Big Red

by Zaralann

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Cadance, Self Insert, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Anthro, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 9816

Well, what can I say? I always thought that I will go out with a bang, but I never thought that I will be able to tell the tale. Well, I would be able to, after I will get home.

While I'm pretty sure that being transformed into a Hero from a Movie can be considered cool in more than one way, I just don't see it.
"This... is so wrong."

Being sent to a land where Myths and Legends come to life is not a fun way to die.
"Nice puppies?"

It's not Hell, and it's not Heaven, and I'm pretty sure that this isn't Nebraska!
"Oh, crap."

I'm not sure what happened.
"Thou vile beast, We demand to know how you appeared here!"
"You and I both, lady."

And apparently I'm not very good with first impressions.
"... She started it!"
"Thou deceiving mongrel, We weren't the one who started the battle!"
"You threw the first punch, I just returned the favor."

And even without interruptions by some assholes...
"You know what is the difference between us?"
"Oh, pray to tell?"
"I'm fireproof, you, not so much."

I feel that my goal to get home will be pretty hard to achieve, all thing consider.
"But that's impossible!"
"You know, I'm pretty sure that by now this word left my dictionary forever."

{Character-tags will be updated with the story.}
{Currently being Edited by The Snide Sniper.}

Published 2014-05-11 14:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-11 14:50:03 UTC

This is not Hell...

'Now I understand why actors are payed so damn much!' I thought as I stood near the door of ladies’ room. 'They survive this itch and actually perform while all they want is to rip their own skin off; they got my respect.'

The reason for my grumpy behavior was the fact that I literally had a ton of damn skin-paint applied to me, and it was itching like crazy! I really should have chosen another costume for this party, but apparently I was outvoted by my sister and mother. And after five hours of sitting on the chair and suffering the fate of an old wall I was now a passable, in their opinion, imitation of Hellboy.

I could probably be used as his double in the movie with the amount of work those two women put in my costume. I mean, I was painted red for god's sake! I really didn't want to know where they got so much of this strange paint for my costume; I mean, you could probably paint a small damn car with this! At least the other parts of the costume were less annoying, like the leather pants, the black army boots and the belt, which held the holster for my plastic imitation of Hellboy's Good Samaritan, a revolver with four 22mm rounds that had enough power to punch through steel. Oh, and a light-brown trench-coat; thank god for small miracles; I really wasn't comfortable with going more or less topless.

'Good thing mine is plastic, I really don't know how the hell Ron Perlman ran around with that thing the whole movie without breaking his arm. Well, his was plastic too, probably...' I thought.

I suppressed the urge to run my hand through my hair, for the sole reason that I was partially bald at the moment. Well, not really, but the makeup on my head covered my hair with a special patch that also held the stumps of horns in place, along with my fake whiskers. The little beard on my chin was damn glued there, and I could already imagine the pain of getting it off. The hair on the back of my head was fake too, I have brown hair, and I refused to dye it black, so the black growth was actually a wig.

Oh, and I even got the tail! Well, it was made from rubber and a wire, painted red, but it actually looked cool. And it didn't itch.

Right now I was more or less waiting ‘till my mother and sister finished applying their own makeup; at least their costumes needed the bare minimum of the damn stuff. Mom was going as Sarah Jane Smith from The Sarah Jane Adventures and Doctor Who, and sis decided that her sacred duty was to show her immaturity, so she was going to dress as Neptune from Hyperdimension Neptunia. Well, mom actually fit the role perfectly, and with her being one of the biggest fans of the show, she would probably perform perfectly. I wasn't so sure about sis; sure she could be pretty immature but damn the joke about my looking more like her father than older brother will probably be going for weeks.

Damn that taxi driver.

I really wanted to test my fake Hellboy's right arm, even if it was made from plastic and wasn't very durable, it still could do some damage.

'And I still fail to see the reason for this whole escapade...' I sighed and resisted the urge to rub the bridge of my nose, the damn make up would probably be messed up, and I really didn't want to suffer another session.

"Oh, don't be such a baby!" Samantha Benet, my mother, snickered.

I was currently sitting in our dining room, chewing on some potato chips and trying to defend myself from her verbal assault. It had been about a week since my sister won the ticket to the annual convention, the one where you need to show up in a costume and in character. I really wasn't a fan of the whole thing, considering that you need to either sleep near the entrance in a tent to get a good place in line, or get up at about six o'clock in the morning to avoid getting into one of the many traffic jams that would surely be present.

"No. I'm not going," I said as I turned towards my mother.

She was not very tall, with short blond hair, brown eyes, and medium build; she kept her slim figure by regularly visiting some strange gym which only women could enter. Right now she was trying to persuade me to go with her and my younger sister to the convention. More importantly, I was the only one in the family who had a car and driver’s license; sis was too young, and mom never bothered to get one.

"It will be fun!"

"You do know that it will probably be going for nine hours, and there is no guarantee that I will even be able to park anywhere? I'm glad that Liz won, but I really don't understand why I need to be dragged along." I took a gulp from a bottle with orange juice. "I mean, some of her friends would kill to get in there; why not take one of them?"

"Because it will be one of our family outings!" answered a cheerful voice.

I looked at the entrance to the room and saw my sister, Elizabeth Benet. She had long blond hair, which she apparently got from mom, a petite build and blue eyes.

"Are you serious?" I raised an eyebrow. "Family outings should be something that you will remember and enjoy, like a good dinner at the best restaurant in the city, or a wonderful visit to the carnival, but I'm not sure there can be any good memories waiting for me there. I mean, you'll have fun, but I will probably be stuck as a pack-mule, dragging all the little souvenirs that you bought. Oh, and the fact that I need to be in costume makes me question the sanity of the person who organized the whole thing."

I was well aware of how this type of event usually progressed; my friend from school was working with a company that provided special-effects for the shows and told me all that I needed to know. I really wasn't looking forward to the whole thing. It's not like I was against social get-togethers, but the thought of hundreds of people all dressed as their favorite characters made me shudder.

I once saw some dude from Russia dressed as a Sailor Moon. I was traumatized for months. I'm not against gays or anything like that, but damn, that was just disgusting! An adult guy -- who was apparently not in a very good relationship with a gym -- in a leotard almost made me puke. There was no way in hell I would go there when there was a big risk of running into something similar to that monstrosity.

I narrowed my eyes at my mother and sister, this would be a tough fight, but I would win!

I lost that battle, such a shame.

We spent two hours in the car and one on the train to get here, and I barely had any time for myself. Yeah, being the man of the group, I had to carry all the bags with the clothes, and with one arm being pretty much useless, it was a far tougher task than it should have been. And then they will probably ask me to drag whatever they buy here too...

Well, good thing I was the one with money, so I can make sure they don't grab too much. I really couldn't understand how mom was still so energetic about the whole nerds' get-together; I mean I watched the movies and TV-shows, but comic-books? Nope, not happening. In my twenty years, I'm pretty sure that I had outgrown this stuff, but my mother in her fifties apparently didn't. Sis at least was fourteen, and had the excuse of being a brat, but still...

I looked at a small shop nearby; there was a mirror hanging on its side so customers would be able to try some of the merchandise on. I really needed to find a way to win an argument with mom and sis teaming up on me; the yellow eyes looking back at me from the mirror were a testimony of my weak will.

Contact lenses...

They were a bitch to put on, especially considering that I never actually had to do it before, and almost poking my eye out was a fine way to start my day. Yeah, they looked cool and all, but it really was overkill in my book. Mom will probably register me for the costume-competition, which I will probably lose to some dude with a costume of Chewbacca, the easiest one to make.

'Just buy enough similar-tone wigs and stitch them together.' I chuckled at the thought. 'At least I'm not the worst case; that girl in the black armor looks ready to collapse.'

While I was looking around, I saw something that actually made me raise an eyebrow. There, lying on the nearest stand, was the Big Baby, Hellboy's second weapon from the movies. It was an oversized, six-round gun, firing small rockets which cause small explosions. I really wasn't into the whole in-character thing, but the character I was impersonating was as awesome as they come, and to not have a full set would be heresy.

'Well, not really, but damn I want that gun.' I thought with a smirk.

Pushing myself from the wall, I walked towards the stand. This was going to be one good purchase.

'Alright, not so good...' I clenched my teeth, barely suppressing the urge to come back and punch the annoying asshole right in the kisser.

The twerp that was selling the model was apparently suffering from oral diarrhea and wouldn't shut up about the movie from which this gun was. I mean, the smug bastard made so many remarks about my costume and how I was only passable in the looks department... I really didn't care for when he attempted to be witty. It took all of my self-control to not cave in his smug fucking face with a book of after-dinner speeches...

'I will buy one as soon as possible.' My mood was a bit sour, but at least I was able to get what I wanted for a manageable price.

One hundred dollars lighter, and I was the proud owner of a very heavy and realistic, as far as fictional firearms went, looking gun. The Big Baby was slung over my shoulder, and I was really looking forward to showing it to my mom and sis. I mean, they spent several days trying to get the best replica of the Good Samaritan, and I just got this beauty by sheer luck.

Then my stomach grumbled.

I looked around, searching for the nearest food-stand; my stomach was empty from the morning; a couple of sandwiches weren't as much of a breakfast as I wanted them to be. I saw a food-stand that sold sweets. Well it was better than nothing. I mean, the convention will be going for six more hours and there wasn't any chance of escaping earlier; my sister and mother wouldn't let me.

Finally, after half an hour of standing in line, I was chewing on my third Twix and finishing my can of Pepsi. It was far from a real meal, but at least I got some sugar and caffeine in my system that would keep me going for some time. Maybe I could find a stand that sold pizza or hot-dogs, but I wasn't that optimistic.

'I really hope that mom and sis will hurry up; I heard that there is someone selling a copy of Grimm's Crossbow. I don't care what others say; that series is awesome.' I petted the left pocket of my coat, where my wallet was.

I could probably even buy myself a copy of the Crown of Bethmora, it would be a nice addition to my costume. I could even...

"Look out!" My train of thoughts was interrupted by the sudden scream.

I turned around to look what was happening and almost choked. The big statue of Iron Man was falling right unto me, and I didn't even have time to move.

'Oh, shit.' Was the last thought that went through my brain right before the thing fell.

And then I knew only darkness.

"Ouch!" I opened my eyes.

Pain.

I felt like I was run over by a truck! Not the best feeling for sure, but I’d had worse. But believe me, falling through a sky-window isn't pleasant in any way; the sensation of millions of little sharp knifes tearing the flesh on your back to pieces is something you won't forget very soon, if ever.

At least my vision cleared and I was able to see... trees.

That was not what I was supposed to see at the moment. Either I was dreaming, but then I wouldn't have been in so much pain, or I was somehow transported to a forest of some kind. It's not like there were many places with so much flora; I knew at least a couple of parks, but considering that I would have been found by some runner or other health-obsessed individual, it's more likely that I was dropped somewhere away from the main roads.

'Or people just saw my costume and thought that they are being pranked.' I thought with a chuckle.

I tried to get up. My right hand was feeling a bit numb, probably because of the fake stone-arm that I used for the costume. Well, at least it wasn't the biggest of my worries at the moment; more important was for me to check whether I had been robbed. If not, then I would be able to use my mobile phone to call mom or sis, and they would be able to pick me up. Or I could call a taxi, which would be even better.

At least it wasn't the first time I woke up in the unfamiliar place. The first time was when my friends and I were celebrating my birthday; beer may not be the most alcoholic drink, but with the amount that I drank that day it didn't matter. I woke up in the local supermarket; my head was killing me, and for some reason I was topless. The stench of booze coming from me could probably knock out a dog, and the best part was that I slept the whole time on boxes of toilet paper. At least I had enough of it to clean myself after my stomach couldn’t hold its contents anymore.

Good thing we were able to get out of there before police showed up. I still don't know how the hell we got inside the store without actually tripping the alarm system.

It was a miracle that I was able to get up on my first try, considering that I suffered a pretty nasty hit in the head from the statue. And that sounded wrong even in my head, but I really didn't know why. The point is that I was apparently left in some woods instead of a hospital; whoever did this was either really cruel or had a terrible sense of humor. One way or another, they earned themselves a good old punch in the face, and I'm pretty sure that being left in the park with potentially nasty head-trauma counts as a good reason for it.

'Now to just get up and see if I'm capable of walking in a straight line.' I thought as I rolled over on my stomach.

I pushed myself up with ease that really wasn't appropriate for this situation, but it would be a bad thing to actually complain about something good happening for a change. Looking around wasn't as useful as I thought; there were trees, trees, more trees...

'Oh, and even more trees!' I sighed.

I should at least remove the damn fake stone-arm, because my hand was probably going to suffocate in there. Reaching with my left hand I grasped the thing and gave a tug.

That didn't work...

I looked down at my right hand.

Four fingers, made from red stone with some strange marks all over the wrist-cylinder. You know the strange feeling when suddenly nothing makes sense anymore, and all you can think of is that you can't wake up from this nightmare for some reason? This feeling also makes you pretty much dumb as a lemming and slow on the uptake.

Well, with my brain currently taking a piss, I was left with few options.

I poked it with the index finger of my left hand.

'Rock-solid.' I didn't even understand that it was me who thought that.

Next thing I did was try to move it, and it did. I could feel it as if the thing was actually part of my body. The fact that it had four fingers, with the ring-finger apparently missing, actually made me snap out of my shock. I wasn't one of those people who scream their head off, but I wasn't above waving my hand around like there was a really fat spider on it.

If someone saw me right then it would have been the ultimate blackmail opportunity; the expression of pure shock that was on my face right now was far from something I wanted people to remember about me. Well, considering that it's not every day you get your right hand replaced with a prosthesis made from red rock, I was taking it pretty well. It's not like the stupid shocked face that I was making right now was any worse than anyone else's reaction would have been.

'Alright, take a deep breath and think rationally!' I forced my panic down, or at least as much as could. 'There should be a logical explanation for why there is a piece of fucking stone attached to your hand!'

...

...

...

My brain refused to come up with anything at least remotely realistic! I was pretty sure that this was not any type of an animatronic, because the fact that I could actually feel with it made the theory crumble even before it fully formed. Sometimes there just wasn't a way to explain something without sounding insane or dumb, and this one was right up that alley. I know that I'm not the smartest person around, but what I was seeing right now was scientifically impossible on so many levels that I was pretty sure it could be considered a crime against nature.

I slowly clenched and unclenched what was now my right fist, the sensation was actually pretty interesting, like my hand was a tad bit numb, or less sensitive than any other part of my body. And that only made me want to panic even more; the fact that I wasn't running around like a headless chicken was a testimony to the amazing level of self-control that I displayed right then. I was actually pretty surprised that I was able to calm down enough to actually think properly and not like a panicked part of a herd.

'Wait...' Suddenly a horrifying thought ran through my mind. 'If this is real, then...' My left hand was on my forehead faster than I was able to finish the thought.

They were there, a couple of stumps that were apparently the remaining parts of horns. I could actually feel bone-like material that they were made from. Oh, who am I kidding, they were made from an actual bone, my bone! There were actual horns growing from the front part of my skull! And the fact that the wig on my head became my real hair wasn't helping.

I took a deep breath and slowly let it out, making sure to do it through my nose. This situation was getting worse and worse, and I really wasn't looking forward to actually checking if I still had my contact lenses. The moment I showed up near people they would call the police...

My eyes widened.

My mobile phone! I still hadn't checked if it was with me or not! If I have it, then I would be able to call mom and sis and get this whole situation sorted! Well, as sorted as I could get it, considering that now I'm apparently a proud owner of Hellboy's right arm and horns.

It was a good thing that I put my phone in my left pocket.

It was a bad thing that I actually looked down.

Muscles.

I never had a very good build, considering that PE was something that I really didn't care about as long as I was in a good enough shape to fall under 'normal', but what I was seeing right now definitely wasn't normal! The six-pack that I had right now seemed carved from stone, and considering my broad chest and massive build that I somehow gained in the last twenty or so minutes, I looked damn impressive.

I couldn't help myself, I poke myself in the stomach.

'Damn, it's like there’s steel under the skin!' I couldn't even dent the skin without effort, and even then it was barely noticeable.

I also noticed the infamous carvings, part of which were seen on the right side of my chest, and I would bet anything that they were spreading over my right shoulder. This was getting more and more ridiculous, the next thing I knew I would be looking at my... tail...

With a cold feeling in my gut and utter dread taking hold of my mind I slowly put my hand over the place where humans have the coccyx. I almost facepalmed, if not for the fact that doing so with your right hand made of stone would be a pretty dumb idea. I had a tail, and it was real. If I concentrated I could even feel it moving around.

'This... is so wrong.' The only thought that ran through my brain pretty much summarized the situation.

There were a lot of things running through my mind at the time, and I'm pretty sure that most of them were pretty useless. At the moment I was in the forest, looking exactly like the character from a movie and, considering that I checked my phone and found out that I had no signal, I was alone to wander around until I stumbled upon some form of civilization.

'This can't get any worse.' Why did I have the temptation to pull out a cigar?

If Hellboy's bad habits start manifesting, I would probably start drinking soon. This was more than a little disturbing, but at the same time I could actually agree with the alcohol part, if only enough to get a slight buzz and make the bad feeling in my gut go away. I know that drowning my problems in the booze isn't actually a solution, but with the lack of any actual way to fix the problem I really didn't care.

The first thing that I did was choose the direction in which I will actually go. It was actually pretty easy; I just took out a pen that I still thankfully had with me and threw it up in the air. When it landed I just picked it up, no point in leaving such a useful thing behind, and went in the direction it was pointing. No matter how many logical reasons I could come up with for staying in the spot where I woke, I just wasn't really that optimistic that anyone would come.

The facts were all pointing out that I was basically in the middle of nowhere, which wasn't all that good for my well being. I know only the basics about surviving in the wild, and even those are based on the crappy Duck Tales themed books that I read when was little. I made sure to look myself over more thoughtfully and check every pocket that I had.

Apparently my wardrobe also went through some improvements. It was far easier to move now; the weight of my accessories wasn't all that noticeable at moment. When I checked my fake gun I found out that it wasn't all that fake anymore. I didn't actually use it, but I was pretty sure that it would make a pretty big hole in whatever I aim at; Good Samaritan had become a pretty intimidating sight to behold. Big Baby also went through a similar transformation and now looked even more real than before; I really didn't know how it was possible considering that the damn thing was made from metal in the first place. Trying to puzzle the whole thing together was like trying to figure out the meaning of life, and it was giving me a headache.

'Better do as was advised in that one crappy Russian movie, and blame everything on the magical nut.' I thought with a sigh. 'And now I only need to find where the hell this particular nut is, and find out if cracking it open will help me come back home, or not.' It wasn't the best solution, but at the moment, anything was better than nothing.

Someone once said that walking without any destination in mind can be considered an adventure on its own. I really can't remember who it was, but if he's still alive I will make sure to punch that shitty idea out of his, or her, head. If they think that monotonous walking through the woods is an adventure, then I would like to switch places with them, so I will be the one with the food, indoor plumbing, and television, while they will be hungry, shitting in a bush, and watching grass grow.

Nature is one of those things that can call me without hope of being heard; I'm the proud citizen of a modern city, and I'm not planning on changing my lifestyle any time soon.

*Grear*

I stopped.

'Alright, I'm pretty sure I didn't imagine that.' I looked around, but nothing I could see could have made such a noise.

*Grear*

I instantly turned towards the place where I thought the noise came from. Now I was absolutely sure that I didn't imagine it, no matter how strongly I wished for it to be my ears playing tricks on me. This was one of those types of moments, in which the main character of the movie walks right towards the noise and gets his face ripped off; I just knew it. The problem was that I wasn't some movie character, and if I died it would be permanent, without any way back.

'So, lets not go there and avoid a possibly painful and unwelcome death.' I thought and turned to walk in the direction that I was previously heading.

Apparently Lady Luck decided that I wasn't in a bad enough situation, and took a liberty of making my life even more troublesome. As I was about to take my first step, something flashed a very bright pale-blue light right in front of me, and apparently the same thing tried to knock me off my feet. Well, it was a good thing that I was I tad bit heavier than I was before, because I was able to regain my footing fast enough to not fall on my butt.

As the spots vanished from my vision, I saw what, or actually who, tried to knock me off my feet.

'Alright... This is new...' I thought as I studied the person in front of me.

She couldn't be older than fourteen, give or take a year, with pretty long violet, rose and pale gold hair tied into a ponytail. She had a slim build, too developed for anyone under fourteen years old. She was wearing a light pink sweater with pale-yellow short-shorts and sandals.

And she had a pretty long grayish-cerise spiral-patterned horn sticking out of her forehead, with a pair of wings of the same color on her back. Oh, and a tail with the same colors as her hair.

I was pretty sure that right now my mind couldn't be any more blank than it already was. Whatever the hell this girl was, she was obviously not human; the additional appendages looked pretty damn real to me. I knew that with my current looks it was kind of hypocritical to speak about appearance, but the sheer aura of Disney-Level innocence that was radiating from her made me actually question whenever I was tripping.

Apparently finally snapping out of her daze after appearing out of nowhere and ramming into me, she looked up and her purple eyes widened.

I know that I wasn't the friendliest face around, but the sheer level of shock that she was showing at the moment was kind of insulting. There was fear, confusion, curiosity and many other things in her eyes that I really couldn’t identify.

'Good job, Jake! You broke her without uttering a word!' I could only sigh.

At least she wasn't screaming her head off or attacking, I really didn't want to check if her horn was as sharp as it looked. I wasn't exactly a master conversationalist, but I was at least capable of starting a conversation politely. Well, I'm not sure if a simple greeting will do the trick here; she was still a bit out of it, and there was even a little bit of drool leaking from the corner of her mouth. I really hoped that I didn't accidentally caused serious brain damage; it would be the worst first impression in the history of mankind.

I positioned my left hand in front of her face and snapped my fingers.

She blinked several times, and then her eyes refocused on me, and she blushed a little bit. At least I was polite enough to not notice her apparent embarrassment.

"Now that you're awake from your little daydream..." I didn't notice it earlier, but my voice apparently changed too; it was a tad bit deeper and more rough, but not far from my original one. "...can you at least tell me if you're alright?"

She blinked owlishly at me and then nodded. Alright, apparently she hadn't fully recovered but at least I had something to work with.

"I'm... em... red?" she said.

I raised an eyebrow at that. Well, maybe not all of her screws were in the right places at the moment, and considering how her eyes widened and she clamped her right hand over her mouth she understood that her attempt at communication had failed.

"Well, not really." I wasn't sure how to proceed here, so I decided that humor was better than tense silence.

She blinked at me and slowly removed her hand from her mouth; apparently she didn't think that I would just let her little mistake slide.

"I'm.. al... alright." she said finally.

"Good!" I smiled. "Now that we achieved mutual understanding, do you mind getting up?" I know that I sounded a bit like an asshole, but some rudeness would probably snap her out of the remaining daze.

*Grrrrrear*

I whirled around and looked at the bushes that were producing the noise. Growling, someone was growling from the bushes. I was ready to curse out loud; considering my record right up to this moment, the thing in the bushes would be a horrible abomination against nature that would make its home in my nightmares, or it would be a simple wild dog or wolf. I really wasn't taking any bets here.

What stepped out of the bushes made me pause.

'I definitely jinxed it.' I couldn't be more surprised.

Well, the beings that came out of the bushes were in fact some kind of wolves, but they were made out of wood, timber, sticks, and trunks. Their eyes glowed an acid-green color, and their eyebrows were made out of leaves. They were probably at least as tall as my abdomen, and -- even if they were trying -- I failed to be intimidated.

I saw a couple of scary movies, and even saw one where the tree actually killed a person. I was even able to sit through all of the Friday 13th movies without flinching when I was thirteen! Therefore I kind of failed to be impressed by these moving piles of wood. Alright, maybe it was more in lines of what people feel when they first see Daleks from Doctor Who and wondered how someone could be intimidated by a metal pepper-shaker that looked like it could be defeated by a set of stairs. This disbelief lasted only until they started showing just how monstrous they were; committing genocide drove the point home.

I actually wasn't very scared right now, but this whole day was getting worse with every moment, and I wouldn't be surprised if the girl behind me turned out to be some abomination wearing pretty skin to lure men into her home and eat their organs, all while keeping them alive so she could drink their suffering like fine wine.

'And now I'm officially over-thinking it.' I forced myself back on track.

I wasn't a hero by any definition of the word, and I didn't want to be one. I wasn't selfless, noble or charismatic enough to even be qualified as a sidekick, but that didn't mean that I was a cruel and selfish bastard that wouldn't lift a finger to help people without a reward, from time to time at least. I knew I wouldn't be able to outrun a quadrupedal predator of that size, and I would be slowed down by the weight of the girl who was still sitting behind me.

I really couldn’t leave her behind for obvious reasons. She was my only source of information about the strange place that I found myself in, and I'm pretty sure that the local population wouldn't be very happy that I left one of them to become dog-food. Or plant-food? I really wasn't sure what the hell these things were, and I wasn't eager to find out any time soon.

Alright, there were three of them and one of me; they were predators with a lot of experience in hunting, fighting and killing their prey, while I was an American citizen who had only been in two real fights and didn't know how to handle a gun to save my life. Yeah, not very good odds -- certainly not in my favor.

"Nice puppies?" I know that I wasn't very effective under pressure, but even by my standards that was kind of low.

And then they attacked.

Alright, I'm pretty much useless in hand-to-hand combat, and being peaceful person by nature I didn't learn any martial art during my life, so I was pretty much defenseless at the moment. I wasn't even good enough at zoology to find some Tarzan-style solution to this situation; I hadn't even visited a zoo in the last four years. I was going to die from being ripped apart by canine plants.

But apparently my body had other plans.

I don't actually know how I did it, but I moved to the right fast enough to dodge the first one, while simultaneously grabbing the girl with my left hand and basically throwing her into the nearest bush. I really didn't know how the hell I pulled it off, but the results were pretty damn obvious; I avoided the attack and made sure that the girl wouldn't get in the way or in any actual danger in two seconds flat.

I didn't have time to ponder this development because the second wolf reached me and tried to rip my throat off. It failed because I was fast enough to raise my right hand up and try to block the attack. I actually thanked whatever higher power that sent me here for turning my fake glove into a real Hellboy stone-arm, or I would have lost a limb! The wooden teeth weren't strong or hard enough to even scratch its surface; a couple actually broke on contact.

From the corner of my left eye I saw that the first wolf had already turned around and was charging at me again. There really weren't many options, and the pretty high probability of becoming these beasts' chew-toy made my chromaffin cells produce as much adrenaline as they could, flooding my body in response to the stress of the situation. That was probably the reason for my next move; I swung my right hand at the incoming enemy, pulling the wolf attached to it with enough force for its feet to leave the ground.

I really didn't know if it would work, but I was really happy when it did. The two beasts collided with enough force to send them both crashing to the side, missing me by a wide margin. They rolled a bit, still tangled up a bit and finally stopped about a dozen meters away.

'... What?' My mind was racing a mile a minute.

This was something out of a fantastic movie; there was no way I could have enough physical strength to pull a wooden wolf of that size from the ground and send it and another one crashing about ten or so meters away from me. No one was that strong! While I was actually doing it, my mind wasn't working properly with all the stress, adrenaline and fear running through me, but after actually performing the impossible act, the whole thing finally caught up to me.

Suddenly I heard rustling behind me and, more out of fear than conscious thought, jumped to the side, avoiding the third wolf that tried to tackle me from behind, probably aiming at my head or neck. This attack came too close to actually killing me, and it made shiver. The wolf landed and turned around far faster than the creature of its size should be able to, and growled at me. There were about three or so meters between us. For the wolf it would be one jump, and it would be on me.

Suddenly I heard a growl from the left. My eyes widened; I totally forgot about the other two wolves! I was barely able to lift my left arm in time to stop the beast from biting my face off. I was too preoccupied by the fact that a giant wolf was gnawing on me to notice the lack of actual pain.

Without even thinking I smashed my right fist right into the side of the wolf's head with all the power I could master. The good part was that the punch was enough to actually get the damn thing off me, the bad part was that it was apparently only a distraction, because I felt something impacting my back. I was thrown forward, landing not far away from the bush in which the girl from earlier was still sitting and watching with wide eyes as I was having my ass handed to me by a bunch of timber.

The fall didn't actually hurt, but it was uncomfortable.

'Well, round two.' I thought with a sigh and started to get up.

I really wasn't sure why I was fighting right now, because there just wasn't any way in hell that I would win, but at least I would die doing the right thing. I knew that it was a pretty pathetic excuse, but it was far better than nothing. While I was getting up I saw the girl looking at me, I really wanted to ask why the hell was she still here and not as far away as her legs could carry her, but a growl from behind made me turn around.

The three beasts were standing in front of me, watching me with their glowing eyes. The one that attempted to chew my arm off was actually missing the left part of its head and therefore its left eye, but apparently this little fact wasn't bothering it in the slightest. I saw several pieces of wood fly from the ground no far away and attach themselves to its wound, effectively restoring the left side of wolf's head, acid-green glowing eye and all.

"Oh, crap." Was all I could say.

You know, there is a moment in person's life when he or she just understands that this is the end, and they just stop caring altogether. Apparently I just reached this particular state, because I suddenly felt my fear disappearing.

I didn't want to die here.

No, wrong.

I wasn't going to die here!

There were just too many things that I could still do, too many to simply lie down and keel over because of some walking firewood. I'm not the bravest person in the world, and I'm certainly not the best, but I'm not going to give up my life that easily. If these three beasts want the life of Jake Benet, they will have to work for it; I wasn't going to make it easy for them!

I took a deep breath and released the air through my nose.

"What are you waiting for? An invitation with pink hearts and glitter?" I said with my best imitation of Ron Perlman.

I really didn't know if the wolves understood what I was saying or just attacked because I made a sound, but as soon as I finished speaking the three beasts charged at me. I wasn't very comfortable with the idea that I actually couldn't take a step back because the girl was still sitting in the bushes behind me, so I decided to take a different approach. Without even blinking I moved to the right, making sure to keep a close eye on the three charging beasts.

My mind was working, trying to remember my highschool biology lessons. If I remembered correctly, a dog's heart was in it chest, somewhere between its front legs, and I really hoped that the same can be said about these things. They did kind of resemble wolves so I could only pray that it was more than simple imitation.

I noticed that one of them was almost on me; it was time to test my theory.

Suddenly stopping and turning around I thrust my right hand right into its chest, keeping my fingers straight like a spearhead. I was pretty lucky with the timing, because the moment I stopped, the damn thing jumped right at me and thus left itself open for my attack. I held my breath as I watched the beast hanging on my hand, I could have sworn that for a moment it looked confused by something before the light in its eyes slowly faded, and it just came apart as if the power holding together all the twigs, branches, and logs had suddenly disappeared. All that was left of its body was a pile of wood at my feet and a strange sense of accomplishment for me.

'One down, two to go.'

They were mortal; I could defeat them, permanently. I watched the pile of wood at my feet, making sure that the thing wasn't just playing possum, but there wasn't even a twitch from it. I looked at the two remaining beasts and saw that they’d stopped moving and were just standing there, growling at me. For some reason I thought that they couldn’t comprehend what just happened, that the supposed prey managed to defeat one of their own.

I really didn't want to know what they were thinking, but the fact that they actually could think made me a bit wary. A strong opponent is bad; a strong and smart one is a lot worse. I really didn't know how smart these things were, and I really couldn't care less, but the fact that they weren't attacking right now made me question their level of organization. I really wasn't looking forward to fighting beasts with a level of cooperation similar to the velociraptors in Steven Spielberg's movie.

I really didn't know if the beast came to some form of decision with the non-verbal conversation they were having, but the fact that they suddenly fell apart made me actually raise an eyebrow. Did I kill their leader or something? Suddenly all the pieces of wood that their bodies were made of, even the remains of the first one, started glowing the same acid-green color as their eyes and started floating where the two last wolves had been standing not a moment ago.

"Oh, crap." I could only say.

The pieces of wood, trunks, and everything that had been part of the beasts' bodies started to combine together; I had a very bad feeling about it. It was like in that Aladdin cartoon my sister watched with me, where the skeletons combined themselves into some kind of undead abomination, and what I was seeing right now a wooden version of the same process.

Finally it finished constructing itself and opened its glowing acid-green eyes. The basic concept was the same, but now it was just one wolf and it was far bigger than the first three. Now it was taller than me with a much more powerful build, and it actually looked a tad bit intimidating. The day just went from bad to worse in a span of a minute, and I didn't even get a free unicycle.

And then it roared at me, releasing a stream of green foul-smelling mist from its maw. The thing smelled like compost, rotting wood, and something else that I didn't even want to identify. There just wasn't a way for me to wing this now; the damn thing was out of any normal human's league, and even if I -- for some reason -- was far stronger and tougher than a normal human have rights to be, it didn't compensate for my lack of size to oppose the beast. My lack of firepower...

I was ready to facepalm, if not for the fact that I had to dive to the right and roll to avoid being stepped on by the gargantuan wolf. I had guns with me, and not just normal ones but special guns that were created to kill monsters. Earlier, I noticed how everything on my person became more real, and if the guns followed the pattern then I actually had a chance to survive this!

Getting on my feet I instantly grabbed my revolver and pulled it out, pointing it at the beast's left eye.

*Bang*

I had never actually used a gun, if you don't count the video games with gun-like controllers. I had successfully finished all four versions of the House of the Dead without dying once, but I really couldn't compare a plastic toy to the real gun in my hand right now.

The first thing I noticed was the absence of the powerful recoil that should have made my hand swing back; it just didn't happen and all I felt was a weak push from the revolver. It was either a fantastic piece of technology now that actually lacked any real recoil, or I was far stronger than I thought. Considering the whole ordeal with the wolves earlier, I was sure that it was the second option.

The second thing was that part of the wolf's head actually exploded from the hit; everything over and in the direct trajectory of the bullet was ripped from wolf's head, leaving a pretty big trench in its wooden skull. A howl of what I hoped was pain made me wonder if the beast now had more vulnerable spots on its body than before the merging.

'Three bullets left.' I reminded myself.

Suddenly, apparently overcoming pain, the wolf turned to me, its sole remaining eye glaring at me with nothing but malice. Well, I managed to piss it off, that's for sure. The standoff continued for about ten seconds or so before the beast suddenly lunged at me. I rolled out of the way to the right, making sure not to shoot myself by accident, and sprung back on my feet.

The wolf was bigger and stronger, but apparently it had to sacrifice its speed and maneuverability as a result of its transformation. I could work with that. Dashing forward towards its left front leg I delivered a blow with all my strength, it had enough power to actually shatter the whole thing into pieces and left the beast with only three working legs.

I had to jump back, because the wolf lost its balance and almost fell onto me, which would have been a pretty pathetic way to go. I wasn't going to lose this opportunity, so I jumped right onto its back, making sure to grab a loose branch with my right hand. I really underestimated just how fast this thing could regenerate its body, because its leg was already reforming from the branches, twigs and other stuff that was lying around, but the wound on its head didn't heal, which gave me hope.

Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull, the type that injure or outright cripple so many drunken truckers? Well, I did it once in the theme restaurant that my family and I visited on my last birthday. The damn machine nearly left me with only one arm; considering that I was holding with my right one, it’s not a big mystery which arm I almost lost. Right now it was worse, but at the same time a tad bit better than on the fake bull.

You see, the wolf didn't try to buck like a horse or a bull would; no, it tried to shake me off while jumping and darting around. Well, I had a firm grip on it and considering that I was doing the stupidest thing in the world at the moment, I really didn't even want to question how the hell I was still alive and well.

*Bang*

My attempt to shoot it down wasn't as successful as I hoped; the beast took a pretty sharp turn and my attempt at aiming went to hell. At least I hit something, and now the beast was missing a large chunk of its left shoulder.

'Two bullets left.' I mentally counted.

I was really running out of options here, so I decided to try something that I saw in a movie once. I jammed my gun right into the wolf's back using as much force as I could in this position. The big drawback of this decision was that I couldn't aim anymore because my gun was, for lack of a better word, stuck inside the beast's back. I tried to actually make it at least point in the right direction, but that was all I could actually do considering how much the wolf was thrashing under me, trying to reach me with its jaws but failing to do so.

*Bang*

The wolf suddenly fell forward mid-step, but the sudden cessation of movement didn't mean that the passenger would stop too. Momentum sent me flying forward, and after a very ungraceful flip in the air, I landed on the grass with a heavy thud. At least the landing was mostly painless; apparently grass is far better at cushioning than I thought. Rolling over and getting up, I hastily looked at the wolf which was lying not far away.

It looked half-dead, with a big hole in its chest. Apparently I was far luckier than I gave myself credit for, but it was still alive, and that was worrying me. The glow in its eyes was still present, and its body was still moving, but it looked like it lost most of its power and couldn’t even stand up properly.

I looked at the gun in my left hand; good thing I was keeping such a good hold on it, or it would have been left inside the beast's back.

'One bullet left.' And I knew where to put it.

I unclenched my right fist, letting the branch that I still holding fall on the ground near me.

I won.

The fact that I just defeated an abomination that wouldn't have been fazed by a whole squad of Marines had just reached my brain. It was a strange feeling, desiring to run around and scream like a child and feeling that if you take even one step, the stress from this situation will finally be too much for you and you'll collapse unconscious. I just couldn't believe that I had just defeated this... monster without actually being wounded!

I was really tempted to pinch myself right now, but that would surely ruin the moment. A strangely empowering feeling of victory was running through my body, and it was really hard to describe.

*Grrrar*

I blinked and came back to reality where the beast was still trying to get up. It was almost standing, not very stable but far better than any person could when missing part of their head, left shoulder and having a basketball-sized hole in their chest. This was just unfair! What the hell could I do to put this blasted thing down for good!?

Suddenly I saw it. In the hole in its chest, there was a tight knot of small twigs, branches, and even some mold and bark, and it was damaged. My last shot had actually ripped part of the beast's heart, which was why it looked so weak right now; it was wounded too much to operate at full power! I actually was surprised that I could come up with such a conclusion so quickly under so much pressure.

I looked at my gun.

'The last bullet.' I took aim, right at its heart.

I knew that one-liners and other things could only happen in the movies, because no enemy with a half-of-a-brain will let you monologue while in a fight, so I made sure to aim at the center of its heart and pulled the trigger.

*Bang*

It exploded in splinters and pieces of wood no bigger than my fingernail. The wolf's eyes suddenly dimmed, and it started falling apart. The process wasn't fast at first, but as more parts of the beast fell, the collapse accelerated. I really wasn't sure how the hell I’d won this fight, or why I wasn’t scratched, but at the moment I really didn't care. Without even thinking, I put my revolver back into its holster and looked at the pile of wood that almost killed me.

"I really don't know if I'm a lumberjack now, or a hunter," I said with bit of sarcasm.

This whole situation was absurd to the point where I actually regretted using all the bullets and not keeping one for myself. Everything was like a strange deranged dream, and I really wanted to wake up, but for some reason I just couldn't. Where the hell was I? Why the hell was there some bastard children of a wolf and a plant with Michael Bay as godfather running around? Why was I suddenly so much stronger and faster than a normal human? Why the hell did my gear suddenly become real?

There were so many questions in my head right now, and I lacked even basic answers. This was really disconcerting, and with my appearance at the moment there were a lot of limitations on my movements. Where is a magical nut when you need it?

"Em, excuse me," I heard a timid voice.

I turned and saw the girl from earlier. Her clothes were a bit torn, probably from her landing in the bushes, but still looked passable for a simple walk; there wasn't even a scratch on her, and for some reason she held her hands in front of her chest, clutching them together. The strange look in her eyes made me a bit nervous; it was like she couldn't quite decide whether to run and scream bloody murder or to hug me and thank her savior.

"I really don't know why didn't you run away while you had the chance." I muttered with a sigh. "It's not like there were dangerous monsters running around and only a stranger with unknown motives between you and them." I knew I was a bit pushing it with my sarcasm, but I couldn't understand why the hell she stayed behind and waited for the conclusion of the fight. "Don't tell me that the pile of firewood over there was your pet or something?" I pointed at the... cadaver with my right hand.

"Oh, no." She shook her head. "You’ve never seen a timberwolf before?"

"... That is the lamest pun I have ever heard." I suppressed the urge to facepalm. "I wouldn't be surprised if its name was Morning Wood or something like that." She giggled at my attempt to joke. "And speaking of names, what's yours?" I really wasn't very eager to call her just 'girl', because it would become confusing and annoying really fast.

"Oh, sorry, I forgot to introduce myself." She smile sheepishly. "My name is Mi Amore Cadenza, but everyone calls me Cadance." She beamed at me.

'Mythical beasts running around, and people here have unicorn's horns and wings; sure, let’s add strange names to the pile.' My ability to care about strange things was inaccessible at the moment, due to the load that the... timberwolf put on it by simply existing.

I noticed her looking at me, probably waiting for me to give her my own name. Considering the shit I went through in a span of one day, the fact that I apparently put down Pinocchio's puppy, and the fact that today was the first time I actually fired a real gun, I decided to just go with the flow at the moment and do any necessary damage control at the later date.

"My name is Hellboy." I didn't really want my real name to be even mentioned if someone talked about this mess, some thing just weren't worth dealing with, no matter what.

Author's Note

How Hellboy looks like:

His 'Good Samaritan':

His 'Big Baby':

How Cadence looks like, only a tad bit younger, with a tail, and her Cutie Mark is on her hip and not shoulder:

Timberwolves:

Timberwolves combined:

Also, don't forget to visit my Blog Writing Progress!
And big Thank You to The Snide Sniper for editing this Chapter!