Jim The Retarded Pony

by NotAnthony

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Sex
Length: 1067

Jim has been dealt a bad hand in life but tries and fails to make the most of it.

On an epic quest to get high a pony does things he isn't proud of.

Published 2014-04-22 02:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-22 02:20:07 UTC

Chapter 1

Kicks, neighs, and small amounts of placenta brought a wonderful parcel of flesh, bones, and 3 copies of the twenty first chromosome into the world. Granted this pony may have not been the sharpest knife in the tool block (In fact even the pestle was sharper than him) he still had street smarts. Eventually said street smarts would lead to absolutely nothing because as we know Equestria has no streets but only sad little dirt roads covered in hoof tracks and horse droppings. This sad shitty little retarded pony was unable to walk properly and had a flat face because as we all know down syndrome tends to do that. (Not the walking but I just felt like adding that in because I fucking hate this hypothetical pony with a passion.) His mother ended up drinking horse piss which is pretty much the Equestria equivalent of bleach. (Very Amanda Toddish I know.) So now we have retarded Jim walking around Equestria with no mother and the father being gone because who the fuck knows maybe he was a player.

One day Jim decided he needed a job because he had bills and shit to pay. Unfortunately for Jim the economy of Equestria was in the shitter because an Utopic Economy isn’t stable e.g. Russia, North Korea, Old China, and a whole lot of other shitty countries. On top of the shitty Equestrian economy Jim’s mother didn’t leave him behind a college fund and he wasn’t educated. Jim decided the best way to make money was to work in a glue factory. Jim was well suited to this job because he had abysmal social skills and sympathy plus he had retard strength so he could easily carry 5 or 6 dead ponies into the incinerator. (I assume this is how glue is made but don’t take my word for it.) Well carrying his dead pony brethren to the incinerator day and night took its toll on his psyche eventually and made him really depressed. Jim was now a depressed, flat-faced, retarded, down syndrome pony with a limp. Of course none of the other ponies in Equestria wanted to be friends with this asshole pony because he kept incinerating their corpses for glue and was just overall unsociable. This also fucked with Jim’s psyche and eventually he began hallucinating that the dead ponies he was lugging to the incinerator were talking and such.

The ponies would do disney style dancing and singing however the one small problem with this is that they were dead.
“Finally!” exclaimed Jim. “Friends at last.”
Well by this point Jim was pretty off his rocker because he was hallucinating that the dead people he was lugging to the incinerator were his friends. He was dead wrong however he liked to imagine that perhaps he wasn’t the most unloved pony in all of Equestria. Even the love god pony thing didn’t want to be associated with him. (I haven’t seen her so again don’t take my word for it.) Eventually the owner of the glue factory discovered the hate going to Jim and decided to fire him because he didn’t want his business name tainted.

Poor little Jim was now homeless and hated by all with nothing to show for it. He was just chillin in an alleyway one day doing whatever ponies do when another one walked up to him and asked if he was down on his luck. Of course Jim said yes because in all honestly it was a surprise he wasn’t dead as of yet. Well the other pony offered him magical friendship crystals that would make all of Jim’s problems go away. Jim accepted but only later realized it was pony methamphetamine. Not even a four days later Jim was in an alleyway sucking full blown horse dicks so he could buy more meth to fund his pony meth addiction. Well eventually he wasn’t able to suck enough dicks to buy another hit of meth so he decided to go right to the source.

Jim started his march to the Crystal Empire so he could lick the walls and get hella high. Jim was imagining it now and since they have Red Box in Equestria he had seen Scarface. Well Jim already had it all planned out he would smash the wall with his retard strengths and reenact that scene. Well jim was walking down the path when all of the sudden his retarded pony father jumped out of a bush to rob him.

“Liek OMG dis mah dad!” exclaimed Jim.

“Suck yo dick fo a dolla.” said a confused and yet aroused father.

“Bitch chu owe me twentay fucken years of child support!” declared an also aroused hispanic sounding Jim.

“Fine bitch you can pay off your debt by sucking my dick.” announced an overwhelmingly horny Jim.

So thus began the father son dick sucking but and once Jim climaxed (A fucking lot by the way because he was a freaking pony) his high started to wear off and he realized that if he didn’t get to the Crystal Empire in time he would be sober. So off went Jim with a limp in his stride and a smile on his face as he once again begin thinking of getting really freaking high.

After a long ass walk or whatever ponies do he finally arrived at the Crystal Empire. Jim started breaking shit off the walls and shit because he just didn’t give a damn about their security deposit and proceeded to snort the building. Unfortunately for Jim the castle had ADT security and the alarms went off. (I assume it’s a castle but alas I haven’t watched the show.) After about an hour the Equestria equivalent of the police showed up and started beating the shit out of Jim for defiling such a sacred building. Jim then wound up on death row because in Equestria they don’t have fair trials and just execute evil doers kinda like a pony Taliban regime. Anyways after Jim wasted time on the trials he was promptly shot in the face by friendship lasers and then lugged away to a glue factory and turned into a frosty pint of Elmers.

Shoutout to The Gunny he taught me how to read and write!
I’m going to stop writing now because my cat smells like Tandoori Chicken and I don’t know why.