“RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!”
Twilight awoke to the sound of her alarm clock. She struggled to keep her eyes open as the sound of the alarm clock annoyingly continued to ring very loudly.
“RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!”
Twilight tried her hardest to let her mind return to sleep, but the alarm clock wasn’t going to let her return to the land of her subconscious anytime soon.
“RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!”
Twilight gave in. There was no way she was getting back to sleep anytime soon. The alarm clock had won the battle and completed its intended purpose.
“RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-”
The alarm clock was cut off from ringing by a shot from Twilight’s horn. What had been an alarm clock was no more as Twilight had effectively turned it into a pile of dust.
Twilight yawned as she stretched out her limbs. After successfully stretching, she jumped out of her bed onto her four hooves, and decided to start going directly downstairs. As she stepped downstairs, she saw that her assistant Spike was nowhere to be found. She didn’t think too much on it though. Spike was just one of the many disposable things she owned.
After going through her regular routine in the bathroom, Twilight went to the kitchen to see what Spike was cooking up for her. Twilight showed only pure disappointment on her face as she saw that the kitchen was empty.
“Spike!!!” Twilight yelled. “Where are you?!”
No response from anywhere in the library.
“Spike! Get down here now! You know that I can’t cook anything and unlike you, I don’t like being hungry!”
Still no response.
Twilight groaned loudly. Seeing her attempts to call her ~~slave~~ assistant to be fruitless and realizing that the last time she tried to cook food, she nearly burned down the house, she decided that she needed to find Spike if she ever wanted some food. Twilight decided that since Spike never responded to her calls, he must not be in the house. With this in mind, she left the kitchen and headed for the front door.
What she found outside would be not only terrifying to the typical bystander, but also somewhat confusing to them. The skies were as red as the coldest sun, but you couldn’t really tell unless you focused hard enough because a giant layer of smoke covered the atmosphere. Half the ponies were brain dead, only lying down as they smoked something in their hooves while the other half were dead completely, walking around and muttering things in a language Twilight could not understand.
Of course Twilight was oblivious to this at first as she remembered that she forgot something.
“Oh wait a second!” Twilight said as she returned back into the library. “I forgot to check off the calendar for today.” She trotted over to the calendar on the wall and found a pen nearby before drawing a big, red X on the current day.
“Today’s Sunday, April 20th.” Twilight threw away her pen in an random direction, not noticing the the loud commotion the pen made, before returning back to the front door.
She stood on the front porch of the library, again not noticing the crazy crap going on in front of her. “Now that the calendar has been taken care of, I can finally return to finding my trusted assistant who is totally not my slave and tell him to make me some breakfast.”
It took until now for Twilight to realize what was going on in front of her. However, crazier crap has happened before so Twilight didn’t think much of the current situation. She looked around for anypony who could possibly help her with her hunger pains.
She found one of the undead ponies just standing there, not doing anything. Of course, Twilight’s lack of general logic, she didn’t think anything of the zombie pony and instead directly asked her “Excuse me miss, could you help me find a baby dragon? About yea high,” Twilight indicated how tall Spike was with her hoof. “I need him to make me breakfast.”
The zombie pony remained unfazed as Twilight asked her about Spike.
“Hello? Are you listening to me?”
The zombie pony turned to Twilight before yelling, “Heil!” and then walking away.
Twilight was rather upset at the zombie’s response. “Hmph! Some ponies can be so rude.”
This setback didn’t hinder Twilight on her quest to find her breakfast maker. She continued to look around for someone to help her find Spike. As she continued her search, she found that most of the zombie ponies she talked to yielded similar results as the first one.
After 10 minutes of talking to the undead, Twilight was getting even more unhappy with her progress. “Ugh! No pony knows anything!” She faced a large group of the zombies. “Why are all of you so fucking stupid?!?!” She received the same response she got from talking to dozens of zombies: general disinterest.
Twilight finally realized that the undead weren’t going to help her with her search. Instead of asking yet another zombie, she decided to ask someone who was smoking instead.
Just like the zombie ponies, the smoking ponies remained unfazed as Twilight approached them. “Excuse me, could you help me find a baby dragon?”
Twilight got a much better response compared to the zombies. Instead of completely ignoring her, the smoker took his mouth out of his strange glass device and looked up at Twilight. He squinted his red eyes for a bit before responding. “...woah dude. Wassup?”
“Oh good. Finally somepony who responds. Hello, I’m looking for a baby dragon who goes by the name of Spike. He’s my assistant and I need him to-”
“...dude, chill,” The pony said, cutting Twilight off from finishing her sentence. “...you talk like, way too much.”
Twilight was mildly annoyed by the smoker’s response. “Um…”
“...look bro, you should, like totally, you know chill man. You should really try this shit. It makes you feel real good. This shit is like, the shit man..." He grabbed his glass device and offered it to Twilight.
"I don't want your... whatever it is you have been smoking. I just want to find my assistant Spike." Twilight said as she gave back the pony his glass thing.
"...Spike? Is he that dragon guy that went with the king?"
"Was he short, purple and green?!"
"...like that scary fucker Barney?"
"Um... maybe? Where did he go?"
"...huh?"
"Where did the dragon go?"
"...oh that. Yeah, he went like, over there," he pointed his hoof toward a bench. On that bench was a man who could only be described as "the King." He was known by many names: Calvin, Snoop Lion, /u/here_comes_the_king, but he was universally known to the whole world as Snoop Dogg.
Twilight saw as Snoop sat at the bench with his legs crossed, smoking much, much more than what the guy Twilight was talking to smoked. He only smiled as he continued to smoke.
Twilight left the pothead back to his business and went over to the bench Snoop Dogg sat at.
"Hello, I'm looking for a baby dragon. His name is Spike an-"
For the second time today, Twilight was cut off from finishing her sentence, but by someone else this time. "Oh Spike? Yeah I remember him. He saw me sitting here, doing my thang, and he asked me if he could have one of my blunts. I was like, 'Sure dawg, you could have one!' and we smoked for a little bit before he went over to that there spaceship over there." Snoop pointed behind Twilight and as soon as Twilight turned around, sure enough, there was a crashed spaceship where Sugarcube Corner and about 1/4 of Ponyville used to be.
After admiring the destruction the spaceship caused, Twilight turned back to Snoop and asked, "Why would he go there?"
"Fuckin, I don't know! He said something about 'the biggest Taco Bell in Equestria.'"
Twilight was a bit confused at Snoop's response. "But Spike has no money to buy Taco Bell! I steal everything he earns for my premium porn accounts."
"Shit dawg, can't I just smoke in peace?"
"No! I want my breakfast! And if Spike thinks he's going to buy me something from Taco Bell's breakfast menu, I'll put him to sleep right now!"
"I don't know what else to tell you dawg."
"I suppose I'll have to survive a trip to..." The camera zoomed into Twilight's face for dramatic effect. "Taco Bell."
"Actually, you don't need to do that. Here he comes now!"
Snoop was right, but when is he ever wrong? Spike was running on his stubby little legs back to where Snoop and Twilight were.
Spike finally arrived to where Snoop and Twikight were, but Spike was too busy with his shit to even notice that Twilight was there. "Snoop! I tried to get us some Dorritos Locos Tacos, but a bunch of government guys kept on telling me that I should come back later and I was all like 'oh heil no!' Anyways, they were all like 'I'm sorry sir, but you have to leaaaa-"
Spike didn't get to finish his rambling, mainly because one of the zombies snatched him up and ran off, carrying him in their arms. Twilight and Snoop noticed that many, many other of the zombies were doing the exact same thing, snatching up objects or ponies and running off in the same general direction.
"Dammit, I'm never going to get my breakfast. Well, my investment wasn't worth nothing. Better go and save him," Twilight said, very annoyed with the situation.
"Aight man. You go do dat shit. I'mma stay here like always."
"Whatever Snoop. I'll see ya later."
"Peace homedawg," Snoop remarked before returning to his very important business.
Twilight turned away from Snoop and decided to follow in the general direction all the zombies were headed towards. Twilight saw that they all appeared to be heading for City Hall, and so that was where she was going.
As Twilight got closer and closer to City Hall, she saw that all of the zombies now had red armbands with a swastika on them. Since Twilight knew absolutely nothing about WWII, she had no idea what they meant or what she was going to face.
Twilight finally reached City Hall, but she was blocked by the giant crowd of zombies in front of her. Since she was growing ever so pissed without her breakfast, she decided that she didn't care about how she was going to get Spike, but she was going to get him home. With this mindset, she decided to finally get some logic for once and teleported herself past the crowd.
Surprisingly to her and the general audience, her plan worked and now she saw what all the zombies were surrounding.
In front of her was a giant throne made purely of gifts and other material crap Americans make and on that throne was the most terrifying figure she would ever meet in her immortal life. Wait, I said immortal. The 17th most terrifying figure she'll meet in her immortal life.
Wearing a brown officer's uniform with many medals of honor on the front, the man who ruined not only Germany, but the name Adolf and the tiny mustache was the notorious Füher Adolf Hitler.
He sat upon his throne provided by his mindless zombie followers. They all cheered loudly for their leader. Twilight saw Hitler and she couldn't give a single fuck for what was going on. She just wanted her assistant back.
"Excuse me?"
Hitler couldn't hear Twilight at all over the noise. That wasn't going to be enough to deter Twilight however.
"I said 'Excuse me?'!"
Hitler still showed no response.
Twilight wasn't going to let this shit continued. In a flash, she teleported herself in front of Hitler and yelled at the top of her lungs, which is pretty fucking loud mind you, "I FUCKING SAID EXCUSE ME!!!"
Hitler finally heard Twilight and in response, he raised his hand, almost instantly quieting the crowd in front of him.
"Jes?"
"Right, I'm not in the mood for introductions so I'll cut to the fucking chase: I want my dragon assistant back. I don't care what you want. I just want my goddamn breakfast, you hear?"
Hitler simply stared at Twilight with blank eyes. The crowd was anxious at what his response would be, mainly because a purple unicorn pony verbally bitch slapped the living fucking hell out of him right there and the.
After what seemed to be an eternity, Hitler finally said something. "Jew want your dragon back, jes?"
"Yes, that is all I want. After that, I will leave you and everyone else alone for the rest of the day."
"Hmm..." Hitler brought a hand up to his chin. "Well, I am a reasonable man and if all you want is your dragon back, then I will give it to you." He pointed to one of his followers and snapped his fingers, "Jew, get this little purple pony what she wants."
One of the zombie ponies saluted. "Yes mien Füher." He raised his right front arm before going on Hitler's orders. "Heil!"
The zombie pony proceeded to go through the ungodly pile of gifts before eventually pulling out a half dead baby dragon.
"Here it is," the zombie said before he threw Spike towards Twilight. Twilight, being the uncoordinated mare she is, let Spike fall flat on his face right in front of him.
"Thank you. I will leave now."
Just as Twilight started to pick up Spike and take her leave, she heard a laugh starting to grow from behind her. She turned around to find that Hitler was laughing hard.
After the laughter continued for several minutes, Twilight had decided that she was mildly annoyed with it. "What exactly are you laughing at?"
Hitler finally started to calm down his laughter and when his laugh finally ended, he looked at Twilight dead in the eyes.
"I can't you escape with something that belongs to the almighty Hitler. Don't be so silly!"
"But I thought you said-"
Hitler let out a mighty laugh once more. "Silly little pony! Did you really think that it would be that easy?!"
"...maybe," Twilight said meekly.
Hitler let out a laugh once more. "The little ones never learn. Heh heh." He raised his right hand. "Kill them."
Twilight quickly turned around and saw that all of the zombie crowd yelled "Heil!" before they started to surround Twilight and Spike.
"Uh oh. Spike, a little help here?"
Spike was still laying in front of Hitler. He heard Twilight's cry for help and he slowly got up. "Hold on Twilight. I might need some time to get my energy back."
"Spike, time is not a thing we have. Please hurry."
Spike groaned. "Fine, but you owe me." Spike slowly walked in front of Twilight and out of nowhere, he pulled out a level 15 katana sword and level 14 crossbow.
"Come at me bitches."
The turn based battle begun. The nazi zombies stood no chance. They may have had 15000 HP each, but Spike's weapons made them his bitch. In less than two turns, Spike and Twilight took out all of the nazi zombies. They never even got the chance to attack.
Every single nazi zombie had been successfully beaten. Hitler was stunned at how effectively Spike had taken out all his minions. He wasn't going to let the two get away alive, however.
"You think that'll be enough to stop me?! You couldn't be anymore wrong!"
Twilight and Spike turned around and saw Hitler doing the insane. He had a vial of green liquid in his hands and he was about to drink it.
"I got this from the spaceship! When I drink this, you will all die!!!" Before anyone could do anything, Hitler took the vial and downed the whole thing.
"Oh fuck."
"What exactly does that thing do?"
"It's what turned everyone into nazi zombies."
"Uh oh."
Sure enough, the vial had turned Hitler into a nazi zombie. But since he was already a nazi,it turned him into a super nazi zombie.
The boss battle had begun. Try as hard as our heroes might, every time Spike and Twilight took him down, Super Nazi Zombie Hitler just kept on coming back.
"He just doesn't die! Whatever will we do Spike?!"
"I dunno! I never got to the end of the game!"
Super Nazi Zombie Hitler laughed menacingly. "I will kill you both and then take over the world! Nothing will stop me now!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!"
"Yo dawg."
Everyone turned around and saw that Snoop Dogg had returned.
"What are you doing here Snoop?" Twilight asked.
"Yo, this guy paid me $25 and told me to come over here and fart on Hitler's balls, you dig?"
"Wait, what?!?!"
"I don't fucking know man. He just told me to go 'be the deus ex machina' or some shit like that dawg."
Spike intervened. "Why would you do that?"
"Hey man, $25 is $25. I ain't arguing against that."
Snoop walked over to Twilight and told her "Listen dawg, I need you to hold him there for a bit with your magic and shit, you hear?"
It was that moment in which Twilight remembered she had magic the whole time! "Uh, okay." Twilight turned back to Hitler and, with the concentration of a million Best Buys, she surrounded him with her magical aura. Hitler couldn’t move one inch.
“Nien! What is this sorcery?!”
Snoop Dogg casually walked up to Hitler. “Shit man, I don’t understand any of this shit either,” Snoop paused briefly to smoke one of his blunts before exhaling the fumes (not in Hitler’s face of course. Snoop wasn’t that much of a douchebag.). “But if me farting on yo balls fixes this, then fuck, I’ll do it.”
Snoop turned around and aimed his asschecks towards Hitler’s crotch. “Y’all better be fucking ready for this shit.”
That was the last thing any one of them heard before Snoop farted on Hitler’s balls, causing a massive explosion to surround the group of characters before it grew to surround Ponyville, then all of Equestria, then all of the planet and then all of the universe. The explosion then changed direction, creating an implosion that went inwards to the source of the explosion.
Then again, all anyone saw was an explosion before things returned back to normal.
Twilight woke up one afternoon and found Spike in the kitchen, making breakfast for both of them. Twilight finally got her fucking breakfast and she very much enjoyed her waffles.
Outside, the sky was clear as day and the only thing anyone could see was a spaceship with Snoop Dogg and Hitler inside it and boy were they having a blast.
Fin
Author's Note
Due to legal conditions by a sugar deflated chick on the interwebs, I could not include the Easter bunny in this story. Then again, I'm too lazy to add that shit.
