"Aaah god!" I screamed as Fluffle popped up in my window. "Fucking hell!" I jumped up from my desk and charged over. I threw open the window and stared at her as she spat my mail into my house. "Fluffle, what!?"
"Ppppffft."
"Yes hello, did you need something?"
Fluffle just stared at me, wobbling as she held onto the windowsill. "Ppppft."
I leaned out the window, spotting the mailmare holding her up. "God damn it, I was like, how the fuck are you up here!"
"Hi- Dan...." Ditzy grunted as she tried to hold the pink fluff ball up. "You had a bunch of le-tters."
I glared at Fluffle. "Get off her!" I grabbed the long haired mare and pulled her inside.
She let out a gleeful squeal as I carried her down stairs. She snaked around my body like crazy, touching my face with her hooves. "Stop. Fluffle, stop, stop. Stop!" I held her at length. "Stop it!" I charged down towards my door. "Out!" I chucked the needy creature out the door and into my lawn. "Go home!"
She sat in the damp grass and turned to face me. "Ppfft?"
"No! And leave the mail mare alone!" I slammed my door and walked back up to my desk. "Every Saturday...I swear." I started picking up my mail and sorting it out. "Bill...from Cadance, bill, from Twilight, from--" I stopped myself as a loud grumble came from outside. I ignored it and tore open the letter from Cadance.
"Dan, I hope this reaches you in time, crystal--" My reading was cut short as a loud cracking rang out. I froze in place as the cracking grew louder. "Uh...oka--" A massive oak came through my roof, tearing apart my house and shattering everything inside. "What the flying fuck!?" I screamed as I dodged for cover from the sudden tree in my house. "Fucking nature's trying to kill me!"
As the tree settled into place and things stopped breaking I looked around. My roof was eviscerated, torn wide open by the tree. My wall didn't fair much better, the mighty oak tore from the top to bottom. "My...my house...." I stared at the devastation for a bit before sitting down. My insurance would cover it, but the damage would take months to fix.
"Pppft." Fluffle Puff walked up the downed tree trunk and into my house. "Pppffffft."
"What!? You're- there's a tree in my house and you're asking me out!? What the fuck is--" I stopped as I realized what she had done. I ran past her, my hand nearly being swallowed by her coat as I pushed her aside. Outside sat a pink chainsaw, still running and tearing apart my lawn. "What the fuck did you do!?"
"Pppft pppt, pppfffff, pft."
"That doesn't mean you can use a tree! You're an Earth pony, stay on the fucking ground!" I grabbed her by what I thought were her shoulders. "Why!? Why would you do that!?"
"Pppppppft ppft ffffsp."
"We tried! I even spent two-hundred bits on a hotel room!"
"Ppppftfft!?"
I shook her. "I couldn't find a hole! I couldn't find a freaking hole! There was nothing but hair!" I fell to my knees as I continued to shake her. "There was nothing but hair...nothing!"
Fluffle seized her chance and threw her hooves around me. "Ppppft?"
I grumbled angrily as I let go. "Does she have a spare room?"
She let out a short gasp. "Ppfffft!"
"Great...just who I wanted to share a room with, after she put a fucking tree in my house!"
Fluffle hugged me tighter. "Pfffft?!"
"No I don't fucking mean it!" I shook free of her. "I don't have much of a choice though!" I stood up and started walking down stairs. Fluffle grabbing my back and latching on as I walked away. I suffered through and stepped out of my house.
"Dan, are you okay!?" Ditzy asked as she ran over. A small group of ponies staring at the sudden felling. "I called for help when I--"
"I'm fine Ditzy, thank you...can you do me a favor though?" I grabbed her by her mailbags. "Can you call Filthy out here, he's not gonna believe me if I tell him a tree fell on my house."
"Oh...sure." She trotted off, flying up where she would usually get stuck. She stopped as she got into the air. "I- Dan...Dan...it's not the same!" She panicked as she realized she wasn't stuck in the tree. "Dan I want the tree back!"
"I know...but someone fucking killed it!" I yelled at Fluffle as she clung to my back. "Fucking killed my tree!"
"Ppppfttt?!"
"Yes I'm mad!" I stopped flailing and walked over to the chainsaw. It was lodge in the ground and sending mud at my neighbors house. "Look at this!" I turned the saw off and stared at my ruined house. I grumbled angrily as I locked the door, hoping that somehow that would discourage looters.
Having done everything I could, I started following Fluffle's directions and walked through the town. Fluffle Puff altered between chewing on my hair to nuzzling my head as I walked towards the center of town. "Alright...so your friend...is she someone I might know?"
I felt Fluffle chewing on my hair as I spotted Twilight's house. "Pp-pppffft."
"Know her!? I work for her! How the hell do you even know her?"
"Ppf--"
"Shut up!" I tore her off my back, taking a decent chunk of my hair with her. "Jesus, just go! I have to take care of my damn house!"
"Ppppffft?"
"No, it's fine! Everything's fine!" I threw my hands up as I turned away. "Everything is just great!" I walked off towards my house. A few minutes later and I was standing with a large group of ponies as a herd of pegasai tried to pull the tree out of my house. Filthy Rich was shocked as he stared at my wrecked home.
"This...it was such a strong tree, I never--"
I walked up to him and pointed at the dead chainsaw in the mud. "Fluffle Puff did it...."
"The pink fuzz ball!?"
"Yes...so when do you think this will get fixed?"
Filthy stared at the tree. "I- do I cover maniac attacks?"
"You'd better, otherwise you're gonna get a fir through your window!"
Filthy looked shocked. "You wouldn't!"
"You gonna cover the damage?!"
Filthy looked at the creaking tree. "Your premiums are going to go up."
I nodded and started walking away. "Yeah, I figured." I walked back through town and towards the Library. I spotted Fluffle Puff in the window, gasping as I got close. She smiled and watched me through the window.
I ignored her and stepped into the Library. "Twi-" Fluffle Puff grabbed my side and refused to let go, "-light, you home?"
Twilight looked into the room from her part of the Library. "Dan! I heard what happened, are you okay?"
I held my arms out and looked at the mare chewing on my shirt. "About as fine as I look. But my turn for questions, how do you know this nutcase!?"
Twilight started blushing as she pulled Fluffle Puff off, sending her into an angry ball of hate as she floated away. "Celestia found her, she wanted me to watch her until she found a place for her." Twilight set Fluffle Puff down, quickly taking a hoof to the face as Fluffle kicked off her and bolted back over to me. "Whoa...she really likes you."
"No, really?" I snipped at her, walking over. "She said you'd have a room until I could sort out a hotel."
"Oh, sure!" she smiled wide as Fluffle started licking my cheek, staring blankly past my head. "Uh...I...what's she doing?"
"I don't know! But the last time I tried to stop her she put a tree through my roof so unless you want your tree house to turn into a double tree house you'll just let her do it!"
Twilight stared at me, letting out a nervous laugh before walking me towards a free room. "I uh...I'm really sorry to ask, but you would you mind finishing the forms I sent you?"
"I was working on it when the tree came in...I'll get it to you when they get the tree out of there."
Twilight frowned hard. "Oh...sorry."
I shook my head. "It's not your fault...I think I'm just gonna relax." I looked around the empty room. "Do you have...like a blowup bed?"
Twilight nodded happily. "Sure, oh...and I'm really sorry about this. I should really be watching her."
I scratched my chin. "Ya know what, double my pay for a week and I'll take care of her."
Twilight and Fluffle Puff gasped in unison. Fluffle started chewing on my ear as Twilight looked at her. "I- are you serious? Because that'll be great!"
"Yeah...great. Just fucking wonderful." I grumbled angrily as I sat on the floor, using Fluffle like a pillow. "Just...I'm just gonna take a nap for a little bit." I immediately lost myself as Fluffle's coat surrounded my face. "I uh...nap...just...a quick--" I let out a long yawn. "I- nap." Fluffle Puff's soft warm coat made quick work of my resistance, letting me fall asleep on the hard wooden floor. "Warm...."