And just what do you call that act?
The Aristocrats!
By MagnetBolt
It had been a week since anything terrible had happened in Ponyville. That meant they were overdue for something awful to happen. If it wasn't for the excellent tax breaks that the local businesses enjoyed, most ponies would have packed up and left long ago. A combination of government subsidies for apple farming and a booming construction agency thanks to Sonic Rainboom damage meant that- well, this isn't a story about economics, so we'll save that for another time.
No, this is a story about politics. While it may seem that Ponyville has little to offer in the political realm, being essentially a backwater town that wouldn't have represented an important voting block even if Equestria wasn't ruled by immortal god-princesses, it in fact does have an important function, being the current home of the newest of those living deities.
Twilight Sparkle, despite being a princess and thus having the divine right to rule over all she surveyed, wasn't quite ready for royal duties. Her one ill-fated attempt to help her mentor at court had ended when she'd taken a metaphor literally and attempted to cut a foal in half. She'd been stopped before any real damage was done, but had been sent to study the magic of friendship and what it meant.
Mostly it meant that Celestia was able to compile a list of royal duties long enough to keep Twilight busy without accidentally giving her something to do where she could do damage.
Today, though, Twilight was literally studying the magic of friendship, and the spell she'd completed. She understood what that spell did, of course, but she was curious about what other applications the new form of magic could be bent to.
“Okay Spike. Are you ready for attempt number seventy-two?” Twilight asked.
Spike looked up from the scroll he was writing on and yawned. “Haven't we done enough? I don't even think the spell is doing anything.”
“Well it's based on the bonds between me and my friends, Spike,” Twilight sighed. “I was hoping I could use it to talk to them over a distance or bring us closer together, or maybe even borrow each other's special talents.”
“Can you imagine if everypony had Pinkie's talents?” Spike shivered. After a moment, Twilight did the same, the full implications dawning on her.
“Don't worry, Spike. There are natural laws that would keep that from happening. I'm sure of it.” She took a deep breath. “I'll just try one more thing, then we'll call it quits for today, okay?”
“I'm pretty sure it's already tomorrow,” Spike noted, looking at the clock. “Even if something happens everypony's going to be asleep. I don't see why you don't do it with everypony here.”
“Well, they said they didn't want to get caught up in any of my crazy magical experiments again after the time where I turned Fluttershy into a werewolf. But she got better and she should be used to it by now! She turns into something strange practically once a month anyway!”
“Most of the time she doesn't try to eat her animal friends, though.”
“Look, Spike, I apologized and got her a big fruit basket after we cured her. And those deer were getting too friendly anyway. It's improper.”
“If you say so.”
“Well I do,” Twilight said. “Anyway, here's the last variation we'll try tonight.” She focused, and her horn erupted into light. There was a flash of light as the magic hooked onto something, then... nothing. Twilight slumped, her flank banging heavily on the floor.
“Are you okay?” Spike asked, rushing over.
“That took more out of me than I thought...” She shook her head to clear her vision. “Did anything happen?”
“I don't think so,” Spike said, checking her over. “You're still you. Do you feel any different?”
“Just tired,” Twilight said, yawning. “Mark that one down as a failure too. I think you're right about needing the others here. I'll have to find a way to get them to agree to one or two little experiments. Maybe Pinkie can throw a party...” She yawned again. “We'll figure it out in the morning.”
***
That night, five ponies slept restlessly.
***
When morning arrived, Twilight was woken up by an urgent and unexpected knocking at the door. She pulled herself out of bed and to the library door, opening it to find...
“Applejack? What are you doing here so early?” She stepped aside to let her friend in. Applejack looked nervous. She had her hat pulled down and was wearing saddlebags that didn't seem to fit properly.
“Ah was just... in the orchard and ah remembered that ah needed to borrow a book. Fer... Apple Bloom's school reports. Yeah.” Applejack swallowed, her lips scrunching. “Ah don't suppose you have nothin' on Equestrian law as it relates to, uh, new pegacorns and such? Ah figured you might have somethin' bein' that you're one.”
“I'm an alicorn, not a pegacorn.” Twilight smiled. “And of course I do. But I think I know what the problem is. You don't have to be shy.”
“Huh?”
“I can see right through you,” Twilight noted. “It's obvious.”
“Oh no!” Applejack pulled her hat down tighter. “It is?!”
“Yep. Apple Bloom has to do a report on me, doesn't she?”
“That's...” Applejack stopped. “Yes. That's one hundred percent correct. Ya caught me, Twi.” She suddenly relaxed. Twilight nodded. Clearly, she just hadn't wanted to embarrass Twilight by telling her how the foals were doing reports on the local princess. It made sense that they'd want to include it in schools, of course.
“I happen to have the ninth edition of Hoofdel's Royal Precedent. I kind of needed it myself after everything that happened. Thankfully, it was all figured out in the courts after Cadence, well, became a princess herself. So I didn't have to deal with nearly as much paperwork as she did!”
“That's great, Twi.” Applejack smiled. “Ah just need to borrow that then.”
“No problem! I'll just go and-” There was a crash as a cyan pegasus exploded through the window in a rainbow blur. Rainbow Dash rolled to a stop and groaned, then stood. She was wearing a Wonderbolts novelty hat, a huge foam thunderbolt.
“Not very aerodynamic...” she muttered.
“Are you okay?!” Twilight asked, running over.
“I'm fine. I'll pay for a new window. Again. Um, hey, do you have a book on princesses and stuff? I need it for... reasons.”
“You need it for-” Twilight frowned and looked back at Applejack, then at Rainbow Dash. “Oh. I see how it is.”
“Y-you do?!” Dash fluttered up. Her wingspan looked bigger today for some reason. She'd probably been working out.
“Yep. You came to get a book for Scootaloo's report!”
“Scoot- yyyyes. That's it.” Dash nodded quickly. “Man, Twilight, I really can't put one over on you. You're just too smart for me. I promised her that I'd totally get the book, and what with me being all loyal, I couldn't just let her down. So here I am, getting it, and that's why I'm here so early and not for any other reason.”
“What in the hay is that hat for?” Applejack asked.
“I lost a bet,” Dash said, smoothly. It sounded practiced.
“Okay, well, I've only got one copy of Hoofdel's, and Applejack asked for it first-”
“Woah, woah!” Dash said, landing near Applejack and glaring at her. “First, nothing! I need that book, like, right now! It's super important!”
“Not as much as I need it,” Applejack noted.
“Look, AJ, you're like my best friend, so just trust me. I need it more than anything. You can have it after I'm done.”
“An' I'm bein' honest when ah say ah need it more than you!” Applejack said, leaning in dangerously.
“Girls!” Twilight yelled. They both turned to look. “No fighting! I mean, I get into fights over books all the time, but Celestia made me promise to stop. She said it wasn't becoming of a princess and I'd have to go to finishing school if I kept it up.”
“Finishing school?!” Applejack and Dash said at the same time, looking terrified.
“Oh, it's only a princess thing. I doubt she'd make you two go.”
“I don't think I want to, um, chance it,” Dash said, backing off.
Applejack nodded. “Yeah. Ah also, um, just don't feel like fightin' all of a sudden.”
“Good,” Twilight noted. “Now we just have to decide who gets the book-”
“A-hem!” Somepony said, from the door. Rarity burst in, wearing a fancy hat and a dress which, unlike her usual outfits, seemed to be cut incorrectly. It was all bunched up strangely around the middle. “Excuse me. I don't mean to be a bother, but I woke up and realized I absolutely needed a certain book from the library.”
“Let me guess,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You need to know about the legal precedent on princesses.”
Rarity looked taken aback. “What? How did you- you already knew?!”
“Well yeah, after Applejack and Dash told me.”
“How did you find out about-”
“Rarity, there's no need to be coy. I know you need the book for Sweetie Belle.”
“For Sweetie Belle?” Rarity looked confused.
“For the book report?” Twilight prompted. Rarity's eyes suddenly lit up.
“Y-yes! That's it! For a book report! Hahahaha!” The laughter seemed forced.
“Like I told them, I only have one copy, so you need to decide amongst yourselves which of you is going to get it,” Twilight said. Rarity glared at the other two.
“Though normally I am a generous pony, I absolutely MUST have this book. Not getting it would be- would be the worst thing ever!” She raised a hoof to her forehead dramatically.
“Ah, yeah, probably not,” Dash said, folding her hooves as she fluttered up.
“...Darling what is that THING on your head?”
“I lost a bet,” Dash repeated.
“Even so, no bet is worth wearing that.” Rarity tried to take it off, and Dash grabbed it, holding it to her head tightly.
“Don't!” She screamed. “It's, um, glued to my mane!” Rarity immediately stopped.
“It is?” She asked.
“It was a really serious bet,” Dash said, lamely.
“Well regardless, I absolutely must have-”
“Um excuse me, could I, um, come in, if it's not too much trouble?” Fluttershy asked, actually pushing Rarity out of the way a little as she came in, a large bird perched on her head. “Good morning, Twilight. I just need to, um, borrow a book.” After a moment, she added, more quietly, “and then I'll probably lock myself in my house forever...”
“Huh, what was that?” Twilight asked.
“Nothing!” Fluttershy said, being careful not to spook the bird on her head. It was large enough that it was hard to see her face.
“Okay, well, just let me finish with the others first.”
“If it wouldn't be too much trouble, I need a kind of strange book, and so if you could just help me get it, I'll be out of the way really quickly.”
“Well, what kind of book is it?” Twilight asked. “Let me guess- you need something on how to keep birds from perching on you.”
“Oh no, I asked him to stay there. I, um, just wanted to see what it was like to be a tree.”
“A tree?”
“Trees always have birds perching on them,” Fluttershy explained.
“I guess that's true,” Twilight said, skeptical.
“Anyway, I need a book about Equestrian law, and what happens when there's a new princess.”
“Wait, you too?” Twilight tilted her head. “Don't tell me you're doing a book report too?”
“A book report? Oh no. This is for, um, personal reasons. But they're very important. I heard that when Cadence became a princess there was a lot of panic and ponies thinking that the world was ending or that she'd stage a coup, and that some ponies wanted to throw her in the dungeon for heresy.”
“Heresy?!” Dash gasped. “What's that? It sounds bad!”
“It'd mean a crime against Celestia's teachings,” Rarity noted. “I heard something similar, though, and that Twilight only escaped because Celestia had a hoof in making things happen. I also heard that they can't own businesses, and that anything they create becomes public domain!”
“I heard that royalty is all exempt from military service,” Dash said. “And that's why Shining Armor gave up his position as Captain of the Guard! And that, hypothetically, if somepony was a princess and wanted to join the Wonderbolts, they couldn't, because they're above the military ranking system.”
“And ah heard that all the princesses have ta go an' stay in Canterlot!” Applejack said. “E'en if they have family countin' on them!”
“Well, some of that is true, I guess,” Twilight noted. “But it's not like that. Now that Cadence and I have become princesses, the legal bumps are all pretty much smoothed out, and no one gets thrown into dungeons. It's true that Luna and Celestia have made it kind of precedent that anything they make can be distributed freely, but they're funded by taxes, so it's not like they need the money. Plus copyright laws kind of fail when the creator is immortal.”
“What about the Wonderbolts?!” Dash asked, in a panic.
“Um... Princess Celestia and Luna... and me, I guess... are kind of in command of the guard. Oh wow, I have an army at my hooftips. I never realized that before. I bet I could get them to reshelve everything really quickly- I mean, um, anyway, since we're in charge of the military, technically you could say we're the commanders of the Wonderbolts and they answer to us. None of us are big fans of wearing uniforms, is all. Plus, can you imagine if I tried to do their tricks?”
“You'd crash,” Rainbow said.
“Exactly,” Twilight smiled.
“An' what about stayin' in Canterlot? You grew up in the palace!” Applejack stomped her hoof.
“That's true, I did grow up there. But I live here now. It's not like Celestia is forcing me to go back. This is my home. She knows I'm happiest here with my friends.”
“So, if, um, hyperbolically-”
“Hypothetically.”
“Yeah, that. If a princess didn't wanna go to Canterlot and get all involved with politics and such they wouldn't have ta?”
“I guess?” Twilight shrugged. “I mean, there's not a lot of legal precedent. There are only four alicorns, after all, and for most of a thousand years there was only one.”
Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all looked in various directions of away from Twilight, all of them trying to find the right words to continue the conversation, like they were working out the best way of breaking bad news to Twilight.
“...I feel I must say something,” Rarity said, stepping forward. “I have completely ruined this dress, and also I have not been entirely honest and I must tell you all something. I'm not sure when it happened, but I woke up this morning and...” She took a deep breath and stripped off the dress, revealing wings at her sides. Twilight gasped.
“Horsefeathers,” Applejack sighed. “Ah guess that explains a few things. Ah didn't think that dress looked right. You usually get them fitted perfectly. But ah have somethin' to say too.” She took off her saddlebags and tossed them aside, then moved her hat back to its normal resting position, revealing a horn and wings. “Same thing as Rarity. Got turned into a pegacorn sometime when ah was asleep.” She sighed. “Ah ain't told anypony yet because ah was worried ah'd have to leave Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Alicorn,” Twilight quietly corrected.
“Man,” Dash groaned. “And I thought I was gonna have this really cool reveal and then everypony would be all shocked! Now I wore this hat for nothing and this whole thing is like, 20% less cool.” She took off her novelty foam hat, revealing a horn growing from her forehead. “I was totally gonna tell people either way. Just, um, I was thinking of waiting until after I'd joined the Wonderbolts.”
“Ya really don't think somepony would have noticed?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.
“They never noticed that Gilda was a griffon until her third year of flight school.”
“Fair 'nuff,”
Before Fluttershy could make her own reveal, the bird on her head squarked and flew away, revealing her horn. She shrunk down, though she was obviously glad the decision had been made for her.
Twilight narrowed her eyes, looking at her four friends.
“...There isn't really a book report at all, is there?”
“...No, Twilight, there isn't,” Rarity said.
“Um, excuse me,” Fluttershy said, quietly. “I was wondering, um. Has anypony checked on Pinkie yet? If this happened to all of us, maybe something similar...” She trailed off as everypony went pale. Twilight ran outside, followed by the others.
A huge pink balloon rose over the horizon, sliding up to eclipse the sun. An ominous voice boomed through Ponyville, insane laughter echoing across the hills.
“Remember this boring day my little ponies. For it will be your last. From this moment forth, THE PARTY WILL LAST FOREVER!”
Author's Note
I got this stupid idea stuck in my head and had to let it out so it would stop bothering me.
Please, please, make the parties stop.
