A changeling's visit to Skyrim

Beer is sacred in Skyrim.

Why do I say that? Because it’s true. When Skyrim’s denizens aren’t drunk, they’re either asleep, or pissed off. Why do you think bandits are always hijacking shipments and robbing travelers? Why do you think everyone’s always hanging out at the inns? Why do you think the Jarls and their court officials always have a private stash of the stuff?

That’s right, forget laws and the guards; alcohol keeps the peace mother-flipper!

You think that the civil war in Skyrim was started over the banning of Talos worship? Fuck no! That was just collateral damage! The real reason was because those namby-pamby High Elves in the Altmeri Dominion wanted to ban Nord mead in favor of their fancy wine and tea. TEA! And I’m not talking about that sweetened iced tea with lemon and strawberry goodness-in-a-can that you can buy for a septim at your local Seven-Eleven – Skyrim branch. NO! I’m talking about the kind you put in a kettle and brew it, then sip it while eating crumpets and talking to other rich snobs. No one was going to stand for that. Not Ulfric Stormcloak, not the true sons and daughters of Skyrim, and certainly not Maven Black-Brier!

Why am I mentioning this? Because on their way out of the city, hauling about a dozen crates of assorted illegal or stolen merchandise, our heroes were stopped by Maven, who had a job for them.

Apparently there was a honey farm outside of town that stopped sending shipments to her, and a rival meadery outside of Whiterun that was edging in on her turf. She said that not only would she pay them if they helped “Straighten things out”, but she would also put in a good word for them with the guild, AND she would sell them her brand of mead for half off. So naturally, Fenora agreed for all of them.

The mission was going about as well as expected.

“Oh no, not the bees! NOT THE BEES!” Stross screamed as he ran around, covered in honey and flailing his arms at the offending swarm “AHH they’re in my eyes! MY EYES! WAHHHGG! BLARG! BLEEH!”

“Stop running around!”

“Get him!”

“Never should have come here.”

“I have the shiniest meat-bicycle!” a small army of mercenaries chased him around in circles.

“Stross, head for the water!” Lydia yelled as she picked up the rear of the crowd “That’s not the water; that’s a bear!”

…

“Well this is going better than last time I was here.” Vex said to Fenora as they slipped inside the main building.

“Let’s just find this guy, beat his ass till he’s on our side again, get out, and get paid.” Fenora said as she marched down the recently vacated halls.

Vex’s eyes popped open for a second at what she’d just heard. “Wait, really?” She asked in bewilderment. “You’re not going to drink yourself into a stupor first? Screw around with the guards? Not even vandalize some property?”

“No, I’m on the job right now. Why do you ask-

Vex quickly hugged her from behind, lightly crying tears of pure joy into the back of Fenora’s hood. “You are the first newbie in the guild to take things seriously.” she sobbed “Thank you so much Fenora, I love you… no homo.”

“Umm… okay.”

For like the fifteenth time that week, Fenora checked to make sure that she wasn’t wearing an amulet of Mara.

Quietly, Fenora pressed an empty glass up against the door of the master bedroom. There was a significant amount of shuffling, and creaking as floorboards bent under the weight of someone’s feet. From the frequency of it, it seemed there was only one person in the room, nervously pacing back and forth. Relaying this information to Vex via exaggerated hand signals, Fenora then stood up and kicked in the door.

The elf in fine clothes on the other side nearly clung to the ceiling in fright. He flung the half empty wine bottle he was holding at the intruders and scrambled for a bow on his nightstand.

Fenora, with her Spiderman-like reflexes, caught the bottle and threw it back, nailing Aringoth in the head. He collapsed on the floor just a couple feet short of his bed.

“Alright Aringoth, why’ve you stopped your shipments to Maven?” Fenora asked as she held him against a nearby wall.

“Because you thugs are always extorting money from me and I’m sick of it! How’s that?”

“So you decide to piss off our clients?” Vex countered him “I’ve seen you live a nice cushy life even with us in charge of it. And rather than stay in line, you’d rather hire an army of mercs to hide behind while you give us the finger.”

“It’s not like I had a choice, the deal I got wasn’t exactly one I could refuse.”

“What deal? Who are you working for?” Fenora demanded.

“Hah, if I told you, I might as well slit my own throat to make it quicker.” Aringoth told them sullenly “I only ever wanted to get rich selling honey, and then live out my life as a rich, womanizing, loose-cannon drunk. But you guild rats couldn’t just let me run my business in peace, and now look where I am. I don’t even control my own bee farm anymore. I’m between a knife and a hard place, dead either way and it’s all your fault!”

“Look,” Fenora put him on the ground again “I’m kinda new here, but I have a job to do and it’s not destroying everything you’ve worked for; it’s saving Skyrim. I need the Guild’s help to do that, so we’re taking back Goldenglow with or without your permission. You can either give it to us willingly and we can protect you, or you can make a run to the border yourself.” Fenora gave her ultimatum.

Aringoth gave a lengthy sigh as he straightened out the wrinkles in his clothes. “Fine, here’s the key to the safe downstairs, it has the original bill of sale. But I expect you to follow through with your end of the deal; I do NOT want to take a bite of poison with my bowl of Corn Flakes.”

“Ow… Ow… Ow… Ow- OW! You hit me!” Stross yelled.

“Well stop complaining so much.” Fenora retorted as she dabbed a mix of healing potion and anti-venom on Stross’s multiple bee stings and bear wounds.

“Thanks for your help. I’ll get this back to the guild, see if we can identify this mark.” Vex looked over the bill of sale as she disappeared into a wall.

“So what now?” Lydia asked as she looked up at the afternoon sun shining out from behind a cloud.

“Well, I have an idea.” Fenora said as a sly grin came across her face.

“No.” Stross said plainly.

“What? Why not, it’s such a good idea.”

“Because it would never work, they’d find me. Then they’d tie me to a rock and throw me in a lake, and we still wouldn’t have that stupid horn.” Stross reasoned.

“What are you two talking about over there?” Lydia asked.

“Fen wants me to turn into Mercer and ransack their headquarters until I find Jurgan’s horn.” Stross explained “Which I will not be doing, by the way.”

You could practically see Fenora’s face go blank in disbelief. “Stross, you can turn into anyone you want! What’s the point of having powers like that if you’re not going to abuse them for your own personal gain? And by the way, I wanted you to kill Mercer too; that guy is such a dick.”

“The point is to use them responsibly, only to survive and do good unto others. Too many of my kind back in Equestria have let themselves become the killers and soul-eating monsters that we’ve become feared for.” Stross scolded “There was one that I found that had killed a mare’s husband and taken his form, then went to the poor guy’s home and syphoned his wife to death in front of their kids, then ate them too.”

Fenora and Lydia couldn’t hide their shocked expressions as they listened.

“And do you know what the worst part is?” Stross asked them “I arrived too late to help the family, but confronted him anyway. I called him a monster, told him what he did was abhorrent. He just turned to me and said, ‘No… this is just another Tuesday’!”

Stross had to breathe deeply to calm himself.

“Can either of you understand why I don’t want to start treading that slippery slope? I try to think that I was one of the good ones, a changeling that didn’t mercilessly end ponies’ lives just because I could. I don’t care if these people are thieves, I don’t want to be a monster anymore.”

“So be a hero instead.” Fenora gave him a slap on the back “Do some bad stuff to bad people, and save everyone else’s butts from the big scary dragons.”

“Weeeeellll… when you put it like that…”

About an hour later, Fenora was called back to the Flagon by one of the other Guild members wandering the streets of Riften. When she arrived, Stross and the rest of the guild were there to greet her, and none of them looked happy.

“I told you it wouldn’t work.” Stross said glumly as he held an ice pack to his swollen eye. “Oh and by the way-

A potted plant hit Fenora in the side of her head with an audible shatter.

“Vex wants a word with you.”

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!” she yelled as she tackled Fenora to the ground.

“I’ll protect you my tha- *thwip* oh… never mind.” Lydia fell over, unable to move.

Vex threw down her blow-gun and went back to pinning Fenora, not an easy task by the way. “No one steals from the Thieves Guild, especially our own!” Vex said in a rage as she wrestled her into a headlock. But then her expression broke down a little, and her eyes started tearing up “I thought you were cool! You were like my sister for two and a half hours, no one else has ever even come close to that!” she wailed as her chokehold turned into more of a sorrowful cuddle-hug “How could you do this to us?”

“Vex…” Fenora said as she gently pulled Vex off of her and cradled her cheek. *SMACK* “What the flying fuck do you mean ‘how could I do this’?”

Vex stared up at Fenora, still reeling from the pimp-slap from Oblivion she’d just received.

“I’m the dragonborn! I’m trying to save Skyrim- no- all of Nirn, and everyone in it including all of you pricks! You have the horn for crying out loud; I won’t stand a chance against Alduin and his army without it, and you still want us to do this stupid laundry-list of chores before we can prevent the literal destruction of our world!” she belted at them, her last word punctuated by a burst of thu’um.

“Nah take it eesy thar, lass.” Brynjolf tried to intervene “None o’ us want the world t’ go kah-bloowy, but whe’d still liek a nice grip on eh for when it’s saved. Tha’ ain’t too moch to ahsk for, is it?”

The glare Fenora gave him said that yes, yes it was.

“Look, this isn’t negotiable.” Mercer walked to the front of the now terrified crowd “We’re offering a service to you, and you’re paying for it with favors. You’ll get what you need, after that’s done and not before.”

“I believe you have this backwards, Guild Master.” Fenora called his title with venom dripping from her voice “I’m the one offering you the service. That service is protection against the coming storm for you, your guild, and all those you would ever steal from or exploit. And I want my payment up front.”

Sunglasses appeared over her eyes, an eagle landed on her shoulder, and two tankers full of gasoline exploded behind her and she didn’t turn around to look at it. That’s how awesome Fenora was right now.

Yet somehow Mercer still had the courage to stare her down for another full second before relenting. “Fine.” he spat “But you’ll need to wait a while I get it back.”

“Get it back?”

“I don’t keep an artifact like stuffed in a chest in a sewer. I kept it safe in a secret stash that no one knows about but me. I’ll be back in a couple of days. In the meantime, finish up those tasks I gave you.” he said as he turned to leave “And one more thing, we found out who bought Goldenglow; an Argonian by the name of Gulum-ei, in Solitude. There’ll be a bonus in it for you if you find out why.”

“Let me guess, that ‘secret stash’ is in your grandma’s house, under your old mattress.”

Mercer instantly froze mid-step for a second before swiftly continuing to his private quarters to gear up while mumbling “Clever girl.”

“Hurk! Gah! Okay, that’s the last of them, let’s get going to Ivarstaed.” Stross said as he and the others finished loading the crates onto the carriage.

“Ivarstead?” the driver did a double-take “What kind of drugs are you on? I can only take you to the hold capitols; cities like Windhelm and Whiterun, or Solitude. I don’t know about the other drivers who’ll let you stop at places, but I can’t just drive you out into the middle of nowhere and-

Fenora threw him a bag of septims.

“And I have no idea what I was just talkin’ about, hop on.”

“Doesn’t it seem like you can solve any problem just by throwing a bag of gold at it?” Stross asked rhetorically. Fenora’s eyes lit up and she smiled a bit, but just as she was about to say something, Stross cut her off. “No I don’t think we could do that with the dragons. You’re welcome to try though, I’ll just watch from a distance.”

“Stross, I hate your logic, you cheeky bug.”

“Heh heh, aww I hate things about you too, you angry drunk.” Stross said endearingly “I didn’t mean it I didn’t mean it, by Celestia, I didn’t mean it!”

Stross knocked on the metal door to the monastery perched atop the Throat Of The World, the sound echoing throughout the stone chambers within. He was surprised to see a crate addressed to the Greybeards, but seeing as they were in Ivarstead anyway, Stross decided to pay them a visit, maybe show them the inscriptions he’d found in the tombs. What puzzled him though were the contents of the crates. When he peaked inside he only found some bottles of small tablets, herbs, and various colored liquids; all of them simply marked with a smiley face.

“Ah it’s you, please, come in.” Master Arngeir greeted him “What brings you back to High Hrothgar?”

“Well, for one I’ve got this crate for you.” Stross set in on the floor of the main chamber.

“Excellent, and not a moment too soon.” Arngeir said excitedly as he and two others unpacked the crate, taking the bottles into the meditation areas and training grounds “I assume the Guild will be expecting payment for these, tell them ‘our prayers on their behalf are on the way’.” he gave a wink and thumbs up.

“Actually, that’s the other reason I came up here. I need to talk to you about something.”

“Did they tell you? They told you didn't they? Fine I'll admit it. Yes, the Thieves Guild pays us in whatever we ask for, and we use our thu’ums to send lighting storms at people they don’t like.” Argeir told him “I know it looks bad, especially with what we preach about the Way of The Voice. But come on, how else are we supposed to get food and other essentials up here?”

“Oh umm, well this is awkward.” Stross scratched the back of his head “You see, I was actually hoping for some guidance or advice on a moral dilemma I’ve been hoping to resolve.”

“I guess the Thieves Guild wasn’t lying when they said they used to have all of Skyrim in their pocket.”

“Well then, this is awkward.” Arngeir gave a small cough “Umm… okay, maybe we can still help you out. Come with us.” Arngeir led him into a hallway that ended in a dead end. Flipping open one of the statue heads, he pulled a lever which opened a secret passage that was all but hidden in the rock. Beyond was… a disco themed bar with a turntable blasting dubstep?

“Essentials huh?” Stross said as he looked around the room, from the displays of various drugs and alcoholic beverages, to the hookers and hot-tubs. And is that a moose?

“Yep… E-sentials.” Arngeir stated matter-o-factly as he went behind the bar table and started mixing some drinks “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Well, I’ve been kind of conflicted since I came to Skyrim. You see in Equestria, the land of colorful small horses where I’m from, there’s practically no such things as crime. Ever since the beginning of Celestia’s rule, the ponies there have known nothing but peace, well… with exception of the occasional world ending disaster.” Stross explained as Arngeir handed him a margarita “But what I mean is they’re all so innocent and full of love. For crying out loud, they randomly burst into song, they think a bunny stampede is a cataclysm, and the first law that they ever put into place was ‘thou shalt love and tolerate’.”

“So, it would seem our worlds are quite different.” Arngeir gave a knowing nod and continued to listen.

Stross sighed. “You could say that again. I’m a changeling; a race of creatures that survives by feeding off the emotional energy that comes from the very essence of someone’s being. In my world that makes us monsters, deceivers, and at the worst… soul-eating killers; at least in the eyes of our prey, and unfortunately it’s the truth far more often that I’d like.” Stross took a sip of his drink, and immediately sputtered out a long wheezy cough at the sting of the alcohol “But I never wanted to be like that.” Stross said as he recovered “I always tried to be a good changeling, however I could. I’ve always lived my life doing as little harm as possible, and as much good as I could. And this is where I’ve run into my problem.”

“You’ve been having trouble acclimating to our world and its ways of violence and corruption.” Arngeir took an educated guess.

“Well...Yes and no.” Stross said as he sat up straighter “There are a lot of good people in Skyrim, I’ve even helped a few. But it seems like for every good person, there’s at least four bandits or selfish jerks. More than once I’ve looked at a person and though they would be outstanding as a changeling.”

“I know of what you speak. Stay away from Markarth if ya’ know what I’m sayin’. Gallus, the old master of the Thieves Guild put it best. ‘Everyone in this world wants something, and they will do whatever it takes to get it.’ though he immediately followed it up with ‘So they might as well get it from me at twice the normal price’.” Arngeir grinned and slowly shook his head “But I sense that this is not your quandary.”

“Well, now’s as good a time as any to tell someone.”

“This was always in the back of my mind, even before coming here, and being on this quest with Fenora has really been making me think about it.” He took a serious tone and looked Argeir in the eyes “With my shape-shifting powers I can turn into anyone I want, and I can literally rip out people’s souls and use them to extend my own life; I could very well undermine every government on the planet if I wanted to, or even live forever.”

Stross relaxed and averted his eyes “I’m talking in extreme cases here. I’d never do anything like that, and the chances of me becoming the immortal king of Nirn are really slim with all the things that could go wrong. But the fact is,” he turned back to the leader of the Greybeards “I have these powers, and I’m afraid to use them. I want to spend my life doing good; I want to protect my friends, I don’t want to become a monster like so many others of my kind, but I’m always fearful of falling down that path. And because of this, the last two times Fenora needed my help I couldn’t even bring myself to kill the people whaling on us until she was actually dying. I’m so ashamed of myself and I just don’t know what to do. I’m kind of reluctant to ask after seeing all… this.” he gestured to the party room they were in, including the Orcish stripper that was clearly coming on to him “But what do you think, Master Arngeir? What should I do?”

Arngeir just gave him a black stare before his “wise old man” act crumbled away completely. “Well personally, I think you’re just bein’ a pussy.”

“What?”

Arngeir nodded “Yo Paarthurnax, you been listening to all this?”

At that moment a dragon pushed open a window and stuck his head in and spoke in two languages like a Dora the Explorer dragon. “(Een deed) You know I did. I see you’re all still (par ti en haard).”

“Holy spit!” Stross yelled as he hid behind the bar “How are you people not freaking out right now?”

“(Cuul yir trou serz) Calm yourself, I am on your side.” Paarthurnax reassured him “And I have heard of your (stu peed kraap), your moral plight. I would aid you, but alas, (ie got beh tir theens tuudo), I cannot provide the answers you seek. It is a something you must discover yourself.” Paarthurnax handed Stross a bag of green herbs with his massive talons “Take this (mah ruu wahna), mind relaxer. It will help you to (fih ger eet owt), allow your thoughts to flow more freely, just as it has for my acolytes, (tha duum faaks).

The Greybeards and several party guests watched as Stross chased the lights from the disco ball across the walls while incoherently screaming things like “I’m gonna get you this time you glittering bastard!” and “Why are there flapjacks on my face?!”

“I didn’t expect him to smoke the entire bag at once.” one commented.

“He didn’t, remember? He just opened the bag up and swallowed it.” another reminded them.

“Still, it is most amusing (fuh kin hi laree os).”

“When do you think it will wear off?” Lydia asked as Fenora sipped a pina-colada.

“Another hour maybe. When did you get here, dragonborn?”

“A few minutes ago.” Lydia answered for Fenora as she was enraptured by Stross’s antics “My thane, are we going to question why the Greybeards have a dragon?”

“Later. Must watch silliness.”

Lydia let out a sigh and went to get some popcorn.

…

On the other end of the bar, an unusual crowd were talking to one another.

“Oh come now Palagius, cheer up!” a man wearing a multicolored suit said as he toasted a mug with a chicken leg in it with a Draconequus holding a champagne glass of chocolate milk.

“How can I cheer up, so many buffoons and naysayers slandering me; I’ll have to have the headsman work overtime.” Palagius said solemnly.

“Oh lighten up, will you? It’s a party.” Sanguine said as he fondled a pair of strippers on either side of him.

“Yeah!” a girl with hair like cotton candy joined in as she blew a streamer and confetti at Palagius “This is the best, how can you not be loving it?”

Palagius just sighed and face-planted into a boiled cream treat, leaving the mood rather sour for the rest of them as well. But as Stross crashed into the bar a few stools down, the draconequus floated over, his interest piqued.

“Well hello there,” he said jubilantly only to get a low moan in response “Oh for crying out loud” he dumped a waterful of bucket on Stross and repeatedly slapped him with a herring until he was awake.

“NO MOMMY I DON’T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!” Stross yelled as he woke with a start.

“Wait isn’t that-? How did he get here? Well I guess it makes as much sense as everything else he does.” Stross managed to piece together a coherent thought in his recovering mind.

“Oh don’t worry about that,” Discord sat himself and Stross on a talkshow stage “I didn’t expect to see a changeling in Skyrim, and merely wanted to have a conversation. So what brings you here all the way from Equestria?” he lay on the desk, his head resting in his forepaws.

“Umm… a teleport spell misfired. It was all ‘poof’ and sent me all ‘zoom!’ all the way here. Drained me to an inch of my life and dropped me in woods somewhere.” Stross answered, not knowing what else he would tell the Equestrian god of chaos.

“Oh dear, that seems to be happening quite a lot in the multiverse these days.” Discord said with feigned concern “It’s been getting the incarnations of a certain Timelord all in a tizzy.” he chuckled “But if you like, I could send you right back to where you were. Just a snap of my fingers and poof! You’re back!” Discord held up a small movie screen playing out the scene he’d just described, ending with a confetti-filled victory once Stross arrived home.

“But what’s waiting for me there, what would I be leaving behind? And there’s still-

“Thanks for the offer, really. But I have to stay here, new friends need help defeating the dragons and stuff.” Stross told him as he got up, the talkshow chair disappearing as he left it.

“Oh suit yourself. But first,” Discord reached behind Stross’s hood and pulled out that bone M’aiq gave him “Look what I found Pelagius.” Disord sing-songed “Now you can finally be… hip again. BAWWHAWHAWHAW!” Discord pounded on the table as he laughed despite the joke’s non-existent effect on the manifestation of the dead emperor’s mind.

“He really could have sent me back if he wanted too, but I meant what I said. I have to stay, for this world, for Fen.”

“Well duh you have to stay!” the cotton candy haired girl popped up next to him, nearly making him fall out of his seat “How would Fenora beat the dragons without you? I’ll tell you how, the way you normally do in vanilla Skyrim; boooorrring. The readers don’t want that, they want excitement, and comedy, and references, and a hot steamy love-scene at the end. But the writer can’t do clop to save his life, so that last one’s never gonna happen.” she said in a loud whisper, and Stross was under the impression that he was no longer the one she was talking to.

And I can too write clop scenes… I’m just embarrassed about it… Go away.

“Don’t worry Erised, I won’t tell everyone that it’s because you’ve never actually had sex before. Your secret is safe with me.”

Dammit Pinkie!

“Umm who are you taking to?” Stross asked, completely unaware of my virgin status being publically announced.

“Oh don’t worry about that.” Pinkie shrugged it off like it was nothing, when it was very much something to me “Hey you’re a changeling right; can you turn in to me?” she put on a big hopeful grin.

“Umm, yeah, but why?”

“To redeem your species! Prove you can pull off a decent impersonation of the best party pony that was ever named Pinkie!”

Startled by her outburst, Stross took a split second to concentrate on her form and another to build up the power for his spell. In a whirl of flame the illusion was complete, and standing in his place was a mirror image of the humanized Pinkie Pie.

“Aww man, why’s it so hard about for you little guys to get me right?” Pinkie said sadly, clearly disappointed by Stross’s copy that was identical in every way.

“It’s probably because you can’t beat the original.” Pinkie-Stross told her “That’s how good you are, any attempt to make a perfect copy just feels like a blatant rip-off.”

This brought a smile to Pinkie as she started tearing up. “Aww, Fenora’s lucky to have you, you know that?”

Suddenly her eyes popped open and she started moonwalking. “Oops, gotta go!” she said as she nonchalantly tore a hole between dimensions and jumped through saying “Moonwalking means that Equestria needs saving from a giant marshmallow man.”