Starlight in a Broken Vessel

by the-pieman

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 487696

Something arrives in Equestria, unconcious, and without any warning. Will it be a new friend, a very deadly foe, or just a general pain in the rear?

Waking up in this magical land of talking candy-colored ponies was no fun. However, now I'm either a monster to be feared or a hero to adulate, and I can't help but get the sneaking suspicion that bigger things than myself are happening where I can't see them…

Character tags will come and go with the story as needed, as it is both a long story, and one with only a framework of what is to be ahead pre-scripted.

Rating may change in the future.

Built using a Tier 4 power set here:
Power Lottery Challenge Site
This tumblr blog is for talking with Anthony, the main character, not the author.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-09 19:47:05 UTC

Chapter 2

“Uh-huh. And what exactly are you, Miss Sparkle?”

“I’m a Unicorn.”

A unicorn? Yeah, right, I had to laugh at least a little.

“Is... something funny?”

“Yeah, now come on, what are you really?”

“Erm, I’m a pony.”

“Okay, fine, whatever. What other questions do you have?”

“Well, I was going to ask your age, but now that you’ve brought up species...”

“Human.”

“Huh?”

“I’m a human.”

“That’s definitely new... spell that please?”

As I spell it out, I hear another one of the voices from earlier.

“Huh... what’ with the li- Ohmygosh! It- it’s awake!”

“Hello.”

“It talks too! Uh, I mean... uh, hello.”

“Let me guess, you’re a unicorn too.”

“Uhm, no, I’m a p- pegasus.”

“Right. Well, at least there’s a variety. I suppose the next one is a Jabberwocky.”

“A what?”

“Nevermind, guess you don’t like Lewis Carroll.”

“What?”

I have to roll my eyes. “He’s an author. A rather famous one at that.”

Twilight responded this time. “An author? I’ve never heard of him.”

“Oh come on, everyone’s at least heard of his books. Everyone knows Alice in Wonderland.”

“I... I haven’t. Wow, a popular book I’ve never read... I’ve got to look for this one.”

The scribbling noise again. I assume she’s writing down the title.

“What’s with all the yapping? Some of us are trying to sleep!”

“Rainbow Dash! He’s awake!”

“You mean the bald thing?”

“I am not bald, I’m barely twenty, no way I’m losing my hair!”

Scribbling. Well, guess I did answer one of her questions.

“Oh come on, you’ve got as much hair on you as a shaved cat!”

The lights flick on and I’m immediately face to face with a pair of red eyes.

“Holycrap!”

Startled, I fall back.

“Hah! Scaredy-cat!”

I notice now that she has wings, and is rather equine-shaped, though with a few liberties taken. Guess that could count as a pegasus. Her hair was also rainbow-striped. Guess that could be a good reason to be named Rainbow Dash.

She also had a muzzle. Perfect.

“Oh yeah well... Got your nose!”

I was now holding her snout, squeezing her mouth shut.

“What’s the matter, horsey? Scaredy-cat got your tongue?”

I swear, that is the most menacing look I’ve ever seen on a quadrupedal mythical creature.

“That’s enough!”

Suddenly, I am lifted off the ground, pulled away from Rainbow Dash.

“Come on Twi, put me down, he’s asking for it!”

“Wait, you’re doing that?”

I look at Twilight. She simply nods and sets us down on opposite sides of the room. I take this chance to actually look at my surroundings in the light. Books everywhere, most likely a library.

Anyway, yeah, Twilight has freaky powers and a horn, now that I can see it. Okay, maybe she is a unicorn after all, but perhaps not the ‘Farting rainbow dust and barfing kittens-shaped cupcakes’ variety.

Mental image funny, must laugh.

“Hahahaha... oh man, I am so totally nuts right now.”

“Huh?”

“This is the craziest dream I’ve ever had.”

“Dream?”

“Yeah, I mean, come on. Magical winged horses? I have to be asleep still. I’m probably at home in bed. My alarm’s gonna go off and wake me up any moment now.”

I stare up at the ceiling and await the obnoxious buzzing noise that signifies morning.

“Uhhh... This isn’t a dream.”

“Oh yeah? I’ll prove it.”

“How?”

“My my, Rainbow-Dork, is that a challenge?” I smirk.

“It is now! Come on, show me what you got!”

She is now rearing up and... I suppose trying to be menacing.

“Sorry, I don’t feel like fighting someone who isn’t going to win.”

“Oh, it’s on now!”

“Bring it, Rainbow Ditz. Dream powers, go!”

I decide to turn into a giant monster, and unsurprisingly, I start to get bigger. At this point, I’m five times my normal height.

“Holy...”

The three of them are staring at me in shock.

“How...”

Being a dream, I decide to say something cool.

“Come at me, bro!”

Hey, it sounded cool in my head, plus, it doesn’t matter because I’m huge.

“What is that *yawn* awful din?”

I notice three other ponies. The speaking one is white.

I decide to respond.

“I am your God now, bring me ice cream!”

“Holy-moley, it’s gone all grow-y! Can I have some ice cream too? I love ice cream!”

The pink, poofy-haired one. Heh, I like this one already.

“Twi... what did you do?”

The orange one. Quite the rural accent on this one.

I decide to just bask in their shock and let them continue.

“I- I didn’t... he... he just...”

“Are you tellin’ me this thing did that itself?”

“I don’t understand either...”

“Wow, this is the most exciting morning I’ve ever had! Well, maybe not more exciting than the time...”

I start to just tune her out. Not like it matters.

“Twilight, do something!”

“Like what?”

“Yes, that’s right, nothing you can do now! Now bring me my ice cream before I roast you all with my atomic breath!”

“S- seriously?”

“Well, you didn’t really do anything wrong, so I suppose I won’t hurt you... But I still want that ice cream.”

Twilight approaches me. “How about a deal? You go back to normal, and I get you some ice cream?”

“Deal!”

I decide I wouldn’t want to risk banging my head on anything anyway, so I shrink back to normal. As soon as I do, a gallon carton of ice-cream floats out from another room.

“Here you go.”

I look at the carton. “Rocky Road?”

“Uh, yeah...”

I lean in close to Twilight, making her nervous. I stare deep into her eyes, getting so close I can hear her ragged breathing.

I scratch her behind the ear. “Good pony.”

“I... I... What?”

“Okay, I’ve had enough of you!” Rainbow Dash yells.

Before I can even blink, she’s in front of me, holding the carton of ice cream. Suddenly, the carton was much closer. Like, mashed-into-my-head kind of close.

“Ow! That hurt!”

“Good!”

Sudden realization. “Th- that hurt. Oh, crap.”

Chapter 3

This is bad. I quickly run to a shelf and open a book.

“Ohhhhhhhh no.”

I could read. It’s not possible to read in dreams...

“Okay, I suppose an apology is in order...”

“An... apology?” Rainbow Dash seemed rather confused.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I thought this was all a dream, so I was kind of a jerk. I figured that since it wasn’t real there wouldn’t be consequences for my actions.”

Twilight looked a bit thoughtful. “Well, I suppose that makes sense, and you didn’t really hurt anypony... I accept your apology.”

She puts her hoof up towards me, so I take it in my hand and shake it.

This time the pink one was jumping up and down asking a million questions. But she slows down for the last one. “And how’d you do that growing thing!?”

Another epiphany. “I... I don’t know! I can’t do that! Well, I never could before...”

This got a collective “What!?” from the lot of them.

“Yeah, so I can grow now. I wonder...”

I concentrate hard on changing size again. I look up. I didn’t change. “Awww man.”

“You could only do it once?” Twilight asked, now levitating a quill and her notepad.

“Maybe, I’m not sure. I was trying to shrink.”

Rainbow Dash had a rather incredulous look on her face. “Why would anypony want to be small?”

“Because it has plenty of advantages.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

“Whatever.”

“So now what?”

“I suppose we can figure out exactly what you can do.”

I put on a rather snarky grin. “Well, I can read and write, I’m good at video games and-”

“I didn’t mean like that.” Twilight said, an annoyed look on her face.

“I know.”

“Well, then why answer like that? It doesn’t make sense!”

“But making sense isn’t fun.”

For some reason, this gave them all a start. Now they’re looking at each other.

“What’s with the worried looks? I’m just playing around. You know, like a game.”

Now they are all staring at me. Suddenly, a blinding flash from Twilight and now they’ve all got these weird choker-necklaces, except Twilight, who has a tiara.

“I’m going to say this once, and only once. Leave us alone Discord, or you go back to being stone.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know how you got out, and I don’t really care. Now get out of here, Discord!”

“Who?”

Again, I’m staring at Rainbow Dash’s eyes. “Don’t give us that! As soon as we turn our backs, you’re going to fly off and start messing with Equestria!”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sorry Discord, we aren’t falling for that!” Twilight exclaimed.

Her eyes started to glow a bright white, and the six of them flew into the air around her.

A rainbow-colored ribbon of energy formed between their necklaces, spiraling around and connecting to Twilight’s tiara.

“What the-”

A blast of rainbow energy flew up, and began to descend in an arc.

I put up my arms to protect me, silently wishing that whatever was about to happen wouldn’t hurt.

Seconds pass. Nothing happens. I open my eyes, the ponies are on the ground again, and rather surprised.

“Uh... what was that?”

Twilight pulls the other five into a huddle, putting up a magic barrier around them. It seems to be blocking out sound, as I can see them talking, but I can’t hear them.

Finally the pink bubble dissipates and the six ponies turn to face me.

“Okay, you aren’t Discord, but we still don’t know what happened.”

“Neither do I. Suddenly you’re all angry and shoot rainbows at me. Not very effective, as I didn’t feel anything at all.”

“That’s what we’re curious about. How’d you negate the Elements of Harmony?”

“The what?”

Twilight sighed heavily, her hoof to her face “The giant rainbow thing.”

“Oh. I dunno. I just didn’t want it to hit me.”

Twilight looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.

“But... well, it didn’t hit you. That’s the problem...”

“How’s it a problem?”

“Well, normally, if the Elements wouldn’t have worked, we either wouldn’t have been able to use them at all, or the beam would hit but change nothing. What you did... was stop the Elements!”

“So...”

“I’m taking you to Princess Celestia.”

“Oooh, a princess. Is she hot?”

Now they all gave me the cow-look.

“What? Is she ugly or something?”

Cue collective gasp.

Rainbow Dash spoke up first “You shouldn’t say anything like that about Princess Celestia...”

“Celestia? Hmmm... if the name is meaningful, then I’d assume she has some connection with an interstellar object or is an interstellar being herself.”

“Well... you got the first part right, I suppose.” Twilight replied. “Anyway, we should get her over here.”

“So when will this princess show up?”

“When she’s able to, she’s probably very busy.”

“With what? She’s a princess! They’ve got, like, zero responsibility. Let the King handle it.”

This time Fluttershy responds. “We, uh, don’t have a king. Or a queen. We just have Princess Celestia and her sister Luna.”

“What kind of weird hierarchy do you crazy horses even have?”

“One that’s worked for over 2,000 years straight.” A curt reply from the white fancy one. Rarity I think I heard them say.

“Anyone around to prove that?”

“Huh?”

“Well, unless someone who was that old, other than the one who says it’s true that is, says it’s true, I’m gonna say that sounds like propaganda.”

Another collective gasp. Are these ponies part fish or something?

Suddenly bright light.

“Geez, does anybody give any warning, or do they turn on the floods whenever the heck they want?”

When I can see again, I notice a new pony. Well, more like a horse. She was... big. Like, about as tall as me. She also looked rather important, a certain royal air around her.

“I suppose you’re Celestia?”

“Yes I am. I have come to meet you.”

“Of course you did, I’m awesome.”

“Quite the attitude, I see.”

“Don’t like me? Send me back.” I stick my tongue out at her.

“I don’t have any idea how you even got here, or where you came from.”

“That’s easy, I came from my mom.”

This earned a chuckle from the Princess. “A comedian as well, you certainly are interesting. Especially with the information my faithful student has sent me.”

“And what information is that.” I fein horror. “She didn’t tell you anything... naughty did she?” I accentuate the word further by wiggling my eyebrows.

“No, she did not. Also, your crass humor isn’t entirely appreciated.”

“Not entirely? Does that mean you like it a little?”

“I’m not going to continue this conversation, Mr. Anthony.”

“Oh, very well. And here I thought you’d be fun. So boring, Celestia.”

She blinked at this. “Hmmm...”

“Finally realize you’re a stick in the mud?”

By this point, the four of the ponies have their jaws on the floor, Fluttershy is fanning Twilight who has fainted.

“I wouldn’t test me, Anthony.”

“Why? Afraid you’d get a bad grade?”

She provides me with the second facehoof I’ve seen. “I’m not sure if I want to be your friend, or roast you.”

“I love you too!” I give her a hug. She’s actually rather warm, her fur is soft.

“Ahem, yes, well... I will be taking us to Canterlot now.”

After the flash subsides, we are somewhere else. A large room. A pair of thrones at the top of some steps.

“You know, you could make millions in Vegas.”

“As much as I’d, er, enjoy continuing our small-talk, I would like to know more about you.”

“Oh, of course.”

“Thank you, start with yourself.”

“Okay. I’m almost twenty, am a bit of an introvert, and I’m looking for a girl who-”

“Anthony, please, this is serious.”

“Oh, fine, fine. I don’t know how I got here, and somehow, I can become super-giant.”

“Could you... demonstrate?”

“Only if I get ice cream.”

Rarity piped up “Oh, not this again.”

“Hey, ice cream is good!”

“He’s right, ice cream is delicious!” The pink one agrees.

“Finally, a pony who’s talking sense!” I give the pony a high five.

Celestia sighs. “How about this, if you answer my questions, you will get all the ice cream you want.”

I grin wide, causing Celestia to make an addendum to her statement. “Until the end of the day.”

“Define ‘end’ of the day.”

“...midnight.”

“Deal!”

Chapter 4

I feel awesome. So does Pinkie Pie. We had a chance to bond while she took advantage of my temporary infinite supply of ice cream. That pony can sure put it away. Seriously, if I wasn’t watching her with my own eyes, I’d swear she was stashing it somewhere.

“Pinkie, you know what I love about this?”

“Everything?”

“Totally.”

We laugh for a while, but soon Pinkie Starts shivering. “So... cold... brrrrrr.”

“Yeah, ice cream is cold, didn’t you know?”

“Y- yes, silly, I just f- forgot.”

“Hugs are warm.”

Suddenly I am glomped by Pinkie. No complaints here.

Then she asks me a question.

“So, what was with the glowing and the growing?”

“I don’t know how I grow, but I just can. As for the glowing, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh yeah, you were asleep. You were asleep forever!”

“Hey, I like sleeping, is that a crime?”

“No.”

“Good, otherwise I’d probably be a felon, and they’d throw me in prison.”

“I’d break you out.”

“How?”

“I’d bake you a cake and hide something like a file in it.”

“But if you get caught, you might get thrown in prison too.”

“But if we get the same cell, it’d be like a sleep-over that never ends!”

“...Pinkie?”

“What?”

“You’re a great friend. I’ve never met anyone who can take my crazy comments and just make it work.”

“Awwwww.”

The glomp becomes a normal hug.

“Uh... a’hm not... interruptin’ nothin’, am ah?”

Applejack, can’t mistake that accent. I decide to respond in kind.

“I reckon ya ain’t. ‘less yew wanna make somethin’ o’ this?”

“Uh... nah, ah’m fine... Anyways, Twi told me to come get you.”

“Oh, fine, I suppose I’ve eaten enough ice cream.”

“Speaking of, why aren’t you cold?” Pinkie asked.

“Dunno.”

“You wanted to see me Twilight?”

“Yes. You see, the Princesses and I are the leading experts on the Elements of Harmony, but what you’ve done... it’s unheard of.”

“Maybe they just didn’t speak loud enough?”

“Anthony, please... I’m serious, this is big. You did something that shouldn’t be possible.”

“Okay Twilight, I understand. I just don’t have any point of reference, so I don’t really understand what’s important.”

“You for one. You’ve pulled off an amazing feat that not even the most powerful beings history has known could do.”

“Oh. Wow. That is pretty big, huh?”

“And that’s not the strangest part.”

“Huh?”

“The Princesses and I agree that technically speaking, with enough magic power, anything is possible. But you don’t have magic. It’s... something, but whatever it is definitely is not magic. And even if it is, then it’s a form of magic we’ve never discovered.”

“So... I’m pretty important, huh?”

“I need more information, but with everything you’ve told Celestia...”

“Yeah, I admit, this is all new to me.”

“Can you grow again for me?”

I concentrate on my size. Growing. Expanding.

I imagine my body becoming massive. I open my eyes and I look down, seeing a much smaller Twilight.

She looks up at me and back at her notes, scribbling frantically.

“Say ‘Ah’ please.”

“Huh?”

“Close enough.”

I hear her mumble something, but I can’t make it out. Whatever it is, it’s in her notes now.

“You can go back to normal now.”

I decide to oblige. Being so big is a bit disorienting.

“I have... another question.”

“Ask away.”

“Well... you’re wearing clothes...”

“Yeah.”

She starts to blush a bright crimson. “I, uh... I’d like to, er... see.”

“Oh Twilight, you dirty little girl. I’d at least like a date first, not just anybody can get all of this.”

I gesture at my body in a provocative manner.

“I- I don’t mean like that!” Suddenly, Twilight has an evil grin on her face. Uh oh. “Although, I can understand if you don’t want to. After all, it’s not like you probably have anything too important to hide.”

“Oh, you wanna play it that way?”

“Why not?”

“Maybe you just want an excuse to see my naked body.”

her eyes narrow, and grin widens. “Maybe I do.”

“What?”

“Oh, are you deaf? I’m sorry.”

“I’m not deaf, I just... what?”

“Problem? No witty retort?”

“Uh-”

“Can’t take what you dish out, huh?” So that’s her game.

“You think you can out-do me?”

“Pretty sure. Shouldn’t be hard.”

“You got guts, but also delusions.”

“Oh yeah? How’s this for delusions?”

A flash of light and... I feel odd. Twilight is now laughing uncontrollably. I look down. I look normal, but I still feel off.

“You did something!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Liar!”

“Oh, you got me, I lied.”

“What’d you do?”

“Not telling.” She sticks her tongue out at me as I frantically search for a mirror or any reflective surface, but to no avail.

“What’d you do!?”

“Maybe I’ll tell you, maybe not.”

“Tell me.” I’m done joking, this has gone too far.

“No.”

I step closer to Twilight. “Tell me.”

“Never.” That stupid grin on her face...

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

“Woah... gotta write this down...”

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

“Hmmm, it seems Twilight has gotten... quite a reaction from Anthony.” Celestia mused. “Guard? I’d like you to go with me to Twilight’s temporary quarters. There’s a matter we must attend to.”

“Yes, Princess, at once.”

I’ve been angry before. Very angry... but I’ve never been this mad. I don’t know why but this purple horse has just gotten me so riled up, I actually experience what people describe as ‘Blind rage’. Though I didn’t think it would be so bright, but right now, I don’t care. This darn pony is gonna...

“Anthony, look!”

Twilight has conjured a mirror in front of me. What I see is... astonishing. I’m glowing. Like, my body is just... glowing. A pale cyan aura, my visible skin now a sort of grayish-blue... and partially see-through. I don’t have eyeballs, just spots of light, like stars planted in my head. I blink, and then I’m suddenly back to normal. My clothes didn’t seem damaged at all, and I don’t feel any different.

The entire time, Twilight has been frantically taking notes, her quill a blur as she magically scribes what she sees. She’s already gone through one ink well.

Suddenly, Celestia, a pony in armor, and another bigger pony, this one a pretty midnight blue, her flowing, shimmering mane much more subdued than Celestia’s, but still just as incredible. There’s no mistaking it, this had to be Princess Luna.

Chapter 5

“Hello, Princesses.” Twilight smiled wide. “I think I’ve made a breakthrough.”

“I suppose so. Or at least made our new arrival very angry.” Luna began inspecting me, looking over my body as she levitates me closer to her. “And what a strange new arrival this is. I must admit, when my sister told me about you, I assumed she was exaggerating.”

“Uh, could you put me down, please?”

“Oh, of course, my apologies.”

“So.” Twilight returned everyone’s attention to her. “This discovery I made was executed with the help of a spell on my part, so I’m not sure exactly how accurate my notes would be in a natural occurrence.”

“Yeah, so what’s the spell? What’d you do to me?”

“It was, er... an emotion spell. It temporarily enhanced your emotional reactions, so when you got angry, you got very angry.”

“So you did that, and then started messing with me to rile me up and get a reaction?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Don’t do that again, please.”

“May we know why?” Luna was still inspecting me, though this time without any magical interaction.

“Because I don’t want to be that angry ever again.” I get a little sad. “I was... so... furious. I’ve been angry before but... this is the first time I ever seriously considered hurting someone. Specifically you, Twilight.”

“Oh...” Twilight was at a loss for words. I don’t blame her. No matter how angry I’ve gotten, I’ve never hurt anyone. Caused some property damage, sure... but never hurting anyone. “And, a few moments ago... I was ready to strangle you. Please, never do that again. No more magic spells on me without letting me know what it does and why.”

Celestia ponders for a moment. “I suppose that’s a reasonable request. Very well Anthony. Anyways, the reason why I’m here. With a guard.”

Twilight immediately brightened at the chance to share her knowledge.”Well, I’m not sure how safely we can replicate the events that caused it, but-”

“I started glowing.”

Twilight was upset at the interruption. “Yes. He glowed.” I think she might be mad. “Anyhow, I took some notes-”

“Obviously.”

“Could you please stop interrupting me?”

“Maybe for more ice cream.”

Twilight let out a frustrated groan. “Just be quiet!”

Suddenly, my mouth felt tingly. I checked it and my mouth felt fine. I ask what she did. Wait, no I don’t. I can’t speak! I gesture wildly at Twilight.

“That was just to help things go a bit smoother. You will be able to talk once we are finished.”

I stomp the floor repeatedly in anger.

“My, I never would have guessed something this large would act like such a child.” Luna’s words stung. I pull up a chair and sit it the corner quietly. Not that I have much choice in the latter case.

Twilight brought her notes out. “Now, as I was saying...”

“This is quite interesting.” Luna mused. “And a bit strange. As trustworthy as you are, Twilight Sparkle, I must admit I am skeptical. I have not seen any evidence of this creature being much more than a large hairless monkey.”

That’s it, she could be Princess of the whole galaxy, but that was too far. I get up and walk towards Luna. Once I’m within arm’s reach, I give her a smile and flick her nose. Hard.

“Agh! Impudent welp! I will give you one chance to apologize!” She is now holding me in her magical grasp once more.

Apologize she says? But I can’t possibly do that with the muting spell Twilight had placed on me. I convey this by holding Luna’s ear up, and screaming into it with as much volume as I could muster. That is, to say, none at all.

“You have quite the nerve.”

And you use quite the shampoo, is what I want to say, but obviously I make no sound.

I raise my hands in a ‘bring it on’ motion, holding my fists in front of my face in a comedic manner.

“Surely you jest.” Came her curt reply.

I rush at her, a bit faster than she could react, and throw myself onto her, giving her a big hug and a noogie.

Luna is not amused. “You are sure this creature is not the product of Discord’s antics?”

“We checked the garden, he is still encased in stone. I assure you, sister, he is doing this of his own volition.”

Luna pursed her lips. “How annoying.”

I give her a kiss on the cheek and hop on top, riding her like, well, a horse.

She immediately bucks me off, sending me into the wall behind her.

It seems Twilight’s spell has worn off, because I actually make a sound with my reply. “Did anyone catch the number on that bus? It must’ve hit me with, like, one horsepower. Maybe half that.”

“I liked you better silent, but not by much.” Luna was fuming. I was having a blast.

“And I liked you... hold on, let me think.”

“Spineless creature! Feel the wrath of your superior!”

“Really? Chuck Norris is here!?” Since I spent my time making a retort, I don’t have time to move as Luna shoots a dark blue beam of magic my way. “Oh, this is gonna hurt.” I hold up my arms to protect my face, hoping I’d come out of the ordeal unaffected.

And I do. I lower my arms tentatively, and I see Twilight and the Princesses staring at me in shock, Luna with her mouth hanging open.

“That’s it! That’s what happened when we used the Elements of Harmony on him!” Twilight spoke up.

“I see it, but... I don’t believe it...” Luna was still completely shocked. “How could you possibly?" Luna turned to Twilight. “Not even the Elements?” When Twilight nodded, Luna sat down on her haunches, unable to think of what to do next.

“That is quite the power you have, my little pony, er, human.” Celestia blushed at her slip of the tongue.

“Yeah, and I glow in the dark, too! Now I’ll save tons of money on candles and lanterns!”

Luna still hadn’t said anything. She looked... completely defeated. It broke my heart to see anyone so sad. Especially her, for some reason. I was kind of a jerk. I kneel down and wrap my arms around her.

“I know I seem like a pain, but I honestly don’t wish any ill on anyone. I just... I like to laugh, and sometimes, I have to be my own source of humor.”

Luna nodded, returning the hug. “You will need some instructions on what constitutes good humor... but I suppose  you are a decent being at the very least.”

“We seem to have one matter unresolved, still.” We all look towards Celestia as she continues. “Where will Anthony be staying while here in Equestria?”

Suddenly, a bright-pink blur rushes in, and is now in the center of the room, shaking in excitement. Pinkie Pie. Of course.

“Can he stay in Ponyville with us!?” Pinkie was grinning like she shook a few screws loose when she made her mad dash. Not wasting any breath, if she even needed to breathe that is, Pinkie started on a mantra.

“Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? Can he? puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeease!?”

“Well... I suppose that couldn’t hurt.” Celestia admitted. “Plus, getting some ponies to get to know him would probably benefit the populace. I fear strange rumors about a monster in Equestria may have already started to spread.”

“Alright, I’ll stay in Ponyville.” Pinkie, overjoyed to hear this, starts saying something about a ‘Welcome Party’ a ‘giant cake’ and something about a rubber chicken. “On one condition.”

Twilight facehoofed and groaned. “Not more ice cream...”

I fein astonishment. “Twilight Sparkle! I’m surprised you consider me to be of a one-track mind. I’m aware that there is more to life than frozen desserts. My condition was that I get to stay with you in your library.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight was noticeably confused. “Why Golden Oaks?”

“Because I like to read, and if I live in a library, getting a book isn’t as hard as, say, going outside.”

“You are one of the strangest creatures I’ve ever met, Anthony.” Luna responded.

“Awww, I love you too!”

“That... wasn’t necessarily compliment...”

“I know that, you silly pony. Hug time!” With that I squeeze Luna in a bear hug, Pinkie Pie jumping in between us to join in the hug.

"So it’s settled. Anthony will be staying at the library with Twilight for the time being.” Celestia had moved us to a proper conference room, calling in the rest of Twilight’s friends.

Nods and murmurs of agreement fill the room.

“On the upside, I’ll be able to study you easier.”

I turn to Twilight. “Upside? You imply that being in my extended presence could nonplus you in any way, shape or form?”

“Yes. Yes I do.” Twilight deadpanned in response.

“What!?” I yell. I decide to accentuate this by increasing my size once more. In the much larger space of the meeting hall, I have the chance to become much larger than before as a result.

I pick up Twilight, my form making her about as large as my open palm. Twilight gulps as I hold her close to my face, eyes narrowed. I contract my fingers around her, making her fully aware I could squish her by simply making a fist.

I bring her as close as I can, and whisper “I lick you.”

“What?” Twilight confused once again. This is too easy. And fun.

I do as I said I would, flicking my tongue out and sliding it along Twilight’s back, earning a disgusted exclamation from both Twilight and Rarity.

I put Twilight down and return to my normal size, smacking my lips.

“What the hay!?”

“No, not hay. You taste more like raisins.”

Luna spoke up once more. “I again feel the need to check on Discord’s statue...”

I get back in my seat, a guard bringing Twilight a towel. “So, who exactly is this Discord fellow you all keep mentioning?”

Chapter 6

We stayed in the meeting hall as the six ponies and both Princesses relayed all the information, both general and personal, they had on Discord.

Twilight being the last one to offer her experiences, finished her little triad. “And that’s Discord, Spirit of Chaos.”

I nod. “Sounds like a neat guy. I’d like to meet him.”

The six ponies stare at me in shock, Princess Celestia offering her thoughts on my comment. “Didn’t you hear what we said?”

“Of course I did. I heard every word from all of your stories.”

Twilight stood up. “Then why would you say you want to meet him?”

“Well, you all, and I do mean all, seem to have some gripe with Discord. On the rare occasion I heard any form of compliment, it was immediately followed by a mentioning of something he did that each storyteller considered awful. I’m not going to judge someone solely based on what others say. I’d like to meet him and get to know him myself. That way I can see if I feel the same way or not.”

Twilight looked rather mollified by my logic. "I suppose that makes sense... But we are not releasing Discord!”

“Fine, suit yourself. Anyone else important I should know about?”

“Well, there’s Spike for one.” Twilight states.

“Spike? Is he your dog or something?”

“Hey!”

That surprised me. A voice that actually sounded rather masculine. Childish, but masculine all the same.

I turn and see a small, bipedal reptilian creature. It climbs up on the table in front of me, using a chair to reach high enough. Now it’s looking at me. “I am not a dog! I’m a dragon!”

I lean my head against my arm, elbow propped up on the table. “Fascinating. Can you roll over?”

“Yes I c- er, shut up!”

“Never.” I grin. “So what’s your story?”

“Well, Twilight hatched me from my egg, and I’ve been her faithful assistant since I learned to write.” He seemed rather proud of this.

“I see. And what have you been doing?”

“Well, Twilight sent me here to Canterlot. My job was to search all the libraries I could find for books on strange creatures. I have them on a cart outside. I suppose the reason she was freaking out was you showing up.”

“Okay, so... guess I’m your new housemate.”

“Huh?”

Twilight decided to respond for me. “For the time being, he will be staying at the library. This way he can interact with ponies and I can study him further.”

“Just don’t stick any thermometers where they don’t belong, okay Miss Science?”

The entire ensemble of ponies and dragon all groaned.

“Seriously? This guy is gonna be staying with us Twilight?” Spike asked.

I give him a noogie. “Yep, don’t you feel lucky?”

“Immensely...” was the flat response I got from him.

“Well, we should head back tah Ponyville I s’pose...” Applejack suggested. It was getting rather late.

“Yes, but I think I’ll teleport him to the library directly. We don’t want him causing a stir on a train-ride.” Celestia pointed out.

“But I wanna stay! You said I should meet the ponies!”

“That I did, but if your presence causes panic, I’d prefer if it was not on a train moving down a mountainside. Thus, I insist that you be teleported.”

“No, I’m not gonna.” I cross my arms in defiance.

“Will I have to force you, Anthony?”

“Do your worst, Princess Sunbutt.”

At this, the room became dead silent. Nobody was even breathing aside from me.

“Yeah, I said it, Sunbutt.”

Twilight fainted once more.

Chapter 7

I stand there, arms folded. This princess is a wuss. I know. I’ve said all kinds of things before, and she hasn’t done anything. Luna might try something, but there’s no way Celestia had the guts to-

Sudden intense pain!

Like I was in an oven... burning... I can’t open my eyes, but I feel like I’m on fire. Burning... charring me to the core. Now pressure. Like the air around me has turned to heated stone and is crushing me. Can’t... Stand...

I try to scream, but all I manage is a hoarse choking sound, my throat dry from the heat. Smoke fills my lungs. I can’t breathe... The sound of crackling fire slowly turning into a dull buzz as my ears give in. So much pressure. Feel like... my ribs are... breaking. I hear a crack. From inside. Oh good god the pain... Losing... focus. Can’t...

Suddenly, water. Freezing cold. Soaking me, shocking me awake.

I sit up, taking lungfuls of air. Cool, sweet air.

I get to my hands and knees, but my legs are still too weak to stand. I manage to open my eyes. I’m in the throne room. Sitting on her throne is Celestia, glaring at me.

“Have you learned respect?”

I choke out a feeble response. “Y- yes...”

“Are you aware that I am not going to tolerate any form of misconduct while you are in Ponyville?”

“Y- yes, princess.”

“You are not yet familiar with my laws. Twilight will supply you with a list of rules and regulations I have placed upon my land. Once informed, you will be a law-abiding citizen. If you misbehave, there will be negative consequences. Am I clear?”

I hate her authoritative tone. I don’t like being subjugated, made impotent... I hate it, so much. People who act like they’re better than anyone else... even if they are.

“Am I clear, Anthony!?”

“Yes, princess Celestia.” I spit the words out like venom.

“I’m not sure I like your tone.”

Okay, that’s too far, way too far. “Too f&#@ing bad!”

“It seems you have not learned respect.”

“Oh I have, but I only give it to those I feel deserve it.”

“And you feel I, the one who could have killed you earlier and yet spared your life despite your insolence doesn’t deserve your respect?”

“You haven’t earned it.”

“I haven’t?”

“No. You haven’t.”

“Do you need another demonstration of my superiority?”

“It’s that superiority that makes me not respect you. You hang it over my head, threatening me with it. I can’t possibly win against you, and you take advantage of that to get what you want from me. I don’t give respect to bullies.”

“All I want is your cooperation.”

“I’ll cooperate if I feel like it. I have free will. I’m nobody’s slave.”

“I’m not making you my slave, I’m-”

“Shut up!” I realize that the reason I can’t move is because I’ve been chained to the floor. “You think I’ll do anything you ask just because you nearly kill me, revive me, and enshackle me!?”

“You brought that upon yourself. I tolerated your antics for much longer than I should have.”

I glare at her and she glares back.

Suddenly, a guard walks in. “Princess, you have someone here to see you.”

“Tell them I will send for them once I am ready. I’m busy at the moment.”

The guard turns to leave. “No!” The guard turns to me quizzically. “Bring them in. I don’t want to be a burden. I’m sure our wonderful, powerful princess can handle two tasks at once... If she’s not full of hot air, that is.” I sneer.

Celestia grits her teeth. “Send them in. Now.”

“As you wish, your highness.”

I know I’m digging my own grave, but now that I’ve started, why stop? I’m going to push her. If I’m gonna be killed, then I want it to be a show. And what better show than the perfect princess murdering a chained creature in front of one of her subjects?

The pony that walks in is Twilight. Perfect.  This is absolutely perfect. I know Celestia can see my grin. I’m aware that she knows what I’m doing. That just makes it much sweeter.

“Hello Twilight. Celestia and I were just having a very interesting chat. How have you been?” I ask sweetly, as if my current situation was a regular occurrence.

Twilight looks at me. I don’t know if I look burned, but the expression on her face is definitely an interesting one. “I... I’ve been fine.”

“Oh, how wonderful to hear. Now what were you saying Celestia? About saying that if I don’t do as I’m told, then you’ll burn me alive once more?”

“What!?” Twilight was freaking out.

“Well, it’s not like she didn’t do it before. She just gave me the honor of a spared life. I’m sure that she’d have no complications finishing the job. What with her vastly superior... everything.”

“Anthony, that is enough.” Celestia said sternly.

“It is? Oh very well then. I wanted to be cremated anyway. This way I won’t have to pay any funeral expenses at all.” Twilight just keeps looking at Celestia and I, not sure what to do. “Have you ever seen anyone burned alive Twilight? I hear it’s quite interesting. First their flesh melts away, and as their bones become charred, their internal organs begin to immolate, turning into a hot steaming-”

“Enough!” Twilight cried out, looking positively sick to her stomach.

I don’t stop. Never. Not now. “And it’d be so easy for your beloved princess. Just a wave of her horn and I light up like a box of tinder. My body would become hot...” Strangely, I do feel hot. It might be the malice I’m dealing with. I hate being chained. Now that I think of it... “And my chains would start to get hot as well. The metal heating up, turning an angry red that digs into my wrists and ankles, burning straight through the skin, maybe even cutting my hands and feet off. I wonder what that looks like. Perhaps you’d like to take some notes...”

Twilight can’t handle it anymore. She loses her lunch, the contents of her stomach pooling at the ground by her forehooves.

Celestia sighs. “Fine, you win... You may go.”

“What? But surely-”

“Just shut up! I’ve had enough of your words, Discord!”

Huh?

In a bright flash, I’m in the library in ponyville. Why did she call me Discord? I mean, I know she doesn’t like the guy, but... weird.

It’s almost nighttime now, and I’m in a chair reading a book when Twilight and Spike walk in.

I smile and wave. “Hiya Twilight, Spike. Nice to see ya.”

Twilight just stares at me like I’m insane. Spike hops off her back and heads up the stairs, probably to go to sleep. He looks tired.

“Anything you want to say, Twilight?”

She looks down at the ground, obviously thinking hard. After a while she responds. “No.”

She levitates a book off the shelf and flips it open, moving to the table to read.

“Listen, Twilight... I-”

“No. Don’t say anything.”

“Twilight, please, I need to know.”

“Know what?” Her nose is still in her book.

“What you were thinking. Back at the castle I mean.”

“I’m not sure. I mean... I suppose I want to like you, I know I ought to since we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, but... the things you said back there...”

“I don’t hate Celestia.”

“Huh? But... what she said you told her...”

“It’s not a problem with Celestia herself is what I mean. I don’t like anyone who acts like they’re better than me.”

“Well, no offense, but she is.”

“Oh, I know. I have no problem with being inferior, it’s when those above me push their superiority on me, as if they think that if they push me, I won’t push back. I have pride.”

“I... I suppose that makes sense... but why egg her on like that?”

“I wanted her to know that I was pushing back. Sure I’m afraid of dying, but I’m willing to risk it if that’s what it takes for someone to realize they can’t break me by being better than me.”

“She seems to realize that now. So are you just going to wander off around town and do whatever you want, causing all the havoc you wish?”

“Heck no.”

“Huh?”

“Rules are in place for a reason. Sure sometimes they may seem boring or stupid, but they all have a reason for being in place. They’re to keep us safe. I fully intend on following whatever laws your princesses have issued.”

“Bu, then... why all the...”

“Because chicks dig rebels.” I say with a grin, making it clear I wasn’t serious.

Chapter 8

We sat in silence for a while, just reading. Eventually I get to a stopping point and put the book down. As I’m heading for the front door, Twilight stops me. “Where are you going? It’s practically midnight.”

“Yeah, I know. And as such, I am tired.” I open the door and step outside. Twilight once again used her magic to hold me in place. “But Where are you going?”

“Dunno.”

“Why?”

“Well, unless you have a bed for me, I’m gonna find somewhere else.”

That stopped her. The decision for me to stay was only made earlier today. Twilight tried to convince me otherwise. “But... why don’t you sleep on the table like when we found you?”

I reply with my best ‘You’ve gotta be kidding’ look.

“Well, where are you going to sleep, then?”

“Anywhere I want.”

“But... you can’t just do that!”

I enhance my size to five times my original height. “Assuming my weight increases with my height, I can now.”

“What? Why?”

“Because at this point I weigh about a thousand pounds.”

“I don’t get it...”

“Get your nose stuck in a joke book sometime. I’m gonna go find somewhere to sleep.”

“But-”

“Seeya tomorrow, Twi.”

I dash off, using my longer legs to carry me as far from her as possible before she can react. I do hear a loud groan from behind me. Heheh, she mad.

Eventually I find a little field. Well, I’m rather big so I suppose it’s not that little. I find a nice soft patch of grass and nod off to sleep. Today was interesting.

I feel something tap me in the side. I roll over. It’s not morning until I say it is.

The pokes continue, but in different places. Then the voices.

“Whaddya think it is?” Poke to my side.

“No idea. It looks weird.” Poke to my elbow.

“It’s kinda squishy.” Poke to my chest.

“You think Miss Cheerilee will know? Poke to my forehead.

“Sure, Miss Cheerilee knows everything!” Poke to my cheek. I’ve had enough.

As soon as I feel the next poke, in my stomach, I grab the thing that was poking me.

“Woah! It’s moving!”

I realize that I am holding a stick. Now I’m really annoyed.

I sit up and look at my inquisitors. A pair of small ponies. Unicorns. One looks fat, the other one looks more like a tiny giraffe.

They turn to run, but I grab them both by the base of their necks. I hold their shivering bodies up to my face, glaring at them.

“This. Is not. A petting zoo.”

They gulp, and start flailing. I stand up, now carrying them both, one under each arm.

“You know, you two are pretty stupid.”

They are now whimpering.

With a sigh, I look around. I see a little red building. It’s the closest place, so why not?

I go up to the door and tap on it with my foot. After a few minutes, the door opens. Surprise surprise, another pony. This one kind of a subdued pink. Or maybe some shade of purple. Whatever.

“O- oh my.”

“Close your mouth, you look like a fish.”

She shuts her jaw and stares up at me. Even though I’m only in my normal size, I’m still a decent foot or so taller than her.

I decide to get this over with. I hold up the two young ponies, making sure she can see them both.

“I don’t know if these things are yours, and I honestly don’t care. They’re your problem, deal with them.”

I drop them at her feet unceremoniously and walk off. I like kids, but only when they aren’t pricks.

I realize I don’t really know which way I went when I left the library, as it was rather dark. I stopped a few ponies in the road to ask for directions, but the dang horses wouldn’t stop stammering. Eventually I come across what seems to be a giant gingerbread house. Eh, I’m hungry. Might as well ask if they have anything for free. I mean, it’s a gingerbread house. There’s no way it didn’t offer some kind of food. If it didn’t, that’d be the worst marketing ploy in the history of everything.

I walk in the door, ducking my head a bit to avoid the doorway. “Hello? Is anyone here?”

A blue mare with pink whipped cream for hair came in from a back door and greeted me, not looking up until she actually reached the counter.

“Er... um... hello there?”

“Yeah, hi. Got anything to eat? I’m hungry... and broke.”

“Well, uh...I...”

“Fine, if you don’t offer free samples, how about directions to the library?”

The mare just stared at me, pointing numbly to the Northwest. “Thanks.”

I walk off. Celestia was right, these ponies really need to get used to me.

It’s not a long trek before I come across the library. This town needs some sort of tourist map. I open the door and let myself in, plopping down in the chair I sat in last night. My book was on the center table, so I picked it up.

I barely read a few sentences when Twilight comes down the stairs, her hair a complete mess. “Oh, it’s you...”

“Well, good morning to you too, Miss Sunshine.”

With a sigh she made her way to the kitchen. At least that’s what I assume, as that’s where she brought in the ice cream from.

After a while, I hear a sharp whistle, I recognize the sound as a tea kettle. I wonder what kind of tea they have in Equestria. I hope they actually prepare it right, and it’s not just boiled leaf-water.

Twilight enters the room with a kettle and ceramic cup floating a bit behind her head.

“So how strong is that stuff?”

“Meh.”

“Not much of a talker today, are you?”

“Anthony, shut up, or I’ll glue you to the ceiling by your nose.”

“Oh come on, that’s best threat you have? I can think of way worse things.”

“I’m sure you can.”

“Like, say, pull out someone’s lower intestine, tie it into a noose and asphyxiate them with it.”

“That’s disgusting!”

“Hence why it’s a good threat.”

“Just... shut up.” She takes a long drink from the cup, and refills it.

At this point Spike is coming down the stairs, and comes out of the kitchen with his own teacup.

“Please tell me you’re a morning person.”

“Already met ‘morning Twilight’ I take it?”

“Yep. What a crank.”

“You know I’m right here!”

“And your point being?”

“Uuuuugh...”

“You know, I never got an answer. How strong’s that tea?”

Twilight glares daggers at me. “Here, why don’t you find out!?”

Next thing I know, I’m covered in boiling hot tea with an upturned kettle laying on my head. “Holy crap that’s hot!”

“Enjoy.” Twilight responded icily, heading for the kitchen, presumably to make more tea.

I nudge Spike. "She totally digs me."

Spike looks at me, a strange look on his face. He just shakes his head and returns to his cup.

I decide to wash myself off. Luckily the sinks in Equestria function pretty much the same.

Once I’ve cleaned my head of the hot beverage, I take a look in the mirror. It seems that when Celestia used me as a human matchstick, my hair was scorched black as opposed to the usual brown, and it was much shorter than I remember. I also lack eyebrows. The strangest part was that my skin seems completely untouched. Strange. Maybe she healed me, but left me with the haircut for kicks.

I decide to keep reading my book. If it weren’t for the fact that Indiana Jones probably didn’t exist here, I’d probably call it copyright infringement. If I was George Lucas, I’d be pissed.

It wasn’t bad, but this Daring Do character is like a total ripoff. If she were real, I’d probably call her a phony.

Anyway, I hear a knock at the door, and Spike goes over to answer it. Upon opening it, a pink blur I suppose is Pinkie Pie rushes in, and starts jumping up and down on top of my chest. Yep. Pinkie.

“Good morning! Did you sleep well? I wanted to come over earlier but Twilight’s kinda grumpy in the morning so I waited! I can’t wait for your welcome party! Oh I forgot to tell you I planned a welcome party for you! I also invited a bunch of ponies so they can meet you! It’s at Sugarcube Corner of course! Wait you’ve never been to Sugarcube Corner before! Come on let’s go!”

I am now being dragged by my arm at high speed. I don’t know how Pinkie can do anything like this, but at least it’s not being stuck inside the library with a grumpy Twilight.

Eventually Pinkie starts to slow down and she pulls me to my feet. I realize I’m in front of the gingerbread shop again. Wait a sec.

“Is this Sugarcube Nook?”

“Corner. Sugarcube Corner. And you bet it is!”

“Huh, small world. But why does it look like a gingerbread house?”

“Because gingerbread houses are delicious! It helps to sell treats like cakes and pies and cupcakes!”

“Why not make it look like a cake then? And why call it Sugarcube Corner? The name and outer design fit the sweets theme, but they are a bit misleading. I’d expect a place called Sugarcube Corner to be a sugar factory.”

“Oh don’t worry about that, let’s party!” She pushes me through the door and into the bakery I was in not five hours ago. Pinkie makes herself known in her usual manner: Loudly. “Mrs. Cake! I’m back, and I brought Anthony!”

From the kitchen I hear the voice of the mare from earlier. “That’s great Pinkie, you’ve certainly been building up this mystery friend of yours.” She comes out of the back just like before. “I can’t wait to meet... oh.”

I give a little wave. “Hey, how ya doing?”

The mare sighs. “Why am I not surprised?”

The chapter that comes after nine

It’s the next morning, and I wake up. I slept in the same place as before, the grassy area by the schoolhouse. When I wake up, I realise Cheerilee actually doesn’t mind, as there’s a note on my chest that says “Do not touch or wake. Miss Cheerilee.”

Suddenly, a flash of light. I turn towards it, and a very skinny beige pegasus kid is flying away. I don’t know what he did, but I’m sure I don’t like it.

He’s actually a good flier, pretty fast. I’m not gonna lose to a kid. I pour on the speed, and leap up, grabbing him by the leg and drag him down. I’m now kneeling over him. He gets one look at me and absolutely loses it. He squirms away and beats it as fast as he can.

I look down and see a camera. So that’s the flash... wait. I look at my reflection in the lens. It’s a bit curvy, but I’m all glowy and blue again. Cool.

I head back to the schoolhouse and knock on the door. Cheerilee answers. “Oh, hello Anthony, did you sleep we-” She stops when she sees the stern look on my face. “You need to get leashes for these punks.” I hand her the camera. the strap is broken, but the camera itself isn’t damaged. “Oh my... I expect Featherweight will be coming back for this...”

I turn to leave. “You tell the shutterbug that he can keep the negatives, but if he tries this again, he’s going to need a new camera.”

“Uh...”

“And if I end up in a newspaper, I’m gonna find his darkroom and wreck it.”

“O- okay...”

I’m back at the library. This time, Twilight is actually fully awake. “Hey, nerd, get your notebook, I got something to show you.”

“What did you call me?”

“Twilight.”

“That’s what I thought. Now what is it?”

“Well, let’s just say I was running, and then I started glowing again.”

“Really!?” This got her excited.

“Yeah. I just wanted to go faster and... I spark up.”

“You what?”

“Hey, it’s gotta have a cool name.”

“Whatever. I need to see this. Oh, wait, let me get something else.” She comes back with a sort of tiny windmill with a gauge on it. Weird. “So, we’re going to see just how fast you can go.”

“With that device?”

“Anemometer”

“Gesundheit.”

“Shut up.”

Soon, we come to a lake. Twilight sets up her anemometer, and a stopwatch around her neck. “I’m going to need you to run a few laps, okay?”

“Fine with me, I guess. I don’t have anything better to do.”

“I know.”

“I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Just run.”

I get myself ready. I haven’t run laps since PE in high school. Let’s do this. “Ready... Go!”

I take off. I’m going really fast. Not much faster than I usually am though. I focus on when I was chasing that kid. The need to go fast. To outpace the wind under his wings... to spark.

Suddenly, I feel it. I feel the wind pushing back, denying me. I don’t listen. Then, another sensation. As if something lights up inside me. Then, like my body just made a complete speed transition, I slingshot forward. I’m probably glowing. I’m not going to check. Gotta focus. Keep going. Faster. Faster. Faster. I feel lighter than air. As if the world has stopped resisting. No constraints, I’ve broken out. I feel free. I see Twilight. I can’t believe I’ve already made a lap, it couldn’t have been even two seconds. Or was it? I don’t know. The speed feels good.

“Stoooooooop!!!”

I’m startled, I lose focus. No. I can’t. Keep control, just, no. It’s slipping. The wind gets its revenge, I’m slingshotted backwards, thrown head over heels, flipping backwards. Once... twice... before I complete the third I slow down and just start tumbling across the ground backwards.

“Woah... that was... incredible...”

“I know... wow, out of breath... But. Felt so good, like... I was unmatched...”

“You might be, actually. You broke the anemometer!”

“Huh?”

“This is supposed to gauge how fast you were going based on the wind speed you generate as you pass. You passed it once and it just... broke.”

“Dang. What’s that mean?”

“You can run faster than anything ever recorded.”

“Woah, this is heavy.”

“Yeah.”

I grin “We’re gonna have to call Rainbow Dash Green Dash when she sees me. She’s gonna be so jealous it might change her mane.”

“I’m not so sure. I’ve never been able to test her upper limit, so she might still be faster.”

“All I know is that speed is good... so good.”

“I think Rainbow would finally agree with you on something, then.”

I’m still at the track. Twilight’s left. Her stopwatch was useless. Once I really start Sparking, I can finish two laps in half a second. The speed is incredible. I love it. Nothing can stop me... I decide to leave the track. Nothing can keep me from moving. This freedom, it’s like a drug. My mind is clear. I just need to move. I stick my arms out behind me, and I feel like I’m flying. I don’t even feel my feet touch the ground, like I’m lighter than air. I rule the wind...

Wait. I’m stopped. I’m not moving forward. Pain. There is pain. I shake my head and I see that I’ve crashed into none other than Rainbow Dash.

“Ooowowowowowow... Jeez, watch where you’re going!”

“Woah...”

“What’s your dama- Anthony?”

“You stopped me.”

“Excuse me? You were in my way!”

“Why’d you crash anyway?”

“I dunno, I was flying, and then I saw something bright and I couldn’t see. Now I’m crashed into you!”

“No.”

“Huh? No, what?”

“No arguing. We settle this. We determine who stopped who.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Whoever is the slower one was the obstruction.” I turn to look her in the eyes. “Don’t you agree?”

I see the fire in her eyes. “Of course.”

“What’s the challenge?”

“...we take off, and after five minutes, we start judging who spends more time ahead of the other. When we finish three laps, the winner is the one who spent the most time ahead. Finishing the third lap first doesn’t matter.”

“Deal!”

“You ready?”

“Of course. Loser has to admit their inferiority in front of all of Ponyville... while they paint themselves yellow.”

“That’s harsh, dude.”

“If you can’t handle the stakes-”

“You’re on!”

She spits onto her hoof and I do the same with my palm, and we shake on it. The shake turns into an arm wrestle. I try as hard as I can, and I can tell she’s doing the same. I grin. “You didn’t mention any penalties for head starts.”

“Huh?”

I pull away from her hoof and she tumbles forward while I rush onto the track. She’s chasing after me now. But there’s still some distance between us, though she’s closing it quickly. “No fair!” She yells at me.

“All’s fair in love and war, sexy.”

“What?”

That confused her, I take the chance to work on my Spark. “You cheating bastard!”

“Takes one to know one!”

“I’m not cheating!”

“Wasn’t what I was referring to!”

“You got a death wish!?”

“Of course, but so far nobody’s gonna fulfill it!” I charge forward. She’s still moving faster though. We’ve mostly been neck-and-neck. I need to do this, beat her. I feel the spark. We’re coming up on the end of the first lap. Perfect.

“Wh- what? The glow... that was you!?”

By the time I hear it I’m too far away to respond. I’m going to do this. I’m going to become the champion!

After about a minute of not seeing Rainbow Dash come up to my side, I feel assured. No way she could make it up now. She might as well- What?

Behind me I hear a sound. It doesn’t register, I have to keep moving. Suddenly I can’t see! My vision is blocked by a brilliant, multi-hued light. It continues forward and I can see again. Rainbow Dash? She’s not even visible, obscured by a shimmering stretch of rainbow. I try and move faster, but I can’t even seem to get closer. Her speed is still increasing, like what I’m seeing is just a blur, a remnant of where she used to be. This is incredible... I can’t win.

I slow down and eventually come to a stop. I head back to the finish line, and once Rainbow Dash realizes what I’ve done, she slows down as well, but she keeps going. She crosses the line, now at a more believable, but still incredible speed.

“Looks like I need to buy some paint.”

“Heh. That was pretty cool what you did back there with the glowing.”

“Yeah, sure, what was that thing you did? It was like you were moving faster than I could see.”

“It’s called a Sonic Rainboom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m the only one who can do it.”

“Wow.”

“So, when do I get my prize?”

“Tomorrow. I’ll get Pinkie to gather everyone at the town hall. Once I’m onstage, I’ll do it.”

“This is gonna be so awesome.”

“You cheeky bastard.”

We share a hoof/fist bump and we go our separate ways. Now where do I get paint?

Chapter 11

As I think on where to acquire a bucket of paint, I decide to look for Pinkie. She likes sweets so I figure Sugarcube Corner would be a good place to start.

Once I get to the giant gingerbread shop, I look around. I don’t see anyone sitting by the counter, at a table or anything, the place is empty.

“Hello dearie.”

“Oh, hey Mrs. Cake. I was looking for Pinkie, but it seems she’s not here.”

“Oh but she is.”

“Huh?”

“Pinkie! Anthony is here to see you!”

The usual pink blur zooms down from a flight of stairs and tackles me. This time I’m expecting it, so I end up catching Pinkie. “Hi! What’s up, Anthony!?”

Apparently, Pinkie lives here. It’s a sweet shop. I am not surprised. I explain the competition between Rainbow Dash and I, and what the ramifications for my failure were. “Wow! She needed a Sonic Rainboom to beat you!?” Pinkie exclaims.

“Yeah, now I need you to get everyone by the town hall. Also, if you know where I could get a bucket of yellow paint, that would be nice.”

She quickly scribbles down something on a piece of paper, hands the slip to me, and dashes out the door. Looking at the paper, I realize that it’s directions to an arts and crafts shop.

This place is a lot more subdued than Sugarcube Corner, that’s for sure. It looks like a typical store. Well, for Ponyville’s usual appearance.

I walk in, again having to duck a bit to avoid hitting my head on the doorframe. Seriously, I wish I could shrink.

The first pony I see is wearing an apron covered in paint splotches, she’s busy sweeping the floor.

“Hi, I need a can of yellow paint and a brush.”

Still sweeping, she doesn’t look up. “Paints are on that shelf over there, brushes on the rack past the paint.”

I realize I don’t have any money. That could be a problem. Oh well, I can try anyway. Once I have my merchandise, I walk back into view of the mare. Now she finally looks at me. And she screams. Great.

Suddenly she throws her broom at me. Obviously, it just hits me and clatters to the floor. It’s a broom. These horses are really stupid. Suddenly, I’m glad I can actually share an intellectual conversation with Twilight every once in a while.

I pick up the broom, readjusting my carrying position so I have the bucket under an arm, and holding the brush in my hand.

I approach the mare. She’s cowering in the corner. I toss the broom at her, letting it land on the floor.

“This is probably the worst customer service I’ve ever experienced. I think I’ll take my supplies for free as compensation.”

“Huh?”

“Make sure you aren’t antisocial before you start a business, horseface.”

I get to the library, placing the paint and brush down, once more sitting down in my chair to read. After a while, I finish the book. Getting up, I decide to check the shelves for another, preferably one a bit more stimulating. Twilight walks in, pauses, then yells at me. “Exactly what do you plan on doing with that paint, mister!?”

“I’m going to put on a show for Ponyville. It involves me getting covered in paint.”

“Why do I not believe you?”

“Because I’m not entirely trustworthy.”

“...yes, that’s it exactly.”

“Awesome, do I get a gold star?”

“No, you get more interrogation.”

“Maybe later.” I return to the shelves, and a book catches my eye. Explanation of Magic for Beginners. Interesting.

Twilight notices the book I’m holding. “Seriously? That’s for children. Everypony knows that stuff already.”

“Everypony.”

“Fair enough. Seriously though, what are you going to do with the paint?”

“Ask Rainbow Dash.”

“Oh no, this isn’t going to be one of her pranks, is it?”

That stopped me. “Rainbow’s a prankster?” Oh my, this is interesting.

“You... you’re not going to cover somepony in paint?”

“Nope, I already told you, I’m going to cover myself.”

“Why?”

“You could ask Rainbow, or hear my excuse.”

“Despite my better judgement, I’ll hear your excuse.”

“It makes me feel pretty.”

“Of course.” Twilight groaned. She leaves. Presumably to go ask Rainbow Dash.

I think of something. “Oh, Twilight, I’m probably going to need some money.”

She freezes. “Yes. Yes you do... how’d you get that paint!?”

“Compensation for poor customer service.”

“You stole it!?”

“Hey, nobody’s perfect, as much as you may think I am.”

“You’re a theif!”

“Yeah, I steal. I’m also a liar and a cheater.” She is positively steaming now. Teeth gritted in anger. “You wanna go?” I ask nonchalantly

“What?”

“It’s slang. Are you challenging me? You wanna fight?”

“Actually, I kinda do.”

“Well too bad. I’m not in the mood.” I continue reading the book. Despite what Twilight said, this is very informative.

“Get out!”

“No thanks.”

“Do I need to kick you out of my house?”

“This is a public library, genius, technically you only own this place because you’re the head librarian.”

“I can ban you.”

“Sure you can, but then you’d have no idea where am during the day.”

“...I.”

“Hey, if I can use my untrustworthiness as a valid argument, I’m gonna.”

“You are such a pain!”

“You’re not as slow as you look.”

Suddenly, I’m not in the library. Teleported again. I look around, and I realize I’m at a train station. I suddenly get an idea. I go up to the ticket stall. “Hey, do you have any trains heading to Canterlot?”

The pony is reading a newspaper, not looking at me. “The Friendship Express goes to Canterlot, it’ll arrive in half an hour.”

“Friendship Express? That is the most frilly name I’ve ever heard for a train.”

“Don’t like it? Go home.”

“Even Celestia can’t do that.”

“Listen buddy, don’t... er...” Now he’s looking at me. And stammering “Uh... B- big...”

“This isn’t big, mate.” I enhance my size once more, making him crane his neck until he’s looking straight up. “This is big.”

He gulps. “So, uh... one ticket to Canterlot, is it?”

“If you would be so kind.” I shrink down to normal size once more. He throws some tickets my way. When I pick them up, I realize only one of them actually going to Canterlot, the rest say something about Appleoosa.

The train ride was uneventful, well, to me at least. Some ponies get off the train once they see me. Once I get to Canterlot, I start asking for directions to the castle. The place, not to mention the ponies, are a lot more regal. But the inhabitants are even bigger wusses. One stallion actually wet himself. Eventually I get to the castle gate, which is being guarded by a bunch of armored, perfectly identical pegasi with spears.

“Outta my way, bucketheads.”

One actually points his spear at me. “S- stop! Don’t move, or w- we’ll attack!”

This time, I decide to make my presence a bit more interesting. I focus on my Spark form, imagining the feeling of energy that comes with it. I assume I succeeded, as the guard just locks up. I brush past him, but am stopped by another guard. “Stand still, freak!”

“Go ahead, make my day!”

He jabs his spear forward, but it seems he misjudged the length of his spear as I don’t feel anything. He looks really scared now. I continue forward, his eyes getting wider and wider as I approach. Wait... something’s off. I look down and realize he didn’t misjudge the length. The entire time I’ve been advancing, I’ve been impaling myself further on his weapon. I don’t feel anything. I wiggle a bit and I notice the spear acts as though I wasn’t even there. I look back at the guard. “Still feeling lucky, Officer Jenny?”

“Uh... uh... uh...”

I close the rest of the distance between us. I reach behind me and grab the spear, yanking it out of his hooves and pull it the rest of the way through my midsection. I give the spear a twirl.

He turns to run. Nope. I hold the spear horizontally behind his neck, trapping him between my now solid body and the shaft of wood.

I stare hard at him, I can see my glowing reflection in his eyes. I then power down and let him go. But I’m not done. I grow until the spear is about as big as a pencil, snap it, and shrink back down. I throw the broken spear halves at him. They bounce off his paralyzed body.

I put my hand to the side of his head and push him over, walking past.

I hear him stammer a question. “Wh- what are you?”

“A good guy.” With that, I leave, heading for the castle.

Chapter 12

I make my way through the empty courtyard and approach the castle doors. More guards. I decide to be a bit more subtle.

“Hey guys.”

“State your business, creature!”

“I want to see Princess Celestia. I think she’d honor an audience with me, considering she knows me.”

“What?” The guard is a little confused.

“Just call Celly, let her know Anthony is here.” The guard blows a whistle, calling over another guard. Once the situation is explained, he goes to get Celestia, leaving me and the new guy outside. The new guard is an Earth pony with a grey coat. He just stares at me wordlessly.

“What are you looking at?”

“Uh... nothing.” came the reply, he shifts his attention to the thin air right in front of him.

“That’s what I thought.”

After a few moments, the door opens and out walks Celestia. She sighs and gestures for me to come in. “What are you doing here?”

“What, I can’t drop in to visit my favorite princess?”

“I was unaware you thought so highly of me.”

“I don’t.” I stick my tongue out at her. Honestly I don’t like either princess better than the other, but the sibling rivalry seems to get on her nerves.

“Well, unfortunately, Luna is asleep at the moment. Perhaps if you came back in a few hours.”

“I can wait, no problem.”

Celestia tilted her head. “I never pegged you to be the type to wait quietly for something to happen.”

I give her my usual smirk. “When did I say I’d be quiet?”

“Anthony, please... just...”

“We can just sit and talk if you want.”

Celestia actually pauses at this. “Really? No tricks or games, just talking?”

“Of course.”

Celestia smiled. “I’d... actually like that. Come with me.”

We eventually come to a door that I follow her through. Thankfully I don’t have to duck much because these door were built for the princesses. We’re in a library. Celestia leads me to the most ill-fitting thing I could imagine in a royal library.

“Beanbag chairs?” I ask for confirmation.

“I find them rather comfortable, as do many ponies.”

I sink down into the bag, relaxing.

Once she is settled in, Celestia addresses why we are here. “So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Me.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Because I’m egotistical.”

“Just get to the point, please.”

“Alright. Your guards at the gate tried to stab me through the chest.”

“What?”

“Yeah, they’re dicks. Anyway, what’s interesting is that they succeeded. Kind of.”

“I’m confused, could you elaborate?”

“I’ll do better. I’ll demonstrate.” I begin my Spark. It’s much easier to do it in general than when I’m trying to run. I grab a book from the shelf and toss it to Celestia, who catches it in her magic. “Okay princess, throw it at me.”

She just looks at me. “What?”

“Throw the book. As hard as you like, right at my chest.”

“Are you sure?”

I pat my chest, indicating her target. Celestia sighs and the book is hurled at me so fast I barely see it. Celestia winces, and then looks up. She looks at the ground by my feet. “Wh- where is it?”

I go over to the far wall and grab the book from the ground, and toss it to her again. She walks towards the wall. “I- I don’t understand...”

“When I’m like this, I can become intangible. Nothing can physically touch me.”

Her jaw drops. “H- how? Only the highest level of Unicorns can accomplish that! The amount of magic power it takes...”

“Ponies use magic. I don’t.”

“...I’d like to test your upper limits, please.”

“Upper limits of what?”

She turns to me. “Everything.”

We enter a weight room. I assume it’s for the guards to stay in shape.

“So, what now?”

Celestia levitates a pair of one-handed weights to me and walks to a table. “I want you to sit here, and hold up the weights.”

“They’re barely heavy, this is going to be easy.”

“At first, yes. I will slowly increase their weight in increments of five pounds every minute. We will see how long you can last before you cannot hold the weights above the table by at least one inch.”

“Okay. I’m ready.”

After a while, we determine my limit is actually a bit under seventy pounds per arm. Without me growing that is. We figure that all my physical aspects increase equal to how much bigger I become.

We discover something else. If I’ve grown, I can’t Spark and vice-versa, meaning I can’t mix the powers. Also, Sparking does not increase my strength.

Celestia wanted to test my speed, but I explained the results of Twilight’s experiment, so we decided that we would just leave my speed as ‘unrecorded’ until better equipment was designed.

I actually like the workout, it’s invigorating. Then Celestia takes me to a pool and hands me some more weights, but these seem to be able to be attached to one’s body.

“I want you to put these on and see how long you can hold your breath. These weights will keep you from rising to the surface. You will pull this chain, ringing a bell, when you feel you can’t breathe any longer.”

“Isn’t this a bit dangerous? I could drown you know.”

“Scientific progress isn’t made without sacrifice.”

I pause. “Of all the ponies I’ve met... you’re the most human so far.”

Celestia pauses this time. “I- I’m not sure if that’s an insult or a compliment.”

“Neither am I.” I put on the weights and jump into the water, taking a breath before my head is submerged.

I stay calm. I focus. There is peace. No distractions. The water dulls all sounds to mere buzzes. I focus on the subtle vibrations of the water moving around me. I don’t know how long I’ve been down here. It could have been two minutes. Numbers mean nothing. Time means nothing. This is nice. After a while, I feel a pressure inside. It’s growing steadily. I suppose I’m running out of air. I want to meet the challenge though. The pressure eventually becomes a burn. I’m done. I remove the weights, leaving them in the pool and swim to the surface, taking in steady lungfuls of air.

I remember Celestia is here when she speaks. “You were supposed to ring the bell.”

“I prefer independance.”

“That is rather evident.” She sighs.

“So how long was it?”

“I’m not too sure. After a few minutes, you started to Spark again.”

“I didn’t try to, it just happened.”

“Either way, under that condition, you lasted thirty-five minutes.”

My eyes widen. “Woah.”

She continues. “With all that we’ve discovered, with your abilities, you are the strongest, fastest, and most resilient person or pony to ever take this training course.”

“Training course?”

She nods serenely. “This is the standard training all my new guards go through as initiation to test them. Other guards use it to see how they’ve improved over time. You’ve outdone all the records of every royal guard I’ve ever met. Even my captains haven’t been able to match.”

“Great Scott...” I breathe.

“I am aware that you need employment, Anthony.”

“Are you suggesting I join your battalion?”

“If you want.”

“Wait, let me get this straight. You think I would actually function in a military setting?”

“I see your point. I suppose we could find a different job for you. I’m sure a letter of recommendation from me will guarantee a position in whatever you choose.”

After a while, I come up with an idea. “What fuel source do your trains use?”

Celestia is a bit confused, but answers anyway. “We have some that are pulled by groups of ponies, but many of them run on coal.”

“How about I do that? Shovel coal I mean.”

“I suppose, but why would you want to?”

“It shouldn’t be too hard for me, and I won’t be around many ponies.”

“Hmm... you are right. I will see what I can do.”

I return to the castle library and plop down in a beanbag. Celestia went off to work on getting me a job and do her usual princess things.

It’s weird. I used to think ‘princess things’ involved brushing your hair, and looking pretty in whatever schmancy dress you put on. Here, it’s paperwork and passing judgement.

It’s the next day, and I’m back in Ponyville. I’m heading to the train station, to start my first day of work. I may be late by a few minutes, or early. I’m not sure.

I walk up to the ticket stall. It’s the same pony as before, and he seems a bit less freaked out. “Sorry Mac, we don’t have any trains running, come back in an hour.”

“You don’t want me here?”

“No, beat it.”

“Princess Celestia might be disappointed you’re turning me down, you see, I’m here to work.”

He shakes his head. “Of course the recommendation had to be for you.”

“Yup, so what first?”

“Come with me.”

Now I’m in a train, shoveling coal. It’s pretty easy as I thought. Something did surprise me though, a bandanna or mask is not part of the ‘employee uniform’. Apparently, They haven’t had anyone get black lung disease. I’m not stupid, so I’ve covered my nose and mouth with my shirt. I’ll bring a bandana tomorrow.

Eventually, I get bored of shoveling, the back and forth is so obnoxious after a while.

I start to just grab lumps of coal from the pile and toss it in. The lumps are much lighter as individuals than when in shovelfuls.

Very light. Eh, maybe it’s just me. I am stronger than anyone in this kingdom’s military. I realize that given this fact and my abilities, I could probably take out the entire royal platoon. Celestia would probably stop me, and being public enemy number one of an entire continent wouldn’t be good.

By the time my shift is over, I’m absolutely covered in coal dust. My face is obviously fine, given my foresight, but my arms and clothes have large black spots here and there. I’m walking back to Golden Oaks when I hear a piercing shriek. It was either a mare, or a banshee.

Yep, it’s a pony. Wait, she’s actually approaching me. Oh, it’s Rarity. “Hey, I know we haven’t spent much time together, but was the scream of terror really necessary?”

“Of course dear. I mean, just look at yourself.”

“Just because I look ugly to you...”

Rarity shakes her head. “I meant you are positively filthy!”

“Yeah, I’m a coal shoveler, deal with it.” I turn to walk away.

“No, you require new clothes and a bath immediately.”

Ugh, they want to help me. This is worse than being scared of me. “I think I’ll just deal with it myself, thanks.”

“Do you even have a spare set of clothes?”

“Nope.”

“Wait... you mean...”

“I’ve been wearing this for about three weeks straight? Yup.”

At this, Rarity goes bug-eyed. “You will come with me to my boutique this instant!”

“Rarity, I’d hate to disappoint you...” Her eyes light up. “But I don’t give a crap, so you can take your new clothes and shove them up yo-”

Rarity has grabbed me in her magic and is now pulling me, I assume, to her clothes shop. I hate unicorns.

A few minutes later, I’m being measured by Rarity. I’d probably do something about it, but being tied to a chair limits my options. Since I’m not sure how my growing powers work when I’m restrained, I’d rather not risk anything.

She’s also put a cloth in my mouth to gag me. It might have something to do with my expletive-filled shouts of protest. Maybe.

Anyway, she’s done measuring and is now at her sewing machine making me a ‘fabulous new wardrobe’. I decide to try something. “Mmph!” Stupid gag.

“Do you want something, darling?”

I hate it when she calls me that. I think she knows it.

I Spark up, giving Rarity quite a surprise, as she’s never seen it before. I focus on becoming intangible, the ropes falling in. After a few moments, it happens and I get up off the chair, pulling the cloth out of my mouth. I walk over and grab her by the horn. She’s flailing at this point.

Still holding her horn, I lift her up so we’re eye-to-eye. She’s whimpering, eyes shut tight. “If you put lace or frills on anything, I will get angry.”

I then set her gently on the ground, turn off my Spark, and walk off to lean against the far wall. I admit, some new clothes would be nice.

Chapter 13

I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I’m woken up.

“Rarity, I’m home!”

“Oh, hello, Sweetie Belle. Don’t forget to wipe your hooves on the mat.”

“I know, I did.”

There’s silence for about three seconds, then a scream. “What’s that!?”

I pick up the little white pony by her midsection and reply. “Something that doesn’t wanna be disturbed.” I put the shaking filly back on the ground and fold my arms. “Am I clear?”

Somehow, she manages to stammer out a reply. “Y- yes mister...”

“Smart move, kid.”

She dashes up the stairs as fast as she can. I assume there’s a living space up there. What business buildings don’t have sleeping accommodations around here?

Rarity, still at her sewing machine, addresses me. “Did you have to be so harsh, Anthony?”

“No.”

“But why?”

“Because remembering something is easier if it scares you.”

“You are absolutely terrible.” She fumes.

“Yep.” Strangely, she actually continues with the clothes. If it were me, I’d kick the bastard out in a second.

After a while, I’m woken up again. My leg is being poked. Out of all possible happenstances, it’s most likely that filly. Obviously she doesn’t realize I’m awake, as she continues her ‘inspection’. Why is it that the first thing kids try is poking me?

I can still hear the sewing machine running. That’s expected, I doubt anyone in equestria has made any clothes for a human.

The filly has changed her tactics. She’s lifted up my pant leg and is feeling around my calf. I decide to remind her of our agreement. “Enjoying yourself, kid?”

I get a startled “Eep.” as my response. This time I pick her up by her tail. “Now, what do you think I’m going to do?”

I watch as her mind races, trying to come up with what might be her fate.

“L- let me go?” That tone is so hopeful, it sounds almost deluded.

“Well, let’s go over what I could do.”

She gulps audibly as I begin.

“I could boil you alive, I could throw you into a fridge until you either freeze or suffocate, I could bury you alive with three minutes of air and see if you can dig yourself out in time, I could stomp on you so hard your spine snaps...”

She’s crying now. Tears are pointless.

“I could tie you to a board and throw knives at you until you get stabbed, I could squeeze your head until your skull cracks, I could tear off body parts until you die from blood loss, I could find out what roasted filly tastes like, I could do all sorts of things. Now, what do you think I’m going to do, furball?”

She whimpers.

“I’m going to give you one more chance.” I set her down again. “Dont. Screw. This. Up.”

She nods rapidly and rushes back up the stairs. I turn to Rarity, staring at me, looking like she’s going to be sick. Finally she finds words. “You’re an animal!”

“Aren’t we all?”

“That’s not what I meant, that was the most disgusting display I’ve ever witnessed! To suggest you’d do such things, and to a filly no less!”

“Nobody said you had to like me.” I head for the door, and then the door swings open and I am magically pushed outside.

“Don’t show your face around my boutique again! Nopony does that to my little sister!” The door slams shut. I head back to the library.

I’m walking along, when there’s suddenly something in my path that wasn’t there before, and I trip. Once I pick myself up off the ground, I realize that whatever tripped me is groaning.

Again, another young pony, this one orange with a helmet on. She gives me a weird look, then looks down and yells. “What the hay!?”

“What’s your problem, kid?”

“You broke my scooter, jerk!”

“You were in my way!”

“What are you anyway? Doesn’t matter, you owe me a new scooter!”

“The heck I do, if you can’t watch where you’re going, you deal with your own problems.”

“Pay. Me. Back!” This kid has attitude. Well, so do I.

“Soak. Your. Head!”

Then, the most unexpected thing happens. She tries to punch me. “You think that’s gonna hurt?”

“Not as much as Rainbow Dash will hurt you when she hears about this!”

She’s ran off, leaving her broken scooter at my feet. Weird kid...

I realize I’m kind of hungry, and I see a bunch of market stalls. One of them should have food.

Unfortunately, every market stall I approach immediately closes as soon as I’m within five feet. Jerks. I keep going, and eventually I see Applejack. At least she’d sell me something.

“Howdy Anthony. How’re ya doin’?”

“Hungry. And nobody here seems to want my business.”

“Yeah, but hey, more business for the Apple Family!”

“That’s the attitude, AJ.” I hand her some bits and she passes me three apples.

Then I feel a tug on my pants. Looking down I see another kid, this one is yellow with a red mane and a pink hairbow almost bigger than her head. “Uh... hi mister...” At least she’s nice. “Are you, uh, Anthony?”

I’m a little surprised at this. “Yes, I am. Do you need something?”

Applejack responded for the filly. “I’ve been tellin’ mah kin ‘bout ya. They all wanna meet ya, but there never seemed to be a good time for it. This here’s Applebloom, she’s my little sister.”

“I see. Well, I’m actually free right now, nothing else to do for the rest of the day.”

“This’s perfect! Ah’m gonna close up here in a few minutes and head back to Sweet Apple Acres. Ya can come with and meet the rest o’ th’ Apple Family.”

Well, that does sound better than doing nothing. “Deal, but uh... I think I’ll keep my distance for now. I’m not very good at attracting customers.”

“Yea, they jus’ needa get used t’ya. Don’t know how long that’ll take, tho’.”

Now AJ, Applebloom and I are headed back to Sweet Apple Acres. It’s actually the first place I’ve heard of which has a name that is completely relevant to their business. Carousel Boutique didn’t look like a carnival ride, Golden Oaks library isn’t even yellow, let alone golden, so that just sounds weird. Sugarcube Corner comes close, but misses the mark if you ask me.

It’s quite the trek to the farm, I’m not tired, but I’m pretty sure we aren’t in Ponyville anymore. A big red barn comes into view, so I at least know we’re close.

As Applejack leads us to the farmhouse, a big red stallion comes up. And I mean big. This guy is built like a freaking army tank. Also, he doesn’t even blink when he sees me. Props, big red guy, you have my respect already.

“Howdy, Big Mac, this here’s Anthony, we’ll get you met proper once we’re settled and Granny’s awake.”

“Eeyup.”

Not big on talking apparently. I don’t like chatterboxes much anyway.

After a while, I’m sat down at a table with a bunch of ponies, Applejack informs me that they planned on having me for dinner. Since I’m getting free food, complaining is the last thing I’m going to do. Anyway, introductions start before we actually eat, but that’s fine with me. Applejack begins, pointing to Big Mac. “This here’s Big Macintosh. He’s my big bro and he does all the really heavy lifting and plowing around here.”

“Eeyup.”

“Heh, he don’t usu’lly have much ta say.”

“Nnope.”

“Ya’ll already met ‘Bloom back at th’ market.”

Applebloom asked me a rather sudden question. “How strong are ya? D’ya think you’re stronger than Big Mac?”

I just shrug. “I see no reason why we’d have to compete over something like that, I honestly don’t care.”

“Nnope.”

“Heh, guess ya ain’t gettin’ yer answer from them, sis. Anyway, that over there is Granny Smith. She was here when Ponyville was still just a patch o’ dirt”

“Howdy-doo, young’un.”

Well this mare was... old. Very old. But I wasn’t about to suggest she was weak, oh no, my own grandmother proved that old people could be strong folks.

“Hiya.” I paused. I noticed something was missing. Brother, Sister, Grandma... Where’s AJs parents? “So AJ, is this really everyone?”

“Well... not really. But they ain’t... uh... here.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah, they’re at their own farms all over Equestria.” She then proceeded to list off the most spectacular amount of names I’d ever heard in one sitting. This was one huge family. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Nieces, Nephews, and the she mentioned their extended family including the Oranges. Heh, Apples and Oranges, that’s funny.

Anyway, Applejack produced name after name after name, enough to drown me in words if such a thing was possible. As she kept on a tirade that I had to assume either involved extreme memory or lots of practice,  the rest of the family, well, the ones that were here that is, set the table and brought out the food.

When dinner was finished, it was time for me to leave and the Apples to go to bed. As I walked down the path away from the farmhouse, I noticed someone was following me. I stopped, and eventually my tracker, Applebloom, caught up. She handed me an apple fritter.

“Here, ya can have this for free. I made it mahself!”

“Thanks ‘Bloom, that’s great!”

“I hope ya come visit again soon, this was fun!”

I agree that we should do this again sometime and continue to the field by the schoolhouse. I take a big bite out of the treat. Applebloom did a fantastic job. I think she’s the nicest filly I’ve met today.

Chapter 14

I wake up in the field, and surprisingly, I do so of my own volition. I sit up and enjoy the sun on my skin. In fact, I take off my shirt since it’s so warm. I should still have a few minutes before I head to work. I think about what happens when I Spark. My body goes somewhat see-through, so...

I look down at my bare chest, and Spark up. What I see is really cool. It seems my body just turns into energy of some sort, as my upper body has less of a shape, but more of a suggestion around a white pulsing core. I realize the core is where my heart is, but it’s pulses are much more smooth and slower than my heartbeat. Cool.

I put on my shirt and head off to the train station. I grab the shovel, but after a while I just end up tossing coal in. I start thinking about how I can Spark or grow but not both. They seem to be separate abilities, I ponder what other powers I might have if any. I Spark up and look at my hand. There’s no coal dust on it. I revert, and there’s still no dust, as if Sparking just cleaned me off. Of course my clothes are still filthy, but my skin is perfectly fine. Weird.

I pick up a lump of coal and toss it into the furnace. I decide that it’s rather slow so I grab a handful... but I just end up holding a single lump. I swear I... Woah. I’m holding at least five lumps, but they weigh almost nothing. I know for a fact that coal is denser than this, no matter what world you’re in.

I pick up the entire pile. It weighs nothing. No way. Celestia and I already tested my strength. Thinking about it, I thrust a fist into the side of the train car as hard as I can.

*CLANNNNG*

“Sonofabitch that hurts!”

Okay, I’m not any stronger. But then... how did I lift the entire pile of coal. I pick up a medium sized chunk and inspect it. I squeeze my fist around it, and it starts to crumble. I close my fist, and when I reopen it, there’s nothing but black powder. All I can think of is how that pile of dust used to be a solid chunk of coal. And as I think it, the dust forms back into a solid lump once more.

“Woah...”

I look at my clothes. They’re coated in coal dust. I wave my hand over my shirt, and all the dust lifts off, pooling into my hand. I reform the dust into lumps once more. I look to the pile once more. I hold out my hand, and I command a lump of coal into my grasp. The lump floats up and then lowers itself into my palm. I aim my hand and the coal at the furnace, and the lump flies into the inferno. This is incredible. Wait... the inferno... I take another lump and focus on it. It’s main use as a combustible energy source. Combustion. Fire...

The lump ignites! I can actually burn and manipulate coal at will!

I turn my focus to the rest of the pile. It floats up into the air. All of it. I then crush the entire ensemble into dust, and swirl it around me. Then, I form it into one giant ball of solid coal. I then try more. It becomes a perfect sphere, then a cube. Multiple polygons later, I realize just how much control I have. I don’t know why it only seems to work with coal, but it’s so amazing I honestly don’t care.

I notice that my shift is up, and so I head home, but not before pocketing a lump after converting the floating cubicuboctahedron into the pile it used to be. I didn’t want anyone to walk in and find any complex polyhedra lying around.

I walk down the road, levitating the lump of coal above my hand, repeatedly converting it from dust to solid. Suddenly, an idea hits me. I ignite the coal. I make it burn hot. Hotter. Blazing heat radiating from it. Soon, it’s white-hot. Perfect. I apply pressure to it mentally. As much pressure as I can. I focus on the carbon that is the coal’s atomic makeup.

Pressure. Heat. Pressure. Heat. I start to sweat from exertion. I ignore it. I keep my focus. Soon, I can’t put any more energy into the process. I drop the glowing lump on the ground and catch my breath.

I take another look at the lump. I cool it down, and realize my success. A diamond. It’s rounded and sort of mashed like the lump it used to be, but this is fantastic.

I stand up and raise the diamond above my head, examining it in the light of the sun.

“What in the world?”

I see my new trinket has gathered the attention of a certain white unicorn. This route must be one she takes often.

I respond. “It... it’s a diamond.”

“May... may I see that?”

I hand it to her, she levitates it. “The shape is negligible, but nevertheless... this is amazing. Where in Equestria did you find this, Anthony?” She seems to have completely forgotten her utter hatred of me.

“I made it.”

“Really? How long did it take you?”

I check the clock tower and make an estimate. “About three minutes.”

“Anthony, I’m serious.”

“So am I. I’m just as shocked as you are.”

She looks at me. “You... you really aren’t lying...”

“I need another lump of coal. I have to show Twilight!”

I grab the diamond back and put it into my pocket. I Spark up and think about how I ran when I was racing Rainbow Dash.

It only takes a few moments this time before I burst forward. I then realize my chance. I’m going to run another test. I look ahead and see a few ponies moving some piece of furniture. I head right for them, I act as though they aren’t even there. The ponies freak out as they see me coming, I’m most likely just a blur of radiating cyan light. Nothing will stop me. And it doesn’t.

I dash straight through the couch. I’m an untouchable glow of extreme speed. I realize I need to turn a corner. Uh oh. I think fast and hope my plan works. As soon as I reach where I need to change direction, I angle my body to the side and kick the ground, pushing me to the side. I’m launched down the road and I straighten my path. I’m sure doing that made me lose a lot of speed, but so far, I don’t care. I do know from previous experience that stopping suddenly ends badly, so I accept that if I plan on stopping, I’ll have to slow down first.

I’m approaching the library, so I calm my pace down to a rapid trot and then just a fast walk. I power down and enter the building.

“Twilight! Get your notebook, I have new powers!”

“What!?” The response came from the upper room. I jump up the stairs and open the door to her bedroom.

Once she sees me, she looks furious. “Don’t you ever knock!?”

I ignore her and pull the diamond out of my pocket. The sight of the gem shuts her up rather quick. She’s stammering. Then, she explodes in anger.

“You stole a diamond!?”

I’m almost blown back by her outburst, she is practically foaming at the mouth. I am honestly scared for my safety. I swear her mane is smoking.

“N- no, I didn’t. I made this! I Swear!”

She is hyperventilating, eyes wide. It’s not until she drops to the ground that I realize she had been levitating. She must have been quite angry.

“Anthony... please. Just... what?” Her hyperventilating has calmed down to ragged breathing.

“Sit down, Twi. I’m gonna tell something that’s gonna freak you out.”

“So... you can manipulate coal, set it on fire, and turn it into diamond?”

“Take a look.”

She levitates the diamond closer to her face. “Well... there’s not much denying this used to be a lump of coal, given the shape, but I’d expect a bit more deformation...”

“If I can get some coal, I could show you.”

“I’ll see what I can do, but I’m sure the princesses would like to see this as well.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“What in Equestria is so important that I must be woken up at this abhorrent hour, sister?” Luna asks with a yawn.

“Anthony has something to show us.”

“I’ve already seen what he is capable of.”

I cross my arms. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

“Forgive me if I *yawn* withhold my enthusiasm...”

“Forgiven. Now take a look at this.” I hold up a lump of coal Twilight provided me with. At the moment, she is off to the side armed with parchment, a quill, and protective goggles. Smart girl, that one.

“It is coal.” Luna says, visibly annoyed. Then I turn it to dust and swirl it around her head. I stop the swirling and form it into a cube. “Amazing...” Luna seems hypnotized.

I then grab the cube in my thumb and index finger, and squish it back down into dust. I throw it up into the air, and stop the dust in midair, the particles hovering in the air like an inverted night sky. Luna and Celestia stare at the display in speechless shock.

“Would you kindly bring me more coal?”

Celestia numbly casts a teleportation spell, summoning a bag of coal in front of me.

“Now I’ll do something interesting.” I pull up a bunch of coal, and add it to my own, and make a perfectly round orb. I continue showing a bunch of shapes. Curves, faces, angles, twists. I return it to a sphere. I toss it into the air and it starts spinning. It splits into two and, as dust once more, I pull it around my hands, where it solidifies. I have made a nice set of gauntlets.

I grab the rest of the coal from the sack and form a thick, round barrier around me which tessellates into a mass of thin, sharp blades. The blades fly up and whirl around in the air, and become edged wheels, flattening further into saw blades. At this point, Twilight has moved to her third ink well. The blades combine, becoming dull and long. I grab it and give my new baseball bat a few heavy swings. The bat thins out and lengthens into a sword. I hold the blade up, pointing it’s blade toward the ceiling, then bring it down with a rapid slash. There’s still some coal left over, so I use it to fashion myself a buckler as well.

Celestia approaches me. “Anthony, that’s... fantastic! You-”

I hold up my hand to stop her. “If you would please step back, I will continue.”

Celestia backs up once more. Luna is too amazed to say or do anything. I feel so incredible. The immortal princesses of Equestria are awestruck by me. Me!

I remove the buckler, and focus on the sword. It bursts into flame, causing gasps of surprise from all three ponies present. I swing it around, a trail of flame following the blade with each slice. I then compress the sword into a pair of balls of fire. I toss them around, controlling their movements through the air, like small meteors, blazing around the room at high speed. I then have them slam into each other and burst like a firework, flaming coal pebbles rain from the explosion. I then form them into a giant ring of fire overhead. I put it out and bring it down, compressing it along with more coal into a solid crescent moon shape. Luna walks up to it, but I stop her.

“The finale is not over yet.” I pause. “If you don’t have protective eyewear, I’d suggest you stay far back.”

Both princesses back up, not taking their eyes off my sculpture. I focus on what I did with the other lump of coal. If I can make a diamond that retains it’s shape...

My equine audience stares on as I heat it up. I repeat the earlier process. Sweat beads on my forehead. I wipe it away, putting more effort into the conversion. After a while, I’m worn out. I don’t remember falling, but I’m on my knees anyway. The white hot coal cools, revealing a stunning formation. The diamond is in a perfect moon shape, exactly as it was as coal. I’m so tired.

Luna approaches me once more. I hand the jewel to her. She thanks me just before I black out.

Chapter 15

My head is throbbing. My body feels weak. But I’m awake. I sit up and realize I’m in some sort of infirmary. There’s no needles or anything stuck in me. Good. I hate needles.

My head is still pounding when I hear someone walk in. It’s Twilight.

“So... how’d you like the show?” I ask weakly.

“I’m not sure if you’re amazing, or the most recklessly irresponsible person in history.”

“Why not be both?”

She sighed. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Awwww...” I give her a hug which she returns. Is this the strangest ‘friendship’ ever or what?

After the hug ends, she pulls a book out of her saddlebags. “I brought you something to read.”

I groan, remembering Rainbow Dash’s hospitalization story. “Not Daring Do, please?”

“Don’t worry, it’s a book on magic. You seemed interested, so I figured I’d get you something a bit more in-depth.”

“Actually Twilight.” Luna walks in, wearing the diamond moon I made like a pendant. Awww, she cares. “I think he should get some rest. All that energy usage was very draining for him.”

I actually think about that. “Hey Twilight, do you have a blank book, like a journal?”

“Not with me, but I could bring you one.”

“Do that. I’ll get some rest. Just leave the book here if I’m still asleep.”

“Okay.” Both her and Luna leave me to my thoughts. I want the journal to write down the interesting things I know, want to know, and theories I have about my powers. For example, I’ve seen unicorns use spells and get tired. That’s normal, but using spells steadily drains them and eventually they get too weak to do anything. On the other hand, my powers take energy from me as well, but instead of steadily getting weaker, I can use my powers continually at full power, but once I stop, the fatigue hits me all at once.

Going into my Spark form alone doesn’t cost me anything, but using related abilities like speed and intangibility do have an effect, once I return to normal, I do notice being a bit tired. I’m tired now... Luna’s right, I should sleep...

I wake up and I look to the left. There’s a red book with a clasp on it. Must be the journal Twilight brought me. I reach for it, but I feel some resistance from my right arm. I look to the right and I see an IV stand. Oh no... I look down at my arm. Needle!

I scream, ripping the needle from my arm. I knock the IV stand as far away from me as possible. The scream has made a pony come into the room. I’m freaking out too much to notice what it looks like. My breathing is ragged as all I can do mutter is a mantra of fear.

“I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles I hate needles.”

I look at the pony. “No more needles. No more needles...” The pony nods and backs away slowly, exiting the room once more.

It takes a while, but eventually I calm down. I then realize I had been holding my arms across my chest and shivering the entire time. I hate needles.

Exhausted, I pass out once more.

When I wake up, I snap my head side to side. No IV, no needle. I relax with a heavy sigh. I reach for the journal. There’s a small bag of coal next to it, a note on it saying “Try this before you use a quill. Let me know how it goes. Twilight Sparkle.”

Heh, this could be interesting.

I pull some coal dust up and form them into letters, pressing them against the first page of the journal. They stick. I can even write with coal. I pull letters and punctuation marks back off. I even have a backspace button. Awesome.

I ‘write’ down all I’ve learned about my powers, what I want to learn, and multiple theories. Wait. I can solve one right now.

I Spark up, and try to lift some coal into the air. It works, but it also forces me to power down. I try again, this time not lifting the coal, but setting it on fire. I Spark up and focus on the result. Fire. Heat. Burning. I see the glow around my arm pulse. Once, twice. I put more effort into it. I stop thinking about the coal and just what I want to happen. I want to see fire.

Suddenly, my arms lights up in a bright flash. When it subsides, I see that the glow has changed to a bright orange, my actual arm is a strong shade of vermillion. I then notice that the bed sheets have caught fire!

The coal didn’t heat up, I did! I realize that the flames of the blankets don’t hurt at all. I get up out of the bed. How far can I take this?

I focus on getting hotter. To burst into flames. And I do. My body is a blazing inferno, flames leaping from me. I look in a mirror. My features are obscured by the blazing, crackling fire. But my eyes are still visible as bright lights. Shining brighter than the flames. Then I hear a loud, piercing, shrill noise. Then I’m wet. My fire is put out and so is the bed. It takes a few moments to realize I set off a fire alarm. Right after I finish that thought, a few ponies rush into the room. I’m standing there, shocked and wet. They stare at me. They probably weren’t entirely aware of exactly what was in this room. I grab the journal and the sack of coal, leaping out a nearby window. I then realize I was on the third or fourth floor. Crap.

Luckily, my neck breaks my fall. And by luckily, I mean. “Ohhhhhh holy mother of god that hurts...”

I look up and realize I’m in Canterlot. Massaging my neck, I decide to pay the princesses another visit. I approach the gates and there are more guards. I’m too tired to try anything. “I’m not feeling up to kicking your butts, so can you just get Princess Celestia for me? Thanks.”

They stare at me dumbfounded. After a minute, one of the guards flaps his wings, rising into the air and flying towards the castle.

I sit down cross-legged on the ground. I don’t feel like standing. After a few moments, the familiar flash of light appears in front of the guards. At Celestia’s presence, they immediately fall to their knees, bowing in respect. Pussies.

Celestia takes one look at me and sighs, rolling her eyes. One flash later and I’m inside the castle once more.

“Anthony, if your current health condition wasn’t in question, I’d smack you for your stupidity.”

“Wouldn’t be the worst I’ve gotten.” I smirk.

“What am I going to do with you?”

“Feed me?”

The princess places her hoof to her forehead, sighing again.

“Fine, if you’re hungry, I suppose I should oblige.”

“Got any chicken?”

She looks at me. “What?”

“Fried chicken. Or steak. I’m not picky.”

“You... eat meat?”

I open my mouth wide, pointing to my cuspids, designed specifically for the tearing of meat.

It takes a moment for Celestia to respond. “...I see. But you also seem to have teeth for grinding vegetables.”

“Fruit is fine too, but I prefer a protein-centered diet.”

“How many ponies know of this... preferred diet?”

“A vast majority seems to think I might eat them, but I won’t eat anything sentient. Especially not raw. Your subjects are perfectly safe, no matter how hungry I get. But there’s no guarantees if they piss me off.“

“I’m aware of what you did with my guards the other day.”

“Unless you consider a possibly bruised chest an injury, I didn’t cause them any harm.”

“What I heard was... different.”

“A panicked mind tends to exaggerate, I’m sure you know that.”

“I do. So, what do you want, aside from food? Oh, the kitchen is this way.” She leads me through the castle as we continue our conversation.

“Well, I have developed a new skill while I was in hospital.”

“You did? Interesting.”

“Yeah. Also, speaking of hospitals, I’d prefer if you make some sort of clause for me where I am exempt from needles of any form.”

“But we may not be able to test your vitals if I do.”

“I’d rather take that risk, thank you.”

“I suppose I could do something about that. As long as you understand the problems that might arise from this.”

“I am. I just hate needles a lot. So, when do we eat?”

“Well, I’m not sure what has been prepared, if anything, but the kitchen is right here.”

“Perfect. I’m starving.”

We walk into the kitchen, and I see a bowl of prepared cookie dough. Sweet! “Oooh, cookie dough.” I reach for a handful, but a hoof slaps my hand away.

“Animal! You have not even washed your hooves! Do not touch my batter!”

“Yeah, whatever.” I grab the bowl and reach in, pulling out a chunk, the chef pony looks disgusted. Don’t care, I have cookie dough.

Celestia looks a bit angry. I take another chunk of dough and hand it to her. “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want some?”

Celestia blinks. “No matter how much time I spend with you, I don’t know what to think of you. Your hygiene is terrible, and yet you share. You terrorize my ponies, but offer friendship and compassion. You insult others without much provocation, and yet value friends like priceless treasures. I wonder if you are even sane, sometimes.”

“I’m probably not. Sanity is overrated.” I take another bite of the dough.

“You know raw eggs are not good for you. You could get sick. I insist you at least let us bake that first.”

“Nah, I’ll do it myself.” I Spark up and concentrate on what I did earlier. This time focusing the fire on just my hand rather than my entire body. My body glows reddish and flames engulf my hand and the ball of dough.

Celestia backs up in shock. I then stop the burning. I realize I’ve made an actual cookie, but burned it. “Huh, guess I need a bit more practice. Oh well.” I eat the burnt cookie anyway and power down. Celestia stammers. “H- how... I thought you could only do that with coal?”

“I told you, I developed an new power. It seems to be a separate skill from my coal manipulation, as it’s linked to my Spark form, but I can’t manipulate coal in my Spark form.”

“Amazing... how many powers do you think you have?”

“No idea, but this is so cool.” I grin and cook another piece of dough. “Figuratively speaking, that is.”

This time, I stop the blaze sooner and I managed to bake the cookie properly. I hand it to Celestia. As soon as her hoof touches it, she pulls away. “That’s hot!”

I take a bite of it. “Not really.” Still chewing, I power down again. Suddenly it feels like I just drank lava. I spit out the cookie. “Hot hot hot hot hot hot!” I rush to the sink and turn it on, gulping down water by the mouthful. My mouth has cooled down, but my tongue still feels scalded.

“It seems that you are immune to heat while in your fire form.” Celestia mused.

“Did you think of that yourself?”

“I had a physical demonstration as a visual aid, but yes.”

“Did I mention how human you are?”

Chapter 16

I don’t realize what time it is until Celestia excuses herself to lower the sun. I don’t really understand it, but I guess in magic ponyland, all kinds of science stops working. Won’t stop me from applying it though. After all, it’s official that my powers aren’t based on magic.

I decide to give myself a tour of the castle. It’s not long before I get lost. This place is huge. Then I see a pony guard. I figure I can ask for direc- That’s not a pony!

It’s pony shaped, but the eyes are reptilian, noticeable fangs, and it’s wings aren’t feathered, they have a visible membrane like a bat. That is awesome!

I’m approached by the unusual ungulate, and so I address him. “Hiya, what’s up?” He studies me for a moment before speaking. “I assume you are Anthony?”

“You would be correct.”

“I have been ordered to take you to the Princess of the Night, she wishes an audience with you.”

As girly as a princess position is, Luna has got to have the coolest title I have ever heard. “Alright.”

I follow him through the hallways. “So... what does Luna want with me?”

“She did not relay that information to me. I was only instructed to retrieve you.”

“Ah.”

We walk in silence until we come to an ornate door, stylized with blacks and dark shades of blue, highlighted by specks of white for stars. The doorknob is a crescent moon. Fancy.

The guard opens the door and ushers me inside, closing the door behind me. Luna is standing in the middle of the room. “Just the person I wanted to see.”

“I’m the only person to see, the rest of y’all are horses of some kind.”

“Yes, quite.”

I notice she’s still wearing the diamond moon I made. “Heh, liking my little creation, are we?”

“Yes. It is very beautiful. That makes it a very interesting product when one considers the source...”

“So did you bring me here just to throw me a few backhanded compliments, or did you just miss the wonderful sound of my voice?”

“Neither. I want to talk with you.”

“About what?”

“You.” I give a cocky smirk. “And your potential to be a dangerous threat that should be stopped.” Smirk is gone, serious business now.

“What.”

“Celestia shared the results of your... performance exam.”

“The one the guards take?”

“Exactly. With even your basic abilities, you are capable of causing a bit of trouble, but with your powers, and the ability to defuse magic at times...”

“I’m pretty much the toughest guy in town.”

“And possibly Equestria. With each new ability you develop, the more of a potential threat you become. If you chose to rampage, I’m not sure how much damage you could cause before you were finally stopped.”

“Probably a good portion of Equestria.”

“Exactly my point. My sister may disagree, but I believe that with just how powerful you are, you could become a serious problem for the populace. Without a leash, that is.”

That pushed a button.

“Leash? Leash!? You want to tie me down? Lock me up like a beast!?”

“Well I-”

“Like a common animal? I don’t think so. I don’t care how you insult me or hurt me, because you’re a princess, I should respect you. But anyone and I mean anyone who tries to lock me up? They will not be spared my rage.”

“Are you saying you are superior to me, mortal?”

“I’m saying you should watch what you threaten me with.”

“If you oppose me, I will make sure you rot in a dungeon!” She tries to push me to my knees with her magic. I fight back, but with words.

“I know why you really did it.”

“Did what?”

“I know why you locked up Discord. The real reason.”

“What? You may have heard our stories, but you know nothing of Discord!”

“Do I? You made him sound rather powerful. Dangerously powerful. So you imprisoned him in stone. You didn’t do it because he was evil, you did it because he opposed your positions as rulers, because he could potentially beat you.”

“You dare imply-”

“You don’t care about your subjects, you just want anyone stronger than you out of your way. You’re tyrants!”

“We are not! That is not why we imprisoned Discord!”

“But it’s why you want to imprison me. If you try it now, what’s to say you didn’t do it before?”

“If you knew Discord, you wouldn’t say that.”

“I don’t know him.” An idea flashes into my mind. “But I intend to.”

“What!?”

“I’m going to release Discord. I want his story!”

“Everyone experiences things differently, he will make himself sound like the victim!”

“Just like the eight of you did earlier?”

“Th- that’s different!”

“Says you.”

“You believe you can fairly judge us?”

“I’m not judging you, I’m telling you what I see from your actions, and right now, I see power-hungry dictators using the guise of kind protectors!”

“To think I considered you a friend! You will not release Discord, I forbid it!”

I Spark up and ignite, Luna becoming shocked at my new form. “I. Obey. *Nobody***.”

I grab her horn and charge my flames into it. I hear her scream in pain as I burn what I had learned was the most sensitive part of a unicorn or Alicorn’s body. Thank you Twilight, your books are very helpful.

I squeeze harder and she screams. The bat-pony guard rushes in. I let go of Luna’s horn and watch her slump to the floor. The guard charges at me, but my intangibility makes him phase right through me. I spin around, grab him by the neck, and smash his face into the floor of Luna’s room. Still holding by the neck, I carry him out of the room and stare into his eyes with my red starbursts. “Take me to the gardens. Show me where Discord is.” I then drop him to the ground. He begins walking weakly down the hall.

Now we are outside, and he is leading me around a corner. We come to a medium-sized wooden building that definitely looks rather well-reinforced, and it’s unguarded.

I Power down, and access the sack of coal in my pocket. I fashion a lump of coal into a dagger and hold it to the guard’s neck. “You think I’m stupid?” I whisper harshly. “You think I don’t know what a barracks looks like? I walk in there with a wounded guard, and I’m swarmed by whatever members of the platoon aren’t on-duty. That’s your game?” I coat the dagger in flames. “Well, playtime’s over, you have one more chance. Try and play me for a fool again, and your corpse won’t even be solid.” He nods, sweating either from fear, or the heat of my dagger. Like I actually give a shit.

Finally, we come up to a bunch of statues. A lot of them are of ponies in various poses. Then, there’s a special one. It certainly looked like what Discord was described as looking, though a lot less dangerous. He actually looked scared. I knew that the princesses were just spewing propaganda. Well, let’s see what they think of imprisoning others once their prisoners are broken loose...

Chapter 18

“Anthony! What is going on? Why is Discord free!?”

“If you forgot, I mentioned my intention of meeting him. And I consider you a liar.”

“What?”

“We spent the entirety of last night causing chaos, and I honestly didn’t see him do anything nearly as bad as you say he did.”

A guard rushes in and slides into a kneel at Celestia’s hooves. “Y- your highness, P- princess Luna, she’s been attacked!”

Celestia’s eyes burn with rage. “Discooooooord!!”

I step in front of her. “Actually, that was me.”

Both Celestia and Discord gasp. Discord pulls me towards him. “You hurt Luna!?” He seems... a bit angry.

“In the past, I’ve made it clear that I do not tolerate anyone who desires my imprisonment, and when Luna summoned me to her chambers last night, she had the nerve to suggest just that, even while wearing the diamond moon I blacked out to give her.”

Discord and Celestia blink, but Discords finds words first. “Woah, that’s harsh. Both of you, I mean. So what’d you do?”

“Why don’t you go see for yourself.”

“Geez kid, you’re pretty dark.”

“Yep.”

Luna has been moved from the floor to her bed, but her horn is still very visibly damaged, the dark burn marks easy to see, even against the dark blue of her horn.

“You know, Luna pissed me off so much, that technically she’s the reason why I decided to release Discord in the first place.”

Celestia magically yanks me towards herself. “You suggest that my sister is the one at fault here!?”

I keep my calm. “Of course not. I attacked her, if anyone’s to blame, it’s probably me.”

This earned a “Woah.” from Discord and a deeper glare from Celestia. “So Celestia. Do you wanna try and beat me again? Just remember that the only reason you nearly killed me was because I wasn’t prepared.”

“The only reason you are alive is because I spared you!”

Discord was now watching the proceedings unfold, laying in a lawn chair and eating popcorn.

“No, you didn’t kill me because you didn’t want to look like a murderer in front of Twilight.”

This really catches Discord’s attention. “Twilight? Twilight Sparkle? Oh my, I certainly missed quite a lot of delicious chaos, didn’t I? Anywhats, I believe it is time we make our leave.”

I realize Discord means that he’s going to teleport us, so I make sure my last words make an impact. “Call me when you get a sense of humor and humility.”

“Daaaaaayum girl, you got burned!” Discord snaps his fingers and we’re outside the castle.

“You certainly have guts, kid.” Discord comments. “And you must be tough to beat Luna. How good are you at magic?”

“I’m not. I don’t use magic. My powers are natural abilities that make themselves known over time.”

“Very interesting, but just to check...” He snaps his fingers. “There, I’ve negated any access you have to magic. If you try anything related to magic, it won’t work.”

I grab some coal from my pocket and demonstrate a few tricks just as usual. Then I Spark up and pick up a stick, jabbing it into my chest, successfully demonstrating intangibility. Then I Ignite and incinerate the stick to ashes. I power down, and grow until the tallest tree around is as big as a toothpick, then I shrink back down to normal. Discord’s jaw is literally touching the ground, his eyes wider than dinnerplates.

“I can also cancel out magic if I’m aware of it being used before it affects me.”

“Really?”

“Ask Twilight. The Elements of Harmony were a joke.”

“You stopped the Elements!?”

“Wasn’t that hard, honestly.”

“But... no counterspell is that strong!”

“I thought we settled that I don’t use magic.”

“So you can stop the Elements of Harmony?”

“Yup.”

“And defeat Princess Luna using just your hand?”

“In ten seconds if I’m close.”

Discord pulls out a referee whistle and blows hard, raising his arms. “Watch out, we got a gamebreaker over here!”

“Heh, I suppose. Now, how about we go pay Twilight a visit?”

“That sounds like an absolute delight!”

“Well, we’re here, anyway.”

“We are? Huh. Well, I admit this town did look quite different last time I was around.”

“Really? What was it like?”

“Reversed gravity, purple-checkered grass, soap roads, and cotton-candy clouds that rained exploding chocolate milk.”

“You, Sir Discord, are my hero.” I give an exaggerated bow of respect.

“You have no idea how much I appreciate someone who sees my work the way I do.”

“I might have an estimate at least. Anyway, what say we say hi to the librarian?” I walk in the door and see Twilight reading a book as usual.

She looks up and rushes to me immediately. “Where have you been!? I checked the hospital, but they said you ran off!”

“I didn’t like their methods, so I left. I spent the rest of the time in Canterlot. Although I spent a night in Trottingham.”

“Trottingham!?”

“Yep. By the way, I made a new friend.”

“Really? That’s great! Who is it?”

“I think you know him.”

Discord pops out from behind me. “Oh, how wonderful it is to see you, Twilight Sparkle!”

She stammers... “D- Dis-” *whump* and faints.

I’ve moved Twilight to her bed, and sit by her side until she wakes up. I assume Spike was out running errands. “A- Anthony?”

“Hiya Twilight, you feeling okay?”

“Not really. What happened?”

“You ran up to me as I walked in and tripped, you hit your head.”

“Oh. I had the worst dream.”

“You did? Do tell.” It’s hard to keep from laughing.

“I dreamed that, you freed Discord. I’m soooo glad you didn’t. It would have been a disaster.”

“A disaster? You mean like this?” I chuckle, holding up a mirror. Twilight sees her reflection and completely flips out.

While she was unconscious, Discord and I pulled out some markers and drew all over her face. I gave her nerd glasses, buck-teeth and a fancy moustache. Her forehead just below her horn had “Discord was here!” on it and a smily face on each cheek. Seeing her reaction, I positively lose it and fall off the bed laughing like nuts, and after a moment, Discord pops in and joins me.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!”

Now I’m being chased out of the library, dodging books which are being flung at me. I could Spark up and go intangible, but when she thinks she might hit me, it’s just more fun.

Then I get another idea. I grab one of the books. It’s Daring Do. Perfect. I run over to the window. “Hey, Twilight! You should really be more careful about who you throw books at!”

I dangle the book in my right hand as I Spark up and forming a single flame on my left index finger, my mouth a naughty ‘o’ shape as I slowly move my left finger closer to the flammable piece of bad literature.

“Don’t you f@%$ing dare!!”

“Oh my, someone learned a big-girl word!”

“Anthony, you are *so dead***!!”

Chapter 19

I Spark up and run off as fast as possible, heading deeper towards the center of Ponyville.

It takes a few moments, but Discord pops up next to me again. “Geez, your fast. I actually had to look for you!”

“Not faster than Rainbow Dash, what with her Sonic Rainboom.”

“Eh, like that matters. Let’s have some fun!”

“Yes, let’s. But what first?”

“Hmmm, well, I suppose it depends on the targets, doesn’t it?”

“Right you are Discord... and I just thought of the perfect trick for the perfect target.”

“Oh, joy! Where is our victim?”

“Best guess? Carousel Boutique.”

We are in our usual position: The rooftop on the other side of the road from our target. I can see Rarity doing her designing schtick.

“So, what are we going to do?” Discord asks. “Soak her in soda? Dye her coat? Turn her hair into a snake?”

“Discord, have you ever read a book called the Velveteen Rabbit?”

“No, I have not.”

“In it, a rabbit is made of velvet and he wants to be real, yadda yadda. Anyway, a bunch of happy-feely magic crap later, he becomes real and has fur.”

“So?”

“Let’s do a reverse.”

After a moment, he realizes I mean changing her coat to velvet. “Wait, but velvet is silky and soft, wouldn’t she like that?”

“I had a different material in mind.”

Moments later, we’re outside the window, watching Rarity. With a snap of Discord’s talons, Rarity’s coat, unbeknownst to her, has made a very drastic transformation. I walk into the boutique.

As I walk in, I hear Rarity start her little advert.

“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chique, uni-... oh, it’s you.” Her voice went from chipper to chilled in an instant.

“Listen Rarity. I came to apologize. I know I was a jerk to your sister, and I’m sorry. I... I was just having a bad day and I took it out on her. I didn’t mean to be so harsh but... could you find it in your heart to forgive me? Supposing Sweetie Belle does as well...”

The unicorns eyes soften almost immediately. “Anthony, what you did was horrible, but if you truly mean that... I suppose we can start on a path to recovery.”

“Thanks Rarity that means a... lot... to...”

“Is something the matter, darling?”

“Y- your coat! What’s happened!?”

She looks down and notices her fur. It’s brown, saggy and rough. She starts to freak out and rushes to a mirror. Her entire body, all that used to be white was transformed. When the realization hits her she screams. She tries to cast a few spells, but it doesn’t work. She rushes over to me. “Anthony, I appreciate what you are here to do, but there is a very important matter I must attend to immediately!”

“I understand Rarity, do whatever you need to.” I walk out and meet up with Discord by the window. He’s laughing like crazy. “Th- the look on her face! Burlap fur? Priceless. Anthony, you are a genius!”

I bow once more. “Oh no, Discord, I could do nothing without your magic, the credit is yours to take.”

“Then I’ll take it!” He grins. “Though what was that little apology speech about?”

“Let’s just say that I’ve been an asshole to a lot of ponies.”

“Very well, any more ponies you can think of that we can mess with?”

“Of course I do, and I’ve already got some ideas.”

“Wonderful!” Discord clasps his hands together in excitement. “Let’s get started right away!”

I’m definitely having a good time. Each of my plans is better than the next, Discord in a near constant state of laughter. God I love that laugh. His normal method was good, but a bit wide spread. That’s good for a few laughs, but when you take time to work your plans around a small amount of ponies at a time, you can get much more intricate, and the result has a lot more effect.

I spend the rest of the day teaching Discord about the wonders of laser-guided chaos, and he loves it.

But I do admit I miss what he did in Trottingham. Turning a quiet little urban sprawl into a city of raving crazies. Beautiful...

We decide that this should be our finale: Ponyville Two: Electric Boogaloo.

The sun is now a disco ball, all the ponies have rollerskates, and the roads and grass has been converted into a huge skating rink.

We then start a competition with us as the judges. If a pony is bad at skating, we pull a rope and dump a bucket of goo on them. Those that are good at skating entertain us in the natural way.

Then I think of something. “Hey Discord. Do you plan on doing things like this every day? Not the same tricks, but chaos in general?”

“Of course!”

“Well, that could get bland.”

This shocks the Spirit. “How!?”

“Even if new tricks are played each day, eventually, no matter how wild or crazy it gets, the ponies will get used to it. They’ll just expect something crazy to happen. Even if they don’t know exactly what will happen, they still expect chaos, and if something is expected, there’s no shock value and it becomes boring.”

“So... you’re suggesting that we take a few days off every once in a while, let them think things are normal, and then do it again?”

“You could do that. Or we could undo all of this, and suddenly, none of these ponies remember anything as it never happened, allowing us to cause all the havoc we want until we finally run out of material.”

“That’s glorious! But how do we do that?”

“Well, just turn back time and-”

“No! No messing with time. That stuff is way too complex, and while I can easily handle whatever problem may arise from it, I don’t want to have to deal with it if I don’t have to.”

“You have a point, time travel is rather delicate. Guess we’ll have to go with the plan where we take a few days off.”

“Agreed.”

We shake hands by grabbing each others' left ankle and hopping up and down three times on our right feet.

Chapter My Age at the Time of Writing

The next day, I wake up in the field by the schoolhouse as usual. I then notice the schoolhouse is upside-down and flooded. Discord. Heh, I can’t wait to see Cheerilee’s face when she-

“H- heeeeelp!”

What?

“Help! Somepony!”

That’s... a kid!

I grow bigger, and jump towards the schoolhouse's floating, upside-down doorway. When I’ve pushed off the ground, I shrink back down and let the momentum carry me. I then end up in the water inside. I swim to the surface and I see a little filly, treading water, but failing from exhaustion.

“Help! He-*blub*”

No. No children get hurt. I Spark up and dive down into the water. Eventually I see the filly, just floating under the surface, bubbles of air leaving her mouth. She’s not moving.

Come on, just a bit further... I push forward as quickly as I can, and eventually I reach her. I grab her limp form in my arm and I pull us both to the surface. I then realize that the Schoolhouse has been flooding even further. At this point, I can’t reach the door without risking submerging the kid.

I think fast. There must be something... the coal! I retrive a lump from my pocket. It’s wet, but it should still work. I form it into a buzzsaw like I did earlier and use it to carve out a hole in the wall nearby. It lets water out, the current pulling me under. I can’t stop now. I keep my focus, making the hole bigger. Eventually I can fit through the hole, and I leap out. I tumble on the ground, rolling head over heels as I clutch the filly to my chest. She coughs up water. She’s breathing, but barely.

“Don’t you die on me, kid.” I say. “Nobody dies today.”

I Spark up and run as fast as I can towards Ponyville. It might be afflicted by more chaotic shenanigans or not, I’m not paying attention. I’m focusing on saving this filly.

I rush through Ponyville, and I stop a panicking pony. She’s about to run from me but I grab her tail. “Where’s a medical center?” She’s still freaking out. “Ma’am, where’s a medical center? This filly needs help now!”

That got her attention. She calms down a bit and points me in the direction of the Ponyville Hospital. I dash off, I feel the wind stop resisting. Not even the forces of nature will stop me from saving this child.

I reach the hospital and I don’t start slowing down until I’m already in the lobby. I leap towards the desk. Luckily, there’s a doctor who hasn’t left, he’s just cowering behind a file cabinet.

“Doctor, this child is in trouble!”

“Wh- what?” He finally notices me.

“This filly needs attention immediately!”

Once he sees the filly, he suddenly loses his fear, rushing us to an ER.

“What’s wrong?”

“She was drowning when I found her.”

“Leave her here. I’ll handle this and locate her parents later.”

“Good. I’m going to stop this.”

I finally get a look at Ponyville as I dash outside. Holy mother of god. There was obviously chaos applied here, but it seems that it’s not being monitored. That idiot.

I decide that I’ve had enough. This will end. I rush towards the library.

“Twilight!” I yell out for the librarian. I run inside and find Twilight casting spell after spell, trying to fix each new chaotic happenstance, but as soon as one issue is resolved, another makes itself known.

“Anthony! What have you done!?.”

“Something you can punish me for later. We need to find your friends.”

I’m running along, searching for the Spirit of Chaos, when I hear his laugh. Loud and clear, I can tell it’s coming from the Town Hall.

I get up onto the roof in a similar way to how I got inside the flooded schoolhouse.

“Oh, Anthony! You’ve been missing a great show! Watch this!”

He proceeds to summon a giant bowling ball, and knocks over a bunch of houses like ten-pins, smashing them to splintered wrecks.

“Steeeeeerike one, they’re out! Ahahahahahahahaaaa!”

“Discord, stop this!”

“What?”

“Stop this now. You’ve gone too far. Ponies are getting seriously hurt!”

“Oh come on, they can’t be that bad. Bruises clear up quick.”

I tackle Discord all the way to the ground. “You asshole, you caused chaos and walked away! If chaos isn’t monitored, there’s no telling what could happen.”

“And here I thought you enjoyed chaos!”

“I do. I don’t enjoy those who are too irresponsible to wield its power properly!”

“You dare!? I am the master of chaos! I am chaos!”

“Then I think chaos should have a new master!” I punch him in the face with a flaming fist.

“Agh, you little prick. My powers are limitless, do you really think you can stop me!?”

Suddenly there’s a bright flash from behind Discord. “No. No I can’t. But they can.”

“What?”

A blast of rainbow rushes forward.

“No! Noooo!”

He tries to fly off, put I grab his tail and hurl him into the rainbow. “Sorry Discord, time to taste the rainbow!”

He blinks. “Ha, that’s actually pretty fun-”

In a blast of rainbow light, he’s a statue once more, and ponyville is back to normal.

Twilight and her friends approach me. “Thanks for distracting Discord for us.”

“Yeah, that got way out of hand.”

In a burst of light, Celestia is standing in front of me. “I completely agree, Anthony.” Her voice dripping with hatred.

“I admit I enjoy a bit of chaos, but that’s a power someone should have to earn.”

Celestia sighs, nodding. “I still have no idea what to make of you, Anthony. Why did you let Discord go and let this happen?”

“I didn’t think this is what would happen if he didn’t have a supervisor. While I was around, the worst that happened was somebody got messy or bruised. But when I’m not watching, Discord just went nuts.”

“Now you understand why he can never be let out.”

“Oh, I plan on releasing him again.”

Everyone around me shared a collective “What!?”

Celestia stammers. “I know you saw what he did! Why in the world would you want that again!?”

“It’s not going to happen again. He does need a time-out though. In a few months, I want to let him out and teach him how to use chaos responsibly. That much power could be very useful. Chaos doesn’t have to be destructive. A lot of good can come of it.”

“But...”

I hold up my hand to stop Celestia’s words. “I see Discord as being similar to me. He doesn’t want to be imprisoned, so when you do it, he just gets angry, rather than learning a lesson. I want to reform him, but if we use your methods, it will only make it worse.”

Celestia sighs. “You are right, I suppose. Some ponies must be guided, not punished, if you want them to learn. It seems Discord is no different. But how will you guide him? You saw what he’s capable of.”

“Yes, but when I was with him, he was nothing more than a prankster. He didn’t have to turn cities into life-threatening hazards. He could have, but he didn’t need to.”

“Why not?”

“Because I was there. I was someone he could share a laugh with. I was a friend. He didn’t need to do anything drastic, just pulling temporary minor inconveniences on others was enough to get a laugh out of me, and having someone to laugh with is much different than having an entire continent to laugh at.”

“So what you’re saying is...”

“We reform him by befriending him. We show him tolerance and compassion. This utter hatred of him doesn’t help anyone, all it does is make things worse. If you keep imprisoning him, eventually he’ll want revenge, and do you really want a Discord who actually wants to hurt people?”

Celestia cringes at the thought. “No, we can’t let that happen. I agree. We should reform Discord. But for now, he will stay imprisoned while we try and recover from this disaster.”

Rainbow Dash speaks up. “I think he should stay locked up longer than that. You have no idea what he did to the weather schedule!”

I think for a moment. “A year. We will give him a year. After that, we will let him out.”

Rainbow Dash butts heads with me. “Five years!”

“One year!”

“Five!”

“One!”

Twilight separates us. “How about we compromise. Three years. Also, Anthony, I don’t think you should reform Discord alone.”

“What!? Why not?”

“Because, you let him out in the first place, you egged him on. Sure you didn’t intend for him to go this far, but you still enjoy his chaos a bit too much. We need somepony else as well.”

“Fine. We’ll think on who it should be after the three years are up.”

Celestia nods, and teleports herself and Discords statue back to Canterlot.

I turn to leave towards the hospital. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check up on a certain filly.”

I walk up to the counter at the hospital, and ask about the filly I brought in during the disaster. Even without a description, this was easy as she was the only one admitted during the event.

I’m led to her room, and I crouch down by her bed. I actually get a look at her. She’s a young pegasus, with a white coat, and a cyan mane. I see her begin to stir. She opens her eyes. They’re a light lavender. She looks up at me. “You saved me...”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to see anyone get hurt.”

“My mommy said you’re a monster.”

“Well, you tell your mommy she’s forgiven for calling me that.”

“Okay, mister. Wait, what’s your name?”

I pause. I’m not sure if I want to... we’re alone. There’s nobody around. I smile and whisper in her ear. She giggles. “Heh, that’s a funny name!”

“Yeah, I know. So what about you kid?”

“I’m Cotton Cloudy!”

“And you think my name is silly?”

We share a laugh, and then a doctor comes in. “As much as we appreciate you bringing in this filly, she needs her rest, so we must ask you to leave. Besides, visiting hours ended a few minutes ago.”

“Alright, I guess I’m out of here.” I say, standing up. I ruffle the filly’s hair “Get well soon, Cotton.”

“Bye Ant-”

I stop her. “Please, call me Anthony.”

“Okay, g’bye Anthony!”

Chapter 21

It’s been a week since the issue with Discord. I’m walking along the streets of Ponyville, it seems the ponies have gotten used to me, as I’m not even turning any heads. Speaking of, the ponies don’t look as happy as they usually are. Some look depressed, others look worn out. They aren’t exactly sluggish, but there’s a distinct lack of energy from them. Strange.

I head down the road, and come to a few ponies who don’t seem too affected. I wave to them, but they just ignore me. The ponies are usually a little more friendly. I mean, I’m not a pony, but come on!

I decide to visit Cotton Cloudy. At least she likes me. I head to the hospital and ask to see Cotton. The doctor looks puzzled. “Wait, is she still here?” He flips through some papers. “That’s strange. She’s been listed as healthy since two days ago, but nopony’s come to pick her up...”

That pushes a button in my head. “Take me to her.”

“Uh, s- sure.”

Given his reaction, I’m probably glowing. I look at my arm, yep, glowing. I’m too riled up to care though. I can’t imagine such an irresponsible parent.

I walk in and see Cotton Cloudy reading a book. It’s Daring Do, of course. I speak up. “Come on, Cotton, put down that drivel. I’m taking you home.”

“Anthony!” There, that’s exactly what I needed, someone happy to see me.

The doctor interjects. “I’m sorry, but unless you are a legal guardian of hers, I can’t let you take her.”

“But how do we find her mom, then?”

“I don’t know, but those are the rules. We can’t let someone take home a foal unless they are registered as their legal guardian.”

“I am not a foal! I’m six!”

“Perhaps she would prefer to be referred to as a vertically-challenged young mare.” I suggest.

Cotton obviously doesn’t understand what some of the words mean, but the doctor just gives me a strange look. “Yes, well, either way, I cannot allow this filly into your custody. She must wait for her mother.”

I cover Cotton’s ears with my hands. “That’s a load of bullshit!”

Despite my attempts to prevent my language from affecting the kid, I am ejected from the hospital anyways. I need to find her mom and smack some sense into the bitch.

I head to the Town Hall. I approach the grey-haired mayor, she greets me in the usual Ponyville way. A bit of a shock, but eventually smiles. “Hello there, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes, it’s a rather pressing legal matter.” I hate politics and the like more than anything else, but this is the only way.

She gives a rather cursory glance at me. “And what is this matter?”

“I need help locating the residence of a negligent parent.”

“Oh my. What is the name of this parent?”

“I don’t know, but I know the child’s name.”

“I see, and what is the manner of this negligence?”

“One week ago, a pegasus filly named Cotton Cloudy was admitted to the hospital after an incident where she nearly drowned. She was listed as healthy two days ago, and yet her mother has yet to retrieve said filly.”

“Oh dear. I will see what I can do.”

“If only to assure me that this matter is being addressed, I request that I be involved.”

“Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt.”

She goes over to a few filing cabinets, and rifles through various leafs of paper. Eventually she pulls out a folder, handing it to me.

I open the folder and take a look. I see two pictures. One of Cotton Cloudy. The other shows a mare. Her name is Lightning Bolt. Her coat is white and her mane is a light shade of blue. Definitely genetically related, if genetics work the same way in this place, that is.

Anyway, I copy down the address and excuse myself, thanking the mayor for her help.

I make my way through Ponyville, and after a while, I find the house. Compared to the other houses of Ponyville, it’s rather nondescript. Usual thatch roof, brown wood siding, all that junk. But it’s definitely the house, if the address I have is accurate.

I knock on the door. There’s no answer. I knock again. No answer. I’m getting angry. I knock harder. Still nothing. That’s it, I’ve had enough. I prepare to ram my shoulder into the door, knocking it down, but I stop. I decide for a more subtle approach.

Once I make sure the door is locked, I pull out some coal, pushing some of the dust into the keyhole. I then have the dust expand and solidify, making it fit the exact shape of the lock. I grin at my little trick as I turn my custom-made key, unlocking the door. I search through the house, and eventually I realize that there’s nobody here. I turn off all the lights so it’s dark, then place a chair pointing toward the door and sit down once I’ve relocked the door.

When this bitch gets home, I want her to know exactly who she’s pissed off.

My mind races, thinking about what I’m going to do to this mare. I’m so angry I might do anything. I could give her a flaming bitch-slap. I could pluck the feathers out of her wings, and see if a pegasus can still fly like that. As I sit here in the dark alone, I’m so angry, it feels like my silent rage is seeping into the room itself, surrounding me in my own anger. It makes me think of more awful things to do. Set her on fire and watch her writhe until she turns to ash. I could slice open a major artery and see how long it takes for her to bleed out. But another part of my mind stops me. With each new form of torture my sick mind designs, I imagine how Cotton Cloudy would react. I can imagine her crying over her mother’s lifeless body, the mare’s blood on my hands. No matter how bad of a mother she may be, I’m sure her filly loves her all the same.

I can’t do it. I can’t hurt this mare no matter how much I want to. I want to kill this bitch for how little she cares for her daughter, but... it’s that daughter that prevents me from deciding to follow through. I yell as I hold my head. Too much confliction. My sense of justice demands this mare face her comeuppance, but my conscience demand I let her go for Cotton’s sake. I can’t separate a mare from her daughter but I want to make this mare pay... my inner demons and angels in a struggle match, trying to wrestle for my mind.

Suddenly, the mare walks in the door. I’m acting without thinking, as if I’m just watching from the sidelines as I walk towards Lightning Bolt. Tears cloud my vision as I lift her above my head by her neck, squeezing hard. Then I black out.

Chapter 22

It’s dark, my head pounding, much like my first day here in Equestria. How long has it been since I blacked out? I don’t know. I feel floaty, but tight. I realize I’m restricted. I hate being restricted. I Spark up and Ignite, flames engulfing me, fueled by my anger.

I don’t know what’s holding me, but I can feel it give. I push outward with my arms, pushing through... some kind of membrane? Strange. Anyway, the floaty feeling is explained as I start to fall. I was suspended. I fall to the ground. I can’t tell what material I’m standing on. It’s tough, but doesn’t quite feel like stone, and it’s not dirt or grass... how odd.

Suddenly I see a pair of blue glowing eyes staring at me. Then more eyes open. Ten, Twenty, Fifty, hundreds of glowing blue, pupiless eyes open all around me. I hear the creatures hissing, and then it lights up. There are thousands upon thousands of the strangest creatures I’ve seen thus far. They resemble ponies, but black chitinous armor replaces coats of fur and they have a strange frill as opposed to manes. Sharp, curved horns protrude from their foreheads, and insectoid wings sprout from their backs. They have long, menacing fangs, and they hiss at me like reptiles.

“What the hell?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, they all swarm me.

I feel pain as their fangs sink into my skin, cutting me. I’m probably bleeding. I’m not going to go down like this. I swing at one of the creatures, knocking it back. I summon some coal from my pouch and make myself a buckler like before. I block a creature as it lunges at me, and use the buckler to knock back a pair who were advancing from the left. I decide to pull a Captain America and toss the shield, using my manipulative power to control it’s flight. I then change it to a spiked ball and set it ablaze, spinning it around me, making the monsters back off. Unfortunately I leave my top open, and I’m tackled by a diving strike. I lose focus and I mentally drop the coal. I don’t know where it went. Shit.

“Fine, you wanna be that way!?” I shout as I Spark up. I decide now would be a good chance to try something new. I focus on increasing my speed, but not in my legs. My fists are blue blurs as I throw punch after punch after punch. I leap from creature to creature, hardly pausing as I smash my fists into their heads, hearing cracks as I break their chitin. I pick up one of them and start swinging it around like a weapon, ending it by smashing it’s spine over my knee.

Another tries to divebomb me, but I turn intangible. He flies straight through my body, headfirst into the ground, where I curbstomp his neck, snapping it in two. I ignite and surround myself in a blazing inferno, making the creatures hiss at the bright light. I kick the head of my latest victim like a soccer ball at another, knocking my target over, slamming it into two more behind it.

Nobody takes me down without a serious fight.

Then they bunch up into a wall and all charge at me at once. I do the same, my body becoming a flaming meteor as I rush forward, my charging strike smashing through a chunk of the living wall. I continue my freeflow, blazing fists and feet smashing bodies and launching creatures in every direction. After a while, there’s one left. It tries to scamper away. No. Nobody runs. Nobody makes it out alive.

I blaze forward, running through him and grabbing him by his midsection. With an angry shout, I tear the thing’s body in half and hold his head in my hand, immolating it in fire until it crumbles to ash.

I stand above thousands of them, all dead, littering the ground. I can see a blurry reflection of myself in a piece of shiny chitin. I look like a flaming warlord, standing on the burning, smashed bodies of my enemies, covered in a mixture of my blood and theirs, red and green combining to make a sick, soupy brown mixture.

I hear a sound. It’s... clapping?

“Impressive. Very impressive.” The voice is feminine and a bit melodic, but has a noticeable hint of malevolence in it. “Not only did you manage to break free, but also take out a remarkable portion of my swarm.”

I see her. She resembles the creatures from earlier, but she is about as big as Princess Celestia. Maybe a bit taller. Her hair is long and a dark green. A gnarled, twisted black horn rising between her eyes, stunning pools of green, with pupils like a cat. I black out again.

I’m resting on something soft. Too tired to open my eyes. Oh well, I’m comfortable and warm. I can rest easy. Wait... I feel a strange sensation in my head. A tingling. Like... magic. I sit up in an instant and look around. I see the large mare-creature from before.

“Who are you?”

“Hmmm, you are quite demanding, aren’t you? I suppose there’s no harm in obliging you. I am Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.”

“Changelings? You mean those things from earlier.” She nods serenely.

“I hate to disappoint you, but your subjects are pathetic.”

“Oh, don’t underestimate them. They were hungry. They haven’t eaten in weeks.”

“Eaten?”

“Our species feeds on emotions. Love specifically.”

“And I’m here because...?”

“Normally we capture ponies and use them to feed, but you are... special. You are quite powerful.”

“Yeah, I know, so why am I here? Where is this anyway?”

She chuckles. The melodic tone of her voice is... rather soothing. “You are in my private chambers. You are here because I have a proposal for you.”

“Would your proposal have to do with that spell you were using on me earlier?”

“Oh no, not at all. I was just searching your mind. It’s quite the interesting place.”

“What were you searching for?” My eyes narrow in anger.

“Oh, I just wanted to get to know what and who you were, and you were in a practically comatose state.”

I am too tired for a fight. “So.” I flop down onto the bed, hands behind my head. “Why’d you bring me here?”

“I’ve never met anyone quite like you. You fascinate me.”

“And?”

“I was hoping you could... help us. You see, my subjects are starving to death. Without love to feed on, we will all surely perish.”

“How could I help you?”

“Well, normally we rely on espionage- Is something funny?”

I stop laughing after a few moments. “I’m sorry but... spying? your subjects don’t blend in too well with the general public.”

She grins. “Oh, I wouldn’t say that...”

In a flash of green flames, suddenly I’m laying in front of Princess Celestia! Another wave of fire, now it’s Luna. Then Twilight. Then a whole bunch of ponies I’ve never seen. Mares, stallions, colts, fillies, unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies. Suddenly the name struck me. “Changelings.”

Chrysalis returned to her normal form and nodded with a smile. “You understand now. We cannot be accepted because of the way we look, so in order to be loved, we need to take the guise of others.”

I’ve never been a fan of racism, and this does seem unfair to make them starve...

“So what would I do if I were to help?”

“You would be a leader. No more would we have to sneak around like thieving rats, we could be ourselves out in the open. A living formed from lies and deceit is not an honorable one, but it is the one we are forced to continue upholding.”

“I see. And what would I gain from this?”

“...follow me.”

She takes me out to a balcony. I see a mass of the changelings. far too many to count. As soon as Chrysalis shows herself, they all stand up straight, frozen, waiting for a declaration. “They seem to respect you.”

“Unfortunately they are brainless, mere pawns, sentries. I lead them as their queen and they obey without question.”

“Hmmm...”

“So, I would like to appoint you as another leader. To give them direction. Give them orders as you see fit.”

“You want to make me a general for your troops?”

She chuckles again. I swear, that laugh is so... enticing, yet imposing. “Oh no my dear. Nothing like that.”

“Then what-”

“I want to make you my king.”

Chapter 23

“King?”

“King.” She echoes.

I narrow my eyes. “And why in Hell would I agree to join you?”

This surprises her. “Wh- what?”

“I don’t know how I got here, but obviously you had something to do with it.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t play games with me, I’m not some stupid pony. I was captured and taken here, trapped, then attacked.”

“But my changelings-”

“Are brainless. You said so yourself. Look at them down there. They won’t do a single bloody thing until you tell them to. I was captured and assaulted by your wishes!”

“I-”

“No, shut up! Don’t you try your silver tongue bullshit with me. I realize you’re desperate for help, and you have my pity, but if this is how you plan on enlisting me? Then you can starve for all I care!”

She’s... crying. Wow. “P- please. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? We need help. I’m so sorry for what I did, but with the way we look, we couldn’t approach you in public. I had them attack because I... I was scared. I didn’t know what you were capable of. I didn’t want you to-”

“Fine. I’ll think about it.”

“Y- you will?”

“Send me back to Ponyville and I’ll consider it.”

“Oh thank you, even the prospect of help for us makes me so much more hopeful. You are a good person.” She casts her spell and teleports me back, but not before I correct her. “No. I’m not.”

I’m in front of the Town Hall and immediately approached by Rainbow Dash. “There you are!”

“Uh, hi Dash. What’s up?”

“You think I forgot about our wager? You weaseled out on it!”

“No, I just kept getting, er, distracted.”

“Excuses excuses.”

“Yep, now if you don’t mind there’s something I need to do, uh, somewhere else. Bye!” I run off as fast as I can, frustrating Rainbow Dash into chasing me. Crap. I continue my running until I come up on a dead end in an alley.

“End of the line, Anthony, time to pay up.”

I let out a defeated sigh. “Fine, I... I... what’s that!?” I yell out pointing at the sky behind Rainbow Dash. She whirls around and sees nothing. I take my chance to Spark up and run through the wall to the other end of the alley.

“Anthony!!!”

That was close. I decide to lay low for a bit, and I end up in the market stall lane again. This time, I’m allowed to get within two feet of a stall before they are suddenly closed. I walk up to the Apple Family stall and say hi.

“Howdy Anthony, haven’t seen ya ‘round here much.”

“Yeah, a lot has been happening lately. So how’ve you been?”

“Business is great, and so far, there’ve been no troubles at all!”

“That’s great, AJ.”

“Hey Anthony!”

I look down and see Applebloom again. “Heya kid, how’ve you been?”

She looks like a lightbulb went off in her had. “Ahm great, ‘cause I jus’ got an idea!”

“And what’s that?”

“I can take yah t’ meet the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”

“The what?”

“Me an’ my friends formed a club dedicated to finding our Cutie Marks! Ah want you ta meet ‘em!”

“That sounds great, if Applejack can take care of the stall by herself.”

Applejack just grins. “Aw, I do it all th’ time, you run off and have some fun.”

“Thanks sis, seeya later!”

Applebloom takes me to Sweet Apple Acres and through a bunch of foliage. Then I see a cool little treehouse.

“Here we are! The CMC Clubhouse!”

“It looks great ‘Bloom, but I don’t think I’ll fit inside.”

“Oh... yeah... uh, hold on!”

She rushes into the clubhouse and after a few moments, out comes Applebloom, and two big piles of karma. Shit.

Chapter 24

“You!”

“You!”

“Uh... me?” Oh god this is gonna be bad. “Listen girls, I, uh... I know we got off to a rocky start, but.”

“You broke my scooter! Those aren’t cheap, I had to save up my allowance for two weeks!”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“Oh, you will be!”

“Hold that thought, kid.” I walk up to Sweetie Belle. “Uh... I’m sorry about what I did... I wasn’t actually going to hurt you.”

“I know that!”

“Y- you do?”

“Yeah. You saved everypony from Discord and saved a bunch of ponies! I know you wouldn’t hurt anypony.” Those words made me immediately imagine all the horrible things I’d done since I arrived here in Equestria. Man, I have been a total prick.

"So... I'm forgiven?"

Sweetie Belle's face stretches into what I first mistake for an attempt to snarl at me, until the corners of her mouth tip up. Comparisons to the Cheshire Cat, sharks, and piranhas all flock to my mind, and the only thing that keeps me calm is that her teeth don't appear sharp. “You are forgiven, if you help us with our crusading.”

Scootaloo brightens up. “I like that idea!”

“So I just help you find your Cutie Marks?”

“Yup!” The trio replies. I totally overreacted. This should be easy. They’re just kids.

These children are the most adorable spawns of satan I could ever imagine.

“You kids are insane!”

“But this was your idea!”

“I was being sarcastic!”

“But what if our talent really does involve a trampoline and broken glass?”

“I highly doubt that it would.”

Suddenly, I hear one of the most obnoxious voices ever.

“What are you Blank Flanks doing this time?” That voice just drips with the tone of superiority. I look down and see a very... stuck up looking pink filly, she’s wearing a crown or something, and it’s even her Cutie Mark. Jeez.

“We’re trying to get our Cutie Marks!” Applebloom replies.

“Still? Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be too shocked. You’re never going to get them.”

Now Applebloom and the pink filly are nose to nose.

“Says you, we’re gonna get our Cutie Marks, and they’re gonna be th’ best Marks you’ve evar seen!”

“Oh puh-leez. It’s obvious you’ll never get them, or you’d already have one for dumpster diving!” Woah, that’s quite a burn.

“Says you!”

“You don’t even have a good retort! Tell you what. I’ll take that back if you can beat me at Show-and-Tell tomorrow!”

The filly walks off, nose in the air like she’s brown-nosing the sky.

I watch as the CMC start to sulk. “Uh, who was that?”

“Diamond Tiara.” came the depressed reply from all three. Scootaloo continues. “She’s a bully. Her dad’s got tons of money so she’s always acting like she’s better than everypony else.”

Sounds like my kind of punching bag. she’s lucky she still has a few years before I can do anything. Wait...

“So you just have to bring in a better show-and-tell subject than her tomorrow?”

“We cain’t” Applebloom moans. “She has so much money, she just keeps on showing off the shiny things she buys.”

Sweetie Belle continues for her friend. “Last week, she had a model of all of Canterlot! Who knows what she has this time?”

“Well, all you have to do is bring in something that she can’t just buy. Something special.” I sit down to think.

Scootaloo stands up. “Something cool!”

Applebloom does the same. “Somethin’ different!”

Sweetie Belle. “Something impressive!”

I look at them. “Yeah, so do you have any ideas?” They’re looking at me expectantly. “Sorry, I can’t come up with something just like that.”

Sweetie Belle does that grin again, but this time it’s not exactly directed at me. “I can!”

“Alright, what is it?”

“You!”

the other two fillies spring up. “Sweetie Belle, that’s perfect! We can bring Anthony!”

“Wait, what?”

“Jus’ think ‘bout it! There’s no way she can buy a humin!”

“Well... alright. Let’s put a bully in her place!”

The next day, I’m in my usual spot, resting by the schoolhouse. It doesn’t take long for kids to show up and I watch as the fillies and colts file into the little red building.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I watch Diamond Tiara and a light gray filly walk up the path. She’s got a big box with her. I wonder what’s in it? Eh, doesn’t matter. Before the day is over, that little rich bitch is going to be eating her words.

I’m sitting by the window, listening to the proceedings while I await the signal for me to walk in. I can hear Miss Cheerilee. “Thank you Diamond Tiara that was very impressive. Now, before we finish, does anypony else have something they’d like to share? Yes Applebloom?”

“Everypony, the other members of the CMC and ah are going to show you something more incredible than anythang y’all’ve evar seen!” That’s my cue.

I Spark up and, positioned outside, behind where the blackboard is set up, I walk straight through the wall, earning many gasps of surprise, and even a few screams. I raise my arm up into the air, the assembly of ponies flinch, not knowing what to expect. I power down, and I wave at the students. “Hiya.”

Diamond Tiara is not impressed. “Ugh, don’t tell me you Blank Flanks brought that freak into our classroom?”

I walk over to Diamond Tiara. “Who are you calling a freak, bully?”

That actually got me a round of applause from the rest of the class. Diamond Tiara acts as though the response was not a congratulation for insulting her. “Yeah, great, it can talk, big deal.”

“Oh, I can do much more than talk.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“How about some tricks?”

“What are you going to do? Roll over? Play fetch? Why don’t you just play dead?”

“Hmmm... all right.”

I stand at the head of the class and clear my throat and get into character.

“Here, here will I remain with worms that are thee chambermaids. Here will I set up my everlasting rest, and shake the yoke of stars from this world-wearied flesh. Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, seal with a kiss, a dateless bargain to death!

Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love, oh true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss, I die.”

Cheerilee claps wildly at my performance. Unfortunately, the kids just look at me weird.

“Oh come on that was Romeo and Juliet!” Still nothing from the kids. I sigh. “Fine, have it your way.”

I brought a sack of coal with me just in case. I proceed to show off in my usual way, though given my audience, I refrain from making weapons or blades. Aside from the fact that the kids lack culture, I still manage to impress them. I decide that, as long as I keep it away from them, a bit of fire would be okay, so I give them a flaming lightshow and they just go crazy. Even though I don’t have to, I wave my arms around, directing the coal to increase the appearance of the talent.

Well, once Show-and-Tell ended, I obviously had to leave, what with being a distraction, but I figured I’d stick around for recess. The kids really like me. I’m a bit miffed only Cheerilee appreciated my acting. Sure I missed a line or two and I used the wrong words sometimes, but that was good!

Oh well, they are just kids I suppose. Besides, they may not have the same literature.

Anyway, it turns out that Diamond Tiara occasionally did have a few neat things for Show-and-Tell, as the recess area had a really cool playground. It wasn’t what she brought today, it seems to have been donated by her father weeks ago, but it’s still pretty neat.

It had just about everything. I wasn’t small enough for most of it, but it definitely looked like tons of fun. Anyway, recess has started and I was right, all the kids really seem to like it, though they don’t really give much attention to who’s father donated it. At least they can’t be bought like most of the kids in my elementary school when I was young.

I decide that, sure, I’ll try it out. I’ll just be sure not to get stuck in anything. I figure I’d pass up the swing-set as my weight is more than that of an Alicorn, much less a foal. I look around, and find a jungle gym, with large enough gaps in it for even me to fit. Perfect. I climb up on it and make a human pretzel out of myself a few times before I get tired of that. I proceed to just see what I could do wit the jungle gym, be it use it as a springboard (which ended badly) or try and walk along the top without falling. I return to making knots out of my body, when I realize that I actually have an audience. All the foals are watching me and my interesting acrobatics. Heh, that’s being bipedal for you. I continue, and the crowd grows larger until I have captivated the entire class. I can tell even Diamond Tiara and her light-gray lacky are impressed. Not that they’d call it that, but I’m not stupid.

BOOM

What was that? I don’t think anything in a playground should explode...

Then it’s dark. Either something is blocking the sun, or Celestia went to bed early today. Given the terrified look on the kids’ faces, I’m going to bet it’s the former. Shit.

I turn around to see... I’m not sure.

At first, it looks like a river spreading, but made of night and pouring through the sky and clouds alike. The shape is vaguely serpentine, and so massive that it brushes aside cumulo nimbus clouds like like drifting dandelion seeds. If the sun hadn’t still been in the ‘morning’ position, it wouldn’t have had any effect on the daylight yet, it was so far away... and still perfectly visible.

There’s no way to further describe the gargantuan being beyond magnificent, and utterly terrifying to me on a level I can’t quite comprehend.

I decide that my first action would be to get all the children to safety. But there’s only one thing I can think of. “Alright kids, recess is over early. Let’s get back inside now!” They are all screaming, heading inside, but a few are straggling.

I decide to just pick up a few kids and drop them inside. Luckily I don’t need to go air-breakingly fast, so I decide to speed up. Once everyone is inside, I instruct them on the proper method of dealing with some sort of disaster while at school. Duck and cover under their desks. Yeah I know it’s stupid, but I don’t have anything else to offer.

A vague uneasiness settles into my bones, beyond what would naturally occur from something pretty much earth-shattering. Luna wasn’t angry with me, was she? This angry, at least?

I feel like my entire body is freaking out, and that disturbs me further. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but it’s the cause of it obviously. Also, I can’t seem to power down, my body is going nuts and won’t listen to me.

So as I’m watching this streak through the schoolhouse windows, there’s a flash of light and I see both princesses. And they look pissed. I run over to them. “What is that thing?”

“Why don’t you explain what it’s doing here, first?” Celestia demands.

“I have no idea, it just... showed up. I’ve been here by the school all day.” Celestia glares at me. “I swear.”

A guard in a surprisingly effective-looking suit of armor, looking much less ornate than the suits worn in the capital, who saluted Celestia as it entered. “Princesses, the star-beast has dropped below four-thousand hooflengths! It’s going to hit the land in less than an hour!”

That sounds a bit bad. “What? What’s going to hit?”

Celestia looked at me quite seriously and stated, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“That fills me with absolutely zero confidence, I’ll have you know.” I’m still trying to power down , simply so that I know I can, but it’s not working, so I just assume this thing is dangerous and try to calm down, arms at my sides, balled into fists nonetheless.

To my surprise, Luna leans over and sniffs deeply at me. “You know, if I smell sexy, you can just tell me.”

Luna snorts derisively, then straightens up. “You smell like a young star, like this.”

“Like what? A star is a ball of gasses and energy that radiate light as energy. How do you know what one smells like!?”

“Perhaps stars are balls during infancy, but they do mature. As the princess of the night, it is my duty to shepard and care for the stars, especially during the day, when they sleep and are vulnerable.” she replies calmly, a strangely appraising look in her eyes as she looks at me.

“You imply that stars can be killed. Last I knew, they aren’t sentient. They don’t do anything but sit in the sky and twinkle and act as fodder for bad fairy tales.”

Luna’s mouth narrows into a hard line, one I’ve seen when my mother is about to blow holes in universal happiness with how angry she is. I decide now would be a good time to cover my face with my arms.

“I will not allow you to impugn my subjects in such a way! They are the source of fulfilled wishes! They can think and reason as well as any other pony, and do not merely sit around!” Luna’s tirade is halted by a gold-shod hoof tapping her on the shoulder. I’m so glad Celestia is at least staying calm... I sure as hell am not.

“Luna, please... what did you seek to learn from knowing if he smells like a star or not?”

The smaller princess inhales deeply, and begins to explain. “Just as there is life in the sky, night or day, there are things which must eat. While Stars are gentle, and need only praise and care to survive, there are beasts like wolves that hunt them, and creatures like the one in the sky today. It is called a Star-Swallower, and it is like a grand whale, seeking only small things to eat. And you, Anthony, smell like food.”

“F- food? But I’m not a star! I-” I look down at my glowing form, and pause. “Oh... you mean this power is... shit.”

“It is the sum of all adoration, love, and care from anyone who has ever been your friend or family.”

“I suppose that explains a few things, but... This thing wants to eat me, and I don’t plan on being eaten, so how do we kill it?”

Luna looked at me with a fair amount of anger still in her expression, until it just... melted. Sadness fell into place instead, and she whispered. “It won’t harm you. It has barely any weight at all, but enough to crush itself as it lands. It was not meant for this mortal land, and it will die, lost and confused.”

“Wow... uh... Can I take back that ‘I want to kill it’ statement? I feel like a jerk now.” On the other hand. “But if we don’t get rid of it, how much damage will it cause on a scale of one to ten.? One is a few square blocks. Ten is Equestria-goes-byebye.”

Luna sniffled. “None. It’s an aetheric beast, it has no substance that will cause harm to us. It is meant to find young stars unable to form fully and eat them, keeping the skies clear of lost hopes. It is also one of the last few of its kind; without my shepherding over the last millennia, they have not fared well from the occasional dark sorcerer seeking raw power.”

“So this thing... is basically natural selection and a giant, non-solid super-battery all in one? Geez. What do I do?”

Luna looked me in the eye. “You hope no others have been drawn near enough to die for a prize they cannot reach.”

“So... uh...” I turn to Celestia. “Can you translate?”

“They are drawn to you. We can only hope that they are spread far enough that you will mature before another one tries to seek you, and dies on Equestria’s soil.”

“So... I need to... what? Make everyone like me a bunch?”

“No, simply growing older will work.” Luna said. “That this one arrived so quickly... they usually take decades to travel. It must have already been close when you arrived.

“...but I’ve been here for months, I... let me guess, more of this ‘stellar physiology’ stuff, right?”

“Stars take many hundreds of years to grow to maturity. That you are already much grown suggests you are about three, four hundred years old. In another hundred, they should ignore you.”

“So what do I do in the meantime? I can’t just sit here and think about aging for a hundred years!”

“No, you will do that naturally... unless your race normally only ages when the act is thought of?”

“Heh, we wish. You wouldn’t believe some of the kind of crap we pull to squeeze an extra ten or so years out of our lives. It’s kinda pathetic. No, we age over time.”

“Well, you should be able to live for nearly a millennia of total time... minus your existing three centuries.”

The guard came back, saluting once more. “The creature is about to land. It’ll be landing through the Everfree, almost in Ponyville! The troops have already disseminated the cover-story, as per your orders.”

“Everfree? What? Oh nevermind. You say this thing will just fall to the ground and die on impact, harming nothing?”

“Like a bowl of potted petunias.”

I pause at that. “I... I... Douglas Adams? Does he... exist here?”

Celestia looked at me strangely. “Who?”

“Douglas Adams, he’s the guy who wrote The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books, he’s the one who wrote-”

“Oh! You mean Croupless Apples!” Luna said, looking happy. “He wrote of going to stars and speaking with them, and so many funny aliens living on moons orbiting them! I didn’t know you’d gotten to read them; Twilight recommended them to me.”

I stammer for a moment. Oh great, they have similar literature. Or at least sci-fi comedy. I guess I’ll check out the books and see what’s different. But right now... “So the giant space-whale is going to die and we don’t have any way to prevent it?”

Luna’s happy expression fell once more. “That... that is about the sum of it. I will be there when it lands, to grant its last moments some amount of peace...” She began to roll her limbs to ready herself for flight, Celestia doing the same beside her.

“You uh, you do that.” I’m... not entirely sure what to do at this point. There’s a huge event with me in the dead-center of it, and I can’t do anything. I feel totally useless... goddamnit.

The princesses and their guard leave. I... don’t know how to feel. The thing came here for me. I dragged it to it’s death without even intending to. Does this make me an interstellar murderer? Or, do I just accept it?

And what’ll tomorrow bring? More of the same, worse, or maybe better? I need something to make me feel better. I figure I could see Pinkie about that. I make my way to Sugarcube Corner.

Chapter 25

I get to the sweet shop and sit down at a table. Mr. Cake comes over with a notepad. “Hey there, Anthony. What do you want today?”

I let out a sigh. “Ten screwdrivers on the rocks. Very high rocks.”

“Uh... I don’t get it. There’s a hardware store to the East of here...”

“Just forget it. Gimme a strawberry milkshake.”

“You got it, champ!” He seems so happy. I see Pinkie Pie come down the stairs, and she rushes over to me. “Hi there! How are you doing?”

Mr. Cake hands me my milkshake and I grab the cherry off the top, tossing it at the wall, but Pinkie catches it in her mouth with her strange speed. “Thanks!” She grins, the realizes my rather depressed mood. “What’s wrong Anthony?” I decide keeping it bottled up doesn’t help, so I tell her what happened with the Star-Swallower.

After I’m finished, she looks kind depressed too, but also a bit quizzical. “So this thing eats stars... and it came for you... but you’re not a star, you’re a humananan!”

“It thought I was a star.”

“Why would it think that?”

“Stellar physiology.”

“Huh?”

I Spark up as a demonstration. “This. Like this, I’m pretty much a baby star.”

“Wow! That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, but I don’t even know why I’m like this. I just... am. I thought this was a gift with all the things it lets me do but.”

Pinkie Pie shakes her head. “No, it is a gift. You’re a hero Anthony. You help anypony who really needs you. Even when Discord was causing all that trouble, you did something, because you didn’t want anypony to get hurt. You’re a good person, and your powers help show that.”

“Wow Pinkie, I... I... thanks.” I give her a big hug. I needed this. She hugs me back and we stay like that for a few minutes. Her coat is soft, and she’s warm. I feel so much better. I feel comfortable. I needed this. I know she isn’t fully aware of the less-than-heroic things I’ve done, but it still helps. Element of Laughter my ass, this pony right here is the Element of Confidence.

I’ve left Sugarcube Corner a lot happier than... well, happier than I’ve felt in a long time, even before I came to Equestria. I’ve already accepted that I may not go back home, but right now... I think I can consider these ponies my family now, and I intend on protecting my family.

I think about Chrysalis and the things she said, about how she needs my help. I don’t want to just stand by while a species goes extinct if I can help... but I also remember how I got in that position. I need to know more about these creatures. Twilight’s smart, I’m sure that if she doesn’t have a book on Changelings, she can tell me a bit about them.

I walk in the library and look around. “Twilight?”

Spike speaks up from a desk. “Not here, man. You just missed her. What do you need?”

“Well, I suppose as her number one assistant, you must be pretty smart too...”

He puffs out his chest. “I don’t like to brag, but...”

“How much do you know about Changelings?”

“Uh, not much. Actually, not many ponies know a lot about them. I think Twilight has her notes on them somewhere in this pile over here.” He begins rifling through the mass of information the librarian has gleaned over her life. It is quite impressive, I must admit.

“Found it! Changelings. That’s... all it has as the title.”

“Oh well, let’s see what she’s discovered.”

I sit down in my chair and flip through the notes. I then come accross something Chrysalis didn’t mention, and probably would avoid if asked. The process of ‘feeding’ involves taking the form of the victim’s loved one, posing as them, and feeding off the love that the victim feels for the loved one. The process is painful and draining for the victim.

I don’t believe it, the Changelings are parasites! A bunch of deceiving, abducting, scheming, mindless emotion-leeches. I can’t believe I might have trusted Chrysalis! Although... These are Twilights notes, they must have been gained from personal experience, which means that it’s possible they could be biased, even just a little.

I think back to Discord. What Twilight described him as. Yes he was dangerous, but Twilight made him seem like a monster, not just an irresponsible prankster with no thought of ramification. Perhaps... could it be the same with Changelings? Is Twilight exaggerating? I can’t tell.

I continue poring over all of her notes late into the night. I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I wake up, sunlight streaming through the window. I stand up and stretch. My back aches.

“Geez, how does Twilight do this without getting a sore back?”

“Well, I usually have a bit more support for my spine, for one.”

“Oh, ‘morning Twi.”

“Good morning. Wait... are those my notes?”

“Er... yeah. I don’t know much about Equestria, and since you have firsthand experience with a few things, I figured I could see what you’ve discovered.”

“I see, well, thank you. I’m glad you trust my expertise.” She looks very proud of herself, like she’s expecting a gold star sticker or something. “So, what are you looking at now... Changelings?”

“Yeah, the name sounded interesting, so...”

“There’s not much you need to know, Anthony. They are heartless, emotionless beasts that want nothing more than hostile takeover and total control over Equestria.”

“That’s... a bit harsh. How do you know?”

“I know because my friends and I had to fight them and their queen! If it weren’t for my brother and Cadence, Equestria would have fallen into Queen Chrysalis’ hooves already.”

Interesting. I decide to change the subject, but still get a few answers. “So earlier, during events that I feel would best be explained by the princesses, a certain location was brought up.”

Twilight is rifling through some more of her notes, realphabetizing what Spike had messed up.”Oh? And what location is it?”

“What do you know of a place called Everfree?”

“The Everfree Forest?”

“I suppose so.”

“Well, what do you want to know?”

“What do you know of it? Do you have experience with it?”

“Yes, I do. I suppose I can tell you the story of my first venture into the Forest.”

“What happened?”

“Well, let’s start from the beginning. I was in Canterlot, reading a book, when I come across a passage mentioning the Elements of Harmony...”

“And then, there was a huge reunion party for the princesses, and I’ve been living here in Ponyville with my friends ever since.”

“Wow, that’s... quite the story.”

“Indeed.”

“So the Everfree Forest is dangerous?”

“Immensely so, there's a lot we don’t know about it from what lives in it, to what secrets it holds.”

“I think I’d like to check it out sometime.”

“Really? Are you sure that’s wise? You know even less about it than anypony in this whole town!”

“What can I say? I’m curious. Don’t act like you’ve never had a question you wanted to answer by experiencing it firsthand.”

“As right as you are, I cannot advise that you do this without proper protection.”

“Oh, alright, I’ll bring some condoms.”

“Some what?”

“Nevermind, just...” I chuckle. “Nevermind.”

I approach the forest and I can see clearly that its thick canopy prevents light from shining through. I walk forward into the darkness, some coal fashioned into a machete in case any foliage blocks my way. As I’m walking, I hear something rustling in the bushes. I turn, but see nothing.

“A- Anthony?”

Huh? I turn around and see Fluttershy. “‘Shy? What are you doing here?”

“I- I saw you come into the forest. It’s dangerous in here, we should leave before something bad happens.” She starts looking around frantically. Yep, definitely lives up to her name. Anyway, I’m not in a very contrary mood, so I follow the yellow pegasus and then I realize how she saw me so soon. The Everfree Forest is pretty much her backyard. I’m pretty sure there should be some zoning regulation about that but... whatever.

So I walk into Fluttershy’s cottage and it smells like wild animal. Joy. I sit down on the couch, making sure to stay away from any birdhouses. I don’t trust birds, especially the pretty ones. I see Fluttershy doing something in another room and I start to think.

“Hey Fluttershy?”

“Yes, Anthony?”

“Why didn’t you want me to go into the Everfree?”

“Because it’s dangerous. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

That stopped me for a second. “But, you hardly know me. I mean, we haven’t even seen each other since the day I first woke up here in Ponyville.”

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t think that would matter...”

“Well, I suppose it doesn’t really, but I don’t see why you’d be so worried about my safety.”

“But, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

“I’m not sure, this is the longest we’ve ever even been together.”

“But you’re a friend of my friends, so doesn’t that count?”

I think for a moment. Out of all the ponies in Ponyville, Fluttershy knows the least about me aside from whatever stories she may hear. I speak up. “Fluttershy, do you think I’m a bad person?”

“Wh- what?”

“Do you think I’m a bad person?” She looks down at the ground and shifts on her hooves nervously.”Well, I... um... I...” Suddenly she finds words. “I’m not sure, if that’s okay with you?”

She’s honest, I’ll give her that. “But you still consider me a friend? Even if you think I’m bad?” She lets out a little ‘Eep!’ at this. Guess that is kind of a big question. Seems she’s going to try answering anyway.

“W- well... maybe you’re not bad? Just, um... confused?”

“Confused?”

“I understand that our world is very different from yours, and you come off as... distant. You react to things so differently from a normal pony, and... well...”

“Let me tell you something, ‘Shy. Even back in my world I wasn’t normal. My brain is messed up on the inside. It’s like the world is a puzzle, and I’m a piece that just doesn’t fit.”

“Maybe... maybe you do fit, but not in the place you think you do.”

“You think so? You think I have a place in this world?”

“I’m positive you do, you just have to find it. And you don’t have to look alone, there are friends you can rely on, if you just let us.”

“That’s... kind of the problem.”

“What?”

“I don’t know this world, how do I know who I can trust?”

“You can trust me.” She gives me a hug. She’s so soft... I hug her back.

“I can?”

“I’ve always trusted others, even if I don’t know them well. You never know what you can gain from being kind to those who you don’t understand.”

“Like the manticore?”

“H- how’d you know about that?”

“Twilight explained the story of how you six met, and your fight against Nightmare Moon.”

“Well, then, yes. Like the manticore. Sometimes we just have to give something the benefit of the doubt, even if it seems dangerous.”

“Okay Fluttershy. I... I’ll give it a try.”

“Thank you, Anthony. Remember, if you ever need help, you do have friends, even if you’re not sure we are.”

Chapter 26

I think about the decisions I’ve made in my life, both this one and my previous, as I walk away from Fluttershy’s cottage.

I feel like I’m being watched. From the forest... I turn and see a bush shift. I walk into the forest after it. I see another bush move. I realize that whatever this creature is, it’s leading me somewhere. “I know you’re there, and I know what you’re doing. Show yourself.”

A figure walks out of some tall grass. A Changeling. Of course. I summon some coal, forming a sword, and prepare to smite the creature, but I stop. “...Take me to your Queen.”

The Changeling nods and walks off. I follow.

After a while, the Changeling leads me down a hole, and as I continue through the cavern, the ground becomes that of the strange material of the hive. We come to the chamber where I was brought earlier. I can tell because it seems not all of the Changeling blood has been washed from the floor.

“So, you have decided to return.” Chrysalis.

“Yes, I have.” I see her from the balcony. She looks down on me, and her horn begins to glow a bright emerald green. I blink and I’m in her chambers once more. “So, Anthony. Have you made your decision?”

“I’m not sure...” I know these creatures wish pain on others, but it’s for their survival. Was I much different as a human? Our history of violence and greed, murdering for what we wanted? No, it was different. These Changelings do it because they must do it to survive, and they don’t kill, either.

I close my eyes and Fluttershy’s words echo in my mind.

Sometimes we just have to give something the benefit of the doubt, even if it seems dangerous.

Maybe... maybe you do fit, but not in the place you think you do.

I stand at the balcony and turn to Chrysalis. A Queen. My queen. I look down on the black, insectoid forms of my subjects, their heads bowed in respect and eternal servitude. I decide to test them. “Those who will follow my word as the law, raise your hooves!”

I see as at once, they all respond the same in unison with each other. I see thousands of hooves in the air, and hisses of approval. Is it approval? Yes. I know it is, for I am their king. King of the Changelings.

I move into my shared chamber, and approach a mirror. I see myself adorned in chitinous plating, armor created from the broken bodies of the Changelings I defeated when I first arrived here two years ago. Two years? Had it really been that long? Yes, it had. The Changelings were much stronger now, stronger than they ever had before, because of my guidance. They were no longer oppressed, they were superior. They had infiltrated countless locations, from the smallest of hamlets to the largest cities in Equestria. My forces were everywhere. There was nothing I could not see, no foe I could not overcome.

But there was still one matter. The princesses. They were still a problem... but not for long. I return to the balcony and address my army. “Subjects! We have waited for far too long. Today, we shall take Canterlot, and the royal sisters shall fall!”

They begin hissing, pleased with the news that they would finally win. Yes, pleased. They had emotion now. They had will. Over time, they were given the freedom to evolve and grow. Once they were not so oppressed, they gained will, sentience. They were not mindless drones anymore. Thanks to my guidance, they were living creatures, and were free.

No, not free. Not yet. The princesses and the Elements. They still fight us. But that will soon be remedied.

A dark cloud spreads over the shining royal city as my fleet blocks out the sun with their sheer numbers. How appropriate. The sun, turned useless and black by the might of the Changelings. By my might. But the sun is not enough. They will both fall. Soon, night and day will belong to me and my Queen, as I hold the world in my grasp.

There is a barrier in place around Canterlot. This was a problem in the past, but my Changelings were not the only things to evolve. I walk up to the barrier and place my hand against it. I dispel it, shattering the barrier into nothing. My power had become far more than it once was. I am charged by guards.

I Spark up, no longer blue but a shimmering green. The power of the Changelings flows through my body. Their countless numbers all loyal to me, with honest trust in me, willing to do anything to protect their king. It empowered me to a point I could not achieve otherwise. I discard my chitinous armor. It’s merely a showpiece compared to my power anyways.

I grab the guards by their helmets, and Ignite. I push waves of fire from my hands and melt the metal of their helmets. I hear their screams as the hot metal burns through their skin, stripping away fur and flesh revealing bloody skulls and muscle. I watch as their forms crumple to the ground, life slowly leaving them as they pass on.

Pathetic.

I decide I’ve had enough games. I charge forwards to the castle, my fleet raining down on the city, destroying everything in sight. The royal city quickly becomes an inferno, a giant bonfire, cleansing the place of the last of those who would oppose us.

“Anthony!”

I look up, and see Celestia, quickly followed by her sister.

“Anthony there is still time, call them back, don’t do this! You don’t have to do this!” Luna pleads.

“You are right, I don’t have to.” I whistle, and a group of Changelings fly by, dropping a large amount of coal. I fashion it into a blade and grasp it in my hand. “I want to do this.”

I throw my sword, running it through Luna’s neck at blinding speed. She chokes as blood enters her air passage and floods her lungs. Time seems to slow down as I watch her gasp, trying to breath as blood pours from the mortal wound. “Quit your whining, bitch!” I command my sword to finish her, a horizontal slice cutting her head off at the base of her neck. Celestia screams as she watches her sister’s headless body fall to the ground and lay still in a growing pool of it’s own blood.

Celestia stammers, tears in her eyes. “You... you heartless devil!”

I laugh. “Devil? A devil am I? Well, then I suppose I enjoy it. Now it’s your turn, but I think I’ll have a bit more fun with you.”

“I will kill you for this!”

“Don’t delude yourself. If you had the power to do that, it would have been done years ago when I had just come to this world!” I accentuate my words with a lightning-fast punch to her midsection, knocking her back.

“I spared you. I was angry, but I wanted to offer you a chance. I had hope for you...”

“Hope is for the weak who have nothing else!” I continue my assault, hitting Celestia with my flaming fists over and over. I stop my berserking to see the result. She was bruised and scorched all over her body, tears streaming down her face. “Submit, Celestia. You cannot win.”

“I.... will never... let you win...” She charges her horn and hits me with a blast of magic, throwing me back.

A changeling charges for Celestia, but I stop it. “No! This fight is mine! She will die by my hand.”

Celestia prepares another spell, but this time I expect it, and the beam of magic disappears before it touches me. “You got a lucky shot in, but that’s all you’ll get!”

I am attacked from behind by a guard. “Fool! You dare interrupt me!? I will show you what happens when you trifle with an immortal!”

I Ignite my entire body and phase through the guard, my flames incinerating him as they cook him from inside and out.

“You are no immortal, Anthony!” Celestia screams in rage.

“How do you know that? I am undefeated! You don’t know me at all, you don’t even know my real name!”

The fight continues until I am standing over a beaten, bloody Celestia. I place my foot at her neck, and I hear her choke as I cut off her air.

“Stooooop!!”

I turn and I see a Rainbow heading right for me. I hold my hand up and the energy is erased instantly. When the light fades, I see Twilight and her friends standing there. Twilight steps forward. “Anthony, I can’t let you do this!”

I snap my fingers and the ponies are swarmed by a bunch of Changelings. Once my soldiers have left once more, the six ponies realize they are unharmed. Twilight looks at me confused “Wh- what?”

The Changelings show up behind me, and they hand me the Elements of Harmony. They ponies gasp in shock, as I take them, envelop my fists in coal and crush the jewelry between my reinforced palms. I separate my hands, and let the crushed, shattered remains of the Elements fall to the ground.

The ponies turn to run, but they are surrounded by Changelings, blocking their progress. Twilight tries a magic blast at one of them, but I negate it. They cower in the middle of the ring of Changelings. Twilight looks at me, tears flowing down her face. “P- please... Anthony... no.”

I lean towards Twilight. “I am not Anthony, you stupid horse. Do you know who I really am?” She looks at me with fear, completely paralyzed. I reply anyway. “I am Death!”

In a blur, I grab Twilight’s horn in my hand and twist, breaking it off. Twilight screams in pain as I drop her horn to the ground and grind it to dust under my heel, the rest of her friends gasping in shock as Twilight slumps over.

I summon the coal once more and, fitting my previous statement, I form a large scythe. In one quick swing I slice off the heads of the group of ponies. Their heads roll off and fall at my feet, their blank, horrified eyes going dark as they die, their bodies hitting the ground.

I turn and see Celestia, sobbing, her spirit broken. “You... Why did you do that? They couldn’t have hurt you, you know this!”

That makes me laugh. “I wanted to do it. Here.” I lean over and pick up Twilight Sparkle’s severed, hornless head and set it ablaze, tossing it to Celestia. It rolls forward, stopping at the princess’ feet. “Have a souvenir.”

Celestia gags between her sobs. She waves her horn and extinguishes the head of her faithful student, picking it up and cradling it in her hooves as it drips blood onto her coat, staining it red.

She looks down at the head in her hooves, then back up at me weakly. “Finish it. Kill me!” I approach her, my scythe now flaming. I grin and laugh. I kneel down to eye level with the solar princess. “No.”

“Wh- what!?”

“I’m not going to kill you. In fact, I’m going to let you go. There’s nowhere for you to run anyway, and in a few days, I’ll have destroyed everything else.” Her eyes go wide. “I’m not going to kill you. I’m going to make you live with this or commit suicide.”

“N- no, please!”

I turn around and start to walk away, calling off my Changeling army. Celestia calls after me. “Come back!”

I don’t turn around, I just keep walking. But I leave Celestia with one final message. “Welcome to Hell, princess.”

Chapter 27

I sit up and I’m in the Queen’s chambers, laying in Chrysalis’ bed. I shake my head, was that a dream?

“Well, how was it?” Chrysalis leans next to me and a green glow leaving her horn.

“Wh- what did you do?”

“I gave you a vision of what could happen if you became king of the Changelings. I hoped it might help make up your mind.”

I shake my head. A vision. That’s all it was, some twisted dream Chrysalis designed to brainwash-

“So.” Chrysalis interrupted my thoughts. ”What did you see?”

My eyes widen. “Y- you mean you didn’t create that?”

“I don’t have the power to do that at the moment. It’s really more of making you imagine what you think it might be like.”

I choke on my own breath. What!? Did I... do I want that to happen? No, I can’t. I’m not a murderer. On the other hand...

Chrysalis interrupts my thoughts again. “Seriously, what did you see? It must have been interesting.” She gives me a sultry look. “Did you think about what it would be like to be my husband?”

That didn’t even occur to me that we’d be considered a couple. “Uh, no. I... I think I’d like to, uh, go back to Ponyville. I think I may need more time.”

She grins. “Of course. When you’ve made your decision, you know where to come.”

I nod numbly as I’m teleported to Ponyville. I run to the library as fast as I can go and slam open the door. “Twilight!?Twilight!?”

“Jeez Anthony, I’m right here, you don’t have to- urk”

I cut her off as I hug her, relieved that she’s alright. I’m just so happy she’s not hurt. What I did in that vision... I shudder at the violence of my own mind.

“A- Anthony! Let go, you’re gonna squeeze my head off!”

I yell as I leap off of her and look around, making sure everything was normal. “What the hay has gotten into you, Anthony?”

“Let’s just say I had the worst experience of my life, and I’m just glad you’re alright...” I hug her again, but a bit lighter this time. “So glad you’re alright...”

“Uh, yeah, thanks... I think?”

I’ve never felt so glad that everything was fine! I’m practically skipping as I move through Ponyville. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and Rainbow Dash is about to crash into me!

Wait a sec- *WHAM*

“Alright Anthony, that’s it, you’re gonna get yellow, and you’re gonna do it today!”

Oh well. “You got it, Dashie, I’ll go get the paint if you round up everybody at Town Hall!”

“Don’t try to- Huh? You’re... gonna do it?”

“Yup!” I grin.

“Really? No tricks? You’ll do it?”

“Of course!” I give Rainbow Dash a big hug.

“Jeez, man. Did you swap brains with Pinkie Pie?”

“Nope, I’m gonna go get that paint, now. Meet ya at Town Hall!”

I run back to the library to get the paint, leaving a very confused Rainbow Dash.

I grab the bucket and brush, take it to Town Hall, and tell the mayor that I will be putting on a very special performance. No point in spoiling the surprise for anyone.

I look out at the crowd, and yes, all of Ponyville is here. Every. Single. Pony.

Rainbow Dash approaches me. “Alright, this is gonna be awesome! I’ve been waiting a while for this.”

“Yup, and you’re going to get it. Everyone here is gonna get it. Hope you enjoy the show.”

Rainbow gives a smirk. “Oh, I will!”

I walk out onto the steps and clear my throat, all the ponies quieting down and shifting their attention to me.

“Hello everyone. By now, most of you know me, so I doubt I need to introduce myself.”

I get replies of nods and sounds of agreement. “So, I will get to the reason you are all here. I made a deal with Rainbow Dash. We got into a competition to see who was the fastest.”

A few ponies chuckle, others gasp. Apparently a lot of ponies know how fast Rainbow Dash is.

I continue. “And, I lost. I was beaten rather easily, and now, I will face the consequences, as per our agreement. Rainbow Dash, you win, so I’m going to do this for you.”

Rainbow Dash leaps up into the air, wings flapping and pumps her hoof into the air “Yes! This is gonna be good!”

I grin. Yes it will, Rainbow Dash, yes it will.

I take off my shirt and dip the paintbrush into the paint bucket. I drag the brush from my stomach up to my chin very slowly and deliberately. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widen. She realized what I was doing.

So, I continued my show, a few ponies laughing, some blushing, and a few parents covering their childrens’ eyes. This was perfect. I can feel the paint start to dry as I drag the brush across my arm. It feels a bit uncomfortable, but I am not stopping, not yet. I then take off my pants and continue onto my legs. Some ponies turn to Rainbow Dash curiously.

The show is over, and I am completely covered in three coats of paint. Rainbow Dash stomps up to me. “I cannot believe you did that!!”

“What? I painted myself yellow in front of all of Ponyville. That was the deal.”

Rainbow Dash yells at the sky, hooves to her eyes. “You unbelieveable bastard!”

“Thanks for noticing.” I give her a big hug, getting some of the paint on her coat. Rainbow gasps loudly and flies off into the sky to her house as fast as she can. I call after her. “Be careful about who you win against!”

I walk back to the library laughing my head off, carrying my clothes. I walk in and I see Twilight. As soon as she sees me, she holds her book up, blocking her view. “Shower. Now!”

“Oh, totally, this paint is getting itchy.”

Chapter 28

I get into the shower and wash myself off, but there’s a nagging thought at the back of my mind. That vision... It was me. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t clean the images from my mind. I know it’s not what I want, no way. I could never do that to anyone... but apparently, I could. Even if it was the worst case scenario, the fact that that’s what I could become... I shudder, scared by myself. I know my mind is messed up, but what I saw... no. I don’t need to think about it. It’s over, it didn’t happen, and it’s not going to happen. I let the gentle susurrus of the water calm my nerves. I am not a bad person. These ponies showed me that.

I’ve had a dark past, a lot of pain, fear and hatred from those closest to me and to those I didn’t even know. But this is my chance. Here, in Equestria, I can be safe. Not physically of course, this place is filled with dangers and threats, but... I’m not worried. I have friends here. Friends who care about me and will help me if I need them. Is this what Twilight meant by ‘Friendship is magic’? Not an actual force or power, but... a sort of mental unity that we can use to feel safe?

I’m not entirely convinced, but I do know that I am not a monster. I have many vices: Greed, sloth, I’m a liar, thief and a cheat... but I’m not evil, and these ponies trust me. My own trust has been abused in the past and left me scarred and hurt, but I will not do the same. I don’t vow to be a good person through and through, that’s impossible, but... I feel relieved. That image helped me. It showed me what I’m not and why I’m glad that I’m not. I’m not going to make any changes to who I am. I’m fine the way I am. Maybe... maybe I should tell them my name? No. I’m not sure if I’m the same person as back then... but I don’t feel any different... I have to give it more thought later.

I get out of the shower and dry myself off. It takes about six towels because they’re so small. Damn these ponies and their tiny bodies. I put on my clothes, and I feel like I hadn’t just showered. It just occured to me how filthy they are. I decide that I’m going to talk to Rarity about those clothes.

I head over to Carousel Boutique, thinking about what sort of clothes she might come up with. I’ve seen her designs and they aren’t bad, but I think that jeweled clothing would get rather uncomfortable. I walk in the door and see Rarity, perfectly fine, working on a dress. No, stop freaking out, it was just a dream, everybody is perfectly fine. I take a deep breath to calm myself.

“Hiya Rarity.”

“Huh? Oh, hello Anthony. That was, um... quite the show you put on earlier.”

“What can I say? I have talents. Anyway, I’ve finally gotten sick of wearing the same outfit this entire time so...”

Immediately, Rarity’s eyes light up. “Oh that’s marvelous, because I have come up with hundreds of fabulous designs, you simply have to try them! Well, once I finish them of course. It’s a little difficult because I don’t have any human mannequins, but I do have a few things finished.”

I shrug. “Sure, why not? Let’s see what you have.”

Minutes later, I’m not sure if I feel stupid, or really fancy. She made me a fine, blue longsleeve shirt, over a white undershirt, with a spring-green handkerchief in the breast pocket. Since my legs are not as prominent as that of a pony, all I had was a pair of simple white slacks, but that just seemed to help the entire ensemble. But something was missing...

“This is really cool Rarity!”

“Thank you dear, I had to make this without any form of reference, but I did what I could. I am so glad that you like this!”

“Now how about some underwear?”

Rarity blinked at me. “Uhhh, well... I suppose I could make you some, but it’s not exactly... what my business here is for.”

“What? You make clothes. Underwear is clothing, right?”

Rarity coughed into her hoof and cast a furtive glance to the door. “Well, I’m not exactly in the business of designing... intimate apparel.”

“Intimate?” Then it struck me. Ponies don’t wear underwear. they don’t have to, so to them, clothing meant to cover one’s privates...

“Ohnononononono! That’s not what I meant, I swear, I just want something to prevent chafing, and have a little cover incase my pants get messed up.”

“...covering?”

I facepalm and take a deep breath, kneeling down to be eye-level with Rarity. “How do I put this? Stallions and human males are... different.”

She nods slowly, a bit confused. I decide the easiest way to do this would be to just be blunt. “Specifically with our... genetalia. You see, stallions have a sheath so that when their ‘tool’ is not in use, it is not clearly visible to the public.”

She’s still nodding, a bit of a blush visible on her face.

“Human males, like me, do not have a sheath, nor do we have fur. This means that if we do not use clothing to cover ourselves...”

The blush has spread across her entire face and is now very visible. “Stop, stop... I understand your... meaning.”

I rub the back of my neck. “Yeah, so if you could... you know?”

Despite being alone, she still looks around, and whispers. “Come see me alone later tonight, okay?”

I pause. “Uh, Rarity...”

Her eyes go wide realizing what she had said. “I mean... uhm...” She stammers for a sec. “I’ll make you some, just...”

I decide to end this now before things get worse. “Yeah, I know, I’ll drop by later.”

Then came the disaster in the form of a little white filly. “Hi Rarity! Hi Anthony! hey sis, why’s your face all red?”

Nope, red alert, eject, abort mission, evacuate, run! “ThanksfortheclothesRarityI’llseeyoulater!” I grab my old clothes and Spark up, dashing through the door and outside as fast as I can.

Well, that was a lot more awkward than I expected it to be. I feel bad for leaving Rarity to explain by herself but I was not about to attempt to recover from that, I know when I’m going to screw up.

I stop by a shop window and look at my reflection. I really do look rather nice. I feel pretty darn fancy in fact. I’ll have to thank Rarity again tonight when I see her. That was certainly... interesting. Yeah, I’ll call it interesting. As I’m wandering around Ponyville, I see Spike walking along with a long roll of paper. I decide to chat, since we don’t talk much anyway. “Heya Spike.”

“Hey Anthony, woah. Nice suit! Where’d ya get it?”

“Rarity made it for me.”

“I should have guessed, I mean... isn’t she just fantastic?”

“I admit she’s good, but I’m not that big a fan of clothes to be honest.” Spike doesn’t seem to hear me, he’s just staring at nothing with a dumb grin on his face. Then I get it.

“Crushing pretty hard there, aren’t ya, dude?”

He shakes himself back to reality. “Huh? Oh... yeah, that obvious?”

“How could you possibly get more obvious than this?” I mimic the face he had while off in his daydream.

He sighs. “Yeah, I guess. Hey, she likes you, doesn’t she?”

“Ehhhhhhhhhh... yes? Maybe? I honestly don’t know.” I shrug. “If you’re asking for help, I don’t know a dang thing about human girls, let alone mares.”

“Heh, think you’ll have about as much luck as I am?”

“Wait... you imply I’m going to try?”

“Well, if you can’t go back home, why not?”

“Because they’re ponies! Seriously man, to me, a pony is a pony. I ain’t gonna even try that minefield.”

“Never? Really?”

“No way, man. I’ve already accepted that I’m probably gonna be stuck here for good, but unless a chick has only one pair of legs, I ain’t trying anything.”

“So you say, and yet that show for Rainbow Dash...”

I start laughing. “No man, I was messing with her. Totally honest, I could have just dumped the bucket of paint over my head and fulfilled the bet just like that. I wanted her to regret beating me.”

“Why would she regret that?”

“Well for one, now everyone in Ponyville thinks she’s got some sort of weird kink.”

Spike suddenly understands what I did. “Oh, man. That’s harsh.”

“Yeah, what can I say? I’m a passive-aggressive poor loser.”

“No kidding. Remind me not to beat you at anything.”

“Oh, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Absolutely anything you want it to.” I stick out my tongue. “Man, it is soooo good to just chat with another guy, you know? Why are there so many mares anyway?”

Spike shrugs. “That’s just the way it is, I suppose.”

“So, what’s next on your slave-list?”

“It’s not a slave-list, I’m performing very important tasks for Twilight as her number one assistant!”

“Sure, so what’s next?”

He looks over the list. “Pick up dry cleaning.”

I grin, looking down at Spike and trying not to laugh.

“This is just very, very bad timing, I swear!”

“Whatever man, I’m just saying, if you end up with a collar that says ‘Property of Twilight Sparkle’...”

Spike groans. I’m having too much fun. “Or would you prefer it say ‘Property of Rarity’?”

He raises a claw and opens his mouth in protest... but shuts it quickly. “I’m not going to give you anymore ammo, man.”

“Alright, alright, I’m done. But in all honesty, I suppose I could ask Rarity what she thinks of you.”

He gives me a suspicious glance. “Really? You aren’t gonna pull anything, are you? If the next time I see her, she thinks I-”

“Calm down man, I don’t have anything to gain by doing anything like that.” I grin. “Yet.”

“Dude, you’re evil.” I laugh and reply. “No way, if I was evil, it’d be a lot easier to figure out what’s wrong with me.”

“I know what’s wrong with you, already.”

That catches me off-guard. “Oh? What is it?”

“Plenty. There’s plenty wrong with you.”

I laugh again. “You got me there, Spike. Anyway, I’ll leave you to your incredibly important list of incredibly important tasks.”

“Ha ha, very funny.”

Chapter 29

I had a very important thing to attend to myself, for real. In all the confusion, I forgot about Cotton Cloudy. I don’t know why, but it just feels like... I couldn’t think of it until now. I’ve made up my mind that I’m not going to hurt her mom, but I need to know why she was so...

Wait. Rewind the tape. I was waiting for Lightning, she came home, I grab her, I black out, I wake up... in the... Changeling hive... captured...

No. No way. I Spark up, surprising the nearby ponies and rush to the house I was at before, rushing through other houses, phasing through every obstacle in my way. Eventually, I get up to the house. Not bothering to Power down, I knock on the door.

Lightning Bolt opens the door. Or is it Lightning Bolt? She’s startled and tries slamming the door, but I stop it with my foot. I’m not sure if it even hurts, but I don’t notice it if it does. I force open the door and step inside.

“That’s not a very nice thing to do to people, especially ones like me.” I glare at her, focusing my sparkling glare on her. “I’m here to see Cotton Cloudy. I’m not going to take no for an answer, am I clear?” The mare nods, pointing me to a stairway. Red flag: She’s not even going to try to save her filly?

I walk up the stairs and Power down. I walk into the first room I see. No Cotton. I try the next door over, and I see Cotton, asleep in a little, filly-sized bed. She looks so peaceful, like an angel. Wait... Isn’t it a school day? I swear I saw some kids head to the schoolhouse earlier. She looks old enough to go to school. I know I didn’t like school, but a parent should still make their kid go to school for a proper education. That’s two Red Flags.

I approach the filly, kneeling down by her bedside. I run my hand through her mane gently and her eyes flutter open. “Hey there, Cotton.” I whisper. “How are ya?”

She looks up at me and smiles. “Hi Anthony... I’m *yawn* kinda tired.”

“Heh, it’s a bit late in the day to be asleep, don’t you think?”

“Mommy said it’s okay, because I get so *yawn* so tired all the time and my head hurts sometimes.”

I remember what Twilight’s notes said about Changelings. The process is painful and draining for the victim. Red Flag three. That’s it.

“Okay, well then you rest. And don’t worry about a thing.” I decide to throw in a bit more Shakespeare for the hell of it, taking a specific liberty of course. “Good night sweet princess, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." She giggles quietly, and closes her eyes, drifting off to sleep once again.

I walk downstairs and I approach the mare. “Come with me, ma’am. We’re going for a little walk.”

I draw a bit of a crowd as I walk. It’s probably because I have a grown mare slung over my back, holding her by her hind legs and a coal band clamping her mouth shut. I don’t care, because as far as I’m concerned, a filly could be missing her mother and being abused. If this mare really is Lightning Bolt, I will apologize. If it’s a Changeling...

I come to the library, and walk in. I drop the mare on the table in the middle of the room. Twilight isn’t around, so I sit and wait, watching the mare to make sure she doesn’t try anything stupid. I don’t have to wait long, as the door opens and Twilight walks in. “Hello Twilight.” I begin calmly. “There is a very serious matter I need help with.”

She stares at the muzzled mare on the table, then to me. “Anthony...” I can tell she’s about to yell, so I clamp my hand over her mouth. “Mmmmmph!”

“Listen Twilight, I need you to calm down and listen to me. This is very important, and Ponyville may be in trouble.”

I see her eyes soften, so I let go of her mouth. Her first words are sharp, but a good choice. “What is going on here?”

“Well, I made friends with this filly I saved, and a while ago, she showed signs of parental negligence.”

“So you tied up her mom?”

“I’m getting to that. I read in your notes quite a lot of information about Changelings and while I know I’m not the world’s greatest detective, I have evidence to support my theory that this mare right here is a Changeling imposter who has been feeding off of a filly’s love for her mother.”

Twilight has a serious look on her face. “This is very serious, I suppose this should be settled as soon as possible.” She walks up to the table and her horn glows with magic. She fires a beam at the mare, and confirms my suspicions, as a wave of green flames wash over the mare, white fur being replaced by dark chitin. Twilight gasps. “Ch- Changelings! No!”

I pick the Changeling up off the table by the head and smash it against the library floor over and over, screaming with rage. All I can think of is bashing this parasite’s brains in. I keep on slamming it until all I’m holding is a cracked carapace covered in green blood. I realize that the entire time I wasn’t even breathing. I take a deep breath as I drop the limp insectoid creature. “Geez Anthony, I know you want to protect ponies in trouble but... that was...”

“Don’t... talk about it, alright? I’ll explain everything later. Right now, I need to know what Changelings do with ponies they’ve replaced.”

“Well, to be honest, I’ve only experienced it once, and it was the queen. I don’t know what a normal Changeling would do...”

“We have to find this mare, Twilight.”

Chapter 30

Given that we had no other leads, Twilight and I had decided to try Cotton’s house and check the basement or a closet or something. Sure it’s stupid, but it’s better than sitting in the library doing nothing and leaving a filly to the Changelings. I’m about to run off, but Twilight stops me.

“Wait, shouldn’t we get some backup, at least?”

“What? Every moment we waste something bad could happen to Cotton! I can handle some Changelings by myself!”

“I saw you handle one Changeling that was tied up.” I wanted to protest and tell her I took on a quarter of a hive but that would require explaining and a story I did not have time to tell.

“Look Twilight, you can either help me, or not, I don’t care. I’m going now!” With that, I Spark up and rush to Cotton’s house once more. As I run, I curse the distance. Despite my blurring speed, with a metaphorical clock ticking, each step feels like it takes five minutes.

I feel angry. Angry at these Changelings and what they’ve done and might do, angry at Chrysalis for her lies and deceit, angry at myself for being so damn blind.

After a full minute of eternity, I see the house. I don’t bother with stopping to open the door, so I just phase through it. I’m about to rush up the stairs when I hear something from a room to the right. Still powered up, I run into the room and see a couch, a few chairs, a short table. It’s a living room, but no Changelings... Suddenly I hear a hiss behind me. I whirl around, but before I can act, I’m knocked into the living room and twenty or so Changelings appear out of absolute nowhere! I get up only to get knocked down again. Now I’m angry... but I don’t have any coal, and I can’t use fire powers without risking burning down the house. Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give up. I punch the nearest Changeling, and do the same with another. I feel fangs dig into my side. I wince in pain as I grab the Changeling’s head and throw it into the wall. More fangs, this time in my shoulder. These spaces are too tight, I don’t have time to focus on only one target at a time!

I continue my struggle, and eventually I start to win, then I feel a pain in my back, like I’ve been burned. They have horns, of course they have magic. I turn to strike at the Changeling behind me, but I’m caught off-guard by two more magic blasts. I start to feel dizzy, and I fall to the floor. The Changelings dogpile on me, biting and kicking and punching. I can’t fight back.

No... not like this. It can’t end... like this...

Suddenly, there’s a bright light and the Changelings are blasted off of me. What?

“I told you you can’t handle the Changelings!” Twilight! Oh I have never been so happy to see her. I scramble to my feet and continue my assault. Now that I have backup it’s so much easier. I watch as Twilight casts all sorts of spells, each one having a different effect, but all of them used with precision and power. Twilight really is quite the unicorn.

No time to think about that! I start throwing punches at anything vaguely insectoid, but somehow, they just keep coming. With all the damage I’ve suffered, I realize that the outfit Rarity made for me is in tatters, blood showing through my undershirt where I’ve been bitten. Another magic attack from the left! I see it coming this time and defuse it, but it leaves me open to a charge attack. My large body is a huge disadvantage here. Oh, why didn’t I get the power to shrink?

Another Changeling tries to rush me, but this time, I see it and go intangible. I watch as my attacker flies right through me... and into Twilight! Seeing their chance, all the Changelings pile onto her in a frenzy like they did to me earlier. But now they’re all distracted. I pray Twilight can hold on as I grab a lamp and break it in half over my knee. It hurts like hell, but now that I have a weapon I can do something. I pull Changeling after Changeling off of Twilight and beat them all senseless. I can hear her cries of pain, screaming for help. Angered, I point the broken end of the lamp pole at some of the Changelings, and run them through, using the sharp edge to skewer their heads to the wall. I grab one more Changeling, and tear off a piece of it’s armor. I hear it squeal as I then stomp on it’s unarmored back. I then use the slab of chitin to beat off the rest of the Changelings, and Twilight gets up, and casts one more spell, taking out one while I’m left with the last two. They both lunge at me with bared fangs. Thinking fast, I shove the piece of chitin into the mouth of the nearest, wedging it’s jaw open. Then I grab the second by the mouth and pull it’s jaws apart. I hear it shriek in pain as I tear off it’s lower jaw. It collapses to the ground, bleeding from it’s now useless mouth. Unfortunately, the first Changeling has stopped trying to bite me and I see it’s horn glow green and fire at me once more, knocking me to the ground. Twilight blasts it twice, and we’ve won. I can’t even stand, I’m too beaten and hurt. My wounds burn and my fists and joints ache. I can tell Twilight is exhausted as well, but she uses one more spell.

We’re back at the library in Twilight’s room. I lean on her as she helps carry me to her bed. I lay down, the adrenaline still pumping through me. I still feel pretty dizzy from that last magic blast. It could also be blood loss. Then, Twilight speaks.

“You... you were incredible back there. Thanks for... saving my life.”

“Thanks for saving mine.”

“I couldn’t just let you die. I had to do something.” She moves onto the bed to rest next to me.

“And did you ever. I must admit, I didn’t expect that kind of power from you.”

Twilight blushed. “I’m... I’m just glad you’re safe.”

I give a small smile and scratch her behind the ear. Then she does something that I never would ever imagine, she kisses me. I pull away.

“Twilight, what the heck?” She shushes me and kisses me again. I must admit, it feels nice. I’ve never kissed a girl before. It... it’s not so bad. But something feels weird, but then, I’m kissing someone with a muzzle rather than a normal human nose. But in truth, I don’t mind. I lean into the kiss. As strange as it is kissing a pony, let alone Twilight, I feel like I’ve earned this.

Eventually she pulls away, and we just look at each other. I feel... happy. I hold her and we just share this moment together. Everything feels so... right. She rubs her cheek against mine, and I stroke her mane.

She looks me in the eyes, and I just stare at hers. Soft pools of lavender that feel so... comforting.

“You really were amazing back there.” She whispers. “Like a brave knight, or a powerful king...”

Wait. King? King? I scream with rage.

“King!?” I push Twilight off of me and she hits her head against the wall, her disguise ruined. I seethe with fury as I watch the library fade into Chrysalis’ chamber in the Changeling hive.

“You unbelievable bitch!!” I stand up, realizing I’m not hurt. I feel perfectly fine! “You were going to feed on me! You were going to turn me into a mindless zombie!”

“A- Anthony, I-”

“You manipulate me, trick me, confuse me, and now you try and make me into a pile of food!?” I scream with rage as I Spark up and Ignite. I set fire to Chrysalis’ bed. I continue my angry rant. Words are the only thing keeping me from going nuts with violence... but the only words that come to mind make me seem already there. “Mess with my emotions! Try and twist my heart! Turn me into a fucking puppet!?”

I rush forward, and kick Chrysalis in her midsection. I grab her horn “I’ve. Had. Enough.”

I do what I did with Luna and charge flames through my fist and into her twisted horn, kicking her once more. I see her mouth open in a scream, but I’m so angry I don’t hear anything but my own rapid heartbeat in my ears.

“Now reap what you’ve sown, you pathetic insect!” I grasp her horn in both hands and send as much heat through them as I can. In a few moments, I let go. She feebly tries to get to her feet, but in doing so, disturbs her horribly damaged horn, and I watch as it crumples into a pile of ashes on the floor, leaving her with nothing but a charred nub. I push her back over onto the ground.

I stand over her, rage burning in my chest. I feel so used and abused. Played for a fool. Something in the back of my mind tells me to just kill her and be done with it, leave the Changelings to fend for themselves.

I should do what’s right and give her a second chance, I should be a good person and not kill her where she lays. I should be a savior and try and convince her to give up her evil ways.

I am none of those things. I grow until my head almost hits the roof of her chamber, and stomp her like the pathetic, useless disgusting bug she is. I walk down off the balcony and into the main room. I expect a flood of Changelings to come out and kill me where I stand, in an instinctual charge to avenge their queen... but none come. I hear a struggling noise. Powering up, I rush over to the sound, and I see a large, green cocoon. It’s shaking slightly and I can hear noises from inside. I punch through it’s outer membrane and tear it open. Out falls a barely conscious Twilight. The real Twilight.

Seeing her, I think back to the last mind game Chrysalis tried to play with me. It messes with my head so badly. I’m tired.

“Twilight?”

“Mmph... huh?”

“Can you get us home?”

“I th- think so.”

I pause for a second. “Not the library.”

“O- okay...”

Back in Ponyville, I pick up the collapsed Twilight and take her to the hospital. Once I’ve made sure she’ll be taken care of, I head off to Cotton’s house, and I see the living room in a wreck, but not nearly as bad as I recall. The lamp is still intact, so it must have been some time before that. It’s not important. Cotton is. Just to make sure, I walk into her room and I see Lightning Bolt sitting there. When she sees me she goes wide-eyed and holds her hooves around her sleeping child. She’s the real deal, thank goodness.

“Is... is she safe?”

Mollified by my words, Lightning Bolt simply nods. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I thank the mare and leave her to her child. They’re both safe and that’s all that matters.

My current business in Ponyville done, I walk to the edge of the Everfree forest. I just sit and think. About Twilight and about what Chrysalis wanted me to see. I sigh heavily. I have experience, I know what love feels like. I know for sure that I don’t feel that for Twilight, but... why did Chrysalis choose her? Was she the most convenient choice, or...

I shake my head. It doesn’t matter. Chrysalis is gone now, and things are back to normal. I’m going to stay in Ponyville... with my friends. I get an evil grin as I come up with a great idea for a prank. I Spark up and charge off to get some supplies.

Rainbow Dash won’t know what hit her!

Chapter 31

I’m sitting down reading a book in the library. I turn the page and a bat flies out of the book!

“Holy crap!” I watch the bat leap into the air and then flutter to the ground, unmoving. I look closer... it’s just a piece of paper with a drawing of a bat on it! I hear a laugh from outside the library window.

“Hah, gotcha, Anthony!”

I chuckle. “Good one Dash, but don’t think you’ve won.”

Faking a gasp of horror, she flies off into the sky. I chase her outside, and I hear a *click* at my feet.

Huh? Suddenly have a pie in my face. I hear Pinkie giggling from behind a tree. “You have not won either Pink- ooooh, banana cream.”

Pinkie replies with a quick “You’re welcome!” and runs off.

For the past two months, Pinkie, Rainbow, and I have been participating in a three-way prank war. It started when Pinkie and I poured grape juice all over Rainbow Dash’s cloud house. Even though Pinkie didn’t get the “Purple rain” joke, it was still hilarious. Because of that, sometimes one of us works with another to set up a big prank for the third.

We are certainly enjoying ourselves, but unfortunately, there have been some “misfires” and “unintended victims”. Occasionally, a prank is set up, but it has a malfunction or is accidentally triggered by a random pony, leading to someone other than the intended target being affected. In other words, we screw up and hit innocent bystanders.

It’s all in good fun, but there are still times when one is not in the mood to be pranked, especially if they are not part of the war. This has led to us getting in a lot of trouble. Last week, Mrs. Cake came home before Pinkie did and ended up with a bucket of porridge on her head. Boy, she was soooo mad, I had to avoid her for the next two days.

I had the perfect idea to get Rainbow Dash back, but I needed some help. I checked my list of ingredients.

First, I need some hydrogen peroxide. Luckily, I know where I can get it.

I head to the Ponyville dental clinic and ask for some. The mare hands me a medium sized bottle.

“Here’s your mouthwash, sir.” I grin. Mouthwash, sure, hehehehehe.

Next I need some yeast. I head over to Sugarcube Corner to see Pinkie Pie. I walk in the door.

“Heya Mrs. Cake. I’m here to see Pinkie about something.” She gives me a suspicious glance. I raise my arms. “I come in peace, I swear.”

She sighs and gestures for me to go up the stairs. I open Pinkie’s door.

“Heya Pinkie.”

“Anthony!?” She shoves something behind her back and I give her a grin. “Er, I mean, hi!”

“So Pinkie, wanna help me with something I have planned for Rainbow?”

“Sure! What are we gonna get Dashie with this time?” I kneel down and whisper my plan to her. “Oooooooooooooh, I can’t wait!”

“Great, now I’m gonna need some yeast and warm water.”

Pinkie straightens up and gives me a salute, grinning like a maniac “Okie Dokie Lokie! I’ll be right back!”

So we’re positioned under Rainbow’s house, and we have a bottle rocket ready.

“Now Pinkie, remember, we have to set the rocket off immediately after we mix the ingredients into this chamber here, got it?”

“Yep! We send this rocket straight up into Dashie’s cloud and then it fills her house with goo!”

“Alright, let’s do it.” I pour in the yeast mixture and give it a moment to settle. This is very delicate and requires precision, which is why I’m doing it. Thumbs are awesome.

I squeeze in some dish soap and use a thin stick of coal to mix it all together. Now it gets tricky.

“Alright Pinkie, safety goggles on.” We strap on our protective eyewear and I take a cup and a half of the Hydrogen Peroxide. I pour it in quickly and Spark up, using my fire powers to start the fuse.

The rocket launches into the air, but a sudden gust of wind throws the rocket off course. Uh oh. It’s heading right for Golden Oaks. Twilight steps outside and I see the rocket land at her feet.

“Twilight, run!” She looks up.

“Wha-” *FOOOMF!*

The mixture in the rocket goes off, spewing out enough sticky goop to fill an entire house. Twilight is no longer visible, trapped in the mass of  textureless white foam.

Pinkie pats me on the back. “Wow, I uh... I just remembered I need to be somewhere. Bye!” I watch Pinkie run off at a full gallop. Great.

“Anthony! What in Equestria is this stuff!?” Twilight continues yelling as she struggles to get out of the thick compound.

Twilight comes downstairs, having finally gotten all of the gunk out of her coat, mane, and tail. She gives me the evil eye every chance she gets.

"Spike. Take... a letter.” I’ve seen Twilight angry, but I’ve never seen her develop a nervous tick because of it.

Cautiously, Spike comes up to Twilight, armed with quill and parchment. Even he’s scared. Twilight begins her dictation.

“Dear Princess Celestia.

I'm going to kill Anthony if you don't get him out of my reach.

Your faithful and infuriated student,

Twilight Sparkle."

“Would saying sorry for the hundred and eighteenth time help?” I ask.

Twilight glares at me, eyes burning with silent fury. “Not in the slightest.”

Oh well, guess I’m going to be spending the next week or so in Canterlot...

Chapter 32

I’m walking around the Castle Town portion of Canterlot. The place is a bit new to me, or rather, I’m a bit new to the town. As such, I get my usual surprised glances, shut doors and the like. I decide to check out what kind of stuff goes on around a posh place like this.

I walk along seeing fancy shop after fancy shop. This place is practically built on consumerism. It’s more than a little irritating. Surely these high-class ponies have more entertainment than shopping. Ah who am I kidding? I don’t belong here, I’m far too... rustic, I suppose.

I turn a corner and the first building I see I have to give a double take. It looks like. A dance club? And not like some schmancy ballroom, this place is for parties. Oh thank Nayru, I have hope for this town yet. I approach the door, but it says it’s closed until much later in the afternoon, practically night. Ah, one of those kind of clubs. Perfect. I make a mental note of how to get back here for later.

Even after having checked about ten more blocks, I don’t see any more similar places of entertainment. I feel the urge to shake things up a bit, break the doldrums of this one-rave-town.

But what to do? Man I miss Discord sometimes, but there’s still two and a half years until his detention is up. I sigh heavily.

I run out into the street and approach the first pony I see. I grab him by his... whatever horses have instead of shoulders.

“What do you bores do for fun all day!?” The stallion just freaks out and bolts, of course. I stay in the middle of the streets and raise my arms to the sky. “This place is so boring!!” I’m approached by a guard.

“Sir, I’m sorry you’re bored, but if you continue yelling like that, I going to have to charge you with noise pollution and disturbing the peace.”

“Fiiiiine...” I just walk off and find a cafe where I sit down. Unsurprisingly, I’m not served as I don’t look like I’d have money. Or because I’m a freak. Hard to tell with these stuck up ponies. Suddenly I’m approached by a... pony? Shape is right, but it’s wearing so many facial and bodily-obscuring clothes I honestly can’t tell. I can at least tell it has a horn. Pink, but that doesn’t really help much.

“Hello there.” Well, definitely a feminine voice.

“Uh... hi?”

She chuckles. “Yes, I’m actually talking to you. You don’t seem very... accepted.”

“Yeah, and all the stuff around here is so expensive it’s crazy.”

“Let me buy you something.”

“R- really?” This is a surprise. She’s... actually nice. “I mean, thanks. You’re the first pony here to even give me a chance.”

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t.”

She goes inside the cafe and returns with a pair of... I’m not sure. It’s some kind of pastry, but I don’t quite have a name for it. Anyway, I take a bite. Not bad.

“So, I suppose I should introduce myself. I’m Anthony.”

She places her hoof in my hand and I shake it.

She gives me one of the most sincere smiles I’ve seen.

“My name is Cadence.”

I have to admit, this pony is nothing like the usual ponies around here. We just sat and talked, she always had a happy smile and seemed to be enjoying my company just as much as I’m enjoying hers.

She does occasionally shift her eyes to the side, but I suppose a bit of paranoia isn’t bad. She’s so nice I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been mugged before. We continue our conversation, just sharing anecdotes. Of course, I refrain from mentioning my more intense experiences, but I still manage to make my life sound interesting.

I’m recounting one of the more humorous stories and in a fit of laughter, she throws her head back and her hat falls off. Suddenly she gets a deer-in-the-headlights look, and then a guard runs over. “Oh drat.” She mutters.

“Princess Cadence, there you are! You know you shouldn’t wander away from your detachment!” He gives me a hard glare. “You never know what kind of weirdos you’ll meet.”

“Well, uh, hope to see you later, Cadence!” I shout after her as she’s led away by her escort.

“Bye Anthony! Uh... gotta go!”

Princess huh? That’s unexpected. Guess she gets just as bored with this place as I do and has to sneak out. I make a point of figuring out where I can meet Cadence again. Maybe Celestia or Luna would know, princesses and all that.

Well, I’ve managed to wait out the day, and now I’ve returned to the dance club I found earlier. I don’t know what these ponies would consider heavier music but I suppose it can’t be too bad. I walk in, and I’m... surprised. First of all, I’m not kicked out for being weird. Second of all, it looks like a normal human setup for the interior. Large speakers, a dance floor with plenty of room, enough light to see but not so much that it’s very well-lit.

And the ponies. Oh man, those that are wearing clothes are definitely wearing what I’d consider ‘party-wear’, and plenty of them have glowsticks! I’m getting really psyched up. I approach a random mare with a glowstick band around her neck.

“Hey, this is my first time here. Is the music good?”

“Oh you bet, this place is the bomb! And tonight, they even have DJ-PON3 on, she rocks!”

Okay, now I’m really excited.

After a bit of waiting, it’s showtime. Some colored lights shine down on the turntable set. Out walks a white unicorn with some really neat shades and the craziest mane I’ve ever seen, and her cutie mark is a pair of bridged eighth notes.

Everything about this pony just screams ‘Party!’. When she reaches her turntables, the crowd just goes absolutely wild.

She holds up her hooves to calm down the crowd and leans into the mic.

“Hello Canterlooooot!”

Even though I’m from out of town, the energy radiated by the crowd pumps me up so much I cheer with them. She continues once the cheers die down.

“Yeah! We’re gonna have some fun tonight! Everypony got their ‘sticks?”

I can’t help myself, I’m so pumped!

I shout at the top of my lungs. “I am the stick!!!” I strike a rocker pose and Spark up, bathing the nearby ponies in my glow.

DJ-PON3 looks out into the crowd at me, before responding just as loudly. “He isthe stick!! Let’s get this party started!!”

The lights start flashing rapidly as the music comes on. It’s exactly like I expected, only a lot better. Still glowing, I just go absolutely crazy. I probably look like a moron with the way I’m dancing, but at the moment, I couldn’t care less. This is exactly what I’ve needed since I got to Equestria! I move my body along with the techno, interlaced with some of the heaviest bass lines I’ve heard. I feel like my body is just filled with energy as I feel the music pump through my body. The floor could be shaking for all I knew, it probably was, but I felt so in the zone that nothing could bring me down off of cloud nine.

I just keep dancing, feeling the heavy beat intersect the wavering electronic undertones, and I feel like a party animal. All the other ponies are the same. This DJ could lay down music like a master of sound. Not a single pony in the club was sitting down or even standing still. DJ-PON3 does some magic spell or whatever, and she walks away from the stage to join the partygoers.

Eventually, I can’t move anymore, and I’m completely all danced out. Then DJ-PON3 walks over to me, and with a ‘follow me’ gesture, she leads me through a door. It’s a back room of sorts, like a small lounge. You can still hear the music clearly, but it’s quiet enough to have a conversation. I sit down, letting out a breath.

“Man, that’s some great music.”

DJ-PON3 grins wide. “Thanks, new guy!” She reaches into a mini fridge and pulls out a bottle. She tosses one to me and, according to the label, it’s root beer. This day is just about perfect!

The DJ takes a long draught from the bottle and sets it down on a table next to her. Then, another pony walks in. A pristine, dark mane, and a light gray coat. She practically embodies what I’d imagine a ‘Canterlot’ pony to look like. She greets the DJ, weird, but I’m not one to judge weird things.

“Those were some pretty neat moves out there, new guy! I’ve never seen anypony dance like that before!”

“It helps to not have two left feet.” This gets a chuckle out the gray mare, but not the DJ, who turns to her friend. “I don’t get it, what’s so funny, Tavi?”

“Never you mind, Vinyl.” She replies, covering her mouth as she chuckles. “So, you are certainly a new face around here. May I have your name?”

“Anthony.” I give a little bow. “That was some really really good music. You got serious skills, girl.”

“Hah, a fan already eh?” The DJ gets a cocky grin. “Well, I hate to toot my own horn...”

The gray mare finishes for her friend. “Yet, she will anyway.”

“Tavi!”

“It’s true.”

I grin at the exchange. “So, you’ve gotten my name, what’s your handle? Or do you live by your stage name?”

She finishes her root beer, and lets out a loud burp, to which the gray mare sighed at the terrible manners. Not that I’m much better though.

“Name’s Vinyl Scratch.” She takes off her shades and she has some nice magenta eyes. “Guess by your reaction out there, you might be a regular?”

“Hope so, this place rocks!”

“Hah, that’s what I like to hear.”

“You already know what I like to hear.” we share a grin.

“You’re a pretty cool guy, Anthony. So what are you, anyway?”

“I’m a human.”

“Huh...” She turns to the gray mare, who shakes her head. Vinyl turns to me and shrugs.

“Sorry, I’m one of a kind. So who’s your friend?”

The gray mare stands up straight and gives what I assume is the pony equivalent of a curtsey. “My name is Octavia. I am the lead cellist for the Royal Canterlot Symphony.”

“And what’s a classy mare like you doing down here in a rave house?”

“I’m here with Vinyl. I actually don’t mind the heavier form of aural entertainment, honestly.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I rock.” Vinyl replied.

“And apparently, so do I, since you have not missed a single one of my recitals yet.” Octavia grins.

“H- hey, I, uh, I...”

I try and save my new DJ pal. “Hey, nothing wrong with having a bit of culture. All music can be just as entertaining, it all depends on who’s behind the instrument.”

Vinyl lets out a sigh of relief. “You’re not a bad guy, Anthony. It’s getting pretty late and I gotta wrap this party up. Hope you come by another time, I’m back here next week.”

“Sweet! If I’m around, I’ll totally be here.”

“Glad to hear it, dude. Catch ya later!”

“Goodbye Anthony, it was nice meeting you.”

My first night on the town in Canterlot. I’d call tonight a success. Tired, I head back to the castle and to my room. I feel completely worn out, but in a good way.

Chapter 33

So, since I’ve nothing better to do, I decide that I should at least see about this ‘Shopping’ thing these Canterlot ponies are so enthralled with.

I walk down to the biggest mall I can find and just walk in. I decide to at least get a laugh by going to some clothes shops and asking if they have anything in my size, as if they carried outfits for humans. Then I act shocked that they don’t have human clothes and call them racists. It got two confused looks, one scared, and three “I am not amused by your antics.” remarks.

I notice a bookstore and decide to check out the older literature section. One book catches my eye and I wince. Travels in Wunderland, by Blueish Carol. There are a few more. The Collected Bestiary of Wunderland and Lookinglass Gates; a Brief Explanation of Portals.

I move on to another group in the same section. What I find is not much better.

MacIntosh, Midsummer Night's Dreamwalking, Two Gentlecolts of Veroinka and Rome-Orange and Applette.

Who are these written by? A stallion named Spear Shaker.

O Equestria, thy foolish wordplay doth infuriate my soul. How glorious 'twould be if you could see thy humorless attempts at comedy, lest I would not wish a thousand perils to befall thy lands, and to gouge out mine eyes with a gardening rake.

I check out some of the books. Of course it’s pretty much the same, but there are some major differences that make them a lot lighter. For one, the Romeo and Juliet mockery has some alicorn of love come in and magically revive the couple after they’ve committed suicide. First of all, have you no guts? Let them die. Secondly, alicorn of love? This belongs in the children’s fiction section.

Hoping Blueish Carol fares better, I crack open Travels in Wunderland. Given what a strange fictitious place Wonderland was already, it’s not that bad, but there’s something bugging me. It’s not terribly different from Lewis’ book, and in a magical land like Equestria, this ‘Wunderland’ place doesn’t sound that far-fetched. I decide to buy it.

I head to the counter at the front and there’s an old pony at the register. I hand him the book. “Blueish Carol? Nopony’s had any interest in these books for ages... You are strange, sir, but you give me hope.” I thank the stallion and leave.

I continue to the toy section of the mall and I don’t believe what I see. This is like a children’s paradise! There are all kinds of toys and they’re just out in the open! No packaging, no glass walls, the toys are just out there for someone to pick up and play with! Then I notice that there are building blocks. Tons upon tons of building blocks. Adorable stuffed animals of various colors and sizes. There’s a huge closet of any sort of costume and prop imaginable and a small stage with various backdrops. Hula hoops, frisbees, a complete arsenal of soft dart and water guns, a giant ball pit, there’s so much stuff here it’s incredible. I notice that the only ponies around here are just a bunch of fillies and colts. Not a single adult around. At least, none I can see.

I shed a single tear, for I have found the Promised Land.

I sit atop my beanbag chair throne, holding my plastic scepter and wearing a crown of the finest polished aluminum. I sit in front of my subjects, all stuffed with straw and cotton. My impenetrable fortress made of wooden blocks, is stronger than the hardest styrofoam, and I rule my land of all things plastic and made in china. Or whatever the Equestrian equivalent of China is. Whatever.

I watch as interlopers dare to take down my kingdom, and I pull out my mighty crossbow, my shots flying true, hitting all of my foes and I watch as they scream and writhe in pain...

The foals get up and load their own dart guns with the ammunition I hit them with. We play like this until all the foals are taken home by their mothers. Doesn’t matter, I can still continue. Then the store lights begin to go out and a stallion approaches me.

“Sir, the mall is closing, I’m afraid you are going to have to leave before we lock up for the night.”

“None can take down Castle Blockfort! By my decree, thy shall be smitten!”

“Sir, please, we need to lock up.”

“Brave knight Sir Fluffles, defend your kingdom from the oppressors!” I proceed to throw a stuffed cat at the stallion’s hooves, and he lets out a sigh.

“Your majesty must go home to sleep. Castle Blockfort will still be here when you get back.”

“Awwwwwww...”

Chapter 34

Once I was out of the mall, my mind seemed to remember that I was no longer five years old, so I decided to just head back to the castle. Getting inside was a lot easier now that Celestia decided to tell the guards that I could come and go as I please, unless told otherwise, that is.

Anyway, I make my way through the huge castle and get to my room. I flop onto the bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. I’m worn out. But my mind is still running, thinking about what other things in Canterlot there was for me to enjoy. Well, actually, there was plenty I could do, but most of those ideas might end up with me being kicked out of Canterlot. And since Ponyville is out of the question, I honestly didn’t have anywhere else to go. I recall my first train ride to Canterlot, and the tickets that said ‘Appleoosa’. I wonder what kind of place that is. Eh, I can find out sometime later...

I’m back in Ponyville, specifically Sugarcube Corner. It’s sort of become my usual hangout aside from the library since I can get food and hang out with Pinkie. Speaking of, we had just won the prank war. Technically I won, but Pinkie decided to concede, because by this point, my pranks were getting a little crazy.

Rather than taking the victory all to myself, I figured I would share it with Pinkie. I think right now, Dash is still trying to scrub itching powder out of her coat. Pinkie raises a toast to us and our success, and we just hang out and chat, talking about the little adventures we’ve had that the other wasn’t aware of. Obviously, I stayed away from anything involving the Changelings, as I didn’t want to dampen the mood. And boy what a mood, it felt great just to sit and talk and enjoy Pinkie’s company. She’s the only person I’ve met aside from Discord who finds my kind of crazy entertaining rather than worrisome.

We’re finishing off another round of root beer floats when Luna walks in. It’s kinda strange, but I guess when you’re a princess, you don’t have to explain a lot of your actions. She’s looking around, like she’s studying the place. I guess she’s never been to Sugarcube Corner before. I decide to just say hi.

“Whassup, Luna? Grab a seat, have a soda!”

Luna looks a bit confused. “I’m... not sure I’m in the right place...”

Pinkie jumps up. “Well you are now! This is Sugarcube Corner, it doesn’t matter if you’re a princess or a party-pooper, we’ll make sure you have a great time!”

Luna was still looking around, now even more confused. “I’m sorry, I expected something... rather different, I suppose.”

I get up and wrap an arm around Luna. “Uh, the place looks like a giant gingerbread house. What in the world were you expecting?”

Pinkie thinks for a moment before brightening up. “Balloons? Music? Cake? Wait, we have cake already... uh...”

Luna interrupts. “Pardon me, but I would like to borrow Anthony for a while.” She leads me outside and I sit on the steps by the door.

“So Luna, what do you want with me?” I grin. “Aside from the obvious?”

“I assure you Anthony, that even in your dreams I do not harbor any attraction to you.”

I chuckle. “Fine, fine, I’ll drop it. So really, what do you want?”

“I wanted to see how your mind works. As I said... I’m not sure I’m in the right place. I assumed it would be a bit... darker here.”

“Nah, the weather ponies don’t have a storm planned until Wednesday.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Huh? I don’t get it.”

Luna thinks for a moment. “Anthony, how did you get to Ponyville?”

“On a train, duh!”

“And do you remember the train ride? Do you even remember leaving Canterlot?” That got me, because I didn’t.

“That’s odd... why wouldn’t I remember...”

“Because it didn’t happen, Anthony. You just brought yourself here to Ponyville. You’re asleep.”

“So... I’m dreaming?”

“That’s correct.”

“Well, this is the first time I’ve had a dream tell me I’m dreaming. Usually I figure that out on my own.”

“I am not part of your dream, Anthony. As princess of the night, I am also princess of dreams. I wanted to see what you were like under all of your humor and... rage.”

“So let me get this straight. You’re walking around in my mind, while I’m asleep?”

“Yes, that is correct. Though as I said earlier, I expected something... different.”

“Like what? A giant monster or something?”

“Well, that would make a bit more sense to me, given where I am. You aren’t the most stable or calm pony I’ve met. I expected your dreams to be... similar.”

“What, so just because my head is messed up, my subconscious should be as well?”

“Not necessarily, but that’s usually the case. Either way... why’d you dream about Ponyville. Why not your home?”

I sigh, leaning back. “Luna, if there was any way for me to be sent back, I’m pretty sure you, your sister, or Twilight would have discovered it by now. As far as I’m concerned, this is my home now.”

“But, none of us have even tried looking for a way to send you back. Perhaps Twilight has, but neither I nor my sister has done any research into such a matter.”

“Really? Huh. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. I like this place better anyway. Sure I’m a freak of nature in Equestria, but at least it’s because I’m not a pony. When you’re an outcast by your own species... it’s different.”

“I understand. For a while, I was an outcast as well. But that’s a story for another time.”

“It wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with Nightmare Moon, would it?”

“What!? How do you know...”

“Twilight told me the story of how she met her friends, and she couldn’t exactly do that without mentioning Nightmare.”

“D- do you think that I...”

“No way. Come on, look at yourself. You’re not evil. If anyone around here was to become evil, I think my chances are a lot higher.” Suddenly my mind flashes back to the vision I had, specifically the part where I stabbed Luna through her throat. I shudder.

I should get Luna out of here before things start to get dark. “Well, I appreciate your company, princess, but I think I’d like it if you left.”

“What?”

“If you want to talk, you don’t have to be in my dream, just... just ask me.”

“But why can’t we talk here? After all, we’ve been doing so thus far.”

“I... I just don’t want you here. Now that I realize this is a dream, I’d rather you left. My mind isn’t a nice place.”

Luna takes a cursory glance around. The sun is shining, not a single cloud in the sky, there’s birds chirping... all that happy-feely garbage.

“This doesn’t seem so bad to me.”

“Luna, please. I’m afraid I have to say that tonight it was just luck. You are right to think that, at times, my mind is a scary place.”

She pouts. “Don’t try to make yourself seem what you are not. I know I expected more danger here at first, but your mind is no darker than that of any other foal I’ve met while Dreamwalking.”

I sigh. I need to prove it. I don’t want to, but... “Alright Luna. You didn’t quite ask for this, but I warned you. You want to see every aspect of my subconscious?”

“It can’t possibly be that bad. Your bravado suggests otherwise, but I feel you are merely putting up a front.”

“Would you like to see another dream I’ve had?”

I close my eyes. If this is a dream, I can change our surroundings. I choose Canterlot. The way I remember it in the vision. The city burning. Changelings destroying everything in sight. Then... myself. Luna and I look down upon the me from the vision. Glowing green with power, preparing for the fight with the princesses. I turn my head. I can’t watch as the dream-me impales Luna with his sword before cutting off her head. I hear the Luna beside me gasp.

I have to look. I can’t turn away. The both of us watch as the dream-me steps on Celestia’s throat, destroys the Elements, laughs as he kills Twilight and her friends with his scythe... I end it there. We’re back in Ponyville. I’m shuddering. I never want to do that ever again. “Luna... just... leave my dreams alone, okay? If you just want to talk, I’d much rather we do it while I’m awake.”

Luna nods somberly. “Yes, I... suppose that is for the best. I will let you rest now.”

“Thanks.” I go back inside Sugarcube Corner. The sight of Pinkie at the table waiting for me, smiling... I feel better. I’m not going to be that person, I can’t be now that I’ve stopped Chrysalis. I sit down with Pinkie and enjoy the rest of my dream.

Chapter 35

I don’t want to get out of bed. I wish I had one in Ponyville. I should probably get one, but where would I put it? There’s not much room at the library, and I can’t just put it in Twi’s room. Maybe... maybe I could get my own house in Ponyville. That sounds like a nice idea, but where do I get that kind of money?

Eh, I’ll figure it out later. I think back to the other day, when I met Cadence. Princess Cadence. That really is a surprise. She’s hardly like Celestia or Luna, but she’s not a bad mare either. I wonder what her story is. I’d like to meet her again. I walk out into the hall and approach a guard.

“Hey, do you know where I could find Cadence?”

He looks at a clock. “I believe she may still be asleep.”

I fold my arms across my chest. “Humor me, buckethead.”

With a sigh, the guard leads me down a few hallways. After a while, I feel like we must be on the other side of the castle. The guard stops at a door and speaks. “This room belongs to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. If you have any more questions, ask somepony else.”

“Well, fine, see ya later, Mr. Friendly.” He walks off, going back to his post. Mi Amore Cadenza? Yech, no wonder she told me her name was Cadence. I’m about to knock on the door, but I think about the time... if she’s asleep, I wouldn’t want to be rude. I give the door a gentle tap. No response. I try a little harder, this time I get a reply from the other side. “Who is it?”

I grin “Doris.”

She’s obviously confused. “Doris? Doris who?”

I have to laugh. “Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking.” I hear her laughing and she opens the door. “Anthony! Heh, that was funny!”

“And people say knock knock jokes are dead. Anyway, I didn’t have anything better to do, so I figured I’d come see you.”

“Awww, thanks! Here, come in.” She opens the door wider to let me in. Her room is actually rather small, the main difference from mine is the double bed and a private bathroom.

“Not a big fan of being a princess, I take it?”

“Oh, I’m fine being a princess, I just... I’m not as concerned with formalities and such.”

“I can tell, Mi Amore Cadenza.”

“Ugh, please don’t tell me you’re going to be calling me that?”

“Only if I want to annoy you.”

"Thanks, I think. So, anyway, what are you? I mean I know you’re a human, but where’d you come from?”

I wrap my arm around Cadence and give her a smile. “Well, you see Cadence, my mommy and daddy liked each other very much, and-”

She giggles. “Not like that. I mean, what exactly is a human?”

“Well, in all honesty, it depends on who you ask. There are lots of theories.”

“Oh really? Like what?”

“Well, some people believe humans were created in the image of a higher being or by magic. Some say we evolved from apes. Then there are those that think we’re the result of a monkey and a pig doing the Horizontal Tango.”

“Horizontal... oh. Oh.” A blush spreads across her face. I take it she’s never heard that euphemism before. She continues. “And which one do you believe?”

“I honestly don’t care. I’m here and that’s all that matters. Though the idea of a pig screwing a monkey is hilarious.”

“Heh, you really are quite something, Anthony.”

“Aw, thanks!” I give her a hug. Wow these ponies are soft. And her wings are very fluffy. Then the door opens.

“Good morning Cad- What!?” Suddenly I’m being tackled to the floor. “Cadence, run, I’ll take care of the monster!” I see my attacker is a white unicorn stallion, I can also see that he’s really angry.

“But, Shining-”

“I’ll handle this, go!”

“Shining Armor, you get off of him this instant!”

He backs off of me, staring at his hooves. “Yes, dear.”

Cadence sighs. “Well, that wasn’t quite how I wanted the introduction to go, but I guess it’ll have to do.” She uses her magic to pull me to my feet. “Shining, this is Anthony. I met him two days ago. He’s very nice.” The stallion shoots her a sheepish, apologetic look. “Anthony, this is my husband, Shining Armor.”

“You certainly know how to make an entrance, Mr. Armor. Not to mention an impact.”

“Heh, I’m sorry, I just. I thought you were attacking her...”

“No way, she’s actually nice to me.” I walk a bit closer to Shining. “And for your safety, I’d suggest you don’t do that again.”

“My safety? I’m captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard! I’m the best of the best.”

“Oh yeah? Ask Celestia. Unless I’m mistaken, I’ve held the record for best performance on your little training regiment since four months ago.”

This got a surprised “What!?” from both of them.

“Yeah, your little entrance exam was pretty lame.”

“You think so, huh? How about a little friendly competition?”

“Sure. Out by the gardens behind the castle.” I turn to Cadence. “What do you think? Sound good?”

“As long as neither of you get hurt badly, I suppose you can settle your little testosterone competition.”

Shining Armor and I are now staring at each other from across the field. Cadence has a whistle, and she’ll decide when the match starts and stops.

“You know, you can still back out, Anthony. I’m not going to go easy on you.”

“Now? Heck no, I’m not gonna run from a challenge.”

“I warned you.”

The whistle blows and I Spark up, giving Shining and Cadence quite a surprise.

“Bring it on, four-legs. Let’s see what ya got.”

Shining charges at me, and I do the same. At first, all we’re doing is butting heads. I don’t have as much forward push, but I’m more resourceful. I use my right hand to push on Shining’s side, making him fall over. Arms are so useful. Speaking of...

I rush at my opponent, and attempt a punch, but he’s put up a pink, magically summoned barrier. I keep punching it, but I can’t break it. Shining smirks. “That the best you have?”

“Not even close.” I speed up, throwing a flurry of punches, impacting the barrier. I can see Shining begin to sweat. Eventually I break the barrier, and Shining backs up. “Woah, you’re good!”

“You haven’t seen anything yet!” Igniting, I surround my arms in flames. It’s mainly to impress him though, I’m not going to burn him. This is just a friendly competition after all. Nevertheless, Armor puts up another bubble shield, this time around me.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Shining smirks as I try and punch the shield. Wait... The shield is solid! I turn off my flames and just stare at Shining. “You think you’ve beat me?”

“Try and get out, if you think you can still win.”

I grin and go intangible, and simply walk out of the pink bubble, making Shining Armor gasp. He tries an offensive spell, but it’s not fast enough and I cancel it before it hits me. Now he’s really freaked out. I rush up to him. He tries another shield around himself, but I just walk through it like before, push Shining onto his side, and sit down on top of him. He can’t get the leverage to throw me off, and he’s accepted that magic doesn’t work. With a frustrated sigh, he taps the ground twice with his hoof and Cadence blows the whistle. I get off Armor and help him up before Powering down.

Cadence walks over. “Wow, you certainly are something else, Anthony.” I shrug. “Eh, they’re just powers. If I couldn’t use them and Shining Armor didn’t have magic, I’m not sure I’d still win.” I turn to Shining and hold out my hand. “That was fun. You were pretty good.” He shakes my hand and nods his thanks.

“You are good at magic though. kinda reminds me of Twilight...”

“Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yeah, you know her?” The couple shares a laugh.

“She’s my little sister, and Cadence is her old foalsitter. How’d you meet her?”

“She was the first pony I met when I came to Equestria.”

I decide to recount my adventures, and after a while, Shining is called to... do something. So Cadence and I just sit and talk like before at the cafe. After telling my stories to so many ponies, I sort of want to tell them about my experience with the Changelings... but I’d rather only have to tell it once, so I guess I’ll wait until I have a chance to get everyone together to tell it. I’m just glad I’m not going to run into Queen Chrysalis again.

Chapter 36

As we’re talking, I start to get hungry. “Hey, I’m gonna go inside to get something to eat; wanna come with?”

“No, I have a better idea. Let’s stay out here.” She calls over a guard and requests that he bring food and a blanket. After he comes back, we set up the blanket and eat.

“Picnics on command. Neat. Wish I had a power that let me do that.”

“I admit, there are some advantages to being a princess.” She takes a bite of her sandwich. “So you live with Twilight in her library? Do you like to read?”

“Yeah, better than doing nothing. I uh, bought a book yesterday. It’s actually rather similar to a book from my world, here.” I hand her Travels in Wunderland and she takes the book. “The version in my world is an incredible work of fiction.”

“F- fiction?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, look at some of this stuff. It’s nonsense. Entertaining, but-”

“Nonsense? This is all real! Jabberwocks, Cheshire Cats, Jub-Jub birds, all of them! They are real, dangerous creatures. Well, maybe not the Cheshire Cats, if they’re kept content, but still...”

“Oh, come on. I know this place is all magical and stuff, but there’s no way Wonderland is real.”

Cadence looked at me. “I’ve been there, once.”

I am speechless. Wonderland exists. “I... I’m not sure if I should be excited... or scared. Some of these creatures are outright horrors!” I pause. “Do you... do you think we could go? Just to see it? Not now but, later?”

Cadence fluttered her wings, a concerned look gracing her features. “Well... I can ask aunty ‘Tia, but it’ll have to be a month at the earliest. There’s a lot of preparation to go through if you want to go for anything more than a peek.” She scrunched her face in concentration, trying to remember some of the things off the top of her head. “Soap and string, copper bells and brass teakettles... and a full set of Vorpal Blades for the entire group. And, of course, the three-day training in using those blades.”

“And don’t eat any suspicious mushrooms.”

“Don’t eat anything you didn’t bring with you, personally. They may not be malicious, but those Cheshire Cats are a touch mischievous.”

“Yeah, if what I remember from it is accurate, we’d be in for quite an adventure. Though I wonder if going there would have any effect on my powers? Does the environment affect unicorn magic?”

“Not really, but there are some places where enough of the natural magic of the land has seeped into it, and formed Geas Groves, Literal Life Paths, and other dangers. Most of the names of things there are based on things they resemble from here, but Blueish was a genius researcher. We’ll be bringing the Bestiary he compiled, no matter what. You should read it, Twilight would have a copy.” Cadence grinned a little wider. “It was a gift for her when she was twelve. She spent a week falling asleep in the book while reading it. It’s one of the few that really challenged her.”

“Well, I’m not a book, but I certainly challenge her sanity. According to her that is. She’s nice, but... She’s a little emotional sometimes.”

“She’ll probably insist on coming along. I believe the delightful Ms. Pie has relatives there, so she might want to join us, too.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past Pinkie to have some family roots in Wonderland. Actually, that might explain a bit...”

“From what I hear, it’s where her grandmother on her mother’s side hails from, though I heard she’s not an earth pony.” She gently raises a small, capped thermos, and poured herself some tea. “A rather rare break from the traditions around Stony Hollow.”

“So, if we leave in a month, and we stay there for, say another month, and return, there should be... two years before we release Discord. Yeah, sounds good to me.”

“Assuming the stay lasts a month here, of course.”

“So, what is there to do around Canterlot for those without money or look like a pony?”

“Usually?” Cadence shrugged. “Finish catching their connecting train ride to somewhere else.”

“Joy. Oh well, at least I can go home tomorrow. I think Twi will have cooled off by then.”

“Don’t you have money?” Cadence asked, looking genuinely concerned. “How do you get food?”

“I... ask for it. You know, I don’t really eat much. It’s weird but... I don’t get that hungry. Dunno why. For all I know, it has something to do with this.” I spark up, allowing her a better look at my Star Form.

“Oooh, wow! That’s so neat... can I... Can I touch you?” Cadence was a bright-eyed as a child, a wide, open expression on her face as she leaned towards me.

“Only if I let you, I can turn intangible, that’s how I can do the ‘walk-out-of-the-bubble’ trick. But yeah, go ahead.”

A gentle as a feather, she poked me in the chest with the ‘knuckle’ of her wing, then began poking at my chest with her hoof. A tiny spark jumped to her through the silk of my shirt. She giggled, sounding giddy as a foal. “It tickles! I didn’t know you could make electricity.”

“I... I didn’t either. There’s a ton about this power I know nothing about. Anyway, I’m willing to bet my shirt doesn’t change as much as my skin does.”

Cadence giggled and coyly hid her face. “Why, Anthony, I didn’t know you felt that way!”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” I pause, then grin. “But you aren’t complaining, are you?”

Her grin grew only wider. “Of course not. I am the Alicorn of Love, after all.”

“Just for clarification, I am only joking around, I have no intention of having a romantic relationship with any pony whatsoever. I’m a human, so I’m gonna stick with them... even though now I may have even worse luck with that.”

She laughed. “Don’t worry yourself, I can tell just fine. But I think you and Ms. Pie would get along well.” her voice dropped and an impish grin formed on her face. “Very well, I think.”

My eyes must be absolutely huge, heck, I’m so shocked I powered down just from the comment. “Subject change! Um... Uh... Drat, I got nothing.”

“Muahahaha! I have another tally for my awkward-list.” Cadence’s diabolical laugh is surprisingly scary, most likely because of how poofy-pretty-princess-like she appears.

“Yeah, sure. Check this out!” I Spark up; take off my shirt and show her the white pulsing energy-core that replaces my heart.

“oooOOOooo...” She reaches out once more puts a gentle hoof on my chest, ignoring the thin arcs of electricity jumping to her. “It’s so warm...” As she whispers that, I can feel the warmth of the center of her hoof, past the hard part. It’s firm, but rather soft. It also feels vaguely like it’s forming a suction-cup effect.

“Heart of gold, nothin’ baby, I got a heart of nuclear fission!”

“Of what now?”

“It’s science stuff, Twilight might find that a bit more entertaining... if she thought any of my jokes were.”

“I’ve never heard of it before. What’s ‘nookey-lar fishing’?”

“Hahahahahaha... oooooh, man if you weren’t serious that would have been even funnier.” I calm down from my laughing fit. “Nuclear fission is, well... think of it like... er... well, you know how a star radiates light? Well, that light comes from the energy it produces. And that’s what makes it so bright. A star may seem small, but it’s got a huge amount of power to it. Eventually though, the energy burns out, which is why stars die.”

Cadence’s eyes are forming tears. “But you’ll be alright, right? Your star isn’t going to ‘burn out’ soon. Is it?” Suddenly, Cadence seemed to be struck with an idea. “Wait, I should bring you to aunty Luna! She’ll know!”

“I already talked with Luna. Sadly, yes, I will die. My time on this mortal plane is wearing out as we speak. I fear that I will eventually fall into the grasp of death and pass on. Oh, if only I had longer than a couple thousand more years!” I say with as much sarcasm and sappiness I can form in my voice.

“That is so sad!” Cadence suddenly buried me in a hug, sounding absolutely serious. “I don’t wanna have to bury you one day!”

“I- what? Cadence, ponies don’t live forever, do they? I could probably outlive any of you! Seriously, thousands of years!”

Cadence pulled back for a moment, her eyes a touch watery. “W-well, I guess you haven’t been told that Alicorns live until they’re killed. Or, y’know, they gather enough power to ascend to another plane. Or maybe they just disappear, we’ve never had a good answer on the exact results. But Alicorns just get bigger as they gain power, not older.”

“Huh, well, that explains a lot about Celestia and Luna, I suppose. But really. If I didn’t have this star power, I’d have, like, fifty more years, tops. This is a gift!”

She looked at me again. “Yeah, but if you’re only here for a little while then... well, maybe then you not being around will stop...” Her eyes went watery again, and she suddenly couldn’t meet my gaze anymore.

I hold her to calm her down. “Cadence, humans aren’t even meant to live this long. I’m not sure if I want to have those nine-hundred-thousand years. I accepted that I was going to die when I found out I could die. I think I was, like, five or something. Seriously. I don’t mind, why do you need to be sad for me?”

“I- well, Alicorns have perfect memory for any face they’ve ever seen. I only remember...” she sniffled again. “I only remember my parent’s faces. I don’t remember their names.”

“Well, then you can rest assured that if you had to remember any face for all eternity, you get to have mine, aren’t you lucky?” I wink, powering down again.

Her smile returned, like the sun sneaking out from behind the cover of a cloudy day. “Well, I suppose your big, monkey-pig face is too memorable to anypony.” She hugged me again, the feeling of downy feathers on my skin reminding me that my shirt was still off.

On the other hand, this was really soft.

Stupid dilemmas. They never play fair. It was also nice and warm, and I was still kinda tired...

Chapter 37

Sunlight speared my eyeballs, which was totally unfair, because my eyelids should have been in the way. Oh, wait, it’s just noon. I get up and decide I should probably put my shirt back on. Then I notice Cadence isn’t around. Where’d she wander off to?

Off to the side, I noticed her laying on the grass, a book in her magical grip. By her side was Shining Armor, under one of her wings as he also read the book.

“So, do we get someone else over here, or keep it a menage à trois?”

Shining’s face turned a brilliant shade of red rivaled only by crayons and firetrucks, while Cadence seemed utterly nonplussed. “Non, ce n'est pas un problème. Je ne savais pas que vous saviez prançais?”

“Hey, I know all kinds of things. I think we broke Shining though. I fear his brain froze, assuming I was referring to the slang term.”

“Oh? Oh, yes, I suppose that would be what he thinks of first. Aussi, savez-vous plus prançais, ou juste un peu?”

“Uh... I got, like, half of that. Sorry, I’m not entirely fluent. Uh... a little less, I suppose?”

Cadence giggled at my lack of comprehension. “Close enough, I’ll stop teasing you for now. Also, if you’d like some money to spend, I could give you fifty bits to use. Consider it a gift, from me.”

“I’ll take it, thanks. I don’t understand why all the stuff needs to be so expensive around here. Oh well, that’s the ‘fancy’ life I suppose. If it doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket, it’s not worth having.”

Cadence shrugged. “It’s considered rude not to reciprocate the value of gifts given in unicorn culture. To give a lesser gift is to show you’re of a lesser station. It’s something that was hammered into my head for a long time. Oh, Anthony, if you’d like to apologize to Twilight, I believe that she doesn’t own the most recent version of Lookinglass Gates.”

“Thanks, that might work. She certainly likes books. What do you think her reaction was when she learned she’d get to live in a library? I bet she looked like this.” I give the dumbest, most mind-draining stupid happy face I could imagine.

Cadence snickered. “Now now, don’t make fun of ponies when they aren’t around to defend themselves. It’s no fun and no fair.”

“I think I see why Shining likes you so much. Or he’s just very lucky. Anyway, I’m going to return to the mall. My kingdom needs me.”

She nodded sagely. “Well, good afternoon, then. And may the Force be with you, always.”

I walk off laughing, ah star wars jokes, they never get... Star Wars exists here! Oh dear god, I need to see this! But for now, I shall return to Castle Blockfort, lest I return to find it raided by a band of rogue Transformares. The pun still made me retch a little, but it was better than some.

Once in the mall, I return to the bookstore and pick up a copy of Lookinglass Gates. The old stallion behind the counter seemed happy I’d returned for another book, and I got it for only four bits. Once I made my purchase, I decided I’d at least give the new book a quick read. Remembering what Cadence said, about all this being real... I never was so scared of Wonderland before in my entire life. And the urge to go there had never been stronger either. I wonder what this Blueish guy might have missed. Whatever I saw there when I went, I was sure it would make for a neat story to tell everyone when I returned. Deciding I’d read enough of the gargantuan tome, I got up and returned to the toy section.

The noble King knelt in the blasted ruins of his once glorious castle. The casualties of the fight had been numerous, many of his woolen soldier’s missing entirely, likely dragged away by the savages who destroyed the entire royal palace. None of the Mother and Kitten sets were left, the monsters. A lone sword, forged of the finest wood, was all that lay on the remnants of his mighty throne.

As he wept, he cried out in frustration. He swore out his revenge to the heavens above, “You bastards will regret not taking the Furbies, this I swear!!” The fact that Equestria didn’t have Furbies notwithstanding.

He stood, his royal countenance streaked with tears of rage, and looked upon the cruelly sundered bricks of his once-great home. A lone soldier, cloth face miraculously unscarred from the previous stampede of barbarians, was still laying on the ground by the main gate.

“M- my king...” she sputtered out, and the King went to her side. “There were too many of them, and it was a twenty-percent-off sale. We never... never stood a chance. I’m so sorry... my... k-” her voice trailed off into a death rattle.

Once more, the king cried his fury to the heavens, only stopping when a great titan, clad in cerulean cloth, appeared. “Sir, you need to quiet down, please, you’re scaring the customers.”

Unable to fight the titan in his current state, the king could only nod numbly. He’d get his revenge. Someday. Not today, but someday...

But for now, I’ll just find some stuff to buy. I’m in a toy store with a sack full of money, the end result should be obvious. I go down the aisles and look for various sundries that pique my interest. Technically that covers everything in sight, but I have to limit myself to my budget. My purchase will include the faithful soldier, though. She will be avenged...

I decide to get a squirt gun, some ‘Earth Magic Stones’ that are just natural magnets, a build-your-own mini trebuchet kit, a home Arcane Circuitry set, and a slingshot. Obviously I purchased the slingshot in the only appropriate way one should; by holding it over my head with both hands after paying for it. The odd look I got from the cashier was rather entertaining as well.

Anyway, after my purchases, I have six bits left. I’m probably going to have to ask Celestia for help getting back to Ponyville. My thoughts turn to when I was with Cadence, how I generated those sparks when she touched me. I Spark up and try to replicate it. I hold up my hand and concentrate, and watch as tiny arcs of electricity leap between my fingers. I try the other hand and it’s the same. Thinking about my fire powers, I try something similar. I look at my reflection in a shop window, and I see myself covered in wild zigzagging lines of yellow-white energy. I can control electricity! But... I want to do more. I want to be electricity...

I feel a current surge up my spine as my body is surrounded by the crackling arcs, my Spark form has changed color to a more yellowish tone, but I’m definitely still blue. My body is generating electricity like a dynamo! Not only that, but I feel... lighter.

After testing out my new power, I discover that my ability to increase my speed was really just a minor manifestation of my Dynamo form, and now that I fully realized it, I could move even faster! I no longer had to fight the wind, I could hit my peak at will, and though I can’t fly, I feel I don’t need to. Unfortunately, using this new form tires me out much faster. I’ll need to get more practice; learn how to control this better, but I’ll save that for when I show Twilight, she’ll definitely want to see this!

Chapter 38

At my request, Celestia teleported me to the Ponyville train station. I’m about to head for the library when I stop. I should at least look like I know what I’m doing with my powers before I show Twilight. I don’t want to make a mistake and have to fix it. I decide that the safest place to test my Dynamo form would be inside the Everfree forest. No ponies or buildings around to get possibly damaged.

Once I’m in the forest, I decide to run another test. I successfully shift straight into my Heat form, then swap immediately into my Dynamo form. I’ll have to write this down as well. I can go directly into an elemental form without having to Spark up first, and I can access any form I want whenever I want. Cool.

I return to my Dynamo form and begin emitting electricity from my hands. Aside from my usual glow, I don’t generate any light with the electricity, though the sparks do show up in darkness. Switching to my Heat form however, does generate light due to the fire. I move to another test with my Dynamo form. I punch a tree and sparks leap to it, but doesn’t damage the tree at all aside from the impact of my fist. Now to test liquid conductivity. I find a small pool and dip my hand into it. Once I see a bunch of dead, electrocuted fish float to the water’s surface, I decide that, yes, water conducts my electricity as normal. I wade out into the water to collect the dead fish.

Taking them to the shore, I hold one and roast them with fire. I’d probably skin them first, but I didn’t have a knife or any coal to make an knife out of. This is also aside from the fact that I don’t even know how to skin a fish or debone it. After charring three fish of my ten, I finally figure out the appropriate temperature and cooking time required to consider my catches edible. Aside from having to chew through scales, I was glad for the cooked meat. I continue my meal until I’m out of fish. Oh delicious meat how I missed you so!

I continue my training, testing the various properties of the electricity I generate. I use the magnets I bought to determine that nearby magnetic fields draw the electricity from my body. Not sapping the power, the electricity is merely attracted to the magnet, jumping to it in arcs. I wish I could get a sheet of metal to test the conductive properties of other materials, but that will have to wait. No way I’m finding one of those around here.

The next thing I decide to test is my speed. It seems that I can make any sort of movement as fast as I want, though since my body has to actually move that fast, it wears on my muscles. Luckily, I can choose how much of a speed increase I get, so I don’t wear out my body just by being in Dynamo form.

Overall, this day has been very educational, but what I really need is a living test subject, something that will react physically, so I can compare my movements and actions to it. Plus, I wanna see what happens when I mash an electrified fist into something’s face at roughly the speed of light. I decide that my next task should be to find one of those dangerous creatures native to the Everfree forest. I walk deep into the forest, not finding much, though I did come across some insectoid creature that looked like a winged purple ball with eyes. It just sniffed me and then flew off. That thing was ugly as sin. Other than that though, there’s absolutely nothing at all. Dangerous place my ass, my socks are scarier than this place.

“Come on, is there anything around here!?”

As if in response, I see a bush rustle. I leap over and push the foliage away. It’s a Changeling! I grab it by the throat and shove it’s body against a tree, holding it in place with my arm. I’m going to fry this sonofabi-

“Please, don’t hurt me!”

Against my better judgement I take my arm away and the Changeling drops to the ground where it shakily stands up.

“Why shouldn’t I? As soon as I turn my back, you’re going to blast me or bite me. All you sick creatures want now is revenge for me killing Chrysalis, right?”

“N- No! That’s not it at all!” The Changeling’s voice is strange. Like a sort of buzzing hiss behind the words. “Please, if you’re really the one who killed Chrysalis, you have our thanks, sincerely!”

“And why, pray tell, is that?”

“She was using us as slaves! She cast some sort of obedience spell on us, we couldn’t argue or do anything at all but exactly what we were told! You saved us!”

“Why would she do that? She’s a Changeling too.” I’m a bit skeptical, this doesn’t make a lot of sense.

“Just because you’re the same species doesn’t mean you’re all friends with eachother.”

“Okay, you got me there. I probably understand that better than most of the ponies around here.”

“Okay, as long as you understand. Anyway, Chrysalis controlled us, using us as servants and pawns. Whenever she had plans that involved us, we were like disposable trash. There were so many of us and we could repopulate so quickly it didn’t matter to her.”

“So when I killed Chrysalis and no Changelings attacked...”

“We were so shocked that we had regained our free will that we never got the chance to thank you! You saved our minds, our lives, and those of our children!”

The Changeling bowed down at my feet, the sight triggering the vision in my head. “Get up! Get up now!” I’m not going to let even part of that dream come true, it’s the only way to truly prevent it completely. The Changeling rises to it’s hooves.

“I- I thank you, but the rest of us would like to thank you as well. I... trust you know where the hive is?”

“I’m not going back there. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just... Okay; fine, I don’t trust you.”

“I assure you that none of us wish you harm or inconvenience, but I understand your hesitance.”

I think for a moment. They don’t seem to be lying, but that can be either a sign of honesty, or a good liar.

“I’m not going anywhere with you under any circumstances. I might show up at the hive, but it will be of my own volition, completely unannounced, and at whatever time or date I wish. I am however, going to let you leave unharmed against my better judgement. Also, if I discover any, and I mean any Changelings in Ponyville, I will burn your hive to the ground and kill you all, driving you all to extinction. Am I clear?”

The Changeling nods hurriedly and dashes off into the bushes and, I suppose, back to the hive. That was certainly unexpected. I’ll have to think about what I’m going to do. I will be returning to the hive, but when? I suppose I can ask Twilight. It should be safe to tell her and her friends about this without telling them about my other encounters with the Changelings.

I head back to Ponyville, deciding to tell Twilight once I’m done demonstrating my Dynamo form. I hope she can supply me with some other materials to test with. I’ll also have to set up that Arcane Circuitry kit, I’m just dying to know how they developed electricity and how it works.

Chapter 39

I figure I should at least stop by Fluttershy’s cottage since I’m nearby. I really should spend more time with these ponies if they’re supposed to be my friends. I walk up to her door and knock.

Fluttershy opens her door slowly, but then seems to be a bit... relieved when she sees it’s me. This pegasus is such an introvert it’s kinda weird. Anyway, I figure we could just sit and talk while I get a chance to rest.

She offers to make some food, but I’m not that hungry since I just ate.

“Don’t let me stop you though, if you’re hungry, go make something. I’m not in any rush.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

After a few minutes, she returns with a plate of salad with some fish, the scent of lemon and herbs greeting my nose warmly. Fish!?

“Uh... ‘Shy? What’s with the fish?”

“Oh, I like to have some shredded salmon on my salads. I- I’m sorry if that bothers you. I don’t know what humans eat.”

“Oh no, it’s perfectly fine, I just... I didn’t expect ponies to eat meat, I mean... you guys are mainly herbivores, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes. Well, sort of... W- what I mean is that ponies are technically omnivores, but only pegasi really eat fish. Unicorns usually call it ‘uncouth’, but it’s why they’re usually so skinny. Earth ponies sometimes eat fish, and sometimes even b- b- bacon.” ‘Shy’s squeaking stutters trailed off at that, looking a bit grossed out. “It’s all nature, though, but piggies are just so cute...”

“Well, yeah, pigs are cute, but have you had bacon? It’s delicious!”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t want to eat anything with hooves or paws or little toesies... but rattlesnake is pretty good.” Her last statement sounded almost like a question, as if asking me for permission to like snake meat.

“Snakes? Snakes nothing, ever had alligator before?”

“Alligators have toes.” she countered.

“Alright, fine. I guess we can agree to disagree. Guess I can’t walk into a restaurant and order a steak then.”

“Well, maybe in a gryphon restaurant, but there aren’t any in Ponyville or Canterlot. The nearest one is in Dodge Junction. Dash tried to take me there once, but there were so many eyes...” Her voice trailed off into a squeak, and she was now huddled under her pink mane like it was a safety blanket. I can easily tell why both Dash and Pinkie said ‘no pranking Fluttershy’.

I decide to calm her down. “It’s alright Fluttershy, I don’t mind if you eat cows or not. No need to be scared.”

“I- I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of crowds.” She leaned towards me.

“Well, there’s nobody here but me, so you don’t need to worry about anything.” I pick up Fluttershy and give her a hug. She must be the softest, fluffiest pony thus far! I pet her gently to calm her down. “I’m the only one here. It’s just you, me, and the floorboards.”

Fluttershy smiled and nuzzled my shoulder for a moment, before turning back towards her food. “Uh, if it’s alright with you, could I finish my lunch?”

“Of course.” I set her down in front of her plate.

A sudden, frightening crash resounds through the cottage, coming from the direction of Ponyville. As if by teleportation, Fluttershy is back in my arms, clamped to my chest like a super magnet to a brick of steel. Only, I’m not as tough as steel, and I could feel my lungs being crushed.

I say something along the lines of ‘don’t worry, Flutters, I’ll see what it is, you’re safe’ and stand up. Walking to the door, I open the top half of the inexplicable dutch door design, and look towards the town. A plume of smoke- no, several plumes of smoke are rising, and I can faintly hear screaming.

I prepare to exit the cottage, and only stop when I hear a squeak, and look down to see that Fluttershy’s deathgrip hasn’t let up, but her wings are doing everything in their power to push her (and by extension, me) away from the door. Her huge, watery cyan eyes stare up at me.

“Stay here ‘Shy. I’m going to find out what’s going on. Don’t worry, this should be quick.”

Fluttershy nods at me, reluctantly letting go and sliding to the floor. “I- I’ll j-just go hide under Harry. He’s the bear.”

“Well, that should be perfectly- bear!? Jeez ‘Shy, what don’t you have? Nevermind, I’ll be right back.” I begin running towards town thinking the words ‘I hope’ to myself.

As I run towards the town, skipping over the rough patches of foliage between segments of the twisty road, I can hear the shouts and screaming intensifying. This isn’t the semi-panicked, almost rehearsed ‘oh no, there’s something new in town!’ screams, but the throaty, full-body screaming of someone terrified for their life... or the lives of their loved ones.

I’ve only heard screams like that in movies, but this hit me somewhere primal, well behind my conscious thoughts.

.

Without thinking, I’d shifted to my Dynamo form, leaping farther and faster than normal. Sparks and arcs of electricity jumped in thin streams from me to the ground, as if to push me a little higher and farther. As I came in sight of the town, I was unprepared by what I saw.

Ponyville was burning.

Chapter 40

This was bad. Very bad. I don’t even know the cause of this, and I can’t just put out fires at will... I look for some indication of where the fire started.

A crackling, creaking noise, like a thick piece of wood being bent, caught my attention, and I turned in time to see and dodge a falling beam from a house.

A pony, one I didn’t recognize instantly, was laying just inside the now-open house, apparently unconscious. A small pool of blood lay under their head, a stone or metal knickknack nearby, likely having fallen off of the shelf that was pinning them to the ground.

“Shit!” I switch to my Heat Form, but not actually producing any flames. I take advantage of my heat resistance to get inside and grab the pony. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have a safe place to put them... other than the street, which was only marginally safer.

As I picked up the pony, they opened their eyes partially, and croaked out a “thanks”, before passing out again. I felt a little better inside, and took them outside. At least the street was better than nothing. I want to stop the bleeding. I attempt to tear off part of my shirt to make a crude bandage, but apparently, Rarity definitely knew who she was making this shirt for. Damnit.

I could use my heat power to try to cauterize the wound, but I’m afraid of burning them. I never got a chance to practice this... Oh well, I have to do something. I project a small but very hot flame from my fingertip and put it close to the pony’s wound, and pray I’m doing it right.

A quick swipe of my finger, and the flesh is now furless, rather blackened, but no longer bleeding. My job done, I rush off further into the town, looking for what could have caused this. An idea flashed in my mind.

I could create a backfire, and force the two to burn each other out... but then there’d be nothing left of Ponyville, and potentially it’s inhabitants.

A roar, monstrous and bellowing, reverberated through the town, and I could feel it more than I could hear it. Looking for the source, I watched as a... a something bursts through a brick-and-stone wall of a house, sending the building materials scattering. The creature turns towards me, and I see a perfectly human face and torso atop a body of nightmares. The person’s head is bald, and their smile is manic, and the demonic-looking body is darkened and covered in red, furiously hot cracks, dribbles of magma or blood falling to the ground from them.

A pony stumbles out of the house that had been broken open, and the monster looks at it. For a moment, I hope that it was all a misunderstanding, and it’s a human who got powers too and is just confused... and then it grabs the pony and bites off their forelegs.

A huge maw opened up in the thing’s chest, lined with red-hot teeth, and it just tore the pony’s limbs off, apparently swallowing them or something. The pony was thrown aside like a broken toy, screaming in agony and terror.

I decide I’ve had enough, and approach him, yelling. My body is now surrounded by scorching flames. “You have two seconds to tell me what you’re doing here!!”

In a voice a genteel as a polished dagger, the human face speaks. “I am seeking my ascension. Why? Do you think you can stop me?” In spite of the odd civility of the tone, the voice is a dozen decibels above shouting.

“What I think doesn’t matter, you bastard. I will stop you!” I raise my fists, still swirling with fire. I wait for his move. I’m not going to rush in and get my ass kicked.

“Ha! I shall find the fount of Kindness and despoil it. And no mere candle flame will stand in my way.” The gargantuan creature reared up, its gorilla-like posture explained by its proportions. The huge, wide chest supported by a pair of massive arms, each ending in hands half as wide as I am tall. A pair of rather normal human legs, coated in blackened, stone-like flesh dangled pathetically behind him. A whip-like tail, barbed and studded with spikes coiled angrily around him.

The chest-mouth opened again, and another fearsome roar sounded, the deep bass rumble shaking the loose stones and bricks on the street.

With that, the creature charged, fists swinging and mouths open in terrible grins. One vertical, one horizontal.

“Candle flame? Candle flame!? Buddy, you’ve asked for it.” I charge forward, going intangible. I hope I can surprise him with it and get a few quick hits in.

He slams through me, and I feel something like a wave of hot air try to push against my intangible form. The roar and shout of surprise tells me that he at least didn’t expect it, but I don’t hear or see him wheeling around to attack again. Instead, the thudding of his passage reveals he’s continuing onwards.

I don’t waste my time. I swap to my Dynamo form, and rush at him as fast as I can, and slam an electrified fist as hard as I can right to his human head. I smash through the crest of blackened bone protecting his back, the material brittle and easily destroyed, but my fist’s landing hits bone and flesh with no result. The monster doesn’t even flinch, and I feel my leg become impaled, the sharp pain coming seemingly from nowhere. Whatever it was, it drags me from the creature’s back, ripping out of my leg as it throws me.

This time, I get a good look at what grabbed me; the spined, barbed tail of the demon creature is, it would seem, fully prehensile.

The creature, still lumbering in the direction I’d came from, stops only for a moment to smash a huge fist through the side of a house and grab another pony from the second floor. For just a moment, I catch a glimpse of a lemon-yellow coat before I hear the grisly ‘crunch’ of internal damage, the pony shrieking in agony. Speeding forward, I’m able to catch the pony as she’s thrown by the monster over his shoulder, a series of spikes erupting from him back.

As the beast laughs, I gently lay the injured pony on the ground, where she bleeds quietly from the corner of her mouth. Looking up at me, she smiles slightly, before clutching her ribs with a pained expression.

I’ve never even heard of anyone acting this callously towards anything. This goes beyond mere psychopathy. I have to stop him somehow, before he finds his target. He said he was searching for a ‘fount of kindness’...

A chill settles in my heart, and I swear my core grows a little dim for a moment.

Fluttershy. He’s going after Fluttershy.

“Not on my watch.” Deciding to change my tactic, I power down and increase my size until I’m twenty times his size and rush after him.

Reaching down with my own gargantuan fists, I swat him away from a trio of ponies he was about to slam into paste. Each of them look up at me in awe, but I don’t have time for that. A faint surge or pride fills me, though, and my next attack punts him clear over a bunch of houses and into the clear area of the town square. Abandoned market stalls are scattered around, but the ponies have abandoned the area, meaning I’m not as restricted in my attacks.

The monster, now visibly more angry, rakes my hand with his claws as I try to hit him again, my larger form vastly more sluggish than his. The pain is a bright, searing thing, but the heat at least cauterized my wounds, so they aren’t bleeding.

I return to my normal size, and return to my Dynamo form, and I charge as much electricity through my body as I can, trying to electrocute him.

He charges again, this time with his chest-mouth wide open. Inside I can see what looks like a forty-foot tunnel lined with red-hot teeth. It’s possible that my intangibility won’t work if I get sucked into that, but it just means I need to be a little more creative.

Just before he hits me, I fall backwards, pushing myself down to speed it up. It’ll hurt, but means his relatively un-armored belly will pass right over. And when it does, I slam my hands up, palms out, release all the electricity I’d been storing. Constantly running it back and forth to up both its voltage and amperage, it ought to be able to at least stun an angry moose. And I‘m far more terrified of an angry moose than I am of this guy.

The electrical jolt seems to lift him off the ground, and he falls into a limp pile of limbs in the mess of a bunch of wrecked carts. The body twitches once, but then stills, jittering slightly from the residual static.

I’m not going to take any chances, so I decide my next course of action would be to finish him off. I walk up to him, my plan forming in my mind. I’m going to go intangible, reach my hand through his head, and send ten-thousand volts straight to his fucked-up brain.

I stand next to his head, and reach for his face, tiny arcs of electricity already jumping from my hand. Before I can do it, though, a literal tongue of flame flicks out from his chest-mouth and grabs me. The burning sensation of liquid fire being poured across my flesh hurt worse than any other injury I’ve ever received. I can feel myself being flung by the fiery tongue, and I slam through another market stall.

I’m barely hanging onto my consciousness as I watch the monster stand up again. He starts laughing, the scratchy, distorted sound making my head hurt. My powers seem faded, no sparks of electricity coming to my call. As he begins lumbering towards me, I hear something.

“Get up!”

It came from somewhere on one of the rooftops.

“Get up! I know you can!”

Looking towards the source of the noise, I see a tiny speck of white, with a little mop of mulberry curls on top. Next to it is a little speck of yellow, with a pink bow, and a dot of orange with a purple mane.

One of the other CMC members called out. “C’mon, man, I believe in you!”

A spark jumps between my fingers. The monster is closing on me, but I see shapes on the clouds above, pegasi staying at a safe distance to watch. They too begin to shout encouragement to me.

Another spark crawls across my skin. More ponies are forming a wide, cautious ring around the town square, and they’re shouting encouragements as well. The demon eyes them moodily as he advances towards me, evidently seeking to squash their hope and me in a single blow.

Then, the crowd goes quiet for a moment, drawing both me and the demon to look around at them. Slowly, they begin chanting.

“An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny!”

And while it may not be my true name, I can feel their belief flooding in like a refreshing drink after hard work.

The demon growls, baring his two sets of teeth at the ponies, but to little effect. He turns his gaze on me.

“Heh, what’s the matter, demon-boy? You don’t have a fan-club? I gotta say, they help. A lot!”

I get to my feet and charge up. I’m not entirely sure what the energy buildup will do, but I hope it’s enough. I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but right now, I need to give this all I got.

I rush forward as fast as possible, and throw a burning, electrified fist dead center between his human eyes. I don’t know how fast I’m going, but it looked like he was frozen until I made contact.

And for a moment, the chanting was dead once more, this time from speed alone. Sparks of flame and lightning were suspended in air, their light coruscating off of them in shapes I could almost see. As my fist connected, I could feel bones break in my hand, but I couldn’t feel the pain yet. The slowly expanding doughnut-shaped wavefront tore outward like a drill expanding in size. Visceral, meaty chunks went everywhere, and time came back to me as I watched his head come apart like a melon with an M80 going off in it.

For a moment, I stood there, perfectly serene.

Then, my Spark flickered out, and so did my consciousness.

Chapter 41

I open my eyes and I’m in a hospital. I check my arms for needles. None, thank goodness. Wait, what’s... Oh boy, should’ve seen this coming. I raise my right arm and I see that the area from my hand to my elbow is in a cast. I manage to sit up, but I ache all over.

“Girls! He’s awake!”

Owww, my head is pounding. “Not so loud...”

“Oops, sorry.”

Pinkie walks over to me as the rest of them walk into the room. They all give their greetings as they file in.

“Hey ladies. Man, that was somethin’.”

“I think that’s our line.” Rainbow Dash said, a smile on her face. “That was the most hardcore thing I’ve ever seen! Well, aside from myself that is.”

I laugh. “Sure, whatever you say. So how’s Ponyville?”

“Well...” Twilight started. “It’s... not on fire anymore.”

“But it’s gonna take a long while and a lotta work ‘fore it’s rebuilt.”

“Dang, if only I could have stopped him sooner. I’m sorry everyone.”

“Sorry? Why would you be sorry? Dear, if it wasn’t for you, that horrid thing would have destroyed everything!”

I suddenly remember a bit of info. “No he wouldn’t. Not before getting to Fluttershy. He told me he was going after her.”

At this, Fluttershy started shivering, curling into a yellow and pink ball.

“But... why?” Twilight asked. “What did he want with Fluttershy? How does he even know her?”

“Well, what he actually said was that he wanted to ‘despoil the fount of kindness’ and something about ascension.”

“Hmmm... well, it definitely sounds like he was talking about Fluttershy, but I don’t understand what he meant by despoil. I can’t think of anything Fluttershy would have that a demon would want. And what could he use to reach a higher power?” Twilight pauses. “Sorry everypony, but I’m going to go look into this.” With that, she left.

“But that thing is gone right?”

“Oh, most certainly. I can’t imagine anything that could live through a display of power like that.”

I grin “Thanks Rarity, like my ego needs to be any bigger.”

“At least we know you’re healthy... well, mentally at least.”

“That is the most incorrect statement I’ve heard in my life.”

Rarity rolls her eyes. “Yes, well, you understand my meaning.”

“Yeah. So after I literally blew his mind, what happened?”

Pinkie spoke up. “Welllllll, you stopped glowing you fell over and when you didn’t move a bunch of ponies brought you here what did you do anyway you didn’t even move!”

“Heh, oh yes I did. I punched him in the face so fast he exploded.” This got a collective gasp from the others. “Heh, speed of light, baby. That’s what they mean when they say ‘faster than you can blink’.”

“I wouldn’t brag too much, partner, the doc said ya broke yer hand. Yer gonna have that there cast for ‘bout a month.”

I look at my heavily bandaged arm. “Well, that could be a problem. Oh well, at least Ponyville is safe for now.”

“Yeah! You’re a hero now! *gasp* I should throw you a hero party!!” Pinkie jumps onto the bed and hugs me, which I reciprocate with my left arm.

“Thanks for everything girls. Hey, Fluttershy, are you okay?”

“I... I am now, thanks to you,

“Aww, come here.” I pat my right side and Fluttershy hovers over to me, and resting next to me. I pull her into a hug with my right arm, being careful about my injury. I hold both ponies close to me as I lay back down. I’m tired.

I pet them both, and though I can only feel Pinkie, Fluttershy seems to appreciate the gesture as well. I’m tired, but happy. Just gonna close my eyes for a minute...

Chapter 42

I wake up and I realize that Fluttershy has left, but Pinkie is still here, and has fallen asleep in my arm. I run my hand through Pinkie’s curly, crazy mane. How does she get her hair to do that all the time, anyway? Aw, she’s snoring... Heh. Life is good. Wait, Ponyville is pretty much ground zero at this point... why can’t my good moods ever last?

Oh well. Still, it’s a calm, comforting thought that the hospital doesn’t seem damaged. And while I can hear some of the ponies in the other rooms, their occasional moans or yelps of pain sneaking through the door, it’s evident they’re being tended to. I can hear the steady clip-clops of the nurses and doctors passing each other in the halls outside the door, and it’s a steady white noise.

I snuggle in closer to Pinkie, wincing slightly at my arm. I was heading to the library earlier to hand off the book to Twilight, and I don’t feel hurt. Well, other than my arm, that is. That should heal on its own in a month or so, though... which means no trip in a month with Cadence. Darn, I was looking forward to that.

I look down at Pinkie, musing again about her mane. Cadence mentioned she had relatives in Wunderland, which is making more sense of her mane, now that I think about it. Cadence also teased me about being ‘very compatible’ with Pinkie. I look at the pink mare’s face as she lays on me, her face framed by cotton-candy hair and the sunlight streaming in from the window, and...

Ooooooh boy. Hello morning awkwardness. Damn, this is certainly awful timing. I just reassure myself repeatedly that, no, it’s not Pinkie, it’s just nature. God this is the worst possible time for this. At least she’s asleep and won’t notice... On the other hand, maybe I should wake her up and make a hasty retreat...

Then a nurse pony comes in, I sort of recognize her as she’s the pony I saw at my initiation party, with the First Aid Cutie Mark. She’s got a yellow coat and blueish hair kept in a hairnet on the back. She looks in at me, my ‘tent’, and Pinkie, resting right next to it. She grins widely. “that’s one way to feel better, but I don’t think it’ll help your hand any, Anthony.”

“This is just really bad timing, I swear. I have absolutely no urge to have any romantic relationship with any ponies whatsoever.” I look down. “As much as current evidence might suggest otherwise.”

She just grins even wider. “Who said anything about romance?”

“Er... Uh...” My face falls. “I’m not gonna win this one, am I?”

“Nope.” Her grin returns to a more normal size as she trots up. “Teasing aside, I’d first like to thank you for saving my little sister yesterday. She’s recovering from that head-bump and the smoke inhalation nicely. Second of all, I need to check on your arm, if that’s alright.”

“Sure, just don’t stick anything in my arm I don’t want.”

She laughed gently, “Don’t worry, any needles for you will be emergency-issue only.” She carefully grabbed my uninjured arm, turning my palm up. Her hoof went over my wrist and I felt the soft inside of her hoof press down to check my pulse. It felt kinda weird.

“Seems alright, compared to our first check of your vitals.” she gnetly laid my hand back on Pinkie, who just snuggled in closer to my side, eliciting a blush. Stupid Cadence. “Now, let me see your other hand.”

Shifting it over, she poked and prodded at the bits of my arm sticking out of the cast, doing something like massaging my upper arm with her eyes closed. After a few moments of doing this, she stopped, and placed a hoof over were my knuckles were buried in the cast. I watched as she simply stood there, rear hooves on the tile floor and one foreleg on the railing of the hospital bed, fourth hoof placed on my cast.

“So, is it hard to do this for a human? I mean, last I checked, I’m the first one around here.”

“Hmm? Oh, I’m just checking the flows of your life-force. If there are any eddies or backwash, it can indicate looming embolisms or worse. as it stands, though, only your brokens bones seem to be off with your arm. While you have much life-force, it’s just more to look at. It still forms the same patterns, just brighter.” She seemed to have acquired a sagely, almost doped look on her face.

“Uh... huh. So, would it be possible for me to leave with just my cast on?”

“Yes, I think that’ll be fine. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids, preferably fruit juices. If you can find some citrus fruits, those will help the most, but they’re hard to get. Other than oranges, of course. Let me go get you a pegasus wing-sling, I think it’ll fit you better than an earth pony one.” the nurse, whose name I still hadn’t gotten yet, sauntered calmly from the room.

I feel the urge to continue petting Pinkie, but I’m not entirely sure if that would help my little problem. At least it’s starting to subside. Cadence is crazy. No way would Pinkie and I end up doing more than being friends. Besides, who’s to say Pinkie would go for it? She seems perfectly fine being just friends, and I like it that way. I relax and wait for the nurse to return with the sling.

After trying to leave the hospital four times as patients kept stopping me to congratulate me and thank me - it was kind of embarrassing - I went to collect my stuff. Thankfully, I had forgotten it at Fluttershy’s, and she had brought it to the hospital for me. I picked it from the head nurse’s office, meeting a white mare with a pink mane and red cutie mark, also a first-aid symbol. She also thanked me profusely.

After leaving the adoration of virtually everypony in the hospital, and finding myself feeling light on my feet, I started towards the library. I found myself hoping the huge tree was alright; it had probably withstood centuries of growing there, and to be taken out from some rampaging asshole...

Either way, though, I continued towards the library, looking sadly at the devastation ponyville suffered. Surprisingly, however, most of what had been damaged was the roofs and... facades? Most of the houses were actually brick and stone under a layer of mortar and decorative wood. I found myself feeling a little better. Some houses had collapsed or been broken by the rampaging demon, or whatever he was, and those were being tended to by teams of earth ponies and pegasi alike. I noted that many of them had apple-related cutie marks.

Looks like AJ called in her extended family to help. And boy, when she listed all those names, she was not blowing steam. Holy crap that’s a lot of Horse Apples... AJ would kill me if she heard me say that...

Many, in fact, were also humming tunes. Or, at least, I first thought it was multiple, but it turned out to be the same tune, and each of them were humming their own part of it. when I stopped for a moment, it also seemed they were stepping and moving in tune to the shared song, though how they were doing it, I have no idea.

I found my steps crunching along the dirt road in step to the catchy tune as well, ponies stopping to wave hello to me. I hadn’t ever gotten so many smiles and friendly faces pointed my way since arriving... or even before then.

Buoyed by good will and a sense of accomplishment filling me, I virtually sped to the Library in time to see the tree get lit by the early-autumn sun. The leaves, a uniform, shimmering gold caused the entire area cleared around it to appear gilded, from the ponies working to move debris and work supplies across the area to the grass underfoot.

The name ‘Golden Oaks’ makes a lot more sense, all of a sudden.

Shaking away the minor awe at the sight, I went in to see Twilight and Spike speaking to a bunch of foals, a blackboard covered in chalk scribbles detailing fire safety in case of another large fire.

Smart pony this one, as always. I decide to interrupt. “I suppose I count too, don’t I?”

I enter my heat form and snap my fingers repeatedly, each snap making my fingers catch on fire and then extinguish like a lighter.

“No, you don’t.” Spike said. “We were talking about natural disasters. Not walking disasters waiting to happen.”

“Nice to see you too, dude.” I extinguish my fingers completely and stop my display. “Hey Twilight, you’re gonna cover electrical fires and incendiary gasses too, right?”

“What? Electrical fires? What does electricity have to do with fire?”

“Are you kidding me? Lightning from thunderstorms... oh, right, you can control your weather manually.” I decide to explain anyway. “Well, electricity that is not controlled can cause a fire upon striking a flammable object. I could explain how, but that would take a bit of explanation of electrons and such.”

Twilight stops me. “Electrons? What are- most of our electrical devices are powered by magic. Unless the magic used was not cast properly, there’s no cause of an accident, and each unicorn is tested extensively to make sure they fully understand the spell before using it in the field.”

“Well, guess your idea of electricity and mine differ.” I enter my Dynamo Form and start generating sparks from my left hand. I don’t want to possibly wreck my cast. “You can detect magic, Twilight. How much magic am I generating at this moment?”

Twilight’s horn glows softly, and she concentrates briefly. “Twenty-two-point-three thaums of spark elemental energy.” She smiles, looking as if waiting for me to give her a gold star.

“Spike, do you have a blank piece of scrap paper?” Once he’s holding up the paper, I charge up until my hand is generating about ten thousand volts of raw electricity, then I place my forefinger on one corner of the paper, and complete the circuit with my thumb on another piece of the paper. For several seconds, nothing happens, until the short circuit finally builds enough hurt a little. At that point, half the paper spontaneously catches fire, the vivid gold-blue arc of electricity snapping into view between my fingers with a loud CRACK that echoes through the room. Every pony in attendance folded their ears down, and several of the little fillies and colts shrieked in fear.

“Oops, didn’t know that would happen.”

However, the paper was more or less obliterated, the last bits of burnt ashes fluttering to ground, Spike’s eyes wide as he looked as the only bit on unburnt paper. It ended less than a millimeter from his claw-tip, and I realize I almost zapped him with that.

Spike, however, doesn’t seem afraid at all, his little mouth going wide. “That was so cool! Dude, that was amazing!”

“There it is, Twilight. Electrical fire.” I turn to address the children. “Now, that was a lot of electrical power, but practically nothing compared to that of a lightning strike. A raw bolt of lightning, if it’s anything like in my world, could kill you instantly if you are hit. This is why thunderstorms are considered very dangerous. Also, electricity is naturally conducted by metal, so avoid touching any tall metallic objects if there’s a storm going on.”

Twilight shook her head. “Okay, stop. A lightning strike will hurt, but it won’t kill! It’d take a really irresponsible weather team or a superstorm to build up that much lightning in a single place. Secondly, what do thunderstorms have to do with lightning strikes? Thunder is the sound of the rain being concussively ‘broken’ from the clouds. And finally, lightning hits whatever is nearby, it doesn’t care if something is tall or not. It’s not a living creature, Anthony. Well, unless it’s an elemental, but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.” Twilight had, at some point during the lecture, donned a tweed jacket, a simple bow-tie, a pair of tiny little glasses, and put her hair into a teacher’s bun. I hadn’t even seen it happen, I just sort of noticed it had happened afterwards, and can’t remember exactly when or how it was accomplished.

Her lecture complete, she smiled in a satisfied way, hmmphed triumphantly, and puffed her chest out slightly, a tiny poof of fur breaching top of her jacket. She took a moment to adjust her tie by hoof, straightening it.

“Yeah, according to your weather which is all controlled manually. In my world we have no control over the weather and just have to deal with whatever tornadoes, monsoons, or whatever else happens.”

Twilight scoffed, soundly strangely haughty from her spot. When did she get an actual lectern here? “No weather control? Next you’ll tell me you have no way to prevent earthquakes, or that you only get one crop of growth a year. There’s no way an actual civilization can get by without those. Even the gryphons had to keep earth ponies in their lands to have enough food for each year, and-”

“And you use magic for all of those, don’t you? Maybe not all unicorn magic, but magic in some way or another. Well, I have absolutely no magical abilities at all. None of us humans do. Right here, what you see...” I gesture to my perfectly normal, clothed form. “Is all we are. No magic at all. As for lightning not killing... 10,000 people are killed by lightning strikes around my world each year and about 100,000 are injured.” This statement draws surprised gasps from everyone else in the room.

Twilight looked at me, baffled. “Well, what about the other races of your world? Or are human empires naturally isolationist?”

“You could say that, considering we’re the only sentient species on the entire planet. We are the only species capable of speech, non-instinct reliant thought, and the gift of tool making for pleasure. Why do you think I said I thought I was dreaming when I met a bunch of talking horses?”

“Well, I guess I just thought there weren’t any pony species in your world...” Twilight looked sad. “After all, if you were the first of your kind here, and you were so confused at first, it makes sense you’re from a world with different races in it. But I just figured it would be other primate-based races.”

“Nope. Anyway, I’d continue this, but perhaps later. You finish your slightly inaccurate educating of these precious young minds.” I boop her on the nose. She scrunches up her face, going cross-eyed behind her tiny glasses.

She sneezed lightly, in what was the most adorable version of that particular action I’d ever seen, and spoke up, her eyes returning to normal. “Well, actually, I’d just finished when you walked in. Children, if you want to go check out books, feel free to. We just got eight new copies of the new Daring Do book; Daring Do and the Temple of the Endless Meme!” the group of younglings scattered joyously to ransack the children’s section.

Twilight turned back to me, Spike having already settled into a  wall nook with a book labeled, “Living with the Autistic”, and a small pile of books nearby, with titles such as, “Lesson Zero: When to tell Your Friends to Stop”, “Parallel Perpendicular: Living with ponies living with OCD”, and “The Classic Marevengers, volume 1, Comics 1-120”.

“So...” Twilight began. “You don’t have any other sentient races in your world? Or magic-users? How do you maintain basic entropic resistance across the world?”

“We don’t. We just have to live with the disasters, rebuild from the result, and bury our dead. People die Twilight. There’s no way to prevent that. Death in my world is a constant. Every single day, about ten thousand people die from some reason or another no matter where they are on the planet.”

Twilight looks horrified, and I wonder for a moment if maybe I threw her in the deep end a little fast. “Ten thousand? That’s more than the population of Manehattan a few times over! And Manehattan is our biggest city... how can your species survive that? How quickly do you breed?”

“Well, the typical gestation period for humans from conception to birth is nine months. And of course it’s more than a city! We cover our entire planet! There’s not just one continent for humans, the entire world is ours. When I say ‘our’ world, I mean that literally.”

“Wait, did you think Terra has only one continent? And how could you cover the entire planet? You’d need at least five million po- people to do that!”

“Convenient that, last I checked, our population was above six billion by quite a lot, then, isn’t it? If there’s an environment we can survive in, we’ll populate it. If we can’t inhabit it, we adapt to it by using tools and resourcefulness.

Twilight had gone from standing to sitting on her haunches, jaw wide in shock. “B-billion?”

Spike, sitting in his nook, sighed ponderously. “I know that tone. Give her an hour or two and she’ll be coherent again. Unless it’s an emergency?” Spike hadn’t looked up from his book. It looked like he’d already gotten almost halfway through the thick textbook during our conversation.

I think for a moment then I grin. “Hah! I broke Twilight! Whoo, point one for me!”

Spike replied laconically, “Not that hard, actually. I’m guessing it’s not an emergency, then? What did you drop by here for, anyways, looking to hang out?”

“Actually, I came by to show off my electrical powers to Twi. Oh, and give her this.” I place “Lookinglass Gates” on her head, balancing it behind her horn. It slides off her dome. several attempts later, I just hand it to Spike who looks it over. “Wow! A new copy. It’s hard to get a hold of these, they aren’t reprinted often, and none of the universities want to share theirs with, and I quote from a denial letter, a ‘mere backwater library’, regardless of the fact that this is the town that Celestia has visited more often in the last five centuries than any other.” Spike shrugged.

He turned it over a couple of times, tracing the blue-and-silver bands on the cover. “Wow, this is one of the Harper House’s prints; they use actual silver and platinum in these. How’d you afford this?”

“Got some money from Cadence while I was in Canterlot. She’s nice.”

Spike’s eyebrow-ridges raised. “Wow! I knew she was awesome, she used to baby-sit me, but I didn’t know she’d shell out sixteen-hundred bits on a present for Twilight!”

“Uh, she didn’t. She gave me fifty bits. Most of that was spent on toys at the mall. The book was... let’s see, if I have six bits now, and the toys were... I got the book for four bits.”

Spike’s jaw drops. “What, was the cashier desperate or something?”

“Maybe, he looked really happy someone was buying anything. Well, anything but another Daring Do. How do you ponies stand that tripe, anyway?”

Spike looked indignant. “Daring Do isn’t tripe! She’s an excellent adventurer! And she saves the world a bunch of times, and even fought off the Notsees.”

“Notsees?” Notsees? Natzis? God. I enjoy fiction but... wow, that’s lame.

“Yeah, they were this big nation of the Monkey tribes that tried taking over the world. Their leader, Azure Hitter, was really obsessed with technological progress, but it’s mostly just sci-fi stuff, like steam boilers running on some secret metal. There was even something about someplace called the ‘Crystal Empire’, but Twilight hasn’t read that far. It’s some mythical place I think the author made up for the series. Supposedly, this metal let of a secret fire, one of evil. Only crystal ponies were immune, which were ponies from the Crystal empire. It gets a little weird, but it’s a good series, I swear!”

“You shouldn’t swear, it’s not polite.” I smirk. “Anyway, I still don’t like it. So give the bookworm her gift when she wakes up. I’m gonna check on Ponyville, see if there’s anything I can help with.” As I leave, Spike waves me goodbye, and I see him pull out an origami crane, and prepare to carefully position it on Twilight’s horn. He’s probably had lots of practice at that.

Chapter 43

Two weeks of constant labor passed easily. Even with my injured hand, it seemed that my cast was just like my clothes when I grew bigger. So I was at least helpful as a giant, my arm in a mega-cast, hauling new lumber under one arm like a boss. I could also haul one of the larger carts of stone or new thatch with one arm, like a giant rolley-suitcase.

Every pony had a nice word or many to give me, sometimes detailing extensively how much they owed me for saving the town, or keeping the monster from tearing apart their homes. It was actually starting to get a bit annoying, because everypony keeps congratulating and thanking me. A few have even started bowing to me, stopping work dead in the process until I wave or tell them to get back to working. I wonder how the hell Celestia and Luna deal with this... oh yeah, they live in a castle secluded from the majority of the populace. Lucky bitches.

Either way, Ponyville is looking much as it did before, and even that mare whose ribs were broken is back out of the hospital. Turns out, earth ponies regenerate over time as long as they keep physically stimulated by work. the explanation led to several blushes and stammered ‘that’s not what I meant!’ comments from Twilight when I pointed out what else is physically stimulating. I could practically feel Cadence trying to give me an air hoof-bump all the way from here.

That princess is the most innocent-looking, raunchiest mare I’ve met. I’m so glad there are ponies here who aren’t so goddamn conservative.

As I was lounging outside the library, when a storm-gray pegasus with a straw-colored mane lands in the grass outside the library. She looks around for a moment, and I see her eyes have wandered in two seperate directions, neither of them towards the library, which she begins walking towards confidently. A little head, lavender-gray with similar mane color as the pegasus, pokes out of one of the mare’s saddlebags, a pair of aviator goggles over the little pony’s face, while the pegasus wore a blue cap with a little winged golden thing on it.

I decide I should introduce myself to the pair. I stand up. “Heya, I haven’t seen you before. Who are you? And who’s your little carry-on there?”

The gray mare looks up at me, eyes both zooming forward to track me. The motion was a little hypnotic and fairly scary, with those two golden orbs sighting in on me. Then, the ‘creeped out’ feeling vanished as she smiled broadly, her eyes wandering again. “Howdy! I’m Ditzy, and I’m the mailmare. And this is Dinky, she’s my little muffin of joy!” Her smile is contagious, in a way even Pinkie’s isn’t. While Pinkie has a smile of joy and laughter, the smile of someone who told a funny joke and is basking in the laughter of friends, Ditzy has a smile that practically embodies happiness, of being utterly content with life.

The little filly saluted sharply, which was adorable, her face scrunched with seriousness.

“Well, hello there to you too. So, I take it you two might have heard of me?”

Ditzy nodded happily. “You stopped that monster. If I hadn’t been able to fly, he would’ve k- hurt my muffin.”

“Well, it seems like that’s what I’m here to do. I help ponies when nobody else can. Although I can be a bit violent myself, I admit.”

Ditzy looks up at me, one eye wandering past as if tracking a fly buzzing past my face. “Nah, you’re not evil. You’re a good guy! Oh, and I have some mail for you.” She turned her head towards Dinky, who disappeared into the saddlebag. I heard papers moving, and then saw her pop her head out, a bunch of letters bound together with string floating in a pale, flickering gold aura. I saw that Dinky’s face, under her goggles, was scrunched up again, this time in concentration.

Taking pity on the kid, who was apparently a unicorn, not a pegasus like her mother, I take the letters. They’re surprisingly heavy, so I pat the unicorn filly on the head, earning a huge, proud smile from her. Her mother looks proud, too.

“Alright, let’s see what I get.” I begin untying the heavy bulk and fan out some of the letters. “I’m willing to bet it’s fan mail. Heh, Rainbow’s gonna bug out when she sees this.” I grin, thinking about our little ego-war.

The first letter was from a child, as evinced by the crayon being used to write it. It was a thank you note, and said that he - the colt was named ‘Button Mash’, apparently - wished he would be as cool as me some day. Another was from Diamond Tiara, the annoying, mean filly from the school. Her letter said that she was willing to tolerate my presence, which I think is a step up. One from a pony named ‘Filthy Rich’, who said he was Diamond’s dad, said that I had apparently saved not only his store, but his daughter. The first earned me a lifetime membership to the gold club, and the second earned me a thousand bits personally from him. There was a metal card proclaiming me a Gold Member for life included, with fancy gold filigree on the edges. Heh, Gold Member.

The next card after that was from a mare, who started it with a lipstick mark, and basically asked me to marry her. Nope. The next was the same thing, but in fancier writing. Nope again. The one after that was another child’s letter, saying that if I ever came by her house, she’d give me her favorite fluffy bunny stuffy, because I was her hero. D’aaw. Another letter asking for marriage, this time in much more... explicit terms. Ugh, nope. One from a mare that was just being thankful, and offering to give me a ten-percent discount from her flower shop for life. Another was from the family I’d saved by swatting the demon away from them. They had enclosed an eight-hundred-bit bank note, and mentioned that they owned the local bank system, which ran as far as Canterlot and Manehattan, amongst other places.

Geez, and that was just the ones I opened at first, it was less than third of the total pile. I looked up at Ditzy and Dinky, who were still standing there, waiting for something. I reach into my pocket and retrieve the pouch of bits. I hold out the six I have left. “I’m not sure if this is enough, it’s all I’ve got.”

“Hmm? Oh, all of these were already paid for, not BOD. Bits on Delivery is for packages only. I’m just waiting in case you want to reply to any of them.” Ditzy’s smile doesn’t fade, and Dinky nods affirmatively.

“Well, I’ll have to keep reading them and decide which ones to reply to, if any. I’ll just write response letters and you can pick them up later. I don’t want to keep you two.”

“Oh, alright. And you’ll need to take them to the Postal Center, we can’t do mail pickups, I’m afraid. There’s only me, Dinky, and Rush Job. Poor colt can’t seem to hold a job, I’m hoping this works better than carpentry for him.”

“Well, thanks anyway. I’ll bring my responses by, and you can take it from there. Have a good day, and good luck.”

Ditzy nods, then takes flight, Dinky giving one last adorably serious salute on the way, before diving back into the saddlebag. Heh, I like those two. Anyways, back to reading the letters...

Eighteen more marriage proposals, six love letters, two lust letters, and one instance of a particularly proactive Canterlot Noble offering his daughter in marriage to, and I quote, “Guide your rising star with the might of the Rutabaga House, binding our future fortunes together.” those all got thrown away, except for the last. I think I’ll have it framed and laugh at it sometimes. What I find even more funny is the signatures from both the noble and his wife, and a note from the wife saying ‘I apologize for not being able to offer a more lovely future wife than my daughter, else I would.’ Bad parents, and I hope I can maybe help the girl find somewhere else to live.

I never would have imagined how many of these ponies wanted to be so romantic with me. Or merely jump my bones. Geez, it’s creepy.

However, some of the others were truly heartwarming. I have nearly two dozen letter from foals, some with their parent’s help, each one thanking me politely for saving them and their families. Some of them even offered me prized possessions, like stuffed animals, favored blankets, their coolest toys, etc. One letter from the orphanage - as in all the kids signed it, but the orphanage owner wrote it - said that me distracting the monster allowed the orphanage time to evacuate, as it would’ve been right along his path. I didn’t even know Ponyville had an orphanage, seeing as how few accidents and how much love for the children there is.

I even received, courtesy of the spa twins - there’s apparently also a high-end spa in Ponyville - a certificate for 50% off on whatever I wanted from them, because their parents are apparently in the retirement home. Cheerilee had written me a letter inviting me to come back anytime to be a guest of honor for any kind of presentation I’d like.

The list of total letters, many of them very personally kind, went on. One that caught my eye was an apology from a mare, named Berry Punch. It turns out she’s the mother of Noi, that little orange pony I’d worn as a hat back at my first introduction to the town. She was apologizing for being scared, of all things. If a random alien had decided to wear my child as a hat, I’d probably have freaked out as well, so I can understand. Anyways, her letter was an invitation to come to the bar she and her husband, Stoic Face, ran. It even included a little map of how to find the place.

Heh, sure. I make a point to visit them at some point. Though I wonder... what is the legal drinking age in Equestria? I’m not twenty-one yet... Eh, I suppose I could ask. “Hey Twilight, what’s the legal drinking age here?”

Twilight looks up from the book she was reading, titled, “BOOM! Population Growth Statistics”, and blinked a couple of times. “Huh? Oh, it’s sixteen if you’re an earth pony, nineteen otherwise.Why do you ask?”

“So... I’m not an Earth pony, so I guess that means it’s nineteen for me. Sweet, I’m legal!”

“I, uh, I suppose. Gryphons usually start drinking at age fourteen, and dragons are immune to the intoxicating effects of alcohol, so they can drink whenever. It’s a good medium for their baby formula, especially the harder alcohols. It’ll dissolve pearls, which are the best for young dragons.”

“Dude... that is probably the most hardcore baby formula I’ve ever heard of! Vodka and gemstones? Damn.” I give Spike a look. “Lucky bastard.”

“I’m not allowed near sulphurous liquids until I’m at least four decades old, don’t envy me.”

“If you say so. Anyway, I got an invite to a bar, so I’m gonna see what you ponies have in the way of hard drinks... I wonder what would happen if I got drunk...”

Twilight looks thoughtful for a moment. “Well, if you get the chance, be sure to invite Rarity, she likes going bar hopping. It’d be a good chance to really get to know her.”

“As long as she doesn’t end up sounding like some of these letters, I’d say that’s great idea.” I pass one of the more lustful letters to Twilight. “I had no idea you ponies were so forward.”

Twilight curiously looks at the letter, her eyes flickering back and forth as she reads. Her cheeks go aflame as she reads the part explicitly stating where the writer wanted to have my face during the whole thing. It was written, by the way, by a stallion.

“How could somepony write something like that‽” She looks visibly revulsed. “Gross, gross, gross! Ugh, this this is why I never want to get married.”

Quoting a pony from before, I say, “Who said anything about marriage?”

Twilight’s facial expression was absolutely priceless, and neither Spike nor myself could stop laughing.

Chapter 44

Still chuckling as I went to find the aforementioned postal office, then the bar, I wave hello to a few of the ponies who are resisting the apparently almighty urge to bow to their savior. I drop off my letter with the skinny colt at the post office, and he flicks his eyes across the addresses before casually flicking them across the room. I’m rather impressed when they each land in a separate cubby, each landing perfectly stacked with the others in those cubbies.

From there, I head towards the bar.

After finding The Frosty Mug, with only minor surface scorching from the fire, I step in, getting a warm reception. There’s a stallion behind the bar, face perfectly stoic. As I step in, he nods to me, no change in his facial expression. A couple of the bar patrons also wave before going back to their drinks. There’s only about eight in the decently-sized bar, all stallions, mostly earth ponies.

In one corner, at a much shorter table than the rest, with much brighter decor than the plain, walnut panelling on the rest of the bar, sits two fillies, each playing with stuffed animals, with a little pile of juice boxes next to them. One is Noi, the other is a filly I don’t recognize.

I decide to walk up as quietly as possible, and tickle Noi from behind. This should be good. I probably have an evil grin on my face as I approach the little orange filly.

The maroon filly sitting across from her looks up and sees me, then grins when she realizes my intent. Acting quick, the delightful little traitor distracts Noi with gesture, and I pounce. As I tickle the filly she laughs and giggles, and I even hear chuckles from the other bar patrons.

I continue tickling. “Rawr, the tickle monster has found you!” Man, fingers are awesome.

Eventually, she gives up, and the other filly looks happily smug. Deciding that it would be wholly unfair if Noi had all the fun, I tickle the other filly too, getting encouragement from Noi in the process.

Shrieks of laughter and flailing filly limbs are no match for my finger’s might and dexterity, and she collapses into a giggling lump as well. I watch as Noi pulls the maroon unicorn filly into a tight embrace, nuzzling her cheek.

“Ha, he got you too, sis.” Noi chuckles as she holds the pony that is apparently her sister.

“Nobody is spared from the tickle monster!” My evil laugh eventually becomes a naughty chuckle as I slow down, giving them a break. I turn to the other filly, thank her for finding my hat, and put Noi back on my head.

The orange filly giggles as I stand up, her little hooves on my shoulders, forelimbs wrapped around my forehead. I figure that since I’ve already met the rest of the little family, I should look for Berry Punch. I am here because of her invitation. I search around for a mare that the name might match with. Unfortunately, as I noticed before, there’s just a bunch of stallions. “Hey Noi, where’s your mom?”

The filly speaks up from atop my head, “This way!” and points with a hoof towards a door labeled ‘stock room’. I feel a tug on my pant leg.

I look down to address the other filly. “Do you want a ride, too?” I ask with a grin.

“Yeah! I can ride on one side, and Noi can ride on the other.” I can feel Noi nodding her agreement from the top of my head. Agreeing with the plan, I pick up the other filly, and place her on my shoulder while Noi shifts to the other shoulder. “And what’s your name?”

“I’m Ruby Pinch! But everypony calls me ‘Pinchy’.”

“Well, then let’s go find your mom, then.” I head over to the stock room and knock on the door.

From the other side, and down a ways, I hear a mare call out. “No customers in the stock room!” I think for a moment. I was planning on buying a drink, so, I suppose I counted as a customer... “Oh well, guess we just wait for her to be finished up down there.”

I can feel both fillies as they sigh unhappily. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the bartender, Stoic Face, walk over and gently just push the door open. He looks into the room, which goes down a short flight of wooden steps, and calls out, in a gruff voice. “Berry, Anthony’s here.”

“Well, send him down already! Don’t keep him waiting!”

Stoic just nods his head towards the open door, and I head down the steps to meet the mother of my passengers.

Stepping into the stock room reminds me more of a low cellar. Due to pony physiology, they can build rooms with lower ceilings than humans can, but they tend to build them higher so that it feels more airy. This, however, was a four-and-a-half-foot room, even, so I had to disembark my passengers and crouch a bit. I continue until I see the mare. I’m really wishing my size-changing included shrinking. “Cozy place you got down here.”

The mare, a purple-red color with fruit on her flank, was busy stirring a vat that was set into the floor, numerous pipes extending along its side. It would seem I was fated to meet Fruit Salad again, only now I know her name is Berry Punch. Makes a bit more sense, seeing as how she’s in the midst of brewing up either some normal fruit punch or the base for something harder, the sweet scent of fruit pervading the entire cellar heavily.

“Hey, I’m almost ready to get this batch simmering. It’s going to be a couple bottles of watermelon-kiwi wine. Should at least be interesting to drink, and might win me the prize at the Winepress Competition in Arborvale in about five years. That prissy Pinot Noir isn’t gonna top me again. Anyways, just gimme a sec to get the batch moving.  It’ll need to drain into the next tank to get started on the last step, and I can bottle it tomorrow- oh, sorry, I ramble when I work.” Berry shot me an apologetic glance, sparing another for the two fillies looking down into the vat from little step-stools on the side.

“Hey, no problem. I’m actually rather interested in how you guys make alcoholic drinks, honestly. Seems like it’s a similar method to the human way, but I’m sure you’ve got some differences.”

Berry nods. “Well, I’ll have to see if you like my Calamityberry or Magoberry drinks, we’ll see from there. Unless you prefer really hard stuff. If so, I’ll let you try out a Kelpsyberry Extract. Stuff beats out that gryphon potato-swill any day.”

The mare grabbed a lever bar almost a long as she was, and grunted, moving it into place. I could see the muscles in her legs rippling through her coat and along her back. she wiped some sweat from her forehead as some of the bright copper tubes began to clang and gurgle gently.

“Need a some help with that? Not sure how much leverage I can get on it, but I could try if you like.”

“Nah, I got it. It’s only two-hundred and fifty pounds resistance, tops.”

“Dang, you horses are strong. And here I thought I was the toughest guy around!”

“Hey! Watch the H-word! There are fillies in there!” Berry gives me the most terrifying look of all: Angry Mom.

“Oh... I was unaware that was a curse in your culture. To us humans, a, er, H-word is another term for a pony or a larger pony.”

“Well, that’s messed up. It’s an old Gryphon curse word, basically calling us stupid. I hear that many of the draft ponies from those lands use it as a privilege word, but I don’t like it, and neither do most ponies.”

“Ah, well, I guess I’ve been insulting you guys a lot more than I thought. I honestly don’t mean any harm, it’s just... another word for ‘pony’ to me, honestly.” I decide not to mention that pony is more of a second word for horse, as that could be a disaster. I’ll have to ask Twilight about more of this society. “So, I guess I should find out what you guys consider ‘hard’ drinks. I’ve had alcohol, but, I’ve mostly stayed with our light stuff.”

Berry began leading me and the fillies back up to the main room, and we all got seats at the bar itself, Berry’s being on the opposite side from me. Looking me in the eyes, she asks, “Well, do prefer it sweet, sour, bitter, strong, or do you want something with a bite to it?”

I give it some thought. Something sweet might be nice, but it could cover up how strong it is, which isn’t what I want, but I don’t want it to taste bad... “Let’s see what you ponies mean when you say strong.”

“How strong you thinkin’? I thought you wanted to sample first?”

“Hmmmm, good point. Alright, fine. Sour.” I’ve been able to handle some pretty sour stuff in the past. This shouldn’t be too hard to take.

“Alright, one Ghost-Buster, coming up.” she said, her husband pulling down a bottle labeled with a strange, purple fruit from the shelf. The stallion, using nothing but his hooves and wings, swept up a shotglass and the bottle, popping the top and filling the glass in one smooth motion. I hadn’t even noticed the wings on the brick-colored pony, but the guy sure knew his bartending, as the glass slid perfectly into my grip.

Heh, Ghost-Buster? Nice name, but how sour could this be? I raise the shotglass to my lips and drink it down in one gulp. It was surprisingly strong. I definitely could tell how sour it was. To be more exact, I feel like I just swallowed a stick of dynamite. “Woah! Uh, dang... that’s impressive stuff...” I exhale sharply, trying to calm down the nerve endings in my tongue.

“Heh, maybe you’d like something sweeter? I’ve got a Sweet Apple Sangria chilling in the fridge, or I can bust out a Mago Mash, your choice.” Berry shrugs. “Both are rather sweet.”

Since I don’t know what a ‘Mago’ is, I decide to give that a try. This place doesn’t seem to water down it’s stuff, that’s for sure.

Another smooth motion from Stoic and a light pink drink in a shotglass slides perfectly in front of me, right next to my hand. That bartender is good.

Being a bit more cautious this time, I decide to just take a sip from the glass, just to give it a taste. Well, that’s definitely a new flavor to me. Some sort of tropical fruit mix. Mango and... something else. It’s not bad, but I don’t really taste any alcohol. It’s there, but still fairly subtle. I like it, so I finish it. “Okay, yeah. You ponies have some tough stuff, but this is really good.”

“Well, wanna try my signature drink?” Berry asks.

“Hmmm... alright, but I think I’ll take it slow.” I grin sheepishly, the ghost-buster having given me an idea of just how tough their stuff could get. “Let’s see what your house special is.”

She begins pulling out multiple bottles, mixing and matching them one by one, sometimes re-adding one after another’s been added. She then carefully plucks a single neon-blue berry from a dish in a small freezer behind the bar, dropping it into the rather normal-sized glass. The whole thing is like an impressionist painting done by a color-blind clown. A series of bright, clashing colors swirl gently throughout the glass, refusing to mix in the slightest. dead in the middle, the blue berry hanging suspended exactly halfway down the glass. After a moment, I realize the drink is glowing enough to light up the nearby bartop. About the time I notice this, I see a band of silvery, mercury-like liquid float past, swirling like it’s the start of a sideways hurricane.

“I give you, the Berry’s Punch. Careful, it’ll knock you flat if you don’t take it slow.” With a nod of understanding, I bring the drink to my lips and take a very cautious sip. It’s definitely impressive, but I taste practically no alcohol in it. But it’s definitely very refreshing. It’s very cold, and pretty good. But even if I can’t taste alcohol doesn’t mean it’s not there, so I take another drink, but I keep it slow. What? This isn’t... I look back at the drink. It hasn’t changed, nobody swapped it for another... but it tastes completely different! Still good, still cool and enticing, but a completely different flavor! This one is spicy, but not enough to burn.

“That’s amazing. Two flavors in one drink? Nice job!”

“Two? You wound me, taste it again.”

I take another drink. Waffles!? Holy crap, this is freaking magic! I take another drink. I don’t know what it is, but it’s fruity. Not quite like the Mago drink, but still just as interesting.

“Woah, slow down there, guardsman! That’s ninety-four proof!” Berry warns me, chuckling slightly.

My eyes go wide! “Holy... this is incredible. Magic alcohol. Heh, nice job. But uh... I think I’ll take the rest home. Not sure if I want to finish it all here.”

“Well, finish it in the next two hours, or the Frostberry in there will evaporate, and the drink’ll go bad, real quick. If you can’t see any blues, it’s a dead drink. Do come back, though. You saved my family. The least I can do is treat you to a good drink every once in a while. But you have to pay for the next of those, it’s normally an eighty-bit drink, and you got a double-sized glass.”

“I’d believe it, that stuff’s fantastic! I don’t know how you did it but... Dang, why aren’t you guys famous?”

“Oh, I’m famous alright, but I like living here in Ponyville, anonymous. Whenever I go out for sales or appearances elsewhere, I have to go with my cutie-mark disguised so I can have some peace at home. Fame is great, but peace and quiet is priceless. Especially with two kids. I’m still working on my winemaking skills, though.”

“I’d believe it. Anyway, thanks for this. I’m definitely gonna come back.” I look back at the drink. Goddamn my curiosity. I take another small sip. Heh, tastes like cotton candy. I put the drink back on the counter, and wave goodbye to the fillies. Maybe being the town idol won’t be so bad... as long as I avoid the kinkier residents. Stoic hands me a closable bottle filled with my drink as I get ready to leave. Awesome. I try to ignore my curiosity though, I don’t wanna end up wasted. But...

I take another sip, minorly disappointed that it tastes like cotton candy again. It makes me think of Pinkie again, and... goddamnit Cadence!

Chapter 45

I realized I was going to let Rarity join me, but had forgotten. Well, I suppose I can make up for it with this stuff. What was it again? Oh yeah. Berry’s Punch. I head off to Carousel Boutique, getting a few friendly waves from various ponies along the way. It’s incredible. A month ago, I couldn’t go anywhere without getting a slightly-scared double take. Now I’m a hero!

I wonder if I’d get some respect in Canterlot if I saved those stuck up, ritzy bores too... Heh, nah. I’m probably not going to get that lucky. Since the drink I’m carrying has an expiration timer and I don’t really need to walk, I decide to speed up. Nothing major, just twice my normal speed. It’ll be a bit tiring, but with the distance I’ve covered already, the worst I’ll get is needing a few deep breaths.

I could cut the distance even shorter by phasing through houses, but I don’t want to cause a ruckus unless it’s an emergency, so I just continue along the path through town. I get up to Rarity’s house-slash-place of business and walk in. Rarity turns to greet me and stops when she sees who it is. “Ah, Anthony, how can I help you today?”

“Actually, I have something to share with you.”

“Oh? How kind of you! I was working on some dresses for an order, but my muse seems to have wandered off. I think I have an hour or two for your company.” She explained, motioning towards a couch for me to sit on. When I did, she joined me, sitting on a large nearby cushion. “So, darling, what is- oh!”

I place the bottle on the table. “This was a gift for my ‘Heroic actions’ earlier. I intended to bring you with me on Twilight’s advice, but it completely slipped my mind.”

“My, my, Ms. Punch parted with one of her precious Berry’s Punches? You certainly did make an impression on her! Oh, I do wish you had brought me along, it’s been so long since I’ve had one of her Mago Slushes, they’re simply divine.” Rarity gushed over the drink, gently levitating it into the air before her. “Ooh, I simply must get out the good shotglasses. Give me one moment, darling.”

“Of course. I expect we still have about an hour and forty minutes before it goes bad. I made quite the effort to get here quickly. Didn’t want this to spoil.”

Rarity nodded in agreement, transporting the travel-bottle with her as she went towards what I assume is her kitchen.

I sat on the couch, twiddling my thumbs for about a minute before I began to wonder what was up. Then, Rarity returned to the room. She hadn’t simply grabbed the shotglasses, she’d also taken the time to apply some makeup and put on a long, dark blue dress. It was a simple one, but I had to wonder why she felt it was necessary.

“I hope you don’t expect the same as some of my fans, Miss Rarity...” I grin. Then I realize she wouldn’t understand my meaning. “I got plenty of letters asking for marriage, among other things. These ponies certainly like me a lot now.” I look at her expectantly.

For a moment, she doesn’t appear to get it, before a crimson blush begins to work its way onto her cheeks. “Those barbarians! Throwing themselves at you like you’re a piece of meat.” She shakes her head unhappily. “So uncouth.”

“Haha. I don’t mind, honestly. After all, it’s not going to happen, so I don’t let it bother me any. But seriously, why all dressed up? You plan on inviting some others as well?”

“Darling, I may be the element of Generosity, but even I can be a little selfish sometimes. And I want to simply snatch these two fine tumblers of sweet panacea and hide in my workshop until I am well and truly soaked... but I am still a lady, and must comport myself as such. Here, take your glass, and we shall enjoy each other’s company. This is a drink to be savored, not merely gulped.” She paused for a moment, looking over my clothes. “Also, I’ll be needing you to remove your clothes later anyways. I have two sets of replacement clothes, since I saw you wear them all the time. I do hope you like them, darling.”

“I’m sure I will, but for now, let us enjoy this drink, and hope that it is the only thing we end up enjoying.” I give a wink. I know she understands I have no interest in her, so I feel comfortable at least making the suggestion.

“That’s alright dear, I’m fine simply basking in this lovely drink’s glow. Besides, I can’t go throwing myself at you; I already have my sights set on another wonderful young gentlecolt, you know.” She smiled encouragingly, as she raised the first glass as if for a toast.

I raise mine as well before taking a sip, grinning. “And who might that be?”

She takes a sip as well, mmm’ing at the flavor. “Now, now, a lady doesn’t simply tell her secrets. She barters them. I’ll spill something if you can spill something of equal value as well.” Her smile is warm, yet smug.

“Hmmmm... let’s see. I have plenty of stories from before I came to Equestria. Unfortunately, I don’t think those would count, as they no longer apply.” I took another sip. Mmm, raspberries, reminds me of home.

“I should think not, dear. I’ve heard over the grapevine that you’ve met with Princess Cadence. I don’t know much about her. How about you... fill some holes for me?” Her quirked eyebrow shows she knew exactly what she said, and fully expects me to get flustered over it. Well, it won’t work! Even now, she’s taking another sip.

“Ah, Miss Rarity, your attempt to undermine my composure will not work today. Although I will oblige. What would you like to know about the Alicorn of Love?” I take another sip, tasting cottage cheese and honey. Still no weird combinations.

“Oh, darling, I’m not trying to undermine anything. Though if I do, please be sure to tell me, I’d love to know.” She paused for a moment and took another sip. “I suppose anything about what she’s like would be nice. I was tricked by a changeling impersonating her once, knowing more would be... well, I suppose that’s a bit of a foolish reason. The changelings were scattered to the winds at the end of the wedding; I doubt many survived. I suppose it’s just curiosity. What do you know of the third Princess?”

“Well, now that changelings have been brought up, I have much more information to offer, later.” I take another sip, and enjoy the sweet flavor of marshmallow. “For one, Cadence finds the life of a princess a bit boring, and sneaks away from her escorts on a regular basis. I met her when she approached me at a cafe. She was wearing an outfit that completely covered every inch of her, save for her horn!” I chuckle at the bit of gossip. Now I know why those girls in High School did it constantly, it’s fun. I take another sip, and this time it’s raw mushrooms. Earthy, but tasty.

Rarity giggles demurely, taking a sip and grimacing slightly. Must’ve hit a flavor she didn’t like. “She sneaks away from her guards? Well, that’s certainly scandalous. Not quite enough for the secret of mine... maybe something else of value?”

I think for a moment, taking another sip. Blueberry. A bit normal, but not bad. “Well, for a princess, she’s probably one of the least formal ponies I’ve met.” I take one more sip before continuing. Kind of buttery, but I don’t really know what it is. “She’s almost as vulgar as I am, no lie. She certainly has a habit of making some rather dirty comments.”

“Oooh, now that’s what I’m talking about. Very juicy, indeed, I think I knead a few of those into more... palatable rumors for later.” Rarity took a sip, her smile even reaching her eyes. “Well, I suppose I should share. You see, I have a wee little bit of a crush on-”

Rarity was suddenly interrupted by a loud crash from the next room over startling us both. From that room, which I assumed was the kitchen, issued forth Sweetie’s voice. “I didn’t do it! I swear, it was already falling when I came in!” Her little voice cracked in alarm, but it was a pretty transparent lie.

Rarity, looking utterly peeved, stormed towards the kitchen, her drink only half-finished. I begin to edge out of the building as I hear Rarity begin to “whisper” angrily to Sweetie Belle. I feel a little bad, but Sweetie’s little voice is certainly rivalling Rarity’s, at least in levels of shrillness. As the two kept arguing, I excused myself. I’ve been around too many arguing pairs of children/adults to really want to be around this pair. They might not be inclined to get violent, but their voices were starting to hurt my ears.

A few minutes of standing outside later, an angry Sweetie Belle flops out of the cat flap on the front door, right next to me. She stomps a couple of times, before looking up at me. Almost instantly, she appears to brighten up. “Anthony! I was just looking for you!”

“Yeah, sure you were. Now be honest, what fell and broke?”

“I didn’t break open the cookie jar, honest!” Sweetie’s eyes were huge and staring, as if to deter my gaze from her question.

“I asked what broke, not who broke it.” I give Sweetie a grin. “Seriously, if you want to be a good liar, you’ll need more practice.”

I kneel down so I’m at eye level with Sweetie. “First lesson, avoid suspiciously specific denial. Pay attention to what is asked and respond calmly. Second, keep eye contact with the person you are lying to. If your gaze shifts or you appear nervous, they’ll know you’re lying. Third, the ‘cute face’ might work now, but in about five years, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not telling the truth.”

Sweetie pouted at the ground, scuffing a little circle in the dirt, her ears flat back, making her the perfect picture of sad and remorseful. Too perfect an image, in fact, especially when I saw her eyes flick back to me. She almost had me, though, for a moment.

“Lesson four. if you put on an act that involves breaking eye contact, do not, I repeat, do not look back at them, that’s a sign that you want to know their reaction. Another sign of dishonesty. But you are good at this, kid.”

I pick her up in my left arm, cradling her like a bunny. “And whatever you do, don’t tell people how good or bad you are at lying. Admitting you lie is fine, though, everyone lies. Another thing, don’t tell anybody who told you how to be a better liar? Can I trust you to not tell anyone?”

Sweetie nodded happily, and nuzzled my neck. Her short, fluffy fur is almost exactly like rabbit fur; gloriously soft and short.

“So.” I began again. “You said you were looking for me, what did you want with me?”

“I have a surprise for you!” She jumps to the ground, and ran off. “Come on!”

“Oh crap...” I take a few steps and feel slightly dizzy. Woah, guess I had more of that Punch than I thought... But I suppose I should follow after the filly. Even though doing so would probably end bad for me.

So it seems that we are heading to the CMC clubhouse. Along the way, we picked up Scootaloo and Applebloom. They all know what this secret they have for me is, but won’t say.

“Why do I get the feeling I might regret this?”

“Because you’re a scaredy-cat.”

I chuckle, almost stumbling over a rock. “No I’m not, I just don’t trust you any farther than I can throw you!”

“Hmmmm... Ah’ve got a great idea fer somethin’ we can try fer ahr Cutie Marks tuh-morrow!” I facepalm.

“I’m not going any further until you tell me what this surprise is.” I sit down on the ground, arms crossed in defiance. Then the fillies give me a different surprise. The three of them have grabbed my leg and are now dragging me to the clubhouse!

In my slightly inebriated state, I can only think of one thing to say. “Help! I need an adult!”

Scootaloo replies, her wings fluttering like mad as she drags me. “You are an adult.”

“I need a responsible adult!”

“Sorry, fresh out of those.”

Chapter 46

I am being dragged through the trees by the three vilest demons Hell could possibly spawn. And they’re giggling. This is the advent of my demise. I can’t believe these three could be so strong! Eventually we get to the clubhouse, and they let go to rush inside. When they return in a few seconds, they are holding an amateurishly wrapped gift. Still on the ground, I stare at the gift in my hands. I look up at the three fillies, and what I see chills me to the bone. They’re smiling.

This is it. This is where I die. I wince as I untie the present’s bow. Nothing yet. Whatever it is, I have to open the box... I sigh, resigning to my fate, and peel off the shoddily applied tape and reach inside. It feels... somewhat soft. It’s... clothes?

I pull the object out and hold it up. It’s a big, human shirt in roughly my size. it’s a sort of maroon red with the CMC emblem on the front.

“Rarity helped us make it just for you!”

“We were gonna make it a cape lahk are’s but there wasn’t ‘nuff gold silk, so we made a shirt!”

“But now you have something to wear when we’re all Crusading!”

I look at the fillies, smiling, waiting for my approval of their gift. Oh screw it. “This is fantastic!” I reach down to grab them in a hug, but Scootaloo backs up a bit. “Uh, I’ll pass.”

Eh, whatever. I grab the other two though, and hold them in my arms. I can feel them try to hug me back, their hooves just barely too short to get around my shoulders. Scootaloo just stands there, looking away, acting indifferent.

After a bit, I put Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle back down, and thank them for the gift. The two of them head back to the clubhouse. When they’re back inside, I grab Scoots before she can move and I give her a hug as well.

“Hey stop! Put me down, I-”

“Nobody has to know.” I hug her a bit harder, and after a moment, Scootaloo gives up and snuggles into my embrace. After a few more seconds I set her back down on the ground and ruffle her mane. “Remember, I don’t think you are any less cool because of that.”

She blushes slightly. “Th- thanks. Uh, I gotta go.” Before she gets to the doorway she turns around and waves. “Bye Anthony!”

I wave back and leave for Ponyville, a happy smile on my face, and the new shirt under my right arm. If those three do end up being the end of me... I guess it wouldn’t be the worst way to go.

I make my way to Golden Oaks, and a few more ponies wave my way. I guess this is the life of a hero. I wish I could have some sort of disguise to wear so I could be a hero and still be treated like a normal person... except that I’m a person. Oh well, I don’t really mind being famous as a good guy I suppose, I certainly have plenty of admirers. On the other hand, there are the more overzealous ponies. I suppose I could make a speech to all of Ponyville about that, but I’d also have to stop the letters from Canterlot, Manehattan and all the other places in Equestria.

I sigh. I could probably at least stop the love letters from the local ponies for now and work on other towns and cities later on. I walk into the library and I see Twilight poring over the book I got her. She looks very happy.

“I’d suggest you write down what you learn in there in case you forget.”

Twilight looks up from her book. “Anthony! Oh thank you so much for this! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!”

“Aww, it wasn’t any trouble, and I have been kind of a jerk to you. But don’t think I’m gonna quit, I like you too much to let you get bored.”

She sighs lightly and rolls her eyes. “I suppose I’ll just have to ignore you then.”

I chuckle. “Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, I’m serious, write down anything you think is important, you’ll want notes.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Well, we don’t want anything to happen to that book, but I’m sure the information would be useful.”

“Well, yeah... but what could happen to the book?”

“Do you have a copy of Blueish’s Bestiary?”

“I got it! Just a sec.” Spike said, and he started climbing up the shelves.

Twilight groans. “Anthony, what are you talking about? Why do you need that? What could happen to my book?”

“Well, you never know what might happen in Wunderland, it would help to be prepared.”

“Prepared... why? Prepared for what?”

I ruffle her mane. “Prepare for Wunderland, you silly pony. Cadence and I have made plans to go at some point, and you and Pinkie are invited.”

Twilight’s eyes go wide. “Really!?”

I give her a big smile. “Yep, once I get this cast off, we’re gonna take a month to prepare, then we’re gonna go visit Wunderland.”

Twilight proceeded to yell happily, jumping between her front and hind legs. “I’m going to Wunderland! This is perfect!” She leaped towards me and gave me a big hug. Then she realized that she had, and jumped back off of me. “Er, ahem, yes, well, thank you. I will be looking forward to this trip.”

Spike walks over, barely able to carry the huge tome in his arms. I pick it up and it’s really heavy. “Yep, so am I, and as such, we should study as much as we can to avoid any unfortunate event.”

“I agree completely!” Twilight said, letting out another happy giggle, and muttering a quiet “Yes!”

I set down the bestiary on the center table across from Twilight, and I see fan mail, reminding me of the other issue I had to deal with. “Actually Twilight, I’m going to attend to another task. I need to get at least Ponyville to stop sending me raunchy letters.” Twilight nodded, a blush on her face remembering the letter I had her read earlier.

I head off to Town Hall to tell the mayor about my intention, bringing a sample letter as an example. Luckily, getting everyone together shouldn’t be hard, as I plan on enlisting Pinkie Pie, and I’m sure news about the “Great hero” having a public statement to make should spread quickly. But first, the mayor.

“Good afternoon, ma’am.”

“Ah, hello Anthony, what a pleasure it is to see you again. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

“Yes there is. I would like to make a public statement to the town.”

“I... see...”

“Don’t worry, I’m serious about the speech, it is not related at all to any bets I’ve made and lost.”

The mare visibly relaxes. “Very well, then. What is the purpose of this speech?”

“Well, my rise in popularity has led many ponies to send me gifts and write letters of admiration. Unfortunately I have also received plenty of letters that I would like to tell the ponies that I do not wish to receive any more of them.”

“I see, and what sort of letters are these?”

Rather than explain, I just hand her the letter I brought as an example, and she looks it over. “Oh my... I... I can see why you might wish to stop these sorts of letters. I will grant your request. Honestly, some ponies... I know our little town isn’t very cultured but I assure you, not all of us are like this!”

“I know. That was from Canterlot.” The mayor’s eyes go wide and she’s speechless. “I’m going to be addressing other areas of Equestria as well, at a later date. Now, I will get help with rounding up everyone in town.”

“R- right.”

I make my way to Sugarcube Corner.

About half an hour later, everyone is gathered at town hall. None of them were told what for, just that I had an announcement to make. I walk up onstage, and all the ponies cheer, clapping in their pony way by stomping the ground. It feels... nice. I hold up my hands and in a few moments, they’ve all quieted down. I realize the podium is much too short for me, so I decide to just hold the microphone to my mouth

"Hello everyone." I wait calmly for the various cheers to die down before continuing. "I appreciate all the praise you give me for my heroic actions, but there is an issue I must address." I clear my throat. "Many of you have sent me letters of admiration and even gifts, and I thank you all for your generosity. However, some of you have sent me letters of a more intimate nature. Whether it be a marriage proposal, or  requesting that I 'bed' the sender..."

Some ponies chuckle, others blush, a few shift their gaze nervously. "I would like to inform you all that I have absolutely no interest in being intimate in any way with ponies. And before you ask, yes, that covers the princesses as well." I pause, letting all I've said sink in.

"Understand I have no problems with making new friends, but I will not accept any suitors or offers of sexual interaction. I don't do ponies." The crowd makes various short statements of understanding and agreement. I continue.

“Now, I know that not all of these questionable letters have come from Ponyville, so I will be visiting other towns and cities, spreading this message.”

Someone raises their hoof and asks a question. “But what happens if another monster comes by while you’re gone? Who will save us?”

I facepalm. “Need I remind you that you live with the holders of the Elements of Harmony?”

Rainbow Dash flies up from the crowd and lands next to me, facing the crowd. “Yeah! We’ve fought our share of monsters, we can handle Ponyville, no sweat!”

I return my attention to the crowd. “See? You have plenty of heroes living right here, you can rest assured that you will always be protected by these brave ponies... And Rainbow Dash.”

“Hey!”

Chapter 47

My speech done, and Ponyville now aware of my sexual disinterest, I decide to check on Fluttershy. I haven’t talked to her since I was committed, so I might as well see how she’s doing.

I make my way towards her cottage, it’s a bit far though, so I decide to speed up a bit. I make decent time, getting to her front door in about five minutes. I knock on the door, and wait for the usual slow, cautious hello.

Instead, a thin slot opens in the door, and a pair of fearful, cyan eyes look out, sweeping back and forth until they settle on me. Almost like magic, the fear disappears, and Fluttershy opens the door. “Anthony! You’re up and about! Ooh, are you in pain? Do you need help? Come in, you can lay down on the couch.” Fluttershy seems worried about something, in my estimation.

“If it’s about my cast, I’m perfectly fine, ‘Shy. As long as I don’t bang my arm, there’s no problem.”

She sucks in a breath of relief. “Oh, thank goodness... oh, but please, come in. I was about to start dinner. Did you need something?”

“Nah, I just came by to say hi, see how you’re do-”

“I’m fine!” Shy’s response was rather too quick, especially for the shy pegasus, and her grin was a little too forced. Instead of the small, pleasant smile I was used to, I’m instead getting the full cheshire treatment again. What is it with ponies and giving disturbingly large smiles to me?

“Jeez, and I thought Sweetie Belle was a bad liar.” I muttered, before continuing, louder. “Alright, what are you hiding?” I walk inside.

Fluttershy looks rather worse for wear once I’m inside. There’s faint patches under her eyes, as if she hasn’t been sleeping so well, and her movements are a little more jittery than normal, which also feeds back to the not-sleeping prognosis. Several animals are standing protectively near her, but aren’t doing more than giving me dirty looks for disturbing their mistress.

“So what’s wrong? You don’t look so good. You have a cold?” I decide to play dumb, see if she’ll admit her troubles.

“I- uhm... n-no...” Suddenly, her eyes are full of tears, and she’s stuck like a limpet to my chest, bawling her eyes out. “W-why would somepony be so me-hee-hee-ean?” Her tearful question was broken by her sudden and strong crying.

“Who, Fluttershy? Who’s being mean? What did they do?”

“Th-that monster you had t- to- t- k- k- to kill.” She sniffled, a loud messy affair with all the snot dribbling from her nostrils. I didn’t even want to think about what Rarity was going to do to me when she saw the crusty remains of this. “He j- just hurt ponies, and now Rumble’s dad isn’t going to walk ever again...”

“Well... he was... a demon. They don’t exist in my world except in fiction, but they are evil. They hurt and kill people for the sole sake of causing pain and misery. Some stories say doing so makes them stronger and meaner.” I curled my arms around her protectively, trying to help her feel better by patting her on the back.

“That thing... he was human once. And, I suppose that he still was in a way. Just one that was sick in the head.”

She looked up at me, eyes still watery and nose still snotty. “H- humans get like that when you’re sick?” I noted the pronoun change, and paired with the increase in pressure from her grip.

“No, not naturally. There was something that made him change. When I said he was sick, I meant he was disturbed... er, well.” I sigh. “He was insane. His brain was messed up. Humans are... violent by nature. We fight and hurt others, but most of us have moral standings that tell us hurting others is wrong.” I look down at the ground. “But that person had a different moral standing... he enjoyed killing and hurting. I don’t know how he became a monster like that, but there are people like that in my world, but they’re still normal humans on the outside. We call them psychopaths.”

Fluttershy was still crying, but calmed down. “So... you won’t end up like that?”

“No, I won’t, but I guess that’s an example of what evil humans can become if given the chance. We aren’t all nice, but most of us try to be.”

Fluttershy looked a bit sad, still having tears in her eyes, but she wasn’t crying anymore. “W- would you like to stay for dinner?”

“I’d like that a lot.” I give her a gentle squeeze and set her down and she leads me to the table. In a few minutes, we’re sitting down with plates of fish salad and talking about animals.

“I have to say, as much as I like mammals, I’ve always found reptiles and amphibians fascinating.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I even spent a few months at a nonprofit center that took care of hurt or homeless frogs toads, turtles and tortoises.”

“Oh I just love turtles! Aren’t they adorable?”

“Yeah, and they make the cutest faces, even if some people don’t think they have emotions.”

“Perhaps they just need to get to know the turtles, they show plenty of emotion.”

“I agree. But as for the most adaptable creatures, I’d have to say birds.”

“Really? Why’s that?”

We continue our chat all throughout our meal and even a while after that. Before we know it, it’s nighttime. I offer to stay the night to keep her company, and she agrees completely. She didn’t want me to be walking around near the Everfree forest at night. I mentally question why she lives so close to the forest once more, but I assume she has her reasons so I don’t bother asking. At least not this time. Fluttershy sets up a place for me to sleep on the couch, but I decide to stay with her in her room until she falls asleep.

I don’t know any lullaby’s and I can’t sing anyway, so I just decide to use a bedtime story instead. I read

Howard the Fluffy Bunny until she’s asleep. Once I finish the story, I take a look at the sleeping pegasus.

She’s all tucked in, her hooves partly above the covers, a small sweet smile on her face. Seeing her peacefully sleeping like that makes me feel... really nice. She’s safe, her worries are over, and she can rest easy. I give in to the moment and give her a gentle kiss her on the forehead before I get up to leave. I take one last look at her from the doorway. She's absolutely adorable...

I head downstairs and to the couch. It took a lot of effort to convince ‘Shy that I was perfectly fine with just the couch. I wasn’t even sure if we could both fit in her bed anyways. I pull up my blanket, and eventually I drift off to sleep.

I wake up when I feel something on my chest. I groggily open my eyes and suddenly I see a pair of very angry eyes staring at me.

“Woah!” I roll over and end up face-first on the floor, my nose hurts but I’m awake. I look up and I see the same pair of angry eyes, this time accompanied by a smug grin attached to the body of a small white rabbit, it’s tiny arms folded in superiority.

I got punked, by a fucking rabbit! I pick him up and plan on cooking myself some bunny breakfast, but then Fluttershy walks in. “Oh, there you are, Angel! Saying hello to Anthony?”

I sigh inwardly. I can’t do this to one of Fluttershy’s animal friends. I just put the rabbit back on the ground and he hops towards Fluttershy, and she picks him up, cradling him like a baby. “I was about to make some breakfast, would you like to join me, Anthony?”

“Breakfast sounds nice. Of course I’ll join you.”

“Alright, what would you like?” I think for a moment, but the I just give her a shrug.

“Surprise me, I’m not picky.”

Fluttershy nods and walks to the kitchen to prepare our meal. After a few minutes ‘Shy calls me to the table.

“I wasn’t sure exactly what you’d like, so I hope this is okay.” She puts a plate in front of me and it’s a large omelette. It smells absolutely incredible. Peppers, mushrooms, cheese, onions, tomatoes... the only thing it didn’t have was ham, but that’s forgivable, given Fluttershy’s opinion on eating pigs.

“Do you like it?”

“This is perfect, ‘Shy.” I give her a quick hug and begin my meal. It’s even better than I expected, and by the time I’m finished, I feel the urge to ask for another, quelled only by the fact that I’m full. We continue chatting about animals and such while she eats.

“You know so much about animals, have you ever thought of becoming a professional veterinarian?”

“Oh, no! I couldn’t expect money for helping all of these animals!”

“Alright, if you say so, I just think you’d do an amazing job.”

After a while, I decide it’s time I left. I thank Fluttershy for the omelette again and walk out the door, heading for Carousel Boutique. I hadn’t forgotten about that bit of information Rarity had promised me. Now I really want to know.

Unfortunately, it’s still rather early in the morning, so I decide to find something to do. I then remember I’m out of coal. Not even half a lump for emergencies. I head over to the train station. I had already kind of quit my job there a while ago, I just didn’t really need the money as much as I thought. Perhaps the best gift I could have received as a hero would be an unlimited use free train pass to wherever the trains went.

I’ll think about how I could get one later. For now...

I get on the train and sneak some coal out. Turning it all into dust, I manage to pack about four and a half lumps into my pouch. Satisfied that I should have enough for at least medium-sized tools, I take my leave. There’s honestly not much to do this early in the morning, so I just end up walking around town, trying to think of something I could do to pass the time.

Looking in each direction, I decide to simply start walking down a randomly chosen street.There’s much fewer ponies on this road, and I keep walking, resisting the urge to whistle a jaunty tune. Last time I did, it took Fluttershy’s help to get the birds to stop roosting on me.

The sun was just peeking up, enough to have a bright morning, without being right in my eyes anymore. The pegasi were already working the weather over to prepare it for the day. Looking at their efforts and what I recalled of the weather schedule for the week, it’s probably going to be an overcast, but generally bright and rainless day.

One of the pegasi waves at me for a moment before going back to work, and I wave back. Ponyville is really nice, when it isn’t being ransacked by random monsters and disasters.

Finally, I find my feet have brought me to a large, luscious park. There’s carefully tended trees, flower beds, and green grass. Many of the trees are flowering, including a large weeping willow bending gracefully over a large pond. Several park benches sat here and there, near the few jogging paths scattered about.

Laying on her back, a mare was on one of the benches, staring up at the sky above her. A lone butterfly had settled onto her nose, and she was smiling gently at it. The mare had a seafoam coat and was wearing a warm-looking hoodie. A simple harp was propped against the bench next to her, and one of her hooves dangled over it.

Not having anything better to do, I decide to walk over. “Heya, what’s your name?”

The mare’s eyes flickered over to me. “Hello. I’m Lyra. though I suppose names are just things we call each other. Visual displays are so much more interesting to watch.” Her gaze returned to the little butterfly on her nose, which still hadn’t moved. The butterfly flared its wings for a moment, revealing a pair of harp-shaped marks on the undersides of the wings, before it flapped away.

The seafoam mare rolled sideways, toppling off the bench and onto her hooves in a graceful, almost boneless manner.

“Well, that’s something you don’t see every day. You get a lot of practice doing that?”

“Laying on my stomach hinders my ability to think by almost forty percent.” She looked me up and down. “You are bored, searching for something to do, and wandered here without conscious thought.”

“Let me guess, you’re the town oracle?” I check her flank for an image of a crystal ball or something, but it’s just a gold harp like the one she had with her.

“No, I’m an entomologist. And smart. Did you know, music is a numerical formula? By the look in your eyes when I said that, I’d guess you’ve already heard that view.” All the guessing was leaving me a bit peeved, I’d like to have a part in the conversation, too.

“Hey, I like math, numbers are fun, and music being numbers makes a lot more sense to me, honestly.”

“Of course you do, you’re only fitting in here in Ponyville because we’re all odd in some way or another here.” She grinned broadly. “I’m a master-grade musician and have been since I could physically hold an instrument, and I prefer to look at centipedes. Which only have about thirty-seven pairs of legs, in spite of the name.”

“Well, aren’t you knowledgeable. So, you know what I’m doing, or rather, not doing here. What about you?”

“Clarsach Butterflies only show up in Ponyville once a year. they’re very rare, and have no place in any ecosystem they’ve been encountered in. Their caterpillars are laid wherever they wander during their migrations, and eat any kind of leaves they can find and are too toxic for natural predators to eat. So I catch them and feed them to my terra-tula.”

“Uh... do you mean ‘tarantula’?”

“No, terra-tulas are mineraloids, but have many spider-like properties.” she tilted her head in thought. “Such as being spiders, with stone armor in place of the normal chitin.”

“Mineraloids? Dang, you certainly have interesting creatures. The only rock monsters humans have are all fictitious.”

Lyra shrugged. “Terra-tulas aren’t monsters; that’s a different classification altogether. Although, tecto-rantulas are classified as ‘great-monsters’, or kaiju.”

That surprised me. “Uh... I assume you mean ‘kaiju’ as in ‘it’s very very very big’?”

“Yes. Most mountains that are permanently dormant are actually tecto-rantulas. They sleep a lot, but some dragons remember losing parents and elders to them. For some reason, dragons don’t like tecto-rantulas.”

“Well, I wouldn’t like something that ate my parents, personally.”

Lyra looks at me pointedly. “Well, that seems prejudiced. how you like it if your food disagreed with you, just because you were eating it? I’m sure seeing screaming cauliflower would throw off your appetite.” Strangely, her smile hasn’t left her face. I can’t tell if she’s teasing me, having an honest debate, or some combination of the two.

“Well, the fact that it screams wouldn’t matter, I don’t like cauliflower in the first place.” I stick my tongue out.

Lyra nods sagely, then climbs onto the bench, sitting up into a position that looks supremely uncomfortable for ponies: like a human. She pats the bench beside her, indicating for me to sit down.

“Well, I suppose that is a wise choice. Cauliflower sometimes contains vegetables, there's usually a high chance of that.” She reminds me of someone, I just know it, but I can’t put my finger on it.

“Well, you certainly are an interesting pony. Probably the most interesting I’ve met so far...”

“Probably because I’m ‘whimsical’, as most ponies say. Oh, would you like me to play a song? I brought my lyre, but I haven’t gotten around to playing it today. It wouldn’t do to become rusty and maybe crack a spring.” I have no idea if she’s being serious, lost in thought, or what, but the idea of a relatively private music number seems nice.

“Sure, let’s see what ya got.” I sit back, and wait for her to begin.

The harp hovers into her grip, and she begins to play. Instead of plucking the strings with magic, though. she instead uses her hooves. I’m not really sure how, but she does. A strange, haunting melody begins to pour forth from the instrument.

I just stay still, and wait until she’s finished. Once she’s done, I speak up. “That was beautiful. I don’t know how you ponies can do things like that with hooves, but I guess that just makes it more impressive to me.”

“Harmony guides all things. Some of us are guided more strictly, and others...” she trailed off, staring at the instrument in her hooves. “Some of us help guide harmony.” she looked up at me, and smiled again. What she said next, I’ll never understand how she did it. How she knew, or how she could’ve found out, or anything.

Somehow, she called me by my real name, first and last.

Chapter 48

I stumbled away from Lyra, completely terrified. How could she have known? It wasn’t possible, shouldn’t be possible. And she still had that small, knowing smile as she looked at me, as if totally unconcerned with my panic.

“Wh- who are you?” I actually Spark up on instinct, my body knows I’m flipping out.

“I am Lyra Virtuoso Heartstrings.” She said, smile not leaving her face, her amber eyes holding steady with my own.

“I- I... How?” That’s all I can think of to say, nothing else comes to my paralyzed mind. “How?”

“Harmony has a voice, however faint. I speak back. And so the world turns.” I get the strangest feeling she’s being purposefully obtuse now.

“No, really. How do you know my name? Both of them!?” Again, on instinct, I enter a defensive pose, as if my mind thinks she’s dangerous. Hell, for all I know, she is.

“Because your heart speaks...” she stops, snickers for a moment. “No, I’m not going to say that. But I knew the same way a fawn knows to stand and run in danger, and how you know how to keep your powers from backlashing against you lethally each time you use them.”

“L- lethal... I know I get tired but...” I think about it. Even when I’m producing flames hot enough to melt flesh, my technically perfectly normal human body... resists. Holy shit, I could kill myself in an instant!

“Novas aren’t your biggest danger, little star. Have you ever considered what your body should be undergoing when you get so large? I know you know of the square-cube law, even if most of ponykind hasn’t learned it yet.”

“How the hell do you know... oh forget it. Yeah, but I can’t enter my Star form when I’m giant, it’s a separate power entirely!” I pause. “Isn’t it?”

“What happens when a star is dying?” The question catches me off guard, and I have to think a moment before the answer hits me.

“It... it get’s huge, and then... it starts to shrink... and it... oh shit...”

“Or, if its power is great enough, it turns itself into the basis of life itself... I’m sure you’re familiar with what you’d call ‘element number six’, yes? Most often encountered as...?” She trailed off, her smile still one of benign humor.

“C- carbon...?” I reach my hand to my pouch of coal. No way. No fucking way! I summon some of the coal out of the pouch and shift it into various forms. I give a sigh of defeat and return it to the pouch.

“Diamonds don’t form in stars, though. Oh! but you should come visit us sometime. I’m sure mother would help with that.” Lyra smiled again, beginning to fade out. Where she’d been standing was, instead, a pony-shaped hole into the night sky. “See you later, little star.”

The patch of night faded into day, and there was no evidence of Lyra anywhere. It took me several minutes to think again, and I remembered that Lyra is also the name for a constellation.

“Oh, man... this is heavy...” I need to calm down, I can’t seem to keep my brain on one thought process at a time.

I spy, off to the side, one thing proving that the pony was actually here. The plain harp had turned to gold, and was leaning against the bench. I pick it up, studying it. The shadowed portions of it seem to be windows into night sky instead of actual shadows. I decide to take it with me. Maybe someone can tell me what the heck just happened.

I figure I can learn more about that later. Right now, I just want to feel normal. Well, as normal as I can get in Equestria. I recall I wanted to get Rarity to tell me her little secret crush, so I head off to Carousel Boutique. It would be a long walk from here, but I’m not sure if I feel comfortable using any of my powers at the moment...

My face must’ve shown my discomfort, because I heard a steady ‘poing, poing’ from beside me as I walked a few minutes into the journey. I looked over to see Pinkie, who was looking at me with worry.

I figure I don’t want to scare her or anything, so I just smile and act like everything’s fine. I hope I look sincere. “Heya, Pinkie. Watcha doin’?”

“Anthony, if you’re not alright, you’re always welcome to hang out with me.” She looks up at me with those clear blue eyes of hers, and I feel like I’d barely put any effort into faking happiness. Stupid, perceptive pink ponies...

“Well... fine. I’m not alright, but I think I’ll just think about it on my own at first, but if I need someone to talk to, you know I’ll come see you, alright?” I give her a quick hug, which she returns, hopping up to nuzzle my neck as well. I mentally remind myself that while it is morning, I can always get a lumberjack. Stupid morning wood. Stupid pink princess ponies. I can’t even enjoy being around my friends the same now... I need an actual girlfriend.

I let go of Pinkie and, assuring her that I’ll be fine, I return to my trek towards Carousel Boutique. It’s such a shame that the rest of the Berry’s Punch is certainly spoiled by now.

Pinkie waves a reluctant goodbye, and I finally arrive at the boutique. Knocking on the door, I wait outside, fitfully glancing up at the sky and hoping the stars aren’t watching me. Thinking back on that thought, I think I may have developed paranoia in the last thirty minutes or so.

The door opens, but instead of Rarity opening the door, I look down to see Sweetie Belle looking up at me, the faintest signs of bed-head marring her normally perfect curls. It is adorable, especially with the sleepy look in her tired eyes and the little pajama shirt she’s wearing.

“Hi there, Sweetie. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“Rarity’s just being stupid again, so I couldn’t sleep too good. I think she said something about a project idea, and needing to meet with the diamond dogs again. ‘M so tired...”

“Well, why don’t you just go back up to your room and get some rest? Wait... what’s a diamond dog?” I think back to the Mineraloid classification Lyra brought up.

“Mmph, they’re a type of troll, Twilight said. Rarity is pack alpha or something.” She yawned squeakily, like a small dog or cat that’s been up too long. “at least, thas’ wha she tol’ me...”

I decide to take pity on the filly, and I pick her up and walk inside quietly. Finding her room shouldn’t be that hard. Sure enough, there’s a macaroni art picture of ‘Sweetie’s Room’ with a  gilded plaque beneath saying the same, but with tiny little gems the same color as Sweetie’s mane on the polished white surface. Sweetie’s and Rarity’s work, respectively, I’d guess.

I open the door and, being very quiet, take the filly to her bed and put her down. “Sleep well, Sweetie.” The filly just yawns and curls up into a tiny ball under the sheets, now holding a little stuffed Rarity toy.

I carefully step out of the messy room, stuffed animals and all sorts of other toys scattered around. It reminds me of my room, back home, though with much less legos.

I wince as my foot steps instead on the spire of a block tower set, and realize that tin blocks are far more painful and sharp than legos are, on average.

Edging out, I gently close the door and return to the first floor. I’m not sure if I should stay here and wait for Rarity - she had said she was working on something when I’d stopped by yesterday - or wander off towards Twilight’s house and bug her for a little while. She might be able to explain the star-pony reading my mind or whatever had happened, in a way that will calm me down. Or make me freak out more, depending on what the explanation is.

Deciding I can come back later, I head for Golden Oaks. Rarity’s little secret isn’t going anywhere, and I can check on her later.

Trekking down the road, I wave and give a pseudo-cheery smile to the ponies along the way. Most wave back, but I notice some of the earth ponies looking at me worriedly. Maybe they’re just better at reading body language or something.

Once I’ve made my way to the library, which is once more filtering nothing but golden light, I push open the door, and step in, stooping under the doorway as usual.

The entirety of the main room is barren of any ponies, only Spike, sweeping while wearing a frilly pink apron, is here. When he sees me, he points a thumb over his shoulder towards the basement door. “Hey, Twilight wanted to chat with you. Something about ‘unprecedented scientific progress’ and ‘xenological studies of a meaningful nature’. I’d suggest being ready to run, she’s in one of those moods.” He went back to sweeping, whistling quietly as he worked.

I shrugged and headed down to the basement anyway. I suppose a scientific discussion would be nice. I walk down the wooden steps. It’s strange.The area is definitely under the tree, but seems to have wood paneling on the walls to imply that you’re still inside the main tree itself... Kinda neat.

“Ah, you’re here Anthony! You’re two hours and forty-seven minutes sooner than expected, but that’s alright! I’ve had my pots of coffee, and I am ready for science!” Pots of coffee? I’m seriously rethinking coming down here of my own free will.

“Uh... yeah, hi. Spike said you were doing something about xenological study, and I assume you mean me, as I’m the most alien thing in Ponyville as far as I’m aware.”

“hmm? Oh, yes, that too. I was wanting to do some studies on your powers and maybe ask about your cultural history and backgrounds and if anything significant had happened in your world recently enough to precipitate your longitudinal transfer through the interstitial matrices to this plane of existence!” I reach the bottom of the stairs to see Twilight in the middle of a high-ceilinged lab, with tasteful walnut panelling. The pony is wearing a long labcoat and a pair of intimidating welding goggles, along with the widest grin I’ve seen yet. Flanking her on either side are large glass cylinders, one of which contained a sedately grinning Pinkie Pie.

I run over and hug her. “Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to hear someone say those words and know exactly what they’re talking about! I was beginning to think I’d given up on having an intelligent conversation!”

Twilight squees. “Well, then, you are to be referred to as ‘subject zero-zero’ during the testing, and if you could sign on this waiver here...” Twilight’s magic held up a clipboard with a seven-page legal document detailing all the events that she wasn’t liable for, most of which I didn’t understand. I did read as much of it as I could, though. I wasn’t going to agree to have my internal organs sucked out and put back.

After reading the mind bogglingly large number of extremely esoteric possibilities, including ‘accidental cranial wormhole insertion’ I come up with an idea. I will sign it, but still have a plan. I sign it as ‘patient 00’ as Twilight said I’d be referred to during the proceedings. Ha.

“Perfect! you even signed it, and this document has arcane bindings to make sure that it’s the intent that binds, not the writing. I’m no newbie to lab experiments!” Her grin, if anything, was worryingly wider. “Now get in the giant tube-thingy! It’s science time!”

“Well played, Twilight. Well played...” I narrow my eyes, arms crossed. I walk up to the tube aside from Pinkie’s. I’m probably going to find out what she’s there for in a few moments, so I don’t bother asking.

“The first test is... getting in! It’s currently hermetically sealed, with eleven different atmosphere-processing glyphs to maintain a perfectly balanced and sterile environment. Air included.”

I think for a moment, before sparking up and turning intangible, and knocking on the tube with my fist. My hand goes straight through the thick glass, with less resistance than normal.

“Heh, cake.” I chuckle and walk right into the tube, then power down.

“Perfect!” Twilight says, looking over a mountain of data pouring from the machines. “hmm, a surge in emotion magic, a pulse of stellar energies, and some cosmic radiation bleed-off. Interesting... Alright, next test. Your containment unit is connected to Pinkie’s. I’m going to pour in a thin layer of conductive gel, and you’ll put forth enough of a charge for Pinkie to feel it, no more. We’re not trying for hurting anypony, after all.”

“Aw, what fun is safe science?” I ask sarcastically. “Fine, I’ll set myself on ‘joybuzzer’ then.”

Twilight looks at me with a look of derision. “Crude jokes about sexual implements is not welcome in the scientific workplace, Anthony.” She smacks a button on the dashboard in front of her. Sure enough, a greenish, mostly clear, viscous semi-fluid bubbles up from tiny vents on the floor, and I can feel a very slight current already in it.

I charge up some electricity, staying out of my Dynamo form, not entirely aware of what doing so might result in. Once I’ve got about fifty volts charged up, enough for a large startle, but not pain, I release it, and it travels through my body into the goo.

Pinkie yelps, then begins to giggle. “Hee hee hee! Stop! It tickles!” She’s now rolling in the goo, a bright smile on her face. She’s now completely covered in a gooey cocoon.

“Pinkie! Don’t play in that! It’s a vital scientific testing material! Conductivity Gel may be the cheapest of the six gels I buy from Passage Scientific Laboratories, but it’s still not cheap!”

“She’s right, Pinkie. You never know what could happen...” I grin and send a much lighter charge, only about 30 volts, into the gel at my feet to give Pinkie another electric tickle. I assume the conductivity increases with how much your body is in contact with, and I don’t want to hurt her.

Pinkie begins thrashing, flailing, and laughing at the top of her lungs. Blobs of the barely-greenish gel get splattered onto the inside of the glass cylinder by the pony. Once I stop channeling, she lays there on the bottom, panting, heaving in breaths, and giggling. Twilight is looking impatient and mildly upset, but also like she’s holding back her own giggles.

“Well, we needed to find out what happens if I lower the voltage while the other subject is mostly covered in the gel, didn’t we?” I grin, my excuse a very thin veil for my little prank.

“No, but I suppose it’s good data either way...” Twilight rolls her eyes indulgently, and motions to the two of us. “Alright, I’ll initiate the cleansing system. I’ll also be isolating Pinkie, because the next test is to see how high you can go with your voltage, amperage, and ohms.”

“Gotcha, just tell me when.”

A torrent of icey-cold water sprays from the top of the cylinder, causing me to yelp in surprise, my Spark extinguishing at the shock. The water quickly turns to a more normal warm, but I can see Twilight smirking triumphantly from her little science station.

Once the goo is washed off and the water has sluiced away, Twilight tells me to begin charging my electricity for thirty seconds, or until I can’t handle it any more. She also says to direct the discharge at the electrodes on the back of the glass tube. I turn around, and there is a pair of wide metal plates on the back, like thin steel stickers.

I memorize the position of the electrodes, and then enter my Dynamo form. If I’m supposed to go all out, I’m gonna need to really focus. I concentrate on the electricity flowing through me. I close my eyes, and push as much effort into the power generation as I can. I’ll probably feel pretty tired, but I want to know my upper limits just as much as Twilight does.

I can hear loose electricity crackling across my skin, and the sharp tang of ozone spikes through my nose. Behind my tightly-clenched eyes, I’m starting to see stars. Not as in the stars I’d be seeing if I was simply holding my eyes closed. I’m seeing literal stars, specks of burning light and gas flaring and beautiful. Coronal flares the size of continents pass by my vision as it feels like I’m zooming away, and the stars fade into galaxies, the silent blackness of space in all directions, until a faint light begins to fade in at the edges, resolving itself into-

With a cry, the charge I’ve been building up begins to hurt too bad for me to concentrate, and I unload all of the energy I’d gathered into the twin electrodes. I open my eyes a crack, and see that the glass is now sagging around a hand-shaped glowing spot in the metal that had once been the electrodes.

Silence fills the chamber, and I realize I can’t hear or smell anything.

I blink and look around, my starry form shifting gently in the absence of input, my hair drifting eerily from the months of growth in a strangely weightless environment. I try to ask Twilight what’s going on, but no sound comes out. She’s just staring, stupefied, at the console in front of her. The needle that is supposed to be tracking the data has bent all the way up above the machine from trying to reach the height of the spike.

I feel tired. Not like when I was fighting the demon, more like a drained tired. I look up at Twilight, bracing myself inside the tube.

I can’t seem to turn off my Spark, and I keep trying to speak to get her attention. Finally, I try speaking with my Spark, unable to think of anything else. I don’t want to go into the wooden library if I’m still hot enough to put an inch-deep handprint in two-inch glass at a touch.

<TWILIGHT. WOAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY VOICE?> I look out to see Twilight jerk her head up at the sound of my modified vocalizations. She tries to say something, but I can’t hear her in the slightest. I think I know what’s going on, now that I think about it. I may have just completely removed the air inside the testing tube!

<I CAN’T HEAR YOU, BUT YOU CAN HEAR ME. I THINK I JUST SHOCKED THE AIR MOLECULES OUT OF THE TUBE. HOW CAN I GET OUT SAFELY?> Twilight nodded at my assertion about the atmosphere, and looked around. After a moment, she pulled out a simple chalkboard and a piece of chalk.

‘I think you can just step out, you’re not radiating heat anymore’ she wrote, before erasing it to clear the board. ‘are you still have enough power to’ she erased the words and tried again. ‘Do you think you have enough power to go intangible again?’

Rather than answering, I just try anyway. I make myself intangible again to get out. I step out,and the moment my body is fully clear of the glass, I feel my Spark flicker out again, and I drop into the reams of spare paper, feeling exhausted. At least this time, I didn’t just go unconscious. that can’t be healthy...

“So... tired...” I snuggle into the cozy paper, and close my eyes, dreaming of stars and galaxies and patches of green on the edges of space...

Chapter 49

I yawn, stretching slightly. I’m laying on what feels like a hammock, and a nearby machine is beeping and clicking.

“Huh... what?” I try to prop myself up with my arms, but it’s been so long since I’ve been in a hammock, I forgot how to position myself, and I end up on my back again.

“Ooh, you’re awake!” I see Pinkie’s head suddenly fill my vision, her face expressing relief. She leans forward and nuzzles my nose with hers, filling my nostrils with the scent of fresh baked goods.

“Heh, good morning to you too... is it morning? How long have I been out? What was my energy output?” I’m feeling really chipper, like I’ve slept a perfect eight hours.

“Silly, you’ve only been out for an hour.” Huh, weird. “but Twilight looked at the clicky-thingy, and it went ‘kwapoing!’ and she said ‘Oh no!’ and I said ‘What’s up?’ and she said ‘it’s off the charts!’ and I asked ‘how far?’ and she said ‘I don’t know, this machine can’t register past eight thousand kilothaums of output!’ and I said ‘over eight thousand? That’s crazy!’ and then she looked at the machine again, and said, ‘wait, no, it goes to fifteen thousand.’ and I whistled and said ‘That’s even more!’ And then-”

Pinkie’s mouth is shut by a violet glow, and I look over to see that Twilight, still in her long labcoat and goggles, had shut Pinkie’s mouth.

“What she means to say is that you put out at least three times as much energy as the system was designed to handle. Youre amperage was measured in mega-amps, and the device measure ohms just broke and caught on fire. You put a handprint in a diamond-matrix casing.”

I grin. “Heh, guess I’m too hot to handle. In all seriousness, though... Dang. This is dangerous...”

“You also produced a spike of cosmic radiation that, if you hadn’t been in the chamber, would’ve scoured the laboratory clean of anything more durable than stone. Theoretically, I’ve never seen that large of a cosmic burst in my life.”

“Wow... I’m not sure if I want to test my fire powers. Who knows what I’d destroy...”

“Well, there is one more test you can do, if you feel up to it, and it’d be pretty safe. We don’t even need a containment chamber.”

I fake a depressed look. “Awww, but unsafe science is the fun science...”

Twilight looks sharply back at me, and I feel a little bad. I basically just gave off a barely-contained gamma radiation burst in her lab, maybe I shouldn’t be pushing the unsafe practices joke right now.

“Er... generally speaking?” I sigh. “I don’t want to see anything damaged, alright? I just like a bit of danger sometimes. What’s the test?”

“I just hand you a testing spike meant for calculating lightning bolt output, and then we see how long you can channel for. Just a little bit, though, you blew out in fourteen seconds with the big jolt.”

“Dang, that’s some quick charge rate... alright.” I take the proffered strip of metal, holding it in my left hand. As I do, I notice that my cast is slightly singed, and my clothes are charred around the edges. Rarity is never going to forgive me for that.

“Guess I’ll have to go in for a new cast at some point. Alright, let’s do this.” I don’t bother charging up any and just push the current into the metal. I wonder how much energy that is, without charging.

“Alright, you’re holding steady at fifteen volts, and the clock is started.” Twilight says. “So, may I ask you some questions?”

“Sure, what do you want to know?”

“Well, you said that there was several billion humans on your planet, and no other sentient species. You also mentioned that you don’t have any magic. Am I on track, so far?” I nod “Alright, what I want to know... Ahem, if there aren’t any competition for the dominant sentient life form, what drives your scientific progress, besides curiosity? Pony, Gryphon, and Minotaur cultures all grow most rapidly in times of war, but if there’s nobody else to make war on...”

While she doesn’t end with an actual question, I get the gist of what she’s asking. “Yeah. We fight each other. On a near-constant basis, actually. We’re a war-like species by nature and violence is in our genetics, despite being a strange form of ‘pack’ species. We’re also kind of a herd species, too, but it’s complicated.”

Twilight scribbled down some notes, checked to make sure I was still outputting a charge, and asked her next question. “What sort of family structure is common amongst humans? Do you tend to follow more of a group-mating, like cows? Or is it more of a pairing system, like with predatory birds? Or something more exotic, like with skinks or cuttlefish?”

“Well, we’re mainly monogamist, and our families stay together until the child is mature, about eighteen or twenty years old. There are a few exceptions, and there are plenty of cases of single parents, but it’s usually two parents and one to two children.”

“Hmm, so you raise your children for an extended period of time. Do the parents usually split up after the children are raised? Or is it more of a life-bonding, like with swans and alicorns?”

“Well... that’s where it gets complicated. It’s technically a life-bond, but sometimes, usually during the raising of the children, one parent might leave, usually because they no longer feel compatible with their chosen partner. So they get a divorce. This is how the single-parent situation normally comes around” I decide to save the possibility of ‘birth from rape’ for another time.

Twilight ‘hmm’d and scribbled more down, checking my output once more. “Alright, I suppose that’s enough from that subject. What sort of power, of any kind, develop naturally in humans?”

“If you mean like magic, or mine, or anything aside from just muscle growth over time or by exercise, absolutely none.”

Twilight hrmm’d once more, and scribbled down more notes. “You stated you have no magic where you came from, but you recognized it on sight. How so?”

“Well, we have magic and such, but it’s all in our fiction. I’ve been an avid reader of various forms of fiction, and so I can understand magic, even if I’ve never been physically introduced to it. In fact, the excuse most of us humans use for things we can’t explain is that it’s caused by magic. At least until a scientific resolution is found, that is.”

“Odd. Why would you assume it’s something you can’t experience? That seems kind of pointless. Any pony would agree that something should be able to be experienced to be believable, even if only one pony can ever experience it.”

“That’s the way I see it, but everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and boy do we have impressive imaginations as a species. We just don’t understand something, and since we don’t understand magic, we assume that it’s related. We explain it by connecting it to something we can’t explain. I find it very lazy and rather obnoxious, personally, but it’s normal for humanity.”

“Strange. Also, your output has been almost perfectly steady this whole time, are you still fine?”

“Yeah, I’m good, I can't even feel if there is a drain at the moment. Got any other questions?”

“Hmm, yes. I suppose this is more directed at you, and less your culture, though. If anything upsets you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, just say so, and I’ll move on, okay?”

“No problem, what do ya wanna know?”

“Well, first off, would you say you’re an average member of your species, powers aside?”

“If you don’t count the three levels of mental ‘retardation’ I ‘suffer’ from, I’d say yes.”

“You’re considered mentally retarded for your species? That’s... incredible! The rest must be absolute genius-”

I fall over laughing, accidentally taking my hand off the metal. “Oh boy, heck no! I’m one of the straight thinkers.” I wait until my laughter subsides. “No. It’s only called retardation because it’s different. Our species has the bad habit of equating abnormality with deficiency. I have ADHD, Autism, all that fun stuff, and our culture usually depicts that as very bad. According to them, I should be a brain-dead vegetable!”

Twilight looked at me with concern, no mirth in her eyes. “What’s ADHD and Autism?”

Whoo boy. Big topic.

“Well, ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It means I have a lot of energy, and have problems focusing. This means that, according to the descriptive words used, I am impossible to keep a coherent conversation with.”

“Well, I think that’s an incorrect prognosis. And many pegasi and earth ponies exhibit similar symptoms, though that’s just considered being a thaumically strong member of those species. Pinkie, for example, practically radiates thaumic energy, but I have no idea what effect this has on anything beyond being a very basic structure for an explanation behind her mild precognition.”

“Well...” I pick up Pinkie and rest her on my lap. “That’s where ponies and humans differ. Since it’s mainly showed in emotion and such, and we don’t have magic, we decide it’s all mental. And because, as I said, humans see difference as a bad thing, they’d treat Pinkie as if she were insane and unstable.”

Pinkie looks up at me, eyes gone gigantic and a huge pouty face in the making. I could almost see the edges of her eyes waver, like a cartoon character.

“I on the other hand, fully understand that it doesn’t affect her and know that she’s just as smart as the rest of us. And because of that, I’m different from most humans as I’m a bit more accepting.”

Pinkie smiles again, almost literally brightening the room. Stupid Cadence, now I have to shift her off my lap again. I’m starting to dislike Cadence, as nice as she is.

“Autism is a general term for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors.” I take a deep breath before continuing.

“Autism can be associated with intellectual disability, difficulties in motor coordination and attention and physical health issues such as sleep. Although some people with autism excel in visual skills, music, math and art like me, aside from the art. I can’t draw worth crap.. Unfortunately, since we see difference as bad, whenever autism is referred to, humans assume that the 'affected' fall into the former category. This is why technically, I would be considered completely useless as a person.”

Twilight looks at me curiously. “So, wait, you’re telling me these traits occur naturally, and humans try to repress them? Unicorns take decades of careful work to cultivate traits like that!” She looks almost scared for me, like she’s wishing she could just pull me in and mother me ‘till I’m better.

“Yeah, humans are jerks. We’re mentally set to hate each other for some reason, so we always see anything or anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of ‘the normality’ as something to be ostracized. I of course don’t because I’m affected with this, and my brain works differently. I wouldn’t say I’m smarter, but I definitely have a very different viewpoint.” I sigh. “No, I’m not a normal human, and I am very very glad for that.”

Twilight nods, then writes down more notes. She’s already about ten pages in. “Well, I suppose my next question is pretty simple: What are the other subspecies of humanity like? I assume they’re probably pretty isolated from each other, given what you’ve said of their xenophobic traits, but I’m interested on anything you know.” her quill is dipped intot eh inkpot, and then hoveres in anticipation over the papers.

“Well... human isn’t an umbrella term. If you are human, you’re a human. We all have the same general shape. No difference. Sure body shape such as muscle tone or skin color may differ, but that’s all genetic. If you are human, you are just human.”

“Huh. Well... uhm, that kind of dries up several of the other questions I had, one moment.” Twilight pulls out a few loose notecards, flicking through them quickly while Pinkie and I had a boop-war, trying to poke each other’s nose without being booped in return.

We stopped when Twilight snorted in derision and rolled her eyes, smiling the whole while. “And you wonder why the townsponies thought you might be interested in them. Anyways, another I find interesting is, why do you always wear clothes? Even though Rarity makes wonderful clothes, I know, why do you have them on all the time?”

“Well Twilight, how about I shave off your entire coat, and see how you stay warm?”

Twilight looked indignant for a moment, and opened her mouth to retort. Then, her mouth closed, and a contemplative look fell over her face. “Well, why not take them off once you’re inside? It’s plenty warm enough in here, and it can’t be comfortable to sleep in them all the time.”

“You’d be surprised, actually, though that may just be my being human. We wear clothes not only to keep warm, but cover ourselves. It’s sort of like... we wish we had fur, but we don’t, so we substitute. Plus, we can’t exactly hide our reproductive organs the way most animals do, so not wearing anything at all would... let it all hang out, if you understand.”

She looked confused for a moment, until Pinkie began to giggle in naughty amusement. Twilight’s eyes crossed and her cheeks went aflame as she realized what I meant. “Oh, that’s, uhm... oh.” Her eyes uncrossed, but her blush didn’t subside.

I get a naughty grin. “But if you’re fine with me not wearing pants...”

Her blush went even redder, and Pinkie held up a hoof, which I obligingly bumped.

“Anyways. Since you let go of the electrode, I suppose there’s only one more test to try.”

“A wet tee-shirt contest?”

“What?”

“Apparently you’ve never seen clothes get wet, especially white clothes. Oh well.”

“Actually, I have. cloth, when wet, clings terribly. It also chafes. It can also stain, if not dried promptly or left to dry. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, think about it. If it’s clingy, and all of our ‘unmentionables’ are on the front...”

“Then wouldn’t it just make the clothes miserable to wear?” I swear, Cadence could not have been her foalsitter, Twilight is just too innocent.

“Just... just nevermind. What’s the test?”

“I’ll use a spell I learned recently, which allows somepony to be turned temporarily into another species. It only lasts a few hours, but it needs a template other than the caster to work from. so, I want to see-”

“If you turn me into a pony, I swear you will not sleep without one eye open for the rest of your life.”

“I was going to ask if you’d volunteer for it. I wanted to see if you’d retain your powers as a pony, meaning the powers are tied to your Essentia, or if it’s tied to your form. It’d be a huge step towards trying to identify how you got your powers.”

“But... you’re ponies! I like myself the way I am! How do you know me being human or my powers won’t mess it up somehow! If I end up stuck like a pony, I will throttle you!”

Twilight backed up a bit, looking worried at my threat. “Anthony, any damages to the spell matrix would simply crumble it! You can’t change how a spell works just by tearing it up. It can’t last more than a few hours without me renewing every now and then.” Her words actually were rather comforting.

“...fine. Two hours, and what I look like or anything related to appearance does not leave this library.”

“Well, I don’t know a counterspell for it yet, but it’ll only last, at most, four hours. We’ll also get to see what kind of pony you’d be!”

“Ugh, fine. But I will not leave the library or go near any windows until it wears off... and we do it here in the basement.”

Twilight sighs. “Fine, you can keep your foalish requirements, we just need to see if your powers work as a pony or not. Now, I’ll be using Pinkie as the template, so you two just separate a little and I’ll cast the spell.”

Pinkie nodded, chirping out a happy ‘okie-dokie-lokie!’ and pronking over a few feet to one side.

Twilight begins charging her horn, the violet glow turning white and beginning to spray purple sparks. None of them make it to the ground, flickering out about halfway down, but it still makes me nervous, a little. Right as Twilight gets ready to cast her spell, we all jump slightly as Spike slams the door open, calling out, “Twilight, Rainbow Dash wants to know where all the copies of the new Daring Do are!”

A bright beam, almost painful to look at, lances out and strikes me, forming an orbiting shell of tiny wisps. The beam splits like from a prism, striking Pinkie and knocking her into the inside of the containment tube from earlier with a muffled thump.

Twilight’s horn goes dark, and the lights all go out at once.

“Uh, was that supposed to happen?”

Chapter 50

Spike, from the top of the stairs, flicks the light switch several times. “Aw, come on! I’m the one who has to replace the fuses every time this happens, Twilight!”

Well, at least it doesn’t seem like an emergency situation, and nothing feels different to me. I Spark up, literally shedding light on the situation with a small ball of bright, blue flame in my translucent fist. Twilight’s sitting in a pile of her notecards, rubbing her head next to her horn, which is now shedding dull purple-blue sparks. Looking around, I can’t find Pinkie. Turning towards the containment cylinder she went towards I see...

Oh no! she’s been mutated into a giant pile jumbled bare flesh and pink fuzz!

Wait, no, she’s just turned into a human. At least it isn’t anything dangerous, and she didn’t end up inside out anything like that. I don’t think Spike could’ve dealt wi-

click

“Holy mother of Nayru!!”

Pinkie sits up in the tank, rubbing the side of her muzzle-less face with one hand, distractingly bare of clothes. With a moment of confusion, she looks down at her new appendage. “Wow! my hoof looks just like a hand!” She looks down. “Oooo! What’re these?”

Her hands go to play with... uh, I can’t really think right now, but what she’s doing is highly distracting and in no way something such a nice looking young lady should be doing. And she’s giggling, her voice almost perfectly identical.

“Uh... Twilight? I think you goofed...”

Twilight cracks her eyes open, looking from me to Pinkie. “Uh oh, that wasn’t part of the experiment!”

“Woah, there’s a Pinkie-colored Anthony down here!” Spike was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at Pinkie. Well, more like ogling Pinkie, something I could not bring myself to blame him for, as embarrassing as it was likely to be for the both of us later.

“Hey, uh... I think I might need a cold shower, later.”

“Why? I thought you hated cold showers?” Pinkie looked at me curiously.

“I’ll need a cold shower...” I emphasize every word, but decide not to explain, or things could get even more awkward a lot quicker.

Pinkie stood up, flailing her arms for balance and finally leaning against the glass in a way that mooshed her... frontal assets in a way that unintentionally - I hope - was giving me a painfully uncomfortable reaction. I hadn’t seen another human in more than eighteen months now, and my hormones were telling me that this meant the human race is in dire risk of extinction and I should do everything to rectify that as soon as possible.

Hormones don’t play fair, especially when she gets the hang of standing on her own, and jumps up and down a few times in delight. God, she’s still got such energy.

I feel a tic begin to form in my facial muscles, making my eyelids twitch slightly. I think I need to murder Cadence and Twilight Sparkle. It will leave the world a safer place from mishap.

“Uh, Pinkie, I think we should get you some clothes. Fast.”

“But why? I’m not cold yet!” Your nipples disagree. No! Bad me! I mentally slap myself for the thought.

“I mean for the other reason we wear clothes... Please.”

“Huh? But I don’t have anything dangling, unless you mean these!” She immediately grabbed her... self for emphasis. Oh god, I think I need to escape this room before I do something stupid and irreversible.

“Yes! I mean those!” I rush up the stairs and out of the library as fast as I could. Hoooooo boy, why’d she have to end up so hot? No! Bad! Bad thought! I rushed towards the only pony I thought could help now: Rarity. I just hope she can make something that doesn’t make the whole situation even worse.

“... and so that’s what happened. I’m, ah, having some biological reactions to Pinkie’s form, but I don’t want to do something like that with her! She’s my friend, and I’m sure it’s just physical, not a real attraction.”

Rarity nods in understanding. “Alright, dear, I think I can help you out with this. I’ll take some of my fabric and go make something for Pinkie. I do hope the darling is keeping to the basement, she might cause some... problematic rumors if she went around town.” The white mare stood and began moving towards the upstairs area I assume is her workshop.

A few minutes later, she comes back down, gently levitating a large, full-looking suitcase. “This is my travelling case, and it now holds what I need. Now, come along, I’ll need your opinion on the results.”

I pray that whatever my opinion is, it’s at least publicly acceptable. Pinkie might end up being a rather large problem... or two. No! Damnit brain! Don’t give in to the hormones!

We get back to the library, and, against my better judgement, follow Rarity into the basement. I just have to remember, Pinkie is a pony. Just a pony. This is all temporary.

The white mare pulls out a small, framed piece of paper, and I have to wonder what she’s going to- I let my thought trail off as she whispers something to it, and it begins to expand, turning into a three-part paper screen. Huh.

After it’s set in the way to prevent Pinkie from... ‘distracting’ me, Rarity goes to work, a flurry of whites, pinks, and yellows, the swirl of cloth, sewing needles, thread, and magic a stunning display unmatched even by Twilight’s supposed magical mastery. After several moments, I notice that Spike is ogling Rarity with his pupils literally turning to heart-shapes, as he stared with unmatched adoration. Yyyyep, crushing real hard.

Finally, Rarity is done, And she whisks the now-collapsing screen away with a dramatic, ‘Voila!’.

Behind where it had been standing is still Pinkie, but now bouncing slightly on her heels and humming softly. Her frizzy, poofy mane of hair is now cascading over a white stop with a large, pink heart in the center of the... chest. Pinkie was also wearing a skirt and long, white stockings.

And now, her proportions were more... accentuated. I must admit, I’m not as much of a breasts man, but all her curves stood out. Oh, goddamnit, I can’t escape my own thoughts! But, in truth, she was beautifully dressed, and smiling happily.

"Rarity! That’s exactly what I wa- er, we didn’t want!!”

Rarity snorted. “Well, I think it’s smashing. And besides, Pinkie loves it, don’t you?”

Pinkie smiled and bounced again, cheerily chirping out, “Yepper-doodley snickerdoodles!”

... And now my stomach has joined the revolt against my brain. Traitor.

“Rarity... ugh, well, I guess you are just doing what you do best...” I think on what to do, making sure I’m looking in the exact opposite direction from Pinkie Pie.

Not able to come up with anything, I try to think harder, but my thoughts are interrupted by a starry hand, looking like a pool of the night sky, phases through my chest. “Yoo-hoo! Anthony, take a look at what I can do!”

Spinning around in sudden terror for my life, I see that Pinkie is just a black outline, defined by a series of tiny pinpoints within the shape, and a massive, pale-blue star burning in her chest. A pair of swirling blue galaxies defined her eyes.

And, while her appearance should’ve set off every instance of my fight-or-flight instinct... instead I found myself relaxing. Pinkie, floating several feet off the ground, was spinning and flying with loud giggles and gales of laughter, and it was hard not to join in. She just looked so happy.

Except, I can’t fly... “Pinkie, how are you doing that?”

<I JUST FEEL SO LIGHT AND HAPPY, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FLY!> She spun around in a joyous loop, before hovering in front of me and extending a hand. <COME ON! FLYING IS GREAT! I CAN SEE WHY RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DOES IT WHENEVER SHE CAN!>

Nervously, I take her hand, my mind a bit too clouded to think of any other action. As her fingers slip between mine, I feel a pleasant tingle and a load of warmth, and my own Spark flares brighter, converting my own Star Form into one like hers, but with a much smaller, normal, white star in my own chest. Slowly, I begin to rise from the floor, the odd feeling of weightlessness suffusing my body, like it was when I was in the vacuumed-out chamber.

“Pinkie... I’m not sure you should be doing anything like this unless you know what you’re doing...” I think back to what Lyra said, about my powers possibly killing me, and Pinkie is even more powerful! I can feel the energy she’s radiating dwarf mine. Yet, it’s strangely pleasant, like a faceful of warm sunshine after a cold wind.

<DON’T WORRY, WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING!>

“We!?”

Almost without warning, I feel Pinkie pull me effortlessly through the wall and into the earth beneath the tree, zipping through the solid matter like it’s nothing. Another star, blazing a blue even brighter than Pinkie’s core, but held in a cage of golden filigree, orbited Pinkie’s core like a joyous little friend, a smaller star still orbiting as well, shimmering green with tiny specks of purple floating ahead of it like eyes.

The blue-and-gold star ‘stopped’ to hover in front of me. <I’M HERE, TOO, AND I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND TOO! FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS GREAT TO HAVE!> The star broke off with a giggle, stopping to push back a tendril of brilliant blue fire that had started to extend from Pinkie’s core, keeping it from separating into the earth all around.

“Ooooooh man. I feel nice and all right now, but I’m freaking out over here!”

With a sudden shift, we’re going up, and I have no idea how fast. Suddenly, we’re bursting from the top of a snow-capped mountain higher than any nearby peak. Pinkie sets us both down on the top of the peak, the gentle aura of weightlessness keeping me from feeling like I’m going to fall.

Far, far below, I see Canterlot, hanging from the side of the mountain below. We just traveled a lateral sixty-plus miles, and then up nearly another two, if Twilight’s geography books are right, in the span of a conversation. Three sentences, really.

“P- Pinkie... I know you’re having fun and all, but I’m really not sure if you should be just playing around with stellar energy like this, it’s dangerous! Don’t you remember how I got this cast!?”

The little blue star came out again, as Pinkie’s Star Form faded. “Don’t worry. I’ve got a friend to help with that!” the little star bobs happily, zooming over to ‘nuzzle’ me on the cheek, feeling more fuzzy than giant-ball-of-incandescent-gas-ey. In spite of the both of us powering down, she’s still so warm, and she hugs me as we sit on this forsaken and private mountaintop.

“Listen Pinkie, I like this a lot and all, but if you turn into a pony and lose your powers, we’re gonna be stuck up here... Couldn’t we move a little closer to Ponyville, somewhere quiet and private?” As soon as the words leave my mouth I want to beat the shit out of my brain, I meant private for Pinkie being human, not... damnit, Cadence!

Pinkie giggles, rocking back and forth slightly. “Silly, Twily-wily said it’d take around four hours! I feel like I could break it sooner, but... I want to spend some time with you. And with all the stuff we’ve been doing today, and how high up we are, the stars will be out soon!” She turned an honest, happy grin on me, and I practically felt myself melt. Traitors. All my body is traitors!

“Pinkie, the stars come out every night, we don’t have... to... oh, fine.” I give up. Arguing with her that is. I am not going to screw this pony-turned-human!

An insidious little voice whispered in the back of my mind. Who said you had to? A kiss is just as pleasant and very nice...

The worst part was that I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.

The two of us leaned towards each other as the edge of the horizon began to darken, the change from night sudden as the moon rose, bringing a tide of night across the sky in its wake, the sun setting at its own pace on the other side of sky, like a tired worker sinking slowly into soft sheets at the end of a long day.

The stars, though... from up here, they look like tiny birds, or butterflies, flying a long way off. I could see totally new constellations and stars, including one that... that looked like an enormous harp, or maybe just a miles-wide grin in the sky...

And so we watched the stars for an hour, dozens, then hundreds, then thousands coming into easy view from the not-so-lonely mountaintop. Several of them seemed to be clustered around the moon, as if following the pale orb through the night. Others seemed to be moving in the other direction.

It was like they weren’t static objects, but glimmering fish in a perfectly clear ocean, swimming with the currents...

I blinked, and realized that Pinkie was curled up on my arm, snuggled into my side and watching the stars, and that we had, at some point, begun laying down next to each other. All the shadows of her face were like reflections of the sky above, pools of vision into the night sky all around. It was strangely attractive.

I let out a sigh, but a happy one. “Pinkie. Nobody will ever know of this, and when you go back to being a pony, it will end there.” With that, I give her a kiss. It’s not at all like with Twilight/Chrysalis, Pinkie’s temporarily human mouth feeling much more comfortable and it just feels good. I just feel good all over...

Pinkie smiles, bright as the stars shimmering in the pooled shadows of her face. “That’s okay. I’m fine with being friends, if that’s what makes you happy, Anthony.” She rolls over, softly, and I can feel her turning back to her Star Form, for the trip back.

<LET’S GO HOME, ANTHONY. I HAVE SOME PRANKS I WANT TO TRY ON RAINBOW DASH WHILE I CAN FLY AND GO THROUGH WALLS AT SUPER-SPEED!>

Laughing, I take her hand again, and we fly, invisibly, through the fabric of the night.

Chapter 50 Special Extra

Pinkie and I are walking along, and after a few moments, we stop, and Pinkie looks up. “Wow! Fifty Chapters! That’s awesome!”  She walks over to a button and presses it. “Holey moley! Eighty-three favorites and Eighty-four likes! That’s incredible. I can’t believe it only took...” She thinks for a minute. “Eleven days!?”

“Yeah, that’s a lot. Hey, wait... apparently, nine people think this stuff sucks worse than that Daring Do garbage! This is bullshit!”

“Aw, they’re just mad they can’t do better.”

“Yeah. Heh, this has been quite a wild ride just to get here, huh?”

“Oh yeah! The craziest! But it’s nowhere near over yet!”

I turn to face The Audience. “Yep, this isn’t over by a long shot. But first, a few clarifications.” I clear my throat. “When I said that ‘Once Pinkie returns to a pony, it’s over’ I meant it-”

[Woah, wait a minute there, the shippers might leave!]

“Oh, come on, man! It’s not my fault they have to use other people’s works to get their rocks off!”

[No, but you’re encouraging them! And besides, there’s always the chance Twilight could do that again, but on purpose! C’mon, shippers, bring your friends!]

“Fine, but this isn’t going to become a bloody clopfic, even if the author’s a clopper, doesn’t mean I’m gonna get dirty with any ponies! That means I am never, I repeat never going to have sex with this.” I pick up Pinkie as a demonstration. “Nor this.” I reach to the right and pull Twilight in from the left.

“Wait, how did I get-”

Pinkie giggled, as I cut off the purple pony. “And definitely, definitely not this.” I pull Luna down from above me. “I mean really, I don’t know how these people get it into their heads that you and I would even consider it.”

Luna straightened up. “Well, you are a creature of stellar power, which means you are under my domain.”

“You’re not my mother!”

About this time, Rarity steps into view. “Oh, are we having a party on the fourth wall, dears? Ooh, do any of you readers have anything to tell me? I promise I won’t abuse the knowledge too bad!” She giggled coyly, smiling at The Audience.

[Don’t do it folks, it’s not worth it. Back me up on this, Anthony.]

“Only if I get some ice cream.”

[Uh, I only have mint-spaghetti-uncooked eggs flavored, left over from when Discord rained ice cream out of the computer monitors.]

Twilight looked around, trying to identify the source of the voice. “Wait, Discord? but he’s been imprisoned for-”

I pat Twilight on the head. “Don’t worry your tiny little head about it, this part is non-canon, so it doesn’t matter.”

Luna stands up. “Well, I’m going off to play at the arcade again. I hear they installed a new Pac-Mane machine.”

I groaned at the pun. “Seriously, you ponies are awful.”

Fluttershy whimpered from my feet; how she got there I have no idea, but it made me sad to see her look so shocked and hurt. “I meant your puns are awful.”

Fluttershy sniffed. “B- but I came up with ‘pac-mane’ as a name... I thought it was witty...”

[Oh crap, you made Fluttershy sad!]

“Oh screw it, I’ve had enough, I’m ending this now.”

[Wait! We haven’t announced the next arc yet!]

“They can wait a few days!” I reach up and hit the floppy icon to save the document and then punch the ‘X’ bu

Chapter 51

four-ish weeks later...

I held up the harp, staring at the strange, night-infused shadows on it. I’m currently sitting in the newly renovated extra room of the Golden Oaks Library, which has a bed just barely big enough for me. It’s the largest size Mattresses and Lumber Nails carried. I’m still trying to figure out that particular store combo.

I return my attention to the instrument, and hesitantly pluck one of the strings. A tremulous note rings out, pure and sweet, but it’s missing something.

Probably someone who knows how to play a harp, but that’s just a guess... Perhaps it likes stellar beings better. I begin my usual, blue glow, and pluck another string with my partially see-through fingers. Suddenly, as my fingers merely brush the other strings in passing, the harp produces an entire chord, smooth and sweet to listen to, like a professional’s hands had gotten a hold of it.

Strange... I continue to ‘play’ the harp, wondering what would happen... perhaps I should ask Twilight about this. It’s completely evaded my thoughts every time I’ve met up with her, especially with Rarity popping up almost every time and trying to convince me to act as a Species Swap template for her.

I mean, I’m sure being human is fascinating, and thumbs are the best thing in the entire universe, but other than that... I realize that the harp is just playing random chords, with no real connection to each other, and get a touch frustrated. Exasperated, I think about a song, Sacrifice,  and swipe at the strings.

A chord like something from a guitar’s tortured screams from the harp, and I feel the starlight night sky creep up from the shadows of the harp, and I feel my fingers twitch and stroke the strings, pulling forth the song from nothing but memory.

Somehow, I’m recalling the lyrics perfectly, singing along with the phantom band whose music pours from the night-harp. Nigh unto four minutes later, I let go of the harp, a grin on my face.

I look up to see that Spike opened the door and is looking at me with a dumbstruck expression on his face. A letter fluttered from his slack grip.

“That for me, I take it?” I wait for the dragon’s numb nodding. I reach down and pick it up. It’s a letter from Cadence!

‘Dear Ser Anthony,

I have contacted my aunt, the esteemed Princess Celestia Dawnbringer. She has given permission for our expedition into through the Canterlot Lookinglass Gate to Wunderland, and has already begun preparations. I have been informed I will take a minimum of four guards for each ‘guest’, and no more than seven.

With purest sincerity,

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

P.S. I couldn’t get my chamberlain to let me write the letter, sorry. Anyways, We’re cleared to go, and Twilight and Pinkie can come along, too. I’ll be bringing a total of nineteen guards, to keep it a prime number. I’ll get to finally see it more than just what’s in the established clearing outside the other end of the gate! Ooh, I can’t wait.

P.P.S. I heard you and Pinkie had some... ‘alone’ time together about a month ago. I told you so. ;D’’

How the heck does she know... oh forget it. Besides, Pinkie wasn’t a pony at the time, which is completely different! I decide that I should tell Pinkie that we are going to be heading for Wunderland, so I get up and leave the library, making my way to Sugarcube Corner.

Part way there, I run into Pinkie again. “Hiya Anthony! I was just coming to invite you to a party! Ponyville is 120% back to normal! And you’re a hero to all of the town, and I just learned the word ‘juxtaposition’ which means two ideas or concepts next to one another and I think it’d be really cool to do a ‘Ponyville’s Hero’s party!” Her words speed up near the end, and for a second I could swear her eyes were swirling blue galaxies again... but no, it’s just Pinkie being excitable again.

“That sounds like a great idea! I might even have an idea for some musical entertainment.”

Pinkie’s grin turns even wider. “Wowie! What is it? Oh, wait, you want it to be a surprise, don’t you? Oh, this is going to be awesome, I just know it! I’d better go tell the others!” the fluffy pink mare zooms off, leaving a faintly candy-scented pink cloud behind for a second.

I shake my head at the silliness, then remember that I forgot to tell her about the trip. As I get ready to curse, Pinkie zooms back up to me. “Oh, did you need to tell me anything? I had a twitchy ear, rumbly belly, and a light head, which either means I’m really hungry, or a friend has something to tell me!”

“Well, we’re going on a trip to Wunderland in a few months. You, me, Twilight, and Cadence. How’s that sound?”

“Whoo! I get to go say ‘hi’ to Granny Pie! She doesn’t get to visit all that often, on account of her breeding Drumble Jubjub birds. They get really cranky and start frumigating if you don’t feed them on time, so she has to be there most times of the years, except Lend and Borrow.”

“Lend and Borrow?”

“Yeah, Lend comes before Lent, and Borrow is the same day, but on second thursdays of alternating years.” I am so glad that at least she understands what she’s saying.

“Like... Leap Year?”

“No, silly, that’s when Frumious Bandersnatches mate and breed!” I have the feeling I’m going to get eaten by something during this trip.

“Well, sure, so when’s the party? Later today?”

“It’ll be tomorrow, and I even got a guest from Canterlot to help with the music! She said she knows you.”

“Heh, Vinyl Scratch? Haven’t seen her in a while, it’ll be nice seeing her again!”

“You know my cousin-twice-removed Vinyl Scratch? Oh, this is going to be awesome!”

“...you know, you two being related makes a lot of sense. Wait, that is who you meant is coming for the music, right?”

“Well, duh, Octavia only plays slow music!”

“I dunno, I’ve seen some pretty heavy stuff on cellos before, and I wasn’t about to judge.”

Pinkie looks thoughtful. “You keep saying heavy. Is music related to weight, where you come from?”

“No, it’s slang. It means-”

Pinkie giggle-snorted. “hee hee! I’m just playing with you, silly! Don’t worry, Vinyl has that covered, adopted or not. And I mean it when I say Octavia only plays slow, she doesn’t like to play fast music.”

“But she’s fine hearing it, apparently.”

“Well, you like living in houses, but you don’t like having to put them up every time you want to go to sleep, do you?”

I open my mouth to say something. I close my mouth. “Point.” I kneel down and ruffle her mane.

“Hee hee, you’re a good friend, Anthony.” She nuzzles my hand, and pronks off. “See-ya later, Anthony-gator!” She waves as she goes, turning a corner without looking.

That pony is crazy. Totally crazy. And I like her that way.

Practically bouncing with joy myself, I wander towards where Twilight is waiting; the post office. I’d been coming to the quaint little post office for the last few weeks, getting to say hi to Ditzy and Dinky, who were both adorable in their own ways. Twilight is sitting amiably on the bench outside the post office, still reading the Lookinglass Gates book, having been making notes about each chapter for the last four weeks, until my cast had come off.

“Heya, so Cadence sent me a letter earlier. We’ll be bringing nineteen guards with us for safety. I’m honestly a bit scared of going, but the not-knowing would just kill me!” I sit down and ruffle her mane like I did with Pinkie, only I know she doesn’t like it.

“Hey! Yeah, I got a letter, too. I know what you mean about not knowing... we’ll be the first formal explorers in almost half a century! Ooh, I can just hear the publishing awards already...” She looks like she’s daydreaming.

“Heh, yeah, feeling pretty glad I thought of going there, aren’t ya?”

Twilight nods happily, grinning and flopping her ears up and down. I laugh and ruffle her mane again. “So, what are you waiting out here for again?”

Twilight carefully places a bookmark in her place, and closes the book. “Celestia said she was going to have a rare old book sent to me, so that I can restore it. She said to take as much time as I want on it, that its quality is far more important than the promptness of its return.” She puffs her chest out proudly, making her look like she’s all fluffy from the chin down. “It’s a big responsibility, but I know I’m up to it!” She beams at me.

“Heh, sure, just don’t explode from excitement, okay?”

“Oh, please, it’s just a book, there’s no way anything weird will come from it.” She scolds me gently.

“I wasn’t talking about the book, I was talking about you!”

“I know, I was saying- oh, right, you’re being humorous, sorry.” She lowers her ears abashedly.

“Don’t worry, with enough practice, you may end up one-one hundredth as funny as I am someday. If you’re lucky.” I boop her nose.

“I don’t need to be funny, I’m already smart.” She retorts smugly. She’s improving, that’s for sure.

“You keep believing that, and you might get others to believe it as well.” I laugh and walk off. I’m going to finally get Rarity to tell me her little secret crush.

Chapter 52

“What do you mean she’s not back yet?” I ask, looking at Sweetie Belle, bewildered.

The little white filly shrugged and looked at me. “She said there was something she needed to get from ‘out of town’, and then she hasn’t been back yet. She does this sometimes.”

Dang it, Rarity. You can’t hide from this forever... I thank Sweetie anyways, and get ready to head off, until Sweetie calls out to me.

“Wait, d’you want to go crusading with Applebloom, Scootaloo and I? I don’t really have anything to do, now that my chores are done, and it’s really quiet in here with Rarity out...”

“Sure... I’ll be right back.” I dash off to the library to retrieve my crusading uniform shirt. Sure I’ll never get a Cutie Mark, but I don’t mind helping these kids out, although I’ve mainly spent most of my time trying to veto some ideas and explain why it’s the most god-awful, stupid decision ever.

By the time I get the shirt on and get back to the boutique, there’s a piece of paper stuck to the door telling me they’re at the clubhouse.

Oh well, I guess I can make this quick. I decide to enter my Dynamo form and rush to the clubhouse. I’m not spending all that time walking to the other side of Ponyville.

‘skidding’ to a halt near the clubhouse, I power down, noting that my shadows when I do that have started turning to the nightscape, and I can’t seem to make that effect go away. Brushing off some stray dust, I walk up to the little clubhouse, and get a flying tackle from a pair of micro-ponies, Sweetie and Applebloom gripping me in tight hugs. Scootaloo stood at the top of the stairs, dramatically shrouded by the angle of the sun and the location, putting her just barely above my natural line of sight.

“Aw, come on Scoots, I don’t bite... much.”

For some reason, she seemed to put on what I can only explain as some sort of threat display, puffing up her feathers and putting her wings up. I guess I scared the kid somehow.

“Oh, alright, alright. Be that way. So, what do I need to save you from- I mean, what are we going to do first?”

Scootaloo puffs up even further, somehow. “We’re going to try being Cutie Mark Crusader Junior Electricians!”

Oh god, this is going to go... wait, Twilight said that even lightning in this world doesn’t normally reach lethal levels. And that there’s almost no wiring or electrical work for appliances... what are they electrifying anything?

“And, exactly how do you plan on doing that?”

“We pooled our allowances and bought two of these!” Scootaloo proudly pulled out a pair of Junior Arcane Circuitry sets.

“You know that’s all magic, right? I’m not sure how you three could...”

Scootaloo looks down at the set, her wings drooping. “Yeah, but... well, I thought it was a good idea...” Sweetie and Applebloom both charge back up the ramp to give Scootaloo a hug.

“Hey, come on, so you made a mistake. The smart and adult thing to do is learn from it and become better peo- ponies.”

Scootaloo looks back up at me, her ears perking up. And now she’s puffing up again. What is it that I’m doing to make her do that?

Anyways, The three of them quickly conscript me into helping them, especially with three major points:

They need an adult’s supervision, so I guess that means me.

They also need help getting the annoying little twist ties off of the the numerous things inside the boxes, something you usually ask a grown unicorn to help with. Fingers rock.

They also need some finer control putting some of the parts together. Once more, fingers rock.

“You know, I wonder how my electricity mixes with this magic stuff. I bought one of these myself to find out, but I never got around to it.”

Sweetie gave a half-hearted ‘huh’, before nosing out little pieces of metal, and pushing around the big, ceramic base tiles.

Applebloom was holding the instructions, and I could see that the back side was labeled in ‘Prançais’.

...Prench? Wait... Prance!? Jesus Christ these ponies... I barely resist the urge to facepalm.

Applebloom begins rotating the instructions ninety degrees, while Scootaloo is sorting the pieces by shape. Sweetie Belle is eyeing a single piece, this one shaped like a bolt of cloth or a scroll inside a circle of symbols and runes.

“Magic runes, huh? So that’s how you get magical electricity...” I think for a second. “Hey, if it’s possible, let’s leave the energy input piece out, I wanna try something.” I hold up a finger and send a few sparks across it to demonstrate my idea. “You girls think it’ll work?”

Applebloom looks up. “Actually, Sweetie is supposed to be th’ ‘input’, ‘cuz she’s got magic.”

“Aww, come on, aren’t you a little curious? Magic isn’t the answer to everything.” I boop the yellow filly on the nose with the current in my finger, about seven volts. I don’t wanna hurt her after all.

Applebloom jerks back at the shock, and stares at her nose, cross-eyed. “Whut was that?”

“Electricity, you silly filly. I can make electricity. And I don’t mean the kind you ponies get from clouds or magic. This is a bit more... natural.”

Scootaloo looked over at me, poofing up again. Seriously, she looks like a koosh ball when she does that. “I can make lightning!”

“Sure, but is it enough to knock out a demon for about five minutes?” I hold up my hand and start generating more electricity. Much more than just my finger. My shadows are turning night-ish again, too.

Scootaloo deflated, looking utterly miserable for some reason. “N-no...”

“Good! Electricity like this is dangerous! I don’t want anything to happen to any of you! I don’t want you to get hurt.” I release the energy into the ground at my feet, sending the charge harmlessly into the wooden floor in ten-volt intervals. Didn’t want to burn anything.

The crusaders clustered around, and began to assemble the first set-up, on a big ceramic board with a bunch of concentric rings of pegs to hook the pieces onto. I had to intervene more than once when Scootaloo or Sweetie would try to wrestle the uncooperative pieces into spots they wouldn’t fit. I doubt that the arcane circuit would react any better to damaged parts than a normal, electrical circuit would.

“So, how does this work when all put together? Do you just... give it magic and it does it’s thing?”

Sweetie Belle nodded quickly, and I saw a flickering, weak glow from on her horn. Her face contorted in ways that could not possibly be natural or healthy. She grunted like she’d eaten five pounds of cheese, and grimaced like it’d turned into a kidney stone along the way.

“Holy crap, kid. Stop! You’re gonna have an aneurysm if you keep that up!”

“N- nuh... uh!” finally, she let loose a flurry of sparks... all two of them. They dribbled limply to the floor, fizzling out like wet pop rocks when they touched the floorboards. Sweetie looked winded, and her cheeks were red as a firetruck. “W- wow... what a rush!”

“Okay, never never do that again. I am not going to bury any of you! Seriously, let’s just try my way, alright? I’m here to make sure you stay safe.”

Applebloom looks back down at the instruction sheet. “Also, yer supposed ta touch yer horn to the ay-ray, Sweetie Belle.”

The little unicorn, still panting and looking around like someone who just ran a marathon on forty pots of coffee, nodded. “Okay! O- once Anthony goes, can I go again! Please!?” Sweetie bounced up and down a little, and I held back a giggle. Even if she may have just almost fried herself, it was still an adorable sight. Huh, and Scootaloo is puffing up again. I’m starting to think pegasi are just weird at that age.

I... also don’t know their ages. I should probably ask some time. After science, though.

“Well... maybe. I just don’t want there to be any accidents. From any of you! I know I’m being kind of a killjoy, but I’m going to try this ‘responsibility’ thing today, okay?” I pick up all three of them in a light hug. “You’re going to stay safe, alright?”

Even if they’re ponies, I could never let a child get hurt or worse while I’m around. I’d never forgive myself.

All three of them squirm for a moment in my grip, until they’re comfortable, and hugging me back. Even Scootaloo is joining in, holding me with her little wings as well as her forelimbs and pushing her face into my armpit. Weird child.

“So, we do this carefully, and safely. Yes Sweetie, you can try again, but don’t wear yourself out.” I put them down, find the array according to the diagram, and decide I should start with just two volts from my finger. Just a start.

I gently place my finger on the outer edge of the outer circle, and release, and suddenly...

Nothing happens. Judging from what the crusaders put together, it’s supposed to summon a miniature cloud. Or make a duck turn purple, it’s a little hard to tell.

“Well, fine, take fifteen volts!” I hold my finger away and return it to the plate after a quick charge. The filigree designs proceed to do fuck-all nothing, much to my frustration. Before I can simply unload a lethally-explosive level of cosmically-charged lightning, I sit myself in the corner and fume for a few minutes. “Razzin’ frazzin’ magic.”

I look over as giggles erupt from nearby the set, and see that there’s a little, pale green cloud now hovering over the circle, and Scootaloo is grabbing it and mushing it like clay.

“Oh come on! I know I put more electricity into that than any of you could! That’s so unfair!”

Applebloom looks over. “But it’s nawt eel-ec-trissity! It’s magic! That’s what ‘Arcanee’ means!”

Sweetie Belle looks up. “It’s pronounced ‘ar-cane!’”

“That doesn’t matter.” I sigh. “So, now what? None of you got your marks, and honestly, I think it’s because you need to do something special. I’m pretty sure this is intended for any unicorn to do.”

The three let out an ‘aww’ and looks at their hooves, Scootaloo stopping her molding of the cloud to do so. The other two began talking about what they could do next, but Scootaloo went back to messing with the cloud.

“Hmmm... Hey Scoots, You said you can make lightning. Can you use that cloud and zap the array? Maybe your electricity would work.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “It’s not that type of cloud, dummy!” She pokes it to make her point. A few moments later and she holds it up. “Lookit what I made!”

“It’s... a bowl.”

“With high sides!” she looks... pleased. I don’t know why, and she’s doing that poofy thing again. I think I need to hug that out of her, I don’t doubt she’s extra soft now that she’s doing that again.

“Sure, uh... good job.” I say and pick her up. I don’t have the heart to tell her that was probably the lamest thing I’ve ever seen done with a cloud.

She snuggles into me again, once more pushing her muzzle into my armpit. I wonder if there’s something wrong, and this is how pegasi deal with home issues.

“Anyway...” I just sit there holding the orange filly. “What else could we try?”

The other two look up, and seem a little awed by me holding Scootaloo, who has now curled up in my one-armed hold.

“Uh... we could... uh... usually, Scootaloo comes up with things to do.” Sweetie admitted. Scootaloo just yawned, and it felt almost like she was purring.

“Well, looks like she might be unavailable. You think she got enough sleep last night?”

Applebloom and Sweetie both start looking at other things in the room, not answering my question.

“What? Did I do something?”

Sweetie looks down at her hooves, and I could swear she’s even more flushed than before. Applebloom is just refusing to meet my eyes, but she’s also got a blush for some reason. Did my pants come undone, or something?

Nope, fly’s up and everything. Guess they’re just embarrassed because they can’t come up with anything. “Well, I guess I’ll go then, just... call me if you come up with something.” I place Scootaloo down gently, and crawl my way through the clubhouse door. Cute kids, but... strange.

Scootaloo appeared to be waking up as I left, and had a sad look on her face, but there’s only so much weirdness I can take at once. Maybe I can... wait, I haven’t even been to Applejack’s house in a while. I wonder if they need any help up there? The clubhouse is on the property, so it can’t be too far. Just past this hill of apple trees, right?

Chapter 53

I must’ve wandered into a trans-dimensional warp or something, because I’ve been wandering beneath these trees for days. The searing heat of the sun is baking my brain, and I’ve not seen any sign of civilization or life beyond the endless trees. I should’ve stayed back. I should’ve known that the universe would do this to me!

I’m going to die out here! I’ll be lost forever, flickering out and never seen again! Woe is me! Woe is m-

Oh, wait, there’s the farmhouse.

I trek up the hill and look back, the clubhouse peeking up over the foliage of the next hill over.

Huh, guess it was only, like, twenty minutes. Tops. Well, I feel like a dumbass. I wonder if that means the same thing here? Do they have donkeys? I decide to ask later. I head up to the farmhouse and knock on the door.

The door opens with a creak, and a withered sack of green wrinkles looks up at me. Granny Smith sure is looking better from the last time I saw her.

“Heya, Granny Smith, how are you today?”

She smiles up at me, a warmth in that smile reminding me of my own grandma. “I’m doin’ alright. The insurance money from the orchard that great burnin’ galoot torched came in, and we got m’ hip replaced! See-ram-ic and arcanium! I c’n walk better now than I could forty years ago! And we had enough saplin’s to replant without needin’ the money, so tha’s even better. How’s you doin’, Anty-boy?”

Wow... that was... close. Thank god it’s just her way of speaking. “I’m doing great. I figured since I didn’t have anything to do today, I’d see if you needed any help. Not sure what I could do, but I’m making the offer all the same.”

“Weeell... c’n ya do any pipin’? the kitchen sink is clogged agin, and Applejack and Big Mac don’t know squat ‘bout nothin to do with pipes.”

“Well, I’m not exactly an expert, but I’ll give it a shot. Show me the pipes.”

Granny Smith leads me into the kitchen, and points at the double sink. One side was so dry that the little cracks in the porcelain were visible. The other was almost overflowing with black-green water, and smelled like a sewer had thrown up in it.

“Yep, you definitely got a problem. I’ll see what I can do...” I think for a moment. I suppose I could just reach into the drain and see if I can find the blockage... but that water... is no longer water. Come on man, you’ve killed a Changeling Queen, you’ve literally blown a demon’s head off, you’re the hero of Equestria... you’re gonna need a looooooong shower after this.

Closing my eyes, I reach my hand into the not-water and feel for the drain. Once I find it, I reach in, trying to see if I can touch whatever’s stopping up the sink. I could probably go intangible... no, then it’d be in me, and I really don’t want to think of the implications.

“Well, y’ gonna fix it?” Granny’s voice urges me forward, and I swallow the lump in my throat and whimper. The water feels like... well, not like water. I also can’t feel the pipe as anything more than pressure around my wrist. Also, I think I may be stuck.

That said, I think I found the problem. Whatever it is, it’s grainy and mushy all at once, like really low-grade schnapps runoff. It’s packed in, and probably settled into the pipe when it was backed up slightly, and then just piled on top of the obstruction. I’d need a pretty powerful batch of Liquid Plumber, or the assistance of a star-powered Mario to get through it.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any of those, so I’m gonna have to think. Then I get an idea. I enter my Heat form and heat up my other hand over the not-water. I’m gonna try and make this sludge evaporate.

several seconds on high heat pass, and I’m starting to see the water bubble, then boil. It’s working! But the stench is really doing a number on my gag reflex.

...Oh god, it’s cooking onto my arm!

It’s like the cast all over again, but when I pull my hand out in panic, I see that it’s a crusty green-black-brown, and smells like the rancid insides of something that died of cholera.

Or diarrhea. I am suddenly so glad I only put one arm into the sink.

Granny smith starts cracking up. “Sonny, you do know we’ve got one ah them fancy pipe-cleanin’ doohickies, right?”

“Well, yeah, but if you push the blockage from the sink end, it’ll just get stuck further down the pipe. You need to push the stuff up or you risk making the problem worse.”

Granny Smith nods sagely. “Tha’s why it’s a grabby-one.”

“...” I sigh. God damnit. I end up with my arm looking like I just punched the Swamp-Thing for nothing. Fuck my life. “Alright, where is it?”

“Right above th’ sink, Anty-boy.” I look up. It’s right at eye level.

“Right.” I grab it and pull my arm out of the drain. That was probably the most disgusting noise I’ve heard in my life. Anyway, I lead the tool down into the drain and when I feel resistance, I try and grab it.

I pull up a mass of rusty, organic sludge... and a mass of blonde and red hairs.

“Uh... huh.”

“Dag-nabbit! Those look like Applebloom and Applejack’s hair! Ooh, I’m gonna give ‘em sucha walloping’ when they get back, they won’t be able to sit fer a month!”

I think for a moment. They’re quadrupeds, how often do they need to sit, anyways?

The sink gurgles and slurps as the now-cleared drain slowly does its thing, leaving a crusty layer of baked gunk on the sides of the sink. Granny Smith eyes my arm. “Well, Ah guess y’all should get yer arm cleaned off. I’d offer th’ sink, but... Don’ want it gettin’ clogged again. Take yerself to the hog pen, they’ll clean ya, an’ they don’ bite, neither.”

“...fine, where’s the pen?”

Now that that horrific experience is over and my arm is clean, minus the pig slobber, I decide I have learned my lesson. Don’t offer help to the Apples!

I still don’t have anything to do today though, so I think on what other ways I could waste time. Maybe I can finally talk to Twilight about the harp? That seems like it might take another couple of hours. I think I’ll try something a bit... softer for a demonstration though. Not sure how well she’d take to my appreciation for dark music.

I make my way to the library, looking around me as I go. Everyone has fully accepted me and then some! I can remember when I first came here, all the closed doors, scared faces... that’s all over. I’m accepted. These ponies aren’t so bad, I guess. As long as they keep their minds off my junk, that is. I’m going to have to make Canterlot hear my speech next.

I return to the library, go into my room, and pull out the harp. The sunlight coming in through the window leave stark, deep shadows of nightscape on the instrument, and I take a moment to look closer at it. The strings themselves are thin strands of night time, and I shake my head. It’s quite obviously a powerfully magic artifact. Or, at least, a really impressive party-trick, one of the two.

I head down the stairs, just in time to see Twilight walking back in, levitating a large wooden crate, the top already being pried off with nothing but magical force. Damn this unicorn is good.

“Hey Twi. What’s in the box?”

“Hmm? Oh my package arrived from Canterlot! they had to bring it down slowly, by cart and carriage. It must’ve gotten held up in Fetlock, the town at the base of Mt. Canter.” Fetlock, at the foot of a mountain. I swear, I lost brain cells from that. Twilight set the crate down, and propped herself up on the edge, like a puppy trying to see into a box. I hear her squeal with delight as she pulls out... a single, battered journal.

For a moment, she keeps her delighted face, but it fades as she looks at the book. “Uhm... I don’t recognize this... is it written in gryphon?” she holds up the book in her magical grasp, and she makes an almost pained noise in the back of her throat as she looks over the pages inside. She looks at me with a  pitiful expression, ears down and her eyes wide. The book, labeled “Mein Tagebuch” floats in front of her. beneath the title, a smaller line of text reads, “Nicht öffnen!”

“Well I’d help, but I don’t know much German, honestly...”

“German? This is gryphon!” She pokes at the book again, still looking miserable.

“Well, it certainly looks a lot like German to me. You probably have similar languages as humans but have different names. For example. I have a bit of understanding of French. With an ‘F’.”

At this point, she’s stopped paying attention, pawing at the book as if petting it will make it divulge its secrets to her. Offhandedly, she replies, “It’s prench, from Prance. Fancee is a dialect.” she doesn’t appear to be actually responding to my statement, but a statement from someone else, probably said a long while ago.

“Why do you want to read this anyway? It’s just someone’s diary or something. Seriously, what’s so important about some bird-lion’s journal?”

She turns the book back to me, flipping open to the first page. The inside cover has more writing on it. “Because of whose it is! I recognize the name, it’s the title he used while in the Gryphon Empires!” The words she’s pointing at are ‘Wirbelnde-Sterne der Bart.’, which is a load of gibberish to me.

“Sorry Twilight, but it’s just some German junk. I don’t read it fluently.”

She perks up at the last word. “But you do speak it a little? You could help me get started on a translation! The lost works of Starswirl the Bearded!” A sudden gust of wind stirs the room, sending some of Twilight’s research notes fluttering into the air and causing the journal’s pages to flip wildly. Twilight immediately began grabbing all the loose pages and collecting them. “Oh, drat, Spike or Rainbow Dash must’ve left a window open again. I suppose if you’re not interested, Anthony, then you’re not interested. Did you have anything you wanted?”

“Hmmm, not exactly say as much as show.” I hold up the harp to Twilight.

Twilight gasps and drops the book. Wow. I didn’t think the harp was that impressive. Her entire expression is wide, and I feel the harp get yanked from my grip, sailing into Twilight’s hooves. She immediately begins rotating and turning it, examining it from every angle.

“How did you get this?” She hisses at me, a look of... terror? Yeah, I think that’s terror on her face. What is wrong with this harp?

“Well, I got it from a Unicorn I met a few days ago in the park. Her name was Lyra Heartstrings.”

“Who?” Twilight furrows her brow, and I can see from here that her breathing has picked up in pace. Jeez, something has scared her.

“I have no idea, but she certainly seemed to know a lot about me. Anyway, what’s so special about the harp? I mean, there’s something I know is strange about it, but what do you know?”

“This isn’t ‘A Harp’, it’s a lyre, for one... secondly, it’s the Lyre, all others are based on this Lyre. It’s the Fundamental Lyre, and without it, stringed instruments wouldn’t exist!” Twilight stopped to suck in a breath. “It’s also Princess Luna’s!”

“So this was design number zero, huh? Well, guess it’s mine now.”

“You can’t just steal one of the Fundamental Tools of Creation!” Twilight looks aghast at my announcement, clutching the lyre with all four limbs and her magic aura.

“I didn’t steal it. It was given to me by someone who was definitely not princess Luna. I stole nothing, just acquired it from the thief.”

“That’s still stealing! I’m going to get this sent back!” Her eyes have gone wild. There has got to be more to this harp if she’s going this nuts about- wait, she called it a ‘fundamental tool of creation’, and even I could hear the Capital Lettering on that title.

“Well, wouldn’t it be better to be held by someone of similar power to Luna’s before it’s official return?”

“No! There’s no telling what sort of calamities could be summoned or manifested! It’s a tool of unimaginable power and unknown utilities! We don’t even know how it works!” She stared at me, panting and flailing her forelimbs for emphasis.

I scoff. “I do.”

Her forelegs came down. “Y- you do?”

“The lyre, please?” I hold out my hand, and once she reluctant parts with it, I hold it up. “First of all, it’s a musical instrument, no matter what powers it has, so of course that’s it’s main function. Now, how about a song? A song from my world?”

I Spark up and focus on the song. “This, is called What I've Done.” With that, I begin to play the lyre as before.

My fingers find the strings by instinct once more, tugging, pulling, plucking and caressing to pull forth the notes as needed. This time, it doesn’t start with a screech, probably because it’s already set to ‘band’. The music flows out, and I sing along, the lyrics sad and almost depressing. Once the song ends, I see Twilight staring in shock.

“A-Anthony! You have no idea what that might’ve done! What if you played a song and made weather happen, or an earthquake, or- or-”

“And? Can’t you control your weather? Or stop earthquakes? What happened to all that environmental control you had?”

“Anthony, you’re holding one of the eight things that made the world! You’re basically asking what an ant would do if a rhino had been about to step on it! they’re strong, sure, but not that strong!”

“So what you’re saying is, I’d be giving Equestria a taste of what my world deals with on a regular basis?”

“No, you’d be changing the fundamental structure of Equestria! You could’ve made an unending, ever-growing hurricane, or an earthquake that continues for centuries, or a tidal wave immune to wind resistance and friction!”

Okay, those thoughts never would’ve occurred to me without serious prompting.

“Well, then if it’s Luna’s and it’s so gosh-darned important, why’d she let it get stolen? How’d that other pony get it?”

Twilight shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know! She gave each of the Fundamental Tools to a constellation of stars to keep safe, where nothing can get to any of the tools at all. The Stars use them to grant wishes.”

I think. Constellations. “Hmmm, one wouldn’t happen to be a weighing scale of rather simple design, would it?”

“Yes, Libra. The scales have control of the balance of morality.” Those I could see having catastrophic consequences for messing with.

“Leo, Cassiopea, Aquarius. Just to name a few. And of course, Lyra”

“Well, not quite. The Lyre is one of them, along with the Scales. There’s also the Sword, the Crown, and the Hammer.” Twilight said.

“Alright. the Sword... That’s either Orion the Hunter... or the other one I can’t remember, the Hero.”

“No, Orion is one of the heroes of the old Unicorn nation, before Equestria. Marecules is the constellation dedicated to the earth pony hero who defeated a corrupted alicorn with her strength alone.”

“Huh, well, I’m only going off of the stuff I know from my world. Oh yeah, that’s it. It was Perseus, the Hero. Anyway, yeah. I’m only going off my knowledge of the constellations that I was taught in human school. You ponies are bound to have some differences.”

Twilight nodded. “That makes sense. That you recognized any at all is impressive. But Leo is a type of monster-class creature here. In the order Stellamorphous, to be precise. All of these parallels, though... do you think that, maybe, our worlds were connected, once?”

“I don’t doubt it, anything’s possible when you figure in the ‘infinite-universes’ theory, which I happen to believe in. Also, I suppose another Stellar creature is Taurus, a bull?”

“Cattle, but yes, they’re pretty common in the Minotaur’s countries. They raise them as sacred animals.”

“Taurus is a bull in the human constellations. Eh, whatever, I suppose there’s not a huge difference. So, I guess I’ll take this back to Luna after tomorrow.”

Twilight nodded. “Thank you. I don’t know how somepony could’ve stolen it, but it shouldn’t be running around.” Twilight, shuddering from the adrenaline crash, went to the couch and lay down on it. “Oh jeez, I am exhausted. I’ll... I’ll reshelve the...” Twilight yawned broadly. “in th’ ev’n’n...” She was snoring before long at all.

I think about the instrument in my hands. I seem to have control over the way it plays so wouldn’t that mean that I have control over what it does? Couldn’t I just tell it not to cause any disasters? Eh, whatever, I’m still gonna rock that party tomorrow. Vinyl might like some of our music. Who knows. I wonder what I’ll play... I think on that for a bit, but decide I’ll choose one once I’m on stage. This is gonna be good.

Chapter 54

The next day -

It’s a perfect day for an indoors party: the weather was scheduled for rainy until tomorrow morning. Still, this’ll be a good chance to just mingle, have fun, and party. Also, show off, because I can.

I first look out for Vinyl, since we haven’t chatted for a while and I want to show her my new instrument. I think she’ll like it a lot.

I check out the large building booked specifically for the party, and see that Vinyl is over by the stage already, levitating one large box at a time onto the stage itself.

“Heya, Scratch. Gettin’ set up?”

“Yo! Anthony! How’re you doin’, buddy?”

“Fantastic! I even might join you in entertaining the crowd, I got something that is just awesome!” I hold up the lyre.

“Sweet strings! I just need to unpack my gear, if you’ll gimme a sec, we can hang ‘till the party.”

“Awesome, and I’ll get a chance to give these ponies a taste of human music. You might like it.”

“I didn’t know you play, dude. You’ll have to give me a demo once this is all set up.”

“You got it. So, how’s Tavi doing? She back in Canterlot?”

“What, and miss a Pinkie Party of this size? As if. My ‘cuz isn’t party-shy or anything. She’s got a gig this weekend, though.”

“Awesome. I’d like to show her what strings can really do. Well, some strings that is.”

“That must be one hell of a harp to warrant that kind of confidence. Huph, there we go. I just need to plug in these speakers, and I’m all set for the night.” I turn and look at the speakers she’s talking about, each of them almost as tall as I am. They’re all pointed towards the dance floor, and they light up like something out of Tron once they’re plugged in. Best. Party. Ever.

“Well as I said before, it’s not the instrument, it’s the musician. You give it a try.” I hand her the lyre so she can give it a shot, knowing full well it’s going to be far from fantastic.

She puts up a hoof. “Nah, the only strings I’m good with are violins and banjos, and one of those are banned from Canterlot.”

“You play the banjo? Dude, you gotta show me some time. Until then, here’s a song called Points of Authority.”

My hands dip into my Spark’s power, shadows turning to night where they touch the harp. I brush the strings, and the song pours forth. I sing along, my voice altered to sound like it’s coming through a radio in the process. My voice normalizes with the song, and Vinyl watches in awe.

“Dude! that was awesome! I could hear, like, drums and a guitar in there! Man, I don’t know what kind of enchantments you got on that harp-a-ma-jig, but you better hold onto it! That thing must be worth a fortune.” She laughs and elbows me in the hip. “But before we get all serious, how about we get some grub? I know this place that sells the best fish-salad. You eat fish, right?”

“I was worried that unicorns didn’t. Let’s go, I could use a bite to eat. Haven’t eaten in... five days.”

“Woah, man, starvation is no joke. You need to get an assistant - it’s what unicorns who don’t eat tend to do.”

“I don’t need to eat much though.” I Spark up again. “You think this is just a pretty lightshow? Ask the locals, I blew off a demons head!”

“Yeah, dude, there’s been tabloids and newspaper reports for the last month and a half. You’re a big name these days.” Vinyl laughed as she led me out the door. “Anyways, you like milkshakes? It’s been a while since I’ve been in the po-nay-ville, but if Maestro Gourmet still has a restaurant here, then he still owes me a favor. He makes the most awesome milkshakes ever.”

“Heh, yeah I like shakes. I just wonder how long they’ll be able to keep printing news about me when I’ve only done one major thing. Though I guess it is pretty major. You should see some of my fan mail. You ponies are either desperate or just really horny.”

Vinyl laughs. “Well, as you can see by my forehead, I am rather horny. But nah, they’ll keep printing for a while.” She grinned further. “Especially since there’s a rumor running strong that you went on a date with one of the Elements of Harmony, being perpetuated by somepony named ‘Amorous Intent’.”

“Well, I don’t know where he or she gets her info, but it wasn’t a date. Well... no, it wasn’t a date. Besides, the circumstances were a bit different.”

“Ooh? Do tell!” Vinyl flashed me a grin over her glasses, her magenta eyes sparkling. “I can get good money for quashing a rumor. Or giving evidence for it.”

“So could I, probably. Anyway, Twilight tried a spell that was suppose to make me a pony. She messed up and turned Pinkie into a human.” I let that sink in for a moment and continue. “Now, I’m not too crazy about you ponies, but Pinkie as a human? Damn she was fine!” I give her a grin. “But it wasn’t a date.”

“Wow, you sound like one of Octy’s suitors when they think they’re in the clear just ‘cuz they’re near the brash, crass Vinyl Scratch. Heh, man are they wrong.” She chuckles. “Alright, I won’t go spreading that around, too many ponies would just turn into humans and throw themselves atchya.”

“Heh, throwing themselves is easy. Touching me on the other hand...” I Spark up once more and walk through a tree on the side of path. “Now that’s the challenge.”

“Yeah, but imagine having all those grubby, stuffy unicorns-turned-humans passing through you. They’d be touching you in places not meant for contact!” Vinyl points out with a laugh.

“Ya got me there, yeah, I don’t think I want that hassle.”

We get to the restaurant and get a table. “Anyway, I’m gonna go see about cashing in that favor.”

I sit at the table and wait. I hold up the lyre and think about what Twilight said. It’s supposed to be held by a constellation. That pony in the park said her name was Lyra, just like the constellation, and Twilight mentioned that there are stellar creatures... Was that how that Heartstrings mare knew so much about me? She’s a stellar being like me? It would certainly explain a lot... but why give me this? It’s a kickass party trick, but she must have had some reason for it. Maybe Luna would know.

But I don’t care what Luna says or does, I’m definitely keeping this. It’s mine now, and that’s that.

I get a bit bored so I pull out some coal and start messing with it, making it float in front of my face, swirling around as dust or solidifying into various shapes. I just set it aflame and keep it hovering in front of me, staring at the flickering blaze. The coal starts to wear down as the fire eats at it, so I put it out and think about the various uses. I pull out a bit more coal and form it into a simple, three-fingered claw shape. I watch as I make it work it’s joints, opening and closing. I add more coal to it until I’ve used about half my stash.

I make it form a normal human hand, roughly the size of mine. It’s not a perfect representation, but decent enough. I make my floating construct wiggle it’s fingers, form a fist, and use it to give a random pony the finger while they’re turned away. Heh.

I look to the table and I see the salt and pepper shakers. I have the hand float over and it picks up the salt shaker with just as much precision as a normal human. I have the coal-hand hold up the shaker and then set it down, switching to the pepper, which I order the hand to drop into my normal human palm, which it does, obviously. Turning back to the hand, I reshape the fingers, making them thinner and more curved, making a set of claws. I don’t know why, but I feel mesmerized by my control over it. I mean it’s expected, it’s coal after all, but I’ve never made something like a hand before. Something so complex and intricate, yet simple in shape...

The way I can just... order it to move, to wave, pick things up as if it were a part of me. It’s hypnotic, like I’m connected to hit. Like it’s my hand. But that illusion is shattered once I have it pick up the salt shaker and there’s no nervous signal of me holding it. Of course there isn’t, it’s not even connected to me, and yet... that doesn’t matter. It’s still me controlling it. Then I realize something.

If I’d have thought of this earlier, I could have fixed Granny Smith’s sink without even touching that disgusting sludge! I mentally facepalm, but unfortunately, my coal-hand thinks I gave it an order, and I end up smacking myself in the face with a piece of coal, which then falls to my lap now that I’m not thinking about it holding up. I guess I need a bit more practice with this ‘focus’ thing than I thought.

Chapter 55

Vinyl sauntered back towards me, a trio of drinks in her grip, and a little placard with a number on it.

“Here ya go... wait, what’s up with your face, dude?” She looks at me, an eyebrow quirked. It looks like she’s trying to hold back laughter.

I realize the facepalm must have left a coal-dust imprint on me. “Aw, it’s nothing.” I hold up my hand and pull the dust away from my face and into my hand, and told it to go back in my coal pouch.

Vinyl shakes her head mirthfully. “Ha, well, you should put it back on. That face-paint look was gnarly. Anyways, here’s your drink, these two are mine.”

I take the milkshake and take a sip. Chocolate, awesome.

“Oh, yeah, I ordered a fish platter to split, Maestro’s working his magic in the back. Said he’ll bring it out for us. Oh, that reminds me, you got any plans for the party itself, when you’re not performing? I’m planning to hit the dry bar. Pinkie never brings anything with alcohol, but I’m fine with the punches she usually brings in. I hear they’re local-brewed.”

“Huh, I kinda passed up the chance during my Ponyville Initiation party a while back. As for ideas, not really. Though I do wonder, how well would most ponies take dark music?”

Vinyl shrugged, then gulped down part of her first drink. “I guess it depends on the pony. Around here, I have no idea, but I think there’ll be foals around. Still, most ponies should be fine, as long as it isn’t too negative. Harmonic Magics and all, y’know.”

“Well, I had one planned, but now that you mention foals... I think I have a better one. No less intense though.” The mention of Harmonic Magics intrigues me, but I’ll just ask Twilight later about it.

“Well, if it’s good and has a strong beat, ponies will like it just fine.” Vinyl throws back another gulp of her drink, finishing it off. Wait, two gulps for a drink that size? Huh.

“Oh trust me, it’s good. At least it is if you ask me. You a fan of hard rock? It’s real popular in my world.”

“Hard rock? Sounds like farm music to me. You got lotsa lithoculturalists where you come from?” What’s a lithoculturalist?

“Uh, what?”

“Y’know, rock farmers. Like Pinkie’s folks.”

“...I’ll ask later. Anyway, no, we don’t have rock farmers. In this case, it refers to Rock and Roll that’s a bit heavier than typical. I’ll give you a chance to hear it at the party.”

“Rock and Roll? Weird name for a type of music. Anyways, We should-” she’s cut off as a large platter of fish, with seven beautifully cooked and presented fish, is set in front of us. I look over, and stop for a second. Then, I look up, and am now staring at a very large, imposing gryphon. The gryphon’s silvery-white feathers fade to a golden-brown past his head and neck, and he’s wearing a white chef’s smock, with a bandoleer of cooking implements over one shoulder. At least three types of cleaver are visible.

“Maestro! That was prompt, you’re getting faster, dude.” Vinyl held out a hoof, to which the gryphon - apparently Maestro - gave a stern, serious bump with his claw, held in a fist.

“I am always seeking to improof myself, Mezz Scratch. And you, mezzer Anthony. Your fighting is very beeindruckend, ah, impressive. Mezz Scratch, she take good care of me when I needed help, I am sure that that she vill take good care uff hyu too.” his accent seemed to get thicker the more he spoke. It was a touch curious, but what had my real attention was the fact that he was a bit taller than Cadence, and might have been a contender for Celestia.

“I don’t really know what you mean by her taking care of me, but if Vinyl’s telling the truth, this is gonna be some great fish.”

“I vould not let it be less for ze one who sayffed my Gaststätte, my humble place uff food. She takes good care uff her friends, she is good pony to haff, as zey say, ‘on hoof’, ja? Good to haff around.”

“I think I’d agree with that.” I turn to Vinyl. “Never pegged you for a hero. You got a costume stashed in with your equipment back there?”

“Oh, I’ve got costumes, but they aren’t public appropriate, if you catch my drift.” Vinyl’s smile grew a little wider. “What Maestro here is talking about is when he first started this place up, all the ponies around here were terrified of him. I didn’t really care, so I start coming here. Once ponies saw I wasn’t being attacked and devoured whenever I went in, they started showing up, too. Saved his place from having to be shut down from lack of income.”

“Wait, devoured? Unless what I know of gryphons is wrong, they don’t eat ponies.” I turn to the chef beside me for clarification.

“Though it is not prepared any more, the recipe for tartar, pony steak, is still passed down the generations. And I doubt my frau, my wife, would appreciate if I did not... ‘eat her’ at least once a night. Would be bad for relationship, ja?”

“Heh, yeah, I keep hearing tartar be mentioned. This place must be different, because at home, the stuff is made with cow.”

“Would just be steak then, would it not?” Maestro points out, quirking a feathered eyebrow.

“We have tons of words for other words, it’s kind of annoying. But yeah, I’m looking forward to this fish. It certainly smells really good.”

My stomach rumbles, and I look down to see that, while I’ve been talking, Vinyl has already dug into the fish on the other side. In fact, she’s almost done, and I scramble to catch up, tearing into the delicious, delicious fish.

A near-overload of tastes hits me like a wall, spices and and herbs riding the flavor of the fish across my senses. It’s like eating a piscine piece of heaven. The fish is slightly flaky, and just juicy enough to practically melt in my mouth.

Before too long, I’ve finished three fish, and Vinyl has done the same, the last fish sitting between us. Maestro has gone back to the kitchen already, preparing food for the other patrons of the restaurant. I take the moment to look around, and see that it’s mostly pegasi and earth ponies. In fact, Scratch is the only unicorn in the joint. Makes sense. Flutters said that most unicorns don’t eat fish. No surprises here. I look at the last fish, then at Vinyl.

“I could fight you for it, but I’m not in the mood.” I pull out some coal and, making a solid, sharp cleaver blade, chop it in half as best I can. “Neat trick, huh?”

Vinyl, already looking a bit tubby from the three large fish in her rather small belly, scoffs. “You’re just avoiding a fight with me ‘cuz I’d win from sheer awesomeness.” One half of the fish levitates over to her side of the wide platter.

I sigh. “Why can’t more of these ponies be like you? The place would be at least eight times less lame.”

Vinyl waved a hoof and swallowed the mouthful of fish she’d gotten. “Mmph, if everypony were as awesome as I, the universe would explode. It’s strained already from the League of DJs, anyhow.”

I just give her a grin and grab my half of the fish. “Yeah, that would be bad. I wouldn’t have any more adoring fans.” I then take a big bite out of the fish. It looks kind of like salmon of some kind.

The two of us eat the remainders of our fish, trading quips and well-intentioned insults back and forth the entire time. Afterwards, Vinyl gives a loud, table-rattling belch, then thumps herself on the chest. “Drat, didn’t get it at full force. What about you, man?” I hear the gryphon in the back call out a gruff ‘you’re welcome!’ as I prepare my own.

Guess I don’t have to hold back. I haven’t done this in a while, but I’m gonna give it a shot anyway. A strong, windy belch echoes forth, but I can’t seem to get the volume I wanted, nor the timber I needed. Still, Maestro calls out another ‘you’re welcome!’, so I must’ve done alright.

“Ah, so much better.” Vinyl slumps back in her seat. “By the way, dude, never do that in Canterlot. It’s polite around gryphons, pegasi, and earth ponies, but most unicorns are a bunch of uptight snobs. ‘Specially in the big C.”

“Yeah, when I was around there, the most fun I had was at the club, in the mall’s toy section, and chatting with the princesses. How do they not keel over from boredom?”

“‘Cuz they have art museums, where the artwork they paid for or made themselves gets cooed over by their sycophants and allies, or boo’d at by their enemies and detractors.” Vinyl’s response was cool in tone, and I could see her brows furrow behind her glasses.

“Yeah, not really my thing. I prefer parties... which we should probably attend, considering guests might have started arriving by now. You know Pinkie’s parties. Early arrivals are the norm.”

“Pfft, the party don’t start ‘till I trot in. ‘Sides, we’ve gotta work off this food somehow, or I’m gonna pass out in the DJ booth.”

“So what? We run laps around town?”

“Nah, we’ll just jog to the party in a few minutes. First, though, lets get one more milkshake each.”

“Sounds good. I really can’t wait to show you and all these ponies what music I listen to.”

“Heh.”

Chapter 56

As we waddle back to the building the party’s booked at, the Cloudburst Begins, and we’re soaked almost instantly.

“Nice try, but you pranksters will have to do better than that.” I enter my Heat form and evaporate all the water off of me.

Vinyl looks over at me, her ‘do already waterlogged and flat. “Dude, the rain’s scheduled for today, it must be three already. I guess we’d better hurry after all. Vinyl Scratch hasn’t been late to a gig yet, and I don’t plan on that changing!”

“Right, rain schedule. Forgot. I guess I’m just used to this prank war. Pinkie and Dash are going down someday.” I grin. “You uh, gonna need some help drying off when we get inside?”

She nods, her mane flopping in the rain.

We step inside, and the first thing she does is shake like a dog, her entire coat and mane poofing out. While this means her mane is back to being in those natural spikes I’m used to, the rest of her looks so... poofy!

“Ha! Oh man I wish I had a camera! This is gold!”

“Ah, just dry me already!” Vinyl sounds a touch disgruntled.

I begin generating heat again and wave my hands around her body, heating her up to dry her off. The heat drying leaves her entire body still poofy, no matter what she does to try smoothing it down. Honestly, it’s very cute, but I can understand it’d totally ruin her hard DJ persona forever.

“And that’s why you shouldn’t shake. You end up looking like a giant stuffed animal.”

“Argh! I’m so fluffy I could die!” Vinyl shouts, while trying to pat her fur down. Deciding to help, I try petting her fur back into place, keeping my hands warm, to act kind of like hair straighteners.

She smile and leans into my ministrations, and I realize she’s falling asleep when she sort of tips towards me, and I have to pat her on the face to make her wake up.

“Oh, sorry dude. those fingers are awesome. Hey, if I get my hoof chopped off, you think they could make a robot arm with fingers on it, like in comic books?”

“Probably not. Well, maybe, but it might not work exactly the way you expect.”

“Ooh, but think of the possibilities!” She starts heading towards the stage’s side entrance. “All the things I could do... all the ponies I could do them to...” She grins widely, obviously thinking of what she could do with a robo-hoof-hand.

“I can probably think of all the things you’re imagining.” I say, wiggling my fingers. “But trust me, if you chop off your hoof and find out that they can’t replace it, you might as well paint ‘idiot’ over your Cutie Mark.”

“And then, the hangover the next morning will be the least of my problems.” Vinyl quips back, and we step up onto the stage.

“Alright, I’ll let you do your thing, miss Master DJ. I’m thinking I’ll give a few sample songs of my own later.”

“Alright, fine. You go mingle, I’ll hold the fort. Thanks for the dry-off and brush down, man.”

“Aw, it’s the least I could do.” I then give her a grin. “Count yourself lucky I decided to not leave you with a poofy rear-end.” I walk off to hang around the other party guests, chuckling at the mental image.

I wade out into the sea of ponies who’ve showed up, and I get a big hello from Pinkie. She still makes me smile just by being herself, even if ‘we’ won’t go anywhere. Besides, friendship is all I really need. I just needed to get that kiss out of my system. I find a place to sit down and just relax. I figure it won’t be long before someone comes over and wants to chat with the ‘Hero of Ponyville’.

The first pony that comes up is accompanied by a parent, and the little filly comes over and puts a hoof on my leg. It looks like her parent is going to pull her back, but I just say. “You know, if ya wanna know something, you can just ask, little filly.”

The filly looks up at me with big, soft eyes. “Can I have a hug?”

The mother, apparently thinking I don’t like kids or something reaches out to pull her daughter back. Killjoy parents are annoying. I pick up the filly and give her a hug. Not very hard, but still firm enough to constitute an actual hug rather than just a light hold.

The filly snuggles into my embrace, eliciting a smile from me. I chuckle as I put her down gently. The mother looks disapprovingly at her child. If it weren’t for the fact that the two look almost identical, I’d have a hard time telling they’re related, actually, given how differently they act.

The mother pulls her daughter away, muttering angrily at the child. I can’t really do much more than make a scene, and decide not to push it. That said, if I see a way to give that filly a brighter day in the future, I’m taking it then and there. In fact, that gives me an idea. I’ll have to ask Rarity if she can make me a shirt that says “Free Hugs” on it...

“Anthony! It’s so good to see you here at the party!” I don’t get a chance to respond before Pinkie has glomped me, hugging me close for a moment, then letting me go.

“Well, it is for me, and even though the first one for me didn’t really last that long, I attended, didn’t I?” I boop her nose.

“Heehee! Yupperoonie, you sure did. Hey, you should play some games with me in a little bit! There’s all sort of party games available tonight!” Pinkie doesn’t wait for a response before pronking into the crowd. For being a neon-pink bouncing pony, she disappears in crowds eerily easily.

When she mentioned party games, the first thing in my head was ‘Twister’ but then I remembered that, being quadrupedal, it might be either really easy, or near-impossible for them. What else would they have?

As I try to think of possible pony party plans, another of the colorful equines comes up, a youngish looking mare with a cautious, hopeful look on her face, and at least four friends trying - and failing - to urge her on from the sidelines surreptitiously.

“I, ah, uhm...” Her pick-up lines need some help, I can tell. “Could, I, uh...”

With less than ten syllables spoken, she’s already made herself blush bright enough to call home lost ships through the fog.

“Yeeeeeeees?” I ask with a grin, extending the word to urge her to finish her request.

She continues to stumble over her words, blush growing ever redder with every stuttered syllable, and she keep glancing back at her friends. It’s almost a full minute later that she finally says something coherent. “C- could I a-a-ask you t-t-to th- the uhm, dance?”

“Ah, a school dance huh? Well aren’t you the brave mare. I’m not sure if I’d be entirely welcome, but... maybe you’d have better luck asking a stallion. I appreciate the offer though. You’re nice.” I give her a sweet smile, letting her down as gently as I could. I didn’t want to do anything like that, I hated school dances, but I didn’t want to be a jerk.

“N-no, the d-d-dance here. A-at the party.” I see her friends begin looming eagerly behind their friend.

“Well, that’s a different story. I suppose one dance wouldn’t hurt. Sure, why not? Though it might be a bit odd dancing with someone with only two legs, fair warning.” She nods, then runs back to her friends, and the whole group squees and moves off, likely to get a dance for one of the others.

I shake my head and chuckle. I’m a freaking stud. Shame none of them are my type. Human that is.

A tall, well-muscled stallion, perfectly white coat and golden-yellow mane, strides towards me, the crowd parting almost instinctively for him. His advance is like watching a glacier on fast forward, and about as inevitable. He stops right in front of my chair, standing as stiff as a new recruit with a drill sergeant nearby. After several moments of him not moving or saying anything, I decide to speak up, instead of waiting any longer for him to do something.

“May I help you, sir?”

He salutes, and barks out, “No, I am here for observation only!”

Hmm, if that stick was any farther up, it’d be photosynthesizing out his ears.

“Well, what you see is what you get, just a guy who likes a bit of action.”

The pony doesn’t respond. For all he does anything, he could be a statue, and I don’t think I’d notice any difference.

“You waiting for a goodbye kiss?” I ask with a smirk.

“No.”

“Well, I see no reason to keep you. Seriously though, if you want to be taking notes from heroes or something, I’m not the one you want.”

“No. I will be fine. I am waiting.”

“For what? Me to do something cool?”

“No.” My, isn’t this a stimulating conversation.

“Well, then what is it? As much as I enjoy this riveting chat, it’s becoming rather boring.”

“I am waiting.” He continues to stand, and I notice that he’s stood there long enough that the other ponies have started reacting as if he’s either a piece of furniture or a pillar in the middle of the room. He is really still.

I lean back in the chair and fold my legs. “Okay. Then wait. I don’t have much to do except play some music later. Oh, and dance for a bit I suppose.”

When the pony doesn’t respond, I sigh and decide to stop paying attention. I’ll see if he’s still here when I get back from playing the songs.

I walk up to the stage by Vinyl, Lyre in hand, and wait for her to finish her current set.

As she finishes, I step onto stage, and hold out the Lyre. Vinyl announces that I’ll be providing a song from my homelands, and I chuckle, realizing that these ponies have no idea how awesome what I’m about to do is going to be. I hesitate for only moment when I see that the Soldier Pony is front-row center in front of the stage, once more as still of a weeping angel and almost as scary.

“Alright everyone. I like your music and all, it’s great. But I wanna show you what us humans call ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll’. This song is calledLevitate.”

I Spark up and begin strumming the Lyre, and watch the ponies’ reactions, and only turn back when I realize that part of the song is coming from behind me this time. It seems that the Lyre’s magic is co-opting Vinyl for some of the music.

In moments, almost every pony in the club is hopping, bobbing their heads, just about anything their bodies can do to get the music vibes moving with them. For the entire duration of the song, I play and sing along, the sounds of an entire band pouring from me and Vinyl together.

I’m panting as the song ends, slightly out of breath, but it feels like an almighty rush. I grin out at the crowd, and get ready to blow their minds again as they grin back. I can see Pinkie weaving between ponies to pass out drinks and hors d'oeuvres

“I have another song planned, but it’s... a bit different. I’m not entirely sure how well you’ll like it, but I think I’m gonna give you something a bit... heavier. This one is a Hard Rock song calledDivide.” As soon as I start, I know it’s a huge transition, but I really want to show these ponies what kind of music I like.

The ponies stand stunned for a few moments, but as the lyrics hit them, I see a few heads bob, and a few ponies are starting to smile as well. Almost halfway through, most of the ponies have at least started nodding along, and a few are bouncing in place a little.

I am, however, getting a few unhappy looks from what I’m guessing are the parents, judging by the fact that they have their hooves over a foal’s ears.

I’m not going to stop though, I like this, besides, seems others do as well.

I finish the song, and stand on stage, starting to understand why musicians love to perform so much; it’s a real rush. Although, once more, my star form has picked up the shadows-to-starry-sky effect, and I still my Spark to get rid of the effect.

“So, how was that?” I ask. “I suppose we like our music a bit rough...”

Many ponies, but not all, cheered. About a third seemed to be in favor, half are about neutral, and the rest don’t seem to like it.

“Well, I’m fine with a bit of criticism. Those that enjoyed it, thank you. Those that didn’t, I apologize for having a much different culture from yours, and I forgive you for your racism.” With that, I walk off the stage.

Right in front of me is the Soldier Pony again, startling me. It’s weird, because I never seem to see him move, after that first time. “Relinquish the artifact.”

“No.”

Chapter 57

“That was not a request. Relinquish control of the artifact, it is not yours.”

“It is now. What, you wanna stop me?” I summon some coal from my pouch and have it form a clamp around his muzzle.

For a moment, it holds. Then, he snorts, and the coal dissipates, completely gone. How the-? He’s not even a unicorn!

“Relinquish. The artifact.” He glares at me.

“I don’t think you want to fight me. Bystanders could get hurt, so just run along and take your business elsewhere, asshole.”

“I am not here to fight. I am here to collect the artifact, then return it. Those are my orders.”

“Return it to who? Why don’t I just talk to them?”

“Because Lyra is in trouble, and is not allowed to leave her place. She should not have given the Lyre to you in the first place.”

“We all make mistakes, dude. Finders keepers.”

“You did not merely ‘find’ it, any more than you find the sun in the morning. Now give me the artifact.”

“So Lyra can be saved right? Well, why not I help her, and I keep the Lyre?”

“She is in trouble because she gave you the Lyre. She does not need rescuing, she needs to learn to do what she is directed by Natoque.”

“So she wants to do what she wants, big deal. How about I give it to her, personally? Supposedly, this artifact is incredibly powerful, and I’m not about to trust it with a middleman.”

The stallion snorts angrily. “No. Relinquish it to me at once!” his voice rises, but I’m not very impressed. The demon had way more impressive pipes.

Pinkie hops over, and looks between us. “Hello! Who wants hors d'oeuvres?” A platter of small pieces of cheese, coated in chocolate and speared with a toothpick, sat on the plate.

“Ooh, awesome!” I grab one and pop it into my mouth. I wince at the taste, the first time with Pinkie’s creations. It tastes like stale gouda and overly-sweet milk chocolate. I turn to Pinkie. “So, uh, who’s catering?” At this point I’m not even paying the stallion any mind.

“Uh, I am! Right? Yeah! I’m catering! I got the recipe right, right?”

“Not bad, but just a bit more practice, I’m sure this is a bit different than cupcakes, so you’re allowed a bit of room for error.” I ruffle her mane and return to the stallion. “Anyway man, I don’t care who you are, because I don’t know who you are. How do I know you aren’t gonna steal the Lyre for yourself? How about some proof?”

He leans towards me, lengthening the shadows on his face in what I assume would be an intimidating manner if he wasn’t a good foot and a half shorter than me. “I have no need for the Lyre. That is Lyra’s tool, and I would not be able to utilize it with her degree of finesse. Now, give it to me, that I may return it to her.”

“You think I was born yesterday? I’ve heard just about every lie in the book and then some, I’m not gonna believe anyone I don’t know, especially ones who demand powerful mystical artifacts, claiming to know the owner. If you really wanted her to have it back, take me to her and I’ll give it back to her.”

“She has been derelict of her duties for fifteen nights! She must return to them, and for that she needs the Lyre!”

“Prove it.”

The large stallion opens his mouth to say something, but stops when a hoof, blue-green and feminine, pats him on the shoulder.

“Stand down, Galeam, if he’s been this resistant to just handing it over, he won’t go giving it to just anyone.” I look at the new speaker, who is a rather smallish unicorn mare, reddish mane and a cutie-mark of a set of simple scales, one side overflowing with gold, the other with nothing but black smoke.

“I should think not. Seriously, I’m not a moron. Unless I know for sure that Lyra is going to be getting this, I’m not giving it up. Period.”

The mare nodded, a pleasant smile on her face. “Alright. We will entrust the Lyre unto you, provided you promise not to allow any but Lyra to take it from you.” Her smile fell, and the room seemed to grow slightly darker. “But take care, this includes ‘lending’ the Lyre to anyone, be they pony or not.”

“Do I look like I’m stupid? I’m not going to give this thing up, especially given the build-up you’ve been giving to how important it is. I may be reckless, but I know when something needs to be taken seriously.”

The mare nodded, and charged her horn, an aura the deep blue of late night or early morning issuing forth. A piece of parchment, glimmering with tiny sparkles of light, issued forth from the aura. Written on the parchment was legalese for ‘don’t lend, give, or throw away the Lyre’, and detailing several gruesome fates for me if I did any of those things, including...

“Denyxtification? What’s that?”

“To be stripped of your star core, and become one with the void.” The stallion said, face stony-blank once more.

“Ooooookay then. And how did I get this core in the first place?”

The two ponies shrugged, the mare offering up a quill with which to sign.

“Well, I guess I’ll sign, since none of these threats will apply. I’m not letting something like this out of my sight. It’s a killer at parties.” I sign my name, my real name, figuring if Lyra knew, it wouldn’t matter to hide it. “Speaking of parties, I should be getting back to mine, and I promised a mare I would dance with her.”

The unicorn nodded, her smile pleasant again. “Then I shall sign this, and you may be on your way.” She placed her hoof on the parchment next to mine. She pulled her hoof back, and an inky-black hole into the night sky shimmered on the paper. Faint lines connected a series of stars in the shape of her cutie mark.

“Alright, cya later Libra. And tell your friend to pull the stick out of his butt.”

The mare chuckled. “We’ve been trying for centuries, and it just seems to get lodged farther in there.” The stallion’s blank look tipped downward at the edges, turning into a vague frown.

I walk off to let them do their thing. I did promise that mare a dance, so I decide to look for her through the large crowd. As I step near the dance floor, the mare practically materializes, and I see that Pinkie has pushed her up to me, smiling and grinning as she fades back into the crowd. The young mare grins bashfully.

“Aw, come on. You should feel proud, you have the guts to ask the local alien to dance.” The mare nods, her smile still a little shaky, as she leads me to the dance floor. On the floor, it’s mostly packed with ponies doing fairly typical ‘this area is is super crowded’ dances. There’s only a single open space, and that’s where Twilight is getting her groove on. Or having a seizure, it’s a bit hard to tell with that facial expression she has.

“Heh, and she calls me strange. Anyway...” I turn to the mare at my side. “I honestly have no idea how to do this with a pony, so it’s probably gonna be a bit weird, but I’ll try.”

The young mare nods, and opens her mouth to say something, when the music changes. I look towards the stage to see Octavia, of all ponies, standing on a raised part of the stage. She’s holding up an absolutely massive contrabass, at least as tall as she is, standing on her rear hooves. While she’s as impeccably groomed as normal, the contrabass is completely different than expected, with tron lines outlining it and each string lit up a dull white.

Seriously, these ponies have the coolest instruments! If it weren’t for the starfield shadows on my harp and it’s musical capabilities, I’d feel gypped. I wait for Octavia to begin and mutter to myself. “Come on ‘Tavi, let’s see what you got.”

A slow, gentle stroke of the bow across the strings calls forth a soft, deep rumble from the bass, each of the strings lighting up as they are struck. Suddenly, the music picks up in speed as she begins to frantically pluck strings, and the sounds of a piano follows in the background. My eyebrows raise as the music refuses to slow, and the mare I’m with is grinning broadly. I’m already starting to tap my feet and I can feel the music flow through me, trying to make me move.

All the ponies seem to be dancing differently, each choosing their own way to move on the dancefloor.

I turn to the mare beside me. “Shall we?” I indicate that she should lead, as I don’t understand how this would work.

She just giggles and starts... moving. For a moment I’m lost, before it hits me: just move. This is not a formal dance, so... I just start moving to the music, letting the rhythm just do whatever it wants with me.

Laughing along with the other ponies, I barely notice when the music changes, just slowing with the beat like everypony else. for several minutes, I’m just another happy person in a crowd of dozens.

This isn’t like the rave in Canterlot, and definitely not like a concert back home, but... I like this just as much. I feel like I belong here, even if I’m the most different. Life is good.

Finally, the music comes to an end, and every pony and myself in the place all stomp and clap and generally give the applause the artists on stage deserve, Octavia giving a formal bow while Vinyl throws her hooves up like the reigning champion of an arena.

I think of something, then I grin. I turn to the mare and excuse myself. I walk up to the stage and ask Octavia if I can do a slow song as well.

She nods, and Vinyl quickly folds up the temporary stand. I wave Octavia back on as she gets ready to leave, and she smiles. The crowd cheers at me as I return to the front of the stage, the last song apparently forgiven for the most part.

“Alright. This is going to be a very... different song. Just to let you know, us humans aren’t all a bunch of metalheads... well, all the time. This is a love song, by the way.” I Spark up and strum the Lyre gently, not bothering to introduce the song this time.

The notes flow out, the soft sounds of a guitar being followed by all sorts of instruments. I sing the song, gently crooning into the mic in front of me. The entire place is enraptured, listening to the notes pouring forth from my fingers, lungs and soul. Octavia is strumming the bass like a giant guitar, and Vinyl is bobbing her head as she provides various snippets to fake at least two other instruments, including the drums.

The song begins to wind down, the final chords being plucked one at a time, before revealing that the song’s not over yet. Playing like my hands are on fire, I barely notice that the starfield effect has crept up my arms from the harp again, all the way to my chest and probably my face, too. The backlighting meant I probably looked like a hole of night pouring out the music everypony bounced to.

Finally, the song came to its actual end, fading out. I let my Spark fade, taking the starfield with it. Once more, I’m breathless and kind of sweaty from the hot stage lights, but it’s such a rush!

The ponies below stomp their approval, shouting and hollering. It takes a moment before the smattering of individuals organize enough to start the crowd chanting a single word.

“En-core! En-core! En-core! En-core!”

I grin and respond. “Well, that depends. Do you want the same song, or a similar one?”

“New song! New song!”

“Alright, let me think...” I take a few moments to think of a nice smooth song, but with a good beat anyway... I grin lightly. “This is going to be a bit different, but I think you’ll like it. This one is called Victorian Vigilante. Just to warn you, it’s a little dark near the end.”

I begin to stroke the strings of the Lyre again, and a jaunty tune begins to pour out, all brass and the gentle piping of an organ grinder. Once more, my Sparked arms become coated in night, and the music flows out through me, and the ponies are all listening to the story of the song, and I can almost feel their silent prayers that the unnamed hero takes out the villain, hanging on every word like I was some kind of prophet or radio star.

I come near the conclusion, and I hear their quieted gasps as the villain seems to get the upper hand... only to lose the fight, and his life. I see a few of the more squeamish ponies blanch at the mention of bloodshed, but most of the earth ponies and pegasi are nodding along and smiling as the song finishes.

Once more, the crowd erupts with applause, and I have to decline another request for an encore. After all, I said I’d go play a few games with Pinkie... I think I did at least. Either way, they sound fun, and I don’t want to miss a good chance to enjoy the party as a whole.

Chapter 58

I look around for Pinkie and I’m surprised how such an energetic, brightly colored mare can just hide in a crowd like this. Guess she’s just got a talent for it. Wait... technically, she does. Duh.

Shaking my head, I get ready to find Pinkie, when, lo and behold, I see her wandering through the crowd, grinning happily and holding aloft a platter of hors d'oeuvres and drinks again. “Heya Anthony! Great songs, d’ya want some hors d’oeuvres?” I look at the platter, seeing strawberries dipped in chocolate. Much better than stale gouda. I snag one, and ask if she’d like to go play some of the games like she suggested. for a moment, I could swear she looked surprised, but then she points towards one side of the large room.

“I’ll be over there in a moment, why don’t you go and play a few games ‘till I’m there?” she suggests.

“Sure, take your time. It must be difficult hosting a party this big all by yourself.” I pat her on the head. “Just don’t exhaust yourself.” With that, I head off to find the games area. Seriously, what sorts of games do they have?

I meander through the crowd, moving with the flows, and I get to the games eager to play. To my surprise, Pinkie has beaten me here! I knew she’s fast, but I didn’t know she’s that fast. She could probably give Rainbow Dash a run for her money. I step forward and check out the games.

Pinkie appears to be playing a cake walk, piles of treats and goodies in numbered spots corresponding to spots on the floor up for grabs. a line of happy foals are going around the ring, hoping to get the best prizes for themselves.

The next station over is a game of musical chairs, which down to a fierce competition between Rainbow Dash and... Dinky? Dang, you go filly! The two competitors are glaring at each other as they pace around the chair, the bouncy polka repetitive enough to fool the senses if you didn’t pay attention.

The silly, happy music made their glaring eyes seem absolutely ridiculous. I probably shouldn’t interfere, but I soooo want to.

The next one is a classic: pin the tail on the... pony? Okay, it’s a pony picture, instead of a donkey, and appears to be a picture of Pinkie herself, and the sheer number of foals and adults clustered around it appears to indicate it’s a ‘serious’ game around here.

Well, I suppose if it’s played similarly, its just as much a game of coordination as many games.

A small mountain of board games go untouched in the next area over, save for three pairs of ponies each playing a game of what looks like chess. However, the pieces are different looking, and move a little differently, I think.

I decide that Pin the Tail would be very odd for me, given my height and all, so that’s out. I decide I might as well give the cakewalk a try, maybe do some musical chairs once Dash and Dinky are done.

I step over to the cakewalk, and am a little surprised to see that Pinkie has dropped out, and that the ring of foals is two deep, and I can’t even get close. The glares here are turning feral, and I even see a couple of foals glaring at adults that get too close to the game. Those must be some epic foods on the prize table.

The foals don’t seem to mind me, and I even find myself being pushed towards the front of the line. Once one of the foals is out, I feel a little head push me into the cakewalk. Almost immediately, the foals take note of me, and I feel the weight of a bajillion tons of hero worship descend upon me. The foals look hungry, and I see them reaching for paper and other autographing supplies with giant grins. What is it with ponies and teeny cute things becoming terrifying?

Well, I guess it’s part of being a world-renowned savior of the people. I resign myself to my fate of adoration and appreciation. But I do clarify that they’ll all get a turn if they stay in single file and go one at a time. Once all the fillies and colts are lined up, I begin my signing. I don’t bother asking who I’m signing for, because then I’d feel compelled to remember all their names, and I just know that’d give me a headache.

I finish the first round of autographs when the cakewalk starts. Right before, however, I see one of the foals get pulled into the crowd, only to be replaced by a strutting Scootaloo. Damn, she’s sneaky. If I hadn’t been looking back to make sure there was no open spaces, I wouldn’t have seen it. Maybe she’s trying to get a ninja cutie-mark? What would that look like? Would it look like anything at all? Why am I think of these things instead of paying attention to the cakewalk? I wonder what it’d be like if I didn’t have a bellybutton... Goddamn my brain.

Either way, though, the cakewalk is going well. The only problem is that a minor shoving problem has begun to arise every time Scootaloo is almost to the ‘grand prize’ spot. I check out what’s in the prize spot for the number, and see a plain metal bowl full of wrapped candy. Each of them is a little ball, with a yellow wrapper with pink twists. Nothing really impressive, is it?

Either way, though, Scootaloo keeps shoving to get there, and then refusing to move until she has to. She’s being generally rude tonight, and I want to know why. I’m almost willing to drop out, grab her by the scruff of her neck - ponies have scruffs, right? - and demand an answer, if it weren’t for the fact that an adult will likely intervene soon enough.

Wait... all the adults but me are being pushed away from the cakewalk. Crap. I shrug and walk over. Guess I have to be dad for a minute. I pick up Scootaloo, my hands fitting easily around her small barrel. Once I’m holding her a good three feet off the ground, I take her to a more open area. “What the hell Scoots!? You hit your head or something?”

She looks at me, her eyes gone big and watery. “N- no...” I practically feel her trying to pull a turtle and tuck her head into her collarbone. I sigh. “What was that all about? It’s just a party game. Nobody cares who wins!”

“B- but I-” She looks like she’s about to cry. What, was she bullied into getting the candy or something? Do ponies build up gambling debts or something at this age? I can’t think of any reason she’d act like this. It’s just mean.

“Seriously Scoots. You know for a fact I hate bullies. I want to like you, you’re nice and all, but I don’t want to be friends with a bully, so just chill out, okay?”

“I- I’m not a- a bully...” her ears go down and her little wings are stuck to her sides like they’re glued there.

I scoff. “You sure act like it, the way you were shoving those other kids around just to win some stupid candy.”

“I just... I wanted to...” she trails off, looking embarrassed and disappointed all in one. “I just wanted to get the candy ‘cuz I- I wanted to... give it to you...”

I think I’m starting to get it. She wants to be my number one fan or something. “Scootaloo, I don’t need candy to appreciate someone. Just be yourself... as long as that doesn’t involve being a total jerk. We’re here to have fun, not win at any cost.” I take a breath. “Winning is fun and all, but how fun is it really when everyone hates you for winning?”

Scootaloo shakes her head sadly, and she still looks a half step from bawling her eyes out.

“Listen, I don’t hate you. I want to be your friend, but I just can’t be friends with a jerk. Just follow the golden rule and I’ll appreciate you more than if you’re a bully who wants to give me stuff.”

“W- what’s the ‘golden rule’?” That really catches me off guard. Shouldn’t, in a society like this, that should be encouraged and taught even more?

“The golden rule is to treat other ponies the way you want them to treat you. If you want to be treated with kindness and compassion, you do it first.”

“Oh... okay. I- I’m sorry.” She looks up at me with her eyes pleading. As well, she’s all puffed up again. Pretty sure it’s a pegasus thing, the other ponies don’t do this.

“Well, since I’m such a fantastic guy, I’ll give you another chance, alright?” I give her a hug, and try and see if I can pat down the poofiness. It honestly looks totally silly.

She closes her eyes and leans into the pats, but the poofy isn’t going away. Drat. Still, I think I’m done with the cakewalk for now, and it looks as though Pinkie has moved over to the board games area, and is pulling out some games. Maybe she’s got a board game me and Scootaloo can play. If she was so desperate to get ‘first place’ to show off to me, maybe she’ll like an actual competition better.

I want to see if they have Othello or Mancala... Haven’t played those in a while. I carry Scootaloo over to the board game area. “But if you want a challenge and to impress me, how about you try beating me in something aside from everyone else?”

Scootaloo nods her head fast enough to make me think it might come loose. I chuckle and step over the foals and through the partying ponies to the board games area. Pinkie appears to have pulled a version of ‘Candyland’ or something, though the board looks a little weird.

“Anthony!” Pinkie’s expression brightens up as I step up. “It’s so good to see you, are you enjoying the party?”

Oooookay, she’s definitely off today. “Yeah, of course I am, I still am. I don’t think it’d change much after the other three times you asked me.” Something is strange here, more than her just being Pinkie, but I can’t quite place it...

“I asked you thrice already? Oopsie-daisy! Sorry about that, it’s such a super-big funtastic party.” She pauses to think a moment. “Ooh, d’you wanna play Wunderland? It’s super cool!”

“Well, sure. Might be interesting. Can’t wait for when we go in a few months, I suppose?”

“Indeedly-do! I get to see Granny Pie again!” She squees and hugs herself, looking utterly delighted. “It’s been so long, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to see me, too.”

After a moment of watching the poofy pink party pony rock happily, I remind her of the game.

“Oh, right! Well, this is the first board, but we don’t need the second until we’ve either slain a Jabberwock or been disemvoweled by a Leery Vundermunch. Then, we’ll go to the second board and try to gringle some hobwatches, and escape the Queen in Red. And best of all, it’s a game where we all work together if we want!” Pinkie beams happily around the table, in spite of half the words refusing to settle into my brain.

“Well, I think first, Scoots and I would like a little one-on-one competition. You got Othello?”

“Never heard of it! I’ve got a copy of Marenopoly though. We could play three players on that!”

Deciding that there’s not many other options for games I would most likely already understand the rules, I go for that, ignoring the pun. At some point, I’ll have to figure out what the pony-named equivalents of some of my favorites are.

“Alright, each of the sections are based on a street from Old Canterlot, before it was expanded to more than just the palace and the nearby houses.” Pinkie explained, Scootaloo rolling her eyes. I don’t know this, though, so it’s good to know - also, the board seems to be circular; not rectangular. Interesting.

Pinkie continues to point out little things that build up to some fairly major differences in how the board is set up, but the rules sound about the same. There’s only two train stations, and they’re used to go between them if you land there, not as properties. The jail is a different section of the board, with a bunch of penalties to leave it, instead of the ‘roll a double’ rule, making it a more grueling challenge to leave the ‘dungeons’. Also, cheating is apparently supported by the rules, and all the fake money slips are purposefully left blank on the backs so you can double deal and pretend to pay more or less for something. It’s a surprisingly complex twist on an otherwise fairly simple game. The cheating aspect especially, you’d expect it to be much more harshly dealt with here in magical, happy, ponyland. When I bring this up, Pinkie responds that it’s not only perfectly mimicking common Unicorn noble tactics and business pretty well, but that getting caught by any third party with actual evidence is how you get to the dungeons in the first place.

Shaking my head, I sigh and get ready to play the game. I have an idea, rather than picking my own piece from the set, I pull out some coal and make a little human figurine and use that instead.

After a little compacting, it’s just as solid as the tiny chariot and the little unicorn figures that came with the game, Scoots using the former and Pinkie the latter.

Pinkie looks closely at it. “Ooh! It’s a little human! Wow, you got the details perfect! Oh, now we need to roll to see who goes first, and how far they go!” She pulls out a set of eight six-sided dice. Two of them go to me, two to Scoots, and two for herself, the others going back in the box.

Chapter 59

After an hour of vigorous politics, low deals and careful sabotage of all opponents, Scootaloo stands triumphant as the victor, having managed to get both me and Pinkie indicted and thrown permanently into the dungeons and stripped of our money. My brain is still a little rattled by how vicious that little filly can be.

I lean back and look at the board, covered in ownership markers in Scootaloo’s House Colors. Damn.

“So... I have another game, Othello. At least, that’s what I call it. Hmm...” I think of how to demonstrate. “Hey Pinkie, got a piece of paper?”

Pinkie nods, reaching into her mane with a look of concentration, finally pulling out a piece of lined paper and a Bic ballpoint pen. “Huh? How’d those get in there?” Pinkie looks down at the materials with an expression of confusion, stuffing them back into her mane. I stare dumbstruck at her as she pulls out, instead, a normal piece of parchment and a quill and stoppered inkpot.

“Uh... huh. Well, I don’t want to waste ink, so I’ll just do this...” I pull out the rest of my coal and do my little coal writing trick. I use the ink to make a square board with a bunch of smaller squares, then I use coal in pucks or rings, indicating white pieces and black pieces.

“So what you do is you place your pieces and when you surround some pieces of another color with yours on either end of the line...”

I demonstrate by moving the pucks and rings, setting them up. “And when you do-”

“Ooh!” Pinkie interrupts. “I know this game, it’s called Gryphon Chess!” she leans over backwards in her chair - are her bones rubber? - and sits back up with a box showing an Othello board with the name ‘Gryphon Chess’ on the front, the tagline stating that it’s ‘a game of careful strategy and hard tactics!’

“Yep, that’s what we call Othello.” I turn to Scoots. “So what do ya think? Double-or-Nothing on Gryphon Chess?”

Scootaloo smiles and nods. “Yeah! I think we’re a good match!” She’s going poofy again. Jeez, does she have an allergic reaction to her shampoo or something?

“Alright, pick your color, and let’s start!”

She picks white, taking the first-turn advantage. The two of us go back and forth, taking and ceding lines of battle. she’s the first to take a corner, but I snag two of the others before she can properly counter. Finally, she takes the other corner, but it’s too late. A grinding battle of attrition leads to me winning, a scant three pieces more than her.

“Well played, Scootaloo. I’m impressed, that’s a good job for your first time.” I grin and ruffle her mane. “See? You don’t have to win, it’s all about how well you play the game.”

Once again, Scootaloo does her koosh-ball impression. Seriously, I’m beginning to worry about this kid. At least she acts perfectly healthy...

Chuckling at the thought, I sit back. I’ve spent around an hour and a half on the games, and I kind of want to stretch my legs again, possibly out on the dance floor. I’ve got an idea for a good song to end on, but I want to mull that over, and moving helps me think. I leave Pinkie playing another game of ‘Gryphon Chess’ with Scootaloo.

I walk out onto the floor, and I notice that Octavia and Vinyl are doing a sort of duet. Odd, given their playstyles being so different, but it’s not bad at all. I just start dancing a bit. Not going crazy, just feeling the music go through my mind. Looking around at the other partygoers, I see that it’s pretty much unanimous. Music is strange, but very well done. I wonder, do they practice this often?

I see Pinkie hop through the crowd, passing out still more hors d’oeuvres. Wait, if Pinkie’s there, did she stop playing with Scootaloo? I turn to look over the crowd, thanking my relative height as I do. No, she’s playing a game with Scootaloo, who is staring at the game with a serious expression. I turn back to the serving pony, who can’t be Pinkie. Except...

The first word in my head is ‘Changeling’ and I feel my eye twitch. Stay calm for now. I walk up to the serving Pinkie. “Hey Pinkie, could I borrow you for a moment?”

“Sure, Anthony! Lemme just get this settled.” She tucked the now-empty platter onto her back, and trotted beside me as I led her towards the game area.

I figured I should do something before this Pinkie caught on, so I had to do it fast. Luckily, that’s one of my specialties. I grab the Pinkie beside me by the tail, and, pulling her with me, I do the same to the Pinkie playing with Scootaloo. I hold both of them up so they are upside-down looking me in the eyes. “Explanation. Now. And make it good!”

To emphasize further, I enter my Heat form and ignite every part of my body except for my hands. I imagine tails are rather flammable, and I don’t want to roast the real Pinkie. “Well?” I demand.

The one that had been serving covers her eyes with her hooves, visibly frightened. The other Pinkie, on the other hand, looks worried. “Wait, Anthony, I hired them!”

“Yeah, sure. How about some proof?”

She curls up, somehow using her tail to do so. She puts both hooves on my shoulder and whispers in my ear, “Because I know that you’re happier if I’m just your friend.”

She drops back down, hanging from my grip. With a sigh, I set her down on the ground, as well as the Changeling, but I’m still not letting it go that easily. “I thought you agreed not to do any more shapeshifting or I’d kill you all. Was I not clear?”

“W-what?” The changeling is so startled, she drops her disguise, revealing a changeling. But not like the ones I’d seen in the hive. For one, this one is emaciated, thin enough I can count all eight ribs on the one side of it facing towards me. As well, it’s got a brittle, red-orange shell instead of green.

“Oh come on, I know I met one of you around the Everfree, and I warned your little scout that if I found any Changelings around, I’d burn your hive to the ground!”

“B-but I‘m not an Everfree changeling! How would I hear about this?” It’s curled up on the ground, hooves held defensively over its chest. I sigh again. “Fine, let’s hear your story, but if I find out you lied or bent the truth even a little, your people are gonna end up missing a few thousand numbers.”

The changeling nodded. “I- I’m just a harvester of a traveling cluster. There’s eight of us, and six of us were hired by the Element of Laughter to help with the party. It’s what changelings do to survive. I just want my nymphs to be healthy.”

“Last I was aware, changelings infiltrated towns, and posed as other ponies, draining the love out of their loved ones. Actually, I know this for a fact from first-hand experience.” I give the orange-black insect at my feet a hard glare, my flames not dying for a second.

“B-but what kind of morons would ruin things so badly? We may not announce ourselves, but we replace our clients so they can have more free time! I swear, we’ve never taken anyone without their express permission.” It looks up at me, its orangey eyes flat and emotionless like all changeling eyes.

I decide to give it one more test. I pick it up by it’s throat, and stare at it’s pupiless eyes with the bright specks of light that replace mine. I then increase my heat until I can see heat waves coming off of my hand, even if they aren’t flaming. Then I speak, holding it close enough I could hear it’s ragged breathing.

“Are you lying?”

“N-no! Please let me live!”

“Alright, fine.” I Power down completely and set the changeling back on the ground. It massages its throat warily.

“Now, Pinkie, we’re going to have a little talk.” I turn to the crowd, now all staring at me. “Party’s over. Go home.”

My next plan of action is to get everyone together, specifically the Elements, the Princesses, and these orange changelings, for a discussion. I relay this to the changeling, Pinkie, and Twilight, who has made her way towards us.

“So, how soon can we set up this meeting?”

Twilight looks around, the building almost completely empty and six rail-thin changelings with orangey carapaces standing or sitting nearby. Another pony walks towards us, and for a moment I’m ready to ask what she wants. then, in a burst of muddy orange fire, she turns into a changeling. The filly who steps out from behind her does the same, but into a smaller, slightly less starved-looking changeling. I recognized them, though, before they changed back. It’s the mother and child from earlier, and the foal had asked for a hug.

“So. Back to my question. Assuming that this is every Changeling who participated?”

The changelings nodded, except for the little one who was just sitting on the floor and staring at me.

“Alright. So, we’ll get a letter sent to the princesses, and we’ll all have a little discussion. Frankly, part of me wants to burn you all alive right now... but I’m not gonna.”

The changelings all look relieved at this, again, minus the little one. It’s still just staring at me.

“And what do you want, uh... I don’t know what to call you. Filly? Kid? Rugrat?”

The little one stares at me, but one of the adults answers. “Uh, young changelings are ‘nymphs’.”

“Okay, well what do you want... nymph?”

The nymph keeps staring at me for a few more moments, before answering slowly. “Can I have a hug?”

“Now why would I do that? You managed to get one already, and that’s because I didn’t know you were just using me as a food source. Seriously, I’m more pissed at you than any of the others!”

The nymph’s expression falls, and the little thing begins to cry, bawling on the floor. The ‘mother’ glares hard at me and begins trying to console the little leech.

“That’s exactly what Chrysalis tried, to screw with my mind, make me into a living battery until I wasn’t useful anymore. That’s why I squashed her. I’m not food, for anyone.”

Twilight and Pinkie’s jaws are nearly touching the floor, and the changelings all stared at me, minus the nymph, who was still crying. One of them spoke up. “Y- you slew the tyrant queen?”

“Yes. Yes I did. And I don’t want to see any other changelings around. I know exactly what they do. That’s why I don’t trust changelings, since I was abducted by them.”

The changelings appear to have stopped paying attention once I’d confirmed the kill. They begin to speak amongst themselves. It’s mildly annoying, getting ignored. That said, Pinkie and Twilight are looking up at me. they have looks of shock on their faces, and worry, and pity.

“There will be time to talk amongst yourselves and explain things once we’re all together. Now, let’s go. And I want a separate train car for the changelings and myself. If they try anything they will not be getting off the train...”

Twilight clears her throat. “Actually, I had Spike send a letter to Princess Celestia as soon as things started happening. She should be coming here, and probably Princess Luna, as well.”

As if to confirm the statement, a large ball of purest white flashes into existence in the middle of the room, near the dance floor. The orb resolves into the shapes of Celestia and Luna, each in full regalia.

Celestia speaks, her voice commanding and her expression dark. “Tell me what is going on. Now.”

Chapter 60

We’ve taken out some tables and lined them up to form a makeshift conference table. The seven Changelings and the nymph on one side, facing the Elements, Spike and I on the other. The princesses are on the ends of the table. I guess it’s supposed to be a way of stating that they have no bias.

“I still think we should kill them now and get it over with.”

Celestia responds before any of the changelings can. “Why do you think that? What could we gain from doing such a thing.”

I scoff. “You have to ask? They’re dangerous! They’re an infection!” both princesses quirk an eyebrow at me. Guess I have to clarify. “Seriously, even if they’ve done nothing wrong yet, doesn’t mean they don’t have thepotential to do so. If we kill them, then the problem is over and we don’t even need to have this discussion.”

“That’s barbaric!” Rarity shouts in disgust.

“It’s a solution. All we do is get rid of them for good and that ensures that there’s no chance of them causing trouble. Or we could just let them go and hope we can trust them.”

Twilight stands up to protest. “Th- that’s not fair!”

“Fair? Fair? You think what they did to me was fair!?”

“We don’t even know what happened to you! Besides, that was a different hive, right?”

The changelings nod quickly.

“Bullshit!” I yell. “A changeling is a changeling! They’re about as trustworthy as thieving rats.”

“That’s very human of you, Anthony.” Those words and Twilight’s cold tone caught me off guard.

“What? Of course-”

“But not what you say you are. You say you aren’t like the humans you described, but here you are acting like the unforgiving warmongers you say you aren’t.”

“That’s different!”

“Is it? You say that these changelings should be killed just because of what they are! You see violence as the first and best solution!”

“Death doesn’t have to be violent, you know.”

“And now you’re defending your actions, as if killing a sentient being is perfectly acceptable!”

“It is if doing so makes the world a better place!” At this point, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are holding back Twilight and I. “Settle down there, partner. Just give them a chance.”

“He won’t, because he’s a human!” Twilight yelled, struggling against Rainbow Dash who was holding her by the tail to keep her seated.

“You think that’s why? Well how about I tell you what they did!” I push Applejack’s hooves away. She’s strong, but doesn’t have the weight or size advantage I do.

I sit back in my chair, arms folded. “Alright. Here’s what happened.”

“Wait!” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “How do we know you won’t lie?”

I grit my teeth, ignoring her, and begin my story, starting with my first encounter with Cotton Cloudy’s mom before I blacked out. I detailed my fight in the hive and meeting Chrysalis, and the offer she made to me.

I continued from the point when I met the changeling in the forest after my visit with Fluttershy, then I tell them about the vision, but not going into detail about what I saw. That will wait for later. I then moved to when I did my investigation of Thunder Bolt. Twilight had to vouch for me that my conversation with her did occur. I then told of my decision to not wait for help and the fight with the changelings at the house, but Twilight interrupted.

“But... that’s not right! I remember getting surrounded, but you didn’t save me, you were barely conscious when I showed up! Then-”

“I’m getting to that.”

I detail what happened, what Chrysalis wanted to see. I decide not to spare the romantic encounter with the fake disguised Chrysalis, and I can see Twilight turn a bright red, fidgeting uncomfortably in her seat at the table. I hastily bring up Chrysalis’ mistake, her defeat, and my freeing of Twilight from the cocoon.

Once more, Twilight vouched for me, remembering me getting her out, requesting that she not take us to the library, and then waking up in the hospital.

“And that’s the whole story.”

“Wait.” Rainbow Dash spoke up. “You said something about a vision. What did you see?”

I think for a moment. “I’d rather not say as much as I’d like to just show you.” I turn to the princesses. ”Is there a way you can use some magic spell to give an image of my memory?”

“Technically mind magic is illegal...”

“Well I’d rather not tell it myself, it’s not something I’m proud of.”

Luna speaks up. “What could really be this bad? Aren’t you exaggerating a bit?”

“Luna, you saw part of it.” At this, she looked down at the table, remembering what I showed her while she was in my dream.

“But why show us? Can’t you just tell it?” Twilight asked.

“No. I really don’t want you to know what I saw... but you should know anyway.”

The debate over the legalities of mind magic on others and such continued until eventually Celestia vetoed it completely.

I sigh heavily. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I close my eyes and focus on the vision, recounting every detail. I hear them. I don’t bother looking, but I can tell their reactions by the gasps of shock and fear at various parts of the memory. The barrier being broken, the guards I killed, Luna’s stabbing and beheading, me destroying the Elements, breaking off Twilight’s horn and decapitating them all, and then my flaming ‘gift’ to Celestia. And then, I finish it with my last words of the vision.

“Welcome to Hell, princess...”

Once it's over, I look around. Luna is cringing, Celestia seems to be on the verge of silent tears, Fluttershy has fainted, Twilight has her hoof up to her horn as if making sure it's still there, Spike is curled up in a ball and holding himself. Rarity is trying to wake up Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are completely speechless, and Pinkie Pie is just looking at me. I can’t really tell what she’s thinking.

"A- Anthony..." Celestia addresses me, her voice wavering a bit.

I shift my gaze away from her, saying nothing. I want to just get up and leave, but I feel doing so would just make things worse. They’ve seen the dark part of me, the evil me, the one that exists in the back of my head, no matter how much I wish I could be rid of it.

Suddenly, I feel something holding me. I open my eyes and I see the nymph has gotten up on the table and is hugging me. Not feeding, but... comforting me...

The ‘mother’ changeling is almost hovering from sheer worry, it’s evident that she/it is scared of me. And probably for good reason, I did kill a changeling queen, but given how easy it was, I don’t really understand their shock, but their fear I do understand. I suppose me beating a queen is impressive. Oh, and I was threatening to kill them all less than ten minutes ago. Why isn’t the nymph scared of me?

The nymph, apparently oblivious, nuzzles my shoulder. It looks up, orangey eyes shiny, a darker patch running vertically through the middle. It reminds me of something, but I can’t put my finger on it. The stubby little horn on its head twists slightly to one side, and in the light and closeness, I can see a tiny tuft of some kind growing from behind the horn.

“Uh... do changelings... shed?”

The matron, looking like it wants to pick up the nymph, but holding back, nods its head. “nymphs molt twice to reach full growth. Four if they’re a young queen.” I can tell that the keeper isn’t really wanting the nymph near me, but I’m still a little incensed that Pinkie brought them here. I’m not as pissed at the nymph as before but I still don’t like being considered a resource, no matter what.

Chapter 61

“So, I’ve bared my soul and told you one of the darkest stories my mind has conjured up. Anyone else want to share, or am I the only mental sinner here?”

Luna looks at me. “You all know of my fall. Speaking it again will do nothing here, I think.”

Celestia looks around the table at the ponies and sighs. “When I was younger, much younger, I partook in medicinal herbs, smoking them regularly.”

That got me. “What? The Princess of the Sun was a stoner‽ So, how often did you get... baked?” My mood has definitely improved

“... There were several mornings the sun rose red and sluggish.” I fight back the urge to burst out in laughter. Celestia got so high, the sun was hit by the secondhand smoke!

Pinkie had no problem laughing, though, and I see that Celestia’s cheeks are slightly pinkish, likely from embarrassment. Luna join in with Pinkie’s mirth, and it’s a little bit before they stop and look serious-ish again. Pinkie looks around. “Weeeell, once I took an entire cake that was a big order, and ate it all by myself, and had to make an entire new one by morning, so the Cakes wouldn’t notice, and I never told them, but they noticed the big dip in their supplies and I felt really bad about it for a few years, especially in the week after because I couldn’t eat sugar without throwing up.” Everyone blinks, even the changelings. It takes a moment for the entire paragraph to sink into my brain, and I know I get it faster than everyone else. Mainly because I can see their faces begin to go from confused, to upset, to aghast, to mirthful.

“Pinkie, you are so crazy!” This is really helping me get over my vision, even if what I mentally did was much worse. I wonder what kind of dirt Rainbow Dash has...

One by one, we all turn to look at Twilight, who sinks down into her chair at the attention. “Well, Twilight? Have you anything to add to this pile of embarrassments and fallacies?” Luna asked.

Twilight squeaked and shook her head, hiding beneath the edge of the table. I chuckle. “Well what do you expect? She’s such a rules lawyer, the worst she’s probably ever done was jaywalk!”

All the ponies turn to me. “What’s jaywalk mean?” Right, no cars.

“Eh, forget it, it’s a human thing. Sorry, I keep forgetting how... ‘advanced’ this place is.” I didn’t have the heart to tell them their technological advances were stupidly simple comparatively speaking.

Luna sighed. “How about I make a deal. If I tell an embarrassing secret, you will tell us yours. Is this acceptable, Twilight Sparkle?”

Twilight mulls this over, finally gulping and nodding. “I- I, ah... well, once, I checked out a book from the library at school, and then...” She flushes with shame, and lowers her head as if expecting to be struck. “I returned it a day late.” She winces.

I pause. “Twilight, you really are as boring as you make me believe you are.” I give her a sarcastic slow clap. “Congratulations.”

Celestia looks at her student. “Oh, please, Twilight, I know for a fact that, during your freshmane year at the university, you cast the Want-it-Need-it spell on yourself at least twice.”

Twilight shrugs. “But that was resolved almost immediately! And there was no permanent harm done. Well, except to the statue of Lord Grindelwald the Blackhoof.”

Celestia sighs. “And the Want-It-Need-It spell is illegal for underage students Twilight.”

I give it a hand wave. “Sorry, but that doesn’t count, everyone does some stupid crap in school, no matter if it’s Elementary or college or anywhere in between. Heh, I still remember when I ‘accidentally’ set the Home Ec kitchen on fire...”

Twilight nods sadly. “I did that too. It’s the only class I ever failed...” She looks melancholy.

Luna rolls her eyes. “These are but simple things! While my sister was learning of the vigour-sapping properties of slow weed, I was inventing moonshine! Ah, ‘tis a pity it takes so long to distill.” She smiles wistfully. “I once got an entire minotaur delegation so drunk they-”

Celestia interrupts. “Nopony here wants to hear about you and your drunken escapades in Old Canterlot with a bunch of rowdy minotaurs. Long story short, they made a huge mess and annoyed several nobles.”

Luna snickers. “I also drew upon her face with ink. She did not notice until near midday.” Luna’s smile grew and so did her conspiratorial tone. “It was a most magnificent rendition of her rear, upon the entirety of her face.” She smirks.

I’m almost falling out of my chair. “Yes! See, that’s the kind of stuff that gets others interested.” I turn to Twilight. “One of these days, I should take you scrumping.”

“But the only orchards in the area are the Apples’! I could never steal from a friend.” Damn bookworm, steal all my fun...

“It’s only a bad deed if you get caught.” I say with a grin.

I look down a little, and see the nymph smiling as it looks back at me.

“What about you changelings? Supposing you are what you say you are, trustworthy and all that, what’s the worst you’ve ever done?”

The changelings exchange worried glances, before one of them, more angular and wider at the shoulders than the others, steps up to the challenge. “I’m not sure about the others, but... well, I once put a mare to sleep who wouldn’t stop hitting on me while I was replacing a noble for an afternoon, and made sure the spell would last at least forty-eight hours. I know that could’ve caused serious damage, but she was grappling me in truly inappropriate ways!”

“Well, I suppose that could count. Seriously, I’m glad some of us actually have some guts around here. You ponies are the cleanest bunch I’ve ever met! Keep in mind that’s not a bad thing, it just means your lives are boring.”

One of the others speaks up. “On a few occasions, we’ve had to steal food to keep from starving. Physical food doesn’t do much more than keep us from starving completely, though; and it doesn’t help the nymphs much at all. They can’t digest solids or liquids except royal jelly, and that’s a scarce commodity.”

I just give a halfhearted “Next.”

One of the others. “I only like replacing mares, even though I’m a drone.” The changeling looks embarrassed.

“Being a crossdresser, or, well, crossgender... whatever that would be called in your case, isn’t the same as something you’ve done. It’s just a kink.”

Pretty much everyone at the table nods in agreement, even the princesses. One of the other changelings speaks up. “Usually, when I get paid to impersonate a noble, I then act dumb or incompetent, which kinda ruins their reputation sometimes.”

“The point of this is that you do it for laughs, not to get paid. Seriously, you guys don’t have anything? Geez, aside from the princesses and sort of Pinkie, this place is goody-good central!”

The changelings shrugged. “None of us want to endanger the cluster. Illegal activities draw attention, and attention is bad for the cluster.”

I turn to Rainbow Dash. “Come on, you have to have something, right?”

She shrugs. “I cheat at cards, especially if there’s money on the table. Also, Twilight, you have an awful poker face.” She looks around, everyone looking a little shocked. “What? I’m not the Element of Honesty!”

I facepalm. “And this, right here, is why I miss Discord. You guys are so boring it’s not even funny! No wonder he likes messing with you all the time!”

The ponies all look at me like I’m crazy. Which I am, but still.

“Why do you think this is boring?” Twilight asks. “We’re just being law abiding citizens!”

One of the changelings pipe up. “And we get persecuted enough as it is.” The nymph appears to be climbing onto my shoulder with the speed of a charging snail.

“Uh... what are you doing now?”

The nymph stands on my shoulder, still not answering. The matron sighs. “I think she’s trying find a perch.”

“Well she certainly has good taste in appearances, but I’m not sure if I’m the best perch, being mobile and all.”

“Changeling hooves adhere naturally to surfaces.” The matron counters, still keeping a close eye on the nymph. The nymph has begun to slowly move towards standing on my head.

“It’s not gonna leave little hairs or some adhesive stuff, is it?”

“No, it’s native magic.” The matron does not seem at all comforted by the nymph’s progress, which is almost painfully slow. It must’ve taken the entire round of stories to get to my shoulder, and I barely felt it at all.

“So... why? What’s it supposed to be doing? And is asking for hugs the only thing it can say?”

“No, she is just shy. She’ll be like that until her third molt, I think.” Matron continues to watch, then freezes. Even though its eyes don’t appear to move, I can tell its holding its breath and watching me with fear.

“Third, huh? So this one’s gonna be a queen.”

The changeling nodded hesitantly, and the air grows tense, the entire assembly turning to look at the little changeling making glacial progress up the side of my head.

“You know she’s gonna be perfectly safe, she’s not gonna catch on fire or anything unless I want her to.”

The matron shifts her gaze lower, towards my face again, then flicks back to the little one. I guess that wasn’t too reassuring. I’d kind’ve hoped they’d gotten less scared of me with sharing their stories.

“So, what’s she going to do once she’s finished her little mountain climb?”

“Probably keep an eye out for rivals or siblings, and push them off you if they also climb up. You’re the highest point in the room right now.”

“Well, I don’t see what other changelings could fit on me, just saying.” I decide to just grab the nymph and stick her on my head. It’s hooves are getting a bit uncomfortable. With a feeling like I was pulling a pair of magnets apart, I realize the sticky hooves thing was completely true. Nevertheless, I place her on my head and just let her do what she will from there. I can feel her sit and raise her forelegs. Huh.

“So I guess the other conversation has dried up, what else can we talk about? Oh, how about where you changelings are from, if not the forest?”

“Well, we, that is this cluster, we’re travelers. Usually, we get run out of town for various reasons after a week or two. The Mantidae cluster has always kept on the move, ever since the destruction of Aroma.”

“So I assume that, if what the Everfree changeling said is true, that changelings in general are normally docile?”

“Well, yes. Attacking ponies doesn’t engender warm feeling; it’d be like spraying down an apple tree with weed killer.”

“Well, in my experiences, they didn’t attack, they infiltrated, kidnapped, and fed off the love others felt for those they replaced.”

“Wh- what? That’s forbidden! If they did that, there wouldn’t have been anything left afterwards!” the changelings all seem horrified.

“Well, the changeling I met did say that I pretty much saved them all when I squished Chrysalis under my foot.”

The changelings muttered to each other. “We’d heard rumors about the Tyrant Queen, but... why would the hive let her do that?”

“Well, I wasn’t really in a very cooperative mood considering my feelings on changelings at the time, but I think I recall something about mind control. Makes sense. The changelings I encountered acted like mindless pawns.”

Even Celestia and Luna blanched at this. “That is exactly the reason we banned mind-altering magics for the most part.” Celestia notes. I nod, understanding.

“Except, I wonder if it’s illegal for them. I’m not sure if the Everfree forest counts as being part of Equestria. If it isn’t... eh, that doesn’t matter, I scraped the Chrysalis goo off the bottom of my shoe months ago, it’s old news.”

The changelings look at me, and one puts a hoof on my arm. “Of course it’s illegal for changelings. We’re not a sovereign state, we’re citizens like any other pony.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “And the Everfree is a part of Equestria. As far as legality is concerned, it’s Crown Property.” She smiles around the table, pleased at her contribution.

“Well then, the Everfree hive is free but has no queen. What do we do now, then?” I look each other member of the group in the eyes in passing, turning my head as I do.

Chapter 62

“Wait, there’s no queen? Whatsoever?” The matron has stopped staring at the nymph and is staring at me slack-jawed. The other changelings look equally perturbed. “There’s always at least one burgeoning queen, they just stop after their third molt until the current queen is disliked or old enough that she needs to be replaced. What kind of monstrous magic would the Tyrant Queen use to keep her daughters from growing up?”

“Uh... the monstrous tyrannical kind, I suppose.”

The changeling looked about to argue, before stopping, thinking and shrugging. “Yeah, I guess that’s the answer.” Blunt honesty. Sometimes, it makes things better immediately.

“So if they don’t have a queen...” A thought entered my mind, one that irked me a lot. “Uh, if their ruler is killed, and I’m the one that killed her... does that make me the monarch until someone better suited is able to take the metaphorical crown?”

The matron looked at me with a look of puzzlement. “What? No, how would that work? Unless you can create the same pheromones. No, the hive will simply not have the ability to reproduce until one of the young queens steps up... unless none step up. Then...” the changeling trailed off, looking concerned.

I finish. “Then eventual extinction. No reproduction, means no more generations of the species, which means they’ll all die off eventually. As for me asking if I’d be the king, that’s sort of the somewhat unspoken rule of monarchies from my homeworld. You kill the ruler, you become the ruler.”

The ponies all shifted uncomfortably. “So, in your vision when you...”

“When I didn’t kill Celestia, that means I wouldn’t own her position or the land, leaving Equestria pretty much an unclaimed wasteland of nothing. Now can we please not go back to that again?”

The ponies shifted uncomfortably again. “I agree.” Twilight said, breaking the silence. “How about we figure out what to do about the Everfree hive? Any input from you,” she gestured at the changelings, “would be appreciated.”

The changelings nodded, and everyone settled in for what could be a long debate. I hope not, though, those get boring quickly, unless it’s heated.

“We should send a delegation to them. Offer them aid in return for fealty.” Luna said, starting off the conversation. “It would be the simplest method.”

“This could also be important: I’m the only one I know who has actually walked to the hive and knows where it is.”

“Obviously, you would lead the delegation.” Luna said. “You are also the only one who can pass through solid objects safely.”

“Why would I need to do that? We’re going in peacefully, and the entrance is accessible to anyone as big as I am or smaller.”

“Obviously, the delegation would be heavily armed. ‘Tis most prudent, given who we’re speaking of.” Luna stuck her nose towards the ceiling, looking every inch a haughty princess. At least she isn’t blithely walking into a potential enemy stronghold assuming friendship. This is why I like her, and yet she makes it so hard for me. Maybe I should make her another Moon Diamond...

“So we’re going to have a bunch of armed guards, and walk up there and talk to them about what’s gonna happen. Sounds good to me. Anything else? Anyone?”

Celestia gives a sigh. “That won’t work, we might simply send them into a panic, thinking they’re under attack-”

“Celestia, I informed them that the next time I came by, I would most likely kill them all. Me alone would probably make them panic. Some guards on the side wouldn’t change much, just saying.”

The two princesses looked down thoughtfully. The changelings spoke up. “I wish we could help, but if they thought we were horning on ‘their territory’, whether they’ve claimed it formally or not, they’d attack us immediately. It’s the biggest reason hives don’t form that often; the queen has to have produced enough pheremones to keep the rest of the group laying, but she has to refrain. Extra daughters splinter off and become new clusters, taking some of the workers and drones with them.”

“Not terribly big on mother-daughter relationships then. I think that if I showed up, alone or not, there’d be one of two reactions. Total panic, or they’d all start bowing and thanking me. The changeling I met seemed really grateful until I threatened them.”

The entire group seemed curious. “You never mentioned that, Anthony.” Celestia points out.

“Gee, I don’t know why. It could probably have something to do with the idea of a bunch of changelings serving me. Now why would I be adverse to this?” I ask the question just as sarcastically as rhetorically.

Celestia and Luna look at me, looking thoughtful for a moment. “I can’t think of any reasons. Can you, ‘Tia?”

The elder alicorn shakes her head. “No. I enjoy ruling over and protecting my subjects, so I can’t think of any reasons.”

With an audible *whump* my head hits the tabletop. “Four words, geniuses. King of the Changelings. Ring any bells?” The princesses all let out an ‘oooh’ as the understanding hits them.

“I really don’t want to keep readdressing this, so I think I’d rather just leave. You can decide on some tactic and tell me about it later, okay?”

The ponies and changelings nod, and I stand up, taking the nymph off my head and setting it on the table. I then make my way outside, and figure I’d just head back to the Library.

I’m sitting in my usual spot and looking over the Wunderland Bestiary, refreshing myself on information as well as studying facts I didn’t know. As a very helpful addition, it’s a pop-up book, so there’s a fairly well-detailed two-and-a-half-dimensional picture of each creature.

The only one I’ve looked over so far that doesn’t have a full picture is one with nothing put the middle of the book, splashed in night black, with two shining eyes of gold, a fire pattern instead of pupils. It lists the creature as a Jabberwock. There’s plenty of nonsense poetry with it, which I assume is actually meaningful, but I can’t make sense of more than one part in five. The only part I do understand perfectly is the piece about it having a ‘frightful aversion to blades of the vorpal kind, so enchanted to seek the neck with a snicker-snack and split it so’.

Yep, definitely Wonderland.

One of the things it mentions is the Flamingo, and I see that it mentions they lose many of their powerful magical properties if not born in, on, or over Wunderlandian soil, leading to a large number of them being owned by nobles. That part, thankfully, is written by someone other than Blueish, so it’s completely clear. I wonder what kinds of things we’ll actually run into on our trip?

I look up as a throat is cleared, and I see that Twilight is holding a scroll in her magical grip. She offers the scroll to me wordlessly. I’m feeling particularly lazy, and a bit n the mood for testing, so I summon some coal from my pouch and have the coal-hand grab the scroll for me and hold it open for me to read.

“Uh... how’re you doing that?” she asks, eyeing the hand. “I’ve never seen such precise elemental control!”

“Oh come on, you saw what I can do with coal! Actually, I feel stupid for not thinking of this before. Imagine all the movement I could have spared myself getting a new book.”

Twilight sighs and shakes her head. “Anyways, that scroll has the plans. We’ll be heading out, probably tomorrow or the day after, to go to the hive. The cluster is going to stay here for another couple of days, apparently one of them is about to give birth, and can’t be moved until that’s over.”

“You know, I’m surprised. You’ve learned all sorts of new things about changelings, and haven’t already rushed to add it to your notes. I think-”

*crackle-POOF*

Twilight has just vanished probably teleporting based on the look of existential self-horror she’d had right before then. Drat, I had something witty to say, too. Alright, let’s see what’s on the scroll. I take it from the coal hand and unsummon it back to my pouch before unfurling the scroll.

                Anthony -

Tomorrow, an hour before noon, a detachment of guards will accompany you to the hive, along with a small medical team. We will have teleportation charms set to detect surges of stellar energies, so that they will be moved to safety if you ‘Spark out’.

You are to act as guide and head liaison, but try to find a peaceful resolution if at all possible. A single diplomat will be a part of the guard detachment, and will be authorized to make decisions on behalf of Equestria.

Should you fail to return to Twilight within two hours of beginning of the journey, or at least fail to somehow communicate your well-being, an assault force will be dispatched promptly, following the tracking charm on the seal of this letter. Please bring it with you.

Our thanks,

[A messy, illegible pair of signatures splits the page]

                The Royal Pony Sisters

P.S. Cadence asked me to mention to you, if I got the chance, that she has almost everything ready, and will be able to take you on your vacation in a week. She also requested me to mention that if you get too injured to come along, she will personally break all of your unbroken limbs. She really wants to go to Wunderland.

Yup, that sounds like Cadence alright. I realize that I had passed up the opportunity to show the Lyre to Luna, but I suppose we’ll have another meeting or something once the changeling fiasco has been dealt with.

Chapter 63

I’m currently being followed by the random assortment of ponies the princesses supplied me with. Not entirely sure why I’d need a medical team though. If they do attack, I’m certainly capable of handling myself. Heck, I’m even more powerful than last time!

The trek through the forest is relatively brief, and we come to a stop outside the entrance to the hive without any changelings showing up. I decide that they’re all inside, so I walk into the cave, and soon the ground makes the transition to the strange hive material. I suppose I should ask how it’s made... I wonder if it’s like termite mounds and it’s just processed changeling spit...

Eventually, we enter the main chamber, and a green-black changeling rushes up to me, somewhat happily, but then cowering as if unsure how it should act.

“Don’t worry, I’m here to make peace.” At these words, the changeling brightens up, and a bunch of others come out of hiding. “I am here as a sort of ambassador for Equestria, though I have an official one with me, sent by the royal sisters.” I step aside for the said diplomat to approach.

The pony, in full guard regalia, stands tall as she approaches the main room. From a side corridor, I watch as a changeling, taller than the rest by a head, steps into the main room. The changeling steps towards the diplomat, hesitantly. A fall of green hair forms a short mane, and I can see clumps of some kind of goo sticking large patches of the hair together. The changeling also seems a bit clumsy.

“I’m mainly here to settle any disputes that get out of hand. I’m going to let you do the talking and sit back for now. But seriously, no funny business, or you all get the Chrysalis treatment.”

The larger changeling, likely the new queen, nods quickly, and drops into a bow towards me, completely prostrating herself. She’s trembling and looks scared.

“And don’t bow to me! If you want to offer respect, you can speak it.” Seriously, I really don’t like the way they act just because I saved them. It’s just like the ponies. So I save them and suddenly I’m treated like a demi-god.

The mare nods again, or tries to. This mostly results in her smacking her jaw on the floor, and she stands up to rub it with a wince. She turns to the diplomat, then to me. She shifts her gaze to the diplomat again, and coughs. “I, uhm,” she hacks again, the sound phlegmy and moist. “Uh, sorry. I welcome you t-” she hacks and coughs again, before a small wad of green and off-white goo launches itself from her mouth, and splatters on the diplomat’s helmet. I have to give the soldier props, though, she doesn’t even flinch when it hits. The changeling looks mortified.

“Feeling a bit under the weather, today your future-highness?” I ask. “Seriously, how old are you anyway, you can’t be more than seventeen!”

“M- mother kept back my m- molts for f-f-f-f- fifteen y- years. I’m f-f- forty, s- sir.” Her voice is really quiet, and she refuses to meet my eyes. What did that slimy bug do this changeling?

“Well, then I trust you can at least carry a decent conversation. I don’t see any need for combat, as potentially someone to give you some experience in being Queen.”

“I- I wasn’t a-a- allowed t- to speak. I- I’m still l- learning.” She looks like she’s withering as I look at her. I haven’t gained laser vision, have I?

“Well that’s just fantastic. I’m just gonna sit over there....” I gesture behind me with my thumb. “And wait for you two to come to an agreement or something.” That said, I walk over to a nearby wall and lean against it. This is really boring.

For an hour, I struggle to stay awake as the new queen fumbles her way through negotiations. It’s not even taking long because she doesn’t want to negotiate, but rather because she’s so bad at it. She’s constantly having to get things clarified, and she flinches any time she makes a mistake about what someone else said. Honestly, she looks like she thinks that Chrysalis is about to come back from the grave and beat her or something. I think about that for a moment and get up. I walk up the little staircase to the Queen’s chamber and see that... well, the gunk has been mostly cleaned off... but it doesn’t look like the room’s been used at all since then.

That crazy chick down there is too scared to sleep in the bed that’s technically hers now. Wow, Fluttershy’s got more guts than her!

I hear a throat cleared, along with a chirping noise, like a lone cricket. I turn to the sound, to determine it’s source, expecting a changeling. If the new queen can hardly speak, I doubt the others can even form words.

A changeling in a crisp, well-kept tuxedo stands in the hall, studiously at attention. “If sir would care to see the hive, this one would be willing to show sir.” The suit kind of reminds me of Sebastian’s suit from Black Butler, actually.

“Eh, sure. I’ve only been here and the entrance chamber. Why not?”

The insectoid creature bows slightly and leads me onwards. It points to a side chamber, this one without doors, just a ragged drapery cloth. “This is the new queen’s chamber.” Curiosity calls to me.

“Why doesn’t she just take the old one? I can guarantee there’s no chance of Chrysalis coming back, and if she does, I can always use my other foot.”

“Sir is most valiant and comedic. That does not, however, undo forty-three years of the old queen in the new queen’s memory.”

“Eh, yeah, that sounds pretty bad. How long do you buggers live, anyway?” Heh, buggers.

“Sir is most witty. The average drone will see sixty-one years if kept well-tended. There is much research done by the unicorns who lived in Old Canterlot. A queen will live two centuries on average, provided there is no famine, and no war. And in spite of the new queen’s earlier statement in the Grand Chamber, queen molting begins at age eleven. She was denied those molts due to... unsavory magic cast by the old queen. This, and other tactics, were implemented to ensure she could not usurp the old queen’s power. It also shortened her life, like her four older sisters, to extend the old queen’s.” The butler-changeling’s voice was flat and lifeless, with no inflection whatsoever. It might as well have been commenting on the weather a few years previous, or the possibility that there might be an expansion to a building. It’s quite eerie, actually.

“So do you guys have a plan for when these issues have been resolved?”

“Sir is misinformed. Regular beatings have likely removed the new queen’s ability to mentally heal. It is likely the new queen will be killed and replaced within the year.” Well, that’s dark. And still emotionless.

“And you have a second-in-command or a less-disturbed future queen to replace her, right?”

“Her sisters will be the ones to kill her, should she fail to lead. Assuming they are not too weak to do so as well; all eight were kept for the old queen’s regular essence infusions as well, under similar conditions as the new queen. They, too, will likely be killed, until the only the youngest is alive, and there is nothing for the hive to do but wait for collapse and starvation.”

“Well, that sucks. Shouldn’t you have some contingency plan? I mean, I understand sibling rivalry, oh boy do I understand it, but really, if the entire hive is at stake, can’t they just work together? Polyarchy isn’t that bad.”

“‘I will not sting you, said the scorpion, for I would surely die.’ Then it did, and they both drowned. ‘Why?’ was the question. Because it is in their nature.”

“Profound. But surely you have more mental functionality than a simple arachnid, right?”

“Sir is correct. However, it would run entirely counter to noble changeling instincts. They have a hard time not killing each other by the time they’ve reached their second molt, and all of these have been raised on violence. The new queens will survive or die based on their merits, and the majority of the princesses will try to fight for power. This would not be so in a healthy colony, but the old queen has poisoned any chance of that.”

“So what, you’re just going to sit back and watch as your home metaphorically crumbles to the ground?”

“Most of this hive will flee when the starvation truly sets in, and will live solitarily amongst ponies until they die of old age. This one will likely return to Canterlot, and serve as a butler, as this one did before the invasion ruined this one’s previous posting and immaculate record.”

“So when you say they will live among the ponies... what exactly will they do? Just sit around and wait for death?”

“Sir presumes correctly. Some will seek similar employment to what they held before they were forced to shed their guises and aid the invasion. As they cannot breed without a noble present, only those who don’t stumble across another cluster or hive will die alone, likely without a significant other.”

“So what do you expect to come from this diplomatic exchange? Just a formality to say you are harmless so we don’t come in and kill you all before you die anyways?”

“If this one is permitted to be optimistic?”

“Why would I care one way or another? There’s really no need for all the formal garbage, dude, I’m not some noble with a stick up their rears.”

“It is a matter of pride, sir, this one attended the Canterlot Academy of Butlers, Maids, and Official Attendants. This one is proud to say that this one is an esteemed alumnus. It is a matter of honor, sir.”

“Fine, fine. Yes, you can be optimistic. Jeez.”

“The best and most preferred outcome of these talks is for an Equestrian Peacekeepers force being stationed here, to enforce the current regime and to suppress the hive’s populace until the younger princesses can finish their molts and be forced to splinter, or perhaps be put to the sword, for a few. Not all of the young nobles are... worth keeping.”

“Well, this may seem a bit crass, but why don’t you set up something like a brothel? You’d get ‘food’ and money, and I’m sure a lot of ponies as well as other species would be ecstatic to be able to ‘spend a night in the sack’ with something that could look like anything they wanted.”

“Sir is incorrect about two points. First, lust is no more food for changelings than candy is for ponies. It may be nice to have once in a while, but rare is the changeling who can survive on it. Second, a guise cannot change the overall body structure of a changeling, and cannot make the changeling appear to be anything that isn’t pony-shaped. Gryphons are the most extreme guise most queens can do, and they are the most adept of us all.”

“Well, you can’t say I didn’t offer some idea. Now how about we come up with a good one? Seriously, you can at least try to do something instead of just being hopeful. Carpe Diem, and all that crap!”

“Unless a suitable champion or source of safe, raw power could be found, there is not much that could work. As it is, either an alicorn or a star would have to be used, and this one very much doubts any would volunteer to be used as such.”

“Hmmm... Define ‘Champion’ for me, would you?”

“You stay and protect the queen until she dies of old age.” Not happening in this century. However...

“I may just have an idea...”

Chapter 64

We stand in silence for a moment, before the butler speaks up again. “Would sir wish to elaborate? Or would sir prefer to continue the tour?”

“Hmmm, I suppose we could continue the tour, it’s not exactly fully thought-out yet. Though I know where you could get a star. I’ll explain later.”

The changeling made no motion that it cared one way or another, and begins to lead me down another corridor, the rough-hewn stone mostly covered in simple pieces of cloth surrounding a side-passage. I look into the side passage and see that it’s a poor rendition of a playroom. There’s several lopsided blocks, but not enough to do anything with, and a couple of trinkets likely meant to be toys. Several little changeling nymphs were in the room, in crude pens made from wooden poles and what looks like fish netting.

“The nursery I take it?” I turn to the butler for confirmation. It nods, and I look back at the room. Each of the nymphs has turned to look at me, and about half are retreating away from me in the little pens they inhabit.

“So, how old are these anyway?”

“The youngest is twenty-one years of age. The eldest is thirty-nine.” Not a single one appears older than four.

“More of Chrysalis’ bitchy cursing, or do you just age slower than turtles?”

“The old queen stole their growth to offset her own death by age. They should have all left and created their own clusters, but the old queen felt she knew better than nature.”

“Yeah, so she’s an age vampire. Well, was. She really fucked you guys up, huh?”

“Sir is most accurate.”

“alright, what’s next? Do you guys even have a kitchen or... what? Can you put love in a bottle or something?”

“The distillery is this way, if sir would care to see?”

“Uh, sure. Why not?” No idea what’s being distilled, but it can’t be that bad.

The butler leads me on again, and I take the time to think over what exactly to do for my plan.

“If sir is interested?” the butler asks, breaking my concentration. I look over and see a series of vats and tubes and things I’d expect at a water processing plant. The crusty remains of some kind of yellow-green material is dried to most of the pouring channels and the visible sides of the crucible-like vats.

“Alright, let’s see what you got here.” I pause. “Wait, it’s not poisonous, is it?”

“We do not harvest toxic love, no, sir.”

“So, what, I drink it, or...?”

“If sir wishes, but there is so little as it stands. This is, however, the distillery, and is not used much anymore. There is very little love gathered by the hive much anymore. If sir would like to see the kitchen and storage room?”

“Sure. Though now I’m curious. What does love taste like?”

“It depends on the love, sir.”

“You mean, the variety? Huh. So what do you have in the way of ‘flavors’ then?”

“Not much, though sir might be interested in a twenty-two year early love.”

“Early? You mean, like that teen-romance crap that everyone thinks is real until it’s over in three months?”

“Precisely, sir. It has a very heady, sweet taste.”

“And a reality check for an aftertaste? Guess I’ll find out. Let’s try it.”

The two of us moved towards the preparation room, and the butler showed the normal-sized pantry full of empty space, dust, and three bottles. One is a watery green, another is a dark green, and the one grabbed by the butler is a yellowy-green.

“Wow, you are pretty low. So I assume making this stuff is a bit more complex than beer, given that the main ingredient is pheremones and emotion.”

“No need for pheromones, sir. The royal jelly is quite pleasant on its own.” The butler prised the cap from the bottle, and placed a pair of tiny shot glasses, filling each just under halfway. “If sir would not mind this one going off-duty for this? This one has yet to feed this week.”

“Go for it, not my place to deny a guy a snack.” I take the shot glass, and take a light sip just to taste it.

The flavor that hits my tongue is not actually unpleasant, and makes me feel wistful. Not for anything in particular, but wistful nonetheless. It is, however, almost unbearably sweet, and I have to swish it around my pallette to weed out the overwhelmingly sugary feel.

“Huh, yep, that’s teenage love. So sweet you think it’s perfect, and makes your head a little cloudy.”

“Yer quite right, mate. Aaah, bottoms up.” The sudden australian accent throws me, especially because of how fake it sounds. The drink is downed by the changeling in one gulp, and the butler gives an odorous belch.

Well, I guess if I acted like a bootlicker all day, I’d like to be myself for a few minutes. Can’t really blame him. I finish off the rest of the love-drink. It’s really quite interesting.

“So, how do you guys make this stuff, anyway? I mean, turning love into a liquid?”

“The queen secretes it when enough love energy is gathered by th’ harvesters. The royal jelly is processed, then gets turned inta this. In its raw form, it’s way too potent for normal ‘lings, and only the princesses and queens can handle it safely. Also, sweet as it might be, that shotglass is a week’s rations fer me.” the wavering accent seemed to shift between several others during the explanation, but the butler looked contented after its ‘meal’.

“So, you don’t have much because... Chryssi kept all the love for herself, or what?”

“We have been encamped in this hive for the better part of a year, with Chryssi gobblin’ up everythin’ she could to keep at the peak of her power. However, she was really just dooming us all. The last month, we’ve been keepin’ to tha tunnels cuz we didn’t want to piss you off, ye blodger, so we haven’t got any more stock to fill. Specially with her new highness havin’ just finished her third molt. She won’t molt agin fer another week, and that’s the soonest she’ll be able to produce more jelly. then, it’ll get processed, and then we c’n start eatin’ agin. And that’s assumin’ that we find a replacement, her new highness doesn’t get herself killed, you don’t kill us, Celestia or Luna doesn’t just kill us, the pink alicorn with the nice voice doesn’t seek vengeance and kill us, a dragon doesn-”

“I get it. Your chances are shit. And... wait, you mean Cadence?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Seemed real nice, ‘till she brok out of her cell. I was the one on watch, but the old bitch forgot to tell me to stop ‘er if she escapes, just watch. Ah, I got flogged somethin’ good fer that ‘slip up’, especially since I conveniently left a cart to get them back to the wedding in time. Never got told not to, an’ all.”

“For someone who uses magic to create an army of mindless slaves, she sure didn’t have the brains to lead them. Maybe that’s why she wanted me...”

“Nah, you busted her illusions good. Thought you looked, ah... delectable. I don’ see it myself, but the old bitch liked her mates strong of will. Got her jollies breakin’ that.” The changeling glared angrily down at the empty shot glass. “Like her eldest daughter, her new highness.”

“Well, guess she had a problem, because I’m not that easy to control. Ask Luna. Anyway, I have my plan. You guys need a star?”

“Well, more like we’d need someone long-lived enough to protect the queen for the rest of her life, because losing that protector would make her daughters try to kill her. Or something powerful enough to bend time itself and give her something like four hunnerd years to get over being beaten every time she spoke, and starved if she wasn’t perfectly obedient, and have it all happen in the space of the next week.” The ‘ling stopped for a moment. “Or to act like a big-arse battery.”

“Well, I’m not sure how long it’d take for the new queen to get in gear, but I’ve got a millennia before I kick the bucket. As for a battery, I got more energy than the air around me can handle. That’s where my idea’s coming from.”

“Er, I meant a soul battery. She’d have to be willingly given a big chunk o’ yer life to get he power she’d need. And after what she’s been through, there’s no guarantee she wouldn’t just burn out.” the changeling shook its head sadly. A moment later, I see its ears perk up. “Actually, you cowed the entire hive. Y’ might be able to scare the hive inta thinkin’ you’d kill us all if the current queen dies of something other than nat’ral old age. Well, unnatural now. She’ll only live t’ a hunnerd if she’s lucky.”

“So I just have to, what? Freak them all out? Threaten ‘em?”

“Basic’ly. Ye’d be pretty much our tyrant king, but y wouldn’t need to be here or do anything but be a big, threatn’n presence. Kill things out in the world sometimes. Normal stuff, if yer press coverage is to be believed.”

“Sorry, but they exaggerate a bit. I don’t kill or even hurt anything unless they piss me off. I’m no crazy axe-murderer. As for being king of the changelings, I’d really avoid that, just saying.”

“Nah, not king. Changelings don’t have kings. Ye’d just be a tyrant dictator doling out death and destruction if you’re displeased. Idunno, blow up a chamber or somesuch and make a point. hey, by th’ way, y’ killed the previous queen afore she named her successor. You willing to name ‘er?”

“Uh... I... huh. Maybe. I just don’t really see why she doesn’t think of a name for herself? Secondly, I’m going to assume you guys aren’t stupid or anything. If I just blew up a chamber, what would that do? I’d be wrecking your home, and on top of that, I wouldn’t even have a reason for it. The only gripe I had was with Chrysalis. You guys’re fine.”

“Show of force! It’s traditional. And y’ do it while making a speech that the current queen will stay the current queen if the hive wishes to exist, that sort of thing. We’ve got a ton’v spare chambers now, most of us starved off from too little love. Why’d ya think there’s just you, me, and the drink in the guard’s main supply room?”

“Dang. You got a point. So I just have to show off, tell everyone to listen to... the new queen whatever her name’s gonna be, and that’s it?”

“Well, give her a name, say you’ll avenge her death if she kicks the bucket, then blow up a chamber to show you can. then, walk out, and ferget we exist.”

“That seems easy. And I might not even have to destroy anything. I can be imposing in general once I start showing my power off. Of course, the guards down there will be sent back to Canterlot. See if you can get them up here. I’ll explain our plan, and then I’ll start my little show.”

“Can do, misterino. Guess yer ‘boss’ now, heh.” the changeling gave a sloppy salute, then composed itself, taking in a deep breath, letting it out and standing straight. “If sir would follow this one? Sir will be brought to the side chamber near the Grand Chamber to prepare.”

“Heh, sure thing.” This guy could be the man of a thousand faces, even if he wasn’t a changeling.

So we’re in the side chamber with the guards. I turn to the diplomat-slash-guard in charge.

“So here’s my plan. I’m gonna go crazy, cause some damage, generally put the fear of god, or me that is, in them. You ponies will be sent to Canterlot with your charm-doohickeys. Just tell Celly everything’s cool and we have a plan. I’ll take it from there.”

The guards don’t look like they like my plan, but they go with it. One by one, they activate their amulets by tapping them to my sparked-up fist, and I stride into the main chamber. Might as well make it theatrical, right?

Rise of Renaissance

I stand at the top of the balcony overlooking the main chamber, the new queen by my side. She’s nervous, but I hope I can give her the confidence she needs. I call the attention of the entire hive, and soon they are all gathered to hear what I have to say.

I want to make this as impressive as possible, make sure none of them forget what I’m about to say. I need to speak with power and authority, not just with my words, but in tone. I will not speak to them as a simple human, but as something much much more.

I Spark up, the glow radiating from me as usual, bathing the nearby area in a slight cyan tint. I focus on this power, putting it into my voice. Then, I speak.

<I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!>

Immediately every changeling turns to me, looks of shock and fear. Good.

<I HAVE DECIDED TO APPOINT MYSELF AS PROTECTOR OF YOUR NEW QUEEN! SHE WILL LEAD YOU AS SHE SEES FIT, AND ANY WHO MAKE AN ATTEMPT ON HER LIFE OR DISOBEY HER SHALL FEEL MY WRATH. AM I CLEAR‽>

The crowd below me squirms and frightfully gives their agreement.

<YOUR NEW QUEEN SHALL GIVE ANY ORDER OR MAKE ANY REQUEST SHE PLEASES AND YOU WILL OBEY! WHETHER HER INSTRUCTION BE TYRANNICAL OR BENEVOLENT, YOU WILL DO AS SHE SAYS! ANY ASSASSINS THAT TRY TO TAKE HER LIFE, NO MATTER THEIR REASON, SHALL BE DEALT WITH BY ME. PERMANENTLY! AM I STILL UNDERSTOOD‽>

More acknowledgement from the crowd. I continue.

<I WILL LEAVE THIS HIVE FOR NOW, BUT DO NOT THINK THAT MEANS I WILL BE UNAWARE OF WHAT TAKES PLACE HERE. YOUR NEW QUEEN WILL BE GRANTED THE POWER TO REQUEST MY PRESENCE AT ANY TIME SHE WISHES, FOR WHATEVER REASON SHE MAY HAVE.>

The changelings look absolutely horrified, and some look confused as well. That’s not my problem.

<AS A SYMBOL OF HER RISE, I WILL GIVE YOUR NEW QUEEN A NAME TO BE RECOGNIZED AS.>

I turn to the young queen beside me. She looks really happy. Names really are a big deal for changelings, I suppose. I put my hand lightly on her shoulder.

<HENCEFORTH, HER MAJESTY WILL BE KNOWN AS QUEEN RENAISSANCE, TO DENOTE THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA, THE END OF THE TYRANT CHRYSALIS, AND THE REGROWTH OF YOUR HIVE. MAY SHE LEAD YOU WELL, AND MAY SHE LEAD YOU BRAVELY! *ALL HAIL QUEEN RENAISSANCE!!*>

“All hail queen Renaissance!!”The entire crowd echoes back, bowing their heads in respect. I lean over to the new queen and whisper in her ear with my normal voice.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’ll just call you Ren for short.”

She has the biggest, happiest smile I’ve ever seen on a changeling. “Oh th- thank you so m- much! I have a n- name!”

She lets out a little squee and I chuckle, stepping back to let Ren make her first speech to her subjects. It seems having a name and a protector has given her a bit of courage. Her words are still shaky, but she’s lost a bit of her fear.

I’ve left the hive, and it seems that the changelings are going to behave. And Ren seems like she’s not going to be a bad ruler, she just needs a bit of experience. Maybe I could ask Celestia or Luna if they have any tips. It might not apply but, hey, help is help.

I’m not walking down the usual path back to Ponyville, even though there isn’t much of a path. Hopefully once the hive is more accepted, the way might get some more traffic. But then, this is the Everfree forest. Except I don't see the problem. Seriously, I could wander around here for hours and not have any problems. These ponies are way too superstitious. That said, the quiet of the night mixed with the gentle glow of dusk let me see poorly if I didn’t have my body lit up for light.

I see, out of the corner of my eye, a flash of shining white in the deep greens and browns of the forest. I figure I might check it out. I part some bushes and I see a statue of a pony. Wait a second...

The statue is immaculate, and detailed beyond belief. As I step towards the shining, alabaster statue of Rarity, I am awed and disturbed in equal measure by the level of detail. The statue has a look of mild surprise on its face, and I can see that each hair in the careful couture is carved individually. Whoever made the statue was an artisan of incredible skill, grace, and memory... and also likely very disturbed inside, to have made such a perfect statue and put it in the middle of the forest. It was so lifelike, I could mistake it for the real Rarity if it wasn’t pure white from one end to the other.

I bet it must have taken ages to do this. I think about taking it with me. I could give it to Spike and say it’s the closest he’ll get... nah. I’m sure it’s here for some reason. Guess I should head back home before it’s really dark.

I make my way back to Ponyville, and once I’m finally back at the library, I feel rather tired. It is kind of late. I head up to my little add-on of a room and get in bed. The lyre is still exactly where I left it. Under the mattress. I figured the most obvious hiding place would be too obvious to check first, so I figured that was safe.

I get under the covers. Luckily, fabric can be cut to any size, so the blankets are big enough, even if the bed is slightly cramped. I’m thinking of getting a custom mattress or something, but that can wait. Right now, I wanna sleep.

Breakfast is pretty plain, just some dragon-toasted bagels and some cream cheese. Twilight at least gets good snack foods, I have to say. Maybe I can get Rarity to finally spill the beans about who she has a crush on? That’d be pretty cool, I’d finally have closure on that. I give Spike a sideways glance. Could it be him...? Nah. I’m sure Rarity knows how much he likes her. If it was him, they’d probably already have something going on.

I decide to head over to Carousel Boutique after a few hours. I’m not sure exactly when it opens, so I figure I’d give Rarity some time to wake up and ‘put her face on’ as my sister said when she was getting ready to go out somewhere. I’ll never understand makeup.

Knocking at the door around noon, The door opens, and Sweetie Belle answers, looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Literally, as her tail is a fluffy, tangled mass of hair, and her eyes look like she’s gotten into the entire cookie jar. And maybe the ice-cream, too.

“Heya Sweetie. You certainly look... energetic today.”

“Hiya!-I-totally-didn’t-get-into-the-cookies-I-swear!” The manic, crumb-covered grin said otherwise. She hopped in place a little.

“Now now Sweetie, remember what I said about lying? You need to avoid specific denial, and I suppose I should mention to get rid of any evidence. Wiping the crumbs off your face, for example.”

“Right-sorry-I-just-feel-so-hyper-and-wow-the-world-so-bright-today!”

“Ah, sugar rushes, they rock. Until you crash that is. I guarantee you, you’ll be hungry and ready for a nap in about five hours. Anyway, I’m here to see Rarity.”

“Oh-she’s-not-here-today-last-night-she-went-to-get-star-spider-silk-’cuz-they-only-swarm-near-ponyville-once-a-year! And-she-didn’t-come-home-which-is-why-I-got-into the cookie... j- jaaar.” Sweetie yawned, and her eyelids drooped. “Wow, I’m really tired.”

Huh, my estimate was off. It took about ten seconds. That’s either a quick metabolism, or she’s been ‘rushing’ all day.

“Star Spiders, huh. Well I suppose you know where they are?”

“Uhm, they’re, uh...” she yawned again, blinking owlishly. “So tired... they’re in the Evevfee... frrrst...” Sweetie sort of tilted her head forward and began snoring softly.

Heh, sleeping standing up. It took me until I was sixteen before I could do that. Guess more legs can come in handy. I pick her up and take her back to her room yet again. I think about Rarity going into the forest. Heh, what if she found that statue of herself? I wonder if she’d keep it... nah, she’s not that egotistical. Or is she?

Once Sweetie is tucked into bed, I leave for the forest. I decide to check in on Fluttershy again. Her reaction to my story and the vision were... pretty bad. I just wanna make sure she’s okay. I walk up to the cottage door and I see a note. It says she’s gone to the spa with Rarity, because it’s Tuesday. Huh, I haven’t been to the spa yet, and they did give me a little bonus in the mail. Sure, why not. I thought Rarity would be in the forest though... Eh, spas are nice too I suppose.

After stopping a few ponies for directions, I’m in front of the local spa. I walk in and take a look around. The entrance room has the usual counter, and there are some benches. I assume it’s so ponies can wait without forming a line. Oddly, Fluttershy is in the waiting area, quietly knitting something.

“Heya ‘Shy.” I say, calmly. I don’t want to spook her or anything. My mom always just completely zoned out when she was knitting, and I wasn’t sure if it’s the same with Fluttershy.

The little yellow mare started for a moment, looking up from her knitting project to look at me. She broke out into a small, pleasant smile. I’m fairly sure that everyone seeing that smile would feel their day get brighter.

“Hello, Anthony. What brings you here today? Uhm, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“Aww come on, ‘Shy, you can ask me anything. As for why I’m here, I was going out to find Rarity. Sweetie Belle said she was in the Everfree, so I figured I’d stop by your cottage to say hi. Then I found your note. Also, I like spas.”

“Oh, that’s nice. But Rarity hasn’t shown up today, and she’s the one who usually pays for me. I just brought my knitting, because she sometimes comes in a little late. It’s no bother though, but I wish I knew why she was so late today. Our usual appointment time is almost over.” the pegasus seemed to realize how much she’d been talking and blushed. “O-oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dominate the conversation like that.” She offered a sheepish smile.

“Fluttershy, you could do just about anything and it wouldn’t upset me. Just don’t call me ugly.” I give her a grin. Then something hits me. “Well, if Rarity isn’t here, then she must be in the forest after all. I suppose that since it’s an event that only happens once a year it’d be important... but Rarity doesn’t seem like the type to drop an appointment without warning.”

“Wait, the Star Spider spawning? But that ended yesterday - we had to call her back from harvesting the silk for the meeting. She should be done by now. Uhm, I think.”

That gets my attention. Serious business time. “Fluttershy, I’m going to go to the forest and see if I can find Rarity. It shouldn’t be a problem for me, but tell Twilight that if I’m not back in... one hour, the rest of you should come looking for us. And be prepared for danger.”

The timid pegasus looks at me with fear and worry in her eyes as I stand to leave. “B- be safe, Anthony!” she calls, as I stride out the door, already picking up speed.

I rush back to the forest, and begin calling for Rarity. Surely she could hear me... Unless she couldn’t move or speak. By random chance, I come upon the very-detailed statue of Rarity...

A quote came, unbidden into my mind as I looked at the sparklingly white statue. ‘I have no mouth, yet must scream.’ It referred to someone being left for eternity without any outside connections... like a statue.

Ohhhhhhh crap.

Chapter 66

The susurrus of fallen leaves being stirred by something sliding across them alerted me to movement. I turned around, the tiny clearing’s light driving away my ability to see into the gloom. What was worse, is that the sound seemed to come from everywhere at once, and I have no idea what powers to use. Sparking up is a good all-around, but if the creature is immune or resistant to my abilities, or is some sort of ghost...

Growing would also be good, but it might make me just a bigger target if it’s some kind of beam attack. Coal would be useful, but I forgot to bring some with me. Hopefully, whatever it is is flashy enough that I can stop it.

I see the faintest glint in the darkness around the clearing, and I find myself staring into two bright, jade-green eyes. Instantly, I feel a searing, blinding pain in my eyes, and I drop to the ground, Sparking up on reflex. The agony is unbelievable, and I can’t see anything at all. A blank, black void has replaced my vision, and my hands go to my face on their own.

Through the shock and pain, I can feel that my skin around my eyes has turned hard and smooth. I also can’t feel the skin around my eyes.

I’m not completely petrified like Rarity, but I’ve been blinded completely, and the burning sting in my... well, where I used to have eyes, is almost unbearable! I try and use my powers to reverse the effect, but as usual with magic that’s already taken effect, I can’t remove it. All I’ve managed to do was prevent the effect from spreading, but the pain and the blindness make it horrifying. I can’t see, and I’m stuck here, defenseless...

“Oh my goodness! Are you alright?” a feminine voice calls out to me, and I feel a pair of human-feeling arms circle my torso, hauling me up to my feet and patting my face. “Oh, what happened to you?”

“I... I don’t know! I... I’ve been blinded, and it stings. All I recall is these glowing eyes, and...  wait, who are you?”

“My name is Myrna. Also, how are you glowing?” I feel myself be steadied and held gently, maybe even gingerly, at what I’m guessing is arms reach.

“Long story short, I’m basically a baby star. I think if it weren’t for my powers, this would have happened to my whole body. I think that’s why I’m not like my friend here.” I gesture to where I think the Rarity statue is, I could be pointing in the opposite direction for all I know.

“Wait, your friend? I thought that was a statue! Someone’s been leaving them all over around here - and I’m not even sure where ‘here’ is.”

“Okay. Uh... hold on, gimme a sec.” I try and clear my head, focusing on accepting the darkness, rather than fighting it. “You are, well, we are in the Everfree forest on the outskirts of Ponyville. And If my theory is correct, some demon or something is going around turning everyone around here to stone.”

I hear a hiss, not unlike a dozen snakes being agitated at once. “What? But how c- wait, did you say ‘Ponyville’?”

“Yeah, the citizens are all ponies. They’re nice, but are scared of just about anything they haven’t seen before.”

“Really? That’s... awful. did you have to escape from them or something? Wait, ponies like your friend there? So are you friends?” Jeez, Myrna could probably at least give Pinkie a challenge.

“Not in any order, yes this is my friend. Her name is Rarity, she’s the local fashionista and owns a clothes shop. And no, these ponies will more than likely be the ones running. They’re nice, but  cowardly. Seems that being skittish is just in their nature, so don’t let it bother you.”

“Alright... uhm, ever since I got here, I, uh, changed... a lot. Do- do you think there’s anyone in ‘ponyville’ that can help me? Or at least help you?” Myrna asked.

“Well, my first suggestion would be Twilight Sparkle. She’s the librarian. She’s real smart, but kind of annoying in my opinion. If you can, I’d suggest you ask the princesses. Wait, what do you mean... changed? What are you supposed to be?”

“I’m human! Well, I used to be, I guess. Now I’m all... snakey.”

Another human!? And she’s not some crazy demon! Awesome... oh man I just wish I could see.

“Okay, let’s see... uh, we need a plan. I told Fluttershy to let Twilight know I’d be here looking for Rarity. Since I’m not coming back, she’s supposed to come in and find me with some backup.” I sigh. “It seems that for now, all we can do is wait for the rescue party and make ourselves noticeable.”

“I think... I think I can do that.” I feel her gentle grip on me vanish, leaving me alone in a void. “One of the things I found when I got here, was that I can move stone.” I hear a sound like a shoe being dropped into pudding.

Great. This chick just comes by and can manipulate stone, and I’m stuck with just coal. That’s just unfair! Oh well, I guess I have other powers.

“I can make myself seen pretty easily as well. Aside from the baby-star thing, I’m human as well, by the way.” I focus on powering down... though I’m not sure if it works since I can’t see anything. “So you say you’re snake-like... how about you describe a bit more?”

I hear another shoe-in-pudding sound, and the rumbling of stone grinding on stone. Then, Myrna speaks up once more. “Well, I’m still me from the waist up, and I’m really glad I still have my hoodie and what’s left of my jeans. I just wish they weren’t ripped to shreds, but they cover enough. The big change, though is, uhm... Idunno how to say it, but I’m kinda a snake from a little past my hips, and my some of my hips, too. I’m really big now, I think, like, fifty feet long or more.”

“Human torso ending in a snake tail. Tell me, has your skin become a bit tougher, or has your tongue changed at all? How are your cuspids?”

“Uh, I’ve got scales on my arms and some other places, and my tongue is pretty normal, I guess. Haven’t really looked. It’s a lot longer now. What’s that got to do with anything? And what are cuspids?” At least she sounds genuinely interested, not just confused.

“I’m basing your physical appearance on another creature to determine what you might have become. Your cuspids are your sharp teeth, your fangs, eyeteeth, canines, whatever you wanna call them.”

“Oh... no, all my teeth are sharp. I cut my tongue a bunch when I first found out.”

“Well miss, it seems to me you are a Naga. To clarify, you are a creature that is part human and part snake. Or rather, serpent to be more exact. You have the sharp teeth, the tail for a lower body is a dead giveaway, and some Naga have snake-like tongues.”

“Oh! Like in DnD! Wait, I thought naga only have human heads?”

“Well, also, naga aren’t supposed to exist. I think we can agree that the universe is allowed a little leeway in creating a physical creature based on pure fiction. But yes, like Dungeons and Dragons. Dragons, by the way, exist here.”

“Oh my gosh! I love DnD. This is going to be so cool, isn’t it?” I can feel her wrap her arms around me again, and this time I feel myself get pulled against her chest. It’s a very nicely cushioned chest, too.

“Yeah, it’d be even cooler if I could see and my friend wasn’t literally stoned. Let’s draw some attention, shall we?” I Spark up, and think of how I could make a spectacle of myself without knowing my surroundings.

“Here, lemme get you onto the rock spire. Oooh, you’re all warm...” I feel thick, strong coils, likely of Myrna’s, wrap around me, and I can feel myself rise steadily. The coils shift a little tighter as we stop moving, and she wraps her arms around me again. “You’re so waaaaarm...”

“More facts then. You seem to have cold-blooded traits. You might not be entirely dependant on outside temperatures, but you seem to definitely be affected by them.” I pause. “As such, I’d suggest standing far back if you can, because I’m about to get a lot warmer.”

“Oh... alright then. Be careful, it’s a pretty steep drop.” I can feel her reluctantly slide off of me, one last gentle squeeze from her coils before she lets go. Again, I hear the shoe-in-pudding noise. I really wish I knew what that was. Musings aside, I prepare to light up as best I can.

I enter my Heat form, summoning the fire around my body. I can hear it crackling lightly, but still I see nothing. That doesn’t matter though, as I don’t need to see to concentrate anyway. In fact, it seems to help. I focus on doing what I did with Twilight’s little electricity test, but with fire. I try to generate as much heat as I can, to become a walking inferno. Surely it would get some attention. I keep going, burning, I’m probably giving off a ton of heat, but what I need right now is light.

A stifled scream from below catches my attention, and I realize something: The heat has to go somewhere.

“Oh, shit! Did I burn something!?” I wish I could see, but if something is burning, my Heat form would at least protect me... but not Myrna...

from below, Myrna calls out. “Uhm, you kinda, uh... melted the top off the chunk of stone you’re standing on. It almost hit me, and I had to move Rarity, too.”

“Yeah, sorry. Being a living star is a bit... risky.”

“Well, as long as you’re okay...” she calls up. I decide I like her voice, it’s kinda similar to Fluttershy’s, with a touch of Twilight’s ‘I actually know stuff!’ tone.

“Oh trust me, you’ll know if I’m not fine. It’s everyone else I’m worried about.”

Several minutes of standing on what was presumably a giant pillar of glowing-hot rock, I hear wingbeats. Rainbow’s voice cuts through the void. “Hey! Twilight sent me and a few others, did you find Ra- woah! What happened to your face?”

“Stuff can be explained later. Yes I found Rarity. She’s a statue, and I’m blind. The naga down there is a friend.”

“What’s a naga?”

“Half human, half snake.”

“huh, weird. Didn’t know humans could swing like that, but whatever. I’ll go and make sure they’re okay, I’ve flagged down the others. Also, why is this rock glowing and hot?”

“Because I’m too hot to handle.”

“Ha ha, whatever.” I hear her wingbeats recede, then stop entirely. Then, a loud thunk.

“W- what the? Is that a pegasus? Why is it stone?” Myrna calls out.

“Stone!? Shit, this is bad! We need to find out what’s causing this.” I’m starting to panic now. Where could that evil, heartless demon be?

Chapter 67

“Hey, Anthony! We saw Rainbow Dash go down there, is Rarity hurt?” It sounds like one of the pegasi from Ponyville found me, but we’ve got to find the creature responsible.

“Yeah, but there’s some evil creature around, it’s turning everyone to stone. It blinded me, but Rarity and Dash are statues!”

“Wait, like a cockatrice or basilisk?” the pony asked.

“If those exist here in magical ponyland, then probably yes.”

“Then we should get some anti-petros charms. And some of the depetrifact potions and... well, for now, we’d better go down there.” I wait a moment, but there’s no sign of them heading down.

“Uh, hey, you still there? Hello?” I call out, trying to find out what the pegasus was doing.

“Uh, yeah. We’re just trying to figure out who’s going down there.” more flapping, but other than that, silence. Myrna calls up. “So... what’s going on? I don’t wanna be stone!”

One of the ponies up here with me speaks up. “Who’s that? I thought only Rarity and Rainbow were here?”

“That’s Myrna, I found her while I was looking for Rarity. Well, she found me after I was blinded. She’s a naga.”

“What’s a na-” the pony starts, but I interrupt. “Snake-human person, she’s a friend.”

I hear an exasperated sigh. “I’ll go down there.” I recognize the voice, it’s the mailmare.

“Derpy, maybe we should let somepony without uh, a...”

I hear Ditzy speak up, sounding a little bitter. “A disability? I’m perfectly fine, Thunderlane.”

“... I was going to say ‘condition’...” Thunderlane mumbled.

“Ditzy? That you? Dang, I wish the circumstances were better... Anyway, uh. Why not let her come down? If she’s brave enough, who cares?”

Some of the other ponies muttered half-hearted arguments for or against, only stopping when I hear Ditzy snort derisively. “I’m going. be back soon. Thunderlane, Flitter, you two go get the charms and the potions, I’ll go check with those down below. Rainy? You make sure Mr. Anthony doesn’t fall off if the Everfree decides to gust about.”

I feel a pegasus gently grab my shoulders, as the others acknowledge their tasks. Ditzy begins to flap down towards Myrna, Rarity and Rainbow Dash. I hear the stallion from before, Thunderlane, call out as he’s leaving, “Be safe, Derpy!”

From below, I can hear Ditzy land on the ground. “Woah! You’re really big, ms naga.”

“Actually, my name’s Myrna. Are your friends going to be alright?”

“I think they will, we just need some depetrifact potions, and they’ll be right as rain. Wow, this isn’t a cockatrice’s work, though. They only make gray stone, and neither Rarity nor Rainbow is gray at all!”

“So, they’re supposed to be gray, if they’re stoned? that’s weird. But what could’ve caused this?”

“Basilisk breath caused petrifaction, but it would’ve caused the grass and trees to turn to stone... and you would’ve seen it. Basilisks are very brightly colored animals, if kinda small.”

“That’s so cool... Uh, but how are you doing that with your eye? I’ve never been able to get mine to do that, and I’ve tried.”

I decide to call down. “It’s called twin-strabismus. It’s a condition where her eyes don’t point in the same direction. It really only affects depth perception though.”

“I can get them to point where I want now, but I don’t see much point in it. I’m used to looking all around now, so...” Ditzy trails off, and I heard things being moved around. “Wow, you’re really strong, Myrna!”

I hear her laugh. “Yeah, I’ve gotten really strong since I got here, just last week. I’ve never been able to lift so much before!”

Huh, guess it might have something to do with this world or something. It seems that any human coming through is altered... strange.

“Well, it looks like you have... wait, did you just fold Rainbow’s wings?”

“Yeah, I can shape stone if I touch it.”

“That’s really cool!”

I feel really left out. I decide to try to get myself back in the conversation. “So, how are the potions made? What makes them work?”

“Well,” the pegasus holding me begins, “there’s some basilisk blood, mixed with Nyctus flower petals, stirred with a feather from a hen. The only part that gives any problem to collect is the Nyctus flower petals, they only grow deep in the Everfree. We have to buy all our stock from Zecora, but it’s not a big problem.”

“Uh huh. So how long until they get back? I kind of like being able to see. Also, can someone get me down from here, not just hold me steady?”

“Oh, sure.” the pony replied, lifting me slightly. I hear her grunt and the sound of her wings beating increases dramatically. I can feel the air rush past in fits and bursts as we fall slower or quicker, depending on how hard she’s flapping. We finally meet the ground, and I hear her collapse, and feel her sag onto my shoulders.

“Sorry, I know I’m not the lightest guy around. Just don’t call me fat.” It’s probably weird since I’m not looking in any specific direction when I say that. I figure since I can’t really tell if I’m looking at them, it doesn’t really matter, so I’m just pointing my head straight forward and waiting for the cure.

“Man, this lack of sight is obnoxious! How long did you say it would take?”

“Uh, shouldn’t be more than a couple more minutes.” The pegasus now draped on my back sighs, sticking her face into the crook of my neck. “I think I have a headache from breathing too hard.”

“Well, you can rest now, I’m sure not going anywhere. Anyway, if it’s not a cockatrice or basilisk...” I try to think of other creatures that can turn things to stone. Wait... “Maybe it’s not a creature, but a demon like I said before? What then?”

“Well, then, we’ll get you kitted up with a charm to protect you from being petrified, and stand back so you can do your thing.” Ditzy said, matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, I suppose. But why is he gone? What scared him off?”

“Maybe having a bunch of ponies show up? Well wait, the last one wanted to hurt us, so idunno about that...”

“This just gets weirder and weirder. I guess we’ll find out later. Right now, I kinda just want to head back to the library...”

I feel the pony on my back nod weakly. “My sister is probably about to get home from school.”

“Well... hmmm... How about this? One of you just points me to where I need to go and tell me if I need to turn?”

“What about when Thunderlane and Flitter get back? They’re expecting us to be here.” Ditzy countered.

“Right... Well then what do we do until they get back with the cure? Playing I Spy sure is out”

“We could talk. I want to know more about this place. What’s it like?” Myrna asks, her voice full of wonder.

“Weeeeell... It depends on who you ask I suppose.” I reply. “For the first year or so I was essentially a pariah of the town. Nobody’d even keep their store open if I was within two yards of them. Then I punched a demon so hard his head exploded, saved the town, and now I’m a world-renowned hero getting fan mail and marriage proposals.”

“You punched a demon so hard it exploded? That’s so... so... wow.”

“Yeah. I’m pretty tough. The weirdest part, is that most of the ponies thought that what I’d do was eat them... sure I eat meat, but I’m not about to eat something sentient.”

“Y’like ribs?”

“Yes! Oh man I have not had any beef since I got here, just fish. But it seems only gryphon restaurants serve cow. Guess since the ponies don’t eat meat much, it just happens that way.”

“That’s sad.”

Ditzy speaks up. “If you’d like, I serve lasagna with pork in it sometimes. I’d be willing to make you a batch if you want it.”

“Ditzy, if I could see you, I would hug you!”

I feel a pair of hooves wrap around me. “There, now I’m hugging you.” she retorted.

I just return the hug. Man ponies are soft. Fluttershy seems to be the softest for some reason, though. But Ditzy’s nice too.

“So Myrna. What else would you like to know? I may not be completely accurate, but you’d get a human’s perspective.”

“Well, uhm... is there anywhere I could stay? I’ve kinda been sleeping in trees - it’s really comfy - but I’d like to have somewhere to sleep for real, in a bed.”

“Hmmm... I don’t know, really. To be honest, I didn’t even sleep indoors until the end of last month. But if you like trees,  I could suggest the library. It’s a huge tree, I suppose you could use that and we’d get some blankets or something.”

“Where do you live?”

“Technically, the library, but not officially. I stay with Twilight because then she can study and keep an eye on me.”

“She studies you?” Myrna asks, and I hear a note of anger in her voice.

“Yeah. She takes notes and such. I am the first human they’ve encountered, and aside from the demon who used to be human, and I suppose you, I’m the first one who won’t go around killing everyone.”

Myrna doesn’t respond for a little while, and I realize that Ditzy is dozing in my lap. I’ve been scritching her behind the ears this whole time and totally didn’t notice.

“She also studies me because I’m a stellar being. She is a bit... eccentric, but she’s nice, just very curious if a bit of a rules lawyer. I also seem to have a talent for ticking her off.”

Hmm... speaking of talent, I guess I should explain Cutie Marks some time... once I get a better understanding first. “So, anything else you’d like to know?”

“Well, I guess I-”

Myrna is cut off as the sound of beating wings sounds loudly through the clearing. “We’ve got the potions, and the charms!” Thunderlane said, and I hear someone land next to me.

I feel Ditzy stand up. “Alright, Thunderlane, give me a bottle. Anthony, tip your head back, this’ll need to go on your eyes.”

I do as I’m instructed, leaning my head back a bit and wait for the cure. “Alright, go for it.”

I feel liquid, presumably the potion, poured gently onto my face. I feel my eyes start to feel a lot less stiff, and soon, Ditzy stops pouring. I feel alright, but...

“Oh dear gods! It didn’t work! I’m blind for good!” I am totally freaking out, I’m probably flailing, but I think that’s excusable at this moment. I hear one of the other ponies scream in terror. Wait... That’s not fright, that’s laughter.

“Hey Anthony, why don’t you try opening your eyes?”

Suddenly, I can see again. Boy, do I feel like an idiot.

Chapter 68

 I look around, and see Ditzy smiling up at me, one eye pointing in another direction. Then, one of the ponies looks to my left, and freezes. Wait, no, they’ve just been petrified!

I hear Ditzy, Myrna, and one of the other ponies shout in fear, and I watch as Ditzy begins scanning around in all directions.

“Crap! G- get me one of those charms! I need to be able to fight this thing!”

Ditzy immediately begins rummaging in the saddlebags that Thunderlane is carrying, the nervous stallion glancing in all directions. She pulls out some pieces of glass with a snowflake design in the middle of each, all of them a part of an otherwise boring necklace. She hands them out to each of us, and I put mine on.

“Okay, until we know what just caused that, let’s keep these charms on! Thunderlane, what did you see?” Ditzy’s voice held a thorough a commanding tone with only one possible source: motherhood.

The spooked stallion glanced in every direction once more. “Flitter just went to look over there, and she must’ve left her charm off, ‘cuz then she’s stone!” I look at the stone pegasus. It looks as though she’s been carved out of a bluish soapstone.

“Okay, this is bad. What can we do?” I think for a moment. “Okay, I have a plan for now. This isn’t good being in the forest, because we’re in it’s territory. It has the field advantage. We need to get all our statue’d friends and get out of here!”

I see, out of the corner of my eye, someone who I assume is Myrna pick up Rarity and Rainbow Dash under an arm each. Ditzy has already splashed Flitter with the potion, and is pulling the stumbling pegasus along.

All of us dash quickly, and the pegasus on my back flies up, acting as guide through the forest.

After about ten minutes of frenzied running, we exit the forest, Twilight is already there, along with a small contingent of guards with shiny, mirrored inserts where they’d normally have the mask open.

“Hey, we’re gonna need some help here, Twi.” I gesture to the statues. “We’ve decided that it isn’t a cockatrice, or a basilisk. We’ve got no clues other than that.”

Twilight nodded, then looked up at Myrna, who actually towered above me by quite a bit. “Wh- what is- ?” Twilight’s eyes are wide at the sight of her.

“Twilight, this is Myrna. She’s a naga. She was the first to find me in the forest.”

“W- what’s a naga?” Twilight asked, as the two petrified ponies were carried by magic behind the guard’s line, potion being administered as needed. The guards were already moving their line forward, in case something came out of the Everfree.

“A naga is something from human mythology. It’s a mix of human and snake, a strange mix of mammalian and reptilian species. They aren’t supposed to exist, but something happened and Myrna here became one when she came here.”

“Uh, wait... then why does she have snakes on her head?”

“What!?” I turn around to look at her and as soon as I realize she does have snake hair, the mythological part of my mind takes over and I cover my eyes. “Shit! That’s the problem!”

“What? Why is that a problem?” Twilight asks, and Myrna asks the same.

“Myrna, you aren’t a Naga, you’re a Gorgon!” I tentatively lower my arms. “A Gorgon’s gaze has petrification effects. If you look one in the eyes directly, you’re turned to stone. That’s what’s been happening!”

“Wait, so you mean I’ve been turning everything to stone?” Myrna sounds hurt.

“Obviously not intentionally. It’s not something that can be turned off, it’s a natural effect. You’d need some kind of eye-cover before it’s safe to have you around a populated area.”

“I- o-oh...” She sounds really sad. Risking a peek from between my fingers, I get a better look at her. She’s physically much larger than me, with the start of her snake portion and thereby her hips being about half again as wide as my own. She’s also looking really downcast, with her hands in the pockets of a dark hoodie, which is now drawn up and over her face.

“That’s either a good thing or a really bad thing. On the upside, you can stop pretty much anything dangerous. On the downside, you can’t prevent it from affecting friends either unless there’s some form of protection.”

“Wait, Anthony, are you saying that her looking somepony in the eyes would make them turn to stone?” Twilight asked.

“That’s what the mythological information on them says. Given that she claims that she’s never seen any living creatures, only statues, I’d say they’re all true. However, her stone manipulation is another power entirely her own.”

“That makes no sense, though!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Twilight, I’m a baby star now! You think-”

“No, I’m saying that’s impossible, because she looked me in the eye! I’m not wearing a charm, I was about to cast a ward on myself when you all showed up!”

“What? But... Then I have no idea how it happens, but all the clues point to Myrna.”

“Hmm...” Twilight put her hoof to her chin, and put on what I can only describe as a ‘thinking-full’ expression. “Myrna, how would you say you felt when you first got here?”

The Gorgon tilts her head up for a moment, then back down when she realized what she was doing. “I, uh, I was really scared. I ended up here when the demons smashed my neighborhood, and I didn’t evacuate in time.”

“Demons!?” I shout. “But... those aren’t real, not in the human world! You said you were human before you got here, right?”

“Yeah, from Earth? I lived in Olympia, but about two years ago, demons started popping up through these big, fiery gates. Lots of people say it’s the apocalypse... How could you have not heard about this? There’s only a few places on earth they haven’t been.”

“Uh- Uh- Olympia!?” This is way too much right now. “Ooooooh boy, I’m gonna have to sit down for this. And I have a feeling only Twilight will understand what I’m saying...”

“Uhm... sorry... anyways, did that answer your question, Twilight?”

“Yes... I have a couple more. When you first saw Anthony, here, what did you feel then?”

“Well, I was really shocked, I hadn’t seen another human in several weeks. Heck, I hadn’t even seen anything but plants for a week!”

Twilight nodded. “Alright, last question, when you saw me and the guards, leaving the forest?”

“I was relieved. Anthony said you’re good people, if often really easy to spook.”

Twilight nodded. “I think I have it.” Her smile brightened.

“It’s triggered by her emotional reaction, specifically if she’s scared or surprised.” I finish for her and turn to Myrna. “As for why I wasn’t completely petrified, I guess I’d have to thank my powers for that.”

Myrna looks up at me, looking hopeful. I get a look at her brilliant, jade-green eyes. “So... I’m not a danger?”

“You are about as dangerous as I am, which mean no, but you have the potential to cause extreme havoc. It’s all on how you compose yourself. If you stay calm, you’re not a problem.”

Myrna nods, smiling widely. Strangely, this actually doesn’t help me feel better, because all of her teeth are sharp and pointy.

“As for where you came from... well, first, what year was it when you ‘left’ Olympia?”

“Well, actually, I wasn’t living there when I was sent here, but the last day I remember was in late April, twenty-sixteen. Right after around sixteen thousand people disappeared, all on the same night, April twenty-fifth. Most people think it was a sign, that they all got to go to heaven as part of the Rapture, before the apocalypse.”

“2016... that’s two years after I got here.” I turn to Twilight. “You think there’s a connection, or just coincidence?”

“Well... if something was able to throw you physically across an aether strand - which, by the way, has never been done before - it’s possible that it took two years until it could do it again. But you mentioned, Myrna, that sixteen thousand other humans disappeared at the same time?”

“Y- yeah... d’you think it’s something someone was doing to save us?”

I scoff. “If any higher beings felt pity for us, they would have done something a lot sooner if you ask me. And what the heck is an aether strand?”

“Oh, it’s what ties universes together. It’s pretty common knowledge that different universes converge at certain points, but there’s no way to force universes that don’t converge to connect. Aether strands are basically spots where the universes ‘touch’ but don’t actually converge, and they happen naturally. It take millions of strands just to send sound or images across, so sending something through physically? Well, I think you can understand the problems with trying that artificially.”

“So we just so happen to be having shitty, or fantastic depending on your view, luck. Oh, and demons are attacking.”

“Well, yeah. You mentioned them before, though. If you didn’t see them on earth, when did you see them?” Myrna asked.

“Here in Ponyville a while back. Remember? I punched one and it blew up? Yeah, it just came out of nowhere, seemed to be previously human, and was killing and burning for kicks.”

“Well, that sounds like a demon ascendant. They’re humans who get allowed to try to become a demon by acting like them.” Myrna said. She sniffs, and looks sad again. “My brother turned into one.”

“Huh. So I guess we should ask more practical questions for now. First off, where’s she gonna sleep? I suggested the branches of the library.”

“Well, I suppose she could. I’m sure Princess Celestia would like to meet her, though.” Twilight says. “And probably Luna, too.”

Myrna nods. “Can I... er, never mind.”

“Oh goddamnit, seriously, why is pretty much everyone I meet afraid to speak their mind? Just spit it out!”

“Because then we’d all end up as rude as you are.” Twilight admonished.

“No way! It takes practice to be as big of a jerk as I am. But seriously Myrna, just say it.”

“Well, before the demons, I was wanting to become a painter... c- could I maybe do that here?”

“I don’t know, the only I job I’ve held is as a coal shoveler, but that ended a while ago.”

Rarity, now un-petrified, wobbled over. “Darling, if you’d like to be a painter, then don’t let any- whoo!” Rarity toppled sideways as her legs gave out, having to be caught by Twilight. “sorry, dears. Don’t let anypony tell you that you can’t. Now if you don’t mind, I’m very hungry, and I must make sure Sweetie hasn’t eaten all the cookies and ice cream. It’ll give her such a stomach ache if she did.”

“She did.” I give my flat reply. “Last I saw, she was coming off her sugar rush so I put her to bed.”

“Oh dear, I suppose I can just write off those sheets then.” Rarity remarked as she wobbled for home.

“So anyway Myrna, I suppose we should get you to meet the ponies.”

Chapter 70

I managed to get back to the library and into my room. I’m not sleepy, just... exhausted. My brain has already been kinda frazzled from today’s events, and now I’m dealing with power-use fatigue. I didn’t have to do it, but I felt like showing off. And I kinda wanted to give her something special as a welcome gift to say ‘Hi! For the first few weeks, you will be a freak, but that’s fine because I’m a friend and I don’t care that you’re a snake-person!’

Also, there’s her story of getting here. Or rather, the demons. What’s going on? Are there going to be more demons coming here? Well, if there was some sort of contest and the winner was the one who killed or corrupted the Element of Kindness... yeah, Fluttershy would be on the top of my hit list. Guess I should at least anticipate them...

But how many demon attacks could Ponyville take? I’d say it might take a modern human militia force to be effective at just slowing one. These ponies... they aren’t warlike. They don’t have the violent nature for that kind of thing. I just don’t know if that's a good thing as they work together... or a bad thing because they aren’t prepared for threats.

Guess I kind of am their hero. I protect them with a form of violence that... they just can’t conceive. Oh well.

I grab another of Blueish’s books on Wunderland. I guess since she arrived so soon, Myrna won’t be going. Oh well, I suppose it would be a good time for her to try out life in Ponyville on her own.

I’m flipping through the book, only half paying attention, when I’m suddenly hit by something large and traveling fast, right in the gut. On reflex, I Spark up, going almost immediately to my Heat form. I hear a yelp of pain, and look down to see Rainbow Dash bounce off of me, her belly singed. I sigh, and groan a little.

“Jeez Dash. You need to start using the door, sometime. I’m not the right person to surprise with a body slam.”

“Sorry, man. And you should be more careful, too! You coulda burned me!” She gives me a half-hearted glare, but I’m not impressed.

“Yes, I need to be careful and wary while I’m laying on my bed, in my room, and always expect that if something hits me, they won’t start wrecking the town unless I do something.”

“Oh come on, that’s only happened, uh...” She concentrates, scrunching up her face to do the math. “Three times? Or two? I can’t remember! And one of those was your fault, you let out Discord!”

“First of all, I’m glad I finished high school before I came here, seems I wouldn’t be getting that good of an education if an element of Harmony can’t count. Secondly, Discord was fun, just out of control and I put him in his place. I agree, he needs training.”

“Hey! I can count to, like, a hundred! On my own! I didn’t have time for school, I was training to fly like a champ when I was younger!”

“Well, you certainly show it. Tell me, how many zeroes are in the number one-thousand?”

“Duh, none! It’s a word!” Dash puffs her chest out happily, a smug look on her face. Okay, that’s almost funny, but it works.

“For the record, I’m glad I live with the smart one, even if your science around here is completely screwed up. Lightning that doesn’t kill? Never heard of electrical fires? Bullcrap.”

“Pfft, you’re the one with screwy science. Lightning that kills? Lightning setting things on fire? Crazy.” We look at each other, before cracking smiles.

I give an evil grin, enter my Dynamo form, and start generating some electricity. “Wanna put your money where your muzzle is? How much you wanna wager I can’t turn a piece of paper to ashes with just electricity?”

“Oh come on, everypony knows that if you put enough energy of any kind through anything, it either melts or explodes. Unless it’s a chariot in an action play, then it blows up when anything happens to it other than being driven.”

I grin. “It turns too hard- BOOOOOM!” I emphasize the word by spreading my arms apart quickly and flailing them. Dash and I both start laughing.

“Hits a pothole! Kablooie!” Dash shouts, laughing and rolling on the ground.

“Yeah, explosions are nice and all, but seriously that stuff is ridiculous. But I’m not kidding, the only reason your lightning is safe is because it’s wimpy. Could you squeeze out a lightning bolt with enough power to cause a real explosion?”

“Ha! As if I’d waste the time. The real lightning is used by the Cloudsdale Elite Guard. They’ve all got actual combat experience, and they can generate lightning able to fry a gryff to death.” Dash stops for a moment before suckign in her lip. “Er, but that’s kinda a state secret that Spitfire let slip when we hung out at the Gala. Please don’t tell anypony?”

“Rainbow Dash, technically speaking, I only live here. I come from another planet. Most of this stuff I couldn’t even use.”

“Well, yeah, but nopony is supposed to know about it, it’s their secret weapon in case there’s ever a major invasion.” Dash actually looks really desperate to keep this under wraps.

“Is it public knowledge that they have a secret weapon, even if the specifics are unknown?”

“No. Supposedly, they’re just better trained, and only get in if they get actual combat experience outside the unit. But really, it’s if they find somepony who can actually boltcast, and they teach ‘ya how to hone that. Spitfire can do it, but she declined joining, so did Soarin’.”

“That’s a really stupid military tactic.” At the look of confusion I get from Dash, I decide to clarify. “Think about it. If you say your city has a secret weapon that can kill a gryphon, but the opposition doesn’t know what it is and therefore doesn’t know how to stop it, it sounds like you have the ultimate weapon, which means only the really brave or really stupid would attack, thus meaning, fewer attackers overall.”

“Uhm, Anthony? We are ruled by the two beings who control the sun and moon. They had a heated debate a thousand years ago that made the entire world endure a two-week night. I think our ‘obvious’ weapons are good enough.” Rainbow Dash looked smugly at me.

“And yet here I stand, enough power to wipe out both of them in seconds... and I’m on the inside... And if there are more of those demons...”

Dash looks at me worriedly. “But... how are you more powerful than Luna or Celestia? Or both, really?”

“Because I don’t shy away from killing. I don’t need to match their power, I just need to kill them. Seriously, you guys think way too much about magic and not enough about mortality.”

“B- but if you killed them, then what about the sun and moon? There’s nothing else strong enough to move them.”

“I’m a stellar being, I don’t really need sunlight. Or the moon. Technically speaking, I could completely wipe you all out and lose nothing. I’m your worst nightmare.” I then give her a happy smile. “And we’re friends!!” I crush her in a big bear hug.

She eeps, and shouts, “Not cool, man! I was freakin’ out!”

“Rainbow, think about it. Sure I wouldn’t lose anything, but what would I gain? The only reason anybody fights is to gain something from it. If I have no reason to be your enemy, why should I be?” I pause. “There is no reason. I’m also not the kind who kills for fun. Even with our screwy science, us humans are dangerous, but if there’s nothing for us to gain from being violent, we just don’t care.”

Dash nods, her fuzzy face tickling my ear. “Oh, yeah, I came in through your window because Twilight cussed me out last week for breaking another window, and I wanted to get in. The other windows are closed. D’ya know where the new Daring Do book is?”

“Still don’t know how you guys stand that trash... check the kids section, seriously, it’s just a kid’s series.” I push her back slightly so I can look her in the eyes.

“Just shows you don’t like history. It’s all based on real things, I just know it!”

“For a while, people thought Star Wars was based on real stuff that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. And you are right, I never got more than a B in any History class I took. I hate it.”

Rainbow lets out another ‘pfft’ that ruffles my bangs, and I realize that my hair is falling across my eyes in a tangled, curly mess. Crap, I need a haircut.

“Anyway, go find your literary garbage heap, and I’m gonna go find a place to get a haircut. I need to rid of this giant mop on my head.”

I’m about to get up but then I think about something. “Hey Dash, you’re a tough pony, right? What’d you think of some of the music I played at my hero party?”

“Pretty awesome!”

“Hmmm... how about something a little more... dark?”

“Dude! Awesome!”

“Alright... just warning you. Not everyone will enjoy this, ‘cause a bunch of you ponies are wusses. Here’s a good one.” I pull the Lyre out from under my mattress and start playing the song.

Once more, the song began flowing as the night crept up my arms. About halfway through, I saw that she’s air-guitaring along with the song, a goofy grin on her face.

The two of us head bob, and she somehow gets the lyrics along with me.

The song soon is finished and I’m panting. “And that... is what we call Hard Rock!”

“That...” Dash pants a few times. “Whoo... that was awesome! I can see why you didn’t play it with the foals around, though. Heh... oh, I’m gonna go check out that book, and maybe go see what the new person, whatsername, uh...”

“Myrna. Personally, I wouldn’t forget the name of a hundred-plus foot-long snake woman who turned me to stone. But that’s just me, I guess.”

Dash nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She shudders, and a look of fear passes over her face. “It was like being stuck in a full-body cast, but I couldn’t see and it felt like I was suffocating, like, the whole time!”

“Yeah, I’d imagine that’s what being turned to stone feels like. I can’t imagine how Discord could stand that for a thousand years. Which, by the way, is three zeros.”

Dash frowns again. “I- I guess I never thought of it like that.”

“Suddenly, him always trying to escape being hit by the elements makes sense, huh?”

Dash nods, and begins making her way shakily to the stairs.  “I’m, uh, just going to get the... the book.”

“How the mighty fall, when they realize that their treatment of villains, is just as villainous.” I pause looking at Rainbow. “Nevermind, just thinking aloud.”

Now, I’m looking around the town, because I’ve honestly not needed the services of a barber in the last two-ish years... or maybe, exactly two, if Myrna really does come from the same world as me.

I figure that I might stop by the spa, see if the owners knew. Similar business and all that. Plus, I hadn’t met the owners yet, despite being at the spa yesterday.

I step up to the spa, seeing that it states it’s not open on sundays and mondays, which isn’t a problem, as it’s wednesday now. Ducking under the relatively short door as usual, I look around. There’s only two ponies in here, one of them being... Big Mac? Huh, well, guess I’m not the only tough guy who likes a bit of pampering. Also, an orange pony with curly hair, who’s reading a magazine.

I decide I should just sit down and wait. I don’t think anything in these magazines would be interesting, but I decide I might give one a shot, not actually looking at the title.

The magazine is full of various tips about growing gardens, all with weirdly worded sentences. Also, most of the phrasing makes no sense. Wait... I stop as I get to the ‘readers write in’ section, and the realization hits me that the entire magazine is written in classy double entendre. About vegetable gardening.

Gingerly, I put the magazine back on the table and settle into my chair. If that’s their idea of smut used for humor... good lord this place is messed up. I take a chance with another, this time looking at the title first. Equestrian Geographic.

Heh, this might be interesting. Maybe I can learn something. I find an article on gryphon culture. Flipping past the two-page photo of a painting of a castle shaped like a bird skull, I scan the article.

‘Many decades before the rise of the Diarchy to power over Equestria as its rulers, the Grand Empire of King Rueter rose to power, and a more dynamic king has, thankfully, not been seen since those times’ was the opener, followed soon by ‘Gleb Rueter was the first Gryphon to unify the entirety of the Gryphon Nations, taking the scattered threads of civilization, and weaving them into a glorious basket, capable of carrying all of Gryphon kind.’

What the fuck am I reading? No, really? I mean... what’s with the basket thing? I thought gryphons... well, as far as my mythology went, they are semi-intelligent, and fully sentient here. But mostly, they’re just predators... I mean, sure they could have a kingdom but... something about this sounds... wrong. But I just don’t know why.

This is definitely the same magazine as National Geographic, but with a different title. And planet, I suppose.

I read a little more, morbid curiosity daring me to. ‘The fundamental barbarity of gryphons prevents their civilizations from lasting long.’ Hell of a quote. The gryphon I met certainly served meat, but he seemed nice, he wasn’t a brute, he was grateful for Vinyls help... Oh well, I guess there’s probably something similar to the First Amendment here, so they can write whatever crap they want.

I look up, and see that the orange mare has already left, I must’ve sat here longer than I thought, going over this article. I’m about to ask if there’s any way to call the spa owners when one opens the door and calls in Big Mac.

Just sitting here, I think about looking over another magazine, but only the fates know what I’ll get this time... I decide not to, so I just sit and wait. I’m not even here as a customer, I just wanna know where a salon is!

After about half an hour of waiting later, the orange mare from before leaves, her mane more bouncy and shiny than before, and the pony who let her out looks to me. I sense some vague recollection, and the blue mare with a pink mane smiles at me.

I get up and walk over. “Uh, yeah, hi. Uh, I was wondering if Ponyville had a salon, and if so, where it is and what it’s called.”

“Oh! Vell, my seester und I can-” she coughs once, then continues. “ah, that is, my sister and I can help you vith your hair, Anthony. And you still have that discount!” She smiles broadly.

“Well, thanks. I guess if I’m here, I might see what other services you have. Though a massage might be difficult. Muscle structure being pretty much completely different. But you’re welcome to try.”

The mare squeals happily. “Very vell, then! Eets your first time here, so you get this one free. I’ll go get my sister. Mr. McIntosh is volunteering for today, so we’re not short of hooffs.”

“Well, lead the way, uh... I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

She giggled again, behind her hoof, and led me into the building. “It’s Lotus, Anthony.”

Chapter 71

I’m in the main area of the spa and I see the general stuff I’d expect from a human spa. A jacuzzi, a sauna, massage beds, mud packs, all that stuff. Granted everything is sized for a pony, so I’m a little big, but it seems like the spa sisters are going to do their best anyway. Lotus leads me over to another pony in similar attire. In fact, they’re completely identical, except this new pony has a pink coat with a blue mane. Even the colors are exactly the same, just swapped.

“This ees my twin sister, Aloe.”

“It ees vonderfol to finally meet you, mister Anthony!” Aloe greets me with a large smile. “I vill be giffing you your manecut.”

“It’s certainly nice to meet you. Don’t give me anything fancy though, just cut it short. I’m not big on appearances.”

One of the sisters clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Such a shame, it ees much to vork vith.”

“I’d rather not start fighting another demon and have my hair accidentally cover my eyes.”

“Still, it ees a shame nonetheless.” Aloe leads me to a chair that is just barely big enough for me, and Lotus brings out a stepping stool so Aloe can actually reach my head.

Despite having just hooves, she manages to use scissors just as easily as a person. It doesn’t take long before she is finished and I am brought a mirror. I take a look and it’s just as I requested. Rather short, not completely flat, but not a giant mass. Said giant mass is now on the ground, being swept up by another stallion.

Once that is done, the sisters take a few of the pony-sized massage beds and set them up next to each other, making a large table that could fit me. I lay on it, after being instructed to lay on my stomach. I hear heavy hoofsteps on the smooth tile floor, along with Aloe or Lotus explaining to whoever is to be giving me my massage the run-down on what to do.

A moment of silence, then the hooves move to me. A crackling like knuckles being popped echoed from above me, and I have no time to contemplate it before the first hoof hits my back.

However, it’s not a hit like in combat, but merely the sudden placement of a hoof on my back. It’s big enough to cover one shoulder blade entirely. The inside of the hoof, which I should take the time to learn some day, moved in ripples as it begins to massage my back. The hoof begins to move, pulsing and moving like machine designed for massages, another hoof beginning to do the same.

I can feel my muscles almost liquefying, knots in my back almost removing themselves.

Then, a series of careful, precise jabs along my spine seemed to almost shatter it - but after a second, I relax as I feel my spine settle into a relaxed, natural curve. I sigh happily.

Nearly fifteen minutes of being worked over later, the massage stops. Rolling over, I prepare to thank my masseur profusely, as they did an excellent job. I stop, when I realize I’m looking at Princess Celestia, but without any of her golden shoes or her chest thingy, and she has one of those spa headbands the twins have instead of her crown.

She smiles sheepishly. “Was it good?”

“Er... yeah. I uh... rather enjoyed it. I’m a bit confused though...”

“Well, royal life can get a bit boring, and I still like to find ways to help my subjects feel comfortable and welcome under my rule.”

“So, that was actually pretty nice... I feel like I should return the favor somehow...”

“Ooooooooh, Anthony this feels so good! Your fingers are ohhh incredible!”

“Enjoying yourself, princess?”

“Oh yes, yes! Right there oh, this feel so gooood... please, more!”

“Can’t you get treatment like this from one of your subjects?”

“A- are you crazy? Of cou- course noooooot! Nopony would even think of doing this for me!”

The spa twins are watching us and whispering to each other. I hear them say something about wondering if I would give them a turn.

“I suppose it wouldn’t work either way. After all, none of these ponies have fingers.” I grin mischieviously as I put more pressure into my ministrations.

“Ohhhhhhh I wish they did, this is fantastic. Yes, ohhhhh yes, Please, more, yes! Oh, right there again, please!”

Looks I found a sensitive spot. I put a bit more focus into the area around it, but not getting too close.

“Stop teasing me like that, Anthony!”

I sigh and run my fingers around the base of her wings, and then her wings themselves. I move my hands forward, making my way to the base of her neck. I’ve never had practice giving a massage to anyone, especially not a pony. But I guess having fingers help a lot, given the dexterity.

“Oh, can you scratch my ears again?”

I oblige with a grin, and she sighs contentedly. Ponies. They sure like getting petted. After a few more minutes, I stop and Celestia gets to her feet.

“That was wonderful Anthony. I think I’ll just send for you when my back itches.”

“Today was a freebie, next time it’ll cost you.”

“Fine, I suppose that’s fair. Anyway, I should be getting back to Canterlot. If I’m gone too long, the ponies might start to panic.”

“Yeah, they kinda act like you're their mother or something.”

“Oh trust me Anthony, I don’t act as a parent for these ponies, just a leader. Besides, you act childish enough anyways.” With a sly grin her horn glows and she teleports back to Canterlot.

Oh, I’m gonna show her childish! Later though, I need to strike back when she doesn’t expect it. For now, I head back to the library. I need to study a bit more about Wunderland before we go. I’m not going to put this trip off again, lest Cadence decides to follow through with her threat.

Chapter 72

Two weeks later... ish

Today is the day. Cadence sent down letters to Twilight, Pinkie and I, that the Lookinglass Gate that leads from Canterlot to Wunderland would only be open for another two days on this side. As such, we’re all packed up, and ready to go, and we’re sitting on the train to Canterlot.

With any luck, we’ll only take a few weeks there, but I’ve been warned over and over again that the time we spend there might not be the time spent here.

In fact, Twilight’s going over that again, while Pinkie and I are playing a card game and ignoring her. Besides, I’m not stupid, I’ve read enough theoretical physics and sci-fi to understand that things can get weird when moving to a new world or whatever Wunderland is.

Anyway, I’m rather surprised, because Pinkie has the best poker-face ever. She never stops smiling, which makes it really hard to tell what she has. This is difficult.

“D’you have a three?” she asks.

“Yes...” I place the card down on the table.

“Wait, so do I go fish? Or wait, what are we playing again?” This is the other problem with playing against Pinkie - she knows too many games, the rules all there in full.

“At this point, we could be playing ring toss. I have no idea.” Then I get an idea and pull some coal out. For the trip, I upgraded from a pouch to a saddlebag Rarity modified into a satchel for me. I make a little loop about two inches in diameter and tossed it at Twilight, trying to get it to land on her horn... without cheating.

The engrossed unicorn doesn’t seem to notice until Pinkie lands the first ring, and Twilight goes cross-eyed to look at it. “Wha-?”

Pinkie and I jump up and yell “Score!” Our arms raised.

“What are you two doing? What’s going on?”

“It’s called ring toss.”

Pinkie giggled. “It’s a lot of fun, Twilight! Ooh, I just had an idea, can you shake your head?” Twilight lets out an exasperated sigh and rolls her eyes. Pinkie lands another ring on Twilight’s horn.

“Aw come on, Twilight, why are you only fun when you aren’t participating?”

Twilight humphed and lay down on the seat, her horn at the perfect angle for the ring toss. She used her magic to levitate the two rings off of her horn and drop them on my lap. “Spoilsport...” Pinkie muttered. Her moods seem more... moody than usual.

“So, now what? We’ve still got another, like, twenty minutes until we arrive.” Suddenly a thought hits me and I grin. “You know, when we get back from Wunderland, it’ll only be about five weeks before we release Discord!”

Twilight glared at me. “Might only be five weeks! Have you not been listening? The temporal-”

“Yeah, you’re right, he might think we forgot about him! Maybe we should free him and take him along...”

“No!” Twilight is such a grump sometimes... She needs to get out more.

“Well, I guess that’s your opinion. I can’t imagine being turned to stone is very comfortable. Rainbow Dash certainly hated it. I just don’t feel right imprisoning someone longer than we have to.”

Twilight looks uncomfortable, shifting in her seat. It doesn’t look like she want to think too hard on that, tucking her hooves under her chest like a cat. It’d probably be more adorable if she wasn’t having to sort through a moral conundrum.

I decide to just keep messing with her. It’s the only way I can have any real fun with her anyways. “You know, that might be something to write down. After all, the more we know about various forms of petrification, the better. For all we know, it could be different. Though Rainbow did mention it felt like constant suffocation.” I pause to let that sink in. “We should really do all we can to help Myrna. And if it’s the same for Discord...”

I shudder. “A thousand years of that, and now three more years...”

Pinkie and Twilight both looked deeply disturbed by the thought, and the air in the train-car turns sour with tension. Some start to a vacation this is... Hey, maybe there’s a chance I could at least go say ‘hi’ to Discord before I go, to at least say that I’ll be back as soon as I can. Rainbow said she could hear while stone, just not speak or move.

“Well, in any case, I’m gonna go for a walk around the train. I’ll take my opinions on the moral treatment of our adversaries we hope to befriend with me, I suppose.”

The two ponies shuffled in their seats as I left, shutting the dividing door gently. I turn and see that I’m in some kind of dining-car, and there’s a bunch of ponies in business suits and the like clustered around either a minibar or a few tables attached to the train itself. They’re all staring at me, and I get the feeling that they stopped their conversations when I walked in.

“So, what do you guys do for fun on train rides?” I ask, sitting down, addressing the ponies.

The entire car goes back to their business, the colt and the mare I’d sat across from shrugging. The mare glances at the stallion, and he glances back to her. “Mostly, we drink, or we wait. Ain’t much else to do for... business ponies.” he says. He’s wearing some kind of long coat and wide hat, and she’s wearing the same, but I don’t really care enough to eyeball their clothes.

“Really? You can’t be on business all the time. Come on, just relax. Sing a song, play a game! Live!”

The ponies glance left and right, almost perfectly in sync. The colt leans closer to me, while keeping an eye towards the bartender. “Listen, bud, we ain’t gotta thing to do, right now. We’re, uh, layin’ low. You got cards? We’ll play cards if you keep quiet.”

“You on the run or something? What'cha do, put hot sauce in someone’s coffee and they hire an assassin?” I whisper, keeping my voice down.

The two snickered. “Heh, sure, let’s go with that. Now, let’s play cards and not be conspicuous. I think the bartender’s already got us pegged.”

“You’re asking me,” I gesture to my very noticeably non-pony figure. “to look inconspicuous?”

The two look me up and down. “Howsabout you look more conspicuous than us? That’s a bit better than all of us being-”

The bartender, who had moved quietly and swiftly to the table, without me noticing, clears his throat. “Sir, madam.”

The two ponies groan and face-table. The Bartender leans forward, eyes narrowing. “I must ask you... May I have your autographs? My niece is a big fan of the Wonderbolts.”

My table companions groan again. “I’m sure she is.” The colt sighs, and doffs his hat, revealing a powder-blue mane and blue coat. A wing snaps out from under the coat, gripping the proffered quill and signs the picture shoved at him by the bartender. The mare follows suit with a sigh, her hat coming off to reveal a literal fiery-looking mane and orange fur.

I pause. “Why don’t you just say no? You wouldn’t believe all the fans I have, and I usually just say no. Why all the hiding?”

As the words left my mouth, I see that the dozen or so ponies have all pulled open their own coats, are now using old flashbulb cameras to snap dozens of pictures a second. The light is blinding, even to me.

“Okay, I’ll handle this.” I Spark up and rush across each of the paparazzi, and taking their cameras, before returning to the table, Powering down, and removing the film from each of the cameras. “As I said, why don’t you say no?”

The orange mare smiles gently and gives a quiet laugh. “What, and leave some poor little filly crying, because she got turned down by the Wonderbolts? It’s a tradition to sign it all, but ponies have been getting more and more inventive on tracking us down for autographs. It’s why we rarely stay still anymore.” She glares over at the paparazzi, who all back off, sheepish grins in place. I’m tempted, if only for a moment, to smash their cameras, but they’re just doing their jobs.

“So do what I do when I have to. I tell them that unless they ask first and are polite then they can take pictures or get you to sign stuff, or they get nothing. I only do it for nice people.”

The colt sighed, crossing his hooves. “Yeah, the last time we tried to limit our autographing, it took three wings of Stormbringers to stop the fires. Chickago hasn’t been the same since.”

“Well, I guess that is a problem, but technically that’s their fault. Eh just forget it, I’m probably not much help. Different kind of fame and all.”

The two ponies nodded, as I hand back the now-empty cameras. The film is mine now, and I’ll probably burn it once we’re somewhere I can safely dispose of it. The Wonderbolts offer me a drink from their bottle of whiskey.

“Canterlot’s only about a minute away, might as well have a drink to part with, eh?” the stallion asks, sliding a shot glass to me.

“Yup, I suppose so.” I pour some whiskey out into the glass and knock it back at once. I shiver from the sensation, but it’s not the hardest drink I’ve ever had. “Not bad stuff there. Guess when you’re famous you get the good stuff.”

The orange mare shook her head. “Nah, that’s just the normal stock. My uncle makes Firewhiskey, he’s named after it.” She pauses for a moment. “Or it’s named after him. I’ve never really looked into that.”

The whistle blows to announce our arrival at Canterlot. I get up and head back to the train car with Twilight and Pinkie. Technically I could just phase out of the side of the train and wait for them, but I’d rather not if the train is still slowing down.

Within half an hour, we’ve assembled, met up with Cadence, who shares the strangest greeting with Twilight. I say ‘hi’, and decide to excuse myself to check up on Discord. I get there and I take a look at the statue.

According to the princesses, his first time, he was laughing. When I saw him first, he was scared. Right now, he just looks confused and peeved.

“Heya man.” I obviously get no answer. “Yeah, sorry about that, I really only did that ‘cause I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. You understand, right?”

Still no response, I just get that frozen, annoyed face. “Yeah, yeah, I’m a party-pooper. Seriously though, I really would love to do that again, we just need to get the others to trust you. And that’s gonna take some work.”

I sit in silence for a bit, and Celestia walks up to me. “And what are you doing here?”

“Saying hello to Discord.”

“Well, forgive me for a bit of skepticism. When a guard reported he saw you coming this way, I assumed I had to fear the worst.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I feel bad for a guy who’s been turned to stone. I’ve got a few ponies with experience who say it’s absolutely dreadful.”

“Dreadful or no, he should be punished for his actions. I’m aware that we will attempt to reform him within the next month, and I hope you are right that he can be trusted.”

“Well, trustworthy or not, I can’t imagine how it would feel to be stuck standing in a garden, unmoving, unable to see or speak at all for a thousand years. I mean, just a hundred would be extreme torture in my opinion. Petrifaction is not something to joke about.”

Celestia just looks up at Discord’s statue, her face a mask as usual. We stand in silence for nearly a minute, before she turns back to me. “We all have our sins to bear, Anthony. Do not assume I made the decision to return him to stone lightly.” She sighed. “We knew each other well, before he ruled this world, and before my sister and I first turned him to stone.” She said nothing more.

“Yeah, yeah, I remember. You told me all about him years ago when I first got here.” I think for a moment, sighing. “I just don’t really think of him as a bad person... or whatever he is. I don’t like curses like this. The way I see it, nobody deserves it. If what they’ve done is truly, truly unforgivable, I’d say just kill them. But in the case of Discord... I don’t think he really knew how much danger he was causing.”

I recall his comment when I confronted him at the top of Town Hall. “In fact, I know he didn’t. He just needs a lesson in the mortality of others. I don’t think he really wants to do any real damage to anyone.”

I feel Celestia’s wings enfold me in a hug, and I start for a moment at the contact. She’s extremely warm, and really fluffy. She whispers in my ear. “I can only hope, Anthony, that you can return my friend’s mind to him.”

“Oh, returning a lost mind is very difficult, I’d even say impossible. What needs to happen is that he must be taught a lesson in control, that’s all.”

Celestia sighs, and lets me go. “I do believe that Cadence and the others are waiting for you. I hope your trip is pleasant.” Her gentle, smiling mask is back in place, a lone tear running down her cheek.

Through the Lookinglass Gate

I bid Celestia farewell and  go over to meet the rest of my group. Shining Armor is saying goodbye to his wife and sister. I go over to Twilight. “Did he tell you about the time I beat him in a one-on-one match?” I smirk, folding my arms.

Twilight laughs, and shakes her head. “He’s only really a good barrier mage, he’s not too good if you can get around him. I used to have so much fun once I learned to teleport.” She chuckles.

I look over, and see Shining get glomped by his wife and given a large amount of Public Affection, to a point that the guards and I are looking pretty much anywhere but at the two of them. Man that is quite the kiss. I think my cheeks are on fire from looking at it.

“So, are we going, or do I need to get a crowbar?”

Cadence finally lets Shining go, and he falls bonelessly to the floor, a look of utter, happy stupefaction on his face. It also looks like he’s barely breathing, and Cadence sure looks winded. She smiles and looks around. “Alright, yeah, I’m ready to go!” She giggles and bounces into the room containing the Wunderland Lookinglass Gate. I’m expecting, from the measurements given in the textbook Twilight was quoting about them, that the Gate would only be about four feet tall.

A sheet of shimmering, rippling quicksilver is attached to the far wall of the room, surrounded by a frame of simple copper, the frame shrouded in verdigris. As I step in, a sheathed blade is slapped to my chest, and I grab it on reflex. I look down, and see a handle of steel, inset with ivory whorls, swirls, and filigree shapes of varying kinds. The sheath is barely as long as my forearm, but looks to be about the right size to strap to my leg. Some kind of short machete?

“Uh, this is a... soup spoon?” I have no idea, so I figure I should give a weird one.

The guard who gave it to me, built like a house and covered in muscles and scars, glares at me. “It’s a Vorpal Blade. That’s an eighty-thousand bit investment, so don’t lose it. Also, don’t draw it unless you’re attackin’ something, or it’ll go after you.”

“Fine, fine. So I take it you’ll be joining us with the rest of the redshirts?”

“Redshirts? I’m an armorer. Now git, you’re stalling the line.” I turn, and see that the guards behind me are patiently waiting for me to move.

“Oh very well then. Alright everybody, walk this way!” I say, taking large, over dramatized steps, and moving my arms about. I turn back to them as I keep going. “Get it, because I said walk this way, as in walk like thi-” Suddenly I’m through the portal.

A feeling like falling, but up and sideways at once, with a strange feeling like being on a  corkscrew rollercoaster, but in reverse, fills me. Stretching and pulling sensations seem to grab my limbs, threatening to tear my arms out of their sockets.

All at once, I’m not falling, turning, or anything, merely standing in a large clearing in a fairly normal-looking jungle, a wooden palisade surrounding ti and buildings set up in all directions.

I feel the overwhelming urge to grab the nearest person and yell about how awesome that ride was. It just so happened that the nearest to me was Twilight.

After my outburst, she looks a little rattled, but rallies pretty easily. As she recovers, I see that she’s in a full suit of nearly-modern looking combat armor, complete with a salad-bowl shaped helmet over her head, her cutie-mark painted onto the side of the uniform and on her helmet.

“Man, what a rush. I think I almost threw up! Oh man I hope that happens on the way back, too!”

Twilight shakes her head. “Well, maybe if y-” She’s cut off by Pinkie flying out of the portal behind us at a fair clip, shouting ‘Whee!’ and slamming into me and Twilight.

I look up at her, and see she’s nestled quite snugly over me and Twilight, and is hugging us both while we’re here.

“See, that’s the kind of thing I’d expect from most people after a ride like that! Where’s Cadence?”

“She’s getting her body armor on! Isn’t this stuff awesomazing?” Pinkie hops intot he air, landing in a heroic pose more suited to Dash, in order to show off the armor. She’s got saddlebags on each side, her body has contoured armor plates covering vitals. The least protective armor piece is the helmet, which looks like someone painted a salad bowl in matte camo, put her cutie-mark on it, and slapped it on her head, much like Twilight’s. Pinkie’s flanks had her cutie-marks painted on as well.

“Yeah, I suppose. That might even stop a bullet for you. Looks pretty good.”

Pinkie pronks in a circle as Twilight sits back up, rubbing her head for a moment. Then, she notices her helmet fell off. Pinkie is currently juggling it, her own helmet, and a few others.

“Heh, yeah Pinkie totally comes from Wunderland...”

“Ooh! I wonder if mister Tuffles is still around! He’s such a good bird.” Pinkie smiles wistfully, then looks thunderstruck. “Omigosh, I gotta go say hi to my Granny Pie! Anthony, you wanna come with?” I’m about to say yes as Cadence comes through the portal, stumbling and walking sideways for a second. Her eyes spin in their sockets, but her armor is easily a decade or six better than Twilight’s and Pinkie’s, and has her cutie-mark on the chestplate. She’s also got holes for her wings, and I can see metal covers on the front of the leading primaries, covered in the swirling designs that adorn my own Vorpal Blade. Her wings flutter to balance herself.

“Well I guess we should wait for the guards... nah. You two just tell them where we went. Come on Pinkie, lead the way!”

Pinkie giggles, and begins to pronk along. In spite of the slow, bouncy movement, she seems to cover more than twice the distance she travels. She’s heading towards one of the wooden buildings in the established camp. Somehow, she’s going at least twice as fast as me.

“You think you’re fast?” I Spark up and rush forward, coming up next to her, Or, at least, I try. Moments later, I find myself at the Lookinglass Gate instead, the complete opposite direction of Pinkie. What the- ? Oh, right. Wunderland, the biggest middle finger to physics in history. I turn back to where I wanted to go, and I follow the same path, this time walking at a normal pace.

In refreshingly little time, I’m in front of a small, wooden cabin near the palisade, next to Pinkie. She smiles broadly, and knocks on the door three times.

“Who’s there?” a voice says from within the cabin.

“It’s-a me! Pinkie!” She flounces the word. I’m not sure how, but it happens.

“I ask again, who goes there?” the voice calls out.

I’m feeling a little funny in the head, and I give a reply. “It’s the Spanish Inquisition, you probably weren’t expecting us!”

Pinkie turns to me, and I can feel the confused look from whoever the voice belonged to.

“Wh- what? That’s not how it goes!” the voice called, sounding both confused and angry.

“Sorry, didn’t know if you even knew the joke in the first place. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! There, better?”

Several moments of silence pass. “I live in Wunderland, and I can tell you, objectively, that makes no sense, whatsoever.” The door suddenly frowns at me, and I have to quash a sudden urge to flee.

“Well pardon me, it’s not my fault I’m the only one who gets my jokes.”

The door rolls its knot-eyes at me. “Sure, that’s what all the failed comedians say.” Pinkie face-hoofs beside me.

“Yeah, yeah. So do we need to say ‘open sesame’ or what?”

The door harrumphs. “Fine, no sense of tradition I see. Your grandmother will be most disappointed, Pinkamena.” The door swings open.

“I don’t even know most of the traditions around here outside of Wunderland. Wait, Pinkamena? That’s what Pinkie is short for?” I give Pinkie an odd look. “What kinda name is that?”

“Idunno, but everypony in my family has a long first name, a short middle name, and ‘Pie’ for their last name!” Pinkie smiles up at me, and begins to bounce into the small, one-story cabin.

I just follow her in, not really knowing what to expect.

It’s a cozy, nice place. The whole place has a rustic, simple charm to it, and feels very lived-in. There’s a fireplace, unlit, and a few shelves with books on them. A grandfather clock stands against one wall, a slightly shorter one next to it, and more than a dozen egg timers all over the floor and desk nearby.

Pinkie is standing near the middle of the room, where another pony stands, looking about the same age as Pinkie. Except, that’s where the normality ends.

The pony hugging Pinkie has her mane tied back, and it’s zig-zagged in blue and green, and a black-and-white checkerboard pattern covers the front half of her coat. Her hindquarters are a riot of colors and shapes, angles and curves making a tough-to-look-at ‘pattern’ of indescribable complexity.

“Granny Pie, I presume?” I say, announcing myself, trying to step over and around the various eggtimers. The mare looks young but, hey, Wunderland. My guess was as good as any, I figured.

The mare chuckles. “Why yes, I am! Most folks guess me to be crosswise older than I seem, and even my cranky grump of a cat thinks I should look older. Contrariwise, I’m no older than I don’t look, but only if you’re looking for how old I’m not.”

I’m starting to get into the hang of the whole Wunderland deal, even if it makes the scientist part of my brain want to feed my legs into a woodchipper along with a bag of salt. “So Pinkie mentions you, but doesn’t say much. How’s about I get to know you?”

Granny Pie smiles widely and puts a hoof to her chest. “Why, young mister, I do believe we’ve only met! Maybe we should leave that off ‘til the second or third date.” She winks and grins at me.

“Hah, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not gonna try anything. This man right here is reserved for humanoids only.”

Granny Pie takes two steps towards me, somewhere in that time becoming a fully-fleshed woman, clad in a simple set of clothing matching her previous colors. Her hair is still zig-zagged in blue and green. “Now now, don’t be giving me challenges if you don’t really wanna participate.” She smiles wider, reaching out to boop me on the nose.

“Yep, you’re definitely related to Pinkie, even if she doesn’t make as many dirty jokes.” I boop her back. She scoffs. “But honestly, nah, not that interested.”

“hmph, well, I take offense to your calling my jokes ‘dirty’, I keep them washed often and well, and soap behind their ears. I could do no less, after all, they serve me quite well. I am a queen, you know.”

“Well, I apologize for my slang, your highness.” I give a little bow, barely missing stepping on a timer. “Is there a particular purpose for all of these?”

“They, like my dearest Pinkie here,” Granny Pie begins, shifting back to a pony in the moment I wasn’t paying attention, “Are visiting their grandparents.” She gestures at the two grandf- oh. I should’ve seen that coming...

“I see, well I apologize if I crashed this little family reunion.” At this point, I’ve just given up questioning things. Who cares, anyway?

Granny Pie grabs me in a bear hug. Well, grabs me in a hug, as an extremely flamboyantly furred bear. “Not at all! And you’re just in time for tea! I have presents for you both, you know. Did you know, Pinkamena’s grandfather was a hat-maker? Oh, that’s what first brought me to him, you know.” She set me down in a chair, a feeling of being railroaded pervading my mind.

“Of course, I stayed because he was a unicorn, and chained me to a wall with words.” she sighed theatrically and wistfully. “It’s wonderful, to be understood.”

“I agree completely. Though when others don’t understand, it just makes it more fun to confuse them. I wonder if Twilight and Cadence will be joining us.”

“I doubt they wouldn’t not choose to stay away or come. There’s no reason to avoid coming to someplace you haven’t been if you’re already there.” I have the sneaking suspicion she’s going in circles on purpose now.

“Anyhow, I heard you had gifts for us. Are we allowed to guess what they might be?”

“Oh, of course! But be sure not to guess wrong, that’d be most tragic. After all, this is a true banquet! And we’ll have to eat our words later.” Granny Pie shuffled into what I assume is the kitchen humming some tune under her breath.

Pinkie turns her head, grinning wider than I’ve ever seen her grin before. “Oh, wow, isn’t my Granny Pie great?” She looks at me, eyes bright and twinkling.

“She’s fantastic! In multiple meanings of the word.” I ruffle Pinkie’s mane and follow Granny Pie, again avoiding the egg timers. I think for a moment. Would she mean we eat the literal words we spoke, or does she mean we will eat whatever we say? Or both? Hmmm...

I step into the kitchen and see that there’s only half of many of the appliances. Sitting on what I think is a wood stove, made of wood, is a cat, silver in color with pale green pinstripes running along its body. It’s completely asleep, but grinning to itself.

I decide to choose a word of a dessert that tastes good, but the letters aren’t too blocky. Suddenly, a dessert I haven’t had in ages pops into my head and I guess it before I can think not to, my memory of it so delicious.

“Is my gift tiramisu?”

Granny Pie turns her owl head over her shoulder, grasping a set of utensils in her wings. “No, but that’s a good guess, if guesses could make their own decisions. I suppose morality doesn’t have much to do with guesses, but it could if he put mind to it.” Wait, is morality the word, or a person? Hell, I’m just gonna say it’s both.

“So, Pinkie, you wanna guess what your gift is?” I call out to the main room.

“I hope it’s something I want, but don’t have!” she calls back. I can’t help but chuckle.

Granny Pie turns around, seamlessly shifting back into a human again, carrying a bowl full of red-orange goop. “Now that is a good idea. I suppose I should put it in for later.” she remarks, opening up the half-an-oven and putting the dish in it, opening a valve from the wooden wood stove to the oven. “Now, if you don’t mind, let’s go back to the main room. I believe your friends have wandered over here.” Granny Pie shifts again, this time into a massive cat of some kind, still striped and zig-zagged, and patterned however.

I do as I’m asked and head back to the main room, sitting down next to Pinkie.

She leans towards me, being as warm and snuggly as ever. Granny Pie smiles at the action, laughing quietly. “Well, I do wish that was a thing that hadn’t already not happened. There’s too little of too much of what you two almost had to not do. Hmm, that was a weird way to say things!” I couldn’t agree more.

Granny Pie tilts her head, looking at the clocks. “Ah, perfect! Right on time they failed to be! Almost an hour past the minute, in fact.” At exactly that moment, I hear a knocking on the door.

“Who is it?” Granny Pie asks, grinning widely, as the cat from the kitchen walks into the room, sniffing at Pinkie.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle!”

Granny Pie nods. “I ask again, who goes there?” She winks at me.

“I am Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight’s sounding a bit upset.

“Once more I ask, who knocks?”

“I am Twilight Sparkle, damnit!” Granny Pie pauses for a moment.

“Now just a minute, I thought you said you were just Twilight Sparkle?”

“I am!”

“That’s entirely up for debate.”

I hold back my laughter, Pinkie and Granny Pie doing the same as I hear Twilight growling and snarling outside in frustration. I can also hear Cadence laughing, through the door. Before Twilight can do anything more, the door swings open, and I can see her scowling face sweep the room. She growls again before entering.

I walk over and, holding back a laugh, I greet her. “Twilight! What a surprise!”

She gives me a look that, if looks could kill, would have vaporized me and the surrounding landscape. She glances around, before her eyes settle on Granny Pie, currently a pony again, though this time looking like a pegasus.

Twilight’s eyes go wide, and she clings to me. “Aaah! Anthony, that’s a Boojum!”

Chapter 75

I wake up and I see I’m still in the chair, though my current surroundings aren’t granted to be the same as when I fell asleep, this being Wunderland, so once I rub the sleep from my eyes I take a look around and I see that the room is... gone. In fact, I’m rather alone now, sitting in a very comfy chair in the midst of a jungle with bright, cheerfully colored plants.

I don’t trust any of them.

A tall, tall tree with blue bark and blue vines is the most vivid piece of color, but there’s a small bed of flowers nearby, all of them a tall as my waist. There’s all sorts of bushes, plants, and other things leaving me with no obvious way out of the clearing.

I don’t really have much to do. I’m lost and I don’t want to just wander off. Who knows what will happen? So I call out for Pinkie, Twilight and Cadence, hoping they are somewhere nearby.

A gentle chirping, something moving in the jungle, and various animal noises are all that answers me.

A quiet tittering sound, almost exactly what I’d imagine fancy noble-ladies ‘politely’ laughing at someone would sound like, comes from the clearing.

Not really knowing what to expect, I just decide to check it out. After a few moments of walking, I realize the sound isn’t changing in volume. Then I realize it’s the flowers around me. Sure, laughing flowers, because why the fuck not?

“What’s so funny?”

The ‘polite’ tittering only gets more prevalent, and I look at the bed of waist-high flowers. It looks like they’re all looking inwards, towards... something, I’m not sure. I try to crane my neck to see what they’re ‘looking’ at.

Leaning over the flowers causes them to notice me, gasping and leaning away from me as I loom over them. In their midst is... Twilight. She’s about an inch and a half tall, and has a couple of bleeding cuts on her. She also looks terrified.

Very very carefully I pick her up. I’m not sure how the shrinking affected her hearing, so I decide I’d whisper. Geez, she is really tiny! “Twilight, what happened? Well, aside from the obvious answer ‘you shrunk’ that is.”

She moves her mouth, and gesticulates wildly, but I can’t hear a thing from her, even though she’s no more than four inches in front of me.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you. You are really tiny.” I whisper. I need to think of something. “Geez, I still wish I could shrink. Uh... here.” I try to hold her up to my ear, this is certainly becoming an interesting adventure.

As clear as if she was normal sized, I hear her talk into my ear, and I can feel her teeny hooves on my ear. “Why are you whispering, Anthony? I can hear you just fine! Also, we need to get away from those flowers, they attacked me! They said I was a rat...” She sounds really put out.

I stop whispering. “Well, pardon me, sorry for not knowing if the possibility of my voice at it’s normal volume could have shattered your now tiny eardrums. Guess I shouldn’t be so considerate in the future.” I snark as I wade my way through the flowers.

I can almost hear Twilight rolling her eyes. “Oh come on, Anthony, you can’t get ear damage from loud noises. That’s just ridiculous!”

I hold her up to my face, looking into her teeny little eyes. “Wanna prove that? I’m willing to bet at this point, me clapping or just yelling would hurt your ears. Again, it happens to humans.”

Twilight gives me a micro-sized look of incredulity. “Well, then maybe humans are more fragile than ponies! Because pegasi regularly deal with sonic booms and thunderclaps, and those would be louder, mathematically, than you clapping right now would be.”

“Yeah, you think our mortality rate would be so high if we were all super tough? We die from some really stupid things. We aren’t that amazing.”

“Well, then, take my word for it - the only thing that causes damage to eardrums is physical violence. It’s not like sound is a physical force or anything, it’s magical!”

I decide to explain the vibration of air molecules for later, instead I take another approach. “And we all know that magic can’t possibly be dangerous.”

“Only battlemagic and wild magic are dangerous, unless seriously mishandled!” Heh, her voice is so whispery like this.

“So anyway, we should probably find a way to get you back to normal, or heal your wounds. Not sure which is more pressing, honestly.”

I feel something tap me on the leg, gently. I look down and see that one of the flowers is trying to get my attention. It appears to be a poppy, and is only as tall as my knee. “Uhm, mister, why are you talking to a rat?” it asks.

“Because you never know what you could learn from a rat. I’m sure that they might have interesting things to talk about.” I completely avoid mentioning the fact that Twilight isn’t a rat, and this visibly annoys her.

The little flower looks thoughtful, but the larger ones titter again.

“So, why were you attacking her?”

The other flowers gasp, sounding offended. “We were just defending our roots! Everyone knows rats will hurt some poor flower if they get the chance.” I notice that most of the flowers are tall, dense roses, covered in very long thorns. That explains Twilight’s injuries...

“So I assume you have nothing to do with her size? She’s supposed to be much bigger.” I give Twilight a sideways glance. “Though not by too much.”

The flowers titter again, something that is starting to get very annoying. “Well, she was here, and that size when she showed up here. If she gets any fatter though, you’ll want to get a new rat.” The rose, with its face-shaped arrangement of petals, put its ‘nose’ in the air.

“Yeah, doesn’t get much exercise, this one, that happens when you spend all day reading.” I’m having a ton of fun at Twilight’s expense. “Anyway, you nice flowers wouldn’t happen to know how we could fix this, would you?”

The flowers all tittered again. The little poppy spoke up, however. “You could go see the caterpillar.” The other flowers immediately hushed the little one. Ah herbivores. Suddenly a lot more violent when the plants talk.

“Well, do you know where I could find the caterpillar?”

The flowers all shot angry-looking glares at the poppy. The largest rosebush, near the edge of the flower bed, harumphed. “If you want to go see that slovenly, gluttonous borrre, then simply follow the widderrrshins path until the forrrk in the road. Perrrhaps you could bathe your rrrat while you’re at it, the little vermin smells of fleas.” She was trying really hard to make her R-rolling to sound regal.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t doubt it, fur and all. Anyhow, I’m not terribly familiar with the area. If you could point me in the right direction, my rat and I will be on our way.”

The large rosebush pointed imperiously with a thorny, yet graceful leaf, by and large very different than the roses I’ve seen before... ever. Either way, the path was very clearly visible, now that it had been pointed out.

“It’s rrright beforrre the Chessboarrrd.” she snaps, before rotating in place, and sniffing imperiously. The rest of the flowers do the same, minus the nice little poppy.

“Okay, thank you. I will be on my way then.” I start walking but then a thought occurs to me. I need somewhere safe to put Twilight, so I drop her into my chest pocket earning a tiny “Hey!” before I couldn’t hear anything else from her.

I look down to make sure she’s physically alright, and see that she’s popped her little head out of the top of my pocket, using her forehooves to grip the edge of the pocket. I repress a chuckle that likely would’ve rattled her brains.

“So, you don’t remember anything? Well, what do you remember?” I ask as I walk along the path that the rose indicated.

“Well, we went to sleep last night, and then I woke up, really tiny! I had to run away from a cat with purple and blue stripes on it, and then I wandered into the flowerbed. They asked me what kind of flower I was! I’m not a flower, and I told them so. Then, they thought I was a rat! Really, a rat? Hmmph, I’m more in the shape and size for something like a mouse, not a rat!” Twilight kept talking, ranting about how unfair the comparison was, and that she’d been called fat as if it was an insult, something I was a little interested in. After all, I can’t tell what’s supposed to be ‘attractive’ as far as mares go, so I don’t know if slim or thick is more preferred. Other than that, there’s not much more to her speech than indignity.

“Cat with purple stripes, huh? Well, I suppose that could be a Cheshire Cat, though they do have a tendency to alter their shape and color. Anyhow, you say you were tiny before you met him, or you woke up tiny and it was there already?”

The tiny Twilight nodded her head. “I was tiny when I woke up. The cat was a little ways away from me.”

“Well, it seems you’ve been pranked by a Cheshire Cat. Welcome to Wunderland, where science is useless and pretty much everything wants to screw with you or kill you.”

Twilight scrunched down a little in my pocket.

“What’s wrong, Twi? Earlier, you were ecstatic about getting to come here. You didn’t read all those books and think ‘that won’t happen to me’ did you?”

Twilight shook her head. “My magic isn’t working. I didn’t know my magic wouldn’t work.”

“Well, since Wunderland is such a weird, reality-bending place, I expected magic to not work. Seriously, why would you think anything would act normal here?”

Twilight looked back up at me, her tiny head against my chest. “But the books never said anything about magic not working! There’s plenty of unicorns who’ve come through and it worked just fine for them!”

“Twilight, this is Wunderland! You want some advice? Fine, here it is. Fuck logic! There. That’s it. Just forget logic exists. Nothing here follows the rules for each other. What makes you think outsiders would be treated any different?”

“But- but the books-” Twilight looks utterly betrayed.

“Books aren’t perfect. One pers- pony’s experience may be different from another’s. That works octo-quintuple for Wunderland.”

I can barely hear Twilight sniffle. “But the books never lied before...”

“There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there. Let this be a lesson: not everything that get’s written and published is absolute fact. Authors and scholars get stuff wrong. Don’t act like you’ve never screwed up.” I pause. “And if you do, I can offer a few examples.”

Twilight just slid into my pocket, hiding from the world. I sigh. She is far too trusting of those books. I mean, I love books too, granted not to the same extent. But I still don’t believe everything.

“Books shouldn’t be used for absolute facts, merely guidelines. There’s always going to be times where something happens and something you read doesn’t apply. Just because someone says something and it gets into a book doesn’t mean it should be followed blindly. Too much trust ends up with you shrunk and attacked by flowers.”

There’s no response from my pocket. I look up and I notice the fork in the road. I think about how I’d go about contacting the caterpillar. Where would I find him?

While I’m thinking, I notice a puff of silver fur in the edge of my vision, and I look up to see that there’s a large, happy-looking cat with royal purple and silver stripes in its coat. The cat is smiling at me. Wait, not stripes, it’s a spiral of silver and purple staring at its nose and whirling back towards the tip of its tail.

“Ah, hello there. I suppose you have some trick or such planned for me to use for your amusement?”

The cat rolls over on the branches, exposing tis belly. “Now why, my dear, would I ever do that?” The cat’s voice is feminine, like a mother’s. “Not all of us are tricksters and cheats. That’s stereotyping. Also, that’s a stereo, typing.” The cat pointed towards the side of the road, where a small stereo sat, happily hammering away on a typewriter. It had tiny metal fists and was literally punching the keys.

“Indeed it is. As for my assumption, it was merely based on the fact that if I had similar abilities, that’s exactly what I would do all day. Anyhow, I’m looking for a caterpillar, and was told to look around here.”

“A caterpillar? Why he’s a good friend of mine! I’ve known him almost an hour.” the cat rolls over again, and the silver parts of her fur begin to vanish, spiraling up her tail towards her head. The purple stripe collapse into a pile of ribbons. The smile and eyes float towards me. “So, whatcha need the caterpillar for?”

“My friend here has run into a bit of trouble. I was told the caterpillar could help her.” I pull Twilight out of my pocket and hold her up. “She’s supposed to be bigger.”

Twilight glares up at me. The cat face drifts closer, and Twilight sees it. She begins screaming, though this doesn’t deter the cat. Probably because I’m holding her rather closer to me, and I can barely hear the shrieking.

“Well, now, a tiny pony! Well, I suppose that’s a bit of an oddity, but perhaps it’s not her who shrunk? Maybe it’s you who’s bigger!” The cat remarks, looking at me again.

“Well, that is certainly possible, but if I had grown, I should be able to return myself to normal size, and it seems I can’t get any smaller than I already am. Would the caterpillar be able to help us out?”

The cat face spins in midair, the stripes reforming behind it. “Well, I suppose he could, but only if you can cross the board. After all, he eats with the Hatter family on oddly-numbered days of the minute.” The cat looks thoughtful for a moment. “Though I suppose that’s most days now, as they usually aren’t numbered by weeks. Either way, though, you’ll need to take the place of a piece... hmm, I do believe Poppy isn’t going to make it to the board, seeing as how she’s been uprooted. You could be a pawn, in her stead!” The cat grins even wider, smile no longer even pretending to be bound by the cat’s face.

“Alright, works for me. What do you think Twilight? Up for a game of chess?”

The diminutive unicorn gives a sullen nod of her head.

“Alright, where’s the board?” I ask, turning back to the cat.

The cat is gone, only a broken signpost at the fork in the road. The sign points down one path, and is labeled ‘The Chessboard’, while the other is missing most of itself, and what is visible is a thick block of text I can’t read.

“Alright, let’s go play some chess. Come on Twi, cheer up.” I begin walking my way down the path, placing the puny purple pony into my pocket.

I walk along the road, until I find myself unable to continue. I’m not sure why, but I don’t feel like doing anything for a few moments. I look around. I’m in a square-ish patch of dirt and grass, the grass a brittle yellow-brown and the dirt dry. Next to me, I see a tall, slender person in a fine suit step past me, heading off in one direction. I didn’t get a good look at him, but he seemed friendly, waving goodbye at me as he passed.

Anyhow, I get a better look around me. Maybe get an explanation for my sudden apathy for advancement. I look around, and decide not to wait any longer. I’m about to step onto the lusher, darker grass ahead, when I note that there’s a deep puddle in the middle of it. I sigh, and hop over it. Jumping in puddles is fun, but I don’t have replacement shoes. There’s a small stand of trees right ahead of me.

I can feel my eyebrow raise, practically of their own accord. Is the chessboard really short? As I think about that, a stocky, solid sort of creature ambles up, laying down only a couple of feet away. It’s huge, with a white, shaggy pelt. There’s a ghostly gray pattern of a checkerboard design along most of its back, ending at about the tops of its thighs/shoulders, and it’s moving like a large dog. It’s face, though, gets me. It’s like a dog’s face, but has a set of black, shiny teeth protruding from its face in place of a muzzle. I can hear Twilight’s gasp of surprise clearly.

“That’s a Bandersnatch!” she says, sounding awed. “Why is it just laying there?”

“Because it’s waiting for it’s instruction. It’s playing chess just like we are. I’m a pawn, remember?”

Twilight nods as the realization hits her. The Bandersnatch looks up at me. “So... You the new pawn?” Huh, didn’t know that Bandersnatches could talk. Bandersnatches? Bandersnatchi? Nah, probably just ‘es’.

“Yes I am. I’m filling in for Poppy today.”

The Bandersnatch humphs. “Too bad. I hoped you’d be the enemy.” The large beast lays down facing the other direction.

“Well, we’ll just have to see how this plays out.” I sit and wait, looking in the same direction, waiting for when I am to be moved. Playing a pawn may not be fancy, but at least it’s simple. I decide to talk with Twilight while I wait. “So, how are you liking Wunderland?”

Twilight just retreats back into my pocket, prompting a flare of frustration from me. “Hiding in there isn’t going to make things better. And neither is pouting. Seriously. Also, if you don’t stop freaking out at everything you’ll have a heart attack before the day is over.”

When no response comes to me, I sigh again. She’s just not listening, it seems. I look over at the woods, and realize that the sun, while a crisp, golden-green disc in the sky, is nice to have out, I’m beginning to bake over here. Maybe I can just walk over to the woods and rest in the shade until I’m ready to move? Well... maybe I shouldn’t. I am supposed to wait for an order. I can’t just move anywhere I want... eh screw it, I’m hot. I walk over to the trees.

I lean against a tree, the bark refreshingly cool. My eyes snap open as a call of “Have at you!” meets my ears, and I see a pony, a lance sprouting from its shoulder, charging at me.

Hah, it’s a knight... Oh shit! It’s a knight! I knew I shouldn’t have moved. I expect impact, and I reflexively Spark up and go intangible. After a few moments of nothing, I realize I’m unharmed. The knight stopped on a space nearby... Phew.

I look over, and see the the knight in more details. He’s a blood-red stallion, with a helmet over his eyes that completely obscures both the upper half of his face, but also his eyes. I can see the jaw, shaped almost exactly like Big Mac’s, though.

The lance seems to be growing from his shoulder like a narwhal tusk, and points forward with a wicked point. Considering it’s pointed right at me, I get a good look at the tiny, cruel barbs in the end of the lance, and the part of the lance meant to break. This isn’t a tournament prop like a real lance, this thing is meant to hurt.

While I can’t see under the helmet, I get the feeling the knight is glaring at me. Fortunately, I know the rules. I’m going to be perfectly fine. With the knight directly in front of me, his L-shaped path could never possibly land on me. He’s intimidating, but harmless.

A roar shakes both our concentrations, and I look back to see the Bandersnatch charge the knight, catching him full on from the side. The huge quadruped takes down the Knight, and I catch my first glimpse under the knight’s helmet as the Bandersnatch tears its flat, cutting teeth into the pony’s neck. Only a glance, but it’s a pair of terrified, pale yellow eyes. Then, the Bandersnatch hunches over its meal.

I feel the urge to make sure Twilight isn’t looking. Such an intellectual boardgame turned into ‘Survival of the Fittest’ might just be the last straw and make her snap. Thankfully, she’s still in my pocket and hiding.

I feel the need to move on, and realize it’s probably the game urging me to make my move.

Chapter 76

Turning away from the grisly sight, I step into the woods. All at once, I feel like a pressure has disappeared from my shoulders, as if I’d been carrying a weight. I look down, and see I’m almost halfway over another space, it looks like, but I get no feeling telling me to stop.

I figure I should turn back, but that’s not allowed for pawns. I move forward until I’m on the next space ahead as I can make it out and just sit still, waiting... now I think I finally understand why the other kids in Junior High said chess is boring.

Something begins moving in the woods from behind me, and I turn to look over my shoulder. A creature, vaguely bipedal, is stepping forward at a diagonal. It’s sort of shaped like a human, but after being stretched to almost comical proportions. Its ‘torso’ is a triangle, leading to a rectangular set of hips hidden in a long robe.

What really got me was that the creature appeared to be totally flat, its thin, paper-like fingers clutching an axe. It was almost like a woodsman’s axe, but sized for the ten, or twelve-foot tall monster. Whatever it was, I’d never heard of anything like it, nor the huge, upside-down black heart symbol on its chest. The symbol pulsed an ugly blue-black. Whatever this is, however, it has stopped a little behind my square, and to one side. I can only hope it’s not going to come after me.

Wait... if this is another piece, then if I move a space forward, I’m safe as long as this isn’t a knight... and I don’t think that would fit too well. I don’t really feel the ‘urge’ to move forward, so I just do so myself, trying to make sure I’m just moving one space.

The weird, card-thin creature turned slowly to watch me, and... wait, card thin? Is it like the card soldiers from the disney version? Does that even work here? I mean it is Wunderland, but this place is definitely a lot more brutal than the ‘G’ rated flick Disney made for the children... strange.

The creature, watching me with its flat, featureless face, turned a ninety-degree angle to its original path, and started off, brushing past me in the process. It was... chilling. Like what I’d expect having a ghost or something pass by would be like. Either way, it disappeared into the foliage. Whatever it was, it was playing as either a bishop or a queen... Wonder what else is ‘playing’ in this game.

After waiting a little longer, I take a move, still not feeling the urge to do so or not. Maybe the ‘player’ can’t reach me in here? That makes little sense, but it is Wunderland...

As I step onto the new square, I hear sniffling. It seems to be coming from ahead of me, and slightly to the right. Dafuq? Who’d be crying during a game of chess? I think about walking over but then something hits me. If I’m a pawn and I move diagonally, that’s an offensive strike. I’d have to kill whatever I ran into. Hmmm, this is a bit of a dilemma. Would I kill someone just to settle my curiosity?

Well, maybe if I don’t step all the way onto the space it might work. Carefully I stretch my leg so it’s still just barely on the corner of my square and try to find out what the sniffling is coming from.

I peek around a tree, leaning on it so as not to lose my balance and tumble into the space. In a small clearing is a young mare, as red as the knight from before. She’s much smaller than the stallion was, and the helmet on her head has twin streams of tears pouring from it. A lance is growing from her shoulder, meaning she’s a knight, I think, but it looks like it’s growing in, and it does not look in any way pleasant.

“Uh... hello?” I begin cautiously. For some reason, my brain makes a comparison to the Witch from L4D... Come on, she doesn’t look that scary...

The mare startles, looking in every direction, the bulky, eye-covering helmet making the motions comical. “Wh- who’s there?”

“Me, I’m right here. What ya crying about?”

The mare looks vaguely in my direction. “It- it hurts. A lot.” She gesture towards her shoulder with a wince.

“Well, why did you start playing then? This isn’t exactly a friendly game.”

“Because I’m a knight!” she stomps her hoof on the ground, then recoils with pain, rubbing at the base of the lance, which is already longer than before.

“So... why don’t you quit being a knight?”

“Quit being a-? What? How does that make any sense?”

“Well, just don’t play, or be a different piece like a bishop or a rook.”

“Only pawns can change.” The mare said, stubbornly shaking her head. She is, at this point, looking about a foot to my left. “Knights charge, Bishops stalk, and Rooks-”

“Ambush?” I suggest. They are definitely great at leading others into traps.

“Wh- no! They defend! And Jacks prowl, and Knaves betray. It’s what they do, what they’re born to do.” The mare takes a breath. “How can you not know that?”

“Jacks? Knaves? Sorry, I’m not from around here. My way of playing chess doesn’t have those. Also, just to clarify, if I stepped onto your space, would I have to kill you? My leg is cramping.”

The knight’s expression turns to one of horror. “W-wait, what side are you on?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I’m just a pawn. I do what I’m told.”

The knight begins scrambling to the edge of her squarish clearing, looking terrified. “Please! This is my first round, I don’t want to die already! Not to a pawn!”

“Well, thanks a lot. Pawns can be pretty important, you know.”

The mare shakes her head. “That’s not what the queen says.”

“Well then, your queen is really shitty at Chess.”

The knight gasps, then her face hardens. “How dare you insult the queen? You’ll die for that!” The mare stands up, angling her lance, which is now long enough to project far ahead of her muzzle, directly at my heart. How can she see now?

Oh well. A challenge has been issued, and I’m no chicken. I step the rest of the way into her square. “You want it that way? Fine. I’m gonna show you what pawns can really do!” I Spark up and enter my Dynamo form. I could use fire, but I might burn down the forest. I grin, my body radiating electricity in crackling sparks. “Bring it on, then!”

The mare charges at me, and I’m able to slap away the lance with pitiful ease. Almost like I’ve hit her with a truck, the mare flies across the clearing with a crackle and a thump, body slamming into a tree and sliding down. The mare doesn’t move, and I realize that I’d just done that with an annoyed slap.

I grin. “Hell yeah! Pawns, bitch!” I yell, raising a middle finger to what I suppose is the now-dead mare’s side of the board. “Don’t fuck with the little guy!” I hear a tiny, whispery groan, and look down, seeing that my chest pocket has a scorch mark in the middle of it. I’d totally forgotten Twilight!

“Oops. Uh, you okay in there, Twi?” A frazzled, blackened mane sticks out of my pocket, followed by Twilight’s blackened face. She coughs, and a nearly-microscopic smoke ring blows from her mouth.

“Heh, sorry. Guess I should tone it down a bit, huh? Well, think of this as firsthand experience with electricity being dangerous.”

“Owww....” Twilight sinks back into my pocket, and I chuckle.

“Alright! Two knights down. What next? If the game has just started and that knight hadn’t moved much, I must be close to the other side. Which means if I finish getting there... I can get an upgrade. “As long as I’m not walking right into a rook that is...”

I begin to walk forward, and leave the forest with an abruptness I’m sure isn’t natural. Or very natural, for Wunderland. What I see ahead makes me stop and stare in surprise and wonder. While previously, this place hasn’t made much effort to be all that physics-bending, the landscape ahead changed that perception.

Hexagonal spaces stretched into the distance twisting into strange shapes, such as curving into perfectly vertical walls of spaces, complete with various pieces visible and clashing violently upon them. Hills and hummocks dotted the landscape, and some of the hexagonal spaces were raised, with no relation to the spaces nearby.

Nearby, I can see a pair of the tall, card-like pieces swinging at each other. One has a woodsman’s axe, and I recognize the black form as the one from before, and the other is a red-and-white card, bearing a scepter and looking far less ominous. The one with the scepter is cut in half, and flutters to the ground.

The tall, black card-soldier turns towards me for a moment, and I realize that, here in the hexagons, every direction is both straight... and diagonal. The creature is also, somehow, on a straight-line path from me.

“Oh, that’s the way it’s gonna be then? Alright.” I hop to a space ahead of me, moving out of his line of movement. “I’m no noob, even if you toss new rules in.”

The card-thing turns away and walks off. “What’s your plan now, huh?” I look around, searching for other pieces that he might be making way for, or another piece I hadn’t noticed I might be trapped by.

Instead, it seemed that next to the woods is a relatively safe place right now, and I get ready to take a tentative step forward, keeping an eye out. A piece, looking like a pony with the traditional ‘rook’ top jutting from its head, moves across my plane of motion, the seemingly diagonal movement messing with my perception of the game, if only for a moment. The pony-rook picks up speed as it moves, then smashes into a card-thing that had its back turned, trampling and tearing the card person.

“Huh, not the worst thing I’ve seen, but still pretty harsh. Note to self: Rooks are really nasty.” I move another space forward, attempting to fulfill every pawn’s goal of reaching the other side and getting a kickass upgrade.

After a few spaces of walking, I come across another piece, this one uninjured, and I am surprised. In the midst of this battleground, there’s a red knight, a cheshire cat, and tall, thin creature with bird-like features sitting round a table centered between their spaces. They’re eating pastries, judging by the smell.

I figure “Why not?” and walk over to the table. “Heya, what’s up?”

All three of them look upwards. The knight shrugs. “Idunno.” The knight looks like the spitting image of the first one I saw. The cat responds with “A few birds, some clouds, the sun, and, right now, a white knight.” As he/she said this, a white knight, lance broken, flew over the small picnic, and smashed into the ground several spaces away. The bird-thing said nothing.

“I see. Well, do you have room for a fourth? I haven’t eaten all day, and though I’m not hungry, some pastries sound nice.”

The knight mushes a pastry. “Doesn’t sound so nice to me. And of course you’ve not eaten all the day! It’d be night if you did, and I’m the only knight around here.”

Wunderland... I love you! This place is just awesome. “Well, nevertheless, may I join you?”

“Perhaps for more.” The cat replied.

“More of what? Pastries?”

“You said never the less, so I’m only obliging. How are things for you? I hope they’re behaving.”

Ha! Oh man this place is great. “Yes, they are. Though this game is tiring me out a bit. I’m not even sure whose side I’m on. I suppose I’m on my side. Well, no, I suppose I’m not. I’m sitting.”

The cat looks at me. “And what kind of nonsense are you spewing? Try to speak more sensibly, boy.”

I smile. “I’m just a bit new to this place. I’ve only just arrived yesterday.”

“Well, you’ve still quite some time to go, then.” the cat replies, before yawning. “You should probably be off, if you want to get to the end. Both princes have been taken from the field, so at least you wouldn’t have any competition.”

“Very well. I’ll be on my way then. I’ve not played a game of chess where one can simply take a rest to chat. It was rather enjoyable.”

The cat rolled over into the butter dish, and fell asleep. The knight, at least, tipped his helmet towards me. The bird thing didn’t say anything.

I continue on my way. I’m not sure what they meant by princes, but it seems that I would have an easy time if they’ve been taken. Now I don’t have to worry about something I don’t understand. Shrugging and continuing on, I climb a small pillar of a tile, and note that the spaces are getting smaller as I go. As I slide down the slope on the other side of the pillar, I wonder if I’m still in a game of chess. Not really important at this point though. I’m sure there’s something at the other end of this board. At last, I reach a point where I’m stepping on six or seven tiles at a time. Suddenly, a pair of alicorns, one a bloody red, the other pristine white, zoom up next to me, each bearing a golden crown.

“May I help you?” I ask. They probably want to kill me, but as far as I’m aware, it’s my turn to move. Plus, you can never be too sure

“Yes, you can join me!” the red alicorn said. before I can respond, the white alicorn speaks up. “No, you should join me. I’m not a bitter old hag like my sister.”

The red alicorn looks upset. “We’re twins!”

“Well I hardly see why I should make a choice based on being told what to do. What would I gain from joining either of you?”

The red alicorn puffs her chest up, and sticks her muzzle regally into the air. “I can give you what you want!”

The white alicorn snorts. “I will give you what you need!”

The red alicorn takes offense, snorting and stalking towards the white one. “You and I both know that’s jabber-dookey!”

“Honestly I can’t think of anything I want or need. I’d have to say that while those offers seem nice, they don’t carry much weight at the moment.”

Both alicorns look at me, looking stunned. “B- but you have to choose!” one says.

“Yes! choose a new position!” the other chimes in

“A new side!”

“Choose a piece to be!”

They begin circling me. “Perhaps to be a prince, moving swiftly anywhere on the Board!”

“Or a jack, able to take two pieces in a row.”

“Or maybe just a knight, who can move in that strange half-a-T-shape they do.”

“It’s an L shape.” I say. “And honestly I don’t see too much need to change. I like myself the way I am. As well, I am quite swift and strong as it stands.”

The alicorns look at each other, then back at me. “B-but you’re the knave! You’re the only piece that has to get to the back row!”

“And I have, I suppose. That’s why I’m given this offer? Well if that is the case, then I suppose now that I’ve fulfilled my goal, why change anything?”

They look at me, piteously. “Just choose one of us? The game isn’t over until you choose.”

“Well, then what happens if I don’t make a choice?”

Both alicorns turn hard-eyed, and then step menacingly towards me. “Then you’re just a pawn, and on neither of our sides. And it’s our turn.”

“Well, if you are on opposing sides, then which one of you would move first?”

The two alicorns stop for a moment, then look thoughtful. Neither of them answer for several minutes of thinking. Rules. I can use them to my advantage, fucked up or not. Actually, I prefer them weird. It adds many interesting circumstances.

“So, you say you could give me what I want or need. In the event I did choose a side, what would I be getting?”

The white alicorn smiled. “I’d give you a way across the Board, and directions to wherever you want to go!”

The red alicorn smiles as well, an eerie twin of her sister’s expression. “I can give you a way to undo any one curse, and a treasure from your homeworld.”

“And what treasure would that be? I can’t imagine anything from my world that you could have.”

The red alicorn’s smile grows wider. “Now now, that’s a surprise. A gift in nice, but a surprise is much better, am I right?”

“A punch to the face is also surprising, if it’s unexpected. Surprises aren’t always nice. So if I’m not sure what I’d be getting from you, but I know what I’m getting from your sister, wouldn’t it make sense to choose her?”

“If the caterpillar could help you, then yes.” I stop for a moment. I hadn’t mentioned the caterpillar. Had she been keeping an eye on me before I got onto the Board? It’s certainly possible.

“Well, I’m going to assume that the caterpillar can help me. Also, even if he can’t, I get free pass across the board. Unless the treasure is very very special, your sister seems to be offering the better deal.” I say, gesturing to the white alicorn.

The red alicorn rolls her eyes. “Please, you could simply choose to be a prince piece and have unlimited movement in any direction anyways.” The white alicorn shouts ‘hey!’ and looks betrayed, before the red sister continues. “And the treasure is literally irreplaceable.”

“Well, that does sound interesting.” I turn to the white alicorn. “Do you have anything else to barter or add to your offer?”

“I have tea?” She smiles hopefully at me.

“Is it good?”

She looks at her hooves. “If you like your tea bland...”

“Well then I have one more question.” I pause for dramatic effect. “What do either of you gain from being chosen?”

The white sister looks at me. “Well, whoever the Knave chooses gets to be the winner, and hosts the dinner. Why, we’d get to have salad, and maybe even some unflavored water for desert!” She looks so happy at the thought.

“Huh. You’re putting a lot of weight on this just for hosting dinner. Hmmm... I suppose I should make my choice, now. I’ll go with...”

Chapter 77

I lift my hand up and point at the Red alicorn. “You. Now gimme my treasure.” I pause. “Oh, and cure Twilight.” I pull her out of my shirt pocket holding her up in front of the alicorn. “She’s supposed to be bigger.”

“Ah that’s easy enough.” The crimson sister said, ignoring that her sibling was making giant pouty faces at her. “We can fix this at the feast! You will also be presented your treasure there, and you may stay at my palace tonight!” The red alicorn has the most terrifyingly triumphant face I’ve ever seen.

“Alright, so make me a prince and we’ll get this game over with.”

“Poof, you’re a prince, now follow me to the palace. The soldiers can finish killing each other, or whatever they do in their free time.” The red alicorn turns, and takes a step, seeming to vanish into the distance. The weird thing, though, is that I can see exactly where she’s gone, and simply step next to each other, the entirety of the world around me simply changing to the front hall of an immense and beautiful castle.

“Neat trick. So, when do we eat?” What can I say? I’m a greedy bastard.

The alicorn stamps her hooves, and innumerable servants of varying appearances, mostly ponies, sweep in and set up a feast. It takes about a minute, and the table is now set, immense, and laden with food. As well, there’s nearly a dozen various creatures around the table, some of them looking rather confused at the transition. In particular, I see the card-like creature from before sitting at the table, lower body literally folded to be able to sit at the table.

The red alicorn, now wearing an even larger crown than before, is seated at the end of the long table next to me. She indicates an open seat next to her. “Please, sit!”

I oblige, sitting down in the chair, then I remember something. “Oh yeah, can you fix Twilight after we’re finished?” I set down Tiny-Twi on the table. A bowl of cookies is slid over to her.

“How will this help?”

“Here.” I place a cookie down in front of her. “You are so small, this cookie is almost as big as a train wheel. This means that it will last for a loooooong time.” I say grinning. “Get the picture?”

“Oh, alright...” she takes a bite. “wooaaah!”

Twilight enlarges, becoming about as tall as me in a span of about a second, and topples off the table. A bout of tittering circulates around the table.

“Okay... uh, maybe not that big...” Suddenly I get an idea. I hop on Twilight’s back. “Now you can carry me around for the next half of the day!”

Twilight acts like she’s on fire, and rolls on the ground, mooshing me flat into the stone for a moment. It hurts, but not too much. As Twilight, now a half-head taller than me, begins reaching for food, I realize that she’s trying to lift things with magic, but can’t.

“Really, Twi? Give it up. Your magic doesn’t work here. Just adapt!”

“At least until I get your magic back to you. That is the curse you wanted lifted, right?” the red sister asks.

“No, the curse was her abnormal size. Leave her without her magic for a while.” I figure this would be a great time to demonstrate just how inconvenient it is to not have magic. “After all, I’m sure she can manage. She’s not completely helpless.”

Twilight glares at me, and misses what she was aiming for as a result. Her hoof smashes a pie into pulp, spraying it across the table. The chuckles and tittering of the various others around the table intensify.

“So yeah, just fix her size and that should be good for now.”

The red sister rolls her eyes. “Fine, with my power as the Crimson Queen of the Board, I hereby grant your wish of curse removal, however trivial the curse to be removed may be.” She swishes her horn, and it glows a violent, angry red, enveloping Twilight. For a moment, I’m worried, but Twilight then snaps back to her normal size, falling the three-ish feet to land in a heap on the floor. Once again, I hear the other people and ponies at the table laughing at Twilight’s predicament.

“So, I guess we eat now.” I really want to see Twilight manage without her magic. I know I’m kinda being a dick, but seriously. This mare uses magic for everything. It’s so convenient it’s annoying.

The red queen answers me by bringing a pie of some kind closer to herself, and passing one to me. Then, she face-plants in it.

Oh yeah, Wunderland. Heh, guess Twilight won’t have any problem at all. I grab my own pie and do the same. Somehow, it just makes the pie taste a thousand times better.

taking a moment to take stock of what exactly I’m eating, it tastes like a perfectly normal chicken pot pie. I look over at Twilight in time to see her tentatively press her muzzle to the pie and try to take a relatively dainty bite. After a few moments of looking frustrated, I see her glare at the pie, then simply grab the pie tin with her hooves and begin devouring the contents. I’ve never seen any pony eat with such gusto or lack of manners, and I’ve watched Pinkie go after the local equivalent of marshmallow peeps. When Fluttershy isn’t around, of course.

I continue eating, grabbing whatever is nearby in my hands and just shove it into my face. If Rarity saw this, she’d probably hide in the closet until it was time to leave. I am an absolute mess and getting messier. Life is good.

After dinner is beginning to wind down, I look over at the red queen. She smiles beatifically at me. “Now, for your treasure!” she belches loudly. “Knights, bring in the prince’s new treasure. Be careful, I don’t know how fragile it is.”

“Alright, sounds interesting. Let’s see what you got.” Six knights, still in their helmets, but with no lances, marched into the room. On their backs is a massive, ornamental-looking cage, and inside...

For a moment, I’m confused, because it looks like a bronze woman is kneeling in the middle of the cage, but it doesn’t move. After a few seconds of watching, I realize it’s a statue, made of bronze. Who the hell makes a statue of a woman in a cage, made of bronze? I take a closer look and notice some very non-human features. The statue is certainly humanoid, but has a bit of an avian feel to it.

Then, I see that the statues arms are completely replaced with wings, each feather formed from a single, detailed sheet of bronze, looking almost realistic, but not quite. Another thing is that the legs of the statue are bird-like, but also still humanoid to the knees.

“Huh, well. This is certainly interesting, but it’s not from my world, I assure you that.” What human would think of making a bronze harpy and sticking it in a cage?

I see the statue twitch slightly. The red queen smiles at me, in a way that almost feels predatory. “Are you sure?” Every set of eyes in the room is locked on me. A moment later, I realize this includes the eyes of the harpy statue, which are now open and decidedly alive.

“Uh... hello?” I say to the harpy. I wouldn’t be totally surprised if it was real, the problem is that they think it came from my world. No way, especially if it’s alive.

The harpy blinked slowly at me. From behind me, I hear the red queen speak again. “I told it to stay silent and still, but now that it’s yours, you can give it different commands. It did take a while to get it into that position, though, so please consider the artistic side of things.”

“Alright how’s this?” I turn to the harpy. “Are you sentient? Can you think for yourself without being ordered?”

The harpy’s expression turned a touch angry, and she glared at me. I saw a faint gleam of red flash across the bronze. It took me a moment, but I recognized the type of sheen effect. It was the same as when I’d seen Ren order a changeling to stay in place, and the changeling had to.

“You know, you’re allowed to speak. First off, the cage looks nice and all, but that pose seems rather uncomfortable.” I look around the cage for a door.

Seeing one, I reach towards it. As I move, I realize a couple of things. One, the harpy still hasn’t moved, and two, that the cage isn’t locked.

I just open the door. “Come on out. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

With a sound like an entire stack of metal being knocked over, the harpy slumps onto her side, then begins to crawl towards me across the bottom of the large cage. Something’s not right... how long was she holding that pose?

“So... uh... I give you permission to speak... and stuff.” I think for a moment. “What are you... no, wait. Who are you?”

The harpy looks up at me, and I can see the fatigue in her eyes, and she answers in a croaky, scratchy voice, “I’m Anne.” Then she faceplants, one wing-arm stretched towards me, splaying a single wing out, each bronze primary feather almost three or four feet long. I realize that she isn’t clothed, and that the bronze coloration is fading from much of her body, only staying in the feathers for the most part.

“Jeezus, girl. What the hell happened to you? You look awful! Are you alright?”

There’s no answer from the harpy girl, just a barely noticeable rise of her back as she lays, face-down, on the floor of the cage, nearly at the door.

I turn to the red alicorn. “So what happened? Why’d you do this to her?”

The crimson pony laughed imperiously. It wasn’t a nice laugh. “She tried to bargain, to bet for safe passage through the Board. A game of poker later, and I owned her.” The alicorn sighed. “It’s too bad you had her relax, she’d held that pose for almost two weeks. Such a shame to see art go to waste like that.”

“Living creatures aren’t supposed to be treated like inanimate objects. I don’t care what crazy rules you have in place, I consider that a real mean thing to do.”

The queen scoffed. “Next you’ll be telling me I shouldn’t have had the card soldiers stack themselves in my favor.”

I can feel myself get rather angry. “You shouldn’t have. That’s cheating...”

The queen looks down her muzzle at me. “It’s not cheating if you don’t get caught... and I’m the only one who can do any ‘catching’ around here.”

“Well, then queeny, I’d say you should fix your attitude or you’ll be catching a fist with your face.”

The queen rolls her eyes. “Hmmph. If you don’t like your gift, you can just say so.”

“You really are stupid, aren’t you? This girl is a living being, not some object to be owned! You scammed her out of her freedom and you treat her like she’s just a piece of pretty metal. No, I’m keeping her, just to make sure she doesn’t stay with a bitch like you.” At this point, I am Sparked up and about to enter my Heat form.

I see twilight shake her head ‘no’ at me from the corner of my vision. I realize that if I started fighting, she’d be totally helpless. Damnit.

“Fine, I’ll let you go, but if you try something like this again, I’ll have your head on a spike!” I say through gritted teeth. “Am I clear? Nobody should be treated like a piece of property.”

The alicorn waves a hoof dismissively, and it’s hard to hold back. Even with potentially toasting Twilight if I cut loose.

“Well, I was also promised a stay here, and I guess I’ll take you up on that... but Anne stays with me... and so does Twilight. You try anything funny and you will not live to regret it.”

The red queen brightens up almost immediately, and waves for the knights to escort the three of us. “Perfectly fine. Now sleep well, my prince.” The red queen yawns and begins wandering in another direction as I’m ushered out of the room at lance-point. Thankfully, one of the knights has Anne draped over its back, and is carrying her for me.

A little bit later, we’re in a bedroom that is, in all honestly, rather too large for all three of us. Twilight is too tired to do much, and curls up on the sole couch of the room. As I consider where I should have Anne set down, I realize that the floor is very soft, and there’s plenty of carpet for me to sleep on. She’ll probably be better if she gets the bed.

I move to pick her up. Avian physiology would indicate that she’s light, but who knows if it works for harpies the same way? I lift her up, expecting at least a hundred pounds, but she’s pretty darn light. I could throw her from one end of the room to the other! Anyway, I set her down on the bed and move to the carpet. I bet she’ll feel much better in the morning.

The next morning, we’re brought a jug of water and some various fruits and vegetable btis. As well, three pairs of buttered toast slices sit on the tray. I decide I would let Anne rest and she can wake up on her own. I look over to Twilight on the couch. She’s still asleep, laying half in a beam of sun, so her belly is getting warmed up, but her face isn’t.

I go up to her and rub her tummy. I have a feeling she will find it more annoying than I would, but that’s why it’s entertaining. In her sleep, she smiles, and one of her back legs start kicking. I smile, but stop when she mutters something that sounded like ‘ooh, keep going...’ in her sleep. Note to self, never ever ask Twilight what she dreams about...

I begin eating, giving each of the fruits a cautionary test, but they all seem fine. Then I try the toast. When I grab a piece, I feel it shudder slightly. The hell? I pick it up, making sure I’m not going nuts.

Another piece of toast comes up with it, and I see that they’re conjoined by what looks like a bread-roll, but with antennae. The entire thing shivers slightly, and I realize that it’s looking at me. I recall that these made an appearance in Through the Looking Glass, and that they are ‘bread-and-butterflies’. They’re also alive...

“Fuck it, I’m hungry.” I take a big bite out of one of the ‘wings’. Yep, tastes like buttered toast. Pretty high-grade stuff, too. Eventually I finish it. I imagined my first raw, living-meal to be a bit more bloody, but, hey... Wunderland.

I look around the room again. Didn’t really get more than a glance last night. Then I notice that the bed is empty.

Chapter 78

I stand up, and look around the room. Anne had to be somewhere. If that queen took her back and locked her up, I’m not gonna pull any punches. Angry I search the room for her, not finding any sign of the harpy. Assured that wherever she is, I can’t see her, I decide to call out for her.

“Anne! You still here!?” I don’t hear anything from the room. I don’t see her at all. I might have woken Twilight, but right now, I consider a possible kidnapping to be more pressing.

“Hello!? If you’re here, show yourself!”

I look around the room, and I finally look back at the bed in despair. Right at Anne, who is holding the blanket to her face, the fabric held in a crease of her wing-arms.

“Anne! What happened? I thought you got taken back to that cage. Where were you?”

“I- I was right here!” She hides a little more under the blanket. What?

“But I checked the bed before... I swear I didn’t see you! But you’re alright, aren’t you?”

“W- well, yeah. I j-just woke up, and th-then you walked over here, a-a-and then you looked around. I told you I was right here, but you didn’t listen.”

“I didn’t hear anything, though. That was... strange. Any idea why it happened?”

The harpy shook her head, still doing a Fluttershy impression with the blanket.

“Well, you’re okay now, and that’s what’s important.” I give her a hug, expecting her feathers to be kinda scratchy from the bronze. Actually, they were just as soft as bird or pegasus wings... strange. I pull back, and see that she’s blushing furiously. Then I realize she’s wearing absolutely nothing under the blanket...

“Yeah so, good you’re safe. Let’s uh, find you some clothes. Not that you’re uh, ugly or anything just... uh...” This got awkward fast.

She hides even further under the blanket, and I realize that her blush is turning bronze, little traces of the metallic sheen spreading along her veins and arteries in reaction to her embarrassment.

“Uh yeah. I don’t know where we could get you anything. I’ll uh, just be over there, looking away...” I go over to the breakfast table and turn a chair so it’s facing the wall. “Good uh, luck and all that.”

“Th-thanks...”

After a moment, I see Twilight, her mane a mess, come over and sit at the table next to me. She looks like she’s still about ninety-percent asleep.

“Hey. Sorry if I woke you, but something weird happened. Anyway, aside from that, how’d you sleep?”

Twilight turns her head slowly towards me, her eyes bloodshot. “Coffee.”

“Sorry, I don’t drink the stuff. Uh...” I check the table and there is a metal container for liquid. It feels warm. “I guess this is coffee...” I hand it to Twilight, only to remember she doesn’t have magic. I pour a cup of the stuff, using a mug that looked suspiciously like it was made for magicless-unicorns to deal with. Then, I slide it to Twilight, who takes a sip. Almost immediately, she screams, spitting out the liquid. It splashes on the table and she coughs and sputters.

“I take it that wasn’t coffee...” I grin apologetically. “Guess you’re gonna have to deal without it.”

Twilight whimpers, holding her mouth. I take the pot and give it a cursory sniff. I don’t know what it smells like, as I have never smelled it before... but it was not coffee. In fact, something in my head told me that whatever that smell was, it came from something that should not be ingested... what the fuck, Wunderland?

A knock comes at the door, and I turn, mostly on instinct. The door hasn’t been opened yet.

“Uh, who is it?”

“Broom service.” Wait, did I hear that wrong? Or is that on purpose?

I shrug. “Come in.”

The door opens, and a broom with two wooden arms sidles into the room. I half expect it to be followed by a large mouse with a pointy blue hat, but even for Wunderland, that would be just silly.

The broom curtsies, though I’m not entirely sure of the how, and asks, “How has your breakfast been, sir prince?”

“Well, the bread-and-butterflies are fine, though I have a suspicion that our coffee wasn’t made using ground coffea beans.”

“Of course not! Coffee is the liquid gold, and so it is. Made from the finest gold from the Queen’s own gardens, it is.” The broom straightens slightly with pride. Twilight whimpers again.

“Uh... huh.” Twilight just drank gold? What the heck would that even taste like. I take a look at Twilight and I realize the answer is a plain and simple ‘I don’t wanna know’.

The broom offers another tidbit unasked. “Our cash crops are the finest all around. Silver, gold, and even shiny brass grows from them!” The broom seems to be doing a bit of a dance, until I realize that it’s sweeping as it speaks. I get it, broom service, as in sweeping... clever.

“Well, do you have any roasted coffea beans? Or at least some cocoa?”

The broom stops, then shudders. “How disgustingly uncouth! For a prince, you have very poor taste in drink.” The broom scoots out of the room before I can do anything. Sighing, I turn to look at Twilight, and realize I can’t see Anne on the bed anymore. Or again, whichever word works better.

I just assume she’s still there. “Sorry Twilight. Unless you suddenly gain a taste for liquid gold, you aren’t gonna get anything here...” I pat her on the back. I know how hard it can be for caffeine dependants to go without coffee. The purple pony nodded tearfully, leaning towards me for a hug.

“But hey, caffeine can be addictive, think of this as a way to prove you aren’t an addict.” Twilight gives me a dirty look and retracts the hug-offering gesture.

“Sorry the idea of proving you don’t need to go to a detox ward is a turn-off.”

Twilight grumbles and winces, and I have to suppress the urge to laugh and ruffle her mane. Even if she isn’t able to use her magic, those horns are kinda sharp.

“So Anne, I suppose you’re still there, but I can’t see you anymore. Again.”

I turn my head, and she’s on the bed again. She nods. “Why does that keep happening?” she asks. She’s also no longer bronze.

“Probably in your powerset. Anyone who comes to magical Ponyland, or somewhere connected to it, I suppose, ends up with weird powers, like this.” I Spark up as an example. “It’s confusing, but you get used to it with practice.”

“So... it wasn’t because I’m here? I’m just a bird person now?” She sounds close to tears, and I can see the sadness in her eyes.

“Technically the species is called a ‘Harpy’ or to some of us who are more inclined to video games, a ‘Rito’. Yep. welcome to the world of no longer being human.”

Anne sniffles, but nods. I wonder if I can get another... ‘broom service’ to come in here and bring us clothing.

“So yeah. Not being human is interesting I suppose. For the most part I can still be completely human, but who wants that?” I shrug, then grin. “Especially when I can do this.” I start generating electricity around a finger and give about 20 volts to Twilight’s forehead and I laugh as she jumps up involuntarily. “Ah, that never gets old!”

Twilight gives me a ‘kicked puppy’ look, and even her eyes go watery. I’m stunned, because she must be taking lessons from the CMC to be this effective.

“Sorry. You must be taking this whole ‘Wunderland’ thing kinda hard.” I pick her up and pet her mane down so it’s not so ragged. “I know the feel, of imagining somewhere would be awesome then finding out it’s like a living hell.”

Twilight nods, looking sad again, before she wanders over to Anne. The harpy girl shrinks away from Twilight, causing the pony to halt, and I can see a bit of her expression; Twilight looks confused, and Anne looks terrified again. I blink, and I can’t see Anne anywhere.

“Anne, you’re invisible again. Also, there’s no need to be afraid, Twilight’s a nice pony.” When the girl doesn’t reappear, I try to figure out what’s going on there. She said that she spoke, but I didn’t hear anything. I literally blinked, and she was gone. Even now, Twilight is looking around, trying to figure out where Anne went.

“Twilight, Anne is probably still on the bed, we just can’t see her. Or hear her as I recall. Hey, Anne, try wanting to be visible. That might work.” Nothing happens for a few moments, until I blink again. At that point, I can see her again, and she’s crying into the joints of her wings.

“What’s wrong? It seems you can control it now. Does it hurt or something?”

“N- no, I j- just can’t help b-but remember...” She looked up from behind her wings. “I- I’ve been here two m-months, I think.” I think about that, then remember the red Queen saying something about Anne holding the pose she’d had before for a week.

“Well you don’t have to worry. We’re gonna leave and you’re coming with us when we head back to Canterlot.”

Anne nods. “There w- won’t be so many ponies there, right?”

“Uh... in Equestria, pretty much everyone is a pony, but they’re nice. Trust me, they’d be more likely to run from you than attack.”

Anne doesn’t look much happier, but at least she’s not crying now. I wonder again about maybe getting some castle servant or another to make the clothing needed for Anne.

I get up from my seat and head for the door. “I’m gonna ask for some clothes for you, but don’t expect it to fit too well. There may not be much experience making clothes for people.” I pause. “And don’t worry, I have more than enough power to protect you, and I fully intend on doing so.” She starts to blush again as I walk over to the door and open it. Immediately, a broom falls over from where it had been leaning on the door.

“Ah, uh, I was, er, just sweeping the, uh...” I’ve never seen a broom act nevrously suspicious before, but it’s kinda entertaining.

“Doorknob?” I suggest sarcastically.

“Y-yes! the doorknob. It, uhm, needed... sweeping?” I can almost see a cheesy, nervous grin on the broom, in spite of its lack of a face of any kind.

“Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, I know what eavesdropping is, and I assume you are aware that Anne needs clothes. Just get them and nobody has to know.”

“B- but I wasn’t dropping eaves, mister prince! I just happened to overhear a few things.”

“Nevertheless, you know what we want, so get to it and there won’t be trouble.”

The broom swept off, literally, and I went back into the room sighing. Then, a peculiar ripple went through the room, and it was a smaller room, with literally no decoration at all. Anne was now on a plain bed, there was a single, much smaller table, and the overly-plush reading chair was now just a simple wooden one. Twilight and Anne both looked around in bewilderment as well.

“I have a feeling we just got demoted.” I say, looking around at the now  less-spectacular living space. A moment later, a knock came at the door again. I assume it’s the broom, so I walk over and open the door.

On the other side of the door is what appears to be a mannequin pony -a ponnequin?- holding a bundle of clothing and wearing a black suit, like a traditional-style butler’s. I just take the clothes and bring them over to Anne.

“I’ll just let you get dressed, then.” I turn away and wait for her to finish. I hear the sound of clothing being moved around, accompanied by a metallic clinking. After about a minute of this, I begin hearing frustrated grunts and growls. Concerned, I contemplate turning around, but before I can come to a decision Anne speaks up. “I need help, I don’t have hands.” Ohhhhh boy. Awkward levels just raised by twenty points.

I turn around and walk over to her. I do my best to look away as I try to figure out the garment she hands me. It looks like a meeting between a bedsheet and a traditional ‘little black dress’, but in blue, the same color as my jacket.

With a sigh, I try and figure out how to help this work. I’ve never understood dresses or anything, on top of never having helped anyone dress themselves. The whole thing seems to not be made for Anne, which doesn’t help any, but rather for something with different proportions, such as one of the card-soldiers. Another minute and I sigh in frustration. I look up to see Anne resting her head on her wing and looking bored, cutting the now-drab sheet on the bed between two of her feathers, like a giant set of scissors.

Wait.

How sharp are her feathers? I swear they were soft when I was hugging her. I look around my arms for lacerations, but I’m not bleeding or even scratched. Guess it’s a self-induced metallic state, but her feathers are still just as thin, making them sharp. I think about the idea of being able to throw razor-sharp metal feathers, and I imagine Dyna Blade... I highly doubt Anne can breath pink fireballs though...

An idea does occur to me, however, to maybe try cutting some of the dress to make it fit a bit better. Considering that the tightness of the dress after about the hips is going to make it so she can’t walk, and there’s no way her huge wings are going to fit through those itty-bitty arm-holes...

“Hey, Anne-ward Scissor-hands, try turning this into a tank-top and we’ll try again from there.”

Anne looks at me with confusion, before looking down at where she’d been cutting the bed. Realization dawns, and it’s only a few seconds before she has a very pretty sky-blue tank-top.

Then a new problem arises.

The dress is quite obviously meant for someone quite possibly literally flat-chested. Anne, however, is quite a bit... not. How she’d been keeping them concealed under the blankets earlier and how I hadn’t noticed last night -other than being exhausted and more worried than curious- are mysteries that will likely never be solved.

“Okay, first thing we do when we get to Ponyville is get you a visit with Rarity.”

Anne, looking embarrassed still, nods her head. Twilight catches my attention. “Well, if I had my magic back, I could at least stretch the fabric for a while, to let Anne get the chance to find something better. Also, what in Celestia’s name happened here? That can’t have been an illusion, there’s no way it was a transfiguration...” Twilight keeps listing off possibilities, then dismissing them, and I sort of tune her out, as it’s obvious she’s mostly talking to herself. Also, maybe getting her magic back to her would’ve been useful, but I still want her to learn what it’s like not to have such an amazing convenience. It’s really just a way to teach her what human life can be like.

“Well, let’s just say she just is like this. Unless you have some explanation for why I’m a baby star now. That seems like the most drastic change in my opinion. Becoming a stellar being isn’t exactly a three-step program from what I hear.”

Twilight glances up. “What? No, I’m talking about the room! Did you not see how it shifted? I took some time to pace in parts of the room that don’t exist anymore! Even for magic, that’s impossible, it’d break Starswirl’s third-”

“Wun-der-land. Has it occurred to you at all that crazy, impossible stuff happens here? Need I remind you that earlier, you almost drank non-molten liquid gold? I repeat myself from earlier. Fuck logic.”

Twilight looks disappointed. “But it can’t just not make sense. It can’t...” She sounds more like she’s trying to convince herself of this. Maybe bringing her along on this trip was a bad idea, this place doesn’t seem even half as nice as the series of cautionary tales given in the pre-trip rundown make it seem.

“That’s the problem with too much science and not enough fiction in your reading list. You just need to accept that sometimes, things happen that don’t make any sense. Just adapt already!”

Twilight’s ears go flat on her head, and she ducks a little. As she takes a step back, I realize that I’ve sparked up, and have little flames dancing on my hands. Wow, I must’ve gotten angrier than I thought. I take a deep breath and power down.

“But seriously. The reason you don’t see me freaking out is because I don’t try to make sense of it. It’s not supposed to make sense to us, just to them. Like how different cultures have certain traditions that seem pointless. This is just on a much bigger scale.”

Twilight nods. “I- I’m sorry. It just- it’s hard. I can explain later, but this is... very hard.” I can tell there’s more to this, and she said she’ll explain, so I figure I should drop the subject, at least until I can figure out what’s going on with the castle and Anne has clothing... that might take longer. Hmmm...

“Hey Anne, you can turn invisible, so why don’t you just do that until we can get some more suitable clothes? I honestly don’t have any better ideas.”

Anne nods. “I- I’ll put on the top for now, though; it still gets cold, even through the metal-skin thing.” She gestures at me to give her help putting on the shirt, and we both blush and try not to think too hard on it. It’s just me being nice, after all.

Now that she’s covered, if not concealed in the slightest, we get ready to leave.

Chapter 79

I figured our next goal should be to find Pinkie and Cadence. With no word from them for so long, I’m getting worried. I figured I could at least ask the Red Queen about it. Who knows what information anyone has here in Wunderland? So Anne, Twi and I have left the strangely-altered room and I’m looking for another broom or something I can ask about the queen.

However, it looks like my room wasn’t the only thing changed. The hall is now plain, gray stone, very orderly but it doesn’t look very much like it’s been used in a while. It’s also a bit smaller, as I would no longer have much room if I wanted to grow. The plain, simple window at the end of the hall shows that the sun is up, but isn’t doing much beyond hovering right above the horizon.

Somewhat confused by the change, I continue the search. There’s no indication of anyone having been here, but if it was just a group hallucination, that wouldn’t explain Anne...

Anne, who is now rather distractingly in the edge of my vision doesn’t seem phased by the lack of... everything. I guess two months in Wunderland just kinda makes things like this seem normal.

Anne looks at me. “Can we go soon? I doubt it’ll be long before one of the... q- q- Queens gets the upper hand. Then this place’ll be theirs again.”

“Upper hand... Wait, this castle... it’s connected somehow to their chess playing?”

Anne looks at me. “Well... yeah. Whoever wins controls the castle, and is the Queen of the board until the next game. They usually play three or four games a day, and only things that aren’t from the castle itself stay. L-like my c-cage...”

“And by control... do you mean temporary ownership of the property, or actual omnipotent control?”

“As near as I can tell, as long as one of the Queens has won, they’re gods here. Or, rather, whichever one won, is.”

“So that’s why they wanted a winner chosen so badly. It’s a war, fighting for power, but the war is chess... with real players dying... jeez. Kinda glad I’m good at the game. Anyway, all we have to do now is just... leave the Board?”

Anne nods. “There’s a wall in the garden that the Queens won’t go through, I’m guessing it’s the edge of their territory. They used to have me play this weird version of golf with them, until the red one had me start posing as a statue instead.” Anne shudders again, pressing against me. She’s not even up to my shoulder, but it’s still nice.

Suddenly, a thought hits me, and a grin appears on my face unbidden. “Or... I could become a god... All I’d have to do is win a game of Chess and I’m the most powerful being around.”

Anne looks at me, and it takes me a moment to recognize the look on her face. While she had looked at Twilight with fear for resembling the queens, all I can see in her eyes now is resignation.

I start planning how to manage a coup against both Queens, when I hear Twilight. “But what about our friends, Anthony?”

“I’d have omni-power, apparently. I could get the entire service force of the castle to search for them, and they’d have to! I could even give you your magic back!”

“But you’d never leave.” Anne says. She’s looking down at the ground.

“What? Why not?”

“One... power corrupts, and you’d have absolute power.” I think that over for a moment, and Anne continues. “Two... those aren’t the original two Queens, and they didn’t look like that before.”

“Well, if the power is as limitless as you say, why not I use the power to change the rules? Why can’t I just say that once our friends are found,  no more matches can start, and once we are done here, I just ban any further chess games. I might lose my powers, but we’d have Pinkie, Cadence, and Twilight with her magic back.”

Anne shakes her head. “It doesn’t work like that. If you become a Queen... then you’re just a Queen. The mantles are in charge, not the pe- uh, ponies.”

“Wait... you imply that I’d turn into a pony? Again, why can’t I just use omni powers to alter the rules, make up my own? If I can’t, then that’s hardly an omni-power, which would mean the power isn’t infinite... What can’t the queens do if they win?”

“That’s not the problem though! The Queens don’t play the game!” Anne looks at me, her eyes frantic. “The game plays the pieces.”

It hits me. The Queens aren’t anything but puppets. It’s the Board itself playing the game. I ponder this for five minutes, shushing any interruptions. After a while, I finally decide there’s no way to take advantage of this new information. I give a resigned sigh.

“Fine, let’s just find Pinkie and Cadence... Where’s the exit again?”

Anne starts leading us, and we wander through some very simple, utilitarian halls until we reach the exit into the garden. As we do, a ripple passes through the castle once more, and everything goes white.

Not from a flash of light, or us being teleported though. Rather the walls, ceilings, and floors are pure white. Slabs of carefully interlocked marble made up the floor, and I can’t even begin to identify the walls. Everything is tall, slender, and graceful. It’s also terrifyingly pointy, everything coming to sharp tips jutting artistically in every direction. It’s like being in an inverted snowflake designed by either a sadist or a masochist, depending on if they planned on living here or not.

“Ooooookay. I think now would be a good time to implement the ‘touch nothing’ rule...”

Anne and Twilight nod, and I can see the metallic color begin to coat Anne again. However, I have no idea how sharp or strong any of this is. Guess that can be discovered later.

As we step towards the garden, we look out to see that it’s both beautiful... and horrible. Every single plant appears carefully trimmed of any sign of non-conforming foliage. Each tree is precisely the same as the ones nearby it, and the flowers are all facing in the same direction. It’s perfect. Way too perfect. Oh well, if more flowers attack, I can just burn them down. As long as we don’t wind up fighting the morbuzakh.

Anne waves us through the garden, but we run into a problem very quickly: every part of the garden is not only perfectly identical to the rest, but it’s also perfectly rigid. After pulling my foot off the knife-point blades of grass, we sit on the steps to let me recover and figure out how to proceed.

“Well, it’s not like we need to preserve this place, and it can just be fixed by the mantles or whatever after the next game.” I say, my hand lighting up, my inner pyromaniac coming to the surface and making me grin maniacally. I look at Twilight, praying for some form of agreement.

Twilight makes a ‘go ahead’ motion with her hoof towards the murderously beautiful greenery.

I then proceed to ignite my entire body, and run around touching whatever I can. After a few moments my sensibilities give up and I just start running around randomly, flailing my blazing arms in the air. The now-brittle grass and flowers crumble as I crash through them.

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BURN EVERYTHING!!! YEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! BURN EVERYTHI~ING!!!!”

After a while, I’ve extinguished myself, everything around me black and powdery. I fall over and start making ash-angels, still giggling like crazy. Oh gods this is awesome!

I look around, still slightly dazed, and realize that the garden reverted to its ‘neutral’ configuration while I had been burning it. A minor waste at worst, because that was fun.

I walk over to Twilight and Anne, my movements a little shaky. I was still coming down off my little euphoric experience. I give a rather slurred statement.

“Fire... issho byootifuuuuul. Heheh. Hahaha... haaaaaaa...” Twilight and Anne look up from the game of tic-tac-toe they’d been playing on the steps.

“Sorry, wasn’t paying attention. What did you say, Anthony?” Twilight asked, looking completely innocent.

“I like burning things....” I just say lamely, my sensibilities slowly coming back. I sit down and take a few deep breaths, though they were interlaced with weak chuckles.

After a little while to rest, we got ready to leave... right as the castle and garden rippled, and the White Garden returned.

“Burny time! Burny time again!!”

Twilight face-hoofed, as my once-more ignited body leaps into the foliage. God bless Burnination!

After torching the entire garden again, I had Twilight simply carry me to the place that Anne indicated, and roll me under the gap in the hedge, my hand holding her hoof so we don’t get separated.

After getting through, the three of us took stock of the place outside the Board. An expanse of forest, much less jungle-like than where Twilight and I came into Wunderland surrounded us. With a shrug, as none of us had been this way before, we began to venture into the woods.

Half an hour into the journey, I hear a stomach growl. I turn to see whose it was, and I hear another stomach growl. Anne and Twilight both look embarrassed and hold their stomachs. I’d totally forgotten they’d need to eat, too.

“At least one of us doesn’t need anything more than cosmic stardust farts or whatever I live off of.” I sigh. “Fine, I suppose I can find something to kill and cook... Twilight, you can just look for plants that seem edible.”

Looking around, I peek around a tree, and see a white rabbit in a suitcoat asleep against a tree, a pocketwatch closed on the ground next to it. Well, I suppose the white rabbit would have to make an appearance sooner or later. And I can roast this one, as the other white bunny I know of is currently under pegasus-protection. He’ll have to do.

I creep up behind the tree as quietly as I can and I start charging some electricity through my hands. Just one touch and the bastard is fricasseed.

The rabbit rolled over a little, one ear twitching each time my pent-up electrical charge sparked or jumped between fingers. I decide to just make a brief, lightspeed movement and get it over with but before I can, the watch begins ringing, startling both me and the rabbit alike. The rabbit jerks its head towards the watch, flipping it open and gasping.

“Oh no, oh my, I’m only barely on schedule! I must’ve missed my first alarm!” Goddamnit, there goes lunch. The rabbit bounces to his feet, and darts off, moving so fast there’s nothing but a puff of dust and some skittering leaves. Holy crap, I think the furry little bastard just went faster than I can, from a standing start, without any kind of sonic boom or anything.

“And I was so close to finally killing a Disney character...” I sigh in disappointment and walk back to Anne to give her the bad news.

The way I word it makes it sound more like I’d been stalking a normal rabbit, and that it got away through no fault of my own, but only because mentioning that I’d been outwitted by a pocketwatch seems a little too degrading. Even for me.

Still, Twilight shows that she’s found some perfectly cubed potatoes and some rectangular carrots. She assures me and Anne alike that they’re perfectly fine, and that the only reason Equestria doesn’t grow them, ever, is because only scholars like Cubed Roots for some reason. I wish I was joking about that.

Anyhow, I suggest we get some sort of container or something to hold water in. Anne can chop the veggies up and I can boil water to make stew. After I dictate my plan, I feel pretty smart.

“See Twilight, this is how people get around without magic. Fascinating, isn’t it.” Adaptability, bitches! Anne and Twilight look up at me, and my smile fades as I see them simply eating the carrots raw.

“Well, fine then. If you ever feel like having vegetable soup, don’t come crying to me.”

The two shrug and go back to eating, seeming to enjoy the food fine enough. Anne seems to be enjoying it more than Twilight. “It’s so good to eat again.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked her.

I shake my head. “Well, they treated her like an inanimate object. I’m willing to bet they didn’t feed her at all.” I pause. “When was the last time you ate, Anne?”

“I’ll... just put it this way: I’m very thankful you can only die from being taken as a piece or if the Queen wants you dead while on the Board.” Twilight and I both grimace at the implication. Anne shakes her head and says, “But I don’t think it was intentional. Any piece on the board doesn’t need food to keep going, so long as they play. And I don’t think any Queen has even thought of eating in a long time.”

“Strange. Anyway, we should probably get to looking for our friends. If we were them, and you woke up somewhere random, what would we do?”

Twilight puts her hoof to her chin and thinks, while Anne scooches closer to me. After a minute or two of thinking, Twilight speaks up. “Well, Cadence will probably try to find the portal camp. The Gate is open all the time from this side, so as long as she can find the way home, we can get home. I... don’t really know what Pinkie Pie is doing right now.”

“So we look for the portal. Easier said than done on our own... Our best bet is to look around and hope something sentient knows where it is and doesn’t want to mess with us.”

“Well, I suppose I can fit at least part of that description.” The voice comes from above and behind me, and I whirl around to see that there’s a Cheshire cat laying across a couple of tree branches. Or maybe it’s the same one as before. It has the same matronly voice.

“And exactly which part do you fit, then?” I inquire, preparing for some kind of prank.

“Well... I’m sapient, and sentient, I certainly know where the Lookinglass Gate is, but I really want to, as you say, ‘mess with you’.” The cat grins widely, though not as wide as I’ve seen it go before.

“And what would your plan entail... wait, dumb question. If you tell me, it won’t be as entertaining.” I still want to know what it plans to do, then I get an idea. “How about a deal?” I ask, grinning back at the cat on the tree.

“Hmm... not many people, ponies, or other things have offered me deals... other than the aislinn mice, but that’s another story entirely.” the cat put a paw to her chin, a perfect mimicry of Twilight’s pose not two minutes before. “I suppose I could be amenable to a deal, provided it’s a good one.”

“Well, it’s more of a game, really. You give us a riddle to what you’d do to us. If we can’t guess it, you get to have your fun. On the other hand, if we do guess, you have to show us where the Gate is. How’s that?” I am about to try matching wits with a Cheshire cat. My brain wants to slap me. But if I can win...

The cat grins wider, and her eyes flash, turning from silvery to a sky-blue that matches my jacket. “It’s a deal. Shake on it?” The cat holds out a paw and I grasp it with my hand and we shake.

“Now what’s the riddle?”

“Hmm... Ah! Here’s one you’d at least be able to understand:

You cannot reach me, yet are already here

I’ve burnt in fire beyond any other, yet that was my genesis

You cannot escape my grasp without my permission or anger

Philosophers cannot understand me, and scientists can only describe me.

What am I?”

I think hard, but I know I said ‘we’ so that means Twilight and Anne can help. Can’t escape its grasp, and philosophers not understanding, but scientists only describing... It sounds like Hell, the place... but we aren’t already there... I share this opinion with the girls.

Twilight shrugs. “I was thinking Equestria, but then the whole ‘can’t escape without my permission or anger’... Well, I guess we need to figure out things that scientists can only describe.” Anne nods in agreement.

“Wait, your scientists or mine? We have completely different technological backgrounds...” I turn to the cat. “Hey, when you say ‘scientists’ which ones are you talking about?”

“The ones with an ‘s’ in the title of their professions.” That was either really pointless, or incredibly helpful... I’m not sure. I keep thinking on it. It’s certainly strange enough for Wunderland to be the answer, but we have reached it. Wait.

“What if it’s not a place but an object or something?” I ask Twilight. “Can you think of anything that might fit that?”

Twilight thought again. Even Anne was trying to think, but it looked like she didn’t have all that much knowledge or a good mind for riddles. Hmmm... it was created by being burnt in fire, that’s hard. I try ruling that out and thinking of what could fit the other criteria. I thought it could be magic in general... but scientists can’t describe it... Damnit, I’m not going to let myself get stumped by a cat!

Anne looks up. “M- maybe it’s something spiritual?” Twilight and I look at her, and she ducks her head. I shake my head.

“Anne, that’s genius! Aside from the first one, ‘religion’ fits the description... maybe...” I stand up and turn to the cat. Bracing myself. “Is the answer heaven or religion?”

The cat stops grinning. “No.”

“Oh fuck.”

Chapter 80

The cat rolls her eyes and smirks. “Just because I’m nice, take another try.” I let out a breath. Wow that was almost bad.

“Okay... need some more ideas. But the spiritual idea isn’t bad, I just jumped to a conclusion...” I turn to Twilight “What do you know of spirituality?”

“Uhm, well, spirits are usually those who haven’t yet been able to pass on to any form of their afterlife, and need to accomplish something to do so. The requirement is based on who they were, and decides what type of spirit they are.” Twilight pauses for a moment. “But I don’t really know too much about them, the Royal Exorcist Paladins takes care of them when they pop up, so...”

“Huh. I guess I can ask more about that later. Sounds interesting. Uh... riddle, right.” I continue thinking. What was created in fire? Metal in a forge? Nah, we have that understood pretty well. It needs to be something that we can’t touch... Something that can’t be seen in the literal sense. I look at Twilight, her face still contorted in thought.

Can’t escape without my permission or anger... sounds like something that is a constant rule, like a universal law. That’s definitely something hard to understand and study. I share this opinion with Anne and Twilight. I’ve decided that I can keep deducing, but I’m not going to be the one to present the answer, lest I screw up again.

The two girls think about it. “I don’t know, Anthony, the universe wasn’t created in flames. And if it ever was that hot, there’d be nothing here at all.”

Universe created in flames! I get another idea, but quell the urge to jump up and shout it out.

“Twilight, have you heard of the Big Bang theory?”

“The what now?” Twilight looks confused, but it seems that Anne gets where I’m going with this. I continue pondering. Life was created by the big bang and it started everything, birthed by a huge explosion. The rules of life are definitely something that can’t be studied, but also something practically everyone theorizes about... but life, in a way, can be touched. I think about it. It’s that first line that just seems to throw a huge wrench in my thought process. You cannot reach me, yet are already here. Dang this is difficult. What could this cat do to us that would involve breaking or changing a universal law?

I once again parrot my thoughts to the girls. Twilight still seems a bit confused by the Big Bang already and it hasn’t even been described... But Anne seems to like it.

The harpy tries piecing it together. “I think... well, something you can’t escape, like life and all, is a big part, but... then we get to coming from fire. But fire’s not always just fire in the literal sense. What about a metaphorical fire, like a flame war in a forum? And well... life comes from conflicts, from change, like fire! So, maybe... yeah. I think that the answer is life.”

“Hmmm... perhaps, but it’s actually pretty easy to escape life. I could use my powers to kill myself at any time I wanted.”

“But then that’s in anger or with permission, ‘cuz it’s not just life in general, but your life! Well, my life for me, but you get the idea, right?”

“Yeah.” Once more I turn to Twilight. “Come on Twi, think of something. We gotta give the right answer or who knows what crazy stuff this cat will do?”

Twilight looks put upon. “I, uh... r- riddles aren’t really my thing... unless it’s one that I already know.” She grins sheepishly, her ears flat.

“Crap.” What have I done? I just screwed us over by making a deal with a Cheshire Cat. What kind of idiot would try and outwit a reality-warping creature of chaos? Guess I figured it wouldn’t be much different from doing so with Discord, but boy was I wrong...

“Come on Anne, we gotta think of something. Life seems like a good answer, but there’s usually more than one answer to riddles. What can’t be escaped without permission? I still say a universal law, but which one it is I can’t figure out. What was created in fire that can’t be studied? What can we not reach but already be with?”

“Uhm... a giant, all-consuming black hole?” Anne answers, looking doubtful.

“Oh fuck it.” I stand up and look at the cat a defeated look on my face. “A cosmic black hole?”

The cat face-paws. “No, but that’s inventive, at least. And you didn’t answer life, like half the people I hear that riddle get told to... well, I suppose I’ll lead you to the Gate... And, since I get to mess with you, then I’ll even help you find your lost princess.” The cat grins beneficently at us, poofy tail curled into a striped halo over her head.

I just stand there and blink. “Well then what the name of the seven princes is the answer!?”

“The universe. Or reality, your choice.”

I throw my hands up. “Well fine then... just show us the Gate...” I feel like a complete dumbass.

The cat practically prances as she walks down an invisible staircase to the ground, from which she starts leading us through the forest. Now that she’s down below my eye level, I realize she’s almost the size of Twilight, which is a touch worrying.

Screw it, my brain is fried and stumped. I’m just gonna go along with whatever happens now...

Anne and Twilight seem a bit reluctant to follow, but I remind them that we did make a deal with the cat. Twilight points out that I made a deal with the cat, they didn’t actually say anything.

“Alright, I guess you can find the Gate on your own. And even if I‘m duped by the cat and I’m not gonna end up in front of the portal, then I’m still not any more lost than I already am. Just saying.”

The girls face each other, and then begin to follow me following the cat. I’d say it’s like the blind leading the blind, but the cat apparently knows where she’s going.

We finally stop in a clearing, a wide one near a set of cliffs with strange, angular channels in them. A large cave entrance is ahead of us. The cat looks back over her shoulder, beginning to unravel again.

“Well, this is where we part ways, for a little bit. Just make it through the cave, and I’ll meet you on the other side. Ta!” The cat faded out, shutting her eyes to completely vanish. Twilight shuddered, apparently not liking the Cat. I demonstrate my own dislike, though in a different manner.

“You better be right or I’m gonna find a razor and shave you bald, you fucking cat!!”

Anne sighs, looking utterly exhausted. Her skin has turned a bit more bronze, though that’s likely because of the exercise and the sunlight that’s been bathing us every few steps through the forest. I decide that if we don’t get through the cave in time, the cat might continue without us. I relay this to the girls and step into the cave. I Spark up to shine a bit of light around us. I can always use my arm as a torch if it’s still too dark.

“I wonder where we are.” Anne says, whispering as she steps into the cave. surprisingly, the large opening has let in a tremendous amount of natural light, so I only really need my Spark on to see in the deep pools of shadow the floor’s rough patches cast. The floor has some sorts of symbols or glyphs scored into them, and the walls look like they’re made of thousands of layers.

“Alright, I’m not entirely sure what we’ve got here, but one thing’s for sure: we need to be prepared.” I can fashion my usual shortsword and buckler from the coal in my satchel. Anne has sharp wings and Twilight at least has armor.

“We ready, gang?” I ask. “Once we start, we should probably not stop.”

The two nod hesitantly, and we step into the thestral gloom. Like a barrier or someone flicking a switch, the light goes from nearly full daylight to pitch black the moment the shadow of the cave prevents from getting any farther. I’m suddenly the only source of light, and I can feel Anne and Twilight pressing up on either side of me, getting as close as they can to the light source.

Heh, I’m a chick magnet... and a mare magnet too.

We continue into the darkness. Obviously since I’m lighting the place with my Stellar form, I’m unable to make my coal tools weightless. Man this sword is heavy...

The light isn’t bright enough to see the edges of the cave tunnel anymore, but my Spark’s light keeps throwing eerie shadows from the edges of the symbols in the floor. In several places, the glyphs just disappear under the walls, as if the walls aren’t normally there. Worrying, but the dust on the ground at least means no walls have been moving recently.

“Okay, I’ve had enough. Girls, stand back and don’t touch me.” I turn off my Spark to return my coal tools into dust in my satchel. I then Spark up again and enter my Heat Form, summoning fireballs around my hands. “There, that should be better.”

Immediately, I see that the rough, layered look to the walls is common even this far into the tunnel, and that it begins to slope down like thin steps shortly ahead. That would’ve been bad to stumble onto by accident. Two tunnels extend into the darkness ahead, though, from the bottom of the slope.

“So uh... which way?”

Anne points towards the right, while Twilight points left. Seeing the other’s choice, they both immediately switch, still pointing at opposing directions. Great.

“Well, we can’t just split up. Anyone have a coin?”

A bunch of ‘um’ sounds come from the two of them, as Twilight tries to reach her bags. She can’t reach them though. Stupid magic dependance. I put the fires on my shoulders and open up her saddlebag and start looking through the stuff she’d packed. I just need something with two unidentical sides. Or a spinny thing.

Finally, I pull out a bit. “Heads we go left, Tails we go right.” I flip the coin, and reach out to catch it. It bounces off my hands, and I curse quietly as I watch it roll off to the right, into a small cave at the top of the slope. I hadn’t noticed it because it was so much smaller than the rest of the caves, the side-passage being about as tall as I am.

“Okay, option C it is.” I say walking towards the smaller passage. The passage is much smaller, leaving me uncomfortably near the layered pieces of stone that the cave is made from. Tiny, almost fibrous-looking bits of stone splay from each edge, like the edges of a ripped piece of paper, but stone. As well, the whole thing is a circle, not the mostly flat-bottomed cave that the larger area is. Curiosity, though, won’t let me leave it alone.

I kneel down to inspect it further. Reaching a tentative hand towards the top of one layer, I find that it’s smooth, like the paper it resembles, but almost a quarter-inch thick. It is also stone, but I can see the carvings of more glyphs on the layer itself. It’s like something went through, layer by layer, and wrote things in the stone, then put another layer of stone on, and did it again. What kind of anything, Wunderland or not, would do that? Either way, the only other feature I can see is that the tunnel curves, though the shadows make it a little harder to tell which way it curves, at least from here.

Not seeing any other option I stand up and walk towards the tunnel, flaming palm outstretched. Slowly, I navigate in towards the curve, and look around the corner. In the distance, I can see a light. It must be the way out!

I rush forward to the light, expecting grass and sky or something. Instead, I bump into something, and I fall on my rear, scraping up my palms as I catch myself from the fall. The light, which I’d assumed was an exit, is actually just two feet into the tunnel, and is illuminating a book on the ground. What I bounced off of is a large creature, more or less the exact dimensions of the tunnel I’m in now as far as diameter is concerned. It looks up at me, eight glowing red eyes becoming visible as they point in my direction.

“Uh... hi there?” I decide to go intangible just for the sake of caution.

A set of jaws, hidden behind scales as wide as my chest, is bared. I can only sort of hear the roar, because my hearing is pretty much gone from the moment it starts. Running, it seems, is a good idea, and a ringing is starting in my ears.

“Uh... I wouldn’t happen to be able to talk this out?” I probably sound like I just wet myself. I hope I didn’t. I get up and bolt back the way I came, which is pretty fast. So fast, in fact, that I don’t turn when the tunnel does and I hit the wall facefirst. The thin layers of pointy stone scrape the hell out of my face and chest, and I start to wish I’d commissioned armor before this journey. I shake off the pain and confusion, and dart out of the tunnel, my hearing coming back partially enough for me to hear the creature sliding across the ground.

I keep running and barely stop in time to avoid crashing into the girls. “That is not the way out!” I yell, and dart down the slope. Once I return to the intersection room I stop and power down. I find the darkest spot in the room and begin my heroic plan of hiding like a pansy, hoping it won’t find me.

Another roar, this one not deafening me, echoed through the tunnels as the glowing light of the creature barreled out of the little tunnel. The creature exited the tunnel, and I begin to see lines of glowing sigils, glyphs, and even some recognizable letter and numbers. The light on the end of the creature swung around the little area, and finally swept across Twilight.

The pony, looking like a deer in the headlights, simply stared in shock and fear at the titanic, worm-like creature glaring at her. Its jaws open wide, and it looks like it’s about to strike. I am sooooo going to hate myself for this. I go intangible and leap inside the worm-beast and start generating as much electricity as I can, hoping I can electrocute it to death from the inside before I think about where I am.

Chapter 81

I discharge everything I’ve built up, the electrical blue light illuminating the inside of the huge worm. I can see where the lightning arcs have scorched its innards, but then it has slid past me, roaring in pain.

I can faintly hear screaming, and I turn to see that Twilight is now being faced down by the worm-creature, which is rearing up as if to strike. The runes on its sides flare with red light.

I need to at least distract it, but I’m not entirely sure how to do that... I think that, since it’s obviously used to living in this dark cave, maybe a big flare of electricity could blind it, which would at least allow us to get around it.

Unfortunately, my Dynamo form isn’t nearly as bright as... wait. I start generating electricity, but not bothering to charge it up so my body is like a walking live wire. I then try and apply some fire. If I can heat up the electrons and excite them... In a few moments, I feel a surge of energy coming from the fire meeting the arcs of electricity.

“Lights on, mother fucker!” A brief, blinding flash of light radiates from my body. I have a feeling that if it’s almost too bright for me it should have a decent effect on the creature, nocturnal or not.

The entire cave becomes nothing but stark contrast, and I hear a startled, pained yelp as Twilight turns away from the light. The wurm is writhing, and I see it begin to take frantic bites from a wall, tearing and chewing its way rapidly into the layered stone. The end of it, lit in solid white and black, appears to be like a hand, and carrying something, which gets dropped as the wurm burrows into the wall.

After a few seconds of holding the light, to make sure the wurm had left, I realize that, Twilight is crouched behind Anne, her wing-arms spread wide to block the light.

“Hah! Fire and electricity. Heated electrons equals light!” I power down, feeling vaguely winded. “Science, bitches!”

I hear some pinging noises, each followed by an ‘ow!’. I turn, and see that Anne’s back is literally red-hot and glowing. Whoops, all energy, even light, becomes heat when it hits something.

“Sorry girls... guess light can’t exactly be directed as well as I thought... You two alright?”

Both of them reply ‘ow’, Twilight rubbing her face in the faint light from Anne’s extremely heated back.

“Well, look at it this way. The wurm is gone. That’s good, right?”

“Owww...” Jeez, you’d think they’d be grateful, but nooo...

“Anyway, think of that as a lesson in human science.” I figure I should comfort them though. I walk over to Anne to pat her but I stop and enter my Heat form first. I don’t want major burns. Even through the resistance the form gives me, though, I wince. She’s hot enough that I could make jokes about it and... wait, her back is bare now... shit, I think I burned her shirt off!

“Uh... sorry? I guess I should have practiced that before applying it, but I didn’t want to cut open a giant maggot and pull you out of its intestinal tract...”

The two girls give me looks, but I can’t tell what sort in the darkness. I sigh, feeling bad, but we quickly come to the consensus to keep going. If those wurms are what carved these tunnels, I don’t want to meet up with the one that carved this gargantuan tunnel.

“So, I’m thinking we should avoid the smaller tunnel... so I guess we choose right or left again.” The two of them point towards the left, the farthest away from the side-tunnel.

“Alright, left it is.” I decide we could do something while we walk. “So Twilight, can your magic-based science explain how what I did works? Generating light from fire and electricity?”

“Owch... yeah, any form of elemental energy can be converted into light, even earth magic. The only kind that can’t, at least for most ponies, is shadow magic, but Luna uses it to form the lensing effect that makes the moon glow.”

“Huh, not a bad idea. Anyhow, I’m still going to explain electrons to you sometime. I don’t know about you, but our non-magical science just makes more sense to me. Anne, you agree with me, right? These guys never even heard of electrical fires before I demonstrated! Back me up here.”

Anne shrugs. “I- I’m not much of an electrician. Or a scientist. I’m good with- or, I used to be good with guns.”

I blanch at this. I don’t know how the ponies would take the idea of firearms, they don’t seem to be the hunting type, and they definitely aren’t killers. “Uhh... Anne? Ix-nay on the Uns-gay.”

Anne looks at me weird. “What?” Of course she had to not understand Pig Latin.

“Great, now I have to explain guns...” I facepalm. This is not gonna go over well.

Twilight speaks up. “Can we just get out of here? I don’t really like the dark anymore...”

“And yet your name is Twilight. Go figure.” I don’t see the need to quicken our pace. If there’s another wurm, I have a plan.

Thankfully, the plan is not needed, and we finally find the end of the tunnel, and the three of us all stumble around blindly as the noon sun tries to murder our eyeballs.

“Alright, that cat better be here, or I’m gonna go teriyaki on it’s ass.” I know it’s racist, but I’m really mad at that furball.

“Well, now, isn’t that a touch racist?” the cat says, and I turn to glare at it, and see that it’s on top of the cave exit we just left from. Stupid cat.

“Only if you know what teriyaki is and you’re aware of the Chinese stereotype. Though I guess it’s only lost on Twi.”

The cat chuckles. “It’s not lost, merely misplaced, I’m sure. Now that you’re through the Bookcase, perhaps we can continue on? Your lost princess isn’t too far away.”

“Bookcase? What the-” I look back at the cave we came through, looking at the area around the mouth we had exited.

From this side, I realize the ‘mountain range’ we’d passed under does look like an immense pile of books. Which makes the layers of stone with writing on them make sense at least.

A moment later, I groan out loud as a realization hits me.

“I almost got eaten by a bookwurm!” I shout, despair hitting me like a wave. I was almost killed by a giant pun! Fuck you, Wunderland... I facepalm again and groan. “Let’s just go...”

The cat snickers, and begins leading us off. Into the forest we go, once more traipsing through the undergrowth, until we come to another clearing, this time with a nice-looking cottage nearby, and a large table set with hundreds of places, dozens of teapots, and teacups everywhere. There’s also a rather stately looking man - a human man - at the end of the table, with a hat on his head of impressive size and color, though I can’t really tell how to describe it. It literally defies description. Also at the table, and speaking animatedly with the man in the absurdly impressive hat, is Cadence, who waves at us. Much of her armor is missing, but she’s still got a bandoleer of the engraved vorpal knives around her chest.

I sigh. “So now I wait for the March Hare and the Dormouse...”

Cadence looks over at me and giggles. “Silly, it’s already march! The hare is off doing what he does best this time of year.” Twilight blushes and looks anywhere else. I can’t help but smile, Cadence’s grin and good cheer is contagious.

I also laugh at Twilight’s constant embarrassment. “Seriously Twilight? I think one of these days you need to grow up.” I give a grin. “Maybe get you to a brothel sometime.”

Twilight’s blush grows brighter, as does Cadence’s expression. “Ooh, I’d pay for that! I’m certain Twilight would love it!” Twilight blushes harder still, and strikes up an awkward conversation with... a teapot. Hmm, didn’t know she was that desperate to break the conversation.

“Oh Twilight, you’re so conservative...” I say and sit down and look at the human man. “So do I call you the Mad Hatter, or are you fine with just Hatter?”

“Call me what you will, I prefer that name. Or Will for short.” The hatter says, staring off into space.

I decide to give him a test to see if he’s the real Mad Hatter. No real reason, I just want to see how close he is to the one I remember. “I have a question for you. Why is a raven like a writing desk?” If he answers accordingly to his own famous riddle, I’d say he’s legit.

“I’m not so sure, but I don’t write too often anyways.” The hatter proceeds to pull out a piece of paper, a raven, and a quill from his hat, and begins scribbling down the riddle. The raven does not look amused to be used as a clipboard. Yep, he’s a fake.

“Anyhow, Cadence. Do you know where Pinkie is?”

“Hmm? Oh, she’s getting ready to throw us an unbirthday party each! An unbirthday, you see is-”

“I know, it’s every day of the year that isn’t your birthday.” I’m getting kind of tired of Wunderland. If it isn’t scary or dangerous, everything is too expected.

Cadence looks unhappy at my interruption. “Oh... I only got to have them when I was last in Wunderland, and that was a long time ago.”

“Unbirthdays aren’t a human thing, but I read the books and Wunderland is, aside from a few things, exactly the same as what I read. This is no different than being inside a book series I read hundr-” A sudden commotion interrupts me, and the hatter leaps up to push me away from the table, and begins ushering Cadence and Twilight away as well.

“Stay in the bushes, stay in the foliage, and don’t interrupt! The world is a stage, and I mustn’t disrupt the lead actress! Now, if only she knew it was a stage as well, this would go over so much better...” The hatter, acting far too sane and frantic for my liking, rushed back to the table, pulling a mouse out of his pocket and yelling for the march hare. The hare, looking harried, sprinted to the table, turning his bow to be crooked.

A moment passed of silence, then they began to sing and dance something that was eerily identical to the version Disney made, right down to the tall, imposing Hatter, or Will, shortening, his hat becoming definably green. In fact, the entire glad began turning to cartoonish color tones, and I notice that I’ve turned translucent somehow.

With a sort of morbid curiosity, I watch as the famous scene from the books plays out right in front of me, right down to Alice arriving. After a moment it hits me. The Wonderland I know hasn’t happened yet. The books are being written right now. I don’t know how to feel about that.

I feel the urge to walk up to Alice and tell her about what’s going to happen and how to avoid the countless dangers and confusions she’s going to encounter. I think about it. Would I be meddling with something that is, technically, written to be? On the other hand, Alice is a real girl who can get hurt. This isn’t fiction anymore.

I sigh and get up, walking back to the table. I’m not going to let this play out the way it did before... or will... or... oh fuck timeline confusion.

However, as I try to speak, no sound comes out, and my transparent limbs cannot touch the table spread, nor can they touch the ‘people’ seated there. Not liking being so ignored, I try to light the table on fire, hopefully breaking the script will make a difference.

The fire pours out from my hand... just in time to light the candles on the unbirthday cake set before Alice. I try again, but this time it passes harmlessly through the table.

I attempt to grab Alice and shake her by the shoulders, but obviously my arms pass through her, touching nothing. “I’m trying to help you, you stupid broad!” I try to say, but no sound reaches her.

Finally, I can do nothing but watch as Alice continues on her way, pushed along by events neither of us can control. I can only shudder as I think about her meeting with the Queens of the Board.

I can feel when I begin to fade in, and the Hatter gives me a stern look. “Now, I may be wrong, but I do believe you were told to stay in the bushes, and your friends could do that just fine. What, exactly, tempted you to do something so contrary?” Level-headed, calm Hatter is terrifying, scary Hatter.

“Because I know what Hell Alice is gonna go through, and I’m not gonna let any of that crazy bullshit happen to her. It’s different in books, but if that happens to her for real.” I lean in closer to the Hatter. “I’m gonna stop it.”

“But then you wouldn’t, because it never happened, which you can’t do, because then you would.”

“The only thing I hate worse than messing with space-time, is understanding it.” I sigh. “But I have to do something. Sure she ends up fine at the end, but I think it shouldn’t be the nightmare either Walt or Lewis wrote in for her.”

“Well, you’ve already upset the Red Queen by taking her favorite piece from the board, and now much of her forces are concentrated on finding you, not the burgeoning goddess going through her trials. You’ve already helped, you’ve even blocked off the Bookwurm’s tunnels from agitating the thing so much, so she won’t go through that.” The Hatter leaned in, and I realized I hadn’t seen his face, and still couldn’t. Just a spiral of mercurial silver moving towards the center, like it’s draining away. “Your mind gave me a face that wouldn’t drive her to madness.”

“Yeah, and she’s going to stay sane and unhurt as long as I’m around. Heck, why don’t I head back to the board and finish off the rest of the pieces?”

“Because you made a deal, and now you and your friends need to get to the Gate.” The Hatter gave the impression of a grin, though there was no change in his expression.

“But I don’t see Pinkie around. Until we’re all going to leave at once, I say I can do whatever the fuck I want. I don’t follow anyone’s rules unless I want to.” This insane non-human is not going to hold me back, wait... how can he? “Unless you think you can stop me.” I Spark up and grab him by his collar, and stare at the spiral pattern... or at least where his eyes would be on the pattern.

The Hatter begins to laugh, the maniacal, grating sound annoying me immensely, as I see Anne, Twilight, and Cadence step out of the bushes uncertainly. On the other side of my vision, I see Pinkie hop towards us, a cake balanced on her back. She stops when she sees whats going on.

The hatter suddenly turns fluid, splattering to the ground in a spray of silvery liquid. With a gurgle, it soaks into the ground, parting with only the words, “A raven and a writing desk... such a lovely riddle. I wish I’d thought of it...” Then, he was gone, and my four companions looked at me in shock.

“W- what did you do to him, Anthony‽”

Return from Wunderland

Pinkie is looking at me with an expression of betrayal.

“Really, Anthony, what did you do? Mr. Hatter was so nice!”

“I didn’t do a darn thing, the guy liquified by himself. I’m willing to bet he’ll come back if he wants. But right now, there’s a girl about to run into big trouble.”

Twilight and Cadence look at each other with faces full of worry, but Pinkie looks upset. “I just finished my first unbirthday cake! And besides, Alice-”

“Is about to run through a nightmare land where she almost gets killed or worse an innumerable amount of times. Just because she comes out of it fine at the end doesn’t mean I can’t just sit here and watch as a twelve-year-oldkid gets sent through this hell of a world. Heck, I have powers and I may not have made it this far!”

Pinkie looks at me, her blue eyes radiating empathy. “Anthony, sometimes it’s about letting someone do it themselves. Saving someone when it’ll only help won’t help them. My Granny Pie has been talking about this day for ages, and I never thought I’d be here for it.” She puts a hoof on my chest and gives me a pleading look.

“Maybe it’s because I’m a jerk, but I feel like breaking the rules so a kid doesn’t have to walk through this place. I’ve read the books, I know exactly what happens... shit! She’s probably at the Chessboard right now!” I look in the direction Alice ran. “I want to help someone-” Pinkie hugs me, tight enough to knock my breath out. regardless, I finish my thought, though a bit quieter than the yelling I’d begun before.

“And if that means I’m the bad guy, then fine, stay here while I go help someone in trouble.” I go intangible and slip out of Pinkie’s embrace and rush off to the Chessboard.

Almost instantly, I find myself there, with a feeling like letting tension out of a rubber band. The whole castle is more grand than in the books, but more... simplistic, at the same time.

It’s strange, it’s less like a castle, and more like a child’s interpretation of what a castle should be. And I see Alice, somehow much farther through her story than she should be, grown immense. She breaks through the castle and throws chunks of masonry the size of buicks at the approaching guards, all of whom appear terrified. They don’t have a choice, but they have to march on Alice, who may as well be a god now that she’s ‘awoken’. Or is ‘waking’, I’m not sure which.

I grow to match her size.... well, I grow so we’ve essentially grown the same amount, me being about a head or two taller than her. Almost as if in response, a look of shock crosses her face, and she suddenly begins shrinking, becoming tiny. Right, she’d just eaten both the grow and the shrink effects, and then... Then I realize I’m a giant, a monstrous prince of the chessboard. And I just chased Alice untold miles through her story in an instant.

I shrink back down to my normal size, though Alice is much smaller than me. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you. I want to help you. You’re in danger.”

Alice looks past me, and I see that I’ve turned translucent again. I want to scream, to burn something. Why can’t I change this?

Wunderland wants to play dirty? Fine. I’ll do the same. “Alright you goddamn queens, get over here. I’m gonna roast you both if you try to ignore me!”

I supercharge my heat form, and step quickly across the board towards the Red Queen, who currently looks human, minus a face that is nothing but a red heart-shape. The Queen’s head swivels towards me, and she whispers to me.

“Pieces can’t take their own color, Anthony. And you chose me.” the Queen waves a hand, and I find myself about-faced, once more towards a scared and running Alice. Maybe if I can get to her, push the others away from her... I can’t take them, but any piece you can’t take can block your movement, right?

I turn to the Red Queen. “I’m not playing your game, anymore. I’m playing mine.” I rush over to where Alice is and prepare to completely obliterate anything that gets too close to her. After going nowhere fast, I remember I should slow down to proceed. I turn and give the Red Queen a dirty look before I continue towards Alice at a slower pace. Once I’m in front of her I address her.

“Sorry about scaring you earlier, but you aren’t safe here, Alice. Come with me if you want to live.” I have always wanted to say that!

Alice looks at me for a moment, and the world goes sort of... fuzzy. All around her, the world drifts out of focus for a moment, before her gaze slips from me, turning back towards the assembled army. I feel like puking, whatever just happened was like getting run through the most violent sea-voyage compressed into two seconds.

Fighting my gag-reflex I turn to the army of pieces and cards. “Now we can do this the easy way, or the hot way.” I surround myself in flames once more, the fire burning a sky-blue for some reason. “Any of you bastards gonna try and stop me?”

The army charges again, all of them screaming for Alice. I prepare to toast the first one to come near me, but they begin to march in a spiral, mid-air, going up, over, and around me, Alice running along the base of the tilted spiral like it was a tube. It’s over, one way or another, but I can still pour my anger out at all these cheating, lying, manipulative assholes. I may be too late by their trickery, but at least I can avenge what’s happened.

I look down at the board at my feet, and set it ablaze. They want games? They’re gonna need a new board. I proceed to do what I did with the flowers and run around. My flaming footsteps singeing all the pieces around me to black, a field of indistinguishable desolation.

Finally, I run through the assembled card soldiers, all of them looking like they’re afraid. If they’re so afraid, though, then they should run. But they don’t, and I light them up, screaming my throat raw. I’m not in the mood for quiet anymore.

I feel two options are available. One, find the queens and force them to tell me where Alice is. The other being to just try and figure it out myself. This being Wunderland, I think the former option is best.

“Alright you royal pains! Get over here. Now!”

A pair of huge chess pieces slide over to me, each a Queen in white or red. Slowly, they begin to take the forms of alicorns, their eyes glazed for several seconds after they finish.

“Where is Alice? You better not make this any more difficult than it has to be... no, any more difficult than I want it to be.”

The two alicorns begin to speak, perfectly in unison, their eyes still glazed. “She is home.”

“Yeah right. Prove it. Show me where she is.”

“She is not within Wonderland anymore. I have no power beyond its borders, and very little beyond the Board. My part has been played, and I have exited the stage.”

“Why do I not believe you? Speak up, or I kill your puppets.”

“Do as you wish, I am already fading. The Alice awakens, and she will guide the world.”

“Fine, I’ll take your word for it. But if Alice is still here somewhere, you’re going to regret every breath you spent lying to me.”

“I have completed the reason for my existence. Why would I regret anything?” The two alicorns begin to fade, slowly reshaping into a pegasus and an earth pony, both of whom appear starved.

My work here seems done, so I leave the ponies and head back to the rest of my group. I still want confirmation of Alice’s escape though. The cat appears, with the most disgruntled look on her face I’ve ever seen on a cat.

“You broke the deal.” the cat says, before flicking her tail and leading me to my friends.

“I did not. The deal was that you take me to my friends and the Gate. Never was it mentioned if I could or could not do something else before we reached the gate.” I stare at the cat as I follow it.

“Not that deal! The one at the gate. Or does nobody bother to read it anymore?”

“There was nothing at the Gate but trees. If you want something known, express it clearly or it’s your fault.”

“It’s on your side of the gate, all up and down the rim. It’s not my fault if whoever sent you here failed to mention that stepping through the Gate constitutes a binding contract. You’re supposed to read the entire thing, which activates it until you come back. What, do you have some village or something on this side of the Gate to keep it open?” The cat says, sarcastically.

“On this side, no. But the Gate on our side opens and closes whenever the heck it wants, no reading required, just being there when the Gate decides to open.”

The cat looks at me like I’m stupid, which is probably what the cat thinks. “Gates don’t work like that, but I suppose that’s all you can understand of it. Bah, I just wish that Blueish pony had bothered to tell others what I told him about making and using Gates. Either way, here are your friends.” The cat gestures, and sure enough we’re at the clearing with Pinkie, Twilight, and Cadence. Anne is nowhere to be seen.

“Anne better be here and invisible, or I will really shave you.” I say staring at the cat.

“She did that thing she does when she saw your princess, and now I can’t tell where she is.” The cat chuckles, dark mood breaking. “Heh, I bet she’d excel at hide-and-seek.”

I pull some coal out of my satchel and, making a set of small spinning sawblades, call out for Anne.

I blink, and drop the saws as I suddenly realize that Anne is clinging to me, opposite from where Cadence is talking. The harpy is burying her face in my side, and I can feel the wetness of her tears. It’s really weird, because she must’ve been hanging on to me for a few moments, but I didn’t feel her at all.

“Alright. I suppose our vacation is over early. Come on, gang! We’re leaving!”

The whole group gets up, the ponies grumbling a bit, and Anne still clinging to me. I sigh, trying to figure out why she’s- oh wait, Cadence is an alicorn, and is pink.

“Anne, Cadence isn’t going to hurt you, she’s fine. As for you ponies, you can stay if you want I suppose, but I’m leaving. As far as I’m concerned, Wonderland is a complete waste of my time.”

The ponies quiet, and I lead us after the Cat, who finally brings us to a freestanding arch of stone, in the middle of a glade. A sheet of quicksilver ripples gently in the archway, and the arch itself is inscribed with the same runes and symbols as the machete I have.

Either way, this is not the Gate we came in through.

“Okay, I’m not stupid. We go through this and we’re not gonna end up in Canterlot, are we?” I stare at the cat once more, but it’s already almost gone, nothing but its eyes and a disappointed frown.

“Of course you’re not stupid. And yet, when you made the deal for me to lead you to ‘the Gate’, you forgot a big, important-”

“Yeah yeah, I know, which Gate I wanted to be taken to. Just shut up and poof away. Be someone else’s headache, fleabag.”

I feel a breeze across my chest and look down as the Cat glares and fades away. All of my clothes have just faded out as well, leaving me just the stainless, pure-white boxers Rarity made for me. all my gear went with it, minus the vorpal blade. I throw my hands up into the air.

“I don’t even fucking care anymore. Screw this place, I’m going home.” I say and step through the portal, awaiting the loopy effect from before.

Chapter 83

Instead of a stress-relieving tilt-a-whirl ride, all I hear is a faint ‘pop’ and I’m standing on the icey-cold floor of a cave, faint light illuminating everything.

I sigh and Spark up. The others will either follow or stay. I’m giving them five minutes before I go off without them.

Almost immediately, Anne steps through, and she hugs me as she comes through. Honestly, though, I’m only barely able to care after all that. Twilight, Cadence, and Pinkie each step out after that.

“Where are we?” Cadence asks, looking around the cave in wonder. Twilight has no answer.

The light from my Spark catches something in the dark, making it shine brightly for a moment.I walk towards where the shine came from holding my now-flaming hand up to it.

A glistening pool of faintly purple stuff lays in a shallow depression of the ground, rippling slightly. The dancing light of my flames occasionally cause it to shine in reflection, and I shake my head. It doesn’t smell very pleasant, and I’ve heard enough about DnD not to stick my hand into any unknown liquids in a dungeon or cave.

“It’s mysterious purple not-water. Moving on.” I hold up my hand to cast light around the room, looking for a tunnel out of the cave. As if in response, the small glowing patches around the room light up brighter which causes the entire cavern to brighten, and the shape of crystals make themselves known on the ceiling. The glowing crystals reveal an unremarkable tunnel to one side, more little puddles of the purpley goo dotted here and there. There’s some kind of rubble where some form of obstruction had closed off this chamber in the past.

I just head for the tunnel, and make sure the others are still following me. I sigh. “Well, that ‘vacation’ was sure a waste of time...” The ponies don’t say a word, and I see Anne looks hurt.

“Yeah, okay, saving Anne is a big deal and all, but really. Wunderland wasn’t at all what I expected. Don’t tell me any of you think differently.”

“Well, I liked getting to say hi to my Granny Pie...” Pinkie says hesitantly.

“Yep, and now Twilight can’t use magic. I suppose that might be decent trade.” I say sarcastically. “Maybe we left too early. We could go back and see if we could lose a limb to something too.”

I see, out of the corner of my eye, Cadence and Pinkie wince, but Twilight’s too far back for me to see without turning my head.

“I know that the place can be fun, but face it, there’s too much stuff over there that wants to screw with you or kill you. Wonderland is a wonder.” I pause for a moment, then spit out a caustic finisher. “A wonder you can get out intact.”

That pretty much kills the conversation, and we walk out of the cave in silence, reaching the exit from the tunnel with ease. Outside, it’s late evening, and we’re right near a small path down a hundred feet or so to the outskirts of Canterlot.

Which is in flame.

“Of fucking course...” I sigh before running off to save the day... in my underwear. I am not up for this, but I’ve gotta.

All of us make our way down the path, except Cadence, who flies down. Just as the four of us get to the bottom, we see the problem. A massive, no colossal wave of purpley sludge pours down a street, and I see ponies get flattened by it. Faces, each no more complex than a mouth and two eyes, form all across its body, making ‘mm-bah!’ noises in an eerie chorus.

“Okay guys.” I begin. “What is it, and how do we kill it?”

Twilight just stares, aghast, at the tide of purple muck, and even Pinkie doesn’t seem to know what to do. Anne is clearly no more in the know than I am.

As I try to figure out what exactly to do, a team of royal guards, in their silly-looking armor, run towards the gelatinous mass. I expect them to be overwhelmed, but instead they glow with some kind of energy barrier when pseudopods of goo lash out at them, deflecting the blows.

The five ponies begin making a magic barrier to redirect the flow away from the houses civilians are fleeing from.

“Welp, looks like they got this handled. I’ll be back in Ponyville, getting some clothes. If you need anything, please, hesitate to ask.” I say, just making my way to the train station. I may not be able to get a ride but I can at least follow the tracks back. Quick-stepping rapidly down the tracks, I make it back to Ponyville in time to see a cascade of the purple ooze begin to pour off the sides of Canterlot.

“Yep, problem taken care of.” I lazily make my way to Carousel Boutique to get another set of clothes. I figure I’ll get a dresser in my room later. Meandering through the town, I realize it’s been evacuated already. Whatever, just means I can get my clothes without Rarity whining about the last set. I step inside and go over to where I’ve seen her put her ‘finished projects’ that aren’t shipped immediately.

Digging around, I finally pull out the clothes I need, and put on yet another set of nearly identical clothes.

‘At least there’s variety’ I think sarcastically. Jeez, you’d think a fashionista would have a bit more imagination. I put on the clothes and begin to head back to the library. Seems Ponyville has been evacuated. Due to a purple ball of goop in a mountain city literally miles away from them. Pansies...

I lay back on my bed, thankful for the rest. I wonder how long I’ve been gone... It was only three days on that side of the Gates, but I have no idea what that means for here. I’m about to fall asleep when I hear a gurgling sound from some ways away. It starts out pretty faint, but it’s getting louder, and sounds kinda like a bunch of ponies singing while gargling marbles.

I get up and look out my window and see a tidal wave of purple heading towards the town, hundreds of the faces on it.

Right, ponies can’t protect themselves worth crap. Or from crap by the looks of things. I head down the stairs and outside. If it’s goo, it should conduct electricity like a wet sponge. I discard my apathetic demeanor. It’s hero time.

“Come on, snot-ball, you want this? Come and get it!”

I see dozens of ponies near the base of the flood of goo, and stop for a moment when the chorus, and what its source is, hits me. The flood of gel rears back for a moment as the unicorns form a shield, and the disturbing tide’s roar of gross voices rise to a crescendo. Forming a spike of goo, covered in mouths and eyes, the slime-monster pierces the shield through sheer mass and impales one of the ponies.

The pony looks down at his chest as the spike retracts, pulling him with it. From the inside, he dissolves, turning into more purplish goo. Well, an electrical charge should keep that from happening. That is the basis of an energy shield, after all, and it should work with a huge enough power source, like a living star. I run up to the monster.

“I’ve fought meaner things than you. So just go home and spit those ponies out, or I get mad.”

“M-bah doo-aaah!” Man, whatever it is, it’s no conversationalist.

“Fine then, I’m gonna save this place one way or another. If it’s a whoopin’ you want, then bring it on!” I leap towards it, going into my Dynamo form and leaping at it to fry this thing just like the bookwurm. Only I can do it from the surface.

“Get ready to fry, you-” My fist strikes the creature.

*SPLOO~OOTCH*

Instantly, a numbness begins to spread up my arm, and my charge fizzles, dissipated. I can see it beginning to engulf my arm, and I phase through it on instinct, crying out and jumping back.

Gah, why did I even bother fighting it? I step back, cradling my arm as I see Myrna, covered in stony plates, race around the blob and begin dragging stone walls up around it to close it off.

All the ponies are cheering her.

None are even looking at me.

Yeah, I get it now. I just turn away and walk off to the edge of town, not that I really care about where I’m going. There’s no anger, even at the ponies that have so obviously discarded me after my fame ran out. Why bother with anger? Not like I want to waste any on them anyway. They’re not worth it.

Screw it, maybe I can climb a tree. With any luck, they’ll just piss off and leave me alone...

Chapter 84

The monster is gone. The ponies, Myrna, even Anne got in on saving the day.

Turns out, it was just scared, the Shoes. Or whatever, Twilight talked at me, but I wasn’t really listening.

Right now, I’m just sitting in a tree, waiting for everyone to go away. I couldn’t save them, so they just stop caring. Besides, it’s not like they wanted me, they wanted a savior. They just like me because I can save them... When I save them, that is.

I hear the sound of scales on grass and gravel, and know that Myrna’s here.

“Well look who we have here. The big town hero. To what do I owe the pleasure, oh great warrior?” I say, not even bothering to sound like I care.

“Anthony, please, come down from the tree.” Myrna’s voice is soft, but I can hear the imperious tone in it. She just wants to order me around.

“Look, don’t get all high and mighty with me. The ponies only give a crap because you saved them. They don’t want you or me. They just like our powers. I guarantee you that if a pony had the same powers we do, we’d be just freaks.”

Myrna sighed. “And can you say that humans would act any different? Listen, Anthony, Celestia and Luna told us about the Smooze. It... it messes with your head, if you touch it.”

“So now you’re saying my head’s fucked up because I did something stupid. Yeah, thanks a ton. Go read your fan mail. Tell me how many of them want to fuck you just ‘cause you’re the new champion.”

“W- what? I- No, Anthony, come down please. I’m your friend, right? I just want you to be alright.” I hear a sound I don’t immediately recognize, and it takes me until I see Myrna’s hooded face slide up the tree to realize she’s coiled completely around the small piece of foliage in order to climb up. She begins draping herself onto the branches nearby me, and looks at me with concern.

“I am alright, and I do know you’re my friend... but I’m serious. Those ponies don’t care. For the next few months you’re going to walk around town getting favors and ponies are going to bow in your presence. But it’s just because they like your powers. It had nothing to do with me as a person, so I’m saying it’s going to be the same to you.”

The next moment is a little muddled, as the coiled Myrna springs towards me, catching me off guard she she hugs me tightly. “And so the little fillies crying because they thought you ran away don’t care? The two dozen ponies who began organizing search parties to find you in case you’d been hurt don’t care? They organized themselves, by the way. Nobody prompted them.” She pulls me against her, leaning back to turn herself into what amounts to a giant pillow.

“Yeah yeah, I get it. I’m important to them. I just don’t really understand the way they worship me though. They act like I’m some kind of deity just because I protect them. All Spider-Man has to deal with is a ton of press.”

“Yeah, but around here you aren’t Spidey, you’re Superman, or Iron Man, or even Mega Man! You’re not just a hero with a P.R. team from hell, you’re the hero who not only saved people’s lives, but then stuck around and made their lives better. I’ve had a lot of chances to talk with the ponies in the two months you’ve been gone, and they’ve got a lot of good to say about you.”

“Alright alright, but you’re wrong with a few things.”

“Oh, and what am I wrong about?” I feel a full-body squeeze from her, but her tone is playful.

“Well first of all, Mega Man isn’t a superhero, he’s basically just a last-ditch option. Most of those robots were made by the same guy who made Mega Man to begin with. And secondly, don’t you dare say Spidey isn’t better than Iron Man. Spider-Man could kick Stark’s butt any day.”

“What? No way, Tony can totally take Spidey. Iron Man has freakin’ laser beams! He can burn Spidey’s webs, fly, and is almost as strong!”

“Pfft, yeah, let’s see a computerized targeting system match the Spider-Sense.” I sit up, smug look on my face. Myrna laughs, but doesn’t disagree.

When I’m finally coaxed back to Ponyville, Myrna’s carrying me because I’m still feeling exhausted. A veritable swarm of little fillies crowds around us, including the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Scootaloo poofing up into Koosh-mode when she sees us.

“Heya, everybody. How’re ya doin’?”

The children all bounce and cheer that I’m back, and it actually does make me feel better. A bunch of the adult ponies around look relieved. Myrna finally stops and puts me down when we’re confronted by Big MacIntosh. He doesn’t look too happy.

“Hey man... what? Did I do something wrong?”

He jabs a hoof at my chest, and it hurts a pretty fair amount. “Don’t ever scare mah little sis’ like that again.” His voice is perfectly level, no trace of anger in it, only disappointment. I see that Applebloom is hugging my leg and get it.

“Yeah, guess I should tell the entirety of Ponyville next time I want a vacation... but it sure is good to be back.”

The burly stallion offers me a hoof, and I give it a fist-bump.

Feeling a little better, I looked at the pony children, all of whom seemed happy to see me. Scootaloo was still doing a koosh impression, and I kinda want to know why. Maybe I can get her to sit down and talk about herself. Maybe later, I’m actually kinda hungry for once, and really tired.

“Well, I’d love to stay and tell you about Wonderland, but I’m gonna go get something to eat.” I gently remove the children who were attached to my legs and wandered off in search of an eating establishment. I could really go for a chicken-burger... but who in Ponyville would serve me one?

After a moment of thought, I realize two things. One, that Myrna is following me, and two that I’ve already been introduced to one such place. Possibly. That gryphon chef will at least be able to serve some kind of meat.

“So Myrna, I’m gonna take you to the only place I’m aware of that is within town limits and doesn’t mind serving meat. Not sure what he’s got other than fish, but the chef’s a gryphon, so no problems with killing and cooking.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve dined there. Maestro’s a real sweetheart once you get past his manners. Apparently, that’s a gryphon thing. I sat down and talked with him the first week I was here; he was the only one who didn’t flinch from me.”

“Yeah, cause I doubt a giant bird-lion would have any problem with a snake-person. Given the fact that birds eat snakes and lions eat people... minus the fact that male lions don’t actually hunt... but I digress.”

“But they have great hair!” Myrna chirps happily.

I snap my fingers. “That’s it! They don’t wanna mess up their hair! It all makes sense now!”

Myrna and I share a laugh, and I see in the corner of my vision that she’s pulled up next to me. It’s incredible, really, how fast she can be, especially given how bulky her snake-body is.

“So yeah, I think once Anne gets some appropriate clothes from Rarity, she’ll get to meet the town properly. Being a bird... or a snake must be weird.”

“Yeah... So how long were you just wandering around with her, no clothes on either of you?” Myrna’s question is spoken in a cold tone, and I feel prickles on the back of my neck as the hairs there rise. I get the feeling that the side of my head had eyes, I’d be a statue right about now. Or slag.

“Uh, none unless you count when the Cheshire Cat magically stripped me down to just my undies. But at that point I just wanted to get home. You think I’d get with a bird-chick I’ve only known for...” I think. “About a day and a half now?”

Myrna is silent for a moment, and I start sweating. “So, how long was she without clothes for that day and half, mister Anthony?”

“Listen mom, getting clothes for someone whose arms are giant razor blades is rather difficult. Not like I didn’t try to help her cover up.”

“Uh huh.” Never before has the term ‘stony stare’ meant more to me than now.

“Why do you care anyway? I just rescued her from being treated like a literal inanimate object. Sorry for caring about the treatment of others... wait... don’t tell me you’re jealous?” I give her a strange look, but still trying to avoid direct eye-contact.

“What? N- no! I’m just worried for her well-being. Making sure you didn’t take advantage of her or anything like that.” Huh, that sounds hollow to me through my layers of crazy.

“Sure, because All Men Are Perverts, thanks a lot for the vote of confidence. I have the self-control to keep it in my pants, thank you very much.”

Myrna didn’t have much to say to that, and the conversation petered off until we reached the restaurant. To my surprise, there’s a pair of beautiful pillars in the shapes of ponies, pegasi wrapped around carven clouds. As we draw closer, I can see that the white stone statues are intricately detailed - Indeed, worryingly so.

“Your handiwork, I assume, Miss Master Stone-carver?”

“Actually, yes. They took forever to get into the right poses.” Boy does that sound bad. “It was like they were fighting it the whole time.”

“Clarify you meant the models you were using to base the carving on, or we’re gonna have a serious problem...” I say halfway angrily.

“What? Oh, you think I- no! I shaped them as practice moving stone without touching it! they’re made of white granite, not petrified ponies! Besides, you can’t petrify clouds without basilisk breath.”

“No, I actually don’t think you would. On purpose at least. I’m not new to the idea of making a mistake and covering it up, either. Just saying. Not a bad job though, not bad at all.”

Myrna flushes under her hood, and I see the back of her hood shift positions. I’m a little curious why she covers the snakes, but I hold off asking as we step into the restaurant. I can ask once we’re seated. There’s actually a lowered section of the restaurant with a large amount of area and a table mounted to the wall, which Myrna makes a beeline for.

“Favorite spot, or are you just hungry and it’s the first table you saw?”

“Heh, it was installed for me after I kept having to sit outside for the first three weeks. I helped make the foundations stronger for the whole restaurant while I was at it, so I get ten percent off on my bills.” Myrna slides into a neat coil in the depression in the floor, laying back against cushions set into the wall next to the table. She pats some of her coils. “Don’t worry, you’re plenty light enough for me to deal with.”

“That’s what she sai- wait...” I just realized that meant I was unsatisfactory. As Myran smiles at me, I grumble. “Forget I said anything.”

As I climb up, careful not to put too much pressure on any one place, Myrna takes her hood down. Almost immediately, the five snakes that make up a large portion of her ‘hair’ began to move about, each about four feet long. The snakes began to settle themselves all over the back of the little booth area and Myrna’s arms.

“Shouldn’t you give them a little more air now and then? Why keep the hood up anyway?”

“Because Twilight is afraid of snakes, and I can’t prank her with them if she gets acclimated.”

I give her a hug. “I’m soooo glad you ended up here and not somewhere else on the planet.”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure my hair would deal with saltwater well.” Myrna ‘fluffs’ one of the snakes, as if it was a curl of hair. The snake appears unamused, but they always look like that. The largest of the snakes, a bright emerald green anaconda, has decided to settle its five-foot self onto my shoulders.

“Looks like your ‘roommate’ likes me.” I say giving her a grin. “Do I need the other’s approval as well, or do you get veto power?”

Myrna looks over at the longer snake and immediately flushes. “Oh, I’m so sorry. the big one keeps laying on everyone.” she begins to carefully extricate me from the snake’s coils.

“Aw, now I don’t feel special.” I say, feigning sadness. I‘m getting kinda hungry, and I wonder where the waiter is. I look around for a pony with a platter or a suit or some kind of uniform. Almost immediately, an earth pony in a white dress stamped with the restaurant’s logo shows up.

I take the menu she places in front of us. “I don’t want anything special to drink, I’ll just have some ice water.” The pony nods, avoiding eye contact with Myrna. However, she doesn’t look nervous or anything, just that she’s trying not to look Myrna in the eyes. Strange, last I knew, she could control it as long as she isn’t scared...

I flip through the menu and look for anything that wasn’t super fancy. Or at least something with chicken in it.

Sure enough, I find a Ceaser Salad. Oh god, the puns again. Moving on, I keep looking through the dinners section. I’m not a big fan of uncooked veggies.

I see that there’s chicken cordon blue, and I’m sure there’s a pun or something in another language hidden in it. However, it seems the safest option, tied with a turkey pot-pie. At least the gryphons seem to have good taste in their edible birds. I decide that I’d go with the Chicken Cordon Blue. Even if the name is weird, I’m sure the dish itself is fine.

A few moments later, the waitress comes back, bearing a tray with a glass of water, and something Myrna had ordered as just ‘the usual’. It kinda makes me wonder how often she eats here. Then again, when your mouth is full of razor-blade teeth, there aren’t many places you can go without freaking out everyone. And the inability to properly grind vegetables.

Either way though, Myrna and I take the time to order or meals. To my surprise, Myrna orders a roast turkey. Just... the entire turkey. The waitress doesn’t bat an eye at the request, wishes us well on our date, and leaves. Oh wait, yeah, hundred-plus foot snake-body. Must need a lot of food for... date!?

“Uh, Myrna, this isn’t an actual date, right? I mean...” I look at her, and see that her face is covered by a shroud of her fingers and snakes, but I catch glimpses of a fiery red blush through the coverage. The gorgon squeaks with embarrassment.

“Just say if it is or isn’t, alright? I don’t mind either way, I’m just saying...” I pause and remember our conversation earlier and I grin. “You like me, don’t you?”

“I- ah, well... I don’t really know you, but... I... I would like to know you.”

Chapter 85

“I- ah, well... I don’t really know you, but... I... I would like to know you.” Myrna said, sounding a little choked behind her wall of hands and scales.

“Well then.” I lean my head on my hand, propped up on the table. “What do you want to know?”

“Ah, uhm... I- I dunno, just...” Myrna can’t seem to speak so well anymore, and she’s starting to retreat into her hoodie like a turtle into its shell. Even though, biologically speaking, turtles can’t and the rumor is just cartoon bullshit. As long as I don’t think too much about her liking me, and I keep up the ‘cool, suave’ attitude, I won’t end up an embarrassed gibbering idiot. I learned my lesson in High School.

Of course, it seems that Myrna has the ‘gibbering mess’ end of things pretty completely, babbling out the beginnings to a dozen or more questions, but never fully asking any of them.

“Myrna, I guarantee you there is no question you could ask that would make me like you any less... That came out wrong. I mean I’ll still like you no matter what you say. But if ya wanna leave the friendzone, ya gotta try to, first.” I keep my smirk. All I have to do is play the ‘cool’ role and I’ll be just fine. Do not think about what being in a relationship would be like. It’s not happening yet... or at all... or... keep grinning!

Myrna smiles from behind her covering, and her snakes slowly slither out from in front of her face, the heavy serpentine hair going back to coiling on nearby surfaces. “I- well, uh, I guess the first thing I should ask is ‘how old are you actually’.” Myrna blushes again.

“I am...” I think about it. “My age might be off by a few months because of Wonderland, but if I’m right, I should be about 21 and a half as of... next Friday?”

Myrna nods. “Ah, well, what are your hobbies? I like to paint, and I guess I’m good at sculpting now.”

“Well, there are my human hobbies that ended when I left Earth... Guess I have a few new ones now. Had to give up videogames, but I still get to read. Unfortunately since these ponies have their own comic series’, I don’t have the ability to apply the vast knowledge I have of them. And I used to like science a lot... but here in magic ponyland where they’ve never even heard of, or considered, the big bang... yeah, science isn’t fun. They don’t even think electrons exist. It’s all, “magic” this and “magic” that...” I shut up once I realize that I’m ranting.

Myrna looks a little surprised at my vehemence, but I reign it in and she smiles again. “Well... I happen to like mac and cheese with pepper and salsa in it. It’s my favorite food. What about you?” she asks.

“Well... I like all kinds of stuff. I’m not picky except for a few things. I’m not a fan of many vegetables, especially uncooked. I’m fine with practically any form of meat or pasta. And hotdogs. I mean that could be considered meat, but... who knows what’s really in those things” I give a grin at the joke.

Myrna laughs. “Well, I’ve also always liked pasta, too. Especially rigatoni, the really big noodles, in an alfredo sauce.” Myrna stops for a moment. “Er, that is, uh...”

It takes me a moment before I remember that rigatoni are really large noodles.

“Yeah, like snakes and pasta are related.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not gonna run around calling you a cannibal. Technically you wouldn’t be, even if you ate real snakes. Or a human... ‘cause you’re a gorgon. Cannibalism refers to eating others of the exact same species and...” I facepalm. I’m rambling again, and Myrna is looking less happy. Come on man, play it cool!

“Anyway, I guess my diet also includes sugar. I’ve got a sweet-tooth the size of Olympus Mons.”

Myrna brightens up again, snickering. “I’ve never really been much of a sugar-addict, but my b-” Myrna stops, face falling for a moment. Her voice goes quieter. “M- my brother used to.”

“Yeah, demons, I understand... kinda. Okay, not really, but I’m sure it’s hard.”

Myrna nods, and leans towards me. She may be almost half again as large, scaled up, as I am, but I can still understand her need to not be alone at the moment.

“Anyhow, what’s it like back in Oh-Sixteen? Well, was, I mean.”

“Oh, y’know, flying cars and robot butlers.” Myrna snarks. “Oh, and everyone’s farts smell like roses now. Wanna whiff?”  Myrna grins for a moment, then realizes what she just said, and puts her hands back up to her face.

“Smooth one. Anyhow, I’m sure that if we don’t have flying cars in 2014, ‘16 wouldn’t be that much more advanced. But I still wish we had hoverboards. I can’t believe Back to the Future lied to us!” I say, faking a pout.

Myrna nods, and I smile in return. Finally, the meal arrives, cutting our conversation short for the moment. A large, dome-covered platter is set in front of Myrna, the cover lifted off to reveal a huge turkey, at least twenty or so pounds.

In front of me, a smaller plate is set in front me, with what looks like a chicken breast, rice, and sauce... all varying shades of blue.

Chicken.

Cordon.

Blue.

It’s supposed to be chicken cordon bleu, not... damnit. I sigh and try it anyway, it shouldn’t taste wrong just because it looks wrong, right?

Thankfully, it doesn’t taste any different than it should, and I nearly moan out loud at the deliciousness coating my mouth. I know my eyes are probably glazed, though.

I look over at Myrna, to see how she’s eating the turkey. I almost wish I hadn’t, but at the same time, seeing her swallowing a twenty-pound turkey whole is really freakin’ cool.

“Heh, didn’t mention you had a quadrate bone too. Neat.”

Myrna gives me a strange look, the last of the turkey sliding into her gullet. She winces and looks uncomfortable for several moments, and I watch as her ribcage expands to allow the passage of the large fowl. The expansion causes certain ‘assets’ to become more pronounced.

“The uh... quadrate bone is the... uh, part of the snake’s mouth that let’s it take big things... I mean swallow big things!” I feel my own face beginning to go red.

Myrna chuckles weakly, and she leans back, giving a slightly unhappy-sounding moan. She also covers her face with an arm. “Ugh... that always feels so weird... but it’s nice to know your mind is in the gutter, too.”

“...” I have nothing to say, nor do I want to say anything. I’ve already failed my ‘playing cool’ trick, and my brain is going to screw up again, I just know it. I just continue eating my meal, oddly colored or not, it’s delicious.

Myrna leans towards me, practically laying across me as I eat. “Guh... I don’t know what my insides look like anymore, but that always leaves me feeling so sleepy...” Myrna yawns into my shoulder, her snakes laying on me too. “Sooo glad I only eat once a week...”

“You realize that eating a large amount of turkey on a mostly-empty stomach is a one-way trip to nap-time, right? It’s all the-”

“No ‘s not... Mythbusters disproved that...” Myrna mutters from my back. “Did a whole... whole episode ‘bout thanksgiving. Didja know... snake doesn’t taste like chicken? ‘S spicier...” Myrna giggles, getting more comfortable on my back. This seems less like ‘tired’ and more like ‘sleepy drunk’.

“Actually, it’s true that an entire Thanksgiving meal doesn’t make you tired, because there’s other food to balance out the serotonin that comes from the tryptophan in the turkey. A whole turkey all by itself will make you tired.”

Myrna shakes her head. “Mnuh... mnuh-uh...” I think she’s started snoring, and she’s actually pretty heavy.

“Alright, if you say so. Hey, if you’re gonna sleep, don’t squoosh me!” Myrna doesn’t respond beyond wrapping her arms around me like I’m a giant teddy bear. I sigh and go intangible, slipping right through her and standing up. “Seriously, I’m not sure if they mind you sleeping in the restaurant, but I’m not super weight-resistant.”

“M- ‘m not fat...”

“No, you’re heavy. There’s a huge difference. Also, if you fall asleep, then I’m gonna leave, just so you know, that means you’re paying the bill for both of us.” I leave out the part that I don’t have money anyways.

Myrna raises her head, blinking slowly. “Right... sorry... just so... so tired.” She yawns again, and pulls some bits out of her hoodie pocket, and puts them on the table. She picks me up and begins sweeping out of the restaurant, moving us both along the ground at high speed. Well, not as fast as I can go, but nearly at twenty miles an hour or so.

Within a minute or two, we’ve arrived at the library, and Myrna slides in a large spiral around the trunk to climb it, grabbing it with her snake-muscles to ascend. Finally, she curls around me, much more gently than before, and slumps against a large branch high in the tree, asleep as she lays there. The rest of her body looks like it’s coiling up into a large pancake shape, draped over the massive branch, though how it can hold the weight of her massive, serpentine body is beyond me. Magic, I suppose.

Also, the way she’s wrapped up around me feels like a sort of heavy sleeping bag. Guess I’m not going anywhere soon, so I just decide that I should take a nap. Not many other options, and if I risk ghosting through her again, I’d be falling off the tree onto the ground. Nope.

I just find a way I can use her body as a pillow and drift off.

Chapter 86

I wake up, pleasantly ensconced in a gentle sort of warmth, my head settled in the perfect crease in my pillow. It’s so wonderful to have such a wonderfully soft, firm pillow, contoured to my head after sleeping on it so long.

I get ready to try falling asleep again when my bedcovers shift, and I feel an arm drape itself over my back, a hand completely covering my shoulder blade.

Huh... oh, right. Myrna. Yeup, she likes me. I suppose I like her too, but... I guess I just have to get used to the whole ‘snake’ thing. I do my best to turn so I’m facing her and then I realize what the wonderfully-comfortable cushion my head is resting on. Or rather, somewhat between. Awkwaaaaaard... Though not entirely unpleasant... brain, this is not the time!

My brain retorts, But it’s certainly the place!

Goddamnit, brain. Come on, what can I even do anyway? She’s huge and I’m practically immobile at the moment!

I feel Myrna shift, her chest rising as she takes in a large breath. Unfortunately for me, this means I’m more or less sliding down her, which brings unfortunately-worded possibilities immediately to mind.

“Hey, Myrna... you awake?” Part of me hopes she isn’t, because then she wouldn’t be doing this on purpose.

“mmmph... wha?” She yawns hugely, by which I mean I get a good look at twin rows of needle-sharp teeth on either side of her mouth, each set curved to point toward her throat. “Whozzair?” She blinks owlishly, before looking down and seeing I’m rather stuck in her embrace.

“The guy you had dinner with, semi-kidnapped, and then took home, genius.” I say, half jokingly, half annoyed. As long as I act somewhat unimpressed with the situation, she won’t get any ideas...

Almost immediately, she sits up more fully, dumping me on her ‘lap’ of coils. “Ohmigosh, I’m so sorry!” Myrna almost immediately picks me up, gently, and starts her way down the tree. Just like last night, it’s rather like a super-cool carnival ride, like a spiralling roller-coaster. I’m going down a spiral at almost twenty miles an hour. It is awesome.

“I don’t mind hugs or anything, but I think I draw the line at ‘restrictive hape’.”

“Hape?” Myrna gives me a puzzled look as she sets me down.

“Nonconsensual hugging. Like rape, but with cuddles.” Myrna flinches at the comparison, physically withdrawing away from me. Maybe that was a bit of a harsh wording...

“Seriously, I don’t mind as long as you ask first, alright? You need a bit more self control when you’re entering a food-coma.”

Myrna blushes, still looking rather upset. “Sorry... And I forgot about the whole falling asleep thing. I was out looking for you all morning, then I had to come and get you, and-” Myrna trails off, still looking embarrassed and guilty.

“And then we went out on a date where you ate an entire turkey, acted drunk, took me home, and zonked out.” Myrna covers her face, her snakes even grabbing her hoodie and drawing it over her head. Wow, that’s some coordination. And embarrassment

“Again, I don’t really mind as long as you tell me about your ‘after-dinner plans’ alright?” I step closer to her. “You’re very comfy, by the way.” If I can make my second ‘cool/suave’ attempt work, I might actually get a girlfriend finally! I just have to not screw up.

... I just realized how desperate that line of thought sounds. Ah well, I am the last guy on this earth. I can’t have too big a disadvantage, right?

Either way, I think I may have accidentally set Myrna’s face on fire, with the way she’s blushing a bright red that turns to an impressive, almost-luminous green where the blush runs under the scales. As well, she looks so cute when she’s flu-

-stered. Woah, when did I get into the library? And I’m wet, too. “What the heck?”

Twilight looks up from the couch. “Oh, goody, the potion was just slow this time. You should be more careful, and nicer! Myrna said you were teasing her.” Twilight gives me a squinty look that I think is meant to be a glare.

“Well, I can’t help it if I have so much charisma that I can make her lose control, Miss Magicless. How’s life with a useless horn, by the by?”

Twilight’s horn glows, and she gives me a telekinetic jab in the chest, which kinda hurts. “The effect, whatever it was, disappeared as soon as I left Wunderland. No thanks to you.” Wow, is she bitter about that?

“And what’s to say you’d also return to normal size? You were smaller than a pocket-watch, or did you forget?”

“Size-changing isn’t too hard. And by the way, I asked Princess Luna about something, and I’d like to give you a taste of what I went through from that.” Before I can do anything, her horn and my hands glow, before my hands disappear completely. “The spell will give out at midnight. Have fun.” Wow, she is bitter! Wait, I don’t have hands now...

“Twilight, you are good, but you forget how resourceful humans are. Plenty of people are born without arms or legs due to birth defects, and they manage their entire lives. I can deal until midnight.”

“Oh, good. Because you have plenty of chores to do today. You made that deal with Spike to take one day of his chores in return for help with pranking me, remember? I may have convinced him to take today off.” Twilight looks at me smugly.

“You’re going to have to do better than that. What’s first?”

Twilight sets  pook onto the six-foot stack of other books next to her, reclines on the couch, and grins at me. “Reshelve the library by the Melshin-Western sorting code.”

“That’d be great. I’d get started right away. Except I don’t have any idea what that is. I can use the Dewey-Decimal system, though.” I pray that they don’t know what that is.

“Well, I don’t know what that is, but you sort in Melshin-Western by subject, then by author’s name. Or is that too hard for someone with no hands?”

“Hah, you think you can beat me? Look, I’ve gone two minutes without my usual means of manipulating objects and I’m still not a somber pocket-rider.”

“Great! Oh, and when you’re done taking care of reshelving the main library, you’ll need ot get the Almanac collection put up on the top shelves again. I had a reading spree last night. Careful, though, those’re fourteen pounds apiece!” She sounds all too chipper about this. Still, it’s a challenge I can rise to!

“Oh, and you’ll need to go help Fluttershy after you’re done here, she’s taking looking after Anne and needs your help, just to get some of the basics down.”

“Sie sind ein schleimiger Hündin.” I say with a pleasant, toothy grin. If she doesn’t know Gryphon, then she can’t understand German. She just waves at me, pulling yet another book off the top shelf to look at.

It does take a while, but eventually I finish. Although my arms were the most dextrous part of my body did not change how flexible the rest of my body could be. Also, it might take a while to get the taste of ‘book’ out of my mouth. But my job is done and I’m off to see Fluttershy... after a trip to get some more coal.

I tried to speed up, but after falling on my face and having to get up twice, I decided I used my arms for balance more than I realized.

“Oh, you’re done reshelving? Good, there’s still fifteen more things on Spike’s chore list, which is yours for the day. It’s much too bad you had to get them today, this is when all his weekly chores cycled back in!” She chuckles, just like she did when I fell on my face the second time. “Now, you need to sweep in here, do the dishes, clean the bathroom, and dust the shelves and furniture. I’ll give you the rest of the chores after that.”

I stifle a groan. This would be so much faster if I had the coal, at least.

All fifteen chores are finished, and it’s only about one o’clock! Ha! Even Spike normally takes until three. With hands. Of course, I don’t think Twilight thought I’d just burn the crud off the ceramic and metal dishes. Meh, it saved a half-hour, minimum. Dusting was a bit hard, but I managed well enough. As for cleaning the bathroom... that is better left unmentioned.

I head off to the train station, but it seems that there are no trains today for some reason. I didn’t bother asking. This will not stop me. I may be dealing with a whole bunch of difficulties, but I will not crack!

No matter how dependant I am on my arms, I will prove that my willpower is still far beyond that of the star pupil of the greatest mage in the world.

Or I just haven’t dealt with a hard enough task and once I do encounter it, I will start crying on the floor rolling around without arms. Huh, I was wondering where my paranoia went to all day.

Sighing, I trudged towards Fluttershy’s house, only to get thrown to the ground as Scootaloo, riding her scooter and towing a wagon filled with fillies, slams into me. Not only is there pain all up and down my shins, but without my hands, I kinda scraped up my cheeks and nose. A lot.

In what I assume is a very humorous display, I roll myself onto my stomach, curl my knees, roll back onto them and stand up from my kneeling position. The girls are laughing, but I feel rather accomplished.

Scootaloo, though comes over and noses one of the bleeding cuts on my shins. “I- I’m so sorry, Anthony!” she’s going koosh again, which actually helps my mood a little.

“Heh, I’ve had worse. It’s just a flesh wound.” I say, grinning that I finally get to use the line. “Seriously, this isn’t a big deal, though it is interesting since Twilight figured I should try getting by without arms. I think I’m doing pretty good so far.”

“Without yer arms? Why’re ya doin’ that?” Applebloom asks, looking confused. In the wagon with her are Sweetie Belle and Noi, the little orange filly apparently inducted into whatever scheme they’re enacting this time.

“Because I gave Twilight a hard time when she couldn’t use magic in Wonderland. She was really whiny about it, so she figured I’d be just as useless without arms. Shows how much she knows about human adaptability!” The smug grin not leaving my face. “So where are you th- four off to?”

“We’re gonna get our cutie-marks!” Sweetie Belle says, hopping in place.

“Yeah,” Scootaloo says, beaming at me, “Noi said that her mom distills stuff, and makes things that ponies wanna buy. So we’re gonna distill some apples, and try to sell it! there’s, like, three chances for cutie-marks right there!”

The other two nod, though Noi appears just to sorta be in for the ride. She looks up at me with big eyes. “Are you alright, Mister Anthony?”

“Yeah I’m fine but, uh... distilling fruit of any kind to a point where it’s something people wanna pay a lot of money for takes a long time. You’d need a lot of fruit, too. If it really is your talent, you’d have to wait a long time to find out.”

The four fillies look down, giving a chorus of heart-rending, disappointed ‘awww...’ noises. Noi looks back up at me. “So... you’re not running away? ‘Cuz Diamond Tiara said you ran away from the Smooze, but I said you wouldn’t, and then Diamond Tiara called me a skinny blank-flank, and, uhm, I kinda... hit her.”

“Alright, I’m going to cover a few things. Yes I did run, but only from the Smooze. The Smooze is gone now, so I’m not running anymore. The only reason I ran was because I couldn’t hurt it, but it could hurt me. I only ran away so that I wouldn’t be... hurt really bad.”

I pause to let the info sink in. Cowardice and strategic retreat are very different. I continue. “Also, hitting is never okay unless it’s in self-defense. Hurting others because you’re mad at them is not a good thing to do. Use words instead like ‘At least I’m not a fat pink pig who has to look pretty to get friends.’ or something. The more creative you are, the better it is. If she hits you for that, then she gets in trouble.” I am absolutely the worst role model in history.

“B- but she is bigger than me.” Noi says, looking sad. “I am skinny...” almost immediately, Sweetie and Applebloom hug Noi, before I need to interject.

“So? Where I come from, skinny is good. Or at least, it’s supposed to make you more attractive.”

The fillies all make weird faces at me, except for Scootaloo who starts going koosh again. seriously, what is that filly is trying to do?

“But Anthony,” Noi starts, “Howzat make sense?” All the fillies look confused. I really don’t want to discuss topics that would likely lead to such concepts as fetishes and the like, but I can’t just not answer, not with all four adorable faces looking at me like that.

“No idea at all, it’s just how it works for humans. But being skinny is also practical. The rounder you are, the easier it is to roll you down a flight of stairs.” I give an evil grin. “Not that I’m telling you to do that... just saying you could...” I wink. The fillies seem more unsettled than interested though.

“Okay, fine, if fat is beautiful here, then fine. Also, size doesn’t matter. It’s how smart you are. But if Diamond Tiara keeps giving you trouble, you just let me know, okay?”

The foals nod, and Noi pipes up again. “I heard daddy say, once, that he liked mommy because he can bounce his rocks off her flanks. But he doesn’t have any rocks.” I try to maintain a straight face. From the mouths of babes...

“Yes well, adults say a lot of things you don’t understand. We’re weird like that. Anyhow, good luck with your marks and all, but try something a bit more practical, alright? Just because it’s imaginative doesn’t mean it’s your special talent.”

The fillies nod, and Scootakoosh begins revving her wings like a little engine, and the four of them take off, bouncing on the little divots and potholes in the road.

My shins hurt.

Chapter 87

I continue on my armless way to Fluttershy’s cottage, just following the road. I’m starting to get the hang of moving without arms, but I don’t think I wanna try going too fast. On a side note, I am insanely glad I no longer seem to need bathroom breaks. Not entirely sure why, but hey, magic. Whatcha gonna do?

I’m passing through the market when I hear, “Hey, Anthony! Catch!” I turn in time to get pegged by an apple to the face, and the lightly acidic juice trickles into my face-cuts from the road.

“Thanks.” I say sarcastically, fighting off the urge to yell from the noticeable amount of pain.

“Sorry, sugarcube.” Applejack calls out from her market stall looking sheepish. “Why didn’tcha catch- wait, what happened to yer arms?”

“Twilight removed them because she thinks that I can’t get along any better than she could without magic. I’ve so far spent most of the day proving her wrong.”

“Uh... huh...” Applejack looks at me intently. “Y’know... y’all should prolly just apologize. Unicorns c’n get pretty prissy ‘bout their magic. Same way y’ don’t mess with an earth pony’s plot.”

“Sure I could apologize, but she’s prissy enough with her magic. I just see this as my way of proving humans are just as able as ponies when they’re disabled.”

“Yeah, but... y’ aren’t disabled, partner. Yer just hobbled.” Applejack sighs and shakes her head. “But, seein’ as how I know you, an’ I know Rainbow Dash, an’ I know how similar the two of y’are, I doubt ah c’n change yer mind on this.” Applejack chuckles. “Try not to git yerself killed, Handy.”

“Ha! Yeah, like anything is gonna attack while I’m like this. My bad karma has already caught up with me until I do something mean again.”

“Like try to get around...” I don’t quite hear her.

“Huh? What did you say?”

“Nothin’ partner. You have a nice time. Oh, Fluttershy was lookin’ fer you earlier, y’ might wanna go see what she needed.”

“Funny, seeing her was next on my list of things to do today. Anyhow, I’ll cya later. And don’t worry, I still have decent balance.” As if to punish me for mocking it, Murphy’s Law tripped me as I turned, my feet skidding out from under me, the juices from the apple on the ground -along with a copious amount of dust- got into my eyes.

I proceed to get up as I did earlier, chewing lightly on the inside of my cheek to keep from yelling in pain. “I alsho... veh-hy reshourshfu.”

I hear Applejack chuckle, a sound mimicked by some of the less timid vendors in the marketplace. After I get myself back to my feet, I attempt to saunter off, the seemingly-unconcerned action only marred by the apple bits falling from or stuck to my face.

Finally, I make it to the path in front-ish of Fluttershy’s house, and I begin walking down the little road. t may be winding, but it’s a nice walk, with the musical tweeting of the birds and the gentle humming of the bees...

I feel a bee land on my chest. It’s an adorable little bumblebee, with exceptionally cartoony-looking features. It’s almost impossible looking, except for the fact that it is a pretty normal bee, other than the larger-than-normal proportions and the fact that it would be the size of my thumb if I still had one.

I gently swivel my torso back and forth and shake the bee off. I get an idea for a prank. I could find some sort of red liquid, get it onto the stubs of my shoulders and say they got bit off by something.

It’d look pretty believable... but I probably shouldn’t do anything like that to Fluttershy. Maybe Rainbow Dash... I’ll wait for later though. For the moment, my goal is to get inside before more bees come for the sugary applejuice on my face.

As if on cue, a pair of bees fly up, and I swear one begins gesturing to the other with its forelegs. I must’ve been out in the sun too long... or they’re magic bees. I hope they’re not magic bees.

Anyhow, they probably get a surprise when I Spark up and go intangible. No arms doesn’t mean no powers. Can’t land on stuff that isn’t solid! Unless you’re a water-strider or... any number of things... none of them are bees though.

The two bees fly towards me, and I look at them. One phases through my eyes, which is easily the weirdest, most disturbing thing I’ve ever felt. shaking my head, I then watch as the bees fly off. A few feet towards Fluttershy’s house, and a large number of bees have shown up, all of them watching as the bee that I assume is the one from before demonstrates flying through my shoulder. The bees make little applauding motions.

Great, I’m a circus act. For sentient bees. Unfortunately, these insect are also abnormally fuzzy. And fuzz is flammable. I enter my heat form and use the resulting flames to scare off the bees.

Instead, the little insects begin applauding more, keeping pace with me but moving back a bit. At least they aren’t dive-bombing through me any- wait, they’re holding up judging panels? And I only got a six from the third of the judges? I did better than that.

“How do you like this, then?” I proceed to turn myself from ‘walking bonfire’ to ‘living bug-zapper’.

This gets a pair of tens again, and only a pitiful increase to seven from the third judge. Who does this bee think he is? Simon Combmell... damnit now I’m making the puns! The bees depart before I reach Fluttershy’s house, and I realize I didn’t so much as stumble once while walking distracted by the bees. Huh.

I knock on the door with the side of my heel. It’s not hard, but it’s a little hard to keep balance for a few moments. The door opens after a moment, and Fluttershy peeks out from under the bottom half of the dutch door. “O- oh! Anthony, come on in.” She opens the door top and bottom.

I oblige as she opens the door. Once I’m inside, Fluttershy gets another look at my armless body, this time she seems to notice what’s missing. A huge gasp rocks her body, and her eyes roll up into her head. She falls over sideways in a dead faint.

I sigh. “Of course...” I should move her to the couch, but that’s rather hard at the moment, so I just kneel down and get into a cross-legged sit and I wait for the pegasus to come around.

Before she does, Anne steps into view, moving like an ostrich or crane, her wings slightly spread for balance. Thankfully for me, she’s wearing a shirt, though the white material isn’t quite opaque enough to not make it awkward. Still, she looks almost as shocked as Fluttershy. Almost, because she doesn’t faint.

“It’s temporary. I get them back at midnight. Twilight thinks I can’t manage without arms, so she took ‘em away to spite me. I’m actually doing rather well.”

Anne blinks a couple of times, before the shock erases itself from her visage. “Oh, alright. Well, uhm... I can still kinda lift with my wings, I’ll get miss Fluttershy onto the couch.”

The harpy holds out her bronze wings, feathers interlacing into something like a hammock as she lifts Fluttershy. The pony is deposited onto the couch, and Anne’s feathers slide apart with a whisper of metal on metal. She steps onto a large branch on a stand, perching on it like a bird of prey. Which, I guess, she kinda is. I honestly didn’t notice the talon feet until now... don’t know why... odd.

“So yeah, Twi thinks I’m just as useless without arms as she is without magic. Getting around is annoying at worst, and that’s my only real problem.”

Anne looks down at her wings. “But your arms come back at midnight... right? Just poof and they’re back?”

“I have no idea. I suppose so. Anyway, yeah, no real complaints about it. Twilight clearly has no idea how adaptable I can be. Sure I had a few accidents on the way here, but I’m still just fine.”

Anne looks up at me, her eyes solid orbs of bronze, a vaguely molten look to them. “But what if they were never coming back, or didn’t know if they ever would? If there was the chance you’d never have them again?”

“Well, the thought crossed my mind, and I decided that if that did happen... hey, I could get used to it in time. Plenty of cripples live pretty normal lives without arms, so why can’t I learn how?”

Pensively, the harpy crosses her wings in front of her, then puts them at her sides. “Yeah. I suppose.” She sounds pretty melancholy.

“So what’s been happening with you?”

“I’m learning how to use my wings, since I’ll never have arms again.”

Oh. Yeah, I guess I didn’t pick up on what her questions meant. “Well, hey, if you can fly, that’s one you got over me, even with arms.”

Anne chuckled in a hollow, sad-sounding way. “Yeah... Fluttershy offered to help me learn what the parts of the wings are called, at least. My wings, that is.”

“Hey, if she can get an injured bird flying in under a week, she can certainly help you. Come on, I’m sure that even without real arms, you can do tons of stuff! I’ve seen crows do some impressive stuff, and I’m willing to bet a billion dollars I don’t have that you’re smarter than a crow.” I give her a smile.

Anne smiles, and I see a blueish blush spread on her cheeks, surrounded by a slight bronze ‘haze’ on her skin. “Heh, thanks... My parents say, uh, said I’m pretty smart.” her smile turns brittle at the mention of her parents, and I see a tear begin to trail down her cheek.

“Hey, it’s alright you miss your folks, I certainly do, but... you don’t have to be sad. We’re your friends and family now.” I pause. “In some cases, too much like a family.”

Anne’s smile returns to its previous luster, though she’s still blushing. Her eyes have turned back to normal, and she’s got very pretty eyes. The color keeps changing, though, through a whole plethora of metallic shades. “Ah, uhm... so, Fluttershy needed help figuring out what I needed around here, but I think she’s too shy to ask.” she giggles, her smile a little shy herself.

“What do you mean? Like, to eat, to sleep, to do all day?”

“Uhm, yeah... and things like, uhm... clothes. There’s no bras here, and these’re so heavy... it’s kinda painful when they move, they weren’t anywhere near this big on earth.”

“Yeah.... ponies don’t even really have underwear, either. They consider it to be used for.... intimate appearance.” Anne blushes a lightly shaded cyan as she realizes the implications. She’s also leaning more towards me than before.

“Yeah... but Rarity is great with clothing. Just uh, explain the general shape and purpose and she can make just about anything. She also has practice with human girls... the reason for this I’d rather explain later.”

Anne nods, and opens her mouth the say something. Before she can, we both jump a little as we hear a cooing noise. In unison, we turn to see fluttershy looking utterly delighted and holding her hooves to her face.

“Oooh, you two look so cute together!”

Chapter 88

“Uh, cute?” I shift a bit, still in my sitting position. “Nah, come on, I just want her to feel welcome, I’m not...”

Anne peeks at me from the side of her eyes, looking a little hurt. I’m not trying to reject her, just...

Fluttershy, apparently oblivious to the two of us, just squees, the sound shrill enough that it should hurt, but quiet enough to not quite hurt. Mostly, it just leaves my ears feeling funny.

I sigh. “Really, I’m fine with just friends, I’m already dealing with enough romantic issues as it stands.”

Fluttershy ignores me, fluttering over on quiet wings, as silent as an owl. “Oh, I think you two will do so well together. Oh! You two should have a picnic! I’ll get the food packed.” Before I can say anything more, she practically zooms towards the kitchen.

I’m about to bury my face in my hands, but I remember I can’t. So I resort to just hanging my head and closing my eyes. “I’m sorry about this Anne, I never pegged Fluttershy to be the kind to... you know.”

“Well... you did kinda rescue me, it’s not that far-fetched. And, uh, you’re really nice when you’re not tired.” She smiles broadly at me, her blush still firmly in place.

“Anne, I blew a demons head off, and saved one town. Now I get fan mail from other cities asking for marriage or just a chance to get in bed with me. Just because I save someone doesn’t mean I want to date them!”

Anne looks contemplative. “So... you’re, like, a hero then?” She looks at me, her blush a little faded.

“Ponies sure seem to think so. I suppose I am, but not like most heroes. I’m more like the Punisher than Superman.”

Anne thinks it over, and while she does, Fluttershy re-enters the living room. “Alright, I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I got together a large salad, some spaghetti, a fish brulee, and I made some pudding!” Fluttershy beams at the two of us, her eyes flickering back and forth between us.

“If we do this, ‘Shy, will you please drop it?”

“If I drop the basket, the food would get ruined! Silly.” Fluttershy hands the basket to Anne, who takes it in her wings. “Now, shoo! Out the back, there’s plenty of space for a picnic out there.” Before I can protest, the pony pushes me and Anne outside, something that surprises me a little because the pegasus hardly seems to weigh anything when I carried her.

“Great.” I say, rolling my eyes. “We’ve been Fluttershipped...” I get up and follow after Anne. While getting up isn’t hard without arms, it certainly involves more rolling.

We step outside, and I head towards the little hill that Fluttershy indicates. within moments, the buttery-colored pegasus has dived into a bush and is doing a terrible job of watching us sneakily. I have to wonder, does she do this when she finds animals that are maybe compatible?

I wonder if she watches them while they... reproduce. Fluttershy is suddenly a lot more... disturbing to me. Anyway, I turn to Anne and wait for her to set up the picnic as best she can with her wings.

Surprisingly, she seems to be able to scoop and move the various little parts of the picnic, including a fairly substantial bowl for the salad. It really only makes sense that there’s so much salad; omnivores or not, ponies are still mostly herbivorous.

Once everything is set out, I carefully sit down. Whether this is a date or not doesn’t matter, I don’t want to look like a moron toppling over while trying to sit.

“So Anne, how’s it going getting acclimated to Ponyville?”

“Well, it’s actually going alright... but it’s only been one day. Well, not even, really. Uhm... so what’s it like, living here?” Anne at least seems interested in holding a conversation.

“Well, as a human... strange. First of all, if you don’t duck every once in a while, you’ll hit your head on a doorframe. Though I guess that won’t be a problem for you. I still don’t know why I never got the ability to shrink.”

Anne shrugs, the motion causing her, ah, chest to rise and move in ways about as interesting as a lava lamp’s. “Why am I a harpy that turns into metal?”

“Same reason Myrna’s a Gorgon with stone-manipulation and I’m a living star. Hell if I know.”

Anne giggles slightly, and straightens up a little, looking with intent at the fish she’d set in front of her. “How do we eat this?”

“Discard manners, acquire food.” I proceed to shift my weight, pushing myself forward and I land face-first in the salad.

I begin to munch on the plain leaves of lettuce and... daisies? Spitting a bit, I’m pretty sure daisies aren’t human-edible. They don’t taste bad, but I don’t know about eating them.

“Okay.” I say, probably muffled by the bowl. “Ponies eat actual flowers. Weird. I have a feeling the pudding could get messy though.” I return to eating, using my tongue to shift aside any flowers.

“Uhm, here, give me a moment, I’ll help you eat.” Anne reaches under me, lifting me away from the bowl of lettuce. “After all, it’s not cheating to get help from a friend, right?” She smiles at me.

“Nope, and it’s only cheating if you get caught anyway.” Anne giggles, and spears a chunk of greens with a feathertip, lifting it towards my mouth. Eh, it’s no different than eating off a knife, I suppose.

“So yeah, the ponies are nice and all, but pretty harmless. They’re certainly not stupid, but they are still rather... technologically simple. Wait, where and when did you come from?”

“Ah, I came from earth.” Anne looks uncomfortable. I just stare at her.

“No. Really?”

“Well... yeah. Didn’t you?” Anne looks at me curiously. “I’m from washington, you know where that is?”

“I lived in Everett before I wound up here, yes I know Washington. Now how about a ‘when’?”

“Idunno the year... the demons knocked out power near seattle pretty quickly, and my family... uh, I got away in time, but a ton of people didn’t.” She shakes herself, making a sound like a handful of silverware being rattled. “I started taking spots high up, to keep me away from the roaming ones on the ground. There’s this big crevasse near ninety-second street from where one of the big ones came out, and I started living on the cliff there.”

“Well, I never met any demons until I ended up here. Demons might be coming to this planet, but I’ve only fought one in the last year or so.”

“Only one? Wow... they’re so scary, and they’ve done such terrible things...” Anne trails off, and it looks like she’s tearing up.

“They’re demons, what do you expect? They aren’t Care Bear Advocates, that’s for sure. Come on, it seems that I can take on anything that tries to come in through some Hell portal or whatever anyway.”

Anne smiles. “Yeah... you’re a real hero, aren’t you?” She’s starting to blush a little again, the bluish color really kinda pretty with the bronze nimbus around it. I wonder if I can get that color on purpose, it’d be a great paint color.

“Nah, you want a hero, call Sonic the Hedgehog. I’m just protecting people that aren’t able to understand the idea of killing in self defense.” Anne nods in understanding. She shifts on the blanket a little, settling into a sort of sideways-recline, before she skewers a chunk of fish and lifts it for me to eat.

I lean over and bite it off of her feather. At least some ponies don’t mind meat eaters. “So, how long do you think Flutters is gonna hide in that bush before she realizes that we aren’t gonna do anything?”

“I don’t know that she will. She reminds me of one of my f- friends... heh. She’ll probably stay over there and write down everything we do.” Anne giggles. “Ooh, I have an idea! Let’s pretend we’re, ah, getting somewhere, and let her get all flustered! She makes such adorable noises, I bet it’d be cute as hell.”

I give her my usual smirk. “I can make any girl make cute noises.”

Anne blushes, the blueish patina spreading across her face like a sudden, virulent infection. She makes an absolutely adorable squeak, drawing her wings up towards her face as she does. If she wants to do a little romantic roleplay, she should know that I never play badly... or fair.

“See, there’s one now! This would probably be easier with arms but I think I can make do.” I lean a bit closer to her, though I do lose a bit of balance. At this point, Anne is my main support against gravity.

At the last moment, she pulls her wings away, and between the hill and my lack of arms, I overbalance towards her. I plop onto her chest in what is probably the most awkward ‘happy accident’ I will ever do or be a part of. Especially seeing as how I’m very suddenly in danger of drowning in her plush breasts, the incredibly soft mounds practically swallowing my entire head.

Luckily, I can go for quite a while without air in Spark form. That suddenly has lots of non-environmental applications. I decide to reduce the awkwardness in the best way I know. Humor.

“Nice catch, there. If you wanted something, you just have to ask, you know.”

Anne has gone completely solid. As in, she’s turned to bronze, and trapped my head, which is more than slightly awkward. And not for sexy reasons, more because it’s actually kinda painful now that I can’t even turn my head.

I don’t bother with struggling, I just go intangible and phase through her, stretching my legs out and, once pulled out, right myself. “Nice booby trap.”

After a few moments, I see her start to turn back from being completely solid bronze. Almost immediately, her blush returns full-force, and she hides behind her wings.

“So if this isn’t your idea of ‘putting on a show’ then what is?”

“...” Anne seems too stunned to speak. Huh...

“Keep in mind, I won’t find you any more or less attractive no matter what happens. I can roleplay a romantic dinner with you, but it won’t change a thing.” Anne nods behind her wings.

“So, what do we do? Just start making out until Fluttershy turns her notes into a fucked-up fanfic, or what? I’m a roleplayer, not a dungeon master.”

“...” I think I broke her.

“You know, if you get embarrassed by romantic encounters, even fake ones, then why’d you suggest it?”

“...”

I can’t work with this. I just shake my head and get up. “I’m out of here. Seriously though, Anne... none of this has changed my opinion of you. If ya wanna talk later, let me know.” With that, I make my way slowly down the hill. I don’t want to fall and I’ve never been good on sloped ground anyways.

On my way out, I wonder what I’m going to do with the rest of my day. There’s not a whole lot I can do, so I decide I could go over and see if Rarity is back. Arms or not, she’s gonna spill the beans. I make my way to the Boutique, and see that it’s closed, and apparently has been for the last three days. ‘Closed on account of business trip’? And she won’t be back for a few more days, too...

She must be planning these things on purpose. I just shake my head and find a bench or something to sit on while I think of something to do. I could bug Twilight and brag about how relatively well I’m doing without arms. Nah. I just wander around town thinking of what I could do.

“Hey!”

I consider my ‘eaten arms’ prank on Rainbow, but I-

“Hey!”

I thought I heard something, but I just ignore it. It was probably just some squirrel or-

“He~ey!”

“Huh?” I look around, that was definitely a voice. I see Rainbow Dash on a cloud above me, pushing the little poof of vapor across the sky as she slides towards me through the air.

“Anthony! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“Of course you have.” I say with a cocky grin. “Whatcha need?”

“It’s not what I need! I heard you’re gonna be courting Myrna! As such, you need help from the best of the best!” Rainbow Dash puffs out her chest and gives me a cocky grin.

“But Rarity’s out of town on business.” I say with a smirk.

Rainbow Dash looks shocked for a moment, before rallying. “No, dumb-bucket, me! I’m going to get you all shaped up to court her. And, since you’re the one courting her, I’m gonna ex pasta later that earth has some crazy guys pick up girls code or something, and give you tips like you were a mare. It’s the best thing I can offer you.” Ex pasta later? Oh, extrapolate.

“Really? Wow, that must be some really weak skills you got. As for courting, it’s ambiguous who courts who. Secondly, if I needed advice or help, I’m not taking any from someone who’s not even in a relationship.”

“Hey! I’ve been in plenty of relationships. Just, y’know... none recently.”

“Yeah well, I got something to tell you about psychology. Myrna is still mentally human. If I tried to court her like a pony, it’d be like being proposed to by livestock.”

“Idunno what that means, and that means you’re trying too hard! She’s a big, athletic type of person, so you’re gonna want to start exercising immediately! The only way to really win a colt’s -or in this case, a human girl’s- affections is through conquest! I read it in a book one time. Anyways, you’ll need to be able to face all five of her trials if you want to earn her heart, like in Daring Do and the-”

“Let me guess, you have never had any idea what courtship is like for people, so you just assume it’s exactly the way you would do it. That’s racist, and where I come from, racism is a crime. On another note, I’m pretty tough already. You’d be screwed without me around.”

“Aw, come on, you ran from the Smooze!” Rainbow realizes what she said about the same time as my eyes narrow, and she literally puts a hoof in her mouth. “S- sorry! I didn’t mean it like that!”

“Just remember you and the rest of Ponyville would be demon-chow if it weren’t for me. As for the Smooze, let’s see you fight something you can’t hurt at all. Period.” Rainbow mutters something under her breath, looking both guilty and defiant. At least she’s not crumbling, the way Twi and Fluttershy do.

“So, Racist Dash, how would you go about romancing a giant, super-strong hundred-plus foot long snake lady with petrification powers? I know what I’d do, but let’s hear your idea.”

Dash cheers up almost immediately. “Alright, so the first thing you need to do is get an artifact of world-destroying power, but you gotta steal it from her. Then, you confront her over the theft, and lock eyes! But since you are in true love, you’re totally fine from her gorgon death-glare! And then, you make passionate love on her throne room floor!” Dash is putting way too much detail into this process.

I just stare at her, both confused, disgusted and just... “What the fuck?”

“It’s how Daring Do managed to both take down and seduce the Emperor of-”

“How about, just, talking to the girl and finding things you have in common? Or just being generally nice to her?”

“What? Colt’s never wanna do any of that stuff, it’s too sissy! And besides, Daring Do-”

“Is complete bullcrap and even in the case of all the other stories somehow being true, that ‘romance’ idea sounds like complete tripe. Secondly, pony guys may not like it, but thousands and thousands of years of human history says human girls like it a lot. Guys too.”

Rainbow Dash looks crushed. “Aww... So, it’s not actually helpful advice?”

“Of course not. Your ideas are awful by human standards. Stealing from someone? Calling them a thief while you stole from them... Are you stupid? That doesn’t sound like it’d work unless you wanted to get punched in the gut!”

“B- but it works for D-”

“A completely fictitious character. That author can write whatever the heck they want. Anything can happen with any result, because the author has no concept of good writing. Your little adventure hero is just a Mary-Sue with temporary minor inconveniences that are only dangerous if you aren’t her!”

Dash’s ears fold down, and she looks like she’s about to cry. “I- just...” Before anything more can be said, she spins about and zooms away, leaving a rainbow-colored streak behind her.

I sigh. This is why people shouldn’t get too invested in fiction. As fun as it is... these ponies seem like children no matter how old they are.

Chapter 89

At the moment, a cataclysmic event is on the horizon. A cosmic force is unbalanced, and will cause something catastrophic, the outcome of which will alter the universe in countless unimaginable ways.

At least I wish it was, I’m bored out of my skull. All I have to do is sit on this bench, armlessly waiting for something to happen. I think about what Rainbow Dash was talking about, how I should be ‘courting’ Myrna. I honestly don’t see why I’d need to do anything of the sort, especially not what Rainbow suggested. I get the feeling that she’s never actually had a boyfriend before.

But something does have to happen with Myrna and I, though what it is I haven’t the slightest idea. I’ve never actually been with a girl, that thing with Pinkie was... nothing like it should be. I really just had to get it out of my system. How come I only know what it shouldn’t feel like though? Even discarding the whole gorgon thing, I still don’t understand women.

I’ve had tons of lady friends on Earth, but never a romantic partner. Being friends is so much easier, and I just never bothered with trying because they were my friends and at that point, gender just stopped being important. Now here in this new world, I have a chance... two chances in fact. I mean, I suppose Anne is available as well, but for now I’ll focus on the girl who’s openly admitted interest in me.

I wouldn’t mind being with Myrna, I really do like her and she likes me... so what next? What do couples do? Spend time together? We can just do that as friends. All the usual stuff I can think of is just stuff I’d do with any of the ponies around here. I suppose I could kiss her or something, but then there’s her teeth. Just one mental image and I immediately don’t want any part of me near her mouth.

Oh man I am so bored!

With a sigh I change my position and lay down on the bench staring up at the sky. There’s really nothing to do today. Not even the distant sounds of something being broken due to the overzealous efforts of the Crusaders, because they finally chose something that involves no noise or movement at all.

If it weren’t for the fact that I’m currently missing my arms, I’d wish for something to attack the town or something. Supposedly there’s millions of demons out there, and yet I’ve seen only one. I wonder why this place isn’t demon-central anyway. With a nice, kind, happy place like this, corrupting even a small part of this world would give serious ‘Evil Points’. Not to mention Fluttershy being around makes the Ponyville area a huge target.

But there aren’t any more demons. Why? Is it hard to get here or something? If one could make it, what’s stopping the rest of those infernal psychopaths? Are we just lucky, or is it something else? One thing I do know, these ponies are relatively defenseless. They just aren’t conditioned to fight off this kind of evil. These beasts don’t reason, they don’t rest, they just kill and kill and kill, all for the sole purpose of being stronger, able to kill more efficiently.

And then there’s me. I’m supposed to protect the ponies from the evil monsters... but I’m not what I’d expect a great demon-killing warrior to look like. I don’t have any legendary armor or holy weapons, not even a bit of chainmail. Sure I have amazing powers, but in the end, I’m just as mortal as anyone else.

Hmm... maybe I can change that. I wonder if there’s a smith in town, and if not if I can get some sort of armor made for me. If Rarity could whip up clothes for me in an hour, I’m sure a master armorsmith of some kind could fix me up with some armor. I wonder what they use in place of leather armor? Or do they use leather, as apparently some earth ponies eat red meats?

One way or another, I want something that will let me walk around without sounding like I’m banging pots together. Hide armor would be a good way to go... if they have it. Who would I talk to find armor? Or, for that matter, where to find someone who can find me armor?

Possibly one of the princesses. They obviously outfit their guards with armor that’s not just for show when required, and someone has to make it... though, if they work with lighter materials is still unknown... oh well, if I have to, I could just find a way to affix some light metal to my clothes or something.

Figuring I might as well ask around Ponyville, I get up and wander around, looking for a pony that might know what I’m looking for. Okay, point in the favor of Cutie Marks, finding certain ponies by profession or skill is really darn easy.

Shooting star, roller skate, ice cream sundae, bow and arrow, grapes, cupcake, dice, snowflake, bowling pin, dragonflies, coffee mug, book, chemistry beaker, paint brush, baby bottle, pawprints, violin, typewriter, leaf, safety pin, telescope, apple core... the heck?

After wandering in circles around the town hall for a half an hour, I realize I’ve only been in the general area around each of the elements of harmony’s stomping grounds, and pretty much nowhere else in Ponyville. Oh, and Sweet Apple Acres, and the market. And the spa. That’s about it.

I need to get out more...

I see a pony with a cutie mark of a trio of horseshoes. Eh, close enough. I go up to him and ask about a smithy. He points me towards the sign hanging over the market stall he’s working, and I see that it’s labeled ‘Shoes, Pots, and Spoons.’ Huh.

“So, I’m looking for something to wear for a bit of protection, anyone like that here in Ponyville?”

“Er, not really. The few things that miss Rarity enchants are usually really durable, but I think that’s a side-effect.” he tells me. “Most of the big-name armorers live in places like Manehattan, Chickago, or Los Pegasus. If you want custom work, which I’m sure you do, you’ll need to go to Canterlot. And those guys’ll charge a leg and an eye for their work.”

“Alright, well thanks anyway.” I walk off and figure I’d wait until I got my arms back before making a trip anywhere outside of town. I might have a solution to the money issue, as I recall some bank offer or whatever in one of the fan letters I got. If the deal’s still good I should be set for something at least decent.

But that’ll have to wait for tomorrow. Missing my arms is really just a minor inconvenience. It just allows me a viable excuse to procrastinate. I head back to the library to look through the old fan mail. I figured I’d keep the ones with special offers in a drawer for later use. I get to the giant tree and I walk in, Twilight saying hi, looking up from a book she’s reading. She really needs to find something else to entertain her. Reading’s nice and all, but the lack of exercise makes her look slightly pudgy... but apparently that’s sexy here.

Why? I mean, I don’t have anything against fat chicks, but usually there’s some obvious reason that has to do with them being horses... but horses are supposed to be super athletic, right? Wouldn’t that make a pony like AJ or Rainbow be the most eligible bachelorettes? I just shrug the thought off and head up to my room. Now how do I open the drawer?

I figure that since ponies don’t have fingers, using my teeth wouldn’t be considered completely disgusting... so that’s an open drawer. Unfortunately, my head can’t fit in the drawer, so now I have to get them out...

“Hey, Anthony, what’re you up to?” Twilight called from the main room.

“Just looking for something. I’m fine.” I’m just stumped... hmmm...

“If you need help, don’t worry about asking, I’d be happy to help my friend in his time of need.”

“I’m independant, damnit!” Just because I don’t know what I’m doing doesn’t mean I can’t think of something. I don’t need a help from a pony, I can do this myself!

“Jeez, Anthony, I was just offering to help! Just because you’re learning a lesson doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly...” Twilight’s speech subsided into grumblings and angry-sounding mutterings.

I don’t need help, I can do this without arms. I go through my options. I lay down on my back and place my feet on the sides of the drawer and pull it out, the drawer clattering to the floor. Now all I have to do is find the letter I’m looking for.

“I heard something hit the floor, are you alright?” Twilight yells.

“Of course I’m alright, I’m making progress!”

“Progress? Or a mess?”

“Who cares if my room is a mess?”

“But it’s inefficient!” Twilight says, drawing out the last word into a whine.

“Says you, I can manage just fine. All I need now is to sort through these and find what I’m looking for.” I roll over and use the edge of my shoe to separate the letters. But it seems that, during the fall, most of them have flipped upside-down. Crap.

I can do this, I just don’t know how. I don’t need arms or Twilight, I just need an idea... And then I get one. I kick off my shoes and socks, and start generating electricity through my feet. Rubbing the soles of my electrified feet together, I start my attempt to replicate static cling.

Six mighty feedback jolts later, my aching feet manage to stick a letter. Then, I run into another problem: My feet don’t bend the right way to bring the letter where I can read it.

“Goddamnit!!”

“Uh... are you sure you don’t need help?” Twilight asks, and I turn to see that she’s in the doorway, looking at me with concern on her face. Fie on her concern! I’d shake a fist at her if I had one right now!

“Yes, I just need a new plan!”

“Uh...” Twilight looks at the dozen or so papers now stubbornly clinging to my feet and legs. “If you insist...” she slowly backs out of the room, looking at me incredulously the entire way.

I stand up, the paper crinkling. I lift up my foot and place it on the edge of the bed. I successfully slide the paper off, but I also lose my balance and fall backward, the air of my fall causing the letter to flutter into the air and land on my face. Aaand now it’s stuck.

I groan. “Twilight... you still there?” I moan out, my ego completely destroyed at this point.

“Yes? Are you alright, Anthony?” Twilight sounds hopeful, though I can’t tell if that’s because she hopes I’m injured or hopes I’m asking for help. Maybe both. Probably both.

“Help. Please.” I hang my covered face and just wait for assistance.

I feel myself become weightless, and open my eyes to see the letters flutter into neat stacks. I’m set on the bed, and a painful tingling sensation crawls through my arms. My arms!

I sigh. With a bit of shaking, I manage to wake up my arms and remove the pins and needles sensation, at least partially. “Thanks, Twilight...”

“You’re welcome. And you can consider this a lesson; sometimes, helping a friend is more important than ‘teaching them a lesson’ about something they have. Also, this is payback for putting ice-cream in my bed four months ago.”

“What? But I didn’t, I swear! I wouldn’t waste perfectly good ice cream on a prank!”

“Spike told me you planned with him about it!”

“Twilight... are a dragon’s scales durable enough to withstand being kicked at least twenty feet in the air?”

“Probably... why?”

“You’re a smart pony, figure it out.”

“Hey, just because he told on you, doesn’t mean you need to pick on him.”

“And yet I don’t recall doing anything so callously irresponsible with a perfectly good dessert. Now that leaves only the other person who knows it happened, and sleeps in your room.”

“Wait, are you saying that Spike did it, and then blamed it on you?”

“Yes.”

Twilight face-hoofs. “I need to stop letting him hang out with Rainbow Dash. She is such a bad influence on kids sometimes.” I shake my head sagely.

Chapter 90

I found the letter I was looking for. Yup, eight-hundred bits in a bank note. Dang. Wait... what would the conversion rate be for bits to USD?

“Hey Twilight, what’re bits made of? Is it gold, or some form of alloy?”

“Bits are made of gold, of course! Oh, I just realized, you haven’t had a run-down of the Equestrian economical process! Let me go get my presentation board, notes, and the crate of props I’ll need. Be right back!” Twilight canters off down the stairs, and I decide to make a break for it before her lecture can kill me.

Maybe I should just ask Rarity when she’s back. She’s much less prone to hostage education. I’m walking to the bank mentioned in the letter, though I’m not entirely sure where I’m going, so I approach ponies and ask for directions as I go. Then one pony approaches me.

“H-howdy, mister Anthony. Whatcha l- lookin’ for?” The stallion, a fairly average-sized guy with a brown coat and pale green mane, at least looks friendly. Still, he should see about getting that stutter corrected.

“I’m just looking for the bank. Know where it is?”

“Oh, y- yeah. I was j- j- just there, lemme show ya.” The colt begins moving off, smiling and waving occasionally. “I’m actually j- just movin’ in, mister Anthony.”

“Hey, I don’t have a need for any fancy titles, just Anthony is fine. So what’s your handle, new guy?”

“O-oh, muh- my name? I’m Sm- mooth Blend.” As the pony turns, I see that only his left half is the dark brown, while the other side is a lighter brown. I can’t actually pinpoint the point where the two colors trade off. “I’m a b- b- barista. Or, I w- will be. I’ve heard a l- lotta ‘bout you, though, mister Anthony.”

“Yeah, word about me gets around, though it seems a few newspaper articles get confused between facts and rumors. One of ‘em thinks I’m dating Pinkie Pie.” I roll my eyes.

“Wait, y- y’ aren’t?” The colt looks genuinely surprised. Huh, must’ve believed the papers. “W-wow, that’s weird...” he mutters under his breath, looking confused.

“Sorry, I prefer my girls to be of roughly the same species, just sayin’. Pinkie’s nice and all but Satan’ll be ice-skating to work before I start a relationship with a pony.”

“Uh... a-alright. Suh- so the rumors y- you’re starting a herd w- with the Diarchs is m- made-up, too, right?”

That actually makes me laugh so hard I have to stop walking. “Heck no! Why- why would anyone think I’d get with either of them, let alone both!?” The idea is just so stupid I find it hilarious.

“Eh, suh- something about finding et- ternal solace in the arms of the oh- only one who would understand. Admittedly, it w- was a pretty cheap magazine.”

“Never in a bajillion lifetimes. Man, I cleared that up around Ponyville, guess I have to make those trips a bit sooner, stop the rumors before they start pairing me up with all of the Elements!”

“Oh y- yeah, they live h- here, right?”

“Yup. But I guarantee you, there is absolutely nothing romantic between me and any of ‘em.” I look up, realizing we’ve been stopped for a couple of sentences.

“W- we’re here. This is D- Dirt Poor’s B- Bank of Equestria. This is the f- first branch, from w- what I hear.”

It’s a pretty decently sized building, but there’s nothing to distinguish it from the rest of the town beyond having much nicer stone siding on the front. I’m guessing it’s a facade, considering the building shape is basically the same as the other big buildings in town.

I thank the stallion and walk inside. Once I’ve been run through the proper proceedings with how banks work here in Equestria, I submit my bank note and take out fifty bits, leaving the other seven-hundred fifty in storage, as there’s no savings account set-ups. I suppose with how honest most ponies are, fraud and its related crimes aren’t common enough to warrant much attention to the way the banks are run.

A brief moment of thought tells me all about how I could take serious advantage of this. I shake it off. I’m not going to just take money that isn’t mine. Well... maybe a little, I mean, who’s gonna notice?

I look towards the bank vault, and see that there’s neat rows of boxes, each probably containing hundreds of bits. The only problem is that I can see faintly-glowing red runes along the door, and I can guess they probably aren’t very healthy for intruders.

Eh, I already have plenty of money at the moment anyway. I walk outside and notice that Smooth Blend is still here. Strange. “Hey man, you need something?”

“Uh, yeah... but I k- kinda need to ask you in p- private. Y’know, without the other p- ponies around, mister Anthony.”

“Really? And what’s so important and secretive?”

The colt looks left, then right, the perfect model of suspicious. Then, he looks me dead in the eyes. A flicker of green passes over his eyes, and then he breaks the stare off. Well, fuck, it’s a changeling.

“Ren wants me, I suppose? Eh, fine. Nothing better to do today anyway.” With that we head off to the Everfree Forest. Once we’re a good distance from the outskirts of Ponyville, he removes his disguise and we just walk to the hive. Just as the hive entrance comes into view, the changeling speaks up.

“B- by the way, before we actually g- get there, I w- want you to know what y- you’re getting into.” I look at him, hard, for a moment. “It’s going to be a b- banquet, and y- you’ll be expected to sit at the q- Queen’s side. As her p- protector, of c- course.”

“No problem.”

When we arrive, I walk towards the main chamber, seeing a few changelings here and there. It’s much more than the scant few I’d seen last time I was here. A couple of nymphs scamper past me, one holding aloft a pastry of some kind in its magical grip, a cook shouting and swearing in hot pursuit. Man, dinner and a show? I’m liking this already.

Once we reach a side chamber near the main one, I see that there’s a large, mostly oval banquet table in the middle of it, one end wider than the other. The wide end has a rather more healthy-looking Renaissance sitting at it. She’s still unhealthy-skinny, but she’s got more luster to her carapace.

As I enter the room, the hundred-or-so changelings seated around the table all look in my direction, some of the smiling, others not. A couple of oddly-colored ‘lings sit near the wide end of the table, with an open space between Ren and them.

The queen, as regally as her still-shivery limbs would allow, beckoned me towards the open spot to her right.

“Heya, glad to see you’re getting the hang of things.” I take my seat and just relax. None of these morons would be stupid enough to try anything funny with me right here, so I figure I’ve got no worries and I’m fine with just chatting. “So how’ve you been? Guess it’s been a few months.”

“S- several, actually.” She smiles pleasantly at me, and bobs her head slightly. “I’ve been trying to teach farming to the hive. It’s d- difficult, the pony methods don’t work so w- well with our... crops.” her smile wanes a little, but then comes back full force. “Oh, after dinner I can show y- you the farm! I’m sure you’ll love it.”

“Well I look forward to seeing your progress. I really was hoping that I wouldn’t have to come by and wipe out every changeling in the forest. Frankly that seems like a waste. Glad you’re trying less harmful methods. I think there might be some good you guys could do.”

“Thank you, Anthony, for having faith in us.” Ren smiles a larger smile, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She opens her forelegs for a hug which I oblige. She’s not as fluffy as a pony, but the chitin-on-skin isn’t a bad feeling. It’s kinda like soft leather. Changelings just aren’t really made for cuddling I suppose, but they seem to be at least nice to hug.

Ren, laying her head on my shoulder whispers into my ear. “I’m afraid for my life. Please don’t let them kill me.” Then, she pulls back, still smiling as if nothing’s wrong. I just give her a simple nod. I’m still not sure if any of these bugs’d be stupid enough with me right beside her, but then again... these ponies and similarly-related species seem to have just as wide a stupid-streak as people at times.

Ren nods slightly towards the oddly-colored ‘lings to my right, directing my attention their way. I look at them, and Ren makes introductions. “The one closest to you is the eldest of my sisters. They get younger the further they go. Four are attending tonight.”

“I see, well it’s nice to meet you.” I say to the four. Supposedly the most likely assassins are her siblings. And I’m right next to them. They’d have to be desperate or just retarded to try something at this point. Oh well, I guess I’ll keep my guard up anyway.

The food is brought to the table by a few changelings in suits, and it looks delicious. Some kind of meat is present, large something, and greenery of all types imaginable. As well, a series of tiny cages are brought to the table, and set in front of everyone. I look at my cave inquisitively, and see a brown rabbit look up at me. There is a carrot in a small bin attached to the cage.

I turn to Ren. “Appetizer, or entertainment?”

“Actually, the main course.” She levitates the carrot to her own rabbit green-end first, who happily takes it. Ren closes her eyes and inhales deeply, a greenish mist drifting from the rabbit to her mouth. She smiles as the flow stops. The rabbit continues contentedly chewing the carrot. Right, love... of food? Well, I guess if it works...

“Sorry, but I’m afraid I have different tastes...” I pick up the carrot and take a bite out of it. The rabbit looks sadly at me. I sigh and break off one half and I hand it to the furry thing, which it accepts happily. Once it starts munching I just push the cage closer to Ren in an offer. I sure ain’t getting anything from it myself. Then there’s real food.

The food is passed around, but I notice that I’m passed two plates, and Ren isn’t passed any. She doesn’t seem concerned, though. “Uh... what?” Then I think for a moment. “Oh, right.” Poisoned food, a classic. Oh well, no problem. I bet I can handle whatever might be in the stuff if it’s been spiked.

I take a bite of the meat that is placed on one of the plates. It’s nice, flavorful, and slightly spicy. The best poisons for this sort of thing can’t be tasted, but I suppose it’s okay. Just to be sure, I taste the meat on the other plate for comparison.

The meat tastes about the same, and anything different between the two could simply be cooking differences between the pieces. The next thing I try is a sample for the small pile of mashed potatoes with some kind of orange gravy on top.

It’s actually quite good, with a minty aftertaste that really throws off the pleasantness of the potatoes. It’d be better without the mint flavor.

I try a sample from the other plate, and nearly choke on the sudden, vigorous heat of the sauce. Completely different from the minty-tasting one, I’m caught totally unprepared for the spicy assault upon my tongue. Sputtering, I grab for the chalice that had been set in front of me and chug, the liquid within quenching the blaze on my taste buds. Mmm... red wine. Strong cranberry taste.

Gasping for air and blinking the tears from my eyes I turn to Ren. “Jeez, that was spicy! The minty one was kinda tasteless, but at least it doesn’t burn your mouth!”

Ren stares at me. “Wh- which one was minty, did you say?” She’s starting to shiver in her seat.

I narrow my eyes. “I take it the dish is supposed to be spicy, then?” I pick up the plate with the minty potatoes and push it away.

“Ch- changelings can’t taste mint.” Ren says. “We can’t t- taste food unless it’s r- really strong.” Which means that this would be the perfect poison, so subtle to them, it might not even be there... smart, but foolish to try this when there’s a non-changeling to test it. Now I have to decide which of the changelings is the culprit. Most likely one of Ren’s sisters, but there are four of them.

I look at the four sisters, checking for subtle hints like shifty eyes or nervou-

With a growl of frustration, the second protoqueen lunged across the table, shouting ‘Die!’ at the top of her lungs. I couldn’t agree more...

Reaching for her with an arm charged with electricity, I give her a tap that sends about a few thousand volts into her body. An earsplitting KRA-KOW shatters the relative silence of the room, and a bolt of vivid blue-green lightning tears into the charging changeling. I have just the tiniest sliver of moments to see her expression turn from one of murderous intent to shock and fear.

Then, with a squelching POP, the would-be murderess blows like a giant, gross pimple.

That was not what I expected, and now there are lots of tiny squishy wet bits just about everywhere. Even in the food. Great, there goes my appetite.

The eldest sister looks to one of the changelings in suits, who has a chunk of charred meat on its snout. The changeling butler I recognize, and he’s not moving, in spite of the gore.

I turn to him and address the matter that is currently all over the table. “Would you clean up this mess, please?”

Chapter 91

The entire hall resumes eating as the workers clean up the messy remnants of the changelings. I sit down again, eying the other near-queens.

I notice that there’s still bits of charred not-queen in my food. I guess I could try it, but given my current audience, that might be a bit too far... So I just push my now-ruined food away and just wait for whatever might happen. No way there’d be another attempt at this point. I know for a fact everyone saw what happened.

Another two plates of food slide up to me, these with a simple-looking salad utterly smothered in some kind of dressing. It’s a blueish green dressing, and Ren noticeably perks up upon seeing the salads.

“So if this is also poisoned, does anyone wanna just say it is and we can get this over with? I’m getting kinda mad now.” I give the stinkeye across the table and get no reaction. I sigh and try the food anyways. It’s alright, with a taste rather like strong eggplant, the flavor more overpowering than I’m used to. As well, there’s the barely noticeable taste of the actual greens used, minus some sharp tastes, probably from a more acidic plant. It’s perfectly par for the course, if a bit strange. At least it’s not gross, and there’s no changeling bits in this one. It’s companion doesn’t taste any worse, either.

I pass one of the plates to Ren. “These seem fine to me. Unless they somehow poisoned both of them. In which case it’d probably be the chef.”

The queen nods, and accepts the salad and digs in with relish. Apparently, this is a favorite of hers, or something. Not enough protein in it if you ask me. At least they do eat meat... I wonder if I can come back later and get some... I’ll ask what animal it is later. Oh well, the salad isn’t terrible, so I continue eating. Aside from that one attack, this has been kind of a bore.

Ren finishes her salad, and turns to me, a bit of blue dressing on her upper lip. She speaks up, her voice a bit more confident. “So, Anthony. How have things been for you?”

“Not bad, if a bit samey. I guess when there isn’t danger, Equestria gets, well... what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Boring?” Ren smiles. “I like boring. It’s safe.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Anyway, I was wondering what your ideas are for trying to get the ponies to get used to changelings?”

“Ah, well, I was planning on trying to c- convince Ponyville’s mayor to authorize temporary citizen p- passes. And then, we could try just... I don’t know. Helping? It’s a bit hard to think of things to actually help with.”

“That might work, but yeah, I understand. Maybe you just need a chance to show what you can do. They didn’t like me until I saved them from something they couldn’t stop themselves. Just do something to help that they can’t and you’ll be super popular.”

“O- oh... I don’t know if I can b- be heroic like you.” Ren shrinks slightly back into her chair, looking uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to be heroic, you just have to find some problem that they can’t solve, but you can. That’s all it should take. Or just have a changeling live with them long enough that they get used to ‘em.”

Ren nods. “Okay... I think we can do that. Maybe. But we need more sustenance. This food is really just for the taste, and a little for keeping our bodies healthy.”

“Well if it’s love you need, I may know someone you could ask... though I’m not sure of her current feelings on changelings...”

Ren cocked her head, but didn’t say anything in response. Instead, she started a new conversation with, “Well, alright... uhm... anything new?”

“Yeah, some newcomers from Earth, where I come from. Hmmmm... if you can get them to like you, then it might be easier for the ponies to understand you’re peaceful.”

Ren smiles appreciatively. “Alright. Uhm... c- could I... er, nevermind.”

“What is it? Come on, what could be so bad that you don’t wanna ask?” I give her a smile.

Ren ducks her head. “N- nothing.”

One of the protoqueens pipes up. “She wants some love from you, to make herself more powerful.”

“Well, as long as I’m asked first and you aren’t taking it by force, I suppose I have no problem. Though I don’t really have anyone I love. It’s actually kinda complicated at the moment.”

“That’s alright. J- just think of your family, of the ones you care about.” She gently sets a hoof on my hand, and stares into my eyes. Her eyes, slitted like a cat’s, stare at me. Faint swirls and shapes of green moves restlessly in the depths of her eyes.

I close my eyes and remember my life back home on Earth. I kinda already accepted that I’d never get back, but I still miss it a bit. I think about my mom and dad, and life before I came here. It was nice. Not exactly action-packed, but... I really do miss my folks. I’m willing to bet that if I suddenly went missing, they’d freak out. I’m convinced they miss me just as much... I sigh. Well, I guess it can’t be helped for now.

I open my eyes as I feel Ren hug me. “I’m so sorry... whatever you remembered, I didn’t mean to make you sad...”

“Eh, when you’re separated from your family by either countless billions of distance or not even in the same universe and haven’t seen them in forever... Guess I should think of something else, sorry.”

“No... no, that was more than enough.” Ren continues to hold me, and even rubs her face against my chest. I’m going to assume it’s a pony gesture of comfort or something.

Without warning, a blade slams into Ren’s shoulder, stabbing into me as well. At the same time, another slams into my shoulder, but it’s poorly aimed and bounces off my shoulder blade. I can see the slightly reddish glow around the knife in Ren’s shoulder, and recognize it as the aura the eldest changeling princess had.

I stand up and grapple the would-be assassin, pulling her away from the table and I throw the changeling to the ground, her stomach pushed against the ground as I step on her back. Without much effort I rip the wings off her back, my foot keeping her from being pulled up. The queen screams in pain and shock, dark-green ichor spilling from the wounds.

"Damn, you bugs are stupid, now you've pissed me off!" I list the recent annoyances as I continue to grind my heel into the eldest sister's back, bringing another scream of pain from her. I then change my tactic to finish her off, stomping on her head repeatedly.

*Crack* *Crack* *Cr-ack* * Cra-Splat*

I rip off a piece of her dark maroon exoskeleton and use it to scrape the mashed changeling brains off my shoe. I just kick the insect's dead limp body away and return to my seat. I look around the table at the drones and remaining sisters.

"Anyone else wanna try? Anyone?"

The entire table has shifted visibly away from me, leaning as far back as they can without being too obvious about it. Several of the servants look shocked, except for the changeling butler. Even Renaissance looks scared. She’s also whimpering, and probably in pain from the knife in her shoulder.

Speaking of, the adrenaline only got me up and through the ‘fight’, but I can already feel the places where the two knives tore into me. I just didn’t have time to extract myself more carefully, and now the back of my shoulder hurts really bad.

I wince, but don’t show any more pain. If there’s gonna be a third try, I’m not gonna make it look like I’ve been weakened. I just sit down and wait for... whatever will happen next.

Ren extracts the knife from herself, and looks at it, her face turning to a hard scowl I’d never seen on her usually timid face before. It’d be like Fluttershy being mean, this face.

Slowly, the knife, dagger really, was set on the table in front of Ren. “I suppose,” the queen said, her eyes literally sparking with a tiny arc of green, “That there’s a reason two of the weapons I ordered destroyed were instead given to my sister?” The cold, level voice she spoke in scares me more than even the demon did. The demon promised death. Ren’s voice... that promise is one of pain. Idly, I notice that there’s no blood on the knife.

Trying to regain my composure by reminding myself I’m on her side, I take one of the daggers and look around the table at the very shaky changelings present. “So whose eye do I shove this through?”

When none of them answer, I glare around. I’m so intent on finding guilt, that I almost miss the flicker of movement before the other knife almost seems to teleport into the head of a changeling some thirty seats down. I look to Ren, who could probably freeze helium with that gaze... or fuse it into carbon.

“Guess that settles that. So is that going to be it, or do we need to make a twenty-foot ditch for all the bodies?”

Ren’s composure fails her, and she slumps back in her chair, and she looks frail again. She’s visible shaking as she answers. “N- no... W- we’re d-done here. G- go home. I’ll send a s- soldier with you. As a g- guide.”

I could easily find my way back, but after that display, I’m not terribly in the mood for arguing. Also, I’m too tired to argue anyway. Standing up and being escorted out, I look back, seeing Ren get assisted away from the banquet room as well, four larger-looking guards flanking her warily.

Once I make it outside, I see that it’s very late at night, until the changeling guard lights its horn, the eerie green light drowning the view of the sky in ambiance. After a while, I feel a bit woozy for a moment. Guess I’m more tired than I thought... eh, it’s probably just from coming off the adrenaline rush. I did get stabbed.

The changeling guard leaves me with a salute at the end of the forest nearest Ponyville, and I start my trek into town. I can just barely see the library when a wave of red-black covers my vision for a moment, and I stumble. Blinking away a wave of dizziness, I shake my head.

That... was a bad idea. I’m much more dizzy now, and begin walking towards the library, hoping to get there and ask Twilight before whatever is going on gets worse.

No more than ten feet from the front door, I feel my legs give out, and the ground races up to kiss me. Slowly, the view of trampled dirt fades to black...

chapter 92

Ohhhh, I feel... not-good. My body feels so heavy, and my head feels floaty inside. Like... bad floaty... I just groan, and then I hear a voice. It sounds distant, but it makes my head throb anyway. I open my eyes weakly and my vision is blurry, but I can see Twilight leaning over me, but I can’t quite make out her expression. Someone else as well but it’s too foggy. I try to move, but my limbs don’t do anything.

“Anthony, are you okay?”

I barely manage a groan in response.

“Well, I suppose not. Some sort of toxin...” I’m not sure if she stopped talking, or I just stopped hearing her. She cuts in and out. “-low acting pois... -not very famili... -ould be okay if...”

Suddenly my body, unbidden, rolls over and ejects the contents of my stomach onto the floor. Then it’s dark again...

I open my eyes and I still feel a bit groggy, but I’m not immobile. I get up and I’m pushed back onto my back.

“Oh no you don’t, mister. You aren’t going anywhere until we make sure you’re completely cured.” Twilight said, the usual purple glow leaving her horn.

My throat feels sore and a bit dry. “M fine...”

“No, you’re not, I don’t know what happened, but I do know that you have a long while before you’ve fully recovered.”

“Wha happen?”

“I was leaving the library this morning and I found you collapsed with two stab wounds, one in your back and another in your arm, and you’d been poisoned. You tell me what happened.”

“M... Changelings. I... p- protect Ren. Food. Poison... ugh...”

“Wait, what? Who’s Ren?”

“New queen. Sisters tried... kill her... bad potatoes... d- daggers...”

“I guess that answers a few questions. I’ll be back. And if you’re not here when I get back, you’re not going to be walking for a week, mister.”

“Not... boss of me. I... fine...”

“I’ll believe that when you can speak without slurring or using bad grammar.”

I look to the side weakly and I see Anne, stepping forward carefully. She looks so worried, but I’m fine, I swear.

“No, you aren’t.” She admonishes, stepping over to the side of the bed.

I didn’t say that out loud, did I?

“Says you... just... walk it off...” I attempt to get up, but Anne stops me, simply holding out the joint of her wing is enough to keep me from sitting up. But, the effort has rewarded me with a headache.

“Stay down, Anthony, I don’t want you to get hurt, alright?”

“Not hurt... just fine... I prove it...” Unfortunately, I am still held down by the minor pressure she is applying to my chest. “No fair... cheating.”

“Anthony, you’re a heroic sort of person, but I don’t think you’d have the strength to crusade against a fly right now. I am no more cheating than you are when you use your powers.”

“Jealous... ‘cause I... whoop your butt...”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be jealous, per se.” Anne says, chuckling lightly. It takes several seconds for my brain to process it, with time being drenched in glue or whatever is making it so slow.

She looks real nice. “Betcha... I strong ‘nough... to pound you... crazy...”

Anne suddenly starts blushing all bluish-cyan again, which is really cute.

“S’matter? You ever seen... how strong... I am? I... show ya. You want?” I weakly try to show off my impressive strength, but Anne just rolls her eyes and pushes me back onto the bed. Now, the room is spinning crazily, and I want the world to stop so I can get off the ride.

“Come on... I... can show you... moves you... never seen... I got... crazy skills...”

Anne just giggles and blushes more. Strangely, the sound helps steady my head a little, and I’m a little less dizzy. She looks... real nice. Pretty. Fluffy. Wanna hug her...

I reach out an arm towards her, but for a few moments I miss before I actually get a hand on her shoulder. She stares at me, the metallic swirls over her eyes parting to reveal gorgeous blue-green eyes. They’re more green than blue, though, I note through my mental fog.

I’m gonna show her I’m strong. I pull on her and, with a good bit of effort, pull her down. On top of me.

“Told you... strong...”

She looks at me, her face inches from mine. I can feel her plush chest press against my collarbone. It’s really nice, like laying under a thick plush toy. They’re so soft. Strangely, so are her feathers, in spite of being all sword-y.

I get my other arm around her, and I feel the soft down where her wings meet her back, and the carpet of feathers there. “Sho fluffy...”

Anne chuckles softly, and looks at me with what I think is an uncertain look. She starts leaning towards me as I snuggle, and I feel myself drift off to sleep. I vaguely hear something from Anne as I fall asleep, but she’s so nice and warm and fluffy, and I’m so tired...

I wake up again, this time just exceptionally sore and so very, very thirsty. I also have a monstrous headache.

I get up and a thin blanket falls off of me. I just head to the kitchen and return with some water. While I drink, I notice Anne asleep on a perch. I remember something about her, but it’s foggy. Oh yeah, she was here when Twilight left.

I notice that her bronze-colored wing is being used as a pillow by the sleeping harpy. Awww. I figure I’ll just let her rest. I really do feel a ton better, but I’m not sure if I should leave the library yet, so I head downstairs and look for something to read. I consider a book on pony society, but I’m not sure if my brain has completely rebooted, so I see what is available in the children’s section.

Passing by few books labeled ‘Dusk’, which are all covered in dust and seem unread, I look for something that might entertain me. Perhaps the... wait, ‘The Chronicles of Yarnia’? I’m not sure if I should just go back to bed and cry, or read it out of morbid curiosity.

If the wardrobe ends up being a knitting store, I’m burning this thing. Biblioclasm seems the best course of action in that case... deciding Twilight would probably consider that justifiable reasons for killing me, I decide to leave it be and just head back to bed.

Almost an hour of laying peacefully in bed, Anne stirs. I’m a touch bleary, but at least I’m not incoherent, but I can’t help but see as she stretches on the edge of the bed, the motions causing very... interesting things to happen to her body, which wasn’t made any worse by the wash of almost golden light from her bronze feathers and skin. The splay of light washed through the room, as if from a burnished kaleidoscope.

Heh, and I thought she looked nice while asleep. “Heya, you here to keep me company?”

Anne freezes in place, before slowly sliding her gaze to me. after a moment of this, she shifts her wings in front of her body and blushes. “S- sorry, I didn’t know you were awake already. Uhm... yeah, I’m kinda here to keep you comp- oh, wait, how long have you been awake? Oh, I should’ve been paying attention. Twilight said you’d need water when you woke up again.”

“Eh, I got it myself. I wasn’t up very long ago, I was just resting. You certainly look comfortable.”

“Oh? Oh, the wing... thing. Sorry if that looked weird, it’s just so comfortable. More comfortable than carrying a pillow with me...” Anne trailed off.

“I suppose it would be, it just looks rather difficult to rest on when it’s all metallic.”

“Hmm? Oh, they just look like that. You seemed pretty convinced they’re soft earlier this morning.”

“I did? Sorry, it’s kinda blurry. Last I remember was Twi telling me she was leaving.”

“Yeah, apparently, each of the helements of armory were needed, or something like that. She said something about a test and some crystalline emperor. Then, she kinda sprinted out the door.” Anne shrugs, evidently no more in the know than I.

“Huh, Oh well, guess that leaves the library all to ourselves, with Twilight nowhere around.” I give Anne an evil grin. “You know what that means?”

Anne blushes, looking flustered. She fans herself with a wing. “Uh, that we, uhm...”

I rush down the stairs and towards the kitchen at high speed. “Ice cream!!”

However, careening down stairs at breakneck pace while poisoned and still slightly off in the head turns out to be a horrible idea. Now would be an awesome time to learn time reversal, I think to myself while at the bottom of the stairs, because then I could just not be in as much pain right now.

After a moment, Anne helps me up, giving me a gentle hug before she checks me over. “Alright, try not to run around on waxed stairs while wearing socks, Anthony.”

“Right... Who waxes stairs again?”

“Uh, it’s apparently one of Spike’s chores. I asked, and Twilight said that pony hooves have magic traction fields or something.” once again, Anne shrugs. “It lets them pick up little things without their mouths.”

“That would explain a few things if I had an explanation for how it works. Anyway, ice cream!” I head towards the kitchen again, this time at a slower pace. I still slide a little from the wax now clinging to my socks. Either way, though, I make it to the kitchen, and open the freezer. Almost immediately, the blast of cold, cold, freezing air from the magical icebox has made me back off. This is the moment when I realize I’m not wearing a shirt.

“Uh, Anne, where’s my shirt?”

“Huh? Oh, Twilight took it, to get the blood cleaned out, get it stitched up, etc. But, then that Scarcity pony had to leave with them, and I don’t know how long they’ll be gone.”

After I correct Anne on Rarity’s name, I walk back into the main room. “Doesn’t matter, I can last a bit without a shirt. Not that important.” I do notice one thing that, due to the exercise I’ve gotten since I wound up here, coupled with the fact that I rarely eat... I’ve actually got fairly noticeable muscles. I finally killed the tiny bit of pudge I got from my years of playing video games nonstop!

... It’s strangely unsatisfying, until I see that Anne is staring at me as I lay down. It’s a disturbingly predatory look, too.

“Hey, Miss Bird of Prey, you try chomping down on me and I’ll serve you for Thanksgiving.”

“Well, not so sure I’d bite you... unless you asked.” Anne seems to be getting bolder. I think it’s an improvement. I like this side of her. Reminds me of me.

“Yeah, good luck, I’m too hot for anyone to take in a fight.” I hold up my hand and try to show off some flames... but there’s nothing.

“Huh?” I keep trying with no result, then I try electricity without even a spark. “Uh oh...”

Chapter 93

I try to Spark up, but nothing happens. No glowing, no change in my skin, not even the usual sensation of power! I’m freaking out at this point. My powers are gone! I try to do something, anything at all, but I get no result. Come on, focus! I can’t just be powerless! But I am. I’m just a regular guy again... I can’t do anything special anymore...

“What the fuck happened‽” I slam my fist into the table, but I just end up hurting my hand. All I can do is just shout in frustration and pain. Anne flinches away from me, squeaking in fear.

“Come on... work! Fire, electricity, something!” Despite my pleads, I still don’t manage to summon anything. A thought enters my mind. Maybe...

“Twilight.” I turn to Anne. “Did Twilight do anything to me before she left‽” If she just turned my powers off with her freaky magic and then left town indefinitely...

“What? No, other than pull out a little ball of stuff. She said that it was the poison, and it splashed when she dropped it in the sink. Honest!”

“Well, then why am I suddenly just an ordinary guy now?”

“I- I don’t know!” Anne is starting to back away, and I realize that I’m almost a foot taller than her and looming. Damnit, usually I get that reaction when I’m on fire. I should be able to light on fire dammit!

“Well... now what? What do I do if something happens? If another demon comes by, we’re all screwed.”

“Uhm... me and that snake lady could do something...” She’s hiding hiding behind her wings, peeking out between to large primaries with scared eyes.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Anne.” I sit down with a sigh, feeling defeated. “I just... Now what? Am I going to stay like this?” Anne shrugs behind her wings. It doesn’t look like she’s relaxed much... it’s just another reminder of her time in Wunderland, I suppose.

“Yeah... I guess you and Myrna can take care of Ponyville, but... This isn’t like when Twilight took my arms. I knew for sure I’d get them back. If... if I’ve lost my power, then... I don’t even know. I’m not gonna just give up, but... what can I do anymore?”

“Well, uhm... you don’t have to be a-” her breath catches for a moment, and I swear she’s blushing, “-a hero, but I think you can still do good. What did you want to be before you got here?”

“King of the universe. Y’know, endless food, money, babes, the usual guy thing.” I say with a grin.

Anne chuckles, her wings beginning to relax. “Well... what did you want to do for a career. Realistically, that is.”

“Pffft, reality is boring. Oh well... I guess I just wanted to have a job that I could always fall back on. A stable life and all that. Actual career doesn’t seem too important once you’ve covered that, y’know what I mean?”

“Well... I guess. But surely you wanted to be doing something with your life? Maybe you could do that here.” Anne smiles gently at me.

“Maybe, but I think I want to be sure I’m not gonna get them back. Wouldn’t want to have a second life I have to drop whenever I need to kick ass and look badass doing it.”

“Well, you could always change your name to Clark Kent, and see what that does for you.”

“Pffft, if I did that, then I wouldn’t be famous around the clock, only while I’m doing something. Maybe Supes isn’t in it for the fame, but I am... partially at least.”

Anne giggles, finally bringing her wings down. Her skin and feathers are both a slightly tarnished bronze color, and with the way they clink and clang, I think they probably are made of bronze. I wonder what lets her fly, exactly, as she fiddles with a feather.

“So you mentioned something happened earlier, but it seems I can’t remember. Anything important happen?”

Suddenly, her cyan-blue blush flares again. “You, ah, don’t remember anything?”

“Nope. I remember Twilight saying she had something else to do, then nothing.”

“Oh... well, you sorta babbled... a bit. Then, you fell asleep.”

“What did I say? Anything important?”

“Nooo... but you did kinda give me a hug. It was... nice.”

“Of course it was, everyone loves my hugs. So that’s it? Huh. Okay. You do look rather soft though, howsabout a refresher?” I open my arms for a hug. Anne stares at my chest for a moment, her blush turning an impressive shade of blue and creeping across her cheeks.

“I- ha, that- uhm- well-” she’s stammering incoherently, and I remember I’m not wearing my shirt. At least I’m wearing my pants.

“Oh fine, you can just say no... so what happens now?” A loud crash! answered me, somewhere around the third story or so.

Anne and I exchange one glance, before we charge up the steps and look around. Outside a window, we can hear some grunts and whimpers. I go over to the window and look out. I don’t see anything at all, then I notice some branches rustling.

“Hey, who’s in the tree?”

“Mister Anthony?” That sounds like Sweetie Belle. What is she doing this high up in a tree?

“I hope you have a mattress or something set up, or you’re not gonna have a good time as a tree climber.”

“Well, uh, we kinda made ah tree-bush-say-” Applebloom’s voice calls out, before Sweetie corrects her with ‘trebuchet’. “-right, but we din’t aim it too well. Uh... we’re kinda stuck up here.”

I stick my head out the open window and look around. I finally spot three fillies, holding onto a branch about two feet to one side of the one the window’s over. An easy hop for someone like me, but for three fillies barely holding onto the branch themselves...

With a sigh I get over to them and, scooping up the three of them, I hop back to the window, though I almost fell. These fillies are heavier than they look. Anyway, once I get them inside, I ask the first question in my head.

“And exactly which one of you thought it would be a good idea to launch yourselves out of something meant for throwing things multiple miles at relatively impressive speed? If you didn’t land in a tree, you’d probably have killed yourselves!”

“That’s why we got cloud-steel shoes!” Sweetie says, her voice cracking. She raises her hooves, showing off a shiny pair of... aluminum horseshoes?

“The heck are those things? They don’t look like they’d cushion a drop of three feet!”

Applebloom smiles grandly. “They’re made ah cloud-steel, so we just aimed at a cloudbank sittin’ over Sweet Apple Acres!” Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle also smile, and Scootaloo pipes up.

“Oh, and we need to see if Noi got her Trebuchet Operator cutie mark or a Pony-Throwing cutie mark! And I’ll need to fix the math again. I must’ve dropped a decimal somewhere.” the three immediately began to run for the door, hooves going clickety as they went. As one, they stopped on their way out to shout ‘Thanks Anthony!’. Except Sweetie, who called me ‘Mister Anthony’ again.

After a moment of trying to figure out what they mean by all that, I sprint after them, every possible dormant synapse related to being responsible flaring at once. Tin shoes do not a soft landing make!

“I should get paid for babysitting these three, these kids are just... ugh.” I sigh as I increase my speed. I miss my powers. I would have caught them already. When I finally catch up to them, it’s because they stopped and I see their wooden contraption. I’m not panting, surprisingly. I must’ve been building up more endurance than I thought. Im a little winded, but not enough to stop me from asking a question.

“Where in the world did you even get one of these things in the first place?”

“We made it! Sweetie drew up the designs, I did the math on what we’d need, and Applebloom built it!” Scootaloo says, poofing up.

Noi, sitting next to the trebuchet with a  rope in her mouth, speaks up as well. “And I launched ‘em!” She puffs out her chest and looks proud.

“Yeah... that’s... really impressive, honestly.” I give it a light smack with the back of my fist. Solid as the tree it used to be. Damn. Except...

“And, uh, how did you plan on getting down from the cloud bank?” That’s a question I really want to know.

Sweetie Belle answers this one. “Rarity made us these really pretty parachutes, after the sky-diving incident. I’m glad ms. Derpy caught us then, that could’ve been bad.”

“Speaking of bad... why aren’t you wearing them? They don’t help unless you bring them.”

The three ponies look confused for a moment, then look to the side, where three sets of parachutes lay. “Whoops, heh heh.”

“That leads to the next problem. What if you didn’t land in the tree? If nothing stopped you, you’d probably be dead! I guarantee you, if you were moving in an arc that landed you in that tree from here and kept going, you wouldn’t have gotten up, cloud-shoes or not!”

“B- but... that’s whah we thought we were aimin’ fer the cloud-banks. They’re low on th’ Acres t’day, cuz big sis is off on an adventure.”

“Well, you didn’t land in the bank. It’s not the success you should plan for, it’s the failure. That way, you can survive to try again. Secondly, shouldn’t you load it with something like a sack of potatoes to check the aim first?”

Scootaloo rubs the back of her neck sheepishly. “Ah, we’re kinda not allowed to buy bulk veggies and stuff anymore. Our last catapult put a twenty-six-pound payload of apples through the roofs of half of Ponyville.” She pauses for a second, then adds, “Once!”

I sigh. These kids are going to be the death of the town if not themselves first. “Well, now that I’m here I suppose I can help you. But really, you need to plan for screwing up, doesn’t that make sense?”

“Well, that’s why we got the cloud-shoes, and picked a day with rain scheduled for the whole afternoon!” Scootaloo says, poofing once more.

“Is that also why you left your parachutes behind? Or how about  running some kind of aiming test? I’m not gonna want to look around town and have to clean you guys up with a mop and bucket, okay?”

“Well, the parachutes thing was an accident...” Sweetie mumbles.

“And that’s why you should write down everything you need and double-check you have it all before you start. The brave may be cooler, but it’s the smart who live to tell the tales. Anyway... I suppose I could help you set this thing right.”

The CMC gladly accept my help, and we mess with the four-foot-high trebuchet for about two hours before getting it right. It also took fifteen bits of melons for testing purposes. Impressively enough, their arcs were actually too steep to be historically accurate, but very effective for reaching clouds.

After a few trials, we have the angle right. I did suggest one thing they should get which we grabbed while we bought the melons.

“Alright, preparation list. Flight goggles and parachutes?”

“Check!” came the excited trio, speaking simultaneously.

“Helmets?”

“Check!”

“Cloud shoe things?”

“Cloud-steel shoes!” Sweetie corrected. “Oh, check!”

“Aim?”

Noi launched our last melon and it went straight for the cloud bank at a perfect angle. “Check!”

“Alright, looks like we’re good. Is there anything we might be forgetting?”

“Uh...”

“How about a golf club?”

“A golf club?” The four of them look at me funny.

“Nevermind...” Right, no Lance Armstrong or space travel at all at this point. Once we’re all sure we’re ready, I help load the Crusaders into the apparatus and Noi launches them into the sky. I stop being able to hear their excited shrieking before I see them disappear into the clouds. If they had them, I’d suggest walkie-talkies, but... oh well.

I turn to Noi. “Well you didn’t get your mark this time either... So what do you wanna do while they’re up in the clouds?”

“Can I sit in your lap? I heard miss Lotus say your hands make her feel all warm an’ fuzzy inside, an’ I don’t know what that means.” She looks at me with utter innocence and sincerity. “Can you show me?”

I pick her up and start petting her, not saying anything, for fear my mouth might let something inappropriate slip. She’s doing that usual pony-purr thing I usually get from them when I pet a pony. Guess fingers really are amazing when nobody around you has them... except Spike I guess...

After nearly a half an hour, the other Cutie Mark Crusaders hike back, and all of them look like they had a blast. Noi is asleep on my lap, and I see Scootaloo’s happy expression flicker for a moment. I’m not sure what it flickered to, but it didn’t look pleasant.

What is up with her?

“So, I see you didn’t get your marks, but I guess now is a good time for another cliche saying.” I clear my throat and continue in a funny voice. “Your destination is never as exciting as the journey.”

All three of them giggled, though Scoots sounded a bit off.

I return to my normal voice. “So, any other plans for today?”

Chapter 94

After a bit, I leave the CMC to their adventures. I decide to just wander a bit. Eventually I find a long path with the trees of a wooded area on either side, a rocky hill can be seen above the canopy some distance away.

A signpost says the place is called Whitetail Woods. Huh, no puns... I’m a bit surprised. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter. A little drawing which I suppose is a map shows that the trail loops around. I proceed down the little path. I won’t get lost and I do need a bit of time to think... a quiet walk would be nice.

I’m definitely more muscular, but I honestly don’t feel like I’m much stronger or anything. But then, it’s not a huge increase, I’m really just in better shape. I’m no pro wrestler. Then there’s my powers. I suppose it makes sense that the poison I ate did it. If my target was a magic-user and I planned to kill them, I’d remove their magic first. But will I get my powers back once the toxins are fully erased from my system? If I was making the poison, I’d make sure the effect lasted even if the trigger was removed, and it’s not like there aren’t venoms and toxins that have permanent effects.

I look down at my hand and, with another fruitless attempt to Spark up or grow, let out a heavy sigh. I suppose if I am just human now... I could still be an essential part of these ponies’ lives, I’m still special. Just not super special. Anne’s right, I can still be influential. But I will have a bit of a more ordinary life.

What is ordinary life for a human among small, talking, technologically simple horses? You’d think after two years that’d be obvious... but I wasn’t just a person then. I was a star. I was a cosmic force, unmatched.

After a long while, I start thinking about my future here. There’s a possibility that I could go back to Earth but... if the demon thing is real and it’s 2016 there now, I’m not sure if I want to see my home torn apart and burned to the ground, entire cities reduced to burning rubble and stained with innocent blood, spilled for the sole purpose of sating an avarice for the despair of others... I shudder at the mental image my mind drew for me.

No. I’m staying here, for better or for worse, this is my home now. I suppose that means I should work on actually setting up a life here in Ponyville. I sure as hell am not going to live in Canterlot. It has redeeming qualities, but they are few and far between.

I look up and realize I’ve walked the entire way around Whitetail. Kinda impressive as I don’t really feel that tired, though my legs definitely felt the entire trek. I decide to head back to Ponyville, continuing my thoughts. What really makes a place home? Maybe if I had a deeper connection to the ponies around town, not just my friends.

Heh, Pinkie’d love to help with that. But I feel like I need a more... romantic partner. I know Myrna likes me. I’m not entirely sure of how I feel about the prospect of her as more than a friend, though. I guess I should talk with her about that. Once I decide that should be my next goal, I think on what to say. My ‘Mr. Cool’ tactic either fails or ends up with me a statue so I just forgo that.

I get to town and, not knowing where she might be, I ask a random pony. Luckily she’s become quite famous around here as I have, so I don’t even need to describe her as ‘the snake-lady’. I’m pointed to the park, and once there, I see Myrna laying belly-up in a tree, her serpentine body limply spread across multiple branches as she sleeps.

I think about if I should wake her or just wait. Figuring I’d rather not surprise the equivalent of a massive anaconda with petrification powers, I sit down on a nearby bench. I don’t have to wait long as after a bit of time, Myrna yawns and stretches, a very odd sight for something that is mostly a tail. She slithers down the tree trunk, her snakelike body slipping across the branches they were laying on, following her torso like an immense ribbon.

Once she’s on the ground, I get her attention. “Hey there. Have a good nap?”

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“Well, if you didn’t know, I’m kinda juiced out at the moment.” At the weird look she gives me, I elaborate. “My powers are gone. Either completely or temporarily, I don’t know. What I do know is, I’m completely normal... relatively speaking.”

“Ha! As if you’d be ‘normal’, powers or not.” Myrna sighs, scratching the back of her head. Or maybe the snake there. “I wish I could’ve been there for you, but I don’t fit in the library so well. If I curl up, I take up almost half the ground floor.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I figured that I guess since at this point, Earth is demon-chow, trying to get back home would be really stupid so I got to thinking-”

“Don’t hurt yourself.” She joked, cutting me off.

I continue, rolling my eyes. “About settling down here, actually being a citizen or whatever. I guess that I’d need more than just a bunch of friends. I know you like me and all, but... well, if we were going to take the ‘next step.’ then... what would that be? I honestly can’t think of anything that I wouldn’t do with a friend.”

“So... you’d screw Pinkie?” Myrna asks, cocking an eyebrow.

“That’s too far. I’m talking, like, dating and such. Being an official couple. But I don’t quite understand how that would change anything. And for the record, I’m not gonna do anything crazy with any of these ponies. Besides, I already had some time with Pinkie. Once.”

Myrna’s smile turns predatory, and she urges me on. “Do tell.”

“Well the circumstances were rather different, considering she was human at the time. But really, even if she became human again... I think I’d rather not. She’s nice and all but... nah. It was just a kiss anyway. Nothing’s going on between us and it never will. I’m willing to bet Pinkie would say the same.”

Myrna gets a thoughtful look, then nods slightly. She turns to me. “Well, either way... maybe we should get to know each other. After all, if we’re the last two- er, three humans in the world, we should make sure we’re going to stay together, not just exist together. Right?” She smiles beatifically at me, and my hormones take the moment to kick me.

“Woah there, I’m not gonna just jump in the sack with you simply because we’re an endangered species... though I’ll remember the offer for later...”

“What? I wasn’t offering! I was saying that even if we did, we’d want to make sure we could live together, not just raise the same children.”

“Pffft, who wants to raise children? They have people you can pay to do it for you.” I say with the most sarcastic tone I can muster, making it unmistakably clear I was not serious.

An eyebrow raises, and I see that I’ve got three of her five snakes staring at me as well, each of them poking out of her hoodie. It’s kinda strange, though, because it’s a dark hoodie, but a bright, warmish day.

“What? I’m kidding. I wouldn’t do that. For real, why would you think I’d just drop a child- my child on someone else and have them be raised by someone I’m paying to raise?”

Myrna opens her mouth to answer, only to be interrupted by me blinking back a sudden attack by glowing floaties in my vision. Oh yeah, normal people need to eat and drink... fuck. I look around for some kind of drinking fountain, but apparently those either don’t exist or Ponyville doesn’t have outdoor plumbing.

“So thirsty... I’m just gonna go find... somewhere.” I get up, intending to head for some store or something that I could get a drink from.

As I stumbled a bit, feeling slightly light-headed, I feel Myrna catch me. “Here, let me carry you. Ooh, let’s go to the lake! The water’s probably pretty cool, and it should be plenty clean enough with how careful the ponies are about the environment.”

“Yeah, clean. Except for all the fish and what they do in the water... oh well, let’s go.”

“Oh, don’t be such a baby. Humanity survived fish-pooped water and worse for a million years before you or I even existed. I’ve actually been trying to find an excuse to go to the lake for a while.”

“Yeah, sure. Suddenly-dependant friend is in trouble. Hey, let’s go for a swim.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there for you.” Myrna turned to one of the ponies as she passed, and asked the mare to get Anne and send her to the lake. “Besides, that nice white unicorn made me something, and I haven’t had any excuses yet.”

“Yeah, Rarity’s pretty good with clothes. But she’s been disappearing a lot lately. She owes me something, and I plan to cash it in when she gets back.”

“Oh? Something like what you gave Pinkie?” She gives me an eyebrow waggle.

“Not likely considering she... oh wait, I shouldn’t tell you that. You’ll have to ask Rarity. It’s a secret she’s gonna tell me.”

“Aww... Oh, alright, we’re here!” I look over and see that she’s right; the lake looks cool and inviting in the warm afternoon sun. What time of year is it, anyways? It’s so hard to tell when sub-zero and fucking hot feel almost the same to me, not to mention that these pegasi make weather their bitch.

“So yeah, just drop my by the water and I’ll get a drink.” I pause. “I said by not in right?”

“Yep.” Myrna says, still holding me as we move steadily closer to the shore. She still hasn’t put me down, and the long, dirt slope to the water is drawing closer by the moment.

“So is there any particular reason you invited Anne? I mean, yeah you should get to know each other, but anything other than that?”

“Well, I heard about what she went through, and I hope I can help her feel better. Also, I’m pretty sure Rarity made the same gift for her as for me.” Myrna is still carrying me, and the feet of distance to the water is shrinking rapidly.

“You’re going kinda fast, any particular reason? Wait, I’m dying of thirst, dumb question. Sorry, kinda out of it.”

“That’s alright.” Myrna says, and I feel an odd shift in her body. It’s rather hard to describe the sensation, but as I look at her and try to figure it out, I see that her belly, all the way to the snake part and onwards, has somehow formed a concave surface, a runnel as wide as her chest running down her body. It even feels like her ribcage has split to allow it to form the new shape.

Before I can ask what’s going on, she changes her grip on me to a one-armed grip, and uses the other to take off her hoodie, entirely. Underneath is just her and a bikini-top in stunning emerald green to match her scales coloring, with black patterns just like hers on it. Tiny, delicate scales run up her arms, like she’s wearing elbow-length fingerless gloves. More extend daintily up her sides and abdomen.

Without even a splash, she slides onto the surface of the water, undulating to move forward at an even higher speed than before. It’s like a roller-coaster ride, with thin, high rooster tails on either side when she banks towards it.

“Uh, I like the ride and all, but again, I recall saying by the water.”

“I’ve got you, don’t worry.” Myrna begins to curve sharply to the left, coiling atop the water until she’s a giant, floating raft in the lake, and she sets me on her coils. “There, right by the water.”

“Close enough.” I lean over and begin to drink. The water is indeed cool and refreshing. Guess I’m going to have to get used to eating and such again. Once I’m finished, I sit up on Myrna’s coils. “So you just happened to be wearing a swim-top today? Kind of a coincidence...”

“Not really, I actually asked for a bra to replace the one that came with me, but Rarity said that the top is completely waterproof, and is meant to be as similar to my actual scales as possible.” Myrna is reclining forward on her own coils, effectively laying next to me and sunning herself. She’s almost sunk half intot he water, but doesn’t seem to mind or worry. “I’ve actually taken some time to go across the river a few times, it’s how I found out I can do this. I asked Twilight for a book on big snakes, and there’s only a couple as proportionally large as I am. One of them is the anaconda, another is the reticulated python. Both are big snakes, and anacondas can swim. So... tada!”

“You said that as if I don’t know about snakes. Anyway, yeah, but you aren’t a snake exactly. Name one species of snake that has a full mouth of teeth.”

“Actually, I think that my front teeth are just modified human teeth. The ones on the sides match, though. Sorta. See?” She then opens her mouth, pointing at the double rows of teeth on either side of her mouth, each of them parallel and needle-tipped, curved like blackberry thorns to point inwards. It’s still rather unnerving, no less so than the last time I saw them.

“Yeah, so we could just talk about ourselves, but I guess we should wait for Anne, it’d save time.”

“Yeah, alright. And, it’s gonna be so cool to have a human in the group who can fly! Right?” Myrna still sounds pretty enthused. “After all, every super-hero team needs at least one person who can fly.”

I sigh. “We are not a super team, okay? Besides, I’ve never seen her fly at all. Thirdly, for all we know, my super days are over.”

“You can be our batman.”

“Hmmmm... I’m not a huge fan of capes, but I’ll see what I can do.”

“Eee! We get to be a super-team! I’ll need to create a theme-song and costumes and...”

Chapter 95

“Batman? Me? Are you nuts, Myrna?” I give her an incredulous look. “I’ve got eight-hundred bits and no job. Do you know how much just one of those Batarangs cost? One-hundred dollars! Wayne can only manage ‘cause he’s richer than Scrooge McDuck!”

“And you have fingers! think of all the things you could use them for. You could make millions on massages alone. I know that I’d pay for a massage or two from you.”

“Yeah yeah, I know. One thorough back-scratching and Celestia seems to have forgiven pretty much everything I’ve done so far... You and Anne should probably meet the Princesses some time. At least Anne if you already have.”

“I did while you were away. She seems really nice.”

“Yeah, but she’s got a bit of a short fuse at times, though it’s kinda hard to actually light it. Luna on the other hand... well, she also looks out for her subjects, but apparently is a lot more severe, though less forward-thinking.”

“I met her, too. She seems so lonely, though. I wonder if she has any friends of her own?”

“Well, her little Nightmare Moon episode is over, so I don’t see why not. Except there’s the whole goddess-of-the-night thing going on. Doesn’t sound too inviting. She’s fun to mess with though.”

Myrna shoots me a sideways glare. “Don’t be mean to the pretty pony princess, Anthony. She seems like she’s scared of others. Idunno, didn’t get to speak with her much.”

Before I can give any form of response, a bright flare of light blinds me, and I cover my eyes. Almost immediately, I hear shouts of ‘sorry!’ from the shore.

“I thought you could turn that off or something!” I shout over to Anne. She’s the only reflective object I know that can apologize.

“Sorry!” she calls again. “But my wings are still all metal-ey, and and so’s my hair. I’m sorry!”

I sigh and gesture her over to us. I continue my conversation with Myrna as Anne makes her way over to us.

“Well, as for Luna being scared of others, I’m gonna have to call bullshit. If she had the guts to suggest I would take the idea of her locking me up in a dungeon or something and not even protest... well, I’d say she’s not afraid of anyone.”

“Wait wait wait, you think that a politician, literally a hundred-plus times older than the stinkiest master of red tape from the Pentagon, would just spill out every emotion in a place where she’s being watched by the peop- uh, ponies she’s trying to make sure don’t send her back to prison? A prison so bad, she was literally incapable of eating or drinking or anything for a thousand years?”

“No, she’s allowed to hide her emotions, but that doesn’t mean she’s scared of anyone. I showed her what I thought of it and she was pissed off by the time she recovered. If she was scared, she’d have avoided the person who gave her horn third-degree burns and laid her out in under ten seconds.”

“Because, of course, nobody ever lashes out when afraid. because nobody has ever made a rash, mean decision while fearing someone. Nope. Never happened ever.” Myrna looks at me with a deadpan expression.

“Look, all I know is she threatened me, and I made it clear that she shouldn’t. End of story. She’s not scared of me, but I’m not a danger to others. I’m not just go on a rampage and destroy cities for kicks. I don’t like being locked up, so I made that very clear.”

“What, by attacking her? To show you’re not violent? Pfft, that’s some brilliant thinking, there, Holmes.”

“No, I did it because she suggested that the best course of action was to have me detained. I didn’t like that. Besides, I don’t hate her for it, I mean, I made one of my little diamond creation-things for her... before she suggested it. Kinda made it seem like she didn’t care how nice I’d been. I still don’t hate her though.”

“Uh, Anthony, while I’m sure it was a nice gesture... didn’t you know that diamonds are the second most-common gemstone in Equestria? It’s like offering someone a nicely carved piece of granite; it’s cool and all, but not that special. Even I know that, and I’m not really much of a rocks person. Er, well, you know what I mean.”

“So you’re saying that it’s not a nice gesture if the value of the gift is equal to dirt, no matter how much of my own literal energy I put into making it specifically for her? Yeah, you’re right, what was I thinking. Should’ve g-”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it!” Myrna interrupts, and I feel my ‘raft’ dip dangerously close to the cool water of the lake.

“Well I don’t really care.” She can soak me if she wants, I have my opinions and I’m going to speak them, damnit! “Luna and I don’t see eye-to-eye all the time and that’s that, why do you think I have to be super-best-friends with everyone I meet, even when they piss me off?”

“I don’t know, maybe because your reaction to ‘don’t go on a rampage’ is to nearly kill one of the rulers of the land and release one of their oldest enemies without any precautions!” Myrna snaps. “Or maybe you didn’t know Luna was hospitalized for two months after your little stunt? I got a full run-down about the things you’ve done. How you’ve done some really amazing things for this town. And how you’ve taken every chance you can to torment the equivalent to your parole officer on a regular basis!”

My what? “Did they actually say that they were my parole officers? And second of all, don’t you dare act like Discord is a monster. I’ve talked with him. He’s no more monster than a rambunctious child! The princesses are feeding you propoganda like they did to me!”

“Neither they nor I have even once called him a monster, Anthony-”

“They did when I first asked about him. I’m serious, in a few days I’m going to release him again. He’s served his time, and he’s getting let out. Also, I don’t listen to anyone, I have my free will, and not even a pair of over-glorified royal horses are gonna tell me what I can and can’t do.” Feeling fed up with the conversation, I jump off of her and swim to the shore, passing by Anne who was still at the shore. Guess she can’t swim or fly. Oh well.

I head off to... I don’t really care. I wonder if Discord could give me my powers back...

Chapter 96

I’m still walking when I hear I’m being followed. Rolling my eyes, I slow down and let my pursuer catch up. It’s Anne of course.

“If you want to know, apparently Myrna has vastly different opinions of the political heads of this place and we argued. End of story.”

“O- oh, okay... I was just going to ask if you’re alright.” I take the moment to look at her. She’s still wearing a normal tank-top styled shirt, not a fancy swim-top. It’s actually kinda nicer, because it doesn’t feel like she’s trying to display for me or anything.

“Well, I’m fine, but a bit angry. Though I guess when someones main impression of someone is incredibly different from yours... you disagree. Can you believe she thinks the princesses are my parole officers?”

“Uhm... that would be pretty weird. I thought Twilight was, ‘cuz you’re living with her. Like how Fluttershy is keeping an eye on me for now.”

“I live at the library so I can get books and so Twilight can study me and human stuff easier. At least that’s my reason. I can live wherever I want. Heck, I didn’t sleep there until I got a room!”

“Really? So, you weren’t offered a house near the library once you’re done with the intake stuff?”

I scoff. “Of course not. When I left my first visit with the princesses, I was under the impression I was just another citizen. Not a prisoner or criminal. I chose the library because that way I could read and study pony life without having to do any ‘field work’. You understand, right?”

“Uhm... sure. B-but, y’know, parole was originally given to soldiers who surrender peacefully, so that they don’t have to be prisoners, and to new citizens of a kingdom. It- uhm, sorry, I’m rambling.” Anne fluffs her feathers embarrassedly.

“Yes, you are. I’m no soldier. And if I was supposed to be stuck living there, then the princesses sure didn’t give a crap about me sleeping outside the schoolhouse for the first year or so.”

“Oh, there’s a schoolhouse near here? With itty-bitty little ponies? They must be so cute.”

“Yeah. Or annoying. Or a danger to everything and everyone around them. Depends on the kid and the situation. I’m kinda the self-appointed babysitter for the Cutie-Mark Crusaders who, honestly, can wreck half the town in one afternoon if left unattended.”

“Really? But what could such adorable little thin-” Anne is suddenly cut off by a trio of fillies landing on her with some speed, the multicolored blur bearing her to the ground. “- ow...”

I sigh. “What is it this time? Giant slingshot?”

“No, still a catapult. We just started launching ourselves ‘cuz it’s fun.” Scootaloo says, looking up from the pile. Admittedly, the entire pile looks invitingly plush.

“Well, I guess now would be a good time to introduce yourselves to Anne... though personally I’d begin with an apology.” The three chorus an apologetic-sounding, “Sorry miss Anne.” The trio scramble to get off of the poor girl.

“So, Anne, these are the CMC...” I anticipate that the fillies are going to explain the acronym in their usual way. Loudly. As such I cover my ears, mostly blocking out the happy yell of “Cutie Mark Crusaders, yay!”

I lower my hands. “Yeah, that.” I chuckle at Anne’s windswept-looking hair and baffled expression. The bronze harpy turns slowly towards me, her face slowly going neutral.

“They are adorable. See?”

“I never said they weren’t.” I say with a grin, and I pick up the nearest of the three and give her a hug. Turns out it was Scootaloo and she’s all poofy again. Seriously, I can’t tell if she’s part plush toy or what.

Sweetie Belle and Applebloom are picked up by Anne, who hugs the two fillies to her chest, humming slightly. “So what are your names, little ones?” she asks serenely.

The two she’s holding give their names with their usual cheer, but Scootaloo seems to be busy snuggling into my arms. I laugh a little. “And this one’s Scootaloo. She’s my number-one fan or something.”

“Mnuh-uh! I’m Rainbow Dash’s number one fan! You’re just number two, is all.” Even as she says this, she’s kneading my arms like a cat and settling down. For some reason, this is making Sweetie grin widely, and Applebloom blush. I’d like to know why, but I doubt I’d get a straight answer out of them.

I reply to Scootaloo’s ranking of me in my usual fashion. Sarcastically. “So I’m crap then, am I?”

“No! I didn’t say that! You’re cool, just not as cool as Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo butts her head against my chest with a surprising amount of force. I oof.

“Okay okay, guess you don’t know what number two means. Oh well. So Anne, I guess you should meet Noi too. She’s probably back at the catapult.” Still holding Scoots, I begin walking in the direction the CMC flew in from.

The five of us get back to the trebuchet, and see that there’s a line of little ponies and a stack of parachutes next to the miniature siege engine. Noi is sitting behind a counter next to it and has a small pile of bits next to her. Another pony with a parachute steps up, pays her, and sits in the sling, before being launched high and away.

I approach Noi. “Well, you’re certainly making a profit out of this. How long you think you need to keep this up until you’re rich enough to retire?”

Noi pulls out a little notebook, adorned with bright pictures of flowers and kittens on the cover. With a serious face, she flips the notebook open with a hoof. “According to Scootaloo’s calc-oo-lishuns, we only need... fourteen thousand, five-hunnerd, an’ twenty-two more for us to try for a Cutie-Mark Crusaders Millionaires cutie mark.” she looks up at me, keeping a very serious, straight face. It’s utterly adorable.

“Holy mushrooms! You guys are amazing! How can you drum up business this fast?” I briefly imagine the other three being launched into the air over the town with signs attached to them like advert planes. The image alone makes me laugh. I shake my head and set Scoots down on the ground. “Well good luck then, although I don’t think you’d get a mark for being rich. It’d probably be because you have good business sense.”

“Okay, but we’re still gonna try an’ get a million bits, each. Cuz miss Dash said that ah good edu-kitchen is vital for for any pony. And that a million is a lot.”

“It is a lot.” I think of a simple way to explain how high of a number it is in simpler terms. “Uh, think like if you had one thousand, one thousands. That’s a million, six zeros.”

“Oh... that’s more’n we thought it was. Uh, Scootaloo, I think we need to fix th’ maths...” Noi said, and motioned to the others. Scootaloo reluctantly walks off with the others. She and the others begin to talk, Scootaloo scribbling into the notebook with a crayon held in her mouth. Meanwhile, the foals in line began to shift restlessly. Maybe I can keep them here? Or should I just let them go? Being lazy? Or keeping the CMC’s business afloat?

Before I can decide, Anne is already beginning to coo at the little fillies and colts, and is fielding a veritable sea of questions from them. While the customers are distracted, I decide to help speed up the math processing. Having High School education is a far cry from being in elementary school or... whatever grade these kids are in.

I look over the calculations and my mind spins a little. There’s a solid page of calculations, two separate graphs, and a whole pile of doodled notes up and down the sides.

At one point, Cheerilee asked me to make sure that Scootaloo did some homework if she tried hanging out with me, because she’s failing her grade, whatever grade she’s in.

How?! This kid’s writing down what I usually had in my Algebra notes! Seriously! Well... maybe she’s failing history or something. Either way, I take a closer look to make sure her math is actually sound, not just impressive to look at. Fancy equations only work if they are used properly.

To my genuine surprise, they appear to be perfectly fine, but I keep hearing her mutter the wrong names for some of the larger denominations. she’s calling thousands ‘double-hunnerds’ and the hundred thousands ‘not-millions’. It’s looking like she’s got the millions right. Then why the heck did she get it wrong in the first place? She obviously knows what she’s doing, but she just didn’t understand the exact value? This kid is the stupidest genius I have ever met... but then, she’s young. I make a mental note to ask exactly which class she’s failing.

“Hey, Anthony, real quick, what number is the million? I know this far, but when’s the million?” Scootaloo asks, holding up a list from the ones place to the hundred billions, each carefully annotated mathematically, but no letters at all.

Not knowing whether to clap or sigh, I simply take the page and the crayon and add titles underneath each number, putting a line under each name to make it clear which number is given which name. Overall, I feel like I should just give her a quick rundown or a brief tutoring session in pre-algebra just so she knows what she’s doing.

A kid who doesn’t look past fourth grade, and she can multiply like a Junior-high freshman. She reminds me of me... only better...

“Well?” I realize I’ve been staring at her with a thoughtful expression for an unknown length of time.

“Nothing. I think I might ask Cheerilee if you might be allowed to take a harder math class. I have a feeling you might be bored during your normal classes.” With a grin I hand back the page.

“But which one is the million?” She asks, looking perplexed. She peeks at the page and looks up and down.

Ohhhh, now I get it, she’s not a very avid reader. I suppose I could help with that. Until then... I just point to where I’ve written “One Million” and the number above it.

“This one, see? Six zeroes.”

“Oh! Alright, thanks Anthony!” She nuzzles my hand, poofs up, and starts scribbling again.

She stares down at the numbers she’s written up.

“Alright girls, we either need a lot more customers, or a hundred new catapults! We can do this!”

Oh god, what have I done?

Chapter 98

I’m walking towards Luna’s quarters and there’s her usual bat-pony guards. I’m sure there’s a name for them but it’s not that important. When the pair sees me, I get different reactions from both. One just returns his gaze to the air in front of him. The other starts shaking a little and just opens Luna’s door, stepping aside to let me by. This gets an odd look from his companion, who opens his mouth, but the nervous guard, whom I recognize now as the one I threatened a year ago, just shakes his head with a badly hidden attempt to not look nervous at my presence.

Guess he remembers me. Once I’m inside, I close the door behind me and see Luna laying on her bed.

“Heya princess.”

“Anthony, I’d suggest you leave before word gets around that you and I have spent time in my chambers alone. I fear it will only make our reputations in Canterlot worse.”

“I plan on fixing that. I did it for Ponyville, so then I just have to stop it here. A few other places as well, but they’re not that high on my list.”

“If you manage to convince Canterlot that I have absolutely no romantic interest in you, I would be greatly appreciative.”

“Yeah. Just don’t let them know where you got that pendant or they’ll probably take it as an engagement gift.” I sit down on the bed next to her. “Then they’ll wanna know what the kids would look like.”

“As if I would ever participate in anything of that sort with you, much less bear your children.”

“Yeah, you could probably do better.”

Luna looks at me quizzically. “I have never heard you say anything that would imply you believe yourself to be imperfect.”

“I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty darn close.” I say with a small smile. “Don’t get used to it.”

“I don’t plan on it.” The answer was short and quick.

I sigh. “Listen Luna, I know you pretty much hate me but... this really isn’t helping either of us.”

“So you’re here to apologize?”

“Well, uh, kinda. I mean... I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just... you... I don’t want to be caged or held back. I understand I’m dangerous but I see suggestions like that to be an attack on my freedom. I know I went too far, even for self-defense.” I can’t bring myself to look her in the eyes. “You just... pressed a button and... If I’m not given time to cool down or just think, I go to extremes.”

“You really hurt me, you know.”

“I know, and I really am sorry.” I think back to the issue with the changeling/Lightning Bolt.

“If I hadn’t come by while the house was empty... I would have murdered a mare...” I didn’t know she was a changeling, and my anger was pointed at the mare who was being impersonated. “If she hadn’t been a Changeling. If I hadn’t been forced to wait and think... I would have killed her, painted the walls of her house with her blood, and orphaned the young filly I wanted to help.”

Luna just looks at me, but I still can’t meet her gaze.

“I’m not a monster, but I have... triggers. And you pushed one. I know you didn’t mean to, and I know it was just to protect your subjects...” I sigh heavily. “If you still wish me killed or contained because of how dangerous I am, I can’t blame you. I won’t like it and I will fight for myself... but I’m not saying you’d be at fault for trying.”

“Despondency doesn’t suit you, Anthony.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because usually you are happy. Childish, rambunctious, unpredictable, annoying, and strange. But still happy.”

“Yeah yeah, Hero of Equestria, amazing warrior from another land, rumored boyfriend of the Element of Laughter.” I roll my eyes.

“As much as they overdramatize and gossip about you, I’m sure they honestly do like you.”

“I’ll just take your word for it. Anyway, Celestia gave me an idea on how to start apologizing to you.” I look at her and grin.

“Oh? And what might that be?” I respond by giving her a devilish grin and begin doing what I had done with Celestia, recalling that apparently wings are rather sensitive.

She seems a bit frustrated, but after a while I find the right rhythm and spots and work on putting a bit more pressure into her back. She then starts to enjoy it, pushing up against my fingers and relaxing visibly.

Once I’m done, Luna seems much more content than I’d seen her thus far.

“Heh, I take it you enjoyed that?”

“You certainly give new depth to the word ‘dexterity’. I... thank you Anthony, that was very relaxing.” She then gets up off the bed, though she stumbles a bit.

“I do have other matters to attend to.” She heads for the door. “But I really do appreciate it, it was... nice.”

“No problem.” I figure that since there’s nothing left to do, I could just wander around Canterlot until I get bored enough to head back home. As I’m leaving the castle gates, a pony rushes up to me and I’m blinded by a flashbulb. Then a bunch more show up and they all start hammering me with questions.

“All of you shut up!” Once they’ve quieted down, I find a place to sit down and address the mob of press. “Alright, ask your questions one at a time and I’ll answer them. If I want to. I wouldn’t suggest pushing me to answer something I don’t want to.”

Once they all agree to my terms, they begin. “Why were you at the castle?”

“To talk with Celestia.”

“And what did you talk about? Does it have anything to do with your romantic involvement with the princesses?”

“Yes. Specifically the fact that there is none and we plan to stop these stupid rumors.”

“And your relationship with the Elements of Harm-”

“We’re friends. Nothing more. Period.”

“I see, and how do you plan on stopping the rumors?”

“I’ll start by asking nicely. If that doesn’t work, I’ll start punching faces and breaking legs.” A few of the press ponies squirm uncomfortably.

“A- alright then. A few months ago, you were reported to have disappeared. Why?”

“I wanted a vacation. It sucked.”

“Where’d you go?”

I’m getting tired of this. “Not here.”

“Okay, and-”

“Actually, I have a message for all of Canterlot. Can I trust you will write it down and present it exactly as how I dictate it? Tell me the truth, not what I want to hear.”

“Well... we might tweak it a bit in editing...”

“Then I won’t bother. Just have it say that I have a very important message for all of Equestria, and the nature of the statement is unknown. You can pile whatever theoretical crap you want on it, as long as you specifically state that they are just blind guesses.”

“Right...” The pony finishes writing in his notepad. “Anything else?”

“I suppose I could answer a few more questions.”

A stallion speaks up from the small mob. “Is there any connection between you coming here and the demon that attacked Ponyville last year?”

“I have no idea.”

“Do you like living in Equestria?”

“No comment.”

“The Equestria Inquirer asks, ‘will you be attending the Grand Galloping Gala this year?’”

“I don’t know what that is, so I’m going to say no.”

“Are you currently accepting squires?”

“What? You mean like a sidekick? Heck no. Why would I do that?”

“Because then you have someone to boss around? Wait, no, we’re asking you questions! What’s your favorite food, the Equestrian Food Weekly wants to know!”

“Hmmm... depends on my mood I guess, but you can never go wrong with crispy bacon.”

“Do you support the slaughter of innocent pigs?”

“Well, they aren’t exactly sentient where I come from, so that’s never bothered me. They’re just livestock.”

“There’s been reports of multiple other humans arriving. Are there plans from your homeland to invade or colonize?”

“There are only three of us, and we don’t even know how we got here. Coming here wasn’t exactly planned. It just happened.”

“Has your recent knighthood been confirmed, and is the temple to the Endbringers really being erected in your honor?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Seriously. Any of it. No clue”

“Are the rumors of your relationsh-”

“I have no relationships, in the romantic sense, at all.”

“So you don’t have an illegitimate-”

“If you say ‘love child’ I’m going to shove that notepad up your rear end until it comes out your nose. No.”

The reporters’ babble continued to rise in volume, until Luna steps forth and shouts at the crowd hard enough to literally bowl them over.

“SHUT UP!!!!”

It’s not so much an exclamation as a proclamation, and the stunned reporters are not-so-gently scooped up by the bat-based sentinels. they’re eventually cleared out, and I see that Luna looks inordinately pleased with herself.

“Finally!” I say. “Someone aside from me has the nerve to give these ponies a reason to crap themselves.”

“We have- er, I have never understood my dear sister’s need to preserve their petty ‘freedom of the press’.” Luna sniffs imperiously and turns back to her room.

Pleased that the questioning is over, I decide to return to Ponyville. I wonder if Twilight is back. I’d like to ask her a few questions.

Well, when I finally return to the library and find it empty, I decide that they won’t be back until late in the afternoon or something. Whatever they’re doing, they’re probably off enjoying themselves.

Sitting back, I think over the day. Also, I hadn’t seen Cadence while I was in Canterlot; not that I specifically looked for her or anything. Eh, she’s probably just doing... whatever she does during the day. I briefly wonder if her usual activities involve random pairings of ponies and watching them either completely deny it or try to make it work... or she just likes messing with me. Hard to tell with that mare, honestly.

I give the super-specially locked drawer another glance, wondering just what Twilight could have written that’s so important. Deciding that it can’t be helped without the key, I just leave it alone. I then realize that today would have been a great opportunity to tell Luna about the Lyre, had I brought it... Damn.

While laying on my bed, I hear the door downstairs open. Must be Twilight. I figure I should do the friendly thing and greet her, so I walk downstairs. However, when I get to the ground floor, I see that there’s an orange and yellow pony with carrots on her butt, the same one from my first few days here... heh, guess Ponyville is smaller than it looks.

The mare is nosing around some of the books, and I’m about to call her out on it, until I remember that this is a public library, not Twilight’s personal one. But the way she acts with these books, it’s kind of hard to remember that.

Eventually the carrot-pony notices my arrival and turns around. “Oh! Anthony, I didn’t see you there. Uhm, where’s the ‘Guide to Spring’s Harvest’? It was down here last time I came in, but...”

“I don’t know. I’d probably just check all the books by author. I didn’t do any reshelving, and neither Twilight or Spike have been around all day so... it should be here unless Twi took it with her.”

“Oh... uhm, where on the shelves would ‘Gentle Rain’ be, then? That’s the author.”

“Well I don’t know what genre it is so you kinda have to check all of the shelves, but at least you only have to search for the author’s name so it shouldn’t be that hard. Sorry I’m not too helpful.”

“No, no, that’s alright, you’re just- ah, right, you don’t work here. It’s alright.” Carrot-butt steps backwards a little ways before reorienting and looking around the shelves.

“Well, if you find it, I guess you can take it, I’ll just write a note or something. No idea where Twilight keeps her check-out records.”

“Alright. Oh! There it is.” She turns towards me for a moment, holding the book in her mouth. Then, as if trying to figure out what to do, she turns back and forth. Finally, she shrugs and starts trotting off, leaving the library. Weird mare. Oh well, guess it’s back to waiting.

Back in my room I think about the Lyre. I pull it out and try strumming it but, as expected, it’s less than spectacular. Yep. No powers, no lyre, no music. Great.

Idly sitting with the Harp in my lap, I think for several minutes. Not about anything in particular, just letting my mind wander. I feel a strange thrumming sensation in my bones, making me shiver slightly. It’s like a bassline being strummed right into me, and I can feel myself get up and start moving.

Oddly, it’s not like I’m being moved by something else, but more like I’ve fallen into an old pattern, one I’ve never actually used before. And yet...

And yet it feels so natural. I hear some kind of music that I don’t recognize.

From out of nowhere, I hear words spoken into my ear, and feel the urge to open the window -which I do- and sing the words. I can even tell exactly how to sing the words.

I fight back against the alien compulsion, and see that there’s something like a parade marching down the main street of Ponyville, each of the ponies joining into the song. A stronger push to sing the words fills my mind, and I make a titanic effort not to. There’s something like a skipped note in a vinyl record, as the music stops for a moment. Then, the urge fades, and the song continues, the power having frozen for the duration of the note and no longer.

As the song fades, I think just one thing to myself.

What the allegorical fuck just happened?

Chapter 99

Seriously, what just happened, and why are all the ponies ignoring that it just happened? Am I the only one who remembers this happening just now? It’s like a real-life BLAM... jeez.

Leaning out the window to see if there’s any ponies nearby to ask about this, I see that there’s a couple of ponies chatting nearby the library. It’d probably be best to go down to them, so I head downstairs once more, planning to ask what the huge two-second parade was about.

Opening the door, I look to the two ponies chatting, and see that one is a dark pegasus guy with a mohawk mane, and the other is the smith I’d talked to earlier.

Mental note: remember to talk about getting armor. I return my attention to the stallions. “Hey guys. Uh, what was up with that crazy music?”

The two look up at me. “Hey, Anthony! Haven’t seen you in a while. And what do you mean what was up with it? I didn’t see where that one started, so I’m not too sure, actually.”

“Well, it was... weird. I mean, I don’t really know what action or occurrence would need a musical number that involved the entire populace of the nearby area. You guys have some sort of holiday today?”

“Not that I know of, but most of those musicals are planned in advance. Ess-em-ens are pretty common in Ponyville, though, just ‘cuz of all the weirdness around here. Gotta let the leylines vent, y’know?” The stallion chuckles knowingly.

“Hmmm... magical leylines? Like,magical buildup?”

“Yeah, like, uh, those flame vents in the fire swamp. But musical, y’know? Especially with the leylines movin’ closer over the last few years.”

“So... you just have a giant musical number to release energy... How does everyone just know the words to the song and stuff? Does it just...” I think back to when I felt the overwhelming urge to join in. “Nevermind, I think I got it. It just sort of happens when someone starts singing?”

“Well, uh, it’s magic. Idunno more than that, you’d want to ask a unicorn or Miss Cheerilee about that. It just happens, y’know?”

“Actually... I think I do. I recall something being mentioned called ‘Harmonic Magics’. Like, if someone is acting a certain way... the magical properties of the action could influence others... holy shit I’m turning magic into science.” I facepalm. “Just... forget I said anything.”

The pegasus looks really confused. “Wait, isn’t magic a type of science? Or... is it the other way around?”

“I don’t know. Humans have a history of having magic be pretty much the opposite of science. It’s... complicated.”

The pegasus shrugs, flapping his wings to keep himself aloft as he puts his forelegs up in a classic ‘idunno’ pose. The two start talking when it becomes apparent I’m not talking to them anymore.

I just go back to my room and think about this... after a moment, I decide I should probably write down some information. Grabbing some ink and a quill, and some paper I make a list of facts.

Magic buildup needs to be released.

Magic buildup occurs more often when there’s more magic in an area.

I’m hungry.

...

Damnit brain! Sighing I head to the kitchen to find something to eat. I never could think on an empty stomach.  Making myself a quick sandwich, I start again.

‘Harmonic Magicks’ have an affect on the immediate public area, this explains why some of my music is not as well received, possibly.

Questions:

Why does the magical release manifest itself as music?

Is it possible for this magic buildup to be used in another way that could be more beneficial

Why am I affected, even if not as much, despite not being a pony?

Why have I never noticed anything like this before? Supposedly this happens regularly, but it’s the first time I’ve seen it during my two-year stay.

I look over my list and figure I’ll just show it to Twilight when she gets back. She’ll probably have some kind of presentation for me about it, so I just expect that I’ll be a captive student for a while... oh well, it’s actually something I want to know.

Once I’ve decided there’s nothing else to add to the list, I just put it on Twilight’s desk. If I forget about it, she’ll see it. That done, I notice that it’s actually a bit late in the afternoon... I wonder if they’ll be okay. Eh, if it was a real problem, Celestia would have me come by... except she doesn’t know I’m powerless... That might have been worth mentioning.

Nah, Twi and her friends are pretty resourceful, I’m just good at providing the level of violence that most ponies tend to avoid. Guess it helps, but it also means I’m not that important... ah who am I kidding, they’d be dead without me. I’m the best bet they got around here.

But I’m also bored out of my mind. Another knock at the door sounds from downstairs. For the third time today, I head down to see what other pony might need help. I open the door.

“It’s a public library. The door’s unlocked.”

Outside is a pony with a golden, indeed metallic coat and a brassy, almost bronze sweep of hair for a mane. She smiles up at me.

“Uh... can I... help you?”

She springs forward gripping me around the middle in a tight, almost spine-breaking hug. “Wow, you’re so much cooler-looking in person!”

“Th- thanks... urk, who are you?”

“You c’n call me Gladius!” The mare backs up, and I get a better look at her as she looks me over. “Huh, you’re not as muscular as I’d expect.” the mare comments. I get a good look at her eyes as she stares me in the eye, her blood-red irises sparkling slightly.

The mare herself is actually pretty athletic looking, even more so than Rainbow Dash, and a pair of wings flutter slightly at her sides, a simple sword as her cutie-mark.

“Muscle size isn’t important, I’m still the toughest guy around. So, Gladius huh? You a swordsmith or something?”

“Nah, I’m a soldier. See?” She turns slightly, and I see that she’s got a bronze sword strapped to her side, under a wing. The handle looks just like the one on her cutie-mark, go figure.

“Well, what’s a soldier want with me? I guarantee you I’m not signing up for the militia force, if that’s the idea.”

The mare laughs a hearty, strong laugh. “No, no, you’re fine where you are. Nah, I just wanted to meet you ‘cuz the rest of my siblings seem to be doing that, and I’m usually the pointmare for us. Hey, d’you mind if sleep on your couch, I’m beat.” Without even waiting for a response, she casually pushes past me and flops onto the couch in the main room of the library.

Siblings? I didn’t... wait. “So, you’re ‘nother constellation. Yeah, I’ve kinda been temporarily... what’s that word you guys use?”

“Castrated.” She volunteers cheerfully. “No, wait, that’s not right... Gelded, that’s it!”

I get a horrified look on my face. “No! No no no! That... thing where you lose you star core thingy!”

“Yeah, magically gelded. And it’s still there. Whatever you did, it’s just real teeny tiny. It’s kinda like a little baby star, except baby stars are actually real big. Old stars are tiny. So it’s like a teeny little grandpa star!”

“Sure... but I’m pretty sure there’s another word for it. de-something, it had nothing to do with losing my dick!”

“Whaaat? When did genitals come up in this conversation, and why aren’t we talking more about them?”

I facepalm. “Castration, or gelding, is the act of... well for normal people or ponies, cutting off one’s penis, making them sexually useless.”

“Wait, really? I thought castration is where they cut off your sack, ‘cuz your dick getting chopped won’t make the urge go away. Speaking of, have you gotten laid any time recently? ‘Cuz I haven’t, and I’d love to.” She pauses for a second. “Does this town have a brothel? It totally should.”

Jeez, this mare. “I don’t know if it does, honestly. I haven’t looked because I don’t plan on fucking a pony.”

“Why not? I’ve fucked a pony. He then went on to unite a nation. Hey, maybe if you-”

“I won’t because I’m not a pony. Not on your life. Ever. Got it?”

Gladius looks at me quizzically over the edge of the couch. “Wow. You really want blueballs that bad? Whatever, maybe you can join my bro in the stick-up-ass briga-”

“I’m not gay either, dammit! I’m just not gonna bone a pony. I have other options around here... but I’d rather actually have a relationship before I just fuck a girl.”

“...I was referring to Galeam, mister no-fun-protect-and-do-no-more. That said, that would be hot. As in, literally. You two would probably blow up, and like, wipe out half the night sky. Kinda cool to think about, actually. Man, just imagine, an explosion so big, you can see it from anywhere!”

“Too bad, I’m not doing any ponies... or anything male. Seriously. Wait, that guy’s your brother!?” I can’t even begin to imagine any form of relation.

“Yeah, Galeam, he’s ‘the shield’, I’m ‘the sword’. It’s hilarious, ‘cuz he’s the one who never uses his sword. Wait, maybe it’s poetic. Ironic? Idunno. It’s funny.”

I facepalm. “You should hang around with Cadence...”

“Oh, yeah, the new lovebutt! Terrible, what happened to her predecessor, but I can’t work miracles. Well, I can, but not a miracle to stop fifteen-hundred enraged, castrated gryphons. Man, they were pissed at her. Hell of a curse she did, too, for ruining Romeorange and that one chick’s marriage.”

Wait, that was history? Well, it was in with the Wunderland books which were real... Guess I should have seen that coming.

“So, other than coming down here to see me and get a dicking... not at the same time, what are you doing here on the ground?”

“Eh, auntie Luna’s been moping around ‘cuz she thinks the ponies still hate her, and momma Selene is still pissed at auntie for leaving those giant blotches on her for a thousand years. Basically, I’m hanging out here while my family stops being a bunch of drama-heads. And get laid. Ah, I can’t wait to light some colt’s fire. Maybe get him to go slay a hydra or something. Whoo, that’d get me so wet...”

“Well, you could get on that now. I’m thinking I’ve had enough of our ‘conversation’. And when you’re done, don’t tell me the details, just... go somewhere else, okay?”

“Oh, alright. If you’re gonna be a grump, I’m gonna sleep.” And like that, she begins snoring lightly, already asleep.

Dafuq did I get myself into? Wait, I didn’t get me into this... dafuq did Lyra get me into? She is kinda right though. I don’t really need to get laid right now, but... eh, I can just take care of it myself... I wonder how that works for stallions? Maybe it doesn’t...

That would explain a bit, actually.

Chapter 101

I awake to the sound of something crashing to the wood floor, and a somewhat-quiet ‘oops’. For a few moments, I think that someone’s broken into the library, then I remember that Gladius is downstairs, and probably the one making the ruckus.

I walk down the stairs to see what happened. “Don’t screw up the place too bad, because of course Twilight’s going to blame me, and I only want to be blamed for something I had the fun of breaking in the first place.”

“Y’ got any booze in this place? Like any beer? Even that cheap crap that unicorns make is fine, I just wanna get drunk.” is the reply, Gladius visible as I reach the bottom of the stairs, walking into the kitchen.

“None that I’m aware of. Last I knew, this place is drier than a desert. I do know a bar in town though, and it is actually good stuff.”

“Cool. You’re buying, right? Thanks, let’s go get hosed!” Gladius struts to the door, pushing me along with an outstretched wing. It’s not fair, really, she seems way stronger than a pony ought to be, and I don’t get a strength boost from being a star.

Either way, though, I’m not passing up a good excuse to go drinking, and relent to her pushes.

Making sure I still have my bag of bits in my pocket, I lead her to the Frothy Mug. This pony right here is miles different from any other I’ve met. Oh well, at least I have an excuse to actually see what getting drunk is like. And Twilight won’t be here to give me hell for it. Perfect timing for me!

We step into the bar, and I’m quietly thankful it’s open pretty late. Especially given that it’s almost two in the morning, and I know that Stoic and Berry have kids. Sure enough, I see that the mostly silent barkeep is still behind the bar, but so is Berry. I’m mildly curious about where the kids might’ve gotten to, until I see that the two littluns are passed out together in a little cot by the bar.

Gladius steps up to the bar and declares that I’m paying for the drinks, and that she wants whatever is available. In a double-pint mug.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna... not argue.”

Stoic shrugs, and pulls out a pitcher topped with froth from somewhere under the bar, and pours it into a mug half the size of the pitcher. the mug slides to Gladius’ waiting hooves, and she begins to drink it, not waiting to breath at all. Show-off.

I sigh. “I’m probably not gonna want to remember any of this so... gimme something too. Not feeling too picky at the moment.”

Berry looks over at me. “Whaddaya prefer from your booze?”

“No idea, never been hammered before. All I’ve ever really had aside from your stuff is cheap grocery-store beer.”

“Grocery store beer? Who the hell serves beer at a- oh never mind. Here, lemme slide you a cider. It’s local make, I think you’ll like it.” Berry pours a normally-sized glass of an amber-orange liquid and slides it to me. I grab it and expect it to taste like normal apple cider, with alcohol. However the alcohol isn’t as strong as I’d thought. Yeah, I could probably use this.

I nod happily to Berry, who smiles back. I turn to Gladius, who is still chugging beer, but she’s moved on to simply finishing off an entire two-gallon keg at once. I reiterate my previous thought: Show-off.

After a couple of hours and more than a few drinks, I’m having trouble standing. It’s not that I’m feeling woozy or off-balance, it’s just that everything seems to have too much inertia, and my arms keep moving farther than I mean, my legs are way too long for some reason, and my depth perception seems to have wandered off to have a drink of its own. It’s like stepping off a tilt-a-whirl, but without feeling the annoying dizziness. A warm sense of happiness is pervading my being.

I turn to look and see how Gladius is doing, but actually making my head stop in the right direction is a bit difficult for a moment.

“If thish is drunk... not sho shhhhpecial...”

I stop to think over my words, and write it off. I’m not drunk, I can slur if I feel like it. I peer at Gladius, and see that she’s busy taking drinks and then passing them to nearby mares and stallions. Berry doesn’t seem to happy, but I think that’s more for the shouting than anything.

Oh wait, now she’s just had the entire bar pitch in to buy a full keg of beer, and they’re lifting it for her to chug. The barrel is bigger than she is! She should explode from that much drink!

However, she doesn’t. Instead, she chugs it for some amount of time, and I’m caught up in the euphoric chanting for her to ‘chug!’. I’m passed more ciders, which taste good. I can’t even tell there’s alcohol in them any more!

I start thinking about how Gladius wanted to get laid so bad and a question comes to mind that I just end up speaking aloud, though I don’t feel it’s very important.

“Whaaaat I wanna know... why do you ponies wanna f-fuck me. I mean, I know I’m shexy but... I might as well just fuck a kicken... er sumthin’.”

None of the ponies seem to hear me, and I turn to a mare that’s sidled up next to me, and try to ask the question again, but differently. Afterall, insanity is doing something twice the same way, and expecting different results.

“Sheriously, why’d’y’all want a peesh ah me, anyway? Heck, shome of you are ugly as sin!” The mare looks offended. “And then you think fat is shexy! Like, what the crap guysh? Who wants a wife that c’n roll faster’n walk?”

The mare puts her snout up in the air, walking away with a ‘hmph!’ Prude.

I’m not sure how much longer it is until the bar is shut down, and we wander back to the library. At least, I’m fairly sure it’s the library. Like, 50-50 it’s the library.

I plop down onto a bed that I think is mine, and lay back. This was a good night. I shwear it wash. Wash a doo...

I think I’m asleep.

No wait, now I’m-

Chapter 102

The spears of the sun’s unholy wrath pierce my eyeballs, and the disgusting taste of my own breath makes me want to gag. So this is what a hangover is. I thought they came with heada- oh, wait, there it is. Either that or someone has mistaken my head for a coconut, and is trying to make a pina colada. With a jackhammer. And dynamite.

Okay, drinking? Fun, good, etc. Hangovers? No fun, bad, etc.

Blinking away the solar assault upon my eyes, I curse Celestia and look around. It seems I made it to the library at least, but I’m in Twilight’s room. I can also feel a soft, fuzzy body right next to me.

Oh god, did Twilight get home and- no, wait, that’s ridiculous, the sun wouldn’t be in the view of this window if it was any later than early morning. Then who-

Gladius yawns miasmically, reaching a hoof over my torso and snuggling closer.

I don’t know if that possibility is better than the Twilight possibility, or worse.

I shake Gladius with my arm in an attempt to wake her up. “Gladius, please tell me we didn’t do anything I’d regret... in Twi’s bed?”

The star-pony continued to snore slightly, the noise grating on my super-sensitive eardrums. Oh mighty overlord of all things ever, why would you invent the hangover? I can’t even feel happy that I went out drinking, and I can’t help but think about the slightly sticky patch on the back of my leg, where Gladius had been spooning up to me.

I decide that now would be a very good time to get up and take a shower. I stumble out of the bed and towards the bathroom, and hope I am not right about what happened last night. Unfortunately, there are only two possibilities of what could be on my legs and I don’t like either of them.

I start the shower, and get ready to step in, only to find that my boxers are rather effectively stuck to my hips and crotch. There is no way that can be good.

I decide that the best option would be to get in the shower anyway and hope I can wash away whatever fluids are making my boxers... sticky. I shudder at the possibilities. That mare is not good for me to be around.

After a few moments in the shower, I hear the bathroom door open, and turn to look over the relatively short shower curtain, seeing that Gladius has wandered in. Her mane, which was previously just as ruler-straight as Twilight’s, is a snarled mess. Without saying a thing, she climbs into the shower with me, ignoring my protests.

“Listen, I really don’t want to think about what happened last night, but if I knocked you up, I’m pushing you down the stairs.”

Gladius completely ignores me, even going so far as to duck under me to get to where the water is coming down, and pushes me towards a wall so as to be the only one in the shower’s radius.

“Wait your bloody turn, damnit!” I pick her up and toss her out of the shower. She splays out on the tiled floor with a yelp, the sound sending an auditory icepick through my eardrum. I can’t believe Twilight ever thought that sound couldn’t hurt...

The confused-looking star-pony finally seems to notice me. “Oh, what the fuck, dude? I just wanted a shower!”

“Yeah, and I got here first. I don’t know what we might have done last night, but my boxers are so sticky I can’t take them off!”

“Oh, sorry ‘bout that.”

I freeze up. “You... we... Oh shit!”

“What? So I spilled some of that cider on your britches, it’s not like we had sex.”

I sigh in relief. Some of my headache abates out of sheer euphoria. “Oh thank goodness.” But then a thought enters my head. “Although that leaves my leg. Either I got some cider there as well, or you were feeling pretty ‘happy’. Gross”

“Hey, what’s with the hate? Last time I went drinking, I was celebrating the siege of Trot. The brew just brought back some rather pleasant memories of the serving colts who gave me some rather nice service.” She leers at me with her sanguineous-tinted eyes. “If you know what I mean.”

“I do, unfortunately. And you’re not gonna get a repeat from me. I’m just glad Twi didn’t come home and find us sleeping in her bed. Whether we screwed or not, she’d have bit my head off!”

“Hmm... in a metaphorical sense, or a literal one? ‘Cuz I’d do the metaphorical one, if you kno-”

“YesI know, andno it’s not gonna happen!” I shake my head. “Suddenly I’m wishing for the usual super-conservative ponies again, what is with you?”

“Hey, it’s not my fault ponies have changed so much in the last thousand or so years! I mean, jeez, they even wear clothes that aren’t armor or showing off how important their family is! So hard to get an eyeful of flank anymore.”

“I’m going to pretend you never said anything. Since we met.”

“Aww, don’t be such a party pooper. Ooh! Speakign of parties, I bet I could get with that one pink filly who throws the parties. Y’know, the Element. Man I bet that’d be some wild-”

“First of all, you are not going to show yourself around Ponyville anymore unless you grow up and stop acting like a horny teenager. Secondly, I’m not sure if Pinkie’s even into mares.”

Gladius rolls her eyes. “Oh, please, what can you even do to stop me? Besides, I am all grown up. Lookit these hips! I could bear foals if I wanted, and I can beat any other champion of war. Seriously, in any duel, I could win with three hooves tied behind my back!” Gladius stands on her back legs, shadowboxing with a grin.

“How about a Pokemon Battle? Bet I could beat you in one of those.”

“Ooh, I’d love to let you poke me, mon!” She grins lecherously as the water continues to cascade down me.

I facepalm. “No! A Pokemon battle is... oh forget it. It’s nothing sexual in any way! Pokemon stands for pocket monsters and... oh...”

Gladius smiles broadly. “I can speak neighponese, you know. And I love hearing about how you’ll beat me with your ‘pocket monster’. Wanna give it a try in the shower, or has it gone cold already?” I’m kinda glad to say it actually is cold at this point, if only to deny her the pleasure of a shower entirely.

“Not at all. If you’re a penguin.” I step out of the shower and toss her in. “Enjoy, horndog.”

“Whoo!” she stands up, her mane whirling suddenly around her. “Selene’s teats this is cold!” I laugh and walk out, grabbing the sole towel along the way. Petty victories are still victories.

I head back to my room and decide that I’d really prefer if Gladius left before Twilight gets back. I did kinda want to introduce her to a constellation pony, but this one seems like way too much to handle until Twi gets back...

As if the universe seeks to mock my hungover self, the front door slams open, the sound driving needles into my poor brain even while I sit on my bed. I groan and look at the tiny clock hung on the wall. Wait, how’s it almost 1pm? How long was I just sitting here? Or was I asleep that long? Hard to tell.

I hear Twilight shout up from the ground floor, “Anthony! I’m back! Are you and Anne still alright?” Oh, please just kill me now, the shouting is pure torture!

I walk downstairs. “Yeah, I’d be great if you had a hangover-removal spell. Also, make with the magic garbage stuff, gimme my powers back.”

“What? I can’t hear you!” Twilight says, looking into the kitchen. As she pulls her head back out, she sees me. “Oh, there you are. What did you say?” She looks pretty tired, with dark bags under her eyes. She’s still speaking a little loudly.

I get closer. “Remove my hangover, give back my powers.”

“Drink water!” She half-yells back, “And wait! Idunno how long the poison will- wait, you lost your powers?!” For cripe’s sake, I’m right in front of you! What’s with the yelling, did she go to a big concert or something?

“Listen, if you could just quiet down and stop yelling, that’d be great. Also, there’s someone I’d like... okay no, I wouldn’t like you to meet her, but...”

Twilight stares at me for a few moments before a look of revelation catches up to her. In a quiet, venomous whisper, she says, “You brought someone home and screwed them, didn’t you? Damnit, Anthony, that’s the last thing I need right now! Agh, please at least tell me you used you own bed!”

“Yeah, about that, I-” I start, but she interrupts me with an enraged-sounding snarl before I can explain nothing happened.

“Oh for the love of- I don’t even care! I’m going to bed, and you can go screw your harlot! I’m tired!” Twilight stomps up to her room in a huff. Gladius peeks out of the bathroom, and looks either direction before coming down to the bottom floor. “Wow. she’s got a set of lungs on her. And a nice flank, too! You gonna t- wait, no, you don’t do ponies.” Gladius thinks for a moment as I stare at Twilights strangely irrational exit. “Ooh, that mean’s she’s open, right?”

“Listen, normally I’d want to kick you out, but now that I’m in trouble, you are staying right here until Twilight wakes up and can meet you.”

“Hmm... and if I just fly out a window?”

“Well, I may have a problem with you, but last I checked, yeah, Twi’s free. And in my opinion, really needs to get laid sometime. You’re allowed to offer if you stay.”

“Sweet. Anyways, I’m gonna wander off. Have fun!” Gladius opens her wings and springs out a window higher in the tree before I can do anything. And before I can react to that, she shouts in pain, and falls back inside, covering her eyes. “Oh sweet Selene, the sun is right out that window!”

I can’t hold back a chuckle.

“Wait, isn’t the sun just a star, too? You’re a constellation, you tell him to go the fuck away, why don’t ya?”

“What? And risk getting dad to kick my ass? I’m not reckless, just stupid.” Her brow furrows as she thinks that one over. “Wait...”

“Heh, you said it, not me. Anyway, seriously, if you don’t wanna stay, get another one of your constellation buddies down here, Twilight needs to meet at least one of you so she won’t think I’m lying when I say I met one.”

“What, are you kicking me out? I thought you said I could sleep on the couch!”

“I said if you don’t wanna stay, numbskull. You can crash on the couch, but if you do leave you gotta send one of your friends over. Although if Twilight wants you kicked out, that’s a different story.”

“Yeah, and one without a happy ending. If you-”

“For the love of god, do you really need to do that? I mean, sure a thousand years without getting laid must be bad, but just use your damn hooves!”

“Aww, but hooves are all scrapey down there! Ooh, wait, that’s might be interesting...” She looks down between her back legs.

Right, guess humans have it easier... girls have fingers, hooves must feel like sandpaper or something. “Well in that case, go buy a cucumber or something, I don’t care. Just stop with the raunchy talk.”

“A cucumber? What’s that? Oh, hey, you got any beef around here? I hear that Equestria took over the Cattle homelands a few hundred years ago, there outta be a good steak around, right?”

“I’ve only had fish, but they might. But definitely not here. Unicorns don’t eat meat. I know a Gryphon restaurant, but if we go, then you’re paying. I’m pretty sure I’m broke from last night, you hog.”

“Hey, maybe we could go boar hunting! There’s a forest nearby. It’s a lot of fun, I swear! We’ll need some squires though.”

“Squires? Why? Wouldn’t it just be fun enough to do it ourselves? Unless you think you can’t handle a furry piece of undercooked bacon...”

“What? Nah, we just need some bait, and a bunch of squires hog-tied and left in a clearing is the best way to draw out boars. And other stuff. Best of all, we can go drinking while we wait, and just check to see if they’ve been eaten once an hour! It’s efficient!” Is this mare a psychopath? Or a sociopath?

“Listen, I don’t think that would go over well. If you wanna go hunting, you do it the old fashioned way by stalking and laying traps. Besides, as I said there’s a restaurant I know that serves at least fish and turkey.”

“Yeah, but you don’t get to stab a roasted turkey to death and watch it bleed.”

“How about I dangle it on a rope in front of you and make turkey noises so it looks alive?”

Gladius rolls her eyes. “Fine, if you have any better game ideas, just say so.”

“None that I want to play with you. Now let’s go, we don’t wanna be here when Twi wakes up.” I look around. “I wonder where Spike is...”

Chapter 103

I look around but it seems he didn’t come in with Twilight. Oh well. I feel like just dumping this mare somewhere but... I don’t know what she could get up to. So I walk towards Maestro’s place, passing Sugarcube Corner along the way. I can hear music coming from inside and it seems Pinkie’s throwing some sort of celebration as usual. I decide we can get meat some other time, as this has gotten me curious.

“Hey Glad, wanna see what’s going on?”

“Sure! I’m always up for a good ol’ revel!”

“Just remember there’s probably children there too... and the drinks are guaranteed alcohol-free. Still, don’t go too nuts, okay?”

“Aww, sounds boring... ah, whatever. I can handle it, there’s gonna be some folks in there I can get alone for a few... maybe even two or three at once.” Gladius licks her lips at the thought, and I suppress a shudder.

“Come on, you wanted to see Pinkie anyway, didn’t ya?” I lead her to the giant dessert-shaped building, the music becoming louder as we draw near. It’s the usual stuff Pinkie plays. Not bad, high energy, but seems to be missing something in my opinion.

When we get inside, I see the usual set-up with streamers, balloons, all sorts of sweets, and all kinds of games. There’s not as much room as in the little area we had my party in, but it’s not bad, I just have to remember that I should watch where I’m going so I don’t step on a kid.

“Well, whaddya think, Gladius? This the kind of party you expected?”

The mare is looking a bit disgruntled, until she sees a couple in one corner, evidently not a part of the party. “It will be soon! You’re fine on your own, right? Good.” And just like that, she swaggers to the table, evidently prepared to hit on one member of the couple or another. Or both, she seems like the type to try.

I make my way around and I was assured that, yes, there are plenty of kids laughing and just having a good time. I turn to where the commotion is mostly centered around. Being tall, it doesn’t take much to see that the center of the party is...

“Spike? What’d you do, man? Plug up a leaking dam or something?”

“Nah, nothing much, just saved a freakin’ empire from an evil tyrant!” Spike begins pumping his fist in the air, which results in all the impressionable little ponies trying the same thing, gleefully.

I am rather surprised at this. If it weren’t for the huge party, I’d say he’s bluffing. I shake my head and sit down in a chair next to the table he’s sitting on. “Well isn’t that something. Details man, don’t leave me hanging!”

Spike sits down, a tub of ice-cream being set in front of him. “Alright, so there I was, helping Twilight stay at least half-sane for this mysterious ‘test’ that Celestia has set up for her, right? Well, then I find out we’re going to a place that had been removed from time itself for a thousand years or so! Well, then I...”

I listen in rapt attention, the two dozen foals arrayed around us hanging on his every word and reverently bringing him tubs of ice-cream whenever he ran out over the hour-and-a-half story telling. By the end of it, he’s apparently fighting to defend Rarity from a hundred thousand shadow-zombie-ninja-ponies, all created by this King Some-Bra guy, until he realizes that the crystal weapon is really the crystal heart they’ve been looking for the entire time.

“... And then I drove the sword into the pedestal, trapping the dark lord so he couldn’t escape the blast of pure magical awesomeness! And that’s how I saved the day.” Spike nods, smiling at his audience. The entirety of which, in an interesting coincidence is looking like they’re staring at a god.

I sigh happily. “Why do I feel like half of that is garbage, and one fourth was you daydreaming? Ah well, apparently you did something interesting, so I guess I’ll take your word for some of it.”

Spike blushes. “Well, I did save the day! Maybe not exactly like that, but a bunch of it was true!”

“Yeah, sure. Anyway, so I guess Twi is just really tired. Would explain why she yelled at me and went to bed.”

“Don’t tell me, you mentioned having company over, and she started ranting about harlots and sodomy? It’s more common than you might think. She just didn’t get any sleep since the day before you got poisoned. Big report, then a letter about a test, then the ‘test’ itself, then the party on the way back... Eh, you get used to it. I just try to make sure she gets sleep before the ‘harlots and sodomy’ part.”

One of the foals pipes up. “What’s sodomy?”

Spike freezes, remembering that he’s got an audience. “Uh...”

I grin at the situation. I could save him, or just let him try to bail himself out... or defuse the situation entirely with an excuse definition. Choosing is difficult for all of two seconds.

“Yeah Spike, tell them what sodomy is.”

Before he can put his feet any farther into his mouth, Pinkie hops over. “Hey, Spike! You need to cut the cake now, as the hero of the day! C’mon!” She picks him up and bounces off with him, and he just gives me a dirty look of betrayal from Pinkie’s back.

I look over to where I last saw Gladius, hoping that she was still there.

Instead, I see that the table where the couple had been is empty, and that the three are nowhere to be seen. I don’t know whether to be happy she’s gone or worried she might be doing something I might regret later.

Screw it, she claims to be a grown mare, and therefore I’m not responsible for her. Whatever mess she gets into is all her fault. I sit down with Pinkie, each of us having a piece of cake, and I ask her for her story of the experience.

She draws in a  breath big enough to make her look like a balloon. Oh god, she’s going to say it all in a rush, isn’t she...

After the party is over and I’ve gotten the abridged version of the story... at least it’s abridged if you compare what I actually got a chance to absorb from Pinkie’s verbal torrent of speech. Seems Spike did have a big part. And something about a Fugu-Horn or something... weird. I look around at the mostly empty room and see if Gladius has gotten back yet. If she isn’t... I should probably look for her.

Almost a second after I start looking around, I see her swagger out of a broom closet that had been stuck shut all evening, with a  pleased look on her face. Pinkie looks mortified, and it only takes a moment longer for the scent to hit my nose.

I’d never gotten a real noseful of ‘Eau-de-just-had-sex’ before, but it is terrible if it wasn’t you.

Really terrible.

Wrinkling my nose I turn to a slightly greenish Pinkie. “Ooh, the Cake’s are going to kill me.”

“Gladius! You really had to do that in a public place? Well, only partially public, and that’s even worse! Do you even have a brain!?”

“Nah, I think I just borked it out in there. Wow, that mare has got a tongue!”

I don’t say anything except a quick ‘Excuse me’ to Pinkie and I grab the star-mare by the scruff of her neck and drag her outside.

“Ow, hey! C’mon, it’s just fun! It’s what parties have been, always!”

“Parties that are for that don’t have foals attending, and they are usually not in places of business where the owners live!” I give her a shake like a mother dog would and drop her to the ground. “Seriously, get your damn act together, or I have half a mind to wring your neck!”

“W- but, they’ve gotta learn eventually, right? What’s wrong with- it’s just natural!”

“Yes, and nature, by my definition, can be sick and disgusting and just plain wrong despite it’s name, so shut up and keep your legs closed, you whore. I don’t know why they’d let some randy slut be in a position as yours.”

Suddenly, I’m airborne, and I look up to see Gladius pumping her wings. No way can those things lift her and me!

I am not a slut, and I am not a whore! I am a soldier, and that means that the nation works for me!” The pegasus rolls, and then lets go of me, sending me to the ground at an awkward angle. Thankfully, it’s not a long drop, and I simply tumble as I land. Somebody has her priorities on screwy.

“Yeah, how about I see you do a bit of protecting and serving before you get more service, huh? As far as I’m -ow- concerned, you’re abusing your title. What have you saved people from over your career? Blue balls?”

“I am the Keeper of Champions, buddy, and I am the embodiment of heroism! I’ve saved countless ponies who would’ve died on their quests for glory, gave them the power they needed to survive and take what they deserved!” Gladius’ shadows have begun to deepen, stars beginning to glimmer in their depths.

“Then how about you act like it? Does that sound reasonable?”

“I am acting like it!” Gladius reaches under a wing with her teeth, and I take a step back as she unsheathes her sword. The simple bronze of the weapon gleams with a starfield in every shadow, the blade literally gleaming with energy. Tiny flickers of light dance at its twin edges.

“You’re acting like it now, but you weren’t before. I have no problem with you being a warrior. I have a problem with your actions. I can understand that you like to... get release... but I don’t see why you can’t just keep that want to yourself and keep it to a private place, okay? Times have changed since you were last down here it seems. Sex isn’t a free action anymore.”

Gladius growls and rolls her eyes. Or, rather, the red starfield of her eyes shifts in what I assume is her rolling her eyes, and she shouts at me.

“JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! YOU’RE NOT FIT TO BE A STAR, YOU JUST LAZE AROUND AND WHINE ABOUT MORALS THIS AND ETHICS THAT! YOU’RE JUST LIKE MY SIBLINGS!” She rears back, evidently about to charge.

I hold my ground, despite every part of me telling me to just run. “I didn’t ask to be a star. I don’t know how it happened, it just did. I had no control over it. It could have been one of you guys or something else. Whoever decided I should be a star, it wasn’t me. At all.”

The incensed constellation-pony shouts back at me. “THEN I’LL TEAR OUT YOUR CORE AND ADD IT TO MY TROPHIES!” She dives towards me, speeding up to a speed I’d only ever seen myself reach.“END OF PROBLEM, END OF STORY, END OF Y-”

Out of nowhere, a blur slams Gladius in the side, driving her to the ground in a small explosion of dirt and disturbed sediment, right outside Sugarcube Corner. I take a few moments to look around and try to register what just happened. Whatever it is that happened, that is.

From the place where Gladius landed, I can hear the sound of simple punches landing, and I can see the star-sword sticking out of the ground only a few inches from my left foot. The stars in its shadows are no longer seething. From the small crater where I can see the shape of a helmeted pony figure slugging Gladius repeatedly in the face.

The helmet and the pony wearing it are also shadowed with starfields, and I recognize the pony as Galeam. Wait, then why is he hitting Gladius like that? Did he just save me? Holy crap.

Then, I realize that there’s literally two constellations in a crater duking it out over me. Not sure if I should feel awesome and important... or get away while I still have an intact skeleton.

Chapter 104

I look nervously at the two star-ponies, in time to see Galeam get caught by a vicious hit from Gladius’ hoof. I can see a puff of smoke or gas rise from the helmeted constellation’s mouth as the blow strikes him in the jaw.

Without even pausing to acknowledge the blow, Galeam pulls back a hoof and drives it to the ground with an earth-shattering, final-sounding whud.

There’s absolute silence as Galeam stands, the stars in his pelt fading back to normal shadow as he looks around, though the starfield remains in the shadows of his helmet and face. He’s not even breathing hard.

I startle slightly as I realize that there’s a ring of curious and confused townsponies trying to figure out what just happened. Galeam, with only his muzzle visible, nods at me. Then, he scoops up Gladius’ body -it moves so bonelessly! There’s red-and-white gas leaking from dozens of wounds! From her mouth! holy shit- and suddenly vanishes in a flash of golden light. I don’t mean ‘golden’ as in ‘kinda yellow’, but rather ‘like the light bouncing off a bar of polished gold’ gold.

I turn to the gaping ponies and think of what to say. I decide to give it my best. “Just a bit of stellar being business, doesn’t concern you, nothing to see, just... carry on.”

Apparently, as the local star-being, my word is absolute in this matter, because they all appear to lose interest and wander off. Except for four little filles, each standing close to each other as they stare at me in awe. A certain orange pegasus is once more doing a koosh-ball impression.

“Heh, uh... hi. You need something?”

“That was so cool!” Scootaloo shouts, jumping in the air. Her wings buzz, and her look of idolatry actually puts me slightly on edge. The four Cutie Mark Crusaders all charge towards me and grapple my legs, babbling about how awesome it is that I have star-buddies to kick the stuffing out of things while I’m sick.

Also, how did they know I’m down? I never mentioned being de-powered.

“I’m not sick, I just lost my powers. I’m still the toughest guy in town.”

“Nuh-uh!” Scootaloo says, her poofiness going away for a moment. “Rainbow Dash is the toughest and coolest around!”

I grin. “Hmm... looks like I need to prove it. You know where Rainbow is right now?”

“Uh, I think so. Come on guys! This is gonna be epic!” Scootaloo hops on her scooter and leads me and the other crusaders to a little field where I can see Rainbow Dash sleeping on a cloud.

“Hey Dash!” She just rolls over, so I decide to get her attention another way. I pick up a small rock and toss it into the cloud.

“Ow! Hey, what’s the big idea!?” I can see her rubbing her side.

“Sorry! I was aiming for your head!” I call up. “Get down here, we got a plan!”

The multichromatic pegasus grumbles loudly as she rolls off her cloud, lazily flapping to land normally on the ground with us. “What’s up, Anthony? You’re kinda interrupting my noontime nap.” She pauses for a moment. “Oh, unless you’re here about more dating advice! I still think you need to muscle up if you’re gonna impress Myrna.”

“And that’s where we differ in opinion. You see, some of the ponies think you’re tougher than I am. So in an effort to help them get over their delusions, how about a little competition?” I cross my arms and grin. “Winner is the strongest pony or person in Ponyville.”

“Pfft, I hate to break to you, Anthony, but I would break you. You’re so flimsy, I bet I could beat you in ten seconds flat!” Rainbow boasts. “Actually, just to make it an even fight, I won’t use my wings! Not even for martial arts.”

Wait, hasty Rainbow Dash knows martial arts? Didn’t know that. How’d it even work for quadrupeds... eh, whatever.

“Alright. No flying, no star-powers which should be pretty easy for me, and no weird cloud tricks. Just fisticuffs.” I raise my fists in front of me. “First one to cry or give up loses.”

Rainbow motions to Applebloom and Scootaloo, and borrows AB’s ribbon to hold her wings down. “Alright, let’s do this.” And with that, she stands up, perfectly holding the position with a cocky smile. Holy crap, she actually does know martial arts. this might not go as well as I’d hoped, I guess I’ll just have to fight dirty. That wasn’t against the rules, after all.

On top of that, her being in a taller stance makes it easier for me to hit her. “Go!” I yell and give a quick jab to her chest, hoping I can at least knock her over. If she ends up on her back, I’ve practically won already. Unfortunately I she has some really good balance and delivers quite a few hoof-punches to my gut.

Okay, no more mister nice guy. We continue our fight, neither of us pulling punches, bruises easily showing where each hit has made impact. I’ve probably got a black eye. I’m still not gonna give up. I can take a pony.

The blow trading continues and she is remarkably fast, even without her wings, she can even jump and such... on her hind legs. Damn she’s good. But I’m better, I know I am. Just as I finish thinking that, she delivers a rather strong roundhouse kick straight to my cheek and I feel a large surge of pain. I turn and spit out some blood and... a tooth?

I look down at the little white piece of enamel on the ground and exploring my bleeding mouth with my tongue confirms my suspicions. I can’t believe it.

“Holy shit, man...” I look over at Rainbow incredulously.

“Woah, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard, you wanna quit?”

“Dude... that was my last baby tooth! I’ve been trying to get rid of that thing for ever!” I give Dash a bloody grin. “Thanks!” I accent my happiness with a swift uppercut to her jaw.

The battle continues, and we actually both start getting slightly bloody, but nothing enough to keep us from going. In the end though, she gets behind me and twists my arm around, her superior ‘upper’ body strength making it hurt and I’m afraid it’ll break. Relenting, I tap out. “I g-” I spit out another wad of blood. “I give, you win...”

“There, see? Now, let’s give it a rest. It’ll be an hour or two till all this heals up.” Dash says, letting me go. Scootaloo looks likes she’s somewhere between disappointed and elated, while the other three just look impressed.

“Two!? How fast do you guys -ow- heal!?”

“What? I’m actually a pretty slow healer, Anthony. If pegasus bones didn’t bend the way they do, I’d be crippled. Just sit down, wait it off. And I’m still sorry about the tooth, that must’ve hurt.” Dash pats me on the back.

“Nah, really, that little thing has been stuck with me for ever. But I’m a human, I don’t heal like that.” I feel the soreness in all my muscles. “I’d say that if we stop now, I’m down for the rest of today and tomorrow...”

I wipe more blood from my mouth. “This has gotta end or continue now. I- I still got... some juice left in me.” Though that energy is quickly running out. “Let’s go!” I return to my original stance, but my legs are visibly shaky.

RD rolls her eyes, and tugs the ribbon off her wings. She flaps her wings, sending a delightfully cool breeze towards me. It quickly builds up enough that I topple.

“Dude, that was, like, a type-two breeze. You’re not ready to do anything more anyways. If you really heal that slow, and Twilight mentioned you got poisoned or whatever, you need to rest.” Rainbow stops for a moment. “Wait, does Twilight know how slow you get better?”

“No idea...” The adrenaline rush is finally subsiding and I am so sore I can hardly move, the most motion I’m getting is the rising and falling of my chest from my heavy breathing. That is one tough pony.

“‘Cuz when Fluttershy asked on the train, Twi said you’d be better in a week... but if you don’t get better so quickly...”

“Most humans... unless we have weapons or tools... we usually only have one or two good fights... urk... in us a day...”

“How did you ever survive? Man, your heroes must’ve been real impressive to make up for everyone else.” RD shakes her head and noses my arm. “Hey, you aren’t gonna die or anything over there, are you? Or do you just need some help getting back to the library?”

“Nah, ya di- didn’t break anything. Just, gimme a minute...” I try to get myself into a sitting up position but despite my success, the motion makes my back hurt. A lot. “See? F- fine.”

“Yeah... you’re making that ‘this is not cool’ face you do about moving. I think I’m gonna take you to the hospital.”

“Sure... Rainbow Dash wins... Fatality...” I’m so tired I just go to sleep. I feel myself getting lifted, but then, nothing.

Chapter 105

I’m aware of people saying they wake up feeling like a million bucks. With all the bruises, aches and pains I can feel all over my body, I come to the conclusion that I feel like a worn peso.

“Ugh, my head...” I try to sit up, but I only manage to lean my head forward. My vision is a bit blurry, but spotting Rainbow Dash by her bright, multicolored mane is still easy.

“Woah, stay down. You weren’t kidding when you said you healed slow, you need to relax.”

I blink a bit and I get a better look at her. Aside from the shadows of a few healing bruises, she looked perfectly fine.

“How long have I been out?”

“Er... about an hour and a half.” Dang, she wasn’t kidding about pony heal rate... and she’s a slow healer?

“So... was it good for you?” I ask weakly.

“What? What do you- oh. Ha ha, very funny. If you must know...” Rainbow Dash is now leaning on the bed. “You’re kinda strong but your stance and techniques are all wrong, you have poor balance and your defense is severely lacking. I know you’ve been in fights, but I don’t think you’ve had any real combat training of any sort.”

“Well... I can use a shortsword... kinda. It was more of a half-month crash course in basic swordplay.”

Rainbow facehoofs. “Yeah, seriously dude, you may be a good hero, but you ain’t a champ.” She then looks... happy? “But that’s okay, because I can train you and turn you into a real fighter. That’ll get you on Myrna’s good side for sure!”

“I don’t need training, I can land a chick all on my own. I’m sexy and you know it.” I give my usual snarky grin.

Rainbow Dash simply rolls her eyes. “Then why haven’t you got her yet?”

“Because we’re trying to work out how this whole ‘romance’ thing is gonna happen. It’s not as easy as those crappy novels make it seem.”

“I don’t really see why it’s such a big deal. If you love someone and they love you... then you just get together. Simple as that!”

“Heh, I wish it was that easy.”

“Well, maybe it is and she just doesn’t know how much she loves you. Seriously, one of these days I’m gonna whip you into shape and that gore-again is gonna go crazy for you, I’m sure of it!”

“Gorgon. And I’m not gonna be holding my breath.”

“Yeah well, when you wise up, come find me.”

I don’t realise I’ve fallen asleep until I wake up again, and I notice a new sensation. I look down and I see that a content, lightly snoring Scootaloo is resting on the bed, snuggled up to my arm. I use my other hand to gently pet her like I would a cat. This makes her let out a very happy sighing noise and curl a hoof around my arm like a teddy bear or something.

Awwwwwww, that’s so adorable. I wonder what it would be like to actually have Scootaloo as a sentient pet? I briefly imagine her chasing a laser pointer and I have a hard time not laughing aloud. The mental image is just so silly and so adorable. And she’s so soft and fuzzy... I gently move her on top of me and hold her in a one-armed hug. As I pet her, she snuggles into the crook of my arm and continues her light snoring. It’s so cute I can’t hold back a smile.

After a few minutes, a nurse pony comes in. She looks at me holding Scoots and she gives a brief ‘d’awww’ face. “I’m sorry mister Anthony, but visiting hours are over and you really need your rest.”

“She’s not bothering me, and she’s so cute.”

“That may be the case, but you really are in bad condition. Our healing magics can’t work miracles, so you’re going to be staying for a while longer. Your friends will be able to come see you tomorrow, but right now she has to leave.”

“Oh fine...” I uncurl my arm from around Scootaloo and the nurse gently picks her up.

“Really Anthony, you should try and rest. We can only guess how long you’ll need to stay here.”

“Xenological biology. Ain’t it a bitch?”

The nurse gives me a hard stare and frowns at my language, but then just rolls her eyes. “Yes, now get some rest. You will see your friends tomorrow.” With that, the nurse carries Scoots out of the room and I decide I really don’t wanna be stuck here for very long, so I just try and sleep.

When I next wake up, I look at the clock and it seems that it’s tomorrow already, must have been pretty tired after all. After about fifteen minutes of twiddling my thumbs and pondering the great mysteries of the universe, Twilight walks in. She takes one look at me and sighs.

“Don’t you ever get the idea that getting hurt is not fun?”

“Truthfully? No, not really.”

“Well, either way, I’ve gotten permission to study your injuries and I’m also going to be asking some questions.”

“How much of that is for science, and how much ‘cause you want an excuse to hear the beautiful sound of my voice?”

“Don’t make me mute you.”

“Fine, fine. There is something I want to talk to you about. It pertains to the mare I mentioned yesterday. The one you called a harlot.”

Twilight gives me a look that is equal parts fearful, angry, and nervous. “Please tell me you didn’t actually...”

“No, we didn’t have sex. Anything else you want to know about her, or should I just tell you?”

“Just tell me, please, it’ll save us both a lot of time.”

“Well, that was Gladius, another one of the constellations. Her main reason for stopping by was that she wanted to meet me.”

“Ah... sorry about that, I get a little- uh, well, you saw. Usually Spike gets me to sleep on time, but with everything happening lately...” Twilight blushes and rubs the back of her head.

“Well, to be honest, I’m glad she’s gone. You see, if she had her way we probably... okay, yes we would  have... y’know. I didn’t think a constellation could have a libido.”

“Well, why wouldn’t they? They’re living creatures, too. But you say she wanted to... with you? That’s a little weird, though I suppose there’s more in common between you than a gryphon and a dragon, and that’s a relatively interspecies relationship...”

“Me? She was trying to get with pretty much anything that moved. She was... quite a handful. Anyway, her brother came by and took her back.”

“Her brother? Which one?”

“Galeam. The ‘protector’ or something. She was about ready to kill me because I insisted that if she was going to have a threesome, it should not be within the vicinity of children.”

“Wait, she did what?! How could- I just- What?!”

“She thought it was okay to get with a pair of ponies during one of Pinkie’s parties in Sugarcube Corner. Once she got out of the closet, I dragged her outside, gave her a piece of my mind, and she was gonna kill me for it. Galeam beat the crap out of her and took her back.”

“Galeam did what?!”

“Is ‘what’ the word of the day or something? He stopped his sister from killing me and dragged her back into the sky.”

“Wait, so you got to witness an actual exoterrene expulsion? What did it look like? Was there a magical burst or similar signature? Was there any kind of matter expulsion at the site? Where was this? Where did they leave to? What were the somatic components to the spell? Was it a spell? Can you replicate any of the hoof motions with your arms?”

“How about I just tell you what I saw?” I sigh. “Gladius draws her sword, yelling about how she’s gonna turn me into a trophy. Galeam flies down out of the sky and bodyslams Gladius making a large crater. He then proceeded to pummel her unconscious, and when she stopped moving, he picked her up and flew back in a flash of gold. There should still be a crater in front of Sugarcube Corner.”

Twilight blinks. Then, she blinks again. Finally, her eyes trace down a little. “Where did you get that sword?” she asks slowly, gesturing to my hip. I look down, and see that the sword is sheathed at said hip.

I unsheath it and I look at the bronze metal of the blade. “It looks like a replica of Gladius’ sword. The one she carried on her and was gonna run me through with. I take it this is the Sword? Like the Lyre?”

As I turn the sword, the light catches, and the darkened half of the sword spills into the night, stars gleaming distantly in its shadows. Twilight gulps.

“Y- yeah... how do you keep getting these? What’ll you have next, the Hammer? The Crown?” She says with half-hearted sarcasm.

“Who knows? Lyra gave me the Lyre by accident, and now I have the Sword. I’d say it has to do with me meeting them, but that doesn’t make sense. And it’s obvious that I wasn’t intended to be given them.”

“Yeah... wait, how did you get this one?”

“Dunno, but it’s cool, isn’t it? I mean, it’s bigger than the one she had though. It’s just the right size for me.” I pause. “Do ponies usually make shortswords this big?”

“Uhm, Anthony, unless I seriously missed my guess and have become completely incapable of understanding magical output for no apparent reason, that’s the Sword. Unless, of course, Gladius was meaning to give that sword to you all along, but that’s a little silly.”

“Yeah, but mystical artifact or not, seems it likes me better than her.” A thought comes into my head. “Hey, do you think these cosmic artifacts could give me my powers back?”

“Actually, I think your body just needs to process the poison. With the hospital report I received, it seems to heal significantly slower than almost anything else in this world. You’re only faster than stone trolls, ogres, and bakerolyths, and those are extinct now.” She clears her throat. “Also, it seems my initial estimate on how long that’ll take was a bit off. You’re going to want to drink lots of water for about the next six weeks. Then, you’ll need to wait another four or five days, then you’ll be good, I think.”

“Aw come on! And how long until they let me out of here? I’m not bleeding anymore, I can walk this off!” Attempting to get out of bed makes my legs tell me the exact opposite. “Jeez, Dash did a number on me...”

“Well, she actually held back, from what I can tell. She’s a third-Mahna in two separate martial arts.” Twilight says. “Also, I think the Cutie Mark Crusaders wanted to talk to you, Scootaloo was waiting in the main room when I was sent in here.”

“Well, finish up whatever questions you have about human medicine or whatever and send them in. It’s not like I want to talk to you all day.”

Twilight pouts, her eyes going exceptionally large and watery. As my heart clenches reflexively, I have to wonder: has she been taking lessons from the little fillies around Ponyville in that technique?

“Oh come on Twilight, it’s not fun when you take me seriously. You know I don’t hate you.”

The pouting intensifies.

“Oh fine, you win.” Despite the soreness in my arms protesting, I lift Twilight onto the bed and give her a hug. “I don’t hate you, I just... say things to get you mad. You’re just fun to make mad, that’s all.”

She turns her face to me, and she’s looking absolutely smug. There’s practically smug dripping to the floors from that grin. “I know, I just wanted to get back at you a little.” She hugs me back.

“You might not be as incorrigible as I thought. I’ll make a sarcastic jerk out of you yet... at least partially.” I give her another quick squeeze and set her down on the ground again.

“Heh, you’re welcome to try, mister Anthony, but I shall be fully immune to such things.” She flourishes a little bow. “After all, I may be a bookworm scholar, but I was raised in the capital of the nation.”

I fold my arms and grin. “I’m still gonna get you laid one of these days. I think I recall Cadence saying she’d pay for it.” Twilight sputters and turns red. “Alright, send the kids in.”

The shell-shocked Twilight leaves before I can strike another blow for not-stick-in-the-mud-ness, and Scootaloo full-on gallops into the room, catapulting herself -not literally, thankfully- onto the bed.

“Heya kid. How’d you like the show? Was it as ‘epic’ as you said it would be?”

“That was so cool! You’re almost as awesome as Rainbow Dash. Almost.” She nuzzles me, climbing onto my lap as she does.

“Eh, I guess I’ll take it. Sorry if it got a bit bloody, though. Not sure how much you or your friends like the idea of it.”

“Aww, they’ll be fine. You’re alright, though, right? You’re totally tough.” The little orange-and-purple koosh-ball imitator smiles up at me.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m just sore at the moment. You ponies heal too fast, that’s cheating.”

“Pfft, it’s not cheating. You’re just hooficapped ‘cuz you heal slow.”

“Slow healer or not, I can give just as good as I take. So how’s your catapult business going? You rich yet?”

“Nah, most of our money is going to buying more parts for the new catapults, and Applebloom is setting up more room in the clubhouse. She said she’s gonna make me a turret! Like, in a tower! I can be a guardspony, and pretend to be in the wonderbolts!” Her wings buzz, fanning my entire body in a miniature downdraft. It’s actually rather nice in the overly-warm hospital.

“Like the Wonderbolts? When I chatted with them, they said they were showme- showponies, not soldiers.” I think for a minute. “What was that one’s name? Cooking Spit or something?”

“Spitfire! And she’s the captain! They can doplay anywhere in Equestria in minutes to fight a problem! Most of their older captains ‘n stuff retired about four years ago, though, so they haven’t got any veterinarians in their ranks.”

I’m going to assume she meant ‘deploy’ and ‘veterans’. Wait... So the Wonderbolts are air-fighters and performers... huh, like the Blue Angels. Neat.

“Well then, I’m not really going anywhere for a bit, and it’s gonna be a few weeks until I get my powers back. You’re the one with all the plans, any ideas on what I could do to pass the time?”

“Ooh! I can show you Battleclouds! It’s really fun, but Rainbow Dash never loses at it, so it’s hard to get good practice in.”

“Okay, let’s give it a shot.”

Scoots hops off my bed, and roots around in a little nightstand next to the bed. After a moment, a bunch of board games spill onto the floor, and Scootaloo proudly carries up one labeled ‘Battleclouds’  onto the bed. I notice that she never seems to try flying. I wonder why...

But, for now, I am occupied with learning this game. It’s quickly made obvious it’s similar to Battleship, but the clouds are on a hex-map, not a coordinate grid, and that throws me off for a little while, as well as having to learn the names of the different pieces.

It’s not long before I’m quietly hoping she doesn’t blast my remaining cloud, a tiny Bumblebee-Formation hiding slightly away from a corner. The kid is competitive! She seems all too pleased each time she takes a piece from me, but at least she doesn’t get upset when I took out her two clouds. Still, with seven pieces on the boards each, that’s pretty much negligible, since I’ve only hit tiny ones.

Eventually I lose, and after a few more rounds we get tired of it. Her practically stomping me has nothing to do with it at all. “So what other games are there? Do they have Chinese Checkers?” Once I say that though, I remember that China doesn’t exist here and it probably has another name. “Er, nevermind. How about... chess?”

“Oh, I’m not so good at chess... Sweetie’s better at that one. B-but we can try, of course!” She hops off the bed again, and grabs the game, bringing it back up. With a grunt, she sets it on my lap, and I open it up.

I stop cold, and I feel a shiver run up my spine as I look at the board and pieces. A red alicorn and a white alicorn are the most prominent pieces on a board with too many spaces, and there’s pieces I don’t recognize from chess... but which look like the ‘pieces’ I saw in Wunderland. there’s even a pair of knights with the lances at their shoulders, though the lances aren’t coming out of their shoulders thankfully.

“Well, uh... this isn’t what I’m used to. Guess I need a crash-course on how it works here. Sorry kiddo, we got anything else?”

“Oh, I can still teach you...” She rubs her leg. “If you want to, that is.”

“Where’d the competitive, tough Scootaloo go? I like her better.” I say and pet her like I did earlier, the ‘pet Scootaloo’ thought making me grin again. She ducks her head, looking really sad and hurt for some reason.

She raises her foreleg to her face, and I realize she’s wiping away tears. Holy crap, I was just playing!

“Woah, I didn’t mean to insult you, I was just playing around. I don’t care if you’re tough or not, I like you no matter what.” I pick her up and hold her in the usual one-armed hug I use for small creatures and fillies. “Come on, you’re fine, you don’t have to be sad about anything.”

She just sniffles and curls up in my arm. Sighing, I recline in the hospital bed. Looks like I’m getting to look after Scoots for a little while.

I think it might be time to get to the bottom of this little filly’s actions around me.

Chapter 106

It seemed to take forever, but I’m finally out of the hospital, and it feels pretty good to stretch my legs. I feel the shortsword at my side, and I wonder why both it and the sheath grew to be human sized. It’s supposed to be a pony artifact, isn’t it?

Well, only one thing to do now, research and experimentation. I’m walking to the library when Rainbow lands in front of me.

“Hey, nice to see you’re up and moving again. I’m gonna get you some training, and you’ll land Myrna in no time!”

“You know, I’m not entirely sure how valid your teachings will be.”

Dash looked at me like I hit my head. “What? If you forgot why you were in the hospital already-”

“No, I mean how beefing up will get Myrna to like me. I’m not sure that method would even work.”

“It will, I know it will! You lost a fight though, so that means you have to be even more impressive.”

What? “Prove it then.”

Rainbow recoiled a bit. “You want me to put the moves on Myrna!?”

I facepalm. “No, I mean I want proof it works in general. And seeing as how you seem so sure of this technique of yours and yet you have no significant other, I’m gonna say that it won’t actually work.”

Rainbow scoffs. “I don’t need a stallion, but I could get any guy around if I wanted, no problem.”

“Really?” I give a rather impressed look.

“Of course! Besides, I bloodied a stellar being, that’s massive ‘awesome’ points right there!”

I roll my eyes and decide to ignore the fact that if I went all out with powers she’d be dead. “Alright then, show me.”

“Huh?”

“Do it.” I look at the ponies going about their business and I pick out the first stallion I see. An earth pony with a pale cobalt-grayish coat and a dark grey mane in a spiky swept-back style.

“Him. That one right there.” I get a look at his flank. “With the clover cutie mark. Do it.”

Dash takes a step back. “Wait, just some random stallion? Right now?”

“I thought you said you could get any guy? If your method works on a complete stranger, then it’ll probably work on Myrna since she’s already a friend, right? So prove it.”

“F- fine! You just watch, this’ll be easy!”

I watch as Rainbow walks off towards him slowly. She glances back at me and I just grin and nod. She suddenly seems less sure of herself. Before she gets the guy’s attention, she takes a page from my book and puts on the “Mr. Smooth” face.

I can’t hear them, but I can see what’s going on, and I watch as Dash attempts several poses and exalts herself repeatedly. I can hear her voice wavering from here though... heh, she doesn’t actually have the nerve, she’s just doing this because I said she couldn’t.

After a few moments of this, I see a simple, visible shake of the head ‘no’, and Rainbow slumps. the stallion says something I don’t catch and Rainbow brightens up a little, though she’s still got that ‘defeated’ look to her.

When the stallion leaves, I walk up to Dash, shaking my head. “Nice moves there, Miss. ‘I can get any guy I want’.”

“Hey, that wasn’t fair! I had no time to build up my mojo, I wasn’t ready for it. And besides, he’s already got a marefriend, and they aren’t ready to start a full herd yet.”

“Well it doesn’t matter, because even if you succeeded, I’d still consider it a useless demonstration.”

“What?! You can’t just dismiss my success!” She looked away slightly. “...Even if it didn’t happen. It totally could’ve!”

“Sure, okay. Let’s say that that something that works on a male horse would obviously and completely work on a hundred-or-so foot long snake woman. Though I guess I can give you another chance to embarrass yourself.”

“Hey!”

Once more I fold my arms and grin. “Prove it. If you don’t get the next guy, you have to admit that you have less chance of getting a significant other than I do. And that you suck at picking up guys.”

I look around at the ponies and see the perfect guy to torture Dash with. Big Macintosh. This will be sweet. I jab my thumb at him. “Him, Now. Go get ‘im, killer.”

Rainbow Dash turned an odd combination of red and white under her blue coat, giving the impression of a poorly-made Union Jack. I can see her gulp and nod shakily, and she starts muttering to herself. I almost bust a gut when I hear her whisper ‘he’s only Ponyville’s most eligible bachelor...’ under her breath

Comedy. Gold.

Rainbow Dash winged over to the stoic farmer, and began to quietly talk to him, and I can see some rather different motions from her than she had used with the other guy. She’s also started poofing out her feathers, making them look really fuzzy.

I swear I’ve seen something like that before. Before I can think on that though, I see Big Mac smile and nod, saying “Eeyup”. My jaw drops.

What th-

Rainbow watches as the tall stallion wanders off to finish whatever he was doing at the time, then she pumps her forehoof in the air like a fist, and shouts gleefully. She cuts off when she remembers I’m watching, and flies over.

“See, easy-peasy. We’re going to a movie later. Ha.”

“Not bad, not bad at all. Now let’s see you keep him interested. Congratulations. As your prize... you get to tell Applejack.”

Rainbow’s jubilant expression changes to one of horror. “Oh sweet Celestia’s teats! She’s going to murder me!” The pegasus began hyperventilating almost instantly, going from normal to panicked in ten seconds flat.

“See, this is why you should start losing more often. Don’t forget what happened last time you beat me at something.” I give her an evil grin. “Say... wanna have an arm wrestle?”

“My life is rui-hi-hinned!” Rainbow sobbed. “Applejack’s gonna break my wi~ings!”

Hmm... this needs popcorn. Or some ham to go with all the cheese.

“Oh come on, I doubt she’d do anything like that. I mean really, do you think she’d do any worse than break one of your ribs?”

“You weren’t there when Soft Landings tried hitting on him! Nopony ever saw her again!”

“Really? Damn... Well good luck at Sweet Apple Acres. I’ll bring a stretcher by.”

“This isn’t funny, Anthony! I finally bagged one of the colts of my dreams, and his sister is going to kill meee!”

“You never mentioned you had a crush on him, oh this is just b-e-a-utiful!” I‘m now laughing like crazy. I wonder what kind of stuff I can get out of Rarity for this one!

“Of course I have a crush on him! Everypony’s got a crush on Big Mac! The only reason you don’t have a crush on him is because you don’t like ponies!” Rainbow said, gesticulating wildly. Man, she’s a load of fun when she’s riled up.

“Yeah, but you actually did something about it. Just now. So I think that counts a bit more. Seriously though, I’ll come with you. If AJ does anything worse than hospitalize you for a month, I’ll do what I can to hold her off, deal?”

“But you’re a wuss without your powers! She’d go right through you-”

With that I just sit right on top of her like I did with Shining and I watch as she tries to stay standing up. “What’s that now? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over your lesser body weight.”

I nearly flip completely off of her, though, when a wingtip snakes up and tickles me on the side. Crap! She’s found my one weakness!

“Haha- th- that’s ha cheating! Hahaha AJ do- ha! Doesn’t have w- w- wings!”

“Yeah, and now I’m the superior champion! Faster healing, superior speed, and I can tickle!” Dash then lets loose a surprisingly malevolent evil laugh, cackling merrily as she tickles my sides relentlessly until I can barely breath. By the time she lets me go, we’re both breathless and laughing. My bones feel like they’ve been replaced with jell-o.

“Well played Rainbow Dash. I guess I’ll have to come up with another thing to humiliate you with. Remember, the better you are, the more I torture your social reputation. By the way, how many ponies have you convinced that you don’t really have a human and/or paint fetish?”

“Eh, it all kinda blew over after a week. Nothing really makes a long-standing impact ‘round here. Too much weird stuff, y’know? Random aliens dropping in, space-whales coming to eat said aliens, demons from another dimension, ancient monsters getting loose, and aliens getting adopted by the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Speaking of, the leader of my fanclub has been strangely absent lately, you seen Scootaloo much?”

“They have not adopted me, I’m babysitting them so they don’t set the town on fire or unleash hellspawns upon the world. As for Scootaloo, no idea since I was in hospital.”

“Wait, she came to visit you in the hospital? Aw, man, she doesn’t even come see me in the hospital! She hates the place, won’t say why.”

“Well she does seem to like being near me. Guess I’m like the older brother she wished she had or something.”

“Heh... She doesn’t really talk much about her home life. I wonder if she’s actually got any siblings for real? Even I have a couple of siblings.”

“Yeah well, do we go see Applejack now, or should we tell her after your date?”

Rainbow’s slowly restored confidence fades a little, and her ears go flat. “Uh, well... maybe we should- that is, maybe we shouldn’t go- well, I just... ooh, you just had to pick him, didn’t you!” Dash grumbled under her breath after the exclamation. “Ugh, let’s just go now. I- I gotta do this.”

“I can’t do this!” Rainbow screamed, flapping with all her might. To her credit, she was lifting me, holding onto her tail, as she tried going straight up. There was a very impressive amount of downdraft buffeting me, as she tried to flee her encounter with AJ.

The earth pony in question was simply standing below, eyebrow cocked archly at the pegasus.

I stare up at the pegasus currently holding me above the ground. “Oh come on. I give you the guts to ask out the guy of your dreams, he says yes, and this is how you repay me?”

“I don’t wanna di~ie!”

“Pansy!”

“Private Pansy knew the valor of retreating!”

“Uh... to me, pansy is slang for wuss. So yeah, ‘wuss’ then.”

“I’m just being smart!” She’d almost gotten me a full foot off the ground; which is more than can be said for any other pony I’ve grabbed the tail of. Those being no others at all, of course, but that’s beside the point.

“So you’re gonna wait until after the date? Hey, maybe he’ll tell her.”

“I can’t! I can’t do it!” Rainbow Dash shouted, still trying to speed away.

At this point, Applejack finally decided to join into the conversation. “Rainbow Dash, if you stand mah brother up, Ah will personally make sure you never see a lick’a sun ever again. Y’got that?”

RD, and myself by association, fell to the ground with a thump. “Y- you don’t m-mind?”

“Dash, Ah told that story to Rarity because Big Mac was bein’ hounded day and night, no jokin’, by every mare an’ a hooffull o’ colts in Ponyville. An’ a few from Manehattan, but I don’ wanna know how that came about. Heck, he went to Appleoosa fer a summer just to get away from them. Then I made up Cloudy Lands or whatever and made ‘em stop. He could do whatever he wanted, I didn’t want him pressured inta nothin’.” AJ looked like she was rattling off a well-worn explanation. “Ah gotta protect mah only brother, y’know? Colts get real fragile sometimes.”

Big Mac? Fragile? Dude could knock a tree down if he wasn’t careful!

I dusted myself off briefly and stood. “So, now that we’ve got that cleared up, I guess I’m outta here. Seeya later Applejack.” I turn back for a moment. “Oh, and Rainbow Dash?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re welcome.” I laugh and walk back to Ponyville.

Chapter 107

I return to my goal of heading to the library. I wanted to see if Twilight had any info on this sword. Perhaps it could be a means of fighting until I get my powers back. I may only have basic training, but I’m still not new to swords.

I get to Golden Oaks and, finding Twilight reading as usual, I grab one of the bookmarks on her desk, stick it in the book and close it. “Come on, I wanna test out my new toy, and you’re gonna help.”

“Wait, toy? What toy?” Twilight asks, visibly flinching when I thumb the Sword. Jeez, she’s gotten jumpy for no reason.

“Yeah, I wanna show you what I can do. I’m no legendary knight, but I can at least cause some damage. And I have a feeling that this blade is more than just your run-of-the-mill shortsword.”

“Anthony, that’s an Implement of Creation! Or, rather, Destruction, they’re differing domains, but the Sword is still a part of the overall collection known as the Implements of Creation, but it’s still a well-known-”

“How well known? How much you think I could sell this for?” I eye the sword as if trying to gauge it’s value, which I knew was absolutely priceless. I wasn’t gonna sell it for anything.

“Sell it?!” Twilight screams, looking utterly horrified. It totally is priceless.

“What, it’s just a question. Like anyone would learn a damn thing if they didn’t ask questions. I just wanna know.”

“Anthony, I’m sure that if you had goals of destabilizing Equestria as a world power, you could find more complex and less idiotic methods than selling that sword to somewhere else.” Twilight summarized.

“So this could go for about 2k on eBay?”

“What?” Twilight looked at me with utter bafflement. “What does that even mean?”

“It means you ponies don’t have the internet. But then, I don’t expect you to get smart enough to invent it any time soon... or stupid enough, either one fits I suppose.” I sheath the sword. “Come on, let’s go outside. If I want to avoid tearing a hole in the space-time continuum or whatever, I should probably get some practice with it, right?”

“You- I- what?” Twilight babbled, following me with a confused and worried expression as I step outside and look around for a good, safe spot to practice.

“Alright, I’m gonna need something to hit. Like a wooden effigy of a guy or something. Anything really.”

“Uh... I can do something like that. Give me one moment, please.” Twilight turned and concentrated, horn lighting up. After a moment, a layer of light formed over her normal aura, and her face is screwed up in concentration. I turn, and see a pole of wood forming out of the ground, simply growing almost perfectly straight up. After a moment, Twilight stops, panting.

“Whoo... life magic is really hard for anypony but earth ponies.” Twilight informs me as I prepare to check on her. After some reassurances, I get ready to take some practice swings, imagining a sword held in front of the log.

I close my eyes and imagine myself back in the small field, the instructor to the side as my partner and I raise our swords. I remember the motions in my mind. Focusing on the way I hold the sword. I open my eyes and I’m staring at the log.

Left. Right.

I raise my arm and swing to the side, then do it again, a pair of horizontal slices.

Down-left. Down-right.

I repeat the slashes, aiming the sword at a downward angle.

Head strike.

I raise my sword again and pull it downward for a quick vertical cut.

Stab.

The second I regain my composure from the downswing, I use all my body weight to shove the sword as hard as I can straight into the log. In training then and just now, the set was only a few moments long, and very simple... but just doing the motions made me feel accomplished.

I look back at the log and it clearly shows where it’s been cut, and after a bit of effort I pull the sword out of the log’s “chest”. It’s still in one piece, but very easy to tell where I hit it, the “wound” from the stab seemed deep, and the wood around it was fractured... but it wasn’t too deep, only about an two and a half inches.

I still needed a lot of practice. I sighed and sheathed the sword before looking back at Twilight.

I frown, and see that she’s cowering, covering her head with her hooves and shaking like a leaf. Seriously, what is wrong with these ponies? You’d think I was waving around some artifact of destru- oh. Right, that’s exactly what she’s thinking.

“Oh relax, I did hardly anything to this piece of wood. I doubt this thing is gonna do any world-obliterating unless I have my powers back.” As if to accentuate my comment, another mare, one of the screaming flower trio, walks by and waves hello to me before giving Twilight a quizzical look. Then, the mare wanders away.

“Come on Twi, this thing is pretty much just a sword. Here, you take a few swings.”

The purple pony shakes her head and yells “Nuh-uh!”, though her words are rather muffled by the turf.

I sigh in exasperation. “Jeez, you need to relax.” I return the sword to it’s sheath. “You are way too jumpy. You sure didn’t mind dancing to the music I played at my hero party.”

“B- but! It’s literally a Sword of Destruction!” Twilight pontificated, lifting her head to aid in the presentation of her rebuttal.

“Yup, and look at all that awful destruction it brought to that log. Gee, I don’t think this should be used to cut butter it’s so dangerous.” I reply, voice dripping with sarcasm. The piece of wood is still standing strong, despite the various cuts and gashes, only a few at all deep.

Twilight just looks up at me with eyes that could kill a thousand warriors from sheer force of adorable. It’s only partially effective; being around the CMC has inured me to such assaults.

“See? The log you summoned, as well as the immediate area, is practically unchanged. This thing isn’t dangerous at all.”

“But ultimate power-”

“That seems to be untappable unless used by someone with cosmic power to begin with. I tried playing the Lyre without powers, and I was complete garbage.” Maybe not complete garbage, but I certainly didn’t know what I was doing with it.

Twilight appeared to begrudgingly accepting that, perhaps, I might be right. When she eventually gets up the courage to gently poke it with a hoof, I have to internally restrain myself from not simple collapsing into a laughing ball of stupid from how grossly over-the-top her trepidation is.

“Ha, and when I showed you the Lyre, you wouldn’t let go of it. Make up your mind already, these things aren’t dangerous.”

The purple unicorn didn’t seem ready to believe that yet, and I rolled my eyes as she distrustfully edged her way back inside, leaving me to my practice. Hey, maybe I could get one of the Royal Guard ponies to spar against, they might actually be able to give me pointers.

I think back to the few times I’ve seen the guards actually doing something, and realize I can’t think of any. Maybe getting a guard to teach me is a bad idea. But who? Being able to do all my normal power-based things and channel them through a sword? That’d be epic. Assuming it works like that, of course.

In the meantime, I need something to do to kill time until my powers reactivate or wake up or whatever. I decide to use my usual tactic of standing around and waiting for something to happen. Then I get bored after a few minutes.

Twilight comes down the stairs and walks up to me. “Hey, I saw this on my desk the other day but I was busy and I just saw it again now...”  She was holding my list of facts and questions about that random musical number.

“Yeah, so what’s up with that, anyway? I mean, I know that thing about magical buildup, but why is it manifested as music?”

“Oh, because it’s harmonious. There’s not much research into it, because the songs can get rather... upset if you mess with them or try to force them.”

“Define ‘upset’. You mean like the songs become about negative things like some of mine?”

“Er, no... here,” she said, levitating a book from one of the shelves. “This is an account of some of the experiments involving derailing or stopping an SMN in progress.”

I take the book and set it down to read later. “And my other questions...?”

“Well, my best guess is that your cosmic energies were shielding you previously. The few utterly non-magical races of Equus can’t perceive SMNs at all, same with ponies in antimagic arrays. Though, if that pony is the main part of an SMN, and they try to get out of it...” she shudders, a look of revulsion on her features. “Just read the book, it’s got several rather entertaining instances to go with the more notable repercussions.”

I nod. “Moving on... supposedly I didn’t notice them, but does that mean I participated and just don’t remember, or is me being vulnerable to it’s attraction a new development?”

“They’ve actually kinda been avoiding you, for whatever reason. Remember those times the town probably seemed mostly deserted for about ten minutes, then went back to normal?” I thought back, and surely enough I could remember those times; I’d kinda just assumed it was part of the ebb and flow of the town.

“Alright, but now they aren’t ignoring me. About the second question. Music is nice and all, but why can’t the release of energy be used in more beneficial ways? I doubt another demon coming through would be affected, unless his solo involved him singing about the delightful ‘crunch’ noise ponies make when he stomps them into a greasy...” I trail off as Twilight looks at me with horrified eyes. Right. Tender, innocent ponies, no room for horrifying acts of evil in their day-to-day.

Shaking off her shock, she replies. “Well, you might actually be surprised a bit. At least three major villains from the far past were defeated by SMNs aiding the heroes of the day. The songs can act as an impressive buffer against things like magical fear, mind control, and other powerful magics, and with little to no effort on the part of those who are benefitting from it. Also, at least two coup attempts have been thwarted by the SMN forcing the villain to sing their plans at the tops of their lungs on their balconies.” Twilight giggled at the last bit, and I feel myself smile as well.

“Sure, but I still wouldn’t put an ounce of trust in the power of something random, uncontrollable, and sporadic. And last I checked, neither do you... Absolutes are much more trustworthy, right?”

“Well, sort of... I mean, there’s not much research that can go into it. Considering the retaliations the music can do... and considering that anything trying to make a grab for power begins saturating the area around it in magic... Well, I’m sure you can do the math.”

“I can. I can also say for a fact that I found the urge to sing annoying, and resisted it with no issues at all, other than avoiding public humiliation from sticking my head out a window and singing completely random words that had no connection to what I was doing.”

“Wait, did you pause a song?” Twilight was looking at me with an expression usually found on cats that have just realized they’re in the midst of a busy highway.

I fold my arms defiantly. “I only sing or dance when I want to.”

“Get out.” Twilight’s words were stark, and I frown at the tone.

“Excuse me for not wanting to explode in forms of joviality despite my opinions on the matter. I think you ponies could actually benefit from some of my darker music, it can be pretty good at times.”

Twilight stared at me, her visage stony. “Get. Out. I don’t want to be caught in the backlash of whatever the local magic does to you in retaliation. Few ponies have died from it, but I’d rather not end up like Niggling Question.”

“Except nothing’s happened. It was before Gladius showed up, and I’ve spent most of my time since then here or in the hospital. Unless something awful happened since then that I didn’t notice, I’d say nothing happened.”

“Just go outside! Read or something, and don’t come back in until the universe is finished with you!” Twilight shouted, physically lifting me with her magic and leaving me outside the door with a book next to me. I can hear the deadbolt slide into place, squeaking a bit from lack of use. I could probably break into the library really easily, but I honestly don’t feel like it. It’s a nice, sunny day, and I feel like sitting outside anyways.

I do leave one thought in Twilight’s mind by calling out through the door. “It’d be an ironic shame if the universal backlash blew up this book! Just saying!” I look down at the book by my feet. It’s the one about what happened to the researchers testing the effects of messing with the songs.

Chapter 108

I pick up the book and flip through it as I walk through town without any real destination in mind. The entries are in chronological order, and each is pretty simple, with just a day/month/year date combo, the location, and what the researcher did to try disrupting the song. Below those details are the explanations of what happened as a result.

Attempt: Tackle leader of the song, and hold her mouth shut.

Result: A freak wind caused a roofing tile to fall down, hitting me on the head and rendering me unconscious. Thankfully, it only caused a concussion.

Huh, that’s... something. Could still just be a random coincidence along with bad luck.

The next entry reads

Attempt: Cast silence spell on the area, and prevent the song.

Result: Magical feedback strong enough to throw me through a wall, knocking me unconscious. Thankfully, it only caused a concussion.

Hard to argue with that, but so far nothing like what Twilight could be worried about.

Attempt: Dropping a microsurge grenade to disrupt the spell matrix.

Result: Sudden and inexplicable flamingo migration resulting in my being mobbed by over six hundred such animals. Thankfully, I only lost a lung and an eye.

Dafuq did I just read?

Attempt: Dropping a microsurge grenade (again) to disrupt the spell matrix.

Result: A branch from a tree that did not previously exist whipped back from a flexed position to hit me in the face. However, I lost my other eye to this, and cannot continue my studies.

“Huh...”

Attempt: Direct a dragon into the song’s area, to disrupt the SMN via fear and/or panic

Result: I am writing this from inside a dragon that was teleported right in front of me as it was closing its jaws. Results inconclusive.

Now that’s just craptastic timing.

Attempt: Set fire to the schoolhouse in the midst of the SMN to encourage the foals to evacuate in place of finishing the SMN.

Result: My third degree burns from the fire refusing to light until I was inspecting the firepaste are all the results I care about, thank you.

Okay, now he’s a moronic psycho.

Attempt: Light off small firecrackers to scare the lead singer into missing a line.

Result: I’m not sure where I am, but it’s really dark and I can hear things out there. If you’re getting this, please send help.

I need to find somewhere to sit down and read this... ah! the park. Also, how the fuck did that happen?

Attempt: Stop singing in the midst of the SMN

Result: literal frog in my throat; medical professionals have no idea where it came from, but it’s very healthy. Have adopted it. It’s blue.

Later note: The frog exploded, right as I was about to propose to my darling. That’s just wrong.

I agree. Most blue frogs are poisonous and should not be kept as pets.

Attempt: Trip one of the singers, causing them to miss a beat as well as a dance step.

Result: For two weeks, my legs seemed paralyzed, as I could not move them.

I call bull.

Attempt: Another pony attempted a flying tackle on a minotaur leading the resultant parade, as an act of racial hatred. Not affiliated with researcher.

Result: Somehow, she tripped, rolled into a beehive, then a pillow full of pegasus feathers, and finally ended up somehow trapped in a bundle of rope, completely unable to escape as the bees attacked, and then a small foal mistook her for a pinata. considering her previous actions, I feel this was absolutely justified on the part of Harmony, and approve wholeheartedly.

Friggin’ racists.

Attempt: Attempted to lead the SMN to the top of the nearby mountain, to deter the other participants.

Result: A four-hundred hooflength drop onto hard stone. Back is still mending. Why there was a pelican in the desert, I still don’t know.

Obviously it was Winter somewhere else.

And so on. There was something about one attempt leading to the researching getting hit with a custard pie and something involving a half-ton of rancid ice-cream.

In the back of the book was a few blank pages, evidently for filling more if I so chose. Considering that most of the entries are really bad, I don’t see why anyone would... except that a lot of them seemed rather exaggerated, or just really bad luck. It was like the SCP files, but for the darwin awards. Written by sixth-graders.

I lean back on the bench, just in time to get a bucket of paint on my face. In the literal sense, too, as it wasn’t falling opening-down, either.

And that hurt. I just got out of the hospital!

“Someone better have a really good reason for that little accident!” I yell to whoever was nearby.

I look up in time to see Ditzy touch down, a look of sadness and guilt on her face. “I- I’m so sorry, I lost my grip all of a sudden, and the paint just dropped! I’m so sorry Anthony!” the gray pegasus looked about ready to cry.

“Well, it’s not that bad.” A blatant lie, it hurt like hell. “Perhaps next time you should just walk when carrying things that can be dropped.”

Ditzy nods tearfully. The gray mailmare suddenly lunged forward, gripping me in a vice-like hug.

“Woah there, it’s fine. No big deal.” I just try to ignore the pain. I don’t want to make her cry.

After several moments of her just continuing to hug, me she finally lets go. “I- I’m still sorry. I’ll be more careful next time.” The little blonde pony looks like she’s been whipped, minus the lash marks, and it’s heart-breaking.

As she flies away, I have to wonder if that counts as the universe getting its vengeance on me. No, it was just a coincidence, it could have happened even if I wasn’t here. I grab a small stick from the ground and, using the small bit of paint on my face as ink, write my own entry.

Attempt: Easily resisted the urge to sing through sheer willpower.

Result: Absolutely nothing. The previous researchers are all whiners.

Satisfied, I turn to go back to the library, step on a discarded piece of ice-cream, and meet the road with my face. It hurts all the more when the still-cold ice-cream gets into the cuts on my face. Now what wasteful, clumsy idiot would waste ice cream by just dropping it? Nevermind about the road hazard, that’s just insulting.

I stand up, and take two steps, then find the only mud puddle left in the edge of the grass and fall on my face again. Someone in charge of this world must have a fetish for pratfalls.

“You know, if this is revenge for resisting, it should have happened weeks ago, moron, and on top of that, these little trips are pathetic.” I say out loud to the world around me.

Then, a grand piano hit two feet to my left.

“See, that doesn’t even make sense. If it’s supposed to be a warning, it should make sense in context, or it-”

With a whumpf, a forty-pound sack of rice hits me in the back, slamming my face into the dirt painfully. Talking back doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere...

But it’s obvious that whatever’s doing this is sentient. “So are you just gonna be doing this all day? Until I do what, admit that SMN’s aren’t just minor annoyances? Or do you want a doughnut or something?”

I lift my head, and nothing happens. Figuring that it’s at least laying off for now, I stand up, and look down to wipe the dirt off my shirt and pants. I stop when I see that there’s rice stuck to my shirt forming words. ‘saY sOrrY’. Huh.

“Oh come on, certainly we, as intelligent beings, can talk this out. Unless you enjoy pulling these simple, overly-childish and frankly pointless inconveniences on me.”

I look around, and see the rice on the ground, spilled into the words ‘alriGht, haVe iT your Way. nO heLp geTting yOur poWers bAck’.

“Pfft, like I need help. I just have to wait. Anyways, what’s your beef with me, really?”

After a few moments of nothing, I experimentally kick the rice, and -to my utter lack of surprise- forms words. ‘yOu messEd my sOng uP. JerK.’

“I may be a jerk, but I don’t take weeks to set up my revenge, and when I do, it’s better than falling objects. Why wait so long to drop stuff and make me fall?”

‘didn’T wAnna kIll yOu.’

Oh. “Well thanks, but why the delay? You have a root canal that day or something?”

‘no, sOng ElseWheRe. Not eveRyWherE aT oncE.’

“Fine, fine. So who exactly are you? You got a name?”

‘i Am haRmonY. alsO, lettErs hArd.’

“Wait... for real? Dude, this is hilarious! Harmony itself? Heh, you’d make quite the impression on Earth.”

‘I dO nOt unDerstAnd. I am HarmOny-betWeen-pOniEs.’

“Great. So why the issue with me then? You worry about ponies, and I’ll worry about me, ‘kay?”

Several moments went by without a response. Then, as I turned to leave, a swarm of passing butterflies formed the words ‘sOrrY, thOUght yOu weRe a pOny. hAve a nIce daY.’

“Before you go, is there a way I can prove I talked with you? Twilight would flip out, and I’m not passing up that opportunity. Heck, I could rub it in Celly’s face!”

The butterflies passed by again. ‘Run throUgh tOwn naKed, scReaMing ‘i sPoke to HarmonY tHrouGh thE butteRflIes.’ sHe’ll kNow wHat thaT meAns.’

“Nice try, but I don’t see why doing it naked has anything to do with it. Everyone else around is already naked in the first place... I just had a brilliant idea for later, thank you. If you ever want some advice on better revenge material, just ask. I got loads of ideas. Anyways, nice chatting with ya, cya later. Or not.”

With that, I returned to my goal of going back to the library. Twilight may not believe me, but if she doesn’t, then I can mess with her anyway. Before I do go to see her, I take another stick and write in the book.

Attempt: Resisted the urge to sing through sheer willpower.

Result: Absolutely nothing. The previous researchers are all whiners.

Had a conversation with Harmony itself weeks after the attempt. It didn’t know I was human, and now it’s leaving me alone. I assume I now have permission to ignore SMNs all I want.

Chapter 109

I knock on the door and hear Twilight ask who it is.

“It’s me, I had a chat with Harmony and we’re all good now. No major disasters are going to befall your precious town.”

Twilight obviously didn’t believe me entirely as it took her a minute before I heard the deadbolt slide back and she opened the door, looking around cautiously.

Seeing nothing but me and no indication of impending disaster, she sighs. “Fine, come on in. So what happened to you?”

I pass her the book. “I made my own entry, read it yourself.”

She opens the book and reads what I’d written down, and then immediately lifts me up with her magic. “That’s not funny, now leave before something bad happens!”

“No really, I talked with Harmony. Well, I talked. It spoke by spelling out letters with rice and butterflies.”

Twilight looked at me like I just spontaneously mutated. “Did you... hit your head?”

“Actually my face, quite a few times, but that’s beside the point. I’m sure Harmony wouldn’t mind chatting with me again, but it’s busy at the moment. It can’t be all over the world at once, after all.”

“I don’t care what delusions you just had, just tell me that your presence will not endanger those around you.”

“It won’t. Seriously, Harmony is cool with me, and it got me anyway.”

“Well... alright.” She puts me back on the ground.

“By the way... the full title it gave me was Harmony-between-ponies. That’s why it’s gonna leave me alone, because I’m not a pony.”

Twilight got a thoughtful look on her face. The kind that told me she was thinking of something very interesting, but might end badly for me. “You know... we never really got to use that species swap spell right. I still need to find out what you’d be like as a pony.”

“How about no?”

“Look, I know I messed it up last time, but it was a simple accident! I’ll get it right this time!”

“I don’t care, I’m not gonna be a pony, even for a few hours.”

“Come on. Why don’t you think of it as a way to connect with us on a deeper level?” She looked at me, expecting me to relent.

“Because it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care what supposed benefits there might be, I’m not giving these up for anything.” I say persistently, holding up my hand and wiggling my fingers.

She rolls her eyes. “Oh come on, what’s so special about hands? Sure they are convenient at times, but they aren’t that special.”

“Heh, says you. Why don’t you ask the princesses what I can do with fingers? I’m willing to bet they’d vouch for me.”

“I think the princesses would suggest you make the change so you can understand us better.” Damn, she had a point there. Still, I’m not about to be integrated.

“I am not going to be a pony, and that’s that, got it?”

Twilight sighs, exasperated. “Fine! Fine! I’ll drop it. But I still think just a few hours would make you appreciate us a bit more.”

We go our separate ways, and I figure I’d go see how the CMC are doing with their little business. I think about what Rainbow Dash said about me being adopted by them. That’s preposterous, I’m just looking out for them. Though Scootaloo really does seem to idolize me, a bit more than she says, at that.

I approach the little area where the CMC have their catapult set up and I see two others that seemed to be in the process of construction, but I also hear arguing... I hope it’s not over their new minor fortune.

As I get closer, I discover that the arguing is between the CMC and Diamond Tiara, for once not accompanied by her grayish lackey. I hear quite a few insults being thrown around, most of them rather childish, but occasionally there was a really hurtful-sounding one from either side.

I interject before any of the children do something that might be regretted later. “Hello girls. Is there a problem?”

Applebloom speaks up first. “Yeah, Diamond Tiara won’t leave us alone!”

The bully in question begins to retort but I simply cut her off. “I see.” I turn to Diamond and kneel down. “And I suppose you have a reason for this?”

She just glared at the CMC, but obviously was talking to me. “I don’t know why you care, they’re just a bunch of talentless Blank-Flanks!”

“Really now?”

“Well duh! Look, none of them have a Cutie Mark, everyone else in class has one!”

“So your Cutie Mark is a representation of your most notable skill, and therefore not having one implies you aren’t good at anything?”

Applebloom and Scootaloo are about to yell, but I hold my hand up to them, informing them that I’m still in control.

“Of course! It only shows up when you find out what you’re best at, and they have nothing! They’re just a bunch of big foals!”

“Perhaps they aren’t the best at anything-”

“Hey!” the four Crusaders respond in unison.

“But” I continue. “It’s obvious they have skills in plenty of areas. Sure none of them have a Cutie Mark for building or operating a trebuchet, but so far I don’t see any other ponies from here to Canterlot doing it... so that’s pretty special, right?”

“Yeah, but they don’t have their Marks, so obviously they aren’t that good.”

“I see. So just to clarify, a Cutie Mark is a symbol for all to see, showing what makes you a special individual and without one you are a nobody?”

“Of course! Everypony knows that, but these foals just won’t wise up and accept that they can’t do anything!”

“So I can judge any pony based on their Mark, and that defines who they are?”

“Ugh, are you going somewhere with this, or just wasting my time?”

I take a look at her Cutie Mark, obviously still the same thing, an exact image of the tiara on her head. “So from what I gather, based on your Cutie Mark...” I pause.

Diamond looks at me, irritated. “I know, I’m beautiful, that’s what it means!” She shows off her rump proudly.

I continue. “I gather that your only skill in this world and for your entire life is being just a superficial pretty face, meaning that’s all you're good for and you have no practical skills at all and will just stay a pathetic bully with her fat head stuck in her father’s wallet for the rest of her life.”

Diamond Tiara’s mouth just drops. “That’s a lie!!”

“No, it’s my opinion. You said that Cutie Marks symbolize what one is best at, and looking at your Mark, that’s what I see. Sure a blank flank shows immaturity, but it also shows a blank slate, a tabula rasa on which they can write whatever future they want for themselves.”

I’m met with silence from the whole group, so I continue. “While your mark has made itself known, and if I’m only basing my impression of your character on that, all I see is a rich bully who has no skills at all and must insult others simply to make herself feel good and distract herself from her pointless, pathetic future as a flash-in-the-pan nobody.”

At this point, Diamond Tiara is lying on the ground sobbing, and is just sadly gibbering out a mantra of “It’s not true, it’s not true...”

I pick her up. “You’re right, maybe it’s not true. But so far, you have yet to prove that assumption wrong. The more importance you put on something so blatant and permanent, the more it will affect you. If you want to prove that you aren’t the real childish loser here, you need to stop being such a bit- big jerk.” Whew, close one, gotta keep it clean for the kids.

Diamond Tiara looks up at me sadly, tears still running down her face. “I- I’m n- not a l- loser...”

I begin to pet her like I do with the other kids and she tenses up at the touch, but gives up, already feeling defeated. “You don’t have to be one. All you have to do is realize that no matter what somebody’s mark says, their future is not set in stone. Don’t be so mean, be nicer. That’s all it takes.”

I set the still rather sad Diamond Tiara on the ground and stand up. “Of course, if you keep being a bully to my friends, then I’m going to do something about it, and it won’t involve telling Miss Cheerilee or your father. Understand?”

She nods quickly and runs off. Applebloom speaks, looking in the direction Diamond had left in.

“Ah... ah’ve never seen Diamond Tiara cry before... an’... an’ all that stuff ya said...”

“I just gave her a taste of her own medicine. Seriously, having a Cutie Mark does not make anyone better than another. Neither does superiority, despite what that usually entails. But I was serious, if she keeps giving you trouble and you want it dealt with, just let me know.”

I hear Sweetie audibly gulp. “Wh- what would you do?”

I just shrug. “No idea, but I’ll think of something. She won’t have any broken bones or anything though, that’s for sure.”

Scootaloo finally finds words. “Diamond Tiara has been insulting us and making our lives miserable forever... and it was that easy? You just...”

“She judged based on appearance, so I did the same. Funny how bullies can never deal with being bullied...”

Scootaloo is all poofy again and just smiles up at me. “Thanks, you... really helped us out.”

In truth it had nothing to do with the CMC themselves, or even Diamond Tiara. I just hate bullies. Unfortunately, this one is so young I can’t get away with punching her face in so I had to use verbal tactics.

“Aww, c’mere you.” I grab the four of them and we all have a celebratory group hug, Scootaloo snuggling into my chest as usual. Maybe I should talk to her about the dangers of hero-worship. I swear, the way she idolizes me and Dash... I’m not sure if it’s totally healthy. I shake the negative thoughts from my head and just enjoy the warm, fuzzy, adorable huddle-hug.

When the hugging ends, I decide to head back to the library. It was still mid-afternoon but I couldn’t really think of anything else I wanted to do other than read, so I headed back to Golden Oaks.

When I arrive I just grab a book from one of the shelves and take it upstairs with me. I know Twilight hates it when I take ‘public library property’ up to my room, but I doubt there would be any urgent need for a copy of... I read the title.

Textiles and You: The future of manufacturing from a landowner's perspective.

Eh, fine, whatever. Once I’m in bed and actually reading however, I find it super boring. Like... really boring. I go back downstairs and put it back and grab another book, this one on gemstones and their relation to magic.

After a while of reading, I learn quite a few things. Apparently since they are more attuned to magic or something like that, the more colorful a gemstone is, the more it’s worth. A complete opposite of the way it works on Earth. No wonder my diamond creations aren’t worth dirt, they’re totally clear. Guess that’s why it only really intrigued Rarity, ‘cause it was shiny and attention-grabbing, perfect for something that has to have visual appeal.

I continue to read, gleaning a bit more information, but by now it’s actually gotten rather late and I’m feeling kind of tired. The book becoming rather boring is not helping me stay awake. Not really having anything better to do for the last few minutes of what could be considered ‘day’, I just drop the book on my nightstand and drift off to sleep.

I wake up the next morning and I feel... kind of odd. Well I feel alright and yet I... I...

I look around the room and everything looks normal. My bed feels a bit more spacious though. Come to think of it, everything looks... bigger than I remember. Maybe I’m just tired.

I try to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep, but I seem to miss grabbing the blankets. Odd. Oh well, it’s morning anyway, I suppose I should get up. I sit up on the bed and push myself onto my feet but end up face first on the floor. The heck? I reach up to rub my nose and realize there’s something stuck to my face. Shaking my head doesn’t make it go away so I try slapping it off

“Gah, that hurt!” I just hit myself! But that would mean... I realize I now have a muzzle! Pinkie seems to materialize out of nowhere and gives me a tackle hug, saying something about her being glad I’m finally awake and how neat I look. What? She’s also bigger than I remember. I go to push her off so I can escape her vice-hug and that’s when I see hooves. My hooves.

I. Have. Hooves.

if (LegCount != 2) [Return (Voice_Scream)];

if (LegCount != 2) [Return (Voice_Scream)];

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!”

Twilight walks in perfectly calmly. “Ah you’re awake. Good. Did you sleep well?” She was giving me that grin I only see on people who are way too happy with themselves and should be run over. By a fully loaded minivan.

I am so shocked at the circumstance it takes me two whole minutes for it to click in my brain. Twilight did this!

“You goddamn horse! I'm going to take every book you own, scribble in the margins, and-woah!” As soon as I step forward to strangle the evil dirty bitch, I fail at walking and end up on my face.

“Tsk Tsk tsk, you really need to be careful Anthony, you’ll never get the hang of things if you keep falling over.”

I growl at her, trying my best to get my hooves underneath me somehow just so I can stand up. “Twilight Sparkle, I will cut you in half with a blunt object for this!”

“Chill out Anthony, you know this is only temporary. Besides, it’s not that bad.”

I want to murder Twilight, but if she can turn me into a pony at will, my brain assures me she’d have no problems turning me inside-out in ‘self-defense’. Fucking magic. Fucking magic. If I had my powers right now...

She levitates a mirror over and I get a look at myself. All I can do is sigh as I see my new form staring back at me.

Pinkie Pie helps me get to my fee- hooves, and shows me how to adjust to my new center of balance. After quite a few attempts, I can walk. Pinkie had the idea of showing me around Ponyville properly as it hadn’t really happened yet, and I suppose it’d be interesting to get a pony’s-eye-view of the town.

As long as we keep my true identity a secret, taking a tour shouldn’t be that problematic. I must admit, things are a bit easier now that I’m a pony, since everything is designed for ponies... but I still can’t wait for this damn spell to wear off.

Well my identity was going to be kept a secret... mostly. Pinkie could resist the urge to introduce me to random strangers, but she just couldn’t keep it from the others, so whenever we stopped by the house of one of our friends, there was going to be an introduction... I don’t know how any of them would react though.

After we left the park, which I admit does look a lot bigger and more welcoming now, we headed for Carousel Boutique.

As we reach the front door, Pinkie knocks excitedly, but I nearly trip on a small pothole, requiring Pinkie to catch me before I end up a road pretzel. Which is like street pizza, but alive.

Rarity opens the door just in time to see Pinkie holding me in something approximating the classic ‘dip and kiss’ pose, though without the kiss, obviously.

This is going to be told to everyone before the hour is out, I’m sure of it.

Wait... she doesn’t know it’s me... yet. I might be able to salvage this! Maybe. I untangle myself from Pinkie as fast as I can without making a knot of myself, and stand up again. “Uh... hi there...”

“Well, hello there, dear! I didn’t know somepony new was coming to town, or I would’ve tried to snap you up before Pinkie did! Oh, how lucky of you both, it must’ve been love at first sight!”

These two things just made me completely wordless for all of two seconds. “What the fuck Rarity!?”

“Oh, such harsh language! Even if you are a fan of my works, you should know to be courteous around a lady!” Rarity offers me a haughty look, and I realize that she’s mistaken me for someone who knows her by reputation.

I decide to get things cleared up as soon as possible. “We are going inside before anyone sees anything. If Sweetie’s home, get her out... somehow.” With that I walk inside. This is going to be difficult if this is how it’s going to be with everyone.

“Wha- how did you know my sister’s name?” Rarity said, looking startled and a bit wary. Pinkie, though just hopped after me, giggling slightly.

“Duh, that’s Anthony! Twilight wanted to turn him into a pony and she said he’d be fine so I was the template again or probably more for the first time because the first time I was supposed to be the template for the spell Twilight got startled and accidentally turned me into a human instead and then you made me some clothes that I still have just in case of clothing emergencies and me and Anthony went whoosh! through the ground like we were flying except it was underground and-”

I cut off Pinkie. “Yes, yes, our great adventure. Anyways, I’m currently checking the place out like this for the day.” There’s already a rumor about my time with Pinkie. If it’s validated in front of one of Equestria’s most prolific gossips... I shudder at the thought.

“Ooh, and you want a dashing ensemble to catch the eyes of your dream mare! Ooh, I’ve got ideas already! Just wait here, and I’ll be back to measure in a moment!” Rarity zoomed up her stairs, and I feel like the entire universe just froze up completely. Or that’s just me.

Dream mare!? No way! I’m a pony but I still am absolutely positively never going to fall in love with one! When Rarity comes back and my head defrosts, I relay this fact to her.

The only problem with telling her, though, seems to be that she becomes selectively deaf when presented with a chance to make clothing, and she just hums over my protestations. If I hadn’t had to worry about the asteroid belt of flying pins and needles, I’d have run. As it was, I could barely speak as she measured and did whatever else she was working on. As well, Pinkie seemed to have disappeared.

I hope it’s not going to be like this all day. I still can’t believe that Rarity said that she’d take me if Pinkie hadn’t... which she hadn’t. Ugh this is going to be difficult. Hopefully everyone else doesn’t look at me and think ‘I want to date that’. Otherwise, this will be super awkward.

After about a half-hour of fitting, Rarity says that I’ll have to check in after an hour. Or she’d come to me, and the way she said that sent chills down my spine... Or along it? It’s a lot more horizontal now... this is still so weird. The chills likely came from the armada of flying pins that jabbed towards me to help make her point.

However, it looked like I was free to go for now, so at least I could get out of Rarity’s House of Shipping. Seriously, all these ponies are crazy. Except Twilight. She’s just an asshole.

When Pinkie randomly materializes again, she informs me that our next stop is Sweet Apple Acres. Thank goodness, Applejack will probably just shrug it off, not trap me in a whirlwind of sharp stabby-things.

When we get there, I realize just how short the trees are. I mean, yeah they’re tall because I’m a pony, but pretty short overall. I figured it was just because I was so tall. Now that they tower over me though, I’m worried I might get lost in these orchards!

Thankfully, Pinkie seems to be part Tigger, and fails to get lost, as she bounces along with me just walking along behind her. We arrive somewhere deep in the sea of apple trees, AJ bucking trees and making apples fall from them.

Huh. I thought that was just a Big Mac thing; I’ve never actually seen any of the other earth ponies do it. Maybe it’s just a family thing, then. On top of that, Applejack suddenly seems a lot stronger than I thought, and I previously thought she was pretty strong already. This is a mare who could take care of herself... why do I find that important?

The orange mare turned towards Pinkie and I, sweeping her cornsilk-gold mane out of the way with a flick of her head. She smiles as she sees us, and trots over, the scent of workout-sweat permeating the air gently. “Howdy, y’all! Who’s this, Pinkie?”

After Pinkie had introduced me, and my brain had stopped pointing out a whole slew of little, really unimportant things about Applejack, AJ offered a hoof to me, and I tentatively accepted it. Once the vibrations stop, I’ll have to remind myself to avoid shaking hooves or hands with the Apple family members. She is strong.

“So I had a rather interesting experience when I went to see Rarity earlier. You’ll never guess what happened.”

“She decided she liked yer colors an’ said she was gonna make you a fancy set ah duds?”

“Aside from that. But she apparently likes more than just my colors. It seems that she considers me ‘desirable’ for some reason. I mean, what the heck? Can you believe that?”

“Shucks, sugarcube, I can see it. Yer not really mah type, but I can see how some mares would go for the wiry build. An y’ look healthy. Still, always thought Rares liked white coats; guess it’s just the thinner ones.”

“I suppose. I’m still not interested in any mares, I mean come on, like a pony body would change how my head works. Besides, this is temporary.”

“Makes sense t’ me. Ah don’t know much about magic an’ stuff, really. Anyways, you here for a reason, or just tryin’ to distract me from work?”

“Oh! Uh, right, sorry. I’ll let you get back to work.” I start to leave but I get the overwhelming urge to say one more thing. “Hope to see ya again, AJ!”

Huh... that wasn’t nearly as weird or stupid as my usual verbal urges... why was that so important? Strange... As Pinkie and I walk away from Sweet Apple Acres, I see the pronking pink party pony pass me weird looks. I shrug it off, though, as we re-enter town, and have to thread our way past a small, angled blockade. A moment after we’ve passed it, a loud buzzing builds up, and I only turn in time to catch a glimpse of an orange blur fly from the tiny ramp and clear a house.

Huh. I’m... not sure what to think of that, actually. I just hope Scoots lands safely. I mean, she’s the only thing I know who would actually use a ramp like that, so it had to be her, right? Right. Heh, wonder what she’d think of her great hero if she found out what he looked like as a pony. She’d probably start crying. Well... maybe not.

Our next stop was a place I knew well, but since the town seemed so much taller, recalling the exact path to the Frothy Mug was a bit difficult. After several tries and finally resorting to just asking Pinkie, we made our way to the Mug at last. The bar was just getting ready to close as we arrived, but Stoic let us in anyways, because of Pinkie.

Obviously neither he nor Berry recognized me. Perhaps this could be used as a way to get around places like Canterlot without dealing with paparazzi. Huh... that gives me an idea for later. Making a mental note to ask Twilight about it later, I walk up to the bar and greet Berry.

“Howdy, stranger. Watcha want? We’ve only got light drinks now, and normally we’d be closing. But, I owe Pinks here a few favors, so her coltfriend can get a drink with her if you’d like.”

I’m about to correct her on her mistake, but Pinkie does it first. So glad she understands. This whole thing is weird though. Why does everyone assume a love interest and not just a friend?

“Huh, didn’t recognize you, Anthony, my bad. Still, this close to Hearts and Hooves day, I guess it’s just natural to assume... ‘specially with how close Pinks is sticking to you.” I frown for a moment, wondering what she means, and turn my head a little. I almost jump out of my skin when a field of pink and sterling blue eyes fill my vision, Pinkie’s smile a gleaming crescent of white. Okay... need to remind her of the ‘personal bubble’. How’d I not notice it though? Weird. And what did Berry say?

“Heart and Hooves? Is that like Valentine’s day or something?”

“Eh? I have no idea. Hearts and Hooves day is an old holiday, and it’s mostly centered around couples getting together. Have to say, even though it’s a cheesy holiday, it was the reason I met Poker-Face here, so that’s alright.” She gestures towards Stoic, whose expression was more stony than a granite cliff face. “And that’s how I got my little’uns, so it’s all good. It’s coming up in about two weeks, though I hear that Ms. Cheerilee is taking a vacation for the week before and after, after what happened last year.” Yeah, that’s not ominous at all.

I’ll ask about that later. And how this version of Valentine’s day started. Probably doesn’t start with a pair of dead people. How did we get a romantic day out of that kind of setup anyway?

Pinkie got us some light drinks, and they were pretty much something only she could dream up as it was less than 2% alcohol and 98% sugar. It was almost hard to keep it down, but it tasted great. Don’t know why, usually if it’s difficult to stomach I want less of it... guess ponies like sugar. Or there’s something in the drink that gives you a reverse gag-reflex. I put my money on something in the drink, knowing Pinkie’s creativeness and Berry’s ingenuity.

When we finished our little meeting with Berry and Stoic, we were headed to Fluttershy’s cottage when we ran into Rainbow Dash. Except she ran into us, and was flying.

“What am I, your personal landing pad?”

“Woah, sorry dude. You’re not hurt, are you?” Dash seemed really concerned all of a sudden, way more so than she normally is when tussling with me. She’s even checking me over for injuries!

“No worse condition than the last time you crashed into me. Or beat the shit out of me. What’s got you all worried about me all of a sudden?”

“Wait, Anthony?”

“In the currently very furry flesh.”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you were a... wait, you are a colt... what’s goin’ on?”

“Twilight decided I should be a pony for a day. It’s not that awful, I guess.” But I was still gonna get her back.

“Uh, right... anyways, whatcha up to? Any reason you’re near the edge of town, buddy?”

“Well Pinkie’s finally giving me an official tour of the place and we were about to go see Fluttershy, then you had your little accident.”

“Oh... alright. Uh, I’m not really one for small-talk, and I was coming in for a landing when you got to the top of the hill. You need anything, or can I get back to what I was doin’?”

“Get back to flying, or landing badly? Seriously, you’d think you’d learn a bit more control over your speed. Like slowing down before you stop. I’ve heard that helps.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Oh, whatever. I need to go pick up my order from Rarity. Seeya later, Anthony.” And with that, she trots off towards town. I look around and see there’s very few ponies around. Apparently, the outskirts aren’t frequented, so that at least explains why she thought she could just land. Still should’ve looked out.

“Good luck with Big Mac!” I yell back at Rainbow before Pinkie and I get back to our destination. I honestly don’t really see how a calm collected guy like that could do well with such an impulsive braggart, but I do kinda want to see her at least get a chance at it. Because then she’d owe me one.

Chapter 111

After a bit more walking, we are at Fluttershy’s door. I figure I should be a bit more gentle with the whole ‘I’m a pony for today’ thing. She’s so jumpy... at least she means well.

Pinkie knocks on the door, and I hear Fluttershy call out ‘just a minute!’ from somewhere inside. Strange, she normally asks who it is. After a moment, the door opens. However, instead of Fluttershy at the door, it’s Anne, her first four feathers on each wing splayed like fingers and moving like them, too. As they move and shift, I can hear vague ‘bwamp’ noises, like a flexed cookie sheet, along with the susurrus of metal-on-metal.

“O-oh, hi, Pinkie. And who’re you?” Anne asks, cocking her head at me. I realize that, with the sun coming through the window behind her and making her bronze bits practically glow, she looks like a classical angel. Very pretty. Yes, see this is a lot more likely than a mare being my significant other.

“Heya Anne. I’ll let you have three guesses.”

“Oh, Anthony! Uhm... you’re a pony?”

I feign shock. “Really!?” Then I roll my eyes. “I never noticed. Yes, I’m a pony. It’s gonna wear off fairly soon I think, though.”

“Oh... uhm, you want to come in?” She motioned inside, her wings moving like oversized hands.

Pinkie and I bounce and walk inside respectively, and after we’ve all made ourselves comfortable, we just sort of talk a bit. I really haven’t seen her in a month or so.

The harpy girl settles in next to me, and begins to talk about her daily life living with Fluttershy. Apparently, some of the animals are easier to deal with when Anne can be a relative ‘stick’ to Fluttershy’s treatments. Also, Anne found out that her claws are poisonous, something which shocked me a little.

“And uh... how’d you find that out?”

“Well, Fluttershy’s bear friend, Harry, hadn’t met me yet and got scared, and he lashed out. I sort of struck back, and cut his arm up pretty bad, and Fluttershy got us to stop. but then, his cut started getting infected, really badly infected, in fact. At first, Fluttershy thought it was just an infection, but it wasn’t going away from normal disease-treatments, and she realized it had actually just gone necrotic; like a brown recluse bite. The infection was a side-effect, not the problem. Anyways, we figured out how to make the antidote, and got Harry fixed up, but he mostly bald now for the next couple of months.” Anne snickered. “I know it’s mean of me to laugh, but the ‘Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear’ rhyme won’t get out of my head now.”

“Bet he’s not very fuzzy then. Is he?”

“Nope.” Anne said, smiling. Sitting here was actually really comfy, and comforting.

“So if his name is Harry but he isn’t hairy... do we call himEd Asner?”

Anne covered her mouth with a wing as she bites back laughter. Pinkie’s giggling too, but I don’t see how she could get the joke. Then, I realize that Anne has just stopped petting me, and retroactively realize that she’s been petting me since she sat down. It was... really nice.

Of course, asking for more pettings would pretty much be the most embarrassing thing I could do, so I just ignore it. And silently will her to keep petting me. But she doesn’t, thus proving I have still not yet developed my psychic powers.

This distraction leads to me being utterly surprised when Fluttershy, barely audible, says ‘hello’ to me from a few feet away. My yelp of surprise was a manly one.

“Jeez ‘Shy, for someone who doesn’t like surprises, you sure have a knack for it.”

The shy mare ducked her head. “S- sorry...”

“Ah don’t worry about it, we’re all good. Anyway, I guess you heard what happened with me?”

“Uhm, yes... I’ve been over here for the last half hour, since you got here.” Fluttershy says, and I blink. I... never even noticed her. I then briefly imagined just how quiet she could be, and that gave me a very interestingmental image.

“Well, then I guess that’s that. Yeah, this should be wearing off in a few minutes. I guess being a pony isn’t as bad as I thought... but I’m not staying like this!”

Fluttershy blinks once. “Okay.”

Pinkie suddenly envelops me in a hug, and I give her a hug back, because she’s rather soft. And firm, at the same time. And she smells like strawberries and sugar cookies. She’s also much easier to hug when we’re relatively the same size.

“Heh, yeah, the whole ‘walking around butt-nekkid’ thing is a little weird to me.”

Fluttershy and Pinkie muttered or said various things to the effect of ‘eh, it’s not that big of a deal’, but I see that Anne is turning that oxidized bronze color around the cheeks, as she realizes that my head has been laying on her thigh this whole time.

Then, I realize my head has been laying on her thigh this whole time.

I quickly get to my hooves, putting a bit of distance between us. “Heh, sorry. Guess that was a bit out of left field...”

Anne, still blushing, nods, and I see that Fluttershy is trading a wink with Pinkie. that bodes ill... Not that I have much time to think on the wink, as the door slams open, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders burst into the room. “Quick, where’s Anthony? We need some help with preventing a minor trebuchet-related catastrophe!” Sweetie shouts, looking around the room.

Crap. Oh well, it sounds important, so secret identity be damned. I stand up and walk over to the little fillies who are arguably not as little as I had imagined. They’re at least up to the bottom of my... pony-chest? Whatever.

“Heya girls. Whatcha need help with?”

“We need help findin’ Anthony, Mister! He’s a human, but not like from the weird stories from Nightmare Night, he’s really cool!” Scootaloo says. “He’s tall, and awesome, and he can shoot lightning, and he’s awesome, and he even almost beat Rainbow Dash in a race one time!” She’s gone all poofy again.

Actually Dash beat me pretty handily with that Sonic Rainboom. Guess Scoots really does over-idolize me... gotta fix that. However, I still appreciate all the stuff she said about me.

“Heh, darn right I’m awesome. Seriously though, it’s me. I’m just a pony now because Twilight did some weird magic-thing.” And she was gonna pay for it.

The three fillies look up at me, with something like confusion. Then, Scootaloo’s eyes flicker somewhere else for a moment, and I get a strange, uncomfortable feeling, like someone pried the lid off my soul and peeked inside. It’s probably just the lack of breakfast, really.

“You don’t have a cutie-mark.” Scootaloo whispers.

I roll my eyes. “Gee, it’s almost like humans don’t get them. Just saying.”

The three little ponies turned towards each other, shark-grins growing. As one, they shout, “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER RECRUITERS, YAAAY!!!” The force of the exultant shout nearly knocks me off my fee- hooves.

Recruiters? “Uh... girls, I appreciate the thought, but I’m fine without one. Wasn’t there some emergency you had?”

“She’ll be fine. We need to figure out yer cutie-mark!” Applebloom says, shrugging it off. Wait, wasn’t it a trebuchet catastrophe? Woah, where’s the fourth... crap.

“If Noi got launched somewhere or something, we should probably make sure she’s fine.”

“Nah, it only collapsed a little. Ooh, maybe you’re good at base-jumping!”

“Collapsed!? What are we waiting f-” I suddenly feel very very strange.

“How about concert piano? Are you any good at that?”

“No, now let’s go get Noi, didn’t you say you needed help?” That strange feeling is intensifying.

“Maybe it’s apple-buckin’!” Bloom suggested, to the groans of the other two. “What? It’s a valid question!”

The weird feeling beings to pass, and I look down at the Crusaders around my knees. “We don’t have time for this!”

“Oh, you’re human again. Drat, you should’ve waited ‘till we found your cutie-mark!”

An errant breeze stirred places not meant for such interaction, and I can feel my face growing hot as my mind patiently informs me I am standing in the middle of a room with seven females in it, all with a good view of me. And that I am not presently clothed in the slightest.

“Shit! Anne, you help them.” With that, I run out the door doing my best to cover myself, pausing to hit my head on the doorframe, forgetting how much taller I am. “Sonofabitch you ponies!”

I manage to get back to the library, by moving as quickly as I could, wishing I had my super speed.

I slam the library door open and rush upstairs to get some clothes. I frantically search for something to put on, but I realize that my clothes have mysteriously disappeared. There’s nothing on the floor or in my drawers! Oh I’d kill for some drawers right now...

The only thing that came to mind was Rarity. She said she made more than one suit for me, but I bolted while only wearing the one. I had to go see her. I had to leave the library. With a sigh, I grab a sheet from the bed and run off towards the Boutique.

After I’ve made my way to the boutique, I knock on the door and I hear the typical “Just a minute!” from Rarity. Soon enough, she opens the door.

“Hello again Anthony. Oh, you’re back to a human again. Shame, you made such a dashing stallion.”

“If you start hitting on me, I am going to tape you to a ceiling fan.”

“Of course I won’t!” Rarity replied defensively. “But I can still appreciate a fine colt when I see one, can’t I?”

“Sure, whatever. Anyhow, I need some clothes. The ones I had earlier seem to have vanished.”

“Ah. I was going to ask about your... wardrobe choice.” Rarity motioned for me to come in. “It really is too bad you couldn’t have stayed like you were for a bit longer, I was just finishing your ensemble when you knocked.”

“Honestly Rarity, I’m not sure if I want to do that again. It certainly helps with day-to-day activities around here, but it’s just so... weird.”

“I find it rather pleasant, actually.”

“You’re also supposed to be a pony.”

“True, but I still think you should consider it.”

“I... have actually.”

Rarity did a little jump and grinned with that starry-eyed look. “Really!? Oh that would be just divine! I-”

“It’d still only be temporary, and it’d be mainly for a way to walk around in places like Canterlot and stay anonymous.”

“Darling, why in Equestria would you not want everypony’s attention in a place like Canterlot?”

I roll my eyes. “Surely a gossip like you is aware of the constant tabloids about me and just about any pony with even a shred of notoriety. It’s beyond ridiculous!”

“Hmm... I see your point... Say, you wouldn’t be able to put in a good word for me with a few certain ponies there, would you?”

“No, now get me some clothes, it’s kinda drafty in here.”

Rarity gives a heavy sigh and levitates a bundle of clothes to me. “Here you are dear, I really would like to see you in this though. If you ever become a stallion again, you simply must come see me!”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. Bye Rarity.”

Once I’m back at the library, I take a look at what I’m actually wearing. It’s not a suit like before, but actually more like a dress shirt. The fabric is thin, but comfortable. It’s a nice baby-blue and the sleeves are just long enough to cover my arms but not interfere with my wrists. Rarity did a good job with the measurements. The buttons, which I originally thought were brass, were actually made from topaz. Geez, how does she get gems like these that she can just use them on clothes?

I guess there’s not really much other use if they aren’t big enough or whatever it is that makes them work with magic. They certainly are nice though.

Letting my mind wander a bit, I realize Myrna didn’t see me as a pony. Eh, guess it’s not that big a deal, it’s not changing anything. I recall I still had to get back at Twilight for casting spells on me in my sleep. I’ll think on what to do later. For now, I think I’m gonna sleep. It’s been a long day.

I take my new clothes off and crawl into bed.

Chapter 112

I wake up and immediately look at my arms. Thankfully, I had fingers. Just to be sure though, I pulled the covers off of me and sure enough I was completely human. With a sigh of relief, I get my clothes on and walk downstairs, where Twilight and Spike are having breakfast. I am going to get my revenge on that damned mare, but I want to do it when it’s not expected. Let her think she’s forgiven, then wham!

At the moment though, I’m hungry. I find myself missing a certain food I enjoyed for breakfast back home. “Man, I wish you guys had hotdogs.”

Twilight and Spike look at me quizzically. I clarify, understanding how the name could be so strange. “A hotdog is just a name for a length of meat served in a bun.”

“So... it’s made from dogs?” Spike asked.

“Nah, people don’t eat dogs or cats. It’s mystery meat.”

“What’s mystery meat?” Twilight this time.

“It’s what we call meat when the animal the meat is made from is unknown. it could be pork, beef, venison... heck some people think it’s the parts of the animal we don’t eat.”

“What parts do you not eat? Most carnivores eat everything but the bones and cartilage. Sometimes the cartilage too.”

“Yeah, same with us, though to a lesser extent. Some body parts don’t have a lot of meat on them so they get cut off and tossed out. You know, like the head, claws, hooves, beaks, talons, scales, that kinda thing.”

Twilight blanched at my mention of hooves, but Spike seemed rather interested. “So how do you not know what animal it’s made from?”

“We get most of our meats second-hand. There are hunters and farmers who sell the dead animals, and the people that buy the animals do whatever they want with them. It usually gets sold to a place where it’s cooked or whatever, packaged, and sold to the public. In the case of a hotdog, when it’s really just a small tube that can be made from any source of meat and still look the same, we have no idea what it really is.”

“You guys are so interesting.”

“I guess. On another note, I’m gonna be heading up to Canterlot today.”

“What for?”

“I was hounded by some reporters last time, and I told ‘em I had a message for all of Equestria. I’m gonna tell them to stop spreading all those stupid stories about me and the princesses.”

Twilight looks thoughtful for a moment. “I have a free day today, and I haven’t seen my parents in a while... I think I’ll go too.”

When we got to the train station and got our tickets, we noticed that the train itself was pretty much full.

I do see a spot just big enough for me, so I take that, but Twilight protests. “You can’t just take up two seats on a packed train like this! Now there’s no room for me- I mean, no room for anypony else!”

“Your attempt to avoid seeming selfish is pathetic.” I pick Twilight up and lay her down on my lap. “Let me give you some tips on social interaction.”

Twilight scoffs. “You? I’ve read plenty of etiquette books and I know how to act in a public setting, thank you very much!”

“Too bad, you’re listening anyway. If you’re going to say something mean, say it with some confidence. Besides, how can anyone know what to improve about themselves unless you criticize them?”

“It’s really annoying how you try to justify your actions when you act like a jerk.”

“I’m a younger brother, being annoying is something I was born to do.”

Twilight just rolls her eyes and makes herself comfortable for the trip. This involved a very catlike display of curling herself up on my lap.

I let my mind wander for a bit, but I’m snapped back when I hear a strange humming sound. I then realize that I’ve been subconsciously petting Twilight, and she’s doing that purring thing ponies do when I pet them. I really don’t understand it, guess it’s just an animal thing.

I keep petting Twilight and look out the window. Seeing a few landmarks I recognize, I figure we’re about two minutes from Canterlot. Guess I zoned out longer than I thought..

“Hey wake up, we’re almost there.” Twilight yawns and stretches, again just like a cat. “Have a good nap?”

“Oh be quiet.”

“Never.” I grin and scratch her ear, and she lets out a content sigh. Then she leaps off of me and to the floor of the train car.

“S- stop doing that!”

“Oh you like it, I know you do.” She blushes and looks around at the other passengers, some of them were giggling.

I see one of the mares nudge another and stage whisper, “See, this is why I’m dating a gryphon. Their claws can do amazing things.”

I can’t help but smile and laugh, especially with Twilight quite obviously trying to eject the mental image from her head as we leave the train. Yes... yes, first the embarrassment, then later... the punishment.

We decide to go see Twi’s parents first because I figure I can give my message afterward. No rush. As long I don’t get any requests along the way. Fortunately, it seems I’m being generally ignored aside from the usual double-takes. Ah, to be considered abnormal. It’s rather satisfying.

After some walking, with Twilight evidently taking in the ol’ hometown, we arrive at a small manor. And by small, I mean in comparison to the nearby manors, which take up almost all of their manicured estates, rather than only three stories and at least eight rooms wide.

I just turn to Twilight and look at her. “Why do you live in a friggin’ tree again?”

Twilight shrugs. “I’m paid to live there and read books. Also, it’s really cozy. And Celestia asked me to, so that’s three good reasons. Why?”

“Because... well, I guess the first two work. Come on, don’t you ever get tired of doing everything the princesses say? If she told you to light yourself on fire and run through town in a banana suit-”

“Then she’d probably have a good reason for it! I trust her.” Twilight stuck her nose up a little, and began trotting steadfastly towards her parent’s door.

“Would you do it if I paid you?” This gets her to stop, and she looks at me with a look of confusion.

“Why would I?”

“For money. I said ‘if I paid you’ so that’s obviously the reason why you’d do it. Why I’d like to see it... well, for the sake of seeing it.”

“No! That’s a stupid idea, and a stupid reason.” Twilight sighed dramatically. “Please be on your best behaviour? Please?”

I put on a look like I’m thinking hard, just for the sake of being dramatic. “Well... since you asked nicely... maybe.” I give her an evil grin. “No promises.”

Twilight gives me a level glare, but I can just smile it off. I was going to be civil unless I got bored. And Twi’s parents should be at least a bit interesting... right?

Twilight knocks on the door, and after a moment it opens, revealing a butler. The butler looks at me, an eyebrow raising for a moment. As Twilight requests he invite us in, his eyes flash green for just a moment, and Twilight doesn’t catch it. I have to fight back a smile at the little indicator of his species.

Rich ponies have vaulted ceilings and large doors. This pleases me. As we stepped into the manor, I get a good look around the place. There a prevalence of dark blues, purples, and silvers, with a dominating stripe of pink-purple used as an embellishment. If I didn’t know Twilight wasn’t a super egotist, I’d say she had the place designed based on her color-scheme.

We’re directed to a sitting room, where I can see Shining Armor, Cadence, and two other ponies seated near a fireplace. One of the two ‘other’ ponies is a navy blue stallion in a burgundy bathrobe and smoking a... bubble pipe? Uh... okay.

The other pony is a pink mare with a two-tone white-and-purple mane, cut in the exact same shape as Twilight’s. As in, exactly the same. It’s beyond eerie. It’s about then that I put two and two together; the house is decorated in their colors, which happen to coincide with Twilight’s. Makes sense. Mostly.

The sitting room is tastefully furnished, and Cadence’s eyes light up when she sees who’s arrived. We’re directed to a small loveseat by the pony who I assume is Twilight’s dad. He puffs a few bubbles from a pipe, then sets it aside.

“So, you must be the ‘Anthony’ we hear so much about. What brings you and my daughter here to Canterlot? Just up to see us?” The stallion gives me an appraising look. Cadence is urgently whispering into Shining’s ear, and making eye motions at me, her grin rather large.

“Eh.” I shrug. “That was more Twilight’s goal, but I figured I might as well meet the parents of the girl who I’ve been spending most of my time with, y’know? Two years is a while to live with somebody and not get to know their folks, right?”

The stallion smiles, and nods. “Very true. Say, have you ever heard what I used to do when I was younger?” The navy pony lifts a pipe, this one different than the other, and puffs a few bubbles from it. They lazily drift around the room on the fire’s thermals and currents.

I think of a good answer to his question and, looking around the room which could only belong to someone wealthy and well-employed. I then came up with the perfect, appropriately silly response. “You... worked on a Tater-Tot farm?”

“Hmm? No, can’t say I’ve done that, though it sounds educational. No, I used to be in the Equestrian Border Operations, before it was broken up.” The stallion waved the pipe, in a vague way usually connected to ongoing exposition.

“I see. So what did you actually do?”

The stallion smiles widely at the invitation. “Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, before the Guard became what it is today, I was on the front lines, defending Equestria from the secret threats that assaulted it from every direction. We’d never have had a changeling super-hive ambush a wedding in my day, nosiree!”

I can see Shining face-planting into Cadance’s shoulder, as she smiled indulgently. Even Twilight appears to have stopped paying attention.

“Yeah, sure.” I say somewhat derisively. “And I’m guessing you’d also walk up to the queen, grow to about fifteen times your size, and stomp her into pulp. No wait... that was me.”

“Hmph. I would’ve used a sling charm and cored her head from the top of Mount Canter with an anti-magic crystal to make sure she can’t regenerate or activate any contingency spells. Direct confrontation? That just leads to collateral damage.”

“Sure, whatever. I’m just saying, you’re not the only one who could kick butt.”

“Maybe not anymore, but I could still whoop you.” The stallion smiles challengingly, and his wife throws up her forehooves.

“Okay, colts, you can stop the pissing contest already! Sweet Celestia... Can you do anything but butt heads with him, Night?” She shakes her head. “Now please, dear, tell me what is your occupation?”

“Uh...” I think for a moment before responding. “Bum.”

The mare blinks, then smiles again. “That’s um... nice, dear. By the way, I’m Starlight Glimmer, but you can just call me Stars.”

“Alright then, so what’s your handle?” I ask, turning to Twi’s dad.

“My name is Night Light. Surely Twilight’s told you of her beloved father?” He looks mildly saddened, raising yet another pipe to his lips for a bubbly puff.

“Nope. She didn’t even say anything about her having a brother. Didn’t find out ‘til after Cadence introduced me to him.”

Twilight looks surprised, then confused. “Wait, I forgot to mention Shiny? Huh, I could’ve swore it was checked off of my list for you...”

“I probably wasn’t paying attention. You tend to ramble a bit so I tune you out sometimes.” Her expression turns to a glare, and she huffs and turns away. For some reason, this makes her parents make weird little cooing noises. I don’t get it, maybe just a parent thing.

“So yeah, I’ve been living with Twi since I got here somehow. No idea how I did, but I’ve been just hanging around, making her life... interesting.”

Twilight blushes and cringes as her parents both turn to her with eerie stepford smiles. “Well, Twilight, that’s wonderful news! To think you have such a close friend in mister Anthony is a genuine delight!” Night Light says.

I think for a moment on my relationship with Twilight, especially recently, and I figure that his statement needs correcting. “Well, actually, to be honest I’m not sure if ‘close friends’ really is the best way to put it...”

I begin pressing myself into the back of the small couch as Twilight’s mom turns her grin from ‘stepford’ to ‘raging psychopath’ and points it at me. “Well, of course not. I’m sure you’re just being modest. Why, I’m sure it’s been wonderful for you two, minus the rocky parts and bumps in the road. But I’m sure your ‘friendship’ is plenty secure after those hardships, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. Though she didn’t help much when I was dealing with the demon who went around burning ponies alive.” I pick up Twilight and pet her like a dog. “But that’s okay, I don’t expect too much from her, after all.”

Twilight’s mother nods in sympathy. “I know, it’s the same as with my husband here. Just be sure she doesn’t starve herself by accident while working on a project; Nighty here occasionally forgets he doesn’t have a drill sergeant to breath down his neck to start mealtimes anymore.”

“Eh, that’s more Spike’s job. I’m not her caretaker or anything. Though if you ask me, she could stand a bit more exercise.” Twilight blushes brightly, though she doesn’t try to escape my grasp as I continue to stroke her mane. It’s very soft, though not as soft as Fluttershy’s.

Both of Twilight’s parents nod to each other, before turning to the two of us, and ask in unison, “So, how long until you’re getting married?” and “When can I expect grandfoals?”

My eyes go wide. “Married!?” and then it feels like everything in the entire universe just shuts down.

Chapter 113

I wake up with a yawn, the sun streaming gently into the room. I blink owlishly at the sleeping figure next to me and smile. Ever since the wedding, Twilight’s been sleeping so peacefully, and actually doing so at night. I can’t help myself, and I simply snuggle closer, catching a few more Z’s next to my favorite being in all of creation. Her fur is so warm and fluffy against my bare skin, and it just makes me feel... good all over. Just the general feeling of having her close is a comfort.

Nearly an hour later, we both finally start getting up, me dressed in my suit and her in her usual housedress. Together, we pranced to the breakfast table; an old joke between us. We sit down and eat a hearty breakfast of oats, daisy sandwiches, fruit, and other things. Such as a steak. It is delicious.

Then, it’s time for us to spend our day, which of course, must commence with us repeating our marriage vows in front of Cadence, because we loved each other too much to ever forget it, and we needed the other to know it, each day of our lives.

This is the point where I look down, just about to kiss my dearest beloved wife, and realize that I’m naked at the altar!

Shrugging, I simply stop caring, and the problem is no more. Now to go back to kissing my schmoopy-doopy lovey-poo.

Our lips meet and-

I open my eyes and I hear a loud, continuous noise. I then realize it’s me and I’m screaming. Why wouldn’t I be!?

“Holy mongoose in a monster truck! What the fuck just happened?” I look around and I see Twilight standing next to me. “If you even touch me right now, I swear I will drive a nail through your forehead!”

Everypony in the room steps away from me, and I realize I’ve come to my feet and am now pointing a finger accusingly at Twilight like it’s a loaded gun.

“Okay... everybody better tell me what the heck happened just now, or I am going to flip out!”

“Uhm, you already are, Anthony.” Cadence says, quietly.

“I don’t care! Tell me what just happened and why I just saw the reason Dante was too scared to write down the final circle of Hell!”

“What? You just sort of collapsed when Mr. Light mentioned marriage.” Cadence says, Twilight off in a corner now, being comforted by Shining Armor. Twilight’s parents are nowhere to be seen. “You were out for no more than, maybe, ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes waaaaaay too long! I don’t even want to remember what I saw. Seriously, can you use your fancy magic and poof up a jug of brain bleach? That’d be great.”

“Of what?” The pink pony princess asked.

“Brain bleach. A sadly fictional liquid you drink to completely erase your mind of all thoughts and memories. Let’s just say that I just had the worst experience of my life, and I am glad I didn’t really experience it.”

“Wh- what would- how could anything be that bad?” Cadence demands, sounding utterly horrified.

“I dreamed I was actually married to Twilight!” I honestly barely managed to fight back my gag reflex.

Cadence starts, hooves up to her mouth with glee. “Oh, that’s so adora-”

I cut her off. “No. No it wasn’t. It was awful, and dreadful, and so ‘ful’ of other things that I can’t think of the other words I want to use right now.” That got her to shut up. I take a few deep breaths. “So, I’m not married? To anyone in general?”

“Well, you don’t have a ring or anything. Unless I’m mistaken, I’m fairly sure you are single.”

“I have never been so glad to hear that.”

“So...” Shining addresses me. “What’s the problem? Any particular reason you wouldn’t marry my little sister?”

“For one, she’s a pony, that’s a big one right there. I’d say we’re pretty much incompatible from just that.”

Cadence spoke up. “But... plenty of ponies marry other species. Sure it’s not-”

“No. I am a human, and I am not going to get with anything that’s not at least mostly human as well. In fact, explaining that to Equestria as a whole was my entire reason for coming to Canterlot.” I turn to leave. “Tell Night Light and Stars that if they want their daughter to get laid, she’d have better chances with a Rahkshi.”

Twilight looks up, very confused and somewhat insulted.“A what?”

“Nothing you’d find in any of your books. I’m going to see about my little Disinterest Speech.”

Luckily it seems that the journalists had done a good job of spreading my desire to speak to all of Equestria. Once I told Celestia I was going to give my speech, it didn’t take long for most of Canterlot to show up.

I looked down at them, murmuring and speculating with each other. All talking amongst themselves, not even one of them was even looking at me as far as I could tell. I was going to have to shout to get them all to hear me.

“Hey!”

My voice definitely got the crowd’s attention.

“A lot of you ponies seem to think I am in a relationship with the princesses, or any ponies at all. I’m here to inform all of Equestria that these rumors are as far from the truth as possible. To clarify for all you gossip-hounds, I am not interested and never willbe interested in having a pony as a romantic partner. Those of you who sent me letters asking for sex are not only delusional, but just plain gross. If any of you still think you can get away with printing tripe about my love life, I will approach you individually and clarify muchfurther. With my fist. And don’t think I don’t read newspapers. If I find anything misconstruing or paraphrasing anything I’m saying now, I will be angry. You have all been warned, and will receive no furtherwarnings.”

My speech done, I turn to leave the balcony and I see Celestia shaking her head. “Why do you always insist on being so harsh, Anthony?”

“Kindness creates allies. Fear begets respect.”

“As much as I don’t want to believe that, years of personal experience prove you right... but please don’t be so forceful with them. They-”

“They won’t listen to me if I don’t scare them.”

Celestia eyes me warily. “How do you know that for sure?”

“The alternative is being a strange creature with no respect.”

Celestia shakes her head, disappointed. “You can be very smart, yet you still have somuch to learn.”

“Eh, I like my way better anyway.”

“But is it the right way?”

“Probably not, but either way, it’s the way I’m doing it.”

“Much, much more to learn...”

I just shrug and take my leave.

I’m wandering through the streets back to the train station when I hear a yell.

“Stop, thief!”

Looking in the direction of the yell, I see an earth pony in a brown, ragged cloak running out of a store. Unfortunately, this thief is really stupid as he clearly didn’t make any attempt to hide his face.

I run after him and manage to grab him by the tail. “Give it up, klepto the super dip.”

He pulls his tail out of my grasp and doesn’t try to run. Instead, he talks, making his voice recognizable as well as his face. Stupid stupid ponies.

“Who’s gonna make me? You? Everypony in Equestria knows you don’t have powers anymore, you couldn’t-”

I cut him off with a rebuttal in the form of a fist. Then I throw myself onto him in a body slam. Pretty easy since ponies are much shorter than I am.

“Couldn’t what dirtbag?” I say angrily, pinning his forehooves to the street with my hands.

“Let go! Get off of me!”

“Answer the question.” I grab one of his forelegs and start pulling back from my position atop him. Given the fact that I meet resistance rather quickly, I feel safe in assuming that pony legs do not bend this way naturally. He’s also wincing, so that’s another clue.

Suddenly he’s scared. “L- let me go!”

“You said I’m weak, get out of this yourself, punk!” Given the new position of his leg, I am more pushing it down, rather than pulling on it.

“I... I won’t do it again! Let me go!”

“Why should I believe you?” I grit my teeth and push a bit harder.

“I’ll never steal anything or insult you ever again! I swear to Celestia!” I mentally facepalm.

“That dumb broad? Like I give a rat’s ass.” I shift my position and put all my weight on his leg. He starts yelling. Once I hear a loud *snap* I consider my job done.

I get up and look down at the pathetic talking animal. He tries getting to his hooves, but obviously has a hard time putting any weight at all onto his broken leg. Now he’s whimpering like a dog.

“Oh shut up and walk it off. I’ve seen Earth ponies bounce back from worse.” I grab the little saddlebag he was wearing and toss it to the mare outside the shop that the thief initially ran out of. That done, I begin walking back to the train station, but apparently this doesn’t happen often. All the ponies are just staring at the scene, mouths agape.

“What are you glitzy fish-brains looking at?” I pull my sword halfway out of it’s sheath. The second I do that, all the ponies immediately put on an act that poorly resembles minding their own business. Good enough I guess. I sheath the blade and once more attempt to get to the train station.

Unfortunately, I am ordered to halt by a smattering of guards. They are aiming their spears at me, but don’t look too sure of themselves.

“Well? What is it? I haven’t got all day. Actually, I guess I do, but get on with it anyways.”

“You are uh... charged with assault?” He looks to the guard at his left, who just shrugs.

I roll my eyes. “But he was a thief. I stopped him.”

“But, that’s our job... falsely posing as a guard?”

“I didn’t claim to be on your force, knucklehead, I just stopped him myself. Face it guys, you got nothing.”

“But... but you broke his leg!”

“I’ve seen Earth Ponies heal from cracked ribs in a week. This guy should be fine in a few days.”

The guards, stumped, just look at each other and try and figure out what to do.

“When you finally decide on how to congratulate or reward me, I’ll be in Ponyville. Seeya.” I walk around the small gathering of guards, but they stop me.

“Hey, wait! You can’t just-”

“Look, I don’t give a crap about you guys. If you want to argue, call someone with a higher position, okay?”

“Will I suffice?” I turn to see Shining Armor behind me, and the other guards go stiff like a bunch of marines facing their commanding officer. Well, I guess that’s pretty much the same thing here. Shining continues. “So what’s going on here?”

I roll my eyes. “Oh your little underlings are trying to come up with some reason they can convict me. All I did was stop a thief.”

Shining look at me hard, then around the area. “Given the way the place looks, I get the feeling there’s more to that story.”

I look around and I have no idea what he means, the place looks perfectly normal. Maybe he’s better at this than I thought. I shrug. “Well if you want details, he was an earth pony so I broke his leg. He’ll be fine.”

“But you still attacked him.”

“Because he was stealing something from a store. I didn’t see any of your guards around until after I dealt with him, so I’d assume I was the only one around to stop him.”

“True, but your methods were hardly professional.”

“But I’m not a professional, so that should make sense and therefore be a pointless argument.”

He sighs. “Why are you being difficult, Anthony?”

“I’m not being difficult, I’m telling it like it is. If you want to arrest me, fine. But you better have a good reason for it, buddy.”

“Well... disproportionate retribution is frowned upon, but not really a crime...”

“But assault is. Except I was using it for the purpose of stopping another crime. Am I a criminal for stopping a thief?”

Shining looks stumped as well. “You’re coming with me to see Celestia. Men, take the thief to a hospital.”

With a quick ‘yessir!’ the group went down the street, then stop and turn back. “He’s not here anymore!”

“They let a thief, a crippled thief, get away.” I look at Shining. “This is your royal force of peacekeepers?”

He sighs. “Just... just drop it. I don’t know if you should be taken in for your actions, but I’m sure Celestia would want to talk with you about this.”

“Fine, let’s go see what the royal policy on vigilantes is.”

Chapter 114

Shining leads me to the throne room of the castle, where Celestia and Luna are talking about... something. When we enter, they both turn to face us.

Shining bows down in front of them. Do these ponies have any dignity? Getting up, he addresses why we’re here. “Princesses, there is a legal matter I need help with. I can’t seem to make a decision of what should be done, if anything.”

Luna purses her lips. “And what is the nature of this matter?”

I sigh. “I stopped a thief by breaking his leg. He’s an earth pony, so he’ll be fine in a few days, right?”

Shining Armor nods, confirming that I’m telling the truth. “So the question is... would assault be illegal if it’s used to stop or deter a criminal?”

I decide to point out an important detail. “Remember, I wasn’t acting in self-defense, I just involved myself. Also, the thief was stopped and whatever he stole has been returned.”

Luna pondered for a moment. “But you still committed assault...”

“On somebody who was committing another crime. That’s what human heroes do. They find the bad guys and beat the crap out of them.” I’m aware there’s a bit more to it than that, but that’s always the good parts of the movies anyway.

Luna stomps her hoof. “But that does not entitle you to a free pass. Here in Equestria, you are subject to our rules and laws.”

“Alright, and what are your rules about causing substantial harm to a party for the purpose of protecting another party, in the case that the latter party is much more numerous than the former?” I leave out the fact that I really attacked him for insulting me, but I’m smart enough to know saying so wouldn’t help my case.

Luna opens her mouth to respond immediately, but she says nothing. After a moment she closes her mouth and looks to Celestia. “Sister... do we even have anything for or against this situation?”

I add something else to my argument. “Keep in mind that this is what I’ve been doing every time I’ve fought anybody, aside from doing it for sport. If this is a crime, then I’ve been committing this crime for months now.”

Celestia inhales deeply, closing her eyes in concentration. She looked at me, then at Shining Armor. “Captain, did the criminal get away?”

Armor, to his credit, didn’t even wince. “Yes, Princess, he did.”

Celestia nodded. “Was the limb broken, cracked or sprained?”

The captain thought for a moment. “It was definitely broken.”

The white pony princess nods once more. “Then... Anthony, you failed to stop the crime, and assaulted a citizen of Equestria, regardless of their criminal status. As the other menaces you’ve stopped or have been instrumental in the stopping of have not been Equestrian citizens, you are not being charged. As you have acted in direct defiance of the laws, you are being charged with one count of aggravated assault and one count of obstruction of justice.”

“Wait, what?” I say, sure that the charges should’ve either been dropped or far worse.

“Your sentence will be simple; you will do community service in Manehattan, as per the local coordinator’s guidance. If you fail to comply, more extreme measures will be taken.”

I stand, completely dumbfounded. Community service? That’s it? I guess I shouldn’t complain, but... still. Also, another declaration bugged me.

“Obstruction of Justice? But there weren’t any guards around at all! They didn’t show up until I did something. Your other verdict is sound, but what the hell? How can I obstruct someone who’s not even present to do their job?”

“Actually...” Shining Armor began. “They were there, you just acted first. As for why they didn’t do anything, they probably didn’t want to join in a fight that involved you, given your track record.”

I open my mouth to protest but shut it. “Fair point. Fine, guess I’m off to... where was it again?”

“Manehattan.”

I sigh at the pun. “Let me guess, it’s located in Neigh York...”

“Well, yes it is.”

I blink twice, hoping that wasn’t what she said. But it was. “Oh brother.”

I get off the train and I am shocked to say the least. I... woah. These buildings are huge! This wasn’t like a Pony-sized Manhattan, this place is to human scale! I’d never been to New York personally but... for once I’m willing to say Equestria’s version of a given location would suffice. I get dizzy looking up at the skyscrapers all around.

I mean there’s a distinct lack of cars, rather they had those literal horse-powered taxis I’d seen in Ponyville on rare occasions, but other than that, this is kinda what I’d expect Manhattan would have looked like if everyone was super eco-friendly and didn’t pollute. Glass, brick, mortar and steel are what support these buildings, none of that flimsy wood or thatch that was in Ponyville.

I’d seen Canterlot, but this... woah...

Why am I here again? Oh right, community service. Screw that noise, I’m gonna take a look around!

“And where are you going?” I hear a gruff voice call out from behind me. Oh right, Luna decided to send some of her guards to make sure I don’t dawdle on my first day. Forgot about that. It seems Luna doesn’t trust me in the slightest, as I turn around and see that three of them are wearing combat armor, most likely in case I tried to fight.

I figure being a smartass would just get me in trouble, I play along. “Nowhere, sir. Where should I be going?”

He gives a gruff “Follow me” and he leads me through the huge city. I am also being ‘contained’ by the night guards, as the other two armored guards are walking at my sides, and the last three are forming a tight wall behind me. Looks like adventuring will have to wait until I’ve done my time.

After some walking, my little entourage stops when we come to a smaller building. And by that I mean it’s small compared to the hundred-and-fifty-plus story tall skyscrapers that are the norm around here. If it weren’t for all the ponies walking around, I’d think I was back on Earth!

I’m escorted inside and going up a few flights of stairs we get to the correct floor. The wood paneling at the base of the relatively short hallways is tastefully paired with a soft green wallpaper, and there’s even occasional windows at the landings between floors on the stairs. There’s a few paintings in the hallway, all of them extremely generic but soothingly so. This feels like every stereotypical ‘high-end’ office building. Though not unlike the many human counseling offices I had been to in the past.

I plop down in a chair and wait for the pony to come in, claiming to be a ‘doctor’ and telling me ‘how happy he is to see me’. Sigh, let’s just get this over with. The pony who arrives, sits down in a high-backed chair facing away from me.

“So, I, like anypony else with eyes, can see you’re not a pony. And that’s perfectly fine. I am telling you this so you know I don’t have any bias based on that fact, nor am I going to treat you as I would a pony.”

"Oh cut the crap and let's get down to brass tacks: You're here to 'fix' me and get paid."

“No, I’m here to help you. I get paid whether I’m doing anything each day or not; having a full retirement payout when I was twenty-five will do that. I do this job because I get to help others. And because cabin fever is a terrible thing.”

I roll my eyes. “Wow, you sound like every single other counselor I’ve met with before I even came here. Are you guys, like, spawned in a tube or something?”

“Ha, no. though I admit, the other counselors I’ve met do have a tendency to be similar. That’s actually something about ponies with similar talents in general. It’s a fairly new study, but it does appear that there’s some fairly strong correlation between cutie-mark and personality in adults.” The counselor stops, the soft voice fading for a moment. “Though, really, it should be you rambling on about something or another, you know. That is the whole point of being the patient.”

“No, the point of me being here in general is so I can get this whole deal over with and get back to my life of doing whatever I want. I’ve done this ‘counseling’ thing for years and years. Most of my life in fact. Pony or not, you’re just another page.”

“Ah. Would you prefer I just start writing some random diagnosis, then? I think I can swing solipsism, maybe some megalomania, and perhaps some chronic whininess.”

I roll my eyes. “Cute, you’re trying to ‘connect’ with me by acting unprofessional so you can be my ‘friend’.”

“Pfft, listen to you! Maybe we should swap seats? Nah, too much work. I think you’re putting up a buffer because you feel slighted. How close am I?”

“Not too far off. More like I feel like I should have either been let off or thrown in a cell. Not that Celestia would have the right case. One of her reasons sounded more like an excuse to me.”

“Well, lets put it this way. Say you’re a carpenter, and you’re working on a project. You’ve been building a series of golems made from wood, and they in turn have been helping you build a house. You with me so far?”

“Yeah, though if I had a bunch of wood golems, I’d do something more interesting than build a house.”

“And when did I say it was an ordinary house? If you’re building animate golems, you’re probably able to build a house with a ton of magic in it. Now, back to the narrative. You’re making your amazing house, and you’ve gotten it more or less how you’ll want it to be. All that’s left is making sure there’s no termites or carpenter ants or jigsaw ants.”

The counselor pauses for dramatic effect. “And just when you find there’s a particularly dangerous nest of jigsaw ants getting ready to take your beautiful house apart at the seams, a metal golem appears and destroys the nest. Wipes them all out, saving your house. Saving your dear, precious golems you’ve put so much time and effort into.”

“Yet, when you go to ask about the golem’s intentions, it then proceeds to go break your fine glassware, scuff all your furniture, and tilt every picture in the house at a twelve-degree angle. But, every time a new nest of jigsaw ants appears, it takes care of the problem. Sometimes by taking your favorite chair and smashing it over the colony until there’s nothing left of either, and sometimes without so much wanton, messy violence. Now tell me, what do you do about the metal golem? You can’t damage it; it’s too tough for you to simply reprimand. You can’t send it back; you’ve no idea where it came from! And you can’t simply destroy it; what would happen the next time an ant colony tries to devour everything you’ve made? What do you do?”

I take a moment to ponder his story. “From your analogies, I’m the steel golem, and Celestia is the carpenter. I assume that the wood golems are her subjects or her guards or whatever. Anyway, that was long winded and way off the point I was going to make. The point was that one of her reasons was inaccurate.”

“Oh? Do tell, I’m listening.” The sound of fabric rustling came from the other side of the chair.

“I’m here because I assaulted a thief for stealing. I tell Celestia that although the criminal was not taken in for his crime and that he got away, I did return what he stole. Celestia said I didn’t stop the crime at all. So stealing isn’t a crime here? If that is so, then I attacked a random passerby and someone was calling for help from a total innocent.”

“So you assaulted someone on the account of a random passerby in Canterlot? You do realize they call the guards on each other for not introducing themselves properly, right? It’s some sort of ‘fashion statement’ or some nonsense like that.”

“And that’s their problem. He definitely had a bag, and the screaming mare was a shopkeeper. Surprise surprise, he was even dressed like a thief, badly, but still dressed as such. I return the stolen object, and am told I did not stop the crime. For this, I call Celestia a liar, as she was given the information that the stolen property was returned.”

“Ah, this may be a culture thing. Where you come from, if the stolen goods are returned before capture by a guard -or their equivalent- would the criminal be forgiven?”

“Heck no, he’d get thrown in a cell, but that was still the only crime, and to say that returning the stolen goods, as the criminal did not succeed in his endeavor, is not stopping the crime...”

“Is entirely accurate, according to Equestrian law-”

“Celestia made up some bullshit just to punish me!”

“No, it sounds more that you don’t know the full extent of the laws you’re dealing with. Perhaps I could be of more help to you with learning Equestria’s national laws, and perhaps look up some related to Canterlot in particular.”

“Don’t bother. If this is how I get treated for helping others, then they can solve their own problems. I don’t want to do community service every damn time I try to help ponies. Heck, the way I see it, that is community service, as I’m not even getting paid for it!”

“Actually, that’s volunteer services, technically. I think the problem you’re facing is how you’re seeking to stop problems. From what I’ve been told, you mainly hit them, burn them, or electrocute them until they stop being problems.”

“Yeah, because nothing makes someone decide not to do something again like pain.”

“Ah, so you’re of the opinion that corporal punishment is the way to go.”

“Well, yeah. If they end up never doing it again, then the problem is solved for good and there will be one less problem to worry about. If that’s the end result, so what if I break a leg or cause a few contusions?”

“You likely don’t know this, so I’ll tell you; unlike pegasi wings, earth pony hooves, and unicorn horns, leg bones don’t heal. there’s too many thaumocytic glands, they can’t be set by magic as a result. Ordinary splints will only get you so far. My own legs are a good example; I can’t move faster than a hobble.”

“And I assume that’s stopped any thoughts of yourself being able to get away with anything illegal. Unless you can name one pony who’s made a name for himself as a criminal despite being severely crippled, I’d say that falls under the case of ‘not doing it again.’ so my reasoning still sta-”

“A century ago, Celestia had to burn Rook out of Hay City, and had to take half the city with it. Rook was a unicorn who lost her legs and decided to begin taking the legs of others to share in her misery. To put it bluntly, she wrecked a city and left a generation unable to walk or do manual labor. She’ll be remembered in school textbooks long after the current bearers of the Elements have faded from memory.”

“Good for her. So find her, and throw her into a prison until she dies.”

“You didn’t hear me. Celestia burned her out of the city. As in, called down the wrath of the sun, and melted half the city into a molten pool of lava. Rook had taken to using necromancy to ‘reincarnate’ out of a foal’s body.”

“So necromancy is now evil?”

“Mainly when it’s used to torture and destroy, like any other path of magic. What, did you think the Path of Life can’t be used for harm?”

“With a name like that, I’d say it would be one of the best for causing harm.”

“And using it as such is illegal, just like using necromancy to cause yourself to burst out of a young child’s rib cage when you’re killed somewhere else. Usually killing the poor child if Rook wasn’t feeling angry at the time.”

“Alright, enough of the history lesson. She wasn’t given a sentence most criminals get for trying to keep the peace.”

“There are no criminals who keep the peace-”

“And yet that’s what I attempted, and suddenly, I am sentenced with com-”

“If you interrupt me again, I’m just going to send back a note saying you’re never going to redeem yourself. With how powerful you are, that’s a one-way trip to either Tartarus or becoming a pigeon toilet in the Canterlot Gardens. It’s not all preserved heroes out there, you know.”

“Yeah, great. I can stop the Elements of Harmony without lifting a finger. Seriously, are you gonna keep doing this until I agree that I’m a bad person for trying to help?”

“No, I’m trying to get you to understand I don’t like being interrupted. If you’re going to be a pile of road-apples, then I’m not going to keep playing bottom line for you. The usual result of someone assaulting someone else is being immediately exiled. It used to be through the Lookinglass Gates, but with so many missing or leading who-knows-where now...” he cleared his throat. “Besides, you may be able to stop the Elements normally but I was informed you’re currently powerless. Do you think you could do anything about them now?”

I narrow my eyes at the back of his chair. “The thief called me weak. Guess what happened to him. Whether death awaits me or not, how about rephrasing that statement before I get mad?”

“Maybe you should come fight me like you can actually do something without your super-crutches, cripple.” Owch, coming from the pony who said his legs are permanently broken?

“Alright.” I get up and go to give him a slap across the face. I round the chair facing away from me, and get a hoof in the face. Hard.

Sitting up, I rub my face. “Not bad for someone who says they can’t even run.”

The pony rolls out of the chair, and I see his body is toned, but not muscular. He’s also a pretty normal size, not beefy like Big Mac. Then, he does something crazy. He stands up.

Chapter 115

“Now, I believe you may be in need of a bit of understanding that violence hurts.” The pony says, surprisingly steady in his upright posture.

No matter, I’m still a decent foot and a half taller standing up, even with a bit of a slouch. “Listen, I don’t think you really want to fight me. Besides, my power-outage is on a time limit. It could come back in two seconds for all we know. Would you risk it?”

Apparently unconcerned, the unicorn speaks again. “Did you know that the Minotaurs have a specific type of martial art developed for quadrupeds like me to fight bipeds like them - and yourself?”

“I hardly see how that matters. If you want a fight, are you prepared to, knowing that it’s possible that I will be able to go completely intangible and roast you like a pig on a spit?”

“You know, some seek enlightenment through reading, or meditation. I think you’re more like a griffon.” The pony says. “Too thick to learn any way but having it beaten into your skull.”

“But I’m not a griffon. Though that raises an interesting point. So far, everyone, even Celestia herself, seems to think I should act like a pony despite clearly being something entirely different.”

“That seems rather silly. From the way you act, speak, and react, I’ve already figured out you’d do better in a Griffon eyrie. Less culture clash.”

I think about that for a bit. “You know... you really are the first pony to suggest an alternative than try and force me to fit in with everybody else...”

“Manehattan has eleven different species and more than a hundred confirmed separate cultures present in it. Being a resident, let alone a guidance counselor, here requires a wider view than is present in rural Equestria. Can you honestly say that your own home has diverse and understanding peoples in every single backwater city and major place of politics? Because I’ve always found those have the worst cases of neophobia.”

“Well, Ponyville isn’t that bad, but Canterlot... I’m pretty much a freak unless some paparazzi wants to snap my picture and apply some bullshit tabloid.”

“Oh, you should give an exclusive to a reputable paper. The Neigh York Times fires ponies who try the tabloid approach. Celestia’s attempts at fixing the society she’s built are, ironically, the weakest in her seat of power, and gain strength the farther from her they get.”

“Interesting. As for that exclusive... I might just do that.” I return to my seat, and the counselor does the same. “So, given you are not as narrow sighted as most ponies I know... if you were going to diagnose me with something, what would it be?”

“In essence? Exactly what I was trying to escape; you’ve got some pretty severe cabin fever. You’re holding to your powers as something to make you powerful, but there’s so little you should do, in spite of all you can do. You need to take some time for not being special. You’ve been more or less continuously in the spotlight for... how many years now? Two? Three? I think you need some time just being either yourself, or utterly anonymous. Probably the latter, because the former is contraindicated to actually being out of the spotlight.”

The counselor, his chair now facing me, stops and puts on an expression of deep thought. “One more thing, and I’m sorry I need to ask this... when was the last time you had sexual release?”

Oh man... “I uh.... I’m a virgin.”

“Heh, I’m including ‘helping yourself along’ in this question. And don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone about your status.”

“Well, uh... I never really had my own room for a while, and once I did have it, I... haven’t really at all. I always figure as soon as I take some serious time for myself some major thing is gonna happen, and I don’t exactly want to go saving towns from monsters with a... er... ‘monster’.”

“Well, that’s certainly one of your problems. Is there anyone you’re maybe possibly interested in? Because you need to fix this sometime in the near future. Nearer is better, in fact. I can’t speak for your star-ness, but I can conclusively state that not getting that release can make you irritable, agitated, and generally more dangerous. There’s a reason the prohibition on prostitution never stuck.”

“Well, there are two candidates... but they’re my friends! I don’t want to sound like a pervert who only wants to be friends with either of them because I can get laid! What if it screws up our friendship? They’re the only ones I can really relate to around here!”

“Well, it’s either that or you worry about beginning to spontaneously have ‘monsters’ at the least opportune times. I mean it when I say least opportune, because fate likes to mess with males that way.”

“But I can’t just walk up to one of them and say ‘Hi, the counselor said I need to get laid, let’s fuck!’. One of them would end up a statue, and the other is likely to turn me into a statue!”

The pony just stares at me for several seconds, brow furrowing further and further.

“See my problem? Frankly, I’m not against the idea, but my options are rather limited. I wouldn’t mind in the slightest if either of them wanted to, but...”

“By statue, what exactly did you mean?”

“Anne would end up having her body transmute into solid metal due to embarrassment, and Myrna can petrify someone with her eyes if she’s irritated or shocked.”

The brows furrow even further, threatening to meet in the middle.

“It really is a problem, I know. I’ve been trying to get started in a relationship with one of them, but I don’t want to pick one and have the other girl feel ignored...”

“Why not just court both?”

“Polygamy isn’t exactly... supported in human culture.”

The brows meet.  I figure if we actually want to get anywhere with this session, I should try to fix our relationship. “Hey doc, I know I’ve been a prick this whole time, but let’s just say that I’ve had bad experiences making friends with my counselors... how about we start over?”

He looks up at me, distracted from his thoughts. I mentally push the restart button and hold out my hand. “Hi, I’m Anthony.”

The pony reaches out with a hoof, and places it in my hand, then shakes. “And I’m Double Fluke, well-known guidance and reformation counselor. Also, I’m a fifth-grade black sleeve in at least eight martial arts, none of them pony styles. Can’t use six of them anymore, but oh well.”

I grin. “Heh, aren’t I supposed to be the braggart here?”

“Bragging? No, bragging would be saying I won fourteen national tournaments in the Griffon Imperial States by the time I was thirty, and that I’ve had six years in the Royal Wardens before my incident.” he flashes me a cocky smile.

“Heh, and they post the local freak in the papers for ages? I’ll never understand journalism.”

“It’s mostly the tabloids. Besides, only six years? My instructor there had already been in for forty.”

“Alright alright enough story time. We need to come up with some solutions. Like what to do next. And what about staying anonymous? That’s a problem in itself if I’m really needed, I can’t just put on a mask and expect people to not notice.”

“Hmmm, if we bulked you up... well, if we bulked you up a lot, you might be able to be passed for a minotaur. You’re about the right size. As for future sessions... I think we can arrange something with a gym or other place for you to work off your aggression without hurting anyone.” he ‘hmm’s to himself, still thinking. “You might want to look into a martial art; the outlet and meditation could help. As well, we can find you someone just for a night, if only to relieve that tension...”

I shudder, and shake my head. “Absolutely not! I’m not going to screw a pony, no matter what.”

“Oh, fine, we’ll find you a griffon, then. They usually charge more, so I might have to see about this being swung as a medical expense...”

Oh geez, a medical expense? “Please tell me the results of this will be... kept off the records?”

“Well, it’ll be in my case logs, but it won’t be vulgar, I promise,” he reassures me.

“Thanks, I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m... available, despite being single. I’ve been trying to stop such advances for a while now.”

“You have? Hmm... have you taken a vow of celibacy, or is it just mild xenophobia?” He seems to be asking that seriously...

“Let’s put it this way: Sentient partner or not, me doing anything of the sort with anything but a human would be considered bestiality, which is treated very severely.”

The brows begin to furrow again. “Uhm... not really. That’s sort of reserved for non-sapient creatures, such as dogs, cats, chickens, cloud-kraken, and the like. Though the krakens are debatably non-sapient.”

“Well it’s more of a human thing. You guys as ponies, bovine-like, or bird-like races are... you guys are livestock to us! You aren’t sentient where I come from. People have been killed via stoning for doing things like this!”

“Ah... well, we’ll have to see about breaking some of those aversions. I fear you may be subconsciously changing that aversion to aggression, judging by the rather... permanent way you tried to deal with the thief. One thing I would strongly recommend after your time here is up: go to a griffon eyrie and spend some time there. Don’t use your powers if you have them by then, and try to be yourself there.”

“Alright. And actually... well, there’s a unicorn I know that could turn some other species into a human... assuming I don’t know what their species origin is, I never know who they are and never meet them again...”

“I, er, suppose that’s a possibility. Are you sure those two friends of yours aren’t up for a group thing? It might help the three of you bond better. Sex usually does.”

I honestly have to think about that. The thought isn’t bad... “Well, I’ll try it, but if it doesn’t work out, then we’ll have to go to plan B.”

“Alright. Well, I suppose that’s everything I can think of at this point. You’ll be scheduled to meet with me at least twice, if not three times a week. Once your community service here is done, you may feel free to contact me at any time, though the mail can be a touch slow around here.”

“Okay, so my to-do list involves me trying to get laid by my human friends, and going to the gym. Great. So... where do I go from here? What am I supposed to actually do for community service?”

“Ask the guards, they’ll have your orders.”

“Alright, I guess I’ll see you later then. Bye Fluke.” I get up and leave his office after he voices his farewell. I’m leaving the building, and thinking about how to make all this happen. And I wonder if what happened with all my other counselors will happen again. I hope not.

Chapter 116

After four days, I plopped down in Double Fluke’s comfy patient couch for our meeting, and was asked to regale him with what had happened during my first bout with community service, and living in Manehattan for the duration of that service. I’m fine with that, it’s giving me a chance to rest my aching legs.

“So most of the tasks I’m doing are really just simple basic things. Lifting, carrying, pulling, that kind of stuff. One thing I find weird is how many tools you guys have designed that you don’t really have the muscle structure for.”

“Many of them are actually adaptations of minotaur tools. In my journeys around the world, I’ve come to the conclusion that most ponies in charge are usually fairly poor innovators, but extremely keen to use effective designs without altering them.”

“But... if you’re going to adopt a tool made by bipeds, to be used by quadrupeds, wouldn’t you want to alter it more rather than less?”

“Shush you! Speaking logically in regards to the decisions of our glorious noble overlords.” Fluke grins at me.

“Seriously? Sure not all of you are stupid, but ponies make some pretty dumb decisions. On top of that, you treat higher-ups like they aren’t just in higher position, but like higher beings assuming most nobles get treated like the princesses do.”

“Well, it does help the princesses’ case that they can command forces that would otherwise require the concerted efforts of the entire unicorn race. As for the rest... it’s my professional opinion that ponies are still herd animals, just like minotaurs. Griffons are more solitary and family-oriented, but ponies usually seek to follow those who show themselves to be powerful. It helped us survive before the creation of fire, but I don’t think it’s particularly helpful anymore. I’m sure humanity has several such genetic throwback issues you cope with regularly.”

“Yeah, like the age of sexual consent is, like fourteen naturally, but since we’ve artificially extended our lifespans as a species, we’ve decided that it should be eightteen, fuck nature, we make our own laws! It... doesn’t go well sometimes.”

“Well, there you have it. We’re all mammals of some kind here. Anyways, more about your time doing community service.”

“Well, apparently your fancy magic doesn’t help when it comes to basic machinery like screws. Seriously, I can do more with ten digits...” I hold up my hands and wiggle my fingers. “Than most of you guys can do by using the mystical powers of the world around you. Why is that?”

“Most unicorns can only move one thing at a time with their telekinesis. It’s a very difficult and draining task to move more than one, unless a pony’s special talent specifically calls for it, like a juggler’s.”

“Wait... wouldn’t using telekinesis for juggling be cheating? It’s not really that great of a spectacle if you can’t drop the balls or pins or flaming chainsaws.”

“No, because getting them to arc right would be nearly impossible when juggling more than two objects, even with a talent for it. An old saying among unicorns, though it actually refers to illusion magic, is that ‘reality is much easier to manipulate than deception’.”

“Well yeah, but... eh forget it. Your magic is weird. It’s interesting, but it just doesn’t make much sense to me sometimes. I just can’t wait to get my powers back. I could do a lot more good with my talents.”

“Everyone who has had their abilities taken from will wish them back, with only a few exceptions. Anyways, back to describing your week. You seem to get distracted very easily, and it’s getting me distracted.”

“Maybe because my week was boring and there’s not much to talk about? Seriously. I could tell you about how I put some screws into a clock, then put some more screws into another clock, then used this awkward-for-any-quadruped pulley system to move tools for some new skyscraper that’s going up. I’m sure this is quite the thrilling tale.”

“Alright, and how did your interactions with the other workers go?”

I sighed, and told him the truth - not much interaction at all. Maybe it’s simply due to the difference in local population, but most of the ponies and such working in either place really didn’t care who or what I was, they just wanted to get their work done and leave. Not that different from humans, but still, I was just another guy on the workforce. “Besides, didn’t you say I should try to be more anonymous?”

“Yes, and that’s good. However, you should try to make some friends here, if you can. It’s alright not to, though.”

“So really there isn’t much happening. Though I was thinking about your suggestions. I don’t know where I’d find a gym or some place with an exercise room. You guys have a Gold’s Gym around here or something?”

“No, but there is a local gym I can get you enrolled in. I actually attend there myself.”

“So seeing as how I was given the most boring sentence in history and have nothing interesting to mention, do we just go check the gym out now?”

“Yes, that works for me. I assume you have nothing to share with me for now?”

“Well, I do end up getting the usual uninterpretable looks from ponies who just see me as they pass by. I’m not sure if most of them are shocked, want my autograph, or just think I’m a shaved Diamond Dog or something.”

“They’re more likely to think of a wussy minotaur. Seriously, they’re not much taller than you on average, and they’re usually about as wide, too. No fat, either, they have a terribly hard time gaining any.”

“Alright, enough chat, I’m getting bored. Let’s just head to this gym and see what they got for me to do.” Fluke doesn’t say another word until he’s out of his office, leading the way and motioning to the guards to follow. His only speech is to tell them where he and I are going.

Back down the stairs and down a few blocks as well, Fluke leads me and the guards into a not-very-nice-looking place, though that’s only a facade on the outside. Inside, a fairly normal, if dusty, gym stands in use with what is easily identifiable as a minotaur bench-pressing two separate sets of weights, one in each hand. On another exercise machine, a pair of griffons are cheering or egging on a third, who is currently doing push ups... with its wings. That just looks painful.

“So, I’m just going to try and build some muscle and attempt to pass myself off as a minotaur when I do my hero thing... I’ve only ever really done any of this stuff in high school, and I barely paid attention anyway. What do I actually need to do?”

I feel a sudden impact on my shoulder, and see a hand the size of my head clapped on said shoulder. I don’t quite tip over, but the owner of the hand speaks in a booming, heavy voice behind me. “It is perfect you have found your way here, for you sound as one who needs to learn the ways of strength, both inner and outer.”

“Eh... mainly outer. I’m not terribly hurting in the ‘inner power’ category.”

“I speak of finding one’s balance, for only when you can calm your tempest can you truly harness your full potential.”

“Whatever you say, Minoyagi. Let’s just get started.”

“My name is not Minoyagi, but if it helps you to call me that, you are permitted to do so. Now, allow me to instruct you in the art of using the equipment in this room!” the minotaur suddenly leaps from where he stood next to me, and collides with a seated rower, landing perfectly on it. I realize that this minotaur is easily a half-foot taller than me, and he could probably juggle me with his pecs if he put his mind to it.

“Alright then.” I get seated in another rowing machine next to his. “I’m going to assume this is basically the same idea as a stationary bike, but a boat?”

The minotaur demonstrates that yes, that is more or less it. “This trains the muscles of the chest, giving unto them more bulk, but also increasing flexibility.”

I begin mimicking his motions, feeling a strong pull of resistance at first. As I build a rhythm, though, the resistance seems to melt away, though it comes back if I slow down. This results in a constant need for consistent repetitive motion, which I find rather boring. But supposedly I’m making progress, so I keep at it.

“Alright, you’ve done one-hundred reps,” he boomed, just as my arms started to feel like they’re on fire. And not the ‘stellar-power’ kind of on fire. “A one-minute break, then on to the next machine! This light warm-up was to make sure you do not strain yourself while doing some real work.”

“Great. I can’t wait.” I say, not really trying to hide my sarcasm. I recall the jocks at school saying this is a way to make you feel super tough. Right now I feel slightly weakened and rather bored.

“That is the spirit! Now, for the next exercise, you will be doing crunches, and reciting the ancient poems inscribed on the wall you will be facing! It is an exercise of body and mind, and will help your energy flow.”

“I just have to wait a few hours or maybe a few days and my ‘energy’ will start ‘flowing’ on it’s own, thank you very much.” The minotaur gives me a look. “Seriously, I’m just here to build up some muscle. I’m plenty strong for what I need to do, I just need to beef up so I can cosplay as one of you guys so I can do my hero thing and stay out of the tabloids. That’s it.”

“Strength is found not in the arm, but in the heart and soul.”

“Except I don’t need that strength. I just need muscles. Heck, I’d get some inflatable biceps or something if I didn’t know that fighting in them would be really awkward and end up with my face in the dirt.”

The minotaur looks at me for several seconds, then snorts derisively and walks away.

I turn to Fluke. “And that’s a perfect example of ‘right lesson, wrong student’.” The unicorn rolls his eyes and walks past me, heading towards... a boxing ring?

“What, you wanna spar for a bit? Try and kick my ass so you can teach me a lesson? That doesn’t exactly work since I already know I’d lose.”

“No, I’m going to go practice some of my mixed-arts, since the point of coming here is to grow, not just gain muscles.” He gives me a meaningful look I don’t understand, and then hops into the ring. Another pony hops in from the other side.

I figure there’s not much else to do, so I decide to watch this. Seriously, I don’t need any strength in my ‘spirit’ or anything, I’ve got more than enough willpower as it is.

The two ponies square off, and nod to each other; I’m guessing it’s a variant of a bow. Then, Fluke stands up, and the two move. And I mean move; the two ponies are practically blurring, and I can hear things hitting each other. Every now and then, I see a flash of a spread wing from the other pony, and the occasional pulse of magic from Fluke, but I can’t actually see what the heck is going on.

Interesting. But I guess it’s not that impressive, when there’s practically no feasible limit to the usage of magic... except for dexterity.

I catch a glimpse of one of the two combatants falling backwards, then the scene goes still as the other pony is straddling Fluke with a wing pressed against the unicorn’s neck. They are both panting a bit.

“Not bad. Certainly interesting to watch, but I’m still not entirely impressed. Seriously, the point of me coming here was to beef up so I can disguise myself. Something that I honestly see no point in but you say I should for some reason.”

After the two ponies get to their hooves and bow, Fluke turns to me. “You seem to have a terrible memory. I said you should come to the gym in order to work on your emotional state. You said you wanted to bulk up to pass as a minotaur.”

“Fine then, how about you actually have me use a punching bag or something? Pushing and pulling doesn’t help relieve aggression, hitting things does.”

“A punching bag? I’ve never heard of one of those, though the name certainly seems encompassing. As for the motion, you’re supposed to try falling into a rhythm and meditate that way.” He pauses for a moment. “Or, you can try learning martial arts, though the beginning is learning patience.”

“A punching bag is a a large pouch of some kind filled with sand or whatever. You hang it from a ceiling and hit it until you don’t want to hit it anymore. Also, I’ve tried martial arts before. Taekwondo specifically. Meditation isn’t exactly my thing.”

“Well, you’re going to need to work on your aggression in a constructive way. It’ll make life more difficult for you in the long run not to. If you’re not going to actually benefit from the gym, we can try to find something else to fill your evenings.”

“Like what? Seriously, if the point is to have me not hit others, why not just give me something inanimate to hit instead? It’s worked fine for plenty of humans in the past. You want to be violent? Fine, be violent to something that doesn’t feel pain and get your anger out.”

“Well, we’ll need to get one of those made. Most minotaurs and griffons I know of do that sort of thing to concrete or wooden posts.”

“Yeah, the purpose of it being sand in a bag hanging from the ceiling is so that you can hit it and it’ll actually give without breaking. It can be used to simulate something that does feel pain. Just stick a picture of someone you hate on it, and punch it until you’re done. You just did the equivalent of physically pummeling someone you dislike, without hurting anyone at all.”

Fluke heaves a sigh. “Doesn’t really deal with the aggression, though. Still, if you think it will help, then I’ll see what I can do. For now, I suppose you should find something to do, though I guess your guards could simply escort you back to wherever you’re staying for now.”

“Yeah. Like I said with the minotaur. You have some good lessons and you’re saying the right things... just to the wrong person.” With that, I leave and wait for the guards to finish their little conversation outside before they take me to the little... well I wouldn’t call it a cell, there are no bars or anything, but once inside I’m not allowed to leave without permission and there’s nothing in the place but a bed.

I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for... I can’t tell. There’s a window obviously, but I’ve never been good at sun reading. Especially when supposedly there’s someone out there telling it when and how to move. Makes predictions hard.

The day ends, and I sigh, wishing this place made more sense. Maybe I just have the wrong point of view, but it’s not going to change. This is fucking High School all over again. Celestia’s still gonna be a bitch, and I’m still gonna be the kid no teacher likes to teach because they don’t have the right method, so they blame it on me. Next time I see Celestia, I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind. Not like I have anything to lose.

Chapter 117

I wake up and I prepare for another boring day. Seriously, there’s nothing going on, and I’m just used for manual labor because these ponies can’t design tools they can actually use. I’m told that today I’m going to be working the construction site again. Joy, more pulling things moving things, I’m bored already.

I’m back on the tower, and doing the usual thing. Hammering pegs, lifting things, just being ‘useful’ in general. I’m getting tired of this, mainly because sometimes I have to wait on others to finish what they’re doing first. I just wanna go back to Ponyville and... I dunno, do something not this.

I continue my labor and after a while I just want to get this done so I just end up doing pretty much everyone’s job for them and it actually does go faster.  Seriously, these guys are slow as bricks, dumb as them, and they just keep looking at me like I’m some kind of alien just because I can do their job better than them.

After a bit, I’ve done a whole days work in three hours and I’m feeling a bit more wiped out than usual, but hey, I made progress. The other workers are still looking at me funny and talking amongst themselves. Then I see some guy struggling with a large I-beam... on his back. I sigh and walk up to him.

“Hey, rather than carrying something heavy, why don’t you just let someone better do it?” He turns around and almost hits me with the I-beam. “Come on, I don’t have all day.”

Another worker comes up to me. “Hey, uh... we need a spot welder, do you think you could do that for a bit?” I shrug.

“Sure, where’s the blowtorch?” At this, the worker looks confused. Right, they use magic for all this. I sigh. “Sorry, but I can’t really help you then.”

“But... we thought you could shoot fire.”

“Oh sure, let me just turn my powers back on and help you with your menial-” Suddenly I am on fire. “Woah! When...”

“You’ve been glowing for the last few hours...” I give him a rather peeved look. “We uh, figured you knew and uh... didn’t wanna get in the way.”

“Well then in that case, I’m gonna see you chumps later.” I climb my way down the unfinished structure and am about to leave the construction site when I’m stopped by the guards. “Your sentence is not over yet. You can’t leave.”

“Oh come on, I have my powers back! I’m bored!” The head guard gives me a look and I just return to my tasks. That said, I actually can do some spot-welding, and I am a much greater help in general with my powers back, just as I predicted. Soon the day is done and I made a lot of progress. Apparently, just a few more days of this and I can go home. At least I have something to look forward to.

“So, this is looking to be our last session, Anthony. You’ve got your powers back, and the gym even sent you a second punching bag to keep for yourself. I do hope you’ll stay in touch.” Fluke looks rather sad, giving a wry smile.

“Well let’s see, you guys don’t have phones, e-mail, instant messaging, and as far as I’m aware, not even carrier pigeons. Likelihood of that is probably slim.”

“You could send me letters, like most people.”

“Yeah, I guess. Seriously though, with the way you’ve integrated magic into technology, how come you don’t have telephones yet? Seriously, instant long-distance communication is probably the quickest way to keep tabs on what’s going on in the world.”

“Honestly, the idea has been passed around several times. However, the problem is that whoever starts it would become very rich... and would take away from several high-noble’s trade in dragonfire candles. They’ve rather cornered the market on it, though Nikolta Tesla keeps pushing.”

As in... this world’s version of Nikola Tesla? Damn. Better give some advice. “If this Nikolta guy is anything like I expect; listen to him. Listen to him well.”

“The problem is that he’s certifiably insane. His inventions and spells may work, but the nobles have been sitting on him for nearly a decade now; I only know him because I’m his counselor.”

“Well, sometimes it’s the crazies who have the right ideas. Sometimes, you need a weirdo to get all the sheep out of a rut.”

“... I’m going to assume that phrase makes sense to you. However, there’s really nothing I can do. He’s a brilliant pony, especially for an earth pony, but it’s very difficult for me to help him. However, this meeting is supposed to be about you.”

I grin. “Shouldn’t everything be all about me?”

Fluke laughs. “Ah, no. Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone I know of who is important enough to have everything revolve around them.”

“Eh, if you say so. Anyway, I guess when I get back to Ponyville I’ll hang out there for a while and then move on to finding one of those griffon places to try out. Should be interesting. Especially since I can’t fly.”

“Well, you could always go to Chickago. It’s a fairly large eyrie, and it has ground-access thanks to a well-established pony population. You should be fine.”

“Do you guys have any names that aren’t puns?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

I sigh. “Yeah, I know. That’s kinda the problem. Anyway, I guess I’m leaving. Actually, before I go, do you know how I could get a little sit-down with some people in the New York Times? I really would like to give everyone my story rather than have them read a magazine and think I’m boning one of the princesses.”

“Neigh York, but yes. I’ll write a letter; they’ll probably arrive in Ponyville for the exclusive in a week or so. I wish you well, Anthony.”

I nod and we wrap up our session. When I leave the building, I’m escorted to the train station and the guards get off at Canterlot to return to Luna while I stay on for the trip to Ponyville. When I finally get back and I’m off the train, a large projectile and four smaller projectiles slam into my body and knock me to the ground in a big hug. I guess Pinkie and the CMC missed me.

I explain I’m tired and that I’ll chat with them tomorrow. Right now, I just wanna rest. I walk into the library and Twilight gives me a quick ‘welcome back’ before returning to her book. I walk up to my room and lay down on my bed. It really is good to be back. Just gonna sleep...

When I get up the sun is rising, but still morning. Unless she changed her habits, Twilight should still be asleep, which means I have some time to prepare.

“Twiliiiiiight...” No response. “Oh Twiiiiiiiliiiiiight.” She grunts.

Perfect, on to the fun part. I give her a classic, good ol’ bitch-slap across the face. “Wake up!”

That got her attention. “Ow! Hey! What- Augh!” Now that she’s awake, she realizes she’s tied up in some rope attached to the ceiling of the library. “What the hay Anthony!? What’s going on, why am I upside-down? Why did you slap me?”

Just the response I wanted. “Wellllll...” I grin evilly. “That was because you’re a heavy sleeper.”

“What? But-”

I give her another slap. “This is for turning me into a pony.”

*slap* “This is because you kicked me in the nuts that one time.”

*slap* “This is because your science is crappy.”

*slap* “This is because you’re purple.”

*slap* “This is because you’re a little bitch.”

*slap* “This is because I feel like it.”

*slap* “This is because you’re making funny noises.”

*slap* “This is because I like slapping things with this hand.”

*slap* “This is because I find this mildly arousing.”

*slap* “This is because I find it funny.”

*slap* “This is because you’re bruising, wimp!”

*slap* “This is because I wanna see how long I can keep it up.”

*slap* “This is because your face is squishy.”

*slap* “This is because you can’t dodge it.”

*slap* “This is because nobody came to my dance recital!”

*slap* “This is for all the furry midgets in the world.”

*slap* “This is because I’m running out of excuses.”

*slap* “This is because I’m not bored yet.”

*slap* “This is because I’m a dick.”

*slap* “This. Is. Spar-taaa!”

*slap* “This is because nobody’s stopping me.”

*slap* “This is for Jesus.”

*slap* “This is because I’m starting to get bored.”

*slap* “This is because the game I’m referencing isn’t on Steam.”

I keep going, but eventually I get tired so I untie Twilight. She drops to the ground badly bruised and crying quietly. I feel a little bad, but she did break the agreement of no spells on me without telling me first. And she turned me into a pony!

She looks up at me like a kicked puppy and... I actually feel kinda bad. But she deserves it! Well, maybe I went a little far... but she’d done plenty of stuff before the forced transformation. I move to lift her up, and she flinches away from me but I grab her before she can actually retreat. Once I’m holding her, I take her back to her room and put her in her bed. “I consider us even for now. I’d advise that you be a good student and learn your lesson.”

The dazed and beaten Twilight just nods and pulls the covers over her head. My work here is done.

Well, I have nothing else to do, so I head over to Sugarcube Corner. When I get there, I feel like having a different kind of treat than I usually get. Pinkie Pie is talking to some ponies and hands them their orders. When she’s done with that, she comes over to me. “Hiya Anthony, it’s been a little quiet around here while you were gone! You here for a snack or do you wanna chat for a bit? Today’s kinda slow.”

“I’ll have a snow cone.”

“A what?”

“You’ve... never heard of snow cones before?”

“Nope, there’s usually not much to do with snow besides play in it. Well, sometimes ponies eat it but it’s not-”

“It’s not real snow. Would you like me to make one for you?”

Pinkie’s eyes go wide and she gasps. “That would be super-duper! Come on, the kitchen is this way!” She drags me to the back and she pulls out a notepad. “So what do we need?”

I think for a bit. “Hmmm... for just basics... ice cubes. That’s a good start.”

Pinkie walks to a large fridge and pulls out a small bag of ice. “Will this do?”

“Sure, now a blender. We need to chop up the ice.”

With a quick “Gotcha!” Pinkie pulls out a blender from a cabinet and hands me the bag of ice. I pour the ice in and use the blender to grind it up until the ice is just a flurry of small, hard,  ice crystals. I get the ‘snow’ out with an ice cream scoop and mash it together into a hard-packed ball. Putting it in a cup, I continue with the next ingredient.

“Now we need some fruit syrup.”

“What kind of fruit?”

“Hmmmm... you got any lemons? Wait, this is a baker-”

“Here you go!” She’s holding up a bunch of lemons and a lemon squeezer.

“Thanks.” I just stop questioning her, for the sake of my sanity. I squeeze all the juice I can out of the lemons and once I have half a pitcherful, it’s time to make it into syrup... somehow.

Pinkie and I think for a bit, and she gets an idea. “How about we add a buncha sugar? The lemon is kinda sour, so it wouldn’t be too sweet and the sugar will make it thick.”

I think for a bit and, not having any better ideas, we decide to do just that. Pinkie pours about four cups of sugar into the pitcher and starts mixing it up. Once it’s fairly thick, I pass Pinkie a small cup with a ‘snowball’ in it and I pour the lemon syrup into it. Pinkie watches curiously as the syrup is absorbed by the ice and mixes together.

“Go ahead.” I say. “Eat the yellow snow!” Pinkie looks at me with an amused “eeeew” face, and swallows the entire snow cone in one gulp.

“That was good!” I make one for myself and it’s a bit sweeter than I expected, but she’s right that it’s good. Pinkie then gets her ‘idea’ face. “We should totally make more of these and serve them! I gotta show the Cakes! Be right back!” In her usual blur, Pinkie rushes out and returns with said bakers in tow.

“Pinkie Pie said you had something to show us... I think?” Mr. Cake looked at me expectantly, as did his wife.

I make two more of the treats and hand them to the Cakes who give my creation a cautious taste test. They look at each other for a bit, and Mrs. Cake speaks up. “And uh... what did you say this is called?”

“A snow cone. It’s literally just crushed ice and thick, sweet fruit juice. I’m surprised you haven’t thought of it.”

“To be honest, so are we... it might be because ice being used as an ingredient and not just to keep things cool is... uncommon.”

“But you like it, don’t you?” Pinkie looks at her landlords hopefully.

“Yes, it’s certainly good but...” Mr. Cake scrunches his face up. “I’m not sure if we’d be able to put this on the menu. Ice is only really easy to get if you live up north or on a mountain, so it’s usually just made into ice cream when ponies get it.”

I shrug. “So make it a promotional stunt. Sugarcube Corner will offer a special dessert ponykind has never seen before. Sure it will be in limited in supply, but I’m sure it’ll get you an increase in customers for a bit.”

Mrs. Cake thinks for a bit. “Hmmm... well they do seem rather easy to make, and we could always use more business... We’ll sell them for this Tuesday only and see how that goes.”

“Also, Pinkie can advertise. Assuming she can get a notification to at least half of Ponyville...”

Pinkie salutes and grins. “You can count on me, Mr. Cake. Leave it to me!”

“Great!” I say. “I’m actually contributing something. Just don’t forget that if you can get other fruits or berries you can use those too. Raspberry is a rather popular flavor for snow cones.”

“But...” Mr. Cake looks at me oddly. “How do we make syrups out of raspberries without it being too sweet? And if we cook it, that could get rid of some of the flavor...”

“Well to be honest, I have no idea how the syrup is made, really. The idea of adding a ton of sugar to lemon juice was just a random guess that worked out.” I shrug. “Guess lemon will have to do for now, unless you can think of a way to make fruit juice thick enough to use. Or you could just use warm honey.”

Mrs. Cake looks at me a little surprised. “Honey... I never thought of that... Your human food is certainly interesting!”

“Eh, I’ll do what I can to expand the pony cookbook. I don’t even understand the whole hay thing anyway, the stuff’s pretty gross.”

“Well, most ponies find it rather delicious.” Mrs. Cake points out. “But I suppose we can agree to disagree. Thank you for letting us use this special treat of yours.”

“No problem.” I make another snow cone and leave the bakery. Returning to the library, I find Twilight reading a book and nursing her cheek. Her fur may have been a sort of light lavender, but that bruise was purple. Guess I did go a bit overboard. Oh well, make-up time.

“Heya Twi. I got something for you.” I hand her the cup and she takes the ball of ice out with her magic. She then presses it against her cheek and sighs, using it as a numbing agent.

“Uh, you’re supposed to eat it. It’s a human dessert.” Twilight rolls her eyes and levitates the ball up to her mouth and licks it. She gets a rather intrigued look on her face.

“You... made this?”

“Yep. It’s a lemon snow cone. The Cakes are gonna make some more and sell ‘em on Tuesday.”

“Interesting. I’ve never seen ice used like this before. It’s so strange. I kinda like it, thanks!”

“No problem. Think of this as my way of saying you’re forgiven.”

“Why though? I mean, I know you didn’t want to be a pony and all, but I thought you’d like it or something. According to Pinkie, your day wasn’t that bad...” She looked up at me sadly.

“Because I like myself the way I am. It’s true that being a pony isn’t nearly as bad as I previously thought, but you still did it against my will. I can’t cast crazy spells for revenge, so I have to do what I can.”

“Yeah, I did agree to not cast spells on you without you knowing what it does and why.”

“And making sure I’m okay with it being cast in the first place.”

Twilight looks at me curiously. “That wasn’t part of the deal, though!”

"I'm altering the deal. Pray I do not alter it further." I say defiantly. “I figured I didn’t have to make that important, but apparently I do. Sure I was mad that I became a pony, but I got used to it and it’s not completely awful. But that doesn’t change the fact that you messed with me in my sleep.”

“O- okay...” She gives me a hopeful look. “F- friends?”

I take her hoof and shake it. “Until you screw up again, sure.”

Chapter 118

I’ve just finished setting up the white punching bag, and I give it a few swings. Once I’m sure it’s sturdily attached to the ceiling, I start wailing on it, the bag of sand resisting my punches and pushes. I should probably get some more practice with my sword, but I don’t want to ruin the sack so I just continue beating on it. It really is quite cathartic as I expected.

“Hey, you’re back!” I turn towards the voice and I see Myrna slithering in through my window.

“Nice entrance, creep. You don’t watch me while I sleep, do you?”

Myrna puts on an exaggerated look of surprise. “Of course not! ...As far as you know, at least.”

“Perv.” I unhook the punching bag from the ceiling and toss it at her.

She catches it, but lets out an ‘oof’ at the sudden weight. “I’m not a pervert, you just don’t lock your window.” She holds up the bag and seems to be inspecting it. “This is missing something...”

“Oh yeah, whassat?”

She hums, thinking to herself, then slithers downstairs and comes back with one of Twilight’s inkwells. She gets some ink on her finger and draws a pair of ovals on it, leaving a few white spots. She holds up the punching bag to me and I get a better look at it. I don’t know if I should laugh, or facepalm.

I take the Sandbag knockoff and hang it back up. Myrna admires her ‘artwork’ then turns to me. “Got a baseball bat?”

“Myrna, have I told you how much I appreciate how crazy you are?”

“You could probably mention it a bit more, but yes.”

I roll my eyes, grinning. “So I haven’t seen you around much, even if you don’t count how often I’m gone. Whatcha been up to?”

“Mostly? Just dredging up stone. There’s some metal-bearing stone under Ponyville, but it’s never been mined out for fear of collapsing the town. Those Diamond Dogs don’t care about precious metals, and I can just drag up ton-and-a-half cubes of stone and metal without damaging the structure ‘round here.” she smiles and huffs a laugh. “Of course, that’s just a job, and it still takes about eight hours each day to do it. It’s getting shipped everywhere. Did you know aluminum is super-expensive here? And there’s enough here that I’ll be rich, even with just a thirty-percent take of the profits.”

“Thirty? Don’t you do literally all the extraction work?”

“Nah, I’m just hauling it. Most of the work is in getting the metal out of the stone, and then working, and then shaping it, and so on. Apparently, aluminum is called ‘sky-steel’ here, and naturally carries an enchantment for walking on clouds, when made into shoes and stuff.”

“Wait, so it’s just aluminum, but they turn it into shoes and suddenly it’s magic?” I’m dumbfounded by this. “What happens if they make hats?”

“Idunno. It’s super-light? Apparently, it traps air magic on its own, or something. I couldn’t get past Twilight’s half-hour explanation.”

“Yeah, she can ramble. Her voice-box is probably the most exercised part of her body. Eighty-percent of the time I see her, she’s just sitting around reading. I don’t know if she should be starving, or fat as a whale sometimes.”

Myrna laughs. “Yeah. Say, there’s apparently some sort of festival happening tomorrow, and I was wondering if you and Anne wanted to come with me to it. You up for that? Apparently, there’s all sort of games, but nobody would say what it was about. Probably some weird version of some earth holiday, guessing from the trend with the other holidays I’ve heard of.”

I recall what Berry said when I was last in the Mug. “Hearts and Hooves day. Like Valentine’s day or something, though I doubt it started due to a couple of dead people.”

“Huh. Well, I guess it’s better to go as a group then. I’d hate for people to think we’re... you know.” She blushes. “At least, not yet, y’know.”

“Pfft, like you could do better.” I say sarcastically. “Come on, let’s go get Anne.”

As she follows me down the stairs and out the door, she snorts derisively. “Idunno, Anthony. That Big Mac guy looks like he could be a real charmer...”

“Heh, last I knew, he’s dating RD. She’s so gonna owe me if it goes well. I wonder what I could get from her?”

“Free airshow at your wedding? I figure you’re gonna get married to your ego eventually.”

“‘If not that, then probably your reflection.’” I say, putting my hands to my forehead and faking concentration. “See, I can read minds, too.”

“As if. You’re not blushing enough to have been reading my mind.”

“Oh come on, you can’t blame a guy for trying, right?” We continue on our way. I assume Anne will be at Fluttershy’s cottage, so I’m heading there first.

After a few moments, Myrna edges ahead of me, and gives me a competitive look.

“You wanna race? Think you can top the speed of light?” I return the competitive glare.

“Ha! You’d only win if you did use powers!”

“Same with you. If you count natural abilities from being non-human for me, then I can say the same for you!”

Myrna gives me an evil grin, then grabs me, powering forward. I’d just slip out with a burst of intangibility, but at the speed she’s moving I’d probably roll a few hundred feet before being able to stand, and I’m not actually all that durable. Plus, she keeps going over obstacles, like houses and trees, and simply skating across the stream without slowing down.

“Oh yeah, like that’s not taking advantage of your abilities.”

Myrna just laughs. “Oh come on, all I’m doing is giving you a hug!” she squeezes me as a counterpoint, though it’s much gentler than her food-drunk hugs.

“And I’m not always the best person to hug, miss endotherm.” I heat up my body, but not burning her, just increasing my skin temperature by about fifteen degrees or so. “Pimp’s in the crib, ma!” I grin.

She drops me right there.

I hit the little stream outside Fluttershy’s house at almost twenty miles an hour, and it’s pretty similar to faceplanting on concrete. My skin certainly agrees with this comparison, and I sit up with a wince. My skin feels raw as hell, and is just as red to boot. I look up, and see Myrna smile and knock on Fluttershy’s door. Worst of all, she’s got a ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ look.

I can’t do much about the pain, but I at least enter my Heat form to speed up the evaporation process and dry myself off. Silver linings and all, right? I climb up onto the little bridge and walk up to ‘Shy’s door, stopping beside Myrna.

“So, was that a good suggestion you made?” Myrna asks, smirking at me. I look like I’ve got a bad sunburn.

“Eh, I’ll be fine, just gotta wait a bit. I’m not a fast healer, but I can certainly ignore pain easier... sometimes.”

“Heh. Sorry, I just get a little competitive at times.” She pats me on the back, and I can feel a wave of pain roll outwards. An involuntary hiss of pain escapes my teeth right as the door opens, showing Fluttershy.

“Hi.” I say through gritted teeth. After a moment, the wave passes and I feel a bit better. “We were gonna collect Anne. Since tomorrow’s Hearts and Hooves day, we figured we’d all make plans for it.”

Fluttershy looks at me for a moment, then smiles broadly. “Oh! Yes, I’ll go get her.” The little yellow pegasus darts off into her home, leaving the door open. Before I can peek inside and see what’s going on, Anne is pushed out of the front door, which closes behind her. “Haveawonderfuldayyoucancomebackaftertomorrow!” Fluttershy shouts from inside, actually reaching a half-decent volume.

I chuckle. “Yeah, that’s gonna take a bit to get used to.” I turn to Myrna to explain. “‘Shy’s got this crazy idea that Anne and I should get together or something. I figure both of you deserve a chance, but it’s not gonna happen overnight. Nah, you girls want this, you’re gonna have to work for it.” I smirk, and Myrna casually bumps me back into the stream.

“Ha ha, very funny. I’m sexy and you know it!” I climb out once more and dry myself off. The feeling of super-fast evaporation on my bare skin is... a very odd one. Eh, better than being wet.

“Well, Mr. Egotist, maybe me and Anne would be better off together than with you. I mean, at least then our egos wouldn’t be having to fight for couch space.” Myrna gives Anne a predatory look that makes the bronze harpy quail and shrink down. The large snake-woman snatches up Anne and begins to slither off. “Muahahaha! She’s all mine! Can’t catch me!” she shouts, before going vertically up a tree and going along the canopy.

Heh, yeah, somehow I think Anne would find that a bit weird. Especially once she sees Myrna’s teeth. That girl could give a shark fang-envy. Shaking my head, I walk along the ground following them. Well, going in the direction she disappeared in.

I finally get to town again, and get directions as to Myrna’s path from the townsponies. I find myself in the park, and Myrna and Anne are sitting down and eating ice cream. Without me.

“You know, it should be obvious that getting away from someone is hard when you are as stealthy as a thousand-pound green tube.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just getting Anne some ice cream. Right Anne?” the bronze harpy freezes in mid-lick of the ice cream, looking like she was caught doing something naughty.

“Yeah, sure, and you totally want to date a girl. I seem to recall that one time you got food-drunk and took me home and used me as a body pillow.”

Myrna looks at me. “And that prevents me from being, oh, I don’t know, bi?” She quirks an eyebrow at me and hugs Anne closer, making the poor girl blush a bright patina-blue.

“Of course not, but your orientation doesn’t seem to matter when the girl completely locks up each time you hug her. Come on, I seriously doubt you two would work that well anyway. You’d get along as well as...” I think of a comparison, then the obvious one hits me in the face metaphorically. ”A snake and a bird.”

“Oh, I’m sure we could get along just fine.” Myrna says, hugging Anne again and grinning at me. Anne sorta leans into it, but looks more unsure of what to do more than anything.

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say.” I go to sit down, but then realize that with Anne taking up about half a spot and Myrna taking up three and a half, there’s no room at all. Eh, Myrna doubles as a bench anyway. I just sit down on one of her coils and lay down to relax. “So, what are we gonna do while all the ponies are busy with their holiday?”

“Well, I was thinking we could go to the midway. I hear there’s going to be a bunch of throwing stuff games and a few others. I’m sure we can find something to do there.” Myrna crunches the top of her ice cream cone off, apparently relishing the cold. “Oh, I don’t get brain freeze an-ny-mo-re. I ju-ssst ssslo-ow do-o-o-wn.” her face sort of sags a little as she slurs this.

Anne, apparently nonplussed by Myrna’s cold-induced stroke, licks her ice cream a few more times, then says, “Well, Fluttershy is going to be running a petting zoo this year. Apparently, she runs one every other year because she gets overwhelmed by how popular it is. I’d be fine with going there, if that’s alright with you two.”

I rub my temple briefly. “You spend too much time with Fluttershy. It shouldn’t matter what someone else thinks of your opinion. There’s wanting to be agreeable, and then there’s being just a pushover.”

“Well, if we’re going as a group, I don’t want to be selfish and just go where I want to go. Besides, I never really went out much back home. Getting to go out with friends is really great.”

“Well, here’s a tip. When you’re going out with friends and deciding what to do, usually what happens is that someone can offer an idea and they will probably all do it, and then someone else gets to decide what they do. Don’t act like what you want isn’t important just because you’re in a group. I’m gonna cure you of your little shyness issue, it really isn’t all that healthy the way I see it.”

Anne looks downcast. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a pushover...”

Waaaaaay too much time spent with Fluttershy. “Oh come on, stand up for yourself. The right response is ‘I’ll be a doormat if I want to,’ not ‘I’ll just do whatever I’m told and accept that I suck’. Oh well, I was planning on bringing you with me on my trip, so we can work on it then.”

“Sorry...” Anne says, looking further downcast, if that’s even possible. I feel the urge to either tear my hair out or hug her until she feels better.

“Yeah, when I head to Chicago, I’m taking you with me. Myrna can stay and dig up rocks.”

“Hey!” Myrna says, sounding only a little disgruntled. “Fine, but only because I can actually keep a job, unlike you.” She gives an exaggeratedly dainty huff and turns away dramatically.

“I can so hold a job, I just quit because it got in the way of the time I want to spend being lazy. Big difference. Anyway, back to plans for tomorrow. So far we have the midway, the petting zoo, is there anything else?” I had an idea forming in my head, but I figured it could wait until it was fully baked. The two shrug and shake their heads.

“Well, I had an idea. A little public concert. I’ve got my powers back, so I can play the Lyre again. I figure I could put on a show for them if they want to watch. Er, listen.”

Myrna and Anne agree that it sounds like a good idea, both mentioning they haven’t actually gotten to hear me play. I just vaguely explain that they are in for a treat.

Love is in the air, and it won't go away

Our plans for the day set, we split up and spend the last bit of the afternoon just hanging out and talking. After a while, the sun starts to go down and we head to our homes, Myrna opting to just stay in the trees at the park. I notice that plenty of decorations have been hung up around the town, and sure enough it’s a bunch of pinks, reds, and whites. Though there’s a bit of purple in there as well, it’s just like it is on Earth. These pony holidays are so similar but so different.

I do have plans for next Nightmare Night though. It’s definitely still got it’s basis firmly planted in the roots of fear that Halloween once had, on top of having a super cool name. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’ve got plenty of time to think about the details.

But with tomorrow coming up, I think I’ll just kinda lay low, not make a spectacle of myself as Fluke suggested. Though I will still do that concert, that shouldn’t be bad. Besides, I know the ponies miss me every time I leave, so I think I’ll do a special song or two for the kids. When I get to the library and back to my room, I pull out the Lyre and think over what songs I could play. It’s their season of love, so I probably shouldn’t do anything too harsh, but I still wanna play some cool music.

Ah well, I’ll think of something when the time comes. I idly strum the Lyre, and suddenly I come up with a song and start playing. I sing along with the light upbeat tune as my fingers pluck and strum the strings, and create the musical tones. It feels odd singing some parts with only one voice when there should be more, but it doesn’t take away from the song too much.

I finish and I hear a knock on my door and Twilight walks in. Guess I did say knock, but not that permission was needed... Sigh, ponies. Either way, she’s here and she looks at me curiously.

“That... is that what love songs are like where you come from?”

“Well, that one’s not exactly a love song, but there are plenty like it. We have a lot of variety though. It also depends on the kind of love in question.”

“What do you mean ‘kind of love’?”

“Well, there’s love for a friend, familial, the typical romantic love, and then there’s straight up lust.”

“Could I get an example of one like that?”

I quirk an eyebrow at the request, but she asked. And I did have one in mind. I shrug and start playing the more raunchy song, a favorite of mine simply for being so funny.

Once the song is over, I look over at Twilight and she is not just blushing, her entire head is redder than a tomato. I think she even has a nosebleed. She stammers but finds words nonetheless. “I- I didn’t mean- I meant the first one, love for a friend!”

“Whoops. Oh well. What’d you think of ‘Bad Touch’ though?”

Twilight, still redder than a firetruck, takes a moment before coming up with a reply. ”I’ll uh... I’ll be right back...” Twilight rushes back out and I hear her head downstairs. After a few minutes, I’m startled by a loud shout.

I run downstairs at top speed and see Twilight holding a book that is apparently a thesaurus for slang. Seems she looked up some of the words and phrases in the song. She’s holding the book far away from her, but still reading, a horrified expression on her face and growing as she flips through the pages.

“For the record, that was your fault for not being clear enough.” I remind her.

Twilight’s blush doesn’t appear to be able to get any redder, and is verging on purple, though that’s hard to tell with her fur. However, she won’t look me in the eye, and mutters something haltingly under her breath. She shifts on her cushion.

“Anyway, I’m gonna have a concert going for tomorrow. And no, I’m not going to play anything else like that unless it’s requested. And at that point I’d rather move it to a place where kids won’t end up hearing it.”

Twilight nods her head vigorously, her ears flopping with the motion. She inspects the floor in the process, never looking higher than my kneecaps.

“Jeez, it’s just a song! What’s got you so worked up? It’s not like I was playing it for you! Well technically I did, but that’s because you asked!”

Twilight hunches her shoulders and mutters something again, and I’m about to yell again in frustration, when I remember Vinyl’s explanation of ponies and music from before my last concert.

Still, most ponies should be fine, as long as it isn’t too negative or explicit. Harmonic Magics and all, y’know.

... Whoops. I address Twilight again. “You don’t actually think I want to do anything like that, right? Seriously, I know Fluke said I should get laid some time but I’m not gonna just...” I sigh and shake my head, going back upstairs. “I’m going to bed. Seeya tomorrow.” Twilight looks like she’s going to ask a question, but holds off until I’ve already shut the door.

I grumble, and curl up on the bed. This world is so weird... Although, perhaps I could use this musical power to my advantage...

I wake up and... it doesn’t feel any different. Granted I don’t really expect it too, but pony holidays have a way of affecting everyone, and I’m worried I’m starting to be... acclimated. Is that the right word...? Eh, screw it. Morning is not the time for thinking.

I head downstairs and get some breakfast. Twilight is still avoiding eye contact with me, but she does seem a bit better. Spike obviously didn’t hear the song, so he doesn’t quite get what’s up with her. Oh well, glad I didn’t play any songs that were meant to be dirty-raunchy and not funny-raunchy. That might not have gone well.

Still, Spike manages to cook a wonderful stack of pancakes, and announces he’s already got his chores done well before I’ve even finished my food. I’d be surprised if he isn’t fishing for the chance to go pine over Rarity for the day.

I wonder if I should tell him she’s already interested in someone else... I should, but I should also know who it is.  It must be hard on the little guy, chasing after some mare who really isn’t interested.

Either way, though, Twilight humors him, giving him a hug before he dashes off. After that, she just sort of disappears into her workshop. With a stretch and a yawn, I head out to go meet up with Myrna and Anne. Today should be nice. No obligations but to hang out with friends and mess with ponies’ heads? Sounds good to me.

I figure I’ll come up with some songs to play. I’m aware now that ponies aren’t exactly familiar with the varying kinds of love, so I plan on playing a bunch of very different love songs... but which to use? Eh, I’ll think of them while I’m hanging out with the girls today.

Stepping along the road, I find myself becoming more uncomfortable as I walk, seeing pairs, trios, or even quartets of ponies sitting close to each other and nuzzling or kissing each other. It’s making me a bit nauseous, actually.

The polygamy thing is also still super weird. Oh well, that settles one song I’m going to play. I make sure the Lyre is still attached to my belt, next to the Sword. I still haven’t figured out how the weapon keeps following me, but it refuses to let me leave the house without teleporting silently into place. Thankfully, it’s convenient for hanging other things off of, or I’d spend some actual time figuring out how to make it stay in storage.

That, and I at least will always have a weapon I actually have practice with rather than having to improvise. I wonder how it reacts to my powers... Probably not a good idea to try in the middle of town. If this is as destructive as it’s name implies... Things could get messy.

Anyway, after a bit, I get to the park and there’s Myrna, sitting in the branches of a large oak and sunning herself. I can’t tell if she’s napping, or if she’s even woken up yet, she looks very comfy though. Must be a snake thing, because branches have never been that comfortable to me.

I call up to her, and she turns to look at me, her smile bright and happy. “Hey, Anthony! I’ll be right down.” And she simply drops her coils from the tree on one side, pooling up like a puddle of snake-woman, and slithers over to me. She gives me a quick hug, then looks me over. “Wow, goin’ armed for a reason?”

“Can’t get rid of the thing, honestly. But hey, you never know when someone needs a gigantic watermelon cut up, right?”

Myrna laughs. “Those watermelons, y’know. They’re vicious.”

“Ha, I fear no fruit. Now veggies are a different story. The only things I can stand are carrots, and only if they’re cooked. Anyway, I recall Anne kinda getting kicked out. Any idea where she is?”

“I’m here!” Anne says, flapping down to the back of a bench.

“Great, the gang’s all here. So I guess we just hang around and do... what did we plan on doing again? Something about a pet shop?”

“Petting zoo. Fluttershy’s running it this year. She has to take years off, though, remember? Anyways, we can start with something else if you want. I’ve gotten a lot better at flying.”

“Huh, so you can fly? What’s up with your feathers though? They’re soft, but I swear they look metal, not to mention they can become metal.”

“Oh, they are metal. It’s uhm... Twilight said something about arcanomorphic properties, and I tried really hard to pay attention, but I fell asleep. I think she has one of my feathers for testing.” Anne fluffs her feathers, something that runs entirely contrary to the idea of metal feathers.

“You sure? I swear that they made a ‘bending metal’ noise once...”

Anne flexes her feathers, making them splay out like fingers again. This time, they made the ‘bwamp’ noises as she did. “When I do this, they’re metallic.” she folds them back, and they make light sounds like clattering silverware. “Like this, they’re less metallic. Semi-metallic? Idunno. Uhm, but I thought we were going to head to the midway.” Myrna nods in agreement.

“Alright. I wonder if they have invented Skee-Ball yet. I always kick ass at that one.” We make our way towards the marketplace which has somehow been completely moved around and rearranged into a small, rideless carnival-like area. I swear it was perfectly normal last night! How do they do that so fast?

Still, we do indeed find a skeeball table, and put down a few bits.

I pick up one ball and put the other two next to me. I take a minute to gauge the distance of the runway from the rings back to me, and I give the ball a quick underhand toss straight down the table. it wobbles a bit, but ends up in the middle ring. No bullseye, but still good enough.

I go to toss another, and this time I get it deadcenter. This is a bit easier than they have at most carnivals... I haven’t even practiced in years. Thinking about that, I expect the next shot to fail. These games are always rigged, no way you can get two bulls-eyes in a row! And yet, it works.

“Well, I guess that’s a win...” A really easy one too. The prizes must be garbage or something if the game isn’t rigged. There’s always something these guys pull.

The stallion running the table smiles and congratulates me and points me at the prizes. Dozens of super-soft plush toys sit in a small stack. They’re taller than my forearm is long, but they look well-made. Since Anne can’t really participate with the shape of her ‘hands’ and such, I let her pick out a toy to keep. She gleefully snuggles a neon-green cat of some kind.

I’m still cautious. This had to have been some sort of weird coincidence. I know the other games around here have some trick to them, and I’m prepared for them. I just have to figure what they’re pulling. I’ve beaten a few rigged games before.

Unfortunately, it goes poorly the rest of the day. Myrna does alright and Anne even wins a few of them. I don’t get how they could figure out the tricks before I can, I’ve seen every trick possible, but whatever these guys are doing is entirely new.

Grumbling, I’m not prepared for when Myrna shoves a soft, well-made heart pillow into my chest, telling me to ‘chill’. “C’mon man, a run of bad luck is nothing to grumble over. Anne wants to head to the petting zoo, let’s go.”

Chapter 120

On the way to Fluttershy’s, I make a mental note to check back on those games later when nobody’s around. If I can reverse-engineer the setup, I’ll be able to figure out what they’re trying to pull... Until then though, there’s a petting zoo.

We walk along the road again, and I’m getting a bit tired of seeing couples and triples necking by the side of the road. Anne and Myrna are even scootching closer, likely to get as far from the sheer amount of gushing going on.

Finally, we’re approaching the location for the Petting Zoo, when something catches my eye. A few flashes of light and little bleeps and bloops from the edge of my vision grabs my attention. I stop in place when I realize there’s an entire arcade set up in the middle of a clearing, several young ponies already engaged with things like pong -two player, even- something like Pac-Man, a game like Arkanoids, and some sort of Asteroids knock-off. I see a lack of fighting games or beat-’em-ups... but I guess they have to get their video games a bit more advanced.

I hear a cry of frustration, and a little brown colt slams his head onto the console of a Galaga-style game, the game-over message flashing.

I chuckle. “Hey kid, having some trouble? Let me show you how to play a game.” The kid scoots over and I move the stool off to the side, being tall enough to reach the controls sitting down. I have to kneel a bit, but it works out. The controls are pretty intuitive, though the top of the joystick is more flat than I’m used to. The main ‘ship’ is an alicorn, firing little laser-beams from its horn. A horde of changelings are the enemy, but the sounds are almost identical to Galaga.

Hammering the buttons and twitching the joystick back and forth, I clear wave after wave of enemies. Several times, I find myself sweating, and dealing with the tendency of the Changelings to steal my ship and force me to swap to another alicorn -this one a different color scheme- results in several minor profanities being thrown at the screen, though I end with a small triangle of Alicorns blasting the hell out of a changeling swarm in the end, as they only get swapped out, instead of how Galaga did it, but the three-way spread shot I get from having all three of my lives out at once is very much welcome.

Finally, though, I’m taken down by a Changeling taking up the space of four, and I’m unable to destroy it before it barrels right through my formation, knocking off all three lives in a single attack. I let out a sigh, and lean back as my score flashes on the screen. I put in my name, and it shows me I’d gotten the new highest score, at 1,400,030 points. A half-million points ahead of the next highest, I see that the top nine slots after me are filled with either ‘BM’ or ‘NI’ for the initials. The little colt seems really impressed.

“Eh, not my best ever, but not bad after not playing for a few years. Let me know when you guys invent the N64.” With that I take my leave, walking through the crowd of ponies.

“Wait, the what?” is the last thing I hear from the little colt before I get over to the petting zoo, where Anne is practically covered in rabbits, weasels, baby birds of all descriptions, and more than a few foals. the sheer amount of fluffy and adorable in that pile is threatening to give me diabetes, but I can resist. Inoculations from the CMC have hardened me to such assaults.

Myrna, however, is currently hosting a mere two ponies, one of which is an adult mare with a caduceus symbol for a cutie-mark. The other is a foal, who is being hugged by one of Myrna’s hair-snakes, and being utterly snuggly-adorable about it.

I figure I’ll leave the girls to enjoy themselves and look for something to do. Then I see a rabbit who seems to be giving everyone the stink-eye, especially to anyone who tries petting him. It takes me a minute to recognize him as that asshole rabbit who Fluttershy gave the most ill-fitting name possible to.

I recall the first time I met him and feel like kicking him all the way into the Everfree... but then I’d have to explain. Deciding it would be against my better judgement, I leave the rabbit alone.

That said, I don’t see Fluttershy anywhere... isn’t she supposed to be running the Petting Zoo? I decide to ask Prick. That’s a much better name for the stupid rabbit. “Hey furball, you seen Flutters around? Isn’t she in charge?”

The rabbit actually looks relieved to see me, which makes me worry. The rabbit begins pantomiming a series of events that I cannot decipher, given that it’s probably being done at least twice as fast as normal. Still, Prick seems to be pointing towards a narrow alley nearby, which I see has a couple of guys hanging out and playing a card game outside it.

Which, I have to say, clashes rather utterly with the rest of what’s happening around town. I’ve already seen a few stallions getting together today, so it’s not a particularly secretive thing. I narrow my eyes when I see that they’re just throwing down cards, and watching the street with shifty eyes.

Ponies suck at being inconspicuous.

I return my gaze to Prick. “Either she went into the alley and something happened, or you’ve got a problem with those guys who are awful at being discreet. Which is it?” I think for a moment. “One stomp for Fluttershy’s in trouble, two for you just hate their guts for some reason.”

The rabbit stomps once, then holds for a moment and stomps twice.

“Both huh? Eh, fine.” I head over to the stallions. “Hey, I’m looking for Fluttershy. Have either of you seen her?” I idly thumb the sword at my side making sure they can see I’ve got it on me.

Both of the stallions stop and look at each other, holding off talking for several seconds. I quirk my eyebrow, and they start talking. “Er, yeah! She, uh, went thataway!” he says, pointing one direction, as his partner points in another. Seriously, ponies suck at subterfuge.

“Well, as long as she’s accounted for. Hey, wanna deal me in? What are the stakes at the moment?”

“Uh... a few bits?” the stallion says, grinning nervously, his eyes shifting one way and another. And, right in front of me, he nudges the other guy, who immediately says ‘oh!’ and throws a few bits on the ground. I feel like I should take the time to find all the would-be criminals of Equestria and teach them some basic points. Like not being obvious when you’re lying.

I sigh. “It’s obvious you two are horrible criminals. Now tell me where ‘Shy is, or I find out which of you has the more flammable tail.” I summon some flames into my palm and stare at them. “Well?”

Both ponies pull their tails up protectively into their grasp and start babbling, gesturing vaguely at the alleyway.

“-I didn’t think-” “-He does this every year-” “Didn’t want to take a ‘no’-” “-she’s just so pretty!” “Please don’t ruin my tail!”

I roll my eyes. “It seems you misheard me. I asked for where she is, not why. One more chance or I give you both a very hot haircut.”

The ponies flinch and point in unison at the alley, cowering under their hooves. I can see them peeking out from under their hooves as I walk by, stalking into the dark alley. I’m just in time to see Fluttershy, backed against a wall marking the dead-end of the blind alley. A larger stallion is standing over her, and he’s saying something in a low voice. It’s a voice that makes me want to take a shower or twelve.

“I’ve said before, I don’t want to hear a ‘no’. You’ve been pretty evasive these last few years, but I think you can find it in you to say ‘yes’ now, can’t you?” Fluttershy just hides under her mane, cowering in utter fear.

I walk up behind the stallion. “I think I deserve an explanation, or I’m going to assume you’re attempting to rape my friend.” I draw my sword and hold the blade to his neck.

While he does freeze in place, he doesn’t turn. “Pfah, I am not so uncultured as to... force myself upon this fine lady.” the stallion raises his head a little, and I see a glowing horn just before the Crack! of a teleportation spell echoes through the blind alley.

The Unicorn looks arrogantly assured of himself as he turns to face me, though much of that arrogance drains away when he sees I’m not just some guard or armed civilian.

“This is none of your business! This lady, a ‘friend’ of yours,” he sneers the word ‘friend’ like it’s a slur, “was just about to tell me how she’s going to begin courting me. Isn’t that right?” he hissed the last words at Fluttershy, who only retreats further under her mane, shaking and shivering. “See? Nothing illegal.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so. I recall you mentioning her saying that she said no before. Also, you’ll find bending your words doesn’t work on me. Now give me a reason to not use your neck as a whittling stone.”

“I- your threats hold no water here! I am a citizen of Equestria, and I have done nothing illegal! She has yet to refuse me, only to evade me. I shall have what is rightfully mine!” Wow, he stinks of cliche bad-guy.

“And if that’s your attitude, then I’ll be happy to oblige. Take what you deserve.” I ball up a fist and punch him in the face. “I don’t care if you’re princess Celestia herself, I’d still slice you up and wring your goddamn neck for trying to force-” I’m cut off with an ‘oof!’ of pain as Fluttershy cannonballs into me, holding me tightly and crying. She’s bawling her eyes out, and I pat her awkwardly with the hand that isn’t holding my Sword.

After a few moment, I look up and see that the unicorn has already left, only a few drops of blood from when I’d hit him showing he was here at all. Fuckin’ teleporters...

“Alright ‘Shy, you’re okay now. If he shows up again, let me know and I’ll deal with him. Do you know his name so I can find him?”

‘Shy shudders once, still clinging to me. “H- his name is Sh-shallow Image. He’s been following me since my time as a model.” She squeaks out a sob. “He s-scares me.”

Model? She used to be... wow, that’s certainly out of character for her. “Well don’t worry. You won’t be having any more trouble with him. If he comes back, you let me know, okay? I don’t know if it counts the same here, but I’d call what just happened ‘attempted rape’ and I’ve dealt with enough rapists for one lifetime.”

‘Shy just nods and stays latched on to me, and she explains that he’d been showing up every Hearts and Hooves day to try ‘convincing’ her to join his herd. She’d given him the slip a few times, and convinced him that she only visited Ponyville that one time of the year. She’d never gone to the Guard because she was afraid he might try to get her declared ‘unfit’, whatever that means, for any number of reasons. He apparently owns a large number of psychiatric hospitals, which worries me. It seems a large amount of the major functions of this country are owned by petty nobles, each one trying to outdo the others. I’ll need to ask Rarity to help me untangle this one; I want to get to the bottom of this and stop this ‘Shallow Image’ guy for good.

But so far he’s right and he’s done nothing truly wrong aside from pestering/terrorizing Fluttershy. I’ll have to take care of this next time he makes a move. Or at least wait a while for this to cool off before looking for him.

Myrna finds me and ‘Shy after about half an hour, popping out of the street. She’s about to say something, probably chew me out for leaving her and Anne, until she sees Fluttershy’s tear-streaked face. The pegasus seems to have fallen asleep.

“Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. But if you hear anything about some guy named Shallow Image, you let me know, okay?” Myrna nods, and offers to take her back to her cottage. After handing off the pegasus, I sigh and lean against the alley wall again. After a moment, I go back out, and look for Anne. No reason to stop today’s plans. Though if I see that unicorn again, I’m putting whatever I’m doing on pause to chase him down.

After a while, Myrna and I decide we should have the concert now as none of us can offer any more ideas, and Anne seem to just agree with whatever we say. I’m going to have to help her with that.

Either way, when we get back to the town hall’s stage, it doesn’t take long for ponies to realize there’s going to be an unscheduled show. I decide to start now and let the crowd get bigger as I play. I figure I’ll start with a general high-energy party-starter.

I strum the Lyre and the sound of drums start up and then I begin singing.

More than half the ponies are bouncing and singing along, enjoying themselves. The other half are at least bouncing their heads, so that’s fine. There’s a small fringe of ponies on the outside of the concert that don’t seem impressed.

Well, this isn’t a concert for stuck-up party-poopers. I start playing wildly as I hit the guitar solo, and everyone seems to be enjoying it. Those in the crowd that is.

Many of the members of the crowd are shouting along the with the last part of the song, with more than a few groups of ponies being closer to each other than strictly necessary.

I label the song a success and move on to the next, announcing it as ‘why I have a problem with polygamy.’ It starts off light and the sudden change to somber music intrigues the audience.

None of the ponies seem to understand, and several look downright disgusted. There’s a pretty large number that look like they’re getting ready to leave by the time I’ve reach about two-thirds of the way through the song.

“Well excuse me for having a different view of your culture!” I sigh and move on to another song. “This next one is a bit... strange. Hope you guys don’t mind Alice Cooper.”

At the sound of a much more upbeat tune, the ponies seem satiated... but then I start singing. With the proof that attempted rape is a thing here, I’m sure stalkers aren’t new to this place either, but I’m not entirely sure how well received it will be.

There’s a large amount of ponies looking disapproving, mostly the stallions. More than a few aren’t so much disgusted as the last song brought, but rather look somewhat uncomfortable.

“Well fine! If you guys hate things being different, you can take your closed minds and jump in a lake! For those who are accepting of others, then you can stay.” I fold my arms and watch as the crowd decides what to do.

Well more than two-thirds leave in response to my proclamation, and the remainder look distinctly uncomfortable. Well, the songs were a bit harsh. Maybe I should lay off the love songs for a bit.

After a moment, though, I see a teetering stack of fillies, each of the little group distinct. On top of the group is Sweetie Belle, her hoof raised and an eager smile on her face.

“You have a request, or you wanna join me for something a little better?”

In her squeaky voice, Sweetie Belle shouts for something ‘Hopeful’.

“Hmm. How about you guys just come up here and we can do a song together?” I see Scoots holding up Sweetie and I get an idea. If I can get such a strong reaction from music, I might have a way to help the kid with her idolizing issues.

The fillies rush up to the stage gleefully and I start playing. The song will be much different than the others, but I guess that’s a good thing right now. I make my decision of what to play and I begin.

Somehow a mystical force, most likely Harmony, seems to have read my mind and made Scootaloo the main singer. The other three doing background singing, and I’m merely the music. I just hope Scoots is paying attention to what she’s singing.

The little ponies all sing their little hearts out, Scootaloo buzzing her wings excitedly and achieving temporary lift-off every now and then. Sweetie’s hitting some impressively low notes, considering her normally higher range. Guess Harmony did something about that.

The song finished, the ponies in the crowd seem to appreciate this song a lot more, getting a few cheers. Yeah, okay, save the dark music for a different species. I feel a tug on my pant leg and look down. I see Sweetie looking up at me, and gesturing for me to lean down. When she gets close to my ear, she asks if I have any ‘happier’ love songs she could dedicate to someone who might be in the crowd. Heh, little girl’s got a crush, that’s adorable. Well, I guess it can’t hurt.

I stand back up and just start playing the much more romantic song.

Sweetie takes the lead for the song immediately, her voice carrying out to the crowd with a strength I haven’t heard in it before. A look of serene joy fills her expression, her singing bringing a sense of peace, joy, and exhilaration to everyone assembled. Scoots and Applebloom are sitting off to the side, grinning at Sweetie, and give each other a hoof-bump.

I decide that now it should be time to wrap this thing up. “Alright everybody. I’ve got one more song for you all. I think you’ll enjoy it as much as I enjoy where it came from.”

I strum the Lyre and receive the sounds of an electric guitar before I begin singing. The notes spill forth from the instrument, and the words do the same from my mouth. The ponies still attending all start to smile and move with the song, good cheer fully restored. Several of the couples and triples still in attendance start dancing together, while the ones who had shown up in singles start grouping up.

I continue singing and strumming the Lyre quickly as I end. “That’s the Power of Looooooooooove...” After a moment of the music having quieted, I realize how much I miss those movies. Eh, maybe the ponies will have something similar made later on. Still, nothing can beat Back to the Future.

The ponies are cheering wildly and hugging each other as I walk off stage, feeling very worn out. For some reason, the ‘happier’ songs drain me a lot more. No idea why.

A couple of ponies stick around after the concert, but most wander off to be with their partners. The CMC are giggling and tussling off to the side, and I’m utterly unprepared to be grabbed around the shoulders by an immense pair of claws, and lifted high.

I swear, that yell was manly, and there’s no amount of evidence you can present that will change my mind on this. Thankfully, my reaction to this was to start heating up and look around. I say thankfully about the heating part, because Anne is resistant to heat, and it’s her carrying me, with no apparent difficulty flying while doing so.

Laughing, I just relax as she gives me a flight around the town, finally stopping with plonking onto a cloud. Even though I start to sink through immediately, Anne can sit on it just fine, and she has a large, slightly glowy blanket set up on the cloud. The blanket doesn’t fall through, and makes the whole thing feel like a really soft bed.

Anne looks a bit unsure of herself, covering her face with a wing. “So... can we talk?”

Chapter 121

“Well sure Anne. What do ya wanna talk about?”

“Uhm, so... y’know how we’re kinda... alone?” the harpy looks at me, her face unreadable.

“Yeah, aside from a few other pegasi couples and triples that are on their own clouds.” I say, pointing at a few groups that are a little ways below us but still out of earshot. “So aside from them, what’s your point?”

She shakes her head. “No, not up here. I mean, in general. Anthony... you’re the only human guy alive now.” She looks at me, and I feel an uncomfortable sensation pass along my spine.

“So... your point is?”

She shifts a little on the cloud, razor-tipped bronze claws sinking to the fluffy material. “I don’t know if it’s that you’re the only guy I know now, but I- I think... uhm, that is-” she blushes hard, and hides herself completely in her wings. “mumblemumblemumble” Her voice is quieter than Fluttershy’s.

“Come again?” I have a feeling of what she said, but I want her to be brave enough to say it. I’m not into the ‘blush at the word love’ type. I have standards.

“I think I mumblemumble.”

I sigh. She needs help. “Look, I give it a 60-40 chance you’re trying to say you like-like me, but I’m not gonna accept it unless you say it, alright?”

Anne gulps, then slowly moves her wings away from herself. She looks at me with trepidation in her eyes, and gulps again. “I- I... IthinkIreallylikeyou!” Aaand back into her wings she goes.

“Thank you. Seriously, I’m not that dense, I can tell that you liked me, but seriously... did saying so hurt? I’m not mad or upset or anything.”

Anne slowly peeks out of her wings, eyes peeking from between the gaps in her huge feathers. “I- I, uhm... I’ve never b- been good at talking to p-people I l- l- like.”

“Heh, same here, that’s why all possibilities are immediately dropped in the friendzone. I’ve had, like, ten girls who were potential girlfriends, but none of them tried to say anything.”

“R- really? B- but... you don’t look like a geek.”

I start to laugh at that, and say that I do, and that’s when I realize I really don’t anymore. Nearly three years of staying out in the sun so much and working hard just to keep from being bored have left me tanned and actually kinda muscular. I’ll probably never have a real bodybuilder’s physique, but I certainly look athletic now.

“Yeah well, don’t forget what they say about books and covers. I’m still the guy who’ll run off to the arcade and completely dominate the high score on any machine there. Who has time for girls?”

Anne looks utterly crestfallen at the comment. “S-sorry...” I realize that my comment may have been taken wrong.

“What I meant was, I’m not going to go chasing after someone I like. If they like me, they have to say something. I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life. Ever. I’m not against the idea, just no girls have asked me... well, unless you count random mares but I don’t count them.”

Anne perks up. “S- so... do you like me?” She looks really unsure of herself. Honestly, minus the bird-bits, she’s got a figure plenty of women back home would kill for. Like, killing-spree-in-a-schoolhouse. But then, she’s also pretty darn short. Myrna’s got a similar form, but differently distributed. And Myrna’s kinda, well, a snake. And gigantic.

“Well sure. Heck, I like most people. The difference is, do you like me more? I’ve gone down that road before, I’m not gonna attach myself unless I know for sure something’s gonna stick. And first, that requires the girl wanting it just as much, if not more so than me.”

“W- wait, I thought you said you n- never had a girlfriend before?”

“I was unaware the feeling wasn’t mutual until I found out later. Turns out she was just being abnormally friendly for some reason. Anyway, it ended with me just... leaving. I never saw her again. I was like twelve at the time, just for reference.”

Anne’s smile returns, and she chuckles. “Well, uhm... d- do you like me, then? I know I’m a geek too, but...”

“Well sure. Problem is, I’m dealing with something similar with Myrna. What would change if we became ‘official’ anyway?” I ask, making air quotes. “Seriously, what’s the big difference? What would a standard couple do that a pair of really good friends ca-” I’m cut off by Anne literally pushing me to the blanket with a tackle-kiss combination. She’s pressed against me in ways that are not helping my concentration in the slightest.

Holy hell, this is... not as new a feeling as I’d expect. I mean, granted I’ve already gave up my first kiss, but still... something seems... familiar about this but it’s nothing like with Pinkie! I don’t even know what to do!

Thankfully, I suppose, she seems to know what to do. And she seems awfully intimate with the layout of my mouth, leading to a really long kiss. I’m pretty sure that if I needed to breath as much, I’d be getting light headed. After several long, very enjoyable moments come to a close, she slowly withdraws, panting.

I sit up on the blanket, grinning. “Well that was something new. You sure you’ve never kissed someone before?”

She blushes harder. “I’ve never kissed anyone else before.”

That sounded rather odd, but I’m not gonna worry about it. If she has an ex she’s trying to hide, that’s fine with me. “So, how competitive are you?”

“Uh, well, I suppose not very... B- before I, uh, came here, I was mostly just a computer person. I didn’t have too many friends that weren’t online.”

“Well, don’t forget you have competition. Myrna’s already taken me out on a date... kinda. I’m not sure if I’m going to make a snap decision, but if you think I’m worth it, you and Myrna are gonna have to be a bit competitive. But still friends. If one of you hurts the other, you both lose.”

Anne nods, still mostly laying atop me. Her metallic hair tickles a little as it drapes down her shoulders and a little onto my face. “I- I guess I should probably talk to her, then...” Anne says, curling up next to me, laying on my arm. I’m confident I can pull my arm under her, but she’s pretty snuggly.

Though, I can’t really see why she didn’t have many friends. You’d think she would, with her looks. Even if half of them were faking it, people tend to gravitate towards girls like her.

“But we don’t have to tell her right now, do we?” I ask. This is pretty nice. She shakes her head, which also works like a nuzzle. A huge bronze wing covers me like a blanket. The sky above is a solid, beautiful blue, and the sun is only about two-thirds of the way across the sky.

Slowly, the sun works its way across the sky, and several of the pegasus couples and triples are snuggled down for what are likely naps. Or more. Wanting to get moving again, I ask Anne to carry me down, if only so that I can stretch my legs without danger of falling off. There’s a short period of time where I’m just gliding down from the cloud, Anne gripping my shoulders with her razor-sharp claws without giving me so much as a scratch. There’s some chatter and giggles directed our way as we touch down, and a few earth pony and pegasus groups sport gleeful looks, to the point that I can’t see Anne anymore, her wallflower tendencies in full swing, obfuscating her from everyone’s senses.

I turn to the ponies. “If you think we boned, you have some really dirty minds... and think about who’s saying that.”

Only a couple ponies look abashed, while the rest just keep giggling and giving us looks. Sighing, I give up and get moving, the vague sensation of being followed the only indicator that Anne is coming with me.

“Don’t worry. Holidays like these mess with their heads, this could happen tomorrow and I doubt any of them would even bat an eye. I have plans for Halloween though. I missed last year being in Wunderland, but I think I’ll have to make up for that.”

Eventually, I find where Myrna has been converted into a little foal’s ride, with the little ponies being helped up to her back, and then sliding down like she was a jungle gym slide. Myrna didn’t seem to mind, and was flipping the foals at the last moment with a flick of her tail, causing the squealing little pony to do a full somersault into a big pile of hay.

“You know, if I could do that, I’d be rich in three days.”

“Pfft, you’d probably accidentally send them into walls and stuff.” Myrna teases back, sticking her tongue out at me. She blows a raspberry with all eight-or-so inches of tongue, giving me an impromptu shower.

“Well, glad to see neither of you are going to turn into prissy girly-girls later on.” I say as I wipe the snake slobber off of me. “That’s, like, the worst kind of girl possible.”

Myrna just chuckles. “So, where’s Anne? You didn’t decide to bury her or something, did you?”

“Why would I bury her? Granted she could stand to grow a few feet, but I’m not sure if she’s capable of breathing underground. She’s right here by the way... well, as far as I know.”

Slowly, Anne fades back into view, a few feet away. She’s perched on the back of a bench again, claws dug into the wood a little.

“So yeah. I’ve decided today is the day I make it official: You both have a chance to end up with me. Winner is the one who shows that she likes me the most and is competitive enough for me to want to keep her... without going to insane lengths. As I told Anne, you both have an equal chance, but you both get tossed if either of you end up hurt. I like tough girls, not mean girls. Or wimps.”

Myrna gives Anne an appraising look, and the harpy ducks her head a little.

“Although I guess if you don’t want to, you can just quit. Winning me over won’t be as easy as lifting rocks for a living.”

Myrna gives me a hard look. “No, I’m fine with a little... competition.” She grins widely, the corners of her mouth almost literally touching her ears. The faintly gleaming points of her teeth show through the gap between her lips. Anne gulps, but straightens her back.

“Alright. I guess we tally up the current score, and then the games begin so to speak.” I think over what’s happened so far. “You know what, you two can compare each other’s times with me. I don’t want to seem biased in any direction. Though I will say that so far, one of you is definitely winning.” To be honest, they’re both on pretty much the same level, but I just want to see what happens. Ohhh I am such a jerk, but this ought to be good.

Both of them immediately straighten a little, and I see glares get passed back and forth. This may not be survivable, but it’ll certainly be fun. However, it doesn’t really help my serious problem.

Chapter 122

I walk to another part of the park and I just... think about what to do about the whole ‘getting laid’ issue. I lay down on the grass and try to come up with a solution to my problem, then Pinkie shows up. She grins and greets me, but as soon as she gets my half-hearted reply she just lays down next to me. “Wanna talk about it?”

I move Pinkie on top of me and just start petting her. It makes me feel a bit better. I figure if I have to tell someone it might as well be the Element of Confidence

“I just don’t know what to do.” Pinkie gets settled on top of my upper body. “I kinda got to the bottom of one of my problems... but that just made another problem.”

“What was the first problem?”

I sigh. “My aggression issues.”

Pinkie nods. “Yeah, you really should fix that.” Owch. Well, at least she’s right...

“So I chatted with a counselor while in Manehattan. He said I probably should... y’know... get a girlfriend.”

Pinkie gives me a smile. “Well I think I know somepony who can do that.” Pinkie smashes her mouth against mine in a rough, impromptu kiss and wraps her hooves around my neck pulling me into it. Pinkie shifts her position so she’s straddling me and uses a hoof to start sliding off my pants and-

“Anthony!” I’m being shaken around and I see Pinkie has grabbed me by my shoulders and is jostling me. “You just spaced out, are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah... yeah I’m fine I just.. oh damn I need to get laid.” Pinkie blushes a bit at this, but doesn’t start babbling like Twilight.

“Well, what about Anne? I’m sure if you just asked her, she’d-”

“No way, I couldn’t! I don’t want to look like some horny prick who just wants her so I have something to fuck!”

Pinkie Pie ponders this for a moment. “How do you know that’s how she’d see it?”

“I don’t... but I don’t want to risk it. And I want to give Myrna a chance, she deserves one too. I can’t say ‘you both get a chance’ and then just screw one of them because I’m horny.”

“It’s not just that though, you need it because you’re stressed out. Everypony needs a bit of release sometime. That’s practically the leading cause of a normal pony ending up a total meanie. Besides, it’s just sex, right?”

“Well, it’s a bit more than that to humans. We don’t all share the same view, but I see it as something you should do with someone you love. Sex is kind of a way of saying ‘I love you so much that I would do this with you over anyone else.’ y’know? I don’t want to just jump into that and then find out the relationship won’t work.”

“But ponies don’t always see it that way. I know you’re not into ponies but if you really need to, I could always... uh... I know a few ponies who wouldn’t mind ‘spending some time’ with you.” Pinkie heaves a sigh. “I just wanna help, but you don’t really make it that easy.”

“I know, I know, but this is really difficult.”

“Well... maybe you could just try it with a pony. Maybe it won’t be as weird as you think it would be.”

“But... but-”

Pinkie pushes her hoof up to my mouth to shut me up. “No buts. If you can’t manage it with Anne... or Myrna, I’m gonna call somepony who I know would be willing to help you out.” The way she said that makes me really not want to meet this pony, whoever she is. “I mean, she’d do it for free, but if you wanted her to keep it quiet and not, y’know, tell everypony that it happened... well, I can take care of that.”

“I- I dunno Pinkie...”

“I just want to help, okay? We probably won’t even need her. I’m sure you could make it work with Anne.”

“If you say so... But I’m not gonna walk up to her and Myrna and say ‘Hi, my guidance counselor said I need to get laid, let’s fuck!’ Who knows what they’d say?”

Pinkie seems to have locked up. “W- well, you could just ask at this point...”

I look up and see that Myrna and presumably an invisible Anne had heard at least my last comment. I turn to Pinkie for assistance, but it seems she’s vanished.

“Oh shit...”

“Is there something you, ah, wanted to tell us?” Myrna asks, one scaly eyebrow delicately quirked.

Ooookay, don’t panic! “Er, well... I- That is... I was speaking with a counselor about my issues and he uh... gave me a rather interesting prescription to help me with my anger problem...” I grin, hoping that I can come out of this unhurt.

“Uh huh. I’m sure that’s what you say to all the girls.”

I relax and snark back. “What girls? You two are the only ones around.”

I hear a pained sound, and see that a mare walking by heard and now looks offended. “I stand by my statement.” She hmphs and sticks her muzzle in the air, walking away in a huff. Oh well, whatever.

Myrna, however, has closed the distance while I was distracted, and I see that Anne is visible again, though it’s a bit hard to remember where she is when I’m not looking directly at her. The both of them have me effectively trapped between them, and Myrna purrs a few gentle words in my ear.

“Now now, who said we didn’t want to? You’re being an utter gentleman...” She smiles a bright, toothy grin. The dozens of sharp points are perfectly meshed, looking more like a shark’s teeth than a snake’s.

I gulp and turn a bit, only to find Anne by my side, belatedly remembering I’d already seen her get close. She’s giving me an almost predatory look as well. “Uh... I swear I wasn’t kidding, I uh, I could send him a letter if you want, really!”

Anne and Myrna exchange a glance, and start laughing. “Wow, he’s really taking us seriously!” Myrna guffaws, and even Anne is chuckling to herself a foot or two away.

I point to Myrna fearfully. “You could petrify me, crush my spine with a hug or just drop a boulder on me!” I point at Anne. “You have talons which could rip my eyes out, and your wings are like gigantic razor-blades! I think I’m entitled to be kinda scared right now!”

The two girls laugh again. Myrna pokes at me with a finger, and says, “And you can set me on fire, electrocute Anne, and grow super-big, according to Twilight. I think we’re even.”

I just whimper a bit. “I uh... uh... I have a headache?” This just makes the two laugh even harder, Myrna literally rolling fully over in her hysterics.

“Er, yeah, I’m funny. Anyway, can I be guaranteed that I’ll make it out of this without ending up a chopped-up pancake?” I scoot away from them a bit.

Anne stifles her laughter and pats me on the back with a wing, the soft clinking of metal on metal not reassuring me. “You’re fine, Anthony. Besides, it’s not like you admitted to trying to steer us into a relationship just for the sex. That you’re being considerate of us means a lot. Really.” Myrna only nods, her eyes red and puffy from crying with her laughter.

“So... one of you is gonna... You know... For real?”

“Heh, no, I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Anne says, smiling again.

I sigh in relief. They’re just punking me. Wow, I honestly thought that they were gonna just... well, I guess that’s over. I stand up and start walking away, planning on finding a way to calm down.

I feel Anne glomp me from behind, and Myrna pops up in front of me through the ground to hug me, and I’m sort of stuck. “We’re not just gonna let you go without a hug, though.” Anne says, and Myrna squeezes me in affirmation.

“O- okay...” The ‘crush my spine with a hug’ thought reenters my mind, but with sword-arm girl also being here, I decide struggling might not be wise, my instincts of self-preservation telling me a billion different things at once.

After several seconds of snuggling, I’m let go, though the girls are still lingering.

I try and come up with words. “So... yeah. Not sure if I’d make it the reward for winning, but the competition is still on and uh... yeah... bye!” I dash off as fast as I can before either of them tries grabbing me again. Jeez, I knew that this might be dangerous, but the idea of having sex with a giant snake or a metal bird is very... unnerving to say the least.

‘Maybe a pony won’t be so bad...’ My mind suggests. Nooooononononono! No way! Safer or not... Man I need to find a solution to this. I stop and realize I’ve ran back to the library. I figure I’ll just stay home for a while, I’ve had enough excitement for one day. Hoping the universe agrees with me, I walk inside and head up to my room.

Flopping onto my bed, I get barely two minutes of peace until there’s a knock at my door. I sigh and walk over to answer it. I look down, and see that Spike is shuffling awkwardly in the doorway, looking like he either needs to use the restroom or ask me a delicate question.

“Need something man?” I ask, figuring I could just get whatever problem he has over with.

“Hey, so I saw you with Anne and Myrna... and I heard that you’ve got them both courting you, and I- er, that is... uhm...” he trails off, looking a little confused and apprehensive.

I sigh, knowing what he probably wanted. “Advice for Rarity, right?”

“No! Can you tea- oh, I thought you were gonna say... uhm, yeah. I- I want her to like me. Like like me! And, well, you’ve already got two girls, so I figured you might have some advice.”

“Well, you might have a bit of trouble if you ask me for advice. I didn’t really do anything, it just sorta happened. I guess the advice I’d have to give is ‘be yourself’ but I have a feeling you’ve already tried that.”

“Yeah, but you had a whole bunch of mares sending you letters and stuff, too.”

“Maybe because... Idunno actually. Maybe you seem a little young, that could be the problem.”

“B- but I’m almost sixteen!” He looks at me with huge, pleading eyes, looking for all the world like a little kid. I heave a sigh, not entirely sure how to explain to him the problem here.

“Well, that’s not the same as what age you seem to be. You just need to act mature. Even if you don’t look the part, act like it. Granted, you kinda already do if you ask me. Though I would suggest you find a different mare to chase. Rarity’s already got her eyes on someone. No idea who, but I’ve never been able to find the time to make her tell me who it is. My point being, if you haven’t had much luck this far, you might just have to quit now that you’ve got competition.”

Spike looks utterly heart broken. Like, kicked-puppy mixed with dying kitten. I feel something in my heart sort of die off and shrivel, even though that response wasn’t what I meant to get from him.

“Though I guess there is an advantage. Find out who this guy is, find out what she likes about him. Stay her friend and don’t try to push your love on her. Find out more about the guy until you know exactly what he’s doing. Find something you can use to help you with her.”

Spike nods glumly and begins to slouch off. I don’t know if he actually heard me, or just nodded because it’s ingrained in him to do so.

“Just don’t forget that if you need a wingman, I’m here for you, even if I don’t understand mares at all.”

“Yeah... sure. I think... I think I need a coffee and a donut.” he mutters. “And some marshmallows...”

That gives me an idea. “Wait, have you tried giving her stuff? Like, just little candies or flowers or whatever? I’m not sure about mares, but human girls like chocolate usually.” Being generous to get the Element of Generosity... not entirely farfetched.

“I- well, I once gave her this really rare gem... I’ve only ever seen two, and one of them is in Celestia’s personal jewelry and stuff. The other, though, was bigger than Celestia’s, and it looked so delicious... but...”

“You gave it to her, didn’t you? Rarity I mean.”

“Y-yeah. She is- er, was worth it.” He sort of half waves and finishes stalking into the room he shares with Twilight. I can hear him grump as he lays down.

“Just don’t give up. If you really want her, I think I’ll try and see if I can’t get her interested at least a little.” I think he deserves a chance. If he gave her a present that as far as I can tell is super important and he’s still trying his damndest... he deserves a shot. I plan to head over to Carousel Boutique and see Rarity about this mysterious guy... after a nap.

I flop onto my bed and don’t bother to strip down or get under the covers, just laying on the bed belly-up and it’s not long before I drift off again... no idea why I’m feeling so tired right now...

Chapter ABC

My nap done, I get up and head out to see Rarity. It’s a bit of a walk from the library, but the trip is necessary even if it’s pretty much mid-afternoon by this point. I knock on the door and Rarity answers. “Hi, I’d like to talk with you for a bit.”

“Well, I’m rather busy at the moment, actually. I was wor-”

“I’m not gonna hear it. This is important to me.” Rarity looks rather annoyed, but lets me in.  I do see that she was working on something when I interrupted her, but that’s not the pressing matter at hand. We sit down across from each other at a table and she asks me what this is all about.

“I want to talk to you about Spike.” Rarity shifts a bit in her seat and tentatively motions for me to continue. “I’m not going to beat around the bush here. You are an attentive mare, and the idea of you not noticing his affection for you is ludicrous. That said, you don’t seem to return this affection or say anything about it.”

“Well, I told you there’s this stallion-”

“And you will tell me about him later. I don’t see you having any troubles with the way other ponies have their relationships, so I’m going to assume you have no issues with polygamy. The fact that you would have this guy and Spike wouldn’t really be a problem.”

“Actually, usually it’s more mares per stallion-” I give her a hard glare and she shuts up.

“Furthermore, you don’t seem to have a problem with interspecies relationships, so him being a dragon is also a moot point. As well, according to multiple accounts, Spike has been enamored with you since he met you, and I’ve heard of many nice things he’s done for you without asking a single thing in return. Am I correct?”

“Yes, he’s been very kind and generous to me.” Rarity admits.

“So what I don’t understand is why you go chasing after this other stallion when Spike has shown multiple times that he’d be good to you. I want you to fix this little problem.”

Rarity looks aghast. “You are forcing me into a relationship with Spike!?”

“No, I want you to tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms. If you like him in the same way, say so to his face. If you don’t want him, then tell him rather than just letting him keep doing this in futile hope that you’ll reciprocate, when really you are just using his love for you to get favors.”

“I have done no such thing!”

“Then why don’t you just go tell him you aren’t interested?”

“B- but that could crush him! I don’t want to-”

“He came to me asking advice on what to do about you. He seemed pretty darn crushed already when I told him about the other guy-”

“You told him?”

“The way I see it, he has a right to know about someone he will have to compete with. He’s stuck with you for years and he’s just tossed aside for some random guy he’s never met and you don’t even tell him, knowing full well how much he likes you? That’s just low, Rarity.”

“But you don’t understand-”

“I understand that Spike should be told if you really like him or not. Whether he’ll be sad about it or not isn’t a problem, at least then he’d know he’s been wasting his time and can focus on finding someone who’ll actually love him back, or being told that all his years of kindness will actually be paid off. Being denied your love will hurt him, but the more you lead him on before telling him just makes it worse. I’ve been in that relationship! I don’t want to compare you to Kelly because I have hope that you aren’t as bad as she was, but...”

I cringe. I hadn’t said that name in years. “When I learned the truth, yeah it felt awful, but I got over it in time. I’ve moved on and she became just another page. Maybe part of me wants Spike to win because I want to see what would have happened if Kelly really did like me back, but... You need to tell him either way. Now the question: Why have you not told him what you think of him?”

“I- Ah...” She slumps down a bit, turning away. “A long time ago, when I was little, I had a crush. Now, this was definitely a little filly’s crush on an adult, but I didn’t understand the... problems inherent with that. I decided to try being closer to him and... well, he let me. It’s something that was later found out, and it’s been a very dark bit of my past. I suppose I’ve never told Spike one way or another is because I don’t want to hurt his feelings... but I don’t want to be that stallion, either.” She shakily levitates a teapot over, and begins pouring herself a cup of tea. Even with her magical grip shaking, she doesn’t spill a single drop.

“Yes, I can see the trouble, but it wouldn’t be the same. Sure Spike is inexperienced and immature, but as far as I’m aware, sixteen is perfectly fine for pony courtship, right? So pedophilia wouldn’t be a problem.”

“W- wait, sixteen?” Rarity blinks several times. “But- he’s always calling himself a baby drag-”

“A species that lives hundreds upon hundreds of years, possibly reaching the hundreds of thousands in some cases. Yeah, sixteen would be a baby dragon. But not a baby by the standards of other species.”

Rarity sets down the teacup without taking even a sip. “I- I didn’t-” She face-hooves and groans. “Oh Rarity, you should’ve thought!” Both of her hooves now cover her face, and lets loose another groan of frustration as she berates herself in third-person.

“It’s alright, granted he doesn’t look that big, but dragons age pretty slowly if they’re going to end up that old. Heck, I’d expect Spike to outlive me and I’m a living star! But in the end, all he’s missing is experience with the world. Also, I thought it would be obvious. Twilight hatched him when she was a child. He can’t possibly be any more than ten years younger than her, right?”

Rarity’s shoulders sag, and she rubs her face with her hooves, mussing her hair up. She doesn’t seem to notice or care, and I can see that several hairs have strangely jumped out of position from the rest of her mane. She’s getting literally frazzled and looks in pretty bad shape. I sigh. “I guess you don’t have to say anything to him today but... he should know eventually. Also, he should meet this other guy as well.”

Rarity looks up, a guilty expression on her face revealed from behind her hooves. “Well, you see... I’ve never actually met him in person. I’ve been wanting to, but...” She sighs. “I don’t know what to feel now. I-” she pauses for several seconds, then looks directly into my eyes. “I need to ask you to leave, please. I have several orders to fill, and I think best when I’m working.”

I take the hint and leave, figuring heading to the library would be bad. Granted I didn’t learn anything informative, but letting something slip might make things worse. Spike really does need a bit more world experience... though I’m probably not the best to do that, and Twilight’s pretty sheltered too. I think over who would be a good person to take Spike to as a sort of ‘tutor’, but none come to mind.

Probably a parent, but the only couple I know that has kids are Berry and Stoic. Not sure how appropriate that would be as Noi and Ruby are still pretty young...

I wander around town a bit, trying to think of a pony I know who could give Spike a few lessons on how the world works, not just what he reads about the world in books.

I find myself wandering through an area with less shops and more random houses. There’s also a spot where a house would be, but instead is completely cleared, with the only thing in the lot a huge slab of stone. The stone has some sort of silvery metal laced through it, which is really pretty. Could this be a headstone? I wonder what a pony cemetery would look like as I walk closer to the slab to sate my curiosity of what it says, if anything.

When I get to it, I actually see my alias written at the top of it, followed by dozens of random words, either in singles or pairs. As I try to puzzle it out, I look down, and see that there’s dead, dry flowers at the base. Scratching my head, I sit down in front of the slab. The monolithic slate bears around thirty word sets, and a hodgepodge of bricks make up the base. I don’t get it.

I look closer at the slab, trying to make sense of the word salad. They must have some meaning... right? Unless this is a victory monument for me and some crazy came over and carved a bunch of crap onto it... But no, the words are all carved in to the same degree as my moniker, and in the same carving style. Then, something clicks. All the words are actions, events, or objects. Lily White, Saw Dust, Heavy Strike...

They’re all pony names. My eyes dart up to the name I’d given these ponies, and see that there’s a prefacing. “A Hero can only save so many.”

What? Waitaminute... Are these. These ponies are dead? One’s that I didn’t rescue or help? Jeez... I expected a heroic statue or a plaque or a giant mountain of candy... not a ‘failure’ list!

Scowling, I stand up, and feel a slight ‘crunch’ as one of the bricks shifts. I look down, and see that the brick, partially broken, has a tiny fleck of blood on it. Are... are these from the houses destroyed? Fucking hell, that’s just morbid!

I mean, I know I’m not exactly a saint but... I’m on their version of the Wall of Shame!? I didn’t do that bad... did I? I think over how many ponies are in Ponyville, and try to remember how big the crowd was when I had the town gathered for my announcement. There wasn’t more than maybe a hundred and fifty ponies... thirty is a pretty big chunk of that. The thought leaves a heavy, painful lump in my chest.

“Do they... really think I don’t care? That I...” I think back. Aside from the demon, pretty much all my fights have been for my own safety. Sure I’ve played hero a bit but... Do they really blame me for all these ponies I didn’t do anything about?

First Rarity and Spike, now this... this is turning into a hell of a downer for a holiday of love. I think... I think I need to go play some music. Maybe just for myself, maybe not. I’ll decide when I get to the stage.

Walking off towards the park at a slow pace, I try to untangle my feelings. Earlier, ponies were freaking out and leaving because I was singing dark songs, but all the while, they had put up such a morbid monument in town.

Finally, I reach the stage itself, my feet stepping heavily on the steps until I reach the top. I look around, and see that a few ponies are already here, and more have taken interest in me taking the stage once more. Taking up the Lyre again, I think for a moment, and a song I think fits for the ponies themselves comes to mind.

Yeah... I think this works fine. Not dark, but not cheerful. And honest, as far as a song can be and still hold a tune.

I close my eyes and my fingers dance across the strings, chords spilling out like tears. And then, I begin the lyrics.

When the song ends, I open my eyes and take a deep breath, looking out at the ponies. There’s a sort of stunned silence for several seconds, then the fairly large group all cheers and stomps their hooves. Huh, I guess they liked it. My spirit lifts a little, and I think of what to do next. I hear one of the stallions near the front shout ‘something romantic!’ and I grin. I think I have the perfect song next. Not dark, but this’ll totally be great.

Strumming the chords, it certainly sounds much more upbeat. Looks of confusion hit the faces of all the ponies, and I have to stifle a giggle. Still, it seems that their lack of knowledge of the Megaman franchise is making them interpret the whole thing as positive. Heads bob, and smiles flit across the crowd.

I start to worry though. I’m quickly running out of ‘appropriate’ love songs... Glad Hearts and Hooves Day is pretty much over at this point.

I twiddle for a moment, and think of other possibilities. Most of Skillet is ‘too violent’ for them, and I don’t know if there’s anything they’d like out of Disturbed, given that it’s pretty dark or violence-oriented in most cases. Hmm... There’s a few that would be fine, but not fitting the theme...

The ponies have quieted down, and the sun is starting to set. Getting an idea, I decide to give some Abney Park a try. Sleep Isabella isn’t dark, violent, or mocking. And it’s an excellent lullaby to finish off the day, full of fatherly affection... yeah, that should work.

I start off with drumming my fingers on the rim, the Lyre getting the idea and playing the drum line. Then, violins play as I strum the strings once more.

The gentle notes have the entire herd of ponies swaying side to side, and dozens of heads are bobbing to the beat. The mixture of fast beat and soothing lyrics seem to have them entranced, and I briefly wonder if I could hypnotize ponies this way... Eh, I’ll have to try it another time, though I think I have the perfect song to use for that. I like this song too, after all.

Slowly, the notes simply end, leaving the ponies in the audience a bit confused, shaking their heads and looking around. Then comes the applause, and it’s louder than any of my previous successes. Looking around, there’s several groups of ponies hanging out around the actual concert area, listening in but not able to get in from the solid mass of equine bodies in the way. There’s a small stand of seats made of clouds that appeared sometime in the last two pieces, though, with pegasi packed into them.

I decide on a finisher. “Alright, I think this should be the last one. It’s... a little bit depressing, but it sounds pretty nice if you ask me. This one’s called Somebody to Love.”

The lyrics come first, a tiny spark falling from the Lyre, and its influence sheaths my arms as I pour my heart into the song. It’s a beautiful song, especially when the ponies in the audience are fed the lyrics for the backup lines, giving the song the oomph it needs.

Everypony is enjoying the song, many singing along, and some just grinning ear to ear. It’s not an uplifting song, but it feels like one. I suppose they’re more open to the idea of just asking for help in this department. Or something. I need to ask Fluke if he could tell me a bit about pony psychology sometime. There might be some good knowledge for me in there.

Oh well. The song over, I leave the stage and head back home. I think I earned a decent night’s sleep. But that ‘Rock of Failure’ is still nagging at me. Why would a community like this make something like that? They seemed so grateful... maybe I could ask Fluke about that too. Oh well, sleep time now... I barely notice that my arms seem dark for some reason. Eh. They’ll be fine in the morning...

Chapter 124

Slowly, I wake up. My blinds are closed, meaning there’s only a thin sliver of morning sunlight creeping in, and it’s sitting on the floor. I rub some sleep crap out of my eyes, the room going dark for a moment as my hands cover my sight. At least I didn’t wake up a damned pony again. That would’ve been a terrible opener to a day following yesterday. Not to mention Twilight would probably end up with fire ants in her bed this time.

Not feeling up to actually getting up just yet, I just sort of laze around. I look at my wrist, wishing I had a watch. Idly, I can’t help but wonder if ponies even make them. For several seconds, I just stare at my midnight-black arm, trying to figure out how Ponies would use one.

Slumping back in my bed, I heave a sigh. They probably don’t have any, even though it would just be a simple shrink spell on a clock and glue it to a band. I’m pretty sure they can do that. Twi said size spells are easy.

Wait...

I raise my arm back up, seeing a kaleidoscope of stars in the background, as if my arm was just a window punched through to the night sky. I stare at it for several seconds. Am I still asleep? No, I can feel everything just fine. What the hell could do this? I look around the room, and the only likely culprits are sitting on my dresser where I placed them last night; the Lyre and Sword twinkle softly in the low light, but don’t appear at all malicious.

Did I misuse them? Well, I don’t really use the Sword at all. Did the Lyre do it? Maybe I should take them to Luna... but she’ll probably want them back. I can’t just give them up like that, I did make a promise not to give it to anyone. Heck, I signed a contract, bound with my actual name. Knowing how weird stellar magic is, my head might spontaneously combust if I tried!

In a slight panic, I try turning off my Spark, only to find that it’s not responding, perfectly content to remain at a ‘low boil’, to use a cooking metaphor. Okay, last time this happened was... Oh shit! Is there another one of those Star Swallowers? Luna said they were slow, but... What if she’s wrong? What if there’s one coming for me right now?!

On reflex, I slap myself, and it actually does calm me down. Forcing myself to stop hyperventilating and breathe deeply instead, I calm myself slowly. Examining my arms, I see that the starfield effect only actually goes a little past my wrists, and is fading the farther it gets from my fingers.

So what does this mean? I mean, I suppose those constellations would know, but I don’t exactly have them on speed dial. Heck, I haven’t even seen a basic telephone around at all. Not even a rotary dial phone... You’d think that if they could combine technology with magic they’d be pretty far, but they might as well be in the dark ages.

I try snapping my fingers, just to see what happens, and a bright spark of electricity jumps between my pointer finger and thumb with a sharp crack! The tiny actinic flare was a lot brighter than I was expecting, and I have to blink several times before my vision clears of the bright smudge in the middle of it.

Odd, though. I have fire powers too. Last time they mixed it made light because of the electron shells... I’d expect just a generic flash, not electricity by itself. Oh well, weirder stuff has happened. Wait... I can’t use my elemental powers when I’m big...

I attempt to increase my size, hoping it would cancel out the starfield effect. I become around nine feet tall, but I’m shocked to see that my fingers are still in the depths of the starfield, the ‘gloves’ fading at the same proportions as before. The hell going on here?

Can I do both now? I try summoning some flames. If I can become a giant fire monster, I’d crush pretty much anything that stood in my way! Come on... fire! a bright, orangey-green flame bursts into life in my hand, and I smile broadly. I start cackling with joy, and it’s not until I open my eyes at the end, catching my breath, that I see that I’ve shrunk and my fire’s gone out. Aww, the double effect stopped... and the starfield’s gone from my hands. Damnit, that would’ve been super useful!

Oh well, I still have my powers in general, so no big problems I guess. I still would like to know why they don’t mix though. Also, why did getting the deep starfield let me mix them? Shaking it off, I decide to just get up and do something. I’m not getting back to sleep, at least, so I might as well keep myself entertained.

So color me surprised when I step outside and see a large, expectant-looking crowd of ponies, more than half of which with little cards in their hats labeled ‘PRESS’. How cliche can you get? Was the concert last night really this goo- oh, right, Fluke said he was going to send reporters to me. I didn’t think he meant forty or fifty of them, I just expected two, three at the most...

“Well, I’d offer to let you in, but I’m not sure there’s enough room in here for all of you. Also, you’re all from one newspaper, right? Famous or not, did you really need to assemble an army?”

“Ah, actually, I’m from the Manehattan Times.”

“Horseshoe Bay Reporter.”

“Canterlot Sun!” this one got a large number of dirty looks from the other reporters.

Another is about to plug his corporate spawning tube, but I interrupt them. “I signed up for the New York Times or whatever you call it. I figured that I’d only be seeing the people I asked to see, not a bunch of newshounds trying to gain favor by the weird action of annoying me.”

“Well, ah, y’see, we at the Sun Weekly, er, also saw the invite.”

“Y’mean stole it, you namby-pamby espionage jerks!” one of the other news reporters shout at the Sun reporter. It rapidly begins to devolve into a vague brawl of harsh words, sort-of insults, and lukewarm burns. There’s just enough animosity to feel that they mean it, but they act like they either have minders watching them or they just don’t know how to properly insult someone.

I hear one particularly stupid insult and decide to correct him with better ammo. “No, that’s not how ‘Yo Momma’ jokes work, try ‘Yo Momma’s so ugly her reflection quit.’ or something, jeez!”

More than half the reporters begin an actual brawl to keep the others from writing this down. Holy shit, as if I needed more proof reporters as a whole are lacking notable brains...

“Alright dumbasses, did you come here to expand your joke books, start a bruise collection, or actually interview me?” For the most part, the reporters stop, though the three standing over the Canterlot Sun reporter take the time to kick him one last time before settling back down.

Sighing, I sit down on the front step. I’m not getting anywhere today until I deal with these guys, and I think I’d get in trouble again if I just hospitalized them. Or I’d get a medal, but I don’t want to risk it.

“Alright, ask your first question... and act professional!” I shout the last bit as one of the stallions in the front pulls in a huge lungful of air. He deflates at my yell.

All of the reporters slowly raise one hoof apiece. The pegasi are flying, the unicorns are holding their pads of paper in their magic, and the earth ponies are going cross-eyed from holding the quill in their mouths as they hold the notebook in one hoof... somehow. Thankfully, they’re only hurting physics a little and raising the hoof holding the notebook.

I point at one of them and decide to describe my selection so that I don’t get a ‘he was pointing at me!’ fight. Once I make it clear who gets to ask first, I await his question.

“What do you think of our society?”

“Well, for one, you guys are a little too... what’s the word I’m looking for? Stupid? But I guess it’s not too big of a problem. It’s nice, but I’m not sure if I’m a good fit for the pony lifestyle, even if it is kinda my home now.” A few of the reporters look hurt, but several others are excitedly scribbling this down.

“What’s your relationship to the Elements of Harmony?”

“Well...” I think about it. “Pinkie Pie is probably the closest friend I’ve got around here, Twilight is pretty much my straight-man... Rarity supplies me with clothes for free so I guess we get along fine though it’s a bit rocky at the moment.” ponies immediately begin writing that down, notably the one from the Canterlot Sun. “I haven’t really spent a lot of time with Applejack honestly, and as for Rainbow Dash... No comment.” This gets almost as many enthusiastic scribblings as the comment about Rarity.

“Well, what do you think about them?” asks another pony.

“Hmmm... I guess I get along okay with all of them, but individually... I guess Twilight annoys me the most, but that’s probably just because I live with her. I said before I don’t really have much time spent with Applejack, but she seems nice. Pinkie is easily the most fun of them. Fluttershy is... well I guess at this point I’m kind of her Demon Protection Service. Rarity is a nice mare, but I get the feeling she’s... nevermind. As for Rainbow Dash, again, no comment.”

"What is your favorite food?" a mare in the front questions.

“Crispy bacon, hands down.” I wave dismissively. Not even a real question.

"Can you eat bagels?" a brown stallion in the back asks.

“As long as it’s not made from hay or grass, of course I can.”

"Was that demon a while back coming for you, or just here because of you?" The pony who asks this looks a little nervous, and has been shooting looks all around the entire time.

“Actually according to what he said, he was after Fluttershy, hence her kinda being under my protection.” This makes the pony look less comforted than before.

"The Canterlot Times would like to know, do you have any degrees in law enforcement? Veterinary assistance? Underwater Basket Weaving?" The rapid-fire questions are halted by a raised hand.

“Nope, but I’ve got my GED.” The pony who asked looks confused. Maybe they don’t have high schools?

"Is it true you can't see the color Octarine?"

“I’m not sure. You’ve got different names for things I’m familiar with. Can you describe it?”

“It’s the color magic takes when visible, such as a unicorn’s horn-glow during telekinetic manipulation.”

“No, I can’t. From what I see, each individual pony has a different color to their magic.” This gets a whole lot of confused looks from the assembled ponies.

"What is your species courting rituals like? Is there combat involved, or just a bunch of boring displays?" A pegasus in the back asks, while fluffing up his wings and scooching closer to a mare next to him.

“Depends on what interests the individual target of affection, actually. Some women like guys who are super muscular, others like them smart, you get the idea. There’s no true definition for what makes one guy attractive to everyone.” I pause. “And no, we don’t have any particular mating dance or whatever.”

“You said you can eat both -ugh- bacon and bagels, but can you describe your diet in more detail?”

“Well, eating raw meat is pretty bad for me and can make me sick. I can eat raw or cooked vegetables, though I prefer them cooked. I cannot eat flowers, my body is not designed for eating them, nor hay or grass. Fruit, grain and dairy are fine too, but I like sugar a lot.”

Another pony speaks up, this one significantly younger than the others, though older than the CMC. “Uhm, what’s your favorite color?” the mare’s question gets an eyebrow raise. It’s a bit of a non-sequitur, after all.

“Uh... well, I guess I don’t really prefer one color over another, though I do like dark purple I guess.” The barely-not-a-filly nods and sort of hides behind one of the other reporters.

A larger stallion, with a truly impressive peacock display of a fedora, complete with an impressive ‘PRESS’ card half again as big as the others -I wonder how tiny he is down there, if he’s having to compensate that hard?- speaks up. “Hey, d’you ever plan on goin’ to a real city? Not that this little dump ain’t, eh, ‘nice’, I suppose.” Wow, man, you just insulted the town seven of the biggest heroes Equestria’s ever seen call ‘home'.

“I am going to take a trip to Chicago sometime, but aside from the ponies, I actually rather like it here.” The Canterlot Sun reporter writes this furiously into his notepad.

“What is the extent of your powers?” Ooh, good question little blue reporter-pony.

“I have no idea. I do know that I’m pretty capable though. I’m pretty sure Twi’s got a bunch of notes on my powers somewhere. Never seen ‘em though.”

The little blue reporter mare nods and asks another question. “Hypothetically, could you raise the sun and/or moon in an emergency situation?” This gets a few questioning looks from both myself and the assembled reporters.

“I might, but as far as I know, I don’t have any control over celestial bodies like satellites or other stars.”

“There’s rumors that you recently stole parts of a power set of artifacts. Do you have any comments about this?” The Lyre was given to me more than a year or so ago...

“Yes I have some of them, no I didn’t steal them, I just have them now.”

“Er, what artifacts are they, exactly?” a mare in a bonnet near the back asks. She shifts a pair of wings under a tasteful tan cloak. Not suspicious in the slightest, lady...

“According to who I got them from, they are very important and I’m not sure I should tell anyone who doesn’t know already.” The mare’s expression softens a little, and she nods. Well, I guess she’s with someone in the know then, or something. Maybe a minder from Celestia. Hmm... that reminds me, I need to have a chat with Celestia about watching me like I’m a petulant child. Maybe I can set one of her rugs on fire or something...

“Do you endorse any particular charities?”

“Nope. Unless there’s one that puts money towards giving me candy or something. Maybe build me a statue.” The mare looks like I’d just kicked her puppy. Oh well, sometimes when fishing for answers, all you get is a boot...

“What’s your opinions of the snake-looking human that’s settled in? Myron, wasn’t it?”

“Myrna is a gorgon, a sort of snake/human hybrid. I don’t know how she got here but she’s pretty nice. She did help beat the Smooze thingy that one time.”

The questions continue for another ten, twenty minutes or so, most of them pretty amiable. When the Canterlot Sun reporter tries asking me some overly personal questions regarding Celestia -blegh-, Myran and Anne, I’m saved from getting more community service time as the other reporters tie him up with their neckties and gag him with his own hat. Ah, professionals. The questions kept up for another few minutes, but it seems that they’re running out of meaningful things to ask.

“So I’m getting a little bored of this, but if you guys ever come up with more questions later, I think I’ll tolerate it. Just not today.” The reporters nod politely and begin packing up. They ‘conveniently’ forget to untie the Canterlot Sun reporter, who has to flop and wiggle his way towards the train station. I’m tempted to follow him menacingly, just to see if he goes faster.

Eh what the heck, I’ve got nothing else to do today. I continue to follow the guy, watching him wriggle around. It’s hilarious to watch, especially since he panics when he sees me advancing. Probably from the leer on my face and the fire in my hands. I’m just keeping myself warm, I swear! And he’s funny, so of course I’m grinning. Not my fault said grin is as creepy as possible.

Eventually he tries getting into the train car but fails. I go over and pick him up. I swear he was going to piss himself! I stick him in the train and leave. I wonder what kind of newspaper Celestia’s gonna get tomorrow? ‘Local reporter terrorized’ and ‘Equestria’s Hero a Jerk’ come to mind.

Thinking things over, I decide... well, if I want to go to Chickago, I’m going to want to pack. Sorta. Hmm... I wonder if Anne would like to go with me. I think I’ll ask her today.

Whistling a jaunty tune to myself, I wander off to go entertain myself and get ready to leave in a week or so.

Chapter 125

A few days after the interview, I’m deciding on how to bring the Sword and Lyre. There’s no doubt in my mind that I am bringing them, but I’m not sure if I want to pack the Sword away and hope it doesn’t just follow me anyways. I’d rather not be armed if I can’t use it... so maybe I should give a try? If it’s like the Lyre, my having star powers should make it work for me automatically, right? Or maybe it just does other things? I have no idea what it actually does, come to think of it, beyond the vague description of ‘destroy stuff’. I wonder if I can use it metaphorically and destroy someone’s reputation, or if it only works physically...

Well, what better way to learn things than with some testing? If it can perfect portal guns, it can learn me some sword information, I’m sure.

I head out to the little field behind the library and take out the sword. I have no idea how it is activated, though... well, there’s only about a hundred ways to find out.

As if by magnetism, me stepping out behind the library seems to draw a crowd, the ponies all trying to get a look at the Sword. Hmm, maybe it just draws ponies to it... that’d be a lame power.

I raise the blade high above my head and try some magic words. “Thundercats, Thundercats, hooooo!” this only results in very odd looks.

“Okay then...” I raise my sword again. “By the power of Blockfort!” Nothing... I just lower the sword and shrug. I swish it weakly “Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo?” Still nothing. And the weird looks have become rather... strange.

Twilight, likely trying to figure out why I’m yelling my head off in her backyard, steps outside. “Anthony what are y- Are you trying to activate the Sword again!?”

“Operative word being: ‘trying’!” I yell back and start swinging the sword around randomly to no effect. This gets a few onlookers to facehoof or chuckle. A thought flashes into my mind, a quote from a game my friends played back on earth. Oh, if this works...

“Twilight, I need your help. Come here, I can only do this with your assistance!” Twilight gives me an incredulous look, but steps out. She’s apparently no more impressed with my performance so far than my audience. Suddenly, I straddle her back, getting an awkward yelp out of her. “Now quickly, run me forward! I want to hit the dummy with my Swo~ord!!!” she gives me a look that promises death and/or ponification. I give her my best pouty eyes in return, and she huffs.

“Fine.” She turns towards the dummy and prepares to run by it. Wow, ponies are actually really comfortable to sit on. I need to see if I can get a Fluttershy cushion some time... Anyways, the post that is my target closes in, and I give a yell and aim to swing at the dummy. However, I miss, not even the slightest bit of resistance meeting my blade as we pass, and Twilight trips. I tumble off, standing up by pure fluke. Totally meant to do that. Absolutely.

I turn back to the ‘dummy’ and get ready to try just hacking at it, but I see that I didn’t miss. I went clear through the foot-thick pole, and slashed a foot-wide divot out of the turf beyond it, the cobbles and underlying sediment opened like a wound at least four feet deep. There’s a thin line of molten earth at the bottom, and the edges of the scar are glassed smooth.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

I am a badass! Now how can I use this without destroying surrounding buildings... Eh, they’re fast at rebuilding stuff, not my problem, right? Well, there might be some ponies in them... Oh, wait, the Everfree Forest! I’m suddenly the most dangerous thing there, because I have a firetrucking plasma sword!

I turn to the crowd and point my sword towards the thickest part of the audience. “Fear my power!” Like fish parting before a shark, the crowd of ponies scream and break, running in any direction but towards me. Heh, I think I finally have a way to avoid waiting in lines forever more. I can see why the Constellations don’t want this falling into the wrong hands. My hands must be fine, because using this feels so right!

Happily sauntering off to the Everfree forest -because I’ve earned the right to saunter- I prepare to test my new toy on anything that looks threatening and quite a few trees. By the time I reach the forest edge, I realize I left Twilight behind after she tripped. Ah well, she’ll be fine.

One devastated swath of greenery later, I’m hauling nearly two full cords of wood over to Fluttershy’s house, if only to keep them from going to waste. In the process of acting as a lumberjack, I learned that I can use my Stellar powers such as speed while using the Sword, but as far as I can tell, I can’t use any other powers like growing while I have it unsheathed. That said, the sword-strikes carry either lightning blasts or a whole ton of heat if I put even the slightest amount of will towards either. I blew a few trees to splinters with the lightning trick. Also, as long as it’s out, my arms are in the deep-stellar effect almost to my shoulders, even when I let it go. I accidentally threw it at the end of a swing, and it just teleported back into my hands.

The shy pony greets me kindly when I show up, a full twenty feet tall and bringing the entire load of cut wood to her. She seems a bit flabbergasted as to what she’d use all the wood for, until I point out it’s high-quality wood, and can be hollowed out to make nests and stuff. It’s a nice two or three hours just putting large round log chunks an inch or two into the dirt and burning out the insides to clear them safely. Shy seems delighted and amused after I take the time to use a coal blade to carve some funny faces into a ‘totem pole’ of bird houses. That said, her little shit of a bunny disdains every single thing I do, of course, and I have to resist threatening him with my knife in front of ‘Shy.

“So I’m gonna be leaving for Chickago in a few days, and I was thinking of bringing Anne with me. What do you think ‘Shy? Think she’ll like it, being kinda a bird and all?”

“Oh, uhm... I don’t know, griffons seem really mean.” she whispers the last part and sort of hides under her mane while she rubs a natural sealant into the top of the log she was working with, making sure it doesn’t decay too soon.

“Really? All of them? That seems a bit racist. I met one and sure he didn’t conform to the typical mannerisms of ponies but he seemed pretty nice to me.”

“W-well, they’re always so rude and loud and so violent.” She shakes and shudders under her mane, shivering. Hmm... maybe she just had a bad run-in with a griffon?

“Well, you like cats and birds, right? Griffons are just giant cat-birds who can talk, so what’s the big problem? I figured you’d want to come with me...”

Fluttershy just whimpers and squeaks, shaking like a leaf. Angel bunny, for once not being a dick, hops over to her and pats her head gently.

“Eh, oh well. Enjoy your nest-logs. If you ever need another I can just cut down more of the Everfree. Not like there’s a lack of trees or anything.”

Fluttershy just continues to have her little breakdown. While I’d like to be upset at her overreaction, I can’t help but feel a little bad. She’s certainly been less timid and ‘freak-out’-ish about more dangerous things, so maybe it was a particularly bad run-in with a griffon. I guess I’ll just go in and chat with Anne, then.

I’m not sure if Anne was doing anything when I came in... she was kinda just spacing out. “So I’m going to be heading to Chickago in a few days. Can’t remember if I asked you already, but d’ya wanna come with me?”

“Hmm?” she shakes herself, her feathers clinking musically as she startles. “Oh, sorry, I was kind of dozing there... there’s a bunch of mice living in that wall over there, and I can’t help but be fascinated with them... peeking out, all plump and slow...” she licks her lips, and I don’t think it’s a conscious action.

“You feeling a bit hungry then, I take it? Well, we’d be together in a griffon eyrie for about... two months? I think it’d be interesting to see how another species lives, what about you?”

“Yeah, I’d love to! Most of the ponies around here have a dim view of them though. Apparently, a griffon came through a few years ago, and attacked Fluttershy after insulting everyone and everything in sight for two days straight, and then proposed to Dash. I don’t get it, but apparently it happened.”

“Weird, I know a local Griffon who’s a pretty cool dude. Maybe they just got a bad apple. They can’t all be jerks, and if they are, well, I have ways of dealing with jerks.”

Anne nods. “I think it may have just been a bad apple, but Fluttershy is really torn up about it, from what I hear.”

“I chatted with her about it, and she seems kinda racist against them from what I can tell. Didn’t think Fluttershy could actually hate anyone to be honest... well, you learn something new every day, right?”

Anne just shrugs. “Yeah, I suppose. Oh, I found that I can lift a lot while flying, the other day.”

“Can you carry an entire tree?”

“I think so... it was a really big timberwolf. ‘Shy said it was a timberwolf Alpha.” For some reason, that term brings to mind a fleeting image of something super-big with glowing eyes standing over me. Idunno why, but that does sound impressive.

“Well, I doubt we’d have much trouble fitting in. I’m super-tough, and you’re already a carnivorous bird. Maybe they just have a problem with ponies and we’ll be treated nice... or whatever their version of nice is.”

Anne shrugs, and goes back to staring at the mousehole. Giving the room a quick look-over, I see that the wood under her perch has a number of pits and craters, along with a small hole. All of it looks... melted. Like a piece of metal that had lava dropped on it.

She mentioned having poisonous talons... jeez, guess it’s corrosive too... I feel like I should go. “So, I guess I’ll pick you up when we’re ready to leave. Just make sure you don’t forget anything important.” With that, I leave the harpy to her mousewatching and I leave the cottage.

I see that Fluttershy is working on coating more of the little home-logs, and her eyes look like she’s been crying hard. Anne’s comment comes back to me, ‘...griffon came through a few years ago, and attacked Fluttershy...’ How bad was this ‘attack’, really? I can’t help but wonder, but I don’t think she’ll want to talk about it.

I just leave the place and think of what I want to do next. I don’t really have that much to pack. Heck, most of it I carry around with me anyways. Hmm... I wonder if the Lyre can do anything other play music...

Chapter 126

I’m walking through the town like usual, no real goal in mind. I just keep walking. I come up to the weird headstone again. Huh? I swear it’s not this direction... maybe I just took a wrong turn somewhere. I turn and keep walking the other direction to backtrack... and I end up in front of the stone tablet again. Huh? I could have sworn... I turn a random direction and start walking away. That was creepy. My mind must be playing- Suddenly my face is in the dirt and when I pick myself up I realize I tripped over a rock with a rather familiar shape... The names on the tablet seem to shift to appear on the back as if the tablet is facing me. The fuck? I scramble to my feet and I dash off as fast as I can and when I stop, I’m outside of Ponyville and in a large field... in front of the monument. I stumble back a bit then turn, and I see the same tablet still front of me.

I stare at it and it doesn’t move, just sitting there, inanimate. I kick it but I don’t knock it over, still firmly planted in the ground as if it had been there for months. In a rage, I grow to an enormous size and smash the tablet into the ground. Doing so seems to have really tired me out somehow. I return to my size and as soon as I blink the tablet is there again. Whole. Untouched. As if it’s mocking me.

“Go away!” I yell into the endless expanse of green grass and blue sky. Each time I turn, the tablet appears in front of me, the names just as clear and numerous as ever. I close my eyes to block out the sight, but I can’t seem to keep them closed for long. I wrap my arms around my eyes, but some otherworldly force lowers them, forcing me to stare at the rock. I... I can’t escape... In a desperate attempt to stop everything I ignite and set the ground at my feet on fire. The fire quickly spreads across the field turning into a short, horizon-wide inferno before extinguishing in seconds.

I can’t do anything but scream until my lungs hurt. Suddenly, the fear and heat dissipate, and I’m enfolded in a midnight-colored embrace. As I calm down fully, I realize I’m being hugged by Luna, her wings fully covering everything.

“Shh, Anthony. There is no need to panic.” She slowly lets me go, the tablet seeming to lurk just behind her shoulder.

“Okay... that was so weird. So uh... what are you doing here?” I eye the tablet as it slowly recedes behind the princess.

“I have not seen your dreams in so long, I had begun to think you’d stopped dreaming entirely.”

“So... oh.” I realize this has all been a dream, not real. “Well I guess that explains a few things, but... eh, nevermind. It’s... it’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? What is it that troubles you?”

“Oh, just uh... just a little thing the ponies made. For me, I’m pretty sure.”

“I am not sure I understand. This dream was wreathed with fear, what have my subjects made to trouble you so? Have they been... bullying you?”

“Not really...” I move towards the tablet, with my name at the top and the numerous pony names. “It’s... this. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s like a list of ponies who I uh... failed.”

“Ah, a Monument of Memory. It is always good to remember your failings. Those who do not oft make them again.” She sounds like she’s speaking from experience, and bears a wistful, sad look. “However, I can guarantee you it was not made in anger, nor was it made to degrade or dimunize your accomplishments.” She pauses for a moment. “Perhaps it is something with ponies not shared with humanity, but we have always found it easy to remember heroic deeds and forget the darkness that has not touched us personally.”

“So... it’s a memorial, not a list of failures?” Luna nods, and I can feel the menace of the tablet fade, the dream slowly dissolving to a more normal ponyville day, though the buildings are intermixed with human-styled houses I recognize.

“That’s a relief... I thought it was made to... Idunno, be a sign that I’m not doing a good job as a protector. That I cause more harm than good when I’m trying to help...”

“Never think that. Every hero of Equestria is known by their greatest of deeds to its whole.” she chuckles. “I am sure you have already secured yourself a place in the next century’s history books.”

“So... waitaminute. You showed up because I was having a nightmare? Is that, like a hobby of yours or is it some sort of obligation?”

“I am the Princess of the Night. It is my royal duty to protect and aid those in my care from the nightmares that yet plague this land. As well, I keep the darker creatures that would prey on the sleeping and young from getting a hoofhold in the minds of the innocent.”

“Huh, wow... I just kinda figured you did this ‘cause you could talk to others and you’d have a captive audience since they can’t make you leave...”

“Actually, they are fully capable of making me leave their minds. I am no invading force, and am here at your discretion.” Totally missed the sarcasm.

“Well then... do any of them, y’know, think you’re going to make the problem worse? I mean, There might be a few random people around who still think you’re dangerous. Do you help the ones who hate you as well?”

“Of course I do, unless they request that I do not. It is my duty to help them, but I am obliged by decency not to the force that help on those who wish it not.”

“Heh, have you ever tried making something better and just made it worse? I’m not accusing you or anything, just, y’know. Sometimes they’re kinda funny when you look back on ‘em.”

“I cannot say I have. There is yet to be a time my assistance was not immediately helpful, with the lone exception of a pony whose worst nightmare was, well... the Nightmare. I had to exercise the utmost care and subtlety to aid in rendering that fear to nothing.”

I nod. “So, I’m just guessing here, but are these memorial stone thingies common?”

“Nay. They are for remembering the losses incurred in war or the journey of heroes. They are also for remembering those lost when extreme circumstance and natural catastrophes cause great losses which even the guards and rangers corps cannot but blunt the worst of.”

“So... it’s for them, not me?  Why not have it be in an archive or something, rather than just some stone? Carvings fade in time if not cared for.”

“The stone was likely quarried from where the demon fell, and any decorations taken from the paths of its rampage. Each piece is meaningful to the monument.” she pauses before smirking cooly. “And when is the last time you saw a pony other than young Twilight Sparkle engage in a, what is the term, ‘archive raid’?” It’s ‘archive binge’, but I’ll let it slide.

“Heh, yeah. But there’s so much about this world I don’t understand, and sometimes I feel like... like it’s trying to change me. But I don’t want to change!”

“And yet, Anthony, you have already changed.” She gently places a wing behind me, and speaks softly. “When first you came to this world, you entered as a human, but you have already found that you are now a star in heart and form. Where once you would rage like a petulant child over such minor frustrations, you now take the time to plan. Usually for a prank, I must admit, but thinking before action is an improvement.” she draws me into a one-winged hug. “You are growing into a more mature being, and that is change. It will happen simply from living, Anthony. You need not fear it so.”

“Alright, but if I start walking on all fours and eating flowers, please, shoot me through the head.”

Luna giggles. “Now, now, where else would we find such a delightful goat?”

“Goat!?” I feel quite insulted, but I can’t think of anything to say. “Goat!?”

“Well, I suppose you might end up a sheep if that comes to pass, but a goat at least would make a decent gardener.”

“...alright, I’ve had enough. I don’t care if it’s two in the morning, I’m waking up now.”

Several seconds of awkward silence pass.

“Any second now.”

Luna coughs politely. “Er, if you would wish me to go, I can. I did not mean to trouble you so...”

“Sure. Just, uh, waking up. Right about... now! Or, maybe, now. Now?” Luna slowly edges back as I begin shouting ‘Now!?’ over and over again. When she finally leaves, I stop, and lean back. The dream is almost perfectly blank, just the street, the houses, and a vague haze for a sky. Hmm... I wonder what I can do in a dream?

The answer is: Just about anything, but it gets boring once I tire of making pink weasels and tiny penguins dance for my amusement...

Waking up the next morning, I yawn and stretch, and look around. I’ve got the rest of today, and then it’s off to Canterlot with Anne, and then to Chickago once I’ve had a ‘pleasant chat’ with Sunbutt.

Once we arrive at the Canterlot train station, I inform Anne that she can just wander around and check the place out as long as she doesn’t get lost. And that the Canterlot ponies are kind of jerks.

I approach the throne room and phase my way through the large ornamental doors. I address the solar princess sitting on her throne, who seems to be lost in thought. I decide to make myself known.

“Something on your mind, Celestia?” She startles and looks up to see me, relaxing. “I would like to speak with you... off your throne. We shall speak as equals.” Celestia rolls her eyes and stands up, walking down the small steps towards me.

“What is it that you want Anthony?”

“I wish for clarification. Why did you decide to make me a criminal?”

“I did not make you a criminal, I merely gave you sentence for-”

“Protecting your people.”

“No, for assaulting somepony-”

“Who was committing a crime. You got to speak your piece during my ‘trial’, now it’s my turn.”

Celestia glares, but then she softens up “I suppose that’s fair.”

“Now then, Celestia. Let me explain the way I see things. I saw a pony attempt to commit a crime. I stopped him before the crime could be committed, preventing the issue. Despite the means which I used, a storekeeper was not stolen from because of my actions. And for this, I am punished.”

Celestia opens her mouth to protest but I hold up my hand. “Wait you turn.” She sighs and I continue. “Just because you disagree with my methods of keeping your people safe, I am considered a law-breaker. Why? My goal is to help them, as is yours I assume. The difference is, I’m better at it than you are.”

“Are you here to demoralize me? Usurp my throne?”

“Why would I want the headache of leading these idiots? No, I’m just telling you that you should be respectful of someone who helps the people you care so much about. Violence aside, I get results and keep them safe. Can we agree on that?”

Celestia hesitates, but nods and I continue. “I should have heroic immunity, especially since I help your ponies more than you do. Frankly, I can’t recall the last time there was a problem that you did anything about. It’s been me doing all the work. You don’t take action, I do. You just sit there and do nothing, waiting for the issue to be resolved and then you pass judgement.”

“You are calling me weak?” Celestia is looking absolutely pissed.

“No, and that’s the problem.” At Celestia’s confusion , I explain. “You are thousands of years old. You have the knowledge and wisdom of ages gone by, and more power than I could possibly dream of. And yet you don’t do anything with it. You don’t go out and help others, you just sit there and let the crimes be committed. I take action, and I’m punished?”

“You don’t understand wha-”

“No! You listen to me. I have not once seen you do anything at all. Ever. I try and fix the problem before any negative consequences arrive. You would just let the criminals keep doing what they do until you finally decide to do something, but that doesn’t fix what they’ve done.”

“That’s not true, you have no idea what I’ve-”

I glare back. “How many ponies did Rook kill before you did anything about it?” Celestia’s eyes go wide in shock and she stammers. “How many? How many ponies had their families broken by that monster before you took action? If it were me, I’d have found that bitch as soon as it started and killed her, then nobody else would have had to die and you wouldn’t have had to nuke an entire city. The problem is, you’re stronger and smarter than me, so why didn’t you stop her before she started her killing spree?”

“Well-”

“My methods are harsh, but I actually do something about the problems. I’m just doing what I do so that your people don’t have to live in fear. If you want to label me a criminal because of that, make me public enemy number one of the entire planet, go ahead. I’ll still clean up the messes for you anyway, so you can still just sit there like always, except ponies will be safer.”

Celestia is actually flaming with anger, her mane a stark orange, white-hot flames leaping from her coat. “Shut up! You have no idea what you are talking about! I’ve made plenty of sacrifices for my ponies!”

I just laugh. “Yeah, make me shut up. I’m annoying you, so make me be quiet by attacking me. Just like I would do.”

The princess winces and cools off, but she still looks very angry. I turn away. “If you want me to not do it anymore, fine. You can handle the next demon that comes through. Then every second you stay there on your throne, all the ponies it kills, will be your fault. These ponies treat you like a god and yet you do nothing to support that belief. I think what they need is to just once, see their god bleed.”

“You... want to fight me?”

“No, not today. Right now I’m giving you a choice: Either be the great protector you have the power to be, or stay out of my way.” With that, I phase out of the throne room. I startle a few guards who were listening in through the door. I ignore the armored meat shields. That’s another thing. With all the power she supposedly has, why does she even need guards?

I shake my head and make my way to find Anne, then the train station. Chickago, here I come.

On the way to the train station, a runner in a light version of the Guard’s armor gallops up, puts a piece of paper in my hands, then gallops off. Eh, I’ll read it later, especially since it has Celestia’s mark on it. If she wanted to apologize for being a bitch, she could have done it sooner.

Let's go and met the griffons

Leaning back in my awesome, free first-class seat, I can’t help but smile. Anne seems to have gotten used to the seats as well, although she’s perched on the back of one like a hawk watching a meadow.

Turning to her, I decide on some small talk. I figure I might as well brush up on that, considering she’s in the running for my affections... we’ll have to talk sometime, right?

“So, Anne, uh... how have you been?” Man, I am rusty at small talk. Still, she turns, smiles and responds.

“Oh, things have been pretty fine lately. I think Fluttershy’s still hoping we get together. I’ve seen her working on some rather... large nests. Also, did you know she knits?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen her do it... once. And does she really expect us to have, like, a bird nest? You’re still pretty human, so why not just a house? I think she spends too much time with those animals.”

“I think it’s because I keep making ‘nests’ out of the blankets she gave me. They’re so comfy, and let me rest my, ah, chest problems. I think they’re hand-quilted by Fluttershy. Or, hoof-quilted, I suppose.” We both get a chuckle out of her verbal stumble.

“So you mentioned that you were uh... smaller back on Earth? What do you think caused your chest to, uh, explode?”

“Idunno. I woke up in that ‘Wonderland’ place, and I was like this. though, I think they were smaller then, and they may have grown during my time there. Which is a little weird, given that I wasn’t eating at all.”

Girls eating makes their breasts bigger? Well, I guess you learn something new every day. “So were you also taller or is you being short a normal thing?”

She blushes and gives me a somewhat harsh look, hiding behind her feathers as she yells at me. “I’m not short! Everyone else is just too tall!”

“Wow, we talk about your boobs suddenly turning into watermelons and you’re fine, but mention height and you explode... well, I’ve met weirder people. And as for the ‘short’ thing, I know it’s annoying, I dealt with it for quite a while.”

“... I actually got taller here.” Wait, taller? She’s, like, five-foot-two!

“So... genetics, bad luck, or were you cursed? Being short isn’t a problem but... damn woman!”

She sighs, and slumps slightly on her perch, her wings going back to her sides. “Both my parents are at least five-foot-six, and I had two older brothers, who were both at least six-foot-something. My parents teased me a bunch, like parents do, but I got made fun of in school for it. I actually used to be almost short enough to be medically a midget.” she looks downcast.

“Well, uh... you’re not anymore, right? Here in Equestria you’ll be considered fairly average height for a biped... I think.”

She sighs again, and shuffles down until she’s on the seat, hunkering down like a chicken. She leans over, and puts her head on my shoulder. “Yeah, I guess... you’re still taller than me, and Myrna is so huge... not in a fat way, though! I just mean... how big do you think she’d be if she still had legs?”

“Beats me, lots of things change when you get morphed with another animal. Especially non-mammals. Speaking of, this might be a bit far but... what kind of ‘equipment’ do you have? I know lots of birds have a cloaca and-”

Anne shuts me up with a ringing, stinging slap across the face, her own a solid blue-green. I reach up to touch my face as I feel something wet, and pull my hand back to find it’s covered in blood. Almost immediately, Anne’s demeanor shifts, and she starts apologizing profusely.

“I-m s-so sorry! I d-didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry!” She’s shrunk back in her seat, and she looks horrified. It’s just a few cuts in my face, which are beginning to sting, but I don’t feel hanging flaps of skin or anything, so they obviously aren’t that bad.

“If your wings are poisonous too, this is going to be one very unpleasant trip for you, fair warning.”

She squeaks and hides under her wings, looking like she wishes she could die. Judging by the noises she’s making, that might be an accurate assessment of her opinion of herself. I’ll admit, I may have possibly totally deserved that slap, but now she’s freaking out.

“My problem isn’t with what you did... okay it kinda is, but you could have just said ‘too far’ and I’d drop the subject. Not my fault for being curious what sort of anatomy changes are made when you become a hybrid!”

She meeps softly from under her wings, slowly spreading some feathers to peek out from behind. She looks like she’s crying... damnit.

“Although I can’t fault you for that reaction, it was a little uncalled for, especially when you are covered in metal blades. Next time you have a problem, we’ll just talk it out. If we can agree on that, I’ll forget this ever happened... once I stop bleeding.” She nods her head from inside her screen of bronze feathers.

After a quick look-around for a first-aid kit, we get my face bandaged up, Anne’s feathers working excellently as a mirror. No more than an hour later, we’re arriving at our stop, and we grab our stuff and step off the train. I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting the sight that greeted me.

A series of tall, tree-like spires rise like skyscrapers, a tangled mass of wood, stone, and steel. A wall appears to surround the town, easily more than eighty feet thick, though I realize that can’t be what it is when I see griffons and pegasi flying into and out of holes in the sides of the ‘wall’. The midst of the city is split by a river, emptying into the sea, and boat ply across it. The ground is choked with species going about their day, the traffic so incredibly dense that there’s aerial lanes that have developed traffic. Above the spire-like buildings is a thick layer of cloud cover, and from here I can spot architectural designs, the clouds themselves another layer well above the city that continues to support more lives.

I hear Anne whistle beside me, appreciative of the odd level of normalcy the city exudes to us earthlings. I can’t help but echo the sentiment, though I’m not as adept at whistling as she is.

“So, this is where we’ll be staying for two months. I kinda expected it to be, Idunno... inside a mountain or something with a bunch of individual rooms carved into a sort of networking tunnel system with a whole bunch of outside access...”I turn to Anne. “What were you expecting?”

“Uhm, well... I’ve been to Chicago. And this... this looks rather like it. Other than the wall, that is.” She looks around, her feathers fluffing up somewhat.

That gets me thinking. “So if Manehattan looks like Manhattan and Chickago looks like Chicago... a lot of these places are based on Earth places. What’s Ponyville supposed to be?”

“Uhm... Nowhere, Illinois? It’s a real place...”

“Yeah, but isn’t Illinois like, really hot? Oh these ponies and their weather control is just confusing. Anyway, let’s figure out where we’ll be staying. I don’t think sleeping outside will be as comfortable as back home. Er, I mean in Ponyville.”

Anen nods in agreement, and we start off towards the city at large, trying to find somewhere to rest our heads for the night. Almost instantly, we’re surrounded by a bubble of open space, and we catch more stares than I’ve received literally anywhere. Worse, Anne seems to have disappeared, so I appear to be alone. The general hubbub of the city is overridden nearby me, a susurrus of quiet murmurs slides through the air, and I can see ponies and some ground-bound griffons looking over the crowd to get a glimpse of me.

The problem is, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I’m getting all this attention. Is it because I’m famous but never actually been here so I look weird... or am I just weird in general? I just give a short wave. “Uh, hi.”

The whispers continue, until one of the members of the crowds asks a tentative question. “D- did something happen you need to take care of?”

“Uh, no. I’m just looking for a place me and my uh, friend can stay for a few months...”

“Friend?”

“Few months?”

“Will you have my foals?!” I nearly jump out my skin as the mare shouting this latches onto my side, having sprung out of the crowd with no warning.

“Jeez lady are you high!?” I yell trying to yank her off of me. Ponies are strangely adept at staying attached to things, unfortunately.

Almost immediately, she gets hauled off of me by a glow of orange-red magic, and I breath a relieved sigh. Then, the unicorn who saved me latches onto my hip in the other’s place, shoving her muzzle into my stomach. “He’s mine, nags!” she shouts into my belly, tickling a little as I try removing her instead.

“What is with all you damn xenophiles!?” I Spark Up and turn intangible and rush through of the crowd trying to get away from all the crazy mares.

Magical lassos and nets form all around me, forcing me to phase through them and all the ponies and griffons in my way, most of who squawk in indignation. I reach an alley, and phase back into tangibility, if only to catch my breath. All those magical fields actually did slow me, and I could feel myself tire with each one. Maybe they had some kind of draining effect on them, or something. I shudder, and turn around to try sneaking out. In the front of the alley is two earth ponies and a unicorn, all mares, and all grinning nastily.

Before I can do anything, I’m suddenly lifted into the air, and I have to blink several times to realize there’s a set of metallic talons gripping my shoulders as I ascend. The ponies below, however, apparently still can’t see who’s raising me into the air, and must think I’m just flying away under my own power. Smirking, I strike a pose, as if standing in mid-air. Idunno how effective it is, but at least we’re not at ground level anymore.

Eventually, we arrive at a chunk of cloud about two stories up, and Anne sets down, putting me down on her lap to make sure I don’t fall through. It’s a bit weird, because her lower legs are really solid, while her thighs are actually rather cushiony... I hope that’s not a weird thought to have.

“And that is why I’m not a fan of hanging around random ponies.”

Anne nods, holding me with her wings. “I can understand, that was awful.”

After some time spent just hanging out on the cloud, a griffon flaps up and sets down on the cloud. “Hey, watcha doin’ here? This ain’t your cloud! Buzz off!”

I quickly apologize. Fighting hawks or lions are not high on my list of things to try and this thing is both. “Sorry, I just... I was trying to get away from those insane ponies. You know where I could go to keep them away from me?”

“Don’t care, wing offa my cloud!” The griffon puffs up, a bit of feathery mane floofing into view, a bit like a peacock’s feathers.

“Uh yeah, no problem. Come on Anne, let’s find a rooftop or something.”

Anne carefully lifts me off, the griffon still glaring at me like I’d kicked his mother. We finally find what looks like a fourth-story entrance hall on one of the wood-stone-steel towers, and land. The pegasus bellhop looks at me, and looks a bit stunned, but doesn’t miss a beat.

“Greetings, sir, and welcome to the Drake Hotel! How may I help you, Mr. Anthony sir?” The stallion sounds a little reedy and a bit young, not to mention enthusiastic.

“I was just looking for a place to stay for a month or two. Just a place to sleep for two, is all we need.”

The bellhop beams at me, and sticks his chest out a little. “Well, you’ve come to the right place! This is one of the finest hotels in Chickago, and the rooms are as little as two-hundred bits a night. I’m sure you can manage that as a hero and all.”

I almost face-palm as I realize the one thing I forgot to pack. Money. Which I don’t have... ‘cuz I haven’t needed it. Crap.

“Uh well, I’m not that rich, I’m looking for someplace with just a place to sleep. No offense but this place is a bit above what I’m looking for. Do you know of anywhere more... minimalist?”

The look of crushing disappointment on the colt’s face is heart rending, but he shifts a little and soldiers on nonetheless. That’s a hell of a lot of discipline, I’ll admit. “Uhm... there’s the Inn at Lincolt Park downtown. Uhm, lemme see if we have a map in here...” He rifles through a small stand, finally coming back with a small, folded pamphlet under his wing, before extending it to me with a flick of the feathers I can’t quite see in full. Either way, I take the folded map, and look it over. The colt points to a spot on it. “Right there, and it’s at least alright. Just, uhm, get your food from somewhere else.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t planning on spending much on food. I can make do without it, but thanks for the tip.”

The bellhop smiles and nods. “I’m glad to be of assistance, sir! I wish you well on your travels.”

As Anne and I try our best to reach our destination while avoiding large open areas and just flying if we can’t, I make a pact. “Next time I go on a trip, I’m bringing Twilight so she can turn me into a pony. This is fucking ridiculous.” It doesn’t help that I keep losing track of Anne whenever something actually happens.

When we finally reach the hotel, we’re able to get in and get to the main desk before I’m spotted and bring about another stampede for my manly bits.

“Didn’t even think living in a place with open sexual acceptance of someone despite background or race would be so annoying!”

The receptionist looks blandly up at me, a griffon female in a cheap-looking suit. “You here for a room?”

“Yeah, two months in a room for two if you can do that.”

The griffoness raises an eyebrow, and regards me with vague disinterest, like a ca- right, half lion. “Two months? Fifty bits a night, half paid in advance.” Owch... and this is a cheap hotel? Oh, wait, it’s a hotel. Hotels always charge a bunch per night.

“So...” I do the math in my head. A month is about thirty days, so that’s sixty days times fifty... “three hundr- no, three thousand bits? Half up front?” I sigh heavily. “I can’t do that I’m afraid. Ah screw it, I’m making this trip two weeks.”

The griffon shrugs. “Whatever you like. Three-fifty up front, three-fifty when you check out. If you check out after noon on the last day, an additional day will be added to your charge.” She slides over a ledger, and Anne sighs, pulling out a large purse from her luggage. I hadn’t even realized she’d strapped it to her back.

From the bag comes several large, silvery-looking metal coins, and the griffon picks one up at random. A quick claw-scratch later, and the griffoness is tucking the proffered coinage into a drawer. I sign my name and Anne’s, and the receptionist offers me a key with ‘Rm. 507’ on it. I’m informed by the building map next to the stairs that each floor is another hundred, with the first floor being... the top? The building’s only fourteen stories tall, so that’s pretty high up... and it’s stairs all the way. Damnit...

After getting the workout of my life, I decide that after this trip, I’m swearing off stairs. I’m gonna teach these idiots how to build a flippin’ elevator!

We get to the room, and I go to collapse onto the bed, when I realize... it’s the bed. Singular. I thought I asked for a room for two-

Oh. Probably should’ve clarified ‘two separate people’.

Still, at least this bed’s large enough for me to actually lay down on, without anything dangling off. I’ve seen the beds being sold at Matresses and Lumber Nails and those things are tiny.

“So... do we sleep in shifts, or do we find some way to decide who gets the bed each night?” I pause. “Or we could try and share it. Fair warning though, I move around in my sleep.”

Anne blushes and looks away. “Uhm, I’ll be fine, there’s a balcony, and I can just sleep on the railing.”

“Alright, I guess that works. So now that we have a place to stay, what are we gonna do for two weeks? I know I should, y’know, mingle with the griffons but I don’t want to spend any more money, so gatherings that need payment are out...”

“Well, I’ve noticed that most of the griffons I’ve seen so far are all on the upper stories and such. I think... I think we need to get your shoes enchanted so you can walk on clouds, and then we can go cloudwalking.”

I’m not a fan of the mental image I have drawn for myself. I imagine myself falling over and staring down at the ground miles below, dangling from my shoes still on top of the cloud. I shrug and give fate the finger. “What’s the worst that could happen? Aside from accidental pancaking.”

“I’d never let you fall.” Anne says, suddenly hugging me.

“Sure, and you’d never slap me with an arm covered in bladed feathers...” She meeps, and starts to draw away.

“I’m just saying accidents happen, so don’t be surprised if this ends up with you having to peel me off the ground with a squeegee.” Anne looks up at me, an utterly unamused look on her face. Eesh, tough crowd... “So where would we go to get my shoes enchanted? Hopefully it’s cheap.”

“I... don’t actually know. But I’m sure we can ask around! And until then, we can go see places that are simply elevated, not on clouds.”

“Yep, then once I can walk on clouds I only have to avoid pegasi. Seriously, the whole deal with being like a huge sex magnet is... a lot more disturbing than you’d think. That and these ponies have no shame at all.”

Anne nods. “Uhm, I’m rather tired from flying around so much. And it’s looking like it’s getting dark outside, though the clouds everywhere make it hard to tell... anyways, would it be alright if we went to sleep? Or, at least, I can?” As she finishes her statement, a gentle rain begins outside, the droplets rapidly increasing in size and ferocity over a rather short period of time.

“Sure. Meeting some griffons can wait for tomorrow. Are you sure you’ll be fine on that railing?”

She looks unsurely at the beginning downpour, the vertical flood obscuring the world outside within the minute. “Not as sure as I was when I suggested it.”

“Well, as long as you try not to get all stiff and metal-y in your sleep, you can sleep with me. There might be enough room here if you, Idunno, lay on top of me or something.” Anne blushes vividly at the suggestion, and sort of picks her way over to the bed. It’s probably wide enough for us both, really, but she’s just so cute when she’s flustered. And that blue blush she gets is pretty. And cool.

The bronze harpy slowly works to tuck the main blanket around herself, forming a large, nest-like formation on roughly half the bed, tucking herself in without anything on top. Still, she looks comfy, even if the nest is a little big for her. There’s room enough for me to lay on the bed, too, so that’s a plus.

One strange thing about the bed, I notice, is that it’s definitely made for someone bigger than I am. Maybe griffons are bigger than they look...

I wonder what gaining trust from the griffons will take? Fluke said a lot has to be beaten into them, so maybe I just have to prove myself capable in a fight with one. Or I have to be nice even when they’re pissy and they’ll accept that... Probably should have read up on griffon culture before coming here. Oh well, I’ll find out I guess.

Deciding to lounge about, I work on resting my legs. Almost immediately, I’m falling asleep on the bed, too tired to do anything but sleep.

I wake slowly, curled up a bit. The bed is warm, and it takes me a bit of time to realize that’s because I’ve curled up under Anne’s nest of blanket. Anne herself is also curled up, though inside her nest, and still asleep. Outside, it’s still dark from the downpour that’s still going on. Jeez... I wonder if there’s just no regulation on the weather here, or something. Why is normalcy so annoying?

A brief crack of thunder accompanies a lightning flash. I sigh, because it’s comfy where I am, but I need to get up and move. Also, I probably shouldn’t go anywhere without Anne with me. The place is really new and big so getting lost is a big problem. Speaking of Anne, I don’t get the whole ‘nest’ thing. I mean sure she’s kind of a bird now but that just doesn’t look comfortable. She’s basically flopped over the side of it, but her body from the waist down is off to the side. She’s basically got a ninety-degree bend and a ninety-degree twist in her, and she’s sleeping like it’s the only natural position.. And people say normal girls are a mystery...

Still, thinking back on yesterday, I have to admit that she was pretty impressive. She was hauling me around for most of the afternoon and evening, and she wasn’t even particularly winded until we had to go up the stairs.

Oh well, I guess when it comes to women, I’m a weirdness magnet. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with her or Myrna, but... I guess once I started being able to light on fire and become taller than most buildings, ‘normal’ is pretty relative. I give Anne a light shake, hoping that’s all I need to wake her.

She snorts a little, and shifts so I’m getting a picture-perfect cleavage shot, but doesn’t wake up. Her chin is actually resting in her cleavage in place of a pillow. Another brief flash of lightning paints her in stark relief for an instant, the thunderclap close on the lightning’s heels.

I’d leave a note or something, but I don’t have anything to write with or on... though I doubt finding me would be that difficult. Besides, we kinda have to come back here every night anyway so we do have a meeting place. Although my purpose of being here is to see what griffons are like, and given the current weather, everyone’s probably inside. So what can I do until the rain stops?

I ponder the possibilities, but don’t come up with anything that would last more than a minute or two. I miss video games... I wonder how long they’ve had arcade cabinets, hopefully they wise up and invent the Game & Watch or something.

Slowly sliding out of bed, I sit up. Stretching and pacing gets me about two hours of boredom, and counting the number of knots in the wood panels buys me another two minutes of preoccupation. Finally, though, I’m starting to boil over. I need to do something. So, I go and look out one of the windows and ‘people’ watch. Looking down, I can see that the streets are still packed, but there’s now a plethora of umbrellas and long coats, along with a few winged types sheltering others.

Looking up, there’s still the ever-present griffon population, but they’re completely shrugging off the rain. From the balcony next to mine, I can see a rain-shrouded shape take off, leaping into the air and flapping away in the torrential downpour.

I suppose I could be outside and stay dry. I can just evaporate the rain away from me, so I’d only be slightly damp... but probably super cold unless I keep the heat up. Why did it have to start raining on the first day, anyways?

I’m broken from my reverie by a yawn behind me. I turn to see Anne stretching as well, and absently rubbing her breasts. They probably hurt from being stretched out into pillows all night long.

“So I’m planning on saying ‘screw it’ and going outside despite the downpouring. Wanna come with?” I ask, returning my attention to the streets below.

“Idunno, it’s really coming down out there. I didn’t pack an umbrella, and I think getting dragged down in this would be worse than when it’s dry.”

“So we stick to the ground. I have a way of repelling any insane mares if they get grabby, and I don’t want to spend the rest of today in this room.”

“Well, if you’re sure...”

“You don’t have to come, I’m just saying I’ve already done everything I can do in this room.”

“No, I’ll come along. Uhm, where should we go?”

“Beats me.” I shrug. “Not here sounds good enough for now.”

Anne shrugs and pulls on a heavier coat, and begins struggling to get on a longer set of shorts. After much hopping around, she has to ask me if I’d help her get her pants on.

“I’m not gonna be your nurse if we end up together. If you have to just deal with skirts and things, then that’s what it’s gonna be.” I say as I help her, having to kneel down a bit, given her relative height.

“Well, I brought skirts, but they’re not that practical in the rain.”

“Fine, fine. Just don’t expect this all the time. People are creative, maybe they have a way for you to put on clothes despite having swords for arms.” Anne looks a little put-out.

Once we’ve gotten clothes on, we head out. Nine grueling flights of stairs later, we’re at the ground floor and we head off. The crowd doesn’t pay us much attention this time, probably because only a few of them have their heads up, instead keeping their gazes downcast under a cavalcade of hats, umbrellas, and newspapers.

The few that notice us are a few griffons that are notably striped. Of them, males and females alike seem maneless, and not a single one of them seems to mind the rain. They’re all bigger than the lion-griffons I’ve seen, though.

I am having less success with my ‘evaporation’ trick than I thought, but it works good enough so I’m not soaked. I think on what I could do in the rain, but none come to mind, so I look for a place where one could just sit down and chat with a random stranger, like a pub or a diner or something.

However, most of the places that the crowd head towards in its surges and flows are usually full businesses. It takes Anne and I at least an hour to wander far enough across the town to run into a less well-kept neighborhood, with several greasy spoons and nearly a dozen bars, and I’m left wondering why there aren’t any nice establishments. I toss the thought aside for the time being and just head for a random diner-like place.

As we step in off the street after one of the tiger-griffons, we see that it’s an ‘airlock’ style setup, with a door, a small room, and another door. The griffon takes the time to shake off in the small room, then opens the next door and heads in. Well, when in Rome...

Don’t be a sucker for local customs and act like yourself. I heat up and roast the water droplets off of me. Anne, who came in with me, simply basks in the radiant heat, drying off by extension.

We step inside, and the diner seems fine.  It’s not quite like I’d expect from Earth, though it’s mostly the same, and the layout is definitely intended for large winged quadrupeds. There’s a thin fog at the top of the one-room sitting/serving area, and the whole place smells of tobacco and something else, but it’s not too strong to override the smell of meat... my mouth waters just from the scent.

After a few seconds, we see that there’s no maitre’d, and sit ourselves down. A waiter, an earth pony mare with giant bags under her eyes and a slightly messy bun of hair, shows up moments later. “Howdy, I’m Short Order. Watcha want?”

I shrug. “I’m not feeling that hungry. Anne?”

“Ah, you have fish, right?”

“We are in Chickago, yes.” The waitress replies.

“Sorry. Uhm, how much can I get for ten bits?”

“A lot. Y’want tuna, salmon, or the day’s whatever?” The waitress doesn’t appear to be fully awake, and isn’t really looking at either of us. She’s more or less staring over my shoulder and operating off pure rote.

“I, uh... Salmon?”

“Sure thing. It’ll be out as fillets in a bit. Just holler if y’need anything.” The mare wanders off again, this time vaguely in the direction of the kitchen.

I look around the place, searching for a griffon that looks bored and in need of a time killer. Trying to chat with someone busy probably wouldn’t go very far.

The tiger-griffon we followed in is already chatting with a pony, and there’s a black-feathered griffon that’s smaller than the others mercilessly attacking what looks like a hamburger. There’s a pony couple nuzzling each other, another of the eagle-griffons, and a bored looking griffon poking at the remains of what was probably a steak. It’s another of the black-colored griffons.

Well, I guess my options are the bored black griffon or the eagle griffon. They’re both close, and don’t appear occupied at this point.

I head over to the eagle guy. “Hey there. You don’t look like you’ve got a lot going on. Wanna chat for a bit?”

The griffon’s attention shifts to me for only a moment before dismissing me. He picks up a newspaper that’s somewhat dry, and flips it open. The headline is something about ‘Subline Closures’ and a worker’s strike.

“Hey buddy, I’m just trying to be friendly here. I’ve gotten tired of hanging around ponies all the time and I wanna know what another species is like.”

The eagle-griffon continues to ignore me, but the black griffon appears to have taken interest, a single thin black ear rising to face me as he pokes at his plate some more.

I decide to leave the ignorant guy and sit down near the black one. “I say something interesting?”

The griffon shrugs. The ear’s still up, though, so I’ve apparently got his attention. He doesn’t push me away, though, so that’s a good sign, I think. I look over and see that Anne looks a little left out, but she’ll be fine.

“Anyway, I seem to have your attention, at least partially, and I was wondering if you’d oblige me.”

The poking at the plate stops, and the griffon slowly, daintily picks up the bone in one claw. The bone is brought to beak, and... I gulp slightly as the griffon crunches down on the bone like it’s a cheeto.

“You uh, lacking a bit of calcium in your diet there, buddy?”

The griffon finishes chewing, and swallow. Then, in a distinctly feminine voice, speaks. “No. It is good for keeping my beak sharp. What are you?”

“Heh, someone who hasn’t heard of me. I like you already, miss...?” The look of utter disinterest from her makes my attempt at friendly wilt a bit. She looks like she’s waiting... or, right, I didn’t actually answer her.

“Well, you could say I’m pretty different. I’m a human. Name’s Anthony. Never actually seen a griffon city until yesterday.”

“Huh.” is all I get. It’s weird, because her tone is one of ‘no fucks to give’, but her ears are definitely pointed at me.

“Am I boring you? I can fix that rather quickly if I am.” I get what I think is either a quirked eyebrow or a trick of the light in response.

“You seem to have wandered from your flockmate, human.”

“If that means ‘girlfriend’ then no, she’s not really. But she’s working towards it. Besides, She can handle herself fine. How do you think I got these?” I say, gesturing towards the bandage from yesterday’s ‘slap’

“Flock is family.” Is the only reply. It’s a bit like speaking to a brick wall, except she’s slowly moving to face me better. If I wasn’t paying close attention, I’d almost definitely miss it, but she’s slowly turning.

“Well then I guess she would count. Though I still think she’ll be fine. Hard to bite through metal. More difficult than bones at least.” the griffon cocks her entire head at this, though only a little.

“She’s human too, for the most part. You’ll find us rather... different. And I’ve spent the last two or so years living with ponies and it’s getting boring. Apparently griffons are much more... what’s the word I’m looking for?” I give the black griffon a chance to offer her own adjective. I make generic hand motions for several seconds, but she just stares at me, her amber-yellow eyes boring into me. She’s virtually motionless while she stares, too.

“Well, the word that ponies use often is ‘violent’ and that’s been used to describe me quite a few times as well. I was told I might fit in here a bit better. So I’m trying to get myself acquainted.”

“Explains much.”

“Not much of a talker, are you? So what’s your deal? The strong and silent type, afraid you’ll say something stupid, or just don’t have anything worthwhile to say?”

“Why waste words, when actions speak clearer?” she says, her expression perfectly steady.

“That excuse would work better if you actually acted. You’re barely moving. Perhaps I’m reading your body language wrong, but from what I can tell, you are interested in me... so what do I have to do to get that beak flapping?”

The griffon barely moves. But a faint shrug is visible. “A lack of action is an action itself.”

“It just happens to be a very uninformative one, which is the opposite goal of what your previous statement implies should be happening. Are we just gonna keep going in circles like a bunch of indecisive seagulls, or actually get somewhere? I want to know more about this place and griffons in general. That’s all.”

“Ah.” she halts again, and I’m about to speak or get up and leave when she speaks again. “The first thing you should know,” she gestures towards the eagle-griffon I was trying to talk to previously, “is that those are all snobs and bullies.”

This brings an almost immediate response from the two eagle-griffons, who both shout back that the one I’m sitting with is a ‘field rat’ and a ‘vulture in black’. The responses sound worn-in, though, and there’s no anger in any of it.

I roll my eyes and reply to these actions sarcastically. “Geez guys, don’t turn this place into a dump with your vicious fighting I always hear about.”

A bunch of the griffons snort and roll their eyes, and the pony couple blushes. Tiger-griffon turns to me for a moment. In a thick accent that I kind of want to place as russian, he speaks up, “Pfeh, they never fight here. Is boring.” This gets a chuckle out of a few of the others, along with a ‘bloody warmonger’ shouted from the pony he was talking to. The griffon doesn’t seem to mind.

“So you guys will have to clarify a few things for me.” I say, as I readjust my sitting position. “I’ve heard that griffons are not very intelligent and must have all their lessons beaten into their heads and that they are all total assholes who do whatever the fuck they want because they want to. I’m not sure how much of that is true, but that’s what I hear, so I came here for clarification.”

The tiger-griffon cocks a jet-black eyebrow. “What, you wipe face in Canterlot shit and come here?”

“Manehattan actually.” This gets a chorus of understanding noises and nods. Seems Manehattan has done that sort of rumormongering before. “Canterlot sucks. All they do is shop and act like stuck-up pricks who need a prick stuck up their... nevermind.”

The pony couple starts moving towards the exit, but the one chatting with the tiger busts out laughing. The other diners also get a chuckle.

“One person enjoying my antics and another group acting offended and leaving. Glad that hasn’t changed.” this gets another round of laughter. “Guess there is a bit of normalcy for the hero of Equestria after all.”

“Heh, you? Sorry t’ burst yer bubble, mate, but you ent a pony.” The guy chatting with the tiger says.

“Nope, they couldn’t get a pony with the balls and skill to face off a rampaging hellbeast. So they have me.”

“Eeyup, the next best thing.” Anne chirps up, happily. The waitress is just putting down her feast of a salmon meal. There’s at least six fillets drenched in seasonings and batter and deliciousness over there.

“Next best? I’m sorry, should I have waited until a pony stood up to play hero and not expect it to get trampled or bitten in half like the rest?”

The tiger-griffon speaks up. “No, should have called in griffons. Would have pecked hellspawn head clean off.”

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be as fancy as, say, literally blowing his head off with one punch, now would it?” I say, grinning and holding up a fist sparking with electricity.

The female griffon next to me chuckles. “You preen as much as an owlgryff at an athletics meet.”

I shrug. “I just know I’m better in a fight than most people I meet. I haven’t been proved wrong so far.”

The other diner folks chuckle. The griffoness at my side looks over to me. “When your flockmate is finished eating, would you accompany me to a bar? My night is ending.”

“Don’t tell me you’re hitting on me now? I already have to beat the mares off with a stick, I don’t want to start with griffons too.”

“I merely offer it as a sign of friendship.” she says placidly.

“Now that’s more like it. I’ve already got enough suitors if you ask me. A new friend is a lot better in my opinion.”

And sure enough, about forty minutes later, after some more enjoyable conversation, Anne finishes eating. The griffoness, who still hasn’t given me her name, leads the way to a bar, and offers us both drinks, on her. It’s not even noon yet, but...

Free drinks. Can’t complain.

I think... I think I remember karaoke. I think. Either way, I’m waking up with my shirt around my head, a throbbing headache, Anne is completely bare, and the griffoness is asleep on my feet. Also, Anne seems to have substituted her boobs for my chest as her pillow of choice. Her breath reeks of alcohol, fruit, and chocolate.

Well, at least it’s better than waking up next to a ‘wet’ Gladius, so there’s one plus. I prepare for some loud noise to make my throbbing head feel like someone jammed a spear through my brain and wait, bracing for the pain... after a minute of silence, I relax and slowly see about untangling myself from the girls.

Then, another thunderclap echoes through the hotel, waking up the two girls and blowing my head in half. Or, rather, I wish it simply split my head open. Then I’d be dead, and dead can’t feel half this bad. Oh, I have such a cottonmouth...

As the three of us groggily make for the bathroom, I get a glass of water and pass it to Anne. The griffoness makes sounds like a cat spewing a hairball, then retches up a brightly-colored mess into the toilet. After several miserable-sounding minutes, she surfaces again, and quaffs the water I proffer her.

“That didn’t sound pleasant... you gonna be okay?”

“Bluh.” she reaches for the tap, and gets more water.

I can’t really think of anything to say, but one thing seems to slip through the mental fog. “I have conclusive evidence that a second hangover is no easier than your first...”

The pair of grunts I get in response seem to agree with me and we just spend a bit of time trying to just... recover. “Does anyone remember what happened las’ night? I’m... still kin’a foggy.”

Anne shakes her head, then flops backwards onto the bed when she gets dizzy from doing so. “ooog...” is all she can say.

The griffoness rubs her head with a pained expression. “I think... I remember... karaoke.”

“Me too. God, I hope we didn’t suck...Do you know what they do to people who fail at karaoke?”

“Heckle them?” Is Anne’s hopeful reply.

“I have no idea.” I admit. “But it can’t be good, right?”

The griffoness shrugs. “I do not know... I’ve never done karaoke before. It’s something the qilin do. Never saw much point in it.”

“I’m... too faded to ask right now. I’m just gonna assume that the killin are a kind of anteater and roll with that...” I flop back onto the bed next to Anne, realizing she is still naked, just as when I first woke up. “I really hope I didn’t do something I’m going to regret.”

Anne mumbles something. It sounds like, “I hope I didn’t do anything you’d regret.”

“Can it, birdgirl...” I grumble in response.

“You both are too loud. Shut up and get back on the bed, I’m napping.” The griffoness replies, climbing up and laying across my legs. I don’t have the energy to naysay her.

I figure it’d just be best to sleep this off. Man, Anne’s chest really is cushiony... I wonder why whatever changed her decided to give her such huge flipping melons anyway.

A few days later, we’re just hanging out. The rain stopped a day ago, after the griffoness showed us a few card games to while away the hours. Now that it’s not raining, Chickago is full of life. The simple solidarity of having a griffon walking with me means I’m not hassled as often on the street, and the ponies keep a bit of a distance now. Either way, though, I’ve made a new friend, though she still hasn’t told me her name. She’s started crashing at the hotel a bunch, though she’s mentioned she has a place to live. She just likes sleeping on my feet, I’m betting. I don’t mind though; she’s warm and fuzzy. Maybe it’s a cat thing... no, it’s dogs who sleep on your feet... maybe it’s just her.

“So where to? I wanna see some more of this place... Didn’t I need to get my shoes enchanted so I can walk on clouds?”

“I know a place where that can be done.” the griffoness says, and beings to lead the way. Within minutes, we’re in front of a pretty dingy, beat-up shop labeled as a farrier’s place. There’s a large forge with a tiger-griffon out front of it, hammering steadily away to make a series of horseshoes. though, I suppose they’re pony-shoes here.

“So uh... what did they call aluminum? Air metal or something?” I turn to Anne to see if she knew.

“Skymetal. It’s usually used for non-pegasus children of pegasi.” Anne recites, without hesitation. I suppose it must’ve come up while talking with Fluttershy.

“So I just, what? Cover my shoes in tinfoil and I can walk on clouds?”

“Uh, ponies don’t have aluminum foil. It’s too hard for them to get ahold of, normally. Fluttershy mentioned that she once saw an aluminum bit, and that it could buy Ponyville.”

During our conversation, the griffoness continues to the farrier’s, and talks momentarily with the griffon there. He gestures towards the shop, and our griffon friend heads in.

“Shame, foil is useful.”

“I guess... Still, they don’t have much of it.”

We follow our new friend closer to the store and I wonder how a non-unicorn could apply an enchantment. Maybe he’s got an assistant. I walk up to the tiger-guy running the store and mention my need for a cloudwalking enchantment.

“She already went in to speak with my master about getting some sky steel for you.” The griffon looks me up and down, then pads closer. A deep whiff later, and the griffon’s back to working the forge. It’s odd, but there’s no accent in his voice.

Oh well, not my place to pry I suppose, so now I play the waiting game again...

A minute or so later, a rather shorter-than-average earth pony colt steps out of the shop, followed by the griffoness.

“This is what you want me to make shoes for? No, won’t work.” The pony says shaking his head.

“Why not? Can’t you just, like, make a pad of metal and attach it to the soles of my shoes?”

“No. What if you fall forward? No, is bad idea. Now, a set of shoe-plates with a set of gauntlets to go with it, some knee plates for standing back up, a few back plates in case you fall backwards, a helmet to make sure you can’t be simply dropped head first and have your arms torn off...” The pony continues to mutter and mumble as he slowly stalks around me.

“And how much is that going to cost? I’m not rich you know.”

“Hmm... well, if you’re willing to advertise for me, I’ll slash the prices. Since it’s basically going to be armor anyways, I may as well just cover your vitals. You do have vitals in normal places, right, or do you just have a mass of goo inside? I don’t pay much attention to that science fiction crap.”

I point out the general location of my heart and intestines, mentioning them as the parts that need the most protection. “And obviously my brain is in my head. So, yeah, just a typical... er, human-shaped set of armor would be the right way to go. Just make it possible to take off without sounding like I’m bowling in a china shop.”

“I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. Geez, yer so shrimpy. I’m going to have to fix up the schematics for some minotaur armor. Come back tomorrow, I’ll have it done after lunch!”

I leave with the cost unanswered, figuring it’d be astronomical... I hope I can still afford it and the hotel room. Well, I hope Anne can afford it and the hotel room.

The rest of the day is spent goofing around with Anne and the griffoness. We even spend some time near the river, and the griffoness dives down to catch something. I’m a little surprised when she triumphantly holds up... a fully-grown octopus. The ensuing brawl is more hilarious than I can describe.

All I can say is: It didn’t go over the way most hentai portray octopi, and nobody was expecting it to arm itself with a cobble and leap off the edge back into the river. Nobody.

The next day, we come back to the farrier’s shop after a short meal, and the pony... has already assembled something like partial platemail for me. It’s all gleaming aluminum... except for the parts with the farrier’s logo splashed all over the chest, the back, both shoulders and hips, and the backs of the hands. There’s even a logo on each of the shoes! And they’re all in awful, garish colors. Oh my poor, screaming retinas...

“Nice design but uh... you wouldn’t happen to be colorblind, are you? Just asking.” I figure there’s a way to remove it, which I will do once I get back to Ponyville.

“What? Tartarus no. I just want ponies to notice my dang-nabbed logo! It’s a branding thing, you wouldn’t understand.” Whoo boy, one of those. “You keep those tags on fer me, and you can have it fer... five-hunnerd. You can strip ‘em off when you’re not in town anymore, I don’t care what the numb-horns in Canterlot think about my business.”

“Uh-huh... and I’m just going to assume this isn’t, like, combat armor, just covering, right?”

“What are you smokin’, and why ain’tcha sharin’? That’s skysteel. It’ll block a lightning bolt, which is basically all wingbrains and most of them hornheads fight with. Least griffons’ll actually fight’cha with somethin’ that always works.”

I snort. “You haven’t seen my lightning, have you?”

“It don’t matter, lightning’s lightning, and skysteel’ll grab it. You get a big enough charge on them, and you’ll fry whatever you touch for days. So be careful ‘bout flyin’ in storms and grabbin’ yer birdie over there.” He gestures off-handedly at both Anne and the griffoness, who are off to the side, bonding.

“Oh I don’t fly... that’s kinda the reason for this. Thanks anyway. So... five hundred?” I look over at Anne. “Think it’s worth it?”

She looks the armor over. “With some paint thinner, yeah.”

The next day, we’ve figured out what we’re going to do. Today, we’re going up to the top of the city layer, and go to the Chickago Clouddome. Apparently, since we’re actually in griffon-controlled lands, they still have gladiatorial arenas. Supposedly they aren’t to the death anymore, but they still get bloody. And there’s some scheduled for today, and they’re open to the public... free seating’s pretty far from the action, but it’s free.

I wonder if sign-ups are public too. I put on the armor and I felt awesome! Sure I look like a huge dork, but I feel like a champion and I have the urge to punch something...

Urges aside, the girls get me settled into one of the public seats, which are four-person benches, each one part of a ten-bench row. There’s something like four hundred free area rows around the Clouddome, with paid seating taking up something like a quarter of the seating.

The crowd is talking amongst itself, leaving the three of us to settle in. The benches are clearly for quadrupeds, being only kinda cramped for Anne, myself, and our griffon friend, who ends up just laying across our laps anyways.

As the colosseum-like cloud building fills up, I find myself glad they have normal, wooden benches, because having only the seat of my pants to hold me up would be seriously uncomfortable after a minute or two. Still, Anne’s at my side, and the griffoness is soft and fuzzy and warm, the last part of which is important because we’re almost half a mile up. It is cold up here, I never realized how warm it is down there. I’m so glad I’m basically immune to the cold.

I decide to just watch the combat that is going to start any minute now... It’s been a while since I saw anything like this, and that was just a movie. This ought to be good.

The first participant enters the arena, the wide, circular cloud floor supporting the pegasus as he or she waves a wing to the crowd.

“Or first combatant, Bombshell!” The crowd goes wild as the voice booms across the Clouddome. There must be some kind of speaker system. The pegasus takes the wing they’d been using to wave with, and swipes it sharply, sending a crackling boom across the field. A large portion of the cloud floor peels away, before slowly shifting back into place.

So this is like one of those sci-fi arena matches done in the style of a more medieval setting, just substituting magic for technology... or is it substituting technology for magic? I can never remember how that’s supposed to go. Either way, this will be fun. I still want to join, but I figure I’ll just be a spectator for now.

“And her challenger today, Gleamwing Griffon, of the Southstreet Gladiator’s Academy!” The crowd isn’t as enthusiastic for the shorter griffon, but there’s still plenty of cheering. I see a few unicorns put together some sort of spell across the arena from me, the glowing lines mixing into a credible replacement for a plasma-screen TV. The display crackles, then shows a pair of ‘health bars’ with a 10/10 below each one. Must be the scoring system.

“And remember, no maiming, no breaking wings, and no disenchanting! Three... Two... One... Fight!” The announcer shouts the last word, and the two gladiators charge each other. Immediately, the pony leaps and swipes a wing, a muffled shunf-boom tearing a chunk of the floor out and revealing the city below. Interestingly, it appears we’re over a gap between buildings... which is probably intentional, now that I think of it.

The griffon draws some sort of staff or spear, and closes in on the pony, who rips out another chunk of floor with the sonic booms. All the while, the announcer is calling out signature moves of Bombshell and talking about the newcomer. I’m a little interested in the ‘Galloping Grenadier’ thing, which looks awesome as a series of holes get blown out of the cloud floor by a rapid-fire series of wing-flips.

I’m interested in how the pegasi do that whole cloud manipulation thing anyway, I mean, I get that they’re tied to the weather, but it’s kinda weird. Can they just decide whether a cloud is solid to them or not?

My answer arrives in the form of the griffon ripping up the floor with a claw and using the cloud to smack Bombshell in the face, stopping the pony’s momentum entirely. The whole crowd gives a sympathetic groan of pain, and I’ll admit that necks probably aren’t meant to bend like that at high speed. Still, Bombshell shakes it off, and I see a point tick off her ‘health bar’ on the display.

So is it based on ‘per hit’ or does it take more points for more damage? Bombshell doesn’t seem that hurt... and how do they determine how much damage someone would take? It’s not like a video game where it’s programmed to just know and display the information, someone has to hit a button or something to change the numbers... Magic is weird.

The griffon gets a sonic boom to the face after that, and is thrown across the arena. The display ticks down one for her too. After that, a blur of action strips away more points, every hit only taking away one, and apparently only if it’s a solid hit. The griffon has two points left, and Bombshell has three when things really heat up, though.

The griffon on the field leaps towards Bomb, and looks to be getting ready to knock the pony on the head with that staff, but it turns out to be a feint right as Bombshell knocks the staff from the griffon’s claws, which immediately seizes the pony by the wings. There’s shouts of ‘dirty play!’ and ‘foul! Utter foul!’ all across the stadium, but the fans who cheered Gleamwing before cheer loudly, drowning out the angry shouts.

The griffon doesn’t do anything major to the wings, though, simply grabbing Bomb in what looks like a tight hug... Then, the griffon falls straight at the ground from somewhere in the range of forty feet straight up. A hush comes over the crowd... could this be a knock-out?

The distance drops off, and I find myself leaning forward in anticipation as well. At the last possible moment, the pony slips free, and a pair of wings opens wide, braking against the air and sending a cataclysmic, ear-rending CRACKA-BOOOM out to shred the floor into floating chunks, the sonic boom splashing across a suddenly-visible net of some kind.

Gleamwing, utterly unprepared for the sudden extra momentum from the boom, slams into a largish chunk of cloud, dissipating it and losing a point, then slamming into the next below it and losing another point. The griffon barely moves, and the announcer yells that it’s another win for Bombshell. The pony blows kisses at the crowd, most of whom are yelling and stamping with approval.

My griffoness friend tells Anne and I that there’s a half-hour break between fights, to let the fighters rest up and get a check-up with the medics. Sounds like a good time to get up and stretch.

I doubt spectators are allowed to go down and see the combatants, but I’m pretty interested in this... maybe I will participate. Joining in is always more exciting than just watching after all... Perhaps after the next one. I get a few odd looks from the griffons and a few ponies. I really am outside of the place with all the hero worship... it could also be the fact that my armor looks awful with the logos all over it. I am so removing them later.

I must have been lost in thought for some time, because a loudspeaker announces that the next fight is about to start. Guess I spaced out for a while there. Oh well, time to see how this one will go. I make my way back to my seat and, with Anne and the griffoness in our previous position, we sit down to watch the next battle unfold.

Once more, the pony from the previous bout, Bombshell, is announced, and the crowd cheers. Then, the next contestant is announced, and it’s another griffon, this one without anything beyond the name. Guess the last one was sponsored.

This griffon is visibly covered in armor, and has a set of wickedly sharp-looking claw covers. The griffoness on my lap gives a hiss, muttering “Those will leave marks for sure.” under her breath.

Sure enough, this battle goes faster than the last, Bombshell’s score dropping to around half before the pony connects with an attack. There’s nearly two dozen thin stripes covering the pony’s body, and then a cra-boom hits the griffon.

 That’s when I see that the griffon was hoping to make it through without being struck; the armor’s reverberations are audible from where I’m sitting, near the top, and the griffon’s stumbling. As Bombshell raises a wing for another strike, the griffon puts its head down and both claws up. The crowd roars, and the word ‘Forfeit’ blazes across the griffon’s portrait on the display. Medics rush to the field, and as the helmet is taken off the griffon’s head, it’s revealed there’s twin streams of blood from the sides of the griffon’s head, and his or her eyes are bloodshot.

Jeez, did Bomb do that? I couldn’t really see what happened, and it gets me psyched up. That’s it. Next round, I’m going in!

The next half hour is unbearable to wait through, but after what feels like a millennia, the loudspeaker calls out again. I don’t hear the word ‘final’ or ‘semifinal’ so I might get more than one fight from this.

I head back to my seat, but when Bombshell is announced once more, I use my speed to rush from the back row to the front using the little stairway. I think I knocked over a few people straggling to their seats, but that doesn’t stop me from shouting my name before the announcer says the next challengers’. I hop down from the stands and into the arena, stumbling a bit. It’s farther down than I thought. No matter, I didn’t fall.

My interruption got everyone’s attention. Guess this doesn’t happen often. The crowd goes silent for several seconds before someone boos. A chorus of boos and angry shouts starts up, drowning out my happiness momentarily.

Eh, they don’t know what they’re gonna see. I respond by calling into the stands around me. “You got a problem? You could try filling in for Bombshell!”

The announcer’s voice suddenly rumbles across the arena, and I realize it’s way louder down here next to the pit than farther up in the stands. “Well, Gryffs and gentlecolts, it seems we have a surprise challenger today. Say hello to the two-time hero of Equestria, Anthony!”

It seems the introduction gives me legitimacy, as around half the crowd stops shouting for the security to haul me away and instead gives me some polite applause. From behind me, I hear a sound like boots crunching snow, and I turn. Bombshell is coming over and looking me up and down. I hadn’t been able to tell from afar what gender the pony was, but it looks like an athletic ‘her’. Not that it makes a difference, really. I can, however, see that her cutie-mark is a cloud being blown to smithereens, which really only makes sense.

I prepare for the first part of any competition. Pre-battle smack-talk. “So, how well do you think you’ll fare against someone who knows they’re better than you?” I ask, standing tall. My armor is a bit clunky, and I’m not used to it, but I still feel confident.

“Y’ really shouldn’t talk t’yerself before a match. Might pysch yerself out. Big Talk gave you an announcement, so yer in, but ya better bet I can toss y’ around.” She jabs me in the chest with a hoof to punctuate her statement, and I see she’s got a gnarled, twisted scar across one eyebrow ridge and below the eye, but it doesn’t look like that eye was damaged. The stripes from the griffon’s claws in the last match are already healed up, so I doubt that’s a weak point, either.

I grin. “You have no idea what you’re up against. Just say when you’re ready to call it quits.”

The pegasus gives me a hard look, then trots back to her starting place. I can vaguely hear the announcer prepare the start of the fight, but I’m getting a bit of an adrenaline rush right now. I’m prepared to spark up the moment the match starts, and do so the moment I hear the word ‘Fight!’ ring across the arena.

I grin and have my first move planned already. I probably shouldn’t grow or go intangible. They might not agree with my armor, but I have plenty more tricks. Also, I’m merely a cloudwalker, not a flier, so I figure it’s against the rules for Bombshell to open a pit under me since it could be lethal. I switch to my Dynamo form and see how conductive this armor really is. I can’t tell until I touch something though, so I use my speed to rush right for Bomb and go for a super-speed punch.

Bombshell grins at me and swipes her wings in an X, the slashing motion making an ear-splitting screech that opens a V-shaped pit in front of her. I stop myself before I fall in, but she definitely feels she has an advantage, and she's already on the move. A swift flick of her wing and another long gash opens up. I could probably leap the pits, but I’d hate to miss. My fingers don’t have the armor on them, so I can’t grab clouds that way.

I figure that I’m not allowed to kill here means the Sword is out, but I have other ways to fight. I circle around the current champ and hit her in the back as hard as I can. However, she just rolls with the hit, even though I can hear the electricity crackle when I hit her. I take the briefest moment to check the display, and see that she did lose a point there. And she lost the first point! Ha!

My adulation is cut short as I’m swept off my feet by a wave of sound hard enough that I feel like I cracked a bone, though there’s not enough accompanying pain to mean I actually did. However, I’m nearly thrown into a pit, and Bombshell takes to the air to negate my contact advantage. Damnit!

“Flying away means you forfeit. If you can’t handle the heat, just admit it!”

“Check the rules, ‘hero’, flying is perfectly legal. Perhaps you should’ve taken some time to prepare? Or maybe you only won by luck, or cheating.” Bombshell calmly taunts back.

“Maybe I did, then you’d be losing to some punk who just got lucky, how’s that gonna look? Come down and fight like a man- er- pony!”

“I am, you dense moron!” she yells back, doing a spin in midair that sends visible air-blades at me. The flurry is easy to dodge, but the blades chop up the clouds nearby me, and I’m forced to leap to the undamaged section of the arena to avoid falling. I’m starting to hate pegasi...

“Earth ponies bring whips or bows, griffons bring bows or spears, and unicorns have magic. And yet, instead of fighting for real, you decided to jump in in the middle of my bouts to show off.” The pegasus gladiator begins the start of the move she did earlier, the ‘Galloping Grenadier’, which can only mean she’s going to be firing off a barrage of sonic booms. She’s basically split the entire arena in half, and the clouds haven’t had the time to fix themselves yet, so I’ve got less than twenty feet of room to dodge in.

Luckily, I’m faster than the speed of sound. I make my running leap for a safe spot and begin my next plan. “You may be a champ, but you’re still a pegasus. You know what that means?”

The series of booms peter out before they reach my new position, and Bombshell’s about to take off again when I grapple her around the middle. “You guys have shit weight to toss around.”

From my belt, I pull the half-pound of coal, and create thin bands to bind her wings. With nowhere to go, and no way to get out, I can have time to simply knock her around and take her points down. ‘No cheating’ doesn’t mean ‘play fair’, right?

I finish by picking her up by the scruff of her neck and just toss her onto her back. “What’s the matter? Didn’t you bring toys too, or are you only good at one trick?”

She kicks my knees out from under me, sending me to the fluffy cloud. I roll over, and use some of the coal to bind her back and front legs together. Not the normal front-front and back-back, no, I bind them side and side. She can’t even figure out how to roll over, and finally gives a huff. She’s got two points left now, and I’ve still got three.

“I was gonna let you have the snot beaten out of you, but for that little trick, I think the champ should forfeit. For the record, I can keep those bindings on all day long.”

The pegasus struggles at her bindings, and growls at me. Seriously, growls. When she starts wriggling at me on her side, I get an uncannily ‘Black Knight of Monty Python’ vibe from her. Still, she’s only got two points left, so I go up behind her and literally kick her in the rear. One point left, and I end the champion’s reign with another swift boot to the butt.

The buzzer rings and I hear many cheers and a few ‘boos’, but overall, I had a good time. Can’t wait for the next fight.

The announcer’s voice booms out. “Alright, everyone, give Anthony the applause for a truly spectacular one-and-only bout! Congratulations on defeating the champion!”

Wait, one-and-only? The fuck? Upon leaving the arena, I’m immediately accosted by several griffon and pony security guards, who politely ask me to leave the premises.

“Well fine! If you guys don’t like to see a real champ fight, then just gimme my prize for beating the champ. What do I get, a belt? Shield? Money? ...Candy?”

“Not getting arrested for creating a public disturbance.” the security guard answers, looking sternly at me. Given that said guard is a tiger-griffon that’s looking me in the eye, I feel less like snarking back. Only a little less, mind you. “You trespassed, you stopped the proceedings, and humiliated ms. Shell. Please leave the premises, now.” The guards actually sound somewhere between annoyed and bored, likely because they’re used to getting to nap right about now, rather than have to deal with people.

“For the record, I think I just proved I could take any one of you... or all of you... but whatever.” I figure my next stop would be the lobby and wait for the girls. Obviously they saw the best part of the show, no need to stay and watch the rest.

About four hours later, they finally come out, having watched the rest of the fights. The part that stings, though, is when Anne pointedly ignores me the entire way back to the hotel.

Once we get to our room I decide to ask. “So, what’s got you mad? It’s not like this affects you or anything.”

“Well, I’m thinking about dropping out of competing with Myrna.” Anne snaps. “That was just so childish. What was the point?!” she rears up in front of me. With a single flap of her wings, she’s eye level with me, and the susurrus of metal-on-metal isn’t so comforting now.

“Having fun? Trying out the local sport?”

“Ruining everyone else’s time! They’re professionals, Anthony! Just like with professional football players, or basketball players, or whatever. You just ran out and beat someone up! for no reason! If you were bored, you could’ve just left, rather fucking things up!” Anne says the last part while jabbing me with a claw knuckle. Then, she slams the door shut, and I realize she just locked me out of my room.

I phase my head through the door. “For the record, I wasn’t bored, I was having a blast, so I decided to get involved.” With that I pull my head back out and leave. I wanna go see that guy who gave me this armor.

When I approach the same little shop, I ask the same tiger-griffon as before about his ‘master’ and I wait for the colt to come out. “So, I just beat the champion gladiator, in front of at least half the city or something, and everyone got to see your armor. How’s that for marketing?”

“Jeez. How long’ve you been signed up for? Y’ only got the armor yesterday.”

“I’m not signed up. But I still won and-”

“Wait, you didn’t sign up, so how’d you get in?” The colt looks at me like I’m stupid.

“By jumping in from out of the stands and getting my name announced.”

“So... you made an utter fool of yourself, beat the crap out of someone who donates all her winnings to charity, and then left, all while wearing my logo? Did you get dropped on yer head as a baby?”

“Dunno, I don’t remember being a baby. And I don’t get the whole ‘beating her up’ thing. Yeah I kinda just rushed in there, but I was announced and she seemed to treat it like any other fight in the stadium. She lost fair and square.”

“She smile at’cha?”

“You’re fighting. Who smiles?”

“Kid, maybe you’re dense, maybe you’re just stupid. It’s a sport. Everybody knows everybody in the gladiators. I hear there’s even a new academy or some shit down on southstreet. That’ll be the fourth academy to have a gladiator team in the city. This is big. Prizes are hundreds of thousands, and you went and spoiled the season. You probably only got announced because you got some hot shit lookin’ out fer you.”

“Didn’t plan it, happened anyway. That’s how things go for me. And for the record, your logo is awful. Try more subtle colors that don’t cause corneal burning.”

“And why dontcha you go fuck yer cousin? I don’t want some buffon shitting up my business’ rep, so strip off the logos. Y’ don’t and I’ll tell the cops y’ stole the suit.”

“So remove the logos.” I take off the armor, and pass the pile of plates to him. “Not my fault you chose the wrong guy to advertise for you. I could have worn them without your brand all over me. Unless you got some fancy enchantment on them that helped me win.”

“Here I thought you said you was a hero. Guess yer just a liar. Go on, fuck off.” The colt grabs the plates and heads back in towards the shop.

I just decide to walk around the city and check out more of the place. I mean, I know what I did was wrong, but people came to see a fight, who cares who was doing the actual fighting?

I entertain and then get spat on. Pricks.

It’s been five days since the whole gladiator thing, and Anne hasn’t talked to me. Also, I keep getting dirty looks in the crowds, and more than a few of the various ponies and griffons have ‘accidentally’ bumped into me, a couple times hard enough to knock me down. I’ve started just staying intangible all the time.

I wonder if they even have a rule that states ‘no spectator can join in’ or something. If the passerby start getting vicious then I’ll just deal with them. I mean really, is it such a big deal that I beat their star player one-on-one perfectly fair? These jerks are all a bunch of sore losers.

However, I’m running out of things to do. The griffoness isn’t talking to me either, and I’ve been locked out several times. Wouldn’t stop me from coming in, but I’m not a jerk. I’m not just going to walk in on some girls asking to have some alone time. I suppose it helps I don’t have to sleep as much as others.

One particularly brave griffon actually calls me... something. I don’t really hear it, but I suppose it’s big around here as it gets quite a few looks. I just give him the finger and carry on. Seriously, these sports fanatics are worse than those stupid jocks who go nuts over football. One game goes bad and they all want to riot.

Then something is thrown at me, hitting the back of my neck with a splop. Not sure what, but it’s spongy and wet. I turn around and see a pony across the way holding what looks like a small, sopping wet cloud. He tosses it but I incinerate it before it gets close enough to touch me and I walk over to the pony, standing much taller than him. “Don’t do that.”

The colt’s knees waver, but his resolve doesn’t. “Then don’t be a bully!” He scowls at me, though I can see the fear in his eyes.

“Big talk, little man. Just because you don’t like a surprise appearance here and there you call me a bully? I think you’re just spoiled ‘cause you expect everything to go the way you plan it.”

“No, you broke the rules! Then, you beat up miss Shell!” the colt actually looks like he’s getting more confidence. when I hear the mutters of agreement from behind me, I realize it’s because there’s a crowd that’s on his side now.

“So I beat up someone who was there to beat up others and get beaten up herself? For your amusement? What’s the difference that I did exactly the same thing you all came to see in the first place?”

“We didn’t come to see her get hurt like that!” one person from the crowd shouts. Hurt? What the heck is he smoking? I tied her up and kicked her twice! She got worse from the fight before me!

“We came to see her fight for us!” another yells.

The colt in front of me stands a little taller. “She sends all her money to folks like me, so I can eat!”

“After a defeat like that, she won’t be allowed to play for the rest of the season! Her career is over!” a griffon to my right yells.

I get tired and yell back. “She lost to someone who broke the rules, according to you. Wouldn’t that mean that she can still play because it doesn’t count as an official loss? As far as I know, she’s still the champ, I just whooped her butt, so shut your beak.”

“You don’t know a damned thing, you stupid tourist!” one of the crowd shouts at me, which is met with rousing agreement. I can feel my temper rise.

“Oh, okay, so what of it? What are you going to do? Why can’t I just say she’s still the champ, huh? Why can’t you just ignore it ever happened? You all act like-”

“She lost! It doesn’t matter who to, even unsanctioned matches count! Did you even read any of the rules?”

“No, because most fights only have the rules of no groin shots and no breaking bones. Those are rules here too, right?”

“Only ‘not breaking bones’, dumbfuck! It’s not a fight, it’s a gladiatorial duel. Learn something!”

“Get outta our town!” another pony yells, getting several shouts of agreement. I take an actual look back and see there’s literally no space to leave through, the streets are packed for several blocks. The ones in the back are probably just trying to figure out what’s going on, though.

I shake my head. “I only committed one crime, and it has been pardoned. I have done nothing illegal since and therefore you have no way of getting me to leave.” I light my fists on fire. “Unless someone makes me.”

That’s about the point the brick hits me, right in the stomach. I don’t know who threw it, but it’s not the last. In fact, if I hadn’t doubled over from the first one, the second probably would’ve concussed me. I go intangible immediately. These people are fucking insane!

“You think you’re in Equestria still? This isn’t sunshine land anymore!” one member of the crowd yells, and I feel a strange sensation as a beam of ice and cold passes through me. In spite of my intangibility, I can definitely feel the cold, and it actually hurts. I need to get out of here, there’s no telling what kind of idiots there are in the crowd who might get lucky.

“For the record, I’m shocked at the amount of shit I do get away with in Equestria. But just so you know, if you keep pursuing me with those rocks and stupid spells, you will be the offenders, not me.”

With that I mix a little electricity into my flaming fists and let off a flare of light. The crowd distracted, I phase through them all and get away from the mass of rioters. I take stock of my previous statement as I pass several officers, in uniform who are actively part of the riot. Nevermind on them getting in trouble, the cops are crooked too, shit...

“So what stupid blabbiddy blah moral did you learn on your trip Anthony?” I mimic Twilight’s stupid voice and respond normally. “Oh just that trying to have fun results in shit getting thrown at you!”

God these people are all jerks. I thought I found a place where I can be, you know, human and that gets me a riot. Who cares that their champion lost? I didn’t declare myself the new one and I didn’t take her title! By all accounts, that loss has no weight whatsoever! I just wanted to have a bit of fun and they act like I shot her in the leg!

Besides, I know I heard cheers in the crowd so I know I was entertaining at least, which is the goal, right? Apparently the goal of this game is ‘let the champ win’ which means all the games are planned in advanced and fixed. That’s not a fight, that’s not even gladiatorial combat! It’s a fucking stage show with really impressive props and acting!

Heck, even under that case, I didn’t do anything that bad. I didn’t even scratch her! All I did was barely hit her twice, and tie her up! A griffon brought macerating weaponry and he’s applauded? Hypocrites...

With little else to do, I decide to go find Bombshell. Maybe the reason everyone’s so worked up about this is because she’s spreading nasty rumors or got hurt later and they’re blaming it on me. Or something. Either way, I’ve been locked out again, so I might as well find something to do.

Maybe I should go see Bombshell. Everyone is pissed for her, but how mad is she? I mean, come on, yeah I beat her, but I’ve lost plenty of times and it hasn’t stopped me. Losing is only a setback unless you die or are fatally wounded, as a fighter, she should understand that, right?

I finally track down where she should be by, in an odd turn of events I’d rather not describe the genesis of, hiding in dark alleys and whispering at people. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it worked. So it’s perfectly fine.

Anyways, I learn that she’s going to be hanging out around her apartment, in the uptown area. There’s virtually nobody, pony or griffon, that seems to recognize me as I walk along. I get to the apartment just in time to beat another downpour, and ask at the lobby about seeing her. I’m almost laughed out right away, but I manage to convince the unicorn in the lobby office with a fireball in my hand.

Over an intercom made out of a chunk of crystal in a holder on the wall, with what looks like a normal piece of string tied to it, I hear Bombshell talk to the lobby person, and she finally says I can come up. I smile, extinguish the fireball, and start towards her room. It’s only on the second floor, so it should be right above me.

Around the sixth flight of stairs, I remember the whole ‘griffons label their floor numbers upside-down’ thing.

By the time I reach the ‘second’ floor of a twenty-story building, I’m swearing to any deity that might be listening that I’ll build the first dozen elevators myself if I can just get free rides up and down the stairs from here out.

I get to the right door and knock. Sure enough, the same mare from the arena answers, sighing heavily. “So what do y’ want? To brag some more? Kick me in the plot again?” she says, more sad-sounding than angry.

I fold my arms across my chest. “I came to apologize and maybe fix this problem, but if you really like the way things are right now, I’ll just leave...”

“Fix it? Fix it how? I’m dead now, and I don’t get to play until next season! I don’t know what I did to screw you over, but sure got me back for that!”

“To use a human phrase, ‘there’s more than one way to skin a cat’. We just need a plan that involves you coming out on top. But it has to be secret to us, because if anyone knows then this whole thing will be a waste of time and you’ll still be on the bottom. Besides, what do you have to lose? Your reputation?”

Throughout all of this she looks at me like she can’t understand what I’m saying.

“Are y’ stupid? I’m not ‘on the bottom’, I’m dead. As in, not allowed to enter any matches until the next season? Do yah know a single fuckin’ thing about the gladiators or the Clouddome matches?”

“No, but the plan doesn’t involve it. It involves revealing that I beat you by cheating, you and I have an unofficial fight, I take a dive without making it look fake, and you prove that had it been a fair fight, you could have beaten me hands down.”

“I don’t think you heard me, even once. It doesn’t matter whether you cheated or not. I lost, at any point after entering the Trial of the Champion. I could’ve lost a game of poker and I’d be out. You seriously just fucked me over without knowing a single damned thing about what you were messing up, didn’t you?”

“New lesson learned. Try to help fix a problem you made, get a door slammed in your face. You don’t even want to try a solution, then that’s your problem. I fucked up and now I want to make it better, but you’re just shitting on me because you-”

I’m slammed into the solid marble behind me by a sonic boom. “You aren’t fucking listening! This is the national fuckin’ sport! If I get in an actual fight anywhere, I can get exiled right now!” I look up, my vision blurred from the sudden pressure change. There’s a strong ringing in my ears to accompany everything, and her voice sounds tinny.

“That doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t accepting help when it literally comes knocking on your door. If you-” I’m cut off by a stinging slap.

“How the fuck is trying to get me to commit a crime helping?! Do you not have the brains to understand what I’m saying? Are you really so stupid you think this was just a ‘fight’? It’s a fucking artform, and you got me thrown out after ten years of consecutive wins!” She’s panting and looks utterly pissed as she stands over me where I’ve slumped. The slap is actually starting to hurt a lot, and I realize she’s re-opened the cuts Anne gave me.

“Everyone... everyone bitches constantly about the rules, but nobody ever told me what the rules are.” I slump a little more, and Bombshell pulls her hoof back a little. My vision slowly clears. “That doesn’t excuse what I’ve done, but how does it help the problem from happening again? You’re right, I don’t know shit. I’m a dumbfuck. And nobody wants to fix that so I can make things better.”

“Dude, the rules are on display practically everywhere. Didja ever go t’ the library? It’s a big fucken’ library, hard to miss. Seriously, if you were there the entire time, you probably passed the rules book in the main lobby at the Clouddome at least three times, assuming you didn’t sit in your seat the whole time.” She shakes her head, and my vision clears enough to see that she’s got tears in her eyes. “Seriously, it’s a big thing here. All my winnings go to charities to help out the poor side of town, and now one of those prize-chasers from the west bank is probably going to take the prize instead. And a few hundred folks are going to go without dinners for a whole season.” Bombshell slides slowly to the floor herself, and I hear her sniffle.

“I didn’t really think all that was riding on this. I just wanted to have some fun. I didn’t mean for all of this. Maybe we can fix this? Where I come from, when it’s revealed that a team lost because someone on the other side cheated, the ‘losing’ team’s reputation is restored. I know I didn’t really cheat, but what if you tell everyone that I did? Wouldn’t that change anything? Prove that you can beat me? That you’re still the champ?”

“Pfah, I wish. But some griffon nobles a couple centuries back tried throwing around press weight to fake just that. Now, the rules say that cheating just makes the cheater get banned for life. A loser is still a loser, ‘cuz it used to be the death was actual death, not just getting barred for a season.” Bombshell lays on her belly, on the cold marble. One of her wings twitches a little as she stretches, and I get a better look at them. Over half the feathers on each wing is tattered and heavily damaged, and it looks like some have been shredded or torn out entirely. There’s also a thin band of black marking where my coal bands had been; it looks like it’s stuck in some ways though.

I use my power to remove the last bits of the marking, though a bruise ring is still evident on just about every part of her body, making it more purple than black. from this distance, I can also see the thin scars from the claws are still there. “Is there any way we can fix this? There has to be, there’s usually some sort of loophole or some sort of long-forgotten page in the rulebook... shit like that always happens.”

“Well, if you’re the Crown Prince, the Lost King Azazim, or have defeated either in battle in the last week for their position, you could just overturn it by royal decree. The rule’s still there, even if it isn’t used anymore. Or if I happen to become the Crown Prince’s wife or head concubine, I could get it overruled, but I also wouldn’t be allowed to compete anymore.” She gives me an even look. There’s a thick knot of old scar tissue along her neck that looks like she’d been nearly decapitated once.

I hang my head a bit. “I just want to find a way to solve the problem I caused. I was just out to enjoy myself. If I’d have known all this, I’d probably have thrown the fight at the last second once I’d had my fun, y’know? I don’t want to ruin your life.”

“Not every problem has a solution, kid.” Bombshell says, sighing and leaning over. She slowly rests her head on my shoulder, just as a group of security ponies and griffons reach the top of the stairs for this floor, huffing and panting.

“S- sta- stop... in the... in- the... glah...” The security pony who tried speaking tips over and collapses, and the others groan and lean against the walls as they see I’m not causing any trouble.

I quirk an eyebrow. “I don’t think their wings are broken. Couldn’t they just fly up? This place has roof access right? I mean, 90% of the population can fly after all.”

One of the griffons stares at me for several seconds, then groans again and facepalms. I trade a look with Bombshell, and we both start laughing.

“So stupid security aside, we still need to fix this little debacle of ours, or at least, y’know, try something. I can’t just let you lean over and take this in the face while I didn’t try...”

“Sorry, kid, but there’s really not anything we can do. Too many nobles trying to cut up the rules and sneak through on loopholes over the centuries ruined any chance of that. Oh, funny fact, the ‘can’t come back for a full season after dying in the arena’ thing was around before actually dying was taken out. Well before in fact.”

“So what? Zombie ponies are a thing? You can just have a pony pop out of their grave demanding a rematch and they have to just sit and wait for next season and hope they don’t decompose or something?”

“Nah, but a long while back a vampony entered. Died sixteen times in the same day, but won four matches. After the rules was passed, she left in a huff and the local count died of blood loss that night. Rule stuck, though.”

“Is there also a rule about the undead? ‘Cause a zombie could be dead and then just have to forfeit, or can they not join at all because they already died- This is horribly off-topic, I’m sorry.”

“Nah, that’s cool. There was actually a zombie problem a while back when a Pygmygryff went through a groundbound circuit about three... four hundred years ago, I think? Maybe five. Either way, the little fucker kept riding a giant fossilized sea scorpion into battle, and claimed it was equipment. Ever since, no equipment that’s fully animate on its own is allowed, nor is any equipment weighing more than two-hundred pounds.”

“But my sword would count... kinda. As far as I know all it can do is lethal strikes...” I stop for a moment. “And refuses to go away.”

“Most colts claim similar, but I can assure it’s not a permanent feature if you get some mare or griffoness angry enough.”

“...no, I mean my shortsword.”

“Whoo, never heard someone confident enough to make it sound smaller than average.”

“I’m not talking about my penis! I mean the sword attached to my belt!” I say, reaching to unsheath the blade, only to find it’s chosen now to leave. Fucking traitor... “I swear this has never happened before.”

Bombshell laughs. “Oh, I’ve never heard that before.” she says sarcastically.

“Haha, laugh all you want. I’m actually glad I don’t use it much. If I did, I’d end up with more mares than I can count and friction burns on my wiener.” I pause. “And yes, that’s a thing that can happen!”

“I doubt you’ll ever have to worry about it, mr I-have-a-short-sword.” Bombshell teases back, nudging me in the ribs with a wing joint.

I tap her shoulder with my fist. “Yeah, well fuck you.”

“Nah, I got a coltfriend.”

“Oh shut up, you know what I mean. I’m not getting with a pony anyway. I’m not too big on quadrupeds.”

“Psshh, racist.” She flops back down, laying her head on her hooves. She still looks sad, though.

“Anyway... I wanna try something, but I don’t know what. I mean, yeah this is a big deal... Why can’t I just apologize and have all this blow over? What idiot decided unofficial matches should be treated as official anyway?”

“Originally it was because the gladiators were slaves, and getting beaten outside of a match meant they escaped. So, they got put to the sword...”

“They died. Which means you still have to wait since I technically killed you... I know I mess things up, but usually they have some way of being fixed. Sure I break stuff, but it usually gets mended. Collateral damage is always temporary in my experience, y’know?”

“Yeah, I get that. I once got into a fight, ‘bout six years ago, and blew a building wide open. Almost killed the family inside, an’ they were too poor to pay for the hospital bills if they got their son’s broken wing fixed. That’s when I started donatin’ my winnings to the poor an’ stuff.” She shakes her head. “Gave me something to fight for, rather than just fight over. Made me a big hit, too, so I get sponsors on sponsors on sponsors offering t’ eat me out for a little publicity bump.”

“And here I get the offers simply because they think I’d want to... problem is, you can’t hit the annoying horndogs or you get a bad rep.”

“Can’t throw ‘em off buildings...”

“Can’t light them on fire.”

“Can’t explode their eardrums.”

“Can’t kick ‘em in the rear.”

“Can’t get peace and quiet every night without threatening someone...”

“Can’t make the filthy fanmail stop...”

“Ooh, I got’cha there. Why d’they even think I wanna read about that? They can’t even write good smut.”

“I have a pegasus friend back home, wanted to help me with courting a chick. Said she read in some crappy story that the best way to get laid was to steal from the girl and accuse her of being a thief. I think she’s got a screw loose. Or maybe only one tightened.”

“Aww, jeez, she’s been readin’ that Yearling mare’s fan-crap, hasn’t she? That poor mare gets all sorta weird stuff written ‘bout her characters. Fucken’ weirdo fans.”

“Yeah, shameful what people will do to bastardize a friggin’ kids’ series...”

Bombshell shakes her head mournfully. “Yeah... still, y’ shouldn’t let that get to ya. It’s bad fer yer health.”

“Definitely!” Bombshell and I turn to see that the security guards are sitting at the top of the stairs and listening in. The guard who spoke covers her mouth with her hooves and looks embarrassed.

“Are you guys still here?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at them like before. “Don’t you have better things to do? Like, idunno, chase after a giant doughnut or something?”

The tiger griffon licks his beak. “I wish. We’re security guards, not cops. Hey, you wanna play a round of poker?  S’long as miss Shell here don’t mind you up here, you’re cool.”

“Yeah, whatever. So... the problem can’t be fixed. We have no idea what sort of crazy shit we’d have to pull to find a tiny loophole smaller than the eye of a needle... what now?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s rainin’ again, miss Shell, y’might wanna stay in tonight.” One of the guards says.

“What?” that statement has me confused. “Can’t pegasi, like, move clouds and stuff? Why not just punch a hole in the sky or something? I doubt the middle of the road needs a soaking.”

“Cause there’s people livin’ on the clouds ‘round here. You wouldn’t like it if someone came around and punched holes in your floor just ‘cuz it’s raining, would ya?” One of the security guards says, pulling out a deck of cards.

“Yeah, half the city’s on the clouds.” Another offers.

“Don’t ask me, I don’t know a dang thing about this place. Kinda what started all this bullshit. You know, I bet there’s some pony downstairs waiting for me to leave the building so he can throw another brick at me.”

Bombshell gives me a look. “And why are ponies throwin’ bricks at’cha?”

“‘Cuz I whooped you. That’s... pretty much what the whole thing is about with them. I’m walking down the street, I get called names, I ignore ‘em, and some joker throws a cloud at me. I tell him to leave me alone. Next thing I know, half a city block is surrounding me and throwing shit.”

“Wait, where were you?” Bombshell asks.

“Downtown. I needed a cheap hotel y’know. I mean, do I look like I’m rich?”

“So... you went downtown, where more than half the people living there are basically relying on the funds I send them to live, and you’re surprised things started flyin’? You obviously ain’t rich on brains, that’s for sure.”

“Hey, I’m plenty smart, just not educated in the social issues and such around here. Though aside from that, this place is certainly better than Equestria. All the constant happy smiling faces and bright sunny days can make you feel like the only sane guy who knows that the world’s a craphole with monsters and demons and just plain ol’ psychos walking among all the normals.”

Bombshell laughs, a hearty laugh full of diaphragm. “I don’t think you give them enough credit. Y’know why we ponies are so strong?”

“Because you need to be in order to survive all the shit in the world that’s after you, right?”

“Heh, only partly. Y’see, long time ago, bajillion years or sommat, ponies didn’t have much magic more’n anything else living around, but dragons and griffons already did. Or, at least, enough to fly an’ stuff. So we changed. Some grew wings to fly away, others got super-strong and healed too quickly to be worth fighting, and the stickheads found a way to kill stuff without headbutting it. Then there’s rumors of other ponies out there, far from Equestria, which is super nice to live in. Places like th’ southern jungle sprawl. Or the far eastern deserts. Or the frozen north. All sortsa shit places, and ponies got better and better at livin’ there, till we got better at livin’ there than the stuff that was there first.”

I ponder this for a moment. “That sounds exactly like humans... except we didn’t develop anything of ourselves. We invented tools. We created weapons of mass destruction to scare others away from attacking us, explosives that could level an entire city to the ground and make it impossible to reinhabit for decades. We didn’t evolve... we invented. That’s kinda the deal with magic and why we don’t really trust it. We can’t understand it because we can’t touch it or build it. We prefer having something that can give visible results like shooting an iron ball at someone with enough force to blow them to tiny meaty bits.”

“Huh. Sounds like a blunderbuss. Buncha griffon nobles got ‘em. Still, idunno why you’d go an’ make weapons t’ blow up cities. Can’t do much raidin’ on rubble.”

“We don’t raid... well, not anymore. Now it’s just about threatening others with bigger and more destructive forces to the point that nobody would dare fight us, at the risk of having themselves and everything they know completely destroyed. We’re warmongers... but not exactly noble ones.”

Bombshell shrugs. “Weird. How d’you pay yer troops then, if not in captured colts and loot?”

“With money, duh. Everything is about money. It’s what most of our wars are about. Money money money.”

“Pfft. Can’t eat money. Can’t grow food on it, neither.”

“No, but it buys those things, so what’s the difference? At least, that seems to be the philosophy. The rich get richer and the poor just... get poorer. Life’s a shithole where I come from... though by now it’s probably a hellhole.”

“Ouch. Someone use one a them weapons of math destruction?”

“Dunno, wasn’t there for it. Wound up here. The other two came later, the girls Myrna and Anne. Myrna said that demons, who were previously nothing more than fiction to us, started destroying the planet. Anne says that they’d already destroyed pretty much everything.” I pause. “I got no home to return to from what I can tell, and everyone I knew is dead. And here I am, fucking up some random person’s life because I was a stupid, ignorant hothead... The whole ‘hero’ thing wasn’t even my idea. The ponies just started calling me that and I guess I just went along with it.”

“Stupid thing to do. Can’t say much though, did the same thing to get into the gladiators. Everyone told me I was a fighter, so I signed up, beat the snot outta some other rookies. then, I bled and bludgeoned my way t’ the top. One wingbeat atta time.”

“Guess glory isn’t exactly something you earn, just something given to you... Ah moping all night about this isn’t gonna change anything... wait, I have another idea. Wanna hear it?”

“It’s probably stupid, isn’t it?” My face must’ve given some tell one way or another. “Alright, let’s hear it. What’cher idea?”

“Well, obviously I have enough popularity elsewhere to just jump into the arena and have my name announced. How about I see about getting myself signed up late, and win the rest of the fights? I win the prize money and give it to you and you do whatever needs to be done with it?”

“Nah, y’ cheated to get in, remember? That’s a life-ban, dude. Th’ whole nobles and cheating and stuff rant, like, two minutes ago? Or, ten? Twenty? Heck, how long have we been chatting?”

“Idunno, but it feels like this conversation’s taken two days. And it’s gotten nowhere. I don’t want to just come out of this with nothing changing, or I might as well have not even tried. I know that there’s a ton of these rules but come on... there’s gotta be some bullshit we can pull, right?”

“I don’t think so. Still, thanks fer the apology and all.” She bumps me on the shoulder. “hey, since I got nothin’ planned for tomorrow now, wanna go hang out? I don’t wanna just sit in my pad and work out for the next seven months.”

“I hear ya.” Another plan jumps into my mind but... it’s not being clear. “I... might have something else to try. I guess we can talk about it tomorrow. But uh... I kinda lost that aluminum armor so cloudwalking’s out for me. That okay?”

“Yeah sure. So, you got someplace to stay tonight, preferably nearby? I can hear it pourin’ buckets from here.”

“Hmmm... well as long as they aren’t coming down too fast, I can probably stay dry enough. Though I think Anne’s still pissed at me, doubt she’d let me in the hotel room.”

“You need t’ crash on the couch? Y’ don’t seem like th’ stealin’ type.”

“Nah, it’s kinda become more of a last resort now that I’ve come here. I’ve done a bit of shoplifting back on Earth but... I don’t really seem to need to in this world. Dunno why but the urge has just gone-” I clap my hands and make a fart noise with my mouth.

Bombshell laughs, then yawns. She looks back through the open door of her apartment, and I can see a window through the doorway. At first, I think the blinds are drawn, until I realize it’s just pitch-black and raining like there’s no tomorrow. I can barely make out the tiny pinpoints of light illuminating the windows across the street from here.

“Yeah, I think I’m gonna have to stay the night. As long as it isn’t a problem. You’re like the only person in this town and a four-mile-radius around the outside that doesn’t want my head on a pike.”

“Yeah, sure. Just don’t mess things up too much. The maids come through every now and then, and I hate messin’ with ‘em. It’s like kickin’ puppies.”

“Alright, I’m probably just gonna sleep anyway. Not much else to do that won’t possibly end up with someone thinking I’m an assassin here to finish you off.”

Bombshell chuckles, and stands up. We go inside, and as I’m shutting the door, I hear one of the security guards. “I guess we’ll go back down and play cards down in the office...”

I get up and when I do, realize Bombshell is already awake. “Heh, finally awake are ya? Took y’ long enough.”

“Up, yes. Awake... give me a minute to work on that part.” I grumble in response.

“Heh, and you’re this great champion? If it takes this long for you to get moving, you got a long way to go.”

“Hey, if I’m woken up by an explosion, I’ll be on my feet and ready in seconds. Or if I smell bacon. Speaking of, when’s breakfast?”

Bombshell rolls her eyes. “You mean lunch. You really sleep y’ know. Eh, we planned on lunch anyway.”

We leave the building and as soon as I’m recognized, I get more hecklers. The insults and angry shouts continue. Bombshell facehoofs and walks in front of me, says a few choice words, and the crowd becomes less angry and more confused before dispersing, but still watches us as we look for a place to eat.

The further we go, the more the passerby stare at us and just seem bewildered that we are getting along, assuming that she should be throwing the biggest rocks or something. I guess they don’t understand that my actions weren’t meant to mess with her. We actually start forming a small crowd following behind us. They’re obviously speculating about these ‘strange’ events, though I only hear fuzzy snippets of their conversations from how much distance they are giving us.

When we find a place, we choose to eat inside as then it’d be impossible for everyone to follow us. But, inevitably, a bunch of them did get in and are still annoying us with their presence. Bombshell groans. “Can’t you all just leave!? You’ve been trailing us for the last five blocks!”

The mixture of ponies and griffons are surprised and once more start mumbling their various discussions. I stand up from my booth and walk up to the gathering. “You heard the champ. Move your rears or I’ll move ‘em for you!”

This scares the crowd enough that they dissipate, a few griffons still here. It takes me entering my heat form and melting a metal fork in my palm before they start to scootch out the door, leaving the place empty except for Bombshell and I. I sit back down. “Sometimes having a reputation of being a violent jerk is nice. My threats aren’t ignored because supposedly I’m more likely to follow through than most. Anyway, I  think my idea is a bit more fully formed. I’ll explain when we’re done eating.”

“Sounds good to me.” comes her reply, and a few moments later a waiter comes out asking for our orders.

“So, what’s this big idea of yours? We gonna sneak around town changing all the rulebooks and hope nobody notices?” Bombshell rolls her eyes.

I fold my arms. “Not at all. My idea comes from a suggestion from my guidance counselor as a solution to a different problem. Anyway, I’m banned right?” At Bombshell’s nod, I continue. “But a skinny minotaur in a costume that nobody’s heard of before would be allowed to sign up, right?”

Bombshell facehoofs. “You aren’t actually thinking of-”

“I put on a disguise, win the rest of the fights, and give the prize money to you. I mean, it shouldn’t be that hard, right?”

The mare across from me sighs. “You’d have to have some sort of reason for why you suddenly came out of nowhere, you’ll need a new name, and you need a good enough disguise. All that on top off having to win thirty more fights before the season is over, and you can’t get too banged up on any of them or the medics are gonna try and fix you up, which would require you taking off the costume. I have to say this is the dumbest plan you’ve had yet.”

“The alternative is me giving up, going home, and all these people going without food or medical supplies. I’d rather at least give it a shot.”

Bombshell sighs and holds her head with her hooves propped up on the table. “You are a complete idiot, have no idea what you’re getting into... but I guess it’s worth a try. But if something goes wrong and you’re found out... Well, plenty of folks will be pissed at you breaking the rules again and some may want you dead for breaking the rules twice in one season, especially this near the start of it.”

“Well then, let’s get working on a costume.”

“Did you hear a single word I said?” Bombshell groans, her head slumping to the tabletop.

“It’s only cheating if you get caught, right?”

“I swear, you are the stupidest person I’ve met, but I guess if someone had to win the rest of the season in my stead... you’d probably get the farthest... as long as you don’t fuck up again. If you ruin this, you are gonna wish you were never born.”

After a minute or two of us being silent, the waitress comes over with the bill. I casually push it across the table towards Bombshell. She gives me the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen. “Of course, you’re totally broke. Fine ... dumbass.”

Apparently my costume was good, as nobody’s suspected a thing so far. Granted I had to avoid making my use of powers look obvious, meaning fire and electricity were completely out. All of my features were covered, and a bit of padding was used to make me look a lot more muscular. It made moving slightly difficult, but I still won, and here it is... the last fight. As soon as I’m announced, I just have to win this final match and I come out on top. I give my winnings to Bombshell, and Anne and I get on a train and never come back... might have been a good idea to tell Anne about this plan...  oh well, no time to think about that. In thirty minutes, the showdown will begin and then this is all over and I finally make things right again.

I hear the match’s announcement and get ready for the last battle. This is where I fix my mistake and make things right. I can’t lose, because whether they know it or not, the poorer half of this city is counting on me. My challenger is announced and soon after, so am I. It’s a big griffon, of the tiger-variety, but this one seems even bigger and more muscular than the others. He looks like he could pick me up and tear me in half if he were so inclined, and he’s got these strange gauntlets that have the insides of the ‘talons’ covered in wickedly serrated edges. If those touch me, he might skin me alive!

I rush at him and we trade blows quickly. He’s not only strong, but fast too. After what feels like an eternity of combat, I end up on top of him. He grabs me with his bladed metal gloves and rakes his open ‘hand’ across me. The blades aren’t long enough to get through my costume, he only tears off a large swath of fabric. Time just seems to freeze and it takes me a moment to realize that he’s torn off most of my costume, revealing my arm and the padding underneath. Angrily the griffon grabs at me again and tears the rest of my outfit to shreds, and the crowd gasps as I feel all eyes on me. In the middle of the arena, unmasked, my identity finally known to every single pony and griffon in the stadium.

“Uh...” The announcer Big Talk seems to be at a loss for words. “Uh...”

Not that he needs to say anything. It’s clear that everyone in the stands recognizes me. All hundred thousand of them or however many this insanely huge stadium can hold. Then the booing and the yelling and the angry shouts. The crowd starts throwing things at me and the griffon starts pummeling me. A particularly heavy knock to my head leaves me feeling rather floaty and time seems to slow down, my vision kinda rippling between normalcy and darkness. I feel a sharp, grating pain in my side, a warm, wet feeling slowly growing from where I’d been cut. My brain seems to take over and I’m barely seeing events unfold through a thick mental fog. I feel a surge of energy, then wind. Like I’m moving really fast, but I can’t decipher the direction... and everything finally goes black.

I hear a loud, repetitive clacking noise and after a while my eyes let me open them. I look around weakly and as I do so, the dizzy feeling returns. I let out an involuntary groan of pain, though where I hurt I can’t seem to tell.

I reopen my eyes and I see Anne looking over me. “Where... where am I?”

“On the train...” came the rather angry reply. Train?

“That griffon cut you up badly. What were you even doing there? What was with the stupid minotaur thing? Did you really want another chance to be an asshole that badly!? I can’t believe-”

I sigh. “So I didn’t win the prize money, did I?”

Anne looks at me and I can feel her rage. “No you didn’t, you selfish, retarded asshole!!”

Damnit... I wanted to make it up to Bombshell...

“Huh?” Anne looks at me funny. Guess I said it out loud.

“I... talked with Bombshell... about her losing. Apparently since I beat her she couldn’t compete, and since I jumped in without being signed up, neither could I. I just... I wanted to win that money for her so I could fix everything I screwed up.”

Anne just gives me an even more confused look.

“Bombshell gives her prize money to charities to help the poor people get food and medicine. When I beat her, I took her out of the challenge. I wanted to win the cash so she could use it and Downtown Chickago wouldn’t risk starvation...”

Anne sighs. “Oh...” The harpy puts her face behind her wings. “Oh Anthony... You do know she gets most of her money from sponsors, right? It’s kinda like NASCAR, back on earth. Didn’t you read the booklets and stuff we showed you?”

I sigh, staring at the roof of the train car. “No, because I’m a stupid idiot who makes mistakes and tries to fix them afterwards. Come on, sure it wouldn’t have been the same, but some money would have been better than nothing. I at least wanted to try. The other option was just going home and giving the entire lower class the finger while I hop on a train and head back to Ponyville where they aren’t my problem anymore, even though I ruined their lives for the rest of the year.”

Anne sighs as well, turning glumly towards the window. “Anthony, no matter what, you need to start thinking and planning first. Okay? That’s just a suggestion from a friend.” she turns towards me again. “Let’s just get back to Ponyville, and have a quiet couple of weeks or so, alright?”

I shrug. “Given Ponyville’s tendency to be a weirdness magnet, I can’t really promise anything... but I’ll try. How’s that for a compromise?”

“Oh, alright. Just don’t stir up any trouble, or get into any arguments if you can help it.” She turns back towards the window. “Let’s just hope nothing comes up.”

Chapter 128

The train is approaching Ponyville, but the train stops with a loud bump and a jolt, the station not even in view yet. A pony wearing typical trainyard wear comes out and says that the train can’t move forward because something is blocking the tracks. We are instructed that we should wait inside the train where it is safe until help arrives or a solution is found.

I roll my eyes and just phase through the side of the train car, taking the small leap to the grass below. I walk up to the tracks and, sure enough, there’s a barrier. It’s clear, solid, and kind of spherical. It’s as if Ponyville’s been put under a giant glass dome somehow... but it’s obviously not just normal glass. Weird. Perhaps the place has been quarantined?

The idea of a zombie outbreak pervades my rational thought, claiming it is a rational thought since the confirmation that necromancy exists and therefore zombies are an actual thing and so the idea is just as likely a scenario as any other.

Oh well, guess I should prepare for the worst anyways. I go intangible and walk through the weird dome thing. Cautiously I regain tangibility, and everything seems fine. Air is still clean, no weird smells, no smoke, no screaming... Huh. There’s usually someone screaming even if the trouble is minor so that makes the fishbowl even weirder...

I head back into the train and alert the passengers that there is something going on, though the town seems fine. The ponies on board begin speculating as to what the issue could be, and a few higher-class ponies begin complaining about the unscheduled stop. Wow, way to enforce the ‘herd species’ ideal, guys. I explain that I don’t know exactly what the problem is, but I will try to fix the issue. A particularly rude mare demands I ‘make it quick’ as she has somewhere to be. Sighing, I exit the train and return to the inside of the clear dome.

I figure I might as well head to the Town Hall, figuring the mayor or someone would know what’s going on. When I get there however, I see an... odd sight. There’s a large crowd, seemingly most of the entire town, in front of the Town Hall. There’s a blue pony with a whitish mane, standing on the wooden stage platform and exalting herself in front of the crowd. When I get closer, I see that she’s a unicorn and is wearing a trinket around her neck, like a pendant or something.

Whatever it is, it looks like your run-of-the-mill ‘Artifact of Evil Power’ all the cliché villains have, with an ornate design and displaying heavy use of silver and black for its coloration, with a large dark-red gem in the center. Evil and gaudy. Great, one of those bad guys...

I decide to approach the clearly antagonistic mare anyway, stepping up onto the stage. “Hey uh, you got any idea why there’s a giant dome over the town? The trains can’t get through.”

The powder-blue unicorn turns to face me, and gives me a few looks up and down, studying me. After a moment, she speaks. “The Great and Powerful Trixie has never seen a creature such as you before. What manner of animal are you, and how could you entertain Trixie?”

Oh. She’s an egotist that talks in third person... and she called me an animal. I hate this mare already. “I’m a human and my name is Anthony. I’m sure you’ve heard of me before. You know, hero of Equestria, known leg-breaker, etcetera. Now piss off before I get pissed off.”

“Trixie is the most powerful unicorn in existence! She does not obey orders, she gives them! Now kneel, creature!”

I feel my eye twitch. “Listen up, and listen good. I don’t do the whole ‘kneeling’ thing. Now get your ass out of town before I rip out the Great and Powerful Trixie’s tongue.”

Trixie huffs, a smug look on her face. “You could not possibly imagine just how powerful Trixie is! Trixie has already proven that she is far superior to Twilight Sparkle as a magic user, what makes you think you can do anything?”

Huh, she kicked out Twilight? Dang, wish I could have seen that. Still, this new mare is already on my nerves. “I know I can outdo you because of one simple fact: I’m awesome, and anything you can do, I can do better!”

Trixie glares at me. “Trixie can do anything better than you!”

I roll my eyes. “No you can’t.”

The glare intensifies. “Yes I can!”

Wow, I actually broke the whole ‘third-person’ thing. She must be mad... “No you can’t!”

“Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can!!” Trixie shouts at me in a rage. Her horn glows a rather disturbing red and I’m flung backwards at high speed. I go intangible just before I hit a house and just sail right through it. When my momentum slows down, I get back up and walk back to the Town Hall. “Is that all you got?”

Trixie stares surprisedly, but then angrily once more. “You are certainly an interesting creature, but you are still no match for Trixie’s power! Trixie may have started as a mere showmare, but now she is the highest level unicorn this world has ever known!”

“Showmare? What, like an entertainer? Well sorry to break it to you, but I’m better at that than you are for sure!”

“Feast your eyes then, pathetic creature, as you are about to bear witness to the greatest feats of magic ponykind has ever seen!” She proceeds to summon a huge load of fireworks and rockets out of nowhere and shows off a few interesting tricks, the equal to which would be a magician for a five-year-old’s birthday party, though with a bit of unicorn magic thrown in, it is obviously done with more than just sleight of hand. However, as the set goes on, it actually starts getting pretty impressive to be honest. I don’t deny it, the mare has skills.

Once her rather long yet interesting-to-witness routine is finished, the crowd claps weakly, apparently very afraid of not complimenting her. Trixie gives me a cocky grin. “You couldn’t possibly outdo that!”

I roll my eyes. “The most important part of being an entertainer is entertaining the audience. It’s not judged on how skilled you are, but the crowd’s reaction.” I walk closer to center stage, taking the Lyre and holding it in my hand. “That said, watch and learn, noob.”

I begin playing the first song to pop into my head that would fit the situation. I hold the Lyre in my hand and strum it, calling forth an electric guitar’s style of sound and that of a drum behind it. Then I start singing, the song I’m playing taking me back to my childhood and reminding me of doing battle with what I still think is probably the coolest boss in video game history. As my joy increases, the night-sky effect crawls up my arms slowly before disappearing under the sleeves of my t-shirt. The crowd is moving to the music, clearly enjoying it. Trixie is not amused, but I can tell it’s taking her a bit of effort to not start dancing as well.

After a few minutes, the song is over and the crowd is cheering happily. I raise my starry fist in the air and shout to my audience. “Tell me who you love!”

The large gathering of ponies chant my chosen name happily, many of the smaller kids getting up on their parents’ backs to get higher. At the sheer amount of adulation I’m getting compared to the polite clapping Trixie got, I feel fantastic! Once the cheering dies down and my arms’ coloration has returned to normal, I turn to Trixie. “And that’s how you entertain. Looks like another loss for The Lame and Pitiful Windbag.”

Trixie narrows her eyes and, with a scream of rage, her horn lights up. I see a tiny ball of energy forming at her horn’s tip and suddenly sparks of red lightning shoot from her horn. I’m barely fast enough for it to register, but I manage to cancel it out before I’m struck.

Trixie looks at me in utter surprise. Becoming angry once more, she fires a barrage of crackling, arcing magic blasts at me, but now that I’m aware of being attacked, I nullify each burst of magic, dispelling them as they approach me. Trixie growls angrily. “Trixie may not know how you have such skill in counterspells, but Trixie does know that she can easily outlast you! You shall feel The Great and Powerful Trixie’s wrath!”

I sigh as I ‘counter’ another volley of magically conjured lightning blasts. “Could you quit with the third-person bullshit? All it does is show off how much of an attention whore you are.”

“You shall burn for your insolence!” She screams dramatically as I see a huge wall of red and purple fire surround me. I barely have enough time to register it, and the heat makes me feel weak. I do manage to get into my Heat form though, and I feel much better, knowing that now all I have to do is wait it out.

It takes a minute, but the flames die down and I’m standing where I was, orange flames leaping from my skin, seeming to be burned alive to the untrained eye. Trixie laughs. “Ha! The same fate shall befall any who dare oppose the Great and Pow-”

“Enough with the fucking self-promotion!” Trixie turns and looks aghast at me as I extinguish my flaming form. “News flash, bitch: Fire and lightning don’t work on me and they never will.”

Trixie stammers incoherently, wide-eyed as she backs away from me. I walk closer as she retreats. “So, are you going to get rid of the fishbowl and get your ugly mug out of town and never ever come back, or do I have to beat you senseless first?”

“Trixie will never surrender!” Her horn glows and I prepare to stop whatever she throws at me next, but instead I feel myself grow smaller. A very strange and slightly itchy sensation washes over me slowly as I continue to shrink. Eventually I stop shrinking and the sensation stops, though I still feel somewhat itchy. I hear the now gigantic Trixie laugh.

*Squeak squeak squeak squeak!* What the heck? *squeak!* Is that my voice!? Ohhh shit. What did she do to me!?

I look down at myself and realize that, on top of having a furry snout significantly different to that of a pony’s, I am rather furry all over with a pair of paws with fingers, though I lack thumbs. I’m a rat!

Trixie looks down at me, grinning evilly. “For your disobedience and insubordination, you shall live the rest of your pathetic life as a common gerbil!” Oh. I’m a gerbil. I knew that. “Now, Ponyville, bow to your new ruler, and do all she demands, or an even worse fate shall befall the entire town!” She finishes her speech off with a slightly maniacal laugh and I take my chance to haul tail, one of which I now have, away from the insane mare and to find someplace safe. Preferably with sunflower seeds and some sand. Maybe someplace where I can dig- Oh dear sweet goddesses of Hylia, what is happening to my brain!?

Chapter 129

I’m scurrying around Ponyville trying to get my bearings. With everything being so big, I can’t tell where I am or where I’m going anymore. My stupid gerbil brain is also being a pain, keeping me from thinking clearly. All I can manage to do is run around like an idiot and squeak my -Ooh, sunflowers!- head off!

Mentally slapping myself, I keep moving. That crazy unicorn will have a hard time coming after me if I keep moving, something I can agree with my instincts on. I’ve tried catching rats before, and it was not only stupid because they can easily bite your finger if you’re not careful, but also because they’re very slippery.

Turning a corner around a planter-box, I dash straight into a towering pillar of black, a soft blue block of fabric cushioning my impact. Blinking and looking up, I see a yellow shape inside a black hood, but my weaker rodent eyes can’t make out anything at this distance. However, the sudden arrival of anything makes me scream internally, and I have to stamp on the urge to drop the contents of my bowels everywhere and dig for my life.

‘Hey, you! Help me!’ *Squeak! Squeak!* Oh... right... fuck.

“Now now, I know you’re scared, little one, but I have to- to go on a s-s-s-secret mission.” The voice is familiar, and immediately soothes my tiny mammalian brain. That stutter at the end cinches it, though, and I recognize Fluttershy... and realize the reason for her quiet voice. Previously, Trixie’s voice had physically hurt from how loud it’d gotten, but Fluttershy’s is... nice. Or maybe that’s why she’s good with animals, rather than the other way around, not sure. Oh, wait, she’s walking away!

‘Hey, ‘Shy! Get back here, where’s Twilight? Make her fix this, damnit!’ ...of course, nothing but squeaks... I just slap myself in the face. This is annoying.

“Now you watch your language little mister!” Wait, what? Did she just actually...

‘Fluttershy, listen very carefully. It’s me. Anthony. That bitch Trixie pulled some crazy trick on me and turned me into this! I’m kinda freaking out over here!’ For once, I’m content with the squeaks, because I’m actually understood! Progress!

“Do I need to remind you again? I don’t want to hear that kind of language from y- wait, Anthony?!” Took her a moment for that to catch up with her.

‘Know anybody else who swears like a sailor and has a tendency to flip out when he’s spontaneously given a new body?’

“Uhm... no? Wait, did you run afoul of Trixie, too?” She stops, shakes her head and continues. “Wait, you already said that. What are you doing over here though?”

‘Trixie said she kicked Twi out of town already. What’s this secret mission? You gonna get her back?’

Fluttershy quickly turns her head from left to right, glancing suspiciously down each street and even looking up for good measure. Then, she scoops me up with a wing, and deposits me in a zippered pocket. “I’ll explain later. For now, just come with me! I have to get to Mr. Beaver’s lodge, soon.”

This whole gerbil thing is gonna be weird... isn’t it? Oh well, free rides... though now that I have significantly less skin, Fluttershy is noticeably less soft. Hello lack of surface nerve endings.

Several minutes of sleep-inducing rocking back and forth, and I started to realize at least what ponies see in Fluttershy. In spite of her noticeably cushiony exterior, she just didn’t stop going. She must’ve been going at a good trot, maybe ten miles an hour, for almost twenty minutes straight, before ducking into a log. I don’t understand why, but the pocket’s comfy, and now it’s getting warm from the log being a confined space and all that.

Whoo, all that running around really took it out of me... So tired...

‘So uh... what’s the plan now?’

‘Na now laddie, th’ Shy mother be sneakin past yonder glass, ye’ ken?’ The strong scottish accent makes me crinkle my tiny muzzle in confusion. Who the hell just answered me?

I look around and, aside from Fluttershy, all I see is a pair of beavers... nobody else- waitaminute... oh great, this is another one of those cliche ‘all animals speak the same language and understand each other’ deals. Goddammit, that’s just straight up Disney bullshit... oh well.

‘So uh... what do I do, then?’

‘Ye keep yer noggin down an yer whinin’ t’ th’ lit’lest. Y sh’ be rejoicin’ I ken the language o’ the wee scampers, else ye’d been stuck in th’ dark, in mor’n one way. Now hush!’ The beaver shushes me just as they begin to bounce the log off the barrier, making the entire thing crackle and the log itself jolt and jostle, Fluttershy curled up in the darkest reaches of the hollowed-out log.

A great scraping and huffing sounds from outside the log, and I can barely glimpse the very top of some sort of gold-wreathed tent sliding slowly into view. I can hear Trixie shouting and yelling at the top of her lungs, before a glow covers the barrier, and the beavers are let through. It’s so different, being outside, with the sounds of animals and nature everywhere, after the sterile quiet of the quarantined town.

Moments later, Fluttershy tries to chicken out. To my surprise, a ton of tweeting birds aren’t having any of it, and proceed to lift us like helicopters carrying a whale between them, Fluttershy making the most adorable squeaking noises and talking about how she’d like to be brave at home, preferably under her blanket with her teddy bear.

‘Fluttershy, either get yourself together, or I will find a way to fix this myself, and I guarantee you that if it’s up to me, Trixie will have to be buried as giblets.’

That seems to galvanize her to action, and I get to spend the next twenty-plus minutes once more feeling her muscles bunch and release under her coat. I’m not sure how she’s able to keep moving at this pace, given how non-athletic she is. Eh, ponies are horses, I guess. Go figure.

It takes me a minute to realize we are going into the Everfree forest. ‘Uh, why are we coming here? I thought we were going to get Twilight? Why would she spend her banishment in the local monster-pit?’

“She’s going to see Zecora, who might be able to help. I just hope it worked...” Fluttershy sounds a little winded, but also very worried. Maybe she’s running off a sort of variant mother instinct, what with her friends in danger and all.

‘Zecora... I think I heard that name before. Who is he again?’

“She is a zebra shaman who lives in the Everfree. She’s really wise, and really nice. Ponyville wasn’t always so nice to her, though, but Twilight helped stop that a few years ago.”

‘Wait, you’re telling me a herd species had trouble with accepting someone who is practically a distant cousin to your genus? That just sounds kinda stupid.’

“She acted so creepy, and different! Only Twilight had even heard of Zebras around here before, and she looked so strange... I’m not proud of assuming what I did, but it was for what seemed like good reasons at the time.”

‘And it took the local shut-in to explain to you how racist and close-minded you’ve been? Jeez, they are right. Ponyville is sheltered as fuck!’

“What did I tell you about your language?!” I feel an actual wave of fear run through me at her tone, though she doesn’t even take the time to look at me as she continues pathfinding in the dense Everfree undergrowth.

‘That uh... you don’t like it?’ I don’t know how, but Fluttershy just became the most terrifying thing I can imagine... she didn’t even do anything.

“And don’t make me wash your mouth out! I have soap bars used often enough to fit even in your little mouth, mister!” I have the strongest urge to just curl and die making her disappointed.

‘Y- yes ma’am...’

“Now, Zecora’s hut should be right about...”

So introductions are finally finished, and I’ve met Zecora. Quite the character this one. She seems very... African. Zebra indeed, as she was striped in grey and white and she had her mane in a tall mohawk, and seems to have a thing for wearing loops of gold. She also has a tendency to speak only in rhyme, which I can barely follow at times. I tried starting a conversation about oranges, earning a brief dirty look from her, which might just have been a trick of the light.

‘So Twilight, how about changing me back now?’ Fluttershy interprets my squeaking and relays my question.

Twilight looks down sadly. “I- I’m sorry, but I don’t think I could. Trixie is so powerful now that she has the Alicorn Amulet...”

‘So? Take it from her.’

“But how can I do that? She wears it, and I can’t overpower her the way she is! How am I supposed to beat that amulet? My magic’s not good enough...”

Zecora does her little cryptic rhyming schtick and... it actually gives Twilight an idea. Glad one of us understands this zebra’s mumbo jumbo crazy talk. Why can’t she just speak like a normal person? It’s like she only does it to make herself stand out more as a person, as if already being striped in contrasting colors wasn’t enough to recognize her by.

Oh well, looks like it’s back to Ponyville.

‘So let me get this straight. Your huge amazing plan for beating Trixie... is cheating?’

Once Fluttershy interprets my squeaks, I get a dirty look from Twilight. “It’s not cheating! It’s using friends to help aid me in tricking her into giving up the amulet!”

‘But in a one-on-one duel, you’re supposed to win without help from anyone else during said duel. That’s what one-on-one means right?’ Fluttershy translates.

Twilight looks thoughtful for a moment. “Well yeah, but she’s using the amulet! That’s cheating too!”

I roll my tiny eyes and mimic holding a paper and pencil. ‘Dear Princess Celestia, today your faithful student has taught me that two wrongs make a right, and that cheating is perfectly okay as long as the other person cheated first.’ Twilight looks at Fluttershy, silently asking what I said. Fluttershy looks rather downcast and just mumbles. I facepalm.

The door opens. “Hey all, I’m back. Whoo, you wouldn’t believe what Ponyville looks like now.”

At Myrna’s voice, I turn and see- Gigantic snake! Ho-ly SHIT!!!!

And I do. Shit myself that is. That done, I rush around the library, my rodent brain screaming instinctual instructions at me, the sudden presence of the hyper-predator kicking me into overdrive. I look for anywhere to hide that could resemble safety from my impending future as an appetizer. Finding a small knothole, I rush for it and take refuge inside the tree between the walls.

“What was that?” I hear the quizzical voice of my serpentine doom.

“That um... that was Anthony...”

‘I’m not coming out until she leaves!!’

“Oh, and he says he’s not coming out until you leave... he uh, he’s a gerbil now.”

“Wait, what? Then why is he afraid? I don’t eat anything smaller than the occasional turkey...” I hear the dreaded hissing of one of her hair-snakes, and try huddling further into the tiny knothole I’d claimed.

‘I bet that’s what you say to all the rodentia, she-devil!’

“He’s, uh, trying really hard to still look brave for you.” Fluttershy helpfully translates, the dire traitor.

A shadow blots out the light streaming in through the knothole, and I force myself as tightly against the wood as I can, even when I hear a few bones maybe pop and/or creak painfully. Slowly, a gigantic, menacing snake head, like the gaping jaws of a hydra, forces itself into my sanctum, the amber-yellow eyes staring at me, cold reptilian hunger gleaming in its depths.

And no, I’m not making any of this up! That snake’s going to eat me, I just know it!

‘You can have my firstborn if you let me live, I swear!’

“Uhm, he says he’s happy to see you’re alright, Myrna.”

“Aww, he’s so sweet. And he looks so cute like that. Anyways, if there’s any way I can help out, just say so, okay Fluttershy?”

“Of course, Myrna.” The snake head retreats from the hole, and I hear a soft sound outside.

‘You can help by leaving and never coming back! Unless you have food. When’s dinner?’

“She’s gone, Anthony. And I have a few pine-nuts here, if you’d like.”

I proceed to rush towards the offering of food at light-speed and wait for the treat to be placed in front of me. When it is, I proceed to stuff my face. Okay, point in favor of animals. Nobody gives you odd looks if you just shovel food into your cheeks with both hands.

“Ooh, you are sooo cute when you do that.”

I give Fluttershy a glare, grab a few more nuts, and head back to the knothole.

After getting fished out of the knothole by a surprisingly dextrous wingtip, I’m brought back to Ponyville with Fluttershy, and get a sort of first row seat. First mane seat, I suppose, because I’m clinging to Fluttershy’s ear with a death grip.

There’s nothing much to say, though. Trixie does some spells that everyone says are impossible, Twilight mimics them with -ironically enough- stage magic, and then finally tops Trixie with... Pinkie being normally Pinkie.

‘But that’s not even a magic trick! Pinkie does that on her own!’ I squeak. Fluttershy shushes me. ‘But... but... you guys have the power to alter the world around you with mystic forces, bending the rules of the universe to your will in minor amounts... and you cheat anyway!?’

“It’s not cheating if nopony can explain how she does it. It might even be magical.” Fluttershy reassures me.

Then, I see Trixie snatch the fake amulet from Twilight, and take off the one everyone’s been calling the ‘Alicorn Amulet’. Seriously, someone needs to talk to their history-keepers about the names these artifacts are given. Either way though, I have to wonder why Trixie doesn’t just put on both? Downgrade or not, why ditch what’s been working already, in favor of what looks like something better? Why do villains never keep their other superweapons around as backup anyway? God, this is like a Saturday morning cartoon!

With a quick grab of the actually-functional Amulet, Twilight secures her victory. With a flash, I’m sitting on Fluttershy, who seems rather... upset. Maybe it’s because my butt’s in her face.

I get off of her and walk up to Trixie. “So... how’s this all gonna end?”

The mare looks up at me and Twilight, and breaks into tears. While I’m not impressed, Twilight forgives the mare, and I just sigh.

“You realize that all this garbage is all her fault, right? Why would you just forgive her, or did you forget she literally banished you from your own hometown?”

“The amulet corrupts anyone who wears it, Anthony. It’s not her fault she got like this.” Twilight says, standing defensively between me and Trixie. Jeez, does she think I’m going to attack her? She’s already beaten, that much is obvious.

“Yeah, alright, and I suppose that a magical, forbidden artifact of evil just happened to appear around her neck? I’m willing to bet that she actively sought out and retrieved it simply for this purpose. Unless the corruption effect works even when you aren’t wearing it. But if that’s the case, why would she go out and look for an artifact of ultimate power if revenge wasn’t her goal?”

“Trixie just wanted to fix her wagon.” the blue mares says, still sounding disconsolate.

“Oh bullshit! Like you couldn’t just, I don’t know, pay someone else to fix it? That’s like trying to dry someone off with a tornado!” For some reason, Rainbow Dash blushes and turns away at the analogy. Trixie, however, looks flabbergasted.

“Paid someone to... fix...” Oh no, she never thought of it, did she? “How could Trixie have overlooked that?!” Wow. I feel the overwhelming urge to facepalm my head off and be done with this.

“Oh goddamnit! Welcome to Ponyville, where the villains are fucking idiots, the townsfolk are a bunch of close-minded racists, and the paragons of friendship are a bunch of morally ambiguous cheaters!” I shake my head and wander off to chat with Anne.

Who’s still on the train. Shit!

Chapter 130

The first thing I have in mind is apologizing to Anne. I mean, the whole ‘Chickago’ fiasco, not telling her anything, and then just kind of leaving her on the train while important stuff happens... I don’t want her to get the idea that I don’t care that she likes me. I need to fix this.

Getting up, I make my way towards Fluttershy’s cottage. The Trixie thing was already a week ago by this point, and I can see that they’ve already managed to take down the last of the statues of her. Seriously, that mare was nuts, and that’s aside from the supposed corruption. Oh well, I figure if she comes back I’m allowed to give her a few punches to the face. Turning me into a gerbil: not cool.

After a few knocks on Fluttershy’s door, the pegasus answers, greeting me happily. I quickly inquire about Anne’s whereabouts; Anne has apparently taken to ‘lurking’ in a large dead tree on one side of the large meadow Fluttershy’s cultivated for her bunnies, rodents, and other such small creatures to live at.

I make my way to the tree, it being pretty easy to find as most of the other trees around are very much alive. Oh well, guess it’s not really supposed to be a hiding spot anyway. I get close enough to the tree and reflexively knock on it, as if there was a door. I feel like a moron, but in my defense, a lot of trees around here seem to be made into houses and have front doors.

Anne peers down from one of the upper branches, where her talons are sunk into the wood to give her enough purchase. “Oh, hey Anthony.” She doesn’t sound angry. She also doesn’t sound happy, either.

“Hey, uh... listen. I know things have... gotten really shitty really fast and I’ve been kind of a prick. I guess what I’m saying is... I’m sorry, but if you still wanna drop out, I won’t blame you. This probably won’t be the last time I do something stupid, or mean or, selfish, or-”

“Or any combination thereof?” Anne raises an eyebrow at me, though it’s a little hard to see her expression over her ‘mountain range’.

“Y- yeah. I don’t want you to think that I’m treating you like crap on purpose. I just... I forget that the consequences of my actions aren’t limited to hitting me. This isn’t the first time I did something stupid, understanding I’d get in trouble, but didn’t mean for friends to get caught in the backlash... I know I deserve what I get, usually. I just forget people around me can also get hit by it, y’know?”

“Yeah, I get it. You’re getting used to having your powers still. I guess not having flashy powers like you and Myrna makes it a bit easier to learn about mine.”

“Flashy being a relative term. Your entire body is literally a reflective surface.”

“Yeah, I suppose. But you make fire, and lightning, and bright flashes of light. I can’t do that, all I can do is fly and not be seen.”

“You have the ability to fly, use bladed attacks, access to corrosive poison, and you can move around completely undetectable. You are the perfect stealth-rogue, so don’t give me that ‘I’m not very powerful’ shit.”

“I didn’t say that... I just don’t think I’m as powerful as, say, Rainbow Dash, or even Rarity. I can’t do as much with my feathers, even if I can fold them to act like big cartoon fingers. But they’re so sharp that when I concentrate on them for anything that it’s so hard to pick up things without chopping them in half!”

“Yeah, and apparently every time I use my stellar powers, I run the risk of going nova, obliterating myself and everything around me. Powers come with drawbacks, it’s not something only you deal with.”

“Yeah, but yours don’t keep you from drinking like normal people... in fact, if you ended up on old earth, you’d never get noticed for having powers, I’d bet.” A bitter tone creeps into her voice, and she withdraws a bit, becoming less visible in the high branches of the dead hardwood.

“Alright alright, so I admit not having thumbs sucks. A lot. But you may not be as inconvenienced as you think.”

“Oh?”

“Well for one... uh... hmmm. You could... uh, if you wanted to be a chef you’d always have a knife?”

“Ha ha. So funny.” If her tone was any drier, plants would be withering.

“Hey, not my fault I don’t know everything you can do. Besides, a lot of my powers are somewhat limited outside of combat too. My last job, I moved coal. Literally. Not a whole lot of application there.”

“Uhm... you could use it to throw fire, if you lit the coal. A little bit of your star power, and the coal...”

“I can either use star powers, coal manipulation, or growing. I can only powermix with star powers because it has... ‘branches’. Using one power cancels out another I’m using. While you never have to worry about that. Nor Myrna.”

“I guess not... oh, hey, I heard about ‘Nightmare Night’, and it sounds a lot like Halloween. It’s going to be coming after some big early-fall thing in Canterlot.” Anne’s voice sounds a little clearer as she leans over once again. And once again, it’s hard to see her face.

“Dunno about the thing with Canterlot, though given what the place is usually like it’ll probably be just some lame art show. As for Nightmare Night, I’ve already got some plans for that.”

“Oh? Care to share them?”

“Well, maybe only a little. I will be wearing a costume that I can make more realistic with my powers.” I keep the details cryptic, just to give her a challenge.

“Well, fine. But now I have to make up a costume! Hmm... Fluttershy knows how to sew, maybe I’ll ask her.” Wait, Fluttershy knows sewing? Hmm... maybe that shouldn’t surprise me, given how hard she falls into some of the older stereotypes for women’s behavior.

“Well, I’m going to be getting a few things from Rarity. Wanna guess what I’m gonna get?”

“Nicer clothes? Those are starting to get a bit... stiff-looking. Have you even washed them recently?” I stop, and check my shirt. Sure enough, it is looking rather worse for the wear. Maybe I should have a laundry day sometime this week. Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable.

“Yeah, maybe some new clothes, but I meant for my costume. Here’s a hint: One of the objects is going to make my face completely white and featureless.”

“Slenderman?”

“No! Not s- no! He’s not even scary at all!”

“B- but he steals people away! Like kids!”

“Yeah, and so do lots of monsters. He’s a tall guy in a suit who acts like a pedophile but doesn’t actually do anything with the kids. Not that scary.”

“Fine. You can go be macho, mr. ‘nothing-scares-me-at-all’, I’m going to go back to watching over the meadow. I saw a rabbit den setting up in the far west section, and they know that’s the groundhog’s territory.”

“So? Not like rabbits being assholes is a new thing around here. Well okay, it’s only one but you get the point.”

“Oh, he’ll have his day.” The words send an uncharacteristic chill down my spine, and I see Anne staring pointedly at a tiny dot of white moving on the far side of the meadow. I can’t even see that end of the meadow clearly, but Anne apparently can.

“So you also have eagle-eyes. Why are you complaining about your powerset again?”

“Not now, it looks like Angel and his posse’s meeting again. I need to go break up another celery-selling attempt.” with that, the bronze harpy takes to the sky and lets out an ear-splitting, fear-inducing tseeer! of predatory intent. The tiny little dots of white, brown, and black break and scatter as Anne dives at them a few times.

Wait... Celery?! Why would... no, I don’t want to know.

One of the brown shapes sprints past in my direction, and my reflexes let me turn fast enough to get a good look at it. It’s a hefty, six-limbed cat-weasel, and it’s moving like a bat out of hell to escape Anne’s fury. A moment later, and the cream-and-brown pelt is in the Everfree near Fluttershy’s house and still accelerating as it enters the tree line, becoming arboreal in moments and is gone almost instantly.

Well, that’s not something you see every day... guess I’ll leave her to it. I wonder how Myrna’s doing.

I get to the park, which seems to be her sleeping place of choice and search through the green leaves for an indication of where she is. That is one thing, she can hide pretty well in trees. Or as trees, depending on how she’s arranged.

I finally find her at work, instead, a large sandbox having been erected with smooth, rounded borders of stone. A set of stone blocks, shaped somewhat like LEGOs, are scattered in the sand. A few foals are happily playing in the sand, with Myrna working on gouging a trench from the loam and earth of the park. Slowly, the trench becomes an oblong bubble-like shape, a not-quite hemisphere stretched into the ground.

“You’re making... a pool?” I guess out loud.

“Pond, actually. The Mayor asked me to help with a few renovations they can’t get heavy machinery in to work on. The paths are too narrow without wrecking flowerbeds, knocking over trees, etc. Give me a minute or two, and I’ll be able to talk.” Myrna grabs another chunk of stony soil, the loam and dirt atop already cleared and set aside for placement elsewhere by a team of earth ponies. gray stone gauntlets cover her arms, though they’re caked with dirt and sand.

After she finishes hollowing out the pond, she dives underground, returning with stones that she pulverize and pack into the sides of the pond. I guess she’s sealing the sides? I just stand around waiting for her to finish. Not really much else to do.

She finally finishes and dusts off her hands, shattering the gauntlets and leaving the flakes in the pond. It’s an almost idle action, so I have to wonder if the stone she uses is naturally brittle or if she’s just that strong. She slides over to me, and I can see she’s gotten a bit darker, a worker’s tan covering her face. She’s not wearing her usual hoodie, instead she’s got a nice green top that matches her scales. I’m guessing Rarity made it for her.

“So, how’ve you been?” I shrug as I start a conversation.

“Been busy. I like being helpful.” Myrna settles into a wide coil around me, before patting her scaled body. “Want a seat?”

I sit down. “Yeah, being helpful is nice and all, I just don’t really make that big of an effort to seek it out. I just do favors as I’m asked... within reason of course.”

“Makes sense. So, how was Chickago?”

“Awful, and not at all what I was expecting. Long story short, I’m probably never going back again unless I want to get mauled to death.”

“What did you do?” Her tone sounds vaguely accusatory.

“Something of great consequence that seemed like an awesome idea at the time. You know, the usual.”

“Wonderful. So, what’re you up to today?”

“Nothing really. I guess I’m going to get part of my Nightmare Night costume from Rarity, but that can wait for tomorrow I guess.”

“Nightmare night? What’s that?”

“It’s Halloween but with a different name.”

“Huh. Sounds like it could be fun, but I don’t know what I could go as. Not many costumes’d fit me, y’know?”

“You could be... a drainage pipe. Those are green sometimes.”

“Oh, thanks!” Myrna says, playfully shoving me. Unfortunately, she’s strong enough to tow boulders, and I go flopping a bit painfully across the grass. Ow.

“Hey! You know, just because ideas are offered doesn’t mean you have to take them!”

“Well, maybe I’ll go as a pipe... with a Piranha Plant at the end. Not sure my hair would let me paint ‘em up, though.”

“Wow, you had to make a Mario joke? I meant when copper pipes turn green because of age!”

“Oh, do you not like Mario? I thought it was a good idea...” She looks a little sad at that. “Ah well. I’ll figure out something.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Mario, just... really, not everything I say is a joke. Okay the pipe suggestion was but... you know what I mean.”

“I could go as a pipe... of tobacco.” Myrna’s teasing me now, I’m almost totally sure of it.

“But how would you fit the shape and keep it all night?”

“Can’t give away all my secrets just because you’re giving me a lapdance, you know.”

“...wow, you are really stretching for this. You know, the more often you say stuff like that, the less of a reaction it’s going to get. Besides, practically your entire body is ‘lap’ anyway.”

“Yeah, I know.” Myrna says, not elaborating on which she’s agreeing to. She smiles widely, showing hints of her sharp teeth.

I roll my eyes. “Anyway, I have a free day today, like usual. Wanna do something?”

“Well, I’ve found I have a poor reaction to ice-cream, more’s the pity, but I’d be up for a movie. And yes, they have movies here, and even a movie theater. It’s all really old, hand-colored stuff, like the original color Disney things, but I hear they’re pretty good. Probably cutesy as hell, knowing this place, but not necessarily bad.”

“Probably wouldn’t even have the balls to kill off Bambi’s mom.”

“Heh, you’re on.”

Oh god, I think my tears are crying. They booed my music off the stage and they let this tragedy play in theaters? What the hell is wrong with them? These guys... they dislike my dark and depressing songs, but they build monuments so that nobody forgets about death being a thing, and then they make this!? I don’t even know what to think.

“Well that was... something to see. That I didn’t really need to see.” I say, offering my two cents to Myrna.

The snake-woman is visibly crying and puffy-eyed. “Why did they have to kill them both? He was just a little foal!” Man, she got hit hard by this. A new burst of tears wets her face.

“Because... fuck happy endings?” I offer. Myrna just sobs. I shrug. “A good prospective boyfriend would probably say something to make you feel better, but I honestly have no idea what to say. Sorry.”

Myrna puts her face to my shoulder, and I feel her tears wet my shirt. “That was horrible.”

“Yeah, but informative. It means I can go all out on Nightmare Night, so that’s that I guess.”

After about ten minutes of consoling Myrna, she’s ready to head off, the day coming to a close. With a sigh, I head towards the Library. I get there, in time to see the gray pegasus with the adorable daughter, putting some mail into the mail slot on the door. The mailmare flies off before I get there.

Looking at the mail as I step inside, I realize I haven’t checked to see if I’ve gotten any letters from anyone, other than those creepy admirers, and the adulating children, though those are fewer in number. I move the mail to a table to get dealt with later, and yawn. I can sort the mail in the morning, and that’ll give me a whole day to deal with any problematic ones and feel better with the kids’ letters.

Chapter 131

After a decent sleep, I wake up, being the first to actually be awake as usual. I head downstairs and, roasting me some toast with my fire powers, I sit down at the center table of the library and sift through the mail.

Twilight, Twilight, Twilight, me, me, Twilight, ...Spike? Huh, oh well. Twilight, Twilight, me, me, and me. Wait a sec.

I look closer at the second to last letter and realize it’s from Manehattan, but in a business envelope. Vaguely recognizing the address, I realize I got a letter from Fluke. Oh yeah, I’m supposed to check in with him every once in awhile. Oh well, let’s see what he says.

        To Anthony, Starborne Ward of Equestria,

This is more or less me checking in with you. For now, I think I’ve done what I can without further input, and I hope your recent time since leaving Manehattan has done you well. I know you chafed a bit under the requirements you had, but I’m sure you feel better after doing so much to help.

On a more personal note, if you have any wishes to go over your Hearts & Hooves Day plans, I’m more than willing to speak with you, so to say.

        I wish you the best,

                Double Fluke

I figure I might as well start on the response now rather than later. I’m just not that big on ‘formal’ letters.

        Hi Fluke.

This is more or less me responding. Yeah, Chickago didn’t go well at all, and I’ve already proven your idea to pass me off as a minotaur was a flop, so... yeah. I’m probably not going back, lest a riot breaks out.

As for H&H day... it really wasn’t that special. Okay, a lot happened, but not a whole lot of progress was made in the way of me getting a girlfriend, though it being Valentine's Day Hearts and Hooves had pretty much nothing to do with said events. Though a solution to the ‘deciding’ part is currently in progress.

        Awaiting your response and thoughts,

                Anthony

I copy the address from his letter onto an envelope and stick it in the mailbox before remembering I have to take it to the post office. I should suggest the ‘flag up’ idea to these guys. Oh well. I set aside my letter and flip through the rest of the ones I’d received.

It’s just more of the usual, though there’s less detail to the raunchy letters, most of them just asking for a ‘roll in the hay’ ‘night in the sack’ or whatever euphemism they use.

Onto the kids’. Which are all pretty nice, calling me a hero and how awesome I am and how they’re wondering if I’m gonna have a toy made of me. That would be awesome! It could have LEDs on parts of it and light up and... right. No LEDs in technologically-simple land... I could totally help these guys get with the machinery and stuff if I knew how any of it worked.

Walking around to let my hand un-cramp, I think about my costume for Nightmare Night. I guess I should go visit Rarity.

I get to the Boutique and knock on the door a few times. No answer. Odd. If she’s out, she always has a note or something, and I know she’s awake by now... Trying the doorknob I see that it turns. She didn’t lock the door so she’s definitely open... could she just not hear me knocking?

I walk inside and my nose is hit by a vaguely familiar smell. My brain swears I know it, but I just can’t place it. It’s like something burning, but it doesn’t smell like food, and it’s not like the smell of something being on fire...

Is Rarity burning incense? That could be it, I guess. I suppose she might be the type, but my mom only burned it on special occasions. As far as I know, nothing special is happening today. I continue through the house and I note that the odd smell is getting stronger, and I see Rarity doing... something. Like she’s just messing with something in her hooves, completely enamored by it, but I can’t tell what it is.

“Rarity?”

She doesn’t seem to notice me, but after a moment, slowly looks up to see me. She seems a bit distracted.

“Oh, hello dear. I’m afraid the boutique isn’t open for business right now. If you could come back later, that would be most... most...” her eyes unfocus slightly, and she stares at the wall over my head. “I never noticed, but there’s a speck of blue in my wallpaper, right above the door.”

“Rarity... are you feeling alright? If you’re closed, you should lock the door... hey! I’m talking to you! Did you get enough sleep last night?”

She snaps her attention back to me. “Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry dear, I’m not being very hospitable. Spitable. Strange word to be part of hospitable. Would you like some cookies? I started on a batch a little while ago, they should be done soon.” A ding echoes from the kitchen, and she takes a moment to notice. “Ooh! Cookies!” She stands up and happily trots into her kitchen.

I follow her, completely confused at her odd behavior. This is so unlike her to be, slow, distracted, and... and...

“Oh, I guess they were brownies. My apology, Anthony. Would you like some?” She looks up at me, her muzzle streaked with chocolate. She swallows the lump of cooling brownie as her magic offers up a large lump of delicious-smelling brownie.

Despite her odd demeanor, I’m not one to turn down chocolate, so I take it, and notice it has a very faint, odd aftertaste. I look down at the bite I’d just taken. A tiny piece of green sticks out of the side.

Veggies in brownies? I don’t get it. I mean, I know the whole plant deal is kind of their thing but... wait a minute. “Rarity... are you high!?”

She just stares at me like my face is the most interesting thing in the entire universe, and doesn’t even respond this time. “Oh my god you’re stoned!” Then the realization hit me. “Oh dear god... I just ate...” My mind races for a moment before I just give up. “Well fuck it, if there’s ever going to be a time for me to find out what it’s like...” But I still just... I mean... Rarity!? That is just weird...

Anyways, I figure I might as well wait until the brownie does it’s thing. Is only one enough to do it? Well, maybe not, but I’m not going to go back for another. I just sit and... wait I guess... maybe it’s not gonna happen.

Oh my god, these brownies are fantastic. Idunno how many hours it’s been, but this is just... great. I feel so relaxed, and it’s like all those little aches and pains are just... gone. Like, they fluttered away on butterfly wings, so pretty in flight. I’ve always wanted to know how butterflies fly. For an hour, at least. I mean... they just go up and down, so how does that even work? Maybe it’s really magic, and has been all along. That’d be so... weird.

Man, I’m hungry still. I could go for some pizza. Or ice cream. Or anything really. Twilight has ice cream... I’m gonna go get some...

Woah... this doorknob is so weird. I mean... I can open one with my hand, but ponies can too, and they don’t have fingers! Wait, what if they have thumbs too but they’re, like... invisible! Oh man, everything makes so much more sense now!

He who is without sin, the last to be stoned... or something

So, like, I realized there’s no doorknob on Twilight’s tree-house. Hey, wait, she’s living in a treehouse... man, I wish I could live in a treehouse.

I walk inside and I see that super weird statue thingy on the table. Dude, that’s just cool. I mean, it looks like a carving of a horse head, but not like a pony horse. What if there’s like some super ancient race of these guys and they used to be horses but they just... stopped being horses? I go up and touch it but after a while, I notice something big and purple. “Anthony! Are you alright? You haven’t heard a word I’ve said. Are you sick again?”

“Woah... talking horse... Wait, nevermind... heya Twi, got any uh... uh... what was I here for?” I sniff once, and catch the delicious smell of food. Holy shit, there’s apples on the table. Must be magic.

“Anthony... are you sure you’re alright? What happened?”

I think for a moment... “Rarity... and then... something about a pelican? Idunno.”

“Okay, you are acting way too weird, I’m going to see what this is all about. You stay here and I’ll be back. Don’t touch anything!”

I boop her on the nose. “Toooooouch.” Oh my god, that thing I just did was hilarious!

I can’t stop giggling, and then I see Spike. He’s kinda like a dinosaur, but he’s got longer arms. So he’s not a tyrannosaur. Hey, I remembered the name! that’s awesome!

He’s like a dinosaur. A small, purple dinosaur. “Oh my god, somebody shrunk Barney! What’d they do to you, dude?”

“Wait, who? What?”

“Wait, I know how to fix this... a song! I love you, you love me, we’re one big happy.. happy... uh... hey man, you got any nachos?”

“No... but I could make some?” Man, when he scrunches up his face in confusion, he’s super-adorable.

“No I’m not!” Woah... he can read minds.

“Actually, you’re talking out loud, perfectly normally.” Spike looks so confused. It’s so funny.

“Dude! What am I thinking of right now!?” Oh man, if he guesses ‘pie’...

“I’m going to go make those nachos... you’re kinda scaring me.” The little Barney shuffles sideways into the kitchen.

...

...

Are books edible? I gotta try. I mean, you can cook ‘em, right? I grab something off the shelf and bite into it’s binding... super chewy, needs tenderizing.

“ANTHONY!!”

Aww, now I have a headache. It’s, like, throbbing, but I can hear it. I turn to the noise. “Wow... two talking horses...”

“Rarity, fix him!”

“Now, now, darling, there’s no need to be, wassaword, hasty. Hey, do you have any nachos?”

I can see chocolate on Twilight’s muzzle. I wonder if I could just lick it off. It looks tasty, even with all that fur all over it.

“What the heck are you doing!?”

“I like chocolate...” Huh, so I can lick it off her face. Hey, I can see the ceiling! There’s lights up there! I think it’s sunlight. And it’s pretty!

“You know what would be weird? If the sun was blue! I mean, how would you tell if it was out or not, cuz the sky is blue. Or how would you tell night from day? Maybe it’s day that’s dark, and we just don’t realize it?”

“That- that makes no sense!”

“No, no, darling, I think he’s on to something. I think it’s the couch.”

“What?” Twilight looks so bamboozled. Heh, ‘bamboozled. I like that word.

“It’s like bamboo, but... with a Canadian ‘Z’ or somthin’”

“I- I’m going to go sit down.” Twilight says, holding her head with a hoof.

“You know, you ponies walk funny. I mean, Why do you have four legs? Do you not need hands or something? Dude, my hand is amazing!” I splay out my fingers, and start moving it closer and further from my face. It’s like it’s moving, but it’s not moving from the middle of my vision. Moving without moving. So cool...

“Wow... my head feels funny.”

I look over at Twilight, how her nose is, like, an inch away from her face. How does that work? “Your head looks funny...” I am the funniest person alive! I can’t stop laughing.

Eventually Twilight stops being a buzzkill. As she starts loosening up, I make a startling discovery, one of titanic proportions: I have cheese on my fingers, and there’s an empty plate covered in cheese, but no nachos. Who stole all the nachos?!

“Wait, guys! This... this is important!” Twilight says, waving her arms around. “What if we can’t actually read, and we just imagine what the words in books say? Like, our brain tells us what we want to read and that’s what we see? All the letters are just... scribbles.”

“Woah... That’s deep.” I say, but I hear a gasp from little Barney. Wait, why am I calling Spike Barney? That’s so weird. Man... I wonder what’s up? Like, above the things? The sky? Woah, what if this magic world just stops, and it’s all in a soap bubble? Man... that’d be terrible. The universe could pop!

I make a popping noise with my mouth. Twilight and Rarity giggle. So I make the noise again. They giggle again. With a smile, I proceed to bring them to roaring laughter by making all kinds of mouth sounds! This is so awesome.

“What the heck is going on with you guys? You’re all acting like total idiots! What’s gotten into you all?” Spike yells from the kitchen door.

Twilight opens her mouth a few times, and she finally says something I can totally agree with. “Spiiiike... you need to chill, everything’s cool...”

Rarity says ‘Totally’ at the same time I do, Oh my god, it’s like we have a psychic link! Dude, I’m psychic!

“Hey, now all I need is a lightsaber! I’m a Jedi!” I think for a bit. “Woah, what if Star Wars is real, and it’s just history! They’re not writing it, they’re uncovering it in some mystic ruin nobody’s found yet!?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Twilight says. “However, I think it’s totally right. And maybe left.”

Spike just stares at Twilight, like she grew another head. What if she did, and only he can see it! He can already read minds... woah, I just realized something! Spike is magic! That means...

“Dude, Spike... what if you’re actually Twi’s kid. Like, biologically. She hatched you ‘cuz she’s literally your mom?”

Spike stutters for a moment. “That’s insane! It doesn’t even make sense!”

“Nah, man. She’s purple, you’re purple... genetics! Totally works!”

“Woah, what if I am?” Twilight says, sounding shocked. Man, I should congratulate her.

Rarity looks over at Twilight “Wow, Twi. You got boned by a dragon! ...that musta hurt... What was it like?”

“Idunno... I got Spike when I was ten... woah...” I feel my good mood drain away. Man, that must’ve sucked.

Spike screams and my head hurts. “That’s it, I’m going to go get help, you guys are completely nuts!”

“Really? Are we edible?” Rarity ponders. Spike just yells again and rushes out the door.

After a while, I hear Spike, sounding worried. “-and then Twilight started acting all weird!”

Then a really nice voice starts talking. Like, really nice. “I see. And what are they doing, exactly?”

“Just look at them!”

In walks a big white horse, like, really big. And her hair is super awesome... Like a lava lamp, but hair! I gotta touch it...

“Ah, Anthony, what are you doing with my mane?” It’s so fluffy. And soft. Like... like something super-soft and fluffy.

“And your wings... man, your wings are super pretty...” I reach out to grab them and see if they’re as soft as the lava-hair-lamp. Unfortunately, the giant little horse moves to the side out of reach, and it’s way too far to go over there. Then, she looks into my eyes. she’s got super-pretty eyes, but they should totally have a different color for her fur. Like blue. Or pink. Or not-white, whatever that is.

“Dude... what if you had pink fur? Would you be even softer? Pink things are soft... Like Pinkie... I could hug her alllllllll day... where’s Pinkie?”

Celestia goes over to Twilight for a minute, then she starts laughing. Something must be funny. I like funny things. Everyone else is laughing now. Except Spike. He needs to relax.

“Princess, what’s wrong with them?”

“Oh, nothing that important, there’s an easy fix. When did you notice Twilight acting like this?”

“Well, Anthony was acting weird-”

“Says you” I respond to the obvious threat. “You need to chill out. Insulting people isn’t nice, you just need to open your mind... what if your brains fell out?”

A chorus of ‘woahs’ from Rarity and purple thing echo out and Celestia laughs again, urging Spike to continue. “Twilight was going to find out the problem. She went over to Rarity’s, came back totally fine, but after a bit she started acting like Anthony and Rarity! You gotta help them, princess!”

Celestia grins. “There is nothing to worry about. Now, let’s go see the source of this.”

Maybe ten minutes later, Celestia is on the couch next to me. “Hey, Anthony... why are you bald? I mean, sure you don’t have fur, but doesn’t it, like, grow in if you don’t cut it off?”

That gets me thinking. “Woah... maybe I am bald... maybe every human is bald and we just don’t realize it! Everything else has fur... we’re, like, some sort of weird, non-hairy monkey thing... but we don’t have tails... What if we had tails?”

Twilight stands up and, looking behind her flips out. “Oh my gosh, I do have a tail!”

“Wooooooah...”

The sound of Spike face-palming resounds in the aftermath of the revelation.

Celestia looks around the room. “Hey, does anybody know how to make a cake? I could go for some cake...”

“Cake would be awesome...”

Rarity and I agree. Twilight turns to Spike, who has by now been educated in what is going on. “Hey, Spike... make a cake...”

Spike shakes his head. “No, I’m not going to feed this bad habit!”

Twilight just kinda sits there for a minute. “Nah, ya don’t halfta... just feed me...”

Spike groans and I find the sound funny. Heh, silly noises.

Chapter 133

Thinking back on the last few hours, I can’t form any thought other than a somewhat wary, mildly embarrassed ‘Well, that happened’ response. It doesn’t help that I finally came to my senses with Celestia’s head in my lap, and Twilight asleep on Celestia’s back. Rarity must’ve wandered off at some point, as she wasn’t in the library anymore.

“So uh... we agree to never ever talk about this happening, ever again... Deal?”

Twilight squeaks, and moves to get off the sleeping princess in my lap. A huge white wing shifts to put her back though, so she just stays in place, looking too afraid to move. It looks like she’s trying to curl into a fetal position on Celestia’s back, trying not to touch anything.

“Are you guys finally done being stupid yet?” Spike walks in, looking rather annoyed. “Seriously, that was not cool.”

I wince, as the memories come back, but one was kinda funny. “Oh man, did Twilight actually think you were her kid?”

Spike huffs. “I don’t even know where she got that diaper from...”

Twilight looks horribly ashamed. “I’m soooo sorry Spike. I don’t know what I was thinking! Can you forgive me?” She pouts, but all of her words are in a loudish whisper.

Spike rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I guess nothing that bad happened. But seriously, why would you do something like that?”

I decide to answer. “Because neither of us knew what was in those brownies until after we’d eaten them. That’s why.”

Twilight looks up. “The brownies? I thought that cannabis is an herb meant to be burned like incense.”

Celestia, eyes still vaguely red, chuckles a bit. “Twilight, you still have a lot to learn... Oh I haven’t done that in ages... now I kind of forget why I stopped...” she sighs.

Twilight, somehow, looks a thousand times more guilty, ashamed, and upset by the thought of Celestia being high than Celestia herself does. I think Twilight might need a ‘don’t idolize’ song more than Scootaloo at this point.

“Just remember.” Celestia continues. “It’s completely harmless, as long as it’s not overused, and it’s not used before anything important is supposed to happen.  I admit I was a bit rash in my decision to... join in, but nothing of consequence will come of it. It’s like candy. It’s nice to have every once in a while, but sometimes, there’s too much of a good thing. What you did is perfectly normal. In fact, most ponies try it before they are your age... though that doesn’t help when they have studying to do.”

Twilight nods. “So... I’m not in trouble?” The sterling hope in her voice at the end of the question makes her look like a puppy picture on the internet being cute.

I chuckle. “Of course not. Now, if you did it before you were supposed to, Idunno, take a test or something, you’d probably fail the second you picked up a pencil. God knows what you’d write.”

“Well, yes, he’s right.” Celestia agrees. “Though if you continue to use it when it is inappropriate to do so, then you will be in big trouble.”

Twilight nods quickly, then swears to never touch the stuff ever again. I roll my eyes. “It’s not that bad.”

“I don’t care! I do not want to end up like that again! I never even wanted to do it in the first place!”

“Fine, fine... still not that bad though. Hey Celestia, what’s going on with you? Y’know, since you’re here and all.”

her eyes narrow at me, and her brow furrows a little. “Have you not- mmph, you’ll get there in time. Honestly? Hearing my faithful student had been afflicted by some terrible hex was a delightful distraction from the Argentum family trying to convince me to let the lands surrounding Ponyville be passed onto them. They’ve been trying for nearly three centuries now, so I at least have to give them points for being persistent.” She shakes her head irritably. “They already own a large number of farms elsewhere in Equestria, and I granted this land to the Apple family originally as a gift. I won’t take it away for some noble’s new vacation spot.”

That was a bit of a shock. I hadn’t realized the Apples owned... “Wait, the entire land, or just Sweet Apple Acres?””

“Technically, more than four-fifths of this vale is owned by Mrs. Smith, if I remember the existing inheritance paths correctly.” Celestia answers blithely, standing up and blinking slowly. Her eyes are still a little red, so I figure this is the best chance I’ll get at asking a few questions without her thinking too hard on the answers.

“So... Does this mean that, once Granny Smith kicks the bucket, Applejack’s gonna own this entire town and, by extension, every household on said land?”

“Technically, yes, as she’d be a titled noble then. For now, she’s just a lady-in-waiting, of a sort.” Celestia’s eyes track slowly to follow a dust mote.

“Does this mean that, when the time comes, AJ would have the chance to become mayor and run this town? Like, as an elected official, in charge of practically any new developments?”

Celestia titters. There’s really no other word for the form of laughter she gave at this question. “Oh, goodness no.” I feel a little off-put. AJ would make an exc- “She’d be a baroness, and the mayor would be working for her. As it stands, Mrs. Smith simply lets the mayoral office run itself since she can’t make it to the city hall to make orders anymore.” Twilight leaves to go find something to drink, leaving me alone with Celestia.

Oh man... I have a feeling Rarity hasn’t heard this little detail. Wonder what kind of information I could trade for this. “So, just to clarify... I know that Twilight isn’t Spike’s biological mother, but since she hatched him and, I assume raised him, does that mean she’s his adopted mother or something?”

“On papers, Spike is legally listed as my adopted son, actually, but he’s always treated Twilight like his mother. I helped raise him when Twilight was too young to do it herself, but the moment she felt she knew enough, she spent as much time as possible with him...” Her expression has softened entirely, though I think it’s the memories more than any form of weed in her system. “Watching her raise Spike as a hatchling meant so much to me, even when she’d occasionally slip and call me ‘mom’, and when Spike would sometimes call me ‘granma’.” Her smile seems genuinely warm and inviting. “I miss those days.”

“Well I think that’s pretty easy to fix. Just find someone willing and wait a few months.” I say, grinning. “What? It’s true. If she really wanted a kid, she could always just have one. Not like she’s running out of lifetime or anything.”

Celestia gives me an odd look, one I can’t decipher, and looks like she’s wanting to say something. A quick flare of her horn later, and all the red is gone from her eyes, and all the softness of her posture is gone. “I suppose I’ll have to speak with you another time, Anthony. I must get back to my duties in Canterlot, before another riot starts. One of the hired help could get injured.” And with a flash, she’s gone.

Waitasec... “So, when I suggested she find someone to get her pregnant, and then she asks me to come see her later...” I look at Twilight, both of us horrified at the idea. “Let’s agree to never speak of this ever again as well, okay?”

Twilight nods hastily and immediately goes off to do something to keep her busy.

This has been quite the day... And I have a feeling it’s only half over...

I get up and, recalling Anne’s comment earlier, decide that I should wash my clothes. And maybe get Rarity to make me some more casual options. Oh yeah, I went to see her about my costume... eh, I should wash what I have for now.

When I take off my pants, I notice something poking out of the back. I pull it out and find a crumpled letter. It’s the one Celly’s messenger handed me after I gave her an earful about being ungrateful.

I set it aside and, once I’m done scrubbing all the crud out of my shirt and pants, pick up the letter and break her seal. I understand the whole ‘Cutie Mark as insignia for recognition’ thing, but if I had a tattoo on my rear end, I wouldn’t stick it on everything related to myself... Especially not seal letters with it. Oh well.

I tear open the envelope and take a look at what she wanted to say but didn’t have the guts to say to my face.

        To Anthony

I fear we may have more troubles between us than mere words can express. While I do not find you, as a person, to be too dangerous, violent, or indeed too obnoxious, annoying, or repellent to my sensibilities, I must say that you seem to find far too much enjoyment, or perhaps solace, in destabilizing whatever you come across.

I sincerely wish I had some method of impressing upon you how important it is that you follow the rules I have set out centuries prior. It took far more trial and effort than will show in any history text in the world, but I have a very firm grasp of what does and does not work. With your constant upsets of the progress I have painstakingly worked towards, it has become nigh-unbearable to try cooperating with you, and I fear this will lead to consequences neither of us can divine.

You have done much to aid this land since you arrived, two years and five months ago. At the same time, you have relentlessly sought to impose your worldview upon all others, the exact thing you accuse us of doing to you.

I wish I could approach you as an equal, or perhaps even as a friend. But with your behavior, and the reckless toppling of carefully-stacked plans, I fear that you may one day have to face me for a crime you committed without realizing it, and pay the direst of prices for simple ignorance or impetuousness.

Whatever you choose to do with your future, I wish you well in life, as I do every good thing in this world. If you ever feel the need to speak with me, I hope you would feel comfortable seeking me out to do so, without a confrontation.

        With best wishes,

                Celestia

Huh. Guess she really does want to fix this... But it’s going take more than just a chat with her to have this all sorted out. I don’t like the way she insinuated I’m such a danger though. Does she not get it that I only go to extremes when I’m challenged or it is necessary?

Yes I’ve caused a bit of a ruckus here in Ponyville and in Canterlot, but I doubt something like ‘disturbing the peace’ or being abnormal is going to do any progress-upsetting.

I admit that the issue in Chickago is pretty darn big, but that’s not in Equestria, so it’s outside of her jurisdiction and doesn’t come into account here. Aside from being a general nuisance to the public, I’ve done nothing wrong! Okay, I broke a guy’s leg, but I did my time for that.

I don’t know where she gets the idea that I’m trashing her rulebooks. I’m no model citizen, but I’m not some twisted anarchist that just wants to destroy things without reason. Besides, I’ve saved people with my powers, too! Calling me a danger, when I haven’t once gone out and started wrecking stuff for my self-pleasure... or at all for that matter. She’s just accusing me of being a danger, based solely on the fact that I have super-powers, and have been known to cause mischief. Does she not recall what happened when Luna did that? She’s right, I am a potential danger, but I can’t name one thing that would constitute telling me I’m being some sort of lawless renegade that needs to do as I’m told because someone higher up doesn’t like me.

Maybe I need another chat with her, I guess yelling my opinion at her doesn’t help any... this will have to be done with a bit more care. But knowing Celestia, it might be difficult anyway.

Chapter 134

Grumbling at an unusually early wake-up, I pace around my room. I don’t know why, but I’ve got too much energy this morning, and the sun hasn’t come up yet.

The sun. I have to go speak with Celestia, get some of this stupidity she’s built up cleared away. I figure I might as well go today. I don’t really have anything else to do. I actually pause at that for a moment. I don’t have anything to do today. I’m idling when there isn’t something specific to do. Myrna works quarrying and construction, and seems to enjoy it. Anne loves helping Fluttershy. Maybe I need to find a job, just to fill the days.

I think it over for a sec. But then there are days when I’d rather not have any obligations, and a daily job would just be a pain. Maybe something part-time, or just being a temp worker? Do they even have that kind of thing here? Oh well, I guess I can go see Rarity about my costume.

I head outside and make my way to the boutique, but then stopping. Eh, I still have a while before Nightmare Night, and I do want to see Celestia about this. I head back to my room and grab my ‘essentials’ before leaving. Once I’m at the train station, I recheck my gear. Clothes? Obviously, and actually clean now. Coal? I pat the pouch at my right and estimate about half a pound in there. Check. Sword? As usual, check.

Guess I’m ready. I hop on the train and after about ten minutes, I’m off to Canterlot.

One mildly amusing train ride later -there were a couple of foals I got to play an overly-serious game of BattleClouds with- I arrive in Canterlot, and begin moving towards the castle. I suppose it says something about how well I’m known that barely anypony even bothers to sniff distastefully at me or spit in my general direction before trying to look innocent anymore.

I head towards the castle grounds and, as usual, the guards just let me in. I don’t even really have to say anything, I’m just let in. It’s good to be a hero. But not so good to be called a sociopath as Celestia is deluded into thinking.

Making my way through the corridors, I’m directed away from the throne room, and sent to a smaller office a few corridors away. Celestia is in there, working, with a set of simple, armless glasses balanced on her muzzle. A huge stack of papers sits next to her, and she idly keeps a quill scribbling onto the one in front of her and moving papers along. Apparently, the big stack is the inbox, not the out.

“More people trying to get you to give them more than their fair share?”

“No, this is the result of a riot started a few weeks ago. There is much paperwork to be done, and I foolishly left many loopholes I haven’t yet sealed in how it gets processed. It will be done, and on time, and the loopholes relating to this will not be available to add further to my pile.” she sets aside the quill and floats her glasses to the side. With a start, I realize that she’s not wearing her usual regalia.

I shrug. “I could help with that. The loopholes I mean. I’m no stranger to looking for back doors left open in the rulebooks. I could possibly look through them and point out a few things, make sure your laws stay watertight so to speak.” Suddenly, the ‘renegade’ style of life has a use to her. Your move, princess...

“No, but thank you for the offer. If I don’t experience the results of the loophole, I can’t be sure it’s one I need to close or not. Several of the laws are built the way they are in case I must make use of a loophole.” She smiles gently at me. “And by the way, nopony would believe I told you that, if you decide to try. Many of those loopholes are benefitting you.”

“Oh I wouldn’t expect to get any kind of result from mentioning that to the public. They treat you like you’re perfect, so the idea that you do something so underhanded and sneaky behind their backs is just disgraceful.” I roll my eyes for more emphasis on the last word. “And yet I know you are flawed. Such as your misjudgement of others.”

“Oh, I think I have fairly accurate judgements of your character. However, I would like to be level with you. I assume you’ve read my letter by now, yes?”

“Yes I have, and I must say, you are quite the exaggerator of events. Making metaphorical mountains out of equally metaphorical molehills.”

“Hmm, yes... I suppose you need to be clued into something. You haven’t been reading newspapers, have you?”

“Not recently, though I did say I would to prevent any more rumors about me from spreading. Newspapers have a tendency to make things seem more fantastic than what is the truth. It’s to sell more papers, but you know this, I’m sure.”

“Indeed. I made sure that there were less of the more inflammatory articles allowed to be printed after you stated your displeasure.” Wait, what? “However, I think this means you haven’t taken notice of some of the things that have... cropped up. The riot that started happened when a mysterious figure appeared in the middle of a small city a few miles north of Canterlot. The figure was bipedal, tall, and wreathed in flames. Immediately, the being began shouting orders, orders which the listeners had no choice but to obey.”

“And if it was me who did this.-”

“I have no doubt that you weren’t involved. I was able to recover the body once I had finished ending the threat. A silencing spell put an end to the risk that human posed to the entire city. Its commands did not cease when it died, though, and the remaining population afflicted by the order to ‘kill everything’ had to be put down.” I gulp. She continues.

“Right now, in Ponyville, there is a young human female with power to become undetectable. Miss Fluttershy has, reluctantly, provided evidence that Anne cannot be smelt, heard, seen, or felt while this ability is active, and has some degree of control over it. As well, any wounds inflicted by her talons are noticeably more dangerous than anything else we’ve encountered, and require a Cure-All potion to fix, which are notoriously difficult to acquire. She is the least dangerous human to have arrived in Equestria so far.”

I give Celestia a rather cold look. “Are you insinuating that my friends are accomplices to this creature, or are in some way just as dangerous as it was, and therefore also need to be put down?”

“No. I am saying that there are beings in Equestria capable of taking over the minds of others. The reason I keep tabs on you is because the last star-borne being capable of surviving in this world created a cult and tried to bring forth monsters. It succeeded, and is the reason we have the constellation monsters roaming our lands. And if any force or entity gains the power to control you completely...”

“You assume I would do such a thing? Bring total destruction to this world? I may not know who this star-borne is, but for one, I am not star-borne. I am a human who mysteriously acquired a star core. There is a difference.”

“No, there is not. The Star-borne are anything filled with the power of the stars. the constellation beasts are star-borne, Starswirl was star-borne, and you are star-borne, regardless of your opinions on the matter.”

“Nevertheless, you say I would try and restart this cult? Tell me, what could I gain from doing such a thing? Something that, in all truth, would benefit me.”

“I have no doubt you would avoid doing anything of the sort... willingly. As I said, there are beings capable of supplanting your mind. More than one unwary adventurer has lost them and become grossly distorted in the process. Not just in body, but in mind, enslaved to forces too horrible to contemplate.”

“And yet you let these mind-controlling beings run freely amongst your people. Being your people.”

“No, they do not-”

“Unicorns. Mind magic. Yes you disallow it, but there are some people that don’t care about the rules and would do it anyway. I’m sure unicorns are not the only magic-users capable of mind magic, but that does not make any of them harmless. Your ponies are the greatest danger in Equestria.”

“And any that do are dealt with. We thrive in harmony, and breaking that harmony leaves very noticeable holes. I don’t understand how you can just assume that ponies would practice such things.”

“Then explain Rook. Unless she was deranged since birth, I assume she was also just another typical pony, until something happened and she snapped.”

Celestia opens her mouth to retort, when a loud BOOM-*sizzle* echoed from somewhere outside the castle. Within the minute, a guard had a report for Celestia, telling her there’d been an explosion in the palace gardens, and a figure was moving in the fire. Celestia immediately begins moving, picking me up in her telekinetic aura as she goes.

We fly through the corridors at an incredible speed, the wind whooshing past loudly from our passage. We reach a balcony overlooking the palace gardens, and see that there’s several guards confronting a humanoid figure. At first, they look totally normal, until a cloud of gas or something erupts from the person’s right arm, scaring back some of the guard crowding menacingly around.

“Anthony, I wish for you to deal with this.” Celestia says, slowly levitating me off the balcony. “If this human has any powers comparable to the last, or the one before that... please, this is one of your own. Deal with it as you see appropriate.” She sets me down on the ground under the balcony.

I crack my knuckles and summon fire to my hands. “If it hurts anyone, the fucker is dead...” With that, I walk towards the crater.

I see a few guards charge the figure, spears bristling. When they get close, the smoke suddenly turns to a soft, brown-and-green, all earthtones. Suddenly, a sound like a board being snapped in half sounds through the clearing, as the guard’s spear shatters on impact with a thick, gnarled wooden shield that appears on the human’s left arm.

I approach the figure. “Alright Woodman. Prepare to feel the heat!” I ignite the rest of my body and charge towards the guy. “Any last words before I smash your face in?”

A scream rips from the person’s throat. At first I think it’s because he’s attacking, but then I see it’s because the figure’s been smacked by a spear-butt in the back of the head. Suddenly, a forest of thorny vines spring from the person’s right arm, making it look like it’s covered in a wooden gauntlet. The vines whip and lash violently at everyone nearby, driving them away. whoever the person is, they have a thick beard, matted with grime, and long, straggly hair almost glued to the top of his head.

I approach him, being taller than me by quite a bit, but not to inhuman standards. I feel an odd sense of... connection to him, but I shake it off. After a few moments, he falls prey to several more spear-butts, and passes out, just falling back. I walk over to him, figuring I might as well make it quick. Then another odd feeling washes over me, a feeling like... familiarity. I... do I know this person? I don’t... oh my god. I turn to Celestia. “Get him some medical assistance and a place to recuperate. Now!” The only response I get is a stunned nod.

Friendship from Hell

“Alright Anthony, I’ve gotten him settled in. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of him for you.” the nurse at Ponyville General Hospital was being gentle. It’d taken some seriously intense requests -not begging, mind you- to get this pulled through.

As I exit to the waiting room, I see that Twilight is waiting for me. Almost immediately, she comes over to speak to me. “Anthony! I was, uhm, asked to talk to you about the new... person. If you could, please? I’m sending this to Celestia.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Uhm, well, some of these questions are straight from the Princesses, of course. Uhm, I guess first off, why didn’t you fight at all?”

“Because I didn’t want to.”

“Princess Celestia said that the human was attacking everyone nearby. Did you think you couldn’t stop it?”

“I’m sure that his reason for attacking the guards was a good one. Also, he seemed to be the one being attacked.”

“So, wait... You are saying he’s innocent? But Celestia said she saw him fighting the guards...”

“She saw him fight back.”

“But, you know as well as I do that under most circumstances, the last violent human to come through nearly killed everyone.”

“I’m not going to fight him. Ever.”

“Uhm... can I ask why?”

“Because I know him. From before I came here. He’s from Earth. And my friend.”

“But, why wouldn’t he attack someone? It’s clear that he’s at least partially corrupted, and-”

“Twilight, if Celestia told you that Rainbow Dash was evil and that you had to kill her, would you do it?”

“What?! No! Why would you a-”

“Because Celestia, and now you, are questioning why I wouldn’t bring harm to my best friend.”

“O- oh... Then... who is he?” Twilight asks, tentatively. I have a feeling this wasn’t even close to being on Celestia’s approved list of questions... And that I have no idea what to tell her. Would he want a cover name, too? Or his real name?

“For now, until he decides to tell you his real name, we’ll call him... Clark.”

“Not tell- why wouldn’t he want us to know his name? If he’s your friend, then maybe he... he could be our friend too?” Twilight’s got one ear up and one down.

I guess it would be a bit hard for her to understand that even I didn’t give my real name to anyone. Honesty is such a huge deal to them.

“Because sometimes, not everyone wants to be known to everyone, and sometimes, having some secrets that they are sure are safe, helps them feel like they have control, even if they are powerless...”

“Oh... but... why would anypo- anyone feel like that? Couldn’t they rely on their friends?”

“Because friendship doesn’t fix everything in the world. Sometimes, in a corrupt world, having friends doesn’t help at all. Some villains only understand power, and therefore the only way to make them submit is by using power. Beyond that, sometimes, the only way to stop Evil is not with Good. You must confront it with another kind of Evil. And that's why I win. Not because I have friends who believe in me or whatever, but because I know that violence can be the answer. And in a world like that, everyone needs some kind of control.”

Twilight’s ears have folded back against her head, and she’s slowly backing away from me. All the thing’s I’ve done, and this speech is what makes her afraid? Jeez.

“I’m not going to give out his name unless he wants me to, because at this point, he has his choice of what secrets he wants to keep, and until he chooses which secret to keep, I’m not making him give something up without him knowing. Because he’s my friend, and friends don’t tell other people friends’ secrets. That’s betrayal.”

“And the best way to lose a friend forev~er!”

I jump and yelp as Pinkie pushes her way out from behind a poster on the wall. There wasn’t even a bulge, how the f- how did sh- no, don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don't’ think about it...

“Hi Pinkie.” I sigh. “Here to meet the new guy too?”

“There’s a new guy!? I knew that’s what my Pinkie Sense was telling me! Where is he? What’s his name? Why’re you in a hospital? Are you sick?”

“I’m in the hospital because I’m waiting for said new guy to be considered ‘okay’ as he probably isn’t feeling too well. He’s unconscious for one thing. He’s in the ER.”

Pinkie’s demeanor goes from flouncy to flat almost instantly. Just like that, she’s perfectly serious, her eyes getting bigger with worry, the whites of her eyes barely visible behind her huge irises, being slightly obscured by her puffy mane of hair. “Is there something I can do to help?”

“Well, I’m not sure. For one, he’ll have to be told where he is and what’s going on. Unless you want the first thing he sees to be a talking pony, in which case it’s likely for his reaction to be similar to mine when I arrived.”

“Got it, no surprise party yet. I’ll have it prepped and standing by when you think it’s needed.” She gives me a goofy-looking salute, and seems to perk up. “Oooh, I get to meet someone new! And not just new, but new-new! I hope he gets better soon!” Pinkie begins trotting out of the hospital with more restraint than normal.

“You and me both. I mean, I figured he was dead.” Twilight winces, but it seems Pinkie’s good cheer can’t be stopped, and she resumes bouncing along once she’s outside.

“So... uhm... anything else you want to share about him?” Twilight asks timidly.

“No idea about the corrupted arm thing, but I assure you he is not evil at all. I’m sure there’s an explanation for his semi-demonic limb, but I doubt he got it for evil purposes, if it was even intentional at all. He’s not like the demon who went around Ponyville smashing ponies to bits for laughs.” Twilight winces, likely from a bad memory. “But, he is likely to fight to protect himself if, say, a bunch of guards rush him with spears.”

“I- I suppose... what are you going to do, then, in the meantime?”

“Wait for him to recover. This guy is proof that I may actually have a slim chance of seeing my parents again, and I’m going to hold onto that. Not much else on my mind, really. From what Anne said, everyone was dead, a demon, or a refugee in the muck. Now... there’s proof that she might be wrong.”

Twilight nods, and shifts on her hooves. “I, uhm, guess I don’t have anything else to ask. Will you be alright on your own if I leave, then?”

“Sure, I guess. I figured you’d stay though. He will have to meet a pony, and I figure the first one he meets might as well be you. There are worse examples out there, and I’d rather he meet the smart one first. But I guess if you want to leave, I can just bring him by the library.”

“... Do you want me to stay? As a friend?”

“Eh, it would be preferable, but if you have something you should be doing right now, you probably should worry about that more.”

“No, I can hang out with you. It sounds like you need a friend.”

I pick her up and place her on my lap where I begin petting her, much to her supposed discomfort, but when she stops complaining she clearly enjoys it. What’s her deal with being petted anyway?

I just continue idly stroking her as I think about my friend. Man, it’s literally been years. And what is up with his arm? I shake my head. It doesn’t matter. He’s here, and that means the world to me, no matter what may have happened.

Three days. He’s completely out for three days, and the nurses and doctors say that, unless they’re completely wrong due to humanity’s alien biology, that he’s also dealt with some fairly extreme malnutrition, and several shattered, but fixed, bones. Something about the corrupted arm is also interfering with their healing magic. Other forms of magic seem to work fine, but not healing magic.

One afternoon, I’m sitting in his room in the constant-care ward, or whatever it’s called, and I chance a look at his corrupted arm. I startle a bit when I see a large, yellowey eye staring at me from the back of the hand, a four-pointed star-shape for a pupil. A quartet of lids close on the strangely symmetrical eye, but it’s definitely looking at me. The lids open again.

I stare at it. Can he see with it? Can he see me with it? Or does it have a mind of his own? Why does he have a corrupted arm? I’m worried about him. It’s been so long, I don’t want to be told that he’s incurable and I have to be the one to put him down... I couldn’t. Come on man, pull through this. You can hit your head on a cement block and bounce back, you can make it...

Over the next two days, I come in regularly, and always find the eye on the hand staring at me, tracking my movements. It only closes to blink or when the nurse comes in to check on Clark.

Maybe it does have a mind of it’s own... I mean, I guess if I had proof of it opening, people would believe me. Freaky shit happens when you turn. Even partially. Still, I have hope that he’s alright. He just needs to sleep. He’s always been a long sleeper. He did use his powers the second he arrived, too. He might not be used to it. All I know is, he’s not gonna die. Even if the grim reaper himself walks into the room, I’m gonna beat the shit out of him and tear his nipples off.

Near the end of the sixth day, I was having a staring contest with the eye. I’m sure I would’ve won, too, if Clark hadn’t groaned and startled me. When I looked over, he was wiping sleep from his eye. For a moment, I had a glimpse of him waking up after a sleepover, sometime in the late afternoon, before he moved. I don’t think any powers were part of it, but he flipped out of the hospital cot and rolled under the bed. Almost immediately, I’m on my feet and in an instinctive combat stance.

“Dude, you okay?”

“Who- where am- who are you?” the voice sounds gravelly, which makes some degree of sense, given that he just slept for six days and didn’t get any... wait, he didn’t get an IV for any of the six days. Jeez, he must be cotton mouthed to an insane degree. Hell, he should be dead. These ponies... what the hell?

I find a sink and one of those paper cups and, filling it up, take it to him, sticking it on the floor next to the bed he’s hiding under. He must be freaking out, and I can’t blame him.

“What’s in that?”

“Deadly neurotoxin. Drinking it will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death.” I say in my best robot voice.

“Wh- what? Who... you sound... who are you?”

“Ten guesses, now get out from under that bed before I slap you with a drunken haddock.” I grin at the old threat we shared since Junior high... good times.

“Drunken... No, it can’t be. You... you died or something. Never heard from you again. Did... did I die? Did they test me to death?” I can barely make out the shape of his head, pointed in my direction, under the bed.

“Nah man. Welcome to Equestria. Where the sun always shines except when it rains, the birds always sing when they’re around, and the populace are a bunch of talking horses.”

“Great, they fed me more hallucinogens, and now I’m imagining my dead friend is talking about horses and sunshine.”

“Yep, now get out from under there. If you’re hallucinating, there can’t be anything you have to hide from.”

“Fuck that. Which ones are out there? The hook-covered one? Or the chick with things coming out of places not meant to do that?”

“The guy who talks about video games for days on end, and in a bit, you’re going to meet the chick who thinks lightning can’t hurt you.”

“... You know what, I might as well. At least this place looks nice.” Slowly, more like a giant insect than a person, Clark crawls out from under the bed, eyes darting rapidly around the room.

“Yeah. Come on, you gotta meet the girls. Well, maybe only one at a time. Come on, I’ll show you to the library. Fair warning though, this one doesn’t have Wi-Fi.”

“The f- when’s the last time anywhere had Wi-Fi?” Clark mutters, standing up with a notable hunch. It’s not a medical-grade hunch, but rather one linked to how he moves. Every step he takes is so close to silent I can’t help but hear my own footsteps over his. Every hallway we get to results in him looking furtively in every direction before fluidly moving to the next ‘safe’ spot.

“Dude, what’s with you? You act like you’re playing Metal Gear with motion controls.”

His head snaps to face me, and for a moment I feel like it’s not him looking at me. His eyes aren’t as glossy as I’ve come to expect, like a glass ball that’s been in a sandstorm. Still smooth, but no longer bright. I realize I’ve tensed up, and he slowly turns back towards the hall we’re going down. “I don’t get it.”

“Dude, you know Metal Gear. You know, Solid Snake? Stealth genre. The worst voice acting since Resident Evil?”

“... right, video games. Been a while.”

“Jeez man, what happened? Wait, is Anne right? Did Earth end up a total shithole wasteland?”

“No. If there’s nobody left, they lose.”

“Who? The demons?”

He looks at me with genuine fear in his eyes. “If you die, then the pain ends. They feed on pain. Do the math.”

“Yeah, sounds like demons alright. Anyway, you’re in a much better place now. Come on, let’s get to the library.”

We step out of the hospital into a typical Ponyville day. Sun shining bright and high in the sky, little critters running about, and tiny wisps of clouds against a bright blue sky.

Clark hisses and I sympathize. “Yeah, I know, takes a while to get used to everyday being like this. One thing’s for sure, they don’t have vampire problems around here.”

“Not that. Too open. Too bright.” He looks like he’s panicking, looking around for... something.

“Chill man, wherever you were before, you’re not there anymore. Nothing’s looking for us.”

“Don’t know that. Not for sure.” I need to think of something to break him out of this...

“Come on, I’m taking you to Twilight. Maybe she can help deprogram you.” I continue towards the library and Clark follows, but in his weird, shifty way. What happened to him?

We reach the giant tree and I’m about to warn him about low entryways, but it seems this is normal for him, as he reflexively ducks whenever he moves anyway.

The moment he’s in, he’s slinking to a bookshelf. For several minutes, he just... stares.

“I’m... I’m gonna get Twi. If you wanna read, I doubt she’d mind.” I take one last furtive glance at my now very twitchy friend. What made him like this? I shake my head. I’m gonna fix you buddy, your nightmare is over, you just need to wake up now.

Chapter 136

I went and got Twilight, and explained that Clark seems... off. Also, that she probably shouldn’t make any sudden movements or loud noises if she can avoid it. I remember hearing about PTSD people having issues with that.

“So, we just need to be careful and explain all this delicately. He thinks he’s been given some kind of hallucinogen so...” I just trail off as I lead Twilight to him. He’s sitting on the floor, arms wrapped around a book as he rocks in place. I think he’s crying, too.

“No. Sudden. Moves.” I whisper to Twilight as I walk closer. “Hey man, you feeling alright?”

I hear him mutter ‘it’s real’ over and over again.

“Come on man, what do you mean? This place, or something else?”

Suddenly, he looks up at me, and I can see light in his blue-green eyes again. A broad smile splits his face, looking perfectly natural. “The books. They’re real. I’m not dreaming. Not hallucinating. I can read them, and they aren’t just gibberish, or-or things I already read. They’re real books.”

I grab him in a tight hug. “Oh I missed you man. I missed you so fucking much!” I feel that I’m allowed to be a little sappy. I also feel him hug me back, at least as hard as I was hugging him. I can feel that he’s not as soft, or as flabby as before.

Slowly, he pulls away from me, and turns to Twilight. “Hello there. You must be one of the talking horses Ant-” I jerk a bit, a twitch of my head ‘no’. He stops, face falling a little. I can see suspicion creep into his face.

“Anthony, that’s right. And this is Twilight.” I offer the answers for him, and he barely stumbles with smiling again and greeting her. He bows a little, and she blushes.

“Yeah, don’t expect a ton of formality from this one. She’s too much of a bookworm to have a social life outside her friends.”

“You’re an avid reader?” Clark asks. His smile seems to warm up a bit, and Twilight begins to share his smile. “I’ll have to ask you for good books to read, then. I love reading, and it’s always good to find new material.”

Immediately, I can see that Twilight likes him. I mean, jeez, I must’ve forgotten him being good with the ladies or something, because she’s blushing like the time I teased her about her and Celestia.

“Well, there’s gonna be a ton of new material. Lots of books about magic here.”

He laughs, and smiles more. “Well, I can guess that much. Would you mind if I met your friends, miss Sparkle?” Twilight giggles and indicates she’ll show him around. Wow, how’s he so much ‘better’ already? I can see his arm, the corrupted one, clenched at his side.

“So... who should we meet first? I guess either Rainbow Dash or Pinkie since they’re closest. Oh, by the way, there’s gonna be a lot of new things around. Hey Twilight, show him something cool!”

“Oh, well let me get some materials together.” She begins summoning a veritable storm cloud of items to bring forth, and I see a flicker of something on Clark’s face before his smile returns. It looked, for a moment, like fear, but it was gone so fast. Maybe he’s not as ‘better’ as he looks.

“So yeah, magic. It’s a thing. Unfortunately only unicorns can do this kinda magic... though I guess it’s pretty impressive either way. Imagine, not having to get up from your seat to get a drink!” Twilight rolls her eyes. She starts setting up the debris into an orderly pattern.

“Magic is a lot more complex than simple convenience, Anthony! It takes lots of skill and practice to do anything noteworthy with it!” she huffs.

“Yeah, like opening a door without being in arms reach of it, or getting something from the top shelf without having to get a stepladder.”

“None of those things are noteworthy at all!”

“Says someone who’s been able to do it since, what, pre-school?”

“Oooh, I’ll have you-” Twilight’s angry rant is cut off by a gentle hand motion from Clark, who quickly cuts in between us.

“Come on, guys, let’s do something nice, alright? No fighting. Twilight, I think you said you have something to show me?” And just like that, Twilight’s not pissed, and my teasing has been flattened.

“Uhm, yes, actually. Here, let me show you a basic thaumaturgic array. This can actually be used by anything with magic in them...”

I tuned the rest out, but Clark seems to be enjoying it. He always has enjoyed getting answers about everything.

I sit back and watch as Twilight demonstrates her little magic show, admittedly learning a thing or two myself. “Oh and don’t forget to tell him all about how sound is completely harmless.”

Twilight shoots me an angry glare, but calms again when she gets a left-handed pat on the head from Clark. He gives her some scratches behind her ears, and she practically melts, sitting up against him and continuing to talk in a more relaxed tone.

Huh, when I do that, she just curls up and falls asleep. Weird. Guess it’s just me. Anyway, after a while, Twilight is finished, and I remind us of our goal to go see the other Element Bearers. I figure we should start with Pinkie Pie, as I did promise that she’d get to see him as soon as she could.

We head over to Sugarcube Corner and, after a little introduction with Mrs. Cake, we head upstairs to see Pinkie, who is more than overjoyed to say the least.

“Wow! You have a super-arm? Does it shoot laser beams? What about water?” She gasps gleefully. “Does it shoot icing?” I see Clark’s facade of well-being crack for a moment at all the questions, likely because of their rapid-fire nature. However, he settles back fine and laughs.

“No, no laser arm. But I can crush stone with it, and set things on fire.”

“Really? That’s so cool! Or, rather, so hot! Ooh, and Anthony can set things on fire with his hands, too!” Pinkie smiles broadly, and I see a glance from Clark. He doesn’t seem... pleased to hear that.

“Wait, you had that arm before you came here?” I ask. I haven’t seen him test with it at all, so he’d have to have had prior experience with it.

“Well... yeah. But no lasers, or anything like that. Anyways, are you the sort of person who gives hugs, miss Pie?” Immediately after his question, Pinkie zooms across the room to tackle-glomp him, and he seems frozen in place for a moment. Then, he slowly hugs her, gently.

“Who doesn’t like hugs?” I ask as I join in, Pinkie somehow managing to get her hooves around both of us at the same time.

After several more minutes of hug-time, Twilight leading the two of us onwards. We’re making our way towards Rainbow Dash’s cloud house.

We come to the field underneath her ever-mobile house today. I suggest throwing stones at the house until we hit ‘er, but Twilight casts a spell to get her attention. It’s strange, but every time Twilight lights her horn to use magic of any kind, Clark twitches a bit.

Maybe he just needs to get familiar with magic. Or maybe he has some kind of problem with it. Could be that demon arm. If he had it before he came through... how did he get it?

When Rainbow Dash finally comes down, she looks confusedly at Clark. “Who the hay is this?” she asks, to which Twilight face-hoofs.

“It’s the new human, the one I talked about?”

“Ohhh... Nope, don’t remember.” Now it’s my turn to face-palm.

After a few minutes, Twilight gets the introductions out of the way, and Rainbow asks a few questions. Clark fields them easily, and even has an impromptu arm-wrestling match with Rainbow, using his altered arm. She loses. Grumbling, she tries again, this time against his left arm. She loses again, but this by a much closer margin.

“So... yeah. I guess unless Dash wants to have a race now, we should head over to see AJ or something.”

“Hey, I could race him to Sweet Apple Acres!” RD says, grinning and gearing up for a race.

Clark raises an eyebrow, but shrugs. “Sure. I’ll probably lose, I’m a better sprinter than a distance runner.”

I grin. “Running. Riiiiiiiight.”

“Nah, I’ll beat him without taking off. He looks like a bit of a slowpoke.” She grins cockily and pokes him in the stomach with a wing joint. Clark smiles back, though I get a twisty feeling in my stomach when he does that. Judging by the sudden change in her ear positioning, I think Dash felt that, too. Either way, though, she gets ready to go, and Clark does too. He raises his right hand in front of his face for a moment, covering his eye on that side.

I laugh. “I’ll see you guys when you get there, okay?” I start a brisk jog towards the smallish red speck on the hill that is the Apple Family barn, just barely visible through all the trees. After a couple moments, I Spark Up, enter my Dynamo form and literally bolt for the barn, getting there in a mere few seconds, but feeling quite tired and out of breath.

I look up, expecting to see a blue blur charging along the ground, with Clark huffing and puffing behind her. Instead, I see a blue blur on the ground... and another blur catching up? It’s got a silvery-blue gleam to it, like an oil slick, but monochrome. It catches up to and surpasses the running pegasus, tearing along the path I used, a dust cloud being dragged into its slipstream, lagging at least thirty feet behind.

Finally, the blur slows to a stop via a long slide in front of me, slipping under a large plow set outside the barn. I can see a quartet of gouges in the hard, dry soil, and have to shield my eyes as the dust storm blows in and flies everywhere. a moment of coughing later, Dash trots up, out of breath from trying to keep up.

“I- I d- didn’t know” she gasped once and held her side. How badly did she push herself? “I didn’t know he had super speed too. So... not fair.” She slides too the ground with a weary groan.

I laugh. “Well, subtracting the time I got from my head start, I beat both of you here by about... twenty seconds? Who’s the fastest in Ponyville now, Dashie?”

Rainbow Dash grumbles, and I’m taken by surprise as Clark crawls from under the plow, his more-than-six-foot-frame somehow unfolding from the cramped space. Silvery stars gleam in his eyes, though they slowly fade. He’s not even out of breath.

I walk over to him. “Hey man, nice jog. Didn’t tell me you got a star core too. When was it? Same time you got the arm?”

“Don’t know. Couldn’t move like that before. Felt... weird.” Aaand he’s back to the broken sentences and shifty eyes.

“Huh, so ya got it when you came here? Neat. I got the same. Fun fact, when humans get to this world, they get random, crazy-ass powers. It’s awesome!”

“... Really? That’s... pretty nice. What’s the cost?”

“Uh... power-strain blackout if you use ‘em too much? That’s what I usually get, though I ended up breaking my hand once. One more tip: Punching something at the speed of light sounds a lot cooler than it feels.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. I have a feeling it’d be a little... easier for me.” He waggles his talon-like fingers back and forth. “I can’t feel much in this, beyond some very basic tactile sense, unless it’s stimulated right.”

“Ooh baby!” I grin. “Are you sure that isn’t how you got it in the first place? They did say it’s a sin... Guess those crazy nuns were on to something, huh?”

He gives me a dead stare. “No. And it’s not funny.” Jeez, mood killer much?

I sigh. “Fine, just trying to... fine. Anyway, let’s go find Applejack. She’s probably out in the orchard.”

Twilight leads the way, Rainbow Dash flapping her way into the air to go nap on a cloud or something. When we find AJ, she’s exactly as I expected, bucking apples down from the trees by whatever sense told her exactly where the buckets needed to be, etc. Could just be experience, but I doubt that. Earth pony magic, I guess

Something odd happens when AJ and Clark meet, though. He starts off quite nice, acting all friendly... but AJ is having none of it. Almost immediately, she’s suspicious, and downright rude.

“So, Y’all just gonna come freeloadin’ while yer here? This ain’t a place for no-use vagrants, mister.”

And other stuff like that. Why is she being so hostile? Especially seeing as how Clark’s being really polite. Something’s gotten in AJ, and it must be making her really stressed if she’s acting like this to some random stranger, especially one who’s a friend of a friend.

I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. “Hey Twi, why don’t you have Clark meet Rarity? I’m going to stay here for a bit.”

“Oh, alright. We should see about getting him some new clothes. Rarity is an amazing seamstress, and...” Twilight’s voice peters out as she walks away, Clark giving a single look at me as he follows Twilight. Not sure what the look means though, I’m just not used to human facial expressions anymore.

I turn to AJ once they’re gone. “So, wanna tell me what that was all about?”

“Ah don’t like him. He feels slimy.” She gives a hard glare towards the bend in the road Clark had disappeared around. The little path winding through the orchard really isn’t more than a trampled section without grass, but still.

“Yeah well, maybe you’re just jumping to conclusions. How would you like it if I introduced you to someone and they started jumping to conclusions, calling you a hay-brained redneck?”

“Ah’d buck their face in. Ah don’t care what you say, Anthony. Ah don’t like him. Don’t go bringin’ him ‘round the farm iff’n you can avoid it.” She goes to a tree and kicks it, with more force than needed, judging by the leaves and sticks that come with the apples.

I nod. “Fair warning Applejack. I’ve known him longer than I’ve known you three times over. If you and him come to blows, I’m siding with him, and seeing as how nice he’s been despite your insults, you’d probably be the one to start it anyway. Don’t do something stupid.” With that, I leave down the trail. I hear her mutter something like ‘ah won’t if he won’t’

With a sigh, I head after my friends. This is going to be a long day.

Chapter 137

I make my way to Rarity’s and after quite a walk, I finally get there. Man, I keep forgetting how far apart these six live. They should live somewhere closer, who knows when shit goes down and they’re all needed? There’s no emergency phone or anything... Kinda weird if you ask me. Oh well, I guess not everything has to be prepared in case of extreme circumstance.

I get to the boutique and, shaking my head to remind myself Rarity won’t be stoned off her ass like last time... seriously, I’d never peg her to be the type... I should ask about that some time.

So I see that everyone’s settled down at the kitchen table and is chatting. At least Rarity seems to like Clark. Wonder what got under AJ’s skin so bad... I walk in, pull up a chair and listen as I wait for a chance to be involved in whatever’s going on.

Before I can actually sit down, however, I feel a slight tug on my pant leg. I look down and see that Sweetie’s trying to get my attention, and gestures to the next room over. I hope she isn’t scared or anything.

Maybe she found out what happened the other day? Oh god I hope I’m not the one she wants to give her the ‘drugs’ talk... Either way, I follow the little filly into the next room and sit down. “You uh, wanted to chat with me?”

“Yeah! We need to go get Applebloom and Scootaloo right away, we’ve got to plan! You’re an honorary Cutie Mark Crusader, so you’ve got to come to the meeting!” She looks at me with pleading eyes, but doesn’t elaborate on the why of the meeting.

“Well, I was kinda hoping to spend some time with Clark. I haven’t seen him in so long... What’s the meeting about?”

“Oh, uhm, we’re gonna be talking about him. Cuz he doesn’t have a cutie-mark either, and he could probably use a friend or two, right?”

“Sweetie, humans don’t get Cutie Marks, of course he doesn’t have one. Only ponies have them. And as for friends, he’s already got me, so that’s one right there, and he seems to be getting along fine with everyone else... But I do think he should meet the Crusaders at the very least.”

“Uhm, so you should come with?” She turns her eyes to their fullest power, and I feel my will to resist flowing away. But I must resist!

“Well... why don’t you invite him along? If he goes, then I will. How’s that for a deal? We can have the meeting another time. It might be a little easier if you all get to know him first anyways, right?”

“But- but- seeecret planning!”

I snicker. “And does he have to know about the meeting? Why not just suggest he come by the clubhouse so everyone gets a chance to meet him. Your seeecret plan doesn’t have to be right now, does it?”

“Well- I- I guess...” She looks so disconsolate.

“Come on, let’s ask him to come with us when he’s done talking with your sister. Then we can have our special meeting after he’s left. How’s that?”

“Oh, alright. C’mon, let’s go ask, then!” Sweetie starts for the sitting room, only stopping to wait for me.

I, of course, follow behind her. I’m not sure what the meeting is about, but I have reason to believe it may have to do with his arm...

“So, d’you wanna come meet the other girls? I’m sure Applebloom and Scootaloo and Noi would want to meet you!” Sweetie’s chest puffs out a little from sheer enthusiasm. Strangely, I see Clark falter a bit.

“Uh, y- yeah. That sounds like it could be fun. So long as there’s someone else too, ‘kay?”

Sweetie agrees instantly, and runs out of the room. A moment later, she returns, says thank you, and leaves again, this time accompanied by the front door closing.

Clark looks fine again. “Well, she seems pretty nice.”

Rarity practically preens. “She’s the absolute dearest. She and her friends are most energetic, day-to-day, always trying to figure out their cutie marks.” Rarity smiles, then notices what the clock behind Clark says on it. “Oh, my! If you want to make it to Fluttershy’s house, you’ll need to leave sooner, rather than later to avoid sunset. It can be terribly hard to navigate around here without the light of the sun.”

I grin. “Light of the sun? Pfft, who needs the sun?” I ask rhetorically as I Spark Up, my grayish glow brightening the room.

“Better to move in the day. Fewer things move then than at night, after all.” Clark says, offhandedly.

I shrug. “Point taken, though trust me, the monsters around here are wimps... just don’t let your guard down, that’s all.”

He gives me a genuine smile. “Never will.” He stands, thanks Rarity for her generosity and hospitality, and she giggles and smiles to herself. Man, he’s laying it on thick. However, he does get her to start working on a new set of clothes for him. Twilight, Clark, and I get moving, heading towards Fluttershy’s house. I hope she takes his presence better than AJ did.

Twilight knocks on Fluttershy’s door, and announces herself and I, and says she’s got someone to introduce to ‘Shy. When the buttery pegasus peeks out of her house through a slightly-open door, she stops and gapes at Clark.

“Y-you’re so big!” Is all she can say.

I start to smile, and see Clark suddenly wearing an identical grin. After a moment of her gawping at him, he speaks up. “Well, I don’t want to brag, but I am rather tall.” And just like that, he breaks Fluttershy, the pegasus’ eyes going wide as her pupils shrink to pinpricks. Her eyes roll up, and she passes clean-out.

I think Clark is the most shocked of all of us, though, and looks like he just found out he’d shot a puppy by mistake.

I roll my eyes and turn to Twilight. “I carried her last time, your turn.”

“Oh, fine. Clark, why don’t you step i-” We look over to see Clark kneeling by Fluttershy with a blank look on his face, two fingers of his left hand pressed gently to her throat. His demonic arm hovers right in front of her muzzle.

“Dude, she’s fine! She does this a lot! Think like an opossum, only with more fear issues.”

Clark nods, absently, and lifts Fluttershy, cradling the pegasus’ with his right arm, and using his left to open the door. With a confidence I haven't seen from him all day, he simply enters the room, looks left and right, and moves to set her on the couch. Sighing, I walk in behind him, expecting to hear the usual background clamor of Fluttershy’s home. Instead, I’m surrounded by an almost oppressive silence.

“Okay, that’s weird... But ‘Shy’s gonna be alright. Give her ten minutes and she’ll be up and offering you dinner.” Sure enough, it only takes seven minutes before she’s recomposed herself, and is trying to be hospitable. During that time, not a single animal is fully visible, and not a sound is heard but from the ponies and humans in the room. I keep seeing glinting eyes glaring from knotholes, birdhouses, and the like, and even the occasional fuzzy blur moving from one place to another, but they never reveal themselves. Even the domestic rabbits, who usually come out to just laze around on anything that might hand them food for the luxury of their company, are in hiding.

It’s the arm. His arm. The corruption doesn’t sit well with the harmony magic that is pretty much everywhere. Like a dog barking at spirits, they run from his corruption... But his mind is fine. I need to know how, when, and where he got it... I’ll ask when we’re alone. I doubt it’s a story for pony ears...

I guess the universal belief that acceptance is the best policy doesn’t reach beyond things that aren’t alien to them... I’m not sure if that’s hypocritical, ironic... or just sad. I return my thoughts to the conversation at hand. Now that she’s awaken, Fluttershy is getting along with Clark just fine, and Anne seems interested, though also a bit trepid. Again... the arm... I need to get everyone to understand why it’s not the same as a rampaging demon...

We finally start leaving Fluttershy after a fish-based dinner, which Clark practically shreds in his haste to eat it all, looking almost bestial as he does. It’s weird, but I think Fluttershy actually feels safer when he does that. Might be the whole deal with her liking animals better than people. Still, the meal is good, and I’m a bit surprised to see Twilight eat the meal exactly like everyone else, fish and all. She doesn’t say a thing about it, neither positive nor negative. Guess she’s a bit less close-minded about the whole meat thing. Hey, you need protein somehow.

After our meal and visit are finished, the three of us head back to the library.

Twilight then makes a realization. “Oh no... I don’t have anywhere for Clark to sleep... I mean, he’s too big for the couch in the main room, what do we do?”

I laugh. “You haven’t seen this guy sleep. He can do fine with blanket on a wood floor. He can bunk in my room until we get a place for him.”

Twilight seems unsure and turns to Clark. “Are- are you okay with that?”

“I- uhm, can I choose when we get there?” Twilight nods assent to his request.

I shrug. “If you still need to shrug off your PTSD, Twi’s got a basement under the tree. Just don’t touch anything down there, who knows what crazy shit she does down there?”

“N-no, not underground, please.”

“Oookay then. Fine, whatever you choose when we get there. But seriously, I’ve been down there twice, and the second time, I swear something exploded.”

“Wait, before you go parceling off my perfectly legitimate laboratory, he could easily sleep in the side room. There’s a couch in there, and it’s pretty comfy. I, uh, may have fallen asleep in there a few times.”

Clark looks at her a for a sec. “Yeah, that’ll work.” He pauses for a moment. “Thank you.”

“Perfectly legitimate, sure. Then why do you have containment units that can contain practically anything short of an explosion of cosmic energy? Are you sure you couldn’t make, Idunno, some sort of magical bomb or something?”

“Could and would are different things, Anthony. And I had the containment units for testing you!” I see Clark flinch at the words, even though they aren’t aimed at him. I remember him saying something about ‘them’ testing him.

“Yeah, well, they didn’t do that good of a job if I can just melt them with my bare hands.”

The back and forth discussion continues, mostly about just what Twilight does down there, and her being vague. Eventually we reach the library.

“I still don’t have solid proof that you aren’t some mad scientist. Heck, if Spike shows up with a hunch someday, I’m having you committed.”

“What? He only had a hunch because he kept reading in the cubby to hide the light!” Twilight stops when she admits this, and covers her mouth. Clark and I both stare at her, mutely surprised. Even by Ponyville standards, that was pretty random. And a little sinister.

“Twilight, I have a feeling that you shouldn’t be allowed in your lab during a lightning storm. I’m keeping my eye on you, and if you start talking about brains, I’m going to get you tossed in an asylum.” I tease.

Twilight just sputters and mumbles, giving me angry looks. Heh, score another for me. Though, she calms pretty darn fast when Clark starts scratching her behind the ears as they walk. Damnit, he’s really doing the ‘nice’ thing for her. Basically every pony except AJ has liked him, and he’s seemed to like them back. Heck, he was even polite with AJ when she was insinuating things about him that make no sense. I still want to figure out what her problem is.

I’d blame it on the arm again, but this time, AJ just outright doesn’t like him while everyone else does... Whether it’s the arm or not, I plan on asking tonight. He has to tell someone about it right?

As we get inside, Twilight shows him to the side room, and shows him to the couch. She floats in a blanket, and he gingerly accepts it, before finally shaking it out, though it looks like he’s basically pinching it in his right fingers, and holding it normally in his left. Must be the strength boost of it. The moment Twilight leaves the room, I’m getting ready to talk to him while he settles in, but he seems to have disappeared by the time I turn to him. Looking around, I almost miss his corrupted arm sneaking out from under the couch to pull the last of the blanket underneath it.

I sigh sadly. “I know old habits die hard, and whatever happened that made you get into this habit of being so high-strung must have been awful... you wanna talk about it?”

“No, need to sleep. Need to wake early.” I can see a single off-yellow eye staring at me from under the couch. His hand-eye.

I should ask if he can see with that, but I guess I’ll ask later tomorrow... I walk slowly up to my own bedroom, and go to sleep.

Chapter 138

I yawn and stretch as I get up, and I see Twilight walking into my room. “Ah good, you’re awake. Did you use the kitchen last night?”

“Nah, I just... went to bed and slept all night.”

“Huh, odd... must’ve gotten lost during a wash... oh well. Do you want to go get Clark, then? We can try asking him questions if he’s up for it, or just try to be friends if he needs that more.” she smiles at me.

“Yeah, that might not be a good idea at the moment. The guy can sleep until noon on an ‘early’ day.”

“Really? He was up and reading when I got up, a couple hours ago.”

“Must be restless. Kinda happens when you are suddenly flung into a whole new world where pretty much everything is different.” I head downstairs after pulling my shirt on and head for the kitchen. I take a pan and fry myself an egg. I gotta say, cooking is a lot easier when you can make your own fire and have it start super hot. I slide the two-second fried egg onto a plate and grab a fork on my way out of the kitchen.

I see that Clark’s sitting with his back to a bookshelf, right arm idly grabbing a book from behind him, while he skims the one in front of him. To his left is a stack of around six books. It’s not even noon.

“Dude, you been up all night? What happened to sleeping?”

“Slept four hours. Got up, didn’t have anything to do. I started reading.” His face is somewhere between dead-serious and utterly impassive. I don’t think he’s actually paying much attention to the conversation.

“So whatcha been reading?” I go over to the stack of books and look at the titles on their bindings.

“Basic Thaumaturgy, Geography of the Continental Nation of Equestria, Myths and Legends of the Northern Territories, Sudden Dive’s Bestiary of Western Equestria, Sudden Dive’s Bestiary of Eastern Equestria, K.A. Yearling’s A Guide to Archeology, and I’m almost finished with A Brief History of Equestria, Second Abridged Edition.”

“Jeez, haven’t lost it, have you? Always been able to burn through a novel in a day... So, learn anything interesting? Oh, one thing, that ‘Yearling’ character isn’t exactly the best author of fiction, so I’d suggest you take a guidebook from her with a bit of trepidation.”

“Dust jacket says she has four degrees, one for hippology, one for geology, one for archeology, and one for sociology.” Damn, guess she’s smarter than I thought. Daring Do still sucks though. He flips the last page of the Brief History book over, then takes the one his right hand had grabbed and opens it. For a brief moment, I saw a picture of a horse’s head in gold leaf on the front. The book was nothing but pictures with tiny subtitles beneath each.

“The heck kinda book is that?”

“Don’t know, just started reading.”

Huh, oooookay then. “Well, uh... Pinkie is probably finished setting up your welcome party by now, just waiting on invitations at this point, I assume...” I say as I go outside to check the mailbox. No bursts of confetti assault me as I open it. Must be going a bit subtler this time around.

I look inside and I look for the usual pink envelopes she uses for her invitations... nope, all normal. Did she run out of construction paper or something?

A quick check and I find that there aren’t any invitations of any kind. Huh, could have sworn she’d-

“Hiya Anthony!” I whirl around and I see Pinkie jumping up and hugging me in a flying tackle.

Or she’s coming by to tell us herself... right.

“Heya Pinkie.” I say, readjusting my hold on her so I’m carrying her rather than having her latched onto me. I just bring her inside and I set her down on the couch next to me, across the room from Clark. “He’s been reading more than Twilight, and faster too.”

“Woooaaah... did he get that as a super-power, or just ‘cuz he’s super-smart already?”

I ponder this for a moment. “From what I know of him, probably a combination of both.”

“So, you all ready for the party today?” Pinkie asks, looking up at me happily. I smile back.

“Yup, guess we’re just waiting on Clark to finish there.” I shift my attention to my friend. “Hey man, wanna see what a Pinkie Party is like?”

“One minute, almost finished.” I see that he’s reading a different book than the one I left him with. Probably because it was a picturebook. Must’ve been from the kid’s section.

It doesn’t take long for him to get finished, and the four of us make our way to Sugarcube Corner. When we get inside the giant gingerbread house, Pinkie sets Clark and I at a table and brings out some baked treats of various sorts, Pinkie handing Clark a rather abnormally-sized cupcake.

He just holds it, staring at the confectionary treat for almost a minute straight. I can see Pinkie’s expression drooping, her ears going down. She doesn’t look like she knows how to react, and I don’t think Clark is doing any better on that front.

“Come on man, she didn’t put any hot sauce in it or anything... at least, I don’t think she did.” Pinkie shakes her head.

“I made it kinda big, but other than that it’s just a cupcake. Do... do you not like cupcakes?”

Clark gulps a little. “I- I haven’t seen anything like it in... I don’t know how long. No watches, no calendars where I was.”

“Yeah... Anne said Earth was kinda... messed up. I’m guessing that a lot of things are different there now, huh?”

“Not really Earth anymore... just a place.” He slowly brings the cupcake to his mouth, and licks the icing. I can’t tell what his emotions are right now, but they seem positive enough, from his facial expressions.

“Well, wherever you were, you aren’t there anymore. Ponyville may be this world’s weirdness magnet, but most of the time it’s pretty safe and happy. Any demons that come through, I kick back to hell. Or wherever they go when I kill them... well okay, it’s only been one demon so far, but you get the point.”

Twilight shifts in her seat a little, and Clark slowly turns to Pinkie. “It’s so... sweet. I haven’t tasted real sweet in a long time.”

I chuckle. “Trust me, spend enough time here at Sugarcube Corner and sweet will be the only flavor you recognize for a while.” I ruffle Pinkie’s mane. “This mare and her landlords can take pretty much anything and turn it into a dessert.”

Clark takes a small bite from the cupcake, and extends it towards Pinkie while chewing. When she looks confused at the gesture, I feel a small spark of recognition. He’s offering food to a provider. Not sure where the intuition comes from, but it makes sense.

Pinkie gets it after I nudge her under the table, and she takes a small bit of the cupcake and eats it, obviously she’s feeling a bit off, because she just eats it like a normal pony. Pinkie eating pastries like a normal person? After she swallows and smiles to him, he looks relieved, and finishes it off, relishing every bite.

I don’t want ponies thinking he’s normally all depressed and... twitchy. He’s clearly on the road to recovery already, but I doubt just giving him cupcakes will do much.

It’s at this moment a few ponies come by, here for the ‘early-party’ as usual for Ponyvillians. I just sit back and let Clark get all the attention, figuring he should be the center of attention. He needs exposure, to realize that even though they’re weird and mildly xenophobic... they are nice. Genuinely friendly.

Clark seems to be taking it well, too, looking more and more comfortable the more ponies are around. I quickly see it’s because there’s fewer paying attention to him as they talk to each other instead. But he’s doing alright, shifty eyes aside.

Progress is progress I guess. I’m gonna get through to you man, and then everything will be like it was before. I promise... you’re gonna be okay, even if you’ve been through what might as well be literal Hell, you’re gonna be okay...

After about an hour of partying later, I can’t find Clark in the crowd anymore. After a moment, I see him follow someone through the swinging doors to the kitchen, which I thought was empty by now. What’s he doing?

I get out of my seat in the corner and head over to the kitchen. Seeing a few lemons on the counter, I think back to the snowcone thing. I wonder how well it went over. Eh, I can ask later. I don’t want to let my friend go off alone. If something happens and he freaks out... he’s gonna need someone to back him up. Otherwise, god knows what Celestia would think of it.

Moving to the kitchen, I carefully peek around the corner. Mostly hidden from my view, all I can see is his legs, as if he’s laying or sitting on the floor, with another pair of legs on top of his. They’re buttery yellow, with a long, pink tai- oh what the hell?!

I walk around the corner expecting the worst and I see Fluttershy on top of Clark and they’re... just laying there. Clark’s laying back and giving Fluttershy scritches behind her ears, leaving the pony a veritable puddle from relaxation. Of course. Goddammit brain, that’s just not cool!

As I pass the corner and all this comes into view, though, Clark’s very suddenly moving. With a single, fluid motion, he standing in what I can only assume is a protective stance, demon arm ready to claw at me. His face is twisted in a  snarl, until he sees who it is. Fluttershy looks up from the floor, seeming utterly confused about the whole thing, which barely took four seconds to resolve.

I raise my arms in the typical way as if I was guilty. “I swear, I was only thinking about stealing it. I mean hi.” I say, grinning at the faked defense.

“Don’t do that, man.” Clark says, slowly sitting down, a bit stiffly. Fluttershy looks back and forth between us, until Clark simply lifts her to his lap again, and starts scratching behind her ears once more. “I almost at... almost had a heart attack.”

His little slip isn’t lost on me, but I appreciate him realizing what should and shouldn’t be said. Especially around Fluttershy. “Sorry. Anyway, I was thinking that it’d be a good idea to practice with your new powers a bit. Having a star core is fun, but only if you know what you’re doing. Otherwise you might blow up... and destroy everything else... you know, how about we get that practice in as soon as possible, huh?”

“The party’s still going.” there’s little tone to his voice, but it sounds vaguely skittish about the thought of leaving early. Which is odd, given that he snuck off with one of the host’s friends for some heavy... scratching. Goddamnit, brain!

“Yeah alright, after the party. Just don’t get too excited, I really can’t remember when I discovered my powers, but I do know that they can be rather dangerous. Just stay calm and have a good time.” With that, I leave for the front room to hang around a bit. I figure I’d chat with a few ponies or whatever. Not gonna stay in the corner the entire time after all.

The party’s winding down, and there’s still sunlight to go around. Pinkie’s parties are usually held closer to the night, but I guess she wanted to make it as non-scary as possible for Clark. Going back to the kitchen, I find that he’s still with Fluttershy, though the pony has fallen asleep completely on his lap.

Fluttershy is so adorable when she sleeps... I go over and pet her a bit. How is she so darn soft anyhow? You’d expect someone who lives by the woods with a bunch of animals around would be more... scruffy.

Still, if I want any part of this day to be productive, rather than just mildly therapeutic, I need to get Clark to stop scratching ‘Shy and come with me to practice, sooner rather than later. Especially since he doesn’t have a friendly constellation to explain stuff to him, and I don’t want to be partially responsible for him blowing Ponyville off the map.

“So, wanna learn how your new powers work, or sit here not knowing how awesome it is to have them?”

“I- I should learn my powers.” He slowly picks up Fluttershy and sets her down as he stands, leaving her in his warm spot. He stands, and I realize that all my problems with being as tall as I am are truly compounded with him. Except for the doors thing.

“Anyway, we should probably find a clear, open area. Come on, I’ll show you a good place.” We walk to the edge of Ponyville past the train station and there’s a pretty large grassy area. It’s almost sunset, but with an open area like this, shadows won’t be a problem so it won’t be that dark.

“So, first up is the basics. You know how you started glowing when you were racing Rainbow?”

He thinks for a moment. He raises his arm, closing his eyes. The eye on the back of the hand opens up, and a series of vents under the chitinous armor on the limb being releasing a large cloud of gas, though it’s more like an amorphous hole into the night. It actually rather reminds me of Luna’s mane, but less blue.

“Uh, not quite... Try just wanting to glow. Like, your body. That’s what works for me.” I demonstrate, the steel-grey color replacing my skin as it turns vaguely translucent. “Now you try.”

Clark clenches his hand, and I can see him gritting his teeth. Something similar happens to him, but the color is more silvery and green-blue like before. Something with a name like seafoam, or teal. He opens his eyes and they’re solidly filled with glimmering specks, but otherwise they’re vacant, black windows. Now, I’ve seen myself in the mirror, and my eyes don’t do that... they just look like someone replaced my eyes with twinkly lights.

“Alright, I guess that works. Now, a few things. You have elemental powers too, but for now, let’s focus on something less potentially destructive. Intangibility.”

I dip my hand into the ground at my feet all the way up to my elbow, and take it back out. “Your turn.”

He looks down, and slams his right arm into the soil, the gaseous cloud of night following the arm like it’s in a bubble. He withdraws his hand, and there’s no soil clinging to it, and no hole in the ground. Good.

“Alright, doing good. As you know, you’re also much faster too. Another cool bit is... well, kinda hard to show you right here, but you’re basically non-dependant on oxygen for, like, ten times longer than normal.”

“Huh. You mentioned elemental powers. Can you show me?”

“Sure. Pinkie already mentioned fire, so let’s start with that.” I summon flames from my fingertips like candles, then they slowly grow and cover my arm, demonstrating slowly so it’s easy to follow. I stay in my typical Spark from, wanting to cover elemental forms later.

Clark responds by holding out his demon arm, and a burst of black-edged flames pour forth in a gout almost fifteen feet long. The heat and fire hurts, even from this distance from me, and I can feel that the fire’s not normal in any sense. Thankfully, he’d been pointing it somewhat up, so there’s only a little bit of grass and such on fire for now, and that’s easy enough for the two of us to stamp out in a short-lived panic.

“Sorry, didn’t know it’d do that. Just felt... natural.”

“Hey, no problem, that’s why we’re practicing, right? Let’s try something a bit more friendly to the landscape.” I switch hands and summon the typical sparks before I end up basically having an orb of electricity at the end of my wrist.

Clark watches for a few moments, before gesturing with his hand. A bolt of lightning arcs suddenly from his hand, and I get ready to enter Dynamo form to take it instead of potentially hitting something valuable or vulnerable. But then, it... stops? Mid-air, it suddenly begins curling back on itself, twisting and crackling as it goes. The electrical arcs coming from it zip to anything nearby, but it’s got a clearly defined end, somewhere around fifteen feet long. With an experimental flick of the wrist, Clark snaps it like a whip, and with far more familiarity with that sort of movement than I’d expected.

“Huh, that’s weird. Oh well, control is difficult sometimes. Let’s focus on something similar. Rather than summon the element, try to be it.” I switch to Dynamo, my steel-blue aura becoming cyan, and my skin becoming an off-white yellow. “It makes it a bit easier to control the respective element, so this might be useful until you get the hang of things.”

He nods, and his starscape colors turns to the hellish red of a red supergiant, dull and sullen. Strangely, the electric whip’s still there, but in his other hand he summons a few dark-red flames.

“Oooookay then. Again, try not using any... you know what, forget it, let’s move on.” I summon coal dust from my pouch at my side and pull the little pile into my hand. “You try.” I say, handing to him. “Think like telekinesis, but having control of all the particles.”

He looks down at the dust, and focuses. The dust stirs a little, and I wait to see what he’s making.

Ten seconds pass, and I see it’s just the wind taking some of the coal dust away.

“I don’t feel anything.” he says, the whip and starfield having dissipated as he concentrated. “The others, I felt different, when using them. Nothing here.”

“Odd, That’s supposed to be part of it, right? Okay, skip that, try this.” I go with my classic size enhancement, though not turning into a giant, just making myself bigger by a rather noticeable amount.

He furrows his brows, but nothing happens. After a moment, he tries making motions, but nothing happens.

“Nothing... Damn, I swear Lyra said that... Oh well, maybe you didn’t get a normal star core or something, but you definitely have one of some kind. Maybe we should go see Twilight. Joking aside, she does have good equipment, and if you can’t just control your powers like I do, we should probably have you contained.” Something flickers across his face as I say this. “But if you start to feel claustrophobic or something, you can always just phase right through the container. Intangibility, nothing can touch you unless you want it to.”

Clark doesn’t look too happy with this. Meanwhile, though, I’m trying to figure out what went wrong with the training. I turn some things over in my head. I came through as a star, and Anne came through as an invisible/unsmellable/etc. bronze harpy, while Myrna came through as a gorgon with the power to control stone. Clark... hmm, Clark did something with plants when he first showed up. Something allowed him to make a shield, and it looked like it was made of wood. He also had some sort of whip he controlled directly then, and I was told they were just something like blackberry vines once he’d been knocked out, wrapped around his demon arm and not quite the normal genus or species.

What am I missing?

I lead us over to the nearby treeline and direct him to a tree. “Make it do something.”

“Like?” He looks a bit confused. “Why don’t you show me, first?”

“You did something with plants when you first showed up before taking some blows to the head. I’m not an herbopath or whatever, but apparently you have something. Idunno, tell the tree to dance or something.”

He gives me an odd look, before gently laying his left hand on the treetrunk. He closes his eyes and... nothing. Damnit.

What am I miss- wait, no, the branches are moving. Slowly, the tree begins to uproot itself, dragging forth huge clumps of dirt as it starts turning more and more humanoid by the second. Clark isn’t touching it anymore, and as I look at the slowly forming tree-person, I realize Clark collapsed, blood dribbling from one nostril.

Eventually, the tree has compacted down to the shape of a humanoid, female, and shorter than me. The gentle fall of branches is tinted a vague copper. The shape, the appearance reminds me strongly of someone, but I’m not sure exactly who. I try to get a face, but other than a few knots for eyes and a gash of a mouth, the ‘face’ is just a slab of bark, no features at all.

The diminutive tree-person just stands there, waiting, but Clark is out cold.

I figure we can look more into this later. I enhance my size once more and, picking up Clark carefully, I take him back to the library. The sun is starting to go down anyways.

The tree-girl doesn’t move as I step away from the clearing, the only moving being its face constantly turning to ‘watch’ Clark.

Chapter 139

I get us back to the library in record time, my currently super-sized legs and feel of urgency of my friend collapsing kicking me into overdrive. Luckily, Twilight is still awake so I get some help getting him inside and onto the couch. Once we’re sure he’s stable and the nasal bleeding has stopped, Twilight begins with the questioning. I figure all the information I can give her will help so I don’t spare details. When I get to the part about him turning a tree into a human woman shape with independant movement she flips out.

“Independant? As in, capable of moving on its own? Where is it now?”

“Uh, no idea, I just left it there. I figure this is kinda big because doesn’t it take, like concentration to make something else move? She started moving about the time he blacked out and just kinda... stared at him while I carried him back here. Sure seemed independant to me, though probably still has some sort of link to him.”

“You just left it- what if it’s dangerous? What if it acts like a timberwolf, and hurts somepony?!”

I summon a fireball to my hand. “A wooden construct is no problem. My friend who seems to be having trouble with his powers is a little more important to me at the moment. Get it?”

“But- agh, you have a good point.” She begrudges me. Thinking over my story, she stops. “What did you mean, previously, that he was creating a ‘flamethrower’ with his hand?”

“So a flamethrower is a tool or weapon, depending on how it’s used by the individual, to shoot a large, constant stream of flames, the purpose of it is for incineration of the target. Rather than my fire powers where I just summon fire across my body, he projects it. I’m not sure if that’s all he can do with it though, he seems new to his powers. Either way, I consider the difference is due to one of two things or a combination of both: His star core is different from mine, or his demonic corruption which does not affect his judgement in any way alters the result.”

“Hmm... was there anything else about his powers that were different?” I think back, and remember the cloud that vented from his arm.

“Yeah, when he first tried to Spark Up, his arm kind of opened up some vents and let off some kind of stellar gas. Once I explained how I did it, he got it down, but his arm definitely changes what he can do, whether intentional or not.”

“Interesting... oh, did you say something to Fluttershy earlier? She’s been practically skipping since the party, but hasn’t said why.”

“I don’t know, though she spent a bit of time with Clark, him just petting her for a while. Might be related as it’s the only thing I can think of that’s different.”

“Hmm... alright, is there any medical notes I should have on him? Heart problems, seizures, anything like that? I want to be able to help if he needs it.”

“Not that I know of. He might have developed some stuff while he was... gone, but you’d have to ask the hospital staff about that one. Aside from conditions he had before that, I say he’s fine... relatively speaking.” I turn towards the couch and see that he’s still out cold.

With a slight groan, he opens his eyes, the transition from nearly comatose to waking faster than I’ve ever seen him get up.

Without a word, he sits up, eyes darting left and right before settling on Twilight and myself. His face softens a bit. “Ugh... what happened?”

I decide to answer. “Well, you turned a tree into a lady, and passed out. You feeling alright?”

“I- what? How did I...” His confusion clears away swiftly. “Yes, I’m fine. what happened with the tree? After I passed out, that is.”

“I kinda made you priority-one and got you back here. I just left that tree-woman to... be a tree-woman. I guess if she turns out to be dangerous I can take care of that quickly.”

“Weird... So, what’s next to do?” And he just... discards the moment?

“Well it actually kinda late. I suppose sleep, but I could go out and patrol for that animate tree for a while. It was a ways away from town, so if it’s headed here it shouldn’t take long to find. The other options are it wandered into the forest or is still out there by the field waiting for a command from it’s ‘creator’ or something.”

Clark shrugs. “Do I need to come with?”

“Not really, but I guess you can if you want. If you feel okay now then it should be fine. My blackouts usually last longer than what you had, and I’m wondering if there are any side effects to such a quick recovery. Again, up to you.”

“No, I feel fine. Would you prefer I come with?”

“Eh, sure. A walking tree shouldn’t be hard to find, but you never know.” With that, Clark gets up off the couch, seeming fine. Guess he just has it easier than me. Either way, we head out the door. “You check around the town for a bit. I’m gonna go back to the field and see if it’s there, then come back here. If I find it, I’ll come get you. Deal?”

“Understood.” He turns and leaves without a second word. If I didn’t know he was off before, I’d know it now. Guess surviving in a post-apocalyptic world just kinda makes you either get into the ‘surviving soldier’ mindset, or end up dead. Pretty obvious which one he chose...

Shaking the thoughts out of my head, I make my way back to the field to search for the tree construct.

It’s an easy search, as it hasn’t moved at all, other than its head turning slowly to track something in town. Clark, maybe? Most likely, actually, now that I think about it.

“So you do have some kind of mind link.” I get no response. “Uh... hello? Oh what am I doing?” All it has for a mouth is a gash. no tongue, no voicebox, no speech. “Fine, just... stay there.”

Talking to an unresponsive, mobile tree-person is getting weirder by the second. I look at which direction she’s facing and gauge where Clark is before heading off to find him.

I hear a weird noise, like footsteps and I realize that it’s following me. Huh... okay then, this just bumped up the ‘creepy-meter’ to about a six. Maybe seven considering it stops walking the very second I do, like it knows what I’m doing and is mimicking me... I’m gonna find Clark. An easy task as I just use the plant-chick as a compass, her head still pointed in whatever direction I assume Clark is in.

Sure enough, my All-Natural Compass has led me to him and I begin introductions. “This... is your latest uh... creation?”

Clark turns to look at it, and immediately goes white as a sheet. With a strangled cry, he moves backwards, tripping on a planter-box, falling over backwards. I turn to the tree and see that it’s rapidly decaying, falling apart. Within moments, the tree-thing is nothing but a decrepit pile of half-composted wood. I look back to Clark, and see that he’s curled up, hands over his face, wracked with sobs.

“Dude... did you just...” I wrack my brain trying to think of the right term and my head decides on one. “Unsummon her? Damn... Hey man, you gonna be okay?” Clark just shivers and cries, shaking from the force of his tears and sadness. What the hell happened? What about the plant-person was so bad it made him do... this?

Waitasecond. Hmmm... It’s been a while, but that tree-person did look like someone I knew. “Was that supposed to be... your mom?” He shakes his head. Hmm... too short, too slim. Who? Who else could it- Oh god.

“Gina...” The sobbing reaches a crescendo, and he curls tighter into himself.

I wrap my arms around him. “It’s... it’s gonna be okay. Everything’s gonna be fine just... let it out buddy.” I sigh. He lost his sister... damn, she was so nice.. I don’t think she’d ever deserve anything.

He continues to weep, quieting only after nearly four minutes. He finally quiets completely as he falls asleep. Damn... I need to know what happened to him. Not now, but tomorrow, maybe. Yeah, I need to work on getting him to tell me.

Sighing, we get up and head back to the library. I just hope that tomorrow doesn’t end on such a sour note too. Even I remember Gina... shit, now I feel like crying... I better get to the library before I become a wreck.

Today’s waking comes accompanied by the steady pitter-patter of rain on the window. I’d forgotten to check the weather schedule earlier, again. It’s still not a habit. Oh well, this looks like a minor rain, though it’s going to be cold, considering it’s already early fall.

Yawning and stretching, I get up and head downstairs. Clark’s already up again, reading. He doesn’t seem any different from normal. I head off to the kitchen and look through the cupboards for something to eat. After a while I give up and make a ball of dough and stuff it full of chocolate chips and cook it. I bite into my cookie-ball and walk back into the main room, figuring I’d wait for Twi to wake up.

By the time she comes down the stairs, she’s already looking awake. She’s also carrying an envelope, which looks to be stuffed full of golden dollar bills or something. Hmm... maybe there’s a Willy Wonka in this world? I could go with some of that candy... I miss Nerds. And the opportunity to claim cannibalism whilst eating them.

She hands me one and it turns out to be a ticket, reinforcing the Willy Wonka idea. I look closer and realize that it’s got a little admission notice on it. Like some sort of super fancy party. “So uh, what’s this for?”

Twilight sighs, a deep, heartfelt sigh. “They’re for the Grand Galloping Gala. I’ve been... drafted to go, and I can nominate five others. In the interest of trying to disrupt the tedium, I’m nominating you, Rainbow, and the first three ponies I come across when I step outside.”

I quirk an eyebrow. “Drafted? A gala is a kind of party, right? Why do you act like you’re being sent to war?”

“The same reason Celestia tries to ruin it every year. It’s basically the nobility asserting their collective right to boss around Celestia, thanks to the attempts at checks and balances she tried to make. I think they’re there to make it easier if she or Luna ever go rogue.”

“Sounds like they could use a bodyguard.” a smirk. “And I don’t mean those pussies in armor all over Canterlot.”

“Er, the guard? They’re ponies, not cats.”

“Oh Twilight, you’re so non-vulgar it’s cute.” I say and pat her on the head condescendingly. “Either way, seriously, if the problem is with nobles messing with them, I doubt they’d cross someone who is deliberately there to make sure they don’t annoy the princesses.”

“No, no, they’re civil. Too civil. Celestia can’t cancel the Gala without a nine-tenths supermajority, and they use it to posture and puff out their chests at each other... last time, I sat next to Princess Celestia for three hours straight while she shook with each arriving noble, and then we had no time to actually do anything. The first time I went to the Gala, there was something of an engineered disaster by Celestia. Er, using my friends as the catalyst.”

“I see. Sounds like a party in need of lightening up. I’d be happy to help if that’s the case.” I say, a wicked grin across my face. “I’m sure I can make quite the impression if I put my mind to it.”

“Oh, if that was all, she’d just send Pinkie. No, this is a party that’ll either go ‘swimmingly’ by the nobility’s standards, or whoever goes and ruins it gets ostracized for about half a year. Frankly? I look forward to getting amnesty from dealing with the nobles for half a year.”

I lean closer to Twilight. “Listen, if I was talking about Pinkie’s version of lightening things up, I’d send her too. I have my own ways. Don’t worry your little head, it might end up interesting after all. However, you might like to pretend you don’t know me afterwards, fair warning.”

“Fair enough.” Twilight turns and dourly walks out the front door, shouting at whomever she saw and shoving tickets at them. I quietly shut the door behind her.

However, this gives me time to deal with Clark. “So, man, you wanna talk about... screw it, I’m gonna get to the elephant. Your arm. How’d you get it if it was before coming here?”

He pauses. Just... sits in place and looks at the book in his lap.

“If it’s because of something you had to do to survive, I’m probably the best one to tell, because anyone else here will still consider you evil because you stooped to that level... I don’t want to see you threatened with execution... or worse.”

“I did what I had to... and I joined them.” He doesn’t look up, but slowly closes the book.

“Yeah, but you had a good reason. You didn’t want to die. As much as they wouldn’t like to believe it, that’s a perfectly good reason. Some of these ‘holier-than-thou’ ponies see anything like that horrible and evil... But I know you aren’t. You’re not some raging psychopath like the one I fought. You just did it to stay alive... Getting others to understand will be difficult, but we have to try. Your arm says you’re evil... but I know better.”

“They organize by threat level. Those on the bottom are the least scary. They ‘only’ murder innocents without a qualm, rape and kill for no reason. Those at the top... they’re nightmares, in living flesh.”

“And just because you joined them to survive does not make you like them. I know it. You could have woken up in the hospital and started doing horrible things to ponies. You didn’t, you hid under the bed. You were scared. You’re not a mon-”

“I was somewhere in the middle-top, before I arrived here.” His demonic arm slowly gouges a shape into the floor below.

“Are you trying to convince me that they’re right, that I should just kill you like the other beast? Because it’s not gonna work. No matter what you did, it wasn’t for the sake of doing it. There’s a difference. I’m not gonna hurt you...”

“Just don’t say I’m not a monster, if you don’t know what you’re talking about. My first instinct is to hide, then to strike. I wasn’t surviving. I was thriving.” Slowly, he reaches for the book again, opening it and starting to read again. “I have things I want to read today. I’ll talk to you later.”

I nod and get up to leave, but offer one parting sentence. “You may have been a monster, but you don’t have to be anymore.” With that, I exit the library and go to clear my head.

It’s not long before I realize I have absolutely nothing to do. The gala isn’t for another three weeks. What do I do until then?

Chapter 140

Wandering around for the day proved fruitless, and the next day, I decide to show Clark some of my other friends. He’s been introduced to the Elements, now it’s time he met Myrna.

I figure I’d just lead him to the park since Myrna has trouble getting inside buildings at times. There are probably a bajillion fat jokes I could use, but each one would end up with me being eaten or worse, most likely. We get to the park and I see a bit of her... stomach? Hip? Tail? what do you call a part of a snake that isn’t either end? Well, whatever it’s called, I see a loop of it hanging on a branch and I reach up and poke it.

I can hear Clark shift suddenly as Myrna winds her way down the tree. She smiles at me, and starts to greet me. Then, she catches sight of Clark.

“Oh, hello there. Did you just arrive?” She asks in a calm, even tone, still smiling slightly. I step back a little, to watch them both.

“Been here a few days.” He’s got his face down, not looking up. I can sort of understand, Myrna is a bit intimidating, and I know Clark’s a fan of mythology, so he’s probably avoiding getting an eyeful of petrification.

I shrug. “So, yeah. Clark, this is Myrna, she’s a gorgon if you couldn’t tell, but she’s usually nice. Myrna this is Clark, my best friend in the universe... I guess if you count past-Earth then two.”

“You only met a couple days ago, and you’re already best buds? Heh, maybe I should cancel the competition.” She jokes amiably, though Clark’s suddenly kneeling down. He splays out his hands, palms-down, his head still down.

I’m about to respond, when Myrna gets a look at Clark’s hand, and the eye staring up from the back of it. For a moment, I see her face go slack from surprise, before seething rage and hatred burns on her face. Before I can say anything to defuse the situation, she slams me with her tail, and grabs Clark by the throat with a clawed hand, raising him to look at her. I’m already sparking up, trying to yell for her to stop. Her tail knocked the wind out of me, though, and it’s hard forming words.

I see stone wrapped around her hands, and Clark meets her eyes dead on. I feel my heart skip a beat.

No... she just petrified him.

She... I’ve got to...

Wait.

He’s still struggling. A little, but that’s... how is he not paralysed? Turned to stone? I actually falter in my advance, and see that he’s looking at her with a genuinely placid look in his eyes. Myrna, for her part, looks surprised. He’s not struggling, other than to try removing the pressure from being held by his neck. I can see the vague start to his Spark form, saving him from strangulation.

Then, Myrna throws him with all her might, sending him flying across the park to slam into a tree. He collapses at the bottom, simply getting on all fours and keeping his face down. Myrna begins sliding towards him again, evidently seeking to attack him again. I find my voice once more.

I rush in between the two and hold my sword out, pointed at Myrna. “If you hurt him, I swear to Perseus I will slice your head off, Gorgon!”

“He’s a demon!” Her voice is ragged with emotion and her face is definitely more intimidating when she’s angry, a pair of large fangs sticking out over her bottom lip. I thought she was a constrictor by nature? Either way, she begins trying to go around me.

I move as well so I’m still in front of her. “And I’m trying to fix that! Trust me, I care more about him than I do about you right now, and I doubt you’d blame me for stopping the attacker of my best friend since junior fucking high school, so back off!”

“But- it’s a monster. They aren’t human anymore!” She looks genuinely concerned now.

“Says the monster bitch who’s more animal than he is!”

A look of shock and hurt flash across her face. Her anger appears supplanted by horror at what I’d just said. I open my mouth to continue, when Clark speaks up.

“She isn’t wrong.” His face is still in the dirt, his hand splayed against the ground. I finally recognize the posture. Submission. Acceptance. He’s offering himself to her, without even fighting back.

Well then I’ll fight for him. I look back at Myrna. “Is this who you want to be? Just like these ponies and their fucking princess? Wanting me to kill someone by their appearance and not even think about fixing him? Or are you fine with murdering a sick person who only did what they had to to live without constant fear and pain in a world that wanted them broken?”

Myrna looks at me, her face unreadable. She shakes her head, turns, and slides into the earth, disappearing into the soil below without so much as a ripple. I stand in the park for another few minutes, Sword in hand. I’d- I’d just called her a monster. But... she was attacking my friend.

My brother... he became one of those things. Myrna’s voice echoes in my head.

But that’s different! I can save Clark, I know I can! But nobody wants to give him the chance... so, does that make me a bad guy for siding with my friend... or is it because they see me siding with a demon?

They organize by threat level. The least ‘only’ murder and rape for no reason. I... I was middle-top, before I left.

He’s not a beast... I know he’s not, he’s not that far gone, and... I’d probably regret it if I killed Myrna. Regret it for the rest of my life... but if they force my hand, if I have have to protect him from being attacked to that extreme... will I do it? Would I, for real? I don’t know, trying to think about it makes my head hurt. All this preaching about acceptance and tolerance, and they ostracize and criminalize someone as soon as they seem him... but for good reason. What can I do? I don’t even know if I can get rid of that corruption without killing him!

I turn to look at Clark, ask him for help. But he’s gone. He already left. There’s only a few small holes in the turf where his claw-tips had dug into the soil. I’m alone, again...

Chapter 141

I decide to go look for Clark. By a stroke of luck, he’s by the edge of town, in the field where we practiced, and he’s just sitting at the tree line. Perhaps it would be best if he tried constructing something that resembles a person. I just walk over and sit down next to him, staring into the trees along with him. “I really do think you can get better you know. I don’t think we could get rid of that arm without killing you, but I know that we can make this better. You’re here now, you don’t have to be a monster anymore.”

He doesn’t answer, hunched over. I note that the log he’s sitting on wasn’t there when we last practiced here, and it bears scratches and gouges near where it was apparently either torn or shredded until it came off.

“You make that yourself?” I look at the rough work. “Yeah, probably. Not nearly as good a woodworker as you were with pottery.” I try to get us on a track of a time we both remember, like school, or a summer before all went to Hell.

“Yeah... gave up on pottery because it took too much focus. Too much to do back then.”

“You can start again. I’m not sure, but I think clay is pretty easy to get around here, and aside from the occasional minor disaster, there’s time to do pretty much anything you want.”

“I- I need to get a job. Or go hunting. I can’t live off Twilight forever, after all.”

“Well... Technically you could. I mean, she gets income straight from the princesses, so it’s not like money’s a problem for her. I’ve been doing so for a while. About the last two years that is. She certainly doesn’t seem to mind, and if it’s causing trouble, she isn’t panicking like she normally would.” I think it over. “But I do understand the idea that you want to keep busy, though I’m not sure how well a game hunter would do in happy vegan-land over here. Any meat they need they already have the animals for, so hunting isn’t really a job around here.”

“I meant to eat. I burn a lot of calories each day. And... it helps the arm.” He shifts the limb to his knee, staring down at the yellow eye, which stares back.

“So... what’s up with the eye? Can you see through it, or is it just... demonically weird?”

“I can see through all my eyes.” Hmm... cryptic, but the yellow eye swiveled to look at me when he said that.

“So, when I was waiting for you to wake up, in the hospital... the eye was open. But you didn’t act like you’d seen me before waking up.”

“What, you’ve never heard of keeping a wary eye out? It doesn’t need to blink as often, and I’ll know if someone tries to assassinate me in my sleep. Probably when I wake up with another corpse at my side.”

“Dude, you don’t need to be all dark and stuff. Yeah there are still weirdos, psychos, rapists, the usual stuff. But it’s still safe. You don’t have to be all cryptic or secretive or moody. That kind of action is what will get you labelled as ‘weird’ and locked up or some shit. You can lighten up.”

“Sorry... got into the habit. Knowledge is power, and power helps you survive.” He takes a deep breath, inhaling deeply before exhaling slowly. “So... how about them Redsox?” He turns a shaky grin my way.

I shrug. “Sorry, you know I’ve never been good with soccer stuff.” I say, grinning at the intentional mix-up of the referred sport.

The two of us share a strained chuckle.

A few minutes of silence later, Clark speaks up again. “So, what do you do for entertainment day-to-day around here?”

“Good question. Kinda depends on what’s going on. Usually I have to entertain myself. It’s safe, but kinda boring at times.”

“That... doesn’t answer my question. What video games are there? Do you play board games? What about chess, does that exist here?”

The question of chess brings back images of the Chessboard, in that fucked-up wonderland. I shudder a little.

“Yes, but not the kind you want to play. Ev-er. As for video games... eh, still haven’t gotten to the ‘home-console’ stage yet. They have arcade machines, but as far as I can tell, no actual arcades. I mainly saw Asteroids and the like. No racing games... goddamn I miss Mariokart.”

“I haven’t seen a video game in... two years? Three? Not sure how long it’s been.” He thinks for a second. “Actually, I think I saw one, along with batteries, being sold at auction. I think the buyer traded a half-dozen servants and an arm for it. Terrible deal, there’s no way the batteries still worked.”

“Who’d give up all that anyway? Though I do have some bad news. They don’t like ‘fighting games’ here, so you can give up on ever having Smash Bros. And definitely no Shooters. Heck, they don’t even have guns really.”

“Probably for the best.” Clark says. “Heh, that said, I think they’d like some of the goofier ones. We could probably run through DOOM, if we did the thing where all the blood and stuff is rainbows and flowers.”

“Or Alien Hominid where all the blood is replaced with showers of daisies. It’s okay to bite peoples’ heads off, you’ll just get a bunch of flowers! Violence is Oh-kay!” Clark snickers. “So, the problem is that I don’t think they are that public yet. I mean, the machines were public use. Didn’t even need quarters or anything, but they were only out for Valentine’s day, so it’s kind of a ‘special occasion’ deal as far as I can tell.”

“Hmm... I’ll need to change that. I think a game of Gauntlet with gore turned off would do well, then. It’s just adventuring, after all.”

“Yeah. At least it’s not Final Fantasy where your first fight is to beat the shit out of a bunch of bunny rabbits and squirrels with your bare fists for money.”

“True, true. Hey, just as a question, you said this world’s peaceful, right?”

“Yeah, to the point of being boring at times, but trust me, there’s still violence and psychos. It’s just rare for it to be the populace who are the crazies, though I did come across some asshole who attempted to rape ‘Shy in an alley on Valentine’s day. Gave the asshole a bloody nose, but he got away. Have his name though.”

“Huh... then why do you have a sword on your belt?”

“Because it likes me.” I unsheath the sword and toss it behind me, not even looking at where it goes, then I count. “4, 3, 2, 1... poof.” and at that moment the sword reappears in my hand. “Figure I might as well keep it around if it won’t leave.”

“May I look it over?” Clark extends his left hand, eyes not quite meeting mine.

“Sure, just give it back. It’s... pretty darn important and only kinda mine.” I say, handing the sword over.

He takes the sword gently, with a murmured ‘thank you’, and holds it gingerly in his left hand. After a moment, he swaps it to his right, and gasps slightly, standing a bit straighter.

He slowly stands, and holds the sheathe to his hip, as if it were on his belt. Then, with a fluid motion holding far too much grace for the somewhat clumsy friend I know, he moves, and a golden-bronze blur passes in front of him. I barely see him sheath the Sword, and a small stand of trees slowly topple from the slice taken from them.

“Wow... I’ve never been able to do that before.”

“It’s an artifact of destruction, but it only works if you have a star core. It’s sort of a gift from the constellations. Like, as actual beings.”

“Constellations as beings? Doesn’t sound too weird, given the context.” he quips, before doing another flickering draw-strike-sheath movement, this time cutting the stumps flat at the ground.

“Yeeeeeeah, pretty strong, that sword. I’m not sure if they really need a lumberjack though, and I wouldn’t want to start evicting squirrels for no reason.”

“Don’t worry, those trees had  no other life in them. At least, none that was displaced by removing the trees.”

“Uh... huh. Anyhow, can I have the sword back? I’m kinda supposed to be keeping an eye on it or else I have my star core removed; I’m not sure if that would kill me in the process or not.”

“Ah, right.” Clark hands over the Sword, passing it back without another word. “So... how long has it been since you got here?”

“About two years and apparently five months. Earth was completely normal when I came through. It was 2014. Anne who’s from 2016 describes Earth as being, well, where you were.”

“Huh... only two years? It- it feels like it’s been so much longer.”

“I know, right? Though there might have been some time dilation when I went through that Lookingglass Gate, so it might have been more like a year and six months for me. Not really sure how long I was ‘gone’ according to the ponies, they just said they missed me a ton. I’m... pretty popular with the kids. Oh, that reminds me, we need you to meet the Crusaders.”

Clark turns a worried look to me. “What?!”

“Yeah, I know, weird name for their club. Sweetie Belle and her friends, they named themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders-” I pause half-expecting a loud, distant ‘Yay!’ from somewhere. Shaking the thought away, I continue. “Anyway, they are just doing crazy stuff to earn their Cutie Marks, which are basically tattoos on their butts that tell you what you’re good at. No clue why they chose ‘Crusaders’ as a name though, really effed up, especially for kids.”

Clark’s breathing returns to normal. “So... not actual crusaders?”

“Pffft, hell no. Those kids are fucking dangerous but none of it is intended. No religious connection, no real goal other than finding their purpose in life. I’m a member because I’m kind of their babysitter, shooting down the really stupid, dangerous ideas.”

“Such as?”

“They wanted to earn their Cutie Marks as millionaires by building trebuchets and launching other kids as a business. This was an idea that sprouted from wanting to use said trebuchet to launch themselves into the sky. Without helmets or parachutes.”

“And... you want to introduce us... why?”

“Hey, if you want to stop them from pelting the entire town with produce or setting something on fire, the best way is to be involved and know in advance, right?”

“I- I suppose... Uhm, when should I be meeting them, then?”

“Well, you did agree to come by and see them when you chatted with Sweetie, but she didn’t really specify a date or time. I figure any time you want, but sooner is better. They really are nice kids though. I guess I’ll get my shirt... I’ll explain later, just make your way to Sweet Apple Acres and I’ll meet you halfway. Their clubhouse is in the orchard.”

“Ah, isn’t that Ms. Applejack’s property?”

“Yeah, Applebloom is, from what I can gather, the one who came up with the idea of the group, and she’s AJ’s sister so... yeah. It’s a little hard to find, but you might as well start on your way there, now, and I’ll redirect you if need be when I catch up.”

“Alright, if you’re sure.” Clark start walking off, and I get ready to head off to the library and change.

Chapter 142

I’ve got my Crusading shirt on, the CMC emblem sewed onto the front like an advertisement logo, and head off for the Acres. I just hope Clark doesn’t run into AJ. I don’t know why he rubs her the wrong way, but I’d hate for her to become a problem. Ah well, the clubhouse is pretty far away from the main orchard, so it’s unlikely they’d meet.

As expected, I meet Clark, who looks at my change of attire with a bit of confusion. “You’ll see what it means in a sec.”

Just before we get to the orchards, I lead him down the barely-visible trail towards the clubhouse. When we get to the little clearing, I step up to the door and knock.

We’re greeted by a trio of fillies, only Scootaloo being absent. Applebloom tells me that she’ll be there soon, with snacks. After Clark and I squeeze into the clubhouse, Clark gets to curl up in the corner, too tall to simply sit up straight. Noi comes over, and sits next to him, which seems to make him distinctly uncomfortable.

I pick up a filly of my own, Sweetie being the closest and I start petting her, and she starts making adorable murmuring noises. “So, I guess when Scoots gets here, we can all get proper introductions out of the way and you can all meet Clark properly.”

Sure enough, the little orange daredevil shows up, dragging in a sack of various snacks by her teeth. Pastries, most of them looking a touch stale, chips, also less than fresh, and several large canteen-style water bottles, presumably filled with water.

“Hey guys, I got all of this on a super-cheap discount from Pinkie. They’re leftovers from her party last night, but it’s the most I could get for our bits.” She smiles around, until she spies me petting Sweetie. She starts going Scootakoosh again, but looks a bit annoyed by something.

“So, I guess now that everyone is here, we can start. Everyone, this is my best friend, Clark. He arrived not long ago as you are all aware, and I figured you should all meet him.”

The four all chorus ‘hello’ at him, and he smiles awkwardly. Noi continues to try snuggling with the side of his leg, as he’s so big she’s only the size of his thigh. Applebloom has taken over my side, leaving Scootaloo looking indecisive in the middle of the room.

“So I guess we begin introductions. Though I guess you could explain the idea of the Crusaders to him, first.”

With a deep breath, the four launch into an explanation of their goal, plans, and strategy. Clark, for his part, looks a combination of amused, relieved, and still rather uncomfortable.

“...and that’s our mission!” Applebloom finishes. “Ooh, now we have to think up some new ideas!”

I chuckle. “Sure, but just remember, we don’t want to do anything too dangerous. Or messy. The last time you all got covered in tree sap, I couldn’t pull any of you away from the others!”

Scootaloo rolls her eyes. “How were we supposed to know making maple syrup could get so sticky? Besides, we didn’t mean to fall in.”

“Maple syrup is extremely sticky, even from the beginning. It’s full of sugar and water, which forms a syrup when dried.” Clark says, barely getting Sweetie’s attention. Scoots is too busy continuing her ‘why it’s not our fault’ speech.

“Alright, alright, we’ve all made or points. Now, aside from the fact that Clark and I are human and therefore will never get a Cutie Mark no matter what, what are we gonna do today?”

“Well...” Applebloom says, “Big Sis was bein’ kinda mean to ya, mister Clark. maybe we could play some games, so we don’t get in Sis’s way? She was really rantin’ at Big Mac last night.”

I shrug. “Dunno what got into her, either. No idea why she doesn’t like him.” Actually, it’s probably got to do with the arm, but Applejack didn’t call attention to it, and I don’t want to bring up the idea of demonic corruption around kids. “What kinda games do you have?” I reach for a stale-ish cupcake and bit into it. It’s not that old. Still fluffy.

“Well, we’ve got Battleclouds, Risky, even Panopoly!” Clark and I are perfectly synchronized as we face palm in response to the names.

“What? They’re good games!” Noi says, looking indignant. It’s monumentally adorable.

I roll my eyes. “I’m sure they are. Anyhow, got anything like, say, Yahtzee?”

“Uhm... no? I’ve never heard of it before.”

I turn to Clark. “You wanna explain it, or should I?”

“You explain it, I’ve never played much Yahtzee. Also, I just realized... all my dice are gone.”

“Heh, fine.” I begin explaining the dice-centric game of chance and decisions. “I can’t remember how many points you get for some of them though. It has been quite a while. Anyway, it basically goes around until you’ve filled in all the spaces on your scoresheet, then add up your total. The winner is the one with the highest score.”

“So... where are we gonna get dice?” Scootaloo asks. “I mean, we’re not really a unicorn town.”

I stop and stare at her. “Don’t tell me you can’t just go into a game shop and buy them? What’s so special about dice? They’re pretty much cubed rocks with markings on the sides, they can’t be that expensive!”

“No, but they’re super-hard to roll. Not many places without unicorns have ‘em.”

“You can hold a cup, right?”

Scootaloo looks a bit embarrassed. “I’m not so coordinated with my hooves.”

“Well, it’s not that hard. You don’t need magic. Just put the dice in a cup, shake the cup around, and dump the dice out. No magic needed.”

“Oh... well, still, where are we going to get some dice?”

I think for a minute. “I may have an idea.” I summon some coal out of my pouch and form five small cubes. The problem is that I can make the indents, but they aren’t visible. I need some sort of coloring agent or something to mix into the coal. Looking around, I spy some crayons. Perfect, I can just shave the ends off the crayons.

Now, with the colored dots showing up, I put the dice down on the floor of the clubhouse. “And there you go, dice.”

We try the game, the chances leaning towards nobody in particular. Clark is intent on the game, and the little ponies are engrossed in trying to beat him.

I’m not sure if I made the score sheets correctly, but the ones I drew up all look the same, so the possible points are all equal at least. After quite a few games, the score sheets are all filled up except for one slot and it comes down to a tiebreaker for ‘highest score’ between Clark and Scootaloo, both of them beating the rest of us on the last game with 309 points each.

The two end up in a fight-to-the-death of a game, dicing back and forth so hard one of the dice breaks, forcing me to fix it.

Eventually, in a pretty much, coin-toss end, Clark beats Scootaloo by about five points. Scootaloo looks pretty upset. “And that’s why you don’t gamble. You always could win, but you aren’t guaranteed to. There’s nothing to the game but luck and math.”

“Actually, this game is an example why you don’t play dice games with me. It’s all in the wrist to get more than half the dice on the numbers I want.” We all look at Clark, flabbergasted.

I sigh. “Come on man, you can’t fix dice. It doesn’t work like that unless you had mental control of the dice. Granted I do, but clearly I didn’t win a single game, so I couldn’t have been cheating or I’d have trounced you all.”

Clark picks up the dice, says “Three sixes” and rolls three sixes, a four, and a five. “Can’t do it without the cup, though.”

“Th- that’s the second to best ‘Three-of-a-Kind’ possible! You can’t just... call them out and make it happen!” I turn to the girls. “So... does it count as cheating if we can’t tell how he does it?”

“Again, it’s all in the wrists. Watch, three twos, and a five.” He shakes the cup and rolls two sixes, a five, and a pair of twos. “Drat, need to keep it under half.” He gathers up the dice again.

“I think he’s bluffing.”

“I think he’s psychic-y.”

“I think he’s cheating.”

“I think he’s insane.”  Everyone turns to look at me funny. “What?”

“Five sixes!” Clark tosses the dice, and sure enough they come all sixes. “Ha! I got two weeks of bodyguards with this trick once.”

“Bodyguards? But you’re so big! Why would you need bodyguards?” Noi asks, looking up at Clark.

“Because no matter how big you are, everyone tires eventually. And besides, it meant I could do what I wanted for two weeks with a lot fewer challenges for my position.”

“So... uh, Clark, why don’t you... go tour the town?”

“Actually, I’ve already been shown around most of the town. Miss Sparkle has been very kind to me.” The four crusaders look to one another with looks of consternation not-so-well-masked on their faces.

“Well, how ‘bout ya check out tha pond? We’ll keep an eye on Anthony, so ya know he don’t get inta any trouble.”  Applebloom smiles sweetly at him, and he looks blandly down at her. He rolls his eyes.

“Hey!” I shout. “I resemble that remark!”

“No, no, it’s fine. I guess I’ll see you back at the library, then.” He crawls out the door, and begins to gloomily make his way out of the orchard.

Unfortunately, this happens to be terrible timing, and Applejack is just walking onto the small hill the tree-clubhouse grows from. Immediately, Applejack begins laying into Clark verbally, including a few threats.

I get up to leave. “I’ll be right back. This won’t take long, hopefully.” I crawl out of the clubhouse and approach my two friends, one of which is acting very unfriendly. “So, what seems to be the problem?”

“Ah told him to stay offa mah property!” AJ says with a strong vehemence. It’s truly weird, coming from the farm mare, I’ve never seen her act like this towards anything, and she actually swears at weeds.

I decide to correct a few things. “First of all, unless she had an accident or something, I’m sure Granny Smith is still alive, meaning she owns this property, not you. Secondly, he was here on invitation from your sister, the other Crusaders, and me.”

“Ah don’t care about yer fancy wordin’. Granny trusts me to run this farm, and ah say ah don’t want any of his kind here! Iff’n yer gonna be a problem, then y’all can take a hike, too!” AJ is huffing furiously, her snorts stirring the dead leaves on the ground.

“Let me get something straight. You don’t trust my judgment of his character, and apparently, you don’t trust the judgment of a family member. If you don’t trust friends or family, who do you trust Applejack?”

“Ah- Ah trust mahself! He’s decievin’ you, an’ ah know it!” It catches me, after a moment. She thinks he’s a liar. And she’s the Element of Honesty.

I lean down so I’m eye to eye with Applejack. “My mother said the same thing about him countless times. And she was proven wrong every. Single. Time. I love my mom, but when she insulted my friends integrity, I couldn’t care less. Now, you’re not my mom, so I’d have no problems tanning your hide if you don’t quit your prejudiced bullshit.”

Applejack holds my gaze for what feels like forever. Eventually, though, she relents, and turns away. “Fine. But he turns on ya, ya won’t hear me say ‘Ah told ya so’.” Applejack stomps back into her orchard, leaving Clark and I behind.

I sigh and turn to Clark. “A trip to the pond isn’t gonna fix this. Here’s something better.” I hand him a few bits. “Get to town, and get some directions to the Frothy Mug, tell Berry I suggested you see her about a drink.”

With that, I head back to the clubhouse for the ‘special meeting’ with the Crusaders. I get back in, and the four of them look really upset, four pairs of watery eyes turned on me together.

“So, is the secret meeting off then? Or postponed?”

The four of them just crowd around me, giving me a snuggly-warm group hug. Four little fillies cry on me, soaking my t-shirt more or less instantly.

But what was it? Was it Applejack’s threats? My threats? Or the fact that we were arguing? I’m not gonna learn anything by staying silent. “So what’s the matter? Was it something I said?”

“F-friends shouldn’t fight!” Noi says, face buried in my arm. Sweetie nods along.

“Why is big sis bein’ so mean t’ him?” Applebloom asks.

I sigh and shake my head. “I wish I knew. But there’s something you should know about friendship. Sometimes, friends do fight. At one point or another, a mean thing will be said and, though they may mean to be hurtful at the time, and you will argue, you will still be friends. It’s a natural thing for friends to fight or disagree. Applejack just seems to think Clark is a bad man, and I’m trying to get through to her, but she’s making it difficult.”

“But... he seems so nice.” Sweetie says.

“Yeah, and his arm looks so cool! It has a cool-looking eye on it, too.” Scoots pipes in.

I nod. “And Applejack doesn’t see it that way. Applejack thinks he’s not nice for some reason. I suppose our meeting about him doesn’t have anything to do with Applejack hating him, though. Should we get to it now, later, or another day?”

“Uhm, well, I was wanting to make him a Cutie-Mark Crusader, too. I think it’d make him smile.” Noi’s voice is quiet, strained.

“I’m sure it would, and I see no reason for him not to join, except that Applejack is banning him from the area, even though technically she has no say in the matter. If we’re going by laws the way I know them, only Granny Smith can do that.”

“Uhm, ah don’t know. Granny is real old... but Applejack makes most a’the decisions ‘round here. ‘Cept the ones ‘bout the budget. Big Mac handles budget stuff.”

I think this over. “So what if, at some point, we got Clark to meet Granny Smith? If she’s fine with him, then I guess Applejack doesn’t really have much say on the matter of him being banned, now does she? Even if she is in charge, you can’t really fight the titled land owner on who’s banned or not, right?”

“Idunno ‘bout any of that. Granny doesn’t do much, ‘sides be real wise and stuff.” The fillies seem to have been calmed by my judicious application of scritchings. Scootaloo has claimed my lap, alongside Noi, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle tucked next to my sides.

“I just want to know why Applejack doesn’t like him. I mean, he’s been called a liar before and been proven to not have been lying. I hate to say it, but I think AJ just hates him for no reason.”

“But- that’s not fair!” Applebloom and Sweetie both cry out at the same time. I’m glad someone’s on my side on this.

I give a heavy sigh and just explain something that I suppose has to be taught sooner rather than later. “Life isn’t fair. Lots of things will seem unfair, but you just can’t do anything about it. It’s the way life is.”

“But...” Applebloom’s face scrunches up, and she lays her head down on her little hooves. She must really look up to her sister. “But why?” she whispers, more to herself than to me, but I hear it anyways.

“Well, I can’t seem to get her to tell me. Why don’t you ask her?” Granted, the mare didn’t even try to argue when I said she didn’t trust her own family... does she not really, or... That mare is just one big mystery to me.

Sighing once more, I settle in to comfort the fillies for a while longer, Scootaloo poofy and warm on my lap with a noticeably less-poofy Noi.

Clark, my friend. What am I going to do with you?

Chapter 143

I might as well leave the CMC to their problem solving. I know that Clark isn’t really much of a drinker, hardly touching alcohol even when offered for free. Probably left once he figured out the ‘Frothy Mug’ was a bar, but I figure I’d go check there first anyway. Might have stopped to chat with some of the locals. I know for a fact that, out of all the places in Ponyville, that bar is the place where what you look like is the last thing on anyone’s mind.

I make my way to the Mug and find that there’s a sizable crowd of ponies blocking easy access into the building. At first, I’m afraid it’s a mob, and go intangible to pass through them. But then, I get inside the building itself, and see that there’s a stack of broken tables, and Clark is arm-wrestling a griffon, with a large number of cheering ponies all around. After a moment, I recognize the griffon as the chef, Maestro.

Needless to say, with that arm, Clark wins pretty easily, and it ends up breaking the table with the impact, explaining the debris. I walk up to the pair. “Heh, you think his strength is impressive, you should see him eat. The guy’s a vacuum cleaner hooked up to an empty void.” Nopony seems to get the analogy, but a few cheer anyways, and then the rest cheer as well.

Stoic moves another table into place, and Clark receives a large mug of some sort of brew, which he downs. The next challenger arrives, and it’s a potential loss for Clark. Big Mac sits down at the table, with nary a word, and sets his hoof in the starting position.

Oh man, this is gonna be good.

Clark takes the proffered hoof, and the judge calls the round, and the two begin to strain. I can see the two of them stare into each other’s eyes with a driving intensity, and I can feel the tension, like an electric charge, building in the air, a noticeably different feeling than when I’m actually sending electricity into the air though.

After almost thirty seconds of holding the pose dead-center on the table, there’s a splintering cracking noise, and the table simply falls apart, Clark and Big Mac not moving in the slightest as the table just goes out from under them. Big Mac looks like he always does, minus a slight knitting of the brows and narrowing of the eyes. He switches the side he’s chewing his wheat stalk with.

Clark looks like he’s determined to win, and I can see a sheen of sweat all across his face. His demonic arm is wavering only the slightest amount, and even then, it might be an average of the two participant’s blood pulsing.

Shit, I think one of them might explode before pushing the others’ arm down.

Finally, The two seem to come to some sort of unspoken agreement, and nod in unison. Slowly, they retract their respective limbs, shaking and stretching the abused limbs to give them some bloodflow back.

Clark turns to Stoic, and says, “It’s a draw, we buy each other drinks.” The bartender nods.

They each make their selection and the other pays for it. At least they’re sporting. Settling in at an intact table, I look at Clark’s pile of empty mugs, and consider it confirmation that nothing short of magical intoxication is going to work on me. I grin, and proceed to challenge someone to a drinking contest. Whoever loses has to pay for the drinks, and shell out fifty bits to the winner.

If I screw this up, I will be in debt for the next year or so... I think. Depends on how much we drink. Alright powers, show me what you got.

The first challenger is a yellow stallion with a brown mane and horseshoes for a cutie-mark. I recognize him as the spoon-maker dude from a while back. Ought to be interesting.

The first few rounds go well, until he finally has to bow out and puke into a bucket after his... twenty-fifth? Twenty-sixth? Somewhere in that range of drinks. The next pony to try get a little further, and the one after that doesn’t get even close. I’m feeling pretty good, until Clark sits down opposite me, and grins.

“Bartender, I’d like for this to be a special variant. Since we’ve both drunk our weight or more in alcoholic beverages this evening, I’d like to up the ante. Do you have any magical brews, with more potent effects?” Clark’s grin widens into a victorious leer as Stoic nods, and reaches for some bottles with fancier caps than the rest.

Crap, he’s going for the actual booze in this competition. Oh well, I’m not backing out.

“Come on man. Are you sure you wanna try this? For all you know, you’ll be on the ground in two drinks. This is gonna be strong stuff.”

“Oh, trust me. I can hold my liquor. Surviving on rotgut will do that to you.” He smugs at me. I’m not sure if ‘smug’ was an actual verb previously, but it is now.

That gets me to quirk an eyebrow. “This isn’t rotgut. This is actual magic booze. Nothing like it on earth I assure you.”

“Then let’s see who can hold it better.” He reaches for his first drink, and we clink our glasses together respectfully, then down our drinks.

Oh... oh sweet everything, I didn’t know magic hangovers could make you feel like your head is being literally cracked open and fried on a skillet. Although I don’t even remember being drunk! I just... I kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking, and then... my memory hits a black spot and I shrug it off. Oh well. I’m pretty sure I won though. “Alright buddy...” I turn to Clark. “You lose, pay up...”

“Oog... stop talking so loud.” Clark says in a whisper. The noise makes my head pound. Blinking, I realize we’re on the floor of the library, with a blanket on each of us, and a large glass of water with a note nearby each of us.

I down the glass of water without a second thought, then it takes me a minute to focus on the letters on the note.

I look over it and it’s a bunch of squiggles. I look back and try again. Eventually, an eternity of staring at the letter, the squiggles start to look like letters. It’s a note from Twilight, saying something about the gala happening soon. I put the note down and sit up, trying to regain my bearings. Still pretty sure I won though.

The contest outcome aside, Clark and I spend most of the morning letting the super-hangover whittle away to nothing, and relax.

Clark has started reading again, this time going through the Daring Do books, but he’s got a bunch of other books open at the same time. Probably so he doesn’t get bored while reading the childish tripe.

I check the note Twi left for Clark and see that it’s basically an offer from Fluttershy to stay with her while Twilight and I were at the gala.  Well, I guess he would benefit from staying here in Ponyville while I’m away. He should check the place out. It should be fine as long as he doesn’t run into Applejack or Myrna.

I figure I should head back to the Mug and see what went down after the contest ended. I get there and see that all the broken tables had been cleaned away, though they hadn’t been replaced. I sit down at the bar and turn to Berry. “So, I can’t remember a darn thing. What happened after I won? I didn’t do anything stupid did I?”

Berry bursts into laughter. “You didn’t win, Anthony. You made a good showing, though. You and your friend both passed out sitting up, staring at each other. Gave us a fright; we’d thought you died on us, until you began snoring.”

“Oh come on, really? I coulda sworn I’d win that! I mean, heck, I drank more than he did total last night, didn’t I?”

“Actually, he’d been going for a while before you showed up. He set up a pretty good game, too, that I think’s gonna come back. Each hoof wrestle, the winner drinks whatever the loser buys, but the loser can’t rechallenge until at least five others go.”

“Sounds interesting... but I still out-drank some other ponies before I tied with Clark. Come on, I totally could’a won!”

“Well, given that the rules you made said that each contest was per challenge... well, you still won a bunch. I had my youngest keeping the tally. You’re each six bits in debt.”

“Really? Wow, I figured I’d be broke for a year trying to pay you back. That’s a relief.”

“Well, you both won a lot. Actually, Clark won more than you did.” I do a double-take. “But he has to pay for all the tables he broke, so he’s right at the same point you are. Don’t worry, I won’t send Stoic to come break your knees or anything if you don’t pay, just keep it in mind that you can’t get drinks ‘till you pay your tab.”

“Right, Gotcha. Uh, hold on a sec.” I fish out the last of my money, just two bits left. “Oh well, owing four now is better than owing six later, I guess.” I put the coins on the table and make my leave. I need a quick way to earn some bits... Something I could do well enough to charge for...

I walk outside and see Clark be half-dragged, half-pulled by the CMC, who are all laughing and smiling like crazy. Farewell brother. I will be sure your funeral will not be a disgrace to your honor and glory.

I shoot him an apologetic look, and he only has time to give me a pitiful look before being yanked around a corner. I warned him... Oh well.

Now, get rich quick schemes... What can I do to earn a ton of money super quick? My eyes track down to the Lyre, attached to my belt. I grin. I could play music for anyone who wants to hear me play, but I could charge them! That could get me rich in no time!

Now how about a theme? I know a ton of songs, but I want them to be relatively similar without being the same... I’ll also need a name for the concert, and a list of songs I could play. This is difficult.

I head back to the library and sit down at the table with a notepad. After a long while, I can’t come up with anything. There’s that stupid annoying voice in the back of my mind keeping me from focusing, but it’s not telling me what I should be doing.

After a long while of pondering, I decide I should go talk with Myrna, get all this straightened out. I try to leave my sword here to prove I’m trying to be peaceful, but it just reappears sheathed at my belt as usual.

Sighing, I walk over to the park and, finding Myrna once again lazing about in the trees, call her down. “Hey Myrna. We need to talk.” I sit down on the nearby bench and wait for her to join me.

She coils up next to the bench and, after a while of silence from both of us, she speaks first.

“So... do you still wanna kill me?” I can’t really tell if she’s angry or sad or anything, to be honest. It’s just a straight question.

“No, and I probably never will. I just... he’s my friend. He means so much to me because, I thought he was gone, and I have him back after thinking he was dead all this time. And... now a bunch of you want me to off him just because he looks corrupted. I feel like he’s already been through hell, literally, and all these threats against him... I don’t want to.You understand, don’t you? I’m not defending a demon, I’m defending the closest person I have to my family.”

Myrna sighs. “I- I understand. I do. Just... my brother turned to them. He never got better, he never turned away. I just don’t think it’s so easy to just ‘stop being a demon’. I just... There’s no way I can trust him right now. Maybe if he doesn’t do anything for a year, or two, or whatever, I might, but I just don’t feel safe around him.” She shudders and slumps, holding her tail like a stuffed animal.

“Well, then I guess that’s that. But he’s not your brother. I know it’ll be hard, but I think we can fix Clark. He doesn’t need to be a demon anymore, so there’s a chance. He’s not insane, he’s not a monster, he’s just corrupt. But...” I turn and, making eye contact with her finally, I continue. “He is a symbol of my old life, who I used to be, what life used to be. I’m sorry, but if you really can’t get along with him... then it’s over.” I turn my head back to face the ground at my feet. “The end.”

Chapter 144

I haven’t talked to Myrna since that chat, two days ago, but I’ve got more on my mind now. I’ve got precisely six hours to get to the Gala, and we’re apparently taking a carriage, because Twilight’s been decreed to arrive in style, and can’t weasel out of it.

I figured it is a fancy party, so I got an untorn, bloodless copy of that suit Rarity made for me, and I do look a bit more presentable than I would if I was just wearing a sleeveless T-shirt and pants.

With me, a blue mare with the hourglass cutie-mark, Caramel that-spoon-making-guy, some blue stallion with a safety pin cutie-mark, and a rather unhappy-looking Rarity in the carriage with Twilight, we’re ready to send off. Rarity is constantly adjusting things on me, and saying that ‘it won’t hurt too much’ and the like, along with a muttered ‘I hope he doesn’t show up...’ under her breath.

As we get closer to Canterlot, I see greater and greater numbers of ponies in rather fancy suits and dresses and the like. A huge majority of them certainly look rather... ‘upper class’. I can already tell that this party will be in desperate need of real entertainment, if my assumptions of what these nobles would find ‘enjoyable’ are correct.

Oh well, I can quickly fix that. I’ve never quite mixed well with these sorts, so I should be ‘unruly’ and ‘uncultured’ enough to make their night rather memorable. I grin to myself as I think on what to do first...

I’m shocked out of my thoughts when Rarity tries to button up the top button of my jacket or whatever it’s called and cut off my airway. She realizes her mistake and unbuttons it once I start coughing and I give her the evil eye all the way until we get to the castle.

We are ushered in, but instead of being allowed to just go mingle, we’re stuck in a line to meet the princesses, each noble and their guest or significant other taking the time to shake Celestia’s hoof, though it looks as though Luna wants to gets hoof-shakes, too. The nobles don’t seem to be snubbing her, so much as completely overlooking the smaller alicorn. To my surprise, she’s got the shiny, slightly occluded crescent-moon diamond on her neck, tied in place by a simple string of some kind.

We arrive at the head of the line, and Celestia looks me in the eye. “I expect you to be on your best behavior, Anthony.”

I wink. “Of course. Though it’s likely your idea of what my best behaviour is might conflict with reality. Heya Luna.”

Luna looks at me, a smile brightening her face. “Well met, Anthony. I shall be keeping my eye upon you for the night. Every time you come to Canterlot, something interesting happens. I look forward to seeing what you bring to this... delightful occasion.”

I briefly turn to look at the crowd of stuck-ups behind me. “I’m sure you are, princess, I’m sure you are.” With that, I make my way into the castle and towards the foyer I’m used to, and sure enough, it’s packed with all manner of the upper-class, talking and bragging about one thing or another. Yeup, this will be one boring evening for sure. After a few turns, I wind up in a sort of party-hall area with a big gold statue of a pony and a little stage for the musical entertainment.

A few of the nobles seem to be taking an interest in me, and one smiles and begins talking at me. And I wish that phrasing was a mistake, because he’s not really talking like he expects me to understand, just blithely agree with him.

I get up to walk off, and at his questioning what I’m doing, clearly somewhat insulted at me just walking away while he’s talking I simply respond. “Oh, I thought you were talking to the wall behind me. I’d hate to block your view of your conversation partner.” I smile and walk over to a table with some food.

And of course not only is it free of meat, but the portions are absolutely microscopic. Why is it that ‘fancy’ and ‘tiny proportions’ seem to mean the same when talking of food? I turn to a mare who grabs one of the little things. “You know, if this is all you guys eat, I’d expect you to die of malnutrition in two days.”

“Why, I never!”

I lean my arm on the table. “Really? Maybe you should try sometime.” She sticks her muzzle in the air and starts to walk away into the crowd, holding a single hors d'oeuvre in her magical aura.

Chuckling to myself, I make my way down the ‘buffet’ line, eating five or six ‘portions’ per dish. When I’m nearing the end of the table, I run into a rather nice-seeming stallion with a beret on. He’s carefully looking over the portions on the table with a disappointed air about him, and he idly takes a single lettuce leaf to chew on, rolling with tongue alone to form a tube of green. I note that he does have a horn, and a perfectly normal one, too, he’s just not using it.

“Huh. And here all along, I thought you guys had to use your horns for everything or you were all a bunch of pathetic, dependent crippled whiners.”

“Hmm? Oh, I’m only a type one. Couldn’t levitate things until I was a teen. Never got into the habit, but I’m rubbish with magic.” He has a vaguely british accent, interesting. Only the very slightest hints, but it’s there. Or maybe I’m projecting, based on the word he used, not sure.

“Heh, well there’s worse things to suck at. One thing’s for sure, you can always get a job as a hat rack if you need to.”

The stallion raises an eyebrow at me. “You know, I’ve been made fun of my entire life, I suppose you think you can get under my skin, too?”

“Clearly, I’d have to work harder on you than the rest of these ritzy bores. I kinda like you, what’s your handle?”

“Sir Lord High Baron of Mulberry. The town, not the celebrity writer. Though, you can just call me Baron, as calling me ‘High’ might get confusing.”

“No, but it’d be accurate if this party had anything more... recreational. That’d be pretty funny. Everyone around here, totally unable to hold onto a coherent thought for a full conversation...”

“You apparently haven’t paid much attention. You’ve described them as they already are. Well, at least how they portray themselves. Half actually are airheads, and the rest play the fool to weed out competitors. I sincerely wish I didn’t have to attend this dreadful travesty of a ball...”

“Well, why come? Sell your ticket to a guy for a couple of bits and see what happens.”

“No, no, can’t lose face by not showing up. I’d rather not have to worry more failing to wake up in the morning. No, I’ll just survive another night here, and look dourfully to the future. Oh dear, I’m being flagged down. I wish you well, you’ve been a better conversationalist than I’ll likely see all night. Farewell.” High Baron wanders into the crowd, looking generally sad and disappointed. I wish I had a way to cheer him up, he at least seems to have a real personality.

Hmm... Maybe some music...

‘this dreadful travesty of a ball’

‘travesty of a ball’

‘ball’

Now there’s an idea. I look over to where tonight’s musical entertainment is and. Well damn, I see Octavia up there with a few other musicians. Maybe I can chat her up after she’s done, see if I can get a song of my own into the heads of these idiots.

After a while of rather slow, not very stimulating music, though still very well-played, I head over to the grey mare once she puts her bow down. “Heya Tavi. How ya been?”

“Ah, Anthony. It’s good to see you again. I have been... well. There’s not much recently that’s been particularly inspiring for my music, but that’s alright, I suppose.”

“Well, I was thinking I might introduce to these... ‘wonderful attendees’ to some of my music.”

At Octavia’s cautious glance. I roll my eyes. “Don’t worry, what I have planned is completely appropriate and in no way vulgar or impolite, I assure you.”

After pondering it for a moment, she turns to the other musicians and chats with them. The pianist, who seems to be the one in charge, comes over. Looking me up and down, then seeing the Lyre when I hold it up to him, he nods. “One song, that’s it.”

I smile lightly. “One song is all I need, my good man.”

I get up on the little podium and, with a fire/electric finger snap, draw everyone’s attention to me with a bright flash. Once everyone realizes where they should be looking, I address them. “Good evening everyone. I would like to offer you all a taste of classic music from where I hail from. But first, a question. Do any of you enjoy ballroom dancing?”

Obviously, given them being of high society, they all say they do, because clearly not liking such a fancy past time would be shameful to one of a high position. I continue. “Lovely, then I am sure you will enjoy this quite well.”

With that, I begin.

It’s a titanic struggle to avoid just bursting into laughter at their shocked, horrified looks on their faces. I can see Celestia and Luna bobbing with the tune, though Twilight looks too surprised to react yet. Octavia is covering her mouth, trying not to show an obvious naughty grin. I think the best part, is when Celestia and Luna, in the grips of the Harmony magic, begin yelling out the ‘chorus’ parts, where the backups help the music.

Once the song ends, there’s a stunned silence, only broken when the princesses and Twilight begin to politely stomp their hooves.

I look around at the sea of peeved faces, smiling broadly.

A stallion in the middle yells out, “Kick ‘im out!”

A chorus of agreements follow, and I’m swept from the ballroom by a tidal wave of angry fancy-folks. I feel myself get a temporary reprieve from gravity as I’m hurled by the strength of eight or nine unicorns, until I land near the entrance to the hedge maze and statuary garden. I sit up and rub the spot where my hip hit the ground first, and watch as the ponies file back into the ballroom, determined to go back to a boring evening.

“Fine, you filthy-minded philistines! It was about ballroom dancing! Get your minds out of the collective gutter!” Hmph, some people.

Sighing, I stand up and start towards the statuary garden. At least I can wander around, have a look at what’s here. Maybe there’s a few of those ‘memorial stones’ for Celestia or Luna or Twilight. I don’t know if that would make me feel better, but it’d at least be something.

I’m walking along and I almost run into a rather odd-shaped one. I look up and karma hits me in the face harder than a super-sized steamroller. I left Discord here! How long’s it been!? Oh shit, oh shit!

I immediately get to work of breaking the statue, the laugh I heard the last time nowhere to be found. He just looks at me, annoyed.

“I am sooooo sorry! I swear I didn’t mean to forget! I know I said three months but...”

“It’s been three months, ten weeks, seven hours and... twenty-five minutes now.” He crosses his miss-matched arms.

I look up at him. “Guilt-tripping jerk. Come on, I said I was sorry!”

He looks at me with pursed lips. “I think you should make it up to me.”

I grin. “And I shall. I’m sure you’re aware that the Grand Galloping Gala is going on at the moment?”

“Of course I do, it’s the most orderly thing in this entire city. I noticed you had your invitation... revoked.” He sniffs. “I suppose you tried livening it up?”

“Yeah, but they have no sense of humor, and are way to easily offended. But what I really need is someone who can give me a boost. What do you say? Wanna have some fun with these windbags?”

“Hmm... I suppose if I was feeling vindictive, I’d simply seal you in there with them... but I’m feeling bored, so let’s go with your plan for now.”

I grin evilly. “Excellent... let’s have some fun!”

I walk back inside, grinning. “I’m baaaaaaaa-aaaaaack!”

Everyone turns to me angrily and proceeds to try to throw me out once more, but I hold up my hand. “Now, I all understand that you want me gone, but I just have one thing to say.”

When I am allowed my one thing to say I inhale deeply, and yell out my little message.

“Raining ducks!!”

Everyone looks utterly confused, but then a downpour of feathers and beaks cascades from the ceiling, the quacking is deafening and all the ponies flip out trying to avoid the growing sea of waterfowl.

“Wobbly floor!”

And then all the ducks are gone in an instant and the ground starts shifting up and down, curves and depressions randomly appearing and flinging everything not nailed down into the air, the ponies completely unable to get their bearings. I notice a few of them have started throwing up. Surprising how much there is given how little they eat. That’s an idea!

I make my final command. “Fooooooood fiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!”

My decree made, various kinds of foods ranging from vegetables to desserts fly across the room at high speeds. Nobody’s throwing it, the food is just flinging itself around as it appears. In seconds, everything and everyone is absolutely covered in meats, dairy, pastries, various liquids and all manner of condiments.

All the ponies are screaming about the entire ordeal and are slipping with every step, unable to move around and nobody is distinguishable from one another. Not a single thing in the entire area isn’t covered in syrup, noodles, sloppy joe mix, or... whatever that blue stuff is. Eventually the guests all make their way out the doors, some opting to leap through the nearest window.

Laughing my head off, I actually join in and start throwing food at whoever I see, just adding to the mess. After a while, my arms are tired from throwing, my sides hurt from laughing, and the room is empty except for me, Twilight, and the Princesses.

Grabbing a strip of bacon and taking a bite, I walk up to the mares still in attendance, each of them covered in masses of some variety of so many things I can’t begin to name them. Discord appears beside me in a flash of light and, snapping his fingers, cleans the area completely and resets everything.

The area looks like it was still waiting for the first guests to arrive. Discord and I are still having our little giggle fit as Celestia walks up to us. “And that’s your best behavior?”

I look at Discord. He grins and I am holding a bowl of yellow pudding, which I toss at Celestia, but she ducks, and it ends up hitting Twilight in the face. Celestia looks at me, rather peeved as she uses her magic to clean off her student. “Did you really have to release Discord?”

“His time was overdue, and besides, it seems the party’s over anyway. Problem?”

Celestia thinks for a moment before sighing. “No, I guess not, though you did go a little far.”

I look at the clean, totally spotless room and turn to the spirit at my side. “I don’t see anything out of the ordinary Discord, do you?”

“Perhaps she wants us to change that?” He asks innocently.

“No!” Twilight yells from the back, still at Luna’s side.

“Oh come on Twilight, you were complaining about wanting the gala to be over as soon as possible. Looks pretty over to me and it only took a few hours!”

“But... but you freed Discord!”

“Like we were supposed to. Yeah I forgot, but something still irks me. How did you forget, Twilight? I’d have figured you’d put it on a calendar and count down the days.”

Twilight looks rather embarrassed and looks everywhere but right at me or Discord. “Well... I uh... Might have forgotten to tell you...”

I look to Discord. “So, she knew when your time was up, but decided to let you stay in there... Do you think we should turn her into a frog?”

“What!?”

Discord thinks this over. “No no, a frog would never do. How about something more exotic! Like an Ostrich!”

Twilight’s eyes go wide and she teleports out of the room immediately, sending Discord and I into hysterics once again.

“Now then.” Luna says, walking up to us. “The agreement was that he would be reformed once released, that shall begin tomorrow morning, and the elements, my sister and I will all discuss how this shall happen... Discord, you and Anthony are welcome to attend as well, but have no say in the matter of our decision.”

“What?” Discord and I say in unison. “That’s not fair!”

Celestia speaks up next. “Seeing as how you two are bad influences on each other, I think it’s entirely fair if Discord is to be reformed at all.”

“But it was my idea, I can do it really!”

“I’d sooner expect a pie to grow legs and begin dancing.” Luna says lamely. She glares at Discord as he gets ready to snap his fingers, likely to make a pie do exactly that. “The odds of you two not causing havoc everywhere you go is very slim, so he will be put in another pony’s care for the duration of his reformation.”

“But-”

“We will not hear another word from either of you, we have made our minds up. Gather your acquaintances from Ponyville and return there. We will be at the library tomorrow afternoon.”

Discord and I roll our eyes. “Oh fine.”

“Buncha killjoys...”

“I know, right?”

“Oh well, we should get back to Ponyville now.”

Discord snaps his fingers and summons Twilight, Rarity, Caramel and that blue mare, all of them shocked and surprised at their sudden relocation, and then Discord warps us back to Ponyville and he tells everyone to go home, which they do. Discord follows me back to the library, but Twilight speaks up. “Oh no, he is not sleeping here! No way, never!”

“Well where is he going to sleep?”

“Not here! Besides, we don’t have room for him anyways.”

Discord just sighs. “Well then, I guess I’ll just leave. See you tomorrow!”

“Wait, where are you going!?”

Discord coils his serpentine body around Twilight and boops her nose with his claw. “Wouldn’t you like to know! Ta ta!” with that, Discord vanishes in a puff of blue smoke that smells vaguely of burnt popcorn and soap.

“Way to go, Twilight. You just sent the Spirit of Chaos off into whatever part of the world he desires, completely unsupervised and free to do whatever he pleases while there.” Twilight looks at me scared, shocked and ashamed.

“Oh well, see ya in the morning!” With that, I head inside and get ready to sleep.

Chapter 145

I stretch with a broad grin on my face. I think Clark’s going to be alright, Discord’s free to get reformed and be a friend too, and I think they’ll do well together. Maybe too well, but that’s for everyone else to deal with.

I head downstairs and walk to Fluttershy’s to inform Clark that he’d get to meet a new friend of mine later today, not going into much detail about Discord, just that I get along well with him. I also mention that the princesses will be there, but since it’s for more of a business visit, he’d probably have to go up and see them himself if he wanted to actually meet them.

Fluttershy certainly looks nervous about the mention of Discord though, and her story about what he did to her was kinda... messed up, but from what I can gather, he was just trying to shame Fluttershy... which she honestly already does to herself on a daily basis. Can’t blame the guy for throwing in the towel and going on the offensive, really.

“So yeah, the princesses said they’ll be here in Ponyville at about noon or something I think. Though Discord kinda ran off last night because Twilight wouldn’t let him sleep in the library. I figure he’ll be here in time though, he seems to like hanging out with me.” For a moment, I expect Discord to appear at that moment, but am somewhat sadly disappointed. Ah well, he’s sure to be here for the discussion.

We talk for a few minutes, Clark sitting down and hugging Fluttershy. Strangely, she doesn’t shy away from Clark at all, in fact leaning towards him a bit. After she gets over her trepidation, likely with Clark’s massaging claw-tips to aid the process, we get moving towards the library. Twilight should know where we’re supposed to go.

Standing around in the field, Twilight fidgets. “Where’s Discord now? Why isn’t he here? What if the Princess gets mad at me for losing him? Ooh, what if she gives me a bad grade? Oh no, what if I fail?”

“Fail what exactly?” I ask the paranoid ball of shaking lavender fur beside me.

“Fail her test! I can’t do that to her!”

“For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Calm the fuck down! You might give yourself a cardiac arrest if you keep up this ritual of flipping out over the dumbest things.”

“But- but I could get an eff! That’s the worst grade of all!”

I kneel down, and hold Twilight gently by her side. “Twilight, calm down, and listen to me very carefully. You are not being tested, and therefore you cannot fail. Secondly, chill out, or you are going to end up killing yourself with these pointless anxiety attacks. Got it?”

She takes a shaky breath, petting her tail gently. She nods, slowly, and continues to try breathing properly.

“Alright, now that we’ve calmed down the bucket of nerves...” I turn to the others in attendance. “Where are the princesses anyhow?”

One of the elements of harmony is about to say something, but she’s cut off as Pinkie points up at the sky and hops up and down excitedly. “Over there! Over there! Ooh, I spy something blue and really big!”

“Pinkie, that’s the sky.” Something’s odd. That’s a bit more random than she usually is... oh well.

“Wow, you’re good at this game. Alright, you spy next!” Pinkie smiles at me as Celestia touches down nearby in an ornate golden chariot, the pegasus guards pulling it looking around stoically. Given the cutie-mark shaped wheel-well, I’m guessing it’s Celestia’s.

Clark is sitting down in the grass, Fluttershy on his lap. The two are becoming practically inseparable. Pinkie hops a little in place, and I see that her smile’s actually a bit strained. Thinking about Pinkie’s story, I can understand why she’d be a bit nervous by the upcoming meeting.

And, right as Celestia steps out of the chariot, Discord poofs into place, wearing an electric-blue hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts, a super-tourists hat on top his head, and sunglasses mostly covering his eyes.

“Hello, everypony!” Discord leers around at the ponies, though the leer turns to an amused smirk when seen from the side.

“Heya man, where’d ya go?”

“Why, Hoofwaii, of course. Why else would I wear this? It’s tacky, even by my standards!”

I cringe at the unintended pun. “Forget I asked... So, down to business I guess. Might as well get this over with, right?”

“Oh, fine, I suppose. So, Princess, what have you got for me? You gonna sic Twilight on me until I’m all friendship’d into reforming?” He gesticulates wildly as he speaks.

I laugh. “Pffft, like that would work. She’s such a social recluse, she’s here to learn about friendship herself from what I heard.”

“Ooh, shots fired, Anthony,” he shifts around to hold Twilight around the shoulders, like he’s supporting her. “Can’t you see she’s wounded by your cruel words?” He looks at me with a  super-serious look... for almost a full five seconds. We both break into laughter at Twilight’s expense. After the laughing dies down, I see that Twilight actually does look a bit upset by the teasing. Oh well, guess it’s just a sore point, she’ll be fine.

Celestia clears her throat to get our attention and once she has it, she begins. “No, we will not force Discord into reformation, as that rather defeats the purpose of reforming him in the first place.” Discord gives an exaggerated gasp of surprise. “We need to do as you said earlier Anthony. We must win him over to our side of thinking, have him see the way we do and sympathize with us and befriend him. But just because it is your idea does not mean you will be the one to execute it. Instead, it will be a team effort of all of you, but I have selected Fluttershy to be his caretaker as I feel she would be the best suited to look over him.”

Wait... the pegasus who flinches every time someone says his name? What the heck? Ah well, if that’s the way Celly wants it...

“So, what now?”

Celestia continues. “Now I would like you to take the Elements of Harmony.” she levitates a rather ornate box over to the group and it opens revealing the necklaces and the big crown thingy. The ponies each put on their respective trinkets. “If Discord becomes too unruly or unmanageable, you have my permission to return him to stone-”

“Wait!” I yell. “Wasn’t the whole point of the reforming thing because we didn’t want to have him a statue in the first place?”

“If he has become too much of a danger, I’d rather he be a statue than causing harm.” She turns to the element bearers. “That does not mean that minor disobedience should be retaliated with maximum force. You are trying to reform him, not browbeat him.” Celestia looks at Discord. “And you... if you do cause too much trouble, without doing any harm, then Twilight has been given permission to utilize a backup plan.”

“And you aren’t going to tell us what the result of that will be? That’s not fair. If you don’t know why you are or are not doing something, what’s stopping you? The best way to be nice to someone is to have them choose to be nice themselves, not threaten them with uncertain circumstances.”

“I am simply telling him that, should he choose to be too troublesome, there is another chance he will have before the Elements are to be used on him. I am not threatening him, I am reassuring him.”

“I have to side with Anthony on this, I’m none too reassured this mystery plan you’ve convinced your little student to aim at me. You aren’t being... sneaky are you?” Discord’s tone is somewhere between curious and accusatory, but there’s still the undertone of his normal, joking self.

I shrug. “Seems she is, otherwise she wouldn't try to hide it. She won’t tell us what the result is. Not like that would tell us what the plan is, how it works, or how to stop it. I hardly see how knowing the outcome would change the plan in the slightest, unless the result is the entire plan, in which case it’s not much a plan as it is retaliation.”

Discord and I look at the princess expectantly, putting her in the spotlight. Literally, Discord’s summoned a giant floating lamp and it’s shining in her face.

Without her expression changing in the slightest, she simply looks to each of the Elements, and nods, gently. “I will check in every week, and I will want to get a detailed update. Fluttershy, you may suspend your reports on Anne for the time being.” Fluttershy looks relieved at this, and nods.

Reports on Anne? The f- Okay, that’s just... why does she treat every new arrival like a test subject!? Seriously, I sometimes feel bad for treating Celly like garbage, but then I remember why I do. She can be an uncaring bitch sometimes!

I sigh, and say, “Alright, guess we just... go home now. Not much to do really now that we know what’s going on. Aside from Celestia dodging the question about the backup plan. Oh well, I guess sometimes you just need to feel like you know more than everyone else. I can probably get it out of Twilight anyway.”

“I don’t think I need to give obvious answers to rhetorical questions, Anthony. Now, I must get back to Canterlot. Luna is likely drowning in politicians by now. She’s always been better with numbers than ponies.” Celestia flies away in her chariot. Hey, actually, why does she ride in the chariot if she has wings? The guards are flying just fine from Canterlot and back with the gold chariot being dragged through the air, so why can’t she just flap along back and forth?

I’ve seen her wingspan, it’s about half again as wide as that chariot is, and I’ve seen her fly just fine... lazy royals...

I turn and see that most of the ponies present are giving Discord the stink-eye, but Fluttershy actually looks fine, sitting on Clark’s lap and looking fearlessly at the spirit. Discord, for his part, is examining Clark, who looks distinctly uncomfortable, and I can see wisps of red-orange star-cloud hanging around his right arm.

“Oh yeah, introductions. Discord, Clark. Spirit of Chaos, human with partial demonic corruption but full mental control.”

“Hmm... But the question here is whether he has a sense of humor?”

Clark looks up at the chimeric mishmash, and gives a shaky grin. “As long you don’t mind organized chaos, I think humor comes easier than anything else.”

“Organized... Chaos? What kind of madness afflicts you, I wonder.” Discord reaches out and pulls a brain from behind-or-maybe-inside Clark’s ear, examining it. The brain has googly eyes on the front. “Strange, it’s looks just like a brain, I would’ve expected-” The front of the brain, between the googly eyes, opens up, a cuckoo clock bird chirping and springing out a few times. “Ah, there we go. Anthony, my friend, did you know your other friend is crazy? Why would you hang around someone insane, when you have so many sane people to ‘chill with’?” Discord finishes his question wearing an orange parka with an arm around my shoulders. There’s snow on his shoulders and more snow is falling around us.

“Simple.” I grin. “He’s the best kind of crazy. The fun kind.”

“Ah, that makes perfect sense.” Discord snaps his fingers again, and the field is back to normal, minus the snowman formed of the snow from his now-gone parka. “So... what first? I was thinking over some ‘friend’ things while I was stoned out of my mind, and thought about maybe turning Fillydelphia upside down, or perhaps turning Horseshoe Bay into a literal horseshoe, and seeing what happens from there. Or, maybe, we can go steal everyone’s left shoe in Tuarkey, and just watch the mayhem unfold!”

“Hmmm... How about something much more interesting. Why don’t we go ‘help’ people?” I say, putting as much emphasis on help as I can to indicate the total opposite. “We could spend all day filling their lives with chaotic joy!”

Discord claps his forelimbs happily. “That sounds delightful! Oh, and since Fluttershy needs to watch me, she can chaperone. Y’know, to make sure we don’t go anywhere on our second date.” He bats his eyes at me with cartoonishly girly features superimposed over his own.

“Heh, trust me pal, you’ve already been friendzoned. Friends get to have a lot more fun together!”

Chapter 147

“So, Anthony, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Discord muses, thoughtfully stroking his goatee.

“Well, I think so Discord, but I can’t memorize an entire opera in Yiddish.”

Discord pauses for a moment looking at me in confusion, before continuing with aplomb. “No, no, Anthony, I mean we should try to take over the village!” He grins at me. “Gently, of course.”

“Why? What would be any different? You wouldn’t have any more power, you don’t need money or servants, you can do everything you want for yourself in an instant. Who needs to be in charge to have power?”

“Well, I suppose you have a few points. Mostly on your face, but I’m sure they’ll shave off just fine.” I cross my eyes and see that there’s a cluster of spiny hairs sticking off my nose. “I just want something to do, that won’t leave me in stone again. In spite of what those hippies think, being stoned is not all that fun.” Discord leers around the area.

“Wrong kind of stoned dude. I should get you some weed sometime. Maybe I could ask Rarity.” At the look Discord gives me I nod. “Yeah, still kinda weird and it’s been what, four weeks since that happened? Rarity’s a pothead. Live and learn I guess.”

“Hmm... maybe we should pay her a visit. I’m sure she could learn me a thing or two... and I could show her the amazing gift to the world that is paisley underpants! It’ll be a scream, I’m sure.”

“Mainly for her. Sure, why not... but nothing permanent. We want her to like you after all.”

“Ugh, does she have to?” Discord sneers, rolling his eyes at the thought. I pick them up and hand them back to him, and he sets them back in place.

“Well, you at least need three of the Element Bearers on your side, right? If half of them say they should keep you around, the other half will agree. They have this weird kind of deal with the whole ‘My friends are doing it’ mindset.”

“Oh, that’s just ponies being ponies. I tried breaking them of the herd instincts, but it just made them so droopy. It took forever to peel them off the walls, but I suppose I should’ve picked something better than limpet instincts to use as a replacement.” Discord looks thoughtfully at Fluttershy who looks horrified... and a little curious.

“Yeah, maybe snails. Would be funny to see them try and wiggle around on their stomachs and try to bunch up their legs like a shell.” Even as I speak, I see one colt... doing exactly that. The lanky unicorn child looks like he’s attempting to become a contortionist in motion, and Fluttershy and Discord look confused as hell when they look to see what I’m staring at.

“Did you-”

“Nope.”

“What the fuck?” We both turn to Fluttershy confusedly at her odd word choice. “S- Sorry...” she mutters.

“Well, that takes all the fun out of finding out what they’d do... Say, Anthony, let’s go turn some houses into gingerbread houses!” I point to Sugarcube corner. Discord scowls. “That’s twice they’ve beaten me to the punchline... Anthony, have they been preparing for me?”

“No, ponies are just... weird. Like, really really weird.”

“I’m starting to think I’m not needed... Bah! Perish the thought, I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeves!” He gestures at the empty air near his wrist. A few seconds later, he gestures again.  He looks, sees that he has no sleeves. “How embarrassing, I left my sleeves on my other deck.”

“So instead of not playing with a full deck, you don’t have one at all? Explains much.” I say, giving the spirit beside me a wry smile at the hole he dug for himself.

“I- hey! Turnabout is not fair play! I’m still reeling from Sparkle’s rules-lawyering earlier!” Discord says, wearing full fishing attire. A nearly spherical plushie of Twilight dangles at the end of his fishing rod, which he’s reeling in.

“Yeah well, I got plenty of ammo to use, and I don’t really care too much about my aim. Keep a water bucket handy, I’m nowhere near done with friendly fire.”

“I’ve never understood why people have problems with friendly fire. It’s friendly, so why suppress it?” Discord asks, looking upset in his vintage ‘Nam gear. I’m not entirely sure why he’s in a- oh, wait, the first billion COD games. How does he know about- Eh, Spirit of Chaos I guess. Just because he doesn’t show his face doesn’t mean he’s not around. For all I know, he could have spent a vacation on Earth one time.

“So what can we do? I mean, there’s pranking, but most of that can be done with enough money, ingenuity, and time. Which, aside from money, we both have in spades.”

“Hmm... Well, there’s so many ideas, but so few that won’t get Twilight Sporkle’s disappointed glare to have my future ‘set in stone’ if you will. Perhaps we cou-” Discord stops mid word, freezing perfectly in place.

As I wonder what could’ve caused his freeze-up, his head slowly turns to look off in some direction, a slow grin spreading across his face.

“And what delicious meal of fun has your brain cooked up this time?”

“Actually, I’d say I just heard something....” his voice turns to a low, purring growl, “interesting.” He starts moving in the direction he’s facing, simply sliding around, under, or over the shocked and/or scared ponies in his way, his speed leaving Fluttershy and I in the dust as we hurry to catch up.

After a while I realize he’s heading for the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres. What could be chaotic over there? Oh no, did Clark run into AJ again? Or... Then I hear children. Very loud and familiar children as we get close to the orchard. Of course the CMC would set his ‘Chaos Radar’ off, they can be almost as bad as him.

Oh well, time to see what the little fillies are doing this time.

“... and you say that you just need a bucket of glue to finish this... contraption?” I hear Discord say, a shining beacon of glee shining through his words, and for the first time today, it’s a metaphor that isn’t being taken literally.

“Eeyup! An’ then we can try gettin’ our cutie-marks in cross-country paintin’!” I hear Applebloom’s voice chirp out cheerfully.

What the fuck? I run up to the clubhouse, slowing down to duck under the entryway before realizing I just passed my stop. I exit the clubhouse and look around the clearing for what caught my eye. It didn’t take long to see holy shit they have a cannon! It’s not all of a cannon yet, but...

“Where did you get a cannon!?”

“We built it!” Sweetie says, her voice cracking on the ‘built’. She’s loading a large can of paint into the bottom, even as Discord simply snaps his fingers to just put in the last section needed, even though the new section is composed entirely of what looks like Jolly Rancher.

“Ohhhhhhh no. Nonononononononono! What about the cleanup? What if you hit someone? What if it misfires and explodes?”

Discord cackles gleefully. “I know, it’s just such a wonderful experiment! And, in the interest of staying reformed, I’ll make sure it can’t injure anybody. Probably.” He snaps his fingers, and Fluttershy, the CMC, and myself are all covered in various mis-matched protective gear. Sweetie’s in a full linebacker uniform, complete with black streaks under her eyes. Scootaloo is in an old-style diving suit, blinking in confusion, and Applebloom has about twenty pillows duct-taped around her. Fluttershy has a shimmering energy field around her, and... HALO armor?

And I’m... dressed as a crash-test dummy. “Not cool man, seriously!”

Discord just snickers under his full suit of medieval plate armor and yells, “Paint in the hole!”

The cannon fires, and a solid-blue glob goes flying into the air. I can’t even see where it lands, but it’s somewhere in the Everfree forest. Oh man, that’s going to piss off something in there.

Except... I haven’t seen a single one of those super-dangerous Everfree beasts that supposedly live in there. So what could it land on?

“Oh well, at least it didn’t land on anyone. Seriously, I know Discord can use his magic to be a super quick-fix cure-all for the entire planet, but that’s still vaguely dangerous. Even temporary or reduced harm is still harm.”

“Pfft, they only shot it into Cockatrice territory. Er, wait...” Discord stops and thinks that over for a moment. “Nah, it’ll be fine. Alright, so did any of you get your amazing talent-tattoos? That counts as being reformed if you did, right?” He snaps the claws on one hand, and blocky, ‘?’ shaped images show up on each crusader’s flank. Hmm... I just noticed Noi isn’t here.

The crusaders look at their new ‘talent-tattoos’ with shock and mild horror, until they fade. Then, they look like they don’t know what to think. Discord looks rather disappointed. “Drat, I never was good at soul magic... good with blues magic, though.”

“How about a bit of death metal? Been a while since I heard any. Probably for a good reason.”

“I’m not sure necromantic blacksmithing is the answer to your love life, Anthony.”

I stare at him for a moment and then get it. “Oh no, death metal is a style of music. Like, a sub-genre of metal that has darker tones and more intense music.”

“... I stand by my previous statement.” Says Discord, standing next to a faded Discord repeating “...omantic blacksmithing is the answer to your love life, Anthony. I’m not sure...” over and over again.

“Haha, very funny. Anyway, now that we’re here... I guess introductions can start, though we seem to be missing a member.”

“Noi’s sick today. She’s got the trots. Also, I’m Scootaloo!”

“Ah’m Applebloom.”

“And I’m Sweetie Belle! You look just like that weird statue in Canterlot all those years ago.” Discord quirks an eyebrow and grins. Sweetie just smiles at him, completely uncomprehending. Discord peers closer at the trio.

“And you look... familiar already. Have I already terrorized you, or- wait, I recognize the orange one, and the yellow one and the little marshmallow with legs, too!”

“I don’t get it.” Scoots says, and Discord gives an exasperated groan.

He points at Applebloom. “You. Do you understand?” The little pony shakes her head, completely lost.

Sighing, he puts his face in one paw, and puts on a blue version of his face, a pair of golden manacles shackling his wrists, sans chains.

“Alright, in return for letting me free all those years ago, you each get precisely one wish. I might do a song-and-dance if they’re good.”

The girls look at Discord confused then realization hits me. “Wait... they let you out? That’s... not as surprising as I thought two seconds ago...”

“Didn’t you flub my last wish?” Scootaloo asks accusingly.

“No, you flubbed your request. You wanted wings and I gave them to you. Besides, I thought you looked so nice.” Discord snaps his paw-hand-finger-claws-whatever and Scootaloo once more has the giant, light-refracting multi-hued butterfly wings that I’d expect to see on a five-year-old girl’s doll.

Scootaloo’s shriek of rage and dismay is loud and piercing enough that I see a spiderweb of cracks form in each window of the clubhouse. Discord’s face is utterly priceless, but that hurt, and I have normal hearing. Judging by the pained expressions on the crusaders, I’d say pony hearing only made it worse for them.

With a hasty snap, Discord resets Scootaloo’s wings, and pulls off his ears to clean out with a rag. Then, he eats them, just for good measure. I don’t even notice when he got his ears back into their normal positions.

“Well, now that’s what I call pipes kid. Maybe your talent is making loud, unbearable noises.” My ears agree with him, and in a truly sad display, Scootaloo actually looks... Poor kid, she really wants to know what her destiny is supposed to be.

Once my ears recover and I can hear softer noises again, we just kind of end up standing around. Applebloom and Sweetie still look slightly dazed though. “So, you let Discord out? This had to have been before I did it the first time, ‘cuz as far as I know, he only got out three times, two of them from me. That begs the questions... why and how?”

“Uhm, we kinda started arguin’...” Applebloom trails off.

Scootaloo picks up the trail of thought next, “about whether he’s ‘chaos’, or ‘evil’, n’ stuff...”

“And we kinda started a hoofticuffs right next to his statue during the field-trip, and then by the time we got home, there was so much weird stuff going on and then Twilight and our sisters fixed it all and then I got a super-stern talking to by Rarity because Ms. Cheerilee told her about what we did and then the royal guard came and said that Celestia was super-mad with us, and then Rarity was even madder and then I didn’t get dessert for two. Whole. Weeks!” Sweetie stops to take a deep breath, her face a little purple as she gasps and wheezes.

“You set loose the Spirit of Chaos and get a talking to and lose dessert.”

“Applejack whuped me fer it when Cheerilee told her.”

“Eh, corporal punishment wasn’t exactly something I dealt with from my parents. Though my sister beating me up was par for the course.” I comment on the next punishment.

“My folks also took my desserts away, but they also took my scooter, too.” Scootaloo says, but she sounds more proud than regretful. Weird kid. Oh, and she’s going all poofy again.

“Uh.... huh. So I guess you do know each other... inadvertently. Also, I highly doubt that launching paint balls over Equestria would get you any marks unless they had a cutie mark for ‘caused destruction with non-lethal objects’ which, to be honest, you’d probably have by now if it was any of your talents.”

“Oh, we’ve got a coordinate system set up. We’re gonna re-paint the Pony Lisa!” Oh Nabu I didn’t just hear that. That pun was bad, and I can’t even get mad at them, because the little fillies didn’t know what they were saying.

“No. No you aren’t. You’re going to make a mess.”

“Nah, don’t worry! We got this.” Scoots says, poofing up with pride as she leans against the cannon.

In slow motion, I see the cannon shift, and a piece of loose candy-based machinery falls down, causing an attempted firing of another paint can. The firing attempts, but at a much lower angle and entirely too far to one side. Off, into the distance of Ponyville flies a massive blob of orange paint.

“Oops.”

The paint hits the fan

Sitting in time-out is never fun, especially with a metaphorical ‘jail warden’. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen Fluttershy pissed... and she still doesn’t look it now, but she looks less than happy. She’s almost got a scowl on her face!

“Well, I think I’m done with this. Sitting in a corner just because you say so is ridiculous.” Discord stands up and starts to walk away. Instantly, Fluttershy’s brow furrows, and she darts in front of him to bop him on the snoot.

“Oh, no, mister, you’re gonna sit down! And I don’t want to hear any lip from you, either!” Her indignant, angry shouts are more shocking than scary, and I don’t think Discord was expecting it in the slightest, either. Still... now I’ve seen her truly angry.

“Hey waitaminute! What am I doing here? Why am I in trouble? I was against the ‘paint cannon’ idea since the beginning, how is any of this my fault?”

“You know what you did! You encouraged him!” Fluttershy says accusingly.

“When? I recall saying they should not launch paint across Equestria!”

Fluttershy glares at me. “You sit down right now, mister!”

I sheepishly return to my seat. “Yes mom- er, F- Fluttershy...”

My little slip-up gets snickers out of Discord and the CMC, which are quieted instantly by Fluttershy whom I now deem one of the scariest of Twi’s friends, though how that is I’m just not sure...

It’s a few hours, but eventually Fluttershy lets us out... except Discord. He’s getting extended time because he fell asleep.

“My eyes were open, how could tell I was asleep?”

“You just told me!”

Discord doesn’t have a rebuttal. He apparently has trouble sitting in one place, unmoving and staying awake. I guess I’d be the same if I was literally chaos incarnate...

Oh well, my time is up, so I head off.

I get to thinking bout Clark and what’s wrong with him. I’d like to be able to talk with him, somewhere we can be open. Honest with each other, somewhere private. But where would we find a place where we couldn’t be seen or heard at all?

I sigh out loud. A place like that would probably have to be some other dimension. Oh well, guess we’ll have to make do without any assured privacy... I look up at the sky and try to judge how long Fluttershy had us sitting for. Most of the day has gone by! I mean, it’s not night yet by any means, but still.

Waitaminute... night... the dreamscape! If Luna can get in there... why couldn’t I? I’m gonna need some serious help though. It seems my only option is Twilight. She’s such a straight arrow it might be a bit difficult to convince her, but whether the ponies trust him or not, I’m going to fix my friend, and to do that I need to know where to start.

“I’m not going to just hoof over the keys to someone’s mind!”

“That isn’t what I’m asking at all, Twilight. I just wanna talk to him in his dreams!”

“But even that’s illegal! Luna only does it because she’s... okay, I always assumed it was because she’s a princess, but I’m sure there’s a better reason, she’s just trustworthy enough to do it!”

“And I, the only person who is even bothering to take his side isn’t trustworthy enough? And don’t say you can’t do it. I’m more than sure that you’ve looked through a book on mind magic before.”

“Wh- why would you think that?”

“Because you’ve studied just about everything else, so I’m not going to rule anything out. Besides, so far you haven’t denied ever knowing it, and with the way you worded your last statement about not handing over the keys to his mind, implies that you can, you just won’t.”

“I- that is- ugh... Yes, I could theoretically do it. But I don’t know how to have anypony there as more than an observer.” Twilight grudgingly admits, “The theory is sound for just viewing, but there’s no mention anywhere in Delving studies about actually interacting with the dreams. I suppose you’d have to ask Princess Luna about it.”

“Alright, just looking is fine for now. I just want to make him better. I don’t quite get why none of you even think about that and that killing him is your first solution. Aren’t you all supposed to be, like, super-peaceful, or does that stop when they aren’t ponies?”

“What? I’ve never advocated for killing him! I’ve been-”

“Well, that was Celestia’s first reaction, and she’s got her hoof so far up your rear I figured you’ll just repeat whatever she wants you to say like her ventriloquist dummy.”

“Hey! Don’t talk about the Princess that way! And I’m not a dummy, ventriloquist or otherwise.” She folds her hooves in front of her chest, resulting in a tiny poof of fur bunching up over them. It’s adorable, and completely undermines her frustration in my opinion.

“Still, I want to find out how to cure the corruption, and since I doubt amputation would help any, the next solution is to deprogram him. That requires knowing what’s in his head. And first-hand experience with anything is the most informative, right?”

“I, uh, guess so, yeah. Well... if you’re so set on this course, then I’ll help, because I can completely imagine you hunting down a dangerous warlock or hedge mage to do the magic instead and wind up missing kidneys instead.”

“Oh Twilight, you’re so silly. I’d just ask Discord.”

“I don’t think the outcome would be any better for your health, in the long-term.” Twilight says dryly.

“Oh whatever. So how’s this gonna work? We find him when he’s asleep and plug a cord into my brain, or what?”

“Eww, no! Besides, with interference between brainwaves, that’d just- er, that’s not important. Tonight, when he’s asleep, You’ll be put into a trance, and I use a spell to make you Delve into his mind. Because he’ll presumably be dreaming, that should be ‘where’ you end up in his mind.”

I nod. “Alright, so we have a plan. Well then... What now? We still have a few hours before it’s dark out, and I have a feeling he’s used to sleeping with one eye open. Scratch that, he always does.”

“Uhm... I have a Battleclouds set?”

“Seriously? I’d expect you to have something like Scrabble or Upwords. Heck, even Pictionary.”

“I have no idea what those are.”

I facepalm. “Alright, here’s the gist...” I sit us down and grab some paper. Might as well introduce more games to Equestria, right? Hmm... maybe I could teach her the Duke...

Chapter 149

Well, after explaining Scrabble, which Twilight took such a shine to, calling it the most incredible balance of education and entertainment, and marking the first ever use of ‘Edutainment’ in Equestria’s history according to her... we didn’t get to the others and now it’s really late.

“Oh, I think Clark’s already asleep!” Twilight says, looking out the window into the gentle dark of night. “And I hope Spike got to bed on time, it looks pretty late outside.” She sighs. “Alright, let’s get to this.” She motions to the stairs. “You head to your room, you’ll want to be laying down when you Delve, or you’ll fall over. I don’t think humans have locking knee-joints.”

“Nope. Sleeping standing up looks really uncomfortable by the way. Idunno how you guys do it.”

“Oh, well there’s these muscle groups in the legs that attach to the knees, and-”

“I can hear it later, thank you.” I get up and head to my room. I’ve gotten used to the ever-so-slightly-too-small bed, and I can get comfortable while I wait for the trance with ease.

“Alright, now just calm yourself. Find your stillness. Peace and calmness.” Twilight says, and I hear the pages of a book flip. Heh, she’s reading as she goes.

“And imagine a nice quiet mountain range, and the babbling nerd slowly quieting to nothing.” I say, grinning whilst staring at my eyelids. I’m pretty sure Twi’s not happy about that. She continues anyway though.

After a minute or six, I’m not sure, I feel myself slowly drift off. However, it’s not like I’m falling asleep, though the ‘falling’ half is coming through just fine. Suddenly, I see myself falling at Clark, and everything shifts around me, like a bad jump-cut in a movie.

Judging by the fires, the fields of spikes, and the fact that I can hear screams, I’d say Clark isn’t having a good dream tonight. Something like a loud staccato burst issues from the other side of a hill covered in barbed wire. There is no sky, just a field of smoke above me.

Well, I guess I’ll find Clark where it’s the worst, so I start looking for some sort of indication where it’s ‘worse’ than anywhere else, but it all looks like Hell. After a while, I just try and just think about... finding him in general. The ‘where’ is not important. Through what I assume is dream-rules, I just kind of start walking and something tells me I’m getting closer.

Stepping around the first hill, I see a huge tower rising into the smoky sky, and a field littered with either corpses or just people playing dead. More than half look monstrous, or only half-human, though plenty look absolutely normal. The way up to the tower is literally carpeted with the dead, forming a morbid ramp. There’s a huge amount of weapons scattered around, almost all resting in a way that leaves them dangerous.

I can see someone that I just feel is Clark, standing at the entrance of the tower, and I can hear him clearly as he shout something to a few figures going up the tower. He’s yelling for them to go, and to keep going. With a very sudden shift, the field has a towering monster on it, like a hunched dragon with a giant shell on its back and a massive cannon fused to its arms. In place of wings, it has a giant pair of long, scythe-like talons. Instead of attacking Clark, though, it’s facing out and begins shooting at a veritable horde of random creatures, some of them ponies, most human, and several near-human. Clark stays standing in the entrance to the tower.

I can’t get involved, but I do still feel the urge to be by his side so I make my way towards him. I’m pretty sure walking on top of and across all the bodies is technically okay, but I decide to take a slower route of where there are the fewest bodies and just hopping from one to another. Some have been very dead for quite a while and I do not want to look at my pants or shoes. This desire to not look increases with each squishy crack noise and I’m feeling rather nauseous at the idea of exactly what I’m doing right now and eventually make my way to Clark; which, unfortunately, required me to step right through some poor sod’s stomach...

I make it to his side, at the apex of the pile of deceased entities, and see him pulling out a bow with a distinctly bone-like appearance, and he takes aim at the creatures swarming forward. He has a wide, determined grin on his face, and an evil glint in his eye. To my surprise, though, he hasn’t got his demonic arm, but he is wearing some battered, splattered, kinda crusty armor on him. It’s mostly cloth, but there’s symbols almost literally crawling over it.

No, scratch that, they are

Hello archaic enchantments or whatever. I try to look where he’s looking, to see if I can figure out where the supposed opposition is. Or what it is. Probably demons, but who knows what it could be. Well, aside from him. Dammit, if only I could do more. I have a feeling that if I could fight off whatever he’s facing, I could get closer to getting him back.

A thought enters my mind and I can’t help but laugh. It’s not as gruesome as I thought, but this circumstance, just him and me against the world when everything’s gone to shit... it’s exactly like the plans we came up with for the zombie apocalypse. First mission, get to a hardware or grocery store... Then get weapons and start kicking ass.

Then I see a little gray humanoid with a giant head, like a perfectly classic ‘gray alien’, reach out and spike purple lines of energy into the behemoth that had been fighting for Clark. The monstrosity slowly turned towards us, and leveled its cannon.

Clark responds by reaching into his chest, and pulling out a ridiculous, anime-grade bone sword as tall as he is, with a beating heart in the pommel and veins tracing all over it.

Wait, I can see into his now-empty chest. That’s his heart! What the hell is- eh, it’s a dream, I guess it’s symbolic or something.

I start to Spark up but when I start glowing I then remember I can’t help just watch. I try throwing a rock at the alien thing and, as expected, the rock acts as though I’m not even here. Sighing, I sit back and watch, rooting for my friend. It may be all I can do, but since it’s something, I’m gonna do it.

I watch as he simply leaps up and cleaves the monster in half with the stupidly-over-the-top sword, and it falls into two neat halves. He lands on the other side, and looks up at the now-terrified alien, who is beating a hasty retreat. Clark leaps up to cleave it in twain, but it vanishes before he lands the blow. All around me, like somebody holding down the delete key as they select objects in a game, the nasty, gory portions of the terrain disappear, leaving a massive beige dustbowl behind, Clark’s heart-bone-sword gone and his chest whole. He look confused and a little scared at all of this.

What the heck is going on? If I still have any gamer instincts left in me, this is definite silent message for ‘incoming boss fight’ or at least something rather important.

Very suddenly, the sky is no longer smoky, instead being a simple night sky, with a bright, full moon in the sky. Clark’s eyes home in on it, and he takes a hesitant step away from it. Slowly, Luna materializes, forming by stretching the night into her shape and then sort of ‘fading in’ to being her. Clark looks utterly confused now, as Luna glances for a moment in my direction before looking at Clark again. Her brow is furrowed, either in distaste or worry, I can’t tell.

“I assume you are Clark, yes?”

“I- uh, yes? Mostly?”

Oh yeah, he’s never met Luna and only barely met Celestia. He’s probably a little tentative. That said, she had one cool entrance. I think I can use that for something...

“I am glad to meet you, Clark. I came when I sensed the... violence of this dream. Are you well?”

Clark looks baffled. “I... yes? Who are you? I don’t recognize you.”

“I am Princess Luna, the keeper of the night and dreams in Equestria. I am sorry to intrude upon your dreams, but I couldn’t allow you to be tormented further.” As she speaks, she’s stepped closer, and I realize that’s she’s taller in the dream world than in real life, with her head at just the right height to rest on Clark’s shoulder.

“What, this? This is hardly a bad dream. I was just about finished with another planet when you interrupted.”

“I do not understand. As well, you seem so... lucid. Aware.”

That confuses me a bit. I mean, it’s a dream. Once you realize you’re not in a dream you can do whatever you want. What does she mean by ‘lucid’ if she doesn’t mean ‘aware’?

“Well... yeah. I’m a lucid dreamer most nights. Wait, so you’re an actual pony, not a shard?” Luna gives him a confused look, and I’m more than a bit lost as well.

I turn to him. “What’s a ‘Shard’?” but then I recall he can’t hear me, though unsurprisingly, Luna definitely can both hear and see me, judging by how she nods and asks exactly that.

“Er, a piece of me. Uhm... give me a minute, I’ll need to break through this to get to the lower layers...” Clark begins to mutter, then simply punches the air. Like it’s just a painted piece of glass, the world shatters, revealing us to be in a massive city. There’s vertical stacks of building in every direction, with massive arcs of electricity moving between them and millions of tiny catwalks and minor connections. There are people, humans in every direction. Most of them look like minor variations of Clark, and with a good-sized percentage, they’re only distinguishable by what they wear.

“Where is this...” Again, I keep forgetting I can’t be heard except by Luna... this is really frustrating.

“Clark, where are we?” Luna helpfully asks.

Clark stares at her, then gives a theatrically sweeping motion. “Welcome... to my brain! ...interpretation, at least. Hence the lightning arcs.” He gestures up, and the electrical currents between buildings make themselves known just for that moment. I also realize that there’s no sky. It’s not black beyond the tops of the skyscrapers, nor is it white or gray or any color at all. It’s making my brain hurt a little to look at it.

Luna looks absolutely aghast. “But- how can you just- Wait, who are all of these?”

“Shards. Pieces of me, broken into itty-bitty little bits for easier parsing. Every single ‘person’ here is actually just a fragment of an idea, or a personality trait. A few of the amalgamations formed of these are what generally runs the day-to-day stuff, with stray thoughts wandering into the metaphorical ‘board room’ whenever they please. Kinda annoying, but still.”

A large humanoid, but bereft of any features at all, walks by. It has no features on it’s face, nor any on the rest of its body, a simple white shirt and blue jeans for it being its only distinguishing features.

“Ah, here’s my Preference for Not Being the Center of Attention When in Large Crowds. Or PNBCQWLC for slightly shorter.” Clark gestures at the ‘person’.

Luna just stares at the completely unremarkable hu- wait, now it’s a pony. A perfectly generic pony, with no features and a perfectly generic brown coat and a brownish-blonde mane.

I look at Luna, she being the only one who can perceive me. “If I assume you didn’t do that, I’m at a complete loss as to what just happened.”

Luna just looks in confusion at the exuberantly generic, faceless pony. PNBCQWLC shrugs and wanders off, and is immediately lost in the crowd.

“So. What brings you here, Princess?” Clark smiles and looks at her. “There’s still a lot of work being done in plenty of places, so don’t expect a tour or anything, but this is a relatively safe place.

I lean over to Luna. “Just don’t ask where his fears are. Or his past. Both are pretty damn ugly.”

Luna seems to agree as she asks Clark what he can show her. Clark shrugs, and Luna looks lost. I don’t think she’s used to anyone having this depth or detail in their control of their own mind.

To be fair, I would have expected him to either have it all be a total mess, or a single filing cabinet. Not a city where all his ‘parts’ are the residents...

Speaking of which, I see another perfect copy of Clark wander up, and the previous one simply wanders away.

“Now, if you’re worried about my dream, that was rather peaceful. I just go around for a few decades or centuries, and destroy everything in my path. Simple and pleasant.” The version of Clark speaking has an even wider grin than possible, and it looks somewhat unhinged.

Well, I think we found his ‘insanity’ or at least a small chip of it anyway.

“Uhm... how is that... ‘pleasant’ in any way?” Luna asks, looking very concerned.

I shrug. “He was winning this time? He was destroying bad memories?” I offer.

“Ha, I was getting to wipe out thousands at a time, with no regret or remorse. They’re just simulacra, after all. No faces, no family, no anything. And I can kill them however I want, with no regrets! I think I may have mentioned that already.”

Dang, he’s making these out to be Nobodies! That’s... pretty dark. I just hope he stopped there and doesn’t have any Heartless around. I look at my feet expecting to see a dark puddle with yellow eyes, indicating a Shadow, but nothing is there but the city street.

Luna, however, seems further concerned, but in a generally more ‘mother’ sort of way. She takes a step forward again, and reaches out to hug him. Clark, however, backs hurriedly away, and Luna looks rather hurt.

Until she’s blindsided by a two-foot-tall Clark who hugs the hell out of her kneecaps. Inner child I assume and I relay this thought to Luna.

Luna hugs the shorter, but otherwise identical, Clark. Slowly, the dreamworld starts to fade to gray, the edges of my vision fraying and turning to nothing. Luna looks up at the little Clark, who is turning ghostly.

Chapter 150

Eventually, the dream simply fades away, and I wake up. The sunlight is streaming in through the window, and I feel singularly unrested. Twilight is asleep leaning on my bed, her chest, head, and forelegs draped on my legs.

Sighing, I pick her up and stick her on my pillow and make my way downstairs. Normally I’m not that hungry, but seemingly missing a night of sleep makes me feel... empty rather than completely tired.

I fix myself a quick hand-roasted breakfast as usual and plop down in a chair in the main library. I reach for a book to pass the time with, but don’t find anything. I get up and head to the fiction section and I happen across a book amongst the Daring Do stuff. The author is listed as ‘Croupless Apples.’ Where have I heard that... I pull out the book and look at the cover. It’s a somewhat ponified version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series... and if my recollection of what this book’s title is supposed to be, it seems either the others are checked out, or Twilight only has the third book. Bummer.

Reading through it, I only get lost a little bit, though a lot of the aliens names are left exactly the same, the humans have pony names. That said, this is nothing like Daring Do ripping off Indiana Jones. This is more like an homage to the human series. The story is vaguely similar, and all the advancements in technology for spaceships and such... are left alone. Like it’s all tech and no magic. Granted the character they have for Marvin is a golem rather than a robot, but all the important details, as well as the jokes, are fully intact.

After a while of reading, Spike comes down the stairs, shortly followed by Twilight.

Twilight looks decently rested, though not entirely awake as usual, sits down at the table and hands me a pot of cold coffee. I look at it oddly for a second and Twilight just looks blearily at me and at the toast in my hand. Rolling my eyes, I pick up the pot and superheat it in a second. Twilight takes it back, pours a bit into a cup and takes a sip. Deciding it’s a good temperature she mutters a ‘thank you’ before just drinking out of the pot.

Oooookay then. Spike looks at her for a moment. “So, how late was she up this time?”

I shrug. “No idea, I was out before she was, that much is certain.”

“What were you guys doing anyway?”

“A dream spell, trying to get me inside Clark’s head to see what would happen.”

“Uh... isn’t that... illegal?”

At that word, Twilight seems to be very awake and nearly chokes on her morning drink. She starts sputtering trying to come up with an excuse, but I just cover her mouth and respond for her. “Well, since it’s clear magic works funny on humans, we figured we’d try it with a human on a human to see how that works. We figured that it would be best to try a rather harmless mind spell, seeing as how we didn’t want any problems. Right Twilight?”

Twilight nods quickly in a silent agreement with my lie. I let go of her mouth and Spike just continues. “So did it work?”

“Yep, though I’m willing to bet it wasn’t like a pony dream, but that’s probably obvious.”

“Well... that answers my question, too. So, Anthony, how did it go?” Twilight asks, finishing waking up and recovering from her minor heart attack.

“Pretty good considering whose mind I was in. It was a bit more extreme than I expected, but no worse than I’d imagine from him in general. Luna came by as well, but that was just luck. Obviously she was the only one who could hear or see me.”

“Wait, Princess Luna was there? And she- oh, I hope she doesn’t take offense!” Twilight looks around in mild panic, until Spike helps calm her down. Once she thinks over how silly the idea is, she decides to find something more constructive, as well as asks me if I’m going to want to try again.

I think about that. “Possibly, though I’m not sure how much different it would be. As I said, aside from Luna, I may as well have been nonexistent to everything the entire time.”

“I suppose. Oh, do you think I could trouble you for some notes about what you saw? I think it could help my studies on human psychology compared to equine psychology.”

“Well, normally it would, but that’s probably the only thing ‘normal’ about the situation. We delved into someone’s subconscious, yes, but I highly doubt that, from just one person, you could determine the psychological structure of an entire race. Unless of course this situation is new to you as well and all you ponies have some sort of giant hive mind that tells you what to do and think all the time.”

Twilight looks at me in confusion. I explain “I mentioned that there are billions of us, and-”

“No, no, why would you think we have a hive mind?” She looks at me, and I can see the sleep in her eyes still.

“Random guess. I said, if you think that you could map out the psychology of an entire race numbering in the billions from just one subject, then you must have some sort of reason as to how you came to that conclusion.”

“I didn’t. I said it’s a study. If I just ignore every available source of data, all four of you right now, then I won’t be able to get anywhere.” She shakes her head wonderingly. “Why would you think I’d assume you all thought the same?”

“Because you made it sound like you could take one person’s mind and draw conclusive evidence towards anything, and I thought we agreed that me and my friends are all oddballs. You’d get a study on our psychology, not typical human psychology.”

“Well, what else do I have to work with? And besides, it’s too early to talk about ‘tones of voice’.” Twilight says.

“It’s twelve-thirty, Twilight.” Spike helpfully corrects.

“I stand by my previous statement.” Twilight replies.

I shrug. “And back on Earth, staying in bed until twelve could get you kicked out of school in a heartbeat if done for too many days in a row. You must have the most lenient teacher in the universe. Oh who am I kidding, of course you do, you think she’s perfect.”

“What? No! It’s just that this is a Saturday!” Twilight seems a bit grumpy this morning.

Spike, in a display of near-suicidal helpfulness, informs Twilight that, “It’s actually Friday.”

Twilight just buries her head in her forelegs, and whimpers. “Nooo... my schedule...”

“Oh no, things didn’t happen exactly the way you planned them. How weird, how strange... how realistic.” I roll my eyes as I sarcastically comment on Twilight’s OCD

“My schedule is ruined...” She whimpers miserably.

“I think I have a fix for that. It’s a little something I came up with whenever I needed to change something unexpectedly. I think you might benefit from it.”

Twilight looks up at me hopefully, waiting to hear my sage advice. I simply give her a grin. “I just stop caring and move on. I call it the ‘fuck it’ adjustment, and it works wonders.” Twilight stares at me unhappily before returning her head to it’s buried position. “Well, can’t say I didn’t try to help.”

Spike looks back and forth between Twilight and I. “So... I got my chores done. Can I go to Rarity’s? I want to talk to Sweetie about an idea I have.” Twilight waves him off.

I think about Spike going to see Rarity. She hasn’t really mentioned anything about telling him what she thought of him and him just showing up unexpectedly might not go well. I should probably come along to see if I need to do damage control. I make an excuse about needing to see Sweetie about something as well, my excuse holding more water because I’m actually part of her little club, and I follow after Spike, He may actually be going to see Sweetie but the fact still remains that he’d just be dropping in on Rarity while, as far as I can tell, she hasn’t made up her mind. Rather, she got high off her ass.

Twilight waves us goodbye and sets about working as a librarian once more. Which reminds me that she does actually have a job.

Spike and I walk more or less in silence, until we reach the boutique. What I see there makes me feel a bit confused and a touch angry.

Carousel Boutique

is closed.

Rarity will be back

in time for Nightmare Night

costume deliveries.

“So... where would Sweetie Belle be? I mean no disrespect to her, but I wouldn’t trust her to be a latchkey kid.”

“Uh... with her parents, I guess. They live in Canterlot, though. Drat! I had some stuff to ask her about the Power Ponies. She’s got a bigger collection than I do.” This seems more directed at the dirt than at me, but I can’t help but ask.

“Power Ponies?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s a comic series I read!” The little dragon begins to explain what, loosely, sounds like a ponified version of the Justice League... but on a much smaller scale.

“The big reveal at the end of issue seven, though, is that the Power Ponies can’t stand each other! It was such an unprecedented idea that-” Oh man, he’s going to keep going, and I can’t keep up without reading first.

“Look, I’m sure this is very interesting, but since I have no frame of reference for a single thing you’ve been saying for the last ten minutes, I’m gonna have to say that you might as well be talking to a wall, dude.”

“Oh! Sorry... uhm, when Sweetie comes back, you could ask her for the first few. She’s got reading copies and collector’s copies of the first twenty. I’m so jealous... all I can get are reprints.”

“I may not understand this particular series, but I do understand comics, and I totally know that feel. Most of the time I wanted a comic or a graphic novel, I had to go to the library and check them out, but Twilight doesn’t think comics are very good material for a library, apparently.”

“Yeah, I know.” Spike says, sadly, as he and I start walking back towards the library. “The Canterlot libraries won’t carry them, either, and my stash of reprints of the first fifty issues got lost when I moved out here with Twilight. She ended up buying what she could find to replace them, but I only mostly have the recent stuff.”

“So... got anything like Spider-Man in comics, or just the Power Pac- er, ponies?”

“Spider-Mane, you mean? He’s really cool. An Earth Pony who gets spider-powers from a thaumically-overcharged spider-golem, and then invents so many things just to fit the theme. Man, I wish I could be like him when I grow older.”

Well... that, uh, explains the differences. “Not quite how it worked in the one I’m familiar with, but close enough I suppose. And frankly, I’d like to be a dragon when I’m older. Having skin thicker than an iron hull would be awesome, and breathing fire is pretty much the definition of ‘awesome’ anyway.”

“Eh, older dragons are jerks. I’d rather be a super-hero.”

“Don’t we all? Unfortunately, I doubt any of that stuff could happen to you out of nowhere... aw who am I kidding, it happened to me. Why not? You might want to come up with an outfit now though, designing one late in the game so to speak is a pain.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know what my powers will be. What if I design a fire-based suit, and get lightning powers, or elasticity, like Wonder Mare?”

“You could say it’s because you’re a dragon? Idunno. Guess you don’t really need an outfit to be a superhero all things considered. One thing to remember though, capes are nothing but trouble, no matter how cool they look.”

“Aww, but-”

“No capes!” I snap, “Imagine if you got the power to fly and you flew into a thermal? The cape would grab it and send you flying. Who knows where you’d end up? And if you’re walking, it’s like a constant tripping hazard.”

“... Maybe a short cape?”

I look at the small dragon. “A short cape on you? That’d be, like, a handkerchief. What would be the point?”

“Uhm... I could... uh...” He thinks it over. “Ah! I could turn it around and use it as a bib if I’m eating spaghetti.” He looks so proud of this idea that I’m not going to point out the silliness of it.

“Sure, why not? Anyway, I guess we both have a free day... whatcha wanna do?”

“Idunno... oh, hey, you can help me prepare for Nightmare night! It’s only a week or so away, after all.”

“Sure, though I have to warn you, I don’t pull out stops when it comes to Halloween, and your version of it won’t be any different. So what do you wanna be?”

Chapter 151

Spike thinks for a moment. “Uh, well actually I’m kind having a difficult time deciding...” He pulls out a roll of parchment and hands it to me. There are the standard things like ghost, mummy, vampire... Hmmm a draconic vampire. That would be pretty awesome to see... if Spike were a bit more imposing. I continue down the list, mentally marking a maybe on ‘vampire’.

Huh, he’s also got lich, explorer, dragon, spider, and ‘Frankemane’s Monster’. At least he got it right and didn’t put down ‘frankenstei-’ er, mane. I’ll get used to this eventually, but I fear that first I’d end up making the puns too...

I think over the options he’s come up with. “Hmmm, well it might be difficult with Rarity out of town. Whenever I made a costume I always had my mom help me. I’m not that good with... needles.” I shudder a little. “Is this all you could come up with? I’m sure there’s more options.”

“Well... uhm... I could be a... uh.. ooh! I can be an alien!”

“What kind of alien? A Grey? A Roswell? An LGM? A Xenomorph? A BEM? ‘Alien’ is like the world’s biggest umbrella term out there.”

“Oh... right. Sorry, I’ve read Buck Godot, I should know there’s tons of different types of aliens...”

“So what’s your choice? Slimy, scaly, big, small, fast, scary, disturbing, what do you want to look like?”

“Oh, now I’ve just got more choices! Dangit...” Spike puts his face into his hands as we arrive at the Library. “Ugh, I don’t know. Hey, maybe you could come up with something? Like, something from Earth.”

“Hmmm... maybe. We do have quite a few interesting cryptids to choose from. I’ll think on it.” Walking inside, I continue to ponder options. There’s a Yeti, but I don’t know where I’d get the fur. He could be an SCP, but a lot of those aren’t scary unless you know what they do...

You know what, I’m gonna try for the vampire one, I know plenty about vampires anyway. The fangs... easy, he’s a dragon. He just has to get into the habit of actually showing a bit of tooth for one night.

Should he be a ‘Clean & Fancy’ vampire or a ‘Messy Eater’ Vampire though... He clearly doesn’t seem to bothered by blood and such, but I doubt Twilight would go for it.

Alright, then we need a tiny cloak. Hmmmm... damnit, I don’t have any fabric, and the one person I know who does is gone. What could I do?

As I contemplate, sitting on the couch, I see Twilight idly working on cleaning the library, humming to herself as she simultaneously puts up some fairly basic and simple decorations, likely so they’re easy to take back down afterwards.

Shame you can’t just leave creepy decor around after the holiday if you live in a public place. Seriously, what’s the fun of decorating a house with creepy skeletons and tiny animatronics if people only see them for the two minutes they’re at your door?

“Halloween should be a week-long deal, it’d be so much better.”

Above me, Discord squeezes into the library via a knothole, and sets himself down ont he couch next to me. “I’m sure if I had any idea what that is, I’d agree with you, Anthony. So... what are we doing today?”

“Hmmmm. Well now that you’re here and I think about it, I could use your abilities. Not immediately, but on Nightmare Night. How would you like to be on my special effects team?”

“Oh? Well, you’ll need to start somewhere in the middle. What exactly is ‘nightmare night’? I haven’t exactly been very social in the last century, if you’ll remember. And even if you don’t remember, I suppose.”

I decide to describe the holiday in my own fashion. About the evil spirits, the purposes of the costumes, all the crazy stuff that was involved in All Hallow’s Eve before changing over the years. “Now kids dress up as whatever they want and go door to door getting candy in exchange for good behavior. We call it Trick-Or-Treating, because you either give out treats, or tricks will be played on you. At least, that’s Halloween. Not exactly sure how it works here, but the ponies call it ‘Nightmare Night’. I know it involves costumes, but I don’t know any similarities beyond that.”

Twilight calls over her shoulder. “It’s fairly similar, actually. there’s still trick-or-treating, though there’s actual rules for if somepony doesn’t give treats. Can’t get in trouble for pranking in response to bad give-outs, either! Also, it’s more about several myths created during Princess Luna’s imprisonment in-”

“Yes, yes, Twilight Spackler, go make use of your hot air to dry a wall.” Discord says, looking uncharacteristically disgruntled. Twilight and I both raise our eyebrows at him.

“Okay then. Moving on, I want to put on a show for the town, make this a holiday they’ll never forget. Feel like being part of that?”

“Hmmm... perhaps a chance to inflict a little creativity upon this town in a way that I can't get in trouble for would be nice...” Discord says, his brow still rather rumpled. He looks over at Twilight, who’s giving him a suspicious look. “Oh don’t worry, Twilight. I’m not going to cause any harm. In fact, I promise that no real living beings shall be hurt in ponyville on Nightmare Night. There. Now, Anthony, do elaborate. I’ve been stewing all morning, and I think I’m a bit overcooked.” Twilight rolls her eyes and goes back to decorating and cleaning.

“Actually, I have a bit of fine print myself. No members of the performance shall be at all responsible for any trauma or loss of bowel-control experienced by the audience because the show is too scary or awesome for their simple little minds.”

Discord grins widely. “Go on.”

Twilight quirks an eyebrow. “By ‘loss of bowel-control’ you mean...?”

“We are not liable if they shit themselves in public. I love this holiday to death and I’m not gonna cut corners or do anything halfway. This will be one hell of a show, and that’s just the way it is. After all, if it’s not scary enough to leave an impact it might as well be for any other holiday, right? This is about a night of fear, right?”

“Well... sort of? I guess its origins are founded on more of a freedom from fear through harmless shocks and surprises-”

“Close enough for me.” I say, and Discord smiles gleefully, glad we’re still doing this, and at full-force too. “Even if it’s not how your holiday works, it’s how mine does, and who knows? Maybe they’ll like it better?”

“But this is a special day for Princess Luna! What if you-”

“Invite her to be part of the show as well? I’ve planned on it since I met her in the dreamscape last night, I just haven’t asked yet because I haven’t gotten the chance.”

“Well, how do you intend to ask now?” Twilight asks as Spike walks past. Good timing, that.

“Hey buddy, I’ll make you a deal. You send a letter to Luna for us, and I’ll get you the best vampire outfit in the history of everything. Deal?”

“Sure! That sounds pretty neat. What do you need to send?”

“Hey! No bribing my assistant!” Twilight says, sounding indignant. Spike ignores her as he pulls out a quill and parchment.

“It’s not bribery if he’s agreeing, then it’s called ‘bargaining’.” I correct the now rather miffed unicorn. After I’ve dictated my letter and Spike has sent it off with that dragon fire trick that should totally just turn the paper into ashes but somehow sends it... I lean over to Discord and whisper the costume in his ear.

Grinning, he snaps his fingers and Spike is the spitting image of a vampire. The cloak is perfectly sized for him, and it sort of shrouds him when he pulls it around his front. His eyes seem a bit more... striking. I can’t seem to come up with a better word. But most notably, his draconic fangs are now slightly longer. When he pushes the cloak back, he even has green and red wings that are like a bat’s, but more scaly looking, though not exactly what I’d call ‘dragon wings’.

Overall, he looked awesome! He seems very impressed as well. “Wow guys this is incredible! I actually feel like the monster!”

I give him a large, knowing grin. “Ah, but vampires are not monsters. They are charmers, seducers, they are misleaders, and silent, mysterious, deadly creatures of the night. You find your prey, wait for them to show a moment of vulnerability, and then-”

Spike, looking super excited, and getting into character, has a rather predatory look on his face and hisses which sounds really awesome to be honest, though also a bit disconcerting.

“Just remember, you aren’t really a vampire. Besides, it’s not for a few days anyway.”

Spike nods and takes the cloak off which also seems to remove the other effects as well. He hangs the simple sheet of fabric on a coat rack and mentions how he can’t wait for Nightmare Night.

Now that I think about it, neither can I. Now, I need to collude with Discord. Heh, ‘collude’ is such a nifty-sounding word.

My plans with Discord are set and, halfway through our chat, Luna responded with a ‘yes’ and questions on what she would do. I have Spike send a response letter containing all the details she should know. Hopefully she won’t mind that I’d be scaring up her holiday. Not to mention scaring herself up a lot as well. Either way, our plans are set and we don’t have much else to do for the day.

Spike keeps eyeing the cloak pretty much every chance he gets. Magic clothes are cool. Magic costumes are even cooler.

“Hey, why can’t you guys do something like that? I mean, you can enchant fabric, can’t you? So why all the normal-looking costumes?” I’d gone through town and seen the few ponies in costumes early as is typical for Halloween... but none of them look as spectacular as that magic cloak Discord conjured up.

“Uhm, Anthony? Most ponies make their own costumes, and only one in six is a unicorn.”

“Well that’s no fun. Hey Discord, do you think we could help them out? After all, we want this to be a special night for everyone in town. Why don’t we add a little... realism to their costume choices?”

“Hmm... I like this idea. And then... the chaos will make itself! Glorious chaos! Yes!” Discord looks down from where he’d struck a dramatic pose. “Oh, don’t give me those looks, I already promised not to hurt anypony.”

I grin. “He’s right you know. The point of the reformation is to make him realize how chaos can be a good thing. If we say he can’t cause chaos at all, then that completely defeats the purpose. What, were you planning on pulling some kind of ‘reformation spell’ out your little books and just zapping the niceness into him?”

Twilight’s eyes shift left and right, and puts a pair of books on the shelf behind her, into the wrong spots. “Of course not, why would I do that? Heheheheh...” She smiles ingratiatingly at us.

I turn to Discord. “Forget the costumes, how about we make everyone actually semi-decent at lying?”

“Idunno, I’ve heard of poker and it seems that we might have an advantage.”

“I suppose. Anyhow, it’s still a few days before we can actually execute our little plan. What do we do in the meantime?”

Discord thinks for a minute. “Good question. What can we do that won’t get anyone so mad that they tell their pretty princesses on us?”

“You could try plotting and scheming out of the library?” Twilight suggests.

“But if you don’t hear our plans you won’t try and stop it. What’s so fun about doing something risky if there’s not even a little risk in it? Now I think I know how thrillseekers would feel if suddenly everything was legal...”

Twilight doesn’t even give me a good response.

“Well fine, party-unpooper. We’ll go off and have safe fun.”

We get outside and we still have the same number of ideas between us. None. “So... what would you do if you were bored?”

The Spirit beside me just sort of ties his long body into various knots, untying himself and reknotting over and over seemingly totally bored and with no ideas. “What can we do? The problem is I can’t go all out or we get in trouble, but there’s just no fun in doing something only part way!”

I sigh. “We could... give out free ice cream to the entire town and watch them deal with brain freezes. It’s not our fault they ate too much?”

“Nah. Literal frog in everyone’s throat?”

“Not sure how well Fluttershy would take the ‘live animals in peoples mouths’ thing. Also, choking hazard. If someone dies, then we’re screwed.”

“This is just unfair! What could we do without ticking off somepony?”

“Well, that secondary part kind of rules out just about everything I have from itching-powder rain to burning poop on their doorsteps.”

Discord gives me an odd look, one that is slightly disgusted. I explain. “It’s a form of revenge prank from back on Earth. I couldn’t come up with a second one myself.”

“Hmm... we could go hide candy in time-locked caches for the little ones to find. Candy with magical properties.” Discord suggests.

“Yeah, but there’s already a holiday for that, minus the magic. There’s gotta be something we can do. Everyone talks gibberish for an hour?”

“Nah, that doesn’t sound interesting. This is a first, I have nothing to do!”

“I miss videogames.”

Frightful Fun

Alright, now what to do? Discord’s occupied, Luna is off being cool, and I’m not sure if Twilight’s taking Spike trick-or-treating or staying home tonight.

I mean, I could check that party Pinkie’s throwing but that’s not until later. I like the holiday, but when I’m pretty much the center of attention the whole year round it loses something. Oh well, there are games to play I guess.

Well, there’s the bobbing for apples thing, but that’s just too easy. A few games of chance like on Hearts and Hooves but re-themed. And then... wait, what?

I walk closer and... what? They’re just... launching pumpkins. They’re using catapults so you can’t exactly miss, what’s the point? Just... launching something so hard that it splatters? That’s a death trap waiting to happen and they call me violent? All it would take is some stupid kid to get the bright idea to climb in and the next thing you know there’s more than just pumpkin guts all over the place.

Sighing, I turn to survey the other possibilities. There’s a mare in a spider-pony costume, running an arts and crafts station. There’s about four foals there, and they’re all working on things like large trick-or-treating buckets, or a few new accessories for their costumes. I blink when I see that the spider-pony mare is actually weaving something from her spinnerets, dexterously weaving into some ‘yarn’ to knit. I ogle a bit when I see it’s a straight-jacket, which gets passed off to a stallion in a ‘psycho’ get up, with some sort of ‘zombie’ theme going with it. I can see organs, ew.

Discord did a damn good job with the ‘costume’ things. This might not be so boring after all. That said, a lot of the children’s outfits aren’t that scary or interesting. I mean, you have all the standard kid stuff. Pirates, ghosts, all the generic halloween costumes.

I do see one thing that makes me shudder though. The CMC still dressed as Lock, Shock, and Barrel. Ohhhh man, this might not end well. If they start singing ‘Kidnap the Sandy Claws’ I’m having Discord pull the plug on this thing. I look at Noi and through a small tear in her Oogie-Boogie costume, she’s trailing bugs, worms, and tiny snakes. Okay, that is pretty awesome.

I continue on and see more ‘real’ costumes, and they do add a spark to the holiday. The monsters are definitely the highlights. Fluttershy, who took a lot of convincing to participate, actually seems to be having a good time. Keeping with the theme of Nightmare Before Christmas, I suggested she dress up as a character from the opening sequence, she took quite a shine to the ‘talking gallows tree’ for some reason. Granted the skeletons are replaced with large bats, but still, it’s pretty interesting.

Fluttershy plus Tree costume makes her look like some kind of druid or ent, but a pony. She’s being trailed by a bunch of her animal friends who have itty-bitty little costumes of their own and it’s super adorable. Except Angel. He’s dressed as... I can’t tell from here.

I get a closer look and the little bunny has a shine to it. A pair of literally glowing red eyes glare at me, and I recognize the miniature endoskeleton. Now I have to figure out who talked about the Terminator movies around him, and in such detail. And why Discord let him have a super-cool costume, too.

Oh well, as long as he doesn’t pull out a gun or something it should be alright. He’s just practically indestructible.

After a few minutes I see Rarity go by in a long, tattered blue dress, her body fading into a freezing-cold fog, as she floats rapidly away, hooves pounding the air as she ‘gallops’ away on a sheet of fog. Curious as to what has her ghostly self spooked this evening, I see a large stallion, painted yellow and chasing Rarity down, chanting ‘Waka-waka-waka!’

Well that was... random. Okay, I’m just gonna spend the rest of my time scaring the crap out of people. Not sure if Discord used his magic on me, or if it even worked. I mean, I put on my Rorschach outfit after he enchanted the town. Also, I’m kinda dressed as a human in a mask, so I’m not sure there’s any changes that could happen there.

Still, I do look pretty intimidating. I’ll just bide my time and scare folks until the party. Some foals are pulling random pranks on each other, and just having fun with their costumes. After a bit of watching, I see Clark, looking strangely normal, other than both his arms looking both demonic and a bit sleeker than I remember. As well, there’s an odd split to his lower lip, and he’s eyeing a stallion who has an evil glint in his eyes and a slingshot armed with a small durian. Oh geez, that’s a bit far for a prank, the foal could lose an eye!

Before I can react, the stallion fires the spiny fruit at one of the foals, thankfully missing. I’m going to teach him a les- wait, Clark’s moving to him, though the stallion is oblivious and loading another durian into his slingshot.

“Hey, buddy. Shouldn’t you be finding something less... hurtful to use?” Clark asks the pony, who finally looks up.

“That kid dropped a live spider into my trick-or-treat bowl! I nearly had a heart attack.” He says, as if that justifies potentially injuring a little kid.

“Too bad, it’s just a harmless spider. Leave the kid alone.” Clark steps forward, and I can see the ever-so-slight shimmer indicating some sort of spell on him. I’m guessing he’s got one of Discord’s costumes on, then.

“Not everypony likes spiders. I’m just informing the brat of my displeasure.”

“I guess you didn’t hear me. Allow me to rephrase. Fuck off.” Clark suddenly does something, and he sort of... splits down the front. His face splits open into a triangular maw of meat and teeth, one arm becoming a mass of reaching, bony talons, and his ribcage is just an over-the-top gorefest of red meat. It looks like something out of the theater arcades, like House of the Evil Dead, or something.

The stallion screams and runs away as Clark hisses, glaring red eyes visible inside the mouth, an utterly ridiculous placement for eyes. the stink of ammonia fills the air, and Clark folds back up, looking like himself again, and he snickers. The foals turn to look our direction, confused by the low noise and the resulting scream, but there’s nothing scary here now.

“Nice one!” I give Clark a high five. “So you’re going as a demon... That’s almost as bad as Spike putting ‘dragon’ on his list of possible costumes. I’m not sure that’s a good idea though, I mean, you’re trying to prove you aren’t all evil.”

“Pfft. It’s Halloween. Or, close enough, anyways. Besides, it’s all just a costume; Discord set it up. Also, nice concert, looked really cool.” He smiles broadly, the split in his chin disappearing as he takes off the glove on his left hand.

“Eh, just trying to do the source material justice.”

“Heh, well, you shoulda had me do Skellington. I’m tall and wiry enough for it.”

“Yeah, but you don’t look as sexy in a flaming Jack-O-Lantern.” I give him a playful punch on the shoulder.

“Says you. Have you ever been in a flaming jack-o-lantern and nothing else? You’d be surprised how many ladies you can get.”

“Pffft, all the ladies around here already want me. Gets kinda annoying, but they’ve gotten the hint that I’m not interested... though I still notice when they look at me.” As I say this a nearby mare immediately puts on a ‘who me’ face and looks in a random direction. “Yeah, like that.”

“Ah. Been doing some ladykilling, then? Never took you for the flirtatious type.”

“Flirting? Heck no, they’re ponies. I mean, yeah I guess there’s not a lot wrong with it but... I’d prefer a girl with at least some human features, y’know? Besides, I already got two in the running. What would I need a third or fourth for?”

“Cold nights?”

“Eh, Myrna and Anne are already pretty darn snuggly. It’s a teense worrisome in Myrna’s case but I don’t have a huge problem with it, just afraid that her ‘hugs’ might break something.”

Clark nods. “So... what’re you doing this evening? I’m trying to keep the ‘pranksters’ from going too far.”

“I hear Pinkie is throwing a ‘late night’ party. Since the parties I usually attend that she hosts are the kind with balloons, streamers and polka music, I wonder what she considers more mature. Assuming that’s what’s meant by ‘late night’ party.”

“Pinkie... that’s the nice one with the giant crush on you, right?”

“Crush? Whaaaaat? Pfffft, please, she doesn’t have a crush on me. Maybe at one point but I’m pretty sure we got that settled.”

“Uhm... sure you did.” Clark assents, and changes the subject. “Well... is there any chance you could let me use the sound stage or whatever you used to play that music? I kinda want to give it a try.”

I hand him the lyre, but with a warning. “This, like the sword, is another one of those artifacts. I’m sure you’ll be safe with it and all, just, y’know, it’s a really really big deal.”

“Wait... how does a harp do all that music?”

I shrug. “It’s an artifact of creation. I could just say ‘it’s magic’ but with the way Twilight acts about them I get the feeling they are way more than that. Anyhow, you just think of a song and start playing. Pretty simple really.”

“Huh... I need to go ask Discord for a favor, then I think I have the perfect song to play.” He waves for a sec, then turns and walks away. Oh, I probably should’ve warned him about ponies weird music tastes and reactions.

Eh, he’ll probably be fine. I mean, I play dark stuff all the time. What he picks couldn’t be any more panned than my songs.

Oh well, time to scare more children!

I use my intangibility to great effect, making me a really convincing ghost. Of course, any of the ponies wearing their own ghost costumes can do the same, but they don’t quite understand the finer details of being scary.

To prove my point to them, I look for a new target. A couple of grown ponies are walking along, a couple by the looks of it, given they are wearing complementary costumes. I walk up behind them slowly and sink down into the ground like before. It’s still a weird sensation, but this will be worth it.

I tap one of them on the back of the leg.

“Huh? What was that?”

“What was what?”

“I swear I felt something.” They continue on and I follow, repeating the process.

“Okay, you can stop now.”

“Stop what?”

“Oh come on, there’s nopony else here. You’re just trying to creep me out.”

“No I’m not.”

I give the guy another tap, clearly being able to see that his marefriend isn’t doing anything.

“What the-”

I grab his leg and pull it down into the ground and then let go. He pulls his foot out of the dirt and he and his mare run off screaming like banshees.

“And that’s how you do it!” I look around and realize they were right. Nobody was around to see that awesome trick. I wish I had a video camera.

I feel something tug on the back of my coat, and I absolutely don’t scream in fright. Besides, I was only mildly startled, not scared. I turn around, and see that it’s only a little foal. “That was cool, mister Anthony!” He’s dressed as a wizard of some kind, but with wings. I can’t see a horn under his hat, though.

“Thanks kid. I’m pretty good at scaring people. It’s an art that few take the time to master.”

“Well, I hope you have a happy Nightmare Night, mister Anthony! Seeya later!” He runs off, probably to raid more candy stashes.

Maybe at some point I’ll explain the subtle important parts of inducing fear to these ponies.

Chapter 154

Wandering to the center of town again, I see that it’s kinda crowded, with two bipedal figures near the stage. Alright, it looks like Clark is getting ready to start his song. I wonder what he’s going to play?

There’s already a small but growing crowd of ponies near the stage. Discord’s standing off to the side with a comically-oversized fireman’s suit and a firehose nozzle on the end of his tail.

Clark steps onto the stage proper, and looks around a bit awkwardly. He clears his throat, and all the ponies stop talking among themselves and pay attention.

“H- hello, everyone. I’m Clark, and I wanted to play a song for you all. It’s, uh... it’s from something in my past. I just wanted to say that Discord is helping me with costuming and effects, so none of this is real. I just think that Hal- er, Nightmare Night is the best time for a song like this, okay?” The ponies mostly nod and shrug. “Alright, I, uh... I’ll just start now.

I figure he’s going to play a rather dark song, and while I doubt it would be that bad, I think I should plan a sort of ‘recovery song’ for him just in case things get really sour.

He holds the Lyre awkwardly for a few seconds, before a green-and-brown gas vents from his arm, and a wooden guitar neck grows onto the lyre, making a passable imitation of an electric. What the heck? Could... could I do that? I guess I’ve never tried...

Holding it better now, he begins strumming, no soft leadup.

A sinister, raspy voice hisses at the crowd.

"Through you I am born...."

A pair of serpentine, chitinous shapes raise from Clark's back, and a mouth on his hand hisses,

"Yesssss... "

Clark rasps out,

"I am the butcher on your back,

I am your guide.

We never will be broken,

Never will divide."

The serpents on his back twine and coil, The two swapping who is saying which line.

”Soft touch, servant 

Toiler, tool 

Violent, vengeful

Callous, cruel 

Bicker, bellow 

Scream and screech 

Vicious virus 

Lurid leech”

Clark's demonic arm flares to life, screaming the next lines.

"BE MY PU~UPPET!!!!

BE MY PA~AWN!"

Clark begins to sing again, on his knees.

"Torn in binary divide

Everything I love has died

Faith will follow me no more

Sinful symbiotic core in me."

Once more, the serpentine limbs on his back begin swapping lines.

"”Blood red splatter 

Painful end 

My worst rival 

My best friend 

Hateful hunter 

Ally, aide 

Twin tongues twisting 

Be unmade!"

Clark struggles to rise, still singing, but the serpents push him down.

"Torn in binary divide

Everything I love has died

Faith will follow me no more

Sinful symbiotic core in me

Feel her closer..."

His arm growls back, "Too late.... LOVE DIES!

BE. MY. PU~UPPE~ET!!!!!!!

BE. MY. PA~AWN!!!"

Clark sings back, rising slowly to his feet.

"I am the butcher on your back,

I am your guide;

We never will be broken,

Never will divide."

The limbs coiling in the back dart in front of his face, trying to cow him back into submission.

"EMBRACE THE-

DARK!!! DARK!!! DARK!!!

EMBRACE THE-

DARK!!! DARK!!! DARK!!!"

"Torn in binary divide

Everything I love has died

Faith will follow me no more

Sinful symbiotic core in me"

Clark's voice echoes around the clearing, whispered and reverberated.

"Feel her closer

Symbiotic core in me...

Feel her closer...

Symbiotic core in me...

Feel her closer...

Symbiotic core in me..."

Clark finally finishes, using the demon arm to wrangle the serpentine limbs. He growls down at them,

"Now... you are mine...

Mine..."

He leers at the crowd, the cowed limbs retracting into his back, and he bows. I really liked that, but by the looks on the ponies, I decide now would be the time to save him.

I rush up onto the stage and grab the lyre from Clark, the neck collapsing to dust as it leaves his grasp. “Wasn’t that great folks? But before you give Clark your applause, we’ve got one more song for you all!”

Clark looks at me, a little confused. I respond quietly. “Just follow my lead, I’ll explain later.” I turn back to the crowd. “Alright, let’s begin!”

I reposition the Lyre in my grasp and begin playing the much more happy song. Clark singing the lyrics as it begins, he taking the role of the ‘big guy’ and me joining him as the ‘little guy’.

Afterwards, the ponies look almost... dazed. I think the mood whiplash might’ve stunned them.

Oh well, it’s better than having them all agree that my friend is irredeemable. Our audience still stunned but left on the ‘nice’ song, I grab Clark and drag him offstage quickly where I begin explaining the ‘harmonic magicks’ and ‘musical emotion link’ stuff.

“So you probably don’t want to play anything too dark or intense unless that’s exactly the result you want from them. They react a lot better to ‘happy’ stuff because it makes them feel happy.”

“I- oh... well, at least I got to hear some old music again. It’s been far too long.”

“Well with this baby,” I hold up the Lyre. “You can play anything you’ve heard before. Just tell it what to play and Harmony takes over. Just don’t try to piss off Harmony. It’s mostly harmless, but it gave me about ten minutes of painful Hell for screwing with it.” the two of us start walking towards Sugarcube Corner.

“So... it’s sentient? How’s that work? Or is the magical force animate through sheer belief? Would that make it a metaphysical avatar, or a true god, do you think?”

“No idea, but I know it exists, I just haven’t seen it, it just sort of... manipulated the world to form words. But it definitely understands everything we say. I figure as to how it exists... well if we have Discord around, the literal embodiment of Chaos itself... Well, every Yin has a Yang, right?”

“I suppose... and maybe that’s why it stay non corporeal? To maintain a state of antithesis to Discord?” Clark asks.

“Perhaps. I... actually don’t know their relationship with each other. Anyway, it’s only a few minutes until Pinkie’s Late Night party. I’ll probably play something myself. It’s a kind of tradition. Either way, I can give you an idea of when a certain kind of music would ‘fit’ or not. If you don’t know and are attempting to please the crowd, stick with upbeat happy stuff. They love polka.”

“Hmm... so maybe some Weird Al?”

“You know, I’ve been meaning to play some, but never found a good opportunity to. I’ll probably give it a shot, but with everyone in a ‘Halloween’ mood at the party, I’m gonna go with one of Disturbed’s more happy songs. It is a party song after all. Technically it’s just a cover, but I like it a lot.”

“Well... alright. Who do you think is gonna be there?”

“It’s a Pinkie party so... at this hour, anyone who’s willing to stay up this late. Given the holiday, I’d say... everyone who can make it. Or fit into Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie’s, like, more famous for being a party animal than one of the Element Bearers.”

“Huh...” He looks contemplative as we round a corner, Sugarcube corner visible. A crowd of ponies is mingling outside it, and inside as well.

“Yeah, she’s kind of a big deal. You want an audience for something, anything, she’ll draw that crowd in ten minutes. Less usually, but she can’t be everywhere at once.” I think back to that time she hired those wandering Changelings. “But she’s usually got a way around that.”

Clark shrugs, and we reach the edges of the outside crowd, and some pretty normal music is playing from inside the establishment already, but it sounds like it’s prerecorded as usual.

“Oh, one more thing. Be careful where you step if there are kids around. The place can get pretty hectic and, well... you get the idea.”

“Yeah. I used to have cats, remember?” He gives me a shaky grin, but it fades fast.

“Only cat I know of is Rarity’s, and that furball is a pain in the ass. Dunno how she can stand it. Who wants a cat that actually hisses at it’s owner for no real reason?”

“I have no idea. Apparently, Rarity, though.” Clark says as he starts wading through the ponies.

Speaking of, I already knew he was tall and all, but... ponies look at most as high as his belly button, but he’s moving through them like a ship in rough seas, rocking one way and the other, before slipping in between opportune placements. In fact, he’s making more speed through the crowd than I am, and the ponies aren’t moving for him any more than me, from what I can tell.

Oh well, It’s still a party, so that’s not a big worry. Not like either of us could get lost in the crowd. There seems to be a ring of children around Princess Luna, but as far as I can tell, they’re the only children present and these kids look about ready to pass out.

Clark has found a wall, and is practically glued to it, evidently uncomfortable, judging by his expression. A rack of bat-bearing branches are moving through the crowd, indicating Fluttershy being at the party. Which is weird, she normally hates big events like this, I thought.

Well it did take a lot of convincing to actually join in on Nightmare Night. Maybe her confidence expanded to this as well. Or she just stopped by to see Pinkie and is trying to get to the door, but having a hard time of it. I give it a pretty even chance of both scenarios

All in all, the party is pretty standard, except everyone is in costume. It seems Discord’s spell was temporary as all the ponies are just wearing costumes. I mingle for a bit, sample the themed treats, though I avoid the punch. I know it’s probably just punch, but no safe beverage should be that color of green.

After some time, the children have all been taken home to sleep, but the party is still going strong, Clark still trying to merge with the wallpaper. Why come to a party if you aren’t gonna do anything? Eh, his choice I guess.

A few ponies are starting to complain a bit since Pinkie’s run out of records to play and the latest one is just skipping over itself. Seems Pinkie didn’t plan out her playlist for a party lasting this long. She assures everyone that the party is almost over and seems a tad stressed. She rushes over to me. “Play something with your harp-thingy!”

“Play what?”

“I don’t care, you gotta help me!” I don’t see any reason to just let the last twenty minutes of the party be a total flop, so... That Disturbed song I mentioned earlier would work. I just make my way over to where the  record player is and, moving it aside, take it’s place, and begin to play. The sound of drums getting everyone’s attention rather quickly.

The energy-charged song gets the ponies moving, nodding, and -for a few- bouncing in place to the beat. As I play, I see Luna smiling at the stage, around eight foals passed out on her back.

My song over, I figure this party needs a little livening up even if it’s almost over. I wonder if Pinkie, knowing that it’d probably get so late all the children would have been taken home after a while, got anything more... mature for a party. As I’m thinking that, I see Berry walk up to the refreshments table with a small barrel and sticks it next to the oddly-coloured punch. Oh yeah, that’s more like it.

I wake up feeling really tired. Unless I’m mistaken, I’m still at Sugarcube Corner. Huh?

I feel something cuddled up next to me. I touch it and feel feathery softness. Guess Anne passed out too. I just keep petting her wings. They’re so soft and fluffy...

She murmurs and snuggles up closer to me. We lie there for what feels like an eternity, and I continue running my hands across the downy- What’s that noise? It’s like... Idunno. I open my eyes, still feeling rather groggy. I see a couple of blobby shapes that become a small group of smiling ponies. The sound is... snickering?

Meh, they’re just jealous... I move my arm around Anne’s waist and pull her closer to me and she responds by snuggling further into my chest. She’s so comfy and soft.

The snickering continues. I’m about to tell them to shut up when something catches my eye. Something blue. It’s Anne. Wait, she’s not...

I open my eyes wide in shock and pull my head back and scream. Rainbow Dash’s eyes shoot open and, seeing me and our ‘positions’ which leaves very little to the imagination, she screams along with me. We leap away from each other and our 'audience' begins laughing outright, and it looks like pretty much all the party attendees, roughly one-fifth of Ponyville, just saw Rainbow Dash and I practically spooning.

I try to change the subject to anything but what just happened and blurt out the first question that comes to mind. “So, uh... how’s things with you and Big Mac?”

Rainbow Dash, seemingly doing the same, responds just as quickly. “Fine! Fine, uh... I uh, wouldn’t want any other guy! Really! Heh heh...”

“Eeyup.” Said stallion, who was apparently watching, makes his presence known, and Rainbow Dash goes about as red as possible, practically an invert of her blue coat.

“I’ll... Igottago!!” Rainbow Dash, living up to her name, becomes a multicolored blur as she rockets out of Sugarcube Corner, leaving all the attendees, including Macintosh, laughing out loud once everyone gets their balance back, the building being shook slightly from Rainbow’s speed..

“I didn’t plan that, it was a total accident, I swear! No idea how it happened!” I say, defensively.

“I know how it happened!” Clark said, raising his normal arm.

Fluttershy, no longer wearing her tree outfit, stands next to him, smiling her small pleasant smile. “You two fell asleep at about the same time and I thought it would be just adorable to see. So we gave you a little... push.” The butter-yellow pegasus reveals. “Though the cuddling part wasn’t in the plan, you two did that yourselves. It looked soooo cute!”

“Uh, ‘Shy... I’m not sure if you ponies have the same body language but uh...”

“I know what ‘spooning’ is.” Fluttershy responds, blushing but still smiling a little. “But that was more of your decision really.”

“Not on purpose!”

“Heh, Rainbow Dash looked like a stuffed animal, but she cuddled back. It was so adorable.” Clark comments, smiling slightly at me, Fluttershy’s calm smile keeping me from smacking him.

“Seriously though guys, not cool. I’m all for a good prank but... really? With Rainbow Dash?”

“She was the only one asleep near you. Except for Caramel, but I figured you’d be a bit more freaked out over him.”

I don’t bother responding to that, though he is right. I’m fine with gays... I’m just not one of them. “Still... this never happened. At all. Never. Happened.”

Fluttershy just keeps smiling, but she drops something. It’s a photo of me and Dash ‘cuddling’. ‘Shy gives a horribly unconvincing ‘oops’ and picks it back up.

“Give me that!”

Fluttershy holds out both front hooves, hovering slightly to do so. “Give you what?”

Grumbling, I leave the party and, now that the ‘main attraction’ had ended, most of the ponies begin leaving too.

This party didn’t exactly go as expected...

Chapter 155

A few days later and it seems that my little ‘experience’ with Rainbow Dash at the Nightmare Night party has been totally forgotten. I recall that Fluttershy had that photo, but come on, Fluttershy wouldn’t do anything with it. She definitely couldn’t do it anonymously since a good portion of the town knew she had it. Besides, it’s Fluttershy; it probably wasn’t her idea to stage that in the first place.

I get up and walk downstairs to see Twilight already up. Eh, stranger things have happened. I get to the table and sit down with a book, when Twilight giggles. Must be something funny.

I continue reading but every once in a while Twilight just laughs again. “Alright I’ll bite. What’s so funny?”

Twilight gives me an innocent smile. “Oh nothing. I just never figured you for the type to try starting a herd is all...”

“What?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all.” Twilight chuckles some more. Okay, time to get to the bottom of this.

“What are you hiding, Sparkle?”

“Nothing, really! I didn’t write it, I didn’t even know about it *snicker* until this morning that is. So who’s next on your list?”

“Well what is ‘it’ anyway? Why would I try and start a herd?”

Twilight shrugs, still grinning. “I’m not sure, why don’t you ask Rainbow Dash?” She passes me a newspaper. The date on it says it’s from today. I flip through it finding nothing at all. But then on the third page, I see the photo of Rainbow and I at the party. Oh god. Fluttershy. She didn’t... she couldn’t!

“She didn’t.” The local news printer said before going back to work. “Haven’t seen ‘Shy since Nightmare Night. The fact that she actually went out was kind of a shocker. The boss wondered if we should’a printed that but everyone else figured it wasn’t big enough and we’d look kinda desperate. But then that thing with you and Dashie?” The pony whistles in amusement. “Now that sold papers!”

“But who gave you the photo!?” I was starting to get a little agitated.

“Dunno, I wasn’t here when it came in. ‘Sides, I just do the printing. I don’t choose the stories or the pictures.”

Goddamnit! I run out of the newspaper office place and start looking around, as if I could just find the culprit walking around. Suddenly Rainbow wings out of the sky looking pissed and holding a newspaper. “Why in the world would you do this to me? I haven’t done anything to you!”

“Chill Dash, I’m just as upset as you are! I was just trying to figure out who gave them that photo. Last person I knew who had it was Fluttershy but I got confirmation it wasn’t her.”

Rainbow Dash wasn’t really listening just reading and rereading the article over and over before she just reads the thing out loud. “Ponyville’s newest couple makes their move on Nightmare Night, as hero of Equestria Anthony ‘saddles up’ with daredevil speedster Rainbow Dash after a wild night at Sugarcube Corner and- and- Augh I don’t have time read this any more!”

She buries her face in her hooves as she rockets away, saying something about having very important places to be.

“So, two girls wasn’t enough for you, Playboy?” Myrna snides as she unfurls out of a tree practically like a liquid. “I thought you said you weren’t into ponies. Or where you just trying to sound desperate so you could get Anne and I to pity-date you?”

“Listen Myrna, I am not in the mood for this.”

“Oh come on it’s not that bad! You look good together. Besides, you both certainly look to be enjoying your nap. Now we just have to know when to plan the wedding.”

“I am not going to marry Rainbow Dash! Ever!!” I yell indignantly.

“Ooooh, moving straight into the kinky stuff, huh?”

“That was a setup! We didn’t know what we were doing! We just drank too much-” Myrna’s grin widens further. “And passed out! We were moved into that, it wasn’t our choice!”

“Well, then maybe you should watch what you drink. Y’know, like generations of college kids have either learned to do or dropped out from failing to do.”

“A few months ago I outdrank an entire barroom! I didn’t think I could get wasted so easily!”

“And you didn’t think to ask what was on tap? C’mon, Anthony, even I know to ask the bartender what the free drinks are.”

“Oh shut up. I’ll just wait for next week when this whole thing blows over. Pretty soon everybody will wise up, or forget that this ever happened. In the meantime, I’m gonna go have a chat with Fluttershy.”

Myrna wiggles her eyebrows. “And by chat you mean...”

“Interrogation! I’m not gonna- Augh! Women!”

I walk through Ponyville, heading for Fluttershy’s cottage. Normally the long walk wouldn’t be so bad, except now pretty much everyone I pass either laughs or gives me ‘meaningful looks’. Fluttershy didn’t have the photo after I saw it. She must have passed it off to somebody. But who?

I get to Fluttershy’s door and, as usual, Anne answers. She sees me and gives me a look I can’t quite describe... but she does let me in. Fluttershy’s out back dealing with some animals so I’m left in the sitting room with Anne for a bit.

“Sooo... you read the morning news I take it?”

“Oh, yes. Rain on thursday, with light showers, and saturday it’ll be clear again. As well, a decent chance of a certain star-cored human snuggling with a national hero. But that was only page three, so it must not have been too important.”

I sigh. “Listen, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. Granted I kind of expected something like that to make front-page.” I shake my head and get back on track. “That entire fiasco was staged. Dash and I had a bit too much to drink, we both passed out, and some wiseguys had the bright idea to put us together like that. Fluttershy had a photo of it, the same photo in the paper. I’m just here to find out who she gave it to, because she only had it for about five seconds.”

I take a deep breath and continue the last, most important bit. “I have absolutely no interest in Rainbow Dash whatsoever, and I bet she hates the idea more than I do.”

“You certainly seemed to be enjoying it then.” Anne points out, an eyebrow arched.

“For the record, I was only somewhat aware of what was going on. I felt feathers and... thought it was you...”

Anne’s eye go wide, and her face goes bright blue. “Oh... Well, if that’s the case, I would’ve come to the party.”

“Well, actually I hadn’t really planned on anything like that happening, it just sort of... did. Again, I didn’t even end up that close to Dash as I recall we were... moved. I admit I was pretty okay with the whole deal when I thought it was you, but waking up... kinda changed that. Quite a bit.” I decide that this has gotten awkward enough so I change the subject. “So what’s Fluttershy doing back there?”

Anne seems to also be desperate to avoid the subject and is... polishing herself with some kind of liquidy stuff. Whatever it is, it hisses slightly on her feathers, little puffs of smoke rising every so often.

“Uhm, well... she’s helping some of her animals. Apparently, a timberwolf mauled a giant spider, and now she’s tending to the spider.”

“Timberwolves are... wooden constructs here, right? Like made of actual timber... What do they eat?”

“From what Fluttershy said, apparently magic. They’re forest magic or something in a wooden body, and they eat magical beings to replenish that. I think. It might be they plant seeds in bodies or something, I’m not sure.”

“So... a predatory creature that is not prey to any carnivore, putting it at the top of the food chain. I can see why they’re dangerous. Not like Ponyville needs some form of apex predator coming out of the woods. I wonder why they aren’t coming down here and just eating the magically-saturated ponies like a buffet?”

Anne shrugs, not really having an answer and after a few more minutes of waiting, Fluttershy comes in. “Sorry for taking so long.”

“Yeah. Now down to business: Who did you give that photo to? Apparently you didn’t turn it in, and that means someone else did. If that picture never existed none of this crap would be happening. So who was it?”

She gives me a look of perfect innocence, eyes huge and adorable as fuck. “But- what photo, Anthony? I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“The photo I saw you had at the party that mysteriously is exactly the same as the one that was submitted to the paper. That photo. I’m glad that you got into pranking finally, but... there’s a fine line you need to learn. I’d be happy to educate you as long as nothing like this happens again. And you tell me who you gave the picture to.”

“But Anthony, I never took any photos at the party!”

“But you had a picture for five seconds, dropped it, picked it up, and then you suddenly don’t have it. Who took the picture isn’t the problem. I want to know who had it last!” Even as I get more and more frustrated, I see Anne on her perch, covering her mouth and trying not to laugh.

“Anthony, calm down. I know you’re upset about everypony finding out you think Rainbow Dash is cute, but you don’t need to yell.” Fluttershy still has the ‘butter wouldn’t dare melt in my mouth’ expression.

“I don’t think she’s cute, damnit! I have absolutely no interest in that pegasus, any more than any other pony around here, I just want to know who submitted that picture!”

I hear a throaty, deep laugh from across the room, and see Discord reading the third page of the newspaper. “Anthony! You never told me Rainbow Dash was your beau! How could you keep such a juicy secret from your best pal, Discord?” He grins far too smugly at me. So help me, if he’s the one who gave the photo over...

“It’s not a secret!” I pause for a moment to register what I said. “I mean-”

“Well, it’s not a secret any more!” Discord says, guffawing, even Anne and that traitor, Fluttershy joining in.

“Look, guys, just drop it for a sec, alright? Fluttershy, I don’t care how you got the photo, I just want to know what happened to it after you had it.”

Fluttershy slowly stops laughing, wiping a tear from her eye and trying to quash her smile. “Hee, heh, alright, heh, Anthony. I gave it to-”

Tales would later be told of the scream heard as far away as Appleoosa, chilling and terrible in its fury.

The scream shook snow from the mountaintops, and scared many a foal indoors midday.

“CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRK!!!”

Chapter 156

"Come on man! I'm fine with a harmless prank and all, but really? Did you have to do that? I have an image to uphold! And so does Rainbow Dash I guess. There’s already been enough stuff before this that one could figure I have a thing for her already... which I don’t.”

“Oh, c’mon, Anthony. It’s not like you’re doing anything that would get you in trouble in that photo. And besides, I figured you’d be fine with a little publicity... it didn’t even make front page.” Clark responds, smiling openly at me.

“While I am used to getting more attention than ‘page three news’... I’m not gonna try anything with her. For one, she’s already taken. I’m just glad Big Mac isn’t angry about it.” I imagine me in a fight with Macintosh, and it does not go well at all.

“Dude, Big Mac was in on it.”

“Yeah, lucky for me that’s the case. Anyway, I’m just glad that news dies pretty quickly around here. But if I wake up with another pony, I’m gonna have to do something you’ll regret.”

“Oh, fine... I’m going to go hang out with Fluttershy, then. Twilight seems busy, so I’ll leave of on the Q and A sessions for now.”

“Alright. Oh by the way, don’t forget to keep practicing with your powers. I’ve passed up on opportunities before and... well, I’ve burned quite a few things on accident.”

“Ah, will do. I’m sure Twilight has a good handle on scheduling, so I’ll talk with her later.”

I nod and he leaves. Great, now what is there to do? I suppose I could wander around town, see what’s going on. I pick up the newspaper I had and take a look at the front page. I suppose I should get in the habit of checking news... it’s just I’m used to it always being so boring and pointless.

...and they decide some sort of flower or something is endangered or whatever. Fantastic... These ponies sure are weird. What goes on in the rest of the world? Flipping through the pages, I come across nothing of note. Celestia mentioned something like a human coming by and attempting a takeover... where’s the stuff like that? If they don’t post the big important things at all, she can’t exactly give me crap about not paying attention.

Oh well, guess I might as well see what Pinkie’s doing. Nothing else to do unless a giant monster attacks or some person who hates someone here comes by and wants revenge. Why is this place only interesting when the weirdness magnet is turned on?

I head to Sugarcube Corner and don’t see her around, so I ask Mr. Cake, who’s behind the counter. “Sorry, she’s been acting odd lately. She comes by to sleep when it’s already dark out, and first sign of morning she’s already gone out the door. No idea where she’s going.”

Hmmmm. “That sounds a bit odd. I’ll look around for you. She’s... probably alright just... planning something big?”

Mr. Cake shrugs and I go off to search for Pinkie. Luckily I only have to ask one pony and I’m directed to her. She’s standing in front of a mailbox, opening and closing it and seemingly more disappointed each time she opens it, as if the act of closing it would make something appear inside. This seems a bit weirder than ‘Pinkie being Pinkie.’ “Hey uh, Pinkie? You feeling alright?”

“Shh! I’m waiting for the mail.”

“You... do realize that the mail has to be delivered before it shows up in the box, right? Until a mailman comes, that box is going to be empty no matter how many times you open it.”

“Yeah! But I can’t miss it, incase one of the mail-ponies is a ninja!” Pinkie continues to stare into the box, opening and closing it.

“If one were a ninja, I’m sure there are higher-paying jobs than delivering mail for them to use their skills on. Now come on, what are you waiting for? You order some parts for a bigger party cannon, or is it some pen pal you haven’t heard from in a while?”

“I haven’t heard from Rainbow Dash since this morning!” Pinkie says, and in any other situation, I’d think she was just being facetious. Now, though? She looks uncharacteristically heartbroken. Did... did something happen to Rainbow since I saw her this morning?

“Uh, what’s the big deal? Did she take a trip somewhere?”

“Well yeah, but I haven’t heard a word about her all day! She said she would write!”

“Chill Pinkie, it’s Rainbow Dash, I doubt anything could happen on the day she leaves for... whatever. Give her a week or something. Besides, I doubt that mail service is fast enough to receive, process, and deliver a letter all on the same day.”

“But what if she just isn’t sending a letter? What if she never will, because she’s forgotten about us!” I feel a tad worried about the hyperventilating Pinkie, taking less time between checking the box and closing it than before.

“Do you really think that she’d forget about us in one afternoon?”

“She might if she passes training and becomes a Wonderbolt! We may never see her again, she’d end up going all over Equestria and forget all about us! Do you know when the last time the Wonderbolts came to Ponyville!?”

“Uh, n-”

“They haven’t! If Rainbow gets accepted, she’ll probably never see us, then she’ll forget us!”

“Woah there, calm down. I’m pretty sure it would be hard for anyone to forget us. Wait, Wonderbolt training? Is that what she’s doing? Like, applying to join them? That’s awesome!”

“Yeah, and I’m really happy for her, but what if she sends me a letter and I’m not here to get it? Then she might think we forgot about her!”

Normally I’d ask her if she was crazy, but this is Pinkie and I kinda figured she was already there. It just seems that she’s taken a few more steps into the metaphorical deep end. “Calm down Pinkie, I’m sure we’ll be able to get her letter and reply before she thinks we’ve abandoned her. Let’s just take a few deep breaths, okay?”

Pinkie just starts hyperventilating again, with gusto.

“Not quite what I meant by deep breaths. How about we go get some ice cream or something? Calm down a bit.”

“I- I-” her shoulders sag and she lets out a sigh. “Yeah... that’s probably for the best.” she mumbles.

It’s taken quite a while, but Pinkie has calmed down a bit. It’s easiest to tell by the fact that I’m not imagining I can hear her heartbeat doing a gatling gun impression. That can’t be healthy, Pinkie or not. Anyway, once the bucket of nerves has calmed down, she’s back to being... relatively normal for Pinkie. She’s still worried about Dash. Why? If Rainbow Dash can take me in a fistfight, why would she have trouble with anything short than constant physically abusive military training?

I relay this fact to Pinkie who thinks about it for a minute. “Well... I suppose, but who knows what Wonderbolt training means? What if it is like that?”

“Then why would anyone want to join?”

Pinkie pauses for a minute and decides to go with the classic ‘my mouth is full’ excuse by shoving the rest of her ice cream into her mouth and shrugging. That must be cold!

Sure enough, the second it starts to melt in her mouth, she’s got that ‘I’m trying to smile through excruciating pain’ look. That must be one bad brain freeze. With her face turning a bit goofy from the winces, twitches, and forced smile, I find it a bit difficult to not laugh, though I am trying. She finally finishes it, and looks back down at her empty bowl.

Sighing, I continue to eat my ice cream at a normal pace. I’ve wondered if I can use my heat powers to negate a brain freeze, but I’ll save that test for later. “So, Rainbow Dash is basically living her dream. Good for her and all, but what makes you honestly think that just because she’d be famous, she’d forget about her friends? Fame gets you a lot, but real friends are not one of those things. Besides, who could possibly replace you?”

Pinkie looks off to one side. “I guess... well, I suppose you’re right. Uhm... what do you have planned for today?”

I shrug. “Nothing really. Not much to do around here. For me that is.”

“Well... we could always have a little party! You and me, playing games and stuff! It’ll be fun!”

“Alright, sounds fine with me.”

After our little two-person mini-party, Pinkie comes up with an idea to go see Rainbow Dash rather than waiting for a letter. I figure if it’ll help her from going back to living next to that mailbox, it’d be fine. So now me, Pinkie, and the rest of us are all in a balloon ride up to see Rainbow Dash. I don’t get what Pinkie’s deal is. I mean I saw her just last morning while investigating the Nightmare Night photo thing. Being up in the clouds like this reminds me of my time in Chickago, how I basically ruined half a city’s life...

“Here, have a cupcake!” The pastry is deposited in my mouth before I can respond. Mmm... chocolate, my favorite. How does Pinkie even do that?

As the balloon continues, I get a bad feeling about all of this. I’ve never been that big a fan of heights, and I’m willing to bet that falling right now would end up with all of us in a very messy puddle on the ground. The wind shifts a bit and I swear the balloon is about to go down and I grab the nearest thing. Twilight pushes me off, telling me to calm down. “It’s just a thermal, stop being such a foal.”

As if in answer, the entire balloon shudders, and I fall to the floor of the basket from the sudden movement. I hear Fluttershy squeak in fright, and turn to see what’s frightened her. I hear myself echo her as I see one of the most awe-inspiring and dangerous weather patterns known to man:

A tornado.

Unlike what the movie Twister would lead one to believe, tornadoes don’t roar. Victims of them, however, do scream. I latch back onto Twilight as if she could somehow do something to stop it. “We’re all gonna diiiie!!!” The wind and flying bits of small debri shred the skin of the balloon, and I feel a flying something cut my cheek in passing. 180 MPH debris and I only get a cut? No way, the next one is going straight for my gut, I know it!

I watch as everyone, including myself, is flung out of the basket and tossed into the air. I feel the wind rushing past me, as if some outside force is pushing me towards the ground faster than terminal velocity would allow. This is it. This is the end to my story. I’ve faced all kinds of things, and a long fall is what kills me! I... I wonder what my tombstone will say? Will I get a tombstone? Will we all share one because of the group death?

Slightly above me is Twilight obscuring the sun and looking utterly surprised. Her expression is actually rather comical, but it’s little comfort for my imminent demise.

I catch a glimpse of Fluttershy, a long, shallow cut along the top of her head leaking a thin ribbon of blood, and her wings askew from the gale-force winds.

There’s a pink hoof wrapped around my leg, and Pinkie’s terrified face is visible slightly behind and below my shoe. In spite of the dread she must be feeling, I find myself oddly... calm. Composed. All the fear has... drained away.

I guess this isn’t the worst way to go... and I have wondered what it would be like to go skydiving. I shut my eyes tightly and metaphorically embrace the rushing wind, waiting for the final impact. Then everything stops. I hit! I’m dead, I’m... wait, how could I hit that fast? We were a good hundred miles up, weren’t we? I hear flapping and grunting and then I feel actual ground under me. Cautiously I open my eyes and realize I’m on some sort of... runway. The world pulls out of the odd ant-in-molasses perspective.

“What?”

There’s a very tired-looking pair of pegasi in a uniform I vaguely recall to be similar to what Rainbow described as being Wonderbolt flight suits. They... saved us? I can’t believe it! I’m alive! I’m alive! I’m holy mother of god I’m bleeding like a waterfall!

The ‘cut’ from my cheek seems to be a large gash and I instantly regret feeling it, as I now know that part of my cheek isn’t even attached to me, and there are small cuts all across the rest of my body. I look like I got attacked by an army of ants with paintball guns; random red splotches of blood all over me. It’s... warm. Uncomfortably warm.

It’s about this point when I realize that there’s a pony in a white uniform, a red + on the uniform. As well, the pony’s speaking.

“-eed medical attention? Sir? I’m not allowed to help if you don’t answer me.” The EMT looks rather worried, and is looking over my head.

“Y- yeah, I- just... I’m not actually dead right now, just for confirmation, right?”

“You’re alive, yes. But you need to get those cuts and scrapes checked; you can get infected from debris lodged under the coa- er, skin.”

“Sure, you do that... I’m gonna take a nap now.” I lay back and stare at the sky, my eyes refusing to close. But I feel so tired... but I can’t... can’t slee-

Chapter 157

Once we’ve all been checked over, patched up and given the okay, we just kind of stand on the somehow-paved cloud runway. It occurs to me that I have no way of standing on clouds, but the simple application of another surface on the cloud, another seemingly impossible feat, makes it totally safe for anyone to stand on. How does one make a cloudbank not only stay stationary, but also support an entire building? Why didn’t I think of this while I saw it in Chickago?

You know what, I’ll just ask later. Right now we’re waiting for... Rainbow Dash I guess. The care package we brought with us had some clothes in it which Rarity begrudgingly sacrificed to patch up our balloon so we could get back down to the ground safely. Apparently Rainbow had some business to take care of.

Speaking of, she’s trotting towards us, a rather... unidentifiable look on her face. It looks somewhat familiar but I can’t quite tell why. Whatever it is, it’s not a pleased face. She just kind of walks past us, muttering that she’ll see us back in Ponyville. She gets to the end of the runway, speeding up, and takes a literal flying leap off into the sky and then dives down, rocketing towards the ground. What’s up with her?

A moment later that one Wonderbolt whose name escapes me but I know has something to do with fire shows up. “Hey, Rainbow Dash came this way right? She didn’t... leave already, did she?”

After an explanation of what we know, Fire-whatever just sighs. “Oh well. That’s that I guess.”

She wishes us a safe return and walks off, a much more ‘serious business’ face on than the first time I saw her. She also had an interesting navy-blue uniform, like a war-pilot commander would wear. She even had some pips and a medal. I knew she was like this huge celebrity or something but... dang. Our brief meeting with the Wonderbolt over, the six of us hop in our balloon and head back home, along with a few pegasi as escorts in case of another accident.

“I’ve never seen Rainbow Dash like that before. Okay, I have, but something about this time seemed a bit more... important.”

Applejack agrees with me, as does everyone else. We all turn to Fluttershy. “You’ve known her longest, any idea what’s going on?”

Fluttershy just gives a quiet reply that we just interpret as her having no idea. Touching down, we fan out to search for her. We at least know she’s in Ponyville. Walking around a bit, I find her outside some restaurant, looking... really bummed. I honestly can’t think of a better adjective at the moment.

I sit down at the table, taking the seat across from her. She’s got her muzzle half-buried in a dish of what look like cheese curds. “Hey there. Wanna talk about it?”

She makes a grunting noise which I read as a ‘no’ and slumps further into her dish. “Then I’ll come up with my own story.” I think for a minute. “You were the best one there and all the other participants wanted you kicked out so that they’d have a chance.”

“Pfft, I wish!”

“You didn’t botch it on your first day, did you?”

Rainbow pulls her head out of the dish, a bit of cheese sticking to her snout. “Heck no! I was totally on my game from the start! I just....” She trails off, her expression slumping again and she plants her face back in the dish. I now notice there’s six others just like it, all empty and off to the side.

“You know, eating all that cheese will give you a lot of problems. Well, more like one big problem.” I get another grunt and a stink eye in return. “Come on Dash, what could be so bad that you turn into... whatever’s in front of me right now?”

“I quit.”

“What was that?”

“I quit, alright?! I quit Wonderbolt training!”

What? But... wasn’t being a Wonderbolt her life dream? Like, her overarching goal? “Why? Why would you want to quit?”

“I didn’t really want to, but I had to... It was against my principles.”

Suddenly I get it, even if I don’t know the whole story. “Something happened you were supposed to agree with, something that you saw differently. You knew it was wrong, but you had to go along with it. You couldn’t go along with it. It wasn’t you... so you left. You’d rather be a quitter than-”

“It... wasn’t exactly like that.” Rainbow admits, interrupting me. “But... yeah. Lightning Dust kept... overdoing things. It got dangerous and I was supposed to be her wingpony! She was supposed to lead me around! We passed each test better than everypony else, mainly because we sabotaged them and...We almost killed you!” What? She winces and continues. “That tornado... that was us. We just... I had to draw the line. I couldn’t be a winner who hurt others, even if I was the best. So... I told Spitfire I quit. I told her why, but... I quit.”

“Rainbow Dash, I want you to know that, while you may never be a famous celebrity, you did the right thing. There’s nothing more important than standing up for yourself and speaking your mind. If you see things that you can’t abide, then say something about it and damn the consequences. You may regret it, that I won’t deny. You may spend years regretting every word you said, but you still did what you felt you had to, and that makes the difference. I’m on your side of this Dash, and not just because you’re my friend.”

Rainbow is staring down at her dish of cheese curds and gives a small smile. “That sounds pretty stupid, but... thanks. I really needed that.”

“Yeah... wish I had someone to tell me that years ago... who knows what might’ve happened?”

“You wouldn’t have wound up so darn ugly?” Dash smirks, her mood definitely having improved.

“At least I’m easier on the eyes, Miss kaleidoscope hair! Where’d you get dye that lets your mane do that, anyway?”

“Dye? I’ll have you know this is all natural!”

“Wow, what’d your mom drink when she was pregnant? Skittle extract?”

“Shut up, you’re just jealous ‘cause I have a special somepony and you don’t!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

Once everyone has gotten together, Rainbow Dash fills us in on the whole story. From what I can gather, Lightning Dust was the reckless and careless type, the kind who only cares about being in first place and miles ahead of everyone else, no matter what. But to be positioned as the leader, and making Rainbow the ‘helper’? Lightning must have been good.

Pinkie seems the most sad, and she just keeps talking about how we should have gone sooner, and that we should have been there for her. I remind her that it’s not our fault as it was impossible for us to know. “Besides, we can’t just know we’d have to be somewhere whenever something happens. That’d require absolute precognition or omnipresence.”

“But we should still try to be there!”

Rainbow Dash pulls Pinkie into a hug. “And you were. Okay, I kind of stormed off on you guys, but... you were there. And if you hadn’t been in danger, I’d probably never have the motivation to give Spitfire a piece of my mind and call out Lightning Dust. You were there when you needed to be.” Pinkie gives a look of uncertainty for a moment but then she smiles and pulls us all into a big group hug which I find very fluffy and warm.

After the hug ends and Dash looks a lot more cheered up, we just go off to do our usual stuff. But for me, that means nothing at all so I just hang around with Pinkie. When we’ve sat down and are alone, serious and worried Pinkie comes back. “I still think that we should have been there for Dashie. I mean, we’re her friends... I can’t help but-”

“Pinkie, calm down. Everything’s fine. Yeah I know you feel obligated to be a good friend and all, but what you’re suggesting is crazy. Even for you.” I mutter the last part under my breath and continue. “You just can’t know every event as it happens. As I said, that would require some form of omnipresence.”

“What’s that mean though?” Pinkie looks at me quizzically.

“Omnipresence means literally being everywhere at once. Being present for everything at every moment. It’s impossible. You could try to do it with super speed or teleportation, but that doesn’t work as you still spend some amount of time not being somewhere. Every nanosecond, every sliver of a moment you spend not being somewhere counts against omnipresence. It’s not just seeing everything at once, you’d have to be everywhere at once.”

Pinkie gives a wistful sigh and nods. “I just wish there was some way for us to cover everything. There’s so much we miss and overlook. What if there was a way for somepony to be everywhere at once?”

I think that over for a moment. “Well, if we had a numerous enough mass of people spread out, paying constant attention to their every surrounding... I guess that would be a way to attempt omnipresence. It would certainly be a good try, but you’re the only one I can imagine who has enough energy for constant vigilance, and we’d need a lot more than one pony.”

Pinkie looks like she’s thinking hard on it, but after a while lets out another sigh, this one a bit more disappointed. I figure I should cheer her up. It’s what she’d do for me, after all. “But we don’t need that. Sure you can end up late for something, but you can always try to fix it or make up for being late. Don’t worry about things like that. Everything’s fine now and that’s what’s important.”

Chapter 158

After a while of idle chat, Pinkie looks up at the sun and gasps. “Oh no I forgot I agreed to babysit today I need to be there in two minutes bye Anthony!” She jumps up and dashes off, leaving me feeling like I just caught the tail end of a conversation I was supposed to be a part of.

What? Babysitting? Pinkie’s a babysitter? What just happened? ...Is that Applebloom, dressed up?

I figure I might as well see what’s going on, not much to do after I was just kind of... left here. Standing up and making my way to the filly, accompanied by her sister, I figure I might as well ask rather than find out myself. “So what are you guys doing? What’s with the get-up?”

“We’re going to meet mah cousin, Babs!” Applebloom says, practically imitating Pinkie from sheer excitement.

“She’s from th’ big city, Anthony. She’s takin’ some time with us to relax, away from all the hubbub.” Applejack explains for me, still motoring on with Applebloom in tow.

“Which city?”

“Manehattan. She’s a relative of the Oranges, specifically, but we’re all family.”

“I’ve been to Manehattan once. Place looked pretty nice. Though I get the whole deal of wanting somewhere like Ponyville to stay for a while.”

“Ha, well, ain’t nothin’ like the country. Anyways, I’ll be pickin’ up the other crusaders on th’ way there. You up t’ helpin’?”

“Sure!”

The kids are getting a little rowdy and AJ has that ‘tired parent’ look that I never thought I’d sympathize with, but with these three, I understand completely. The train finally comes by and Applebloom, being a little too excited, needs a bit of calming down.

Soon though, a sort of tannish-brown filly with a mane that looks dyed and natural at the same time steps off one of the cars and we all get to meet Babs Seed. Holy cow, that is an accent straight out of a bad city movie... she sounds like a very small, feminine gang member from West Side Story. That is adorably awesome.

I don’t have anything to do so I figure I’d stay for the whole meeting and then some. Although I must say, the kid certainly is trying to put on the ‘tough new kid’ attitude. She looked at me and looked like she was about to scream, but now whenever she looks at me, she’s got a ‘meh’ face on like I may as well be a rock on the side of the road.

Then the reveal comes out that Babs doesn’t have her Cutie Mark and the Crusaders start with their recruiting schtick. It’s pointed that I’m a member too, and Babs looks at me like I just said I was going to marry a opossum. “Can ya even git a Cutie Mark?”

“If it does happen, I will be very very surprised. But I figure why not? The other members sure are fun!”

I see her flinch a little, her tail covering a flank. It’s adorable, and probably similar to a little kid wringing their hands. But, she looks thoughtful.

Along the way back to the Apple farm, the discussion turns to a parade that’s gonna happen in a few days. I figure there’s more interesting things to be doing, so once I get a look at the party float, which is a giant pumpkin, I head out to see what else is going on.

On my way back to Ponyville, I see Diamond Tiara and her gray lackey walking towards the barn as well. I’m not entirely sure what to think of this. I mean, I’m pretty sure I scared Tiara out of bullying, and the Crusaders know that if she becomes a problem they can just tell me.

Considering the little pink filly to be a potential annoyance, I hang back a bit and wait for the two to get inside the barn, giving them a minute. Then, I walk up and, leaning by the side, I hear the conversation. Typical bully fare. Insulting their latest creation/attempt/whatever and calling them stupid, all that junk.

Then they start on Babs. The hell? I decide to intervene. “So let me get this straight. You are now picking on some new kid who just showed up today and has done nothing at all for what reason?”

Tiara, turning around after realizing that just because you pass someone doesn’t mean they are gone, starts stammering a bit. “Here’s a choice: leave my friends alone, or you’ll have to be identified by dental records.”

Clearly they don’t get the actual meaning of this, but the threatening tone I use, on top of being much taller than them makes me seem very dangerous, so Tiara and her lackey run off as fast as they can, Babs offering a ‘An’ don’t come back!’

I give my usual spiel about how being a Blank Flank can be a good thing and fate and freedom and all that stuff I’ve explained three times now. Babs seems to take to my words pretty well, and I think it’s gonna stick with her. I think she could be a good influence on the other kids. I figure my work here is done, so I return to my trek back to Ponyville.

A thought occurs to me that I haven’t checked in on Ren since she was targeted for assassination and I’d been depowered. It’s been quite a long time since then. I should probably head over to make sure Hell hasn’t broken loose. And to make sure she knows I’m not dead or something.

Making my way towards the Everfree forest, which is on the cardinal complete opposite end of Ponyville from where I am, I get a lot of time to think about what could have happened. Maybe with me gone, Ren was killed by one of her remaining siblings? Or she’s doing just fine and is ruling unchallenged. Either outcome is just as likely and I’ve been MIA for a few months now.

Once I’m in the forest after a very long walk, I make my way to the hive, noticing the sparse beginnings of a sort of trail to Ponyville, like the way to and from the hive has been seeing more traffic lately. Guess Ren is trying to get Changelings acclimated to Ponyville. Though Ponyville getting acclimated to them might be difficult. Oh well, I guess I can offer some suggestions for that.

Getting up to the hive, I duck into the little entrance cave and I notice that the hive is much better lit all over now, with some sort of glowing plant strung around the walls. Probably some weird vine from the forest. Once I’m through the short entrance cave, I come to the main chamber that has also been renovated, now it looks more like the foyer of a large mansion. As well, there’s dozens of changelings in the main room, making it seem much less abandoned than before. There’s no trace of the chamber I blasted previously, just a smooth transition to a large ‘vault’-style door..

“Well, the place certainly looks less threatening. Planning on inviting some ponies over? See if you guys can actually drop the disguises for once?” My question is just kind of aimed at the various Changelings who’ve noticed me.

“Er, not really... but I think the Queen is more comfortable with the trappings of pony life than of being a changeling.” one of the many black-carapaced workers informs me, before going back to... whatever it was it was doing previously.

“Good enough for me.” I take a look around and, sure enough, the place does look a lot more like a home than a dungeon or just a sort of... well, cave. Though everything is still made of that odd not-stone hive material.

The changelings are definitely keeping busy, just kind of looking at me in acknowledgement and going back to work, whatever their job is.

After a bit, I get to Ren’s room. Walking in the oddly doorless area, it does look more like a teenager’s room if she could have whatever she wanted, rather than the ‘queen’s chamber’ style Chrysalis had going. She’s on the bed looking over a kid’s book.

“Well, I see you aren’t dead, and you didn’t even need me around. Maybe you don’t need as much protection as we thought. The place looks great!” Ren looks at me, her face lighting up. after a moment, she launches herself at me, and tackle-hugs me, knocking me over.“Great to see you too!”

You know, it’s odd. All the changelings are like this weird insectoid creature-pony and are kinda weird. And yet Ren somehow manages to be, for lack of a better word, cute. How does she do that without trying?

“Anthony!” Ren exclaims, nuzzling my chest with more enthusiasm than, I think, my return warrants. Still, it’s nice. Once she’s done, she looks back at my face again, smiling widely. “I’ve been so lonely without you. The others d-don’t understand, and now that there’s no other noble bred like myself, I just don’t know who to t-talk to.”

“Well, I could suggest you appoint some changelings a higher position, put more tiers between ‘queen’ and ‘drone’ but I’m not sure how well that would go in the long run.”

“Oh, silly. ‘noble-bred’ refers to queens and such. It’s biologic-cal.” she gingerly gets off my chest, letting me sit back up. “And there’s more than just ‘drones’ for everybuggy else.” I take a few moments to do my best to not burst out laughing at just how silly ‘everybuggy’ sounds and urge her to continue. “There’s workers, soldiers, infiltrators, and gatherers. ‘Drone’ is a gender.”

“Well, see what I know? Anyway, are the infiltrators the ones that are wandering around Ponyville? I don’t see many, but that could just be good disguises.”

“Actually, those are gatherers. They are bred for having more capacity for raw love, and they transfer it back in shifts. They give it to me, and I convert it to royal jelly. Which then gets, er, ‘processed’ into more refined versions. Infiltrators are like the spies in James Bridle.”

I correct her in the only way one should. “Bond. James, Bond. Anyway, I guess they don’t really have much to do since I can tell you don’t really need an espionage force.”

“Well... most of the ones here are dead, and I don’t know how to make more. I wasn’t exactly given an explanation. And most breeds are made by specific efforts by the hive, and the processes are passed down the generations. Each major hive has a different variant, but hives are so rare... one of my remaining infiltrators actually mentioned meeting a member of a hive from Zebrica. They’re more openly known there, apparently.”

“I’m probably suggesting nonsense, but if you contact the Zebrican hive, could you ask their queen to explain the processes for certain breeds to you?”

“Well... I don’t know about specifics, but I wouldn’t want to seem like I’m prying, and it supposed to be a big secret and stuff...” Ren sort of waffles on a bit more, not really making a point. However, I can guess she means she’s not really willing to try.

“Well, I’m sure it’s worth a try, isn’t it? I mean, the worst that can happen is she says no and you move on to other business, right? Unless asking for help from another hive is some kind of taboo as well.”

“I don’t really know. And that’s the problem. What if they take it as an act of espionage, and attack? What if they just think I’m weak, and attack? What if they-”

“What if you explain your story and they take pity on you and help you? It’s not like there’s any reason to attack someone if you know they don’t know they are being insulting, right? I’ll go with you if you want.”

“Well... actually, the soldiers won’t let me leave. They say it’s because I’m kinda the last chance the hive gets, or it all falls apart and they die.” She finishes the sentence looking rather glum.

“Hmmmm, well I could go on my own, but I know less about the changeling culture than you do. I might say something wrong. Well, the problem is that if you are just cooped up here all the time without learning how to do... anything really, then you’re just kinda biding your time until you die and then everyone else does. Can you afford not to try asking for help?”

“Well... yeah. I mean, we’re trying to come clean, so I don’t need infiltrators, right?” She gives me a hopeful smile.

“Well, I suppose, but I think there’s another problem. I mean, it might have just been Chrysalis overproducing them as pawns, but... Now that she’s gone there seems to be a lot, well, fewer of you around. That’s... normal, right?”

“Actually... we’re severely overpopulated. We’ve put a rather large strain on the surrounding wildlife. I, uh... kinda need to try having some noble nymphs soon. I just- I just can’t though. I’m too... scared.” She looks like she needs a hug.

Hoping that it’ll at least cheer her up, I wrap my arms around her. The feeling of chitin on my skin still a very odd one, but not entirely bad, just... odd. Still, she seems to appreciate it. “Well, I know of an old human solution to overpopulation but... nevermind.”

“Really? What’s the solution?” Uh oh, she seems rather hopeful...

I wince and metaphorically bite the bullet. “Find the least helpful or useful of the bunch and kill them off...” Ren’s face immediately contorts into a fearful expression. Right... Chrysalis probably told her she was among the ‘least useful’ grouping. “But as history has shown, humans aren’t the best race to learn from. Okay, we’re pretty much the high-overlords of scientific discovery, but we still don’t exactly have everyone’s best interests in mind, much less those of our own race. We do have plenty of good apples, but they aren’t enough to make a cultural turnaround.”

“... I have no idea what to say to that.”

“Congratulations, you have just made the most human reaction possible to that information.”

“...” I think I broke her.

“Yeah, we’re kinda... the opposite of ‘normal’ or ‘natural’. Sometimes I wonder: If we had more people like King Solomon and the like... would we have become more like the ponies? If our higher-ups all thought that violence was the worst option and every problem had a non-violent solution... it just baffled me as to what we’d end up like, but seeing the ponies... I think I have an idea of what the result would be. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing to be honest.”

“Well, they have very few wars, that’s for sure. They’re better at politically and economically outmaneuvering their opponents than facing them directly. I think it comes from being a prey species.”

“Yeah, humans, while they are prey to quite a few things, we are most definitely apex predators. But from what I can tell, that doesn’t matter anymore, as humanity has pretty much ceased at this point. Come on, let’s think of a solution to your problem.”

“Well... if I do end up with some noble nymphs, the hive will schism naturally when they grow old enough, and then the splinter clusters will fan out, try to spread out over as much area as possible. That’s something I learned from a travelling cluster about half a year ago.”

“I might have met them. And they had a nymph with them... but no queen that I could see. But if they have a nymph, they probably know how to make more, right? We could ask them, couldn’t we?”

“Er, well, I know how, I j-just, I can’t-” her breath hitches a little. “I just can’t.”

“Well, I sure don’t know the first thing about parenting, especially for changelings, so I’m out of advice. But the first step to any problem you can’t solve yourself is to get help.”

“There’s, uhm, plenty of offer to help with the m-making part. But...”

“I’m sure there is, making a kid is pretty easy. Raising it is a whole other can of worms that I don’t even know how to open. Too bad the ponies don’t know much about changelings, they’d probably have some kind of parenting guide.” Ren just shudders. It’s really too bad, I think there’s probably enough changelings here who’ve worked as babysitters and whatnot to have picked up at least a rudimentary knowledge of what to do. There’s an idea. “Well, why not ask your own changelings for help with the ‘raising’ bit? Sure they aren’t exactly trained in it, but they seemed to at least understand basics. They have a nursery set up and everything.”

“I- I wouldn’t have any problem raising the nymphs. I- I rather like little ones.” Well then, what does she have problem with?

“So the problem is finding the right guy?” I honestly can’t think of anything.

“Well... no. Not- not quite.” She looks really uncomfortable for some reason.

“Well... I’m actually out of ideas. I’ll think on it, but I guess I’ll see you another time. Cheer up, alright? I’m sure there’s some easy fix that we haven’t thought of yet.” I give her another hug and leave her room, Ren looking still rather depressed.

I need help, but who could I ask that would know what’s going on? Someone who’s familiar with changelings and is close enough to Ren, too. Oh... duh! I look around for a random drone and figure I’d ask it what could be Ren’s problem. “She seems to have some issue with some aspect of mating and I’d like to help, but I can’t figure out what the actual issue is. You got any ideas?”

The drone just shrugs and goes back to work. Damnit, I’m not going to just give up on Ren. I keep asking around and I come to one who’s pupiless eyes actually show some sign of understanding what I’m asking.

“Oh, uhm... from what I hear, she get’s pretty close, but stops right before anything, er, ‘happens’. I think it’s got something to do with having a drone on top of her.”

It’s a subordination issue? She doesn’t seem to be that greedy about her position as queen, why would she have a problem with... Oh. Right, she was pretty much treated like dirt by her own mother, and she doesn’t want to be a sub in any way. “Well, why can’t she be the one on top, y’know?”

The drone looks at me like I grew a second head. “Uh, I don’t think the ‘equipment’ is built that way.” And then it hits me. They’re all quadrupeds. ‘Doggy-style’ is pretty much all they can do. Well if there’s one more thing humans are known for inventing, it’s crazy sex positions... Sighing at how the disturbing nature of human sexuality is going to save this hive, I make my way back to Ren’s room and start thinking about ways that a pair of quadrupeds could pull off a ‘girl-on-top’ position.

(Un)fortunately, I’ve spent more than my fair share of time on the ‘bad’ end of Deviantart and actually have a few ideas, which I attempt to relay to her after explaining the reasoning. “So... the idea is that you, uh...”

Ren looks at me rather confused.

“You... the guy’s, like, on his back or something? And then you kinda... just... uh...” By the growing confused look I’m getting, I can tell I’m doing an awful job. “Ugh, just... get a guy in here and I’ll...” I shudder a bit. “Show you.”

Needless to say, it was much easier to show than tell and I’ve got Ren and her partner... situated. I decide now would be a great time to leave for a bit. I can’t believe I am saving this society with the power of humanity’s perverted nature...

After a while of sitting in the foyer area, I see the drone Ren had chosen walking out from her bedroom looking... pleased. Facepalming at the embarrassing notion of this whole ordeal, I wait about a half hour before going up to see Ren. I figured I’d give her time to... whatever girls need to do.

I get to her room, and find that she’s basically passed out and... oh jeez, that’s a mess I didn’t want to see. Or smell. Oh man, the smell...

I make a run from the hive before I gag or anything, I think I’ll come back sometime after not this century.

I’m walking back to Ponyville and talking to myself. “So what’d you do today Anthony?” I mimic some random person’s voice. “Oh nothing much.” I respond to my fake voice. “Just taught a changeling queen how to have girl-dominant sex, you know, nothing major!”

I stop when I realize that someone actually heard that. Twilight looks deeply disturbed and curious, and slowly levitates a quill and scroll out of her bag. Oh no!

Chapter 159

I managed to escape Twilight’s various questions. Apparently, when she’s in full-on scholar mode, she’s immune to embarrassment and asks some really uncomfortable questions.

It’s kinda weird how she can be super emotional, or the typical ‘scientist’ type at random intervals. I have a feeling there’s more stuff in her head than just lack of social interaction... but then, that could be said for pretty much everyone around here. Or it’s just that they’re ponies. I guess I’m the weird one.

Well, as long as I don’t wake up to an angry mob wanting to burn me alive, I’ll be fine. That said, I could certainly go for some human interaction. I seek out Clark and find he’s with Fluttershy again. Is she, like, the unspoken babysitter of all the newcomers? I mean, Anne, Discord, now Clark... Eh, guess it’s just coincidence.

“Hey, Anthony. How’s it been?” Clark asks, sitting on Fluttershy’s couch with the aforementioned pony on his lap.

“A bit hectic. Nothing I can’t handle, but... I guess I should introduce you to the rest of the ‘people’ I know around here. It’s kinda weird how much stuff I get myself wrapped into.”

“I can understand. There’s a surprising amount of folks who just need a little manual dexterity to fix a bunch of problems. I’m trying to form something of a ‘nest egg’.”

“Okay... sign one that I’ve been off Earth too long. I can’t even remember what that phrase means...” I roll my eyes at my forgetfulness. I guess I really have been gone longer than I thought.

“It’s not actually that common of a phrase, regardless. A ‘nest egg’ refers to getting money together so that you can metaphorically leave the nest, and set up elsewhere. Used to refer to people who’d make a fortune and then set it aside for their kids to be able to go to college, start their own jobs, etcetera.”

I nod. “I know a few jobs I can do but none of them speak to me. Even the ones that I quite literally have an affinity for. Is there a phrase for a skilled person with no idea what to do?”

“Yeah, it’s ‘bored’. Or ‘vagrant’, depending on how bad their situation is.” Fluttershy shoots him a mildly disgruntled look at the comment.

“Yeah, you’d know a thing or two about vagrancy. Funny, between now and then... I think I’m the only one in our old circle of friends that was never technically homeless.” I think about what I just said. Clark also looks thoughtful, but also more dour. “Well, I mean, I guess technically I started without a home, but with total weather control, no pollution, and everyone being a good person twenty-four/seven... being homeless isn’t that big a deal, I suppose.”

“Yeah. Oh, that reminds me, d’you think Twilight has any contacts in Canterlot? I hear that’s the capital and all, and I need to ask some high-up questions.”

I give him a look, but then recall that he’s still kinda new around here. “Well, she’s kind of important I guess... Considering she’s the star pupil of one of this nation... country... whatever you’d call Equestria... anyway, Celestia’s her teacher and Twi’s basically taken the term ‘Teacher’s Pet’ to a whole new level without actually being a pet...”

Fluttershy looks disgruntled at me, and I roll my eyes. It’s all true, and I’m not going to feel bad about saying it.

“Well, let’s hope she’s got some contacts with the lower and upper nobility. There’s questions I need answered, and nobody around here is properly situated to answer them. Anyways, off of business. You gonna go to that parade-a-ma-jig in a few days? I hear there’s a bunch of homemade floats involved.”

“Maybe, I don’t really know what the parade is for, but I guess I might. Not really much else to do around here. Though Canterlot is even worse... unless you’re rich, a pony, important enough, and you have a stick up your rear.”

“Now now, not everypony in Canterlot is stuck-up.” Fluttershy counters, sounding vaguely miffed, “There’s just, uhm... a lot who are.” Fluttershy squeaks out the last word, and Clark scratches her behind the ears, resulting in her metaphorically melting on his lap.

“Yeah, so far I know three Canterlot ponies who are worth talking to. Aside from them and the princesses, it’s not the most friendly place. I’m not even really sure what the main populace thinks of me...”

“Well, you’re probably alright, given that I keep hearing good things about you from every single pony in this town.” Clark responds. “And I mean that almost literally. There’s only been a few who don’t like you, of the ones that’ll talk to me.”

“Yeah, let’s compare country-folk to high-class city-folk. I’m sure they have the exact same feelings and attitudes. Because, you know, since when has there ever been class separation?”

“What, class separation? That’s totally not a thing.” If Clark dripped any more sarcasm, he might dye Fluttershy’s coat with it.

“Anyway, I guess if we’re gonna head up to Canterlot, we may as well talk to the princesses. I must say one thing though, Celestia... isn’t as worth meeting as her sister is.”

“Oh? Hmm... well, I was planning on asking Twilight about that. Still, seeing as how she’s reigned the longest consecutively, I’ll want to speak with her anyways. Say, speaking of going places, where all have you been to in this wide world of ponies?” Fluttershy’s feathers are slightly poofy as she snuggles into Clark’s lap.

“Manehattan for community service... I can explain later. I was also in Chickago for a while, but that’s outside Equestria. There are obviously more places, but I’ve only heard of them.”

“Huh. So, what you’re saying is, you have a vast pool of powers that could aid you in just... traveling. And you’ve never just taken a sprint down the tracks to see another city? Asked for some aluminum shoe inserts, and taken a gander at Cloudsdale?” Fluttershy fluffs her wings as Clark shifts in his seat.

“No... I haven’t. I’m actually not big on moving around much unless I really have to. Most places I end up going to I don’t exactly enjoy myself.”

“Well, that’s a shame. Anyways, what’cha want to do for now? I think Fluttershy’s asleep, so that kinda limits my movement for now.” He shifts in place again, and I hear soft purring-like sounds from the butter-colored pegasus.

“Yeah, ponies get like that when you pet them. I think it’s got something to do with the fact that they can’t do it themselves or something. Whatever it is, it’s probably the same reason as with cats or dogs.”

“Makes sense. Ah well. Hey, I have something for you to do, a few days after the parade and stuff. I’m working on something, and Twilight said I’d have to send it someplace in Canterlot. Might you be willing to take it up for me?”

“Hey, you know me. I’m always up for a sidequest or two.” I grin. “What’s it for?”

“I have some ideas about a few things from earth, but I don’t have the equipment to look it over here in Ponyville, even with the disgruntled scientist in the public library. Twilight said there’s a lab she often sends things to that can do what I need.”

“I just want them to invent the electron microscope. Then I can laugh in Twi’s face when I prove they exist.”

“Assuming they do exist here. Ever thought that ‘elemental particle’ might be a bit more literal here than earth?”

“Well, I suppose, but come on, it just makes more sense. Maybe they’re doing what we did and call it magic since it can’t be seen? Heck, I’m pretty sure there are a few folks who still believe that diseases are contracted simply by having bad karma.”

“According to Twilight, they’re either caused by insect bites, or by dangerous magical spirits. Considering that some of their diseases have active magical effects, and some can even cast actual spells, according to the texts I’ve looked over... there’s apparently a parasite that can cast better than a unicorn and drains its host’s magical pool to do it. Y’know, things like making a shield to protect its host or fireballing everything its host can see, stuff like that. I’d dismiss it as excuses, except that there’s been rabbits, earth ponies, and even an infection of a tree by this parasite.”

“Still, until they disprove scientific facts with solid proof, I’m gonna keep on thinking that magic isn’t the answer to everything.”

“Alright. Oh, did you know there’s some kind of real ecosystem with rock-creatures and plant-creatures included?”

“Not surprised. I’ve been told of tecto-rantualas and timberwolves. I’m willing to bet there are other forms of rock or plant creatures around.”

“And apparently, there’s something that eats the Timberwolves. According to Twilight, they don’t actually eat, they just put seeds into fresh fertilizer- the freshly killed variety.”

“No worse than Australia.” I hand-wave his comment with a grin. “Anyway, have you seen Discord around? I haven’t seen him much lately.”

“Last I saw, he was gagging and retching at me and Fluttershy being snuggly here. He said something about needing some brain bleach, and then poured apple juice on his head. Then he left.”

“Sounds like Discord alright. Oh, have you met Babs? I’m pretty sure she’s staying for a few weeks.” I explain my meeting with her at the train station.

“The little brown one with the pink bowl-cut? Yeah, I’ve seen her. Thought she was local, alright. I still don’t know the kids around here too well.”

“You haven’t even met Cheerilee yet, as far as I know. Well anyway, Babs is Applebloom’s cousin and it seems she’s been recruited into the Crusaders as with every markless new arrival. Still, I kinda like Babs, I think she’ll make a good impression on the rest of them. Certainly more down to earth for one thing.”

“Well, that’s good. They seem... energetic. I hope they can hold onto that if they grow up.”

I roll my eyes. “I sure hope not. Can you imagine a bunch of grown ponies trying to launch paint out of a cannon?”

Clark thinks it over for a moment. “Not sure about ponies, but I think I remember hearing something like it from some frat boys a while back, before everything... happened.”

“I tried talking them out of firing that cannon.” I sigh. “Didn’t work, Discord had already hyped them up too far. Those kids are crazy sometimes.”

“Sometimes? I think you’re underestimating. Oh, have you seen Anne lately? She’s taken to heading out whenever I show up here. I hope I’m not disturbing her.”

“If you mean you haven’t been seeing her around, then she’s probably still around. She has this weird power that makes her invisible or something. She’s probably around, you just don’t see her. She sometimes doesn’t notice that it’s on, but she can still hear and see everything. I doubt she’s running off on you.”

At this point, the front door of the cottage opens, and Anne steps in, then looks around at the assembled folks around the living room. She glances at Clark, and strides upstairs as fast as her bird-like legs will allow.

“Or she’s just being antisocial... No idea what her problem is, honestly. I doubt she hates you though.”

“Uh-huh... well, I guess I should go, then. I’ll just wake Fluttershy and get up. Seeya later, Ant- er, Anthony.” He gently sits up, sliding Fluttershy to the couch to let her lay down on his warm spot.

“Wake her? Hey c’mon man, don’t tell me you forgot about this already?” I spark up and go intangible, pushing a leg through the chair I was sitting on.

“Eh, this works.” Clark says, having moved Flutters already, and she simply snuggles into the depression on the couch, curled into a little fluffy ball of feathers and fur. After a moment of looking at her, he turns and leaves, a look I can’t parse on his face as he does.

I figure I should get an answer about Anne being so evasive, so I walk up the stairs to chat about her ‘people issues’.

Chapter 160

Anne’s sitting in a side room, using her feathers to holding knitting needles and yarn.

“So you going to explain why you avoid my best friend, or are you going to join Applejack in the ‘unexplained hatred’ club?”

“I- I don’t hate him. I just don’t like him.” Anne says. Then, she adds somewhat caustically, “I don’t have to like everyone, do I?”

“No, but I would like to know why. It’s the arm, isn’t it? You see him, and all you can think of is that he’s going to turn into a monster and-”

“No! I just... I can’t help but think of the people I’ve lost, Anthony. You look, you see a friend in trouble who needs help. I look at him and all I can see is my parents. Filleted in front of me, and given to me as clothes, before I’m told to run. And I did.” She breathes deeply, and looks around, before covering her face, her knitting forgotten. “And then, in the middle of running, I trip, and then I woke up in that weird, crazy place. And then I’m there for I-have-no-idea-how-long, seeing dozens of ponies come and go, some of them staying and becoming the queens they tried to supplant. Over and over again.” Anne sobs a little, choking off anything else she has to say.

I wrap my arm around her carefully, hoping to comfort her without cutting myself. The clinking feathers feel soft as goose down, but it never hurts to be careful.

“I know you went through hell... but Clark isn’t like the demons, and him being around isn’t going to make you go back to Wunderland or Earth. You aren’t the only one to have issues with him, but... he’s not a problem, and I’m going to prove that... somehow.”

“Doesn’t make the memories go away...”

I sigh, cringing. “Give it a few years. Soon you’ll start forgetting. True they’re mostly intact, but I can just kind of... feel memories fading on rare occasions. Dunno why. I just hope I never forget anything important about myself.”

“Yeah...” Anne whispers, resting her head on my chest. I can feel the tears from her eyes on my shirt.

I start rubbing her back in an effort to console her in some way. “Yeah life’s still a total bitch... but I have a feeling the really hard stuff is over. At least for some of us.”

I nearly jump out of my skin as Fluttershy exclaims, “D’aaaahw! You’re so cuuute!”

“Jeez ‘Shy! A little warning please?”

“Oh! Oh my, I didn’t mean to interrupt you two... you can borrow my bed tonight, I’ll go sleep at Twilight’s.” Fluttershy leaves in a hurry, a huge blush on her face. I look down and realize we’re on Fluttershy’s massive bed.

Wait... she knows she can always sleep on the couch... why would she have to leave... It takes a few moments to realize that Anne and I are alone in bed together, it’s late, and Shy seems convinced we should be a couple. Eh what the heck? Anne’s pretty soft... at the moment.

“Uh... uhm...” Anne stammers. “I’ll go sleep on my perch.”

“Aw come on, I’m not gonna bite.” At Anne’s continuation down the stairs, I sigh. “Alright, suit yourself.”

It’s been a few days and the entire time I kept hearing things about the Crusaders. I figure they’re just being overzealous now that they have a new member and that after some time it’ll all calm down. I mean, what’s the worst that they could be trying? Most of the dangerous things I can think of, they’ve already tried. I guess everyone is just a little nervous about them as normal.

I’m lazing about as usual when Cheerilee of all ponies comes up. Isn’t this a school day? And she looks stressed.

“Heya Cheeri. What’s the rush?”

The mare looks around frantically but settles on me with a ‘it’ll have to do’ look. “Oh I’m having some trouble with the kids. Big trouble. Normally I’d settle it myself but... I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve honestly never heard this argument angle before. Can you do something?”

“Sure.” I figure she’s just overreacting, but I head over to the schoolhouse anyway. When I get there, I see the typical bullying scene but... it seems like it’s most of the class against the Crusaders. That’s a bit- the hell?

I see Scootaloo push a kid over for seemingly no reason. The Crusaders are being the bullies? This just confuses me. I can’t really think of anything to do so I just stay back and listen to what’s being said.

“Come on, leave us alone. Please?”

“Why should we listen to you?”

“Well...”

“We can do whatever we want! We have the power to shape our own future and nopony can tell us what to do, because that’s our choice!”

What? I keep listening and I just keep hearing the Crusaders saying things about how they are in control because they don’t have their Marks, and that they have some twisted form of ‘freedom’ because of it.

I said those things to cheer them up, I didn’t mean that they should be bullies.

It continues on and on about how they’re declaring that they are in charge and the like, because they have free will to choose their own paths while the kids with Marks are what amount to slaves to fate and that makes them inferior.

Ooooh boy, this is trouble. I’ve heard enough, I’m gonna stop this... but how? I can’t just make threats again, that’s what started this whole thing. Gotta use words, but I need to choose my words carefully.

Okay... here goes everything. I take a deep breath and get in what has become the beginning of a very one-sided brawl. “I would like an explanation of what’s going on. Calm the heck down!”

“We’re being heroes, like you!” Scootaloo says, chin up and a wide smile on her face.

“Yeah, we’re done taking it from everypony else!” Noi and Sweetie say together. “We’re tough and we take no guff!” Sweetie adds.

Babs comes forth and says, “When we was getting picked on, we never gotta break. But then you showed us how ta take care a’ bullies. And we’re gonna be just like ya! You gets results.” She smiles confidently at me, shifting a mean look to one of the other foals. The poor kid backs away.

“That’s not what I said you should do, I meant- I meant-” Awwww shit! “Uh...” What can I say to defuse this? I could say ‘violence isn’t the answer’ but I pretty much live by the exact opposite.

“You girls can do anything you want... so why are you choosing to be bullies?”

“We’re not bullies, Anthony! We’re leading, like you do!” Scootaloo corrects me, poofing out her chest proudly. I don’t think she understands the difference here. ‘Bloom, though, looks a touch conflicted.

“I’m not a leader I’m an enforcer! There’s a huge difference! Why do you want to spend your futures being bullies?”

“We aren’t though!” Noi says. “We don’t have our Marks yet, so we can do anything we want with our future at any time!”

“Our future ain’t set in stone! Whatever that means” Applebloom adds. Well, it looks like she’s the least convinced about all this, but the others are nodding.

Oh boy, now I think I get what Cheerilee was talking about. This is delicate. I just turned the Cutie Mark Crusaders into a gang of rebels... with a cause. And a bad one at that.

“Let’s just calm down and talk this out, alright? There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

“Talkin’ never works, though. You proved that with th’ demon-thing ‘Bloom’s told me ‘bout. No time t’ talk, just get the message across!” Babs says. “No biggie, and the problem’s wiped.”

Okay, I need help. Big help. I rack my brain trying to come up with someone who can talk some sense into these kids. Who can stand up for themselves without being a total jerk? And who would they listen to?

I got nothing. “Tell you what? Let’s just calm down a bit, call this a victory, and move on to something else?”

“First, we gotta dessert-” -Sweetie corrects Scootaloo with ‘assert’- “right, assert ourselves! We’ll be just like you, Anthony, isn’t that great?”

I think hard on this and come up with only one thing to say. “No! That’s not great! That’s an awful idea! Look at me! I cause just as many problems as I fix!”

“But you still get results, and you fix the problems anyways! And now we’re fixing our problem.”

I’m starting to panic a bit. “Aren’t there more fun things to do with your freedom?”

“Yeah, but business comes before fun, and we have some business to settle with these bullies who ain’t gonna bully us no more! Ain’t that right?” Babs finishes her argument by corralling a little blue pegasus filly who was trying to escape the little roundup the Crusaders had forced their classmates into.

“Right!” The other Crusaders reply in unison as they step closer, making the group of kids squish into a tighter bunch.

I look at the kids who are ‘cursed’ with their Cutie Marks. I always said things about how Cutie Marks were pointless and stupid, and now it’s rubbing off on impressionable children. And the kids look scared. “And just how many of these kids actually bullied you? Do you think they deserve this, even though they haven’t done anything wrong?”

“Well... no...” Scootaloo starts, I think I’ve finally gotten through to- “But if we give them a reason not to bully us, then they never will!”

Goddamnit... I am the worst role model in the history of role models. Come on brain, think! “Well, what if you keep doing this and you get your Cutie Marks for it? What then?”

“Well... that’s impossible, isn’t it?” Sweetie thinks out loud. “I mean, we’ve been trying to get them for years with no luck, and if we stop trying to get them, then it’s even less likely we’ll ever have them, right?”

Cheerilee steps in, and I metaphorically cling to the berry-coated life preserver. “Actually, most ponies get their cutie marks when they’re looking for them least, girls.” Her voice is calm, but concerned.

“Uh, yeah. So what if you do get your marks for this?”

Noi thinks for a bit. “Then doesn’t that mean that our special talent is standing up for ourselves? That’s what we’re doing after all.”

I resist the urge to face-palm. There’s no telling now what they’d think of that. “I...” I got nothing. I honestly can’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t be misinterpreted. “I...” I turn around, and heave a defeated sigh. “I’ve never thought I’d be this disappointed in my life.” I start walking away. “And I can’t tell if I’m more disappointed in you... or me.”

Chapter 161

I can’t really think of anything I can do to fix the problem, those kids are twisted. As much as I hate being a snitch, it’s the right thing to do here. Gonna have to round up the families.

The closest place was Scootaloo’s house, but I get no answer when I knock. Parents must be out or something. Oh well, next closest place is Carousel Boutique. I’ve never been of the idea that a sibling should take the role of parent, but since I don’t know where their parents are, Rarity is the best available option.

The next closest place is the mug, then the acres. Gonna have to be a bit more careful with Berry and AJ.

Leaving the Boutique, having explained simply that Rarity should meet me at the schoolhouse, I head for The Frothy Mug. Entering, I sit down in front of Berry. “There’s something I need to tell you. Noi’s in a bit of... trouble.”

“Really? She’s been so upbeat lately... she hasn’t been bullied again, has she? I thought she was getting over being shy.”

“Oh I’d say she’s over being bullied, considering she and the other Crusaders are at the schoolhouse beating up the other kids who do have their Cutie Marks. I tried talking to them about the power of deciding your own fate and they... took it in the worst direction possible.”

“Oh... oh no. Stoic! Mind the bar, I need to have a parent moment with Noi!” Berry shouts over her shoulder. “And you, Anthony, you’re going to be there. I’ll want to speak with you afterwards.” She rushes out the door, stopping only to grab a small saddlebag from a hook by the door.

Next stop, Sweet Apple Acres.

“She’s been what?! I’m gonna tan her hide! She’s gon’ be grounded to the basement for her life!” Applejack’s not taking well, to understate the matter. Big Mac, being the solid mass of muscle he is, is keeping the near-frothing middle Apple sibling from tearing off to beat the youngest. Across the room, Granny Smith just shakes her head sadly.

Big Mac, in a rare show of talkativeness, speaks up. “AJ, yer gonna stay here. Ah’ll talk to ‘er, and I’ll bring ‘er back here once you’ve had a few to calm down. And Ah’ll talk to her on the way. We got diffr’nt views on this, sis.” The big red earth pony keeps his voice level, but he bit clean through that straw he usually chews when he heard the news.

I back up Mac on this. “Yeah, if you just beat her and bully her, how’s that gonna teach her not to do the same? I already made that mistake by starting this whole ‘Blank Flank Superiority’ ideal.”

With that, Big Mac and I start on our way to the Schoolhouse. When we get there, Berry and Rarity are already there, defusing the scene in their own ways.

Rarity is speaking with a glare that could cut logs, and Sweetie looks so ashamed she could potentially curl up into a ball and fade away. Noi is outright crying, and I see that Berry is, at this point, holding her in her forelegs, simply glaring at the other crusaders.

Now is when Big Mac and I step in, he moving for ‘Bloom and Babs, while I’m having to play ‘dad’ with Scootaloo yet again. I pick her up in an arm and carry her away from the scene. “I’m just going to assume you know very well that I am not happy with you, and go on from there. Sound good?” I set her down and give her my best, untrained ‘dad look’.

“But-”

“Look, I’m not your parent, but I’m still supposedly a role model, so I’m going to give you some advice: Do as I say, not as I do.”

“But-!”

“Listen up kid, I know parents who would beat you across the face for something like this. I’m not gonna do that because that’s not how my mom raised me. I’m gonna tell you right now, that what I do is not the same as what you are doing. I fight monsters. I threatened Tiara because she bullied my friends, not because she had a Cutie Mark. If you keep acting like a total bitch I’m just gonna resign from the Crusaders. I don’t make friends with bullies.”

“But- but I-” her ears, wings, and expression droop, and she looks absolutely betrayed. But, given what she did, I don’t feel too sorry.

“I told you about the golden rule, at least I’m pretty sure I did. How does that fit in here? You want everyone to hate you, just so that the teasing stops? This right here is the kind of behavior I punch people for!”

“I- I was...” she sniffles, some tears falling from her eyes.

“But I’m not gonna. Because that doesn’t help. I know I seem like a great role model, but the things I do don’t apply to you, you’re just a kid, and so are your peers. I don’t know why you thought that freedom means superiority and that it’s a weapon to hit others with, but it doesn’t, and it isn’t.” I shake my head. “The reason I fight is because if I don’t I lose something, people get hurt, homes destroyed. You’re fighting to control others. Do you get the difference?”

She sniffles again, and nods, then buries her face in her hooves.

“There’s not much you can do to fix this, I know for a fact that simply being honestly sorry and apologizing doesn’t make anything better. I don’t know what you should do, but unless you want to become what you hated for most of your short life, a bully without a good reason, you need to change your attitude. I don’t hate you, but you need to also give me reasons to not hate you.”

“I’m sorry...” She sounds miserable. I guess she at least gets that I’m not happy with her.

“I’m sure you are... but here’s an example.” I draw my sword. “I want you to see exactly what I do, not what you think I do.” I walk up to a stand of trees and swing my sword, the wave of energy knocking them all down in clean slices. I point at the ‘murdered’ trees. “I destroy things. I’m not a hero, I’m not a savior, I’m just... an enforcer. Violence is an option, but it’s not a solution. Do you get it now? That right there, that was what you were doing?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah... I know. Now come on, let’s try a new start, shall we? Let’s take you back to school. Just know that not everyone is just going to forgive you.” I pick her up and take her back to the schoolhouse and hand her to Cheerilee. That done, I head for the Mug, recalling Berry wanted to talk with me. She leads me to the cellar/back room for our talk.

“I didn’t try to be a role model, and I certainly didn’t mean for them to take it this way. I just wanted them to stop worrying about not having Cutie Marks. I guess I wasn’t the right person to teach the lesson though.”

“I can understand that, Anthony, but it’s still partly your fault. You’re a good person, I think, but you’re reckless. You need to be more careful, and not just with what you’re doing.”

I nod. “There’s just... so much that can go wrong, I don’t know which way it will and that throws me for a loop. I can’t plan for everything, and I just wanted them to stop being bullied.”

Berry nods. “I know. I’m angry, and upset, and a whole slew of other emotions, but I know you didn’t do this maliciously. So, please, just promise to be more careful with your actions.”

“Yeah... I better go see Applejack. I’m worried she’s going to knock ‘Bloom into next week and concuss her.”

“I think Big Mac has things well in hoof, Anthony, you don’t need to oversee us all. We’re adults, you know?” Berry says, reassuringly.

“I just... feel responsible. I started all this, so I feel I should be the one to fix it.” For a moment, I imagine myself talking to Bombshell rather than Berry, but I’m snapped back when I get a response.

“Well, sometimes it needs to be family to fix a problem like this. Mac and AJ used to get picked on when they were younger. I think they need to do this themselves, without outside help.”

I leave the cellar and head back to the library. As useful as parents and family may be, I think Scoots needs a child psychologist or something. The others I understand, but this isn’t the first time Scoots has acted like this.  I’m sure there’s something wrong with her, but I don’t know what, and I doubt she would.

Oh well, time passes I guess. I head back to the library and opt to just laze around for the rest of the day, feeling drained of ambition for the time being.

Recalling that the library isn’t exactly the best place to be to get motivated, I just start wandering around Ponyville. It seems all the kids were sent home early. I hope this doesn’t scar their idea of what Cutie Marks mean. Guess I didn’t think about how important they really are.

Wandering around, I come upon the park and see Myrna. She doesn’t seem to notice me so I tap her. “Hey, what’s with the-”

I look at where she’s looking and see Clark and Fluttershy just snuggling. It takes a bit for it to register as actual cuddles given the size difference, but that’s what it is.

“So if your BFF is fine with ponies, what’s your problem?” Myrna asks. “He doesn’t have a problem.”

“Hey, we aren’t siamese twins. Ponies just don’t rub me the right way.”

“Let me guess, you don’t know why, you just don’t like them.”

“Just because I don’t have a clear reason now doesn’t mean I never will.”

Myrna shrugs. “You are just... difficult.”

“Maybe I am. Some girls like guys that take some figuring out.”

“Pfft... I meant difficult like mariokart.”

“Mariokart isn’t difficult, you probably just suck.”

“The point being that it isn’t difficult.”

“So I’m difficult but not difficult? And girls wonder why guys have trouble understanding women.”

“Actually, it’s just you.”

“Well, I don’t have to understand you to like you, do I?”

Myrna smiles and leans back. “Guess not.”

Chapter 162

The next day, it’s obvious that everypony has heard of how the Crusaders were acting, given that the four of them are getting glares and concerned looks in equal measures from the adults, and the other foals are avoiding them completely, even going so far as to hide behind adults when the Crusaders approach. Strangely, Babs doesn’t seem to be with them.

Well, they brought the ostracization on themselves. Can’t say I feel bad for them, given what they were doing. I still don’t get how they just jumped from ‘we have freedom’ to ‘we’re better than everyone else’.

Oh well, they did the deed, and now they pay the price. Wonder how long this would have gone on if I didn’t leave and tell their folks? That said, Scootaloo and Applebloom seem the most resentful. Noi had to deal with ‘upset mom’ and I know for a fact that Rarity isn’t exactly very light on Sweetie, I guess all in all, they’re getting what they deserve.

No idea what the plan with Babs was, but she’s still around, so AJ didn’t ship her back home or anything. The little parade went off without a hitch, though the Crusaders were unofficially banned from entering their giant pumpkin float.

I still have no idea what the parade was for, there wasn’t any banner stating the event or reason, and all the ponies seemed too distracted to say anything. Oh well, it’s not that big a deal as long as nothing interrupts it with a catastrophe.

And it doesn’t. Guess the weirdness magnet had to recharge after the Crusader fiasco the other day. The parade over, everyone goes back to their daily lives, which means I’m bored with nothing to do. I grab a newspaper from a stand and flip through it. Nothing really in the first few pages. I get ready to put the paper back, but I notice one thing on the last page.

‘New music style developed in Canterlot, causes controversy.’

New music style? Like what? Reading further, it’s a while before I get a name of the genre. They’re calling it... ‘Music with Rocks In’. And I’m not the one credited for introduction to Rock. Oh that’s just unfair.

Guess I’m taking a trip to Canterlot today. Grabbing the letter Clark gave me to take, I hop on the back of the train. Sitting in the caboose is a lot easier on me, since I don’t have to spend the whole trip in an enclosed space with ponies who aren’t that familiar with me.

I get to Canterlot and find a guard. I tell him I have something for Celestia, tell him it’s from Clark, and give him the letter. I’m not gonna bother seeing her in person, I have more important things to do.

After a while, I hear music being played and it... is not Rock ‘n’ Roll of any variety. Granted it’s kinda like it, but not really. Following the sound, I get to a few random ponies playing on some instruments. It’s not bad music, but they don’t really grasp what ‘Rock’ is at it’s core.

Nevertheless, I see some ponies who don’t like it, most of the crowd protesting the music and asking guards to charge them with noise pollution.

I was gonna give the musicians a piece of my mind, but now... I think another group needs it more. Since I got into the habit of attaching the Lyre to my Sword, which follows me everywhere anyways, I have my own instrument.

I listening to the protests about how it’s ‘too loud’ and the shaming of the musicians for wanting to play ‘such garbage’ makes me instantly know the song to play. I step up to the players and I ask if they have room for one more.

“Uh... I guess so, we’re just doing this for fun, we don’t really care who’s involved.”

“That’s exactly what I’m here to prove to the naysayers.” I grin. “Try to keep up if you can.” I hold out my Lyre, Spark Up, and begin playing.

The song is more directed at the audience, but that’s the purpose of the song. The lyrics covering all the arguments the protesters had brought up, and a few even seem to be getting into it. But my temporary bandmates were playing along and were having a blast.

After a while, the song ends and the crowd seems to have made up their minds. Some angrily huffed away, saying things that slightly insulted us, and a few others had actually grabbed whatever was around them that could count as a musical instrument and join the band.

I decide to take my leave and wander around a bit. I half expect to see Cadence in one of her crazy disguise getups, but she’s not around. Haven’t seen her since we left Wunderland. That’s quite a while... oh well, I’m sure she’s fine, doing... whatever princesses do.

As I wander through the streets, all lined with shops and cafés of various types, I start getting a bit bored. After some time, I’m approached by one of the ponies who I played with earlier. “Hey, what you did back there was pretty neat, I was wondering if you’d like to meet somepony.”

I shrug, not having anything else to do. “Sure, why not?”

A little bit later, I find myself in a small-time business-person’s office. The mare who brought me here hits a desk bell and calls out. “Ms. Advice. I have somepony you should meet.”

Another pony steps out of a side room, and looks at me. “Well if it isn’t the big hero... not as impressive, seeing you for myself.”

I narrow my eyes. “I get that a lot. Now what would you want with me?”

“That’s a good question.” She turns to the mare who brought me in.

“Oh, we were playing out in the street to attract attention. It wasn’t going well and he showed up and started playing, he was fantastic! He did... something and then we were fantastic, like really really good! I’ve never played like that in my life!”

The other pony looks at me suprisedly. “Huh, guess you are something after all. I could use you.”

“As... a musician?”

“Of course! I’m trying to push this new style of music, get it popularized. I think what I’ve come up with is revolutionary, and if you’re as good as Melody here says, you’d get us selling records like crazy!”

Hmmmmm. “This style wouldn’t happen to be called ‘Music with Rocks in’ or something, would it?”

“Hah, guess our influence is spreading faster than I thought, this should be easy! We’ll be rich in no time!”

“Except there’s a few problems. For one, you didn’t invent this new style, you stole it.”

“What- but... no I didn’t! Nopony’s heard anything like this before!”

“Yes they have. It’s called Rock ‘n’ Roll, and it’s existed since before I was born. Granted, you guys never had it, but I still started it here in Equestria. And you better credit me.”

I get a somewhat unhappy look in return. “Why? Can you prove you started it?”

“Yes, actually. There are some ponies who had never heard it before that I showed, and ever since I played publicly, there’s never been any music types like it, until now. You took the style, watered it down, and changed the name a bit. That doesn’t make it new.”

“It’s new enough. You may claim to have started it, but we’re gonna be the ones getting famous for it. Besides, if it was yours first, why didn’t you try to market it? That’s the way you make something yours.”

“Uh... because... I didn’t really get that many good reviews on the music at first. And from the newspaper I got, neither are you.”

“Well, Canterlot is the hub of the region. We’ve actually got quite a bit of traction in Manehattan, Chickago, even some of the frontier towns. I hear they’re making stabs at trying their own version as well. Calling it ‘countryside’ music.”

I sigh. “Well, still. This wouldn’t even exist here if it weren’t for me. By extension of that, your success is a direct result of mine. I want some credit here, got it? That’s it.”

“Well... I suppose I could provide services as compensation. My firm is rather well-situated. We run much of the licensing and registration services for Canterlot, though there isn’t as much profit from that as I’d like.”

Profit? Wait... she’s offering me money for this? Awesome! “Hey, I wasn’t even expecting to get paid, just notoriety, but If I get some cash from this that’s even better. Say... five percent of whatever you have after you pay your monthly dues? I could even offer some ‘new’ music for you to tweak a bit.”

“Hmmm... Three percent and a favor, to be named at a later date by yourself.”

“Deal!” I hold out my hand and we shake on it. After some mutual well-wishing, I leave feeling great! I mean, I came here expecting an argument or something, not money! This is so cool, nothing could ruin this day!

I get on the train and, deciding to ride in an actual car this time, am in the public eye. I get the usual responses of fear, worship, awe, disbelief, all the stuff. The kids are a different story. Apparently there’s some huge event going on somewhere and a bunch of younger ponies are on the train ride with me, and they are totally fascinated with me.

“Hey, mister Anthony, are you a super-hero?” a little foal asks, giving me a gap-toothed grin.

That’s a good question, actually. Usually the first requirement of a super-hero or villain is some sort of extraordinary skill, which I most definitely have. Am I a super-hero? I shrug. “I guess so. Not really much evidence to prove otherwise that I can think of.”

I hear a chorus of ‘woooow’ from the pint-sized audience, and I see one reaching out to touch my jeans. “Sooooo cooool... Do you fight bad guys, then, like bullies and monsters?” the touchy foal asks, eyes full of wonder.

“Yes I do. Though one thing you need to know. Fighting monsters is not the same as stopping bullies.” Figure I need to get this out to as many kids as possible so that I don’t get an epidemic of bully-vengeance across the globe or something.

“But... you do fight monsters, right?” the kid gives me giant pouty eyes, and the childish hive-mind calls them all to do the same. It’s like drowning in a sea of anime eyes.

“Well yeah. What do you think this is? An oversized letter opener?” I reply, thumbing the Sword at my side.

“Ooooh!” a bunch of the foals say, looking at the smooth, potentially-leather-wrapped handle. Actually, I have no idea what the handle is wrapped in, but it’s brown and tan.

“Yeah, this is a real sword. And a lot better than those spears they give the guards.” To be fair, from the few glances I’ve gotten, those spears look solid, but somewhat basic.

“Wow! Have you ever used it to take offa bad guy’s head!?” one of the foals asks, bouncing on his hooves. I see a concerned adult look over.

I pause at the question. Decapitation? Mentioned by a young pony? “No, but I’m pretty sure I could... in theory.”

“Er, are you sure you should be talking about things like that, young mister?” the concerned adult asks of the foal.

“It’s in mah comuks!” the foal replies.

Ah the bronze age of comics, when the bad guys were allowed to kill, and so were the heroes. Shame that got them taken down until the ‘parent safe’ Silver Age... Time to keep history from repeating and being a buzzkill. “Yeah, but comics aren’t like real life you know. Think about some of the stuff in there, you know how much trouble you’d get in for mimicking that? You could get hurt. Just remember they’re nothing but books... no matter how awesome they are.”

“Do you ever get hurt?” a little filly asks, her eyes wide. “Or are you invun- ivul- unhurt-able?”

“Invulnerable? Are you crazy kid? Of course I get hurt! They aren’t called ‘monsters’ for nothing after all.”

“Oh... does your mommy make it better?”

“No, I go to the hospital. Doctors can fix things even mommies can’t... even if that’s hard to believe.” Damn, now I miss my mom...

“Oh... do you wanna hug?”

“Who doesn’t want hugs?” I pick up the little filly, and the next thing I know, I’m covered head to toe in tiny, snuggly furry bodies. I feel like I’m swimming in a sea of adorable softness! It’s amazing.

Chapter 163

I’m about ten minutes from ponyville, no more, when I see smoke above the town. Thick plumes rise from a large portion of the visible building, and firelight keeps the bottoms of the clouds a disturbingly cheery orange-red. Tiny specks of color, presumably pegasi, are pushing normal rainclouds into place.

This is the exact opposite of a day that can’t be ruined. I get the engineer to slow down the train a bit and I stay on the ‘cruising’ train until I deem the speed safe enough to jump off from and make my way to Ponyville at my own speed. That fire does not look like it’s going to go out very soon.

Hopefully, the fire is the only problem. I continue on through the town and notice that there was definitely a fight. Like, demon-tier fight. It’s almost worse than my collateral damage.

I follow the debris and smashed remains of roads, eventually finding where the source had rested. And stopped. A rail-thin creature, like a human, but with a cow-skull for a head, lays in mostly one piece across a swath of destruction. One of its arms is gone, large burns around the stump, and both of its legs are gone from the knees down.

“Woah...” I look around for any others and I see Clark, who I assume is the one who stopped the rampage. “Hey, these guys have a nasty habit of getting up, you might wanna-”

Clark doesn’t seem to hear me, but he leans closer to the beast and, his demonic claws sharpening, he slices a couple of large gashes in the creature’s stomach like a five-pronged scalpel. “Uh.” Clark reaches into on of the gashes and yanks out some organs. “Yeah... that’ll... that’ll do it for sure, pal... good job. Gonna throw up now...”

He looks up at my voice, blinking a few times dazedly. “A- Anthony? Oh, g- good. I need some heh- help.” I see that half his face is coated in blood, a veritable waterfall of the stuff over one eye. The dark, near-black fluid is also spilling from his chest, and I have to take a second look to realize that he has a huge split under his ribcage. It’s like a sword or huge claw stabbed him through there.

“Woah, don’t move. I’m gonna go get... someone.” I turn to rush to get some sort of hospital staff out here, but I hear a sickening sound, like what you’d hear in a movie when someone’s being eaten by zombies. Y’know, when a bone or something breaks with a somewhat squishy sound. I turn around, and see he’s digging a demonic talon into his own ribcage.

“W-wait. I- I need h- help. Please. C- c- come here.” His voice is ragged, and he’s twitching slightly.

“I...” Okay, can’t-

I forcibly empty my stomach violently and fall to my knees and my head feels like it’s trying to force my brain into joining my stomach.

Once the feeling passes, I feel a lot better, but still rather queasy. I’m still mostly on my knees, but I step a bit closer. “Wh- Whaddya need me to do?”

“Pu- put hand- here. H- here!” He grabs my hand, placing it on the side of his now-split ribcage. “N- now pull!”

Sure, why the heck not? I pull with whatever force my jelly-like muscles can muster, my mind way too foggy to argue with anything.

Once his ribcage is open, I can see his organs clearly. I hear a high-pitched, rather disturbed giggle. Wonder who that was. Still, his heart is messed up. I think whatever stabbed him went into his heart. Sure enough, his demonic arm, razor-sharp claws flexing, snakes in and cleanly severs the heart completely. With spastic, jerking movements, he grabs some sort of blackish, ribbed organ, thin hooks and tendrils reaching from the thing as it slowly pulses.

Clark tosses into his chest, and reaches in to tear out something else, and I find myself too fascinated to react. The thing he put into his chest is reaching, gripping his lungs and knitting those barbed tendrils into them. Spiked fibers worm into the muscle of his chest, and he throws another organ into his chest cavity, shaking hand connecting the part to something else. His demon arm, strangely steady and calm, severs damaged meat with obvious care and replaces it with pieces from the demon. I blink, and realize that his arm was going... but he’s passed out. The arm grabs my hand and drags it back to his chest, makes me put pressure. Then, it puts pressure on the other side.

It’s weird, like a dream, but the arm and I push his chest closed, and thin tendrils worm up and form ‘sutures’ to seal the wound.

Then, I twitch, and know no more. Nothing but...

Pain. Darkness. Shouting.

Lights. Crying. Rest.

I wake up slowly, not really feeling up to moving. I don’t feel hurt but... very drained. I look around and I see Pinkie laying on the side of my hospital bed. I also note that a bed is large enough to fit me for once.

“Uhhhh, wha’ happen?”

“Huh? Oh, Anthony! you’re okay!” Pinkie immediately attempts to void that statement by hugging me hard enough my ribs hurt.

Ribs... hurt...

I cringe and try to pry Pinkie off of me. “Too hard...”

“Oh, you had just collapsed and there was a puddle of puke and you were face-down in it and there was blood everywhere and some of it was really yucky and made part of my fur fall out, but I dragged you out and made sure you’re alright and gave you the Breath of Life even though the EMTs said it wasn’t necessary and then Clark spat up a bunch of blood, and stopped breathing weird and then we brought him here and I brought you here myself and got you all checked in and even cleaned you up and changed you into a spare set of clothes so you wouldn’t feel icky when you wake up and I’m so glad you only were out for about four or five hours I’m not sure which and-” I put a hand over her muzzle and she quiets.

“Oooooookay, I got... some of that. Still tired... gimme a sec.” I rub my eyes and focus on staying somewhat upright. I don’t know how long it is, but I feel awake enough to carry a conversation, though not exactly with Pinkie. “Okay, what happened? Slowly.”

“Oh, uhm... well, you went somewhere, and while you were gone, a huge wave of frost appeared in the square, and froze a bunch of stuff! Then, this tall, thin guy, like a human but with a weird head -I think it was a demon!- made this weird howling noise. Well, Clark was nearby, and I heard him call it a Windigo, but that’s silly, because Windigos are all gone now, and that didn’t even look like the windigos in the books! Anyways, then Clark goes all firey, but there’s this big long lightning bolt coming out of his hand, but it’s all wavey, and it went whip-kizzzxxcxkczxck!” she makes whipping motions with her foreleg, “And then he uses it like a laser whip and goes all cra-koosh! And he hits the demon with it, and then they fought! Clark kept setting things on fire, and the demon kept away from it, which is weird, because I thought demons loved fire, but then the demon hits Clark, but pulls him into the air, and Clark screams, and it was totally scary, but I kept watching in case I could help, but I was feeling really icky, like the time I ate Baked Bads.” She stops for a moment, then remembers where she was going with that. “Oh! And then Clark used his lightning-bolt whip and whipped the demon, and it burned the arm off, and the demon made this screechy noise. The screechy-noise hurt my ears. But Clark stood back up, and kept fighting, and the demon kept hitting him, but he was hitting the demon too, and it was pow! Slash!” Pinkie makes jabbing and punching motions with every sound effect, “Ker-bop! Stabbity-slash! Finally, Clark does this thing where he screamed, and this big spear of real bright light that really hurt to look at went out, and then the demon had a hole in its head, and it fell over, and then Clark fell over, and then you showed up a little bit later, and then I didn’t get to see what happened because the paramedics were in the way!”

That was actually pretty slow for Pinkie. Wait... “Wendigo... Canadian cryptid... cow-head, ice powers... hate fire.”

“Uhm... I guess? But Windigoes are like anti-changelings that feed on hate and war, and make ice everywhere instead of using green fire to do stuff!”

“Wrong creature. Wendigo. E, not I. Human monster.” I pause. “Jus’ forget it. Tell you about it later. How’s Clark?”

“He’s, uhm, in the really-intensive care ward. I’m not allowed in there, ‘cuz I’m not family. I think you might count, though.” Pinke says, trying to cheer me up.

“No blood relation, but most definitely an honorary family member. Gonna go see him.”

“Okie-dokie. I’ll help you get up, you were really out of it, Anthony. I mean, you were covered in blood up to your elbows!” Pinkie shudders visibly, her face a touch green.

“Hey, not my blood at least. Right?”

“Not a scratch on you, Anthony! I made extra sure!” Pinkie assures me, giving me a quick nuzzle.

“Thanks. Anyways, gonna go see how Clark’s doing.” I get vague, sped-up directions from Pinkie and follow them as best I can. Soon enough I encounter some doctor-looking types outside a room and talking. On of them sees me and the discussion seems to change if I should be let in. I sigh and figure I’m allowed to check in on my best friend. I walk past them and head in, spotting Clark rather quickly. “Dude... you look messed up. Oh wait... you’ve always looked like that. Maybe you should get some plastic surgery for that thing on your face. Or just your face.”

Clark turns towards me, a huge gash along the right side of his face stitched up with thin twine or thread. He doesn’t look amused.

“Come on man, where’s the return fire about how you still managed to get a girlfriend?”

He shakes his head, his expression lightening, but only a little. “Sorry. Very hungry. Need food, very badly. Can’t... can’t fix without materials. Like a house, needs wood to fix. I need food, meat or similar.” Well, we’re back to broken cave-speak.

I return to the doctors who’re peeking in the door, one seeming to take notes. “Got any meat? He needs food.”

“We don’t know what that would do to him! We did a diagnostic check, and he’s got no stomach! There’s just this big lump of cartilage and gristle!” One of the doctors expostulates, waving one of his hooves in exasperation. “He doesn’t have a real heart anymore, just a mass of bone, cartilage, and an eye! Inside his chest! What’s the point?!”

“The point is he’s risked his life to save you guys, he’s my friend, and he said he wants meat. There’s three good reasons. If you continue to argue, I’m just gonna get some myself.”

“But we don’t know if that could give him infections, poison him, or just leave a lump of undigested food in his torso, rotting!”

“You also don’t know that that wouldn’t happen. Maybe it doesn’t look like a stomach but still does the same thing. Besides, with the new information I gathered earlier, I doubt he’ll quite be eating the meat.”

The collection of doctors give me a terrified batch of looks, ranging from actual terror to undisguised disgust.

I shake my head and leave. “As unorthodox as the situation may be, you should still try things. Like taking his advice on what he wants. Doing nothing at all could make things worse too.”

Off to get something for him to... Idunno, graft onto his body? I guess this explains where the arm comes from. Oh well. I head to Meistro’s place and order a whole turkey. Not sure how much he needs, but this should be enough. I inform the griffon chef that it doesn’t have to be cooked, figuring if ripped-out organs work, the turkey being cooked would take time for no reason.

I get an odd look, but I pay for it and take the pink, headless ovoid of meat back to the hospital, getting some rather more-weird-than-normal looks along the way.

I bring it to Clark’s room, and he looks at it, smiling slightly. “Thanks... this new wendigo stomach can work almost anything, if I’m right.” he then grabs the turkey, and tears off a leg, his mouth splitting open like a graboid’s to swallow the leg whole.

“So I take it that’s the explanation for the arm. You don’t morph as you rank up... you rank up by killing higher-ups and replacing your parts with their ‘better equipment’. Am I on track so far?”

He finishes swallowing the second leg. “Not quite. That’s one way, but the usual method is getting ‘gifts’ from superiors. A living part will regrow if only parts are taken. Full arm can grow back a hand used to replace a minions. Mine just came from someone who had more than half their body replaced by then. Not sure how much, exactly, lots of the parts looked too human.” He tears out a chunk of bone and meat from the center of the turkey, and simply drops it into his gullet.

“Still, You’re basically doing the organic equivalent of a robot pulling parts of another robot to fix itself. Like a grotesque, demonic Wall-E.”

“I- think it’s a little-” *gulp* “-little different. I can explain later. Can you get me another of these, I’m still hungry. Oh, and thanks for the surgery back there. Not sure where this heart came from originally, but I needed it.”

“Apparently it’s one of those ‘alive’ things. So it just... attaches itself to you when ‘replaced’? Like, a guaranteed-success organ transplant?”

“Yeah. And that’s part of my hypothesis. I’ll explain more back at the library when they let me out. Wendigo-clanners have powerful regen, and this stomach’s the furnace for that.” A flash of my hand, pulling open his chest, rushes across my vision.

I cringe, the blood in my hands feeling like it’s crawling. “Yeah, anyway, if you want some emergency surgery, I may not be the first to volunteer. Still not into the whole ‘reach into guys chest and push ribs aside’ thing.”

“Pull out, actually. I spat up a few earlier, ate them first.”

“And the ponies say my imagination is disturbing. Anyway, I’ll see about getting another bird for you. Hopefully you’ll be better soon enough.”

“Oh, I think I’m mostly better already. Insane regen, remember? They can’t replace organs, though, so go for the head or burn ‘em if you come across them. Unlike most, they prefer cold, and can’t stand fire. My clan almost wiped them out once.”

“So yeah, just a more twisted version of the Canadian cryptid. Gotcha.” I make a mental note of that and leave the hospital. I hope he’s gonna get cut some slack.

“Hey! Where’s that monster, Anthony? I wanna give him a piece ah mah mind!” AJ’s shout catches me entirely off-guard, and she’s right next to the entrance to the hospital. She also looks pissed as hell.

“If you mean the Wendigo, it’s dead. Next time you wanna take a crack at a demon, get there faster than Clark or me.”

“No, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the monster you just carried a sacrificial bird to! I heard ‘bout what that thing was doin’, rummaging through that demon fer spare parts! It ain’t natural, and it ain’t normal!” AJ says, getting up in my face and jabbing a hoof painfully at my chest.

“Listen, the definition of ‘natural’ differs from one society to another. If you spent-”

“The only thing Ah’m gonna spend is a few minutes kickin’ it t’ the pastures beyond! That thing’s goin’ t’ Tartarus where it belongs!”

I stare down at Applejack. “You better rethink those plans quick. You send my friend to hell, and I make you follow him.”

“That ain’t yer friend, Anthony! That lyin’ piece of scum’s just usin’ ya!”

“Haven’t I explained I’ve heard that crap before? You just can’t accept him because you think he’s a freak!”

“Ah don’t think, ah know!”

“You’re going to regret saying that, Applejack. Take it back. Now.”

“Ah ain’t gonna revoke the truth just ‘cuz it bothers you Anthony. I’m tryin’ ta help you.” The orange earth pony braces her legs, her expression determined. “Now. Where’s that monster hidin’ at?”

I warned her. “The enemy of my friend is my enemy.” I grab the back of AJ’s head and knee her in the jaw. “You want to fight him, go through me first, bitch.”

She takes it like a pro, though, and lashes out with a foreleg. My own leg buckles from the hit, and pain explodes from my knee. “Y’all ‘re gonna need to hit a lot harder’n that. Big Mac hits harder by accident.” She throws a second hoof at me, but I grab it, push it aside, and take a heavily compressed lump of coal and slam it into the side of her skull like a rock.

“I do hit harder.” I stand up rather painfully. Deciding against using my leg at all, I cover myself in a crawling charge.

Applejack rushes at me, and I brace for another low jab. Instead, her forehoof comes down, and she flips around, coiling like a spring, or a cat mid-turn. Then, I’m flying, and it takes the distance down the hill to realize she just put two hooves into my head.

Shakily, I stand up. I begin heading back towards the ‘battlefield’ in front of the hospital. “I’m not going to let anyone hurt my friend!”

I walk up the little hill, which feels like a pair of mountains to my damaged knee. I pull out more coal. I wait for Applejack to try knocking me down again. She charges like last time. I think she says something, but I’m not sure what it is. Doesn’t matter.

Going intangible, she ‘misses’ and falls over. I push her to the ground and bind her legs like I did with Bombshell. One more bit of coal is fashioned into a blade and put to the pony’s neck. “Give me one reason.”

AJ, tears in her eyes, growls up at me. “Anthony. C- can’t you see? He’s made ya into a monster too. All- all monsters...” she hangs her head, sniffling a little.

“What I see is someone who sees monsters as anything she doesn’t understand, and won’t give them a chance, all she does is hate and never accepts. People like you are a cancer on society...” I can’t do it though. I remove the bands and the blade dissolves. “Breathe. And know that you do so because I’m not a monster.”

With that, I limp away back to the hospital. I probably need to be checked in again. Also, linoleum is awful comfy.

Chapter 164

I wake up in the hospital bed for the second time today... only this time I feel in pretty bad shape. AJ did a number on me. Still, I have an obligation to protect my friends. A damaged knee is nothing compared to what I prevented AJ from doing to Clark. Rather than just Pinkie, it seems most of the Element bearers are here, though Rainbow Dash and AJ aren’t around.

“Hey. So which fight are you here to talk about? The monster, or the neophobe?”

“Both, actually.” Twilight says, looking concerned. “From what I heard from witnesses, Clark was doing some form of self-repair using, ergh, parts from the demon. He was acting more like a Golem or an Animus than an actual natural creature. We’ll talk about Applejack next.”

“Fine. As for Clark, perhaps you need a bit of perspective. Remember where he was for years on end. If the law of the world was ‘kill or be killed’ and a monster came by trying to kill you, what would you do?”

“I- I don’t know. I’ve never been in that situation, or any like it, and I hope I never am. But the point still stands, that wasn’t normal or natural. Even you have to admit that, right?”

“I do. It was disgusting, and really fucked up. But I still understand why it happened. Clark said the parts that are ‘salvaged’ can replace broken, damaged, or inferior parts of your own. If you got a leg cut off and you could just... replace it without surgery or any kind of waiting, and otherwise you run the risk of bleeding to death, I’d say that stealing a replacement is a justifiable measure to take.”

“So... they’re like prosthetics?” Fluttershy asks, looking both confused and a little frightened.

“I... suppose, yeah. But from what I heard, they... ‘graft’ themselves onto you, so it becomes a part of you rather than just a fake to replace what you’ve lost. He stole a heart from the wendigo, and now he’s got a heart that, if damaged, could repair itself.”

“Close enough I guess, but I’m not exactly sure what this new heart will do for me.” I turn to see Clark, leaning on the wall, looking absolutely terrible. “That said, new stomach’s working great. Got any food?”

“Sorry man, not in any real condition to get you another bird... don’t think I have the money, either. But I’m right kind of, aren’t I? You take parts to upgrade yourself, make you stronger or faster or more durable. That kinda thing?”

“Yeah, sorta. Would’ve been nice to have some Endbringer hide, or maybe have gotten in with the Sons for a while to get some pestilent attacks. Some form of containment would’ve been nicer than having to go with ‘ring of fire to hold that thing in with me’.”

“Well, I think you did an excellent job keeping the damage minimal. You were certainly quick to the scene, darling!” Rarity’s praise makes Clark smile.

“Yeah, just because you have their parts doesn’t mean you start acting like a monster. It seems a certain somebody fails to understand the difference, though.” The somebody I’m referring to is Applejack, but it takes a few moments for the other ponies to catch on.

“Er, I actually have a few things to go over with you later, on that subject.” Clark rubs the back of his neck, and I hear his jaw pop. “Uhm, but in the meantime, I’m going to go raid the cafeteria. You get better, Anthony.” He shuffles off, and I can hear his joints pop and groan in protest at the swift, jerky movements.

“Yeah. So when do I get to leave the hospital?”

A nurse takes that moment to poke his head in. “Actually, for the slow progress your healing is going at, we’re guessing you’ll be here for at least two weeks. Mostly for the head wound; we don’t want you going into a coma. Even Princess Luna can’t pull somepony from that.”

“Great... So in the meantime... Applejack had her reasons for hating Clark, as misplaced as they were. What do all of you think of him?”

Pinkie shrugs. “Well, he’s real nice, and he gives big hugs, but I don’t think he means it when he smiles or laughs.”

Rarity thinks for a moment. “Well, he’s a perfect gentlecolt- or, er, what’s the term, Anthony?” -“Gentleman.”- “Ah, yes, a perfect gentleman all the time. He’s even got a fine taste in colors, and seems to know his way around a sewing machine!” she smiles. “He does keep bemoaning the loss of something called ‘Duck Cloth’ or something. I’m not sure what it is, but it seems to be some form of invulnerable fabric.”

“Duct tape. You can do anything with enough duct tape.” I grin. “I think it’s clear what Fluttershy thinks of him. So how about you Twi?” Fluttershy blushes so hard I think her face is on fire, and she gives an embarrassed squeak. The other ponies look confused.

“Uhm, well, he likes to read, and has been extremely helpful around the library! I suppose I like him; he always tries to be as useful as possible, and puts up with a  lot of my, er, eccentricities.”

I nod. “The problem is, Clark has been on Hell-Earth for too long. He’s still a nice person, but what he did with scavenging those parts is just an old habit. If he didn’t do that, he may not be able to win the next fight or something. He’s still sick, and I want to make him better, realize he doesn’t need to do things like that anymore... but that will take time and care. Not to mention he needs real friends to help him along; without a strong support group, I’m not sure we’ll be able to snap him out of the ‘kill or be killed’ mentality any time soon.”

The assembled ponies nod. Twilight speaks up. “Well, I’m glad we’ve got that resolved, at least for now. I think we’ll all need to think this over later. For now, however, let’s talk about Applejack.”

“She wanted to kill Clark, and was willing to go through me to do it. If my friends are threatened, I don’t stand by and let them be attacked while in the frikken’ hospital.”

Twilight sighs, and Fluttershy looks horrified. “I was afraid of this, Anthony. I don’t know what exactly has been going on for Applejack, but ever since Clark showed up, she’s been suspicious of him. Admittedly, she’s always been a little suspicious of you, but she at least seems over that.”

“Don’t get me wrong.” I clarify. “I know where she’s coming from. I understand what she thinks and it makes sense that she thinks that he’s a monster, given how he acts. The problem is, she’s not willing to try and fix him and make him better. She’d rather solve the problem quickly by killing him. The flaw in that plan is that she won’t accept that he’s nothing more than a monster. She’s always been... set-in-her-ways, but this time, it’s self-destructive and she won’t accept that.”

Rarity nods. “She’s very attached to her sense of honesty. It’s not just that she doesn’t lie, it that she’s very thoroughly honest, much of the time. Still, this level of aggression isn’t normal, and it can’t be healthy for the dear.”

“Of course it’s not. If she’s willing to fight me for a chance at Clark... Maybe her definition of ‘monster’ differs from mine, but I classify a monster by how they act not what they look like. She just... refuses to see past the surface. He’s my best friend, and I will fight for him no matter what.”

The ponies sigh. “I’m not sure what we can do at this point, Anthony. I don’t think her opinion’s going to change, though it might while she’s in jail.”

“She got thrown in the slammer, huh? Well, can’t really say she doesn’t deserve it. And I don’t think she’s going to change her opinion just because she’s been locked up. But that’s up to her. If she doesn’t change her tune, she may as well be kept in jail.”

“Well, with an Unprovoked Assault charge, she’ll have ten years to think it over, one way or another.” Twilight explains, looking rather down.

“Ten years? Huh. Well, as they say: Should have thought of that before you did it.” I shrug slightly. “I wonder what she thought would happen if she actually killed Clark...”

Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity all shudder, but Twilight just has an odd look to her, like she’s scared or something. Only, y’know, not quite.

“Uhm... exactly what is the penalty for murder in Equestria?”

“Well, normally, the ah, culprit would be subjected to the Elements of Harmony, if they’re available, and if not, or if the guilty party doesn’t repent, they get a choice. Exile or ex-” she gulps, audibly, “Execution.”

“Seriously? Where I come from, cold-blood murder results in the death penalty, no two ways about it. Straight to the chopping block. Or the electric chair. Or solitary confinement for the rest of your life.”

“Well, the ‘exile’ option means exile from all of Terra. Like with Nightmare Moon.”

“Huh. Well, I doubt Applejack could survive on the moon for very long. No food, no water, no air... May as well be a death sentence in it’s own right.”

“Uhm... Anthony, the moon does have water and air. I think Luna still tends gardens on it, every now and then. She calls the little trees ‘bonsai’, and they were all she had while exiled, and kinda split in half and...” Twilight stumbles and finally gives up, “uhm... she explains it better.”

“Well, that’s pretty different. Anyways, the point is... if we can’t convince Applejack that she’s being a nazi, then... well she’s gonna keep trying and that’s what’s gonna happen. She kills Clark, and she’s sent to the moon. She’d still probably die up there, air and water notwithstanding. She’s not exactly immortal.”

The ponies all look away, sadness on their faces.

“Welcome to the real world, where if you only see things as good and evil, you end up abandoned and dead.” Nobody answers, and nobody can bring themselves to look at me. I’m just telling it like it is. “If you guys can’t deprogram the neophobia from AJ, and she doesn’t change... then she suffers the consequences. This whole ‘monster’ thing is going to her head and messing it up. That said, Clark needs some deprogramming too. He’s living like a wild animal because that’s the only way he could live. We need some way to prove to him that he doesn’t have to scavenge organs and limbs anymore.”

“W- well, other than the got-stabbed-in-the-heart thing.” Pinkie says, looking up at me.

“Okay, point taken. That’s kind of an excusable measure to take in the effort of self-preservation.”

Twilight speaks up, “Wait, he was stabbed? In the heart? How did he survive that?”

“Uhhh... Not sure. But he’s still alive and he’s got a new one. Better than him dying.”

“Still, he should’ve died of blood loss and shock instantly. How did he get his own chest open to do a cardiotomy?”

“Oh yeah, I-” Oh good god! “I held his ribcage open while he-” Woah, I feel sick. Worse than vomit-sick though. Like-

Chapter 165

I sit up and am pushed back down onto the bed. “Jeez, stay down, we just got you stable thirty minutes ago!”

Stable? “Huh?”

“Well, you went into a mild seizure, which transitioned into a grand mal. You’re lucky Ms. Pie here apparently has an epileptic cousin, or you’d be in trouble. Why didn’t you ever tell the hospital staff you have seizures?” The doctor asks, shoving me painfully back to the bed. I feel like I ran a marathon, then joined a triathlon, then went binge drinking. Or, I assume, that’s what this feels like, I can’t say I’ve ever actually tried doing that much physical activity before.

“I... I get seizures? Never in my life... never...”

“Oh, then what- er, did you have any extremely stressful situations lately?” The doctor looks at me with a genuinely worried expression. “Not just a bad fight or anything, something that really hit you hard, on an emotional or psychological level?”

“I... I helped my best friend with an impromptu heart transplant. My job was pulling his ribcage out or something...” I feel like all my muscles spasm for a brief flash, but I do notice it happened.

“Careful! Don’t think too hard on those memories for now... I’m going to schedule you for some time with a therapist. You’ll need it to help with... that. Too much could send you into another grand mal, or worse.”

“Okay...” Jeez, this day has been a nightmare. Looking at a clock, I realize it’s actually practically midnight now.

 Well since apparently I’m in critical condition or something, I guess all I should do is just... sit here. “Now what?”

“Uhm... we can have a one-on-one party?” Pinkie suggests, and I realize she’s laying on the chair next to my bed, draped partially onto the bed.

“Sure. Dancing’s out, as is pretty much anything that involves moving much. If you got a cabinet somewhere in this hospital, we could play Mortal Kombat...” I mentally facepalm as I remember that they probably don’t have anything like that in a hospital yet.

And aside from that, I doubt the ponies would invent anything close to MK... Probably have to wait for the game dev craze to hit the griffons. “Nevermind... so what is there to do for the unstable around here?”

“Well, we could... uhm, well... we could paint! My cous’ always liked that, she could even do it while seizing!”

“I suppose. Haven’t done anything like that for years actually...”

“Hee-hee, we’ll get started then!” Pinkie says, pulling some paints, brushes, and... an entire frickin’ canvas and easel? Uh... from her mane.

“What do you have in there? A pocket dimension?”

“No, silly. I’m not an archmage, Imma bard!” She pulls out a lute next.

I roll my eyes. “Then I’m a Halfling Rogue.”

“A what now?”

“A Halfling? It’s like a Human, but... a lot shorter. They get increases to speed and sneaking by default. They make good Rogues because of that.”

“Idunno what you’re talking about, I have my bardic license right here!” And sure enough she pulls out a card from her mane, and shows it too me.

“Oh... I was... I thought you were making a D&D joke...”

“What’s a dee-andy? Oooh, is it a game? Can you show me how to deandy someone?”

“No, D-and-D is short for Dungeons and Dragons. It’s a tabletop RPG.”

“Hmmm... like Ogres and Oubliettes?”

“Uh... sure. D&D has Ogres in it, guess it might be the same. You got a Dungeon Master’s guide? I... lost my books when I came here.”

“I think you mean the core Talemaster’s Tome, but yeah, I have the full set! And don’t tell anypony,” Pinkie shifts to a conspiratorial whisper, “but Dashie really loves Ogres and Oubliettes, even if she won’t admit it to anypony.”

“Oh, you guys are still in the ‘it’s only for nerds’ phase, aren’t you? Don’t worry, soon enough it’ll become popular enough for it to be ‘socially acceptable’ for a jock to play it.”

“Oh, no-no-no, she thinks it’s too frou-frou! It’s a game Unicorn nobility invented to be able to pretend to be dashing heroes without having to leave their homes. I hear Rarity is trying to talk Twilight into it, and that’ll be great, because then I can finally have a full Convergence of players again! I am the best Talemaster ever!”

“Hmmm. Well, how about we give it a shot? I’m a pretty good player, even if it’s not the same thing.”

Pinkie hands me a character sheet and a list of all the available races and classes. They are most definitely rather close to the second edition of the game, no playable werewolves or goblins, and without the directly humanoid races. Oddly though, you can choose to play as a kobold. Odd suggestion, but it seems the closest they have to a halfling with the small stature overall but no hampering reductions to physical combat skills.

I choose a class that is closest to a Rogue in skillset, a ‘Freelancer’. “Alright Pinkie, we have our player. Time to set the stage...”

“... And then the massive Gumdrop Slime finally falls, the horde of sentient rats you added as allies sated at last. You’re the winner! Whoo!” Pinkie cheers, and I yawn. I’m not sure what time it is, but it’s kinda light out. I can see the moon at the horizon outside.

“That was fun, but a bit easy. Next time, have a few non-food based monsters. The ‘eat it’ option makes things too easy.”

“But... most of the monsters in the Creature Compendium are food-based. Most of the time, ponies won’t even think to just eat a problem. I mean, the game was made by Canterlot unicorns, you know.”

“Maybe we can design a few creatures to add to the Compendium? Homemade scenarios and monsters are always fun.”

“Okie-Dokie!” she stops to yawn, like a giant pink puppy. “Whoo... that’s the longest session I’ve ever gone with anyone! You really tore through there, but I could feel your enthusiasm all the way.”

“What can I say? I have a lot of practice. I know lots of ways to do things. I like to keep things interesting. Wanna go again in a bit?”

“Oh yeah! But... I need a... need a nap... Gimme a...” Pinkie has crashed and is laying by my side, tired, but also very happy-looking. I look over at the clock to figure out what time it is, squinting in the half-light. Hmm... eight-thirty? I thought we started past ten... hmm. Must be misremembering...

I snuggle Pinkie close, her fur soft and huggable. So warm...

After a mildly awkward wake-up, I decide to get moving. I’ve apparently been in the bed for a little while, and I’m feeling restless. Pinkie has designated herself my super-special attendant friend, to make sure I don’t have another seizure.

I assure her I’ll be fine. After all, that was the first time I’ve ever had a seizure before, so it’s not a common thing. Still, she doesn’t want to risk me having a relapse and nobody around being able to help me.

Nothing much to do, I figure of the short list of things I can think of to do today... I’m going to go see Rarity. It has been a while, I suppose. Pinkie seems to be more... alert than usual. She’s not skipping or prancing or anything. She’s just... walking. It kinda creeps me out a bit.

Shaking off the thought, I see Clark and Fluttershy walking down the road, close by each other’s sides. They seem pretty happy about today, even if Clark is using a crutch and being almost-carried by a concerned-looking Fluttershy.

Guess we all have our little emergency aids. Equestria may not be the coolest or most awesome place to end up... but at least it’s friendly most of the time. Not to say it’s lacking in flaws or danger, but... well, at least boring is safe.

We get to the boutique and are invited in. You know... frankly I’d never peg Rarity to be the weed-smoking type, but now that I undoubtedly know what it smells like, I recall it kind of smelling like that from time to time even before the event. Not right now but... “So, I guess I’m only going to get an answer by asking. What’s with the pot thing?”

“Hmm? Whatever do you mean, darling?”

“Pot. Tree. Hash. Bush. Weed. Marijuana... whatever you wanna call it. Seriously, you don’t seem the type at all.”

“Ah! The cannabis plant. Well, I am trying to stay in-fashion with the Canterlot elite, you know.”

“...If your weed provides the same results that I expect it to, and I know it does, firsthand... Since when is inhaling plant fumes until you are shocked you have a nose or the ability to hear things ‘in’ with nobility? Where I come from, stoners are the people who literally have nothing better to do but sit around and eat Cheetos”

“Well, it’s not ‘in’ right now, darling. I’m actually rather avoiding Canterlot until they’re done with this new ‘absinthe’ drink. It tastes awful, like they put lead shavings in it.”

“Rarity, here’s a tip. Anything can be considered ‘in’ or whatever, that doesn’t mean you have to partake. If they all started snorting crack, would you do it?”

“Er, I’m not familiar with-”

“Cocaine? It’s another kind of drug. It’s... I honestly don’t know exactly what it does, but it’s addicting, and withdrawal has led people to... well, killing and robbing for money to buy more.”

“Why, that sounds positively dreadful. No, no, the nobility isn’t quite so... herd-following to try such a dangerous thing, though I do miss when opium was ‘in’. That was a very relaxing season, and now it’s not shipped anywhere near here. No business nearby, after all.”

“Wow Rarity... Just... wow. Opium? Are you kidding? Ah who am I kidding, you guys are so damn pacifistic you’d never have an opium war like we did. Do whatever you like, just keep me out of it. But if heroin ever becomes ‘in’ then I’m gonna smack some sense into you.”

“I’ve never heard of it. Though tobacco has been a long-time favorite of the gentry.”

“Anyway, do you have a reason for smoking weed other than ‘the popular kids are doing it’ or what?”

“Well, that’s why I started, but I keep it around for... inspirational and relaxation uses. It also helps Sweetie with her anxiety attacks.”

“You give it to- You know what, if the kid builds up an addiction, I’m calling CPS.”

“What? It’s a prescription. She really does have anxiety attacks, and she genuinely needs it. I grow some in one of the side rooms because it’s nice.”

“This place is so weird... oh well. So, changing the subject: What’s new with you?”

“Well, I’ve just finished a new line of dresses and the like, and Mayor Mare has commissioned a badge design for Clark, after his, er, disposal of the demon. There was surprisingly little collateral damage.”

“Yeah, I noticed. So what, he’s getting deputized or something?”

“Well, more like honored. I think it’s a bit much, personally, and I’m making one for you, on the side. I think it’s just because he kept town hall from being destroyed... again.”

“Eh, I-” I turn and see Pinkie looking like she’d been caught red-handed, while getting into some kind of large, rectangular box. “I uh... I forget what I was gonna say... Oh yeah. So you just get high for... recreational purposes. I thought it was because you were stressed out trying to decide what you were gonna say to Spike. I mean, I just figured because that’s what we talked about last time I saw you before we... you know, got high as kites off your brownies.”

Rarity stares slightly over my shoulder, looking puzzled. “About the suit ideas I had, yes? Yes, I remember a- a vest design I had in mind. Oooh, now I can’t remember the details... drat.” She gives me a sheepish shrug.

“Look Rarity, you’re messing with a guys feelings. He’s in love with you, and you aren’t doing anything about it. Avoid it all you want, but the more you wait, the more stressful it’s going to be. I’m not gonna force you to make a decision one way or another, but the fact remains that what you are doing to him is starting to mess him up. This goes on too long, he might start to hate you.”

Rarity sighs, looking sad. “I don’t know, Anthony.” she picks up a piece of cloth in her aura, needles and thread moving to it in graceful unison. “Anthony, please... I know you know what it’s like to be in my position, so please.” She spares a glance at Pinkie, who is twiddling her thu- er, hooves?- and trying to politely not be in the conversation. “I need time. I just don’t know how to feel right now, and every time I see him, trying to be so helpful and loyal... but I don’t know I’m interested. I don’t want to start something that we’ll both regret, but I don’t want to just turn him down and regret that later, either.”

I think about that for a minute. I don’t really know what she means. I understand Spike’s position in all this, but I can’t really relate to Rarity... but this is a delicate matter, so I’m at least going to be sympathetic. “Love is a battlefield. It’s not as easy as finding a soulmate and running off to marry them a week later. I know this is very difficult, but a decision has to be made sometime. Otherwise, things could go downhill really fast.”

“I- I know that Anthony. I’m not a child. I just don’t know what to do. Can you honestly say you know what the best course of action is, the one that leaves everypony happy with the results?

I scoff, sadly. “If that could happen in any circumstance, with everyone happy at the end... then you’re probably living in a fantasy world. The best I’ve ever tried to do is prevent everyone from being unhappy. I know I’m sounding like a real downer but... I’ve seen things flip my world upside-down too many times. Happy endings, truly happy endings are few and far between... We just need to find the best solution that hurts the fewest people, or hurts them the least.”

Rarity looks up at me, and cracks a smile. “Oh, dear Anthony... I don’t believe that. No matter how painful the road, I know there’s true happiness at the end of it. I just need to find the road to follow.” Her smile looks subdued, but sincere.

“Well, not to make you pick a road before you thought about it, but I kinda want to see Spike win this, you know? I mean, sure it might not be the best lesson in terms of love, but I’d hate to see him learn from this and decide perseverance never pays off... y’know?”

Rarity chuckles and blushes. “Yes, well... I suppose I should talk with him about this. The very least I can do is make sure the air is metaphorically clear between us.”

I think about that idea for a bit. “I see two consequences from that.” I take a breath. “One, he misunderstands you and thinks you are admitting you have feelings for him and starts getting really attached to you, so if you decide that you aren’t meant to be... he’d be completely destroyed. Two, he does understand and decides to just wait it out and give you time, and you have time to think about what it’d be like to be with Spike and decide if that’s what you want or not.”

Rarity heaves another sigh, and sets the vest onto the coffee table between us. It’s a shimmery blue-and-seafoam striped vest, and very nice looking. It’s also in my size. “Well, Anthony, I suppose I’ll never know if I don’t try, yes?”

“Yeah. You uh... wanna do it alone or have a little... Idunno, backup?”

“I- I’m not sure. While having somepo- body else along might be nice, I think I may wish to do this myself.”

“Alright, just... do it sometime in the next few months alright? Even if you can’t feel it, pressure like this tends to build. A lot.”

“Yes, Anthony, I understand. Thank you for the talk.”

“Yeah. I gotta say, this ‘helping others’ thing would be a lot easier if the biggest problems were the monsters. Those I can just punch until they stop moving.”

Rarity titters. “Yes, well, I’d be out of a job then, wouldn’t I? After all, I solve subtle problems. Such as that bust seam in your shirt. You should take better care of them, Anthony, those shirts are some of my finest work in durable materials.”

“Eh, I live dangerously.” I say, smirking. “Okay, I live recklessly, what’s the big difference? The fact that someone can make my clothes last like this is impressive in it’s own right.”

“Why thank you, Anthony. Now, I have a paid commission to finish, and you have a new vest to show off around town. Please, it’s a gift for you.”

“Thanks.” I’ve never been a big fan of the ‘vest’ thing, but it’s not that bad. It has more pockets, for one. Pinkie and I leave Rarity to her work.

Now what else needs to be taken care of? The Applejack thing can wait until we have a full discussion on it, so in the meantime... Well, Fluttershy and Clark haven’t paid for that photo of me and Dash...

Time for some good old revenge, I’d say. “Hey Pinkie, wanna help me with a prank? It’s gonna be a big one.”

“Sure!”

Excellent...

Trial of Error

I take a seat at the large meeting table, and the mayor takes a roll call to make sure everyone is here. We don’t want to be missing anyone while we discuss the plan of what to do about Applejack being guilty every way to Sunday.

“Mr. Macintosh, representing the Apple Family in Applejack’s stead?” the Mayor asks, voice somewhere between politely disinterested and disappointed.

“Eeyup.” Big Mac stands at the table, a rather... upset-looking Applebloom on his back, clearly unsure of what to do with herself.

The mayor doesn’t draw attention to the filly, and just checks her list of attendees. “Mmhmm. Caramel, Head of the local Smiths?”

“Here.” Not sure exactly why he’s here, but I don’t see any real reason why he shouldn’t...

“Representative of Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle?”

“Present!” As usual, she has some papers and an inkwell with her. Oh well, at least the proceedings will be recorded in immaculate detail...

“Anthony, victim of the attack?”

“I have a few things to mention about that, but yeah, I’m here.”

The others are called out for their various titles, including each of the other element bearers and even Clark, because he was the actual target Applejack was going after.

Spike wasn’t really on the list, but he’s here anyway. It doesn’t seem to be a problem, so the mayor lets it slide.

“Alright, so now that everyp- everyone is here, shall we begin?” Twilight doesn’t say anything, but has quill to parchment already.

“Yeah.” I speak up. “I think the first thing to bring up is what actually happened with the fight between me and AJ.” Making sure all eyes are on me, I continue. “Applejack did not deal the first blow. She threatened Clark’s life and I told her that if she wanted to hurt Clark, she’d have to go through me first. She didn’t seem to have any problem with that notion, and so I struck her with a knee to the jaw, to little effect.”

“Well, erm, that is useful information, but we’re mostly here to discuss how to handle everything that’s happening. The trial will be one week after this meeting, regardless. Mostly, we’re here to discuss as much as possible to ensure everypony is on the same page. Thank you for sharing, but we’re supposed to do it in order.” the mayor says.

“I just figure that knowing the actual events is important.”

“Yes, but due process is the way to do it. You’ll still be going first, but please, allow us to observe the procedure.” The mayor stops for a moment. “You may begin.”

“Alright, well I haven’t really thought about what will come of this, I’ve mainly been thinking about how to get Applejack out of this mess. Once that happens, the sooner the problems arising from her... absence will become moot, right?”

“Uhm... well, considering that she’s been showing some rather disturbing psychological tics as of late, her only recourse might be either royal intervention or... a trip to the psychiatric ward for the foreseeable future.” Twilight explains.

“Disturbing? She’s just being neophobic. That’s not a psychological issue, it’s being stubborn and unaccepting. Going to a mental hospital isn’t going to change her opinion of anything.”

“Anthony, that’s not all she’s been doing. And... rejecting your friends because of something new? That’s a major problem.”

“When was she rejecting a friend? She only rejected Clark, and she made it pretty darn clear that she was not interested in being friends.”

“Actually, she’s been extremely isolationist the past few months. We’ve been trying to get her to do anything with us, but she’s refused.”

Big Mac nods. “Eeyup.” The big stallion looks around a little. “She ain’t been herself since Mr. Clark showed up. Been actin’ suspicious of everypony.”

“Huh... and I suppose nobody knows why that is? Never heard her say anything?”

“Been tighter lipped than a lemon-eatin’ snake.” Big Mac responds.

“Sure...” I shake the irrelevant mental image from my head. “I’m just trying to get AJ out of this. The reason I didn’t take her to the authorities myself is because I wanted to give her another chance, and that plan didn’t involve spending ten years in jail before getting that chance.”

“Well, that and a minor head-injury.” Spike reminds me.

“Regardless of the injury, I wasn’t going to turn her in anyway, for reasons previously stated.”

“Either way, though, how much of the fight can you remember?”

“Well, once she landed a blow to my knee, it gets kinda wobbly, metaphorically. I remember binding her and letting her go, but other than that it’s kinda... gone.”

“Do you remember what she said? Anything might help, if only to help lighten her sentence when it’s passed.”

“Well, she said something during the fight, but I didn’t really listen. Before the fight... it was mainly about Clark being a monster and it’d be best if she just sent him to Hell or whatever. Again, missing a bit there.”

“Alright... well, we might be able to get a protectiveness plea. It’s in the books from the cases in Canterlot. I’m glad I’ve read those front to back-”

“Protectiveness... wouldn’t that imply that it’s true that everyone would be better off if she just murdered Clark while in the hospital?”

“No no, earth ponies are naturally protective, so are pegasi.” Twilight elaborates, “It’s established legal precedent. It’s been used before, so we might be able to bend it this time. After all, if she honestly believes she was trying to protect her friends and family...”

“Well... That’s definitely true, but I don’t think that’s a good enough defense for her. I’m of the opinion that the ‘I can’t help myself, it’s in my genetics’ is just an excuse a child would come up with.”

“Anthony, it’s a proven fact.” Twilight say, condescendingly. “We’ll just have to-”

“Twilight, how many court cases have you been to? Have you ever been in a court-”

“Mr. Anthony! I would ask you stop interrupting! This is a formal meeting!” the mayor says, scolding me. “Now, Ms. Sparkle, please continue.”

“Ahem. As I was saying, we’d need to find a sympathetic judge to arbitrate the trial. Now, I’m not familiar with the local judges, nor the arbiter’s circuit. Does anypony have any ideas on who to try contacting?”

I fold my arms. “I don’t think it matters. What you are suggesting is getting a crooked judge who will be partial to the accused party.”

“No, we’re suggesting finding somepony who isn’t biased against this kind of case. A few of the judges in Canterlot, for example, take much harsher measures on petty theft than the other judges. It’s still a crime, but getting five years prison for theft of food is rather excessive.”

“Listen, I’ve been in courtrooms. I’ve been a member of the accused party before, and they will treat you like dirt, innocent or not, simply because you are the accused. It doesn’t matter how you try to paint the picture, you want a judge who will take sympathy on one party over another, a bias, and that is the opposite of a fair trial. The legal system once evicted my family under false pretenses with no apology! I didn’t turn AJ in because I didn’t want to deal with this. Our only option is to get a crooked judge, or Applejack spends ten years in jail! The ‘justice’ system will chew you up and spit you out just because you are in trouble with the law for any reason!”

“Uhm... Anthony?” Fluttershy squeaks out. “I- I don’t know what the law was like o- on Earth... but th- that’s not how it work here.” The room is silent, everyone but Clark looking at me with shock and horror.

“Propaganda.” It’s all I have to say. That’s the view of someone who hasn’t experienced it firsthand. I should know, because that’s what I thought before.

“Ant- Anthony. I think you’re making assumptions.” Clark says, his voice low. “But they’re right, even if your point of view is entirely correct, the way to go is to get a judge who won’t screw over Applejack just because of the nature of her crime. Whether it’s bias towards her, or just a lack of bias against her, we need someone.”

“Well, how about Judge Dreaddful? He’s usually really fair.” Caramel offers.

“No, he goes by the so-called ‘spirit’ of the law; won’t allow any loopholes.” the banker says.

“Arbiter Dolores? She might be a bit caustic, but she’s f-”

“No way, she’s got a thing about earth ponies. Won’t work out here. Also, those plates she carries around creep me out.”

“Arbiter Seeds?” the mayor suggests.

“Eenope. He’s a relative, too obvious.” Big Mac replies.

“Uhm... How ‘bout Princess Celestia?” a little voice suggests, and we all turn to see that Applebloom was the one who said it.

I sigh. I’m not gonna be a part of this. They don’t really get it. “The way I see things, it doesn’t matter who you choose. God himself could come down and declare you innocent and you’d still be suspect.”

“No, no, she’s got a point... I’m sure the Princess would be able to help! And we’d know it’s fair, because she’s done this before. And I can send her a letter... yes! This could work. Alright, let’s figure out what to say, everypony. C’mon, let’s get this figured out, so we can help Applejack get back to normal!” Twilight’s optimism is so misplaced. This won’t end well.

Pray all you want, it’s not going to make much difference. I know that, my mom knows that, my dad and sister know it. Standing in court as the accused may as well be the chopping block. For Applejack’s sake and this society’s, I hope that things are different around here.

It’s been a week, and the trial is ready to start in just about fifteen minutes or so. Rarity provided Clark and myself with nice, crisp suits for this, but I can’t help but be uncomfortable. The entirety of the little courtroom is packed with ponyville citizens, with all four humans in as well. Anne’s sitting on a rafter in a tasteful black dress, Myrna circling the entire courtroom with two layers of her coils, her human torso covered by a suit-top as she ‘sits’ in the back.

No matter how comfortable the cloth of my suit must be, I can’t help but feel itchy, apprehensive tremors scurry along my skin. Applejack, her forelegs shackled together with iron manacles, sits in the ‘defendants’ area, her usual hat missing but her hair carefully combed or brushed and tied into a serious bun behind her head.

The only reason AJ will get a fair deal is because of course Celestia will be partial to an Element Bearer. Stupid ponies, why did they have to go and get us wrapped up in all of this, why can’t they just figure shit out themselves and leave the legal system out of it?

Oh well. I’m gonna be telling the truth here. If Applejack says I hit first, they aren’t likely to believe her.

A royal guard, in resplendent golden armor, announces that Princess Celestia is, in fact, going to Arbitrate as Judge, and I can hear the capital letters on the words. The guard has quite the set of lungs, I’ll give him that, he projects all the way to the back of the room easily.

As Celestia settles into the judge’s podium, I shift in my seat. I’m sat in the ‘witnesses and victims’ row, or whatever it’s called.The seats are the normal wooden chairs used for virtually every function in the town hall, and aren’t too comfortable, even for ponies. Less so for me.

Celestia looks around the room, her face a mask of calmness, or maybe apathy. I can see the hints of concern peeking out, oozing just a little into her expression. “This court is in session.” She doesn’t even speak loudly, but it almost echoes in the quiet of the room.

Let the ‘games’ begin...

Celestia clears her throat, and begins to explain what the trial is about, from the perspective of the authorities. It sounds a little off on a few details, but I can correct those if they become a problem.

In typical courtroom fashion, things are quiet and slow, nothing truly interesting happening, all the ‘excitement’ dependant on what is said.

Well, the first problem comes sooner than I thought. Time seemed to kind of slow down as Applejack was asked if she thought she was guilty or not. If she says yes, then this entire thing will be a nightmare. Come on... don’t say you’re sorry... don’t say you’re sorry...

“Yer honor, Princess, Ah did assault Anthony.” Oh goddamnit “But Ah did it because Ah felt it was the right thing to do.”

Princess Celestia nods. “And did you threaten Clark, currently a probationary citizen of Ponyville, with violence?”

“Not directly, at least when I fought Anthony.”

“But you have in the past?” Oh boy, at least this one should be easy. She hasn’t done anything but throw insults around.

“When I saw him on mah land, yes. Ah felt it necessary.”

“I see.” Celestia asks a few more questions, and miss bearer-of-honesty keeps incriminating herself further. Applejack’s apparently also been ‘monitoring’ Clark whenever she was in town. This is stalking, and called out as such, and even the apple farmer blushes.

Soon enough, I’m given the chance to speak, as the ‘assaulted’ party. Here we go... “First of all, I started the fight. True, Applejack made her threats first, but I dealt the first physical blow, which escalated from there. I got the worst of it, but I like to think I still won. The actual events are a bit foggy to remember, but I distinctly remember leaving Applejack to think about what she was doing. Then some stupid anonymous rubberneckers decided to get the law involved and-”

“Actually, that was the hospital, after Applejack dragged you into the hospital and reported herself.” She did what? Oh Applejack... you have no idea what game you’re playing here...

“Well, I still think that this sentence is stupid. I think I gave her her punishment already, and jailing her wasn’t part-”

“That is not your decision to make Anthony.” Celestia interrupts, voice still level and cool.

I know I can’t just flip this around, but come on... think of something. “Okay... but exactly what happened after Applejack turned herself in?”

“That is not the topic of discussion at present.”

“Look, I just think that the jail sentence is too heavy in this specific case.”

“No sentence has been settled yet, Anthony. Do not presume to dictate the future.”

“Hmph, well, that’s what I was told would-”

“Anthony, what you were told in relation to this trial does not, in fact, impact the outcome of this trial. Please remain focused, you were explaining what had happened. Do you have anything to add?”

Hmmm... most of what I could say will just make things worse for Applejack so... “No.”

“Then we will move on. Macintosh Apple, you are next to the stand.”

“Eeyup.”

“You are the brother of the defendant?”

“Eeyup.”

“Would you consider yourself knowledgeable of her, then?”

“Eeyup.”

“Had she been showing any violent or abnormal behaviors towards the victim previously?”

“Nope.”

“And towards Clark?”

“Eeyup.”

“Indeed.” Oh boy... things are not looking good. I sit back.

“What have you to say about the defendant?”

“Applejack is mah sister. I love ‘er, and I know she’s good at heart. But lately... she’s been drawin’ in. Avoidin’ her kin an’ friends alike.” A shocked gasp fills the air, and I take a short look back. Several ponies seem extremely horrified... a little alone time isn’t that bad is it? I see a little red ribbon make a break for the door. Big Mac continues, “Now, Ah don’ know what set ‘er off, yer honor. But Ah’m worried fer ‘er health, ‘specially in ‘er head.”

Well, I guess at this point AJ could try pleading insanity... I don’t think I can help anymore.

“I see. Are there any in the court who wish to speak for the defendant?” Huh... guess I have a chance after all.

“I have a few things...” I say, and rather than just repeat myself, find different ways to say that even though she’s guilty, she shouldn’t have to deal with any kind of punishment. I get a few mixed responses, but Celestia, of course, just waves it off with the reasoning that if things happened that way, it wouldn’t be fair.

Giving up I return to my seat yet again, and Twilight walks up, with a bunch of notecards and such of course. She looks more prepared to give an oral report on a book than defend a friend of hers who has been charged with aggravated assault.

“Ahem... I would like to address the court at large, your honor.” Twilight starts, and gets a nod from Celestia. Beginning to pace a bit, Twilight begins to speak of how strong a pillar of Ponyville AJ is, and how much she’s held the roots of the town firm. The orange pony in the defendant’s seat is looking ashamed, but Twilight continues to speak of the farmer’s usual attitude, getting lots of support and nods from around the room. Finally, Celestia’s student wraps up, stating that, “Without Applejack, our town would change, and not positively.”

Celestia nods, having paid attention to the entire speech, her gaze never wavering, nor her expression changing. “Very well. Is there anypony else who wishes to speak?” She waits for a moment, watching the crowd. Nobody raises a hoof. “Very well then. I shall take a recess to contemplate, and then I shall render my verdict. This court is in recess.” The white princess carefully stands from the likely small chair, and goes to the back of the court.

Chapter 167

I take the time to pull Applejack to the side for a private talk. “So I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m trying to get you free...”

The orange pony looks down. “Yeah, but why? Ah did say all those things, and Ah meant ‘em too. Ah almost brained ya for gettin’ in mah way...”

“Listen to me, Applejack. Look at me.” The farm pony looks up to meet my gaze. “Honesty isn’t about telling the truth, or giving the correct answer. Being honest is about speaking your mind, and being open about your opinion. If you keep your thoughts and feelings locked up, you may as well be lying to yourself. But you didn’t. While I don’t agree in the slightest with what you wanted, and how you went about saying it is wrong on so many levels...” AJ tries to look away, but I hold her head and keep her gaze. “In one sense... you did the right thing for yourself, you didn’t change your view just because all your friends told you too. You were just misguided and took things too far, but overall... you were given this for a reason.”

I pull out the Element of Honesty and hold it up to her. “Wh- Where... When’d ya get it?”

“I stole it from the library before the trial.” Applejack gives me a level glare. “Because Twilight isn’t the one who should be holding onto it.” I attempt to put the artifact around AJ’s neck, but I’ve never been good with jewelry or fasteners so when they mix, it gives me a lot of trouble. Applejack rolls her eyes and puts it on herself.

Now wearing the Element, Applejack seems to be a bit happier. “Thanks.”

“You’re probably gonna get some kind of punishment anyway but... I just wanted to let you know that, while we disagree on some things and that you need to open your mind a bit more... we’re still friends, and I don’t hate you.”

“T- Thanks.” Applejack repeats, and we share a brief hug before going our separate ways. The recess should be over in about twenty minutes. I just hope things go well.

When the time comes for us all to reenter the courtroom, we take our places, and Applejack seems to be balancing between wearing her Element proudly and trying to keep it rather unnoticeable.

Here we go. I don’t know if I’d prefer that a jury decide on the verdict instead or not, some ponies here don’t look too happy with the farm pony. It seems like they’ve been silently rallying against her ever since Big Mac mentioned her wanting some alone time. But if I mouthed off against the verdict and it was Celestia who gave it, this entire room would probably want my head... Alright Celestia... what are you gonna do with Applejack?

“Ahem, I have made my decision concerning the verdict.” Now she’s drawing it out. “Under the light of what has been confessed, there is no doubt that Applejack is guilty of assault. Even her status as a Knight of the Realm does not prevent this.”

Status as a whatnow? Applejack looks pretty confused at the comment, too.

“However, given that she has expressed sorrow and guilt at her actions, and is a vital part of Ponyville’s continued health, as well a defender of the realm, I am permitted to reduce the penalty. As the nobles of Canterlot have oft reminded me throughout the centuries, anypony who is a vital part of society cannot simply be discarded. Applejack, You will still face punishment for your crime. This punishment will take the form of ten years...”

What the- this is a reduction!? I stand up to protest and call Celly out on her bullshit, but Rainbow Dash pulls me back into my seat and Celestia continues.

“Yes, ten years of community service in Ponyville. You will also be required to act in your capacity as a Bearer of Harmony as the occasion dictates.”

...Wait, what? That... She already does that! This... Oh. As the realization of what Celestia just pulled here dawns on me, I can’t help but feel... nonplussed, despite the thinly-veiled victory. And I think I know why.

“Your time begins immediately. This court is adjourned. Also, Twilight, you may have your note back.” Celestia levitates a notecard to Twilight, who blushes as she takes it. In passing, I see it has something about the ‘Cookie Defense’ written on it.

When the bar and those behind it start to disperse, I decide to trail Celestia. She has a bad habit of escaping talks unless I come knocking at her door where she can’t just leave. Soon enough, I find her outside the back of the building, having taken a back door, probably to evade publicity.

“You should have locked her up, you know.”

“What a turnaround. I would have figured, given your previous actions, that you’d be celebrating with Pinkie at that party she’s throwing.”

“Yeah, I just... I’m a little hung up on something. I mean, I know why you let her go, and I’m very glad you did, it’s just... technically speaking she should have been given a regular sentence. You know? I get the whole deal with needing the Elements of Harmony, but if it was anyone else, just another person who did those things...”

“Hmm... not correct. As I stated in the courtroom, the nobility have been using the pretext of being important and useful as ground to remain in station after minor indiscretions for... a long time. Legally, any proceeding I am judging can be set to any applicable sentence for the crime committed. The simple fact is, not many nobles are useful... but I still make use of the law to protect those who are invaluable.”

I hold up my hands and take a step back. “Woah now. I’m just gonna hope we’re on different wavelengths and I misinterpreted what you said. I heard you tell me that if someone assaulted another person, and made death threats... they’d be let go.”

“Only if I personally say that is the case. No signature on paper, no proxies, it must be myself or my sister in person to give that verdict. And it must remain in the range of penalties for the crime. In the case of community service sentences, the location is dictated by the crown... that is, myself or my sister.”

“Alright, I get that now. I just... where I come from, when I dealt with the law... there were so many holes, so many ways to not just bend it but break the rules without even being caught or suspected of lying. It was... it was a bad experience. I guess I just don’t want this place to be like that, and I kinda started out expecting that it would be...”

“Well, if it helps, I am the law, and I try to be without loopholes unless they’re mine to use alone.”

“Well, that fills me with absolutely no confidence whatsoever... but it’s a step in the right direction I guess.”

“I’m sorry that does not help your troubled thoughts any. Have you any other questions while you’re here? I am not hard-pressed for time at the moment. I’ll likely use some of this extra time to sneak away to a bakery or somesuch.”

“Yeah... What do you think of Clark? Applejack’s position aside, do you think she was right to consider him a monster that needed to be killed?” My hands tighten a bit as I await the response.

“No. He’s an intelligent, and very driven person. From what I hear, he’s very passionate, and kind, but often distant when not actively engaged. I think he may have broken something irreparable during his time leading up to coming here. I hope he does heal, because he may be a useful asset and good friend in the future. With preference, that future is closer, not farther.”

“I want to fix him. I want my friend back. Well... all back. Y’know?”

“Wanting someone dear to you to be well and whole again? Anthony, you do realize whom you’re speaking to, yes?” I’m a bit confused for all of second, until I remember Luna’s story.

“Right. Well, then you understand my rather... violent reaction to someone wanting to hurt him, I suppose.”

“Very. Well, I hope Clark is alright. I hear he received some form of augmentation during or after his battle with the most recent demon. Would you have any information about these augments you’d share?”

“Well, as far as what I’d like to share or remember, demons don’t get those crazy arms or legs or eyes or whatever just by being evil. They fight and... scavenge ‘upgrades’ from the loser... If you get what I mean.”

“I’m not actually sure I do.” Celestia says, moving to make herself comfortable on a bench-seat. “Please, elaborate.”

I think of a situation, and when I think I have it, I begin. “Well, for the sake of argument, let’s say you have no way of healing yourself. Now, you are in a fight with this demon and you lose a leg to him. You’ve won and it’s dead, but you are going to die from blood loss if you don’t fix your leg. There’s no hospital anywhere, and nobody nearby to help you. But if you... tore off the monsters leg and used it to replace yours, not only would the leg attach itself to you, repair any damages to the area, and was actually better than your old leg in pretty much every way... but doing so might corrupt you, but also prevent you from dying... what would you do?”

“Hmm... I suppose survival is rather important, and the corruption of a single might be able to be abated or reduced relatively easily. Would Clark’s augmentations be more extensive, then? I mean beyond the stomach and heart the medical staff are still tearing out their manes over.”

“As far as I know, it’s just his arm otherwise. Anyways, that’s how the demons worked. You fight, you win, you get upgraded by stealing parts, these upgraded parts help you survive when someone tries to fight you for your parts. I’m trying to break him of the habit, but... it’s pretty ingrained. He’s been gone a long time.”

“I would assume so. Habits of survival take a great deal of time and specific effort to break.”

“Nobody else seems to get that though, and... I’m afraid there are more people like Applejack out there, but worse. I don’t really know what to do about that other than just try to defend him, even though everyone thinks I’m a monster for protecting a monster.”

“I understand, Anthony. Ponies are not exactly... rational all the time. Or even most of the time.”

“Well, until the world starts opening up... I guess we’re all just gonna be a bunch of monsters to them. Just wanna do something about it. But not really much I can do.”

“I suppose not. I’m sorry there is not much I can do to alleviate that problem.” She looks up at the clocktower. “Well, if I want to get anything unproductive done today, I’ll need to hurry. I’ll speak with you later, Anthony.”

“Seeya.”

Chapter 168

Well, seeing as how a crisis was just barely, and yet also obviously avoided, I figure I might as well see how the Apples are doing.

The walk to the orchard just seems to take longer and longer every time I attempt the trek. I ponder the idea of just asking AJ how they’re doing next time I see her but... Nah, might as well make it a bit more personal.

After a long time, I finally see the farmhouse, wondering how they expect anyone with less than four legs to make a trip like this. Oh well, I’m here and only a little tired. Might as well get their side of this story now that it’s all over.

As I arrive at the farmhouse, I see that the lights are on inside, the gentle flicker of candles revealing the shadowed silhouettes of the family within.

Well, as likely as it is that they are celebrating, I at least want this to be dealt with so we can just sweep this all under the rug. Knocking on the door it doesn’t take long for an answer.

Big Mac, looking as sedate as usual, greets me. “Hallo, Anthony. Watcha need?”

“Figured I’d see how things are, get her side of the whole story, she didn’t really get a chance to at the trial. Though being the accused it isn’t exactly a surprise... sorry, I... Court cases are a bit of a sore spot for me. Anyway, I wanna see what we can do to prevent this from happening again. From anyone.” I emphasize the last point to make sure he’s aware that I don’t think Applejack is scum or whatever.

“Ah’right. C’mon on in.”

I step inside and the smell of ‘inhabited animal house’ is just as prevalent as ever. Oh well, at least it’s better than Fluttershy’s place.

Granny Smith is asleep in the rocking chair by the fire, Big Mac sits down on the couch next to Applejack, and ‘Bloom is happily doodling with crayons on a piece of paper. Those crayons can’t taste good, right?

Well, if you don’t have hands I suppose. Still, I can’t imagine doing half the things these ponies do with their mouths. The only thing I haven’t seen them do is change a diaper... I’m willing to bet they’d draw the line there too.

“So, crisis averted I take it? Everything all better?” AJ doesn’t look me in the eye, but she at least doesn’t look too upset.

“Eeyup. Sorta.” Comes Mac’s response.

“Well, if I’m any indication, a bad experience takes quite a while to scab over. Don’t worry that things aren’t suddenly perfect just because it’s over. But I guess what I’m here for is to talk about why it’s not all perfect. Ponies seem to just let stuff go. What I’m seeing here looks more like a human response to nearly-avoided tragedy.”

“Well, Ah can’t say ah’m feelin’ a-okay, but Ah’ll be fine, Anthony. Ah just need to... let it settle. Earth Ponies hold on, y’know?”

“Well, I’m no therapist or psychiatrist, but humor me. You are only still in any kind of trouble on a purely technical level, Clark doesn’t even seem upset with you for what you said... what’s eatin’ at ya?”

AJ sighs, and leans against her brother with a pained face. “Ah just don’ know why Ah don’ like him. I mean, I know he’s lyin’ about something real important, and it just rubs me wrong!” She stops to take a deep breath, Mac having wrapped a tree-trunk-like foreleg around her shoulders. “Ah- Ah just don’ feel safe around him, and Ah don’ feel safe havin’ others around him neither.”

“But I do. He means more to me than just my best friend... he’s a lifeline. If he survived then maybe, just maybe... somehow my family did too. Or at least some of them. Him being here means there’s a possibility I haven’t really lost everything after all. I know he’s not the most trustworthy person out there, but neither am I. He’s made some... bad choices, I admit... but I understand why he made them. I want to fix him, so he doesn’t have to act like a demon anymore. And when you threatened him I... I could say I overreacted, but I really don’t think I did.”

“Ah understand. He’s like family to ya. Ah get that. Ah just don’ think Ah’ll ever feel comfortable around him. Ah’m sorry, but Ah’m not gonna lie.”

“Yeah, I know. And I get why. Frankly if it was any other circumstance, I’d agree with you. He’s really really messed up, it just doesn’t show that often. But if we kill him, we won’t get a chance to make him better. You don’t have to like him, but... just don’t hurt him or treat him like a rabid animal. He kinda is... but I’m sure we can do something about that... do you think we can?”

“Ah- Ah can’t promise that, Anthony. Ah can promise Ah won’t try to attack him again, but Ah won’t work with him.” AJ burrows her face into her brother’s shoulder, and I can see tears streaking his red coat.

“Well, I’m not gonna try and force you to like him, that’s just unfair. We should be glad that he doesn’t hate you, and move on from there. Alright?”

“Yeah... Ah can live with that. Ah’m sorry fer hittin’ you, Anthony, with that knee-strike. Wasn’t needed, and Ah coulda messed it up fer good if ah wasn’t careful.”

“Eh, I coulda done worse to you... we were both a little out of our minds there. If you’re sorry, then I am too. Let’s just try and keep anyone else from becoming a nazi. It never ends well.”

“Yeah. Hey, thanks fer comin’ by. How ‘bout ya stay fer dinner? Ah think a big, home-cooked meal would be good fer clearing the stress, right?” Applejack offers. A chorus of happy agreements comes from the other Apples and I.

Once dinner is over, I can tell that all the tension seems to have just left out the door. Feeling full and tired, I decide it’s time to head back. I bid the now much happier family goodbye and make my way back to Ponyville. Man, a warm meal like that, now I feel ready to sleep.

Not that much further... to the town limits that is. You know what? I’m just gonna... sleep on the grass. I get a little further and, as fate would have it, I end up by the schoolhouse and decide to just lay down in the grass like I did before.

As I’m sitting down, waiting to fall asleep, I see a mildly confused-looking stallion walking the nearly-deserted streets. He’s got a pale coat and a dark mane, and is looking rather suspicious in the late-evening moonrise. He keeps glancing at the houses, and I’m not sure what for. However, he’s not doing anything illegal, so I guess I don’t need to bother him, much.

Suspicious looking characters at least get the intimidation treatment. I stand up and it’s somewhat difficult with how tired I am, and seeing the moon rising makes me yawn. I amble over to the shady guy and get in front of him.

“Dunno who you are, don’t care. Whatever business you have, I’m not gonna be a part of unless you do something stupid. If you’re looking for a relatively uninhabited place to sleep and don’t mind not having a roof, there’s a nice little area over there.” I point towards the edge of Ponyville to the West near the Everfree forest. “‘Course if you do become a problem, I’m gonna have to burn your eyeballs out of their sockets ‘r whatever...” He looks nonplussed, but I don’t bother waiting for a reaction, I just head back to the field by the schoolhouse and just drop to the soft grass.

Really comfy.

Chapter 169

I wake up with a stinging sensation across my face and I jump up ready to fight whatever hit me... and stumble over onto my face. Why can’t my legs wake up as fast as I do? “Mmm, wha’ happened?”

“Anthony! Where have you been!?”

“Here. Asleep. Tired.” I grab the nearest softest object and lean my head on it as a pillow. Twilight seems to have some form of problem with her back being said soft object. “Shhhh... pillows don’t talk...”

“Anthony! Get off of me this is a public area stop stop stop!”

“Meh.” She’s fuzzy, and I’m tired. Seems like a great match to me. I try to go back to sleep but I’m pushed to the ground and have my nose hit a rock with a SPACK “Uuuuuuuugh, ‘n I’m up, I’m up, where’s the fire?”

“Anthony, where were you last night? You didn’t come back to the library, and I started having a panic attack, and I’m really glad Spike told me to check around town before sending in a report to Celestia that you’d been foalnapped, and-”

“First off, calm your damn tits, it’s too early for this.”

“It’s one in the afternoon.”

“As I was saying. Do you really think anyone could keep me contained for long once I’d woken up? Who could kidnap me, really?”

“There is such a thing as blunt-force-trauma-to-the-head and sleep spells.”

“Whatever, I’m here, I’m fine, and you know it. I was here all night long after I went to talk with the Apples... man those guys can cook a helluva meal...”

“And you couldn’t have told me? Gah, fine, but don’t do that again! I was worried alright?”

“Yeah, that’s kind of obvious. You sound like my mom or something. Anyway, now that the most exciting part of your day is over, what’s going on, you need me for something?”

“No, I was just worried because you disappeared without warning. If you’re sure you’re alright...”

I roll my eyes. “Well unless I got a stain on my pants from sleeping on the grass, I am wholly unchanged.”

“Alright, alright.” Twilight takes a few deep breaths. “Well, I guess I’ll go tell Spike he was right, and you’re fine. You have a nice day, then.” She turns to leave.

“Wait a sec. Where’s Clark? I wanna talk to him about the trial too.”

“Oh, he’s stopped sleeping at the library. He mentioned insomnia, and that he planned to move in with Fluttershy. He said he was tired of sleeping under the couch in the side room.”

“Eh, alright. I’ll...” I turn to head for Fluttershy’s cottage but I spot the schoolhouse and get an idea. “Hey, if you see Discord around, tell him to meet me here, alright? I have something he might want to hear.”

“Uhm... I’ll, er, be sure to mention it.” She doesn’t look like she means it. Jeez, she’s almost got as bad a poker face as Applejack.

“Thanks. This might be a very... educational day for him.” Assuming she does send Discord over.

I walk to the schoolhouse and I see Cheerilee at her desk looking through some papers. She looks up at my entrance. “Ah, hello Anthony. Did you sleep well?” She chuckles, obviously having seen me outside. “I was under the impression that you slept elsewhere. You haven’t been out on the playground in quite a while now.”

“Eh, old habits... and it was the best available place at the time. Anyway, I recall you offering me a chance to speak to the class on a subject of my choice. If it’s at all possible, I’d like to make that today. I have a very interesting lesson planned. You might like to hear it as well.”

Cheerilee looks over her schedules and shifts some papers around. “Well... I could make it today, and you could talk as long as you like, but it’d have to be the first thing on the agenda for today, I only have space there if I shuffle a few things around. Is that alright?”

“That’s perfect. I’ll be back when the kids start showing up.”

“Glad we got something settled. And what will your speech be about?”

I give her a grin. “It’s a surprise.”

The teacher gets a rather confused look on her face, but doesn’t stop me. Looks like the plan is still on. Time to unravel some misconceptions.

When the kids show up, the special lesson is announced, though the subject matter is still a mystery. I walk in and sit down on a chair I pull up to the chalkboard. The children seem very interested in what I’m going to teach them. I hear a few kids murmur about me telling them how to slay monsters and be a hero. But I don’t say anything. Finally, a hoof is raised.

“Uh... so what are you gonna teach us about?”

I stand up and smile wider. Grabbing a piece of chalk, I write on the board in wavy, crooked letters of varying sizes, writing a just barely legible ‘CHAOS’ on the board. “I am here to talk about this. Chaos.”

Again, the talking. Cheerilee looks about to call for them to pay attention, but I give a subtle shake of my head. She catches it and lets the kids continue. Finally one question is said loud enough to be directed at me. “So... what is chaos?”

“Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Chaos is not what you hear people tell you it is. Chaos is not evil. Far from it really, chaos can be a very powerful force for good.”

“But... how?”

“The answer to that... varies. Chaos is about randomness, spontaneity, the unusual and the strange. The mistakes, the accidents, the differences. It’s all chaos. Chaos is constantly happening, and it is everywhere.”

The children look around the room. “Where?”

I point to the child who spoke, a little cobalt-blue pegasus filly a bit bigger than Scootaloo. “Why are you blue?”

“Huh?”

“Why is your coat blue? Why isn’t anyone else blue? Why isn’t everyone a pegasus?”

“Uh... ‘cause... we...”

The kid trails off and another student chances an answer. “We were born that way?”

“Well yeah, but what makes you different from everyone else? Why don’t you all look, act, speak, and talk the same? Chaos! Chaos is why you are individuals. Chaos is the nature of things being different than usual. It could be as complex as, I don’t know... clouds raining candy... but it can range to you seeing something on your way to school you don’t usually see. Chaos is the spice of life. It makes things new and interesting.”

“But... I like things being safe...” Ah, the response of a misguided child. I am here to fix that.

“I’m sure you do. But if every day was exactly the same, you never met anyone new, never said or heard anything new, never learned anything new, and everything everyone did was exactly the same forever-”

“I’d be bored out my mind!” Yells Scootaloo, who seems to be on my wavelength.

“Exactly! Chaos isn’t just big things, it’s little things. It’s the core of life, it’s why mistakes happen, and new things are invented because someone had a new idea, one that was different, a chaotic idea. Where would we be without books, or balls, or things with wheels? Who decided to make a clock? Looking at the sky and assigning numbers to various phases of light?”

The kids respond with more murmuring, things along the lines of “Sounds crazy like that.” and such.

“Chaos is, at its most basic core, variety and change. If it weren’t for chaos, there would be no color or even light, because they come in shades and forms different from another, they are chaotic. A mess on the floor could be chaotic, sure, but if the mess was intentional then it isn’t chaos, because it was fully planned. Some call this ‘organized chaos’ but that is not what the term means.”

“So what does it mean?”

“I’m not really sure, but if it’s fully intentional for something to be a certain way and it does end up that way, it’s order, not chaos.”

“My head hurts...” Some of the other kids agree with this.

“Well I think he’s on a roll!” Discord pops out of thin air to congratulate me.

“Thank you Discord, I was hoping I was doing your position justice, I-”

A kid speaks up. “No, you’re on a roll... like for real.”

I look down and see that my chair has been turned into a lightly buttered biscuit of sorts. “It seems I am. How different. How chaotic. What would be even more chaotic is if this didn’t taste like a roll, but something else. Or would it? See, chaos is complex. If I expect this to not taste like a roll, and it doesn’t... it could be considered chaos, just expected chaos. You can, in fact, plan on chaos. You just can’t force it unless you are being chaotic.”

“How do you do that?” Surprisingly, it’s Discord who asks this.

“Well... any number of ways. It could be you walk home a different way than normal, or you jump on top of a park bench and start doing a trick or something. You did something out of the ordinary, and therefore created chaos. In a minor amount of course. Large amounts of chaos would be things like... well a chair suddenly turning into a bread product. Something immediately changes from one thing into another when it is not supposed to naturally. Like turning an apple into an orange or a pear. Sure it seems minor, it’s just an apple, but the fact that you altered it in such a way so that it barely resembles what it was supposed to be, is quite a lot of chaos.”

A filly jumps on top of her desk and shouts “This is chaos!!”

After recovering from the sudden outburst, I reply. “Yes, yes it is. Just remember, without chaos, nobody would be special, and there would be nothing new to say, think, or discover. Life itself is impossible without chaos. If everything was the same, there wouldn’t be other animals like rabbits or snakes or birds, everything and everyone would look and be exactly the same.”

“But... what would we look like?”

“Who knows, but whatever it is isn’t nearly as good as what we have, thanks to chaos.” Discord is practically preening himself at this point.  “So Discord, what’s it like being able to focus chaos?”

“Focus it? I control chaos!”

“Actually, you don’t.”

This gets everyone surprised, but mostly him. “What?”

“If you had total control of chaos and could dictate what it did and when it happened, and there couldn’t be chaos without you, then why are all these various children, products of chaos, here when it’s obvious they were born while you were still imprisoned? Chaos is a force of nature that can be directed but not controlled. If it could be controlled completely, then there would be nothing chaotic about it. And Discord, you are very special in that you can create chaos on a level nobody else can, and that can really break routine. Chaos is a force for good, and is only bad when it is misused, and in that case, it is not the fault of chaos itself, but the person who caused it. Blaming chaos for someone setting fire to a tree would be like blaming gravity for your cup falling to the ground after someone pushed it off a table. Chaos is important, and calling it bad or evil is the opinion of one who does not understand what chaos really is: The spice of life, and so the reason life is worth living!”

My long-winded speech done, I take the time to catch my breath and let the kids talk amongst themselves about how I pretty much contradicted and out-logic'd every bit of propaganda they’d ever heard about chaos... in half an hour. It feels good.

“Anyway, I’ll let Miss Cheerilee get back to her lesson plan. Hey Discord, wanna turn a lake into banana pudding?”

“...Why?” First time I’ve heard that from him. Guess my speech had an impact on him too.

“Why not?”

“Good point, let’s go!”

“Discord, never change.”

“Why would I ever want to change? I-” When he sees my knowing smile, he stops for a moment. “Hmmm... anyway let’s go make some chocolate pudding!”

“I thought I suggested banana?”

“Chaos isn’t about what you want, Anthony.”

“Exactly. Seeya kids!” The class bids me and Discord goodbye, and Cheerilee thanks me for coming in. I just wish I was able to give that speech in front of a few others. Oh well, teaching children the real facts of life is important. Today is going pretty good.

Chapter 170

Discord and I, after getting the rest of the pudding off and unsummoning the giant diving board, go our separate ways. It takes a little while to recall what else I planned or today, but I do recall wanting to talk to Clark about the trial and his side of the story. You know, that’s kind of odd. Now that I think of it, Clark was never asked to speak... courts always ask for both stories, even if the accused has admitted to being guilty... Oh well, at least I can get it from him now.

Heading over to Fluttershy’s, I briefly imagine why they don’t have things like teleporters or something. I mean... why not? Certainly make moving around town faster. Oh well.

I get to the little cottage and I’m about to just walk in when I mentally slap myself. If I start doing this, the ponies will never get the idea of total privacy into their heads. Knocking briefly, Fluttershy opens the door.

“Heya Fluttershy. Can I come in?”

“Of course. Are you here to see Anne?” Fluttershy is in rare form today.

“No, I wanted to talk with Clark, actually.” Turning, I see he’s sleeping on the couch. “Well, I can wait for him to wake up. That’s something I’m used to.”

“Well, I don’t know how long you’ll have to wait. I can get Anne to keep you-”

“Fluttershy, quit it. Shippers ruin lives.”

“O- okay...?”

Now the waiting game. Man I wish they’d invent a portable gaming system already. The Game & Watch can’t be that far off, can it?

After about another hour of watching Clark slowly shift and roll in his sleep, he finally wakes up from catching a stray sunbeam to the face. He seems confused about finding me in the living room as well.

“Finally awake, or are you just going to blame the sun and go back to bed?”

“... Answer unclear. Ask again later. What time is it?”

“Well let’s see. It was about one when I got up, I gave a speech to the schoolkids for around a half-hour, and then went pudding-diving for twenty minutes. I say it’s one-fifty-five right now if I include the walk here.”

“Uh-huh. Sorry for sleeping in like this, I was up real late, gettin’ active and all, y’know?”

“Sure you were. Up all night to get lucky, are we?”

“Not really, no. Mostly stretching, bends, and the like. Fluttershy was kind enough to stay out with me, but she went to bed before me.”

“Yeah well, hate to sour the mood but... well, I got AJ’s side of the whole ‘kill the monster’ fiasco. Let’s hear yours.”

“This is something Twilight, and by extension the Princesses, need to hear too. I’d rather explain this once, so let me write Flutters a message and we’ll go to the library.”

“Fine. Oh by the way, I’m not sure how much information that Twilight gleans on Celestia’s behalf is relayed to Luna. I’d suggest you just talk to her personally if you want her to get a full story. She’s a lot more fun to chat with than her sister at least.”

“Well, given the nature of the information, I expect they’ll both hear about it rather quickly.” Clark says, tacking the note the door and stepping out smoothly. I don’t know how, but he makes the step-duck-step movement graceful in an eerie sort of way.

Great, now a trek back to the library. Wonder how many more places we’ll have to go today? Oh well... I guess if I get to hear his story, it’s worth it. The trek back is completely ordinary.

Once at the library, we get Twilight to be available, and Clark tells her to get some paper and quill.

“First thing I have to tell you is that I’ve been lying by omission since I arrived.” Clark starts.

I shrug. “Well, I just figured you’d want to keep your real name secret just in case, if you’re fine with-”

“No. That’s only a little part, and I suppose I’m not who I was anyways.” ‘Join the club.’ my mind interjects silently. “The most important thing is that my arm was not the only demonic part I received before coming here.” He reaches up with his normal hand and pulls his lower jaw open, revealing that it splits down the front. I vaguely remember seeing this at the hospital. Twilight, though gasps, especially as tiny, thorn-like ‘teeth’ pop out of the ‘cheek’ material, all of them pointed inwards.

“You think that’s creepy, you should see a Gug.”

“What do you think I got this thing from? It tore off my jaw, so I took pieces off to make this. Frankly, it’s a miracle it even looks human, let alone closes normally.”

“So... Lovecraftian horrors are rampant as well? Damn, how’d you survive!?”

“Well, that’s part of this talk. The demon incursion started out with very generic features, and everything on the ones seen later were either changes to or direct graftings of existing designs, with a few exceptions. A group, who were called the ‘Elderspawn Cult’ by other clans, went for the Cthulu theme, but it was clearly based on the stories, and they rarely matched up, other than having lots of combat tentacles everywhere. Speaking of, there was... six? Eight? I’d need to check my notes, but there was around six or eight clans in the pacific northwest area, including bits of Canada and down as far as northern California. I didn’t range farther than that, though; too far from my own clan.”

“So... the first demon that came through to Ponyville. It had like... this giant mouth on it’s stomach and these huge arms but otherwise looked mostly... human?” Twilight turns to me for confirmation of what ‘normal human’ looks like and I nod.

“Yeah, huge arms, looked like he was made of magma, and had this giant scorpion tail of doom. Totally human legs and face.”

“So.. kinda like a demonic cartoon gorilla?” I nod. “Probably either Endbringer or Beastlings, then. Might have been a rogue, simply killing the demons it finds to get more powerful. was its hide really tough, or did it tend to roar a lot?”

“Not roaring. Really loud voice, but talked pretty darn well. It was pretty hard to hurt until I lightspeed-punched his face into chunklets. Said some stuff about going after the Fount of Kindness as I recall. ‘Swhy I’m glad you and Anne are living with Fluttershy. If he didn’t ‘land’ so close to the center of town, he might’ve got her.”

“Yeah, Endbringer then. Most of us were pretty into the whole ‘demonic ascendency’ thing, but I wasn’t. Still, the fact that you punched it to death is incredible. I’ve seen that kind of hide bounce literal tank shells before.”

“Well as I said, wasn’t really just a punch. I was moving as close as I could get to the speed of light and socked him so fast that... well, you ever seen that guy who smashed that watermelon with a mallet? Yeah, pretty much like that, but it broke my hand.”

“Ah, that must’ve sucked. I broke this arm,” he gestures towards the demonic one, “exactly once. Never again, says I. Anyways, I have several other... augmentations. I don’t think I can really be classified as ‘human’ anymore. I’ve got a few augmentations that were singularly unpleasant to receive, though I was told at the time it was all for the better. Considering the later usage, I’d have to agree, but still...” Clark winces and wipes his hand on his pants.

“Hey, you aren’t some monster hellbent on murdering. You have your self control, and that’s what makes the difference between you and the real demons. They can call that arm freaky all they want. I say corruption is only important if it hits your brain.”

“Well...” Clark doesn’t meet my eyes. “I’m not sure it doesn’t. I’ve watched the others in the clan. They change, personality-wise, the more they get augmented. It’s different for everyone, but similar augments seem to have similar effects. Endbringer reactive hide makes you more aggressive, wendigo stomach makes you ravenous, all the time. And a little more accepting of... long pork. Other things. Little things. My hand’s steady now. Never moves unless it’s to do something.” He looks down at the golden eye on the back of his hand. “How much is me, how much is the rest?”

“Hey, I still think you’re the same... as long as you can still whoop my ass in a game of Star Wars Trivial Pursuit.”

“Hmmm... an exogorth makes an appearance in which movie?”

“Uh... A New Hope?”

“Well, you had a one in six chance... and you missed. Still, I bet you can’t find one I don’t know.”

“What... is the official species name for the Sand people?”

“Tusken raiders... or so many would say. They’re just Tuskens, as the Tusken Plateau is where they came from originally. They ride Banthas, which also act as their meat source and pack animals, and were sacred in their native religion.” He grins.

“Ha, yup, still you, buddy.”

Twilight seems to be giving us weird looks. “But... that’s... they’ve never been named yet! Geode

Loosends hasn’t even revealed a third playwright, how can there be six!?”

I see Clark choke at the mention of the name, looking utterly disconcerted.

“Yeah, I know.” I roll my eyes and grab a book from the shelf behind me. “Check out who wrote ‘Hitchhiker's Guide’.”

Clark looks for the book, finds it, and makes a face like he just sucked a lemon dry. “Crou- Croupless Apples?! That’s...” his face returns to normal as he thinks it over, “actually about par for the course, really.”

“Yeah yeah, anyway, we should probably fill the bookworm’s notes with more than movie spoilers. So exactly when did the demon invasion start? Everything was totally normal when I was pulled to Equestria, and Myrna says she saw it in Olympia in 2016. How near did I miss it?”

“I got a call one morning. You’d disappeared overnight, and your mom wanted to know if you’d run off to hang out with me. When I checked the news later, in case the police had found anything, I learned they had... you and almost a hundred million others from around the world had vanished within a twenty-four-hour period, coinciding with the sweep of midnight across the planet.” Clark pauses, taking a few breaths. His face is pinched and his expression pained.

“I wonder why me? I mean, as one of the millions among the countless other possibilities? Unless God plays dice after all...”

“Or chess. Six days later, around midnight, the first hellmouth opened. The hundredth was less than six hours after. There weren’t casualty statistics after a day, and there weren’t radio broadcasts after three. Goddess... if only I’d gotten to my family sooner. Or maybe.. maybe I’d just be dead if I had.” Clark puts his head into his hands.

Trying to take the mood off the darker path, I return to an earlier point. “So you said millions of other humans vanished. I have two theories. One, they all ended up here, but spread across the planet so far that wherever they end up they aren’t considered a new species but a one-off deal like me and we haven’t heard any news from them in the two years since The Vanishing... or they were flung across the universe -or multiverse as the case may be- and only a few of us ended up here on Terra.” I turn to Twilight. “You understand the planet better than we do, what do you think is more likely?

“Well, there isn’t more than two-hundred-million ponies in Equestria, so it’s unlikely half that many humans, likely all with some form of powers, simply dropped in with you and just weren’t noticed. As well, the various humans dropping in lately have been showing up in a staggered lack-of-pattern. It’s possible they weren’t just dropped to other places...”

“But other times!” Clark and I both say simultaneously.

“Right. So even if they did all get dropped here, they might not arrive in total for the next thousand or more years. And there is always the possibility they got dropped into alternate versions of Equestria, Earth, or anywhere else.”

“I envy whoever gets to drop in with superpowers on Korhal.”

“Heh, yeah. Either get their heads bitten off by a bunch of Zerg, or become a ‘God-on-duty’ depending on what they roll for their skills, so to speak. Though there’s something that bugs me, because it can’t really be answered. See, we don’t really know what the Earth/Terra relationship is. Is Terra an alternate-universe Earth, or is it in the same universe, but very very far away in a totally different solar system? It could be that Terra is the universe’s ‘backup-Earth’ in case of catastrophe... or Terra just got lucky and the others are flung out to other worlds, Terra just seeming to get the majority.”

“Well, actually... about six months after the first hellmouth, there was a burst transmission. It woke me up. A huge amount, untallied at the time due to, y’know, personnel shortages, of people, demons, and slaves had been vanished. Everyone hoped it was a lucky break, and they had just decided to leave.”

“Well, I don’t have an idea of what Myrna went through, but Anne said she was a refugee for quite a while and didn’t know the date because of the demonic takeover. If that’s true, then it’s possible not all the humans who were to be sent here were ‘picked up’ during the same years, as Myrna definitely stated it was 2016 when she ‘left’ and she arrived two weeks before we found her in the Everfree.”

“Medusa probably lived in the Rise, then. A bunch of survivors lived in one of the older military bases. Y’know, nothing but solid stone and steel, with ways out everywhere. They had a hill and the Sound to escape to in an emergency, and plenty of military folks joined ‘em. Endbringers, Elderspawn, even the Daughters tried taking the place, but kept getting rebuffed rather soundly. I got shot for the first time in one of those failed raids.”

I do my best to ignore the notion of my friend being part of a demonic raid. “And I assume nobody has tried or been able to ‘dig’ into what the Hellmouths are, how they got there, where they originate from, or anything like that. Once the demons are there they don’t need to worry about returning, and I doubt any non-demon would be able to survive long enough to learn and live.”

“Actually, the Endbringers slept in one. Once it stops spitting out Demons, it’s just a hole in the ground, going down, and down, and down... fire at the bottom, probably the mantle being breached a little.”

“So Hell is quite literally underneath the Earth’s crust? Hm...”

“No, don’t think so. The clan head told me when I asked that she came through when it was all ‘fire and blades of seeming.’ This was before she died, of course. She was less talkative afterwards.”

“Understandable. So I guess the main worry is that we know it’s likely more demons are going to come through. If they figure out how to somehow mimic whatever force brought the humans here, the demons will start coming through as well. We have proof that’s a possibility, what with that one demon-gorilla guy coming out of literally nowhere. We just don’t have any clue where it will happen again and how long we have.”

“Or whatever brought the humans off of Earth has really terrible eyesight and can’t tell a demonic human from a real human.” Clark adds.

“I suppose, but that also leaves one more thing. Myrna and Anne didn’t have those animal parts before coming here, and I know I couldn’t set myself on fire with my mind... whatever’s sending the humans through is rolling dice and giving us powers. Why?”

“Idunno. Maybe to help us survive? Maybe it’s not that whatever-it-is, but Terra itself, trying to help us or making us not human. Might be Terra is a bigot.”

“Could be, if the majority of the races’ reaction to me is any indication. But if it is giving us powers for a reason, wouldn’t it be at least nice enough to give some sort of reason as to why?”

“Uhm... Well, if it’s something literally unknowable giving us powers, maybe it sat us down for a full lecture, gave us a gameplan, and then we wiped it from our own minds to preserve our sanity?”

“How the heck does that-”

I interrupt Twilight. “That’s possible, or it could be working on a kind of schedule and just picking people and powersets at random. Heck, we both have a star core, but some of our powers still differ. Speaking of, with your plant control, you could probably turn the Everfree Forest into a hundred-acre army and wipe out any demon that drops within Ponyville’s area. Just a supposition.”

“I- don’t want to do that. The last one brought up something I hadn’t thought of in... two years. Give or take.”

“Yeah... I miss her too. Anyways... her aside, I think we should get back on track. What happened with you before you were dropped into the Canterlot Castle Gardens and assaulted by guards?”

“Well, I was sleeping... but leading up to that, I had actually recently won a dominance battle. Corella said she’d give me a new set of eyes in the morning, not that I really needed them. Near-sightedness aside, I didn’t like the red-and-orange of Skewer’s eyes.”

“Yeah, if I had to swap out eyes, I’d prefer a nice purple or light green. Too far into the orange spectrum and you start freaking out each time you look in a mirror. You’d want the anesthetic-less surgery to be worth it after all.”

“Yeah, that and I’d have gaping wounds on my head from where they put ‘em in. Those eyes were bigger than mine by a good bit. Uhm... before that, I killed a small group of the Raven Flock, they have magic of their own. They say it comes from special glands.”

“So whatever force is bringing us here likes to wait until we’re asleep before taking us. That makes a bit of sense from a few perspectives, so I guess the next thing to think about is if the area and time they are taken from has any determination on their Terra-side powerset, and if there’s any pattern to what they get other than that, such as where they land, or such.”

“Well, I was west of the Olympia mountain range. Still, it was better than showing up in the ocean. I’ve checked, both Earth and Terra are mostly covered in water. Hmm, let me think... leading up to that, I’d done some recon on a pack of Blood Knights, or Sanguine Knights, or whatever they call themselves. They do things with blood. Theirs, yours, doesn’t matter. Once it’s spilled, they have it. Hmm... Gimme a sec, I have some notes on the clans stashed around here. I wrote it down once I figured out quills.” Clark proceeds to move into the side room, pausing only to pull up a seven-ish-foot-long board from the floor, retrieving a sheaf of papers and a sandwich that’s a little green. He pops the sandwich into his mouth and my stomach does a flop.

“So, is that on all the clans, or just the Blood guys?”

“The ones I know of. The Wendigoes wandered Canada for the most part, I sometimes traded folks for information. They mentioned other clans elsewhere, but I don’t have anything solid on them.” He begins organizing the papers, absently snagging some flowers from a vase. The flowers are wilted, but apparently edible as he stuffs them into his mouth.

“So first off, I think we need to clarify something for Twilight. They seem to have a creature called a Windigo, with an I, and aside from the cold-affinity, there seems to be no relation whatsoever with Wendigos, which is what Clark killed and got his stomach from, the cow-headed thing from half a month ago. We should probably cover those first just so we can get the differences settled so the similar names aren’t a problem. Agreed?”

“Oh, right, I read about those... windigoes are spirits of hatred, distrust, and factionalism. I’m not sure if they’re literal or just extinct, but they haven’t been seen in the last thousand-plus years or so. Wendigoes are a clan of demons named for a human myth about what happens to cannibals; they turn into literal monsters and get hunted down for it. They’re always hungry, both the demons and the legends, and the demon versions get bigger the more they eat and shrink as they starve, their bodies constantly repair themselves with anything they eat. The biggest are the ‘leaders’, though I say that with quotes because they tend to be loners. The really big ones grow antlers, have bony carapaces, etc. The littler ones just digest their own skin by existing, and the bigger ones grow fire-resistant skin and carapace. I can honestly say I don’t know much about them beyond that, though. They can shoot cold, and they freeze the hell out of wherever they go. The smaller ones can be taken care of with fire. They eat people and each other.”

“But the one we- you fought had antlers, but you said fire worked... so it was in a higher tier, but not the top. I don’t know how to gauge the first demon that came through, so I don’t know if it’s escalating, or just being random.”

“Big, muscley, probably had a nice accent?”

“Yeah, as you said, giant magmatic cartoon gorilla. As I said, it had a very loud voice, but it’s speech seemed almost like it was from a proper culture. The difference in voice and appearance was kind of astounding.”

“Yeah, that’s a middler that got a lucky grab with that skin. Probably skinned itself regularly to keep it growing.” Clark says, finally getting his notes in order.

“Mhmm, so until another one comes through, it’s either escalating what demons are let through -or sent here- or if it’s totally random. Given yours, mine, and Myrna’s location, time of arrival, and touchdown point, I doubt those three things have anything to do with what happens to us... but the demons seem to be left alone. The thought occurs that it’s possible that Earth has become too... ravaged, and whatever force is flinging people around is dropping in suped-up normals and demons to duke it out and eventually all the demons -or humans- will be wiped out, but the touchdowns are infrequent enough to prevent a demonic takeover if they are dispatched soon enough. What do you think Twilight, does that sound reasonable on Terra’s end?”

“Augh. Erg. Guh.” Twilight seems to have switched off at some point in the conversation.

“Damnit, we broke the smartest pony in town. Now who do we get to bounce ideas off of?”

“... Gimme a sec, I found a trick that works.” He reaches over and boops the stuttering pony on the nose, and yells ‘BOOP!’ at the top of his lungs. Twilight shrieks and falls over, flailing. After a moment, she sits up, breathing hard. “See? Works on Flutters, works on Dash, and now I have proof it works on Twilight.”

“Okay, so they have a ‘reset’ button, good to know. So Twilight, you catch any of that, or do we have to start over?”

“Uhhh... could you start from explaining Wendigos?”

I sigh. Oh well.

Chapter 171

It’s going to take me some time to digest everything I’ve heard today. There was far more explaining beyond the Wendigo explanation, but I can’t process it just yet

Twilight wanted to have something to study physically, but changed her mind rather quickly when we brought in whatever bits of the wendigo were left. Then she demanded we help get the blood off the floor before it stained. Women! First they say one thing...

I’m not really sure of what to do with all the new information. One thing is for sure though, this isn’t the kind of thing to keep to ourselves. It’s decided that we should have a group discussion with the other Element Bearers.

“But we can’t, not today.”

“Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Twilight? What better time than right when the info is fresh in our minds?”

“Well...” She levitates a calendar of sorts out of a drawer and flips it open. “Well, Applejack is probably still recovering, and I’ve got her scheduled for continuing to do so until tomorrow at eight AM, Rainbow Dash is monitoring a wild storm cell moving along the edge of the Everfree, and Pinkie Pie is participating in an out-of-town pie-baking-and-eating contest and won’t be back until tomorrow, and while I have the rest of the day clear for now, Fluttershy has a census to take of the local swallow population. Apparently, there’s two types migrating in, and she needs to figure out if they’re-”

“African or european swallows?” Clark interjects hopefully.

I turn to my friend and we high five at Twilight’s utter confusion.

“Er, no... Zebrican or Minopean, actually.”

“You ponies ruin all the jokes. You guys should get a taste of real comedy some time.”

“Well, either way, they have things that must be done today, so the earliest we could have a meeting about this is tomorrow. I can begin planning it now, if you have nothing else to add?”

I make a suggestion. “Tell them we’ll have beer and pie.”

“What, why?”

“More people will come if there’s beer and pie!”

“...There are only five that need to attend, and they’d come regardless of desserts or alcohol.”

“Eh, whatever. Fine, nothing to add then.”

“Well, since I scare small animals, I think I’ll stay here instead of halting Fluttershy’s progress. I can show you some of the diagrams I’ve drawn. Wasn’t so good at drawing until I had plenty in front of me, y’know?” Clark says, and Twilight takes him up on the offer. I think it’s because the guts Clark will be showing her this time have already been cleaned and dissected, so no mess.

“Yeah, alright... so what happens while we wait? I’m pretty sure Twilight can look over pictures without help.”

“Yes, but I didn’t exactly label them. You go find something to do, I’ll explain to Twilight.” Clark makes shooing motions at me.

“Fine, whatever.” I head out to Ponyville and just start... ambling around town, not really much to do.

Fate seems to have pulled my feet to take me to the schoolhouse, despite it not being a school day. I don’t even go to school anymore, why do I pay attention to that? Well, it is late, so school would be out by now anyway. I’m walking by the building trying to think what to do now. There’s the playground, but they still don’t have anything intended for tall bipeds.

Sighing, I look around at the constructs, thinking of how I could misuse them in an entertaining way, if using them in the intended way is out.

“Ah, Anthony!” I turn to see who spoke, and it’s Cheerilee, coming out of the schoolhouse. “I was actually needing to speak with you. Would you like to come in, or would you rather speak outside?”

I shrug and head for the schoolhouse, indicating my choice. I pull a chair up around in front of her desk so we can talk about whatever she needs. Something tells me she feels a bit conflicted. It’s mainly noticeable because it’s not something I see much from her.

“So whatcha need, teach’?”

“Well, it’s a bit of a problem with the lesson you gave earlier. Now, I’d like to state, before you respond, that I personally don’t have any problems with it. However, a few of the parents of some of my students have expressed concerns over the subject matter. Normally, I’d simply reassure them, and politely ignore them, because their fears were largely hysteria and paranoia, but a few are... rather prominently connected to my employment. As such, I agreed to speak with you about the lesson, and tell you what they think is ‘acceptable’ to be taught to their children.”

“Well, I understand where they are coming from, but their paranoia and hysteria seems to stem from the misconceptions about chaos that I hoped to eliminate. I decided it would be more effective to teach to children who’ll grow up with the knowledge. Standing on a soap-box in the middle of town and yelling facts at grown-ups who’ve already made their decision to believe the falsities has less desirable effect.”

“Yes, I’ve seen that. Mr. Wattle was quite the vocal sort when he was younger. But, the situation still stands. I can’t simply ignore them, and they aren’t being exceptionally rational. I’d rather they calmed down and thought about this, but with the particular parents involved, I’m more afraid they’d go to extremes before calming down if any form of confrontation happened. I’m sorry... but I’ll have to ask you not to teach again for the foreseeable future. Perhaps in a year or so, but I can’t help anypony if I’m fired.”

“Well, we can’t have that, but I think the best way to prevent any issue is to educate them. How about the parents are called in and I’ll do it again, but in more... explained terms. I feared going too in-depth with the children, considering what I could potentially cover. The adults can ask whatever questions they like, and hopefully we can calm them down when they realize all I’m doing is clearing up the lies their children were learning... most likely from said parents.”

“I- I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I just don’t think they’ll change their minds, and I’m the only schoolteacher Ponyville has.”

I nod, thinking over possibilities. “It’s just a shame that my attempts at education are halted by childishness... I’m sure you have more experience with kids than I do, but from what I’ve seen... it’s mainly the adults who have trouble expanding themselves mentally. Children aren’t born prejudiced, those beliefs are passed down by their parents. I’m not saying that they have bad parents, it just seems they aren’t making a good decision here, but that’s obvious. But.” I sigh. “In light of you possibly losing your job, I’ll stop giving lectures. I’m sure you are much more valuable to the children’s futures than I am. Though I wouldn’t mind talking to some of them. Do you think it would be risky to, completely unaffiliated with you, talk to some of the parents about the subject?”

“Well, most aren’t problems. The only issue is from two groups of parents, and they aren’t exactly the sort to change their minds unless there’s something truly monumental at stake in the near future.”

“Well, then I guess there’s not much to do. I would like to speak to some of them though. But what I don’t understand is why they seem to be going after you, when I was the one teaching the lesson.”

“They’re business ponies, and they know you carry a fair amount of clout with the element bearers. Even if you’d never likely use it for something petty like that.” She doesn’t know me that well, it seems. “However, you also have virtually nothing to lose. They can't get you fired because your job seems to be ‘goofing off’, and they can’t freeze your assets because all of yours are in a bank they don’t control. Well, unless that rumor you have a mountain of gold in Dirt Poor’s bank is false, then it’s just because you’re broke. Now, I, on the other hoof, am in a rather vulnerable position, as I can't do anything in retaliation if they do decide to get me fired. That one of them is on the school board only compounds the issue. If they feel I’m dangerous to their foals, accurate or not, I’m gone.”

“Well that’s hardly fair, but if there’s really nothing that can be done, I guess I’ll go buy a soap-box.”

“You do that, Anthony. Just be sure to bring yourself some water, I hear you can lose your voice fairly easily from atop a podium of any value.”

“Well, if they heed my words, I may not have to do it for long. Besides, I seem to have succeeded already. I wanted to get the message to children who still have a whole future to realize my points are accurate. I’ve always had a problem with things that are labelled ‘evil’ by default. It leads me to believe that they don’t really know what defines something as truly evil, and not just questionable. It’s an urge I’ve always had, but here I actually have some leverage. Guess education isn’t as easy as I thought.” I sigh. “But if they start getting on you for anything less than this, I’ve got your back. I’ve had enough of a bumpy school life to know what a real ‘bad’ teacher is like. You do a good job if you ask me. But then, I can’t make that decision.”

“Thank you, Anthony. And quite frankly, ever since you arrived, the class has actually been doing very well! I don’t have to grade on a curve just to appease the board members anymore, and there’s been, minus the one incident, an incredible downturn in bullying.”

I fidget a bit at the mention of the incident. “Yeah, sorry... I was just trying to-”

“No, no need for sorry. It was something that might’ve popped up eventually, and I’m glad it was dealt with then, rather than in a few years of festering which might’ve made the conclusion a great deal more... permanent. And sad. The problems addressed were an infection, Anthony, and you helped it get cleansed.”

“Yeah well, I have quite a few other things that could be considered ‘infectious’, but despite my apparent success, I wouldn’t exactly want every kid to go through everything I did... Even though I think I came out of it a better person because of it.”

“And I find that rather noble. There are all too many individuals who would rather other learn by suffering just the same as themselves, and all too few who try to explain their own mistakes that others won’t make them. Ooh, listen to me! I'm starting to sound like Spear Shaker, just a little. Oh, have you read any of his plays?”

“Well... in a way, I have. For one, when people died, they stayed dead. We don’t exactly have Alicorns of Love to bring the dead back, just because they screwed up.”

“Now, now, Spear Shaker was just sticking to the historical truth, Anthony.” Cheerilee admonishes me.

“And historical truth differs depending on if Alicorns or unicorn magic of any kind, existed in the history in question. William Shakespeare may have taken a few liberties, but he mostly avoided magical Deus Ex Machinas. Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy rather than a love story, since it ended with the pair having committed suicide without any ‘help’ afterwards. Kind of a downer ending, but when you recall the fact that they were just a horny teenager and a creepy pedophile who knew each other for a few days... yeah, them dying for good at the end was probably the safest ending possible.”

“Well, here in equestria, it’s the mostly-accurate tale of how the Orange and Apple families came together. From what I hear, Granny Smith has the original script somewhere in the attic on Sweet Apple Acres. It’s either there or with one of the orange family members.”

“Well, that’s a huge difference right there. As great as they were, most of the playwrights were fiction. Sure a few had real-world influence, but it was mostly just all made up.”

“Hmm... Most of Spear Shaker’s work was historical satire or meant to be educational. And there’s so much innuendo hidden there, too!”

“As famous as he is, he was a total pervert.” I chuckle. “With a sick sense of humor. Dunno how Hamlet ended in your version but... that guy sure loved messing with his characters.”

“Well, if it ended with all the previously named characters but a couple dead, then yes, it’s largely the same. It’s one of the darkest plays to ever be acted upon an Equestrian stage, and received enough bad reviews that ponies go to see it at least once a year in the major cities.”

“Well, if you want to watch the result of some crazy lunatic with a poison fetish and likes killing important characters, there’s few authors who can outdo him in those areas. Still, really good stories. Oh wow, it’s getting dark out already, how long have we been talking?”

“Uhm...” Cheerilee checks the wall clock. “Oh, dear! It’s nearly eight! I should take these papers home with me to get graded. Thank you for staying to discuss things, it truly made my evening that I could hold an educated conversation with somepony other than Twilight. As nice of a mare as she is, she has a tendency to over-analyze things.”

“Well, I’ll leave before I start rambling again. Have a good night, Cheerilee, and sleep well. We’ll sort out this ‘chaos’ debacle somehow, even if it’s with inactivity.” Cheerilee wishes me a good night in return, and I head back to the library.

Chapter 172

The next morning, Twilight and I decide that just waiting for the sake of waiting doesn’t help anyone, so we go about collecting the others. Clark is bringing Fluttershy and Rarity, Twilight goes out to get Rainbow Dash and Applejack, leaving me with Pinkie.

Once we are all accounted for and seated; Spike off to the side, poised to act as a scribe and relay to Celestia and Luna the discussion, I speak first.

“So, gameplan. Let’s just cover the obvious stuff to get it out of the way.” I begin. “Demons are attacking, and we don’t know exactly why, how they get here, or what they want if anything more than just violence for it’s sake... but it’s clearly too big of an issue to consider it as just another bit of happenstance that Ponyville encounters, especially since it’s been happening elsewhere. We need to figure out what to do about it. As effective as just killing them when they pop up is, we need something a bit more solid. So, we’ll go over what we know, and then come up with a plan. Everyone caught up? Good.” Granted I didn’t exactly give enough time for a response, but everyone seems aware of the gravity of the situation.

“First things first, Spike, you should see about getting a representative who’s in-the-know from Canterlot’s perspective sent by the Princesses.” Clark says, and the little dragon immediately grabs another piece of parchment and scribbles something down. That dragon has quite the writing speed, I have to say. “The other thing is that I’ll be explaining what I know about demons from my time among them. I don’t have quite so many solid facts as I’d like, but what I’ll share has either been seen repeatedly by myself, or are considered ‘common knowledge’ enough on Earth that I picked them up as commonly repeated facts. I’ll denote which each item is as we go, as well as mentioning when something is pure conjecture.”

“Should we include the conjecture at all, Clark?” Twilight asks.

“Yes. They’re based off simple ‘if this, then that’ logic lines. They’re just guesses, but they make sense. Things like fire resistance in demons that have fire-based attacks, or the fact that Wendigos -no, not windigoes, I’ll explain in a sec- retreat from fire, and are therefore likely vulnerable or at least not resistant to it.” Clark clarifies.

“So before we go into more details, probably about the difference between Windigos and Wendigos... is there any questions?” Twilight asks, looking around the table. No responses aside from Fluttershy yawning. “Alright then, onto the Wendigos.”

A quick, streamlined explanation of wendigoes vs windigoes comes to a close, and the other ponies seem to have understood it, though Fluttershy gives another squeaky yawn and blinks owlishly near the end. She must not have gotten any sleep last night.

At about this time, the response message from Canterlot has come back, and we’re informed that a rep will be on their way to stand as the Princesses for the time being. Hopefully, this will mean we’re just as informed on what’s going on elsewhere in Equestria as they are. That brings me to another matter.

“I hear that demons are showing up in other areas of Equestria, but I never hear about it until after the fact, and looking through newspapers doesn’t have any information on them that I can find.”

“Ah, that’s probably because all the papers here in Ponyville are locally-made. A couple ponies here order papers special from Manehattan or Chickago, or Vanhoover to keep abreast of new fashions, business changes, and the like.” Rarity explains. “If you need some, I have the last few weeks stored in case they’re needed. Paper mache needs something as a base, after all.”

“That could be useful, but as it stands, information about this circumstance that supposedly threatens the entire nation or whatever of Equestria, information about the matter should be much easier to access and should be spread more. True this leaves us open to wild mass guessing on civilians’ parts, but fake information is better than no information at all in this situation.” I look around at those present to see if anyone is in agreement with me.

At this time, a knock comes at the door.

I stand up to let in what is most likely the Canterlot rep. Opening the door I see a unicorn in slate-gray armor similar to the stuff Twilight and Cadence were wearing when we went to Wunderland. “Special Agent Starlight, reporting as the Canterlot attache!” The unicorn goes into a salute that’s as perfectly pressed as ironed pants. Even with the exclamation, I can’t tell if this pony is a guy or a girl.

“At ease, buddy. Come on, we can get you up to date and then you can do whatever you need. Come on, your seat is right over there.” I jab my thumb at the chair that’s still open and return to mine, the unicorn following behind.

“The Princesses would like me to share all the information available with you. Sir Anthony, this scroll case is enchanted to destroy its contents if anypony but you opens it.” The guard hoofs over a round tube in dull gray camouflage, virtually invisible when it was against Starlight’s armored side.

Why would they need this kind of precaution? This isn’t a coup or anything, none of the information is secret if it affects everyone. And the demons definitely seem to lack preferred targets.

I put my hand on the top of the scroll case and twist, the whole thing glowing blue for a moment as I do. Carefully dumping the included roll of parchment -it’s really heavy for a couple week’s reports- onto my lap, I begin to unroll it. The first thing, at the top of the across as I unroll it, is a note from Celestia asking that if it’s me reading this, to avoid simply blurting the information out. Dumbass, what do you mean ‘if it’s me’? Didn’t you set this thing to blow if it wasn’t me? Below that is a stamp saying ‘Do not read without permission; text is cursed’ on it.

After that, it’s nothing but a litany of places hit, the casualties involved, and suspected locations of ones that have escaped, as well as ‘methods of offense’ used. The first twenty batches of information roll past me, including known abilities and times/places of last contact/confirmed death location. According to a few, additional containment procedures have been erected around some of those last things, as they either left in a manner leaving ‘an aura of death that seeps in like a sickness’ that has symptoms matching perfectly with radiation poisoning, or their blood turned the area into a morass of dangerous terrain and toxic miasmas, or worse. I haven't even gotten a third of the way through the scroll.

I set the scroll back into the case and put it on the table in front of me. “Alright, as informative as that is, it’s not the matter at hand. The matter at hand is not what has happened, but what to do about what will happen so we have a plan in advance. As I said, punching them to death works, but it doesn’t make us any smarter.”

“May I look over the scroll, Anthony?” Clark asks, his hand reaching for, but not quite touching, the scroll.

“Well, I don’t exactly know how good Celestia is in any area of magic, but if this deal of it erasing itself or whatever if I’m not the one reading it works, I don’t think you could read it. I mean, you could try, but... there’s a risk to take.” I hold up the case to him, letting him decide what to do.

He gingerly reaches into the case and pulls out the scroll. He unravels it, and a brief flash blinds him for a moment. What’s weird is that the flash was a bright purple-green, though it doesn’t seem to have actually harmed him, minus making him go into full Heat form. Wait, the chair’s smoking slightly... weird.

“Well... I guess that answers that question. What say we put that away before it decides to explode outright?”

“Text is still here. And it’s not doing anything else. I’ll just scooch away from you guys incase it does, if these figures are accurate, it can help. Prediction of enemy movements can lead to cutting them off when they think they’re safe.” he backs into a corner and starts reading.

“Except so far, there isn’t really a pattern. Look, all of the appearances are totally sporadic. No continuity for method of offense, location, time of drop-in, anything. They’re completely incongruous, it might as well be random.”

“Sure. But where they go once they arrive tells you quite a lot about the individuals. If, for example, they all head towards the same place, then there’s something calling them. If they’re heading for similar locations, they’re trying to coordinate. If they’re going in circles, they’re lost. If they’re all going in different directions, but largely in straight lines, they’re trying to find each other.”

“Alright, first let’s find the location that most of them might be headed towards, based on their point of entry, see if there’s some one place they’re all trying to get to.”

“Can do. You guys need me while you’re planning, just say so, I’ll be paying at least a little attention.” Clark grabs some parchment, a quill, a map and the scroll in his arms and sets up what I can describe as a ‘student’s desk’ set up on a little table he pulls over.

“Alright then. Now while we’re waiting for information on what they are planning, if anything, we need to think about a way to set up a sort of response method. I’d suggest we could have trained soldiers on constant patrol in every major city and town, but that might cause a martial law scare among the public.”

“There’s also only a couple thousand guardsponies right now. The noble houses passed limiting laws based on their own personal guard units, but they won’t let those units go somewhere they aren’t protecting the nobles.” Starlight says, pointing out a problem I hadn’t expected. What kind of nation only has a couple thousand soldiers?

“And since when does a noble get to say where the guards get stationed? That should be illegal!”

All the ponies in the room give me a weird look. “Uhm, Anthony, that’s how it’s been since the founding of Equestria. Since most of the original Guard units were mercenaries hired and maintained by the nobles -and most still are, actually- they are under their control. A tithe of the noble’s units are collected, usually the best, to function as the Royal Guard.”

“Wait... that’s an awful idea for national security! Come on, don’t you have, like, an army or something? Anything?”

“That’s what the Royal Guard is, Anthony.” Twilight tells me. “And besides, the taxes to support a system in which the armed forces are under the sole control of the crown would be exorbitant. Nopony would be able to afford food, let alone actually function in society!”

“Well then what’s your bright idea? How do we make sure that there’s a way to react instantly to a demonic threat, regardless of location? If there’s no able fighters around to at least slow the monsters down, people will die, guaranteed, no two ways about it.”

“Avengers.” Clark says, not looking up from his notes.

“Dude, this is serious. As funny as that is, it’s not-”

“And so am I. Consider how many people have been sent here. From this list, at least a hundred, probably significantly more. All of them with powers, and only a few with descriptions that match any demons I know of. I think we could easily set up a central place for them, and find some form of easy teleportation to get a team of well-trained, hardened veterans to anywhere we can think of. We just need to recruit a few of the ones on this list who survived and had relatively low casualty rates.” The ponies in the room all look startled at his suggestion.

“Yeah, we could find heroes, or shellshocked animals. No offense, but you are still jumpy as hell after a few months of ‘downtime’. Approaching some tweaked out superhuman and telling them we want them to help fight demons isn’t going to always go well.”

Clark stops for a moment. “You’d be surprised. Considering the disproportionate number of demons I’ve met who were geeks, nerds, and other social outcasts with penchants for fan-boy-or-girling there are, I think telling them we’re making a super-hero group to redeem them would make most cream their pants. Assuming they have pants and don’t just put someone’s eye out by mistake instead.”

“Dude, I think you are overestimating. When I found you, you were hiding under a fucking bed. And you only stopped recently. Sure a few would jump at the chance, but I’m saying that they won’t all be so easy to recruit. Assuming they are still sane, and that we can even find them at this point. I think we need a better plan than that.”

“Well, most are heading for high ground, moving towards mountains, cliffs, and dense forests. They’re trying to hide. A few head for population centers. They need to be ended if that kind are found.” he sets aside a small stack of notes. “And if I have to, I’ll go recruit them myself. If they don’t take the offer, I’ll put ‘em in a coffin. Or an ashtray.”

“Look, I get that you want to start up the JLA here, but there are too many variables, and if you haven’t noticed, we don’t have that kind of luck. I suggest we come up with a plan that involves more details than ‘let’s find a bunch of super-powered people to walk around and punch the problem.’ I already stated that that method did us no favors.” I turn to the group of ponies. “So, any ideas that could work that are allowed by your culture? Or are we just going to stick with the Whack-A-Mole option?”

Spike stands up on his chair. “I vote for the super-heroes plan!” I see Dash and Pinkie both looking like they agree.

“Fine! Let’s go out looking for people we don’t know, who supposedly just want to be left alone while they come to terms with having actually gotten out of Hell, and walk up to them assuming they instantly know we’re peaceful and won’t hit them.”

“Well, none of this would be able to be implemented for a while anyways, sir. We don’t have the resources at this point, because the Guard has been mobilizing almost nonstop for most of the last year. And there’s been... many losses.” for a moment, I hear a note of sadness in the guard’s voice.

“Gee, it’s almost like we’re dealing with hyped-up psychopaths! Who you guys are assured some of which are one-hundred-percent friendly and totally mentally stable, enough to form a super-hero team with. This isn’t comic books people! While we sit here discussing the validity of such a notion, more and more people could be getting killed, because there’s no way to spread information about demon attacks fast enough to those who actually can deal with the problem. We don’t need more heroes, we need an alert network for the heroes we already have!”

“With what, Anthony?” Twilight asks. “The only system that fast would be either dragonfire messages or a Sending spell, but sending requires the sender to know the recipient. Even then, assuming we get a network of unicorns able to cast it, with at least two at each station, all it would take is one of them to get injured or sick, and the network falls apart!”

“Well I don’t see you coming up with any solutions, Sparkle! What’s your ingenious plan?”

“How about we find somewhere in between the two, dears? Perhaps small, well-trained forces would be better, but have them be pony or minotaur forces. Maybe even griffon mercenaries.” Rarity says. Twilight and I turn to look at Rarity. “What? It’s something I read about in one of my novels. The princess uses small teams of griffon mercenaries to secure her kingdom, and-”

I interrupt her. “We’d need a bit more specifics on how to do that for real, but having paid mercenaries trained for combat is a lot more likely to work than a bunch of humans who just got their powers and might not have ever been in a fight in their lives. The problem I see would be getting the funds for that many. Remember, this is across all of Equestria. That’s a lot of griffons, and I’m willing to bet none of them worth hiring sell themselves for cheap.”

All the ponies put their heads down sadly, Fluttershy looking more like she’s less disappointed and just nodding off.

“So... let me get this straightened out.” Clark says. “We need a lot of soldiers that can be reproduced quickly, and don’t need much in the way of supply-”

I turn to him. “If you suggest clones, no. No clones, that’s just a headache and you know it.”

“I wasn’t suggesting anything, Anthony, I’m trying to get all of our needs listed down. It’s easier to solve a problem when it’s clear what the problem is. I’m writing this down. We need lots of troops, and we need to be able to get more in a hurry if they die. We need troops that are effective and versatile enough to deal with a changing battlefield, and don’t require a ton of resources dedicated to keeping them active. I mean, if this was a game, I’d say something like the Zerg hives would be perfect. They practically live on the love of their queen, and the whole thing supports itself as long as there’s some local control.”

“Changelings?” Twilight and the Starlight pony ask, simultaneously.

I think for a minute. “Ren says the Everfree hive is severely overpopulated... but she’s not really much of a war leader. On the other hand, if we can get some other hives who are able and willing, that could work.”

“Hmm... well, if overpopulation is an issue, then they would just need to have somewhere with more love to go around - say, a city that’s benefitting from them helping out and defending them?” Twilight suggests.

Pinkie interjects, “Yeah, and they’d just need another queen or two! The Mantid cluster talked a bunch with me before I hired them.”

“Do you know where they are, or how to locate other hives that would be willing to help? Keep in mind, they are likely to see the demon attacks as a ‘pony’ problem and not want a part of any of this, since they seem untouched so far. If someone was being attacked and you knew they were as good as dead, and you were safe... would you risk your life for a bunch of people you don’t even care to know?”

“Anthony, that’s racist!” Twilight exclaims. “Changelings, while they are terrifying bug-faced creatures that give me nightmares-”

“It’s not a view of racism, that line of thinking comes from-”

“As I was saying,” Twilight says as my voice cuts out, “they may scare me, but they need ponies. Without us, they have no food. This doesn’t need to be spun as ‘help your neighbors’, but rather, ‘defend your farm’.” Twilight shudders as she makes the comparison of cities to farms for changelings.

“Except that not all changelings are guaranteed to see it that way. Some people don’t know what’s best for them in the long run, when participating severely decreases the individual’s chances at continuing to live. This isn’t about racism, it’s about self-preservation.”

“Well, fine then Anthony! If none of our ideas work or count, and none of yours do either, then stop contributing!” Twilight yells at me, startling Pinkie and Fluttershy.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad plan, I’m saying it’s not a perfect plan. I agree we should ask the changelings for help, but in the event that they won’t help, we should have another plan set up to fall back on, otherwise one failure is all it takes for this whole discussion to be pointless.”

“So we’re all foals, then?” Twilight asks, looking upset. “We don’t need you to explain that we need a backup. We’re trying to figure one thing out at a time, Anthony. We understand there might be problems. We’re not stupid.”

“I agree. Not everyone here is stupid. Now let’s move on. Assuming the changelings won’t help us, what is available in the way of troops?”

“About two thousand or so Guard members, all of them trained well but with very little combat experience. About two hundred special operatives in Princess Luna’s employ, about half of which are assigned on duties already. The local militia forces, which have been the current method for stalling the demons until a Guard unit can arrive. Less bits to the Guard’s name than most ponies carry for groceries. And the humans in this town, assuming they’re willing to help.” Starlight finishes and looks around. “I think that’s everything presently available.”

“Well, there has to be some way to... hey Twilight, how plausible would it be, assuming near-infinite magical potential of the caster, to summon an army of constructs or elementals? Using magic to make an army, if only a temporary one?”

“Well, golem construction is pretty much a lost art. There’s rumors of a few noble houses holding on to the rituals required, but I’ve never been able to find any texts talking about the specifics required. I know a Come to Life spell could make a very rudimentary golem, but only if the body is pre-built and fairly articulate. As for elementals, well... we’d need to find an adept enough summoner to get any number of them into the area, and it’s nearly impossible to actually command elementals, just point them at tasks you want done, and be ready to unsummon them if they don’t feel like it.”

“Well there needs to be some way to make an army or something. The Changelings are good, but once you get through their exoskeleton, they’re practically made of jelly, obviously. Sufficient enough force in a wide enough area negates numbers. Also, their bodies don’t react well to electricity. Enough of it and they kinda... pop.” A collective ‘ewww’ goes around the room. “Tell me about it, I had to order another plate because it got in my food.”

“Well, maybe we could summon scientific elementals, instead?” Clark suggests. “After all, if you just summon a Radium Elemental, and then unsummon it a moment later, it’s enough to be lethal to everything in a dozen or so meters of it, depending on the size.”

“What’s radium?” Twilight asks.

“The problem with that is it’s likely a local or public area with lots of civilians and bystanders. That’s why we don’t want people who aren’t trained with their powers. A misfire of a heat ray and someone gets killed. The worst-case scenario we’re aiming for is maximum collateral damage to the surrounding area, but no casualties. Can we all agree on that as our bare minimum goal?” Everyone agrees. “The catch is... I can’t think of any group aside from the changelings that’s numerous, powerful, cheap and careful enough to do that. What has Equestria done in other times of war, like, main strategies?”

“Put up giant force-bubbles around the major cities and bombarded the hell out of anywhere else with Celestia’s help. Before Celestia, they usually fought with much larger armies, and usually against each other.” Clark supplies. “Celestia and Luna came into power about three thousand years ago, Discord took power from them sometime in there, about a thousand years-”

“Discord! What about him? Considering the range of his powers, he could get rid of a demon in a second!”

“Well, I’m glad you finally gave me a reason to say something.” the draconequus slowly peels off the beams holding up the ceiling, then regains his natural, non-wooden texture. “How can you stand it in here? So nearly orderly, but without any real change. As for getting rid of a demon... well, they’re still living creatures, right?”

“Well yeah, but I’ve seen you do a temporary localized gravitational inverse. If you could pull one off that’s not so temporary...”

“Absolutely not! I don’t want to kill anyone, you know.” Discord says looking entirely insulted. “I’ll have you know, any and all deaths attributed to me were either purely accidental or done for the solemn sake of entertainment of the masses.”

I sigh. “Well, Discord’s gone all vegetarian on us, so he’s useless. What else do we have?”

“I am not useless! I just won’t kill them I said. To quote an old acquaintance of mine, it’s amazing what you can live through.”

“And demons have proven to live through substantially more than what you usually mess with. So what would you be willing to do? What’s your extent? Is it just outright killing, or is severe debilitation still on the table?”

“Well, I can at least distract them. For all my machismo and grace, I can’t be in two places at once. I can also try getting them places they won’t be dangerous. But pain is only funny if it’s slapstick or a friend, I’ve learned that much.”

“This isn’t about fun, this is about monsters killing innocents and the need to stop them as quickly and as effectively as possible. If you aren’t willing to do do more than just distract them, then it won’t help, we need a way to stop them for good.”

“I’ll have you know, I’m a master of distractions! I’m so distracting, you didn’t notice our little relocation.” he gestures around, and sure enough we’re at the bottom of the ocean, vast figures of some kind swimming in the dark just beyond the lit bubble of air we’re in. “Why, I snapped my claws twenty-some times to get us somewhere truly hard to escape, and you didn’t even comment.” Fluttershy leans over towards Discord, and puts her head on his hip. Everybody watches as she snores softly. “See, Fluttershy here even slept through it all!”

“Okay... well, this isn’t helping. We need to know what you are willing to do and at which point you draw the line between justifiable severity and cruelty. What is the worst thing you can imagine that you would do?”

“Hmm... I suppose it’d depend on who it is and who’s watching. I’ll be honest here, the only thing I have much investment in is your survival, Anthony. You’re my friend! I’m only willing to help at all because I have the feeling that you’d be upset if I didn’t.”

My attention is briefly grabbed by a quick-moving figure outside the bubble. “As great as that is to hear, Discord... it doesn’t help. Couldn’t you, like... idunno.” I think for a moment. “Summon a bunch of ninjabread men to beat the shit out of the demons or something?”

“Hmm... could, but it’d only be funny the once. Here, squeak this twice if you need a shower of shuriken cookies.” he drops a rubber duck wearing a

I

DISCORD

t-shirt into my hands. “Now, I’m extremely bored, so I’m going to see if there’s anything I can entertain myself with that won’t lead to being repetrified.”

Thankfully he returns us to the library with a  clap of his hands before going away for good. “So currently the resident deity is too much of a pussy to help in a fight, and our only plan is the changelings assuming each hive we ask can spare them and is willing to help knowing each one is likely to be smashed...”

“Well, we also have the super-heroes plan as well!” Spike says with a big grin.

I yell and thrust my face into the table space in front of me.

Chapter 173

Sitting on the rather plain bed Ren had insisted be put in her room, things are not going well in my mind. I’ve ran through the discussion a few times in my imagination and... “Okay, I’m gonna get to the point because I’m going to tear my hair out if I drag this out. Demons are attacking Equestria, and we’ve determined that a changeling army would be the best option. You’ve said you’re overpopulated, so... Wanna have a few drones sign up?”

“Well, we rather need the m-males... but the soldier caste would be perfect. Is this okay with the princesses?”

“Well, the discussion that led to this plan was... hectic, but given the skill of our scribe, I assume it was relayed in enough detail, and no response has come so far that I know of... I figure if Celly had a bug up her butt about, it she’d respond immediately.”

“Well, as l-long as I won’t be getting us all in trouble. Do you know where they should be g-going?”

“Not really.” I shrug. “Considering where they’d be needed is entirely random, we figure it’s best to try and cover as much space as possible on the national scale. Overpopulation considered... this hive here isn’t nearly enough. Not even close. To know where the first ‘batch’ would be going... we’d probably send them to wherever's had the most attacks overall and send them there for the sake of having the most dangerous area defended first.”

Ren looks at me odd. “Uhm... have you ever... d-done this before?”

“Done what, ask for help? Of course. Granted I prefer to do things alone, but I know when to-”

“N-no, I mean move troops. Give orders. You sound like y-you’re used to it.”

“I’ve played plenty of war games. I understand games lack a bit of realism, but the experience as a leader is there... it just involves the troops always being able to do exactly what they are told... not needing food... yeah. I’m better with the ‘general’ side rather than the ‘personal’ stuff.”

“Oh. Th-there are games about war?”

“Humans romanticize just about anything in the name of entertainment. That said, we’re pretty warlike in general so it kinda... moves into our entertainment. Risk and Chess were a big part of my childhood.”

“Oh... will you be guiding the troops in the field? I d-don’t have any experience.”

I think about that for a minute. “I... don’t think either of us will be out there. The troops just need to be able to follow orders. Queens won’t need to risk themselves, and I’m already ‘stationed’ in Ponyville, that’s where I’m defending, so troops aren’t needed there. As experienced as I am... I’m just a knight or rook in all of this.”

“B-better than a Jack.” Ren comments. “But who will be commanding them, if I’m not supposed to be there?”

That stops me. “Well... I’m not sure. They seemed to be fine on their own to a point... I just kind of assumed ‘attack the monsters when they show up’ was good enough. They’d just be undercover citizens during downtime I assume.”

“Oh... uhm, most of the soldier caste aren’t very good thinkers until they’re gotten enough experience.”

“Well, then we’d need military coordinators stationed with them somehow. I assume Celestia and Luna would take care of that part, hopefully. The changelings would just have to learn to take orders from a non-queen. Again, we’d need much more than just your hive.”

“I c-can start preparing some overseers, then. Do you need anything else, Anthony?”

“I need a way to stop the demons from getting through in the first place. Aside from that... the other problems seem kind of small, really.”

“Oh, I don’t know much about magic, actually.”

“We don’t know that it’s magic sending them here. We don’t know anything about what’s doing it. And without that knowledge, there’s no way to stop it. The only way to stop a machine is to know which gear to throw a wrench into.”

“Uhm... okay. I just thought a shield of some kind might be able to stop them. That’s what shields do, right? Stop stuff.”

“Well, we’d have to know where to point the shield at wouldn’t we? If they are showing up in so many different places, we’d probably need more than one shield. A sort of ward would be more efficient than using a slab of metal or wood to push them back with. Though I think for now, the changelings seem to be our best bet.”

“Well, you know what’s going on more than I d-do. I can send you a messenger when there’s some ready to deploy, okay?”

“Yeah, you do that. I just... nevermind. I’ll talk to you later.” Well, that went better than I thought it could have, so I get up and head back to Ponyville. Once I’ve sent a message to the princesses about the Everfree Hive’s agreement to help... I sit and wait for a response.

Less than ten minutes later, I receive via Spike a letter thanking me for my help and informing me that Celestia is sending a coordinator to speak with Ren as well.

Well, now that my part seems to be done, I guess there’s not much to do. Fluttershy was really tired yesterday, something tells me I should check on her. I get to the cottage, but she’s not home, a note on the door stating she’s at the spa with Rarity... eh, alright.

Heading back to Ponyville again, I reach the spa and upon walking in, sit down in the waiting room and wait.

After what feels like three straight hours of bullshit magazines, Fluttershy and Rarity come out.

“Hey ladies.”

“Hello to you, too, Anthony.” Fluttershy says brightly.

“Not so tired today, huh? You seemed a little too out of it at the meeting. Why didn’t you say you didn’t sleep the night before?”

“Oh, it was just some silly nightmares... Clark kept them away last night.” She says the last part with a blush that raises my eyebrows.

“Well, as long as there’s no problem, that’s fine.” I kneel down to pet the pegasus and- holy crap that is soft!

I pick up Fluttershy and rub my hands over her shampooed/brushed coat and it is amazing that anything could possibly be that soft! Oh my god this feels awesome!

“Uhm... Anthony?” I hear Fluttershy squeak out next to my ear. “C-can I go now?”

“Sooooo fluuuufffffy...” I rub my face against her back and I swear to god this is the penultimate reason the universe invented nerve endings. Still carrying the extremely soft pony, I search for someone to share my incredible discovery with. The first person I come across is Clark, apparently coming to the spa to see her as I did. “Dude, feel this!” I thrust the pony into his face.

His voice, muffled by Fluttershy, calls out from behind the startled mare’s belly. “So fluuuffyyyy...” as he wraps his arms around Fluttershy, making her squeak and blush.

I continue petting her and rubbing her back. This is awesome! I’m pretty sure I haven’t thought that yet...

“Get your own!” Clark says, peeking over her shoulder and shooing me away. “I already claimed this one. You can have Rarity.” He begins walking away with Fluttershy on his chest, and I look down at Rarity, by my side and giving me a very odd look. I rub her back and while she seems to like it... it’s soft, but just not the same.

“Eh.” I get up and head back to the library. I want to look over that scroll again. Picking it up and opening it seems to have made my instinct/subconscious/sixth sense/whatever decide that I should enter my Spark form as soon as I open it. Eh, whatever happened when Clark opened it might still linger. It looked like just a flash, but knowing Celestia, it’s probably more than just a bright light.

Going over the information again, I still can’t really see any pattern. It’s odd... all the records that state first-sightings only say where it was. Nothing on how it got there, aside from an accompanying flash and usually a ‘sound of spatial displacement’ whatever sound that is.

Well, there’s no info on what might have happened to get them where they ended up, so I’m guessing I’d need to go to Celestia or Luna directly for more detailed information. Surely they’re smart enough to have at least started an exploration into this.

But not now. All this ‘preparing for the apocalypse’ is starting to wear on me. There’s just so much to do that I can’t speed up or influence. Too many variables, too little true knowledge. Tired of all this responsibility that seems to have just landed on my shoulders.

I pick up the lyre and prepare to play a song to lift my spirits, but only one song seems to pervade my mind and I end up playing that one.

“Music from earth, huh?” A voice says from behind and above me. I turn to see that the mailmare is sitting awkwardly on a tree branch.

“Hey Ditzy... yeah.  I couldn’t think of anything else to play, really. Considering what’s going on though, I can’t really say it’s inaccurate.”

“So what are you? The knight, one of the villains, or the narrating bystander?”

“I...” I hadn’t thought of the symbolism here, really. “Neither. It’s just a song. They don’t mean as much to humans as they do for ponies.”

“Oh. Well, what about in life then?” she asks, the branch underneath her creaking ominously. Deciding I’d rather not have her fall to the ground, I reach out the window and pull her inside, setting her on my lap and I start petting her. Still not as fluffy as Fluttershy was, that was really soft.

“I’m not sure, usually I listen to what other people think of me and pick whatever sounds more accurate. I’m not evil but I’m not exactly a paragon of rightfulness. Not the bystander, I’m more active than that.” I sigh, thinking it over. “Maybe I’m the woman, just some random person Life decided to hurl into important things for the sake of making things interesting...”

“That’s an interesting way to look at it.” Ditzy says, leaning into my petting. “Your hands are really nice.”

“Yeah, at least that’s something everyone seems to agree on. One place I go I’m a menace, other places I’m dirt, some people treat me like a god or some ultimate hero... My opinion; I’m just a guy thrown into things for some reason I need to figure out myself. No hints, no clues, just...” I sigh and don’t really bother finishing. “It’s hard you know? Trying to be what some people see and trying to not be anything at all like what others see. I know the lesson is always ‘be yourself’ but that’s not a clear answer, you have to know who you think you are first.”

“That’s pretty deep...” Ditzy looks up at me -and out the window- as she speaks. “But I have to say, Anthony, maybe you just need to ask somepony else. After all, it’s hard to say what your house looks like on the outside when you’re sitting in the living room.”

“I suppose...” I move from her back to her ears. “But who should I ask? Who has the best idea of who I am or who I should be? I usually have a plan or an answer of some kind, even if it’s obviously the wrong one... but, now I’m out of plans. So much has changed since I got here. I mean... I’ve never hurt anyone in my life, and now I’m expected to punch monsters to bits to save people. Before coming here, I’d never been in a fight in my life! I never hit anyone, and now with all this hero business... killing stuff is my most defining feature.”

“Well... maybe you should ask someone you knew back then, and someone who only knows you now, and try to figure out who you are from that.”

“But... What if I can’t get a straight answer? I’m still trying to get Clark back. He’s coming along great, but he’s nowhere near stable. And remembering the past is... kind of a sore spot for us.”

“Yeah, I suppose. Still, at least you’re good friends, right? Even if he is a little scary, he doesn’t seem mean.”

“Yeah, he’s still my friend. That’s why I’m still trying. I’m trying to fix everything, but each solution seems to come with more problems. Like... like what happened in Chickago, or trying to figure out this whole ‘love life’ issue.”

“Yeah... love is hard. It’s really hard to get ‘right’, but it’s worth it when you do. My little muffin is all I need...” Ditzy lets out a large yawn, “But I still wish she could’ve known a father that wasn’t such a jerk.”

“I have a hard time imagining a nice mare like you would end up with an asshole.”

“He wasn’t, at first, but he changed over time. Or maybe I just noticed more. I still loved him, even at his worst... he got hit by a carriage and didn’t wake up.” Ditzy seems sad, and hugs me. I hug her back. “No matter what kind of pony he was, he didn’t deserve that.”

“Death is only deserved, or the right option, in very specific circumstances. It’s why I usually tried to find an alternative to violence no matter how mad I got. But here... I’ve never been as angry before. Since I got here, it’s like I can’t keep up my emotional barrier, like this world just punched a hole in it... And the dam bursts before it gets half full.”

“Well... maybe you should go find somewhere to meditate. I find it helps when I’m practicing my martial arts.”

“Eh, won’t help. Even back when I wasn’t so... ‘touchy’, yoga, meditation, hypnosis, none of it worked. There’ve been proven cases of them doing it for some, but... just not me.”

“Oh, well... I guess it’s not for everypony.” She snuggles up in my lap. “Mmph... I should go home soon. Dinky is home from school soon.”

“That reminds me, what are your thoughts on my little ‘chaos’ lesson? Think I’m corrupting their tiny little minds?”

“No. It’s the definition in the dictionary, after all. So many ponies just assume chaos means ‘Discord’ or ‘scary’. Especially ponies who had to live through the first time he got loose.”

“Well, it wasn’t really to make Discord look innocent. He’s messed up and still needs a bit of training... but I don’t want him being antagonized just because of what he does. That’d be like everyone picking on you because you have wings and not a horn or super strength or whatever earth ponies get.”

“Lots of endurance. My husband was an earth pony, and the honeymoon was fantastic.”

“I did not need to know that... anyways, I guess you should go get your kid. Seeya again?”

“Sometime. You get mail a lot, after all.” She hugs me again, and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Have a nice day, Anthony! And stay out of trouble if you can!” she yells over her shoulder as she flies out the window. She flies straight into the branch she was on before, knocking it free, and flies at a distinct angle off towards where I assume she lives.

Well... that happened.

Chapter 175

“So what ingenious plan have you concocted?” I say, sitting down next to Twilight, a mug of cocoa I made myself in my hand. “How do we get rid of the clones, and what about the real Pinkie?”

“Fun!”

“Well, I’m very sure these are just magical constructs. Sort of... summoned echoes of Pinkie Pie. I hope wherever she is, she’s alright. We’ll want to figure out who’s creating them and why, but I think we can simply round them up and start destabilizing them. Assuming the real Pinkie isn’t already free and hiding among them, it should be perfectly safe. We’ll need to devise a method of sorting them out... like having them all watch paint dry or something, something only Pinkie could do if-”

“Twilight, do you have any idea how stupid you are being right now?” I glare at the unicorn.

“Wh- but it’s just-”

“It’s a test that demands the survivor be someone who is not excitable, perfectly calm and collected and doesn’t mind not expending energy. You do this kind of test, and the only thing that will win would be a failed clone that doesn’t act like Pinkie. You are suggesting we pick out whatever Pinkie you want, not the real one.”

“Uhm... well... Yeah... but I was only, erm, throwing out ideas, I mean, the drying paint thing, it, uh, wasn’t my main plan, or anything...” I see Twilight attempt to subtly push a can of paint behind her.

“You make me sick.”

Twilight just goes on, blatantly trying to change the subject. “Uhm, anyways, from what I can tell, the clones just have portions of her personality and memories, these clones are sort of... washed out? Well, I’d need more samples to be sure, but considering this one was just like the rest, and I doubt you want to go back out there...”

“So what we need is a way to test them thaumically. Surely they can’t all be exactly like Pinkie on every level besides mental, right? There has to be some way to sift them out and find the real one, right? Like a test that makes sense and filtering out the losers as you suggested.”

“Uhm, we’d need to find something that she wouldn’t do, but the clones would. Something we know she wouldn’t do. I’m not sure of the limits on that, though...”

“Well... I have a few ideas of what she wouldn’t do, but they are situations hard to force someone into, and assuming at least the basic moral capabilities aren’t lost on the clones either, it wouldn’t work.”

“Well, what method would you suggest, then?”

“The one I was just speaking of was a simple morality test, but it could go wrong pretty quickly. Not to mention it’s not that hard to pass and could only be failed if you were totally without morals or capable of any sort of foresight. The test is you have a knife and you are shackled to a wall. If you stab someone to death, you are let go. The way to ‘pass’ is to refuse to kill them and accept your chained fate, proving you are emotionally capable of caring for others.”

“Uhm... you’re assuming two things... one, that the clones don’t have morals, and two, if they all do, then what? Or even just some? And what about whoever is the potential victim? What if a moral-less clone decides to just move faster than we anticipate and does it? Would I be-”

“And those are reasons I’ve already considered and are why I decided we shouldn’t use that test. It is an option, but again, not the exact situation for it. So we need a more... harmless plan that involves something a clone would do, but Pinkie wouldn’t. Of course, most of the things that leap to mind that she absolutely would never do involves causing pain of some kind.”

“Well, we could try finding, uhm... Idunno. Most of the methods for unsummoning are, ah, hazardous to the health of normal, living beings.”

“And you don’t have a better way? Your best plan is zap them and hope we only hit the right ones?”

“Well, again, we’d want to find some form of sorting them. I mean, I know how to unsummon them, it’s not even a very taxing spell, but if I accidently hit a real pony with it...” Twilight shudders at the thought.

“Hello murder charge. Yeah, I get it. So how can we sort them? What kind of test is simple enough for them to take? I mean... they are kinda stupid.”

“Well, you’ve said that you and Pinkie broke up-”

“Not exactly, but yeah?”

“Well, maybe you could basically set up a kissing booth. The ones that take the chance are obviously clones, but the real Pinkie wouldn’t take the bait!” Twilight beams at me.

“This is assuming I’d do something like that. No.” Although... “I have an idea.”

Twilight hesitantly reaches out verbally. “Uhm... is it a good idea? You have your ‘I’m going to give a bad idea now’ face on.”

“I have no such face! This is a very good idea. A memory test. A test of things only Pinkie Pie could know, questions getting harder and harder as it goes on. The real one should find it pretty easy compared to the others who would only be able to give rough guesses.”

“Well, some of them might get the right answers, we don’t know how complete some of their memories might be... but that’s the best method we have right now. At the least, it should reduce the number of Pinkies in town.”

“So you guys have known her longer, so you can write the test. I’ll add one or two, but it’ll mostly be you.”

“Oh- ah, alright. W-wow... me? Writing a test? This... is it hot in here?” Twilight begins fanning herself with a hoof, and I swear she’s blushing.

“If the prospect of being in the teacher’s desk for once turns you on, I’ll just keep you out of this...”

“N- no!” her voice is rather squeaky, and she sounds out of breath. This is very entertaining... and a little bit gross. “No. I can do this. I’ve just, ah, never given a test before. Ooh, this’ll be great!”

“And entirely about things Pinkie would know. Not things you know. Keep that in mind.”

“Right. I can do this. Whoo... and can you open a window? It’s really stuffy down here.”

“We’re next to the balcony of the town hall. The walls are mostly open windows...”

“R-right, forgot this isn’t the basement... can you open another window, please?” She smiles at me, attempting puppy-dog eyes. Damn those eyes...

I pick her up and place her down a few feet away, outside where the wind makes it noticeably cooler but not uncomfortably so. “Need a blankie too? How about your teddy bear?”

“Smarty Pants is not a bear!”

“Who?”

“Ah, nopony. No. Anyways, I’ll get started, you go find something to do. Like not getting seen by the clones. Go! I have work to do.” She turns to a large stack of paper she levitates over, and begins dipping a quill in ink. Man, she needs a typewriter. Not to mention a boyfriend.

I walk downstairs to the entrance hall, and sit down, scooting my chair away from any windows. Wonder what Twilight will put on the test? Now that I think of it, writing it requires knowing Pinkie. Aside from me, Twilight’s known Pinkie the least amount of time of all of us. I get the rest of the Element Bearers together. Once I explain the test, I send the four of them up to add questions.

Clark walks over to me after they leave. “So, think the test will work? And what, exactly, are these things? They’re too dumb to be changelings, and just a little too exaggerated. Frankly, it stinks of someone cocking up an attempt at omnipresence.”

“...Aw shit. This is all my fault.” I facepalm, and hang my head.

“You... tried to gain omnipresence by cloning Pinkie Pie?” Clark scoffs. “That’s easily the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

“No no, Pinkie was worried about not being ‘there’ for people when they needed help, I explained how that was impossible, and she asked what ‘omnipresence’ meant and how it could be done. That was, like, a month ago.”

“Huh... wait, around the time you got tangled with that twister? Man... what has Pinkie been doing, stocking up on Paranoia one-ups?”

“Nah, the twister was Rainbow Dash, and she was in... trouble that led to the twister. Pinkie was going nuts because she wanted to hear from her all day, so after the event where she was pushed to nearly kill us, she wanted to somehow be everywhere so she could always be helpful.”

“I, uh, meant that... uhm, in the game Paranoia, your extra lives are clones. I was trying to make the situation a little humorous. Forgot you never gamed.”

“I did too, I just prefer the more famous franchises. New attempts can bomb so badly. Heck, even Sonic ‘06 wasn’t as bad as Quantum Conundrum.”

“Dude... Paranoia was a classic RPG. Like, paper and pencil. Jeez, how can you call yourself a geek?”

Says the guy who can currently punch up demons like it’s nothing. Jock. “Anyway, now we wait for the test to be done. Then we round up the Pinkies and have them take it. If they know Pinkie as well as I think they do, it should be impossible for a clone to pass... as long as Twilight doesn’t make it all multiple choice and every answer is ‘C’.”

“Actually, most girls prefer to choose the ‘D’ option. Every innuendo intended.”

“Hey at least I have a pair of girls I could give mine to... speaking of which, have you seen Myrna or Anne since the apinkalypse began?”

“Not Myrna, but Anne was flying out towards the Everfree, last I saw. That was actually shortly before the first fuzzy mass attempted to abduct Fluttershy and I out of bed.”

“Huh, hope she’s alright. I mean, the Everfree isn’t nearly as bad as the ponies say, but she could still get lost and all.”

“Eh, she’s been heading out there every couple of days anyways. Mostly on the evenings I’m actually sleeping in the house.”

“Yeah, I talked with her about that. She’s got a sort of problem with demons and you kinda... bring back memories or something. I forget what she said, but I know it isn’t you directly.”

“Understandable. Plus, y’know, I’ve kinda woken her by accident several times. Loud noises and all.”

“Uh... huh.” Our conversation is interrupted by a loud “We’re done!” from Applejack, the rest of them coming down the stairs with bundles of the tests. It seems that each test is four pages long. Well, it should only be a problem if the test taker can’t answer some of them, which just makes it easy to tell a clone.

Twilight, carrying a thicker test which I notice is a ‘teacher’s guide’ version of said test, comes up to me. “So the plan is we all go around and do whatever we can to round up the Pinkies in here for the test. You... probably should just stay here. Out of sight.”

“Gotcha.” I nod to her.

Well, we got all the Pinkies grouped in here, a few ‘stragglers’ being brought in late. Once the purpose of the test is explained, it’s handed out to the mass. The amount of Pinkies is a lot... less when they aren’t all piling on top of each other and spread out.

“Hey. Hey Dash.” Hearing my ‘shouted’ whisper, she comes over. “You sure this is all of ‘em?”

“Yeah, I looked everywhere four times, I even picked up a really depressed-looking one.”

“Defective clone, or real Pinkie you think?”

“De- Duf- Bad one, for sure. I’ve never seen Pinkie like that, even after the tornado incident in November.”

“Why not just send it back now?”

“Eh, Twilight said there should be an equal chance for everypony. I think this test thing has gone to her head.”

“Not to mention her tail.”

Rainbow Dash lets out a loud guffawing laugh. “Oh man, you did not just say that!”

“Well when you start blushing like crazy and want a window opened on the balcony...” Rainbow Dash and I end up snickering like a pair of junior highers. “By the way, I wanted to ask. Who’s Smarty Pants?”

Rainbow Dash grins evilly and draws me closer. “Oh, you’re gonna love this one.”

What measure is a Nonpony?

Standing over the balcony, a safe distance away from the view of the Pinkies, the test is being taken, a few of them rather just playing with the pencil or the paper. Okay, obviously clones, Pinkie doesn’t have that bad an attention span.

I can see Twilight sitting at the teacher’s desk she conjured up or whatever. Though she doesn’t really look like she knows exactly what to do. But then, I don’t even know what teachers do when they wait for kids to take tests. Well, one of my old high school teachers went out for a ‘breath of fresh air’, meaning she smoked like half a pack of cigarettes. Twilight doesn’t seem the type though, so I really don’t know what she’d do.

Is this really all I have to do right now? Stare at Twilight and worry about what she might be worrying about? God this is boring. A Pinkie seems to have gotten really bored and throws a paper airplane made out of her test. Twilight catches it in midair with her magic and places it back on the clone’s desk.

Then comes the talking. Seriously, do these Pinkies even understand what happens if they fail? I mean there’s stupid, and then there’s... this. Great, now I’m repeating my thoughts for every test I’ve ever taken in school and watching the other kids just dick around.

It seems one can’t even understand whispering.

“I bet you can’t make a face crazier than... this!”

...Oh dear god, what abomination of un-nature could possibly spawn this sort of result? What dark magics conjured that?!

I hear the sounds of vomiting from other balconies. Seems I’m not the only one having an adverse reaction to tha- wait, Twilight’s picking that one up. A simple beam of magic later, and the clone swells for a moment, then-

Oh jeez, Twilight, it just popped! Into confetti and glitter and you said that only happens to real people oh shit I need to stop this!

Hoping my speed makes me blurry enough to be unnoticed, I rush down and grab Twilight and set her down on the balcony with me. “What the fuck are you doing!? You’re literally blowing them up!”

“Woah, Anthony, that’s just a-” Twilight begins, but I can’t wait for a petty excuse.

“I know it’s a clone, and that doesn’t change what you are doing to it! I don’t know what that actually did, but that looked like you just inflated it until it popped. Do you realize how disgusting and painful that is, clone or not? That’s a straight-out torture-death! You’re insane!”

“Anthony! Wait a moment and let me explain! That’s just a visual effect, okay? It’s a distortion of physical form as the base essentia is release from a corporeal form, returned to its gaseous state and channeled back towards its point of origin. It’s not hurting them, because they’re going all at once. Now, if I was using a bunch of underpowered unsummonings that only sent back pieces at a time, that’d be both horrific and inequine, but I’m making sure there’s enough power to send them back completely.”

“And what makes you absolutely sure that it’s painless? Have you ever been unsummoned? Has anyone ever been unsummoned and reported the experience?”

“Uhm, plenty of elementals and spirits have been summoned over the years. I’m not very good at binding a summoner, but I’m good at unsummoning things.” Twilight says. “And none of them have ever expressed pain at the process, and often mention wanting to be unsummoned. The one summon I did do well, the elemental said it wanted to go back. Fire elemental, and, y’know, not hot enough in a stone room.”

“And you assume that just because a not-entirely-corporeal form claims painlessness, everything will? Besides, I could technically call what you are doing to them murder.”

Twilight gasps, looking horrified. “Anthony! H- how could you say something like that? They’re just clones!”

“And obviously these clones aren’t normal living beings, aside from the fact that they talk, breathe, walk, and aside from having little emotional or mental capacity, are fully sapient creatures. It’d be less like unsummoning something and more like murdering a dumb child or a wild animal. You are literally putting an end to their existence. In other words, killing them.”

“They- they’re just going back wherever they came from. They aren’t real p-”

“So you have the authority to decide who is considered real or not real? You can decide whether someone lives or dies based on your specifications of what it means to be alive, and end them because you see fit to do so? What kind of sick twisted lessons did that princess teach you for goodness sakes?”

“Wha- Anthony, what are you talking about? They’re just phantoms, fake echoes. they aren’t real.”

“And where I come from, ponies don’t talk or have magic. So that means in my opinion, you aren’t real. Does that mean I can unsummon you and send you back wherever you came from?”

“I’m already at where I came from! The unsummoning wouldn’t send me anywhere! It’d disperse me, which would likely be extremely painful and very messy and I don’t like that thought! If you had summoned me to Earth, then you could unsummon me just fine. I wouldn’t be real there. At least, that’s how it’s been explained by most of the things ponykind has summoned. Lots of them get summoned time and time again, they get called back.”

“And you just assume that they, not knowing where the clones came from, have somewhere to go back to? I’m sorry, but maybe you ponies just have a more definite description of what makes someone real. In that case, without using the word ‘clone’ and just pure biological information, what makes all those Pinkies not real?”

“They’re just magical constructs! They’re incomplete, Anthony, like taking a photograph of a photograph of a photograph! No matter how you develop it, it’s still just a pale copy.”

“And because of that, we can justify doing whatever the hell we want with them because even though they can walk, talk, and, to a point, think... they’re fakes, so that automatically makes them forfeit any sort of rights? Tell me, if an elemental is considered ‘a living thing’ then how are the Pinkies down there not. What measure is a nonh... nonpony? Where is the line drawn? And who decided where the line is anyway? Imperfect clones or not, I’m pretty sure they can feel things like pain, even if they can’t process it.”

“Anthony, I’m trying to tell you, they really aren’t real, and you’re not listening! Why won’t you just listen and accept, just once?” Twilight’s crying now.

“Because all your explanations don’t sound like they apply here. I don’t care if you cry, because that won’t change the fact that you have been planning to just kill these things after you decide they aren’t real enough. You know who does that? Psychopaths. People who don’t care about others or think about what they might be feeling. Are you telling me that you don’t think that, clone or not, they can’t feel anything when they clearly have been trying to seek entertainment, showing a capacity for basic drive? Their goals and minds may be simple compared to us, but does that mean that just because they are essentially stupid children, they deserve to die? To stop existing? How do you know that they existed somewhere before being created? You could just be converting them back to energy or whatever. You take away their bodies and their minds with intent to dispose of them. That’s murder.”

Twilight just shakes her head. “Maybe that’s how it worked on earth. But they really aren’t actual living things any more than a character in a play. They’re made up. And I-” her voice cracks. “I can’t convince you of anything other than your opinion. I’m sorry. But it’s either we unsummon them, like we would a horde of spirits or any other conjured threat, or we let them run amok and destroy the town, like they were doing before we rounded them up. And Anthony?”

“What?”

“I’m sorry you’re wrong again.” With a flash, Twilight disappears, and I lean over the balcony to see her back down on the main floor, this time, separating a trio of Pinkie who had started gnawing on a table, and had made surprising progress on the metal frame of it. A few moments and a trio of hornbeams, and the clones are gone.

That stupid pony... How can she know what’s happening to them when she’s clearly stated she has no idea how they were made or where they came from? All these assumptions and you can justify murder? You can just disregard someone’s eligibility for life? You’re crossing more lines than I thought you could Twilight... and there aren’t that many left to be crossed.

I just hope you don’t forget what I do to monsters. Real monsters...

I start to head for a door but I’m stopped by Rainbow Dash. “Hey uh, Twilight said that if you’re going back to the library, to keep it open and... Idunno, do whatever librarians do.”

Great, now she’s making me her temp agent... I could use some music. Successfully navigating my way out of the Town hall without detection is difficult, but after what feels like an hour, I make it back to the library. I grab the Lyre from the place I left it in and think about what to play.

Chapter 177

I set the Lyre aside, done with music for the time being. Six songs played, and none really did more than make me feel ‘okay’.

Am I just overthinking this, or am I right? I don’t know really. I mean I know I want them gone but... Fucking morals, why can’t I just be an uncaring bastard? Then I wouldn’t have all these things to worry about. Is that the secret to happiness? To just have no fucks to give? That can’t be right, I know it... the plan was to at least start filtering them, not watch what they do and zap the ‘losers’ into oblivion.

But apparently that’s a perfect solution, and the best way to go about things is to not worry about what the other person thinks. Twilight called them mindless and so did I, I admit, but I’m not really sure. Where is the line between ‘real’ and ‘not real’. Maybe I should tell Twilight the story of Pinocchio. If it doesn’t teach her anything, it’ll at least make her sleep with an eye open and a severe fear of marionettes and whales.

I get the feeling someone is here. “Yeah, whatcha want?”

“Well, normally I’d ask for an encore, but you looked pensive.” It’s Clark. He understands this, I know. “Mind if I sit down?”

“Nah. Anyway, Twilight and I had a bit of a... rift when it comes to morality.” I don’t really think about my next words, much before saying. “Did you see what she was doing to those clones? I mean, she barely even thought about what they might be going through, and then she says they’re just mindless copies and aren’t actually alive. Can you believe that? Elementals and spirits are ‘alive’ but clones aren’t?”

“Huh, the way she explained it to me was different. They’re like... xerox copies of poor photos of copies of something that was put through upside down. My interpretation, they still don’t have anything more complex than typewriters. And something about them being mostly energy, not matter. ‘Course, then she said that the original Pinkie floats real close to that line, too, but is more solid than not. Still, at least the clones’re going fast. Still a waste, though.”

“Twilight got her horn up to eleven and going laser happy on anything not holding its pencil right?”

“Hmm? Nah. There was, like, sixty of those clones in there. If how they smell is any indication, I’d bet pony meat would be delicious.” He shrugs. “Too bad Twilight threw a fit when I suggested a barbecue for disposal. I’d eat it all, at least. Figured you might, too.”

“I figure they’d taste like beef or something. Besides, how could you cook something that’s ‘more energy than solid’? Only solids can be chopped up into meat. Or she’s just being a hypocrite and trying to justify borderline homicide.”

“Oh, I already saw one bite it. Fell off a tree at a funky angle, but Twilight just zapped the body back to glitter. That was earlier this morning, and I think the rest of ‘em learned from that not to play in high places.”

“Be honest. Do you think I’m stupid or nuts for thinking Twilight isn’t entirely... y’know... sane?”

“Nah, I just think you’re overthinkin’ this. I mean, come on. I would’ve given an arm and a leg, literally, to get ahold of whatever’s making these dupes back on earth. Man, I could’ve ate well every night, had tons of blanks to just start handing out as party favors... Oh, that would’ve been nice... still, if it dupes an entire creature like a demon, that could’ve gone over terribly bad real fast, but still. I mean, how do you know they actually are suffering? How are you so damned sure they are people? The whole assumptions thing is just as much a problem the other way, y’know.”

“I get that, but... look, I just have a problem with the idea of randomly dispelling something if I don’t know if it’s right or not. Sure maybe they are clones, but how does Twilight know that for sure? She said she had no idea how they came to be, and couldn’t identify any kind of source she recognized. Considering how much she knows about magic, that covers a lot of possibilities. It would have to be something that Pinkie knew about that wouldn’t be in any of the books in this library or the one in Canterlot. I just... don’t like it when she seems so sure of something when she barely thinks about ramifications or if she really doesn’t know.”

“Maybe that’s because it’s usually not a problem. According to the history books, taken with a  grain of salt, of course, almost every problem since the founding of Equestria has been either ‘everyone’s wrong’ or ‘this side is right, and that side is wrong’ situations. And if what I’m guessing about Twilight is true, then she’s been raised on a continuous ‘being right’ streak. And I don’t mean an engineered one, though I don’t know if fate is an embodied thing here,-” My thoughts interrupt him with a response of ‘If it is, it could just kick me in the balls rather than doing all the other garbage it does to me.’ “but actual tendency towards her being right by trusting her instincts. Most of her failures, from what I’ve discussed with her, seem to come from when she tries to ignore those instincts. Mostly because she’s been ‘taught’ otherwise, and finds those teachings incorrect later.”

“But there’s no light-gray/dark-gray morality scale to her! And just because you have been right before doesn’t mean you always will be. What if they weren’t just clones but something else? What if Twilight cast the spell and it didn’t work, and it just blew them into meaty chunks like she said would happen if cast on a real person? Does she just not think of that?”

“Actually, she already knew it worked. Remember? She zapped the dead clone and it just turned into glitter and confetti sprinkles. Either way though, playing ‘what if’ till day’s end will only get you killed by indecision. What if they were all demonspawn, waiting to find you, the hero of Equestria and kill you? What if they had been infectious, and all those hugs you’d been given was turning you into one of them? What if the spell had worked, but they had been magically reflective, and caused all of us to blow up instead? What if, what if, what if. It gets you nowhere unless you have somewhere to start.” He reaches out a finger and pokes me on the nose. “And you have no grounding but fiction to work with. Twilight has practical grounding, and said they’re summoned things. If you had a leg falling off, and a doctor told you it’s gangrene, are you going to contest that it might just be an exceptionally bad rash, in case they don’t really have to cut the leg off? Or are you going to trust the fuckin’ professional?”

I narrow my eyes. “Fine, I get it. Twilight’s fucking perfect and I’m just a whiner. Lesson learned, happy now?”

“No, because you haven’t actually learned, you’re just trying get me to change topics. Fine, that’s alright. Still, maybe we should just let me loose in there. I’ll save one for you guys, and we can just hope it’s the real Pinkie or one that can lead us to wherever she’s being held. Twilight says it’s a terrible idea, but I’d love to find out what another six-hundred-plus-pounds of muscles would make me look like until I digest myself.”

“Look, everyone seems to make Twilight look like the messiah or something and I don’t get it, okay? Yeah, so she’s smart, great, I’m smart too, just in different ways. She’s just as reckless as I am, but when she makes a mistake, which obviously is incredibly rare, it’s nowhere near as bad as when I screw up, is it? At least I try to know whether something deserves to be eliminated before just zapping it. Okay, so she zapped a dead one, that suddenly makes doing it to live ones just fine? You know as well as I do that it’s fully possible to be zapped and have it hurt really bad but not be able to express that. She’s just running with her assumptions, and if I call her out on that, I’m the bad guy. But when I get called out on my mistakes which I know I’ve made, I’m just a problem!”

“Well, y’know what? Fuck this. You’re not listening to anyone, so I’m not going to bother talking anymore. It’s been explained, like, a bajillion times to you, and you don’t give a shit. I’m going to go entertain myself by trying to snag one of the obvious clones before Twilight can get to it.” Clark shakes his head as he leaves the library.

Stupid Twilight, how come she can just get everyone on her side and just... brush me off? I’m thinking about very important things, and she just doesn’t give a crap! Just coming up with an assumption and running with it. But what I really can’t stand is how this seems like she’s always right. I tried to slap the shit out of her when she fucked up, but she’s still going around assuming that things will go this way and goes all out in that direction.

Her skills and knowledge aside, she’s a total moron. Whoever taught her about life must be dumb as hell, have basically no connection to the world and instead... spends time... secluded in a giant castle... on top a mountain... in the center of a town that is more concerned with politics than morality.

Goddamnit that ‘princess’. Why is she so perfect too? Every time I point out a flaw in her or her subjects it’s just waved away, but when I make a mistake, she shoves my face in it like a dog. She’s the main reason there are so many problems around anyway. If she’s so great, why can’t she fix the issues herself? All the talk about how important harmony and togetherness and all her other preachy bullshit just makes the people stupid. They don’t know how to react in danger, they can’t even tell the difference between chaos and evil and when it’s explained they throw fits!

Bored of sitting around the library, I figure I might see what kind of crazy stuff Twilight is up to... aside from blasting clones. I head down into the basement and look around. The containment tube I was in has been replaced, and it looks like everythings been slightly reinforced in case of another mishap. Aside from that, not much is different. A few weird looking machines, a pile of metal scraps in a corner, and a bunch of paper littering the floor coming out of some form of readout device.

Around the place I see a bunch of random scribblings, hypotheses, things to try, it’s all really boring. Maybe this would be more interesting if she actually was a mad scientist. Sighing, I walk back up to the library. I’m just lazing about, wondering how the supposed most powerful magic-user in Ponyville could be so... ugh.

Discord isn’t around either. I figure he’s off doing whatever, but I could really go for some Chaos magic right now. I just start walking around the giant tree aimlessly.

I’m making my third lap around the upstairs when something catches my eye. Twi’s desk, and the locked drawer. That still piques my curiosity. What would be so important that she’d keep away from everyone else?

Maybe it’s her diary. I wonder what kind of dirt I could get on that mare? It’d be nice to have something to hang over her head for once. I check the drawer again, and it’s locked like before. And the enchantment seems to still be in place, meaning I need to have the key to unlock it. I doubt she’d just leave the key out in plain sight though. If she did, I’d probably have found it by now.

There is one thing, however, that Twilight might not have planned for: Human ingenuity and resourcefulness. I grab one of the desk legs and jostle it until I break it off. I use the blunt object to whack the desk and eventually bust the top in, revealing the contents of the drawers. Yanking out the drawer above the locked one, I finally get to see what she’s hiding.

It’s a book, like a journal of some sort by the looks of it. Heh, diary; called it. Now let’s see what’s going on in that little head of yours, shall we?

I take the book up to my room and open it up to the first page. It’s not so much a diary as it is an examination. Descriptions, data, records... and... wait.

The main subject is referred to as a ‘he’ rather than ‘I’ or typical diary fare. I continue flipping through it and a few pages in I realize this is all the stuff she has about me! These are her findings about my powers and how they work and... their limits. Some of this stuff even I didn’t know, how does she...

I flip through the book faster. Why hasn’t she told me any of this? According to this, theoretically my powers could reach near demigod levels at some point! Why doesn’t she want me seeing this?

Continuing on, learn more about my powers, how they probably work, and... how to stop them.

How to stop me.

Why would she need to- Oh, she’s in big trouble now.

Past the Breaking Point

I am lying in wait for Twilight to come home. It’s a long wait, allowing me plenty of time to think on what I’m going to say and do, but eventually the front door clicks and Twilight walks in, Spike riding on her back. “Why’s it so dark in here?”

“Hello, Twilight.”

“Anthony? Why was the front door locked? You know you aren’t supposed to close the library just because you-”

“Spike, go see Rarity.” I interrupt Twilight. I want us to be alone for this. Spike looks a bit confused, but hesitantly climbs off of Twilight and runs off, able to tell he probably doesn’t want to be around for a while. “Now then Twilight, we’re going to have a little chat.”

“What? What’s all this about? What’s gotten into you now?”

“You apparently already know that. You have a lot to answer for.” I usher Twilight to the table in the middle of the room. Locking the library door again, I take my place at the table opposite her.

“Okay Anthony, seriously, what’s going on? If this is still about the clones, I’m sure we can just talk this out.”

“Not about the clones anymore. As for talking things out... You better start praying that you’re right.” I pull the notebook out and drop it on the center of the table. Twilight becomes very nervous.

“H- how’d you get that?”

“That’s not important. What is important is why you decided to hide this knowledge from me.” I keep my voice as calm as I can, my rage betrayed by the intensity of my voice despite how level I try to keep it.

“Well, I didn’t really try to hide it, I just figured you wouldn’t be interested-”

“Why wouldn’t I be interested in this? This is my life, my powers, it has everything to do with me, and it’s most definitely my business. So why wouldn’t you want me knowing my limits? Why do you have all my weaknesses written down and how to exploit said weaknesses? Keep lying to me, Twilight. I dare you.”

Twilight fidgets and has a few false starts before giving her reason. “Well, Celestia figured that if you ever became a problem, we’d need a contingency plan-”

“Ever since I got here, Celestia hasn’t trusted me. No matter how much good I try to do, she treats me like I’m some crazed anarchist, striking every chance I get. I trusted you Twilight. I thought you were better than her, but she’s messed you up too badly!” Twilight winces, her ears folding back. “But this... you’d rather have an advantage over your friend rather than helping him understand what he can and can’t do? You’d stop my progress simply so you could take me down? I never wanted you to be my enemy, I wanted to actually think we could live together as friends, but you just keep fucking this up.”

“W- wait, think about this-”

“No, you think! You are deliberately detailing my potential destruction, as if I would just... snap. Well you know what? I feel like I should and start destroying everything because my only friends treat me like a threat!”  I hold the book up to her face. “And do you know what this is? This is the final nerve.” I stand up, incinerating the book in my hand. Twilight jumps back, clearly scared. “To use a human phrase, this is the last straw... that broke the horse’s back.”

Horrified,Twilight teleports away before I do something to her. But she’s not my main concern. Her teacher is. Celestia keeps judging me, telling me what a danger I am. She just ignores all the good I try to do and tells everyone I’m a threat. Simply because I have power. She doesn’t even know me, but if she never sees me as any more than a threat, then maybe that’s what I have to be. Am I not good enough of a hero for you, princess? If it’s a monster you want, it’s a monster I’ll give you...

I feel my rage hit a fever pitch, and through it, I hear music in my head. With a sharp intake of breath, I begin to sing, letting my message play out to all who hear it. I step out of the library and into Ponyville, screaming my words as I head for the train station.

♪You never really understood me! You always put me down! Like a dog that's beaten over and over, one day I'm gonna take you down!

This is who I am, not a shadow of who I want to be! Try to understand: This is what you made me, and you're not ever gonna change me!

You underestimate my sorrow, all the wreckage of my life

I tried so many times to tell you: You were going way too far! No excuses!

This is who I am, not a shadow of who I want to be! Try to understand: This is what you made me, and you're not ever gonna change me!

You have made me! You can't change me!

You don't know me! This is who I am!

You have made me! You can't change me!

You don't know me! This. Is. Who. I. Am!♪

My rage-filled trek through Ponyville is met with screams and running townsfolk, I get to the train and enter the engine room. I want to get to Canterlot, and I’m gonna do it myself. I load all the coal into the furnace and superheat it. The energy output increase from the overheated fuel source makes the train speed up to an incredible rate.

♪This is who I am, not a shadow of who I want to be! Try to understand: This is what you made me, and you're not ever gonna change me!

The locomotive rockets down the tracks, the wheels and pistons creaking and groaning under the intense amount of energy they are expending. I’m almost to Canterlot now, and the train probably won’t be able to last much longer before breaking down.

You have made me. You can't change me

You don't know me. This is who I am!

You have made me. You can't change me

You don't know me. This is who I am!

You have made me! You can't change me!

You don't know me! This. Is. Who. I. Am!!♪

I step off the damaged train and make my way towards the castle, another song stirring inside me, following the last one. I stomp my way through the city, the lyrics I’m screaming aimed directly at Celestia, but the citizens around me scattering in a mad panic at the enraged, electrified being stomping through their city.

♪All my devotion betrayed! I am no longer afraid!

I was too blinded to see how much you've stolen from me!

You want to know why I feel so horrified? I've felt my innocence die!

You want to know why I can't be pacified? You made me bury something. I won't be sleeping tonight!

I only wanted them blessing me, now I've been labeled a renegade!

It seems so clear now what I must do: Slay an immortal!I won't let them deify you!

They view you as some strange messiah, deify you! They all believe in some demented mare!♪

I’ve made my way to the castle gate and stare down the guards who come to face me. Not stopping my song, the words alone seem to terrify them and they scatter. I continue on, and when I reach the throne room, I grow to an immense size and kick the door down, knocking it off its hinges and launching the halves into the room. I walk towards Celestia, and continue screaming my song.

♪You want to know why it seems the passion's died? They’re all believing your lie!

You want to know why my will's been fortified? You've made me a monster again! Good luck sleeping tonight!

I only wanted them blessing me, now I've been labeled a renegade!

It seems so clear now what I must do: Slay an immortal!I won't let them deify you!

They view you as some strange messiah, deify you! They all believe in some demented mare!

Celestia backs up a bit as I’m now right in front of her, continuing to yell my song in her face and drawing my sword. My voice seems to duplicate, the words repeating over each other.

All my devotion betrayed! I am no longer afraid! All my devotion betrayed I am no longer afraid!

I was too blinded to see! I was too blinded to see how much you've stolen from me! How much you've stolen from me! All my devotion betrayed! I am no longer afraid! I was too blinded to see! I was too blinded to see how much you've stolen from me! How much you've stolen from me!

Deify you! They view you as some strange messiah!

Deify you! They all believe in some demented mare!

Deify you! All my devotion betrayed! They view you as some strange messiah! I am no longer afraid!

Deify you!  I was too blinded to see how much you've stolen from me! They all believe in some de-men-ted maaaaaaaare!♪

I end the song, every particle of my rage aimed directly at the alicorn in front of me.

“Anthony! I- What? Why?”

“I found Twilight’s book, the one on me. I know she’s been recording my weaknesses and sharing them with you. You never even care about what good I try to do, you just ignore my heroism and shove my face in the dirt, calling me a danger to your subjects!”

“Wait, you think-”

“Shut up! I’m done listening to you degrade me. You kept pushing over and over. Well now I’m pushing back!”

“Stop! I never meant for you to take it this way!”

“Then maybe you really aren’t as good a judge of people as you think. If you can’t tell how you’ve been asking for this, then that’s your fault!”

This gets the princess to stammer, but she does respond. “Anthony, I’m not sure what you are thinking, but my sister and I-”

I swing my sword to the side, the shock-wave shattering two of the stained-glass murals on the wall, letting a strong breeze into the room. “Don’t you dare try to bring Luna into this!! She’s been nicer than you’ve ever been. She’s actually capable of empathy, and I’m not going to be splitting the blame between you!”

“Y- you think I haven’t been nice?”

“You send me letters calling me an anarchist! Never once have I heard you say ‘good job’ or even thank me for helping the ponies you are supposed to be watching over!”

Celestia gets a confused face. “What? Why would I need to thank you? You-”

“Ungrateful bitch!” I punch Celestia across her face as hard as I can, leaving a noticeable mark on the side of her muzzle, stunning her into stepping back. I’m about to continue my verbal attack, when I stop making noise.

Celestia’s horn glows, and she sighs. “Anthony, I understand you are upset but-”

<I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!> My steel-gray skin glows brightly as Celestia cringes and shudders, my Absolute Voice letting me literally scream inside her brain. The loss of concentration makes her drop the mute spell. Once more, I feel the urge to burst into song, and I metaphorically grab hold of the power and use it, twisting the words into my message to the princess.

♪Let's get the story straight: You are a poison!

You flooded through my veins and left me broken

You tried to make me think that the blame was all on me, with the shame you put me through

And now you’ll know that it's not me it's you!

It's not me it's you, always has been you!

All the lies and stupid things you say and do, it's you! It's not me it's you!

All the lies and blame you put me through, I know that it's not me it's you!

You! You! It's not me it's you! You!♪

Celestia shakes her head sadly. “Do you really think-” I interrupt her with my lyrical response.

♪So here we go again, the same fight we're always in.

I don't care, so why pretend? Wake me when your fucking lecture ends!

You tried to make me small, make me fall and it's all your fault with the blame you put me through!

And now you’ll know that it's not me it's you!

It's not me it's you, always has been you!

All the lies and stupid things you say and do, it's you! It's not me it's you!

All the lies and blame you put me through, I know that it's not me it's you!

Let's get the story straight: You are a poison flooding through my veins, driving me insane!

This time I’ll make you go away!

I'll no longer choke from the pain you put me through!

And now you’ll know that it's not me it's you! You!

It's not me it's you, always has been you!

All the lies and stupid things you say and do, it's you! It's not me it's you!

All the lies and blame you put me through, I know that it's not me it's you!

You! It's not me it's you! You!

It's not me it's you!

It's not me it's you!

It's not me it's you!♪

The amount of energy I expelled from aiming that all at one source has tired me out, but I’m not going to back down. Not now. I await Celestia’s response. She looks shocked and... hurt.

“I... I didn’t know that’s what you were thinking. I always thought you knew how much good you were doing, so I didn’t feel the need to say anything...”

“It’s not that I didn’t know, it’s that I want confirmation, acknowledgement! But instead of approval, I get you telling me about how you think I’m going to join some cult, and that you need to spy on my friends as if we would turn at any moment! What I don’t get is why me and my friends? Is it because we’re human, and you need to keep an eye on the aliens like some sort of science project?”

“I do it because you could potentially be dangerous. You can be highly destructive and I just want to make sure that everypony will be safe-”

“You biased, racist asshole!”

“What!?”

“It is because we’re human!”

“No, I just said-”

“Because of our potential danger. And yet you don’t monitor anyone else! What about Twilight, huh? You should know better than anyone how dangerous she could be! She has the power to go around popping heads left and right with blind discretion, and you trust her, but not me? Why?” Celestia is about to respond, but I cut her off. “Because it’s less likely that she’d snap? Oh, right, she’s never had mental breakdowns induced by her neurotic tendencies. Then it must be because she’s a pony. It’s obvious you’ve been unable to see bad intentions in your subjects until they become serial killers. You’re just a xenophobe, treating me and my friends like monsters, while you yourself teach countless ponies how to use magic, the most deadly thing that could be taught!” A thought flashes through my mind and I speak it before even processing it. “Maybe Equestria would be better off without you.”

“How can you say that? Many ponies depend on me-”

“The ponies in Chickago seemed to be doing just fine without you. In fact, they seemed a lot less emotionally restricted. And don’t bring your ‘raising the sun’ bullshit to the table either. I’ve seen the sun and moon rise and fall all by themselves simply because of gravitational pull. And in the event that gravity doesn’t work like that here, I’ve heard that little Story-of-Christmas tale your ponies tell. It doesn’t require you to do it, it just needs a bunch of unicorns. All things considered, you’re nothing more than a convenience or a fraud!”

Celestia sighs, turning to one side. She nods faintly, then turns to me, her face hardened. Strange, she doesn’t look angry or scared or anything like that. Just... disappointed? Her horn flickers gold an-

-nd I’m back in Ponyville. Also, I’m now nauseous. Urgh... I hate teleportation! I hate Celestia! I hate... hate... hate... “Graaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

I scream with rage as I explode into ignition, scorching everything around me, charring it to black. My outburst over, I grow as tall as I can, now a veritable titan among insects. I grab the town fountain and rip the pony statue out of the ground, water spraying everywhere as I hurl the sculpture to the horizon.

Suddenly I feel like I’m deflating as I start to shrink against my will. I can’t fight it, quickly I’m back to my normal size. Twilight and the other Bearers are on the scene and it seems pretty obvious to me what happened. Twilight begins to speak, but I cut her off. “Leave me alone, you lying traitor! You had your chances and you fucked them all up! I’m done with you!”

“Wait, let me explain-”

“You already have!!” I scream my response as my Heat form triggers itself again, flames leaping from my body.

I come upon the tablet again, the memorial stone. Once more, I feel a spike of anger go through me and I swipe over it with my overheated fingers to turn the word ‘Hero’ into a melted smudge.

I continue on, switching between powers as I smash craters into the ground, slash wounds into the environment, and turn dirt roads to glassy slag.

“Come on, Celestia! You think you can stop me!? Get off your ass and do something about it for once!” I swing my sword and the wave of plasma slashes a chunk out of the town hall. “Did you think I’d just let you keep shooting me down and give up? That I’d just roll over and try to compromise with someone who treats me like a freak? No more Mr. Nice Guy, here’s how my breaking point looks!” I grow again and smash my gargantuan foot through the train station with a kick. “Do you like it? Do you fucking like it!?”

Shrinking down, I move to the train, screaming ponies escaping from the vehicle as fast as their tiny legs would let them. I telepathically grab all the coal out of the train’s coal car, lighting the lumps and sending them flying over the town, the closest simulation to ‘raining fire’ that I could achieve. “Where’s your fucking princess now, huh? Where are you? Are you afraid of what my pain looks like? You wanna feel how I do, my entire world destroyed!? Then sit there while I destroy everything you know and burn their ashes!!”

I get the feeling that someone is behind me. I turn and see Myrna. She stutters what I assume is supposed to be a threat. “Stop this! You don’t-”

I walk up to her and close my eyes, preventing her from being able to petrify me. Heating up further, I clearly reach a point that her cold-blooded body finds unbearable as I feel her presence start to shrink away, despite having been towering over me a second ago.

<LEAVE.>

At my simple, but cosmic command, she shivers a bit. I release a burst of searing light, and blind her. It seems it’s too much as Myrna slithers away quickly to escape me.

“What’s your plan, princess? Wait until I’ve destroyed it all then nuke me with the sun once whatever that does isn’t nearly as bad as what I did so you look like a hero!?” I grab the nearest pony by the neck and hold them up towards the mountain of Canterlot. “Watch as your goddess of the sun does nothing, not giving a shit about you or your loved ones, and tell me who is the lesser of our two evils!”

Dropping the pony I turn to continue on my way when I’m suddenly paralyzed, a dark blue glow surrounds me and everything goes blac-

A episode of blinded disorientation later, I realize I’m in some sort of expansive void, like someone just sent me somewhere I’d be impotent.

I will not be contained like a beast! I will not be dehumanized! I start screaming my throat raw as I expel my power into the vast nothing, fire and electricity swirling together as I release massive bursts of light, the shockwaves of power flinging cosmic energy into the void. I continue trying to obliterate wherever I am to force it into sending me back.

Soon though, I’m drained to the point of fatigue. I can’t continue my onslaught against the universe anymore, resigning myself to my fate of being stuck in this white-speckled void, floating amongst the vast nothingness. Not very far below me is a large, rugged white surface.

The moon? I’m... in space?

Looking up, I notice Luna, her face a mixture of multiple emotions. I can’t tell if most of them are positive or not. I feel the presence of others. Very powerful others. I turn away from Luna and see flurries of light, vortexes of swirling, flickering flames in the vacuum. Each set of what I assume to be stars is a different color, formed of collections of differing shades.

Something inside me makes me feel like I should wait for them to speak first. And they do.

<WE MUST SPEAK, ANTHONY...>

Chapter 179

The first thing I’m worried about is breathing up here, but as my unaffected, glowing body would imply, I don’t need air up here. Or gravity, or traction... This is a bit weird but once I get situated I return my attention to the Constellations.

<SO, WHAT DID YOU WANT?> Seems my speech defaults to ‘Absolute Voice’ up here as well.

<YOU ARE SUMMONED TO ALLOW TIME FOR CALMNESS.> The ‘voice’ comes from a smaller cluster of reddish stars, each one projecting a sense of age.

<I’M CALM NOW, SO WHAT’S NEXT ON YOUR AGENDA? I MAY HAVE A STAR CORE, BUT THIS IS STILL BUSINESS THAT DOESN’T CONCERN YOU.>

<THIS IS TRUTH.> A different cluster speaks this time, voice more... feminine. The stars are bright, and energetic.

<YEAH, GREAT. SO WHAT DID YOU WANT WITH ME EXACTLY? ACTUALLY, I’M GONNA DO THE TALKING, I WANT SOME ANSWERS. WHY DO I HAVE A STAR CORE IN THE FIRST PLACE?>

A swirl of violet stars swarm around me, revealing themselves to be small enough to fit in my fist. <This is not known, Anthony. You arrived, and you were a star. That is what is known.>

<GREAT, THANKS FOR THAT. SO WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS? AND WHAT ABOUT MY OTHER POWERS? YOU SAY THEY’RE LINKED TO THE CORE, BUT I CAN’T USE THEM AT THE SAME TIME. WHY NOT?>

<TRUTH WAS NOT GIVEN TO YOU. LYRA WAS INCORRECT IN WHAT THEY TOLD YOU.> The first cluster says.

<SO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW? I MEAN THIS ISN’T REALLY FAIR, I JUST WANT STRAIGHT ANSWERS.>

<IT WOULD BE BEST IF LYRA EXPLAINED, NOT US. WE DO NOT KNOW ALL THAT PASSES THROUGH THE MIND OF PROPHECY.>

<AND I’M JUST SUPPOSED TO ASSUME SHE ISN’T BULLSHITTING ME THIS TIME? WHAT KIND OF SHOW ARE YOU EVEN RUNNING HERE?>

<THE CONVERSATION WILL REMAIN TRUTHFUL. WE WILL BEAR NO FALSENESS HERE.> A wide batch of green stars speaks, bobbing and shifting in place as they do.

<FINE, TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON. WHY AM I WRAPPED UP IN ALL THIS AND WHAT DO MY POWERS HAVE TO DO WITH ME PERSONALLY?>

<WE SHALL RELEASE LYRA FROM HER PUNISHMENT. AS WELL, YOU SHOULD RELINQUISH THE CELESTIAL DEVICE THAT BELONGS TO HER. YOU BROKE THE CONTRACT YOU SIGNED, BUT WE SHALL GIVE YOU LENIENCY.>

I sigh and take the Lyre from my belt. <SO JUST TO MAKE THINGS CLEAR AND MAKE SURE I HAVE THIS STRAIGHT... YOU SEND ONE OF YOUR PALS DOWN TO LIE TO MY FACE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, THEN YOU JUST LEAVE BEHIND THIS MYSTICAL ARTIFACT WHERE ANY RANDOM DUMBASS COULD PICK IT UP, AND YOU BLAME ME FOR LETTING SOMEONE WHO I DEEM ABSOLUTELY TRUSTWORTHY BORROW IT, USE IT, AND THEY GAVE IT BACK... IF YOU ASK ME, I’M NOT THE ONE IN TROUBLE. IDUNNO IF YOU’RE LYRA’S PARENTS OR WHATEVER, BUT BOTTOM LINE, YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF HER IT SEEMS. IF SHE ISN’T TRUSTWORTHY ENOUGH TO LEAVE THIS ARTIFACT OF CREATION IN HER POSSESSION, THEN WHY’D YOU GIVE IT TO HER? YEAH I’VE BEEN A DICK, BUT SO HAVE YOU GUYS. HECK, YOU WAITED UNTIL NOW TO TELL ME YOU’VE BEEN PUNKING ME!>

<THIS IS FALSE. THEY ARE NOT AN ANIMAL TO BE LEASHED TO A POST. THAT THEY LEFT THE ARTIFACT WITH YOU IS IRRELEVANT TO YOUR BREACH OF CONTRACT. LYRA CHOSE OF THEIR OWN COLLECTIVE WILL TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY DID. JUST AS LYRA ARE NOT A DOG TO BE CALLED AND BECKONED, NEITHER ARE YOU. OR WOULD YOU PREFER US TO CHAIN YOU TO THE HEAVENS, THAT WE MAY CONVERSE AT ANY TIME?> the green constellation asks.

<I’M NOT TELLING YOU TO TREAT HER LIKE A DOG, I’M TELLING YOU SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSEDLY IN CHARGE OF. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU EVEN DO ALL THE TIME. FAR AS I KNOW, YOUR JOBS ARE TO SIT UP HERE AND TWINKLE!>

<WE GRANT THE WISHES OF MORTAL KIND, AND UTILIZE THE CELESTIAL DEVICES TO AID IN THAT PROCESS. ONCE, WE PARTICIPATED IN MORTAL CONCERNS, THOUGH WE HAVE REDUCED SUCH CONTACT IN RECENT CENTURIES.> the familiar-sounding purple constellation says.

<SO YOU JUST SIT UP HERE AND TWINKLE. I DON’T BELIEVE IN WISHES BEING GRANTED. IF THAT HAPPENED, DO YOU KNOW HOW SHITTY THE WORLD WOULD BE FOR ANYONE WHO WASN’T WISHING FOR THIS OR THAT?>

The cold blue color of the stars in a simple ‘?’ formation relates to the cold, detached tone of the constellation’s voice.

<SO I’M JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE, YOU COME DOWN AND MESS WITH ME, DROP A VERY IMPORTANT THING IN FRONT OF ME, AND BECAUSE I DON’T FOLLOW YOUR RULES, I’M IN TROUBLE? LYRA IS ONE OF YOU, AND THEREFORE SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AS SUCH. IF ONE OF YOU SCREWS UP, THEN IT’S EVERYONE’S FAULT. THAT’S HOW ORGANIZATIONS WORK.>

The unfamiliar purple stars speak again. <So you wish it, so shall it be. All sapient life shall be extinguished, for all have contained members who have... ‘screwed up’. Unless you would prefer to have individuals be punished for their actions separate from their peers?>

<NOW YOU ARE BEING FACETIOUS. WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW AND WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?>

<THIS IS FALSE. AS WE HAVE STATED BEFORE, LYRA SHALL EXPLAIN THEIR ACTIONS TO YOU, WHEN YOU ARE READY TO STOP BLAMING ALL OF US FOR THE MISTAKES OF A FEW.>

<ALRIGHT WHERE IS SHE, THEN?>

<They shall be brought forth. You shall relinquish the Lyre to them.>

<WHY? SO SHE CAN LEAVE IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE? ASIDE FROM PLAY MUSIC, WHAT DOES THIS THING EVEN DO? YOU SAY IT GRANTS WISHES OR WHATEVER, BUT IF IT’S SO IMPORTANT, THEN WHY DOES IT ACT AS NOTHING MORE THAT A GIANT IPOD?>

<ANTHONY!!> A swarm of little, teal-blue lights swarm around me, and a feeling like being hugged by thirty toddlers translates across my skin. The voice certainly sounds like Lyra’s.

<YEAH HI, SO WHAT’S YOUR GAME? IF YOU WANTED TO MESS WITH SOMEBODY, WHY ME? THINK I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITHOUT WORRYING THAT I COULD JUST BLOW UP WHENEVER I DEFEND MY FRIENDS?>

<ER... RIGHT. SORRY, THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH WE CAN DO WHEN USING THE LYRE AND THERE'S LOTS OF DETAILS AND WE WERE KIND OF FILLING IN THOSE DETAILS ON THE FLY AND NORMALLY WE’RE CLOSER TO BEING ON-TRACK AND IF WE WERE WRONG WE'RE SUPER-SORRY WHICH IS LIKE NORMAL SORRY BUT WEARING A CAPE AND WE’RE REALLY GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN AND WE REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE YOU ALL WORRIED AND THE LYRE WAS SORTA ACCIDENTALLY FORGOTTEN BECAUSE WE WERE TRYING TO GET BACK HERE BEFORE NATOQUE NOTICED BUT THEN WE GOT HERE AND WE SAW WE DIDN’T HAVE IT AND COULDN’T USE IT AND THEN NIGHT FELL AND WE COULDN’T DO OUR NORMAL MIND-READING THING AND COULDN’T FIGURE OUT THE INTENT BEHIND WISHES AND SO WE COULDN’T GRANT ANY WISHES AND SO THERE’S KINDA BEEN NO WISHES GRANTED IN A LONG TIME AND IT FEELS REALLY WEIRD AND WE’RE SO SORRY!> The tiny conglomerate of voices comes in bits and pieces from the swarm of lights clinging to me, the effect a little disorienting.

I raise an eyebrow and look at the other clusters of stars. This Lyra sounded the same but wasn’t acting at all like the calm pony she was a while back. <WHAT DID YOU DO, FEED HER FIVE POTS OF COFFEE INTRAVENOUSLY?>

the cold voice responds.

<WELL UNTIL SHE STOPS ACTING LIKE A CHILD, I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ENTRUSTING A WISH-GRANTING ARTIFACT TO HER. JUST SAYING.>

<The celestial devices do not grant wishes. Stars grant wishes, Anthony. The Lyre grants the gift of knowing, the ability to see the minds of all around or those of the song. This is why you can recreate any song you’ve heard. The Lyre plays from your past, not your present memory.>

Certainly explains how I remember all the words to every song flawlessly when performed... <ALRIGHT THEN, THAT’S ALL I WANT, A KICKASS PARTY TRICK. IF YOU CAN GIVE ME A LESS GOD-TIER VERSION OF THIS LYRE THAT JUST PLAYS MUSIC LIKE IT, I’LL DROP ALL MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT LYRA BEING STUPID WITH IT. DEAL?>

<THE DEVICE IS NOT TRULY SO POWERFUL, SIMPLY UNIQUE. A LESSER VERSION, THOUGH, SHOULD NOT BE TOO DIFFICULT TO MANUFACTURE.> another voice says, one that had not spoken before. <AS THAT IS OUR FUNCTION, WE CAN BEGIN ON THIS WHILE YOU CONVERSE WITH OUR KIN.>

<FINE WITH ME. ALRIGHT THEN, WHAT’S YOUR STORY LYRA, REALLY? WHY CHOOSE TO MESS WITH ME? DO I SERIOUSLY RUN THE RISK OF DECIMATING EVERYTHING WITHIN A HUNDRED-MILE RADIUS AND BEYOND EVERY TIME I TRY TO USE MY POWERS?>

<WELL... YOU WILL ONE DAY. YOU SEE, WE ARE VERY GOOD AT INFERENCE, AND WITH THE LYRE PLAYING, WE CAN SEE THE MAJOR INFORMATION, BUT WE CANNOT SEE THEIR ORIGIN. YOUR POWERS COME FROM A SHROUDED SOURCE, BEYOND TIME OR UNDERSTANDING. HOWEVER, WE WERE MISTAKEN ABOUT THE DIRECT CONNECTIONS YOUR POWERS HAVE. FURTHER OBSERVATION AND LIBRA CHECKING OUR ANSWERS HAS SHOWN THAT YOUR POWERS STEM FROM... DIFFERING WELLSPRINGS. TO PUT IT SIMPLY, THEY HAVE ONE SPIGOT, AND FIVE HOSES. YOU CAN CONNECT ONLY ONE TO THE SPIGOT AT A TIME. THAT’S CONJECTURE, JUST TO, UH, NOT MISLEAD, BY THE WAY.>

<YEAH I GET THAT- WAIT, FIVE?> I go over the powers in my head. Size enhancement, the coal manipulation, the star core, and... <OKAY, ASSUMING THAT ALL MY STAR CORE ABILITIES ARE SEPARATE AND THAT MY MAGIC NULLIFICATION TRICK IS NOT PART OF MY STAR CORE... YOU’RE SAYING I HAVE A FIFTH POWER?>

<THAT IS TRUTH.> The one I’m 99% sure is Libra replies. <YOUR LIFE FLOWS WITH FIVE GREAT WELLS OF POWER. MANY HUMANS BEAR THE SAME WELLS, BUT FLOWING WITH DIFFERENT POWER. SOME BEAR MANY ‘SPIGOTS’ AND SOME BEAR ONLY ONE. AN UNFORTUNATE INDIVIDUAL BEARS NONE, AND THEIR POWER ONLY LEAKS FROM A RESERVOIR WHEN INJURED.>

I think I’m getting it. <SO CLARK JUST GOT A STAR CORE FROM SHEER DUMB LUCK, SAME AS ME, BUT OTHERWISE OUR POWERSETS ARE ROLLED FROM DIFFERENT DICE?>

<THIS IS... PARTIAL TRUTH. SAME DICE, DIFFERENT RESULTS. KNOW THAT THESE ANSWERS ARE LEARNED FROM THE POWER OF THE SCALES. THERE IS EITHER FALSENESS OR TRUTH TO A STATEMENT, BUT THE TRUTH IS NOT A SINGLE THING.> Libra replies.

<SO I HAVE ANOTHER POWER. YOU SAY YOU CAN SEE THE FUTURE, SO WHAT IS IT?>

<WE DON’T KNOW THE FUTURE ANY MORE THAN YOU DO. WE PREDICT IT THE WAY HUMANS PREDICT THE THE WEATHER; WE LOOK AT THE PAST AND THE CONDITIONS, AND GUESS VERY HARD.> Lyra explains.

I sigh. This has been both educational... and a total waste of time simultaneously. A thought enters my mind. <HEY, YOU GUYS SAID YOU CAN GRANT WISHES, RIGHT? HOW ABOUT THIS? I WISH ALL THE DEMONS WERE GONE AND WOULD STOP COMING THROUGH TO TERRA. THEN THERE’S LESS REASON FOR ME TO NEED A FIFTH POWER.>

A chorus of laughter surrounds me. All but the yellow constellation are laughing their hypothetical asses off. <THAT IS A MOST ENTERTAINING WISH. BUT NONE OF US KNOW WHAT BRINGS THEM, SO NONE OF US CAN ACT AGAINST THEIR TRANSPORT TO THIS WORLD.> the red stars say.

<WHAT? OH COME ON, YOU’RE LIKE... THESE SUPER-POWERFUL MAGICAL BEINGS, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! YOU THINK I CAN KEEP DOING THIS MYSELF? SO FAR OUR PLANS FOR SLOWING IT ARE BARELY IN THE BEGINNING! YOU NEED TO HELP US DO SOMETHING!>

<All things have rules, Anthony, even gods and wishes. As much as we would like to help, each wish is an incredible expenditure of energy, and the only way to accomplish a task with no clear goals would result in the extinguishing of every star. Including yourself and your brother-friend.>

<SO YOU’RE JUST GONNA SIT BACK AND LET THINGS HAPPEN? NOT EVEN OFFER TO HELP? YOU’RE WORSE THAN *CELESTIA!* YOU HAVE POWER AND YOU HAVE POSITION, DO SOMETHING WITH IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE!**>

<To do so would mean the end of our entire race, just for the benefit of a few mortal lives. Would you say genocide is the preferable option to learning? Is progress and change so truly anathema to you, Anthony? Just because you have power does not mean you should use it. The rules that govern us are older than that which they govern, and are in place for a reason.>

<IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE EXACTLY THAT, I JUST WANT YOU TO CONTRIBUTE SOMETHING. A WEAPON OR SOME KIND OF POWER! I KNOW YOU GET POWER FROM THOSE MAKING WISHES, AND I DOUBT THAT THE DEMONS WILL LEAVE YOU WITH ANYONE TO MAKE WISHES IF THEY WIN, SO HELP US, IF ONLY TO SAVE YOUR OWN DAMN BACON!>

<Fine. Power you wish for, power you’ll have. We will personally teach you of something you would not learn of on your own, with as narrow your field of vision is. This will take time, and you will be patient, or we will cast you to the earth as a fallen star, and you will never bear the full strength of your powers again. This is not a threat, this is incentive not to be unnecessarily rude.>

I roll my eyes. Was it really this hard for us to get to this point? <THANK YOU, THAT WILL DO JUST FINE. NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?>

<First, you must seek your center. The spark you create when you flare your light, this is the simplest spark of the energy you will learn. First you will find this power, then you will learn to refine it, then you will learn not to ignite the air with it by accident. Now. Create light.>

I focus on my elemental forms and do that trick where I infuse fire and electricity, keeping it up, creating a pulsing glow all around me.

<No. Create true light, not flickers.>

How am I supposed to do that though? I think hard. Light is created by... by... damnit. <I... I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING RIGHT NOW, I’M SORRY BUT CAN YOU BE A BIT CLEARER? WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROCEDURE? WHAT DO I USE? FIRE OR ELECTRICITY? THAT’S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO ASIDE FROM SPEED OR INTANGIBILITY, BUT THOSE DON’T MAKE LIGHT.>

I hear a sound like a sigh, as most of the constellations begin moving away from us. <This form is not of heat or lightning, but of light itself. You must calm yourself, and bring the light within you, that which makes you greater of mind and soul, than that which seeks to tear you down. If we must, we will guide you more forcefully, though this will not be pleasant for you.>

I think hard on how to do that, with the soul and mind stuff. I’ve just never been that good with spiritual explanations. But unpleasantness... that I know how to learn from. <DO IT. DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO SHOW ME. I JUST CAN’T UNDERSTAND.> Lately, admitting defeat pisses me off but here, now... I feel ashamed. Like I used to. I feel failure. It’s... refreshing in a way. Familiar.

<So be it, Anthony.> as the voice speaks, I see and feel the stars that make up the larger purple constellation. suddenly, with a sound like meat on a griddle, the stars sink into my flesh. I’d scream in pain, but another star forces itself between my eyes, and all volition leaves my body. <Be sure to learn as I demonstrate. This will be unbearable for you if it must be done again.> The voices resonate endlessly in my mind, forcing every thought out of my head.

I do what I can to ‘agree’ and release control back to my instructor in full, focusing on my muscles and how I feel, pushing the controlless feeling out of my mind as best I can. I’m ready.

Chapter 180

I think I have it down now, the first attempt hurt, the second was less so, but still uneasy. I don’t know which attempt this is but it certainly feels right, and more accomplished now that I’m doing this of my own volition. I reopen my eyes and I see a pale nexus, swirling around me, part of me. I can move it slightly, but not remove it from my body. Apparently I’m not supposed to. Looking down at my chest, I see that where I normally find my star core, is gone. This nimbus of energy, of light is my star core... And I feel powerful, so powerful. And free, like a weight or some kind of suppression is removed entirely.

I look back at the amalgamation of stars that is my teacher, and silently await their approval or disappointment at my latest try.

<You have performed adequately enough. Any further failings to learn are upon you, and you shall have to practice on your own. For now, however, you won’t accidentally ignite the atmosphere the other life-forms require to survive.> the swirling collection of stars, which I had been informed is named ‘Natoque’ or ‘Crown’, slowly retreats. <Now... the mother wishes to speak with you, and you require time to rest after your meager success.

Well, meager or not, it’s success, and success is progress, which is my goal here. I’m not sure how long I’ve been up here, but I recall vaguely that there’s been a few cycles of day and night since I was brought here. I turn and Luna is up here once again. <WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEAK? HERE, OR BACK ON TERRA?>

I silently hope she wants the latter as I have no idea how to get back by myself. I know I can’t fly and I have a feeling that once I enter Terra’s gravitational bubble, I’ll head straight for the ground and go ‘splat’.

“Here is perfectly fine, Anthony, though if you’d like to stay on the moon instead for the time being, I would be happy to accommodate you.”

<WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE IS FINE. IT WON’T CHANGE WHAT WE WILL BE TALKING ABOUT, I’M SURE.>

A ripple in the starscape later, and the two of us on the smooth, pale surface of the moon. The high rises of a crater’s lip surrounds us, revealing that we’re at the bottom of a crater. Strangely, the edges of the crater appear to have a wall on them, made of the pale moondust.

This is where Luna spent a thousand years? At least she had company I suppose, what with the constellations about and all. <AND FROM WHAT I GATHER, THE MOON IS ALIVE OR AT LEAST SAPIENT AS WELL, ISN’T IT?>

“That is an interesting and difficult-to-answer question, Anthony. She is both aware and... not.”

I shake my head. <REGARDLESS, IT’S NOT WHAT WE ARE HERE TO TALK ABOUT. I’M SURE THERE ARE MANY PLACES TO START... ASK WHATEVER QUESTION YOU WANT, I SUPPOSE.>

“Mmm, I came here to ask how you were doing.” Luna says, moving to a sitting position. As she does, a cushion of white-gray powder forms beneath her, without any glow of magic to make it.

<I SUPPOSE I’M OKAY. I’M NOT PLANNING ON GOING BACK TO EQUESTRIA AND WRECKING THE PLACE IF THAT’S WHAT YOU MAY HAVE BEEN WONDERING.>

“That is good to hear, but I was meaning how you feel and if you have benefited from your time here. Your friends have begun to miss you, and the young Crusaders have not been having sound nights of sleep without you this last month. It seems you pacify their dreams better than I do.”

I find that rather hard to believe, but I’m sure they at least miss me. <I’M DOING FINE UP HERE, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK. I’VE LEARNED A FEW THINGS, BUT I’D RATHER BE SOMEWHERE WHERE I HAVE MORE INFLUENCE. BUT LET’S NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH, I HAVE NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT, FOR AT LEAST A SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME, YOU THOUGHT ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SISTER.>

“So far, I have more wondered at your insistence on being so... antagonistic towards her. She has much experience, and has obviously been trying very hard to work with you-”

<I’M SURE SHE’S WORKING EXTREMELY HARD, BUT SHE CLEARLY ISN’T GETTING THE RESULT SHE, OR YOU I ASSUME, WANTS. CONSIDERING LAST I CHECKED, PONYVILLE WAS A SMALL EARTHQUAKE AWAY FROM BEING A WARZONE.>

Luna sighs. “Anthony, you must understand, there are still many who care for you and are trying to understand your position.”

<AND WHAT DO YOU THINK MY POSITION EVEN IS? WHAT DOES CELESTIA THINK IT IS? I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT MY POSITION COULD BE, I’M JUST REACTING TO STIMULUS LIKE ANYONE WOULD. IT JUST SEEMS THAT YOUR SISTER IS QUITE KEEN AT INCITING... NEGATIVE REACTIONS.>

“I hope you understand, she’s just trying to help. And it does not help anything that you consistently refuse the help of others. You have friends, Anthony.”

<I KNOW I HAVE FRIENDS THAT WANT TO HELP ME, I HAVE MANY PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR ME, AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THEY HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.>

“You- you do? I mean, you do, but, you knew that? Then... why? Why do you react with such rage and with so little thought behind your actions?”

<BECAUSE THEIR INTENTIONS ARE GOOD, BUT THE WAY THEY INCITE THEM IS NOT. AND CERTAIN PEOPLE I HONESTLY DON’T THINK HAVE MY BEST INTEREST IN MIND. YOUR SISTER FOR ONE. SHE SEEMS CONTENT IN SENDING ME MAIL SAYING I SHOULDN’T BE A MONSTER WHEN I HAVEN’T BEEN, THAT I SHOULDN’T BE DOING BAD THINGS LIKE TERRORIZING HER SUBJECTS FOR FUN. IT TAKES ME GOING TO HER DOORSTEP AND YELLING AT HER TO GET HER TO STOP ASSUMING I’M A BAD PERSON. THAT’S WHAT I SEE HER DOING. AND YET WHEN I DO COME BY TO MAKE HER STOP, SHE BECOMES DEFENSIVE, AS IF IT’S REALLY ALL MY FAULT THAT SHE’S MAKING ALL THESE NEGATIVE IMPLICATIONS ABOUT ME. SHE WOULDN’T STOP TREATING ME LIKE A MONSTER, AND I GOT SICK OF IT, SO I SHOWED HER WHAT SHE THOUGHT I WAS. IF I CAN’T TELL HER I’M NOT WHAT SHE SEES, THEN I HAVE TO SHOW HER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I WAS WHAT SHE SEES SO SHE HAS A PHYSICAL REPRESENTATION SHE CAN COMPARE AND CONTRAST.>

“Uhm, Anthony? I don’t believe she’s ever assumed you’re bad or evil. Much of her correspondence is meant to be enlightening or helpful, not hurtful. In fact...  each of the times you’ve confronted her, you’ve done so over an issue you’ve imagined she brought up, but which she didn’t. I know, I’ve been there and you’ve completely ignored me.”

<IT DOESN’T CONCERN YOU. MY QUARREL IS NOT WITH YOU AT ALL. YOU HONESTLY HAVE NOT ONCE THOUGHT OF YOUR SISTER SAYING I WAS BEING UNCONTROLLABLE? SHE ASKED ME, IN HER OFFICE, TO AVOID RESTARTING A CULT WHEN I HAD NO INTENTION OF DOING ANYTHING OF THE SORT. SHE KEEPS WARNING ME NOT TO DO THINGS AS IF I WOULD DO THEM IF I WASN’T TOLD NOT TO. THAT MAY NOT BE HER INTENTION, BUT IT IS WHAT I’M INTERPRETING FROM HER. AND UNLESS SHE CHANGES HER ‘METHODS’ OF KEEPING ME PACIFIED, THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR EITHER OF US.>

“Anthony, she hasn’t been doing that! You’ve been wildly misinterpreting her answers and requests! She’s been giving suggestions, because she has experience!” Luna stands again, looking angry. “Anthony, this is why you’re having problems. You’re interpreting her statements to make you be ‘in the right’ even when you’re not. She told you about the cult so you knew. She warned you about power being uncontrollable if you aren’t careful! I should know, she gave me the same speech! How much of these conversations can you recall perfectly?”

<LUNA, I DON’T WANT TO ARGUE WITH THIS. I’M AWARE THAT HER INTENTS MAY NOT BE THE SAME AS WHAT I HEAR FROM HER, BUT THAT DOES NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT I’M HEARING FROM HER WHAT I THINK I AM. I’M NOT A MINDLESS MACHINE, I HAVE OPINIONS AND EMOTIONS LUNA, PERSONAL INTENT IS NEVER A FACTOR WHEN SAYING SOMETHING TO SOMEONE UNLESS IT IS DIRECTLY STATED, WHICH YOUR SISTER FAILS TO DO.>

“And with how many beings has she been able to speak freely in the last decade? The last century? Very few. I am of the personal belief she does not truly remember how. And you always demonizing her for doing her best is exactly what you’re accusing her of doing to you. Perhaps avoiding hypocrisy should be high on your list of objectives, yes?”

I sigh. <I DON’T WANT TO BE MAD AT YOU, BUT IF YOU KEEP INSULTING ME LIKE THIS, I WILL PROBABLY DO SOMETHING I WILL REGRET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.>

“Insulting? You think I am seeking to insult you? By telling you the truth, and hoping you will open your eyes? I am sorry, Anthony, but that is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard in my many millennia of life.”

<YOU... ARE DOING WHAT YOUR SISTER HAS BEEN DOING. WHEN YOU TELL ME I AM IN THE WRONG AND THAT I’VE SIMPLY BEEN GETTING ANGRY JUST TO MAKE MYSELF SEEM BETTER THAN HER, YOU ARE INSULTING ME BY HORRENDOUSLY MISREADING MY INTENT. I’M TRYING TO BE CIVIL, BUT IT SEEMS THERE’S A RIFT WE CAN’T SEEM TO PATCH HERE. OUR EXPERIENCES AND ENTIRE CULTURES WORK ON SUCH DIFFERENT LEVELS, I’M NOT SURE THIS WILL END WITH EVERYONE HAPPY. I SEE THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION IS TO JUST HAVE US FORGET THE OTHER EXISTS, AND MOVE ON TO OTHER MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.>

“Like what, Anthony? You seem to think that miscommunication is solely in the domain of humanity, so I suppose I cannot contest that without you getting angry. As for everyone being happy... that is the most important thing, and you seem to refuse to share it with anyone else. Others being happy does not seem to move you, and you never seem to make others happy when you are. Maybe that is just from you being human, but it resembles perfectly a very major mental and social retardation in ponykind.” Luna sighs tiredly. “You’re constantly telling us to treat you better, but when we do, you scream and rant and act like a spoiled child because our best was not what you wanted. And you never explain. Only admonish us and tell us we’re wrong without telling us how or why.”

<I DO EXPLAIN THOUGH. I EXPLAIN THE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH YOUR SISTER MANY TIMES, UNLESS YOU WEREN’T THERE TO HEAR MY PROTESTATIONS, NOT TO MENTION MY LATEST ONE.>

“But you do not. You stand there and yell that there was a problem, that the problem was bad, and you say that it is bad because you are human and not a pony, and that is it. You do not give us any context, only the conclusion. You keep expecting us to think and reason in the same lines as a human, but it is you who also forgets that we are ponies. We are not the same. The careful observation of your abilities is in case an outside force takes control of you or steals your powers, not to take away your own life!”

<AND AGAIN, THERE’S THE FAILURE TO EXPLAIN INTENT. ALL I READ WAS HOW TO STOP ME, NOT SOME OUTSIDE FORCE CONTROLLING ME, BUT TO STOP ME IF I EVER BECAME A PROBLEM, BOTTOM LINE. THAT’S ALL I SAW, AND I CONSIDER THAT AN ATTACK ON MY INTEGRITY.>

“Why would you consider that an attack? It was a precaution, a defense. Why do you act as though we would try to kill you?”

<I THOUGHT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND BETTER LUNA, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE CRIMINALIZED, TO BE HATED OR FEARED JUST BECAUSE OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN EVEN THOUGH YOU WOULD DO NO SUCH THING. YOUR SISTER IMPLIES I COULD LOSE CONTROL AND FOR THAT I NEED TO BE TOLD REPEATEDLY TO STAY IN CONTROL, WHEN IT’S CLEAR THAT I AM. THE ONLY REASON I WOULDN’T BE IN CONTROL THEN WOULD BE IF SOME OUTSIDE FORCE, OR INSIDE FORCE, AFFECTED ME SO MUCH THAT I WAS UNABLE TO HEED SUCH ADVICE ANYWAY. LIKE TREATING ME LIKE A POTENTIAL THREAT UNTIL I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. YOU REACT WITH SADNESS WHEN PEOPLE REFER TO YOU AS THE NIGHTMARE, I REACT WITH ANGER BECAUSE I TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I WANT THE DEMONIZING OF MYSELF TO STOP AND THAT REQUIRES ACTION. I NEVER STRIVE TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BECAUSE IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, IN MY LIFE BEFORE COMING HERE, THAT WAS RARELY AN OPTION, AND AS SUCH, WAS A NOT A GOOD GOAL TO STRIVE FOR.>

“There! Right there, you simply stated that this is a problem, and that it is bad, and then you did not explain why!” Luna jabs me in the chest with a hoof, pushing me back a little. “So tell me now, without beating a dead bush, why you consider precautions an attack. Nothing else. Just that!”

<I CONSIDER YOUR PRECAUTIONS AN ATTACK BECAUSE YOU TELL ME I NEED TO BE IN CONTROL OF MYSELF, IMPLYING THAT I’M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW I’M THE MOST DANGEROUS THING AROUND. YOU THINK I TOOK IT LIGHTLY WHEN LYRA TOLD ME I COULD BLOW UP AND KILL EVERYONE AROUND ME? I KNOW I’M A TERRIBLE DANGER, AND CONSISTENTLY REMINDING ME OF THAT DOES NOT HELP. WANT AN EXAMPLE? THAT WOULD BE LIKE EVERY MORNING YOUR SISTER WALKING INTO YOUR ROOM TO REMIND YOU THAT NIGHTMARE MOON WAS BAD AND YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT. SEEMS POINTLESS SINCE YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY, DOESN’T IT? BUT SHE DOES IT ANYWAY.>

“Pfah, I have no need of my sister reminding me. My reflection taunting me does that well enough. As well, I do have many reminders to keep my power in check. Do you not think that Alicorns, the embodiments of the three tribes, must keep their strength in check? There are the shattered remains of what must be half a million teapots from Celestia learning to control her simple magics. There are many craters on this moon from me learning to control my weather magic. Celestia and I are dangerous to be around, and it took us centuries to consider ourselves safe to be around ponies, and you’ve had your powers for only a paltry two years. Of course you will be reminded constantly. Be glad you weren’t assigned a family of trainers to put you through your paces every day and night for the next two-hundred years.”

<I FEEL I DON’T NEED TO BECAUSE I’M AWARE OF WHAT MY POWER COULD DO. WE ALL AGREE THAT POWER IS DANGEROUS, AND YOUR SISTER STILL THINKS I NEED MULTIPLE REMINDERS OF THAT ANYWAY. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DANGEROUS AND YOU ARE STILL TRYING YOUR BEST, NOW IMAGINE SOMEONE MORE POWERFUL AND SMARTER THAN YOU, SOMEONE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO RESPECT, KEEPS TELLING YOU HOW DANGEROUS YOU ARE WHEN SHE COULD JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE AND CHANGE NOTHING, AND YET SHE PERSISTS ANYWAYS. WOULD THAT NOT AFFECT YOU? WOULD YOU SHRUG IT OFF, AGREE YOU ARE A THREAT AND LIE DOWN? FINE, THAT'S YOUR RESPONSE. WELL, I’M IN THAT POSITION, AND I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT STOP, RATHER THAN WAITING FOR HER TO TIRE OF IT. YOU SAY I WANT TO BE TREATED BETTER. I DO. I WANT TO BE TREATED EQUALLY AND THAT REQUIRES ME BEING TREATED BETTER THAN I AM NOW. I BELIEVE EVERYONE SHOULD BE TREATED EQUALLY, AND THE ONLY REASON THEY SHOULDN’T IS IF THEY DON’T DESERVE TO. YOUR SISTER, SINCE I HAVE ARRIVED HERE, HAS BEEN TELLING ME I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED EQUALLY, WHETHER SHE INTENDED TO OR NOT. EVENTUALLY, I COULDN’T TAKE IT.>

Luna is silent for several moments, only the faintest of winds stirring the surface of the moon.

“You... you think of her like a mother, don’t you?”

<I SUPPOSE SO. I SHOULD LIKE YOU TWO AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH YOU BECAUSE IF WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE, THAT I WILL LIVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME, YOU TWO WILL BE SOME OF THE FEW PEOPLE I’LL STILL HAVE. THIS IS NOTHING NEW. BACK ON EARTH, BEFORE ALL THIS... EVERY TIME I MOVED HOUSES, CHANGED SCHOOLS, ANY SCENE BECAME DIFFERENT, DURING THE TRANSITION I LOST FRIENDS. I LOST THOSE I TRUSTED AND LOVED. THE ONLY PERSON SO FAR WHO HAS NOT EVER LEFT ME SINCE I MET HIM WAS CLARK. SOMEHOW, FATE LET ME GO UP A GRADE, GO TO ANOTHER SCHOOL, AND STILL KEEP HIM. WHEN THINGS CHANGE, I LOSE EVERYTHING BUT JUST A FEW. AND NOW THAT I’M HERE, I’VE LOST EVERYTHING BUT ONE PERSON. ONLY ONE CONSTANT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE TO THIS POINT THAT I HAD TO WAIT OVER TEN YEARS TO FIND. IF I DON’T FIND OUT SOME WAY TO LIVE WITH YOU TWO, AND YOU ARE ALL I’LL HAVE... I’D PROBABLY KILL MYSELF.>

“That would be terrible. I would hate to find I was the reason a friend did not remain alive, for any reason.” Luna steps forward, motioning for a hug. I accept, as she starts talking again. “I know you’re afraid of losing what matters to you. I doubt you’d be as stable as you are if you didn’t. But at least you know that you do have someone right now. If... if you do live your full life, then I hope you’ll find others as you go. As for now, well... at least you hang under with your friend, Clark, until he leaves.”

<YEAH... I WANNA GO HOME.>

“To... Earth? Or Ponyville?”

<I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE...>

“I shall do what I am able, Anthony. I shall do what I am able.”

In a flash, we’re on our way back.

Beyond the Horizon

The light fading, I sort of descend to the ground, which I’m hovering over by... maybe a meter? Half? Whatever, it’s not a long or fast drop. I also take notice of something else. Ponyville looks totally fine as if I hadn’t gone on a rampage and was smashing buildings left and right.

The flash of light seems to have attracted attention, the first pony to notice my ‘return’ just so happens to be Rainbow Dash. Looking around to confirm my next statement, Ponyville is still just as normal as it was a few moments ago. “You rebuilt. Pretty fast.”

“Well, we’ve gotten used to rebuilding. Last week, the city hall got finished up, and that was the last one to get fixed. I helped out.”

“Last week?” I couldn’t have been gone more than three days, and my outburst was during the middle of the first day.

“Yeah, not sure where you been for the last month, but plenty of ponies have been worried about you. Not me, though, I know you’re too tough to just vaporize or whatever Twilight was theory-ing.”

“Nah, I got called to have a chat with the big guys upstairs.” I jab my thumb at the sky.

Rainbow looks at me like I’ve got lobsters crawling out of my ears. “Uhhh... what?”

“The constellations. You know, the ones who are stars but not ponies or humans? From what I can tell, they pretty much run everything, or at least that’s what I gathered from their ‘almighty overwatchers’ mumbo-jumbo.” I pause. “So a month huh? What’s been happening while I’ve been gone? Start from after I smashed half the town.”

“Wait wait wait, those old tales about the stars actually granting your wishes and stuff?”

I sigh. Guess bringing me up to date will have to wait a bit. “Yeah, but they’re picky and moody. I can’t grant wishes, or if I can they didn’t tell me how, and when I asked them to do something about the demons coming through they just laughed at me.”

“Wow... they sound like jerks.”

“Power, man. Give someone power and they end up a total prick. Canterlot for example. You have a position that means something, you get be an asshole and nothing anyone can do about it. Jus’ the way it goes I guess. That said they did teach me something.”

“Huh... yeah, that makes sense. At the very least, it explains you.” Rainbow Dash says, smirking.

“Hey, I have power and brains. Besides, I’m unstable not a megalomaniac.”

“Yeah, whatever. Anyways, I bet you wanna go chat with the others! Oh, and Clark’s got this nifty thing he does now. It’s so awesome!”

“Eh, bet I can top it. Anyway, sure. But seriously, what’s been happening for the last month?”

“Oh, yeah. Well, first, Pinkie baked this cake that was, like, the size of a house! We ended up having to eat it all...”

“... and then they had to get the chickens out of the tree with a butterfly net!” Rainbow Dash finishes her story as we approach the library. It was so funny, I hope I never forget any of the details.

“So why is it that when I’m around the most exciting things that happen is there’s sometimes a monster to fight, but when I’m not around you do crazy stuff like save entire kingdoms or stuff like that?”

“Idunno, maybe you’re just a boring-magnet.” Dash says with a shrug as she opens the door, stepping through. “Anyways, that was just the first week. You’ve been gone for, like, a month and a half!”

“Five weeks, two days.” Spike corrects, walking by. “Hey Anthony, where’ve you been?”

“Up in space, talking with the Constellations. It was... not as interesting as you’d expect.”

“Well, yeah, if that one Gladius mare was there, no wonder it wasn’t as great. Oh, your room’s been cleaned, by the way.”

I sigh. “So now I won’t know where anything is until I open everything. Thanks pal, you’re a real bro.”

“Hey, I was just trying to get rid of that smell that was creeping from under your bed. There was an abandoned muffin under there that Twilight confiscated for a potential first-contact scenario. And I wish I was joking.”

“Let’s not talk about Twilight. Anyway, I hear Clark has some new power. I do too, and I bet mine is more impressive. Jerks or not, the constellations taught me something real neat.”

“Nice! Clark does this thing, where he makes, like, a cool sword and a shield and it’s all bwee-worrrr!” He starts making slashing motions, as if carrying a sword and making sound effects, though sometimes he makes it sound like it’s a lightsaber, other times made of metal. I can’t help but chuckle. After a moment, he stops, panting. “Oh, and a bunch of changelings invaded. Sorta.”

“What!? Changelings invaded... When was this!? What hive!?” I grab Spike and hold him up. “What did they do!?”

“Jeez, man, they just helped rebuild! It’s the changelings from the Everfree.” Spike says, flailing a bit from the sudden change in altitude.

I set Spike down, calming myself. “But you said... okay, so they helped fix the town. And uh, how did that go? Socially I mean.”

“Oh, pretty well, actually. Well, once the flower sisters stopped screaming, anyways, it was hurting everyone’s ears.” He gives his ears a pained rub in remembrance. “After that, and once their queen stopped stuttering so much, they explained they were here to help. A bunch of the town buildings are now made with this weird stuff Twilight called ‘bio-chemical-resin’. Idunno what that actually means, but it’s-”

“Dunno how they make it, but it’s changeling goop.” I clarify. “Until they give me an official name for it, that’s what I’m calling it because that’s what it is. Wouldn’t think of it as building material, but I guess it could work like industrial glue.”

“Uh, not quite... Twilight knows more about it, but they kinda built it up, and stuff? I don’t really know, I just tried to stay out of the way or help Rarity.”

I nod. “So... Ponyville’s cool with the changelings now? No racial stigma preventing any social progress?”

“Sorta? There’s still some who won’t have anything to do with them, and Twilight gets all twitchy around them, but I don’t see any problems with them. They seem alright, even if most of them kinda act like zombies half the time. Y’know, just walking around and doing whatever they’re told?”

“Not like zombies, like ants. Small difference, but an important one. When Chrysalis was around, those were like zombies. These at least talk and stuff. I got a chance to get to know a few when they were off-duty. When there’s nothing going on, they’re pretty chill.”

“Huh, cool. Anyways, I have chores to get done, I’ll talk to you later. Oh, and the Crusaders were looking for you, when you can.” Spike wanders off to the kitchen, probably to get a broom or something. I turn to talk to Dash again, but she’s not there.

Suddenly I’m on my back with something on top of me. Clearing the white floaties from my eyes as my head tells me that I landed on it and my back rather hard, I notice a pair of Pinkies sitting on top of me.

I thought the clones were all gone- as my head clears and the two Pinkies turn back into one, my double-vision fading, I relax.

“Hi.” I say, breathily, realizing that I have a pony sitting on my lungs. “Move, please?”

“Oop! Sorry.” She slides off and turns it into a laying-down hug. “Anyways, surprise! I’m throwing you a party now, and you can’t stop me.”

“Like I’d try? Anyway, it seems I’ve been gone for a few weeks, but it feels like just a day or two to me. Time just seems to go slower in space I guess. Rainbow gave me a quick rundown of what’s been happening. I hear changeling/pony relations are starting up around here as well.”

“Huh?” Dash says, looking up from a bowl of chips she was muzzle-deep in a moment ago. Looking around, I see that basically all the ponies I actually know and that live here in ponyville have shown up at the party.

Party? I realize that in the time I was knocked down and dazed, Pinkie had shot the library with her Party Cannon about six times or something, and ponies were already starting to show up. How the hell does she dothat!?

“Well, anyway, yeah. The changelings helped fix up the town after I wrecked it, and now ponies are getting along with the changelings aside from a few neophobes. That’s what I’ve gathered so far.” I think about that for a moment. “Any changelings walking around town, sans disguises yet?”

“Only the ones that have to be told to put one on,” Pinkie says, “they don’t really seem to notice anything unless they’re told to, and they keep walking into things. Well, some things, anyways. Like, this one was flying along and hit a lamppost and it made this noise like DONNNNNG! and then it fell on the ground and I rushed over to make sure it was alright, and then it got up and started flying at it again so I just watched and it was actually pretty funny.”

Wellllll then. “But there’s no real issues with changelings? They’re not run out of town or anything? They’re just kinda left to do whatever they do?”

“Yeah, right now. Most of them left, though, once they were done. But a few stayed to help, and to get any of the not-so-smart ones back to their home.”

“Alright. Anyway, there’s a party for me going on, probably should spend a bit of time enjoying it.”

“You aren’t enjoying it now?” Pinkie asks, while sitting partially on my chest, like a cat. I will freely admit, she is rather soft and fluffy. And warm.

“Well, I’m not dancing or eating, or doing anything with the party guests... but I suppose I am still enjoying it.” Pinkie smiles and snuggles in, the two of us just laying on the wood floor for a while. “So, how’ve you been while I was talking with the stars?”

“I’ve been pretty good.”

“Yeah. I hear a lot of people have been missing me. I really don’t feel like it’s been a month. I mean I’m taking your word for it, I believe you, but it really doesn’t feel that long. But I guess I have solid proof that it did happen.” I hold out the ‘new’ Lyre I was given. It’s not gold, rather a shade of bronze or brass that doesn’t look as fancy, but I like it better. “I haven’t gotten a chance to try this out since I gave back the real one. How about a song?”

“Ooh! It looks different, though...” Pinkie narrows her eyes at the instrument. “Did you get your harp a haircut?”

“No, I didn’t. I gave back the real one for this one. Supposedly it plays music just the same, but it doesn’t do any of that world-destroying stuff Twilight was freaking out about.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie! C’mon, let’s get you to the stage!” Pinkie then wriggles under me and stands up, lifting me and pronking to the stage. It’s a bit like getting a roller-coaster ride at lower speed. Also... since when does the library have a stage? I don’t know what to think except... Damn, Pinkie is good.

However, I’m rather disappointed when I’m simply deposited on a ‘stage’ made of the main library table and a large cloth pinned in place on it.

Eh, whatever. I lift up my new harp and start tapping it on it’s side, producing the sound of two drumsticks being clapped together repeatedly, signifying that yes, this will work just fine. Then the actual drums start with an electric guitar.

Everyone seems to enjoy the song, and I notice that this time my arms aren’t all starry. Guess it had something to do with the other one. Oh well, not losing anything from it. And while not many really seem to know what ‘vertigo’ really is, they’re all cheering along with three Pinkie Pies in the front row looking very enthralled.

Oh-kay, there are only a few reasons this could be. I give a bow and make my way off the table, and when I step onto the floor the trio of Pinkies jump up and latch onto me in a ‘hug-like’ fashion. Doing my best at keeping my balance with the sudden addition of unevenly distributed mass, I walk down to the basement/laboratory area which is not crowded with ponies. It takes a bit of prying, but I manage to pull all of the Pinkies off.

“Alright, might as well ask now rather than finding out later. Changelings, clones, or some sort of accident?”

One of them says ‘Clone!’, another shouts ‘Accident!’ and the the third says ‘Changeling.’

“Oh for fuck’s sake... What happened?”

The changeling discards its disguise. “I just wanted a quick fill-up, and these two are overflowing.” The bug-pony begins to leave the basement.

“Woah, hold on pal. That’s cool and all, but if you’re trying to be in disguise, pick someone who isn’t already present alright? It can freak people out, ‘kay?”

“Well, there’s already, like, four of them running around. And besides, everyone loves Pinkie Pie.” The changeling retorts, before recreating the Pinkie disguise and stepping out of the lab.

“Okay, that’s true- four!?” I turn back to the other two. “One said clone another said accident... Just give me the whole story, alright?”

In unison, the two immediately explain, perfectly in sync, creeping me out on a level I usually equate with me coming off of pain medication. “Well, daddy Pie used to say we were a ‘happy accident’, and none of us knows who’s the original Pinkie Pie, so they’re both applicable answers!”

...Wow, that is probably the most depressing thing one could say with full enthusiasm. “Uh... huh. So there are three Pinkie’s running around, but they aren’t... y’know, stupid?”

“Well, four of us. Twilight said, based on our memories from a quick scanning spell that I mirrored myself once, then both of me mirrored ourselves again, and the four of we are all that’s left because we don’t have any matching gaps in our memories or internal organs!” both Pinkies say simultaneously.

“So... all those clones, the massive swarm... didn’t just come from one of you, you just duplicated and made duplicates from each batch just multiplying like crazy? Then if there are four perfectly ‘complete’ Pinkies, how come most of them were so ‘simple’?”

“Well... Twilight said something about tiered memories and how quantum defragmentation results in an exponentially decaying system. But what Spike explained for me afterwards is that basically, each batch of clones was dumber than the previous by a bigger amount than the one before it was to the one before that.”

“So... why didn’t you just stop at five or so? Why make a huge mass of them?”

“Well... using the Pond is really fun... and it makes you feel really giddy when you’re coming back out, and it’s a little hard to think for a couple moments as you come back out, and I may have lost count a few... dozen... times.”

Oh geez... “But you’re done with this... pond, thing. Right? You aren’t gonna...”

“Well, Twilight closed it off. Until something comes up that makes us separate to the point where it’s obvious who’s a clone, then something can be done, so long as it’s not too far into the future. Something about ethical treatment of near-equine constructs.”

“Oh so now she takes into account what I’ve been saying, after she went and popped a bunch of fakes thinking it was just fine? I mean the stupid clones sure but... When I questioned her standing on this, she just... Arrgh!”

The twin Pinkies lean forward and wrap me in a double hug, and I feel some of my anger melt away. Not all, but some.

“I just don’t know what to do with her sometimes. She’s smart, but there’s a lot of times when she acts like such a child. She doesn’t have the world experience I do, so she just kinda fudges a few details and everything works out anyway. But you can’t fudge certain details, and it seems impossible to get her to tell the difference.”

“I don’t think she ever got a real foalhood, Anthony. I mean, she has a brother, and she has parents, but... she’s told me when she got into Celestia’s academy. It’s a university, you know? And she started it when she was eight.”

“So rich parents, best education money can buy, and no real time to explore the ‘outside’. Yeah, I get it. I didn’t really have much of a childhood either. Frankly all my cynicism and pessimism about the world being awful... is from having my life be forced to flip around with no control. I never tried to live an exciting or dangerous life... but it found me. That’s why I keep saying it’s unavoidable. For me, it was. I just... had to deal with whatever crap life threw at me and learn that way. It sucked, but... I guess I understand things not a lot of others would... I’ve had other experiences. Forced to grow up too fast.” I go to sit down and lean back, and accidentally jostle a bottle from the table. Where it hits my skin, it begins to steam and sizzle, and I quickly tear off my shirt to get the liquid away from me.

“The hell is that!? What’s Twi doing down here?”

“Uhm...” One of the Pinkies leans in. “The label says ‘hexa-chloro-flouro-carbo-nitrous acid. Idunno what that is.”

“I’m not sure exactly either, but it has more than five syllables and ends with ‘acid’ so I’m just going to assume it shouldn’t be just laying around.”

“Idunno. Probably not. Your shirt’s stopped smoking, but there’s not a lot left of it.” one Pinkie points out, and I feel a slight breeze go through the large room. As I shiver, the Pinkies draw close, warming me slightly by snuggling.

Point in favor of fur. It’s awesome, especially if you don’t have any yourself. “So where are the other two then? I’d expect any ‘normal’ Pinkie to show up at a party. Do we find them and... deal with them?”

“Well, las-”

Suddenly, the door to the lab busts open, and Rainbow Dash, wearing a lampshade, leans in. "Hey, guys, you gotta see this! Pinkie and Pinkie are doing karaoke, and there's a chorus of Changelings making the mu-" She stops and stares down. “Oh, sorry man. Didn’t mean to interrupt.” She then closes the door.

What was- I look down, and realize I’m shirtless, with two Pinkies draped over my chest, and we’re laying on the floor.

What is with Dash? Does she just perpetually have her head in the gutter or something? She should know by now that the remaining Pinkies aren’t after my nethers? Seriously, these two seem to remember the top of the mountain. Either way though... “Yeah, okay, so they are here. So now that I’ve gotten my answer, we don’t have to stay down here.”

“Oh... okay, Anthony. Ooh, you wanna join the karaoke? No using the magic harp, though, that’s cheating!” One chides me, while I scoop up the other. After a moment, I’m able to get both of them up. They will make suitable replacements for my shirt until I can get an actual shirt.

Chapter 182

Striding into the main part of the library with a Pinkie on each shoulder, like a pair of nordic shoulderpads, and step up to the ‘stage’. There’s several ponies looking at us funny, but most are just giving me odd, cryptic smiles.

“Well, I’ve been convinced that I should sing without any magical aids... I guess you asked for it, last warning though.” One of the Pinkies nudges me in the side in a ‘go on’ gesture. “Alright then...”

“I warned you all!” I yell, sitting on the doorstep outside the library. My singing wasn’t that bad... well, no, it was. It was that bad, and that’s why I normally don’t sing. But still... “I warned you three times! I’m not the one at fault here, you got what you wanted! ...kinda”

I hear the door open, and turn to see who it is. Reflexively, I feel my jaw clench as Twilight steps outside, looking bright and happy. “Hey, Anthony, it’s alright. I can’t dance; we’ve all got something we’re not so good at.”

“Some have more shortcomings than others, whether they realize it or not.” I reply, coldly. “Can’t be helped, they’re just too stupid to realize it.”

“Yeah, like Fluttershy when she’s startled by a light breeze. Though I wouldn’t call it stupid. Paranoid maybe-”

“Way too stupid to realize it. So when were you going to tell me that I was right and that there was a point when you wouldn’t just zap a clone hoping it wasn’t Pinkie? Why do you act so careless-”

“Because any of the clones incapable of sitting still, or too unstable to actually maintain a semblance of realistic proportions-” We both take a moment to shudder of the mental image of the hellspawn one of the clones temporarily turned into, “-then I could safely eliminate any chance of them being either the real Pinkie or even a close enough approximate so as to be a living pony on their own. And... I didn’t actually get rid of them all. Several just sort of... dissolved on their own.”

“My problem was that during our little talk about clone ethics, you seemed like you didn’t give a crap and were trying to justify obliterating clones in general, close approximation to the original or not, implying you wouldn’t even try to think if one of the clones was actually Pinkie. What I heard you say over and over was ‘please understand, I know you don’t see it the same way, but let me kill these things and hope I get this right and don’t murder someone we care about’. That’s what I heard Twilight, and you don’t seem to get that.”

“I’m sorry, Anthony. I’m not very good at explaining while stressed, and I thought I was doing an adequate job.”

I sigh. “As long as you know you fucked up-”

“Well, you’re also really terrible at listening while under pressure. I mean, I explained they aren’t real ponies, and I collected empirical evidence supporting this during the removal process.”

Goddamnit. “So your little science thing covers ethics entirely? Great, then when were you going to tell me about that book on me? Seriously Twilight, not cool at all.”

“Anthony, I was taking notes about you the entire time! It’s not my fault you didn’t pay attention to any of that. You’re just overreacting.”

“I’m overreacting? I’m overreacting to the discovery that someone was specifically explaining how to take me down in a fight so anyone with that book could find me and kill me, whether I was possessed or not!?  You created a physical object that allowed one to murder me! And I’m overreacting because I never thought you would make something like that!?”

“What? I didn’t make something to murder you, it was to help in case anything steals your powers, or takes over your mind! I mean, you spend a great deal of time with Discord, who took the time to turn every one of my friends into the full embodiment of the opposite of their best traits! And that’s when he was winning the bet!”

I seriously consider slapping her across the face again. “And you don’t stop to think why he did it? You were trying to stop him. No, worse. You were trying to lock him up in stone after he just got out after several lifetimes, he was trying to preserve himself by preventing you from retaliating! Name one time Discord directly hurt any of you. Not disappointed you or antagonized you, hurt anyone! Name it!”

Twilight opens her mouth but pauses. “Uh... I got trampled by some altered bunnies that Discord made...”

“And he distinctly told those rabbits to trample you? Even though he was winning, he went out of his way to punish you further?”

“Well...”

“Your problem is you don’t think things through. You never look at the big picture! That book you wrote detailed how to shut me down, that you can’t deny. It offered insight to allow a reader, any reader, to defeat me in combat with no way to win. What if a demon got it and was smart enough to read? I’d be killed with no way of stopping it because it knew exactly how to kill me. Then what? What happens then? You give copies to Celestia, someone who has already attempted to kill me once, and now she’d know how to finish me for good if she felt like it! I trusted you Twilight... but you never mentioned this book to me, so I couldn’t know it would exist, ensuring that anyone with the book would know more about me than I know about myself. You’ve lied to me and betrayed me. I’m sorry, but if this is how you treat people who you want to be friends with, go back to Canterlot with the other self-serving pricks!”

“The book wasn’t finished yet!” Twilight protests.

“Wait, what book?” I turn and see Rainbow Dash and AJ have stepped out of the library. A moment later, Fluttershy, Spike, and Rarity come out.

“A book she wrote about me, detailing my powers, how they worked, and numerous weakpoints. Therefore, in the event someone read it, they’d know exactly how to kill me for good. You know, just in case I become evil, or I’m mind-controlled, or Celestia wants me gone for whatever reason. Celestia, who Twilight clearly would be sharing the findings with before me who it matters most to considering I’m the main subject and the one who’d suffer from the consequences. Finishing the book or not wouldn’t change what could be learned from what’s already there, unless ‘finishing it’ involved destroying it. Twilight Sparkle? Destroying a book? Like that will ever happen! If you’re gonna keep watching me and trying to find out new ways to kill me ‘just in case’, then you can just leave. You don’t care about ethics, you don’t care about me, you don’t think about the feelings of the people you call your friends... You’re just a lying traitor trying to appease your precious Celestia, and I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”

I walk off, my message sent in words that finally managed to drill their way into her head. As I’m walking away, I hear her start to cry, but otherwise there’s nothing but stunned silence.

I stop to address the onlookers, including Spike and the other Element Bearers, though I don’t turn around to face them. “It wasn’t intentional, I know that, but accident or not, the damage is done and it can’t be overlooked. She didn’t see what she was doing from anyone’s perspective than her own, and that’s what started all this. I’m out of here.”

I continue walking further from the library. You screwed up too many times Twilight. Nothing you can do but realize you did. That’s the way life works. Always been that way, always will.

Chapter 183

I continue on my way to... wherever I’m going. There’s really not much more to say to anyone. Everyone will probably hate my guts for blowing up at Twilight like that, but she sure wasn’t going to learn any lessons by herself. I don’t regret what I said, but I wish I didn’t have to say them.

After some time, I see Clark half asleep under a tree in the park. “Hey. I hear you got a new trick. I got one too. Bad news though, our ‘big brothers’ as far as our star cores are concerned are the stereotypical super mystical, allergic to straightforward detail type of guys. Took a while to actually get anything out of them.”

“Really? Huh. Bet if you spent twenty years saying ‘ohm’ at them you’d get something. Probably kicked out, but... still. So, how’s your sabbatical been?” Clark sits up, rubbing his eyes, the eye on his demon hand watching around instead as he does.

“Sort of boring, sort of educational. They aren’t all the same, but they all have their own weird... thing, which makes them not the best company. Apparently, Lyra was guessing and no, we won’t risk blowing everything to kingdom come when we use our powers. That said, they made me give her Lyre back anyway. Got this one in return. Apparently letting you have the real one for a couple minutes was a big no-no.”

“Well, you did say you signed a contract. Wish you’d told me before you’d lent it to me. Contracts are serious business, Anthony.”

“Still, they are certainly the kind to talk of themselves as being super important, but don’t actually do anything. Told the others that when I asked them for help with the demons, they laughed it off, saying they couldn’t and stuff. So when the almighty granters of wishes can’t do jack, what do we do?” I hope that, as usual, Clark had a crazy, but useful, plan. He always has plans. Always!

“Idunno, but my super-hero team idea is looking better and better. At least, I think so. Oh, hey, you said you have a new power? I can show you mine, if you’d like, so we can compare the effectiveness.”

I enter my Spark Form, as I need it readily available so I can focus on what I need to do. “Alright, you can do yours, I’m still figuring out how to do this quickly.” I return my focus to the star core in my chest. I try to do something, I don’t really get it myself, but it’s like I’m kind of letting it have... more control or something. I feel it expand and it fills me with much more power than my other forms. I feel a bit of resistance when the Core hits the ‘edges’ of my insides, and with a short yell of not-quite-pain, the glow bursts forth into the familiar nimbus of energy. “Alright.” I turn to Clark. “Let’s see what you got.”

“Alright,” Clark says, “But I’ll need a little room. This tends to scorch things a lot.” He steps away from the tree he’d been leaning on, and activates his own Spark, the oily look to his sheen setting me on edge as usual. After a moment, his eyes seem to come alight with white flames, an unhealthy-looking smoke pouring off their tops, and his demon arm’s vents pour out four long ‘ribbons’ of what looks like pure light. The ribbons spiral around him like a Magical Girl transformation sequence, until they take root in the wrist of his left hand. From there, a series of little white hexagons, somewhat translucent and pouring out light of their own, form into a sort of circular shape, and a broadsword of pure ionized plasma cascades into being, crackling in his right hand giving off enough light to make it almost painfully bright. A moment of looking later, I realize that the ‘ribbons’ of plasma are still coming from the vents on the demon arm, but two have split in half and are feeding into the sword.

“Wow.” I pause, trying to think of what to say. “That’s something... you sure that’s safe, though? I mean, I get the feeling I could vaporize stone with this ring if I gave it enough thought... I’m not so sure if it was a long object it would be much safer to have on you.”

“What?”

“Well, can you drop it or something? I mean, if it can come unattached, who knows what would happen?”

“Oh, no no no. Here, watch this.” He cocks his arm back and makes a throwing motion, a helix of white energy ribbons trailing after the suddenly airborne blade. After a moment, he brings his arm back sharply and the blade flies back with an incredible amount of speed, before it simply slams into his chest and vanishes. A new blade, with ribbons, forms in his hand. “Can’t lose it, can’t drop it, and I can throw it faster and more accurately than anything made of metal I’ve ever tried throwing.” he thinks for a moment. “I named it Morning Star.”

I fold my arms. “It looks nothing like a mace or flail. Get your eyes check, the name’s taken already.”

“Fine then, Morgenstern. Means the same thing, but I was specifically thinking of Venus. It’s so bright and it’s visible right before dawn is visible, back on Earth, and was long thought to be the star that brought the dawn. The name of the weapon, a morningstar, was taken from the design of the head. Oh, and I can do this;” he flicks his hand, and the end of the ‘sword’ becomes a sphere, now resembling a mace. After a moment, he flicks again and transmutes it back to its original shape. “I can burn through rock, dirt, wood, steel, and even this material the ponies call Mithrium, which I think might be a predecessor to making true Mithril. Like, Tolkien-style Mithril.”

“Damn... speaking of Tolkien, according to their version of Dungeons and Dragons, they have deer, rather than elves. You know, skinny, tall woodfolk.”

“Yeah, there’s some in the far north, apparently, assuming the stories I read in the library are true. And half the talks of political treaties being brokered by the far north’s denizens between warring nations. Anyways, what’s your new trick?”

I quirk my head and gesture to my brighter-glowing form and the nimbus surrounding me. “Uh, this?”

“Oh... that’s, uhm... neat?” He shifts awkwardly in place.

“Hey, I’m still in the learning phase. No idea what I can do with this, I just know that it looks frikken awesome.”

“Well, you’ve got that, at least. Anyways, on a more general note, do you wanna just go wander into the Everfree with me at some point? I’ve been getting kinda restless lately, and I’ve found there’s some really delicious things in that forest. Big, dangerous things, but delicious none the less. Did you know there’s giant scorpions and spiders in there? Like, seven, eight feet tall giant? Not counting stingers, that is.”

“You must take a different path than I do, because I haven’t seen jack in there aside from the Changelings and a nutso zebra with a rhyming fetish.”

“Oh, well don’t take baths at all. They’re all either warded if they’re pony-made, or the trails big, unhuntable things use to get around easier. You won’t find anything of interest on those unless you’re super-unlucky. There’s these giant lizards that have armored bodies, kinda like an ankylosaur, but with six legs and they spit acid everywhere. And I really do mean everywhere, they apparently wash themselves with it, and they can’t exactly reach their own backs.”

I get an idea. “Hey, why not we look around and try to add some of that stuff to their Creature books? Ogres and Oubliettes -Dungeons and Dragons- doesn’t have much in the way of non food-based monsters. Apparently ponies aren’t creative enough to say ‘I’ll eat the monster’ or whatever.”

“Weird. Explains why what I thought was a D&D manual turned out to be a real bestiary, though. I guess ponies just want an escape from all the things trying to eat them all the time. That’s... apparently still a problem in some towns that don’t have super-human protectors and the Elements of Harmony, and both Princesses’ favor and constant visits, nor a strangely protective Chaos Spirit to watch over them... Man, this town may be a bit of a weirdness magnet, but just think how safe they are! So much strong magic looking after this place.”

“Yeah, a little too much if you ask me. Maybe some of that should be spread out to other places. Not that anyone should leave or anything but, y’know, Ponyville does still rely on a few imports, we don’t want it to be the only protected place around. Your super-hero team idea is feasible, but not easy. It’ll take a bit to set up and all. Keep in mind that they are still people. They’d need a place to stay, and I doubt many of them are able to live without food, and a place for them to safely develop their new powers. Once we have an actual plan and place set up for all of this, I say we should recruit as many as we can... it’s just going to take a lot more work than just finding volunteers.”

“Yeah. I’ve made a few requests of the Changeling queen nearby, and I think it’ll turn out alright. A simple exchange of goods, and they’re now making a nearby place for a local team to coordinate from.”

“Right, so we’re at least getting close to a plan... but what kind of goods could Ren use? Not much you could trade her that I can think of.”

“Oh... never you mind.” Clark says, a small, nebulous part of his cheeks turning into swirling fields of red under the harsh glow of his plasma sword.

“Hey, if you get her laid I ain’t complaining, but I’m not gonna be around to find out what kind of freaky mutant-baby she pops out.”

“Well, actually, she produces eggs, that metamorphose into nymphs, which-”

“I know, I’m just messing with you. Besides, given the physiology, I don’t see how a mammal and an insectoid could have a baby. Still, any kid that might get your face... Bound to be a mutant for sure.”

He shoots me a grin. “Blue eyes are a mutation in humans, after all. And trust me, at the very minimum, the external physiology is compatible, and at least parts of the internal, too.”

“Whatever. Hey, you wanna get a taste of what these ponies do for D&D?” I suddenly get an idea. “Or how about you play GM and we give them a taste of real fictional monsters?”

“Instead of D&D, I’ll do a home-brew thing. Gimme a day or two, and I’ll get the details scratched out, we can plan from there.” he says, smiling. “I love telling stories.”

“Pinkie has the tomes and the dice and stuff, if you need to know the local terms, I’d ask her. Supposedly she’s the best GM around. I think it’s time she played a game you make up.”

“Alright. First one, don’t expect anyone to survive. I’ll make it a little more brutal than normal on purpose.”

“Aw, living is for wimps. Bring on the falling rocks, you mad genius!”

“Oh, I have far worse than rocks for you.” He cackles maniacally and, still Sparked Up, disappears in a streak of incandescent light and heat. The strong smell of ozone pervades the air in his trail, and I can see the streak slowly fading from the air itself, like something from a cartoon.

Oh well. It’s been a while since I played a ‘hardcore’ game of D&D. This will be awesome.

Captain Anthony: The Game Master

Still hard to imagine I’ve been gone for a month, but the evidence to support it is there... I wonder what else has been going on. Luna said the kids were missing me, might as well go cheer ‘em up or whatever.

But where to find them? Given their antics they could be just about anywhere really. I decide I might as well wander around town listening for the sound of things breaking rather loudly. Not many indicators of their presence work quite as well as that one.

I’ve searched about half the town and still no loud crashing noises or anything. I’m wondering if they’ve all gone somewhere or something... Idunno.

Who knows, maybe they’ve gotten sick or something. I doubt anything contagious that one of them gets would take much time to get to the others. That clubhouse is so small and drafty... Eh, I’m not their parents or anything. After continued meandering, I decide to ask around.

The first few answers are laced with shock, and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m actually trying to get closer to whatever they’re doing, or because I’m the one asking. Not sure how much the ponies of this town trust me with children right now.

After a while, though, one of the mares tells me that last she saw, they were hanging out in or near the bowling alley. Apparently, it’s very popular with the foals.

I didn’t even know this place had a bowling alley. Huh... Nevertheless, after a bit of direction, I find the place and it’s quite obvious what with the large bowling ball sign on top and the door sandwiched between bowling pin statues... How do I keep missing landmarks like this?

Either way, though, I’m absolutely blown away when I get inside. Past the multiple bowling lanes, there’s a medium-sized arcade. Like, with the cabinets and such. Hot damn! I look around for a ‘House of the Dead’ machine but quickly realize that ‘shooting’ games aren’t exactly the pinnacle of pony entertainment. However, the cabinets are definitely more advanced than the Hearts and Hooves ones, probably because they don’t need to be away from a wall. I can see something that looks like Centipede, an Arkanoids style of game, something that looks like Pac-Man, and a table-setup for a Pong game. They all have shockingly better graphics than the ones I saw previously, too, with full colors and something like Mega Drive level graphics instead of Atari-style graphics.

Definitely the arcade setup used to fight off the rise of home consoles... but I don’t think they have those. They don’t have TVs for sure. Oh well, I’m still in my element here. Time to break some high scores...

There aren’t any shooting games, or anything with the corded peripherals like guns or steering wheels, but they definitely have bigger and fewer buttons and shorter, wider joysticks, clearly intended for hooves over fingers.

Doesn’t change anything. I find a cabinet for a game that resembles pac-man and begin. The only major differences is that instead of pixels, everything seems to be little circles, which I guess could be some sort of LEDs, and that ‘Pac-Man’ seems to be blue, and has eyes.

Nevertheless, the gameplay is the same for the most part. The ghost replacements are reduced to just three, but the maze is a bit more convoluted. Not a challenge, but certainly more time consuming to eat all the pellets. Everything also moves a bit faster than I’m used to.

After a while I eventually die, and enter my initials. Second top. Eh, not bad. Moving on I look around for something else to play. Hmmm... notable lack of driving or fighting games kind of narrows down the variety. After some time I find an ‘Asteroids’ clone and go for that. By the time I die, I actually managed to last twice as long as the last person to hit high score. I seem to have gathered a crowd in this time. I enter my initials again, bumping the last winner down to ‘2nd place’ in the rankings and a few of the kids are whispering amongst each other.

One kid taps me. “How’d you do that?”

I shrug. “Well, the point of the game is to shoot the rocks and avoid them to-”

“No, I mean... you beat Loosehoof’s score. Nopony has beaten Loosehoof’s score. At anything!”

“Sorry to burst his bubble, but from sheer amount of experience, I’m just better at video games than anyone I’ve met.”

More whispering. One kid tells me to stay here while another rushes off. Apparently they are going to get their ‘champion gamer’. Whatever, wasn’t here for this anyway. I pick the Crusaders out of the crowd of children. “Hey girls, how’ve ya been?”

“Anthony! You’re back!” Sweetie yells, and I feel a fuzzy orange missile impact my gut.

“Hey there, you’re certainly happy, Scootaloo.”

“I thought I- I mean we’d lost you!” She says, her voice kinda muffled by my stomach.

“I’m not going anywhere, and if I do, I’m gonna be coming back. Just remember that.” The other Crusaders huddle around me. Oh god why can’t I hold all these fillies?

After a bit more of the Crusaders being glad I didn’t leave or die or whatever, and general hero-worship from the other kids I decide I’m done for the day. The high-pitched voices are getting a little much. But before I get up I see an older-looking colt, like a pre-teen or something. He’s being backed by a group of colts and fillies.

“Hey there.” I say, assuming this is Loosehoof.

“You think you’re good at games?”

“Good? I’ve been playing video games since you were crapping your diaper, kid.” This gets a chorus of naughty laughter and shocked gasps from the kids.

“Well if you think that score was hard to beat, you got another thing coming. You got lucky for one round, but I can still beat you on any machine here.”

“Yeah, except for the one I’m sitting at, second-placer.” He’s gonna talk smack, I’m talking back.

Apparently this doesn’t phase him or his followers. One little filly walks up to him, practically swooning. “Will you be my very-special-somepony!?”

Loosehoof quirks an eyebrow. “You’re only ten.”

“Omigosh, he knows how old I am! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” The filly faints and Loosehoof just ignores it, as if this was a regular occurrence.

He pulls out a large case, and sets it on the table. It's a little beat up around the corners, but it opens smoothly, revealing... a nintendo controller attached to a hoof-sock. "I use the PowerHoof™. It's so bad." He stops for a moment. "Like, really bad. I've had to basically handicap myself to bring me to a point where I actually lose games."

Oh god, the Power Glove? Oh... oh man, I have to laugh. “You’re definitely handicapped if you think that thing’s is worth the dirt on my shoes. I’m sorry, but fancy toys aren’t a replacement for real skill.”

“Quite the opposite, old colt, I use it to make sure others have a chance.”

“You won’t be needing it if you’re against me. You and I know better than the rest of these kids that numbers mean nothing.” I look around for a 1v1 game, but it seems the only multiplayer game is Pong. I sit down on one side. “You think you can beat something other than a machine?”

“Easily.”

It seems the rules are the same. First to get the ‘ball’ past the other person’s panel ten times wins and the other loses. “You know there’s no chance for a tie on this, you either win or you lose. You can still back out now...”

“Try me.” He moves his paddle and the game starts, all the kids around us paying rapt attention to the screen.

Bleep.

“Ha ha!”

Bloop.

“Right back at you!”

Bleep.

“I have you now!”

Bloop.

Man this is such an exhilarating game!

“Oh my aaaarm!”

“I think my hoof sprains have hoof sprains.”

“I’m gonna let it pass, just so we can finish this.” I let the digital puck slide into my goal. The score changes, now at 0-1.

Goddamnit, we’ve been at this for hours!

“But don’t think that’s a win for you, nobody hit ten.” I feel another cramp run up my arm like a lightning bolt. It’s hard not to cry out from the pain. “Whaddya say we call this a draw and say we’re equal... for now?”

“Yeah... we might wanna try again another day, when neither of us is so sore... oh, I don’t think I’ll be able to refresh my high scores for a month...” Loosehoof replies, holding his own limb just as I am.

“Good show though. I can respect that.” We shake with our non-gaming arms and stand, a few of the fillies grouping around Loosehoof.

“Yeah. When we’ve recovered, let’s try settling this again.”

“Same game?”

“Nah, neither of us were in our real element with just moving some stupid sliders up and down. I’ll see if I can get a real competitive game going.”

“I’ll be waiting, don’t chicken out.”

“Funny. Was about to say the same to you...” With that, he leaves the bowling alley, the fillies still following after him.

“Well, he seemed nice. Kinda.”

One kid though, points out something that seems pretty important to this little clique. “Loosehoof... well he didn’t lose but... he didn’t win! He always wins! Nopony has ever gotten Loosehoof Wizardly to stop playing before he beat them!”

Apparently I’m a contender for the title ‘prince of games’ now. “Well, I’m wiped for now, so I’m gonna go.” The Crusaders follow after me, apparently not done mildly celebrating my return.

Along the way, Scootaloo climbs atop some boxes, and decides to launch herself into my arms, but mostly gets caught by my ‘exhausted’ arm. Oh gods the pain is terrible why is this happening I can’t even be angry with those adorable eyes!

I smile through the pain and move her to my left arm and carry her that way. “So, what’s the plan for the rest of the afternoon? I’m down as long as I don’t need both hands.”

“Well, since you’re back and you’re not dead, you can help us become Cutie Mark Crusader Swordfighters! You’ve got a sword, and I’ll bet you can teach us! We wanna be able to do what you and Clark do, with the whoosh-clang and stuff!”

I just realized that the constellations didn’t ask for Gladius’ sword back... huh. Now that I think of it, she wasn’t even there as far as I recall. Oh well, guess it’s mine until further notice. “Alright, but swords take a lot of practice to use right, I don’t really know how to pass anything I know onto a quadruped, so you four are gonna have to figure it out some other way.” I pass the Sword to Scootaloo. “But you’re welcome to try, just be careful where you swing.”

I figure it’ll be alright, since it can’t do any more damage than a normal sword, unless it turns out one of these girls have a star core too. But what are the chances of that?

Chapter 185

I have to say that, despite not having its catastrophic power unlocked, those children can cause a lot of damage with my sword. Once they start hitting large rocks with it I make them stop. Not sure if this blade needs to be sharpened like any sword or not, but I don’t want to risk them putting chinks in this.

Once I explain that real swordsmanship is about balance and concentration and form, they get bored. “Hey, you think a knight would be able to do what he does if he didn’t start with the basics?”

“But the basics are boring! We wanna fight a monster or something!”

I quirk an eyebrow at the impetuous children. I look around and pick up a tree branch thick enough to use. “Alright, then. Let’s see what you got.”

The four fillies look amongst each other, now much less unsure. Scootaloo puffs up.

“It’s just a stick! We have a real sword!” She picks up the sword with her mouth, staggers a bit from the weight, but stares back at me, mumbling a challenge through her clenched teeth.

“Bng t n!”

She begins swinging wildly, and I just move my stick to block every blow. Left, right, right, left... “Sloppy. Predictable.”

She makes the last mistake by going for a stab. I swing my vertically-held branch to the side pushing the sword off it’s course for my knee, up, and around. The sword flies out of Scootaloo’s recovering grip and lands in the grass, leaving Scootaloo unarmed against my ‘blade’. “Too much power in one direction.”

I step on the sword and hold it down, keeping Scoots from lifting it again. I lay the branch down in front of her and sheath my sword back at my hip. “You want to be a legend? Be a beginner first.”

I leave the kids to let them practice. It took me all of a summer vacation of legitimate training to consider myself able to say I’m a ‘beginner’, and these kids think they can learn to be some amazing champion in a day. I think the main problem is they give up too quickly. You want to be talented at something, you work at it. Work at it hard.

Oh well, it’s up to them. We’re just kind of messing around, the kids now more interested in just playing than seeking their Cutie Marks. They really do seem to have missed me, so I enjoy some time with the group. Playing with them is difficult with my size. Not impossible... but things like tag are unbalanced given my size. Still, it’s much better than doing nothing.

After a few hours, it’s about noon and the Crusaders, starting with Sweetie Belle, mention they’re hungry. I figure I’ve got some spare cash, so I decide to treat them. Won’t be an actual meal,  I don’t have the funds for that. Speaking of, I know I’m getting a sliver of income from that ‘Sound Advice’ pony... wonder when and how it’ll be delivered. Eh, I’ll ask later.

The path to Sugarcube Corner takes us past Golden Oaks and I notice Clark walking in, a ‘serious business’ look on his face. If something was going down, why’d he tell Twilight before me?

I hand the bits I have to the Crusaders and tell them I’ll catch up. Once Clark is inside, I move to one of the windows in the tree and crouch so it’s just barely above my head. If I’m not getting a straight answer personally, I’ll get one another way.

I hear Twilight’s voice from right on the other side of the window, “Oh, Clark, it’s good to-”

Surprisingly, Clark interrupts. “Twilight, we have a problem. Go get your other friends, I’m going to grab some books, I hope they help.”

“Wait, what’s ha-”

“Something’s wrong with Fluttershy. Don’t go to her cottage. Meet me on the path there. Don’t hesitate and don’t dawdle! Go!” Clark shouts the last word, and I see Twilight go running form the front door of the library at her top pace, galloping as hard as she can to get to her friends.

Sans Fluttershy I assume. I decide to figure out what the big deal is, so I head towards Fluttershy’s cottage. I’m pretty sure I can leave the Crusaders alone for a while, and this seems pretty big.

Since it was the first place on my list, I obviously get here before Twilight is done gathering the other four.

After a couple of moments, Rainbow Dash flies over, and spots me. “Hey, Anthony, what’s going on? Twilight just told me to get over here and left!”

“I’m aiming to find that out myself. I overheard Clark talking with Twilight, he said there was a serious problem with Fluttershy, but to not go near her cottage. Personally, I’m ruling out the problem being demons going after Flutters because if it was a demon, either Clark and Anne would take care of it themselves or he’d come and get me, but instead he just passed right by me. This leads me to believe that the problem is more serious than just a demon.”

“Yeah, I suppose... but what could it be? I mean, it’s entirely the wrong time of the year for her heat, so...”

“Wait, you guys get estrus cyc-”

“Anthony! Rainbow Dash! Whatever is going on?” Rarity’s calls as she arrives. Her mane isn’t in its usual curls, which leads me to believe she may have rushed out without doing her hair. Can’t say she has her priorities wrong if she’ll give up that for a friend.

“We’re just as confused as you are.“ I shrug. “Clark said something was seriously wrong with Fluttershy and told Twilight to round everybody up here. Excluding me. I know from... secondhand listening.”

Rarity gives me a pointed look, but Dash doesn’t seem to understand. Before either of us can respond, however, AJ and Pinkie come up the road, Clark blurring into view barely a moment ahead of them. He gives me a look. “Oh, good, I thought I was going to have to chase you down. here, take these, we may need them.” He shoves a pair of thick tomes at me.

I look at the first one, it’s about... Deadly Afflictions of Undeath? I open the book to where it’s been dogeared hastily and the first word I see leaps to the forefront of my mind.

‘Vampirism’

I reach up to the thickest tree branch I could find and tear it off, before pulling out some coal and, forming it into a sawblade, make myself a crude stake. “Not sure if it works the same, but better safe than sorry. Anyone got any garlic powder I could coat this in, or some holy water I could-”

“No!” Clark barks at me, slapping the stake out of my hand. “Before you jump to conclusions, check the local details!” He picks up the book again. “And besides, she’s not... she’s not gone yet.”

“Wait, what’s going on, you two?” Rainbow Dash asks, darting over to us and looking us in the eyes.

“Vampires. And apparently Clark waited until now to tell everyone that Fluttershy is said vampire. And frankly, vampires are no laughing matter. She may not be gone yet, but depending on when she was bitten, she may only have a week... or a few minutes.”

“She’s already been... turned. Mostly, but not fully. That’s what I needed the book for. Look for a cure, Anthony, I need to check on her.” Clark presses the book into my arms one more time, then strides towards the little cottage. Outside, where I’m standing, nobody is speaking, or moving, or making any noise at all. A moment later, Twilight runs up the path, huffing and puffing.

“Well if she’s mostly turned...” I pause and open the book. “We may not have much time. Vampires are dangerous and we can’t have one running around town.” I flip through the book.

Rainbow Dash speaks up first. “Yeah, so how do we fix her?” She flies up behind me and looks at where I’m scanning through. “Uh, I think a cure would be listed before the ‘how to kill’ section... just my thoughts.”

“It is. I know.” Flipping back and forth through about four pages dedicated to Vampirism, I find myself getting more and more agitated.

Judging by the whispered comments and Twilight’s shocked reaction, I’m guessing the others just filled her in. Rarity steps away from the group. “Ah, Anthony? Have you had any luck?” A note of hope rings in her voice.

I shut the book, and look at her. I think she guesses from my expression, her ears lying flat against her skull.

I actually do, having found a passing mention of a weakness. “Yes I have.” I clap the book shut and stick it under my arm. “Beheading. Lovely.” I draw my sword and head for the cottage.

Immediately, all five of them explode into action, RD and AJ having to be restrained by the others as they move as if to attack me. I go intangible and slip right through their bodies, continuing on.

“Listen, you have another chance to stop me, but if you do, then I can’t guarantee nobody in this town will end up with Fluttershy’s fangs in their necks, draining them until they die. Just saying.”

Rainbow Dash, sounding desperate, yells, “But, it’s Fluttershy! She wouldn’t do that!”

I glance back at the multichrome pegasus. “Fluttershy? No. A vampire? Hell yeah it would. You don’t wanna watch, stay here.” With that I resume walking, book under arm and sword over shoulder. I can’t believe I’m about to kill Fluttershy! I mean, it’s for the sake of every other pony in town, but... I’m gonna ask Twi for a mindwipe after this.

I get to the front door, and it’s slightly ajar. Pushing it open slowly, I find that the room is trashed, and a small ‘tent’ of ripped curtains and torn blankets sits in the middle of the room. I can see Clark’s legs sticking out of the ‘tent’, unmoving. With the room preternaturally dark, there’s shadows everywhere, and I feel like I’m being watched immediately. It’s a stark contrast to the beautiful, nice day outside.

“Hey Fluttershy.” I whisper into the ‘empty’ house. “I heard you aren’t feeling well. Wanna... talk about it?” I hear a faint whimper from within the tent, the noise tearing at me inside. “Don’t worry. I’ll make this quick. Everything’s gonna be just fine...” My heart, tied in a billion knots, clenches as I imagine what I’m about to do. It must be done, I remind myself. She’s a vampire, and vampires hurt and kill others. Vampires need to be killed as soon as possible. Forget that it’s Fluttershy, just for the love of god, forget who it is...

I reach for the blanketed tent, and hesitate for a moment. I really don’t want to... to...

Before I can convince myself not to, I whip the blanket cover off, revealing Fluttershy, her mouth clamped around Clark’s demon arm, a pair of pearly fangs visibly buried in the chitin. Her eyes are filled with tears, but are wide, and so dark. I can’t even see the irises, but I can see Clark's expression of pain from where he’s sitting, behind Fluttershy.

I swing at Fluttershy, but with a burst of light, I’m suddenly striking a tree, the Sword now lodged in the wood. I’m in the Library.

Teleported... the book didn’t say vampires could... I reach for the book I was carrying, but it lacks an index, and under ‘known abilities’ the teleportation of others isn’t listed. Maybe Twi has more books on vampires inside.

A thought occurs to me suddenly that I may not have to kill Fluttershy... A possible option is finding the vampire that turned her and kill that one. I notice Spike doing some sweeping. “Spike! Did you bite anyone?”

“Huh?” The dragon looks at me, confused.

I pick him up and hold his face to mine. “Nightmare Night. Discord made you a vampire. Did. You. Bite. Any-one?”

“What? No! I did have weird cravings for blood oranges, though.”

“Damnit... running out of options. Spike, what does Twilight have on vampires or similar transformative curses/diseases?”

The dragon, I assume feeling a bit worried, looks at a few shelves. “Sorry, Clark was here earlier. Looks like he got them both. You guys playing a game or something?”

“No, something turned Fluttershy into a vampire, and she may have already fed. On Clark, specifically. I was about to cut her head off when I was ‘ported back here somehow.” I reach for the book again and start flipping through it again.

Suddenly, the door to the library slams open, and an extremely exhausted-looking Twilight is there. “Anthony! P- please, j- ju-” she stops for a moment to take a few heaving breaths and pulling a glass of water to her. After she takes a drink, she continues, “Please, just wait! Pinkie said she knows somepony who might be able to help. We just need time, and Clark said he can keep her occupied in the meantime.” She pants some more.

“Keep her occupied how? By being a chew toy? I don’t think so. Unless Pinkie can get this incredible cure in the next few hours, I say that I have no choice. Once a fledgling has fed, it’ll go into a blood-craving feeding-frenzy.”

Twilight looks horrified. “That’s- that’s crazy, why would you come up with something like that-”

I hold up the book, the current page detailing exactly what I just said. “I didn’t come up with it.”

Twilight sits down, her ears pinned to her skull, and her expression grim. “Oh... well... Pinkie said we just need to go speak with her ‘other Grandma’. I’m assuming she means her grandmother that isn’t a terrifying abomination.”

I ignore the notion that Granny Pie was an ‘abomination’. She was actually very nice. “Well, we better hope Pinkie can get that cure fast enough, or that the cure will work on someone who’s already turned.” I kneel down and put a hand on Twilight’s pony shoulder. “If not, and we can’t find anything else in time... it’s either her, or literally everyone else.”

“I- I-” Twilight sniffles, then reaches out and grabs both me and Spike into a strong hug. “But she’s my friend.”

“Mine too. You think walking into that cottage, sword in hand, made me feel like a hero? I couldn’t convince myself I was doing the right thing at all. I was going to commit a murder, killing someone I cared about... for the sake of everyone else.” I cringe. “I hate to admit it... but if things don’t work out... someone will have to kill her. If it’s me... I want you to wipe my mind. No joke. Even if you have to erase an entire year, or make me a vegetable, I don’t want to remember it. Got it?”

Twilight simply nods, shakily.

And this day started out so nice...

Chapter 186

An hour later, and I’m idly running a whetstone over the Sword, not sure if it actually needs sharpening, but... I don’t have anything else I can contribute and I need to do something or I’m going to break down.

Twilight’s been going around, putting up wards on everyone’s houses and getting them to stay inside. In the worst-case scenario, the wards will keep out Fluttershy and also alert us. They’re set to set off an alarm here in the library, where Twilight is waiting with me, and tell her where to send me.

It’s been silent for the last twenty minutes, and I’m on edge, like the tail end of the world’s longest adrenaline rush but still not ending.

I don’t even know what to do with myself. At least we have a few hours before dusk comes. Then Fluttershy will probably be out ‘hunting’. I’ve let go of the notion of being able to easily find the one who turned her. The conversation rolls through my mind again.

“Are there any tracking spells that could help?”

“Well, normally with a place as isolated as her cottage, finding something like that wouldn’t be hard, but with all of her animals she cares for, pinpointing an exact trail would take me a week at the shortest, and if anything else comes through in that time, I’d have to start over.”

“You’re sure? There’s no other way to find this vampire?”

“Well I’ve certainly never wanted to have to use anything like a ‘detect undead’ spell, so no. And if I did have a way to learn it, I’d have to practice on something undead, and I’m not good at reanimation either.”

I sigh as the idea fades again, going back to the whetstone, I just can’t imagine how this could get much worse.

The door opens, and I look up. None of the wards had gone off, and the only place we hadn’t warded was Fluttershy’s...

Clark steps in, his demon arm tightly bound with white bandages, though they don’t seem to be stained at all. “Hey, Anthony.” He looks dead tired. “I got her to sleep, but it wasn’t easy. She’ll be out for maybe an hour, but I needed to take a break. Her new teeth go through wood and leather like it isn’t there, and biting metal just hurt her, so...” he waves his arm with a pained wince. “Thankfully, my armor here is thicker than her fangs are long. Barely.”

“So you got her to sleep... What did that involve? You didn’t... hit her over the head or anything, did you?”

“Nah, just my usual methods. Goddess dammit, I’m tired.”

“Well you get some sleep. If we do reach the point of no return, I won’t need any help...”

“Alright. Wake me in twenty, I need to be there to make sure she’s occupied when she gets up. If we’re lucky, she’ll still be out then, too.”

“Life’s a bitch here too, huh?”

“I guess. I’m gonna rest.” He trudges past, looking older with every step. Finally, he simply collapses onto a chair, and is out almost instantly.

My paranoia informs me it’s possible that Fluttershy may have bitten Clark and he’s turning- no! One catastrophe at a time. If it comes to that... it’s not going to come to that. I won’t, because I won’t have to. Oh Pinkie I hope your cure works. Where is she?

Another forty nerve-wracking minutes later, I wake Clark. After going over the book six more times, I’m reassured he isn’t turning. It takes three consecutive nights of feeding followed by giving blood to the victim on the third. And Clark has been out the last three nights, according to Twilight, helping with some data she needed.

Pinkie still isn’t back yet though. Where could that mare be? If this cure doesn’t work once the subject has been fully turned... she may be too late already. I think I’m going to have to do it. No, give her one more day. If there’s no chance in that time, in twenty-four hours... I k-

I kill Fluttershy.

Gah, I can’t just sit here! But if I go out, and an alarm goes off, Twilight can’t get me there! damnit, damnit, damnit!

Another thirty minutes of me pacing, something I know I don’t do this much normally, and my ‘patience’ is finally rewarded by Pinkie and AJ showing up at the door.

“Where’s the cure- Do you have it- How much time do we have-” I barely breathe between questions, not feeling like I have the time to waste.

“Anthony, slow down!” Pinkie says, and the incongruity of the statement actually does stop me. “Okay, so my Grandma said that her own Grandma was a vampony hunter, and wrote this big book about it! Anyways, she pulled it out of her super-secret box, and showed us all the notes on the disease itself!” Pinkie says, smiling broadly. The flame of hope rekindles itself in my heart.

AJ steps in. “Now, before y’all get carried away, there was a cure listed in there. But... there’s some problems.”

“We don’t need, like, the heart of Molag Bal or anything, do we?”

“Er, no... but the biggies are...” Applejack gulps. “Well, one of ‘em is ground Gallow’s Bark, an’ another is some grave-dirt of a relative of the victim. An’... an’ if Fluttershy drinks even a single drop of blood from somepony -or someone- directly before then, she’s gone, ‘cuz the cure don’t work anymore.”

I don’t bother wasting time after hearing that news. “So who knows any of Fluttershy’s relatives who are dead?”

Pinkie and AJ look at each other. “Uhm... most pegasi don’ exactly bury their dead, Anthony.” AJ tells me.

Twilight comes down the stairs, and looks around. “I heard what was said. Uhm, Applejack’s right. Pegasi usually leave their bodies on mountains to be picked clean by carrion-feeders. And unicorns usually burn their dead. Comes from a  few issues with necromancers about forty-six centuries ago.”

“So we’d have to, what, find some relative of hers that’s an Earth pony? Okay, I have a feeling we’ll have to split up for this. Twilight, do ponies keep a census of some kind that contains info on family trees?”

“Uhm, sort of, but it’s in Canterlot! Even if we could teleport that far, we wouldn’t have enough time to get the information. We... we need to ask Fluttershy herself, and hope she has some. Quick, Applejack, what are the other ingredients?”

The farm-pony pulls out a short sheet of paper. “Here, can y’ copy the list, Twilight?”

With a flick of her horn, the unicorn does exactly that, creating four identical copies of the list. “Common spell, had to get blocked from it at the academy, too many students copying my answers. Spike, you watch the Wards, and send me a message if any of them go off, okay?” she doesn’t stop to get his answer, immediately turning back to Pinkie, AJ, and I. “You three, take these lists, and go find as many of the ingredients as you can. I’ll go to Fluttershy and ask if she has any buried family members. Anthony, while you’re searching, keep a careful eye out. You’re better at fighting than us, and if... if she attacks anypony, you’re the fast-”

“Shut up, I know!  Just shut up!” I don’t want any more reminders of what my ‘appointed task’ is. I turn to the list. “Wait, we need a sample of Fluttershy’s blood, and some from the one who turned her...”

“I’ll get Fluttershy’s blood while I’m there... Somehow. We can find the monster who started this after that.”

“Twilight, summon us a pair of syringes for that. If you can’t, Pinkie, head to the hospital and get some and meet me and AJ at Zecora’s with one for us after giving one to Twilight. Zecora might have some of this stuff.” My instructions given, I pick up AJ and stumble a bit at the weight, but I figure with my speed, I wouldn’t want to just dash off alone. Also I don’t know how to get to Zecora’s hut.

A quick, lightspeed dash to the Everfree forest, I set AJ down to catch my breath. Her face, slightly stretched backwards, would be funny if I wasn’t so fucking high on adrenaline right now. “Where... hut...?”

“Uh... right this way, pardner. You lean on me while y’all catch yer breath.”

My faithful leaning-pony leads me to Zecora’s hut-home, and we knock on the door as I stand in some kind of brick-red powder that’s forming a circle around the door. Wait a sec... there’s more of it heaped on the windowsills as well. Maybe some kind of natural ward, but I’m not sure how Zecora could know about this.

The door swings open, and Zecora greets us, rhyming as usual.

“No time to explain. Big problem. We need some of this stuff. What do you have?” I hand her the list. “And hurry if you can.”

She looks it over for barely a moment before telling us she has the materials, as well as letting us know that whoever the vampire is, it’s been stalking her too. Likely because of the whole ‘not in the middle of town’ thing. The dust is, in fact, a warding material as I suspected, and heavy enough not to be blown away by the wind.

“So do you know when you last saw the vampire?”

She tells us that the last she saw it was last night, and that it was a he, judging by its voice when it taunted her about finishing something. We tell her that what he was talking about was probably turning Fluttershy.

“So Twilight’s working on her own bit of the list, asking Fluttershy about her dead relatives, and hopefully get her blood. I’m gonna be the one getting the blood from your stalker. Pinkie should be here soon enough with a needle for the job. Once I’ve got his blood I’ll kill him and make sure he’s not going to start this again.” A thought enters my mind. “I might take two doses from him in case he has anyone else he turned just recently.”

After we leave the forest, we head off to collect some more of the ingredients. We still need to find some ‘Gallow’s Bark’, which is apparently bark from a gallows-tree. Judging by ponykind’s general mannerisms, I’m guessing it’s not a very common commodity. To my shock, AJ says she can get some, but she refuses to elaborate. She heads off to Sweet Apple Acres.

Okay, so I’m going to be hunting that vampire myself. Gripping my sword in my slightly-sweaty hand, I realize how nervous I am. I walk down the now mostly dark streets, on the lookout for anything moving or pony-shaped. Jumping at a few shadows, I wipe my palms on my shirt and readjust my grip on the sword. Where’s Pinkie with that syringe? If I find him and I don’t have it, I’ll have to stall him...

I see a pony-shaped figure approaching me at a medium-fast pace and I bring my sword up in a block for defense when the figure gets close enough for me to see. “Pinkie, you almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry, Anthony!” Pinkie says, then holds out a syringe on her hoof. Not... too sure how she’s holding it in place. I’ll worry about that later.

“Okay. So Zecora’s gave us what she could. AJ’s carrying it and she’s getting the Gallow’s bark. I’m... looking for the maker-vampire.” I pocket the syringe carefully, my immense fear of needles making the blood in my hands crawl as I touch it. I can’t wait for this to be all over... I return attention to Pinkie. “Any word from Twilight on her progress?”

“Nuh-uh. You have any idea where to find the mc-mean-pire? Do we know anything about it?”

“It’s a stallion.” I say, sighing to indicate my displeasure with the fact that it’s all we have to work with. “Any ideas? We don’t know if he’s local, but probably not since this hasn’t happened until now. Who was the last stallion to arrive in town?”

“Hmm? Uhm... Ooh! Alley Card! So maybe he knows?”

I give Pinkie a sorrowful look. “I know you’re trying to be optimistic, but... he’s the best bet we have of being the vampire. Where did you last see him?”

“Oh, uhm... he’s got a house. It’s... kinda near Fluttershy’s, actually.” Pinkie’s expression falls as she thinks over things. “But he seemed really nice...”

“Pinkie... stay here. If I don’t come back...” I sigh. “I’m probably going to come back. But don’t count on it.” I have no idea how ‘old’ this guy is. If he’s ancient, I’m probably digging my grave deeper with each step I take.

Chapter 187

I’ve played all kinds of games both as and against vampires. I’ve read all the different books about vampires from Earth. What happens here all comes down to how powerful he is, and I have no idea. But if he’s ‘really nice’ as Pinkie said, he’s probably been doing this for a long while at least. I may not come back from this.

Come on, pull it together man, everyone’s counting on you. I get to Fluttershy’s cottage and knock on the door. No answer, but a bit of shuffling from inside then silence. Oh well, guess Twilight already did her thing.

I look around the area for another house-like place. Unfortunately, with the moon rising and shadows getting deeper, it’s difficult to see much. I could Spark up to generate some light, but that guarantees that the vampire would see me first, and old or not, that’s a very bad thing.

But I can’t find him or a house in this darkness. I’d either have to literally bump into it, or get him to come to me-

Oof!

Well... I walked into the side of a house... Rubbing my nose, I walk around until I find the front and the door opens as I reach for it. Holding my sword tightly I back up.

“A... Anthony...?”

I Spark up and in my steel-gray glow, I see... “Pinkie? I told you to stay put!”

The pony sways in place a bit. “N- nah yah din’... was here all... all week. ‘m tired...”

“Why were you here? I...” Oh the clones, right.

“Mr. Card said... he wanted to... spend more... more time with me.” She doesn’t look well at all, swaying back and forth like she’s drunk or something. “Don’ feel so good...”

“Pinkie... what happened while you were here?”

“Well...” She pauses. “Mr. Card wanted me to stay here over a few nights, that way I wouldn’t have to find someplace to sleep and we could... talk an’ stuff. Haven’t been sleeping so good for a few days but he’ssonice an’... an’...” She lets out a huge yawn and my heart drops straight to my stomach and freezes when, in the pale glow of my star core, I see a pair of undeniably sharp teeth in her mouth, and a trio of bite marks in her neck.

Calm down, they could be mosquitos... in the winter... positioned so they make their bites completely equidistant to each other. Or... oh goddamnit what’s the point?

I feel my legs turn to jelly. “P- P- Pinkie Pie, I’d like you to lay down, okay?” I kneel down and gesture her towards me.

“Mmhmm... so tired. An’... thirsty...”

I feel my vision blur with tears as I turn off my light, holding the newly-formed vampire Pinkie in my arms. “It’s gonna be okay. Everything’s gonna be... just... fine.”

She leans into me and snuggles up. Maybe... maybe she hasn’t turned yet- Agh!

I begin my glow again and find Pinkie biting into my arm. Everything becomes a blur, like it’s unreal and slowed down.

I push Pinkie to the ground.

I draw my sword, leaning over her.

Blade to her neck.

She looks at me, scared and confused.

Her tongue reaches up to her fangs and she gets a taste of my blood.

Her eyes dilate and she stares at me.

Hungrily.

I shut my eyes tight, squeezing tears down my face.

*S-schlink*

No other noises. My whole body is shaky, legs not letting me stand or even move. I turn my head and open my eyes, my glow mixed with my tears practically blinding me. And a glint catches my eye in the still, silent darkness. My sword.

I slowly bring my gaze towards it.

Short.

Sturdy.

Shiny.

And bloody.

I feel like my heart got torn out of my chest, and I can’t think of anything to do but fall over and cry. Opening my eyes as I lay on the ground, I see Pinkie’s body.

I... I killed her. I cut her head off and- and I-

My eyes feel like they’re burning and I shut them tight, the image of Pinkie’s unmoving, red-stained body not leaving my mind.

I... I’m a monster.

Everything slows down further as I curl into a ball, holding my knees to my chest and my eyes shut as tight as possible. I want to call for someone, anyone... But all I manage is a loud wail as my crying finally makes itself audible through my choking.

I- I don’t know what to do. I just- just-

No matter what I do, this is already bad. Who else might be...?

The sound of hooves on the road makes me roll to my feet and turn, my Spark flaring defensively as I do. By my own light, I see Twilight at the end of the alley by the house, looking in horror at the ground. My knees becoming weak again, I crumple to the ground, my sword dropping at my side. “I... I had to. She was... He got her already and... and...”

I can’t make anymore words so I just resume my crying.

Twilight steps over to me, shaking like a leaf herself. “Wh- what? How could- no!” She’s hyperventilating, before sputtering out, “We... we have to end this. However necessary.”

A voice, thick with malice yet calm, speaks from the darkness all around. “I quite agree, star-born.”

“Monster.” I’m not sure if I thought that or said it out loud. I shakily get to my knees, gripping my sword as tightly as I can, my knuckles hurting. “You monster...”

“Monster... I hear that used to describe my kind, and yet is it really monstrous to do what nature intended for me to desire?”

Twilight replies, a lump forming in my throat and feeling like I’m choking on my own esophagus. “Ye- no! But you’re not natural! You’re an abomination! You hurt innocent ponies just to slake your bloodlust you- you- you fucker!”

“My my, such language. So I’m an abomination because I kill ponies because I am hungry? And I suppose that makes half the creatures in this forest ‘abominations’ as well. Still, I don’t kill everypony. Your pegasus friend is still very much alive, and the nice pink one would be too. It wasn’t my choice she should have her head cut off.”

The words feel like a spear through my brain and I feel my legs quiver, but I stay standing. “She... she didn’t want this. None of them did. You...” I run out of words to bolster my defense with.

“Well, if you are both finished, we can end this the easy way or the easier way. Come on, which is first? I haven’t eaten since lunch.”

Like paint dripping from a ceiling,  the shadows on all sides pull and twist away, revealing the alley as moon-lit and surprisingly bright. Within moments, a tall, almost regal stallion forms from nothing but darkness, the blood-red moon for his cutie-mark all too appropriate.

It takes a second, but I recognize him as the stallion who wandered into town a few weeks, no a few months ago, who I... pointed... towards... Fluttershy... Oh damnit, why do I just make things worse?

He walks towards us, his path angled more towards Twilight. “Would you like to try your books against somepony who actually knows what they are doing? Say yes, I like to play with my food a bit.”

“Get away from her. Now.”

He quirks an eyebrow in my direction. “Or what? You’ll glow at me? Don’t be stupid and just wait your turn like a good boy.” Even with the abusive language, his voice is strangely sonorous and pleasant, like he’s sitting at home and drinking Earl Grey. Sounds smug but calm and relaxed.

Twilight whimpers as he returns his gaze to her and smiles, slightly revealing his fangs. “Just stand still and be a nice young mare. I’m not going to spoil this by rushing it, so just get comfortable, you may feel a pinch. Oh and try not to move much, it gets quite messy if you do.”

I punch him straight in the fac- The vampire pushes my fist away like a fly and sighs, rolling his eyes. “You are the impatient one, aren’t you? Fine, you first then.”

I enter my Heat form and surround myself in fire, hoping to scare him off. Instead he chuckles. “Oh my, it seems you’ve mistaken me for a fledgling. I assure you that is far from the truth.” He trots forward and seems completely unfazed by the flames licking at him. “I’m tiring of you, star-born. If you truly desire to fight me, then I won’t make your death as quick as I was going to.”

I blink and when I open my eyes I’m on my back, my chest feeling like it imploded. “Not... gonna... stop me.”

“It wasn’t intended to, child. If I wanted to kill you you wouldn’t even notice. Now let me get back to your unicorn friend. I’ll-” His eyes go wide and when he turns around I see Twilight had flung the empty syringe into the back of his neck. He growls at her. “You’ve made your last mistake...”

I swing my sword as fast as I can, and I send a shockwave of energy that lances through his body and I... cut off a leg at the kneecap. “Well. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable in quite some time. Congratulations worms. You have annoyed me further.”

“How... how old are you?” I choke out, now truly afraid for myself.

“Hmm... I remember watching this land become swallowed by ice. Before that I stalked the ponies, the deer, and even the Alicorns when once they stood as a tribe of their own. I am ancient, star-born, and I am hungry. Now... cease prattling.” He sneers at me contemptuously. “Your stalling only upsets me further.”

Oh god... if he’s not joking, we’re dead already...

He turns back to Twilight and is quite literally instantly on top of her. “Now please be quiet, I don’t like whine with my food.”

I honestly can’t think of anything to do! He’s going to kill Twilight, then me, then who knows who else...

I need to do something I need to focus... I do my best to calm down to think, but my heart is pounding too fast. I need to stop him somehow... stall him or something until the sun comes up or... damn that’s right, sunlight doesn’t kill them just weakens them. That might be enough though. I look up at the sky and it’s still about eight hours before dawn. Damnit Celestia!

Wait... the sun is a star. Nothing else I’ve tried worked but... I need to do something. I watch as the vampire goes for Twi’s neck, stopping to whisper something to her. Whatever he says makes Twilight scream in fear and thrash. He sighs. “I told you to stay still, unless you want me to tear your neck open.”

I go for a firelectric flash to at least pause him. He hisses angrily. “Cut that out, have you no respect for those trying to enjoy a meal?”

I focus hard. I need that power the stars taught me. I need to focus. I feel my core pulse severely but I don’t feel like I did it right.  Come on... if I can’t do this, people are going to die!

I try to force the transformation, make it faster, and I feel like someone stabbed me in the chest with a hot poker. I do, however, feel like it worked. I see the nimbus expand and the vampire actually pauses. “I told you to not bother me! Another interruption like this and I’ll just-”

I rush forward as fast as I can and, with my hands on his head, I shove his face into the nimbus of energy. He screams, a primal sound that makes my flesh crawl.

I pour my anger, my sorrow, my everything into it, and the nimbus flares again, another scream filling the night as my light-wrapped hands sink into the monster’s neck.

With a gurgle and a sizzle, the vampire’s body falls limply from my grasp, as there’s no longer enough of its head to hold onto, chunks of the blackened, twisted skull simply shattering into clumps of ash on impact.

After a moment, I realize the second scream was from me. My- my throat hurts. An- and... so does everything else. I- I need to- to... to save Fluttershy, right.

Eventually, I shake myself, realizing I’d just been numbly staring at the blackened stump of the corpse’s neck. Looking over, I see that Twilight’s neck is bleeding, but she doesn’t look too badly injured.

“Where’s the syringe?” Twilight levitates it up to me and I jab the needle into the remainder of his lower body and pull the plunger, a thick, black-red liquid seeping into the needle’s chamber. Also, it’s very warm, probably from proximity to my new form. I look at the liquid. I’m pretty sure it’s his blood, I mean there’s not much else it could be but... It feels so... strange even though I’m just looking at it in a glass vial.

The pure blood of an ancient vampire.

Twilight brings me out of my trance. “Come on, we gotta get this into a cure for Fluttershy!”

“Right.” I pocket the syringe and reach down to what’s left of the vampire’s clothes. Barely anything, but enough.

“What are you doing!? Let’s go!”

I ignore Twilight’s complaints and take two strips, and wrap them around her neck where she’s bleeding and tie it off with the best knot I can manage. “This changes nothing, you know.”

She doesn’t seem to understand or hear me, as we begin rushing back.

Chapter 188

We get to town, wondering where Applejack is. She has the other ingredients. Except for- “Twilight, where’s the syringe of Fluttershy’s blood? Where does she have any family buried?”

“Oh! Right, I have those in my case.” She pulls out a small... lunchbox. Well, if it works, it works. I take it, and pull it open, still moving along as I do. Sure enough, inside is a few cotton balls, a little blue cloth bag that’s probably for the dirt once we get it, a syringe with a cap on it. There’s another cap in here, probably for the one I’m carrying.

I put the cap on mine, not feeling comfortable with a bare needle filled with vampire blood in my pocket. Placing it in the lunchbox, I hand it back to Twilight.

“Back to my other question. Where does she have family buried? The fact that I just killed an ancient vampire not making much difference if we can’t cure Fluttershy.”

“Oh, yes. Fluttershy was born and raised in Cloudsdale, as we all know, but what she hadn’t told anypony but Rainbow Dash before tonight is that her father was an Earth Pony. The only reason she wasn’t raised right here in Ponyville is that he passed away before she was born, and her mother-”

“Exposition later, find dead dad now! Where’s he buried?”

“Ponyville Cemetery! I can teleport us there and exhume some dirt, but I won’t be able to run after that, I’m exhausted.”

Well, as long as she doesn’t say she feels drained we might make this work. “Fine. I’ll take the syringes. Teleport me there and you go get Myrna to help with the digging.”

“We just need some dirt, I can rip a patch of grass up, and you can take the dirt itself.” Twilight says, shoving the lunchbox at me, then shuts her eyes and concentrating when I take it.

Wait... Applejack has the other ingredients. How would she know where to find us? Damnit, this is not going well.

With a ~poof~, we teleport. Ponyville cemetery is rather small to be honest, but not devoid of gravestones, just less of a cemetery and more like a bunch of holes dug in the ground, filled and a pre-engraved slab of stone shoved in the ground for a marker. There aren’t rows and there’s no real pattern, mounds in the grass wherever. That’s pretty disrespectful if you ask me.

Twilight, panting, reaches out with her magic when she nears a certain headstone, and simply pulls up a four-foot-long section of turf, revealing soft dirt and loam beneath.

“Hope that’s deep enough to be considered ‘grave’ soil.” Just to be sure I dig a few clumps of dirt out and get some from about half a foot further down. Shoving the dirt into the sack and shutting the lunchbox, I tell Twilight I’m going to find Applejack. “Hopefully she’s got everything else we need.”

“J-just go. I c- can put up... a ward. Just... justin case.” Twilight says, panting. After a moment, a pale dome forms over her, barely visible and thinner than a razor’s edge.

Running for the orchard in the dark, the moon offering just enough visibility to not run into every tree in my path, I run into Rainbow Dash first. “Where’s AJ, she got the stuff?”

“Yeah, she said she had to grab something first, though.”

As I wonder what she could be grabbing, I look around. I’m not even sure where she’s grabbing the whatever from, or I’d go there and hurry this up.

When I see AJ, I start running to her, and skid to a stop when I see what she’s got. A saddlebag on one side that looks beaten, and possibly made of leather. The other side has what I can only describe as a mounted crossbow.

“Hope it won’t come to it, but I hope you got practice with that thing. We may only have time for one shot.”

“‘Cordin’ ta family tales, it only take one. But as y’ said... let’s hope it ain’t needed, sugarcube.” She tucks her head into her saddlebag, and pulls out a bag and tosses it to me. “Already ground it. We c’n mix it at Shy’s. Y’all got the other stuff right?”

“Shy’s blood, her dad’s graveyard dirt, and the blood of a full-fledged ancient vampire. Getting the last one wasn’t pretty. Or easy.”

AJ pauses. “Wait, that’s the same one that got ‘Shy in the first place? Ah... Ah think Ah may need another bolt fer-”

“No need, dealt with him already, explain later, run now!”

“Right!” AJ says, and she, RD, and I get a move on. I don’t Spark up, if only because I don’t want to be exhausted if it comes down to it.

“So...” I pant as I run. “We... how do we... give it to her?”

“She’s gotta drink it. All of it.” Dash says, sounding grossed out. Honestly, given what I’ve collected... I’d be grossed out too at virtually any other time hearing that.

“Wait,” Rainbow says, “where’s everypony else?”

“Haven’t seen Rarity at all. Twilight’s in the cemetery resting, I bandaged her neck up after she got bit. Pinkie-” The name flashes the image of her dead body into my mind and I fall, tumbling to the ground far behind the others. They turn, worried. “Just fucking run!”

“You have all the ingredients, Anthony!” Rainbow Dash says, zipping back and getting me back on my feet.

I get up. “I... I’ll tell you about Pinkie later... Let’s just go.”

Rainbow looks a mix of extremely depressed and scared. “Come on man, let’s just get this to Fluttershy... we can deal with... other stuff after.”

“Yeah...” Wasting no further time, we continue our dash to Fluttershy’s, and only slow down once we’re just a few paces from the front door.

Without warning, a piercing shriek fills the night, and I’m moving before I can think.

The door is slammed off its hinges, and I’ve got my Sword drawn and ready by the time my foot has finished falling for the next step. Inside, I see a pale white body off to one side, blood on the floor. In the middle of the room, I see that Clark is unconscious or... no, there’s no blood on him. Atop him, though, is Fluttershy, tears in her eyes and mouth open wide. The only thing stopping me from swinging right now is that her fangs are still spotless, and she’s visibly resisting the urge to strike Clark while he’s down.

She shrieks again, shaking her head violently, tumbling from Clark and clutching her head with both her forehooves.

As much as she’s resisting, I can’t take any chances, so I rush over and, sliding underneath her, hold her down against me, forelegs forced out to the sides by my hold. “Someone make her drink it before she really snaps!”

“Wait, we need one more thing!” Dash yells. “But what’s her heart’s desire?” I look over, and see she and AJ are already mixing the brew in a bowl, AJ keeping herself turned towards Fluttershy and I, the crossbow on her side cocked and ready to fire.

“How should I know? Angel Bunny?” Speaking of, he and every other animal around seems to have completely disappeared, no sign of them being around since... Idunno, yesterday? This morning? “Well if it is him, then we’re shit outta luck. What do we need from her heart’s desire?”

“Blood. It’s the last ingredient we don’t have, but I doubt this’ll work without it.”

I look around and my eyes fall on Clark’s sleeping body. Oh fuck it, better than trying nothing. I reach for a window curtain and, tearing it from the window, wrap it around Fluttershy, essentially bagging her. “Get me a knife and a bowl or something over here.” wait... better idea. “Actually, give me one of those empty needles.”

AJ brings over one of the mostly-empty needles and drops it into my palm. “Careful there, pardner. That one’s Fluttershy’s, but Ah wouldn’t want Clark gettin’ anythin’ nasty from her Vamp blood.”

“Like we have a choice? I doubt that I could get enough blood otherwise fast enough without cutting of something that won’t repair itself.” I jab the needle into his human arm and fill the syringe back up to full, noticing that there’s really no consistency or color difference between human and pony blood at all. It’s really kinda interesting. Aside from the fact that I’m holding a needle full of it, it’s-

“Hey, you done there? I think ‘Shy’s getting restless.” Snapping back to reality, I pass the needle to Rainbow and move back to the bag where Fluttershy is crawling out. Need to get her to keep her mouth open... Now how do I do this... Uh... Oh fuck it.

The pegasus, disheveled and tear-streaked looks up, her eyes watering. “A-Anthony... I’m sc-”

“Sorry about this, but I can’t take chances.” I grab a small stick and, whacking the pegasus in the back, she yelps and I put the stick in her mouth, wedging it open. “Now, give it to her!”

Rainbow takes the gross, chunky-red concoction and, with me tilting ‘Shy’s head back, pours the disgusting stuff down her throat. I pull the stick out of her mouth and use some curtain fabric to tie a crude muzzle, forcing her mouth shut and I cover her nose. Need to make sure she swallows it.

After a moment, she gulps, and I uncover her nose. Fluttershy gasps for air as the muzzle slips off, her red-ringed eyes slowly focusing. “Anthony, I- I’m so-” suddenly, she cries out, then falls to floor, and begins vomiting, a thick, black tar-like substance pouring past her lips and out her nose as she whimpers pitifully.

As she makes choking noises, I can hear something like bones breaking rapid-fire, and her open mouth reveals her fangs flattening, like erosion in sped-up stopmotion.

She squeaks in pain, shuddering violently, and heaves up blood next, the sticky red fluid coating the floor and beginning to dribble from her eyes.

Finally, it stops, and Fluttershy simply lays on the floor, unmoving, a puddle of red and black spilled from her mouth and nose, her eyes shut.

I lean closer. “Still got a heartbeat, and she’s fangless. Success.” The yellow pegasus shudders again, but doesn’t open her eyes.

We all look at the mess Flutters puked up and Rainbow makes a gagging noise. “Relatively speaking...”

“Anyway, now that the first part’s over, we need to clean up a bit.” The mares look at the floor.

“Sorry man, all yours, I’m uh... allergic to cleaning.”

“I meant getting Clark and Rarity cleaned up and taken to the hospital. I... I gotta go take care of something.” I grab the curtain and plan to use it as a bag again. “I’ll... I’ll be back.”

“Hey, you can’t just leave us to carry Clark! He’s heavy!”

I turn and scream at Rainbow. “If youwant to clear up Pinkie’s headless body, be my guest!” My breath heaving, I head into the night before she can respond.

Chapter 189

I have Pinkie’s body and her head in my curtain-bag. Once ‘tonight’ becomes ‘tomorrow’ and everyone is awake, we’ll have a funeral of sorts I guess. I just... I mean, I know that there are still three more but... oh god why can’t I forget this?

Because you’re weak... Damnit, I don’t need my negativity now. But without me you wouldn’t have your brains. You knew what had to be done and you did it. She was a vampire, so you killed her. She could have had a chance! Do you need reminding of how she looked at you once she tasted your blood?

The image of the scared Pinkie floods my mind and shifts, becoming the hungry glare... Now see? You’re a hero, now stand up and act like it you wimp! But I killed her! You killed a vampire! Besides, it’s not like there’s a shortage of Pinkies around anyway. What are the chances that you’ll have to put down all of them? Actually, given your track record, probably pretty darn high. Oh well, suck it up and take it like a man. They’re ponies, who gives a shit?  Without you around, that Pinkie-pire would have probably turned Ponyville into an all you can eat buffet! Seriously, name one person in this shithole who wouldn’t trust her. They’re too stupid to protect themselves so they rely on you. Why you help them is beyond me, considering-

Shut up... just shut up... leave me alone...

Look, if you want to sit here in the mud and wallow in self-pity like an emo without the guts to off himself, fine. Suck it up and actually grow a pair!

I stand up with the makeshift body bag. Just carrying it makes me feel sick. The sun rises, bathing the sky in orange and I trudge back to Ponyville. I’m coming up on the Town Hall and-

“There you are! Where’d you run off to last night? I thought you... Idunno, I just thought you might not be coming back.” I just walk past Rainbow Dash, hovering in midair. “Hey, I’m sorry, I’m just trying to... C’mon there’s more Pinkies than that one.” I turn around and start walking back the way I came, but Rainbow follows me, still hovering. “Okay that sounded way worse than I meant it to but... don’t bail on us just because... uh...”

“If you’re trying to find a ‘gentle’ way to say I killed Pinkie Pie without a second thought, you can give up now.”

“It’s not that bad, you just... you were doing the right thing... I guess. I mean, you feel really bad about it, don’t you?” She pauses. “Okay, dumb question, sorry I’m just... I’m really messing this up, aren’t I? Should I go and... get somepony else to talk to you?”

“No.”

“I’ll... I’ll send somepony over.”

I just sit down and wait. Might as well just deal with whoever Rainbow has in mind.

“Hey there sugarcube... you uh... you sleep well?” Applejack knows as well as I do that none of us slept at all last night aside from Clark and Rarity.

“Stop with the idle chat and just get to your pep talk or whatever.”

“Don’t be like that, it ain’t healthy for ya.” She moves to sit down but, realizing she’s about to sit down next to a bag holding a decapitated body, she moves to my other side. “Ah know last night was one big problem after another but... Things aren’t that bad. Nopony thinks you’re bad for doin’ that.”

“Yeah, because only four actually know I did it so far.”

“...” Applejack has a few false starts, clearly trying to say something that doesn’t just make it worse. Not that it could get much worse. “Ah’m sorry y’ had to. But it’s okay. I’m not gonna say that Pinkie’d ‘ve wanted it, Ah’m not gonna pretend Ah know what she was thinkin’... But it was the right thing to do. Kinda.”

“I don’t even know what’s right or not. Sure she’d be a vampire but she’d at least be alive.”

“Ah’m not gonna convince you that what you did was a good thing, Ah ain’t sayin’ that... but I don’t think Pinkie’d like much the idea that she’d just end up eatin’ everypony in town.”

“But I still don’t think it was right to do it.”

“Ya never said what really happened... Y’wanna talk about it?”

Yes. “No.”

Applejack sighs. “I can’t make ya talk if ya ain’t gonna, but... I don’t wan’ this to just be a guilt trip for ya. You ain’t doin’ nopony any favors by sittin’ around an’ beatin’ yerself up.”

I want a hug... “Just leave me alone.”

“Ah’m sorry. Ah really am. We all are. ‘Specially the other Pinkies. You ain’t the bad guy here, it was that dusty ol’ nut that got to her. T’ain’t nopony’s fault but his and he’s gone now.”

“Doesn’t make doing it feel any less wrong.”

Applejack just stands up and walks off. “We ain’t givin’ up on ya, and ya ain’t the bad guy. You can beat yerself up all you want, but it ain’t gonna change nothing.”

Apparently Applejack doesn’t consider the outcome of suicide. Pfft, like you’d actually off yourself. You couldn’t do it before and you won’t do it now. You’re gonna say you’ll do it, then think about everyone who’ll be sad because you did and get all weepy and just lie down and deal with it. You get the guts to kill someone and you do nothing but moan about it. But I’d never killed anyone before, especially on purpose. I’m not a killer, I don’t kill. Then what happened to Chrysalis huh? You think she just melted into the floor and she’s a living slime mold? Face it buddy. You killed someone simply because they pissed you off enough. You said stuff about doing it to Sunbutt, and now you did it in self-preservation and the safety of others. How are you the bad guy? Besides, it’s not like just because you let the jerks go they aren’t gonna bite it some other time. Stand up for yourself, show the world you’re not one to mess with, show them you have a spine and you’re not just some pitiful sap! Just shut up...

I realize I’m hugging the bag with Pinkie in it and as disgusting as the idea is, I can’t seem to put it down.

All this shit in my head... I just want everything to stop. Or start over. Or... I don’t know, go better than this.

Well, when the news got to the town that Pinkie was dead, it seemed to change something in the place. Physically, everything looked the same except there weren’t any smiles or laughing. Aside from that, everything seemed... muted, like something drained a bit of color from everything just a little.

It’s not totally depressing though, there are still three others, but it looks like it’s taking all of them to keep things running. The funeral is basically a town-wide day of silence. Celestia and Luna show up too and a few desperate ponies asked if they could bring her back.

I doubt that they could actually do anything of the sort without any issues on top of being able to reattach the head flawlessly. The more accepting group barely registers the princesses as ‘here’, though they are still torn up. I notice a group of four I’d never seen before and I’m informed that they’re her parents and sisters.

I’ve done my best to keep myself steady as I put the body and head into the coffin. Apparently, coffins are usually only reserved for royals and nobles, but it seems some strings were pulled for this, and I’m grateful for that.

I close the coffin, figuring nobody should have to see exactly what a headless pony looks like. “I... I’d like to say something.” Everyone shifts their attention to me. I sigh. “But I have no idea what could be said. I really don’t know.”

The assembled ponies just sort of nod, agreeing with me. I’ve been to two funerals before this. My maternal grandfather, and my paternal grandmother. This time... this time it really stings.

There’s nothing left for me to do. I know I can’t just rewind life and fix all this... all I can do is hope that there’s enough time to heal before this happens again. I walk off to my little grassy place by the schoolhouse and it starts raining, as if the sky itself is crying for Pinkie. I spend a few minutes wishing a bolt of lightning would hit me and end all this... but it doesn’t come.

Chapter 190

Still deciding on what to do, I just sit in the rain. It’s not cold, just wet. Which is rather surprising for Winter, but I guess I’ll take what I can get. I know that I really shouldn’t feel so rotten. I took no pleasure in killing Pinkie, and there’s other Pinkies still, nobody’s mad at me... so why do I feel like this?

“Hey.” The soft voice catches my attention, even though it’s barely audible over the rain. The steady ‘plink plink plink’ of rain on metal tells me who it is.

“You’re here to tell me that there’s no reason to be upset and that I didn’t do anything wrong and since I feel bad I did it, that proves I’m not a psycho-killer.” I sigh, expecting mostly the same talk I got from Applejack. “Well, I still feel like total crap anyways against all reason.”

“Uhm... actually, I was just going to ask if you wanted company. You look like you need a hug.” I hear the sound of Anne settling onto the wet grass beside me.

I sigh and pull Anne over to me, her metallic bits somewhat uncomfortable, but her down is rather comforting. “I just don’t really get it. I killed a vampire and saved someone from turning, and counting what I did with Pinkie, I’ve saved this town from being vampire-thrall central three different times in the same night... but I feel like dirt because... well... I know that Pinkie would be really dangerous but... what if there was some obscure remedy that worked even after they’ve gone full blood-crazy?”

A sound like something dropped into pudding comes from behind us. “‘What ifs’ don’t get us anywhere, Anthony.” Myrna’s voice calls out.

“Now that is the dumbest thing I’ve heard ever. And I’ve heard a lot of dumb things. What ifs gave us things like electricity, wheels and ice cream. What ifs get us pretty damn far to be honest.”

“Acting on ‘What If’ is what gets us places, but dwelling on them doesn’t.”

“So what do I do? Just move on from the fact that, despite that it was under strenuous circumstances, I murdered Pinkie Pie? I stood over her and sliced her head off and... and... and I’m supposed to believe I’m still a good guy here?”

I feel Myrna hug me as well, her body surprisingly warm. “Yes. Because you, sitting here and mourning? It means you’re not a monster. Monsters don’t regret. You did it to save yourself, your family, your friends... that makes it the right thing.”

“So killing for a ‘good’ cause is okay? As long as you regret that you hurt someone it wipes you clean of what you did? You can just apologize and cry a murder away? Everyone says that because I regret this and that I was doing it to protect others, it keeps my slate clean, but my insides tell me different. This was wrong.”

Neither Anne nor Myrna say anything, they just keep holding me.

The rain keeps falling.

I still don’t know how to feel about all this, and I know why everyone thinks I’m being too hard on myself, maybe I am, but I feel I deserve it! I do! I killed Pinkie Pie. I mean, no matter how many times I hammer it into my head it just seems like I still don’t get it... I killed Pinkie Pie! And just because my reasoning is ‘good’, that means it doesn’t matter how she died.

I saw the town. I saw the princesses. I saw her family! Nobody was happy, which is obvious but... I did that. Just because there are ‘backups’ and that I didn’t want to do it... Pinkie is still headless and buried and everyone there looked absolutely destroyed by this.

And I did that to them. No two ways about it. It was my sword, my arm, my intention. Not my desire, but everything else was intentional. I needed to kill her. Sure maybe I’m not evil but I certainly don’t feel heroic. Foals and grown ponies alike were crying if they weren’t silent. Pinkie knew everyone, and that means everyone knew her, every single person in this town lost a friend today. It wasn’t even a clean death...

And I’m expected to not feel like a monster... As if I should just brush this off as ‘life sucking’ and move on.

I look up as I hear footsteps on the wet soil and see Clark walking through the rain, alone. He doesn’t seem to notice the downpour.

Eh, might as well see what he’s up to. “So, uh... is Fluttershy still alright?”

He turns when he hears me, and gives a smile like any other he’s had since he got here. “Yeah, she’ll turn out fine.” He absently itches at the thick white cast over his demonic arm. The plating had looked like it was shattered from the dozen pairs of needle-thin puncture marks. “So, what’s got you down? I mean, I would’ve expected a wake or something similar, but everyone but the Pinkies are so dour right now.”

“Well, when you’re the one who caused the death there’s usually only a few ways for one to react. Frankly I’m shocked nobody around here wants my head cut off too.”

“Nah, ponies aren’t like that. Still, why are you so upset?”

“Because I’m the fucking reason she’s headless and buried!”

Clark nods. “Ah. Hey, just as a question, am I a monster?” He looks at me, his question sounding oddly sincere.

“If you are, then it’s less so than me. So far my ‘kill’ count is two if we don’t count demons. So, what’s your count so far?”

“Idunno, lost count after eighty.” Clark answers without missing a beat. “Wait, do midgets count for half or full score?”

I chuckle a bit. At least he’s still funny.

Clark looks at me funny. “No, I mean it. The clan said they weren’t worth full, but we never got around to actually giving them a set ‘value’. And I’m assuming you mean in some form of combat, of course, or it’s higher.” Clark thinks for a moment. “Do those that died during torture count, too, or just ones I actually killed directly?” He asks me, his face and tone serious.

“I...” I blank for a bit. “Alright, I get it. Everyone’s right about everything and I’m wrong about everything. I’m a hero who can do no wrong no matter what, and you’re just some psychopathic killing machine and I should just-”

“Woah, woah, stop right there. While the ‘psychopathic’ part’s probably true at this point, I’m pretty sure nobody could mistake you for a flawless white knight anymore. You didn’t torture that Pinkie to death right?” he pauses for a moment, and I shake my head. “Well, you’re better off than, like, ninety-percent of the things I’ve known while I was part of the clan. The reason you’re not a monster is because you’re beating yourself up about this. And y’know what? That’s good. You ever stop feeling bad about just killing people close to you, or that you’ve learned so much about? Cut your throat, ‘cuz you’re a monster. Or, don’t. Monsters are useful, after all.” Clark reaches over, and pats me on the shoulder. “After all, I’ll heal from what Fluttershy did to me, and I’ll do everything in my power to help her feel better for injuring me, because I want to be the one handing out forgiveness. It gives me power. There, my mindset in a nutshell. You? You’re doing this because you haven’t broken and died inside yet. The longer you can avoid that, the better. Anyways, sleep well, Imma go and eat something tasty and sweet.” He licked his lips on the last word, and then spins on his heels and leaves.

...he does know that the cheapest and best sweets in this town are at Sugarcube Corner, right? Why’s he heading the opposite direction? Eh, he’ll figure it out later.

I start walking around town and something furry pushes itself into my hand like a cat that wants pettings. Looking down, I see one of the Pinkie clones. “We got everypony else feeling better. Yours is the last sad face we need to fix.”

“I may not be so easy.” I sit down on the damp ground and start petting the Pinkie, who seems to enjoy ear-scritchings as much as Twilight does.

“Well, we’re gonna have to try extra hard then. Come on girls!” I’m suddenly half-tackled by the other two Pinkies out of nowhere and they start tickling me.

“S- stop, that’s not... not fair! Lemme go!”

“Not until we see a smi~ile!”

“Augh, th- this is ch-cheating! No fair, I don’t know where- where your tickle spots a- are!”

“I could show you.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” The tickling resumes and it doesn’t take long before I start laughing.

“I give! I give, you win- hahahahahahahahaa- st- stop, please!” The Pinkies get off of me and I get a chance to catch my breath. “You’re a bunch of cheaters...”

“We just like to see you happy! It’s no fun if someone’s all frowny. Sure not everything’s okay, but it will get better, but only if you keep a positive attitude. We’re making sure everypony around is going to be okay. It’s kinda weird attending my own funeral in a way, but no weirder than there being fo- three of me. But that means we can spend three times as much time with everyone and still keep them all happy!” She gasps and grabs me. “I could throw a party in Cloudsdale, Manehattan, and Canterlot at the same time!”

“Cloudsdale? You can’t fly or walk on clouds, Pinkie. None of you can.”

A Pinkie gives me a playful glare. “Never underestimate the lengths Pinkie Pie won’t go to to throw a party.”

“Fine, fine, but one thing kinda bugs me. If Pinkie only has one room at Sugarcube Corner but there are three of you... who sleeps at the bakery and where do the others sleep?”

“Well, we take turns, but two of us sleep in the bed, and the third gets to sleep in the closet with the fluffy towels! I’m always so jealous when it’s not me.” The other two solemnly nod. “But we all sleep at the bakery!”

“I’ve actually tried sleeping in a closet before. Either the towels weren’t fluffy enough or it was the fact that I had to sleep curled in an uncomfortable ball in order to fit... but I prefer a bed.”

“Well, beds aren’t all bad I guess. They have plenty of uses...”

One Pinkie looks a bit confused and the other one says “Trampoline! But the last time we tried that, Mrs. Cake made us stop because we were making too much noise... So we do it when they’re out.”

“I kinda grew out of jumping on the bed when I was tall enough that when I tried, I hit my head on the ceiling.” I shrug and the Pinkies wince collectively, one of them muttering a sympathetic ‘owch’.

“Well... the ceiling’s pretty high in our room! You can jump there until the Cakes get back!”

I think about that. “Maybe another time. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Yeah! We’ll all be there, and don’t you be late!” One of the Pinkies immediately produces an invitation, listing the time, and the exact address of her bedroom. After handing it off, the Pinkies then high-fi- er, hoof each other and get going, giggling and looking just so happy.

Did I agree to something I didn’t intend to agree to?

Chapter 191

It seems that things are slowly getting better after that thing with me killing Pinkie. No, it’s okay... I’m gonna be okay.

“Hey, we haven’t really talked much. You’re looking less depressed. So did you really talk with the constellations? What did they say? Wh-” I cut off the tireless torrent of chatter.

“Shut up, Twilight.” I notice that the makeshift bandages are off and Twi’s neck isn’t bleeding or damaged. “I really don’t know why you think I want to talk to you.”

“Why? I... oh are you still on that? I mean, it was weeks ago. I get that you needed to vent and all but-”

“No, that wasn’t venting, that was trying to explain something to you, but clearly that didn’t help!”

“Anthony, I know you’ve been through a lot lately, everyone’s still a little on edge, let’s just calm down, okay?”

I glare at her. “You really don’t get why I hate you so much, do you?”

“Y- you don’t mean that, you’re just exaggerating-”

“Am I? Do you want the list?”

“List...? What list?”

It seems she’s expecting me to actually hand her a physical list. Sigh. “I hate you because of how goddamn perfect you are.”

“Wha- what does that even mean?”

“It means I’m sick of how privileged and supposedly flawless you are! You do nothing at all, but you act like you’re this big shot important person!”

“But-”

“You are a paid student! You don’t do any real work, for the community or yourself! You’re a layabout! You don’t make your own food, Spike does. You don’t clean your own house, Spike does. The only thing you do is shelve books and act as the librarian, two things you occasionally drop on others for them to do! And you get paid to do that by Celestia! You get money from the crown for sitting down all day and giving no contribution at all! Sure, I don’t work and I’m lazy, but I deal with being broke! If I need money, I get a job! But not you, you’re just given money! There are others who work more than you do but don’t make as much. Heck, I bet there are prostitutes that make less money for more work than you put in!”

“Surely you’re exaggerating. Prostitutes may not be rich, but they offer important services... for some ponies. I doubt that whatever Celestia gives me is anywhere near what any real, hardworking pony makes.”

“Actually, Honey Dip makes, like, a third your daily wage in a week, Twilight.” One of the Pinkies say, and I turn to see we have a bit of a crowd gathered. “And she’s, like, one of the biggest earners in town. She’s also the cheapest... No offense Honey!”

“None taken!” I hear a mare call from the crowd, seemingly happy for the plug.

I return attention to Twilight, who is blushing furiously. “I rest my case. And you know, that’s not the end of how overprivileged you are. You were born and raised in Canterlot. I doubt you’ve ever had any real money issues, considering you were able to attend the best school in the country until you moved out here. You’re still technically a student, so you’re not even an integral part of society. You just skated right by! You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and got everything else just as easily. And you are an asshole! You clearly only got any social skills by reading, and anyone who lived a normal life and then read those books knows how full of crap they are. Supposedly, you didn’t get any real social interaction until you came to Ponyville, and as a result your actions and morals are ambiguous at best! I know your OCPD pisses off more than just me, and you act like you can do whatever the fuck you want! And nobody corrects you! Whenever you say or do something questionable, everyone shrugs it off and leaves you alone even though it clearly ticks them off, but every -and I mean every- time I’ve ever tried to get you back to reality or try to explain something to you, you get all defensive, as if I’m the bad guy! I tried slapping you until half your face was a different color but you still don’t get it! If trying to convince you with facts doesn’t work, and beating you senseless doesn’t either, what does it take Twilight?” I pause to take a breath. “And you have had an absolutely perfect life on top of all of this! Life just handed itself to you on a silver platter! You never had parents that got divorced. You never had a sibling that hated you simply because you were born. You never had to depend on others in order to eat the next day. You’ve never wondered if you’d ever be able to live in your own home again! You just got to sit on your ass all your life and do whatever you wanted. You’re a parasite living off of association with your parents and the god-queen of the country! And whenever I try to snap you out of the idea that you can still get your way all the time in the real world, I’m at fault for it! You are so fucking smart that everyone believes you even if you are clearly spouting bullshit, telling people that I didn’t just leave, I died! That’s what you saw and therefore it’s a fact, and nothing is ever your fault and you are never wrong about anything, simply because you’re Twilight fucking Sparkle!”

Dead silence meets my ears, and Twilight looks too shocked to respond. In fact, all the ponies watching look shocked.

I turn to the crowd. “What, you all gonna crucify me for yelling at little-miss-perfect?” The ponies I’m facing collectively take a fearful step back. “I don’t really care what you do now Twilight, because I’m just done. I told you why once and I told you why again just now. If you still don’t get it... then that’s your fault.”

Twilight doesn’t respond, she just takes a short step back, then turns and runs away. I have a few more things I could say, but I think that’s enough for now.

I could also go and give Celestia hell for basically being an enabler of this behaviour and such... But I’d rather just stay here for today.

None of the ponies move or say anything, the other five Element Bearers clearly having a hard time deciding what to do. Screw this, I’m going back to sleep.

“So who’s gonna wake him?”

“I’m not gonna. What if he blows up or whatever again?”

“He wouldn’t do that, would he?”

“He said he hated Twilight... Like hate hate.”

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea after all.”

I sigh, giving up on trying to sleep through the chatter. “I’m up now. Whaddya want?”

The other Element Bearers go quiet and seem to be having trouble using their tongues correctly.

“D- did you mean all that stuff you said? Like, really mean it?” Fluttershy asks first.

“Look, sugarcoated lessons doesn’t get through to her any more than physical pain. If those two fail, I go with a ‘reason you suck’ speech. If that fails... well, my RYS speeches haven’t failed yet in my experience.”

“That really hurt her, you realize...” Rarity says, cautiously. “We don’t even know where she went. She didn’t tell Spikey, and she didn’t go to the library.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to get her to wake up and stop living like a child.”

“So... you just told her every single way she was flawed and said you hated her.”

“Not every way, but I didn’t make any of that up. She has been a pain in my neck for most of my time here acting like she’s the boss of me, pulling all kinds of garbage and acting like nothing is ever her fault and that all the problems are someone else’s fault.”

“She doesn’t...” Rainbow starts, rushing to defend Twilight, but realizing that, again, I’m right. “Okay yeah, but she isn’t that bad. She doesn’t make mistakes on purpose!”

“But she also doesn’t learn from those mistakes, and she lacks a certain level of empathic foresight. She assumed that, despite my multiple protests, that she should just turn me into a pony for a day without warning or asking. Want an example? What if Twilight thought that you would be so much happier as, say, a raccoon and just turned you into one while you were asleep after you told her many times you didn’t want that?”

“But raccoons are cool! They have thumbs.”

“Congratulations, Twilight has turned you into a raccoon. Until you turn back, nobody can understand a word you say aside from maybe Fluttershy, and you have no wings so you cannot fly. But you have thumbs...”

“Cool! I can do so many pranks with thumbs...” I facepalm, though it looks like everyone other than Rainbow understands what I was trying to say.

“Alright, different scenario. Twilight firmly believed I was dead and then started telling people I was, even though she had no real proof I wasn’t dead and simply asking Celestia would have let her know I was still alive. Instead, she just told people I was dead because... that’s what she thinks, and therefore is true until proven false.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s just ‘cuz nopony else knew what happened. She said you were yelling, then you looked like you blew up, and I think everypony else kinda assumed that means you actually did, and died.”

“Still, that isn’t all Twilight has done. Don’t tell me her constant scheduling obsession hasn’t gotten on anyone’s nerves but me. She does all kinds of things that just grate on me and I tell her what she’s doing wrong, and yet since I’m pointing out a flaw in her, I’m considered a jerk.” The semi-circle of ponies looks awkwardly away from me, not meeting my eyes. It seems they can’t disagree, even if they don’t want to agree, either. “Until Twilight realises how much of a jerk she is and grows up, she’s not going to change. And if it’s taken until just then to get her to realize that she has problems, she clearly can’t help herself and just talking to her doesn’t do a thing. She may not have officially lived in Canterlot for a long time now, but she acts like she’s still in a place where sitting around and reading rather than doing any real honest work is perfectly acceptable. She makes money for doing nothing and doesn’t see anything wrong with that. I find it a bad mindset that laziness is rewarded.”

Applejack shifts in place. “Ah guess Ah’ve been kinda jealous of her sometimes ‘cuz of that. I work the orchards ‘till I’m plum tuckered and the Apple family still don’t get a ton o’ money fer it...”

“Maybe Twilight doesn’t see how easy she has it, but that’s just from living in Canterlot for most of her life. She didn’t really experience anything, just read about it and seeing the world through the lens of words on a page may as well be a blindfold. I can’t fault her for the way she was raised, but I can fault her for acting as though the potential thoughts of others isn’t important if you think you are helping them. Causing someone misery while thinking you are helping is a sign of actual insanity, girls. I know Twilight is eccentric, but she’s not totally crazy so she has no reason to act the way she does. She doesn’t notice her shortcomings or mistakes, which means she will never learn from it, so she’ll just do it again. If nothing tells her what she’s doing is not okay, she’ll keep doing it. She’s smart, I’ll give her that, very very smart, but not exactly wise. She lacks foresight and insight and that does not help her live a social life, which is her entire goal for coming here, to be social and make friends.”

“So... you think she’s going back to Canterlot?”

“I don’t know, but right now that’s not the best place for her while she sorts herself out. The way I see it, she hasn’t lived a real life yet. She needs to find a place where she can’t just act however she wants. She has to deal with problems as they come, because she hasn’t had any real problems so far. Mistakes and adversaries yes, but real life-changing problems... I doubt that. She needs to learn to see things from more than just her perspective, and that takes empathy, which she seems to lack. She doesn’t think about other peoples thoughts and she doesn’t think about the negative consequences or implications of what she says or does and until she starts thinking ahead and considering others’ feelings she’s not going to change her ideal that if she sees something having a positive outcome, it’s the best thing to do. I’m not saying I’m better than her, I’m not. I’m saying that she has real issues to deal with and continuing with what she’s been doing will just make it worse for everyone. ”

“But... you really hurt her, you know?” a Pinkie says, sadly.

“Yeah, I know, but only through trial and error do we find strength and wisdom. You need to make mistakes and learn from them, and Twilight isn’t learning from her mistakes. When she does and she starts learning about life through experience, not books... I will welcome her back and we can try to start over. I was extremely harsh, yes, but I had to be or she wouldn’t have paid attention. This is a fact I have proven already. I hate what she does and how she acts, and that’s how you begin to hate someone personally. She’s not incorrigible, she can get better, but it’s not something that will be quick or easy or painless, but if she truly wants to be accepted then she’ll push herself through it no matter what. It’s up to her to choose her path, I just showed her that the path she’s on now is an easy one but not a good one. There’s a easy way to do things, and a right way to do them.”

“Ain’t that the truth!” Applejack exclaims, agreeing. “Last time Ah tried th’ easy way out of a mess... well, it jus’ got messier.”

The other Element Bearers agree with that, having similar experiences. “So, we let Twilight sort this out herself. She needs to think about herself, and if she decides we’re worth the difficulty she’ll go through... we’ll see her again, hopefully more considerate.”

“I hope we do see her again. She’s not perfect but... she does have her moments.” Rarity says. “But you are right that there are certain lessons I don’t believe she got to learn.”

I nod. “I hope we see her again too, for better rather than worse.”

A Nice Cream Dream

It’s been three days and Twilight still isn’t back yet. I was pretty hard on her, but then I can’t expect her to solve all her problems in under a week. It’s kind of mean to notice I guess, but so far with Twilight gone, Ponyville seems wholly unchanged, meaning Twilight really wasn’t that important. I didn’t want her to feel useless, I wanted her to realize she was just getting away with doing absolutely nothing for years on end, something impossible for most normal people to do if they want to live their lives.

I guess I took ‘tough love’ and made it ‘aggressive love’ though. I mean, yelling at her like that in front of everyone? I could have just taken her to her basement alone and talked about it but I just... exploded. I’m not quite sorry because I did mean all that I said, but... Maybe I’m sorry about my method of delivery. But she’s so difficult to talk to sometimes and get her to think about things. Well, at least she could be a lot worse, so I’m glad that she’s trying to fix this...

Assuming she is trying to fix this and isn’t planning on hurling herself off a building... Goddamnit, why didn’t I think of that?

Well, whatever happens, if she does do something, I’m pretty sure Celestia would find out pretty quickly and let me know. Probably before using my arms as kindling. And I guess if Twi killed herself I’d kind of deserve that.

But it was for her own good! There are very important lessons she still needs to learn and if she doesn’t, who knows what would have happened if she was moved to a place like Chickago? Sure I was really harsh, but other ways of getting her attention didn’t work. She needed something to throw her completely out of her comfort zone rather than trying to explain another perspective or beat the crap out of her...

I’m just gonna keep walking on the dark-grey morality line until the day I die, aren’t I?

I look around, realizing that the others have left. Oh well. Might as well find something to do. Let’s see, it’s Winter, raining, and there doesn’t seem to be much going on. “Ah, there you are! I’ve been looking for you!”

I turn and see Discord. “Hey there. Whatcha need?”

“I just came up with a brilliant plan should be a lot of fun, and won’t get me- us in trouble at all!”

“I’ve got bells on, man. What’s your trick?”

With a snap of his talon-fingers, Discord is in a light blue shirt with khaki pants and a big, brownish-black beard. One more snap and he’s holding a carton of some kind in his paw. “I give you, Nice Cream, a special frozen dessert you give to someone with a bug up their butt! One lick of this stuff and it’ll turn a jerk into a happy, friendly person! A little trick I thought would be interesting to try out. Of course finding someone to test it on is hard in this town. I was wondering if it might also get Twilight Sparkle to loosen up a bit. Say, where is she anyway?”

“She’s out of town trying to, uh... loosen up.”

“Well darn, who do we test it on?”

I shrug. “Diamond Tiara? She’s not as bad as she used to be but she’s still kind of a rich bitch.”

“That’s that little pink filly right? The ‘daddy’s little princess’ one?”

“Yeah, that’s her. Wanna use her?”

“Sure! She hasn’t really done anything that I could see, but something about her gets to me. She also looks kind of familiar somehow... oh well, let’s see what happens!”

Twelve minutes later and Discord and I are watching as Diamond and her gray tagalong are going around apologizing to everyone for every negative thing they ever thought about them. The visit with the Crusaders would be taking about an hour if the apologies weren’t strung together in one huge sentence of horrible nasty insults precedented by a billion words for ‘sorry’ like they swallowed a thesaurus each. Maybe they’re smarter than they let on.

The Crusaders seem beside themselves, unsure of what to do except wait for the torrential confessions and apologies are over, but I finally realize how much hell these three kids have been put through by their classmates. I mean, geez!

“AndI’msorryIblackmailedyouwhenIwaseditorinchiefandwhenIsaidyourfloatwasstupidandwhenItoldeveryoneatschoolyou-”

Scootaloo stands up, hooves coming off her ears and shoved into Diamond’s mouth “Shut up already!”

A muffled ‘okay’ comes from Tiara, but the gray one is still talking and so it takes Applebloom and Sweetie together to get her quiet. “Wow, I never thought that Diamond Tiara apologizing would be so annoying!”

“I can’t believe she’s even doing this.”

“Annoying or not, at least she isn’t picking on us anymore.”

“Whaddya think happened to ‘em?”

“Maybe they got a labotononomy or something.”

“Lobotomy.”

Well, I call this a total success, so Discord and I leave to find other people to make nice. One of the Pinkies shows up. “Heya! Whatcha doin’?”

“We made some special ice cream that makes people friendly.”

“Oooooooooh, can I try some?”

I look at Discord. “The way she already is, I don’t think it would do anything. I’d say it’s safe, how about you?”

Discord looks at the tub of Nice Cream and back to Pinkie. “I’m not sure. But what the heck?”

“Yay! Ice cream!” I give a scoop to Pinkie and she swallows it whole like everything else she eats. Does she even use her teeth? She’s also got a funny look on her face and her mane becomes kind of squarish and pointy. That must be one bad brain freeze-

“Ugh! This is the worst ice cream I’ve ever tasted!”

“Really? Sorry, Diamond Tiara thought it was great...”

“Probably because she doesn’t have any good taste. What did you put in this garbage? Garbage?”

“Uh... no. Discord just magick’d it up.”

“Magic it back then, who wants to try anything you made? Ugh, I can still taste it!”

“You seemed to like my snow cones.”

“Maybe I was just humoring you, stupid!”

Wh- what? I look at Discord. “What did you do?”

He shrugs. “Nothing I’m aware of. However, this seems like a friendship problem, so I’ll leave it to you. Tell me how it goes!” With that, he poofs away in a smoke cloud that smells like cotton candy.

Pinkie’s frown gets bigger. “Uh, that smells disgusting!”

“Pinkie Pie, you love cotton candy...”

“I don’t love anything! What are you still here for, a handout? Get a job you lazy monkey!”

“What?”

“Are you stupid and deaf? Beat it, loser!” Pinkie’s pointy, angular mane doesn’t even wobble or bounce as she stomps off. What just happened?

Oh no, the Nice Cream... it doesn’t make people nice in general, it flips their personality so that a jerk would be friendly, which means we just turned Pinkie Pie into Meanie Pie. And it doesn’t wear off until she digests the ice cream she ate. But that shouldn’t take long, Pinkie’s metabolism is higher than a hippie at Woodstock, so this will be over quickly... right?

Six overturned wagons, uncountable spilled cups of hot cocoa, and a now-candyless baby later, and Meanie Pie’s rampage of absolute-dickery continues unabated. Heck, she even whispered something to one of the other Pinkies that made the poor mare break down and cry like her eyes were a pair of fountains! She hasn’t stopped crying the whole time, and won’t even look at me!

Worse, Meanie Pie is making a slow, but steady arc towards the school, and will coincide with school getting out if I can’t find a way to distract or stall her at least ten, fifteen minutes.

And I have an idea. The ice cream just has to pass through her system quicker. Now the tricky parts are where do I get some prune juice right now and how am I going to get her to drink it?

Wait... I do know how to handle this, just gotta channel my own inner jerkass... “Hey Pinkie, you know what I hate? You! Yeah, whatcha gonna do about it?”

The pointy-maned Pinkie stops and turns. “What was that?”

“I said you suck harder than Vacuum Cleaner Kirby and are too much of a little bitch to do anything about it!”

Meanie goes total rage mode with now-firey eyes and literal steam coming out of her ears. And I think she might also be foaming at the mouth. Yikes. She charges at me and I barely manage to avoid a tackle. I look around, realizing I hadn’t quite thought of where to lead her...

But I gotta keep this up somehow. Wait... I can go intangible! Sparking up, I stand up from where I dodged. “That’s your best? I’ve seen a turtle walk faster with a limp!”

Meanie is beyond intelligible speech and is just screaming obscenities and a few words I assume are pony curse words.

I need more ammo, need to really get her steaming. Metaphorically. She’s literally steaming already. Wait... I do have more ammo.

“Come on, Pinkie, you don’t have any good retorts? All you can do is just scream? What a baby!”

Pinkie stomps the ground and grits her teeth. “Baby? You’re an idiot!”

“That’s the best you got? You couldn’t count to four without looking at your hooves!”

“That’s pretty funny coming from someone who looks like a demented monkey!”

A chorus of scared but interested “Oooooooooh”s come from a gathering crowd. Time to bring out the big guns. “I’ve been meaning to ask: Is that your face or did you block a kick?”

“There’s a train leaving in a few minutes, why don’t you be under it?”

“The closest thing you’ll ever get to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.”

“You couldn’t pour water out of a bucket with a hole in the bottom!”

“You’re so pathetic, if you had a dog it would probably rather play fetch by itself.”

“You smell so bad, skunks stay away from you!”

“I bet the only reason you aren’t in Hell is because Satan thinks it’s bad enough down there without you.”

“Huh? Who’s that?”

“You’re so stupid you forgot to reply with an insult so you lost!”

Meanie goes wide-eyed as she realizes her mistake. “I... I mean... you’re... you’re a, a...”

“Yes?”

“You’re a... you have a fat head!”

I roll my eyes. “Serrrrved! You lose, bitch.”

“No! I... I... I... Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!” Meanie goes to tackle me again but phases through me and slams her head into a house. It makes a nice hole in said wall, but Meanie doesn’t look too balanced anymore. I pick her up by the spiky-ish tail and hold her at arm’s length so her wildly swinging hooves can’t reach me. I ask for some rope and, when handed that and offered assistance, tie Meanie to a pole until she calms down.

After a while she falls asleep, tired of struggling and screaming. By the time she wakes up, her mane is back to ‘normal’. “Oh, I had the worst dream! I...” She looks down and realizes she’s still tied to the post. “Oh. Uh-oh...”

Sighing, I untie her and carry her to Sugarcube Corner. Mrs. Cake greets me. “Hello! Oh, has that one finally calmed down? Thank goodness, the mess she made of the kitchen... it was awful. Anyway, just take her to her room with the others.”

I carry the very saddened and apologetic Pinkie up to her room, where the other two are. One’s taking a nap, and the upset one is still crying, and gorging on ice cream. From a familiar-looking carton. Oh shit...

Chapter 193

I sit down in the park, not really having anything to do as usual. The week so far has been the most eventful this month... yet surprisingly the least destructive. I’m not exactly the kind to look for a fight, but I just kinda feel like, Idunno, punching something. Instead I’ll just sit here and wait for the universe to do whatever it will with me.

I’m shaken and wake up, realizing I must have fallen asleep from sheer boredom. “Hi RD. Whatcha need?”

“Actually, we think there’s something you need.”

Oh great, ponies thinking I need something. “I swear if this ends up to be some crazy animal you got me for a pet...”

Sudden pair of Pinkies in my face. “GASP, that’s a great idea! But in the meantime, we’ve got a different kinda present for you.”

“This isn’t going to be another one of those ‘Quarray-eels-in-a-can’ pranks, is it?”

One Pinkie seems to recall that and starts rolling around laughing. The other speaks. “No, hee hee, something better.”

I notice Applejack with them. “Okay, you I actually trust to give me a present with no strings attached. What is it?”

“Well, Anthony, we all gotcha this together.” AJ pulls out a simple brown box and hands it to me.

There’s a small bottle in it with no label and glass just barely opaque enough to prevent one from identifying the color of the liquid it contains. “You got me... beer? Thanks but I’ll just save this for anoth-”

“No, no, silly!” Pinkie says, one from my lap and the other from next to me. “It’s a potion!”

“And you are going to tell me what it does and why right? This isn’t some crazy aphrodisiac and part of one of your plans to get me in bed with a random mare, is it?”

“Hee hee, no. I’d never get you with a random mare.” I blink. “This potion will make you young again! We asked Zecora for it, because it sounds like you really needed a nicer childhood... even just a short one.”

“So this’ll what, turn me into a six year old? When I was six I still couldn’t tie my own shoes.” I look at Pinkie. “Nice gesture, and the idea of a redo on my inner kid sounds great and all, but I wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the tool shed when I was a rugrat.”

“No change there.” Rainbow Dash responds, shrugging. “Hey, not my fault you make it easy.”

“Go stick your wings in a blender. Anyways, so exactly how young will this make me?”

“Well, Anthony, it’ll just make you younger physically. Idunno if you can even make a youth potion for your noggin.” Pinkie says. “And besides, you’ll only be about... uhm... eight? I think that’s about it. And besides, I’ll be here if you need me, all day. It only lasts twelve hours, anyways, according to Zecora.”

“Well, if you guys think it’s safe...” I down the potion. “Gah! It tastes like... like...” I can only think of one taste combination equal to this thickish runny liquid. “expired coffee and dandelions...” all the ponies give me a half-cringe half-sympathetic look and I feel my body shifting. Not quite like it was when I was transforming back from a pony, but not entirely different.

I am getting noticeably smaller, though. Once the feeling of shrinking stops I open my eyes and realize my clothes didn’t exactly shrink with me so I untangle myself from my rather large shirt and get a look at myself. “Why? Why did I trust Rainbow Dash?”

“Awwww, you look adorable!”

I shift my hoof to my face. I’m not a kid, I’m a foal. “And whose bright idea was this? Rainbow, if you did this I’m going to wring your neck until-”

“Bahahahahahaaaa sorry sport, but with that squeaky voice you got, you aren’t exactly sounding very threatening.”

“Shut up!” She continues laughing. I sigh. “So I’m a foal. Now what?”

“Hey, Rainbow Dash, lookit this trick!” I hear a familiar voice from beyond the slight ring of adult ponies, and am treated to a sort of slow-motion crawl of a smaller pegasus flying off of a scooter and straight at me, likely due to snagging on something along the way.

Needless to say, my back hurts a bit and the tumble made me dizzy. “Ugh... nice ‘trick’. What’s your finale, throwing knives?”

“Tha- that’s a great idea, Anthony!” Scoots looks around for a moment, beaming, then gets a confused look on her face. “Wait, Anthony? Where are you? And why’s your voice so high?”

I wave my hoof in front of her face. “Yo, right here. I drank the worst potion imaginable and I’m a kid- foal for a while... not exactly what I was expecting.”

Scootaloo just seems to be looking right through me and shakes her head. “What was that? I uh... nevermind...” Slowly, very slowly, I see her fur poofing up as she stares.

“Uh huh... hey, you hurt your wings or something?” They’re sticking out from her sides like they do when she’s mad or something.

She looks back at her wings. “They don’t hurt but... won’t go down... oh whatever, not like they’re big enough to get in the way of anything...” I see RD covering her mouth and snickering at something, and AJ has her hat over her mouth.

I shrug. “Eh, who needs flying anyway? You do fine on that scooter.” I figure if she gets bummed any time she thinks of her ‘shortcomings’ she’s gonna need a lot of confidence boosts or she might end up emo.

“Th- thanks... So... What’s your plans for the day?”

“Hmmm... nothing reall-”

“Wanna hang out?”

“Uh, sure. Though I don’t have any money, not sure what the six of us could do...”

Rainbow interrupts. “Actually when we were done here I needed Pinkie’s help with something... yeah. So, we’ll uh, see you guys later.” Rainbow grabs one of the Pinkies by the tail and flies off at relatively low altitude, the Pinkie barely not touching the ground as they rocket off.

“Four of us, okay. So what’s-”

“Yeah, well, I, uh... Hey, I need ta borrow a Pinkie and get some bakin’ done. C’mon.” AJ simply walks over and picks up another Pinkie, throwing the smaller mare onto her back, and the cowpony trots off at a respectable speed.

The remaining Pinkie, looking a little panicked, heaves a big sigh, before shooting Scoots an indecipherable look. “Drat... At least one of me has to work today at Sugar Cube Corner... so I guess I’ll seeya later, Anthony. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t!”

“That doesn’t exactly cover much aside from blowing something up... intentionally.” But the Pinkie is already gone, leaving me and Scootaloo. “So, I don’t wanna just sit here all day. What do you wanna do?”

“Play wrestle?” came the reply sounding a little hesitant. Better than what I could come up with and I do feel like actually doing something physical.

We end up just kinda rolling around and jumping around. Y’know... as pointless as this is, I just don’t care. This feels great! Through total accident we end up rolling down a hill on our sides and I recall doing the same kind of thing when I was a kid back on Earth, just climbing up the hill, laying down and rolling down until I stop and seeing how easy it was to climb the hill again.

Since this is something Scootaloo had never thought of, we get to doing that and I actually feel really great. Life is pretty good. No real worry of monster attacks, the sun is shining brighter than I recall it ever has, and the grass is soft and wet from Winter mists.

In fact, everything looks and feels better. Like, colors pop more. Must be pony eyes, they said they had a color I couldn’t see, maybe their eyes are just more complex or something. Whatever the reason, I really don’t feel like I have to worry about a single thing.

When we reach the bottom of the hill for might be the twentieth time now, I’m well and truly dizzy, the sky kinda spinning, snow and clouds becoming impossible to differentiate. Luckily Scootaloo’s orange fur really pops out against the green and white so I use her as a temporary crutch until I can see straight, leaning on her as we go.

“That was fun... haven’t done that in so long. Man, I feel pretty great.”

Scootaloo just nods, panting along with me. “W- wow, never thought... rolling down a... hill... tires you out...”

I don’t really feel tired myself But... “Hey, wanna get something to eat? I’m starving.”

“Sure! Where you wanna go? I uh... I have some money but not much...”

“Same. As for where...” I look around the town looking so much larger now, but a lot more... I’m not sure... inviting? My eyes scan around and I recall the nearest establishments are The Frothy Mug or Sugar Cube Corner. Assuming we aren’t exactly drinking age, I decide against the bar.

So we head to the sweet shop and even though it’s middle of the Winter, we get some milkshakes. And again, no real explanation other than ‘Pony physiology’ here but I swear everything tastes sweeter too. And richer, as well. Like the sweets are more filling than even normal food would be.

The Pinkie who came to work here gives me an odd look like a mix between annoyed and happy. After a bit, the other three Crusaders show up and I wave to them. After a few confused double-takes and some clarification, they get that not only am I a pony but also a child this time.

“So what have you been up to, girls?”

“Well, we were looking for Scootaloo.”

“Ah, I’ve been with her for most of the afternoon, sorry.”

“Oh! Uh, well actually uh...” Sweetie seems like she’s having trouble talking.

Noi helps. “We were just wondering where Scootaloo was, because...”

“Her parents asked us where she was an’ so we told ‘em we’d look ‘round and so... found‘er!”

I shrug. “Oh well, if your parents want you you might as well go see them, don’t wanna make them wait or-”

“No! Uh... they didn’t need her for anything they...”

“They jus’ wanted to know where she was, she can stay!”

Okay then... “Well, I’m actually out of money, I’m not sure if I can get something for the five of us-”

“Oh, er... I... told Rarity I’d... help her organize her stuff?”

“An’ Applejack needed help... bakin’ somethin’?

Huh? “But, she already got one of the Pinkies to help with that.”

“Mom always says more hooves in the kitchen the better, hey, I’ll go help too!”

The three fillies seem to evaporate away, leaving Scootaloo and I alone again. “What’s eating them?”

“Oh, uhm... nothing.”

“Well if you’re sure they’re okay... So, if you don’t really need to check in with your parents or anything, whaddya wanna do now?”

So exhilarating! Up and down, up and down, back and forth, back and forth... Closing my eyes I let the tingly sensation flow through me as we keep going, Scootaloo’s excited squealing drowning out almost everything else, both of us mostly soaked, but this is a rush that’s practically alien to me and this is just awesome! Man, when Scootaloo said she wanted me to take her for a ride, I didn’t expect it to feel this good. Panting from the rush, I feel tired and yet so absolutely pumped right now. Ohhhh this is fantastic.

I haven’t been on a carnival ride for a lifetime! The fact that it’s raining isn’t really a big deal as my coat keeps me pretty warm, though the feeling of billions of water droplets hitting me every millisecond is an odd feeling, but not unwelcome. After what feels like forever of our little roller coaster car climbing and falling and jerking along its track, the ride starts to slow down and, a bit dizzy from the adrenaline rush, I get out, having to lean on Scootaloo for a few moments.

“Okay... I’m having Discord make a roller coaster for my birthday in a few months... That is too great to only happen once.”

“Glad you enjoyed it Anthony. Anyway, I think I might make a killing if I charge other kids for this!” Discord says, gleefully.

“What do you need money for?”

“Hmm, good point. Eh, well the kids’ll love me, that’s plenty of good karma points in my favor, right?”

“Yeah, sure. Anyway, have fun. And next time, try making a few more loops or something.”

“I don’t need advice on how to design a good time. Run along with your little friend... And good luck, you may need it!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ha! In that case I wish Scootaloo luck too. She may need it more.” With that he pops away. What was that about? Either way, Scoots and I continue walking. “So, today’s been probably the best I’ve had in... geez, I can barely remember! Still, thanks Scootaloo this is great!”

“Awesome! I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself and all.” She goes quiet. “Hey, can I ask you a question, Anthony?”

“Sure, whatcha need?”

She shifts a bit like she’s nervous. “I... Anthony, would you... be my very special somepony?”

Wha!? Waitamin- Oh god, she thinks this was a date! And... and it hits me that her puffing up wasn’t some weird condition, it’s... and all the times I’ve petted her and- this isn’t going to end well...

“Scootaloo, you are a great filly, and one of my best friends and all, y’know?” She looks at me happily and hugs me. This is going to fucking sting. “But I can’t. It has nothing to do with you, I just can’t... I mean, I’m glad we’re friends but I don’t feel the same and even if I did, I don’t even know how this could even work. I mean, it’s not that you’re too young it’s that you’re too little. And I don’t want to-”

Next thing I know I’m on my back, Scootaloo having pushed me over. She just stares at me, a hurt look in her eyes I’ve seen many times before. “I- I hate you!!”

She kicks me in the side, hurting my ribs rather effectively and runs off. Goddamnit...

I get back on my hooves with considerable abdominal pain and begin walking back... somewhere. I can’t believe I was such a moron, she’s not just idolizing me, she’s freaking in love with me, and I didn’t recognize any of her body language or- “Gah! I’m a total jackass!”

“Ouch, that must’ve hurt.” A random mare nearby says, looking in the direction Scootaloo ran.

“More than you can imagine, lady...” I sigh.

“What? No, I meant her. That poor tomcolt has been pining over that Anthony human for ages, and she finally opens up to you instead? That must’ve hurt, being dumped like that...” Well... thanks for the clarification, I guess. Now that I know she likes me it’s pretty obvious she’s been practically smitten with me since day freaking one!

“Yeah... I know. I get it, thanks for salting the wound. Think I don’t feel like a total bag of shit right now?”

“Watch your language, young mister!” The mare glares at me. “Or I’ll get your mom to wash your mouth out with soap!”

I stare hard at the mare looking her right in the eyes from my lower height. “If anyone could bring my mom back, I’d give up anything for her.” I walk off not really sure where I’m going, but the rain is certainly a lot more freezing and painful now.

Why am I such a moron? Why couldn’t I tell Scoots liked me like that? I kick my hoof at a rock and send it flying down the path. Today was going so well and then... then I had to fuck it all up. Why couldn’t I have just lied and said yes?

I sigh, knowing exactly why: When I finally did explain I wasn’t into her she might murder me. My chest still hurting, I lay down in the snow to numb it. With any luck, ponies will mistake my fur for a lump of bright-brown dirt and leave me here to freeze to death.

She opened her heart to me, got the guts to finally say she loved me, and I just go and break her heart without a second thought. She said she hated me... yeah, I’d hate me too. The Crusaders are probably going to kick me out now and Rainbow Dash will gut me like a fish and put my head on a spike.

Then again, why am I surprised? My childhood wasn’t exactly a smooth road anyway so why would a retry as another species change anything? With another heavy sigh I curl up into a ball and wait for the snow and rain to freeze me into an ice sculpture.

“Anthony? Omigosh, are you alright!?”

I groan, my body being dragged out from under a pile of snow by my tail. “That depends, am I finally dead yet?”

The Pinkie’s ears fold down. “Well, no. I- I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I heard what happened with Scootaloo...”

“Then would you kindly let me return to my planned demise? You’re kind of interrupting my meeting with Saint Peter, y’know.”

“Who?” She shakes her head. “No! Don’t do this, you’re overreacting!”

“I’m overreacting? Let’s see, I made one of my closest friends completely hate me after I broke her heart into a thousand-billion shreds, I’ve practically made Twilight run away with no way to find her, I’ve murdered one of my closest friends simply out of self-preservation, my attempt at another childhood went almost as awful as my old childhood went, and when this potion wears off, I’m going to return to being a feared or overidolized human who has to either wile away his days as a lazy bum or fight for his very life. I think the only way I’m overreacting here is because I’m willfully choosing a slow death.”

“Don’t say that, sure things aren’t very great right now, but it’ll get better, really!”

“How?”

“Well, nowhere to go but up from here, y’know? It couldn’t get much worse, could it?”

“Yes, yes it could.” She clearly isn’t pessimistic or cynical enough if she really thinks this is rock bottom.

“Come on Anthony, let’s go.”

“Nah, I’m good. Got a lot of freezing and dying to catch up on.”

Pinkie huffs and grabs me by the tail again and flips me onto her back. “You are not going to kill yourself, and things aren’t going to get worse. Now let’s get you inside, you are in serious need of cheering up!”

“Good luck trying.” Pinkie shakes her head as she continues on, taking me back to Sugarcube Corner. Once in the kitchen and placed in front of an oven to warm me up, I don’t feel much better. “Pinkie, I know you really don’t want me to kill myself and all but I really don’t think this day was good at all.”

“And tomorrow is another day. But until then, you are going to warm up and stay safe while I cheer you up.”

“Sorry Pinkie, I’m not really in the mood to be happy.” This concept is not as alien to her as I’d imagined, but she still isn’t just leaving me alone. “Look, I completely ruined her life just now. Scootaloo opened up to me and I shot her down. She was willing to take a risk, and I might as well have spat in her face in return. I’ve been an absolute jerk, and I can do nothing to change it. All I have to look forward to now is avoiding Scootaloo like the plague and hope she doesn’t want to kill me herself.”

Pinkie picks me up. “If you say one word about you deserving that-”

“You’ll what, sing a song? Bake a cake? Not all life’s problems can be fixed by parties, Pinkie. I’ve fucked up big time and I can’t just make this better. Even if I got Scoots to somehow forget this day happened, she’d just confess later and we’d be right back here. It had to happen. I’m sorry Pinkie, but you can’t just fix a broken heart in a couple of days.”

Pinkie sets me down. “I just... why do you act like you enjoy being miserable or somthing?”

“I’m just used to it so I’m waiting it out. I’ll have more chances to screw up again later.”

“Stop this, Anthony. Being like this isn’t helpful and it’s starting to get annoying. Cheer up, it’s not the end of the world.”

I give her a look. “And that means there’s still time for things to get worse.”

Pinkie huffs and turns away. “I’m not leaving this bakery until you stop acting all... frowny. I’m going to cheer you up somehow and you’re not going to stop me.”

“Like I’d bother trying?” She walks off and comes back with a crayon and some paper. “And exactly what am I going to use those for without thumbs?”

She places the sheet of paper in front of me. “You’re smart, you’ll figure something out. Anyway, I want you to make a list of all the really bad stuff that happened to you-”

“Gonna need a lot more paper.”

“-today, specifically. All the bad stuff that happened today and today only.”

I roll my eyes and decide to humor her. With a bit of difficulty I manage to pick up the crayon with my teeth. And it has a flavor. Strawberry, because it’s red. Only Pinkie Pie would have flavored art utensils...

Let’s see, I broke Scootaloo’s heart and got her to absolutely hate me... and... uh... huh.

“Okay you made a point,” I say, spitting out the crayon. Flavored or not I doubt they’re exactly edible. “But it’s more than just today! I mean... I got a second chance today. I got another attempt at being a kid, before the world wanted to squash me like a bug then roast me with a magnifying glass... and I botched it. I had a great time, and then everything just fell apart. Like always. I want to be happy, but all the shit life puts me through... it’s kind of hard to always be happy.”

“But... when you were first here, you were all jokey and happy and smiling and-”

“I figured that with a total change in scenery and culture, maybe things had changed, but the universe clearly wasn’t done with me yet. I know I don’t have it worse than others. I know life has been worse to way more people than me and there are lots of things I’ve been gifted by fate over the years but... it doesn’t seem to last.”

“But it’s not supposed to, Anthony. That’s why we like being happy so much, because we can’t always be happy. I mean, I’d like to try having a party last forever, but if I did then the fun would get boring.”

“Yeah, I know we need the pitfalls in order to enjoy the good parts, but it seems like I’m doing all the wrong things to make myself happy.” I pause but my brain shoves a thought out of my mouth. “Do you think I should have said yes? Do you think I should have wanted to be Scootaloo’s boyfriend?”

“Well...” Pinkie seems to be having difficulty answering. “Idunno. I mean, I guess you would be lying and that would have been even worse, but maybe if you stuck with it... maybe you might’ve liked her back?”

“Yeah, maybe. But too late now. That bridge was burned when she pushed me over and kicked me.”

“Yeah, that was a little harsh...”

“No, I deserved it. I didn’t even know but I was leading her on from, like, day one. Now I see all her kind-of-odd behavior and trying to be important or tough for me. I get it now that she was in love with me but wouldn’t say it. All the Crusaders knew and I was a blind idiot and just thinking they were acting weird when they’ve been trying to push us together... but I already have enough love issues on top of everything else. I didn’t understand body language and she probably thought I knew what she was doing... I am such a tool.”

“Well, forgetting all that, how was your day?”

I think. “Actually... it was pretty nice. I had a lot of fun today really. I just can’t really have fun without stepping in it big-time anymore it seems.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Yeah? How can I magically make myself immune to things like depression?”

“You can’t... but you have friends you can lean on when things get bad.”

“Except in the past week alone I’ve botched up two friendships already-”

“And made plenty more than you’ve lost since you got here.” She scooches closer and hugs me, which honestly feels really really nice. “Some days are dark and lonely and maybe you’ll feel sad, but Pinkie will be there to show you that it isn’t that bad...”

“Where’d you come up with that?”

“Oh a few years ago... and it’s true. You may be going through a lot and even more as time passes, but I’m not going to give up on you and let you wallow in your depression. And neither is anypony else.”

“Yeah well, easy for you to say.”

“Just let us try, alright? That’s the least you can do, and if I know anything about you, it’s that you always try to do more than the bare minimum.”

“I guess.” Pinkie just continues holding me and resumes her song, but just humming it. Though I don’t have any clue what the lyrics could be... it makes me feel a little better. So much stuff going wrong... well as long as Pinkie’s right, I might as well just try pushing forward.

A New Role To Play

Although Pinkie feels really nice to hug and she’s got a nice singing voice, it only helps a little bit. “I know you want me to be happy and all, but at the end of the day... all my problems stem from the fact that I’m me. I know a lot of people have said stuff about not wanting to be born and I think that’s pretty stupid. I think I’d rather just like to be someone else.”

Pinkie looks thoughtful for a moment then gets her ‘brilliant idea that may end in tears’ face. “Stay right here and I’ll be back in a flash!” with that, she dashes out the front door of the bakery.

A few minutes later, Pinkie hops back inside along with the other Element Bearers minus Twilight of course, Spike, Clark, and another Pinkie. What exactly everyone needs to be here for exactly is still a mystery. “So what are we doing?”

The group turns and looks down at me, reminding me of just how freaking small young ponies are.

“Oh my- you’re simply adorable!” The thrilled shriek in Rarity’s voice is more grating than usual, but the sudden hug is... Well, Rarity is apparently athletic, because I’m kinda being crushed by her musculature here.

“Urk- Yeah, h- hi.” I’d always imagined she’d be more soft or something. “Let me go now?”

“Oh, so sorry dear. And may I ask who the little gentlecolt is?” Rarity asks, looking up at a Pinkie. “Is he getting a special party?”

Are these ponies stupid or something? I checked my reflection in a half-frozen pond. I look exactly like I did as an earth pony but smaller. “Uh, hello? We meet like once a week at the least often? I also recall you not only seeing me as a pony before, but also making me a set of clothes and you thought I was dating Pinkie Pie.” I wave my hooves in front of her. “Ring any bells?”

Rarity looks down at me, seeming a bit shocked. “Wait... Anthony? I thought Twilight was still missing.”

“She is. Zecora whipped up a potion to make me a kid again. Didn’t exactly mention it would make me a pony kid.”

AJ rubs the back of her neck. “We, ah, fergot ta mention who it was for.”

Dash chuckles. “But he is pretty cute, in a little-colt way.” She nudges me on the shoulder with a hoof.

“I’m not cute!” Of course, this is undermined by the fact that my voice is a lot higher than usual given the current size of my vocal chords.

Everyone in the room, even Clark -the traitor- and Fluttershy chuckle, and most of the mares here make ‘d’aahw’ noises at me.

“Dammit, this isn’t funny!” At that, I’m glomped by both Pinkies and Fluttershy. “Lemme go, I’m not cute!”

“You’re adorable!” Fluttershy agrees, snuggling me.

As soft and awesome a feeling as this is, the vice-grip she’s applying is stronger than both Pinkies’ combined and I need to get away before my ribcage is merged with my vitals. I’m a pony, but... Actually, this is surprisingly more comfortable than I thought at first.

“Alright, enough!” Seriously, I doubt this is the reason everyone is here in the first place. With significantly more effort than it usually takes, I manage to Spark Up and, as if I’m slogging through molasses the whole way, phase my way out of the trio of hug-happy ponies.

After some further work to escape the mares, I finally get an explanation of what’s going on; Pinkie has gathered us to play a bigger game of Ogres and Oubliettes. Wait, when I said I wanted to be someone else... okay, that’s a pretty clever idea. Point one for Pinkie Pie, you win this round. “Okay, so I guess Clark is GMing? That’s something he and I agreed on a while back.”

“Yupperoonie!” the Pinkies chime in chorus. “And he said to make fifth-level characters,” one continues “so we can survive. He even wrote his own monster manual!” Sure enough, Clark pulls out a journal, inside of which is his dense, scrawling handwriting.

“Works for me. Seriously, for living in a world where dragons, hydras, and now actual hellbeasts live, your fictional monsters are super lame. Time to show you guys what a game like this becomes with some human influence.” I grin. I may be small, but my gaming sensibilities are still all here. Foal or not, I can handle this. “So, character selection first. Do we all pick our own separately and have them be a surprise or decide as a group?”

“Everyone’s going to make their own characters. I’d suggest you play to your strengths, because this is going to be a brutal game. I’m patterning this off the Cavern of the Lost campaign. Assuming you make it to the end, it should take about six months of a game a week.”

“Gotcha. Well, guess I’m going with... hold on I need a ‘class/race’ guide.” This is gonna be great.

After a bit of prep, everyone’s got a race and class.

Fluttershy has made herself a ‘Savior’ class as a Deer, basically like a healing-centered cleric or druid.

For whatever reason, Rainbow Dash has spent almost all of her stat points on her Charisma, even though she’s playing what’s basically a fighter. I think she might be mistaking this for a Daring Do book, which might make her significantly less than useful most of the time. She’s even playing as a pegasus.

One of the Pinkies is going to be helping Clark, while the other is a Bard, the other class I was looking at maybe playing. Glad we didn’t accidentally overlap. Unlike the DnD 3.5 Bard, the pony version is a lot more versatile.

Rarity is playing a noblepony Swashbuckler, and has a Charisma perfectly matched to RD’s character’s. At the least, though, the Swashbuckler gets a couple of bonuses from high charisma, so I can let that pass.

Thankfully, we’re not without a decent spellcaster. Applejack has decided on playing an Archmage, the wizard-equivalent class. Unfortunately, she chose to have superior Strength rather than Intelligence... because reasons, I guess. Either way, she’s playing a unicorn.

Spike has decided to play a unicorn Knight, and decided to play up the ‘gallant’ part of the common cliche by having a ridiculous Charisma stat. Sadly, he’s one of the best-rounded of the characters, because Knights are basically combat-focused paladins.

I’m what they call a ‘Scoundrel’ which is essentially a thief type with more focus on verbal dealings and scamming and pickpocketing than the sneak-and-stab kind. No matter, seems I’m not prevented from doing any assassination-type stuff either. Of course I go with a Kobold, because thumbs boost dexterity without taking away from any speed or maneuverability I’ll need.

In other words, our party has no balance, and we’re all going to die. Ah well, it’ll be fun.

“I think everyone’s ready... so let’s start.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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This tale, as many of its kind, starts in a tavern, where several intrepid heroes have met up for drinks, and to discuss their next adventure.

Gandaliel, the Savior, bears her healing staff, a potent artifact from her homelands. She sits in the corner of the table as the Adventurer, Dash Amazing- Nope, can’t say that with a straight face. As the Adventurer and the Archmage, Gildenmane, argue about the specifics of magical versus mundane combat nearer to the door, the party’s Bard, Pinkasel the Brave, puts on a show with her +1 Banjo of Playing, a magical device of her own creation.

I’m going to bar the magical item creation rules in the next game, by the way, that banjo is just not right, Pinkie.

Meanwhile, the Knight, Sir Spi- wait, this just your name, Spike. You sure you don’t want help coming up with a different one? Alright, fine. -continues to provide the Swashbuckling Lady Dame Benign with more personal service than is strictly required, even by Knightly code.

It’s at this point that the group is joined by their newest member, Zilferen the Sly, a Scoundrel of some renown. He takes his place, carrying the map he’d 'acquired' leading to a supposed treasure trove.

I sit down at the table taking the last seat available. “So this map says there’s something important hiding in some sort of cave or temple or forest, and it’s either right outside this town, literally, or on the other side of the country. Whoever drew this up was clearly mad.”

“Or drunk.” Dash counters.

Pinkasel comes over to the table. “Methinks it may be both.”

C’mon guys, I didn’t draw that badly, did I? It’s a day away, under the ruined citadel. Jeez, I try to make some half-decent props...

I roll up the map and stash it away. “Whatever deficiency the sod suffers from, I’m not one to pass up a chance to get rich. Now I suggest we leave soon. Our little group doesn’t exactly blend in, and the more attention we attract, the more likely it is that others will find out about the map, and I’d rather not share any more than I already am...” I keep my voice down as I relay my worry. True there’s almost nobody else around, but caution is a virtue.

Dash and Dame Benign both nod, Gildenmane immediately moving to the door. Spike and Pinkasel are the next two, with me watching the rear as the Adventurer and Swashbuckler carry their own gear out as well.

I habitually check the numerous pockets and straps on my person to make sure I haven’t ‘lost’ anything. As we walk, I see the Knight and Swashbuckler do the same.

Alright, lemme get a roll here... okay, you’re walking-slash-trotting down the road, the sun gleaming as it nears evening. With the forest on your left and the mountains and cliffs to your right, it’d be a claustrophobic setting if the road were not so wide.

As you travel along, you get the sense that you’re being watched, and you all find yourselves checking your weapons and aligning your armor.

Also, there’s a pit in the road. Everyone make a reflex check, now!

Luckily, since I put a lot of effort in enhancing my agility, my foot hits the edge of the pit and I use it as a slight kick-off and hop over the pit. I watch as Spike and Gildenmane fall in, the others managing to clamber out.

*sigh* Warrior types...

As you each recover, a horde of Bandits come forth, looking far too smug to have been waiting for just any travelers. They sneer at you, but move aside as a large, powerfully-built Minotaur in heavy armor steps forth. Judging by the number of trophies and the quality of the armor, your guess is that this is either the leader or the second in command.

I walk over and address the heavily-armored bandit. “Very good try! I admire how well you camouflaged it, but if you really wanted to trap someone, you should put more effort into making it bigger or at least deeper. But overall not bad, I can tell you put a lot of effort into that one. If I had to make one other suggestion, I’d say put some sharp rocks at the bottom. Falling on those would hurt quite a bit.”

“Ha, you presume too much,” the large brigand declares, “But we are not here for you, kobold. We seek the Dame Benign, for that is who we’ve been hired to... collect.” The other bandits grin and cheer, the motley group of bipeds and equines looking very assured of themselves.

Rarity, you’re the only one who chose to play a noble in game. The only other person they could be after is Gildenmane for being an Archmage.

I’m definitely not skilled enough to take this many of them head-on. Doubtful I could even take two in such conditions. I shrug and step aside, keeping away from the combat. Wouldn’t want to get injured from a fight that isn’t mine.

“Don’t worry, R- uh, Dame Benign, I’ll save you!” yells the Knight, from the bottom of the pit.

Dame Benign, being a fully capable hero on her own, draws her slender, masterwork Earth-Forged bla- How the heck did you afford that?! Oh, I see, you’ve got no other items with real value, got it. Earth-Forged blade, and prepares it for battle. The Minotaur laughs, and prepares his own weapon, a massive war-axe.

I watch as the knight tries to clamber his way out of the hole and failing, requiring assistance to get back on the path. With a glimmer of light, he’s given that extra help, Gildenmane using a self-flight spell, and then carrying the fully armored kni- I need to rebuild this game when I have some free time, this is feeling entirely too much like second ed to me -knight to the surface.

I pull out a dagger and begin whetting it on a nearby stone. It’s gotten a little dull from lack of use.

Rarity, calling duels in real life will not solve your in-game problems. Anthony will act when he’s ready.

The party -minus myself of course- prepare for battle, and the Minotaur grins wickedly. He appears so confident, he waves back the other bandits, who form a large semicircle, trapping the group with the cliffs at their backs. During the pre-fight posturing, the Minotaur slowly circles around the mares, doe and stallion, my presence basically forgotten or dismissed.

I watch as my entourage of helpers ready their various weapons, as if they could take on this minotaur and his cohorts by themselves. Once the leader goes down, the others will either run, or attack en masse. I begin looking around at the plants and find some leaves I start rolling around my finger out of boredom.

Rarity, I just told you not to challenge him to a real-life duel. Trying again with the other shoes won’t change anything, because according to the wording of the law, I’m his legal guardian until he’s an adult again.

The beefy minotaur bandit makes two swift swings, defying the common misconception that minotaurs are large and slow. Immediately, he switches to a defensive stance, blocking the flurry of strikes from Dame Benign.

I begin using the leaf-tube as a flute-like object, seeing if I can make a noise by blowing in it. A few simple notes come forth as the sticky leaves stick into a long tube-shape.

The minotaur, working on beating the rest of the group, does not react. AJ, I need a Survive Grievous Wounds check; high strength or not, mages really aren’t meant to be primary attackers.

The Archmage, having attempted to brawl the minotaur in one-on-one combat, slumps to the side, injured, as the bard continues to play ‘inspiring’ music.

I pull out a flask from one of my pouches. An inscription scratched into the flask marks it as ‘ale’.

Rarity, calm down. Your character still has three HP left, and the minotaur’s doing subdural damage now. No, I’m not going to duel you either. It’s your fault for choosing to play a noble lady of the realm.

Anyways, the minotaur is no longer using his powerful, cleaving attacks, and has switched to a club, bludgeoning much of the party into submission. Only the Savior, the Bard, the Swashbuckler, and the Scoundrel are currently standing.

“Ha, you were fools to think you could match my might! I am the strongest creature in these lands, that is a fact!”

I roll my eyes at the boasting and, dipping a small needle in my ‘ale’ flask, launch it at the minotaur’s neck through my blowdart gun.

“I am invincible, I feel no pain!” Yeah, that’s obvious, I’ve got three darts in him already, and he hasn’t even noticed. “There will be... be no... I uh... whoo... it’s really hot out here, isn’t it?”

The minotaur (through about six failed constitution checks) collapses, and begins snoring. Even if it won’t kill him, it’ll certainly keep him out for a while.

In the meantime, the bandits appear to be rather shocked at their leader going down so quickly, and many of them turn and run, only a few remembering that they outnumber the group. Thankfully, that fact is no longer true by the time they realize the rest have left, and flee as well. Around eight of them are carrying their boss as well, and looking like they’re about to collapse from the bulk.

I stand up, putting the flask and blowgun in separate pouches. “And that’s how you beat a musclebound lummox.”

Alright, I think this is a good stopping place, assuming you all set up camp to rest and all that. We’ll pick this up next week, then?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stretch my small body as I lay on the floor of the bakery, feeling pretty damn proud of myself. “Still up for that duel Rarity?”

“Oh, nevermind on that, you... you...” her face cracks into a grin, and she chuckles. “You scoundrel, you.” She reaches out, and I’m unable to scramble back in time to avoid another soul-and-bone crushing hug. Damn, at least Fluttershy and Pinkie are comfy to get hugged by...

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. You guys will get better with practice. As long as you play to your strengths... Pinkie, we’re done playing, you can stop singing. Bards don’t even have to sing IRL.”

“But I like singing! And besides, I wasn’t playing the bard, I was helping Clark!” The Pinkie I addressed says, then goes back to humming gently. Fluttershy starts humming along as well.

“Whatever. So, I hope you all learned something about how to play Roleplaying games. I’m actuall-” a tremendous yawn racks my body. “Actually kinda tired now...”

“Hey, uh, Anthony?” Spike steps closer, looking a little hesitant.

“Yeah, whatcha need, dude?”

“Uhm... it’s really, really quiet in the library at night, and, uh... I’m not saying I get afraid or anything, but... I’d, uhm, feel better if you could come and sleep back at the library again, if that’s alright?”

I grin at Spike’s thinly veiled fear of loneliness, though I admit being totally alone is the worst feeling ever, so I take sympathy on the dragon. “No problem.”

The walk back to the library is surprising on multiple levels. For one, it seems to take a lot longer, but it’s also a less tiring journey. Once we get inside we head to our respective beds. Man, I’m so tired, the second I hit my pillow I feel like I could just cras-

Chapter 195

I wake up, stretching my arms and noting that the potion did indeed wear off during the night. Aside from the deal of ruining Scootaloo’s life and nobody taking me seriously as a foal... it wasn’t that bad, I might do it again.

With another stretch I leave my room and get a shower going. I haven’t had one in a few days after all. Once my shower is taken care of and I dry off with the incredibly-small pony sized towels, I head for Twi’s room to get her up and- oh... right. Eh whatever, I’m hungry.

Coming down the stairs, I see Spike sitting at the table and poking at a piece of toast. He looks pretty bummed...

“Hey. What’s with you up so early? You know that you can sleep in since Twilight’s not around.”

He sighs and stabs the toast with a claw and uses it like a knife and fork. “I know, I just... don’t wanna get in the habit and all.” I can tell he’s not even trying to hide that lie. “Hey Anthony?”

“Need something, buddy?”

“Uh... well I was wondering if you knew where Twilight went.”

I shrug. “No sure idea, but a few places come to mind.”

Spike starts kneading his tail in his hands. “So if we just happened to go there... you think we might find her? I mean, not like I’m saying we have to, I can take care of myself and all that... just wondering.”

“Spike, do you want to go see if we can find Twilight?”

“Can we try and convince her to come back too- I mean, uh... maybe...”

Okay, I have to admit that’s one of the best ideas I’ve heard from him. “Well, I guess that we could try, though coming back will still be up to her.”

Spike seems a bit nonplussed at this, but nods. “So could we go now?”

“Let me get something to eat then we’ll go see Celly. Twilight’s likely to go there first if you ask me.” Spike agrees and he looks a bit better. I guess from a certain perspective Twilight is Spike’s mom and all. Never thought how hard the little guy would take it. Well, he’s doing better than I did when I went through it.

After breakfast, Spike and I head for the train station. After an hour or so of waiting for the train to Canterlot to arrive, we get on along with a few ponies who seem to be heading to Canterlot as well. The ride itself is rather uneventful, but we’re making good time up the mountain and soon enough we’re off the train and walking through the city proper.

I get the usual double-takes from the Canterlotians but I don’t draw much attention otherwise as we head for the castle. Getting there isn’t a problem at all but as we walk towards the throne room, I notice a large line of ponies that are neither servants or guards, meaning everyone here is in line and waiting for their turn with the princess.

“We really should just get in line...” Spike says as I Spark up to walk through the crowd.

“Oh fine.” I power down and sit down on the floor as I wait.

...the main problem is that there’s no way to gauge how long this will actually take. Some ponies go in and come out a few minutes later while others seem to take half an hour each. I understood that Celestia does a lot more than the fairytale princess type stuff but... I look ahead at the line ahead of me and the growing one behind. Half of these ponies look perfectly capable of just making their problems go away by throwing enough money at it, so what do they need help with that requires royal assistance?

Heck, some of these guys look outfitted to be royalty themselves in the first place, what a bunch of whiners! Credit where it’s due: If I was in Celestia’s position, I’d start screening them and roasting all the bratty imbeciles.

After a few ice ages, it’s finally our turn and Celestia actually looks a bit relieved, like she’s hoping I’m here to cause a disaster and make everyone else run away. As fun as it is making a scene and scaring the literal shit out of Canterlot, Twilight’s a bit more important.

“Hello Spike, Hello Anthony. Can I help you with something?”

“Nah, we’re just here to pick up Twilight.”

Celestia looks a bit confused. “Pick her up? She... isn’t with you?”

“No, I figured that it’s been a week since she ran off she must have been here.”

“She’s been missing for a week and you didn’t tell me!?” Celestia looks like she’s starting to freak out.

“No, because I figured she’d come see you. You’re practically her mom the way she talks about you!”

Celestia blushes. “Okay, point taken, but this really is bad. Especially considering she didn’t come see me about... what exactly happened, anyway? Why would she run away?”

I sigh. “I... kinda got a bit tired of her and pointed out almost all of her major flaws in front of the entire town and she just sorta... broke. She ran off without telling anyone where she was going. It’s been a week and we’re worried about her, especially since we now have no idea where she might go.”

Celestia nods. “I’m aware that Twilight has never taken the idea of failure lightly, and while she does have some... quirks, I fear that unloading on her like that and pointing out all of her shortcomings at once might have been too much for her.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of stuff. I meant it and I’m not taking back anything I said, but I do think I went a little too far.”

Celestia looks a bit pensive. “And what exactly did you say?”

I relay most of what I said, not leaving out any insults aimed directly at her as that is probably really why she ran off.

Celestia just seems to lose more and more of her ‘emotional mask’ as I continue with my recollection, becoming worried, her mane not doing that majestic ‘flow like a banner in the breeze’ thing by the time I finish, her expression clearly worried. “You said you... hated her, right?”

“Well... yeah. I mean I don’t hate everything about her, but... yeah.”

“This isn’t good. I honestly have no idea what she did in response, but I can make a good suggestion as to what she heard. I think she may have taken your words as... more than just words. See, in her mind, she might read the fact that someone hating her would mean she failed some aspect of making friends and... well, her rather overactive tendencies when the possibility of ‘failing’ is present has led to some very... difficult matters. But if she takes everything you said, as a whole, to heart... it’s likely that the results of her reaction will be... self-destructive.”

“Wait, you’re telling me that you think Twilight might actually kill herself just because I-” With the hard, dead serious look Celestia is giving me, I get it. “Okay, so the plan is to find Twilight and hope that she hasn’t spent the last week attempting suicide.”

Celestia nods, and Spike has my leg in a vicegrip, clearly scared. Celestia stands up, but lets out a heavy sigh. “I’d like to come with you as this is something that I’d also like a personal hoof in, but I can’t leave.”

I’m about to ask why, when the door to the throne room is knocked on and a snobby ‘Hurry up in there!’ comes from the other end.

The princess rolls her eyes. “I decided to perhaps lighten my daily load by having a sort of... well... All the ponies who need something from me can come by and explain their problems or desires... I didn’t realize that making it only ten days a month when this can be done was a terrible mistake. I’ll have to help the rest of my ponies, but good luck. Twilight, though stubborn at times, can be... delicate.”

Spike, still clinging to me for dear life, looks really terrified and I walk out, being mindful of the dragon latched onto me. As I exit the throne room, I pass by the impatient mare. “Finally! You sure like to waste everypony’s time with trivial-” I lump the mare on the head with a fist and continue on, the mare throwing a bitch-fit. But Celestia seems to give my response a pass and I’m free to leave.

Once outside the castle, Spike tentatively uncurls from my leg, shaking a bit. “So, where would Twilight go?”

“I’m... not sure. You know her better than anyone in Ponyville, I’ve only known her a few years. What do you think she’d do?” I respond.

Spike seems a little out of it, but gives a suggestion. “Bookstore? I mean, I know that sounds kinda vague, but I doubt she’d really go anywhere other than Canterlot... or maybe the Crystal Empire.”

“Crystal what?”

“The Crystal- oh yeah, you weren’t there ‘cuz of the poison stuff. Anyway, she might have gone there to be with Shining Armor and Cadence.”

“Cadence is at the Crystal Empire? Why?”

Spike sighs. “I’ll explain later, I’m gonna send them a letter. In the meantime, we can check Canterlot.”

“Right... uh... I don’t have paper or a quill.”

Spike groans. “I left my stuff at the library, come on, let’s see if we can’t buy some.”

Once we have an entire writing set, because Canterlot is too ‘business centered’ to just sell individual supplies, Spike writes down the letter and sends it off before turning to me. “Okay, she has two favorite bookstores around here. Assuming they haven’t been bought out in the last year or so, they should still be around here.”

I nod and Spike gives me directions as I carry him along. The first one Spike directed me to seemed to have been jinxed and was now some sort of ‘Oceanic Sundries’ type place. The second one is still a bookstore, and though the owner is not only the same and recalls Twilight, he hasn’t seen her in about seven months.

Spike thinks hard. “The castle library?”

“Why didn’t you suggest that when we were at the castle?”

“Because I’m panicking right now, alright!?”

“Chill, Spike. We’re gonna find her.”

“I’m sorry, but I just have this... bad feeling in my gut, like she might’ve already-” with a fiery burp, Spike spits out the response letter. Cadence and Shining Armor haven’t heard from her in three weeks, and if she was there she’d have sent something in advance.

I shake my head. “This doesn’t mean anything other than she isn’t in the Crystal Kingdom or whatever. She’s probably still alive, now let’s head for the castle again.”

The Castle library and it’s various wings and connected rooms have no sign of Twilight, and Spike suggests probably the dumbest place yet as we’re walking along the streets of Canterlot once more.

“A doughnut shop? Really?”

“Hey, Pony Joe’s is great! Plus he’s a good friend of ours, it’s possible.”

“Well, the idea that she’s gorging herself on doughnuts is better than her offing herself, fine, where is it?”

Spike looks around for a bit. “Uh, just a few blocks from here then take a left and another left.”

Following his instructions, Spike and I end up in front of a doughnut place, made easily noticed by the giant doughnut on top of it.

Walking in, the stallion behind the counter greets us happily. “Hey there! Well, hiya Spike. Whatcha doing here?”

“We’re looking for Twilight, actually. Have you seen her?”

“Yeah, but that was, like a week ago or something. She came by looking like somepony just kicked her puppy or something and got her usual ‘maybe failed a test’ order then left. Poor kid looked awful, but she wasn’t really talking much, just kinda drooping over her coffee. You check the castle?”

“Yeah, first and third place we looked, no sign of her.” Spike says, looking down at his feet. “This was our last chance.”

Pony Joe shrugs. “Well, when you find her, let me know. Never seen that mare so depressed before. She looked like most ponies do when they’ve decided to just give up and go home.”

Home! Spike and I look at each other, clearly having the same thought. She might have at least told her parents. They should know where she went. Rushing out the door of the restaurant, we make our way to her parents’ house.

We get there and rush in the door without knocking. I haven’t really seen much of the house, so I just head for the living room. When I walk in, I see Twi’s mom and dad looking very upset. Stars looks at me in the way only a mom can, glaring into my soul, she manages to make her next sentence a deadly threat.

“What did you do to my daughter?!”

Chapter 196

I back up and almost trip over something, trying to evade the very angry parent in front of me. In a startling display that proves the apple didn’t fall far, Stars picks me up and drags me across the floor towards her and holds me up in a very uncomfortable kneeling position, eye-to-eye with her. And she is pissed. “So help me, if you had something to do with this!”

I dare not speak, for fear a single misplaced tone would end with my face ripped off.

“Settle down, we don’t know it was him. Granted he’s the most likely... but he still should be innocent until proven guilty. Let’s at least give him a chance.” Night probably just saved my life right there, and I’m let go, my knees hurting from the position I was held in and I fall back, sitting on my tailbone. It hurts, but not as much.

“Alright. Why are you here, then?” The anger has not exactly... lessened, just became less physical. But the look in her eyes says that could change quickly.

I take a deep breath trying to steady myself. “We came here looking for Twilight. She disappeared a week ago and she wasn’t with Cadence and she wasn’t at the castle, this was the last place we thought to look. Celestia’s worried she might... she didn’t kill herself did she?”

“No!” Twilight’s parents look horrified at this, but that’s not surprising. “Well, not since we last heard her, anyways.”

“Wait, she’s not here!? Oh god, did she say where she went?”

“Calm down son, she’s just up in her room. We just haven’t heard anything out of her in the last couple of days.”

“Oh... okay...” I calm down having at least found her. “I guess I should explain what’s going on. I mean I know what happened, not what she’s thinking. I expected a reaction, but not like this. Not that she’s at fault or anything-”

“Just get to the point.” Stars asks. “I want to know why my daughter came home completely stressed out, asked for her old room and has barely spoken or eaten since!”

Understandable... I take another deep breath and relay what I said for the second time today, her parents not taking it nearly as well as Celestia did. That is to say, they are looking more scared and angry. For good reason.

“And then she just ran off. I thought she was just going to find somewhere she could, you know, reflect calmly. Everyone just assumed she went to Celestia and that she’d be fine there. Some of us started missing having her around and we wound up running all over Canterlot to find her. As I said, this was the last place we thought of.”

“But Twilight’s okay, right?” Spike is practically clinging to Stars’ leg as he asks, just as worried as she seems.

“In a word, no.” Night says. “She hasn’t been dealing with this very well, and I can fully understand why. You need to watch what you say a lot more, Anthony, the word ‘hate’ has a very... final meaning. It isn’t something to throw around.” Well... he’s taking this rather better than expected.

“Yeah, I get that. I just... I wanna talk to her about this. Trying to explain it to you guys isn’t going to help much. I just want to clear the air, metaphorically. I know I said a lot of stuff and-”

“Just go.” Night says. “Her room is up the stairs down the left hall. Third door down, shouldn’t be able to miss it from there. Oh,” he continues nonchalantly, “if you ever hurt my daughter again, in any sense of the word, I will turn you inside out. Without magic.”

“Y- yes sir.”

Spike retracts from Stars and latches onto me again and I manage to get him at least to the hall before I force him to walk by himself. I know he’s taking this hard, but those claws are starting to hurt a lot.

I make my way through the small mansion of a house and end up at a door that most certainly seems to be Twi’s. It has ‘Twilight Sparkle’ written in calligraphy on a large piece of paper stuck on said door, the writing surrounded by a bunch of presumably ‘failed’ attempts, given the massive amounts of other ‘Twilight Sparkle’s here, all with strikes through them.

I knock on the door and get no response. Quietly I open the door, the only notable sound being the ‘click’ of the doorknob unlatching. The room is pretty much complete blackness. There’s sunlight coming through a closed window, but the sliver is too small to see by.

I spark up for a moment and get a look at the room from the dull, steel-gray glow I give off. Powering back down again, I move to her bed, which has a large lump under some blankets. I sit down on the edge of the bed and start petting the covered lump, and Twilight makes a quiet, undecipherable noise in response. I figure that talking should wait. I pick up Spike and put him on the bed, where he curls up against Twilight like a worried dog and I continue petting, running my hand along her back. Or at least what feels like her back through the blankets.

After a few minutes, my eyes have adjusted to the dark and I can actually make out shapes. Her room is really tidy, though a bit bare. I feel the lump shift a bit and a pair of hooves come out from under the blanket, grab Spike, and pull him in. If that wasn’t kinda creepy the way it looks in the darkness, it would be pretty adorable. After that, Twilight returns to silent motionlessness and I continue petting her. I’ll just wait until she’s ready to talk.

It’s a while longer before there’s any more motion, but she pulls the blanket away from her head and she looks up. Even shrouded in darkness, she looks like she’s spent the entire week shut away, crying and having trouble coping in general. I grab the mostly wrapped pony in a hug and sit there holding her and rubbing her back. “You wanna talk now?”

“Mn-n”

“Okay. Whenever you’re ready.”

I feel the warm bundle shift in my arms and I open my eyes, realizing I’d fallen asleep. “Hey. Feeling better? Wanna talk?”

“Mn-n.”

“Well then how about I talk and you just listen? Okay?”

I get a grunt in response that seems to be apathetic in tone.

“I don’t hate you. I hate some things about you, but I don’t hate you specifically. I know I said a lot of things, and I’m not going to apologize because I meant every word of it.”

I get a distressed whine and she buries her head in the blankets again.

“But I didn’t mean for you to take it this hard. I’m not saying you are in the wrong here, you’re not. Your reaction is perfectly understandable, I just didn’t think about it at the time. I want you to know that while I do think you have serious flaws that need to be addressed, there’s much more to you than your shortcomings.” I pause but get no response. “I thought about you every day that you were gone, and I missed you. Everyone did. I’m just glad you’re still alive. Okay?”

No response.

“Okay?”

Still nothing.

“I can sit here and hug you for another week if I need to, you have to get up and move eventually.” Still nothing. “Come on, I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“I don’t think she’s ready yet.” Spike says from under the blankets, apparently not minding his new job as ‘security animal’.

“Well, if it won’t be today, maybe another time. Spike, you stay here. I’ll go back and tell everyone what’s going on, okay?”

“Okay.”

I walk out of the room and down the stairs. Stars looks at me from the bottom of the stairwell. “Did she say anything?”

“No, but Spike is staying with her. I think they really need each other right now.”

“Look, I’m not exactly happy with you right now, why don’t you just... stay out of this until it’s over. Please?”

I nod. “I figured I should. I just told her what I really meant. I’m going back to Ponyville. Though her other friends may stop by once they hear that we actually know where she is.”

“Well, they’re more likely to get results than you are, so you might as well just go now.”

“Yeah. Oh, and when Twilight starts talking again, remind her that I don’t hate her. I told her already, but I think she may need to hear it more than once.” When Stars acknowledges my suggestion, I head for the door, leaving the house. My next stop is the castle to tell Celestia what’s happening.

It’s been a real rollercoaster of a day, and not the fun kind. I had no idea what that would have done to Twilight, but I didn’t mean to completely destroy her.

My mind preoccupied, I take a while to realize my feet have taken me to the castle gate. Walking to the throne room, the line is still forming. Goddamnit this important! I have something that Celestia actually needs to hear. I feel about ready to pop, but it’s almost my turn. Come on, hurry it up!

I’m second in line and it’s the next mare’s turn but I can’t take it anymore! I grab the mare and push her behind me.

“Excuse me!?”

“You’re excused.”

“What are you doing? Wait your turn, I have very important-”

“It’s not that important.” The mare looks at me angrily and her horn starts glowing. Cancelling out whatever spell she was about to use, I go to open the door but before I can, I feel a sharp pain in my arm and look behind me. I notice the mare is currently biting me.

I grab the pony and carry her into the throne room. Looking up I see Luna, but Celestia nowhere nearby. Isn’t Luna supposed to be in bed right now? She seems very hesitant at my entrance, but a large yawn from her betrays the fact that it is indeed far past her bedtime.

“I’m filling in for Celestia because... I’m not sure, but she looked upset. What do you need, Anthony?”

I drop the mare and hold up my left hand, showing the teeth marks. “She bit me.”

“He was cutting in line!”

“I have news Celestia should hear for her own well-being, while all you Canterlot cash-whores do is complain at her for more than your fair share!”

“How dare you? I am certainly worth more of the Princess’ time than you are you worthless urchin!”

“Uhm...” Luna looks a bit unsure of what to do and it seems I’m not getting this resolved by her in the next few minutes.

I eye the mare, now holding her upside-down by her tail. “Call me worthless one more time.”

“You are a waste of my time and that of everypony else, if you think you can get away with threats-”

“And that entitles you to getting away with intentional physical harm?”

“I-” the mare stops before another word exits her mouth. We stand there for a second, and a quick glance to Luna reveals that the lunar princess’ eyebrow has rising nearly off her scalp. “I have lots of money?” The mare doesn’t sound so sure of herself anymore.

I grasp my temples trying to massage away the headache formed from that singular sentence. I take the mare and set her down, summoning a bit of coal from my pouch and writing ‘RICH BITCH’ over her cutie mark and shooing her out the door. I look at Luna. “What were you expecting me to do?”

“Er... kick her, actually. However, that is neither here nor there. What is the information you wished to relay to my sister?”

“We found Twilight. She’s at her parents and has not committed suicide as Celestia worried. She’s not in condition to speak or eat according to her parents, but she’s... alive. That’s the best I can say, honestly.”

Luna heaves a sigh. “That is good to know. This also explains my sister’s recent... mood. Thank you Anthony. Have you anything else you wish to say? I am afraid I have many more nobles to meet with this day.”

“Condolences.” Luna nods in annoyed agreement. “But no, that’s it. Other than Spike staying with her while she recovers, I don’t really have much else to say. Though I guess I could just go and see Celestia myself, try and get her to calm down.”

“That would likely be best. Guard! Escort Anthony to my sister’s room and away when he is done there.”

I don’t really think I need an escort  back, but I go along anyway. I don’t have much to do on the way so I try to start a conversation with my gold-plated entourage.

“So what do all these Canterlot ponies hope to get out of complaining to the princesses anyways? They already live better than everyone else in a five-hundred mile radius.”

“...”

“Do you guys ever say anything?”

“...”

I need to get some form of reaction out of this guy... How about a joke? Yeah, a joke. “An apple a day can keep the doctor away, but two can keep away anyone if you throw them hard enough.”

“...”

“Nothing? Oh come on. Okay...” I think hard. “A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair... and a table.”

“...”

“I'm friends with 25 letters in the alphabet. I don't know Y.”

“...”

“Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.”

“...”

Goddamn he’s a tough one to crack... Hmmm... “What was the last thing that went through the mare's mind after jumping from a skyscraper? Her ankles.”

“...”

“There was a zoo that had one animal in it, that animal was a dog, it was a shitzu.”

“...”

Y’know what, fuck it! This one’s just for me! “What’s better than roses on your piano?”

“...”

“Tulips on your organ.”

“...” I’m about to scream in frustration when I notice the guard is grinning slightly at that one. I guess that’s enough of a win.

We get to Celestia’s room and it’s the opposite of her sister’s obviously, with a sun-and-white-marble motif rather than a moon-and-onyx deal. Really? I mean, I get it but... whatever.

Opening the door and walking in, I see Celestia walking back and forth, pacing a metaphorical hole into her floor as she just mumbles and generally worries. Given her proof of the action earlier, I expected her to maybe have a lit joint or something. I mean I have no problems one way or the other, but when you admit you’re a part-time stoner...

Ah well. “Chill out Celly, I found Twilight.”

Clearly being too stressed to remember her ‘I am totally unaffected by everything’ façade, she kind of slumps over onto her bed sighing. “Where is she? She didn’t-”

“No, she’s very much alive and not showing any desire to change that, but she hasn’t been eating or talking. She went to her parents and that’s where she’s been all this time. She’s not okay in any sense of the term, but she’s breathing. Spike is staying with her, I’m not exactly a welcome guest anymore.”

Another large sigh, this time into one of her pillows. “Well, it could be worse I suppose. And... you are right for the most part. What you said was terrible and mean and... absolutely right. Aside from my political job, I’ve only really been a teacher. Twilight was the first pony accepted before the age of sixteen, so she had to live at the school! I’d never been a parent before and I guess that shows. I don’t really have much of a chance to actually be social really, aside from balls and galas, but those nobles are the majority at said parties. I mainly asked Twilight to learn about friendship and such because... I never got to learn any of it myself. But you are right. I was her teacher, and had no experience to base social skills off of and so I could only pass on what I know. I just never thought it would end up this big of a problem for her.”

“Yeah, raising a kid is one of the most difficult things I can imagine.”

Celestia looks up, giving me a quizzical look. “You... have experience? I never thought-”

“No real experience, but I know that taking care of a child is really difficult simply from imagining what it all entails. I’m not sure I’d make a good dad to be honest.”

“Is that part of why you act... celibate?”

“This isn’t about me, it’s about you and Twilight. I was just saying you aren’t at fault for how Twilight turned out. She’s got problems, but they can be fixed. I don’t know why I’m the first to say anything about this to her, I mean the trouble she has is pretty clear. But you have to be aware of a problem before it can be fixed. I went over the top at her, but she just...”

“She’s not done learning yet. She’s an excellent study with a brilliant mind, but... sadly I have no idea how to cultivate anything beyond that. She’s not just some mindless construct, but she’s never really had a social life. It was just study and taking classes and she seemed happy with just that so I left it at that.”

“She’s smart, talented, and frankly she’s the best option I have when I’m trying to come up with plans for the future... but she’s also a bit unstable.”

“I’m aware. She’s had... trouble in the past with this kind of thing. Her use of certain spells to accomplish tasks more ‘efficiently’ has led to more than a few disasters. But I don’t really know how to do anything about it! I can’t just punish her, I’m her teacher and that would make things even worse.”

I sit down on the bed and lay down parallel with Celestia. It really is a big bed, even for her. “Yeah, I just wish there was a way to get into her head and figure out exactly how to present the lessons in a way she understands. The obvious answer is make it like a school quiz, but that’s against what we’re trying to teach, about experiencing things in the context of a different environment. But if we don’t fix her... well, I’m just glad you sent her to Ponyville. Anywhere outside Equestria and the society might have just metaphorically eaten her alive.”

“Ponyville wasn’t my first choice, but it seemed the most different without being too far. I just didn’t expect her to stick to her social norms rather than learning to adapt. I guess when I said ‘make friends’ I should have said ‘fit in’ or something.”

“Well, damage is done, it’s up to her to fix it. But she’ll need help. Maybe there’s a sort of social skills class she could take? I know for a fact the one I took was absolutely necessary.”

“Seems they didn't really do their job too well, you aren’t exactly someone I’d introduce to everypony.”

“Hey, I can be socially acceptable, I know how to be proper, I just choose not to. Who wants to be polite and ‘correct’ and all that junk all the time?”

Celestia laughs. “I don’t! I’m sick of it, but I don’t get a say in it. I’m the head of a country and my job is to make sure everything runs smoothly for all the ponies and if I disappear for too long, everypony starts to panic. I must say, the few times when I don’t have to act like I’m an immovable object with all the right answers are some of the best few minutes of my life!”

“What about the time you came to the spa in Ponyville a few years back?”

“That was a day I had set aside to try and be a ‘normal’ pony for a day. It had been on record for five months in advance and I had to specify exactly when I was going to leave and exactly when I was going to be back.” She sighs tiredly. “I could use another back rub if you don’t mind.”

“Sure.”

Chapter 197

I get up, having finished with Celestia and she seems much better for it. “I think I’ll go and rescue Luna from the nobles now.”

“And uh, how are you going to do that exactly?”

“Simple.” I say. “I’ll tell the ponies you two are getting a vacation and if they don’t like it, too bad. How’s that?”

“Anthony, as much as I’d like that, we can’t just leave. Even for a day! Who’d be in charge?”

“Nobody. But they might be led to believe it’s me. How about this: The princesses are tired and require a week off. In the meantime, I’m the one to go to with problems. That way the bratty overprivileged ponies can get chewed out by me for being spoiled, and I will be the one to blame, not you two.”

“Hrrm”

“Don’t worry, I’ll just be on the throne as a matter of appearance. I won’t start wearing a crown and making orders.” I think over my last statement. “Well, maybe a few orders.”

Celestia looks a bit hesitant. “Such as?”

“Well I’ve always wanted to just tell someone to bring me a six layer cake and have it actually happen.” Celestia laughs. Not just her usual amused chuckle, a real, short but honest laugh. I... I like that laugh. It’s nice.

“Save me a piece of that cake and you have a deal.”

“Really?”

“I could really use a vacation. Of course Luna and I will still move the sun and moon, but thank goodness I can actually leave this castle for more than two days!”

Hmmm... “We can make that two weeks and the entire bottom layer of cake if you want.”

“Now now Anthony, bribery only goes so far.” She says with fake condescendence. “Two whole weeks in a row might be a little too long. I still love this place and all who live here. Also, I doubt you have the mental endurance to handle fourteen days of keeping things smooth.”

“Yeah well, you pack up whatever you need to bring, I’ll go relieve Luna.”

“You do that.” We get up and I start to leave. “And... thank you Anthony.”

“No problem, princess.”

My escort who was waiting for me doesn’t seem to know what’s going on. Not like it matters. He tries to take me back to the entrance hall, but I make a turn for the throne room. I’m not stopped or anything so I guess it doesn’t really matter to him. Walking into the throne room, I see a rather tired and deflated Luna. “Hey there. I’m your relief.”

“Relief? Don’t you mean Celestia is-”

“Nope, Celly and I had a chat. I sit on the throne for a while to keep appearances up while you two relax.”

“I’m... not sure.”

“Well nobody’s making you go. You can just stay here if you want while Celestia takes a week of vacation.”

“Week? As in seven full days and nights?” Luna seems to be almost drooling at the thought. Damn, when do these two get a break?

“Yep. And I just sit here and handle the whiners while you girls get some time to yourselves. No, I’m not gonna start acting like a new king of Equestria, I don’t want the headache of actually ruling these morons.”

“That sounds... heavenly... Well, if Celestia is fine with this... I suppose it can’t hurt.” She stands up and looks like the idea of ‘full week off’ finally hit her completely and she looks ecstatic. “I could kiss you right now Anthony!”

“Don’t, please. Please don’t.”

“Very well.” Luna walks past me heading for the door and-

Luna sets me down, having pulled me towards her to plant a kiss on my cheek. “We will see you in a week!” With a smile, the night princess walks off, looking not unlike the kids back in Ponyville whenever it snowed.

I plop myself down on the throne, seated with one arm of the chair bracing my back and the other arm holding up my knees. I fold my hands behind my head and hear a cough. Turning to the noise, I see a few of the guards who heard and saw the whole thing.

“You bow to me, and I’ll rearrange your faces.”

“We weren’t going to, we just...” One of the mare guards starts. “We just... uh... you are still going to do things like talk to the nobles. Right?”

“Duh, what do I look like? A lazy person?” The guards let my words hang in the air as they look at my incredibly unprofessional arrangement of myself on the literal seat of power. I sigh and wave my hand. “Whatever, send in the next one.”

The guard opens the door and lets in a familiar-looking mare. “I would like to report that the hairless freak you have been harboring has assaulted me and that it...” The mare looks up and sees me on the throne, practically turning white.

“Please, don’t let the ‘freak’ interrupt your riveting tale of woe.” My tone is drier than a cotton ball in the desert during the Summer.

She doesn’t move or speak, just stares dumbfounded. I also notice she’s washed off the coal dust from her flanks. “Now now, what would an important pony from Canterlot be without proudly wearing a title she rightfully deserves?” With a grin, I summon more coal from my pouch and reapply the writing.

The mare doesn’t break eye contact or say anything, she just backs up out of the door. I turn to the guard to the left of the throne. “That went pretty well if you ask me.”

No response.

“Alright, next loser I mean whiner I mean dumbass I mean-”

“We get it.”

After ‘meeting’ with a few more, I’m starting to actually enjoy myself. I’m saying all the stuff I would out on the street... but here on the throne? Flanked by royal guards? These ponies don’t have the balls to do anything about it.

Hmmm... balls. There’s an idea!

I’ve made my first demand, and it wasn’t one most of the guards expected to hear. Nonetheless it was carried out and I now have all the coal Canterlot and Fetlock could spare without stopping any production.

I form all the coal, which I gauge to be about two tons or so, into a small marble. The heavily compressed ball is placed on the floor and I have all the nobles come in at once.

“Alright ya greedy bastards. I got an offer to make. You like deals right? Deals that involve money? How about half the money in the royal treasury?” That gets their attention, bunch of avarid idiots. That’s a word right? Avarice as an adjective? Whatever. “Well everyone, I’m not gonna waste your time, you’ll be doing it fine on your own. See that little black ball? Whoever can lift it one full meter off the ground using any means you can... will get fifty percent of every Bit the princesses have to their names.” The ponies look at each other before agreeing. “Alright then. Everyone gets as many chances as they like using any method they want. Remember, one full meter above the ground and all that money is yours.”

One noble speaks up. “You do know how long a meter is, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. One meter is the equivalent of one-billion nanometers.” Given the looks I get, these ponies either don’t know what ‘nano’ means in any sense, or they are questioning how trustworthy I am. “Now lift the ball if you can and you’ll have enough money you’ll be able to swim in it. Literally.”

Well, an hour or so later, when  the nobles are either absolutely magically drained or have multiple broken teeth, they fall over exhausted. “Impossible!” One breathes out. “You are a cheater!”

“And you don’t cheat? You’ve never cheated? None of you? Never told a lie or even a half-truth? All your money was earned on the straight and narrow path? I don’t believe that at all, because if you had earned every cent, you wouldn’t be coming to higher-ups and begging for more, you’d be proud of what you earned and glad of how much you had, not needing any more wealth. And one more thing...” I walk over to the ‘marble’ and pick it up effortlessly, my manipulative powers allowing me to do anything I wanted with it as long as I kept my focus. I raise the tiny orb high above my head, and put it into my pocket where it rolls around as I walk back to the throne. “Nothing is impossible. If you all had worked together, your combined might would have been enough. But no, your greed and desire to own more than others prevented you from achieving your desires. Now get out of here you stupid horses.”

When all of the nobles leave, some needing a few minutes to recover their motor abilities, one of the guards laughs and then they all do, the laughter rolling out like a flood from a broken dam. “That was great!”

“I liked it when that one tried using her teeth and broke a tooth! Wouldn’t stop moaning like it wasn’t her fault for biting it!”

“What a buncha morons!”

“I’d’ve just left without a try, who needs that much cash anyway?”

“People who think that money gets you status.” I answer.

The mare guard from earlier speaks up. “I don’t think I want you ruling this place for real, but I like you kid.”

“Thanks. I like me too.”

Chapter 198

With the hilarity of the day over, I decide it’s time to get down to business. I got one of the scribes to take dictation and make some copies, which would be sent to Ponyville telling the recipients what I know about Twilight and what I’m doing not saying anything in person. I figure not many letters need to be made, just six. One for each of the other Element Bearers and one for the mayor who can decide if she wants to make the information public or not, her choice.

I’m hungry... I turn to one of the various unarmored attendants that seem to amble around the castle now that there isn’t anyone in charge telling them what needs doing every five minutes. Some of them are looking a bit twitchy... maybe I should give them something to do. “Hey you. Yeah, pink coat and the purple hair. How about getting me a cheeseburger?”

“A... cheeseburger? Sir?”

“Yeah, hamburger with cheese?” The pony still looks confused. “Think like a sandwich with a fluffy bun, tomato, pickles, ground beef, onions, lettuce.”

“Beef...”

“Friggin’ herbivores. Cow! Cow meat. Y’know, moos and gives milk? Yeah, one of them. Like a steak, but you put the meat through a grinder, mold it into a patty and cook it. Too complicated for you?”

“N- no... I’ll uh. I’ll notify one of the chefs at once... sir.”

Well it took them about half an hour but I have about twenty cheeseburgers on a platter. I take a bite and while it’s not quite like I remember it’s pretty good. A bit dry for my taste like it was cooked too long but not burnt. Still, pretty darn good.

That said some of the ponies are staring at me. I know that meat is kind of a taboo in unicorn culture and this place is unicorn central but hell, I’m not gonna deprive myself of enjoyment just because they’re squeamish. I mean, it’s cow! They aren’t even in the same species family. These guys are way too touchy. I call over the pink mare from earlier and hold out a burger.

“Take a bite.” She’s hesitating. “It’s already dead and cooked it’s not going to come back for revenge or anything, just take a dang bite!”

The mare shivers, her knees shaking as she leans forward and takes a small bite, everyone else present watching intently. She winces as she slowly chews, acting as if the thing might blow up in her mouth. With more effort than strictly necessary, she swallows and a weird look comes over her.

With a rather pitiful whimper of dread, she takes another bite. After what seems like an eternity, she finishes the one I handed to her.

“Wanna ‘nother one?” The mare nods animatedly but says “No.” at the same time before running from the throne room. “Suit yourself.” I return to the small platter of cheeseburgers and start on my third. “Anyone else wanna try one?”

The others give their own variation of decline, either worried, unsure or somesuch. Eh, more for me, no complaints here. That said, this is a lot of burgers. I mean, did they put an entire cow into these? Either way I may not be able to eat all of these myself.

Eating my way through the pile as the day goes on, I’m finished with the sandwiches by about late afternoon. Feeling a bit tired, I decide to turn in, heading for one of the guest rooms. I mean, I’m not gonna just take someone elses room even if they aren’t here. That said, the bed is still large enough for me to sleep in, almost a human-sized twin bed. And it’s comfy...

But something irks me. I try to gather my thoughts and I recall what I did to Scootaloo. She must be awful depressed or something.

But I can’t think of anything to do about it! I can’t just walk up to her, it’ll just make things worse... I close my eyes, deciding to sleep but having a hard time of it. I go with my usual trick of zoning out.

Everything is dark. I’m safe on the bed, but I’m falling. Just... falling. Into nothing. Weightlessness. Peace. Clarity. Darkness...

falling and falling and falling...

I’m snapped out when I get ‘caught’. Opening my eyes I see Luna clearly visible among the void of nothing. “Did you need something?”

“Oh... I’m sorry, it’s just... Well, when most ponies have a ‘falling’ dream, it’s a nightmare of some variety. I just wanted to see how you were doing and... thought you needed comforting.”

I shake my head. “Not me. Scootaloo.”

“Little Scootaloo is very enamored with you. Most of her dreams involve you in some way, aside from her nightmares that is. You seem to lack presence in those.”

“She’s been having nightmares?”

“While you were away, your friends decided to go camping. A few ghastly tales around a campfire resulted in her having rather traumatic dreams. I helped her through them, and she is sleeping well now.”

I nod, relieved. Then I get an idea. “Hey Luna, could you like... take me into her dreams? So I could talk with her?”

“Whatever for?”

“Well... some truths were told and some things were said... let’s leave it at me wanting to make up with her, but not feeling able to see her in person.”

Luna thinks for a while. “Well, I could bring you into her current dream and you’d be visible and able to be heard and touched... but in her dream you are susceptible to her wishes. If she wants you gone, I cannot do anything to keep you anchored. Also, if she already has imagined something that represents you in her current dream world, that’s what you will manifest as and be acting through.”

I weigh my options. I could fix this but also put myself at not-quite risk... or let this go and do nothing. “Take me to her.”

Luna nods and the next thing I know I’m in a stone room. And a pony. An adult pony, but a pony either way. So whatever Scootaloo is dreaming about, it involves pony-me in some sort of dungeon... yikes.

Looking around I see a window and a cloud through said window. Okay, I’m in a tall tower with no door or staircase, that’s pretty simplistic. That said, I might be able to come up with something. Peering out the window, being careful not to lean too far and fall, I see that this tower is very high up, the grass below nothing but a huge motionless pool of green. Straight ahead I see blue sky and puffy white clouds. And a silver and orange speck.

Said speck is getting bigger and now it’s more of a blob, and I notice that it’s getting closer rather quickly. After a bit of time I notice that the figure is Scootaloo. Not only wearing very... heroic-looking platemail, but also about ten years older so she’s about Pinkie’s age here.

What is this dream about? What am I here for?

Scootaloo seems to be picking up speed as she heads for the tower. Oh great... she’s the ‘brave knight’ character, and I’m the ‘Evil wizard in his tower.’

Sighing, I back up from the window as Scoots rockets into the chamber at a very unbelievable speed before stopping instantaneously and landing on the ground with absolutely no problems in any area of the actions, ignoring most laws of physics.

She gives a triumphant look around and sets her gaze on me, the look becoming one of what I can describe as ‘imminent victory’. Slowly she trots closer to me, the stonewall room suddenly becoming a lot more spacious, yet not showing any indications of terraforming, as if she’s turning the area into a battlefield.

Slowly she approaches me, the growing look of conquest not even hidden as she walks, looking for all to see like a brave warrior about to complete a momentous task. There’s not much space between us now, and Scootaloo bunches up and springs forward, toppling me to the ground, her mouth against mine and... oh man, this feels good.

Apparently I’m the ‘Damsel in Distress’ here, though no actual feminine changes made to myself. And frankly, if Scootaloo was actually this good to just sit under and kiss like this... I have no idea why I’d said no to being with her before. This is nice...

I roll us over so I’m on top of her, our hooves wrapped around each others’ neck and our lips meet again and I have to say, the feeling is like electricity running down my back, but in a good way. After a few minutes of simply enjoying the sensation, I back off a bit and lay down next to her.

“I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

“I love you t- huh?”

“I’m sorry about how I hurt you, I really am.”

She looks confused, but the room around us starts getting blurry. “Wait... am I- Oh... of course I’m dreaming. I’m no hero, and Anthony would never say-”

“Scootaloo, this is a dream, but it’s the real me. I wanted to apologize to you, and Luna let me into your dreams. I want you to know that I’m glad you still like me.”

The area sort of tilts and dissolves, Scootaloo’s platemail disappearing as she ages down into a filly again, and I’m becoming a foal as well. The scenery changes to Ponyville in Winter with snow all around us. She’s taken us back to the moment when she confessed.

I’m gonna do it right this time.

I pull Scootaloo into a hug, wrapping my small hooves around her and she returns the hug. “I know what I said earlier and I need to say it better. Scootaloo, you are an incredible filly and one of my best friends. I’d never give you up for anything. Anything. But I can’t be in love with you.”

“I know you don’t like ponies like that an’ all but... I was hoping maybe-”

“Me not being attracted to ponies isn’t the issue here. The problem is purely physical. Sure right now I’m a foal... but this is temporary. I’m much bigger than this, and that’s a problem for us.”

“How?”

“I barely fit inside your clubhouse, Scoots. I care about you too much. It’s proven I don’t know my own strength or other abilities like I used to, and I might squish you if I’m not careful! Also... you think you want me, but you don’t. I’m sure there’s some other nice colt your age who likes you.”

“Like who? Why? I want you Anthony! You’re so kind, and brave, and strong and-”

“And so are you. Find someone better. With your talents, I have no doubt in my mind you have someone out there admiring you.” I hug her tightly. “Find him, whoever he is. It may take a while to find him if he’s shy or unsure or anything. Find someone who’s able to give you as much love as you deserve, because... I can’t. You’re not too young, it’s that you’re too little, and I do love you, as a dear friend that could never be replaced in a million lifetimes.”

“So... I just need to find a way to get bigger?”

I sigh, shaking my head. “No, don’t try and mess with time. Don’t force yourself to change just for me. I’m certain there’s some colt out there who loves you the way you are. Don’t change to be with me, stay as you are... it’ll be much easier, and you’ll be much happier.”

“That doesn’t make me feel happy.”

“It won’t, not until you find the right person. But when you do, you’ll know. And never forget that while I may not love you in the same way, continuing to love me is fine, you can, just don’t hope that I’ll return it to the same extent. If you do that, you’ll just be setting yourself up for disappointment.”

Scootaloo hangs her head, looking as if she’s about to cry. I tighten my hug around her. “But here. Now. In your dreams, you can have anything.”

I roll over onto my back with a bit of difficulty, pulling Scootaloo on top of me and our lips touch again, Scoots pushing herself into it as if trying to force back tears. I rub her back and she loosens her grip and we just sit in the snowy path, her lips feel odd because of her muzzle, but still soft, warm and very pleasant.

Chapter 199

I open my eyes, wrapped up in the blankets, resting on my arm while clutching the pillow in the crook of my elbow. I look around for a clock, but the one I see is analog. Damnit, too early to count... can’t these guys just invent a digital clock already?

Looking at the hands, I’d say it’s about... 7:20. With a bit of self-convincing, I worm my way out of bed and stand up, falling back onto the bed. C’mon legs... move. Please? Eh whatever...

It takes about an eternity, but my body finally agrees to move and I walk out into one of the many hallways in the castle. I trudge along not really paying attention where I’m going and come across another idle server and give him my first request of the day. “Breakfast.”

“What would you like, sir Anthony?”

“Food.” This answer seems good enough and I’m led to another room and it seems some cooks have been working on a meal even before I got up. And by meal, I mean like a six course buffet. For one person.

Jeez, does Celestia actually eat like this every day? Why the hell isn’t her ass bigger than the Death Star? The thought is pushed away quickly by the scent of buttered waffles and hot oatmeal so I decide eating is top priority.

After I’ve eaten my way through a cheese omelette about twice the size of my head, I feel ready to burst so I stop, leaving about two-thirds of the original spread untouched. Rather than let it go to waste, I offer the help a chance to have whatever they want and head off to the throne room feeling very full, but also warm and happy. And a teensy bit tired. With a stretch and a groan I sit down on the throne. Man, this is really not as comfy as it looks.

“Uh... your ‘highness’?”

“Huh, whuzzat? I didn’ do nothin’.”

“You fell asleep, sir.” One of the ponies at the side says, and I realize that she’s right.

“Do I have your attention? Good. Let me get to the point.” The pony in front of me, a grey stallion, unicorn of course, in rather business-like but still fancy attire addresses me. “My name is Sharp Pitch, and I have a proposition for you, your highness.”

“What do you think you could offer me?” No really, what could this pony I don’t know and don’t have anything in common with suggest that would get my attention?

“A longer ruling period for one. I’m sure you like your current position, right?”

“Sure I guess.”

The stallion grins. “I’m sure you do. It has come to my attention that your methods of dealing with... troublemakers is much more impacting. The rich beggars and the thieving lowlifes don’t get away with anything they try to pass by you, you call them out on their lies and inflict immediate punishment, something the princesses never did. I think you would keep the less reputable members of Equestria in line and do a fine job. But in order to be taken seriously, you’d have to be in charge like you are now... but for a bit longer.”

“You’re saying I should try and be king of Equestria for longer... How long exactly?”

“As long as you like, milord! After all, if you are king, there would be much stricter punishments, and while Celestia may be able to do the same, she rarely does and this gives the nobles more opportunity to cheat and steal to increase their wealth beyond appropriate amounts.”

“So you’re saying... I should overthrow Celestia, take her place and rule Canterlot, and Equestria as a whole by extent, the way I want to, passing judgement and being as harsh as I feel necessary to control the more devious members of the land?”

“I will offer my help in the matter of course, I have connections, strings I could metaphorically pull to get most of the more important ponies to agree that you would do a better job, and you could be appointed king properly in a few weeks.”

Hmmmmm... “And what do you get out of this?”

“I merely wish to be your aide, your second-in-command as it were. You would still have authority over me of course, and I would be unable to do anything against your wishes, but I seriously think this country could do a lot better being run by pon- people with street smarts, rather than being treated as royalty for ages, having no idea what the world really looks like outside these castle walls.”

“You make an enticing offer, Mr. Pitch.” Sharp grins happily. “I might even take you up on it, if it weren’t for a few things.”

His smile falters. “And... what are those? I’m sure you’d have no trouble being appointed-”

“This offer of yours would only work if I well and truly wanted to be king for longer. I don’t have the experience Celestia or Luna have. I could pass judgement and rewrite the rules, but I know nothing of actually running a country. Personally, I’d appoint that to someone who has been alive for many centuries and knows what she is doing.”

“Please, I doubt ruling a country would be that difficult for you, sire-”

“Also, if I really wanted to overthrow Celestia, I could do it just fine all by myself and I wouldn’t need your help at all, so accepting your deal would do nothing more than put you higher on the command chain, no real benefit to me. Finally, if you honestly think that betrayal is among one of the many vices I indulge myself in, you are horribly mistaken.” I turn to the scribe. “Hopefully you’ve been writing all this down. I would like this given to Celestia and Luna when they get back or right away, your choice. Guards, open a window.”

“Sir, rethink this. In my desired position, I could pull enough strings for you to live however you want, have all the money in the land and any mare you desire!” Really? That’s his offer? I quirk an eyebrow. “O- or stallions if you prefer, that’s not a problem.”

I walk up to the sleazeball of a pony and grab him by the tail. A few moments later I’m dangling him out the previously opened window. “This is me taking care of greedy dirtbags the way I think they deserve. You say you have street smarts. Give me one good reason, and your ‘smarts’ will be all over the street.”

“L- let me go!” I quirk the other eyebrow. “Pull me inside and let me go!”

“Fine, Celestia and Luna can decide what to do with you for outright treasonous intent. For the record, I’d give you the Catherine Wheel.”

“Catherine Wheel? What’s that?”

“Worse than being dropped out this window to land on the ground and become street pizza. Get the picture?”

“Y- yes, yes!”

I pull Sharp back in and let him go. “You will be escorted home by three guards who will take note of your address so the princesses can deal with you later. If you try anything, the guards are given permission to stab you.”

“Stab me?”

“They have spears, you expect them to just kick you? I’d suggest you either go home and await your punishment for treason, or run away and never come back. Your choice. Guards, take him home.”

Once the idiot is led out of the throne room, one of the ‘royal advisors’ or whatever this one’s position is, comes over to me. “And... exactly what is this... Catherine Wheel?”

“Tie someone to a large horizontal wheel. Then you spin them around and bludgeon their limbs until they all break and are useless. Then leave the victim, tied up and mutilated, to die.”

The various ponies in the room gasp. “That’s horrible!”

“Nah the ‘Brazen Bull’ is horrible.”

“What’s... nevermind. I don’t want to know.”

“You catch on fast. So, anyone else want to meet with me today?”

“Ummm, none with appointments, sir.”

I sigh. “This job sucks. It’s either doing nothing or dealing with whiners.” Everyone stays silent and returns to whatever they think they ought to be doing.

After a bit of time, Discord pops in. “I heard you’d gotten a promotion. So ‘king’ Anthony, what are your plans for this place? I was thinking something along the lines of a new form of precipitation. Perhaps change the consistency of gold to something more brittle and watch as the nobility breaks their precious fortunes like eggshells?”

“Heh, nah. Though this castle interior could definitely use some redecoration.” The guards look rather nervous. “Come on Discord, let’s get to work!”

Chapter 201

It takes a while to remember the way, but I get us to Twilight’s house. Rainbow Dash doesn’t waste time and just flies through the front doors. Had the doors been locked, they’d be broken into splinters rather than just pushed open with immense force. And noise. Everyone else walks in at a moderately quick pace but the butler stops me. “I’m sorry, but Miss Sparkle has asked that I prevent you from entering the house until her daughter has recovered. You must stay out here, and I am to make absolutely certain you do not get inside.”

“Yeah, I kinda saw this coming. Can’t blame Stars really. Guess it’s just you and me for a while then.” I sit down. I could just phase through the wall but it wouldn’t really help any. “So... how’s the hive? Ren doin’ alright?”

A short flicker of emerald-green magic later and a bubble that muffles the sounds of the outside world forms around us.

“The queen is quite alright, sir,” the butler informs me.

“Good. Hoping everything’s cool. I assume she hasn’t had any more problems with ah, mating has she?”

“Not as such, though your friend was able to provide more detailed and effective instruction on the matter.”

“Okay. So does the family know about you? I’m pretty sure Twilight doesn’t because she’d be freaking out but...”

“My duty is to be unobtrusive. I abide by that duty.”

“Alright then. So what exactly does a changeling do to eat if they have a disguise? I mean, Stars and Night seem pretty happily married but you don’t, like, bottle that up on the fly or anything, so how do you eat?”

“A butler who does their job well is much beloved.”

“I suppose, but come on, not every changeling is going to be a butler. What about a locksmith or something?”

“It is not my place to monitor the others.”

“Well whatever. But one thing kinda irks me. You guys bottle up love and mix it with that queen-jelly stuff... but how do you eat love? I mean, it’s obvious it can be eaten ‘raw’ in a sense, so how do you do it?”

“I’m a butler, sir, not a scientist.”

“Hey, it’s worth a try. So how long you been working for the Sparkles?”

“Thirty-three years.”

“Huh. So d’you think they’d freak out if they knew or what? I mean, they know by now you wouldn’t do anything like what Chryssi made the changelings do, why keep the disguise? Doesn’t it tire you out after a bit or have some kind of time limit and need to be refreshed every once in a while?”

“A guise, once spun, is minimal to maintain.”

“Huh. And you can just create a guise at random or do you need a ‘template’ to copy?”

“I was trained as an infiltrator; I am able to weave a guise of parts that I have seen. Most, however, require something to copy directly.”

“Wait, trained? So you’re taught what your position is and you aren’t just... born for your specific role like ants? I know I’m putting a ton of emphasis on the whole ‘insectoid’ thing but... just curious.”

“Some things are specified by aging before birth, but skills must be trained, as with any other being.”

“Yeah so... exactly how are you related to ponies? I mean, your general shape looks pretty much exactly like them, but you aren’t actually ponies. What’s the deal with that? Why not griffons or something?”

“I’m a butler, sir, not a taxonomist.”

“Fine, fine... So do you guys have some sort of... way to tell a changeling in disguise? Like, some sort of indicator only another changeling can pick up? How can you tell a normal pony from a changeling that has copied them?”

“Changeling eyes pierce changeling guise.”

“So... you can see through disguises? Like x-ray vision or something? Or do you just see a pony unless you’re looking for a changeling? Not being able to see a changeling’s disguise would cause a bit of problems.”

“A guise appears around the changeling, but the changeling is visible, too. They are both visible to the same degree.”

“Oh, so it’s basically like giving a Changeling a reskinned texture, but setting it to 50% opacity?”

“... I don’t understand anything you just said, other than that is sounded like skinning a changeling, which I do not think you meant.”

I sigh. “Uh, it’s like... it’s a slang term. Like if you took an object like a... a chair and reupholstered it, but instead of replacing the fabric, you just sewed it onto the surface. You change the outward appearance of it by a lot, but you didn’t really change the chair itself outside of its appearance. Making it half-opaque, in other words, only half visible, would let you see the new fabric and the original design underneath it.”

“... no, that does not sound accurate. They are both fully visible, in the same place.”

“Oh, you got some kind of ‘double sight’ thing going on. Neat. So you’ve been around for a while, do you think the Everfree hive could integrate with pony society without needing disguises? I mean, it’s happened once or twice in Ponyville but... this is the capital and if this place is cool with ‘em then everywhere else shouldn’t take much convincing. You think changelings could make it in Canterlot without much trouble? I mean you already have the right attitude down pat or you wouldn’t be very good at what you do.”

“I’m a butler, sir, not a sociologist.”

“But you’ve been doing this ‘be a pony’ thing for thirty years, you’re clearly doing something right, aren’t you?”

“Yes. I’ve been a butler.”

“Fine, fine... So since knowing this family is pretty much your entire job... Any ideas of what I could do to get back on Stars’ good side?”

“The first thought which comes to mind involves time magic, and the second involves a great deal more chocolate than is immediately available in Canterlot. After that, the only suggestion I have is ‘don’t have her upset with you in the first place’.”

I sigh. “Lovely. So how long do you think Twilight will take to bounce back from this? I mean, I know you don’t see her that often but... rough estimate.”

“That would likely be a poor estimate, as her previous time actually living here involved her being under the age of eight, and refusing to develop friendships that could have this form of impact on her.”

“Right.” I have really stepped in it this time. “So what do changelings usually do when not on the job? Even at the hive I’ve only seen one ‘ling go off duty for about ten minutes.”

“Most of my kind simply don’t go ‘off duty’. We live to work; our work is what defines, shapes, and guides us.”

“So if your job training involved military combat... Well, you’ve probably already heard the plan about using changelings to help fight off the demons. As a fairly ‘normal’ changeling, what do you think are the chances of that working out?”

“I’m a butler, sir, not a strategist.”

“Whatever. I’m just trying to get a bit of insight from the common man so to speak. Ren’s nice and all, but I figure being a drone is not exactly comparable to being a queen.”

“Everypony has their roles to play, even in the hive.”

“So what’s your name? I mean, as a pony. Ponies have names, what’d you pick?”

“Precise Manner, sir, at your service.”

“Clever. But doesn’t that get a bit odd? I mean, as a changeling you aren’t supposed to have a name unless you’re royal, right? But if you don’t have a name, ponies would get a bit suspicious. So how do you have a name but also not have one?”

“That is not quite accurate, sir. Any changeling that must be able to work with other species is given a name, as is any changeling that has earned the favor of the ruler of the hive.”

“So how does one ‘earn favor’? By bringing in a lot of food or something?” This is one he has to know, otherwise he wouldn’t exactly be where he is.

“A fully-developed changeling who performs enough services of an outstanding quality will oft be given a name. Any infiltrator will be given a name. An otherwise-unformed changeling who shows signs of being singularly capable will be named and deconstructed into a pattern from which a new ‘breed’ will be formed. Being the queen’s lover for an extended period will sometimes result in a name. There are other methods, but that is a largely-inclusive list.”

“Huh... So what did you do?”

“I am an infiltrator.”

“And that seems to have done you well.” Something catches my attention, something I overlooked. “You say you’ve been here for thirty years, but Chryssi wasn’t mashed until three years ago. Did you escape her or what? If changelings can see other changelings, why not just send out a bunch of troops for a massive recall and then brainwashing session?”

“I’m a butler, sir, not a pacifist.”

“Wait... you joined the others... where did you tell Night and Stars about where you ‘went’ then?”

“You mistake me, sir. Part of a butler’s chores is taking out the trash, compacted if bulky, and setting it on the curb for collection. That particular batch was gooey and not very intelligent before I cleaned up.”

“Heh, action butler, neat. So you just stayed here and beat the crap out of any changelings that came by during the invasion?”

“As the Sparkle residence is not very close to the city center, it wasn’t on the invasion path. I was referring to the ‘recruiters’.”

“Weren’t very convincing, I take it?”

“I’m a butler, sir, not a moron. I only needed to hear the old queen’s plan, to know it was going to fail.”

“From what I hear, she had her minion ‘lings stationed outside a giant bubble to zerg-rush the city when she was ready or something. Not much of a plan as a form of assault that involved secrecy.”

“Her plan was to foalnap, starve, and beat the embodiment of love, impersonate her, and drain her husband-to-be, and take down the city from within, without any fighting at all.”

“Sounds like her plan was a little too complex for her to actually carry out. I mean, she makes mind-slaves, but doesn’t know how to tell them exactly what to do, and she plans a coup while leaving the one who could prove without a doubt that she was a fake alive, just locked up. Big mistake there. She has the tyrant part down, but she clearly wasn’t an evil genius if you ask me. She mainly got taken down by her own ego and assumptions.”

“That and she was never trained for nor showed any talent at infiltration. The queen before her was originally going to just make a new one, but the old queen made a move before then. It was truly a pity.”

“Some of these great villains that this place deals with seem like total morons. I mean, in the event that I did end up king of the changelings, things would be a lot different. I think I’d make a better big bad than anyone else here.”

“More effective, perhaps, but most villains who threaten ponykind wish to enslave them or use them as some form of livestock. It’s easiest to rule a pile of dust and ash, but I doubt it is very stimulating or rewarding.”

“Eh, before coming here, ponies were livestock to me anyways. These are just smaller, brighter colored, and can talk if I’m being totally honest.”

The butler doesn’t reply.

“That said, I like the place, it’s just a little weird to me. Sometimes it seems a little too nice.”

The butler doesn’t look like he’s going to reply to this either. A few more minutes later, the Element Bearers exit the house and the butler removes the muffle-bubble.

“So how was she?”

The seven look amongst each other a bit worried, trying to decide who should talk. In an odd display, Fluttershy speaks first. “She... didn’t say anything. She just laid there in her bed.”

“Wouldn’ even look at us. She seemed a real mess.” Applejack explains.

“I can say for sure that laying in that dark room and hardly eating is bound to cause some serious health problems for her if this goes on for much longer. I tried opening the curtain, but she just kept closing them.” Rarity muses. “Spikey said he’d already tried convincing her to eat without any luck.  I fear she may not recover from this painlessly.”

“Why’d ya do it, man? I mean, yeah Twi isn’t perfect or anything but... you really screwed her up big time.” Rainbow complains

“I did it for her, eventual, own good. If she doesn’t get past her social issues, this could have happened later and been even worse. I was harsh, but she needed to be shocked out of her comfort zone or she wouldn’t have realized that I wasn’t merely venting or insulting her.”

“Yeah...”

“But...”

I expect the third Pinkie to finish the piece started by the first and second, but she stays silent.

I ask for a bit of clarity of what they actually did while with Twilight, “You at least told her that you still care and want her to be better, right?”

“Of course! I mean, yeah she’s got issues but... you really couldn’t find an easier way to do this?”

I sigh, then continue, “Sorry Dash, but when you start casting physically-altering magic against someone’s wishes and somehow still think doing so would help them and do it anyway, then think it was perfectly okay that you did it... That’s dangerous. Hurting someone when you think you are helping them is the main defining feature of real, and I mean real insanity. I don’t think Twilight is that bad, but if left unchecked, she might be treated as such. Her anxiety and questionable tendencies make her well and truly dangerous to those around her. She needs a psychological readjustment and that’s that.”

“And exactly why would you think you know what’s best for my daughter?” Stars says, from the doorway. “If you think I’m going to toss her an asylum with those foaming animals, you can think again.”

“I’m not saying lock her up, I’m saying she needs help. Very precise and specific help. In fact, an asylum would just make her problem even worse. If being anti-social is her main problem, being put in solitary confinement or roomed with others who are not exactly the best people to learn from... no. You need to get a professional psychiatrist if she can’t snap out of this herself.”

“She needs no such thing! I can’t believe you are insinuating that she’s dangerous!”

I sigh. “If what I heard about the ‘Want it need it’ spell fiasco in Ponyville is true, she is very dangerous, and I’m trying to make her realize that the path she was on was just going to make it worse. Now that she knows what her problems are she can work on fixing them.”

“My daughter is practically a vegetable because of you.” Stars seethes through clenched teeth. “If you think you’re helping...” Stars hisses at me, teeth grinding and not managing to finish her statement.

“Listen, I’m not going to try and convince you that Twilight is fine the way she is right now, she isn’t, far from it, but the fact remains that literally no other method worked. If you choose to get her a psychiatrist or just let her get through this on her own, that’s your choice, but you don’t seem to understand that I want Twilight out of this funk just as much as you do. As much crap as she’s put me through, I’ve thrown just as much dirt her way. Despite all our arguing and her severe mental problems, she’s still my friend and I still care. If I didn’t care, I’d have let that vampire tear her neck open before killing him. Anyway, I should probably get going. If a noble comes by and sees nobody on the throne, there’s probably going to be some big issues.”

Chapter 202

I get back to the throne room to see Discord relaxing in his hammock. “Welcome back, Anthony! I got bored so I came back here and have been entertaining myself.”

I notice that the guards usually stationed here have had their armor replaced with balloon armor. I admit, the ‘serious business’ faces they have while wearing balloon suits is pretty funny. It’s not long before everyone else comes in.

“So what are we gonna do about Twilight?”

“If you ask me, I might be able to help...” Discord grins.

“Uh-uh, no way!” RD butts heads with Discord. “You’re gonna leave her alone!”

“Well then my little pony, what’s your plan?”

“Uh...”

I sigh. “Settle down, she needs time or psychiatric help as I suggested, things none of us can give her. Let’s just relax, okay?”

“But... what’re we gonna do?” AJ asks. “The next train ta Ponyville ain’t arrivin’ fer another four hours...”

“Ooh! Ooh! Let’s play a game!”

“I like games!”

“What are we playing?”

I gotta say, they’re right, I can’t tell a clone from the real Pinkie at all. I’m struck by an idea. “I know what we can all play. But it’s not for the weak.”

“Ha! I can take anything you throw at me.” Dash boasts.

I grin. “Alright, I’ll go first then. Rainbow Dash, Truth or Dare?” She nods but nobody says anything.

“So which is it Anthony?”

“Whaddya mean? You’re supposed to pick truth or dare and then I decide what I want from there. If you pick truth I can make you confess something, but I can’t dare you, or vice-versa. I choose what happens, but you get to choose what you want to be forced to do. You cannot dare someone to tell the truth either.”

All the ponies look at each other. “That’s...” AJ starts

“A lot better than the way it’s usually played.” Rarity finishes.

“Usually Truth or Dare is played by just... daring somepony to do whatever you want and then they get a turn forcing the other pony to do whatever they want or confess something.” Fluttershy explains.

I decide to clarify. “Nonono, this is played as a party game. So once Rainbow Dash chooses, I tell her what to do or ask her a question depending on her choice. Once she’s done, it’s her turn and she picks her next target.”

RD eyes me. “This is gonna be easy-peasy. Dare!”

I grin. “Discord, can I have some help? I need some stuff for this.”

Discord returns my grin, talons poised to snap. “What is it you need?”

I clear my throat. “I need a large jar and a mixing spoon.” Once I have that, I continue. “Okay, this stuff is going to go into the jar: triple-frozen/thawed spinach, juice from a can of asparagus, some wet flour, ground up earthworms and beetles for protein, blended sardines, bleu cheese for the smell, spicy mustard to give it some zest, chunky peanut butter to make it thick, prune juice for a little surprise later, and ten tablespoons of vinegar.” Everyone else looks grossed out, but I take the mixture and stir it with the mixing spoon. “I call this little treat ‘The Stuff’ and is by far my favorite recipe for revenge.” Then I hand the roughly liter-and-a-half jar of my vile concoction to Rainbow Dash. “Drink.”

“What? N- no, that’s... that could make me sick, no fair!”

I roll my eyes. “There is nothing unnatural in this, it’s disgusting yeah, but it will not hurt you. Unless you’re allergic to peanuts or something. Besides, you said this would be easy, so drink up, Dashie.”

Everyone stares at Rainbow Dash as she holds the jar of Stuff, Rarity staying as far away from the jar as possible like magnetic repulsion. Shakily, she lifts the jar to her mouth and cringes as she begins to drink the horrifying concoction.

For a second, she looks grossed out. Then disgusted. Then she collapses forward retching and slightly twitching.

“You... *pant* are- *hurk* horri- *gasp* horrible!”

I roll my eyes. “What’s your problem, Rarity? You aren’t the one who still has half a jar to drink.”

Rarity keeps her disgusted look, cringing as Dash shakily reaches for the jar again to complete her accepted task. This is glorious.

A few minutes later, Rainbow is on the floor, panting and trying to scrape her tongue off with her hooves. To little effect of course. “G- guuuh...”

I turn to Discord. “I think she wants some more-”

“No! *-ack* You... you’re s- *ulp* sick!”

“Actually, I’m crazy. You’re the one being sick at the moment.”

Dash stares at me for a moment with a look that makes me imagine she’s trying to give me a telepathic lobotomy, but then her eyes get as big as dinner plates. “I.. I uh,Igottago!”

Rainbow Dash bolts out of the room, leaving a prismatic blur, a loud whoosh, and more retching as she groans in what I assume is her first experience with the aftereffects of prune juice.

After about half an hour, Rainbow flies back in. Rather, hovering above the ground as Fluttershy rubs her back. I grin. “Wow Rainbow, you look like shit!”

“F- fuck you...” I roll my eyes at the half-hearted delivery of the insult... but I also gotta give her credit. It doesn’t look like The Stuff ever actually made her lose her lunch, just gag. Tough pony, this one.

“Alright sugarcube, yer turn, who’s it gonna be?” AJ drawls as a pair of Pinkies are dressed up in hazmat suits to dispose of the jar, one of them swearing she saw something move in it. This is fully possible of course, because the worms or beetles might not have been fully mashed. Upon hearing this bit of news, Rarity had a minute long coughing fit. Dash looks around at our little circle trying to decide. Her eyes go immediately for me, but all it takes is my mischievous grin and she rethinks her target. After all, if I pass, it’s my turn again.

“Pinkie!”

“Which one?”

“Uh... That one.” Dash points a hoof at the Pinkie in the middle of their little semicircle. “Truth or Dare?”

“Uhm... Truth! I can tell you anything, you’re all friends!”

I shrug off the rule misuse, deciding that with present company, it doesn’t matter who’s asking or around to hear the answer once you’ve picked ‘truth’. Must be part of the pony rules from the ‘challenger decides everything’ aspect.

“So whaddya wanna know, Dashie?”

“Uh... Hmmm...” Yeah, figured this might be a bit of a problem. With a tight-knit bunch of friends like these, one being the element of Honesty, I figure the only one who still has secrets here is Rarity. Oh well, Rainbow has to think of something to ask. “Well, one of your granmas was a vampony hunter, the other one is a... thing from Wunderland. What else has your family done? Why did your parents end up rock farmers after all the other neat stuff?”

Okay, credit where it’s due, that’s a good question.

“Well...” Pinkie thinks for a moment, as do the other two. “Momma Pie is a baker, and daddy Pie is a geological agriculturalist. That means he farms rocks. His pappy was an explorer, but momma Pie’s mom and dad were both in the Guard, though for different parts, and great granny-pie on momma Pie’s mom’s side was a vampony hunter, and she had foals with an architect and a high mage, but momma Pie says my great aunts are kinda stuck up. Oooh, and great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granny Biscuit on my momma’s momma’s daddy’s momma’s daddy’s daddy’s momma’s uncle was a general who served in the post-unification military of Celestia! We’ve still got his battle hammer; daddy uses it on really stubborn rocks.”

“Uh...” I have no idea what to say about that. Most of the others here appear to be suffering a similar level of information overdose.

“Alright, truth or dare, Rarity! Which is it going to be?”

“Uh... truth?”

“Do you ever wear stallion’s underwear?”

“What? No... I haven’t... how is this relevant...?”

The Pinkie shrugs. “Eh, just wanted to know. I heard a lot of fancy types like to ‘experiment’ with stuff, and I figured since you’re so fascinated with clothes-”

“No. I haven’t and I shant in the near future if I can help it...”

The Pinkie to the left raises a hoof. “Are you suuuuuuure? I think you might like it!”

“It’s not your turn, it’s mine! Subject change!” Rarity says hurriedly, avoiding everything about the subject. That said, imagining Rarity in a pair of boxer shorts is rather funny. Rarity darts her eyes around the room looking for a target and rest on me. “Anthony. Truth or dare?”

“Uhhhh...” Eh, what’s the worst that can happen? “Dare.”

Rarity hops up happily, a mood swing reminiscent of a sugar-high Pinkie. “Well, it’ll have to wait a bit, but some time when Twilight is feeling better, I’d like to use you as a model for some of my work. There aren’t many stallions in Ponyville who’d fit what I need, and you’re absolutely perfect for it.” She grins. That’s not so- wait, stallion? When the realization hits me, Rarity’s smile gets wider and the others have a giggle at my imminent transformation and hostage-dressing.

“Fine... My turn... Applejack.” All eyes turn to the farmer as she decides.

“Hmmm...” She grins. “Ah pick truth.”

Okay, I think we all saw that coming. I think of something that I could still ask that would be interesting to hear... I got it! “When Granny Smith kicks the bucket and you own Ponyville, what are you gonna do?”

AJ’s face goes pale, and the other ponies give shocked gasps. Discord, meanwhile, summons a bucket of pink popcorn.

I decide to explain for the possibly unaware. “When Celestia came by a while ago and got stoned off Rarity’s pot-brownies, she let a little tidbit slip. Granny Smith owns all of Ponyville and when she’s six-feet-under, AJ becomes baroness. The mayor’s boss as it were. So what would you do? Make some changes?”

AJ’s expression falls further. “Ah- ah don’t know. Why would ah think about that?”

I shrug. “Well, I mean, it’s gonna happen someday. Might as well be prepared for it and all, figure out what to do now so you aren’t in charge and clueless, y’know?”

“Ah... Ah guess... but mah answer still stands. Ah have no clue, cuz Ah haven’t thought much on it. She’s been here all mah life, after all.”

I nod. “Alright, I think that’s enough. Your turn AJ.”

“Uh, Pinkie. No, the other one. The other other one, dagnabbit, Ah’m pointin’ at ya!”

The Pinkie in question giggles. “Uhm, how about truth?”

“Anthony, I think you scared everypony away from the ‘dares’ part of this game.” Discord says. I can’t tell if he’s being sincere or condescending.

“Can’t help it. My brain’s wired for revenge.” I shrug. “But fine. No dares that could cause vomiting or... enhanced bowel movements.”

“Jerk.” Rainbow Dash mumbles, rubbing her stomach a bit.

“I swear, I will hold off on any ‘serious’ dares.” I say, holding my hand up in typical ‘oath’ style, with my thumb holding my pinkie so the middle three fingers stay up alone. “Scout’s honor.”

I get a few weird looks, and all three Pinkies and Dash giggle. I don’t get it.

“Well, partner, tell us... hmm... How do y’all tell th’ difference ‘tween th’ three of ya, anyway?”

“Well, I’m me, and that’s her, and that’s the other one!” all three of them chorus, each of them pointing at a different Pinkie for each title.

I roll my eyes. “Discord, paintbrush.” Once I’m armed with my art utensil I go up to the Pinkies and put a different symbol on each of their foreheads. One labelled with a ‘1’, the other getting an ‘A’ and ‘α’ for the last one. “There. Now we have a way to tell.”

Nobody seems to object this and so I guess it sticks. “So, uh, Pinkie α... your turn.”

“Discord!” Well that was quick.

The spirit ponders for a moment. “While I could easily accomplish just about anything you ponies could dream up, I choose truth. What do you want to ask the oldest being in existence? What sort of ancient truth would you like revea-”

“Who would you rather make out with? Twilight, or Fluttershy?” Dead silence. “Including tongue.” Pinkie α adds, a wide grin across her face, shared by the other two while the rest of the element bearers look on with intrigue, Fluttershy going completely red in the face.

Discord summons a grandfather clock attached to his relatively small paw and looks at it nervously. “Oh my, is it that late already? I’m sorry, but I must leave now!” Before any of us can grab him, he warps out leaving no trace.

I turn back to the group and smirk, tossing a small pouch into the middle of our circle. “Twenty Bits says it’s Sparkle!”

Rainbow fishes out a small bag of her own. “T’n’ty f’r F’tt’rshy.” She spits the bag out. “Twenty for Fluttershy. If anyone can ‘tame’ him, it’s her!” Dash says, nudging a quivering; thoroughly embarrassed Fluttershy.

I shrug. “Looks like it’s open for debate. Anyone else want to place their bets?”

Applejack ponders for a moment then chuckles. “Ten fer Twi ta win.” The coins clink down into the pile, followed by Rarity’s bet of “Fifty for Fluttershy.”

“R- Rarity, Rainbow, I’m not sure about-”

“Sixteen for Twilight!” Pinkie 1 and α shout simultaneously, dropping their money into the ring, Pinkie A putting her sixteen towards Fluttershy.

“Uhm... how would we even find out? I mean, Discord doesn’t seem like he’d say anything. How about we just all take our Bits back and-” Fluttershy is interrupted once more.

“C’mon Fluttershy, you throw some in for yourself too!” Rainbow urges her yellow friend, tossing some of her money into the pile. “She’s got this one no sweat! Twilight just annoys him, you should see how calm he is when he’s around Flutters here!”

Fluttershy squeaks out a response, which is cut short by Rarity. “I agree. She may not like the spotlight, but she is one of the prettiest ponies around, and would easily catch even a spirit’s eye!”

I shrug. “I’m not so sure. I mean, have you seen the way he and Twilight get on each other over the dumbest things? They act like a married couple already.”

Rarity opens her mouth for a rebuttal, but shuts it. “Okay, you have a point... but I’m still betting on Fluttershy.”

“Besides! She’s super snuggly!” Pinkies 1 and α squeeze Fluttershy in a big hug.

After a bit of time, things calm down and the eight of us relax, Discord still not returning. “So I dunno about you guys, but I’m kinda liking this aside from all the nobles. Celly’s job is annoying and boring, but it’s not difficult.”

“I think you don’t give her enough credit dear, though she is lucky to live in a place like this. You think I could get my boutique furnished with some things from here?”

I roll my eyes. “Sure, if it would fit. Most of this crap is supersized even for me. And the food... I swear Celestia must eat like a black hole.”

Rarity replies, “Casting magic takes a lot of effort, dear, I would image that raising the sun takes a truly monumental amount of energy. As such, her eating is perf-”

A loud bang rocks the room as the door is hurled open and a guard rushes in, looking frantic, cursing when he sees me. In the second it takes me to register the curse, he’s recomposed and speaks, sounding incredibly worried. “Sir, a Class-Four just made touch-down on the Dark Continent. I trust you’ve been briefed for your temporary leadership position in these matters, yes?”

“Uh... not really, but I’m good at filling in blanks. I assume you mean it’s another human, but I don’t know what Class-Four is. How would we get to the Dark Continent, and do we have any more accurate coords for the touch-down?”

“No, sir, we don’t. And yes, another human has touched down, and the class refers to their power levels. We should continue this conversation in a more secure location. Follow me.” The guard motions with a hoof.

“Just a sec. Rainbow, you come with me. When we have a better idea of what needs to happen, head to Ponyville and get Myrna and Anne. The rest of you, stay here and try to keep things going.” I turn back to the guard. “Alright, let’s go.”

Time to find out Celestia’s plans for the humans...

Chapter 203

After a brief trek, we come to what I can assume is the pony equivalent of a war-room, with a large table including a map of the continents and little pegs, markers, etc. all around it, the table itself circled by numerous chairs for just about any species imaginable. Rainbow and I sit down, the guard standing and indicating towards a portion of the world-map on the table labelled as the ‘Dark Continent’ and moving a marker towards the north-western portion of the continent shown there.

“The class-four was detected in this general area, we need to send a team down there to deal with it if it’s a demon. Either way, the fastest way to get to the Dark Continent is by boat from the Manehattan docks.”

I think about this and just imagine the table as an extra-large, modified Risk board. “If it’s not a demon and just a human refugee, we may not want to approach with many ponies, so I suggest we take a small team of humans with us.”

“Demonic presence or not, the Dark Continent isn’t anything like Equestria and is incredibly dangerous.”

I nod. “How quickly could we get to the Dark Continent?”

“It’s about a two-week course from Manehattan, which is the closest port to the destination.”

“Two weeks...”

“Assuming there are no complications getting there and the winds are in our favor for the entire trip, sir.”

I think about this. “Rainbow, is it at all possible for a crew of pegasi to be on board to keep a constant wind blowing at our backs?”

Dash seems a little new to the whole ‘war strategy’ mood going on, but composes herself quickly. “It depends on how many pegasi we could support, constant wind control would have to be done in shifts if the pegasi have to be flying along with the ship while maintaining a wind current.”

“Alright, we need a rather large boat to carry Myrna, but she can swim in an emergency.” I recall her rather speedy water-skimming trick. Should be helpful if she doesn’t have enough room to stretch on the boat. “And we’d need a small team of pegasi to help with filling the sails.”

“There are a few on the weather team I’d suggest, but if it has to go during the night as well, I’m not sure how quickly they’d be able to handle their shift while dealing with a schedule change of sleeping during the day.”

“Get whoever would work best.” I turn to the guard. “Do we have a boat already prepared?”

“Yes sir... sort of. There is a boat in the docks for making the trip, but it’s not meant for carrying many ponies at a time and is mostly designed to endure the long trek rather than make it quickly.”

I think about this. “See if we can’t find a way to refit it with bigger sails. Is that possible?”

The guard ponders. “I’m not a sailor, but I think we may be able to quickly enough.”

“And where is this boat docked exactly?”

“Here on the Southwestern coast, it’s called Neptune’s Fortune, and shouldn’t be hard to find, I can send a team down there to do a retrofitting of the sails.”

“Good. Rainbow, I need you to head to Ponyville and tell Myrna and Anne how they can get to the Manehattan docks, once they’re on their way, gather some ponies from your weather team and give them the info they need while you make your way to Manehattan.”

Rainbow gives a salute and gallops out of the room, rocketing out of the first open window she comes to.

“That leaves us to prepare for the trip including food among other things. About how many could the ship hold toal?”

“Last we checked, about thirty ponies, sir.”

“If Myrna stays curled up or spread out along the ship, we should be able to fit her as well as Anne, myself, and a small team of Pegasi.”

The guard turns to a castle servant and orders for a detachment to be sent to Manehattan with the materials they need for stocking the ship and upgrading it. “We’d have to keep rations tight if we wanted to move tomorrow morning, the soonest we’d be able to set sail.”

“That’s fine, I think we can manage. We have our travel situation covered, what can you tell me about the Dark Continent itself?”

“How much do you already know?” the guard asks.

“Nothing, I’ve rarely venture outside of Equestria at all. What’s the basic rundown? What would we expect to find there?”

“Ah... well, for the first thing, it’s home of the Hags, a loathsome race of evil magic users. We don’t know much more about them than that, though, as they tend to be very insular, and the few encountered away from their continent have been invariably hostile.”

“Possibility of the class-four encountering the hags? Rough estimate.”

“It’s been more than half an hour. Depending on how mobile they are, it could be either very likely, as hags are territorial, or not at all, if whoever it is is remaining in place. Hags don’t have many cities, as far as we know.”

“And if they do encounter each other, would a class-four be able to fight off a hag by itself?”

“That depends on the hag in question. We know of five types, and two can be handled by a dedicated unicorn if they know what they’re doing. A class four should be fine.”

“Alright, get an archivist or whatever to head to the library and get me some texts on whatever is known about the Dark Continent. I’m not about to run into unknown territory totally blind and have to potentially deal with a demon on top of that.” I check a clock and it’s nearing midnight. “Have the books moved to the ship, I can study while we’re en route.”

“At once. There are many dangerous beasts, both magical and not, known to inhabit those shores. If... if you’re heading off, you’ll need to request the Princesses return, sir. There’s nopony else to act as a standing regent while you’re all gone, sir.”

Damnit. “Fine, have someone call them back and explain the situation.” They really seemed like they needed this break, but I guess there’s no accounting for when shit happens. “When they get back, or while they’re returning, bring them up to speed and let me know if they have any better plans. I’ll already be on the water by this time probably, so use a sending spell or something.”

“Of course, sir.” the guard turns to another guard and nods, before both begin to move out. A few other guards are in the room, working at their own little desks, keeping serious eyes on their papers.

With all that settled, I guess all there is to do is to head to Manehattan myself and help with preparing the ship. I was never a sailor or well-versed in boats, but if this is as serious as it sounds, we’re gonna need to be out to the Dark Continent ASAP.

The train ride takes a few hours and it’s almost dawn... or at least it should be, the sky is still dark.

I hop off the train and get directions to the docks. After a bit of searching I find the boat and with a quick jolt the sun shoots up over the water. Guess Celly got the news and is in a rush.

Looking over the boat, I see that the sail has been given a very patchwork upgrade, but it looks sturdy enough to hold a strong wind. I leap up the ramp and head for the inside on the back of the deck. I see a stack of books and scrolls which seem to be maps, and the requested information on the Dark Continent. I sit down and grab what seems to be an encyclopedia. First off, how big is this place... okay, that’s pretty darn big. Checking the map I see a marking of where we should be making land and one for where the Class-Four Touchdown was first detected. Looks like a bit of a trek.

I search my books for terrain info, see what kind of land we’d be walking through. Okay, we start at a black-sand beach and there’s a transition to a large river delta, shrouded by a marsh and the touchdown seems to be on the far end of a plain beyond that.

We don’t know if this is a demon or a refugee though. This could either be ‘Heart of Darkness’ or ‘Saving Private Ryan’ and I don’t like the thought of living either of those flicks.

I hear a couple of loud ‘Woosh’ noises outside and I see that Rainbow and some of her weather team have arrived. I leap down the ramp to the dock. “Dash, the sail’s been redone, think your team can keep this thing at top speed for two weeks?”

“Two weeks?” one pegasus exclaims.

“Yeah.” I reply. “Two weeks. Can’t handle it?”

“They can handle it.” Rainbow assures me, then looks up at the sail. “Hmmm... This doesn’t look too stable. We could keep it going the whole way there and back but we’d have to be careful not to overdo it or this thing could bust open.”

I sigh. “Any seamsters in this group?” No hooves raise and the group looks around amongst each other. “Damnit, fine. Dash, you get them situated on-board. When Myrna and Anne get here, we leave for the Dark Continent- does anyone have a shorter name for the place?”

Rainbow Dash shrugs. “None that I know of. But Anne and Myrna were informed before I rounded up the team and they were on the first train here. They should get to the Manehattan station in three hours.”

“Works for me. Seems Celestia is aware of the situation. If anyone gets a message from her, bring it to me.”

“Wait... the Dark Continent! I heard Drizzle say her friend’s cousin’s Aunt went out there once and nopony ever heard from her again!” one of the pegasi speaks up.

I sigh again. “You’re the propulsion, not the rescue team-slash-hit squad. You’re all staying by the boat except Rainbow Dash. Last I knew, Anne was having trouble with flat-ground takeoffs and we’ll need an aerial scout.”

Rainbow nods and turns to her group. “Alright team, let’s get on board and get a shift schedule started, I’m gonna need at least three pegasi in the air every hour. Slackers aren’t tolerated!”

I let out a relieved sigh. At least I’m not the only one here who understands how serious this is. I follow the pegasi onto the ship and head back to my books. After a while of studying the various creatures we’d likely find aside from hags, I think we should make this just fine as long as everyone plays this smart and we make it to the Continent in one piece.

“Anthony?”

I turn and see Anne in the doorway. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t notice her chest first, but what really caught my eye was- “Left wing.”

“Huh?”

“Your left wing. Some of those edges look a bit dull. I’m gonna need you sharp and fast if we’re gonna survive out there.”

“Wh- what?”

“Look if you need to slice your way through some foliage or cut down some multi-headed beast I don’t want you getting your wing stuck in the process. Sharpen that up best you can.”

“Uh... can you excuse me for a second?”

“Make it quick, we shove off the second you and Myrna are ready.”

Anne nods and ducks out of the doorway back onto the deck. A few minutes later, Myrna slithers in, most of her ‘tail’ probably bunched up on the deck as she worms her way into the room. “Hey there Anthony. You feeling alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine as long as this goes smoothly. I already told Anne I need you both in top shape. I trust you’ve been practicing with your stone powers?”

“Well, mainly molding, but yeah.”

“Alright. But if we need a thick emergency wall, you better be up to it.”

“Wow, Anne was right. What the heck is eating you? You’re acting all-”

“What?” I snap. “Worried? Stressed? Bossy? Look missy, we’re either dealing with an escaped refugee just like you and Anne, or a potential threat with unknown powers. We need to be on the ball here. We slip up out there and there won’t be anyone around to carry us back to the hospital. If I lose you two out there, I’m-”

“Chill out Anthony, it’s gonna be fine. You’re stressed, I get it, but we’ll be okay. This is serious, but if you’re just a shouting ball of nerves the whole way there, you’ll be a wreck.” She grabs me in a hug and I return it, her strong arms making me feel better.

“I just... I’ve played war games and strategy games and this is how I’ve always played them. If you don’t cover your ass every step of the way and stay sharp, you’re screwed along with your friends. I’m either in total control or everything gets fucked up, and this is our first ‘mission’. I can’t mess this up.”

“You won’t. You’ll be fine. Just relax, okay?”

“Okay.” I feel something slide up my neck and realize one of Myrna’s hair snakes is, well the best I can describe what it seems to be attempting is feeling me up.

“Uh... you uh, mind reeling in your roommate there?”

“Oop! Sorry.” The snake makes a reluctant retreat back up to her shoulders. She’s blushing slightly behind her facial scales.

“Hey, no problem, just... dinner first, okay?” I grin. “I’m not like a horny teenager out for a quick lay. I like my girls to stay awhile.”

“Well, y’know, I have bought you dinner once already...”

“You wanna cash that in now?” I ask, leaning on her shoulder.

“Heh, nah, just pointing it out. Ya gotta watch your phrasing, after all.”

“Only if I say something I didn’t intend to. Anyway, we should get this boat moving.”

She looks at me a little funny. “Anthony, we’ve been moving for about five minutes, now.” Sure enough, a quick peek out the one window shows the shore getting rapidly distant. Huh, taking ‘smooth sailing’ to a new level, I guess.

I return my attention to Myrna. “And my excuse for that one is: I was distracted.”

“Of course you were, I remember you freaking out a little the last time I saw you on water.”

“Last time you saw me over water you were carrying me with nothing below us. I’m perfectly fine with boats. Though I’ve never caught a single dang thing on any fishing trip I’ve been on.”

“Aww, can’t fish? I’ll have to show you a good marsh some time and ‘fish’ for a crocodile. They’re good eatin’, and I think I could be strong enough now to take one on directly.”

“Prove you can and I’ll do all the skinning and cooking. Just a warning, I like my croc spicy.”

Myrna laughs and sets me down. “Anyways, I’m going to go check out the rest of the ship, and make sure my stuff is stowed correctly.”

“You do that. I’ll just be here reading about our destination. Flirting and jokes aside, it could be real dangerous.”

“Oh, I’ve got a lot of supplies. Dad was in the marines, oh-so-long ago; I know how to pack for survival.”

“Well if you’re set, then I guess we just need to get Anne up to speed. I am an ex-Boy Scout and all.”

“Really, now? Know any good knots?” I think over the few I can remember immediately, others coming to mind.

“Yeah. I could show you one I just came up with myself. I call it the ‘Proud Serpent’. Wanna see how it goes?”

“I don’t wanna see your ‘proud serpent’, Anthony, you gotta buy me dinner first.”

“The serpent isn’t referring to me. You afraid of a little ‘girl-on-top’?”

“Okay, the innuendos are getting thick enough to have their own ego; I’m out.” she says, a joking tone in her voice and a smile on her lips. “I have to make sure my stuff is stowed, we can talk later.”

“Alright alright, seeya later. Though I wonder if Anne’s up for-”

“No! Uhhhh... I mean...”

“Oh no.” I reply to the voice from outside the door. “A creeper. Looks like I’m gonna need... a pussy.” A moment of waiting later, I curse at her lack of gaming. Anyone could’ve gotten the Minecraft reference.

I look out the window again and see it’s almost afternoon and I’ve been up all night long... I’m gonna take a nap. I vaguely remember something about someone at the door or something... eh, I’d remember if it was important.

Chapter 204

The trip was long but luckily we have more than half of our original food supply left, meaning we don’t have to be as stingy about it on the way back. I look at the map and the vague lines of land poking out over the waves. According to this map, we’ll be on a beach with a rather rough inlet but it looks big enough for a boat. A few minutes later, a pegasus shouts out something and I head up the deck. I assume they were yelling about land as that’s very apparent, as well as... are those buildings? How old is this map? I look around the corners and margins, but it seems cartographers don’t date their work here.

After a few moments, a shout of shock and dismay from the lookout echoes the same sentiments in my head, as I see that the ‘buildings’ are actually towering spires of black-and-green coral, each jagged point coming higher than the railing of the deck itself. The fog and mist that swirls just beyond them seems to taunt us, as there’s absolutely no way of getting through without shredding the ship, though it should be clear sailing after that. I’d have to go in a rowboat or something.

Unless we can make the land work in our favor. “Stop the wind, slow us down a bit. Myrna, get up here.” When we’ve slowed to about half our rate and Myrna’s in front of me I relay my thoughts. “Don’t know how good you are with terraforming, but see if you can do something about that coral.”

“Anthony, that’s live coral! You can’t just smash it! It’s alive!” Myrna protests.

“Fine, guess we’re taking a rowboat. How about you come up with a way to anchor this boat here so the current doesn’t pull it away while we’re gone?”

The sailors are already anchoring us before I’ve finished the command, the captain shouting orders around, the rowboat already laden with our supplies, which include everything from spare clothes and food to a couple of simple weapons and some gold and silver coins for trading if need be.

I hop in the rowboat and grab a roughly-made iron dagger from the tools available. It’s a bit of trouble getting around the coral as I’ve never rowed anything other than a kayak once, but I make it to shore in time to meet Anne, touching down next to Myrna and Dash who’ve already made it. I notice that this area really is not the beach the map said was here. A series of shacks and ramshackle huts stand on spindly supports over the water, fog curling around them and obscuring all but the eerie blue, green, and red lights inside of the various lanterns and from within the buildings. A few dozen rickety little rowboats are tied up to platforms at the water’s edge.

I can’t even see the shore from here, but I can see some hunched, humanoid figures... which basically matches the general description of a ‘Hag’ from the books I read, but there was basically a lot of references to them basically being giants. Which doesn't make any sense...

Until we run up beside one of the ‘little rowboats’ tethered nearby and realize it’s more than half-again as big as my own. I gulp as my boat finally comes to what looks like a dock, though the edge is a half-foot above the edge of my own vessel. A hunched figure stands, holding a lantern on a long stick.

I recall there wasn’t anything in the books about hags speaking, only hearing mention of them using some odd speaking when casting spells. I decide to take a chance. “Hi. You speak Engl- Equestrian?”

The figure slowly moves, shrouded in shadows and a long cowl. A scratchy voice emits from under the hood. “Greetings, travelers. Come you here in peace?” Myrna, sliding over the water, has settled up next to the dock beside me.

“We are here for a... disturbance. There’s been a report of a rather notable individual appearing on your Continent. Our job is to find them and take them to Equestria if friendly. If hostile, we’re to kill it.”

“... Come you here in peace? Be your answer yea or no?” The figure sounds confused.

I sigh. “Yea.”

“Then be welcome in the Black Port. If ye be in need of residence, your mistress may be well to consider the inn down the walk.” the figure pauses for a moment. “Be it known the Port bears no malice toward Warlocks, but do not act out of turn. Bear you payment for use of this dock, and for how long?”

I turn to Myrna. “The continent is mostly marsh, at least from here to where the Class-Four touched down. I don’t think it would take long. What do you think?” I hand the map over so she can give her opinion.

“Probably only a few days, we don’t have enough supplies for longer anyways.” Myrna turns her attention up to the cowled figure, “How much is a four-day tie up?”

“Four nights bears a little fee, for thou. What bear you for payment? I am amenable to coinage if you bear it.” a hand the size of my face extends from the hooded shape, palm up. I remember the money was left in my bags, which are in front of me in the rowboat.

I wonder if, given the Bit system, gold is worth more than silver here... Well, might as well try. “Gold and silver for payment if acceptable.” I reply, handing five of both coin types into the large hand. “Is this sufficient?”

“That is enough, Warlock. I accept thy payment.” The hand withdraws, and a pair of lights, like green embers, burn where I guess the hag’s eyes are, and vines suddenly wrap securely around the rowboat’s frame, locking it in place. “The binding will be gone in four nights. Return, else it will be sunk.” The hag suddenly seems to grow, before I realize it just stood up, more than doubling its height. The hag moves off into the mist, lantern swinging from over its shoulder.

I gesture for Dash and Anne to land, Rainbow doing so arguably more graceful than Anne. “So, see anything worth mentioning up there?”

“Lots of lights on the shore, but they stop only a little ways into the forest on the marsh.” Anne says. “I couldn’t make out much beyond that in this fog, though.”

Dash nods. “About what I saw. Also, these fog clouds are really squishy. It’s like soggy bread under my hooves, not like real clouds, or even the fog the weather factory makes.”

“Could the weather team move it?”

“Yeah, but it’d feel gross, and idunno if the locals would like that.” Dash replies, giving suspicious looks at the few bundled hags moving slowly across the planks. The town is eerily quiet beside the creaking wood, movement of the waves, and the slight sounds of insects in the distance.

“Then we should all move on foot to avoid getting lost in the fog. Everyone got whatever supplies they might need? Since we’re on a time limit here, we probably shouldn’t go back until we’re done here.”

“Yeah, we’re all packed.” Anne reports. “I made sure before we left.” On her back is a giant external-frame backpack loaded with supplies, a comparably-sized one on Myrna’s. Dash has much smaller bags, but she’s basically a scout anyways, so that’s alright. And I have two bags, one a backpack, the other with a  few others things I thought I might need.

“Alright, we have a general idea of our destination, where we are, and a compass. Let’s not waste time.” I gesture into the foggy marsh towards where the compass says we should be heading.

The four of us begin moving along, though the Hags are definitely looking at Dash. It’s obviously making her uncomfortable, as she’s beginning to poof up like a frightened cat. Even her tail kinda goes straight. It’s not really intimidating, but I guess if it makes her feel better...

Surprisingly, Myrna, Anne, and I don’t seem to be getting many odd looks at all, though I’m pretty sure I catch a few whispers and such directed at the girls. A few sound like... pity? Yeah, like pity or derision, possibly a mix thereof.

We just keep moving along. Our job is to get in, figure out what’s up, and leave. As long as we leave the hags alone, they’ll leave us alone... right?

Either way, we continue on, the marsh looking pretty much exactly the same in every direction due to the fog. But as long as this compass keeps pointing North, I know where we’re going... just not exactly where we are since the map isn’t very detailed.

After some walking over what feels like half-rotted planks and a setting fresh from some bayou-centered horror movie -maybe creature from the black lagoon? That might be fun to introduce to ponykind later- we finally find our way to the marshy ground, descending a flight of wobbly stairs that appeared to be more slime-mold than wood.

The ground itself is muddy and wet, and I sink halfway up my shins almost instantly, and both Anne and Rainbow Dash take flight to avoid stepping in it after they hear my foot ‘squish-plop’ into it.

“Well, can’t say this is the weirdest stuff I’ve been in, but it is the grossest.” I continue trudging through the muck as I try to make steps high enough to get my feet out of the goop as I walk. The fog is getting a little annoying so I decide to try fighting it off; hold my hand up in front of me, a swirl of embers running along my fingers.

A few seconds later, I feel myself get pulled from the sucking muck by Myrna and Anne, my eyebrows smoking slightly. “Okay...” I mutter, dazed. “Bad idea. Anyone got a better plan to let us see in this?”

“... We should probably ask for one of those lanterns the hags were using. They didn’t seem to light this stuff on fire.”

“Alright, fine...” I look around for a light, indicating a nearby hag. I saw a few a little ways back, but they all seem gone now. “Looks like we aren’t getting any help from them. Let’s just keep going, we don’t want to waste time if we can help it.”

After getting my bearings again, we head off into the marsh again, towering trees and a few rotted husks lining the muddy expanse. Pools of standing water dot the landscape between the trees, and the ever-present fog blurs details further than a few yards away. This is not going to be a fun trip.

“So as the current foremost expert on this place...” I begin. “I’m totally fucking lost. Rainbow, see if you can get above the fog, find out where we’re going.”

“Right-o!” She yells, then rockets away, straight up. A cylindrical tube of clear air is left in her wake, before it collapses into the mist around it.

For a minute, we wait.

And we wait a little more.

And a bit more. Anne and Myrna both look worried.

A faint noise catches my attention, but it’s muffled. I look around, trying to find the source.

“Girls!”

I whirl around, sure I heard something this time.

“Hellooo?”

Idefinitely heard that!

Turning towards the sound once more, I see a faint blue shape moving in the fog, not quite moving towards us.

“Rainbow? That you? Whatcha see up there?”

The blue shape stops, then moves towards us directly. After a few moments, Rainbow Dash, flying parallel to the ground, meets up with us again. “There you gals are! Where did you go? I got above the fog, but it’s so thick I can barely even see the tops of these trees!” she sounds a little panicked. “I thought you guys had left without me.”

“We wouldn’t bring you along if we intended to ditch you. But if you really can’t see anything, then I guess we just keep going straight until we find some sort of landmark.”

“O-okay.” Dash hovers a little closer to us, and we start off again.

“Don’t tell me Equestria’s bravest daredevil is cared of a sticky, foggy swamp...” if I can rile her up, it’ll probably get a bit of her usual cockiness back.

“Pfft, nah. I, uh, just don’t like being left behind, y’know?”

“Yeah, we get it. So exactly how far up did you have to go to get past the fogbank? Rough estimate of how thick this stuff really is.”

“Idunno... about ten, fifteen yards? It’s just barely under the tops of the trees, too. If it weren’t for most of them being broken off halfway, I bet there’d be no light down here, even though it’s noon.”

“So no chance of increasing visibility down here? I swear it’s getting worse the farther we go.” I hold up my hand to see if it’s visible. It is, but very obscured.

“Not really. I might be able to budge some from around us, but that’s really tiring. I don’t take naps all the time because I’m lazy y’know.”

“I figured it was because your hobby involves high-altitudes, your lungs adapted to low oxygen so when you’re closer to the ground, the extra oxygen intake makes you sleepy.”

“... Huh, that’s a neat excuse, I might use that sometime. But nah, it’s mostly because Weather Captain is a twenty-six-hour job. Weather waits for no mare, after all, and I could be needed at any time of the day or night to deal with some rogue clouds or rampaging fog bank coming from the Everfree.”

“So if you need to be there all the time but that’s kind of impossible, who fills in while you’re off being a superhero?”

“Well, I’m not on duty every day, of course. Most of the time, Blossomforth is my co-captain, and we’re a good team. She also helps pick up the slack when I’m away, and it gets her a fat extra paycheck from Canterlot whenever that happens.”

“Well, all I know for sure is that I am going to ask Rarity for new shoes after this. I swear they’re so mucked up I can barely tell I’m wearing any.”

“Eh, Anthony? You’re not. You literally got blown out of them back there.” Myrna tells me.

“Well that’s just great... oh well, one thing at a time. Let’s just try and get through this crap and hope the fog thins out a bit.”

I don’t think I ever truly understood the verb ‘slogging’ until today. It’s high noon and my feet are covered in god knows what swamp muck up to my shins, making the most disgusting noise I can imagine as the ground tries to swallow my legs with every step. This is a new level of ‘gross’. All I can think about is moving forward and trying to keep my balance so I don’t fall into this shit face-first.

I’m jolted out of a semi-trance by Myrna, tapping on my shoulder. “Anthony,” she whispers, “stop walking.”

“What?” I whisper back, freezing in place. “Something found us?” I reach for the dagger in my pocket before I notice that the muffled ‘jungle-noises’ have stopped, replaced with a slow but steady ‘squish-plop’, the same sound my feet make in the mud. Except... I just stopped moving, Anne and RD are flying, and Myrna’s been sliding along smoothly.

Leaving the dagger where it is, I reach for my other side and grip the sword at my belt. I have a feeling I’d want a weapon I know how to use. Hand to the handle, I wait for the sound to get closer.

Slowly, a human shape takes form in the mist behind us, moving steadily into view. It looks like a person... but something in my gut is telling me that’s the wrong assumption to make.

Rule one of nature: Bigger fish win. I let go of my sword and grow until I tower over the figure by about ten feet. “Friend or foe?”

The figure doesn’t answer, still moving steadily. Squish-plop, squish-plop, squish-plop-plop...

Wait, that’s not right... I turn around as the realization hits me. The fog is muffling the noises. There’s more than one set of footplops heading towards us. From my higher vantage point, the figures are more obscured than from ground level, but I can tell there’s at least a dozen of them. Probably more, with the way every squish-plop seems to have an echo.

Alright, strategy change. Shrinking down, I start up my Dynamo form. “Myrna, ground yourself.” I whisper. “I’m gonna see how well this muck conducts.”

Myrna simply takes a deep breath and slides into the mud, leaving no trace beyond a slight ripple and a sound like a shoe being dropped in pudding.

Good enough. “One more chance. Friend or foe?”

The sounds continue unabated, though a new one is added to the mix: an eerie chuckle, carried on a non-existent wind.

I charge up and send a shockwave down my legs across the top, slimiest layer of the murk. The strangest sensation returns back up my legs, and I get the vague feeling of more than three dozen things in the murk around me with pulses - none of which correspond to the figures shambling forth. Weird sensations aside, the shapes don’t seem to notice the electrical discharge, beyond seeming to pick up the pace a little. They’ll be fully visible in a few moments.

Okay, size reduces visibility, electricity doesn’t help, and fire would turn me into KFC so... Sword time I guess. Drawing my weapon, I aim it at one of the vague shapes. “Think something’s funny, chuckles?”

The disembodied laughter returns for a moment, and then the shapes finally come close enough to resolve what they are.

They’re zombies. Of course it’s fucking zombies. Creepy black swamp with evil laughter in the air? Gotta be zombies. What’s weird, though, is that they look like human zombies, minus a few that look much too large, but hunched over into nearly the same look.

“Anne, gonna need some help. Dash, see if you can knock some down, just don’t expect them to stay down.” I raise my sword to a defensive position as I turn around, looking for whichever of the zombie-things is closest.

One of the more human ones moves closer by way of a stumble; likely a root or something. Either way, it’s closest now. I swing my sword in its direction, aiming a wave of electricity at the humanoid. Never really clear with how zombies react to electricity, but worth a shot.

The electrical lance pours out, turning into a white-blue blade of crackling energy, nearly blinding in its intensity. The heat sets a wave of fire to follow the blade’s movements, like a rolling explosion following the swing. Judging by the way the electricity blade goes right through the undead, it’s probably for the best, as the ensuing detonation from swing blows it up from waistline to hairline. Cutting the power, the blade vanishes with a crackle of ozone, a bed of baked mud trapping the zombie’s legs in place.

“Got your number, creeps. Uh... where’s that backup? Gonna need some help here.” I take another swing at the horde.

 Suddenly, four of the zombies are pinned to the muck by what looks like meter-long, gleaming spears. They wiggle and thrash weakly, but tirelessly. A ripple in the fog, and pair of zombies fall in two, their torsos beginning to crawl towards me as their legs flail. Next, a sharp crack splits the air, and the fog is cleared out in a wide circle, RD visible high above and rising fast with the fog sucked up behind her.

Thankful for the improved visibility, I take the chance to move around the horde. Their slow movements making it easy to get behind some and cutting a decent-sized row of them into halves, their torsos falling into the muck. Keeping my distance from them anyway, I move onto some more coming from out of the quickly returning fog.

The torsos begin moving towards me as well, until a series of stone hands erupt from the slimy mud and grab them, restraining them rather than damaging them. The hands then retreat into the ground below, the torsos vanishing with the sound of a shoe in pudding.

I need to find a better onomatopoeia for that sound. Not to mention, a shotgun would be nice here. Until then, I deal with melee weapons. I cut my way through another row and wonder where they’re all coming from. “Myrna, can you keep them from moving? Dry this muck up and trap them like instant cement?”

Myrna slides from the mud, not a single spatter sticking to her. “No, not really. I can drag them into the rock and dirt underneath, though. They don’t seem to notice me when I’m underground.” she says. Her arms are covered in stony gauntlets, and her human body is similarly armored. Where her backpack is, I have no idea.

“Assuming you can’t petrify them, that ‘pull them under’ trick is the best we have, we need major crowd control. My mid-range swings aren’t stopping enough of them.”

“They don’t seem to have eyes, any of them. I think we need to retreat.” Another set of zombies are pinned to the ground or trees, leaving them unable to do more than lash out in my general direction.

A sinister growl echoes from the encroaching fog, and I see Dash coming back down to draw away the fog again. Suddenly I have a stupid, dangerous, possibly effective idea. “Everyone huddle together, Myrna, give us a small bunker and make it thick.”

Myrna begins making motions with her arms, and thick sections of stones, like flower petals, begin closing over us. I stick the tip of the Sword through one of the cracks before it closes, and Myrna obligingly flows the stone around it. Once we’re in the dark core of the foot-thick stone...

“Fire in the hole, you undead bastards.” I channel fire through the sword-

KRAK-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

“Alright, that should clear enough of them for us to get away, let’s get out of here!” Nobody argues as we make our way out of the area as fast as possible. The fog is still thick, but given the amount of ringing that explosion caused in my ears from inside the bunker, I say I roasted most of them.

After nearly half an hour of slogging at top speed through the mushy earth, we find ourselves at the edge of what is more definitely a bog than a marsh, and my legs are soaked and freezing cold. Myrna is kind enough to lift me onto the back of her coils as she starts sliding along the tops of the frigid water. She looks rather uncomfortable, but she looks like she’s bearing it.

We eventually cross a warm, flowing river, several eight-yard-long ‘logs’ very suddenly vacating the area as Myrna slithers across the water. Eventually, we find ourselves back at the edge of the water, this time much further along. In a few places, the muddy water would’ve been deep enough for me to stand upright and still have my head a few inches under the water. However, the air is starting to warm, and we’re on drier land.

A few minutes of walking, and I trip on something knee-high hidden in the waist-high muck. I windmill my arms in an attempt to regain my balance, but the damage is done; I fall flat on my face- onto somewhat damp dirt. Huh. I... think we may have found the edge of the swamp?

I look up, wiping the dirt from my face. Ahead of me is a strip of forest, then wide open flatlands, without any traces of fog remaining. I pull myself onto the dirt and dry myself off with my heat form. “Any of you cold or wet, get over here then we set up camp for the evening.”

The other three make various noises of assent, and we begin working on getting a camp set up. Unfortunately, I’ve got an inch-and-a-half thick layer of mud caked to my pants, so it looks like they’re going to have to go if I’m going to warm up.

I peel them off and do my best to find some clean-ish water to wash them in. The closest I can get is ‘dirty water’ but it’s a step above ‘muddy’ so I dry myself off, then get to work on scrubbing the muck off my pants and underwear.

“Uh... Anthony? Er, d’ya need to be, er, hangin’ out right now, man?” Rainbow Dash asks, blushing slightly as she stares at, ah, me.

“Well I don’t have anything to cover up with until I can clean off my clothes. Don’t like it, don’t stare, perv.”

“You’re the one hangin’ outta your sheath over there, buddy.”

“What sheath? The one humans don’t have?”

“Wait, what?” Dash says, sounding confused. Anne reaches over and pulls her closer, then leans in and begins whispering to her. “Wh- you mean it’s out all the time?! That’s gross!” Dash says, recoiling away from me. “Man, that’s just weird, dude. How do you humans stand it?”

“By wearing clothes to cover it up, duh! Why do you think I find it kinda weird that you ponies walk all over the place wearing your birthday suits?”

“Yeah, but we got, like, fur and stuff!”

“As I recall you saying when I first got here, you already noticed I was... how did you put it, bald? You’re just realizing what that means now?”

“Uh... Can’t say I thought about it before. It’s not like I went around imagining you naked or anything.” Dash states indignantly.

“Don’t give me crap for the way I was born and I won’t do the same to you, deal?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just point that shrinky dink somewhere else, alright?”

“It’s not ‘pointing’ anywhere right now. I need to be thinking about a desirable girl for that to happen, Dashie.” I smirk.

Myrna presses herself against my back. “What, are we invisible, then?”

“No, I just wasn’t thinking about you- I mean, uh...”

“Oh, look, he’s coming up to join the party!” Anne yells, pointing between my legs.

“Perverts. But hey, you don’t have anyone to blame but yourselves. Now can I get back to cleaning my pants?”

Both of the girls mocking me as I shift a bit uncomfortably slowly withdraw, giggling, as I finish scrubbing my pants as best I can. Lucky not-ground-restricted people getting to not have to clean their pants. “If you had to get naked too, you’d be singing a different tune!”

I stop for a moment. Huh... I’m the only one here actually wearing pants. Myrna and Anne are both wearing long shirts, and Dash is a pony, so...

A pair of shirts flop in front of me, accompanied by more giggles and a bra. “Can you get those hung up to dry, pretty please?”

“You just like a guy who can do laundry... but sure.” I toss the shirts onto a low-hanging tree branch.

“Hey, I’m not sexist...” Dash says from somewhere behind me.

“Wasn’t talking to you. You don’t have anything to take off. That said, I have always wondered how long it’d take for a shaved pony’s coat to grow back.” I turn to give Rainbow an evil grin, summoning some coal from the bag of supplies and making an electric razor blade.

“Uh... no thanks?” Dash says, edging further away from me. Neither Anne nor Myrna are wearing anything, and both are sprawled out in the late afternoon sun on their backs, only a short distance from the fire.

“You know, I figured the flirting on the ride here would end when we got off the boat, but if you just fling your clothes at me like a pair of strippers, I’m gonna have to remind you I don’t like the ‘horny teenager’ type.”

“Wait, you actually think you have a chance of getting laid this trip?” Myrna says, peeking up from behind her boobs. “Dude, I’m just getting some sun. It feels warmer out here than near ponyville. And the ground was colder back in the swamp. This feels nice.” Anne just gives a small whistling snore.

“Sure, that’s your excuse. Also, I just said I wasn’t planning on getting laid on this little adventure, but if you girls keep teasing, it won’t be my fault if we do end up spending some ‘time’ together.”

Rainbow tries to act indignant. “Yeah well, why would they? I mean, you are kinda dinky down there, dude.”

“You call it small. I call it ‘one-size fits all’ Dashie.”

“Fits all what, pinholes?”

“Would you like to find out?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“Aww, no, disgusting! Geez, what a perv...”

“You’re the one who can’t stop talking about it. Besides, what’s your deal? I thought you and Mac were getting closer. Don’t tell me you haven’t already.”

“Haven’t already what?”

“Had him bend you over and fuck your brains out.” I reply, finally getting the last of the dirt off. I move to speed-drying. “What else?”

“Aw, ew, man! I’m not gonna take advantage of him like that!”

“Take advantage... oh, lemme guess, more gender reversal stuff, right?”

“Uh, what?”

“Like how your cultural language usually has hints of females being the dominant gender. In human history, though much less so at this point, it was mostly a ‘the guy is in charge’ deal.”

“That’s so weird, though. You guys are so messed up, y’know.”

“We’re messed up? You guys are the weird ones, having a bunch of your human-equivalent positions replacing ‘Man’ with ‘Mare’.”

“Well, that just makes sense. I mean, stallions can work nowadays, but, like, a hundred years ago or whatever, they just didn’t. Too dangerous, cuz there’s so few. I mean, it’s not right, cuz they didn’t have a lotta rights, but it makes sense. And heck, it looks like humans are the same, too! There’s one guy, and two girls right now. And, I guess, Clark’s a demon, so he doesn’t count.”

“Alright Dash, you just went from ‘misinformed’ to ‘really stupid’ with just that. Let’s just get to sleep before I lump your head.”

“Oh, fine...” Dash says, pulling out a can. She takes off the top, and a small, fluffy cloud forms, which she collapses onto. “Oh, who’s gonna be on guard first? Ya gotta have guards each night, or stuff gets stolen and stuff. I read that in a Daring Do book.”

I’m about to give a rebuttal about Daring Do being tripe, but she’s right. “Yeah fine, I’ll stay up for the first few hours, then it’s your turn and it continues clockwise, we switch every three hours. Any objections?”

Myrna and Anne snort in their sleep, the larger gorgan rolling onto her side as she curls into a large ball of snake.

“Fine... four hour shifts.”

Chapter 205

Beyond the forest filled with fog, lies a great plains. Tall grass, short grass, and the occasional tree are visible from the campsite as we pack up in the morning. The day is actually really nice, if a little hot, but my clothes are mostly clean, and all it does is encourage me and Myrna to go without our shirts. Me because it’s hot; her because she wants more skin exposure to the sun. She’s moving faster the more she heats up, too.

“Y’know, I can carry you, Anthony.” Myrna says, looking over her shoulder as she winds through another tuft of grass that’s thick enough to slow me down.

“Yeah, and I can touch my tongue to my elbow. What’s your point?”

“Just know the offer is on the table. Anyways, we have any idea where we’re heading?”

I check the map and look at the compass. “Well, since it’s one of the few landmarks on this crappy map, we’re heading for a big rock thing that looks like a mountain or just an exceptionally large boulder. Other than that I’m totally fucking lost.”

“You mean that one?” I hear Dash call from above. I look up, and see she’s made herself into an aerial pointer, and look in the direction she’s pointing. I can’t see anything.

“No, the other patch of whatever we can’t see from the ground.”

“How the hey can you not see it? It’s, like, a bajillion miles tall!”

“I’m not sure, why don’t you land for once and find out?”

“But the wind and thermals are soooo nice up here!” Dash calls back down, rolling onto her back to make her point. Anne, gleaming like an anti-stealth jet, wings by as well.

“We aren’t on vacation, we’re on a rescue or search and destroy mission.”

“But why can’t we enjoy it? I mean, how often do you get air th-” and without warning, she just vanishes.

I sigh. Either she pulled some weird trick to freak me out or something bad happened. “You alright there, Rainbow?”

No answer. Anne calls down, “I don’t see her! She just sorta van-” and now she’s gone. The hell?!

“Alright, I’ve seen enough sci-fi to assume some sort of cloaked teleporter or some junk like that.” I pull out some coal and toss a lump up where Rainbow and Anne disappeared to. The lump goes higher, higher... and vanishes. I can’t even feel where it is, anymore, either. A ‘general recall’ doesn’t work either so it’s either stuck or out of range. “And it’s a one-way deal to boot. What do you think Myrna?”

“Uh, that we need to find a way to get them back?”

“I meant after that. We can’t just tie ourselves to a post and follow the rope back through, so if we follow them, we’re stuck wherever they are too, and I think it’s safe to say that we’ll be even more lost. Ah well, ladder, please?”

“We don’t really have one. They’re bulky. Unless you need a rope ladder. And besides, they must’ve been a hundred feet up.”

“Well then what’s your plan? Throw me?”

“No. Make a ladder. Or, in this case, a staircase.” She dives underground for a moment, then comes up, looking like she’s dragging a column of rock behind her. She seems to waver for a moment, then slides back down the pillar, solid handholds forming along the way.

“Alright, not much of a staircase, but it’ll do.” I grab the first handhold and make my way up. “Hey, a bit higher on this thing, it just kinda stops up here.”

“Yeah, I felt a little dizzy for a moment, so I stopped. I figured that was the edge of whatever’s making them vanish.” She reaches down, and grabs me by the backpack, and simply hauls me straight up the cliff face. She sets me down on a convenient ledge with my head just a few inches below the ‘cutoff’ point.

I take the dagger out of my pocket and, leaning back, jab it at the ‘invisible hole’. The blade sinks into the ‘air’ and seems to waver, like it’s splitting in two directions at once, each image partially see-through. Each image is also slightly different in color.

“What do you think would happen if we jumped in but still had some of us ‘not in’?” I ask Myrna. “I mean, Rainbow and Anne just kinda ‘fell’ in, but we’ve got gravity pulling us down from this angle.”

“I don’t even know what it is, let alone how it works, Anthony.”

“That’s why it’s called a ‘theory’ as opposed to a ‘fact’.”

“Actually, that’s a hypothesis, science-boy.” Myrna quips. “A theory is what you get after you’ve tested your hypothesis. As for my best guess? It’s magic, and follows whatever rules it feels like.”

I sigh. “Good enough for me. Give me a boost through?”

“Alright, here ya go.” She grabs me by my hips as if I was a child, and hoists me bodily into the effect zone.

Oogh... I feel really nauseous, and the room is spinning. Turn off the lights, please.

Room? Lights? Where am I?

Blinking rapidly, the ‘room’ dissolves into the savannah, with Myrna holding onto me. “Anthony, are you alright? You stopped responding, and then you went limp!”

“Yeah... I don’t think it works unless I’m all the way through. I have no idea what happened while I was ‘under’.”

“Well... I can put you on top of the rock, and boost you through that way. I’ll bring you back down in fifteen seconds, okay?”

“Works for me. Let’s just get this over with.”

She lays me down, then I feel a surge as the rock jumps upwa-

Okay, earlier nausea was a one, this is an infinity... and there goes breakfast.

Ugh, now where am I? My whole body feels flipped around so I can’t even tell which direction ‘up’ is... I feel around myself to see if I’m on a solid surface or something, my eyes not feeling like opening.

It... feels solid. I think. It also feels like it’s rocking in a storm. That might just be the nausea, though.

Bleh, I think I can get my tongue working again... “Where ‘m I?”

Looking around makes me feel like I’m spinning rapidly, and makes the world feels like it’s doing backflips for no reason.

“Okay, ride was fun... wanna getoff now...”

Working hard, I manage to sit up, and the dizziness and nausea recede a little. With a  spark of intuition, and the hope I’m not making a mistake, I stand up, and the waves of discomfort largely subside. And... I’m on a cliff. Looking down, I can see a slender pillar of rock, Myrna looking around frantically, though if she’s speaking, I can’t hear it.

I figure trying to speak to her wouldn’t help, but... I gotta communicate somehow. Hmm... I take something from my backpack, another small dagger, and drop it down over the ledge near where I can see her.

The weapon glances of the rock and spins past her face. It doesn’t look like it cut her, but it has her looking up again.

I try waving at her, but I figure she can’t see me. Need to send her a message somehow...

Rummaging through my stuff, I find some scrap parchment. Good enough. I write my message of ‘I’m okay, come through.’ and fold the paper into a crude airplane and toss it at her.

It bounces off her face, and for a second I’m afraid I’ll have to find another piece of parchment. Then, one of her snakes grabs it in its mouth, and hands it to her. I move away from the ledge and wait for Myrna to come through.

She starts her way up, but stops, going cross eyed as she falls away from the barrier, barely catching herself before she falls off the tall stone spire.

I sigh and wait for her to realize that she has to be ‘launched’ through. Oh well, she’ll think of something, I should probably look around for Anne and Rainbow.

Looking around, I can see what looks like the entrance to a cave about a dozen feet away along a thin path on the stone wall of the cliff. Oh, joy... I’m a hundred feet up, and the only place to go is across a razor-thin ledge over a sheer drop that may or may not have more magic covering other hazards. Whee.

That said... perhaps I can get propulsion on my side. If I used my Dynamo form to speed up and take a flying leap... would it carry me far enough to reach the other side... I look at what I have for a ‘runway’ and at the distance I’d have to jump... yeah, no chance of me sticking that even if I made it. Mario Jumpman Video I ain’t. Oh well, new plan. Hmmm... I could grow and try to step over it, but at that size I’d have zero footing anyway.

I sit down and think this over. I gotta have some kind of trick I can pull here. But what? Step one, review inventory. I double-check my backpack and see what I brought with that might help. Unfortunately I have no rope, no grappling hooks and no Quantum Tunneling Device. Guess I gotta do this the slow way. I look at the teeny tiny path I have to move along and figure which way to go about this. I could go on my stomach, but it would be truly impossible to grab the ledge if I fell, I’m not that dextrous... But using my two feet and sidling along would be a bad distribution of my weight on this sliver of land, and there’s no chance of enough room to crawl.

Okay... How do I do this? I continue to sit and stare at the ‘path’ hoping for some sort of epiphany. I’ll think of something...

Come on, man... think!

Sighing, I decide the stomach-crawl is my best bet and lay down, slowly pulling myself up to the path. Okay... no exceptionally strong wind blowing, no loud distracting noises... let’s do this. Shutting my eyes tight I wriggle onto the path, going very slowly to make sure I can stay still enough to rest like this if need be.

I think I’m good... Taking a deep breath and letting it out I continue my slow wiggle as I heave myself forward centimeter by centimeter until I can’t feel my feet touch the ledge behind me anymore.

After what feels like an eternity of slow-motion shimmying, I feel the other side’s ledge. Calming down, I make my way further up onto the ledge and eventually I’m able to sit upright and look back at the other side where I came from.

I blink. The path behind me is at least four feet wide, and has a small guard-rail to boot. I can see my footprints on the side of the path opposite the guard-rail from the actual cliff.

That was not there a bit ago, I swear! I quadruple-checked the area! Now the universe is just trolling me... Sighing, I head for the cave. It’s a teensy bit dark, so I light myself up, the usual steel-gray glow bathing the area around me in my aura.

The cave itself is large, the tunnel leading in big enough for me to walk with my arms up and still not touch the roof if I wanted to, and there’s bones, big and small, lining the walls. A few skulls look up from piles of femurs and ribs, but on the whole, it doesn’t smell bad. I shudder a little as I notice deep tooth marks, as if from a shark or something, in the bones.

Well, the others must have come this way, so I decide to call out for them, hoping the cavernous area would help carry my voice. I wait a bit, then shout a bit louder.

After a bit with no response, I steel myself to go in. Hopefully, nothing grabbed the others while they were stunned and dragged them in to add to the bonepiles... though, I kinda have a morbid curiosity about whether Anne has bronze bones, too.

Speaking of... I take another look at the bones, specifically the skulls, and see if I can find any evidence of a non-humanoid’s remains. About a dozen rat skulls, something that looks canid, and several that are distinctly human, and one that looks mostly human, but rotted and huge, with black teeth. The shape is subtly wrong, though. No pony skulls, though, so that’s encouraging.

Well, might as well go a bit further then. Stepping deeper into the cave, I look for any indication of Rainbow or Anne being here. They must have gone in here, there’s no other way to go, but a bit of evidence would be nice.

A few more feet into the tunnel and I find myself near a side-passage, this one a little shorter than the mainline.

Well, I should probably stick to the mainline, but I also want to be able to come back here in case... Entering my heat form, I trace a scorched line in the ground along behind me, deciding to switch to the wall once I can, as walking like this is rather uncomfortable, but I really don’t want to get turned around in here.

Further down the tunnel, I come to a truly cavernous room, the walls, floor, and ceiling rough-hewn stone, with small piles of sand and bones all about.

Well, I’ve seen less inviting-looking places. Keeping my Heat Form up but dropping my temperature, I continue on figuring it should be easy enough to find my way back. Just to be careful though, I look back to make sure there aren’t, like, twenty tunnels that split off into here.

Thankfully there aren’t, and the sunlight is just barely visible at the entrance. I turn back towards the large room, and continue deeper, trying to call for the girls again, not having any luck this time either. Oh well, they’re here somewhere, just gotta keep moving. I Wonder if Myrna managed to get through?

A snap-hiss like a lightsaber being ignited makes me freeze in place, and a ring of light in my peripheral vision brings my gaze down. I’m standing in some kind of circle made of runes, and suddenly, the room is spinning. Literally. The walls are whirling around like a reverse blender, and the floor outside of the circle is going in the opposite direction.

The question is: Is this a secret passage, or a trap?

With a  minor jolt, the spinning stops, and I’m in a different room. There aren’t any ways out that I can see, and the rune circle goes dark.

Trap it is, then.

Okay, I’ve gotten out of worse. I decide to reignite my hand, summoning a fireball to give a bit more light than my aura does. Looking around the new room, I see it, like the rest of the cave, is made of stone, so I’m still somewhere in the caves... but no idea where exactly.

Just to test, I step off the runic circle and back onto it, but it doesn’t activate again. Okay, I’ve messed with ‘shifting room’ puzzles before, I can figure this out... One style that comes to mind is where the room just had the walls shift to cover up the doorways so the doors are still there just behind the wall...

I try to phase my arm through the wall next to me. If I can find a doorway, I’m out of here, simple as that. However... it feels like solid rock to me. I can’t phase through it, though my hand is doing the weird half-invisible thing like normal.

Okay, that’s weird. This is a totally normal stone wall, I should be able to walk right through it... unless it’s got some sort of barrier around it... but that can’t be right unless it’s just this room. I could easily see the scorch-lines I made when I looked back, so this room has been ‘fixed’ somehow. Alright, now I just have to figure out how it’s ‘protected’ and how I can get through.

Hmmm... I try to leave a scorch mark on the stone wall where I failed to phase through and I leave the mark like normal. So it’s not heat resistant. Maybe I could melt through the rock? Nah, that’d take too much power, I’d be out cold for a couple of hours. Gotta think of something... if I was making a trap with no exit or back-door option... wait, that’s stupid! I mean, a trap that can’t be reused? And as big as this? That’s a horrible idea! Granted the maker of this could just be a moron, but they can’t be too stupid if they managed to make this place resistant to intangibility, the ultimate ‘get out of trap free’ card.

I sit down and stare at the wall, thinking hard on how this trap could work. I try channeling some energy into where the runic circle was, but get no response. Okay, gotta think of this in different terms, take a new perspective. I look around the room and make a mental map and draw a sort of ‘top-down’ perspective of the area into the floor. Shifting to the side I redraw it with a ‘third person’ perspective but still can’t make heads or tails of this. I move my hand to the bridge of my nose and ponder what possibility I hadn’t thought of.

Just to test, I heat up again and melt a handprint into the stone, but it’s very thick and I can’t push much further into it no matter how much I heat it up, probably hitting that barrier I can’t phase through.

I stare at my handprint on the wall. Is this a clue to the answer or just a distraction? For the sake of having them match, I change the images I’ve drawn on the floor, including the little indent my palm made. I sit down, gaze shifting from the drawings to the handprint and back. There’s a piece I’m missing here, but what? A hollow spot?

I knock against each wall, listening for a hint but I’m assured that the entire area is completely solid all the way through. I take a deep breath and try to think of other possibilities. I’m not going to be stopped by this.

Chapter 206

Come on, think! What can be melted but not phased through? What’s completely solid but also immune to intangibility? Heck, what’s resistant to my star powers? This can’t be normal stone, that much is certain as I haven’t experienced anything that has negated my powers but not turned them off.

Taking a few deep breaths I look around the room for any indication of abnormalcy I might have missed, but whatever this blockade is, it’s been completely covered in the stone. Wait a sec... covered? I look back at the melted handprint. I put my hand back in the indent and try to melt my way further, but it doesn’t work, it just stops... but the ‘back’ of it is still stone. Marked in black but definitely still stone. If the stone is just a covering, that wouldn’t make sense as I’d have melted through the covering and hit the barrier, but it’s still ‘stone’ behind the layers I can burn through. In fact, there’s no indent at all. It’s still flat!

Like a wall in a videogame that can be shot full of bulletholes but won’t ever weaken or break. I look through my backpack again and pull out some of the Dark Continent books and look around for anything that could give insight... But there’s nothing in here about ‘impervious stone walls’. Then again, I might be looking through the wrong book, this is on natural occurrences, and since I stepped on a rune circle to trigger this, it’s been manufactured. I pull out a book on sentient creatures and look for anything that could match my situation.

Nothing is mentioned about this specifically, but I do see again and again that there are various types of hags and they have high-level magical power. So that means it stands to reason that this place only looks made of stone but possibly modified with magic. But still looks exactly like stone. Every time I’ve seen an ‘enchanted’ object it’s had a sort of glow around it like the boxes back at the Ponyville bank, and I’ve already sort of discovered that I can ‘see’ magic in ways others, or at least ponies, can’t. So if I can’t see an enchantment, then that means there might not be one.

So if it’s not rock and not enchanted, what looks and feels exactly like stone, but is totally invulnerable but can still be marked? I check back through the books I have but still find nothing that matches.

Alright, back to the drawing board. It’s got some sort of magical influence, but not typical magic, something special. Something that shows one thing but is actually another, picturing cracks and damage but still being perfectly solid and unmarred. Like I thought before, it sounds like a wall in a video game... A simulation... video games are fake. Their walls aren’t metal or rock or anything, it’s just an impassable barrier with a skin over it to hide the invisible wall. If you don’t reskin the wall, it breaks immersion, it breaks... the... illusion...

The ‘walls’ aren’t actually there, but placeholders to make you think there’s something there as opposed to solid nothingness. Wait a sec... the Lens of Truth from Majora lets you see through walls that aren’t there, see a skin on invisible barriers, but you don’t need the Lens if you know something is fake. If you already know it’s fake, you can just jump onto the platform of ‘air’. Open an invisible chest. Run right through the wall because there is no wall!

Is that the trick? Illusion magic? Only one way to find out. I put my hand up against the sto- no, the nothing. Clear your mind... nothing there. Touching nothing. Feel no texture because there is nothing to feel. It’s impossible to pass because it doesn’t exist.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, imagining the stone room around me, the walls fading to black as I keep walking forward. Imagine walking straight forward into the void, nothing around me nothing stopping me. I open my eyes and see... the room, with a single tunnel leading out, and a burnt-out circle of runes in the middle. There’s small piles of sand and bones, but it’s completely back to normal.

Awww yeah, who’s the man? Alright, enough funny business, I might as well try calling for the girls again. I figure we’ll have to back for Myrna, because if she could get through she would have by now... No response though so Rainbow and Anne are still MIA. That leaves the side passage, which probably looked smaller to draw me off.

Yeah, if I was trying to fuck with someone’s head, I’d make the way to my lair or whatever the ‘path less travelled’ and all. Turning back I see the trail I scorched into the wall. Just to be sure though, I fashion some coal into a drill and bore about three inches into the wall. Yep, there’s an actual hole there, real stone. Following my burn-mark trail, I get back and take the smaller trail.

Walking down the tunnel, I get an itchy feeling at the back of my neck. Checking behind me doesn’t reveal anyone, nor any evidence of there being anyone invisible, like footprints in the dust other than my own. Maybe it’s all the skulls; they’re all arranged to face towards whoever’s looking at them. It even looks like they’ve turned to face me. Creepy.

But that also implies magical meddling. Walls that aren’t really there, imagining things that aren’t there... sounds like illusion magic for sure. “Alright, I don’t know who you are, but drop the ‘you see what I want you to see’ crap.”

I hear something like a snicker, until one of the skulls ahead of me visibly turns towards me, little red lights forming in the sockets. Nearby it, more than a dozen other pairs of lights do the same, each one resting on a pile of bones.

“Ooooooh skeletons, so scary!” I mock. “Even if they were real they have no muscles or tissue. I could just punch one to pieces without powers.” One of the skulls begins to rise, bones trailing after it like paperclips stuck to a strong fridge magnet. The body forms, made of hundreds of overlapping bones, criss-crossed and woven like straw into a basket. “Okay, I guess that works. I take it you might also be behind the zombies in the swamp. The creepy laugh sounds vaguely the same. You think I can’t handle a few bonemen?” I draw my sword.

One of the skeletons moves into better light, revealing it’s made of hundreds upon hundreds of bones, and its fingers are tipped with rat skulls, making it look like it’s basically got a series of serrated spoons on its fingertips. However, it doesn’t come any closer.

“If this is legitimate necromancy crap, you better hope you can make minions out of ash, because I’m not gonna hold back. One more chance before I start melting your bodyguards: Wanna talk this out?”

The large skeleton in front of me slowly opens its mouth, far wider than anything with real muscles could, revealing a darkness crawling inside. A voice echoes from within it. “Be ye here in peace?”

“That depends. Be you here in peace?”

“This be my home. Thou come without invitation.”

“I’m just looking for my friends. One’s a harpy, the other’s a pegasus, can’t miss them. Where are they?”

“... How wouldst I determine if ye speak truth?”

“Because if I came here just to fuck with you, I wouldn’t be talking this out with you. Show yourself, hag.”

“Ye may yet be enemy of those I collected. How wouldst I know? They have yet to awaken of their slumbers.”

I sigh. “Look, how’s this. I sheathe my weapons and you unsummon your lackeys. If you don’t fight, I won’t. Fair?”

“Who sends ye, Warlock? What be the name of thy mistress?”

“I am not a Warlock, I am starborn. I have no mistress... or I have two, we’re still trying to figure that out. Though the harpy friend of mine is one of said potential mistresses.”

“Thou art seeking her as mistress? But... she be hideous!”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I say, sheathing my sword. “I admit her tits are way too huge for my liking, but I’m not gonna ditch her just because her mountain range is literally bigger than her own head.”

“Urgh... I shall not berate ye for thy perversions, warlock, but I wouldst suggest ye find a more fitting mistress in time.” the voice from the skeleton stops, and its mouth closes. The bone bodyguards move back to the sides of the tunnel, then collapse into their piles once more. The tunnel is suddenly well-lit, lamps with pale red lights moving within fading into view. “Thy mistress be further down the hall. Bear no ill intents, and you may stay until thy mistress and familiar are well.”

“Sounds good to me.” I walk along, using the torches as guides. I figure that the hags have some sort of backwards deal with appearances. Seeing Anne as hideous? I mean, she’s not the Avon lady or anything but she’s still pretty. Guess with a race called ‘hags’ and some of the pictures I’ve seen, they have it the other way around where ‘pretty’ and ‘ugly’ swap places. But they still have the ‘dominant female’ shtick going that ponies have. I wonder if the whole planet is like that?

Eventually, I find a series of doors on the side of the tunnel, each made of decent wood and decorated with several pictures of various plants and the like. I think it’s to distinguish which door is which. The first one glows a little when I approach it, but the next one doesn’t. I guess that’s the door in question?

Oh well, better try the glowy stuff first. Opening the door I saw first, I walk in. On a bed made of large, bent bones and a mess of animal skins, lays Anne, looking very much like she had simply been dumped there while unconscious. On a pile of animal skins on the floor, Dash is similarly out cold, butt in the air, face on the floor.

I’ll never understand how anyone can sleep like that. Either way, I head over to Anne and shake her shoulder a bit. Her eyes flutter open. “‘Morning, ‘mistress’.”

“Morning. Wait- wha?”

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.” She looks around her and realizes what she’s laying on and squeaks in surprise. “Yeah, this isn’t the best place to be napping.”

I grab Rainbow and toss her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, which wakes her up rather quick. “What the hay? Where- Oh geez... Is that real fur?”

“Most likely.” I shrug, which pushes my shoulder into her side. “Let’s get outta here already, just getting to you two was a pain in the ass.”

I turn around to leave, but there’s someone in the door. A hunched figure, barely classifiable as feminine, is standing there. Gaunt, gnarled hands and a plethora of wrinkles and scars cover the few pieces of skin visible, while the rest of the figure is shrouded in dark scraps of cloth. A grin full of yellow-and-black teeth is grinning at the three of us from under the turban-esque headpiece.

“Hi. You the one who lives here?”

“I be she, aye.” the way her mouth moves reminds me of the Joker; her lips don’t close over her jagged teeth, making it look like a grin, regardless of her expression. “Under the rules of hospitality, I welcome ye, and offer beautifying supplies, should ye need it, sister.” the hag holds out a wicker basket towards Anne

I turn to Anne. “Yeah, think like the pony-deal of ‘female-dominant culture’ taken up to eleven. Basically you and Myrna are the ones in charge of me or something.”

The hag looks at me, eyes narrowing slightly. However, she doesn’t comment. Anne gently flexes her wings, and takes the basket. From here, I can tell it’s pretty bad, as the smell is atrocious.

“We actually left my, er, other mistress behind. I came looking for Anne. Myrna is probably worried about us missing.”

“Hmmm... I shall grant ye passage from my domain. I wish ye not to return; I chose this place for isolation.”

“Yeah, us finding this place was kind of an accident. We’ll be going now. Sorry to bother you.” The hag ignores me, continuing to stare at Anne.

Anne, quailing under the stare, squeaks out a ‘sorry!’ and ducks her head a little. The hag huffs derisively, then moves out of the way for us to leave, RD wiggling out of my hold and onto the floor.

We make our way back through the cave and come to the gap, with the wide ledge and guardrail still clearly visible. I know it wasn’t there the first time! Possibly more of that illusion magic. Either way, the three of us make it across with no issues. I take another scrap of parchment and, looking down, see a rather stressed out looking Myrna.

I write down another message and chuck it at her. She sees this one and catches it. “Jumping down, catch us.”

Myrna looks even more confused but spreads the top of the spire wider to make a large platform. I position myself and leap for it, this time not getting any dizzy feeling. I look up and see Myrna. “Awesome, we’re back.” I look up further into the empty sky where I jumped from and gesture for Anne and Rainbow to follow. After a few moments I see them hovering down onto the platform, also not dizzy. “Alright Myrna, take us down. I’ll explain once we’re back on the ground.”

Youtube Video

“So yeah, we may end up dealing with these not-really-human things called Hags and they come in different ‘varieties’ according to this book. They don’t seem malicious outright, but a bit touchy. And they keep calling me ‘Warlock’ which I assume is supposed to denote the fact that I’m male, them seeing me as humanoid and therefore ‘one of them’.”

“What about ponies though? What d’they think of me?” Dash asks.

I shrug. “No idea, but this book seems to be written by ponies so I guess there’s a bit of a hint there. The hag we ran into called you my ‘familiar’ though. Which is, roughly translated from wizard-speak, my spirit animal or a special pet assuming they are using the same definition I am.”

“Pet? I am nopony’s pet!”

“Yeah, and definitely not my pet. I prefer small cute things as pets and you don’t even come close to either of those.”

“Hey, I’m plenty cu- er, I mean, uh... I’m good enough to be anypony’s familiar, no matter what!”

“Whatever you say, Dashie. Anyway, that’s all I know on the hags really. If we want more info, it has to be learned from personal experience.” I pull out the relatively useless map once more. “Okay, the continental map in the planning room was more zoomed out than this, but if I recall, the Class-Four was last seen in this general area... but I don’t know where we are in relation to it.”

“Well, you see that mountain symbol there?” Dash asks, covering half the map with her hoof trying to point. “It’s got its top broken off and all, right?”

“I don’t have x-ray vision for hooves, but yes I think I recall that.”

“Well, when you go high enough, the ground sorta shimmers a lot, but there’s a mountain like that about twenty miles thataway.” She points off in the distance. “East from here. I think it’s a mirrorage or whatever it’s called.”

“Well the closest I can figure, we’d be heading in that direction if we wanted to get closer to the Landing Zone. We must have gotten turned around because if this over here is the beach and we’re roughly in this area, we overshot our destination laterally.” I pass the map to the others with markings of where we might be and our destination for them to look over.

“Well,” Dash says, looking at the map, “if we go to the mountain, I can point us where we need to go. A pegasus always knows north.”

“Yeah, and so does this.” I say, holding up the compass. “Except this is less talkative.”

“Uh... Anthony?” She points down at the compass. It’s spinning gently clockwise.

“Okay fine, still, if we get to the top of the mountain we should be able to see the Landing Zone from there if I’m right, so we head for the mountaintop regardless.”

“Alright, then it’s settled.” Myrna says. “And we can set up sighting stones along the way.”

I roll my eyes. “I dub thee Myrna, snake queen of breadcrumb-leaving.”

“Hey, these’re way less susceptible to crows than mere breadcrumbs. And it was cake crumbs in the original story.”

“Whatever, let’s get moving. The mountain itself is a ways away still, we won’t get there in the next hour, that’s for sure.”

“Well, the only thing we can do is get moving. The sun’s only going to get hotter.”

“Heat doesn’t bother me. Go temperature resistance.”

“But it does bother me!” Dash says. “Pegasi don’t do so well in the heat, actually.”

I summon another lump of coal. “The ‘full-body shaving’ offer is still on the table...”

“Hay no!”

“Then don’t complain if you aren’t going to take the offer of help.”

“Thats not help, that’s... that’s...”

“A one-way trip to a cool breeze any time of day?”

“Just shut up... and keep that away from me! If I wake up bald tomorrow, you’re gonna need a new nose!”

“Alright you two, cut it out.” Myrna interjects. “Now, let’s get moving sooner, not later. With this sun out, I’m going to need to eat soon, and I have no idea how strong the craving can get... and no offense, Rainbow Dash, you’re almost exactly the same size as a turkey.”

I put my hand over the pony’s head, palm up and fingers splayed to imitate a comb. “Gobble gobble go-oof!” Rainbow punches me in the gut with her hoof.

Okay, I kinda deserved that... “Fine, let’s just keep going then. And no more complaining, okay? It’s gonna slow us down.”

“Yeah, you’re just lucky cuz you’re all ‘Oh, I’m on fire and it doesn’t burn my eyebrows off!’ and stuff.” Dash retorts, taking off. We just keep walking along, Rainbow having stopped responding to my incredibly witty retorts. That’s fine, I don’t need her reactions to tell me I’m a funny person.

Hours of walking and the burning hot sun is wearing even on me. At the very least because it’s bright. Some of the patches of grass, which Anne called ‘razorgrass’ and the name stuck, are metallic and sharp. I’m already sporting several bandaged cuts from being the first to walk into a patch. A few sparse trees and some decidedly painful cactus-like plants also impede our progress, so it’s absolutely blissful when we come across a wide stream, with a section that has looped enough to form a miniature lake.

Around the lake are hundreds of footprints from various animals, and across the stream from us, a long-legged bird is happily strutting along the muddy banks.

I turn to Myrna and gesture at the bird. “Well, you’re the hungry one. Wanna go after it?”

“Idunno... that’s real far away and it still looks big. I don’t wanna find out it eats snakes.”

“Except for the fact that you could, I dunno, bean it with a rock from over here. Heck, I could throw some coal-saws over there and chop it’s head off Metal Man style.”

“No, I’m fine right now.”

“Suit yourself.” I take a drink from the water. I’m not dehydrated, but the cool water feels pretty good, though it does taste vaguely of ‘nature’. “Everyone get a drink, go for a swim to cool off, whatever. We should keep-”

I feel myself being choked and yanked back, claws with an iron grip around my throat and chest. I barely have time to register a set of teeth in a mouth bigger than me before I’m flat on my back, gasping for air. A set of scaley jaws, turning rapidly to green stone go still where I was a moment ago. Myrna, curled in a half-circle around me, is breathing hard as she looks at the titanic reptile that just lunged at me.

I take a look at the general shape of the thing that had grabbed me. “Alligator...” I Take a second look and notice the nose is wrong. “Crocodile...” I correct myself as I resume catching my breath. “Nice moves there Myrna. What’s your encore?”

She heaves a breath. “Uh, how about a break? A little further away the water?”

“Sure.” I’m still a bit dazed from the surprise attack but a thought enters my mind. “I know we made a deal, but howsabout I skin and cook the next croc you catch, huh?”

“Not so sure there’s much to skin of this one.” She replies, reaching out tentatively. She gingerly touches the petrified, brown-green stone of the once-living creature.

“That would be the joke here, miss humor. C’mon, I need a rest.” I lean on her as she sort of drags me away using her lower torso/tail as a sort of stretcher. “Yer comfy...”

“And you’re delirious from the adrenaline.”

“So what?” I bury my face in the top of her, the warm smooth scales feeling pretty nice. They’re just a little cooler than the surrounding air, and that makes them the best thing ever.

I feel myself be set down, and sit up a little. “Alright, so if we want more water, we’re going to want to have either myself or you get it, Anne.” Myrna says.

“And boil it.” I add. “The stuff tastes like animal crap.”

“That’s probably for a reason, Anthony. Don’t eat yellow snow, and don’t drink brown water. The middle has clear water.” Anne says.

“Yeah well, the ones who die from stupid stuff are idiots. The ones that survive are called ‘discoverers’.”

“Adventurers, more often, Anthony.” Dash says.

“Shut up.” I lean over and lay on her. “You are not even close to as soft as you look.”

“Yeah, yeah, can it, bub. Just because I’m all skinny doesn’t mean ya gotta rub it in.”

“I’m not saying fat girls don’t deserve love, but to humans, skinny is sexy. If you weren’t such a pony, you’d probably have human guys all over you.”

“Uh... I, uh...” Rainbow gulps, and I can hear her muscles churn from where I lie. “You, uh, mean that?”

“Literally? Depends on the guy. Some of ‘em would probably just follow you around everywhere. Others would try to hug you or something. Some guys are kinda grabby. But yeah, athletes are kind of a big deal. Being successful for your physical attributes is pretty much the human equivalent to the fast lane to being desirable for any gender... But you could stand to be a bit fuzzier.”

“Uh...” She shifts a little. “Anthony, why are you petting my wings?”

“They’re the softest part of you, and I’m too lazy to move and find something else to lay on.” I recall the princesses’ appreciation for my massaging their wings. “I thought you ponies like it.”

“That’s, um... putting it mildly... Can you, uh, please stop?”

“Fine.” I readjust her so she’s more of a pillow than a head rest. “Say, what do pegasi like in guys?”

“Er... why do you ask?”

“Scootaloo’s kinda messed up from me shooting her down, I had a chat with her and figured if she could find a boyfriend she might not end up doing something stupid like aging herself up somehow so she can be with me.”

“Oh! Oh... right... yeah.” Dash lets out a breath she was holding in for some reason. “Uh... hmmm. Honestly I have no idea who Scoots would go for. Before you showed up I figured she wasn’t even, y’know, interested in colts...”

“The way you act, Dash, I could say the same for you.”

“Hey, just ‘cause I’m a tomcolt doesn’t mean anything. Besides, I’m dating Big Macintosh, so there’s proof right there!”

“Get a pic of you in bed with him and I’ll believe you.”

“Ew, no! I’m not gonna just use him like that! Besides, if we did I wouldn’t be throwing around pictures!”

“I’m just messing with you. Seriously, I can respect someone wanting to take a relationship slow. You’re just fun to rile up.” I turn over and poke her nose. “Boop! Anyway, back to Scoots. I really messed her up. I was a total moron, didn’t know what pegasus courtship even looked like. I want her to be happy, you know?”

“Yeah, she’s got some issues but I don’t really know where to start. Most pegasi girls want a colt- or mare- who is tough, strong, brave... you know, the kind who can take care of themselves and their mare.”

“Oh... don’t know anyone like that. Well, there’s you but uh... taken.”

“Yeah...”

“So I told her that she should be looking for a guy who likes her back rather than going after me, who she can’t have.”

“That might be hard, man. Pegasi, even since before the unification of the tribes, we’re more of the ‘chase down and conquer’ type than the ‘find my soul mate’ that Earth ponies go for.”

“Well that won’t help us here... unless... what if we found an Earth pony colt who likes her?”

“Sorry, I don’t know many of the kids ‘round town very well.”

“I just don’t want her to be chasing after someone she can’t have.” I roll over and let out a sigh, getting a small giggle from Rainbow Dash. “Uh, what was that?”

“Nothing... get your face out of my stomach.”

I give her an evil grin. “Hey Dash, you know what a raspberry is?”

“Uh... it’s a berry, ri-” She interrupts herself with a torrent on laughter. “G- get off! Ah! Hahahahastop! Hahahahapl- please!” Grinning, I let up and pull my face away, Rainbow heaving as she tries catching her breath. “You... jerk...”

“That’s revenge for when you tickled me last March.”

“Uh... What exactly are we, ah, interrupting here?” Myrna asks, an odd look on her face.

I look at Dash’s face next to mine then back at Myrna. “What do you think it is?”

“You trying to seduce a taken mare.” Myrna replies bluntly.

I scoff. “Please, if I was trying to seduce her I’d do this.” I run my finger along her wings, massaging the downey area underneath her main feathers.

“H- hey don- ooohhhh” Dash’s eyes roll back a bit and she sighs, sounding very relaxed though the rest of her body tenses up. I’m met with a hoof to my face, knocking me clear off of her and rolling a bit. “Don’t do that!”

I grin. “Your mouth may say ‘no’ but your body says ‘yes’...”  Rainbow goes totally red in the face like someone covered her in paint and raises a hoof. Her hoof looks like it’s getting bigger and I can’t figure out why. Then it hits m-

Chapter 207

I sit up, my forehead really sore. I hear Rainbow Dash behind me. “Ugh, the perv is awake...”

“Worth it. You make cute noises.”

“S- shut up, do I need to knock you into next week?”

“You’re just jealous that I’m not even into ponies and I still know how to touch a mare.”

“I am not! Just keep your hands to yourself for the rest of this, okay?”

“What’s your damage? I’m just fooling around.” I say, rolling my eyes

“Ugh, hey Myrna, how can we get serious Anthony back? He’s an ass, but better than this.”

Myrna shrugs. “How would I know? Besides, he’s an ass no matter what his mood is.”

I lean back and look up at the sky. “My mind is an enigma wrapped in mystery, hiding in a flowerpot on the roof of a pizzeria in Western Volgograd.”

Rainbow facehoofs. “Why don’t you just marry Discord already?”

“Because weddings are expensive, boring, and a waste of time.”

Myrna scoffs, “I didn’t think he was your type.”

“Well, he’s certainly good for a laugh now and then. Besides, at least I’m one of the few openly saying he wouldn’t actually be that bad. You just don’t like him because you don’t appreciate his sense of humor.”

“That, and he tends to not think about the consequences of what he does. He turned a house into gingerbread while you were up in space.”

“See? He’s an immediate answer to world hunger, and you want to suppress that. Shameful...” I shake my head condescendingly. “Well we can have this conversation later. It’s fully possible that there is a scared and lost human refugee out there, and if they are anything like you two were when I found you, we should find them ASAP.”

“Alright, alright.” Myrna looks up at the sun, still high in the sky. “We should keep moving. I can ferry you across the river if we find a smaller part to cross, further from the big pond. I don’t like the thought of losing you to some prehistoric throwback.”

“I was caught unaware. I can handle a croc. Just got to stay around it’s tail end. They’re like Dodongo’s, keep away from the mouth and they go down easy.”

“Yeah, but you can’t always see an alligator before it attacks.” Myrna says, picking me up and setting me on her coils.

“Fine, fine. Could still take a croc in a fight though... keep their mouth closed and they can’t do jack.”

Myrna begins slithering to the water, Anne and Rainbow Dash taking to the sky to cross more easily. The trek across the water is uneventful, the crocodile that grabbed me seems to either be the only one here, or the others are staying away from Myrna.

Either way, there’s no further problems, and Myrna simply keeps going, keeping me on her back as she slides across the grass and dirt.

“So how far to the mountain, miss Expert Navigator?” I say, laying down a bit more on Myrna to distribute my weight better.

“Maybe another half a day? We should get there early tomorrow morning.” Dash calls back down. “But only because you’re all so slow.”

“Says the third fastest in Ponyville...”

“What?! I am not the third fastest in Ponyville! You’re only faster ‘cuz you don’t have to deal with drag!”

“And you don’t have to deal with things like trees, rocks, slopes and other obstacles. The planet isn’t totally flat. Also, we’ve already raced with Clark, with me having calculated my time subtracting my head start and Clark also beat you. You are third fastest until proven otherwise.”

“Again, cheating. You’ve got the unfair adva- hey, what’s that?”

“Oh, the ‘hey look a distraction’ rebuttal. Why are you such a sore loser?”

“No, really, look over there!” She points off to one side.

“That’s a cloud. They are little white puffs of water vapor that fly.”

“No, on the ground, stupid!”

“Those are animals. They’re the things we live with that don’t speak but will still eat our food. This is a very educational day for you, isn’t it?” I take another look. “And it looks like they’re stampeding... or running away from something en masse. That’s trouble either way.”

“Yeah, I was meaning the big yellow-and black thing behind them. I think they’re running from that.” Dash calls back down, and the herd of animals gets closer still. Now that I can sorta see them better, I can tell they’re some kind of kangaroo.

“As long as the big yellow-black thing isn’t a ridiculously-oversized yellowjacket, I’m saying we’re fine.”

“Looks kinda like a cat.”

Before I can answer, the kangaroo lookalikes are stampeding past and over Myrna, and by extension me. The thundering of their movements is accompanied by a faint tingling that doesn’t leave when they’ve passed us.

“So... I’m guessing they’re running from a Bigger Fish and that means it’s probably gonna try and eat anything smaller than it.” I look to Anne “Feeling like adding a new link to the local food chain?”

“Uh, Anthony... I think this one might be pretty solely in your court.” Anne says, before winging it up higher. The tingling sensation is now significantly stronger, and something primitive inside me begins chanting ‘run-run-run-run-away-now’ as something like a hole into the night sky pours over the horizon, loping with a fluid feline grace. Two others show up, a great deal of distance between their golden-yellow star-filled forms, as they are evidently herding the kangaroo-things ahead of them, like lions on the hunt.

I recall Twilight’s brief ‘lesson’ on constellation creatures, and that Leo and Taurus are among them. Well if these aren’t Leos... I have no clue what else they could be. I hop off Myrna and ready my sword. I have a feeling they aren’t going to let us go peacefully if my stellar Spider-Sense thing is any indication. Concentrating, I work on summoning my Plasma form, which doesn’t have to be forced this time thanks to the relative distance between me and the closest Leo. Once I have the nimbus circling around me, I grip my sword tightly and take a deep breath to calm myself. I can’t afford to get sloppy or distracted here.

The middle Leo stops when it sees me, at least long enough to roar.

The sound is primal and terrifying, and it feels for a moment like my heart stops in my chest, and I can feel Myrna, Anne and Rainbow Dash scattering blindly away from the stellar lions. The first of them resumes its charge, and all three begin converging towards me. At first, I figured they be big, but these are huge! They must be the size of small houses!

Well, guess that’s it then. Kill or be killed. Cats are fast though... I’m having trouble wondering if I should let them attack first and hopefully counter... or go for initiative? Hard to say, but a decision has to be made... they’ll be on me in a few moments at the rate of their advance.

Well, if I have to die, I’m gonna do it the same way my life started. Kicking and screaming and covered in bodily fluids of disturbing origin. Sword gripped, I move forward, less of a battle charge and more of a sprint.

The lead star-lion slams into the ground ahead of me, opening its jaws wide and letting loose a roar that literally shakes my bones. The ground seems to try coming out from under me from the shear amount of force the sound carried. Bracing as best I can, I hold my shaky ground and swing my sword to hurl a wave of plasma at the creature’s eyes as the big cat stares me down.

The cat jerks it head back a little, the plasma wave seeming to pour into the starry distance glimpsed through the creature’s body. The big cat leans forward, and I feel twin gusts of breath, scented like dust and the smell of a freezer with nothing in it as the animal sniffs me. It doesn’t seem like its planning to attack, just find out what I am... but I don’t know if I should let it have time to decide. It just absorbed my plasma wave like it literally wasn’t there, but I have no idea how that translates to actual durability.

Well, there is one option to try... <HELLO... WHO’S A GOOD KITTY?>

The lion tilts its head, getting one eye down closer to me, before simply reaching out a paw and smacking me off to one side. Tumbling head over heels through scrub brush and dense grass, I see a patch of razorgrass go by, barely missing me as I pass. I lay for a few minutes, just staring at the sky as it spins slightly, the thunderous sound of the Leos resuming their hunt fading slowly into the distance.

Well, it was worth a shot... Of course now that it’s clear they have no interest in eating me, I suppose I’m safe. Relatively speaking given the continent I’m on but hey, just bruises and minor cuts so far, that’s a good sign.

I power down and wait for the rest of my group to calm down and get back from... wherever they ran to.

The first one back is Anne, flapping down and shading me with her feathers. “Anthony, are you alright?”

I shrug. “I’m not cat food. At this exact moment I’d say that’s pretty good news.”

Anne scoops me into a big hug, with a whispered ‘Thank goodness’.

“So where’s Myrna and Dash? You didn’t exactly all flee in the same direction.”

“I- I don’t know. When that lion roared, I couldn’t think anymore, I j- just had to run.”

“And that’s perfectly fine, we just need to regroup and keep going for that mountain now.”

Anne nods, and takes to the air, keeping an eye out for the others. I just sit and sheathe my sword, while I wait for Myrna and RD to show up. Hopefully it won’t take long.

“Any luck!?” I call up to Anne, hoping to get a report. “Wait, I have an idea!”

I spark up once more and try to... Idunno, expand my range <IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, THE LEO ARE GONE AND WE'RE SAFE. LOOK FOR ANNE, SHE'LL GUIDE YOU TO ME.>

A minute or so later, RD’s blue streak meets up with Anne, and Myrna slides out of the ground nearby a little after that. However, it’s nearing the end of the day, and we’ll need to put up a camp very shortly. Damn, I’d hoped to get this done sooner... Oh well.

“So I guess the plan is we set up camp for the night and make our way to the mountain and see if we can’t find the Class Four in the morning. We should try and get that done quickly so that we can get back in time to keep our boat from being toothpicks.”

“It should be an easy run back, once we get to the mountain. We’ve been kinda meandering getting there.” RD says.

“Alright, so mountain tomorrow. For now, sleep.”

Chapter 208

It’s been two days in total now. If we take much longer, we won’t be back in time to get on the boat before it’s sunk. The hot, burning plains have been tortuous, but we broke through the mirage concealing the mountain from ground view. That said, I’ve never done any mountain climbing without chalk, and we don’t have any packed so I have to avoid the steeper parts of the climb.

Deciding to go up and take a look, just in case this one has a ‘no flying’ trap like that cave the hag was in, we’ve begun climbing towards the odd, exploded-out mountaintop. It looks kind of like the barrel of a gun that banana peeled after a cartoon character put a finger in it. How the rock stays like that, I have no idea.

“Come on, man! It’s taken us two whole hours to get this far up!”

“Shut it Dash.” I search around for a foothold and find one but testing it knocks it free. “You think this is easy for an acrophobic?”

“Wait, you’re... scared of heights?”

“Scared? Is that what that sweaty, dizzy feeling is whenever I imagine falling? Gee, never would have figured that out, smartass.”

“F- for real?” Anne asks, slowing her ascension. “How bad is it?”

“I’ve had trouble with bridges not made with supports since I was six. Even those skybridges in airports freak me out to this day.”

“And... you learned basic mountain climbing anyways...” Myrna asks, slithering-slash-swimming through the mountainside.

“That’s correct, lizard-face, congratulations. As your prize, you win all the fucks I give. Put a sock in it and let me concentrate.” I manage to get a foot into a small crack and hoist myself up further, having a bit of trouble finding a good handhold.

Myrna sighs. “Why are you so... Oh forget it, here.” With a bit of molding, Myrna makes what amounts to a ladder shape on the mountainside for me to climb up. “Better?”

I glare at Myrna, grabbing the ladder’s rungs and climbing up them at a faster rate than my free-climbing allowed. “I’ll be ‘better’ once I’m at the top and am standing two meters away from any edge.”

“If I didn’t see it for myself... I’d doubt you’d ever done any rock climbing in your life.” Myrna comments.

“Listen, I’ve done more things to make myself nearly piss myself than anything else. Zip-lining, craziest roller coasters I could find, even going up in a biplane. I’m not going to give anyone the pleasure of being able to say they can scare me shitless more ways than I already have myself.”

“You are really weird.” Rainbow says. “But I guess that kinda makes sense...”

Anne shakes her head. “I could’ve just carried you up, y’know. Or Myrna could’ve. We’re both strong enough to.”

“The ladder is enough, thanks.”

“Whatever.” Myrna says, her snake body fully embedded into the rocky scree. The air is surprisingly warm, in spite of the significant vertical distance we’ve traveled. From everything I know of physics, it should be getting colder and colder, but... well, crap, I just looked down to see how far up I’d gone.

Annnnnnd this is where I freeze up, imagining any motion at all will end with me plummeting to my death and any errant breeze signals imminent demise. “Goddamnit... Carry me...”

Myrna, rolling her eyes, slithers back around and grabs me, acting as a horizontal surface I can lay on as she ‘elevators’ me to the top. I hate being babied...

A flash from a camera later, and I see a snickering Rainbow Dash fly out of my range. Damnit, now I’m going to be a laughingstock. Well, more than usual, anyways.

“I’ll get you for this, Rainbow Dash...”

“Pffft, like I haven’t heard that before.”

“Just shut up. If I can’t get the negatives, I’ll find your darkroom.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. But seriously... you’re afraid of heights?”

“Fuck off.”

Rainbow just laughs. “Wow, I mean wow... aren’t stars supposed to be like... above everything? Like, as high as anypony can even go?”

“Wasn’t always a star. Now shut up before I pluck your feathers.”

“I’d like to see you try.” Dash mocks.

I look up at Myrna and put on the sweetest, most innocent face I can muster. “Hey, could you get me closer to Rainbow for a sec?”

“Ha ha ha, no. I don’t wanna have to carry her all the way home through that freezing swamp.”

“Fine... how much further to the top?”

“We’re almost there, just hold your horses.”

“Wait... what?”

I at least manage to get a laugh from Dash’s very confused face.

Finally, we reach the top of the mountain. Or, rather, a ledge circling the top about fifty feet below the blown-out top. Not ten feet away, slightly around the curve of the mountain, is a cave entrance, the exterior decorated with sigils and shapes in royal purple and dark teal, the occasional streak of charcoal black separating them.

“So I guess we knock and see who’s home.”

“Uh... why? It’s a creepy cave, bad things live in creepy caves, dude.” Rainbow says, gesturing at said cave.

“Yeah, and if I didn’t go into a ‘creepy cave’ after finding a way through an invisible wall that makes you sick, I’d never have gotten you from that hag who thought Anne was fugly and you were a pet.”

Dash is about to object but then seems to think better of it. “So... who do you think lives here then?”

“Only one way to find out.” I walk to the mouth of the cave and knock on the inside, trying to make an echo loud enough that whoever is there can hear it. “Anybody home?”

Looking into the cave, I can see it’s decorated with hanging herbs, the floor is smooth, but with a slight texture, likely for grip. The walls have intricate designs in colored paints, depicting symbols, sigils, glyphs, animals and humanoids, the sun, moon, and stars, and many more things besides. Some of the symbols glow faintly, illuminating the tunnel. A few feet further into the cave entrance is a solid, heavy wooden door, with a jack-o-lantern face painted on it in brightly glowing orange paint.

“Looks like we got ourselves an artist here.” I walk to the door to knock again, figuring just walking inside would be rude and the residents of this continent are at the very least civil and intelligent. However, before my hand touches the painted wood, the glowing face shifts as if watching my fist. I freeze, no longer sure if knocking would be a good idea. I recall the villa ‘door’ from Wind Waker and, a chuckle later, try talking to it like that one. “Hello?”

“Greetings, Traveller.” The face says, painted mouth moving to match the words. “What business have you here?” The voice isn’t very intimidating, but sounds vaguely disgruntled.

“Well, my group and I came because of a report of an... unexpected arrival on this continent that may be a serious problem, but we’re rather lost as our map is... negligible in it’s design. Not to mention apparently several years out of date.”

“And thou wishest what, Warlock? To seek my mistress’s aid and favor in repairing thy map? Bah, what a waste of time!” The door answers grumpily. “Thou have no luck at all, for you have come to the wrong place. My mistress bears not fools nor their followers.”

I’m getting tired of debating with a sentient glassless window and Spark up. “Make no mistake, door. I’m no Warlock, I am Starborne and am far from a fool.”

“A fool you are, and a Fool you’ll be, if thou give away thy secrets so. To seek my mistress is folly, fool, and you cannot even think to harm me; I am much too powerful for such minor threats as mere stars.” The face seems to tilt up, and I get the feeling the door would be crossing its arms and putting its nose in the air if it had either of those things.

“You call me fool, and yet you are the one who is making assumptions. I issued no threat and revealed no secret, merely corrected you on my identity. If you are so sure of your mistress not wanting to meet with me or my friends, I’d like to know how, as I’m not a fan of dealing with middlemen.”

“Because I’m the door, of course! A door keeps out all who seek to enter, regardless of intent, unless they be invited! It’s been over four hundred years since I’ve gotten to do my damned job, and damned will I be if I do not!”

“If she wants us off this mountain she must merely say so herself and we will leave, bearing no hostilities or ill will. Is that a satisfactory request?”

The door thinks for a moment. “Thou would have to ask my mistress, and she is not here now, is she? Otherwise, ye would receive thy answer and be off already; I do my job quite well.”

“Alright, well if you are of no use to us and there is nobody else who can, we shall make our leave, door, as I said we would.”

“W-wait, leave? No! You can’t do that, you have only been here for a few minutes! And I didn’t say the mistress was gone, only not here, you see. Uh, so... erm...” The door makes a swallowing sound, its face desperate, “Please do not leave?”

“What for? You said you did not want our presence, and there is a pressing matter that may be catastrophic to this planet as a whole I must attend to. If I can find no help here, we may as well return to our mission.”

“Wait... ‘catastrophic to the planet?’ Art thou... a hero?” The door asks, sounding a little wary.

“Some call me such, though I disagree. The path I walk is not one bathed in holy light, but I do fight to protect those who can’t help themselves.” I’m getting used to the pseudo-medieval speech pattern they have here.

“Hmmm... Mistress did say to... but then I’d have to... Bah! Fine, thou may pass, but one of your troupe must stay here to be of company with myself. Do thou take the deal as contract?”

“I have no troops with me, only friends. It is up to them to decide.” I turn to the girls. “So, who’s gonna stay and keep Mr. Door happy?”

“A troupe is a group! And thou say thou art not a fool...” the door grumbles.

I ignore the insult. “Rainbow, you up for having a chat with a talking door while we see this mistress of his? Or is someone else gonna volunteer to be the door’s ‘keeper’.”

“Eh, I’ll stay. I don’t like being underground, anyways.” Dash says, “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay then. We have met your requirement, door. May we enter?”

“Aye, you may.” The door swings open, revealing a dimly-lit hall heading in. After Myrna, Anne, and I pass through, the door slams shut. The jack-o-lantern face grins malevolently. “Ah, I may have forgotten to mention. Upon passing by my threshold, you have agreed to face the perils three beyond. And I must thank thee, Traveller. I am now free, for I have a contracted minion of my own now.” and the face fades away, leaving a solid slab of painted stone, glowing faintly in the tunnel.

Deciding to keep my Star form up I shrug. “Well, guess we go see whoever lives here, and get Dash back later. Can’t imagine what a door would use her for but she’s tough. Guess we prepare for these ‘perils’?”

“Assuming that was just a door.” Myrna says, sliding along. “Also, Anthony... I can’t merge into the stone here. Can’t shape it or anything.”

I recall the ‘stone wall’ illusion from the other hag. “Hold on, gimme a sec.” I focus on the same tactic of ignoring the stone’s existence but when I open my eyes it still stands. “Okay, nevermind, different trick applied here. You got other skills though. If a peril needs to breathe you can just choke ‘em out, right?”

“I- I suppose. Let’s just keep going. I don’t want to leave Rainbow back there with that creep longer than we have to. That door reminded me of something from Fable.”

“Never played it.” I admit. “If you think she’s in trouble then we should get through those three perils quick, right?” I wave my arm, signalling them to follow as I walk into the cave.

“Yeah.” Myrna turns back towards the depths of the cave, and we continue on.

After less than a minute, we come to another door, this one with a carven face of a one-eyed woman, her other eye socket scarred and empty. The face is carved from wood, but is kinda pretty, but only kinda. As we step closer, it shifts and turns towards us.

“Greetings, Traveller. Bear you gifts to enable your passage?” the door says, voice oddly kindly.

“We may or may not.” I say. “Define gifts. Do you accept money? Rare minerals? Special trinkets? Things from another land?”

“Such petty things will not interest my mistress, who once imprisoned me in stone for I came from a land further away than tomorrow. Now, I guard her home in penance for what I did.”

“Then what sort of gift would she accept? I have few objects of... highly notable value, but they tend to follow me, recalling themselves should they find me too far away.”

“When given in contract, something stays with its owner, regardless of its opinions or preferences.”

“Still, I would like to know what your mistress would like from us? We would like to pass quickly so we may face the three perils the first door mentioned.”

“Perhaps the passing of one such treasure as cannot be remade would suffice. Your companions, sir, are irreplaceable. One of them would be admissible barter.”

“And I would be getting back whatever I trade to you afterwards, right?”

“Passage onwards, yet to see my mistress. Would you give such as payment?” the door asks.

I think this over. I sigh and hold up the Lyre. “This instrument was specially crafted for me by the Constellations themselves. If I had to give up a special object, I’d trade this before my companions.”

The door cocks its head/face. “Yet you have already given one to the slavery of the imp at the entrance.”

“The imp demanded partnership, not trinkets. If the Lyre would have sufficed I would have given it up but the demand was for a living person.” Something clicks in my head. “What do you mean slavery? Talk, portal!”

“The contract was for one of your members to give themselves as companion to the imp. There was no tell of when this servitude would end, and thus the Imp was released from his own servitude, as per his own contract that stated only when he was master of another would he be free.”

“So he made Rainbow the door in his stead...” I leer at the door in front of me. “So, how do we get her back, and the imp back in his place. I would suggest you speak quickly.”

“She is not bound where he was; she is now his property. I have no doubt he has fled as far and fast as he may, to make as fine of use of his new prize as he is able.” the door pauses for a moment, “The Embodiment of Loyalty is a prize that may bring him princehood among the fel masters of his kind. However, that is no longer your concern. You traded her away, and that is done now. You must trade something that cannot be replaced to bear passage by me, and a mere star-forged instrument will not do.”

“And what will you do with my friends?” I seethe. “Tell the truth, and make it good.”

“Once given, they take my place until another trades with them. I will then be freed to my own homeworld, and be able to slay whomever has taken seat upon my throne and return it to my control.”

“Fuck off. I’m going to get Rainbow back and you aren’t getting anyone from me. Stay there and get woodrot.” I turn back and gesture for Myrna and Anne to follow back out the cave. “Let’s go get her back girls. Should’ve known not to trust a talking inanimate object.”

We get back to the closed door, only to find it nothing more than painted stone, which Myrna again cannot alter or pass through.

Sighing I walk back to the pretty/not pretty door-woman. “Let us out of here. And don’t try being funny.”

“I have no power over the entrance. By passing that threshold, you bound yourself to overcome the trials within or die trying.”

“So you want something special, but a creation of the constellations is not worthy? I find you greedier than the hand of Larfleeze himself, door.” I dump out all the stuff from my backpack to display for the door.  “I’m not going to give up any more of my friends, what else would you take?”

“You bear no trinkets my mistress may yet be confounded by. I was taken for the uniqueness of my position and cruelty. It is only fitting another of equal yet different standing be taken in my stead.”

“And you must be the one who decides what is equal in value to yourself? It must be since I doubt your mistress would pass up what I’ve already offered. If my assumption is false, she herself must tell me otherwise. If you truly think yourself above the stars... I’d like to see you prove it.”

“I once commanded a nation amongst the stars, and thousands died by my command each morn; merely forged by stars is no great feat.”

“Your greed truly knows no bounds, nor does your ego it seems. If a starforged artifact is not enough, I fail to see how I’d have anything ‘worthy’ of you... other than the dirt under my feet.”

“One of your companions would suffice. I have never seen beings of their kind before; they would stand well for me in this position.”

“I’d rather fight a thousand of you than-” a ‘hand’ of bronze feathers settle themselves on my shoulder.

“Anthony, if it means you can continue on, I’ll do it.” The bronze harpy-girl sighs quietly. “You have to rescue Rainbow Dash; she’s our friend.”

“Alright, fine... but I’m coming back for you after.” She smiles and nods in understanding, before pulling me into a tight hug.

After she lets me go, she walks over to the door. “I- I will stay, so they may go.” The door nods to her, and strands of stone and wood reach for Anne. I can only watch as they drag her into the door, the face morphing into Anne’s. The door, now bronze in place of stone, gleams in the dim light, then opens. Parallel trails of moisture leak from her closed eyes.

“She was an owned object before, I’ll get her out of it again. Come on Myrna, hopefully the trials we face involve punching something’s face into jelly.” Angry at having to temporarily sacrifice Anne I continue through the door.

The metal door slams shut behind us, the edges fusing into place. Ahead, though, is a tunnel that slopes sharply down, and the air feels a little warmer. Deciding just standing around isn’t going to find Rainbow or rescue Anne, I continue along, half noticing my core has decided I am angry enough to have my Heat Form triggered, though I’m not producing flames, so it’s definitely not the cause of the rise in temperature.

A hundred feet down the tunnel or so, the floor is so sharply angled that I slip, and begin sliding down the tunnel, only stopping short when Myrna snags me by my backpack, pulling me to safety. “You had better be glad I have good traction with all this surface area, Anthony. And by the way, it’s getting really hot down here, and so dry.”

“We press on anyway. Besides, I give it a twenty-to-one that the next door we find is gonna want you.”

“Let’s hope not.” Myrna says, before gripping me under the armpits and beginning to slowly take us down the slope. Thankfully, after it’s been mostly vertical for about ten feet, it levels back out. Myrna sets me down, and wipes a sheen of sweat from her head. She also takes off her shirt, leaving just her bra on. Any part of her that isn’t scaled is sweating profusely.

“Stay here, I’ll keep going. You should be fine, just get cooler, head back a bit, you don’t look so good.”

“We don’t know what’s ahead, Anthony. If it’s something we have to do together, I can’t simply leave you because I’m a little heated, alright? I’m a snake, I’ll be fine.”

“Alright, but if you pass out from heatstroke I’m dropping everything and getting you out of here ASAP, got it? The only body I’d leave here is mine if it comes to it.”

“Sure. Let’s just get this over and done with. And damn, where is this heat coming from?” She asks as we walk along. “This is just a mountain; if it was a volcano, there would’ve been smoke above it, and there wasn’t.”

“We walked down kinda far. Maybe some sort of magical bullshit put us closer to the planet’s core. And don’t say that’s impossible, I’ve seen what some of these hag-things can do and I wouldn’t put that past them.”

“Yeah, I guess...”

“Just... lean on me if you need to.” And don’t worry that you going limp on me for real might crush my spine, I silently add. If I had to get her out of here, I’d probably turn us intangible and get us out of the mountain that way, and hope we walk out onto a ledge. Shaking the thoughts away, I keep going until I find a cavernous room, lit by fiery orange-red light filtering from a wide hole in the center, leaving only a person-wide ring of a ledge around the edge. Inside the hole is a lake of lava, and even I can feel the heat and painful dryness of the air from the entrance to the room. Myrna has ditched her backpack, bra, everything at this point, just to be able to keep going, and she looks utterly taxed.

Across the room, I can barely see another door through the shimmering heat haze, the powerful smell of sulfur tainting the air like a carton of rotten eggs that’ve been smashed. Occasional plumes of smoke rise from the magma more than a hundred feet below, the cloud of dirty ash slowly rising and being sucked through a hole in the roof of the room. I should probably try to find a way to cool it down, or else Myrna won’t live through actually entering the room; we’re still a few feet into the entrance tunnel.

Hmmm... Cooling lava is not one of my powers but though I can tell it’s hot it’s not debilitating at all through my heat form at least.

“Stay here. I’m gonna see what I can do about the heat.” Walking into the room, I hear a loud crashing ‘wham’ noise and see a door has separated Myrna from me. Well... it’ll at least keep some heat in here so she should be fine if she hightails it back up the slope.

“Defend yourself, and you may pass!” a voice booms from the opposite side of the room, accompanied by a rumble that shakes the entire room.

“Nice pipes, buddy. Heard better. Show me what you got.”

A flaming hand, as wide as I am tall, rises from the magma, and I can feel the heat triple in response. Never before have I been more glad of my heat-proofing. Another rises, followed by an immense central lump, which sheds unconscionable amounts of molten rock and waves of heat.

“Yellow Devil meets Heatblast? Really? That’s it? Bring it on.”

A wide, fiery maw opens, a series of pristine crystalline teeth baring themselves as the creature clears its likely metaphorical throat.

“Ahem. I am the magma demon Arian Pinafore Megadenza Extremus. And I am going to throw some rocks at you now.” And sure enough, he throws a glob of flaming rock at me.

“Buddy, if you happen to have a chain nearby I can yank to ‘flush’ you, I am going to facepalm then laugh my head off.” I inform the monster with a long name as I go intangible and let the rock sail through me. The semi-liquid material splatters the wall behind me and begins oozing towards me, nearly sweeping me off before I notice it.

“So your plan is to, what? Drag me into the lava? Newsflash, that ain’t gonna do shit.”

“That is not all I can yet do.” The demon informs me, before clearing his throat again. “Mee-mee-mee-MEEEEEEEEEEE”

I fall to the ground clutching my head. Man, that note hit me like a hangover... Like everything was trying to boil out of my head at once. The pain is increased in a metaphorical manner now that I realize that my joke earlier about TGMP wasn’t actually too far off. “So... do I sing the first verse, or take the second?”

“None can usurp my singing prowess, nor can any upstage me.” Now that sounds like a challenge to me.

“Yeah well... my singing prowess has special effects of it’s own. Would you like to hear?”

“Nay, for there is no voice to match or beat my own, in beauty nor intensity.”

“Prove it.” I take out the lyre.

Chapter 209

Six of the best songs I could think of, each matched by the demon, who even duetted me in one of them, louder but better than my ‘mere repetition’ method.

“Well, you’re good, I’ll give you that... but I have one that you might not be able to keep up with.”

I begin on Waiting for the End, by Linkin Park, and he soon begins singing along, then takes over, guiding the song and putting it through its paces to keep up with his own ability.

“Bah, once again, you have shown you have a great wealth of music, yet your spring runs dry of talent! Why is there no heart to your music? Why is there no power in your voice? Why do you only hum echoes of the past?”

“Simple. If I sang for myself you’d get garbage. I can’t sing worth crap. Besides, even if it isn’t your music, isn’t remembering music so you can enjoy it again and again special as well? Creation is good, but only if it gets remembered long after the creator has passed on. I may not be a composer, but I certainly could not live my life at all without the joy and sadness music can provide. And if we could all be masters, we’d have no need for other creators and we’d treat music as mundane and unimportant as some Equestrians do, a truly horrible crime if you ask my personal opinion.”

“Your mind is addled if you think music so simple. It is the fount from which magic flows, and I am glutted with power from it! As such, I cannot be beaten, not by your pitiful voice!”

“If you truly cannot be beaten... may I offer another challenge?”

“Hmmph, as if. None can tame me, nor beat me, but I will not give you the advantage even then. I am no fool.”

“Exactly, that’s why the challenge is Gryphon Chess. If you are a fool, you’d lose to me in minutes.”

“Hmm... fine. But only because I am bored, and do not get many chances to play. There is no gamble on this, else you would be lost even more.”

A brisk game of molten pieces and having to ask him to move my pieces for me -I may be immune to the heat, but I’m pretty sure the quicksand-like rock would suck me under if I tried going out to the middle- and I’ve won by a fair degree.

“That was a good game. However, you still have not beat me, for I still hold all the power here. You cannot escape until you beat me, or the mistress takes you.”

“Incorrect.” I say simply. “When I entered, you said the challenge was to defend myself. Not beat you. You are changing the rules in the middle of a challenge? I take you for a demon and therefore not totally trustworthy, but I wouldn’t take you for a cheater.”

“I said no such thing. The door said that, but I now sit in the doorway. The door stands open, but there was no contract of freedom with me.”

“So if whatever game I choose won’t let me win, what game would let me past if I won?”

“There isn’t, for I am not so easy to beat. As I have stated, no-one can beat nor bind me.”

“And yet... you stay here? Why?”

“... because contracts are binding, until they state they are completed.” the demon says, grudgingly.

“But you said none can bind you, and yet you have been so by this contract. So you can be bound.”

The demon says nothing, but shifts in place a little.

“Your pride and power may be unmatched, but you lack in some area, else you wouldn’t be here, a guardian to your mistress, something a truly unstoppable demon would not be. You are flawed simply from the fact of where you sit.”

“I AM POWERFUL BEYOND YOUR KNOWING! I HAVE NEVER BEEN BEAT IN ANY FAIR FIGHT!” The magma monster screams, rising up angrily.

“Oh? Then how did your mistress cheat you into being here? If none can beat you fairly, what manner of trickery did she exploit to bind one who cannot be bound?”

“She- she challenged me to a battle, and I would have won had she not changed what type! Battle is what my kind excels at, but she made it a battle of witsand wordplayrather than true might, and came after me with damned puns!PUNS!! Not even true witticisms and intelligent debate such as I might have enjoyed, but a battle of foul, disgusting PUNS!!!”

I glower at his insult. “You are sorely mistaken, as the power of a bard does not stop at music, but encompasses all vocal talents. If you are not sharp-witted enough to be successful in jest, you cannot truly comprehend the power of words and therefore, music by extent, for what is music but the speech of strings being plucked and wind rushing through holes?”

“I- argh! They are nothing but trickery of words, twisting them like arms turned back by force!”

“And twisting words is something a master artist does, twisting how the string is plucked and how the wind travels through the holes. Words are meant to be twisted, and you cannot possibly beat me in that regard. Unless the bound and therefore defeated demon thinks he has no chance against my own razor tongue?”

“You cannot defeat me, mortal, it took a god to bind me once, even your silly, sloppy mutterings of garbled contexts and meanings will not help you! Even if you beat me, which you can’t, you would not be free, for you cannot harm me!”

I smirk and step forward, my smirk becoming a smile as the demon retreats, though only a fraction of an inch. “You think you're RED-y for my rhymes? You'll soon be green as envious limes! I see you're not yellow, fellow, but I don't want to make you blue so get a clue. Then pur-pull the plug before you're played. Or I'll ‘orange’ a rain...bow on your parade.” The demon flinches from each pun, and they are pretty rough around the edges, but not that bad.

“The rhymes are fine, but the puns ruin it all!” the demon roars, and raises a fiery fist.

“Well then, how about a sandwich?” I await the demon’s response with a giddy feeling inside.

The demon pauses, arm still in the air, shedding molten globules. “A... what?”

“A sandwich. Haven’t heard of it? Not surprised, they don’t make much noise.”

“... I don’t like where this is going.”

“Fear not my flaming friend, it is nothing more than food, put between two pieces of bread. Now, would you like that on punpernickle or rhyme?”

“Aaaurgh! I’ll flatten you, you disgusting punster!”

Folding my hands behind my back, I grin. “Lettuce review olive the facts: You’ve mustard up the worse-stershire skills I’ve seen, yet you relish yourself a master. Truth is, you’re full of baloney, and I’m the real gyro here. You’ll never ketchup to me; I’m the big cheese, see? So beet it. You’re getting served...”

The demon puts its hands to its head, and begins chanting, “La-la-la-la-la! I can’t hear you!”

“You think it’s hot down here? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for you temper-ature. I’m hot stuff who keeps the fire going. My victory is already set in stone, I mean, I’m already kicking your ash all over the place. By the time I’m done they’ll put me in amagmazine. Maybe even Rolling Stone. You think my wit is real rocky, but I’m sharper than steel, you don’t realize my tactile-onic genius. Carve this into your tablet: I’m gonna win in a landslide so give up and just start gravelling .”

“Just shut up and go away!” the demon yells, covering his head and sinking into the pool of magma, uncovering the door and groaning piteously.

I shrug and head for the other door. “Call me when the ‘master’ is ready to learn how to use words right. Otherwise... you’ll be left in the dust with no direction. Or you can just give up. I won’t feel too let-down.”

A few bubbles arise in the boiling stone, and there are no more responses from the defeated lava-lord.

Like a boss! Grinning, I continue onto the door. I feel pretty confident I can handle whatever ‘peril’ is next. Seriously though, did he really never expect comedy to be a weapon? Heh, it’s the best one I have.

Stepping through the doorway, I find myself in a short hall, terminating a spiral staircase heading upwards. The stone is now far better worked, and the designs on it are no longer painted, but tiled on. Thinking back, I could see similar designs in the previous chamber, they just hadn’t been so important at the time. They must be what’s been keeping Myrna from stonemelding and- Myrna! I’d left her behind! I turn to head back and a stone wall greets me where the archway to the lava room was. I try phasing through, to no avail, and find myself unable to disbelieve it into not being there.

Yeah, figures... guess I’m doing this alone. I move back to the fancy tiled area and take a further look around. Near as I can tell, it’s just a spiral staircase, with a golden symbol next to it. I can’t quite see it in the dim light, but the staircase can’t go too much further. Figuring the staircase is afflicted with magical bullshit like everything else, I light up and take a closer look at the gold symbol.

It’s shaped like a sideways eight, the symbol for infinity. Which could mean the stairs are infinite, I’m infinite number of steps away, I’m on floor infinity, right above coats and powdered wigs, anything.

Eh, whatever, just gotta figure something out. Maybe... I try sliding the symbol onto it’s side to make it read ‘8’ but it’s firmly set into the wall.

Well... I use my fire powers to heat up my hand to the point where I can ‘draw’ into the stone, but it’s absolutely heat resistant, which makes sense given the last room’s theme of lava. Scorch marks appear however and that works with what I need. Next to the golden infinity, I add some bits to the ‘equation’ so it reads

∞ - ∞ + 10

If that works it means I only need to go up ten stairs. Might as well try. I take the ten steps and, with no result, go up five more just in case, but give up and head back down to the symbol.

Well, I’m not entirely done with the equation deal, but it seems I can’t fix it myself. This is obviously utilizing altered physics... so I have to think differently. Maybe it treats the symbols I wrote differently. But I’ll need to rewrite what I have. The stone is smooth... I won’t be able to remove the scorch marks, but at least it’ll smudge over so it’s not in the way.

Scrubbing the wall down with my sleeve, I think I see something shiny underneath the scorch mark. Something that wasn’t there before. It’s... a minus sign? Right where I put mine? Well, more or less, at least... it’s a lot more polished than mine, with flecks of charred, blue-and-purple material in the corners, like a coating of paint...

I rub off the rest of the scorch marks thinking I can uncover more but there aren’t any. Just the “∞ -” deal, set in gold. Infinity minus what though? That’s an incomplete equation, you can’t just do that, it’s bad mathematics! Okay... new plan. What does this mean? Well, infinity obviously, but the minus sign indicates negativity, reversal, going backwards... going backwards... Hmmm... I get on the stairs and for my first attempt, start walking up them with my back faced towards the climb, as if I’m walking backwards... It takes a bit of time and I’m about to start heading back down the steps, facing backwards to my descent in case that helps, but when I turn I seethat I’m in some sort of workshop, a large hole occasionally jetting smoke and ash into some sort of brass contraption in the center of the room.

Widgets, geegaws, doodads, and all manner of pots, pans, and flasks sit around the room, boiling things, frying things, sauteing things, and generally leaving a combination of scents both good and bad.

“I’m no moron, I know an alchemists’ lab when I see one. Question is...” I walk up to one of the better-smelling flasks and carefully pick it up for examination. “Whose is this and what are they making...”

“‘Tis a tincture of unending lust. I’d be very careful about sniffing too deeply starborne.” An aged, whispery voice says from behind me. “I brew many things, most simply because they are something I have not made in a long time.”

I turn, and see a shadowy figure of nearly fourteen feet in height, with wrinkles in its wrinkles and what looks like shadows boiling from its eye sockets, like flames lit in reverse. The figure seems to waver in the inconsistent light of the room, but the scale of the objects in the room make more sense now.

“I scarcely see many visitors anymore, Traveller. Why have you come here?” The shape finally resolves itself into the hunched shape of a hag, teeth rotten into a shiny beetle black in her grinning mouth, and purple and blue rags wrapped about her.

“I assume you are the mistress the doors and demon king mentioned. Also, if color means the same to hags, you wrapping yourself in purple implies royalty or importance...”

“You have it backwards, starborne. Purple decries a linkage to me, and thus is royal for its nearness.”

“So you are an important person then. Well, I came here with a problem and now that I’m here I have even more. Your trials have caused me the loss of my three friends to your servants, and I would like to ask for assistance in the locations of the four I’m looking for.”

“You would speak thus to me? As if we stood on equal ground?” The figure bristles slightly, standing a little straighter and bringing her height closer to sixteen feet. “And do you know to whom you speak?”

“No I do not. But yes, I do believe that all should be treated with equal amounts of respect unless they prove themselves unworthy of respect. I assume you are powerful and I do not say I think you are weak, I merely assume you have knowledge of this continent that exceeds my own and would ask a more-informed person for assistance.”

The grin on the hag widens further, and with a crackling of bones, the hag suddenly compacting into the size of an ordinary human and standing a little straighter. “So you come seeking knowledge? Of a wayward companion or a fleeing enemy?”

“That and the location of my other friends I’ve given up to make it to you. As powerful as you may be, I don’t think my friends are worth whatever your servants amount to and would like them back.”

“Hmm... well, technically, only one is in my service now. The harpy woman, with bronze skin.”

“And I assume you aren’t going to just let her go, or help me at all in getting my other friends back either...”

“Hmm... Well, I believe I may, actually. Here, in return for visiting me, something which nobody has even attempted in far too long, I give you these.” She pulls a pair of metallic orbs, each covered in an incredibly complex series of details. “They are favors, and I will owe you two. Use them whenever, and I will aid you thusly.”

“And exactly who are you?” I ask reaching for the orbs cautiously. I’m familiar with ‘favors’ being requested from powerful magic users is not always a brilliant idea.

The hag grins further. “Be warned, as you take these as payment for the entertainment you have given me, that I do not suffer fools gladly... for my name is Black Annis, and it is I who gave the gift of Magic to ponykind.”

“...and the alicorns?”

“Constructs from a very long time later, yet still quite long ago. And once, far more numerous than now. Now, I will answer no further questions of great import unless you wish to make use of a favor to ask them, and I believe you have more important things to request.”

“Would asking how the orbs are used when not in your presence be a question of great importance?”

“No, merely prudent. Simply crush one, and I shall take some time to find what you wish for. Do not worry, if you do not intend to break them, they won’t.”

“I see... and if I were to use one of these favors to request my friends and myself safely in a location nearby the one we came here to find... would you grant that even though Anne is still in your servitude, or must I free her another way first?”

“Heh, I would not be able to transport them on a single favor, but I could return your... friends. I will also grant you passage from the Ettermount as a boon, and one which I request no repayment of.”

“Thank you. Also, if it would not require a favor, could you tell me exactly what has happened to Rainbow Dash as an imp’s slave?”

“It will be wiped from her mind upon her return. It is for the best; do not argue this with me.” the hag says, and snaps her fingers. Instantly, Dash, Anne, and Myrna are inside the workshop, with plenty of space for all. Dash looks a little dazed, singed, and confused, but not too injured. “Now, you must go if you are to return to Black Port in time to catch your boat, Anthony.”

I shrug, figuring it’s no surprise that someone who basically explained that she gave ponies their magic and pulled off something I’d only expect Discord to accomplish... yeah, I wouldn’t put it past her to know my name. Probably even my real name. But no matter. I pocket the remaining orb, the other one had disappeared, likely having been crushed to use the favor.

“Now, before you leave, I have one gift for the rest of you as well. You gave your all, each of you, to aid your friend in reaching me, so I give you a favor, to use as you will.” the hag says, handing each of them an orb as well. They each look at it in confusion, still having not been told what the heck is going on. “And now, you must leave,” she continues, “may you fare well on your travels.” and suddenly, no snapping or clicking or anything else, we’re on the plains, maybe a half a mile from the forest.

Well, guess there’s only one thing to do. Our original mission.

Dash speaks up. “Uh, guys? I have three questions. Why am I crispy, what happened back there, and why is my rear all sore?”

I shrug. “Well, you uh... stayed back to fight off a bunch of demons while the rest of us kept going. The burns might be from that. As for your rear... well I guess it depends on the type of ‘sore’.”

“Idunno. Probably nothin’, it’s just real weird. Anyways, I stopped to fight demons for you guys? Man, I musta kicked their butts!”

“Sure ya did. We’ll have a big party for you later. For now, I have a quick job for you.”

Chapter 210

I send Dash off with some coins to give to the dock hags. I can’t be sure how much time is left so I figure we’ll be better off extending our time. Rainbow’s chromatic trail disappearing over the horizon of fog-filled swamp, I turn to the girls. “So she’ll be back in a minute or two. How would we find our charge-slash-target now?”

Anne looks to me. “Actually, first, can we get an explanation of what happened? The last thing I remember happening is being pulled into that awful door.”

“Well... first a bit of clarification of events in the order they happened. Rainbow actually ended up being that door-imp’s slave and given her ending up burned and in pain there’s only a few places I can imagine she might have been taken. She’s had her memory wiped for her own good and the exact details of what happened to her has been... withheld.”

“That... and she said her rear was sore? Does she even know what that means?”

“For her sake... I hope she’s as clueless as she acted. Anyway, Anne ended up swapping places with that other door, and when Myrna collapsed from the heat... I had a pun-battle with a magma-demon. Explanations later. Anyway, it turns out that it was a volcano. All the ash and smoke and presumably excess lava/magma was being siphoned into the alchemical laboratory of the hag I was with. She’s... essentially the reason ponies as a species have magical connections. Long story short, she was impressed with me for whatever reason and gave me two ‘favor-balls’. I used one to get you guys back to me. Her sending us out here was a freebie.” I like having a star core. It means I can make long-winded speeches without having to breathe.

“That’s uhm... wow.” Myrna says. “So, wait... hags are apparently evil, but this one gave ponies their magic? How does that work? And why did she give you favors? Did she get something from you?”

“As I said, she gave me them because she was impressed. Apparently I’m the first living thing in a long while who even attempted to see her, much less make it to her. As for hags being evil... I’m not sure, I think they are up there with Changelings. Pretty scary and potentially dangerous but not outright hostile as a whole. No idea how or why she gave the ponies magic but since she can pull off crap I’ve only seen from Discord, an avatar of a base law of the multiverse itself... I’m not putting a damn thing past her abilities yet. Anyway, if you recall, she gave each of you a ball as well. Just crush it and you basically get a free favor from someone who could potentially out-magic Celestia without even being in a thousand-mile radius of her.”

Myrna looks down at her favor. “Well... there’s only one thing to do, then.” And she crushes the metal ball in her hand, the pieces turning to gray sand and falling to the ground. Nothing seems to happen.

Still nothing. “I... think you have to say something. I didn’t exactly use my first one, it just kinda disappeared after Annis, the hag back there, got you guys back.”

“No, I’m just waiting to see what she wants.” the hag’s voice says, seemingly from mid-air between us, “I am not bound to arrive in person for each favor, after all.”

“So Myrna... what did you want?”

“We need to know how to find the person we came here for. We have no way to track them or-”

Black Annis’ voice cuts her off. “Simply walk to Black Port, and you will find what you seek. That is all I shall say; make good use of what I have given you.”

I shrug. “Well, the port is through the swamp again at least from here. So we just wait for Dash to come back and then we head in and search around. Though we might still have more zombies to deal with. At least the hag that semi-abducted Anne and Rainbow was essentially a tier-five necromancer. Full bone manipulation, not just reanimation.”

Anne shudders. “That sounds... disturbing.”

Myrna nods in agreement, coinciding with Dash coming back overhead, and touching down.

“Heya, you miss me?” Dash asks, grinning cockily. “Anyways, we’ve got another day ‘till we need to get back. We have any idea where to look for our new buddy?”

“Well, Myrna used her little ‘free wish’ rock and we found out that it’s somewhere in the swamp or at least somewhere between right here and the docks.”

“Huh... okay, so shouldn’t we be going, then?” Dash asks, hopping back into the air.

“Yeah, as soon as everyone’s ready to go back into the swamp which will likely have more zombies on top of actually having to do a search of the place as opposed to walking straight through it.” I pause. “And don’t say zombies will be easy or I’ll leave you to fight them off alone.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll be fine, just like last time. Worst comes to worse, we can just blow them up again.”

“I can’t find enough stone, we can’t protect ourselves from another explosion!” Myrna shouts over the horde of zombies, some of which are showing signs of intelligence and hanging back or using the dumb ones as cover.

“I blame Rainbow Dash. I said not to say this would be easy!”

“How was I supposed to know it’d be this hard? Zombies don’t think, how’d they know to surround us first?”

A cackle fills the air, and the temperature plummets several degrees. A shadowy outline floats across the edges of the small clearing we’re stuck in, several feet above the mud.

“Zombies don’t think. Unless there’s someone commanding them to think for them, genius! Rule one of being a superhero, never say something is easy or couldn’t go wrong!”

“But it couldn’t!”

“It just did!” Anne yells back, throwing a bladed pinion at the shadowy figure. It doesn’t even dodge; the missile passes completely through it without any disturbance, and the ominous chuckle grows louder.

“Any more bright ideas, team?” I hurl the Sword at the figure but even a stellar weapon seems to just pass right through and a few seconds later I hear the ‘splut’ of it falling in the muck, three seconds later, the currently useless weapon materializes in my hand again.

“I can’t turn it to stone either, I think it’s some kind of ghost!” Myrna says, batting another of the zombies away with her stone-clad arms.

I can at least hit the zombies with my sword, but when I cut one down another takes it’s place and some zombies are smart and fast enough to avoid my swipes. I can’t think of anything to hurt the ghost thing though.

With a crashing and splintering of wood, a wave of frigid mud and broken branches flies into view, followed by a towering entity, heavy set and swinging a pair of scythe-like talons at the ghoulish undead around us.

The massive creature, at least twice as tall as myself, is cutting a swathe through the creatures as it moves towards the incorporeal undead thing floating around, but I can see that the edges of the zombies’ wounds are glowing with a silvery-blue light, like paper burning slowly before it actually catches on fire, edges sort of... dissolving and shrinking away rather than being eaten all at once.

The large newcomer strikes out, grabbing the ghost with its glowing hands, and I see a humanoid face a moment before a rush of white-and-silver-blue flames pour from the newcomer’s face, blasting and scouring away at the spectral remnant, and also alighting the zombies in the process. The brilliant flames lick past me, warming me, but not burning, and spreads like a living thing to hunt down and isolate the zombies all around.

I take the chance to enter my plasma form, where I can actually cause some serious damage. The blade of my Sword glows and matches the intensity of the energy nimbus around me and, with the aid of my super speed, cut through a large mass of them as if they were butter. In fact, the glowing trail my sword releases seems to be melting whatever wasn’t given a rather interestingly-neat bisection.

With all five of us now able to make a stand, soon just the new creature and the ghost thing is left... or, rather, faded tatters of burning, incorporeal funeral shroud drifting around, and the newcomer breathing in the silvery-white flames. The being’s body begins to glow in places, revealing... uh, revealing...

I don’t have any clue what that is, beyond the humanoid torso coming from what almost looks like a spider’s face, except those aren’t spider legs and her -it only takes a glance at what parts of the chest are glowing to see it’s a her- hair appears to have leaves growing from it. As well, I can see a few mismatched insectoid wings coming off her back, but her face is only mostly human behind a pair of large, insectile pincers. Something like green dragon scales covers much of her lower torso and what little of her back I can see, but that’s not all. I don’t have enough time to look her all over, and I have no idea what I’m even looking at!

I raise my sword, pointing it at her. “Alias, known powerset, and alignment.”

“What the hay are you?” Dash says, dropping down near the being’s head before she can respond to my question.

Given the way the creature flinches -full body, no less- from Dash, I’m guessing she has no idea what’s going on. She glances back between Dash and myself a few times.

“Wh- what am I?” the being asks, voice distorted, yet oddly melodious. “I... I don’t know. But what’re you? And who are you?” Her first question goes to Dash, and the second to me.

I step ahead of Dash. Though we were just saved, I’m not taking chances with this. “We will answer your questions after you have answered ours. Alias, known powerset, and alignment. Who are you, what do you know about yourself now, and what is your alignment to?”

“I- I woke up, and I looked like a monster. And I still do. I th- thought I was dreaming, but now there’s other people. What’s going on?”

I facepalm... you try to do something professionally... “Look, miss... just give us your name and assure us you don’t plan to go around burning things and eating them alive. Otherwise, I’m supposed to kill you right here, right now.”

“K- kill me? But I haven’t done anything! I, uh, I mean, my name is Alex, but why would you kill me? I’m not- not a monster, I promise!”

“Long story short, you are not on Earth anymore, this is a different planet. We don’t know why, but humans and demons alike are coming through randomly, each... modified upon arrival. My job... kill the demons before they kill innocents. And I take my job very seriously in that regard.”

“They- they’re here, too?” Alex squeaks and curls up a bunch, an impressive feat for something that’s already likely outmassing me about ten times over.

“Yes. Right now, we came here to this continent because we got word that a new arrival popped up over here. I’m going to assume that the arrival is you. If that’s the case, you’re coming back with us to Equestria.”

“And... I’ll be safe?”

“That depends on a few things, but we’ll come to that when we get there. Our boat is waiting for us.”

I’m suddenly swept into a bone-crushing hug, a pair of human arms around my waist and a set of mantis-like talons pressed gently against my back. “Oh, thank you thank you thank you! I thought I was going to be lost and alone forever out here!”

“We will be if we don’t get back to the docks. We have a day to get there and with the zombie attack turning us around, I have no idea where to go to get there from here.”

“Then let’s- wait, there’s a dock?”

“Yes. Are you hydrophobic?”

“Uh, no? I don’t think I am, anyways.”

I cough to return her attention to me. “Put me down now?”

“Oh! So sorry!” She says as she drops me into the zombie-bits-filled-mud.

Thankfully, ‘intangibility’ also means ‘get out of gross stuff easily’. Standing up and letting the stuff fall through me, I depower, the nimbus retreating back into my chest and becoming the orb it usually is.

“You... you look normal.” Alex says, a little faintly.

“Yeah, I got a star core when I came through. Part man, part living star. Basically I’m a stellar being now. And you are... A chimera with no sense of fashion design.”

“A-actually, my clothes were all destroyed. When I woke up, they had all been shredded.”

“I was referring to your hybrid state. Most people who come through become part animal or a mythological creature. You are... an amalgamation of insect, mammal and I assume plant.”

“I... don’t really know.”

“Well, we better find out what you can do. As I said earlier twice. Known powerset. What are your powers? Do you know how to use them?”

“Anthony, we can question her once we get back to the docks. We also need to figure out how to get her to the ship... she’s, uh, rather large, and that little rowboat won’t carry her.” Myrna points out.

I think for a minute then look back up at Alex. “You a good swimmer?”

“I, uh, haven’t had any chances to try like this,” Alex responds, and Dash clocks herself in the face.

“Dude, she’s a giant... whatever. How the hay is she going to swim in the open ocean? Those reefs alone would cut her up really bad!”

“I was meaning she would swim to our real boat and hoist her onto the deck. All she has to do is hold onto the anchor while we pull it up.”

Myrna facepalms. “We’ll figure something out. If I have to, I’ll dive down until I can find some rock, and make a platform for her. But for now, we need to be able to find the ship.”

I turn to Dash. “You’re the expert navigator. Which way do we go?”

“Uh, gimme a sec.” Dash blasts off straight up, leaving a wide circle of fogless terrain, and I get a better look at Alex.

She is, for one thing, mostly green. Her ‘hair’ looks like vines, and the scales covering her back and sides are bright, spring-leaf green. She’s also standing on some kind of mammal legs, like a dog’s or cat’s, but there’s large, sucker-like growths on the backs of them. As well, of her human part, she’s got two sets of arms, her mantis-like limbs above her human arms, which have one too few fingers. As well, her eyes look... malformed. No, mismatched. As the light pours down for a moment, one eye contracts to a four-pointed star, and the other becomes a cuttlefish-like ‘w’ shape.

Then, Dash comes back down, and the fog begins to fill in again.

“It’s off thataway!” She points into the gathering fog. “And it’s not too far, either. C’mon!”

We set off and make pretty good time if I say so myself. I already figured out how to get Alex on the boat. We come to the edge of the swamp and meet up with the hag from before. Or a different one, can’t really tell. The lantern’s the same color, at least.

“Be ye here to depart? And whom have you brought here?”

“Yeah we’re leaving. And this is who we came here to get. Just gotta figure out how to get her onto the ship.”

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.” Dash says as I hear a huge splash.

I turn, and see that Alex is now in the water, mammal legs pumping as she swims a good two feet or so below the surface. She’s moving pretty fast, too.

“Alright, and we get her on deck... how? My plan of hoisting her up with the anchor? I wouldn’t suggest she try climbing up if she risks putting holes in the bottom to do it.”

“I’m not sure, but... well, shouldn’t there be bubbles coming from her mouth? Or something?” Dash asks. Sure enough, below us, Alex swims past, not a bubble from her in sight. Is she breathing somehow? Well, with all her outward changes, it just stands to assume she may have some internal changes. Maybe she got some aquatic creature bits. At this point, who knows what she can do?

Either way, I guess we should get going. I honestly don’t know what else we could do at the moment while we’re here, and we’ll need to send a letter to Celestia to see about getting a very large house made for Alex. Assuming she’s peaceful as she says, she’ll need to be accommodated appropriately.

“So... You each have a rock that gives you whatever you want as a one-time deal.” I say, referring to Anne and Rainbow, flying above me as I row my boat. “What’re you gonna do with them?”

“Idunno. Maybe I’ll wish for... idunno.” Dash shrugs as she flaps past. “Something cool, probably.”

“I think I might end up giving mine away. I don’t know what I’d do with something like that. Or keep it for an emergency.”

“Well...” I think of a suggestion for Anne. “You could ask if you could have something about you changed. Like, being able to swap between having wings or hands whenever you want would be neat. Or shrink your boobs a bit.”

“I- I don’t know. They may be a little ungainly, but they’re me, you know? Maybe, though.”

“Well, all I gotta say is be careful what you wish for. Personally, if you aren’t totally sure, I’d ask Twilight for help with phrasing your wish. She’s good at... nitpicking.”

“Oh, uhm, okay. I still don’t know what I’d use it for, though. Everything I could want right now seems a little... vain. Or petty.”

“I’m still thinking about what I’ll use mine for.” I shrug. “A bag connected to Hammerspace would be nice, or a portable hole.”

“Those might be pretty useful.” Myrna interjects, sidling up next to the boat.

“Cartoon physics in the real world may as well be god-tier superpowers, let’s face it. Immortality, unbreakable skin, extreme healing factor, physics ignorance... Imagine someone with any of that. You ever see Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Combine the two elements into one person. A human with cartoon powers and physiology, but in the real world.”

“Y’know, with the way things have been happening... maybe that could happen. Everybody who’s come here has gotten basically superpowers. Mostly. So it’s entirely possibly somebody might come through with cartoon powers, or video game powers, or is the main character of a book or something... they’d be basically invulnerable if they knew what they were doing.”

“Yeah... if they knew what they were doing...” I muse, a few thoughts stirring in my head about how I could use the orb.

Chapter 211

Upon trying to get Alex into the boat, we found that she’s too heavy for the little ship. Thankfully, she seems to be able to breath underwater, or that’d be a major problem, as opposed to a minor one. We still need to get back in time not to run out of supplies. I suppose we could try fishing, but some of the ponies aren’t willing to eat meat-based foods.

Well, all we have to do is get back, right? We don’t need to be in the kind of hurry that requires constant labor on the part of our pegasus team so that’s a bit of food that’s spared... Wait... “If we just, sent the flight team back to Ponyville, we wouldn’t have to feed them-”

“There’s no way an untrained flyer could make that journey.” Dash interjects, shaking her head. “It’s just too far, Anthony.”

“I thought you said these pegasi could, in shifts, make it for two weeks straight?

“Sure, with somewhere to rest. Do you see any clouds up there? They’d have to fly for almost a week on end before they reach land, Anthony. Nopony can do that, not even me. You need special training to do overseas flights without a ship, and there isn’t anypony who doesn’t live on the coast with one, I’d bet. Well, except maybe the Royal Couriers and the Rangers, but they’re special.”

“So you won’t eat from the sea and you won’t try to get back home on your own. What do we do? Eat our shoes?”

“Uh, I can’t eat metal, Anthony. And even then, our bigger problem is water. We suck too much water out of the air to make a raincloud, and it’ll get really bad, Anthony. There’s a reason there’s months of preparation for everything in the weather office back home. We’ll just have to... well, push it a little. It helps that the ocean’s weather is pretty wild on its own. We might be able to wrangle some natural winds or clouds along the way. We can go a day or two on low food if we need to.”

“No need!” the ship’s cook yells. “We’ve got plenty as it stands, with maybe a little extra for celebration!”

“Alright, that’s a load-off... so since we’re good there, I guess if we need drinking water we just get a bucketful from the ocean. So we’re-”

“Don’t drink seawater!” Myrna admonishes me. “And besides, last I saw, since I sleep in the cargo hold, we have plenty, along with both grog and rum.”

“First off, you are on the ship with the living boiling machine.” I enter my Heat form to accent my point. “Boiled water is safe water, even seawater. As for grog or rum, never had ‘em. Heard they’re dangerous.”

“Only if you have too much, or don’t like having fun.” one of the sailors tells me, passing by to the rear deck.

I shrug. “Alright then. So... since we aren’t in any kind of rush anymore, the trip will be about an extra half-week long I think. What do we do from now until then?”

“Idunno about you guys, but I’m taking a nap. Wake me in three days...” Rainbow walks below deck and presumably finds a place to sleep.

“Three days? She’s joking right?”

I hear a short chorus of laughter from the Ponyville flight team followed by a rather flat “No.”

“Okay then... So what do you guys do on long trips?” I ask, talking to another one of the sailor ponies.

“Normally? We drink and work. Sometimes, we sing. I heard you have an instrument; can you play?”

“Well, some of our human shanties are a little rough but good all the same... I got one.”

The sailors all seem to enjoy the song, moving a little faster and singing along to the chorus. Afterwards, they’re all smiling, and a few flagons of water are being passed around.

I call it a success, and it is a good song. Guess we’re just going to spend the trip partying, kinda. Sounds like fun to me. Last cruise ship party I was on was chaperoned by a bunch of ninth-grade teachers. This time ought to be fun.

So far, the trip back is way better than the way to the Dark Continent. We’re all alive, got some decent souvenirs, and we’re taking a refugee home with us. Things are looking up. I’m urged to play another song, apparently the human music isn’t too dark for these ‘rough and tumble’ sailor types.

Well if they don’t mind strained situations... Time for Æther Shanty.

My arms aching, back's breaking, legs aching, neck

And this whole ruddy ship is a huge creaking wreck.

As I play, it feels as if the waves rock the ship to the tempo, and a strong wind picks up at our backs, but otherwise the weather is perfectly clear and harmless.

We've flown ten thousand miles with this thorn in our sides

Though the wind's steady, strong with no clouds in the skies.

I’m worried the next verse might lead the ponies to do something stupid, but apparently they’re smart enough to sing along but not act it out.

The ropes creaking, ship's leaking, sails are on fire,

And this whole bloody ship could go up like a pyre.

Clearly not strangers to singing and dancing, everyone aboard is grinning and singing along, swaying with the lyrics or playing whatever instruments they happened to pack.

Crew's got smiles on their faces, but we've seen this before

No telling just now what we have in store.

The song continues and it certainly is a good mood, even if the music is a bit dark. But I suppose that’s the nature of sea shanties in the first place. In a sort of addition to the current festivities, a medium sized barrel of rum is rolled up onto the deck and iron mugs are passed around. That gives me an idea.

“Alright guys, this one’s a classic. Not sure if you know it but you’ll sure as hell remember it!”

What will we do with a drunken sailor?

What will we do with a drunken sailor?

What will we do with a drunken sailor?

Early in the morning!

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Early in the morning!

Shave his belly with a rusty razor,

Shave his belly with a rusty razor,

Shave his belly with a rusty razor,

Early in the morning!

This one gets a good amount of laughs.

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Early in the morning!

Put him in a long boat till he’s sober,

Put him in a long boat till he’s sober,

Put him in a long boat till he’s sober,

Early in the morning!

This ends with one of the deckhands being tossed into one of the spare rowboats, but not lowered into the water, just pulled out after the joke was played.

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Early in the morning!

Stick him in a barrel with a hosepipe on him,

Stick him in a barrel with a hosepipe on him,

Stick him in a barrel with a hosepipe on him,

Early in the morning!

Nobody seems to quite get the logic or joke behind this one, but the music keeps playing so the mood isn’t killed.

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Early in the morning!

Put him in the bed with the captain’s daughter,

Put him in the bed with the captain’s daughter,

Put him in the bed with the captain’s daughter,

Early in the morning!

Singing this particular verse gets one of the mares to walk past me and whack me in the face with her tail and all the other deckhands laugh like crazies.

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Early in the morning!

Thats what we do with a drunken sailor,

Thats what we do with a drunken sailor,

Thats what we do with a drunken sailor,

Early in the morning!

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Early in the morning!

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Way hay and up she rises,

Early in the morning!

The crew is laughing and smiling at the end of the song. As with any sea shanty, it’s either goofy or dark, and the sailors like both.

Overall, we’re having a great time and I admit rum doesn’t taste anything like I imagined it would and I wouldn’t call it ‘great’ but it’s pretty good. With the huge world-threatening potential disaster alleviated, spirits are relatively high... and just about everywhere else. I may be wrong here, but it seems like ev- evevevryone is totally drunk off their asses and I’m left the only sane man.

...who put that mast in front of where I was walking? Why’s the floor standing upright?

I think I’m not drunk anymore... Okay so the floor is wobbly but I’m on a boat, that’s a given. It just seems a bit more wobbly for me than everyone else onboard. I walk up to Myrna who’s been drinking as long as I have but she’s not drunk somehow.

“Hey... hey I didn’t do anything stupid did I?”

“Define ‘stupid’, Anthony.” Myrna smirks at me.

“Moreso than my intentional idiocy.”

“Well... you put the moves on the main mast, but other than that, no. Also, does your face hurt? Because you’ve got a bit of a split lip from the ‘kiss’ you gave it.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. Anyway uh... I wanted to talk to you. Scheri-” I shake my head. “Serious talk.”

Myrna shifts in place, putting her torso closer and clearing up part of her snake body. “Alright, sit and talk, then.”

I sit down and lean on her a bit. For balance. “Do you think you’re... losing?”

“Losing? Losing what?”

“The little competition with Anne. Over me. Do you think I spend more time with Anne than you? That I... like her more? Be honest.”

“Uh... you don’t really hang out with either of us. And I have my work, Anne is kinda shy all the time... I don’t think it’s much of a contest.”

“Yeah but... I’ve been kinda... short with you. I got to thinking that maybe you might take that as a sign that I don’t... y’know... like you like you.”

“Well... again, we don’t hang out a lot. You’re almost always doing some kind of adventure, or lazing around doing almost literally nothing. I mean, it’s like what I imagine TV characters do between episodes. The main characters go and do stuff, everyone else has their life go on... and let’s be honest here, just judging by the amount of stuff you get up to, you’re at least a foreground character. I’m pretty sure I’m in the background most of the time. I just don’t have the time to be interesting and... you only seem to go where things are interesting.” Myrna takes a deep breath. “Wow... I think I got a little off-topic.”

“Not too far. I get what you mean... you’re interesting to me.” It may be because I’m a bit tipsy, but right now, the fact that she has a mouth full of fangs doesn’t seem so important. A few moments later I’ve got one arm around her... eh... ‘waist’ and I’m practically sucking her lips off her face.

A few moments into it, and I feel her pull away. “Anthony, how much did you drink?” I hear her spit. “Your mouth tastes like cough syrup!”

“I’m sorry... I don’t have to kiss you but I can still... apologize, right?”

“It’s alright, Anthony. I do like you, but we just don’t get much time together. Life, y’know?”

“I’d like to spend more time with you... can I start now?” I put my other arm around her shoulders and sort of pull her on top of me, now laying down on her coils rather than sitting. “Please?”

“Heh, alright. But no wandering hands, ‘kay? I’ve got my honor to consider.” She says with a smile, leaning towards me.

“I’ll let my hands wander, but you tell me if you don’t like where they’re going. How’s that?”

Myrna smiles, and opens her mouth, but a metallic screech shakes us both. I cover my ears and try to stop the lingering ringing. With my head being a bit foggy still, that sound was really magnified. Or perhaps dulled. I fear my sober reaction if it’s the latter.

“The heck was tha’?” even my own voice sounds kinda ringy, but it clears up quickly and I can hear again.

“Wha- what are you two doing down here?!” I look up to see Anne, looking utterly devastated, in the doorway to the hold, more than half her normally human body shining bronze.

“Uh... well I was working on getting my fingers in Myrna’s hair, kinda wonder what would happen if the snakes got pettings...”

“That- that’s not what I heard you say,” Anne says.

“Okay, so my other hand was going to see how far down her ‘tail’ it could go before being torn off but-”

“You- you cad! I thought you cared!” Anne says, turning to leave.

“Wha- you agreed to this little competition! If you wanted some more y’know... intimate time with me, you just had to ask! The competition isn’t-”

“You think this is about sex? Is that all you care about; why you just jumped in bed with her? Because she’s easy?”

“Hey!” Myrna shouts, beginning to draw up, causing me to fall to the deck in the process.

“No, it’s because she’s willing. If you-”

“You just decided to jump the gun and wrap him in your slutty coils? Drag him away just so you could ‘win’?” Anne shouts, metallic edge in her voice making my ears ring again.

“Wait, what... no, you got this-”

“Maybe if you had made some moves, rather than just hiding in the forest, you’d have gotten somewhere, too! I’ve gotten a job, not just a damned hobby!” Myrna screams back, sliding across the planks towards Anne, who is now fully bronzed. One of the barrels of ballast tips over, revealing a series of stones, which powderize and begin to coat Myrna’s already formidable claws.

“Okay, stop, this isn’t-”

I’m cut off again as Anne screeches like a hawk. “I was trying to be a good person, not just a harlot throwing myself at him ‘cuz he’s the last man alive!”

“I thought I made it clear I hate the harlot-type already...” again, ignored.

“Yeah, but if you’d even tried, you might’ve gotten somewhere! Instead, you just sit and hide!”

Okay, that’s a fair point. She’s pretty much a wallflower.

“I’m shy, if you hadn’t noticed! It’s hard for me to express a- and emote and all those other e-words!” Anne says, wings straight as razor blades and twice as sharp as she takes a step towards Myrna, clearing the door but leaving twin cuts on either side.

“Okay, this is going too far, stop it! Do you remember the rules?”

In tandem, Anne shouts ‘stay out of this!’ as Myrna yells ‘shut up!’ at me.

I sigh. I’m gonna have to smack some sense into their heads. Unfortunately, it can only be done the hard way at this point. I stand up between them and hold my hands out to separate them, palms flaming as I push them both back, probably leaving some rather noticeable burn marks given the intentional amount of temperature I was giving off.

A metallic shriek and a hiss like the world’s biggest tire deflating greet my ears in response, and I feel a solid something impact my torso hard enough to knock the wind out of me and toss me off my feet.

“Don’t make me stop you the permanent way, girls. Or we’ll all regret it. I’m fairly certain none of you have ‘limb regrowth’.” I draw my sword to emphasize the point. Looking at the two of them, I see them sitting off to either side, both clutching their chests and expressions of pain on their faces. Myrna’s hand covers her burn, but I can see the slightly-warped handprint on Anne’s collar. “Are you going to get back to tearing each other’s throats out or whatever you were planning on doing?” Silence. “Good.”

I go up, request some water from the cook and get a bucket of water straight from the ocean. Salty, but colder than a shaved cat in the arctic. Two wet cloths gently applied to their burned areas and the girls are... well they don’t look better but they aren’t as bad. Both are definitely going to scar though.

“Can we please talk this out? Like civilized people? Anne, what’s gotten into you? You act like... Idunno, you act like you’ve already ‘got’ me and that now I’m cheating!”

“Y- you said you’d talk to us before you made any decision. To both of us. B-but then, you kissed me, a- and then you’re in here, but you never talk to me, you never come to visit...” Anne sniffles.

“I never said anything because I still hadn’t decided. A simple kiss and a potential fuck here or there isn’t going to make me just decide right then. I mean, okay yeah, my hormones are driving me fucking insane and get really hard to ignore and I gotta put a lid on that, but... the point I thought I made was that you two were supposed to make the advances. I can’t make a fair judge otherwise unless I give both of you exactly what I give to one. I don’t come and see you two that often because, well... when I’m not busy, I could go and see you but... I don’t because I figured this might happen. One of you thinking I’d ‘chosen’ behind their backs and it ends up with a fight. I explicitly said during the rules. If one of you hurts the other, you both lose and I find someone else.”

“You were gonna screw her, though!”

Myrna looks upset. “What? No he wasn’t, second base at best. I’m not a slut, Anne.”

“I honestly, as I’ve said three times now, didn’t expect to get laid during this trip. Did that just go in one ear and out the other? If Myrna really was that easy, just get us both tipsy and she metaphorically spreads her legs? Who the hell wants a girlfriend like that!?”

Anne and Myrna both look at me like I’ve grown a second head.

“Oh am I supposed to be a ‘guy’ and not want a romantic relationship, just some chick to wrap my dick around? Sorry to disappoint. Guess you’ve accidentally been fighting over a guy who’d rather, Idunno, go see a movie than sit at home and fuck.”

Myrna pauses for a moment. “Ah, you do realize that puts you well outside the ‘norm’, and you’ve never really said one way or another about that? At least when being serious.”

“Myrna, I have more than enough mental disorders for the media to consider me a thoughtless vegetable. I’m not normal! I mean... okay yeah, I could really use some release, but that’s all hormonal! I want a girlfriend who’s more than just a ‘girl’ but also a ‘friend’. A girlfriend. If we end up lovers later who’s to know, depends on what happens. I’ve just dealt with enough relationships going sour to make it a rule that unless there’s honest caring love there, I’m just gonna get used again!”

“Anthony, you may say you’re completely abnormal, but like every other guy I’ve met, you don’t talk about yourself. At least, not with me.” Myrna points out, Anne nodding in agreement.

“There isn’t much to tell though. Before coming here I was just a guy, just a kid. Yeah I was ‘different’ ‘cause I have stuff like autism and some crap happened in my childhood, but pretty much everyone has a story about the ‘things that fucked them up’. Talking about major events in my life doesn’t change them so I don’t bring them up unless asked. I’m not gonna just cry on your shoulders about how my mommy never loved me.” I pause. “Which is totally false, my mother loved me a lot and I loved her just as much, I only had family problems that considered my sister.”

“Well, that’s more about your past in two minutes than I’d heard in the year and a half since you met me.” Myrna says, crossing her arms under her breasts.

“As I said, everyone has their story. I don’t see the need to talk about it because I really don’t see many times when it would just... fit. I mean, as I’ve said, romance was a big problem. You know why I try and push Rarity into dating Spike even though I say it’s her choice? Because I’ve been Spike. I know what it’s like to be in love and not sure if the girl even gives a shit about me and is just being nice to get stuff. Flash fact: she was! Rarity doesn’t act like Kelly did, so I’m pushing them together because I want to see what would have happened if I wasn’t duped! So now do I sit down and talk about all the other times life shat on me?”

Myrna and Anne look at each other, and Anne sighs. “No, not right now. We all need some time to... calm down a bit. We’ll get together after the voyage, and try to... figure things out. Alright?” Anne looks at me pleadingly.

“Yeah, just remember that this contest isn’t about who gets in bed with me first. And to be fair, Anne. I’ve already made out with you on pony-Valentine’s day. Comparatively, I’ve given Myrna squat.”

“Anthony, we’re... not really competing like that.” Myrna says. “I’m not sure about Anne, but I thought you were joking, for the most part.” She pauses for a moment. “Wait, you made out with her on valentines day?”

“Okay, maybe ‘competition’ is the wrong word but I can’t think of a better one. The point is, you both deserve a chance because I like you both, but I want it to be fair, I don’t want the ‘loser’ to be feeling like she got the short stick. I’ve never done this before but it seems like the only fair way.”

“Well, that’s not how dating really works.” Myrna sighs. “Listen, I’ll be honest; you’re not really going to have as much to do with us deciding who’s going to try dating you. Especially because, well... as I said earlier, you’re just not around that often. And, as clingy as I tend to be, pretty much every time you show up around me, you’re the one getting grabby first.”

“Yeah... can’t help it. ‘S what started most of my relationship issues, but... Can’t help it, I like things like cuddling and talking and all that ‘not-manly’ stuff. Guess it’s true that most girls would rather have a wrestler than a teddy bear.”

Myrna makes a noncommittal noise. “Eh, I would like someone who can, uh, match me physically. But at the same time, I like being able to talk to you.”

Anne speaks up as well. “I don’t mind the ‘not manly’ stuff. It’s nice.”

I sit down and a thought runs through my head and I laugh out loud, rather amused by the thought, now more apparent than it ever was before. “I’m the gay best friend who’s secretly-not-secretly straight.”

Both of the girls giggle a little, but both look and sound a little worn out.

“Alright... we can clear the air on this in the morning, I’m going to bed.” I move over to the little bed in the corner made for me and lay down, but not feeling sleepy, just tired.

“Yeah... I think I’m going to sleep a little, too.” Myrna says, and I’m guessing that Anne agrees, too, as the door to the hold closes. Sleep time.

Chapter 212

It’s been a few days on board and we should be getting close to Manehattan, but there’s no sign of the docks yet. I lean over the edge of the deck just sort of watching the water go by. Alex is still swimming along, having crossed a fourth of an ocean all by herself for weeks on end and no sleep. She’s not motorboating along like she was at the beginning but she’s still going pretty fast. Kid’s got stamina, I’ll give her that much. That said, it’s unclear as to what I should do with her when we get back. Ponyville is already a danger-zone by nature, and if we wanted to train her it should be in a safer more controlled environment. But then, she’d need trainers, someone who understands weird powers and how to learn to control them.

That leaves two options, and they’re too far apart to choose both. Not to mention learning lessons from both at the same time might leave her with crossed wires and she seems messed up enough as it is. I was right about one thing though, Myrna and Anne haven’t healed. They both look like I hit them with a hand-shaped branding iron. They’re gonna be stuck like that until the day they die and their skin deteriorates unless we can finagle a miracle cure. But since pony medicine isn’t even close to human medicine in terms of... everything... Well, at least they’re using it as a reminder that fighting between themselves isn’t going to help anyone. At least that’s what I hope. Neither of them act like the scars are even there, though they can’t really be seen as long as they have shirts on.

I just want all of us to be happy but it just seems so difficult. Though I guess this kind of proves that the pony solution of polygamy won’t work with them, if they end up coming to blows over me. I really do need to get laid though. But who? I’m definitely not gonna use Myrna or Anne for that, not after last week. Alex? Uh, no. I don’t want to go messing around with a chick who, even if it’s only one-sixteenth or whatever amount it is... bottom line: she’s female and part mantis, I’m not gonna literally risk my life for a quick fuck. Rather get blue balls. Heck, rather lose my ‘other’ head than get eaten alive.

Okay she doesn’t seem like she’d do that but I’m not risking it, especially since we literally just met and haven’t spoken in fourteen days. I hate you sex drive, I hate you so much...

Solution to my ‘problem’ or not though, I do need to talk to Alex, get some more info out of her. If human recruiting is going to be a regular thing, I’d want a census of some kind set up so we can keep track of everyone. They aren’t all going to Ponyville after all, and we’re gonna need some kind of... Idunno, “name, powers, etc.” file on them. But who should I bring Alex to in the first place? On one hand she’d be with someone who understands exactly where she came from and how to cope. On the other hand, she’d be getting more education about this place and such.

Kinship or fitting in? I know which one I’d pick in a heartbeat. Her though... Who knows what she’s like in her head? Guess all we can do is talk to her when we get to Manehattan. Which doesn’t seem far off right now as a call is made that we should hit port in another fifteen hours.

...I’ve always wondered if my speed would let me run on water. At my max speed I’d definitely be moving too fast for the water tension to be broken under my feet, but going at my max speed is pretty hazardous to my health. I guess the question is more like: Can I run on water safely.

Probably not.

Fourteen and a half hours later, everyone on board is prepping the boat for docking and generally doing whatever their job is. For me, that just means ‘wait for stuff to happen’. Alex is still gunning like she’s going for a gold medal down there, pretty damn impressive. I’d imagine someone of her size would be hard to propel through water for long.

When we finally reach land and everyone has vacated the ship, Alex follows us to the train station, the pegasi opting to fly back to Ponyville.

“But before we all head to Ponyville, I want to make sure that’s where all of us are going. Alex, this is up to you to decide who you want to be your mentor-slash-guardian. Celestia, who runs Equestria and is considered god-like to half the local populace... Or Clark, a human refugee like you who has, well he’s getting better and he’s the man with the plans so to speak, so he’d probably know where to start with you. So who’s it gonna be? Clark lives in Ponyville with me, Celestia is in Canterlot, the capital of the... nation... country... I actually have no idea what Equestria is, but it’s big and Celly owns it. Anyway, back to the question of who you want to be your tutor for... integration to your new life.”

“Well... I have a few questions, if that’s alright.” asks the multi-ton being who can apparently roast ghostflesh with her breath and travel several thousand miles almost nonstop.

“Fire away. Actually, hold on...” I look around Manehattan’s immediate surroundings and look for a few restaurants. “We also want current diet squared away ‘cause you’re kinda... yeah.” I notice a restaurant with a vaguely German name implying it’s a griffon restaurant. Guess ‘land-mammal meat’ will be the first thing to try.

“Oh, uhm... well, I used to eat just about anything. And these... mandibles I think they’re called? They let me chew up just about anything. I can’t really taste much anymore, but given what I’ve had to eat so far, that’s probably for the best.”

I shrug. “Eh, I don’t even need to eat but I do it anyway. First reason: Bacon exists. Though a lot of ponies are... anti-meat. Herbivorous nature and all that. Celestia could probably tell you more about that but she also might try getting you to act like a pony. Well, maybe. If she’s realized her efforts with me do jack shit she might’ve given up on the idea. But who knows what a multi-thousand year old horse god thinks? Come on, let’s get some food, I’ll buy.”

“Oh, uhm, thank you. I- I’ll need to think about this.” she looks at the relatively low doorway. “Tell me about Celestia. I’d rather know what I’m doing than stumble around blindly.”

“To be fair, it’s not guaranteed that Celly’s gonna be totally straight with you. Her sister told me that she thinks she doesn’t know how to anymore. And if you ask me, she’s kind of a bitch, but that’s personal. Publicly... she’s a god. Like, seriously. Immortal and controls the sun. I don’t buy it, but every one of the ponies do. I’ve debunked that it’s only something she can do but... anyway I’m just kind of dumping my anger at her on ya. Uh...” I think for a moment as I walk into the restaurant, the light note of cooking meat in the air telling me I am in the right place. “Hmmmmm... Celestia herself... as a person... kinda hard to nail down.”

“Uh, Anthony, I don’t think I’ll fit in there.” Alex says, leaning down until her head is lined up with her hipline. She’s still barely peeking in through the top of the doorway.

“Okay, yeah ponies are friggin’ tiny, getting around is problematic even for me, uh... Eh, I’ll borrow a menu for ya and we’ll order your choice in a ‘to go’ box. That fine?”

“Uh... alright, I guess.” Probably having heard the conversation, an Earth pony in typical waiter attire, at least for a casual restaurant, brings us some menus at the door rather than waiting for us to take a seat. I pass Alex the relative-to-her napkin-sized menu. “You uh, can still read that, right?”

“Of course; it’s in english.”

“I meant the tiny text and... okay. Just make your order and we’ll bring it out to you. Better that than try and squeezing you in here. Most pony buildings are fairly big on the inside but their doorways are a pain in the forehead.”

“Heh.” Alex shuffles back. “I’ll sit, uh, in this alley a bit. I’ll just wait for the food. Get... uhm, how much money do you have? Because I’m really hungry, and literally everything on this menu I know the meaning of the name for looks good.”

“Well, not sure how well silver and generic gold coins go for, but they should work well enough since pony economy uses gold coins as currency. I’m just using whatever’s left from the allowance we got for the journey to find you.”

“You... get allowance?”

“Nah, it was just funding for the trip. Like paying for staying at the docks or any shops we might need to buy from. I want money on any regular day, I hafta get a job like anyone else. Though a bit of ‘hero’s income’ would be nice every month or so.”

“Huh. Anyways, you order, I’ll wait. Oooh, and get something with mushrooms in it!”

“Alright.” Considering it seems to be just me and Alex, Myrna and Anne must have got on the train and wanted to head home. Eh, less people I have to pay for. Looking over my menu I find a relatively cheap pork-based dish so I go with that, and some sautéed mushrooms... well, three of them given Alex’s size.

Luckily silver seems to work just fine and go pretty far. I’m just shocked that this economy will take money that isn’t Bits... but then again, pony economics don’t seem that close to human economy anyway.

So when I’ve placed the order and the food arrives, rather quickly as today isn’t really that busy a day for them. Figuring we wouldn’t want to block the doorway, we take our food to eat it outside on the curb. Manehattan, just by looking around, is much closer to ‘home’ than Ponyville by a long shot. Alex, however, looks down at her large piece of pork and mushrooms.

“Is that all you could afford?” Alex asks. Looking at the food in her hands, I can see why she sounds disappointed. Her left hand alone easily envelops the plate entirely.

“Considering I don’t need to eat... ever and don’t plan on needing to buy food much, yeah. Also, we’re gonna need to buy us a way to wherever we’re taking you, don’t we? Manehattan isn’t exactly a stone’s throw from Ponyville or Canterlot. So there’s getting you fed and to a place where you can stay until we find a stable place for you.”

“Ah... alright.” She lifts the food and proceeds to eat it in two bites, shifting a little in place. Her two foremost canid legs cross like a dog laying down.

“So this is the part where we either talk about you and what you know about your new self. Or we talk about your choices for your... caretakers. Okay, overwatchers is more like it but you get my point.”

“Oh, right. So, about Clark, then? Since you talked a little about Celestia, already.”

“Clark.” I swallow my food before continuing. “Is my best pal and he’s come back from Earth. He knows exactly what you dealt with before coming here... for the most part. He knows a ton more than Celestia in that regard, and being human he knows what you might need to feel normal. Celestia would probably rather you fit in than feel normal. But Clark’s plans for any humans we can recruit...” I sigh. “Bottom line: Humans are coming here with superpowers and the demons are following us. The only option we and the races of this planet has is gathering as many refugees, training them to use their powers, learn control, and fight the demons. Clark and I would give you training and help you understand your abilities, but we’ll expect you to fight at least once. Our situation is no joke and... we need help. And since you showed a certain skill earlier, you’ve got an ability Clark and I, our two heaviest hitters, can’t copy.”

“Uh... which is the firebreath?”

“What do you mean? I can coat myself in fire, Clark can kinda throw it, none of us breathe it and what you showed clearly had nothing to do with fire or heat in general for that matter. it seemed more energy based, like a gaseous Chi move.”

“... A what now?”

“Spiritual energy. As opposed to being something solid like water, fire, or rock it’s more ethereal. You managed to hurt what amounts to a ghost with it. Hurt it bad. At least one of your powers, that glow in your chest right now, is a spirit attack. Not magic, not tech, ethereal. Does that make sense?”

“So... I have ghost breath?” She pauses for a moment. “Like Danny Phantom?”

“Ghost killer breath. Not in the form of concussive force Danny uses. More like an attack that literally, for lack of a better term, burns someone’s soul or spirit directly. You wouldn’t hurt them physically as the attack isn’t on a physical plane, but that also means things like normal metal armor wouldn’t stop it, someone would have to have specific wards set up in advance in order to be immune to your ‘soul burn’ breath.” I take another bite. “So what else do you know you can do? I assume you get plenty of skills due to your chimeric form. Clearly you’re a formidable swimmer with extreme stamina. Means you’d be our ‘go to girl’ for any underwater fights for sure.”

“Oh... okay. So... where would you recommend for me to go?”

“Well... in the long run it would probably be best to see Celestia, honestly. She’s immortal and has the smarts to prove it. She’s just not totally... down to earth so to speak. If you wanted to go with Clark, you’d probably end up being trained for war, yeah, but he and I also have personal experience with being a human with sudden powers in a messed up land so we might be able to help you cope, rather than fit in. I’d suggest Clark out of personal preference, but if you choose Celestia that’s fine... just don’t expect her to be as perfect as literally every single pony around claims.”

“Alright. Well... let me think. Clark sounds rather... harsh. Celestia sounds manipulative, though. Idunno.”

“Yeah... but hey, at least you get to make your choice. And you could always change it later I suppose. But don’t wait too long, once the side you picked starts having plans for you, you ditching in the middle of it isn’t going to make either of them happy. They like to know what variables are controlled or not. They’re both master gameplayers and they’ll find a niche for you damn quick, but you also gotta be flexible enough to fit in that niche however you can when the time comes. Get it? They aren’t on opposite sides of the war, but how they want the war to go... differs greatly.”

“Uh... what if I don’t wanna go to war? I’m fine just burning zombies and stuff.”

“Well, it’s not quite war as you imagine it. It’s more like... well, demons are randomly dropping in just like you are. Humans are as well. The demons want to fuck this place up just like Earth, and we’re trying to stop them. It’s less of ‘two forces charging each other on a battlefield’ and more like a game of Whack-A-Mole on steroids with a lot of lives on the line.”

“Oh. So... I’d be a superhero.”

“Yep. Or Anti-hero if you prefer that line of thinking. I’m no hero if you ask me, all I do is punch the bad guys in the face until they blow up into meaty chunks. Ponies call me a hero for it... I call it justifiable extreme violence.”

“So... I’d be a Marvel superhero.”

“Yeah, but this isn’t comics either. This time, heroes can die and no magic power is gonna bring them back. This is real life, and in real life, all deaths are final. That’s why we want to train you to use your powers. So you know what you’ll be doing out there so you can save people and live to enjoy your victory party.”

“Okay. Then I’ll go train with Clark. If he’ll make me a superhero... well, I don’t have the powers I wanted, but...”

“Hey, the powers are all rolled by dice, what you get is random. That’s why you gotta learn how to make the powers you got the ones you wanted. It’s not gonna be easy, but we’re going to make sure you’re comfortable with all this as well. I’d rather have a cool, collected idiot on my team than a spastic, unsettled veteran.”

“I can understand that. So, you wanna head out? I think I’ve scared everybody away.”

Sure enough, a quick glance in either direction shows that the once-busy street is deserted for at least two blocks in every direction.

“They’ll get used to you, trust me. Just don’t wander outside of Equestrian borders like that. This place is pretty friendly but skittish. I left Equestria for a few weeks and ended up getting bricks thrown at me. You’ll be fine Alex, Clark and I will make sure you’re happy, not just a winner. At least we’ll do our best.”

“Well, alright. Let’s skip the thrown bricks part, though.” she begins standing up, pausing once she’s fully... uh, upright. “So... is everybody a baby horse here?”

Chapter 213

The train ride had quite a bit of trouble with accommodations. I myself am considered slightly too big to be on a train here. Alex... would be literally impossible to fit without something breaking on the train or on her. With a bit of quick... retrofitting, I’ve managed to clear out the coal cart and she can... stand in it. Too wide to sit in the relatively puny compartment... but at least it lacks walls and a ceiling.

I figured I’d take the caboose so she wouldn’t be practically alone on the trip. And I thought ponies gave me weird looks. Alex is like a total pariah right now. “You holding up... er, holding on okay there, Alex?”

“Yeah. It’s a little cold... which is weird, ‘cuz the sea didn’t feel cold, and the ocean’s pretty cold, right?”

“Totally freezing. But then, you are aquatic and wet all over. You’re probably fine with water temperature, and now that you’ve got wind rushing past you at a hundred miles per hour, you’re cold from being soaked.”

“I don’t feel very wet...”

“Yeah well... you know that’s an interesting question. If a fish was smart enough to contemplate it, does he see himself as wet, or normal the way we equate dry as normal... or does he still consider his... sorry, shutting up now.”

“Actually, I’m feeling a little dried out. Like, y’know, dehydrated?” she pauses for a moment, her bug-like mandibles working on air, “I’m really thirsty now.”

“Okay, seems you prefer wetter climates. You seemed fine in the swamp, but now that you’re on regular old country roads you’re drying out... Is it an emergency, or do you think you could last another twenty minutes? I know a lake in Ponyville you could dip in if you can make it that long.”

“I’ll be fine, I’m just got really thirsty when I thought about the word ‘dehydrated’. Y’know, like when you talk about an itchy nose, and then your nose itches?” Alex says, idly scratching her nose. My own nose begins to itch, but I’m too lazy to move my arms. Luckily I have a solution to both problems. I had to put all the coal in the coal car somewhere so I opted for that little compression trick. So now I have a floating black marble scratching my nose for me. Truly I am a warrior to be feared.

The train ride is uneventful and looking at Alex she doesn’t really look like she’s dried out, but we do get to Ponyville before issues arise. “So... welcome to Ponyville. You’ll fit in okay, but that’s mainly because we’re all a little... quirky around here.”

As if on cue, Pinkie A pops out of literally nowhere and greets us in her normal, very-excited way.

“Yay! You’re back you’re back you’re back, you were gone forever! Omygosh the town is, like, twice as boring when you’re not around! Who’s this? Is she nice? How’d you meet her? What’s her name? Wh-” I cut off Pinkie’s excited babble but one thing does kind of stick out for me. Usually Pinkie would just be asking Alex this... but she seems like she’d rather get the answers from me... kind of odd... oh well.

“Pinkie, this is Alex. She’s the human we went to find. She’s going to be staying here with us until we find a better place for her and she’s gotten more comfortable. Everything’s a bit new around here for her and all. Anyway, we should probably convince all the ponies that she isn’t going to eat them.” I think for a minute. “I know you guys are technically prey animals, but why do you guys always jump to the conclusion that a big creepy thing is going to eat you the first chance it gets?”

“Idunno. I think it’s just ‘cuz it’s so much fun running and screaming!”

“Yeah, point there. Anyway I figure there’s nobody better to give Alex a tour of the town. Don’t want her feeling like this place is a huge mystery maze.”

“Okie dokie lokie! Let’s go!” With Pinkie’s energy and... eagerness, we get to pretty much all the notable landmarks in town, though I suggest the lake first for Alex’s sake. “And the last, and best place, you need to know is Sugarcube Corner! It’s good for parties, and cake, and party cakes, and balloons, and party balloons, and-”

“She gets the idea, Pinkie. Let’s go get her situated. We need to find a place for her to stay and all.”

“Right-o, Anthony! Ooh, she could stay at- well, she might be a little big for that... she could go to-! Er, no, same problem. She could... uh...” Pinkie sits back on her haunches, looking a little worried. “Where could she stay, Anthony? She’s as big as a house!” Pinkie waves at Alex, who is leaning down a little to look at a single-story-tall house’s roof.

“No idea, but this is why the ‘superhero’ plan wasn’t a good choice. Where are they all gonna stay? There needs to be a place for everyone to be safe and such. The only place that comes to mind is the Everfree, but we wouldn’t want her getting lost.” I pause to think for a bit. “Y’know what? Let’s go see Clark. As I said, he’s the man with the plan. Give him a few minutes and he’ll come up with a temporary solution.”

“Why not have her stay in the Everfree? Just, like, on the edge. The forest isn’t so dangerous here, and she’s bigger than pretty much anything other than the dragon somewhere in there.” Clark says, standing inside Fluttershy’s cottage. He hasn’t come out, and he’s dripping wet, probably from a shower or bath. At least he has a towel around his waist.

“Yeah, but... well as long as she doesn’t wander too much she should be fine until she gets used to the place. The next thing on our tasklist would be getting all her known powers written down and such. But that can wait a bit. Alex, you think you could sleep in a forest for a few nights?”

Alex’s mantis-arms twitch a bit. “Well... It looks like the only place possible. I don’t really have much of a choice do I?” Oddly, she doesn’t seem too perturbed by this thought, in spite of her tone.

“Well the other option is sleeping outside in town like I did, but given your reception, I’d say you should probably avoid sleeping next to the schoolhouse.”

“So forest it is then.” Alex shrugs.

“Yeah... It’s not that far, you can see the edge right over there. I’m tired and I’m gonna relax for a bit. I’ll be at the library.”

...whose interior has about a centimeter of dust on everything... And the smell gives revived meaning to the phrase ‘musty old books’. Guess Spike not being around really does end up with the place practically shutting down. And it’s so quiet... and boring... Oh screw it...

I head to Sugarcube Corner and sit down, the other two Pinkies expressing their very excited and loud delight at my return.

“So I’m bored and need something to do. Any ideas?”

“Go to the spa?”

That actually sounds really nice, but... “Eh, maybe tomorrow. I feel like doing something.”

“Oooh, we still have that game of Ogres and Oubliettes on hold!” Pinkie α says, “I’m pretty sure everypony else should be able to play in a few minutes, though I haven’t seen Clark much so I don’t know about him or Fluttershy. They don’t seem to leave her house much.”

The other Pinkie gasps. “Maybe they turned back into vampires!?”

I facepalm. “Clark never was a vampire, and he seemed pretty normal when I saw him.”

“Are you sure?”

“If I wasn’t, he’d have a stake through his heart... and stomach, and face, and both arms and knees right now. Anyway, moving on, sure that sounds good to me.”

“Yay! Okay... uh... I think Applejack said she’d be available for whatever at about three. Or was that Rarity?”

“Wait... Spike’s not here, what about him?”

I shrug. “We can come up with an in-story excuse. He can just get caught up with us, I doubt he’d mind that much.”

“Welllllllll okay... so it should still be about... thirty minutes until everypony’s ready for absolute sure.”

I sigh. “So how are we going to spend the time?” The Pinkies get quiet, which is odd “I’ll just... eh, I’ll think of something.”

Finally, everyone -minus Spike of course- is here and done with their daily work. Pinkie gets all our character sheets and the dice and everything else from her usual place, thin air. The less I question it, the less my head will hurt.

“Alright, so we’re all ready. Let’s git this show on th’ road!”

“Indeed. This is a lot more interesting than the last time I tried.”

I shrug. “Homebrew is always best when you have a good GM. So we’ll have an excuse for Spike not being here and not playing his character.”

“I really hope Twilight gets better...”

“Well that killed the mood... ‘Shy’s right though, we did kinda just leave her there...”

I sigh again. “I know, I know, but this game is long overdue so let’s get this thing going and we can worry about Twi later.”

Everyone agrees, and we all get set up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Alright, so you begin packing up the camp. You have time to discuss while doing so, such as about the upcoming adventure.

“So, exactly why would a group of muscle-headed bandits want you Dame? I mean, there’s the obvious ‘ransom money’ deal but they looked like they wanted to kill you, and I can tell you right now that damaged goods don’t sell too well.” I lean against the tree, still sitting in the shade of my spot where I single-handedly took down a giant minotaur with a leaf and some wooden needles.

“I can only assume they were sent by... the Count.”

... Rarity, why am I hearing about this now? You’re supposed to tell the GM this kind of information. Gah... I can work with this. Continue.

“The Count ruled the land I came from, and my father is a vassal. But the Count wishes to marry me, though I don’t love him!” Dame Benign swoons, a hoof to her forehead.

“So marry him, get his money, and stab him in the face until he dies when nobody’s looking. Free money.” I offer.

Dame Benign looks disgusted at the offer. “A lady like myself would never stoop to such a level!”

“But you’d pull a specially-crafted sword on a group of bandits who want to bash your skull in. By the way, if he’s a count, why hire bandits? If he’s important enough to have an arranged marriage with someone like you, he’d at least have the gold to hire trained mercenaries.”

“Well, I assume he thought I would just be another pretty face, with no combat training. ‘Tis too common for young noblemares to ignore the finer points of combat.”

“Yeah, sure. Anyway, let’s go get that treasure and hope he doesn’t send more lackeys after you.” I wave the group forward a I continue along the path to where the map, supposedly, points to.

You all set out, your camp packed up. Barely two minutes in, however, Sir Spike requests a momentary time out to use the bushes. Sounds like an ooze being pulled at high velocity through a reed-pipe get your attention, followed by shouts about burning and terrible pain.

“I say we leave him. Anyone who disagrees will be given a pair of amethysts each to shut up and agree with me anyways.” I comment, moving along. “If he can’t figure out what should and shouldn’t be eaten, that’s his problem.”

“Unless he’s being eaten!” Pinkasel cries out, lute at the ready.

I thought it was a banjo.

Pinkasel pulls out her lute, guitar, drums set, banjo, and harp, just to show the GM. And thus did the bard go off the deep end.

I roll my eyes. “If you want to deal with him, fine. I’m following the map... as far as I can tell at least.”

Sir Spike stumbles from the bushes, looking extremely discomforted, and rather green in the face. “I- I don’t think I’m well.” he states.

“Neither do I.” I reply. “Go back to town and catch up when you aren’t going to explode.”

“No way is he heading off all alone! We’ll just have to keep an eye on him, and hope he gets better before we get to the stronghold.”

“Ah think it was a castle.”

“No, it wasn’t, it’s a-”

“We have no idea what it is, the map is awful, but it’s the best lead we got. Whatever it is, there’s something worth having there, and that means I can probably get some good coin for it. Now are we going or not?”

The group grumbles, but accedes. Gildenmane and Dash continue to argue over whether it’s a stronghold or a castle.

Makers forbid it’s neither, the way they are going at it. So the way is rather uneventful. It seems like the bandits coming out of nowhere is the only surprise for us. I scan the way ahead of us for anything that might look out of place. “Gee, it sure seems like nothing is going to attack us...”

Okay, that didn’t work, we’re in the clear. We keep walking on, nothing more than birdsong and a gentle breeze following us.

And keep walking. It’s almost a day away, but I can’t help but feel like we’re being watched.

Nope, that doesn’t prompt an attack either.

“Well, at least this will be easy.” Still nothing. Maybe I can try the ultimate way to trigger an encounter. The team being distracted. “So Benign... if that’s all the Count is willing to throw at you, you think he doesn’t wanna marry you anymore? Not worth the trouble?”

“Oh, I doubt that was all he’ll send. There’ll likely be more powerful foes down the road, metaphorically speaking.” Dame Benign takes a moment. “Oh, and please use my title. I am a full Dame, after all.”

“Metaphorical is right. This road is emptier than a leper’s head. So Dame, what do you think he’ll send? Maybe next time it’ll be a kitten. Would certainly be harder to take out.”

“Ooh! I love kittens!” Gandaliel says, shoving herself between the Dame and I. “Oh, sorry, what were you two talking about?”

I shrug. “The fact that apparently our resident noble isn’t worth more than the price of a few muscle-brained bandits. I mean they made a decent pit trap, but really? Turning your back on me? How stupid can you get?”

“Likely, they saw you as nothing more than a fellow common brigand.” Dame Benign says. “Thankfully, you’re our uncommon brigand.”

“I’ll have you know that the art of stealth and assassination is not something any standard bandit could accomplish. Subterfuge is refused for the tactic of bludgeoning. That’s what makes me different. I’m a thief. If you lose something, you wouldn’t know it was gone until I was halfway across the kingdom. Bandits would rather smack you until you can’t stand. Hardly subtle. No skill, no art, no tact.”

“Eh, I ain’t seein’ a difference.” Dash comments. “Anyways, what’s taking us so long? We’re just walkin’ and walkin’... ugh.”

“To fix both of your comments, want to try taking me on? I assure you I’d split your belly like an old woman’s purse before you drew your blade.”

“Pfft, nah. We’re in a group, and groups don’t fight.” Dash says, dismissively.

“Haven’t seen many ‘groups’ of lowlives then, apparently. So we just keep walking and wait for a landmark to tell us we’re heading the right direction.”

“Well, it looks like the place is at the end of this long road and turn a left and then turn a right and then go up a pointy rock!” Pinkasel says, walking along on her rear hooves as she holds the map open ahead of her. Wait... I had that in my bag.

I swipe the map back. “Give that back... bard.” Okay, I don’t have a very effective insult. Not a big deal. “So yeah. We take a left at the first turn...”

“And then a right and then an up!” Pinkasel says, once more holding the map.

I inhale to respond but deflate. “Just keep it...”

“Onwards!” she shouts gleefully.

The continued walking begins to grind on the party, Gildenmane and Dash beginning to become very heated in their argument. I really want to yell at them, but Gildenmane’s entire body is beginning to crackle with electricity, and so is Dash’s.

“What was that about fighting in a group? I mean if you blow each other up, I’m fine with it as long as you keep it away from me.”

“You got the map, An- Zilferen. It’s a castle, right?” Gildenmane says, more of a command than a question.

“No way, he can clearly see that it’s a-”

“Actually, I have the map!” Pinkasel says.

“Yeah, but I saw the map enough. The ‘pointy bit’ is either a cave or a mountain, so you’re both wrong. Now shut up before someone ends up on fire.”

“Actually, dears, it might be-”

“Can we stop to rest, please? all this arguing is making me tired.” Gandaliel says plaintively.

“Sure.” I sigh and sit down. “At this rate we probably aren’t going to get there today anyways.”

The whole group comes to a halt, settling in a vague ring around our packs, pulling some rations out to eat.

“Hey Dash, you thirsty?” I ask, rather bored.

“Yeah, why?”

“Got something for you. Ever had mead before?” I hand her a different flask, this one marked as mead, but clearly taken out of a separate pouch than my fake ‘ale’ flask.

“Uh...” Dash takes a moment to check her character sheet. “No?”

“Made with honey and grain. Try some.” I pass the flask to her.

She takes a hearty swig of the drink, before gagging. “Argh, it tastes like cough-” she suddenly stops moving, staring into space for a second. Then, she collapses forward, snoring before she hits the ground. The rest of the party looks shocked and horrified.

I look around at the rest of my group. “What? I hadn’t tested it on pegasi before. She’ll wake up in a few hours... probably.” I poke Dash a few times. “Nah, she drank half the stuff, she’s out for three hours right now.”

The group groans. “Now we’ll never get to the castle!” Gildenmane says, exasperated.

“It’s not a castle. And we weren’t exactly making brisk progress anyway. Fine... I’ll wake her up.” I take a reddish, powder out and sprinkle it on Dash’s face then cover her mouth. Her snoring forces her to inhale quite a lot of the powder. “This is dried, ground pepper. Either she’ll wake up, or have trouble breathing, which should wake her up anyway.”

Dash suddenly sits bolt upright, screaming. Her face is red, and the full view of her mouth includes seeing that her entire mouth is inflamed. After almost half a minute of non-stop screaming, her eyes roll back up into her head, and she passes out.

“Okay... didn’t expect that. Still, lesson learned: My sleep-cure dust isn’t a perfect recipe yet.”

“I believe the phrase to use, dear, is ‘No duh’.” Dame Benign says, softly.

“Yeah... but worth a laugh. Anyway, since we weren’t really getting anywhere earlier and we definitely aren’t now... what do we do?”

“Well, we’ve been walking for hours...” Gandaliel says, yawning. “Maybe we should rest again. It wasn’t an eventful day, but I’m okay with that.”

I roll my eyes. “Of course the druid likes it boring. Seriously, this is taking forever. I’d probably be there and out with the treasure by now... Whatever the treasure is.”

“Well, That’s assumin’ ya don’t need any magicin’ done along the way.”

“I don’t see why I would, unless I get hungry and need someone to poof me up a sweetroll... That said, if you’re so good at magic, why’d you rush at that minotaur like you were a barbarian?”

“Uh... cuz ah used Bear Strength afore chargin’?”

“Then he must have been stronger than a bear because all of you got whooped.”

“Ah kinda forgot ah can cast it on others. Ah’ve been a lone adventurer for a long time.”

“Still, what would I really need magic for? I have my gear, my skills, all I have to do is not be seen and I’m in and out in moments. I’m rather good at being seen and then forgotten, too.”

“And iffen’ ya come across a magical trap?”

“Magical in what way? As an archmage you should know that magic isn’t exactly a simply-described thing.”

No, Applejack, you can’t borrow a dictionary just to sound smarter in-character.

“Ah’m more of a home-trained kinda mage, y’see.” Gildenmane says, nodding sagely.

“Wonderful. So what do we do now?”

“Sleep?”

“In the middle of the day?” I sigh. “Fine, nothing better to do.” I get up and carry my stuff to a tree by the roadside, whose shade I use to mask the sun’s glare as I prepare to nap. After a few minutes, I start to drift off into my nap. At least it’s a pleasant day, and this’ll give Dash time to recover.

I wake up to the sound of screaming, and sit up, blinking to clear my vision. Looking around, I expect to see the group having sort of fallen in on itself and everyone doing crazy stuff out of boredom. But taking a look, I see a large, caterpillar-like shape with some kind of tentacles growing from its front end assaulting Dame Benign, whose eyes are wide and staring, but the unicorn noble is completely limp.

I walk up to the creature, being very careful to be as silent as possible. The creature doesn’t turn towards me so it seems I still get the first strike. Now where would I stab it to hit a vital organ?

Taking a chance, I grip my push-dagger and punch it into the creature’s back around where it’s spine would be if it had one. However, the small dagger barely scratches the creature, and it begins to bonelessly twist around towards me.

Thinking quickly, I leap back and climb up the tree I was sleeping under, hoping the higher vantage point would give me time to rethink my tactics. Looking around, I see that my decision to sleep well away from the rest of the group has left me unaffected, but all except Pinkasel are presently limp and unresponsive. The Bard is presently perched in a tree, and was the one who yelled earlier.

I make some hand gestures towards the bard, silently indicating that she should try distracting it somehow.

“What? I don’t speak hands!” she yells. Thankfully, this has the effect of making the caterpillar-centipede thing turn towards her instead of me. This time, I get a good look at its eyestalks. If they’re anything like anything else with eyestalks, that’s a weakpoint.

I take a few moments to aim, and launch a few wooden darts, aiming to get them in the back of its eyes.

Most of the darts miss, but that’s why I threw more than one. One of them does hit, and the creature makes an abominable screeching growl and it begins to flip around again towards me, Dame Benign still in its grasp.

On one hand, I could just stay here in the tree. I mean, if it wanted to get me, it would have to drop Benign, and also get close to me with those tentacles. I retreat into the leaves of the tree and move to another branch. I can’t see the creature anymore, but it also can’t see me.

It screeches again, and I hear a gnashing noise. A cautious peek reveals that it’s snapping a set of ugly, toothy jaws together, like a shark in desperate need of a dentist. The creature then proceeds to take a large bite from the relatively narrow tree’s trunk, tearing out the wood and spitting it to the side.

I decide that this tree isn’t going to hold out with the way it’s creaking, so I look around for another hiding place. Unfortunately, the nearest hiding place is on the ground, the large creature having overturned a couple of rocks in its hurry to attack.

Well... not much choice anymore. I leap from the tree and land on the ground, not far from the rocks. Unfortunately, the sunlight revealing me means my ‘escape’ was not unseen by the creature. I leap behind the rocks, but it’s clear I was seen doing so.

The monstrous invertebrate screeches and begins turning, lashing its tentacles towards me, dropping Dame Benign in the process. Well... that’s actually rather helpful if I can manage my next move... but the creature has to move first...

With a shocking speed, it begins squirming towards me, tentacles flailing.

Moving quickly, I dash from behind the rocks and circle around. Clearly seen, but that shouldn’t be a problem if I have a few more seconds. I toss some of my pepper powder it’s way. It might not work, but if it does do something, it’s better than not trying anything.

I don’t bother to keep watching to see if there was any effect, relying on auditory cues as I work on getting Benign’s special sword off her hip. The sword’s grip is designed for teeth, and awkward in my hand, but I can wield it well enough. Thankfully, it’s a light blade, or there’d be no chance of this working.

I wait until the creature’s tentacles get close enough before slicing at it. If the sword is as good as she claims this should do some damage.

The flailing tentacles close in on you, and your speedy movements lop off three of its eight limbs. One, however, strikes you across the face, leaving a tingling swathe in its wake. Almost instantly, half your face is completely numb.

With my face being practically insensate at this point, I have to hope I’m fast enough to do this before I lose the use of my arms as well. I feign another swing with the sword and, as the creature reacts, I drop the sword and circle around it.

The creature reacts with a bout of slowness, but grabs the valuable sword before hurling it across the road, where it clatters on the rocks. No, Rarity, I still won’t duel you. You need to find another way to contest someone else’s actions.

The creature turns to face me again, but I have my punch-dagger drawn again, and give a quick horizontal swipe along it’s eyestalks before it’s gaze settles on me, though the tentacles do get dangerously close to hitting me completely.

The creature shrieks and dodges the knife-strike, but is no longer advancing. In fact, I think I might be able to get it to retreat away if Pinkasel can join me. “I don’t know what you can do in a fight, but inspirational music isn’t going to hurt this thing. What else can you do?”

“I have my trusty banjo!” she yells, leaping from the tree with it held in her hooves. Somehow. Either way, she smacks several tentacles away from me in the process, though the numbness in my face has begun to spread down my neck. I also can’t seem to move my right eye anymore, or even close it.

I fight the numbness and focus on landing my next swipe, using Pinkasel’s distraction as a chance to actually grab one of the eyestalks which I cut off, leaving the creature shrieking in pain, having lost the eye I had hit with a dart. The creature begins backing away, Pinkasel and I menacing it until it turns tail and begins running in earnest, shortly before I feel my right arm go numb.

“I’ll... resume my nap, now.” I figure I’d rather try to calm down from the fight rather than keep worrying about my arm. It doesn’t seem like it would be permanent and I feel rather exhausted. Closing my right eye isn’t an option, though so I just cover my face with my left hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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“Alright everyone, there’s your first taste of real combat. You should be glad Anthony’s character woke when he did, or you’d all be Carrion Crawler meals-to-go.” Clark says, leaning back in his chair.

I shrug. “Yeah well, I didn’t expect Clark to literally just have nothing happen if it wasn’t leading up to something.”

“Well, how else am I to break your party? I literally needed to sit back and narrate a peaceful walk through the woods, and you guys fell apart.” Clark chuckles, a momentary evil look on his face. Dash grumbles something about spending the last hour of the game not getting to play.

“We’re put in a game where we can do whatever we want within reason, and you expect me to be civil?” I ask. “I’m pretty sure everyone here knows me too well to think otherwise by this point.”

Fluttershy speaks up, “But why was Applejack and Rarity paralyzed right away?”

Clark shrugs. “Well, when folks might hear something, the GM should always roll in secret. And, I’m sorry to say, neither of those two nor you rolled well enough to hear or smell it coming, and even Anthony missed it. He just got lucky because Pinkie screamed.”

“Welcome to the big leagues, guys.” I say. “I said this would be challenging if Clark GM’d. And compared to the last game I played, this is way better.”

“Yeah, just be glad I haven’t had you guys meet Rocks.”

“Who’s Rocks?” Dash asks.

“He’s a stone elemental. If he falls on you, you die. He lives on mountains and goes surfing down the slopes.”

“Heh. Rocks Fall, Everybody Dies.” I chuckle.

Chapter 1

“What is it?”

“I don’t know”

“What do you mean? I thought you were an expert!”

“But I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

“Do you think it’s sentient?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Where’d it come from, anyway?”

“I don’t know that either, sadly.”

“Well, why don’t we jus’ wake ‘im up an’ find out?”

“No! It could be hurt, if it is, we should let it rest.”

“So we just sit here and wait for it to wake up? What if it’s dangerous?”

“I... I think I’m willing to take that risk.”

“I agree. Besides, it doesn’t look very dangerous.”

“Ah know appearances can be deceivin’ an’ all, but I have to admit, the thing looks kinda wimpy.”

“So do we tell the Princesses?”

“I’ve already sent a letter. I’m trying to study it for now.”

“It’s bald, skinny, and weird.”

“You can’t possibly expect her to turn in a report like that. It would be just shameful!”

“Whatever.”

It’s dark... My head hurts... So tired...

I hear voices... Can’t hear what they’re saying... Head hurts... Throat, so dry...

“W- water”

“Did it just talk!?”

“Shush!”

“What was that?”

I can barely hear. “Water”

“What do we do?”

“We help it of course.”

“Are you even sure that’s it’s mouth?”

“I hope so, it sounds hurt.”

I feel something pressed against my lips. I open my mouth and I feel cool water enter my mouth slowly. I drink until there is no more, and my throat feels better.

So... tired

“H- hello?”

Need... to sleep.

“...Don’t tell me it fell asleep again.”

“I’m afraid it did, it must be very worn out.”

“Do you think it has a name?”

“Maybe, we at least know it can talk.”

“This is it, Princess.”

“I must admit, I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“Well, that’s not too reassuring.”

“I’m sorry I can’t identify it, but there must be something..”

“Like what?”

“Let’s start with what you know about it.”

“Okay, here are my notes.”

I can still hear the voices, but I can’t tell what they’re saying. I know the language, but I can’t identify the actual words.

I feel... strange. Like, some sort of tension...

“Hey! It’s moving!”

“I wonder if it’s waking up...”

“Wait... something seems wrong.”

“What is it?”

“I’m not sure, but... I sense...”

“Woah!”

“Agh!”

“What is this?”

“I don’t know!”

“It’s... so bright...”

“Let’s call Princess Celestia again, this seems big.”

“Y- yeah.”

Feel... different. Warm. So tired...

“And once the light faded, it was glowing! I felt a serious amount of power from it.”

“Hmmm... I see. I suppose it would be safe to try this.”

“Huh? Try what?”

“Yes, this is very odd. It is definitely emitting a lot of energy, but not magic.”

“If it’s not magic, then what could it be?”

“I believe it’s too soon to tell. But this creature is very special. I suggest you keep your elements with you, just in case.”

“Okay Princess, I’ll send a letter if anything else happens.”

“Please do. Also, bring it to me in Canterlot when it is able to be moved.”

“O- of course.”

“So... do we give it a name?”

“That would be rather rude if it already had one, don’t you think?”

“I suppose, but seriously, this is boring!”

“How is this boring? It’s incredible! It’s a undiscovered creature!”

“Ah hate to admit it, but ah think you’re the only one here who thinks this thing is anythin’ special...”

“Oh come on, you saw what it did! Wasn’t that interesting?”

“It asked for water, and then it started glowing, and then it stopped glowing. We’ve been watching this thing all day!”

“But none of us can leave! We promised the Princess we’d watch over it. If this thing turns out to be a meanie-pants and one of us is missing, we can’t use the elements to color-blast it!”

“Fine, whatever.”

Not so tired anymore... I need to move... thirsty...

I sit up. It’s still dark, but not as dark. Can’t make out where I am.

Those voices, what were they?

So thirsty...

“H- hello?”

No reply.

“Hello?”

“Huh?”

One of the voices from earlier.

“Hello?”

“O- ohmygosh! Is that you?”

“Uh, maybe? I don’t know what you mean. Do I know you?”

“Unlikely, I’ve never met you before.”

Still thirsty.

“Hey, uh, could I... have some water please?”

“Oh, uh, sure. Let me get some light.”

A small flame springs to life. A candle, illuminating, but not too bright.

“Can you move?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, perhaps you shouldn’t, I’ll be right back.”

A few moments later I hear the sound of running water. It make me even more thirsty.

I think about the voice. It sounded somewhat feminine. Most of the voices did from what I recall. Maybe there was three, maybe twenty, it’s so fuzzy.

I see the candle-flame come into view again, and when it’s close to me, I feel the same object as before held to my lips. I gently take the object into my own hand and feel it as I drink. It’s a cup-shape obviously, but seems to have a rather grainy texture.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Sorry if I’ve been trouble.”

“Oh, uh, not at all. You’re just, um... new to us. What’s your name, by the way?”

Hmmm... I don’t really know if I should tell her my name. She seems friendly, but still a stranger I suppose. I give her my name... sort of.

“Anthony”

“I see... and how do you spell that?”

As I spell it out, I hear a scribbling sound. She’s obviously taking notes.

“And, uhm, could I also have your gender?”

“Male”

“Okay...”

Paper shuffling, then more scribbling.

“Age?”

“How about I get to know some things about you before you continue the interrogation?”

“O-oh, right, of course. I’m sorry.”

“So who are you?”

The candle-flame is moved closer to illuminate her features as she speaks.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle.”

Chapter 9

“So, Mrs. Cake is it? I’m afraid you were too paralyzed to give me your name earlier.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly the most common sight.”

“I agree completely, after all, I am quite stunning to look at.”

“I suppose that’s one way to see it.”

“So, who’s Mr. Cake? Let me guess, he’s got a giant cherry for a hat.”

“Um, no. I suppose he should meet you before the party starts though.”

She disappears into the back room once more. After a few moments, a skinny yellow pony comes out. Given the look he has on his face when he sees me, I think he’s going to pull an ostrich and bury his head in the ground. He shifts in place, leaning his head toward Pinkie. “C- can it speak?”

I decide to reply for Pinkie. I rest my folded arms on the counter. “Why, yes I can. Is there any particular topic you’d like me to address, horseface?”

“Uh. No, not really...”

After a while, the party is set up, and thanks to my height, we got all sorts of banners and such put up rather quickly. In fact, it was still ten minutes before anyone was supposed to show up, but Pinkie assured me that when she throws a party, lots of ponies show up early. As we were chilling in the back with a plate of chocolate cupcakes, the bell above the door rang, signifying someone’s presence. I learn that Mrs. Cake wouldn’t be the only pony I’d meet again at this little gathering. It’s that purple-whatever mare I dropped the brats on earlier.

“Hey look, it’s fishface.” I call out, waving to her.

This mare is special. When she sees me, all she does is do a double-take. She walks up to me and holds her hoof up. “I’m afraid we didn’t get properly introduced, Mr...”

“Anthony” I take her hoof and shake it.

“I’m Cheerilee, the schoolteacher.”

“Those brats seemed to know you.”

“Yes, they were some of my students.”

“Maybe you should teach them that if they see something sleeping, that they shouldn’t poke it with a stick.”

“Oh my, I’m sorry. Please understand that they’re just curious, you are quite... interesting.”

“I suppose.” Cheerilee sat down with us and Pinkie turned to me.

“Wow Anthony, how many other ponies do you know?”

“Other than the rest of your friends, none. I only met these two today.” Speaking of her friends, Rainbow Dash and Applejack walk in. I look at the two. “Well, this is interesting, I wouldn’t expect the proud Rainbow Dash to come to my welcome party.”

“I’m here ‘cause Pinkie’s throwing it.”

“It seems that a lot of ponies like Pinkie’s parties.”

“Think of this as your Ponyville Initiation Ritual.”

“Initiation?”

“Yeah! I do this for everypony who visits Ponyville for the first time! Then you can meet all sorts of ponies and they can all meet you! Isn’t it great!?”

"Yeah. So where’s Twilight? I’m sure she’s finally woken up by now.”

Rainbow answered my question. “Eh, Twi doesn’t show up early. She always arrives right on time, even though she knows she doesn’t have to. Same with Rarity.”

“And Fluttershy?”

“She’ll probably show up, but don’t expect it to be in a large crowd.”

“Lives up to her name, huh?”

“Since we met at flight camp.”

The party has started, and each new pony spent their first two minutes staring at me like I was going to eat them. Here comes one now. A blue unicorn with a blue and white mane. Pinkie does her usual introduction. “Minuette, this is Anthony! This party is for him!” Minuette stares at me like everypony else. I decide to spice her day up a little more.

“Rawr.” I bare my teeth, making sure she can see my canines. I swear, she almost screamed. These ponies are way too easy it’s not even fun. “Pinkie, can I go back to the library now?”

“Why? There’s so many ponies that need to meet you!”

“Exactly.”

“Aww come on, they just need to get used to you!”

I stopped caring about their names, and now I just mentally refer to them as the tattoos on their rears.

There’s iTunes, Save-the-Dolphins, Candy-ass, Grandpa’s Watch, Fruit Salad, First Aid... geez there are a lot of these damn horses.

I’m struck by an idea. “Hey Pinkie, how about I introduce myself to everyone at once?”

“GASP That’s a great idea! But how do we do it?”

“Easy.” I stand up and walk outside, and grow until I’m twice as tall as Sugarcube Corner.

Now that my huge form blocks out the sun, I get everyone’s attention rather quick.”Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’m a human. This party is for me. Moderately pleasant to meet you all. Bye.”

I shrink back down and walk through the crowd of fish-mouthed horses. There’s so many I have to push a few away. Eventually I get to the library and sit down to read. Something seems off. When I look out the window, almost all the ponies in town are standing outside talking to each other. Damnit. With a sigh I get up and head out the door. “What do you rubberneckers want?”

Suddenly they are all talking at once. I can’t tell what any of them are saying. “Shut uuuuuup!”

Oh sweet silence, I love you. “Alright, I’ll answer five questions, if a question is too similar to a previous one, I’ll ignore it and you lose your chance. You have ten minutes to decide what you want to ask me.”

Sounds of agreement spread throughout the crowd and I leave them to their debate. Suddenly, Twilight is in front of me, having teleported inside. “Why is the majority of the town outside the library?”

“Take a guess, genius.”

“Okay, point taken, but what is going on?”

“Ask them.”

“Fine, I will.” She comes back out a few moments later. “What’s this about questions?”

“I said I’ll answer five questions, and that they must agree on what to ask me.” I look at a clock. “They have five minutes.”

“And why did you say you’d eat anypony who asked a stupid question?”

“I didn’t. They’re freaking out.”

“Well, tell them that!”

“I don’t care what they think. You do it.” Twilight sighs, but surprisingly, stays inside. Once the ten minutes are up I open the door and stand in front of the mass of equine annoyances. “Alright, what do you want to ask?”

A hoof is raised. “Yes, the orange one with the carrots on her butt?”

“What did you say!?”

“I said you’re orange and have a lame tattoo. Four more questions.”

The crowd groans. No more hooves, just voices. “What are you?”

“A human, I told you earlier. Three left.”

“What do you eat?”

“Anything I consider food. Two questions.”

“Why are you here?”

“I have no idea. One question left, choose well.”

I was not prepared for the next question. I couldn’t be.

“What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?”

I burst out laughing. Oh god, that was absolutely priceless! At this point I’m on the floor, holding my stomach, laughing like a madman.

Eventually I stand back up, still panting and chuckling. “Heh... heh... o- okay. I’ll do it. Anyone can chop beef...”

The same pony who asked the question replies at the top of her lungs. “But nopony can pee soup!”

I run out into the crowd and find the pony, and give the little filly a high five. Well, for me, it’s more of a low five, but the effect is the same.

I pick up the tiny pony, a small light-orange filly with purple eyes, and a mane a shade darker than her coat.

“What’s your name little girl?”

“Noi!”

“Aren’t you just adorable?” I hold her in my arm and tickle her. That laugh is totally addictive. I hold her above my head like that one scene from Lion King and make my first public declaration. “Noi is best pony!”

She is laughing again. I place her on my head and run off, she is now chanting for me to “Go faster!”

The rest of the town just stares at me. Suddenly, I hear the call of the wild Killjoy. “Noi, young mare, get back here now!”

“Five more minutes, mom!”

“Now! Don’t make me start counting!”

“Awwww...”

I set Noi down on the ground, and she runs off to her mother. “Bye Anthony!”

That was the best thing ever. Too bad she doesn’t know my real name, but I’m not too sure I should reveal that bit of info to anyone just yet.

“Are you insane!?” Twilight yelled at me as soon as I got back inside the library.

“Most likely.”

“Well you... what?”

“I agreed with you. I sure ain’t normal.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“Yep.” I pat Twilight on the head and sit back down with my book.

“And... and what do you call what happened out there?”

“Hmmm... Fun, I think I’ll call it fun.”

“Spike, take a letter!” Spike ran into the room, already armed with a quill and parchment. Twilight proceeded to dictate her message. “Dear Princess Celestia, please find a way to get rid of this stupid monkey as soon as you can, I fear my sanity and that of Ponyville may be on the line. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” When Spike is finished, he rolls up the parchment and ignites it with green fire breath.

“Riveting story.”

“Bite me.”

I bare my teeth. “Where do you want it?”

She doesn’t respond, at least that’s what I think. She walks up to me and turns around. “What, you want me to bite your ass? Kink-Ooooooooohohohohohooooo”

I fall on the ground, my legs not able to hold me up. So much pain... I gingerly hold my “vulnerables” as Twilight just steps over me. “Spike, I’m going to make some tea, would you like to join me?”

Spike just gives me an apologetic look and calls back. “Uh, no... I’m good.”

“Suit yourself. Anthony?”

“Y- yes...?” I swear my voice is an octave higher.

“Don’t fuck with me.”

“Understood...”

C̶͟h̕͟a̴̶͟͢p̷̶̡̡͘t͘͢͡͝e͢͡ŕ̡͘̕̕ ̵̡̕͘͞1̸̷̧̨7̸̡͞

I approach the statue. By now the guard has run off. I know he’s not stupid, so he’s probably left to get backup. I think about how to release the imprisoned Spirit. I suppose I could just try to break the statue.

I take the coal dagger and reform it into brass knuckles on my right hand. I clench my fist and swing hard. I definitely made a crack. My hand hurts a bit, but I can easily tell that I did a good job as the crack is spreading. Light shines from the cracks, blinding me.

I hear more cracking and then a laugh. It’s very... well, I suppose the best description would be charismatic.

I lower my arms and I can see Discord standing in front of me. His figure leaves quite an impression, one that is not hard to forget. But not that scary to be honest.

“Well this is a surprise.” He chuckles. “You are quite interesting. What are you?”

“I’m a human. And I suppose I am speaking with Discord, Spirit of Chaos?”

“Theeeeee one and only!” He strikes a pose and confetti appears, showering him as a fanfare blares. Quite the showman.

“So, why did you free me? Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

“I want to get to know you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I heard about you from the princesses and Elements of Harmony. Unfortunately, they seemed heavily biased, so I took their information with a grain of salt. Well, more like an entire spoonful. Anyway, I want to hear about you. I doubt you’re the terrible villain they claim you are.”

“Of course not! I just like to have fun. It’s not my fault that not everypony appreciates my idea of humor.”

“I relate completely.”

“Ah, a kindred... well, you aren’t a spirit in the literal sense.”

“Forget it. How about you demonstrate your idea of a good time?”

“You are the first person to ask, kid. I like you.”

With a snap of his talons, we are on a rooftop in a fairly rural town. A bit more advanced than Ponyville, but not a sprawling city by any means. “Teleportation that doesn’t blind you? I appreciate that, thank you.”

“Why should magic annoy someone? That’s just inconvenient.”

“Agreed. So where are we?”

“This, my disciple of chaos, is the city of Trottingham.”

“Looks boring.”

“My thoughts exactly.” He laughs as he snaps his fingers and dark clouds form over the city.

“That’s it? Rain? You’re gonna make them wet?”

“Wait for it...” Discord says, giggling like an excited child. Suddenly, I hear a clap of thunder and it starts raining. But it’s not rain. Oh there’s water all right. Bottles of water.

I burst out laughing. “Oh lord, that is awesome!”

“Isn’t it?”

We share laughs as we watch all the ponies run from the plastic containers falling from the sky. They’re freaking out like crazy. “H- hey Discord... “ I pant from all the laughing.

He wipes away a tear. “What?”

“Can I have a turn?”

“What can you do?”

I look around and I see a pony run under the canvas cover of a nearby store. I point at it.

“Teleport me behind that pony.”

“Let’s see what you got, kid.” He snaps his fingers and I’m behind the pony as requested. I grin. This is going to be awesome. I wait for a few moments and then I Spark up, my glowing blue form drawing the pony’s attention.

“Boo!”

She screams and runs out from under the canvas... *thunk* Just in time for a bottle of water to bean her right on the head.

“Critical Hit!” I shout as I pump my fist in the air. Suddenly I’m next to Discord who’s laughing his head off. Literally, his head isn’t on his shoulders but rolling on the ground.

“That... That was perfect! Ahahahahahahaaaaaa...”

I pick up Discord’s head and reattach it... on his rear end. “What’s up, assface?”

With a *pop* he’s back to normal and we high five each other, laughing like maniacs.

“L- let’s do something else!”

“You don’t even have to ask!”

We continue our laughing as we cause havoc throughout Trottingham, freaking out ponies left and right. Discord starts some music out of nowhere and we dance to the offbeat ‘rhythm’, watching as ponies avoid whatever nonsensical obstacle they face. This is the most entertaining day of my life.

“Hah, I knew the princesses were lying. They just have no sense of humor!”

“You are my new favorite person, Anthony!”

Our two-man, city-wide party continues until the light of dawn. Wait. Dawn.

I turn to Discord. “Celestia’s awake.” I say with an evil grin.

Discord returns my expression and snaps his fingers. We are outside the throne room. I whisper into Discords ear and he chuckles, nodding.

Discord disguises us as potted plants, and when Celestia approaches her throne, I’m no longer a plant. I leap onto her back and mash a magically-summoned three-layer cake into her face. “Good morning, Celestia. Did that cake you up? Hahahahaaaa”

“Anthony!” She wipes the cake from her face. “What in the world-”

“Wait, you missed a spot, right here!” I repeat the process, this time with a pie. Discord can’t help himself. He returns to his normal form and we end up rolling on the floor, holding our sides as we laugh.

“Discord!?”

“Nope.” I say. “It’s Chuck Testa!” Discord and I high five again.

The chapter where nothing sexual happens

I’m patting Myrna on the shoulder as she cries, leaning against me. Behind us, Pinkie is getting a depetrifact potion poured onto her head. The empty room with a ‘Welcome to Ponyville!’ banner in it was, at least, empty.

“Yeah, Pinkie Pie has a habit of popping out of nowhere. I swear it’s not your fault. She does this with everyone, especially new people.”

“I- I didn’t mean to... she’ll be alright, won’t she?”

“I guarantee you she’ll be perfectly fine. Earth Ponies are nothing if not resilient. And most Earth ponies aren’t Pinkie Pie.”

Myrna nodded her head into my shoulder. She sniffles, and just stays there for several moments, no doubt basking in my warmth.

I’d taken some time to do mental comparisons. If Myrna was a human with the same proportions as she does now, she’d be a minimum of around 7’6”. Which is gigantic. Her shoulders are broad enough that she can hold me with one arm, but without actually being all the muscle-y. She’s also got fine, smooth scales along her back, she said, and they continue down her shoulders to her upper arms, though I haven’t seen it myself yet.

Her hands, though, are interesting. Her nails are, instead of being slightly curved, are almost triangular from a crease running down their lengths. Also, she doesn’t have any sort of venomous snakes for hair. She’s got a number of different snakes mixed in with actual hair as well, some bright yellow, some a dark green, and some in olive green. Her own scales are a strong, vibrant green, though it’s not bright. She also has a tendency to wrap herself around me when upset, and her squeezes are just barely above my comfort level.

I suppose I might give off a bit more body heat, with my larger size compared to the ponies, and she’s shown signs of being cold-blooded. Guess it’s just nature.

“So yeah, Pinkie’s gonna be fine any moment. She’ll just have to be told not to jump out at you.”

Very suddenly, I see Pinkie, crouched and ready to spring, seem to deflate in the corner of my vision. It seems she heard me.

“If she likes being able to move that is. I suppose being a statue might be interesting, but it’d certainly make it hard to throw parties...”

“Not if they’re planned in adv-” Pinkie turned into a chunk of rose quartz again. Myrna immediately apologizes, as Twilight growls in frustration. “These potions aren’t cheap, Pinkie!”

“Yeah, she’s gonna need a bit of conditioning for you, but she shouldn’t take too long to wise up.”

Myrna just nods and pulls her hoodie down further over her face, blushing wildly. It contrasts nicely with the tiny amount of green scales on her cheeks.

“Maybe we could get you sunglasses or something. No, wait... glasses with one-way mirrored lenses. That would definitely work! That way you could see, but even if you’re startled, you wouldn’t make eye-contact and they won’t turn to stone!”

Myrna thinks for a moment, a finger on her lips. “So... like Cyclops’s visor, but I don’t have force-beam vision?”

I pause, then grin. “Myrna, I think you are my new favorite person!” I give her a big hug. Finally! Someone who just might be as nerdy as I am to understand my jokes! Best day ever!

“Wait,” Myrna asks, “Are you a trekkie?”

“Well, I’m more of a Star Wars fan, but I know a bit about Star Trek. Nothing worth flaunting though.”

“Well, what do you think of Firefly?” she asks. “‘Cuz I’m a big fan.”

“Uh, I honestly don’t know much. I was meaning to look into it, but I never got a chance to on account of me ending up here.”

She pulled me into a crushing bear-hug, and I can hear my bones and joints creak. “Don’t worry, it’s alright. If I ever find a way, I’ll remedy your poor lack of true entertainment.”

“Hey, Pokemon is just as entertaining as anything I can imagine!” Our little nerd debate has left Twilight confused. Suppose she’s got no idea what we’re talking about.

“Anyway, yeah, we should get you some special glasses. They should help with your little problem. Learning to master powers is difficult. By the way, what can you do?”

“Uhm, well, since I had a week of being here, I’ve had plenty of time to figure out what I can, mostly. I think it’s all, that is. I know I’ve got the stone-stare, now, and I can move stone like its clay. I’ve never been much of a sculptor, but it’d probably be really easy. Oh, I’m also really, really strong now, and I can sort of swim through rock. And gravel.”

“Huh, cool. So basically you can turn others to stone, pull them apart, and even act as though a solid mountain wasn’t even there... That’s pretty neat.” I grin.

She blushes again, smiling and straightening a bit. “Oh, I can also do this!” She held up her hands, and stared for a moment. Then, like watching water drip in reverse, stone flowed up from the ground below and solidified around her hands, cladding them in heavy gauntlets. The most impressive part, however, is that the stone slid between the tightly-fit floorboards, as if it was water or dust.

Hmm, maybe it was dust, given how I tend to shape coal. I decide I should demonstrate some of my powers. But I’m more of a ‘show’ guy than a ‘tell’ guy. “Heh, neat trick, but check this out.”

I Spark up and go intangible, sliding out of her embrace as I get up and walk away. I watch as her tail and body sort of fall in from not having anything against them. I power down to normal again. “Pretty neat, huh?”

“Wow! You’re like Kitty Pride, but you’re a guy!”

“Hey, Shadowcat is hot! I don’t mind having any comparison to her.” I grin. “Although I have to be in my Star form to do it.”

“Well, it’s still cool. Can you make other people incorporeal as well?” Myrna asks, a smile wide on her face.

“I’ve... never tried. I know it works with my clothes, but I’ve never tried affecting anything other than just myself.”

Pinkie hops over. “Ooh! Can I volunteer? I volunteer!” She hops in place, her hooves quivering with every bounce. Her grin as wide as I can ever remember it being.

“You’ve already been intangible before, Pinkie. How about someone who hasn’t gotten to try?”

“Wait, how did she go intangible? Is there a spell that ponies can cast to do that?”

“Well... I suppose there might be. What really happened was, long story short, Pinkie got some of my powers for a while at one point during a test.” I decide not to mention that she had even more power and was better at using it in two seconds than I was in five months.

“Woah, that’s pretty cool! Say... how about Twilight?” The pony in question looked up from the notes she’d been writing and looked around. “Huh? What are we talking about?”

I grin. I Spark up, and grab Twi by her tail and try to make her intangible. “You’ll see.” I give an evil laugh.

She lets out a surprised ‘eek!’ and I drag her through one of the support poles of Sugar Cube Corner. She passes through it with only slight resistance. Hmm, seems that ‘others’ aren’t as intangible as me. As well, as I let go of her, and she returns to her solid state, she looks dazed, and kinda nauseous. Then, she throws up. Eeyup, nauseous.

“Ha! Can’t handle a little ghost trick, I guess. I wonder...” I put my hand on a little display glass dome on the counter with a pie in it. “Anyone wanna try?”

“Try what?”

“Getting the pie. If this works, you can just reach through the case and grab it.”

Pinkie came up and face planted. On the counter below the little display. Whoops.

“Ooookay, need a bit more practice, then... Sorry Pinkie.”

She pulled her face up, with a sound like a vinyl sticker being pulled up. “It’s no problemo, Anthony!”

“Anyway, If I get some coal, I can show you something real neat.”

Pinkie fishes a lump of coal out of her mane. I don’t question it. I don’t question her in general anymore.

Myrna, however, does. “Why did she- how did she h-”

“It’s Pinkie Pie, that’s all the answer we have, and that’s all we need.” I grab the lump of coal and toss it in the air, and make it hover for a few moments. Then I turn it into a sphere and float it over to Myrna.

“Ooh... May I hold it?” she asks, reaching out a stone-gloved hand.

“Go for it. Once it cools down in a sec.” I then have it ignite, catching on fire, then putting it out. “I could keep that going, but I don’t wanna use up the coal just yet.”

Myrna nods, and carefully plucks the coal ball from the air. I watch as some grooves form in her gauntlets, and she sticks her tongue out in concentration. After a moment, the lump breaks apart, the smaller lumps flowing and shifting in a rough, haphazard way. It settles into the gray gauntlets, and adds a series of black markings in the shapes of coiling snakes along the gauntlets, with some coal left over. Myrna is panting as she finishes, and she has to hold the remaining coal lumplets in a gauntlet instead of floating them.

“Woah, careful. That’s not easy for someone who doesn’t have an affinity for it. Besides. I can do one better.”

I form the small lumps into a three-dimensional snake figure, and have it slither in place, floating just in front of her face. It coils up, and then just floats there.

“I can’t really do internal changes without more coal, and I haven’t really tried anything with detail, but I like this next trick.”

I take the coiled up snake, and have it uncoil, but I make it a bit shorter, removing some of the coal. Now I’m holding a small, snake of coal in my hand with a tiny head. I have it ‘bite’ the end of it’s tail with a little loop sticking out of the head. “Uh, I’d probably want to be outside for this, just saying.”

Once we’re all outside, Myrna very interested in what I’m going to do. Holding the little snake figure in my hand, barely fitting in my palm, I begin the process of turning it into diamond. Once I’m done, I feel worn out as usual, but I hand the diamond snake charm to Myrna.

“You could probably put some thread through the loop and make a necklace or something. Man, I need to sit down...”

Once I hand her the diamond snake, I head back inside and sit down at a table. That always takes a lot out of me...

I feel a pair of fuzzy hooves wrap gently around my neck from behind. Pinkie nuzzles my neck and whispers, “That was so nice of you.”

“Hey, I can be nice if I choose to be.” I’m panting a little, but that doesn’t stop the snarking. “Besides, it’s not like I haven’t done it for Luna. Not sure if she still has hers, though.”

Pinkie nuzzles me again. “Yeah, but Luna has friends. I don’t think Myrna here has any but you, yet.”

“And you’re going to fix that, I hope.” I grin at Pinkie. “Or at least try. Man I’m beat. You know, I’m gonna head back to the library.” Pinkie lets me go with a  smile and wave.

I don’t know why, but right now I feel like just sitting down and reading would help a lot more than if I stay here.

Damn, I am tired.

Chapter 74

I look at Twilight. “Hey, is that any way to treat our host, Twilight? I thought you were a nice pony!”

Twilight just covers her face with, well, me, and screams in what can only be abject terror.

Granny Pie rolls her eyes, of which she now has dozens. “Pfft, I haven’t done any good Boojum work in decades, weeks even.” I look over at her, and see that she’s now a giant insect of some kind, and petting the cat from earlier.

“Come on Twilight, what were you expecting? A Snark?”

“Technically, dear, I am a snark.” Granny Pie points out.

Huh, as I recall, Boojum pretended to be Snarks... huh, oh well. “That doesn’t matter. Come on Twi, you’re a grown mare, stop acting like that, just be glad you haven’t insulted Granny Pie.” I peel Twilight off of me and drop her onto the floor, making sure she at least lands on her feet. “And watch out for the egg timers, you wouldn’t want to ruin their reunion either, would you?”

Twilight just sort of gibbers incoherently, and Cadence rolls her eyes, levitating Twilight into one of the plush chairs.

“Actually,” Granny Pie states, “I am rather insulted, but pay that no mind, you’ve only got one and none to share.” I’m not sure if I’m insulted by that or not. Technically I do have just one mind.

Cadence just laughs. “Oh, I forgot how fun it is speaking in Wunderland. Oh, Mrs. Pie, if you-”

Granny Pie holds up a hoof, looking like an alicorn as well, but of some madness or another. “Now now, ‘mrs.’ is my godmother’s name. I’m Preamble Pie, if you’re going by first names.”

Cadence seems to have lost her train of thought. I feel compelled to offer to help her find it... she’s right, Wunderland is awesome! I look over at Twilight. I feel like she might be a bit over her head here. She’s having a bit of trouble transitioning, which means I can say just about anything now.

Twilight twitches violently, then relaxes. “I am most sorry for being so rude to you, madam, and I hope that you might forgive me.”

Granny Pie scoffs. “Well, it’s better than nothing, I suppose.” A loud ding echoes from the kitchen, and Granny Pie stands up, turning into a vaguely anthropomorphic giraffe in the process. She steps quickly to the kitchen, and comes back with the casserole dish from earlier, the top covered with foil, but steaming slightly.

“Ah, here we are! I’m afraid you haven’t said much, Cadence, so your serving’s a little light, but it should be good anyways.”

Cadence titters. “Don’t worry, I’m on a diet. A light meal is better for me anyways.”

Granny Pie nods, scooping something from the casserole dish, and pours directly onto Cadence... some light? A rainbow burst of color flows like a liquid towards Cadence before splitting off in every direction. Oh, a ‘light meal’. Cadence looks a little disappointed, as well.

“I’m not sure how much I’m going to get, I’ve been rather talkative. I’d hate to be given too much.” I say, starting to catch on.

“Well, if you’re sure.” Granny Pie says, handing me a bowl and spooning out a... pile of letters? My other guess was right, I was about to literally eat my own words. Hah, called it! Shrugging, I take a spoonful and it is pulled up in sentences, acting like noodles, even though the letters aren’t connected. It’s like alphabet ramen! I take a spoonful of the stuff and put it in my mouth, wondering what it would taste like.

I nearly can’t tell I’ve eaten it, and it’s really kind of bland. Every now and then, there’s something that tastes good, but it’s not as tasty as I’d thought sometimes.

Twilight begins gibbering again, while Pinkie is handed a small plate, with a donut on it, her two sentences on the top in icing. I have the strong feeling she was gaming me for everything I got.

Finally, after everyone had eaten, Twilight not liking hers for how hot it was, Granny Pie handed out dessert. It was a bunch of words, bunched up and sort of like cookies.

The first one I picked up said, ‘THERE’S NO REASON TO WORRY, I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING’. Huh. I feel like I should expect the next one to say ‘HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS’ but that’s just a guess.

I look down at the plate, and see Twilight pick up exactly the one I was expecting. Well, now, this should be interesting. I take a bit of my own cookie, finding it quite palatable and easy to swallow. I take another bite, not knowing whether I should expect the same or different. Both were just as likely. How it happens is that it’s just as tasty and easy to down as the first bite, if not easier.

I glance over and see Cadence politely refusing the dish, and I get a good look at the dish from a different angle than before, revealing that the dish full of word-cookies is only half there, many of the cookies sticking off into empty space, some only hanging in there by chance or a well-hooked J or C.

Granny Pie looks at me. “It’s pretty good, right? Such lovely notions, too bad they’re only half-done. Still, I only had enough for a half bakery, so no full ideas.” Oh god, I just swallowed a half-baked idea.

But then, so did Twilight. Hah, this should be interesting. “So Twilight,” I ask. “What’s on your mind... figuratively?” Yeah, I think I know how to get this to work out right.

“Well, I’ve got something, but it’d be easier to show you than tell you.” Twilight levitates her plate towards me. “Here, hold my food, and watch this.”

I grin widely and take it. This will be awesome!

Twilight stands on the edge of the table, and Cadence looks up, worry on her face. Twilight, through sheer dint of skill, balances herself wobbily on one hoof, determination on her face as she begins charging a spell. Then, she falls over, and would have cracked her head open if Cadence hadn’t caught her.

Ha, half-baked indeed. I am never going to let Twi live this down. I’m just laughing and I finish off my cookie. I know what I’m doing, no reason for me to worry.

Chuckles aside, though, we all relax on the couches, and the cat even comes over, and lays on my lap.

“Hello there.” I say to the cat. “Do you mind if I pet you?”

“I was rather counting on it, actually. Now would you get to work?” Definitely an actual cat, then.

“Very well then. I’m told I’m good with my fingers.” I begin petting the cat, and turn to Twilight. “So, how are you enjoying Wunderland, Twi?”

“I think I had an aneurysm, but that’s not important.” Twilight’s mane spontaneously wigs out, strands springing in every direction. “Once we actually leave tomorrow morning, I can start researching everything. Oh, it’s going to be so much fun!”

“Research is fine, but don’t forget to experience things as well.”

“How could I forget? You need to experience the paperwork to make it work! It makes sense, because we’re in Wunderland!” I think Twilight broke. Crap. Oh well, I’ll try and fix her, but first I might need to find the pieces.

I turn to Cadence. “You know we’ve already eaten, you don’t have to stay quiet.”

Cadence shrugs. “I’m not that talkative, really. Just when there’s something I want to talk about.” I look over, and see that there’s a big bite taken out of a cookie labeled, ‘IT’S PROBABLY BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AT ALL’.

I check to see what sort of cookie Pinkie got. She’s gnawing gently on one that says, ‘SILENCE IS GOLDEN. DUCT TAPE IS A TOOL. I HAVE ONE AND CAN MAKE THE OTHER’. I’m not sure what to think about that. For the time being, I just decide to sit and pet the cat. Then something occurs to me. I can ask a question. “So what do cats think about all day?”

“Well, I suppose it depends on the cat. I, personally, imagine every way I can brutally murder my owner.” The cat pauses for a moment. “After num-nums, of course.” Yup, that sounds like a cat all right. I sigh and return to my petting, wondering what will happen next.

After an hour of conversation, both confusion and not, we’re finally too tired to go anywhere, and end up passing out on the chairs, Twilight being the only one who protested. Seems she’s still afraid of the Boojum that is Pinkie’s grandma. I can’t imagine someone feeling skeptical after they just got free food. I feel like I need to help Twilight adjust... tomorrow... maybe.

Chapter 97

This is not good... I rack my brain to come up with what I should do, and I end up with a pretty good idea. Denying everything.

“If anyone asks, I was never here!” I say quickly and run off towards Ponyville, leaving Anne with the children. I don’t think she’d mind, though. She’s right that they’re cute but... the greatest evil hides behind the most innocent of façades. She just needs to spend a few adventures with them to understand.

I get to the library and begin my usual search for something to read. I figure I should study a bit more about pony history and social norms if I plan to live here. I’m walking to a shelf when I notice Twilight’s cabinet where she keeps the stash of notes she’s taken. I decide these might be useful, at least to get someone else’s perspective. I try to open a drawer and I discover it’s locked, and yet I can open all the others.

Now why would she lock only one drawer... unless whatever’s in there is important. I think about how I could go about opening the drawer. Upon closer inspection, it seems that the lock is rather simple, but also has some sort of enchantment on it. With this level of security only added to this drawer, the importance of it’s contents is clear... and has piqued my curiosity.

After multiple tries with various tools, I determine that the enchantment was that the drawer can only be unlocked with the key to it. Clever, but suspicious. Unfortunately, I have no idea where Twilight might hide a super-important key. Deciding I won’t find out today, I reopen one of the other drawers and I find her usual notes on various subjects.

After a bit of reading, I get bored, not having learned anything really important or useful. Sighing, I figure I should go off and see the princesses. Opinions of them aside, it has been a while. Wouldn’t want them to get bored.

One train-ride later I’m in Canterlot once more. As I make my way to the castle, I feel like something’s off. Then I notice some of the ponies I pass are staring at me, but are trying not to look like they are staring. It’s not the usual hero-worship I get in Ponyville, but at least it’s less annoying. Suddenly I’m approached by a mare.

“You uh, need something miss?”

“Hello, my name is Violet Velvet and I was wondering if-”

“If this is about a date or a marriage proposal, no.”

She blushes and looks down at her hooves, avoiding eye contact. “O- oh... Okay.”

I continue towards the castle, but I don’t go far before I’m tapped on the leg. When I turn and see the same mare, she shrinks back a bit, still blushing.

“Yes?” I sigh.

“D- did I do something wrong?”

“Huh?”

“W- well, uhm... I was kinda hoping that... could you tell me why not, please?”

I facepalm. “I don’t even know you! Secondly, I’m not exactly in the market for a girlfriend in the first place.” With that I just continue on my way, shaking my head. I stop when I pass by a newsstand and a paper catches my eye. I pick it up and read it, discovering it’s about one of those rumors with Celestia and I being in a relationship. I hold it up to the pony running the stand.

“What is this crap!?”

“Uh...”

“Why would you idiots print this garbage?” I tear up the paper and throw it on the ground and stomp off, when I hear the pony call out.

“So... you’re breaking up with her?”

“AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!” I just rush to the castle. I’m going to have a talk with the sisters about this.

I approach the gates and just walk past the guards. By this point I’m pretty much allowed to come and go as I please, which is something I’m thankful for. Saves me time and energy. Once I’m in the castle itself, I head for the throne room. I walk in and Celestia, who appears to have been pacing, looks up somewhat hopefully for a moment then actually looks at me.

“Oh, hello Anthony.”

“What? Expecting someone else?”

“I was rather hoping Twilight and her friends had returned already.”

“Well they’re not back. At the moment, there’s something I’d like to talk with you about.”

“And what is that?”

“I’m sure that by now you’re aware that the ponies seem to think you and I-”

She sighs heavily. “Yes, I know... As well, Luna is stubbornly refusing to go out in public until the rumors about you and her end.”

“Damnit, why do they think I’d even consider it?”

“Because rumors about the personal lives of celebrities sell better than stories about current events.”

“Well, I managed to stop the rumors around Ponyville, perhaps I should do the same with Canterlot.”

“I agree. I’ve wanted to do it myself, but at the moment there are other pressing matters and I just don’t have the time to gather all of Canterlot and address the issue. It also isn’t really that important either. They are just rumors and we both know they are completely false.”

“False or not, I want it to stop.” I say as I walk up to her empty throne and plop down on the fancy, armless piece of furniture.

Celestia sighs. “Now we wait for the rumors about you becoming the new leader of Equestria...”

“Pfft, if I ran this place, it’d be a lot different.”

“I don’t doubt that in the slightest, and I’d rather it stay the way it is.”

“You’re no fun. Imagine all the ways I could benefit this place if I was in charge.”

Celestia rolls her eyes. “All I can imagine is how it would benefit you, not the ponies.”

“Would another back rub change your mind, princess?” I say with a grin, wiggling my fingers.

“Not at all. Though if you’re offering, I believe Luna could use some stress relief.”

“Hmmm... I’m not sure Luna would trade her position for a massage.”

“I meant as a friendly gesture. You two really should settle your issues with each other, doing something nice for her would certainly help.”

“Pfft, I already did something nice for her, but she-”

“She still wears the diamond you made her, if that’s what you’re meaning.”

“She... she does?” I’m surprised by this. If I was her, I’d have just tossed the bloody thing.

“Yes. Even if you two aren’t on the best of terms, she still keeps it. She treasures all the meaningful gifts that our subjects give her. It’s how she knows that her years as Nightmare Moon are over and that she’s loved again.”

“But that moon pendant wasn’t an offering or an apology it was-”

“It was a gift for the sake of being a gift, and that makes it even more special. She says she keeps it because she finds it pretty, but I know it means more to her than a simple piece of jewelry.”

“I...” I’m actually at a loss for words. Celestia levitates me out of the throne and onto my feet.

“I think you should go talk with her.”

“Y- yeah...” I nod and make my way to her room.

Chapter 100

Sighing in mild frustration, I went and laid down in my bed, and fell asleep.

Absolutely nothing interesting happened as I sleep.

Then, I wake up.

Chapter 146

We make our way to the town market. We’ve set up a nice little stand next to a few food vendors with a big fancy sign that says ‘MAKE A WISH!!’

It’s not long before a curious stallion approaches our stall and looks up at me and Fluttershy, running the little business, Discord to my other side.

“Can uh... can it be any wish?”

“You bet, just ask for anything you want and we’ll give it to you. Only one wish per person.” The pony looks thoughtful, obviously trying to come up with a wish.

“I wish I had a thousand bits!” He says happily, grinning wide.

“Of course, sir. Your wish be granted!” In a flash, a huge bag appears on the counter and I hand it to the stallion, who is grinning like a maniac. He looks in the bag and is totally confused. He pulls out a screw, a piece of stale bread, and all manner of various odds and ends. “Wh- what’s this?”

I lean on the counter grinning just as wide as he was earlier. “A huge bag of bits. You know, a bit of this, a bit of that... there’s exactly a thousand in there. You can count it if you want!”

The stallion looks totally confused and rather disappointed. “Hey uh... can I exchange this? I want a different wish.”

“Sorry pal, one wish per person. We could take it back though. But who knows, maybe you’ll have a use for a... uh.” I reach into the bag and grab something. “A square bouncy ball. Your choice.”

The stallion just sighs and leaves, but he does take the bag with him. Fluttershy looks at me. “That was kind of mean, you know.”

I shrug. “Not really, we just taught him two very valuable lessons. Be careful what you wish for, and not everything is as you expect. Thanks to our little prank, he’s a wiser, more learned pony. We’re helping!”

Fluttershy gives me that unhappy look, though it’s less effective now that I’m no longer a gerbil and the one towering over her.

“Come on, it’s just a joke! Nobody’s getting hurt, and it’s all in good fun! Besides, they get what they ask for, they just need to word it better. It’s not our fault they are being vague.” The unhappy look has not gone away in the slightest, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Alright then, next customer. Step on up everybody! Make a wish and we will make it happen! Anything your heart desires can be yours! All it takes is a simple request and you will have whatever you wish for! ...results may vary.”

An intrigued, spring-green mare comes up and looks at the stall, contemplating. “You really can grant any wish?”

“You bet, anything you want, just one wish per person, taking back your wish is allowed, and it’s for today only. Now tell me miss, what do you want more than anything else?”

“Uhm... I want my house to always be clean of dust!”

I facepalm. Really? Of course, I guess neat-freaks have dreams too. “Alright. Any dust that lands on or in your house will automatically be teleported outside of your house and cover the area in front of it and it’ll slowly build like snow.”

“No! My geraniums!”

“I wish for a set of tools that won’t break when I use them.”

“Alright, here you go. These are made of solid unobtanium. They will never break and are literally impossible to lift.” The heavy, dull, gray-green tools thud to the ground, leaving impressive indents where they land.

“What?! Then what’s the point?”

“You didn’t say you wanted them to be lightweight.”

“I wish for a solid-gold ice-cream cone!” He looks back and forth between Discord and I, our expressions confused. “What? I make ice-cream, and I want to make a  trophy.”

“Alright.” I hand it to him. “I just hope you have a freezer for a trophy case. Ice cream melts, you know.”

“But... gold doesn’t melt normally...”

“You asked for solid gold ice cream. I can’t just give you a bunch of gold shaped like ice cream, that’s not what you asked for.”

“But I asked for an ice-cream cone...” The pony trots sadly away, still holding the gold ice-cream gently.

“I wish for a thousand bits!”

“Didn’t we already grant someone that?”

“He must’ve given us a recommendation.” Discord shrugs.

“I wish to be older!”

“Wish granted, you’re five seconds older.”

“Awesome! ...Wait...”

“I wish I could fly!” The little unicorn filly looks up at us with hopeful eyes.

I think for a moment. “Go see the Cutie Mark Crusaders and ask about the trebuchet.”

“I wish my pets would stop going to summer camp and not coming back. Mommy says they’re on adventures, but I miss them.” A little colt with a squirrel silhouette looks at us. “Pleeease?”

“They’ll be fine, just ask your mom for help on taking care of them. They won’t d- go away anymore.”

“Mommy’s always busy, though...”

Hmm... maybe an apprenticeship with Fluttershy would do the little boy good. I ask and Fluttershy seems fine with that. Hey, the wish is being granted, so that’s still success!

“I wish my marefriend had bigger thighs!”

Whoo boy, this is going to go over poorly.

“I wish my coltfriend wasn’t such a horndog!” The mare who says this has super-big thighs, and Discord and I snigger and try to hold back our laughter. Gotta look professional, after all.

“Congratulations, he’s no longer a unicorn, nor canine.”

“But... he’s a pegasus!”

“That makes our job even easier!”

“I wish for... for jelly.” A gray stallion says, licking his lips. “In a big jar. The best jelly.” the leer he gives us when he says that has me worried.

Guess we should just... give him what he wants... The giant tub, along with a huge spoon, appears in front of him. With a grin that’s unsettling bordering on dangerous, he pitches the spoon to the side and tears off the top of the cap, simply climbing in and rolling in it.

Discord and I move our stand to the other side of the marketplace, away from... that guy.

Discord looks at me. “I didn’t touch him, I swear!”

“I know... that’s what scares me.” we both quiver a bit as we try to forget that crazy stallion and his... ‘hobby’.

“I wish my tiara was actually made of diamonds!” The little pink bully puffs her chest a bit, and looks at us imperiously, though I can see her knees knocking a bit.

The wish is granted exactly as she asked. “Congratulations, it’s sale value has gone down by about 500% and it’s super fragile and extremely perishable. Enjoy your trinket, moneybags.”

Tiara looks at her namesake, the cloudy, off-yellow ‘gem’ sitting crookedly on her head. She runs off in tears.

Not my problem she doesn’t realize diamonds are practically useless. Well, she does now. Lesson learned.

The next pony up is Scootaloo and she looks up at me excitedly. “I wish I had wings big enough to let me fly through the air!”

In a flash, Scootaloo’s little orange feathery wings are replaced by big, multicolored butterfly wings that look incredibly girly. Scootaloo, hovering in the air, stares at her new appendages in utter horror. I can’t help myself.

“Scootaloo! Your wings are so pretty!”

“Change me back! Change me back before anypony sees! Auuuuuuugh!”

I’m not heartless, so I do have Discord change her back to normal and she drops to the ground, hops on her scooter, and practically disappears.

“I wanna be a ninja!” The hopeful foal in front of me is younger than the CMC, and has a big patch of darker fur around his eye. His coat is a spotty tan-and-brown.

“A ninja? Why in the world would you want to be a ninja? Pirates are way cooler!” With that, Discord poofs him up a little pirate outfit, complete with sword.

“But I’ve already been a pirate for Nightmare Night! I wanna be a ninja this year!”

I shrug. “Fine.” His costume changes and he’s wearing that tunic sort of thing I can’t remember the name of. Whatever, it at least looks pretty authentic, and he’s got some toy shuriken on a belt and a tiny sword next to his other plastic armaments. “Enjoy.”

“I wish I was a seapony!” The mare is looking at me with keen interest, and she’s smiling broadly. She hadn’t given any preamble, just ran up and shouted her wish at us. She’s towing a large bucket behind her, full of water, presumably to sit in.

“Uh... okay.” She now resembles a seahorse, with fins and everything, the curly tail... but she still has a pony snout as opposed to that weird tube thing seahorses have. She’s also about twice too big for her bucket so we figure to give her a freebie and make it big enough to actually swim in. “So... how is it?”

“I like it! Eee-hehehehehe!” She’s practically cackling, and a panting and exhausted-looking mare makes her way here.

“Damnit, Spray! Where are you going to live now? We don’t have anywhere to keep a- a- a seapony in our house!”

The seapony’s smile droops a little. “Oops... I didn’t think about that... uhm... I guess, uhm, can I get turned back?”

“Yep, if you want to take back a wish, you can, but you can’t trade it in for another wish. But if your friend here wants to wish your house was part aquarium...”

“No! It’s wet enough already there!” the other mare yells and I roll my eyes.

“Spoilsport...” I grumble, and Discord returns the seapony back to her original form. Still in the tub, of course. She doesn’t seem upset.

“Ugh, I know exactly what I’m going to wish for. I wish all our stuff is waterproof! My sister’s stupid obsession keeps getting water everywhere.” The disgruntled newcomer looks angrily at her sibling in the bucket.

“Poof.” I say. “Everything in your house is shrink-wrapped. Enjoy!”

“Augh... I’ll just make do, I guess.”

I try not to snigger. I can see her house from here, and that’s shrink-wrapped, too.

“I wish I could go to the moon when I grow up!” The filly looks up at me, still in her pre-teens if I’m guessing right.

We poof her up a legitimate, fully functioning, pony-shaped/sized astronaut suit. “Alright, you’re all set. Now you just need to invent rocket propulsion and heat shielding to escape the atmosphere. You’ll be on the moon in no time after that.”

“I, uhm... I wish that, er, that I, uhm...”

“The offer’s good until the day is over buddy, make your choice today.”

“I- uhm, just... er, that is- uhm, I, uh...”

“Tell you what, if you don’t wish for something, I’ll come up with something for you.”

“N- no! I- uhm, I want, erm, uh, to- uh, I-”

I get Discord to use his magic to make him spit it out and get rid of his mumbling stutter. “Alright, what do you want?”

“Th- thank you! I’ve been trying to get rid of my stutter for years now! Thank you so much!” The stallion trots away, a big grin on his face. Huh.

After a while of much of the same, though thankfully with many varied and hilarious results, Twilight actually walks up to our stall, a challenging look on her face.

“Sorry Twilight, you have no ammo here. Discord and I have only been fulfilling wishes, giving these ponies what they want as they ask it. We have only caused any chaos because of vague wording and misunderstanding on the wishers’ parts. Therefore, we have not caused any harm, or trouble. You got nothing. Discord and I have spent the day being model citizens.” Discord and I grin, folding our arms and await Twilight’s disappointed expression. But she keeps her ‘challenge’ face on.

“Actually. I’m here to make my own wish. You two think you are clever, twisting words and pulling underhanded minor nuisances on ponies. I’m here to challenge that. I have a wish that you cannot misconstrue.” She looks rather smug.

Discord leans over the stall. “Oh really? Tell me, what makes you so sure you have the perfect wish?”

“Simple. I have prewritten specifications!” She holds up a stack of papers, all detailing her wish, and it is very detailed and descriptive. It takes Discord and I twenty minutes to read through the entire stack twice, looking for any kind of loophole possible. But, unfortunately, it’s written with every single detail covered so well we couldn’t possibly misconstrue her request. I am literally incapable of misinterpreting any of this, and it’s such a simple wish we can’t go overboard with it either.

Sighing in defeat, I turn to Discords. “Alright... looks like she wins. Grant the wish.”

“Not so fast.” Discord says, an evil grin on his face. “We accept all wishes orally, and any details must be spoken as well. In order for these applications to be valid, you must speak it, out loud, in one go.”

I stare at Discord. “You are an evil genius!”

The pair of us look at Twilight who looks like she’s thinking real hard on a solution, but the she has her ‘idea’ face on. Her horn lights up as she casts some sort of spell, and levitates the stack of papers and continues to read all of them off one at a time. She’s not even stopping to breathe! When she finishes, I feel a little out of breath for some reason, as if she stole my air so she didn’t have to pause, but that couldn’t be the case as, technically, I’ve been breathing fine since she cast her spell.

And she covers every. Single. Page. No mistakes, no slip-ups, she reads off her pre-made regulations word for word without pause. It’s like watching Pinkie Pie act as a lawyer, and that thought scares me just a little too much. Defeated, Discord summons up a towel for me to throw in and he also creates a white flag which he begins waving.

“You win Twilight Sparkle... have your wish, made-to-order.” My chimeric friend snaps his fingers for the umpteenth time that day, and Twilight gets her wish. Levitating her freshly-made, perfectly normal daisy sandwich up to her mouth. she takes a bite. Then grins. “It tastes exactly as it should, but there’s one other thing.”

“What’s that?” Discord asks. “I made it exactly as your stupid little contract required me too!”

She takes another bite, grins at us way too happily. “It tastes like... victory!” With that, she walks off and continues eating her sandwich, smiling like the cat that ate the canary.

I don’t bother looking at Discord as I ask my question. “Close up shop?”

“Yep.” One last snap and the stand disappears and we walk off to the park.

“Stupid purple killjoy...”

This is Nightmare Night

This is it, tonight’s the night.

The time of fear, of the undead and mysterious. Ghosts, ghouls, goblins, and monsters of all kinds. The symphony of screams echoing through the howling wind. The pale moonlight spreading dark shadows throughout the entire town, blanketing it in a shade of all-engulfing darkness only seen in one’s nightmares. The time when one’s darker side is shown, inner beasts are let free of their chains and cruel, gleeful insanity becomes the law of the streets as mother nature reveals her darker side, recreating the world in a new image for one night only. The most important night of all. And this night shall be even more special.

I love it! And I want to make my performance tonight very special. I’ve been waiting all day, acting as though I was unaware of the holiday. It’s excruciating at times, but the night is not here yet and I want this to be perfect! The dramatic effect is everything here, I will introduce these ponies to what this holiday is really all about. Not that I’m the only part of the plan. No, I’ve enlisted Luna and Discord in aiding me and they seem to be waiting with anticipation as well. But I am the star of the show, and my entrance is the most important.

I walk around town, looking at everything being set up. The themed party games, the decorations, and even a few ponies running around in costume already. Thoughts spin through my mind of just how perfect this night will be. Oh how I wish this night would last forever!

Finally, it is dark out. They call it Nightmare Night, and while that is certainly a more accurate title for what the holiday should be, they shall all know the true nature of All Hallow’s Eve.

A crowd is gathered by the stage and I am waiting for my chance, hidden behind it. Finally my chance is here. I appear in the center stage in a flash of black light, a bit of help from Luna on that front. She and Discord are on ‘special effects’ for the performance, and even a few townsponies are going to be involved, but I am the most important here.

I address the surprised and interested crowd before me. “Attention everyone! This night is very special to me, as I’m sure it is to many of you. However, I have my own name for this very special holiday. Now, I will let you have a peek at what this holiday means to me and what it’s really about! Everyone hail to the Pumpkin Song!!”

Once I’ve said the secret words, a bunch of uncostumed ponies come up onto the stage to join me and I pull out the Lyre. This is going to be one Hell of a show!

♪ Boys and girls of every age

Wouldn't you like to see something strange?

Come with us and you will see

This our town of Halloween ♪

I clearly have my audience captivated already.

♪ This is Halloween, this is Halloween

Pumpkins scream in the dead of night

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene

Trick or treat till the neighbors gonna die of fright

It's our town, everybody scream

In this town of Halloween ♪

♪ I am the one hiding under your bed ♪

With a snap of his claw, Discord summons forth eyes and large, gnashing teeth beneath the stage, the phantom mouth grinning as it starts it line

♪ Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red ♪

♪ I am the one hiding under yours stairs ♪

Myrna, snakes writhing with a cob-web mesh stuck to them, bursts from the ground.

♪ Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair ♪

♪ This is Halloween, this is Halloween, Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! ♪

The CMC, dressed as Lock, Shock, Barrel, and a tiny Oogie step out of a thin veil of illusion, pouncing from the shadows on all sides, before giggling and singing their lines.

♪ In this town we call home

Everyone hail to the pumpkin song ♪

The Mayor steps forth, skin appearing to rot and fall off as she steps into the moonlight, revealing bones and dried flesh. A pirate captain’s ensemble finishes the outfit, and she grins in a manner both eerie and somehow welcoming at the crowd.

♪ In this town, don't we love it now

Everybody's waiting for the next surprise ♪

I don’t think anyone’s noticed because of all the special effects, but I am no longer onstage, rather I am behind it, waiting for the right moment.

♪ Round that corner, man hiding in the trash can

Something's waiting now to pounce, and how you'll-

Scream! This is Halloween,

Red 'n' black

And slimy green

Aren't you scared?

Well, that's just fine

Say it once, say it twice

Take a chance and roll the dice

Ride with the moon in the dead of night

Everybody scream, everybody scream

In our town of Halloween

I am the clown with the tear-away face

Here in a flash and gone without a trace ♪

For this one, Pinkie Pie volunteered to be the clown. Little did she know that, due to the use of altering magic, she was not just taking off a mask that looked like her face.

♪ I am the who when you call, ‘Who's there?’

I am the wind blowing through your hair ♪

Suddenly, the night goes a little darker, and shadow covers the moon. A grinning, toothy silhouette looks down at the gathering, and descends to reveal Luna, but larger, darker, and much more... demonic. So awesome!

♪ I am the shadow on the moon at night

Filling your dreams to the brim with fright ♪

♪ This is Halloween, this is Halloween

Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

Halloween! Halloween! ♪

By now, the entire crowd is chanting along with smiles on their faces, though a  few still look a bit scared.

♪ Tender lumplings everywhere

Life's no fun without a good scare

That's our job, but we're not mean

In our town of Halloween ♪

Mr. Cake, dressed as a vampire, gently bouncing a ‘werewolf’ foal on his back, sings his lines. Mrs. Cake, giving the refrain, is outfitted as a werewolf, and has a gleefully giggling ‘vampire’ foal at her side.

♪ In this town

Don't we love it now

Everybody's waiting for the next surprise

Skeleton Jack might catch you in the back

And scream like a banshee

Make you jump out of your skin! ♪

A bunch of little colts and fillies on the stage have literally jumped out of their skin, being nothing more than animate dancing skeletons, and I can tell it got at least half the crowd to scream!

♪ This is Halloween, everybody scream!

Wont' ya please make way for a very special guy ♪

My turn! I leap out onstage, dressed as a scarecrow, my head replaced by a flaming, leering Jack-o-Lantern with glowing green eyes. I begin dancing to the music as it plays and singing along with the lyrics, my voice very audible to the audience despite there being hundreds of simulated voices along with mine.

♪ Our man jack is King of the pumpkin patch

Everyone hail to the Pumpkin King, now!

This is Halloween, this is Halloween

Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

In this town we call home

Everyone hail to the pumpkin song! ♪

I light the rest of myself on fire and, also ‘lighting’ the skeleton colts and fillies as they prance and hop around me in a circle for the final chanting.

♪ La la la la-la

La la la la-la

La la la la-la la la-la la

Whoo! ♪

Once the music has died down, the stage and the actors, including me, return to normal. The audience howls with delight and claps, stomps, whistles, they do whatever they can to show their appreciation and admiration. I take a bow, and walk off-stage, but not without some parting words.

“Happy Halloween everybody!”

Behind me, I hear Discord snap his fingers one more time, giving his ‘gift’ for the night everypony who showed up. Heh, when they find their costumes being a little more real than they were, this is going to be great.

I’ve gotten into my proper costume, as I walk around town in a trenchcoat and hat, a white sheet of fabric obscuring my facial features and -as a final touch- I have coal dust all over my face, making it shift and churn in ever-changing, symmetrical black markings.

I’m pretty sure I’ve got the best Rorschach costume in the history of everything ever.

I see Twilight in a costume of some form of black-cloaked witch or something, a ruby-red jewel on a sort of clasp at her throat and I approach her. She speaks first however. “Wow Anthony, that performance back there was amazing! And what you’ve got now... that mask is so cool. Maybe you aren’t as lazy as I thought.”

I pat her on the head. “I’m not lazy if there’s incentive not to be, and this time of the year is the best incentive there is. I’m not gonna do anything half-way tonight!”

“I can see that. At least you’re enjoying yourself in a harmless way... those fillies and colts are okay, right?”

“Relax, they’re fine. That was all faked with Discord’s magic. Want proof?” I point to a mother and child pairing walking by us. “That’s one of the kids.”

Twilight, sighing in relief, continues the conversation. “So where are Discord and Princess Luna now?”

“I think she’s still by the stage playing with some kids right now. Discord... Idunno where he is.”

As I say that, Discord floats lazily by on a purple cloud raining giant candies, a bunch of kids and even a few grown ponies are following the cloud, filling as many bags as they can, loading up on the oversized sugary treats.

I turn to Twilight, grinning. “Found ‘im.”

Twilight actually chuckles a bit. “Maybe he is harmless... but we don’t know for sure if he’s fully reformed yet. We should still keep a close eye on him. But he’s doing pretty well so far, actually.”

“I told you chaos can be beneficial. Anyway, catch ya later Twi. Gonna see what kinds of fun I can scare up!”

The answer is: a lot. Having a technically featureless face that constantly metamorphs is scary as heck to some ponies, and others think it’s just plain awesome.

I leap out of a bush and scare the crap out of some kids, and a rather peeved-looking Rainbow Dash flies down to meet me. “Hey come on man, not cool. Those were mine, I saw ‘em first. Find your own pranking targets.”

“Suit yourself.” I grin and, pulling the coal dust from my mask, shove the particles in her face and irritate her nose. She lets out a monstrous sneeze that quite literally knocks her onto her back.

She gets to her hooves and gives me a dirty look. “I didn’t mean me!”

I roll my eyes. “And since when should one have to limit who they target for pranks as long as the prankee also finds it harmless?”

“Well... you don’t have to but... come on not cool, I think I sneezed a filling out!”

“You have fillings?”

“Shut up, I’m going to get back to doing some real pranks. You can watch, just don’t expect me to fall for anything else.”

“Aw come on, we haven’t just sat and talked in ages. Why can’t you hold a conversation while doing something else? Or is walking and talking at the same time too hard?”

“Hey! I prefer to fly and talk.”

“Clearly something gets more exercise than your brain, but I guess that’s not exactly what you’re famous for, is it?”

“Hey! I- actually can’t argue with that.”

I give her a smug grin. “I know. So, how’ve ya been, aside from the recent weirdness and the holiday preparation?” I figure we can chat while we move so I start walking, Dash hovering beside me as we converse.

“Eh, pretty good. Been pulling more night shifts lately, but that’s not uncommon for the autumn and winter months.”

“How much does weather control pay, anyway?”

“Well, as the local captain, I get some pretty good pay. Most of the average workers and two-shifters get around sixteen to thirty per shift, and I get around the same, but I’m working almost non-stop.”

Shifts? I thought that weather control was constant. I mean, I guess there are days when nothing needs to be changed but... huh. “So what does ‘non-stop’ work entail? I mean, it’s not that hard for a pegasus to smash a cloud or move it. I see you guys do it all the time.”

“Sure, but we also have to regulate wind vectors, alter cloud positions when they shouldn’t be destroyed, watch for rogue weather from the Everfree... heck, there’s four ponies on cloud-hauling duty alone, and they fly all the way to Cloudsdale to pick up shipments of well-trimmed and stable cloudstuff every few days. There’s a few hundred gallons to haul around, and stable or not, it’s got a lot of mass.” She pauses for a few moments, then sneaks off to go spook a few foals, cackling happily until she comes back over.

“Wait... gallons of water you mean? I mean, clouds are just... water. At least, that’s what I was always taught in science class. It’s just water vapor. Fog is the same thing just-”

“Uh, duh. But water’s, like, eight pounds to the gallon, right? Have you ever seen a cloud? Those huge cumulo-nimbus clouds weigh, like, a half-ton.”

“Well, if it were solid yeah, but doesn’t that only matter to pegasi? I mean, why can you manipulate clouds if they are just water? Do you all have some kind of Aquatic affinity? Why can you walk on clouds but not water-”

“Hey, dude, how do you pick up fire, and shoot lightning? What lets you move so fast without blowing up? You turn into a living star, and you’re asking me why I can walk on clouds? I don’t know the specifics, you should ask Twilight. But frankly, I don’t care, as long as that doesn’t suddenly go away.” She thinks for a moment. “Or, wait, I can pretend to be Twilight for a sec. Ahem, something something, magic and energy, something something, blah blah blah. It’s science!”

I snicker. “She tends to not use the word ‘blah’ very often, but you’re probably right. And as for how I use my powers, it’s because I have a star core. The fact that the star core probably has magic involved somewhere down the line is just how it works or something. Besides, both Twilight and Discord have proven undoubtedly, that my use of powers is not magic. Yes I give off stellar energy similar to magic, but it’s not actual magic.”

“Pfft, whatever. I don’t really care, dude. But still, pushing an entire Storm Anvil is really hard, and getting it to stop in the right place is even harder. Ooh! Look, those kids have buckets of candy. Let’s see if we can’t give them a scare next.” Rainbow leaps towards the little ones like a cat, complete with stalking movements. It’d help if she didn’t have her rainbow tail sticking out of her suit like a frozen spray of glitter in the night.

I walk past Rainbow, boop her nose as I pass, and try something I’ve been meaning to for a while. I Spark Up and, going intangible, slowly trying to sink into the ground. After a while of tentative, very cautious ‘steps’ downward into the solid ground, it’s hard to not question what I’m standing on exactly, so I decide to make it quick. Submerged up to my neck, it seems as though there is a glowing, disembodied head crawling across the ground without actually moving. One of the kids sees me and loses it. Her friend thinks I’m some sort of decoration, so I leap out of the ground and yell, waving my arms. This prompts the others to run as fast as their tiny little legs can carry them. But only one of them actually dropped their candy. Oh well.

I signal Rainbow Dash over, hand her a chocolate out of the bag, and grin. “That’s how you scare someone.”

“Hahahaha, nice! Oh, hey, we should get this back to the kid. He’d probably be pretty sad if he didn’t get any candy tonight, and there’s still the Offering to be made later.”

“Offering? Wait, offering candy? What for? Warding off evil spirits? That’s what started the whole ‘candy’ thing for Halloween on Earth anyway.”

“Uh, sorta. It used to be offerings to Nightmare Moon so she doesn’t come and gobble up anypony. But now that Luna’s back, I think she just keeps the whole stash. Anypony who goes for candy has to pitch in, but I think it’s more about the Princess getting to see that ponies enjoyed their night.”

Wow, surprisingly deep and introspective for Rainbow Dash. “Soooo, does she eat it? Like, all of it? She’d be fatter than a beached whale in a week, so what does she do with the candy?”

There’s a sudden thunderclap behind me, and I nearly jump out of my skin. By the time I recover, I see RD laughing and giving a hoof-bump to a much-amused Luna, who is still in her ‘evil demon’ look.

“Well, Anthony, since you ask, I usually take it back to Canterlot and share it with my sister and Sir Tibbles.”

“First off, that was not funny. I’m still getting used to the ‘thunder does not always mean lightning’ and ‘lightning doesn’t kill people’ things. I thought I was about to be fried! Second... who the heck is Mr. Tibbles?”

“Sir Tibbles is my dearest confidant and the gentlest little sweetheart I know. Now, I apologize for my scare, I did not intend for it to be so traumatic for you. And thirdly... I wish to speak to you momentarily, away from Ms. Dash. If we may?”

Rainbow shrugs and walks off, giving me a quick ‘seeya later’ and Luna and I begin our little chat.

“I’m pretty confident in assuming this is about my little dreamwalking escapade.”

“Indeed. I am not sure how, just yet, you managed to Delve into Clark’s mind, but I recognized the Psychic Surveillance Spell. I would like you to explain your reasoning, in clear and calm terms. I will decide if I am upset or not once I have heard your side of this.”

I figure I have nothing to hide. “I’m worried about my friend. I want him to be as I remember him, but his time on, what I call Hell-Earth, has changed him on a level I can’t quite seem to crack on my own. I figured my best bet was to get in his subconscious and figure out what the problem could be. After all, knowing what to fix is the first step in solving any issue.”

“That is... reasonable. I am glad you showed restraint and chose only to look, not to begin tampering immediately. The mind is not a crude machine, but something of incredible intricacy. That mindscape he showed us... what do you remember of it?”

“I recall that first we were in a wasteland of death. I met up with him, knowing I couldn’t-”

“No, no, after I showed up. After the dreamscape, the representations of his mind he showed us.”

“Oh, that’s easy. To describe and explain. He had an entire city dedicated to his mind, the populace being aspects of himself, each person a different part of him. An inner-child, his tendency to be a social recluse, and I’m sure many many others.”

“And did you, perchance, look up? What did you see beyond him?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know what I saw exactly. Looking made my head hurt.”

“Indeed... well, that answers a question my sister and I had about yourself, though it is not presently relevant. You faded out, however, while I sought to console him. Is there a reason you left?”

“I... left? I mean, I guess I did, but I just kind of woke up. I’m not exactly good at perpetuating a dream of my own, so I guess I just... left because I wasn’t asleep? I do know that I didn’t intend to leave, and trust me, I’d have his back for anything if given the chance.”

“Of course, Anthony. I suppose whatever had given you the access must have been exhausted of its energy. Delving is an art, and very difficult to power without an affinity for it...” She stares absently into the distance for a few seconds. “Still, you had good intentions, and did not fail to take precautions, so I see no reason to punish you. It is a common misinterpretation of the law that Mental Magics are illegal; it is certain uses of them which are outlawed.”

“I assumed as much, because otherwise I could predict any form of magic to be illegal, as it can be just as dangerous. Just on a less... personal or psychological level. As for who helped me, I’m certain you can figure that out fairly easily. There aren’t many highly-trained magic users I know, so the list is short.”

“Of the ones on the very short list of ponies officially instructed in Delving, only two live here that I know of. And one is presently in the Griffon Empires, acting as an ambassador, and has not physically been here in four years. The other is an earth pony, and has also been fairly reclusive, so I doubt you were able to convince him to help you.”

So... Twilight just used a mind spell despite never actually having official training? She either went to someone other than Celestia or just taught it to herself? Damn... I look at Luna. “You should tell your sister that her ‘star pupil’ may be more than she appears. Knowledge can be dangerous, and it seems she knows much more than most of us realize...”

“I will take your concerns into consideration. Now... as there is little more to discuss of the previous topic, perhaps we could speak more as friends, and not as interrogator and accused?”

“That was an interrogation? Princess, if the goal was to pressure me into telling things, then you clearly have no idea how to make one feel said pressure. I’ve offered my more... uncommon skills to Celestia and she’s turned me down, I’m hoping you see me as potential help in some cases as opposed to a threat that must be quelled.”

“Anthony, in spite of my poor wording when you first wounded me, I have no intentions of making you a threat to this nation nor its peoples. As for being useful...” she smiles gently. “If you cannot even tell when a circumspect interrogation is being directed at you, then you still have a ways to go if you wish to join those that already have that job.”

“I wasn’t meaning that job specifically, but I just wish your sister would stop acting as though I’m just a problem. She seems to be under the impression that, at current, my entire goal is to undermine her work at building this society...” I look at Luna to gauge her reaction.

“Well, it would help if you stopped giving the Royal Sentinels regular panic attacks. Stopping defense against an unknown intruder? Randomly visiting neighboring nations that have tried invading Equestria on several occasions? Planting a ruler upon the throne of a hidden nation within Equestria’s borders? Why, you are giving several previously-stagnated conspiracy theorists enough material to make a comeback! It is quite interesting, especially since you never seem to be doing anything with malicious intent.”

“For the record, my going to Chickago was a suggestion by the guidance counselor Celestia said I was to meet with during my sentence of community service. The fact that they were previous rivals of yours never even came up, just that I should spend some time in a place populated by griffons.”

“Oh, I never meant to infer I was against your visit, in spite of the resulting... problems. Quite the opposite, I feel you should spend less time cooped up in Ponyville, however useful you are when disasters crop up here. No, I was merely voicing the Sentinel network’s reasons for having apoplexy whenever you do nearly anything anymore.”

I chuckle. “Perhaps I can look over some of these conspiracy theories and debunk them. Besides, if I wanted to cause trouble on a massive scale, I can think of much less expectable ways than joining a former rival or causing a minor ruckus here or there.”

“Well of course. But spies must always be paranoid, or they lose their edge too easily.” Luna admonishes, before standing up in full again, and stretching slightly. “Still... the night is yet young. I do believe that there are still several games and activities I have not yet tried, as well as an ‘after-hours’ party Miss Pie is throwing. I do look forward to seeing that, after the Offering Ceremony.” Luna licks her lips, serrated teeth making her tongue wiggle as she does so.

“Heh, just be careful of what activities you get into. I’m sure your traditions differ from mine, but if you hear the words ‘Tee-Pee’ or ‘egging’ you would do best to not get involved.”

“I shall keep that in mind. Now, I am off!” She turns into a vortex of live bats, and the swarm chitters and screeches as it heads towards the town center.

It leaves me with one question in my mind. How can any one person or pony be that awesome?

Smiles Reflected Endlessly Bring Infinite Joy

I hear a small bit of commotion off in the distance. Groaning, I roll over onto my back. Don’t wanna be up yet. The sun is bright even behind my closed eyelids, but after a few moments, a cloud covers it, bathing me in shade again. I try going back to sleep, the cool grass of the field outside Ponyville feeling really comfy.

The commotion increases slightly, but I just ignore it. I curl up under my blanket and focus on ignoring the noise. Wait... I didn’t have a blanket with me, did I? Groaning and opening my eyes, I realize the entire world has turned pink. With a shout, I jump back as much as I could from my laying position, and with the ‘zoom out’ I realize Pinkie was literally right up to my face. “Jeez Pinkie, personal bubble? Whatcha need?”

“Fun!”

“Look, if you’re bored, bother someone else, I wanna sleep.”

“Fun!”

“Fine, whaddya wanna d-” I realize that my ‘blanket’ is made out of more Pinkie Pies. At my movement, they all try to climb back onto me and are looking at me very... excitedly.

“Fun!”

“Uh... what?”

One of the Pinkies decides to hunch down, her eyes half-closed. It looks like she’s trying to do a cat impression while half-asleep. The little growl she makes doesn’t do anything to change that impression I got. “Fun.” is the only word-based response, and she wiggles her rump for whatever reason.

The cat-Pinkie pounces on me, gripping me in a vicegrip of a hug. Waitasec. Looking back at the other Pinkies, they seem to have developed the same mannerisms. Oh crap. I get up and try to outrun my ‘admirers’, mind racing trying to figure out what happened. Damnit, don’t tell me Clark went with the cloning thing anyway...

Running towards Ponyville, I end up in front of an even bigger mass of Pinkies, all of them beginning their chant of ‘Fun!’ as they chase after me, growing as it picks up the Pinkies already chasing me, like a giant pink snowball. Also, I may be crazy but I swear that every once in a while I hear one of them say ‘Butt fun!’. This is not good!

It’s like whatever cloning process was used made a bunch of ‘simpler’ clones, which means these Pinkies don’t understand that everything’s better if we’re just friends, so they all wanna be ‘with’ me, not to mention they are obviously much less... intelligent.

The swarm seems to get bigger as I run, unable to escape no matter how much I speed up, they seem to at least know how to do the crazy things Pinkie does.

I keep rushing from one place to another, looking for places to hide. I hide under the bridge and the mass passes over it, but a trio of them come bouncing along after me, from seemingly nowhere. Gotta... keep... going...

I duck into a sort of alleyway between some houses but as the large wave of ‘fun’ passes by again, one at the tail end catches sight of me. With a joyous cry of “Fun!” the Pinkie grapples me in a hug. Thankfully, with a step back, she only catches me around the waist, her fluffy head planted in my stomach. The horde begins forming at the entrance to the alley, and I start to run again, trying to shake off the clinging pony on my front.

Each place I try to hide, a Pinkie seems to find me, or chase me down and slow me. I try going into a building but I realize my immediate mistake. The interior of Sugarcube Corner is filled with Pinkies on the floor, walls, and even hanging on ceiling fixtures, swinging back and forth. When the sound of the door slamming catches their attention, the entire room freezes. They turn to me and their smiles get a lot bigger. Phasing out through the door, I continue my mad dash to escape the new, smaller horde, which of course meets with the first and just becomes a swarm of Pinkies.

Running out of options here... what can I do, what can I do? I need help, but everywhere I go expecting to find someone, I just find another batch of Pinkies, as if something was turning them into the Pinkies, like some sort of zombie infection.

Is this it? Did some kind of magical surge go awry and now everyone is a stupider version of Pinkie Pie?

And why are they all chasing after me!? Okay, I kinda know that one already, but come on, I can’t be the only one Pinkie liked, right? The morass of pink, blue, and lighter pink confirms that apparently I’m the ‘preference’ here. Great.

So what’s the plan, run until I can’t run anymore and my heart explodes? Yeah, no I kinda like breathing. My burning lungs seems to protest this however, and the crowd behind me is getting bigger, closer, or both. I’d rather not find out, so I guess I do just keep running until I burst.

I honestly can’t think of doing anything but screaming for help at this point and hope that I can outrun the wave until it comes. It feels like I’ve been running for two days straight at this point, and the crowd of Pinkies is still not tiring. A group of Pinkies seems to have come around the corner, and now I have two to run from, one on either side. I climb up on top of a house, but it doesn’t help as the Pinkies quickly just make a huge pile of themselves to stand on. The mass of bouncing pink ponies is unstoppable!

I jump down to the ground rather unceremoniously, but I get to the ground fast and I rush inside a nearby house that looks empty. I shut the door and bar it with a chair and after a while, the pounding stops, though the chanting doesn’t. They seem to be piling up onto the house, but as long as I’m inside I’m fine. They can’t get-

“Fun!” A pair of Pinkies plops down out of the chimney, followed by more, and soon they start piling up in the hearth and spreading out onto the floor. Noticing me, they start charging happily again, and I can’t think of anything to do but phase through the wall and keep going.

But it seems hopeless, since every place I stop isn’t safe, a Pinkie jumping out of whatever could be jumped out of, and occasionally things one shouldn’t be able to jump out of.  Nowhere is safe, and it just keeps growing!

A blinding flash blocks my vision and I can’t see where I’m going, and I run straight into a wall facefirst. I shut my eyes and curl up, awaiting the mass to surround me and smother me to death with a thousand pounds of pink fur.

“Ow... that looked like it hurt, sorry.” Huh? I look around. There’s no pink wave anywhere... I’m in the Town hall! “Hello? Are you okay Anthony?”

I uncurl and realize Twilight is looking me over, the rest of them, minus Pinkie obviously, are also present.

“Wh... what’s... going on?” jeez I’m out of breath.

“We’re not sure, but there’s so many Pinkie Pies right now!” Twilight says.

I hear Rainbow Dash mutter, “You could almost say too many...”

“Oh no. Five is ‘too many’. This is madness!” I correct. “So how do we solve this?”

“Well, I know a spell that can induce a power feedback loop that could invert any form of summoning, based on the energy of the summoned creature, but we’d need to make sure these are actually summoned clones, and not something else.”

“Why would it not be summoned clones? I guarantee you guys don’t have what it takes to make them biologically.”

“Well, if they’re just something that was turned into a bunch of copies of Pinkie, and I use the spell on them, it’d just make them, uh, explode.” I gape for a moment. “Into glitter. And quite possibly confetti.”

“I don’t think it matters what they explode into once you’ve clarified they will explode.”

“Well, I’m still trying to figure out why glitter and confetti, personally.” Twilight says, a bit peevishly.

“So what method do you have that doesn’t involve killing them?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be killing them. Unless they weren’t summoned creatures. But we’d want to identify them before attempting the feedback spell, anyways. A few summoned creatures can bounce things like that back at the caster.”

“So we need a Pinkie to test. How are we gonna do that?”

“This is not a plan!!”

“Sure it is, they like you, so just sit there and... be you.”

“Clark, open this door or I will-”

“Shhh. Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m huntin’ Pinkies. Hehheheh.” oh Shor, that is not what Elmer Fudd’s laugh sounds like!

“Do you have any idea what they might do to me if they see me?”

“Great things, my friend. Terrible, yes, but great indeed.” Did he just quote Ollivander at me?!

“Shut up you fucking muggle and-”

“Fun!”

I close my eyes and make one final threat that I will probably make good on if I survive. “I will mount you over the fireplace for this...”

“OooOOOoooh! Fuuun!” the Pinkie now holding me says, practically purring into my ear.

“GetitoffGetitoffGetitoffGetitoffGetitoffGetitoff!!!!” Pulling at the pony has no effect, as she just sort of stretches, but ignores tension and sticks to me.

“Use the net!” I hear, and sure enough, a net drops around me and the Pinkie, and begins hauling us towards the second story. The Pinkie takes the time to snuggle closer and nuzzle my neck. I need a shower, now...

I’m finally let out of the net once inside, and a levitation spell keeps the Pinkie inside the net. Not bothering to think about how the Pinkie managed to undo my button-based ‘fly’, I close my pants back up and sit down. “I’m not moving from this spot until there’s only one left, preferably the one who doesn’t act like a horny retard.”

As the Pinkie, now separated from me by the net and several feet of distance, starts bawling her eyes out, Twilight answers me. “I’ll need to do some tests, but this one’s acting more like a- a golem or something, not like an actual full copy. I have no idea what could’ve done it, but most duplicator artifacts create either full copies of the template, memories and all, or just ‘blank slates’, not this... emotional median.” The netted Pinkie, still trying to reach me, failing, and trying harder, is carried out in the net, the soft glow of Twilight’s magic keeping it aloft.

“So, Anthony, noticed yet that Pinkie’s still got something for you?” Clark asks, arms crossed.

“She does not! As Twilight said, they don’t have her memories or experience. The real Pinkie already tried the whole romance thing with me, and we both agreed we like being friends better.”

“Uh huh.” Clark inclines his head disbelievingly. “So the entire mass of fuzzy pink pony-clones all wanting to jump you is purely coincidental, then?”

“Of course not, she wanted me before, but knows better now. These Pinkies clearly don’t have that knowledge.”

“Right... Well, my old friend, you can stew in your Egyptian river. Anyways, whatcha need? I’m guessing something like some hot cocoa and a trauma blanket are high on your list. We have a fuzzy towel, if that would work better.” Clark says, offering said towel. It does look very fluffy.

“Just get me some cocoa, all that running made me thirsty. Next time we need live bait, I volunteer you in advance.”

“Only if it’s a giant flight of shy yellow pegasi.” Fluttershy blushes and eeps at the comment.

“Yeah, if that happens, I don’t think anyone would mind. For one, her primal instinct isn’t to run around everywhere very loudly and destructively.”

“No, but you could bet your buns there wouldn’t be an uncared-for bunny in the land.”

“Anyway, back to the problem at hand. What kind of clones are they and how do we get rid of them?”

“Idunno, go ask Twilight. It’s been, like, a minute and a half.”

I figure that’s the smartest thing he’s said all day...

...Were you expecting something extra-special?

“I must say Anthony, I never would have thought of combining melted milk chocolate with oranges, this oddly colored drink is quite the concoction!”

“Yup.” I lean back in the lawn chair I had replace the throne. Much more comfortable. Discord opted for a hammock and we bask in the sun’s rays, enjoying the castle’s new fold-back roof. A guard rushes into the room.

“Sir! The guard’s barracks have been replaced with a sauna! The bunks have been replaced with heated water beds!”

I look up, shifting my shades to rest on my forehead. “Yeah, I know. Any complaints about it?”

The guard shifts in place. “Well... no, but... we would like our barracks back...”

Discord sighs and snaps his fingers. “There, it’s back.”

Looking out a window at the castle grounds, the guard stammers. “But... it’s not. The sauna is still there!”

Discord shrugs. “I’m sure your little military hut is somewhere. You guys need to relax. Here, have a fat-free yogurt.” A small yogurt cup is spawned on top of his helmet. The guard just walks out muttering something about going back to the sauna, eating the yogurt.

I shift my shades back into place and lay back down, removing the wedgie I got from my shorts. “These ponies need to know how to relax.”

“I agree! I think what we’ve done for this place is so much more entertaining! You’re looking a little red though, Anthony. Maybe we should put the roof back up before you get a sunburn.”

“Meh.” I flip over and lay on my belly, letting the sun warm up my back. Might as well get both sides. My cup is empty so I hold it under the fountain of orange chocolate and let it fill up. I get back to the citrusy sweet drink when the doors open again signaling more guests. I sigh. “I don’ care what you want, just grab a drink and relax. We got a cistern of virgin piña colada over there if you aren’t up for orange chocolate.”

I hear a piercing shriek followed by shrill hyperventilating.

“Discord?” A snap of fingers and I have a remote control in my hand. I point it at the source of the noise and hit the ‘- volume’ button a few times. I take off my shades and sit up. “What’s the big deal?”

The Element bearers minus Twilight seem to have gotten my message, Rarity looking around the renovated throne room, her mouth open in a scream of horror, but barely making a whisper. “Chill Rares, we can put everything back in a moment.”

“If we wanted to that is.” Discord adds. We both take a pull from our glasses and I bump my fist to his curled paw. “Sit down, relax, we’re having a great time! And there’s enough here for everypony. You all look so tense!”

“I was kinda okay with Anthony running things for a week...” Rainbow says, looking around. “But Discord? Nuh-uh.” Two Pinkies have sat themselves underneath the chocolate-orange fountain guzzling it down, the third rushing around the room checking out all the little novelties I imagined for Discord to poof up.

“What’s the deal RD? Come on, like it’s that bad.” I toss one of the special large ultra-soft pillows Discord had made right at the pegasus and it poofs against her and falls over, Rainbow looks at the pillow and then pokes it with a hoof, shivering a bit.

“Wh- what’s this thing made of?”

Discord shrugs. “No idea. It’s super comfy though, whatever it is.” Rainbow has now laid down onto the mystery pillow and immediately has a half-asleep look to her already.

I return to the remaining three. “So what about you? Need something?” I aim the remote at Rarity and turn her ‘volume’ back up. And she starts criticizing what we’ve done with this place, from the walls to the now half-off ceiling. I hit ‘fast forward’ and Rarity speeds up and when I figure she’s done I put her back. Wow, this is pretty fun. I think I’ll keep it for later.

“Ah must say, Rarity having a mute button ain’t such a bad thing.” Applejack chuckles. “‘Specially when she starts talkin’ about the latest get-up in them fancy magazines, how she shoulda thought of ‘em first and that they should be pluggin’ her work more often.”

I grin and chuck the remote to Applejack. “Go nuts. Not sure how long the batteries’ll work, but it should be good for a few laughs.”

AJ stares at the device in her hoof, a strange look on her face like a griefer being offered unending TNT blocks and an infinite pool of lava. Naughty, surprised, and very very happy. She gives Rarity the evilest grin I’ve ever seen on the farmer. “C’mon Rarity, let’s find a big wet, sticky mud puddle and roll ‘round in it fer a while.”

Rarity looks mortified and opens her mouth but no sound comes out.

“Ah didn’ hear a ‘no’. Any a y’all?”

“She’s so happy she’s speechless.” I respond an evil grin across my face, wiggling my eyebrows at AJ, who grins and pulls a silent, raving Rarity along behind her.

Last is Fluttershy. Uh... Fluttershy... Hmmm... I turn to Discord and shrug. “Kittens?”

“Kittens.” With a snap, the butter-yellow pegasus is covered by a giant mound of tiny mewling kitties of all sorts walking around her, rubbing against her and basically being heart-explodingly adorable.

A pair of hooves grabs my face and yanks it upwards, now very close to one of the Pinkies. “Where’d you come up with this stuff!?” The word is less of a question and more of a hissed demand, the smell of orange chocolate on her breath very noticeable.

“It’s uh, something I came up with myself based on the idea of a seasonal human snack.”

“Give. Me. This. Recipe!” The Pinkie says, squishing my nose against her muzzle.

The other Pinkie who’d been gorging herself on the fountain smacks her lips. “Idunno, it could use a little something. Nutmeg? Cinnamon? Not sure, but I think it could use a bit of a ‘pop’ to it.”

“Use darker chocolate?” I suggest hesitantly. The vice grip on my cheeks from the first Pinkie increases and she stares into my eyes.

“You are a genius!”

“Uh, thanks? L- leggo please?”

Discord dunks both Pinkies back into the fountain and with a snap the fountain’s drink becomes a much blacker brown. Going back to guzzling it down, they look... Well, totally desensitized to everything else. I fill my cup with the new mixture and take a big gulp.

Ech, a little too bitter for me, the chocolate’s too pure. That said if I replaced the orange with chili pepper I’d have a pretty strong drink. Maybe not a sweet drink, but certainly would be pretty close to the original recipe for hot chocolate. “Whaddya think Pinks? Peppers instead of oranges?”

One of the Pinkies pools a ton of the stuff into her mouth, her cheeks swelling up like balloons. Gesturing excitedly to her mouth, I shrug. “Do it I guess.”

A snap later and Pinkie’s face becomes very red and she swallows immediately and rather than catching her breath, flames come out of her mouth. Jeez. She rushes over to the cistern of piña colada and dunks her face in it. She comes out completely soaked but a pleased look on her face. “That was awesome! Where do you come up with these recipes?”

I shrug. “I’m just an experimenter. I mean, the class I was absolute best in was Home Ec. I’m a good chef I guess but it’s not really my thing. I’m good at it but it just doesn’t speak to me as a profession.”

“Yeah, but some of these things are incredible! A chocolate drink that’s not intended to be super sweet but still delicious? You’re a culinary genius! Ooh, what do you think you could do with cupcakes!?”

I actually have a few ideas, but I think the Pinkies have gotten too wound up and I don’t want to risk one of them exploding. “Uh... I’ll think of something?”

“This could put Sugarcube Corner on the map! Well, it already is locally, but I mean like internationally! We might make enough money that I could eat ten whole batches of cupcakes but still have enough money to replace them!”

“Pinkie! Calm the hell down! I’m not going to do anything that would get you any more sugar. I swear your blood is eighty-percent Sucrose!”

“Oh silly, I had a checkup last week, it’s only fifty!” The second Pinkie comes out from under her fountain spout. “Mine was sixty!”

I feel my entire body twitch. How are they not poisoned!?

“Fi- i- i- i- ifty fiiiiiiiiiiive!!” The third says, flying out of the bounce house and landing in my lap, which is rather painful for me given her velocity. These three are going to be the death of me. One of these days they’ll make my head explode, I swear.

Rainbow’s loud snoring ceases. “Keep it down will ya... I’m trying to- wait, there was something we had to do...” Rainbow’s face scrunches up, getting up off the pillow. “Twilight!”

The entire room freezes. “Oh yeah... I forgot.” I admit. “I figured I’d just let her deal with it without me. Besides, her parents have unofficially banned me from their house.”

“But you’re the only one who’s been to her house, we don’t know where it is, that’s why we came to you!” Rainbow says, up in my face, her magenta-red eyes staring at me. “Come on, move it! Twi’s dealing with some serious crap and I’m not gonna leave her hanging for an awesome pillow. Move it!”

“Fine, fine. Sheesh. Protective much?”

“Not protective, loyal. It’s kinda my thing, remember?”

Right. I get up and stretch. “So is Discord staying here or coming with us to see Twi?”

This gets Dash to stop and turn to Discord who looks like he’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s up to something. What he’d be up to and in what location the plan is for being left totally unpredictable.

“Fine he’s coming. But no funny business!” Rainbow huffs and grabs Fluttershy’s tail, the only thing visible of her under the mound of baby cats. As ‘Shy is dragged out, she’s still clutching a few kittens to take with her. Okay, that’s cute.

The Pinkies clean themselves off and trot out the door, Discord and I taking up the rear. I leave a sign on the throne room door telling anyone that we’ve gone ‘Snipe Hunting’ and that we will be back at twenty-five o’ clock.

Along the way we find Applejack messing with Rarity by ‘casually’ pushing her into a mud pit and then rewinding it and essentially make her fall into the mud over and over.

“No! Don’t-” *squelch-ʜɔlɘupƨ*

“-ƚ’noᗡ !oИ No! Don’t-” *squelch-ʜɔlɘupƨ*

“-ƚ’noᗡ !oИ No! Don’t-” *squelch-ʜɔlɘupƨ*

“-ƚ’noᗡ !oИ No! Don’t-” *squelch-ʜɔlɘupƨ*

“-ƚ’noᗡ !oИ No! Don’t-” *squelch-ʜɔlɘupƨ*

“-ƚ’noᗡ !oИ No! Don’t-” *squelch-ʜɔlɘupƨ*

Eventually Rarity grabs the remote before being dunked again and hits one of the ‘channel’ buttons and AJ ends up with an anvil falling on her head, a roll of dynamite blowing her fur off, a giant mallet flattening her into the shape of a pothole with eyes... all of which she bounces back from painlessly, but still looks very unnaturally mutilated for a few seconds after each random affliction. Eventually she holds up a sign that says ‘Help’ on it.

Sighing and chuckling I grab the remote from Rarity, hit the ‘channel return’ button and put it back in my pocket. “C’mon you two, enough. Let’s go see Twilight.”

“Right... Say, could I borrow that for one more moment? I’d just love to see dear Applejack in one of those radio soaps...”

“Today it was mud. Tomorrow it’s th’ hog trough.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’ Ah?”

I shrug. “I don’t doubt it. Seriously though, Twilight time. I’m keeping the remote until then.”

“Fine.”

“Fahn.”

Special Announcement

Hello everybody. I am going to put my story on a temporary hiatus for the time being so I can work on Redshift, my spinoff story which has fallen behind.

In other news, I am going to be at Everfree Northwest this year. I obviously won't have a table or anything set up, but I will be (hopefully) recognizable. I will be wearing a shirt that has the Starlight cover art (the interstellar eye-thing) on the front, and a the-pieman logo on the back. If you see me there and are a fan, I'd love to meet you!