I blame magic and the Forces of the Universe!

by PrincessLunaTheGamer

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Anthro, Comedy
Length: 8479

A man randomly gets sent to Equestria, along with his entire apartment.

Looks like magic, (And the universe) decided to screw around with some random guys life, and send him and his room to Equestria. He immediately gets arrested for some reason, and things kinda spiral out of control, with the universe laughing at his misery.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-06 07:53:18 UTC

Chapter 1

I woke up with a groan, a pounding headache, and the sun shining in my eyes, making them feel like they were about to explode. Throwing the covers of my bed, I shambled like a zombie over to the small kitchenette, pouring a cup of water and leaning on the counter, sipping it. At least its gotten a little better. I thought, finishing the cup of water and walking over to my computer desk.

Getting on call of Duty, I played a few matches. I screwed up a lot, considering I was hungover and tired, but still managed to get a decent score. Logging off, I went to sit on my couch, and turned the TV on. "Welp, I have no idea where I am anymore!" On the news it said, 'Mass murder outside of Manehattan just last night.' Above that was a reporter talking, the microphone in front of her without her holding it. Below that was a logo saying 'Equestrian News.'

"Hey! Open up!" A voice in front of my door said. "Equestrian police! Here to arrest one-" At that moment, an airplane flew overhead.

"Wait a sec! What am i getting arrested for?" I asked. I was in no mood for this. I was dealing with a hangover, in another world, and tired.

"The theft of several hundred bits from a Pony Aid!" The man shouted. "Now open up or I'll kick the door in!"

I chuckled quietly to myself. "You can try buddy. How I love my grandfather for giving me that wooden casing!" Getting up and shing to my bedroom, I put on a black SAO shirt, black hoodie, black jeans, and black shoes.

"Alright! I'm kicking the door open if you don't come out right now!" The man yelled again.

"I'm comin'! Calm down!" I yelled back, before walking to the front door and opening it, to reveal a man in a dark blue shirt with a badge on it, dark blue pants with black stripes going down it, and a holster with a pistol on his waist, cap perched on his head.

"You're coming with me." The man said.

"Fine. Sheesh. Get here today and all of a sudden I'm a criminal." I muttered, loud enough for the man to hear.

"Today? You've been living here for eight years, as an engineer!" The man said as we walked through the hallway into the stairwell, marching down all four floors.

"Yeah, I'm an engineer. I just started though! Last year, maybe? God, I've barely been living in Manhattan for a year!" I said, forming a plan. The cop hadn't cuffed me, which was good, because then I could beat his ass.

"Don"t even think of trying to escape. I've put magical bonds on your hands. While they feel free, the moment I give the word, you'll be electrified." Looking down at my hands, I realized that he was right. I could see the slightest hint of orange under the sleeves of my hoodie. As we marched out of the building, and into the parking lot, I squinted, the sun hurting my eyes just a bit. "Get in." The cop said, gesturing to the open back door of his car.

I marched wordlessly passed him before getting in the car, the cop closing the door and starting the car, before driving out of the parking lot toward what looked like a train depot. After a few minutes, we finally got there, and after putting me on the train, the cop left. I was shoved into a random car, which had two other people in there. "Hey." I greeted, sitting next to them.

"Hello." One of them said. She had dark hair and purple eyes, and looked a mite snobbish.

"'Sup!" The other said. She had two toned messy blue hair, and dark purple shades.

"So what are you in here for?" I asked.

"I'm not in here for anything." The black haired one said. "Vinyl managed to somehow get me drunk. It took a bad turn after that."

Vinyl chuckled. "Come on Octavia! Just admit that you enjoyed it!"

I smiled. "I supposedly stole a few hundred dollars last night. Yeah right. I was at a nightclub. Last time too. This morning I woke up, did my usual routine after getting drunk the night before, played some video games while I felt like falling asleep, and when i turned on the news, Bam! Someplace called Equestria. I blame the universe." Scowling, I went searching through my pocket.

"We're not payed for this." Octavia and Vinyl said at the same time.

"Aha! I knew it was in here!" I yelled triumphantly, grinning and holding an iPod in the air. Turning it on and putting in the password, I went to iTunes. "Good. Yes! It's here!" I clicked on a song, and played Reptile by Skrillex.

"Oh not you too!" Octavia complained.

"Oh yeah!" Vinyl said.

The rest of the ride continued in silence until the train stopped. I quickly turned off the iPod and put it back in my pocket. "Follow me." The cop said. This guy looked serious. He had blue hair, blue crystally armor on, and was levitating handcuffs in front him, three pairs, obviously meant for us.

Putting on the cuffs, I did as he said, looking around at the buildings. The were big, they were fancy, and they were all white and golden colored. All around, I noticed the people looking at us in disgust. "Wonder why there here?"

"Another stealing? Why don't they just get a job?"

"Maybe murder? Who would do such a thing!"

"Some people steal because they can't get a job. Or aren't getting payed enough." I muttered.

"What was that?" The guard asked sharply. I could hear the fury in his voice.

"Nothing." I responded.

"W're here." The guards topped at a big building that looked a tad like a courtroom.

"Captain Armor Sir! These the three?" One of the guards at the entrance asked as we marched up the steps.

"Yes." The guard said. "Take them to the Princesses."

We finished marching up the stairs to reveal... An open doorway that was massive! With more stairs!

After we finished walking up those stairs, I was gasping. "Why are there so many stairs?" I muttered.

"Quiet!" The guards said simultaneously.

In front of us was another massive doorway, and inside was a courtroom. At the judges seat sat two people. One was pale, with rainbow colored hair that was flowing in an imaginary breeze. The other was a bit more tan, with dark blue hair that looked like it was also flowing in an imaginary breeze. "Today we are gathered here to discuss these three's cases.-" A train whistle stopped anyone from hearing what she was saying. "-Stealing several hundred bits. Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Melody, you are accused of drunk driving and starting a bar fight."

This was gonna be a long day. I braced myself, and got ready for the storm.

Chapter 2

"Let us start! Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Melody, you are accused of starting a bar fight, severely injuring several people, drunk driving, and trying to punch one of us. What do you plead?"

"Guilty."

"Ten years in jail. Guards! Take them away!"

I interrupted. "One question. Is drinking legal?"

The rainbow colored hair judge nodded.

"Then they shouldn't be at fault. It's alcohol. You can't really control what happens with alcohol. And I see no defense attorney. So this trial wasn't fair." I said.

"Shut up." A guard told me.

"Wait. Let him speak." The blue colored hair one said.

"Nah! Go on with the case." I said. "Just sayin', alcohol causes you to do stupid stuff."

"True." The blue haired one said.

"And Octavia got pulled into this by Vinyl... So yeah... Not their fault... Yeah... My turn now, right?"

The rainbow haired one spoke. "Vinyl, Octavia, three months community service. The next case?"

I stepped up, Vinyl and Octavia leaving the room, relieved expressions on their faces.

"You are accused of stealing several hundred bits. What do you plead?"

"Is innocent bystander, or accidental dimension jumper OK? I mean, who the hell are you? What the fuck is Equestria? What's the purpose of a rubber duck? What are bits?" I asked. "I dunno. Last night I got hammered. I remember getting on Civ V... I think I won too."

A purple haired person ran through the doors. "Princess! One of my spells went crazy last night! I was practicing the teleport spell, when a massive surge of power! Discord! Chicken! Fire! Lightning!" This kept happening for a few minutes. I glanced between the purple haired figure and the other two.

"Does this happen often?" The rainbow haired one nodded. "I would feel sorry for you. Except for the fact that she's now explaining why I'm here."

"Last night I was practicing a teleportation spell I found in one of the books you sent me! It would allow me to look at other dimensions! Then a chicken on fire ran in the room, I panicked! Lightning struck! Discord was laughing! Everypony was running! Gah! What do we do? There could be an unknown entity running around Equestria murdering innocent ponies!" The girl was hyperventilating now.

"Or he could be standing here for something he didn't do?" I said, grinning. "Welp, this explains why I'm here, please let me go!"

The girl looked up and stepped towards me. "You're the one I accidentally summoned? Your similar to us, almost everything is the same... Except your teeth. I see both molars and canines, meaning your an omnivore..." The girl took a step back, and her hands started glowing purple.

"What..." I was confused. Everything going on, plus something telling me something bad was gonna happen made me cautious.

"Strange! It seems you have no magic at all!" The girls hands stopped glowing.

"Eh... Magic? Magic? As in fairy tail, myth, kinda magic? Spells and fireballs and ice? Healing and levitation? That kinda magic?" At a nod from the girl, I sighed. "Ye-"

"Celestia! Your reign will finally come to an end, and the Queen will rule!" A swarm of people wearing some kind of black armor burst in through the window. Three of them flew toward me using wings not unlike an insect, the rest splitting up and flying towards different people.

"Stay away from him!" The two guards said, rifles up.

"Weak!" One of them said, shooting the guard in the foot and kicking him in the jaw. The other guard was taken down by tackle, and repeatedly being punched in the face.

One of the things moved towards me and cut my cuffs ff using some sort of green... magic. "Thanks." I said.

"Come with me." The thing said. The armor, I realized, was actually their skin.

I went digging through my pockets again, finding what I wanted. "Nice offer. No." I punched the thing in the face as hard as I could, leaving a dent and stunning him. I used my chance to wrench the pistol from the things hand and shot it in the head. It fell towards the ground, green blood coming out of the hole.

"Get him!" The other two flew at me, shooting. I looked around for any cover, and dove behind a nearby desk, which some guards had overturned. Peeking my head over, the two were still flying at, proven as a bullet flew past my head.

"Fuck." I muttered, before jumping up, and shooting the lead on in the wing, before diving down again.

"Grenade out!" Someone near me shouted.

I crouched down, and explosion sending several things flying. Peeking up again, the two that had been after me had stopped following me. I jumped up again, and this time took aim at one of the things about to shoot a guard in the back. The bullet went through, killing the thing instantly. "Here!" A rifle was shoved into my hands, along with three extra clips.

"Thanks!" I perched the rifle on the desk much like a turret, my head barely above enough to shoot. "Thanks for the shooting lessons, grandpa." I took aim at a group of the things that had circled three guard. I put the rifle on burst, before pressing the trigger, the rifle kicked against my shoulder, and I saw one of the things fall, but I barely looked at that before firing again. Another one bit the dust. Before I could fire again, an black oval came over the wall. I had a good guess as to what it was.

"Grenade!" I got up and ran the hell outta there. The explosion made me fly forward, and I felt my body hitting something hard, before blacking out.

When I woke up, the courthouse was in ruins, and I couldn't see anyone, My body was partly under rubble, and by that i mean everything but my head. Before I could try to get out, it was lifted by a familiar purple color. "They murdered them." A rage filled voice said. A big figure towered over me, but that was all I saw before blacking out.

Chapter 3

Pain. My body was full of pain. I guess that's what I get when you're buried under rubble. I opened my eyes, and even that took massive effort. "He's awake!" Someone shouted. From what I could see, the room I was in was white, and filled with more beds.

"Why do I always manage to hurt myself?" I asked. I groaned and tried to sit up. Before I could, a girl with pink hair and pale skin pushed me back down.

"Please don't try to get up." She said in a soft but firm voice. Nodding, I just sat there. And sat there. And sat there. This continued for a few hours.

"Let me see." I said, rummaging through my hoodie pocket again. "Aha! It's not broken, thank god!" I turned my iPod on and started to play Flappy Bird. A few hours later, I was ready to burn that damn phone in hell. "Alright, spawn of satan." I muttered to the bird. Just get through this... One... Last... Pipe!" I screamed the last word. "Motherfucker! Damn bird! Why? Just get past fucking pipe five! Yous pawn of satan, I bet you're holding some sort of dark magic! Show me your secrets! Show them!"

I didn't realize that the girl from before had come up until she touched my shoulder. "Um... Please calm down... If that's OK with you, of course."

"OK... Deep breaths... Not playing that for a while." Before I could do anything else, a guard came up, and grabbed my arm, pulling me put of the bed.

"Hey! Not this shit again." I sighed, following the guard, who still had his grip of iron around my iron. He took me through several hallways, all of them white and spotless. We stopped at a door with chicken scratch on it.

"In here." The guard opened the door and shoved me inside.

"Well thanks." I muttered, rubbing my arm, before turning around. It was the same guy in the blue crystal armor who had put me in cuffs, and probably saw my head sticking out of the rubble.

"Sit down." The man said, pointing at a chair in front of his desk. "Now, you're wondering why you're here. You are one of the only ones who survived the courtroom mess, and, subsequently, the invasion of Canterlot and several other cities. One other survived. Twilight, and she's still in shock at what happened. Now, what happened that day?"

The man was angry. He had slammed his hands on the desk, and was glaring at me. "Well... I got up like any other day after getting hammered, played some video games while tired, then a cop said I was getting arrested for stealing money. Which I didn't do. We went to the train, we went to... Canterlot... We reached the courtroom, waited for my case, then these... Things... Burst in through the window. They set me free, after splitting up, and I punched one in the face after he set me free using my brass knuckles. I lived in the part of my neighborhood that had violence and stuff."

"Anyway, I took his gun, and ran behind a table where a bunch of other people were. We were shooting them, someone gave me a rifle, then a grenade came over, and I was sent flying into a wall, I presume. And why did that grenade have so much power?" I asked.

"Magic charged." The man said. "Damn. Thanks. For, you know, helping Twily. She's the one with purple hair. And the princesses have been killed... This is bad. That leaves me and Cadence in charge, and she's at the Crystal Empire." A knock at the door interrupted him.

"Get your hands off me!" A voice said. A women walked in. She had dark brown hair, and tannish skin, with green eyes. Another thing i noticed that was odd was that she had wings. Honest to god wings.

"Question! Who here has wings?" I asked.

"Pegasi and Griffins. Dragons too. Pegasi can make theirs appear at will." I nodded.

"That explains it."

"Take a seat. Both of you." The man pointed at the seat in front of his desk. I gestured for the woman to take it. I was perfectly comfortable standing. That, and the way she glared at me.

"I have gathered you two here today for a reason." The man started. "That reason is that you will become the elite of the elite. You, will become the B-Team. Why? You both survived when you shouldn't have. The enemy misses you. Which is the best way to stay alive, and move up through the ranks."

"I ain't no Major Cain. He was the best at being missed. Except by nukes. Continue."

"Anyway, you two will infiltrate occupied cities, and teach the locals guerrilla tactic, to help from the inside. There are already several confirmed rebellions, and more that aren't. Your job is to go in, help them establish a good foothold, then move to the next city. Simple as that. I chose you two, specifically because you-" He pointed at me, "Should know what guerrilla tactics, judging from your appearence." I shrugged. "And you-" he pointed at the griffin, "Because you are a fighter. You know how to fight, and you'll need to pass your skill on. The first city is the capital of the Griffin kingdom. Dismissed." I left the room and waited outside for the griffin to come out.

"Hey." I said, following her. "My name is-" an especially loud explosion went off somewhere in the underground base. "What's yours?"

"Gilda! Do you know where the armory is?" She asked frantically. Nodding, I pointed at the hallway where allt he soldiers were coming out of, holding rifles.

"Lets go!" I took off after Gilda. We ran through the stream of soldiers, and we eventually reached the armroy. I didn't miss a beat. I took a black vest and put it on, took a rifle with four extra magazines, and a pistol with two, and three grenades, frag, before running out, Gilda on my heels. I could hear the gunshots coming from up ahead, and before we reached them, I stopped, looking for something.

"In there!" I pointed at a vent. "Fly up and lift me up! We can flank the enemy!" Gilda looked at me, before doing as I said.

"Thanks. Now, from what I can tell, we need to take a right, take a left... Then we're..." I kicked a vent out, and dropped down, surrounded by things.

"Get him. Take his weapons." One of them said.

"Tsk tsk." I pulled out a grenade, my hand on the pin. "One more step and I'll blow you all up with me." A noice from above drew everyones attention, except mine. Thanks Gilda. I though, before putting the grenade away, pulling out my pistol and shooting two of the things, before diving behind a corner, Gilda finally flying down to join me.

"What do we do?" She asked, shooting at the things more for suppression than anything.

"Get low!" I took out a grenade, and pulled the pin before sending it rolling towards the things.

A big boom, and several body parts flying towards the wall next to us let me know it hit. Looking at Gilda, I pulled out my rifle and nodded. One thing stood up, one of its arms bleeding, holding the other up in a sign of surrender. Before we could do anything else, a burst of gunfire and three bullets hit the things head. "What was that for! It was surrendering!" I shouted at the person who had shot it. He was standing in the middle of the hallway.

"It doesn't deserve to live." He said. I sighed.

"That's where you're wrong. Everything does. Remember that." I nodded to Gilda, and we went back into the vents, towards the sound of another firefight.

Chapter 4

I stood pacing in front of the commanders office. "Calm down." Gilda said. "Nothing bad happened. I think."

I glared at her. "That's so reassuring."

The commander said, "Come in." But something was off. Glancing at Gilda, I shrugged before walking into the office.

The first thing I noticed was the commander. He looked like shit. He had dark bags under his eyes, it didn't look like he shaved, and his armor was dented and scratched from the fight yesterday. "You look like shit." I said.

"He does." Gilda said.

"That's enough." The commander said. "Now, what were we talking about yesterday?"

I frowned. "... About how we were going to infiltrate Canterlot and assassinate Queen Chrysalis."

"Oh yeah. OK, you'll pene-" he stopped, my pistol pointed at his head.

"Get out of the seat, and change back. I know you're not the commander." I growled. "Your eyes gave it away. They glowed green for just a second. But that was enough."

The thing slowly got up, before being engulfed in green flames, and returning to its normal form. "It's too late! I already know your plan, and so does the rest of the hive!"

"Die." I shot the thing in the head, before turning to Gilda. "We need to leave. Leave all the gear here. We're going to the Griffin capital."

Several hours later, and help from a unicorn, and we were there. We had nothing, except our fists, and my brass knuckles. "Lets get inside."

Marching up to the front gate, we stopped at the admission booth. The griffin, obviously a changeling, took our passports, stamped them, and waved us in. Nodding, Gilda and I passed through the gate, and into the city.

Then it hit me. I could feel the depression and sadness in the griffins. "Damn." I whispered. All but a few had there eyes on the ground, not bothering to look up.

"Come on! I see a changeling supply depot. They wouldn't mind if we... Liberated... A few things." Gilda grinned.

I smiled, the only thing on my face visible. "Lets go. We need weapons and radios. And codenames. I'll be Shadow due to... Eh, you get it. You?"

"Hawk." She said as we walked towards the depot.

"Looks like no ones guarding! Come on, we need to be quick!" We ran across the stretch of pavement that was the road, before taking cover behind some supply crates. "This has radios! Take one!" I said after taking a peek inside of it.

"Got it!" Gilda reached her hand in and pulled one out. I did the same, and slipped it under my hood and onto my ear.

"Weapons over there!" There was a big crate with the word WEAPONS written in big red letters.

"It might be a trap!" Gilda said.

"Well said, my apprentice. Now... Lets see... Aha!" I had moved to a different crate, that was small and unmarked. "In here!"

I took out a rifle and three magazines and a pistol with two. "Got it!" I moved around to look at the trap crate, to see two griffins sneaking towards it.

"Don't!" I yelled at them. "It's a trap!" They weren't listening. Instead, they were slowly moving towards the crate. Activating the radio, I said, "Hawk, get up on the roofs. We're probably gonna get ambushed. Provide cover fire."

"You got it, Shadow."

Turning back to the two griffins, I frowned. They had stopped, and were circling the box, as if a monster were in it, before I heard, "Get off my foot! You must way over a hundred pounds!"

"Perfect." I whispered. "Welp, looks like we're about to have some fun!" I started walking to the two griffins. "Open up the crate. Lets give them a surprise." The griffins looked at me, then my rifle, then smiled, before going to open the box.

I aimed down the iron sights of the rifle at the box, ready to press the trigger, as the griffins opened it up. "Now!" Someone shouted from inside the box. Four changelings jumped out, guns ready. "Hawk! Give me that support!" I yelled, as I ran behind a crate, the two griffins right behind.

"I got 'em. Don't worry." Gilda said. I heard three bursts of gunfire, and three thuds, before I peeked around the crate. The last changeling was looking around wildly, searching for whoever or whatever killed his friends. I aimed my rifle, and fired a burst, dropping the changeling.

"They never look up." I said. Before anything else happened, the place was swarmed by griffins and ponies. "What's going on again." I asked.

"Get that weapon box to base! The radios are not our first priority, bit try and get them! Try and get everything, damn it!" I saw a griffin telling a mix of griffins and ponies, who I assumed was the rebellion.

"Hawk, het down here." I said.

"We may have a bit of a problem." Gilda said, a bit of fear in her voice, as she landed next to me. Looking up, I realized what was happening.

"Get down!" I screamed, jumping prone behind a crate, Gilda right behind me. Most of the people listened, but those who didn't were killed by the magic mortar barrage, slightly slower than a regular one, but more powerful.

"Changelings coming!" Someone yelled.

"Hawk! Get in a position to fuck the approaching enemies up! You two!" I pointed at two unicorns. "Get a shield up ASAP! Gather as much unicorns as possible! Just get it done! You!" I pointed at two griffins and a pegasus. "Provide support after the shield is up!" I went back to being silent. "Guess playing RTS games do come in handy." I muttered.

A minute later, a magic shield was up, stopping the mortars from around twenty feet up, and deflecting them. "Smart. Takes less energy!" The griffin who had been giving orders before said, as I got up. "Everyone! Gather up as much supplies as you can, then get the hell out of here! This is no time to be laying down!" The griffin yelled.

I nodded, before sprinting to the edge of the shield, where I could see over fifty changelings coming. "Hawk, covering fire. You three! Fly up and suppress, make it hard to fly!" I shouted, joining Gilda in shooting at them. Our fire was more to distract them, but I did see a few of the changelings drop as the two griffins and pegasus did their job.

"Everyone get to the trucks! The supplies are loaded!" Someone yelled. Making a backwards retreat, I kept firing, before reloading, down to my last mag. Going for a full out sprint, I threw myself into the back of one of the last trucks, the shield dropping as we drove away.

"That was intense." I said to the two griffins and pegasus.

"I wonder if they had muffins?" The pegasus asked. We all got a chuckle out of that.

"Be glad we're safe, Ditzy. Be glad about that. Besides, we're almost to base." One. The griffins said as we pulled up besides an old warehouse at the edge of the city.

"Welp, time to make some new friends. Come on Hawk!" I jumped out of the back of the truck, walking towards the warehouse.

Chapter 5

I walked towards the warehouse, where there was a flurry of activity, everybody unloading the supplies. Overhead, a magical shield glimmered, kept up almost twenty four seven by magical batteries regularly charged by the unicorns. I knew because I had seen the same design, except on several occupied cities we had passed. "Hey you!" Someone shouted. "Weren't you the one at the supply depot?" I recognized the officer from the supply depot thing.

"Yeah. Just call me Shadow." I told him.

"Well done! You have the potential to become a great commander someday! Although I do have to question why you're here." He said as Gilda, Ditzy, and the two griffons walked up behind me,

"They were sent by Shining Armor! Don't you listen to the radio?" Ditzy asked.

"She's right. We're supposed to teach you... Guerrilla warfare and how to properly fight. Or just help however we can. And may I borrow e three behind me for a few minutes? Nodding, the officer walked away.

"OK, you three. We need to go do something. Anyplace that's pretty much begging to be a big fireball?" I asked them.

"Well there is that magic depot that they just built." One of the griffons said.

"Has their HQ their too!" The other one said.

"It could explode easily!" Ditzy said.

"OK. Get a radio and some explosives." I told them. "Call me Shadow! Call her Hawk! You two?"

"I'll be Talon!" The griffon on the right said.

"I'll be Lightning!" The griffon on the left said.

"I'll be Derpy!" Ditzy said. I shrugged.

"Go get the stuff. "Hawk and I'll will get a truck." I said, walking towards a truck at the edge of base.

A few minutes later, the trio returned with everything they needed, to find a weird scene unfolding in front of them. "Why won't it just go through! This damn bird!" I screamed at my phone,

"Let me try!" Gilda said confidently. A minute later she was just as angry as I was. "Go through the damn pipe! Motherfucking bird! I swear you're fucking rising more than the other taps! Go through!"

"That's enough!" I yelled suddenly, taking back my phone. "No good can come from that game. Lets just go."

"Does anyone know what's going on?" Ditzy asked.

"Nope." The two griffons said. "We're not paid to understand something like that."

"Get in the truck!" I yelled at the trio. "Or else I leave without you!"

The three jumped in the back, and I put the peddle to the metal, driving through the shield, and running over a changeling who had gotten too close.

"Slow down!" Talon yelled.

"This is awesome!" Lightning shouted.

"Muffins!" Derpy said.

"Everybody shut up!" I told them. We were getting closer to the magic depot, and... YES! I crashed through the gate, the changelings scattering around, before I braked, getting out and holding my rifle up.

"Get the explosives set up! Derpy, Hawk, provide cover from the air! Lightning, Talon, the explosives! Now!" I shouted out, moving toward the big metal tube things that looked like prime targets.

"Get them!" I heard a changeling yell.

"Hawk, Derpy, that support might be nice!"

"On it!" Hawk replied.

"Sure thing, boss!"

"Set the explosives up on at least one pipe!" I yelled, shooting a burst at a changeling that stuck his head out of cover.

A thump behind me made me turn around, to see a dead changeling leaking blood all over the ground. "You're welcome!" Derpy said. I couldn't even see her.

"The explosives are set! Can we blow 'em?" The two griffons asked.

"Lets get out first, shall we?" I snarked, already running towards the gate. I shot a burst at a changeling, hitting him in the chest.

"Boss! Mortars!" Hawk screamed.

"Fucking run to the entrance!" I yelled.

After we all got there, I started to slowly walk away, the others following. "Wait. All get in a cluster around me." I took out my phone, putting the camera on. As the first mortar hit, destroying the tube, an explosion rocked the base. "Smile!" I took a group selfie.

"What was that for?" Ditzy asked.

"To remember the moment!" I said, showing the picture to them. The explosion in the background was massive, and the five of us were all smiling cheerily. Lightning was even holding the explosives trigger, pretending to detonate them.

"This is going on Instagram." I said, putting it on the site, before starting the trek to base. "Come on guys. We're getting grilled when we get back." I sighed. "But it was so worth it." I started the trek back to base, the other four following, all of us laughing and smiling.

As soon as we got to base, I knew we were in trouble. A stern looking griffon stood in front of us, frowning. "Something is wrong with all five of you. Very wrong. Now come closer." He said. We all got closer. "I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO SHIT LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN!" He screamed.

"OK." I said. "So, how did the explosion look?"

"Pretty." The griffon said. "Now buckle up. We got the capital, but we still need to get the rest of the cities. You five will be too busy to even sleep." He chuckled. It was a dark chuckle. "Grab a truck."

After we got a truck, we drove away from the base, waving, before leaving the city, and going to the next.

Chapter 6

"Are you kidding me! So you're just gonna lie there, reading?" Gilda shouted at me.

"Well it is the weekends, and we are at the city, so I don't see what the fuss is about!" I replied. "Now be quiet! I just got to a good part!" I told her.

"No! You just sit here, reading, while griffons out there are suffering?" She asked me.

I looked out the window. "They're throwing a parade. They're all happy. Now let me read!"

Gilda took the book I was reading and threw it out the window. I grabbed another copy off the shelf next to me and went back to my place. "Seriously? You're just gonna lie there and read?"

"Yep. The weekends are my 'Don't do a single fucking thing.' Days. That means I don't do anything productive that is useful to someone else if possible." I said, flipping the page.

"Hey!" Something opened the door. "I found where they're holding the icecream and muffins!" It was a changeling.

"Thanks. If you want some, I would suggest getting it yourself." I told Lightning, Talon, and Gilda.

"Muffins! Expect me to come with!" I heard Ditzy shout. Getting off the bed, I grabbed my rifle and pistol, before walking out the door, the changeling following me, Ditzy joining us outside.

"So where's this stash at?" I asked Tom.

"At the edge of town, right next to the grocery store. Happiness, after all, is something we an eat, and icecream, we discovered is almost pure happiness. Muffins are actually just tasty." He said. We got into the truck, and drove off to raid the stash.

"The bags our in the back. We go in, take out the guards silently, and GTFO." I told the two, parking the truck behind an abandoned apartment building.

"Got it!" Tom said, grabbing a big duffel bag.

"Okay!" Derpy grabbed one, me following, before we put on the hockey masks and attached the silencers.

"Derpy, get on that building, fire support until I tell you to come in. Tom, you handle the explosives. We set?" The two nodded. "Lets go!"

I got out of the car, running behind the fence, Tom right across from me, while Derpy flew onto the roof of a nearby building. "Derpy, what do you see?"

"One changeling to your left as soon as you burst in, two on a roof across from you, one on the right of you, and one in the building ahead." She told me.

"Got it." I turned to Tom. You get the guys on the right, and slowly sweep your way to the center. I'll get the guys on the right." He nodded. Bracing myself, I said, "Three, two, one... Now!" We burst in.

I shot the changeling on the left in the chest with a burst, before running towards cover, bullets streaking past me. "Derpy! Can you get that one in the building?"

In response, I heard a gunshot, and Derpy said, "He's history."

"Thanks!" I waited for a moment for the two on the roof to stop shooting. They were good. One would shoot and reload, the other taking his place, then repeat.

I took a grenade out of my pocket, pulled the pin, and threw. "Grenade out!" I shouted.

The shooting stopped for a second, but that was all I needed. "Tom! Shoot them now!" I popped out of cover and aimed at the two on the roof, waiting for them to start shooting again.

"Shadow, which grenade did you throw?" Derpy asked.

"Uh... Let me see... Not a frag... Isn't that dandy, I threw a fucking flashbang. Tom, take 'em out." He nodded, flying up and shot the two now blind and deaf changelings.

"Must've gotten a lucky throw." He told me.

"Probably. Derpy! Get your bag! It's time to get the goods!" We ran into the building.

"Clear!" Derpy shouted.

"Clear!" Tom said.

"Clear." I said. "Tom, get the C4. Blow the vault door open, then we can get some nice icecream and muffins."

Tom nodded, before crouching near the vault door and setting the explosives up. "Take cover!" He shouted, running outside. I followed him, Derpy hiding behind the desk. One loud explosion later, and we were in.

"Muffins!" Derpy shouted, running in and grabbing as much of the baked good as she could.

I ran in, grabbing as much icecream and muffins as I could. What could I say, I was a man who liked both.

"Icecream!" Tom shouted in joy.

"Hurry up! We don't want to be here longer than necessary!" I told them.

"I'm done!" Derpy said, her bag filled to the brim with muffins.

"All good here!" Tom said, the Jen and Berry icecreams cartons filling his bag up to the breaking point.

"Good here." I said, walking out to the truck. "Come on, we need to get to the apartment."

A few minutes later, and we were sitting in the apartment, enjoying our stolen goods. "Derpy, save some muffins for us!" Gilda told her.

"Tom! We need some icecream too!" Lightning and Talon said together.

I just sat back and watched with a smile. "And that is why I got each." I held a muffin in one hand with a spoon, and an icecream carton in the other. "Please!" All three griffons had turned towards me.

"Nope. You guys should've come along! I told you, I don't do anything productive for anyone else but me on the weekends! And that is the end of the argument!" I said in a stern voice.

"Fine!" The three said dejectedly. "Be that way."

"I will." I told them.the rest of the day was Tom, Derpy, and I being holed up in the bedroom, protecting our goods from the three griffons who so badly wanted some.

Chapter 7

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Tom?" I asked, watching the scenery pass by as the truck wove through the trees.

"Absolutely!" He told me. "I mean, how ha-" I punched him in the gut, shaking my head, before looking at trees passing by.

"Never say those words again. Ever! Because that is asking for the world, fate, destiny, and several other things to bitchslap you!" I scolded.

"You... Could've just... Told me!" He wheezed. I sighed, before the truck stopped.

"What'd we stop for?" Talon asked.

I shrugged. "Dunno." Before anyone else could say anything more, a buzzing could be heard from where we were about to be.

"I'm telling you, I heard a car!" One said.

"And I'm telling you you didn't!" The other said. The buzzing got closer and a bush to the left of the truck, near where I was sitting, rustled. I grabbed my rifle, put a magazine in it, and pointed the gun at the bush, Tom and Talon doing the same.

Two changelings emerged, floating inches off the ground. "Aha!" The one on the left said. "I knew there... Was... Fuck me!" He said, before Tom, Talon, and I riddled their bodies with bullets. Taking the used magazine out, I replaced it with a new one.

I leaned the rifle next to me, on the back of the cabin, before sitting down again. "While that was interesting, please start driving again Gilda!" I told her.

She nodded, before pressing the gas pedal and the truck started to move forward again. "As I was saying, are you sure this is a good idea? Assault a military base full of armed guards that could kill us with their pinkie fingers, and we go and neutralize it for friendly use. Yeah, this is not gonna end well." I groaned. "Well, better get my gear ready." Tom nodded, and started checking his own gear.

I had twelve magazines of ammunition, amounting in three hundred and sixty bullets, three grenades, a med kit, a pistol with three magazines that held fifteen rounds, a medkit in case of emergency, and a flashlight, just in case. "I need to stop the car here." Gilda told me as she parked the car behind a cluster of trees. "Or else we might get spotted."

I nodded, before telling everyone, "You know what to do. Do not talk until your task is complete. Understood?" The five nodded. "Good." I said. Ah, yes, I suppose I should tell people what the battle plan is! OK, well, Gilda goes in and starts shooting important looking figures, Derpy starts sniping random people, Tom infiltrates the base and kills the commander, Lightning and Talon go and make things explode.... And I'm the distraction. I go in, hidden, in the middle of the night, which it is, and blow something up with a magically charged grenade, courtesy of Lightning and Talon, then start killing everyone who isn't a friendly, who will be distinguishably by the little HUD thingamajig Tom gave us all when he was hyped up on almost pure happiness! Now it makes it like a fucking videogame, except no health bar.

I got up and walked into the clearing where the base was. Let me tell you... It was fucking small. It was ten tents... And that's it. Two armed guards guarded each cardinal direction of the camp, and I shrugged. I was facing the ones facing north, and I raised my rifle, before shooting the one on the left, and rushing behind a tree. I stepped out again, rifle raised, before my jaw tried to hit the floor. In front of me, levitating in green magic was hundreds of bullets, maybe two or three rockets, and a fucking grenade. I'll tell you, that was a real bullet hell frozen in front of me. "So sorry to interrupt." A voice from behind me said. I nearly jumped into the air, dropping my rifle. Behind me was Chrysalis, as you could guess. "But as you can see, your friends are captured." She nodded at them, all tied up, "And I'm the only one stopping this storm of bullets from killing you and ripping you to shreds." She grinned maliciously. "But! I uave a deal. Tell me, where is the base you operate from? Dot hat, and your friends go free. Don't, we just experiment on them. Ph, I can almost see the things we'll discover about Pegasi bones!" She said.

I shook my head. "Fuck you, go to hell, you'll never win, go fuck a squid!" I retorted. "And maybe become a power ranger. That's a fate worse than death, I tell ya!" I said.

"I see." Chrysalis said, before flapping her insect wings and flying above the storm of bullets, before she stopped stopping the bullets. They tore into me, tearing me to shreds. The rockets blew me up, the grenade did, and the bullets just generally killed me. How I was still talking, dunno. In fact, dafuq? I watched as the ground grew smaller and smaller, until I couldn't see it. By then, though, I was in the presence of a weird, strange, being. "Hmm... One hundred and thirty bullets to the body, two rockets, and a grenade. Amazing! They must've really wanted him dead."

I shook my head. "Yeah. I mean, they did want the major cause of resistance to them gone." I said, before sitting cross legged on the floor.

"Wha? Most spirits don't have physical forms... Or talk! Oh, I must study this!" The massive being got off his seat, and started to walk towards me. I took a few steps back, before giving him the finger.

"Fuck that shit!" I yelled, before retracting my hand and willing a tank to appear. Opening the hatch, I made surthe big gun was pointed at the being before I loaded in a shell and pressed the big red button. A loud boom, and the being clutched its stomach.

"Oof! This one has fight in it! Perhaps I shall keep it!" It got back up, gold ichor streaming down from the hole in its stomach.

I heard another footstep, and I stuck my head out of the hatch. A being clothed in Black and Red this time, said, "Brother, it shall be mine, instead! You would'nt even remember about it!" And so, a massive argument broke out about who would keep me. Meanwhile, the tank started to sink, me ignoring it for the time being, until it broke theough the clouds, right before a three tipped trident almost speared me. The tank fell through the air, me sitting in it, sipping on some tea and wearing a tophat, monocle, and one of those fancy mustaches. I took another sip, before I took all that off and started screaming frantically. The tank slowly started to break apart, and once it fully broke apart, I landed on the ground, light as a feather, where my body once was. The area was a mess, my blood and bits of me splattered everywhere on the trees and ground.

"I should get that checked." I said, before a random chunck of my head flew over to my 'spirit form' and stayed there. Suddenly, random pieces of my body assembled and flew over, slowly reconstructing my body, plus a new addition. "New iPod, cool." I looked around. The top camp had had security doubled. By top, I mean I could guess that there was an underground facility. Using my guestimate, I think there was about twenty guards on the surface. Plugging in my earbuds to the new iPod, I put on the first song, before grabbing my gun, and stepping into the open.

"Oh please excuse me! I don't mean to alarm!" I shot a changeling through the head, surprising them.

"Get him!" The commanding officer yelled.

"Don't hate me cause I'm funny, don't hate me cause I'm beautiful!" I filled another changelings head with three bullets, before I took cover behind a random crate, before I read the label.

"Who the hell leaves explosives like this lying around!?" I shouted, before jumping up and running away from the crate, just as it exploded. The force behind my pushed me forward, and I punched a changeling so hard it died from the force. That, and its skull split open and I shot it. "Three down." I muttered, before I recovered and shot a two round birst into another changelings chest, and took cover behind a another crate. four down. I thought, before I stood up and threw a grenade at a group of three changelings. At least one was caught in the blast, and I ducked back down. Five down. I looked around for something, before grinning deviously.

Running over to the truck parked on the edge of camp, I jumped on the back and got on the heavy machine gun. "Die motherfuckers!" I yelled, before raking the area in front of me with bullets, punching holes through crates and changelings. I turned the gun towards where three were hiding behind a crate, and my grin grew bigger. I fired at the carte, and it blew up. "Eight." I muttered. Before I turned the gun towards two more who had the bright idea of charging towards me. "Ten." I said to myself. I stopped firing to throw another grenade at a group of five changelings. One caught it, and instead of throwing it back, just looked at it, before he started to gnaw on it, while three of them ran away. "Uh... Twelve." I said, as it blew up and I shot the three changelings who had decided it was a good idea to run away. "Fifteen."

A grenade landed in front of the HMG, and I gulped, before grabbing my rifle and jumping over the side and running away. A changeling flew in front of me, smiling, and threw at a punch at me. I dodged, and shot him in the manly parts, before shooting his head. Reloading, I muttered, "Sixteen." Crouching behind a crate again, I peeked up. The four changelings were approaching, and one fired at me. I ducked down again, before I thought of a plan. That plan was stand up and shoot everything. So I stood up, aimed in the general direction of the four changelings, and pressed the trigger. One went down immediately, another tried to duck down, but got a bullet to his chest for his troubles, another got hit in his arms, and the last one was left standing.

"Convenient." He said, before using his wings to propel himself and tackle me. We struggled around on the ground for a bit, before I realized something.

"This looks really wrong." I said, as the changeling tried to stop my hands from struggling. He paused to think about it.

"This is an awkward position." He said. "Sorry." He told me, getting up.

"No prob." I said, before punching him in the face and taking out my pistol, shooting him in the head. "Now, time to go help mu friends." I said,w alking towards the giant hole I missed earlier.