Chapters I need a vacation.
“I need a vacation,” Daring Do said to herself as she stared around her house. “Some place nice, with no creepy fan girls, no Ahuizotl, no temples, and certainly no treasure.”
You really don’t need that, a small voice said in her head. Besides, where would you go for vacation?
“I don’t know. Anywhere but here. I hear that Cloudsdale is nice this time of year.”
But that’s where that creepy fan girl lives.
“You do have a point my subconscious. You are my subconscious, aren’t you?”
How would I know? I’m just a little voice in your head. I don’t possess enough intellect to determine if I am your subconscious. Besides, if I were your subconscious, I wouldn’t be telling you if I were, would I? Isn’t the subconscious’s job to prevent people from doing something, and make them think it’s just the smarter part of their brain?
“Hm. I really can’t answer that, as I’m not a philosopher.” Daring Do walked over to a cabinet, and pulled out a map. “So, little voice in my head, where should we go?”
You aren’t seriously going through with this? I thought I made myself clear that we shouldn’t go on vacation. I told you, no vacation.
“True, but considering the fact that you confirmed the fact that you’re just a little voice in my head, I have no reason to believe you are out for my best interest. Now, to choose a destination.” Daring Do leaned in close to examine the map. “Fillydelphia? Nah, too cold. Manehattan?”
I thought you wanted to keep your identity a secret. If you go to Manehattan, everyone will realize that A. K. Yearling and Daring Do are one and the same. Besides, I though you like to stay out of the limelight.
“Hm. I suppose you’re right. What about the Crystal Empire?” Daring scratched her head with her hoof, but then shook her head. “Definitely not. Little voice, how about Appleloosa?”
Ug, no. Too hot. You always prefer the jungle. Pick somewhere with a forest nearby.
“You’re right. Oh, I know. This place looks nice. How about Ponyville?”
But that’s where-
“Hush. I’m not listening to you. I am taking a vacation in Ponyville, and you are not going to stop me. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?”
Famous last words.
“Be quiet. Now, what do we pack?” However, the voice kept silent, and Daring Do nodded to herself with satisfaction. “Good. No annoying voice, no creepy fan girls, and certainly no Ahuizotl. This will be a wonderful vacation.”
Daring Do smiled. This was the way to travel, no vines, not running from homicidal cats, and no treasure to worry about. Yes, a train was the way to travel. I’m telling you, this is a bad idea. You are going to stay in a town in the middle of nowhere, with a forest that is full of who knows what, and tons of ponies. Anything could happen.
“Or, nothing could happen, and I could spend the week relaxing in the shade or sun, reading a good book. Now, be quiet.”
But there’s Timberwolves there.
“I said be quiet!” The pony next to her a strange look and moved to a different seat.
Hm, I wonder if I could get you to yell at me so much that they throw us off the train. That might get us away from this doomed vacation spot.
“First of all,” Daring said in a whisper, “it is not doomed. Second, I will not yell at you.”
What have you been doing for the last ten minutes then?
Daring thought about the point, and then conceded the fact. “Fine. You’ve got me there. However, I will not submit. If necessary, I will go to a physiologist to get rid of you. I bet they’d have a way to rid someone of annoying voices.”
You wouldn’t dare.
“Um, hello? It’s in my name. Daring Do? I would dare.”
I though your mother named you Daring for your sense of adventure.
“She did, but the name has more than one meaning. It also means that I would dare to do anything to achieve my ends.”
Humph. You’re no fun when it comes to listening to little voices in your head.
“Who is?”
That weird pink pony we met once, probably. Maybe that creepy fan girl. Possibly that nerdy librarian alicorn.
“For how long have you been spying on my personal adventures?”
I have no idea.
“How can you not know? Actually, don’t answer that.” Daring reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a book. “Little voice, from now on, I am not listening to you.” She proceeded to read the book in an attempt to block out the voice.
“Next stop, Ponyville!” The conductor's shout was loud and long.
Daring put her book back into her bag. “Well, my vacation spot is coming up fast. Guess I might as well get ready.”
You know, you really are going to regret taking this vacation.
“What makes you say that? Oh… I just spoke to you, didn’t I?”
Yes you did. Besides, if you had listened to me, you would have heard that that creepy fan girl…
“What about that creepy fan girl?”
I thought you weren’t listening to me?
“I’m not, but I’d like to hear what you have to say this one time.”
No. Not telling you until you apologize.
“Fine, be that way. See if I care.”
Good.
Daring considered pondering the voice’s annoyance. What had it been trying to tell her? She discarded the question, and proceeded to collect her baggage. When she had gotten off the train, she ran into a nasty surprise.
A pink pony was standing at the station. One surprisingly familiar. The pink pony let out a gasp when she saw Daring, well, A. K. Yearling, as she was in disguise, and ran off down the road at speeds faster than was normally possible.
Well, too late now. I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. It’s really nopony’s fault but your own.
Daring Do grumbled at the little voice. “You could have told me. You ruined my vacation by not telling me. Now I need to get back on the train…”
Um, pony who I’m supposed to help, the train already left. That train can break the space-time continuum to stay on time. You might as well stay here for the time being.
“And stay in the same town as that crazy pink pony, one of the ones who annoyed me on my last adventure? No way. I think I might as well stay with the creepy fan girl.”
Good for you. Because all six of them live in this town. The rainbow one might live in Cloudsdale, but she’s a frequent visitor to this town. While we’re stuck here, you might want to find someplace to stay.
“What? I thought that we had a place to stay?”
We did, but someone else booked the place.
“How on earth can you know that before I do?”
I don’t know. Figure out who writes this ridiculous story, and maybe we can figure it out.
“What on earth do you mean by that statement?”
I don’t know. Apparently you had some fleeting image or thought of it, weren’t able to process it fully, and it got filed into the part of the brain I control.
“Um, okay. Let’s just find a place to stay while we’re stuck in this town, and then we can get out of here when we have a way out."
Seems like a plan to me. But then again, as I said before, I don’t have enough intellect for something’s, and one of them is processing plans. Doesn’t matter. Lead on, miss Daring Do.
You know, I’m starting to enjoy this vacation. The pair, well, Daring Do and the voice in her head, which she had decided was her subconscious, had been stuck in the Ponyville library. It had been the only place with a room, and the only reason they had found that out was because there was room for about a hundred ponies, because Pinkie Pie had been able to fit that many into it with ease for her welcome party.
“Yeah, well, I’m not enjoying it.” Daring Do grumbled to the voice. “We’re stuck in a library with a big fan of my adventures, and I’m stuck wearing my fake disguise.”
Aw, but I thought you liked wearing your disguise. Was that sarcasm she detected?
“No, I do not enjoy wearing my disguise. That was only so that I could avoid being discovered.”
Of course it was. You could have, I don’t know, revealed that they were real stories?
“I couldn’t have done that. Then I would have been stormed by fans. Besides, I like my privacy.”
I know that. I’m living inside your brain. Of course I know that. I know everything you know, and then some.
“Fine, then what am I thinking of?” Daring Do smirked, which kind of odd, as was a pony with wide glasses smirking in an empty room.
You’re thinking of... Tap-dancing conga tarantulas!
“Um, no. What in the wide world of Equestria is a tap-dancing conga tarantula?”
I have no idea. I saw the name somewhere, and I liked it.
“Where in the wide world of Equestria would you see the name tap-dancing conga tarantula?”
I’m just as perplexed as you are. Where I would see the words tap-dancing conga tarantulas is a mystery. Just deal with it.
“Subconscious, sometimes I think you are crazy. That fact disturbs me, because as my subconscious, that means that I am also partly crazy.”
Who cares?
“I do for one!” Daring Do cried out. “If I’m crazy, then that means I’ll probably end up in a hospital or something!” This time the outburst was so loud that it alerted some of the ponies downstairs.
Spike, which was the name of that little purple dragon, according to the librarian, poked his head up. “Everything ok? I heard you yelling something about being crazy. Is there a problem? Some of Twilight’s books can make you feel like you’re crazy. I remember one time, when I opened Twilight’s copy of Ghosts, goblins and other ghoulish figures. I mean, come on, who has ever heard of a ghost called a poltergeist? That’s just silly.”
Daring Do sighed. This was definitely the worst vacation she had been on. The fact that her subconscious kept nagging her didn’t help.
Hey! That wasn’t very nice to think. You hurt my feelings.
“Not my fault. If you want me to avoid hurting your feelings, leave my head.”
Spike took a step back. “Um, okay…”
“Not talking to you. Talking to my subconscious,” Daring snapped at the baby dragon. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure how I am going to get out of this town.”
But we’re on vacation!
“This vacation is ruined thanks to you!” Daring screeched at the top of her lungs. Spike fled down the stairs, doing his best to escape the raging author-pegasus. “You wouldn’t tell me that the creepy fan girl lived here, and you didn’t tell me the train broke the space-time continuum! Some subconscious you are!”
In all fairness, I tried to tell you. You just wouldn’t listen.
“If you had been a bit nicer, maybe I would have listened to you,” Daring Do growled, her teeth bared in an almost feral way. “You’re the one who takes it for granted that I should listen to you.”
You should. It’s your choice you don’t. Sometime, I think I’ll see if I can take a vacation away from your head.
“How can a subconscious take a vacation?”
I don’t know. However, next there’s a subconscious convention, I’ll bring it up.
“There’s a subconscious convention? How do you even go to those?”
I don’t know that either. I’ll ask that at the next subconscious convention as well.
“May I point out that you just proved that there aren’t subconscious conventions? If you don’t know how to get to them, how do you get there?”
I have no idea. However, I can go to them for some reason. Being a subconscious has its perks.
“How on earth can a subconscious do that?”
As I said before, being a subconscious has its perks. Why don’t you figure that out? Then, you can write a story called ‘Daring Do and the Quest to Outwit Her Subconscious.’ Fans all over the world will buy it, and you’ll strike it rich.
“You know what, how about I don’t do that. Then, I won’t write it, and then I’ll be able to stay sane.”
Aw. What’s the fun of staying sane? For that matter, what’s the fun in making sense?
“Subconscious, you sound like Discord. What is up with that?”
I don’t know. How do I know about tap-dancing conga tarantulas? Some things are best left a mystery.
“But I don’t think one of them is how certain beings break the laws of time and space, and are also insane.”
Maybe not, but I’m not a being. I’m a subconscious. I don’t assign myself to the riffraff. I’m too clever.
“Three days ago you said that you didn’t possess the intellect to figure out whether or not you were my subconscious. Now you think that you are my subconscious, and that you’re smarter than most other intellectual beings. What’s up with you contradicting yourself so often?”
I can do what I want. You however, are stuck with the boring mundane life as a Pegasus.
“Being a pegasus is not mundane. We are drawn to the sky, not the ground.”
Then you’re airly. Is that a word?
“No it is not.”
Yes it is. I made it a word.
“Subconscious, you are not supposed to make words up. That’s for the people who make dictionaries.”
Tell that to that pink party pony. She recently added nervicited, sparklerific and several others I can’t remember to the dictionary.
“I don’t remember seeing them in the dictionary.”
Pull the dictionary off the shelf.
“Fine. But I think this will end badly,” Daring Do replied. She trotted over to the nearest shelf, but was unable to find the dictionary. She went down the stairs, and began her search. As she was searching, Twilight, was that the name of that librarian, came up to her.
“Um, what are you looking for?” Twilight asked, her gaze perplexed, but not concerned, as Daring was pulling almost every book off the shelf in search of the dictionary.
“Can’t talk right now. Trying to prove to my subconscious that nervicited and sparklerific aren’t words.”
“Oh. Those are Pinkie’s words. You need a dictionary. Here,” Twilight said, using her magic to levitate the book Daring to see.
“Thanks.” Daring grabbed it and flipped through the book towards where the imaginary words were. When she found the page that it should have been on, her mouth dropped open.
Told you it was a word.
“Twilight, do you know the address of the nearest psychiatrist?”
So you are going to write ‘Daring Do and the Quest to Outwit her Subconscious.’ What fun.
“Be quiet.”
Nah.
Author's Note
For any of you who are wondering what a tap-dancing conga tarantula is, it will be revealed later in the story.
Mental the Mental Psychiatrist
“What do you mean he’s out?” Daring cried. Twilight had given her the address of the psychiatrist, although not swiftly, for why Daring Do needed a psychiatrist was beyond her, and Daring had rushed off to find him. Much to her surprise, and the delight of her subconscious, the psychiatrist was off somewhere.
Ooh. We can go on a quest. Let’s go find this psychiatrist. It’s like the story of Sir Geldinghad and the quest for the Hay Grail! You can go search for the hay psychiatrist. Daring almost lost the next words of the assistant psychiatrist thanks to her subconscious.
“I’m sorry, but he’s off. He had a very stressful day, and wants a break. Could I help you?”
Daring grunted noncommittally. “I don’t know. Are you an expert in getting rid of subconscious’s and the like?”
The assistant chuckled. “I’m not really an expert on subconscious’s, although Mental seems to be able to get rid of anything.”
“Mental, is he in?” Daring asked hopefully. If this Mental was in, maybe he could get rid of the voice in her head.
“But Mental is the boss. He’s the one who’s out,” the assistant answered. She raised one of her hooves helplessly. “I’m sorry, but Mental said he was tired, and wanted a break for the next couple days.”
Daring sighed. “Several days? That’s too long.”
Why don’t you go looking for him?
The assistant sighed. “If it’s really that bad, I suppose I could show you to his house. But he might get mad about it. He can be a little… Mental, I suppose, at times.”
A name with a double meaning. Goodie. Just like yours.
“Shush. When can we leave?” Daring directed the second sentence at the assistant. She raised one of her green hooves and scratched her head.
“Maybe in, I don’t know, thirty minutes?”
Yes. That gives me enough time to pack.
“What in the wide world of Equestria would you pack?”
The assistant glanced quizzically at Daring. “Why, nothing of course. His house is only about a mile away.”
Daring sighed again. “Not talking to you. Talking to my subconscious.’”
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a few nonexistent books… Some candy… Possibly a couple sheep…
“How can you pack sheep into my head, and for that matter, why?”
I’m a subconscious, I do as I please.
The assistant held out her hoof. “Um, I’m Psyche. Nice to meet you, and tell your subconscious that I’m pleased to meet him too.”
Daring sighed. She held out her hoof and shook Psyche’s. “I’m A. K. Yearling, but my friends call me Author.”
Psyche nodded. “You wrote the Daring Do books, didn’t you? It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Tell her I’m charmed.
“My subconscious tells me to let you know that he’s charmed.”
“Hm. Does he have a name? I can’t keep referring to him as ‘your subconscious.’ That would get kind of annoying.”
Hm. Do I have a name? Should I pick one? Let’s see, I’ve always liked Bedlam, Anarchy, Pandemonium, Disruption, and Melody. Which do I choose…?
Daring sighed once more. “He’s picking.”
“Let me know when he’s decided.”
Or should I do Cacophony… Hm, too annoying. Harmony…
Daring sat down. “You might want to get ready. He’s busy picking a name. I’ll tell you once he’s decided.”
Thirty-five minutes later, as the subconscious had taken a little longer than expected to decide on a name, and the trio had started off for Mental’s. Bedlam, as the subconscious had decided himself, had apparently done his packing while the duo were getting ready, and Daring couldn’t get the bleating for sheep out of her head.
“How on earth did you fit sheep into my brain?” Daring asked Bedlam as the trio was walking.
I will leave that to your imagination.
“Which means you don’t really know.”
I do know, but I am not going to tell you.
“You just don’t want to admit that you don’t know.”
Psyche turned towards Daring. “What are you two arguing about? I understand that you’re talking to your subconscious, or Bedlam, or whatever his name is, but what are you talking to him about?”
“Apparently he was able to pack sheep into my brain. I don’t know how, and he refuses to reveal how, so I think he doesn’t know how he did it. He says he does know how he did it, but just doesn’t want to tell me.”
I do know, but I’m just not going to tell you.
“You say that, but how do I know that you’re telling the truth?”
Psyche nodded. “So that’s what you’re arguing about. I always wondered what it would be like to have a conversation with my brain. Is it fun?”
Daring shook her head. “No. Why do you think I’m going to see Mental if I don’t want Bedlam out of my head?”
Psyche shrugged. “I suppose you have a point. But what is Bedlam’s opinion on the matter? Does he like having a conversation with the brain, or should I say, himself, or is it herself?”
Wow. She made me more confused than you ever have in that one little sentence.
“I agree with you Bedlam. For once I do. Anyway, Psyche, he really doesn’t have an answer to that. You seem to have, um, exceeded his mental capacity at the moment,” Daring grinned. If Bedlam got confused, may he would leave her alone.
Don’t count on it.
“Oh come on. Can’t you cut me some slack?”
Psyche grinned. “Talking to me or him?”
“I don’t care! Let’s just get to Mental’s!” Daring shrieked. “It seems like you and my subconscious are teaming up to get the better of me! Why is everypony out to get me?”
I don’t know. All I know is that Ahuizotl and a few others were out to get you, but I don’t know why.
“How can you not know why they are out to get me? You are a subconscious for crying out loud!”
Exactly. A subconscious has low brain power.
“You are contradicting yourself more and more. First you say that you don’t have high brain power, and then you say you do. Next you seem to be able to fit sheep in my brain. What’s next, the ability to predict the future?”
Maybe.
“Argh. Psyche, can we hurry up towards Mental’s? Bedlam is driving me nuts.”
Psyche nodded. “Sure. He’s just down this path.” The duo, or trio, or is it quartet, nah, that’s four… anyway, the trio walked down the path a brisk pace.
Just you wait. When we get there, we’re going to have some fun.
“Great. Bedlam thinks he can predict the future,” Daring grumbled. To her surprise, when they arrived at Mental’s, it seemed that Bedlam had been… Correct.
Told you.
Psyche gasped in horror. “Who would trash Mental’s house?” And trashed it was. Several windows were broken, and the door was hanging loosely.
Daring walked up to a note pinned to the door. “Um, Psyche, I don’t think anyone trashed it. Look here.” She handed the note Psyche.
Psyche looked down it quickly, reading in her fear. “This is Mental’s… If you want to speak with me, I’m out… Busy in the Everfree with an evil plan to take over Equestria… Psyche; if you’re hungry, there are some oats in the pantry. Mental’s trying to take over Equestria? Why? How, and most importantly, where are those oats?”
Daring knocked on the library door. She knew that she would probably be annoyed to her wits end for knocking on this door, but she figured that if an evil psychiatrist was trying to take over Equestria, then she would need all the help she could get, even if that help came in the form of creepy fan girls.
Twilight answered the door. “Hi. Did the trip to the psychiatrist go well?”
Yes it did.
“It didn’t. He wasn’t there, and when I went to his house, it was trashed and he had left a note on the door saying he was busy with an evil plan to take over Equestria.”
“Hm. That could be a problem. What do you want me to do about it?”
“Well, since last time you guys helped me out, I was hoping you could help me. I have no idea what Mental is planning, so I figured back up would be helpful.” Daring hoped that she would say no. They were probably the best option, but she figured that others might follow orders a lot more easily.
“Sure, we’ll help.” Daring sighed. Of course they would help. They were the helping type. “Just give me a moment. Pinkie should be here in about… three seconds.”
“Hi! Where are we going? I heard that you and Daring wanted the others so that we could go fight and evil psychiatrist named Mental. Should I get Rainbow Dash?”
Ah. A pony after my own heart. Pinkie Pie, the pony of mystery.
“How is Pinkie Pie the pony of mystery?”
“I don’t know. I just act this way. My Pinkie Sense told me that something big was going to happen.”
“Then how did you know I needed your help to stop an evil psychiatrist?”
Pinkie shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just being Pinkie Pie.”
Told you she was a pony of mystery. She doesn’t even know. But I know for a fact that I don’t know. I also know that she can travel fast, break the fourth wall, and many other strange things.
“Brief question Twilight. What is the fourth wall?” Daring asked. Bedlam wasn’t making any sense, so maybe she could help.
Twilight shrugged. “Something to do with acting. But do you want me to define the fourth wall or gather my friends to help you defeat an evil psychiatrist who is named Mental? I think we only have time for one?”
Daring thought about that for a moment before answering. “How about we go defeat Mental, and then you can tell me about the fourth wall? That seems to be a bit more promising.”
Pinkie shrugged. “Okie-dokey-lokey. I’ll go get the others, and you can go get ready. See you.” And with that, the pink pony bounced down the path towards where the others were, moving at a surprisingly fast pace.
Psyche had been surprised to find out that A. K. Yearling were one and the same, as Daring had thrown off her disguise, but she had taken in quite well, much better than Rainbow Dash had. Psyche had simply asked a few questions, and then there had been a quick moment when her heart stopped and Bedlam said that they would need a defibrillator, but that had been it, and she was doing quite fine at the moment.
Rainbow had been ecstatic over the fact that they were going on a new adventure, but had felt slightly upset when she had found out that they were fighting Mental, the town psychiatrist, and not Ahuizotl. “Come on, couldn’t you just invite Ahuizotl to work with Mental? It would be a lot more exciting.” Those were the words that Rainbow had uttered, and had earned her several scowls from her friends, but a cheer from Bedlam.
The eight of them, nine if you counted Bedlam, were currently in the middle of the forest searching for Mental. Mental had given very clear directions for finding his secret lair, making their job a whole lot easier.
“So, according to the note, we have to turn right at the big tree that looks like a what-cha-ma-call-it,” Rarity read. “Then, turn left at the really steep cliff. After that, walk forward until you bump your head into a massive temple. This is ridiculous darling. What kind of villain gives directions to his secret lair?”
Pinkie jumped up and down. “Ooh, I know! One who wants us to be there so he can throw us a party.”
Daring sighed. “I really don’t think he wants to throw us a party.”
Pinkie gasped. “B-b-but… who wouldn’t want to throw me a party?” The pink pony actually looked close to tears. Apparently the thought of somepony not throwing a party for Pinkie Pie was horrendous.
“Aw, don’t be sad darling. He’s a villain. He doesn’t like parties,” Rarity said, trying to comfort her friend.
“But, everypony likes a party,” Pinkie sniffled.
Daring sighed again. “Pinkie, if you want, you and Rarity can go back to Ponyville to wait. We understand if you don’t want to face a pony who dislikes parties.”
Aw, but I was hoping she would come to fight the evil psychiatrist.
Pinkie shook her head. “No. I am going to throw this evil-big-party-hating-meanie-pants a party, and then he will like parties. I am not going back.” She stood up straight, or as straight as she could, and marched forward, actually disregarding her normal means of bouncing.
Wow. The idea that someone would dislike parties really made her mad.
“Um, okay. Pinkie, when we get there, we can throw him a party, but right now let’s find his base.” The group proceeded to travel, finding the tree shaped like a what-cha-ma-call-it, which was shaped like a manticore, and the really steep cliff, which was really steep, and then they bumped into a massive temple, just like the note said.
“Wow. That note was a lot more helpful than I thought it would be,” Psyche commented. “I thought it would be hidden, but then again, this is Mental we are talking about.” She proceeded to head to the door, which had a massive ‘knock here to enter’ door knocker. She knocked once, and nothing seemed to happen.
Then, with a loud boom, an echo-y voice began to speak. “Fear me, little ponies, for we are your doom!” The eight ponies jumped in surprise, and Fluttershy leapt into the top of a tree.
“Wait a minute. We are their doom?” The second voice spoke up. It was nowhere near as intimidating as the first, and was definitely masculine. “Come on Riddle, isn’t that a bit rich? I mean sure, we are a group of deadly monsters, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say that we are their doom.”
“Dissonance, why are you using the super-speak? I thought that that was my job.” This time, the voice was a lot more annoyed than intimidating, and it was easily identifiable as female. “You are in charge of the technical things, I was in charge of scaring everyone, and Mental is in charge of the overall plan. You’re ruining my whole plan.”
Twilight sighed. “Don’t tell me, you’re Trixie, Discord and Mental up to mischief, correct?” She seemed smug that her guess would be correct.
Wait a minute, did she say Dissonance? Bedlam spoke up in Daring’s head. He seemed both surprised and amused at this, but before she could ask him more, Riddle was talking again.
“Wait, who’s Trixie? No matter. Dissonance let me show you how you scare intruders.”
“But booming voice, your buddy Mental left clear directions on how to get to your secret headquarters,” Psyche interjected. “It clearly said that we take a right at the tree shaped like a what-cha-ma-call-it and a left at the cliff, and then walk until we arrived here. That was very helpful.”
“Great. Riddle, you take care of them, I’ll go see Mental. See you.” The second voice stated, and then they heard a sort of echoed clumping, as if something heavy was walking on stone. Then the first voice started again.
“Sorry about Dissonance. Anyway, fear me little ponies! For I am the harbinger of your destruction! I am Riddle, the most feared being in all of Equestria! I am your doom! For I am, the Sphinx!”
A silence followed this, with several crickets heard chirping in the background. “Um, what’s a Sphinx?” Daring asked.
“What?! You have not heard of my might? I am the most feared being in all the land! Defeater of librarians, conqueror of philosophers. How can you not know of me? Riddle, the one who spread terror into the hearts of the Princesses themselves?”
“Sorry,” said Fluttershy in a whisper. “But none of us have ever heard of a sphinx. Please don’t be mad.”
“How dare you! I am going to show me my might! One second please. Dissonance, please open the door. I want to give them a riddle.” A vague voice was heard shouting, and then the massive door creaked open.
Out stepped a creature not unlike a manticore. It had a lion’s body, a pair of eagle wings, a scaly tail, and a head similar to that of a griffin. Fluttershy squeaked with fright, and hid behind Rainbow Dash. “Mwah haha. See? I strike terror into your hearts.” The voice was similar to that they had heard earlier, but a lot lighter.
Twilight shook her head. “But, you’re not scientifically possible.”
Riddle turned her head towards Twilight. “You have no idea how often I get that. Anyway, here’s the drill: I tell you a riddle, and if you get it right, you can pass. I you get it wrong, I get to punish you. So, who wants to play?”
Daring stepped forward. “I will.”
Riddle grinned. “Goodie. Here you go: What walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three in the evening?”
Daring thought about it. What fit those categories? Tap-dancing conga tarantulas! Beldam shouted in her head. Daring discarded the idea. There were no such thing. Then it hit her!
“Riddle, the answer to your riddle, is a pony who tried to fly. She walked on four until noon, when she flapped her front two legs to fly, while the other two stayed on the ground, and then she fell and sprained one, and walked on three for the rest of the day.”
Riddle sneered. “Wrong. The answer was tap-dancing conga tarantulas. Now, for you punishment… bring on the tap-dancing conga tarantulas!” Dozens of spiders holding little canes paraded out of the temple. They started dancing a conga line while spinning their canes and tapping their hairy feet.
Daring stared. “What’s our punishment?”
Riddle shrugged. “Watching them do their whole routine. It’s the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. You have to watch, and then you can try again.”
Told you that the answer was tap-dancing conga tarantulas. Daring sighed, and laid her back against the forest grass. This was going to be the strangest adventure and vacation she had ever been on.
Author's Note
This chapter was fun to write. The idea of a sphinx with a riddle that made no sense was stuck in my head. I hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I did writing it.
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The Not-So-Ultimate Showdown that Lasts About One Minute
“Ah, that was good ice cream. Vanilla gets me every time,” Dissonance remarked as he licked his eagle claw. “Not one single sweet tastes better.”
I beg to differ. Cotton candy tastes far better.
“Wrong, my subconscious-y friend. Cotton candy is simply woven sugar with a little dye added. Therefore, it is not a sweet, but simply sugar. Ice cream is made from cream, ice, sugar and a little salt. Therefore, it is a sweet.”
“Quick question before we fight. Dissonance, how come you can hear what my subconscious is saying?”
Dissonance shrugged. “Random draconequus powers.”
That’s true. I would know.
“How would you know?”
Riddle sighed. “Can we stop chitchatting with subconscious’s and get down to the showdown? I like ice cream as much as the next sphinx, but I would like to get this out of the way. This is the room in which the tap-dancing conga tarantulas practice. I don’t want to watch their routine again.”
Dissonance grinned. “When you say you like it as much as the next sphinx doesn’t that mean you don’t like it?”
“Get rid of your stereotype image of sphinxes. We like ice cream,” Riddle growled at her friend. “Now, let’s get rid of our enemies so that we can take over Equestria.”
Dissonance nodded. He flipped through the book his book until he found the page he was looking for. “Okay. Should I go to chapter seventeen: theme music? Wait, why would a villain have a theme song?”
Mental shrugged. “I have no idea. But apparently villains have theme music. Does that book have an author biography in the back?”
Dissonance flipped to the back of the book and began reading. “Barely Competent has written over five different guides to villains. He has excellent experience on how to fail, and therefore has put that in as examples of what not to do. He has never succeeded in an evil plot to take over the world, but he hopes to do so before he kicks the bucket. That’s it Mental, I’m not reading this.” The draconequus tossed the book over his shoulder.
Twilight sighed. “Can we just fight? This is getting ridiculous.”
Pinkie nodded. “Even though you like parties, we’re taking you down.”
Riddle snarled. “Prepare to lose.”
“Yeah!” Dissonance and Mental leapt into position, and ended up landing on top of each other. “Mental! I thought you were supposed to get the right side.”
“Oh. I thought you said flight. That makes a lot more sense now that I realize that you said right, not flight. After all, I’m an earth pony, not a pegasus.”
“Every pony I seem to meet in this town is crazy,” Daring muttered under her breath.
Tell me about. Spent a few days in this town once. They kept thinking I was making the glasses act rudely to them on purpose.
“And were you?”
I was, but they should have trusted me.
“Wait a minute… Aren’t you-” Her train of thought was interrupted by Pinkie Pie throwing a cupcake at Dissonance, who caught it and ate it.
“Thanks for the cake, Pinkie,” the draconequus said, his mouth stuffed with cupcake. “Now we’ll proceed to take over Equestria.”
“No, you won’t,” Pinkie stated.
“Yes, we will.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, we will.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, we are.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No, we aren’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No, we are not,” Dissonance growled, holding Pinkie up by her hair. “We are not going to take over Equestria, and that is final. Come on guys.” The draconequus whipped around and started to walk away, when Riddle grabbed him.
“Dissonance, it’s like that ridiculous joke where you write ‘How do you keep a fool busy? Turn over for the answer,’ both upside down and right side up and hand it to them.”
“You mean like this?” The draconequus snapped his fingers and a little plaque like the one Riddle had described in his hands. “Huh. That’s silly.” The Draconequus flipped it over, and then flipped it over again, and again, and again.
Mental sighed. “Riddle, let’s deal we these intruders, and then we can show Dissonance how to figure out that plaque.” The psychiatrist whipped out a spear, which Riddle regarded suspiciously.
“How did you fit a spear into your saddlebag?”
“I don’t know. I saw Pinkie Pie once do the trick, so I thought ‘why can’t I do it?’ Apparently I can.” The psychiatrist tried to spin it, and ended up dropping it.
“Give me that.” Riddle snatched up the spear, tried spinning it, and dropped it like her friend. “We really need to work on our baton skills.”
Dissonance, who was still spinning the plaque in an attempt to figure out how to keep a fool busy, kept spinning it at faster and faster speeds, until Mental knocked the plaque out of his hands. “Drop that thing! Take this spear and use it.” He handed Dissonance the spear, who began spinning it a lot faster than was safe. He then threw it at a target up on the ceiling, which it stuck fast to. “Dissonance, you were supposed to use it on the ponies.”
“Oh. You should have specified that. Why would we use it on the ponies?”
“To keep them at bay?” Mental sounded exasperated at his friend, to say the least. “You know, to stop them from ruining our plans?”
“That’s what we’re doing. But before we fight, could you tell me how to keep a fool busy? I never saw the answer.”
“Argh. Dissonance, that was a stupid prank that fillies play on one another if they think their friend is dumb. I was simply saying that what Pinkie did was a way to trick you, not for you to try and figure out how to keep a fool busy,” Riddle tried to explain. “You never really find out.”
“I will never find out how to keep a fool busy? That’s not fair,” Dissonance said, sounding almost whiney.
“Look, once we beat them, I’ll help you figure out how to keep a fool busy. Fair?” Dissonance nodded, and the trio of villains got into some sort of positioning.
“Like it?” Mental asked. “It’s our villain posing. It was the one thing we had ready, aside from tap-dancing minions and headquarters.”
I’ll be here in a second. That will take them down a notch.
“What did Bedlam just say about being here in a second? Is he coming with his form? He has fifteen minutes till he owes a fine.”
Strike that. I’ll just fill out that form, and then I’ll be here.
“Okay. Hurry up Bedlam. I need that form.”
How do you spell Spirit of Chaos?
“Wait… What was that? Don’t come here Bedlam. We’re fine. No form required.”
Too late. Daring heard a snapping of fingers in her head, and a flash of light illuminated the chamber. When she was able to see again, she saw Discord standing in front of the trio of not-so-terrible villains, holding out a form.
“Here’s you form Dissonance.” The draconequus handed the smaller one a sheet of paper that Dissonance took.
“Seems all is in order. You still owe me a fine for not filling this out when you became a substitute subconscious to begin with,” Dissonance stated. “It’s something like three bits, nothing big. Could you please stand aside? We need to defeat them.”
“Sorry Dissonance, but I’m on their side.” Discord grinned at the Draconequus. “I’m reformed, remember?”
“Oh yeah… Forgot about that. Um, can you please wait to fight us? We had a whole plan to defeat intruders. Or at least Riddle was supposed to make one.”
Riddle grimaced. “I don’t actually have a plan. Do we surrender?”
Mental shrugged. “I don’t know. I think we should have thought this plan through a bit more.”
Daring interrupted them to speak to Discord. “Wait a minute, you’re Bedlam? That makes a lot more sense than it sounds, but why would you do it?”
“Oh, I was bored. I was sitting in my tree, thinking. Celestia wanted me to use my magic for good, and helping you with your vacation was the best thing I could think of. That and I only promised to use my magic for good ‘most of the time.’ So I thought I could use a little chaos.”
Mental broke in. “Wait… What’s going to happen to the three of us?”
“I don’t know. We could take you to Celestia, but that would be more of a nuisance to her. We can’t turn you to stone because the Elements were returned to the tree, so I don’t know,” Twilight said. “But if we could, I probably wouldn’t.”
“Wait a minute… I have an idea,” Discord said, grinning.
“Great. Of all the possible punishments, this is by far the worst.” Dissonance, Mental and Riddle were strapped into chairs, while the tap-dancing conga tarantulas danced in front of them. “I’m pretty sure this is breaking some civil right.”
Riddle nodded. “I agree with you. How long do we have to watch them dance?”
Twilight shrugged. “Until they feel like that you don’t have to watch them dance any more. Once they finish performing to you those straps will let you go, and then you can go back to your home or wherever you live as long as you stay out of mischief. Next time you cause mischief, we’ll simply strap you into those chair for several days and let the tarantulas dance for you until you wish you hadn’t done this.”
“I wish we hadn’t done this already,” Mental muttered. “Can’t we have a lighter punishment?”
Daring shook her head. “No. You’re staying here, and we are leaving. We’ll possibly check up on you later. Hopefully after I’ve finished my vacation.”
As the nine heroes left the temple, Discord included, they heard Dissonance scream, “Why do you have to dance to the tune of a little glass of water? Why?”
Author's Note
This chapter was lots of fun to write. Daring Do's Vacation is almost over, both the story and the vacation in the story. Hope you enjoy this chapter.
Of packing, writing and backgammon
Daring sighed. Her vacation was over. She had spent the rest of it seeing the other members of Ponyville, albeit in her disguise, and talking with Discord, Psyche and the rest of those who had helped her defeat Mental, Dissonance and Riddle.
She was at the train station. She had packed with the help of Discord, who had been forced to do so thanks to that law Dissonance had written about substitute subconscious’s. “I don’t want to help you pack,” he had stated.
“Discord, read Dissonance’s law.” Discord had done so, and had found that if you didn’t pay the fine you had to serve community service to the one you had been a substitute subconscious to.
“Fine, but I don’t expect me to match your socks.” The pair had packed everything neatly, with only one sock having the words ‘Discord Rules, Daring Drools’ written on them. Discord had whistled when she had asked him about it, and she had let it slide.
Psyche had taken over as head psychiatrist in Ponyville, as Mental hadn’t returned from the temple, making her suspect that the tarantulas were doing their job. Twilight had had Celestia send her all of the laws, and she had been getting rid of the ones that Dissonance had contaminated in her spare time.
Daring smiled at the recollection. This vacation had turned out all right. Despite Discord’s attempts to ruin it, it had been fun. She sighed. She would miss her friends. “Bye. I’ll miss you,” she said, giving them each a hug in turn.
Discord held up a massive number one glove. “You’ll always be my hero… Until someone more chaotic comes around.” Daring nodded. “Oh, don’t forget to write Daring Do and the Quest to Outwit Her Subconscious. Do it for me, please?”
Daring shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.” Discord grinned and stepped back. Daring said her final goodbyes and stepped onto the train. Well, her vacation was over. Time to go fight Ahuizotl or something.
When she got back to her cottage she was surprised to see that it wasn’t trashed. Usually it was trashed by some bandit trying to steal some treasure. But then again, it wasn’t that surprising. She hadn’t hunted for any treasure recently, so no one was going to trash it.
She walked in to see that everything was exactly as it was left. Her pantry was slightly ajar, but that was mainly because she had forgotten to close it when she had left. She walked up to her room to think.
She was halfway through thinking about what she could do to pass the time until Ahuizotl tried something crazy when a knock sounded on the door. She answered it to see Ahuizotl standing in front of her carrying a suitcase and wearing a large hat. “Daring Do, I have a proposition for you. I decided that I needed a vacation. I’m going for a week to visit my relatives in Trottingham, and I need someone to check my mail. Dr. Caballeron is watching my cats, so all I need you to do is check my mail. I know we’re enemies, but could you help me out?”
Daring gaped for minute before she spoke. “You have mail?”
Ahuizotl nodded. “I do. I have subscriptions with many different magazines. I don’t want my issues to get blown away by a storm or something. Could you check my mail? It comes around three.”
“Um… Sure. But, aren’t you going to try and trap me in a chamber filled with spikes or something first?”
“Nah. I’m taking a vacation from that. I got bored of fighting you, so I thought I could go somewhere for a week to give you a break. Would that be okay?”
Daring found herself nodding. “Of course. Have a nice vacation.” Ahuizotl gave her a thankful glance and walked away. “Well… That was odd.”
I agree.
“Discord?”
No. Discord was just filling in for me while I took a vacation. When you said you wanted a vacation, I left and Discord filled in for me.
“Wonderful.”
I agree.
“So, what are we going to do?”
You could always write a book.
“Okay.” She pulled up her typewrite and began to write. “'I need a vacation,’ Daring said to herself…'”
“So, what do you want to do?”
“After watching those tarantulas for hours, anything sounds good.”
“How about cards?”
“Dissonance, you know Riddle and I don’t play anything card related.”
“Fine. How about Backgammon?”
“Dissonance, Backgammon is two players. That would mean that you and I would play, but Mental would be left out.”
“Not when you play Backgammon with a Draconequus. That way is for three players.”
“Fine. We’ll play.”
“Goodie. Now then, when playing three player Backgammon…”
“Wait, aren’t those the tarantulas?”
“Argh. You’re right!”
“Run!”
“Save yourself!”
“Why are they dancing to a Wonderbolt Rap?”
Author's Note
Well, that's a rap (no pun intended). This chapter was slightly shorter than the others mainly because it was sort of an epilogue. I thank all of you who have read this story at some point, all of you who have favorited it at some point, and all of you who have thumbs upped it at some point (I think that's everyone who's going to read this at one time or another). I enjoyed writing this, as well as making my debut on Fimfiction with it. I hope that you liked reading it as much as I did writing it. See you next time, Smaug the Golden.
Dissonance the Draconequus
“Alright, the tarantulas have finished their routine,” said Riddle. The eight ponies, by now bored out of their minds, sighed and got back up as the tarantulas paraded back into the temple. “Yes, yes, great routine. Keep practicing it,” she said to the tarantulas as they passed.
“So,” Daring said after the tarantulas were all gone, “you said we could try again after the routine was over?”
Riddle nodded. “Oh sure. I’m surprised you want to try again. Most ponies leave after having to watch that routine once. No matter. Who wants to try again?”
Daring stepped forward. “I will try again. Although I would hate to watch that routine again. It was what, six hours?”
Riddle shrugged. “Six hours, fifteen minutes. It seems to get longer every time. Last time it was six hours, the time before five hours… Yeah, I need to ask them to make a shorter routine. Anyway, here’s your riddle: what walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three in the evening?”
This riddle again?
Daring smiled. “Tap-dancing conga tarantulas. Don’t you have any other riddles?”
Riddle looked a little crestfallen. “Um, no. And that was the wrong answer. This is my only riddle. The answer was a pony who tried to fly. Unfortunately, I have zero ponies who are trying to fly at the moment, so we have to watch the tap-dancing conga tarantula routine again.”
Daring lunged at the sphinx. “Last time you said the answer was tap-dancing conga tarantulas! You can’t change the answer!” The sphinx jumped backwards in an attempt to avoid the pegasus.
“Alright! You can pass! I just wanted to change the answer so that you could guess it! I don’t like watching that dance routine more than once a week. Head into the temple if you want, but I’m out of here!” Then the sphinx bolted into the temple as fast as her paws would carry her.
“So, that didn’t go according to plan. Say, adventurers, couldn’t you cut my co-worker some slack? She had a rough day, and nopony likes watching that routine," Dissonance’s voice rang out. Apparently he was using Riddle’s ‘super-speak.’
“Hey, she was the one who gave us the riddle?” Twilight pointed out, sounding a little irritated. “It was her decision to make us watch that routine, not ours.”
“So? You’re the ones who came here to cause mischief, although I admit that Mental did give pretty clear directions.”
“That’s true. By the way, let me in so I can throw you a party!” Pinkie screamed at the voice. “Nopony goes around disliking parties on Pinkie Pie’s watch!”
“Who on earth said we didn’t like parties? Mental! Why on earth are you telling everyone we dislike parties?!” The voice addressed the last bit to someone inside the temple, whose voice was barely heard to say something about piñatas being creatures of evil.
“Sorry about that. Say, do you have Mental’s note with you? Could you please flip it over? Mental keeps saying that he didn’t forget to get anything at the grocery store and I say he did forget something, and he wrote the note on my grocery list. Can you check if anything isn’t crossed out?”
“Okay,” Rarity said, a bit tentatively. “Let’s see, that’s crossed out… oh, this isn’t crossed out. Why in the wide world of Equestria would you have the Alicorn Amulet on your grocery list?”
“Ha! Told you that you forgot something Mental! Oh, feel free to come on in little ponies. Riddle lost the riddle contest by forfeit, so the laws of riddle games declare that you are allowed to enter our establishment. Wish I had put a different loophole in there when I wrote those laws.”
“Um, okay. Wait, you write laws?” Twilight questioned the voice. “Why do your write laws?”
“It’s a hobby of mine. Did you know that if you read the laws concerning filly labor, is says nothing about new born foals? One of my finest works.”
Wow. That is an accomplishment.
“I know! By the way Daring, could you tell Bedlam that the laws concerning being a substitute subconscious say that you need to file a form? Otherwise he owes a fine.”
What? How dare he? Being a subconscious is a perfectly respectable business.
“Wait a minute. Bedlam is a substitute subconscious? And second, how can you charge subconscious’s fines?” Daring asked.
“I’m a creature of chaos, I do as I please. Anyway, do you want to come in or not? Otherwise, according to segment 8B of the breaking and entering rules, you will no longer be allowed to enter. Take your pick. Actually, wait a moment. Mental just gave me the directions to our lair.
“First, walk down the hall. Then take a left at the fork. Then, stand on the big X. Wait… Mental, for how long have we had a trapdoor in the middle of the hallway? I didn’t know we had that. Also, why do you want me to pull it when the ponies are walking on it? Oh. Sorry. Anyway, ponies, take a left.”
“Um, no. I think we’ll take a right.” The group walked down the hall, and took a right. They followed the path, which was really curvy, until they found a large chamber. Once they were inside, they heard a trio of voices talking.
“Wait, don’t take a right! Stand on the large X. Oh, come on, they left. Mental, you could have told me that I shouldn’t read the last bit about pulling it out loud. Riddle, sorry about using you super-speak.” The voice was easily identifiable as Dissonance, but it was not echoing.
“You only had to get them to stand on one little red X. How hard can it be?” The new voice, who was probably Mental, was sounding annoyed to say the least. “You messed that up. It was easy as pie! How hard could it possibly?”
“Eh. But pie does sound good.” A snapping of fingers was heard, and then they heard somepony munching on something that was probably pie. “You know, what was our plan again?”
“Yeah. What is the plan Mental?” This time the speaker was definitely Riddle. “We know that it has to do with taking over Equestria, but what is the rest of the plan? You know, steps one through fifteen?”
“Relax. All we have to do is figure out step one, and then the rest of the plan is in the bag.”
“You don’t have a plan, do you?” Dissonance’s voice didn’t sound angry, it sounded interested. “So in other words, we just have to brainstorm, and then we can take over Equestria? Sounds good.”
Twilight’s eyes widened and she looked like she was trying to avoid laughing. But Pinkie wasn’t in the mood for fun and games. The pony strode into the chamber and proclaimed, “I am Pinkie Pie, and I am here to brighten up your day!”
Daring sighed, and rushed in after the pony, with Psyche and the others following close behind. Charge! Bedlam’s voice screamed in Daring’s head. The subconscious, or substitute, or whatever he was, seemed excited.
“Oops. We forgot to set up, didn’t?” The voice of Dissonance sounded out again, and it was pretty easy to identify who he was. A small draconequus, no bigger than Princess Luna, holding a plate with a slice of pie in his eagle claw. “Sorry about that.” He snapped his lion paw, and balloons, streamers and other party materials suddenly adorned the chamber.
Riddle grimaced. “I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to turn the meeting chamber into party central.”
Dissonance shrugged. “But Pinkie Pie got the wrong impression thanks to Mental and her friends. I wanted to set the record straight. We do like parties. That, and I really have nothing better to do at the moment.”
The gray pony standing between the sphinx and Draconequus smirked. “You are just here in time to witness the unveiling of our masterful plan.”
“Um, Mental, we heard you say that you didn’t have a plan,” Psyche said. She didn’t seem at all surprised to see her former employer here trying to take over the world.
Mental muttered something under his breath and bolted for a big book on the shelf in one corner of the room. He pulled it down, and came back with it, then handed it to Dissonance. Dissonance opened it up and began reading. “The villains guide to creating an evil scheme to take over the world, by Barely Competent. Really? Eh. I’ll read it, but I blame you if this book is boring.” The creature summoned up a lounge chair and sat down in it.
Riddle snarled. “Prepare to be defeated, group of assorted heroes. Ugh. Do you have a superhero team name or something I can call you? Group of assorted heroes is too long. Anyway, we shall defeat you! Mental, bring on the secret weapon.”
Dissonance looked up from his book at that remark. “We have a secret weapon?”
They do?
“We do?” Mental sounded as confused as Dissonance and Bedlam. “Since when have we had a secret weapon?”
Riddle gaped. “I thought you had a secret weapon. That’s number one rule for being a villain. Have a secret weapon.”
“Oh. We were supposed to have a secret weapon?” Dissonance asked. “Maybe I should read chapter seven, building an adequate secret weapon that has only a fifty percent chance of breaking. That doesn’t sound so good. Mental, where did you get this ridiculous book?”
Mental shrugged. “Garage sale. A pair of unicorns offered it to me for five bits. I took it. Maybe I shouldn’t have.”
Daring sighed. “Can we please just get to the part where we all battle and you get defeated?”
Aw. I don’t want to do that part.
Dissonance nodded. “I agree with Bedlam. Let’s take a quick ice cream break, and then we can fight. All in favor, say aye!” A chorus of ayes resounded, with only Twilight, Daring and Mental saying nay.
Author's Note
This chapter was random and fun to write. Dissonance was also fun to write. I was occasional bothered by the lack of draconequi, when they had even given the species a name, so I invented quite a few in my spare time. Dissonance is my favorite yet. Riddle, Mental and Dissonance were created in such a way that they think they're scary, but really aren't. Dissonance's fascination with loopholes and laws randomly popped into my head. That loophole concerning filly labor came to me one evening by chance. Enjoy this chapter.
