Chapters ONE DAY IN THE SWAMP
One day, Shrek was ready to take his usual fat ogre shit and do a little bit of reading in his outhouse. When he stepped in, he found a book ready for him. It was called My Little Pony. He hadn't found that book before, but decided to read it anyway, even though it appeared to be a silly childrens book. The Story began with..
My Little Pony: One day in the Swamp..
The Heroes of Equestria, The Mane Six, one day stumbled into a nasty creepy swamp. It was rumored to have idiot ogres in it who ate onions, which is stupid, because they have laye-
Shrek was so furious he sat up and continued his shit onto the book, and threw it out into the trees. He then turned around and saw some six Little Ponies, like he had seen in the book he had recently released his feces on. He roared a mighty ogre roar and questioned the ponies:
''What are you doin' in mah swamp?!''
The purple, (or lavender if you want to get technical) one spoke for the group.
''Well, sir, we were looking for some idiotical ogres who ate onions around here.'' She answered.
She wore a strange grin on her face as if she was hyped up on drugs. In fact all of them did, and seemed not to care than an ogre that ate onions was right in front of them.
Shrek got so angry that he punched her straight in her face and planted an onionade in it. She just sat there with a dopey smile until her head exploded into blood and guts. Then all the ponies, sat there with the a monotone voice and said it all at the same time, like a chorus,
''Oh no.'' ''Twat Sperkles, our beloved friend, has just died by a smelly explosive.'' ''Aaaagh.'' They said, in almost slow motion.
They then turned around and started to inch away. In literal inches.
Shrek took pity unto them, and decided not to kill them with an onionade for being so horribly retarded. So he walked up behind each one of them, except for the purple maned one, and snapped their necks. For the last one, he snapped her neck with a fashionable scarf he had just pulled out of no-where. He just had some weird notion to kill her with fancy clothing.
He then took their bodies back into his cottage, and plucked out their eyeballs. He also took a dull butter knife, and spread them on his toast. To garnish the plate, he put some onions on top of the toast. He then ate it, and went over to his comfy bed, and went to sleep...
It was now the next morning. Shrek decided to ignore what had happened the day before, and went out to his outhouse to take a fat ogre shit. Without reading any books of course, for safe measures. After he was done, he peeked around to make sure there weren't any more infernal ponies around. He was relieved until two ponies with wings and a horn looked down at him from the top of his outhouse and both had the same monotone voice the last ponies did and said the same sentence together,
''Oh my, it is an ogre.'' ''In fact it is the one that killed our friends.'' ''Die, ogre.'' ''We banish you to the moon.''
Shrek got irritated quickly, because the duo were now screaming: ''To the moon!''
Atleast now they had gotten off of his beloved Outhouse.
Shrek now realized it would never be ogre. But not for him, but for them. Eternal Onions. He was now pointing to the sky, and the air became smelly. The ponies were now tearing up. A giant onion fell from the heavens and it began to roll after them. The blue one now put on a fedora and they both walked away, onion slowly following them. He then took mud off the ground and painted on his face, and began to pull spears out of his magnificent ears and threw them towards the ponies, who had someone how gotten into an airplane and were now escaping.
''Stupid Farquaads.'' Shrek muttered under his breath.
It took him so long to do that, that it was now the middle of the night. He now walked back into his home and had crawled into bed.
He now pulled out a book. It was the Holy Bible of Shrek. He flipped to layer 14 and was now reading the page.
HOW TO GET ANNOYING CREATURES OUTTA YOUR SWAMP
Go out into the swamp, and release a massive shit from your anus.
Won't Margaret be impressed?
Shrek didn't remember having that page in his own Bible, which was about him, but he didn't care.
He calmly walked out into the dark swamp, and pulled down his trousers. He then squeezed out so much crap, he was sure the swamp was now 20% muddier. He repeated this process for the next 30 minutes. He then pulled up his pants and swaggered back into his house, and got into the bed. He flipped back to layer 14, and found out he hadn't entirely read the page. In tiny text it read:
May or may not bring crowds of bothersome creatures to your swamp. And the answer is no, Margaret won't be impressed.
Shrek was so furious that Margaret wouldn't be impressed that thousands of these so called ponies would invade his amazing swamp, that he burst outside, and now turned into uber shrek! Thousands even millions of ponies were outside, singing horrendous songs.
''DAMN ALL YOU FARQUAADS BACK TO THE HELLISH LANDS FROM YOU CAME!'' He screamed, with the intensity of a thousand drecks.
He then pushed his hands together, pushed them forwards, and released a mighty roar:
KAME-HAME-GETOUTTAMAHSWAMPNOW-HA!
The world then exploded. The End.
The grandfather ogre then shut the book, and his little ogre grandson looked up at him and smiled.
''Gramps, I wanna be like Supreme Ogrelord Shrek when I grow up!''
They both then shared a laugh and kneeled down in prayer:
Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life.
The rest of the story part 2
Shrek had sensed from the grave that the ponies had invaded his country. Don't question it, or you are a heretic.
Shrek burst from the ground and he quickly put on his royal armor. It had been forged in the great onion kiln, decades ago.
(Here is a visual representation.)
He was now ready for combat. He armed himself with several onionades, and put on his favorite song on his ILayer. He rushed out of the mausoleum and saw that his people were combatting the ponies he had fought so many years ago. He released a mighty roar, signalling to his people that he was back, and that it was time to rek sum skrubs. Then they all dropped their pants on the spot and released a mighty shit onto their foes, and watched as they got destroyed by the great amount of number 2.
''Hail the Supreme Ogrelord!'' They cheered as he passed.
But it was not time for celebration yet, for more pony reinforcements had come. One particular unicorn started playing some horrendous music on a turntable of some sort. It sounded like really bad dubstep, but that's because it was. Shrek decapitated her with one of her records, and soon found a grey pony hiding under the table. The pony slowly got to its hooves, and walked over to Shrek, trying to attack him with a weird banjo.
''Youh kolled mah mayurfrund vinnyel, now yugh must dah, ogger..'' It said, before Shrek planted an onionade in one of her eyesockets.
Little bits of her cranium rained down on Shrek, which he tasted, and decided needed more pepper. He then got on his hoverboard a flew out over a large group of ponies, who were destroying the monument of the Holy Onion. He began to shoot lasers out of his eyes, disintegrating a large portion of the crowd. He then jumped down onto several of them, crushing their skulls under his boots.
He pulled out a massive shotgun, and blasted into the hordes of ponies who were slowly shambling up to him, singing something about whonta wup ep, whatever that meant. One had managed to sneak up behind him, and was about to attack, right before Ogrelord Drekk ripped his head off.
''Hail, Supreme Ogrelord. I will accompany you in battle!'' He stated.
''Okay, mah laddeh. But first, carry all mah dragon bones and scales.'' Shrek requested.
''I am sworn to carry your burdens..'' Drekk sighed.
Ogrelord Drekk took them from Shrek, and they rushed off into the distance to help their comrades.
Drekk was getting annoying, because he kept using his bow at close range, so Shrek Fus Ro Dah'd him off of a cliff.
That was probably a bad idea, because some sort of new foe had appeared on the battlefield. It at first looked like a normal human he had seen back in the old days of his life, but it was really fat and had some sort of beard on his neck. He was wearing the same sort of hat the blue alicorn was wearing in his first encounter with ponies, so he assumed it was on their side.
''My name is Hugh and i'm a man and my favorite pony is rainbow dash and like i'm the best rainbow dash fan ever, I have all the T-Shirts and blankets, and plushies, and sex dolls, and posters, and I wrote like 10 shipping fanfictions with her and my OC, Crimson Black Death Alicorn, blah bleh blah bleh blergh..'' The mutant kept on going and going..
Shrek sprinted up to it, but before he could slay the beast, he was knocked back by an alicorn who had just landed on the mutant and killed it.
''I am Super Duper Death Crimson Black Death Ultra Omega Alpha Dark Alicorn, husband to all the princesses and secretly Luna's long lost son, Mega Pimp and playcolt, destroyer of realms, vagabond, handsome, charming, handsome, has to stop his inner demons from killing everyone, is secretly a demon, god, musician, cowboy, fashion designer, murderer, magician, and boyfriend to all the Mane 6, and a hobo! You cannot defeat me!'' He said with a grin.
(Here is a visual representation.)
''Me laddeh, you're going to regret ever coming into these swamps.'' Shrek chuckled.
Shrek signalled for his elite soldiers, the Ogrelords to help him in battle, except for Drekk for obvious reasons. They rushed at Super Duper Death Crimson Black Death Ultra Omega Alpha Dark Alicorn, and dogpiled him, but it was no use. He released a burst of pure energy, blasting them away and killing them. Shrek did a salute to his fallen comrades, for their bravery and their service for the country. Shrek wasn't messing around anymore, this was a dangerous enemy.
He shot some rounds from his shotgun at the alicorn, but he deflected them back at Shrek with his magic. Shrek did a matrix move and dodged each round that was launched back at him. Shrek got his katana out, and sliced at the Mega Pimp, but the ugly horse dodged each one. In return, the alicorn released a volley of magical arrows, but only one had struck the ogre. Shrek winced in pain as the arrow went through his shoulder, and it quickly disappeared. Shrek pulled a spear out of his majestic ears, and tried to skewer the fashion designer. Each time he jabbed it at his foe, it missed. Shrek was exhausted from all the fighting.
''Don't you get it, stupid beast? You can't defeat me! Ever!'' The Mary Sue cackled.
''No, mah laddeh.. I am the eternal ogre.. The One who holds the powers only the first ogre could wield. I am loved by my people, but you, mah laddeh? You're a worm. To my people, I am love, and I am life. I can never truly be defeated, so I will use the last of my life force to destroy you. I will come back some day, and you.. will be ashes.'' Shrek said, ready to end this battle, finally.
Shrek slowly reached his arms towards the alicorn, and strangled him to death. He then stood up and said:
''Just kidding. I don't feel like doing a dramatic ending today.'' He laughed.
Then he all all the other ogres went a rock concert, and it was awesome.
Equestria was a peaceful land. All the little ponies roamed free and happy, eating the flesh of ogres. It had been like a warmth had spread across the nation, puring it of any bad things to come. It was almost like nothing bad could possibly happen.
....
.......
...........
Ahem. I SAID IT WAS ALMOST LIKE NOTHING BAD COULD HAPPEN!
Suddenly, a giant onion rained down from the sky, and on top of it was an army of ogres, ready to invade! The onion hit the ground and it exploded. All the ogres died. So, nothing bad happened. Princess Celestia then ate all the dead green corpses because she's a fatty McfatFatt. Oh, and luna got a terminal illness and died. Oh well. Nopony cared about her anyway. So, the world continued on, undisturbed by the ogre menace. It was so great that all the ponies got overexcited and had a heart attack. Boo fucking hoo.
Then the ogres came and claimed the nation as Ukraine. They thought it was very original.
Then, the author kept writing a bunch of fucking filler and ended the story right there.
DONE MOTHERFUCKER.
The rest of the story part 1
The Ogre grandfather and his little Ogre grandson had finished their prayer. They were going outside to frolic in the Onion fields, but some ugly horse bitch surprise attacked the grandson and ripped his asscheeks off. The End.
Thanks for reading the story.
Just Kidding.
