Equestrian Pony Meat Business: The Stowaway
"28, 29, and...30. There, that's this shipment," said Twilight, marking a final check on the scroll. Her ear twitched backwards as a low clank from behind her set off an internal alarm. She turned to Pinkie Pie, who was bouncing in place beside her, and asked, "What was that?"
"Nothing, Twinight! Nothing at all!" chirped the pink pony. Twilight rolled her eyes and groaned, then wheeled abruptly to confront another Pinkie Pie, this one currently occupying a padlocked cage amid a number of others with similar inhabitants. "Pinkie, we talked about this."
The Pinkie in the cage looked nervous. "Uh...fun?" she said, shifting her eyes from side to side.
Twilight groaned, and concentrated for a moment. With a flash of magic, the two Pinkie Pies traded positions. "Pinkie, we're not going to sell you to the humans to be cooked and eaten, and that's final!"
Pinkie's blue eyes started to wobble, and she fell to her knees in front of Twilight. "But Twilight, think of all the crazy alien sex I'm not having! There's a whole entirely different species I've never even slept with! I hear they've got these incredible fingers that aren't sharp and pointy like Spike's! I mean, like the fingers of Spike the dragon, not like fingers that aren't pointy like sharp pointy wooden things. Because they aren't! And then there's human mares! I want to see boobies, Twilight, boobies! Ooh, and I hear they have ponies there that are just animals! How kinky would that be? I want to--"
"I know, Pinkie, I know! But they'll eat you, don't you understand that?" said Twilight, exasperated.
Pinkie smiled. "I do know, Twilight, and that's the best part! I mean, haven't you ever seen me eat a cupcake?"
Twilight blinked. "Er...yes? But I don't see--"
Pinkie cut her off. "Then you've seen how happy I am when I'm eating a cupcake! Cupcakes make ponies happy, Twilight. I've always--well, I've always been an itty bit jealous! I have all kinds of ways of making ponies happy, but all a cupcake has to do is get eaten! It must be more amazing than the most amazing thing ever and then some! But I'm not a cupcake, so I can't do that, and that makes me sad. But humans eat meat, Twilight! And I'm made of meat! This is my big chance to make someone as happy as a cupcake can make me!"
She paused for a moment. "Also, it's so super kinky I get wet just thinking about it. You want to make out?"
Twilight snorted. "Yes, but don't change the subject. Look, Pinkie, you're my friend. You're everypony's friend. We'd miss you!" She paused for a moment. "And also the Elements of Harmony wouldn't work, and I'm not at all sure the cloning pool would work either, so there's a major revenue stream for Equestria down the drain. You wouldn't want to put Equestria back in financial jeopardy, would you?"
Pinkie wavered. "Well, no, but--"
"But nothing, Pinkie. Look, I understand--well, ok, I kind of understand, aaaand I'm kind of creeped out. But I do know what it is to want something you can't have. Some things are just too valuable to sacrifice, no matter how much of a perverse thrill you'd get out of it." She paused briefly, shaking stray thoughts of Shining Armor clones out of her head. They hadn't liked her proposition any more than the real thing. "Yeah. Not every dream can come true. But I'll tell you what--why don't you come with me, and we'll share your cree--your unusual fantasies with the rest of the girls. Everything is easier when we face it together, right? And then we'll have an orgy while rolling around in the money pit. I know you enjoy that."
Pinkie looked up, a hopeful expression crossing her face. "Can we have cake?"
"Sure, Pinkie. All the cake you want. Just not death, ok?"
As the friends clip-clopped out of the mirror-pool warehouse, the other Pinkie nestled into her cage. From across the way, a high-functioning Rainbow Dash leaned conspiratorially toward the clone, and whispered, "Almost got out of it, huh?"
Dash wasn't prepared for the size of the grin that met her. "Are you kidding?" said Pinkie. "I'd call that the perfect crime!"
Rainbow Dash jumped to her hooves, wings extended in ready position despite the bars surrounding her. "Wait, what? Are you telling me that was a clone who left with Twilight just now?"
"It sure was!" chirped Pinkie Pie. "One of the best I've ever made. She'll fit in just fine, and I'm in for the ride of my life!"
Rainbow's eyes darted from side to side. "But what about all that about the pool not cloning clones? Doesn't that put Equestria at risk?"
"Oh, Dashie, don't you worry your pretty cloned head. The pool clones clones just fine! And I made certain to make that one extra super duper perfect. She'll need it when she goes to pull this same scheme herself!"
Rainbow Dash's head was spinning. "But," she started, then stopped. "How do you even know she'll do that?"
Pinkie giggled. "She's me, isn't she? And I have it on the best of authority. I'm," she said, trailing off for a moment, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm third generation myself. Original me snuck across months ago. Say, do you want to play a game? I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with P!"
"Pinkie--"
"Wow, you're good!"
