PJ's Adventures in Equestria

by Spark Brave

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Human, Comedy
Length: 9101

PJ is your average teenager but when he is somehow sucked into a world of talking ponies he finds himself at a loss as of what to do.

PJ is your average teenager, he has a small eating disorder, a seeing disability and a family that is falling apart. But when he is pulled into a world of talking ponies can things get better? Why are portals opening up all over the place? And more importantly, can he find the love he's always longed for in the company of a grey furred mail-mare?

There is one other question everypony else is asking: what if the next portal brings something dangerous?

This is a self insert that ships me with Derpy. If this kind of story makes you uncomfortable in any way please avoid reading this.

Contains very strong launguage, ponyxhuman content and sexual content.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-08 19:30:19 UTC

Prologue

"I just don't see why she feels the need to target me when I've done nothing wrong," my mum said for the thousandth time since this entire little family war we're having started. I could have sworn that if she got on any less with my brother's fiancée then what little of the family we have left that likes us would stay away out of fear that she wouldn't shut up.

I should probably introduce myself, I am Paul. My friends call me PJ as my middle name is James; I don't feel at liberty to reveal my last name. This complaining wreck sat in front of me is my mother who is bitching about my brother's 'girlfriend' as she calls her, she claims that they won't last long enough to get married but I don't know. The guy's dedicated enough to put up with her for almost two years now.

"Mum, at this stage I'm beyond caring," I told her "If you keep going on about her then you're giving her exactly what she wants. Attention." After all, it was mum who kept moaning about her comments on Facebook by taking it to Facebook. She claims that because she doesn't call her by name then she can't possibly be berated for keeping it going but in all honest she doesn't exactly try to hide it.

Mum huffs and then carries on "I just can't see why she keeps bugging me about things I haven't done..."

This is around the point where I got up and went to the toilet, I walked up the stairs of our house and into the bathroom directly at the top, I didn't need to go or anything but I did need to get away from hearing the same comments over and over.

When I got in there and locked the door I looked at myself in the mirror, I am not that tall, being at around five and a half feet. I have short-cut black hair and fcuk brand glasses over my bright blue eyes. I sigh loudly as I look down at my stomach, you see I have this eating problem, it just seems that I eat everything I come into contact with and because of that I am slightly overweight. I often surprise myself that I am not the size of a house.

As I'm sure you can tell by now my family is in a state of disrepair, you see my brother is currently living with his girlfriend who is in plain words, a bitch. I can say I share my mums opinion of her but at the same time I get irritated at her because she can't see when she should just drop something and move on. Yes his girlfriend's an attention seeker, yes she makes up bullshit so that she can take pot-shots at people she doesn't like but that doesn't mean you should give her a reason to get you into trouble. In my opinion they are all as bad as each other.

It doesn't help that my brothers seem to encourage the matter, the one directly involved chooses to either stay out of it or give my mum hints that basically scream 'fuck off' so that this just ends quickly and with minimal pain for the people involved. My other two brothers on the other hand take mums side and basically shout abuse about this girl twenty-four-seven and to once again be honest; it's starting to piss me off how no one can just agree not to speak to each other.

I've contemplated running away but that gets shot down instantly with the fact that I'm fifteen and have no real skills, not to mention very limited knowledge of how to survive as a homeless. So yeah, pretty fucked eh?

I exit the bathroom once I've cooled down enough but I'm still not willing to listen to more of mum's shit so I grab my coat and head out the front door, calling back "I'm going for a walk" and then shutting the door behind me as I leave.

I don't know that many places around where I live due to limited exercise so I just chose to take a walk around the nearby lake, the sun was out so a teenager with a casual black t-shirt and grey trousers wouldn't make people wonder about me. Which is good, I hate it when people worry.

Twilight Sparkle's horn was lighting up the library as Spike watched with massive amounts of boredom. "Why are we doing this again?" the little dragon asked.

"There have been random energy readings popping up all over Equestria Spike, the energy Princess Celestia described sounded much like teleportation magic which begs the question. Why has nothing shown up?" Twilight replied to her number one assisstant, she gave wings a stretch and went back to concentrating.

Spike didn't really need to hear it again, he was just getting bored. Twilight was trying to pinpoint another magical energy reading similar to the ones picked up earlier in the month so that she could see what it was.

I walked towards the lake, despite the nice weather I had not seen anyone else out which was understandable considering it was about five in the afternoon. I preferred it like that though, I didn't get on very well with people and always felt awkward when in the presence of a lot of strangers even if I wasn't expected to interact with them. Still though, it felt that it was too rare an opportunity to miss in England.

I went back to thinking about my family, how had it all gone to shit so quickly? I still didn't understand how one person could cause this much trouble but it wasn't the time to worry about that now, I had to just enjoy the day...

...which was proven impossible when I saw a swirling vortex appear in front of me and I was too busy walking to react to its presence until I had walked directly into it and the next thing I knew I was eating grass.

"Got it!" Twilight shouted in excitement. "Come on Spike, I'll teleport us to its location"

The small purple dragon walked over to her thinking about what he would do when they found nothing. Within seconds Twilight's horn began to glow and they both vanished from the library in a flash.

They reappeared in a small clearing inside a forest, the Everfree Forest to be exact. While this should have scared them Twilight was slightly more preoccupied with the hairless, ape-like creature that lay on the floor before them.

I heard a rather young sounding male voice say "What the heck is that thing?" rather loudly and my first instinct was that some large animal had made its home at the lake.

"I don't know Spike," a female voice sounded "but it looks like it might be dangerous"

I coughed out some of the grass that had made its home in my mouth and looked up, what I saw baffled be into almost insanity in a second. Stood before me was a small horse-like creature with a lavender coat and a purple mane with a pink highlight in it,  the other being was a small purple lizard-like creature with green spikes on its back. I assumed this was 'Spike' and that these were the two that were talking to me.

I stood up, said "Holy shit," whilst laughing hysterically and then passed out.

Chapter One - Talking Ponies

"What d'ya reckon it is Twi?" Applejack asked with a raised eyebrow, the ape-like creature Twilight had brought back to the library was laying on the floor. This thing was weird and it was found in the Everfree Forest. That alone warranted suspicion.

"I'm not sure AJ but whatever it is it appeared in exactly the same place as the energy readings I've been picking up" Twilight said matter-of-factly. She had gathered her five friends in the library after she had teleported herself, Spike and the creature back.

Fluttershy was sat next to it, looking over it with curiosity. As strange as this creature was she let her love for animals get the better of her nervousness. "Oh dear, I do hope he's alright. From the sound of it you scared this poor dear half to death." She continued looking over it "Whatever species this is I've never seen it around here before. Where do you suppose it came from?"

"Whatever it is I say we kick its flank back to where it came from. I don't trust this thing." Rainbow Dash stated, hovering above the creature whilst giving it a glare.

"We can't do that Rainbow, we have to study it and see if it knows how it got here and what's been causing those portals to show up all over the place. And besides," Twilight shrugs "it might not even be hostile. We won't know until it wakes up."

"Well I don't know about all that but its dress sense is absolutely horrid! Just look at how plain its clothes are, and the dirt it has allowed to get onto them is simply appalling," Rarity said, cringing at its clothes.

"Well it had fallen in the dirt when we first found it, probably a side-effect to having unexpectedly walked through a portal or something."

They all became distracted by a bouncing pink mass bouncing around the room talking at high speeds "Oh boy a new friend! Do you think it wants to be friends? I hope it wants to be friends! Hey, I have an idea. Let's throw it a PARTY!"

"PINKIE!" they all shouted at once, causing Pinkie Pie to stop bouncing and smile sheepishly.

I groggily awoke to the sound of voices, whatever they were talking about they were using the word 'it' an awful lot. The previous events of the day replayed in my mind and I realised that they must be talking about me. That horse-like 'thing' and the small reptile had found me in the forest and I had passed out from the shock. They must have had friends because I could hear five new voices.

"PINKIE!" I heard them all yell and I was startled out of my thought process, this caused me to jump slightly and I heard a small 'eep' close to me. I opened my eyes to find myself looking face-to-face with more of the talking horses. I appeared to be in some sort of library which I took as a good sign as it obviously meant they were civilised.

Looking around at them I saw the same lavender one from earlier but only now noticed that it had wings and a horn. A Pegasus Unicorn? I thought. I looked at the others and saw next to me a yellow Pegasus with a long pink main covering one of its eyes and another Pegasus flying above me which had a cyan blue coat and rainbow coloured mane and tail which were all roughed up and unkempt, it was giving me what can only be described as a death stare. There was an ordinary Unicorn stood across the room, it had a bright white coat and a purple mane and tail which were surprisingly stylised. To my surprise there were also ordinary horses as well, an orange one with freckles and a blond mane (which was kept in ponytails) and tail and there was a bright pink one with a darker pink mane and tail. Oddly enough it was bouncing around the room with a smile that breaks the laws of physics. The reptile from before was nowhere to be seen.

They all just stared at me until the lavender one spoke up "Um, hello. Can you understand me?" Being too shocked to speak at this stage I simply nodded at her question, resulting in a large gasp from the others. "Okay then, do you have a name?"

I swallowed deeply and had to put all of my will into speaking the next line "M-my name is P-paul but you can just c-call me PJ" The stutter didn't help my nervousness at all.

"Well, okay PJ. I am Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends," she points her hoof at the orange one "Applejack," the pink one "Pinkie PIe," the unicorn "Rarity," the yellow one "Fluttershy," finally, the rainbow-maned one "and Rainbow Dash"

"Howdy there fella," Applejack walked up and offered a hoof which I grabbed and shook apprehensively. She on the other hand (or hoof?) had no problem nearly shaking my arm off. I had to hold my arm in place to stop it shaking when she walked away.

Rarity walked over to me rather elegantly for a horse "It is a pleasure to meet you darling. You simply must stop by the boutique some time and see what we can do about those horrid, no offence, clothes."

Fluttershy simply squeaked something that I can only assume was a hello, apparently I'm a lot more scary when I'm concious. It was actually rather funny, normally I'm the one shitting myself around strangers.

Rainbow Dash simply continued to glare at me for a while before putting a hoof to her eyes and then pointing it at me, to be honest I'm surprised not all of them were as suspicious as she was. This did little to my mood however as I was already bricking it. All that did was support the notion that I was in trouble.

Suddenly Pinkie Pie appeared before me and I jumped out of my skin. "HiI'mPinkiePieandIwanttobeyourfriendandIthinktocelebrateanewfriendweshouldthrowyouaparty!" I visibly got more nervous because of her energetic welcome and started backing off.

Twilight obviously saw my discomfort as she held a hoof over the pink horse's mouth. "Sorry about her, she's like this with every new arrival," She sighed and I could tell she was talking from experience "Now then, I have some questions for you..."

"Hold it right there," I said raising a hand "I have one of my own first. Why the hell is there a load of talking horses?"

"Horses?" Twilight gave me a confused look "I've never heard of those before but if you're referring to us then I need to correct you. We're ponies, not 'horses'"

I took in what she had just said and came to only one possible conclusion "So, I'm essentially on a different planet then?"

"I suppose that's one way of putting it," Twilight hummed for a second "although looking at the energy readings I gathered from the area we found you in I'd say you were from a different dimension entirely"

I started breathing heavily upon hearing this. I wasn't hyperventilating but heavy breathing normally helps me to adjust to a situation faster. In the end this wasn't all bad, I didn't have to listen the my family's constant bickering about who is fucking who over and why the bitch is doing what she's doing. Thinking about this made me relax but in the end they were still my family and I knew I was going to start missing them at some point. "Okay," I said "ask your questions"

Twilight smiled, her horn glowed and she a notebook and quill floated in front of her surrounded by an aura of purple light "Okay. First of all: what are you?"

"I am a human from the planet Earth, I'm fifteen years old, slightly overweight and I am really nervous right now" Not a great joke but it helps me cope.

"Why are you nervous?" She asks even though the answer is obvious.

"I've just been ripped away from everything familiar and dumped into a world full of intelligent creatures that resemble animals from back home, wouldn't you be nervous?" I replied sarcastically.

She appeared to realise the obviousness of her question because all she could come out with was "Oh" Then she spoke again "How did you get here?"

"I honestly don't know. I can tell you what I was doing when I got here but I don't know how much it'll help"

"Go on" she said.

"Well I was taking a walk around the lake, I was thinking and when the weird light vortex thing appeared in front of me all I could do was think 'holy shit'," everyone visibly cringed when I swore "as I failed to react before walking through it. The next thing I know you and that lizard thingy are stood in front of me speaking and I pass out"

"That 'lizard thingy' was Spike, my assistant. And he's not a lizard. He's a baby dragon"

My eyes widened "You're shitting me right?"

"No I'm not and why do you swear so much?"

"Swearing is socially accepted back home for the most part and old habits die hard so you'll probably catch me doing that a lot"

She jotted something else down on the notebook "Spike!" she called. A few seconds later I saw the purple dragon come rush down the stairs, he stopped when he saw me.

"Oh, so it's awake?" he asked.

"Yes and it's a 'he' not an 'it'" I said slightly annoyed.

"Oh, sorry dude. Anyway what did you want Twilight?"

"Spike, I need you to send this information to Princess Celestia so that she can decide what to do with the situation"

"But Twilight you're a princess too can't you just make that kind of decision?" Rainbow Dash finally spoke, apparently eager to be rid of me.

"No Rainbow. I may be a princess but Princess Celestia rules the country so technically all decisions like this fall to her" Twilight told her. She looked somewhat irritated at her friend.

Twilight tore the page from her notebook and gave it to Spike. He then proceeded to breath a small green flame onto it and the ashes went blowing out the window. "Why did you burn it?" I asked.

"He didn't, that was a spell that delivers the letter directly to Princess Celestia. We should hear from her by tomorrow regarding what you will do"

I sighed. It looks like it's time to play the waiting game.

Chapter Two - Getting Measured

Dear Twilight Sparkle

I am most curious about this new arrival you say we have, such a creature has never been seen in Equestria or any other countries throughout the world. I must ask you to keep this 'PJ' a secret from the town populace until I meet with him myself and decide what is to be done with him. He does not sound threatening but precautions must be taken under these circumstances. I trust you will make him as comfortable as possible in the time being.

Yours sincerely

Princess Celestia

Spike finished reading the response we had received from the princess mere moments after sending her the information I had given to them. I had been nervous that she would want me killed or something but the kind sounding letter put my mind at ease, although the letter also confirmed something that we had only speculated on so far. I was definitely not on my own world anymore.

I also had new reason to be nervous now as I was going to be meeting with a princess. I had never interacted with the monarchs of my country on my own damn planet, what the hell was I going to do in this situation?

Then came a rather refined voice breaking the ice "A meeting with the princess. Oh you simply must get some better clothes for the occasion". As much as Rarity's comments about my clothes pissed me off; I had in fact chosen these myself and thought they looked quite good, she did have a point. My current clothes are dirty and even if they weren't I doubt these are the kinds of things a guy wears when he's meeting royalty.

With a sigh of defeat I asked the dreaded question "What did you have in mind?"

She immediately grew a smile on her face that rivalled even Pinkie Pie's if you can believe that. "Twilight," she began "could I borrow him for a little while? Do not worry dear he won't be seen."

"Well, okay Rarity. But remember not to let Sweetie Belle see him." Twilight replied.

"No need to worry darling, she is out with those little friends of hers so she shouldn't be back for a long time." With that Rarity's horn began to glow a bright blue and a flash blinded me into covering my eyes. I blinked a few times and adjusted my glasses in an attempt to regain my eyesight, when I did the change of location took me by complete surprise.

I found myself surrounded by pink decorations, most of the high ones had hearts on them. I was clearly in a place of buisness as there was a cash till on a counter at the far side. Everywhere I looked I could see mannequins in the shape of ponies (ponyquinnes?), all of which had some form of clothing on them. Mostly dresses. Good God, a fashion designer that works mostly on females is going to be making my clothes.

She levitated a tape-measure from behind the counter "Now then take your clothes off if you please."

I stared at her in shock "Please tell me you're joking." I pleaded to which she shook her head.

"How am I supposed to get your proper measurements if you're wearing those things? And, prey tell, why are you so apprehensive about it in the first place?"

"It's kind of a big thing back home that it's not socially acceptable to be naked in front of other people unless under certain circumstances" I think she understood.

"Oh my. Well unless you get those clothes off you're going to be stuck in them for quite a long time so if I were you I would get it over with, we should only have to do this once."

Tired of arguing I complied and removed all of my clothing except for my boxer shorts, I am not going butt-ass naked if I can help it. Besides, they're tight enough for her to measure accurately through them.

"Stand up straight please. Arms out." I complied and stood as she wanted. She measured absolutely everything. My arms, my legs, my torso and even my head for some reason. I just decided it was in case I wanted a hat. It took the best part of an hour to get the measurements done but when they were I could finally breathe a sigh of relief as I put my clothes back on. Dirty or not this was definitely more comfortable.

"Alright, all done. I'll get to work right away and have them done by tomorrow."

I was about to thank her but then something occured to me "Thanks Rarity but to be honest I don't really have any money so how do you suppose I can pay for this?"

"Pay? Oh no darling I will have none of that. This is a favour for a friend and as such there is no need for payment." she waved a hoof dismissively.

I was taken aback by how generous this pony was, nobody back home would have been this nice. I think I'm going to like it here I thought to myself. "Wow thanks. This means a lot. Do you think you could send me back to the library please?"

"Of course, just hold on a moment" her horn once again glowed bright blue and with a flash I found myself in the wooden library.

Twilight is sat in front of a table reading a book when she looks up and smiles at me. "Hey, you were gone a while. Everypony else left." She was right, we were completely alone but I suspected that Spike was still around somewhere. As if to confirm my suspicions she added "Spike is upstairs asleep. Do you want something to eat?"

That caught my attention. I swear my stomach has a mind of its own as it growled to answer for me, earning another grin from Twilight as I smiled sheepishly. She got up and went into a room that turned out to be a kitchen, she stood completely still for a few seconds before turning around and asking "What do you eat anyway?"

This question caused a feeling of dread to wash over me as I knew I would have to answer honestly or I might lose their trust. It was a miracle they hadn't noticed my canines yet and I didn't want to press my luck so I just came out with it. "I'm omnivorous."

Twilight's eyes went wide and for a moment I thought she was going to scream but she quickly regained her calm demeanor "But you can still eat vegetarian?" I nodded. "Then we should be alright as long as you can go without meat, you can can't you?" Once again I nodded. Twilight hummed to herself for a little while before asking "How does a tomato and lettuce sandwich sound?"

"That sounds great." I lied. I was never a huge fan of either but I want to make a good impression or I wasn't going to last very long here. After some working with the food she levitated over a plate with the sandwich on it which I took and place on the table Twilight had been sat at. It was only now that I really acknowledged just how short these ponies were, Twilight came up to about my chest which wasn't that high at all given how short I was by human standards.

I decided to drop it and get on with the horrible food in front of me, I picked up the sandwich, took a bite and...

...it was the single most amazing thing I had ever tasted. I mean it was better than a McDonald's hamburger coated with all sorts of crap. If all food tastes this good here I was going to be very happy. I wolfed down the sandwich in a couple of minutes leaving Twilight laughing at me. "My my, you're a hungry one aren't you?"

"Not really," I replied "that was just the best damn thing I've ever tasted in my life. Is all the food that good here?"

"Most of it. It's all freshly grown in the best soil around. Was it not like that in your world?"

"Nah, there was so much pollution and shit that all the vegetarian food tasted like complete fucking rubbish. Pardon my language." She laughed a little at that last part, I still don't know why. I yawned loudly and then another though occurred to me "Uh... Twilight. Where am I going to sleep?"

"We have a spare bed prepared for you upstairs. It might be a little small but I'm sure you'll find it comfortable." She began leading me upstairs and we came to a bedroom, I still can't believe she lives in a library. In the bedroom I saw the sleeping form of Spike in a basket and a bed that I can only assume was Twilight's. There was another bed by the far wall that wasn't as well kept as the other two so assumed it was mine.

I lay down in it and found that I could bend my knees to make sure my entire body was on the bed and still remained relatively comfortable. I rested my head on the pillow "Goodnight Twilight." I said.

"Goodnight PJ, welcome to Equestria." she replied before leaving the room and I fell into a deep sleep.

Chapter Three - Princess of the Sun

I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming of home. This was a dream I had often even there, a dream that my family paid attention to me instead of arguing. A dream in which I felt loved.

It was a nice dream even if it could never come true. After all, I doubt even my family would love a kid with retinal dystrophy and the inability to do anything right. Do you want to know how pathetic I was? I once made fish cakes in school and then upon finishing realised I had forgotten to put the fucking fish in. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life and that's saying something. I just want to be normal.

The dream itself was simple, we were having a barbecue. The sun was shining and I was laughing with my brothers while mum and my brother's fiancée were calmly talking at the table. They were getting along just fine.

This was the image I associated with happiness and it was perfect in my eyes. A dream that could never come true is all the sweeter, no?

"Hey PJ. You need to wake up" my only younger brother said in a strangely feminine voice.

Suddenly they were all chanting it "Wake up! Wake up!

"...Wake up!" Twilight yelled as I slowly opened my eyes, letting out a long groan.

Twilight sat with an apologetic look on her face "Sorry to wake you so early but we need to hurry. I received a letter a little while ago from Princess Celestia, she said she'd be here at noon!"

I shot up and looked at the clock. 5:00am. Damn, she did wake me early.

Still though it was good to have a lot of time so I just went with it "Have you got showers here?" I asked.

"Yeah, turn right and take the second door to your left. You can't miss it."

"Thanks Twilight."

I left the room, turned right and sure enough on the second door to my left I found a bathroom. That shower was definitely a sight for sore eyes after I had that rather unexpected journey the day before. At least I could maintain some sense of normality.

I took a piss and left my glasses near the sink before getting into the shower where I washed myself thoroughly, not using any shampoo because I wasn't entirely sure most of this stuff was for men anyway. I dried myself off with a towel, put my clothes back on and gave my glasses a wipe with the cloth I always keep in my pocket before heading downstairs for breakfast.

Walking down the stairs I smelled something amazing. Something familiar. Something like...

"Pancakes!" I shouted excitedly. I fucking love pancakes.

Twilight let out a giggle at the table "Yep, Spike made 'em since I can't cook too well." She looked a little down after finishing.

"Don't feel bad about that Twilight," I comforted "I'm not that good either. Back home we have these things called fish cakes. I tried making them once but you know what I did? I forgot to put the fish in."

I'm pretty sure Twilight was trying to stifle a giggle but if she was then she was damn good at it. "Seriously?" she asked.

"Yeah, I fuck up like that a little too often to be honest." Now it was my turn to look down.

"Hey, is everything alright?" she asked in a concerned tone.

"I'm fine. It's just some shit from back home, I'll be okay."

"Well, okay I guess. Oh and just for the record you might want to hold off from swearing in front of the princess." she laughed a little. I laughed too.

"Yeah that would be pretty bad wouldn't it?" I said through my laughter.

"Definitely."

We ate the rest of our breakfast in silence, apparently Spike had gone back to sleep. Twilight was giving him the day off because of our meeting with the princess later and she wanted him to be well rested after yesterday. To be honest though, I think the little bastard's just being lazy. I like him.

At around 9:00am there was a knock at the door. Twilight instructed me to go upstairs and I did so, we didn't want to scare any of the locals after all. Once I'm safely out of sight I hear the door open and a set of hooves enter the building.

"PJ!" I hear Twilight calling up. It must have been one of the ponies I met the day before. I walked downstairs and saw Rarity stood in the library wearing saddle bags. "Rarity says that she has some new clothes for you."

"That I do Twilight. Now PJ, I have this" her horn glows blue and one of the bags is engulfed in a blue aura. I figured it was her using magic. Out of the bag floated a black t-shirt with a red trim running down the sleeves and around the neck and bottom of the shirt. There was also a pair of trousers which had a similar design, black with red stripes running down the sides. "and this!" out of the other bag floats a white shirt, a black bow tie(which are cool by the way), a black jacket and a black pair of trousers.

"Wow, Rarity." I said in awe "how did you get these done so quickly?"

"I have been doing it for years darling. I can make clothing in good time given that it's as simple as this."

"The suit'll be perfect for the meeting with the princess later. I can't thank you enough for this."

"Of course dear. Anything for a friend."

I froze up for a second, did she just say I was her friend? No one had ever called me that before, she was clearly just being nice. And it was working.

"Thank you." I said again "I won't have to walk around in these trashy things now." I gestured to what I was currently wearing.

"Well now I must take my leave. Good luck with the princess PJ! And goodbye to you too Twilight!" she said rather loudly, waving a hoof as she left. Me and Twilight waved back and she shut the door.

We stood there is silence for a little while, I was starting to wonder why the atmosphere suddenly went awkward. "Oh well," I said while holding up my new suit "I'll go and put this on while we wait for noon okay?" I started up the stairs without waiting for a reply and went into the bathroom to change.

Time went agonisingly slow but the time was almost upon us. It was 11:55am. Five minutes to go.

Needless to say I was shitting bricks. I had never met a princess before except for Twilight who I'm not intimidated by because she acts nothing like I'd expect one to act. This situation was getting scarier by the second and panicked thoughts began flowing through my head.

What if I do something wrong? What if she doesn't like me? What if they think I'm a monster? What if I get locked in dungeon somewhere? What if they have me killed? These thoughts continued to plague my mind.

12:00pm. The moment of truth had arrived.

A bright flash of light covered the library and I once again had to shield my eyes from it. I blinked a few times to get my eyes to adjust again and saw the tallest pony I've seen so far in the middle of the room. She was about my height, taller if you count the horn. She had a white coat similar in shade to Rarity's and had a mark on her flank of the sun, I looked over at Twilight and saw that she had one too of a big pink star surrounded by smaller stars. I wondered if all ponies had these.

The next thing I noticed about this tall pony was her mane it was multicoloured, containing: blue, green, purple etc. It was flowing in an invisible breeze and made her appear more god-like. She had wings and a horn just like Twilight. This must be Princess Celestia.

"Hello there Princess Twilight." she said calmly.

"Hello to you too Princess Celestia!" Twilight sounded much more excited, these two must be close.

"And hello to you too, 'PJ' was it?" Princess Celestia sounded almost motherly in the way she spoke. Not that I would know how a caring mother sounds.

I bowed down to my waist "Greetings Princess Celestia. Yes, PJ is my name."

"Rise, there is no need for such formalities in the current situation." I did as she said and rose from my bowing position. "Now, would you care to remind me of how you got here?"

"Forgive me princess but I was led to believe that Twilight told you this in her letter."

"That she did but I would like to hear it from your mouth to make sure the stories are consistent. I hope you will understand."

"Quite. Okay so, I was taking a walk around the local lake and thinking about stuff when this big light vortex thingy pops out of thin air. I didn't have time to avoid it so I ended up walking into it and landing here where Twilight and Spike found me." I began wondering how many times I would repeat this story over the next few weeks.

"I see," the princess was deep in thought "and what do you intend to do now that you are essentially stuck here?"

I thought for a moment "To be honest princess," I sighed loudly "I don't know. This is the first time I've really had to adjust to an entirely new environment. I have no idea what to do."

She smiled at me "Well I can tell from meeting you that you bear us no ill will so you shall be granted full citizenship rights and you may live in Equestria peacefully. Twilight, will you ensure he is introduced to the town?"

"Yes princess. I'm sure one of Pinkie Pie's parties will sort that problem out for us." Twilight smiled "And with your permission PJ I would like to study you and ask you questions about your world."

I returned the smile "I have no objections." I say.

"In the meantime I will attempt to find a way to send you back home," Princess Celestia sooths "I know you must miss your family and friends very much."

"Yeah..." I reply, a little half-heartedly "thank you Princess Celestia."

"It is no problem, now I must leave. I can spare little time from my schedule at the moment. I bid you both farewell."

There was another flash from her horn and Princess Celestia was gone. I couldn't deny that she was nice but in all honesty I didn't want to go home. All I had there was an arguing family and loneliness, but then again I didn't want to overstay my welcome. She was nice but she was still a princess and the last thing I wanted was to piss her off.

"So," I begin "when's the party?"

Chapter Four - Party Time

Two days. Two fucking days of being stuck in a library. Now, I like reading as much as the next guy, I had my own bookshelf back home and it was more cramped full of books than an intellectuals brain. So yeah, I like reading. What I don't like is being stuck inside for four fucking days, two of those just living in fear of a party.

The day of the party was here and I was shitting myself on a whole new level. I had gained the approval of a kind-hearted princess but the thing about me is that if you try to get me in a social environment I am pretty much fucked. What makes it worse is that this was my first and possibly only chance to make a good impression on everyone... er everypony in town.

I had trouble meeting new humans without either embarrassing myself or coming of as a complete asshole. The first one is bad because I'm always reminded of it afterwards, the second one is worse because people then proceed to say shit behind my back and it's fucking irritating. So yeah, I wasn't counting on this going too well.

"Are you alright?" I hear Twilight say from behind me.

"To be honest," I said, turning to face her "no. I don't get along very well with members of my own species, somehow I don't think I'm gonna do to well here."

Twilight simply gives me a reassuring smile. "I can understand not being that social of a pony but this has to be done if we have any chance of getting the town to like you. And besides, Pinkie would have done this eventually anyway."

I let out a small chuckle "And there lies my other worry, are you sure it's safe to be around Pinkie Pie? She seems a bit... enthusiastic."

The pegasus-unicorn (I seriously need to ask what they're called) in front of me giggled "Oh don't worry, that's just Pinkie. You'll get used to it." She went over to the stairs "Spike!" she called up "We're heading to the party now!"

We hear scrambling from upstairs "Wait up, I'm coming." The little purple dragon came running down the stairs. It looked to me like he'd fallen asleep while getting ready. Good on him, sleep's always good.

I opened the door and allowed the two of them out before walking out myself, I turned around because I had never seen what the library looked like and was obviously quite surprised. "Holy shit." I said, Spike and Twilight turned around and looked at me questioningly "It's a fucking tree?"

Twilight simply nodded slowly with a look that says 'well yeah, what did you think it was?' which made no sense to me. Although I had to admit that the irony of all of those books being inside a tree didn't escape me at all.

So I just shrugged and did what I'd been doing since I got here, I went with the flow.

We walked through Ponyville and I spotted a rather interesting building, it looked like some sort of fucked up giant merry-go-round so I could only assume that it was Rarity's place. The Carousel Boutique.

We reached pretty much the end of town and I shit you not the place we were outside of looked like it was made out of gingerbread. I was tempted to take a bite out of the wall just see if it was. I assumed this was Sugarcube Corner, as Twilight had informed me my party was being held at a place called that. I knew this because there was music coming from inside and I could see ponies dancing through the window.

Once again I got to the door and held it open for Twilight and Spike to enter, I got in and the reaction was much as I expected. The second I was within view of the ponies they stopped dancing and just stared at me, the music kept going though. This was the single most awkward moment of my life and that is fucking saying something.

I decided to break the ice. "Hi everypony," more silence "why did you guys start horsing around without me?" I heard a few laugh at the admittedly bad joke(which I'm surprised they even understood due to the initial reaction of Twilight to my use of the word horse) but most stayed silence. I swear if it weren't for the music I could have heard the crickets chirping.

Pinkie stepped in just at the right point to do her random thing "Okay everypony. Now that the guest of honour has arrived let's get dancing again. Ooh and the food, such delicious treats just waiting to meet your stomachs!" I swear I am going to figure out how her brain works at some point.

Everypony except for a few then proceeded to completely ignore me for the rest of the night. Twilight said they'd get used to me eventually and that it's kind of like what happened with Zecora(whoever the hell that is) and that it should resolve itself eventually. I took her word for it and just socialised with the ones that would speak to me. These included: Vinyl Scratch who was DJing for the party, a school teacher named Cheerilee, Applejack's family and a mint-green mare named Lyra Heartstrings who developed a rather unhealthy obsession with my hands.

It was about an hour into the party and I was glad to have made at least a few friends. I was feeling a little hungry so I looked around for the buffet table that was sure to be next to one of the walls. I found it on the far side of the room, just next to one of the windows and headed towards the end with all the cakes and stuff on it. I picked up a cupcake and started munching on it when I saw something grey shoot past me and crash into the table just by the muffins.

I saw that somepony was struggling to get out from under the remains of the table and thought it best to help out, I had to make a good impression on some of the ponies even if most of them are freaked out by me. I removed the biggest part of the table and reached my hand out for the mare to grab it. She gave me her hoof and I hauled her back onto her feet. Upon looking I saw that she was in fact a grey Pegasus with a blonde mane and some bubbles tattooed onto her flank(another thing I need to ask about). What really stuck out to me though was her eyes, they were crossed.

I automatically sympathised, I couldn't exactly say I knew exactly what it was like but my left eye was my worst and it had a habit of wondering whenever I wasn't doing anything. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said whilst trying her best to look me in the eye "it happens to me all the time. I'm Derpy by the way, Derpy Hooves."

"PJ." I told her. I was ecstatic that I had found another pony who wasn't freaked out by me.

"Cool. I don't mean to be rude but what are you exactly?"

"I'm a human and yes I am well aware that I look like a hairless monkey."

She laughed at my attempted joke "Never heard of 'em. So where are you from?"

"A town called Redditch, a country called England on a planet called Earth."

"Okay so..." she asked questions for about ten more minutes and then idly chatted for the rest of the party. Which, by the way, lasted three more hours. We got on like a house on fire.

I headed back to the library with Twilight who had a sleeping Spike on her back. I was tempted to ask why she didn't just fly but decided against it, she was probably as knackered as I was.

"How did you enjoy the party?" she asked sleepily.

"I'm gonna be honest," I said "it could have gone better. I met a few nice ponies but the majority were scared of me."

"That's too bad, but at least you made some friends right?"

"Yeah," my thought mainly drifted to Derpy, I didn't know why thought. "I met some great ponies and I think I have a new best friend."

"Great. I'm gonna assume you mean Derpy, I saw you two talking for the majority of the party."

"She was nice and I kind of understand what it's like to have your eyesight mess you up."

"Oh actually she sees okay. Her eyes have been like that since birth and she can't focus on just one thing but she sees quite well. The whole 'bumping into everything' thing is mostly just due to casual clumsiness."

"Ah, that explains how she seemed to see me just fine then."

We got back to the library, went upstairs and after putting Spike to bed both fell asleep as soon as our heads touched the pillows of our respective beds.

Chapter Five - Helping in the Library

Once again I awoke in the library and once again I was all alone as I did so. This was weird, back home I was pretty much always the first one in the house to wake up. It was a strange thing but I would always wake up at roughly the same time every morning regardless of what time I actually went to sleep. Maybe it was the change of scenery. Oh well, I'll get used to it eventually.

I got up, went to the bathroom and had my shower. While I was washing I had time to think about stuff. Mostly about how I was going to get by here without just mooching off of Twilight all the time. My second oldest brother was always mooching off of his friends and often enough members of our family. Oddly enough he never had any money to get himself a house but he could still afford shit loads of cannabis. I don't want to end up like that fucking mess.

I would have to get some sort of job, that was for sure. But what? I wasn't exactly Mr. Skillful and I certainly wasn't going to offer myself as the first human prostitute in Equestria. So what then? I decided to ask Twilight.

I re-dressed and made my way downstairs to see what can only be described as a nuclear explosion of books all over the library. "What the hell happened in here?" I asked.

Twilight poked her head around the corner that lead to the kitchen "Good morning. We're just sorting the library." she said with a 'squee'.

"If this is sorting it then I'd hate to see messing it up."

This comment earned me a glare "We're not leaving it like that you know? We'll put them back on the shelves after breakfast."

Now I was just confused "Why not just leave them as they are? With your organisation skills it shouldn't be that hard for you to find where they need to go."

"That's what I keep saying," Spike joined Twilight outside the kitchen "but she still never listens."

"Well since you're up do you want breakfast?" Twilight asked.

"Just an apple will be fine thanks." I replied. I need to cut down on food since I'm pretty sure being stuck in a place like this will end with me having to run away from something eventually so I want to be prepared. And no, I'm not fucking paranoid.

Her horn glowed purple and out floated an apple surrounded with the same purple aura. I'm never going to understand how most of this shit works. My Weird-Shit-O-Meter is over nine thousand right now.

I took a bite of the apple. "Hey Twilight," I said before swallowing the final remains of the bite "I've been thinking. Since I'm gonna be here for a while then maybe I should get a job. Y'know, help contribute to the household and stuff."

Twilight smiled at me "I think that's a great idea. What's your Cutie Mark?"

Shit. I honestly can't believe this subject never came up in any conversation before now, I'm going to be spending the next few hours answering questions about how humans manage without Cutie Marks. "Well..." I hesitantly began "humans don't get Cutie Marks."

Her jaw dropped about two feet upon hearing this. "W-what, but how do you know what your special talent is?"

"Humans normally just find out on their own but to be honest some never find it. Like me. I haven't found anything I'm good at."

Twilight hummed "Well there must be something you can do. I'll tell you what, I'll try and find you a job and hopefully you'll find something that you're good at while you're here." She *sqeed*. How do they fucking do that?

"That actually sounds like a good plan," I thought for a moment "but what do I do in the meantime? I don't want to just sit around doing nothing while you go to all this trouble for a complete stranger."

Once again Twilight found herself humming "You could help us keep things straight in the library. Spike would never admit it but I'm pretty sure all this work is too much for the little guy. He is only a baby dragon after all."

"Hey," Spike said from beside us, I completely forget he was here "I resent that."

Me and Twilight both giggled at that (yeah I giggle, so fucking what!!!) and I finished eating my apple and threw the core in the bin. "Right then," I said eagerly "where do we begin?"

I had been helping to re-shelf the books for around four hours at this stage and I was starting to get tired. We would have idle conversations every now and again but nothing really big enough to distract from the boring task. Well at least me and Spike found it boring, Twilight was in heaven.

This dull activity went on for a while longer until a book caught my eye. It can't be. It fucking can't be. The book that I held in my hands had a title so similar to one of my favourite books back home that it could in no way be a coincidence. Brave Boulder: Casino Royale. A fucking pony James Bond!

I stared in awe at the book until Twilight came trotting up next to me "Do you like the look of this one?" she asked.

I nodded "The title is way too similar to a book from Earth to be a coincidence. Tell me, does this book involve and undercover agent attempting to bankrupt and enemy spy at a casino?"

Twilight's eyes went wide "How could you know the plot of the book without even reading the back?"

"There was a book back home. First in the James Bond series, it was also called Casino Royale."

"That is amazing. It appears that our two worlds mirror each other in some ways. Oh, this is absolutely fascinating." She appeared to calm down while Spike just rolled his eyes and kept cleaning. "So, what books do you like to read?"

I smiled now, I was in my zone. "I mostly read horror like Stephen King; he's an author by the way. I also read adventure books on occasion and the James Bond series is one of my personal favourites." We conversed about books for a while more before hitting the sack. I know it was early but quite frankly, we were fucking tired.