The Great and Powerful Writing Seminar of Obnoxious Awesome-isms!

by RavensDagger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 9493

Trixie teaches you how to write.

Trixie and Twilight lead an... interesting six-day seminar on the elements of a good story. Will amateur writer Generic be able to improve his techniques? Will Twilight hold the crowd's interest long enough to actually teach them something? Will Trixie ever show anypony ANY respect?

The answers lie here, in the Great and Powerful Writing Seminar of Obnoxious Awesome-isms!

Rated T for Trixie.

Published 2012-04-02 02:14:11 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-06 02:42:20 UTC

Day One

DAY 1

Generic stood on the edge of the growing crowd and shuffled his hooves. It wasn’t that he disliked crowds, or that he didn’t want to be part of the event. Far from it, this crowd of ponies was rather quiet and polite, and he did like learning. But the large sign that fluttered in the gentle breeze proclaiming “Writing Seminar” disturbed him. Maybe he would look like an idiot. Maybe they would teach him wrong.

With a grunt, Generic summoned up his courage and stepped into the crowd. Other ponies be damned, he wanted to improve!

Soon he was being jostled and pushed around until he found himself at the very front of the group, not a half dozen hoofsteps from the short wooden stage. The large blackboard that dominated the rear of the stage was clearly visible from his spot. So were the little pieces of quill-shaped decorations and the hastily built side walls, whose construction mistakes were covered by a navy blue curtain.

From here, the hushed tones of pony whispers traveled easily from one end of the crowd to the next. Everypony was shifting uneasily, eagerly awaiting the beginning of the seminar.

He noticed a lavender mare running back and forth across the stage. Behind her trailed a meter-long list with hundreds of checked-off boxes and notes. The list flapped and fluttered as she moved around hurriedly, occasionally hitting the short purple and green dragon that followed her wearing an expression of worry and exasperation. “Come on, Twilight,” he said. “The show has to start soon. Stop worrying about your list and start!”

The unicorn that the dragon had called Twilight twisted around to face the baby dragon. “Spike, I can’t just start! The special guest from Canterlot isn’t here! And if she shows up late then the show is going to be ruined and everypony is going to write badly and it will all be my fau-” Suddenly, a great billowing cloud of confetti exploded right in the centre of the stage, startling everypony into backing away in fright.

“Fear not, little ponies, for the Great and Powerful Trixieis here!” a loud and obnoxious voice from within the puffy blue cloud declared. Slowly, the smoke was pulled away by the wind to reveal a blue unicorn wearing a purple magician's cape and hat. The mare reared on her hind legs and proudly posed for the gaping crowd.

“Spike, pinch me,” said Twilight, her mouth agape.

Slowly, the Great and Powerful Trixie returned to a normal stance and began inching forward towards the curious crowd. “Ponies of Ponyville, today I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, will teach you how to write!” More streamers and little fireworks appeared, flying into the air before they fizzled and popped out of existence.

“Oh, my,” exclaimed a quiet voice from Generic’s right. He turned and nodded to the timid yellow pegasus cowering beside him. ‘Oh my’ was right. That mare looked crazy.

Twilight stepped forward and stood in front of Trixie, her face both resolute and slightly miffed. “I’m sorry, Miss ‘Great and Powerful Trixie,’” she said, punctuating her words with air-quotes, “but this is a serious seminar. And unless you’re the replacement of Miss Lulamoon I’m afraid-”

“Fool, I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, am Lulamoon!” More streamers and confetti. The little dragon ran onto the stage with a broom and pan and began cleaning them off the stage. Trixie gave him a distasteful stare.

Twilight’s tail and mane stood on end. “You’re Miss Lulamoon, the famous editor from the Salt Block!?”

“Indeed! Trixie is also Great and Powerful in the literary arts!”

Twilight groaned and slapped her hoof to her face in exasperation. “This is going to be a long day.” Generic heard her whisper and secretly agreed. She perked up. “Well, might as well get this over with!” Both her urgency and good cheer seemed contagious. Many in the crowd inched forward, until they too stood eagerly at the edge of the stage.

“Alright,” began Twilight, “our goal during this six day seminar is to help you novice writers learn how to... well, write.”

“Indeed! Trixie is disappointed by the decrease in the quality found in the drivel you send to her inbox. And so she is wasting her precious time to teach you blubbering fools!”

Generic was slightly stunned. He knew that his writing wasn't the best, but really, calling it drivel... “Trixie! Maybe one reason the quality has dropped is because you call everypony idiots instead of actually helping them!” said Twilight.

Trixie huffed and looked aside. “Trixie believes that you, too, are a blubbering idiot.”

Groaning, Twilight facehoofed again. “Let’s just get this over with.” Levitating a piece of chalk, the unicorn turned to the blackboard and began to write. “This seminar is spread over six parts. The first is all about the introductions and, later on, basic prose.” Taking a deep breath, she continued. “The subsequent days will proceed as such: Tommorow, dealing with editors, pre-readers and proofreaders. After that, writing tips. The day after that will be about coping with depression and anxiety.” Twilight looked down and grumbled under her breath, “I’ll needthat one if that mare sticks around.” Coughing, she resumed. “And, finally, the subject matter or chosen topic of writing.”

Generic followed the list but only counted five activities. Before he could raise his hoof and politely point it out, Trixie spoke up. “Stupid mare, you can’t even count to six!” Pointing, she laughed cruelly at the quickly reddening Twilight.

“The sixth day,” Twilight huffed, “will be reserved for a Q and Neigh, where we,” she said, glancing pointedly at Trixie, “will attempt to answer your questions.”

“Hmm, fine then. Shall we begin?” Trixie, not waiting for an answer, trotted to the edge of the stage and sat down. Gently, she removed her hat and deposited it on the stage with nary a whisper. The crowd held its breath in anticipation.

“Prose... The common writer and prose have such a love and hate relationship. Prose loves to make the author suffer, and they hate it for that. However, it cannot be denied: if the concept and idea for a story is the recipe, than prose is the dish. While your meal can only be as good as your recipe, you can just as easily botch the cooking process and make beef bourguignon look like decomposing cat food.” Her voice became haughty as she spoke.

Without warning, her expression hardened and she stared daggers at the crowd, many flinching when they saw the look of deep loathing and hatred. “Trixie hates prose.”

Twilight looked at her oddly. “Um... yes, I can... er, understand.” She gulped. “Mastering prose is the first step in writing well. Prose sets the pace of the story and determines the amount of detail a story will have. Good prose can turn an otherwise boring story into a masterpiece. It’s all about the pacing, really.” She sounded a little uncertain.

“Pacing is very important...” encouraged Trixie as she looked at Twilight from behind a half-lidded eye.

“Right! Pacing in a story is everything. It is also one of the biggest aspects of prose after detailing. For example, if the writer wants a scene to move quickly then he or she would add fewer details. The opposite is also true: A slower pace is achieved by adding more depth. Detailing locations, the appearance of characters, perhaps adding tidbits of information that might not yet be important to develop the plot and atmosphere. It also allows for gradual plot and atmosphere building...” Twilight looked at Trixie, willing her to speak up more.

“Maybe an example is in order?”

“Right!” Twilight ran to the far edge of the stage and whispered loudly to the dragon nodding off to sleep. He jumped up, shook his head and listened to her before running off, drowsy-eyed.

“While my inept partner attempts to organize herself, Trixie will explain more about slow pacing. To make the pace slower, the writer may not only add description but also has the opportunity to delve into a character’s mind. Seeing what a character thinks and feels can help the reader sympathize with or hate them. Trixie believes that this is very important in creating a good story.”

Generic thought about it and concurred that it made quite a bit of sense. Maybe the showmare wasn’t so crazy after all.

“Hurry, Twilight, if you stand there mouth agape all day long then Trixie will have to do all the work....”

“Sorry, everypony,” said the blushing mare as she turned to face the crowd. A thin, crackly book floated at her side, wrapped in her purple magic. “Here, we have a fast-paced story. Let me read you a scene as an example of quick pacing.”

She cleared her throat then floated the book over, opened it, and began to read while her levitating chalk wrote along on the board behind her:

“Her attention was stolen as tracers flew past the nose of her fighter. The two bi-planes were rushing towards her, guns blazing as they attempted to get a fix on her little plane.

‘Dammit, leave me alone!’ She applied some rudder and shifted the nose of her plane until it faced one of the bi-planes head on. Both aircrafts fired at each other. Scootaloo flinched but kept pulling the trigger as bullets dinged off of the weak armor that adorned her craft. It couldn’t take much of this.

With a satisfying boom, the Requisitor’s fuel tank caught fire. The resulting explosion sent the flaming body of the ship flying in one direction, while what was left of its wing spun crazily towards the ground below.”

~From “of Steam Gears and Wings

“Stupid self-serving author,” muttered Trixie.

“What?”

“Nothing!” came the bright reply.

“Anyway,” continued Twilight, “As you can clearly see there isn’t that much in terms of description. Rather, more time is spent on showing the action.” Twilight gave the gathered ponies a winning smile; Generic felt his heart flutter. “Now I’ll show you-”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is bored. She has not spoken a full sentence in almost a minute. This shall be rectified!” With a burst of magic Twilight was lifted into the air and carried over to Trixie’s side.

“Whaaa!?” Twilight yelped as she landed with a hollow thump.

Trixie turned to her and flatly declared, “I hate you.”

An awkward silence stretched across the crowd. Even Twilight just blindly stared at Trixie’s face.

Trixie turned to the crowd. “You see? That was boring and dull.”

She turned back to Twilight and bowed onto one of her knees. Slowly she lowered her head until her hat hid her face from the crowd. When her face reappeared, the corner of her eyes were flecked with tears, her muzzle pulled back as she bared her teeth aggressively towards Twilight. “I hate you.” Then she simply got back to all fours and returned to her usual haughty expression.

"The manner in which something is said has a much greater effect than the words themselves. Body language, even in description, is more powerful than dialogue.”

Twilight returned to Trixie’s side with a cough, sparing a glance at the smug showmare from the corner of her eye. “Well, um... right. I think that covers everything...” Twilight levitated yet another long list to her and started scrolling her eyes down it while the crowd shifted restlessly on their hooves. “Ah, we still have purple prose!”

“Pff,” scoffed Trixie. “Trixie sees no challenge in that.” She trotted to the edge of the stage and began inspecting the gathered ponies. Generic fidgeted on his hooves expectantly. “You, the one with the unhealthy obsession with fashion... didn’t I turn your mane green? Bah, whatever. Come, Trixie orders you to help!” She gestured imperiously to a white, purple maned unicorn standing near Generic. The unicorn bristled, offended.

“Why, I’ve never heard such a disgraceful manner of addre-”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not wish to hear your whining. Will you get onstage or not?”

Twilight approached the edge of the stage and whispered to the unicorn. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, Rarity...”

“It’s fine, darling, I’ll play along with that ruffian’s little game.” With unparalleled grace the white unicorn stepped onto the stage and trotted to the centre. “Now, what is it you need me to do?” she asked.

Trixie pointed to the curtains at the side of the stage. “Describe those.”

“Pardon me, deary?”

“What, are you unable to describe a simple curtain?”

Rarity harrumphed as she luxuriously strutted to the side of the stage and picked at the curtain with her hoof, feeling it for a while before speaking. “It is coloured a beautiful deep blue hue, reminiscent of the deep ocean, vivid with the magnificent efflorescence of skilled couturiers. Every stitch is pristine, each interlaced delicately with the other, bringing the form of the fabric together with flawless intricacy. Dare I say it, the quality of this curtain is exquisite!”

Trixie smiled victoriously and turned to the crowd. “Purple prose. Or, the act of over-describing an object.” Rarity glared at her back.

“You.” Trixie pointed to a homely orange mare wearing a Stetson. “Describe those curtains.”

“Whelp... they’re, uh... blue?” said Trixie’s latest target, uncertainly edging her country drawl.

“Come on, a little more,” encouraged Trixie.

“They’re... nice?” The mare struggled on.

Trixie smiled and nodded, then addressed the crowd. “Well? Which did you prefer?” For a few moments the ponies just mumbled in discussion and, before they could reach a unanimous decision, Trixie spoke again. “Her, of course..” Everypony followed her pointing hoof to the confused-looking cowmare. “This other imbecile’s description was nothing but a waste of ink and, more importantly, Trixie’s time.”

Twilight quickly moved to Rarity’s side, holding the fuming unicorn back from pummeling Trixie. Suddenly, the enraged mare broke free, jumped forward and viciously stabbed Trixie in the back with the scissors that had appeared from thin air. Dropping the knife, she screamed in triumph. “Haha! I have defeated you, evil wench!”

Before the shocked crowd, Trixie exploded into a puff of confetti and streamers.

For a few moments the entire crowd stood stunned at the sight of the beaming Rarity and Trixie’s purple hat gently wafting to the stage. Before anypony could scream, there was another explosion and Trixie re-appeared onstage, fireworks and bolts of magic flying everywhere in a glorious display of showmareship.

A long silence stretched out across the crowd. Then everypony ran around in a total display of confusion and chaos. Generic chose to stay where he was, lest he get jostled around in the moving crowd. Perhaps the most confused was Twilight, who just sat staring at the two other mares onstage with an open mouth. Finally, the orange cowmare spoke. “What in tarnation just happened?!”

“That, fillies, was a demonstration of a plot hole. Something unexplained or contradictory that can lead to there being a gap in the plot or a missing piece in a series of events. It can easily confuse the viewer and distract them from events, or make them seem nonsensical. At this point, the Great and Powerful Trixie would like to thank her fabulous assistant Rarity! And remember, if you fail to avoid these plot holes your story will sink the the bottom of Lake Disappointment* faster then your pitiful mouth can say ‘Trixie is best pony.’” Rarity moved back to her position at the front of the crowd, bowing slightly before stepping off the stage.

“Wait, you were in on it?” asked a bewildered Twilight.

“Why, of course, darling! I am so sorry we couldn’t tell you, it would have ruined the surprise. You should have seen your face, though! Priceless!”

“Huh? I mean... wha?” spluttered the confounded Twilight.

“Twilight, the Great and Powerful Trixie demands to know when you’re going to end this boorish event. She requires sleep and the love and adoration of her many fans...” said Trixie, yawning into her hoof.

Twilight fumbled around the stage until she found her recently discarded list. “Um, we still have to cover... prose dialogue.”

“Prose dialogue?”

“Yes.”

“Really, such a boring subject.”

“I’m afraid so.”

“We’ve been dialoguing all day.”

“Well, you see, the ponies need to lear-... wait, who is talking?”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Trixie was. Trixie thinks we have covered the talking head portion of dialogue; don’t stretch out a conversation without covering which character said what... a foal could do it, for Celestia’s sake. If you can’t manage it then you don’t deserve to own a quill. Is there anything else on your blasted list?” She sighed heavily.

Twilight looked over at her list, double-checking, then glanced at the town’s clock tower. “Um, no, we’re all done... but we finished two hours early! Maybe we cou-” She was cut off as Trixie stuffed her hoof in Twilight’s mouth.

“It is over, incompetent ponies. Go back home and stop writing like crud!” Trixie declared.

Twilight pulled Trixie’s hoof from her mouth. “But there are still five more days left to the seminar!”

Trixie turned to face her, a look of horror and exasperation upon her face. “You mean to say that the Great and Powerful Trixie will have to come back five more times!?”

“Well...yes!”

The curses Trixie uttered that day will forever remain engraved in the minds of anypony that stood within a dozen miles of that fateful stage.

As Generic prepared to leave the seminar grounds, his head aflutter with new ideas and tricks, he noticed the unicorn named Twilight rush out from behind the stage. Hovering behind her were a hammer, a box full of nails and a large poster covered in elegant scrollwork.

The mare stopped in front of one of the arches that formed the entrance to the field where the seminar was held. Lifting hammer, nail and scroll with her magic, she nailed it to the wooden arch. Stepping back, she smiled at her slightly crooked handiwork then ran off to take care of some other task.

Generic, curious, stepped over to the poster and read it.

“The purpose of this seminar is twofold.

One, we want to help writers write by giving them simple tips and council on the overall principles of good writing.

Two, we want to make it easy for people to enjoy themselves while learning.

We do not want to tell you how to write. Each individual writer has his or her own style that they must develop over time through trial and error. Pointing out one method of writing and calling it “the one” is the fastest way to kill creativity. And so, we strongly encourage you to take everything we say with a grain of salt and to disregard any and all rules at will. In other words, if you want to write, write.

We will do our utmost to aid you and to give you the tools that we have acquired from experience. None of us are professional, nor do we believe ourselves to be anything more than what we are: novices.

Hopefully you will find this guide seminar to be both entertaining and educational. We strongly encourage you to comment and ask any questions that may bother you, I am sure we will find the time to answer!
There are plenty of other great guides out there too. For example:

-The Editor’s Omnibus

or

-Cereal Velocity’s Pony Writing Guide

We encourage you to look at these as well. They offer great advice that we may not immediately cover and offer a different point of view on certain matters.

-SALT & Rav--- Twilight Sparkle and the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

Comments and questions will be answered within the story (unless the story itself will cover them at a later point), so ask away, mates!

List of authors that worked on this.

*We are in no way associated with Lake Disappointment or any of its subsidiaries. at all.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Disappointment

Day Two

DAY 2

Generic felt much better about attending the seminar that day. When he had arrived at his house the previous night, he had found that writing was a bit easier. Still far from perfect, but easier.

He left home a little early and was happy to see that the spot he had claimed yesterday was still free. Trotting across the trampled grass, he could overhear a conversation between Twilight and a rainbow-maned pegasus who was throwing punches at the air. “Come on, Twilight,” she said, “Let me at her, we can run her out of town like last time!”

“Dash, I’m not sure you’re remembering the last time correctly. Didn’t she run away after an ursa minor rampaged through the town?” said Twilight, a wry grin on her face. “I remember you trying to show off and messing up...”

Rainbow Dash’s face blushed bright red, to contrast her blue coat. “Doesn’t matter, I say we get her out of here anyway.”

Twilight trotted forward and put a reassuring hoof on her friend's shoulder. “Look, Dash, Princess Celestia sent her here for a reason. And you saw her yesterday! She might be a rude, obnoxious, irritating... bah, you understand, but she was very good at what she did. Let’s give her a chance, alright?”

“Hmph, fine. But I’m warning you, first sign of trouble and bam, she’s out!” The pegasus mimicked kicking somepony in the rear.

Twilight giggled and started walking towards the stage. “Thanks, Dash. I appreciate the sentiment.” She hopped onto the stage and went about preparing herself for the second day of the seminar. This time, though, she was evidently not as stressed as the day before. Instead, she seemed to go about the mundane tasks with a renewed gusto.

Generic found a spot at the front of the stage, right beside the same soft-voiced yellow pegasus as the day before. He considered starting up a conversation, but as more and more ponies filled up the space around them, he thought better of it.

Soon after, Trixie stepped up the edge of the stage and fiddled with her cape impatiently. Twilight meekly stepped towards the centre. Trixie, smiling at last, joined her.

Coughing lightly to grab the growing crowd’s attention, Twilight began. “Welcome, one and all, to the second day of the Ponyville writing seminar. Today, my co-host and I will-”

“Co-host!? Trixie is co-host for nopony! You are simply the list-maker, while the Great and Powerful Trixie is the star!”

Grunting non-committedly, Twilight continued. “Right. The Great and Powerful Trixie and I will be teaching you about...” she pulled yet another list from the stack at the edge of the stage, “editors, proofreaders, pre-readers and... reviewers!”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie scoffs at such a mundane subject. It is of no importance to those that are learning to write,” said Trixie with a huff.

“Well,” began Twilight, “it’s very important to those wishing to be published that their work looks as good as possible before they show it to others-”

Rolling her eyes, Trixie snuck up beside Twilight and nabbed her list. Humming, she scrolled down the page, quickly going over the subjects they needed to cover. Finally, with an impatient neigh, she threw the list over her head, stepped to the edge of the stage and began her instruction.

“Editors, ha! Trixie laughs at your incompetent need for the fools. And, yet, she understands the necessity of them despite their arrogance.” She began to pace back and forth, her cape whispering along the ground barely inches from Generic’s face. “Does everypony here know what an editor’s job is? Anypony? No?” She sighed.

“An editor’s job is to take a piece of literature and to make it better, improving it as best they can. But, as Trixie well knows, the degree to which they can do this all depends on their competence, experience, and what type of editor they are. Trixie would like to remind you that all editors waste their precious time reading and correcting the useless drivel you dare to call fiction.” She finished with a haughty harrumph.

“Um, right. Editors try to help you, er... improve your... great pieces of writing,” said Twilight, trying to cover for Trixie’s transgressions against politeness. Tilting her head towards the unrepentant unicorn, she whispered loudly, “Don’t insult them; they’ll leave.”

“Trixie insults whomever she wishes. Seth is a fool.”

“Huh? Eh, nevermind. As I said earlier, there are four main varieties of editors. Let's start with the first, the pre-reader.”

Nodding, Trixie began, “Pre-readers are idiots who are not competent enough to-” she was cut off by Twilight punching her shoulder. She started again. “Their job is simple. They read the work and point out areas that are weak or that need help. They also give their overall opinion on the work. Is it good or bad? Does it have large, glaring plot holes? Is Trixie marvelous at all times? They are the ones who look at your work before it is even given to an editor. They find the big problems and point them out.”

Twilight nodded sagely and crept forward to speak. “Uh-huh. Well, dealing with pre-readers is easy, all you need to do is be nice and respect their opinions. They are, after all, taking some of their time to look over your work. So, be nice and take everything they tell you in your stride.”

“Quite right! Trixie always beats her pre-readers into submission before th-... Why are you glaring at Trixie? Fine. Pre-readers are great, be... nice to them.” She squirmed as if the word “nice” was distasteful to her. “Contrary to popular belief, the nice ponies over at Equestria Daily are not pre-readers, they are beta-readers or reviewers.”

Twilight mumbled something incomprehensible under her breath before noticing that everypony expected her to continue. “Um, right!” She ran to the edge of the stage and began levitating books and sheets of paper covered in notes, looking at each in turn. “I had a list of pre-readers somewhere...”

Trixie sighed loudly. “Disorganized fool, if you don’t pull your act together, people will start to think that you are out of character... Fine, Trixie will give them an address.” She swirled her cape, stared into the crowd, and said “ You can find some almost decent pre-readers there.”

Twilight turned and blankly stared at Trixie. “Haitch tee tee pee what?!”

Trixie facehoofed. “Where do you live, in a cave? Are you not aware of High Tech Tube Ponies? Bah, nevermind. Trixie does not wish to argue over technology with somepony as backwards as you.”

An awkward silence loomed over the crowd as the pair stared daggers at each other. Somepony coughed, making the two mares refocus on their task.

“New subject!” declared Twilight to the relief of all gathered. “Now we will talk about proofreaders. Those are ponies that read a story just before it is posted or published. Their job is to iron out any last minute details, and to point out small flaws in the story that might irk your average reader.

“Proofreaders need to be very patient. Proofreading is incredibly difficult. It requires reading the same section again and again to make sure nothing got away. If you are a proofreader and you notice major flaws in the plot or storyline you can point them out. While it isn’t your job to fix these, nor guide the author in doing so, it is always good to try and lend a hoof in these matters!”

Trixie looked at Twilight, slightly surprised. “Trixie is impressed by your knowledge. She thought she would have to teach these bumbling foals on her own.”

“Um, thanks?” Twilight blushed and glanced away. “Anything else to add on the subject of proofreaders?”

“Trixie approves of the information given. Now hurry onto the next subject, she grows bored.”

“Okay then! Next up is reviewers!” said Twilight with gusto.

“Indeed. Now, Trixie would like to inform everypony of something that bothers her. Reviewers are difficult to deal with. Mostly because they do not directly interact with the author but only with the work, writing a review based on what they think about it and pointing out the major flaws. This annoys Trixie because she cannot have her way with them. They simply read what you wrote then review it, deciding whether or not it is good. Of course, Trixie has never encountered any problems. Everything she does is perfect.”

“Righ-” began Twilight before Trixie cut her off.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie would like to point out to you imbeciles that the best reviewers can be found at: http://saltblock.blogspot.com/. Trixie uses them to get her work accepted by Equestria Daily more often.” She turned to her partner. “So, Twilight. The next subject is...”

“Now, we cover editors. I mean, those that edit. Like, actual editor editors...”

“Trixie believes they understand,” Trixie deadpanned.

“Right. So, editors are possibly the most complicated of the subtypes. Their job is to do everything the other types do, and more!”

“Indeed,” said Trixie. “Trixie would like to remind everypony that editors have no souls.”

Twilight looked at her, expression panicked. “Trixie, you can’t say that! They are real, working ponies that spend countless hours trying to help aspiring writers!”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie disagrees. Anypony that can spend so many hours going over the infuriating mistakes that somepony else has made and trying their best to fix them cannot have a soul. They read your story, then poke at every mistake and error until you make it better. Trixie is impressed.”

“Um... wow. Okay then. Er...” Twilight lifted her list up again, “I think that just about covers everything...”

Trixie scoffed, walked over to Twilight and ripped the list from her hooves. “Evidently you are unaware that there is more than one type of editor editor... editor editor?” She scrunched her face up. “You grasp my meaning!”

“So, there’s more than one kind?” asked Twilight, trying to help Trixie save face.

“Indeed, the Great and Powerful Trixie believes that there are multiple kinds!” She lifted herself on two hooves and tiny fireworks popped in the air around her. Nopony was impressed.

“That is what I said, yes,” said Twilight with a small grin.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will ignore your ignorance and give you the answer instead. Basically, there are different ways to edit a story, and each method has its own consequences. For example, some ponies write an edit like they write a review, with long pages of text that point out major mistakes and go into details about them. This is great for an author that wishes to improve and learn from his or her mistakes. Of course, Trixie’s work never requires such effort to perfect.

“On the other hoof there are editors that will fix everything for you. Unfortunately, these editors can impede your ability to learn from your mistakes. They should be reserved for authors that have no major problems, and need only a little help here and there. Lastly, there are editors that will cover a document with notes regarding anything and everything. They will both explain your mistakes and suggest improvements. These are often the best editors all-round. There are many more types of editor out there, and many more methods of working as an editor. Thankfully, Trixie has never needed their assistance.”

Twilight gave her a disbelieving glance. “Not even once?”

“Never. Trixie is just that good.”

Twilight nodded. “Well, I’d love to watch you write one day.” Her face flushed. “A-Anywho, I think that’s everything?”

“Indeed. In the scenario that one of you foals wishes to actually find an editor, Trixie suggests the terrible place known as ‘ponychan’. They have a thread for people like you.” With that, she disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving Twilight standing awkwardly alone.

Shuffling her hooves, Twilight looked at the crowd. “Uh... see you all tomorrow? Tomorrow’s subject will be punctuation and grammar. I hope you all like the seminar.” With a purple flash, she disappeared in turn.

Generic glanced around at the other ponies. None moved for a few moments, but they soon began to file out one by one. He heard the meek yellow pegasus at his side mutter, “Oh, I hope Twilight’s alright,” before taking off, leaving him alone.

Strangely saddened, Generic followed the crowd out. Perhaps the next day would be more helpful?

Day Three

DAY 3

Generic yawned as he waited, standing in his usual position close to the stage. This time it was Twilight, not Trixie, that was horribly late. The crowd of ponies milled about and fidgeted, eagerly awaiting the arrival of their teacher.

With a fizzing pop, Twilight teleported right onto the stage. Immediately, she bowed her head and set her horn aglow. Dozens of thick tomes and manuscripts appeared and toppled onto the ground on either side of her.

“Pfft, showoff,” said Trixie, looking away and blowing a raspberry.

“Sorry I’m late, everypony! I was busy planning for today's course. We have a lot to cover today, so lets get this seminar started!”

Twilight’s eagerness was contagious. Many in the crowd began to smile and clap as she quickly went about stashing the piles of books in preparation. While Twilight readied herself to begin, Generic recalled that today's seminar was about grammar and punctuation.

Clearing her throat, Twilight began, “Okay! Let’s start with homophones, then move on to comma usage, semicolons, colons, apostrophes, and of course the differences between dashes and ellipses! Then we can tackle parentheses and brackets!”

Generic could already feel his eyelids getting heavier. Trixie interrupted on behalf of the crowd. “You’re playing some sort of joke on Trixie, right?” asked the showmare, doubt written all over her face.

“Oh, ‘your’ and ‘you’re’! That’s a great place to start! Thanks, Trixie,” said a overjoyed Twilight. “‘Your’ is possessive, like, ‘your cape.’ ‘You’re’ is the shortened form of ‘you are’. As in, ‘you are nice!’” Twilight beamed at Trixie, who simply rolled her eyes.

“Now let’s look at ‘its’ and ‘it’s’!” She wrote each word on the blackboard with a floating piece of chalk as she spoke. “They are very similar to the previous pair. ‘Its’ is possessive, like, ‘the cape and its stars.’ ‘It’s’ means ‘it is.’ For example, we could say that it’s getting kinda weird standing here talking to myself while you all glare at me...” Twilight trailed off and shrunk back.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands that if you’re going to try and teach, you at least make the effort to find entertaining examples.”

Twilight shifted her weight uncomfortably. “Well, I’m not all that good at finding examp-”

From nowhere, a pink blur appeared on stage shouting, “Oh, oh, I am, I am!” The blur stopped a few hoofsteps away from a recoiling Twilight and revealed itself as a very pink pony.

“Pinkie?” said Twilight in surprise.

“Yeees, Twilight?” said the exuberant pink mare as she leaned in close, tilting her head to one side and smiling widely.

“Y-you want to help?”

“Why, of course I do, silly! You’re my friend and you need help, and Pinkie Pie is all about helping her friends!”

Twilight frowned with determination. “All right then. Let’s do this.”

“Oh dear. Trixie does not see this ending well.”

Ignoring Trixie, Twilight went on. “Okay, ‘weather’ and ‘whether’. ‘Weather’ is the current climate, and ‘whether’ refers to a choice between two things.”

“Yup!” exclaimed Pinkie. “Like, I wish that the weather today had a few more chocolate milk clouds! But, whether or not that will happen isn’t up to me.” Pinkie brought her hoof to her chin thoughtfully. “Or is it...”

“Ugh, even the pink one is insufferable,” scoffed Trixie. Pinkie stuck out her tongue at the sneering unicorn.

Ignoring them, Twilight looked at her list. “Next is ‘then’ and ‘than.’ ‘Then’ is used for denoting a point in time, while ‘than’ is used in comparisons.”

Pinkie continued in her sing-song tone. “Clarity was a better friend than Two Wheel, but then I killed her.” Every eye turned to the beaming pony.

Twilight stared, coughed, then moved on to the next homonym. “‘To,’ ‘too’ and ‘two.’ ‘Too’ is a synonym of ‘also.’ It can also illustrate an excessive degree of something. ‘Two’ is the number.”

Again Pinkie gave her example in a bright, happy voice. “I was going to the store with Clarity because it was too hot outside and we really needed some ice cream! On the way, we were talking and laughing when suddenly she said that she loved juggling chainsaws! I said that I, too, loved doing that! So, I went to pick two of them out of my emergency chainsaw stash!”

The crowd was becoming restless, hissing with worried muttering and murmurs. Twilight continued, apparently unfazed. “Now, we’re going to cover ‘there,’ ‘their’ and ‘they’re.’ ‘There’ is used in reference to any location that is not ‘here.’ ‘Their’ refers to something that multiple ponies own, and ‘they’re,’ in the same way as ‘you’re’, is a shortened ‘they are.’”

Pinkie’s cheerful litany began again.“‘There’s one!’ I said, before picking up one of my chainsaws and giving it to Clarity. We had to fiddle around with it for a while in the park before it started working, but then, before we could use it, Clarity turned to me and pointed at the other ponies in the park. ‘They’re looking at us funny, Pinkie! We have to end their lives!’” She began to mimic the terrifying gestures her friend had apparently made. The yellow pegasus, who had taken her usual position near Generic’s own, fainted with a squeak.

“And... The last one on my list is ‘effect’ and ‘affect’. An ‘effect’ is the consequence of an action. ‘Affect’ is to cause something to happen.”

"Clarity’s rampage greatly affected the ponies watching! Clarity's terrible crimes had the unfortunate effect of making me have to kill her." Pinkie shook her head sadly, as if she was describing a mere scolding.

“Alright!” chattered Twilight in the heavy silence that reigned over the crowd. “One subject done, only a few to go! Next is... how to use commas. Now this one is fun! In dialogue, these are often used to show very short pauses. There are a lot of ways to use a comma, though. For example, you can use it before a conjunction that separates two independent clauses.”

Pinkie piped up again. “Derpy loves cupcakes, but she loves muffins even more!”

“You can use one after an introductory word, phrase, or clause that comes before a main clause.”

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie, and I love everypony!” She smiled at the crowd intently.

“You can use them around any non-essential words, phrases, or clauses in a sentence.” Twilight kept blithely listing rules, ignorant of the confusion clearly plaguing the gathered ponies. Even Trixie was quiet.

“Applejack bucked the tree, the last in that section of the orchard, before wiping her forehead and bucking Big Mac.” Pinkie Pie giggled.

“What in tarnation!?” came a voice from the crowd.

Twilight kept listing. “They can be used between items in a series...”

“Oooh, that one is fun!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. She began counting off imaginary items. “Hammer, chair, bag, mouse, teddy bear, heavy explosive ordnance package, extra butter, soda, salt, cupcake mixture, bricks, fuses, and keys... Oh, and swizzle straws!”

“You can use them around quotations contained within dialogue, and around a phrase within that quote.”

"’What do you mean, ‘He created the soup from broiled rocks?!’ cried Tom, ‘That can't be true!’” The inflection of Pinkie Pie’s voice changed flawlessly to an adult male’s as she spoke.

“And finally, they can be used before an afterthought or contrasting phrase.”

Pinkie Pie pulled a thick pair of glasses from nowhere and perched them on her snout. “For Equestrian technology, the War of Night was vitally important, far more important than previously thought.”

“Phew! Alright, that’s another section over with. Are there any questions?” Twilight finally looked up at the audience. Not a single pony so much as twitched as they all stared at the happily grinning Pinkie Pie. Even Generic was staring at her wide-eyed. “Perfect, onto the next part: semicolons! These can be used to connect two independent clauses. Never use a semicolon with a conjunction such as ‘and,’ ‘or,’ ‘but’...

“The first use for the semicolon we’re going to look at is when connecting independent clauses. That is, two clauses that could stand on their own, but are in one sentence.”

Pinkie brightly continued her run of examples. “There is a toothless alligator in my bathtub; he has nice eyes.”

“You can also use them to connect two sentences that contain internal punctuation.”

“After hiding the Dalek underneath the stage, the Master knew he had to find a better place soon; his nemesis, Doctor Whooves, would be sure to find it if he didn’t!” A brown pony with an hourglass cutie mark suddenly turned around and charged out of the crowd, leaving a billowing trail of dust behind him as he disappeared into the distance.

“Finally, semicolons can be used as a kind of super-comma, similar to parentheses and brackets.”

“I think that the three cities where it is easiest to buy laughing gas are Ponyville, Manehattan, and Canterlot; or Las Pegasus, Baltimare and Fillydelphia.”

Twilight shifted her weight from one tired hoof to the other, trying to make herself comfortable as she pulled out yet another list. This one, thankfully, seemed short. The faster she finished, the faster the pink pony would leave. “This is a quicker one. Colons. You can use them after an independent clause that precedes a list.”

Pinkie Pie smiled and thought a little before giving her example. “Einstein could remember the names of all the people he had stolen theories from: Candy Muncher, Princess, Moon Essence and Lola.”

“Thank you, Pinkie,” said Twilight absentmindedly. “You can also use a colon to add a second complete sentence that explains or complements the first sentence...”

“Twilight didn’t want to investigate why Pinkie can hover with no means of support: the last time she investigated Pinkie’s strangeness, her house blow up.” The beaming Pinkie floated briefly upwards before dropping back to the stage.

“... When you want to put emphasis on a name or description following a complete sentence...”

“He recognized the beautiful alicorn that was, apparently, everypony’s best friend: Mary Sue.” Pinkie Pie giggled.

“... To separate titles and subtitles...” Twilight took a deep breath as her list continued.

“How to Bake Cupcakes, Chapter One: Picking the Right Friends.”

“... and the last use for colons, everypony, to end a salutations.”

“Dear Trixie: Blah blah blah.”

“Thank you, Pinkie. Your help is invaluable!” Twilight gushed. “Now, let’s move on to apostrophes. They’re usually used to denote possession.”

“Fluttershy’s bunny is named Angel, and he will become one if he keeps mistreating her.”

“But, if it’s a nonspecific possession, there is no apostrophe.”

“The super duper awesome party balloons.”

“If a word is plural, you don’t need an apostrophe. If it’s plural and possessive then you put one after the ‘S.’”

“The ponies’ clubhouse was pretty awesome with all its laser guns.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, but continued. “In a possessive and plural name, the apostrophe comes after the ‘S.’”

“The Cakes’ shop is called Sugarcube Corner. They serve the best, and only, caramel-chocolate-truffle-fudge-flavoured cupcakes in Equestria!”

Twilight let out a relieved sigh. “Thanks again, Pinkie. You’re wonderful!” Twilight floated the list away and pulled out another, this one twice as long as any of the previous. “Next topic is dash-”

“Enough!” Trixie, who had been waiting with increasing impatience in the wings, leapt centre-stage. “The Great and Powerful Trixie cannot take this anymore! You!” she pointed at Pinkie Pie. “You are obviously out of your mind. The ponies who came to see Trixie perform are now fearful and confused. Trixie demands that you return to your seat and remain quiet!”

“Hmmm,” Pinkie thought. “Okie dokie lokie!” With a bounce, the pony skipped back to her place at the front of the crowd. The ponies cleared plenty of space for the crazy mare.

“And you!” Trixie now pointed at Twilight accusingly. “Could you possibly come up with a more boring method of teaching? Ponies are here to learn how to write -from the Great and Powerful Trixie, nonetheless- not how to use dashes properly!”

Twilight’s ears bent back and her eyes widened. “I’m... sorry, Trixie, I only wanted to hel-”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to know just how much of your work has actually made it onto Equestria Daily?”

Twilight looked down at her hooves, her mane obscuring her eyes as she mumbled something inaudible.

“What? Trixie could not hear you.”

“None of it, alright?! None of the things I’ve written have made it! Oh, sure, they say that there aren’t any spelling mistakes and that everything is good. So who cares if my shipfic has been written by a dozen other ponies already?! Who cares if my ideas aren’t original?!” Her eyes welled up with tears.

Trixie frowned at her, then did something that absolutely nopony expected. Walking gently towards the sobbing Twilight, Trixie caught her in a tight hug. “There there. Trixie will make everything better. You remember the topic for the fifth day?”

Twilight lifted her tear-streaked face. “Um... dealing with subject matter?”

“Exactly. Now, Trixie is going to do her best to help you with that. I won’t be here tomorrow, in preparation for the fifth day, alright?” Trixie wiped a tear from Twilight’s cheek. The obnoxious unicorn’s sudden display of kindness and empathy caused the crowd to stand in stunned silence. “Now, do not worry! The Great and Powerful Trixie will take care of your problems with no more than her presence!” Fireworks and streamers ensued.

As it became apparent that the lesson was over for the day, the crowd began to leave. Generic was pensive as he trotted home. Twilight’s emotional state had made it clear that there was a lot more to writing than just getting your grammar right. He resolved to return once more the following day to learn more.

All information for this chapter taken from TheWattsMan’s excellent guide:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OyC8lSdAHOPZeWDvejKhQZ8qMwiYn1g6ux-XKok_IKk/edit

Day Four

Day Four

Generic looked at the melancholy Twilight, waiting at the far edge of the stage, with eyes full of pity. The crowd, even larger than the previous days because of the spreading stories and crazy news, all stared at her in suspense. It was already way past the scheduled time to start, but the eager unicorn who had seemed so occupied with time just didn’t seem to care anymore.

Finally, with a depressed sigh, Twilight trudged to the edge of the stage. “Hello everypony, she said in an unenthusiastic tone. “Today, we’re going to learn about...” She looked to the side of the stage and, with a weak glow, her horn’s magic levitated a piece of parchment over. “Coping with depression. Ha. How appropriate.”

She looked down, letting her mane cover her face as a single tear streaked from her eye to her chin then fell with a small splat on the wooden stage. “Oh, poor Twilight.” whispered the yellow pegasus, in her customary position to Generic’s right, to herself. With a determined frown, she looked up. “I have to help her.” With a few wingbeats, the pegasus flew up to the stage and meekly floated over to her friend, resolutely avoiding the stares from the crowd as she did so.

She gently laid a hoof on Twilight’s back. “Come on, Twilight. I know you’re sad that they didn’t accept your story, but I am sure that if you talk about it you’re going to feel better. And maybe everypony can learn from you?” She smiled kindly at her friend.

Sniffing, Twilight looked up. “Thanks Fluttershy. You’re a good friend.” She stood up with newfound courage. “And you’re right! The show must go on!”

“Great. I am so happy for you.” Fluttershy started flying back towards her spot.

“Sorry for the, uh... delay, everypony. Now, my friend Fluttershy and I will teach you all how to cope with the anxiety of being a writer!” The yellow pegasus froze in mid-air.

“Um, well, Twilight, you see, it’s not that I don’t want to help, but, well, you know how I am with big crow-”

“Excellent! Thank you so much for helping me, Fluttershy. You wouldn’t believe how much this means to me.” Twilight gave Fluttershy a crushing hug, squeezing the blushing pegasus.

“Um... you’re welcome?” said Fluttershy with a squeak.

“Great! Now, let’s get started!”

“O-Okay.”

A long silence engulfed the stage as both ponies remained quiet. Twilight nudged Fluttershy, who jumped slightly and began to speak. “Oh, um, well... If I’m taking care of a hurt animal, it always helps to know what made them hurt, so, um... how about you tell us about what you did to get your story to that point...”

Twilight looked uneasy again. “Okay, I guess that could help... Well, the submission process was rather easy. All I had to do was fill out a form of information about my story, then send it.”

“That does sounds easy,” said Fluttershy, smiling hopefully. Hearts melted throughout the crowd.

“Well, not really. You see, the form has a lot of little intricacies. It’s kinda like they want you to fail. I read and reread it over and over until I was absolutely positive that I hadn't made a single mistake. It is, after all, their first impression of your story. ‘Best to make it perfect,’ I told myself.”

“I see. Then what happened?”

“Well... I had to wait for over three months for their response.”

Fluttershy gasped, “Three whole months?! Oh, poor you, you must have been so worried. And those poor pre-readers reviewers must have so much work to do.”

“I did get one response rather quickly... but it was just a letter that said “Off to the pre-readers.” Not all that helpful, but at least I knew they had seen it. I guess if they hadn't said anything, I would just have sent a bump or something. You know, a polite reminder.” Twilight looked away, knowing what was going to be asked next.

“What happened when you finally got your response?”

Tears stained the edges of Twilight’s eyes. “Th-they refused!” Then, to the crowd’s great surprise, she began to shout. “Those idiots shot down the thing I spent months, years, working so hard on... And all they gave me was a one-page review saying nothing but ‘It’s half-baked and the plot has been used a hundred times before!”

Fluttershy backed away in surprise. “Oh my Twilight, that isn’t very nice. You have to remember that the pre-readers reviewers are also ponies. They work very hard to write reviews for all those stories. I’m sure they didn’t mean to offend you.”

Twilight looked down shamefully. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I did kinda overreact. And maybe those thirty three-hundred-page-long pieces of angry mail were a little bit too much. I ought to be more understanding and patient next time.”

“That’s okay, I’m sure they would be happy to hear that you’re sorry.”

“Yeah, but... that isn’t all...”

“Oh no. What else happened?”

“Well, I also sent my story to this place called FiMFiction. They accepted it right away! But, then ponies commented on it...”

Fluttershy smiled gently, “I’m sure they were all very positive.”

Twilight returned the smile wanly. “Some were, but others... not so much.”

“Oh my. Please tell us, Twilight.”

Twilight gulped. “Well, one stallion by the name of ‘XxSuperponehhatorxX’ said that it was the worse drivel he ever read, and another called ‘TheG&P-TRIXIE!!1’ told me that I should jump off a cliff. Then she started ranting at me about ursa minors.”

“Oh no! How horrible, I can’t believe that ponies would be so mean to you! You don’t deserve that sort of treatment, Twilight. The best thing to do is ignore those bullies and, if they persist, ask Rainbow DAsh to do something about it. she always made my bullies disappear,a then she would bake me a batch of warm cupcakes. But if you can’t do that, I’d suggest that you simply ignore them.”

Twilight sighed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right Fluttershy. I’ll just pretend that it never happened.”

“Oh, not for all of them!” Twilight looked up at Fluttershy, surprised. “Some of them might be a little mean, but they may be right. Maybe some are offering constructive criticism... they’re just a little rude about it. It’s perfectly normal to make a mistake or two. You’re never going to get anywhere without making at least a few! It takes a fall to learn how to stand, and sometimes it takes a flop to learn how to write. Don’t get discouraged, don’t let those meanies tear you down, and just keep doing your best!” Fluttershy had grown more confident and vehement as she spoke. Many ponies in the crowd began clapping their hooves against the ground and a small cheer arose. The shy pegasus turned a deep red and hid behind Twilight, who gave her a supportive smile.

“Come on, Fluttershy! You were doing great!”

The mare reappeared from behind Twilight and, with one last glance at her friend’s smile, continued. “Um, okay. Here goes.” Fluttershy took in a deep breath. “Even some comments that look like constructive criticisms can be nothing more than the opinion of the reader. No author wants to lose their integrity by doing everything their fans tell them but, still, listening to the reader every once in awhile is a good thing! It proves that the author pays attention and listens, and it connects the creator and consumer. All you need to know as an author when it comes to dealing with fans is how to distinguish between somepony’s selfish opinion on your work and somepony’s honest attempts to help.”

Fluttershy turned to Twilight suddenly. “Twilight, can you give me your transcript of your traded mail?”

“How did you know that I kept...” There was a silence as everypony stared at her. “Right...” Twilight magically rummaged through a nearby pile of books and floated the appropriate volume over to the serious-faced Fluttershy, who placed it on the floor and gingerly opened it.

“Thank you, Twilight. Hmm. Well, here we have a message from somepony called ‘idunnolol’. They said ‘This fic was needlessly abstract like French cinema and overly conceptual science fiction. Both of which I have seen and read far too much of.’ This pony clearly had no idea what he was saying. They may not have liked your story, but they didn’t have to be so rude about it. They also let their review be coloured by their own preconceptions, and that’s just bad practice. Now, this pony called ‘sox-R-gr8’ said, ‘Twilight, I find that you have great writing talent. However, I feel you could flesh this out more and get a better impact.’” Fluttershy looked up and smiled happily. Several fainted as the adorable reached critical mass. “Now, this pony wrote something that could be considered a rebuke. But, if you look at it again, you can see that it’s actually quite helpful! So, really, nopony should lose hope in their ability to write just because some no-good, inexperienced meanie criticised their work. You should just try even harder!”

Fluttershy finally wound down her rant. She looked down, hiding behind her mane. “Y-You know, if that’s okay with you...” Another silence gripped the speechless crowd for a while, then they broke out into a cheer. “Oh, no, please, I don’t deserve that. Twilight, make them stop... please?”

The gathered ponies’ hoof-stomping died down. “Um... thank you very much?” squeaked the cowering Fluttershy, and the crowd visibly held back a collective “D’aww.”

Twilight smiled, her confidence having returned a little with Fluttershy’s aid.. “We hope to see you all tomorr-” She was interrupted by a familiar flurry of fireworks and smoke accompanied by Trixie’s piercing voice. The show-stealing showmare emerged from the crackling cloud with a flourish of her cape.

“We?! Trixie shall be the only one to present tomorrow’s instalment! If your debacle of a tale is to be believed, you are the last pony in any position to teach these simpletons on tomorrow’s topic!”

Twilight stole a glance at her notes again. “What? What’s tomorrow’s... Oh. Subject matter. Thanks, Trixie.” With that, Twilight trotted from sight, head bowed. Fluttershy followed her, still blushing fiercely from the crowd’s approval.

Trixie looked down her nose at the crowd and waved a hoof vaguely. “Well, go on. You’re done for today. Scoot.”

The crowd began to disperse, Fluttershy’s speech having warmed their hearts too much for even Trixie’s abrasive nature to get them down. Generic left the field with a spring in his step. Maybe he would submit his latest piece.