Riddle of the Ages

by Phil Srobeighn

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 3017

Twilight Sparkle and Spike take a break from the Box of Harmony to solve a far more dangerous puzzle.

Twilight Sparkle is working hard on the secrets of the Box from the Tree of Harmony when Princess Celestia sends her a break in the form of candy and a riddle. Soon, she and her pony friends are wrapped up in a fabulous journey to solve the riddle before time runs out...

This is a story in no way as serious as it sounds above.

Published 2014-04-17 02:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-17 02:40:04 UTC

Laffy Taffy is a trademark of Nestlé

Princess Twilight Sparkle looked up from her diagram of the six-keyed box produced by the Tree of Harmony months ago. The sound of a belch followed by the sound of small, clawed footsteps was usually a welcome break, minus the occasional returned force of evil or pop quiz thinly veiled behind a friendly surprise visit. True to the normal pace, Spike walked in with a smile on his face, a letter in his hand, and... something bright yellow causing his cheek to bulge and drool to drip while being noisily masticated. "Spike, what are you eating?" the princess queried as she levitated the letter from her assistant's claw.

Before he could answer, a small, hard, wrapped object dropped from within the roll of the scroll, chattering on the floor. Twilight picked it up with her magical aura as her assistant enthusiastically explained, "Princess Celestia sent us taffy!"

"Well, I guess if the princess wants us to have some taffy, I'll give it a shot." She thoughtlessly tore the wrapper and discarded it, then placed the smooth, yellow confection in her mouth. As she slowly chewed the sweet treat, its slightly tart flavor causing her cheeks to pucker, she unfurled the note and read:

"My Dear Twilight:

I know you have been working very faithfully to unlock the mysteries of the box from the Tree of Harmony. As your long-time teacher, I am well aware of your predisposition to overlooking the necessity of a break. Please enjoy this taffy for a while - taffy is known for its chewiness, so you no doubt will need to slow down to eat it. I have provided my favorite flavor; hope you like bananas.

Your eternal friend,

Princess Celestia."

Twilight nodded at her mentor's wisdom. Indeed, she was still chewing the banana-flavored confection, though Spike's draconic teeth and flame-enabling oral biology had made short work of it before he returned to his chores. She sighed out a breath she had not realized she was keeping in and checked to see if there was anything else to the letter.

"P.S.: Do not thoughtlessly tear the wrapper and discard it. There is a question on it, try to answer without peeking."

Twilight stopped chewing for a moment. Drat. Where was that wrapper? She set down the letter and rummaged through the wastebasket. In it, she found the torn wrapper and, after straightening a few wrinkles, read the simple question:

"How do you get down off a unicorn?"

Twilight blinked. What sort of question was that? How do you get down off a unicorn? Why would anyone be on a unicorn in the first place? It was very rare for a pony to ride another pony, but her experience in the human world had led her to understand that other types of beings considered equines a highly favorable genus for riding. To be sure, though, she checked the wrapper for a price or manufacturer's logo to confirm the origin, carefully avoiding lifting the center crease in the packaging that concealed the answer. She sadly discarded the Exotic Origin Hypothesis when she noticed that the wrapper gave a price in bits.

Never deterred from discovering an answer, she decided to start from a new point of view. Humans riding ponies came to her when she thought of why she would ever ride a unicorn, so when was the last time anyone rode on her? She remembered the Summer Sun Celebration, carrying Spike to Ponyville from Canterlot in a hurry. An idea sprung to mind: Spike, her baby dragon assistant, riding on her back as many babies would with their parents! Twilight herself had ridden a unicorn for years as games she would play with her BBBFF. This would be easy to analyze! "Spike!" she called.

Spike came in, feather duster still in hand. "Yeah, Twilight?"

"I need you to get on my back, as if you were going to ride on me."

Spike looked at her quizzically.

"Spike! This is part of an experiment that Princess Celestia has assigned to us?"

"Really?"

"Well... technically it is to answer a question on the taffy wrapper that Princess Celestia suggested I try to answer. Still, it's important!"

Spike sighed in compliance. "Fine, if it gets me out of dusting for a while." He carefully climbed around the alicorn's wings and positioned himself onto her back. "Now what?"

"I want you to get off of my back."

Spike turned and raised his eyebrow, as if someone was watching the affair from the side and he wanted to say, "The things I put up with." He climbed down a little less carefully. "Okay, is that all?"

"Now, I need you to tell me how you got off of me."

"Huh? What do you mean? I just shifted my weight and dropped."

Twilight pondered this idea. "No, it can't be that simple. This is supposed to be interesting, or else they wouldn't print it."

Spike shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you. Other than maneuvering around your wings, there's nothing to it."

Twilight's eyes lit up. "Of course! As an alicorn, I'm a poor test subject! Spike, let's head to Carousel Boutique!"

Spike raised a claw, unsure of whether to tell her that it was honestly not different from when she was a unicorn or question if it was really worth worrying, but then thought better of it. Getting out of chores and getting to see Rarity was always worth it.

The pair arrived at the Boutique, and finding the store closed, knocked on the door. "Coming!" Rarity's voice sang out from behind the door. Soon, with a flourish of the unicorn's aura, the door opened. "Oh, hello Twilight, Spikey-wikey. What beings you two to my humble abode?"

Twilight earnestly answered, "I'd like Spike to ride you. It's for a science experiment."

Rarity slammed the door on Twilight's muzzle. Spike stifled a giggle.

"Wait! Rarity! What did I say?"

Rarity cautiously opened the door. "Twilight, you know perfectly well that Spike is a barely out of being a baby drake, and though his age by our reckoning may grant him to be legally of the age of consent, we have determined between the three of us that it is best if he become closer to a draconic biological age of maturity, both physically and mentally, before taking any actions on any curiosity and desire we- er, that is, the little gentledragon might feel."

Twilight stepped back, aghast. "Wait, what!? No! I mean to say I want Spike to mount you!"

Spike covered his mouth to conceal how much he was humored.

"I mean, no! It has nothing to do with Spike! You can use your sister!"

Spike lost it. He fell over onto the ground, laughing.

"Young drake," Rarity admonished, "while I am sure that 'getting' this sort of innuendo, as it were, is a sign of your adolescence, it is not helping the case for your maturity in the long run."

Spike looked up, coughed, stood, and dusted himself off. "Sorry, m'lady. That was quite unbecoming."

"Quite. Now, it is obvious by our dear friend Twilight's flustered situation that she is innocent of any such base concepts in the request."

Twilight nodded, blushing.

"Very well. I see that you only mean to ask a simple request, but, pray tell, why?"

"The princess sent me a letter. Nothing serious, but it was meant to pique my interest, in it has worked. I am looking into the physics of dismounting a unicorn and need to rule out any major differences between unicorn and alicorn physiology."

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "The princess asked you about this?"

Twilight nodded, then covered her mouth with a hoof. "Not the alicorn part! I'm just looking into the unicorn part of the question and didn't want my wings to play a factor."

Rarity looked at Spike, her lips twitching as if to curl up. Spike stared at her knowingly, trying hard not to reciprocate the behavior that had just been chastised. Once they made eye contact, though, all bets were off. "Very well, Twilight," Rarity said, obviously trying to keep a straight face. "Do you know if he prefers to go bareback, or if pony wears the saddle?"

Spike was on the floor in laughter again, this time with encouraging giggles from the object of his affection.

Twilight sighed and picked up Spike in her telekinetic grasp. "Come on Spike, we'll find someone else." She walked off with the dragon in tow.

"Wait!" Rarity called. "I'll help! Just tell me if I need to get a bit and some reins!" She gave a good guffaw as her friends walked off.

Twilight sighed. "Well, that didn't get us anywhere." The duo wandered into town, trying to formulate a plan. Together, they reached the market square, where they soon walked near enough to the Sweet Apple Acres wagon for Applejack to spot them.

"Howdy Twi, Spike!" the farmpony greeted the duo. "What brings y'all to market with such a glum face?"

"Twilight's stuck on a bit of a research project," Spike commented.

Twilight added, "I'm trying to determine what properties of dismounting a unicorn are unique."

Applejack gave Twilight a quizzical look. “Now where in Equestria did ya come up with a research project like that?”

Spike crossed his arms and huffed, “A taffy wrapper.”

Applejack shifted. “Don’t they just print the answers on the inside of those things?”

Twilight held up the wrapper. “They do,” she said, “Princess Celestia wanted me to try to answer without peeking.”

Spike nodded. “We’ve already tried me getting off of Twilight, and we even asked Rarity for help.”

Applejack put her hoof across Twilight’s neck. “Now listen here,” Applejack assured her, “You’ve done your darndest to try to solve the riddle honestly. I think the princess would rather you look then go on frettin’ yourself ‘bout it.”

Twilight sighed. “You’re right, AJ. I’ve done my best. I’ll just look for the answer.” When Twilight opened the wrapper enough to see, though, she realized that she had split the packaging right along the answer text, rendering it impossible to read.

“Bummer,” moaned Spike as Twilight showed the wrapper to Applejack and him.

Applejack sighed, “Well, best I can guess is you can go find someone who’s had some experience ridin’ a unicorn. I wonder where Sweetie Drops is…”

Twilight pondered this for a moment, then her eyes widened as an idea struck her. "Applejack, you're an excellent rodeo athlete! Have you ever had to ride a unicorn in a competition?"

"A unicorn?" the cowfilly repeated contemplatively. "Don't reckon I have, Sugarcube. Rode plenty bulls, though."

Twilight considered this. "I'll guess," the alicorn mused, "that because bulls also have horns, that the properties are similar. Tell me, Applejack, how do you get off the bull?"

Applejack snorted and blushed, "Shoot, Twi, you remember how I did at the Equestria Rodeo Championship. I haven't rode a bull eight seconds in all my days."

"I don't follow you," Twilight said, frowning.

Spike chimed in, "She means, Twilight, that she doesn't get off the bull willingly."

"Frightful thing every time, too. I've gotten so many scrapes and bruises bein' thrown off a bull that I couldn't count 'em. I count it lucky, with all the farm work I have to do, that I ain't broken any bones. That's probably why I don't do so well: I never ride the bull 'less I gotta."

Twilight sulked a little. "So you've never ridden a bull otherwise?"

Applejack nodded. "Love to help you though, if I can."

A lavender hoof met a lavender chin pensively. "Yes, Spike rode you in the Iron Pony games. If we fashioned a makeshift unicorn horn, I'm sure we could get some data."

Applejack thought for a moment, then untied her mane and wrapped the band around her hat. She then grabbed a stick used for caramel apples and attached it to the hat with the band. "How's that?" she asked as she put the hat back on.

"Looks good," Twilight admitted. "Spike?"

"Alright, I'll give it a shot." He climbed up on the orange mare's back.

"Ready?" asked Applejack.

"What?" asked Spike, "To get do-"

Applejack bucked him off as hard as she could, sending him flying into the air.

"Applejack!" Twilight said in a panic, "He was supposed to get down!"

"Oh... right." Applejack lowered her still-augmented hat in shame. "Sorry, I guess all this talk about bull ridin' made me forget the purpose of the experiment."

Twilight shook her head and galloped off to find where Spike landed. Applejack called after her, "Tell Spike I'm mighty sorry!"

Spike, it turns out, had landed on the doorstop of Sugarcube Corner, nearly knocking over a Pinkie Pie returning from walking Gummy. "Of course," Pinkie recounted when Twilight had caught up with the over-bucked drake, "I had just had a twitch-a-twitch of my tail, so I knew to watch out! Poor Spike, though, was banged up and sad, so that's why I gave him this!"

The visibly undamaged dragon whelp happily held up a half-finished caramel-and-onyx malted milkshake with extra whipped cream.

"I hope you don't mind, I didn't want to ruin his appetite by giving him too much food," Pinkie continued. "But then I thought, 'why would it ruin his appetite, a milkshake is a drink!' But then I thought, 'but it's made with onyx and ice cream! What if it is food?' But then I thought, 'nobody says you "eat a milkshake!"' But then I thought, 'in restaurants, you see them with desserts!' But then I thought, 'but you use a straw!' But by that time, I had already made the shake, and given it to him, and you came in. So what is it, Twilight, dessert, or drink?"

"Drink," said the Ever-Wise Princess of Books. "If you feel like you're eating something, it's far too thick."

"I thought so," Pinkie said smugly, having won the argument with herself. "So!" she said, chipper again, "Why did Spike decide to 'drop in?'"

"Applejack bucked him off of her during an experiment gone wrong," Twilight explained. "By the way, Spike, she apologizes."

Spike grinned, "Are you kidding? After getting this malt, I should thank her!"

Twilight rolled her eyes, but smiled.

"So what was Spike doing on her back anyway?" asked Pinkie.

"Twilight had me up there to try to solve a question she found on a taffy wrapper," Spike summarized.

"Oooh!" Pinkie squealed. "I know just the type! They all have clever little questions to stimulate the brain!"

"Well, this one's a doozy," Twilight sighed. "Maybe you've seen it, though, if you're familiar with the brand. It asked for an explanation of unicorn dismounting techniques."

Pinkie frowned. "That doesn't sound like a taffy wrapper to me, Twilight. What did it say exactly?"

Twilight recited, "How do you get down off a unicorn?"

Pinkie's squinted eyes opened, her mouth curled up, and she started snorting and giggling. "Oh Twilight, that's the oldest one in the book! How can you not know it?"

Twilight looked stunned. "What, what do you mean? Pinkie, tell me the answer!"

Pinkie shook her head with a smile, "Nope, you've got to find this one out on your own. I'll give you a hint, though: Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are at the spa today. Go ask them. The answer is closer than you think." With that, Pinkie Pie gave the alicorn a playful shove to the door. "Don't worry about Spike, I'll make sure he goes home after he's done."

Twilight looked disappointed, but turned with resolve towards the spa. As she left, she heard a hearty laugh from the sweets shop behind her, as apparently Pinkie had let Spike in on the answer to her conundrum.

Aloe and Lotus knew the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony very well, as their best client was one and rarely visited without another in tow, so when Twilight arrived, they led her to the room where Rainbow and Fluttershy were currently sitting on small clouds, preening themselves after a soothing treatment.

Rainbow perked up at the sight of the princess. "Hey Twi, what brings you to the spa? Need a break from studying the mystery box?"

Twilight bounced her head back in forth, as if to both nod confirmation and shake her head in a negative at the same time. "Sort of. Princess Celestia already provided a break for me, but in so doing she left me with a riddle to solve. Pinkie said that you two would be best able to help, although she claims to know the answer."

"That's odd," mused Fluttershy, "but if that's what she said, we'd be happy to help." She and Rainbow Dash scooted to the edge of their clouds in anticipation.

"Mind you, this came from a taffy wrapper," Twilight warned. "The question is this: how do you get down off a unicorn?"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and went back to preening. Fluttershy giggled softly and teased, "Honestly, I think Pinkie's wrong. You'd be the best pony I know to answer that problem." She gave a knowing smile.

Twilight may have steamed, or perhaps it was only the sauna. Either way, she was clearly frustrated. "I'm not!? Why can't I get an answer!? Why can't anyone just tell me how you get down off a unicorn!?"

Rainbow Dash didn't even look up from the underside of her wing. "You don't," she deadpanned, turning her attention to the soft feathers underneath her wing.

"You don't?" Twilight asked, stunned.

Rainbow Dash nodded, smirked, and spit out the fine feathers she had been preening. They spun in the air before catching a current and floating softly to land on the tip of the confused alicorn's nose. Twilight stared at the feathers. Then, for a moment, her eyes widened in understanding, before closing and being covered as she put her face in her hoof.

"You don't get down off a unicorn," she said dejectedly. "You get down off a pegasus."