Jungle Heat: A Choose Your Own Adventure filled with Passion, Romance, and also Derpy
You are stuck in the middle of the Amazonian Rainforest with nothing more than a matchbox, a bowie knife, a catalog of ladies undergarments you had recieved as a gift from your uncle's nephew's roomates brother in law, and her......THAT GIRL.
Why'd it have to be her? Always causing random accidents, and bumping nonchalanty into things, like she has no depth perception or something. It was probably her fault for the jetplane crashing into the middle of Nowheresville with the screaming of many jungle insects buzzing loudly into your ear, and the moist humid air collecting under your arms and nethers. Damn... why it have to be her? You take a look into the forested canopy, and shield your eyes from the intense brightness of the sun. You see a trail of smoke of where the plane had crashed, seems to be about 10, mayve 15 km away. Shouldn't be that hard to trek it through the wilderness, but you feel like your somewhat better off being eaten by the wild creatures than to be stuck with no human contact other than *shudder* HER.
You pull out your Bowie knife and raise your arm to cut the first vine. She bumps into you, sending the Bowie knife careening into the wild brush.
"OOPS, SORRY ANON" I just dont know what went wrong" she says smirking with a shit eating grin on her face. .
"Sigh." Its no problem Derpy, you try your best to give a smile to hide your "Jesus fucking christ if you weren't my only companion I'd throttle the shit out of you thoughts. You look like the Chesire cat cracked out on sweet georgia brown, but she smiles back at you and cocks her head.
"You look funny Anon!" she states pointing her stupid finger at your steaming face.
"Your corpse is gonna look funny" you murmur under your breath.
"Where are we Anon?" she asks as she puts her hand over her eyes and spins around like spastic kid on a Tilt a Whirl
"Beats me Derpy, here's a better question, how the hell did we land up on the ground, in the middle of a Rainforest, when just 45 minutes ago, we were standing at the Bus Stop, waiting to go to school?"
She shrugs her shoulders and says stupidly " I dunno"
Goddammit Derpy. "Well, anyways I dont think we'll be very safe if we stay in the middle of bumfuckitstan with no shelter, no food and no supplies... do you want to go to the plane wreckage? Its not that very far away, only about 10 km.
You feel a little pride about your navigation skills, you were always the best Boy Sprout and your Master Sextant badge was just more than a witty euphemism for your sexual prowess. Oh yeah, you never had sex. Muh feels.
"Uhh... I dunno Anon, I think its pretty here. Her stomach starts rumbling
Err, maybe its a good idea. Lets go find some food, or something." Its so goddamn hot here. Like Harriet Tubman making out with an athropromorphic Bidoof cat girl covered in molasses hot. The humid air is sticking to your already doused wet cardigan sweater. You begin to think twice about your sense of fashion, why did you have to let that crazy fashionista tell you whats hip or not? Its fucking July, for christs sake! You feel a poke at your back, and you turn around.
"WHAT?" you scream out in frustration
"umm... Anon? Y-you don't mind if... well." She blushes and turns away
"It's really hot and humid here... would you mind if I umm... took off my cardigan sweater?
"Sure fine whatever I dont care." you state with a mild tone of anger in your voice. The two of your stare at each other in an akward moment of silence.
"Umm.... Anon, c-could you maybe turn around?" Oh yeah.... you forgot. Girls like their privacy.
You turn around and cross your arms. This freaking girl.... we are in the middle of freaking nowhere, and even now she has to slow things down... goddamnit your Father was right about women. *Flashback to 6 year old Anon*
" ANON, Somzthigs yu gotta see *hic. Wymmens be.... your ass is grass, and I'm the ass man...."
*flashback ends* Huh. yeah, Dad might not be a good reference for any personal advice.
"Okay Anon! I'm ready lets go!" she cries out happily.
You turn around. "FINALLY JESUS! I can't you believe----Your jaw drops and your eyes pop out like out of some chinese cartoon about a rubber man wanting to emperor of pirating software. Derpy was wearing a full suit of Medevil Armour on top of a mechanized battle suit on top of 3 more sweaters, one that was made entirely out of sheep wool.
"Ahhhhh! Much better!" she exclaimed as she swung her turrent gun wildly shooting haphazardly into the jungle brush.
In your moment of cartoony amazement, several monkeys and other jungle animals fell from the treetops and also fruits too because physics. Well, looks like you have dinner for tonight. You load up a whole bunch of the dead monkeys, cheetahs, and Crash Bandicoots who oddly enough had about 98 Wumpa fruits on him, (just two more, and he wouldn't have had this horrible fate) into your ruckus sack (because even though it may be EXTREMELY MARVEOLOUS to some, the name 'Side Satchel' just sounds gay)
Derpy is continuing to wreck devastation on the beautiful, however fragile ecological wonder with her Hyperion Plasma Grenade Launcher and her +20/+5 Fire Elemental Battle Axe of G'Ryynark.
"Hey Derpy" you state, sitting on your manly side satchel in awe and wonderment.
"Yes Anon?" she replied as her body dangled and twisted in euphoric happiness as if a ballet dancer drunk on the high of the cresencdo and moonshine
You ask the obvious."Why are you wearing all of that awesome mech gear?"
Derpy stops in her tracks. "Y-you don't like Mechas Anon?" she said with a whimper. Oh shit, what is this feeling you have growing in your heart? Is this.... compassion, are you actually feeling sorry for HER? THE GIRL WHO FUCKING SLAPPED YOU IN THE FACE WITH A TUNA FISH IN BAND PRACTICE WHEN YOU WERE GIVING YOUR EPIC FRENCH HORN SOLO OF FREE BIRD?
"W-well... it's, I-uh..." you say stupidly... huh, well maybe you can have some spaghetti with your murdered wildlife for dinner.
"Its okay Anon, I understand." she said sticking her tongue out at you.
Five seconds of wildly insane cartoon sound effects later...Derpy sat there with a white " I heart Geeks t-shirt" on. As she giggled at you. "Sorry, I thought all real men like Mechas, but its okay if you don't."
You could hear two natives in the distance say DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
You turn around, and begin walking "Well, its not a normal girl thing to do Derpy." Its not a normal fucking human thing to do either, seriously, a WOOL SWEATER? I'd rather eat a plateful of Pinkie Pie's Clam Cookies than wear one of those.
"Well, I'm not exactly a normal girl Anon." Derpy replied with a bit of a giggle.
You could say that again. You could hear both of your stomachs rumbling.
"Lets eat Derpy, I'm starving."
She throws her hands into the air and screams "WHOO HOO!"
Aww... that bretty cute. You take the matchbox from your Ruckus Sack and open it up. Exactly 3 matches. Huh. What an odd number you think to yourself as you make a smug grin. You take the catalog of ladies undergarments and set them on the ground. Derpy snickers a little bit.
"Anon.... your kind of pervvy aren't you?"
You blush, and your thoughts rush through your head. U FUKIN WOT M8? I'LL FUKIN BASH UR HED IN, I SWEAR ON ME MUM.
"S-shut up and let me do this Derpy..."
She shakes her head and starts chasing after a butterfly.You take one match out and strike it against the box. *SNAP* Well shit. You take another out and strike it against the box. A sudden gust of wind puts the match out before you can even move. FUCK. You take the last match out, c'mon gotta do this right, you don't want to get some type of Super Jungle AIDS herpes from eating raw meat.
You strike the match against the box, FWOOSH! You carefully bring the precious precious food bringer to the catalog of ladies undergarments. FWOOSH! YES! AHAHAHA! I AM ANON, KEEPER OF FLAME!
"Oooh! Whats in this bag?" You heard behind you.
You turn around to tell Derpy, but are met right in the face with your side satch...I mean Ruckus Sack. Like a scared epiletic on the Michael J Fox experience Laser Show you swing your arms madly and fling your Ruckus sack right into the flames, where it caught aflame immediately.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY SIDE SATCHEL!!!!!" You exclaim
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY BOXERS!!!" Derpy said at the same time.
"Derpy quick! Try to get it out of the fire! I'll find a stick to pull it out of the fire!"
"Gotcha Anon!" she said giving you a thumbs up.
You turn around and frantically look for something to pull your manly side satchel from the flames when you suddenly hear. *Trickle...trickle...trickle*You turn around slowly, dreading the awful sound. You see Derpy, with a shit eating grin of satisfaction plastered all over her stupid fucking face. In her hand was a water bottle, an empty water bottle, and beneath her was the burned mess of was once a warmth giving, and food cooking flame.
She bends down and picks up your now finely charred Ruckus Sack. It falls apart to ash in her hands as she gets covered in black soot.
"Oops. My bad Anon."
You clench your fist, and begin shaking. A single tear falls from your eye as you look into the endless blue ocean of the sky. WHY GOD? WHAT HAVE I DONE SO WRONG? I MEAN YES, I DID TELL FLUTTERSHY THAT HER BUNNY WAS BEATEN UP BY THREE VISCOUS BULLDOGS WHO WERE LATER PUT DOWN WHEN I ACTUALLY KICKED THE DAMN THING FOR POOPING IN MY GYM SHOE, AND I DID TAKE COUNTLESS OF UPSKIRT PHOTOS OF RAINBOW DASH WAS SHE WAS ON THE STAIRS AND UPLOADED THEM TO PIXIV, BUT DID I REALLY DESERVE THIS FATE? Then suddenly a great wave of clouds parted and an English mans head with a great flowing beard and a royal crown appeared with a beam of sunlight radiating from all sides emerged and said. "Yes." Then it went away forever.
Fuck.
"C'mon Anon... dont be sad, turn that frown upside down your silly clown!" she laughed as she grabbed your face and parted your cheeks to make a smile."You are literally past the point of no return. First she probably is why you are stuck here in the first place Secondly she is completely non chalant about the whole entire thing Thirdly, she burnt all your inventories, your favourite and very masculine Ruckus sack, had the only source of drinkable water, which then she used to douse your only means of light, warmth and food cooking. AND SHE TELLING YOU TO FUCKING SMILE???????
You take a deep breath. A VERY deep breath. In the end, it really wasn't her fault right? I mean if you weren't a bag of spaghetti who freaked out and flung the bag into the fire, you and Derpy would be enjoying a nice Bandicoot manicotti with fava beans. She must be honestly trying her best to remain calm in the situation, she is probably as freaked out and scared as you are right now, and maybe this is just her normal nature of dealing with stress. You grab her wrists, and put her hands back to her side.
"It's okay Derpy." You put on the fakest smile ever, which makes you look like a weird hybrid of a Glascow Smile victim and Jeffery the Homicider. C'mon, we can't be that far from the wreckage. You turn around, it's going to be a long fucking trip. You look back and see Derpy standing there looking at you.
"Well, c'mon! Aren't you coming?"
She shakes her head and smiles, "O-of course! Coming Anon!" She rushes to catch up, while tripping over a loose vine, hitting her head on a rather unconvientaly placed rock, that hit an upright stick, that knocked over a coconut shell, which woke up a mouse, which ran and scared an elephant, who swung his trunk and hit a tree, which made the monkey who was eating a unnaturally spiky and large pineapple drop his aforementioned spiky and large pineapple right onto your head. You can actually taste the citrus through your nasal cavity.
"O-oh my gosh Anon are you okay?"
"I'M FINE. LETS. EAT." you barely stutter as your head is filled with pain and anger as you pull the Unnaturally large and Spiky Pineapple from your cranium.
You cut the Pineapple 5 ways, You can see Derpy drooling madly over it, there's no way you can evenly share it. You are so hungry you could eat a horse...
"Sorry Derpy, I'm hungry as balls." You give her 2 pieces of the Pineapple that you cut using a sharp rock that wasn't previousally mentioned. She gives you a grump face and says. "You are not very coherent Anon!" and takes 2 of your three Pineapple pieces and put them in her, along with her 2 pineapple pieces and sticks her hands, palms open at the side at her head and mocks you. You can literally feel a blood vessel pop in your forehead. You take a deep breath and think calm relaxing thoughts. Fresh cut spring flowers strewn across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon, A swirling wonderland of sparkling, white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading fluffy pillows of comfort and excitement as you have never felt before. Okay.... you can do this.
"I'm sorry Derpy, that was rude of me. Can I have one of my Pineapple pieces back? You can keep the other one."
She looks at you with a sudden shock, she turns her head and takes one of the Pineapple pieces from her mouth and hands it to you.
" It's not like I was that hungry anyway."
You take the wet Pineapple from her hands and put it in your mouth. Gross. But strangely delicious at the same time. She looks at you in awe.
"W-what? Do I have a spider on me or something?"
"N-no, it's... its nothing. Thank you Anon." She quickly begins devouring her Pineapple piece. Man, she was really really hungry. When she finishes she lets out a loud burp and chuckles. You let out an even louder burp and she applauds your performance.
Your mouth begins to get a little dry, damn that unnaturally spiky and large pineapple, it must have been one of those Shelbyville Pineapples. Derpy must be feeling the same way too, its 90 degrees, with a humidity of 10 massively obese men chasing after a Ho ho. You are mighty thirsty, thirstier than that one time when you were at the beach and your mom only brought beef jerky and sunflower seed sandwiches, with salt and vinegar chips to go along with it. Maybe there's some running water here in the Rainforest, I mean, hell, Its in the freaking name, RAIN and FOREST.
You get up and stretch, ugh... this cardigan sweater is so sticky and wet. You decide to take it off. Yuck, its even drenched your white undershirt. Oh well, thats the nature of nature you suppose.
"C'mon Derpy, lets go find some water."
She looks spaced out, you snap your fingers at her.
"C'mon Derpy, we just can't sit here baking in the heat, lets go explore a little."
She suddenly comes to, and gives you a great big smile.
"Y-yeah! Adventure Time! C'mon grab your fr--"
You quickly muffle her, you are not in the mood for Tumblr Tier level pandering. You turn around and push aside a large fern.
Right below you is a huge river about 20 ft below where you and Derpy are. Well thats pretty damn conveniant.
You suddenly hear Derpy exclaim "WHOO HOO! TIME TO COOL DOWN!"
Before you can say or do anything Derpy runs and jumps into the river without even looking or taking the time to comtemplate the dangers of doing so. SPLOOOSH! Pretty nice dive. Nice form. 9/10.
"C'mon in Anon!" The water is great! She says as she splashes some water in your direction.
AH HELL NAW you think to yourself, This is the Rainforest, meaning that, that water could have Crocogators, or Water Snakes, or even.... Piranhas!!!....SHIT!!!!You quickly get down on your stomach and yell as loudly as you can to Derpy.
"DERPY YOU FOOL! THERE COULD BE PIRANHAS IN THE RIVER!"
"Don't be silly Anon, as long as I don't pee they can't enter my blood system.
You smack your forehead. "THATS A CANDIRU YOU DITZ! PIRANHAS ARE THE ONES THAT EAT YOU ALIVE!"
She yells back to you. "You mean the ones that had that movie that had the 3D remake with that one guy from Back to the Future in it?"
"Michael J Fox?" you yell back
"No, the one who played Raiden in that crappy Mortal Kombat movie I think!" she replied back.
"Oh I know who you are talking about, but they aren't the same guy. Your thinking of Christopher Llyod!"
"Wait, Doc Brown is Christopher Lambert?" she yelled back
" No no, Doc Brown is Christopher Llyod, you know that weird looking guy who looks like Jim Varney with crazy hair.
"Who?" she replied
"You know, Earnest! Verne...verne... heya verne!"
"Oh I love those movies, by the way Anon... my leg hurts."
"Derpy those are the Pirahnas! Quickly swim away!"
"Wait, Earnest was a Pirahana???? YEEOOOWCH!!!!!"
Derpy comically flew into the air holding her buttock as the piranha refused to let go. She fell onto the shore and collapsed.
That is clearly a drop of 20 feet to piranha and movie actor related tropes down there. But Derpy is hurt, and has a rather uncouthe pirahana eating her buttock. All of the sudden, you do something you thought you would never do, even for your best friend who totally gave you his Holographic MegaAguzard trading card back when you were into those sort of things 2 weeks ago. Shit was so cash.
"Hold on Derpy! I'm coming!"
You take a running leap, and dive right into the water like a Noregian Olympic swimmer. Shit.... the pirahnas... you grit your teeth. If watching hours upon hours of chinese cartoons has taught you anything, its taught you how to fight like a true man filled with youthful spirit. You start slapping the fish like a pansy while trying not to cry too hard. The pirahnas feel so bad for you that they just swim away. You breach the water and throw your head back, "DERPY!"
"o-over here A-anon!" she waved weakly from the river shore.
With the force of 10,000 Michael Phelps you swam the 2 feet of water and rushed to her side. It would've been much faster if you merely stood up and walked, but it was much more dramatic this way. Derpy was flat on her face, her t shirt sopping wet, and stained with blood, her skirt was torn and that FUCKING piranha was still stubbornly eating away at her buttock.
You pointed your finger at the piranha and said "Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru!" The piranha stared back and said nothing because it was a piranha. Then suddenly, you put on your Pokomon trainer hat and said "Derpy Use Iron Tail!" Derpy clenched her buttock, and the piranha stopped biting! You threw a Pokosphere at the Piranha, but turns out the Pokosphere was actually a pretty sharp rock. ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE! Pirahna has fainted! You pull the dead fish from Derpys buttock.
She wimpers slightly. "O-oh, please. Don't look."
You nod your head as you take off your shirt and dip it into the river.
"Dont worry Derpy, this will only hurt for a second."
You apply the water to her wound. She eeps and then relaxes.
She turns around and faces you. She is literally soaked right down to the bone, poor silly girl.
With a gruff look you push your shirt into her arms.
"Here, take it, use it as a bandage for your wound. I don't want to think I'm being invasive with your tender areas or anything
She looks at you with a deep gaze, and smiles. "It's okay Anon. Thank you. She wraps your Tshirt around her waist and tightens it.
"Can you stand?"
"Help me up Anon."
You bend down and offer her your hand. She struggles a little bit, you bring your other hand to help her up. You use a little too much oompf. Your lips meet. O-o-o-o-o-o-oh SHIT! DAMN! FUCKING SHITWAFFLES! This wasn't supposed to happen,shit! How could this be happening? Oh God, what the... huh, this isn't so bad.
You open your eyes, hers are still closed, she hasn't pulled away...you... kind of like this. It feels good, she looks really cute, and under all that goofiness and spastic whatnot, is a really decent girl... hell, that goofiness and spastic whatnot is okay too. You lose yourself in the moment a little, you both forgot that you were still holding each other with a decent amount of force, You fall on your back. Derpy is right on top of you. Her eyes still closed, she must really be in deep in her fantasy right now. AW SHIT.
You reach up and meet her lips once more.You slip your anaconda into her wet juicy lips, and connect with hers. It throbbed for a second, and happily linked with yours. The bouncing ungulating pink piece of flesh thrusting and bobbing happily in each other crevices. It was awesome.
http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/23400000/Squidward-3-spongebob-squarepants-23418069-500-318.gif
You pull away and open your eyes, a long bead of drool follows along as Derpy opens her eyes. Her eyes met with yours, well, one did, the other was looking at the river bank. You both blush rather hard, and she realizes that she was sitting right on top of your shirtless chest.
"O----OH! She jumps up very quickly. (Oh so she could walk just fine. Clever girl) She hides her face in her hands.
"A-anon.... we... we didn't do it did we?"
You smile, and kiss her on the forehead. "No, I wouldn't take advantage of a sweet girl like you. Silly girl."
She blushed even harder, and turned away from you.
"Come on Derpy," you say as you get up, trying to hide the quite noticible swelling you had acquired, you weren't really fooling anybody.
"Lets go pitch a tent." She blushes.
"I m-mean, make a bed. No no I mean, Find a place to sleep together, I m-mean..." You are literally dripping in spaghetti sauce.
Derpy holds a finger to your lips. " I know what you mean Anon, lets go make a shelter."
You nod your head as you say 'MMHMM'. You and Derpy begin collecting sticks and stones, you try punching a tree to get wood like in PickCraft. It fails miserably as all you got was a minor hand fracture. One fast forward 80's montage later....You and Derpy look at your shelter made out of Sticks, Leaves, Stones, and Coconut Shells.
"Well, it's shit." You say.
" I agree." said Derpy.
"Lets go sleep in that cave that we didnt notice until 30 seconds ago."
Things seem to be going alright..You take Derpy's hand, but not because you like her or anything... because the cave is slippery and wet, and you could slip in the wet spot and make a mess. You look around for a comfortable place to lay down.
Damn, only stalagtites and the ones that are like stalagtites but are opposite, what are they called? Oh yeah, Pointy Rock Thing. You hear Derpy's voice echo through the cave. "Hey OVER HERE ANON. Anon. anon. a-non." You follow the echo, and see Derpy right next to a cave fountian, its glowing slightly from the bioluminesice of the bacteria in the rock composition and also the fungi around it. ROCK ON SCIENCE!
"This seems like a nice place to sleep right Anon?"
Y-y-eah..." You rub your neck akwardly. "Too bad I forgot a pillow." You laugh nervously.
"Don't be a silly billy Anon." Derpy said as she took off her damp t-shirt and laid it on the rock floor. "You have two of them right here."
Wow, for such a, well, Derpy girl, that was pretty damn clever.
"B-but what about you Derpy? What will you lay your head on?"
She grabs you by the shoulders and pulls you down into her arms. She turns on her side and buries her head into your head.
"This suits me fine Anon. Night night Anon!"
Well, considering the whole height difference, you cant really use her breasts as face pillows, but this is okay too. You curl your head above hers and close your eyes. Her hair smells amazing. Like....a bakery....You begin to doze off. So this is how it is you begin to think to yourself. You are curled up shirtless lying on a cold cave floor right next to the girl you thought you always despised. Your really not sure how you got here, and why, but you really dont mind.
You open your eyes and look at the grey skinned girl. God she is adorable. Her face is buried in your chest, looks like shes having a good dream. You get up slightly and stare into the flourescent pond behind you. Damn son, you look good. You look back at Derpy, that big damn goofy smile on her face, shes drooling a little bit. You see her exposed breasts heave with every breath she takes, if you were looking for diamonds, you'd find them on those pillowly mounds.
You can't help yourself, you put your head down between her chesticles, and you can hear her heartbeat. *Doki....doki...doki...* She begins twitching, "A-anon...."
Uh oh... looks like her dream went sour. She starts running in place like a dog or something. Adorable, yet strange at the same time. You hug her tightly and kiss her on the neck. She immediately calms down. You whisper in her ear.
"Don't worry, I'm here Derpy."
That stupid fucking grin spreads across her face again. Damn. Your heart is throbbing so much.
You nudge her slightly.
"Hey...Derpy..."
She opens her eyes a little bit.
"Y-yeah Anon?" she says sleepily.
"Umm.... would you like to perhaps.... maybe... um.."
She smiles at you, and puts her hand right on your face.
"Yup!"
She pushes your head lower, you know what is coming... and who specifically will be as well. You inch closer and closer, you can feel the humidity of her rainforest grow closer and closer, the scent of womanhood and oddly baked good grows stronger.Suddenly you both hear an echo within the cave. You pop your head out in fright as Derpy covers her exposed chest.
"A-a-anon? What is that?"
"I don't know Derpy!"
"Is someone in here with us?
"God I hope not."
Suddenly the ground opens below you, slowly and then quickly. You both quickly scoot away from it, and end up crouched together in the flourescent pond clutching onto each other for dear life.
"Anon... I'm scared."
"It's okay Derpy. Everything is going to be fine."
The fissure on the floor crack the pond, and you lose your only footing. Both of you fall into the dark abyss of nothingness.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
You open your eyes slightly.... Its absolutely Pitch Dark... you hear something in the background and it sends every single one of your goosebumps into overdrive.
http://youtu.be/7hosMIlSCuU 10spoopy4me.
"Derpy? Where are you Derpy?"
"Over here Anon! You look over at the only other source of glowing light in this horrible pitch black abyss.
"Oh yeah. Derp."
She runs up to you, and holds you tightly. Like seriously, tighter than a special kid covered in glue and honey stuck to a teddy bear made out of feathers and loose fur.
"Anon.... I'm really scared.... it wasn't supposed to be like this.I didn't intend for it to end up this way"
"Its okay Derpy, we'll find out....wait." You grab her by the shoulders and look into her eyes. "What do you mean, you didn't intend for this to end up this way?"
She looks guilty, her eyes crumple up, and her face scrunches.... God thats cute... but something is rotten in the State of Denmark, other than the usual Danish cuisine that is."
"I may have.... kind of, umm... kidnapped you while you were sleeping at the bus stop... put you into my Dads personal Cessna, flew over the Amazon, and purposely crash the plane so that we would be abandoned together...." She holds the back of her head, with a really weak smile and a cartoonish squee sound came from her."
You are stuck in shock for a moment. You dont know whether to be furious, or dumbfounded that she liked you so much that she committed several felonies just to be with you. You can't believe it. All of this, all of these feelings you had built up for her, all these wacky situations that you had been so patient through... it had all been a set up from the start. She played your heart like a toy box. You can actually hear your heart shatter in your chest. It really fucking hurts knowing you were used, I mean yandere is cute and all... but not when you are lied to.
You drop your head and hide your tears. You actually thought you loved her, you drop your hands to your sides. All that spaghetti spilled. She must be laughing so hard at you right now. You turn around, and begin to walk off into the darkness. You need to be alone a little bit.
"Wait Anon! Wait! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? ANON I'M SORRY! PLEASE.... *she begins sobbing and choking on her tears* please... I'm so sorry, I'm so stupid... please, don't leave me Anon."
Your hands are still shaking like crazy. You are literally digging your nails right into your palms. You take a deep gulp, and turn back around. She on the floor crying her eyes out. Ah.... poor thing. You crouch down and hold her close to you. You kiss her forehead, and look her deeply in her beautiful yellow eyes.
" It's okay, I forgive you Derpy. Thank you for thinking so much, and literally going out of your way to impress me."
She wipes the tears from her eyes,
"But next time, can't we just go on a normal date? Like to the movies or something?"
She begins crying again, but these were happy tears. She throws her arms around you, and begins bawling into your chest.
You pat her on the head, and hold onto her like she was the most precious thing in the entire world to you.
"I love you Anon. I've always loved you Anon, I've just never been able to properly say it, you dont know how much I just want to be with you." she says in between sobs.
" I....."
you get cut off. "Every day I would watch you Anon, and everytime I get a little bit of courage to confess to you, I see your face and I become such a klutz. My head literally goes spinning and I get light hearted and I cant think straight. Shes digging her nails into your chest.
"All I want is you Anon. Your everything I've ever wanted... but stupid stupid me and my stupid stupid ideas..."
She starts smacking her head. and you grab her wrists.
"You aren't stupid."
She looks up at you with tears running down her face.
"Derpy... no one, I mean literally no one has shown as much heart and care as you have. You are incredible, literally, you are a wonder to me."
She buries her face in your chest again. "Damn it Anon, why are you so perfect?" Suddenly a strong sensation hits you. Like ten thousand needles rushing through your veins attacking your brain with fire and horrible voices.
"COME TO ME ANON. COME TO ME."
The voices in your head scream louder and louder with like a pulsating razor being forced through your veins. You start seizing and losing control of your body.
"Anon? Whats wrong Anon? ANON?"
You can faintly hear her voice, but the pulsating commands in your head are flushing her out.
COME TO ME ANON, COME.
You start shuffling with your arms out forward, and let the voices guide you. You feel someone tugging at your back, its Derpy, she is hugging your torso and is literally being dragged along with you. The voices in your head become screams louder than 30 black guys arguing about white people at a KFC convention. Your body freezes. You and Derpy both see it in front of you. A monolithic pulsating uhh..'feminine' shaped ruby gemstone 30 feet tall with a humanoid figure intertwined above its enterance.
"Welcome dear friends. Welcome to my crypt."
The 'feminine' shaped ruby starts pulsating faster and faster, it seems to be actually moving, clenching, closing and opening.
"I am Desire, and I am Lust. I am the Mother of All Things,Born from Darkness."
Derpy tries to pull you away, but you are fixated on the giant pulsating red mass of feminine feature in front of you
" I have long been imprisoned here in these caves, unbeknowst to all mankind. I provide life to the creatures of nightmare that demand blood sacrifice. I am the Harlot, and I long once more for human flesh!"
Your body seizes up once again... and you lose control. Your arms are once again in front of you like a zombie.... yes... it makes sense... be one with her again... its everything you've ever wanted... you shuffle closer and closer to the now rampartly pulsating mass of red stone. The humanoid figure is moaning in estacy,
COME TO ME ANON. MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN.
The interesting thing about women is that while they are both beautiful and curious creatures, they can also become maelstorms of fury and rage. Also, they have a hell lot of more hiding places then men do. Derpy pulls her pistol from her "hiding place" and aims at the Humanoid Demon Ruby Clitoris Metaphor.
"GET OFF MY PLANE" she said as she fire a single bullet. The bullet spun over and over again, and even though The Humanoid Demon Ruby Clitoris Metaphor was literally convulsing and whipping her body around like a spastic epiletic BDSM slave on an electric fence, it managed to pierce her right directly in the forehead.
" Boom. Headshot." Derpy said cooly as she lowered the smoking gun.
Suddenly the voices in your head stop screaming. You shake your head and realize you are touching a large portion of a curvy.... Eh, fuck it with the metaphors. You were touching the Swollen Lip of the Giant Vagina Metaphor, as the Demon Clit Metaphor was bleeding on top of you, its body still embedded stuck out and limp.
"Anon!" Derpy rushed to you.
You spin around and hold your hand out to her. "Derpy!"
Everything is all nice and slow motion like a romance film. Suddenly everything becomes crimson.
Derpy freezes in her tracks....No...Anon....
The Giant Vagina Metaphor ate him!
"AHAHAHA YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN KILL WHAT IS IMMORTAL YOU FOOLISH HUMAN? YOU'VE ONLY RELEASED MY POWERS FURTHER!!! NOW JOIN YOUR BELOVED WITHIN MY WOMB!"
The Giant Vagina Metaphor opened itself once more as tentacles jetted from within it and bound her, dragging her slowly within its gaping maw. You cling to the ground as your nails make an indent on the cave floor.
"NONONONONONONONONONO"
Her vision becomes starry and red. And then.
Darkness.
"
Derpy?" "DERPY?" Ugh.... its so disgusting in here....literally worse than accidentally falling down in a theater and the floor is full of recently spit out chewing gum. You try to push through the tight gem crevices.
"A--non...."
"DERPY?"
"Anon...."
"Derpy wait I'm coming!"
Its like a damn fun house maze in here, a fun house maze hotter than a coal baking oven and more humid than your hairy uncle at the sauna. Everywhere you turn you see her face, shes in agony, being crushed by the pulsating gem wall around her.
"Anon....." You can literally feel the rage of ten thousand super mega Burning Gundams flow within your body. You begin to catch fire. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
You punch the gem wall with all your agony, all your anger, and ALL YOUR LOVE. You feel every bone from your hand to your shoulder fracture and break away. But then suddenly... a crack appears...followed by another...and another....large chunks of ruby gem start falling apart, crumbling before you.There she is! You cry out for her.
"DERPY!"
She is on her back, and she whimpers slighty. Oh god... she's hurt. You run to her, and hold her in your arms.
"Derpy stay with me Derpy. We'll make it through this, I promise."
She coughs and smiles weakly. " Anon, I'm sorry."
"Dont talk Derpy, conserve your strength.
"Anon..." she slowly raises her hand to meet your face. " I love you." her hand falls.
"derpy? DERPY? DERPY ANSWER ME THIS VERY SECOND OR ELSE...."
You begin crying, there are literally tears streaming down your face as you clench her body and scream up to the ceiling in a dramatic scene. You hold Derpys body in your arms and you whisper to her.
" I love you too Derpy."
She begins convulsing and twitching, and her eyes twitch around. OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? She stands up, and takes your hand. She seemed different, like, something had taken control of her. She holds your arm out intertwined with your and makes a gun sign with her hand, you do the same. You can literally feel the energy of 10 million Kenyans rushing through your veins as you close your eyes.
"THESE BURNING HANDS OF OURS ARE BURNING RED, THEIR LOUD CRY TELLS US TO GRASP HAPPINESS. INVOKING. BURNING. FINGER. SEKIHA LOVE LOVE TENKYOKEN!
http://youtu.be/EkIJYrjUYyQ (for those who don't get the reference)
The entire Giant Vagina Metaphor crumbles from the massive amount of energy you and Derpy exude. The Demon could be heard screaming. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM IMMOOOOOOOOOOORTAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It crumbles all around you, as you both hit the floot after floating a bit. Her eyes go back to their normal Derpped state, and she collaspes in your arms. The entire cave is now brightly lit, seeing on how you just blew a hole right out the fucking thing.
"We did it, didn't we Anon?"
"Yeah... we did. We really did. Derpy.... I love."
She puts her finger on your lips.
" I know." She puts her hands around your neck as you stand up, and you kiss with a passion that made oceans crash into the shore, and a train go through a tunnel, and a volcano erupt. You suddenly hear a voice.
'HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY Anyone down there? I think I hear voices, are you okay? There was an explosion here so you better get out of here quickly, get to my plane and I'll fly you to safety!"
You stare into Derpys eyes, and she does with yours.
"Give it 5 more minutes!" you both cry out at the same time.
EPILOGUE TIME!
You are sitting at the bus stop waiting for your favourite girl to arrive. It had been 3 weeks since your crazy Amazon rainforest adventure. Your story ended up being publish by nature magazines and oddly enough That women's channel that middle aged women masterbate to. You even got to meet Daring Do! Lucky that she happened to be convientantly in the Amazon while you were visiting. And she was nice enough to rescue you from the crumbling cave and give you and Derpy a plane ride back to Canada, the only clear country where you obviousally live.
Ah! There she is!
"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Shes waving to you while running down the sidewalk, her one sock is higher than the other one, and shes wearing a polka dot shirt with a striped skirt.You open your arms and she jumps into them, and you spin her around as you kiss each other.
"Hey Anon, remember our adventure she said coyly in between kisses"
"Yeah, how could I forget Derpy?"
"Well... I wanted to show you something"
She curled her finger beckoning you to follow her. She lead you to the edge of a forest about 20 ft away from the bus stop.
"Derpy, this isn't like the rainforest we saw." you say putting your hands on your hips with a "Oh you" look.
She takes off her top, her skirt, her panties and throws them at you.
"Yeah, but this is." As she points to her nethers. Enh, more like a meadow than a rainforest, but you bet your ass your not much of an enviromentalist since you've been plowing those fields every single day. Your eyes met hers, your tongues meet and you fall into the bushes, intertwined with one another.
You give out a mighty Tarzan cry. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
the screen fades to black and the end credits play:
http://youtu.be/n8UuwHxw0rk
THE END
Jungle Heat: A Choose Your Own Adventure filled with Passion, Romance, and also Derpy
My name is Derpy Hooves, and I am the clumsiest, derpiest, and silliest girl of all of Equestria High.
Wow.You've had bad ideas before girl, but this one is your worst. You look up at the sky it's all rainforest... oh, how am I going to explain this to Anon? Wait, I know! I'll feign ignorance! I'm Derpy Hooves! The Derpiest girl ever!
Your smile cracks a little bit, its not like you are proud of that title or anything. It just kind of stuck, its how people think of you. Hell, your real name isn't even Derpy its...Anon is already up!Uhh... uhh... causal, just gotta act causal.
"HI ANON!" You exclaim as you bump into him. Nice.... really smooth going there."
Appariently he didn't like that...you quickly feign ignorance " I-i just don't know what went wrong."
I could tell what he thought... probably goddamnit Derpy.
"Its okay Derpy"
JESUS CHRIST THAT SMILE OF HIS IS SO FUCKING CREEPY. Uhh... okay, uh, how to dissolve the tension here....
"You look so funny Anon!"
URK, REALLY FREAKING SMOOTH, STUPID STUPID, STUPID... uhh..
"uhh, So where are we Anon?"
He asks you how we got here... uh, yeah, not going to tell him that jusssssst yet. He'd definately blow his top at me. I shrug my shoulders.
"I dunno."
He walks off, clearly frustrated. Sigh, honey you have got to stop listening to those crazy girls on their ideas of making a man happy. Seriously. I thought this Cardigan Sweater from Rarity would be enough, but no, Pinkie just haaaad to say real men love mechas, and Rainbow Dash said, Ohhh have lots of adventure, and Fluttershy just haaaad to say it had to be somewhere with lots of animals, and Applejack just haaaaaaad to say apples, and Twilight just haaaaaaaaad to say Mmmpmpmpmhhmpm as she was sucking Flash's cock. Goddamnit those 6.
Your stomach starts growling. Your pretty hungry, especially from wearing all this addiontial crap you thought would help attract Anon. Whoof, its getting hot though.
"Hey Anon?"
"What?"
"Can I take my sweater off?"
"Sure fine whatever."
Cool, lets see if what Pinkie said works.You take off your sweater and make a big show about it.
"Okay I'm ready, you try to say in your best sing song voice".
Anon definately looks...well, amazed, looks like it worked!Anon asks you why you are wearing all of this. Oh, he doesn't like it. THANK GOD, I CAN TAKE THIS SHIT OFF. You take off all the extra shit Pinkie said would work.
"I thought real men liked Mechas."
SHIT, did I say that out loud? Damn it damn it. damn it.
"Thats not a normal girl thing Derpy" he says.
Im literally drowning in spaghetti right now.
"W-well, Im not a normal girl A-anon."
Yeah. NAILED that one ya ditz.
Anon stops," Lets eat Derpy."
You can't help yourself, with cheering for joy. Anon pulls out a catalouge of women in their underwear. Huh... so I guess mister nice and clean does have a dirty side. Time to test the waters.
"Your kind of pervvy aren't you Anon?"
He blushes and looks away, "S-shut up."
yeah, definately a weak point. I'll keep that in mind. As you are running around, you keep on flashing back to the women in the catalouge. They are all so pretty, not like you, they are perfect, maybe thats why Anon likes looking at them so much. They are the epitimy of everything you will never be, how could Anon ever like you? Your not perfect.
You trip on his side satchel.... a little bit gay, but its okay. You rummage through and see if you can't get any dirt or information on your man of interest. You see a pair of boxer shorts with hearts on it, connected to an orange furry thing.
JACKPOT.
I'll just distract him real quick and take his boxers and...........Oh shit! ANON! ACK! I WASN'T EXPECTING HIM TO REACT SO SPASTICALLY! NO HIS BAG! HIS BOXERS!!!!
" DERPY TRY TO SAVE MY BAG!"
" GOTCHA ANON!, Uh...uhh.... OH I KNOW!" You pull out your water bottle, I know its the only reliable water, but this is for Anon.... you close your eyes and put the fire out.
The fire is out, and you try to pick up Anons bag, it falls apart in your hands. Oh god, you really fucked up this time. He looks absolutely furious, like he's going to throttle you or something. Uhh... uhh... dont panic... just think.
"C'MON ANON, TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN," You push his cheeks so hard.Oh please dont hate me, please dont hate me, please dont hate me. Here it comes, the "I hate you Derpy, I wish you were dead." you wince anticipating it. You feel him grab your wrists,
"Its okay Derpy." He tries really hard to put on a fake smile.
You can't believe it, you acted like a total spastic derpy girl, and he didn't reject you, I mean yeah, he's clearly pissed, and I dont blame him, but wow. I might actually have a chance with Anon!
"Well c'mon aren't you Coming?"
You shake your head "Yeah I am Anon!"
You fall right on your face, you pull your sight from the ground to see Anon get hit right in the head with a Pineapple, Oh man... this was probably your fault...but at least we can have dinner now.Anon cuts the Pineapple, and gives you 2 pieces, oh god hes mad at me for hurting his head, and is pissed in general. Uhh... uhh...
"YOU ARENT BEING COHERENT" you scream
without thinking you take two of his Pineapple slices and put them in your mouth and mock him.You can literally hear the woman inside you screaming in agony at what the actual fuck you were doing.
"Im sorry Derpy, it was rude of me, just give me one of my Pineapple pieces back, you ca have the other."
Ooh! My heart! Did it just stop a beat? You turn and look away, ashamed and blushing. "Its not like I was THAT hungry." You take a piece of Pineapple out of your mouth and hand it to him as he just pops it into his mouth. He didn't even clean it.My....my spit is in Anons body...we shared.... germs.... OH GOD ITS A CONTACT KISS!!!!!
"What? Do I have a spider on me or something?"
"Oh no no, its nothing, nothing at all Anon."
You eat the remainder of your pineapple pieces and let loose a mighty belch. Great REAL ladylike of you, great way to attract Ano-He burps even louder. Hmm... impressive.
You sit happily enjoying the company of Anon...oh, he's taking his sweater off......oh..... he's...all sweaty... and... Damn, this heat isn't making this any better, damn Anon, why do you have to be so sexy? You fan yourself off, you know you'll be thinking of when you go to bed tonight....yes... riding with Anon on horseback, feeling up and down those rigid abs of his, with the wind flowing through my hair.... mmmphhhhh....
You hear fingers snapping. "C'mon Derpy, lets go explore a little."
You are so giddy you cant help yourself.
"YEAH ADVENTURE TIME C'MON GRAB YOUR FR-"
He shushes you, must like not that show.
Then suddenly, OH WOW! Look at the beautiful river! Hmmm.... yeah, definately sounds like a sexy romantic shenanigan situation can happen here. Just watch me Anon, I'll have you wet from your perfect beautiful face to your cute little toes.
You jump in without even thinking. Wow holy shit, okay, thats really far up. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, you flap your arms, but somehow dive into the water. SHIT ITS REALLY FUCKING COLD! You see Anon, oh god hes so adorable up there, like a little puppy filled with concern.
"C-cmon in Anon! The water is great!" Biggest. Lie. Ever.
Ow....ow.... why does my butt hurt so bad?
why does it feel like I've been pricked over and over by terrible bumblebees? Why does my butt feel like its being bitten off... is it Anon? Oh, is he pinching my butt?
You hear a voice "DERPY USE IRON TAIL!"
You get the reference, you clench your buttocks really tight, Oh man, he's really going for it... oh wait, holy shit, thats blood. Oh God thats alot of blood, and bite marks. Oh God, IS THAT A PIRANHA? WERE THERE FUCKING PIRANHAS IN THE RIVER? Anon saved me?
"This will only hurt for a second Derpy."
You feel a cold stream of water hit your buttock, you wince... but then let go.Anon is looking at your butt, Anon saved you from being eaten alive by piranhas, Anon, cared about you...
"Oh please dont look Anon..." You are blushing so red, this is perfect...
"Can you walk?"
You turn around, and see him without any shirt on as he gives his tshirt to you. Anon..... completely shirtless, soaking wet... and he give you his hand....Nows the time girl. Make your move!
Uhh... help me up Anon.
He brings in his other hand.
HA HA! GOTCHA! You pull him in, and kiss him.
Oh crap oh crap oh crap........yes....yes.....YES..... Oh god I'm doing it! I'm kissing Anon! yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes! He pulls you in further and you feel him between your legs, Oh God YES! HE'S GOING TO FUCK ME! Okay, better pretend like I'm still kissing him. Oh God yes, put your fucking man cock right into my throbbing pussy, yes, fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me.
You feel him pull you down, You can literally hear the angels in heaven singing in chorus. He kisses you with his tongue, Oh god it feels so good. Oh he's done, you open your eyes and you meet his.
Oh, don't want to look like a Rarity moment here.
"Oh, did we do it or something Anon?"
He says something sweet. Yeah. He's totally going to get laid, I'm going to abosultely wreck that dick. He gets up, clearly he enjoys your company.Aww, he's so cute when he's flustered.... he keeps on making accidential dick jokes. Mmm.... I am going to absolutely wreck him so bad.
We spent about 5 hours building a pretty crappy fort, but I was happy just to be working and being next to Anon... that and watching him lift heavy objects.... and watching him bend over, and carrying stuff over his shoulder...
The t-shirt he gave me is already soaked, with something that definately isn't riverwater. Something.... a little bit more personal for my Anon.We both agree what we built was shit, and he takes my hand as we walk into a cave. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh so romantic.....
You find a nice glowing pond that you can stare into Anons face for the entire night, and have some romantic lighting for all the crazy kinky sex you plan on giving him tonight MUHAHAHAAHAHA..
"Here ANON Anon anon a-non!"
He looks at you and nervousally chuckles about a pillow. Heh... the pervert in me is really wanting to plow the living fuck out of this guy. I rip open my shirt and tell him he can sleep on these babies. he asks about me....well, for now, I guess I can bury myself in that awesome chest of his.
I can't wait for tonight.
My name is Derpy Hooves, and I'm in the Amazon with the Man of My Dreams, and I'm the happiest girl in the world.
Your name is Derpy Hooves, and this is how it is right now, your curled up with the boy of your deepest desires and fantasies, in a romantic cave, with a beautiful backlight. You are dreaming so well tonight, but it probably helps that the boy who means everything to you is right by your side.
You are in a princess ball gown, surrounded by many suitors, all very handsome and offering roses and the one really short chubby blue one is singing an oprea version of 'Follow Me', You love that song!You cross your legs and arms, "No, I have a special someone"
The suitors all groan and the little chubby blue one curls into a ball and says "GOTTA GO FAST"
"NAY LADY DERPY, THY BOSOMS SHALL BE MINE!"
*Audible lady gasp!* Its Sir Flash Mckensentryton! The Unnoble Duke to the Douchee' Legion! He rubs his overly villianized and curly moustache as he laughs an evil laugh making his top hat bounce on top of his evil head.
"MUHAHAHAHAHA, MYEH NO ONE SHALL STOP ME FROM DEFLOWERING MILADY!"
You put your hand over your forehead and do a dramatic and over the top faint.
"Oh, WHOEVER WILL SAVE MINE HONOUR AND WIN MY HEART?"
All the other suitors ran away quickly leaving a puff of smoke as the fat little one got picked up by an obese orange fox who said "HOW EMBARESSING"
Suddenly, the castle doors are busted wide open, It's Prince Anon!
"ANON!" You yell.
Anon does a badass head raise and raises his rapier at Sir Flash Mcsentryton.
"GET YOUR HANDS...."
He lunges forward the throne where you and the villianous cur are at.
"OFF MY WOMAN!"
Anon goes for a striking blow, but Sir Flash Mcsentryton is quick on his manuverability! MYAH HAH! He chortles as he tosses you aside, and grabs another rapier from the coat of arms above your throne.
"ENGRADE YOU CREATIN!"
He swings at Anon, Anon parries and swipes the edged steel away from him.
"It pronounced Cretin, you awful beast!"
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR! Sir Flash Mcsentryton slams his rapier over and over, it was so awesome and intense the battle, you can't help but cheer and pump your arms and punch the air with each and every blow Anon parries and ripostes.
Their swords clash and lock.
"WHY WONT YOU LET ME DO MY THING ANON?"
Anon grits his teeth, and yells with all of his dtrength.
SHE IS NOT YOURS TO BE CLAIMED! YOU'LL HAVE TO STEP OVER MINE DEAD BODY TO EVEN EARN HER GAZE!"
Sir Flash McSentryton leaps back.
"A CLAIM YOU'LL LEARN TO REGRET!"
He rushes at Anon, as Anon lays his sword aside.
"ANON NO! PROTECT YOURSELF!"
He looks to you and gives you a thumbs up.
"I already have the greatest protection in the world". Sir FlashMcentryton continues to rush widly while screaming on the top of his lungs like a little girl. Anon steels himself and rips off his shirt as he faced backto Sir Flash Mcsentryton.
"DIE ANON!"
The rapier bent into many comical shapes like spaghetti hitting a concrete wall against Anons chest.
"N-no! IMPOSSIBLE!"
With a quick stroke, Anon swung his rapier and slashed Sir Flash Mcsentryton across the chest with a killing blow as he flew back about 40 feet, out the castle window, and he hit the ground where a bus ran over him, then a steamroller, then a marching band playing Louie Louie.
You and Anon look down at the sight. You grasp your mouth with your hand.
"Oh Anon, its terrible."
"I know Derpy, my dad went the same way."
You embrace Anon, and ask "How in the wide wide world of sports were you able to defend against his killing blow?"
He holds you close, your lips draw closer as he whispered. " I have the greatest armour in the world. Your love."
You are completely blown away, seriously at that moment a warm wind blew in through the castle window making angels and cberubs sing. Even the poop farmer too! You take him into your arms,
" I love you Anon."
"I love you t----"
Suddenly giant tentacles came from the window and grasped Anon and began dragging him away. He looks at you with dismay and horror, like he realized something horrendous.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH DERPY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS?"
You chase after him, "Anon, I don't know what you mean! Anon ANON WAIT DON'T GO!"
"YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS"
You suddenly wake from your sleep by a sudden jolt to your chest. You peek your one eye open, Oh... its Anon... right in the middle of your chest.... pervvy little man.
You pretend you are still sleeping as you let him grope you a little more. God that dream though.... maybe I should tell him about this whole dang thing, I mean he clearly likes you right? He wouldn't be here, face in your cleavage if he didn't right? Well.... would he? Would he be doing this if I didn't put us in this situation? Did I force Anon to love me? Am I playing with his heart?
You feel a nudge. You open your eye and peek at Anon. "Gotta play cool, can't let him think I was awake or it'll spoil his fun..."
"Y-yeah Anon?"
He blushes hard, and nervousally chuckles. God, he is adorable.
"Do y-you mind, well, if we... you know..."
He doesn't even have to finish. You put your hand right on face. "Yup." You push his face lower and lower down, your eager throbbing womanhood is calling, and you are going to give the man of your dreams, a night hes never going to forget. Time to make the dream a reality girl. You can feel his breath on your engorged lips.... oh god... you are suppressing every single urge to close your thighs on him and drown him in your love juice.
Suddenly a loud crash echoes through the cave, shaking both you and Anon out of the deed. DAMN, SEXY TIMES FOILED AGAIN DUE TO PLOT LINE! You shake your fist at the invisible force guiding the chain of events
All of the sudden, there is nothing but darkness. A blackness darker than Shaquille O' Neal drenched in ink in a midnight lights out event painting a black bear in a dark forest on a black canvas. You hear him call for you .
"Derpy? Where are you Derpy?"
You go to stand up, ouch! You twisted your ankle from the fall, but you don't want to concern Anon in this already wacky and stressful situation.
"I'm over here Anon!" you cry out. He hits his forehead with an open palm, I guess he should've had a V8. He runs up to you, oh god... he's drenched in glowing water shirtless, dripping from his chisled rock hard abs. You bury your face in that Adonis of a figure. You feel so protected and happy, you are completely in comfort and peace, well despite the whole bbeing thrown into the belly of the abyss thing.
Time to settle the deal for ultimate sexy times, your womanhood is literally devouring your unmercessly soaked cotton garters. Honestly, at this point you should be sainted for your extreme paitence and self control to not overpower Anon, wrap your legs around his face, and grab on the back of his shirt, forcing him deeper and deeper in between your thighs.
"Anon...I'm really scared..." Yeah, turn on those overprotective instincts Anon has, make me feel safe and secure and protected.... with your man rod. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.
" It wasn't supposed to be like this..." Oh yeah it was, you planned this out, you totally feel wildly in control of your situation, you crane your neck closer and closer. Soon, Anon.... you will be mine.
"I didn't intend for it to end up this way." CRAP!!!! CRAP! OH GOD ANON, PLEASE BE STUPID AND FORGET THAT STATEMENT.... ACK! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SHOWED MY BLUFF AND MY HAND TO HIM. ACK ACK ACK, Damage control time, you quickly lower your head to his crotch...
"Its okay Derpy, we'll find out.... wait."
Shit. He found out. You quickly hop up and look him in the eyes. Oh God, these are the hurt eyes of realization.
"What do you mean you didn't intend for it to end up this way?" he looks at you with those serious sad eyes. ... d-do I lie to him? I can't! Its Anon! HE LOVES ME, AND I LOVE HIM. HE'LL ACCEPT ME, NO MATTER WHAT.
You grab the back of your neck, and you can feel yourself crumbling on the inside as every word comes out. I may have.... kind of umm..." you can feel a mountian crumbling inside of your stomach. "Kidnapped you..." a train falls off its rails and crashes into a meadow full of innocent sheep mindlessly checking their FaceBook profile on their Ipoo. "While you were sleeping at the bus stop, put you into my Dads personal Cessna, flew over the Amazon, and purposely crashed the plane that we would be abandoned together..." You can literally feel ten million 747's crash into the Twin Towers of your heart, but this time the Jews aren't responsible, you are.
You hold the back of your head and smile weakly, and have a nervous fart that sounded like a cartoon squee. He looks utterly devasted by what you just told him, he lowers his head, and begins crying, his fists literally shaking. Oh God its coming back to me, the dream, I'm going to be all alone because of my lies...
He turns around and begins to walk off into the darkness. You fall on your knees, and begin bawling your eyes out. "No... please God no... don't leave me....Im sorry. Im so sorry Anon..." Here you are, alone in the dark, soon to be alone forever. You broke him, you broke the only man you will ever love.... stupid stupid stupid girl. You start rolling into a ball, and sobbing a huge pool of sadness below you. Your mind starts flashing through all the happy times you would have with him. Running on the beach in a sundress holding him hand in hand as you clothesline another couple. Fighting in the World Championship of Boxing against Mike Tyson as Anon cheers you from the corner "UP AND AT EM, YOU'RE A WRECKING MACHINE." Holding your first child in your hands as he looks down at you brimming with pride, growing old together and enjoying a Mai Tai at the Talking Tiki Torch Tour in Tallahassee Tenessee. All these happy things will never come to be.... all because you had to manipulate him.
"Please... don't leave me Anon." you whimper. You feel something. He's picking you up and suddenly your face is in his chest again. Ah.... it smells so.... manly. You feel his one hand pat you on the back, and the other on your head.
" Its okay Derpy. I forgive you." He pulls you back and you stare into his gorgeous eyes, awestruck at the whole thing. "Thank you for thinking of me so much, and going out of your way to impress me."
You wipe the tears from your eyes... this... its a dream isn't it? This is some crazy trip from the fall right?
"But next time, can't we just go on a normal date? Like to the movies or something?" You begin crying again, but this time with a big goofy grin on your face. "OH ANON!" you fling your arms around him and bury your face within that chest again. I'm such a fool, here I was using him for his body, where all along it was his heart that was the most beautiful thing. Oh God I love you so much Anon. I love you I love you I love you. You can't help it anymore.
"I love you Anon. I've always loved you Anon. I've just never been able to properly say it." you start hicciping between your sobs of happiness. "you dont know how much I just want to be with you. Every day I would watch you Anon, and everytime I get a little bit of courage to confess to you, I see your face and I become such a klutz. My head literally goes spinning and I get light hearted and I cant think straight." you dig your nails into his chest, remembering every painful moment you tried to win his gaze and attention at you.
"All I want is you Anon. Your everything I've ever wanted... but stupid stupid me and my stupid stupid ideas..." You start smacking your head over and over again. God I deserve so much more than this to do this to such a perfect guy.
He grabs your wrists. You look at him tears running down your face, looking like a hot mess.
"You aren't stupid" your heart skips a beat. He draws you in closer and puts your ear to his heart. Oh god its beating out of control. "No one, I mean literally no one has shown as much heart and care as you have. You are incredible, literally, you are a wonder to me."
You are overwhlemed with emotion. You bury your face into his pecs again. Overwhelemed with joy, sadness, happiness, love, lust... ach.... just everything.
"WHY ARE YOU SO PERFECT ANON?"
Suddenly his body tenses up and his eyes glaze over. Somethings wrong... he raises his arms like a zombie... and begins walking away. "Anon? ANON? What's wrong? Anon listen to me!"
Its no good, he can't hear you. You grab onto his waist, trying to hold him back, trying to keep him with you. I wont lose you now Anon, I just can't.
He suddenly stops, and you hear a horrific voice and see a monolithic pulsating uhh..'feminine' shaped ruby gemstone 30 feet tall with a humanoid figure intertwined above its enterance in front of you.
"Welcome dear friends. Welcome to my crypt."
The 'feminine' shaped ruby starts pulsating faster and faster, it seems to be actually moving, clenching, closing and opening.
"I am Desire, and I am Lust. I am the Mother of All Things,Born from Darkness."
Nonononononononononono fuck this, we've got the hell out of here, you try pulling on Anon to get him away from this horrendous thing, but he wont budge. He is so fixated on the creature.
" I have long been imprisoned here in these caves, unbeknowst to all mankind. I provide life to the creatures of nightmare that demand blood sacrifice. I am the Harlot, and I long once more for human flesh!"
Anon starts moving again, closer and closer to the pulsating vagina metaphor. NO! IF ANYTHING HE SHOULD BE DOING THAT TO MINE! GET AWAY FROM THERE ANON!
The humanoid figure is moaning in estacy,
COME TO ME ANON. MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN.
Enough. I've just about have enough of these goddamn imterruptions, and these goddamn plot surprises interrupting the greatest goddamn romance that anyone in the entire goddamn world will ever goddamn have. You reach down into your panties, and pull out a pistol. Hah, Mom was always right about protection. You point the trigger at the writhing Demon Ruby Clitoris Metaphor.
"GET OFF MY PLANE" you say as you pull the trigger. The bullet spun over and over again, and even though The Humanoid Demon Ruby Clitoris Metaphor was literally convulsing and whipping her body around like a spastic epiletic BDSM slave on an electric fence, it managed to pierce her right directly in the forehead.
" Boom. Headshot." you say and you lower the smoking gun. Goddamn Im such a badass.
Anon turns around and looks at you. "ANON!" you yell as you run to him.
He holds his hand out to you. "Derpy!"
Then suddenly the Demon Ruby Vagina Metaphor opened its Lips and shut them around Anon, swallowing him whole.
You freeze.... Oh God.... you fall on your knees. "ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
"AHAHAHA YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN KILL WHAT IS IMMORTAL YOU FOOLISH HUMAN? YOU'VE ONLY RELEASED MY POWERS FURTHER!!! NOW JOIN YOUR BELOVED WITHIN MY WOMB!"
The Giant Vagina Metaphor opened itself once more as tentacles jetted from within it and bound you, dragging you slowly within its gaping maw. You cling to the ground as your nails make an indent on the cave floor.
"NONONONONONONONONONO"
Your vision becomes starry and red. And then.
Darkness.
You can hear horrible voices wailing in your head, where... am I? Oh God it hurts so much, like knives being stuck into every nerve of every joint of my body while being baked in an oven and pressed between two concrete walls. You hear a shrill voice in your head.
"Welcome dear girl... welcome to you."
"What do you mean? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU?"
A crimson shade of a woman appears before you, wearing a long flowing red dress that exposed her crystalline ruby legs and her crystalline ruby cleavage. A beautiful, arousing, and attractive woman indeed.
"I am you, I am all women, I am the flame within the beast. Your beast."
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
"Mufufufufu... I am the embodiment of all Lust, and I am the embodiment of Female Passion. Why do you think I take the form of a giant Ruby Vagina?"
Oh. Well that makes sense.
"You are here, because I drew you here, or more so your lust did." She comes closer to you, and puts her faceted face right next to yours. "You have a mighty beast within yourself dear child, and it has served me well. Now you will be consumed by your own passion, and so will the man you desire... within your own womb... within my womb... this is the price of a Passion unguarded." She throws her head back and cackles.
"A-n-ooon." you whimper as the pain becomes unbearable to handle. You did this, you let this happen.
Suddenly the walls let go of their pressure, you can hear him. "DERPY!"
Your heart beat is failing... everything is going dark... no, try to stay alive... just see his face. One..last...time.
You feel him pick you up as you open your eyes weakly and look his face. Oh Anon.... I'm so sorry.
"Derpy stay with me Derpy. We'll make it through this, I promise."
You raise your hand slowly, and touch that chisled face of his. "I love you Anon....."
You lose strength.... and your vision goes dark.
Huh. So this is death, its not as bad as everyone makes it sound to be. Kind of blank, kind of white everywhere. Really, not that bad, not that good. Suddenly a door opens up in the blank white room and a man wearing a Bowler Hat, with a crinkled tie and a silly straw sticking out of his shirt pocket appears, adjusting his glasses.
"Uhh... Miss Derpy?" he asks.
" Yes that's me." you respond
He takes out a pen and a clipboard and hands it to you.
"Could you please sign this for me?"
You take the pen and clipboard and begin sigining your signature.
"Yeah, the big gal upstairs says this package is for you. Pretty lucky if you ask me, the only thing is it only works if true love is present, so I hope that fellow of yours really likes ya, or ya might have to go with Phil, The Spectre of the Things Not Currently Living."
A Spooky Skeleton appears wearing a Sombreo and a Cloak appears next to the Office Man and gives you a wave. "YO."
You finish signing and give the pen and clipboard back to him, as he hands you a glove. Huh. Kind of weird but okay.
"So... where am I anyways?"
"Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, My name is Uriel, and this is Phil. You're in a mid transition point of Life and Death. Kind of like a train station, before you go to where you need to go. Because of your current situation, the boss wants to intervene and see if what is she is expecting is actually happening."
He pulls in closer to you and says behind his hand "Phil gave her the idea, he's a bit of a romantic one"
Phil covers his skeleton eyes as he begins sobbing. "I'm really pulling through for you two. I really hope you two live a happy and long life together."
Suddenly the glove in your hand begins glowing, and burning. Phil takes his sombreo and flings it up into the air. "YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I CALLED IT! 50 SMACKEROOS URIEL! YOU OWE ME!"
"Ahhh whats happening?"
Uriel takes your hands, as does Phil as they both smile at you.
"Something amazing" they say at the same time.
You come to....you look at Anon holding you.
As if something is compelling you behind all comprehension you stand up, and take his hand. Something seemed different, like, something had taken control of me. You hold his arm out intertwined with yours and make a gun sign with his hand, you do the same.
You can literally feel the energy of 10 million Kenyans rushing through your veins as you close your eyes.
"THESE BURNING HANDS OF OURS ARE BURNING RED, THEIR LOUD CRY TELLS US TO GRASP HAPPINESS. INVOKING. BURNING. FINGER. SEKIHA LOVE LOVE TENKYOKEN!
http://youtu.be/EkIJYrjUYyQ (for those who don't get the reference)
The entire Giant Vagina Metaphor crumbles from the massive amount of energy you and Anon exude. The Demon could be heard screaming. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM IMMOOOOOOOOOOORTAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It crumbles all around you, as you both hit the floot after floating a bit. YOur eyes go back to their normal Derpped state, and you collaspe in Anons arms. The entire cave is now brightly lit, seeing on how you just blew a hole right out the fucking thing.
"We did it, didn't we Anon?"
"Yeah... we did. We really did. Derpy.... I love."
You put your finger on his lips.
" I know." You put your hands around his neck as he stands up, and you kiss with a passion that made oceans crash into the shore, and a train go through a tunnel, and a volcano erupt.
You suddenly hear a voice.
'HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY Anyone down there? I think I hear voices, are you okay? There was an explosion here so you better get out of here quickly, get to my plane and I'll fly you to safety!"
You stare into Anons eyes, and he does with yours.
"Give it 5 more minutes!" you both cry out at the same time.
EPILOUGE TIME!
Be you
Be dressing in your room thinking back to your crazy jungle adventure with Anon. It had been 3 weeks since your crazy Amazon rainforest adventure. Your story ended up being publish by nature magazines and oddly enough That women's channel that middle aged women masterbait to.
You put on a polka dot shirt, as you slip a high sock with a low sock, and pull a striped skirt up your glistening body. It really doesn't matter anyway... they'll be off soon enough. You rush downstairs, and out the door.
Ah! There he is!
"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" you wave to him while running down the sidewalk. He's wearing a cardigan sweater vest, kahki pants, and a new manly side satchel, which is still a little bit gay, but whatever.
He opens his arms and you jump into them, and he spins you around as you kiss each other.
"Hey Anon, remember our adventure?" you say coyly in between kisses
"Yeah, how could I forget Derpy?"
"Well... I wanted to show you something, another rainforest..."
You curl your finger beckoning him to follow you. You take him to the edge of a forest about 20 ft away from the bus stop.
"Derpy, this isn't a rainforest." He says putting his hands on his hips giving you an "Oh You" look.
You take off your top, your skirt, your panties and throw them at him.
"Yeah, but this is." you say as you point to your eager womanhood
You eyes meet his, your tongues meet and you fall into the bushes, intertwined with one another.
Your eyes roll to the back of your head as you feel him inside of you, and you drift off into eternal bliss. I love you Anon...
He gives out a mighty Tarzan cry. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
the screen fades to black and the end credits play:
http://youtu.be/n8UuwHxw0rk
THE END
