Discord Insults

by PonyTom

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 3516

To deal with the boredom of immortality, Discord sends insults to ponies throughout Equestria...

Discord is immortal - or at the very least he's lived a really long time - and sometimes, that can get boring, especially when you've promised to be (relatively) good. So, he decides to reap another form of chaos and insult as many ponies in Equestria as he can!

I don't know, I was bored and wrote this. I apologize in advance.
Inspired by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged from HHG2TG and Arthur from Fable III

Published 2014-04-24 15:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-22 08:05:53 UTC

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

You're a self-righteous know it all who can't do squat without the aid of magical powers. I bet you only got where you are cause your family's rich, you pudgy little witch!

Yours sincerely, Discord

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

You're stupid. No, really, you're stupid. I've never seen a pony who could only learn while she's flying. You're learning disabled, and you know it.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

You're a pompous little gold digger from a hick town whose only real goal in life is to find a good looking stallion with money. Generosity indeed. On the bright side; this just about describes most celebrities, so you're well on the right track to marrying a rich stallion, having a horrible marriage, making headlines for accidentally exposing yourself in public, and dying in obscurity.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You're a wannabe poser who has no idea what she's up against. I've been breaking the laws of physics since before your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great (etc.) grandparents were in short pants, so there.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

You're a whimpering little wuss who cowers at the sight of her own reflection, and the whole world's waiting for you to play possum on a highway.

I've sent flowers and a box of chocolates so you know there's no hard feelings.

Sissy.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

You can't read

Yours sincerely, Discord

Cup Cake

Dear Cup Cake,

You're a cheating, lying slut. So your great aunt's second cousin twice removed was a pegasus? Then how did those genes get passed down to you? And I may not know much about genetics, but I know a lot about not making sense, and while I can see an atavism occurring several generations later, I don't think an entire breed of pony will pop up after five or six generations of earth ponies.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Carrot Cake

Dear Carrot Cake

You're a loser and a doormat who can't think on his own and you deserve every ale that brings upon you, you spineless wuss. Gotta give you credit though; you did hire Pinkie Pie, and don't think I don't know why you'd let a younger mare live in your house with you.

Just give in to the hatred and the thirst for revenge.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Lyra

Dear Lyra

You're a psychopathic lunatic who believes in silly things. Incidentally, humans are real, but you had no way of knowing that, you screwball.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Big Macintosh

Dear Big Macintosh

You're a fat behemoth of a pony and I'm willing to bet the reason you don't talk is because there's fat in your esophagus, fatty.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom

Good news; your parents are alive. Bad news; it's Applejack and Big Mac. Seriously, your "parents" were gone when they were foals, and Big Mac has to be in his thirties by now, where did you think you came from you sneaky little product of incest?

Yours sincerely, Discord

Winona

Dear Winona

Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark leg humper

Yours sincerely, Discord

Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo

You're an orphan, a cripple, and you're ugly? What is your special talent; adversity? Good luck making a career of that, you smelly unfortunate!

Yours sincerely, Discord

Scootaloo Part Twotaloo

Dear Scootaloo

I just found out you might be Fluttershy's daughter that she may or may not have abandoned after birth; you heard me right, you're so unlovable even the kindest of ponies threw you away.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Sweetie Belle

Dear Sweetie Belle

You're an annoying, scheming little robot and everypony knows it but you.

Self destruct code: I337 HAX0RZ.

Eat it, you defective android.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Vinyl Scratch

Dear Vinyl Scratch

You've got so many drugs in your system that if you were set on fire everypony within breathing distance would be tripping balls, which is good considering the music you force into their brains you talentless hack. Learn to actually make music, rather than mutilate the songs of other ponies.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Spike

Dear Spike,

You're a shameful specimen of the dragon race, you pint-sized pushover. You're a dragon; a creature of great resplendence and power, and your greatest achievement is playing drake-servant to a shut-in and your love interests prove you've got serious species-confusion issues going on, you poor little wretch.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Discord

Dear Discord

You're such a lunatic, you're writing yourself to insult yourself! Go to hell you psychopath, and take Fluttershy's little rabbit with you!

Mine sincerely, Discord

Angel Bunny

Dear Angel Bunny

You're an arrogant little bastard of a rabbit and your cause of death will be pushing Fluttershy too far, being skinned alive, and then becoming decoration in her shed.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Derpy Hooves

Dear Derpy Hooves,

You lazy-eyed little klutz, you dropped a piano on my head the other day! How do you drop a piano? Do you have no delivery skill whatsoever? If I hadn't been wearing Angel Bunny as a hat, I could have been seriously injured, you buffoon!
I hope you get fired, you menace to society!

Yours sincerely, Discord

Sombra

Dear King Sombra the Deposed,

You're dead, I'm alive, I'm the superior villain, you punk! Also, I can talk! See?

Go fall down a flight of stairs. Celestia knows you won't have a problem finding one.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Queen Chrysalis

Dear Chrysalis

So your special power is changing shape? That's something I do to pass the time when I'm not busy warping reality or bending the laws of physics, you incompetent little insect!

Yours sincerely, Discord

Maud Pie

Dear Maud Pie,

You're a pitiful, emotionally stunted freak of nature, and your obsession with geology is creepy, and rumor around the town is that you had a pregnancy scare after an intimate encounter, and the biggest, scariest thing about it was not knowing if the father was Tom or Rocky.

Yours sincerely, Discord

P.S. Rocks Suck

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear The Great and Powerful Trixie,

You are a smelly, displaced tavern wench! "Great and Powerful" the longest part of my ass; if you're so great and powerful, then why does your home have wheels? Get a real job, you horse-faced windbag!

Yours sincerely, Discord

Flim

Dear Flim,

You are a conniving, two-timing son-of-a-whore. No, really, I heard your mother was a whore. When you're done having a relationship similar to what Applejack has with Big Mac with your brother, Flam, try doing some real villaining for a change, you bedazzled nutsack.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Flam

Dear Flam

You are a rat-faced pile of fetid diapers. The only thing more disheartening than your half assed attempts at con-artistry is the homoerotic fuzz sprouting from beneath your nose, you hairy turd.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Flash Sentry

Dear ~~Pegasus Shining Armor~~ Flash Sentry

You are a smelly piece of uninteresting garbage. I've seen roadkill more promising than yourself, you indeterminate dry heave. You don't really do anything, don't have any memorable or unique traits, and somehow a gaggle of ponies still find you fascinating for no reason other than existing. If I ever go chaotic again, my first act will be to actually give you some personality, you wet fart.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

You are an overexposed piece of nutty fecal matter. You manage to steal the Element of Magic, having learned that it can be weaponized, and instead of stealing it again when monkey-world Flutterbutt gets her mitts on it, you try to win it fair and square, you stale-urine soaked meat-head. Given Twilight did the same thing, at least she has the excuse of being a good guy; you just didn't want it bad enough.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Princess Cadence

Dear Princess Cadence,

You are a quivering mass of unattended sexual fluids. I've seen ponies do unnatural things with magic - heck, I turned Ponyville into the Green Hill Zone - but messing with ponies and making them fall in love? Does Shining even love you, or did you do to him what Chrysalis did to him much later? If anypony should be sealed in stone for a thousand years, it's you, you over-hyped magical she-pimp.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Time Turner/Doctor Hooves

Dear ~~Doctor Who~~
~~Doctor Hooves~~
~~El Doctoro~~
~~Mayor Mare's Bitch~~
Time Turner

You are a time traveling bag of walking vomit. Sending this note to you is hell because I never know when you'll get it, or if the next time I see you if you've had it for five months or have no idea who I am yet or are already trying to resolve the New Lunar Republic's war for dominion of Equestria or what. If you're going to screw with normal ponies' lives, at least have the decency to let them know your current place in the universal timeline, you chronologically unsound sod.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Cheese Sandwich

Dear ~~Weird Al Ponyvich~~ Cheese Sandwich

You are a quivering mass of parodical fecal matter. Nothing about your existence is original. You're not the original party pony. Your songs all steal from other ponies. Your props are all just overcompensatingly larger copies of what Pinkie Pie has already done. The only thing you have that she didn't was a cock, and you gave that to her too.

Also, you gave her your rubber chicken, of which you had two, you cocaine-induced birth defect.

Sincerely yours, Discord

P.S. In your defense? All y'all party ponies are just trying to boost my style. I'm Discord, bitch!

Lightning Dust

Dear Lightning Dust

You are an arrogant wad of expired butch cheese. I mean really, as if we didn't have enough reason to doubt Rainbow Dash's sexuality, you had to come along and have a fling with her? I don't know if you're still trying to tap that plot, but in case you are Lightning Fart, cut it out; I've been trying to convert Fluttershy for five minutes now, and Rainbow is a vital part of that plan. You can always try to hook up with her old ex, Gilda; that bird has a lot of pent up frustration and I think you two would be good for each other.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Braeburn

Dear ~~Gay Big Mac~~
~~Little Big Macintosh~~
~~Gayburn~~
Braeburn

You are a jiggling mass of homoerotic gelatin. I don't know what brain damage you suffered to have volume control problems, but you don't always have to shout the name of your stupid desert town. The only thing you're good for is not polluting your family line with more inbred hicks with increasingly high odds of being born with extra hooves - you know, because you like another kind of fifth leg.

You're gay. You're totally gay, Braeburn.

Yours sincerely, Discord

P.S. You and Rambo Dash need to get together and have gay babies. I'm Discord, I can make it happen and nopony would be the wiser.

P.S.S Except for maybe you or Gaybo Butch. Depends on who would entertain me more being pregnant.

P.S.S.S Dash wins. I just imagined her trying to fly with a baby on board, and it made me laugh like crazy.

P.S.S.S.S Nah, changed my mind. Somepony else will get pregnant with yours and Dash's gay baby. Probably Angel. He'll swell like a balloon!

Tirek

Dear Butt Trumpet

You are a back stabbing, muscle-bound prick. What happened to all that respek you had for me, you two-timing asshole? You wouldn't have even had your five minutes of all-powerfulness if it hadn't been for me carrying you through the raid of Equestria; I'd have loved to see you solo the Princess Trio without me helping you power level, you newb! You'd have had your ass handed to you! Just remember, next time you break out of prison, don't underestimate the power of a shut-in princess, a workaholic, a poorly closeted lesbian, a cocaine addict, a slut, and a hippie.

Enjoy your stay in Hell, dick.

Yours sincerely, Discord

P.S. Next time you play Grand Theft Racial Powers, make sure you figure out where the game breaking MacGuffin is first.

Tree of Harmony

Dear ~~Pain in my Ass~~ Tree of Harmony

You make houses!? I've been homeless and crashing at Fluttershy's place for a year now! Hit me up with a condo! A trailer! Something! I smell like kibble and cat piss, you cheap-ass giving tree!

Go to hell!

Yours sincerely, Discord

Cerberus

Dear Fido

You are a whimpering sack of congealing semen. You had one job. ONE. JOB. And you still managed to screw it up! Thanks to your blathering incompetence, Equestria was nearly thrown into turmoil by not-me! You're proof of the whole 'one head equals one brain, three heads equals piss-for-brains' phrase. Next time you decide to let a millennium old criminal escape his imprisonment in Hell, it best be me, you under-performing three headed lapdog mongrel.

Yours sincerely, Discord

P.S. Winona's pregnant, and Twilight says the pups are otherworldly. Applejack's just mortified; how you managed it without killing the poor thing is a mystery. Now everypony wants to get her a doggy-abortion lest she birth canine apocalypse, but Fluttershy is trying to save the pups; needless to say, there's been a lot of singing lately. I need popcorn for while this drama unfolds.

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

You are a noodle-brained puss spigot! You never let the good guys roam free, no matter how indoctrinated they tell you they are! That's why you make them do something crazy that only a successful brainwashing can produce, like eat a bug or kiss each other or something! You're a terrible and gullible villain, and I hope you get lost in those caves and rot!

Sincerely, Discord.

Princess Luna

Dear Princess Luna,

You are the magical equivalent of a creepy girl who can't keep her nose out of anypony's dreams! It's because of you I sleep with a tinfoil hat, because otherwise you might invade my sleeping mind without my consent and see my innermost private dreams. I hope you accidentally wander into one of your sister's dreams, because given how juicy her secret diary is you'll learn a thing or two, and maybe you can finally get laid!

Yours sincerely, Discord.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Dear Discord,

The tinfoil hat doesn't work. Just remember that the next time you go to sleep.

Princess Luna.

Smooze

Dear Smooze,

You are the worst wingman in bromance history, you gelatinous mass of duck feces! I'm trying to make Fluttershy jealous, and instead of hanging with me and at least pretending you care, you go around eating everything in sight! It's a good thing you reproduce asexually, because there'd be no way you'd ever get laid otherwise, you stagnant pile of curdled semen!

Yours sincerely, Discord.

Tree Hugger

Dear ~~Tree Humper~~
~~Tree Haver~~
~~Tree Planter~~
~~Tree Rider~~
~~Tree Friend~~
~~Treant~~
Fluttershy's Hippie Friend

You are a wretched box of filth and semen. You irradiate a stench to up to a ten foot radius is best described as a mix of pot, fresh diarrhea, and shame. The only thing more shameful than your stench was the stickiness I felt every time I was foolish enough to make physical contact with you, and I supect the only reason Fluttershy likes you is because you remind her of her fetid, putrid, odorous house where animals defecate, pee, breed and die quite regularly.

Yours sincerely, Discord.

P.S. Fluttershy says hello.

Ponyville Post Office

Dear Representative of the Ponyville Postal Services,

You are an incompetent gathering of three month old afterbirth! Not only do you have the nerve to tell me I can't mail live bunnies to Zebrabwe, you can't even deliver something as important and valuable as a Grand Galloping Gala ticket to me on time! You incompetent boobs are so terrible at your jobs, I feel like I owe poor Fax Machine an apology; apparently if he didn't send Twilight's letters to Celestia for her, she'd never recieve them!

In response to your letter, though, I haven't seen your mail colt. I'm sure he'll turn up. Oh, don't worry if he's speaking backwards when you find him, that'll wear off.

Yours sincerely, Discord.

Gilda

Dear Gilda,

You are a mind-cringingly loudmouthed hate-chicken! Just because you're pissed off that Pinkie stole your girlfriend doesn't mean you lost the ability to not scream every other word that you spew from your bile-coated beak, you obnoxious pussycock, and I hope you cried when you realized Rainbow Dash wasn't offering you makeup sex.

Yours sincerely, Discord.

Granny Smith

Dear Granny Smith

That nopony has put together yet that you're a 500 year old mummy I'll never understand. I know you've been sacrificing your children and grandchildren for generations to retain your youth, and guess what? I've notified the Night Shift, and they're coming for you, you death-cheating hag! It's the least I can do for your overweight grandson, illiterate granddaughter and their incestuously conceived child.

Yours sincerely, Discord

Author's Note

The Night Shift is a reference to this story here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/57463/twilight-sparkle-night-shift

Shining Armor

Dear ~~Unicorn Flash Sentry~~
~~Twilight's darkest secret~~
~~Celestia's stallion-whore~~
~~Mister Cadence~~
~~Captain Useless~~
~~Dusk Shine~~
Shining Armor

You are an unimpressive sack of aged pus. I've seen useless ponies before; without animals and her duty as an Element, Fluttershy would never leave her house and spend all day writing terrible sexual fan fiction about her friends. But you... how did you even manage to make Captain? Parents pay your way in? Blackmail? Kiss flank? Do other things to flank? Do other things to Celestia's flank? I'm sure by now you noticed I never threw 'skill' on that list. If it weren't for Twilight Sparkle, her friends, and your wife's ability to use black magic to forcibly alter ponies' feelings in ways that I feel would justify reinstating the Equestrian Inquisition, I'd say you'd be dead several times over.

Speaking of Caddy, I'm looking to join the Pony Tossing games. Any pointers? Fluttershy's not a good flyer, but she can glide pretty nicely (years of hanging around animals has allowed her to pick up multiple parasites that seem to eat most of her food before she can digest it; to the point it's almost an eating disorder, really, so she's really light. She won't take meds to get rid of them because she feels that would be mean. Better get back to me on that soon before they finish her off).

Yours sincerely, Discord.

Zecora

Dear Zecora

You are a tired, striped bag of piss.

If you died today, nopony would miss

Your petulant rhymes

Those literary crimes

And I don't follow rules, so try haiku.

Yours poetically, Discord

P.S. What did you give Fluttershy last time she visited you, your freakin' drug lord? She's been rolling around and snuggling against everything and everypony! I will admit, it was disturbingly cute at first, but now it's just normal disturbing, and she's making everypony uncomfortable.

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell? I found my insult letter writing pen in your secret drawer; you know, the one with the bondage gear, the whips, the various toys and the 'emergency numbers', one being a doctor in Manehattan and the other being an orphanage in Ponyville. Hey, have you ever met Scootaloo?

Anyway, I've been looking for this thing for ages! Now I'm way behind on all of my lovely writing antics!

I suppose that I should write you a report on friendship now that I can. Ahem...

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned you're a dirty slut.

Yours sincerely, Discord.

Cranky and Matilda Doodle

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Doodle,

You two are incompetent, dimwitted lesser creatures! That you hired ~~Derpy~~ ~~Ditzy Doo~~ ~~Muffins~~ the lazy-eyed klutz to send your wedding invitations out is a sign that your marriage is as doomed as the poor mail colt that the Postal Service could never find. You're both asses, so there!

May you have many happy years.

Sincerely yours, Discord

Dear Steve Magnet,

You are an ass! Poor Matilda was quite reasonably afraid of her botched wedding being a precursor to hers and Cranky's completely doomed marriage and you decide to make it worse? Now, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing, but you were honor-bound to be more supportive than that to your best friend's wife-to-be, you great big gay lizard.

Sincerely yours, Discord

Dear Bugbear,

You are a great big gay lizard! What the hell happened? If you didn't like Fluttershy's tea you didn't have to go on a rampage and destroy Ponyville! This is why nopony ever invites you to parties, you dimwitted lesser creature!

Sincerely yours, Discord