Your Resident Insane Doctor

by The_Machinist

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Human, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 8630

Nein! Who would have thought that the staff was capable of inter-dimensional travel?! I digress... I did not trust these ponies, nor will I ever, not after Celestia's... Reaction...

All I ever wanted to do was go to Comic-Con. So I did, dressed as Edward Richtofen.

Guess what? It went great! SPITE THE FACT THAT I AM NOW IN COLORFUL HORSEY LAND. I digress! It is quite wonderful here APART FROM THAT POMPOUS TYRANNICAL BITCH.

*dances in a corner*

Published 2014-04-16 02:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-14 03:59:15 UTC

Where is my staff?

Author's Note

Tally ho! Sorry good sirs, but all my stories were DELETED BY A BITCH. Anyways, when I find him I will kill him, and if you, the admin, are reading this. Could you perhaps restore my stories if possible?

Where is my staff?

“What kind of statue is that supposed to be, Spleunk?”

Are you joking with me god? You decided to send another bloody adventuring couple into this cave? How many have been in here anyway? A lot has happened in… one thousand years I’d say.

The greyish unicorn named Spleunk walked up to the place where I stood, a frozen maniacal smile on my lips. Jeez, I should’ve at least made a better stance and facial expression before getting turned to stone by some rainbows.

“I dunno Drip.” He scratched his head. “I’ve never seen something like this, but it looks like whatever is in his weird claw is valuable!” The pony stared at the shiny red metallic object in my hand.

Nein! He can’t be talking about my precious baby… This little thing has gotten me through hell and back in this land. Also, who knew that intelligent talking ponies existed? It really slipped my mind! Ha ha ha! Silly me… I laugh at my own joke…

I refocused on the unicorn trying to wrench my baby out of my grip, but to no avail he could not pry my cold, stone, dead fingers off of the object. The pony grumbled and made his way off out of the chamber I resided. The blue pegasus with a pith helmet on stopped him and pointed to the base of my current residence.

“You idiot! Didn’t you read the darn plate!”

“Must have slipped my mind…” He grumbled and squinted at my plate. He started to read aloud. “Insanity… That’s his name? Insanity? Really?”

“There is more you dolt!”

The stallion grumbled louder and leaned closer to the golden nameplate. “Insanity, summoner of the dead. Well then! Let’s get outta here!”

"Now wait a minute Spleunk... How bout you and me spend some quality time while we are alone for once?"

Oh gods. Don't think impure thoughts... Don't think impure- MEIN GOTT. I did it again.

"Nah! Let's get outta here!" Spleunk scurried off, and the female pony rolled her eyes and followed suit.

Do dee do dee do… What to do in this won-der-ful chamber of mine!

“I know what you can do!”

I focused on the source of the voice, a tall freak of nature that was dubbed Discord.

Oh mein gott! Tis’ you old friend! Are you ready to bask in chaos once more? Or are you here to laugh at my imprisoned self?

The abomination chuckled to himself before turning back to face me. “Sorry, but no. I am currently on the run and I only got free to break out all of my old friends from different universes, and that includes you!” Discord snapped his fingers together and a small crack appeared on my test. He suddenly had on a sailor captain’s hat and saluted. “Tally ho old chap! I’m off to free my friend Dullahan!”

I focused on the crack on my chest and sighed.

Gott nun mal Discord...

(1,024 Years Ago)

Riding in a sports car has its quirks, I’ll give you guys that one. Especially when your over the top friend is driving and you are in the passenger seat. Another friend of ours, Fred, was sitting in the back seat singing the lyrics to “Archangel” by Elena Siegman, while our current driver, Steve, was blowing through traffic like a mad man just trying to get a “really good fucking spot” at comic-con in Arizona. Another friend of ours, Tom, was currently petting a German Shepard, who was ironically named Fluffy, that happened to be dressed as a hellhound.

Yes that is right. A hellhound from Call of Duty zombies. The four of us were dressed as the iconic original crew from the first and second zombies games. Me being Doctor Richtofen; Steve was dressed as Tank; Fred was dressed as Nikolai; while Tom was dressed as Takeo. I had a basalt rock that was spray painted orange in places clipped to my SS uniform and a very intricate replica of the Ray Gun.

“Hey Eddie! What’re you doin over there lookin’ so plummed out man?” Steve had a scottish accent to contradict his costume.
“Well wearing an SS uniform is pretty fucking hot Steve. Also, my name isn’t Eddie!” I took a swig of a water bottle that happened to be on the dashboard, sighing in pleasure at the cool feeling running down my throat.

(Present Day)

It took a few weeks, but the stone around me finally shattered into oblivion. I wasn’t prepared for this, so I fell to the ground gasping. “Yes! More air for the Doctor!” I sputtered and used a nearby shattered piece of leg to hoist myself up, taking care to holster the Ray Gun first.

I looked around my surroundings and noticed how much it has changed. “Mein Gott! This place is onits last legs!” I took a few minutes to examine the ruined castle. “I am finished with this area! Onward to victory mein friends!” I help the stone shard in the air.

“Where’s the staff?”

I looked around my surroundings in confusion, and finally anger. “WHERE IS MEIN STAFF!” I then fired a single shot into the dark chamber. Causing not so good sounds to be heard from miles away. “Oh shit.”

(Canterlot Castle)

The defeat of Discord was being celebrated all over the castle as Twilight and her friends put the statue back into place from where it once stood. Celestia was beaming with pride at her student for accomplishing so much in so little time, but then she felt a shiver of fear as she heard an all too familiar yell, albeit in the distance.

Twilight noticed this as well and turned to her former teacher. “Did you just hear somepony, Princess?”

Celestia nodded her head and tuned in to the direction from whence the yell came. Twilight and Celestia, as well as many other ponies in the area jumped in surprise as they heard a much clearer yell ring out from the direction of the Everfree Forest. “Where is mein staff!”

Celestia immediately turned towards her former student to tell her to check out the incident, but her and her friends were already running off to the train station. Celestia shivered in fear as she realized that her former enemy was back. Perhaps the most dangerous thing to ever exist in Equestria. “Insanity.” She muttered under her breath.

(1,024 Years Ago)

Fred was off somewhere with Tom doing his own thing, and Steve was trying to hit on a girl standing next to us. I face palmed and walked over to a booth that bore the name ‘Props R US’ I chuckled at the name.

The old man behind the booth smiled a creepy smile and greeted me with a salute. “Greetings Doctor.”

I did a half salute back and looked at the merch available. I stared with a gaping mouth at the staff before me. It was a perfect replica of what appeared to be the Ice Staff, but it was something much more. It appeared to be a combination of all four of the Elemental Staffs from the Origins map. As well as an unfamiliar looking necklace that came with the staff. The price tag read ‘90$’.
So I bought the two items and strode happily into the surrounding crowd with a beaming smile on my face, completely unaware of the necklace/amulet getting warmer the longer I had it on.

I was stopped by a young man with a rainbow wig and a pair of fake cyan wings on his back. “Woah man, nice Alicorn Amulet! I didn’t think that you would be a brony when I first saw you!”

I looked at him and scoffed. “A brony? What’s that supposed to be?”

He looked at me with a confused look. “But that amulet is the Alicorn Amulet, bro. How could you not be a brony!?”

I felt myself getting a little annoyed with this guy’s antics, and the anger in my voice started to rise. I slightly noticed the Amulet Glowing. I pounded the staff onto the ground and stared at him furiously. “I’m not a god damn brony you insolent fool!”

“Don’t deny it man! You have to be!” He grabbed the staff to keep me from hitting his foot.

I want to stomp his foot with this staff so much…

“You… Insolent… IDIOTIC… FUCKING… FOOL!” I ripped the staff out of his grip and pounded it harder into the ground. Cracks spread all around the ground, and the ground seemed to collapse from under me, sending me god knows where…

I found your staff!

I was running like a little bitch towards the exit of the chamber. Of course I HAD to shoot the ceiling, but I was angry. What else am I supposed to do while angry? Actually calm down and let the anger dissipate? Nope! With Edward Richtofen, violence i0s always the answer to your problems, but I never wanted any trouble with these ponies before they put me in stone. All I did was accidentally raise some dead Royal Guards in a cemetery.

I slapped myself and did a dive roll, narrowly avoiding a falling stalactite. “Mein gott! For my sake I don’t think I want pointy things entering my arse right now!” As I ran out the entrance… Wait a minute… “That didn’t sound right at all.” Anyways, I ran out the entrance and into the main chamber.

“The Castle of The Royal Pony Sisters!” I laughed heartily and brushed the dust off my uniform. “Not anymore!” Along the way of me walking out of the exit, I was blowing everything up around me. Whether it be statues or that weird stone ball that contained my staff!

“... Well Scheiße…” I walked towards the partially exploded stone ball while clapping my hands. “Well done Celestia and Moon-butt! Well done indeed!” My face contorted to one of rage. “OF COURSE IF YOU HAD NOT HAVE TRAPPED ME I WOULDN’T BE SO FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!” MY face turned back to a beaming smile. “At least I found my staff!”
‘At least it’s a better spot than say… In my hands… Or in some sort of archives… If I hadn’t of blown it up by accident I wouldn’t have found it.’ I thought as a gripped the top of the staff. “YOU WILL ALL KNOW ME ONCE MORE!” I laughed maniacally as I yanked the staff out, thus beginning my reign over the Everfree once more. Or maybe not...

(1,024 Years Ago)

“Who, what, and where am I?” I groaned as I sat up, shaking away the dark spots that permeated my vision. I had landed on some kind of… Thing that used to be a cart, I think. Of course my back hurts after a fall like that. At least I think I fell…
I looked to my right to see a small horse staring at me, perhaps a foal? “Oi!” The foal yelped and hid behind a rock. “What’re you staring at?” I chuckled as the foal didn’t answer. I used my staff to heft myself up. “Und wait a minute here. My voice sounds different.” I patted my face and felt a decent sized mustache. “Oi! How the fuck did that appear there! I don’t recall having a mustache, but I’ve always wanted one so... YES!”

I pointed the staff in the air to celebrate, but what happened shocked me… Literally. Lightning jumped from the staff and into a lone cloud above. The cloud responded in turn by sending a bolt of lightning down to me, causing me to experience a small jolt.
The foal jumped once again at my outburst, but he stayed where he was.

“SON OF A BITCH! I GET THAT FOR CELEBRATING MY MUSTACHE! WELL FUCK YOU TOO CLOUD!” The cloud shocked me again in response. To which I shook my gloved fist at it.

“Is that a gem on your belt?” I whipped around to the source of the voice, which happened to be the foal, who was now curiously inspecting me.

I looked down to what he was looking at. He was looking at my spray…painted…rock… that is now filled with pock marked holes and is glowing orange on the inside. “Wunderbar…” I muttered aimlessly. I smiled deviously as I thought of an idea. “Say kid… Do you know anybody that is deceased?”

The foals eyes flashed with sadness before nodding and pointing over to a cemetery that I had not noticed.

“Well then. This is element 115. It is used to power several different weapons and can even raise the dead!” I pulled out my replica Ray Gun… “This is a replica of the all too famous Ray Gun. Of course, it can’t really fire, but if it did you would pull this tri OH HOLY SHIT!” I screamed like a girl as a green orb trailed by green gas flew out of the tip of the barrel, hitting a tree and making it explode.

“That was cool!” The foal shouted and smiled with glee. “Are you secretly a unicorn?”

I smiled and shook my head. “Wanna see more explosions, kid?”

(Twilight’s POV Present Day)

“Alright girls, we should be careful around here. You never know what might jump out at you.” I reassured the five of my friends that things would be fine. Not without interruption of course.

“Don’t worry Twi! If anything gets in our way I’ll have ‘em running in…” Oh please Celestia no. “Ten. Seconds. Flat!”

I facehooved. “Let’s just go girls.” Of course something had to interrupt us entering the Everfree again. It also had a Germane accent.

“You will all know me once more!” The voice resounded deep into the Everfree, more specifically the old castle.

“Oh no girls… We have to move now!” The five of them nodded in confirmation, and then we charged into the Everfree forest.

(Celestia’s POV 1,024 years ago)

I was meditating with my eyes closed while sitting on my throne in peace while Luna was dealing with a petty feud between families.

Naturally, this was the perfect time for my guards to barge in…

The doors flew open and the Captain of the Royal Guard, Storm Hoof, galloped towards me. I opened one eye as he stood before me, panting.

“What is it Storm Hoof?”

“Your… Highness… There have been… Reports of explosions along the edges of the Everfree. They say that something is firing green bolts of magic at the trees, making them explode. What should we do?” Storm Hoof finished with a pleading look on his face, as his guards hadn’t had any action for years.

“Amass the guards Storm Hoof. Go apprehend the offender.”

(Richtofen’s POV 1,024 years ago)
I had grabbed the foal and was now running away from the spot where we stood. A tree had flown into the air and crashed at that very same spot from where we once stood.

“Well shit! Wasn’t that close mein friend?”

The foal nodded his head quickly, still terrified from almost getting crushed.

“Perhaps you should go home. It is getting a tad bit late.” I chuckled as I set down the foal.

“Um… I don’t have parents. I’m an orphan…” He hung his head and sighed. “But I should go back, I don’t want nanny mad at me. She gets pretty mean.”

The foal was an orphan? Well that was a shame. I wonder what I should do to alleviate him of that burden. Perhaps just take him in on my adventures that I may or may or may not go on.

“Hey kid. I could ta-“

“HALT! IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA!” A voice sounded from behind me.

“Fuck! Hang on tight kid!” I grabbed the foal and unsheathed the staff. “I hope you can get me out of tis mess you piece of shit!” I pounded the staff on the ground and all was black.

(Richtofen’s POV Present Day)

I laughed like a mad man as I raised the staff above my head. Nothing beats laughing after you’ve acquired something you want! Other than acquiring a girlfriend… Meow. My laughing was interrupted when six little multicolored ponies wearing jewelry stormed into the room.

“Stop what you are doing mister!” The rainbow maned one called out.

“Yeah! We ain’t wantin’ to tussle with ya!” Cowmare? How odd.

“Nein! Bugger off will you? Unless you’d like to see my glowing green balls?” I smiled creepily.

“Stop right there Insanity!” A tall white alicorn called out from behind the girls. “Come with us without any problems, and you will be fine.”

“I’d like to think that I did nothing wrong thank you very much!” I readied the staff.

“You brought back an entire battalion of Bat Ponies from the Royal Guard back to life, and you made them attack Canterlot!” Celestia was furious… I could tell.

“And aren’t there a lot more cadavers below us right now in the caverns?” I clicked my tongue and smiled. “I suggest you back off.”
“If we have to take you down then we will!”

“Rainbow, don’t!” The purple pony called out to Rainbow, who was flying straight at me.

“How fun! I love a good game of BAT THE PONY!” Right when she was about the hit me, I swung the staff and knocked her off course. The strike sent her off course, causing her to fly straight into a pillar. She laid there moaning about me being stupid, to which I chuckled at. “How cute… You tried to attack me.”

I unclipped the rock from my belt and placed it in the staff’s top hold. The staff turned a fiery orange. “My turn.” I grinned maliciously as I slammed the staff into the ground, causing a shockwave to ripple towards the ponies, making them fall on their flanks.

Not everything can be done without consequences though, as moon butt was now here with an entire battalion of royal guard. I smiled and raised my hands into the air in a false surrender. “You win.” My eyes shot open and my grin became toothy when I heard the oh so familiar moans below us.

“Not for long…”

Author's Note

Yis

I ran out of chapter names

(Richtofen’s POV 1,024 years ago)
“OOOOOHHHHH SHIIIIITBRIIIIIICKSS! OW MY FUCKING KNEES!” I landed hard on my knees on some kind of wood, I fucking hate wood now. My staff was in on hand and the colt was holding onto my other arm and the colt appeared to be safe, but mostly traumatized.

“That was so cool! Can we do it again? What’s your name?”

I was tasked with answering a barrage of questions from the colt now, but I decided to let him wait for that. “My name is Jerrrrrichtofen! Doctor Edward Richtofen, but you can just call me Richtofen if you’d like.” I chuckled nervously. If I was the good ol’ doctor then I might as well adopt his name. I suppose I was public enemy no.1 of the horses at the moment.

“Oh cool, you’re a doctor! My name is Sapphire Star!” The colt sent a beaming smile my way. I responded with a grin of my own.
I shook my head and looked around at our surroundings, but before we had to go anywhere I had to put this rambunctious blue colt on the ground. After setting the colt on the ground and picking myself up, we had found out that we had landed in a settlement called Ridgeville. Courtesy of the sign outside of the town of course.

“What are you a doctor of?” The colt was asking question after question as we walked further into town.

“Well… I have a doctorate in psychology and a doctorate in engineering, but I was a Major General for the Wehrmacht and I was the co-leading scientist for Group 935 which specialized in working with Element 115 which!” I gasped. I had no idea where this information was coming from, but I’m not going to stop soon. I pulled out her ay gun and showed it to the foal, who was watching with wide eyes. “Powers MY BABY!” I yelled that out like a fucking lunatic.

Maybe I was.

(Richtofen’s POV Present Day)

I waited for my creations to come up out of the ground. I heard the moans, but none were digging themselves up. Finally after ten minutes of waiting and mouth gaping, a bloody hoof popped out of the ground, followed by another hoof. This former Lunar Guardspony was now a zombie, courtesy of element 115. I had perfected the zombification process so that they would not attack unless I said so.

The rest of him popped out of the ground. He looked like a bloody, zombified bat pony wearing rusty, purple, steel armor. The gem at the center of his chestplate was now glowing a fiery red and his eyes a sickening yellow. This zombie was followed by three more, leaving four zombified lunar guards at my disposal.

I turned back to the ponies. Many of them were throwing up, but the rest were gaping in shock. Celestia had a look of horror on her face while the six mares who tried to stop me were looking brain dead at the whole situation. Even Miss Hyper, whose hair seemed to have gone straight.

“Now then. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.” I smiled at Celestia and started walking towards her. Celestia backed away as I advanced. I stopped in my tracks and frowned. “Who would have thought that sun-butt here would be afraid of me? Surely none of you would have thought that?” I paused to look around at the guards and ponies. Apparently one guard decided that he was brave enough to try and attack me. I saw the incoming spear at the last second and side-stepped it.

The spear flew directly into the eye of one of the zombified guards with a sickening ‘SPLUT’. The spear slid out, along with the glowing eye. I just laughed at the whole situation.

“I never wanted trouble, Celly. I only wanted peace while I stayed here in Equestria, but it appears that I am now in a great deal of trouble. Reanimating an army of the undead all those years ago was an accident, but what followed wasn’t. It was merely a study of my field. I am a doctor, right?” I winked at her.

“Alas, I must move on. Take care Celest-OOF!” I flew forwards as something hit my back, landing on the ground just in front of Celestia, whom looked down upon me while smiling.

She looked back up to the pony that had tackled me. I muttered curses under my breath. Nothing had gone the way I wanted it to go. “NEIN! I WILL LIVE!” I quickly took hold of my staff and switched it to wind. I then pounded it on the ground; this whisked me away to where I wanted to go, leaving my enemies and four unconventional allies behind.

(Celestia’s POV 1,024 years ago)
The throne room doors burst open once more as Storm Hoof rushed in, this time with a disgruntled look on his face.

“Report Storm Hoof, have you apprehended the vandalist?” It’s obvious that he didn’t. Not that it was important.

“No your majesty. We do know more about him though.” He had a hopeful look on his face. I motioned for him to continue. “He isn’t a pony, but he appears to be a strange hairless monkey wearing what looks to be a military uniform. If the decorations on his jacket are any sign at least, it appears that he is a General. It looks like he kidnapped a blue colt, which we identified as Sapphire Star, who ran away from the Canterlot orphanage, and he had some sort of red weapon that was shooting green balls of energy.”
His face contorted into one of worry. “He managed to escpae with some kind of staff. They just turned to mist and whisked off, into the clouds.”

I sighed and facehooved. This job was stressful as Tartarus. “Thank you dear subject... You are dismissed back to your duties.”

Storm Hoof bowed and made his way out of the throne room.

“Tia. Dost thou believe this creature to be a threat?” Luna looked to me with worry in her eyes.

“He might be a General where he comes from, but nothing foalnaps my little ponies." Her eyes danced with fire."NOTHING.”

(Richtofen’s POV 1,024 years ago)

“I wish I was as cool as you Doctor Richtofen. I wish I had met anypony that was as cool as you, but I have never seen anything like you so I’m not sure if your kind are like this.” Sapphire Star hugged my leg while I was leaning back on a bench.
Truth be told, I liked the little guy. He was just the most awesome thing. If I could ever have a kid, it would be just like this foal. I already kinda did take responsibility for this foal when I let him join the ride with the staff, but I didn’t mind him one bit. I still did miss my friends and family back home. I wonder what became of Steve…

(Steve’s POV)

“Why is a horse the queen of the land of ponies! Why! How did I end up here! Where is Frank?! Where is Eddie?! Where is everybody!?” Steve looked around at his green surroundings. “Where is everybody?!”

“You’re fucking high, you dipshit!” Steves head was smacked. He opened his eyes, he was laying on a couch with a bong on his lap.

“Oh yeah… Right…”

(Richtofen’s POV 1,024 years ago)

Oh well. I guess we’ll never know what happened to good ol’ Steve, but at least I have this foal here to keep me company for the rest of my days, but I have no home here. I scratched my chin in thought. “Perhaps I should build a laboratory. Or house. Or mansion. Or bunker. Why not all four?!” I laughed to myself.

“What’re you gonna do mister Richtofen?”

“Nothing my good friend, we’re just going to build a home for the two of us. It’s a good thing that I was taking woodshop.” I chuckled to myself again. “Then again, I’m sure I can do wonders with all the knowledge of engineering in this COMPLETELY INSANE head of mine!”

The foal stared at me with worry. “I’ll just say that I am a tad bit crazy or something... It really wouldn’t surprise me if I was. I have seen some crazy stuff, stuff that you shouldn’t be exposed to mister foal.”

“Hey! I’m a big colt, I can handle whatever you throw at me!” Oh really, you blue ball of pony?

“Porn. More specifically, bondage. Also, dry wank master race.”

“What’s that?”

After several minutes of screaming and crying I managed to describe bondage in great detail to a foal. “Congratulations!”

“Why do you look at that stuff?!” The foal was sniffling.

I shrugged. “It’s pretty hot.”

Author's Note

DRY WANK MASTER RACE.

Death

Author's Note

I stopped writing for a bit to regain my thoughts. I was half finished with this chapter, and i just finished the last half within the past hour. You may notice that my writing just jumped up in quality, but went into the dark pits of emotion... I started listening to Comfortably Numb by pink floyd. Here. Have some fun and listen to this while reading this chapter.

Death

(Richtofen’s POV Present Day)

So I guess I had picked the right spot to land in. I only think that because I had apparently landed smack dab in the middle of a concrete floor. I held in painful screams as my knees came into contact with the concrete, only to shout in anger when the staff hit the side of my head. So I was knocked onto my side looking around the darkened area, I knew where I was, it was just a matter of knowing whether anything got loose, and whether or not it rotted enough to not do any harm.

I stood up, using my staff as an extra leg of support, and looked around at the black abyss. I spotted a heavily rusted metallic box on the wall next to me. Lucky me to land next to the breaker box, eh? As this was the land of ponies where logic was flawed to hell, I decided to shoot a bolt of lightning at it. What do you know? All the lights flickered on and the tesla coils buzzed in excitement as their master had returned. Yet the poor little Jacob’s Ladder sat so lonely in the corner. I almost felt bad for its uselessness.

Nothing seemed out of place in the main area of my humble abode. Well, apart from the rested pieces of metal hanging everywhichway and arcs of electricity coming from uncovered wires. Oh yeah, and there was a fork stuck in the wall for some reason. That didn’t bother me in the slightest; I usually liked my forks stuck in walls.

I walked out of the main laboratory and into the animation testing room, where red lights dangled from the concrete ceiling. No, this was not a room for watching animations, this was a room for animating dead things, and by dead things I meant dead ponies. Unfortunately for me, the tubes that lined the sides of the room were full of rotted mush. Apart from one such tube…

(Richtofen’s POV 1,000 Years Ago)

Sitting in a bunker trying to avoid ponies is possibly the best option for me at this point, so what if I caused Celestia’s sister to turn into Nightmare Moon? So what if I slapped her on the ass, because it was damn fine. I’m pretty glad I installed titanium vault doors like the ones from the fallout series. They helped a megaton! You don’t get the joke? Fuck you. Anyways, Sun-Butt and her army of sun-drones were currently trying to melt their way through ten vault doors. I probably should stand up and do something other than [Content Deleted. Reason: too sexual. Inputting fluffy kittens.] I probably should stand up and do something other than pet my kitten.

I stood up and made my way to Sapphire’s room, who has been living with me for the past 24 years. He was now a ripe age of 31. He appeared to stop aging after he turned seventeen though. It had something to do with element 115 and shampoo.

God damnit, why did it have to be shampoo. Shampoo can kiss my ass, although it already gets in between the crack, boy does it feel goo- “Hey Doc, how’s it going? Sun-Butt get in yet?” Oh boy, what a hoot you are Sapphire.

“Yes. She will be here VERY shortly my friend. I would suggest for you to get in the pod, lest you want to be in a dungeon of sorts for many years.” The poor stallion’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, implying that pony eyes weren’t already the size of plates. “I’m sure that you wouldn’t want that to happen, hmm?”

“No, not at all doc. Um, so I just go into that one tube that you showed me?” The stallion glanced nervously around the room.
“Yes, that tube that I showed you. It will preserve you for an indefinite amount of time and will remain on backup energy for thousands of years. You can thank the uranium deposit below our humble abode for that.” I clicked my tongue and placed both arms behind my back. “Go forth my friend; You don’t want queen sun-butt to find us, do you?”

Sapphire shook his head and walked out of the room at a brisk pace. I smirked at him as he walked out; I then tipped my hat and made my way to a lone wooden cabinet in the corner of the stallion’s room. Rule 1, always be prepared for any situation. Even if it is a colorful talking horse that can use magic. What better way to prepare for an alien creature attacking your home than to have a gun? If that doesn’t work, use more gun. Any problem can be solved with a gun, not a chainsaw.

In the closet lied my favorite weapon, the ray gun. A generic name really… Perhaps I should rename it to something more amazing… No time for that with Celestia on my hat. I jogged out of the room and into the laboratory, just in time to see Sapphire blink one last time before he became frozen.

(Richtofen’s POV Present Day)

I slumped to the ground next to the tube bawling my eyes out. It wasn’t possible. All that was left was bones and rotted mush inside Sapphire’s tube. Of all the people I actually loved it had to be him. He was like a son to me, and this is what I got. All thanks to Celestia not understanding and listening as to how and why I got here. The tyrannical bitch is going to die for what she did to Sapphire. She is going to feel every single prick of the scalpel as I slice through her hooves.

I could forgive Luna. She was young and naïve at the time, but Celestia went way out of line when she sent them to attack me. It had to be Sapphire. Why did he even come along? This wouldn’t have happened if he came along. I pounded on the glass tube with my fists in a mix of anger and sadness, but that would do nothing. Action had to be taken, and I had to be the one to initiate that action. No more playing parlor tricks and silly games. Richtofen and his friend, Mister Gun, are going to take this bitch down.
I felt like Pink in the music video, Comfortably Numb; Depressed and oblivious to the world around me while staring at the red lighted wall in front of me. What else could I do? I didn’t feel like crying, no, I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs, but I do not know what lurks down here. Something could be waiting to eat me, or perhaps a pony had taken up residence here. Perhaps somepony had found the entrance to my little bunker. I did build this under a settlement called Manehattan.

I feel too broken to laugh at my own jokes right now. Reminds me of how I was when I was younger, a borderline schiziophrenic loser with no friends to back me up. Never got much human interaction till I met my buddies, but even then, I did not know how to act around my fellow species. I never knew how to love my first girlfriend, or that mare I met while I was taking a walk. When I think about it… Pink and I do have a lot in common.

There is no time right now to be morose. Only time to fuck up a bitch with a tramp stamp in the shape of a sun on her ass.

Reanimation

I do not know how long I sat beside his chamber. I do not know how much I pleaded for all this to not be real. After all, did Celestia not dub me the living embodiment of insanity? Perhaps I was seeing things for what they really were, or perhaps I was seeing something that wasn’t real at all. Perhaps I was twitching with a stroke in a hospital bed in whatever town I lived in, a town that I no longer remember, full of family and people I do not remember. The human mind eventually degrades, and after living well over a thousand years and having a thousand years of memories stuck up in your head… You can be eaten away mentally and emotionally… This just takes the cake for what has been done to my sanity.

Without my dear and only friend, I would have nobody. I do not like being alone in a land where everypony is out to get you. So perhaps it is time I sent a message to others in my predicament. I pulled myself up with the help of my staff and slowly walked over to the flickering and obviously malfunctioning teleporter. I need somebody who could help me get through all of this, and perhaps I could help someone else. Luckily, I made a few devices for this particular purpose before I was encased in stone, before I began my eternal imprisonment, before I truly hated that bitch.

I pressed a button on the teleporter, and a tray slid out from the side. The tray contained a few notes with my current coordinates. I had them folded into sealed envelopes with a wax seal that depicted Group 935’s signature fist and atom. I sighed and tossed them all into the teleportation chamber. I walked around to the other side of the teleporter and pressed the big red button that had the word “Activate” on it, because I was a cliché villain back then.

With a flash of light, all my good intentions were gone. As if I ever had any good intentions in the first place that is. I’m lucky that I knew how a gun works; otherwise I would be nearly powerless. I needed something else other than my trusty Ray Gun of course. It only had so much ammo, and I only had so much Element 115, but I could only hope that I had raised hell itself with that zombie pony back there. I could only hope that it bought me enough time for me to get my bearings, but it didn’t give me enough time to save my only friend.
All of the letters were gone, sent to different dimensions and time, and I could only hope that someone somewhere had received a letter…

MEANWHILE… AT THE SCP FOUNDATION…

“What the fuck do you mean 682 is dead?! He got killed by what?! HE CHOKED ON A FUCKING LETTER?! How in bloody hell did that letter get in there?! What do you mean you don’t know?! Did you read it? Okay, who wrote the letter? Doctor Edward Richtofen? You mean that one fictional character from that stupid video game? Fuck, well call Doctor Bright and let him know of the situation…”

Doctor Clef slammed the phone down onto the desk. After all these centuries, some fictional video game character had killed SCP-682. With a letter no less. They had tried to launch SCP-682 into the sun multiple times and it choked on a letter and died. Clef was frustrated at this turn of events, but his bad time was interrupted by his best friend, Doctor Bright, who just got on the intercom.

“There will be a mandatory Foundation party in the cafeteria. Doctor Gerald is NOT allowed any roller skates for this event, and Kondraki is not invited. Peace out!”

Doctor Clef facepalmed and turned back to his desk. He began filing the last document that would ever mention SCP-682, its termination report. The O-5’s would love to hear about this, maybe they’ll want us to shove a letter down something else’s throat too. Perhaps one Doctor Bright…

BACK TO POOR OL’ EDDIE

Yes, I could only hope that they had been enlightened of my current situation. I had no time to be dawdling around playing a monologue in his head. I started over to my personal quarters, but the hallway leading to it had fallen into such a state of disrepair that my room was inaccessible! Seriously, how much concrete did I put in that ceiling? It would require many months of digging out concrete and rebar to get to it. Even then, everything in my room is most likely rotted and rusted to dust and dirt.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “How could I have forgotten about one thousand years of age? Stupid!” I slapped myself upside the head to help regain my thoughts, what could I do now? I know that I had to take down the pony called Celestia, but how would I go about doing it? Should I raise an army perhaps? Attempt to do something to raise all hell? There is a country called Germane, perhaps I could convince them to wage war.

I would have to write a letter to them of course, because that would be the only way to convince them, as they would not trust me in my current appearance. Perhaps a letter would do nicely to ease tension; perhaps I could convince them to wage war against Celestia. I could even give them the benefits of German engineering and technology, something that Equestria does not have. They do not have the experience of war that Germany has had. They do not have the technology that Germany has. They do not have anything.

I sat at a steel desk and started scratching on the parchment with ink and quill. I was sure to use my calligraphy to set the finest impression that I was professional and serious, yet elegant and intelligent at the same time. An elegancy I rarely display within writing, as it is mostly sketches and indiscernible scratches of graphite and lead amongst paper. I prefer pencil and pen of course, but they are currently rotted and crushed to dust, or broken.

I sealed the letter in an ornate envelope and stamped the Group 935 wax seal to close the letter. I tossed it in the teleporter and punched in the coordinates for the Germane castle. I pressed the activation button and the teleporter crackled, and with a flash of light, it was gone. I sat back down in the steel chair behind the desk made out of the same material. It seemed rather drab in this bunker, but I didn’t have many options concerning furnishing choices.

Iron and steel would have to do for now. I would have to start building my defenses if I were to ever be able to throw Celestia off course. How would I build an army you ask? Well sir or ma’am, you are asking the Doctor Edward Richtofen on how he is going to raise an army! By raise an army, I mean literally raise an army. From the dead that is! Luckily, I had stored myself some old lunar guard corpses from the time I raided their armory for metals and supplies. Boy, did I rack up a kill count that day!

I entered the freezer, which I had enchanted to be forever cold courtesy of my late friend Sapphire, and looked upon the tubes containing perfectly preserved corpses of bat ponies with their armor still on. The perfect basis for an army is an army that will actually listen and that would not question my orders. I smiled mischievously just thinking about all the things I could do with these ponies, but I already had a plan set up.

The ponies do not know how to kill them and they most certainly do not know how to kill them. Not that I’d tell them that you would have to aim for the brain to kill them of course. So I’ll just set all one hundred of them loose in the woods. That should keep them occupied, and possibly make zombie animals as well as zombie ponies. This week just got a little bit more fun, and with that. I pressed the button, releasing 115 into all the pods…

Good morning my little ponies… Rise and shine from your death… For we still have one more objective…

Author's Note

Link to SCP Foundation and SCP-682.

The March of War is Boring.

The next day, I found himself face to face with up to 1,000 new fresh zombified faces. As the 100 infected ponies I sent off into the woods had somehow stumbled upon a town, and had attacked them all while they were asleep. There were no survivors as every single zombified citizen of the town stood in front of me presently. I felt my eye twitch with excitement, and my smile could barely be contained on my face as i viewed my newest ‘recruits’ into the army. I… I would be their new leader in this glorious age.

“Former Bat Ponies! You are… are all now going to obey me! Quickly now! Take your weapons, and we shall march off to battle soon! Haha!” I finished my small statement with a cackle, and the horrifying creatures before me groaned loudly as they obeyed me, and me only. They took their spears and crossbows and armor from the pile I managed to gather from previous armies conquered.

“We must attack now! While the pretty pony sun god is unsuspecting! Soldats! Bring me my machine gun! I vant to tear these ponies to shreds, und riddle them with bulletholes!” I screamed, feeling myself shaking mad as an MP40 floated over to me. I grabbed it swiftly, and hopped onto the back of the nearest undead pony soldier. My vision sharpened as a carefully took in my surroundings, and then I gave the order.

“MARCH! MACH SCHNELL SOLDATEN!”

I lurched backwards as the ponies began to march, converging into a neat step, something that i could have only dreamed of back home in Nazi Germany. The soldiers obeying on a whim, doing exactly as i pleased. I couldn’t have it back home, but now I could have it here!

The radio squealed in a fury of electronic static as i broadcast my message through a megaphone speaker. “Auf der Heide blüht ein kleines Blümelein, und das heißt: Erika! Heiß von hunderttausend kleinen Biene-...” I trailed off, seeing that the zombified ponies simply lacked the mental capacity to properly keep a tune. As all of them were currently grunting and drooling. Marching along to our next destination, Ponyville. “WHO NEEDS YOU ANYWAYS!” I shouted over the unceasing groaning, at least I was not their target!

The Everfree forest seemed so pleasant at night, surprisingly slow, what with the neverending goose step march of armored and armed ponies. The owl’s ‘hooing’ in the distance made for some decent background noise, and the glow from the blue flowers along our path made surprisingly beautiful scenery considering where he was at the moment. However, it was not as beautiful as artillery shells blasting in the darkness, despite the deadliness of the situation.

The next thing I knew was myself waking up with a very stiff back. Seriously, it was insane how much his joints could ache nowadays. After all I was only a little over 1,000 years old, and apparently in dire need of a chiropractor! I closed my mouth and spat out some weird yellowish-white gunk that had formed at the back of my throat. Flexing and cracking my bones, I smacked my lips as I took in my surroundings. Quickly I knew something was up, but i understood the situation fairly well. We were still marching in the forest, albeit it was day. I Looked around, and spotted a rather delicious looking apple hanging low from a branch in the direction we were approaching.I reached up with a glove-clad hand and picked it off the branch and quickly began chewing on it. It tasted tangy, yet was very sweet and juicy at the same time.

I slowly blinked and chewed on the apple. Lazily i reached up with one hand and straightened my cap. I was still riding the same zombified pony as yesterday, and I briefly thought about how this wasn’t bothering me before shaking my head. It was no matter, I would figure out these unimportant things after I was done torturing Princess Celestia’s oh so precious student. See how she feels when she loses someone very close to her.

I jolted upright, finding a rather crushed and inedible apple in my grasp. I threw away the crushed fruit and wiped the juice on the fur of the zombified bat pony beneath me. “Don’t worry my zombified friend, blood comes out a lot much less easier than apple juice does.” I whispered into his ear and got off of him. To which he obviously did not notice nor care.

I strode ahead of most of the forces, who somehow had managed to stay in line and perfect formation since night. They had been continuing my orders, and although looking rather more rotten and stinky now, they seemed to be more… ravenous. Per say at least.They were rather terrifying to look at, and growled more furiously as Richtofen approached, although they did not harm him. I managed to catch the zombified bat ponies doing battle with a patrol in the Everfree, it’s safe to say that the bat ponies classified the patrol as a fresh meal rather than an enemy, and attacked with an uncaring instinctual hunger that even made me shudder.

It was enjoyable to watch my creations work as I intended them to though! And with that thought, I put the gory memory out of my mind. Despite having an unfeeling monstrous army at his disposal, I still found myself getting rather bored making the trek with them. There’s simply nobody to talk to, but at least I’m acknowledged.

I prodded one of the zombie bat ponies, and it simply carried on its way, not a word said to me. Rather rude I must say. Not being acknowledged hurts the soul, but I suppose I don’t have to worry about that too much. Not much of a soul left after all. I picked another apple that was hanging low from a tree branch, except this one seemed much more rainbowy and colorful than the other apples. I shrugged and took a bite from it, how bad could it be?

It turns out, colorful apples were not meant to be eaten. As soon as I had bit into it I felt myself shocked by many, many, MANY volts of electricity, but at least it tasted good. I sat back up, and threw the apple away. Getting electrocuted was not worth sating my curiosity. One of the zombie ponies stepped on the apple, and the unfortunate undead exploded in a bloody mist. The poor guy. I chuckled, at least he was already dead. It didn’t stop me from laughing out loud though, seeing that was by far the most hilarious part of my day. It isn’t every day you see an exploding zombie after all.

Sometime later I found myself sewing up the tears in my uniform, sitting on the backs of one of the ponies up front. A more heavily armored brute, who simply stomped through everyone and everything that opposed him. The type of zombified pony that I could use to my benefit, if only I had more huge, heavily armored brutes to get things done. Unfortunately, I’m not very knowledgeable on machinery, only weaponry, so inventing something is out of the question. Once I’ve established my dominance throughout the country I’d have to just pick the best ponies for the job.

He could finally see it from the back of this massive zombified pony. Ponyville. His destination and their destruction were at hand!

But first I had to pee.