A changeling's visit to Skyrim

Honningbrew looked like a battleground; corpses of giant, mutated skeevers lay strew across the ground and hung limply from various objects, and in more than one place the ground itself had been scorched and blown apart.

But there was victory on this day! A squad of guards and their captain stood amongst the destruction, weary and still suffering from tetanus and rabies, but still alive.

The captain marched over to the wizard bandit to blame for it all. “Now let’s see who you really are!” he announced as he pulled off the wizard’s intimidating rat-shaped mask.

Everyone present gasped.

“Old man Hamelyn!” they said, all equally in shock.

“Yes it was me all along.” The elderly alchemist sneered “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that meddling bug, and his stupid dog!” he spat at Stross and Barbas.

“Scooby-dooby fuck you too, pal.” Barbas retorted.

“We can’t thank you enough for your help here today. You’ve done our city a service yet again, changeling.” The guard captain thanked him.

“Not a problem captain, it’s what I do.” Stross accepted the praise like he figured a comicbook hero would. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Barbas and I need to see a certain Daedric prince about paying up on our deal.”

“Well you made it back, did you?” Clavicus spoke from his statue when Stross and Barbas arrived before him “And you’ve ruined Sabjorn for good?”

“If poisoning his product didn’t get him in trouble with the guard, then housing a dangerous fugitive bent on wiping out Whiterun sure did.” Stross informed him.

“Excellent!” Clavicus would have jumped for joy had he not been locked in a statue “I’ll have to tell Maven immediately; I’ll have all the mead I could ever drown people in! And maybe I can convince Maven herself to drop by and, ahem… ‘polish my shrine’ if you know what I mean. I swear that woman is a malicious bitch after my own heart. The two of us would have some real fun together, don’t you think?”

“Rriiiight… so about our deal?” Stross interrupted Clavicus’s rambling.

“Ah yes… the dog.” Clavicus turned a disgusted eye to Barbas, in thought for a moment before returning his stony gaze to Stross “How would you like to sweeten the deal for yourself?”

“What do you mean?” Stross asked cautiously, knowing full well how Clavicus worked.

“Have you heard of a weapon called the Rueful Axe?”

“You mean this?” Stross pulled out a viscous looking executioner’s axe, etched with an engraving of a suffering wolf, and pulsating with an unnatural energy.

“Yes I- Wait, what!? How in Oblivion do you have it?!?” Clavicus shouted, actually thrown for a loop for once.

“A kitty-cat named M’aiq gave it to me when I first got to Whiterun, and I can’t get rid of the stupid thing!” Stross said, trying to fling it away, only for it to remain attached to his palm.

“That conniving feline is really getting bothersome… I wonder what his game is.” Clavicus mumbled to himself “Anyway, yes! That is the Rueful Axe, it is a simple thing, but with many uses for those with a clever mind.”

“You mean like that clueless farmer, the one you told it would cure lycanthropy?” Barbas snarked accusingly.

“He said he didn’t want to see his daughter suffering as a werewolf, so I gave him the answer; make her a dead werewolf.” Clavicus explained in his casual yet remorseless way “But that’s beside the point, for now the axe has a new purpose, one I’ll quite enjoy. Changeling, I want you to use that axe… to kill Barbas.”

Stross and Barbas stood in silence after Clavicus’s decree.

“Dun dun DUUUUN!” Clavicus added his own sound effects.

“W-wait, hold on now buggy.” Barbas stammered, backing up apprehensively “Ya don’t have to do this, I can just leave ya alone if you want. I’ll find someone else to help me out, just don’t hack me up with that thing!” he shouted “It’ll take centuries to reconstitute my form from that kind of magic-fueled dismemberment! Who knows what kind of trouble Clavicus will cause in that time!?”

“Silence mutt!” Clavicus ordered “It’s now or never changeling. Kill Barbas, and you’ll get your wish, any wish you want!”

“N- no… no.” Barbas plead “Nnnnnnoooooooo-“

“Shut up!” Stross yelled at them both. “Let me get a word in edgewise, geez. Clavicus, I’m not going to kill Barbas. How about instead, you can have the Axe, and I get to keep Barbas.” He said, calmly placing the axe on the alter in front of Clavicus.

“Uh, What?” Clavicus said, baffled.

“What?” Barbas asked, equally shocked.

*Shatter!* “WHAT?!?!” came the angry comments from the readers, pre-emptively inserting themselves straight into the story “Are you kidding us!? Barbas was the most annoying character EVER! Why by the gates of Oblivion and Celestia’s glorious sun would you include him MORE?!”

“Yeah!” Stross told them, undeterred “I’ll take Barbas as my right hand minion until we save the world. After that he's free to do whatever. You’ll be rid of him for a while, and I get a new friend! Everyone wins! And let’s face it; you two need some time away from each other.”

“Y-you really mean it?” Barbas asked, slowly walking up to Stross’s side.

“Of course buddy. But let’s get one thing straight from now on. You follow me." he stated simply "Got it?”

“Eh-heh, sure thing boss.” Barbas chuckled sheepishly.

“So, you’d rather team up with some realm-hopping parasite than the daedric Prince of wishes?” Clavicus sneered “Well fine then! Go on, get out of here. And you can forget about your wish! Mark my words changeling, you’ll look back on this day with regret… regret at how you could have had it all, had you simply swallowed your compassion and done as I said! You’ll… you’re already gone aren’t you?”

The only response the spiteful deity received was the obnoxious chirping from one particularly loud cricket.

“Well, I guess it’s time to do what I always do when I’m alone.” Clavicus said to himself.

A small book titled The Yellow Book of Jokes appeared in his stone hand, and he flipped to a random page. “HA-hah ha-ha... Marvelous.”

By the time Stross had made it Riften with Barbas, it was already mid-afternoon. He was thankful Barbas had not talked his ears off the entire way, opting instead to simply keep pace with him, wagging his tale happily. Stross let out a contented sigh when he saw the waterside city come into view, pulling his Nightingale hood off to get a better look.

“Let’s get going, Fenora’s waiting for us in there.” he said, quickening his pace “I hope she’s okay.”

A large splash interrupted him though, and he looked around to find the source.

“Fen?” he mumbled when he saw the black-coated figure standing near the water’s edge, under a shady tree angrily throwing stones into the water.

He slowly and quietly stepped over, watching her. Fenora tossed a large, flat rock a couple times in her hand before throwing it across the water with much more force than was needed, causing it to ski across the surface several times before finally sinking.

Stross could feel how angry she was, tense and disturbed. But luckily, a brilliant idea came to him as he came within a few inches undetected.

“Hugs time!” he yelled and latched onto her from behind, his legs wrapping around her waist.

Fenora yelped in surprise and screamed while backing up, ramming backwards into the nearby tree. Stross immediately released her and she spun around, crushing him against the bark with a solid boot to the gut and drawing her sword against his throat.

“Okay… not hugs time. Got it.” he squeaked.

“Stross?” Fenoras eyes went wide and she immediately lowered her sword. Then she quickly made up for her mistake and scooped him up into her arms, nuzzling his cheek affectionately. “I’m sorry Stross. It can be hugs time whenever you want.”

Stross hugged her back, absorbing a bit of her energy as it washed over him. “Are you alright Fenora?” he asked into her ear, still holding on to her.

Fenora took a deep breath before answering. “Yeah, I guess. Not really. I won’t be using my thu’um any more, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“What? Why not; shouting at stuff like a dragon is awesome.”

===(Expositional flashback!)(Wha wah wah)===

Fenora had just finished getting back to Largashbur after yet another burst of pain hit her, leaving her to pitifully drag her feet for the whole journey from Fallowstone. Luckily Yamarz had been courteous enough to leave the giant bag of stolen gold just outside the cave, and there had been a few potions within to keep her standing through the rest of the trip.

“I can’t believe Yamarz would do this to us.” Garakh shook her head like the others once Fenora concluded her tale of what happened. “This must be some kind of trick!”

“I don’t wish to believe he would go so far either, but in my heart I know the truth.” Atub sided with Fenora “Thank you for bringing back what he stole. And for doing what he could not. I can only hope that Gularzob will do a better job as chieftain.”

“I couldn’t just let you all get wiped out.” Fenora said to her before bringing her voice to a private whisper “You’ll make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble, right? After all, a leader is only as strong as those who follow them… or something like that.”

“Halt outsider! Stop!” came Ugor’s angry voice from the gates as a spryly messenger dashed past the walls.

He spotted Fenora and immediately jogged over. “I’ve been looking for you; got something I’m supposed to deliver, your hands only. Let’s see here…” he said, shifting on his feet but not actually looking through his pockets “A-hah!” a letter suddenly materialized in his hand which he quickly gave to her “It’s from the Greybeards of all people, what an honor. Looks like that’s it, got to go.”

“Yeah you’d better run!” Ugor yelled after him as Fenora opened the letter.

It read,

}(“Dear Dragonborn,

We have sensed a tremendous increase in the power of your voice. But we ask that you use it wisely, and with caution. For while your task of most importance may often demand that you use your gift to its full potential, balance and peace in all things is the way of the voice, and disregarding it will only lead to your suffering.

More importantly, your recent reckless use of the voice has had a tremendously adverse effect on our leader, Paarthunax. Quite simply put: you made Paarthunax cry.

I’m serious! He just sits atop the Throat of the World, spooning ice-cream into him mouth all day and night! We don’t even know where he got it all, but he won’t even talk with us anymore.

Please Dragonborn, whatever new thu’ums you’ve discovered, or even invented, please just stop abusing the voice so maliciously! I hope this letter reaches you soon, otherwise Paarthunax is going to get really fat at this rate.

Your friends and mentors, the Greybeards.”){

===(end of flashback)(… blarb)===

“So there you have it.” Fenora sighed “And I think they’re right, unfortunately. Whenever I use a shout, I always get some kind of… backlash from it; my head starts pounding, I start to bleed, and it even gets hard to see straight. I hate to say it, but I think I won’t be using that kind of thing anymore.”

“I’m sorry Fenora.” Stross patted her on the back “But at least you’re okay, that’s all that matters to me.” he leaned his head on her shoulder.

“Thanks Stross. Hey do you still have that Skeleton key? I’d really like to see it one more time.”

“Uh, no… I gave it back to Nocturnal already.”

Fenora grit her teeth “Oh… that’s… that’s fine. That’s just great.”

“Oh, and that reminds me, Luna’s back!” Stross said with a winning smile “And she’s looking for the Horn of Jurgan Windcaller for us!”

“That’s… actually really good news.” Fenora said, finally perking up for once “How close is she to getting it?”

“Umm, hold on a second.” Stross shuffled through his pockets until he found the dark purple gem Luna had given him. He turned it over a few times, wondering how to use it since Luna had never told him how. He eventually figured it out by channeling a bit of magic into it, making it glow slightly.

“Hello? Who is this?” came Luna’s voice from the stone, making it pulsate in time with her voice.

“Hi Luna, it’s Stross. I know you said you’d call me later tonight, but I just got back to Riften, and Fen wanted an update. How’re you doing?”

“Splendidly!” Luna answered happily “I hath already found the lost sunken temple, fetched the ancient tapestry within for the merchant king, and defeated a necromancer along the way! I am currently gathering shiny rocks for an old woman on the outskirts of what the natives refer to as Black Marsh. Hold one moment, friend.”

There was a shuffling of cloth from the other end of the gem, and a muffled transaction was overheard.

“Greetings, elderly one! I hast returned with many shiny stones for thee!” Luna said, with a loud crumbling sound quickly following.

“I only needed ten.” An old and raspy voice said blankly. “But no matter. Now, I can finally revive the great lord Cthulu, and bring madness and doom upon the world! Bwa-ha-hah-ha-h GAAAHHH!”

Stross and Fenora looked to each other in the ensuing silence.

“Ahem, I apologize for that brief interruption. It turns out the wicked crone t’was actually an evil cultist.” Luna told them sheepishly “She has been dealt a swift and righteous defeat, and my search continues.”

“W-wait! Luna.” Stross halted her “Would you like to… come back here for a while and… hang out?”

There was an awkward pause.

“Hang out?” Luna asked “As in the three of us… spend time together as friends?”

“Mm-hmm.”

In a flash of light Luna had appeared beside them, and in another motion she had dragged Stross into a hug that shattered several vertebrae. “Verily!” she announced in the Royal Canterlot Voice as Stross fell to the ground in pain.

“Aww, and who is this adorable canine companion?” Luna asked, leaning over to pet Barbas.

“The name’s Barbas, demi-daedra and all around amazing guy.” Barbas answered, taking both Luna and Fenora quite off guard, being a talking dog and all. “So boss, who’re these chicks ya got following you around? Are they hookers; ‘cause they look like hookers.”

“Watch thine foul tongue, tiny beast!” Luna commanded “We are a Princess of Equestria, Princess of the night, and thou shall treat us as such!”

“Oh, well excuuuuuusssse me, Princess.” Barbas scrunched up his face “It’s not my fault you have no sense of fashion. What’re you even wearing?”

“I shall have thee know that this elegant cloth wrap was a gift from the merchants of Valenwood.” Luna said indignantly, holding up a piece of her new outfit; a midnight colored dress with a cape that covered her shoulders and back while leaving her midriff exposed, and matching her flowing hair quite nicely.

“Right…” Barbas rolled his eyes “And the dominatrix-looking one in the leather?”

“That’s Fenora Tandis.” Stross introduced her “Dragonborn, owner of my hypothetical heart, and certified bad-ass.”

Barbas chuckled “Aw yeah, this is gonna be a hoot. C’mon, first round of drinks are on me!”

The Bee and Barb had its usual share of customers, the two that kept bickering, the one that was always scheming, Maven Black-Briar, and the others no one bothers to remember. But amid the idle chatter and clatter, there was one distinct noise that stood out.

“I lost ALL my minions!” Stross wailed as he let his head fall onto the barcounter with a thud.

“Cheer up Stross, they’re still around. They just work for someone else now.” Fenora consoled him.

“Indeed, and dids’t thou see how much good they’ve done for this city and its people?” Luna joined in.

“And look at all the money they gave us for them!” Fenora showed him one of many large bags of septims that had been given as payment by the Jarl.

“Half o’ that was profit from the three workin’ at the ‘Bunkhouse’. HAH! People like all kinds of special company ‘round here.” Barbas laughed as he continued lapping up his mead.

Stross sniffled and wiped the tears out of his eyes before glugging down another iced tea, and returning his face to the counter. “I’m sad. Sad…sad…sad…” he mumbled over and over.

Then, just as Fenora was rolling her eyes, the door to their right was thrown open and a terrified boy rushed in, frantically looking around for a place to hide.

“Hey kid, you’re not old enough to be in here, scram!” Keerava, the argonian barkeep shooed him away.

But he didn’t listen to her. In fact he ran up to the counter and started begging them for help. “Please don’t tell her I’m here! I can’t take it there anymore, so I’m running away just like Aventus did!”

Suddenly the doors flew open again, slamming against the walls. A frightening silhouette stood framed in the archway as a bolt of lightning pierced the sky… on a sunny afternoon… with no clouds in the sky… or dragons or mages around.

“So tell me…” the old crone rasped “Have any of you good people seen one of my filthy, snot-nosed brats run in her recently?” Her hawk-like eyes locked onto the frightened boy almost immediately. “Ah, there you are, you worthless little… come here.” she ordered, motioning with a jab of her finger towards the floor.

The boy said nothing, but he backed up fearfully and shook his head.

With uncanny speed for one so old, Grelod was on him in a second, grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him out screaming for his life.

“Halt!” Luna yelled after her, only to have a door slammed in her face.

“My friends, I must depart from our consuming of refreshing beverages, and postpone our hanging out. There is a crime that I must bring to justice.” She told them darkly.

“Right here with you.” Fenora told her, with Stross getting up to follow.

Fenora was about to bust open Honorhall with her signature door opening technique, when Stross jumped in front of her.

“WAAAIIIIT!” he yelled with his hand up. “Just wait a second! I met Aventus Aritino in Windhelm, and he told me how bad this Grelod the kind is; he even wanted to summon a group of assassins to un-alive her, and thought I was one of them at first. But he was exhausted, and he’d dug up a whole corpse and dragged it back to his house. That’s crazy! What if this is all just a huge misunderstanding?”

“And what if it’s not?!” Fenora countered.

“And what if it is?!” Stross retorted “Let’s take this slow for once. Let’s just go in, and take stock of the situation instead of going in swords slinging. Okay?”

Luna and Fenora glanced at each other, and then at the large number of guards that had gathered around.

Deciding it wasn’t a bad idea to be sensible, they nodded reluctantly.

Stross thanked them, and quietly turned the doorknob.

“Welcome to Honorhall Orphanage.” A warm, cheerful voice greeted them “My name is Constance Michel, h-how may I help you today?”

Stross stepped forward to do the talking. “Well, we just saw Grelod drag a boy back here, kicking and screaming. And we were wonder-“

“Is the lad alright?!” Luna butted in, literally shoving Stross aside with her hindquarters.

“Oh… oh y-yes of course.” Constance answered shakily “We here at Honorhall make sure the children under our care are healthy and loved. We also-“

“May we see him?!” Luna asked, leaning over the counter into Constance’s face.

“I, uh… I’m sorry. We- uh, we’re not open at the moment.” Constance started to sweat “You’ll just have to come back later! I can make you an appointment in a few months to-“

“NO! Please not the room, anything but the room!” came the boy’s terrified voice from behind a set of locked doors.

Luna quickly stepped over to the doors, but Constance got in her way. “I’m sorry, you can’t go back there.” she said with a pleading expression.

“Fenora, hold her back.” Luna commanded.

Fenora did so readily, and pulled a struggling Constance off the Princess.

With that out of the way, Luna focused her magic on the doors and practically ripped them off their hinges.

The room beyond was dark save for the light of a few sparse candles. In the spaces between the rickety bunkbeds, several children were forced to stand still with their heads against the walls. Only a brave few looking up to see what had caused the commotion, but still they made no attempt to move, and only trembled in fear.

A cry of pain came from behind the door at the far end of the room, making the other children flinch.

Luna marched over to the door with all haste.

“No please, I beg you, don’t make things worse!” Constance called out to her.

The Princess of the night paid no heed, and ripped the door open. What greeted her was a sight that made her blood boil.

Inside the room, among racks of horrendous looking tools, the boy that had ran to them in fear was shackled to wall with his bare back exposed. Grelod was standing over him holding a cat-o-nine-tales made from a series of saw bands, ready to flog him. And as the many scars already present showed, this was hardly a first time punishment.

Something snapped in Luna’s mind and she stared in horror at the scene.

“What are you doing in here? Get out!” Grelod spat at her.

Luna did not reply. “How dare you.” she muttered, and it was not a question.

“Wh-“

“HOW DARE THEE HARM AN INNOCENT CHILD SO!” she blasted Grelod with her royal Canterlot voice before grabbing the old witch and throwing her to the floor in the other room.

Luna quickly blasted off the shackles on the boy’s wrists, and held her close when he fell. “There there child. We shall not let the wicked crone harm you anymore.” she picked him up and brought him into the other room, finding the least filthy bed and gently placing him upon it. “Stross! We have need of your healing skills!”

“Sweet Celestia, Aventus was telling the truth.” Stross said, unsurprised and yet somehow shocked by it all.

Meanwhile Grelod was struggling to get up, reaching out with her claw-like hands for the nearest support, and Constance was fighting against Fenora’s grip to come to her aid.

“Let me go!” Constance shouted “She needs help!”

Fenora grabbed her shoulders and looked her dead in the eyes. “You hold it right there. That old bat tortures these children, terrifies and abuses them, and you’re still defending her?”

“She doesn’t know anything else! It’s always been like this.” Constance told her “I’ve just tried to make it all okay somehow, but there’s nothing I could say to her to make her stop.”

“Your feeble excuse does not justify what this villain has wrought!” Luna joined in now that the boy’s health was in Stross’s hands.

“I know! I know.” Constance started tearing up “But I had to try and help her. I thought I could get her to change if she saw how to be kind to them, and I just… I just… Please do something!” she begged them, seeing Grelod try to stand after nearly the fifth attempt, only to fall again.

“Fine.” Fenora passed Constance over to Luna and went to pick up the old woman.

“You! Finally! Get me up this instant!” Grelod thrust her hand towards Fenora “What do I even keep that good-for-nothing Constance around for? Gently now! I should have each and every one of you thrown in the Jarl’s dungeon for this.”

She then glanced over to notice the children that were once cowering in the corner were now staring out with curious and bemused expressions.

“And what are you looking at you little guttersnipes!?” she shrieked “Don’t you look at me! I’ll have your fingers for this!”

“Why don’t you shut up already.” Fenora told her coldly.

Grelod looked at Fenora like she’d sprouted wings from her head. “Shut up?” she repeated the words before her face morphed into an even deeper frown “Who in Oblivion do you think you are to tell-“

That was all that was said before Fenora grabbed Grelod’s head.

A sickening crack and a stretching squelch filled the air as Fenora snapped Grelod’s neck and proceeded to twist her head off her shoulders.