Chapters

Damn it!
Thunder crashes
Sweet dreams.
A lizards descent

Damn it!
View Online

The Dragonborn comes

Damn it!

Damn it!

"Wait a second, I think this might be dangerous." An Argonian clad in Daedric armor said, pointing to a cave.
"Since when was anything dangerous to you?" Another Argonian, this one wearing ebony armor, asked suspiciously.
"I just have a strange feeling that a magical wormhole will suck us up into some strange land, just like a cliché story book." The Daedric armored Argonian said, snorting derisively at the word cliché.
"Raptor, seriously? Out of all the things you could have said, it had to be just that sentence!" The ebony armored one exclaimed exasperatedly.
"Derkeethus, you don't understand the possibilities for what could happen in that cave; it could house a Daedric prince, or even a friggin' portal to Oblivion! A magical wormhole would probably be a nice surprise." Raptor yelled excitedly.
"I understand the probability for us to find those things, and let me tell you, it’s impossibly low." Derkeethus tried to explain.
"You have no idea what could be in there!"
"Raptor, you’re being unreasonable. Let’s just get in, get the loot, and get out. We’ve done this a hundred times before."
Raptor nodded in defeat and the two Argonians entered the cave without any further arguing.
-One hour later-
"WE FINALLY MADE IT DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE DAMNED STAIRS!" Raptor roared in frustration.
"This had better be worth it.” Derkeethus muttered darkly.
Raptor looked to the side and noticed an unusual rock next to a stone slab. Though Raptor had seen no shortage of bizarre objects and artifacts in his time, this rock in particular piqued his interest.
"Hey Derkeethus, go stand on that rock over there."
Derkeethus shrugged in indifference and stepped onto the rock. A blinding flash forced Raptor to shield his eyes, and when he looked back his companion was gone.
Despite his instincts telling him that stepping onto a rock with unknown magical powers was a bad idea, Raptor took in a deep breath and walked towards the rock.

Once Raptor regained his vision, he was greeted with a truly unusual sight. ‘What the hell? Two winged unicorns fighting a chimera?’ He watched the two creatures, one dark blue, the other white, reveal what appeared to be amulets. ‘And if this couldn’t get weirder, now the amulets are firing a magical rainbow beam at the monster. And now the monster is turned into stone. No, that makes perfect sense. Of course there are winged unicorns going around turning creatures into stone, NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAKES ANY DAMN SENSE!’ Convinced that now was not the time to find out if the winged unicorns were friendly, Raptor turned to look for Derkeethus.
Or rather, attempted to turn. ‘Well, it seems as if I’ve become stoned. I suppose a skooma joke is in order.’ Raptor internally fumed. How had he also become stone? He was nowhere near the monster when the beam hit. ‘And now what am I going to do? I can’t very well walk out of here when my legs are rocks. Dammit.’
"S-Sister, what manner of statue is that, and how didst it appear behind us?" the dark blue horse asked upon turning and noticing you. She spoke like royalty, with a hint of fear, probably due to the fact I am in Daedric armor.
“I don’t know, sister. I didn’t see it here when we arrived. Perhaps Discord created it?” The white horse said, uncertainty in her voice.
The dark blue one walked up to Raptor, taking a closer look at the ‘statue’. “It appears to be some sort of dragon in a suit of armor. The detail on the sculpture is incredible, individual scales and imperfections in the armor have been carved with great care. Its face even looks surprised.”
“Yes sister,” The white one spoke again. “either the creator spent years working on it, or Discord in his last moment created his most impressive work of art yet. Well, after flooding the entire Northwestern Badlands with molten silver. That may have been a bit more impressive.”
“And sister, let us not forget when he hung a 5 kilometer long tapestry of himself from the peak of Mount Percheron. That was truly his greatest feat.”
“Yes, that was awe inspiring, but it goes without saying that his transformation of-“
“I WANT OUT!” Were the only words going through Raptor’s head as the two winged unicorns argued over which of the stone chimera’s (Who was by their accounts a truly impressive sorcerer Raptor had to admit) achievements was greatest. The only source of relief for Raptor was the knowledge that any minute now his faithful companion Derkeethus would come to the rescue. Any minute now.
-One thousand years later-
“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU oh wait, I think the stone around me is actually cracking a little now.”
Raptor helplessly looked out of his stone prison as the chimera dubbed ‘Discord’ was petrified a second time by a group of six ponies. That isn’t to say that he would have helped Discord if he could, hell, he hated him just as much as everyone else seemed to.
The six ponies wielding the amulets took a collective sigh of relief as Discord lay petrified on the grass. Though Raptor hadn’t exactly had many conversations in the last millennium, he’d heard plenty. He was just as happy as the ponies that Discord had been petrified by the Elements of Harmony.
But what made him even happier was the feeling of cracked stone he noticed. Either a millennium of weather had finally taken its toll, or Discord or the Elements had done something to break Raptor’s seal. He didn’t care much about how, he was more concerned with finally being free. ‘Once I’m finally free from this damned prison, I can go back to adventuring. I wouldn’t mind getting back into the routine of killing monsters and collecting loot. I wonder how long ago Derkeethus died… oh well. I haven’t seen him petrified, but honestly I wouldn’t put it past the unicorns or alicorns to have some sort of life-extending spell. Maybe I’ll look for him for a bit.’
The yellow pony turned her head and noticed Raptor’s statue cracking. She tried to warn her friends, but they were too busy talking to notice her or the cracks. By the time she got their attention the stone casing had fallen down, revealing the Argonian. They recoiled in horror, at least all of them except for the pink one.
The white unicorn let out a terrified shriek and staggered backwards. The orange one seemed a bit braver. “Ah can tell this one ain’t nothin’ like Discord, but… what is it?”
"Greetings miniature horses, I am finally released and I come in peace." My voice boomed a bit louder than intended, and all the ponies looked at me with a mix of confusion and fright.
“You say that, but your appearance implies anything but that. We have no reason to trust you. Why in Equestria should we believe you?” The purple unicorn the others had called Twilight said under her breath.
"Huh? What’s so scary about me?" Raptor asked, perplexed.
"Well, why ever would you wear that simply ghastly armor if you were a good pony?" The white one, Rarity, asked.
"Because I want to go to the fancy ballet and not get killed by ninja pandas." Raptor said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.
The ponies just stared at him as if he was an idiot for a minute. It seemed like maybe the rainbow and pink ones understood it was sarcasm, but they didn’t react beyond rolling their eyes.
*crickets*
“Sooo, that had sounded a lot better in my head. Anyways, screw you guys or whatever, I’m going to go loot some shit. See you around!”
“Twilight, what was tha-“
“I don’t know, and right now I don’t care. We just dealt with Discord; we’re not getting another monster on our hooves.”
“Good call.”

-In Canterlot Castle-
Celestia stared ahead at the Argonian. Apparently his name was Raptor, and he had been freed from a statue when Discord was imprisoned a second time.
She took a breath and began. “As much as it pains me to tell you this, I’m afraid we simply cannot allow you to roam free in Equestria for the time being. By your account, your occupation seems to be killing others and stealing. Obviously this cannot be allowed in Equestria. And as several citizens and law enforcement agents have already testified, you’ve stolen food and money from over two dozen homes so far, and killed at least thirty four protected animals from the National Equestrian Wildlife Preserve. On top of that, all these crimes were committed in the space of less than two days. The evidence that you have committed these acts is undeniable, and they cannot go unpunished.”
Celestia sighed. “I shall ask you one final time, as a chance for you to come clean, do you plead guilty or not guilty?”
“Do. You. Have. Any. Sweet. Rolls.”
“Excuse me?”
“DO. YOU. HAVE. ANY. SWEET ROLLS.”
"Will the defendant please explain what a sweet roll is, and why said sweet roll is at all relevant to the case?" The prosecuting attorney asked.
“Raptor, please explain the relevancy of sweet rolls.” Celestia said with a sigh.
”SWEET ROLLS MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU HAVE THEM YOU RAINBOW HAIRED HORSE BITCH?"
Princess Celestia stared ahead with a vacant look in her eyes. She had absolutely no idea what in Tartarus this ‘Argonian’ was hoping to achieve. All she wanted was to get him out of her hair and to never see him again.
“Raptor, please step out of my hair.”
Raptor stepped out of Celestia’s flowing mane and walked back to his assigned seat.
“Raptor, I find you guilty of all charges. I hereby sentence you to 35 years in prison, with chance of probation after 10 years.”
“Bitch.”
“What did you say? You can be held in contempt of court you know; flippant remarks aren’t going to make your sentence any lighter.”
“I said biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttccccccccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Princess Celestia had seen a lot. She had been through more hardships than nearly any living being on the planet. She had overthrown tyrants, quelled rebellions, and slain eldritch horrors that if looked upon would cause a normal pony to go mad. But now she just wanted to go home.
“All right everyone, I admit it. I goofed, I made a mistake. But there is one last thing I’d like to say to you all.” Raptor said, raising his hands in surrender.
“And that is?”
”OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW!?”
No one looked towards the window. Celestia glared at Raptor. Her patience was near infinite, but there was no need to waste it on such trivial matter as this.
“Heh, all right, good job guys. You didn’t fall for that one. I can accept it. You win some, you lose some. But what about… THIS!” Raptor turned and delivered a wild two handed haymaker, his cuffed fists slamming down on a nearby guard’s skull.
Raptor then vanished from sight, and rapid footsteps were heard moving towards the doorway. The door was kicked open, and the footsteps moved quickly down the hall.
“GUARDS, AFTER HIM!” The Lieutenant Guard roared, sending three armored earth ponies sprinting towards the door.
“No,” Princess Celestia said calmly. “it will only lead to further violence if we further pursue him at this point. We underestimated him and were not aware of his magical ability. We must wait and leave his capture to trained anti-mages on the police force.”
‘This should allow him to escape, and keep the two of us from coming into contact for a while. Here’s to hoping the imbecile is smart enough to evade the guards stationed around the courthouse.’ Celestia thought to herself.
Raptor hummed happily to himself as he raided the kitchen pantry of its supply of cheese wheels. Why a courthouse had such a large kitchen was a mystery to him, as was the enormous quantity of cheese wheels. Had Raptor been a slightly more astute Argonian he also might have been perplexed as to how he could fit so many cheese wheels on himself, but the thought never crossed his mind.
As he left the kitchen, leaving behind a pantry absent of cheese wheels and with a broken pair of cuffs on the floor, Raptor realized something. He had no plan for where to go after escaping.
After exiting the courthouse and walking a couple blocks, Raptor became visible and turned to ask a nearby pony for directions. He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go. He knew he didn’t feel ready for an Equestrian brothel, so maybe he’d just find a dungeon to raid.
“Excuse me, do you know where a good dungeon is? And also, have you ever heard of a place by the name of Windhelm?”
“Uh… maybe you can find something that suits your tastes in the red-torch district, but I’ve never heard of Windhelm before.” The stringy maned grey stallion answered.
“Alright, well how about Whiterun?”
“Never heard of it.”
“Skyrim?”
“Nope.”
“Okay then, uh, do you happen to have anything valuable inside your saddlebag?”
“Inside my saddleba- what in Tartarus does that have to do with anything? Are you some kind of thief?”
“Of course not good horse, I am here as part of the National Equestrian Valuables and Currency Inspection Bureau. Our acronym is N.E.V.C.I.B. It’s not very catchy so we don’t say it much, explaining why you’ve never heard of us before. Just let me examine the contents of your saddlebag and I’ll be on my way.”
“Don’t touch me motherbucker, I’m callin’ the cops.”
“Please, do not be upset,”
“POLICE, POLICE!”
Raptor made a grab for the stallion’s saddlebag, but was bucked in the chest when he tried. He staggered back and turned around to come face to face with a police pony.
“Stop right there, criminal scu-“
The policepony was cut off as Raptor’s fist connected with his jaw, knocking him out cold. Raptor quickly shuffled through the policepony’s belongings, taking his identification, money, and baton. As he turned to see where the grey stallion was, he saw him turning a corner a block away.
“Well shit, I let that guy get away. I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me.”
The policepony reached upwards and bit Raptor’s hand.
“DAMMIT, THAT HURT!” Raptor cried out as he shook his hand loose and kicked the pony unconscious again.
Two hours later Raptor was walking down a road leading out of Canterlot. He didn’t really know where he was going, and didn’t really care. Maybe he’d look for Derkeethus. Or maybe not, the guy might be dead. Or maybe he’d go fuck himself. Probably not, but it was still a valid option. Raptor shrugged and walked onwards into the sunset. ‘This really would be better if I was riding a horse or something. Too bad they’re all too small here. Maybe I can just skip instead.’
Raptor skipped off into the sunset, his Daedric armor clattering.

Author's Note

this story was edited thanks to my awesome proofreader the sentience

Thunder crashes
View Online

The Dragonborn comes

Thunder crashes

Thunder crashes

Raptor was rather easily amused, but after hours of uneventful travel even he was bored out of his mind. The Argonian looked up at the sky. Dark clouds were moving across the sky, making the evening even darker.
“Just… just a little farther.” Raptor yawned as he looked down the road. Thunder rumbled in the distance and rain began to fall. He could see a small town in the distance, lit by torches. It looked like the town where he was freed from being a statue. He hadn’t seen it from a distance before though, so he couldn’t say for sure.
Raptor groaned. What was he doing? He was nowhere near Skyrim, and the laws here made it illegal to loot and kill. He tried to think of a plan as he scratched his chin. ‘Maybe… no, that wouldn’t work. Maybe… no definitely not that. Well, I could always… I know! I’ll see if I can summon my ghost horse here!’
*poof*
“Well what do you know, it works in Equestria. Hey there, Arvak, my trusty talking stead!”
“Greetings, master. How are you faring on this adventure?”
“Let me tell ya’ pal, it’s sucking some major balls right now. A couple days ago I was just looting and killing monsters, when all of a sudden I got arrested! Like, what the hell’s up with that?”
“Perhaps their society operates on a different set of morals than the ones you are used to.”
“Yeah, but why do they have to be such pricks about it? I mean, they’re magic horses. They could be cool if they weren’t trying to stop me from adventuring.”
“They seem to be a very passive species, though a potentially powerful one. I advise you not to anger them any more than is necessary. It would be useful to have allies to turn to in this strange land.”
“Say, Arvak.”
“Yes master?”
“You’re kind of a horse, right? I mean, you’re all bony and glowing and shit, but you’re still a horse?”
“I could be called one, yes.”
“Well how do I get these guys to like me? I mean, I’ve got to be one of the coolest Argonians alive. I’m decked out in this awesome Daedric armor, and the ponies for some reason didn’t confiscate any of my gear. Say, speaking of that, why in the world did they let me keep my weapons and supplies?”
“Most likely because they had no way of detecting the presence of your equipment from simply looking at you.”
“Hmm… Arvak, where the hell do I keep all this equipment? I've got to be carrying at least a few dozen swords!"
“I’m sorry Raptor, there are somethings that are not meant to be known by mortals. Perhaps in death you shall find your answer."
“Huh?”
“I must leave you now master, for my time grows short.”
“No, Arvak, why?”
“Because there are ponies nearing you on the path, and my presence may convince them that you are a necromancer. I am also called away by the great being Nair Aeter. Farewell my liege.”
The ghostly horse faded away into the night, leaving behind no trace except for the faint smell of brimstone.
As rain fell down onto the dirt path, Raptor looked ahead and noticed the ponies Arvak had mentioned. There were three: a white unicorn, a khaki pegasus wearing a green vest and pith helmet, and a black and red alicorn wearing outrageous armor, and a styled mane to match.
As they entered speaking range, Raptor called out to the trio: “Hey, what’s up you guys? Have you seen any monsters on your journey that need slaying?”
The ponies walked up to Raptor, and he was able to better discern their features. The female white unicorn had a spiky two-toned blue mane, and a musical note for her cutie mark. (Raptor had been completely baffled upon learning about cutie marks and their purpose, but by now he had gotten the hang of it.) The female pegasus wore a vest and helmet, and was reading a waterproof map. The male alicorn wore some type of spiked black armor, the same color as his coat. He had a red spiky mane and tail, and his eyes seemed reptilian.
“Hey there bro, like, what kind of freaky monster are you?” The alicorn asked.
“I’m an Argonian. I’m assuming you’ve never seen one before?”
The khaki pegasus now spoke. “You look like some kind of dragon, but I’ve never seen one quite like you before. The closest I’ve seen was the little purple guy back in Ponyville.”
“There’s… a dragon in Ponyville?” Raptor asked, barely able to contain his excitement.
“Yeah, real little fellow, doesn’t quite reach your knee. Helps the librarian.”
Raptor now had significantly less difficulty containing his excitement, but the prospect of a dragon still interested him.
“Good to know, but who are you three?”
The alicorn spoke first. “I’m Bloodrain Eclipse Blackguard, a rogue alicorn warrior. I was originally named Marty Stu, but I took my warrior name after slaying Asmodian, the Daemon warlord of Tartarus. I travel the land banging all the hot babes and killing monsters.”
“Killing… monsters?”
“You know it!”
“And… you haven’t been arrested or anything?”
“Nope. I guess my swag is just too much for the authorities to handle. Booyah!” He extended a front leg and received a high-five (or whatever ponies call it) from the white unicorn.
“And I’m Daring Do, adventurer extraordinaire and professor of archeology at Canterlot University. I joined these guys after they helped me out of a little jam. Turns out all I needed was a couple friends to defeat Ahuizhotl once and for all.”
“YOU KNOW IT!” The black alicorn shouted, receiving another high-five from the unicorn.
“And I’m Vinyl Scratch, the top DJ in Equestria. Where I go, sick wubs and bass drops follow.”
“And she’s THE most bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious pony on the CONTINENT!” Bloodrain exclaimed.
“You betcha!” The DJ agreed.
Now, Raptor had encountered his fair share of adventurers in his time. Some he had passed after exchanging a few words. Some he slew in combat. And some were just plain weird. The weird ones tended to fall equally into the first two categories, and Raptor had to admit that he wasn’t quite sure what to make of the ponies in front of him.
“So… anyways… do you guys have anything you want to trade?”
“Buck yeah, we’ve got potions and weapons, what do you want?”
“Well, what do you have?”
Vinyl pulled out an impossibly large locked chest and set it on the ground. After she opened it up, Raptor was astonished.
“What are these things?”
“What, you’ve never seen a dubstep gun? These things shoot out awesome colored beams whenever wubs start playing. And this thing?” Vinyl reached down to pat a massive metal contraption. “This baby’s called Sasha. She weighs one hundred fifty kilos and fires custom rounds that cost two hundred bits apiece. At a rate of TEN THOUSAND rounds per MINUTE.” Vinyl narrowed her eyes and leaned towards Raptor. “It costs four hundred thousand bits… to fire her for TWELVE SECONDS. Can you handle that kind of firepower my friend? Can you?”
“Uh… do you have anything that’s perhaps a bit easier on the purse?”
“Of course. You know what the Beaver Scouts’ motto is: Don’t be silly, wrap your willy. And the Colt Scouts’ motto is even better: Always be prepared. And that’s why we adventurers always travel with a wide assortment of weapons, suited for all your killing needs.”
“I thought you guys were adventurers, not merchants.”
“Buddy, you name it, we’ve done it or own it.”
Vinyl levitated up a simple hand-and-a-half sword and a map. “Listen, maybe you’re just starting out and you need a good weapon and some directions. Or maybe you’re battle worn veteran. But believe me, this adamantium-alloy sword is indestructible. It’s over a millennium old, but it’s just as sharp and unscratched as when it was forged. We came across a massive cache of these a ways back, so we can afford to part with a few. And the map contains the locations of all the major cities and roadways in Equestria, a useful piece of equipment for any adventurer.”
“Indestructible you say?” Raptor said doubtfully.
“Manticore hide? Think butter. Basilisk scales? Try herring scales. If you’ve got the strength to swing it, you’ve got yourself a mighty fine sword.”
“What about dragon scales?”
“Pfft, as if you’ll be fighting dragons any time soon. But if any non-enchanted weapon can pierce their skin, I’d be putting my bits on this one.”
The Argonian mulled over his options. On the one hand he could just kill them and steal their equipment, but he was a little too close to Ponyville to feel safe doing so. He could just take this offer, a map would be useful. Or he could just continue on his-
“Hey, we haven’t got all evening dude,” Bloodrain spoke up. “we’ve got ponies to do and things to see.”
“Yeah, I’ll take the sword and map. How much is it?”
“Fifteen thousand bits for the sword, the map comes with it for free.”
“How about some gold ore for the map and we’ll call it even?”
“Sure, your loss for not taking the sword.”
After exchanging the items Raptor pocketed the map and continued down the path. He had been hoping for a reason to fight them, but in the end it might not have been entirely worth the trouble. Oh well.
Raptor continued walking towards Ponyville and stopped when he heard a voice behind him.
"Greetings, traveler." A wavering voice whispered.
Raptor spun around and saw a ghostly wisp hovering above the ground.
“What do you want?”
“I give you a task, two riddles I ask. If the answers you can unmask, something something that rhymes with ask.”
“What?”
“Shut up and answer my riddles alright?”
“Go ahead.”
The specter began. “The poor have it, the rich need it, it is greater than the magic of Aetherius, and you hate it. What is it?”
“Can you ask me a different one?”
“Uh, I guess so. Alright, what crime can you get arrested for if you attempt it, but not if you commit it?”
Raptor thought for a moment and answered: “Evading arrest.”
“Precisely. Have you got the answer to the first one yet?”
“Nah, it’s a real stumper. Do another one.”
“I mean, it’s one that only you or someone familiar with you could answer. You sure you don’t want to take a crack at it? It’s nothing you couldn’t handle.”
“No, just ask another one.”
“Very well. I have a cover, yet I wear no clothing. I am full of words, but I remain silent. Others can learn from me, and yet I say nothing to them. What am I?”
“A mute, naked, and telepathic teacher?”
“No. Guess again.”
“A blushing zebra?”
“No.”
“Three of the men were actually married, so when it said every single man died-“
“Do you even remember the riddle I gave you?”
“…”
“…”
“No.”
“Whatever. I was going to give you the power of teleportation, but it seems you’re too dimwitted to answer my riddles. I’m going to find one more worthy of my gift.”
The smoky tendrils of the ghost floated away, seeking a wiser adventurer.
Raptor walked on into Ponyville, seeking a restaurant that sold sweet rolls.
After exiting the bakery dubbed ‘Sugarcube Corner’, Raptor made his way towards the town library while munching on a sweet roll. The pink pony had been happy to sell it to him, despite his entrance scaring away all the other customers. Raptor could’ve sworn she was one of the ponies who had wielded the Elements of Harmony, but she had just laughed when he asked her about it. He took another bite and licked his lips. It wasn’t the same as the ones in Skyrim, but it was certainly delicious. He popped the last piece into his mouth and reached the town library.
Raptor stepped inside and looked around. It was lit, but he didn’t see anyone inside.
“Hello? Small purple dragon, you in here?”
“…”
“You know, I’ve killed dragons waaay bigger than you. But that’s no reason to be scared of me!”
“…”
“Alright, that might be a perfectly legitimate to be scared of me, but you haven’t even met me yet! I’m a swell guy!”
“…”
“Alright you little shit, if I have to ransack this place to find you, I will.”
Raptor walked upstairs to try and find the dragon. If there was one thing he wanted to find right now, it was a link to his old life. And a dragon seemed just the place to start.
Once he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed a purple creature lying on a bed, partially covered by a blanket. Raptor was giddy with excitement. He hadn’t killed a dragon in weeks! Now was his first opportunity to rid this land of a foul dragon. Admittedly it didn’t seem like a terribly big one, but a dragon was a dragon.
Words ran through Raptor’s mind as he prepared to kill the beast. Words that had followed him through life. Words of a prophecy, and its fulfillment.
For though the dragons rode upon the wind with their great wings,
And though they razed the ground with their unholy fire,
Unchallenged in might,
There is one they fear.
In their tongue he is Dovahkiin:
DRAGONBORN!
“FUS”
“ROH”
The purple figure stirred and sat up in bed. “Who in Equestria are you?”
“DAH!”
Twilight Sparkle screamed as she was propelled through the newly made hole in the library wall.
Raptor called out: “Sorry about that! Well, not really, you kind of seemed a little bitchy last time I saw you. But I thought you were a dragon, so don’t take this too personally. Mind if I check out a few books?”
There was no answer as Twilight lay groaning on the lawn, pulling splinters out of her flesh with her telekinesis.
“I’ll assume that’s a yes!” The Argonian yelled out the hole in the wall.
Raptor left the library holding an armful of books. He had found one on Equestrian history, but quickly discarded it in favor of ‘A Complete Guide to Equestrian Beasts, Monsters, and Abominations’ and some books on something called the Everfree Forest.
About 40 meters away from the library Raptor passed a yellow pegasus.
“Oh… oh my. Is that a hole in the library?”
Raptor turned around.
“No, I don’t see it.”
“But… it’s huge and you can see straight into the upper floor from here. Something definitely made a hole.”
“I still don’t see that hole you’re talking about. You feeling alright?”
“Well, I had gone to the store to get some medicine for my stomach cramps. But I don’t really think stomach cram-“
“You’ve obviously never studied medicine then.”
“Actually, I’m technically a certified veterina-“
“Stomach cramps can be a symptom of a great many terrible diseases, the one of the most prevalent being Ketostrychoacidosiscephaliosis. The disease’s symptoms also include-“
“I… I really don’t think I have-“
“hallucinations, sallow skin, bloodshot eyes, stomach cramps, and profuse sweating.”
“I’m always yellow, I’m tired, I probably ate something spoiled, and it’s at least ninety degrees out here.”
“You say it’s ninety degrees? Well add hypersensitivity to temperature to your list of symptoms, because believe me, it’s much closer to thirty out here.”
“Equestria uses the Fahrenheit syste-“
“My dear, as much of a delight it is to hear you ramble on about your life, I’ve got places to be. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to some place called the Everfree Forest to kill monsters. If would please point me in the direction of the forest?”
The pegasus made a sweeping motion with her foreleg. “It pretty much surrounds the town except for the east side. Wait… did you say kill monsters?”
Raptor was already on his way as the pegasus called out after him.
A unicorn groggily walked up to the pegasus.
“Fluttershy, why didn’t you stop him!? He destroyed part of the library!”
“Oh, I’m sorry Twilight. I didn’t know. He did that? How?”
“I don’t really know, he just seemed to shout, and the next thing I knew my head hurt and I was pulling splinters out.”
Fluttershy put her wing around her friend and led her to the Ponyville Hospital to get her wounds treated. After filing a report with the town police, it was decided that the tall figure was the self-identified Argonian who had recently escaped custody in Canterlot. Twilight was assured by the police that they would find and arrest the criminal, but she had serious doubts. Being part of a town meant a few things. It meant that everypony knew everypony, or at least Pinkie Pie knew everypony. It also meant that at least once a month the plumbing would explode in Town Hall, the mayor was half incompetent, and that the town’s police force consisted of only two ponies. Twilight had read many books in her life, and though she was an otherwise level-headed pony, in her childhood she had been convinced by the many mysteries she read that sometimes vigilantism was the only solution.
“Fluttershy, the town’s police are inept, and that broken wall won’t pay for itself.”
“You… you do have insurance, right?”
“Fluttershy, it’s time to take matters into our own hooves. There’s a menace to society running loose, and it’s our duty to reel him in.”
“Maybe it’d just be best to-“
“We’ve sat on our haunches enough. It’s time to take action!”
“We’ve gone out on a lot of adventures before, and every time were underprepared, underequipped, and unqualified to take on the mission. Are you sure you wan-“
“We may only get one shot before he disappears too deep into the Everfree Forest; the time to strike is now.”
“Are you sure you don’t just want to capture him so you can learn what an Argonian is?”
“For justice. For Celestia. For EQUESTRIA!”
And so the night went on. Twilight vowed to apprehend the criminal as soon as she was discharged from the hospital, and Fluttershy rolled her eyes.
And Raptor found a dungeon.
“Say, this looks like a dungeon!”
“…”
“…”
Perhaps Raptor should explore the dungeon, yes?
“It’d probably be a good idea to set up camp outside the entrance. It’d be good to rest, wouldn’t want to get fatigued during a dungeon raid.”
Raptor inexplicably forgets that his Argonian physiology combined with a lifetime of intense training and stamina potions has given him incredible fitness and stamina. But no matter, if he wishes he may rest.
“Actually, there’s a river nearby. Maybe I’ll go see what kind of fish live here.”
Or fish. He can go fishing if he wants, it’s up to him.
“Or I could see how long I can yodel before I draw a monster to me. The book said yodeling infuriates Harpies. I wonder if there are any Harpies around… hmm… nope, book says they live on the cliffs underneath Canterlot.”
Raptor can do whatever he wishes. He’s free to ignore the incredibly fascinating dungeon right next to him. Go ahead. He can see if anybody cares, nobody does.
“On second thought, they might be ruins left by an ancient race that contains a dangerous secret. I should probably explore the ruins, just in case it houses some kind of enchanted weapon or huge monster.”
Raptor is finally getting the idea. Our hero now readies himself to enter the ruins.
“And that’s a task for the morning. Right now, I’ve got sleeping to do.”
Though annoyed, our valiant narrator does not waver from his job. He will patiently wait for morning and the next chapter.

Sweet dreams.
View Online

The Dragonborn comes

Sweet dreams.

Raptor opened his eyes. Much to his surprise, he was no longer in the Everfree Forest. As he got up and looked around, he came to the realization that he was in Riverwood. In Skyrim. Wait… Skyrim?
“I’M BACK BABY, OH YEAH!”
Raptor jumped to his feet and walked towards the center of the town. He’d been away for a millennium, time to see how Skyrim was faring.
As he strutted through Riverwood, Raptor was astonished to find the blacksmith Alvor. Last he could recall, his friend had been mauled to death by a dragon. The Argonian shrugged. It wasn't as if someone surviving a dragon attack was the weirdest thing he'd heard of. Hell, he'd done it himself before.
Raptor walked up and tapped on the blacksmith’s shoulder to get his attention.
“Need something?” He gave his trademark reply. Raptor grinned.
“Alvor, my man. It’s good to see you again! Last I heard you got killed by a dragon, how’re you holding up these days?”
“Killed? What made you think that?”
Just as the warrior was about to respond, a horrific scent wafted through the town.
“Dude… is that… shit? What the fuck?”
Confused, Raptor looked around to see if he could spot the source of the foul smell.
The wind picked up, and the Argonian gagged in disgust.
“Alvor, the fuck is that? You take a dump in your pants or something?”
Alvor craned his neck, looking worriedly towards the town center.
“DRAGON!” Some guardsmen shouted as they ran towards the town square.
“Dragon? Huh?”
Raptor looked in the direction the guards had run and was shocked by what he saw.
“Is that a fucking dragon made of shit? Alvor, you’re seeing this too, right? Back me up on this, I’m not ready to be insane yet. Or, mostly insane. I’m probably at least a little insane already. Alvor?”
Raptor returned his gaze to the blacksmith, only to see him wielding an axe and running towards the dragon.
“Alvor, don’t do it! You have feces resistance minus 10, remember? You’ll be annihilated!”
“What the hell are you talking about Raptor?” Alvor said puzzled. He was never able to hear a response, as he disappeared into the gaping maw of the putrid brown dragon.
Raptor turned around and began to vomit, overwhelmed by the stench.
"Draaf excretum thin umask." The dragon rumbled as liquid feces flew out of its mouth and covered the guards.
The guards became like rapidly melting candles, turning into watery excrement and collapsing into a nightmarish pool.
“Nope.” Raptor stood stock still and stared ahead at the monstrosity. “Nope. I’m fucking done. I ain’t dealing with this shit, fuck your town, I’m out.”
Raptor broke into a full sprint and tore down the street heading out of town.
“FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! OUT OF THE WAY, OUT OF THE WAY!”
Raptor shouted and shoved people out of the way as he ran down the street. He turned his head to look behind him, and saw that the dragon was following him.
Just as the city gate came into view, Raptor tripped over a bucket and ate shit. After cursing the object conveniently placed in the center of the street, Raptor got up to flee when he noticed the ground begin to soften.
“Man, I’m really having a shitty day.”
The audience laughed so hard at the terrible joke that multiple people went into cardiac arrest and had to be carried out.
As the ground morphed into feces, the dragon landed a few meters away from Raptor. It lumbered forwards and prepared to let loose another shout.
“DRAAF EXCRETUM”
By now he had sunk so far into the ground, he was up to his shoulders in the filth.
“THIN”
Raptor thought to himself: “You know, right about now I wouldn’t mind another few torturous years encased in stone. I wonder if there’s any way-“ But his thought and the even the narrator’s own were interrupted by the dra-
“UMASK!”
Everything went black for Raptor, and he lost all consciousness as he was buried in a mound of feces.
Raptor slowly opened his eyes. There was a bright burning light that blinded him, causing him to wince. He felt damp, dehydrated, and extremely hot.
“Oh gods… am I… dead?”
But no, our hero was still well and alive. Despite the cliché of waking up and believing himself to be in the afterlife, he was merely lying down on the Everfree Forest’s soil.
“Wait, that’s just the sun. Never mind. Hey Celestia! Turn down the damn sun for once, would ya?”
Raptor stretched and gathered his belongings. Today it was time to explore the ruins. What awaited him he had no idea, but he was as ready as he ever would be.

A lizards descent
View Online

The Dragonborn comes

A lizards descent

A lizards descent

To be honest, Raptor couldn’t quite remember why he had decided to go into the cave. It stank, and the gargoyles that lined the sides just sat there doing nothing. He wished that something would have the common courtesy to try to kill him, for the sake of his own entertainment. A few hours into the eventless walk, and the Dovahkiin was wondering whether he should just give up.
‘Do you remember the burning?’ An ominous voice echoed in Raptor’s head, coaxing him to respond.
Raptor immediately froze, swiftly scanning the area as he felt a jolt of terror.
“Do I know you?” The Dragonborn asked softly, his voice not betraying the hatred he felt at the anonymous reminder. At the word ‘burning’, painful memories had flooded his head, ones he had been thankful to have long forgotten. The voice chuckled, seemingly aware of Raptor’s agitation.
‘Wouldn’t you like it all to end?’ The words boomed through his head, their piercing noise nearly driving the Argonian to the ground.
“What do you mean, explain yourself!” Raptor called, trying to keep his calm. Now wasn’t the time to screw around, he needed to focus on the threat. “Where are you?”
With a loud crash, dirt and stone suddenly fell from the cavern ceiling. The debris drew itself together, forming a massive humanoid shape.
“A golem. About time I met a challenge here.” He muttered, expecting no coherent response from the magical life form. He recognized it, but it was still distinctly different from any golem he had previously encountered. Probably a result of Equestria and Tamriel’s differences in magic. Mostly compatible with each other, as far as he could tell, but still different.
“Don’t mess with me.” Raptor growled, raising his Deadric shield and charging the golem. “I’ve dealt with your kind before, I can rip you apart just as easily.” Gaining speed, he slammed into the golem’s leg with earth shattering force. Or with what could normally have been described as such, except the creature’s earthen leg hadn’t shattered.
“Alright, a little tougher than I expected. I need to think this one through.” The Dragonborn rolled to the side, dodging the powerful downward slam of the rock behemoth’s fist.
Raptor began circling the golem, attempting to confuse it and find its magical weak spot. As far as he could tell, this golem seemed to operate like those he’d fought in Tamriel. That meant it was being kept alive by a magical conduit, acting essentially as its heart. Disable the heart, and the golem would be nothing more than a statue. The only problem was, this golem’s conduit appeared to be tucked away deep inside the creature’s body.
That should be impossible, but it seemed to be the case here. Normally, the conduit needs to be exposed to air in order to vent out excess magical energy. If a port isn’t provided, the pressure will build up and cause the creature to explode. There was no immediately apparent port on the golem, but Raptor was confident that he could find one.
He guessed that the conduit was likely in either the golem’s chest or head, offering it the best possible protection. A large enough concussive force was usually able to momentarily stall a conduit, all Raptor had to do was poke around until he got results.
“FUS RO DAH!” Raptor roared, directing his shout towards the golem’s featureless head. The giant staggered backwards, but wasn’t stunned.
The Argonian grumbled, slightly annoyed that he hadn’t succeeded on his first attempt. He put his shield on his back and drew out a second sword. Short but strong, the Deadric blade should be more than sufficient in a golem fight.
Raptor took a deep breath, and broke into an inhumanly fast sprint towards the monster. The golem slammed its massive fists into the ground, but it had little chance in hitting such a quick target.
“WULD NAH KEST!” Bellowed Raptor, increasing his speeds to such an extent that the golem had difficulty tracking his movement. Dropping to his knees and sliding, his armor drew sparks from the stone ground as he sped towards the giant’s legs. Raising his swords and slicing through the golem’s legs, Raptor severed some of the magical circuits in its lower extremities. Serving a similar purpose to veins and arteries in a normal creature, the broken circuits left the golem partially crippled. The Dragonborn wasted no time, leaping to his feet and jumping towards the monster’s back.
Raptor yelled as he dug his dual blades deep into the golem’s back, before suddenly being propelled backwards into the cave wall. In a last-ditch attempt to kill its attacker, the golem’s back exploded. It had successfully removed the source of its agony, but had also revealed its most vulnerable part: its conduit. Raptor gazed at the cyan glow for a brief moment, appreciating the beautiful sight before he would destroy it. His admiration turned to concern as the swirling conduit turned crimson. “Shit man, no need to get all pissy. Go back to the pretty blue!”
The golem savagely turned towards Raptor, letting out a hideous scream. Though only minutes old, the creature had a sense of self-preservation. That was gone now, the earthen monster consumed with pure hatred and malice. In its simple mind, there was nothing to lose.
Despite the increased danger, Raptor grinned slightly. Though the monster would now be more wild and unpredictable, it would also start to get sloppy. A careless combatant wouldn’t last long under most circumstances.
“Come on, big guy.” Raptor goaded on his assailant as he dodged its powerful swipe. “I hope you weren’t expecting us to stay at second base all night.”
"In fact, I’d say this encounter is just about ready for a climax!” Raptor charged the monster, angling his blades forwards. The golem responded in kind, lumbering rapidly towards Raptor despite its injured legs. Time seemed to slow down as the two combatants neared each other, running at full speed.
“FEIM!” The Dragon language was let loose by the Dovahkiin a fraction of a second before the golem’s hand slammed down upon him, one word being all he needed. Raptor smiled. He’d won.
Raptor shot out of the fist, appearing like a ghost. His eyes burned like a blue fire, and his body left an ethereal trail behind it. The intangibility effect quickly wore off, but he no longer needed it.
Adrenaline shot through his system as he threw his blades to the side and conjured a Deadric bow. Time seemed to slow around Raptor, he could feel each pump of his heart as it sent blood flowing through his veins. It’d been a while since he’d killed. Too long. Raptor drew back the bow and let the arrow fly straight through the golem’s chest, piercing the conduit. As it contacted the source of the golem’s energy, its enchantment was activated. The arrow exploded, sending globs of the conduit flying out of the golem’s exposed back. The monster stood still, now only a lifeless statue. The fight was over. Raptor strode over to the wall and scooped up some of the splattered remnants, placing it in an enchanted jar before the magical substance could evaporate away.
“Well, aren’t you a special little sunflower?” Raptor chuckled at the conduit. He wasn’t much for studying, but learning more about Equestrian magic could be useful to him. No need to let the conduit go to waste. “Or is the saying ‘special little shaman’?” The Argonian scratched his chin. “Special little snail? Scroll? Sorcerer? Syrup? Salt? Eh. Fuck if I know.” The Dragonborn shrugged and laid down to take a quick rest. He hadn’t noticed any other creatures nearby, might as well get a little sleep in.

Author's Note

Credit goes to Thesentience for completely editing these.