Pony Persona Project: Wait, what?

by Boom Boom

Rating: mature
Tags: Crossover, DJ P0N-3, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Trixie, Sex
Length: 17304

Getting booted to a whole new universe is the last the you expect to happen to you. Right up there with getting de-aged and gaining an accidental harem. Really starting to hate my life.

So what have you learned?

Always be nice to the crackpot in the tracksuit because you'll never know if they're actually a spirit of disharmony that's about to leave you at the bottom of a lake in a world of anthropomorphic ponies. And I should stay away from conventions at all costs if I ever manage to get home.

Leroy!

What? It's the truth.

(rated mature for excessive cursing, inventive insults, and suggestive jokes among other things)
(NO CLOP) (Expect OOC)
(No association with either LoH group. I'm just intentionally unoriginal.)

Published 2014-05-30 06:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-12 14:42:52 UTC

What a perfect day!

People dressed in (mostly poor or creepy) costumes, upper ninety degree heat waves, and enclosed spaces. Three things I hate yet am forced to endure, all because I was blackmailed into being the ‘designated driver’ for a convention run.

You read that right.

Specifically, it was an MLP convention.

Again, you read that right. I've been blackmailed into attending a My Little Pony convention. Attending? I thought you were just driving. Oh, how I wish that were the case. Except they (the ignoramuses [idiots] who dragged me into this) decided I had to attend as well…in costume. The only consolation was that I got to pick it out myself. So I threw some crap together, grabbed a kendo stick and called myself ‘Silent Persona Protagonist’.

They hated my costume; I hated the fact I was going to be stuck in a car with the three stooges for seven hours and had to skip breakfast to do it. They consider themselves bronies but I think actual bronies would be offended being compared to these annoying ingrates. Or maybe they wouldn't, I haven’t actually met any of them yet. To relieve the boredom of the trip they performed dramatic readings…of clopfics. They also sang off key karaoke to some of the show’s songs.

I should probably introduce these guys, huh? Let’s start with Danny who currently had his knees in the back of my seat. He’s the singing natural (disaster) and is nearly as uninspired as me since he’s dressed like a royal guard. It’s kind of sad since he’s a costume designer for our colleges’ drama department. A particularly high note reminded me just WHY he wasn't allowed on stage.
The girl next to him is Fred. Her real name is Amanda Fredericks. She’s a big fan of Joss Whedon and has a personal mission to make everyone around her as uncomfortable as she possibly can. Guess what she likes reading! She also claims her costume is Princess Luna’s most trusted adviser Night Owl aka her own OC.

Finally, in my passenger seat, we have Nick. He’s the only one not currently in costume since he needed his sister to help with the makeup. He’s going to be an anthropomorphic Sombra. Speaking of which…

“How can you honestly say that?” He starts shoving his phone in my face. “Tell me you wouldn't hit that.” I glance away from the (thankfully) empty highway. It was an anthro Applejack in a red g-string.

“I wouldn't hit that.” He’s somehow shocked at my answer.

“Dude, you have problems.” I just gave him a glare. That wasn't even worth a response.

Luckily, Nick’s sister met us at the hotel with our room keys so, leaving Nick to get ready, we headed to the convention proper. Even better, as soon as we got there I was left alone to wander. And wander I did.

“Who in their right mind would pay twenty-eight bucks for sunglasses?” Lo and behold, someone was actually that stupid. Oh wait, it’s just Fred. “I should have known.” I went back to wandering aimlessly. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I sure as hell wasn't spending my money on anything other than gasoline. I eventually found my way to the outside activities (read: role playing and table flipping). Then some creepy old dude in a shit camouflage (I wish I made that up) tracksuit stepped on my foot.

“Fuck!” I am not an eloquent man.

“Oh I’m so sorry, my boy.” His smile said otherwise.

“I’m twenty-two.”

“Yet you’re dressed like a Japanese high school student.”

“I’m not exactly a fan of ponies.”

“You shouldn’t be.” That caught me off guard. I doubt he noticed though. “They’re all so stale and boring. Going about their same old routines with ‘Love’ and ‘Tolerance’ and ‘Friendship’ all in the name of their precious-“ he made a gagging sound “-Harmony.” I officially thought the guy was crazy at this point. “It’s why I prefer you humans. You’re so much more entertaining. Always finding new ways to spread chaos like those delightful little fan fictions.” He actually giggled as he said that. Giggled!

“What the fuck are you on?” He just smiled at me, one little fang just a bit bigger than the rest.

“And there’s that word. A little rude for my taste but oh so chaotic! It always works no matter what you do and there’s no real definition. Just say it once and BOOM a simple little spat turns into a city wide riot! It’s simply wonderful.” I went to stand; I wanted to get as far away from this crackpot as possible. Instead he forced me back into my seat before calmly sipping his coffee. “It’s rude to just walk out on someone like that, you know.” He motions to the table between us. “You could at least stay for a drink.”

“Wait, what?” I was starting to freak out now. “When did we get here? How did we get here? Where is here? Where’s everybody else?” All of these were very good questions. “What the fuck is happening.”

“Ignoring others is also quite rude. And that last one wasn’t even a question. Although, if you’re like this for me then I’d love to see you get under her skin but I digress…” He slams a ham on the table. “Pay attention!” While that did manage to calm me down a bit, now I wanted to know where the ham came from.

“What the hell are you?”

“At least you’re changing up your vocabulary.” He grumbled. “And that’s a question I would ask if I didn’t already know.” He devoured the ham in single bite, somehow pulling a comb from his teeth and adjusting his hair. “The answer is that compared to me you aren’t even an ant. You’re also starting to annoy me.” I may have freaked out before but the calm way he said that utterly terrified me. I barely noticed his doppelganger in a butler outfit set a tray on the table. The tray held two glasses filled to the half way point, one red and the other blue.

“Now where was I? Ah yes, humans. You’re greatest potential comes not from your imagination like that doctor seems to think, but from your choices. Yes, the free will every human being is born with to make whatever destiny they desire unlike those ponies and their ridiculous cutie marks. Why they limit themselves to such a degree I’ll never know. Speaking of choices, I’ve always wondered something about humans.” He slid the glasses together, somehow fusing them into a full glass of chocolate milk.

“What’s that?” The fear in me doubled when his eyes met mine.

“Don’t interrupt me.” I gulped in response. “If some amazingly handsome spirit were to rip the choices away from a human, how many would be created because of it and how would said dashing rogue even accomplish such an endeavor?” My eyes widened as he drank the glass. The milk just floated there in his hand. “And then it hit me.” Then, I suddenly had the feeling something bad was about to happen. “It’s a good thing you haven’t eaten or I’d have to wait an hour.”

“T-that doesn’t make any sense.” I was cursing my fat mouth as those words escaped. He simply grinned.

“What fun is there in making sense?” Then he chucked the milk at my face and I shut my eyes waiting for the impact. It never came. I cracked one eye open and nearly pissed myself. I’d been moved again.

“What the fuck, man.” I was somehow inside a giant bubble at the bottom of a lake. At least, I hoped it was a lake because I really couldn’t tell how deep I was. I stared up at the only source of light. “What could possibly go wrong now?” The bubble popped. Side note: Getting hit on all sides with water hurts. It hurts a whole lot.

I knew I didn’t have any time to waste so I tried my best to push off the lake bottom to jump start my ascent. It wasn’t fun, not at all. Everything hurt, I was running out of breath, and I couldn’t even tell if I was getting any closer to the surface. It was a battle I predictably lost. The last thing I remember before losing consciousness was a weird heat wrapping around my wrist and a buzzing sound.

And then?

Waking up in strange places is never a fun thing. Neither is hanging upside down from the ceiling or being wrapped up so tight the ropes dig into your skin. Having all three happen to you at the same time with a blindfold on leads one to think about certain questions. How did I get here? Where is here? Who did this to me? Why did they do this to me? The first question out of my mouth is completely unexpected.

“Why am I naked?” Priorities man, priorities.

“You still have your shorts on.” A female responds.

“That doesn't answer my question.”

“Dude, you were soaked and it’s not exactly summer anymore.” Oh god, there’s another one. Kind of tomboyish compared to the first though.

“Something seems odd about all of this.” Though, I can’t quite put my finger on why.

“Well Ah think you should be a little more appreciative. If we hadn't been there to fish ya up who knows what woulda happened to ya.” And the southern belle makes three. I’m starting to get worried now. Exactly how many girls am I dealing with? “Everfree Forest ain't exactly a playground.”

Wait, what? Everfree Forest? Where do I know that from? Actually, that reminds me.

“Why am I tied up?”

“Because we pulled you out of the Everfree.” Tomboy’s answering this time. I'm ignoring her sarcasm. “We can’t exactly tell whether you belong there or not.” Excuse me? I don’t exactly look like a monster. At least I hope that I don’t.

“What are you anyway?” They’re screwing with me right? I swear if this is another one of his pranks then I’m punching Nick where it rhymes. I've done it before and I will do it again. Meh, I'll play along.

"Human. What are you?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Wow. They're definitely screwing with me.

"He has a blindfold on, Scootaloo." That is the second saddest name I've ever heard.

"I-I knew that." And I'm Micheal J. Caboose. "I was just testing him, Sweetie Belle." I'm speechless. Their parents are horrible people. "Quit laughing, Apple Bloom."

"Sorry." I don't really know what prompted me to say that but it drew attention back to me pretty easily.

"It's not your fault." Sweetie's trying to sound reassuring.

"Sorry." Did I just apologize for apologizing?

"Seriously, we're just kidding around. There's nothing to be sorry about." Scootaloo sounds embarrassed. Is it for me or her?

"Besides, any day you can help somepony in need is a good day." Applebloom is surprisingly upbeat about all this. "That's what mah sister always tells me, anyway."

"Oh. Can you help me down. I'm starting to get a headache from the whole 'blood rushing to my skull' thing going on."

"On it!" Thank you, Scootaloo.

"Wait, not that one!"

Too late for warnings now. I feel the rope free me from it's evil grip into gravity's gentle em-thunk Fuck you, gravity! You shit-grinning whore! God dammit, that hurt. Did they hang me from the fucking rafters? Oh hey, one of them took the blindfold off. Now I can see what...they...look...like. I'm confused now.

"What exactly did you say you were again?"

"We're ponies silly." Oh joy, I'm fainting now.

Why brain why?

“Quit doing that! My head feels like it’s going to explode.”

“My apologies but the spell still needs adjusting.”

XXXXXXX
I awoke to deep blue velvet and a strangely soothing tune. I found myself sitting comfortably in a leather recliner. The rooms’ furnishing reminded me of a nightclub office.

“Welcome to the Velvet Room.” I looked toward the voice, my eyes drawn to the old man across the desk. I knew him from somewhere but couldn’t recall his name. His bulging, bloodshot eyes, and long nose should have brought something forward but I just couldn’t remember. It was as though the fog of sleep was clouding my mind. “The first time is always rough on our guests. You see, this place exists between dream and reality, mind and matter. My name is Igor. I am delighted to make your acquaintance. It’s not often we receive guests already aware of this place.”

His perpetual smile seemed to grow as he slid a plain folder to me. A flick of the wrist and a single page was revealed. “Please sign this.” Three simple paragraphs and I knew what they said. “This contract simply states that you will accept all consequences for your actions.” I grabbed the pen provided and tested a theory of mine. I felt genuine excitement when the ink shifted to my true name. “You are truly the strangest guest we’ve had in a long time. But this is as far as we go for now.” He was right. It felt like something was pulling me away. “When next we meet, you’ll have found what lies beyond the looking glass and awakened the power inside your heart.”

XXXXXXX

“Nice adjustment. That particular dream’s about six days early.”

“Would you prefer my sister’s student take over for me? Maybe you’ll mend that rift between you two.”

“I’ll shut up now.”

“Thank you. I just need one more tiny little nudge.”

XXXXXXX

“Okay, that was a weird dream.” I slowly open my eyes, blinking a couple times to adjust to the light. I don’t want to go blind after all. I’m on my back which is a little surprising. “I’m pretty sure I fell forward.” I feel pretty weird too.

“Hey.” It’s like I’m almost numb except for the throbbing in my skull. I only notice myself sitting up when the pain lets up.

“HEY!” I try to jump away only to hit a (very sturdy) wall.

“Holy fuck! Don’t do that.” I glare at the source. I almost jump again in shock before my brain catches up with me. “Oh right, mutant pony things.” I slip into my normal habits, trying to stop my hearts’ current escape attempt. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.” My eyes dart to the floor.

“Aw shucks, ya’ll don’t have to apologize for that Mister.” A yellow hand claps my left shoulder. Its’ owner smiles impossibly wide and her giant eyes sparkle in happiness. “A day like yours would make anypony grumpy.” Her hand feels like a warm rug rubbing my skin.

“I’m still sorry.” I wish I was as calm as my voice sounded. These three girls are the closest thing to CG that I have ever seen. “How can they be real? Robots can’t move that fluidly.” I assume they’re in their mid-teens due to their figures. I silently admit that I could be wrong though. I ask to be sure and am completely surprised by the answer. Girls as young as them shouldn’t be this developed. “Is everyone freaky tall here?”

“Is something wrong?” The white one asks. I panic and blurt out how old I thought they looked. They blush and smile. Now I’m ruining this cute little moment by explaining why I thought that. They’re taking it like champs. They just blush a little harder and look away. I’m somehow reminded that we haven’t introduced ourselves and it’d just be rude to assume I know which one is which.

“I’ll just change the subject before things get any more awkward.” I say, scratching the back of my head. “How about we introduce ourselves?” At least they’re looking at me now. “I guess I’ll start. My name is Leroy and I’m a human being.” Awkward has been kicked to the curb and the girls are back to normal.

“Howdy Leroy, my name’s Apple Bloom an’ I’m an Earth Pony.” She’s grinning again as I take in her appearance. She has yellow fur, orange eyes and red hair/tail with a pink bow on her head. The rest of her outfit is pretty cliché so I promptly ignore it.

“It’s nice to meet you, Leroy. I’m Sweetie Belle and I’m a Unicorn.” White fur, pink and light purple mane/tail and bright green eyes. Her clothes are also pretty generic.

“Ditto, I’m Scootaloo and I’m a Pegasus.” She has orange fur, purple mane/tail and purple eyes. And she’s par for the course in bland clothing. Dread echoes through me as they jump to their hooves in some kind of ginyu-esque pose.

“And we are the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” It’s almost like the sun itself is shining on them just a bit brighter, giving them some kind of mystical aura.

I’m speechless.

It’s not from the pose though. My brain just decided that now was the perfect time to join the conversation.

Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Everfree Forest.

Anthropomorphic ponies.

This entire situation is three levels of fucked up and it can only get worse from here. How else do I explain me being nearly naked in a clubhouse with three underage girls? “Nearly? Oh God, what did they see?”

“Where are my clothes?” So many unanswered questions I will never ask for ANY reason, EVER.

“Oh! I’ll get them.” Sweetie, you are fantastic.

“You sure you’re all right? You’re all red and stuff.” Apple Bloom is still grabbing my shoulder.

“I’ll feel significantly better once I’m wearing pants again.” They thankfully don’t get it. I say that because I do NOT want an angry AJ or Big Mac chasing me down. I have no idea what Rainbow would do but I hope it isn’t too bad.

Sweetie returns pretty quickly and I thank her with a quick hug. I ignore their stares and throw my clothes as fast as possible. They seem impressed when I’m done. Sweetie clears her throat.

“We only have an hour of daylight left.” That definitely startled the others. Scootaloo reacts first.

“Already, what are we supposed to do about him?” She throws her arm in my direction. “Where’s he going to stay?”

“He can’t stay on the farm. Ah’d be grounded for weeks if Ah brought a boy home this close to supper.”

“We don’t have any room at the boutique either and there’s no way Rarity would let a boy sleep in the same room as me.”

“I guess you’re staying at my place then. Good thing my parents are out of town.” Scootaloo is much more comfortable with this than I am.

“This is just for tonight?” They nod. “Okay. What’s the worst that could happen?”

XXXXXXX

“The paper’s picking us up.”

“What? That shouldn’t be happening. I will need to consult my sister.”

“So we’re done for now?”

“Indeed.”

This is intentional, I swear.

(Scootaloos’ House)

“This is nice.” I meant it too. It was nice to relax after the surprisingly awkward walk through town. I haven’t been stared at like that since I ran track in high school. I will admit I did some staring of my own but those legs are freaky. Eyes too.

Also, my freaky tall theory has been confirmed. It’s high school all over again. I don’t mean the good way either. Then again, good is a pretty relative term when referring to school at any age.

“I guess.” Scootaloo shrugs.

“I thought girls like compliments. Do houses not count?” This is going to get awkward again, isn’t it? Wait, there's something else. "Are you alright?"

"It's nothing." She cups her hands around her mouth. "I brought a guest."

I hear something fall and what sounds like a muffled curse. A clacking rhythm heads our way and I'm speechless at the cause.

"Welcome home Scootaloo." Her coat reminds me of wine and my eyes spot the flowers on her thi.....flank. "Who's your new friend?"

"This is Leroy. He's a human." I'm barely paying attention while she waves her hands like I'm some game show prize. "Leroy, this is Miss Cheerilee. She's my teacher."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Leroy." They finally notice me staring. "Is something the matter?"

I answer in the most politically correct way afforded by my status as a 22 year-old virgin male. "Why are you naked!" They both have a laugh at my reaction.

"I guess you're new to Equestria. Let me explain. Clothing is pretty much optional. Though you'll rarely see anypony outside without something to cover themselves but in our own homes we tend to be more comfortable without extra materials. We will wear pajamas if we're expecting guests though."

“That seems really weird. Humans have a nudity taboo ourselves.” Awesome save, me.

“I suppose it is strange for you then. There is some historical significance but you’d have to ask Twilight for the specifics.” Talk with Twilight? I’d have to clear out my calendar first. And probably bring some back-up so I don’t end up strapped to some strange combination of machines in the name of science. (You are SO that bad.) Cheerilee effortlessly switches into teacher mode. “How exactly did you two meet again?”

“Scootaloo and the others saved my life.” Both of their eyes widen at my blunt tone. Scootaloo jumps at her teacher’s gaze.

“How did this happen?”

“We were fishing.” This is one of the reasons why children are horrible liars. They never give enough information to avoid questions.

“Where and why?” Questions like this.

“We weren’t in any danger. Fluttershy goes there all the time.” Reason number two, they go straight to the excuses.

“Scootaloo.” Ooh, the classic talk-or-you’re-grounded routine. Wow, it’s actually not working. Unfortunately, I’m not in the mood to see who breaks first.

“Everfree Forest.” Sorry Scoots but that betrayal face isn’t even close to Yoshis’ level.

“Why would you EVER fish in the Everfree?” She doesn’t even give her a chance to explain. “No, we will discuss this after school tomorrow.” She turns to me. “Why would YOU go swimming in such a dangerous place?”

“Hey, I wasn’t there by choice. Some nutjob left me at the bottom in a giant bubble.”

“They did what?! You’re staying here tonight buster and I’m not taking no for an answer.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone get that protective of a stranger before. “I’m taking you to Ponyville General in the morning to make sure there’s nothing wrong with you.” A ringing from the kitchen halts her tirade.

“Oh! That’ll be the sauce. Do you like flowers in your salad?” Mood Whiplash strikes again!

“You made spaghetti? Awesome, I’ll set the table.” Scootaloo is certainly happy now.
I'm cut off from saying anything when my stomach voices its' opinion. I decide to go with the flow for now. Besides, I haven't had decent pasta since the Pinto Incident.

(After Dinner)

I'm currently in the Guest Room going over what I learned at dinner. Cheerilee lives here because of a deal with Scootaloos' parents. They were just starting their respective careers when her mother got pregnant. They were worried if they were both working then they wouldn't see their child nearly enough and neither of them felt comfortable with said child growing up with a nanny. They almost turned their house into a bed and breakfast so her mother could stay home and still make money. Cheerilee, who apparently went to school with them both, offered to watch over her in exchange for a place to live.

Also, Scootaloo managed to finally make me feel bad for getting her in trouble so I've been conscripted to help her and Crusaders out on a future crusade. God have mercy on my soul.

I lay down on the bed as I feel a headache coming. I start hearing whispers from...somewhere. The pain spreading as I look for the source.

There's nothing there but the whispers grow more intense. I can barely think as darkness overtakes me.

(Unknown)

I'm surrounded by mist, obscuring everything but stairs beneath my feet. I'm running up them as fast as I can but I don't know why. The whispers are louder than ever but I still can't understand them.

I'm afraid.

They know I'm here. I don't know where even is.

The stairs are cracking. I'm going to fall.

I'll catch you.

They shatter like glass and I plummet. An icy chill wraps around me.

You'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

You're safe now.

I'm safe now.

My body is bouncing. Someone's carrying me. It feels like I'm on fire. I can't even see straight.

I guess someone notices my eyes open because sounds explode around me.

It's too hot.

Everything hurts.

Am I dying?

I don't wanna die.

If I die then I'll be alone.

That's not good at all.

Author's Note

I'll admit it. I failed English for a reason. (Those computer courses suck btw.) So yeah. I take way too long to write something mediocre at best.:applejackunsure:

Thanks for sticking around though. You guys and girls rule!:twilightsmile:

I promise to work faster for all of you.

See ya later!

I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

If you ask anyone the difference between waking up and regaining consciousness then they’ll probably tell you they’re the same thing. As someone who has done both on multiple occasions, I can safely say they’re wrong.

Waking up is a lot like starting up a computer. Slow, steady, smooth. Unless it’s broken or loaded with viruses, that is.

Regaining consciousness is more akin to that one angry Drill Sergeant stomping into your bunk room while shouting at the top of his lungs. I never liked summer camp.

This is a weird thing to think when you wake up in a bathtub full of ice. It’s also weird to wake up in a tub full of ice. Almost as weird as this purple stuff getting pumped into my chest. Purple... gurgle... turtle. I like turtles.

I am surprisingly nonchalant about this. I’m still in an ice bath, though. I must’ve had a hot flash or something. Good. That means that pony stuff was all a halluci…Hello pony nurse lady!

Wait.

How do I make my thinky thoughts into talky words?

Why do I smell fudge?

“Where’s the blacksmith!?” Oh hi Mark.

The nurse is on the ceiling. She looks like a cat. That’s awesome.

“Oh, he’s awake.” Hello doctor dude. He’s looking at the nurse. “You can come down now Quick Start.” Oh cool, she landed upright. I think she’s embarrassed though if her tail’s anything to go by. “Now as much as I like to build a rapport with my patients we should really get you out of there first.” I’m flying, I’m flying!

Ow. Hi floor! Make me a sandwich.

“Was that really necessary Nurse?”

“My apologies Doctor.”

Two more nurses show up and take the purple pumper thing off me. It didn’t even leave a mark. The fluffy towels are hugging me. I have pants again! Pills here!

“These are to flush any remaining drugs out of your system. After that’s done, we’ll give you a check-up and if everything comes out clean you can get out today.” Thanks Doc.

[Outside Ponyville General, Noon]

Stupid Doctor. Stupid Nurses. Stupid fucking drugs. Stupid hospital. Stupid Zecora.

Why Zecora? Because she made that purple crap. It’s a temperature regulating thing with ‘strange side effects’ that soaks in through your skin. And while I appreciate the fact it kept my organs from boiling, I still don’t like that I spent my last day in the hospital stoned out of my mind. Any reputation I had before now is ruined because I never remember what I do when I'm high but it's apparently hilarious. I highly doubt that.

Also, I was in there for a week. An entire fucking week. Fucking perfect. I don’t care if I was only awake on the last day. They’re lucky I wasn’t livid or i’d have dropped my accent and shown them how loquacious an irate englishman can get. The answer is very.

So now I’m just outside the building waiting for my ‘escorts’ to show up. The only good thing about today is wiping those stupid smiles of the staffs’ faces during their medical questionnaire. I am a legal adult and demand to be treated as such. I’m just short. Although I will give them a 9 outta 10 for overall service and skill. These ponies take medical practices very seriously.

What am I doing again? Oh right, waiting. Who's supposed to be coming anyway?

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!" Holy Fuck! Where did she come from!?

"Why are you dressed like a clown?" Such a poor recovery on my part.

"Today's when I volunteer at the hospital and turn all their frownys upsidedownys." She's certainly happy. "Why wouldn't I be? Making ponies smile is what I do best." Did she just read my mind? "Don’t be silly, Silly. Oh! Sorry Leroy. Gotta go! See you at the party!" And she zooms straight into the hospital. Zooms!

What the fuck just happened? Did that even follow the laws of physics? Wait, what party was she talking about?

She has actually confused the anger out of me. How do you sneak up on someone facing that’s your way? Seriously, she wasn't there and then she was. I didn't even blink and she just appeared out of thin air. I’d probably be better off not thinking about it any more. Something tells me it will only end badly for me.

Now what do I do? I could stare at the disturbingly stationary clouds. I can’t people watch either cause there’s no one here but me. I can already feel the boredom seep into my bones. I can’t even listen to my music since I left my MP3 in my glovebox. I guess I could sing a little. Eh, why not? It’s not like there’s anyone listening.

"So just how far down do you wanna go? We can talk it out over a cuppa joe and you can look deep into my eyes like I was a supermodel. Uh huh."

"Who's a supermodel?" God Fucking Damnit! Is this going to be a running theme or something? How the fuck do these things keep sneaking up on me? I call hax! No other possible explanation.

"Uh, Leroy?" Who the hell are you and how do you know my name because we sure as hell haven't met. Wait, purple unicorn with weird stripes in her hair. She's dressed geeky too. "Could you not stare at me like that. You're making me a little nervous." Hold on a sec, Twinkle Tush. I'm trying to remember your name. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Ah, screw it.

"My apologies. I was just confused as to how you knew my name." Wow. It really doesn't take much to make these ponies smile does it? Kinda creepy actually. I think she could wrap her mouth around my skull if she tried hard enough.

(Considering that Pinkie once swallowed me whole for the sake of a puke joke, I no longer consider that a weird thought.)

(Quit breaking the immersion, Leroy.)

(Yes mam, Purple Smart!)

"Cheerilee told my friends and I after you were admitted. We've all been taking turns to check up on you. The Crusaders even had to be dragged out a few times. The whole town's been pretty scared for you." We start heading into said town. I'm not sure where we're going yet.

"Are you sure they weren't scared of me instead? It's not everyday some alien shows up in town only to get deathly ill." And now she's giggling. Thanks for laughing at the fact I nearly died.

"Not as much as you would like to think. Especially with the way Scootaloo was dragging you around. The townsfolk thought you just got caught up in one of their crusades and she was trying to make it up to you." That seems thoughtlessly cruel to me.

“Well, technically I did.” They fished me out of a lake after all.

“Yeah.” Twinkle Tush appears upset about something. “We will find them.” Find who? “The ones who left you down there. The princesses already have a team investigating.” Oh...I haven’t even thought about that. I suppose that means they’ll want to talk to me eventually. I kinda doubt they’d be able to nab the guy though.

"Yo Twilight!" So that's her name. Wait, Nowacking? What the hell? I look around but all I see is a white unicorn in an extremely oversized hoodie walking up to us. "Oh hey, you're that alien dude right? How's it hanging?" You just ooze party girl dontcha?

"A little to the left. Would you care to make it right?" It takes few seconds but they still get pretty quick. Twilight's shocked and white chick's busting a gut. It wasn't that funny. Seriously stop laughing.

"T-that's the best thing I heard all week. We have got to hang out sometime." I'll think about it. "The name's Vinyl Scratch." Never heard of you. "I'm the resident DJ here in good old Ponyville." As long as it isn't Dubstep then we'll be fine.

"I'm Leroy but you probably already knew that." Good lord, I’ve stated an assumption of an admittedly small possibility. Unless one of Twilight’s friends is a gossipmonger.

Why must I tempt fate so often? At the rate I’m going I’ll probably find her naked on my couch. Damnit me! Quit while you’re ahead! Three in a row? Really?

"Yup! I didn't want to be too rude, ya know?” You could learn a lesson here Twilight. “I’m also in charge of the tunes at your upcoming bash.”

“You know, you’re the second per...pony to say something about a party. Is there something going on? I’m not really a fan of surprises.”

“It’s just something Pinkie likes to do.” Thank you, Twilight. You’ve given me more questions then answers. “She throws every new face a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party. Although, it’s probably more of a ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party in your case.” I would say that's strange but I have a genetic condition that gives me purple eyes and the inability to grow body hair.

I better play it safe though. “Is there a difference between the two?” They both shrug as Twilight answers.

“We’ve never had the second kind before. There’s never been a need for one.” She taps a finger on her chin. “That reminds me. Princess Celestia wanted me to inform her when you woke up. I’ll have to write her later since Spike is helping Rarity out today.”

“How is the little guy anyway?” It would appear Vinyl is trying to take control of the conversation.

“He’s fine.” Twilight sounds defensive now. She stares accusingly at Vinyl. “What exactly did you want again?” Do these two have some kinda history us lesser mortals aren't meant to know?

“I want what every mare wants. A nice dinner, a big bag of bits, and long mount. But for now I’m just here for him.” Whoa, down girl! Don't make me get the spray bottle. “Are you really twenty-two?”

“Yes.” She takes off her, admittedly awesome, shades to stare into my eyes. I’m really not sure I should’ve answered that.

“Score. That’s all I needed. See ya tomorrow.” She just runs off with a giant grin on her face. I feel as though she’ll be a headache in the future.

“Well that happened." I was there too, Twilight. "Anyway, school won’t be letting out for a couple hours so I’m acting as your guide. So how about a quick tour around town?” I’ve never seen someone this genuinely enthusiastic about a tour before.

“Alright.” She grabs my arm with both hands and starts dragging me to the center of town.

“Then let’s go!”

[Golden Oaks Library, Afternoon]

Twilight really enjoyed that tour. She had all these note cards filled with trivia facts for every stop. Did you know the current Town Hall building is only forty-two years old? How about the fact that the library is currently the second oldest building in town? With all the facts she was shoving down my throat, I definitely won’t be getting lost anytime soon.

The downside is that I’m completely wiped out. Which is why I’m collapsed in a beanbag chair while Twilight’s making tea in the kitchen. A fully functioning library with a kitchen. I laughed when she told me she lived here with her assistant. I shut up real quick once I checked it out. Pun very much intended.

What next, houses made out of clouds? I'm tempting fate again. I haven't been this off my game since my dad died. That was a pretty bad year.

Oh my God. I think I'm in denial. Holy Shit.

That’s heavy.

“Tea’s ready! Are you alright with jasmine?” Hell yeah, I’m alright with jasmine. Jasmine tea is awesome. Sweet Jesus, what is wrong with me?

“I prefer it actually.” She sets the tea tray, that I just now noticed, on the table next me and pours two cups.

“Do you need any sugar or honey?”

“Two cubes, please.” I’d normally never add anything to my tea but I really need to calm down. Sugar tends to help immensely.

This is just so weird though. I’m sitting here in the library home of Twilight Sparkle. I’m drinking tea with that same mare like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And I’m in the anthropomorphic version of a little girls’ television program that I barely know about through second hand information that either disgusted me on multiple levels or I just plain ignored because I didn’t like the one telling me.

Even as spiritually and mentally trying as this all is, it still isn’t as bad as that time with the Pinto. The Midget Revolution was quite strange as well, regardless of how short it was.

I watch a rainbow blur pass the window. It’s fading makes me ponder what all I recall about this place. There’s not a lot really. Half of what I know, I learned since I got here. Honestly, I feel lucky we even speak the same language. The only thing I knew for certain is magic exists here. I can see that truth just by looking at Twilight. She's reading a book, writing notes with a quill, and pouring herself more tea all at once.

“Does it hurt?” What? What am I saying?

"Does what hurt?" She looks over at me, setting everything down with practised ease.

“Lifting so much at once.” I managed to surprise her with that one. She stares at me for a few seconds before smiling softly. “Did I say something funny?”

“Nothing like that. I just haven’t been asked that in years. As for your question, no. I haven’t had any problems like that since I stopped overloading my spells.” She looks quite sheepish at this. “It kinda took me a bit longer than most ponies to learn proper control.”

“Everyone has different needs.” I learn best through practical experience.

“What’s your world like?” That’s one hell of a way to change a conversation. Wait a tic. Did she say world? Color me intrigued.

“Seems like a strange thing to ask. I’m a little curious as to why you would.”

“I guess I should come clean then. The hospital staff ran the standard tests when you were admitted. When the results started coming back strange, they sent them to me so I could pass them along to the princesses. Princess Celestia even came and examined you herself.” That doesn’t sound good. “Oh, it wasn’t anything invasive so you don’t have to worry. All we really learned from it is your DNA is a natural impossibility in Equestria. You completely lack the chromosomes for either innate or active magic.” Magic’s in the DNA? “Yes. These chromosomes are the reason the Cake twins are a unicorn and a pegasus despite their parents both being Earth Ponies.” Did she read my mind too? “No, Rainbow Dash made the same face when I told my friends about it.”

I have nothing I can really say to that so I just start talking about Earth. It’s the PG13 version but I think it covers all the necessary stuff. Education, politics, various entertainment industries, cultures and industry. She’s been writing notes the entire time I’ve been speaking and doesn’t show any signs of stopping even though I’m done already. I’m surprised she didn’t interrupt me to ask questions or barrage me with them now.

“Your planet sounds fascinating. I just wish I had more time research it.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I’ll be pretty busy for awhile. I’ve been asked to aid in the examination of some Pre-Unification Era relics. The ones from the former Unicorn Royalty, to be specific.” Seriously? The government is asking for her to help? That’s huge!

“Congratulations.” You’ve merited a place on my respect scale.

“Thank you but I don’t think I really earned it.” What’s that mean? “The artifact they’re sending for me to study was created by Princess Platinum’s father in his desire to create a perfect weapon to conquer the other tribes. If he hadn’t disappeared so suddenly, he might have actually succeeded. That’s what his research notes said at least.”

“If this thing’s so dangerous then why wait until now to study it and why send it to you? Wouldn’t it be better to destroy it?”

“It’s spent the last 600 years in the center of the sun because the full might of Princess Celestia couldn’t put a scratch on it. It was also the last attempt to research it.” She takes a breath to steady herself. “The team was led by Doctor Haylese Comet of the newly minted Science Correction Program. She was the first and only researcher to ever truly make any progress and the only one to never give up on the project.”

“What happened to her?” They still need someone to study it after all. It was also thrown into the sun. Also, she worked for the SCP. That’s really the only reason I should need.

“By the time it happened, most of her team had left out of frustration so it was just her and her three students. One day she just vanished from her lab. The students panicking that morning and ran straight to the Princess, saying Dr Comet was trying to use the artifact. The Princess summoned the guard but by the time they got to the lab the only thing left in the room was the mirror. The Princess was so furious that she melted her own armor." I guess that's a big deal. "She dragged the mirror straight to the wasteland and hit it with everything she had. Over half the wasteland was glassed in an instant but the mirror was just fine. It was deemed too dangerous after that so...”

“She locked it in the sun. I’m still trying to figure out how a mirror could be a super weapon. And why do they want you to study it? Aren’t they just putting you in needless danger?”

“I guess it’s because I’m Princess Celestia’s student. And she definitely wouldn’t let this happen if she thought I couldn’t handle it.” I scowl at that.

“You shouldn't have to handle it." I watch as Twilight crawls over and wraps me in a hug. This is quite awkward since I'm still sitting in a beanbag chair. Also, adult ponies are just below seven feet tall at the shortest. She's pretty much laying on me. Scratch that, I'm pinned under her.

"Thank you for worrying." I'll be the first to admit that I generally don't pay attention to peoples' physique but it's hard to ignore a set of surprisingly big knockers squished against your chest. Twilight's sweatervest is damn good at concealing. What...?

"Did you just sniff me?" She has the decency to blush but doesn't let me go. Instead she shifts around so we're side by side. It's a good thing these chairs are made for huge ponies. "Why are you still sniffing me?" It's really creepy.

"Your smell is reminding me of something and I can't quite remember what it is. It's not unappealing but it also isn't alluring either."

"I am feeling very uncomfortable right now." She finally stops and lets me go. I take the chance to stand and put a little distance between us.

"I am so sorry about that. I shouldn't have done that."

"When's that mirror supposed to arrive?" She sends me a grateful smile.

"I was told it would be in the next few days but I bet it'll get here tomorrow."

"Why tomorrow?"

"Because tomorrow is Tuesday and something bad always happens on Tuesday. Fridays too but those are usually problems with one of the locals." The town has designated bad days? "I thought it was weird myself at first. I filled a calendar out with everything that happened since I moved to town. It was pretty surprising to see all line up. Even the return of Nightmare Moon was on a Tuesday. They don't happen every week though." That's rather frightening.

"Is it okay if I come over and help out tomorrow." Because I ain't sitting around alone during a possible disaster.

"You really don't have to do that. I'm sure Spike and I can handle it ourselves."

"It would be better if you had an extra set of hands around just in case something does go wrong."

"Extra help would be nice."

"When will you need me?"

"Alright, you can help. Anytime will be fine. I don't plan on doing anything more than some preliminary scans. I have to make sure the data's consistent."

"I promise I won't get in the way." She's hugging me again. "What did I do now? And quit sniffing me!"

This is the scene her draconic assistant returns home to. He just shakes his head and walks off to the kitchen. Twilight blushes and follows him. I can hear him chuckling as she tries to explain. He pokes his head out to awk if I'm staying for dinner. I would like to but the doctor said I shouldn't have anything solid until tomorrow. Also, I don't eat flowers. Or fried hay. I don’t want to know what that shit would do to me.

“I guess I’ll walk you back then.” Twilight, you have given me a great question.

“Where exactly am I staying anyway?”

“Oh. I’m sorry we didn’t ask you first.”

“You could ask me now.” It’s a little rude but she’s still smiling.

“Alright then. How would you feel about staying with Scootaloo and Cheerilee for now?”

“Sounds okay to me.” Not like I can think of anything else. “Unless you’ve got a spare room.”

“That’s probably not a good idea.” Hello, atomic blush. Never seen you outside of anime before. I’m blaming magic.

“Okay. Shall we get going, then?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back soon, Spike.”

[Scootaloo’s House, Evening]

Geez, not even inside for a minute before I’m triple-tackled by the Crusaders.

“I told you they were worried.” Real helpful there, Twi. “I’m going to head back to the library now. Goodnight, Cheerilee. Goodnight, girls. I’ll see you tomorrow, Leroy.” And she's gone.

"What's that about?" Scootaloo voices everyone's question.

"I'm helping out with something at the library. I need something to do while you're all at school." Cheerilee gets the Crusaders to let me back up.

"May I ask what it is you're going to be doing?"

"Just some research on an old artifact."

"Better be all it is." What the hell? Who just grumbled that? That was way too possessive.

"It's probably best is you go to bed then, Leroy. You're looking a little pale."

"I think I will."

Things keep getting weirder (aka, Mood and Whiplash were caught spooning by their cousin Swing)

I wake with a start. A nightmare I can't recall, squeezing my heart with an icy claw. The sun's already up and I can hear shuffling downstairs. Sweetie and Apple Bloom must have stayed the night. I guess they're having breakfast still.

This is weird. I don't feel cold or clammy like I usually do after a nightmare. I don't smell any body odor either. In fact, I smell completely different. Hold on, why am I wearing pajamas? I don't remember changing and I'm a pretty light sleeper. At least my clothes are nearby. They’re folded as well. I guess my comfort zone has decided to take a vacation.

Focus, Leroy. I need to head over to the library today. Twilight seems like one of those punctual types so I shouldn't take too long before I head over.

Cheerilee and the Crusaders greet me when I enter the kitchen. I'm not exactly paying attention to their conversation. I ask but they're also confused about the pajamas. They say they've never seen them before. Cheerilee tries to tempt me with hay pancakes but I pretend I don't hear her and swipe an apple from the fruit bowl. It's probably the best apple I've ever eaten. Apple Bloom smiles and gives a spiel about how the apple came from her family's farm. They apparently grow the best apples in Equestria. I wonder how much competition they actually have.

“Where’s the bathroom? I didn’t think to ask before and I’d like to wash up for the day.” Why are they giggling? Is this a girl thing or a pony thing? They’re both confusing.

“There’s one right across the hall from your room.” Oh. Well, I feel silly. I wish them all a good day and take my leave before I embarrass myself further. Why are they still giggling?

[Golden Oaks Library]

Twilight and Spike are busy with the mirror when I arrive. They didn’t even notice me come in and barely say hi when they finally realize I’m here. I watch Twilight run back and forth taking some kind of measurements while Spike writes it all down. I just stand off to the side, pulling at my collar. These clothes should not feel this fresh.

The mirror’s pretty disappointing to look at. Yeah, it’s pretty big but there’s no flare or decorations except for some rotating badge thing at the top of the frame. I just kind of stare at my reflection.

Holy crap, it’s got yellow eyes. Same with Spike and Twilight.

“What’s up with the eyes?”

“I don’t know! I’ve tried every identification spell I can find but I keep turning up nothing. None of the enchantments on this thing should cause this. I don’t even know what materials it’s made from because this most certainly isn’t glass. It’s so frustrating!.” She goes to scour the shelves.

“Does she usually get like this?” I ask the only other guy. He sends me a deadpan stare.

“This is actually pretty calm for her. She used to be worse until the ‘Pinkie Sense’ thing.” What? “You’re better off not knowing.” That’s not ominous at all. “Seriously, don’t question it if you value your sanity.”

"I wasn't that bad." Not sounding very sure of yourself there, Sparkle.

"Yes, you were. You still get pretty bad."

"She does?"

"Not including Smartypants? As soon as she heard about you, she started jumping around yelling 'Yes!' over and over again."

"That doesn't sound too bad." Personally, I find the thought adorkable. Don’t judge me.

"She panicked and tried putting the entire town in a giant quarantine bubble once she found out you were in the hospital. Med-suits, big black X’s on doors, the works. She was even shaving squirrels by the time the princess showed up." Oh my god. The image that inspires.

"Details, Dragon Dude." You can't just leave me hanging like that.

"Don't even think about it, Spike. We promised never to talk about that." Jeez, that glare could be a lethal weapon. Now I want to know even more. “Now if story-time is over, I would like to remind you we have a potential Doomsday weapon in our house with no idea how it works.” She shouted the last part out. She’s scared but she’s trying to hide it. At least I assume she is. I don’t exactly have any experience reading alien lifeforms. Time to put my Child Psychology degree to work. (Did the entire course while working as a camp counselor.)

(Oh my, that must have been dreadful with all those children to watch over. How did you ever get any work done, Darling?)

(The tests were a cakewalk, I only needed three of the six essays for the course, and the practical experience scored me a fair bit of extra credit.)

(You used Child Psychology on me?)

(Only a little.)

“Listen to me, Twilight.” I grab her shoulders. She stares at me in confusion. “Don’t get worked up over this. If anyone can figure this out, then it’ll be you.”

“You barely know me. How can you sound so sure?” The girl has a point. I have no right to say any of that.

“I’m just following Spike’s example. The two of you are obviously close. So if he believes in you, then why shouldn’t I?” I'm lying to make her feel better but said dragon accepts it at face value.

“He’s right, Twilight. I know you can do this. And if you need any help, I’ll be here for you.”

“Ditto. Even if I am new to this world.” It's not like I have anything better to do.

“You two.” A light sigh, a shake of the head, and ending with a smile. “Thank you.” She’s determined now.

"So, where do you need me?"

"Well, Spike and I were just finishing up the baseline tests when you arrived. Speaking of which, how's it looking?"

"Everything matches up." Why is he saluting?

"Great! Now for the second step. All we need to do is establish a timeline and we’ll be done for today." That’s a pretty light workload. “We do have a party to go to, after all.” Oh, right. Forgot about that. Wait a minute.

"Timeline?"

"It's where we track the history of object by analyzing the history of the region." I think I get it. Maybe.

"That would let you know the resources and manpower they had back then as well as narrow down the materials that could've been used in the mirror's production." Her smile says I’m right.

"Exactly! I already have a theory on what could've been used, too. As I said, that is not glass we're reflected in." The three of us sit around Twilight's notes. "Translating the King's notes will take some time though, so we won't be getting very far." Spike groan as she says this.

"How bad is it?" If I didn’t ask, they probably wouldn’t say anything.

“Old Unicorn Script is rather roundabout in their descriptions. It was tactic mainly used to protect important documents from the other tribes. At least it isn’t as annoying as Ancient Pegasi.”

“Roundabout?”

“Okay, that’s not the best description.” She hums to herself. “I suppose the simplest way to describe them would be with the term: Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness. Instead of mountain, they would say solidified, geological protrusion of extreme mass and intense vertical stature.” I’m not entirely sure, but I don’t think that was used correctly. Either way, holy crap, these guys were windbags.

“Seems like they just wanted to sound smarter. Though, a cipher would be a valid way to protect important documents.”

“Except they used it for everything!” Spike buts in. “It shouldn’t take six pages to say that you told somepony ‘Good Morning’. Sorry, ‘engaged the prerequisite exchanging of vocalities of post-dawn commute’. I don’t even think that’s a real word!” He cocks an eyebrow in confusion. “Is vocalities a real word?” Surprisingly enough, yes it is.

“That’s not really the point, Spike.” Twilight huffs. “Then again, there are plenty of ‘scholars’ from back then who didn’t use words correctly or just made some up. They should have at least put some effort in literary accuracy.” Someone’s mad. “It’s what makes translation such a difficult field. It’s almost as bad as determining scale and direction from Pegasi writings. How does ‘three clouds from the left’ mean ‘seventy miles southeast’?”

“I’m wondering how we managed to switch topics to the nuances of written words.” Seriously, I’m confused here. I wouldn't even be surprised if I started it. “I wouldn’t mind talking about it later though. We were kinda in the middle of something, after all.” The Seinfeldian talks can come later.

“Oh, um…” Twilight’s embarrassed for some reason. “I was still working while we talked.”

“How far did you get?”

“Far enough to confirm my theory. The mirror’s made from mythril and a unique type of crystal found only in the area where the fabled Crystal Empire once stood.” Okay, hold up.

“How the hell is something that plain-looking made out of mythril?” It’s a complete outrage! A crime aimed at all proud blacksmith! It's supposed to look enchanting, a symbol of skill for the smith and glory for the owner. I stand and march towards the mirror. “The only thing remotely special about this is the stupid emblem!”

“Wait, Don’t touch that!” I ignore her and yank the damn thing. The reflection disappears with a ripple and I’m launched back by a concussive force.

“Woah!” Spike’s more impressed than worried.

“Shit!” And I just broke a table with my back. This is what I get for acting on my D&D instincts. I blame Fred and her munchkin techniques for that addiction.

“I warned you not to touch it. It’s part of the defense matrix. There’s no telling what it could do to retaliate.” I tune her out, my attention stuck on a silvery tendril snaking out from the mirror. And I see where it’s going.

“Spike, Move!” I’m up and running before the words leave my mouth. He freezes when he notices it. I tackle him out of the way just as it strikes, wrapping around my leg and hoisting me in the air. The door to the library opens as I’m slammed into the ground. Seven shocked faces watch as I’m dragged through the mirror.

[???]

With all the colors, I kind of feel like a Stargate character going through the gate for the first time. It certainly feels floaty enough. Okay, it’s done.

I’m in some kind of hotel lobby. Just without the walls or ceilings or anything else hotel-like. It's got elevators though. And a sky that reminds me of the last Xemnas fight in Kingdom Hearts 2. That should count for something, right? Except none of the elevators work and the only one with open doors just leads to an empty shaft.

Well, I am officially stuck. There's no path forward and the way back(a duplicate mirror) is being a bit violent right now. There's also a giant wo- "Holy Shit!"

Really big wolf thing. With three heads. On fire. It even has an arcana mask on it’s chest. How did I not see that before?! Oh fuck, it's staring at me. And it's growling. Oh God, I’m hyperventilating.

"French me in the Alps." Its paw jerks up and smacks me across the lobby. I barely keep myself from falling into the shaft. I don’t even have time to react before it tackles me inside and we both plummet. The wolf shows no reaction to our mutual predicament. All it cares about is trying to bite me. I’m dodging it pretty easily. How the hell am I doing this anyway?

We're not falling anymore but sliding across a linoleum floor. I go straight through an open door while mister wolf slams into a wall.

"Ha! Serves ya right, Jackass!" I'm not being petty, it’s just the adrenaline high talking. It howls through the doorway. "I meant it in a good way! Oh shit." It bashes a hole in the wall and breathes fire through it. "How the fuck is that fair?" I'm being hunted by a three-headed hellhound and I'm stuck in a dead end room reminding me way too much about that time I blew up half the science lab my freshman year.

Do not worry.

"What?" The wolf tears at the wall with flame and claw.

I am right here.

"Who's there?" It’s almost through.

Call for me, so my strength becomes yours.

“How?” Memories force their way to the surface. Igor, the Velvet Room and the contract. Any trace of doubt is squashed in an instant. This is the answer. I look at the card now resting in my right palm.

“Persona.” It escapes my mouth in a whisper and I crush the card. Power rushes through me, feeling new and old at the same time. The thing I now know as a Shadow ignores the aura surrounding me and sends another blast of flame towards me.

I am thou and thou art I.

The room ices over instantly, freezing my attacker and its’ assault completely. I look behind me as a figure materializes.

Through the sea of thy soul, I emerge.

He’s a tall sumbitch. Taller than any of the other ponies I’ve met. His right leg is an obvious prosthetic and his left is clad in wintry gear. A cloak wrapped around his upper torso hides all but his left arm, with a bracer and thick glove, and a massive ax on his back with a chunk of its’ blade gone. His face is covered with a mask like Kakashi, his left eye ablaze like Black Rock Shooter and his right eye covered by his shaggy black mane. All this crowned by the fractured horn on his head.

I am Sombra, father of the Crystal Kingdom.

Wait. What? This guy is King Sombra? I thought he was supposed to be an evil tyrant...and whole.

Nay, the vile sorcerer is but the last to share my name. A son of my house many years since my demise.

“So he’s your descendant?” He simply nods and disappears. A subtle chill settles in my heart. “Okay then. That happened.” I walk over to the pupsicle and kick it over. I feel incredibly satisfied when it breaks over the floor. I even start to smile when the chunks turn to black goo. Of course, I lose that smile when goo forms two flaming wolf things. Thankfully they only have one head each and are significantly weaker than the Cerberus wannabe. I take them out with Bufu and Cleave respectively.

An elevator dings open at the end of the hall. I don’t remember it being there earlier. Looking at the room again, I spot a book completely untouched by ice. I decide to take it with me and ride the elevator. I’m not surprised when I wind up back in the lobby I started at. I’m definitely happy to see the entrance cleared up. I’m practically skipping over to it. I can’t wait to get out of here and take a nap.

Of course, the universe decides to remind me I’m not allowed to be happy. So just as I’m about to step through, a tugging at my raised foot informs me my shoelace came undone and I fall. This second trip through the mirror can be summed up with a simple phrase. Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.

[Golden Oaks Library]

I somehow exit with enough force to flip in midair and crash back-first into the same table as before.

“Ow.” Didn’t mean for that too sound so bored. A yellow and pink blur obscures my vision.

“Oh my goodness. You’re bleeding.” I am? I am. Three thin scratches across my torso. I really should have felt those earlier. Whoa shit, these things are deep. How many times did I almost die in there?

The blur clears to a pale yellow pegasus with a pink mane who starts checking over my injuries. The green sweater and quiet voice makes her seem a bit like a wallflower. She worried for me. I can see it in her eyes. She’s about to ask for something but is stopped when a pink earth pony with a poofy-pink mane immediately hands her a medical kit. She's kind of dressed like a kid who never grew up.

Wait, haven’t I met her somewhere? Oh yeah! She snuck up on me yesterday. So mysteriously confusing. I think I’m going to like her.

She winks like I just complimented her and somehow carries everything but my boxers, no idea how, off to another pony I haven’t met. This one is a white unicorn with an elegantly curled, dark purple mane. She doesn’t even touch my clothes when they’re handed to her. She simply sniffs, levitates them, and casts some kind of spell to remove the blood and inspect the scratches. She looks like the nicer version of a fashion snob from back home.

The last new additions are speaking near the wall. At least I know these ones. Applejack and Rainbow Dash, I lost count of all the stories I’ve heard about these two. What the fuck is Rainbow wearing? Is it supposed to be some kind of sporty two-piece or something? I’m pretty sure the top doesn’t need that many zippers either. Rainbow’s trying to look mad at me but keeps slipping to concerned. I silently pray she isn’t tsundere and promptly ignore her.

And I just now realize I can’t hear anything. Not even ambient sounds. The look in Twilight's eye says this is her spell and Spike is doing a crossword. I watch him belch out a scroll and Twilight reads it three times before they’re all okay with it. My senses suddenly return full force.

“Ow.” Twilight apparently numbed me too. Don't know how I should feel about that but I'll start with tingly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are the bandages too tight?" She's done already? Hot damn she's skilled.

"I'm fine. I've been through worse."

"Now, now. Ya don't need to act tough for us, Partner." The farm girl is treating my like a child.

"My name is Leroy and I am twenty-two years old." A near-silent 'eep' and Miss Yellow is suddenly hiding behind Spike. He just rolls his eyes and goes back to his puzzle. Just what kind of shit does he normally put up with around here to be that unfazed?

"Why are you so short?" Wow, Fashionista just broke my expectations.

"Jeez Rarity, most ponies expect that from me." Thank you Rainbow, I could not have said that better. Also, her name is Rarity? Where the hell does that make sense? Who names their child that? Is it supposed to be an insult or some weird motivational technique?

Hey, that yellow one is the only one who's name I don't know now. Shit, I just missed their conversation. Plan D!

"My height is actually on the lower side of average back on Earth." And now they think I'm mad at them. Spike just smirks. He must get sidelined quite a bit. "I'm not actually angry."

"Sorry, Leroy. We shouldn't have talked like you weren't there." So that's what they did. I see Pinkie practically vibrating in place. I blink and she's suddenly beside me and dragging me to the door.

"Talk later, party now!" I try to put up a struggle and get my first taste of Earth Pony strength when her return tug lands me face-first in her bosom. This is the first time that my height works against as I have to struggle more to get air. She quickly lets me go as I gasp for breath.

"First off..." I point straight at her rack. "...those things are lethal weapons." She just giggles and intentionally bounces them. "Secondly, I'm not going anywhere when I'm barely dressed." A flash of blue light ends that argument. I turn to stare at Rarity who gives a prideful smirk.

"Did you really think I'd let you go out like that? It would've been a crippling wound to my pride to hide a fabulous outfit like yours away. Although, I'm sure I could make you something better. If that's alright with you, anyway."

"I'd prefer this to be the fanciest I get outside a tux but thanks for the offer."

"It's no trouble at all. I'll even do it for free." I try to retort but Pinkie wraps me in a hug, face full of boob.

"We're gonna be late. The Guest of Honor can't be late for their own party. That's Super Duper not okay!" I can't really make out anything after that since Pinkie jams my head into her cleavage. At least I can tell that it's Applejack that gets everyone moving. I'm snatched from Pinkies' grip and hoisted over a cyan shoulder like a mail sack. I'll be a bit clearer. Rainbow's carrying me now with Spike snickering at me as our group moves through town. Miss Yellow's the closet to me since Twilight and AJ are keeping me out of Pinkies' reach and Rarity seems to have Spike at her beck and call.

"Thanks for fixing me up. You do really good work." She blushes at the praise but doesn't move away. "Though, I'm afraid I didn't catch your name." I can't make out her whispered response. "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?" It's barely louder than last time but I still can't understand it. "One last time please." I think I got it this time. "You say your name is Fluttershy?" She smiles and nods. "That's a cute name. Pleased to meet you."

"Oh. Um, it's nice to meet you too." Wow, she's really quiet. I could have sworn she was louder in the library. She's also blushing a lot harder now that I've smiled at her. I almost ask if she's alright but a sudden pain silences me. Fluttershy freezes, eyes wide in shock. Everyone stares at the mare carrying me.

"Did you just spank me?" I can't keep the shock from my voice. Why did she do that?

"I don't know." She's teasing me?! "Did it feel like this?" She laughs as she smacks me again. Is this some kind of flirting or are all ponies this forward?

"Rainbow Dash! You should know better than to tease him like that." I find myself yanked away from Rainbow and walking with Fluttershy. She's holding my hand and draping a wing around me. While it's adorable to hear Fluttershy admonish someone, I really hope this wing-thing doesn't mean anything. Ugh, knowing my luck, and the way Rarity is glaring, it probably does.

"Yeah Dashie. You can't spank Stallions without a safe word." I find myself questioning where Pinkie keeps her brain. Because that statement just gives horrible thoughts.

[30 Minutes Later, Sugarcube Corner]

The party's in full swing and I'm honestly surprised that I'm enjoying myself. This is the first party I've ever enjoyed being at. Food, drinks, music and plenty of sources of information. You'd never find anyone on Earth as nice as these ponies without a loaded wallet in your pocket. Big Macintosh, who Applejack introduced as her older brother, is definitely the most patient though. Spike comes in at a close second with the personal info he's scrounged up. Treat either of them the way you want to be treated and they'll return the favor. Speaking of Applejack, she's trying to get me to drink hard cider.

"I think I have enough stress without drinking." I suppose I'm lucky she hasn't shoved the mug in my face. She probably saw Pinkie do the same with her vanilla cupcakes. Delicious but rude since I was talking to the Crusaders when she did it. Where did they get off to anyway? Scootaloo had a weird look in her eye before I lost them and I don't like the feeling it gave me.

"It's just one. It ain't gonna hurt ya any." She's pouting at me as she speaks. It isn't working and she knows it. "Fine." She sighs and holds the mug above her. Rainbow glides over and chugs the thing then ruffles my hair. I glare at her until her breath hits my nostrils. I take a closer look at her eyes before she floats over to dance. She's already drunk and enjoying every second of it.

I spy Vinyl at her turntable and give her a nod. She smirks in response while switching up the tunes. I can't really get into any of it though. I prefer songs with lyrics most of the time.

"You alright Partner?" Applejack wraps an arm around me. "Yer looking like Mac when the pie's gone." I guess I should have believed Spike when he said AJ wasn't that good with analogies.

"Just feeling a little homesick." I shrug her off. "I'll get over it." She just looks more worried than before. "I'm fine. It's not that big of a deal."

"Well I think it is. I can't imagine what my kin would do if I up and disappeared like that."

"I don't have to worry about that." She's shocked.

"But what about yer family? Or the friends you left behind."

"The only people I ever called friends are already dead and I haven't spoken to my mother since she disowned me." Applejack looks like she wants to hug me and never let go.

"That just ain't right." I don't want to stay on this subject.

"Where'd Big Macintosh go?" She relaxes when I ask. I guess she wasn't comfortable with the conversation either.

"The Crusaders are staying at the farm tonight so he came to take em home." Now that she mentions it, it seems a lot roomier than earlier.

"Is it that late already? Just how long was I gone for?"

"You were only in there fer an hour or two." Wait, what? "It's been a pretty slow day since everypony's trying to be careful and not do too much today." Seriously, what?

"But Cheerilee and the Crusaders were eating when I woke up."

"Didn't they tell you? School's closed fer a couple days on account of Rainbow crashing through the roof yesterday. And Applebloom ain't allowed to stay with her friends on a school night." They probably slept in too. Oh My God. That's why they were laughing at me. Children are jerks.

"Is Rainbow alright?"

"That girl can crash headfirst into a mountain and come out fine. That schoolhouse never stood a chance going up against her thick skull."

"Ouch." She punches my arm. Damn, that hurts.

"Didn't mean it like that." We're both smiling. "I should be gettin to go too. Granny'll tan my hide if I'm late for supper again."

"I'll talk to you later Applejack." I get distracted as she's leaving. Watching how pony legs work is a disquieting experience. They look like don't suit a bipedal form but still work just fine.

"Like what you see?" Vinyl's snuck up on me. Why am I not startled by this? "I can't blame you. It's not often you see a mare with a flank as built as that." And now I'm confused. (This is the part where I need all you readers to ignore that I corrected myself in an earlier session. Thank you.) The hell is a flank? Did she even use the word right?

"Did you just sniff me?" Twilight was sniffing me, Rarity sniffed my clothes and now Vinyl is joining in?

"Maybe. Yes." Unapologetic in the truest sense. "I can't help it. You just smell good."

"Still creepy." I didn't hear it before but the music's over. "The party didn't last very long."

"That's because Mrs Cake cornered Pinkie before she got too excited." My confusion is evident. "Pinkie doesn't normally talk about sex stuff." Still confused here. "She's in heat, moron."

"That's actually a thing?" My voice was just a bit too loud there.

"Yes, it's a thing." She hisses. "Don't give me that look. It just makes it a little harder for us to stay in control of ourselves. And since Pinkie isn't all that great at self control normally..." Yeah, she doesn't need to finish that one. "And we're not supposed to point it out like that. So keep your voice down."

"How was I supposed to know that? I'm new here."

"I know that. That's why I'm warning you."

"I get it. No one likes having their secrets aired."

"Good. You'll get a lot of friends with that attitude."

"Huh?"

"It's like this. Ponies like to talk about their problems." Okay. "They aren't just going to talk to anyone. Well some of them might. The point is, if you take the time to help these ponies out then your reputation will improve. A better reputation means better rewards like a couple free items from a shop, access to special areas and invitations to certain events. There are even some ponies who won't look at you without a great reputation."

"You kind of sound like a tutorial NPC right now." I may not be able to see her eyes, but I can certainly feel her stare. I really screwed up here.

"You should work on your charm too." I'm gonna need some ice for that one. "Anyway, if you ever want to check your reputation then head over to Rock and Roll's shop. I'm usually there when I'm not busy with something and they can help you when I'm outta town."

"Thanks."

"No problem." She turns to look at the room. "Well it looks like the party's over." That's a bit of an understatement. They've almost completely cleaned up. "I need to pack up my gear and get home." She lifts her glasses and looks me in the eye. "Come find me if you need anything. I'll hook you up." I nod and she replaces her glasses. "See ya later. I'll tell Pinkie you said the same."

"Thanks...again." She just waves me off. I'm surprised when I yawn. I'm completely exhausted. How did I not notice this earlier? Probably because I didn't actually do anything after exiting that mirror world. (And this is the part where I go straight back to the house and go to sleep.)

(Is something wrong?)

(What's with the colors?)

(Colors? Oh, you mean those.)

(Is this why Luna bribed me to let you cast the spell?)

(Don't be so hard on her, Darling. She's just trying to show you she cares.)

(We're done here.)

(Leroy. Please wait.)

(Let me go.)

(She just wants the chance to earn your forgiveness. Can't you just hear here out?)

(Fine. Just turn that thing off first.)

Interlude: Hello? Hello, hello? Is anyone there?

Well, if you're reading this, then chances are you've made some very poor career choice.

.....

That was a joke.

Who’s supposed to be reading this anyway? No seriously, who’s reading this? Is this for people or ponies? If it’s ponies, then they’ll probably either redo this all to be accurate or just ask everyone else involved for their sides of the story.

Are they really expecting more humans to show up? A highly unlikely scenario but not entirely impossible.

In either case, I’ve gotten in a bit of trouble for not making these ‘chapters’ longer. It’s not my fault the spell nearly gave me an aneurysm.

I guess we’ll call this an interlude. Where should I start?

Hm...got it!

Cumulonavigation- This is the scientific term for (surprise surprise) navigating via weather patterns. Since pegasi have the universal ability to craft/mold/move clouds, they developed ‘weather maps’ for how they could best keep various regions survivable. This started in the Pre-Unification Period, where the pegasus tribe was located north of the others. Their creation is directly tied to pegasi’ instinctive awareness of the cardinal directions (which was the target of a lot of bird jokes back in the day). Only other thing I can tell you about it is that all weather team captains need to know it before they can get the job. This is the best description I could do with how Rainbow explained it to me.

Not enough? Then listen up losers, Leroy’s about to lay a factdown on your sorry asses.

Pegasi wings are connected to the mid/lower back and fold on their sides. It is not a fashion statement so quit staring. It also surprisingly difficult to hurt them with an outside force. Also, they are not an erogenous zone but they are ticklish.

Yes, ponies are tall. Yes, they are impressively proportioned. No, they aren’t lighter because they’re bipedal. They’re are differences between tribes though, with pegasi being the lightest of the three and earth ponies the heaviest. They’re also stronger than you would ever want to experience. Those funny little shows of strength from the show (accidental or otherwise) can be trained up to.

Yes, herds (harems) are a thing. No, you won’t get one. You will not be found super attractive just because you’re a different species. You have as much of a chance at getting a mare and/or stallion to like you as the rest of equestria. Nobody is all that interested in one night stands around here unless they're in heat or their name is Cloud Kicker but I only know her through reputation. I don’t put much stock in rumors like that. AJ called my opinion adorable but wrong.

That unicorn eating a ham sandwich is NOT a hallucination. Unicorns have the highest caloric intake next to alicorns due to their mana reserves. The majority of unicorns prefer special tea blends instead. Said tea was an invention of necessity in the olden days but grew into a booming trade with a variety of flavors and brands. Actually, all ponies are able to eat meat and you’ll most likely not realize that particular fact until you sit down to an eggs-ellent little breakfast with those crunchy strips of heaven on the side.

Heh. Reminds me of a Cracked video.

What? Stop the puns? Never! Thinking these things up is like my main source of entertainment. It's fucking boring here.

You want to know about me? Well alright.

I was going to college for a degree in criminal psychology. My hair is naturally brown but I was dying it silver back on earth. The suit/uniform I was wearing when I was sent here was something I whipped up while I was in my high school’s drama club. It was the only club with any room when I was removed from the track team.

I was in a car accident when I was sixteen which took the life of my father and left me with needing two screws in my left leg and another in my left arm. They still act up from time to time. I’m vertically challenged. The Crusaders are legitimately taller than me. It’s only an inch right now. Shit, give them few years time and they're going to tower over me too.

Why does everything seem inconsistent? I’m just doing it to annoy Twilight. It may paint me as a jerk but her reactions are one of the few forms of entertainment I actually have in this world. It’s so boring here.

Oh right, I forgot the spell. It’s a modified therapy spell that honestly reminds me of a pensieve from the Harry Potter books. Except you don’t get sucked into a bowl for it.

~~And now I’ve run out of things to say.~~

I want to go home. There's nothing to do here.

Well, that's not entirely true. They do set up some arcade cabinets in the spring. Fucking wastes of time and bits. I shouldn't say that. Even if it is true.

Over than that, nothing. I still can barely read one of the languages here. Yeah, you should watch out for that. And by that, I mean that Equestria doesn't have a unified written form so all three tribes write in their native language with Modern Unicorn being the easiest to learn. I'm currently in my fourth month of learning it and still getting shown up by the Cake Twins.

Also, Ponyville ain't that big of a place. There's no real nightlife except a single pub/club and Pinkie is the only one who throws parties during the day. I'm actually missing college just so I wouldn't have so much free time. And don't think I don't have a job. Because I do. Several in fact. All from the bulletin board just outside Town Hall.

I should wrap this up before I ramble some more. Seriously though, what was I supposed to do here?

Wait. Um, final point... the stuff after this will be ~~week-by-week format. A certain lavender mare has been whining.~~ longer.... maybe. I don't know what they want from me. Nobody is being very informative either.

....Note end?

No? Damn. How do I turn this off? Oh great, there's a timer. What the hell do I do now?

[Leroy spent the remaining twelve minutes singing what he calls "The Song That Never Ends". Despite the repetitive nature of said song, experts agree that Leroy has a very likable singing voice.]

Nothing important.

[The Velvet Room]

I should have expected this. I really should have.

“You continue to be a most interesting guest.” Igor smiles enigmatically. “The power of the Wild Card is expected but you are capable of much more. To hear your personas’ hearts as they hear yours.”

“I can hear hearts?”

“You will understand in due time.” He gestures to his side. “For now, I believe introductions are in order.” A figure steps forward.

“Hello, My name is Theodore, though I am surprised you don’t know of me.” He seems to slouch a little. “Then again, nothing truly stays the same.” Brightening up again, he continues. “I and my sisters are the assistants of Master Igor. I am one of the individuals helping you on your journey. Specifically, I will be in charge of your Compendium. The same rules apply for you as they did for your predecessors.” He seems happier now. “You may register any Persona you hold at the time into the Compendium. Then, for a modest fee, recover them at a later date.” The word modest seems to embarrass him.

“How am I supposed to pay?” I’m pretty sure my gas/fast-food fund was ruined by my surprise dip. Where is my wallet, anyway? I think Twilight said something about it. Man, I really need to start paying more attention when people speak.

“I can assure you, the currency of your current location will be more than adequate. In fact, you should find my fees much more agreeable with these ‘bits’. That brings another point to mind but I believe Master Igor wishes to be the one to explain.”

“Thank you Theodore.” I look back to Igor. “Due to the nature of your current world, measures must be taken to ensure our guests’ confidentiality.”

“Why?”

“Normally, only those with a contract can see the Velvet Room’s entrance. This is due to the lack of certain abilities in the populace. However, with magic so abundant around you, we were forced to seek outside help. Unwanted guests tend to meet unfortunate ends from our less savory residents, after all.” He waves his hand in a circle. “And I would prefer to keep potential relations neutral, if not amicable.” The room seems to shake.

“It would appear she has found us, Master.”

“Indeed. We will have to cut things short, I’m afraid.” He tosses me a Velvet Key. “The next time we meet will be under your own power. Do keep a lookout for our help.”

“No doubt, it will be a ‘great’ meeting. She has a ‘powerful’ personality, after all.” Theodore jokes with a smile.

“I won’t keep you from your guest. See you next time.” Wait, what?

“What guest?” They just grin as my vision fades.

[???]

I’m suddenly in a white expanse. I watch an ornate throne room slide, Matrix-style, into existence. I can see a full moon and twinkling stars through the open balcony doors.

“What is this place?”

“This is the Night Court. The heart of Our domain, nestled deep within the Realm of Sleep.” (Whoa, I didn’t even hear that originally.) The words seem to come from everywhere. No matter where I look, I can’t find the source. “We have been hoping to speak with you, human.”

“My name is Leroy.” I sound more annoyed than I really am.

“We are already aware of thy alias, Alien Abomination.” Okay, now I’m officially pissed off.

“If you’ve got something to say then say it to my face and quit hiding like a coward.”

“You would dare to challenge Us in Our domain, where We are strongest?” This voice is mocking me.

“I would.” Fuck you, Mysterious Voice. You can’t even stay consistent with your wording. I ain’t taking any shit from you.

“Fine!” Every pane of glass shatters at the volume. Even I’m forced to cover my ears. Starting to think this wasn’t a good idea. The shadows of the room bleed together, forming a figure on the once-empty throne. A dark blue coat with an ephemeral, starry mane/tail. Curves most definitely proving her of the fairer sex. Wings larger than any pegasi I’ve seen and giant horn upon her head. And the blue/purple dress she wears looks like it was designed around the armor and crown she wears, a sign of station worn out of necessity. She is a warrior first and nobility second. “We are Luna, Princess of the Night.”

The temperature drops drastically and my instincts scream in fear. Fear of her, a being so very far above me in the cosmic scale that I could swear Death itself is laughing at me while it drinks a V8. My mind whirls, going over everything she’s said until now, hoping to find some way to undo my insult. I don’t like the connections it makes.

“You’re a Dreamwalker.” Fuck me sideways on a rusty swingset… Depending on her power, the Velvet Room’s very presence could be considered an affront to her.

“No.” No? ”I am much more than that.” A pulse of raw power confirms that. “Will you apologise for your transgressions?” She rises from her throne and stalks towards me, stopping close enough to lean over and whisper in my ear. “Or shall We make you regret your words?” She says it in such an innocent, seductive tone. She pulls away with a smile on her face. (And a blade at my balls! How the fuck did I not notice that when it happened?)

“M-my humblest apologies, your Majesty.” I’m tripping over my words and stuttering like a damn fool. “I had no idea you-”

“Silence.” There’s no emotion in her tone. Only power. “Tonight marks the second time We’ve felt someone ripped from Our realm with unknown magic. Had Our sister not informed Us of your presence, We would never have found who it was.” Shit. “We do not blame you. We were merely curious as to who use twist Our realm in such a way.”

“Were?” She didn’t ask me anything, so where did she get her info?

“We walked through your recent memories as you gained lucidity in the void.” Excuse me, what!

“You went through my mind!” That was the wrong thing to say and the wrong way to say it.

“Don not forget who you speak to.” I can’t help but flinch at the bite in her tone. Her gaze softens. “Why do you make this so difficult?” She’s not really speaking to me as she continues. “My mind is at war when I lay gaze upon you. Mentally, I know you are an adult but your shorter stature invokes the urge to guard you like a colt. I doubt there is any mare who would not feel the same.” Is that what’s been happening? An ‘Older than he looks’ thing? “Of course, there are mares who are into that sort of thing.” Why did she say that? H-has my life turned into some kind of fucked-up harem comedy? Because I will fight it every step of the way if it has. I actually like living. And those plots suck. (And the relationships either don’t go anywhere, because the main character doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and it only gets resolved in the finale or have things go down the ‘everyone shares the main character’ route which is just complete bullshit.)

(Hey! I actually like those stories.)

(What? Why? They’re completely unrealistic! Relationships are built by spending time together and being faithful to your partner. I have no respect for a guy who can’t make a choice like that. Especially if he already has a girl in mind.)

(You’re completely unrealistic!)

(Stay classy, Twilight. Stay classy.)

Luna chuckles at my expression. “This is much more enjoyable than our first meeting.”

“First meeting?”

“Last night. I was attempting to aid you with your nightmare. Instead of hearing me out, you punched me in the face.” A nervous blush appears. “I may have overreacted in response.” Huh. I punched a pony goddess/princess in the face. How many guys have that on their resume?

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine. Though, I am unsure as to why your nightmare appeared in such a form. It appeared to me as you running through Ponyville screaming ‘I am freaking the fuck out.’ at the top of your lungs.”

“Sounds about right.” She’s clearly unsatisfied with my answer. “I hate people looking at me like I’m weak, so I bottle things up and deal with them in private. What you saw, most likely, was me suffering the near mental breakdown I should’ve had the day that I arrived. There’s only so much the human mind can take before it breaks.” My mind’s going weird again. “What’s with your speech anyway?” Ha! I actually caught her off guard with that one. Damnit, she’s recovered.

“You mean the ‘Royal We’? I’m supposed to use it during matters of the state. Sleeping is the only time I can actually talk like I want to. Especially after Star Swirl’s sadistic study sessions on speech. Tia did have it far worse than I did. It took her two hundred years to stop glaring at tea kettles.”

“What?”

“My sister chose the more political side of the lessons while I chose poise. Her hardest challenge was ‘Tea Time’, where she had to conduct herself as a proper noble while drinking tea. If she messed up at any point, she would have to do the entire lesson over again.” That doesn’t sound so bad. “She wasn’t even allowed to relieve herself until she passed for the day.” Her grin’s telling me there’s more. “And Star Swirl never interrupted his lessons, not even the failed ones.” I almost wince while Luna starts grinning like a lunatic. “She never lasted through the third try the entire time he taught us.” We both start laughing.

“That’s so cruel.” I gotta sit down.

“I know. Compared to that, balancing a bucket of tree sap on my horn was a cakewalk.” We laugh a while longer. “It’s nearly morning now. Perhaps we could talk like this again?”

“Just give me a little warning next time.”

[My Room]

I’m shocked. It feels like I’ve been awake the entire time. It’s kind of unsettling but not completely.

“This place is weird.”

“Well you’re up early.” I am? “Celestia raised the sun a few minutes ago.” Am I supposed to believe that? Then again, I did just talk to a goddess. Is Celestia this ‘Tia’ she spoke of? It would still take a shitload of power to move a celestial body....

Wow. The connection has been made. Time to welcome back my old friend paranoia, because I don’t believe in coincidences.

“Good morning, Miss Cheerilee.” She had been waiting for an answer.

“Oh, you don’t have to use the Miss with me.” She smiles cheerily. Wow, two for two. Good going, brain.

“Okay.” I move to sit on the side of the bed. Cheerilee joins a second later.

“Do you have any plans for today?”

“Nope.” It feels weird to say that. On Earth, I always had something to do or some little side project to work on. “Why are you asking?”

“I was thinking you could do with some more clothes. It’d be better to get them now.”

“Where would I even go to get them?”

“Carousel Boutique. Rarity’s the go-to girl for Ponyville’s clothing needs.” She seems a little nervous now. “You should really tell her yourself. You don’t want her finding out on her own. It won’t end pretty.”

“It may just be my paranoia talking, but you’re making it sound like she’ll rape me or something.” Complete silence with a haunted look. “She wouldn’t actually do that, right?”

“Of course not! I don’t know what you’ve heard, but being in heat doesn’t make a mare some kind of sex-crazed criminal.” Hold up.

“Rarity’s in heat?”

“I was trying not to say that.” That’s a yes. “Rarity is very passionate about her work. Her current condition usually makes it a bit worse as she tends to be....”

“Hot-blooded?” Cause she’s in heat. I crack me up.

“I was going to say prideful but that works too.” She takes a minute to compose herself. “Here’s the thing. If you don’t tell her now, it will only haunt you later.” I see her shudder and give her a one-armed hug, offering silent comfort.

“Okay. It’s not like I have anything better to do.” She returns my hug. I guess my surrender was more transparent than I thought.

[Outside Carousel Boutique, Noon]

“Finally.” It was a hassle getting here so I’m justified saying that. (Rainbow Dash deciding to prank me in some sort of hazing ritual, nearly getting run over by the Crusaders as they zoomed through town, checking out the shop Vinyl mentioned while simultaneously meeting Lyra, and finding out just how Pinkie is contained/distracted for a week.)

I’m bowled over by someone rushing out the door.

“Sorry, Rarity! I need to feed my books!” Twilight? What the fuck kind of excuse was that?

“Oh my. Are you alright, Leroy?” Rarity pulls me to my feet and stares after Twilight with a huff. “Honestly, she could’ve just said no.” I get an eyeful of her current outfit.

“Nice bikini.” Baby blue, barely there, and about to burst any second.

“Oh? You mean this old thing?” She twirls in place, still ‘jiggling’ at the end. I guess the ‘bursting look’ is intentional. “I was just seeing if it still fit. As well as some other pieces from my youth.” Placing a hand to her chest in an exaggerated ‘regret’ pose. “Twilight would have just looked delightful in that skirt.”

“Well it looks great on you.” I’m not even making that up. I’ve had enough Twi'lek fantasies to not be too bothered.

“Thank you, Darling.” A dramatic little gasp. “Where are my manners? Please, come inside.” I wolf-whistle as she walks inside, causing her to look at me with a smirk. I follow her in and she shuts the door with magic. “Welcome to Carousel Boutique.” She strikes a ‘showy’ pose. “Where everything is chic, unique, and magnifique.”

“Nice presentation.” It looks like she just cleaned up a warzone. I remember Spike saying that she just finished an order for some noble.

“Flattery won’t get you everywhere, Darling.” She says that, but she’s still smirking. “What can I do for you today?”

“I need a couple outfits.” I swear I see some kind of evil in her eye for a split second.

“Say no more, Leroy. I’ll take it from here.” Why can’t I move? "Just relax and let Rarity do her thing." I have made a horrible mistake.

[Scootaloo’s House, Evening]

I am never going there again unless I’m forced. She measured everything eight times. Eight times. Just to check that the numbers were right. At least the clothes won’t take long. Sweetie’s supposed to bring them tomorrow.

Speaking of Crusaders, Scootaloo is currently poking me with her hoof.

“Should I worry about where that’s been?” My attempt at humor is completely ignored. Probably for the best.

“You okay?”

“I got measured for clothes.” She rolls her eyes.

“Boys.” Oh joy, gender stereotypes exist here too. I wonder who’s getting the short end of the stick here. “You gonna just lay here or do you actually plan on eating?” She bends over to examine me. “Me and Cheerilee can put it in the fridge if you aren’t hungry. It’s already pretty cold now.”

“As it stands, I’m merely waiting for proper feeling to return to my limbs after the events that transpired earlier today. Being magically paralyzed by a fashion-obsessed unicorn and forcibly placed in a variety of poses over the course of several hours tends to be detrimental to posture.”

“You sound funny. Did you catch a cold?” Concern and fear are present in her voice.

“Fortunately for me, no. I simply need a way to vent my various frustrations in a non-destructive manner, utilizing my extended vocabulary to test my conversational skill.” I can see her blank expression. “I’m bored and still waiting for Rarity’s spell to wear off. Word games keep me occupied.” Realization, then confusion.

“Then how did you get back?”

“Pinkie Pie.” I wish I could take a picture of Scootaloo’s face right now. It’d be even funnier if I hadn’t had the same look when it happened. “Yes, I am being completely serious. Rarity tossed me out the door as soon as she had my measurements and somehow Pinkie was waiting there to catch me. She carried me here on her back.” She was also topless, speaking in a veritable storm of double entendres and sex puns, and rushing to make it back before Mrs Cake realised she wasn’t at the milker anymore. “This town is really started to get weird.”

Scootaloo pats me on the head and goes to get Cheerilee, who roughly pokes a series of spots along my spine. Feeling has returned to my body and I nearly leap to my feet. Cheerilee isn’t amused and sends me straight to bed. Meaning, she carried me there after we argued over my condition. (I still think I was fine. She shouldn’t worry so much.)

Scootaloo’s been appointed as my guard so now she thinks she has to sleep with me. The ‘friendly’ way, not the ‘romantic’ or ‘sexy’ ways. She’s still way too excited about it. I barely manage the privacy to change and get settled before she bursts into the room, tossing another pillow on the now uncomfortably thin bed. Now I have to ignore the fact there’s a naked filly in the same bed as me since ninety percent of ponies sleep nude, no matter what.

“Hey Leroy.” Wow, she timed that horribly. I was almost to my happy place. ”How would you describe yourself?” That’s a weird question. Sounds a bit practiced as well.

“An unreliable narrator.”

“Huh?” I feel her shift behind me.

“Just go to sleep, Scoots.” Her wings give a little buzz.

“O-okay. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Sleep comes easy after that.

(That good enough? Because I’d like to cut this short. There’s a new Daring Do book out today.)

(...)

(Twilight? Twiiiiiiiiiiilight.)

(...)

(I think I broke her. But how? When?)

(...)

(And now it’s creepy. I’m gonna go get a guard, you ah...keep doing what you’re doing.)

(....Tea Time?)