And now for something (not so) completely different
As the majestic moose known as Mr. Link sat in his armchair in his living room in his house in his hometown of Baltimare, he sensed a story in the works by the almighty author. With no hesitation whatsoever, he reached to the microphone-like device which sat upon his coffee table and put it up to his mouth.
(And now, the epic conclusion to the MLP: FiM x Monty Python trilogy. Although, it’s technically a prequel to the others since it features Twilight and Celestia heading to Everfree Castle before the lavender princess and Discord started pulling pranks together. Speaking of which, I’m thinking the readers won’t enjoy this story as much since human flesh puppets aren't used in it. Maybe it’d be better if-)
”Mr. Link?
(Yes?)
”Shut up and do your job.”
(Fine, whatever. Our story begins with Princesses Twilight and Celestia, Prince/Ex-Guard Captain Shining Armor, and a sleeping Spike riding the Royal Chariot to Everfree Castle for Twilight’s upcoming housewarming party. Celestia has bestowed upon Twilight said castle, and sees fit to-)
”Whoa whoa whoa there, Mr. Link; ‘show don’t tell’, remember?”
(Right, sorry.)
“I’m still having a hard time picturing myself running an entire kingdom,” Twilight stated, holding a golden-shod hoof to her forehead, overwhelmed at the very thought. “Are you sure I’m even fit to rule?”
Celestia turned to her former student sitting next to her and smiled warmly. “A kingdom fully matured and prosperous? No, I don’t. The Everfree region, however, is anything but matured or prosperous, so you’ll have plenty of time to learn and grow as it does alongside you.” Her smile turned coy. “Not to mention, you’ll have plenty of time to study the Tree of Harmony now that you’ll be living right atop it.”
Twilight’s eyes sparkled in response. “Yeah, that’ll be exciting.” She stared off into space, a dopey smile spread across her muzzle.
“Haha, that’s my Twiley,” Shining Armor laughed, playfully nudging his little sister, snapping her back to reality. “I have to admit, when I first learned about this I had my doubts. A lot of them, actually.” Shining rolled his eyes while Twilight pouted in response. “But Princess Celestia makes a good point; you’re still young, and there’s still plenty of time left for you to grow to become a great leader.”
Twilight’s pout dissolved. “You’re right,” she smiled and playfully nudged her brother back. “By the way, Cadence is still coming to the party, right?”
“Of course she is,” he replied. “Though, I don’t know why she didn’t show up at the take off point along with us.” He tapped his chin. “Come to think of it, Princess Luna was missing too.”
“Oh, I’m sure they’re both fine,” Celestia said, shifting her eyes as her coy smile doubled in size.
“If you say so, princess,” Shining replied, then returned his attention to Twilight. “Getting back to the prior topic, you can always come to myself and Cadence or Princesses Celestia and Luna for support or advice if you start doubting your capability to rule.” He smiled. “Trust me, it’s not so much hard as it is grueling, what with the paperwork, whiny nobles, and especially the annoying servants always eager to bend over backwards if it’ll please you.”
“I can vouch for him on all three of those things,” Celestia affirmed. “Believe both of us, Twilight; everything will be ok-”
A giant foot from above stomped on them, driving the chariot and its occupants into the ground below.
”What the!?” Lt. Gravels said in surprise, lifting his foot up to examine the ground upon which he’d stepped. ”Oh, it’s just ponies. Whew, for a second there I thought I’d crushed some of my followers.”
Satisfied, the god of chickens took a moment to stretch before shooting off into space, intent on harvesting the Poultronic Empire for his fast food chain.
“Ugh,” Celestia groaned, rubbing her head. She blearily took stock of her surroundings, thankful that nopony appeared to be hurt, though the Royal Chariot had been half-buried into the ground.
“What happened?” Shining Armor asked, rising to his hooves and using his magic to assist the pegasus guards whom pulled the chariot in getting up too.
Celestia looked up to the sky, scowling. “Divine intervention,” she stated, calm but serious.
“Figures something like this would happen,” Twilight grumpily said, eyebrows furrowed as she got to her own hooves. “I’m just surprised we’re relatively unharmed despite being-” She didn’t finish talking as she had a sudden realization, to which she went wide-eyed with concern. “Wait, where’s Spike!?”
Everypony frantically swiveled their heads looking for the baby drake before turning to the chariot wreckage half-buried in the ground.
“Spike!” Twilight shouted. She rushed to the downed carriage and telekinetically lifted it out of the ground. She then looked within the crushed luggage space, only to recoil in fright upon seeing a metal scrap lodged within Spike’s gut.
“. . . No,” Twilight’s lip quivered. “No!” Tears streamed down her face as she fell to her knees and bawled her eyes out. “Oh, Spike, you were more than my number one assistant; you were my son! A son I was too young to legally have when I hatched you, but I still loved you as if you were my own flesh and blood! And now you’re dead! DEAD!” She buried her face in her hooves and wept.
“Um, I’m not quite dead, Twilight.”
The lavender alicorn instantly turned her head up to see Spike staring blankly at the metal lodged in his stomach.
“Spike?” she said dumbly. “You’re okay?”
The baby dragon turned to her and smiled. “I feel fine.”
“Are you sure?” Twilight leaned forward and inspected his person. “Absolutely sure?”
“I think I can pull through.” Spike looked back to the metal scrap in his gut. “Just get this piece of junk out of me.”
Twilight complied and quickly used her magic to unlodge the metal scrap before tossing it aside and levitating Spike out of the downed carriage.
“Thanks Twi,” he said, taking a moment to stretch before asking, “so, how long was I asleep?”
Twilight didn’t answer, instead squeezing the life out of her assistant in a bear hug enhanced by her (incredibly underused) earth pony strength.
“Oh Spike,” she said, a tear forming in her eye, “I’m so glad you’re safe.”
“I’m *gasp* glad *gasp* too,” Spike choked out. Twilight eventually lessened her grip on him, and he immediately drew in a huge breath. It was then that Spike noticed the crushed wreckage of the Royal Chariot.
“What the heck happened to us!?” he practically shouted.
“We were grounded by one Lt. Gravels,” Celestia said darkly.
“Who?” Spike asked.
Celestia waved a dismissive hoof. “That isn't important.” She turned to look at the dense foliage of the overgrown Everfree that surrounded them. “What is important, however, is navigating our way through this overgrown salad bowl to Everfree Castle.”
“I agree, princess,” Shining Armor said with a nod, then turned to the pegasus guards. “Okay you guys, fly up and scout ahead. Find out which direction my sister’s new castle is in.”
The four guards saluted and took off into the forest’s canopy, quickly disappearing from sight. A few minutes later, during which time Celestia lamented over the loss of her beloved Royal Chariot while the others comforted her, the guards returned with good news.
“Good news, sir,” one of them said, “we’re little more than a few miles from the castle.”
“Thank you, private,” Shining Armor said with a nod.
“Sergeant,” the guard corrected him.
“Whatever.”
“Another thing,” another one of the guards said, “while we’re relatively close to the destination, the canopy from here to there is extremely thick so we couldn’t gauge our immediate route’s threat level.”
“I see,” Shining said. He looked down in thought for a moment before pointing to two of the guards. “You two bring up the rear and keep my sister, Princess Celestia, and Spike safe.” The two guards saluted and made way behind the aforementioned three. “The rest of us will take point and keep our eyes peeled for hazards, as well as stay on course for the castle. Do I make myself clear!?”
“Sir yes sir!” all four pegasi replied resolutely.
“Then let’s move out!”
(And so the group resumed their journey to reach Everfree Castle on hoof. Along the way, Princess Celestia saw fit to tutor young Twilight in the ways of kingdom rulership, to which there was much rejoicing from the lavender princess.)
“And that, my faithful former student, is the most effective method for keeping your mane intact when dealing with spoiled nobles,” Celestia told her fellow princess.
“This new info amazes me, princess,” Twilight replied with a beaming grin. “Now, explain again how we’re to catch Queen Chrysalis and put an end to her love hotel scam?”
“Certainly,” Celestia replied back, clearing her throat. “Well, we-”
“Look, princess!” Shining Armor called from up front.
Both Celestia and Twilight turned their heads to him, only to retrain their collective gaze on what he and all the guards were staring at. Just a few meters in front of the group was an entire row of trees ripped apart, several fragments of their trunks scattered around the forest floor along with multitudes of shredded fallen leaves.
“W-w-what could’ve c-c-caused this?” Spike stuttered, his teeth chattering.
“Knowing the Everfree, lots of things,” Twilight stated with a concerned frown.
“Indeed,” Celestia agreed with a nod, her expression neutral. She looked back to Shining Armor. “What do you suggest we do, Shining Armor?”
The ex-guard captain tapped his chin for a moment. “We’ll keep moving,” he looked to the guards, “but remain extra cautious.”
The guards all nodded in agreement, and the group resumed their journey. More and more destruction greeted them along the way, and as they saw more it gradually became more apparent that the trees had been bitten through, meaning whatever monster had destroyed them boasted a mouth full of sharp teeth big enough to clamp around an entire tree trunk. Such a thought only served to further frighten Spike, and the constant sound of his chattering teeth served to irritate Twilight.
“Spike, I can understand why you’re scared.” Twilight turned to her frightened assistant on her back. “And while you aren’t the only one, could you please cut the chattering?”
“The only thing that’ll calm me down is if we have something that’ll protect us from whatever’s destroying these trees at the ready.”
The entire group stopped in their tracks and turned to stare at the baby dragon, deadpanned expressions adorning all their faces.
“. . . What?” Spike sheepishly asked.
Twilight levitated her assistant off her back and leveled a furrowed gaze down at him, to which he shrunk back a bit.
“Are you saying that two alicorn princesses, a quartet of guards, and the most powerful shield magic user in Equestria aren’t enough to make you feel safe?” Twilight asked, a hint of anger in her tone.
“Well, um.” Spike sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Maybe if I had a weapon of some kind?”
Shining Armor rolled his eyes. “Just pick up a stick and quit complaining.”
Spike scowled and stomped his foot. “I’m serious!” he huffed. “I need something for myself to feel safe, like a sword or a club or something.”
One of the guards snorted out a laugh. “Right, and I suppose we’ll just coincidentally come across a shop that sells those things way out here, right?” he asked with obvious sarcasm.
“Over here, strangers.”
Everyone simultaneously jumped in surprise at the new voice which emanated just in front of them. They turned as one to see a pony wearing a dark turquoise cloak and a blue scarf standing among the fallen trees, his eyes a deep brown and seemingly fixed in a neutral gaze as he stared at everyone in the group all at once.
“What the- who the heck are you!?” Twilight practically shouted.
“Got somethin’ that might interest ya!” the hooded pony replied with a chuckle, ignoring Twilight’s question. He then nudged open his cloak, revealing a vast assortment of melee weapons, explosives, and healing sprays.
Celestia, Twilight, Shining and the guards stared slack-jawed at the collection, while Spike’s eyes sparkled at the sight. Eventually, Twilight snapped out of her stupor and shot the strange pony a furrowed gaze.
“You still haven’t answered my question,” she stated. “Who are you?”
The pony closed up his cloak. “I . . . am a merchant,” he answered.
Celestia tilted her head. “By what name are you known?” she asked.
“There are some who call me . . . Kim,” he stoically replied. He then furrowed his own eyes at Twilight. “You’re all journeying to Everfree Castle to throw young Twilight a housewarming party.”
Everyone looked to one another wide-eyed in surprise before returning their collective gaze to the enigmatic pony before them.
“That is what we’re doing,” Celestia admitted. “You know much that is hidden, Kim.”
“Quite.”
“Yeah yeah yeah,” Spike said as he approached Kim and pointed to his cloak. “How much for one of those cool-looking weapons?”
“Spike!” Twilight shouted, and used her magic to pull the baby dragon back to her. “You are not getting a weapon!”
“Oh, come on, Twilight!” Spike whined. He then adorned his best ‘puppy dog eyes’ expression and pouted his lips to be as diabetes-inducing as possible for a dragon his age and stature. “Please?”
“I’m sorry, but the answer is still no, Spike,” Twilight replied, now wearing a blindfold to protect her eyes from her assistant. Thanks Pinkie, this is definitely a ‘blindfold emergency’.
Spike groaned and muttered something unintelligible under his breath.
Celestia tapped her chin in thought before turning to the merchant. “Kim, would you care to escort us to wherever the monster's lair is?” She smiled warmly. “We will, of course, pay for such a service should you accept.”
Shining Armor and the guards turned to the solar alicorn in surprise. “For what reason would we want to do that, your highness?” Shining Armor asked.
“It's clear to me that Kim is knowledgeable of whatever monster's tearing apart the Everfree if his willingness to stick by its trail of destruction is anything to go by,” she replied without turning to face him, keeping her eyes trained on the merchant. “Such a mercilessly destructive creature will only cause Princess Twilight problems in the future, so it must be removed by any means necessary.”
“. . . Sounds good to me,” Shining stated. He turned to look at his sister and her assistant. “How about you two?”
“I’m okay with the idea as long as Kim stays away from Spike,” Twilight stated, facing away from him due to her blindfold.
Shining took a moment to remove it with his magic, to which Twilight sheepishly faced the correct way, before turning to Spike. “And you, Spike?” he asked him.
Spike furrowed his eyebrows briefly before letting out a defeated sigh and nodding his head in agreement.
“Very well,” Celestia said, and turned back to Kim the merchant. “What say you, Kim? Will you take us to this monster's lair?”
“Is the unladen swallow’s airspeed velocity a completely non-sequitur question?”
All the ponies and Spike looked puzzled. “Uh, come again?” Twilight asked him.
Kim chuckled. “Yes, I can and will take you to the monster's lair.”
Celestia smiled and bowed her head. “Thank you very much, Kim.”
He nodded sagely in response and gestured with his head behind him. “Follow.”
He then turned around and began walking deeper into the trees, to which the group proceeded to follow him as instructed. “BUT!” He suddenly turned around with a fierce expression, causing everyone else to flinch and, in Twilight and Spike’s case, fall hard onto their rears. “Only if y’all be creatures of valor, for the beast that stalks this forest, cutting down its trees is so foul, so cruel, that nopony yet has fought with it and lived!”
Everyone just stared wide-eyed at him with blank expressions, though the fertile seeds of both fear and excitement were beginning to take root in their minds as Kim continued talking.
“Two hundred and fifty six skeletons lie strewn about its lair!” He leveled a fiery gaze at the group. “So, yon travelers if you doubt your courage or strength come no further, for death hunts the foalish with nasty, big, pointy teeth!”
The group continued staring in silence as Kim made a series of hoof gestures in front of his mouth, likely to pantomime what would become of those misfortunate enough to be caught by the monster.
Finally, the silence was broken when one of the guards leaned over and whispered to another one. “I told you we should’ve called in sick this morning.”
~Meanwhile, somewhere less absurd . . . okay, not so much ‘less’ but still!~
Lt. Gravels was in the middle of shoving a robotic eggman’s head down a toilet with his poultrinesis powers when he was overcome by a strange sensation that felt like an invisible hand guiding his will.
”I sense a disturbance in the plot,” he muttered before letting go of the eggman and shooting off into space back toward Equestria.
~Meanwhile, back at the disturbed plot~
The enigmatic merchant named Kim hadn’t led the group for more than ten minutes, all while the path of destroyed trees seemed to follow alongside with no foreseeable end, when he suddenly halted in his tracks to which the others followed suit.
“Wait,” he said, and ducked down behind some bushes, to which the group once again followed his example and hid alongside him.
“Is something wrong, Kim?” Celestia asked him, head tilted.
Kim pointed forward. “That’s the monster’s lair,” he stated coolly.
Everyone followed his gaze ahead to see a medium-sized clearing just ahead of them. Strewn about the clearing, to most of their horror, were countless bones still crimson-stained with blood. The group stared wide-eyed at the post-massacre for several moments in silence before Shining Armor eventually spoke up.
“Right, somepony keep me covered.” He brandished his sword and held it out in front with his magic.
“Sure thing sir,” one of the guards said, which was followed by “okay, which one of us has nothing left to live for?” in a hushed whisper.
Shining Armor just rolled his eyes and was about to head into the clearing when Kim blocked him with a hoof. “Too late,” the merchant pony said in a panicked whisper.
“What?” Shining Armor replied, looking around in confusion. “Where is it?”
“There.” Kim pointed far into the clearing. Everyone craned their necks and leaned forward, catching glimpse of a familiar, spoiled rabbit belonging to a certain butterscotch pegasus as it hopped into view from behind a log.
Celestia tilted her head in confusion. “What, is it the rabbit?” she asked.
“It’s behind the rabbit,” Kim answered.
“. . . You silly sod!” Spike practically shouted.
Kim turned to the trembling baby dragon. "What?"
Spike pointed a shaking claw at Angel. “That’s no ordinary rabbit! It’s the most foul-tempered rodent in the history of forever! We need to turn back now!”
“Look at the bones!” Kim exclaimed. “Do you honestly expect me to believe a wee bunny rabbit is more deadly than a monster that can slaughter hundreds of chickens and pick their skeletons clean of meat?”
“You’ve never met a rabbit like Angel,” Spike replied with a shudder.
“Oh bah!” Kim rolled his eyes. “If you’re such a scaredy dragon I’ll take care of the rodent myself!”
“Are you crazy!?” Spike shouted in panic.
“Spike,” Twilight calmly stated. “Let’s not be so hasty.”
“Yeah,” Shining Armor agreed with a nod. “After all, how much harm could a single rabbit do?”
“One fuzzy slipper coming right up!” Kim brandished a taser from within his cloak and marched into the field up to Angel Bunny, who leveled an icy glare at him. “Listen you little vermin, I don’t know what you might’ve done to make that overgrown lizard so scared of you, but I can guarantee that you’re nothing compared to the real monster that lives here and where did you get that baseball bat from just now-AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Sweet Celestia!” one of the guards exclaimed.
Said solar alicorn didn’t bother to ask what such a phrase implied as she, along with everyone else, was too busy staring up into the sky at the rapidly shrinking form of Kim. They kept staring long after he disappeared from view in the sky, which was signaled by a brief twinkle of light, before turning their attention back to Angel Bunny.
“I warned him!” Spike shouted.
“I think I just tinkled in my armor,” one of the guards said. Such an admission failed to elicit a single reply from everyone else, who were still too shocked to do anything other than stare wide-eyed at Angel.
Spike continued. “I warned him, but did he listen to me!? Oh no. No one ever listens to me, do they? It’s always the same with everyone older than me, always thinking they know everything and that I’m just a naïve little child, huh? Well, look who turned out to be right this time-”
“Oh, shut up!” Shining Armor shouted, having recovered from his shock. He turned to Princess Celestia. “Your highness, can you take care of that rodent?”
“Wha? Oh, um . . .” Celestia scrunched her face in thought for a moment before smiling slyly. She then marched into the clearing a little ways away from Angel and charged up her horn.
“Power of gating!” she called, and all around her a plethora of multi colored orbs appeared. With a wave of her head, they careened towards Angel Bunny who jumped in panic and began madly hopping away. It was no use, however, as the orbs quickly congregated around him and entrapped the spoiled rabbit in a cage of light which quickly solidified into a physical steel cage. Angel began pounding against and shaking the bars like mad, but no matter what he did the cage wouldn’t give; he was trapped well and good.
“Yes!” Twilight cheered from back in the bushes. “You rule, Princess Celestia!”
Celestia turned back around to face the group, a slight blush adorning her cheeks. “Oh, it was nothing really,” she said bashfully. "Just something I picked up from an acquaintance."
“Alright, let’s get a move on,” Shining Armor said.
“Wait a minute,” one of the guards replied, drawing everyone’s attention. “Aren’t we forgetting something?”
“Like what?” Twilight asked him.
“Didn’t Kim say the monster was behind the rabbit?”
Everyone stared blankly in response before slowly turning their heads back to the clearing. Behind Celestia and the caged Angel Bunny, towering over and looking hungrily down upon them both, was a two-horned creature with bat wing-like ears, putrid green skin, over a dozen eyes, and an open mouth full of razor sharp teeth with saliva running out.
(How exactly did they miss seeing that thing, author?
”I don’t pay you to ask questions, Mr. Link.”
(Since when do you pay me?)
”Since right now.”
(Really!?)
”Not anymore, no.”
(Crap.)
“Run away!” one of the guards shouted and immediately took off running, to which everyone else followed suit with Celestia teleporting Angel's cage away before hurrying after them.
"Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!"
The beast immediately took chase. Despite having such an unusual body shape it managed to keep up with them surprisingly well. Each step it took was clearly audible to the ponies and dragon, and whenever its footfalls got louder the group added a little extra burst of speed to their own steps. Eventually, the group’s escape was halted when they reached a rock cliff face too steep to climb.
“Great, now what?” Twilight asked between panting breaths.
“I can’t produce a cage big enough to capture that thing,” Celestia said with obvious dread. “Even if I could, I doubt it’d hold that thing back given how much it’s already destroyed.”
“It’s charging right at us!” Spike shouted in panic.
The others turned around to see that, indeed, the beast was charging straight at them. With great lumbering steps it was quickly closing the distance between it and the group, any trees that got in its way being trampled underfoot with ease.
“Oh no you don’t!” Shining Armor yelled furiously. He quickly charged up his horn and summoned an enormous shield which completely enclosed the group against the rock wall.
The beast continued with its charge, not slowing down whatsoever in response to Shining Armor’s spell. It struck against the shield hard and fast, head first and smack dab in its center. The shield held strong at first, but the beast wasn’t deterred and continued its assault against it with unrelenting force, to which each blow increasingly weakened the shield.
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up,” Shining Armor said after a few minutes, sweat pouring from his brow as his legs buckled from all the strain of keeping the shield intact.
“What do we do, Celestia!?” Twilight asked the solar alicorn as she turned to face her.
Celestia was about to tell her student to stop coming to her for answers when the shield finally shattered. Shining Armor fell in an exhausted heap as the beast reared back for one final charge.
”. . . 1 . . .”
“What was that?” Spike asked.
”. . . 2 . . .”
One of the guards’ ears perked up. “It kind of sounds like-”
”. . . 5!”
Right as the beast began its final charge a small, round object fell from the sky right by its feet. A split second later there was a tremendous explosion which blew the beast into sizable chunks, sending them flying through the air in all directions. A couple pieces, both part of the head, flew towards the group but were halted by both Twilight and Celestia’s magic. The rest of the pieces continued on their respective courses, eventually landing among the nearby trees. Where the beast once stood there was nothing but a medium-sized crater in the ground; streaks of blood coating the dirt around, and even down inside of, it.
A permeable silence descended upon the group for what felt like hours, but was really only about ten seconds, before it was broken by Twilight.
“What just happened?” she asked, a hint of nervousness in her tone.
”The Holy H. Grenade found a use is what happened, Twilight Sparkle,” thundered a godly voice from above.
Everyone in the group turned skywards, only to go slack-jawed yet again at what they saw. From within a giant cloud window the godly, hyper-realistic face of Lt. Gravels smiled down upon them. His wrinkled face sported a magnificent white beard and his head a short mane of identical color, both of which flowed in a similar ethereal breeze to the royal sisters’ mane/tails.
“You saved us?” Celestia asked.
The shameless parody rolled his eyes. ”Don’t think I did it to make up for stomping you earlier,” he replied callously. ”I only did it to avenge my followers whom were eaten by that overgrown shit-pickle-stain Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh.”
“Well, um . . .” Spike sheepishly said, rubbing the back of his head. “Thanks anyway, I guess?”
”Whatever,” Lt. Gravels replied, and the cloud window shut.
Shining Armor, now recovered, stood up and turned to the group. “Who else is thinking of taking calming narcotics after this?” he asked.
Six hooves and one clawed hand instantly raised.
Author's Note
And thus concludes the Monty Python x MLP: FiM trilogy. What began as nothing more than an idle little one shot has become something much greater because you gave it your love and support which I'm thankful for to no end.
I hope you all enjoyed it!
:D
