THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, I WROTE THIS CHAPTER TO EXPLAIN THIS STORY, FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF EXPLAINING THIS STORY
The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future Ends Up in Carousel Boutique
and Tells Rarity the Story of How Hearth's Warming Eve Came to Be, During Summer
by Awesomedude17
Rarity was working on a new design for an anonymous commissioner, and was now stuck.
"Oh, what accent should I use, Lime Green? Blood Orange? Silver? Oh, I wish I had a clue.
"PERHAPS I CAN HELP!!!
Rarity turned to see a mechanical creature. It had a beak-like tube, yellow eyes, a mohawk, a scissor claw, and a metal, digited claw. It was silver all over, and apparently, very loud.
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
"I AM THE CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST FROM THE FUTURE, AND I HAVE GONE BACK AND FORWARD THROUGH TIME TO TEACH YOU..." The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From The Future pointed at Rarity "...ABOUT THE STORY OF HOW HEARTH'S WARMING EVE CAME TO BE!!!"
"... What?"
"THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO IN THE PAST OF THE FUTURE, RIGHT BEFORE THE FACT THAT IN THE HUMAN WORLD, A HUMAN ACTRESS NAMED KRISTEN STEWART WOULD BECOME THE LEAD ROLE FOR A SERIES OF MOVIES BASED ON TRASHY VAMPIRE ROMANCE NOVELS ABOUT AN ABUSIVE VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND AND HIS INTEREST, WHOM WAS EQUALLY TRASHY AND STUPID, THERE WAS A SERIES OF...
"I'm sorry, what about these... humans?"
"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE?"
"I'm sorry, but... I already know about the story of Hearth's Warming Eve, and besides, it's July." Rarity said, matter-of-fact.
"OH!" The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future suddenly quieted up, looking around, right before he raise his metal claw.
"IT DOES NOT MATTER, FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, THERE WAS A SERIES OF CHAOTIC EVENTS THAT LED TO THE CREATIONS OF WINDIGOS, WHOM WERE THEN, QUITE SHORTLY IN FACT, DEEMED TOO VIOLENT TO BE OF ANY VIABLE CHOICE AS A FORM OF CHAOS, DUE TO FREEZING PONIES LIKE YOU TO DEATH BY SMOTHERING THEM IN ICE, WHICH IS A FORM OF ORDER BECAUSE THEY STAY STILL FOR THE REST OF TIME, AND THUS, ARE ORDERLY!!! THE PONIES BEGAN TO BLAME ANYONE WHO WASN'T THEIR OWN TYPE OF PONY FOR THE DEATHS CAUSED BY THESE CREATURES OF EVIL, WITH THE PEGASI BEING THE MOST RACIST AND ANNOYING OF THE THREE GROUPS!!! THE LEADER OF THE EARTH PONIES HAD ALSO BEEN GUZZLING MERCURY TO RELIEVE HIS MASSIVELY INFLATED CONSTIPATION, GOING INSANE IN THE PROCESS, AND BECOMING INSANE AS WELL, ON TOP OF HIS INSANITY MAKING HIM INSANE IN A WORLD OF INSANITY, AND THE UNICORNS HAVE ALSO BECOME EXTREMELY PRISSY AND PRIM, THINKING THAT THEY ARE THE NEXT BIG THING!!! AND SO THEY SENT THEIR LEADERS AND ANOTHER SET OF PONIES WHO WANTED TO TAKE THESE PONY LEADERS AND THROW THEM OFF A NEARBY CLIFF AND START AN ELABORATE ORGY IN CELEBRATION, WENT WITH THEM BECAUSE PONIES TOLD THEM TO, BUT WERE NEARLY KILLED BY RADIOACTIVE LIONS, CREATED BY CANADIANS FROM QUEBEC WHO DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL THROUGH THE EXTREMELY ELABORATE AND CONFUSING USE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND BEAR SEMEN, BUT WERE HELD OFF BY THE FACT THAT THESE PONIES WERE ALSO EXTREMELY HORNY AND BEGUN AN EXTREMELY ELABORATE ORGY THAT ENDED UP WITH THE MEN BECOMING PONIES THEMSELVES AND THUS, SETTING THEIR GENES INTO THE LEADERS TO CREATE TWO ALICORN PONIES, WHO WOULD TAKE OVER THE ROLE OF CONTROLLING THE CELESTIAL CYCLES THROUGH THE USE OF NANOBOTS THAT HAD BEEN HIDDEN IN UNICORN BLOOD FOR EONS, AND THE LEADERS HAD ALSO CAUGHT STDS, AND DIED OF SYPHILLIS, ONE BY ONE!!! THE COLONIES WHOM SENT AWAY THESE PONIES WOULD SOON DISCOVER WHAT EQUESTRIA IS, AND THEN CHANGE THIS PLACE TO A NEW NAME, AND TAKE THE NEARBY MEADOW OF FUN TIMES AND ENJOYMENT INTO NEW EQUESTRIA, RIGHT BEFORE RENAMING IT TO JUST EQUESTRIA, BECAUSE OLD EQUESTRIA NO LONGER EXISTED, AND TOOK THE ALICORNS AS THEIR LEADERS, BECAUSE THEY WERE THEIR OWN SPECIES WRAPPED INTO A TRIPLE WHAMMY OF AWESOME POWER AND IMMORTALITY, AND THUS THE CREATION OF EQUESTRIA HAD BEEN DONE, AND THE DESEGREGATION OF APARTHEID BEGAN, LEAVING THEIR OLD WORLD BEHIND!!! BUT UNDERNEATH THIS WORLD, THERE LIED A GREAT AND TERRIBLE SECRET THAT WOULD END UP RUINING THE WORLD, FOR NAZIS HAVE INVADED THIS LAND, AND SECRETLY CREATED NAZI ZOMBIES, WHO THEN ATE THEIR MASTERS, AND DIED OFF FROM DECAY SHORTLY AFTER DUE TO HUMIDITY AND BOREDOM!!! SO THE CANADIANS SOON FOUND THEIR OWN WAY BACK INTO EQUESTRIA, BUT WERE TRANSMUTED INTO MINDLESS GORILLAS, WHO PROCEEDED TO DEFECATE ALL OVER THE CITY OF CANTERLOT, AND HAD BECOME ZOO ANIMALS, NEVER TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, WHICH WAS WHEN WORLD WAR TWO STARTED AND THE NAZIS CAME BACK, ONLY TO RENOUNCE THEIR IDEOLOGIES AND THEN BECAME THOSE BRITISH VILLAINS THAT YOU SEE IN JAMES BOND FILMS, AND THEN CREATED THE GLEE CLUB, WHICH FLOPPED BADLY DUE TO LACK OF SCHOOL SUPPORT AND INTEREST, AND THUS, WERE GONE FOR ALL OF ETERNITY, UNTIL NOW!!!"
"Hmm, you say something, I was busy getting the guard over here to arrest you for breaking and entering." Rarity said as she came in with two guards.
"YOU HAVE NOT LISTENED TO MY STORY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?"
"Because, to be frank, you are loud, and you came into my home without my permission, now gentlecolts, take him away." The guards then proceeded to tackle The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future, then put hoofcuffs on the robot.
"FOOLS, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, FOR IN THREE THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW, THE PLANET SHALL BE INVADED BY ALIENS WHO LOOK LIKE BUTTS AND FART OXYGEN THROUGH THEIR MOUTHS, AND ARE ALSO REALLY AWKWARD BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO LOOKS AT THEM EITHER LAUGH OR THROW UP, SOMETIMES AT THE SAME TIME, AND THUS, THESE BUTT ALIENS HAVE BECOME HOMICIDAL, AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD POTENTIALLY STOP THEM IS...
Rarity sighed as the insanity was now over since the screeching robot was now gone.
"BEHOLD!!!"
"Oh no..." Rarity's ears and face drooped as she saw what could only be described as a robot turkey was now in her workshop.
"I AM TURKATRON FROM THE YEAR 9595!!!"
Turkatron was promptly beaten up, and tossed out the window.
Author's Note
Was bored, don't blame me.
Also, the redundant part of his rant was intentional, because it's funny.
GENTLEMEN!!! BEHOLD!!! A SURPRISE CHAPTER!!!
"GENTLEMEN, BEHOLD!!!"
Dr. Weird motioned towards a portal.
"I have created a portal to another dimension!"
"Holy crap." Steve remarked.
"Holy crap indeed! As matter of fact," A cannon was rolled in all of a sudden. "LOAD THE CRAP CANNON!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA-AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!"
"DO NOT LOAD THAT CANNON AND FIRE IT INTO THE PORTAL!!!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Steve, what the hell have I told you about bringing guests?"
"Uh, Dr. Weird, I never seen this robot before."
"I AM THE CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST FROM THE FUTURE, AND I HAVE COME BACK IN TIME TO WARN YOU THAT THROWING SHIT INTO THAT UNIVERSE WILL CREATE CHAOS BEYOND CHAOS AND..."
As The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future rambled on, Dr. Weird made a nodding motion towards Steve, who simply grabbed the screeching robot and threw him into the cannon as it spoke, right before firing him through the portal, sending the robot into the new world, Equestria.
"BOOM, SHAKA LAKA!!! HAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!"
"Yay, now what?"
"Isn't it obvi..."
The portal suddenly closed, leaving Dr. Weird to glare as Steve.
"Umm..." Steve backed away.
"Oh Steeeeve... where are you going?" Dr. Weird asked as he loaded a crossbow with a 'BLAMO!!!' brand firecracker, know to be banned in all the States of the USA, Canada, and even Mexico.
Naturally, The laboratory blew up, and the two were never heard of again until the next episode.
The End, as closure for how it happened.
