Bad Day in Two Dimensions
Manehatten. A sprawling metropolis of steel and glass, business capital of Equestria, and holder of the prestigious title “Gateway to Equestria”. Its strategic location on the east coast of Equestria made it the first city immigrants and travelers saw when entering the country, while the city itself had become known as a hub for big business and finance. This also made it the recipient of a much more unsavory title; “Crime Central”.
Despite the best efforts of the Royal Sisters, Manehatten remained a haven for both the Equestrian Mafia, and crooks and scoundrels of every type. It was said that if you had a vice, you could get your fix in the dank shadows of the city’s docks and warehouse district, home to smugglers and pirates. If your tastes were a little more… refined, you could seek out the glittering high rise offices of the local crime Dons. Gambling, prostitution, slavery, drugs and illegal magic artifacts could all be had if the price was right. Muggings, kidnapping, and even murder were common occurrences in the seedier parts of the great city. Unlike the more sedate towns and cities of Equestria, the Manehatten Police Department was barely able to control the crime rate with a constant influx of new offenders coming off the docks, and just as many convicted felons able to simply hop a ship bound for foreign ports, only to return once the heat had died down. Adding to the city’s woes, was an unfortunately healthy subversive element, consisting of terrorists, anarchists, and undercover agents from nearly every nation on the planet, many of which were nursing a grudge against Equestria for one reason or another.
None of this made Twilight Sparkle’s day any easier, either. Following Trixie’s attempt to enslave Ponyville through the use of the Alicorn Amulet, Twilight had sent the unstable piece of jewelry on to Canterlot, to be either disposed of properly or locked away from those who would be tempted to use its power for evil.
“Of COURSE that isn’t what happened. OF COURSE, one of the most dangerous magical artifacts known to ponykind would JUST SO HAPPEN to go MYSTERIOUSLY missing from the Palace Vaults, just the most protected and secure location on the entire PLANET!!!”.
Rarity cautiously scooted closer to her panting friend, placing a calming hoof on the frazzled lavender alicorn’s shoulder.
“I understand completely darling. Why, the thought of that dreadful, gaudy charm falling into nefarious hooves, it quite simply doesn’t bear considering!”
Across the train car aisle, Rainbow Dash let out a derisive snort. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Heck, Twi was able to trick The Lame and Gullible Trixie into giving up the doohickey without too much hassle, and that was before she sprouted wings.”
Twilight took a final, cleansing breath before straightening her mane with a spark of magic. Shooting Rarity a grateful glance, she finally felt able to reply to her polychromatic friend. “Most of the credit for that particular victory was due to teamwork and sleight-of-hoof rather than magical prowess on my part Rainbow. Imagine if the amulet were to be used by somepony truly evil like, say, King Sombra? Even with my ascension granting me increased magic reserves, I would still be unable to stop a pony who refused to remove the amulet willingly. ”
Rainbow seemed to consider this for a short span, before waving a dismissive hoof and squirming into more comfortable position. “Yeah, okay, so you can’t just abracadabra the amulet away. Big whoop! You said yourself, teamwork is what beat Trixie last time, so there shouldn’t be any problem getting the amulet away from whatever sad sack happens to have it now. After all, ya got The Dash with you, don’tcha?” This last was accompanied with Rainbow flipping her trademark shades down over her eyes, while flashing a cocky smirk at Twilight and Rarity. The Stetson wearing pony she was sharing a seat with rolled her eyes. Giving the speedster a gentle cuff across her ears, Applejack reproved her gently.
“Yeah, you and the rest of us gals. How many times do Ah gotta remind ya there ain’t no ‘I’ in ‘Team’?”
Fluttershy decided now was a good time to throw in her two bits worth.
“Don’t forget the Royal Guards Princess Celestia sent with us. I would hate to make them feel left out, since they’re going to be helping us find the Alicorn Amulet.”
Shooting Applejack a glare while readjusting her shades, Rainbow attempted once more to find a spot on the train seat that was comfortable enough to nap on. “Yeah yeah, go team, rah rah and all that jazz. I get it. Just trying to lighten the mood around here, ya bunch of downers.”
Pinkie Pie chose that particular moment to bounce her way back into the train car, towing a serving trolley behind her loaded with an assortment of snacks and drinks. Pulling her load to a stop alongside the rest of the Element Bearers, Pinkie beamed a megavolt smile at the generally glum visages of her friends. “Woo wee, those guards can really pack the snacks away! Lucky I was able to save some for you girls, ‘cause it looks like you could use a little pick-you-up!” Giving the trolley a sharp kick with a back hoof, Pinkie skillfully began juggling the suddenly airborne contents in a blinding fast pattern. Before any of the others could react, they found themselves with a sweet snack and beverage seemingly appearing by magic in their hooves.
Taking a dainty nibble of her éclair, Rarity favored the still juggling party pony with a small smile of gratitude. “Pinkamena Diane Pie, I do declare, what would we do without you?”
Finally growing bored with simply juggling the remaining snacks, Pinkie switched to balancing them in a shaky tower on her nose, before simply opening her mouth and tipping them in a cascade down her throat, seemingly without chewing them. Licking her lips, she turned her grin back towards Rarity. “Dunno. Be a bunch of Frowny-Faced McFrownertons?”
Rainbow Dash stuck her hoof out for a bump, which Pinkie enthusiastically returned. Chuckling, Rainbow finally gave up on finding comfort on her own bench, and instead flopped over to lay on Applejacks seat while using the farm pony’s side as a makeshift pillow. “Darn straight Pinkster. Between my awesomeness and your… whatever-it-is you do, we’ll keep this bunch of fuddy-duddies going.”
Twilight finished off her own jelly donut, then sat back with a contented smile. “I don’t know what I would do without any of you girls. You’re right, as long as we work together, we will find that Amulet. I think everything will be just fine.”
Five hours later…
“Me and my big fat mouth. Of course the universe wouldn’t let me get away with saying something like that!!!”
Twilight and company had arrived in Manehatten on schedule, and immediately begun their investigation into the Alicorn Amulet’s whereabouts. One stop at the Manehatten Police Department later, the group had begun quietly investigating the various auction houses, antique dealers and pawnshops known to be clearing-houses for various high-powered magical items. Pavement was pounded, snitches were squeezed for information (in one case literally given a loving squeeze from Fluttershy after breaking down and bawling about what a broken home he had come from), and stones were overturned in the search for the dangerous talisman. This had finally led them to the docks, and a seemingly abandoned warehouse with a suspiciously large group gathered within. An attempt to sneak one of their number in to ascertain the items being sold led to their entire party being discovered and doused with sleeping gas. When they awoke, they found themselves wrapped in enough chain and magic inhibitors to subdue an army, while being sneered at by a particularly slimy looking griffon dressed in a suit that was snazzy enough to impress even Rarity despite their situation. Further observation revealed that not only was Amulet being auctioned, but apparently they were now up for bid as well.
Straining her cuffs experimentally, Applejack leaned over far enough to give Twilight a soothing nuzzle. “Buck up, sugercube. T’ain’t yer fault, jest bad luck all around.”
Fluttershy had managed to scoot her bound form up against Twilights other side. In addition to being bound, she had been blindfolded after she had tried to Stare their assailants into submission. “Applejack’s right Twilight, stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault Rainbow got found out. She just got too enthusiastic. And she’s not the best actor. And, um, maybe she shouldn’t believe everything she reads in Daring Do?”
Rainbow was trussed up to the point of nearly being invisible beneath her bonds, but that didn’t stop her from twisting around and directing a glare at the oblivious Fluttershy. “Hey! First of all, Shut Up! Second, I’ve tested most of what’s in those books, and they do to work. And third, Shut Up!!!”
Applejack could barely move, but she still had enough wiggle room to snap her tail out and pop Rainbow in the nose. Satisfied the indignant Pegasus was more concerned with her smarting nose than in continuing to argue, she turned her attention back to Twilight. “Like ah was saying, jest hard luck. Yer the magic expert here Twi, can’t ya whip up some little ol’ spell to get us out of this mess?”
Twilight concentrated for a moment, her brow furrowed with the effort. Her horn was capped with a heavy ring, and any attempt to channel magic through it resulted in a pitiful few sparks before sputtering out. Relaxing, Twilight shook her head. “Afraid that’s a no go. I don’t know where they got it, but this is a military grade inhibitor. The Royal Guard uses these things for those prisoners that are especially dangerous, and they’re virtually unbreakable.”
Rarity perked up at that. “Virtually darling? Surely that must mean there is some hope, yes?”
Twilight nodded. “With enough time, sure. Since becoming a princess, part of my recent training with Celestia and Luna covered situations related to hostage situations, and possible escape routes and techniques. Sit tight girls, I’ll see what I can do. How’s Pinkie doing?”
Rarity glanced over at the still form of the pink pony. “Still unconscious I’m afraid. Those brutes must have dosed her especially thoroughly.”
Twilight nodded grimly. “I was hoping she would be able to pick these locks, or do something… Pinkie-ish. I’ll tell you what concerns me the most about this situation though.”
Rainbow finally quit nursing her snout, and quirked an inquisitive eyebrow towards her brainy friend. “What, more concerning than the possibility of getting sold off like a matched set of Wonderbolts shot glasses?”
Twilight nodded grimly. “Think about it. The high grade inhibitor rings, Fluttershy’s blindfold, Pinkie’s sedation, the heavy chains? These crooks knew exactly how to restrain us in the most effective way possible. I have a bad feeling that they knew who we were, and not only that, but when we were coming.”
“How very astute of you, Prinzessen Twilight Sparkle.” The conscious members of the party turned their startled gaze to the speaker. Emerging from the shadows in the back of the warehouse, was the most hideously disfigured griffon any of the ponies had ever seen. From the neck up, the bird-lion hybrid’s head was a mass of scar tissue, as though he had survived being dunked into a vat of lava. His beak had been replaced by a steal prosthetic, sharpened and polished into a wicked shine. His eyes were cold, calculating, and yet seemed to shine with an inner madness, lurking just beneath the surface. His plumage was a matte black, seeming to suck in all ambient light until it seemed as though he were a living shadow. His body was crisscrossed with scars of fights both old and recent, while a plainly efficient sabre hung from a belt of real leather. Twilight took particular note of his uniform, which was of a style she recognized as originating from Griffonhiem’s military elite, the Blut Talons. Instead of a row of medals that most griffon officers seemed to favor, however, this griffon sported a single insignia on the uniform’s breast; a stylized depiction of a hydra.
Prowling to a stop above the bound prisoners, the griffon stood for a long moment simply gazing at them. The silence was predictably broken by Rainbow Dash, who began struggling in her bonds and shouting at the sinister figure. “Hey! Hey, you with the road kill face! What’s the big idea, knocking us out and tying us up? Don’t you know who we are? Let us go, or so help me I’ll kick your buzzard butt clear to-“ The griffon moved with the fluid speed of a striking snake, backhanding Rainbow across the muzzle. Turning his burning gaze upon the rest of the ponies, he calmly began speaking in lightly accented Equestrian.
“I am very well aware of who you are, Fraulein Dash. I know all of you. The Elements of Harmony, Celestia’s little lap dogs. We shall see just how arrogant the verdammt Sun Princess is once she knows I have her precious student in my talons.”
Fluttershy swallowed convulsively, and managed to squeak out a barely audible question. “Um, what about the rest of us?” The griffon’s metal beak made facial impressions nearly impossible, but there was no mistaking the wrinkles his hideous face folded into. The ponies who were conscious and could see couldn’t repress a shudder. The griffon was smiling.
“Gentle Fluttershy, eh? Well, I fear I have no use for you, or your other little friends. You will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. There are plenty of buyers, both pony and griffon, who would pay a pretty penny to possess their very own Element Bearer, to use as they see fit, Ja?” Turning his back on the horrified group of friends, he began to stalk back into the shadows.
Moistening her suddenly dry lips, Twilight called out to the departing figure. “Wait! Who are you? Surely we can come to some arrangement? Please, I’ll do whatever you want, just let my friends go!” Pausing, his body half-in and half-out of the shadowy corner of the building, the griffon turned his head back towards Twilight. She gulped, as his eyes seemed to burn brighter, like two angry flames.
“I believe I have made my position perfectly clear, nein? There is nothing you can offer me, Prinzessen. As for who I am, you may call me… Baron Wolfgang von Bluddbeak. Rest now, you will need it for what is to come. Celestia will finally be brought to her knees before me, and the Griffon nation will take its rightful place above you pathetic prey-animals. Hail Hydra.”
Turning once again, the Baron prowled off into the darkness with a final, contemptuous flick of his leonine tail. Rarity turned frightened eyes upon Twilight’s shaking form. “Twilight? What was he talking about? Who, or what is ‘Hydra’?” Finally gaining control of herself, Twilight looked over her shoulder to reply.
“Hydra was a secret cabal of griffon scientists and sorcerers. They were supposed to be disbanded after the last Equestria-Griffonhiem conflict over fifty years ago, after Princess Celestia realized they were using dark magic in an attempt to free Nightmare Moon early. They were an extremely secretive group, so there’s not much known about them for sure beyond rumor. What is known, was their tendency towards extreme and cruel experiments performed on any pony who fell into their claws.”
Fluttershy choked back a sob. “Oh Twilight, isn’t there anything we can do?”
Straining her magic slightly, Twilight relaxed and gently nuzzled the trembling Pegasus. “Don’t worry Fluttershy. This inhibitor is well made, but I think I’ve found a flaw in this particular one. It’s extremely dangerous, but I think I can use enough magic to link with the Alicorn Amulet. Once I’ve established a link and disabled my inhibitor, I’ll teleport us out of here.”
Applejack was quick to point out the flaw in this plan. “Are you loco Twi?! That there Amulet corrupts anyone who wears it, you remember what happened to Trixie!”
Twilight was quick to reassure her friends. “I won’t be wearing it, just linking my magical energy with the Amulet’s. It should be enough to overload this inhibitor, and give us a chance to get out of here.”
One by one, her friends chimed in with their support.
“Alright egghead, let’s just get out of here already!”
“Ah’ll take yer word for it sugercube.”
“You can do it, we believe in you Twilight.”
“Hear hear! We know you can do it darling!”
“Yeperoonie! Let’s make like a banana and split!”
Twilight jumped in her bonds, and turned an annoyed frown on an owlishly blinking Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie! Why didn’t you say you were awake?!”
Pinkie grinned sleepily at the irate alicorn. “You didn’t ask me, silly!”
Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Never mind. Get ready girls, here goes nothing!”
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Well, that was a major bust. Trudging out of the convention center, loaded down with a backpack and a replica Captain America shield I constructed from a discarded satellite TV dish, I thought back to the preceding hours. When I had heard about the ComicCon taking place just an hour drive from my dorm, I had thought it would be a great idea to invite that cute redhead from down the hall to attend with me. I had helped her get moved in just a few days earlier, and had noticed the plethora of classic comic cover posters she possessed. We had got to talking, and found that we shared several classes in addition to an interest in comics. Where she was a DC fanatic, I was a Marvel nut, and we had spent nearly an hour playfully debating the merits of our favorite characters. When I asked if she wanted to split the gas money to attend the ComicCon with me, I was pleasantly surprised when she agreed. Thus when the day arrived, we met at my vehicle dressed in our comic geek best, her in a Batgirl costume, and myself in a cobbled together Captain America uniform complete with homemade shield.
The drive was pleasant, and the convention center was easy to find. Parking, however, was a total nightmare. Finally pulling into a spot three blocks away, we trudged our way back to the venue and finally began browsing the displays and stands. Like I said earlier, going great. I lost touch with my companion somewhere between the video game display and the Chris Evans autographing booth, but I figured we’d meet at the exit. Autographed shield in tow, I joined the throng of con-goers that were surging for the doors. Finally breaking free of the crowd, I began searching for my AWOL cohort. Figuring that even if this probably couldn’t be considered a date, it had gone well enough to at least give me a shot, I set off in high spirits fully intending to ask her if she would like coffee sometime. Well, I finally found her, just around the corner under a picturesque gazebo. Any greeting I had intended to call out died stillborn when I saw she was enthusiastically swapping spit with a guy dressed as Superman. She introduce the dude as her fiancée, and began talking a mile a minute about how I was such a sweet friend. Well, I stood there, grinning like an idiot as my dreams of an actual date went up in smoke. Excusing myself as soon as was polite, I beat a hasty retreat.
Thus, my day. Start good, end in heartbreak. Ah heck, that’s probably a little over-dramatic, since I didn’t know her that well to begin with, and we were barely past the acquaintance level. What can I say, I hadn’t ever had the best luck with women in the past, and this was yet another girl who had firmly placed me in the “friend-zone”. Shrugging my backpack and shield up on my shoulder, I stopped beside my car to dig my keys out of my homemade costume. Pausing a moment before I could climb in, I studied my reflection in my car windows. I was a big guy for sure, six foot four inches tall in my socks and tipping the scales at just under three hundred pounds, most of which I’m ashamed to say was the result of too much homework and not enough time in the gym. Dark blond hair, glasses, stubbly beard. Yeah, heartthrob I am not. Wonder if that’s why I can’t convince a girl to get past the friend stage? Shaking myself in an attempt to break out of my funk, I started to open the car door in preparation to return to the dorm and college life.
It was at about that moment that I noticed something shiny in the gravel a few feet from my car. Thinking it was a quarter someone had dropped, I started towards the supposed free cash with intent to appropriate into my sadly empty pockets. Just a few feet short of bending down, I realized that what I thought was a shiny coin reflecting a street light was actually a glowing ball of energy. Stopping short of actually touching the weird will’o’the’wisp (what? I’m not an idiot) I began studying the phenomenon from what I thought would be a safe distance. Before my very eyes, the thing began to shimmer, and then expand. First in little fits and starts, then in pulsing contractions like the beating of a heart, the phantasm grew from slightly smaller than a marble, to the size of a softball before stopping. Pulling out my phone, I decided that enough was enough, and the authorities would be the best bet for handling whatever the heck this thing was. As if it had been waiting for my attention to waver, the ball suddenly expanded to the size of a manhole cover, and began lashing out angry tendrils of energy, one of which latched onto my leg, and began pulling me feet first into the center of the glowing ball!
Letting out what I fondly hoped was a manly bellow (but was more likely a pitiful scream) I found myself plunging through what was apparently a portal of some kind. Now, I liked to think I was fairly well versed in the genre of science-fiction, and had seen depictions of every kind of conceivable portal and/or transport, from the Stargate to the Terminator time travel sphere. This though, this was nothing like what I had seen from Hollywood. It felt like my body was being squeezed through a knothole, while being stretched by a taffy-puller while being diced by a blender set to smoothie. There was a blinding flash, and pop that reminded me of my baby sister blowing bubblegum, and suddenly I was on my hands and knees on some sort of concrete floor reacquainting myself with every meal I had eaten for the last week.
Finally finished voiding my stomach (but not my bowels, thank all that’s holy), I became aware of someone screaming in what sounded like German. Finally raising myself back to my feet, I suddenly became aware of a rather large club swinging at my head! Reflexively raising my arm, I braced myself for what was sure to be the most agonizing pain of my life when that thing snapped my arm like a twig. Imagine my shock when not only did my arm survive the blow, but the club did not. The guy that had tried to pulp me was left standing there with a splintered stick in his hands, a look of confused shock on his ugly mug. How ugly was this guy’s face? Imagine a bulldog with a bad overbite got his face run over by a semi-truck, and then went five rounds with Rocky Balboa. Yeah, there’s a face not even a mother could love. At this point, I was running on adrenalin and anger. This sorry sonovagun had just tried to brain me, and I was not figuring on letting him have another shot. I cocked my fist back, and let him have it right in the kisser. I guess he must have weighed less than he looked, cause when I connected, that sucker went flying backwards! The dude smashed right through a stack of heavy looking wooden crates, and just flat out pulverized them with his passing. After I had managed to pick my jaw up off the floor, I finally began to take stock of my surroundings, and quickly began to realize a few things.
I was not in a parking lot anymore. I seemed to be in some sort of warehouse or storage building.
That butt-ugly Babe Ruth wannabe was not the only guy in that building with me, and boy did the neighbors look pissed.
And this was most important; NONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING WITH ME WERE HUMAN!!!!
I swear, there must have been about ten other creatures, and all of them looked like either some insane cross between a dog and gorilla, or actual honest-to-gosh griffons!!! As previously mentioned, they all seemed to be murderously angry at me crashing their little get-together, and most important, they all seemed to be armed with an ugly assortment of swords, knives, clubs, and crossbows. I think I even saw what looked like a flintlock pistol stuck in one of the griffon’s belts beside a sabre, and HOLY GUACAMOLE WAS THAT DUDE UGLY!!! If I thought the first guy was scary looking, this one was downright demonic! His head looked like one big mass of burns and scars, while his beak looked like it was made out of some kind of metal. He was the one screaming in German, and judging by his gestures it was pretty clear he was ordering his flunkies to dispose of me in the most painful way possible. One of the griffons raised his crossbow, and let fly. Once again acting on some weird instinct, I whipped my little fan-boy craft project up in a futile attempt to save myself getting perforated. Looking back on it, I have no idea why I thought my flimsy little toy shield would protect me from a freaking arrow, but like I said, I was running on autopilot at this point. Imagine my surprise when, not only did I not get skewered like a grilled mushroom, but the arrow actually pinged right off the surface of the shield. Come to think of it, I didn’t remember my shield weighing all that much before, either. Not that it was heavy, mind, just I could tell there was some solid heft to the thing now. That was all the time I had for introspection, cause at that moment the rest of the gang thought it would be a good idea to try and rip me limb from limb.
The rest of the fight, if you could call it that, went by in what must have been mere seconds, but felt like hours to me at the time. It was like I had suddenly absorbed the skills of Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and Chuck Norris, and in turn unleashed them on the pack of ugly that was trying to attack me. Limbs cracked, teeth and feathers flew, and agonized screams filled the air. I felt like a passenger in my own body, watching in helpless awe as it mowed through my assailants like a blade through grass. When it was over, it was just me and Mr. Burn Victim left standing. The rest of the gang were all scattered across the floor of the building, with one draped over a support beam up in the rafters. Surveying the damage, I slowly turned towards the last guy still standing, and YIKES! Did he look pissed. Seriously, if looks could kill, I wouldn’t just be dead, I’d be a smoking little pile of soggy ashes. Snarling what was likely a cuss in German, he flared his wings and shot off into the air above my head. Swinging my shield up, I dropped into a crouch, fully expecting him to dive-bomb me and attempt to rip my face off. Instead, he just hovered there a moment, before turning tail and shooting off through an open skylight. As he was leaving, I hear him yell at me in near perfect English.
“This is not over, interloper. You will regret this night’s work!” Well, that happened.
Beginning to shake as I came down off of my adrenaline rush, I turned to the only other conscious occupants of the room. Oh, didn’t I mention? In addition to the griffons and ape-dogs, there was a small group of little miniature horses lying chained up in a small heap. Now that I had a chance to look at them without someone trying to kill me, I realized that not only were these little ponies decked out with fur in literally every color of the rainbow, but that some of them had either horns or wings. Huh. Pegasi and unicorns, go figure. One of the ponies, wearing a cowboy hat and orange fur with blond hair, was the first to speak. And lo and behold, apparently they were intelligent in addition to being colorful. Why not.
“Who and what the hay are you?”
Looking at my suddenly much more professional looking uniform and transformed shield, I opened my mouth and answered in the most honest, bright manner possible. “I’m… I’m Captain America.”
What? You try and sound intelligent after being pulled through a portal, kicking griffon butt, and discovering talking horses.
