The Great Muffin War

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life
Length: 1417

Twilight Sparkle defends her library against the greatest threat in Equestria.

Twilight Sparkle is gifted an enormous supply of muffins by Princess Celestia as a prank. Instead, Twilight and Derpy 'defend' the library from potential invaders.

Published 2014-04-23 14:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-23 14:20:02 UTC

In Memory Of Those Brave Muffins

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Twilight hummed a cheery little tune as she watered the flowers in front of Golden Oaks library, ensuring that each and every little plant was cared for in equal measure. She even gave a tuneless little whistle now and then, and the sun shone brightly from above as she finished off the last one.

“Twilight! Hey! Hey, Twilight!” a chipper voice called out, and Twilight gazed skyward to spot the inward bound grey pegasus. Much to her dismay, the speeding mare seemed to be lugging several large wooden boxes, suspended in the air with frighteningly thin strands of rope.

“Are – are you alright there, Derpy?” she shouted up to the mail mare, who only continued on her downward spiral. Thinking quickly, Twilight pushed a surge of magically infused air upward, billowing the pegasus upwards just in time to prevent her from hitting the ground.

The boxes, however, were not quite so fortunate, and every one of them slammed into Twilight’s flowers as the frail ropes snapped like… very frail ropes.

Derpy stood shakily, giving herself a good shake before blinking sheepishly.

“Hey, Twilight!” she perked up shortly afterwards. “Sorry about that, there’s not really much of an updraft today. I brought you mail!”

“I… see. And, where is it, if I may ask?”

Derpy only looked at the boxes currently crushing Twilight’s petunias.

Twilight sighed heavily, and nodded grimly.

“Yes, thank you Derpy.”

“I didn’t mean to drop those,” she shifted guiltily at Twilight’s sour frown. “Really this time.”

“Yes, thank you Derpy.”

“They’re express from Canterlot!”

“Yes, thank – wait, what was that last part?” Twilight turned sharply, inspecting the mare.

“From the princess!” Derpy replied happily, regardless of the fact that Twilight was nearly an inch from her face. “She had them specially delivered!”

“Why didn’t you say so?!” Twilight yelped, terrified that she had already failed whatever her mentor was testing her with. Was it something that she was supposed to be prepared for? What if she got it wrong? How was she supposed to know that Derpy would arrive with mail?

What if Celestia was disappointed in her?

Twilight frantically grabbed up every heavy box that she could, and the grey pegasus kindly assisted in carrying them. Twilight had grown so panicked that she temporarily forgot that magic would have served her purpose twice as quickly, but feverishly tore open the crates nonetheless to reveal… more cardboard boxes.

Maybe the test was inside those boxes?

“Whoa, more boxes in boxes!” Derpy stared. “What if there are boxes in those boxes that are in the boxes, too?”

“… Derpy,” Twilight furrowed her brows. “I think I’ve received quite enough assistance, thank you.”

Much to Twilight’s surprise, however, the moment she cracked open the box she was greeted with the hearty scent of baked muffins. Every box was exactly the same, excluding one that had a note attached.

To my favorite student,

Lulu Somepony made too many muffins.

Enjoy.

“… What.”

“Aww!” Derpy was nearly drooling, and cast a disappointed look at the floor. “Geez. I am so jealous right now. So, anyways, see you later, Twilight,” she waved sadly over one shoulder, making for the door.

Not a moment before she had touched the handle, Twilight cleared her throat loudly with a grin.

“… Say, Derpy,” Twilight beamed at her. “You wouldn’t happen to feel like helping me get rid of some of these muffins, would-”

“YES!” the pegasus crossed the distance and snagged her shoulders before she could blink, startling and shaking her. “Yes, for buck’s sake, yes I’ll help you eat them!”

“W-well, that’s not exactly what I had in mind,” Twilight grew immensely more uncomfortable the longer Derpy’s odd stare pierced her. “But I suppose that works, too.”

“Yee-haw!” Derpy threw her hooves into the air jubilantly, flinging up a muffin and even managing to do a very fast and small backflip before catching it in her mouth. “Ee-yeff!”

“Oh, well done!” Twilight found herself clapping energetically at her acrobatics, smile growing on her face. “Well done, bravo!”

Derpy swallowed hard, a beaming smile of her own beginning to spread wider. “Lots of practice,” she bragged, shining her hoof on her chest.

Derpy stared at Twilight for another long beat, and Twilight stared back.

“… What?”

“Aren’t you gonna do a backflip now?” Derpy inquired, stuffing her hooves into the box and pulling out five or six before beginning to juggle them expertly.

“Firstly, er, no. I can’t do backflips,” she chortled as she watched the impressive display. “And secondly, wow, were you ever in the circus at any point?”

“Nah,” Derpy shook her head. “I wouldn’t want to get shot out of a cannon.”

And with that, she tossed one muffin after the other into the air, catching each and every one in her mouth.

“Ow ‘oo why!” she said with her mouth full, and Twilight grinned sheepishly before tossing a muffin into the air. She bit at it, and only wound up getting smacked in the nose. Derpy laughed and shook her head, pulling out a fresh pastry.

“It’s all about timing!” she explained, taking a bite of another. “Ooh, blueberry.”

“I beg to differ,” Twilight snickered, magically levitating one of the muffins right toward her mouth.

Derpy gasped aloud, stunned.

“But-but that’s cheating!” she looked horrified, to which Twilight deadpanned.

She began to tell Derpy that it was only a muffin and that she was only overreacting, but instead began developing a new idea to while away the hours.

“Cheating?” Twilight levitated a few more muffins, eyes flickering back and forth suspiciously. “Oh, no, not at all – I’m just making sure to keep these muffins close, to make sure they don’t get stolen by muffin ninjas.”

Derpy nearly fell over.

“Mu-mu-muffin ninjas?” the pegasus gaped at her in utmost horror.

“Invisible!” Twilight flung out a hoof in a wide semicircle. “Invisible muffin ninjas, all over the place! You can never see the sneaky devils coming, coming right for the muffins!”

“This is terrible!” Derpy pretended to panic and swooned dramatically once she realized that Twilight was playing silly. “Whatever are we going to do to defend our precious supply of muffins from those dastardly fiends?”

“Invisible muffin ninja fight!” the unicorn flung muffins into the air, and Derpy giggled as she caught another one in her mouth. She swallowed the whole thing, keeping her eyes peeled.

“They won’t be getting that muffin!” she snickered, wheeling around in circles before grabbing a couple more pastries. “Look out, Twilight! I think there’s one behind you!”

“Ah-ha!” Twilight leapt over the boxes, landing in a battle stance as muffins began to rise up into the air around her, settling into a floating muffin minefield. She abruptly accidentally smacked herself in the face with one of them, only causing Derpy to laugh harder as she attempted to evade the floating ones (and occasionally stopping to eat a few).

“I’ve gotcha!” Derpy slapped a levitating muffin with the back of her hoof, sending it slowly flying through the air. “Don’t let the muffin ninjas get our extra special delicious muffins, Twilight!”

“Invisible muffin ninjas!” Twilight reminded her breathily, taking a bite of the floating delight. “That makes them even more dangerous.”

“There’s one!” Derpy giggled and pointed through the cloud of muffins, and Twilight immediately sent a swarm of them through the air.

“I think I got one!” she cheered, nearly tripping over one of the boxes in the process.

“Oh no, there’s a fat one!” the pegasus gasped, chucking a muffin behind Twilight. “Fat invisible muffin ninjas, beware!”

“You won’t be getting these,” Twilight insisted to the air, clambering atop a box, unknowingly wearing one of the floating muffins that had gotten stuck on her horn. “Be gone, malevolent foes! For these are the delicious holy muffins of Celestia’s kitchen, and you shall not pass!”

Derpy leapt nimbly onto a box of her own, holding a rather large muffin over her head with pride.

“THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES,” she bellowed fiercely at the especially dangerous fat invisible muffin ninjas, “BUT THEY’LL NE’ER TAKE OUR MUFFINS!”

The front door to the library slammed open, a long shadow immediately cast by the intruder.

“Hey, Twi, I’m back from Ra-”

And the poor little drake didn’t manage to get another word out of his mouth before he was promptly assaulted by bullet storm of holy extra special delicious muffins.