Gilda strolled through the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange, scowling. She'd been here for hours and thus far the show had completely failed to live up to its hype. She rolled her eyes as she remembered the words of the locals when she'd been here a month earlier for the Equestria Games qualifying round.
"You've got to see it to believe it!"
"If you can't find it at the Exchange, it doesn't exist."
"Leave your bits at home and bring your trash – it might just be somepony else's treasure!"
Words to lure in the dumb tourists, no doubt. Which technically, she conceded, currently included herself. Maybe some of this junk was useful to pony dweebs, but there was absolutely nothing here for the coolest griffin on the continent. Of course, the fact remained that there weren't all that many griffins on this particular continent but that part wasn't important. Being cool was all about selling your image to the uncool masses.
Right now though, being cool meant being anywhere but here. She resisted the urge to bolt – there were still two more aisles to go down. She might just yet salvage this trip. If not she could always just dump all her junk on top of some hapless pony and 'trade it' for a laugh at his misfortune. The way all these dweebs were eating up this stupid flea market he'd probably thank her for all the free stuff.
She meandered up the next row, passing tables brimming with toys, games, glassware, and one stand completely filled with disco balls and leisure suits. Just as she came across a stand full of Discord lamps, she caught a glimpse of a prismatic tail. She peered around the corner and much to her horror found Rainbow Dash and one of her dweeb friends bickering with the stall's owner. "So much for enjoying myself. Time to bail on this Popsicle stand." She turned around and smashed into a white pegasus with a blonde mane.
"Whoa, I didn't see that one coming..." the pegasus shook her head to clear her vision. "Did anypony get the number of the cart that ran me over?"
"Well, well, well. If it isn't the annoying dweeb Wonderbolt who started the whole pastry incident at the qualifying races for the Equestria Games."
"That's me! I'm Surprise...and you totally surprised me! Way to go! Not many ponies get the drop on me... I guess it takes a griffin to!"
The more Surprise prattled on the more she started to remind Gilda of somepony else. Somepony who shared a very similar cutie mark. "You wouldn't by any chance be related to a pony by the name of Pinkie Pie, would you?"
"Nah, but I get that a lot!" Surprise snorted. "We're totally friends though!"
"Great, that means I have yet another reason to hate you."
Gilda snarled at her, but Surprise just laughed it off. "You're totally a grumpy-pants griffin!" She booped Gilda on the beak. "Now if you're all done posturing and acting tough, why don't we do some trading? I mean, that's like why we're both here, right?"
"Like yeah, totally," Gilda replied, mocking the pegasus' silly accent.
"Exactly!" The sarcasm had gone entirely over Surprise's head. "So let me show you what I brought!" She shoved the griffin towards an empty picnic table in the food court and dumped the contents of her saddlebags onto the table for Gilda to inspect. There were whoopee cushions in assorted sizes and textures, joke books, a few boxes of sneezing powder, and multiple other prank items. And one rubber ducky, which Surprise quickly yanked off the table and dropped back into her saddlebag. "Baby Quackers isn't for sale." She dropped her voice, "I just never leave home without him."
"Fascinating collection of lame prank items. Half of these are the reason why I want to rip Pinkie Pie's face off and force feed it to her."
"Oh," Surprise's smile faltered. "So you're not a fan of pranks then?"
"Are you kidding? Of course I love pranks. But only funny pranks. Joy buzzers? Overdone. Whoopee cushions? So clichéd it hurts just thinking about them. And these joke books are so old they were probably written before Celestia raised the sun for the first time."
"So what do you consider a good prank?"
Gilda grinned. "I'll trade you that information for you taking an éclair to the face. I still owe you for what happened last month."
"Make it three and you've got a deal!"
"You're not supposed to enjoy it."
"Too bad, if you smash tasty sweets into my face I'm going to enjoy it and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
"It's times like these when I wish broccoli was messier. I suppose I could cook it and then smother it with butter and cheddar cheese..."
Surprise's lower lip quivered at the mention of the b-word. "Not that. Anything but that. I'll be good." She sat still and closed her eyes. Three éclairs were smashed into her face and chocolate dripped down her face and mane. She stuck her tongue out and slurped them all up. "Yummy! Now that that's out of the way, tell me the secret to a good prank!"
"I've got a better idea. How about the two of us team up to prank one of Pinkie Pie's pranking buddies. Here's what I've got in mind..."
"Rainbow Dash? Is that you?"
The blue pegasus turned her attention away from the fragile chalices in front of her to find one of the Wonderbolts directly behind her. "Surprise?"
"That's me! Were you surprised?"
"Well, yeah. I wasn't expecting to find a Wonderbolt here."
"Oh don't be silly... this is the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange. You can find anything here! Including a Wonderbolt or two!"
"Does that mean I can trade my way onto the team?" Dash asked hopefully.
Surprise snorted. "Of course not, but keep that sense of humor. You'll need it! Anyways, I was just wondering if your friend Pinkie Pie is here?"
"Yeah, but I'm not sure where she ran off to."
"Don't worry, I'll find her. But I'm glad you're here too! I know how badly you want to be on the team so I guess it's only fitting you get to be one of the first to meet the newest Wonderbolt. Her first show is next weekend!"
Gilda walked out from around the corner dressed in full Wonderbolt regalia. "Dash."
"G?"
"The one and only. So this dweeb Spitfire saw me walking down the street and said I had just the stuff they were looking for. I turned her down three times but then she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I didn't even have to take a flight test or nothin'. She just took one look at these babies and I was in!" She flexed her wings for emphasis.
"The only downside of that, though, is that our budget's going to be a little tighter the next few years to afford her salary, but we're all pretty confident she'll bring in big enough crowds to make back our investment in her." Surprise beamed. "Still, we probably won't be doing smaller shows like Ponyville next year. And we won't be adding any more positions for a long time to come."
"But you should still hang onto your dreams though. Maybe Soarin' will retire. Talk about a weak flyer. Totally lame."
"Hey! He's not weak or lame. He's just...not as good as you are. But then again, who is? You totally have to see her fly sometime, Rainbow. She's totally cool!"
"She's seen me fly. We went to flight camp together. I taught her everything she knows." Gilda rubbed a talon on her chest as she followed Surprise away from the chalice stand. "Anyways, we've gotta dash, Dash. Catch up with you some other time."
Rainbow Dash sat there moving her jaw open and closed for the next two minutes. No sounds came out as she watched the two of them weave their way through the market before they were lost from sight. She turned to Fluttershy and wailed, "How could they pick her over me?!? I'm twice the flyer she is!"
Fluttershy patted a wing on Rainbow's back. "There, there. Everypony knows you're the most amazing flyer in all of Ponyville. Maybe she's just there to fill a quota or something. I'm sure you'll be their very next choice."
"Oh that was great! Did you see the look on her face?"
"Totally! You don't think it'll hurt her though, do you?"
"Nah, I've known Dash since we were little. She'll take this as a personal challenge to prove herself superior to me and hence more worthy of being on the Wonderbolts team. And she does have a laziness problem so more motivation can't possibly hurt. Or, more likely than not, she'll just go to Spitfire and complain about how I was made a Wonderbolt before her and then end up with egg on her face as she realizes she was pranked. Now... I think we have one more order of business before we're done here. But we're gonna need some costumes and an accomplice..."
As Surprise and Gilda searched the Exchange for the items they needed the silence between the two became awkward. Gilda took another glance at the pegasus' flank: three purple party balloons. They were even arranged just like Pinkie Pie's; if not for the coloration of the balloons they'd have identical cutie marks.
"See anything you like?" Surprise shook her flank and giggled.
"Er... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare, but it just strikes me as odd how similar your cutie mark is to Pinkie Pie's. And you swear the two of you aren't related?"
"If we are it's so distantly neither of us knows it. She comes from a long line of rock farming earth ponies and I come from a long line... but I forgot what I was waiting for so I got out of line. Our cutie marks are similar because we have similar special talents."
"Partying?"
"Sort of. Throwing parties is her specialty and mine is throwing surprise parties. She likes to make her friends smile, while I prefer makin' 'em laugh. But laughs bring smiles and vice versa, so we use a lot of the same tricks, jokes, and pranks."
"So how did a pony with a penchant for throwing surprise parties end up on the most elite flight squadron in all Equestria?"
"I was fresh outta flight school and I needed a job. I couldn't find any jobs planning parties, but the Wonderbolts were hiring and well... The only instruction Spitfire gave us new recruits was 'impress me' so that's what I did. I flew into the clouds, tied a bunch of balloons around myself, and floated there waiting for Spitfire to come close enough to throw her a midair surprise party. It took all day but eventually she flew right past the cloudbank I was hiding in. And it's a good thing I brought those balloons, there's no way I could have hovered there that long under my own wingpower! I caught her so off-guard she lost her sunglasses! I was the only recruit from our class to sufficiently impress her. She was amazed by my stealth capabilities, patience, dedication to completing a task I set out to do, and my creativity. She invited me into the Wonderbolts based on my ability to think outside the box. I've stayed on because I managed to turn my routine into a comedy act. So I'm making the audience laugh, which makes me happy. And I provide a lighthearted distraction while the rest of the team prepares between sets. It's been a real win-win for the whole team!"
"Huh, cool. I just don't get how you can be so epic while a pony so similar to you can be so lame."
"Hey! Pinkie Pie's not lame. What's your problem with her, anyway?"
Gilda brought Surprise up to speed on what had happened in Ponyville several years earlier.
"Hmn, yeah. I can totally see Pinkie Pie doing that. She's not one for taking 'no' as an answer. Especially if the question is 'Want to be my friend?' Becoming an unwanted third wheel is something she's unfortunately pretty good at. I struggled with the same thing myself. But once you attend as many high society shindigs as I've suffered through you start learning how to read ponies better. A lot of influential ponies mask their true feelings and feign indifference or outright disapproval, even when they're having the time of their life. Other times they're really ticked off or bored stiff but pretending to have a good time. And sometimes they're actually having a good time. It was soooooooo confusing at first. It made my brain hurt. Then one of the other Wonderbolts, Fleetfoot, educated me on the little nuances that I was missing. Pinkie hasn't had that kind of training, but she's a good pony at heart."
Gilda pondered Surprise's words. "I still owe her the prank to end all pranks as payback. Once we get that over and done with, then I'll consider forgiving her and we'll see where it goes from there. But first, vengeance will be mine."
"Okie dokie lokie! While you've been ranting, I've located everything we need. Costumes, three stands ahead on the left. You get those, while I take care of the accomplice we need. I spotted an old friend of mine who'd be absolutely perfect for this part!"
Gilda stomped over to the costume vendor. "I'm going to make this short and to the point. You're going to trade those two costumes for all this..." She pointed a wing at the two outfits she needed while dumping out a half-dozen random objects from her saddlebag. "This isn't open to debate."
"There's a princess on duty to make sure all trades are fair to both parties..."
"Do I look like the kind of griffin who cares what a princess says or does?"
"Not particularly..."
"Exactly. Now, that's my best offer. You can take it, or I can just take the costumes and be on my way and you get nothing."
"Fine, I'll take it."
"Good choice. Pleasure doing business with you!" She added 'dweeb' under her breath as she walked away.
The costumer looked over the items Gilda had left him. They weren't what he wanted, but they weren't completely worthless junk either. He'd heard tales of griffin haggling, though this was his first encounter with it. Apparently the idea was both parties would intimidate their way into a mutual agreement. Except that really only worked when it was two griffins – try as they might, ponies just weren't built to intimidate griffins, though a few of the bigger, more muscular earth ponies could hold their own in negotiations. All in all he had to consider it a fair trade. And there was still plenty of time to trade these unwanted items off for things he did...
"So will you do it? Huh, huh, huh?"
Wind Whistler stood in front of her old friend, mouth agape, trying to calculate exactly how many laws Surprise wanted her to break. A sane, rational pony would walk away without even dignifying such an offer with a response. So that's exactly what she did, though Surprise continued following her.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
"As far away from this conversation as possible."
"So is that a yes or a no?"
"No."
"I'll trade you! A favor for a favor – anything you want from me, all you have to do is name it!"
"An interesting proposition, but you possess nothing I desire."
"If you agree to do it I'll promise not to follow you around the rest of the day begging you to help me out with this prank."
"That's not a trade, Surprise. That's blackmail."
"Is it more effective?" Surprise asked hopefully.
"No."
"But if you don't do it Gilda will never forgive Pinkie Pie and they'll never be friends!"
"That would mean more to me if I knew who Pinkie Pie and Gilda are."
"Oh! Well, you see, Pinkie is a friend of mine and Gilda's this griffin..."
"That wasn't an invitation to describe them to me. Now if you'll excuse me, I see something I wish to purchase." She turned her attention to a table next to her. "Excuse me, I'm interested in this vintage wind chime. What are you looking to trade for it?"
"I was hoping to get some pegasi wingblades."
"They outlawed those thousands of years ago, at the time of the first Hearth's Warming! They're far more valuable than an old wind chime. There are probably less than a hundred examples left in all of Equestria."
"So does that mean you have some?"
"No. I just happen to be a student of history, for I believe those who don't learn from the mistakes of others in the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. Such barbaric ancient relics were banned for a reason."
"One set of wingblades, Wonderbolts issue." Surprise tossed them on the table. "They're not exactly vintage, but while my friend here is a walking encyclopedia of history, she's a little out of date with current events. The Wonderbolts have been using them for reenactments for the last three years. They're fully functional, not rusty at all except that one spot where I spilled grape soda on them, and they make great bottle openers."
"I'm not accepting this bribe." Wind Whistler glared at Surprise.
"It's not a bribe. You said 'no' and I'm taking you at face value. This is just my way of apologizing for wasting your time. Thanks anyway."
"I'll do it."
Surprise stopped, mid-step. "Really?"
"Really."
"Awesome! You won't regret this!"
"Oh, I'm sure I'll regret this. My brain is already running twenty-six different scenarios on exactly how this is going to backfire spectacularly."
"About time you got back. I've been waiting for almost an hour!"
"Windy here's a tough negotiator. I had to trade something that's gonna get me in trouble at work. That's the third set of wingblades I've 'lost' in as many years. I hope this plan of yours is worth it."
"It's going to be the most epic prank ever! Here's how it's gonna go down..."
"Excuse me, miss. I need you to come with me." Wind Whistler's no-nonsense monotone voice was the perfect compliment to her Royal Guard uniform.
"Am I in trouble?"
"Not yet. But you see, we have a problem. There are two identical pink mares running around. One of you is likely a changeling and we have ways of determining that. Just follow me to the security building and we'll have this whole mess sorted out quickly and you'll be back on your way. Unless of course you're the fake, in which case we've recently been authorized to take extreme measures against any changeling impersonating a pony, up to and including death."
Pinkie Pie gasped. "Princess Celestia would never authorize something like that!"
"She would and did after the changeling attack on Canterlot. The safety of the nation comes first, miss. You have nothing to fear if you're really who you claim to be."
"I am!" Pinkie Pie bounced after the blue pegasus, mind racing. "I feel sorry for the poor changeling. I mean they're all icky and mean but still, I can't believe the princess would just agree to such extreme measures." Wind Whistler led Pinkie to a room where, true to her word, another Pinkie Pie stood under the careful watch of a massive griffin wearing a Wonderbolts uniform. "Is that Gilda? Nah, can't be."
"Normally we have unicorns perform a detection spell, but as you can see I lack a horn." Wind Whistler stretched her wings and took out a small magical device. "Thankfully, the unicorns are more than happy to charge up these little changeling detectors for the pegasus and earth pony guards to use. Let's see if it works." She held it towards Gilda and nothing happened. She passed it by herself and the other Pinkie Pie with no reaction from the machine. As she dragged it near Pinkie Pie it started beeping and booping. "Looks like we have a winner."
"Hey! I'm not a changeling, I'm a Mirror Pool clone... wait, I mean, I'm the real Pinkie Pie!"
"That's not what this machine is saying. Gilda, destroy it."
"So that's the changeling?" Gilda asked, pointing to the real Pinkie Pie. "And this is the real Pinkie Pie?" She motioned to the disguised Surprise.
"Yes."
"Excellent, I'd hate to make a mistake..." Gilda pounced upon Surprise and started ripping into her. Pinkie Pie trembled in horror as she watched the griffin attack what she thought was the real Pinkie Pie. "This is payback you psycho..." Surprise quickly shed the Pinkie Pie disguise, revealing a changeling costume underneath. She stuffed the Pinkie Pie costume into Gilda's Wonderbolt costume while the griffin was blocking the view of the other two mares. "Hey! This is the changeling!"
"That's odd, the machine's never wrong. But good work, Gilda. Your keen senses detected a changeling where the machine failed. Congratulations! I'll make sure you get a commendation for this! Now finish that freakish bug off once and for all. But let me step out first. Forgive me, I have a weak stomach." Wind Whistler turned and left the building.
Pinkie Pie was shaking just as badly as the 'changeling' was. "I'll deal with you later," Gilda said, tossing the disguised Surprise aside. She turned her attention towards the pink mare. "This day has been a long time coming, dweeb." She ran a talon across the pink pony's throat, then dragged it across her crest, withers, back, flank, and all the way down her left rear leg. "Oh yes, I'm going to cut you open and bake your carcass into a pie. A pinkie pie made from a real Pinkie Pie! Any last words before I slit your throat?"
"Yes! Lots of them! We'll start with filibuster. Do you know what that means?"
"Not a clue."
Pinkie pulled a dictionary out of thin air. "In that case, I think it's time I improved your vocabulary. When I'm done you'll even know new words that mean the same thing as dweeb. That way you can vary your insults up a bit!" She started reading the dictionary, word for word.
Halfway through the A's Surprise whined. "Make it stooooooooooop."
Gilda awoke with a start. "Huh?"
"You dozed off somewhere around 'aardvark' but I kept reading. Hopefully you absorbed the information anyway!"
"Wait, if Gilda was asleep, why didn't you take the chance to escape?" Surprise asked.
"Because that wouldn't have been funny. Hey! Wait a second! Surprise, is that you?"
"Yepperdoodle!" The Wonderbolt shed the changeling costume.
"Then you should already know that! And what's up with the costume?"
"We've totally been pranking you. Are you surprised?"
"Indubitably!"
"Yeah, dweeb, now we're even. I got to see you shake and shiver thinking I was gonna eat you."
"Now shake and make up!" Surprise added. "Then you can be friends!"
Pinkie Pie extended a hoof and Gilda stood there looking at it. "I said I'd consider friendship after pranking her. I didn't say it was a sure thing."
"Bah, what's there to consider! Everybody needs a little Pinkie Pie in their life," Surprise said. "I know I do!"
"Me too, me too!"
"You are Pinkie Pie. You have to be in your own life." Gilda smacked a talon into her face. That's a lot trickier than it looks to pull off without poking an eye out.
"Please?" Pinkie Pie asked. "It would mean a lot to Dashie to be back on speaking terms with you again. She misses you, even if she won't say it out loud. You know how she is..."
"Yeah, hanging out with Dash again would be kinda awesome." Gilda extended a talon towards the party planner. "Friends."
"Friends!" Pinkie Pie beamed. "You know what this calls for? A party!"
"Awww, but you said it out loud so that means it's no longer going to be a surprise party." Surprise pouted.
While the new friends continued talking, outside the door Wind Whistler smiled. Things were going to work out just fine for Surprise and her friends. She removed the Royal Guard outfit and stuffed it into her saddlebag – there was no way she was entrusting such a thing to Surprise. Now positive that she wasn't going to need to swoop in and save their necks at the last second, she flapped her wings and took to the sky. She still had some trading to do.
