R.I.P.cord

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Discord, Prince Blueblood, Princess Celestia
Length: 2151

Discord fakes his own death.

Discord gets bored and fakes his own death.

He intends to ensure that his 'funeral' is an interesting one.

Published 2014-04-27 16:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-27 16:20:02 UTC

The Day Chaos Died

0-0-0-0-0

As the embodiment of chaos itself, Discord had pretty much seen it all.

He had lived for millennia, been trapped in stone, wreaked havoc left and right. Discord had gone hiking on the moon (which was horridly boring) and scared the bejibbidy out of colts and fillies even when it wasn’t Nightmare Night. He was the incarnation of mayhem, a sight to behold and a wonder amongst the world of the living.

He was also unbearably, insufferably bored.

Discord yawned as he coiled through the air like a lazy python, stretching in tedium as he stared at the bubblegum colored ceiling of his room in Canterlot Castle. What was the point of being a living god of chaos if he wasn’t allowed to spread chaos now and then? No, Celestia only wanted him to use his powers for ‘good’ now, only wanted to show him off to her peers. He was so bored that he was tempted to pour chocolate milk all over that prissy Blueblood again just to watch the stuck up stallion go into a hissy fit. But that would result in reactions from Celestia, which would likely entail something awful.

It was aggravating, and Discord wouldn’t have much more of it.

But then again, it was better than being trapped in stone. He might as well be d-

“OOH!” he clapped his mismatched hands together as a completely dastardly plan began developing. “I think I’ve got just the idea… and my semi-villainous monologue proves it! Bwa-hahahaha!” Discord cackled manically, lightning crashing in the distance.

Discord’s door swung open, the princess of the sun staring at him flatly.

“Don’t even think about it,” Celestia deadpanned, and Discord froze in place. Oddly, so did the lightning in the background.

“Think about what?” he asked innocently, tapping his talons together. “I try not to do that, it’s bad for your brain.”

“Discord, it is blatant that you are planning something that I doubt I would agree with,” she frowned hard as he attempted to smear the lightning out of the sky with his paw, only slathering a bright light across the clouds. “And kindly stop altering nature, you’ve already driven four of Canterlot’s weather patrol to early retirement.”

“Whaaaat?” he shrugged with his best winning smile, which unfortunately wasn’t very convincing in the slightest. “I have no idea whatever it is that you’re talking about, Titi. Swearsies.”

Celestia pursed her lips, clearly unconvinced.

“I mean it, Discord,” she warned him. “You’re going to regret whatever you’re planning this time, just let it go. Take a day off, go finish a landscape painting.”

He jabbed a thumb out the window at the unmistakably marred sky, which was coated in smeared frozen lightning and tarnished, mashed together clouds where he had attempted to cover his mistake.

“Actually, just go bowling.”

“You’re no fun!” Discord called dramatically after the princess as she cantered away. “Just because you can’t understand my amazingly tortured artist’s soul doesn’t mean everything I do isn’t still magnificent!”

“I kind of doubt that you’re any kind of artist,” one of the passing guardsponies behind a sauntering Blueblood stated. The prince started to speak, but instead tossed his head in the air and carried on behind his aunt. Which Discord was actually glad for, because he hated the arrogant unicorn with a passion.

“The world is my canvas!” Discord threw up his hands in agitation. “I’m just misunderstood and picked on! What have I ever done to anypony?”

“You turned my house into an elephant.”

“Oh, hey. Was that your house?” he snickered. “Yeah, that was hilarious.”

“My wife divorced me because of your stunts,” the guard stated emotionlessly.

This only made the draconequus laugh harder.

0-0-0-0-0

Discord paced back and forth, his ‘brilliant’ plan coalescing into something wonderful.

In his opinion, that is.

The moment that the moon was high and the clock struck midnight, Discord peered about to ensure that he was indeed alone. Seeing that it was safe enough, he slithered back into his guest room and began weaving intricate patterns of disorder through the air. Firstly, he would need a scapegoat…

A mirror image of himself slipped right off of his body, falling to the floor with a dull thunk.

Discord stared down at his lifeless form with a frown, cupping his goateed chin in his paw.

“Hmm…” he mused aloud. “Now, maybe a touch of… yes, that’ll do nicely.”

He wreathed himself in shadow, slithering upward to the ceiling and slipping through a miniscule crack. Winding his way with ease like an oily shade, Discord’s concealed form shifted and warped through the castle until he found his target. Not bothering to hide his already unseen grin, Discord crept downward to the yawning guardspony, who held a spear over one shoulder.

In one fell swoop, Discord dropped over him and yanked himself off almost immediately, dragging a replica of the brown stallion’s body with him.

The guard didn’t even notice.

Resisting the urge to snicker madly, Discord hauled the flopping facsimile loudly through the wide halls, making a mad dash for his room. Slamming the door behind him and tossing the lifeless empty body into the air, Discord hurtled himself right into it and landed with surprising grace.

“Boo yah!” he cackled, rubbing his newfound hooves together. His voice sounded much different from his own, which he had anticipated. Rougher, and a little higher pitched. With the same gleeful smirk, Discord tapped a hoof against the cool floor and magically produced a tall mirror for him to inspect himself with.

He did not necessarily like what he saw.

“Blech,” he poked his own belly. “Somepony’s been slacking off on the job. I really should talk to Titi about her shoddy guards,” Discord scratched his chin, already missing his goatee. His black mane and tail felt odd on his body, like they didn’t belong.

Quickly making the mirror dissipate and tossing the comatose draconequus body onto his bed, Discord’s grin grew even wider in expectation of just how amazing his little prank was going to be if he pulled it off. Discord, the immortal god of chaos, indestructible and beyond true comprehension, dead? Impossible, they would cry!

And he was willing to bet that Luna would probably cry a little too. He felt a sting of guilt for that, but pushed it to the back of his mind. Sacrifices had to be made for great pranks.

He scratched his chin in thought again, scowling as he tried to touch a goatee that wasn’t there. Another tap of his hooves solved that problem.

There were some things that just couldn’t be sacrificed.

But before he settled into the next phase of his plan, he needed just one more personal touch…

And with that, Discord began creeping toward Prince Blueblood’s private chambers.

0-0-0-0-0

“What is this?” Celestia curiously peered over the harried guards and servants of the castle, currently surrounding Discord’s room. “What’s going on over here?”

“This way, Princess, this way…!” one of the guards hurried her with urgency, his comrades corralling everypony else back to make room for their ruler. “You need to see this, quickly!”

Celestia cantered swiftly through the splitting crowd, concern growing in her eyes as she did so.

“Discord,” she began dangerously, trotting cautiously into his personal room. “Discord, what have you done this time?”

Her voice faltered when she saw the draconequus draped calmly over his racecar bed that he had demanded upon since his arrival, tail comically thrown over his lip like a mustache.

“He-he was like this when we found him this morning, Princess…” one of the maids stated feebly.

“Discord,” Celestia sighed heavily through her nostrils, trotting right up to him. “You don’t have to play dead to get a little attention, you kn-”

Her voice died again when he failed to respond, and she checked his pulse.

“… No,” she breathed quietly, disbelief evident in her voice. “… It can’t be.”

Celestia focused her magic immediately, settling a glowing yellow light over his body for a few moments.

She found no sign of life whatsoever.

But how could a god of chaos just up and die?

Looking more closely, Celestia noticed that it was so silent that she could have heard a pin drop as she pulled the crumpled note out of his stiff and cold paw. She started to read it to herself, but cleared her throat and began to speak aloud when she saw her outright horrified sister standing with the others.

Dearest Princess,

You have been an absolute jerk to me lately. I feel cramped up all the time. You never let me do what I want, all I ever get is criticism, and you shouted at me the last time I stuffed pudding in the toaster. So, I’m doing what I have to do and now I am running away. And by running away, I mean that I no longer wish to live with you insufferable buttheads.

See you in the afterlife, bastard-face.

Lots of love,

Discord.

It was dead silent for the longest time.

Discord held his breath as he hid in his pony body, fighting the urge to giggle. Any moment now, Celestia was going to flip her lid, Luna would go absolutely bonkers, the whole place would be absolutely mad with grief!

Silence stretched on for a while afterwards, until Celestia finally placed the note back down on Discord’s body, wordlessly turning to the crowd. She and her sister shared a look that must have been a kind of special bond between them, because each of them shared a sad, knowing expression without saying a word.

“Do you have any idea what this means, my little ponies?” Celestia asked softly. Discord’s confusion began to grow, very much at the same time as her grin.

“It’s time to par-tay, sister!” Luna clapped her hooves together, cheering. The crowd swelled with similar cheering, leaving Discord utterly baffled. And even a little hurt, though he wouldn’t admit it.

“He’s gone!” Celestia applauded with her, eagerly flaring her wings. “He's finally gone! My little ponies, this calls for a grand celebration! The death of Discord, the greatest festivity in the past century!”

“Truly, this is a momentous occasion!” the princess of the night giggled. “Ooh, we shall be getting down with our canines in our grandest of hizz-ouses! Much merriment shall be had, for shizzle!”

“Luna,” Celestia deadpanned. “Don’t ever do that again.”

0-0-0-0-0

Discord tromped angrily through the crowd of celebrating ponies in the throne room of the palace, his replica body on display for the world to see.

It was bad enough when they started serving cake and punch, but stringing him up and letting random ponies use him as a piñata was just plain wrong.

At random intervals, Luna would giggle and toss candy into the air whether or not one of them smacked his fake body with a stick, which many of them seemed to find hilarious.

Discord did not necessarily find it hilarious.

At the very least they had the courtesy to give him a casket.

Discord was even less pleased to discover that the casket was made of cardboard.

One of the ponies ran past him giggling wildly, shouting something about togas.

“Seriously?” he threw up a hoof in frustration as they dropped his lifeless imitation body into the box. “This is way more messed up than I thought it would be.”

He was rudely bumped out of the way by a pegasus guard that he barely recognized, who was clearly more than a little tipsy.

“This,” the guard slurred as he began urinating onto the casket. “That’s for turning my wife into a stallion, y’bastard!”

“You tell ‘im, Spear!”

“Oh, for crying out loud!” Discord stamped away in anger, rage boiling as he saw what was supposed to be a perfect prank foiled. “Can I get any respect? Any at all?”

“Enjoying the funeral, Discord?” Celestia asked him calmly, and he crossed his hooves over his chest as he began floating into the air.

“Hmmph. Absolutely n-wait, what?” he came crashing back down immediately afterwards, gaping at her. “How did you – how long have you known?” Discord eyed her suspiciously.

“Since the beginning,” Celestia stated. “It was a bit obvious.”

“Ridiculous!” the draconequus burst out of his pony body, splattering it into glittering confetti as he did so.

“So were the first four attempts,” she smirked.

Both of them were interrupted by a rather infuriated and dried chocolate milk-covered Blueblood, who stickily tromped right between them on his way to the casket.

“I hate you all,” he spat vehemently, even more furious at having been uninvited once again.

“He seems cranky,” Discord scratched his chin distractedly. “Maybe I should try turning Blueblood into a stallion, too.”

“I HATE YOU ALL, SO MUCH!”

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