Rainbow Dash vs Peanut Butter
Celestia’s sun beat down on my face as I fluttered my eyes open. “Hmm? Hngggh.” I groaned, taking a moment to fully look over my surroundings. My vision focused on the Wonderbolts clock next to my bedside. Eleven in the morning already? Horsefeathers, missed breakfast. For the third day in a row.
I thought getting off of work for the week would be kinda nice. No need to plan out the day, no time wasted pushing clouds around when I could be being awesome or something, and absolutely no annoying alarms waking me up from my sleep. Problem was that I had been missing breakfast for the past few days.
Disregarding the thought, I lazily rolled over on my stomach. Something fell off the bed, landing with a poof on my cloud floor. I had made my clouds condensce enough to hold furniture when I built this awesome cloud mansion. Lots of ponies have been asking me why I don’t live in Twilight’s sweet new castle. While it may look cool, Rarity got mad when I started practicing my stunts in the great hall. I mean, sheesh, why does that pony care so much if I make some noise? And what is a beauty sleep anyways?
As I pulled myself out of bed, I caught a glimpse of the mystery object on the ground. Daring Do and the Rock of Destiny. Must’ve fell asleep reading or something. Oh well, that can wait until after my late breakfast. Early lunch? Brunch? Whatever, the point is that my stomach was killing me.
Not bothering to make my bed, I sleepily stumbled down my flight of cloud stairs to my kitchen. I honestly don’t know why I even have a kitchen when I can only cook a few meals. Cereal, some toast, sometimes the instant noodles don’t explode when I try to heat them up, and my personal favorite, peanut butter and zap apple jam sandwiches. I dunno why, but something about the color of those just resonates with me.
I stumbled into the kitchen, which still had a half empty soda bottle sitting on my table. Or half full, Twilight yells at me about being negative or something whenever I say half empty. She’s weird like that. Anyways, I opened my awesome cloud fridge to look for jam. Made it myself, just a bunch of fancy snow clouds to keep food chilly.
Turns out I was out of jam. Horseapples. AJ only makes Zap Apple Jam in season, and that wasn’t for another four months! However, my growling stomach was enough to convince me that maybe I didn’t need Zap Apple Jam on today’s sandwich. I’d just have to spread double the peanut butter for extra flavor!
I grabbed the brand new bottle of peanut butter out of my fridge and gave it a nice, hard twist.
Nothing happened.
I scowled and twisted the jar again.
Still, nothing happened.
I was reminded of that time I went all ego-crazy and tried to open Sparkler’s peanut butter jar. Peanut butter may have defeated me that day, but I knew darn well that I wouldn’t let history repeat itself. I had been training in the art of opening peanut butter jars since then, and now it was time for a rematch.
Knowing the secret weakness of jars, I turned on the hot water in my faucet and ran it over the jar. Feeling confident, I turned the faucet off and turned it again. Still nothing!
I gripped the jar with my mouth and twisted, but the thing didn’t even budge. Remembering Sparkler’s cool way of opening the jar, I put it back in my hooves and banged it against my counterside. Feeling confident, I tried twisting the lid again.
Obviously, peanut butter had been training as well. The cap still refused to budge, denying my grumbling stomach a meal. Nopony-- Er, no snack can stand up against the mighty Rainbow Dash and succeed. This was personal.
I banged it against my counter again, but still to no avail. Desperate times called for desperate measures, so I grabbed the jar as hard as I could and threw it at my wall. Sadly, it was only after the jar was in mid-air that I remembered what happens when a fast object hits a dense cloud.
Before I could dodge, the jar came shooting right back and hit me right in the face. I fell to the floor, dazed and confused as the jar landed next to me. The smiling pony plastered on its side seemed to be taunting me, egging me on.
Well, peanut butter. If it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you get. That’s how Rainbow Dash rolls.
Getting back on my hooves, I grabbed the peanut butter jar and set it down on my countertop. All I had to do was a simple chop, I’ve smashed plenty of things with my hooves before. Hyping myself up, I did a few quick jabs in the air. Yes, I would break this jar’s cap into tiny pieces. I wound up my hoof, chopped, and…
“AH!” I screamed, shaking my hoof. That cap must’ve been made of metal or something dumb like that! Not a single dent showed up in the cap. Hmm, peanut butter really had improved since we last did battle. Offense and defense? This would need a special kind of tactic.
I opened my door and set the jar on my cloud patio before flying up and grabbing a nearby cloud. I guess I’d just have to do this the hard way. I grit my teeth, swirling the cloud in my hooves. Stupid peanut butter. Stupid lids. Stupid food. As I worked the craft the perfect jar-busting weapon, the cloud grew heavy and grey, crackling with lightning. All I had to do now was strike.
A bolt of lightning shot through the air, striking the jar. That had to do it!
The jar was clouded in smoke. It had to be broken open now! As the smoke and ashes cleared, I pumped my hooves for an early victory. When I looked down at my prize, I saw…
An unharmed jar of peanut butter.
Ok, now this was just getting ridiculous.
I grabbed the jar in both hooves and threw it to the ground.
No, not the cloud ground. The ground ground. Like, with dirt and bushes. It plummeted to the ground fast, but I was fast enough to catch up to it! Sadly, I think my aim was off. Instead of smashing into the ground and shattering, it fell into a bush with a soft landing.
And then I may have dove headfirst into said bush.
Pulling myself out of the shrubbery, I reached over to the still perfect jar of peanut butter. I twisted once again, but it was still no use. Peanut butter was winning, and I was losing.
And I hate losing.
“Okay, who the hay do you think you are?” I yelled at the stupid looking mare on the stupid peanut butter jar. “Because if you think that you can mess with the Rainbow Dash and get away with it, you’re sadly mistaken!” I saw a stallion and a mare walking along ahead of me slowly back away with wide eyes for some reason. Must’ve seen something weird.
I picked up the jar of peanut butter, and with all of my strength, I let it fly at the tree. I could hear a loud crack, and by the time I looked up, I found the jar of peanut butter.
Without a scratch on it.
Embedded into a tree that was now filled with cracks.
As I pulled it out of the tree, I realized that I couldn’t do this solo anymore. I needed to call in some backup. The question was who could I trust to keep their mouths shut?
Sparkler? Nah, she was kinda annoyed last time she opened a jar for me.
Fluttershy? I had a feeling she didn’t have the strength to open this.
Spitfire? Not a chance. What if one of the last minute Wonderbolt tests was opening a jar of peanut butter? She would never let me on the team!
Applejack? She… Wait.
Right then, it hit me. Maybe they didn’t need to keep their mouths shut! What if I could find a pony who never spoke! It must have been my lucky day, because the red barn on the horizon broadcasted his location to me clear as day.
After all, Big Mac was an Apple. So he’s strong like Applejack, but unlike AJ he wouldn’t be teasing me about it. No, I could trust him to keep a secret. After all, he was the big brother of the element of honesty. So honesty had to run in the family or something. I hoped.
Big Mac wasn’t hard to find, bucking apples on the outskirts of the farm. I glided down to him and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Hey, Mac!” I got his attention. “Can you help me open this peanut butter jar?”
Big Mac raised an eyebrow. “Why?” He was never one to use more than a few words at once.
“Because… Reasons?” I hoped for him to believe me.
Being an Apple, of course he didn’t. They’re always so good at this lie detecting stuff. “Reasons like…?”
“Reasons like… Things!” I rubbed my hooves together.
“Things like…?” Ok, this was going to take forever. Time to just fess up.
“Things like it’s kind of tough to open, okay?” I swallowed my pride.
Big Mac narrowed his eyes. “Ah can help ya out.” He grabbed the jar from my hooves, grit his teeth…
And opened it without any effort.
He looked up at me with disbelief. “Ya had trouble with this?”
I nodded shamefully.
He shrugged. “Ah thought Applejack said you were a tough pony.”
I sighed, taking the jar from his hooves. “You won’t tell anypony about this, right?”
Big Mac pondered for a minute before answering. “Nnnnope.”
“And you especially won’t let AJ know about this, right?”
Big Mac slightly grinned. “Nnnnope.”
“Awesome!” I grabbed the open jar of peanut butter and flew off for a delicious lunch, brunch, breakfast, whatever it was.
You know, in hindsight, I really should have paid more attention to his last answer.
I should have never trusted Big Mac to keep a secret.
“Hey,” Applejack snickered. “Ah’m sure you could get Spike to write a letter to Celestia for you the next time one of those mean ‘ol jars of peanut butter gives ya trouble.”
“Oh shut up.” I furrowed my brow.
“Dear journal,” Applejack tried to mimic by voice. “That jar was bein’ mean to me again today.”
“C’mon AJ, it was just hard to open!” I tried to defend myself as we walked to Sugarcube Corner for lunch.
“I’m sure it was,” She responded. “After all, what would the mighty Rainbow Dash’s weakness be other than jars of peanut butter?” She cackled. “Next time we face a villain, I sure hope he doesn’t bring peanut butter. You might not make it out all in one piece!”
I punched her in the shoulder, and we both laughed as we entered Sugarcube corner. We took a seat at the nearest booth and ordered our usual lunch fare. Two orders of hay fries. I told her the complete story of yesterday, except for all the super embarrassing parts. So I basically told her nothing about yesterday.
When our hay fries arrived, AJ grabbed the closest ketchup bottle and twisted the cap.
It didn’t budge.
She grunted, grabbed the bottle again, and twisted it with all her might.
The cap didn’t even come close to unscrewing.
She slowly looked back up at me, noticing my massive grin. “Not a word,” She muttered under her breath.
“Lets hope those villains don’t bring ketchup either.” I laughed. “Or maybe neither of us will make it out in one piece!”
