Help, my Father Bit my Skateboard.

by Pickleless

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Non-consensual, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 3599

Twilight realizes she's a Stallion, whoops.

Twilight Sparkle wakes up one morning, takes a good long look in the mirror, and realizes she's always had a penis.
No one really believes him.

Published 2014-04-29 03:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-29 03:30:04 UTC

Gender Confusion.

With a painful grunt, Twilight Sparkle rose from bed. She hated mornings. Not because she wasn't a morning person, but mostly because she never slept. So when she did sleep for about an hour so, she always woke up cranky. She proceeded to partake in her favorite pastime. Seeing how far she can toss her alarm clock out the window without using her magic. Preparing her notes, Twilight winded up her hoof and did a little running start before chucking the offensive, loud abomination out into the glorious new day. She proceeded to give a hoof pump as she watched the little asshole break into a million pieces. Grabbing her measuring tape with her magic, she carefully measured from the ground next to her window to see how far the clock went.

18 feet and 7 inches. She may never beat her record of 22 feet and 3 inches. Twilight sighed, opening her closet and pulling out another alarm clock. She had to find a better way to waste Celestia's money... Twilight briefly wondered why feet are called feet and not hooves. I mean, we didn't adopt this measuring system from dragons or anything-

"It was generally used by ancient Greece and Rome." Celestia said. "Along with Scotland, England and many European countries. The United States is the only industrialized nation that has preference for that measuring system over the meter in various activities, like commercial and engineering."

"AHHH!!!" Twilight screamed. "P-princess?!? How n-nice of you to show up! Wait, Greece? Rome? What are you-"

"Nothing to worry about my most faithful student. Instead, you might want to take a quick look in the mirror."

With a small amount concern that this was going to be one of THOSE days, Twilight trotted up to her mirror and took a look at herself. She was a he. ...Or rather, he was a he, but he didn't look any different.

Wait, what?

A manly square muzzle, short hair, and a masculine build. Yep, that's how it's been his whole life. Except it hasn't, at all. In fact, he was pretty sure he was a feminine unicorn the day before. And the day before that. And before that one too. Actually, Twilight was pretty damn sure he has been a magical mulberry mare his whole life.

And yet, here he is, looking as he always has, maybe.

"Celestia, what is going on?" Twilight somehow answered with a steady voice.

"Oh, and ruin the fun?" Celestia gave a mischievous little grin. "Sorry Twilight, I had to go through this day blind when it first happened to me. I'm afraid you're on your own! For today, at least."

"Please tell me this is all some big prank-why are you a stallion?"

"Yes. Yes! YES!!! IT'S HAPPENING!!!" Celestia proceeded to dance in place.

Twilight was scared.

"Celestia, please! What's going on?!? Did you do this to me!?!"

Celestia paused to think for a second. "Technically no, I didn't."

"What do you mean, 'technically?!?'"

Celestia put his hooves on Twilight's shoulders. "Twilight my boy, I had to go through this day blind. With no one to give me the answers. And now, you must also make this journey alone."

"Really?"

"No, not really. I just REALLY want someone to go through what I went through. Toodles!"

Twilight let out a scream of frustration as Celestia teleported out of the room. There was so many things Twilight needed to take care of. Find out if she's been cursed. See if her friends also think she's always been a stallion. Chase after Celestia. Get breakfast. And most importantly, make a list of the above. But going back to sleep seemed like such a better option.

Only to turn around and find Celestia teleported his bed with him.

Letting out a cry of defeat, Twilight slumped down the stairs. This was probably for the best. Knowing him, he'd probably just teleport himself and his bed around all day ignoring the problem. Shoving a daisy sandwich and coffee down his throat, Twilight scowled at Celestia's sun and made his way into town.

The first thing Twilight noticed was the large amount of stallions everywhere. Along with little colts, and old stallions. But not a single mare or filly in sight. Normally this alone would be strange, but what made Twilight stop in his tracks was that he knew all these males. They were the citizens of Ponyville. Bonbon, Lyra, Time, Vinyl, Carrot, Derpy, Pinkie... All stallions. Worse than that, he recognized them as stallions. He completely remembers when he met his friends, and the time he's shared with all of them. With all of them as stallions, but not mares. With a chill running through his body Twilight realized he couldn't remember any of them as mares. Turning to Pinkie, Twilight-

No. It's too early in the morning for Pinkie. Spotting Rainbow Dash, Twilight flagged him down.

"Hey Twilight, what's-"

"Hey Rainbow Dash, are you a mare?"

Rainbow Dash blinked, "Uh, yeah?"

"And I'm a mare."

"Uh... Yeeeah?"

"And we look like mares?"

Rainbow Dash frowned.

"If you say 'Are you behind on one of your lessons again?' I swear-"

"Are you behind on one of your lessons again-"

"HOLY SHIT!!!"

...

"...You okay there Twilight-"

"Yeah I'm fine. What were you saying?"

"O-oh nothing. Hey! looks like there are some clouds that need to be taken care of!"

"The sky is completely clear."

"There over...not here. See ya!"

Rainbow Dash flew off about as fast as he normally does. Which was already pretty damn fast. Okay, okay, there had to be some rational explanation for this. As long as Twilight stayed calm, he could work out...whatever the hell was happening. Mulling over what his next of plan of action was, Twilight didn't hear, what was presumably a stallion or colt, walk up behind him.

*GASP* "Twilight, Daaaahling! What HAVE you done to yourself?!?"

Twilight turned around and looked at Rarity. Twilight was NOT prepared to turn around and look at Rarity.

Before him stood a stallion. A stallion wearing make up, and fake eyelashes. This stallion, for whatever reason, felt it was appropriate to wear a tight fitting dress today. Said dress was covered in purple gems and flowers. I guess he just wanted to look extra pretty. Even when concerned, this stallion hurried up to Twilight with a swing in his hips. Having practiced it so much that it was a subconscious action now.

"Twilight dear, your mane and fur are an absolute mess! This simply will not do! What happened to you?!?"

"I saw a manly, handsome stallion. He was wearing make up and a dress."

Rarity's face scrunched up in confusion. "Goodness, it must have been quite the sight! You simply MUST let me treat you to a day at the spa!"

"...I really appreciate the offer Rarity but I don't know if that's a good idea right now-"

"Nonsense darling! Sometimes a mare needs a little pampering; and Twilight darling, you NEED a little pampering right now! Come on! Off we go!"

Twilight now understood how Rarity was always strong enough to drag her friends off into her store, or the spa, or anywhere really. Her muscles were huuuuge. And defined. And... and dear Celestia, Twilight just wanted get lost in that sexy ass chest of his. He didn't even know if it was gay to think that or not anymore. He didn't know what to think period. Stupid sexy creepy cross dressing Rarity.

It was right then Twilight really became aware she had a penis. As it was saluting all of Ponyville as Rarity dragged him to the spa. Pretending that he had stopped fighting Rarity. Twilight proceeded to calmly walk alongside him to the spa. When Rarity was looking at Twilight, he stood up on his hind legs and thrust his penis at Rarity's side. Rarity stumbled as Twilight made a solid connection, jabbing him.

"Twilight! Whatever was that for?!?"

"You mean when I stabbed you with my penis?"

Rarity stared at Twilight for a good three seconds. "Your what now?"

"My penis. My fully erect, throbbing penis. Located between my legs. It has three easy to see veins sticking out of it. It is erect, it is throbbing; and, it is indeed a penis."

"...Are you behind on one of your lessons again dear?"

"Oh MY FUCKING CELEST-no I don't do those anymore, remember? Ever since I ascended? We even keep a diary, for fun."

"I thought we kept one to-"

"Yeah whatever. Hey, Rarity. What am I prodding your face with right now?"

"Your hoof?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to check again? Maybe feel it's texture and see if it really feels like a hoof?"

"Twilight darling, you're scaring me."

Twilight gave a forced smile. "Rarity, I think I'll have to get back to you on that spa visit. Tell you what, it'll be my treat next time, okay?"

"A-alright dear, try not to push yourself too hard now."

"Something's pushing too hard right now."

"What?"

"Nothing. See you Rarity."

"Bye dear! Maybe you should take a rest! A mare needs her beauty sleep!"

Giving a simple grunt in response. Twilight decided he's seen enough. Turning around to head back home. Twilight quietly prayed he wouldn't run into another one of his friends-

"HEYA TWILIGHT!!!"

"Dammit Pinkie."

"Awwww~! You look a little down, here!" Pinkie somehow pulled a cupcake out of nowhere and lifted it up towards Twilight with his penis.

"...Pinkie."

"Yes!"

"Hold on, I'm trying to think about how in the hell I'm going to word this."

Twilight stopped to think deeply, staring at the cupcake balanced on top of Pinkie's rock hard penis.

"Pinkie, you have a dick between your legs. You are using said dick to offer me a cupcake."

Twilight was impressed, Pinkie's smile only dropped for half a second before coming back in full force. "That's silly Twilight! I'm holding it up with my hoof, see?"

"You know, this begs the question. How many ponies do I know that have given me something, have actually just hoofed me something with their penis? How many ponies have patted me on the back, with their penis? How many ponies have cleaned my face when I was a baby, with their penis?!?"

"Wow Twilight! Are you behind on one of your lessons again?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-no Pinkie, I don't write friendship reports anymore. But there is something I need to get done as soon as possible, so I'm going to head home, okay?"

"Okay Dokie Lokie! Good luck being a stallion Twilight."

Twilight would've chased Pinkie down and asked what he meant if he wasn't sure Pinkie would have no clue what he was talking about. He's already had enough of this today, and it's only been an hour. It's 9:00 AM and it feels like 11:00 PM. Ugh... Twilight hated Tuesdays. Seriously, if it wasn't some demon from hell threatening Equestria it was him growing a dick. Why can't he have a normal day for once in his fucking life?

Upon enter his home saw Applejack sitting in one of his chairs, because of course fate wouldn't just let him off the hook that easily.

"Howdy Twilight! I uh, I may need your help with a small problem..."

"It involves your vagina somehow doesn't it?"

"...Uh, yeah. How did you-"

"Fuck you."

Applejack looked hurt.

"...Sorry Applejack. I've been having a rough day. That was directed more towards the world than at you."

"Sorry Sugarcube, is now a bad time-"

"YES. Dear Celestia yes, it is. It is the worst possible time to have a problem right now."

Applejack fiddled his hooves while looking crestfallen. Twilight sighed.

"Alright Applejack, how can I help you?"

"Well, you know how it's just Big Mac, Applebloom, Granny Smith, and me at the farm-"

"And I, It is Big Mac, Applebloom, Granny Smith, AND I, at the farm."

"..."

"Sorry, go on."

"Well, Granny Smith doesn't have long to live, and Big Mac doesn't seem to fancy any of the mares here in town."

"I wonder why."

"Twilight! Are you gonna let me finish or not!?!"

"Sorry!"

"Applebloom's too young to be thinking about these kind of things, and I don't want her to be either. Twilight...I want to have a baby."

"Of course you do."

"I don't know any stallions, and I never cared to pretty myself up like Rarity. Twilight... Do you know if there's any way to, you know... Magic me pregnant?"

"Applejack, I don't even know where to begin here."

"I know it's silly Twilight, but..."

"Applejack, listen to me, I can't help you. I cannot imagine how we could possibly get you pregnant."

"You don't understand Twilight!!!" Applejack started to cry.

"The whole farm depends on me Twi! I could never pressure Big Mac or Applebloom into this kinda thing! I don't know the first thing about being a Mom, the whole idea is scarier than being locked up in a cage full or rattlesnakes!"

"Are you a farmer or a cowcolt-"

"I don't want some random stallion doing the deed! I know this is strange, but, if the source came from someone I know; Someone close to me, like you. I feel like I could trust the child more!"

"That's kinda creepy."

"DAMMIT TWILIGHT, ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?!?"

"Applejack, I am about to blow your mind. We are both stallions."

"...What?"

"I have a magic missile, and you have a rattlesnake between your legs. We are both males. I can't get you pregnant because you're a colt."

The utter confusion stopped Applejack's tears, and left him staring at his friend. With a somewhat determined face, Applejack quietly trotted up to Twilight, and gave him a hug. After quietly rubbing Twilight's back with his penis, Applejack spoke in the most gentle tone he could muster.

"Twilight, are you behind on one of those lessons of yours again?"

"Never live it down. I will never live it down. YOU GUYS WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET WILL YOU?!? I WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED FOR THIS! I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY OKAY?!? I'M SORRY I USED A MIND RAPE SPELL ON ALL OF YOU!!! I'M NOT USING IT NOW AM I?!? SOMEPONY OBVIOUSLY IS! BECAUSE I CAN GO AROUND AND POKE EVERYPONY IN THE FACE WITH MY DICK! AND NO ONE, WILL BAT, A SINGLE, FUCKING, EYE! IN FACT, I HAVE PENIS NOW! WE ALL HAVE A PENIS NOW! WHY DOES NO ONE REALIZE THAT WE ALL HAVE GROWN FUCK STICKS?!? WHY IS EVERYPONY CRAZY EXCEPT FOR ME!?! DEAR CELESTIA WHY DO I HAVE A HUGE PULSING MAN HAMMER?!?"

Applejack stared at Twilight with his jaw hung wide open. A second later he snapped it shut and shook his head. Regaining his focus, Applejack gave Twilight a weak smile.

"O-okay Twilight, just, calm down. Alright? Everything's going to be alright. I'm going to go get help, okay? Just sit here, and relax. I'll be back soon."

Twilight didn't say anything as Applejack hurried out of the library. Twilight checked the clock. 9:30 AM. Yep, time for bed. Today's over. Hanging a 'closed' sign on the Library door. Twilight locked up and headed to his bed. Only to remember Celestia took it. Not letting this stop him, he curled up into a ball in the corner of his room. Rocking back and forth, hugging his own penis, Twilight miserably fell asleep.

"...discorded?.."

"..She...stallions."

"..My...dreadful..."

Twilight awoke to the sound of voices coming from downstairs. It was not hard to guess who they were. Getting up and looking out the window, he saw the sun was close to setting. Thank Celes- you know what? There are two goddesses. Thank Luna, Celestia better have some answers for him. Twilight sneaked over to the foot of his stairs. Surprise surprise, it was all of his friends.

"What are we going to do darling? We don't even know what's bothering the poor dear."

"Something about all of us being stallions I think? She ranted about everyone having a...you know."

"She said I had a cupcake on my wee wee weapon!"

"Why would!.. Yeah, you would."

"Remember girls, when she wakes up, we need to completely supportive and nice to her. We also need to find out what happened to her bed."

Twilight sniffed. Even with all the chaos going around, his friends really cared for him. He should've just calmly explained himself from the start. Taking a deep breath, he started to prepare his speech in his head. And then remembered he would be seeing Fluttershy as a guy.

Twilight got a better idea.

*CRASH!*

"What was that?!?" Applejack yelled.

Rainbow Dash flew up into Twilight's room as fast as she could. looking around, she saw Twilight's window had been broken to pieces. Looking through it, she saw Twilight running for her life, with glass embedded everywhere in her body.

"TWILIGHT!!!" Rainbow Dash screamed out in concern.

Twilight teleported away.

Day court went as usual for Celestia. fancy stallions in suits trying to butter him up by complementing him on his apparent beauty. Followed by fancy stallions in dresses trying to look adorable and pitiful, as they explain how they NEED that money for incredibly stupid reasons. Openly scratching his dick public, because he knew no one would question it, Celestia made his way back to his room.

When Celestia entered his room, he saw Twilight, full of broken glass bleeding all over his bed. He was quietly reading a book titled 'Your Penis and You!: And ten other things any colt should know about their body!' Best investment Celestia ever made. Yes, even better than buying all that land for cheap off the Dragons when they came begging for money and supplies during hard times. Heh, unfortunate bastards.

"Good evening Twilight! I must say, it seems you took your first day far better than I did!"

Twilight slammed shut his book, and glared at Celestia.

"Would you care for a glass of wine?"

"...Yes, thank you. Celestia, would you mind explaining to me why the whole world has turned into a sausage fest?"

Chuckling, Celestia poured two glasses of dessert wine for Twilight and himself. Sitting down next to Twilight, he cleared his throat. "Mares don't exist."

"What?"

"Mares, along with females in general, never existed in the first place. It was all an illusion."

"I... Hold on." Twilight put aside his glass, grabbed the bottle, and proceeded to down the whole bottle. Impressed, Celestia gave a low whistle.

"Okay, first off, it was an illusion, WHY? Why would anypony ever do that? They made up a whole new gender for- no. They made up the CONCEPT OF GENDERS just for the sake of... what? Like, really, what? Why WOULD anypony do that? Second, how do we breed? Can guys get pregnant? Does the illusion spread over to how the male body works too? And once again, WHY?!? WHY IS THIS-...ugh. Last, Why us, why are you and I the only ones who can see this?!? This makes absolutely no sense!"

Celestia took a deep breath and leaned back against his bed. "When I was a little filly, I realized I was a little colt. And that fillies were no longer real. No one believed me. My sister, my most devoted followers, not a single one. It's like there is... SOMETHING on their minds that makes them have to believe what I say is nonsense. I tried spells, I tried doing things in front of people only males can do. Somehow, their minds always justify it."

"I don't know who did this, or why they did. I just know that I was alone. Until now." Celestia said, giving a gentle smile. "When the time came for you to ascend, I tweaked the process a little in hopes you be free to see the truth as I do."

"Why? Why not just keep me blissfully ignorant of all this?"

Celestia closed his eyes and stayed quiet for a minute. "...Because I wanted a friend."

...

"...I'm so mad, mad at you, mad at life. But... I guess I can't really blame you."

Celestia sat up and gave Twilight a genuine smile. "Welcome to strange side of life, my most best friend."

"...That sounded strange, I don't-"

"I think I'll stick to Twilight."

"Call me Twi."

"Ha! Call me Tia then!"

Twi and Tia simply sat there, staring blankly off into space as Twi took it all in. occasionally sipping on his wine.

"You know, you never did explain to me how we have kids-"

"Ahhhhhh..." Tia looked away. "So uh. When two males really like each other, one of the male's penis splits open-"

"I don't wanna know."

"and it wraps around the other one's dick. Needles then come out of the split open one, and it stabs the other stallion's-"

"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!!!"

"Alright, alright." Tia said, waving a hoof to dismiss the matter.

Both quietly watched the moon rise.

"Heh, guess now I can actually help Applejack get pregnant." Twilight said, giving a little laugh.

Tia frowned.

"Twilight, you're not behind on one of your lessons again, are you?"

Author's Note

Two stories. I have written two stories about Twilight having a penis. These stories do not involve romance. They are not erotica. But it is a central plot point that Twilight got a stiffy. When people ask what kind of writer I am, this is what I can say, and I don't know how to feel about that.