Pony Persona Project: Wait, what?

If you ask anyone the difference between waking up and regaining consciousness then they’ll probably tell you they’re the same thing. As someone who has done both on multiple occasions, I can safely say they’re wrong.

Waking up is a lot like starting up a computer. Slow, steady, smooth. Unless it’s broken or loaded with viruses, that is.

Regaining consciousness is more akin to that one angry Drill Sergeant stomping into your bunk room while shouting at the top of his lungs. I never liked summer camp.

This is a weird thing to think when you wake up in a bathtub full of ice. It’s also weird to wake up in a tub full of ice. Almost as weird as this purple stuff getting pumped into my chest. Purple... gurgle... turtle. I like turtles.

I am surprisingly nonchalant about this. I’m still in an ice bath, though. I must’ve had a hot flash or something. Good. That means that pony stuff was all a halluci…Hello pony nurse lady!

Wait.

How do I make my thinky thoughts into talky words?

Why do I smell fudge?

“Where’s the blacksmith!?” Oh hi Mark.

The nurse is on the ceiling. She looks like a cat. That’s awesome.

“Oh, he’s awake.” Hello doctor dude. He’s looking at the nurse. “You can come down now Quick Start.” Oh cool, she landed upright. I think she’s embarrassed though if her tail’s anything to go by. “Now as much as I like to build a rapport with my patients we should really get you out of there first.” I’m flying, I’m flying!

Ow. Hi floor! Make me a sandwich.

“Was that really necessary Nurse?”

“My apologies Doctor.”

Two more nurses show up and take the purple pumper thing off me. It didn’t even leave a mark. The fluffy towels are hugging me. I have pants again! Pills here!

“These are to flush any remaining drugs out of your system. After that’s done, we’ll give you a check-up and if everything comes out clean you can get out today.” Thanks Doc.

[Outside Ponyville General, Noon]

Stupid Doctor. Stupid Nurses. Stupid fucking drugs. Stupid hospital. Stupid Zecora.

Why Zecora? Because she made that purple crap. It’s a temperature regulating thing with ‘strange side effects’ that soaks in through your skin. And while I appreciate the fact it kept my organs from boiling, I still don’t like that I spent my last day in the hospital stoned out of my mind. Any reputation I had before now is ruined because I never remember what I do when I'm high but it's apparently hilarious. I highly doubt that.

Also, I was in there for a week. An entire fucking week. Fucking perfect. I don’t care if I was only awake on the last day. They’re lucky I wasn’t livid or i’d have dropped my accent and shown them how loquacious an irate englishman can get. The answer is very.

So now I’m just outside the building waiting for my ‘escorts’ to show up. The only good thing about today is wiping those stupid smiles of the staffs’ faces during their medical questionnaire. I am a legal adult and demand to be treated as such. I’m just short. Although I will give them a 9 outta 10 for overall service and skill. These ponies take medical practices very seriously.

What am I doing again? Oh right, waiting. Who's supposed to be coming anyway?

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!" Holy Fuck! Where did she come from!?

"Why are you dressed like a clown?" Such a poor recovery on my part.

"Today's when I volunteer at the hospital and turn all their frownys upsidedownys." She's certainly happy. "Why wouldn't I be? Making ponies smile is what I do best." Did she just read my mind? "Don’t be silly, Silly. Oh! Sorry Leroy. Gotta go! See you at the party!" And she zooms straight into the hospital. Zooms!

What the fuck just happened? Did that even follow the laws of physics? Wait, what party was she talking about?

She has actually confused the anger out of me. How do you sneak up on someone facing that’s your way? Seriously, she wasn't there and then she was. I didn't even blink and she just appeared out of thin air. I’d probably be better off not thinking about it any more. Something tells me it will only end badly for me.

Now what do I do? I could stare at the disturbingly stationary clouds. I can’t people watch either cause there’s no one here but me. I can already feel the boredom seep into my bones. I can’t even listen to my music since I left my MP3 in my glovebox. I guess I could sing a little. Eh, why not? It’s not like there’s anyone listening.

"So just how far down do you wanna go? We can talk it out over a cuppa joe and you can look deep into my eyes like I was a supermodel. Uh huh."

"Who's a supermodel?" God Fucking Damnit! Is this going to be a running theme or something? How the fuck do these things keep sneaking up on me? I call hax! No other possible explanation.

"Uh, Leroy?" Who the hell are you and how do you know my name because we sure as hell haven't met. Wait, purple unicorn with weird stripes in her hair. She's dressed geeky too. "Could you not stare at me like that. You're making me a little nervous." Hold on a sec, Twinkle Tush. I'm trying to remember your name. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Ah, screw it.

"My apologies. I was just confused as to how you knew my name." Wow. It really doesn't take much to make these ponies smile does it? Kinda creepy actually. I think she could wrap her mouth around my skull if she tried hard enough.

(Considering that Pinkie once swallowed me whole for the sake of a puke joke, I no longer consider that a weird thought.)

(Quit breaking the immersion, Leroy.)

(Yes mam, Purple Smart!)

"Cheerilee told my friends and I after you were admitted. We've all been taking turns to check up on you. The Crusaders even had to be dragged out a few times. The whole town's been pretty scared for you." We start heading into said town. I'm not sure where we're going yet.

"Are you sure they weren't scared of me instead? It's not everyday some alien shows up in town only to get deathly ill." And now she's giggling. Thanks for laughing at the fact I nearly died.

"Not as much as you would like to think. Especially with the way Scootaloo was dragging you around. The townsfolk thought you just got caught up in one of their crusades and she was trying to make it up to you." That seems thoughtlessly cruel to me.

“Well, technically I did.” They fished me out of a lake after all.

“Yeah.” Twinkle Tush appears upset about something. “We will find them.” Find who? “The ones who left you down there. The princesses already have a team investigating.” Oh...I haven’t even thought about that. I suppose that means they’ll want to talk to me eventually. I kinda doubt they’d be able to nab the guy though.

"Yo Twilight!" So that's her name. Wait, Nowacking? What the hell? I look around but all I see is a white unicorn in an extremely oversized hoodie walking up to us. "Oh hey, you're that alien dude right? How's it hanging?" You just ooze party girl dontcha?

"A little to the left. Would you care to make it right?" It takes few seconds but they still get pretty quick. Twilight's shocked and white chick's busting a gut. It wasn't that funny. Seriously stop laughing.

"T-that's the best thing I heard all week. We have got to hang out sometime." I'll think about it. "The name's Vinyl Scratch." Never heard of you. "I'm the resident DJ here in good old Ponyville." As long as it isn't Dubstep then we'll be fine.

"I'm Leroy but you probably already knew that." Good lord, I’ve stated an assumption of an admittedly small possibility. Unless one of Twilight’s friends is a gossipmonger.

Why must I tempt fate so often? At the rate I’m going I’ll probably find her naked on my couch. Damnit me! Quit while you’re ahead! Three in a row? Really?

"Yup! I didn't want to be too rude, ya know?” You could learn a lesson here Twilight. “I’m also in charge of the tunes at your upcoming bash.”

“You know, you’re the second per...pony to say something about a party. Is there something going on? I’m not really a fan of surprises.”

“It’s just something Pinkie likes to do.” Thank you, Twilight. You’ve given me more questions then answers. “She throws every new face a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party. Although, it’s probably more of a ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party in your case.” I would say that's strange but I have a genetic condition that gives me purple eyes and the inability to grow body hair.

I better play it safe though. “Is there a difference between the two?” They both shrug as Twilight answers.

“We’ve never had the second kind before. There’s never been a need for one.” She taps a finger on her chin. “That reminds me. Princess Celestia wanted me to inform her when you woke up. I’ll have to write her later since Spike is helping Rarity out today.”

“How is the little guy anyway?” It would appear Vinyl is trying to take control of the conversation.

“He’s fine.” Twilight sounds defensive now. She stares accusingly at Vinyl. “What exactly did you want again?” Do these two have some kinda history us lesser mortals aren't meant to know?

“I want what every mare wants. A nice dinner, a big bag of bits, and long mount. But for now I’m just here for him.” Whoa, down girl! Don't make me get the spray bottle. “Are you really twenty-two?”

“Yes.” She takes off her, admittedly awesome, shades to stare into my eyes. I’m really not sure I should’ve answered that.

“Score. That’s all I needed. See ya tomorrow.” She just runs off with a giant grin on her face. I feel as though she’ll be a headache in the future.

“Well that happened." I was there too, Twilight. "Anyway, school won’t be letting out for a couple hours so I’m acting as your guide. So how about a quick tour around town?” I’ve never seen someone this genuinely enthusiastic about a tour before.

“Alright.” She grabs my arm with both hands and starts dragging me to the center of town.

“Then let’s go!”

[Golden Oaks Library, Afternoon]

Twilight really enjoyed that tour. She had all these note cards filled with trivia facts for every stop. Did you know the current Town Hall building is only forty-two years old? How about the fact that the library is currently the second oldest building in town? With all the facts she was shoving down my throat, I definitely won’t be getting lost anytime soon.

The downside is that I’m completely wiped out. Which is why I’m collapsed in a beanbag chair while Twilight’s making tea in the kitchen. A fully functioning library with a kitchen. I laughed when she told me she lived here with her assistant. I shut up real quick once I checked it out. Pun very much intended.

What next, houses made out of clouds? I'm tempting fate again. I haven't been this off my game since my dad died. That was a pretty bad year.

Oh my God. I think I'm in denial. Holy Shit.

That’s heavy.

“Tea’s ready! Are you alright with jasmine?” Hell yeah, I’m alright with jasmine. Jasmine tea is awesome. Sweet Jesus, what is wrong with me?

“I prefer it actually.” She sets the tea tray, that I just now noticed, on the table next me and pours two cups.

“Do you need any sugar or honey?”

“Two cubes, please.” I’d normally never add anything to my tea but I really need to calm down. Sugar tends to help immensely.

This is just so weird though. I’m sitting here in the library home of Twilight Sparkle. I’m drinking tea with that same mare like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And I’m in the anthropomorphic version of a little girls’ television program that I barely know about through second hand information that either disgusted me on multiple levels or I just plain ignored because I didn’t like the one telling me.

Even as spiritually and mentally trying as this all is, it still isn’t as bad as that time with the Pinto. The Midget Revolution was quite strange as well, regardless of how short it was.

I watch a rainbow blur pass the window. It’s fading makes me ponder what all I recall about this place. There’s not a lot really. Half of what I know, I learned since I got here. Honestly, I feel lucky we even speak the same language. The only thing I knew for certain is magic exists here. I can see that truth just by looking at Twilight. She's reading a book, writing notes with a quill, and pouring herself more tea all at once.

“Does it hurt?” What? What am I saying?

"Does what hurt?" She looks over at me, setting everything down with practised ease.

“Lifting so much at once.” I managed to surprise her with that one. She stares at me for a few seconds before smiling softly. “Did I say something funny?”

“Nothing like that. I just haven’t been asked that in years. As for your question, no. I haven’t had any problems like that since I stopped overloading my spells.” She looks quite sheepish at this. “It kinda took me a bit longer than most ponies to learn proper control.”

“Everyone has different needs.” I learn best through practical experience.

“What’s your world like?” That’s one hell of a way to change a conversation. Wait a tic. Did she say world? Color me intrigued.

“Seems like a strange thing to ask. I’m a little curious as to why you would.”

“I guess I should come clean then. The hospital staff ran the standard tests when you were admitted. When the results started coming back strange, they sent them to me so I could pass them along to the princesses. Princess Celestia even came and examined you herself.” That doesn’t sound good. “Oh, it wasn’t anything invasive so you don’t have to worry. All we really learned from it is your DNA is a natural impossibility in Equestria. You completely lack the chromosomes for either innate or active magic.” Magic’s in the DNA? “Yes. These chromosomes are the reason the Cake twins are a unicorn and a pegasus despite their parents both being Earth Ponies.” Did she read my mind too? “No, Rainbow Dash made the same face when I told my friends about it.”

I have nothing I can really say to that so I just start talking about Earth. It’s the PG13 version but I think it covers all the necessary stuff. Education, politics, various entertainment industries, cultures and industry. She’s been writing notes the entire time I’ve been speaking and doesn’t show any signs of stopping even though I’m done already. I’m surprised she didn’t interrupt me to ask questions or barrage me with them now.

“Your planet sounds fascinating. I just wish I had more time research it.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I’ll be pretty busy for awhile. I’ve been asked to aid in the examination of some Pre-Unification Era relics. The ones from the former Unicorn Royalty, to be specific.” Seriously? The government is asking for her to help? That’s huge!

“Congratulations.” You’ve merited a place on my respect scale.

“Thank you but I don’t think I really earned it.” What’s that mean? “The artifact they’re sending for me to study was created by Princess Platinum’s father in his desire to create a perfect weapon to conquer the other tribes. If he hadn’t disappeared so suddenly, he might have actually succeeded. That’s what his research notes said at least.”

“If this thing’s so dangerous then why wait until now to study it and why send it to you? Wouldn’t it be better to destroy it?”

“It’s spent the last 600 years in the center of the sun because the full might of Princess Celestia couldn’t put a scratch on it. It was also the last attempt to research it.” She takes a breath to steady herself. “The team was led by Doctor Haylese Comet of the newly minted Science Correction Program. She was the first and only researcher to ever truly make any progress and the only one to never give up on the project.”

“What happened to her?” They still need someone to study it after all. It was also thrown into the sun. Also, she worked for the SCP. That’s really the only reason I should need.

“By the time it happened, most of her team had left out of frustration so it was just her and her three students. One day she just vanished from her lab. The students panicking that morning and ran straight to the Princess, saying Dr Comet was trying to use the artifact. The Princess summoned the guard but by the time they got to the lab the only thing left in the room was the mirror. The Princess was so furious that she melted her own armor." I guess that's a big deal. "She dragged the mirror straight to the wasteland and hit it with everything she had. Over half the wasteland was glassed in an instant but the mirror was just fine. It was deemed too dangerous after that so...”

“She locked it in the sun. I’m still trying to figure out how a mirror could be a super weapon. And why do they want you to study it? Aren’t they just putting you in needless danger?”

“I guess it’s because I’m Princess Celestia’s student. And she definitely wouldn’t let this happen if she thought I couldn’t handle it.” I scowl at that.

“You shouldn't have to handle it." I watch as Twilight crawls over and wraps me in a hug. This is quite awkward since I'm still sitting in a beanbag chair. Also, adult ponies are just below seven feet tall at the shortest. She's pretty much laying on me. Scratch that, I'm pinned under her.

"Thank you for worrying." I'll be the first to admit that I generally don't pay attention to peoples' physique but it's hard to ignore a set of surprisingly big knockers squished against your chest. Twilight's sweatervest is damn good at concealing. What...?

"Did you just sniff me?" She has the decency to blush but doesn't let me go. Instead she shifts around so we're side by side. It's a good thing these chairs are made for huge ponies. "Why are you still sniffing me?" It's really creepy.

"Your smell is reminding me of something and I can't quite remember what it is. It's not unappealing but it also isn't alluring either."

"I am feeling very uncomfortable right now." She finally stops and lets me go. I take the chance to stand and put a little distance between us.

"I am so sorry about that. I shouldn't have done that."

"When's that mirror supposed to arrive?" She sends me a grateful smile.

"I was told it would be in the next few days but I bet it'll get here tomorrow."

"Why tomorrow?"

"Because tomorrow is Tuesday and something bad always happens on Tuesday. Fridays too but those are usually problems with one of the locals." The town has designated bad days? "I thought it was weird myself at first. I filled a calendar out with everything that happened since I moved to town. It was pretty surprising to see all line up. Even the return of Nightmare Moon was on a Tuesday. They don't happen every week though." That's rather frightening.

"Is it okay if I come over and help out tomorrow." Because I ain't sitting around alone during a possible disaster.

"You really don't have to do that. I'm sure Spike and I can handle it ourselves."

"It would be better if you had an extra set of hands around just in case something does go wrong."

"Extra help would be nice."

"When will you need me?"

"Alright, you can help. Anytime will be fine. I don't plan on doing anything more than some preliminary scans. I have to make sure the data's consistent."

"I promise I won't get in the way." She's hugging me again. "What did I do now? And quit sniffing me!"

This is the scene her draconic assistant returns home to. He just shakes his head and walks off to the kitchen. Twilight blushes and follows him. I can hear him chuckling as she tries to explain. He pokes his head out to awk if I'm staying for dinner. I would like to but the doctor said I shouldn't have anything solid until tomorrow. Also, I don't eat flowers. Or fried hay. I don’t want to know what that shit would do to me.

“I guess I’ll walk you back then.” Twilight, you have given me a great question.

“Where exactly am I staying anyway?”

“Oh. I’m sorry we didn’t ask you first.”

“You could ask me now.” It’s a little rude but she’s still smiling.

“Alright then. How would you feel about staying with Scootaloo and Cheerilee for now?”

“Sounds okay to me.” Not like I can think of anything else. “Unless you’ve got a spare room.”

“That’s probably not a good idea.” Hello, atomic blush. Never seen you outside of anime before. I’m blaming magic.

“Okay. Shall we get going, then?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back soon, Spike.”

[Scootaloo’s House, Evening]

Geez, not even inside for a minute before I’m triple-tackled by the Crusaders.

“I told you they were worried.” Real helpful there, Twi. “I’m going to head back to the library now. Goodnight, Cheerilee. Goodnight, girls. I’ll see you tomorrow, Leroy.” And she's gone.

"What's that about?" Scootaloo voices everyone's question.

"I'm helping out with something at the library. I need something to do while you're all at school." Cheerilee gets the Crusaders to let me back up.

"May I ask what it is you're going to be doing?"

"Just some research on an old artifact."

"Better be all it is." What the hell? Who just grumbled that? That was way too possessive.

"It's probably best is you go to bed then, Leroy. You're looking a little pale."

"I think I will."