Space Olympics

by Dynasty-Kaine

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Changelings, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 4877

Inspired by The Lonely Island's "Space Olympics". This is the tale of when the Equestria games go into orbit, and how Luna deals with the responsibility of hosting them. But we all know space+sports=shenanigans!

When Princess Luna was given the right to hold the Equestria Games on the moon, everypony feared the outcome of this decision would be an utter disaster. Little did they know it would be the most hilarious disaster to ever occur in the history of the universe! Go ahead challenge the universe to leave things alone! Cause it ain't happening, not when you're in the mother bucking Space Olympics!

Rated Teen for language, sexual innuendos, and hinted drug use! You are warned!
Have you guys ever heard the song Space Olympics by The Lonely Island? You have, good. You haven't, well then this tale will confuse you just a little, but will be no less hilarious! When I first heard the song, I knew I had to do this story...it makes no sense but it was never supposed to!

Published 2015-02-18 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-18 22:10:01 UTC

This Will Be One For The History Books!

Author's Note

My first attempt at a random comedic one shot...had fun writing it long time back and now I'll be giving it to you guys and gals. Hopefully it makes up for my lack of activity....Enjoy at your own pace! (May get an editor for it sometime too...maybe...xD)

This Will Be One For The History Books!

Princess Luna stood proudly behind a podium atop a grand stage. Looking out at hundreds upon thousands of ponies before her, but this wasn't just any normal horizon she looked out upon. This was her domain, the very moon itself! She cleared her throat to speak to the immense crowd before her. Her heart beating in her chest rapidly with anxiousness.

"I am greatly honored by the chance to host the Equestrian Games here upon the moon!" the lunar princess held a wide smile as the crowd cheered. "In fact, it has shown the ultimate culmination of our great scientific and magical communities working together in tandem at long last!"

The crowd cheered and stomped their hooves loudly in response again. She hadn't been exaggerating though when she spoke of the great effort of both the scientific, and magical communities of ponydom. It had taken both her and Twilight Sparkle to raise buildings magically on the moon for temporary use, as well as the magical batteries used for the teleporter pods that would allow the many inhabitants of the earth to attend the event. The absolutely hardest task though, had been to create a feasible atmosphere so they could breathe as well as let other ponies breathe during the event.

Yet with all their skills they needed to invoke the great giants of science and engineering, which because of Twilight, hadn't been too terribly difficult. Yet to achieve such an enormous task, and within such a limited amount of time this event had almost seemed impossible. Knowing current pony technology, they had to make several leaps forward which Twilight herself had allowed. Looking out over the facilities of the moon Bio Sphere for this event Luna ignored the thought of any possible problems.

The Bio Sphere was an intricate metal platform upon the moon that could use and generate a magical barrier that could hold in oxygen and sustain life. Though the hard process of creating more oxygen had been something Luna had left entirely in Twilight's capable hands. I mean it's Twilight Sparkle, my sister's favorite pupil! What could go wrong?

"But here and now, the Equestrian Games will today be known as, the great Space Olympics!" She chuckled slightly. "As it is held within the reaches of space of course!"

The crowd before her laughed with delight. Spectators, the media, and the athletes from different regions of the world below littered the crowd below. The athletes seemed to be the most bursting with pride, as they would be the first attending this great event, and they knew if they were here they had to be the best in the world.

"Now to the athletes of the many various nationalities, are you ready? For very soon your names may just echo through out the universe!" the princess announced in a grandiose fashion. "We have many fascinating games this year, and as there is some difficulties with the gravity in some areas we thought we could double the fun!"

Luna was aglow with a child like happiness at the prospect of being able to contribute back to her little ponies as well. The majority of the athletes looked on in absolute interest at the prospect of a challenging environment. An environment that would test their abilities at limits edge. Yet there were some who looked on in disinterest, as if they were only here by some stroke of dumb luck.

"Anyways, as it is getting later on in the day I must tell all of the athletes more. Now if you shall turn to look behind this crowd, you will see a large shining complex." The dark blue mare pointed her hoof straight ahead. "This is the Challenger dormitory." She picked up a note her sister had made sure to leave her on the podium. "Also due to my sister's strict budget for the athletes, certain amenities will be withheld. So this year we will NOT be covering incidentals!"

"Oh come on!" a mare groaned out from the audience.

Luna pointed a hoof directly at the pink mare that had groaned, "Yes that means you Berry Punch, keep your flank out of the mini bars! In fact stay away from the bars in general. You are an athlete after all!"

"Aw, the games just got that much more lame!" Berry Punch announced loudly, though no pony knew how she had gotten to be an athlete in the first place.

"Anyways, to more pressing matters. Every galactic athlete must get a coded ID badge, and another thing drug tests are mandatory--NO excuses! Cause you're all winners after all!" Luna took no objections here.

She didn't want any pony, gryphon, zebra, alien, etc. cheating in her moment in the spotlight. She would show her sister that she was up to the responsibility of taking care of the Equestrian Games all by herself! She would garner much attention and honor from this grand stage.

"Another issue we should cover is what Twilight Sparkle called, gravity pockets. All pegasi are grounded; especially Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot. Any of your high velocity flying could get us all killed or at least get you sucked into the vacuum of space." Luna said with dire urgency.

"Aw that's lame!" Rainbow shouted in dismay. "I wanted to see what it would be like to do a sonic rainboom in space!"

"Well if you don't want your head popping right off I'd suggest against it." the princess ordered.

"Fine you won't hear any gripes from me, but I still think hitting those gravity pockets could be awesome!" Dash declared with glee.

"Not if you don't want the magic barrier to launch you into space Dash!" Spitfire chided her. "Though you could always do it and make it easier for every team to defeat yours!"

"What did you say?" Rainbow turned in challenge.

"SILENCE!" Luna roared. As they came back to attention she said very astutely, "You two can buck later in your rooms if that kind of chatter is necessary."

Both mares turned away from one another blushing, the crowd emitting lighthearted laughter in response. With that rather direct comment Luna thought she had quelled the outbursts, but little did she expect her last comment would set something off.

"Did you just imply that they have sex later? Who knew the pure and righteous princess Luna was a pervert!" an anonymous pony shouted.

The princess blushed out of surprise, "Wh-Who said that? I humbly request you retract that base slander!"

"Not a chance you dirty princess you!" the voice again taunted.

She became visibly flustered not being able to find the pony that spoke, "I can just get rid of you."

"You can't even find me to oppress me, so how do you intend to get rid of me?"

"ENOUGH!" Luna roared as her magic flowed through her horn, she would find her tormentor yet.

"Chains--no, wait. Are these, velvet ropes? You tied me up? Oh, so you're kinky too princess?" the anon pony said from a small cluster of ponies near the front of the stage.

"Wh-What? That's nonsense!" Luna answered flustered as her horn lit again. "Th-There, that should keep you quiet for a while."

A pony next to anon pony retorted, "Princess Luna, why did you use a ball gag to silence him?"

She sighed unable to continue, "I'm quite done with this embarrassing conversation. Can we please just get to the lighting of the torch and close the opening ceremonies?"

After fighting with the crowd a little longer she finally got to the torch lighting, and as it blazed to life Luna knew that things were on the right track. Despite the countless interruptions. Now the crowd before her began to disperse among the many buildings risen upon the moon.

Yet the lunar princess had to admit that one anonymous pony had been too well placed, and in fact he had somehow escaped her bindings. Though he hadn't antagonized her again, she was curious as to where he had come from all of a sudden.

It was then the princess was tackled by a familiar gray and blonde blur.

"Hiya Luna!" Derpy said with a cheerful expression.

She smiled at the realization of her friend, "Oh it's just you Derpy, I'm glad to see you made it."

______________________________________________________________________________________

A draconis disguised as a unicorn looked on at the crowd as it dispersed from within a dark alleyway. He laughed in utter delight at his handiwork as he transformed back into his normal form. He had knew if he had come to this event there would be no short supply of chaos for him to enjoy.

"Ah, now that was quite fun. Chaos, disorder, and mischief is what I do best after all!" was what Discord had to say for his actions.

He rubbed his hands mischievously as he schemed to make this Equestria Games much more entertaining than it could ever be for him. He would have to do his best to keep his shenanigans to a minimum though, because his friend Fluttershy was attending. If he did anything too bad he would hurt her feelings, and he refused to do that despite what his nature demanded.

He planned to antagonize Luna at every turn he could manage, but that was just the tip of the iceberg for him. He would turn the sporting events into something of chaos, it would be just hilarious to turn space swords into space salamis. Seeing the princess tackled by Derpy Hooves, he knew he could cause some ruckus with the supply of food that Celestia had provided Luna for this event. Berry Punch's participation could also be quite desirable.

"Oh my, the many things I could do with everything that silly princess of the moon has provided me!" he declared following with a laugh.

As the blonde mail mare departed the princess with a wave of her hoof. Discord transformed back into a unicorn, and approached Derpy casually.

"Hey there you're Derpy aren't you?" the draconis inquired politely.

She jumped in shock at the sudden question, "Ah, you scared me! But yes I am why do you ask?"

"I hear you like muffins, and I just thought you of all ponies should know there is a muffin bunker here on the moon where they hide muffins from the ponies." he tempted Derpy since he couldn't hypnotize her for some reason.

Derpy twitched, "M-M-Muffins?"

"Yes, maybe you would like to acquire them?" he lulled her onward.

"M-M-Muffins?" the gray mare repeated as if lost.

Discord blinked confused, "Are you even listening?"

She tackled him furiously and shouted, "Where are the muffins being held prisoner? You will tell me now!"

He smiled, this plan was going to be great, "If you'll let me get up, I'll show you...personally."

Derpy got off him frantically and he got himself up ready to lead her to the food storage for the event. He tried to make a point of convincing her to get more than just muffins, but the strange mare seemed entirely lost in her thoughts of muffins. He was going to set up such perfect pranks, and he couldn't wait until they bore hilarious fruits.

______________________________________________________________________________________

The next day...

Luna sat upon her throne listening to a report from one of her guards. She did not seem pleased and he didn't seem to be enjoying delivering his message.

"And that's the report my Princess." the lunar guard stated with a frown.

"So let me get this straight." Luna started leaning forward, closing her eyes, and putting her hooves together. "Some pony assaulted and raided our food stores for the Space Olympics? On top of that she wiped the floor with my guards?"

The guards eyes darted away from his princess, "Um, y-yes princess Luna."

"It was a gray blur of a mare, and she managed to take you by surprise even though in attacking she shouted, and I quote, "Snack attack mother buckers!"?" she opened her eyes with displeasure. "Now what all did she manage to take?"

"All of the muffin mix and all the ingredients for making them as well." He replied. "There were a few odd things missing as well, and the refrigeration unit was disconnected spoiling a good portion of food as well. Our stores are a lot more depleted than we would have anticipated for somepony just taking muffins."

At that moment Derpy Hooves walked into the throne room nonchalantly skipping. Luna looked at her friend, and realized with great angst what may have happened. Her friend was addicted to muffins, and would do anything to obtain them if she wanted them. Snack attack, eh Derpy?

"Hi there Luna, how are you this morning?" the blonde mare asked with a smile.

Luna looked at her friend seriously as she stood in front of her, "Derpy, please don't tell me that you went muffin crazy on our food stores?"

Her friend looked quite guilty, "Wh-What me? No! Not really, I mean..."

"Derpy just tell me please." the princess begged.

"Okay, okay! I took them, but I just couldn't help it Luna! I had to free the muffins!" she replied with tears in her eyes.

"Free the muffins?" the princess retorted in confusion.

"Well yeah, I was told you were keeping all the muffiny goodness from everyone else. And I couldn't let you do that silly!" Derpy answered with an innocent smile.

"Well that's okay my friend, but what confuses me most is why did you take so much of the food?" she inquired gently. "I mean I can understand the muffins, but why take the other food?"

"So I could make the muffins silly, I needed the right ingredients." Derpy smiled slightly.

Luna looked even more baffled now, "But why would you need meat for muffins?"

"Meat?" the mailmare was reflecting her own confusion. "Oh, well that wasn't for me. My new friend anon pony wanted it!"

"A-Anon pony?" the princess stuttered. "Why do I have a feeling it's him again."

The sparkling maned princess knew at this point that anon pony was going to be the bane of her existence for this event. She had to find him and detain him for the remainder of the Olympics, but the question was how could she do so. Her magic could only seek out at a short distance after all. The cooking staff had managed to throw something together for the opening breakfast, but Luna wasn't sure how things would go without a rationing plan being put into place at this point.

She hoped that the rest of the day wouldn't go badly, but had her hopes quickly destroyed as a new guard rushed in kneeling before her.

"What now?" she shouted throwing her hooves into the air.

"The first events of the day have began, but there were problems with the equipment left and right!" the guard said flustered.

The princess facehoofed in a great level of stress, "Is everypony okay at least?"

The guard looked hesitant to give this information but did so anyways, "Well my princess all the discs have been replaced with ducks, and the swords were replaced with salamis."

"What in the?" was Luna's only reply her face contorting in awkward confusion.

"We only found one of the space luge sleds, and it was defaced with a simple message." he continued. "It said simply, Anon Pony Was Here."

She facehoofed again, "Where did this stallion come from? He's ruining my mother buckin' Space Olympics!"

"I'm sorry my princess we have failed you!" both guards said bowing their heads in shame.

She sighed, "Just get me the announcement microphone then. We will have to let the ponies know."

One of the guards went to get the microphone and returned with it after a moment setting it up in front of her. She reached forward and turned it on with her hoof. This announcement was not going to be particularly easy to make.

"Ponies of the Space Olympics, I have an announcement to make." Luna began with dread. "Let it be known to every nation that from here on, you will only be able to get one meal a day. There was a bit of miscommunication on how much food we needed for the event, and our stockpile is quite insufficient."

She paused for a moment knowing all too well the reactions of every individual around the complex, it hurt to do this.

"Also, due to recent vandalism we would like to have a curfew put in place but it seems that is a tad hard with very little light and sound in space." the princess rued having to continue. "Now for all competing athletes, I have a minor scheduling announcement for you."

Oh how could things have gone this wrong so quickly, poor Luna would have to salvage what was left of the event. She knew she had to postpone a good portion of the events to make sure that all the equipment would be in its proper places. Yet, she knew the athletes would be royally miffed by this.

"Space disc...is totally cancelled, space swords...are totally cancelled, space luge...is also cancelled, and all other events are pending an investigation into recent vandalism." she concluded with certainty. "Once again welcome to your Space Olympics and thank you for your patience!"

Luna looked utterly dispirited by the events going on as she turned off the microphone with her hoof slowly. At least things couldn't get any worse, right?

It didn't take long for this thought to be shattered as Twilight Sparkle burst into her throne room looking absolutely frantic. Whatever the mare had to say wasn't good, and was eating away her sanity from the looks of things. The lavender mare galloped to the front of her throne and bowed before looking up to speak.

"Twilight, please don't tell me there is more bad news!" Luna cut the mare off in desperation.

She looked absolutely disgruntled at this, "Fine I won't tell you what's wrong, I'll just sit here pretending everything is fine."

The lunar princess groaned, "Fine Twilight, tell me what's wrong then!"

"Well since you were wondering." she answered irritably. "For all our efforts to produce oxygen for everyone to breathe, we have run into an issue. We can't produce it fast enough and we are running out of it rapidly."

"You must be joking?" the princess answered in disbelief.

"Does this look like a face of laughter?" the purple mare replied with a disgruntled expression.

"No it doesn't. Well Twilight, how long do we have till we run out of air?" Luna asked hoping they could make it at least one day.

Twilight put a hoof to her chin before responding, "I'd estimate about four hours worth."

With that her hopes were crushed. The Space Olympics would have to be cancelled, due to a series of mishaps that were getting worse by the minute. As Luna looked around she noticed Derpy had disappeared completely. She was going through so much that she needed her friend for support, but nowhere to be found was the muffin loving mare.

Four hours left of oxygen, which meant four more possible hours of chaos. Should she just end it now, or wait to see if the situation improved? She decided to cling to hope and decided to wait a few more hours.

"I am sure you and your team can get things under control Twilight, and as such I feel I must take a few more hours to see if events do not straighten themselves out." Luna declared with vaunted confidence.

The lavender mare looked back at her with uncertainty, "Okay princess, but I wouldn't wait too long."

As the guards and Twilight Sparkle filed out of the throne room Luna hung her head in defeat. Why do these things always happen to me?

______________________________________________________________________________________

Four hours later...

Luna now stood behind a glass window overlooking the oxygen producing processes move forward, and even gave some effort herself to the production when she could. She was now in the empty break room recharging her magic; this was the control center for everything that would happen in the mechanized metropolis that had arisen recently.

The guards had managed to amend the problem behind their equipment pranks, and got all the proper things back. Yet, they hadn't managed to find the culprit. Also with the princess' help the oxygen levels had been maintained, but even she couldn't deny the effort was practically in vain. Derpy was still for the most part missing in action, and to some extent this worried Luna with how clumsy the blonde mare could be.

Then out of nowhere a stallion unicorn trotted in proudly declaring, "Guess who just had sex on the moon Shining Streak!"

Luna turned and looked at him eyes wide in shock, a light rosy blush lighting her cheeks. As he noticed what he just said to the princess, and that his friend wasn't in the room he blushed bright red.

"P-Princess Luna? Oh my gosh I'm sorry about that statement forgive me!" the stallion said frantically bowing apologetically.

She laughed realizing the situation, "Ah well it's alright. How could you have known my presence would end up landing your friends breaks at different times? All is forgiven, but maybe you should get to work now. We are already behind schedule."

"Of course! Immediately your highness!" he replied rushing out of the room.

She sighed, even though that was a nice distraction it wasn't enough to take her mind off of things. Turning back to the window she finally saw Derpy wandering around the control boards eating a muffin, and not paying a pittance of attention to anything around her. Such an adorable little pony. Wait, Luna quickly realized. How did she even get in there without verification?

The clumsy mare had wandered close to a button that caused Luna to nearly have a heart attack as she rushed out of the break room and onto the engineering floor. If she knew anything about how the universe usually worked, she knew that Derpy was the perfect pawn for endangering everyone in this situation.

"Derpy, come over here!" Luna shouted trying not to sound desperate or angry.

The mailmare turned to see the princess and her eyes lit up with joy, and she turned to sit her muffin down. At first she thought she didn't have to worry any as a muffin wouldn't have the weight to do any damage. That is, until she saw the button begin to depress under the weight of the muffin. How is that even possible!!!

It was the self destruct button.

"Oh sister, why me?" she muttered as she rushed over to Derpy, who looked absolutely worried.

"Um uh-oh." the blonde mare said turning to look at her. "Luna, did I just do something really bad?"

She smiled as she tried to answer, "What, n-no not at all! You just--"

"Self-destruct sequence activated. This station will detonate in exactly one hour. Please evacuate to your nearest teleport pod." the computer interrupted Luna monotonously.

The workers littering the engineering floor instantly looked towards Luna in fear, and quite quickly did they begin to panic.

The lunar princess sighed again, "Derpy listen to the computer and evacuate. Today the universe is just not letting me win in any--"

The computer cut in again as the alarms began to sound, "Warning. Warning. Multiple changeling bio signatures detected advancing on the magic barrier. Attack is immanent."

"THAT'S IT!" Luna roared in anger as she stormed off, leaving Derpy behind.

She headed rapidly for the throne room she had to announce one last message and hopefully no one would get hurt. It was the least she could do for those under her care. As she burst through the doors into the throne room Twilight Sparkle was waiting for her, looking just as worried as she felt. Such a good pony to stand amidst the chaos going on.

"Twilight Sparkle I need you to evacuate now. Tell my sister what has happened here, and I will attempt to get everyone home safely." she ordered.

The lavender mare simply nodded her understanding and rushed out of the room. The microphone still stood in front of her throne so she galloped over and turned it on and began to relay what could possibly be her last message.

"Attention all space Olympics enthusiasts, do not panic at the alarms that have been going off. The truth is all the oxygen really has run out, and somepony, who will not be named, accidentally pushed the self destruct button." she warned the populace wisely leaving Derpy's name out. "Everyone is to file out to the telepods in an orderly fashion! As for the impending changeling attack, I will distract them myself. Goodbye my little ponies and I pray you may forgive my incompetence in this year's Equestria Games!"

Luna immediately bolted out of the throne room to engage the changeling hordes rapidly approaching. She took to the skies upon exiting the building, and reveled in the fact that she was one of the few pony's that could survive in space without oxygen for at most one day, but no more. So she phased through the magical barrier and awaited the changelings that rushed her.

As Luna stared death in the face she knew her grievous errors would drag her down in the annuls of history as one of the worst leaders of all time. Well, maybe just one of the worst hosts of the games. Then out of nowhere a large boat came careening towards the magical barrier as the princess turned to watch.

Upon collision a space pirate emerged from the vessel to shout, "I'm on a boat mother buckers! Yargh!"

"Okay now that is quite unexpected." Luna said not knowing what to feel about that.

"You're telling me." a sultry voice spoke from behind her. "I mean, I thought I had every element planned so well!"

She turned to face Chrysalis the changeling Queen, "So you're behind all of this?"

"Not all of it." she replied in a simple tone. "Just the invasion bit. You have Discord to thank for accidentally setting off the snowball effect you're now stuck in."

"Of course, Discord was Anon pony!" Luna fumed through clenched teeth.

"But now dear princess we are going to make you one of us using cocaine!"

Luna tilted her head in confusion, "Chrysalis, that's not how cocaine works."

"SILENCE!" she shouted. "Don't underestimate cocaine, it's one hay of a drug."

"In fact I don't think you can talk about drugs in this story." the princess looked unimpressed.

"What?" the changeling queen looked back confused. "Well then I can just convert you using. Um. Tentacles?"

"Nope. That's too perverse." she simply replied.

"I never specified how though!" she countered.

"Doesn't matter." Luna shrugged.

"Gah, you're impossible!" she fumed. "Fine then I will defeat you with this fluffy pink pony!"

Luna looked scared now, "Oh no, not fluffle puff! Chrysalis that's cheating!"

She then held a fluffy pink pony out that was sticking out its tongue, "Yes tha--what is that?"

She turned to look as the complex they had built for the Olympics exploded in a grandiose manner. As she was hit by the shock wave of the blast she was knocked back into the waking world, sitting bolt upright in her bed. She looked around her room in Canterlot castle confounded.

"What the hay is going on here?" Luna shouted in irritation.

Celestia popped her head in the door, "Morning Luna, how is my baby sister this morning?"

She grabbed her pillow and threw it at the door, "Get out of my room sister!"

"Okay geez!" Celestia said from the other side of the door. "Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed."

Once she heard her sister walk away she laid back down before saying, "I have got to stop staying up playing sports games all night and eating junk food. Especially Tia's ice cream." She giggled. "Though she is gonna flip when she finds her precious ice cream gone!"

It was then that she heard her sister's voice, "LUNA WHERE IS MY ICE CREAM?"

She quickly got up, headed for her balcony, unfurled her wings, and took flight for her lunar palace on the moon.

As she flew away she could still hear her sister yelling, "Luna, don't you run from me! I will find you, and I will destroy you!"

This was much better than her horrible nightmare, but she made a note to herself then and there. Discord was in for some serious pranks from her effective immediately! He had totally ruined her dream on purpose! She smiled innocently as she headed home to the moon to plan her own mischief for the future. Maybe go see Derpy later even, in her dreams that is.