Cutie Mark Crusaders: Collective Princess

by Space Pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Comedy
Length: 952

What does it take to make an alicorn princess? A unicorn, a pegasus, and an earth pony, right? Great, the Crusaders can do that.

After changing their legal status from three individual ponies to one alicorn princess, the Cutie Mark Crusaders take it upon themselves to oversee the Rainbow Falls Trade Exchange, but quickly go mad with power and nonsense.

Published 2014-04-24 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-24 01:50:02 UTC

This Makes No Sense

"Miss, we need you to make a decision."

"Hmm...", she thought to herself. This, like all royal decisions, was of the utmost importance and was not to be taken lightly. Finally, she decreed, "I declare this trade unfair!"

"As do I!" said the second.

"Then it it unanimous!" declared the third.

"What?!" cried a very upset stallion, "Why would you say that?"

"Yes", agreed the other, "I think you're the unfair ones."

"Well we do not." said Sweetie Belle. "And our word is law."

"That's not right! It's not it's not it's not! The whole point of a princess being here is to make everypony happy. If we would both have been satisfied, there is no reason for you t-"

"SILENCE!" cried Scootaloo. "A donut does not equal the value of a bagel and that is final!"

The crowd moaned.

"We want to trade things." said a mare in the back.

"And you may", replied Applebloom as she munched on the fruit which bore her namesake, "Just run your exchanges by us before you finalize them."

"But you declare the unfair! Every single time!"

Applebloom frowned and glared at her. How dare this mere mortal speak to her that way? She took the core of the apple in her hooves and hurled it over the crowd's heads, hitting the blasphemer square on the temple, rendering her unconscious.

"Guard, remove her from my sight."

The royal guard look from the Crusaders to the collapsed mare and back a number of times, internally struggling between orders and morality. Finally, he decided that apples were painful and removed the mare from the premises. Poor guy, he's been having a pretty bad day. Maybe he should have signed up for latrine duty.

"Now then... ", Sweetie Belle clapped her hooves together, "Anypony else have something for the princess to decide?"

The majority of the crowd chose to leave rather than deal with these madmares, but a few ponies remained behind.

"You aren't princesses", one stallion declared. The crowd gasped and gave him a look something akin to 'you should not have done that'.

"Excuse you." replied Scootaloo. "We're going to ignore that."

"No, don't ignore me. You aren't princesses and what you're doing here is not right. You are ruining the exchange!"

The crowd gasped once more at his audacity. This little pony had a death wish, and the new expression on their faces read 'why would you do that?'

But whatever, it was already too late to take his words back, but luckily, the Crusaders let him have his words back. The gave them back and made him eat them, literally. Apparently magic can do that. there's no point in dwelling on the subject though, the stallion undoubtedly regrets what he said, the stump of his foreleg serves as a constant reminder. Poor dude.

After having 'dealt with' the insolent unbeliever, the Crusaders decided maybe these ponies needed a reminder in who was in charge and why.

"Listen", Scootaloo said as she produced a scrap of paper from her saddlebag, "this document grants me an my friends official legal status as a single pony. Since I am a pegasus, Sweetie Belle here is a unicorn, and Applebloom is an earth pony, together we constitute an alicorn, and therefore are a princess. As the only princess in Rainbow Falls, OUR WORD IS LAW AND YOU MUST OBEY US! Is that clear?"

The ponies in the crowd groaned, "But we want to trade things and you keep saying no."

"Fine." said Applebloom. "If you want to trade stuff so badly, everypony here take the object in your hooves and pass it to the left."

What? What was this? This was not an improvement over the previous situation. If these ponies insisted on representing the government, perhaps it was time for a revolution.

"This is ridiculous." said one of the crowd, who had obviously not learned from the past two examples. " Who would even come up with a legal document like that?"

"I would." said a voice that emanated out of the thin air. And out of the words of the voice of the air stepped Discord, holding his aching head and trying to restrain a massive hangover.

"What?" said the crowd as one, "Why would you do that Discord, and how do you have the legal authority to do that?"

Discord replied, "For the why, you ponies are very skilled in the production of cider, I admire that greatly. Very strong stuff, made for horses and whatnot. I am afraid in my drunken stupor I used my powers for evil and created a document designed to cause pure chaos. I'm terribly sorry. As for the how, Celestia gave me a job in the government, I work for the IRS, so actually I had the means but not the authority to type up the document that I did. Sorry again. Let me set this right and be on my way."

With that, Discord quickly seized the paper from Scootaloo's grasp and turned to leave but stopped just before he did.

"Oh, I almost forgot", he reached into Applebloom's saddlebag and procured a small pendant carved in the shape of an alicorn. "Might want to get rid of this." he remarked.

Afterwards Discord took his instruments of nonsense and vanished into the air from whence he came. Leaving behind a mob of angry ponies and a collection of fillies not quite sure how to get out of this one. And that, dear reader, is why children should not get involved in politics.

Author's Note

This story has very little coherency and even less of a conflict. I hope you enjoyed it.