Chapters For those of you not familiar, MXC was a popular show on Spike TV that ran from 2004 to 2008. It was based on a game show called Takashi’s Castle in the 80s, best known as Wipeout if the creators didn’t give a damn who got hurt playing it. Oh, and you had to get past all of the obstacles to win, so it was your own fault if a boulder crushed your head.
When Spike TV brought it to stateside, they overdubbed the content to make the show the classic it’s known as today, creating characters such as Kenny Blakenship, Vic Romano, Captain Tenneal, and so forth. However, the show was forced to end in 2008, largely because they ran out of Takashi’s Castle episodes to dub.
But when you have something as awesome as MXC, we’re not stopping for anything. So Vic Romano came up with a brilliant idea: Why don’t we use this magic portal I just found that takes you to new worlds, and use this wonderful power to inflict harm on ponies?
Of course, everyone agreed that this was the best use of such power. This was the result.
Broadcast Date: Estimated at one year before the Nightmare Moon incident.
The episode begins with what every MXC episode started off with: A montage of people wiping out to a killer Bumblefoot song. The rocking melody would get anyone pumped up.
“What are these ponies running from? They're not!” says the best announcer of all time. “They're running to: The toughest game show in all of Equestria! Today, the Pegasi take on the Unicorns! It's a classic battle of the masters of the sky, and the masters of magic!”
There’s a montage of unicorns and pegasi competing in obstacles so brutal, only Japan could make it up. Oh, and the title card flashes.
“Get fired up for MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! And now, the first humans spotted in Equestria, Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!”
Ken and Vic show up on screen, just as we remember them in traditional Japanese clothing. They seem very happy to be back with their grins and excited demeanor. But that’s the only thing there that looks familiar.
For one, they’re in Celestia’s throne room within her castle, and the duo are kneeling on the carpet leading to her throne. Two rows of Royal Guards flank the guys on both sides, and the only one standing here is Celestia, further back in the room.
“Welcome to MXC, and is it great to be back on this show,” Vic greets us. “Everybody's recharged, our lips finally match with what we’re saying, and we get to see more carnage out there.”
“Woo hoo!” Kenny cheers. “I get to quit my replacement job on The Walking Dead as the zombie that always gets shot, thanks to that white pony in the back.”
Celestia nods in the back, just as happy to see us as they are.
“Indeed, as Princess Celestia here funded all the costs of bringing this show back on the air, now on the Hub,” Vic explains.
“Yeah, it's going to just like on Spike TV, with more painful eliminations, Captain Tenneal, and Guy Le--”
Vic smacks him in the head with his paper fan before he can finish.
“Wrong you are Ken, since this is now on a children's network, the executives have forced a few changes. And one of them was replacing...our field reporter with Spike the dragon, since the one before was dubbed too creepy for Hasbro's broadcast standards.”
“What, you can't even say Guy's last name?” Ken looks depressed now, even if he and Guy had some times together in Japanese strip clubs he’d rather forget sooner rather than later.
The camera cuts to see the filming crew in front of Vic Romano, all humans. The director nods his head, sledgehammer ready to destory Kenny’s ass if that name is mentioned again.
“Well, we'll make due with what we have, and here's Spike right now,” Vic says.
Down near one of the obstacle courses, Spike is there to greet us with his microphone. He’s wearing exactly what Guy wears: A fedora and a field coat. So it’s basically like watching Guy for all purposes, except you don’t feel like you need to take a shower after he’s done talking.
“This is so exciting!” Spike starts. “It took ponies a whole month to set up our obstacle course, and it looks to be a great match-up between the Pegasi and Unicorns! Hopefully nopony gets hurt out there, it looks dangerous out there.”
Now we get a montage of today’s events.
“Our lineup begins with Sinkers and Floaters, followed up with the intimidating Dash to Death, then we take it easier with Door Jam, and finish it with the always tricky Log Drop. And now, to the master of breaking everypony’s spirits, the Captain.”
The image cuts to a hill nearby, and Captain Tenneal is standing next to a crowd full of ponies. He’s got his sword, the ponies have protective red helmets, just like good times.
“Who here thinks all three classes of ponies are equal, and are fantastic in their own way? Hands--er, hooves up, now!” he commands.
Everypony lifts their front hooves up together.
“You're all wrong! Earth Ponies have no special gift other than strength, which you all can taunt using REAL talent!” Tenneal reminds us. “You in the front. What is it that you do?”
He motions to none other than Derpy Hooves herself, whose eyes are straight for a moment for some reason.
“I deliver the mail in Ponyville!” Derpy replied. “They get the mail 70% of the time, and anytime somepony doesn’t get their mail, I just give them muffins and they’re not mad at me anymore!”
“See? That would be much harder if she didn't have wings, and you can make fun of those that don't that have your job,” Tenneal pointed out. “The light blue unicorn in the third row! What's your name?”
“Sea Bastion, sir,” the pony said.
“Well, that doesn't leave much to the imagination. And your occupation?”
“I use my magic to control the tide.”
“So you help give beach bums a place in this world?” Tenneal asked.
“I guess...I'm not a bad pony…”
“Oh, I'm teasing here. Everybody loves a laugh or two. But enough talk…” He waives his sword down the hill. “LET’S GO!”
Everypony rushes to the base of the hill, eager to reach the event. Next thing you know, you see a Ken-O-Tron, pretty much an 8 bit demonstration of the next event.
“And they're off to the first event: Sinkers and Floaters,” Vic explained. “Here, contestants will have to go from one rock platform to another, without stepping on a sinker and get a helpful of Septic Sludge. And we're not allowed to tell where it came from. You know, because seeing ponies brutalized is just what your kids need to see.”
The first event is here at last, a course of floating rocks going through a little pool. The Captain is near the starting point of the event, and he blows his whistle to signal that we’re ready to go.
“GET IT ON!” he shouts, waving his sword forward.
A pegasus with a white coat and blue mane is our first victim.
“Vote Cloudsdale best Equestria city!” he shouts.
“And here's Snowstorm,” Vic begins. “He's head cheese in creating the winter storms, and seems to having trouble getting his way through…”
“He's just standing around and wasting time. It's like he's never seen one of these before,” Ken chimes in.
“Right you are Ken, but OH! He slips off one of them, and finds out what snow really is made of, down at planet Earth.”
“THIS TASTES NOTHING LIKE SUGAR!” Snowstorm cries out, acting like this is a betrayal.
Oh well. The screen cuts to see who else is crazy enough to do this. And it’s a yellow mare with a white mane.
“And here is Sun Chaser, great with using the power of the sun to her advantage against her foes,” says Vic.
“Wait...isn’t that exactly what Celestia does?” Ken asks.
“Indeed, but that doesn't help matters as she steps onto a Sinker immediately, and that will end her run.”
Next pony is...Pinkie Pie...
“And here is Pinkie Pie...wait a minute, she's an Earth Pony, and therefore can’t be in this competition! Kenny, you know what happened?”
“Yeah, I let her in. She promised me these delicious rainbow cupcakes if she got to do this. They were tasty, but she acted all suspicious when I asked her what they were made of.”
“But she's not playing for any team--but she made it! She hopped her way to victory, let's take a look with our MXC Impact Replay!”
In the meantime, Pinkie Pie is thrilled out of her mind. “I made it! I made it! You know it!”
The MXC Impact Replay showcases Pinkie’s run, as she hops along the Floaters like it was nothing.
“Maybe the sugar helped her keep her stamina,” Ken analyzed. “She just goes from rock to rock like an Energizer bunny that can actually use its legs.”
“Right you are Ken, but that gives neither team a point despite the excellent display of athleticism. Onto our next real contestant…”
Up next is a black pegasus with a red mane. In other words, just one horn away from every bad OC you’ve ever seen.
“Live and let die!” he shouts.
“And this is Rupture. He does work on volcanoes, restructuring the land in his spare time.”
“He's looking good out there. He’s cool and collected…”
“With that last jump, he's almost done,” Vic says next. “But it comes to nothing as he over-jumps the final gap and his temper matches his color.
“THIS LAND WILL KNOW MY WRATH! LAVA WILL COVER THIS WHOLE FIELD, UNTIL ALL YOU KNOW IS MY ANGER!”
Yep, he’s every bad OC ever.
This next one has a dark blue mane, with three rivers going vertically for a cutie mark.
“I’m going all the way!” she cheers.
“The next unicorn, Rapid Current. Master of levitating water wherever she pleases, so she’s a superhero. Going at a steady pace, not rushing anything, going from line to line, rock to rock, and into the finish line!”
Rapid Current is going crazy at the end of the course.
“Our first real winner holds true to her promise for the Unicorns' benefit, with the score 1-0! Let's see if the next pony scores for the Pegasi.”
Next up is Fluttershy. She runs down the hill with no problem, but the moment she gets down to the beginning of the course, she freezes and looks down at the water. She even pokes the water to make sure it’s not too cold or anything.
“Is it safe?” she asks meekly. “Will I get hurt if I fall?”
“It’s fine. You have a helmet for stuff like this,” Tenneal answered. “Now get it on!”
“This is Fluttershy, a timid young girl that apparently takes care of animals in her spare time,” Vic informs us.
“Looks like her confidence could use some care,” Ken replied. “She's not even going.”
“Well, those Sinkers are as intimidating as anything on this show. But Tenneal is going over to help her out…”
“Come on, you signed up for this. You knew what you were getting into. Now go!”
“But I don't know if I can…” Fluttershy cried.
“You're going to, whenever you like it or not!”
“Tenneal appears to be carrying Fluttershy in his hands,” Vic watched on. “And he--he's throwing her right into the event! And she falls straight into a sinker! There she emerges out of the sludge, crying her eyes out! Let's take a look at that with our MXC Impact Replay--”
Nothing happens on screen. It’s as if the Impact Replay never existed.
“We seem to be having technical difficulties with the Replay. Somebody’s gonna have to look into that next commercial break. But that concludes our first event!”
Back to the throne room, and everybody and pony is stunned over Fluttershy’s “performance”.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything like that before in my life, Ken.”
As Ken and Vic continue on, the crew slowly pushes the camera angle into Celestia’s face, her eyes narrowing with an angry expression on her face.
“Yeah, she looks like she's going to need therapy after that one. Something I'm the master at doing,” Ken laughs.
Vic responds with a nasty slap of the fan to Ken’s face. “This is no laughing matter. Now we're going to have to explain this to the Hub. But we still have many great moments yet to have…”
Celestia's face now fills the frame.
“Tenneal's not very good at uplifting his troops for a captain…” Celestia thought.
The angle goes back to showing Ken and Vic babbling, as if nothing happened.
“...as there are still three events left to go,” Vic continued. “So let's go to commercial while we settle these legal issues.”
Now we see a montage of ponies getting crushed by the next event, Dash to Death.
“When we come back, nopony is safe from the dangers of Dash to Death,” says the announce. “Don't leave yet, we're getting warmed up here!”
Author's Note
Yeah, yeah...I've gone insane...
If you're curious why I wrote it like this, it was originally written in audio transcript form. I thought it would be redundant to describe what was going on when the announcers would just do it for you like that, and even though I edited it to novel form, I still think having it done this way is best. Especially when the commentary was one of the best parts of MXC.
Like I said, this was first written in 2011, but I REALLY edited some parts to make them better. I remember it getting funnier as time went on, so there's that...
The show returns to the air, with the announcer proclaiming, “MXC is back with the Pegasi versus the Unicorns!
Off to the throne room, and Vic looks ready to announce something.
“Well, we have discovered the reasoning behind the Impact Replay not working,” he explains. “Mind explaining for us, Celestia?”
“Due to the nature of the Replay, which is to show painful collisions in gruesome detail, it will be banned for the remainder of the series,” Celestia states calmly.
Ken stands up in protest, ready to kick some ass over this.
“Really? You’re going to ban THAT? What’s wrong with watching people wipe out in slow motion? Everything is better in slow motion! Explosions, car wrecks, women in small bikinis jumping up and down…”
“This is now a children's show, and we will act accordingly for it,” Celestia shoots back.
“My -squee-!” Ken shouts back, his last word censored by cute pony sounds.
Everybody gasps, as it’s generally not a good idea to cuss on a children’s network.
“Now, Ken, sit down. We can make it without the Replay,” Vic says.” “There's still the Most Painful Eliminations of the day for you to do at the end.”
Ken sits back down, more than a little pissed off at Celestia.
“It still sucks…” he grumbles.
“Right you are, but time for our next event: DASH TO DEATH!”
The corresponding Ken-O-Tron fills the screen, showing us the closest thing to a Wipeout course the show has. Of course, it hurts so much more, because this is MXC.
“In this event. contestants must go through the obstacles course without getting…”
“DASHED TO DEATH!” Ken and Vic say together.
“And instead of the freaky mines of the past, our course is populated with Diamond Dogs, harassing the contestants as they attempt to score,” Vic adds on.
The next event begins at last.
“You know you're evil, Tenneal?” Sea Bastion asked.
“That's not what the ladies say. GET IT ON!” Tenneal commands.
“And here's Sea Bastion, the unicorn lucky enough to be insulted by the Captain,” Vic cheers. “What a privilege. He narrowly avoids the Brain Scrambler, speeds through the Grinder, and onto what is now the Tumbler.”
“Seriously, what is our audience? Girls under the age of 10?” Ken complains.
“Sadly it is. And he faces the Angry Dragon here. But he loses the battle, and into the Sludge.”
“Back at his natural habitat, only with more slugs and other animals I don’t know the names of.”
“Indeed.”
Here comes Rarity for the Unicorns. When the Dogs realize who it is, the leader’s eyes explode to the size of softballs.
“It's the whiny pony! Every dog for himself!” he screams in horror.
Every Dog on the course stops what they're doing and dives into the sludge, all swimming away from the most horrific pony since Sombra.
“And this is Rarity, a fashion--what is this? All the Diamond Dogs are leaving their posts and into the Sludge in fear of their lives!”
“What is it about that prissy unicorn that drives fear into a man? Maybe it's the fear of learning about fashion through her.”
“That's why I would. And with nobody in her way, she speeds through the course, into the Tumbler, past the Angry Dragon, the Spinner, springing into the sponges, and zips through the…” He checks the script to see what the obstacle is now called. “Big Round Spheres...OK, this is sad.”
“Oh man, these ponies have to carry that rope with their mouths. There is no way she's winning this one.”
“Wrong you are Ken, as she swings into the Finish Line in time. The unicorns now lead 2-0! Let's go down to Spike.”
Spike is interviewing Rarity right next to a puddle of sludge. The poor guy is nervous to talk to his crush again, and he’s already blushing.
“So...how did you it, you…” he stumbles.
“It was nothing,” Rarity answers. “All I need to do is avoid those sludge puddles and my mane will survive anything.”
“You're the most beautiful pony in all of Equestria….” the dragon whispers.
He floats with hearts forming all around him. Wanting space, Rarity pushes him right into a puddle full of Septic Sludge. He flails wildly as his safari coat's the item that gets ruined.
The next contestant appears with a striped hat on his head.
“Bring Guy back!” he shouts to the camera.
“And the next pegasus up is Ring Master. He's the ringleader for the local Ponyville circus, using his wings to assist anypony that falls off the line.”
“If that's what he puts up with, this should be nothing,” Ken says.
“Indeed, as he jumps into the first set of sponges. Winning against the Angry Dragon, and onto the Spinner. But he looks confused, sitting in the middle. Trying to find the right moment to jump, he makes his move, and falls off the platform and into the Sludge.”
“I'm still going on that event if it kills me. Better than playing Zombie #6 for God knows how many weeks on the Walking Dead.”
Onto the next victim!
“And next up for the Pegasi is...well apparently he refuses to to state his name. Says Rainbow Dash would despise him just by the name, claiming coming up with the name Rainbow Crash was the worst thing he's ever done.”
“And getting hit by the Brain Scrambler just beat it by a mile. He’s swirling around more than an alcoholic on Saint Patrick’s Day.”
“He looks around, trying to get past the Grinder--but falls right into it. Don't worry, it's not really an organ grinder, like we said, it's just a pit that some Diamond Dogs took cover in.”
“I hate these new broadcast standards,” Ken keeps grumbling.
The next pony to come up is Trixie. Yes, that Trixie.
With my wonderful and awe-inspiring magic, I shall conquer this course, and make this team--OUCH!” Trixie yelps.
Tenneal taps her backside with his sword, light enough to not cut her despite his wishes.
“Just do it already!” says Tenneal.
“And this is the Great and Powerful Trixie. Conqueror of the Ursa Major, and now Conqueror of the Scrambler, using her magic to stop it from hitting her in the nick of time. Already at the Angry Dragon and into the Spinner.”
“She's cheating on every turn. Like now, the Spinner's stopped in its tracks thanks to her. I hope she crashes and burns harder than me at your sister’s wedding.”
“Well, our expert says she already did before with a Minor, but now she's on the Spheres anyways. The Diamond Dogs take their shots, but she narrowly gets past them, and into the rope. Looking confused, not sure what to do.”
“ Hah, try to use your magic now! It still doesn't replace talent, regardless of what Tenneal thinks.”
“And she ran out of time there! What a shame, she was this close.”
“THIS IS UNFAIR!” screams Trixie. “THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE DEMANDS A RESET!”
Ken grabs a speakerphone and points it at Trixie. “YOU GET NONE!”
“That was rude there, Ken,” Vic cuts in.
“You think I can take that kind of arrogance? That fall was just as fun as watching Super Bowl 42 for me.”
“Well, that was a fun crash for sure. But onto our last contestant for the event…”
A bookworm is the next pony to show up. “Ken doesn’t own a single book, because that’s how dumb he is!”
“Horrible attempt at an insult aside, this is Book Report, a unicorn in charge of the library system in Equestria.”
“I know some books I like to read, but you won't find them in a public library,” says Ken.
“Of course. And she is off to a decent start, avoids the Scrambler there, same with the Grinder. But she looks at the Tumbler with confusion.”
“Hasn't she read what these do? It's nothing, I have so much fun with them I put it right inside the front door. It's like having MXC at my house, complete with injuries and internal bleeding.”
“Oh yes, how could I forget. She jumps on, but OH! Doesn't make it into the sponges, and that concludes this event.”
Back to the throne room again. But now, Celestia is gone.
“Wait a minute, Celestia's not here,” Vic notes. I thought she was right there just five minutes ago.”
“Any of you Royal Guards know where she is?” Ken asks the Royal Guards.
“She has to take care of someone in particular,” the Captain of this unit answers. “No more questions are allowed.”
“You guys are no fun. How about one of you go out there and compete?”
“Now, Ken, these are the finest Pegasi in all of Equestria, there's no way--”
“I want to go!” says the Captain.
“Same here!” “I won’t die if I do it, right?” “I’ll do it as long as Guy is five feet away from me at all times!” “If I win, Celestia will surely go out with me!” “I thought Wipeout was better.”
“Oh wow, we got a mess on our hands,” Vic laughs. “Let’s see. The Captain can go, and nobody else.”
Everypony else sighs, save for the Wipeout fan. But nobody cares about him.*
“Time for another commercial, as the Unicorns are sweeping the Pegasi, 2-0.”
Another montage of ponies getting destroyed, this one for Door Jam. And there’s the best announcer ever again.
“When we come back, don’t get your head stuck in the intimidating Door Jam! Loser…”
Author's Note
*Wipeout is fine. It's not as good as MXC, but seeing people bouncing off of big red balls will never get old.
“Welcome back to MXC, as the battle of the Pegasi and the Unicorns continues!” the announcer says, as the show gets back on air.
For now, Ken and Vic are over at Celestia’s observatory tower by themselves. There’s a giant telescope pointed at the sky. Even for scientific endeavors, size matters.
“Well, this has been an interesting series of events today,” Vic reports. “So far the Unicorns have dominated, and do not appear to be letting up anything soon.”
“It’s interesting all right, in the sense that watching a Serbian Film is good if you didn’t want faith in humanity anymore,” Kenny grumbles.
“Now Ken, just wait. Your favorite part is almost here. Wait a minute, here's Celestia now.”
Celestia comes through the glass doors, with a blank expression.
“The Royal Guards said you wanted to know where I was. What is the matter?” she asks kindly.
“Indeed. You left in the middle of our last event, not that Ken here cares…”
Ken looks like he’s willing to do bad things to Celestia.
“So we would like to know what you were doing out there.”
“You sure you want to know?” she asks. Vic nods in response. “Well, I didn’t like how Captain Tenneal hit Trixie on her back like that. I had to do something, so I banished him to the moon.”
“WHAT?” Vic and Ken shout back.
“How could you do this, you insensitive, overprotective pony!” Ken adds to insult.
“Right you are Ken, this is getting a little out of hand. And we need a captain out there. So how could you get away with this?”
“I'm really thankful you allowed that Royal Guard captain to participate, he's the new captain of MXC,” Celestia responds.
Ken mutters something under his breath.
“I'm really not OK with this. But no matter, let's move to Door Jam!” says Vic.
We're now at the entrance of the course, with the Royal Guard captain taking Tenneal’s place, complete with whistle at hoof. We pan from wall to wall during Vic's explanation of the event.
“And in this event, ponies make their way through four walls, and they must pick one of four doors for each. But some are solid, and others have netting in them.”
Out comes everyone’s favorite crossed eyed pony, Derpy.
“I know my eyes are weird! I'm still not getting surgery!”
“And this is Derpy Hooves, the only pegasus to be complemented by ex-Captain Tenneal. But how is she getting across the first wall with those eyes?”
“She's just lucky, those eyes probably make her so uncoordinated.”
“But now she's past the third wall, and she stares down the last wall. Taking her charge...AND SHE MAKES IT!”
“How is this possible? Um, I guess we go down to Spike now…” Ken trails off.
Off to the course with Spike.
“What was your secret to success?” Spike asks the fan favorite.
“No real secret. I can see straight, but I'm not sure why my eyes are like this,” Derpy explains. “It's almost as if a designer messed up with them…”
Down at the great Canadian place dubbed DHX Studios, a character artist is drawing on a tablet, with the TV turned in to the show. He looks up just in time to see Derpy bad mouth him.
“Stop reminding me that it was a mistake!” he grumbles. “I created the best pony meme ever, and this is how you thank me? You're fortunate you're famous!”
Onto the next pony, that being Rainbow Dash.
“There's no way I'm going on Kenny's Top Ten!” she cheers.
“And next for the pegasus, it's Rainbow Dash herself. Let's see if she lives up to her name.”
“Haven't you been in Equestria long enough to know everypony does?” Ken points out.
“Wrong you are Ken. Oh my goodness, she finished within five seconds. Left a rainbow trail in her wake, leaving all four doors smashed to pieces. And some of them were solid and netted!”
“You know, this would've been a great time for that Impact Replay...and an interview with Guy...forget it, I loved the way this show used to be.”
“Top Ten Most Painful...say it with me...Let's go on now to the next one.”
“Stop overdubbing me! I got nice words for you, I swear!” says the next pony.
“Our first unicorn for Door Jam is Lightstream. Working on electrical currents, she's working with Celestia right now on making TV possible for Equestria.”
“With great power, comes great irresponsibility, but at least our audience is about to double,” says Ken.
“Right you are Ken. Gets past the first door without issue. She scans the wall for an opening, taps one of the doors lightly, and a hoof full of door falls to the ground, could be the entryway. Rushing in, but OH! It's a netted one!”
“Did you see how sure she was on that one? MXC: Finding ways to screw with your performance since 2004.”
“Indeed.”
Let’s see who’s next...oh God. It’s Trixie again.
“I like this captain better than Tenneal. Did you see the cut he left on my saddle?” she says, almost flirting with the new Captain.
“Enough with the flattery. GET IT ON!” he shouts back.
“Oh my God, I think he's almost as good as Tenneal,” Vic states in wonder.
“Key word, almost .”
“Indeed, and with that comes Trixie's second attempt to be somepony other than a letdown, despite her rabid fans worldwide.”
“Hey, you didn't hear how she threatened me over the break. It was either let her compete or be transformed into a dragon.”
“You passed up becoming a dragon, Ken?”
“I heard the dragon girls are mean and like it rough. That was the deal breaker for me.”
“Anyways, she's on the last wall, the most tricky of them all. Only one door will do it, and she slams just one door over to the left too far, and lands on her back.”
“Is it OK if I said I felt bad for her. My emotions get mixed up every time I see her.”
The next victim steps up to the stage.
“Celestia’s the best flyer in Equestria, not us!” says the familiar yellow pony.
“Interesting point there, as our next victim begins, Spitfire. She's the leader of the Wonderbolts, the best fliers of a town called Cloudsdale. But the ground seems unfamiliar with her, as she's not the fastest galloper so far.”
“Puts a new spin on having your head in the clouds. Still, she's not all that bad. Just not familiar with this kind of competition.”
“Kenny, you're not being yourself there. But she passes the first wall tumbling through the wallpaper. Going for the second door, succeeds without a sweat. Onto the third wall, and gets nothing but net! And that's the first time this is a bad thing. What a shame. Let's go to Spike.”
Next to the walls is Spike, chatting with Spitfire.
“You were doing well until that point. What was going through your mind there?”
“Not enough practice. I know there's a formula to figuring out which doors will stop your run. All I need to do is have another run, and I'll do better next time.”
“That's what you think…” Ken says in a creepy tone.
Onto the next pony.
“If Rarity can win her event, I can win mine too. I love you, Sis!” says the pony with the squeakiest voice ever.
“What the hell? Who is this kid?” Ken asks in confusion.
“This is Sweetie Belle, at what is called ‘filly’ age. So young that she doesn't have a cutie mark.”
“What's a cutie mark? And who authorized this to happen?”
“When you consider she's past the first one, which most grown men can't conquer, you throw questions like that out the window.”
“Still, her elimination is going to be more fun to watch just for the reaction.”
“Now that's the Ken I know. And OH! She fully charges head on to a solid door! But...she's getting up without a scratch. If you wanted a good reaction, you could have Trixie do it again…”
“Eh...I'll live.”
“And after three events, the Pegasi make a comeback to tie the Unicorns, 2-2!”
Back to the throne room, and it is vacant save for the duo and Celestia, now sitting on her throne.
“Nothing like the underdog coming back to win like that. Right, Ken?”
“Half of our format is either gone or banished to the moon, and YOU can smile? What's your secret? No, seriously. Did someone give you happy pills? Slip Viagra into your wine last night? Wait, that’s what I did...”
In the meantime, Celestia is not pleased.
“Half the time, he insults ponies, and the other half, he makes jokes too raunchy for the Hub,” she whispers. “What am I to do with him?”
“Considering your other jobs, I'm surprised you're playing the pessimistic role. After all, we still have one more event left to go on our own comeback. And everypony here is having a good time.”
“You mean Celestia when you say ‘everypony’, right?”
“I mean everypony.”
“Said like a servant of Celestia,” Ken grumbles again.
“Now you're grasping at straws. Ignoring all comments, let's go to commercial, as we find out who will take the contest at long last.”
The next montage of wipeouts and crashes is displayed, and this one...is not that pleasant, to put it lightly.
“When we return, it's a non-stop barrage of flips and spins in the always harsh Log Drop! Don't be one of those guys who gets soaked out there!” the announcer dares.
“Are you ready?” the announcer demands to know. “MXC is back with the epic finale between the Pegasi and the Unicorns!”
Back once again into the throne room, with the duo standing in front of the camera. Celestia is trying to stop herself from looking at Ken with malicious intent.
“Well Ken, this is the last course today,” announces Vic. “Nothing left after this one, and we enter into it with a tied score.”
“Thank God, I'm looking forward to moving to Canterlot. Forget high salaries, they always enjoy brutal sports involving horses. On Earth, its nothing like this,” Vic says.
“As much as I agree about Canterlot, we have the Kentucky Derby sport, a proud tradition going a whole century, I believe.”
“That's just a one-lap NASCAR race for horses. This is the real thing, with injuries, and less betting on who's going to win.”
“ Interesting point there, as we begin the infamous Log Drop!”
We're now on the course, and we see the logs in all their glory. Let’s just say the Big Red Balls on Wipeout have nothing on these. You can break your spine here if you’re not careful.
“In this event, contestants must scramble from spinning log to log, without getting dunked in even more sludge.”
Another Royal Guard soldier gets on the starting platform, and brohoofs the captain before they began.
“And for the Pegasi is Sergeant Spear of the Royal Guard,” Vic begins.
“Given the name, he probably doesn't get a lot of action. Nothing bad happens in Equestria that needs spearing. Now the ladies, on the other hand…”
“Right you are Ken. He got over the first log, but is stuck in between the next two, two hoofs on each log. He pushes on the third one, and is now over it onto the forth, but OH! It spins him all the way down to the sludge.”
Coming up next is Twilight Sparkle, looking at the captain.
“Celestia isn't that bad! You guys are too hard on her!” she yells.
“And here is Twilight Sparkle, protege of the Princess herself,” Vic informs us.
“You mean she's siding with the killer of MXC? How can anyone think she's doing the right thing?”
“ Indeed. She leaps flawlessly past the first four logs and into the midway point. Stopping to take her breath, and is seemingly unstoppable. Having any trouble with her success?”
“ Let's see...not after that wipeout. Hitting right on the finish line platform like a rock dropped 50 stories. All so satisfying.”
“But she was doing so well, and she doesn't know what we know about Celestia.”
“Oh yeah. You can say that. Celestia doesn’t want to kill YOU.”
The next contestant appears on screen. This unicorn has a blue mane and red eyes.
“Go Ken!” says the world famous DJ.
“Hey look, you have a fan in Equestria after all,” laughs Vic. “This here is Vinyl Scratch, the local DJ in Ponyville, playing hits such as Boom Boom Bass Drop and I Totally Don’t Love Octavia(Though I’m Into Celestia).”
“And just like that, I don't care.”
“She seems to be taking it slow here. Not really confident about the way the logs move.”
“Yeah, you think you got a handle on it, right before your spine goes in positions it was never meant to be in.”
“The logs are pretty difficult to conquer, but she is going for it. Leaping for the second, onto the third, and adapting the two logs strategy Spear was using.”
“And we know how that turned out. His helmet got soaked to the brim.”
“Yes, but this one is a lot smaller, that could be to her advantage. Nimbly to the fifth one, but she falls directly into the sludge. Forget I said anything.”
Next one up...and get your tired chicken jokes ready...
“Rainbow Dash is the best!” Scootaloo cheers.
“Another kid? How is this even possible?” asks Ken.
“I don't know, but we have Scootaloo here. Claims to be part the world’s biggest Rainbow Dash fan. What do you say, smaller is better? They have an easier time with these.”
“Every small contestant has crashed and burned,” Ken points out.
“Right you are Ken...She's dashing across the course! Not stopping for anything, she hops from log to log! Almost slipped there! I think she's going all the way...AND SHE DOES IT! SHE DOES IT! The little filly that could, putting the Pegasi up 3-2!”
“How did this happen? Can we use a replay for this?”
“You're using it for a good reason, so go ahead,” Celestia grants.
A standard replay shows Scootaloo's exploits in great, slo mo detail.
“This was so risky, one slip-up and she was done,” Ken pipes in.
“ As you can see, she was going at a break pace rate, no room for error, but she does it anyway. Let's go down to Spike.”
Elsewhere on the course, we get to see what happens when a dragon talks with a chicken, and he doesn’t attempt to eat her.
“You're the smallest contestant out there today. How were you able to do something this difficult?” Spike asks.
“When you're 20% cooler than everypony else like Rainbow Dash, anything is possible. Wait, is she watching this?” Realizing this, Scoots gets up and personal with the camera. “You're the best! Nopony will ever beat you in anything! ANYTHING! My Little Dashie is sadder than any orphan story I was in!”
“Well that was interesting…” Vic observes. “Two more contestants left before the end of the show now.”
The next contestant has a front page of a newspaper for a cutie mark.
“Here's Page Turner, the local newspaper authority in Ponyville, and our last unicorn of the day. Observing the water below, and at the logs, trying to find a strategy. Leaping for air, and in the gap between logs! What a shame.”
And now, here comes the last contestant.
“The last turn for the Pegasi is Fluttershy again,” Vic states.
“Ooh, this should be good.”
“Just take your time,” the Captain says quietly to the pegasus. “We're in no hurry here.”
Even then, Fluttershy is sweating. “Thank you...I'll be fine,” she whispers.
“What? No! You're supposed to be the class bully out there! Don't build them up like a real captain!” says Ken like a true armchair quarterback.
“Anyways, here Fluttershy goes again. Leaps for the first log, stands still. Goes for the second, and wow, she made it. Prepares for the third one, but OH! She smacks head-on to that one, and into the sludge. It doesn't matter anyway, as the Pegasi come back from behind to take it from the Unicorns, 3-2!”
Back in the throne room. Ken has a wide grin on his face.
“I enjoy a comeback like that, and now comes the part Kenny's been waiting for,” Vic eagerly states.
“You have no idea,” Ken replies, just as eagerly.
“I think I do.”
“Here we go now! It's time for Kenny Blankenship's Top Ten Most Painful Eliminations of the Day!”
The graphic appears, then suddenly stops during the title sequence, and back into the throne room we go.
“What? Is it a computer glitch or something?”
Celestia has a guilty look on her face.
“We checked before the show, should be fine,” Vic responds.
“I'm sorry…” the princess whispers.
Vic and Ken look back at her, more angry than Star Wars fans if they found out there was a spin off cartoon starring Jar Jar Binks.
“I didn't approve of something like that...so I deleted all the files on that graphic. It's not going to happen. Much too violent for our broadcast standards,” she states quietly.
“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US? YOU WRECKED EVERY FABRIC OF THE MXC THREAD, AND I BET YOU WOULD TAKE US OFF THE AIR IF WE SAID YOU SUCK! WHICH YOU TOTALLY DO NOW!” Ken rants.
“This is not right!” adds Vic. “You agreed to have this show on the air inside your kingdom, knowing fully well we like dirty jokes and brutal takedowns!”
In the meantime, Ken stands up and points his fan at the MXC crew. “You! All of you! We must rise up against this dictator, and show no one messes with MXC!”
The crew now has MXC shirts, and charges headstrong to Celestia. When the mob meets up with Ken and Vic, they join the chase. Celestia calmly stands up and a light begins to form on her horn.
The screen cuts in and out, finally stopping at a INTERMISSION screen.
We now see the surface of the moon. However, something is not right. There is a moderate-sized building with the words "The Lunar Lagoon Spa" on the front, looking like any fancy, overpriced spa in existence.
Inside a spa room, Nightmare Moon is in a hot tub with Guy. Yes, that Guy.
“I'm not sure how this is possible, but Guy still likes,” he purrs. “I sure love a full moon, if you know what I mean…”
Captain Tenneal comes into the entrance from a locker room, with swim trunks covered in Spike TV logos and a towel over his neck.
“Is there room for three? You touch me once, Guy, and you’re gonna lose that hand!”
“Of course. I have never met anypony as nice as you ‘humans’ are,” says Nightmare Moon.
As Tenneal drops the towel to the floor, a blinding light appears in the middle of the room. The trio cover their eyes to shield themselves from the light. So they’re…*puts on sunglasses*...blinded by the light.
When the light leaves, it has left behind Ken, Vic, and the MXC crew in its wake.
“Where the hell are we?” Ken asks, already preparing to use his paper fan if Guy gets any closer to him.
In the meantime, Vic looks out the window to see the moon’s surface. “I think we're on the moon, Kenny. And..wait a minute...Guy and Tenneal! So this is what Celestia did with you!”
“Oh yes, we're having a good time here. Try not to interfere, if you may. I’d like to see the dark side of the moon before I go…” he says, getting closer to Nightmare Moon.
“This sucks. After I'm done getting massaged by whoever does that kind of crap here, I'm going back to Earth. See if ABC is alright with two obstacle game shows,” Ken grumbles one last time.
“Indeed, but before we leave, let's leave our audience with a montage of what they like best about this show: Painful Eliminations!” Vic cheers.
Given the fact that they’re on the moon and stuff, we get a very limited montage of all the eliminations of the day. The credits roll, ending with the logo of the Solar Empire or something. You know, because your children also needed to learn about dictatorships.
You are all terrible parents for letting your children watch this. That’s your moral of the day.
Author's Note
Well, this was fun.
Granted, this was 90% editing work(this was originally written in audio transcript form), changing the format and tweaking a few jokes here and there. But it was still fun to do something like this.
MXC was a funny show AND the courses themselves were fun to watch, so hope you enjoyed this as much as I do. If you don't...*cue Celestia moon banishing joke here*
