“Ow... ow… ow…”
Pinkie trotted awkwardly across Ponyville as she endured the pain coming from her hindquarters. A series of bandages were plastered overtop her flank as they hid the results of an early morning accident. Every minute or so, she’d find and rub up against a wall or surface to fend off the irritable stinging sensations coming from her wounds.
As she pressed further into town, she eventually found a metal pole, and to the mixed horror and hysteria of onlooking ponies, she used it to smack her sore buttcheeks back and forth like a bulbous paintbrush. Townspeople walking by pointed and laughed, while others showed mild disgust. Smiling and waving back, Pinkie always felt good when she was making somepony’s day better.
Regardless of her current condition, the discomfort did little to sway her brimming attitude as she carried herself jubilantly through town. She finally arrived at Sugar Cube Corner, but as she went inside, she didn’t even notice her friend, Rainbow Dash, sitting in the corner. The blue pegasus smirked curiously as she analyzed the gaudy bandages plastered all over her butt. She tried to keep herself from chuckling out loud; it looked like Pinkie was wearing an adult diaper.
“Yo, Pinkie!” she yelled.
The rotund mare spun around with a big smile. “Hi, Dashie! Awesome to see you here! Can I get you anything?”
“Nah, I already ate, but uhh…” She scratched her chin. “…Say, just being curious here, but what the hay happened to your flank?”
“Oh, yeah! Tee hee, I just had an accident over at Fluttershy’s. She wanted me to help with some of her animals out in the pin when I accidentally sat down on a porcupine! Yowch…” She turned her hindquarters into Dash’s sights. “I was at the doctor for a few hours and he had to pull all of them out with tweezers! It made me four hours late for work and everything! And Dashie, if you ever get the idea to prank somepony with a porcupine, don’t. It really hurts. Also, don’t sit on one, either.”
“No way, I wouldn’t even think of that. Sorry for what happened, Pinkie. Hope it clears up, soon.”
“Thanks, Dashie! I appreciate it!”
After their short conversation, Pinkie retreated behind the counter as she donned her cooking apron. A good twenty minutes passed as she helped Mr. and Mrs. Cake bake a few dozen cookies and muffins. The irresistible smell wafted into the café’ area, grabbing Dash’s attention. Trotting up to the counter, Dash tried spying through the kitchen window to get a glance at the earth ponies’ activities.
Oh, man, that smells delicious. Her stomach growled.
Before there was even anything to pay for, Dash pulled out a few bits from her saddlebag and slapped it on the counter. “I’ll have whatever you guys are baking!”
Pinkie waltzed back out, pushing a cart loaded with blueberry muffins. “Alrighty then, eager McBeaver!” As she put the tray down on the counter, a wonderful thought emerged in her head. “The Cakes told me I don’t have to work today if I don’t wanna, so I was wondering if you’d like to eat these muffins with me?”
“Totally!”
The pink mare pushed her friend’s bits away. “But this one’s on me! I’m paying for the both of us!”
“Don’t even think about it, Pinkie,” the pegasus said. “The least I can do is put in half. You don’t have to…”
“Hey, just because I don’t have to doesn’t mean I don’t want to, silly!”
“But I-“
“Just trying to make those around me smile, Dashie. What would be the point if I didn’t go full out once in a while? If I didn’t buy something for you now, I’d just do it later.”
Dash was stunned by Pinkie’s unforeseeable wisdom. “Wow, Pinkie… okay. Thank you! You’re the greatest! But I’m still gonna pay you back later.”
“Don’t even think about it!” They both giggled.
After their sweet conversation, the two mares sat down in the same corner Dash claimed and enjoyed their baked meal. The pegasus watched as Pinkie guzzled one muffin after another until she eventually slowed down, resigning into appreciating its chewy goodness. Dash, herself, enjoyed them just as much, if only expressing it in a more subdued manner, but she couldn’t help but feel a little bad for using her generous friend. The muffins would’ve tasted even better if she could do something back.
But what luck, for Dash found a convenient chance coming her way, though it wasn’t directly meant for her. While Pinkie was still busy gorging on muffins, the cerulean pony caught a glimpse at a nervous stallion sitting awkwardly across the room. It wouldn’t have been such a strange sight if she hadn’t noticed him glancing their way every few seconds. His coat was a sandy brown while his parted mane was an even darker version of the same color.
The stallion, himself, accidentally noticed Dash looking back at him, to which she responded with a look of confusion. His head darted away, pretending to look at the pastries sitting behind the glass counter, but then he gave in and looked back. The pegasus motioned him over with a hoof. Finally, after pushing off his fears, he scooted his chair back and proceeded to approach the mares’ tables.
With the eyes of Dash bearing quizzically on his movement, he steadied himself into a slow, apprehensive walk. He bridged the gap between them, leaving just a few feet apart until he spoke up.
“Excuse me?”
Pinkie turned around. “Augh, eghya, Caramegh!” she said, spitting out bits of processed muffin. “Wagghup?” She swallowed. “I haven’t seen you since the other day! Do you need something? Want to schedule a party? Maybe attempt to steal my muffins while I fight back? Huh? Huh?” Giggling, she leaned closer to him.
He choked. “Uh, ergh, umm…”
The pink mare smiled. “Cause’ I can do any of those things if you’d like, but I’m sure you make your own decisions, anyway!” She giggled again.
“Um…” He scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah...”
Dash facehoofed, holding back her own giggles. Oh, Pinkie…
“Ah, Caramel, you have such a cool name. Do you tend to make other ponies hunger for caramel when you say it?”
“Ngh…” The stallion struggled to keep up with her. “Uh… I guess…”
“Are you here on a business trip?”
Combining Pinkie’s completely random question and Caramel’s confused face, Dash’s giggles burst into chuckles as she placed her hoof to her mouth. “Pinkie, why don’t you let em’ talk, huh? I bet he has something to say, too!”
“Oh, why certainly!” she chimed. “I wouldn’t want to hold back my bestest good friend from speaking his mind, would I? What is it, Caramel?”
“Heh, heh…” His eyes shifted. “I, uh… I just wanted to say you, you, uh… I-think-you’re-really-c-c-uhh!” The stallion spilled out his words, then he proceeded to facehoof rather forcefully.
“Oooh, am I supposed to guess the word?” she asked. “Is it cabbage? Coronel? Crooked?”
Dash felt a little bad for laughing. It certainly wasn’t helping the stallion, who was too embarrassed to even speak, but she always liked watching Pinkie do what she did. Her personality was a treasure she never understood, and didn’t want to, either. The magic was in the mystery.
“Well,” Caramel braved up. “It’s actually cute, Pinkie,” he smiled cleverly.
“Darn, I lost.”
A pang of disappointment. “Pinkie, uh, listen, I just wanted to say I enjoyed my time with you the other day in the park and that, uh, maybe, we ought to… y’ know… I guess go… uh…”
“Go skating? Go hiking? I’m not too good at these, Carmel! C’mon, can you give some hints this time?”
Between Dash’s laughing, Pinkie’s games and Caramel’s presence, they garnered the attention of other ponies sitting in the shop. Some looked on in mixed confusion, while others were giving way to their own laughter. The brown stallion’s arms went cold as his stomach knotted up with humiliation.
“Nevermind, Pinkie. Just forget it.” Defeatedly, he turned away as he hung his head, going back to his seat.
Dash glared at her friend, now slightly irritated. “Pinkie, don’t you know what he was doing?”
“Hmm…” She scratched her head. “Charades or something?”
“No, Pinkie! He wanted to go out with you! Jeez!”
“Oh, ooooh, really?” Her eyes grew. “Did I do a good job?”
“Did y- what?”
Pinkie frowned seriously. “Did I make him feel good? Cause’, like, I really think I tried too hard.”
“I, uh, no…” Dash groaned. “Listen, Pinkie, you have to know when to watch for stallions who take an interest in you. Tell me something: has anypony ever hit on you, before?”
“Sure, yeah.”
“Have you ever been out on a real date?”
“Hmm.” The pink mare tapped the table. “I had one a year ago, but by the end of it, he told me there wasn’t any ‘chemistry’ between us.”
“That’s fine. You’ll get dates like that. No matter what happens or how it goes, just make sure of one thing…”
“What’s that?”
Dash looked intently into her friend’s eyes. “Don’t be obj- uh, obin- err…” Gears churned. “obtrusive, Pinkie! Don’t be obtrusive! Just relax and don’t try to force yourself. I know you’re eager to make people laugh, but when a date’s concerned, just let your fears go and enjoy it.”
“I see…” Pinkie said, comically rubbing her chin. “So I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time! Wowzers!”
“That’s… well, maybe true, but I dunno cause’ I’ve never seen you date anypony before. My advice was skimpy, but it goes a long way, kiddo. Don’t try too hard! The stallion’s gonna make most of the moves, anyway. Let him do most of the work. And if you’re lucky…” She stretched closer to Pinkie, casting a sly smirk. “He might try to get some of that flank of yours on the same night. I’m sure if you shoved it into his face right now, there’d be no questions asked and you’d have yourself a date right there.” Laughing, she sat back down properly. “But I don’t think you’re really like that, Pinkie. Just do what feels right. That’s what’s important.”
For a few moments, both mares were silent. During that time, Dash read her friend’s face, trying to decode whatever in the world was running through her mind. The earth pony made a face that looked like she was trying to savor a flavor she didn’t care for. Pinkie finally broke the silence. “Hmm… wow, thank you, Dashie. Sometimes, I forget just how smart you really are. All that was so incredibly helpful, I’ll never forget it! I’m still not sure if I get every little itty bitty witty bit of it, but still, like you said, I’ll just play it cool.”
“At a’ girl! Now, before Caramel heads off or tries to do anything else, why don’t you go try to catch em’?” The pegasus pointed behind Pinkie. “He’s still there. Maybe you can make his day better, huh? Why don’t you offer him some free muffins for a change?” She smiled promiscuously.
Pinkie nodded. “Alrighty, then. Here I go, Dashie!” The party pony stood up from her table, leaving her last two muffins defenseless. Pinkie was determined to follow her friend’s advice to a tee, and was gonna make sure she’d do it in the best and most efficient way possible.
Caramel heard hoofsteps approaching from behind. Curious, he got up from his chair and faced the mare he failed to take out earlier. His hopes rushed back as he watched the pink angel of his dreams grin.
“Hi, Caramel! I’m sorry for not understanding earlier! It’s all my fault. I have preeeety much next to no experience with dating. I hope you forgive me for trying too hard.”
“Oh, it’s okay, Pinkie,” he said, smiling back. “It’s cool. All that matters is you care.”
“Totally, and that’s why I want to make it up to you!”
Ceremoniously, Pinkie turned a full one-eighty as she swung her hind end around to the unfortunate stallion, raising it into the air like an Olympic torch. “I got it right here! You can have as much as you want!”
Caramel’s jaw dropped.
“I bypassed all the hard stuff so we could go straight to the date! No need to ask any questions, right?”
In the corner, Dash went into shock as she put her hooves to her head. Everypony in Sugar Cube Corner looked at the mooning mare, who was seemingly offering her body to another stallion right in the middle of a crowd of people. At the same time, everypony in the café, including Dash, could not hold back as they burst into a mixed array of guffaws and laughter. Ponies were slamming themselves into their tables, either from embarrassment for the pink one’s sake or due to the inability to suppress their hysteria. Others couldn’t peel their eyes away from the scene taking place. Dash, herself, may have been laughing the hardest. She leaned back into her chair, holding her stomach as tears of disbelief welled up in her eyes while she tried her best to avoid falling into the floor.
“P-p-pinki-ffff-“ Dash could barely form coherent syllables.
Pinkie smiled back, still keeping her rump up in the air. There were smiling, happy faces all over the shop. What could be wrong about that? Only one problem: she had no idea what was so funny. She looked around the room, still content with her apparent, yet accidental success in absolutely killing everypony in the bakery, especially Dashie, yet that was far from what she actually intended. In a rare moment for the jokester, she was the only one left out of the loop.
“Uh, heh heh…” Talking to the air, she tried to follow along as best as possible. “I guess I, uh… did something really funny, huh?” Finally, she lowered her hindquarters and turned around to look at Caramel. She was almost relieved to see he wasn’t the only pony who didn’t get the joke, but his reaction was a little different than hers. His head hunkered down between his hooves as he tried avoiding eye contact with everypony else in the bar. Taking the time to look back up, he saw Pinkie’s face, which was just as confused as his.
“Pinkie…” He looked angry. “Don’t you have any shame?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Shame?”
“You just… you don’t care at all, do you?” He passed by her, directing himself to the exit. “I don’t even think you’re there most of the time. How do you expect ponies to communicate with you when you act like such a fool?”
“I… but I thought you were gonna…”
“You embarrassed me in front of an entire store! I don’t know if you were trying to pull a prank or what, but if you were, don’t worry, it worked. I hope you’re happy.” Frustrated, Caramel walked himself out of Sugar Cube Corner, taking his embarrassment with him.
Most of the laughing died down by this point, but it was only replaced with applause.
“You’re awesome, Pinkie!” a random stallion shouted.
Before she knew it, a continuous chant emerged from a small group.
“Pinkie! Pinkie! Pinkie! Pinkie!” The chants continued for a few seconds until they collapsed into laughter.
More awkward smiles came from the party pony. She waved, backing away as she returned to Rainbow Dash and slowly took a seat. The pegasus, herself, looked to be recovering from a laughing-induced heart attack.
“Wow, Pinkie!” Dash could barely speak. “That was amazing!” She put her forearm around the earth pony.
“Y-yeah… totally…”
“I just didn’t expect you to do that, but then again, I can never tell what you’re gonna do. That’s what I like about you, Pinkie!”
She looked down.
Pinkie, don’t you have any shame?
The words rang in her head.
Shame…
“Dash…” Pinkie said, “I think I’m gonna go upstairs for a while.”
The pegasus looked confused. “Uh, what? Why?”
“I don’t feel good…”
Before Dash could get a word in, Pinkie already retreated from the table, making sure to keep her head pointed away from as many ponies as possible. She went behind the counter again and retreated up into the second floor.
Through her window, Pinkie gazed out into the all-encompassing darkness of the night. It was so infinite, yet at the same time it made the world feel so minimalistic. Store lights, homes, street lamps and even the stars collectively lacked the ability to fully brighten Equestria, but that was also what made the darkness so valuable. It made everything a mystery, much like Pinkie herself.
The earth pony tossed around on her bed, enjoying the sensations of the thick quilt rubbing her bandages. Looking around the room, the lack of light produced little saturation in her walls and furniture, which went easy on her eyes. Downstairs, pans clanged and clacked with busy hoofsteps, signifying the end of the shift. Pinkie felt a little guilty for not helping, and using her porcupine incident as an excuse only made it worse.
The bustling kitchen action stopped when she noticed the Cakes were speaking to another pony. A few muffled confirmations later, Pinkie heard a lone set of hoofsteps coming closer as they ascended the second floor stairs.
After walking a short distance through the hallway, a pony knocked at Pinkie’s door. “Pinkie? Hello? You’re not busy, are you?”
“Nah, come in.”
Dash walked inside. “Umm, hey…” she said, her eyes shifting back and forth. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, been better.”
“Um, listen, uh…” Dash drew circles in the carpet. “I feel like what I did earlier was my fault. I was only trying to give you some advice and you just took it the wrong way, that’s all. I wasn’t thinking earlier; I thought you were just trying to be funny on purpose.”
“Oh, it’s cool…” she smiled. “But, Dashie, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, shoot.”
Pinkie raised into a sitting position. “Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Huh?” Dash was flabbergasted. “No way, Pinkie! You’re not stupid, it’s just sometimes you… well, you don’t know your limits, I guess, or you don’t understand what some ponies mean. That stupid Caramel didn’t know how to take a joke the whole time, that’s why he was so stuck up.”
“Nah, Dashie, I’m not mad at Caramel. I was just trying to make the date as easy for him as possible, but I must’ve done it totally wrong. I’m only upset because I made him feel bad and I didn’t mean to. I would never intentionally try to make another pony feel miserable.”
Dash smiled. “It’s cool, I understand. When I said he’d take you in just from shoving your flank in his face, I didn't mean it literally. It was just a joke. When ponies talk, they don’t always exactly mean what they say. Words are funny like that.”
She smiled and nodded.
“Still, for your benefit, he seemed pretty stuck up, anyway. I’m not sure what it was. You and I joke around perfectly fine.”
“But that’s because we know each other, Dashie. We understand each other in ways a total stranger wouldn’t!”
“Yeah, true…”
“And I think that’s why Caramel was so upset. He just wouldn't understand stuff the same way we do, but I expected he would and that was my mistake. I’ll try to find him tomorrow and apologize, then maybe he won’t say I’m a fool, anymore.”
Dash breathed fire. “He said what?” She stomped. Her blood boiled as her body voluntarily prepared for action. “Oh, that little pony’s gonna get it now! Just you wait!”
“No, Dashie, please!” Pinkie begged.
“I’m not letting some idiot, meat-brained stallion get away with hurting my friends!”
“Stop!”
The pegasus groaned. “Pinkie, this is what friends do. Don't you get it? You know somepony loves you when they’d bury a body for you, right?”
“Friends listen, Dashie.” Pinkie got off the bed and looked directly into the pegasus’ eyes. “Don’t hurt him. Just don’t. Let me handle it.”
Dash groaned again. Pinkie continued.
“I don’t know exactly why he said that to me, yet, but I’m gonna find out. Remember, he came up to me to go out, Dash, not to make me feel bad, so why would I do that in return?”
The pegasus nodded. “Hmm... okay, Pinkie. I’ll listen. Just remember, though, I’d do anything to protect you. You’re just as good as a sister to me. I won’t let anypony hurt you.”
Pinkie smiled. “Thank you so much, Dash.”
“No problem, girl.”
They both hugged.
Pinkie giggled. “I guess you payed me back, then, huh?”
“Nah, I can do better than this.” Dash patted her.
After another small chat, the pegasus eventually left, leaving Pinkie to herself. She laid back down on her bed and gazed ever so calmly out the window.
Author's Note
Just wanted to write something quick and simple, no big story lines or scenes to get confused in. I get a little aggravated when I try to plot stories because I usually never stick to the plan, and like this one, I wasn't really sure where I was going. Writing is always a felt experience for me; the stories write me more than I write them, if that makes any sense. I'm satisfied with this one, but I just get tired of crowbarring the meaning of the story in at the last half of the process.
Pinkie and Dash learn alternatively from each other, and they're both short-sighted in their own unique ways.
