The garden was alive with the songs of birds, the gentle rustling of leaves and the buzzing of bees. Wonderful. Canterlot garden was, as always, a monument to both colour and sound. Celestia breathed in the cold morning air and flopped herself onto a nearby bench. Simply wonderful. She'd spent the last five days enduring the bleating of nobles and meddling with statutes and laws, now was her time. The one day of the week where she needn't worry about taxes or complaints or any of those grating parliamentary problems. Today was Sunday, and thank her that it was.
The sky was pale blue and cloudless, an acknowledgement of the simple happiness that the Royal Weekend entailed. Today was Celestia's one and only day off, and by the stars above did she love it.
A pack of cigarettes popped into existence with a flash of golden magic. Celestia levitated the pack up to her mouth and pulled one out between her teeth. The gardens were closed to the public at such an early hour, so she needn't have worried about any impressionable young foals catching her in the act. The only other ponies around here were the guards, and they'd long since found out about her smoking habit.
Her horn glowed, igniting the tip. She sank further into her bench, drawing deeply from her cigarette, and allowed the day's cheerful warmth and gentle breeze to lull her to sleep. It'd been a long while since she'd had a nap, and right now she couldn't think of a more perfect time...
"Hoo-HOO-hoo!"
The sudden, obnoxious hooting tore her away from her attempts at sleep. Haughtily she whipped her head around, searching for the perpetrator, the cigarette falling from her mouth as she did so. There, perched upon the head of her bench, was a pigeon. It stared down at her blankly with its beady, hazel eyes unblinking, displaying no movement other than the slight rise and fall of its breast.
"Go away," grumbled Celestia, swatting at the bird lazily. It refused to move, remaining deathly still despite the near-misses Celestia was tossing at it. She relented in her assault when she realised how pointless it was. The bird was indeed committed to its perch, she'd give it that.
"You're a brave little fellow," she said, cracking a smile. This pigeon, although admittedly annoying, as curious creature, and for Celestia, curiosities were few and far between, what with her excessive age. "Perhaps you're friendly?" she queried, outstretching a leg.
To her surprise, the pigeon leapt from bench to leg in a flutter of feathers, softly digging its small talons into the flesh of her leg. She winced in pain, briefly contemplating on whether or not to merely shake the bird off. She decided not to. Her free days, although relaxing, often turned out to be rather boring, and as far as she could remember she'd never met a pigeon so friendly before. It was a completely new experience! At her age, those were becoming incredibly scarce.
The pigeon hopped further up her leg, inching towards her face, never breaking eye contact. Celestia hummed thoughtfully. There was something about this bird- apart from its friendly countenance, that was. Its movements were less erratic than a normal pigeon's, nor did it seem as wary of its surroundings. Curious. In fact, now that she had a closer look at its face... Wait, was it smiling?
It worked its way up the remainder of her leg until its beak was merely inches away from her face. Okay, this had officially crossed the line between interesting and weird. Pigeons didn't smile, it was impossible! Yet she swore that she could see some strange form of grin on its face. The corners of its beak were tilted upwards, and a mischievous glint sparkled in its tiny eyes.
It leaned forwards, bringing its beak to her ear, and spoke.
"Tweet-twoo, motherfucker."
The pigeon took off in a flurry of feathers as Celestia began to take in what she'd just heard. That pigeon just spoke. It spoke. Birds don't speak...
"What?" she managed, gaping at the pigeon as it passed overhead.
"But... What?"
The bird turned mid-flight and fluttered back towards her, dipping low in the air. For a second Celestia thought that it was going to seat itself back on its perch-
That was until she saw the devious grin still spread across its face.
*SPLAT*
"GAAAH FUCK, MY EYE!"
Celestia screamed in outright agony as the white splodge of bird shit splatted into her right eye. Sweet Faust, it burned! She rubbed at her face vigorously, but the damage had already been done. A rogue, runny drop of poop rolled down her muzzle, directly into her nostril. The smell was almost as overwhelming as the pain. Celestia gagged at the pure unpleasantness of it all.
Her guards were at her side in an instant, although they weren't much help, seeing as none of them were particularly skilled at getting bird poo out from underneath somepony's eyelid.
"I need a cloth, does anypony have a cloth?" barked one of the guards.
"There's a fountain over there, maybe we could wash it out with some water?"
"Are you insane, that's dirty water, we can't put that in her eye!"
"Can't we just teleport the poop out of her eye?"
"Genius! Somepony get a unicorn over here stat!"
Celestia was too busy screaming to pay any attention to her hapless guards. Her eye was throbbing with pain, her nose was stuffed with the stink of shit and her free day- her one, single and cherished free day- was completely and utterly ruined.
Stacy smirked as she flew away victoriously, basking in the fulfilment that only a successful trolling could provide.
Pigeon one, ponies zero.
Author's Note
This fic's just a little idea that I couldn't get out of my head. It'll probably amount to about three or four short chapters, at best.
