The Offer You Can't Refuse

by SneakyKGB

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Snips, Snails, Trixie, Comedy
Length: 4920

Trixie has a few bargains of her own at the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange.

Everypony dreams of going to the Traders Exchanage in Rainbow Falls, where else can you unload all your old crud and turn it into something you truly wanted? It's like a flea market in heaven, and there's only one big rule: A trade is fair, so long as both ponies get something they wanted. A business-savvy pony like The Great and Powerful Trixie should have no problem making a profit here, unless a certain Exchange Overseer has some kind of vendetta against her this year...

(This is uncut, unedited speed-writing, in honor of the new episode 'Trade Ya', so there may be some minor spoilers for you if you haven't caught that one yet.)

Published 2014-04-19 23:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-19 23:50:03 UTC

Trader Trixie

The Offer You Can't Refuse

The Rainbow Falls Annual Traders Exchange was finally in swing. After an entire year, that fabled day had finally come around again when dreams could be made and old junk could be traded for fantastic rewards. As if the entire world were in celebration of the occasion the sky was clear and sunny and all the ponies assembled on the high plateau that made up Rainbow Falls were in uplifted spirits. There was nopony in Equestria who anticipated the arrival of that day each year with as much gusto as one particular unicorn. The Great and Powerful Trixie had arrived early by train, itching to discover what bargains she could find.

“Behold,” Trixie shouted, gesturing towards the bland architecture of the station platform. “At the Trader's Exchange even the simplest of ponies can fulfill their greatest dreams. Converting junk into precious treasure, The Great and Powerful Trixie is guaranteed to once again become the unofficial queen of traders!”

“All hail The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“Yeah, Trixie's the best!”

Behind Trixie trailed the two Ponyville colts, Snips and Snails. It had been just her luck that their parents had gone out of town and required 'Great and Responsible Babysitter'—so the ad had requested—on the same day as the exchange. They made excellent workhorses, and Trixie wasted no time hitching them up to a pair of wagons loaded with her own trade goods, mostly old props from her shows and personal items she had no more use for. An entire crate was simply filled with the decorations for her stand.

Having her own wares was all fine and dandy, but Trixie was one such mare who lived for the hunt. Whilst Snips and Snails peddled her own goods, safely supervised by the Trader's Exchange security guards, Trixie would seek out the deals of a lifetime. As such, they parted ways not long after departing the train station. The colts set about the task of slowly and incompetently setting up Trixie's stall whilst she wandered off to see where the festivities would begin.

It wasn't long before a huge crowd caught her eye. Beyond her own shows, she rarely saw such a large cluster of ponies in one place, unless it was to gawk at royalty. The crowd was packed, hundreds of sweaty disgusting lowly ponies all jammed together and hooting at this year's chosen princess. Trixie could not even see past them, being blessed with a more compact shape rather than unattractively gangly limbs, but she was still curious which princess had come to oversee the exchange. Upon spotting a filly balanced atop her father's back Trixie was struck with inspiration, and began the task of clambering up the flanks of a nearby pair of stallions to peer over the crowd.

“Hey, lady, what are you crazy?” asked one stallion.

Trixie chuckled, “Perhaps Trixie might seem crazy to bestow such an honor on you before the trading has even begun, but bask in her generosity while you may. Trixie's trades from here on out won't be free.”

“Look over there, a princess!” shrieked an excited pony, drawing the attention of all as confetti rained from the heavens. Trixie looked upward, spotting a whole platoon of pegasi sprinkling the stuff on the crowd from high above. It seemed a little bit showy and out of taste, but Trixie supposed some ponies were just natural braggarts.

Leveling her gaze at the passage leading from the train station once more, Trixie laid eyes for the first time on that year's Exchange Overseer. She was confused at first upon seeing that purple showoff, Twilight Sparkle, and her entourage of tasteless hecklers. They had last met on better terms than their first meeting, but Trixie still harbored a sour spot for how they had ruined her show. More importantly, Twilight wasn't a princess. The other ponies in the crowd had to be blind to mistake her for one of Equestria's rulers. Although Trixie didn't think that Twilight had possessed wings the last time they met, it was honestly difficult for her to remember. The whole event was sort of a blur, besides the part where she'd stolen the show with her fireworks and Celestia and all of the Saddle Arabian ambassadors had cheered, “Trixie! Trixie! Trixie!”

Trixie shook her head to clear it of all her fond memories. No matter, it seemed like one of the princesses had been ill and so decided to send a lesser pony to judge the exchange that year. Trixie only hoped that it didn't have a negative impact on the experience. After all, Twilight Sparkle hardly seemed like an unbiased judge. Maybe it wasn't Twilight Sparkle at all, which would certainly explain the wings, but in fact a totally different purple pony who simply happened to have the same social circle and cutie mark? It wasn't that important, Trixie decided.

With the not-princess properly welcomed and the ceremonies concluded the day was in full swing. Trixie had already wandered through the stalls and found a number of enticing oddities to take her interest. One stall boasted a collection of unique hoof-crafted figurines for the popular tabletop game, Ogres and Oubliettes. Trixie took a gander, but she'd always been more a fan of the Age of Nightmare series and its more advanced rolling system. Another had a whole host of Star Swirl the Bearded paraphernalia, ranging from reproductions to actual artifacts from the pre-classical era. Trixie had always been a fan of his style, and as the father of the amniomorphic spell he was a great work reference. Plus being long dead made it hard for people to dispute Trixie's claims to have known him.

One item on display at the Star Swirl stall was a large ornate book, bound in purple leather and laden with gemstones. The script on the cover said that it was a reproduction of Star Swirl's own spell lexicon, a tome dripping with decades of arcane knowledge. As a student, Trixie had never paid too much attention in her classes, but she was always intrigued by the prospect of learning new and powerful spells. The merchant was an elderly balding stallion, he looked like the perfect mark.

“You there!” Trixie hollered, banging her hooves on his stall. The stallion jumped and stared at her with wide eyes. “Lucky for you, Trixie has taken an interest in your Star Swirl the Bearded spell lexicon, and she is willing to make you a generous offer.”

* * *

Moments later both Trixie and the merchant sat in the midst of a crowd of other ponies. Sitting at the top of a set of bleachers or something that had been hastily cobbled together into a pseudo-throne as befitting a not-princess was Twilight Sparkle, a gavel at her side. The merchant was glaring at Trixie as she stood proudly beside the Starswirl Lexicon, placed upon a stand nearby. A regent of guards stood on standby to make sure the proceedings went peacefully. Twilight wore a tired expression on her face.

“Explain to me again how this is a fair trade?” Twilight asked. It was clear by her lidded stare that she wasn't even taking her responsibilities seriously. Trixie was heavily irked.

Trixie cleared her throat and laid it out plainly, “The Great and Powerful Trixie has made a perfectly fair exchange. Desiring this lowly schemer's lexicon Trixie offered him a breath of fresh air, exhaled from Trixie's own lungs. The value of such an intimate gift should have been more than equivalent to that of some stupid book.”

“It's not even a lexicon,” rasped the old merchant, shaking his hoof at Trixie. “It's vintage book jewelry box, you lunatic!”

“Trixie wants it all the same!” Trixie snapped back. “And what honest pony truly doesn't want the gift of fresh air? Are you saying you wanted to suffocate? Trixie could have saved your life, you old coot.”

Twilight slammed her gavel on the bench beside her. “Order, please... Trixie, you can't trade a breath of air for a pony's belongings. This trade is clearly unfair, and I'm going to have to call it off.”

“W-what?! You can't do such an injustice. This is supposed to be a fair hearing, didn't you hear the way that pony slandered Trixie? Trixie demands a fair trial! He was coercing the witnesses.”

“There were no witnesses! It's just a trade,” Twilight sighed. She rose from her chair, something that Trixie supposed would take a colossal effort with Twilight's considerable girth of ego, and pranced away shaking her head. Likely wandering off to find some funnel cake to gorge on.

Trixie watched helplessly as the guards returned the merchant's tome and sent him on his way, while Trixie got nothing in return. This wasn't the way the Trader's Exchange was meant to be. He had gotten something he wanted, and Trixie was left empty-hooved. All because of that poser masquerading as royalty, incapable of doing her job properly. Too busy heckling with her heckler friends, no doubt, to take such a momentous day with the respect it deserved.

* * *

“Trixie! You can't trade a strand of your mane for his entire collection of Mane-iac comic books.”

“Why not?” Trixie cried in disbelief.

Twilight smacked her forehead, “Because he doesn't want it! That's practically the only rule that applies in the Trader's Exchange. In order for a trade to be fair, both ponies must get something they want.”

Trixie watched in dismay as the entire cart of comic books she'd confiscated was carted away. Again, Twilight left wordlessly. Trixie could practically see the pretzel crumbs in Twilight's fur around her muzzle. It was no wonder she was so hasty to end all these trade disputes that she couldn't even look at the facts, it was right around lunch time. Trixie made a note to be more careful of her timing in her trades. It seemed she would have to be more crafty to get around Twilight's eating schedule.

* * *

“For the last time, I don't want to kiss your hoof!” cried a disgruntled mare in a Daring Do cosplay. “And my hat isn't for sale!”

“Trixie!” Twilight growled.

Slam! The gavel came down and crushed Trixie's hopes once more. The hat she'd bartered evenly for was taken away and given back to the thief merchant and their esteemed overseer left them to their devices. Trixie dug a rut in the ground in frustration. What did she have to do in order to get a fair trade? It seemed like everypony was against her this ye-

* * *

“Why would I want to wear your hat?” asked Lyra, brought before the stand.

Twilight groaned, “Trade overruled, go back to your business. Sorry, Lyra.”

Lyra took back her collection of mannequins and went on her way. Trixie rotted in a miasma of her own malcontent, tugging down the brim of her own hat to hide the tears of frustration blooming in her eyes.

* * *

“You don't even have a castle!” Twilight cried, slamming her gavel down.

* * *

“She tried to say a hoof clipping was a fair trade for my baby!”

Twilight smashed the gavel down into the dent she'd been steadily making.

* * *

“Um, I'm a dentist. Do you need to see my license?” said Colgate, looking confused as to why this was even up for debate.

Slam!

* * *

“Well, I, um, I guess I could work in Trixie's show,” Fluttershy muttered, barely audible above the murmurs of the crowd. “I mean, it was very generous of her to offer me that piggyback ride, I guess. It's just... um... I don't really... enjoy performing. Crowds make me a little bit, well, nervous...”

Slam!

* * *

“Spaaaarkleeee!!” Trixie roared at the skies, raising her trembling hoof into the air.

Twilight looked like she was about to cry, sitting behind a stall piled high with old books from her own library. “Whaaat?” she droned, eager to get this over with. “Trixie this is the twenty-second time that you've come to me asking me to dispute a trade, and I've got a feeling it's not going to end any differently from the other twenty-one. I'm really sorry that you haven't found anypony who's willing to trade with you, but this has got to stop. Have you ever considered, maybe, trading some actual items for the things you want?”

Trixie snorted, “It's just like you, Twilight Sparkle, to think you knew everything about Trixie. Well things are different now, and I don't need you to incompetently judge any more disputes, robbing Trixie of all the belongings she has rightfully traded for. No, my business here is just that. You see, Trixie has taken an interest in some of your own stock, and while Trixie is still hurt by our previous dealings in the courtroom, I'm willing to put that behind us for the sake of business. After all, that is in the spirit of the Annual Trader's Exchange, and Trixie is nothing if not spiritual.”

Unable to hold it back, Twilight yawned. When she finished she stared dubiously at Trixie and made a beckoning gesture, “Alright, lay it on me. What did you want to trade, Trixie?”

“Well, Twilight Sparkle-

“Trixie, just call me Twilight, please?”

“Well, Twilight Sparkle,” Trixie reiterated, holding a hoof to her breast and her muzzle towards the clouds. “It just so happens that The Great and Powerful Trixie has come across an ancient arcane secret that she thinks just might be able to interest you. In exchange for your advertised princess-making books, Trixie is willing to trade you this spell she has learned.”

By that point in the day Twilight was prepared to say yes just to give Trixie a break. She'd already wasted both of their mornings and most of the afternoon with trial after trial. Twilight had assumed her job would be easy, but it had been nothing but a hassle all day. Even her own friends had gotten roped into the madness. To her surprise, however, Trixie actually had a pretty tempting offer. She knew that Twilight was all about learning new things, and it hardly seemed like a problem to trade away the books she didn't need in exchange for a bit of knowledge.

“Okay Trixie, I'm interested,” said Twilight, not without suspicion. “What kind of spell do you want to teach me?”

Trixie grinned. “Watch in awe, Twilight Sparkle, if you can. You see, this spell gives Trixie the ability to instantaneously cross large distances. All it requires is a little focus and a lot of magical aptitude.” Trixie focused for a moment, gritting her teeth and powering up her horn until her entire body glowed purple. There was a brilliant flash of light and she disappeared, reappearing shortly afterward a few feet away. “Behold, Twilight Sparkle!” she huffed, a little out of breath. “Even you can learn this trick, though it may take you some time to master it.”

Twilight couldn't hold back the smile on her lips, she barely restrained her laughter as she spoke, “Trixie, I already know how to teleport. I've been doing that for years now. I appreciate the offer, but you can't teach me something I already know.”

“W-what?” Trixie hissed. “How can that be? Twilight Sparkle, I had thought we were friends. Admittedly, our relationship has been rocky ever since you made it your personal mission to ruin The Great and Powerful Trixie's day at the Trader's Exchange but now you refuse to even trade with me? Who are you to jealously guard the secrets of princesshood held in those books you have for sale? Who died and made you-”

Trixie stopped dead in her tracks and gasped dramatically.

“Trixie?” said Twilight, growing concerned. “Is everything... okay?”

It all made sense. The pieces all lined up. Why weren't any of the princesses at the Exchange? Out of three of them, surely at least one could have made it that year. How had Twilight acquired those wings and that gavel? It wasn't like anypony would just give them to her. She wasn't qualified for the job at all, any idiot could tell. No real princess of Equestria would have allowed Twilight to take their place unless... unless the princesses were all gone. Unless Twilight Sparkle had wormed her way into their good graces and kidnapped them all... or worse.

Trixie took a step back, her whole body trembling. To think that she'd almost made a deal with Twilight Sparkle to take all of her books. The books that were likely filled with all the evidence of Twilight's deeds, ripe to be pawned off onto an unsuspecting pony who would then be stuck with the blame and arrested for all time. No, Trixie was not that fool. She couldn't be tempted with the promise of royalty. She had discovered Twilight's plan and now she could fight back, even if there wasn't another pony alive who believed her.

“AAAAAAAAAAHH!” Trixie screamed and ran away from the cruel dictator before she could call the guards.

Twilight sighed again, “I hate to say it after all she's put me through today, but I'm genuinely worried about that pony. Maybe I was too hard on her?” Twilight turned to seek out Pinkie Pie's advice. She was met by a straw hat and a fake moustache as well as an ear-to-ear grin.

“Aw, don't worry about her,” said Pinkie, “She's probably just so excited to buy all your books that she had to run tell everypony she knows before she comes back to make you another offer.” As if she hadn't even stopped Pinkie went back into her speal, advertising Twilight's books to the onlookers and appraising their offerings in Twilight's stead.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Trade Exchange grounds Trixie was assembling her army. In her hooves she carried a massive pile of fireworks, reserves that she always had on-hoof in case she needed to put on a show or introduce herself. With magic she'd torn down her stall. Snips and Snails regarded her as though she'd gone insane, but she simply hadn't had the time to explain to them what was going on. All she needed was their undivided loyalty, and the bravery to do what was necessary. To do what was right, for all of Equestria.

“Help me destroy Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie cried maniacally, lobbing her fireworks at the two colts.

“I don't think I like it when she gets like this...” said Snips, shivering all over as he flinched to avoid the explosives.

Snails nodded in agreement, likewise overcome by terror. “All hail The Great and Powerful Trixie?” he offered, not wanting to make Trixie angrier than she already was.

They only had so much time. In a matter of hours the Trader's Exchange would be closed and Twilight would go home. Trixie could just picture that purple ex-unicorn sitting atop the throne in Canterlot, lording her status over all the miserable ponies. Probably forcing dozens of innocent mares to tirelessly construct tapestries in her own image to adorn the entire city with. It seemed like the sort of thing Twilight Sparkle might try, she wasn't very original after all. She probably got the idea to get rid of the princesses from that old Nightmare Moon story too.

Trixie could remember coming to the Trader's Exchange as a filly with her father. She'd watched in amazement as he brought nothing but a paperclip or a sewing needle, and managed to trade and trade until they went home with something incredible. Trixie had always wanted to be like that, capable of turning junk into treasure by simply bartering for it. It seemed like she hadn't been as talented as her father was at it, but she still tried every year. It was a sacred tradition, one that the tyrant, Twilight Sparkle, now tried to uproot. Trixie wouldn't let that happen.

“I wonder who will be the princess when Twilight Sparkle is gone if the other princesses are all gone too,” Trixie mused. Obviously she was the only choice, but Trixie wasn't sure if she could tie herself down to the responsibility of it all. That was a question for later, after her victory, however.

* * *

“Pinkie, I don't think you understand the point of all this. I'm just trying to offload some books that have been taking up space. I really don't mind if I don't get anything great out of the trade,” Twilight was complaining after watching Pinkie snatch a vintage record out of her hooves and practically throw it back at the pony offering it.

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” A familiar showboating voice yelled.

“Ugh, what now?”

Twilight was struck silent by what she saw next. Gliding through a crowd of pedestrians, taller than two ponies stacked on top of one another, was a massive tank constructed of plywood and cardboard. A large banner depicting a crude representation of Trixie's cutie mark was hastily stapled to its sides, and a dozen bottle rockets protruded from a cannon barrel that appeared to be made of paper towel rolls. It took a moment for Twilight to take notice of the two sets of hooves beneath the impromptu death machine, working frantically to keep it moving forward. Seated in the top, of course, poking out of the hatch, was none other than Trixie, flailing a scepter that looked like it was made out of clay, molded into her own image.

“Your charade has gone on too long, Twilight Sparkle. You thought that you could take over Equestria without anypony stopping you? Well, you forgot about me, didn't you? You see, Twilight. I knew about your plan all along. All my distractions today were keenly placed to gain information about your coup de grace on pony society. You did away with all the princesses and now you think you can take their place just by gluing some craft store wings onto your sides and showing up to do their jobs. Except you never expected to be found out by The Great and Powerful Trixie!” A stall exploded somewhere off in the distance, nothing like the dazzling display Trixie had intended. Somepony in that general direction was screaming. Trixie kept her gaze set on Twilight and tried to ignore it.

Twilight made a series of noises of disbelief and agitation. She felt like she was about to burst. “For the love of Celestia, Trixie. All I wanted to do today was get rid of some of my books and make it through one of my first royal duties without any accidents. Why of all days did you have to pick this one to go completely insane? I mean, it's inconceivable why you even thought this thing would work. You put together an implement of war out of scrap wood and stage props, for crying out loud. Do you even read the newspapers? I've been a princess for almost a year now, and you still haven't heard about it? I don't like to brag or anything, but you have got to be kidding me!”

Trixie slashed her scepter through the air. “Cease your excuses, Twilight Sparkle. Your lies fall on deaf ears. Trixie will defeat you here and now and release all the ponies you have already enslaved. FIRE!”

On her mark all of the fireworks in the barrel of her tank were lit. Ponies began to scream and scatter in all directions as the fuses burned into nothingness. The rockets launched out all at once and spiraled off in random directions, harmlessly bursting in the air or burying themselves in the dirt and sizzling quietly there. More than half of the fireworks Trixie had set off were duds, and all the rest Twilight easily knocked out of the way with her magic. She hadn't even managed to burn any of Twilight's books.

“Trixie, enough is enough. I really am a princess now, and I really am supposed to be here. Now let's all calm down, dismantle our tanks, and please get back to doing what we all came here to do?”

“How silly of you, Twilight Sparkle. For you know, Trixie only goes places for one reason, and one reason alone. To win!”

Trixie leapt out of her tank with her scepter in her teeth and swung it at Twilight. Using her wings, Twilight floated above the ground, watching as Trixie flailed her head back and forth, beating up the air where she had been. Whether she'd eaten something funny during the festivities or just woken up on the wrong side of the bed, it seemed clear to Twilight that she needed to be stopped. Using magic Twilight grabbed Trixie by the tail and hoisted her up. Trixie dropped her scepter in surprise and her hat slipped off her head, falling gracefully to the grass below.

Twilight took a deep breath, attempting and failing to purge her mind of all stress and agitation. “Trixie, what would it take to make you stop trying to destroy me?”

“A castle! I want to be a duchess in your new empire, and I want to be included in all the important meetings and banquets.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and bopped Trixie on the head with one of her books. “No.”

“But-”

“No, Trixie.” Twilight bopped her again, as lightly as she could manage at her current level of impatience.

Trixie nodded, still upside down. “You make a fair point, Twilight Sparkle. Only you forgot one thing.”

“What's that?”

“Aha!” Trixie crushed something between her hooves and a giant cloud of purple smoke engulfed the two of them.

Twilight yelped in surprised and released her magical grip, batting her wings harder to blow away the cloud. When it had cleared away Trixie had disappeared, along with Snips and Snails, leaving a hollow plywood tank and a completely hysterical crowd of terrified ponies for Twilight to deal with. On the other side of the field she saw Rarity and Applejack having some sort of argument, and it looked like Fluttershy was leaving the Trader's Exchange with some stranger and a giant two-headed dog. Pinkie pie was in the middle of striking a deal with a pony who was clearly just uncomfortable with everything he'd just witnessed, and to top it all off, half of the stalls nearby were now either singed or completely on fire. All in all, Twilight felt like this particular event fell under the category of 'minor disaster'.

“I need a nap,” said the exhausted princess, floating back down to her stall and curling up on her pile of books.

No one knows what happened to Trixie that day. She wasn't spotted again for the rest of the evening, although most of the items she'd bartered for were reported missing later that day. Rumors began to spread about that mare, the one who'd challenged a princess of Equestria and gotten away unscathed. Some said that she was a renegade, just a strange mare who was a few crayons short of the whole box. Others believed her story, they too began to question Twilight's ascension to power even after the other princesses released a public statement about the incidents that occurred that day.

So on she wanders, somewhere off the beaten path. Growing stronger every day, and waiting for the moment when she might have her chance to uncover the truth. Not a moment goes by that she doesn't wonder if things might be better this way, if maybe Equestria is better off not knowing that they've played right into Twilight's hooves. She made a promise that day though, to all living things, that one day they would be given the choice to see the world for what it really was. To choose whether they would obey, or whether they would fight. So on she walks, a shadow, a myth, a legend, drawing ever closer to her destiny as the savior of the pony race.

* * *

Sluuuurp!

Trixie set down her tea cup and shrugged, slouching in her chair. She sat across from her grandmother in the older mare's Canterlot apartment. Right about that moment she was enduring one of the most unpleasant silences she'd ever felt as her grandmother just stared at her like she'd lost her marbles. Family reunions always tended to go that way, that was why Trixie felt like she was better off sending postcards. When the silence continued for another several moments and Trixie could no longer keep making slurping noises and pretend she still had tea—having emptied both her cup and the entire teapot—she decided it was time to leave.

“So I guess it was an okay year,” Trixie said in review. “I found a few good deals. Nothing like dad ever came away with though. I'll see you next time, grandma, Trixie needs to get going.”

So on she walked, a legend.

Author's Note

Oh boy, that was fun. This is the first time I've ever written a piece just because an episode inspired me to do it. It's completely unedited, and honestly I didn't even read through it a second time. So I understand if you've got some complaints about it, but I've got no intentions of redoing it. I wrote this for fun, and honestly I had a lot of fun doing it, so mission accomplished and I hope you guys enjoy it too. Ciao!