Manny the Imperial Guard's Chaos-Funded Adventure Into Horseland

FOHR KAY-OHSS!!

The ship docked on the bay, and everyone started towards it. Manny kept close to Angry Space Marine, whose real name was still an enigma to both Ringarde and the guardsman. Angry Space Marine didn't even seem to notice Manny unless he spoke or made himself otherwise noticeable. The massive warrior just stomped his way to the ship, clutching the femur of some poor cultist in his right hand.

Ringarde held her bolter with both hands, hugging it to her chest while she timidly trailed behind Manny. Cultists were everywhere, crawling, running, lounging about or praising their gods via unspeakable acts. Manny wished he had something to defend himself with, but he seemed to have misplaced his lasgun sometime back. How he survived through any battle, hell, training even, was beyond his mind.

"OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR NOW!" Angry hammered the door with his fist. Ringarde and Manny stood behind him, facing the huge crowd. A pair of Eldar walked up to them, some Orkz, and even a Tau. They scowled at them, and much to both imperials' dismay, they all were armed to the teeth. Ringarde stole a side-glance at Manny and the guardsman held up his fists in what he hoped was a menacing display.

"Ye grot, I'll eat yer liver!" One of the orkz brandished a big shoota and waved it around. Manny sighed and flipped him the bird. It was still a sensible topic for him. Sensing Ringarde's eyes on him, Manny stood up straight, put his fists up higher, and stuck his chin out as much as he could.

"Oh yeah? Well, then you'll just have to, uh..." The ork took a few steps forward and planted his fanged face in front of Manny's. A stinking breath flew out of his massive nostrils, and he knelt to be face to face to the small human.

"I'll have to wot?"

Ringarde was backing away so much she was all but climbing on top of Angry, who was still pounding at the large dent he'd made on the door. Her hands held the bolter up in what she tried to make a straight line, but her trembling made the weapon go from aiming at the ork to Manny, the ceiling, the floor, and a random spot on the wall.

"Uhm..." Manny's fists lowered and his gaze turned upward to look the ork in the eye. He wished he hadn't the moment he saw the deep red in them. Images of his limbs flying around and his liver being snacked on flashed across his eyes, and he fought hard to keep the squeak inside his throat.

"For Gork and Mork." The ork said, raised a massive fist slowly so that Manny could see it, and then roared as lasgun fire tore his hand to pieces.

"FOHR KAY-OHSS!!"

Ringarde screamed and showered the room with bolter fire, Angry turned around and caught a laser in the face, Manny scrambled to the floor in search for something to hit people with; all the while Chaos cultists swarmed the place, slashing and shooting up a maelstrom. Those Eldar, Orkz, and the Tau that were in the open were caught off guard and torn to shreds. Those others who had been farther behind or in other rooms stood a better chance of grabbing something to defend themselves with, but Chaos was everywhere at the same time, massacring everything that moved.

Screams permeated the air as Manny crawled through the growing pools of blood and gore that covered the floor. Lasgun fire, bullets, rockets, and a few axes were flying everywhere, slicing limbs, tearing flesh, searing bodies, and mutilating what they caught in their path. The imperial guardsman covered his head and reached for one of the ork shootas resting in the blood and organs of its previous owner; a massive ork nob with five dead cultists at his feet and a massive hole in his chest.

Manny took the shoota and looked around. It was, in all aspects, chaos. The room they were in seemed to be the center of the fight, with cultists on the far end of it and an assorted warband of other races trying to figure out what to do in the adjacent room. Every few seconds an overeager cultist would rush the door only to get blasted apart by the weapons of the defenders.

Manny looked back to the ship. Angry was lying on the floor, immobile. Ringarde was huddled behind him, trying to keep away from the worst of the fire being exchanged. She tried once or twice to return fire, but every time she peeked out from her hiding place, a hail of gunfire slammed into the side of the ship and forced her back into hiding.

Manny was playing dead. Not overly courageous, but it had kept him from dying a couple of times in the past. Manny was thankful his commissar never found out, but he'd become sort of an expert at playing dead. Now however, he needed to play a different role. The cultists were gaining ground, forcing whoever was holding the door back with concentrated fire. Chaos had not sent its worst, it seemed to Manny.

The imperial guardsman sighed and winced. He'd need to make a run for it.

Looking back at Ringarde, Manny pointed at the ship's door, and desperately hoped she understood. The Sister of Battle was shaking worse than a chihuahua inside a refrigerator, but she nodded. Manny breathed in and out, trying to calm himself.

Then he jumped.

"For the Empero-! oh shit." Manny pressed the trigger of the ork shoota with all his might, but the thing wouldn't fire. The firefight seemed to have stopped as all eyes were fixed on the little guardsman standing in the middle of the battle without cover or weapon. Manny smiled nervously at the cultists and xenos; he hit the shoota on the side, slammed it against the floor, yelled at it, pleaded with it, and then stared at the pieces as the shoota came apart in a rain of gears and springs arranged in no logical order.

Ringarde was standing in front of the door with a horrified expression, out of cover as well; the cultists smiled and snickered; the xenos reacted variedly, and Manny could practically hear his commissar grinding his teeth and piercing the flesh of his palms with his nails in anger.

Manny smiled and dived for safety as the battle resumed its ferocity. The guardsman rushed the ship's door and tackled the petrified Sister of Battle to the floor with an audible 'eep!'. Utilizing a reserve of strength unknown to him up to that point, Manny pulled Angry's body over the both of them and closed his eyes.

Sadly for Manny, Angry was pretty heavy.

"Ow, my head..." Manny opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. It seemed closer than it did before and darker. A throbbing pain was pounding in his head, and he felt as though he'd been steamrolled by a mammoth. He groaned and turned on his shoulder to face the wall. He didn't remember that wall being there.

"Last one's awake."

Manny groaned again and pushed himself to his knees. He felt dizzy from the effort, but at least he was getting a better notion of where he was. The wall was right in his face now, and it ran from left to right for quite the stretch of space, but was only four or five meters high. Manny rubbed his eyes and placed a hand on the cold metal wall.

Manny looked around, trying to find any sense in what was going on. By the Emperor, what he would have given for a lasgun.

"Where... where am I?" Manny said, trying to get his bearings. He slowly stood up and leaned against the wall. "Where's the... the others?" Someone snickered and someone else spat. Manny thought he heard a whimper as well. The light was bad, Manny could barely see the color of the world around him, but the stench was worse. It smelled rotten and forgotten, the air did.

"Hwee cap-toored hyuu fohr kay-ohsss!" The cultist from before shouted, rising her arms to the ceiling and smiling widely. "Hyuu are een howor ship!" The cultist sat cross-legged on the floor and stared, while other cultists looked on from farther behind, stealing glances at Manny before returning to their chaotic activities.

"Uh..." The cultist's stare intensified. "What are you doing?" Manny sat back and rubbed his forehead.

"Mahstor sehd hwee had to luuhk aftor hyuu." She edged a little closer. "So hwee are luuhking aftor hyuu."

Manny arched an eyebrow. Time passed. He cleared his throat. She stared. He scratched his head. She blinked once, and he supposed that was as much as she'd change her stance. By the Warp, he had no way of knowing how long he'd been asleep and if she'd been staring all that while too.

"Uhm... do you know where my friends are?" He asked, moving his head from side to side to see if she'd follow. She did. "I kinda, uh, need to find them." Manny waved a hand in front of her eyes, but she didn't break the stare. "It's, eh, important, or something."

The cultist didn't reply, but the stare got stronger. Manny made a face and moved to stand up. He was tired of all the nonsense.

"Fine. Whatever! I'll just find them myself..." He was quite frankly expecting some sort of immediate pain for standing up. He was a prisoner after all, but the cultist simply stood up, dusted herself off, and followed as Manny walked to the nearest door; her eyes never leaving him except for the blinking breaks.

"Uh, what are you doing?" He asked her when the door opened. The hallway of freedom completely within his reach. None of the other cultists were paying him any mind, even though he was practically escaping.

"Hwee are luuhking aftor hyuu!" The cultist smiled widely and went through the door. Manny shrugged and continued. He went through one corridor after the other, taking odd twists and turns he really wasn't bothering to remember. His breath was coming out heavy and he felt his feet aching as he neared the final door at the end of a large corridor. He wasn't in the space hulk anymore, of that he was certain.

"Hwee are in da ship!" The cultist said once more. Manny wasn't sure who she was talking to, but it was good to know where he was. It was a pretty big ship though. He had been searching for the better part of half an hour and still nothing.

"Last door." He said as he opened the final door in the corridor. It opened with a metallic clank, and Manny stepped inside.

The room was dark and spacious, so it took Manny a good while to adjust himself to the low light before he could see Ringarde in the far end of it, struggling against her bonds as a host of Daemonettes giggled and jumped about giddily around her. They held cards in their claws and laughed every time one of them seemed to win, and peeled off a piece of armor from the Sister of Battle.

Manny sucked in breath and readied himself to be a hero.

"Hey you, uh, heretics, yeah! Hey you heretics! Stop that now!" He shouted and raised his fists. "Stop or I'll-!"

"YOU SIMPERING FUCKS!" Manny squealed and jumped up into the cultist's arms as a massive mass of muscular anger burst through the door, holding the bloodied spine of some unfortunate cultist. "I WILL VIOLATE YOUR ORIFICES WITH IMPERIAL FURY!"

Ringarde called out from behind her gags and the daemonettes gaped at the masculine form that charged them from the door, salivating at the sight of the angry Space Marine, completely naked.

Angry rushed them with the fury of a billion suns, smashing the spine against the nose of the nearest daemonette; then grabbing the next one by the teats and hurling her against a wall. The rest of them were petrified by the arcane power of his bulging biceps, drawn to inaction with such strength they could do nothing as Angry commenced an Exterminatus on their orifices with his fists.

"Those abs!"

"By Slaanesh, I can't look away!"

*Schlick schlick schlick*

"Purge me, please, fucking purge me!"

Angry did just that. His massive arms took hold of the daemonettes as though they were made of clay and he hurled them against each other, squeezed them with his thighs, smashed them with his buttocks, and stabbed them with his power sword.

The completely unarmed Space Marine then grabbed the last of the daemonettes with both his hands and stared into her eyes, anger overflowing from him in the form of rabid foam spilling out of his righteous mandible.

"FUCK YOU!" He shouted, and slammed her down against his hairy chest with such force that she climaxed seconds before bursting into pieces. Then, his work was complete. "Xenos have been purged. FOR THE EMPEROR!" He exclaimed and tucked his power sword away into a small pair of shorts he found on the ground. Joyously for any daemonette still alive, the shorts hugged his manliness tightly and strained greatly with every step he took.

Manny stared at the mess with a hanging lower jaw. It was the second or so time the Space Marine had outshined him, but he really wasn't complaining. Angry flexed his muscles and Ringarde's bonds came apart in a blaze of hotness, leaving the gawking Sororita free once again to carry out the Emperor's will.

Y'know, if the Emperor's will includes peeping.

"By the Emperor, what the FUCK do we do now?" Angry slammed a fist into the nearest wall for no apparent reason and glared at nothing in particular. "They stole my fucking armor!"

"Uhh..." Manny turned to check the door, and noticed that the cultist wasn't there anymore. "Huh. Well, whatever. I say we find an escape pod or something."

Ringarde nodded. "We need to find you some clothes first." She added in a whisper while covering her eyes with her hand, face flushed.

"FUCK THIS SHIP!" Angry hollered and stormed out of the room, not checking to see if anyone followed. Obviously, Manny and Ringarde did follow. Manny was good as dead if Angry left him alone for much longer than five minutes.

Angry stomped his way to the kitchen, massacred some cultists, then moved on to the next room. Manny and Ringarde followed, pale-faced and trying not to step on any of the gory bits and pieces Angry left in his wake.

The three of them eventually reached a small room with the words ECKSKAPE POD! scrawled on the door. Manny was thirty percent sure the sign had been been painted by someone from Catachan.

They entered the small ship and Manny rapidly flipped through the pages of the manual, desperately trying to find how to turn the ship on-

"FUCK THIS SHIP!" Angry shouted and slammed his forehead against the controls, revving the small craft to life. Manny tried to think how, but gave up, sighed and accepted his fate.

"Whatever. I've seen weirder today..."

The three of them left the chaos-riddled ship behind as they set course for the nearest planet, Horseplanet II.

Whoever had named it didn't have much imagination, Manny reflected.