What's so great about this place?

by tut895

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1225

Dear lord Equestria is one of the worst places I've been to.

Well, since I'm stuck here I might as well write about my adventures in this land everybody wanted to be in so badly. Just like you may have read in some of the other stories along this cliche genre, I'm in Equestria. But things are not as it seems, even though there aren't any hidden dangers or a seventh element for me to become, just the fact that Equestria can be summed up in two words.

It's sh:yay:t!

Honestly I don't see how anybody could think this place is any better than America. In the middle of the Vietnam war. Being led by General Barack Obama.

Inspired by a 4chan thread I'm not going to risk finding again for the sake of my virgin eyes.

Innuendos and foul language all around!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-23 04:00:02 UTC

Boy oh boy, what could go wrong here?

So yeah, I'm supposed to write about my time in this place since I was ordered by a Princess who's leading this place because she has a star on her ass. No not Twilight, I mean the white pony who has Twilight kissing her ass. Yes the Pony who thinks she's all that because she has the balls to send her sister to the moon when her student was powerful enough to reform her in a matter of seconds.

Anyways I guess I should start with my first day, when I actually thought that my time in Equestria was gonna be something I'd enjoy. Boy was I wrong. It all began on a Tuesday, and I was doing my usual routine of smashing my brand new alarm clock until it stopped beeping because the snooze button never works from those damned thrift shop clocks. I had gotten up casually, and walked toward my bathroom until I noticed something odd. I was falling.

Turns out I was already in Twilight's library because I'm that much of an ass kicker when I go to sleep. I quickly hit the floor, but thankfully my fall was broken by a scaly mess of purple before being quickly kicked out of that tree house in a mess of screams and something about one of the two residents being shocked that they slept with me.

I still have no idea how I ended up in this hellhole, but for now we'll stick to the story I'm forced to tell since good ol' warm ass is about to peek over my shoulder.

Now that her nagging has ceased I can finally tell you the compelling story of me getting thrown out on my ass every time I try to sleep in a bed. I tried the one everybody would've picked first, Fluttershy, since she accepts wild animals in her home. I managed to sneak my way in through an open window, thanks to the help of an unusually friendly Rabbit, and was about to snuggle up to that warm mass of yellow and pink before I heard a scream.

Fluttershy and I both turned our heads to the source and witnessed as a certain Rainbow maned Pegasus began staring at me in abject terror. I will admit that I almost lost it when she tried to pull me out of the bed. Nobody, nopony, and no obsessive girlfriend has ever been able to pull, push, or flip me out of a bed when I get comfy, and Celestia be fucked if I wasn't going to put up a fight now.

Unfortunately Celestia must have already been in the process of doing the dirty as I was yanked out from those sheets with the force of a thousand steroids induced ants within five minutes. Seriously, who would've thought that Rainbitch Dash would be the one to finally beat me at my own game. Long story short, I was sent flying into something called a "fleshlight for females", not that I want to know what that is, and got thrown out of the window at the speed of a football being thrown from John DeLancie or whoever throws footballs really good.

I landed with a surprisingly soft thump, until I realized that it was the one thing I never want to run into again. A mass of green and a white highlight on her mane. I mean this mare made Pinkamena look mentally stable when she saw my hands. In case your new to this fandom, or you only watch the show and stumbled upon this bullshit journal, the mare we're talking about is Lyra. In case you still don't know who it is we're talking about, watch this video so that you know exactly who she is.

Youtube Video

So yea, after about a five minute freak out and another half hour of running like a bitch I finally managed to escape from that... thing. I was able to make my way to Sweet Apple Acres, the place of best pony, and managed to hide in the barn for a good three days. I've been telling this at light speed so we'll just slow down and go into a bit of detail from here on out.

The barn was a rather nice place to stay. The hay was comfortable enough to sleep on, the spiders didn't bug me until I used the lighter I keep in my pocket to burn their precious little webs, and none of the residents seemed keen on getting me out of there until they found out.

The first day I went in there, the first thing I did was make the second floor comfortable enough for me to continue my rest, and you're damn right if you thought that sleep was the first thing I did. Of course that was short lived as I discovered the bane of all existence: the dog.

I was woken up by Winona about five times a minute, and that put me in a sour mood beyond comparison. We're talking so bad that it could make Donald Trump look like a kid's educational show special guest. Her non-stop barking as one of the members of the apple family came outside to do their work was so aggravating that I ended up throwing the first thing I could grab right at her face. Boy did I regret that, as I would later find out, as the thing I threw was a rusty spoon which she thought she could play fetch with. The next half hour was filled with screaming about her eating it and some unintelligible babble about Tetanus shots and why Applebloom had laxatives to get the spoon out of Winona.

Once that fiasco was done I could finally get some sleep, until my wristwatch decided that it was time to beep as a precautionary alarm should my constant need to smash my alarm clocks not wake me up enough to get to work on time. I quickly turn it off and look at the telltale message on the watch that confirms my suspicion.

Bitch get up or you gon' be late!

On any normal day I would have been freaking out so much I would've put Peanut butter on my tooth brush and spread toothpaste all over my toast. Don't worry the toothpaste is safe to swallow so I won't be getting sick any time soon.

Getting back on track, I realized that I don't have a job anymore so any alarms of any form won't be necessary so the first thing I do is toss the watch out the barn door. Once again Winona decides to be a dumbass and eats the watch. Thankfully I didn't have to deal with another half hour of screams as she went inside with a telltale beep beep... beep beep emanating from her stomach, which wasn't discovered until roughly three hours into the night when I heard one of the most feminine scream that ever existed. Like imagine the one woman from Tom and Jerry screaming at the top of her lungs and put that up two octaves. Once you listen to that you know exactly what Big Mac screams like when he's awoken by a dog with a beeping wristwatch in her belly.