"I am the prettiest unicorn!"

by Fussan

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sweetie Belle
Length: 2194

Everybody thinks they're the prettiest unicorn.

What happens when a group a murderous, bloodthirsty, low IQ wielding maniacs with magical horned pony hats and top shelf weaponry (kinda) all decide that they're each the prettiest unicorn to ever trot the face of the Earth? Do they talk it out and decide that true beauty is on the inside? Do they decide that they're all the prettiest in their own way? Do they- okay, you know what, we all know that these idiots are just going to end up killing each other. Let's just laugh at them while they do it.

Cover art from ponybot.net

Published 2014-04-26 05:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-26 05:00:02 UTC

"No you're not!"

"Now you listen and you listen good, because I'm only going to say this once! Got it?!" roared the man standing in the Canterlot throne room, glaring daggers at those surrounding him. His voice was one of anger and impatience, most likely due to the fact that none of the so called "maggots" he came here with would admit that he was indeed correct in his declaration. He took in a deep breath, opening his mouth to shout as loudly as possible, "I am the prettiest unicorn!"

... Yeah, today was becoming stranger and stranger by the minute. It was a bright morning, hardly a cloud in the sky, sun shining brightly down upon the land and the ponies that inhabit it. Everybody just went on their own business, buying and selling at the large market in Canterlot Commons, strutting around the streets with their noses in the air and showing off just how much better they were than everybody else, and just generally doing whatever it was that snobby Canterlot ponies do. The birds sang, the castle servants were smiling, the princesses didn't have many appointments that day, and even the normally stoic, unfazeable royal guards smiled from the sheer beauty that the day brought with it from over the horizon. Tranquility was the very definition of the castle throne room that morning, the white marble gleaming and the stained glass windows cascading the room's walls in dancing lights, the soft carpet covering the floor feeling just a bit more soft, and the cushions of the throne feeling just a bit more comfortable.

Then this happened...

"Oh please," the tall, thin man scoffed in an overly-fancy accent that reminded normal men of perfume and pastries shaped like the letter C. "Unicorns are pretty, majestic fairy tale beings. You are a disgrace to this world, nothing more than a fool in a pony hat!" he shouted in the face of the loud man.

The loud man shot one muscular arm towards the funny accent man, grabbing him by the front of his red pinstriped suit. "Listen here you backstabbing coward, you are a pretty unicorn, but I am the prettiest unicorn! I will not tolerate any subordination from the likes of you, maggot!"

"Ha! That is funny!" laughed the large, mountain of a man standing to their side. "Heavy is dressed in pink pony costume, and you are still bigger idiots than Heavy!"

The two smaller men both looked to the enormous Russian man, each wearing a dark glare that spoke volumes of how much hate they harbored for the larger man.

But before they could respond, "Are you kiddin'? You ain't even half pretty, fatty! I'm the best unicorn here, and everybody knows it!" the young, cocky little twig of a man shouted. His usual boastful and brash attitude not failing him.

The mountainous man scoffed a laugh towards the tiny punk. "You are wrong, tiny baby man," he sneered at the tiny baby man. "Heavy is prettiest pink pony! Heavy is-" he stopped when he was tapped on the shoulder by somebody. Turning, he came face to grizzled face with another unicorn.

"Listen, fat man," said the professional croc wrestler sounding man, "You might think that you're a pretty unicorn, but you're wrong. I'm the prettiest unicorn around and it was the best decision I've ever made in me life." He went from a glower to a fanciful look of longing. "The unicorn queen can't resist me now..."

Celestia coughed uncomfortably into her hoof behind them all, succeeding in staying ignored by the strange men dressed as fluffy pink unicorns.

The large man growled menacingly at the Australian man before him. "You are not prettiest pink pony! Heavy is prettiest pink pony!"

"Ha! You wish fatty! Unicorns ain't bald!" the young punk teased.

The giant Russian spun around, nearly foaming at the mouth in rage and fury and hate and... a lot of other negative emotions like that. "If Heavy can't be pretty pink pony, Heavy will be pink pony of death!" he roared, balling one massive hamish hand into a fist and pulverizing the tiny baby man's face. "Yaaaarrrrrggggg!" he cried as he pounded the small tiny baby man's face into a chunky mush.

This bout of violence triggered what could be easily called a "shit storm". The muscled, loud man punched the suited man in the face, and the suited man pulled a knife from somewhere unseen by all and slashed at the loudmouthed man's throat, only to miss and hit his chest. The Australian and the Russian both started throwing fists at one another, their different balances of skills making the match somewhat more even. Off to the side a shorter, burly man was swinging his wrench at a man in riot gear with only one eye, while a man in a full-body suit and an optical mask was shooting gouts of intense flames at a prim, clean cut man wielding a glorified dart gun.

All the while the ponies of Canterlot look on in horrified awe at the spectacle, seemingly hypnotized by the wanton violence and overall stupidity of the men before them. Their unblinking stares and slightly ajar mouths spoke volumes of their combined intellect, to be sure. Like a great man once said, "Stupid is as stupid does." It was truly an amazing sight to be sure, and it was not lost on me.

I sighed heavily and executed a slow facepalm, much like I saw in a Star Trek movie once before. "Y'know, I'm not even going to pretend this isn't my fault," I said to Celestia tiredly. "This is what I get for trying to play TF2, I guess."

Celestia doesn't even look mad, like I expected her to. "If this weren't so painful to watch, I would be angry with you," she said in the same tired tone of voice I used.

I ignored the high pitched, pained scream and the leg that flew by my head in favor of continuing the conversation. "Well, as funny as it is to watch stupid people tear each other apart, I think we should stop this."

Celestia gasped, her eyes widening. "You can't mean..."

I nodded. "It's the safest way," I said grimly. "It's either that, or plan B," I said, jerking a thumb over my shoulder the the seven foot tall bare-chested man wearing short-shorts and hiking boots. Atop his head was a pink unicorn hat.

"I could smash all these fake unicorns with my hands tied behind my back!" The monstrously buff man said, much louder than he needed to. "I! AM! THE ! PRETTIEST! UNICORN!!!!"

I nodded, rolling my eyes at him. "Of course you are Mr. Hale, but unicorns don't just murder everybody. You should know that."

He grumbled something about unicorns and bleeding bones but I ignored him. "Anyways," I said, trying to bring back the topic of plan A. "We need to bring out the big guns, or this place'll turn into a bloodbath."

Celestia frowned heavily, clearly unsure if it was the right thing to do. "It just seems... so unfair to them... Cruel even. I- I don't know if I can do it..."

"Either you do it, or I will," I threaten her, causing her eyes to go wide.

"You wouldn't dare..." she breathed, shocked.

"You know what I would do Celestia. Don't test me, not with this," I warned, deadly serious. We had a staring contest, seeing who would waver first; who would back down and roll over. I refused to lose. "If you don't do it, Mr. Hale will take care of them."

At hearing his name the monolithic Australian man growled like a rabid bear and pounded on his chest with his gigantic fists.

At this Celestia let out a ragged sigh. "Fine, I'll do it. But just know that using this kind of weapon..." she shuddered at the repercussions this action would have. On not only her, but on everything that is witness to its power.

I nodded at her, fully aware of the consequences. "It's the only way." Once again we stare one another down. But this time there's a different tension between the two of us.

Eventually she sighed, closing her eyes. "Prepare yourself, for I know not what this will do to you," she told me, igniting her horn in a brilliant golden aura. As the seconds ticked by, her light only shone brighter and brighter, the color turning from a deep gold to a paler yellowish color. Soon her aura was joined by another, the overglow even brighter than the original coloring. "Get ready," she said in a strained voice, gritting her teeth in what I could only guess was pain.

I nodded in confirmation that I was indeed ready.

With a final push of magic, Celestia released her built up energy in a massive golden wave across the room. The light of her energy was so brilliant that it blinded everybody in the room with its beautiful radiance. The light bathed everybody in a warm embrace, comforting and gentle and welcoming.

When the wave of magic dissipated, everybody opened their eyes and stared in dumb shock of the princess. Well, not at her exactly, but what she was holding above her head in her front hooves. In her hooves, being held under her front legs, was Sweetie Belle. She looked around in confusion, not sure where she was or how she had gotten there. "Huh?" she squeaked. "Where am I?"

Instantly the mercenaries screamed in terror from the young filly's presence, for they knew that should her cuteness levels rise too high, they would all be doomed.

Sweetie Belle looked at the screaming men in red combat gear who were bloody and beaten and saw that they were all staring directly at her. Not only them though, the entirety of the Canterlot elite's eyes were glued onto the small white unicorn. She blushed heavily from all the attention, her cheeks turning a bright pink in embarrassment. "Why is everypony staring at me?" she squeaked out, instinctively pulling her tail up to her face in an attempt to hide from the prying eyes of the ponies and men gathered there.

That did it. The RED team shrieked and wailed in horror and agony as their precious hats caught flame and their eyes began to melt from their sockets. The skin on their faces blistered and split, revealing the boiling blood beneath the surface and bubbling flesh and splintered bone. Slowly, they began to melt into the floor, pools of blood and gore and bile and everything else that makes up the Human body spilling out of their bodies through the festered and putrid sores and wounds in their forms. Their pleas for an end died out after only a minute or so, but hearing the soul shaking screams drug it out for eternities before their vocal cords and tongues were too far gone to produce any more sound.

Finally, after what seemed to go on forever, they were dead. Little more than splatters of what could no longer be recognized as Human beings, slightly charred unicorn hats resting on top of each mess of gore.

Everybody in the room was horrified by what they saw, expressions of pure disgust on all but three faces in the room. Myself, Celestia, and Saxton Hale.

"Well, that was entertaining to watch," I joke darkly with a quiet chuckle to myself.

"I... I'm not the prettiest unicorn anymore..." Hale said to himself in sadness.

I patted his massive shoulder. "Cheer up, man. You can still be the prettiest Mann Co. unicorn."

He instantly perked up at this, regaining his toothy smile. "You're right! All those wimpy girls back home will fear the name Saxton Unicorn Hale!" he shouted, just before taking off at a sprint and launching himself through a nearby priceless stained glass window.

Letting out a sigh of sadness, Celestia gently placed Sweetie Belle down next to us and shook her head slowly. "I wish it had never come to this..."

I nodded in agreement. "It's never a good thing when we need to bring our youth into conflicts. But it was necessary in order to maintain peace and put a stop to those RED idiots."

With another heavy sign, she nodded back. "My sister and I will have the portal up in a matter of hours, so you will be able to return home soon," she told me, still staring sorrowfully at the marble floor. "Until then don't make any trouble."

I let out a snort at her insinuation that I make trouble. "Please, I'm no trouble maker," I said casually. "And besides," I started, looking down at the small ball of cuteness and fuzz that was Sweetie Belle, "I think I'm going to take out our little savior here for ice cream."

Sweetie Belle perked up at that. "Ice cream? Yay!"

I leaned down and picked her up, carrying her away under my arm like a football. Today, I thought, was a good day...

Author's Note

I... I don't know why I did this...