Damn, do I hate changelings.
Before any of you out there decide to play the card about how royals aren’t supposed to use profanities or even colloquialisms, I apologize in advance. It’s just…the last few days have taken a toll on me. I daresay they’ve done so in more ways that anypony could understand. After all, shouldn’t a newlywed be a bit happier, even if that wedding had involved you finding out your wife was kidnapped?
Before anypony asks, it’s not the marriage that’s giving me this ennui. If anything, marrying Cadance is probably going to turn out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. The thing I don’t like about any of this is how it’s bringing the pony I used to be back to light for all to see, even those who never knew me then. For the first time in what seems like forever, I’ve had to take off work, and I’ve basically been lingering in bed for four days now.
It seems that changeling magic takes a while to wear off, and that’s what everypony else thinks. Actually, that’s what I hope is going on right now as well. Because if it’s not—no, I can’t think about that. I can’t think about what would happen if that returned. It doesn’t matter so much that Twilight would see it—no matter how hard I tried to hide it back home, she caught onto it pretty quickly, and it didn’t help that she had to attend all my medical visits with my parents back when she was still a filly. But Cadance—she certainly never knew my old self as much as Twilight did. Perhaps that’s why she makes me feel so comfortable when I’m around her. Perhaps that’s why I fear a regression so much: because if she knew, it might be too hard on her.
Among various other side effects, changeling magic causes terrible migraines, as studies are beginning to show. I lived through it firsthoof, and to me, it was much more than just a few headaches coming on. I can’t stand saying this, but for me, it was a relapse. When other ponies would see me panicking at the wedding, they’d naturally think it was the normal things grooms worry about, but honestly, it had more to do with figuring out how to conquer these little imps of the mind before anypony else found out. If it got too obvious, surely nopony would want a unicorn with flawed magic as captain of the guard? After all, the only reason unicorns end up with these problems is due to relative inabilities to control magic, or at least, so the doctors say. Even after the battle, I can’t help but wonder if the barrier around Canterlot dissipated so quickly because I was too distracted by the pain to focus. It had to be. I’m sure Twilight could have done it without a problem; after all, she can pick up anything. Right?
Secretly, I call the self that’s been presented to Equestria as Captain of the Royal Guard as “Gilded Armor.” My name, to put it bluntly, is itself a misnomer. I learned from an early age that while the word “gilded” is commonly used in the same sense as in “shining,” its true meaning implies falseness. Something gilded has an exterior of gold, but contains something darker and of limited worth within. The minute I heard about that other meaning, I thought of myself. I thought of how, even from a young age, my instinct had been to hide my illness. As the oldest in my family, I put on an appearance of strength and health so nopony could see what we were actually going through. And, as much as I love Twilight, I’ve even hidden things from her. For instance, how sometimes, even now, I feel pangs of jealousy for how easy she has it when it comes to magic, how she can summon spells in an instant that would cause me to overload after a while. How she can just keep going with her special skill with seemingly no pain whatsoever.
Speaking of pain—another throb comes for me. Normally, the headaches just stay around my forehead close to my horn, but this time I feel them all over. I haven’t had them this badly in…at least five years, from my recollections. This day is absolutely perfect.
I plop my head against my pillow, thinking of how quickly I can get to sleep, the one realm where I always remembered that they never occurred. Back to bed for me, I guess. It’s the only way out of this. I just hope it doesn’t persist for the rest of the week, much less the rest of my career.
I really am no better than a changeling, aren’t I?
****
Another day, another hospital. My mind flashes back to my colthood, back when my schedule consisted of more appointments than parties of any kind. Every doctor thinks they have the miracle cure to magic-induced migraines. For a little while, I’d actually go along with it, sharing the same sentiments with my parents that the issue would soon pass. To this day, I still have a bag full of various pills and brews that they thought would solve the problem. I don’t know why I still keep them, at least, not when it’d be so easy for somepony else to find them. Maybe they serve as a little reminder of what I used to be. What I could end up reverting to at any moment. The way they can mess with you.
Now, it wasn’t so much the doctors I disliked as it was the pills. If anything, the doctors just got a bit annoying after a while. All had the same questions, the same small talk, everything. They’d all brag about how they’d had young clients like me just about cured already. But the pills they’d prescribe were a mixed bag. Some would actually improve somepony’s condition. Others would just end up giving you weird dreams or dizziness or even a lingering sense of indigestion. Most of them just did nothing and tasted terrible.
I’d had the problem for as long as Twily could remember, so of course she was bound to wonder someday why her older brother seemed confined to his bed so often. You have no idea how much that embarrassed me as the one to become the next head of the family. To even have my own sister figure it out meant that I clearly wasn’t going through my routine as much as I needed to.
You might not think that this whole façade of being strong is necessary, but to me, it was basically an inescapable part of my survival. With a young unicorn filly of such magical strength, especially at such an age, there’s a lot of pressure on a family. I couldn’t deal with it. But I had to pretend that I could for Twily’s sake. She looked up to me so much that she couldn’t possibly bear to see me lash out at her. It’d break her little heart in two. Keeping these feelings inside wasn’t the most pleasant thing for me, but it was far better than what could have happened if I didn’t.
One day, she even admitted that she was jealous of me. She told me that she thought I was brave for being able to live through all of this, and that she’d certainly go insane from having to wait the amounts of time that I did before casting a spell. Even then, I couldn’t admit that she was the enviable one in the family. But, somehow, at that moment, she knew. How somepony who’d barely experienced companionship did so, I’ll never know, but somehow, she did. Foals sure are weird like that.
“Shining,” she whispers to me, “Mom and Dad figured that there was something you’ve been hiding. You’ve been distancing yourself from me. I’m sorry if I did anything to make it worse.”
“None of it is your fault,” I sigh. “I’m the one who’s the real problem. At this point, I’m just burdening all of you, aren’t I?”
“Of course not!” she shouts. “I don’t understand, though. How could you possibly envy me?! You’re perfect, and everypony loves you. You’ve already gotten offers from Princess Celestia to join her forces. You don’t even have to attend the training sessions like I do.”
“That’s probably out of concern for my condition, though. Besides, can you even join the royal guard with the health I’m in? At this point, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just a lost cause. Somepony like you, who’s naturally gifted at magic, would probably be much better at it.”
“You think I’m better than you just because I can do a bunch of different spells? Who cares if that’s the case when yours are so specialized? Sure, you’re far better at defensive spells than offensive ones, but your barrier spells are amazing and I’m sure the princess can fix all that other stuff. She’s likely far better at it than all the doctors we’ve been going to.”
I stare at Twilight, attempting to brace myself for what I’m about to reveal. I know she isn’t going to take this well at all, but it’s the real reason why I’ve been avoiding her. She’ll surely move on, though, I tell myself. Maybe she’ll finally get around to making friends like everypony’s been goading her to do. I shouldn’t let myself get too emotional about it. After all, when something—or somepony—is broken, it’s never too hard to find a replacement.
“Mom, Dad, and I have already worked it out, but…I won’t be coming with you to Canterlot. If you end up passing the princess’s exam, you’ll be leaving the three of us behind.”
“No!” she yells at the top of her lungs. I smile as her voice comes to that adorable squeaky tone that foals tend to have when they get too excited. “I already knew that I couldn’t take Mom or Dad, but if you won’t be there, I won’t go, either! You don’t realize how much Princess Celestia needs you! How much…I need you.”
“You’ll find somepony else, I promise. You don’t need to be held down by somepony as broken as I am, who can barely even do most spells right.”
“That doesn’t make you broken, you idiot! Do you think I’m just better at these sorts of things than you are?! You may not remember, but I’ll have you know that I studied as hard as I could to get to the way I am now. You still perform just fine, even with your medical problems. The real problem is that you spend so much time comparing yourself to others that you fail to realize just how great you really are.”
I just keep smiling and stop arguing. What can I say, I’ve always had a soft spot for the little filly. After all, she represents all the hopefulness and naiveté I’ve somehow lost throughout the years. Looking back, she’s always been the one who ends up saving me in the end. I can only hope that I someday do the same for her.
Who knows? Perhaps I already have.
****
“There. Now that’s the positive stallion I like to see.”
A soothing, lilting voice rescues me from the flashbacks, one that is, sappiness aside, probably the sweetest I know. The pink alicorn standing beside my bed has a concerned look on her face despite her comforting message, and I begin to realize that I really have been worrying her. I’ve been worrying all of them.
I give a slight sigh of satisfaction as I close the book that I’ve been writing in for these past few hours, glad that my toil is finally over. The cover is beat up after all these years of gathering dust, but one can easily tell that it’s meant to be a journal. Well, technically a diary, considering the fact that Twilight was the one who gave it to me, claiming it was the only one she could find at the store. Girly cover, glitter, cutesy lock, and all. Yet, when I look at it now, I can’t help but flash a small grin. Enclosed within it were detailed accounts of all I’d been through, including the day when I realized that I’d finally been cured. It turns out that what did the trick wasn’t any sort of medication at all: the royal doctors just knew their trade much more than the ones I’d been to, and there were more than a few suspicions that, with the fortune they surely had, there was no need for them to endorse whoever made the pills in the first place, so they could move straight ahead to other methods. Whatever the reason, it was nothing short of a miracle.
I recall listening to my records at full blast that night.
“It’s a good thing that I remembered about your headache journal,” my wife continues.
“How was any of this necessary?” I sigh back at her, a bit miffed at slaving away on an account that nopony would ever really see. “You know I hate writing in the journal. It’s absolutely pointless!”
“That’s what the doctors would always tell you to do, remember?” she answers with a chuckle. “But, for the record, I’m glad you’re feeling better.”
“Yeah, but that sure won’t be able to change anything about this relapse. Can you imagine what would happen if ponies found out about—“
“There’s a lot more tolerance for those with magical conditions now, keep in mind. And besides, the doctors were able to run tests, and they aren’t detecting any instability in your aura. You do realize what that means, don’t you?”
“You mean I was worrying over nothing?” I groan.
“Exactly. You merely have the same sort of migraine that comes with sickness. It still hasn’t come back. And if it does, we’ll certainly be there for you. Even if it did relapse—“
“What? Are you suggesting that I could be replaced?”
“No. I’m saying that your soldiers would always be willing to fight for you, even if what you face isn’t a concrete, flesh-and-blood enemy. They’re not the only ones, either. I’m not sure about some mares, but when I vowed that whole ‘in sickness and in health’ thing, I definitely meant it. There is nothing that can keep those close to you away, no secret that can shatter this sort of bond. Just know that no matter how harsh you are to yourself, everypony around you can certainly tell you aren’t broken. You may have thought you were long ago, but you were able to repair yourself and fulfill your destiny regardless.”
I no longer believe that there are two selves hidden within me. While I may have used my emotions to deceive others long ago, eventually, the two halves of me came together into one flawed, but beloved, being. One who realizes that illness, while certainly an obstacle in the course of life, can wound neither the spirit nor the true personality inside. As I become the Prince of the Crystal Empire, I take this opportunity to become somepony new, somepony who can learn to ignore the darkness whispering from within and who can float towards the light. I’ll never fully overcome it, but I can learn not to listen for the sake of those who I know it would end up harming. And it was a few simple words that sent me towards that path.
“And as long as you realize that, your heart will never be gilded.”
Author's Note
As much as I hate breaking the self-insert rule, this is actually based somewhat on personal experience with headaches. I mainly ended up writing this as a means of venting, so I sincerely hope that somehow it may end up reaching somepony else who suffers from chronic conditions. :)
