"Mah Barn Door Don't Swing That Way!"

by Cerulean Voice

Rating: teen
Tags: Big Macintosh, Cake Twins, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Applejack, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2996

Pinkie Pie and Applejack share a meal together with a new cupcake recipe and some spiced rum. The night surely looks promising...

Excited to try out her secret new apple-and-cinnamon cupcake recipe, Pinkie Pie bakes a batch and heads for Sweet Apple Acres, believing Applejack to be the best judge of apple-tasting baked goods in Ponyville. When Applejack makes an off-hoof comment, Pinkie Pie may just surprise her friend with more than her delicious pastries.

Based on an off-hand comment made to me by HiddenUnderACouch. Also partially inspired by Mondai Shunketsu's story, Family Matters. You legend.

Pre-read and edited by HiddenUnderACouch and MissingLink.

Rated teen for innuendos.

Featured on Fimfiction.net 04/24/14. Many thanks to those of you who helped break my featured virginity.

This story is 100% approved by Twilight's Library!

Published 2014-04-23 23:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-23 23:20:03 UTC

"Well, Let's Fix That!"

The oven in Sugarcube Corner blazed, fuelled by potent amounts of coke. Green splattered the walls as the pony within them furiously mixed a large bowl of some unknown mixture. Her face was screwed up in concentration, her tongue lolling around outside her mouth.

After a minute of hard beating, Pinkie Pie placed the bowl and spoon down on the table and looked out the window, raising a hoof to wipe what felt like buckets of perspiration from her forehead.

“Phew-wee! I hope I get these yum-eriffic cupcakes done in time to get to Applejack’s before sunset. She’ll be ever so devastated if I don’t show!” She cast a fleeting glance out the window at the sunset. “Ohhh, if only Sugarcube Corner hadn’t been so busy today, I’d be finished already!” She dashed over to the oven, watching the timer tick down to zero. Still, it displayed ten more minutes remaining.

“Oh, come on! Hurry… up!” Pinkie rose up and slammed her hooves down on top of the oven. A resounding ding rang through the room as she heard the oven’s fan shut off.

“Oooo, they’re done!” She bounced over to the sink nearby and grabbed a pair of oven mitts. Carefully, carefully, she slipped on the mitts and opened the oven door, recoiling slightly as the residual heat washed over her. She reached deep into the oven and extracted the baking tray, slowly backing up with the sides of the dish in her firm grip.

She carried the tray to the bench with the icing mixture, the scent of fresh-baked apples and cinnamon tickling her nostrils. Her mouth watering, Pinkie had to place the tray down and slap herself in the face.

“No, bad Pinkie! These are for Applejack!”

Humming a silly little tune, Pinkie flipped the tray over in less than a heartbeat. After removing the individual sheets of baking paper from the dessert bottoms, she grabbed a spatula and began smearing the green icing over the top of them. “Oh, these are gonna be so desirelicious! Applejack’s taste buds won’t know what hit them.” With a giggle, she spread the last of the green goop over the final cupcake, threw the bowl into the already-full, waiting sink and set about cleaning up the kitchen.

Five minutes later, copious amounts of elbow grease had rewarded her with the sparkling kitchen that Carrot and Cup Cake insisted she leave for them every morning. With her cupcakes sufficiently cooled, she set about scooping them into a container all at once. She peered once more out the window, observing as the sun barely sat above the surrounding households.

“I can make it! Absolutely-dutely I can make it.” Tying the container up in a picnic rug, she placed it into her saddlebag and flipped it up over herself. Barely had it settled over her sides before she bounced out the door and down past the counter. Zipping into the Ponyville street, she turned and extracted a key from within her mane, locking Sugarcube Corner behind her. Glancing up, she gave a wave to Pound and Pumpkin while they watched her from the top window. While Pinkie tucked the key back into her mane, Pumpkin lit her magic; the window began to swing outward. Before she and Pound could make their grand escape, Pinkie zoomed up the nearby lamp pole and clamped the window shut.

“Now, now, little foals, that’s naughty. And naughty foals don’t get any Pinkie Time before beddies!”

Pumpkin sat on her haunches and switched off her magic. Pound flapped up to the window and placed a hoof on the inside glass panel, whimpering slightly. Using his free hoof, he moved it across his chest and then covered his eye with it.

“Yes, Pound and Pumpkin, I Pinkie Promise to be back tonight.” She mirrored Pound’s motions and watched as the two foals giggled and hopped off the windowsill. With a sigh, Pinkie slid down the pole and gazed down the path. The shadows were slightly longer now.

“I’m coming, Applejack!”

* * * * *

The sun had slid below the horizon, only a faint smattering of rainbow light visible upon it from Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack loaded some hay into a cart with her pitchfork, sweating as she let out a final huff. “There, that takes care o’ that.” She glanced in the direction of the sun, her pupils rescinding into her irises. “Oh, shoot, is that the time?” Ah’d better get meself cleaned up if Ah’m gonna be presentable tonight.”

After lobbing the pitchfork into the cart with the load of hay, Applejack went to open her barn door and wheel the cart inside. As she pulled on the handle, it refused to budge. “Consarn it, why wont’cha open?” she gasped. Adding another hoof to the handle, she pulled harder. For a good ten seconds, she tried to pull the door open, before realisation came to smack her in the face.

“Darn it, AJ, you doofus.” Laughing to herself briefly, she lightly pushed on the door. It swung open without resistance. “Heh, lucky nopony saw th—”

“HeyaApplejackwhat’chadoin’?”

Applejack’s eyes went wide as she let loose a small scream, though she managed to catch herself before she overbalanced. “Whoa, you surprised me there, Pinkie.”

“Oooh, oooh, it was a good surprise, right? Oh, I sure hope so. Doesn’t seem as surprising as me finding you trying to pull your—”

“Oookay, Pinkie!” Applejack straightened her Stetson and turned her head to hide her blush. “Ah’m glad you’re here, but Ah’ve a hay-laden cart to wheel away inside. You think you could help me with that?” She gestured to the cart. “How ’bout you hold this here door for me and Ah’ll push it in?”

“Okey dokey Loki, Applejack!” Pinkie was at the door in an instant. “Now how do I open it more again?”

Applejack blinked. “...You push, Pinkie.”

Pinkie giggled, allowing a short snort to escape. “Oh yeah. Just checking.”

Applejack raised a solitary eyebrow. “Uh huh.” With a groan, she pushed up against the hay cart and heaved it inside the barn.

“Uh, you know I was just kidding, right, Applejack?” Pinkie poked her head around the side of the cart, keeping a hoof on the door.

“Yeah, yeah, Pinks. It’s all good. Just… let me get this… in here… gahhh!” With a final grunt and shoulder heave, Applejack wheeled the cart into place. “Okay, that oughtta do it. So,” she said, turning to face her friend, “what’s the occasion?”

“Well, Mrs Cake taught me this super-duper new recipe for cupcakes! I’ve never tried it before and she says it’s a super-secret recipe, so I had to make it for you, since it contains apples, and cinnamon, and I know how much you like apples, so I hope you like cinnamon as well—”

Applejack brought a hoof to Pinkie’s muzzle. “Okay, thanks a bunch for your help, Pinkie, but Ah really gotta get cleaned up. D’you mind waitin’ in the kitchen?”

“Oh. Sure thing, Applejack. I’ll be there in a jiffy.” Pinkie made to give Applejack a hug, then thought better of it as her friend’s scent reached her nose. “Uh, yeah, I’ll just go wait in the kitchen.”

* * * * *

The first thing that Pinkie noticed was that none of the house lamps were lit. The shadows were long inside the house, setting a slightly eerie atmosphere. Pinkie tsked to herself as she set about lighting the lamps around the home. One by one, the shadows shrank, to be replaced by flickering golden light. “Ahhh, much better!” she sighed. She bounced on the spot three times, bucking the saddlebag off her back. Before it could hit the table, she caught it expertly between her teeth and gently placed it upon the smooth oak.

She heard the telltale sounds of Applejack scrubbing in the bathtub from the floor above. “Oh, goodie. My cupcakes might smell delicious but even they couldn’t cover up ‘hard day’s work Applejack’ if they tried.” With a short chortle to herself, she set about preparing the table. For a brief moment, she frowned as a realisation hit her. Shrugging it off, she resumed unpacking her cupcakes.

For a few minutes, Pinkie played with the dancing shadows, contorting her hooves into different shadowy shapes on the ceiling.

“A birdie… a froggie… Princess Luna… oooo, a cupcake!” She licked her lips at the thought. “Hmmm, why is Applejack taking so long?” She slammed her hoof down on the table.

At that very moment, Applejack descended the stairs, her hooves clopping lightly upon the wooden beams. “Sorry Ah took mah time, Pinkie. Ah sorta had an ‘altercation’ with a sow earlier today. Had to get right in there and scrub. Now where’re these new cupcakes o’ yours? Ah’m starvin’!”

Pinkie made to set up the table, but halted. Her eyes scanned the area for what was missing.

“Somethin’ wrong, Pinkie?” Applejack asked.

“Well, I guess I was just wondering where everypony is. Is it just us here tonight?”

“Oh yeah.” Applejack nodded. “Macintosh is already in bed—has some other things to do before sunup tomorrow. Granny’s gone to visit Auntie Applesauce for a few days and Apple Bloom is with her friends having a sleepover. Heh, you know them,” Applejack laughed, “always tryin’ to earn their cutie marks.”

“Oh, okay! I guess we can have all the cupcakes to ourselves, then!” She returned to preparing their dishes. “Here you go, AJ!” Pinkie thrust a plate in front of Applejack before she could finish sitting at the table.

Applejack eyed the plate and took a deep whiff. “My, they do smell enticin’.” She picked one up and held it out to Pinkie, who repeated the gesture. “Here’s to, uh… great friends who make excellent goodies!”

“Yup! Good friends…” Pinkie trailed off. She twirled her own cupcake around on her hoof and stared as Applejack bit off half her cupcake in a single bite. She watched as Applejack chewed slowly, observing the way her eyes widened and lit up.

“By Celestia, these are amazing, Pinkie Pie!” Applejack finished her cupcake and gasped like she’d held her breath the entire time. “Y’all oughtta make these more often, you and the Cakes. Y’all’d make a killing ’round Ponyville with these!”

Pinkie blushed. “Awww, I’m so glad you like ’em, Applejack. I think they might be my new favourites as well.”

Applejack nodded. “That’s for darn sure. You know what? That gives me an idea. Hold your horses a minit, Ah’ll be right back.” Applejack swiftly stood up from her seat and bolted back upstairs, leaving Pinkie in the kitchen alone.

Pinkie gave her cupcake another munch, savouring the final crumbs as the cinnamon lit her tongue on flavour-filled fire. “Yep, best friends…”

Applejack returned a moment later, holding a bottle in her right hoof. “Here, Pinks. Check this out!” She placed the bottle on the table between them, eliciting an extension of the neck from Pinkie. “It’s a bottle o’ apple-scented spiced rum that Granny Smith gave me for mah last birthday. Since there was plenty of cider at mah party, Ah kept it hidden away for a special occasion.” She beamed at Pinkie. “Ah reckon since you’ve been kind enough to share the results of this here recipe with me, it’s only fair Ah offer you somethin’ in return. ’Sides,” she continued, “Ah reckon it’ll go down quite nice with these spiced apple cupcakes.”

Pinkie looked over the bottle. “Well, okay, Applejack. Not too much, though; I have to get back to the Corner and play with the twins before their beddie-byes.”

“Never you mind, Ah promise you’ll be back before too long. Ah just wanna try it with you. Hang on, Ah’ll pour us a mug each.” Grinning, Applejack pulled out two varnished mugs from her cupboard over the sink. Returning to the table, she placed them down and corked the bottle with her teeth.

“Here ya go, sugar cube. Let that spicy goodness meld with the leftover cinnamon cupcake on your tongue and tell me it ain’t the best darn combo you ever had!”

* * * * *

“Heh, AJ, you know—hic!—what?”

“What, Pinks? Wh… what is it?”

“You know what I like about—hic!—you?” Before Applejack could formulate an answer, Pinkie pressed a hoof to her lips. “You got that… worker’s et—hic!—ethic, you know? It’s really admer… uh, adm… admirable! Yeah, that’s—hic!—it. Admirable. I mean, you work aaaaallllllll the time and—hic!—I’ve never seen or heard of you… you taking a holiday or—hic!—nothing!”

Applejack leaned up from the floor as Pinkie slid down her chest. “Ah… thanks, P-Pinks. But all Ah do is.. mah best. Ain’t nopony else gonna… do this work. You know, Ah actually… Ah actually get a bit jeal… jealous o’ you somma the time. Ah mean…” She gulped in a deep breath. “Ah mean, you get ter… ter throw parties all the time, and… yer in the kitchen makin’ cakes… ‘n’ muffins, ‘n’ stuff. Wish Ah could live like… like that sometimes.”

“Mmmm, it’s really—hic!—nice most of the time. All those—hic!—cakes every day, and parties… they can get… pretty—tiring too. Sometimes.” Pinkie closed her eyes and leaned into Applejack. “You know, for a farm pony, you’ve—hic!—you’ve got real soft fur.” Softly, she began to stroke Applejack’s leg. “Yeah… real soft—hic!—fur.”

“Uh, yeah…” Applejack eyed the pink leg now gently stroking her own. She blushed heavily, her cheeks turning even more scarlet than from the booze. “Listen, Pinks, Ah dunno where… where yer goin’ with… whatever this is here, but, ah… well… Ah don’t er… mah barn door don’t swing that way, Pinks!”

Pinkie looked up at Applejack, squinting her eyes firmly. “Wha? Huh? What’s your—hic!—barn door got to do with any—hic!—thing? AJ?” She continued squinting up into her friend’s eyes.

“Er… uh… n-never mind, Pinks.” Applejack’s eyes widened as she felt Pinkie’s still-stroking hoof move closer to her flank. “Just, er… Ah’m not that kinda… kinda pony.”

“Ah… huh? W-what—hic!—what kinda pony, AJ?”

“Y’know what?” Applejack climbed shakily to her hooves, allowing Pinkie to sag back to the floor. “Ah reckon… we’ve both had a bit… urp… bit too much ter drink tonight. Ah…” Applejack stumbled as she helped her friend to her hooves. “Ah reckon, we should both… pack it up and get ter b-bed. Yeah. Bed’s a… great idea.”

“Oh!” Pinkie shot up toward the ceiling, her hair poofed out and her eyes bulging. “Oh, nononononono! I gotta get—hic!—back to Sugarcube Corner and read the twins a b—hic!—bedtime story! Oooooh, it’s already too late! How could I—hic!—almost break a Pinkie Promise like that?” At the speed of sound, Pinkie dashed around the kitchen, collecting her remaining cupcakes, saddlebag and picnic rug. “Gotta—hic!—goApplejackthanksfortherumandcompanyIhadagreattimebye!”

Before Applejack could blink, Pinkie had zipped out the door, leaving a zig-zagging pink streak in her wake. As she closed the door, Applejack leaned against the plywood frame and sagged to the floor, her head in her hooves. The world around her spun as she tried to make drunken sense of the past three minutes.

“That’s it… Ah’m never… lettin’ Pinkie inter… anythin’ but cider again.”

* * * * *

Applejack awoke the next morning far sooner than her pounding head would have liked. Groaning, she tried to shut out the sunlight—

Sunlight?

With a cry, Applejack leapt out of bed and ran for the bathroom, ignoring the churning in her gut. She scrubbed her hooves with her face under the sink’s running water and toweled off faster than would seem possible. When she lowered the towel, she was met with a bloodshot-eyed reflection and an increase of the stabbing pains inside her head.

“Darn it… why’d Ah have to drink so much last night?”

She watched as her reflection’s pupils shrank with comprehension. Oh, no. Pinkie Pie… did that really happen last night? She shuddered with the hazy memory before her “present brain” caught up with her. Ah well, gotta get these chores done now. Hope Macintosh already started for me…

She trotted down the stairs and out of the house. As she rounded the corner, her heart stopped for a split second. Big Mac was already out with the hay cart, accompanied by Pinkie Pie.

Applejack gulped. “Er, heya, Pinkie. What’re you doin’ here this mornin’?”

Pinkie waved rapidly, wearing a smile that could make Celestia’s morning sun seem dull. “Hi, Applejack! I had such a great time with you last night. I just had to come and tell Big Mac all about it!”

“E-eeyup.” Mac looked tense, as if he were holding something back.

“Uh, what exactly didja tell Mac, Pinkie?” Applejack could already feel the sweat leaking through her pores.

“Well, I told him about how delicious you thought my cupcakes were and how he could try some too, whenever he wanted!”

“Eey-yup.” Mac moved a hoof over his muzzle, blinking his eyes.

“Pinkie…” Applejack began—

“And then I mentioned how you said ‘mah barn door don’t swing that way, Pinks,’” and that made me remember how much trouble you had admitting that yesterday—”

“Pinkie, please—”

“So I asked Mac to help me make your barn door swing both ways!”

Applejack fainted.

Pinkie and Big Mac looked at each other, the stallion now roaring with laughter. Pinkie also giggled as she wandered over to her unconscious friend. “What was that for? I thought she’d be excited to have her door swinging both ways?” Pinkie shrugged. “Oh well.” She looked at Big Mac. Thanks for the help, cousin!”

“Yer welcome, Pinkie Pah,” Mac replied. As Pinkie bounced off, her signature sproing in her bounds, Mac walked around the hay cart back to the barn’s new entrance. Grasping the handle, he gently swung it back and forth.

“Eeyup. Definitely both ways.”

Author's Note

Typed this up in four hours. Blame HUAC for this. 100%.
I could not get the thought out of my head after his comment.

I hope you enjoy!