Twilight of the Thunder Pony
Amon Amarth had just finished their final performance at the Wacken music festival, located in Germany. As he strolled off the stage, lead singer Johan Hegg grabbed a tall beer, crushing the can slightly in his grip. The other members of the band followed suit. In a ritual act of badassery, drummer Fredrik used a large hunting knife to do away with the pesky top of the can, which impeded speedy consumption. After an encore on the main stage, which resulted in the deaths of 2 onlookers, the band retreated to their secluded trailer near the edge of a nearby forest .
“Fucking great show guys” Johan growled behind his beer and beard. His approving comment was met with rowdy cheers from his bandmates. Suddenly, a stray metalhead ran towards the strolling band.
“YOU’VE GOT TO TAKE THIS FROM ME!” He shouted at the Vikings as he shoved a black book into the hands Olavi, the guitarist, almost knocking the bottle of Swedish vodka from his hand, before stripping naked and running into the forest.
“Well fuck” Olavi exclaimed. “That was fucking strange. They probably started giving out those mushrooms again.” His observation was met by cheers and subsequent chugging of beers. Once they reached their trailer, they began to flip the pages of this book.
“What the fuck guys” Johan grunted “This fucking thing is empty”. And indeed was, every single page of the book was blank, except for one. In the center of the book, there was a single line of runic text.
“What in the name of Hell is this?” The singer growled as he grabbed the bottle of vodka from Olavi’s hands and placed the entire neck into his mouth. It appeared that Johan had lost his train of thought, as his emptied the bottle, and smashed it on the floor of the trailer. The shrapnel from the shattered glass landed a fragment of bottle right into the arm of Johan.
“The fucking hell Johan?!” Olavi shouted “That was the last of my vodka you bastard. And now there is glass everywhere, and you are probably have to going to have you’re bleeding arm amputamated.”
“Dumbass, I’m going to disinfect it.” Johan replied as he poured his beer into the open wound.
As he poured the beer onto his bleeding arm, a trail of blood and beer began to run down his arm, and all over the runes written on the page if the newly found book.
A great flash of light emanated from the book, along with the sound of a thousand wolves howling, the wind of the north, and the neigh of Sleipner, the eight-legged steed of Odin. When the light cleared, and the band member’s finally began to regain their eyesight, they saw the silhouette of a four-legged creature standing in the middle of the trailer.
“Hello!” The boisterous female voice rang.
“Who the fuck are you!?” Johan shouted in his most intimidating voice.
“Thora Hammersparks! But some people call me Mjonla. Official blacksmith of Ponyville. Who in the name of Celestia are you?”
“...Johan.” The singer furrowed his brow as he stared the light brown pony. Her hair was as gold as the finest meads, and for some reason she had a tattoo of a hammer on her ass.
“Okay” Olavi spoke up “What the fuck are you? And how did you get here?”
“I’m a pony silly. I’m from Ponyville, and I have no clue how I got here. Magic I guess.”
Ted the bassist, who had been incoherently intoxicated up until this point, finally spoke up.
“Want something to drink Thora?” He tried to hide his childish smile, but eventually decided it was no use, and let a grin creep across his face.
`
“Please and thank-you” Thora replied. As Ted placed a beer beside her, he patted her head gently. He couldn’t help but giggle. Olavi looked at him with puzzled eyes, still not sure if someone had spiked his drinks. Before any more formalities could be made, howling wolves could be heard outside.
“Discord’s teeth!” Thora shouted. “They’re here!” Her pleasant demeanour quickly faded, being replaced with a serious face and harsh tone.
“Awwwww” Ted sighed. “She’s so cute when she is serious”.
“Shut the fuck up Ted” Johan exclaimed. “This is serious black magics from the ether. Who is here pony? Who has come from the otherworld?”
“Timber Wolves from the Legions of Helvognar, a villian who lives in the Everfree forest. They have been following me for days, trying to find the location of my sacred metals that were forged by the hooves of Luna herself, over 1000 years ago.”
“D’aaawwww” Ted sighed once more. “Can I cuddle you?”
“This is no time for games human. I know this is a lot to ask, but I must request a weapon of steel.” The howling timberwolves could be heard growing closer.
“Mikkonen!” The singer shouted, addressing the other guitarist “Open the weapons chest, tonight we do battle! Thora Hammersparks, we do not know from what world you come from, but tonight you have shared in our mirth, and drank our mead. So tonight we shall also spill blood together!”
Mikkonen returned with his arms full of swords, a battleaxe, and spiked hammer. The bandmates quickly snatched up the swords, while Johan gripped the axe firmly. Thora took up hammer in her mouth, and growled deeply.
“If you cannot hit their heads, aim for the glowing spot in their chest, that is where all of their life-fluid is contained.”
“Understood.” Johan kicked down the door of their trailer, and mustered every ounce of Viking blood he possessed. “MEN! RIDE TO MEET OUR FATES! OUR DESTINY AWAAAAIIITS!”
The glowing eyes of the timberwolves could be growing closer, in the dark. Thora stepped forward, raised herself onto her hind-legs, clasped the hammer between her hooves and raised it above her head.
“CHAAAARGE!” She shouted.
“FOR VICTORY OR DEATH!” Johan cried.
The group ran towards the timberwolves, both sides echoing their battle cries. At close range, Thora saw almost twelve timberwolves, more than she had ever seen together. Their bodies were made of twisted roots and branches, kept alive by a faintly glowing heart in the midsection.
Thora was the first to land a blow, the hammer in her mouth connecting cleanly to the head of a timberwolf. Olavi on the other hand, was not having such luck. Three timberwolves had surrounded him. The first tried to jump him, but was swatted off by Olavi’s greatsword . Unfortunately, the other two use this opportunity to pounce on him, and bring him to the ground.Thora saw this man being bloodied by the timberwolves, and quickly ran to his aid. She pummeled one of his attackers, hitting it straight through the chest and eviscerating it’s still-beating heart from its body. Olavi, still pinned by the remaining timberwolf, clenched his fist, punched it inside of the attacking beast, and ripped it’s heart from the shell of a body. In a sign of no mercy, he crushed the heart in his fist, causing it to explode, covering him in the life-blood of the timberwolf. Seeing that Olavi could take care of himself, Thora galloped straight into the charge of a second wave of the beasts.
The battle raged on, but one by one the timberwolves began to be vanquished. Thora, her coat and mane now streaked with the reddish blood of the attackers, could see victory. Finally, only one remained. Both Thora and Johan charge towards it, performing a deadly finishing attack, Johan severing the head from body with his battle axe, Thora smashing its heart straight out of its chest.
At last the battle was at an end. The wooden bodies of timberwolves lay scattered about Amon Amarth’s trailer. But all was not well, Ted had received serious injuries from the onslaught. He lay beside the bodies of four felled attackers, his abdomen torn open, and blood quickly receding from his body.
“Ted! TED! Don’t you fucking die!” Fredrik shouted at his half conscious bandmate.
“Do not worry” Thora said calmly, trying to catch her breath “He will not die on this night.” Ted’s lips parted slightly.
“D’aaww..” He said weakly “She’s just so fucking adorable when she is serious”. Thora placed her hooves on the chest of this dying man.
“Hlon schu fjedno cull. Noq wrathe c’knosch qull ihn futhe kwar.” Ted’s entire midsection began to softly glow as Thora chanted her magical words over and over. After a minute had passed, Ted stood upright, with no sign of injury.
The entire band plus one retreated back into their trailer, where several more rounds of beer were consumed by all.
“What still is fucking me” Olavi began, “is where the fuck you all came from!”
“That’s simple” Thora stated. “I come from the land of Equestria. Normally humans never venture there, and in turn, we never venture to your world. However you chose to summon me. When the magic began to take its effect and transport me to your realm Helvognar must have noticed.
“Who is this Helvognar?”
“He is an evil being that is half wolf, half tree. He creates the timberwolves to act as his army. He must have sent them along to this world on the same flow of magic that took me here. Luckily, I was summoned by those capable of battle.”
“So tell me” Ted slurringly interrupted “Is this place you come from, Equestria, is it in a constant state of war? It seems as if battle’s happen quite routinely.”
Someponies think, either through ignorance or hope, that Equestria is free from war. However, the battles that occur are often on a small scale. They have to be. If anyone tried to attack Our land head on, our ruler Celestia would decimate an entire army with only a blink of her eye. Because of her, our nation is safe. But my time is short, the magic only lasts for a few hours. I can already feel the pull of the magic taking me back to Equestria.”
Johan stood up, and in his deepest of growls exclaimed. “Farewell my pony friend, may your homeland remain safe, and may you find fortune in all you battles.”
“Goodbye humans. You have shown strength and valour beyond that of most of your kind.”
“HAIL!” The entire band shouted in unison. After the pony had left their world, they all sat in silence. Not one being able to really comprehend what just happened. Finally, Olavi spoke up.
“Y’know, I think that person who gave us the book must’ve coated it in acid or something.” The entire band agreed in unison, deciding to accept the simplest solution. All but Ted, he had retreated behind a laptop, and would go on to spend the next several hours giggling at youtube videos.
Thora Hammersparks found herself right back where she had been before, in the restroom at cupcake corner. It had only been minutes since she excused herself from one of the craziest parties of the year. Initially she had excused herself so she could be sick, but her stomach seemed to have settled.
“I suppose inter-dimensional travel is a natural remedy for nausea. Who knew!” Thora exclaimed to herself in the mirror. Before she could fix her mane, or even wash the remaining bits of dried timberwolf blood from her hooves, Lyra and Bon Bon smashed through the door. Both were obviously far more intoxicated than Thora, and went about their amorous deeds before even noticing a third pony’s presence.
Thora felt a hoof begin to stroke her flank.
“Woah their Lyra, wrong pony!” Lyra looked at Thora with suprise.
“Oops, hehe, sorry Mjolna, we didn’t know this room was... occupied.”
“This is the bathroom...” Lyra and Bon Bon simultaneously shrugged their shoulders, and proceeded to ignore Thora and continued to entertain each other.
After she finished washing the blood from her hands, Thora proceeded to reason that her adventures to the world of humans was probably Pinkie’s doing, that filly was always putting stuff in pony’s drinks, her idea of the ultimate party prank. Thora didn’t mind though, she thought it was a pretty cool experience. She trotted out of the bathroom, making sure to lock the door so nopony stumbled in, and proceeded to seek out the parties host and current DJ, Pinkie Pie, to see if she could request some music. Pinkie looked at her and crinkled her nose, she let out an intoxicated hoot and shouted back to Thora.
“Amon Amarth? Who in the name of cupcakes is that?! I think you’ve just had enough you silly filly!” Pinkie speedily poured two more drinks. “Or not enough!”
“Yeah, you’re probably right Pinkers” Thora said as she raced Pinkie to the bottom of their cups. “Hey by the way Pinkers, this party rules!”
