Robot Scootalooby alarajrogersChaptersIt's Alive!What Could Go Wrong?A Random Brony Goes To EquestriaA Fluttercord FanficSpike The Magic DragonPrincess Celestia Bucks A Foal Into OrbitSweetie Belle Gets Her Cutie MarkRead It (Starring Cheese Sandwich!)The Real Reason Discord Turned EvilWhat Could Go Wrong Part Deux: Electric BoogalooSHADOW MALEFICENT STARBLADE!!!Twilight, I Am Your MotherA Random Brony Goes To Equestria Part DeuxIronyWhat Could Go Wrong Part the Third: Once More With FeelingTo Serve CupcakesChicken LooYou Didn’t See ThatWho Can Be The Biggest Woobie?Bok Bok BokThe Other Kind of Griffins In EquestriaLuna the LUMBERJACKApple Bloom Can ChangeFluttershy and Discord Take Over EquestriaHarpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings.Discord Gets His Cutie MarkIt's Alive!"Owww!" In her attempt to dodge the enclosed carriage careening drunkenly through the streets of Ponyville, Scootaloo fell off her scooter and into a rocky ditch. "Ow ow ow that's gonna smart even worse tomorrow ow!" She felt her head, where it felt like a rock had slammed into the orbit of her skull, just above her eye. "I think I'm bleeding ow ow ow. And my knee! And my other knee! And my wing! Ow." As she sat in the ditch contemplating her various ows and how very ow they all were, something unexpectedly scooped her into the air. "Scooterpie! Oh, you poor, dear little chicken, what a terrible accident! I must fix you at once!" Scootaloo squirmed around to face the most-likely-totally-insincere owner of that voice. "Discord! What the hay are you doing?" "Language, my little chickadee," Discord said, holding Scootaloo in the air effortlessly with one paw. "Now that you've had your tragic, tragic accident—" "I just fell off my scooter onto some rocks. I do it all the time!" "—I must take you to my laboratory at once to fix you!" "I don't need fixing! And—wait, laboratory? You have one of those?" "Why, if Rainbow Dash were to see you in this horrifying state, she would cry! And I am assured by the mare herself that if she were ever to do anything as uncool as crying, the world would end! Quickly, little chicken! We need to attend to your injuries at once, to SAVE THE WORLD!" "I am not a chicken!" Scootaloo complained. "I suppose you are somewhat reminiscent of an emu, now that I look." "A what?" Without warning they were in a laboratory that looked like it came straight out of a comic book. Blinky lights, test tubes oozing green slime, strange looking devices… and a table, which Discord strapped Scootaloo down on before she could protest. "Hey!" "Don’t worry, this won't hurt a bit." He reached down with some sort of metal blinking something or other and touched her injured eye. "It's alive!" he shouted gleefully. "Of course I'm alive! I just fell off my scooter!" Scootaloo tried to blink and found that only her good eye could close; the other eye was stuck open. "What did you do?" she asked frantically. "Why, I've made you into a robot! Well, technically cyborg, but robot sounds better." "A what?" "No, not a what, a robot! Or technically cyborg. Here, have a look!" He conjured a mirror. The left side of Scootaloo's face was now covered with a partial mask of black metal, and where her eye had been was a glowing light that appeared to shine a beam, like a very narrow flashlight. "Huh. That looks pretty cool, actually." "And now for the important part!" Discord ripped the restraints off Scootaloo, picked her up and dumped her in a chair in front of what looked like two dozen screens. He then strapped her forehooves to the arms of the chair. "Discord, what the hay are you doing?" "Isn't it obvious?" He brandished some sort of little black boxlike device at her, making Scootaloo recoil. "I'm preparing you to watch bad fanfic!" "To what?" "You keep saying what. That word, I do not think it means what you think it means." "What does it mean, then?" "Never mind. Watch the show!" He pressed a button on the box, and the screens lit up. ROBOT SCOOTALOO WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND PRODUCED BY ALARA ROGERS WITH VOICES PROVIDED BY THE REGULAR CAST OF MY LITTLE PONY GUEST STARRING JOHN DE LANCIE AND WEIRD AL YANKOVIC AND OCCASIONALLY SETH GREEN BUT NOT SETH MACFARLANE BECAUSE HE'S A DICK EXCEPT IN ONE OR TWO OF THE GUEST SHOTS MY LITTLE PONY CREATED AND OWNED BY HASBRO ROBOT CHICKEN CREATED AND OWNED BY STUPID MONKEY PRODUCTIONS NO ACTUAL CHICKENS WERE MADE INTO ROBOTS DURING THE PRODUCTION OF THIS PARODY fwwwt Author's Note Yeah... don't take any of this seriously. Parody of Robot Chicken from Adult Swim (thank you to AK47Productions, whose comment below included this link so I didn't have to go find it when I remembered I should embed the references in the author's notes. :-)) The fwwwt sound effect is my best attempt to render the sound of the channel being changed, used at the end of each Robot Chicken micro-skit to signal a change to a new skit. What Could Go Wrong?"It's perfectly safe for me to practice this new spell, Spike!" Twilight laughed. "I've got it covered. What could go wrong?" "I don't know about this," Spike moaned. Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell. Nothing went wrong. "See?" Twilight said. "I told you!" fwwwt A Random Brony Goes To Equestria"I'm a random brony. One day I just woke up and I was in Equestria! And the Mane 6 were surrounding me! The end." fwwwt A Fluttercord FanficRating: Teen Tags: Comedy, Random, Romance Summary: Fluttershy is falling in love with Discord. Will he return her love? FLUTTERCORD Fluttershy was worried. Ever since she'd reformed Discord, she'd found herself having feelings for the Spirit of Chaos. Feelings that couldn't be explained by mere friendship. Maybe... love. But wasn't falling in love with the Spirit of Disharmony a quick way to end up with a broken heart? Could he possibly return her feelings? "YES! HE TOTALLY DOES! TELL HIM, FLUTTERSHY!" Fluttershy stared in bemusement as a certain pink pony bounced up and down next to her. "Pinkie? When did you get here?" "Just now, silly!" "But... how did you know I was thinking about my feelings for Discord?" "Because I read the summary and it said Fluttercord! That means the two of you are destined to be together in this story cause the writer said so!" Fluttershy blinked. "That doesn't even make any sense..." "That's okay, things don't have to make sense! Why don't you tell him right now?" At that point Discord appeared. "Buongiornio, my little ponies! How are my favorite diminutive equines today?" "Tell him," Pinkie said in what was supposed to be a stage whisper, except it was rather louder than that. "Oh, I couldn't... I mean... eep..." "My dear Fluttershy." Discord reached down and lifted Fluttershy's chin so she was looking up at him. "Can it be true that you've actually fallen in love with me? The God of Chaos? Why, I don't look anything at all like a pony, and I'm completely insecure about it! I'm a hideous, monstrous creature! How could any pony possibly care about me?" "I care about you," Fluttershy said, fluttered up to him and kissed him. Discord swept her into a close embrace. "Oh, my dearest Fluttershy!" He turned to Pinkie Pie. "Pinkie, be a dear for me and see if the mature box is checked? Also the box for sex?" "Nope! Just Romance, Comedy and Random!" "Oh. Pity that. My darling, we will have to consummate our passionate and newly formed romance offstage so that the audience can't see!" "What?" Fluttershy said. "Never mind. Shall we go, my sweet? I have dozens of roses and a diamond ring and all sorts of completely traditional, non-chaotic, thoroughly expected signs of my affection to give you!" "Um, yay?" With that, Fluttershy and Discord disappeared together in a flash. In front of Pinkie Pie there was a giant milkshake glass, taller than she was, with a lengthy bendy straw hanging out of it. It was full of chocolate milk, with a large dollop of whipped cream on top. In flashing neon lights, the side of the milkshake glass said, "Thanks for checking the summary for me, Pinkie, you're a true pal." Pinkie sighed deeply. "Chocolate milk with whipped cream. Nirvana!" At that point a random brony stepped out of the Everfree Forest and said "Wow, aren't you Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony?" fwwwt Spike The Magic DragonOPENING SHOT: SPIKE, sitting in library, reading a book. Looks up startled as disembodied voices begin to sing. VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: I what? VOICES: Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Spike, And brought him strings and sealing wax and a seven speeded bike, oh SPIKE: Uh… no, no he didn't! Cause I never met the guy! And also I don't even like strings or sealing wax… though I wouldn't mind a bike. VOICES: Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail Jackie kept a lookout perched on Spike's gigantic tail SPIKE: Um, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but… are you high? VOICES: Noble kings and princes would bow whenever they came, Pirate ships would lower their flag when Spike roared out his name. oh! SPIKE: Ok, very funny, whoever is behind this prank… ha ha, but it's getting old now. VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: You said that already… still not true. VOICES: A dragon lives forever but not so little boys Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys SPIKE: What's a little boy anyway? For that matter who are you? Twilight, is this some weird spell of yours gone wrong? VOICES: One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more And Spike that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar. SPIKE: Hello… I'm still a kid here… VOICES: His head was bent in sorrow, purple scales fell like rain, Spike no longer went to play along the cherry lane. SPIKE: Oh my Celestia that's depressing. Hey, if you're going to sing a song about me in the future or something, could you maybe sing it about me being a big hero, not getting all depressed because some friend of mine died? Also, what is a boy? VOICES: Without his life-long friend, Spike could not be brave, So Spike that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh! SPIKE: You are depressing me. VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: Wait, what? First I'm all depressed because my friend died and then I'm frolicking again? What, am I supposed to go senile or something? VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: It's Equestria! And I don't live anywhere near the sea! I never even heard of this Honah Lee place! VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP! SPIKE fires a burst of flame at nothing in particular. ENTER DR. TRAN, a small human male with very narrow eyes, dark hair and golden tan skin, wearing a green sweater. DR. TRAN: I see the voices get you too? They never stop bothering me. Even when I go with my friend Leland's crazy grandma to Toy Store, stupid voices still tell me about future like it's happening right now. I going to be completely insane! SPIKE: Who are you? NEW VOICE: He's Dr Tran! America's top secret agent! He has a Ph. D. in kicking your ass! DR. TRAN: I a five year old boy from Vietnam. Don't listen to stupid voices, they liars. SPIKE: So you're a boy? DR. TRAN: Uh-huh. SPIKE: Do you know a boy named Jackie Paper? DR. TRAN (sighs) You listening to voices! Never do that! They make you insane! VOICES: Little Dr. Tran loved that rascal Spike, And brought him gems and other things and maybe finally that bike DR. TRAN: I do not! I just met him! SPIKE: Do you actually have a bike? Or gems? DR. TRAN: NO! SPIKE: Well, excuse me for asking. fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Puff the Magic Dragon (link goes to a video that has the lyrics as well). Also a parody of Dr. Tran and one of its sequels, Mr. Tran and the Toy Cack. Princess Celestia Bucks A Foal Into OrbitIn the middle of a street in Canterlot, Princess Celestia smiles at her subjects, until she encounters a baby carriage. She looks both ways, observes that no one is paying attention… and bucks the baby carriage into orbit. The foal sails off with a thin, receding wail. fwwwt Sweetie Belle Gets Her Cutie MarkSweetie Belle was folding the laundry when a flash appeared on her side. She looked back at her flank. "I got my Cutie Mark! I got my Cutie Mark!" She ran to Rarity. "Rarity, I got my Cutie Mark!" "How wonderful! What is it?" Rarity inspected the image, which appeared to be a folded pile of laundry. Sweetie Belle craned her head back to see it. "It looks like… a pile of folded laundry?" "Yes, that does appear to be what it is." Rarity placed her hoof on her sister's shoulder. "How exciting! Your special talent is to fold laundry, Sweetie Belle." "Well, this sucks," Sweetie Belle grumbled. fwwwt Read It (Starring Cheese Sandwich!)CHEESE SANDWICH appears on stage, with accordion. Backup singers behind him are Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Zecora. On other instruments, the backup band consists of Octavia on fiddle, Vinyl Scratch on soundboard, Lyra Heartstrings on piano, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying and failing to get their cutie marks on drums. CHEESE (dancing as he plays accordion): How come you're always such a fussy young brony You're so picky 'bout the fanfics from My Little Pony Well don't you know that authors get to feeling kinda lonely So read it Just read it PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Ooo! Don't wanna argue I don't wanna debate Don't wanna hear about what kind of fics you hate Karma's gonna get you if you don't bother to rate So read it Just read it CHEESE (scowls into camera): Don't you tell me it sucks! CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Just read it, read it, read it, read it Find an author's ego and feed it Have some more random starring the Pie (PINKIE waves arms wildly) It doesn't matter if the grammar makes you cry Just read it, read it, read it, read it CHEESE: Your reading manners are just awful! Hot damn, You haven't even left a single comment, man How can you be so cold if you call yourself a fan? Go read it Just read it You better listen, cause I don't wanna scold So many stories out there that just gotta be told Just remember how much you sucked when you yourself were twelve years old So read it Just read it PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Now! CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Just read it, read it, read it, read it Set a comment quota and meet it Have some more grimdark, have some more HiE Even if the wall'o'text makes you wanna die Just read it, read it, read it, read it Don't you make me repeat it Read Alicorn OCs, read Gary Stu It doesn't matter if the plot smells like poo Just read it read it read it read it Read it read it read it read it (CHEESE and PINKIE dance, CHEESE playing the accordion still, PINKIE performing a kazoo solo) CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: So read it, read it, read it, read it Stick your butt into a chair and seat it Read about background ponies, read about the Mane 6 There's nowhere else better to get your pony fix So read it, read it, read it, read it Read it read it read it read it TWILIGHT (disapprovingly): That's all very well and good, but ninety percent of all fanfics totally suck. CHEESE: Ninety percent of everything sucks! Just read it! (PINKIE and CHEESE toss fanfics at TWILIGHT, who desperately tries to catch all of them with her magic and read them all, as they dance around her singing) Come on, read it, read it, read it, read it Don't you make me repeat it (Oh Celestia!) Have some crossovers, have Five Score By Four Have some clopfics, then go surfing for more Just read it read it read it read it Read it read it read it read it fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Eat It by Weird Al Yankovic (itself a parody of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson.) BTW, I feel like I should clarify: I'm an enormously picky eater. I'm also an only slightly less picky reader. I don't actually agree with the song "Eat It", I just think it's funny; likewise, I don't really agree with "Read It", but I needed Cheese Sandwich to sing a meta parody of "Eat It", so there we go. :-) I do agree folks should leave more comments, though. :-) The Real Reason Discord Turned EvilThis was going to be the best night ever, thought the teenage draconequus, with hearts and stars sparkling in his eyes (literally). He had had some difficulty getting a tux to rent in his size, so he'd had to make his own, but he thought the pink and blue had more pizzazz than a typical black and white tux anyway, and he thought the corsage of flowers that played music was a nice touch. Sweating slightly, he teleported to Celestia's bedroom door, bypassing all the annoying guards who probably would try to keep him out, and knocked loudly. And then knocked again. And then manufactured a number of hands, feet, hooves, paws, claws, and tentacles to continue to knock on the door, incessantly, until his date for the prom finally opened the door. Discord had a speech prepared for this, but the beauty of Celestia in her prom dress, with her mane styled perfectly and glittering gemstones hanging from her ears, caused him to completely lose track of what he was going to say. "My beet swootiful Celestia! I, uh, I'm here, and you're here, and we're both here, so, um, that prom! Yes! The one that we were going to go to!" "Oh, um--" Celestia coughed. "Discord, I'm so terribly *cough cough* sorry, but I've just suddenly gotten *cough cough* sick! With, um--" Her entire white-coated body suddenly turned blue. "With the blue flu! *cough cough* It's, um, very contagious, so I *cough* can't go with you!" Discord stared at her in utter shock, his dreams of the most perfect night ever breaking. But of course it wasn't Celestia's fault that she was sick. "Oh, you poor thing! I could come in and help take care of you--" "Oh no *cough cough*, I wouldn't want you to get sick! *cough* Luna's taking care of me. *cough* Because she's *cough cough* blue already, so she can't get the blue flu!" "I could turn myself blue, would that protect me? And look, my tux is blue!" "No, *cough* only a naturally blue coat protects you *cough cough* from the blue flu. But *cough* I'm so sorry I'm going to *cough cough* make you miss the prom! *cough* Maybe you could come by *cough cough* in a few days when I'm better, and we could, um, *cough* go hang out in the woods? Where, um, it's private and nopony will see us together *cough* I mean because privacy is romantic, right?" "I--um--yes, of course, that sounds, uh, great. I--I'll see you in a few days." He reappeared at his home, all by himself, in the middle of nowhere, because that's angsty and tragic. "I was really looking forward to going to the prom," he said sadly, tossing the flower corsage on the floor, where it turned into a mound of ants that immediately began scurrying off to go found a new colony in his pantry. All the ponies at high school that teased him about being an ugly draconequus and having no friends would see that he hadn't brought Celestia as his date to the prom, as he'd said he would, and laugh at him. If he managed to find some filly willing to go with him at the last possible second, which seemed really unlikely even for the Master of Chaos, then they'd laugh because he brought a date who wasn't Celestia after he'd been bragging that she'd agreed to go with him, and if he didn't go at all, they'd know he couldn't find a date. Hmm. He thought about that. One of the rules of the prom was that you couldn't go if you didn't have a date. But he was Discord, and he didn't play by the rules. He grinned to himself. He'd go anyway, invisible, and watch everything. Then he'd claim tomorrow that he'd been to the prom with Celestia and the reason no one saw him was that he and she spent most of their time in the coat closet making out. And he'd know about everything that happened at the prom, so he could prove he'd been there! Perfect. Proms were unbelievably boring, it turned out. All the ponies he hated from school were there, milling about and having inane teenage conversations. He longed to spice things up, maybe change the punch to something more interesting, or unleash a bunch of rats into the middle of the dance floor, or make the chaperone, old Miss Dried-Up Pruneface (this was actually her name), suddenly start dancing the tango instead of sneering at fillies whose hemlines were too short and demanding that they submit to her magical dress alterations. But there would be time for that later. If he did it now, he'd prove he was here, but then the ponies would start looking for him and Celestia and too many of them were sober for that. If he did it later, he'd prove he was here, and the fact that none of them would be able to find him would have more to do with the fact that a veritable plethora of them would be too busy making out in coat closets with their significant others, and many of the rest would be drunk after some prankster who wasn't him inevitably spiked the punch. (Discord never did anything so jejune and boring as putting alcohol in the punch. He'd never need to; somepony would always do it for him. His idea for the punch had revolved around hot sauce.) And then a pony who looked startlingly like Celestia arrived, accompanied by that jerkface Prince Sombra. Wait a minute. That was Celestia. She was wearing the dress he'd helped her pick out (well, that he'd accompanied her to pick out anyway; she hadn't taken any of his ideas), her mane styled just as he'd seen it an hour ago, and she was laughing and smiling and most certainly not coughing. And she was not blue. Prince Sombra said something stupid, and Celestia giggled. "Oh, Sombra! You have such a sense of humor!" Sense of humor? That was what Celestia always said she liked most about him! Discord materialized in front of her in a rage. "Blue flu, Celestia?" She gaped at him. "D--Discord! What are you doing here?" "I could ask the same of you, Princess Celestia," he sneered. "You told me you were sick with the blue flu!" Sombra had the nerve to laugh. "The -- the blue flu?" he chortled. "And you believed her? There's no such thing as the blue flu!" "I -- uh, I was just feeling nervous --" "Oh, no, Princess, I see how it is," Discord spat. "You could have just said ‘no' when I asked you out, but instead you string me along, pretend you'll be my date, then beg off sick so you can go with some jerkface unicorn instead. What's the matter, was it too embarrassing to imagine being seen with me? Am I too ugly for you?" "Um, well... frankly, yes," Celestia said. "I like you a lot as a friend, Discord, but, um, you're not exactly a pony, and well, I'm just not attracted to you..." "Then why were you willing to make out with me in the woods all those times?" Celestia turned red. "I was experimenting! I'm a teenage filly, I've got hormones! Besides I wanted to let you down easy!" "Wait, you made out with him?" Sombra said, startled. "You never even let me get to second base!" "Well, because you and I might get married!" Celestia said. "I didn't want you to think I was fast!" "You'd better be fast," Discord snarled at her, and threw a pie in her face. Strawberry rhubarb, her least favorite flavor. Rhubarb, and strawberry, dripped all over her expensive, fancy new dress. Celestia's face contorted with rage, and while Discord was giggling at how stupid she looked with the strawberry rhubarb plastered all over her face, she fired a bolt of magic at him, throwing him into the punch bowl. It crashed over his head, drenching him with punch that hadn't even been spiked yet. All around, ponies stopped what they were doing to stare, point, and laugh hysterically. Discord got to his feet, slowly. "Stand me up for the prom, will you? Dump me for some loser unicorn, will you? Ruin my tux? Oh, Celestia, you don't know what you've started, my dear." He began cackling maniacally, throwing his mismatched hands out as the ceiling transformed into thick pink stormclouds. "From this point forward, chaos will reign free all over Equestria! I will be your DOOM! Hahahahahahahaha!!!" Fluttershy stared at Discord as he got to this point in his story. "Um... are you saying you turned evil because Princess Celestia stood you up at the prom? Isn't that... um... totally lame? Not that that's so bad or anything..." "I was young!" Discord said defensively. fwwwt Author's Note Possibly inspired by Discorderly Conduct. Or maybe by the incredibly big deal my teenage daughter is making of her upcoming prom. Any resemblance to a mockery of stories where Discord turns evil because Celestia rejects him romantically is... absolutely intentional. What Could Go Wrong Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo"It's perfectly safe for me to practice this new spell, Spike!" Twilight laughed. "I've got it covered. What could go wrong?" "I don't know about this," Spike moaned. Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell. Nothing seemed to happen at all. "Huh. Why didn't it work?" "Um, Twilight? You might want to see this." Twilight looked at where Spike was looking. On her flank, instead of sparkling stars, there was now a neatly folded pile of laundry. "Well, buck." fwwwt SHADOW MALEFICENT STARBLADE!!!Shadow Maleficent Starblade! The long-lost brother of Celestia and Luna! A black alicorn with a red mane like fire! The fire he wields as his power... along with shadows! And starblades! Shadow Maleficent Starblade! Banished to the most hellish of all possible worlds, crueler and more dangerous than even Tartarus -- Earth! Where he has been living in the suburbs, an empty life devoid of magic, with parents who don't understand him and no girlfriend and classmates who taunt him for being a brony! Until one day -- one day, he remembers his true destiny! Shadow transports himself to the Everfree Forest and takes back his true form! Suddenly he finds a manticore, a hydra and a timberwolf all chasing after Fluttershy! It seems as if the poor yellow pegasus is doomed, until Shadow Maleficent Starblade steps in, and with one swoop of his mighty starblade, decapitates the manticore, the timberwolf, and all of the heads of the hydra, at once! "My hero!" Fluttershy says, clinging to him. Suddenly Shadow senses a great disturbance in magic, because that's another one of his powers. With one flap of his mighty black wings, he teleports to Ponyville, in a ring of fire! Black fire! With red highlights! Just like him! The magical spell Twilight Sparkle is trying to perform has gotten away from her! Her eyes have turned glowing and silver, and she's floating in mid-air, screaming, as energy crackles all around her! She's going to overload! But not while Shadow Maleficent Starblade is in town! With one wave of his mighty horn, which is black, but glows red, he draws the magic away from Twilight and pulls it into himself, where he absorbs it completely! Twilight is saved! "My hero!" she says dreamily, clinging to him. "Um, no, he was my hero first," Fluttershy says. Twilight glares. "But he's an alicorn and I'm an alicorn! We're meant for each other!" But there's no time to waste with pointless catfighting between best friends! Suddenly a scream rings out! It's Rarity's voice. The Carousel Boutique is on fire! With one gallop of his mighty hooves, Shadow Maleficent Starblade finds himself at the Carousel Boutique. Rarity is trapped on the upper floor as the flames roar. "Help me! Somepony help me!" Never fear, Rarity! With a flap of his mighty wings and a glow from his mighty horn, Shadow uses his power over flames to control the flames and douse them, saving her and all of her merchandise as well! Rarity leaps into his hooves because he just happened to be rearing up on his hind legs. "My hero!" "We were here first," Fluttershy and Twilight say. But Rarity is nothing if not generous! "My dear friends, why don't we share him?" she asks. "Yes! Let's have a herd!" Twilight says. "Yes, let's!" Fluttershy says. Then they all hear a scream. Rainbow Dash is falling! She must have broken her wing, somehow! Despite the fact that he has three mares clinging to him, Shadow Maleficent Starblade leaps into the air and catches the falling cyan rainbow-maned mauve-eyed rainbow-becutiemarked brash pegasus. "My hero!" Rainbow Dash says. Then Pinkie Pie leaps toward them. "Oh my gosh a new pony in Ponyville and he's so handsome what's your name stranger I need to make friends with you and also throw you a party and also join in with my friends' herd and make sweet love to you all night with whipped cream!" "My name," says Shadow Maleficent Starblade, "is Shadow Maleficent Starblade." "Oh, how exotic!" Rarity swoons. "You're such a good flyer!" Rainbow Dash says. "And so good with magic!" Twilight says. "And so heroic!" Fluttershy says. "Well, hay with it, guess Ah'm gonna go for a piece of that action too," Applejack says, and throws herself into the pile of mares on Shadow. At this point Luna and Celestia teleport in front of the group! "Oh, sister, can it be?" Luna asks. "I cannot imagine there being another red and black alicorn prince with such amazing skills!" Celestia says. "It must be our long-lost brother, Shadow Maleficent Starblade!" "Yo," Shadow says, and punches his sisters, because he's cool and manly like that. They giggle. "Oh, Shadow, it is you!" Luna says. "Welcome home, dear brother!" Celestia says. "Now that you are back, Luna and I can abdicate as the diarchs of Equestria and yield to you as our rightful King and Ruler!" "Does that mean we are herding with the king of Equestria?" Rarity shouts, and then faints again. At this point Discord appears! "I'm here to say something snide and nasty," Discord says, "because that's what I do in stories like this." "Not so fast, villain!" Shadow Maleficent Starblade says, and punches Discord. Even though Discord can teleport, move the sun and the moon at will, invert gravity, split his head in half, remove his body parts, and change his size, he is helpless to stop Shadow Maleficent Starblade from utterly beating the crap out of him with his mighty hooves and his mighty wings and his mighty horn and his mighty starblade! But not the other mighty part of him, because that would totally be gay. "Please!" Discord snivels. "Please don't kill me!" "Well, I really want to," Shadow Maleficent Starblade says, "but since my sisters have begged me to show you mercy, I will spare you, if you lick my hooves." So Discord licks Shadow Maleficent Starblade's hooves. Which Shadow doesn't even enjoy one bit, because he is totally not gay. However, seeing Shadow's magnificent hooves being licked has made the Mane 6 incredibly horny! So now they pull Shadow toward the Carousel Boutique, which has the best collection of sex toys, making seductive moans. The mighty part of Shadow that he didn't actually use to beat up Discord stirs to life at the sound of the seductive moaning! Fortunately Shadow has the stamina of a thousand stallions and will have no trouble pleasuring six mares until they swoon from delight, all night long! At this point Big Mac appears, with a shotgun, and blows Shadow Maleficent Starblade's mighty head off. "Another alicorn OC?" he grumbles. "Thought we sprayed for those varmints jest last week." fwwwt Twilight, I Am Your Mother"You will never defeat me, Twilight Sparkle!" Nightmare Moon sneered at Twilight. "I will! For Princess Celestia!" Twilight shot back. Nightmare Moon laughed. "You ridiculous foal. Once you know the truth that Celestia hid from you, you won't even want to fight me!" Twilight blinked. "Princess Celestia never hid the truth from me!" "Didn't she? What did she tell you about what happened to your mother?" "Wait, what does my mother have anything to do with this?" "Twilight, I AM YOUR MOTHER!" Twilight stared at Nightmare Moon in disbelief. "Oh, come on, now, am I expected to buy that?" "Search your heart!" Nightmare Moon said. "You know this to be true!" "I know this to be one of the oldest cliches in the book!" Twilight said. "Actually," Pinkie said, "it just dates back to the 80's when The Empire Strikes Back came out!" "Ok, but still, that's pretty old," Twilight said. "What, and eternal night is fresh material?" Nightmare Moon said. "I have to work with what I've got! Now join me, in the dark side of the... darkness!" "You girls getting all this?" Twilight asked her friends. "Yeah," Rainbow Dash said. "Totally lamesauce. 'Dark side of the darkness?' Isn't it supposed to be the dark side of the moon?" "Well, um, there's no dark side of the moon, really," Fluttershy said. "As a matter of fact, it's all dark." "Why, Fluttershy!" Rarity said. "I would never have guessed you to be a Pink Floyd fan!" "How in the hay is Twilight supposed to believe you're her mom when you've been on the moon a thousand years?" Applejack asked. "Ah know you like to throw the word 'foal' around a lot, but seriously, Your Highness, we weren't born yesterday. And ain't none of us born a thousand years ago, neither." "I don't know how it happened!" Nightmare Moon said. "Just go with it!" "Um, no," Twilight said. "I have a better idea. How about we use the Elements of Harmony and defeat you?" "NOOOOOOOO!" "Sheesh, you'd think we just told her that the special somepony she sacrificed herself to the dark side to save died because of injuries she caused, or something," Pinkie said. fwwwt A Random Brony Goes To Equestria Part DeuxA Random Brony Goes To Equestria Part Deux A random brony addresses the camera. "I'm a random brony. One day I just woke up and I was in Equestria! And the Mane 6 were surrounding me!" He is sitting on the ground in a meadow. The Mane 6 are surrounding him. "What kind of a critter are you, sugarcube?" Applejack says. Pinkie says, "He looks like a monkey! Except he doesn't have any fur on his body, just a mane!" "His style in clothing is atrocious," Rarity said. "Look at the quality of that rag he's wearing... wait, is that a picture of us?" As the camera pans back, we can see that he is wearing a well-worn T-shirt with pictures of Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie on it. "It totally is!" Rainbow Dash says. "I'm so awesome monkey aliens wear clothes with pictures of me!" She dances around in mid-air, making foot motions that actually don't do much because she is hovering. "Go Rainbow, it's your birthday! Go Rainbow, it's your birthday!" "It's not your birthday, Dashie," Pinkie says. "That's two months from now!" Twilight says, "It's flattering, but why is a member of a species we've never heard of wearing clothes with pictures of me, Pinkie and Rainbow?" "It's because in my dimension, you're all characters on a TV show!" Random Brony says excitedly. "Wow, this is so exciting! I'm actually in Equestria! Woo-hoo!" "Um, what is TV?" Fluttershy asks. Quietly. Very quietly. "Oh, um... it's like a play, or, or a movie! Except that the theaters are in everyone's houses, and small, like the size of—" "A breadbox?" Pinkie interrupts. "Yes, something like that, and we beam the movie to everyone's house, kind of like the way telegrams are sent, and then everyone watches it at the same time! Well, unless they're streaming off Netflix or they've pirated it or got it on DVD... but none of that's important." "And you're a fan of this TV?" Twilight asks. "I love your show! I love all of you! My Little Pony changed my life!" He tries to hug them but they dodge backwards, except for Pinkie, who he squeezes hard enough that she briefly turns blue. "So if you love us all so dadgurn much, how come only Twilight and Rainbow and Pinkie are on your shirt?" Applejack asks with her eyebrow raised. "Well, the little girls who watch the show are mostly only into Twilight and Rainbow and Pinkie. It's just us bronies who really care about all of the Mane 6!" he says proudly. "The Mane 6? Is that what you call us?" Twilight says. "Wait, wait a minute," Rainbow says. "Go back a bit. Did you just say little girls watch this show? Like, little fillies?" "Yeah, the show was created for them but we bronies love it!" "Is a brony your word for a stallion?" Twilight asks. "It means a man, which is our word for a stallion, who loves My Little Pony!" "Even though it's a show for little girls?" Rarity asks archly. "Um... yes! Even though it's a show for little girls, it's still really good and—" The Mane 6 start laughing hysterically and pointing at Random Brony with their hooves. "Hahaha! You like a girl show, you like a girl show!" Tears fill the Random Brony's eyes. "You should be called the Mean 6!" he shouts, and runs away to the sound of pony laughter. *fwwwt* IronyIrony Pinkie Pie is sitting in a plush armchair, in a subdued-looking study with dark wood paneling, bookshelves full of books all around, and a fireplace with a roaring fire inside. She is wearing a monocle and a pencil-thin black mustache that droops off her face on either side, and smoking a pipe. "Today we will discuss 'irony'," she says in a fake Trottingham accent. "Irony is a form of comedy based on violating expectations in a way that satisfies them. Or, to put it another way, the ironic event is one which, once it occurs, seems curiously fitting, although it could not have been predicted in advance. For instance, in the O. Henkeeper story Gifts for Hearth's Warming, a poor mare shaves her mane and sells it as a wig to buy a gold chain for her husband to hang his watch on; meanwhile, her husband sells his beloved watch to buy a bejeweled mane clip for his wife. This turn of events was not predicted by either of them, but the sacrifices match each other, each giving up the thing they treasure to buy their partner an accoutrement for what the partner most treasures... which the partner has just sold to buy the corresponding accoutrement for them." The camera swivels around to view the studio audience. The only member of the studio audience is Rainbow Dash, who is tied to a chair, struggling. "Let me out! This is torture!" Back to Pinkie, who puffs on her pipe. "In the previous sketch we see an example of 'irony'. My friends and myself are characters on a quote unquote 'girly cartoon'; thus, the natural expectation would be that we would have high opinions of girly cartoons and value the opinions of those who appreciate them, and in particular, appreciate 'us'. However, on Earth, the subgroup of adult human males that proclaim themselves 'bronies' enjoy our adventures, on a girly cartoon, despite social pressure and opprobrium at the perceived low value of such cartoons to adults and to males and particularly to adult males. Thus, the previous skit creates a violation of expectations by having us, characters in a 'girly cartoon', denigrate an adult male human fan of ours as if we shared the same opinion of the appropriateness of such cartoons to adult men as his own society does." Back to Rainbow Dash. "Discord and Pinkie, I am going to kill you both! Let me out of this thing!" "Another example of irony is the fact that I myself, Pinkie Pie, have adopted a relatively low-key demeanor and am employing a much more complex vocabulary than is my usual wont, in order to discuss irony with you today. This creates humor because it violates expectations. One would normally—" A talon taps her on her head. She turns. "Discord. Do you mind?" "I do mind, actually," Discord says crossly. He is wearing the exact same outfit as Pinkie. "Firstly, your impersonation of a pompous Trottingham lecturer isn't ironic at all. It violates expectations but not in a way that seems fitting in any regard. Secondly, that's my chair, and those are my lines, and honestly, Pinkie, I said I just had to go to the bathroom and then we could get rolling! I didn't expect you to jump in my chair and start doing my show without me!" Pinkie grins. "And that is why this is ironic," she says. "You see, this violation of expectations caused by the persona I've adopted is actually due to the fact that I have played a prank on you, the Spirit of Chaos, and stolen your role while you were indisposed! By the way, why exactly were you in the bathroom for forty-five minutes?" Discord scowls. "Oh, go play in traffic!" He taps her with his talon again, and she turns gray, her monocle and mustache vanishing. Her hair, however, remains poofy. "Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie hops off. Back to Rainbow Dash. "Discord! Lemme out of here or when I get out I'll kick you so hard your momma will feel it in her tummy!" "I was laid in an egg," Discord retorts. He turns his chair so instead of being in front of the fireplace, he is now in front of a window. Discord sits down. "And that's all we have to say about irony this time, folks," he says. Behind him, through the window, we see Pinkie Pie cheerfully hopping over cars on a crowded city street, as ponies lean out their windows to shake their hooves at her and shout. "Tune in next time, when we discuss randomness!" *fwwwt* What Could Go Wrong Part the Third: Once More With FeelingAll of the Mane 6, plus Spike and Starlight Glimmer, clustered around Twilight as she got ready to cast her new spell. "I don’t know," Starlight said. "Have we really taken enough precautions?" "No," Spike said. "No, we really haven’t." "Sure we have," Twilight said. "Look, all our friends are here to watch me cast the new spell. What could go wrong?" "I don't know about this," Spike moaned. Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell. There was a flash of light, briefly, within the group. "Well?" Starlight asked eagerly. "Did it work?" "I... can’t tell." Twilight looked around. "Did anyone see what just happened?" "I was looking!" Rainbow Dash said quickly. "I totally wasn’t falling asleep because of how incredibly boring this is or anything!" "I didn’t see nothin’, sugarcube," Applejack said. "What was supposed to happen?" "Uh-oh, guys," Pinkie said. "We might wanna look at our flanks..." All the ponies turned their heads to look. Every one of them except for Twilight had had her cutie mark replaced with a picture of a neatly folded pile of laundry. "YES!" Starlight shouted. "At last, my plan has come to fruition! All these months of pretending to be your friendship student have paid off! Now that you’ve perfected the spell, I will replace every cutie mark in Equestria for a cutie mark in folding laundry! Hahahaha!" "Before you do that, how about this?" Spike said, and lugged out an improbably large pile of laundry in baskets. "This is all of Rarity’s clothes that I ran through the wash for her. Maybe before you go take over Equestria, you could fold it?" "Uh... yeah, I guess I could do that," Starlight said. "Folding some laundry seems really appealing right now." "I’ll help! Folding laundry sounds like superduperriffic fun!" "Yeah, folding laundry sounds awesome!" Fluttershy mumbled, "I’d like to help fold some laundry..." "Oh, all my beautiful clothes are so clean and they smell so nice!" Rarity enthused, holding the laundry up to her face. "Thank you so much, Spike! I’ll really enjoy folding these!" "Seems like more fun than even apple buckin’," Applejack admitted. Twilight looked around at her friends. "Spike?" "Yeah?" "Make me a checklist, and the first thing on the checklist should be 'never say "what could go wrong?"’" "What’re we gonna do about your friends? And, uh, Starlight?" "Starlight’s still my friend. Just because she’s secretly been working to force me to create a spell that could give all of Equestria the same cutie mark and thus betraying the entire purpose of friendship and reverting to her evil ways doesn’t mean she’s not still my friend. I mean, Discord was still my friend after he betrayed us to Tirek, and he didn’t have a really tragic story about how cutie marks ruined his life." Twilight sighed. "I guess I’ll have to reverse the spell. But first, don’t we have some laundry that needs folding?" "I’ll go get it," Spike said. *fwwwt* Scootaloo glanced over at Discord. "What is that weird crystally purple room they’re all in? And that big map they’re all sitting around? And who’s that unicorn who was going on about taking away everypony’s cutie marks?" "Whoops," Discord. "Spoilers!" He shrugs. "Oh well, too late now." *fwwwt* Author's Note I actually started writing this before the ending of Season 4, so most of Robot Scootaloo "takes place" during Seasons 3 and 4, inasmuch as any of them can be said to take place at any time. This is the only one that is clearly set in a later season. I wasn't originally planning this one, but come on, Starlight Glimmer needs to be made fun of. :-) To Serve Cupcakes"Let me just get this cake frosted, and then we can go!" Pinkie said to Rainbow Dash. "Awesome," Rainbow said. "I’ve got all the whoopee cushions we ought to need!" She was looking forward to a day of pranking ponies with Pinkie. But right now, she was very, very bored. It was taking Pinkie forever to frost that cake. Desperate to find something that could distract her for a few minutes from how bored she was, Rainbow looked all around the bakery kitchen. Funny. There was a door there. She’d never noticed a door before. While Pinkie was entirely occupied with frosting a cake, Rainbow flapped over to the door and pulled it open. It was a flight of stairs down to a basement. "Wonder what’s down here," she murmured to herself. Weird that Pinkie had never told any of her friends about this. Maybe it was just the laundry room or something. At the bottom of the stairs, Rainbow flicked on the light. There was a metal table, with four straps hanging from it near each corner, and on the table there was a small pile of books. Also, a tray with scalpels and all kinds of instruments that Rainbow didn’t recognize except that they would have been a lot more appropriate for a hospital than a baker’s basement. The entire room oozed creepiness. Rainbow picked up the first book in the pile. It was covered with caked-on batter, but she was easily able to tell that the title was Making Ponies Cupcakes. Suddenly terrified, Rainbow flew upstairs. Pinkie was just finishing. "Okie dokie lokie! I’m all set!" "Yeah? What’s this?" Rainbow shoved the book in Pinkie’s face, and drew it back too fast for Pinkie to grab it. "It’s a cookbook," Pinkie said. "I have lots of them. Because I’m a baker, you know, so I kinda need to have cookbooks." "Yeah, but this one is about turning ponies into cupcakes!" "Really?" Pinkie’s eyes went wide. "Where does it say that?" "Oh, don’t play innocent," Rainbow Dash said. "I’m taking this to Twilight!" She zoomed off. Pinkie followed her at top bouncing speed. Twilight was less sympathetic than Rainbow had hoped. "Rainbow, Making Ponies Cupcakes doesn’t necessarily mean making ponies into cupcakes. It could mean making cupcakes for ponies. The Equestrian language is ambiguous like that. Why did you think Pinkie would be making ponies into cupcakes?" "Uh... because her basement is really creepy?" "Have you ever tried to frost a cake with fondant icing to look like a train? Or a bunny rabbit? Have you?" Pinkie demanded. "Working with that stuff is like sculpting. I need a lot of precision tools, and an environment where none of the other stuff I’m baking is going to get into the cake while I’m trying to sculpt it!" "Rainbow, that seems like a perfectly rational explanation to me," Twilight said. "I don’t even know why you would think our friend would want to make ponies into cupcakes." "Uh..." Suddenly realizing that the cake batter was covering a word, Rainbow knocked some of it off the cover. Now the title clearly said Making Ponies into Cupcakes. "Because of this!" Dun dun DUNN! Twilight’s eyebrows went up. "That... does look pretty bad," she admitted. "Pinkie? You want to explain this?" Pinkie giggled nervously. "Um... yeah! There’s a simple explanation for it!" There was a pause. "I’m waiting," Twilight said. "For what?" "For your simple explanation." "Oh! Right! Well, it’s like this, see—" Pinkie took the book back. "Rainbow didn’t get all the fondant off the cover! That stuff is like glue!" She pushed another blob off the cover. Now it said Making Ponies Pinto Cupcakes. Dun dun DUNN! Twilight looked up. "Do you mind? I’m trying to conduct a serious investigation here, and I really don’t need the suspense riffs." Sorry. "Pinto cupcakes?" Rainbow asked, still skeptical. "Yeah! Where we put pinto designs on the cupcake frosting! It’s especially useful if it’s a birthday party and the birthday colt or filly wants cupcakes that look like them! It’s easy to do most pony colors, but pinto is hard, so I needed a book!" "Well, that seems to settle it," Twilight said. "Rainbow, can you try not to let your imagination run away with you?" "I guess," Rainbow said. "Sorry, Pinkie." "It’s okay! I jump to silly conclusions all the time! The other day I was going to get in my gyrocopter and go yell at you that you shouldn’t feed Scootaloo to the machine that makes the rainbows or else who’s gonna watch this fanfic?" Rainbow blinked. "What?" "But then I realized that that was dumb and I was being paranoid again! But if you had been right there I totally would have yelled at you! So it’s all right!" "So no hard feelings?" "Nope! Just squishy feelings!" Pinkie hugged Rainbow. "Let me just put my book away and then we can go prank some ponies!" "Okay, sounds good." Pinkie bounced down the stairs to the basement and set the book down. It was a good thing the fondant icing on the cover made it look like the word Pony had an ies at the end instead of a y, Pinkie thought, as she set her book down next to Making Zebra Pastries and Making Griffin Scones. She used her hoof to scrape the icing off, revealing the title to be Making Pony Pinto Cupcakes. "Now, where did I put the first volume of Making Pony Cupcakes?" she murmured to herself. "Oh, right." She picked up all the books from the table and dumped them into a box labeled "Issues of Rocks Quarterly from Maud." Rainbow was never going to look in there. Then she skipped up the steps. Time to go prank ponies! Making them into cupcakes was only for special occasions. *fwwwt* Author's Note Why yes. Yes, this is more or less the same joke as the one in the Simpsons Halloween special all those years ago. Though I had to really work to make it compatible with ponies and cupcakes. Chicken LooCyborg Scootaloo looked over at Discord with a frown on her face. "The one about the cupcakes was the first one that even mentioned me. How come none of these stories are about me?" "Because you’re the one watching them, of course," Discord said. "How can you be in the audience and also in the story?" "You’re in, like, six of them," Scootaloo retorted. "Seven if we count the running joke about the laundry cutie mark, and eight if we count the one about you turning me into a robot." "Cyborg." "Robot sounds cooler. Anyway, you’re watching them too, so if you can be in six or seven or eight of them, I can be in one or two." "Oh, all right," Discord said, and changed the channel. *fwwwt* Chicken Loo Chicken Loo, what’s the matter with you You don’t act like the other chickens do You wear a disguise to hide from pony eyes But you’re not a foal, you’re a chicken, Loo The Cutie Mark Crusaders! Three little fillies banded together on an endless quest to discover who they are and earn their cutie marks! APPLE BLOOM, a yellow earth pony with a big pink bow in her red mane, says, "Well, transcendental yoga was a complete waste of time. What’s next on the list?" SWEETIE BELLE, a white unicorn with a pale purple mane, reads from a list. "This says we haven’t tried volunteering at a foal care center. Do we want to try that one?" SCOOTALOO, a giant orange hen with a purple crest and a picture of a pony face taped to her beak, nods eagerly. And so the three friends traipse over to "Foal Me Once", the Ponyville day care center for foals below school age. Miss Merrie Mac (no relation to Apple Bloom or her big brother), the day care center director, a pony all dressed in black with silver buttons, buttons, buttons all down her back, back, back— Discord smacked the projector with his tail, hard, and it stopped stuttering. --gets the fillies (and the hen) situated taking care of the tiny foals. Most of the foals are enjoying playing with their new babysitters, but one, a little earth colt named Uncomfortable Truth, does not. "That’s not a pegasus! She’s a giant chicken!" he complains when Scootaloo tries to get him to play kickball. "Now don’t be silly," Miss Merrie Mac says. "Scootaloo was nice enough to come here to play with you." "But she’s a giant chicken! She’ll peck my eyes out!" The other foals laugh, because they think Uncomfortable Truth is telling a joke. He stomps his hoof in frustration. "I’m telling you she’s a giant chicken!" Suddenly, a gust of wind blows the picture of a pony off Scootaloo’s beak, revealing that she is, in fact – "A GIANT CHICKEN!" Uncomfortable Truth screams. "I told you so! She’s gonna peck our eyes out!" "Don’t be ridiculous," Apple Bloom says. "Why would Scootaloo want to peck your eyes out?" Sweetie Belle says, "Just because she’s a giant chicken doesn’t mean Scootaloo isn’t a great friend! You’re really hurting her feelings by saying she’s going to peck your eyes out!" Scootaloo nods. "She just wants to get her cutie mark, the same as we do," Apple Bloom says. Then they all dance and sing a song about accepting your friends even if they are giant chickens. In the middle of the song, Philomena the phoenix shows up and pecks Uncomfortable Truth’s eyes out, but no one notices because they’re too busy singing. *fwwwt* You Didn’t See ThatI was sitting in my armchair, working on my laptop on yet another stupid tiny change the customer wanted made to their site, when I was startled by a very familiar voice close by. I looked up, and Discord was sitting there in my library. "My, my." He looked around at the various stacked boxes on top of furniture, the piles of papers heaped on every available flat surface, and the baskets of laundry everywhere. "For an amateur, you’ve managed to pull off some really nice chaos here." "Uh... thanks?" I decided not to tell him it wasn’t intentional. "I’m dreaming, right? Any minute now my dead mother will walk in and tell me to clean this room." "Not at all." He stood up. I knew Discord was tall, I even knew how tall, but I’d never really grasped how tall that tallness was. He had to bend his head to fit in the room without hitting the ceiling. Of course, on the show he does that all the time. "How would you like to travel to Equestria?" "Is this one of those things where I have to turn into a pony? Because I like being human. I really don’t want to be a pony. Besides, why would you pick me?" I gestured at myself. "I’m an overweight middle-aged human woman whose hair isn’t even red anymore unless I dye it back to its old color. Don’t you usually grab bronies in their 20s or really attractive Mary-Sue-type young women?" Discord sighed deeply. "I don’t need someone who wants to go to Equestria to romance ponies, and I don’t need someone who thinks chaos is LOL SO RANDOM. To be quite frank, I need a Twilight Sparkle, but one affiliated with chaos, not order. And in your dull, boring, magicless world, young prodigies like Twilight are rare. It’s easier to find someone intelligent and educated enough to match up against Twilight if I look at older people." "My brother’s as bright as I am and a lot more chaotic." "No, no, your brother’s a nihilist anarchist. I need someone who loves chaos because they love life and the world and the things in it, not someone who routinely questions why he ever bothered to get born." He smirked at me. "Besides, I know from your fanfic that you’re one of my biggest fans. That certainly doesn’t hurt." I blushed. Then something he’d said earlier sank in. "You’re talking as if you want me to fight Twilight. Are you reformed Discord or villain Discord?" "You heard my voice actor." He grinned. "I’m always going to be both, on some level. I do enjoy having Twilight as a friend rather than an enemy... but I need to have someone who can explain to her, with some authority, why it’s a good thing for Equestria that I occasionally unleash some harmless havoc." Considering how much I hate my job, I was convinced. Of course there wasn’t going to be Internet in Equestria and I was going to have a hard time writing fanfic, but maybe I could go back to original fiction and see if I could tell some stories that ponies would like. "Okay," I said, "you’ve Scootaloo and Discord were both startled as an overweight middle-aged woman with mostly brown hair that turned red in bright light ran into the room. "You didn’t see that!" she shouted at them. "I am a serious writer and I don’t believe in self insertions!" She grabbed the fanfic before Scootaloo could finish reading it and ran off with it. "This never happened! I was never here!" Discord looked at Scootaloo. Scootaloo looked at Discord. Both of them shrugged. *fwwwt* Author's Note Everything in this chapter is absolutely true. Who Can Be The Biggest Woobie?Flash Sentry, dressed in a smart suit and tie, grins broadly at the studio audience. "Hello everypony! It’s time to play everyone’s favorite game show, Who Can Be the Biggest Woobie?" The audience explodes into hoofstomps. Flash gestures with one leg at the first contestant. "Over here we have Nightmare Moon! The evil version of everyone’s favorite princess, Luna!" "We are not evil! We are misunderstood!" Nightmare Moon shouts. "Yes, of course you are. And here we have Discord, Master of Chaos!" Discord struts into the room wearing black leather pants, which somehow seems a bit lewd as it draws attention to the fact that he’s not wearing anything on top, despite the fact that normally he doesn’t wear anything at all. "It’s a pleasure to be here," he says, bowing to the audience, and completely ignoring Flash. "Our next contestant just wants your love! All of it. Give it up for Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!" More hoofstomping, mostly from the back row. Flash looks out over the audience. "Oh, come on, Chrys, you can’t stack the deck like that. You! Changelings! In the back row! Sorry, but only citizens of Equestria get to be in the studio audience!" A few of Flash’s friends from the Royal Guard, wearing no armor because they’re off duty, escort the changelings in the back row out. Chrysalis scowls. "You can call me Your Majesty. Not 'Chrys.’" "Okay, Chryssie. And last but not least, the Dark Lord of Fear, King Sombra!" Dark shadows flow onto the set and coalesce into the figure of a dark grey pony with a black mane and royal regalia. "Slaves," Sombra hisses at the audience. "You will vote for me." "Now, no trying to intimidate the audience. Remember, this isn’t Who Is The Most Terrifying Villain, heh heh. On this show, villains show their vulnerable side." Flash looks out at the audience. "The rules are really simple! Each of our contestants will tell their villain story. Why did they become a villain? What personal anguish drove them into the arms of evil?" "Chaos," Discord said. "I never went into the arms of evil. Just chaos." "Evil or chaos, right. At the end, you, the audience, get to vote. Which one of these villains is more justified in their villainy? Who is the most likely to be a poor, misunderstood creature, sad and hurting inside, who only ever really needed a sympathetic ear? Who—" a dramatic drum roll echoed through the set. –"can be, the Biggest! Woobie!" The audience goes wild with hoofstomps. Chrysalis looks at the other villains. "Remind me why I decided to participate in this idiocy again?" "The prize..." Sombra hissed. "That’s right!" Flash says. "The prize is one week to indulge in your villainy! Or to take solace in the embrace of a sympathetic pony, if that’s what you prefer. Or both! Once you’ve proven yourself to be the Biggest Woobie, ponies will be falling all over themselves to justify every bad thing you did and sympathize with you completely!" "And admit that I am the superior princess to my sister, and revel in the beauty of my night," Nightmare Moon says. "Yes, that too." Flash attempts to lift into the air, realizes that his suit is impeding his wings, and stops flapping them. "Now, just to mix things up a bit, we’re going to go in reverse chronological order. So let’s start with you, King Sombra! Why are you a villain?" "My kind, the Umbrum, left me with the Crystal Ponies as a foal," Sombra says, hissing the words, with reverberations. "All alone, an orphan, charged with a task that a lesser pony might have seen as insurmountable. It is my destiny to free the Umbrum from where they are imprisoned, deep beneath the earth." "Okay! Now tell us why we should sympathize with you! You want to release evil shadow ponies who are imprisoned underground to take over the Crystal Empire?" "The Umbrum are not evil!" Sombra shouts, forgetting to hiss. "We are as capable of either good or evil as any pony. But we are creatures of shadow. Light destroys and burns. The Crystal Empire was to be our homeland... we and we alone are the true Crystal Ponies. We are made of crystalline magic." "Doesn’t the name 'shadow pony’ imply that you’re evil, though? I mean you use dark magic." Nightmare Moon glares. "This is exactly the sort of luxism that I have come to expect from ponies! As if darkness can only represent evil, and only light can represent goodness!" "That’s a great speech, Princess, but do keep in mind you’re helping your opponent here," Flash reminds her. "Oh. Right." Nightmare Moon shuts up. "But she is right," Sombra growls. "I was an innocent foal, a child no more tainted with good nor evil than any other, but every year during the celebration of the Crystal Heart, I endured agony. While other foals were all about, playing and enjoying their celebration, I was confined to a bed, unable to eat, or read, or sleep, or do anything except contemplate the terrible pain I was suffering. And then I learned from our beloved Princess, Amore—" He spits. "Your Majesty, that’s really unsanitary, and unsightly besides. Try to avoid doing that if you want to win ponies over." "I apologize for my crudeness," Sombra says. "But her very name disgusts me, even now. She knew. She knew my kind were trapped below the surface, imprisoned there by the Crystal Heart. She knew what I was. She knew why I suffered every year during the celebration. And she did nothing! I stood before her, an example of how Umbrum ponies can be wholly innocent, but still she persisted in the belief that because the Crystal Heart harms us, we are by necessity evil. And so my people – the mother and father I have never seen, the brothers and sisters I may have, any of my kind – are trapped in their crystal forms, imprisoned by ponies. So I took over the Crystal Empire! I enslaved ponies to force them to dig my race free! It was fitting, as it was their ancestors who trapped the Umbrum there! Would not any of you have done the same, if it were your family wrongly imprisoned?" He sweeps his hoof out to the audience. Many ponies in the audience are crying in sympathy. Discord is dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief. "I’m not crying! I’ve just got little bits of black crystal dust in my eye!" "That’s an amazing story," Flash says. "Really hits you in the heart. Our other contestants are going to have to work hard to top that one!" He turns to Chrysalis. "Queen Chrysalis. What’s your story?" "Sombra speaks of family trapped underground, that he’s never known," Chrysalis says. "But Sombra has no foals of his own. He has no idea what it’s like to be a parent, watching your children starve." She looks out at the audience. "Every one of my changelings is my child! Other villains may have minions, or servants. I have my own sweet changeling foals. It’s my responsibility to make sure they are well fed with love... but ponies are stingy with their love. Ponies won’t love us in our true forms; they call us horrible names. Bugs. Cheeselegs. Cockroaches." "Cockroaches is fitting," Nightmare Moon says. "You’ll get your turn, Princess. Please be quiet while the other contestants tell their stories," Flash says. "So how, exactly, does invading Equestria get you love?" "Ponies in a Changeling cocoon aren’t harmed," Chrysalis says defensively. "They dream within, even with their eyes open, that they’re with the ones they most love. A beautiful dream of idyllic times with their loved ones, in exchange for providing food to my starving children. How is that such a terrible thing to do?" "Sure, but did you try asking for love?" "Does that work if you try it?" Chrysalis retorts. "Oh, I know what love you feel, Flash Sentry. Have you ever thought of going up to Twilight Sparkle and simply saying 'please love me?’ Do you think that could possibly work?" "Uh, actually, Princess Twilight is cute and all but I’m certainly not in love with her..." "DON’T CONTRADICT ME! I’m a Changeling! Of course I know what love you hold in your heart! You love Twilight Sparkle! Everyone says so!" "Okay, but... I actually don’t? Anyway this isn’t about me! Fellow ponies, first we’ve heard from a pony whose entire family, entire race, is imprisoned, who was just trying to rescue them! Now we’ve heard from a mother who’ll take desperate measures to feed her children! Can you decide between them? I sure can’t!" "Ahem," Discord says. He is suddenly looming over Flash Sentry. "I do believe it’s not time to judge any villain’s story just yet. Not until we’ve all taken a turn." "You’re absolutely right! So Discord, if you can just get back to your podium, and start telling us your story! Why did you become a villain?" "I was trapped in stone, for more than a thousand years," Discord says. "Sombra goes on and on about how his people are trapped as crystals. Well, in my case, I was the one who had to suffer through being imprisoned as a statue! More than a thousand years, unable to see, or smell, or feel, or move. More than a thousand years of being able to hear ponies, but never being able to speak to them. Can any of you imagine how lonely and horrible that was?" "I can," Nightmare Moon says. "Oh, you could at least see. Even if there was nothing to see but the surface of the moon. I’d have given my left toe to see the moon!" "Your left foot is the goat hoof. You don’t even have a toe." "Princess, I’m going to have to ask you to not interrupt during Discord’s story," Flash says. "So go on. You were trapped in a horrible imprisonment." "And for what?" Discord asks, impassioned. "A little chaos? Making fish swim through the air? Making cotton candy clouds rain chocolate milk? A little bit of world redecoration here and there? How does anything I did justify turning me to stone for more than a thousand years?" Nightmare Moon is visibly struggling with the urge to say something. "Is a little chaos really so terrible?" "So you’ve been through some really painful hardships," Flash says. "But what made you turn to villainy in the first place? Why did you decide to take over Equestria and plunge it into chaos?" Discord shrugs. "I like chaos." He doesn’t elaborate. Flash stares at him. "That’s it? You like chaos?" "I really really really like chaos." "Ok, but Sombra was trying to free his race, including his parents. And Chrysalis is trying to feed her starving children. You... didn’t have anything driving you to make chaos? Maybe ponies taunting you for not being a pony? Maybe Princess Celestia turned you down for a date? Maybe you were feeling lonely and rejected because ponies don’t like chaos and wouldn’t let you be friends with them? Or maybe ponies called you a monster and tried to kill you?" Discord shrugs again. "No, nothing like that. I just like chaos." He looks out at the audience. "But don’t forget, I was turned to stone! And left that way in a garden! Where birds could poop on my head!" "Okay then." Flash shakes his head disbelievingly. "Let’s go to our last contestant. Nightmare Moon! Tell us the story of how you transformed from Princess Luna into the mare you are today." Nightmare Moon points her hoof at Discord. "Yes, but can I just point out how absolutely biased and nonsensical Discord’s explanation of his history is?" "Princess..." "Because it’s my turn to speak now, and that miscreant is claiming that he did nothing harmful! Ponies lived in terror of the constant changes he’d make!" "Princess..." "He once cast a spell to make every door a random teleport gateway, and scattered families and friends across all of Equestria, separating ponies who thought to live together forever, such that they never saw their loved ones again!" "Oh, that was a good one," Discord says, reminiscing fondly. "The chaos I got from that one simple spell..." "And he’s not even remorseful in the slightest!" "PRINCESS!" Flash shouts to get her attention. "This is your turn to talk about yourself. Not about your opinions of Discord." Discord sticks out his tongue at her and waggles it. Nightmare Moon looks as if she’s going to try to blast him, but then sighs. "Of course. He is beneath Our notice. We will tell you the story." She looks out at the audience. "It was Celestia’s duty to bring the day, and rule over it; mine to bring the night, and the moon. But ponies don’t appreciate the night. Or the moon. None came to my court to petition me for a redress of wrongs; they went to Celestia. None sought audience with me; all they cared for was currying favor with Celestia. In my own court, I might as well have been invisible. At night, ponies closed their doors and barred their windows, and slept. None of them even looked at the stars I placed in the night sky!" "That does sound bad," Flash says. "But ponies are creatures that sleep at night. Can you really blame them?" "YES! They could have held revels at night under the moon, instead of in closed buildings lit by mage-lights and candles. But they didn’t care! Worse, they feared the darkness! Just as Sombra said earlier, ponies thought that light meant goodness and dark meant only evil, and they hid themselves away from the beauty I created, warding themselves from evil, as if evil cannot walk under daylight! As if corrupt nobles who sought to deceive my sister and win favors for themselves over the peasants they ruled did not make their plans, and carry them out, during daylight! I spoke to Celestia... but she thought this the natural order of things. She would do nothing, nothing, to ensure my fair share of the honors due us both. And when we spoke together in council, oftentimes she overruled me! As if I were the little, foalish sister who knows nothing of the serious business of governing a nation!" Nightmare Moon is trembling with her fury. "They say I was jealous. When your birthright is stolen from you, when you are ignored and treated as if you are of no import and the person who supposedly loves you plainly loves their own glory more, is it jealousy to see the unfairness, to want to snatch your rightful due back? Or is it righteous rage?" "Wow. That is certainly a story. The worst I ever got into with my sister was whether she remembered to put the lid back on the toothpaste!" Flash chuckles. "And then. And then, for the crime of wanting what I should be rights have been granted, she banished me to the moon for a thousand years!" Nightmare Moon cries. "Discord whines about his imprisonment, but as much of a hardship as it must have been for him to be unable to talk—" The audience laughs. Nightmare Moon smirks. "—he could at least hear ponies. He may have been lonely, but he was not alone. I had no company at all but my own, for a thousand years! Nothing to do but look into the sky and see the birthright that was taken from me!" "That’s a really tragic story," Flash says. "And then!" "NOW it’s time to vote!" Flash says, very loudly, before Nightmare Moon can start ranting again. "Who’s it going to be, fillies and gentlecolts? Who has the saddest, most relatable story? The princess betrayed by her subjects and her own sister?" He gestures at Nightmare Moon. "The queen whose subjects are her children, who only wanted to feed them like a mother should? The king who did everything to free his imprisoned race? Or..." Flash makes a face. "The guy who really liked chaos?" "That’s a rather biased way of putting it," Discord complains. "Hey, buddy, those are your own words. So! Everypony’s got a ballot! Mark off who you think is the Biggest Woobie, and put it in the basket that’s being passed around! In just a few minutes, we’ll know which villain is the most sympathetic!" Music plays in the background as the ballots are collected. Finally the result is presented to Flash in an envelope. "Let’s see who’s got the saddest story, ponies! Who’s it going to be? The King? The Queen? The Princess?" He pulls out the slip and stares at it. Then he stares at it some more. Then he turns to the pony who brought him the envelope. "Are we sure this is the correct result?" "They recounted the votes three times. It wasn’t a small margin, either." Flash sighs deeply. "Well then. The winner of the Who Can Be The Biggest Woobie... the most sympathetic villain, according to our audience... is... Discord, Master of Chaos!" The audience starts stomping their hooves wildly. Discord teleports to the edge of the set. "Thank you! Thank you! I love you all! You’re a great audience!" "What?" Nightmare Moon asks. "How can that be?" "What precautions were taken to keep him from cheating?" Sombra growls. "Yes, this must be cheating," Chrysalis says. "I’m a mother feeding her children! His only excuse was that he just likes chaos!" "Oh, but you’re all forgetting something," Discord says, turning back to his fellow villains. He waggles his hips, strutting and turning so they can see every part of his lower body encased in tight black leather. "I was destined to win from the beginning. None of you had any hope, not against my surefire strategy." "What would that be?" Nightmare Moon snarls. "You had nothing to recommend you! All of us had sadder stories than yours, and the imprisonment you suffered was akin to my own! There’s no reason anyone should be more sympathetic to you than to the rest of us!" "Oh yes there is," Discord says, smirking. He turns and bows to the audience again, which has the side effect of waggling his butt and his tail in his opponents’ faces. Over his shoulder he turns back to them. "I am the Draconequus in Leather Pants." Sombra simply looks confused. Chrysalis facehoofs. Nightmare Moon turns distinctly purple. "This is outrageous! We pour out our hearts, expose our vulnerable side, only to lose because of a bad joke about a TV Trope?" Discord continues to strut around the stage, drinking in the approval of his audience, taunting his opponents, and showing off his prizewinning leather pants. The other villains continue to shout at him. As they bicker, Flash Sentry loses his psychotically huge smile, walks toward the window on the side of the soundstage, and with a running start and a flap or two of not-fully-restrained wings, flings himself through the window. One of the camera ponies runs to the window. "Flash! You okay out there?" "I’m all right," we hear him groan. "I forgot we were on the first floor." "Uh... but considering you can’t really fly with that suit on, isn’t that a good thing?" "No," Flash moans. *fwwwt* Author's Note This one almost got serious. Almost. Show of hands: Who knew Discord was going to win as soon as his pants were described? I'm using the comic book history for Sombra because it does kind of make him a woobie. Or at least slightly sympathetic. I do not ship FlashLight. I also have nothing against Flash Sentry, either version. I just don't think the pony version has any real connection to Twilight whatsoever. He's smiled at her, like, twice. That's not a grand romance. Bok Bok Bok~~Cyborg~~ Robot Scootaloo stands on stage, dressed in purple leg warmers on all four knees, and a yellow, purple and bright red outfit made of highly reflective vinyl on her torso, with sharp, spiked, almost knifelike protrusions from her withers. The main body of her outfit is purple; the yellow serves as piping and as large lightning bolt designs in the center and on the wither pads, with a bright red thread running down the center of the lightning bolt on her front. Her mane has been moussed to stand up straight from her head in spikes. She is standing on her hind legs, and she holds an electric guitar that frankly looks more like a weapon of some sort, the rounded curves one would normally find on a guitar replaced with jagged points. It is bright neon green and orange. There are several spotlights shining on her. In back of her, a pink fog that smells of chocolate is lit up eerily by multiple colored spotlights, making the draconequus on the pipe organ loom as an unworldly shadow. "Do I really have to sing this?" Scootaloo complains to the looming, shadowy draconequus. "I’m so tired of the chicken jokes." "It’s the ending credits theme, of course you have to sing it that way. If you want to punch it up some though, I wouldn’t object." "Okay then." Scootaloo strums the first note on her electric guitar. Badly. It actually sounds more like a cross between a guitar and a violin, amped up to 12 on a scale of 1 to 10, with a decided screech to it. The pipe organ begins to play. On the most technical of levels, the two instruments are playing the same song. Technically. Then Scootaloo begins to sing, at the top of her lungs, while thrashing her head as if she’s in a mosh pit. "Bok bok BOK!! Bu-bok bok BOK!!!!! Bok bok BOKKA BOKKA bok bok bok" The guitar screeches. The pipe organ plays ominously. "BOK bok BOK!!!! Bu-BOK BOK BOK!!!!! BOK BOK BOKKA BOKKA bok bok bok" Scootaloo riffs on the guitar. It... sounds as if maybe she’s trying to play a different song. "I DON’T NEED YOUR CHICKEN JOKES I HEAR THEM ALL THE TIME FROM FOLKS THEY’RE SO OVERDONE I FEEL LIKE I COULD CHOKE I DON’T NEED YOUR CHICKEN JOKES" Another, lengthier guitar riff that sounds rather as if three tomcats fighting over the same female all crawled into a clothes dryer to fight each other and then the dryer was turned on. The pipe organ plays dramatically, if not exactly in anything resembling harmony with the guitar. There are now three giant chickens with microphones behind her, singing backup. Scootaloo screams into her microphone. "BOK bok BOK!!!! Bu-BOK BOK BOK!!!!! B-BOK BOK BOKKA BOKKA bok bok bok" Finally, with a screech from the guitar, Scootaloo shrieks a final "BOK!!!!" into the mike. All the notes on the pipe organ slam together at once. Discord’s voice is heard, singing one singular "Bok". The curtain falls. Author's Note Robot Chicken End Theme The riff Scootaloo does on chicken jokes is a parody of "Civil War" by Guns 'n Roses. The Other Kind of Griffins In EquestriaA small white colt with no mane, wearing a red shirt, appears without warning on the outskirts of Ponyville, holding a strange box. The colt looks around himself. "Hmm. A nice enough place, it seems… but somehow I've turned into a horse in this dimension!" A booming male voice says, "Actually, I think that's a pony." The colt looks around himself. "Brian? Brian, is that you? Brian, where are you?" "Stewie. Look up," Brian says. Stewie looks up… and up… and up… tracking the enormous form of the gigantic white dragon that his friend has transformed into. "Hey, Stewie. How about giving me that box? This place seems kind of cool!" "No," says Stewie, and presses the button. The colt and the dragon vanish. fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Family Guy: Road to the Multiverse (the link kind of sucks, it's a camera copy, but it's the best reference I could find.) Also references Twilight becoming a human and Spike becoming a dog in Equestra Girls. Luna the LUMBERJACKPrincess Luna, in full regalia, strides out onto a stage, followed by the Mane 6. Luna cries out in an impassioned voice, "We never truly wished to be Princess of the Night! We wished to be... A LUMBERJACK!" Cue the music! LUNA (sings): I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay I work all night and I sleep all day MANE 6 (sings): She's a lumberjack and she's okay She works all night and she sleeps all day LUNA (sings): I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavat'ry On Wednesdays I go to Ponyville And party with Pinkie MANE 6 (sings): She cuts down trees, she eats 'er lunch She goes to the lavat'ry On Wednesdays she goes to Ponyville And parties with Pinkie PINKIE (jumps out of the group and directly into the camera for a moment): That's me! (LUNA)/MANE 6 (sings): (I'm) She's a lumberjack and (I'm) she's okay (I work) She works all night and (I sleep) she sleeps all day! LUNA (sings): I cut down trees, I fly loop-de-loops I lie back and gaze at stars I dress up in tarty clothing And hang around in bars MANE 6 (sings): She cuts down trees, she flies in loops she lays back to gaze at stars She.. dresses in tarty clothing And hangs around in bars?? (LOOKING AT EACH OTHER IN PUZZLEMENT) (LUNA)/MANE 6 (RECOVERING, SINGING CHEERFULLY): (I'm) She's a lumberjack and (I'm) she's okay (I work) She works all night and (I sleep) she sleeps all day! LUNA (sings): I cut down trees I wear short skirts Socks and underwear I wish I'd been a human With tits way out to there (GESTURES WITH HOOVES) MANE 6 (sings): She's a lumberjack... what? (NO LONGER SINGING) RAINBOW: Did she just actually say "tits"? FLUTTERSHY: Oh dear... RARITY: Socks and underwear? (FAINTS) APPLEJACK: Oh hayll no! (STOMPS OFF STAGE) TWILIGHT (horrified): Oh, Princess! I thought you were so innocent! (RUNS AWAY CRYING) (Pan to side, where we see DISCORD, leering, running a camera.) DISCORD (GLEEFULLY): Luna! Do go on! CELESTIA (HITS DISCORD ON HEAD WITH FRYING PAN): No one leers at my sister! Even if she is a tart! DISCORD (DIZZILY): Blueberry or blackberry? (FALLS OVER) fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song. Apple Bloom Can Change“Ah am tired of your irresponsibility, young filly!” Applejack shouted at her sister. “You took our cart for market day and tried ta turn it into some kinda Ah don’t even know what—" “We were hoping to get cutie marks in building parade floats!” Apple Bloom protested. “We didn’t mean for the cart to get all smashed up!” “You fillies ruined all of Rarity’s perfumes—" “Um, yeah. Cutie Mark Crusaders Perfume Mixers didn’t work out real well, I admit—" “You nearly burned down Sugarcube Corner—" “But Pinkie Pie said it was ok for us to try to get our cutie marks in baking!” “She didn’t say it was okay to try to bake explosives into the cupcakes!” “It was just fireworks…” “Ah have had it up to here with your shenanigans, young missy! Over and over again you and your friends near-on wreck Ponyville, and all you ever have to say for yourself is ‘Ah’m sorry, sis, we were jest tryin’ ta get our cutie marks!' Well, you don’t get to wreck everypony else’s life jest because you want ta get yer cutie marks, ya understand?” “I—I understand, sis.” Apple Bloom tried not to cry, not too successfully. “Ah don’t even know why Ah bother. We have this argument again and again and you never change yer ways. Ah’m beginning to think you can’t change, Apple Bloom.” “I can! I can so!” Apple Bloom wiped her hoof across her face, blotting away the tears. “Give me a chance, sis! Let me show you how I can change!” “Oh, this had better be good,” Applejack said. A strange sound filled the air. The sound of whirring gears and clanking motors. Before Applejack’s horrified eyes, the small pony in front of her morphed, transforming with the sound of clanging metal into a tall bipedal robot. “See! I can change!” the Apple Bloom robot pleaded. “Oh, Ah am so outta here,” Applejack muttered, and stormed off. Apple Bloom called after her sister, pleadingly, “I can turn into a boombox as well!” fwwwt Author's Note No direct relationship to any stories I've seen on Fimfiction; this parody references a skit from the Mr. Hell Show, and the general fan consensus that Apple Bloom has a taste for engineering. Fluttershy and Discord Take Over EquestriaFluttershy and Discord Take Over Equestria "Fluttershy, I'm so bored," Discord whined, hanging upside down from Fluttershy's ceiling with a teacup in hand. "Nopony ever lets me do anything fun!" "Um, well, there was something I was thinking we might do together?" Fluttershy murmured. "Only if you'd like to, of course." Discord righted himself and poofed into a chair. "You have an idea? Let me guess, figure skating!" Shining, spangly skates appeared in his paw, as a skater's outfit materialized on his body. "Oh, no, no, that, I mean, we could fall in the ice cold water and drown, or disturb the little fishies sleeping under the ice, and it's so cold. No, no, I wouldn't want to do that." "Hmm. Perhaps... bowling?" Now he was holding a bright yellow bowling ball with butterfly-shaped holes. "Oh, bowling just seems so violent. I always feel so sorry for the poor pins," Fluttershy said. "Well, what did you have in mind then, my dear?" "Well..." She ducked her head, shyly, her face almost disappearing under her mass of mane. "I was thinking... only if it's not too much trouble... it might be a little bit fun to take over Equestria?" Cut to Fluttershy standing on Princess Celestia's balcony, an alicorn's lengthy horn on her forehead and her long pink mane sparkling as it flows in the breeze. Directly behind her is Discord, petting a purple cat with darker purple and pink markings on her tail and the top of her head, and next to Fluttershy is a large bird cage, containing a white bird with magnificent pastel rainbow plumage on its head, and a dark blue bird with a pale blue headcrest. The birds are tweeting at her aggressively, but Fluttershy ignores them. "Well, go on," Discord says. "You're the ruler of Equestria now. Give them a speech!" "Oh, no," Fluttershy whimpers. "I didn't know taking over Equestria meant I had to give speeches!" A disgruntled Celestia is reading a letter. Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that with great power comes great responsibility. Just because I can tell Discord to take over Equestria for me doesn't mean I actually want to do the work of ruling. Standing up in public in front of all those ponies... oh, that felt terrible. That's why I have had Discord turn you back into ponies and gave you Equestria back. But just remember that if the royal grants for Ponyville animal care get cut again... I'm still Discord's best friend. Sincerely, Fluttershy. *fwwwt* Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings.Author's Note Yes, I know that is not how her last name is spelled. Read the damn chapter. Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings. Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings. Special Agent Lyra Harpstrings – aka Agent 444, because 4 is the Neighponese code for death -- drove the red convertible sports car down the highway at approximately 110 miles per hour, every so often turning her head to fire a bolt of magic at the thugs pursuing her. Sitting next to her in the passenger seat, the human secret agent Rock Hardt thrust his long, stiff weapon out the side of the convertible, spurting hot lead at their pursuers. "Lyra! They're still gaining on us!" "Horsefeathers!" She pulled up a communication window on her dashboard. "W, the enemy are in hot pursuit! Have you got anything for us?" The W department created all the inventions for Her Highness' Extradimensional Secret Service (or HHESS for short). W, the head of the department, appeared on the screen. He was a brown earth pony with an hourglass for a cutie mark. Harpstrings knew his real name, but by regulation the code name for the head of the W department was always W (W stood for "What the hay is that thing?", which was usually what ponies not in the know said about W department's inventions.) "Agent 444, there's a pair of wings hanging from your rear view mirror, where you normally keep the fuzzy dice. See them?" "Yes." "Pull on them! That should help you out!" "Lyra, they're getting closer!" Rock Hardt screamed. "Here goes nothing!" Harpstrings pulled on the little wings hanging from the mirror. In an instant, the car grew wings and began to climb into the sky, like a pegasus. Soon the two agents had left their pursuit behind. "Wow," Rock panted, "that was amazing, Lyra!" "Not as amazing as you were, Rock," Harpstrings purred, and pulled him into a kiss. For several minutes the two agents of different species made out passionately in the front seat of the red convertible, until finally it landed near the reactor. "Here's my stop," Harpstrings said. "Right. You go and stop Dr. Nopony! I'll hold off the guards!" Rock said. "Right!" Harpstrings got out of the car and headed for the secret entrance to the reactor. "Oh, and come back safe!" Rock shouted, and winked at her. "We've got unfinished business!" "Believe me, I haven't forgotten," Harpstrings said in a sultry voice, then galloped to the secret entrance. At the entrance she met Dick Longo, a human man in short, ripped jeans and a white t-shirt that clung to every muscled curve of his torso with sweat. He shook his head, letting his shaggy blonde locks fall out of his eyes. "Agent 444. I've been expecting you." His eyes traveled over her body. "I have to admit, I didn't expect the deadly agent 444 to be such an... attractive mare." "And I didn't expect our mole in Dr. Nopony's organization to be such a handsome man," Harpstrings said. "Where's Dr. Nopony?" "I can take you to her. She and her cat are in the control room." Dick Longo used his ID to get himself and Harpstrings past all the base's traps. Harpstrings watched his fine, toned leg muscles and glutes flex in front of her as he moved. The human male body was so amazing, Harpstrings thought. "I have to thank you, Dick. With you helping out, this hasn't been hard at all!" "Oh, I don't know," he said teasingly. "It seems plenty hard from my end." "Maybe my end just isn't aware of how hard it is for you," Harpstrings replied. "Maybe you'd better show my end your... perspective." Dick grinned. "Maybe later," he said. Soon Dick and Harpstrings were at the control room. Harpstrings entered with her horn lit up. "Freeze, Dr. Nopony!" Dr. Nopony was a human woman, which was why she was called Dr. Nopony, because she wasn't a pony. She had pale white skin and long, luxuriant locks of shining indigo mane, or rather, what humans call hair, and she was wearing an extremely fashionable dress. She was sitting in a chair, petting her white, fluffy cat. "Lyra Harpstrings. How good of you to come visit," she said. And then Dick Longo put an antimagic ring on Harpstring's horn. "What—" Harpstring heard many clicking sounds as the faceless thugs all over the control room pointed their guns at her, and she was helpless, unable to stop them without her magic. "NO! Dick, you traitor!" "I'm not a traitor, I'm a spy," Dick said. "Your organization thought they could turn me, but my loyalty was really always to Dr. Nopony." He went over to the villain and kissed her in a passionate clinch, pressing her tall, beautiful body against his firm, strong torso. Harpstrings felt a surge of hatred and jealousy. Why did ~~mares~~ women like that get all the hot guys? "You see, Harpstrings?" Dr. Nopony giggled. "A little pony like you could never be good enough for a real man like my Dick, here. I can always count on my Dick to stand up for me whenever I need him." She kissed him again. "I'd kill you right this moment, but first I want to make you watch me enjoying my Dick. And then I'm going to set off the reactor in front of you and destroy all of this big human city we're in!" "You monster!" Harpstrings said. "You'll never get away with this!" "On the contrary, my dear, I already have," Nopony said, smirking. "Now watch me making kissyface with the man you wanted, and try not to let it get you too hot under the collar... or anywhere else." She chuckled and turned back to Dick. Harpstrings noticed that the soldiers holding their guns on her were actually all staring at Nopony and Dick Longo kissing, and not really looking at her. With a small stomp of her hoof, she activated another W invention – an inflatable hand, just like a human one, attached to her hoof like a sock. As soon as the hand had inflated, she reached up and easily plucked the ring off her horn with it. "Hey, Nopony!" Harpstrings shouted. "I hear you're feeling horny. Well, so am I!" Nopony turned, and gasped, seeing that Harpstrings' anti-magic ring was off. "Noooo!" As Harpstrings fired a bolt of laser-like magic at Nopony, Dick Longo jumped in the way, protecting his boss... with his life. The bolt burned right through his heart. "Well, he was a Dick, but his heart was in the right place," Harpstrings quipped. "Right in front of my magic." "You'll never stop the reactor meltdown now!" Dr. Nopony cackled. Harpstrings looked up just in time to see her getting away on a gyrocopter she was pedaling rapidly. Harpstrings fired at her, but the gyrocopter was spinning wildly, so her bolts just kept hitting the structural supports. Within moments, Dr. Nopony was gone. Harpstrings quickly killed all the goons in the room and trotted to the control panel. Reactor meltdown was imminent! There was only one thing to do. She pulled her final W invention out of her saddlebag – a magical crystal containing a miniature black hole – and tossed it into the reactor, where the radiation activated the crystal. Soon the entire reactor started to be pulled into the black hole. Harpstrings raced back the way she came, only blasting down doors with her horn instead of trying to stealthily slip through them, this time. As soon as she got out, the entire building was sucked with a shooop into the crystal. Rock Hardt, who by now had lost most of his clothes to random gunfire that had just ripped his clothing but hadn't actually hit him personally and was covered with sweat, ran over to her. "Lyra! You made it!" "Of course I did," Harpstrings said, embracing him tightly. "After all—" Bon Bon put the papers down. Eagerly, her roommate Lyra Heartstrings asked, "What did you think? It's not quite done, I still have to add the sex scene at the end—" "Sex scene?" "Don't worry, it'll be tasteful." "It's between a mare and a mythological alien monster, how's that ever going to be tasteful?" "Okay, fine, but setting aside the sex scene I haven't written yet, what did you think?" "This is the most unbearably trite and unrealistic portrayal of a secret agent I've ever seen." Bon Bon dropped the papers on the couch, hard. Lyra pouted. "Oh, like you would know what being a secret agent is like?" For some reason Bon Bon sweatdropped. "Uh... no! No, of course I don't know what being a secret agent is really like, not at all! It's not like I'm a secret agent myself or something, haha, that would be ridiculous!" She took a deep breath. "It's just that this story is garbage, Lyra. I mean, this is the most transparent self-insert ever." "It is not! See, her name is Harpstrings. Harp-strings. And my name is Heartstrings. Totally different!" Bon Bon facehooved. "You know what... fine. It's great. Publish it all over Equestria. If Fifty Shades of Neigh can sell well, maybe you can sell this too." "Yay! I knew you'd love it." *fwwwt* Discord Gets His Cutie MarkDiscord was sitting in his thinking tree, sipping at a straw that was not attached to a drink, or anything. A bright flash of light startled him. He looked down. "Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me." On the haunch of his goat leg, there was a picture of a neatly folded pile of laundry. *fwwwt*
It's Alive!"Owww!" In her attempt to dodge the enclosed carriage careening drunkenly through the streets of Ponyville, Scootaloo fell off her scooter and into a rocky ditch. "Ow ow ow that's gonna smart even worse tomorrow ow!" She felt her head, where it felt like a rock had slammed into the orbit of her skull, just above her eye. "I think I'm bleeding ow ow ow. And my knee! And my other knee! And my wing! Ow." As she sat in the ditch contemplating her various ows and how very ow they all were, something unexpectedly scooped her into the air. "Scooterpie! Oh, you poor, dear little chicken, what a terrible accident! I must fix you at once!" Scootaloo squirmed around to face the most-likely-totally-insincere owner of that voice. "Discord! What the hay are you doing?" "Language, my little chickadee," Discord said, holding Scootaloo in the air effortlessly with one paw. "Now that you've had your tragic, tragic accident—" "I just fell off my scooter onto some rocks. I do it all the time!" "—I must take you to my laboratory at once to fix you!" "I don't need fixing! And—wait, laboratory? You have one of those?" "Why, if Rainbow Dash were to see you in this horrifying state, she would cry! And I am assured by the mare herself that if she were ever to do anything as uncool as crying, the world would end! Quickly, little chicken! We need to attend to your injuries at once, to SAVE THE WORLD!" "I am not a chicken!" Scootaloo complained. "I suppose you are somewhat reminiscent of an emu, now that I look." "A what?" Without warning they were in a laboratory that looked like it came straight out of a comic book. Blinky lights, test tubes oozing green slime, strange looking devices… and a table, which Discord strapped Scootaloo down on before she could protest. "Hey!" "Don’t worry, this won't hurt a bit." He reached down with some sort of metal blinking something or other and touched her injured eye. "It's alive!" he shouted gleefully. "Of course I'm alive! I just fell off my scooter!" Scootaloo tried to blink and found that only her good eye could close; the other eye was stuck open. "What did you do?" she asked frantically. "Why, I've made you into a robot! Well, technically cyborg, but robot sounds better." "A what?" "No, not a what, a robot! Or technically cyborg. Here, have a look!" He conjured a mirror. The left side of Scootaloo's face was now covered with a partial mask of black metal, and where her eye had been was a glowing light that appeared to shine a beam, like a very narrow flashlight. "Huh. That looks pretty cool, actually." "And now for the important part!" Discord ripped the restraints off Scootaloo, picked her up and dumped her in a chair in front of what looked like two dozen screens. He then strapped her forehooves to the arms of the chair. "Discord, what the hay are you doing?" "Isn't it obvious?" He brandished some sort of little black boxlike device at her, making Scootaloo recoil. "I'm preparing you to watch bad fanfic!" "To what?" "You keep saying what. That word, I do not think it means what you think it means." "What does it mean, then?" "Never mind. Watch the show!" He pressed a button on the box, and the screens lit up. ROBOT SCOOTALOO WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND PRODUCED BY ALARA ROGERS WITH VOICES PROVIDED BY THE REGULAR CAST OF MY LITTLE PONY GUEST STARRING JOHN DE LANCIE AND WEIRD AL YANKOVIC AND OCCASIONALLY SETH GREEN BUT NOT SETH MACFARLANE BECAUSE HE'S A DICK EXCEPT IN ONE OR TWO OF THE GUEST SHOTS MY LITTLE PONY CREATED AND OWNED BY HASBRO ROBOT CHICKEN CREATED AND OWNED BY STUPID MONKEY PRODUCTIONS NO ACTUAL CHICKENS WERE MADE INTO ROBOTS DURING THE PRODUCTION OF THIS PARODY fwwwt Author's Note Yeah... don't take any of this seriously. Parody of Robot Chicken from Adult Swim (thank you to AK47Productions, whose comment below included this link so I didn't have to go find it when I remembered I should embed the references in the author's notes. :-)) The fwwwt sound effect is my best attempt to render the sound of the channel being changed, used at the end of each Robot Chicken micro-skit to signal a change to a new skit.
What Could Go Wrong?"It's perfectly safe for me to practice this new spell, Spike!" Twilight laughed. "I've got it covered. What could go wrong?" "I don't know about this," Spike moaned. Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell. Nothing went wrong. "See?" Twilight said. "I told you!" fwwwt
A Random Brony Goes To Equestria"I'm a random brony. One day I just woke up and I was in Equestria! And the Mane 6 were surrounding me! The end." fwwwt
A Fluttercord FanficRating: Teen Tags: Comedy, Random, Romance Summary: Fluttershy is falling in love with Discord. Will he return her love? FLUTTERCORD Fluttershy was worried. Ever since she'd reformed Discord, she'd found herself having feelings for the Spirit of Chaos. Feelings that couldn't be explained by mere friendship. Maybe... love. But wasn't falling in love with the Spirit of Disharmony a quick way to end up with a broken heart? Could he possibly return her feelings? "YES! HE TOTALLY DOES! TELL HIM, FLUTTERSHY!" Fluttershy stared in bemusement as a certain pink pony bounced up and down next to her. "Pinkie? When did you get here?" "Just now, silly!" "But... how did you know I was thinking about my feelings for Discord?" "Because I read the summary and it said Fluttercord! That means the two of you are destined to be together in this story cause the writer said so!" Fluttershy blinked. "That doesn't even make any sense..." "That's okay, things don't have to make sense! Why don't you tell him right now?" At that point Discord appeared. "Buongiornio, my little ponies! How are my favorite diminutive equines today?" "Tell him," Pinkie said in what was supposed to be a stage whisper, except it was rather louder than that. "Oh, I couldn't... I mean... eep..." "My dear Fluttershy." Discord reached down and lifted Fluttershy's chin so she was looking up at him. "Can it be true that you've actually fallen in love with me? The God of Chaos? Why, I don't look anything at all like a pony, and I'm completely insecure about it! I'm a hideous, monstrous creature! How could any pony possibly care about me?" "I care about you," Fluttershy said, fluttered up to him and kissed him. Discord swept her into a close embrace. "Oh, my dearest Fluttershy!" He turned to Pinkie Pie. "Pinkie, be a dear for me and see if the mature box is checked? Also the box for sex?" "Nope! Just Romance, Comedy and Random!" "Oh. Pity that. My darling, we will have to consummate our passionate and newly formed romance offstage so that the audience can't see!" "What?" Fluttershy said. "Never mind. Shall we go, my sweet? I have dozens of roses and a diamond ring and all sorts of completely traditional, non-chaotic, thoroughly expected signs of my affection to give you!" "Um, yay?" With that, Fluttershy and Discord disappeared together in a flash. In front of Pinkie Pie there was a giant milkshake glass, taller than she was, with a lengthy bendy straw hanging out of it. It was full of chocolate milk, with a large dollop of whipped cream on top. In flashing neon lights, the side of the milkshake glass said, "Thanks for checking the summary for me, Pinkie, you're a true pal." Pinkie sighed deeply. "Chocolate milk with whipped cream. Nirvana!" At that point a random brony stepped out of the Everfree Forest and said "Wow, aren't you Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony?" fwwwt
Spike The Magic DragonOPENING SHOT: SPIKE, sitting in library, reading a book. Looks up startled as disembodied voices begin to sing. VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: I what? VOICES: Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Spike, And brought him strings and sealing wax and a seven speeded bike, oh SPIKE: Uh… no, no he didn't! Cause I never met the guy! And also I don't even like strings or sealing wax… though I wouldn't mind a bike. VOICES: Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail Jackie kept a lookout perched on Spike's gigantic tail SPIKE: Um, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but… are you high? VOICES: Noble kings and princes would bow whenever they came, Pirate ships would lower their flag when Spike roared out his name. oh! SPIKE: Ok, very funny, whoever is behind this prank… ha ha, but it's getting old now. VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: You said that already… still not true. VOICES: A dragon lives forever but not so little boys Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys SPIKE: What's a little boy anyway? For that matter who are you? Twilight, is this some weird spell of yours gone wrong? VOICES: One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more And Spike that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar. SPIKE: Hello… I'm still a kid here… VOICES: His head was bent in sorrow, purple scales fell like rain, Spike no longer went to play along the cherry lane. SPIKE: Oh my Celestia that's depressing. Hey, if you're going to sing a song about me in the future or something, could you maybe sing it about me being a big hero, not getting all depressed because some friend of mine died? Also, what is a boy? VOICES: Without his life-long friend, Spike could not be brave, So Spike that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh! SPIKE: You are depressing me. VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: Wait, what? First I'm all depressed because my friend died and then I'm frolicking again? What, am I supposed to go senile or something? VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: It's Equestria! And I don't live anywhere near the sea! I never even heard of this Honah Lee place! VOICES: Spike, the magic dragon lived by the sea And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee SPIKE: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP! SPIKE fires a burst of flame at nothing in particular. ENTER DR. TRAN, a small human male with very narrow eyes, dark hair and golden tan skin, wearing a green sweater. DR. TRAN: I see the voices get you too? They never stop bothering me. Even when I go with my friend Leland's crazy grandma to Toy Store, stupid voices still tell me about future like it's happening right now. I going to be completely insane! SPIKE: Who are you? NEW VOICE: He's Dr Tran! America's top secret agent! He has a Ph. D. in kicking your ass! DR. TRAN: I a five year old boy from Vietnam. Don't listen to stupid voices, they liars. SPIKE: So you're a boy? DR. TRAN: Uh-huh. SPIKE: Do you know a boy named Jackie Paper? DR. TRAN (sighs) You listening to voices! Never do that! They make you insane! VOICES: Little Dr. Tran loved that rascal Spike, And brought him gems and other things and maybe finally that bike DR. TRAN: I do not! I just met him! SPIKE: Do you actually have a bike? Or gems? DR. TRAN: NO! SPIKE: Well, excuse me for asking. fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Puff the Magic Dragon (link goes to a video that has the lyrics as well). Also a parody of Dr. Tran and one of its sequels, Mr. Tran and the Toy Cack.
Princess Celestia Bucks A Foal Into OrbitIn the middle of a street in Canterlot, Princess Celestia smiles at her subjects, until she encounters a baby carriage. She looks both ways, observes that no one is paying attention… and bucks the baby carriage into orbit. The foal sails off with a thin, receding wail. fwwwt
Sweetie Belle Gets Her Cutie MarkSweetie Belle was folding the laundry when a flash appeared on her side. She looked back at her flank. "I got my Cutie Mark! I got my Cutie Mark!" She ran to Rarity. "Rarity, I got my Cutie Mark!" "How wonderful! What is it?" Rarity inspected the image, which appeared to be a folded pile of laundry. Sweetie Belle craned her head back to see it. "It looks like… a pile of folded laundry?" "Yes, that does appear to be what it is." Rarity placed her hoof on her sister's shoulder. "How exciting! Your special talent is to fold laundry, Sweetie Belle." "Well, this sucks," Sweetie Belle grumbled. fwwwt
Read It (Starring Cheese Sandwich!)CHEESE SANDWICH appears on stage, with accordion. Backup singers behind him are Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Zecora. On other instruments, the backup band consists of Octavia on fiddle, Vinyl Scratch on soundboard, Lyra Heartstrings on piano, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying and failing to get their cutie marks on drums. CHEESE (dancing as he plays accordion): How come you're always such a fussy young brony You're so picky 'bout the fanfics from My Little Pony Well don't you know that authors get to feeling kinda lonely So read it Just read it PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Ooo! Don't wanna argue I don't wanna debate Don't wanna hear about what kind of fics you hate Karma's gonna get you if you don't bother to rate So read it Just read it CHEESE (scowls into camera): Don't you tell me it sucks! CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Just read it, read it, read it, read it Find an author's ego and feed it Have some more random starring the Pie (PINKIE waves arms wildly) It doesn't matter if the grammar makes you cry Just read it, read it, read it, read it CHEESE: Your reading manners are just awful! Hot damn, You haven't even left a single comment, man How can you be so cold if you call yourself a fan? Go read it Just read it You better listen, cause I don't wanna scold So many stories out there that just gotta be told Just remember how much you sucked when you yourself were twelve years old So read it Just read it PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Now! CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: Just read it, read it, read it, read it Set a comment quota and meet it Have some more grimdark, have some more HiE Even if the wall'o'text makes you wanna die Just read it, read it, read it, read it Don't you make me repeat it Read Alicorn OCs, read Gary Stu It doesn't matter if the plot smells like poo Just read it read it read it read it Read it read it read it read it (CHEESE and PINKIE dance, CHEESE playing the accordion still, PINKIE performing a kazoo solo) CHEESE, PINKIE, FLUTTERSHY AND ZECORA: So read it, read it, read it, read it Stick your butt into a chair and seat it Read about background ponies, read about the Mane 6 There's nowhere else better to get your pony fix So read it, read it, read it, read it Read it read it read it read it TWILIGHT (disapprovingly): That's all very well and good, but ninety percent of all fanfics totally suck. CHEESE: Ninety percent of everything sucks! Just read it! (PINKIE and CHEESE toss fanfics at TWILIGHT, who desperately tries to catch all of them with her magic and read them all, as they dance around her singing) Come on, read it, read it, read it, read it Don't you make me repeat it (Oh Celestia!) Have some crossovers, have Five Score By Four Have some clopfics, then go surfing for more Just read it read it read it read it Read it read it read it read it fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Eat It by Weird Al Yankovic (itself a parody of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson.) BTW, I feel like I should clarify: I'm an enormously picky eater. I'm also an only slightly less picky reader. I don't actually agree with the song "Eat It", I just think it's funny; likewise, I don't really agree with "Read It", but I needed Cheese Sandwich to sing a meta parody of "Eat It", so there we go. :-) I do agree folks should leave more comments, though. :-)
The Real Reason Discord Turned EvilThis was going to be the best night ever, thought the teenage draconequus, with hearts and stars sparkling in his eyes (literally). He had had some difficulty getting a tux to rent in his size, so he'd had to make his own, but he thought the pink and blue had more pizzazz than a typical black and white tux anyway, and he thought the corsage of flowers that played music was a nice touch. Sweating slightly, he teleported to Celestia's bedroom door, bypassing all the annoying guards who probably would try to keep him out, and knocked loudly. And then knocked again. And then manufactured a number of hands, feet, hooves, paws, claws, and tentacles to continue to knock on the door, incessantly, until his date for the prom finally opened the door. Discord had a speech prepared for this, but the beauty of Celestia in her prom dress, with her mane styled perfectly and glittering gemstones hanging from her ears, caused him to completely lose track of what he was going to say. "My beet swootiful Celestia! I, uh, I'm here, and you're here, and we're both here, so, um, that prom! Yes! The one that we were going to go to!" "Oh, um--" Celestia coughed. "Discord, I'm so terribly *cough cough* sorry, but I've just suddenly gotten *cough cough* sick! With, um--" Her entire white-coated body suddenly turned blue. "With the blue flu! *cough cough* It's, um, very contagious, so I *cough* can't go with you!" Discord stared at her in utter shock, his dreams of the most perfect night ever breaking. But of course it wasn't Celestia's fault that she was sick. "Oh, you poor thing! I could come in and help take care of you--" "Oh no *cough cough*, I wouldn't want you to get sick! *cough* Luna's taking care of me. *cough* Because she's *cough cough* blue already, so she can't get the blue flu!" "I could turn myself blue, would that protect me? And look, my tux is blue!" "No, *cough* only a naturally blue coat protects you *cough cough* from the blue flu. But *cough* I'm so sorry I'm going to *cough cough* make you miss the prom! *cough* Maybe you could come by *cough cough* in a few days when I'm better, and we could, um, *cough* go hang out in the woods? Where, um, it's private and nopony will see us together *cough* I mean because privacy is romantic, right?" "I--um--yes, of course, that sounds, uh, great. I--I'll see you in a few days." He reappeared at his home, all by himself, in the middle of nowhere, because that's angsty and tragic. "I was really looking forward to going to the prom," he said sadly, tossing the flower corsage on the floor, where it turned into a mound of ants that immediately began scurrying off to go found a new colony in his pantry. All the ponies at high school that teased him about being an ugly draconequus and having no friends would see that he hadn't brought Celestia as his date to the prom, as he'd said he would, and laugh at him. If he managed to find some filly willing to go with him at the last possible second, which seemed really unlikely even for the Master of Chaos, then they'd laugh because he brought a date who wasn't Celestia after he'd been bragging that she'd agreed to go with him, and if he didn't go at all, they'd know he couldn't find a date. Hmm. He thought about that. One of the rules of the prom was that you couldn't go if you didn't have a date. But he was Discord, and he didn't play by the rules. He grinned to himself. He'd go anyway, invisible, and watch everything. Then he'd claim tomorrow that he'd been to the prom with Celestia and the reason no one saw him was that he and she spent most of their time in the coat closet making out. And he'd know about everything that happened at the prom, so he could prove he'd been there! Perfect. Proms were unbelievably boring, it turned out. All the ponies he hated from school were there, milling about and having inane teenage conversations. He longed to spice things up, maybe change the punch to something more interesting, or unleash a bunch of rats into the middle of the dance floor, or make the chaperone, old Miss Dried-Up Pruneface (this was actually her name), suddenly start dancing the tango instead of sneering at fillies whose hemlines were too short and demanding that they submit to her magical dress alterations. But there would be time for that later. If he did it now, he'd prove he was here, but then the ponies would start looking for him and Celestia and too many of them were sober for that. If he did it later, he'd prove he was here, and the fact that none of them would be able to find him would have more to do with the fact that a veritable plethora of them would be too busy making out in coat closets with their significant others, and many of the rest would be drunk after some prankster who wasn't him inevitably spiked the punch. (Discord never did anything so jejune and boring as putting alcohol in the punch. He'd never need to; somepony would always do it for him. His idea for the punch had revolved around hot sauce.) And then a pony who looked startlingly like Celestia arrived, accompanied by that jerkface Prince Sombra. Wait a minute. That was Celestia. She was wearing the dress he'd helped her pick out (well, that he'd accompanied her to pick out anyway; she hadn't taken any of his ideas), her mane styled just as he'd seen it an hour ago, and she was laughing and smiling and most certainly not coughing. And she was not blue. Prince Sombra said something stupid, and Celestia giggled. "Oh, Sombra! You have such a sense of humor!" Sense of humor? That was what Celestia always said she liked most about him! Discord materialized in front of her in a rage. "Blue flu, Celestia?" She gaped at him. "D--Discord! What are you doing here?" "I could ask the same of you, Princess Celestia," he sneered. "You told me you were sick with the blue flu!" Sombra had the nerve to laugh. "The -- the blue flu?" he chortled. "And you believed her? There's no such thing as the blue flu!" "I -- uh, I was just feeling nervous --" "Oh, no, Princess, I see how it is," Discord spat. "You could have just said ‘no' when I asked you out, but instead you string me along, pretend you'll be my date, then beg off sick so you can go with some jerkface unicorn instead. What's the matter, was it too embarrassing to imagine being seen with me? Am I too ugly for you?" "Um, well... frankly, yes," Celestia said. "I like you a lot as a friend, Discord, but, um, you're not exactly a pony, and well, I'm just not attracted to you..." "Then why were you willing to make out with me in the woods all those times?" Celestia turned red. "I was experimenting! I'm a teenage filly, I've got hormones! Besides I wanted to let you down easy!" "Wait, you made out with him?" Sombra said, startled. "You never even let me get to second base!" "Well, because you and I might get married!" Celestia said. "I didn't want you to think I was fast!" "You'd better be fast," Discord snarled at her, and threw a pie in her face. Strawberry rhubarb, her least favorite flavor. Rhubarb, and strawberry, dripped all over her expensive, fancy new dress. Celestia's face contorted with rage, and while Discord was giggling at how stupid she looked with the strawberry rhubarb plastered all over her face, she fired a bolt of magic at him, throwing him into the punch bowl. It crashed over his head, drenching him with punch that hadn't even been spiked yet. All around, ponies stopped what they were doing to stare, point, and laugh hysterically. Discord got to his feet, slowly. "Stand me up for the prom, will you? Dump me for some loser unicorn, will you? Ruin my tux? Oh, Celestia, you don't know what you've started, my dear." He began cackling maniacally, throwing his mismatched hands out as the ceiling transformed into thick pink stormclouds. "From this point forward, chaos will reign free all over Equestria! I will be your DOOM! Hahahahahahahaha!!!" Fluttershy stared at Discord as he got to this point in his story. "Um... are you saying you turned evil because Princess Celestia stood you up at the prom? Isn't that... um... totally lame? Not that that's so bad or anything..." "I was young!" Discord said defensively. fwwwt Author's Note Possibly inspired by Discorderly Conduct. Or maybe by the incredibly big deal my teenage daughter is making of her upcoming prom. Any resemblance to a mockery of stories where Discord turns evil because Celestia rejects him romantically is... absolutely intentional.
What Could Go Wrong Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo"It's perfectly safe for me to practice this new spell, Spike!" Twilight laughed. "I've got it covered. What could go wrong?" "I don't know about this," Spike moaned. Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell. Nothing seemed to happen at all. "Huh. Why didn't it work?" "Um, Twilight? You might want to see this." Twilight looked at where Spike was looking. On her flank, instead of sparkling stars, there was now a neatly folded pile of laundry. "Well, buck." fwwwt
SHADOW MALEFICENT STARBLADE!!!Shadow Maleficent Starblade! The long-lost brother of Celestia and Luna! A black alicorn with a red mane like fire! The fire he wields as his power... along with shadows! And starblades! Shadow Maleficent Starblade! Banished to the most hellish of all possible worlds, crueler and more dangerous than even Tartarus -- Earth! Where he has been living in the suburbs, an empty life devoid of magic, with parents who don't understand him and no girlfriend and classmates who taunt him for being a brony! Until one day -- one day, he remembers his true destiny! Shadow transports himself to the Everfree Forest and takes back his true form! Suddenly he finds a manticore, a hydra and a timberwolf all chasing after Fluttershy! It seems as if the poor yellow pegasus is doomed, until Shadow Maleficent Starblade steps in, and with one swoop of his mighty starblade, decapitates the manticore, the timberwolf, and all of the heads of the hydra, at once! "My hero!" Fluttershy says, clinging to him. Suddenly Shadow senses a great disturbance in magic, because that's another one of his powers. With one flap of his mighty black wings, he teleports to Ponyville, in a ring of fire! Black fire! With red highlights! Just like him! The magical spell Twilight Sparkle is trying to perform has gotten away from her! Her eyes have turned glowing and silver, and she's floating in mid-air, screaming, as energy crackles all around her! She's going to overload! But not while Shadow Maleficent Starblade is in town! With one wave of his mighty horn, which is black, but glows red, he draws the magic away from Twilight and pulls it into himself, where he absorbs it completely! Twilight is saved! "My hero!" she says dreamily, clinging to him. "Um, no, he was my hero first," Fluttershy says. Twilight glares. "But he's an alicorn and I'm an alicorn! We're meant for each other!" But there's no time to waste with pointless catfighting between best friends! Suddenly a scream rings out! It's Rarity's voice. The Carousel Boutique is on fire! With one gallop of his mighty hooves, Shadow Maleficent Starblade finds himself at the Carousel Boutique. Rarity is trapped on the upper floor as the flames roar. "Help me! Somepony help me!" Never fear, Rarity! With a flap of his mighty wings and a glow from his mighty horn, Shadow uses his power over flames to control the flames and douse them, saving her and all of her merchandise as well! Rarity leaps into his hooves because he just happened to be rearing up on his hind legs. "My hero!" "We were here first," Fluttershy and Twilight say. But Rarity is nothing if not generous! "My dear friends, why don't we share him?" she asks. "Yes! Let's have a herd!" Twilight says. "Yes, let's!" Fluttershy says. Then they all hear a scream. Rainbow Dash is falling! She must have broken her wing, somehow! Despite the fact that he has three mares clinging to him, Shadow Maleficent Starblade leaps into the air and catches the falling cyan rainbow-maned mauve-eyed rainbow-becutiemarked brash pegasus. "My hero!" Rainbow Dash says. Then Pinkie Pie leaps toward them. "Oh my gosh a new pony in Ponyville and he's so handsome what's your name stranger I need to make friends with you and also throw you a party and also join in with my friends' herd and make sweet love to you all night with whipped cream!" "My name," says Shadow Maleficent Starblade, "is Shadow Maleficent Starblade." "Oh, how exotic!" Rarity swoons. "You're such a good flyer!" Rainbow Dash says. "And so good with magic!" Twilight says. "And so heroic!" Fluttershy says. "Well, hay with it, guess Ah'm gonna go for a piece of that action too," Applejack says, and throws herself into the pile of mares on Shadow. At this point Luna and Celestia teleport in front of the group! "Oh, sister, can it be?" Luna asks. "I cannot imagine there being another red and black alicorn prince with such amazing skills!" Celestia says. "It must be our long-lost brother, Shadow Maleficent Starblade!" "Yo," Shadow says, and punches his sisters, because he's cool and manly like that. They giggle. "Oh, Shadow, it is you!" Luna says. "Welcome home, dear brother!" Celestia says. "Now that you are back, Luna and I can abdicate as the diarchs of Equestria and yield to you as our rightful King and Ruler!" "Does that mean we are herding with the king of Equestria?" Rarity shouts, and then faints again. At this point Discord appears! "I'm here to say something snide and nasty," Discord says, "because that's what I do in stories like this." "Not so fast, villain!" Shadow Maleficent Starblade says, and punches Discord. Even though Discord can teleport, move the sun and the moon at will, invert gravity, split his head in half, remove his body parts, and change his size, he is helpless to stop Shadow Maleficent Starblade from utterly beating the crap out of him with his mighty hooves and his mighty wings and his mighty horn and his mighty starblade! But not the other mighty part of him, because that would totally be gay. "Please!" Discord snivels. "Please don't kill me!" "Well, I really want to," Shadow Maleficent Starblade says, "but since my sisters have begged me to show you mercy, I will spare you, if you lick my hooves." So Discord licks Shadow Maleficent Starblade's hooves. Which Shadow doesn't even enjoy one bit, because he is totally not gay. However, seeing Shadow's magnificent hooves being licked has made the Mane 6 incredibly horny! So now they pull Shadow toward the Carousel Boutique, which has the best collection of sex toys, making seductive moans. The mighty part of Shadow that he didn't actually use to beat up Discord stirs to life at the sound of the seductive moaning! Fortunately Shadow has the stamina of a thousand stallions and will have no trouble pleasuring six mares until they swoon from delight, all night long! At this point Big Mac appears, with a shotgun, and blows Shadow Maleficent Starblade's mighty head off. "Another alicorn OC?" he grumbles. "Thought we sprayed for those varmints jest last week." fwwwt
Twilight, I Am Your Mother"You will never defeat me, Twilight Sparkle!" Nightmare Moon sneered at Twilight. "I will! For Princess Celestia!" Twilight shot back. Nightmare Moon laughed. "You ridiculous foal. Once you know the truth that Celestia hid from you, you won't even want to fight me!" Twilight blinked. "Princess Celestia never hid the truth from me!" "Didn't she? What did she tell you about what happened to your mother?" "Wait, what does my mother have anything to do with this?" "Twilight, I AM YOUR MOTHER!" Twilight stared at Nightmare Moon in disbelief. "Oh, come on, now, am I expected to buy that?" "Search your heart!" Nightmare Moon said. "You know this to be true!" "I know this to be one of the oldest cliches in the book!" Twilight said. "Actually," Pinkie said, "it just dates back to the 80's when The Empire Strikes Back came out!" "Ok, but still, that's pretty old," Twilight said. "What, and eternal night is fresh material?" Nightmare Moon said. "I have to work with what I've got! Now join me, in the dark side of the... darkness!" "You girls getting all this?" Twilight asked her friends. "Yeah," Rainbow Dash said. "Totally lamesauce. 'Dark side of the darkness?' Isn't it supposed to be the dark side of the moon?" "Well, um, there's no dark side of the moon, really," Fluttershy said. "As a matter of fact, it's all dark." "Why, Fluttershy!" Rarity said. "I would never have guessed you to be a Pink Floyd fan!" "How in the hay is Twilight supposed to believe you're her mom when you've been on the moon a thousand years?" Applejack asked. "Ah know you like to throw the word 'foal' around a lot, but seriously, Your Highness, we weren't born yesterday. And ain't none of us born a thousand years ago, neither." "I don't know how it happened!" Nightmare Moon said. "Just go with it!" "Um, no," Twilight said. "I have a better idea. How about we use the Elements of Harmony and defeat you?" "NOOOOOOOO!" "Sheesh, you'd think we just told her that the special somepony she sacrificed herself to the dark side to save died because of injuries she caused, or something," Pinkie said. fwwwt
A Random Brony Goes To Equestria Part DeuxA Random Brony Goes To Equestria Part Deux A random brony addresses the camera. "I'm a random brony. One day I just woke up and I was in Equestria! And the Mane 6 were surrounding me!" He is sitting on the ground in a meadow. The Mane 6 are surrounding him. "What kind of a critter are you, sugarcube?" Applejack says. Pinkie says, "He looks like a monkey! Except he doesn't have any fur on his body, just a mane!" "His style in clothing is atrocious," Rarity said. "Look at the quality of that rag he's wearing... wait, is that a picture of us?" As the camera pans back, we can see that he is wearing a well-worn T-shirt with pictures of Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie on it. "It totally is!" Rainbow Dash says. "I'm so awesome monkey aliens wear clothes with pictures of me!" She dances around in mid-air, making foot motions that actually don't do much because she is hovering. "Go Rainbow, it's your birthday! Go Rainbow, it's your birthday!" "It's not your birthday, Dashie," Pinkie says. "That's two months from now!" Twilight says, "It's flattering, but why is a member of a species we've never heard of wearing clothes with pictures of me, Pinkie and Rainbow?" "It's because in my dimension, you're all characters on a TV show!" Random Brony says excitedly. "Wow, this is so exciting! I'm actually in Equestria! Woo-hoo!" "Um, what is TV?" Fluttershy asks. Quietly. Very quietly. "Oh, um... it's like a play, or, or a movie! Except that the theaters are in everyone's houses, and small, like the size of—" "A breadbox?" Pinkie interrupts. "Yes, something like that, and we beam the movie to everyone's house, kind of like the way telegrams are sent, and then everyone watches it at the same time! Well, unless they're streaming off Netflix or they've pirated it or got it on DVD... but none of that's important." "And you're a fan of this TV?" Twilight asks. "I love your show! I love all of you! My Little Pony changed my life!" He tries to hug them but they dodge backwards, except for Pinkie, who he squeezes hard enough that she briefly turns blue. "So if you love us all so dadgurn much, how come only Twilight and Rainbow and Pinkie are on your shirt?" Applejack asks with her eyebrow raised. "Well, the little girls who watch the show are mostly only into Twilight and Rainbow and Pinkie. It's just us bronies who really care about all of the Mane 6!" he says proudly. "The Mane 6? Is that what you call us?" Twilight says. "Wait, wait a minute," Rainbow says. "Go back a bit. Did you just say little girls watch this show? Like, little fillies?" "Yeah, the show was created for them but we bronies love it!" "Is a brony your word for a stallion?" Twilight asks. "It means a man, which is our word for a stallion, who loves My Little Pony!" "Even though it's a show for little girls?" Rarity asks archly. "Um... yes! Even though it's a show for little girls, it's still really good and—" The Mane 6 start laughing hysterically and pointing at Random Brony with their hooves. "Hahaha! You like a girl show, you like a girl show!" Tears fill the Random Brony's eyes. "You should be called the Mean 6!" he shouts, and runs away to the sound of pony laughter. *fwwwt*
IronyIrony Pinkie Pie is sitting in a plush armchair, in a subdued-looking study with dark wood paneling, bookshelves full of books all around, and a fireplace with a roaring fire inside. She is wearing a monocle and a pencil-thin black mustache that droops off her face on either side, and smoking a pipe. "Today we will discuss 'irony'," she says in a fake Trottingham accent. "Irony is a form of comedy based on violating expectations in a way that satisfies them. Or, to put it another way, the ironic event is one which, once it occurs, seems curiously fitting, although it could not have been predicted in advance. For instance, in the O. Henkeeper story Gifts for Hearth's Warming, a poor mare shaves her mane and sells it as a wig to buy a gold chain for her husband to hang his watch on; meanwhile, her husband sells his beloved watch to buy a bejeweled mane clip for his wife. This turn of events was not predicted by either of them, but the sacrifices match each other, each giving up the thing they treasure to buy their partner an accoutrement for what the partner most treasures... which the partner has just sold to buy the corresponding accoutrement for them." The camera swivels around to view the studio audience. The only member of the studio audience is Rainbow Dash, who is tied to a chair, struggling. "Let me out! This is torture!" Back to Pinkie, who puffs on her pipe. "In the previous sketch we see an example of 'irony'. My friends and myself are characters on a quote unquote 'girly cartoon'; thus, the natural expectation would be that we would have high opinions of girly cartoons and value the opinions of those who appreciate them, and in particular, appreciate 'us'. However, on Earth, the subgroup of adult human males that proclaim themselves 'bronies' enjoy our adventures, on a girly cartoon, despite social pressure and opprobrium at the perceived low value of such cartoons to adults and to males and particularly to adult males. Thus, the previous skit creates a violation of expectations by having us, characters in a 'girly cartoon', denigrate an adult male human fan of ours as if we shared the same opinion of the appropriateness of such cartoons to adult men as his own society does." Back to Rainbow Dash. "Discord and Pinkie, I am going to kill you both! Let me out of this thing!" "Another example of irony is the fact that I myself, Pinkie Pie, have adopted a relatively low-key demeanor and am employing a much more complex vocabulary than is my usual wont, in order to discuss irony with you today. This creates humor because it violates expectations. One would normally—" A talon taps her on her head. She turns. "Discord. Do you mind?" "I do mind, actually," Discord says crossly. He is wearing the exact same outfit as Pinkie. "Firstly, your impersonation of a pompous Trottingham lecturer isn't ironic at all. It violates expectations but not in a way that seems fitting in any regard. Secondly, that's my chair, and those are my lines, and honestly, Pinkie, I said I just had to go to the bathroom and then we could get rolling! I didn't expect you to jump in my chair and start doing my show without me!" Pinkie grins. "And that is why this is ironic," she says. "You see, this violation of expectations caused by the persona I've adopted is actually due to the fact that I have played a prank on you, the Spirit of Chaos, and stolen your role while you were indisposed! By the way, why exactly were you in the bathroom for forty-five minutes?" Discord scowls. "Oh, go play in traffic!" He taps her with his talon again, and she turns gray, her monocle and mustache vanishing. Her hair, however, remains poofy. "Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie hops off. Back to Rainbow Dash. "Discord! Lemme out of here or when I get out I'll kick you so hard your momma will feel it in her tummy!" "I was laid in an egg," Discord retorts. He turns his chair so instead of being in front of the fireplace, he is now in front of a window. Discord sits down. "And that's all we have to say about irony this time, folks," he says. Behind him, through the window, we see Pinkie Pie cheerfully hopping over cars on a crowded city street, as ponies lean out their windows to shake their hooves at her and shout. "Tune in next time, when we discuss randomness!" *fwwwt*
What Could Go Wrong Part the Third: Once More With FeelingAll of the Mane 6, plus Spike and Starlight Glimmer, clustered around Twilight as she got ready to cast her new spell. "I don’t know," Starlight said. "Have we really taken enough precautions?" "No," Spike said. "No, we really haven’t." "Sure we have," Twilight said. "Look, all our friends are here to watch me cast the new spell. What could go wrong?" "I don't know about this," Spike moaned. Twilight's horn lit up. She cast the new spell. There was a flash of light, briefly, within the group. "Well?" Starlight asked eagerly. "Did it work?" "I... can’t tell." Twilight looked around. "Did anyone see what just happened?" "I was looking!" Rainbow Dash said quickly. "I totally wasn’t falling asleep because of how incredibly boring this is or anything!" "I didn’t see nothin’, sugarcube," Applejack said. "What was supposed to happen?" "Uh-oh, guys," Pinkie said. "We might wanna look at our flanks..." All the ponies turned their heads to look. Every one of them except for Twilight had had her cutie mark replaced with a picture of a neatly folded pile of laundry. "YES!" Starlight shouted. "At last, my plan has come to fruition! All these months of pretending to be your friendship student have paid off! Now that you’ve perfected the spell, I will replace every cutie mark in Equestria for a cutie mark in folding laundry! Hahahaha!" "Before you do that, how about this?" Spike said, and lugged out an improbably large pile of laundry in baskets. "This is all of Rarity’s clothes that I ran through the wash for her. Maybe before you go take over Equestria, you could fold it?" "Uh... yeah, I guess I could do that," Starlight said. "Folding some laundry seems really appealing right now." "I’ll help! Folding laundry sounds like superduperriffic fun!" "Yeah, folding laundry sounds awesome!" Fluttershy mumbled, "I’d like to help fold some laundry..." "Oh, all my beautiful clothes are so clean and they smell so nice!" Rarity enthused, holding the laundry up to her face. "Thank you so much, Spike! I’ll really enjoy folding these!" "Seems like more fun than even apple buckin’," Applejack admitted. Twilight looked around at her friends. "Spike?" "Yeah?" "Make me a checklist, and the first thing on the checklist should be 'never say "what could go wrong?"’" "What’re we gonna do about your friends? And, uh, Starlight?" "Starlight’s still my friend. Just because she’s secretly been working to force me to create a spell that could give all of Equestria the same cutie mark and thus betraying the entire purpose of friendship and reverting to her evil ways doesn’t mean she’s not still my friend. I mean, Discord was still my friend after he betrayed us to Tirek, and he didn’t have a really tragic story about how cutie marks ruined his life." Twilight sighed. "I guess I’ll have to reverse the spell. But first, don’t we have some laundry that needs folding?" "I’ll go get it," Spike said. *fwwwt* Scootaloo glanced over at Discord. "What is that weird crystally purple room they’re all in? And that big map they’re all sitting around? And who’s that unicorn who was going on about taking away everypony’s cutie marks?" "Whoops," Discord. "Spoilers!" He shrugs. "Oh well, too late now." *fwwwt* Author's Note I actually started writing this before the ending of Season 4, so most of Robot Scootaloo "takes place" during Seasons 3 and 4, inasmuch as any of them can be said to take place at any time. This is the only one that is clearly set in a later season. I wasn't originally planning this one, but come on, Starlight Glimmer needs to be made fun of. :-)
To Serve Cupcakes"Let me just get this cake frosted, and then we can go!" Pinkie said to Rainbow Dash. "Awesome," Rainbow said. "I’ve got all the whoopee cushions we ought to need!" She was looking forward to a day of pranking ponies with Pinkie. But right now, she was very, very bored. It was taking Pinkie forever to frost that cake. Desperate to find something that could distract her for a few minutes from how bored she was, Rainbow looked all around the bakery kitchen. Funny. There was a door there. She’d never noticed a door before. While Pinkie was entirely occupied with frosting a cake, Rainbow flapped over to the door and pulled it open. It was a flight of stairs down to a basement. "Wonder what’s down here," she murmured to herself. Weird that Pinkie had never told any of her friends about this. Maybe it was just the laundry room or something. At the bottom of the stairs, Rainbow flicked on the light. There was a metal table, with four straps hanging from it near each corner, and on the table there was a small pile of books. Also, a tray with scalpels and all kinds of instruments that Rainbow didn’t recognize except that they would have been a lot more appropriate for a hospital than a baker’s basement. The entire room oozed creepiness. Rainbow picked up the first book in the pile. It was covered with caked-on batter, but she was easily able to tell that the title was Making Ponies Cupcakes. Suddenly terrified, Rainbow flew upstairs. Pinkie was just finishing. "Okie dokie lokie! I’m all set!" "Yeah? What’s this?" Rainbow shoved the book in Pinkie’s face, and drew it back too fast for Pinkie to grab it. "It’s a cookbook," Pinkie said. "I have lots of them. Because I’m a baker, you know, so I kinda need to have cookbooks." "Yeah, but this one is about turning ponies into cupcakes!" "Really?" Pinkie’s eyes went wide. "Where does it say that?" "Oh, don’t play innocent," Rainbow Dash said. "I’m taking this to Twilight!" She zoomed off. Pinkie followed her at top bouncing speed. Twilight was less sympathetic than Rainbow had hoped. "Rainbow, Making Ponies Cupcakes doesn’t necessarily mean making ponies into cupcakes. It could mean making cupcakes for ponies. The Equestrian language is ambiguous like that. Why did you think Pinkie would be making ponies into cupcakes?" "Uh... because her basement is really creepy?" "Have you ever tried to frost a cake with fondant icing to look like a train? Or a bunny rabbit? Have you?" Pinkie demanded. "Working with that stuff is like sculpting. I need a lot of precision tools, and an environment where none of the other stuff I’m baking is going to get into the cake while I’m trying to sculpt it!" "Rainbow, that seems like a perfectly rational explanation to me," Twilight said. "I don’t even know why you would think our friend would want to make ponies into cupcakes." "Uh..." Suddenly realizing that the cake batter was covering a word, Rainbow knocked some of it off the cover. Now the title clearly said Making Ponies into Cupcakes. "Because of this!" Dun dun DUNN! Twilight’s eyebrows went up. "That... does look pretty bad," she admitted. "Pinkie? You want to explain this?" Pinkie giggled nervously. "Um... yeah! There’s a simple explanation for it!" There was a pause. "I’m waiting," Twilight said. "For what?" "For your simple explanation." "Oh! Right! Well, it’s like this, see—" Pinkie took the book back. "Rainbow didn’t get all the fondant off the cover! That stuff is like glue!" She pushed another blob off the cover. Now it said Making Ponies Pinto Cupcakes. Dun dun DUNN! Twilight looked up. "Do you mind? I’m trying to conduct a serious investigation here, and I really don’t need the suspense riffs." Sorry. "Pinto cupcakes?" Rainbow asked, still skeptical. "Yeah! Where we put pinto designs on the cupcake frosting! It’s especially useful if it’s a birthday party and the birthday colt or filly wants cupcakes that look like them! It’s easy to do most pony colors, but pinto is hard, so I needed a book!" "Well, that seems to settle it," Twilight said. "Rainbow, can you try not to let your imagination run away with you?" "I guess," Rainbow said. "Sorry, Pinkie." "It’s okay! I jump to silly conclusions all the time! The other day I was going to get in my gyrocopter and go yell at you that you shouldn’t feed Scootaloo to the machine that makes the rainbows or else who’s gonna watch this fanfic?" Rainbow blinked. "What?" "But then I realized that that was dumb and I was being paranoid again! But if you had been right there I totally would have yelled at you! So it’s all right!" "So no hard feelings?" "Nope! Just squishy feelings!" Pinkie hugged Rainbow. "Let me just put my book away and then we can go prank some ponies!" "Okay, sounds good." Pinkie bounced down the stairs to the basement and set the book down. It was a good thing the fondant icing on the cover made it look like the word Pony had an ies at the end instead of a y, Pinkie thought, as she set her book down next to Making Zebra Pastries and Making Griffin Scones. She used her hoof to scrape the icing off, revealing the title to be Making Pony Pinto Cupcakes. "Now, where did I put the first volume of Making Pony Cupcakes?" she murmured to herself. "Oh, right." She picked up all the books from the table and dumped them into a box labeled "Issues of Rocks Quarterly from Maud." Rainbow was never going to look in there. Then she skipped up the steps. Time to go prank ponies! Making them into cupcakes was only for special occasions. *fwwwt* Author's Note Why yes. Yes, this is more or less the same joke as the one in the Simpsons Halloween special all those years ago. Though I had to really work to make it compatible with ponies and cupcakes.
Chicken LooCyborg Scootaloo looked over at Discord with a frown on her face. "The one about the cupcakes was the first one that even mentioned me. How come none of these stories are about me?" "Because you’re the one watching them, of course," Discord said. "How can you be in the audience and also in the story?" "You’re in, like, six of them," Scootaloo retorted. "Seven if we count the running joke about the laundry cutie mark, and eight if we count the one about you turning me into a robot." "Cyborg." "Robot sounds cooler. Anyway, you’re watching them too, so if you can be in six or seven or eight of them, I can be in one or two." "Oh, all right," Discord said, and changed the channel. *fwwwt* Chicken Loo Chicken Loo, what’s the matter with you You don’t act like the other chickens do You wear a disguise to hide from pony eyes But you’re not a foal, you’re a chicken, Loo The Cutie Mark Crusaders! Three little fillies banded together on an endless quest to discover who they are and earn their cutie marks! APPLE BLOOM, a yellow earth pony with a big pink bow in her red mane, says, "Well, transcendental yoga was a complete waste of time. What’s next on the list?" SWEETIE BELLE, a white unicorn with a pale purple mane, reads from a list. "This says we haven’t tried volunteering at a foal care center. Do we want to try that one?" SCOOTALOO, a giant orange hen with a purple crest and a picture of a pony face taped to her beak, nods eagerly. And so the three friends traipse over to "Foal Me Once", the Ponyville day care center for foals below school age. Miss Merrie Mac (no relation to Apple Bloom or her big brother), the day care center director, a pony all dressed in black with silver buttons, buttons, buttons all down her back, back, back— Discord smacked the projector with his tail, hard, and it stopped stuttering. --gets the fillies (and the hen) situated taking care of the tiny foals. Most of the foals are enjoying playing with their new babysitters, but one, a little earth colt named Uncomfortable Truth, does not. "That’s not a pegasus! She’s a giant chicken!" he complains when Scootaloo tries to get him to play kickball. "Now don’t be silly," Miss Merrie Mac says. "Scootaloo was nice enough to come here to play with you." "But she’s a giant chicken! She’ll peck my eyes out!" The other foals laugh, because they think Uncomfortable Truth is telling a joke. He stomps his hoof in frustration. "I’m telling you she’s a giant chicken!" Suddenly, a gust of wind blows the picture of a pony off Scootaloo’s beak, revealing that she is, in fact – "A GIANT CHICKEN!" Uncomfortable Truth screams. "I told you so! She’s gonna peck our eyes out!" "Don’t be ridiculous," Apple Bloom says. "Why would Scootaloo want to peck your eyes out?" Sweetie Belle says, "Just because she’s a giant chicken doesn’t mean Scootaloo isn’t a great friend! You’re really hurting her feelings by saying she’s going to peck your eyes out!" Scootaloo nods. "She just wants to get her cutie mark, the same as we do," Apple Bloom says. Then they all dance and sing a song about accepting your friends even if they are giant chickens. In the middle of the song, Philomena the phoenix shows up and pecks Uncomfortable Truth’s eyes out, but no one notices because they’re too busy singing. *fwwwt*
You Didn’t See ThatI was sitting in my armchair, working on my laptop on yet another stupid tiny change the customer wanted made to their site, when I was startled by a very familiar voice close by. I looked up, and Discord was sitting there in my library. "My, my." He looked around at the various stacked boxes on top of furniture, the piles of papers heaped on every available flat surface, and the baskets of laundry everywhere. "For an amateur, you’ve managed to pull off some really nice chaos here." "Uh... thanks?" I decided not to tell him it wasn’t intentional. "I’m dreaming, right? Any minute now my dead mother will walk in and tell me to clean this room." "Not at all." He stood up. I knew Discord was tall, I even knew how tall, but I’d never really grasped how tall that tallness was. He had to bend his head to fit in the room without hitting the ceiling. Of course, on the show he does that all the time. "How would you like to travel to Equestria?" "Is this one of those things where I have to turn into a pony? Because I like being human. I really don’t want to be a pony. Besides, why would you pick me?" I gestured at myself. "I’m an overweight middle-aged human woman whose hair isn’t even red anymore unless I dye it back to its old color. Don’t you usually grab bronies in their 20s or really attractive Mary-Sue-type young women?" Discord sighed deeply. "I don’t need someone who wants to go to Equestria to romance ponies, and I don’t need someone who thinks chaos is LOL SO RANDOM. To be quite frank, I need a Twilight Sparkle, but one affiliated with chaos, not order. And in your dull, boring, magicless world, young prodigies like Twilight are rare. It’s easier to find someone intelligent and educated enough to match up against Twilight if I look at older people." "My brother’s as bright as I am and a lot more chaotic." "No, no, your brother’s a nihilist anarchist. I need someone who loves chaos because they love life and the world and the things in it, not someone who routinely questions why he ever bothered to get born." He smirked at me. "Besides, I know from your fanfic that you’re one of my biggest fans. That certainly doesn’t hurt." I blushed. Then something he’d said earlier sank in. "You’re talking as if you want me to fight Twilight. Are you reformed Discord or villain Discord?" "You heard my voice actor." He grinned. "I’m always going to be both, on some level. I do enjoy having Twilight as a friend rather than an enemy... but I need to have someone who can explain to her, with some authority, why it’s a good thing for Equestria that I occasionally unleash some harmless havoc." Considering how much I hate my job, I was convinced. Of course there wasn’t going to be Internet in Equestria and I was going to have a hard time writing fanfic, but maybe I could go back to original fiction and see if I could tell some stories that ponies would like. "Okay," I said, "you’ve Scootaloo and Discord were both startled as an overweight middle-aged woman with mostly brown hair that turned red in bright light ran into the room. "You didn’t see that!" she shouted at them. "I am a serious writer and I don’t believe in self insertions!" She grabbed the fanfic before Scootaloo could finish reading it and ran off with it. "This never happened! I was never here!" Discord looked at Scootaloo. Scootaloo looked at Discord. Both of them shrugged. *fwwwt* Author's Note Everything in this chapter is absolutely true.
Who Can Be The Biggest Woobie?Flash Sentry, dressed in a smart suit and tie, grins broadly at the studio audience. "Hello everypony! It’s time to play everyone’s favorite game show, Who Can Be the Biggest Woobie?" The audience explodes into hoofstomps. Flash gestures with one leg at the first contestant. "Over here we have Nightmare Moon! The evil version of everyone’s favorite princess, Luna!" "We are not evil! We are misunderstood!" Nightmare Moon shouts. "Yes, of course you are. And here we have Discord, Master of Chaos!" Discord struts into the room wearing black leather pants, which somehow seems a bit lewd as it draws attention to the fact that he’s not wearing anything on top, despite the fact that normally he doesn’t wear anything at all. "It’s a pleasure to be here," he says, bowing to the audience, and completely ignoring Flash. "Our next contestant just wants your love! All of it. Give it up for Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!" More hoofstomping, mostly from the back row. Flash looks out over the audience. "Oh, come on, Chrys, you can’t stack the deck like that. You! Changelings! In the back row! Sorry, but only citizens of Equestria get to be in the studio audience!" A few of Flash’s friends from the Royal Guard, wearing no armor because they’re off duty, escort the changelings in the back row out. Chrysalis scowls. "You can call me Your Majesty. Not 'Chrys.’" "Okay, Chryssie. And last but not least, the Dark Lord of Fear, King Sombra!" Dark shadows flow onto the set and coalesce into the figure of a dark grey pony with a black mane and royal regalia. "Slaves," Sombra hisses at the audience. "You will vote for me." "Now, no trying to intimidate the audience. Remember, this isn’t Who Is The Most Terrifying Villain, heh heh. On this show, villains show their vulnerable side." Flash looks out at the audience. "The rules are really simple! Each of our contestants will tell their villain story. Why did they become a villain? What personal anguish drove them into the arms of evil?" "Chaos," Discord said. "I never went into the arms of evil. Just chaos." "Evil or chaos, right. At the end, you, the audience, get to vote. Which one of these villains is more justified in their villainy? Who is the most likely to be a poor, misunderstood creature, sad and hurting inside, who only ever really needed a sympathetic ear? Who—" a dramatic drum roll echoed through the set. –"can be, the Biggest! Woobie!" The audience goes wild with hoofstomps. Chrysalis looks at the other villains. "Remind me why I decided to participate in this idiocy again?" "The prize..." Sombra hissed. "That’s right!" Flash says. "The prize is one week to indulge in your villainy! Or to take solace in the embrace of a sympathetic pony, if that’s what you prefer. Or both! Once you’ve proven yourself to be the Biggest Woobie, ponies will be falling all over themselves to justify every bad thing you did and sympathize with you completely!" "And admit that I am the superior princess to my sister, and revel in the beauty of my night," Nightmare Moon says. "Yes, that too." Flash attempts to lift into the air, realizes that his suit is impeding his wings, and stops flapping them. "Now, just to mix things up a bit, we’re going to go in reverse chronological order. So let’s start with you, King Sombra! Why are you a villain?" "My kind, the Umbrum, left me with the Crystal Ponies as a foal," Sombra says, hissing the words, with reverberations. "All alone, an orphan, charged with a task that a lesser pony might have seen as insurmountable. It is my destiny to free the Umbrum from where they are imprisoned, deep beneath the earth." "Okay! Now tell us why we should sympathize with you! You want to release evil shadow ponies who are imprisoned underground to take over the Crystal Empire?" "The Umbrum are not evil!" Sombra shouts, forgetting to hiss. "We are as capable of either good or evil as any pony. But we are creatures of shadow. Light destroys and burns. The Crystal Empire was to be our homeland... we and we alone are the true Crystal Ponies. We are made of crystalline magic." "Doesn’t the name 'shadow pony’ imply that you’re evil, though? I mean you use dark magic." Nightmare Moon glares. "This is exactly the sort of luxism that I have come to expect from ponies! As if darkness can only represent evil, and only light can represent goodness!" "That’s a great speech, Princess, but do keep in mind you’re helping your opponent here," Flash reminds her. "Oh. Right." Nightmare Moon shuts up. "But she is right," Sombra growls. "I was an innocent foal, a child no more tainted with good nor evil than any other, but every year during the celebration of the Crystal Heart, I endured agony. While other foals were all about, playing and enjoying their celebration, I was confined to a bed, unable to eat, or read, or sleep, or do anything except contemplate the terrible pain I was suffering. And then I learned from our beloved Princess, Amore—" He spits. "Your Majesty, that’s really unsanitary, and unsightly besides. Try to avoid doing that if you want to win ponies over." "I apologize for my crudeness," Sombra says. "But her very name disgusts me, even now. She knew. She knew my kind were trapped below the surface, imprisoned there by the Crystal Heart. She knew what I was. She knew why I suffered every year during the celebration. And she did nothing! I stood before her, an example of how Umbrum ponies can be wholly innocent, but still she persisted in the belief that because the Crystal Heart harms us, we are by necessity evil. And so my people – the mother and father I have never seen, the brothers and sisters I may have, any of my kind – are trapped in their crystal forms, imprisoned by ponies. So I took over the Crystal Empire! I enslaved ponies to force them to dig my race free! It was fitting, as it was their ancestors who trapped the Umbrum there! Would not any of you have done the same, if it were your family wrongly imprisoned?" He sweeps his hoof out to the audience. Many ponies in the audience are crying in sympathy. Discord is dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief. "I’m not crying! I’ve just got little bits of black crystal dust in my eye!" "That’s an amazing story," Flash says. "Really hits you in the heart. Our other contestants are going to have to work hard to top that one!" He turns to Chrysalis. "Queen Chrysalis. What’s your story?" "Sombra speaks of family trapped underground, that he’s never known," Chrysalis says. "But Sombra has no foals of his own. He has no idea what it’s like to be a parent, watching your children starve." She looks out at the audience. "Every one of my changelings is my child! Other villains may have minions, or servants. I have my own sweet changeling foals. It’s my responsibility to make sure they are well fed with love... but ponies are stingy with their love. Ponies won’t love us in our true forms; they call us horrible names. Bugs. Cheeselegs. Cockroaches." "Cockroaches is fitting," Nightmare Moon says. "You’ll get your turn, Princess. Please be quiet while the other contestants tell their stories," Flash says. "So how, exactly, does invading Equestria get you love?" "Ponies in a Changeling cocoon aren’t harmed," Chrysalis says defensively. "They dream within, even with their eyes open, that they’re with the ones they most love. A beautiful dream of idyllic times with their loved ones, in exchange for providing food to my starving children. How is that such a terrible thing to do?" "Sure, but did you try asking for love?" "Does that work if you try it?" Chrysalis retorts. "Oh, I know what love you feel, Flash Sentry. Have you ever thought of going up to Twilight Sparkle and simply saying 'please love me?’ Do you think that could possibly work?" "Uh, actually, Princess Twilight is cute and all but I’m certainly not in love with her..." "DON’T CONTRADICT ME! I’m a Changeling! Of course I know what love you hold in your heart! You love Twilight Sparkle! Everyone says so!" "Okay, but... I actually don’t? Anyway this isn’t about me! Fellow ponies, first we’ve heard from a pony whose entire family, entire race, is imprisoned, who was just trying to rescue them! Now we’ve heard from a mother who’ll take desperate measures to feed her children! Can you decide between them? I sure can’t!" "Ahem," Discord says. He is suddenly looming over Flash Sentry. "I do believe it’s not time to judge any villain’s story just yet. Not until we’ve all taken a turn." "You’re absolutely right! So Discord, if you can just get back to your podium, and start telling us your story! Why did you become a villain?" "I was trapped in stone, for more than a thousand years," Discord says. "Sombra goes on and on about how his people are trapped as crystals. Well, in my case, I was the one who had to suffer through being imprisoned as a statue! More than a thousand years, unable to see, or smell, or feel, or move. More than a thousand years of being able to hear ponies, but never being able to speak to them. Can any of you imagine how lonely and horrible that was?" "I can," Nightmare Moon says. "Oh, you could at least see. Even if there was nothing to see but the surface of the moon. I’d have given my left toe to see the moon!" "Your left foot is the goat hoof. You don’t even have a toe." "Princess, I’m going to have to ask you to not interrupt during Discord’s story," Flash says. "So go on. You were trapped in a horrible imprisonment." "And for what?" Discord asks, impassioned. "A little chaos? Making fish swim through the air? Making cotton candy clouds rain chocolate milk? A little bit of world redecoration here and there? How does anything I did justify turning me to stone for more than a thousand years?" Nightmare Moon is visibly struggling with the urge to say something. "Is a little chaos really so terrible?" "So you’ve been through some really painful hardships," Flash says. "But what made you turn to villainy in the first place? Why did you decide to take over Equestria and plunge it into chaos?" Discord shrugs. "I like chaos." He doesn’t elaborate. Flash stares at him. "That’s it? You like chaos?" "I really really really like chaos." "Ok, but Sombra was trying to free his race, including his parents. And Chrysalis is trying to feed her starving children. You... didn’t have anything driving you to make chaos? Maybe ponies taunting you for not being a pony? Maybe Princess Celestia turned you down for a date? Maybe you were feeling lonely and rejected because ponies don’t like chaos and wouldn’t let you be friends with them? Or maybe ponies called you a monster and tried to kill you?" Discord shrugs again. "No, nothing like that. I just like chaos." He looks out at the audience. "But don’t forget, I was turned to stone! And left that way in a garden! Where birds could poop on my head!" "Okay then." Flash shakes his head disbelievingly. "Let’s go to our last contestant. Nightmare Moon! Tell us the story of how you transformed from Princess Luna into the mare you are today." Nightmare Moon points her hoof at Discord. "Yes, but can I just point out how absolutely biased and nonsensical Discord’s explanation of his history is?" "Princess..." "Because it’s my turn to speak now, and that miscreant is claiming that he did nothing harmful! Ponies lived in terror of the constant changes he’d make!" "Princess..." "He once cast a spell to make every door a random teleport gateway, and scattered families and friends across all of Equestria, separating ponies who thought to live together forever, such that they never saw their loved ones again!" "Oh, that was a good one," Discord says, reminiscing fondly. "The chaos I got from that one simple spell..." "And he’s not even remorseful in the slightest!" "PRINCESS!" Flash shouts to get her attention. "This is your turn to talk about yourself. Not about your opinions of Discord." Discord sticks out his tongue at her and waggles it. Nightmare Moon looks as if she’s going to try to blast him, but then sighs. "Of course. He is beneath Our notice. We will tell you the story." She looks out at the audience. "It was Celestia’s duty to bring the day, and rule over it; mine to bring the night, and the moon. But ponies don’t appreciate the night. Or the moon. None came to my court to petition me for a redress of wrongs; they went to Celestia. None sought audience with me; all they cared for was currying favor with Celestia. In my own court, I might as well have been invisible. At night, ponies closed their doors and barred their windows, and slept. None of them even looked at the stars I placed in the night sky!" "That does sound bad," Flash says. "But ponies are creatures that sleep at night. Can you really blame them?" "YES! They could have held revels at night under the moon, instead of in closed buildings lit by mage-lights and candles. But they didn’t care! Worse, they feared the darkness! Just as Sombra said earlier, ponies thought that light meant goodness and dark meant only evil, and they hid themselves away from the beauty I created, warding themselves from evil, as if evil cannot walk under daylight! As if corrupt nobles who sought to deceive my sister and win favors for themselves over the peasants they ruled did not make their plans, and carry them out, during daylight! I spoke to Celestia... but she thought this the natural order of things. She would do nothing, nothing, to ensure my fair share of the honors due us both. And when we spoke together in council, oftentimes she overruled me! As if I were the little, foalish sister who knows nothing of the serious business of governing a nation!" Nightmare Moon is trembling with her fury. "They say I was jealous. When your birthright is stolen from you, when you are ignored and treated as if you are of no import and the person who supposedly loves you plainly loves their own glory more, is it jealousy to see the unfairness, to want to snatch your rightful due back? Or is it righteous rage?" "Wow. That is certainly a story. The worst I ever got into with my sister was whether she remembered to put the lid back on the toothpaste!" Flash chuckles. "And then. And then, for the crime of wanting what I should be rights have been granted, she banished me to the moon for a thousand years!" Nightmare Moon cries. "Discord whines about his imprisonment, but as much of a hardship as it must have been for him to be unable to talk—" The audience laughs. Nightmare Moon smirks. "—he could at least hear ponies. He may have been lonely, but he was not alone. I had no company at all but my own, for a thousand years! Nothing to do but look into the sky and see the birthright that was taken from me!" "That’s a really tragic story," Flash says. "And then!" "NOW it’s time to vote!" Flash says, very loudly, before Nightmare Moon can start ranting again. "Who’s it going to be, fillies and gentlecolts? Who has the saddest, most relatable story? The princess betrayed by her subjects and her own sister?" He gestures at Nightmare Moon. "The queen whose subjects are her children, who only wanted to feed them like a mother should? The king who did everything to free his imprisoned race? Or..." Flash makes a face. "The guy who really liked chaos?" "That’s a rather biased way of putting it," Discord complains. "Hey, buddy, those are your own words. So! Everypony’s got a ballot! Mark off who you think is the Biggest Woobie, and put it in the basket that’s being passed around! In just a few minutes, we’ll know which villain is the most sympathetic!" Music plays in the background as the ballots are collected. Finally the result is presented to Flash in an envelope. "Let’s see who’s got the saddest story, ponies! Who’s it going to be? The King? The Queen? The Princess?" He pulls out the slip and stares at it. Then he stares at it some more. Then he turns to the pony who brought him the envelope. "Are we sure this is the correct result?" "They recounted the votes three times. It wasn’t a small margin, either." Flash sighs deeply. "Well then. The winner of the Who Can Be The Biggest Woobie... the most sympathetic villain, according to our audience... is... Discord, Master of Chaos!" The audience starts stomping their hooves wildly. Discord teleports to the edge of the set. "Thank you! Thank you! I love you all! You’re a great audience!" "What?" Nightmare Moon asks. "How can that be?" "What precautions were taken to keep him from cheating?" Sombra growls. "Yes, this must be cheating," Chrysalis says. "I’m a mother feeding her children! His only excuse was that he just likes chaos!" "Oh, but you’re all forgetting something," Discord says, turning back to his fellow villains. He waggles his hips, strutting and turning so they can see every part of his lower body encased in tight black leather. "I was destined to win from the beginning. None of you had any hope, not against my surefire strategy." "What would that be?" Nightmare Moon snarls. "You had nothing to recommend you! All of us had sadder stories than yours, and the imprisonment you suffered was akin to my own! There’s no reason anyone should be more sympathetic to you than to the rest of us!" "Oh yes there is," Discord says, smirking. He turns and bows to the audience again, which has the side effect of waggling his butt and his tail in his opponents’ faces. Over his shoulder he turns back to them. "I am the Draconequus in Leather Pants." Sombra simply looks confused. Chrysalis facehoofs. Nightmare Moon turns distinctly purple. "This is outrageous! We pour out our hearts, expose our vulnerable side, only to lose because of a bad joke about a TV Trope?" Discord continues to strut around the stage, drinking in the approval of his audience, taunting his opponents, and showing off his prizewinning leather pants. The other villains continue to shout at him. As they bicker, Flash Sentry loses his psychotically huge smile, walks toward the window on the side of the soundstage, and with a running start and a flap or two of not-fully-restrained wings, flings himself through the window. One of the camera ponies runs to the window. "Flash! You okay out there?" "I’m all right," we hear him groan. "I forgot we were on the first floor." "Uh... but considering you can’t really fly with that suit on, isn’t that a good thing?" "No," Flash moans. *fwwwt* Author's Note This one almost got serious. Almost. Show of hands: Who knew Discord was going to win as soon as his pants were described? I'm using the comic book history for Sombra because it does kind of make him a woobie. Or at least slightly sympathetic. I do not ship FlashLight. I also have nothing against Flash Sentry, either version. I just don't think the pony version has any real connection to Twilight whatsoever. He's smiled at her, like, twice. That's not a grand romance.
Bok Bok Bok~~Cyborg~~ Robot Scootaloo stands on stage, dressed in purple leg warmers on all four knees, and a yellow, purple and bright red outfit made of highly reflective vinyl on her torso, with sharp, spiked, almost knifelike protrusions from her withers. The main body of her outfit is purple; the yellow serves as piping and as large lightning bolt designs in the center and on the wither pads, with a bright red thread running down the center of the lightning bolt on her front. Her mane has been moussed to stand up straight from her head in spikes. She is standing on her hind legs, and she holds an electric guitar that frankly looks more like a weapon of some sort, the rounded curves one would normally find on a guitar replaced with jagged points. It is bright neon green and orange. There are several spotlights shining on her. In back of her, a pink fog that smells of chocolate is lit up eerily by multiple colored spotlights, making the draconequus on the pipe organ loom as an unworldly shadow. "Do I really have to sing this?" Scootaloo complains to the looming, shadowy draconequus. "I’m so tired of the chicken jokes." "It’s the ending credits theme, of course you have to sing it that way. If you want to punch it up some though, I wouldn’t object." "Okay then." Scootaloo strums the first note on her electric guitar. Badly. It actually sounds more like a cross between a guitar and a violin, amped up to 12 on a scale of 1 to 10, with a decided screech to it. The pipe organ begins to play. On the most technical of levels, the two instruments are playing the same song. Technically. Then Scootaloo begins to sing, at the top of her lungs, while thrashing her head as if she’s in a mosh pit. "Bok bok BOK!! Bu-bok bok BOK!!!!! Bok bok BOKKA BOKKA bok bok bok" The guitar screeches. The pipe organ plays ominously. "BOK bok BOK!!!! Bu-BOK BOK BOK!!!!! BOK BOK BOKKA BOKKA bok bok bok" Scootaloo riffs on the guitar. It... sounds as if maybe she’s trying to play a different song. "I DON’T NEED YOUR CHICKEN JOKES I HEAR THEM ALL THE TIME FROM FOLKS THEY’RE SO OVERDONE I FEEL LIKE I COULD CHOKE I DON’T NEED YOUR CHICKEN JOKES" Another, lengthier guitar riff that sounds rather as if three tomcats fighting over the same female all crawled into a clothes dryer to fight each other and then the dryer was turned on. The pipe organ plays dramatically, if not exactly in anything resembling harmony with the guitar. There are now three giant chickens with microphones behind her, singing backup. Scootaloo screams into her microphone. "BOK bok BOK!!!! Bu-BOK BOK BOK!!!!! B-BOK BOK BOKKA BOKKA bok bok bok" Finally, with a screech from the guitar, Scootaloo shrieks a final "BOK!!!!" into the mike. All the notes on the pipe organ slam together at once. Discord’s voice is heard, singing one singular "Bok". The curtain falls. Author's Note Robot Chicken End Theme The riff Scootaloo does on chicken jokes is a parody of "Civil War" by Guns 'n Roses.
The Other Kind of Griffins In EquestriaA small white colt with no mane, wearing a red shirt, appears without warning on the outskirts of Ponyville, holding a strange box. The colt looks around himself. "Hmm. A nice enough place, it seems… but somehow I've turned into a horse in this dimension!" A booming male voice says, "Actually, I think that's a pony." The colt looks around himself. "Brian? Brian, is that you? Brian, where are you?" "Stewie. Look up," Brian says. Stewie looks up… and up… and up… tracking the enormous form of the gigantic white dragon that his friend has transformed into. "Hey, Stewie. How about giving me that box? This place seems kind of cool!" "No," says Stewie, and presses the button. The colt and the dragon vanish. fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Family Guy: Road to the Multiverse (the link kind of sucks, it's a camera copy, but it's the best reference I could find.) Also references Twilight becoming a human and Spike becoming a dog in Equestra Girls.
Luna the LUMBERJACKPrincess Luna, in full regalia, strides out onto a stage, followed by the Mane 6. Luna cries out in an impassioned voice, "We never truly wished to be Princess of the Night! We wished to be... A LUMBERJACK!" Cue the music! LUNA (sings): I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay I work all night and I sleep all day MANE 6 (sings): She's a lumberjack and she's okay She works all night and she sleeps all day LUNA (sings): I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavat'ry On Wednesdays I go to Ponyville And party with Pinkie MANE 6 (sings): She cuts down trees, she eats 'er lunch She goes to the lavat'ry On Wednesdays she goes to Ponyville And parties with Pinkie PINKIE (jumps out of the group and directly into the camera for a moment): That's me! (LUNA)/MANE 6 (sings): (I'm) She's a lumberjack and (I'm) she's okay (I work) She works all night and (I sleep) she sleeps all day! LUNA (sings): I cut down trees, I fly loop-de-loops I lie back and gaze at stars I dress up in tarty clothing And hang around in bars MANE 6 (sings): She cuts down trees, she flies in loops she lays back to gaze at stars She.. dresses in tarty clothing And hangs around in bars?? (LOOKING AT EACH OTHER IN PUZZLEMENT) (LUNA)/MANE 6 (RECOVERING, SINGING CHEERFULLY): (I'm) She's a lumberjack and (I'm) she's okay (I work) She works all night and (I sleep) she sleeps all day! LUNA (sings): I cut down trees I wear short skirts Socks and underwear I wish I'd been a human With tits way out to there (GESTURES WITH HOOVES) MANE 6 (sings): She's a lumberjack... what? (NO LONGER SINGING) RAINBOW: Did she just actually say "tits"? FLUTTERSHY: Oh dear... RARITY: Socks and underwear? (FAINTS) APPLEJACK: Oh hayll no! (STOMPS OFF STAGE) TWILIGHT (horrified): Oh, Princess! I thought you were so innocent! (RUNS AWAY CRYING) (Pan to side, where we see DISCORD, leering, running a camera.) DISCORD (GLEEFULLY): Luna! Do go on! CELESTIA (HITS DISCORD ON HEAD WITH FRYING PAN): No one leers at my sister! Even if she is a tart! DISCORD (DIZZILY): Blueberry or blackberry? (FALLS OVER) fwwwt Author's Note Parody of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song.
Apple Bloom Can Change“Ah am tired of your irresponsibility, young filly!” Applejack shouted at her sister. “You took our cart for market day and tried ta turn it into some kinda Ah don’t even know what—" “We were hoping to get cutie marks in building parade floats!” Apple Bloom protested. “We didn’t mean for the cart to get all smashed up!” “You fillies ruined all of Rarity’s perfumes—" “Um, yeah. Cutie Mark Crusaders Perfume Mixers didn’t work out real well, I admit—" “You nearly burned down Sugarcube Corner—" “But Pinkie Pie said it was ok for us to try to get our cutie marks in baking!” “She didn’t say it was okay to try to bake explosives into the cupcakes!” “It was just fireworks…” “Ah have had it up to here with your shenanigans, young missy! Over and over again you and your friends near-on wreck Ponyville, and all you ever have to say for yourself is ‘Ah’m sorry, sis, we were jest tryin’ ta get our cutie marks!' Well, you don’t get to wreck everypony else’s life jest because you want ta get yer cutie marks, ya understand?” “I—I understand, sis.” Apple Bloom tried not to cry, not too successfully. “Ah don’t even know why Ah bother. We have this argument again and again and you never change yer ways. Ah’m beginning to think you can’t change, Apple Bloom.” “I can! I can so!” Apple Bloom wiped her hoof across her face, blotting away the tears. “Give me a chance, sis! Let me show you how I can change!” “Oh, this had better be good,” Applejack said. A strange sound filled the air. The sound of whirring gears and clanking motors. Before Applejack’s horrified eyes, the small pony in front of her morphed, transforming with the sound of clanging metal into a tall bipedal robot. “See! I can change!” the Apple Bloom robot pleaded. “Oh, Ah am so outta here,” Applejack muttered, and stormed off. Apple Bloom called after her sister, pleadingly, “I can turn into a boombox as well!” fwwwt Author's Note No direct relationship to any stories I've seen on Fimfiction; this parody references a skit from the Mr. Hell Show, and the general fan consensus that Apple Bloom has a taste for engineering.
Fluttershy and Discord Take Over EquestriaFluttershy and Discord Take Over Equestria "Fluttershy, I'm so bored," Discord whined, hanging upside down from Fluttershy's ceiling with a teacup in hand. "Nopony ever lets me do anything fun!" "Um, well, there was something I was thinking we might do together?" Fluttershy murmured. "Only if you'd like to, of course." Discord righted himself and poofed into a chair. "You have an idea? Let me guess, figure skating!" Shining, spangly skates appeared in his paw, as a skater's outfit materialized on his body. "Oh, no, no, that, I mean, we could fall in the ice cold water and drown, or disturb the little fishies sleeping under the ice, and it's so cold. No, no, I wouldn't want to do that." "Hmm. Perhaps... bowling?" Now he was holding a bright yellow bowling ball with butterfly-shaped holes. "Oh, bowling just seems so violent. I always feel so sorry for the poor pins," Fluttershy said. "Well, what did you have in mind then, my dear?" "Well..." She ducked her head, shyly, her face almost disappearing under her mass of mane. "I was thinking... only if it's not too much trouble... it might be a little bit fun to take over Equestria?" Cut to Fluttershy standing on Princess Celestia's balcony, an alicorn's lengthy horn on her forehead and her long pink mane sparkling as it flows in the breeze. Directly behind her is Discord, petting a purple cat with darker purple and pink markings on her tail and the top of her head, and next to Fluttershy is a large bird cage, containing a white bird with magnificent pastel rainbow plumage on its head, and a dark blue bird with a pale blue headcrest. The birds are tweeting at her aggressively, but Fluttershy ignores them. "Well, go on," Discord says. "You're the ruler of Equestria now. Give them a speech!" "Oh, no," Fluttershy whimpers. "I didn't know taking over Equestria meant I had to give speeches!" A disgruntled Celestia is reading a letter. Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that with great power comes great responsibility. Just because I can tell Discord to take over Equestria for me doesn't mean I actually want to do the work of ruling. Standing up in public in front of all those ponies... oh, that felt terrible. That's why I have had Discord turn you back into ponies and gave you Equestria back. But just remember that if the royal grants for Ponyville animal care get cut again... I'm still Discord's best friend. Sincerely, Fluttershy. *fwwwt*
Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings.Author's Note Yes, I know that is not how her last name is spelled. Read the damn chapter. Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings. Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings. Special Agent Lyra Harpstrings – aka Agent 444, because 4 is the Neighponese code for death -- drove the red convertible sports car down the highway at approximately 110 miles per hour, every so often turning her head to fire a bolt of magic at the thugs pursuing her. Sitting next to her in the passenger seat, the human secret agent Rock Hardt thrust his long, stiff weapon out the side of the convertible, spurting hot lead at their pursuers. "Lyra! They're still gaining on us!" "Horsefeathers!" She pulled up a communication window on her dashboard. "W, the enemy are in hot pursuit! Have you got anything for us?" The W department created all the inventions for Her Highness' Extradimensional Secret Service (or HHESS for short). W, the head of the department, appeared on the screen. He was a brown earth pony with an hourglass for a cutie mark. Harpstrings knew his real name, but by regulation the code name for the head of the W department was always W (W stood for "What the hay is that thing?", which was usually what ponies not in the know said about W department's inventions.) "Agent 444, there's a pair of wings hanging from your rear view mirror, where you normally keep the fuzzy dice. See them?" "Yes." "Pull on them! That should help you out!" "Lyra, they're getting closer!" Rock Hardt screamed. "Here goes nothing!" Harpstrings pulled on the little wings hanging from the mirror. In an instant, the car grew wings and began to climb into the sky, like a pegasus. Soon the two agents had left their pursuit behind. "Wow," Rock panted, "that was amazing, Lyra!" "Not as amazing as you were, Rock," Harpstrings purred, and pulled him into a kiss. For several minutes the two agents of different species made out passionately in the front seat of the red convertible, until finally it landed near the reactor. "Here's my stop," Harpstrings said. "Right. You go and stop Dr. Nopony! I'll hold off the guards!" Rock said. "Right!" Harpstrings got out of the car and headed for the secret entrance to the reactor. "Oh, and come back safe!" Rock shouted, and winked at her. "We've got unfinished business!" "Believe me, I haven't forgotten," Harpstrings said in a sultry voice, then galloped to the secret entrance. At the entrance she met Dick Longo, a human man in short, ripped jeans and a white t-shirt that clung to every muscled curve of his torso with sweat. He shook his head, letting his shaggy blonde locks fall out of his eyes. "Agent 444. I've been expecting you." His eyes traveled over her body. "I have to admit, I didn't expect the deadly agent 444 to be such an... attractive mare." "And I didn't expect our mole in Dr. Nopony's organization to be such a handsome man," Harpstrings said. "Where's Dr. Nopony?" "I can take you to her. She and her cat are in the control room." Dick Longo used his ID to get himself and Harpstrings past all the base's traps. Harpstrings watched his fine, toned leg muscles and glutes flex in front of her as he moved. The human male body was so amazing, Harpstrings thought. "I have to thank you, Dick. With you helping out, this hasn't been hard at all!" "Oh, I don't know," he said teasingly. "It seems plenty hard from my end." "Maybe my end just isn't aware of how hard it is for you," Harpstrings replied. "Maybe you'd better show my end your... perspective." Dick grinned. "Maybe later," he said. Soon Dick and Harpstrings were at the control room. Harpstrings entered with her horn lit up. "Freeze, Dr. Nopony!" Dr. Nopony was a human woman, which was why she was called Dr. Nopony, because she wasn't a pony. She had pale white skin and long, luxuriant locks of shining indigo mane, or rather, what humans call hair, and she was wearing an extremely fashionable dress. She was sitting in a chair, petting her white, fluffy cat. "Lyra Harpstrings. How good of you to come visit," she said. And then Dick Longo put an antimagic ring on Harpstring's horn. "What—" Harpstring heard many clicking sounds as the faceless thugs all over the control room pointed their guns at her, and she was helpless, unable to stop them without her magic. "NO! Dick, you traitor!" "I'm not a traitor, I'm a spy," Dick said. "Your organization thought they could turn me, but my loyalty was really always to Dr. Nopony." He went over to the villain and kissed her in a passionate clinch, pressing her tall, beautiful body against his firm, strong torso. Harpstrings felt a surge of hatred and jealousy. Why did ~~mares~~ women like that get all the hot guys? "You see, Harpstrings?" Dr. Nopony giggled. "A little pony like you could never be good enough for a real man like my Dick, here. I can always count on my Dick to stand up for me whenever I need him." She kissed him again. "I'd kill you right this moment, but first I want to make you watch me enjoying my Dick. And then I'm going to set off the reactor in front of you and destroy all of this big human city we're in!" "You monster!" Harpstrings said. "You'll never get away with this!" "On the contrary, my dear, I already have," Nopony said, smirking. "Now watch me making kissyface with the man you wanted, and try not to let it get you too hot under the collar... or anywhere else." She chuckled and turned back to Dick. Harpstrings noticed that the soldiers holding their guns on her were actually all staring at Nopony and Dick Longo kissing, and not really looking at her. With a small stomp of her hoof, she activated another W invention – an inflatable hand, just like a human one, attached to her hoof like a sock. As soon as the hand had inflated, she reached up and easily plucked the ring off her horn with it. "Hey, Nopony!" Harpstrings shouted. "I hear you're feeling horny. Well, so am I!" Nopony turned, and gasped, seeing that Harpstrings' anti-magic ring was off. "Noooo!" As Harpstrings fired a bolt of laser-like magic at Nopony, Dick Longo jumped in the way, protecting his boss... with his life. The bolt burned right through his heart. "Well, he was a Dick, but his heart was in the right place," Harpstrings quipped. "Right in front of my magic." "You'll never stop the reactor meltdown now!" Dr. Nopony cackled. Harpstrings looked up just in time to see her getting away on a gyrocopter she was pedaling rapidly. Harpstrings fired at her, but the gyrocopter was spinning wildly, so her bolts just kept hitting the structural supports. Within moments, Dr. Nopony was gone. Harpstrings quickly killed all the goons in the room and trotted to the control panel. Reactor meltdown was imminent! There was only one thing to do. She pulled her final W invention out of her saddlebag – a magical crystal containing a miniature black hole – and tossed it into the reactor, where the radiation activated the crystal. Soon the entire reactor started to be pulled into the black hole. Harpstrings raced back the way she came, only blasting down doors with her horn instead of trying to stealthily slip through them, this time. As soon as she got out, the entire building was sucked with a shooop into the crystal. Rock Hardt, who by now had lost most of his clothes to random gunfire that had just ripped his clothing but hadn't actually hit him personally and was covered with sweat, ran over to her. "Lyra! You made it!" "Of course I did," Harpstrings said, embracing him tightly. "After all—" Bon Bon put the papers down. Eagerly, her roommate Lyra Heartstrings asked, "What did you think? It's not quite done, I still have to add the sex scene at the end—" "Sex scene?" "Don't worry, it'll be tasteful." "It's between a mare and a mythological alien monster, how's that ever going to be tasteful?" "Okay, fine, but setting aside the sex scene I haven't written yet, what did you think?" "This is the most unbearably trite and unrealistic portrayal of a secret agent I've ever seen." Bon Bon dropped the papers on the couch, hard. Lyra pouted. "Oh, like you would know what being a secret agent is like?" For some reason Bon Bon sweatdropped. "Uh... no! No, of course I don't know what being a secret agent is really like, not at all! It's not like I'm a secret agent myself or something, haha, that would be ridiculous!" She took a deep breath. "It's just that this story is garbage, Lyra. I mean, this is the most transparent self-insert ever." "It is not! See, her name is Harpstrings. Harp-strings. And my name is Heartstrings. Totally different!" Bon Bon facehooved. "You know what... fine. It's great. Publish it all over Equestria. If Fifty Shades of Neigh can sell well, maybe you can sell this too." "Yay! I knew you'd love it." *fwwwt*
Discord Gets His Cutie MarkDiscord was sitting in his thinking tree, sipping at a straw that was not attached to a drink, or anything. A bright flash of light startled him. He looked down. "Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me." On the haunch of his goat leg, there was a picture of a neatly folded pile of laundry. *fwwwt*
