At the Canterlot High School library, three freshman girls sat at one of the computers, watching their recently published music video for the umpteenth time.
"♪ ♫We'll have to figure out what we're supposed to do, until our cutie marks are here!!♪ ♫."
"54 views." remarked Applebloom, "how many'd we have yesterday?"
Sweetie Belle flipped through her notebook,
"Let's see, the last time I wrote it down was when I did my 11AM check-in, and we had...only 44 views! That's ten views in a single day! We did it girls! We're famous!!!"
"Woooooo!" whooped Scootaloo, leaping into the air, pumping her fist.
"Hold on a minute," cut in Applebloom. Scoot froze in mid-air. "Ya said 11AM check in right? How often were you checkin' in?"
"Every hour, on the hour," replied Sweetie proudly, "well except for the hours where I was sleeping of course.
"So then if you went to bed at nine, that means you refreshed th' page..." she counted on her fingers, "ten times! Ugh, Sweetie, all those views came from you!"
"Oh" said Sweetie Belle, looking embarrassed.
"Well, nobody else will know that" pointed out Scootaloo.
"Girls, the view count don't mean nothin' if we don't have an audience" said Applebloom, "we need ta figure out what we're doin' wrong."
"The lyrics are kind of weird" suggested Sweetie Belle "when you're a younger human, and your flank is really bare...'
"The syllables had to match” replied Scootaloo
“And just what is a Cutie Mark anyway? Is it like a butt tattoo?”
“It's finding out where you belong."
“...because my sister says that only tramps and drunks get butt tattoos."
"Is our song gonna encourage kids to get butt tattoos?" asked Applebloom worriedly, "'cause ah dunno if ah'm comfortable with that."
"IT'S NOT ABOUT BUTT TATTOOS, OKAY???"
Cheerilee and all the kids in the library tuned their heads to the three, expressions ranging from shock to great amusement.
"Look," said Applebloom dropping her voice to compensate for friend's outburst, "th' fact of the matter is, this song ain't doin' it for us. We need ta try more things."
"Yeah" agreed Sweetie Belle, "if we expand our horizons, we'll find our special talent a whole lot faster!"
"Alright, yeah!" agreed Scootaloo, perked up again, "so what should we try first?"
"Ah was thinkin' we do a talk show where we share our thoughts on th' important news stories."
"Sounds boring" snorted Scootaloo, "we should do something fun like video games! We can post the game footage, and our reactions too! It'll be like two videos for the price of one."
"Hmm" said Sweetie Belle, "I want to do something easier, like write a song parody."
"I thought writin' songs was 't in yer wheelhouse" pointed out Applebloom
"True, but I don't have to write the melody and rhyme scheme, just change the lyrics. You don't have to be a genius to come up with parody lyrics."
"Weird Al was valedictorian of his high school," pointed out Scootaloo with a smirk. Sweetie Belle glared at her.
"Girls" interjected Applebloom, stepping in between them "Let's each do a solo project tonight, an' we'll share 'em tomorrow an' see what works. Ah just know we’re gettin’ close, ‘cause we are…”
Together the three declared, “THE VIRAL VIDEO VOYAGERS!!!” Cheerilee glared at them, and they grinned back sheepishly. Dropping their voices to a whisper, they added “Viral Video Voyagers go! Yay!”
The next day, the three girls found themselves a spare computer in the library. They had each completed and uploaded their projects online, but had agreed not to watch one another's until the three of them were together. They sat at chairs, looking over Applebloom's shoulder as she cued up her video
On screen, Applebloom and her older brother Big Macintosh sat in her living room in front of the fireplace, all the furniture cleared out of the frame except for two loveseats. "Welcome to th' first episode o' Applebloom's talk show, where ah give mah own thoughts on th' news. Ah'm Applebloom an' this is mah co host Big Macintosh."
"Howdy."
"Before we get to our stories, Big Mac, is is true you can lift fifteen crates o' grape juice at once?"
"Eeyup"
"Wanna put yer money where yer mouth is?" Applebloom got up from her chair and rotated the camera to the other side of the room, where 15 crates of grape juice were stacked in a pyramid formation on a large palette.
"Eeyup" said Big Mac confidently, striding over to the crate stack.
"Wait, lemme hold onto yer shirt for ya."
"Why?"
"Er, 'cause Applejack's gonna pitch a fit if ya get grape juice on it."
"Hmm, good call." He unbuttoned his flannel shirt and tossed it aside, giving the audience a full view of his chiseled biceps, abs, and pecs.
Sweetie blushed and grinned, while Scootaloo just rolled her eyes.
On screen, big Mac squatted down, back to the camera, and grabbed hold of the palate. With a deep grunt he slowly but surely heaved the stack off the ground, his muscles bulging and sweat pouring down his torso. After holding it aloft for about thirty seconds, he lowered it to the ground.
Applebloom applauded, "Well ain't that somethin'?"
Big Mac returned to his seat, still shirtless. "Eeyup"
"So, onto th'news," she glanced at a newspaper lying on the arm of her chair, "Yesterday, two firefighters rescued a cat from a tree. Ain't that sweet, Big Mac?"
"Eeyup"
"Ah bet the kitty was real scared. Ah wonder why she thought ta climb that tree. Maybe she was chasin' a bird, ah couldn't say, ah'm more of a dog person mahself..."
Scootaloo began fast-forwarding the clip
"What're ya doin?"
"Skipping ahead to the end of the cat story. No offense but I thought you'd have something more interesting. When does the next story start?"
"that's th' only story ah had."
"This clip is 20 minutes long! How is that possible?"
"Me an' Big Mac had a lot ta say about it."
"Sure he did. You just brought him on so that the audience would have some eye candy. That's so cheap, isn't it Sweetie Belle?"
"Er, wha?" she asked, still flush-red with her mind somewhere else, "oh, uh, yeah Applebloom! Reprehensible!"
"Well Scoot if yer so smart about videos, why dontcha show us yers?"
"Alright. Get ready, this is gonna change gaming forever!" She clicked the play button.
"Why's there an ad poppin' up on screen? Content ID Match?""
"Oh, my phone's alert tone is a three second clip of Bruno Mars, and I got a text while I was recording. Now shush, no more questions, the video's starting."
"Alright gamers, get ready, it's time to rock n roll!"
Her two friends looked furtively at her
"Catchphrase needs work," she conceded, "but whatever, pay attention to the video."
"It's like a labyrinth in here.... and it's so dark... I guess I'll go this way- wait, is that, a g-g-g-g-GHOST!!! Run away!!! ...Aww he caught me and I'm dead. Oh well, till next time gamers."
"So? What do you think? Wasn't it eye opening to see my raw unedited reaction?"
"It seemed a bit forced" replied Applebloom, "like it was really obvious you were only pretendin' to be scared."
"She's passing up an opportunity to call you a chicken?" added Sweetie Belle, "Must be pretty bad."
"Very funny."
"Yer choice of game wasn't all that scary."
"Well, it's true you have to use your imagination a little..."
Sweetie Belle shook her head and laughed, "Scoot, you were playing Pac Man for goodness sake."
"I was going to play Dead Space, but my mom wouldn't buy me a PS3. I told her it'd practically pay for itself, but she just said to get back to my homework. Fine, I guess I can see where I might've gone wrong. Sweetie, you're up."
"I made two videos!" she bragged, "I told you it was easy. Here's the first."
On screen, footage from Portal played, and Sweetie sang, " ♪ ♫It's a quarter after five, I'm still alive, and I need tests now... ♪ ♫" As the song continued to play, Applebloom and Scootaloo looked bemused.
"Well? What do you think?"
"It's ok..." began Scootaloo
"There's no purpose to it, it's just a bunch of phrases from Portal," said Applebloom bluntly.
"Well maybe, but I bet you can't guess what I wrote under 'performed by'"
"Lady Sweetiebellum?" asked Applebloom cynically.
Sweetie Belle pouted. "Whatever, you'll like the other one better. It's a parody of All Star, a retro song from 1999." She beamed, proud of how culturally refined she was. "Here, listen."
" ♪ ♫Hey now, you're a porn star, get a har- ♪ ♫"
"GIRLS!" They looked up to see Ms. Cheerilee standing before them imposingly. She reached over their shoulders and shut off the video. "You are free to do whatever you like outside of school, but I will not have you watching your lewd videos in the library! Now get out!" she pointed at the door harshly.
"No matter, I have another idea for a video" said Sweetie Belle optimistically
"It ain't another parody is it?"
"Better" said Sweetie, "in fact, I need to get home now, so I can get started!" She ran off before the other two could respond.
"Ah thought we could try workin' together this time" suggested Applebloom.
"Maybe next time" said Scootaloo, "I've got an idea too, and it'll work better if it's just me. You understand, right?"
"I guess so." replied Applebloom glumly.
"Great! See ya tomorrow!" she hurried off too, leaving Applebloom standing alone in the corridor.
Author's Note
Would you believe that the Smash Mouth parody was the first thing I thought of, and the rest of the ideas expanded from there?
If At First You Don't Succeed...
After school the next day, the Viral Video Voyagers found themselves an empty classroom, and watched each others' videos on the tiny screen of Applebloom's iPhone. It wasn't an ideal way to watch videos, but they dared not go back to the library. Sweetie Belle insisted on going first, so she located her video, tapped the thumbnail, and passed her phone over to her two friends so they could have a better look.
In the video, Sweeite Belle was sitting on her bed with an small unopened Coco Chanel box. "Welcome to episode one of Sweetie Unboxes, where I show you all the cool stuff my sister and I bought. Now, if you like cosmetics as much as we do, this is something you may be remotely familiar with" she chuckled at her own joke, "it's Coco Channel."
"It's pronounced Chanel, Sweetie," called a voice from off-screen.
"An-yway" continued Sweetie Belle in a snippy voice, "This is called Rouge, and it's one of Macy's most popular lipsticks. Let's go ahead and open it up. The box has a cardboard tab here, and you open it like..this." She took the lipstick out and held it up close to the camera. "Now, let's just put it on... like sho" her voice was slightly distorted as she ran the cosmetic across her lips, unknowingly getting quite a bit on her chin and teeth. She smacked her lips, "And there we are. Don't I look pretty? RARITY! Come up here and tell them I look pretty!"
The voice offscreen called back, "I'm busy right now, Sweetie. Can't you play by yourself for a while?"
"I'm not playing! Making viral videos is not a game!"
"But wasn't your friend was making videos of herself playing games?" The video cut out.
"Right about then's when my camera died," explained Sweetie Belle, "but I was about done anyway. Whaddya think?"
"Well it's a good start" said Applebloom, "but where are ya gonna go from there?"
"Go?"
"Yeah, it's not like ya could make a whole video series of yerself just openin' boxes."
"How do you know that?"
"Because it's boring" interjected Scootaloo, "here, let me show you something that's 10 times better than makeup! This is called parkour" She took the iphone and tapped on her video. An instrumental version of the "Cutie Mark" song played over a montage of Scootaloo doing decidedly safe stunts, like jumping onto a two-foot table, doing a spin-kick on her scooter, and slowly climbing a chain-link fence.
"Pretty cool huh?"
"It's ok, I guess..." began Sweetie Belle. She was interrupted by a pinging noise.
"Hey Scoot!" exclaimed Applebloom, "you just got yer first comment!"
Scootaloo's face lit up, "what's it say???"
"Let's see... It's from... Diamond Tiara?" she replied bewilderedly
"Let me guess" deadpanned Scootaloo. She made air quotes and spoke in an exaggerated valley girl voice, "epic fail lol. Fake and lame. parkour for the lose..."
"Actually...'Mah father's friend is a talent agent, ah showed it ta him an' he loved it! He wants to represent you! Here's a link to his contact info.'"
"Click.it! Click it!"
"Alright, hold yer horses." She clicked the link, and the music video of "Never Gonna Give You Up" began to play, opening with a with a hard synth-percussion beat, and a skinny red haired man singing and dancing around an old fashioned microphone.
"Seriously? Rickrolling? Who still does that anymore?"
"Diamond Ti-"
"rhetorical question," butted in Sweetie Belle, "anyway, Applebloom, how about you show us what you've got?" Applebloom turned her head away and looked downcast.
"I....got nothin'" she muttered, "ah couldn't think o' any ideas. Ah spent all last night brainstormin' an' all mah ideas were stupid. It's hopeless! We'l never get find our viral video." She buried her face in her hands.
"Applebloom don't say that" said Sweetie Belle, placing an arm around her, "we just have to keep trying. We will find it someday."
"You know we will!" added Scootaloo, "because who are we?"
Applebloom looked up and wiped the tears from her face, "th-the vrial video voyagers?"
"Can't hear you."
"THE VIRAL VIDEO VOYAGERS!!!"
"That's better. Now, the Fall Formal's tonight. I say we forget about this viral video junk for one night, and just have a blast."
Applebloom smiled, "yer right, girls. Ah shouldn't be gettin' all upset over this. Thanks, by th' way." Sweetie Belle gave her a warm hug while Scootaloo made a gagging gesture.
Principal Celestia stood on the illuminated stage, holding the fancy envelope. "The Princess of this year's Fall Formal is...Twilight Sparkle!!!" The crowd cheered, as good triumphed over evil, and for the first time in too long, the crown was awarded to a student who truly deserved it. All of a sudden, from the back of the room came an unfamiliar voice.
"Twilight, HELP!!!"
"Did that dog just talk?" whispered Applebloom to her friends. Before either of them could respond, Applejack and Rarity, plus four others, darted outside in pursuit.
"Girls, somethin' big is happenin! exclaimed Applebloom, "Let's git after'em! That could we th' next viral video an' we're gonna catch it on film!"
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo rolled their eyes, but they followed their friend, genuinely curious to see what was going on. They arrived in the courtyard just in time to see Sunset Shimmer engulfed in a beam of light. They stood, frozen and slack-jawed in awe, before Applebloom shook herself out of it. "Phones, girls!" she reminded. They took out their phones and began to film, as Sunset Shimmer ripped apart the main entrance with her magic, before zombifying the students in the crowd. Unnoticed by Sunset Shimmer, the Voyagers ducked behind a corner, and continued filming as their sisters battled and defeated the demonic monster.
They could hardly contain their grins and giddiness as the excitement drew to a close. "This is it, girls" declared Applebloom, "we've finally done it!"
"Ah can't help but think we'd get more views." lamented Applebloom
"A thousand is more than we've gotten on the other videos combined." offered Sweetie Belle.
"And just look at all these comments!" beamed Scootaloo.
"Have ya actually read 'em?" asked Applebloom gloomily, "So obviously fake...ah can see th' wires...yer CGI is terrible...and fer some reason a whole lotta people sayin' they hate the blue-haired kid."
"Oh." sighed Sweetie Belle, "so what do we do now?"
"I've always wanted to try base jumping" suggested Scootaloo.
"Base jumping?" asked Sweetie Belle quizzically, "hmm, that could work."
"Base jumpin' it is then!" finished Applebloom. In unison they cried out,
"VIRAL VIDEO VOYAGER BASE JUMPERS GO!!!"
If At First You Don't Succeed... alternate ending
If At First You Don't Succeed... alternate ending
"Maybe next time" said Scootaloo, "I've got an idea too, and it'll work better if it's just me. You understand, right?"
"I guess so." replied Applebloom glumly.
"Great! See ya tomorrow!" she hurried off too, leaving Applebloom standing alone in the corridor. Applebloom stood still and watched her friend go. She leaned against the wall and slid down into a sitting position. For a long while she sat there, sniffling as tears welled up in her eyes.
"Applebloom? What ever are you doing down there?" Applebloom looked up to see Ms. Cherilee standing over her, looking quizzicaly down at her. She noticed Applebloom's tear-streaked face. "Is everything all right, dearie?"
"P-please don't ban us from th' library, Ms. Cherilee!" sobbed Applebloom, "we weren't watchin' lewd videos! Honest!"
"You and and your friends have had several... unusual outbursts the past couple of days. What in the name of Canterlot are you three getting up to?"
She wiped her eyes, "We're tryin'a make a viral video, but nothin's workin! I-it's kid stuff, you wouldn't understand."
"Applebloom, please, give your teacher some credit. Video-sharing may be a new technology, but people have wanted to get famous overnight since the dawn of time, and most of them failed. And the ones that did succeed? Well, they had to work at it for years!"
"Years? But ah want it now!!!" whined Applebloom.
"Walk with me, Applebloom. There's something I want to show you." She led Applebloom over to the audiovisual section and pulled a CD off the shelf. "Do you know who this is?"
"Course ah do, that's Elvis! Mah granny has all o' his records! But he was born with his singin' voice, it was obvious he'd get famous."
"You'd think. But in his early years, many people told him that he couldn't sing, and that he'd never, ever make it as a musician."
"They musta been crazy!"
"Well that's obvious now, but just think about how a kid, not much older than yourself, would deal with that kind of feedback."
"Prolly none too good." said Applebloom pensively, "he'd prolly just give up on music ferever...but he didn't! He kept at it an' now he's one of th' most famous singers ever!"
"Now you're getting it, Applebloom!"
"Thanks fer cheerin' me up, Miss Cherilee! Ah know what ah gotta do!"
"That's wonderful, Applebloom! I'm so glad I could help you."
"Can ah borrow this CD Miss Cheerilee?"
"Of course you may."
"All right!" cheered Applebloom, and she dashed towards the exit.
"Oh, and Applebloom?" called Cherilee.
"Yes?"
"Use headphones."
"I can't believe it! 50 thousand views in a single day!" exclaimed Scootaloo
"Ah know right! All ah had ta do was make a slideshow of th' lyrics in Windows Movie Maker an' splice in th' song"
"I like how you used a picture of blue-suede shoes in place of the words," complimented Sweetie Belle, "but won't people notice the stock-photo watermarks? Or that you misspelled a word right there?"
"Nah, nobdody's gonna care." said Applebloom, "they get ta listen to some of th' most famous music in th' world! Who wouldn't wanna watch our videos?"
"And just look at all these comments! Elvis for the win....best song ever, they love us!"
"Well girls, looks like we've done it!" cheered Applebloom, "we've finally become internet famous! Viral Video Voyagers, mission complete!" They high-fived.
A week later, the FBI arrested Applebloom for copyright infringement, and she was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Her entire family was ashamed of her, even her dog. Her cellmate, Queen Chrysalis was appalled when she heard what Applebloom had done.
"You disgust me, Applebloom." said Queen Chrysalis.
This message brought to you by the Recording Industry Association of America. Don't copy that floppy.
