I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect
Shining, as if it was Celestia’s sun. Gigantic, being the size of my hoof. Magnificent, like the untended night sky…
These were things I could have described the object as. Instead I was drooling and only could think of three things with my filly mind: red, delicious, apple.
I am on the floor looking up at the kitchen counter. Mother is standing beside it, her eyes focused on the same object before turning to me.
“What is this?” she asks me.
I could not say it the way it should be said, but I tried, “Awppul.”
She nods but gives no other sign of approval. That wasn’t the true test.
“Pick it up and you can eat it.”
Mother said it plainly, as if it was easy. However, I was barely anything more than a baby. Almost all foals triple my age would have an issue with this.
I look at her with wide eyes, just wanting the apple. I was hungry and my stomach had not known food for quite some time. I just wanted to eat it.
“Now,” she curtly yells to me. I feel water rush to my eyes as I just look at her. I do not even know how to use my horn to gather magical energy at will. I could do it on occasion, but to actually use it for a specific task was out of my capabilities.
She does not care though. Seeing that I am not doing what she ordered, mother uses her own magic to lift it up.
“Fine then. I guess I will have it.”
She hovers it over to her mouth and bites into the apple. I try to complain, but I wince at just the thought of making unnecessary noise.
Mother turns and leaves the room, leaving me alone on the floor.
I would not be eating that night.
I am a filly. Five? Six? I could not tell. There was no celebration for my birthday every year like the other foals had. Mother said those were for frivolous ponies who wanted to make themselves feel special. That you are only special if you make yourself special.
She is out working. She has been working the past few days straight, and left no food in the house. She doesn’t need to work I don’t think. She always has money. But mother is always out performing.
I want food though. I go out of the house and wander around the city that is Canterlot with this in mind. I am too young to understand what is where, so it takes hours just to get more than a block from my own house.
This is not the first time.
The entire day passes by and my hooves are aching from my journey when I finally see the first sight of food out in the streets. A street side stall with fruit on it, one of many amongst an army of similar structures.
The others do not matter though. As I take my last steps on the earth of the path, I have my eyes honed in on the assortment of fresh food.
Apple…
Saliva drips down my face at the sight of the food. When mother takes them she gives the pony who stands by them bits, but I don’t have anything to give him since mother left nothing…
He’s not looking though. He can’t mind if he doesn’t see, right? That’s how I would rationalize it if my mind was not serving my stomach.
With a purple flash I get an apple to hover a couple inches until it falls. My teeth clench it before it hits the ground, and I scurry off with my meal.
So incensed by my small use of magic and the food it earned me, I do not pay attention to my hooves as I run off. One clips some unknown object on the marketplace’s ground, and I soon find myself tumbling onto my face.
My eyes water as I try to get up, gross dirt lining my nice blue fur. I don’t want to cry, but I feel myself doing it. Because I’m not strong like mother.
When I manage to get up though, my apple is gone. I turn my head to look for it, but something oozing onto my eyelid stops my search. My forehead and horn are feeling…slimy. Icky.
I wiggle my horn and the now bruised, beat up apple falls onto the grimy ground. It has a hole where my horn had impaled it during my tumble, with the juices I had intended to ingest now dripping onto the undeserving ground.
I may be starving, but I could at least tell when something would be detrimental to eat…
Stupid apple! I just wanted to eat you!
Now the tears are coming down even harder. Why can’t I do anything right? I can’t even take an apple without ruining it…
No wonder mother doesn’t bring me food. She’s a great magician. I’m just a worthless foal like she tells me.
Through the dirt now clogging my nose a nice waft through the air sets my stomach back to growling harshly.
It smells like bread…I can take a loaf and bring it home for mother and me! Maybe then she won’t think I’m worthless.
Now I need to get the bread…
I’m a filly still, barely any older. Mother stays out most nights and days. When she comes home it is not food that comes with her, but more lessons. The trick of eating my food proved useful once in forcing me to try and learn how to use magic, but now that the threshold had been passed it was only good for unnecessary torture with no gain involved.
There was a competition on the street of magical talent amongst my ‘peers’. I was the only one who could do much of anything with my magic, so I won by default. I had done it to try and make friends, but they all got mad at me.
Mother, having watched from afar, was pleased to have seen me doing magic better than other ponies though. What need do I have of friends when I have my mother?
“You’re so much better than those worthless foals when you try to be.”
We are sitting at the dining room table with an assortment of food on it. It takes all of my willpower to not drool on the table as she levitates plate after plate onto it.
I swallow my saliva and smile in thanks, even if my bruises haven’t healed, “Thank you mother.”
She ignores my thanks as she sets the table, her magic making the tablecloth spread out and utensils appear while the plates set themselves. As entranced by the food as I am, I am just as impressed by the magic being done.
“Not an ounce of talent among them,” she mutters, causing me to nod. They actually had no talent at magic from what I had seen that day. As she complains though, she finishes setting the table and conjures a stick of butter from out of thin air.
So amazing! I wish I could do magic like that…
Nopony’s better than mother at magic! She knows everything. She has a bookcase with magic books! Telekinesis, teleportation, transmutation, illusions, and anything anypony could hope to be good at.
When I grow up I want to be just like her!
I watch in wonder as mother takes the loaf of bread I stole that day and slices it with one of her fine knives. Once the bread is split into nice inch-wide slices she takes the butter and puts thin slivers of butter in-between the slices.
Butter and bread?
Mother’s magic heats the bread up and the butter melts inside of the bread, buttering it all and making it look delicious.
Buttered bread! She does know everything! I would never have thought of putting butter on bread like that.
“I love you mother.”
No response, but I don’t need one.
Mother loves me. She has to.
“I am sorry miss Lulamoon, but there is not enough room in this year’s class for your daughter.”
I am a filly with enough talent to apply for Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Mother has apparently wanted this for me for years, but has not believed me ready to apply.
She was right.
Mother only nods to the judge, not even looking at me, “Come, Trixie.”
Her voice is neutral, but I can feel the cold inflection. The walk home is going to hurt. I don’t want to go home, but I’m more scared if what will happen if I don’t…
Mother is silent as we leave the campus. I do not dare break the silence as I know things are going to hurt the moment it does end.
Once we are home and in the main room she clears her throat. The silent walk was terrifying and I expected any moment to result in yelling. Pain.
She is now glaring at me. I bite my lip as fear seizes me.
In a panic I blurt, “I’m sorry! I promise I won’t fail again, I—”
The hoof that strikes my face silences me. I wimper as I ready myself for what might last for hours.
“Of course not. I won’t be bringing you to a place where ponies with actual talent go.”
The insult stings more than the strike. I have partially grown used to those, leaving her disapproval far more painful. More terrifying.
“Please, I promise, don’t hurt me—”
She hits me in the lower leg while sneering, “Promise? What is there to promise when you are not worth anything to begin with. I’m ashamed to have you carry my name.”
Something in me snaps. I rush past my mother to the door and start working on opening it. An easy task while calm, it proves to be quite difficult while I struggle with it.
Mother does not turn to face me as I glance back to her. She stands still, but stomps a hoof angrily, “What are you doing? Get back here.”
Still panicking, I get the door open and move half out of it before she speaks up again.
“Walk out that door and you better not come back. And you can forget any future you will have.”
I pause as her words wash over me. I do not take long to weigh my options before bolting out the door though, not old enough to actually consider the options.
I was across town and panting before looking back.
She didn’t follow me…
After a day I try coming home. It is raining, and as I am a young filly, I don’t consider that my mother was serious the day before. She will let me in, right? I can practice my magic and she can forgive me. I can earn her love, because she deserves the best daughter she can have.
I knock my hoof on the door I had run out of the last time I was here. My wet fur contacts the fine wood that it is constructed from and my heart soars as I think about maybe eating buttered bread with mother by a warm, cozy fire.
“Mother, I’m back!”
No response.
I wait a half minute or so before knocking again. The rain the Pegasi have brought for the day is pounding on my back as I try to get mother to answer the door.
“Please let me in, it’s cold out. I’m sorry!”
Nopony comes to the door. The lights are on inside, so I know she is home. Our house is quite open and so she can hear me. She just isn’t coming.
“I’m all wet! I need to dry off!”
I cannot tell the water running from my eyes from that falling on my face from the sky.
“Please…”
I had thought, despite all of her punishments and scoldings, that maybe…no, not maybe, that she DID…
Was I a fool to think she loved me?
“Mom, I’m sorry…” I sniffle as I continue knocking, “Don’t you love me?”
The only thing to greet me is the gust of wind that blows my hair in my face.
“Mother?”
That smell…
Food…
A white coated stallion smiles to me as I wake up. I was laying down in an alley, ribs showing beneath my skin and fur. Now before me is a box with what appears to be a pie in it.
He speaks as I weakly get up to observe the pie, as well as the stallion, “I don’t need it.”
I am an older filly. About the age of a teenager, but I cannot tell given the way I’ve been living. Food is maybe something I have once every few days, and my water comes from public venues.
“Th—thank you.”
I don’t want to accept charity, but I am in no position to turn it down. I tear open the pie box and dig into it, not even noticing what flavor it is with how fast I swallow it down. I am too starving to savor it.
After finishing it and wiping my face I look back up to the stallion, who nervously chuckles at how fast I ate it. He probably had not expected me to be that starved.
“I can’t even remember the last time I ate,” I mumble. I try and think what I was doing a few moments ago, but everything is hazy…
“Don’t you have a family?” he asks, concerned. I shake my head and his shoulders sink.
He turns to the side and brings back a smile to his face as he notices something. I turn to whatever it is he is looking at and try to see what is so amusing. It’s just wood I’ve gathered.
Pieces of a broken wheel…one that I broke after it ran over my tail and splashed me. Now I just wanted to use it to make a fire, but I’ve failed each time. It is nighttime and I need the heat for the coming night, only having two ripped pieces of purple cloth to give me warmth otherwise.
That, I think, is what I was doing a few moments ago before falling down and deciding not to get up. At least until a pie was presented to me, that is.
He laughs nervously again, obviously not knowing how to confront a homeless pony of indeterminate age, “So, I saw you were practicing magic. Mind if I see it?”
“It’s the least I can do,” I cough as I draw whatever magical energy I can together.
In my weakened state I grow dizzy as I try to finish my spell. The spark I am supposed to shoot at the wheel instead flies up into the sky. It spins around and fizzles before exploding in a bright display of light, completely similar to how a firework might work. In the night sky the bright light contrasts completely, and if I am quite honest it…looks nice.
The stallion, who I notice is a Pegasus, laughs at the sight, seemingly amused.
“Hey, you’re pretty good at this!”
He…approves? I don’t know what to say…
“I am?”
Some ponies from the street approach us, having seen the magic, and they all seem enthralled. They are younger, and I bet they are students of some sort.
“Do that trick again!” one of them says while laughing just like the Pegasus who gave me the pie.
They…like my magic? But I just was just making sparks to light a fire…
Weeks go by and things have changed.
I have grown up considerably in this time of pubescence, despite my malnourishment. I’m big enough to pass off as an adult, and that has been serving me well.
Ponies like seeing magic shows. It took me awhile to realize that, but after my first impromptu show I found I had gained my Cutie Mark. I had gone so long without it I had long lost hope of ever gaining it. A wand with a moon, seemingly symbolizing my magic show capabilities.
Once I realized I could draw interest with magic shows, I tried doing some on the street. Ponies, particularly by schools, loved it and would grant me bits and small gifts. Not much, but it was enough to get recognized at a performing club. One where I am now about to perform.
With the bits I bought as much food as I could eat and some clothes to use. A purple hat with stars and a matching cape. Nothing too bombastic, but enough to look good. I cleaned myself up at a fountain while making sure to not leave any dirt in my coat.
I have the chance to be great. To get off the street and be somepony.
“Introducing our great guest, the powerful and amazing magician known as Trixie!”
Great and powerful? I guess they were impressed by the magic I have picked up over the past few years to survive…
Now, time to give them a show!
I am a full grown mare, if only by days or weeks. I’ve never stopped to check my age with any records, for that would be dwelling on the past. What does it matter to me now that things have changed for the better and I am living so happily?
These years have been so great I can’t even believe I’ve been working for about half my life. With all my spare bits I have bought a wagon home I bring with me to new shows, I have adoring fans across the country, and now I am even beginning to go to new towns away from the Canterlot area.
So what if I’m alone? The traveling life isn’t bad if you don’t get too attached to anypony, and I have no need for those sentimental relationships so many ponies seem to be drawn to. I only need my crowds and myself to get by after all.
Have I heard a word from that mare who had me? No. And it’s not like I want her to reach out to me. I am my own mare now. I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, not some weak filly who needs her mother to wipe away her tears. I am an adult now, even if just barely.
With how much business has picked up, I bet I can even start working on having my own home back in Canterlot. A place with a nice lawn to relax on, with a pool by it, and a fence to keep out all the ponies I don’t want coming over.
Starting with that mare who dared abandon me. Well I’ll show her! I’m not some nopony with no talent. Soon I’ll be the pony everypony wants to know and is talking about.
So what if she didn’t want me? Other ponies do! That’s why I’m traveling to Ponyville of all places, well known for just about nothing. I’m sure my arrival will spruce up their days!
“—someone goes around showin' it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons.”
“Just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make one better than the rest of us.”
Just ignore them…this show is for all of the nice, respectful audience members. Not the disrespectful orange Earth Pony and her white Unicorn friend in the front row.
“—I mean, yeah, uh, magic shmagic. Boo!”
Why I oughta—Okay, that’s enough! They’re entitled to their opinions, but they don’t have to stay here and ruin the show.
Seriously, the gall of some ponies…if they don’t like it they can just leave.
“Well, well, well, it seems we have some neighsayers in the audience. Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie? Do they not know that they're in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?”
I’ll show them their place! I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! Nopony is going to just try and ruin my livelihood and get away with it.
I am a full grown mare and yet I have nothing.
Those damned brats ruined me. Stirring an Ursa to come and test my abilities? Sure, I claimed to be able to beat one, and I have no doubt I one day will, but that is no reason to bring one into a town! I tried to stay and fight, but nooooooo, that meek purple friend of the hecklers had to do it.
But she couldn’t have done it before it ruined my home. My wagon that I use as a stage. Where am I supposed to sleep now? I spent all my bits on it…
So what if I lied about my powers? So what if I was boasting? It is my whole job to entertain and capture the attention of crowds! You don’t do that by being some meek nopony who is too afraid to show off! I didn’t hurt anypony, at least not until they tried heckling me in the middle of a show. Was I just supposed to let them rudely ruin me as I did my job? Would they like it if I came up to them as they worked and criticized them? NO!
Losing my wagon is one thing, but those ungrateful foals spread the news of my humiliation to every corner of Equestria I’ve ever been! I can’t get a job anywhere without being laughed off stage or chased off for being a fraud. I have not even tried performing in Canterlot yet, but I would rather not given my failures outside of the toxic city…
I am broke. I have nothing for the second time in my life. All because of Purple Smart or whatever her name is, not to mention those annoying children. I cannot even imagine being that stupid, not even when I was their age.
I had to be smart…nopony else was going to take care of me, so there was no other choice.
Even now, years later, there still isn’t anypony…
I am biding my time.
With a heavy breath of frustration I throw the pickaxe I have been using to the grass beside me. The only place willing to take me in at all is this remote rock farm of all places. I doubt they even know where Canterlot is, nonetheless the reputation of the ponies who come from there.
Before me is a large boulder I have been tasked with breaking down into smaller sections, but it has been proving near impossible to do so. They have disallowed me to blast it with magic with fear that it might make the rock pieces too small, but of course the pickaxe I have been provided with is no use on the thick rock.
“Damned rocks! You’ll be the death of me one day!”
Sure I am able to eat again, and have a roof to sleep under, but this work is backbreaking. Every day I am able to work a little bit more than the last, able to endure ever so much more pain, but I can’t stand it. The ponies here are all quiet, and there is no excitement to be found anywhere…
One day though, one day, I’m going to have enough bits to get my life back on track. Get my payback and show those ponies who ruined me their place…
I sink onto the ground and use the grass to wipe my tears. I don’t need anypony…I’m strong…
Who am I kidding…I am a loser. A fake who has accomplished nothing with her life. My magical powers are nowhere near those other Unicorns from Canterlot, not to mention that one from Ponyville…
I’m the nopony that mother never wanted to begin with.
I have failed once again, wasting more months if not years of my life. I cannot even tell anymore.
“Get out of here!”
“Canterlot has no place for wash-ups raising racket.”
I have failed in getting revenge on that purple Unicorn who ruined me, Twilight Sparkle, but I have at least made peace with her and her friends. This has not helped my reputation however, as demonstrated by this attempt of mine to have a show done in Canterlot of all places.
“Yeah, get off the stage! You shouldn’t even be up there!”
I was hoping maybe somepony would recognize me back from when I was popular and still be willing to watch me…
The crowd gathered was admittedly large, albeit not for what one might consider a good reason. It is more of an angry mob than an adoring audience, and I am actually a bit scared as I look at them all. They look ready to force me off the stage I have requested permission to use, and have been granted by Princess Celestia herself.
I try and throw a couple of tricks in as I speak to the ponies of the crowd, “As it so happens, The Great and Powerful Trixie has a permit to perform here. Princess-”
My tricks do not soothe them as intended. A rock knocks off the tattered magician’s hat I have kept with me all this time. The ponies in the crowd, seemingly an assortment of snobs rather than students, apparently know of all of my misdeeds of recent times. Otherwise how can they justify such a violent act? I already hate myself for having become Ponyville’s dictator for a time, I do not need them throwing things at me to remind me.
I levitate my hat up from the ground to dust it off. I will not let this get to me. The last time I dealt with hecklers I had my life ruined, so I must just persevere and handle my pride. As I dust the hat I notice a large tear has formed where the rock collided with it, the stone apparently having been launched like a projectile by some Unicorn given the damage.
I move the hat to shield my face as tears break out on my face. Oh, forget it! I am damned miserable…this was my last hope and now I am being humiliated once again. My hat is luckily large enough to shield my face from their judgmental looks as I quietly sob to myself behind its safe harbor.
This moment of self pity is ruined with a sudden collision I do not see coming at all. It breaks through my tattered hat and collided right with my face that had been hiding behind it. I drop my hat in shock as blood wells up where I now have a gash on my cheek. I recoil and touch my cheek to wipe the blood, my front hoof coming away a dirty brown from the drying blood mixing with my blue coat.
A pony from the crowd, possibly a child given the voice, yells at me while I try to cover up my tears, “No one likes you, go back to wherever you came from!”
Humiliated and indignant both, I snort. This IS where I came from. I am about damn ready to tell the crowd off about that fact before
their expressions all transform into ones of fear rather than anger.
They all begin stammering and stuttering something beginning with “Ni” as I look at them with a very confused face. Whatever is the matter with them?
The crowd begins to turn and scream in terror as they all run away as fast as they can manage. What is their issue? A moment ago they were ready to heckle me off stage, and now they are running.
“What is wrong? My fireworks are not that scary.”
“Nightmare Moon!” the last of the crowd screams as they flee in terror, their hooves carrying them away from the platform I am on as fast as they can manage.
Upon mention of Equestria’s former menace, I spin around in fear to see if I too could spot the black coated mare. Was she not supposed to be just regular Princess Luna, and thus a national hero, at the moment?
I did not expect to turn directly around into the cause of the disruption. Before me is Princess Luna in her Nightmare Moon body, likely a transformation given how she goes to public events in her normal body I hear, but that does not change just how large she is.
After bumping into her I stumble back in a brief fit of terror, my body and brain not coordinating on the whole rational side of things.
Princess Luna makes no movement as I bite my lip nervously. What is going to happen? I can’t run if it turns out she is evil again…
I notice she is watching the last of the crowd flee with a degree of pleasure and distaste both. Was…that her purpose in doing this? Nothing about her seems to be at all ill-intentioned, and soon enough she looks down to me with a small smile.
Tales of how Luna confronting the foes of Equestria were becoming widespread throughout the nation, it being one of her duties of the night while her sister handled diplomatic and paperwork related things in the day. While others were unsure about how to perceive Luna’s vigil of the night, I for one am not about to be ungrateful.
I bow down before I can even think of what I am doing, “P-princess Luna, I uh, can explain…I think.”
Luna laugh came out as a cackle, the Princess not really realizing it, “There is no need to. This city has a serious infestation by arrogant foals.”
She…had come to help me. What could a princess want with a nopony like me?
In the actual present, my eyes slowly bat and flutter as my ears pick up my name.
“Trixie?”
That voice…
W—what? Where am I?
“I…”
A quick look around and I find myself on one of Canterlot Castle’s lush courtyards. A book on illusions lays between my hooves as if it had been clenched tightly moments before.
The day is becoming dusk, and my mentor has come out of the woodwork to take reign over the night. I suppose she came to see how I am doing. Here I am though, laying on my side in the field she set aside for my training.
I was just dreaming…
Princess Luna comes over to me with a smile, and I notice that she has brought food with her, “Are you feeling well? You do not usually sleep during practice.”
I bow my head to her humbly, not believing myself worthy of her graciousness, “I apologize, princess. I just got sidetracked.”
“It is okay. You have been working very hard these past few weeks. You are quite the dedicated student. I see a lot of myself in you.”
Hard work isn’t exactly hard for me at this point, but…well, getting praise is. It makes me feel warm. It’s different when I’m being admired for who I am, not what I’m doing…
“Thank you,” I cannot help but blush and feel embarrassed as a result, even if she cannot see it underneath my fur. I know the blush is there, and that’s what matters.
She places the food down on the ground by me while continuing her smile, “I brought you some food. You always seem to forget your meals.”
I return the smile while noting just what is waiting on the plate. Warm, sliced bread with butter. A coincidence that she brought my favorite food every night, or rather brought it that first time when she decided I needed to eat more often?
Princess Luna takes the effort to make it herself and bring it to me…no servants involved. That’s what matters. It makes me feel as warm as the bread and…well, happy, to know she cares like that.
She’s taken me in when nopony else would. Not even my own mother, who has not even once tried sending me a card all these years.
I—is this how it feels to be someone’s daughter? I really don’t know…
I do not know how long this will last, but I can enjoy it while it lasts.
Nothing does last forever. Not fame. Not bits. Not ponies. Nothing. But this warm feeling that I get when Princess Luna comes to check on me…make sure I’m okay…
I don’t want it to ever go away.
Author's Note
A/N: Trixie’s mother needs to talk to Uncle Phil. A lot.
I can't remember the last time I've cried while writing...
Anyways, comments and thoughts are appreciated! Comments are love 
, as are likes and favorites, so any support you give will be very treasured.
And Now I Try Hard To Make It
A/N: Well, it's been a year, but thank you everyone who read this story when I released it and gave it your support. This story is not, in fact, a oneshot, and so here is the second chapter! With the first one as the set up, now this story will delve more into the actual story it is meant to supplement, that being "We Remember Everything". This is Trixie's side of the story, in an abridged sort of sense, and while this chapter is kind of light on the We Remember Everything references it still has them.
In any case, I hope you all enjoy, and I do hope to hear your thoughts in the comments below! I love hearing from you all, and it means a lot to receive your support.
The “Great and Powerful” Trixie shouldn’t have to feel like this. A few years back I would have been able to buy a gift with all the bits I was making through my performances, not that I was exactly a star back then, but I was well enough off.
Do other ponies know what this is like? I have never really borrowed anything, and taking someone’s money to buy them a gift feels like something most foals would have to deal with at some point…
Not that I would know by experience, of course. But that’s what makes me feel weird about having gone out and bought the ingredients for this with Princess Luna’s own money. She is quite thrifty in that she doesn’t buy much of anything, but that’s because she is not concerned as much with material things like most other ponies in Canterlot. She has her singular outfit, she doesn’t collect much of anything, and she actively dislikes all of the petty things the nobles here in Canterlot busy themselves with.
That’s good and I respect her for it highly, but it severely has limited me when I decided I wanted to get her a gift…so I went with something basic. A cake. Not that I know how to cook one, having lived off the basics solely for over a decade, but someone in town offered me a hoof in my endeavor.
When I was a young foal, a bakery owner caught me “liberating” some of their bread, but they took pity on me for looking so starved. They let me eat and stay with them the night, but when they mentioned the possibility of telling authorities about my homelessness I ran from them too. I didn’t know how it all worked at the time, but I believed that I would be sent back to a very angry, violent mother…
“Oh, what’s this for?”
But years later, whenever I was around, I would stop by the store and actually try to buy the bread, only for the baker to turn me down each time. I hate the idea that he pities me, but I managed to swallow my pride to ask him a favor this time and so here I am presenting a large, crescent shaped cake to Princess Luna.
I figured it should be vanilla because it’s the right color and all, though I am not sure I put enough frosting…I personally have never been all that fond of sweets, possibly because I’ve never had the superfluous income to grow a liking for them, but I heard that Celestia loved them, and so hopefully Luna does too.
“I…” my words catch in my throat as I think about her question. The reason? The reason is why I am focusing more on the cake itself than anything else…
I feel myself blushing beneath my fur as a side-effect of my embarrassment, “Just a thank you gift.”
I can’t remember the specifics, but around this time of year…
As if to calm my nerves, Luna brought a hoof to my shoulder and gave me a large smile. She completely towered over me, for even if I’m a bit tall for a mare she is an Alicorn, and so even this gentle gesture feels imposing despite her intentions, “I do not have the same sweet tooth my sister does, but thank you. I am sure it will taste wonderful.”
“I hope you like it. I haven’t made a cake before…” I mumble as my eyes fall to the ground. Here I am making excuses and covering my bases in case it is bad. She is my teacher and patron after all, and I would hate to lose her favor over a bad tasting gift. Around others I could adopt my stage persona, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to put on that false aura of confidence around her. Is it respect for her title or power that keeps me from boasting and pretending, or is it something else?
“Did your family not teach you how to bake?”
She couldn’t possibly have known how much that question would hurt before she asked it. To hide the pang I feel in my chest at the mention of family, I begin to retreat from her open doorway.
“I should get back to working. I hope you enjoy,”
I can hear her call my name as I begin to leave, but for the first time since she has taken me in I purposefully ignore her.
“Trixie?”
Today’s the day of the year I usually spend alone and remember that I don’t have a family. No known father and a mother who disowned me.
Why today though?
Today is the day I believe to be her birthday.
“Happy birthday!”
“I’m a year older. It’s not that special.”
“How old are you, mother?”
“How old are you?”
“Three and a half!”
“Multiply that by four.”
“What’s multiply?”
“Don’t worry about it…”
“Trixie?”
“Yes mother?”
“Thank you. You’re a good girl.”
My memories from when I was younger seem to be less and less descript the longer and longer I live, though I understood less about them when I was younger so I suppose there is a balance there. I remember I had stolen some food and gave it as a gift to my mother, who seemed unable to work all the time for some reason.
I wish I remembered more about her, but even her words feel distant to me now…I can only remember celebrating that birthday because it was one of the few times she told me I was good. That she hugged me, and one of the only times I can remember sleeping next to her.
After giving Princess Luna her gift I went back to practice my magic at the training field she had provided me. She had said I needed to build up some basic strength behind my magic before she would personally teach me advanced techniques and the like, since at my current level I wouldn’t be able to do much if anything with them. What I know I know perfectly and how to apply them in every manner possible, but that doesn’t make me strong like Twilight, who I see walking around the castle with her new set of pretty little wings that she got for making friends from what I hear.
Sure, I don’t have friends, but does that mean I’m deserving of being a princess if I somehow do make them? No. And if it’s her saving Equestria that made her worthy, then why aren’t her companions Princesses as well?
Of course I feel bitter about that…Twilight already had everything. She came from a good family in Canterlot, she was the student of a princess, and she was born with an abundance of magical potential. She has had everything handed to her on a platter, and now she’s a princess as well! I may have one of those things now, but how did I become a student to a princess? Because I was being assaulted and heckled by a crowd and the princess took pity on me. Not because I’m special, but because she felt sorry for me…
These feelings help me as I work on moving boulders of varying size and weight to manually build up my strength bit by bit. Weight lifting for Unicorns is basically how Luna explained it to me, and while plain and basic I understand why. I’m weak, at least in comparison to other magical professionals. Compared to a normal Unicorn I am indeed powerful, but while I am on the same boat as Twilight in terms of what our Cutie Marks signify, we are by no means on the same level. There are of course plenty others who outclass me, but I suppose I should stop using her as a benchmark now that she is an Alicorn now…
I swear today’s practice is easier than all the other days I have spent tirelessly working on moving these boulders if only because I am too emotional to feel the strain on my body. Most Unicorns automatically cut off when they feel their magic energy run out, but something I learned as a performer is that you can push yourself that extra bit by tapping directly into your body’s overall energy. In the same way a runner can push theirself past their limit and possibly wreck their overall health for a day by having reached that level of output, a magic user can push further and cause theirself pain in other ways in order to keep using magic.
This has helped me in performances that have gone on longer than expected, and as a result of all my work over the years I can rightfully say I have built up a far greater level of endurance than any other Unicorn I know just by fighting through the pain and slowly building my magical pool up piece by piece. The lack of difficulty in each specific task I do in my shows has left me at my level of weakness, but the sheer number of tasks I perform has left me far and beyond among the best in this specific way, and I take some pride from that.
It’s what lets me come back here every day and work for hours on end at such difficult tasks as lifting boulders larger than Princess Luna herself…simple, but difficult. Of course, Twilight lifted an Ursa, but I need to catch up bit by bit.
“Trixie, is something the matter?”
I almost don’t hear Princess Luna as I continue to work on lifting and moving a boulder that has been giving me particular difficulty this past week. With a gasp of relief I let it down to the ground and take the time to breathe. Pain tolerance is the name of my game, but just because I can fight past the pain doesn’t mean it all doesn’t hurt.
I give Luna a weak smile to try and divert her suspicion. I don’t want to reveal to her the reason I gave her the cake, “I’m fine.”
I put some research into it, but there is no official date of birth for either Princess Luna or Celestia in the records. After all, they preceded our civilization, so us having records would be far odder than not.
So, in thanks for helping me off the street and caring for me…I gave her my mother’s estimated birthday. I could try to find my mother’s actual birthday on some record, but I’m not so sure I want to open that page of my life again…though I can’t really move on as much as I want to…if only this all was easier, I might not always feel so bad.
As kind as she has been to me, Luna has some blind spots in her normally skilled perception. It’s what let her so open to being betrayed by her lover in recent history, that guy named Loki I think…I think they have made up like any good pair of misunderstood misfits, and can I really blame them? They know the pain the other has felt, and it is not a pain many know or can sympathize with.
While partially wary of my assertion, Luna’s partial blind spot about those around her lets her accept my words at face value, “Well then, keep up the good work. Remember, I am here if you need me for anything.”
I…I really don’t know how to respond. She’s so good to me. She can be dark, emotional, and serious, the traits which led her to betraying Equestria so long ago, but she has a heart to her. She cares about others, but her investment in others just hurts her in the end when they do not return her emotional investment. If I had a kingdom fear and ignore me despite everything I did to rule and protect it, I would be infuriated too.
It is in this way that I find myself in love with her. Not in the way of any romantic interest, something I have never felt before in my life, but in the way that one views another as close to them despite having no blood relation. She has protected me and is caring for me, and so I care about her too…and that is why I am afraid of letting her see how damaged I am. Afraid of possibly letting her down now that I have this innate sense of gratitude and affection for this mare who has turned my life around.
“Thank you,” I say simply, trying hard to not gush and let all my feelings out. Princess Luna is tough, and I should be like her. Despite this, I find myself caught off guard for the slightest of moments at the smell and sight of fresh food being hovered above her. She’s been bringing me meals every night, since I tend to not remember to get it on my own when I’m working really hard…
Am I wrong to see that as maternal? I don’t even think she realizes it, but it feels as much like I have been adopted as I am being taught. Is that how it is or just a selfish projection though? Seeing something in a way that makes up for what I grew up without.
Princess Luna smiles at me as she hovers the food and milk over to me, “I heard your stomach rumble when you gave me my gift,” I take the food with my own telekinesis and gratefully bow my head to her, which elicits a chuckle from her, “You seem to like the basics, so I thought I would bring some by.”
My stomach was rumbling? I guess over the years I’ve forgotten to pay attention to that…
I feel myself growing bashful again as I try to avoid eye contact, feeling unworthy of the care shown to me, “You didn’t have to do that for me, but thank you.”
From the corner of my eye I can see Luna smirk as she gives off a small laugh, “It makes me wonder what Celestia was like when she took care of Twilight’s studies. I wonder if she ever brought her meals like this?”
Rumor has it that Celestia is more of a mother to Twilight than Twilight’s own mother…a relationship I would not mind reflecting here, even if I am an adult. Better have someone to care for you late rather than never.
I begin to eat the food to regain my strength while also letting some of my disapproval of the smart purple Unicorn shine through, “I would imagine so. Twilight’s a bit heavier than me after all.”
Luna does not scold me, having come to understand my jealousy while not actively promoting it, and instead smirks at me, “Trixie, you’re about as lean as possible while still being in the realm of healthy. Everyone is heavier than you.”
“I…” am really skinny after years of starving and living on a minimal diet. She’s completely right about that, but I’d rather not have to explain why that is, “I guess you’re right, but surely a bookworm who sits around all day would gain some weight, right?”
“I suppose you’re right,” with that she clears her throat and nods her head over to the closest entrance to the castle from this small clearing, “Now, if you need anything, let me know. I have some things I need to prepare for.”
“Of course, princess.”
My usage of the word princess stops her in her tracks, and instead of leaving she looks back to me and sighs, “You don’t need to be obsequious and practice such sophistry around me. I may be your teacher, but I have everypony else in the castle to be a sycophant to me. I don’t need somepony I actually like to mimic those plebians.”
Please don’t be mad…
I bow my head in apology to her, a feeling of extreme worry growing in my gut at how she is comparing me to people she doesn’t like. I want her to like me, it’s just that I…
“I’m sorry, princess Luna. I just don’t think I can call you anything else…”
Not that I don’t want to…but I don’t think you’ll like me using you as a substitute mother. It’s only been a few weeks after all…
She seems to understand my dilemma and after a moment nods to me in understanding, “Fine, fine…” she smiles at me briefly before once again moving to leave, “Just know that you could call me Luna if you so pleased. I won’t hold it against you. Princess isn’t my first name.”
I bet even if she let me call her mother I would feel too awkward to always do so…unlike other ponies, I don’t want to act grandiose, but I also don’t want to reveal all of my weaknesses and faults either…
I almost wish I was able to get over my pride enough to befriend Twilight, for she could probably help me on this matter. For now though I am still indignant over how unfair life is to forgive her for things outside of her control, so I will suffer with my own feelings until I can manage to extend that olive branch.
Maybe someday…but certainly not now, before I’ve managed to prove myself against her in some way.
“Mommy!”
“Mother, Trixie. Not that insufferable derivation you just used.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I brought home your favorite. ”
“Did I do something good?”
“I just made some extra money because ponies enjoyed my magic show, so we can afford to eat well for a day.”
“Thank you mother.”
“Slow down or you will choke.”
“I’m sorry…”
“You shouldn’t eat it so quickly. I don’t know when the next time we’ll get to eat this well will be.”
“Don’t you make a lot of money because you’re famous?”
“I…”
“I just have some medical bills.”
“What are those?”
“Just eat. Don’t worry. I’ll explain when you’re older.”
…
“I love you mother.”
“I…”
“I love you too Trixie.”
Princess Luna had left Equestria to visit her lover Loki, leaving me to handle some of her administrative tasks as well as continue my conditioning. This of course was of no issue to me, since I would do anything to please her, and she does not have nearly half as much the paperwork as Celestia does. Luna’s is mostly concerning matters of security, such as reports of monster attacks which she then goes and handles on her own while everyone else is none the wiser. An unnoticed public service she works on to the knowledge of few, but one that shows that she really is a good pony. She fights hydras, manticores and other such nasty monsters to help ponies she doesn’t even know…
Some might say a monarchy does not particularly represent its populace given that it is led by a relative few, but having grown up in one I have grown to understand its relative pros and cons compared to the democracies I hear exist outside of our land. If a nation has a poor or tyrannical ruler, then I can’t defend it at all, but with benevolent leaders such as Luna and Celestia I can see how they are in charge even after all this time. Luna may not be the most popular in the public eye, especially among close minded nobles here in Canterlot, but the two royal sisters really try their best to do what is best for us all.
It almost feels far beyond my place to even take Luna’s place in processing this paperwork if only because I respect her enough to know that no job I do with it could equal her own. Still, she spent a little time teaching me how to do it like she would, so I’ve been emulating it to the best of my ability during her absence.
Outside of that, my training has been progressing at a dreadfully slow pace because of my own talent or lack there of in the arena of raw magical power. I do not have a particular aptitude for it which is why countless hours across an entire month still leave me weaker than some others might be with a tenth of the training…but I want this, and I have the resolve and toughness to accomplish my goals. Luna said she would be testing me once she returns, and while I do not know if she would be so callous to expel me as a student should I fail, I refuse to even allow that possibility to occur.
It’s night, and I can feel the wear and tear on my body as I keep pushing my limits. The further I go on in the week the worse it gets, and since I’m only allowing myself Sundays to rest each successive week is more difficult than the last in terms of the task and my relative physical condition. The Princess gives me the entire weekend to rest, but I sneak in as much training as I can on Saturdays to try and make up for my slow growth in strength.
I stay up most nights now, and to be honest I’ve become nocturnal like Princess Luna normally is. I like that we share that now, and I like also that it keeps me from interacting with others in the castle. They are all either sycophants or hidden gossipers who had ties to the dreadful Canterlot elite who did nothing of value and paraded themselves around like they were actually special. They don’t know what true work is like, and I detest them for it, just like they now detest me after my disgrace. At least their heckling offered me this opportunity of a lifetime, and I am going to seize it while I still can.
I have a good home now, and someone who cares about me. That’s more than I’ve ever had, since the crowds who once adored me were nothing but fakers who loved me while I was popular and abandoned me when my reputation was tarnished.
For the first time in my life, I have something more than just basic survival and my ego to live for—
“And what do we have here?”
Of course my inner thoughts in this moment of rest between exercises had to be interrupted by somepony. Somepony who, while I had no recollection of meeting in person, was quite infamous in the papers for their rotten personality. I only read those papers because they were defaming me, although I can’t fully fault them, but it seems the other articles I read will now pay off.
Prince Blueblood himself had seemingly decided to stop by to see what the sounds coming from the courtyard were. Lucky me.
I notice that my silver-blue hair is dangling in front of my face, and not wanting to appear like some ruffian I flip it to where it should be as I look away from Blueblood and back at my boulder I’ve been working with. It likely would make for better conversation, I reckon, since if even an ounce of what I’ve read is true and what I’ve heard from Luna about him is true, this stallion is a bastard through and through.
“Begone, knave. Trixie has no time for you.”
“What are you even doing in our royal gardens, commoner?” Blueblood scoffs, ignoring my request for him to leave.
Oh great. I know I wasn’t exactly polite, but it’s interesting how someone can display their entire personality in a single sentence like that. What a shallow creature.
I continue to not look at the idiot as I continue my training, a more impish part of my mind contemplating batting him with the boulder to remove him from the premises, “I am Princess Luna’s student now, or has the Great and Powerful Trixie’s presence in the castle not sunk into your thick head these past weeks?”
Luna might make me feel nervous and insecure, but this fool is not her. I won’t give him an inch.
The supposed prince stamped his hooves down in anger and his horn lit up threateningly, as if he would actually use it, “How dare you insult your prince like that!”
I can’t help but guffaw at his childish display, “Oh please, you’re no prince. You haven’t earned a thing in your life you overweight fool,” I finally glance over back at him and give him a demeaning sneer, “Trixie reads the tabloids, and you only have a title because mommy’s family earned it.”
“Speak of my mother again and I will-”
While I can sympathize with having affection for a mother nowadays, I’m not going to let up on him because he has a single redeeming feature.
I continue my sneer as I lower the boulder to the ground, ignoring my initial gut feeling of wanting to let a sigh of relief escape my lips. I don’t want to let him see me as weak, “Will what? You have no power, and my teacher is the princess. Trixie will continue insulting you until you leave her presence, dimwit.”
Blueblood seemingly thinks himself clever as he looked around and speaks, “Your princess is not here! What could she possibly do to scare me?”
Oh he has no idea.
“Make you tomorrow’s target practice?” I yawn as I retrieve one of the scrolls Luna left me from the ground nearby and levitate it over to Blueblood, unraveling it in front of his face so that he could read it…if he even could read.
Blueblood narrows his eyes and seemingly beings to observe the scroll. Proving my suspicions about his intelligence correct, he ends up reading it aloud to himself in a slow manner as if he really is having trouble reading it.
“I, Princess Luna, hereby decree that if the pseudo prince known as Blueblood, or any of his malcontent Canterlot friends, attempts to interrupt my student Trixie Lulamoon’s training he or they will be punished in the following manner…”
I can’t help but laugh at him from across the courtyard. Luna, given her opposition to the petty people in Canterlot’s court, had planned ahead in case any of them tried to harass me in her absence. This is as funny as when I first read the decree to myself after Luna left, having been curious about what all the scrolls left for me were for.
“Go on,” I taunt, knowing that this fool brought this on himself. He really should just leave if he knows what’s good for him.
The pseudo prince swallows his breath as he continues on with my teacher’s glorious decree, his face growing more anxious with each word, “…the offender will be shaved completely, coat and mane both, and have a bull’s-eye tattooed permanently on their barrel. They will then be forced to act as the target for the following day’s practice and every day there forth until my return, at which time their punishment will be increased or decreased according to my judgment.”
I’m too busy laughing to the point one might call it a cackle to actually give a verbal response after he finishes, so Blueblood is left to growl to himself as the scroll rolls back up and returns to where I had it originally.
“This is ridiculous! She can’t possibly have this done!” he complains as loudly and pathetically as he could, not caring that it was getting late and there would be some who were likely sleeping in the castle. He’s too stupid to understand common courtesy after all.
Still, it would be best if he leaves so I can continue working, so I narrow my eyes and grin smugly at him. If I anger him enough he’ll just go away, “You want to try her? Word is she hates you in a most wonderful way,” I once again look away from the disgrace so that I can give an insulting yawn, “Though, if you want to stay, the Great and Powerful Trixie could always use a good target.”
“I will not stand for this!”
I hear Luna likes messing with him like this too, and I can see why. He comes, makes a fool of himself, and with a witty retort you can cheer yourself up. As a demonstration…
“Then take a seat, Trixie doesn’t care. Go be self important somewhere else. Nopony cares about you, and nopony ever will so long as you act like such a foal.”
I can see a glint in his eyes that seems to show that he’s going to try and retort, though I doubt it’ll be any good, “Says the disgraced magician! Tell me, however did you manage to beat that Ursa Minor?”
Oh yes, as if every other pony has not already played that card on me when they want me to feel bad. What a pathetic fool. I wish someone would put him out of my misery at this point, since all he’s doing is disgracing himself.
I scoff at him again, knowing his words to be true but able to ignore them for the moment given their source, “A worthy insult, if it wasn’t being levied by such a fool.”
“Is the gross and pitiful Trixie sad that she was bested by Celestia’s student, Twilight?” he mocks, only for me to roll my eyes and return fire. This is really all too easy.
“Are you sad that she is actual royalty now, unlike yourself?” I retort pointedly, much to his chagrin. I bring a hoof to my chin as I continue her derisive commentary, “Come to think of it, what happened the last time a princess took a pony under her wing? Taught them magic?”
My message seems to get Blueblood, as he seems taken aback by it. By no means do I actually expect Luna to make me an Alicorn and princess, as that is a silly reward for learning magic, but it’s enough to make Blueblood realize that I actually posed a legitimate threat to him in terms of social status because I could hypothetically become a princess.
At least Twilight’s ascension gave me fodder to fire away at this plebian.
Still, he puts on a tough face as he tries to play it off like my claim is completely ridiculous, “Hah! As if you could ever be a princess!”
I can accept that. I did not sign on to do this apprenticeship with that in mind, nor do I expect my stern but caring teacher to be that level of generous. Still, there is the possibility. And the possibility means everything at this moment as I continue to intimidate this lowlife, “Maybe, but are you really willing to piss me off in case I do?”
I am by no means skilled at teleportation, usually feeling sick and worn out after a single short teleport, but I can put myself through that future pain just to scare him off. He’s wasting my time and distracting me after all.
So, I teleport right in front of Blueblood to catch him off guard just as he attempts to respond to me. I lean close to him with narrow eyes as threatening as she could manage. I’m so done putting up with this foal and his disrespect, especially since it’s all coming from uptight nobodies here in Canterlot.
“Get out of here. If you return I will have your punishment carried out. If anypony comes here to heckle me they will suffer the same fate. Know this, I am here to stay, and if anypony tries to ruin this for me I will do everything in my power to make them regret the day they crossed me.”
I lean in even closer to his face, and the closer I get the more I realize something about it feels familiar. I can't place a hoof on it, but I don't really care either.
“Understood?” he cowers back and gives me a meek nod, allowing me to continue and pull back from his face, “Good. I am done with you, wretch.”
Mission accomplished, Blueblood scurried off in actual fear of the multitude of threats levied at him. Now alone again, I find myself smiling at how he ran off.
“You’re right, princess. This does feel good!”
After a moment of self righteous pride in my success of driving him off, I am hit by a realization about something that he had said.
I’m a failure.
He’s right.
I lower my head and bring one hoof to rub my other leg, “If only that fool wasn’t right…I’m a washed up magician with nothing else.”
I do not have the selflessness of my rival Twilight, nor have I saved Equestria on multiple occasions. I have no friends and, outside of Luna, I have nopony to rely on at all.
I know I am not cut out to be a public icon like Twilight is in her natural radiance, and that I will never be able to ascend to her level. But that does not mean that I can not be happy with being the student of Equestria’s princess. That I could not find happiness in what I can achieve despite it all.
Luna…
“Please…come back soon.”
I don’t have anyone else.
Author's Note
Perhaps there should be a tag that acts as a super version of the tag "Sad" called "Feels train".
Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
