Button Mash's Awful Video Game Experience

by TheExhaustedBrony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 3363

Button plays on some of the worst consoles ever created.

What happens when Button Mash, a video game enthusiast, is given a box filled with his fathers' old video game systems? Join Button Mash and his miserable experiences with devices such as the Power Hoof, the Virtual Boy, and the Sega CD.

Published 2014-04-23 18:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-05 20:30:44 UTC

Introduction: The Power Hoof

Button Mash was no stranger to video games. When he was just a little colt, he received his first video game console, the Joyboy SP. Since then, his passion for electronic entertainment has continued to grow as video game technology became more advanced and brought about the modern era of video gaming.

Button was familiar with all of the current game systems such as the PoniBox and the PonyStation. His parents' old pong console was the oldest console he's ever played, that is, until today.

Today was cleaning day for the Mash household. Button and the rest of his family were rummaging through the attic for anything that they could do without.

Button loathed the idea of cleaning. Of course, he'd much rather be playing video games, but his parents told him for the millionth time that he wasn't allowed to play until he's spent some time with the family. Parents are so demanding.

“Hey, Button, c'mere. I've got something to show you.” Button's father beckoned.

“What is it, dad?” Button said as he traversed his way around the mess of cardboard boxes.

“Take a look, son.” The stallion pointed a hoof down to a large box labeled, old consoles, “Go on, open it.”

Button lifted the dusty flaps and peered inside the box to see an assortment of large plastic boxes that looked nothing like any gaming console he's ever seen. One of them looked like a pair of binoculars on a stand and another was a massive square that took up almost all of the space on the bottom of the box.

“What are they?”

“Those are the video game systems that I owned when I was about your age.”

“You had video games when you were a kid?” Button said in astonishment.

“You bet. I was quite good at them too.”

“You were.” Button's mother shot a mischievous smile in their direction.

The stallion rolled his eyes playfully, “That is until I met your mother, of course.”

Right now there was only one thing on little Button Mash's mind and that was playing video games. Even if it's old, video games are still video games to Button.

“Do they still work?”

“Some might. Lets take this downstairs and try them out. Whaddya say, you ready to see what your old man did for fun back in the day?”

Button nodded, “Yeah!”

“Alright, why don't you go downstairs and make some room around the TV? I'll bring the games down.”

“Okay.” Button hurried down the attic ladder and into his room and with great haste, unplugged the PonyStation 4 from the TV and pushed it aside. Time seemed to move very slowly while he anxiously waited for his dad. It was as if he had entered bullet time.

After what felt like hours, Button's father finally entered the room with the box of video games. The stallion reached into the box and lifted out what looked like a gray hoof mitten with a numeric pad on the side.

“What's that?”

“This here is the Power Hoof.” The stallion blew the dust off the old controller, “It offers a whole new video game experience as players can use a single hoof to control a game on the Joyboy Entertainment System.”

“Wow. That sounds surprisingly high tech for something from when you were a kid.”

“The idea was that earth ponies and pegasi could play games without having to physically press buttons to emulate what unicorn magic is like, in a weird mechanical way.”

Button's father reached into the cardboard box and retrieved three small black boxes that seemed to be connected by a cord. “You put these sensors around the TV...” The stallion fumbled with the device as they refused to remain on the television. Fed up, Button's frustrated father began stacking books on top of the TV which, crudely, held the sensors in place.

“You alright, dad?” Button asked, concerned for his fathers' mental well-being.

“Everything's fine. Lets get a game.” The frazzled stallion dug through the box and pulled out a game cartridge, “How about Super Hoof Ball?”

“Sure.” Button shrugged. He didn't really care much about the games. What he wanted was to see the Power Hoof in action.

Button's father opened the door on the JoyBoy Entertainment System and slid the game in. He pushed the cartridge down and the satisfying 'click' confirmed that the game was ready to be played.

“Alright son,” the stallion looked right into his sons' eyes, “are you ready to play Super Hoof Ball with the Power Hoof?”

“Game on.” Button shifted his stance and extended his right hoof towards the screen as he mentally prepared himself for the game. Button heard the click of the power button and instantly the screen lit up with the title screen to Super Hoof Ball. The graphics were very simple, as Button had expected, and the menu consisted of only only one option, “Start.” However, despite the simple appearance of the game, the little colt had only one question to ask,

“How do I start the game?” Button vainly waved the Power Hoof around at the screen and tried every motion he could think of as he attempted to start the game.

“Use the controller on the device to start the game like you would any other.”

Button looked down at his hoof to see a black rectangle with the same layout as any JBES controller. Right off the bat, this struck the child as extremely odd. Why would you need a controller on the controller? However, he didn't have time to think about the design, he just wanted to play. Button tapped the small gray start button and the game started up. The level was designed to show some three-dimensional depth and the walls were made up of colored tiles. At the same time, there were various floating objects and shapes that moved all over the screen, including a white ball that bounced around.

The hoof that Button was controlling on screen was spazzing out in the top right corner of the screen and no matter what he did, he couldn't get a response from the game. Button moved his hoof up, down, left, right, forwards, backwards, clockwise, counterclockwise, and diagonal but the gray hoof on the screen didn't even move a pixel.

“Dad, what's going on? I can't make it move.” Button asked, not sure why something so cutting edge was functioning so poorly.

“You're playing with power, son.” He chuckled, "Lets play a different game..."

For an hour, Button tried game after game, hoping that at least one of them would work. Slowly, his anger and frustration grew to a point that nopony should ever go and after the twentieth game, he had enough. Button glared at the piece of junk on his hoof with the fury of one thousand suns. What were they thinking? Is this what dad thought of as being fun? How could anypony sell something so disfunctional?

"I've had it with this worthless piece of trash!" Button tore off the Power Hoof and threw it to the ground. Tears began welling in his eyes as the overwhelming frustration took hold of him.

Button's father placed a hoof on the colt's back, "Why don't you play something else?"

Button shook his head, "I don't wanna."

"Oh come on, cheer up bud, I promise that the next one works."

"R-Really?" Button sniffled.

"Really." The stallion patted his son on the back once more before getting up to retrieve the next game console.

Author's Note

What the heck is this? I don't even know...

The Virtual Colt

Button stared at the floor in shock and disbelief. He couldn't believe what he had just experienced. There's no way he or anypony in the entire universe and known cosmos could have prepared himself for this. Today was the day that Button learned of the dark ages of video games and the horrors that spawned from the shadows. The concept behind the Power Hoof was very ambitious for the time and it would have been a cool if it been functional but instead, the only thing it brought to the fillies and colts that were dumb enough to buy it was anger. Despite the deep psychological scarring that was caused by that miserable excuse of a controller, Button figured that they couldn't all be bad. There's no way dad could even joke about this being fun. There was nothing good or fun to be said about the Power Hoof. It's so bad.

“Here you go.” Button's father placed the most peculiar looking object he had ever seen in his life right before him. It looked like a pair of red binoculars on a stand.

“What's this thing?” Button asked.

“This my boy, is the Virtual Colt.” The stallion said, wiping the dust off the top.

Button looked at his father with a puzzled expression, “Virtual Colt?”

Button's father gave an affirmative nod, “The Virtual Colt was made by the same company that made the JoyBoy and was marketed as the first portable game console to utilize virtual reality. The way it worked is that it projected two images into each eye to create the illusion of depth of field and to fully immerse the player in the game.”

“Really?” Button was astonished. Virtual reality was something that every gamer wanted to experience more than anything, but the technology just wasn't ready and it would be a while before VR headsets would hit the shelves. Could it be that virtual reality was already mastered before he was even born?! It just sounded too good to be true.

“Yep. Now, look through the eye pieces and I'll turn the game on.”

“Okay.” Button scooted himself closer so that he could feel the rubber lining of the system on his face. It was completely dark inside the system and was rather claustrophobic inducing.

“You ready? I've put in Vertical Force.”

“Yea! I'm rea-WAAAAAAAAAAH!” Button wasn't prepared for the dark space around his eyes to become flooded with blood red light. The menu screen appeared and the little colt instinctively pressed the start button on the controller. He thanked Celestia that it worked. When the game started up, Button found it kind of extremely disappointing that the game was a top-down shooter. Not that he disliked that genre of games or anything, but he was expecting something that would be in a first person perspective. After all, it was called the Virtual Colt. So it wouldn't be wrong of him to expect the games to simulate virtual reality.

“How is it?”

“It's alright, I guess.” Button honestly couldn't think of much else to say about the game. It was just another space shooter game like the ones he's played on other consoles. The only thing the game did to create any sort of three dimensional depth was having the ability to have the ship change elevations. The real disappointment set in when Button realized that there wasn't much else to it. He ha. It was kind of cool at first and Button was enjoying his time playing a functional video game. However, it wasn't long before the colt felt like his head was going to split open.

“Owowowowowowow!” Button reared back away from the Virtual Colt and pressed his hooves tightly against his forehead.

“Button! Are you alright?!”

“Uwaaaah! This thing hurts my eyes and gives me a headache!” Button screamed.

“Just take deep breaths Button, it'll pass.” The stallion gently rubbed the child's back, waiting for the headache to subside.

It didn't take long for the pain to go away, but for the time that it took the game to cause it and the amount of pain that it inflicted was like an eternity of agony for Button.

“You feeling better?”

Button took a deep breath, “Yea, I think so.”

“You need to take a break?”

Button shook his head.

“You feeling up for another game or two?”

Button nodded. His fiery passion for gaming wouldn't let a headache stop him from indulging himself on electronic entertainment.

He put his face up to the Virtual Colt and took a deep breath, “Ready, dad! Lets do this!” Button braced himself for the blinding light of the game.

“Here's Red Alarm.” Button's father switched on the console and the game lit up. It was a 3D space shooter like Star Pony on the Super JBES. However, unlike Star Pony, Red Alarm was made completely out of wire frame.

“Holy cow! Red is right!” Button was dumbfounded by the lack of rendered shapes. Button's eyes couldn't tell how far away things were or which way he was oriented because the walls had no textures. It was impossible for his mind to determine what was an opening and what was a solid wall. At this point, he couldn't take it anymore. It only took three seconds before Button's eyes began to punish his little body for gazing upon the horrors of the game that is Red Alarm.

“I can't take it! It's nothing but lines!” Button spoke through clenched jaws, “Can we do something else dad?!”

Author's Note

I couldn't stop myself from making another chapter after seeing how many people liked this story. Thank you!

Fillies CD-I (Part 1)

Button's father chuckled a bit at his sons' expense. As cruel as it was, nopony would deny that watching their children have a difficult time was a little bit funny.

“Shut up dad!” Button scowled, massaging his eyes. At this point, Button's faith in his fathers' childhood was already close to zero. However, this was his only way to get out of cleaning. Video games are video games is what it all boiled down to and he'd rather be doing that than cleaning the attic.

“Why don't I find something else for you to do?”

“NO!” Button leaped for the box, “I'll pick something out myself.”

The stallion reared back a bit, surprised by his son's sudden bravery, “A-Are you sure? Don't you trust your old man?”

Button shot his dad a glare that was as if Nightmare Moon learned Fluttershy's stare. However, not a second later was Button rummaging through the box again for something to play with.

“What's this?” Button reached his little hooves into the box and retrieved the most unusual piece of technology he'd ever seen. It was just a giant black box.

“That's the Fillies CD-I.” The stallion walked over to the box, “Let me help you with that my boy.”

Together, the two pulled out the giant device and placed it on the floor. Button scanned every inch of the peculiar object, trying to make sense of it's massive design.

“Why's this thing so... so...”

“Massive? Well, Fillies did make much smaller, compact models, but with a smaller size meant more fragile parts. The only one that I was able to own that worked properly is this standard model. Oh, and did you know that playing games on a CD was actually a new thing at the time?”

“Really?” Button was slightly impressed. He couldn't deny his fascination with the idea that something so common today was considered ambitious at one point in time. Today, pretty much all video game consoles use CD's. They're capable of storing more data than cartridges and were able to be stored in much smaller spaces. It made sense to the colt why one is more favorable.

“Yea.” The stallion gave an affirmative nod, “Although, I didn't really play this thing too much. By the time I owned one, I was in college and didn't play video games as passionately as I used to.”

“What kind of games do you have for it?”

“Well, the only games that I own right now are a few Legend of Celestia games and a Pony Bros. game.”

“What?!” Button's eyes shot wide open, “There exist Celestia and Pony Bros games that I haven't played yet?!”

“JoyBoy gave Fillies permission to use some of their franchises. However, I wouldn't get your hopes up too much for these ones,” Button's father put on a worried look, “they aren't that great.”

“How can there exist a bad Celestia and Pony Bros game? And on a console that isn't JoyBoy?” Button asked skeptically.

“Well, if you insist on playing, which in my opinion, you shouldn't, then I'll set up the console for you.”

“Yea.”

“Alright then. I warned you. Could you get a controller from the box?”

Button nodded and reached back into the heap for a controller. It didn't take long for him to find a gray controller with “CD-I” printed on the front. It looked a lot like a Genesis controller with a D-pad and three buttons but not nearly as flashy.

“Is this it, dad?” Button held up the controller.

“That's it. Bring that over here and plug it in.”

Button did just that and plugged the controller into the port on the front of the system. Button's father pushed the power button and the system sprang to life, the hum from the disc tray made it seem like it was an ancient beast awakening from its slumber, something Button could relate to from his many years of gaming.

However, instead of a game being loaded, Button was greeted with a blue rectangle that had the word, “Fillies” written in it. Button never understood why game systems did this. Were companies afraid that ponies would forget what they were playing on? Before Button could ponder this thought any further, the screen turned to black and the word, “Celestia,” came careening from the foreground in big red letters and into the center, the subtitle below read, “The Wand of Gamelon.” The main menu screen was a scroll that had various options on it like any typical menu screen would have.

“I suggest that you do the tutorial. Trust me, the controls are like nothing you've ever experienced.”

“O ye of little faith,” Button shook his head and shrugged, “I think I can handle it.”

The stallion let out a worried sigh, “Don't say I didn't warn you.”

Button selected start game and the screen immediately cut to a very crudely animated cutscene of a king and princess Celestia.

“Celestia, Chancellor Puddinghead is under attack by the evil forces of Discord, I'm going to Dirtville to aid her.”

“But father, what if something happens to you?”

“I'll take the element of magic to protect me. If you don't hear from me in a month, send Dusk.”

Button was didn't like watching his video games, so he pressed the button again, skipping the cutscene. Now the game was at what appeared to be an overworld map. He moved the cursor around and held it over an area called, “Aru Ainu.” Button pressed the button, yet another time and was finally able to play the game.

“Oh, so it's a side scroller? Why isn't it an overhead like the others in the series?”

“I haven't the slightest idea, Button. Look out! Warthogs!”

Button looked at the corner of the screen and saw small brown warthogs moving towards the princess. Instinctively, he pressed down on the D-pad to get level with the enemy and the first button to attack. The hit connected with the enemy and it exploded.

“This isn't so bad.” Button smirked.

“Just wait.”

Button continued playing the game. It couldn't be as bad as his father claims. Button has played many side scrolling action games. How could they mess up something like this? Unfortunately, his question was just about to be answered.

“Button! Honey! Can you two come up here for a minute? I could use your help with something.”

“Okay mom!” Button didn't really mind taking a little break. All he had to do was pause the game. He scanned the controller and saw that there was no start or select buttons like a typical controller.

“Uh, dad? How do I pause the game?”

Author's Note

I'd like to apologize if the Zelda jokes are really stupid. I just couldn't think of anything really clever. If anyone has anything better, please tell me.