Brony's Guide To Equestria

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2199

A parody of sorts on all HiE stories. Follow Leroy the 'genius' as he explains in depth why everything you thought about Equestria was dead wrong. Or most of it, anyway.

A parody of sorts on all HiE fics.

Leroy, generic teenager number 55810 brilliant adventurer with the incredible power of basic deductive reasoning, experiences firsthand the oddities of Equestria. His current mission is to detail it all in his dandy adventurer's guidebook, soon to be available in all universes.
If only he could get out of this one, that is.

Published 2014-04-19 02:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-19 02:00:06 UTC

Chapter One

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“Whoo! Suck it, rain!”

I was pretty ecstatic by the time I reached the mountaintop. Well, I say mountaintop, but it was more of a really steep hill. Or at least a pretty steep hill. Okay, it was a sort of steep hill.

It was a hill.

I was proud of myself nonetheless, having hiked so far by just myself. Whereas it had looked like I was going to get soaked due to the oncoming rainstorm, I must have outrun it. Either that, or it just passed overhead, but outrunning a storm sounds cooler. See, that’s probably the pseudonym I’m going to use when I write my guidebook.

Stormrunner. Sounds cool, eh?

Actually, now I’m bored of it. And it sounds clichéd.

“Storm puncher,” I snapped my fingers, muttering to myself. Just for the record, that happens a lot. I talk to myself, occasionally spouting exposition.

It’s genetic, on my dad’s side.

I passed more trees, as one generally finds when hiking in the mountains hills. It really wasn’t far from the cabin that my family and I were staying at for the summer, but I needed some fresh air.

And by ‘needed some fresh air’ I mean that I needed to find a safe place for ponies.

It’s a little awkward trying to watch anything My Little Pony related in a small little cabin with parents. Actually, it’s a lot awkward. And it causes uncomfortable stares that I would rather avoid. Hence, my little hiking trip through the great mosquito filled outdoors, to the hills behind the cabin. I don’t even like the outdoors that much, but my dad is pretty much adamant on the whole idea of ‘building character’.

I was minding my own business, just picking out a nice shady spot to sit down and relax with my backpack when the storm decided to come rumbling back overhead.

“Screw you, storm!” I flipped the bird to the sky, blowing brown hair out of my face. “I already won, no rematches!”

I was then nearly struck by lightning.

CRACK-KOW!

I scampered backwards, nearly tripping over myself in shock and surprise as my field of vision went screwy. Being blinded by superheated plasma can do that to a guy. I blinked for a bit, standing around and shaking like an idiot, heart racing in my chest before I finally started laughing. Mostly out of extreme relief that I hadn’t been killed, but partially to show that stupid thunderstorm who was boss.

It needed to be done.

It got me thinking as I resumed my travel to the little shady spot, because nearly being stricken by lightning wasn’t an obvious enough indication that I should leave. Don’t ask why the lightning struck the rocks instead of the clearly much taller trees, because I wasn’t thinking about that, either. No, I was thinking of how cool it would be if I were struck by lightning, then somehow magically transported to Equestria.

It then occurred to me immediately afterwards that such an idea was unbelievably stupid. Almost as stupid as car accidents lead to Equestria.

No, clearly mysterious portal is the way to go. Absolutely nothing wrong with those.

Speaking of which, one just so happened to be floating on the little spot that I had my eyes on beneath the pine tree. Gleefully, I darted up the rocks and jumped right at it, fully expecting to leap through into a brand new world.

As it turned out, it wasn’t actually a portal, and I was still seeing blobby spots from the lightning strike. In hindsight, portals to Equestria are stupid, too. I finally managed to rub the spots from my eyes with the palms of my hands and good old fashioned elbow grease (I’ve never managed to touch my eyes to my elbows. Try it, it’s hard,) and tried to relax in the shade for a little while. Pulling the laptop from my backpack without removing it from my back, I settled it on my lap and cracked my baby open, already feeling kind of stupid for swiping at thin air.

I was then blinded again by a painfully bright light, and felt myself being sucked right into the laptop screen.

Now, this introduced a very unusual problem for me. See, my friends call me ‘Tank’ for a reason.

Actually, that’s a lie. My friends call me Leroy, like everybody else. But I really want my friends to call me Tank, because Tank sounds like the name of a guy who eats nails for breakfast.

Ignoring all that, I’m not necessarily a ‘slim’ or ‘athletic’ guy. I’m not ginormous, but I sure ain’t fit.

Long story short, I got stuck.

I could definitely feel myself being pulled forward through the (still blinding, by the way) bright wormhole, but it just wasn’t strong enough to squeeze me through. Of all the problems I thought interdimensional travels might have, this definitely wasn’t one of them. I’d like to say that I thought quickly to get myself out, but the truth is that I sat there for a good five or six minutes, wriggling and trying to yank myself out while squeezing my eyes shut so that I wouldn’t go permanently blind, hopefully.

But, at last! With one final twist, I slipped through the potentially magical doorway and was pulled through.

And I say ‘pulled through’ but I really mean shot through the air like a rocket.

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So, a few things occurred to me whilst blasting through the air above the forest canopy.

Firstly, the landing was going to hurt. Like, a lot.

Secondly, whereas it was pretty incredible that I had somehow traversed the barriers between worlds, again – landing. Hurt. Lots of it.

And thirdly, it feel s really weird going through the air at that kind of speed. It’s almost like being weightless, tossed back by the wind. Very unforgettable feeling. Not all that awful, but still uncomfortable.

I would have mentioned a fourth, but I didn’t really have time for a fourth thought before taking a face full of pine needles, and then proceeded to hit what I’m sure was every single damned branch on the way to the ground.

Whack.

Whack.

Whack.

So, dad was right about falling out of the ugly tree. Huh.

Whack.

Whack.

Whack.

I plummeted right through the trees, sorely wishing that I had chosen to go fishing instead when I finally hit the ground. Thankfully, all those tree limbs managed to break my fall, somewhat.

But, again.

Ah-owwww.

I whimpered in a totally not girly way, lying on the ground and leaking agony. Also, tears. And possibly other bodily fluids, but I wasn’t all that certain because I couldn’t feel my bottom half.

Miraculously, I still had my backpack attached to me. On the downside, I didn’t think to bring a first aid kit, because I opted to bring my notebooks instead.

I know, I’m a genius.

I kind of wondered if I was just going to lay there all day before anybody came looking for me, because I really, really didn’t want to move ever again. Bruises over a majority of your body can do that. Then again, I guess I should have been glad that I was even alive. After a stretch (as in, of time. I tried stretching thought my limbs were going to come off) I dragged myself up from the ground and tried to walk off the pain.

By the way, it’s a terrible idea to try walking after falling out of a tree. Considering that I had just nearly died from doing just that, I carefully pulled one of my notebooks from my bag and fished around for a pen. That was definitely going to go into some kind of guidebook in case I lived through this and somehow managed to share the experience, and I didn’t want to accidentally forget anything.

But firstly, I needed to check to see where I actually was.

I mean, suppose that I had only taken a portal from the woods to Yellowstone National Park. That would have been rather embarrassing. Here I was, trying to make a guidebook for interdimensional travelers and all I had done was jump (sort of) through a portal to Yellowstone. I’d be a laughingstock for sure.

One of the major cues was that my perception had changed, which wasn’t exactly something that I realized upon entry. Partially because I had other things on my mind, like not dying.

I am very much into not dying. It’s, like, one of my favorite hobbies.

After grabbing myself (not like that, you perverts) and thoroughly inspecting the surrounding area, I deduced that I was definitely viewing things differently. Or from what I could tell, anyway. It might have just been that all the colors were a little bit brighter, more solid. The grass was greener, the sky was bluer, the trees were… tree…ier. And I was very much alive, which put me in a spectacular mood.

I was whistling while I walked, after having finished logging the phenomenon and zipping up my pack. All things considered, I was taking being yanked into a new world pretty well. Then again, I was almost positive of where I was when I spotted the first signs of Sweet Apple Acres.

Any Brony worth his salt knows Sweet Apple Acres, and that was definitely it. Either that, or a really good imitation. I could spot the apple trees as I walked, grin growing on my face as a plan formed. The white picket fence separating the farmland from the grass leading to the forest indicated that I was leaving the Everfree Forest.

Which was odd. Why would a portal in my laptop lead to Everfree Forest? And on that note, it appeared that I did not bring said laptop-portal with me. I then quickly noted this disappointment in my log.

I had a great plan in mind for how this particular adventure in Equestria would go. I had it all planned out within five minutes, which was all the time I needed to reach the long white picket fence.

Trust me, I’ve thought this through before.

So, the first order of business was to sneak up on Applejack, everyone’s favorite cowpony. After she undoubtedly bucked me in the head, which of course would lead to much guilt on her part once she found out how awesome I am, I would begin to work my way through the world of Equestria. First making friends with the Elements of Harmony, then working my way up to the princesses. After Applejack would come Rarity, who would doubtlessly make me clothes when asked.

What kind of monster wouldn’t take pity on clearly ripped clothing like mine, after all?

I actually made sure to widen the rips a little more on that thought, just to prepare. After that I would convince Applejack and Rarity to introduce me to Twilight, opening up routes to all her friends at once. But that was only a stepping stone to the crown jewel, the best of the lot.

The ever lovely, dark and enchanting Princess Luna.

With a history of command over dark powers, that instantly put Lulu on the top of my list.

Because shadow powers are awesome.

And with the knowledge of the fanbase at my command, there wouldn’t be hell or high water to stop me from clawing my way to the top!

Rubbing my hands gleefully after I crawled with some difficulty over the fence, it occurred to me that the hand-rubbing thing probably looked a little dastardly. And if my knowledge on villains is anything to go by, it’s that the more obvious they are, the faster they fail.

Of course, that also implied that I might actually be a villain, which was just plain silly.

With my backpack weighing me down, I readjusted the straps and marched right up to the farmhouse, looking for any sign of life. Applejack had to have been around somewhere, although I didn’t see anyone right away. It took me a few minutes of quietly creeping around the red painted farmhouse to finally discover anyone at all.

There was some small level of ruckus coming from the barn in the back, and the doors were standing wide open and throwing out a shadow from an unseen light. I could see a pony’s shape hitting something, most likely Applejack making farm equipment, or something. I wasn’t particularly concerned.

What I was concerned about was making as memorable an introduction as I could.

So, I snuck right up along the barn, jumped around the corner, and shouted at the top of my lungs.

“YO, APPLEJACK! Y’ALL RIGHT?”

I got most of the statement out, anyway.

As it turns out, it’s apparently a really bad idea to alarm anyone, let alone a very muscular, very not-Applejack stallion.

In short, Big Macintosh then proceeded to stomp me senseless.

“AAH! AAH! OH GOD! OH GOD, THE PAIN! THE PAIN! AAH!”

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~ Brony’s Guide To Equestria ~

Never startle ponies.

Author's Note

I take no responsibility whatsoever for how nonsensical or just plain stupid this story may get.