Rainbow Dash Becomes A Fagot

by Mark Garg von Herbalist

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 4343

Rainbow Dash drinks one of Twilight's potions and becomes a bundle of sticks.

Rainbow Dash visits Twilight's home to return a book and talk about an obscure subject. She returns the book just fine, but ends up drinking a potion instead of talking about the said subject. Unfortunately for her, the potion turns her into a fagot. A very colorful fagot.

Rated Web-14: Brief violence and language, and really stupid humor.

(Made some edits because why not?)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-25 16:20:03 UTC

No, Seriously, She Does

Rainbow Dash soars through the clean, pure tasting air of Ponyville. Her majestic wings carry her proud and the wind blows past her mane and pristine feathers, blowing away the beads of sweat that cling to her toned body.

She closes her eyes and grins blissfully as she expands her wings to their full length and lets them carry her across the sky in a gentle glide. When Rainbow Dash opens her eyes again, she sees her destination is only a few seconds away. She checks her saddle to make sure she has what she needs, and being satisfied that it is still there, she launches herself towards the tree house.

A sonic boom tears apart the sky, leaving a trail of rainbows in Rainbow Dash's wake, and when landing, she digs her hooves in the dirt, skidding to a halt with a gaping gash behind her. She looks over her shoulder as she shakes off the clumps of dirt from her hooves and chuckles at the sight of a trench she made from her landing.

“Oops,” she says to no one in particular. Then she shrugs and strolls inside.

The cool air is another blessing to her, and she smiles when she sees Twilight's eyes scanning a book filled with botany diagrams as she halfheartedly puts another book away with her magic. She is too wrapped up in her reading to notice Rainbow Dash or to realize that she is putting her botany book with the biology books.

Rainbow Dash trots over to Twilight, pulls out a book titled Daring Do and the Last Expedition from her saddle, and sets it down in front of the adorable bookworm. She still doesn't notice what is going on, though, so Rainbow Dash does the next best thing.

She taps Twilight's head.

“Knock, knock,” teases the Element of Loyalty.

Twilight looks up, blinks a couple of times, then smiles at Rainbow Dash. “Oh, hey there, Rainbow Dash, I didn't even hear you come in.”

Spike walks by the two mares and puts a container of blue juice next to a potted plant that is near Twilight. This immediately catches Rainbow Dash's attention and makes her realize just how thirsty she really is. The juice in the container looks absolutely delicious with the semi-clear, blue liquid calling her and the droplets of moisture begging her to take them in her hoof and drink them up.

“Here's the book I borrowed and I gotta talk to you about Fluttershy and that Filthy Rich guy,” says Rainbow Dash, her eyes having difficulty breaking away from that temptress drink. “Oh, and I need to borrow fifty bits to buy some super cleaner stuff to get a pretty big stain out of Thunderlane's couch.”

“I'm broke, so you'll have to to Rarity for some money. But what's wrong with Fluttershy?” asks Twilight.

That news breaks Rainbow Dash's eye contact from the liquid. “You're a Princess! You got a million ponies paying you! How can you be broke!?”

“The last census actually put Equestria's estimated population at thirty eight million, eight hundred and fifty thousand, six hundred and fifteen ponies with the population growth rate at-”

“Boring!”

Twilight rolls her eyes. “Only to you. But I'm still broke because of certain... things. Now what was this about Fluttershy?”

Rinbow Dash rubs the back of her neck. “Well, it's actually kinda hard to explain. I mean, I saw Fluttershy and Filthy Rich go to AJ's barn with a toaster and a pineapple, and... You know what? Screw it. Fluttershy can wait. Is that blueberry juice?”

“Well, not exactly,” says Twilight. “It's more of a-”

"Good enough!"

Rainbow Dash swipes the container off the table and chugs it all down in one big gulp, leaving Twilight's eyes bulged and jaw to the floor.

Rainbow Dash licks her lips and rolls her eyes to the ceiling, carefully analyzing the taste that has left her mouth feeling like cotton. After seconds of careful analyzing, she finds a prickly feelings going all through her veins and the fact that her skin feels like it is drying to be an unacceptable side effect to the refreshment.

“This blueberry juice is gross,” says Rainbow Dash as she puts the container down.

Twilight and Spike follow Rainbow Dash with their eyes when she starts towards the kitchen, muttering about getting a real drink.

“Rainbow Dash, that's wasn't blueberry juice! That was one of my potions!”

Rainbow Dash looks over her shoulder. “What?”

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash disappears in a bright flash of light and an explosion of sparkling smoke!

Twilight and Spike both cough and wave at the thick, white haze while the sounds of a hundred tiny objects clatter to the ground.

Twilight gasps. “Oh, no.” Her horn glows and all the smoke disappears in a flash of purple light to reveal a good sized pile of sticks, mostly blue with some white and the rainbow colors that make up the Element of Loyalty's mane, tail and cutie mark. Twilight slumps to the ground, groaning. “Oh, no!”

“Oh, boy,” sighs Spike.

“Spike! Where's my book of potions!?”

“Somewhere here.”

“SPIKE!”

“All right, all right, I'll go find your potions book that should have been right here but is no longer here because somepony put it away. And probably in the wrong spot because you can never find anything here, despite your unhealthy obsession with organization.”

“GET THE BOOK!”

Spike sighs and begins his search with a shake of his head when the door opens. The two occupants turn and Spike's eyes turn to hearts and a desperate puppy smile complete with a hanging tongue. Twilight, however, grins anxiously and slides in front of the big pile of sicks that Rainbow Dash had become.

“Twilight, darling, how are you this fine evening?” says Rarity, putting heavy emphasis on her Trans-Atlantic accent with “darling” as she strolls in with a friendly smile.

“Oh, I'm fine. Just fine. We're all fine, aren't we, Spike?” says Twilight, looking to her dragon assistant for help.

“Oh, yeah, she's fine, all right,” says Spike, now drooling. He goes back to work when Twilight waves him away, scowling deeply.

Rarity forces a chuckle, then puts her focus back on the Element of Magic. “Twilight, I'm actually here because Sweetie Belle's pineapple has gone missing. You wouldn't happen to have any clue as to where it might be, would you?”

“No, I haven't a clue about any pineapples. Can you please go? I have an emergency,” says Twilight nervously as her eyes shift between the colorful pile of sticks and her generous -and obviously better looking- friend.

“I thought you said everything was fine.”

“Well, I lied. I have an emergency, and it requires peace and quiet to fix.”

“Oh, trust me, I know all about emergencies,” says Rarity with a flick of her mane. “I was supposed to meet Fluttershy for our weekly spa trip, but she said something about going later than usual since she was going to get filthy for a project of some kind and didn't know how long it would be. I really couldn't quiet understand what she was talking about. I swear, that poor girl hasn't been the same ever since Pinkie Pie dug up that toaster from the buffalo burial ground and gave it to her as a birthday present.”

And in comes an odd moment of silence. Not a word is shared as Twilight squints at Rarity with a slightly open mouth, and Rarity doesn't notice Twilight's expression since she is in deep thought.

“Or maybe her odd behavior has something to do with you turning her into that horrible bat abomination a while back,” muses Rarity seconds later.

“Gee, thanks, Rarity. Can you get out of my house, now?” says Twilight irritably, now trying to push her friend out the door.

Rarity slides a couple of feet across the floor before she starts walking on her own. But not without giving Twilight her own stare of annoyance.

“Oh, all right, you don't have to be so pushy about it.”

Rarity's annoyance disappears into curiosity when she looks over her shoulder and sees the rainbow pile of sticks not too far from Twilight. She stops and stares at it for only a second before her eyes sparkle and a heart warming smile spreads across her muzzle. Before Twilight has a chance to say anything, the high maintenance unicorn zips away from Twilight and stands mere inches from it, glowing with childish glee.

“Ooh, what a colorful fagot!” coos Rarity. Then her smile turns malicious and the area around her eyes darken as horn glows to grab a random broom and dustpan. “Time to sweep it up.”

With the instruments of dirt  in her magical grip, Rarity looms over the bundle of sticks that Rainbow Dash has become like the Grim Reaper's very attractive personal assistant. While this happens, Spike watches Rarity with hearts in his eyes and drool dripping from the corners of his stupid smile as he works. Then there is Twilight, who is now screaming at Rarity in a fit of panic with her hoof extended and eyes ready to explode from how large they have become.

“Rarity, stop! Don't sweep up that bundle of sticks!” cries Twilight.

Rarity ceases all motions and looks at Twilight quizzically with the broom and dustpan on standby. “But, Twilight, I was merely trying to move this colorful fagot off the floor so nopony would step on it.”

“You were going to throw it in the garbage!” accuses Twilight.

“Well, of course I was. You don't want these filthy things in your house. They are breeding grounds for bugs, dirt and nature enthusiasts.”

Unbeknownst to Rarity, Spike just happens to be moving a book titled Nature Enthusiasm for the Mentally Inferior with Twilight's name scribbled on it when she says this.

Twilight frowns. “What's wrong with nature enthusiasts?”

“Everything,” states Rarity snobbishly. “They lack proper grammar, personal hygiene, and a good sense of fashion. Plus, they have to say 'like' in every sentence. An annoying, dirty bunch is what they are.”

“They sure are,” drones Spike stupidly as he puts the book in its proper place, earning him a sharp look from Twilight.

“Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get this fagot out of your house.”

Twilight sputters incoherently as Rarity comes ever closer to weeping up Rainbow Dash, and right as the broom touches the blue sticks, she find finds her voice.

“That's Rainbow Dash!” yells Twilight.

Rarity recoils instantly.

“That's Rainbow Dash?” she asks, suddenly uneasy about her decision to remove the fagot.

“Yes!”

“Oh my.” Rarity floats the broom and dustpan to a spot by the front door. “I never knew she would become a fagot. I mean, it is obvious from her mane that she is a lesbian, but her being an actual fagot? This is certainly new.”

“Rarity, you are just asking for Rainbow Dash to punch you,” says Twilight deadpanned.

“And how will she do that? Please be realistic, Twilight. What sort of punishment can a fagot inflict on me?”

Twilight stomps her hoof and tilts her head back, screaming in aggravation. “Stop saying 'faggot'! Do you realize how offensive that is to certain ponies?”

“Stop living in the past, Twilight. Nopony uses such outdated insults for sexually challenged stallions anymore. I actually heard that 'anus raider' is in this year in Appleloosa.”

“RARITY!”

“But I digress. Rainbow Dash is now a bundle of sticks, therefore she is a fagot. I will not compromise my vocabulary for political correctness. Especially if the politically incorrect insult is severely dated.”

With that final statement, Rarity tilts her nose in the air in defiance of Twilight's request, and before the Bearer of Magic can rebuke her generous friend, the door opens once again. Or, in a more accurate sense, it is flung wide open hard enough to bang against the wall, making the two unicorns jump back in defense of whatever horrible creature has barged in.

However, that horrible creature turns out to be none other than the absolutely adorable, supremely cuddly, and awesomely kind Fluttershy. Her majestic pink mane and tail drag behind her in the wind as she bounces towards the two with a great big smile.

“Girls, you won't believe what I just tasted for the first time!” says Fluttershy proudly.

Rarity and Twilight hold their smiles with painful cringes as the normally timid pegasus gallops towards the fagot that is Rainbow Dash. They release a breath of relief and relax in their spots when Fluttershy comes to a stop with a trail of lingering dust behind her. Seeing the vibrant bundle of sticks, Fluttershy gasps and kneels down to get a better look.

“Oh my goodness, what a lovely bundle of sticks. Can I use them for my nest?” asks Fluttershy whimsically.

“NO!” snaps Twilight as she uses her magic to snatch Rainbow Dash away from Fluttershy.

Fluttershy backs away and hides her adorable eyes, now pooling with tears, behind her large pink mane. “Oh, I-I'm sorry, Twilight. I didn't mean to make you mad. I just thought they were pretty and would have loved to use them for my chickadee nest.”

Rarity steps next to Fluttershy and puts a comforting hoof around her shoulder while glaring poisoned tipped, diamond daggers at the defacto leader of their group. Twilight immediately recognizes her crime and sighs and droops her ears while her head lowers in shame.

“I'm sorry, Fluttershy,” she says, “but I can't let you use that pile of sticks for your birds because it is actually Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy's eyes grow quicker than the Equestrian national debt and her jaw locks tight as she looks back at the pile in wonder. Rarity, however, tilts her nose in the air and uses her hoof to adjust her mane while slightly turning her head from the other two.

“The term is fagot, Twilight. Please try to be proper with your vocabulary,” interjects the fashionista marshmallow mare.

Now it is Twilight's turn to stare at Rarity, but this time she has magically enhanced daggers bound with demon souls to use as her eye daggers. Rarity's defense is unbeatable, though, and meets Twilight's gaze with a cool, half lidded look and small frown. While the two unicorns have their stare down, Fluttershy cautiously raises her shaky hoof.

“Um, Rarity, isn't... Isn't-” Fluttershy swallows “-faggot offensive?”

“Only to butt pirates,” says Spike with a smirk.

Twilight snaps her hoof to her bedroom and narrows her eyes on her scaly assistant. “Go to your bed!”

Spike groans and stomps away with his head down and fists balled to his sides, grumbling: “You never let me say anything offensive.”

Right as Spike slams the door shut to the only bedroom, the tree house door is opened once more.

Twilight growls and stomps her hoof. “Oh, what now!?”

Her annoyance dissipates into curiosity, and Rarity and Fluttershy take a step back when a massive barrel of cider rolls in front of the entrance, completely blocking the outside world from view. They exchange looks when it starts sliding towards them, with Applejack grunting and muttering polite swears as the wooden and metal build scrapes against the ground to get inside the tree house.

“C'mon now, ya piece o' dung,” grumbles Applejack as the barrel inches closer inside.

Applejack gives one last, loud and drawn out grunt, and with a push that only an Apple can do, the barrel slides forward with a burst of great speed. The three mares gasp with horror and put their weight against the barrel, stopping it just shy of the rainbow colored fagot.

“Whoo-wee, that was a big one,” chuckles Applejack as she walks around the barrel, completely oblivious to the three mares that are now trying to calm themselves down. She rolls the barrel towards Twilight's basement, still clueless, while speaking. “Here's that barrel of expired cider ya wanted, Twilight. Right on time, too!”

Rarity and Fluttershy look at Twilight, and she flashes a nervous smile and takes a step back while her wings flap slightly.

“Science project,” she says.

“Of course,” says Rarity skeptically.

Applejack sets the cider upright by Twilight's basement, then she takes off her stetson, shakes out a rag and uses it to wipe sweat off of her brows. Then she sees Fluttershy and her proud smile snaps to a harsh glare. This makes the shy pegasus shrink away and avert her eyes to the floor.

“Well, lookie who it is. Fluttershy, I know bein' mean to ya is kinda off limits, but right now, I don't care,” says Applejack angrily. Naturally she doesn't pay any mind to the unpleasant looks she is receiving from Twilight and Rarity. “I don't know what you and Filthy Rich did, but you two had gone and made a huge mess all over mah barn and it ain't comin' out easy. There's no way I'm gonna let Apple Bloom see all that stuff, either, so yer gonna grab Filthy Rich and help me and Big Mac clean it up, ya hear?”

“Well... Um... Okay,” whispers Fluttershy.

“What makes you think Filthy Rich, of all ponies, will clean anything?” says Rarity snidely.

Applejack looks at Rarity. “I got my ways.” She looks back at Fluttershy. “If he refuses, just tell him I said 'New Years at the pond' and 'cranberry sauce', got it?”

Fluttershy's mane bob from her head nodding so hard, and Twilight and Rarity stare at the farmer with their eyes crazy large as their brains try to piece together what Applejack means by the pond and cranberry sauce. While this happens, Applejack just happens to look at the ground to see a good sized pile of colorful sticks.

Applejack looks at the bundle with a raised brow and unimpressed frown. “Why'dja paint those sticks in all them colors?”

Twilight blinks back into reality. “Huh? Oh, um, that's Rainbow Dash!”

Applejack looks at Twilight, now more confused than anything. “What?”

“That fagot is Rainbow Dash,” says Rarity nonchalantly.

Twilight's mane erupts with flame. “DAMN IT, RARITY! STOP SAYING 'FAGGOT'!”

“Oh my, Twilight's swearing,” says Fluttershy as she slinks behind Rarity, who is showing absolutely no signs of being intimidated by Twilight's sudden transformation.

“How in the hay didja turn Dash into a pile o' sticks!?” says Applejack, also uncaring of Twilight's flaming unicorn of death transformation.

Twilight's flames go away and she slouches on the ground, sighing heavily. “Well, it was sort of my fault, and long story short-”

Twilight's story is cut shorter because her window suddenly explodes! Everyone screams and shields themselves as shards of glass and splintered wood that showers over them with the guidance of a pink blur rolling inside. The blur turns into Pinkie Pie, and she rolls upright, skids across the floor and hops a couple of times to get herself to stop, all while speaking without a care in the world.

“You guys! You won't believe the obscure thing I just saw Fluttershy do in Applejack's barn!” says the pink ball of fun.

Her final hop, however, is right on top of the defenseless pile of sticks that Rainbow Dash became. The bundle snaps, pops and cracks, and pieces of it twirl away and disappear in the expansive lobby. Needless to say, everyone releases a horrified gasp that leaves Pinkie Pie confused.

“Oh my gosh! You killed Rainbow!” cries Twilight.

Applejack shakes her hoof. “You bastard!”

[[[[[O]]]]]

“You bastard!”

“You bastard!”

“You bastard”

“You bastard!”

Applejack's angry, sexy, Southern accent echoes in Rainbow Dash's mind as her dilated eyes stare straight ahead at the wall. In her hoof is an empty glass container that is thinly coated with remains of the blue potion. Her jaw is slack and her tongue is out, leading to drool pooling in her mouth and dripping to a puddle on the recently polished hardwood floor.

The rest of the Main Six stare at Rainbow Dash, each with their own levels of concern, and they wince when the drugged up pegasus' eyes start drifting in different directions.

“Ho boy, that don't look right,” says Applejack uneasily.

“Is she going to be okay?” asks Fluttershy worryingly.

Twilight casts a concerned look at the timid pegasus. “ I honestly don't know. The potion wasn't even finished when Rainbow Dash drank it.”

“Why on earth did you even give it to her?” asks Rarity.

Twilight snaps to Rarity, very much annoyed. “Do you honestly think I would give any of you untested, much less an incomplete, potions just for the fun of it?”

Everyone mutters and waggles their hooves this way and that as their eyes drift around the spacious lobby of Twilight's home, each pondering Twilight's question. Needless to say, Twilight is not amused by this, and it is only more amplified by her half lidded eyes and tight jaw.

“Really?” says the bookworm flatly.

Applejack looks at Twilight with an accusing glare. “'Really', ya say? What about that one time ya gave me yer 'special' apple juice? That was no accident, and ya and Spike certainly spared no giggles for the Hell I went through.”

Twilight points at Applejack. “I already told you that I was high from Bon Bon's candies when that happened, and me and Spike already apologized, too.”

“Apologies can only do so much, Twi. I'll never look at pineapples and toasters the same way again.”

Applejack looks down, shuddering with her eyes squeezed shut, and Twilight rolls her eyes, groaning.

“Oh, stop bickering, you two!” scolds Rarity.

“It looks like Dash Attack is gonna do something cool!” says Pinkie Pie.

All eyes go on Rainbow Dash, and at first she does nothing. But then her ear twitches. Then her eyes blink with her left eye blinking faster than her right eye. And then her wings expand and her bones start shaking as an odd, extraterrestrial humming noise radiates from her body. Everyone takes a step back and their faces contort to shock and disgust as the pegasus's skin rips, her muscles tear and her bones snap and pop. They shield their eyes with their hooves when jets of blood spray out from the grotesque openings, and before anyone can say or do anything else, poor Rainbow Dash turns inside out and explodes.

Everyone is deathly silent as they stare at the bloody splatter all over Twilight's floor, wall and ceiling. Bits of Rainbow Dash fall from the ceiling and land with a wet splash on the floor, and no one's brains make any attempt to command their bodies. They are frozen in shock, covered in Rainbow Dash's blood and they have no idea what to do.

Finally, Fluttershy's eyes shift between the gore splattered all over her body and Twilight's home, and then she looks up, scowling at Twilight, as a meaty strip of pegasus slides off her face. “Um, what the fudge just happened?”

[[[[[O]]]]]

Rainbow Dash screams awake with a racing heart and shaking body coated in cold sweat. Thunderlane stirs next to her, but he only mumbles something unintelligible and smacks his lips before turning to lay on his back on the couch instead of waking up.

Rainbow Dash's widened eyes relax to a droopy state and she picks up a half empty bottle of cider standing next to a greasy box of Papa Don's Pizza that is filled with half eaten slices of fish pizza.

She checks the bottle and sees that it is expired, and when she sniffs it, she recoils slightly from the wretched scent. However, her recovery is quick and her careless shrug and gulp comes quicker. With the bottle now empty, she burps quietly into her hoof and tosses it away to a pile of more empty bottles of cider and soda and expired coupons for Klumsy K's.

She hears someone talking and tense, sci-fi music playing, and she shifts her eyes to a movie she forgot that she and Thunderlane had been watching before they passed out.

On the screen is a blonde coated unicorn with a dirty blonde mane wearing a sharp suit talking to a pair of earth pony stallions wearing colorful, but mismatched clothing that does not fit them well. They both appear to be short on brain cells and one has a dark, mushrooming head of mane, and the other has a considerably shorter, but really curly, blonde mane. Behind them is a blood splattered advertisement for a toaster surrounded by pineapples with dead ponies all around the room.

“So, are we going into a dream?” asks the curly maned stallion.

The unicorn in the suit shakes his head. “Not just a dream. We will be going in a dream *inside** a dream.”*

“Whoa! What will be doing when we go into the dream-dream?” asks the dark maned stallion.

The unicorn looks at that stallion. “We'll be going into another dream.”

The two earth ponies beam, and in stoner-joy unison, they shout: “Excellent!”

They then stand on their hind legs and pretend to play electric guitars, which brings out a short, but epic, electric guitar solo.

Rainbow Dash blinks again. Then she looks at Thunderlane, who is still sleeping soundly on the couch, hugging his cushion as an excellent replacement for a teddy bear. The tired Element shakes her head and looks at the bootlegged cover of the epic movie that will remain unnamed to read the back. She huffs at the disappointing description that has been typed in Spanish on a cheap paint program and slumps back on the couch, staring straight up at the ceiling, trying to decipher what the dream meant. When her tired mind comes up with the grand blank board of nothingness, she groans and throws her hooves down in aggravation, screaming: “What the hell!?”

Her hooves inadvertently slam against Thunderlane's groin, making him yelp awake and fall off the couch on the not so soft carpet, holding his injured pride with tears swelling in his eyes.  And not a single apology is offered that night.

---THE---

---END---