A changeling's visit to Skyrim

“Okay everyone, just hold onto those soul gems now. And-“ Falion picked up a spray-bottle and walked down the line of vampires “The power of Shor compels you!... And you, and you, and you, and you-“

As he sprayed them with holy water and whatever, the vampires reverted to human form, their vampiric curse trapped inside the soul gems which abruptly crumble away.

“Thank you.” one of the vampires said as he reached a hand out to the sunlight. “It feels good to human again.”

“You’re welcome,” Falion said as he gathered up his remaining supplies “but that’s where my job ends. So I’ll just leave you with these nice men with swords.”

“Get moving to the prison, criminal scum!” one of the guards said as he pushed them along “No one brain-fucks Morthal and gets away with it.”

Stross and the gang watched as they collected their payment from Idgrod, who made them thanes of Hjallmarch and threw in some sandwiches as well. It was surprising how many of the vampires stuck around to be cured by Falion once Movarth was destroyed. As it turned out, he wasn’t the most caring tyrannical leader, and most of his coven leapt at the chance to be free of his curse now that they wouldn’t have to face his wrath…

But they still planned to take over Morthal and murdered a lot of innocent travelers to sate their hunger, so they were still going to jail unless they paid one thousand gold for each person they killed while being detected… which is way more than they could pay so each of them got a week in jail.

Man, the penalty for crime is really lenient in Skyrim.

Anyways, it was off to Ustengrav for our heroes and nothing was going to get in their way.

“Take me with you!” a woman in black robes pleaded them as she stood very much in their way “Please I have nowhere else to go.”

“Hey, slow down. Who are you anyway?” Stross asked as she tried to pry the woman off his leg.

“She’s Alva’s vampire servant,” Fenora told them “the one that killed Hroggar’s family.”

“W- what? I didn’t even- How did you know?” Laelette stammered.

Fenora looked at her flatly and pointed out the words that read :Property of Alva. If found, please return to Morthal: stenciled onto her robes in bright red paint.

“Oh… that.” Laelette chuckled awkwardly.

“My thane, we’re not really considering this, are we?” Lydia said cautiously “Those vampires nearly killed you two. Also I’m still upset you didn’t bring me along to help.”

“You just looked so peaceful when you were sleeping,” Fenora said in her defense “and no, we’re not bringing her along. Come on, let’s get moving.”

With that, Fenora continued onwards, but quickly found her path blocked again.

“You don’t understand!” Laellete grabbed her shoulders.

“I understand that you burned a woman and her daughter alive while they slept, AND tried to make that little girl a vampire so you could take her as your own.” Fenora shoved her off.

“I never wanted to!” Laelette yelled “Alva made me do it, but I still tried to save them so they could live as vampires like us. I messed it up and then couldn’t bring them back. Now I can’t stop seeing them burning.” she wailed “I can’t go back to that town, not anymore; they’d never understand. Even Thronir said that I wasn’t his wife anymore. He said his Laelette died fighting with the Stromcloaks and that I was just some monster that looked like her.”

Stross pulled her into a hug as she sat on the ground sobbing.

“Welcome to the team, mine kindred spirit.”

So after Stross won the argument with Fenora by holding his breath until she said yes, the four of them continued to Ustengrav. For realzies this time.

When they arrived at the crumbling nordic tomb, they came across a campsite covered in bloodstains.

“Geez, what do you think did this?” Lydia asked as she examined the pools of blood covering the bedrolls.

“I’m not sure, but this is obviously a bandit campsite. I mean who else would live like this?” Fenora observed as she sifted through a few piles of trash with the end of her sword “Maybe a bounty hunter or wild animals did this?”

“Umm, I don’t think it was animals.” Laelette commented nervously “Not enough blood or body parts left, even if the bodies were dragged off or eaten. Not to mention that there are no drag marks, cremation sites, or freshly upturned soil.”

Laelette then noticed the looks she was getting from the others. “What?” she asked as if she was oblivious to her knowledge of slaughter marks.

“Hey you guys, umm… gals.” Stross got their attention “I’ve got some bad mojo going on over here.” he pointed to the entrance of the tomb.

“What kind of baddies? And what weapons should I bring to kill 'em?” Fenora asked as she cycled through her armory of a backpack.

"I'm not sure... but it gives me the shivers." Stross told her nervously.

"Right then, all kinds of weapons."

As they stealthily entered Ustengrav… well at least as stealthily as you could with all the sharp bits of metal and platemail they had on them, they overheard the sound of metal clanking against rock. Soon they discovered the source. Necromancers had come delving for treasure and had killed the bandits to be used as undead muscle.

“Dammit, there it goes again.” one of them grumbled as her reanimation spell wore off and the bandits collapsed to the floor “I swear this is almost as tedious as just digging out this rubble ourselves... almost.”

“And it seems as though they get stupider every time you raise them, if that’s even possible.” another necromancer remarked as his colleague re-reanimated the bandits to resume their work.

“They’re smart enough to swing a pick, and that’s all we need them for.”

“Well… I wouldn’t say that’s all we can use them for. If you know what I mean.” he waggled his eyebrows at her.

“What do you…? Oh. Ooooh… OH!” the female necromancer yelled as she came to a frightening realization “That is just messed up Leckral! What kind of necromancer-"

They were interrupted by a muffled yell from deeper in the catacombs.

“The others must have found something, I’ll go check. And remember what I told you, you don’t know what you’re missing out on.” he winked at her and left through an unblocked passage.

…

Behind a wall of collapsed pillars, our heroes had just overheard most of that conversation and were either working on a plan of attack, or vomiting up their breakfasts.

“Umm… miss Fenora, can I eat those necromancers?” Laelette asked in an ironically sweet voice “I’m really hungry.”

“Don’t talk to me about eating right now, just go get them.” Fenora said as she wiped her mouth from another bout of dry-heaving.

Laelette clapped her hands happily and snuck towards the lone necromancer, who currently had her back turned as she looked over her thralls’… bathing-suit areas. (Whew, gotta keep it close to Pg-13 here guys)

“Soooo, you like dead guys huh?” she chirped once she was right behind the necromancer.

Her target whipped around to see her cheerful, smiling face before it contorted into an expression of pure hunger, fangs protruding from beneath her lips. She would have been on the necromancer, draining her dry in seconds if Stross hadn’t stopped her.

“Hold on! And you,” he zapped the necromancer with a stun spell and then stuck her to the floor with his resin “just stay right there. Okay then,” he turned back to Laelette, who looked at him questioningly  “I don’t know what Alva (that heartless bitch) taught you about feeding, but always know that no matter what, all life is precious. What I mean is, when you feed, life is being taken from one to sustain the life of another and should always be done sparingly and with respect.” Stross said with the tone of a wise philosopher  “Feed only when in need, and never waste what has been taken. I vowed once to be a better changeling, to live my life doing as little harm as possible, and that’s the mantra I’ve lived by ever since.”

“*sniff* That was beautiful.” Laelette said as she wiped away a tear.

“Really? I’ve worked on that for a little while, but I always thought it was too ‘holier-than-thou’, but if you liked it then- *Clang* -Ow my head!”

“Protect master.” one of the undead thralls monotoned as he smacked Stross across the face with a shovel.

“About damn time, now get them!” the necromancer ordered her shuffling servants.

Before they could get any swings in however, each was taken down by arrows and subsequently reduced to ashes.

“I have my own motto,” Fenora said with a smirk as she walked up to them “Whatever tries to kill me, is going to die for it.”

“Ooo, that’s a good one too.” Laelette said as she wrote it down.

So apparently the necromancers had disturbed the sleeping drauger, who were now awake and attacking anyone who intruded into their resting place. Fortunately, our heroes found them pretty easy to deal with, and after looting the walking corpse’s… corpses, for weapons and treasure, they found themselves faced with a new obstacle. An obstacle that made itself known when a platoon of skeletal swordsmen triggered it and accidently re-killed themselves; floor-mounted fire traps.

“Okay… so how do we get past this nonsense?” Fenora asked to no one in particular “And for that matter how did anyone else? There’s literally no way around them. Why even have these things here?”

“Well you see my thane, Nords really don’t like people grave-robbing. And we like getting killed by our fallen ancestors even less.” Lydia explained.

“Don’t worry,” Stross told them “I have wings. I can just pick you up one at a time and carry you over, easy.” he demonstrated by flying up… and immediately getting snatched by a giant spider, who wrapped him up, and dragged him deeper down the tunnels.

“AAAHH! Help me you guys, this thing is worse than my grandma!” he screamed as the others stood there in shock.

After hastily finding their way through the fire traps, discovering which ones still had oil to feed the flames through trial and error and coming out medium-rare as a result, they finally found their way to a room covered with webs. Light shined down through a large hole in the ceiling and the cocooned bodies of forest animals littered the floor and walls. But the thing that captured their attention the most was the screaming, dear Divines the screaming. It was like someone took a million whistles and strapped them to an engine turbine.

Stross had been cocooned, but that didn’t stop him from frantically wiggling and rolling his way across the floor to get away from the multi-limbed monstrosities that hungrily pursued him.

“Umm, shouldn’t we be helping him?” Lydia asked the obvious question as they all just sort of stood there.

“I want to but… I just can’t stop watching.” Fenora said as she blankly gazed at Stross caterpillering away from the spiders. “It’s like Animal Planet meets Benny Hill.”

“What?”

“What? Oh wait- Stross!” Fenora finally snapped out of it and dropped the popcorn that somehow appeared in her hand.

A few second later all the spiders were now mushy piles of arachnid juice or skewered to the wall. They might not be very dangerous or smart, but those things will haunt your nightmares for days; a fact that Stross was keen to remind them.

“They were everywhere and they were touching me all over with their hairy legs! Legs don’t make that sound!” Stross wailed as he clung to Fenora’s back and refused to let go. She didn’t mind though.

“Yeah, sorry about that Stross.” she said as she held onto his hands “But it was really funny to watch, especially with how much you were screaming.”

“You’re horrible but I love you.” Stross nuzzled her neck.

The group entered the main burial chamber. As they did, stone pillars in the stylized shape of roaring dragons emerged from the water to the sides of the stone bridge. Even the drauger had already been slain, it was as though the universe had finally cut our heroes a break. After all their hardships, they had emerged victorious together, and now all obstacles parted before them as the very room welcomed them.

They gazed wide-eyed at the grave of Jurgan Windcaller as they approached. His legendary horn, the solution to the entire world ending calamity that they’d been tasked by destiny to solve lay right at their fingertips and-

“It’s not here.” Stross pointed out. “Look, there’s just the empty place where it should be, no note, or I.O.U., or anything.” he explained as he searched around the base for anywhere it may have fallen out. Fenora, Lydia, and Laelette quickly joined him, searching all over the burial chamber for the key to defeating Alduin.

“I’m so sick of this always happening.” Fenora groaned after several minutes of scouring the room only to come up empty handed.

“I have to agree with you there, my thane.”

“You mean this happens all the time to you guys?” Laelette asked, unaware of the group’s previous misfortune in finding important artifacts.

“Yeah, it’s just like with Bleak Falls and the dragonstone.” Stross remembered.

“No, if this were like Bleak Falls a dead guy with what we need would have jumped out and tried to kill us by now.” Fenora pointed out.

As if the cosmic forces were waiting for that queue so they could maximize comedic value, a dead body fell from the ceiling and landed on Stross. Defiantly, he kicked it off and got to his feet in a battle stance.

“HA! I’ve got oakflesh this time, bring it!” he said as he readied his spells.

Despite his preparedness though, the corpse just stayed slumped against the wall.

“Aww yeah, you better be scared.”

“Stross, I think that one’s already been killed.”

“Aww yeah, it better have been- Wait what?”

“Yeah see? No life force left.” Laelette walked over and poked it.

“Darn it, the one time I’m actually ready for it.” Stross walked over and kicked the body, causing its head to fall off “Hey what’s this?”

“What’s what?” Fenora asked as she and Lydia joined them.

“This.” Stross pointed out a tag on the inside collar of the corpse’s leather outfit “[Property of the Thieves guild. If found, please return to the guild’s main location in Riften. But remember not to tell anyone about where we are, because it’s a secret].” he read aloud.

Everyone exchanged a few questioning glances.

“Well,” Fenora sighed “it’s not much, but at least we’ve got something to go on. Grab those Aperture stones Stross; get us home.”

“I can’t.”

“What.” Fenora asked, fire in her eyes and venom in her voice.

“I used them yesterday, by my count we’ve still got another hour or so before they recharge. Umm, sorry?” he said sheepishly with his best apologetic grin.

So it was unanimously decided that Fenora be put in charge of the Aperture stones from now on, and seeing as how they had some more time to waste, they decided to go back to a large cavern they’d passed on the way in. There were trees and moss growing down there, and the scattered sunlight mixed with noise of the waterfall created a very soothing atmosphere.

“I still can’t believe you kept that dead guy’s armor.” Lydia told Stross as he copied down the scriptures from the word wall.

“I can’t believe none of you called dibs on it.” he admired all the extra pockets “It’s swagalicious.”

“One, it’s putrid and covered in dead guy juices.” Fenora said as she soaked her feet in the water “And two, don’t ever use the term ‘swagalicious’ to describe anything ever again.”

“You should talk; have you seen what you’re covered in lately?”

He was right, after all the fights and wilderness wandering over the last few days, Fenora was absolutely caked in dirt, singe-marks, and various types of blood.

“Huh, alright then. Lydia, stand guard for me.” Fenora said as she walked behind the waterfall, her filthy and damaged clothes getting thrown back out a moment later.

…“GAAAHH!”*Splash*

Not ten seconds after she had gone behind the waterfall for some privacy while she bathed, Fenora reemerged, fighting off a drauger by impaling it on its own sword.

“For crying out loud, isn’t there anywhere that doesn’t have some kind of trap, or ambush waiting for- what are you all looking at.” Fenora interrupted her rant as she noticed the unblinking stares her friends were giving her.

Lydia, Stross, and Laelette were granted seven glorious seconds of uninhibited eye-candy before Fenora finally traced their lines of vision. In a blur of motion she was behind the wall of rushing water again, earning a collection of groans from the others.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!” she yelled at them, blushing furiously as she pulled her soaking clothes back on

“I apologize my Thane, but I’ve never seen a woman so well endowed before. I couldn’t bring myself to look away!” Lydia yelled back.

“I wonder if I could copy her form and then look at myself in the mirror.” Stross thought as he tried to fit his wings back inside his shell.

“Let me motorboat you once and I’ll be yours for-ever.” Laelette yelled to Fenora.