Why Don't You Have a Seat Over There?

by Flint Sparks

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Comedy
Length: 2667

Chris Hansen is set to take down the greatest sexual predator of all, Princess Celestia. Which wouldn't be difficult if it weren't for a little thing called love...

Chris Hansen has taken down the worst sex offenders in human history, but that hasn't prepared him for what lies next.

An alien world... home of the most dangerous, most prolific, and sexiest predator alive.

Princess Celestia.

Is this just another day in the job, or has Chris Hansen finally met his match and one true love?

Published 2014-04-19 02:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-19 02:10:06 UTC

Please, have a seat.

“Five minutes until arrival! Come on people, we’re on the clock!” Chris Hansen clapped his hands together, ushering the cameramen to finish positioning. Hidden cameras in the corners of each room, in each potted plant, and even in Chris Hansen’s clothes littered the current safe house Dateline had chosen for the next episode of To Catch A Predator.

“Sheesh man, we’re hurrying!” a random intern complained as he finished screwing in the camera to the bookshelf. “I’m not even getting paid! What are you doing?!”

Chris Hansen stroked his chin as he pondered that thought before smiling at the intern. “I’m being incredibly handsome, hosting the show that pays for your college funds, and I don’t know, putting my life on the frontlines against predators. Would you like to meet the internet’s most reknown sex offender? I’d be happy to—”

“No thanks!” the intern said, hauling off as fast as his unpaid ass could. He whispered under his breathe, “Asshole.”

“I may be one, but I’m protecting yours,” Chris Hansen muttered as he opened the door to the basement, where the technicians were firing up surveillance and recording. He walked down the steps, watching the ~~nerds~~ computer engineers work their magic to ensure every single last detail would be caught on camera. His eyes traveled across the row of computers, noticing the last one hosted the hired actor.

Well, actor was hardly the right word for it. A pony, Equine Magicus, native of the world he currently resided in. Equestria, while initially full of magic and wonder for the man who knew nothing but the darkness Earth held, soon revealed its secrets to him. Even in a world fueled by the magic of friendship, there would always be evil. This pony, in particular, had the right natural naivety and nativity to Equestria’s internet to compensate for the lack of local actors.

Twilight Sparkle.

“Hello there, Miss Sparkle,” Chris Hansen greeted as he rested a hand on her mane. The waist-height unicorn purred as he gave it a ruffle. His thoughts, when they should have been in awe of the ponies’ adorable prowess, were filled with worry at the implications of Earth to Equestria travel becoming quiet. He was one of the few allowed to explore the alien world, and the warning signs were becoming apparent. Cute, adorable, naive, and easily mislead by human nature… they were the perfect targets for predators. A population of untold millions, possibly billions, would make for a ripe harvest for Earth’s darkest evils.

“Mister Hansen? Your hand is hurting me,” Twilight Sparkle whined as Chris Hansen’s knuckles turned white in tranquil fury. He released his grip and sighed, giving her one last ruffle before turning his attention to the largest monitor in the room. He walked toward it and rested his hands on the guardrails of the control room.

“Call,” Chris Hansen said to the large monitor. “Shining Armor.” The screen flickered for a moment, then a face of a large stallion appeared. “Hello, Captain. We’re ready.”

“Good!” Shining Armor nodded. “My elite guard is in position. Target’s carriage is on route, and expected in less than three minutes. Remember your mission: record incriminating evidence, and lead suspect to strike zone.” Shining’s eyes drifted to the side as his lips curled. “And at all costs, protect my sister. You know what this guy is capable of.”

Chris Hansen nodded. “I’m more than well aware. Suspect is infamous on the internet, with the highest number of victims ever record in Equestrian history. Seven hundred and fifty-eight, possibly more. That ends tonight.”

“Good.” Shining Armor checked a watch on his wrist. “Well, time to get in my place. Radio silence starting… now.”

The screen shut down, before flickering back to life and depicting the Great Oak Library’s front entrance. Chris Hansen gulped as the rest of the monitors came to life, completely illuminating the entire wall in technologic light. Every nook and cranny of the library was for the crew to behold, from normal vision to heat-registers. The crew finished their last sound test as a carriage pulled up outside, and Chris Hansen wiped his sweaty brow with a handkerchief as he watched it. Soon, his role was to come. The hardest part, especially in a foreign world.

On the screen, the carriage’s door flung open and a cloaked pony stepped out. The pony was tall and slender, and the cloak hung to the pony’s side like shadows. The pony trotted to the door, and knocked.

Chris Hansen sighed as he turned to supervisor. “Suspect confirmed for unicorn. Prepare for anti-magic measures.” The supervisor, a security guard from Earth, nodded and handed Chris Hansen the special ring for the occasion. Chris Hansen shoved it into his pocket without a second thought.

It was the same thing every time, and each carried the same amount of high risk. Chris Hansen tracked the steps, from the knock to the famous ”Come in! Did you bring any alcohol?” line their bait—this case being Twilight Sparkle—to the part he would come in. The sweating intern, no doubt nervous about a rogue unicorn being in the vicinity, slapped Chris Hansen on the back as he placed his polished shoe on the bottom step of the stairs. Chris Hansen took a deep breath, and ascended.

The basement door creaked open as Twilight pushed past, briefly slowing to give Chris Hansen a concerned glance before trotting past him. Chris Hansen caught the closing door, and crept past the frame. He looked into the main room of the library, to the pony standing by the table in the middle, and observed.

Based on the muzzle alone, she appeared to be a slender alabaster mare. Covered in a cloak of shadows with a saddlebag by her side, she appeared to be the average creep that Chris Hansen took down on the daily. She was no threat at all, just another day in the job. Nothing he could handle. She didn’t even notice his human scent, and reached up to remove her hood.

The shadows dissipated as rainbows cascaded down her shoulders like raindrops.

Her luscious eyelashes fluttered as she tucked a flowing, aetheral lock behind her ear.

Her luminous eyes absolutely glowed as she blinked ever so slowly, staring at nothing in particular.

Chris Hansen’s heart stopped.

No! Not now! Chris Hansen clutched his chest as throbbing pain exploded. He knew all too well what was happening. This wasn’t just a predator, this was an apex predator. One not only capable of mesmerizing naive victims, but him as well. I need to be careful...but I have to do this.

Chris Hansen stepped from the door, allowing his only sanctuary to close behind him, and left the safety of his shadows. He hurried before the pony could react, and made his way to the center of the room. Chris Hansen took a deep breath.

”Hi, I’m Chris Hansen—”

She looked up with a gasp. Her eyes were deep, beautiful shades of violet. His heart skipped a beat.

“...from Dateline NBC—”

The wispy cloak slid off one of her slender shoulders, revealing part of her elegant form as her ethereal mane brushed against it. Chris Hansen shook his head out of his stupor, and returned to his lines.

“Why don’t you have a seat over there?”

The mare stared at him for a moment, slowly blinking with voluminous eyelashes, before consenting to his request without a word. Chris Hansen approached, keeping an eye out for any light or signs of magic, and stood at the opposite end of the table.

“Do you know why you’re here, miss?” he asked, controlling his breathing despite the butterflies in his stomach. Not now! Why does it have to be here?

“No, I’m afraid not,” the mare said as she bowed her head in respect. “I came here expecting a party, and arrived to an interrogation. I do not, in fact, know why I am here.”

“Let me jog your memory,” Chris Hansen said as he reached under the table, pulling out the folder hidden underneath. He tossed it onto the table and flipped it open, revealing pages and pages of text. “This is the conversations you’ve been having with what was revealed to you to be a minor. Remember anything yet?”

The mare shook her head and whispered, “No…”

Chris Hansen sighed, knowing he would have to do what he did for nearly every bust. He picked up a random page and began reading from it.

“PnyPrncss69: Oh yeah, bby. I’ll show you the magic of “friendship."

Honor_Student: Really? I’d love that! I love making friends, and the magical moments it creates!

PnyPrncss69: Then you’re going to luuuuuuurve “magic” with benefits!

Honor_Student: That’s amazing! I’d love to meet you! My address is CONFIDENTIAL. I hope to see you soon! Oh, and bring alcohol!

PnyPrncss69: Oh, I’ll be packing a little more than that…”

Chris Hansen set down the page, resisting the urge to vomit onto the table. The mare sat still, staring down at the table, never uttering a word. Chris Hansen tapped on the table, alerting her.

“Well, anything?” Chris Hansen waved to the pile of papers. “Do you remember anything, or do I need to read mo—”

“No!” the mare shrieked, slamming her hooves against the table. “It isn’t true! I won’t hear anymore of it! I want to call my lawyer!”

Chris Hansen clicked his tongue, picked up a small pile of pages, and leafed through them. “Let’s see… you’ve talked to PaRtY_CaNoN about your ‘special parties,’ FabulousRadiance about your love of lingerie of peculiar tastes, and Little_Whopper about the last ‘stallion’ you met. Honestly, if I were you, I’d just admit it and just get it over with. We have the evidence, we can put you away.” Chris Hansen tossed the papers away, allowing them to fall on the floor as he crossed his arms.

The mare sniffed and looked up at him. Her violet eyes were damp with tears, and her nose wet. Chris Hansen’s heart skipped a beat as his body screamed to end the charade and embrace her, danger or no danger. He resisted, of course, but the temptation remained. Rather, he reached for her saddlebag and picked it up.

The show must go on, he thought with a scowl. Never before had he ever felt this anger at himself, for doing what he had already done countless times. He opened the bag, flipped it over, and dumped its contents. Sighing once more, he made a mental list and sounded it off.

“Beer, duct tape, rope, phallic toys, pills that I don’t even want to name, taser, pornographic movies, vodka, chloroform, a dirty rag, a bag of Funyuns™, magic-restraint ring, and a box of low-fat chocolate. My, my, you were quite prepared for this ‘party’ you were expecting.” Chris Hansen grimaced as he watched the mare’s eyes sink to the floor, her posture deteriorating from guilt to sheer sorrow. “So tell me, how many times have you done this?”

“Twenty…” came the whisper from the mare.

Chris Hansen cupped his ear. “What was that? I can’t quite hear you.”

“Twenty,” the mare repeated, looking up and choking back her sobs. “It’s my standard kit. This was my twentieth trip to Ponyville.”

Finally opening her up, Chris Hansen grabbed a wooden chair and took a seat himself. Clasping his hands together, he nodded. “Fascinating. Tell me, how do you usually groom your victims?”

“I usually choose ponies I’m already close to,” the mare admitted, blinking and making eye contact with Chris Hansen. “They look up to me, I take them under my wing, and I—I take advantage of them.” The mare shoved her face into her hooves, sobbing. “I—I’m a horrible pony! Who would do such a thing?! I’m a monster!”

Chris Hansen pushed down his instinctual urge to calm her, reassure her, knowing full well the commonly used tactic of predators to solicit sympathy from the fuzz. Instead he said, “You’re not a monster, you’re a pony who’s made a horrible mistake. There’s help for you, if you come quietly.” He silently cursed his moment of kindness, but the strange, warm feeling blooming in his chest silenced the curses.

“Perhaps… that would be best,” the mare said. She looked up, her cheeks stricken with tears. “But I don’t want to go to prison! What will they do to me? What if they give me dea—”

“They won’t, I promise.” Chris Hansen reached forward and grabbed the beautiful mare’s hooves with his own hands, pulling them from her face and to the middle of the table. He gave them a reassuring squeeze as the mare’s eyes bored into his. “I promise.”

The mare sniffed, but her hooves stayed in his grasp. “W-why are you helping me? I’m a monster! Not even my sister would show mercy to me. Where are the guards? Where are the lances and spears and ponies locking me up?”

Chris Hansen sighed and stared down at the fair hooves. “They will, in most likelihood, lock you up. I’m sorry, but it’s the least you can get.”

The mare sniffed, her hooves wobbling in his grip. “H-how long is that?”

“For your list of crimes? Life.”

The mare choked, pushing down another bestial sob. “B-but I’m immortal!”

Chris Hansen flinched ever so slightly. So the rumors were true after all. Explains why she spoke about her wing. He stared at her longer horn, tracing it down to the base and staring into the mare’s eyes. Her beauty was not exaggerated from the rumors, she’s just as entrancing as they say. Despite this revelation, his heart was heavy as he continued.

“...I’m sorry. But—”

“B-but I love you!”

Chris Hansen froze. The mare’s cheeks were blushing, and a smile tried to break through the mare’s desperate sobs. Chris Hansen swallowed, and continued.

"I'm doing this because I love you, and the ponies you love as well. We have to protect them, Celly. We have to protect them from you." Chris Hansen’s felt the stress dissipate from his chest, having finally admitted his strange feelings.

The mare sighed and looked toward the ground. “I… Yes, you’re right. I have a problem, and need to be locked away like the monster I am. Maybe someday I’ll see the light of my sun again, but until then…”

Chris Hansen squeezed her hooves. “They allow visitors, you know…”

She jerked her gaze upward, back into his eyes. “Are you saying… you would…?”

Chris Hansen nodded.

“...Very well. What now?”

Chris Hansen released his grip and stood up. With limbs made of stone, he gestured toward the door. “Just walk right out. Whatever you do, don’t resist.”

Rather than answer, the mare stood up and trotted to the door. She gave one last wistful look to the library, contemplating her last moments of freedom, then opened the door to leave.

Chris Hansen closed his eyes, mentally blocking out the sound of the target’s takedown. Shining shouted orders as sound of magic blasts permeated the air. The buzzing sound of tasers and the burning scent marked the last stand of the predators as the guard finally took her down. Chris Hansen waited thirty seconds before approaching and opening the door himself.

The air was cool, but Chris Hansen had no time to enjoy it. He walked to the side of a fully-armored Shining Armor, joining him as they watched the incapacitated predator be loaded onto the Guard’s carriage.

“Crime never pays, you know,” Shining Armor muttered. “Even if you’re a princess of Equestria, you will never get away.” The carriage pulled away and into the air as the pegasi flew it toward Canterlot, where Celestia would be put to trial and imprisoned.

Chris Hansen subconsciously stroked Shining Armor’s mane, or what of it stuck out from his helmet. “No, Prince Shining.”

“What do you mean?”

Chris Hansen whispered, a single tear sliding down his cheek.

“She’s the one who got away.”