The Shocking Rise of a Disgruntled Carson Kingsley

by MonolithiuM

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1225

A human brought to Equestria is stripped of his unique physical characteristics and imprisoned for years in a tower. Upon escaping, he realizes he is physically indestructible. Time for some payback, with a few new friends involved, of course.

Carson Kingsley likes to read books, sip pina coladas, and watch the Puppy Bowl instead of the Super Bowl.

Carson Kingsley dislikes being sent to alternate dimensions, being captured by military forces, and being asked an endless stream of redundant questions.

All Carson Kingsley wants are his books, his alcoholic beverages, and his puppies. A small purple unicorn by the name of Twilight Sparkle denies him his books, booze, and puppies, instead insisting on torture by starvation, isolation, and asking redundant questions. He comes to learn that he especially dislikes being starved, abandoned, and questioned mercilessly. And when Carson Kingsley finds something he doesn't like…

There will be a reckoning in coconut and puppies.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-21 07:46:09 UTC

Please Shut Up

"And how many times a day are your people required to shower daily?"

The pale human glared at the small purple alicorn sitting across from him. Had his arms not been restrained, he would have most likely knocked the winged unicorn to the ground and at least attempted to dig his way out. Solid stone or not, he would do what was necessary to escape this most heinous torture. Pulling his brows into a deeper furrow, he replied to the self-proclaimed Princess with a hint of a growl in his voice.

"It varies by culture."

The Princess, who had named herself with the stripper surname of Twilight Sparkle, suddenly had a delighted gleam in her eye. "That's fascinating! Could you tell me how each culture handles the concept of bathing? Ritually? Dutifully? Is there a fine placed if one doesn't wash oneself?" Twilight Sparkle's enthusiasm was not shared by the human male.

The human male in question was quite disgruntled, actually. He had opened his front door and stepped through realities, and was promptly tackled by six armored beings that barely came up to his waist, throwing his groceries from his arms. Next, he had found that his usual appearance had shifted, stripping away any identity he had before and replacing him with a stark white, nearly hairless, naked take on himself. Could one be naked if they didn't have any junk or buttcheeks? A question for the ages.

Now, though, he found himself staring at the patient alicorn for the third straight day in a row. There were still three more hours of interrogation after this line of questioning, being split only by a lunch and potty break for the human. Leaning forward, he kept his glower and answered with a flat tone.

"No."

The Princess looked disappointed, but perked back up as she asked what the human hoped was a new question. "So you're from another reality, how many pony friends do you have?" The human's face never shifted as he gave her the answer.

"None."

"Not a single one? I find that nearly impossible! You've got to at least have one."

"No. Ponies aren't intelligent."

Now she looked offended, if her hoof placed against her chest meant anything. "Not intelligent? Well..." She closed her eyes, smiling smugly to herself. "We ponies have made the largest advancements in any magical or scientific field in the past five centuries. We are known for shaping the planet with our magic, controlling the celestial bodies, and having the strongest economy amidst the five species, and we have the longest average life span at ninety-three years- not counting the Princesses."

Princess Sparkle opened her eyes, only to see the human still staring at her as if it simply wanted to fall through the floor, the ground, the entire planet, and just keep going until it reached oblivion. "For the love of God, please shut the hell up."

Princess Twilight stopped writing her notes, looking up at the glare of the angry human. Sighing, she set her quill down and levitated the stack of papers onto the steadily growing pile beside her. She returned the human's glare with one of her own, gazing into the pupils of her prisoner. "Carson, you won't get anywhere by insulting royalty, so just play along for a little while longer and I can guarantee your freedom."

The human grit his teeth and intensified his scowl. "We are not on a first name basis, asshole." Carson let his insult sink in as Twilight Sparkle deepened her glare and huffed.

"Look, you can just cooperate and this will be over sooner than you can say 'hot potato'. If you don't comply, I'll just utilize magic to force the truth out of you. Answer my questions and you go free, don't and you can stay bound forever in this room." Twilight's hooves were now on the table as she tried to loom over the man. Her attempt failed, however, as the man's head still rose above her own by a solid half a foot.

Carson's eyebrows lowered to a deadpan, and he shifted in his bonds to lean back into his chair. "You said exactly that on day one, and I did comply. I haven't moved from this spot, except for bathroom breaks once a day. You telling me that I'll be gone after answering your questions is like being told flying fish swim in the sky."

Twilight Sparkle leaned back into her stool, her eyes closed and ears held flat against her head. After a few seconds of this position, which Carson supposed was her method of thinking, she looked up and frowned at the man. "Fine, don't say anything." She got up, snatching her tools within her purple aura. Moving to the door, she knocked twice and it was opened. Before it closed however, she made sure that the human heard her exact words to the guard standing outside. "Give him only water until he asks for me. Until he does so, he will not have a bite to eat."

The man sat still, frozen with fear and shock at the unicorn's words. The door swung shut without a sound, leaving Carson in a mute cell with a table and two stools. He looked up at the source of light, a roaring flame near the top of the room, and watched that dim to an ember, drowning everything in oppressive darkness.

"Please! Get Twilight Sparkle! Please get her! I'm begging you!"

The human's shouts echoed within the halls, alerting his guard. The stallion owed quite a few bits to the Captain, it seemed. The guard picked up his spear and began the jog to fetch Princess Twilight. The human, known as Mr. Kingsley, had gone for an unbelievable six weeks without food. Surely these humans were built to last in whatever cruel world they inhabited.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was found quickly, and she made her way to meet with the starving prisoner. She came to his cell and opened it slowly with the guard beside her. The once tall and proud human sat curled in the corner, his ribs and cheekbones clearly showing. The man's body was drenched with sweat, and the protruding ribs poked through his skin, which looked like it was almost too tight on his skeleton. "I'll tell you anything you want. Please... just give me food." His hands stretched out for the Princess, the knuckles on his graspers knobby and the fingers thin and bony.

Princess Twilight took pity on the gaunt figure huddled in the dark corner, and with a flash of her horn, light once again filled the room as red flames licked the ceiling. "Guard, get this human a large meal."

"With meat, m'lady?" the stallion asked.

Twilight let a smirk cross her face. "Maybe after he answers my more prominent questions. For now, bring beans, rice, and lettuce." The guard scampered off to fulfill her orders, and Twilight grasped the furniture in her magic. Dents and scratches littered the metal stools and the table, evidence of the human's rampage during his starving. "Now that you've come to your senses, I have a few questions I'd like to ask you."

A quill and scroll popped into existence beside her, and she placed the writing implement to the paper. "Shall we begin?"